#this is definitely a bit disorganized and messy i just needed to ramble my thoughts because i have so many

[midoshinoteto]

I was sort of joking when I said 7.2 would be the patch of wuksphene but they really have given us so much to work with:

Real Sphene and Wuk Lamat's relationship is almost immediately more wholesome, fulfilling AI Sphene's own statement that if they had met when she was still alive, perhaps things would have been different. There's still a lot to overcome and for Real Sphene to come to terms with (and for Lamaty'i as well) but they're finally properly seeing eye-to-eye. Even Wuk Lamat points out that Real Sphene's behavior was exactly what she had hoped she could bring out from AI Sphene. Their relationship in this stage is so hopeful it almost makes me nervous for the future (crying).

AI Sphene and Wuk Lamat were doomed already in 7.0, but I feel like the additional content of real (and Simulant) Sphenes in patches add a lot to what we had seen in 7.0. Lamaty'i tries her best throughout 7.0 to reach a common ground with AI Sphene. She didn't just want to save the people of Alexandria, she wanted deeply to save Sphene as well. It was a hopeless endeavor, as AI Sphene acknowledges this herself in the end, but in her final moments AI Sphene was at least able to express her regrets and return a bit of the faith Wuk Lamat had been placing in her (through entrusting Alexandria's future to Lamaty'i). When Simulant Sphene shows up in 7.1, Lamaty'i is so quick to denounce her, that the *true* Sphene would never do this, when she honestly barely even knew the true "real" Sphene at the time. I think Wuk Lamat projects a lot of what she wants to see from Sphene onto AI Sphene throughout 7.0, and even in her memory of her. 7.2 makes it hit harder (for me at least) to know AI Sphene *was* actually a lot like Real Sphene at the start, twisted by years of trying hopelessly to save her near-doomed society and made to dance to the tune of Preservation's true interests (Simulant Sphene outright says that AI Sphene was given an impossible task with the full purpose of driving her to means she might not have gone to if it could be helped. Even if her personality, modeled after Real Sphene, would find the act distasteful, she's quite literally programmed to follow a path that would result in her inevitably giving in to the hopelessness).

This is just my own interpretations, but I think it to be very possible that if the Real Sphene had been put through the same experiences as AI Sphene, it would be very possible for her to have turned out similarly, and I feel like Real Sphene shows this in how she's been coming to terms with the current situation in Alexandria. Naturally she's in a fair bit of disbelief, having learned that the current state of affairs has been more or less her own fault despite not having made the choices herself (which, that's gotta fuck with your sense identity hard). But, at least in my reading, she always also seems a bit nervous, like she's been forced to come to terms with her own ability for harm. She says herself that what sets her apart from AI Sphene was their experiences had led them down different paths, and I feel like this also points out that the inverse is true: if Real Sphene had been the one left to manage a dying Alexandria, what would she have done? She holds that same conviction to save her people by any means, but it's because she recognizes her own potential for evil now that we see her consciously attempt to put that devotion towards good instead.

And to talk on Simulant Sphene, *man* is she fascinating. She's a husk of AI Sphene, all the personality that made the AI anything close to her human counterpart gone. An empty shell that makes it even more clear everything is being orchestrated by Preservation. Sphene evidently mattered little to Preservation (or at least those in control now) other than a means to their ends. I think the cutscene where Simulant Sphene confronts Wuk Lamat is probably my favorite in the whole patch. It's just so utterly disturbing to see the person you (Lamaty'i) had tried so hard to save act so overtly twisted, not even trying to hold up the image of being Sphene anymore. This isn't the idealized Sphene Wuk Lamat had imagined, and its not even the Sphene she had known. There's nothing left but a puppet, dangled in front of Wuk Lamat to quite literally remind her of the Sphene she hadn't quite saved (even with Real Sphene right next to her. It's evident Wuk Lamat sees them separately, and in a manner struggles to move on from AI Sphene). And again here, Wuk Lamat stands up for Sphene – not just the Real Sphene, but the memory of AI Sphene as well. Simulant Sphene (Preservation really) is so purposefully toying with Wuk Lamat in their interactions (both in 7.2 and 7.2). Simulant Sphene and Lamaty'i not only have their own interesting dynamic, but add a lot of depth to the other facets of Sphene and Wuk Lamat both together and as individuals.

Sphene in all her sides is such an intriguing character and god this patch has done so much for me.. Wuksphene is so full of interesting character analysis points I don't think I can ever move on from them.

[13uswntimagines]

Her Mess (Christen x Reader)

Request: Christen x reader where reader is younger and in college and reader meets the team

It was safe to say that you had always been a bit of a mess. You would argue that you were an organized mess, but Christen would disagree. If the gay mess you turned into the first time Mal had ever introduced you to her was anything to go off of. Yes, you were a mess, but you were her mess, and she took great joy in helping to keep you on track. 

From the very beginning, she had helped you with your schedule. Made sure you ate and gave yourself time for studying and soccer. She never overstepped, she was your girlfriend not your mother after all, but she was definitely the organized one in your relationship. 

It was why the prospect of traveling without her was incredibly daunting. She was already at camp with the rest of the national team (who you would be meeting for the first time) and you would be meeting them there with Mal after the two of you finished finals. To say you were nervous was an understatement. It was your first call up, and though your girlfriend and best friend had assured you it would be fine, you weren’t so sure. You had quadruple checked the list of things Christen and you had made, but even as you left the plane you were sure you had left something important. You were going to meet the team and you didn’t know if you were supposed to be meeting Christen too, or if you two were going, to be honest. 

You sighed, running your hand through your messy hair, before slipping your beanie back on. Your knee jumped up and down impatiently, and you bit your lip. You didn’t like waiting. Why did this car ride have to be so long?

“Do I need to call Mama Press or are you going to chill out on your own?” Mal said finally, her hand coming down to still your leg. You grinned sheepishly at her. 

“I just-... What if they don’t like me, and what if they’re weirded out by the age difference?” You rambled, your fingers tapping on the car window. 

“You’re like the funniest person I know. The team is going to love you! And I’ll be honest, It was a little weird at first for the person who was like my sister to be dating someone who was basically my mom. But after watching you two together, it’s obvious that you were made for each other,” Mal said softly, her hand running soothing circles on your thigh. You frowned. 

“What if she doesn’t want to tell them that she’s dating me because she’s ashamed of the age difference?” You asked softly, staring intently at your lap. Sure, Mal was cool with the age difference now, and so we’re your parents, but you knew that there were a lot of people out there who weren’t. Plus Christen was the Christen Press, and you were just a disorganized rookie. 

Gentle fingers tilted your chin up, and your Y/e/c met Mal’s brown.“Christen is a lot of things. I don’t think ashamed is one of them,” 

You nodded, returning your attention to the city passing by. You loved Christen, and you hoped that Mal was right. 

******

Most people would hate getting off a plane and stepping directly into practice, but you were grateful for it. The field was your happy place, a place you didn’t have to think about all the what-ifs. A place where you could simply showcase your skills. 

By the time you and Mal made it to the locker room, it was nearly empty. (Barring your girlfriend, who had stayed back to give you a tight hug and kiss, and Tobin who just sent you a small smile). 

“You ready for this cutie?” Your girlfriend asked, settling down on the bench beside you, nudging you with her shoulder, and placing a kiss on your pink cheeks. 

You stuck your tongue out at Mal who made a gagging sound. 

“I think so,” You shrugged, rooting through your bag to find the last items of your gear, things you were sure you had put in this morning. Your eyebrows furrowed as you shoved your shin guards aside in search of your socks. 

“Is it true you have the sprint record for UCLA?” Tobin nudged your other side. You nodded, not taking your eyes off of the contents of your bag. Had you been paying more attention, you probably would have freaked out that the Tobin Heath knew who you were. 

“Don’t forget the juggling record either,” Mal added, smiling. You had quite the reputation for putting defenders on their asses, and it was going to be entertaining watching you work your magic with the national team. 

“Damn,” Tobin mumbled wide eyes. She was going to have to call dibs on you for the scrimmage. You barely spared her a glance, groaning as you continued to dig for an item you were beginning to fear wasn’t in your bag. You took a deep breath, trying not to panic. Of course you had forgotten something important on your first camp with the national team.

Christen rubbed your back, her head tilting to the side as you ignored one of your heroes (your hero being her best friend was something she found immensely entertaining), her hand coming up to rub your back. “What are you looking for my darling,” 

“I forgot my socks,” you huffed, shoving your bag to the floor pouting. Christen’s lips ticked up slightly as she leaned in to kiss your pink cheeks. 

“That’s alright. I have an extra pair for you in my bag,” 

Your blush deepened as you took the extra pair, slipping them on your feet. You nodded in thanks, she simply winked in return. She knew you’d forget something. You always did. 

******

Meeting the team was an… experience. Kelley had immediately jumped on top of you, squealing about a new baby to corrupt before she was pulled off by Alex. Ashlyn and Ali had argued with Becky and Alyssa about who was going to be your team moms. The youngins had bombarded you with so many questions that it felt like your head was spinning. But through it, all Christen’s hand remained firmly in yours. 

