#this is doing numbers on my bpd rn

[life1tself]

my manager yesterday and i were talking in between rushes about random shit and she was like “never love anybody more than they love you” and i stood there in the kitchen for a minute like “oh”

[ukuslip]

yiu ask book about herself and she's all "well... my friend ice cube-" hate this guy so much!!! stop basing everything about yourself around ice cube you need to develop your own sense of self that isn't based around somebody else!!! stop relying on her to give yourself a sense of purpose because when you're hit with the realization that she doesn't /actually/ need you at all (like you acted like she did) you're going to find that you have no idea how to be "yourself" outside of her . now that she's gone your whole purpose, your whole role as "her protector" that you based yourself around has become meaningless. who are you now man. who are you when everybody else is taken out of the picture. can you tell i like book yet.. so interesting i hate her dearly (endearingly)

[borderline-culture-is]

Aroace bpd culture is

Reading romance books for comfort and wishing you felt romantic attraction even though you're romance repulsed, because GOD i would give anything to be someone's number 1. To have someone love and adore me. I'd probably do anything to have someone stay with me forever and always put me first. I don't rly have an fp rn, but know for a fact that if a fp asked me out id imideatly say yes.

Even though ill never feel those things, even though romance makes me uncomfy, i honestly don't care because it would be incredible to be loved like this by somebody

Also, I'm p sure my bpd is the reason i didn't realize i was aro for so long... (Ive known i was ace for years)

Incase it isn't taken yet, could i have -✨🦝 as a sign off?

Yes

[diwuruf]

going thru it rn so my brains cooking some sort of camp camp residential/mental hospital au 😭 MAXVID ENDGAME my random thoughts r going below⤵️ GENERAL TW FOR MENTAL ILLNESS + HOSPITALS

giving max an ED as his root cause for hospitalization cause that’s what im dealing w rn and tho ive always been an avid projector unto David the way my own ed manifests I think aligns with maxs character way better u__u cest la vie

David is a mental health counselor at a shady sort of childrens hospital in town, but he does good work there! He became a counselor after overcoming(for the most part) his own struggles w OCD, and wanted to offer the same opportunities for recovery to other children.

Gwen is probably in a similar boat, I think she’dve struggled w bpd+delusional episodes. Maybe that’s how she and David know eachother? Teens who exchanged numbers in treatment (david was so hesitant ik he was convinced theyd get busted) and actually kept in contact! David probably begged her to apply one day bc a) she needed a job and b) they needed the help. Lots of “professionals” out there that dont truly care or understand the struggle, but she would!

There’s not a lot of mental health facilities in this town, much less affordable ones. So it’s natural that when Max passes out at school, he ends up here. The place is run by Cameron Campbell ofc- but he probably won’t come up a lot. It’s a generalized inpatient facility, so they treat lots of crap, even if they dont necessarily have the right resources to do so. But again it’s the cheapest and least exclusive place in town and beggars can’t be choosers.

(Rando thought I just had. perhaps transmasc max has an initial jealousy/resentment towards David bc of how lanky/thin the guy is innately. Sigh classic tranorexia)

Idk if happy endgame is the move rn but it will probably depend entirely on my mental state lol. When I started typing this the thought was David would relapse, and have to work thru his increasing number of intrusive thoughts about max.

[8bitgarden-sys]

Introduction: DID System | Writer | Swiftie | Human

"In this city's barren cold, I still remember the first fall of snow..."

Hello, my name is Gray! Some important facts about me:

I am a DID system! We all go by different names and pronouns, but Gray they/them is always okay! As of 4/20/24, we have almost 100 alters! Yikes

I am a w33d user! I will not be trigger tagging this as pot is extremely important to my mental health and my disabled fiance's physical and mental health, as well as many people I know who use responsibly. If you argue with me on this, I will block you. Idc if you block us lol. Do what you need to for your safety.

My writing page, mostly if not entirely for fanfic, is @8-bit-fanfic

I am a HUGE SWIFTIE. I'm not huge in the community, and I try not to be unhealthy or weird in the parasocial relationship, but I do adore her music and her lyricism speaks to me in ways I didn't think possible.