Standing in line, waiting for the forward vs defender drill to begin was a surreal experience for you. You watched with a keen eye as Mal went first and nearly navigated the ball past Becky. You kissed Christen’s cheek before she went and cleanly got past Kelley. Tobin took the next spot, pulling a clean nutmeg off on Abby. You were going to have to one-up her. 

You took a deep breath, trying to settle your nerves, waiting to see which defender you would be up against. 

“You good kid?” Megan asked, bumping your shoulder with her. You blinked, fighting the urge to squeal that The Megan Rapino was talking to you. 

“Hm, excited!” You smiled, biting your lip as Sonnett took her place at the front of her line. Sonnett was good, but you were better and your desire to make a good first impression meant that you were really going to have to put on a show. There would be no better partner for the dance you had planned. 

“Think you can best Sonnett?” Carli smirked, tapping you the ball. 

“Definitely. Cant let a Cavalier get one over on me,” You winked, beginning to juggle the ball. Yeah, this was going to be fun. 

******

“Holy shit, how are you so fast,” Emily panted, catching up to you after you’d made another shot at an unsuspecting Alyssa Naeher. It speared just past her fingertips, making the goal rattle as it made contact with the net. 

“I ate lots of fudge striped cookies when I was younger,” You nodded, wiping the sweat from your forehead and heading towards the sidelines for your water break. From the time you were little you had believed wholeheartedly that the cookies made you run faster. 

“Fudge stripped what?” Emily asked, her eyebrows furrowing beside you. 

“Made by the Keebler elves. They’re magic,” You shrugged, glancing around for the greenbottle with your name on it, entirely unaware of the odd looks the team was giving you and the loving smile your girlfriend was sporting. “Where did I put my bottle?” 

“It’s over-“ Mal started, only to be cut off by Christen’s elbow being lodged in her ribs. 

“Take mine babe,” She laughed, passing you her bottle. You nodded in thanks, squirting the liquid into your mouth. What would you do without her? Mal smirked over your head at the green-eyed forward. Maybe part of your forgetfulness was her love of coming to your rescue. 

“Sick ball skills Ducky,” Tobin clapped you in the back. 

“Thanks!” You squeaked, the stream of water missing your mouth and spraying Christen in the chest. “Oops,” You giggled. 

“If you want me to kiss you, you did it have to get me all wet, you could just ask,” She winked and you felt heat wash over your cheeks, all your previous confidence evaporating. 

 Mal covered her ears and shook her head fast. “Please don’t answer that with the comeback you’re thinking of,”. You smirked, shaking your head. You wouldn’t force her to bear her best friend and her team mom flirting. 

“Hmm, I love your kisses,” 

Christen giggled, wrapping her arms around your waist, and pulling you into a quick kiss. You pulled away when the team wolf-whistled, burying your face in your girlfriend's chest. 

“Told you she wasn’t embarrassed,” Mal said, patting your back. 

“Yeah, how could she when you put everyone on their ass,” Sonnett cackled. Your groan was muffled by your girlfriend's soft skin. Her fingers found their way under your chin, coaxing you out of your favorite hiding place. You Y/e/c eyes met her green ones. 

“You thought I was embarrassed?” She asked softly, and you gave her a slight nod. How couldn’t she be? She was the Christen Press and you were just a bumbling college student who would lose her head if it wasn’t attached to her body. 

“You’re you, and you have everything together, and I’m me and I forget everything,” You mumbled, shrugging. 

“Well, I love you, even when you forget stuff. Plus, You look really cute in my clothes,” She kissed your nose and your cheeks before landing on your lips. You smiled into the kiss, enjoying the way her soft lips felt against yours. 

It didn’t matter that you were younger. You would prove yourself to be an asset to the team and Christen loved you. 

“Did they forget we’re here?” Emily’s whisper read followed by a slapping sound and Lindsey’s voice. 

“Way to ruin a moment Sonnett,” 

Yes. You were a mess, but you were Christen’s mess and you’d fit right in. 

[boredandelusive]

05.

♞ TW: Amm-nia, death, this chapter has a case in it not from an episode, but from a generator. It may sound stupid, but it’s effective, isn’t it? Also, there’s a bit of a wet dream, yet Spencer’s awake, so there’s that.

♞

As Kiara woke up from her sleep, she witnessed Spencer frantically rushing around as if looking for something. "Something wrong, baby?" She asked groggily, which made him stop and look at him.

"I can't find my shirt and there's another case," it wouldn't be the best idea for him to go back to work in the same clothes he wore yesterday, however, he didn't have much of a choice. He couldn't risk being late for his job, especially because he was the star agent of the team.

"Then just take some of my smaller clothes from my closet." She admitted groggily, which looked over to her closet with an unsure look. "Spencer, I was skinny once, I still have those clothes, and they should fit you. Just take the clothes and go."

"But I don't have my boxers," that was the other thing he looked for, which she turned over in her bed. Considering she now lied on her stomach, her words would've been muffled.

"That dresser, second drawer on the left." Listening to her words, he moved to get the clothes and noticed all of the clothes almost perfectly fit him. "Before you ask, I keep my old clothes in case I date skinnier people."

"Thanks, I owe you!" He rushed out of her room, and soon, out of the house. Once they had enough time, they could go over last night. Now, however, they had things to do.

♞

As Spencer got to work, which he hoped his colleagues wouldn't notice his clothing, he passed Garcia, who still noticed something off. "Rough night?" She called out, which Spencer stopped in his tracks.

"Something like that. Where are the others?" If Penelope noticed something different, no doubt the others would, too.

"In the conference room. You're not late, but you might want to hurry up." With that, he rushed toward the conference room and sat down. "Did you get any sleep?" Derek was the first to ask, but Spencer didn't understand why.

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"Because your hair's a mess," at least that sent a wave of relief in his body, which meant they didn't question the woman's clothes on his body. Running his fingers through his hair, he fixed it. Seeing as no one said anything about his clothes, there was a bit of silence before Penelope walked in.

"In Fort Wayne, Indiana, three victims were found scattered in the forest," as she spoke, she clicked the buttons on the remote in her hands. "Each of them had traces of ammonia in their lungs," her voice dropped to barely a whisper. She wasn't the type to enjoy cases, she just liked being in her bat cave.

"It says here that all of the victims died just after sunrise. Maybe it's the unsub's motive," Spencer pointed out before Hotch stood up.

"Regardless, Fort Wayne requested our help. Wheels up in thirty (30)." As everyone else got up and collected the file, there was some sort of tense silence in the room. Trying his best to ignore it, Reid glanced up to see the others glancing at him.

"Is something wrong?"

"You're wearing a blouse," Emily pointed out, which meant his hope went bad.

"Did you have a fun night?" Derek teased and considering his messy hair, all of them assumed he finally got some. "Come on, kid, what was their name?" As he got everything together, hr walked out of the room.

"Kiara," Emily looked at Derek with an open mouth, as if shocked he would admit it.

♞

As the plane was in the air, Spencer kept his head in the case, and knowing Derek, he would've either pestered him about it now or ask about it later. "How many victims are there so far?"

"Five (5) of them. The first two were found three months ago in an abandoned cabin. The police only got word of it from an anonymous tip." Garcia admitted from the video call in her office.

"Alright, when we land, JJ, Prentiss, go to the ME's office, see if there's anything else on the victims the files might've missed. Morgan, Reid, set up at the police station. Rossi, you and I will go to the crime scene."

♞

Once the two were in the car and driving to the station, Derek decided to break the silence. "So, Kiara, huh? Wait, lemme guess: you didn't bring an extra pair of clothes so you had to use hers?"

"Was it that obvious?" He asked, yet he didn't look his friend in the eyes. It wasn't out of embarrassment, but probably out of how much Morgan would taunt him about it. He didn't say anything at first, but he peeled back his collar. "Hey!"

"You need to learn to hide that better, Reid. And fix your hair before we get inside, it still looks like a mess," he teased and messed up his hair intentionally.

"Okay, okay! Leave my hair alone. I was rushed out the door by the case, and I didn't want to be late." He excused, yet Derek wouldn't drop the conversation just yet.

"I guess we have to let the kid out of the coop someday. Fly away little Reid, I'm proud of you," he teased again. This was going to be a long case, and he didn't know if the rest of the team would give him shit about how he lost his virginity.

"You know, I could just be trying something new," Spencer tried excusing his appearance, but he blushed while he did so.

"You definitely tried something new, alright. Even if it weren't for the hickey," Derek tapped his chest with enough force that the scars from her scratches hurt. "That told me enough. Now come on, we gotta get the office set up."

♞

As JJ and Emily made it to the ME's office, Em pushed the door open for both of them to walk inside. "So what do we have?" The blonde woman asked first, which the coroner looked at them both before pulling down the cover.

Because of it, there was irritation around the victim's mouth and nose, most likely from being forced to breathe the gas. "You would think the irritated skin would be the most concerning part, but this was," the coroner then pulled the cover down farther to reveal a series of stab wounds.