Most alters have a specific playlist they listen to! Feel free to ask us our favorite songs!

ADHD haver, probably autistic, BPD haver, DID haver, depression & anxiety, PTSD, more things probably

"It's just white noise, and it's just my choice."

wanna talk but have social anxiety, awkwardness, or don't know how to navigate a DID system? I understand, I am also many of those things. Here's some conversation starters you can send in an ask, and feel free to just send the number with "intro post" !:

Who's fronting rn? (plus maybe a follow up question!)

Tell me a random fact about the alter fronting rn

Top favorite song rn?

Pick 3 random alters and assign them a Taylor Swift song

What's been going on lately?

What art project of yours are you excited for the most rn?

What is something you want to get better at?

Favorite Taylor Swift quote rn?

Info dump abt a hyperfixation/special interest

"I once was poison ivy but now I'm your daisy."

I hope you all have a wonderful day and I look forward to making friends and chatting!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi,

(I hope that I didn't send in this ask in the past, I am a little dissociative rn).

TW for self harm mention, panic attacks, dissociation

My therapist wants to work on "my connection to my body". I am pretty cut off from my emotions, body signals etc. For example, in the past I had panic attacks "out of nothing and for no reason" and sometimes in hindsight I could say "Well, that could've been expected". So she gave me some papers on which I hourly should note my "stress level" as a kind of first step. I think I saw these papers in the past on friends who had BPD and were supposed to write down their stress and urge to self-harm, but in my case it is rather a chart that ends in "panic attack" or "dissociation", I don't self harm.

And I have to be perfectly honest, I have barely felt that overwhelmed by anything in the past weeks. Even if I think about it, my mind races. I hope it is fine if I write my thoughts down and maybe you could give me some ideas and comments about them? My therapist is on vacation the next 4 weeks and I really regret having agreed on that...

For some reason I need super much clareficiation on this thing and so many details to understand it, I honestly don't know what my problem is.

My therapist said "You should strive for something between 30%-50% stress level, that's the growth area" but tbh 1. I never feel like I am growing, 2. All the time 30%? Or X hours a day? 3. If I use my one dopamine to panic clean my kitchen in 5 hours, that might be 50% stress level but certainly no growth. 4. I never feel like 30-50%? In my mind I use as an example "I lay in bed and read a good non-fiction book, which sadly isn't written for a non-academic, so I have to google a lot of stuff" (which is very specific and I haven't yet finished that book). I hope this is even a good example. But this doesn't really feel like "medium stress". It feels like "No stress, while reading the paragraphs I understand" and "Much stress when googeling stuff". Like a wave. 5. Who says you always need to be in a medium-stress area? Forever? Or during your young and growing years? Is my dream of a farm far away from human civilication so wrong, from a therapists viewpoint?

So far (and I have overthought this nearly every second the last week) I have made this list (please tell me if you think it is right):

10% - Almost falling asleep (that's what my therapist said); 20% - reading a fiction book or maybe crocheting while watching a movie; 30%-50% - ???? ; 60% - (the first number above the "growth zone") curling up in bed crying, 70%- panic attack/ or mild dissociation; 80% - aggressive "????" (aka overwhelmed and everything at once); 90% - bad dissociation, 100% severe dissociation, non-verbal, potentially with amnesia.

Is that ok? Idk I think it is maybe to much to already start with "crying" just after the "good growth zone" but, as an example: I visited my therapist, which means I had to take the train, it takes a long time and I come hope so exhausted that I fall asleep immediately. I can rationally maybe say, that's growth. But it only takes one delayed train, or tripping over my own feet, one too loud and rowdy passenger on the train, or something else so small, and I won't fall asleep immediately but break out in tears immediately.

Which brings me back to "I don't feel growth". In my past I was pushing my limit everyday (my limits in this case being, leave the house and go to university). And it never gotten any easier in 3 years. So idk how growth feels, when to feel growth, am I unable or did I do something wrong etc.?