"I don't get it, why would the unsub force the victims to breathe the ammonia then stab them?" Getting that piece of information was confusing enough, but it also meant the unsub was disorganized or greedy.

"I don't understand it either, but I can tell you that they're smart. All of the stab wounds were inches from the major arteries." The coroner wasn't the profiler, but there was something about the case that proved there might have been more to this than what meets the eye.

"So they're torturing the victims before killing them?"

"And restraining them, too," the coroner also pulled the blanket away from their wrists and ankles to show the bruising. "The tox screens came back and the only thing pumping through their body was anesthesia. However, the color of her lungs indicates she was gassed repeatedly."

"Okay, thank you." Both women turned to the door as if realizing something. When they got to the hallway, Emily stopped for a moment. Though JJ was a media liaison, it didn't stop the fact she could help on the missions by being a second set of eyes. "What is it?"

"If the unsub has them sit up, and they pump gas into their lungs, but they also stab them..." she trailed off, as if trying to get some sort of idea. For now, she couldn't think of anything because she hadn't been to the crime scene yet. "Let's get back to the station."

♞

As the two women met up with the others, Emily's brain started putting the pieces together, but still needed Reid's nerd expertise with this. "Hey, Reid?" She called out to the boy, though he didn't respond immediately.

His head was buried into the file, yet his mind was elsewhere.

"Be a good boy for me, won't you?" Kiara's voice rang out in his head, and the scene was set. Spencer was on the bed with his dick in a chastity cage while his Mistress hovered over him. His eyes trailed down to her waist, which a nine (9) inch tentacle dildo hung with lube almost dripping off.

"Yes, Mistress," he whined, and considering she wouldn't stroke his dick to help him feel better, he just rolled his hips. He wanted her, but she wouldn't let her baby have her.

"So eager, already? I wonder how your tight little ass would feel around my new strap. Now stay still or I'll leave you here with the belt on," almost immediately, he stopped moving, despite what his brain told him to do.

As she climbed on top of him, she lifted his legs and slid the dild-

"Reid?" Hearing the voice made him look up from the file, which proved his mind was somewhere else. "Do you have any nerdy facts about the case?" Emily needed to know the full parameters, and judging by the growing blush on his face, he thought about something not safe for work.

"Eighty percent (80%) of ammonia is used for either fertilizer in the agricultural community or used as a refrigerant gas. Ammonia gas itself is lighter than air, so it rises, yet when mixed with moisture, turns into a vapor. The vapor turns so heavy that it keeps to the ground, but the unsub's found a way to transport the ammonia gas without it turning into something harmful to the unsub themself." He rambled on, but it also indicated the level of skill the unsub had.

"So we might be dealing with a chemist?" Morgan asked, which Emily pulled out her phone and dialed Garcia.

"What's cookin', good lookin'?" She asked into the call, not aware that she was on speaker phone.

"Garcia, you're on speaker. I need you to make a list of all of the chemists within Fort Wayne, Indiana," she placed her phone onto the table, which meant anyone could ask the tech wizard to narrow the search.

"There's over six hundred (600) names. Do you have anything to narrow it down?" Hoping there was more to the search than just the job alone, she looked to another screen as she waited for an answer.

"Look for anyone who might have a history of violence. It might be something as little as peeping to murder." Derek said something next, which caused Penelope to type it into the filter. Though it was a great thing, there were still a lot of names on the list.

"That leaves me with sixty names, sugar. It's majorly concerning how many of them could pick up jobs. Some of them have misdemeanors, others have assault, someone has aggravated battery." Penelope listed off some of the crimes that popped up on the screen.

"That's all for now. Thanks, Garcia," Emily picked up her phone.

"You're welcome, my Mistress," she ended the call before Em had a chance to say something back, so she shook her head. As they turned to the door, an officer rushed in.

"There's been another body," hearing those words, all of them rushed out the door. Considering they only got here a few hours ago, it meant this death was fresh. Taking two cars, one that had Morgan, Reid, and Prentiss while the other had Hotch and Rossi, JJ stayed behind in case she had to deal with the media.

♞

As Kiara worked, her mind wandered to last night. What she wouldn't give to hear him beg for mercy like that again. However, she couldn't keep her mind on it, considering her phone rang. The noise and feeling of the sudden buzz almost made her jump, but she contained herself enough.

Looking at the caller ID, it was Spencer, which made her confused but she answered it anyway. "What is it?"

"How do you undo a downward prayer? Each shibari design has a failsafe wrapped in," this must've been important, which also meant this wasn't time for jokes. Closing her eyes for a moment, she thought to herself.

"On the back, there's over three (3) dozen ties to create the design. The one you're looking for might be tucked in behind one of the strings. If he's an amateur, it'll be tucked between the hands of the person in the rope. If not, then it'll be wrapped around their neck."

"Are you sure?"

"There's only two ways to create a downward prayer and there's always a failsafe. Always." There was a bit of silence before someone picked up the phone again. "Did you save them?"

"Yeah, I did. Thank you." He ended the call, most likely trying to keep his voice to a professional level.

♞

The place I got the ammonia knowledge was from here. 

[coeurdastronaute]

Essays in Existentialism: Troublemaker (Before)

Previously on Troublemaker

“See! You’re having a good time!”

The music pulsated through the streets, and Lexa didn’t care that her sister was gloating because she really was having a good time despite all intentions otherwise. The sun was bright and glaring without a cloud in the sky, and downtown was brimming with all colors, alive and vibrant, celebrating. And she as swept up in it, proud and overflowing with the music and freedom of being completely herself and being completely unknown in the crowd. 

It’d been a hard fought battle for her to agree to come with her sister to Pride, but she didn’t have anything else to do, and because of Anya’s need to be an overachiever, something they both ascribed to genetics, she was going to be doing an internship and leaving soon enough, thus cutting their summer together incredibly short. The guilt and her sister’s incessant need to prove a point brought them downtown for the day, and Lexa was almost okay with it.

“I knew you would like it,” Anya gloated, dancing around with her sister in the pulsating group of bodies at the concert in the park. 

“Is it always like this?” 

A gaggle of scantily-clad men moved through in nothing but speedos and suspenders, and Lexa let one of them grab her and twirl her around. The entire day, she’d been absolutely adored and adoring of everyone around her. An inundation of love and support was enough to make her unsure of how to go back to real life.

Her sister watched as Lexa danced, hands up, smiling wide and overjoyed. She enjoyed the fact that her sister came out to her and she could actually do something about it. Though straight, Anya spent her first two years of college taking a crash course in gay when her random roommate was a very out and very proud girl who liked to use Anya as a wngman. She was incredibly helpful in coming up with things to help Lexa feel normal and supported, and Anya was going ot be the best big sister possible. She was that type A.

“Pride is always like this,” Anya promised. “And you get to be super gay anytime you want. Isn’t that great?” 

“You’re worse than mom and dad. They’re like oddly proud to have a gay kid.” 

“Nah, just because you’re you.” 

“Shut up,” Lexa rolled her eyes and moved, wiggling around, goofy and carefree. 

For the entire day, the sisters moved through the crowds, checking out vendors, eating delicious food, listening to speakers, and got decked out in glowing necklaces and rainbows painted on their faces. It was exhausting to be so gay, but Lexa finally understood what she’d been missing in her fear of joining the GSA, and her fear of being out at school. She hadn’t thought about how wonderful it would be to not have to worry about hiding, or at least, not actively living. 

“Thank you,” Lexa offered, as the pair stood on the side of the road for the parade. She hugged her sister as the sun began to set between the tall buildings. “This has been the best day of my life.”

“You’re a sap.” 

“I am not.” 

“You are.” 

“I’m not,” she smiled and danced around, her sister not used to such a carefree girl in front of her. “I’m just super gay-- Oops, I’m so sorr--”

Lexa stopped moving after bumping into someone behind her, not paying attention and living her life too widely and too queerly for such a confined area. She gaped and stared at the body she bumped into, more mortified than she’d been in her entire life. 

The body came attached to a pretty face. A familiar face. A face with bright blue eyes, and a mischievous grin and a messy bunch of wavy blonde hair. A face that had a tongue ring. A face that was attached to the girl who protested the Sadie Hawkins dance, the pep rally, and last year single handedly turned the swimming pool pink for women’s history month.This was the same face that Lexa couldn’t help but stare at anytime she walked by in the halls at school. This was the face that didn’t even know she existed. 

Clarke Griffin stared back in equal parts amazement at the girl who did the bumping. In all of her wildest dreams, she never imagined Lexa Woods, class president, Academic Decathlon team captain, Student of the Quarter, perfect attendance-winning, overall adorable nerd, would be standing next to her at Pride. And not just standing-- dancing, covered in rainbows, and smiling in something other than a primly put together button up shirt with a schedule strapped to her chest. 

“Clarke,” Lexa gulped, unable to say anything else, unable to hide her fear and confusion. “I-I-I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bump into you. I was just… um… ” 

“It’s okay. Kind of close quarters and you were just being super queer,” she returned gracefully as she eyed the entire being of Lexa on summer break. “I didn’t think I’d run into anyone here. I thought everyone left for summer.” 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Oh, I’m always recruiting people for my zine. Intersectional politics and good music with a queer tint. Honestly, it’s whatever anyone submits. We set up a tiny booth,” Clarke explained, rambling slightly. “And I’m kind of gay.” 

“Kind of?” 

This was incredibly new and important news to Lexa, even if she didn’t know what to do with it.The entire school knew that Clarke ran with the same crowd, a crowd Lexa didn’t know anything about other than idle gossip. And it always looked like she was very close to Bellamy Blake. Romantically close. 

“Bi.”

“You have to go?” 

“No-- no… I’m bisexual.” 

Lexa felt her face burn and she wanted to melt into a puddle, right there in the early June evening. Maybe disappear into the sewer and wash away into the sea for the rest of time. But she didn’t. Instead, she just stood there, in front of the biggest badass tough guy hot girl she’s ever seen in her entire life. 

It was the longest they’d ever spoken, and she’d ruined it in under three minutes after learning that Clarke was gay-ish.

“That’s cool,” she finally managed, earning a small smile. 

Clarke pushed some hair away from her face and scratched her neck, using the pause to look at Lexa’s legs. She couldn’t help it. She didn’t try too much. 

“Is this your first Pride?” 

“Is it that obvious?” Lexa sighed, bashful at her display. 

“No, you look cute. I like the festiveness.” 

That didn’t help anything at all. Lexa looked around for her sister who made herself busy talking to other people and not at all available to bail her out of saying anymore words. 

“I’m gay,” Lexa finally blurted after a prolongued moment of silence. 

“That’s cool.” 

“Thanks.” 

A shout reached them over the noise of the parade, and both looked in that direction. 

“I have to um,” Clarke looked over her shoulder at the group that was calling her name. “I have to go catch up with my friends.”

“Right, yeah, definitely.” 

“It was good to see you, Woods,” she grinned as she backed away. “I hope I get to bump into you again.” 

“Right, yeah! Me, uh. Me too,” Lexa nodded.   

With another wave, Clarke was gone, swept up by her friends as they moved through the crowd. Lexa caught the look that Clarke gave her over her shoulder and she smiled because she got a look back. It might not have meant anything, but it still felt kind of good. 

“Your first Pride, and you’re getting chatted up by a grade A hottie. I’m impressed,” her sister slung her arm over her shoulder. 

“That was just a girl from school.” 

“She was not what I pictured for your type.” 

“I don’t-- I don’t have a type,” Lexa furrowed. 

“Everyone does. It just so happens that yours seems to be punk baddies with probable daddy issues.” 

“There’s no way you could know--”

“She was digging you too, by the way.” 

“There’s no-- I don’t-- She wouldn’t-- That was-- No,” Lexa shook her head. 

“Trust me. I’ve seen gay relief, and that girl was gay relieved you were gay.” 

“That’s not a thing.” 

“Don’t be mad because i have my ear to the ground in the gay community,” Anya shook her head. “I’ll have you know that Kaitlyn said I’d make a great lesbian.”

“Please let me die right here.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

The library on Fourth Street was nearly always empty around the end of lunch time. It seemed to empty out come the hottest part of the day with the normal crowd of parents and kids looking to stay busy during the long summer hours came in for story time and craft projects. 

With no particular impetus to move quickly, Lexa pushed her cart of returns through the aisles and rearranged any messy or disorganized stacks she found. But her head wasn’t particularly in it. 

Instead, Lexa thought about Pride, and replayed the entire interaction with a certain mild degenerate who had a pretty smile, who called her cute, she realized, halfway through overanalyzing it again for the hundredth time. All she could wonder was if this is what having a crush felt? And if so, was it possible to have crush after just three minutes? Nothing really prepared her for this. How could it? He didn’t have time for a crush. She only had to focus and get into the school she wanted. And then she could be who she thought she might want to be. 

“Hey Woods.” 

Lexa stopped as she turned to the next aisle, only to find the exact subject of her internal debate. There was a book tucked into her elbow as she retracted an arm reached out to grab something on a top shelf. Lexa looked to her bare arms, and then to her hips where a flannel was tied, and only subtly hiding her short shorts and some of the long legs and Lexa was gay. 

“I know it’s a library, but I’m sure you can talk a little bit,” Clarke smiled. 

Sunglasses tucked and holding her hair up out of her face, the girl had a motorcycle helmet tucked into the same elbow as the book. 

“Hey,” Lexa managed. 

“You work here?” 

“Yeah, just doing some little things, stacking, kids story time and stuff.” 

“Sounds fun,” Clarke nodded. She leaned against the shelf behind her and watched Lexa push her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. This was the Lexa she was used to seeing, and it did nothing to make her less interested, which was insanely weird. 

“Here for anything good?” 

“Uh, just some of the summer reading for Lit. And I’m kind of interested in a few SAT practice books. I took it already, but there’s one more that I can take before applications are due, and I’d like to see if I can do a little better.” 

It certainly wasn’t the reason Lexa expected, but she should have known better to expect anything from someone she really didn’t know other than through stories of stories of stories from other people. 

“Sounds like you have a busy summer planned.” 

Clarke laughed and ducked her head and Lexa tried not to be entranced by the action. 

“Have to keep busy between the protests and debauchery.” 

“Right, same.” 

“Everyone kind of left for the summer, it seems. It’s kind of nice, isn’t it?” 

“I was thinking the same thing,” Lexa agreed. “I miss my friends, but I’ve gotten a lot of things done.” 

“I’m sure you’re already done with the summer homework.” 

“No… well, just most of it.” 

“We’re two weeks into summer break, Woods,” Clarke pretended to admonish. Lexa shrugged, slightly guilty. “We’re going to have to find something to keep you busy.” 

“I think work will take care of that.” 

“You’re forgetting that I saw you at Pride. I know that you know how to have fun,” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows slightly. “And I know that you find me absolutely irresistible and cute.” 

“How could you possibly know that?” 

“So you admit it then?” 

“What? No,” Lexa shook her head and pushed her cart down the row, looking for the place to put the next in her pile. 

But Clarke wasn’t ready to leave, and she hung around, pushing off of the shelf only to follow Lexa and hover closer than Lexa could almost handle. 

“You checked me out at Pride.” 

“I did not.” 

“You did. I saw it. And you let me know you were interested in girls. If you didn’t know yet, I’m a girl, so the math seems to be adding up.” 

“Correlation does not imply causation,” Lexa responded quickly. “Your logic is not at all close to sound.” 

“So you don’t like me?” 

“I don’t even know you. If anything, I just find your face and,” Lexa moved her hand in Clarke’s direction, “that, all, pleasing.” 

“Good to know.” 

“Who even walks around telling people that they find them attractive. It’s maddening to have that much confidence.” 

Lexa jammed the book into the shelf as Clarke leaned beside her, grinning that grin that meant she was amused. That was also maddening. All of it suddenly was maddening, and Lexa missed the quiet of her shelves and wished she could go back in time and not let herself go to Pride. Then she wouldn’t have to see Clarke Griffin. 

“I like to have a healthy opinion of myself.” Lexa snorted. “And you should have one of yourself. Want to know a secret?” 

It was the smile that did it. And the eyes. But Lexa looked at Clarke and softened somewhat. It was due to the proximity, she told herself. Nothing else that she could control. 

“Sure.” 

“I didn’t really need these books,” Clarke offered. “I mean, I could have just ordered them online like a normal person. And I live closer to the Redwood Branch.” 

“Then why’d you come here?” 

“Hard to imagine you’re the valedictorian,” she chuckled. “I came to see you.” 

“Me?” 

“Yeah. I saw you at Pride and was intrigued. Thought I might feel it out a little bit.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” 

“Why not, Woods?” Clarke sighed. “I’ve got nothing but time and… well, I didn’t know you were into girls.”

“How can you be so just… How can you just say what you’re thinking?” 

“Lots of practice,” she smiled. 

“I could never imagine just… just… just…” Lexa waved her hands around slightly as she tried to explain what she couldn’t. “I couldn’t just do that. What if it went badly?” 

“Is it going badly?” 

“No, but-- wait. Maybe. What I mean is…” It didn’t help that Clarke was leaning closer and Lexa was stuck in the stacks with a girl that was flirting with her and she’d never had that before and it was way better than she could have ever imagined. “Wouldn’t ou have been embarrassed if I just ignored you or something?” 

“Oh yeah, big time,” Clarke nodded. “But my dad used to tell me to do one thing every day that scared me. Figured I’d get it done before dinnertime today.” 

She was charming and honest and refreshing and unlike anyone Lexa had ever met. It was a whirlwind. 

“I have to finish this before my shift ends,” she tore her eyes away from Clarke’s and looked back at her cart. 

“Right, yeah, definitely,” Clarke agreed. 

“I should do that.” 

“I should go check these out.” 

“Maybe I’ll see you around this summer.” 

“Yeah,” Clarke grinned. “Maybe.” 

Lexa stood there as Clarke turned back toward reception.