I thought this chart was too small and limiting, so I made a notebook in which I (tried) to write down what I feel emotionally and in my body, at least three times a day (and try to stick to the percentage thing). Ngl many entries are "too overwhelmed already to open up the bottle of "what do I feel rn"". But I also felt much worse the days I used this notebook. Which can be coincidence, or maybe I lived in peaceful bliss until now, and maybe that's something I am not ready to open up yet? I don't know what the right way is tbh, and I am very afraid of sabotaging the therapy.

Any help, ideas, suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Hi anon,

I can understand how that kind of format can feel much too rigid to categorize your experiences. I've never heard of stress levels being tracked in that way, or that a moderate amount of stress is the only way to grow, although it may be somewhat related to the concept of eustress. But it's absolutely possible to be productive without any stress whatsoever, and the spectrum of stress provided sounds more like a spectrum of mood from positive to negative.

If you feel that this way of looking at your ability to grow is unhelpful, I encourage you to tell your therapist. They should be more than happy to tailor their approach to something that makes more sense to you. It might even be better to try and document what you did immediately before a panic attack to see if there's a pattern and potentially identify a trigger, although some triggers take hours or days before a reaction, especially if you experience dissociation.

If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[didwho]

Hello! You mentioned looking for more info about labels and stuff, so, if you're interested, here are a few things we've personally learned from several years as a "Origins Are Weird And Confusing" system who has been in therapy for A While at this point, in case they're useful to you: - you deserve whatever support you need, regardless of origin or dx or anything else. Therapy, friends who listen to you and support you, academic or workplace accommodations, the right to be unhappy and having a shitty time--you don't have to prove anything to be allowed to want/have those things. - trauma is a subjective experience about how your brain processed something difficult--not about whether the events were 'objectively bad enough to count', because there is no externally defined threshold. (There are certain types of negative experiences that are statistically very likely to be traumatic to the average person, but that absolutely does not mean that only those types of experiences "count".) - if you are experiencing lasting negative impacts from something that happened to you, 1) there is nothing you need to prove in order to be 'allowed' to get support for it; 2) anyone telling you that it wasn't bad enough to affect you is wrong. (This is true even in contexts completely unrelated to syscourse, btw!) - DID in specific is predominantly associated with chronic trauma/adverse experiences during childhood. However, if you have struggles with mental health issues and feel like a system, your options are not just either "100% Definitely DID" or "You're Making It All Up". Whether the label that happens to fit you and your experiences best is DID or any other label (OSDD, MaDD, PTSD + system, "stuff is shitty rn" + system, "who even knows", etc.) is between yourselves and the people on your support team--it's not the business of internet discourse randos trying to tell you whether or not you're valid. (Besides, figuring out what labels fit you best often isn't actually easy or obvious right away, for any number of reasons--including the fact that sketchy and/or 'muted' memories of awful experiences is a big part of many CDDs--and that's okay. Really. You get to figure stuff out at your own pace.) - you are allowed to use/benefit from CDD management strategies and ways of thinking whether or not you have one. (People without ADHD can use bullet journals. DBT isn't just for people with BPD. Etc. If it helps you, the important part is that it helps you.) - don't let the haters get you down. (There are folks out there in syscourse with complex and nuanced opinions, legitimate critiques of communities, etc.! And also, there are sometimes people who just want to be 'allowed' to feel hateful towards someone, aren't in good faith, and aren't interested in listening. What those people think of you or say about you Does. Not. Matter. They are howling at the moon.)