“Clarke-- I um,” Lexa watched as she turned around. “I’ve never flirted… with anyone, really.” 

“That is surprising news.” 

She could tell from her tone that it wasn’t news, and Lexa pursed her lips and set her jaw. She stood a little straighter, steeling herself. 

“I hope I see you around.” 

“We do seem to keep running into each other.” 

With a final smile, Clarke winked and disappeared. 

XXXXXXXXXX

Standing outside of the house on the corner, Clarke looked at the perfectly trimmed hedges and the flag that hung by the door. The lawn was manicured and neat, the house was beautiful, lit up and glowing with life inside in the waning light. It was in the suburbs and insanely suburban. A tire swing hung from a giant oak. A basketball hoop hung over the garage. 

For the life of her, Clarke wasn’t sure how she ended up here, except that she made herself stand awkwardly in front of Lexa Wood’s house. Three years ago, she met Lexa as a freshman, and instantly had a crush on the girl who argued with her in history class. But Clarke also decided to avoid having a crush on the cute girl who pushed up her glasses and tried very hard to be absolutely perfect. 

She still kind of always had a crush, despite her refusal to admit it. For the past three years, Clarke tried to make Lexa smile from time to time. She’d do something stuipd and make sure Lexa was watching. 

But Pride was one of the few times in the past year they’d spoken. And Clarke was certain that now was her chance, so she took it. And after the library, she spent every day for a week and a  half showing up at the library. She brought Lexa lunch a few times, followed her around the stacks, chatting and fully developing a crush. It was easy to do. Lexa was funny, and serious, and witty, and quiet, and smart, like ridiculously smart, and she wasn’t afraid of Clarke, or intimidated. She debated her with vigor, had opinions, had plans, and more importantly, had dreams. 

Clarke knew why she was standing on Lexa’s front porch, and she knew why she was slightly nervous to knock, she just hated someone being able to do that, in equal parts as much as she craved it. 

She took a deep breath and reminded herself that this was good before she knocked. 

“Hey,” Lexa greeted her, smiling and pushing up her glasses as she does her best to not look winded from running to the door. 

“Hey,” Clarke sighs,  matching her grin, forgetting all of the thoughts of before. “You look really nice.” 

“Thanks. I, uh, you too. I like the black eye in particular.” 

“Oh, this?” she motioned toward the eye that had a little bruising. “Just, um. Bopped myself in the face while working out.” 

“What were you doing? Boxing?” 

“Krav Maga. My partner got a little overzealous.” 

“Goodness.” 

“I’ll try to be extra charming to make up for my disfigurement. I hope your gentle eyes can make it past my horrible appearance.” 

“I’ll do my best to look past it.”

“Good,” Clarke smiled and handed over a helmet. “Are you ready for the first date?” 

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” 

They walked toward the motorcycle sitting near the curb. Clarke pressed her palm to the flat of Lexa’s back. She handed over a helmet and Lexa looked at it curiously. 

“For your protection. Have you ever ridden on anything like this before?” 

“I’ve driven go karts.”

“Not the same thing,” Clarke chuckled. “Here, I’ll help.” 

The helmet eclipsed her, but Lexa tilted it upwards so that Clarke’s skilled fingers could tighten the strap beneath it. She lifted the visor and watched Clarke work. 

“I feel like a badass.” 

“You are.” 

“Do I look the part?” Lexa asked, smiling slightly as Clarke hopped on the motorcycle and put on her own helmet. 

“Very much,” she promised, flipping down both of their visors. “Hold on tight.” 

The date wasn’t anything fancy, but Clarke was hoping it was enough. They drove to the park, with Lexa’s arms wrapped tightly around her, and she took the long way, nice and slow, just for that reason. 

The park was busy, fully of people ready to enjoy the evening and a movie. Clarke unloaded a blanket and her backpack full of snacks, fully prepared to show off her dateable skills. From what she knew about Lexa, she assumed it was her first first date, and she was going to set the bar extremely high. 

Before the movie started, they talked about nothing in particular, and Clarke was careful to get in a little teasing, which Lexa returned, smiling the entire time, challenging her. During the movie, Clarke let Lexa lay her head on her lap, and shivered because she gave her the only sweatshirt she had. 

Even after it ended, they remained, hanging out in the twilight and talking, hovering, close and unsure and happy. Later into the night, after another trip back to Lexa’s, Clarke bashfully stood on the porch and earned a hug and completely bungled the kiss, unable to read Lexa and unable to make herself that brave. 

“Did you have a good time?” Clarke ventured, leaning against the railing. 

“I really did. Thank you.” 

“Maybe we could do it again sometime.” 

“I’d like that.” 

“Good.”

“Good.” 

“Great,” Clarke grinned. 

“Great.” 

XXXXXXXXXX

It was almost like a game at this point, for Lexa to stumble upon Clarke somewhere in the library during her shift. Rarely was it in the same place twice, and rarely was it when she was expecting it, though she found herself always looking forward to the smile and girl that sometimes brought her snacks. 

For the first month of summer break, Lexa didn’t even realize she’d spent most of it talking to or spending time with Clarke Griffin. It just kind of happened, and she found herself getting attached. She found herself flirting, or so she thought. She definitely found herself flirted with, which was still so wonderful. 

Clarke wasn’t what she’d thought. She was insanely frustrating and still too hot for her own good, and smarter than she wanted anyone to know, while at the same time being absolutely addicted to her moral code and her’s alone. 

In a month, Lexa learned that Clarke was not in a gang, despite everyone thinking it was a gang, but rather had a close knit group of friends that occasionally contributed to shenanigans of a disruptive nature. She learned that she was a hell of an artist, sketching things here and there, and when they ventured out on a hike or spent time lounging around, showed her sketchbook very timidly. She learned that Clarke’s father died three years ago, and that was where she disappeared to freshman year. She learned that Clarke liked to work on her motorcycle herself instead of taking to a shop because she wanted to feel closer to her father. Lexa spent an entire afternoon learning parts of the bike and helping with an oil change. 

For an entire month, Clarke pushed Lexa. She pushed her to go on dates. She pushed her to jump off of the old bridge foundation at the river when they went swimming. She pushed her to watch a few movies she wasn’t sure of. She pushed her to egg street signs for the first time ever. 

“Excuse me, but I’m looking for a book about a cute librarian who has a crush on a girl named Clarke. Know where I can find that?” 

Lexa smiled despite herself as she turned the corner in one of the farther aisles in the library’s second floor. 

“I was just thinking about you.” 

“All good things I hope.” 

“More or less.” 

That seemed like good enough for Clarke who returned Lexa’s smile. The two stood there, close in the tight aisle, but used to the proximity. 

“I was wondering if you’d like to come over tonight. We could watch a movie and you could read my essay and give a million edit suggestions. I’ll even let you use your red pen.” 

“It shows up better.” 

“Yeah yeah,” Clarke humored her. 

“I’ll be over after dinner then.”

“Good.” 

“Were you leaving already?” Lexa furrowed as Clarke shoulder her backpack and shifted instead of getting comfortable or even grabbing some of the books to help her put back on the shelves. 

“I have to see a guy about a thing.”

“Just a drive by today, and no snack?” 

“Like I would ever leave you wanting,” Clarke tsk’d as she dug in her bag and pulled out Lexa’s favorite assortment of gummy bears. “I know what you like, Woods.” 

“You’re spoiling me. I’ll have to start working out more often or I’ll be too slow for track.” 

“You’re fit. I mean, you’re--”

“Perv.” 

“Sometimes,” Clarke shrugged. 

Lexa held her bag of snacks in her hand and smiled at them softly. She saw Clarke’s shoes nearly touching her own, and when she looked up, she realized how close they truly were. But she didn’t move. She just stood there and tried to figure out what Clarke’s eyes were saying, because they were furrowed until they weren’t, and then there was a peace there, a decisive calm. 

Lexa felt a hand on her shirt, grasping it near her heartbeat. Clarke paused before she did it, waiting for Lexa to pull away, asking for permission. Only when she got it, did she lean forward and kiss Lexa enough to take her breath away. The only thing Lexa could hear was the blood thumping in her ears, but she ignored it and kissed Clarke back eagerly. 

“Thanks, Woods,” Clarke murmured after a few seconds. “I needed that.” 

“Yeah, no, yeah.” 

“I’ll see you later.” 

“Right, later, mhm,” Lexa nodded and ran her thumb along her bottom lip as Clarke moved, leaving her rooted and blushing. 

“If you liked that, we could do it more often,” Clarke offered as she walked backward out of the shelves. 

“Sounds very good to me.”

[lovemesomesurveys]

Animals Do you prefer cats or dogs? I’m a dog person for sure.

If you had to choose, which animal would you like to be reincarnated as? A dog. 

Some say peoples personalities or looks resemble animals. Whats your animal? Probably a sloth, ha. 

Books Which book series was the first you read? As a kid I loved Nancy Drew, The Babysitter’s Club, Sweet Valley High, and Goosebumps.

What was the last book you read? I’m currently reading Autumn’s Game by Mary Stone.

Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? Write a book.

Characters Which TV show/movie/book character do you think you are most like? Hmm. I don’t know.

Which superhero is your favourite and why? Iron Man, Spiderman, Ant-Man, Star Lord, Thor.

What's your favourite fairytale character? Is Alice in Wonderland a fairytale?

Dreams Do you usually remember your dreams? I’ll remember it briefly and then it like vanishes. My dreams are like a Snapchat.

Are most of your dreams good, scary or just plain weird? Just plain weird, man.

What dream that you've had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: The nightmares or the ones that make me wake up crying and shaking don’t like to vanish, unfortunately. Those get saved to the camera roll.

Emotions What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others? I’m definitely not as good at hiding my emotions anymore. They took over and control me now.

How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? A lot. I’m so damn moody.

Do your emotions control you or do you control your emotions? Like I said, they definitely control me. 

Fun What do you do for fun? May not be considered fun, but my days are spent checking my social medias, watching YouTube, watching TV, reading, scrolling through Tumblr, doing surveys, spending time with my family, lounging around, and perhaps a little coloring. I like doing those things, though, so it works for me. 

Which is more fun: cycling, watching tv, roller coaster ride or cooking? Uhh, the only thing I like out of those choices is watching TV.

What is the funnest game to play? I love board games.

Geometry Nearest square thing to you? The throw pillows on my bed.

What was the last circular thing you ate? Cookies.

Is there anything triangular in the room you're in right now? I’m sure, but nothing triangular is popping out at me at the moment and I don’t feel like really looking around and thinking about it.

Height Are you taller or shorter than average? I’m 5′4, which is short, but not shorter than average I don’t think.

Is your Mum tall or short? How about your Dad? My mom is about 5′5 and my dad is about 5′9.

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? I wish I was taller.

If... If you became pregnant or your partner did, what would you do? Well, I can’t get pregnant, sooo.

If you lost something your friend lent to you, what would you do? I would feel really bad, first of all. I’d be nervous to tell them, especially if it was something that was special and unique. I’d of course have to tell them, though, and I’d replace it if possible. If it wasn’t replaceable... I don’t know what I would do. All I could do is apologize immensely and somehow try to make it up to them. I’d be super careful if a friend lent me anything, though, regardless of what it was. I also probably would just not borrow something that wasn’t replaceable or expensive to avoid all of that.

If you had to talk about 1 subject for a minute live on TV, which one? Yikes. That minute would feel like forever, I have no idea. Pass.

Jokes Do you normally tell jokes or listen to the jokes? I’m not a joke teller except maybe some cheesy, corny one I might have heard now and then. 

What is your sense of humour like (dry, dark, sarcastic etc)? I laugh at a lot of things. I like puns and clever humour but I also like dumb things and dry things too. I think it's just really easy to make me laugh. <<< Yeah, pretty much.

Kisses Do you put x's in your text messages? No.

When did you last have a kiss? 8 years ago...

Does your grandma give you big sloppy kisses when she sees you? No. She gives me a big hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.

Language How many languages can you say 'hello my name is...' in? Three.

What language do you think sounds the nicest? I think they’re all unique and interesting.

What language do you want to learn more of? I’d love to be fluent in Spanish. I can only speak and understand a little. Brushing up on it by helping my mom do her Duolingo everyday for the past few months has been helpful.

Marriage Do you ever want to get married? No. I truly don’t see that happening for me.

Church or Registery Office? Dream wedding?

Names Your closest friends names? I don’t have any friends.

What names would you ever call your kids? I don’t want to have kids.

What name is the cutest for a little black and white doggie? I’m someone who needs to see and get a vibe from the dog first before naming them. And not just something that has to do with their color. 

Order Are you tidy? I’m not a messy person, like I don’t have clothes or stuff on my floor, I put my dishes in the sink after using them, I throw stuff away when I’m done, etc, but my room has become disorganized and a bit cluttered. I just have too much stuff and not enough space.

Do you colour code things or put them in alphabetical order? No.

Do you have any form of OCD? No. People throw that around loosely.

Promises Do you make promises often? No.

What was the last promise you made? I don’t even remember.

Do you plan to keep that promise?

Quizzes What types of online quizzes/surveys do you like taking? I like surveys with random and interesting questions that allow me to elaborate. And vent and ramble, too. I like ones like this that are divided up into categories. Themed surveys are fun as well.

Have you ever made a quiz? What was it about? No. I made a survey once a longggg time ago.

Have you ever taken an EQ or IQ test? If so, what did you get? I’ve taken IQ tests and got “above average.”

Responsibility Do you class yourself as 'responsible'? Not as much as I should be at 31 years old. :/ These past few years especially I really feel like I haven’t been responsible with a lot of things that I should be. 

What do you think defines a 'responsible' person? Someone dependable, keeps their commitments, and handles their business. They get shit done.

What is it that you are responsible for? Paying my bills, taking care of myself (haven’t been doing very well with that...), my doctor appointments, cleaning up after myself...

Secrets Do you have a lot of secrets? Not really. I’m quite boring.

"A secret isn't a secret if you tell one person." Is this true to you? Uhhh, that does make sense. You think of a secret as something you don’t share with someone else. I guess if it’s something you tell someone or a few select people that you trust that you wouldn’t want getting out to anyone else it could still be a secret, right? Something you don’t want everyone to know. *shrug*

Thought Provoking If you knew you had a high chance of dying, would you kill yourself before disease riddled you unable or hope for the best? Jeez. I don’t want to think about that.

Choose a box: 1 has a large amount of money, the other either a wish or fear of yours come true. Which do you pick? The money is tempting, but I might go with the wish...

An angel comes to you and offers to show you one thing from the future or the past; past or future and what is that thing gonna be? The future terrifies me, I’d be afraid to know a lot of things regarding my future. But I already know my past, so I don’t know what I’d ask them to show me. I don’t knowwww.

Unlucky

Would you say you are more unlucky or lucky? I don’t believe in luck. I would say I have had a lot of bad cards dealt to me and I also am fortunate in other ways. 

A leprechaun pops up and offers to plant some luck on you but it could go either way. Risk it or dismiss it? Dismiss it.

Violence When did you last hit or punch someone? I haven’t hit or punched anyone.

When did you last get hit or punched? Never.

Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? I’m not an aggressive person.

Warnings Do you listen when someone gives you a warning? I want to say I would likely listen to a warning, but I guess it would depend what it was about.

What warning has someone gave you that you wish you'd have listened to? That I should have taken care of some things sooner and not ignored/put them off for so long.

What warning has someone gave you you are glad you didn't take? I’m blanking right now. XXX

Have you ever had sex? No.

Have you ever accidentally saw someone having sex? No.

YouTube Do you go onto YouTube? I spend a lot of time on YouTube.

What is your favourite video of on YouTube? I don’t have just one favorite, I have a ton. I’m especially into ASMR.

What channels do you go on the most? I’m subscribed to several people---ASMRtists, vloggers, lifestyle videos, Disney related channels, a mukbanger, a drama commentary channel, and a channel that does videos on abandoned places and the rise and fall of former businesses that are no longer around.

Zodiac What's your starsign? Leo.

What are the traits of that sign? Do you have them? Leos are described as being very opposite of me that’s for sure. I don’t believe in that stuff anyway, though.

What zodiac sign do you think you suit the most? I don’t care.

Number 1 Name me 1 person who has changed your life for the better? My mom.

Name me 1 object that's in your kitchen right now? My Keurig.

Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? ALL bugs.

Number 2 2nd person that you talked to today was... I haven’t talked to anyone yet, it’s 820AM and my mom is asleep and my dad and brother are at work.

What is 2 times your favourite number? 16.

You and two of your friends have got in trouble with the law. Who are the 2 friends you have got in trouble with and what did you do? No friends, sooo.

Number 3 3 words that don't describe you at all: Healthy, ambitious, confident.

Who is 3rd in your contacts list on your phone? I don’t feel like checking.

In 3 more days, what will the date be? It will be January 25, 2021.

[mintypothos]

Catnip Was Not an Ingredient

a silly stream-of-consciousness fic featuring Burr and Hamilton

Harry Potter AU, only they’re all adults and probably never went to Hogwarts (I bet Jefferson went to Beauxbatons though) 

Everyone knew Alexander Hamilton was trouble. None more so than Aaron Burr, especially now.

The call had seemed urgent, when Aaron received it. Hamilton, like most people nowadays, was more of a texting than a calling sort. So picking up the ring tone only to hear Hamilton practically beg Aaron to come over was both unusual and highly concerning. Not that Aaron was about to admit it, Hamilton would definitely tease him.

Aaron was honestly half expecting a teasing remark of some sort when he arrived mere minutes after the call, having run several lights to get to Hamilton's apartment complex. Either that, or he expected to find Hamilton dying on the floor, some accidental magical poison spewing from his stove top.

What Aaron wasn't expecting, however, was the sight of Hamilton huddled on his kitchen chair, knees drawn up to his chin, hands furiously scratching at two very feline ears poking out the top of his head.