Good luck out there <3

thank you so so so so so much for the kind words!! i preach all of the same things yet sometimes its hard to believe it for yourself, so i genuinely really appreciate the reassurance.

i am looking for a label as of currently because i dont really know whats what, yknow?? its hard for someone like me because despite preaching all of those things, i struggle to understand what defines trauma!

a lot of my headmates tend to agree we do have trauma, but those who dont tend to feel very strongly about not, so it kinda pushes that positivity away!

it really sucks to be both your own supporter and your own enemy at the same time (not calling my headmates enemies its just the best way i can describe it)!

the vents i post are usually when im feeling fired up or upset over things, and again, for that post/ rant i had earlier i spread misinfo, which i feel HORRIBLE about, but i will keep the post up because someone else made a point on it and had the patience to help educate me!

i am still learning and alla that, its hard to navigate this community because theres so many terms, and due to general amnesia, whether it be the fact im a system or due to my ADHD, its hard to get a grasp on all of those!

anyways, sorry for the ramble and thank you so much for the kind words! i hope you have an amazing day ❤️

[campymoon]

Extreme TW: self unaliving thoughts, depression, BPD, just scroll. It’s a vent post

If I can post on here about wanting to be raped and yall either like or scroll I should be able to post about this too.

I think I’m going to give it another week honestly.

I told myself if like didn’t get better by my 22nd bday I’d end it but now my 24th is like a month away and… yeah. I have an amazing and wonderful partner and I promised not to because I believe in the afterlife and want us to be together forever but I believe he deserves to spend eternity with someone normal. Someone easy to love and someone who’s as pure and perfect as he is.

My family is… dysfunctional and doesn’t care about all the things I’ve done for them, sacrificed for them nor do they even listen when I speak most times unless I yell.

Multiple friends have left me and I’ve been abandoned too many times. And I wouldn’t survive if my partner one day betrayed me or left me. Sorry I love him with everything but have also been waiting to be with fully since 2019…I feel like I have to beg just to discuss our future and when we do I feel like a fucking moron because he brings up a million different points that I “don’t consider”.

And I’m painting him really harshly I’m splitting on him rn (BPD) he’s very sweet and patient and loving but I’m so alone and tired of being alone and having to struggle alone while he just gets to do whatever he wants (overdramatized but it feels that way when I’m upset).

And I’m just so so SO TIRED of being told I have to push back my passions, happiness and goals just because that’s “how it is” and I need to “sacrifice” fucking everything that brings me joy or peace. When I was a child I was SA’d. I was like 5, then again at age 9 by my stepbrother till I was like 16 but my parents didn’t believe me and made me eat alone in my room for weeks. I wasn’t allowed to go to friends houses, parties or have a bf until I was 18, no job till 19 then coerced into the military into a career I hated to be bullied and abused more by strangers. Blah blah blah sad back story bs.

I could tell any person close to me in my life that I was actively being abused and all they’d do is say “aweee I’m sorry” (I’ve literally told the closest people i know that I’m being sexually harassed and they just give me a sad face. I’ve seen people buck up faster to STOP ME from retaliating to violence or aggression more than anyone has actually protected me from any abuser).

I tried sex work but uhhhh duh. I was an obvious flop (which isn’t like a “pity me” statement it’s just the truth).

And even though I loved it without making any real money from it and without the motivation I stopped.

I’m just tired. Tired of never being put absolutely number one by anyone. I wanna be loved like how I love. Unconditionally, irrationally and with compassion and empathy. I wanna have my tears move you like yours move mine. I wanna have my laughter bring out yours. I want it all. I crave it. This isn’t about just romance either I wanna form this is about all types of love. I wanna feel it like how I give it. And I NEVER FUCKING DO!

Then my issues get accidentally used against me. And it absolutely broke my heart. Imagine not going to your dream state for your dream school for someone and that someone says that you not having a figured out career or college degree causes hesitancy in moving in with/marrying you? Ofc I wanna fucking kill myself! I don’t wanna be here NOTHING I DO IS EVER ENOUGH NOR WILL IT EVER BE ENOUGH!!! I’ve been told so many times “You are enough. You deserve to be loved.” By the SAME PEOPLE WHO LEAVE ME! Who tell me I’m too much!!! Who say they can’t handle me!?

I’m told I can’t not speak when I’m angry. Then when I speak when I’m angry I’m “being rude”/“not thinking about my words”/“mean” but when I try to slowly think out my words and explain things EXACTLY as I mean them with indicators that I don’t mean offense nor that I’m angry with anyone IM STILL IN THE WRONG?!

I just wanted to be an artist in Colorado.