“I thought you were having a potions emergency.” Aaron stated, honestly surprised to get any words out. Hamilton's cat ears twitched. Aaron spotted a flicker out the back of the chair that looked suspiciously like a tail.

Hamilton finally looked up at him, an expression of abject misery. “It is a potions emergency. I was working on a potion to change your animagus form.”

“You what!?” Aaron stopped considering the bizarre nature of the situation and strode over to the saucepan on the kitchen table. “That's really high level stuff, experts have been trying for years.” He drew his wand and cast a quick air containment spell, before leaning down to take a better look. “You know potions aren't even your strong suit.”

Hamilton huffed loudly. “Yeah, well, Jefferson was being an asshole.” Aaron ignored that and cast a detection spell, sighing in relief when it revealed no dangerous gases in the containment. He then cast another spell to look for anything in the potion itself that would harm a person. The feedback informed Aaron that there was a moderate nausea causing agent.

“Looks like you'll be fine, all things considered. You'll probably throw up later, but if that's the only consequence of uninformed potion experimenting, consider yourself lucky. Honestly Hamilton, what were you thinking?” Aaron canceled the containment spell now that it was deemed safe, and took a curious sniff. Despite being a deep forest green, the concoction smelled of Hazelnuts.

Aaron turned back to Hamilton, ready for an explanation, only to be met with a scowl, scrunched nose, and folded back ears. “Like I said, Jefferson was being-”

Aaron waved an impatient hand, cutting Hamilton off. “No, I heard that. I was waiting for the real reason.”

“That is the real reason!”

“Jefferson is always an asshole, you of all people know this. Now be more specific.” Aaron folded his arms at Hamilton's defiant stare. “Come on, this goes beyond your usual pointless competitive squabbling. I think I deserve an explanation.”

It was a perfectly reasonable request, but still Hamilton shifted and looked away. “Look, can't you just help me? The potion's meant to last a week before it runs out naturally. I can't be seen like this!”

“Of course I'll help.” Aaron put on a polite, patient smile, the same kind he gave to the particularly stubborn children at work. “Just as soon as you tell me exactly what's going on.”

Hamilton let out a long groan. Aaron waited it out, taking another chance to investigate. There was something different about Hamilton's eyes- they seemed larger, somehow, with an almost-glow that only compounded the bright attentiveness Hamilton always had about him. When he opened his mouth, Aaron was certain he saw sharp feline teeth.

“Alright, fine. We were arguing and Jefferson brought his stupid hobby up again.” Alex finally relented. Aaron gave an encouraging nod. Thomas was actually a very skilled potioneer, for all that his career was in politics. Hamilton's need to be the smartest in every subject crossed  paths with his intense rivalry often enough, and his non-skill in potions was a notable sore point. “He was complaining about the current research for temporary animagus-changing potions, talking shit about how it was impossible and researchers were wasting their time. I just told him that researchers with actual Masters in the subject obviously must know better than two-bit dabblers.”

And didn't that explain everything Aaron needed to know. “He dared you to prove him wrong.”

“He dared me to prove him wrong,” Hamilton agreed. “I thought I was on the right track, but as you can see, well...”

The saucepan sat innocently on the table. Aaron allowed another sigh. “You know Jefferson knows more about this subject than you.”

Hamilton grimaced, but conceded the point with a tiny shrug. “Maybe, but he doesn't have an inventive bone in his body! Always so narrow minded, so uninspired.” He gestured at the potion, at the scattered ingredients making a mess all over his counter. “The man's got no creative process, no spirit!”

Thomas Jefferson was the inventor of several quite ingenious policies, as well as a few potions and even a spell or two that would probably be used for decades to come. While narrow minded could be used to describe him, uninvented and uninspired certainly could not. There was no point in correcting Hamilton when it came to Jefferson though, so Aaron let him have it.

“Besides,” Hamilton grinned widely, his sharp teeth making fangs against his lips. “You know a lot more than either of us.”

And there lay the rub. “I'm not going to work on one of the biggest challenges of cutting edge potioneering just so you can win a bet against Jefferson.” Despite his words, Aaron started glancing down to the disorganized papers littering the table. Hamilton was nowhere near the solution, obviously, but that bit about making the effects last a week were interesting. Aaron knew a few methods, and all were fairly difficult to accomplish.

Hamilton pouted. “You can at least reverse it? You are a professional, after all.”

The words were clearly bait. “I keep telling you, my field of study is in theoretical Herbology, not potion making.”

“Yes, yes, 'theoretical Herbology with a focus on lunar-phase dependent flora. You still have a degree in potions.” Aaron opened his mouth to correct, only to be cut off “-which is only as part of a double major with Herbology. I know, you keep saying.”

“Well,” It was Aaron's turn to huff. “If you'd stop misrepresenting my studies and my work, maybe I wouldn't have to repeat them.” He wouldn't admit that the vote of utter confidence felt nice, though. And really, Aaron wasn't actually an asshole, even though the idea of stranding Hamilton like this was funny. “I can take a look, but I can't promise anything. You know anti-potions are a tricky field.”

The resulting smile was blinding. “Let's move to the study, then? That's where most of my notes are. These are just the last recipe I tried.” He gestured at the mess of papers.

Aaron stood up. “Well thank god you at least kept notes. Can you  put everything into order and show me where you started?”

Hamilton's ears flared as he practically leaped up after Aaron. “Of course!” His tail whipped upwards as he leaned over the table to pull all the papers into a messy file. Aaron tried to remember cat body language, and then decided to stop trying. It was cute, Aaron had no problem admitting that to himself. Hamilton was cute enough on his own already. But he wouldn't want to hear that, and he certainly wouldn't want to hear it now when he was under the effect of untested, unverified potion (even if it was his own damn fault).

The two of them quickly settled in the study, where Aaron immediately had plenty of things to take his mind off of Hamilton being cute. “For once, your insistence on writing way too much at all times pays off,” Aaron mused, looking at the mountain of paper on the desk. Hamilton dragged a second chair into the room  so they could both sit. “It's easier to reverse engineer when all thought processes and actions are available.”

Hamilton looked proud for a moment, and then annoyed. “What do you mean, 'for once'? My writing pays off all the time, or I wouldn't be a very successful secretary of treasury. And I am, successful that is.” Hamilton was right, of course, but Aaron allowed himself the pretense because he really did write far too much at times.

Aaron quickly fell into a familiar rhythm, born of frequent late nights studying and late night collaborations with Hamilton in specific, though it had been quite a while since either. The American Wizengamot they were both part of had not met in full for several years now.

“So, is there a reason you focused on making the animagus shift to a housecat?” Aaron asked, halfway finished deciphering Hamilton's long rambling thought process.

“Oh well, I thought it would be easier to focus on something close to my own form.”

“Of course. A lion, was it?” The question was polite, Aaron already knew. The number of registered animagus was always rising as information and aid became wider spread, but there still weren't so many that Aaron wasn't aware of every animagus in the United States.

Hamilton hummed in agreement, scribbling a more concise version of the recipe he had used, at Aaron's request. “And you're a Cuban crocodile, not that anyone has ever seen you shift.”

It was a long standing point of contention. Aaron changed the topic. “According to the theoretical proof, the one I'm assuming you've based your experiments on, it actually doesn't matter what your animagus form is, only that you have one. The specific form of the user should have no impact on the effectiveness of a shifting potion for any other specific form.”

This got a rare silent pause. “Huh, no shit? I should probably re-read that.” Aaron left him to it, he had an antidote to formulate.

--

“Alexander, I'm sorry.” Aaron was about ready to sleep even after several cups of coffee.

“Wait no, come on, surely there's something else?” Aaron wanted to snap at Hamilton's words, but it was obvious he was desperate. He regularly wore his emotions on a sleeve already, the sagging tail and pinned ears were almost redundant. They just made him look sadder, and that wasn't what Aaron needed right now.

“I've already gone over everything twice. God knows how you managed it, but you used the one duration-lengthening process that needs a masters in Arithmancy to reverse. Neither you nor I are slouches in the subject, but come on, Hamilton.”

Hamilton's ears drooped further down, Aaron hadn't even thought it possible. “But I can't miss a whole week of work, and I can't go in like this, either!”

“That's your own problem, Hamilton. I've tried my best, but in the end it was your decision to self test an amateur potion, and so it is your consequence to deal with.” Aaron rubbed his eyes. “It's after midnight.”

Hamilton pouted. “I bet you wouldn't be so cavalier about consequences if it were you stuck like this.”

That startled a tired laugh out of him. “I wouldn't get stuck like that in the first place. I'm sure Jefferson is going to have a field day.”

A loud thump sounded as Hamilton let his head fall to the desk. “Don't remind me.” He groaned. And then he sat up again. “Wait, aren't you due in that meeting tomorrow too?”

Aaron raised an eyebrow. “I'm surprised you know about that, but yes. The meeting on the ongoing Herbology conservation plan. I'm the consultant.”

“You can cover me, then!”