And now im just gonna be another dead loser nobody will remember in a few years.

[yourmoonmomma]

do you feel like you get past trauma by getting new problems and new traumas or do you get past it by healing and positive memories? i’m honestly kinda struggling rn and i see you as a strong person 😭 may i have some advice on how you pull through? ❤️‍🩹 thank you 🥹

My therapist would say ideally, you want to heal from past traumas, so when something new comes up that triggers them, you can deal with that new trauma without having to deal with the past as well. HOWEVER that is very hard to achieve! And a lot of the time we can think we've healed from something, only to realize after something triggers us, that we aren't quite as healed as we thought.

As well, sometimes you can only heal to a certain degree. Some things, I think, will come up in the future and trigger you, and you have to have the tools and skills to know how to work through it, and the belief that life is good and worth living.

I know some of my trauma isn't healed. When my brother died, it triggered a number of deaths from my past that I thought I had "grieved enough", but really hadn't. So I'm not only dealing with his death, but I'm also dealing with the feelings of a few other deaths I never truly grieved. But also, death is a terrible thing. I have a hard time believing that I'll only ever be able to focus on a current death, without also thinking of those from past. And that's okay! But some of my trauma is in the healing stages. I have awful abandonment trauma, but I've been in enough healthy relationships now (platonic as well as romantic), that when that trauma gets triggered, I can communicate very well about it, and I have faith/trust in what others tell me. If I think Jayson doesn't love me anymore, we have a conversation about it, and I believe his reassurance. And it has taken years to get to that point, and of course it isn't perfect! Sometimes I still get triggered to a point where I'm positive he'll leave. But we talk, and he shows me he won't, and even if I feel like he still will, I at least TRY to believe him.

I don't know if this really answers your question. In fact, after re-reading your question, I didn't answer it at all lol, I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood you. But you get past your trauma by healing and creating positive memories and experiences. And that can be so hard to do, especially if you continue experiencing trauma. But it's important to try to tell yourself that you are worthy of good things. One thing that helped me as I started really working on healing (especially with my BPD), was to write down objectively good things that were happening in my life. That way when I felt things were bad or people were going to leave, I could look back on that list. And even if it didn't help immediately, it at least reminded me that there was a point where I thought things were good. Which can help remind me that they will be good again, or that maybe I wasn't seeing things in full in the current negative moment.

OKAY SORRY THIS IS RAMBLY and again idk if it actually answers your question or helps you. If it doesn't, please let me know and I can try to answer better <3 You will get through what you're experiencing though. I know it <3 I love you <33

[zushimart]

hi idk if this is a weird ask or not bc im half asleep but i just wanted to say that i started following u on my old blog in late 2022 like maybe december and your posts about bpd scara made me feel so seen. i wasn't diagnosed then but it was recently on the table as a diagnosis for me all of a sudden and it was terrifying because i feel like pwbpd are demonized and hated everywhere i look. and just like scrolling thru ur bpd scara tag was like looking at a diary of my own mind or smth. so it was really new to me to see someone talk about borderline as something that brings love and pain into our lives and not just as some scary evil-people diagnosis. like ur definitely my fav writer on this app by far but also u make me feel really validated in my emotions i guess? wow idk sorry like i actually have no idea how to describe it but hopefully u can read minds ‼️ 🤞 i have since been diagnosed with bpd with a criteria score of 9/9 so 😳 idk where id be rn in september 2023 if i hadn't sort of started to learn to love myself from your writings exploring a character. so yea this is probably a strange ask so feel free to ignore it. also im going on anon bc im scared of interacting w ppl. ALSO U R SO FUNNY ND YOUR HUMOR/RANDOM FUNNY TAGS FEEL SO SIMILAR TO MY INTERNAL MONOLOGUE

this is such an open & genuine thing to say to me . i like had to sit with it for a second because it was so .. idk like how to communicate it . my devaluation of ths blog is pretty frequent, treating it sort of like a big boy version of the 2000s children’s diaries with locks.. my thoughts tossed in here nd piled nd piled nd piled, endlessly messy. nd it objectively is a writing blog , like yeah, on a surface level, i own& maintain a writing blog, but i would never tell people that. when people ask my hobbies i always say writing & ill show them my poetry pieces but i never tell them i have a blog because im kind of embarrassed by the very seriously delusional self indulgence i pour into this thing . but then i hear about.. like, for ex. we learned ab and have to maintain our own commonplace book in class, which is essentially where people collected anything and everything they felt needed to be archived from their day and tucked it into the pages of a journal . like how thomas jefferson’s commonplace book will have his serious philosophical & political ramblings side by side a recipe for cornbread because it was just a place to put everything big & small . the practical & the theoretical. just, whatever Means something to u. and leisure, indulgence, pleasure r concepts just as important as virtues imo. anyway i say all this to say that what u said to me makes me want to treat everything better, even this place. it like, makes me feel really proud of my writing& analyses that i might normally b quick to label as inconsequential or childlike because im scared people will think i care too much about something so culturally insignificant. but i do care!! obviously!! a lot. i was like kind of bummed today for a number of reasons frm feeling a bit isolated to feeling like living out my principles& ideals (connecting w community, peer centered thinking etc etc) is almost impossible because im sooo freaking shitty at social convention. so when u sent this in & i read it, it was almost like when ur spacing out nd someone snaps 🫰🫰 in front of ur face to get ur attn. so busy trying 2 b significant to someone to realize that u Already are significant in a myriad of little ways. that it’s not something u search for or insert urself into but rather an inevitable outcome of existing. Anyway . not to b sentimental but i wanted 2 b as candid with u because i really did think it was sweet of u to share & im really happy that i was able 2 positively shape & support a little space of ur life because really thats all i ever want to do. Soooooooooo if ur ask was weird then my response is even weirder. Handwritten thank u:

[xxb0rderline-kitt3nxx]

Doing this because I’m so fucking depressed rn

1. Name —> Beauty

2. B-day —> Do I even have one at this point? I don’t think my birthday will ever be mine.

3. Username meaning —> I have bpd and used to regress as a coping mechanism but then I ghosted my cg/dd and haven’t been able to regress since. It’s probably for the best.

4. Fav movie —> New Moon

5. A fact about my personality —> It doesn’t exist.

6. What I love most about myself —> my compassion and my ability with children.

7. What I dislike the most about myself —> most things.

8. Idea of the perfect date —> I have not been on a real date in a long long time.

9. Weakness —> I am naive.

10. Sexuality —> Pansexual.

11. Biggest turn on —> True kindness and compassion towards me.

12. Last time I cried and why —> Five minutes ago. I hate everything about myself.

13. Favourite food —> Nutella.

14. Favourite season —> Spring.

15. How long I take to get rdy —> Depends on the occasion. Anywhere from 20 mins to 3 hours.

16. Somewhere I want to visit —> Everywhere.

17. What languages I speak —> English, understand Portuguese and most Spanish, learning Japanese and making good progress.

18. The colour of my eyes —> Brown.

19. Last book I read —> I’m not sure. But my CR is Anna Karenina.

20. Fav ice cream flavour —> Caramel or Oreo.

21. Dogs or cats —> Cats.

22. The song I’m listing to rn —> Us and Pigs - Sophia Isella

23. Day or night —> Usually day but if I can be asleep, night.

24. Do I like roller coasters —> Yes.

25. Lucky number —> I don’t have one.

26. Favourite quote —> Right now, it’s “we were both girls together”.

27. Fav album —> I’m not sure. I have many.

28. What I find attractive in other people —> True kindness, compassion, lack of negative judgment.

29. My type —> Truly at heart, kind hearted, honest, big boy, blonde, country-ish boys. Maybe I’ll just love and miss him forever though. And all and any women. And everyone else who I find attractive.

30. Nationality —> I’ll keep that a secret for the time being.

31. Fav song —> Of all time - Ohio is for lovers, Niki fm by Hawthorne Heights. Right now - I have a lot of them.

32. Fav holiday —> Litha.

33. Go to comfort food —> Kraft dinner and Nutella.

34. Coffee or tea —> Both in different moods.

35. A song that makes me cry —> Most of them.

36. Places I’ve been to —> A few.

37. Fav colour —> Pink, brown, grey, green.

38. Water, fire, earth, or air —> Earth.

39. Fav sport —> Dance, track & field, soccer, skateboarding.

40. Fav fruit —> Pomegranate and mango.

Im still just as depressed as when I began.

[detectivesdestruction]

[ BY WTFISMYMENTALHEALTH !! :D ]

🌿 Ana !

🌿 5'3"

🌿 ~35 bmi

🌿 Not saying my highest weight yet.

🌿 I am professionally diagnosed !

🌿 ED started almost 2 years ago actually... As a shitty replacement for my BED lol

🌿 Yeah, this is a relapse, dw Im just as disappointed-

🌿 Never recovered before, sadly. Just developed another ED.

🌿 Eh,,,,,, maybe when I reach my ugw. Then I'll consider.

🌿 I absolutely DESPISE my arms, aside from me being dysphoric of mt chest.

🌿 Dont have a favorite body part, but I like to see/feel my ribs and arm bones :]

🌿 The weirdest ED thing I do is just,,, surprisingly not give a shit about calories until Im in public. THEN suddenly portions dont matter its the stupid ass numbers on the back of my juice boX /hj

🌿 God, I hate laxatives... But I wish I could use em more often. Shit isnt clogging my bootyhole anymore u_u /jjjjjjjj

🌿 I HAVE EMECTOPHOBIA SOBS

🌿 Sadly I binge :"D

🌿 I TRY TO RESTRICT,,,, ITS KINDA HARD WHEN YOU LOVE FOOD.

🌿 I gave up on exercising years ago, trying to start again.

🌿 Sadly my period is still here. Gonna wait for the T to do that though.

🌿 OH UH 10 LBS IN A WEEK, 1/1.5 A DAY IS THE MOST IVE EVER LOST. HOKY SHIT THAT WAS WILD

🌿 LOSE. LOSE I do NOT want to stay at 190 lbs Im living someones nightmare rn

🌿 Don't count calories in private anymore, but usually a small amount proportion wise.

🌿 100-90 lbs. Originally it was 70 lbs, but apparently that is completely unobtainable amd I kiiinda wanna be alive after this :skull

🌿 Sadly not hit any of my goals yet.

🌿 Yeah ! MAD, Schizoaffective disorder (depressive type), BPD, ASD, ADHD, MADD, C-PTSD !

🌿 Thinner hair, muscle loss, more fautiged than usual, my shitty diet choice is making me loose iron-

🌿 Parents have to be informed of my diagnoses so they know (BUT WONT DO ANYTHING ABT IT MY MOM DOESNT EVEN BELEIVE IN EDs which is more conserning than helpful Its weird getting ED tips from your mom)

🌿 Sure, idc if people know or not. Just dont do that "please eat for me!!!!! " bullshit its ANNOYING-

🌿 Eh.

[garbagefool]

Rules: answer 17 questions and tag 17 people (thanks for the tag

@manictrans !!)

1) Nicknames: Ave

2) Zodiac: Virgo

3) Height: 5’2

4) Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff

5) Last thing I googled: art scholarships 2020

6) Song stuck in my head: .......can we pretend it’s Avalanche by WALK THE MOON

7) Following: 383

8) Followers: 379

9) Amount I sleep: Too gotdamn much

10) Lucky numbers: 4 an 6

11) Dream job: Comic creator/ artist

12) Currently wearing: black joggers and muscle shirt

13) Favorite songs: uh rn it’s  Avalanche by WALK THE MOON, What You Know by Two Door Cinema Club, Wangxian, Are You Satisfied by Marina

14) Favorite instrument: idk.. uh..... bass guitar?

15) Random fact about me: I have BPD <- me too woah

16) Favorite authors: ....MXTX,,,. literally the only author i follow atm

17) Favorite animal noises: animal noise :)

Tags: As always i really enjoy doing these and welcome anyone to be my tagged but refuse to Actually tag anyone.

[isakeijser]

Do you have any specific Viri/Joana scenes u would wanna see? (sorry i know you’re getting loads of these lmao i just love your thoughts on skamesp!)

awww thank you

first of all, and the main reason i think they could acc be good friends, is that they both have experience in some form of mental illness, obviously joana has bpd and one of viri’s parents is most likely mentally ill - probably her dad (if we take the hints from the show and the og into account). so it would be really good if they bonded over that or at least had one talk in the season about it, just how they both cope with it and being able to relate in that way with someone other than cris or their parents. like… obviously its good joana can talk to cris about it but one part of having healthy relationships is also being able to talk to other people - other than ur partner - about ur issues so it would b good !! for joana to be able to talk about this w viri and for viri to open up to someone who understands where she’s coming from bc rn she probably feels very isolated from the rest of the girls (though maybe less so now cris is dating joana)

second: viri to be a biggest crisana shipper then the fandom. me and @bicrissoto are basically chatting all the time about skamesp and we’ve made up a ton of crack headcanons for how joana and viri’s friendship will go, but it’s mostly build on how supportive of joana viri is and how she constantly validates and lifts joana up and how this is really important. like viri has always been joanas number one stan essentially and for this to continue but in person!!! healing and good!!!! viri is always like ‘so u and cris???????/ soulmates????????’ and joana is like ‘haha yeh i guess’ but like… u can tell it Really Hits for someone to believe that

third: honestly just them being supportive of each other. viri goes round to joanas and is like ‘we will buy u more clothes’ and joana is like ‘:((((((( only if they’re black’ but then viri buys the most garish pink garment joana ends up pawning off on cris the next day. or them in the girl squad and viri is just chatting excitedly and everyone is like ‘viri pls calm down’ but joana is like ‘no i want to hear ALLL about it’ and always being behind viri’s ideas. them hanging out and it being all over instagram. talking about music or love and bonding over the fact they both have SUCH a huge romantic streak… like both of them listen to john legend or taylor swift and think its the best, deepest, most romantic thing ever and discuss this. or them having these inside jokes and cris is like ‘but joana thats my dumb over-excitable hetero best friend :((((’ 

[rottenbutrecovering]

my dad and I both have bpd and he's been struggling with it a lot. his therapist won't let him come back because he keeps forgetting his appointments and now he's having a bit of a breakdown and he's talking about wanting to die and I don't know what to do. I think he should be hospitalized again but then I'd have no where to go. sorry I know this is heavy you don't have to answer

If you have a non-emergency number (such as 111 in the uk) i recommend contacting them and asking them for advice. I’m sure there are things in place for the children of parent’s who are in hospital rn. I also recommend taking a google about the rules regarding that in your area

[afieldofmeadows]

Relationship rant

im so sick of my ex!!!

i am having a rlly hard time rn bc of my mental health (i was hospitalised after attempts and cannot continue in person school anymore) and maintaining a relationship was hard enough by itself, enough to justify my breaking up w my ex, but that was not all. They are now making me out to be a villain for breaking up with them "bc they displayed symptoms of their disorders" (like bpd) and that you "shouldn't earn the trust of those with bpd and then leave them". ERM am i just supposed to date you forever then???? am i not allowed to break up with you bc u have bpd!!????. I have my own issues and the strain of trying to support them, when they would be hypocritical and extremely triggering was too much. They literally told me the exact number of stitches they got at the hospital. and ik, i do actively search out triggering materials but i don't want them from my partner??? i want that time to be stress free and cozy. One time they got MAD AT ME for not telling them how i was feeling leading up to when i tried to kms??? and then when they tried to kms they got mad at me for my saying nicely that i wish they had told me. WTFFFF the HYPOCRACYYYYY. anyways that was my incoherent rant about DUMB BITCHES. FUCK YOU AND FUCK THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER U WERE BORING ANYWAYS.

sincerely, your fucking ex xoxoxxoxoxoxo