“Cover you, how?” Aaron snorted, “I'm not going to make some distraction just so people aren't staring at your predicament.” He stretched and yawned. Hamilton could argue all he wanted, but Aaron was going home very shortly, one way or another. And sure enough, Hamilton's eyes focused on a patch of empty air, his lips pressing into a determined line. Aaron let him sit in thought, turning to the mess they had made.

The mountain of papers had been multiplied and divided into neat piles, Aaron's own contributions in careful order, but no less cluttered. He felt a sharp pang of fond nostalgia, their mutual fervent efforts creating a storm in the courts, propelling Wizengamot hearings into proper muggle-inspired trials. However, this particular venture may have trumped even those days. Aaron was almost shocked at the amount of work they had managed. Maybe Hamilton wasn't so far off from a solution after all, for all hat his initial efforts had been barely-informed stumbling.

Hamilton scraped his chair as he stood. “I'll get you one more coffee for the road. I know you hate apparating when you're tired, and you'll want one if you're walking home.” He made a beeline for the kitchen, and Aaron barely had time to add a 'thank you'.

Aaron thanked the wizards of old that Hamilton wasn't fighting it anymore, seemingly accepting that Aaron had tried his best. He seemed suddenly chipper too, likely having discovered a plan already to hide his current status. Aaron couldn't blame Hamilton for his emotional investment. Merlin knows he'd be horrified in Hamilton's position. If he had a strategy, even a half baked one, Aaron could only wish him luck.

Hamilton was back in minutes, steaming mug in hand. Aaron accepted it gratefully, even if it was the fourth cup by now. “I really am leaving after this, just so you know.” Aaron warned, relishing the warm steam rising up into his face.

“Yeah, I know. I guess that's fair. At least I can keep the notes, I think we made some good progress on the actual potion, if not an antidote to the accident. “

Aaron took a long, slow sip. The Hazelnut creamer was a bit of a surprise, but Hamilton was likely buttering him up for whatever hare brained scheme he likely had for tomorrow. “If you actually manage it, I expect at least partial credit.”

Another sip of coffee. It was a nice change of flavour, though all of Hamilton's coffee was delicious. It was how he stayed upright half the time, after all. “Of course,” Hamilton assured, a little too quickly, his voice slightly high. Aaron rolled his eyes. It wouldn't be the first time Hamilton had trouble sharing credit.

“Maybe I ought to make a copy of everything then, if you're going to take all the credit.” Aaron was half joking, because despite his reluctance the evening had actually been interesting, and Aaron wouldn't mind pursuing the idea. Just a bit, on his own. Without Hamilton gloating about being right.

Hamilton shrugged and spread his arms wide, welcoming the idea, only the movements were quick and nervous, the tip of his tail agitated. Aaron frowned at the sight, and then winced as a sudden throbbing overtook his head.

For a moment, Aaron's ears seemed to pop. Which didn't make sense, as they weren't changing in pressure. Then the same sensation repeated itself, but around his tailbone. A building, throbbing pressure, and then a satisfying pop. Aaron was confused, until Hamilton flinched and suddenly looked very guilty, and then he wasn't.

“I swear to god Hamilton-” Aaron began, reaching his hands to the empty space where his ears should be, and then slowly up until he felt new, furry, mobile appendages. “What the fuck!?” He jumped up, eyes following the long silky black tail that blended into his backside.

“Sorry, sorry, I just thought, if you were holding out secretly-”

“Holy shit Hamilton, I was telling the truth! I can't reverse this shit! What the fuck!” Aaron was yelling. He felt the strange sensation of his own tail bristling, could feel the fur puffing out, even. He didn't care.

“-and if you weren't holding out, then at least I wouldn't be alone!” Hamilton seemed proud of himself. Aaron spotted a hint of mischief in his eyes, and his panic deflated somewhat despite himself. It was temporary, he remembered, even if it would last a whole week.

“Yes, because embarrassing me as well makes things so much better.” Aaron glared. Hamilton seemed to shrivel for a moment, before springing back with a wide smile.

“Exactly! I won't feel half as dumb, now. And Jefferson won't be able to laugh at both of us, since you're too serious all the time to get made fun of.” His hand reached out for Aaron's face suddenly, until it found its mark under Aaron's temporary new ear. The light, unexpected scratching felt so nice that Aaron nearly went limp, a satisfied purr bursting from his chest. He startled and froze, because what? Did he really just purr?

Hamilton giggled, completely ignoring the statement he just made about Aaron being 'too serious to make fun of'. “Cute,” He said fondly, giving another tiny scratch. For a moment, Aaron considering leaning into the motion- it was honestly sinful how good the ear scratching felt. But then he remembered whose fault this was.

“I'm going home before you can do anymore damage.” Hamilton, for once, didn't contest this, though he did shoot Aaron a very self satisfied smirk at the door. Tomorrow was going to be an ordeal, definitely.

The next day meeting went as well as Aaron expected. He was not in fact 'too serious to make fun of', and earned barely concealed amusement from nearly everyone, including a very inelegant snort from President Washington himself. Jefferson found himself extremely capable of laughing at both of them, and Madison even more capable of summoning a camera. Aaron's only saving grace was that the meeting was kept just professional enough for Aaron to say his piece and have it be listened to.

The potion actually lasted nine days, each one filled with jokes and taunts that were tired by day 2. One more day of someone waving catnip in his face, and Aaron knew he would end up with a Homicide on his hands.

In revenge, Aaron lounged at Hamilton's place after work, ate all his good snacks, and made him scratch behind Aaron's ears. When Aaron was feeling particularly satisfied, he sometimes scratched Hamilton's ears in turn, which very obviously elicited the same pleasant feelings. Maybe the potion made him loopy (the nausea came and went from the third day onwards), but it somehow ended up one of the nicest weeks Aaron remembered having, eternal embarrassment notwithstanding.

It was supposed to be Hamilton's penance of course, but somehow he never once voiced a complaint. Instead, Hamilton spent the week smiling.

[socialpandafly-blog]

The One About My Illness

So lets talk about my “illness” (cue the eye roll) 

I have ADHD which stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, I cringe at the disorder part. But thats what scientists and doctors think it is so for the sake of being scientifically correct thats what we’ll call it. So its a disorder marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity or impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. I’m going to cover each of these points and then we’ll look at what that means for me and kind of how my case behaves. Hopefully by the end of this you’ll understand me a little better because this right here my friends is a gold mine. I am giving you the map to make sense of all the things I may do no matter how odd or weird my actions or behaviors may seem at the time. Now if any of this scared you or put you off a bit, I apologize that was never my intention. I’m actually a really cool person I promise. Thats enough of my rambling for now though so lets dive in. 

Inattention: This means a person wanders off task, lacks persistence, has difficulty sustaining focus, and is disorganized. Now these problems are not due to defiance or lack of comprehension. I just get bored easily. And it’s not that I just don’t understand and therefore lose interest, I just have so much more going on up here and its hard to focus on just one of them. 

Hyperactivity: Alright, so this is defined by or means a person seems to move about constantly, including in situations in which it is not appropriate, or they excessively fidget (fun fact: fidget spinners were actually made for people like me. They were also made for physical therapy patients. You’re welcome) taps, or talks (I do that one a lot). In adults it may be extreme restlessness or wearing others out with constant activity. 

Impulsivity: Okie dokie so this guy right here is a person who makes hasty actions that occur in the moment without first thinking about them and that may have high potential for harm, or a desire for immediate rewards or inability to delay gratification. An impulsive person may be socially intrusive and excessively interrupt others to make important decisions without considering the long term consequences. Now this guy we’re going to call him Fred, I think Fred is the one that scares people the most about ADHD. I personally don’t have a whole lot of Fred but I have met people that have a bunch of Fred in them and they are definitely interesting. Depending on the severity of Fred though he will cause no harm at all and is just widely misunderstood. Fred is actually not that bad of a guy. He just takes some getting used to.

Inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity are the key behaviors of ADHD. Some people with ADHD only have problems with one of these behaviors, while others have both inattention and hyperactivity/impulsivity. Most children do however have the combined type of ADHD. I have a combined type of ADHD with all contributing factors having varying degrees of severity. So as promised I’ll explain what this means for me and what this all looks like in my case. I have a tendency to move fast, like really fast and I’m not talking physically I mean mentally. And because of that I may have a bad habit of overlooking or just entirely missing details, in schoolwork, at work and in other activities as well. Which sometimes leads to careless mistakes. I also have a hard time sustaining my attention in about everything, conversations (sorry about that) lectures, or lengthy reading, and I love reading. You also may notice from time to time that I may not seem to listen when directly spoken to. Well, I’ll be honest, its probably because I’m not. Usually because I have something on my mind and I’m deep in thought. I’m not trying to be rude but its hard to keep track of all these thoughts when they move at a thousand miles per hour. I have a hard time following through on instructions as well and sometimes fail to finish things like schoolwork (This was typed the night before it was due) or chores and other tasks simply because I start them but it starts to quickly go downhill from there and I lose focus and easily get sidetracked. And if that wasn’t bad enough I can’t even organize all these tasks and activities properly. I have problems organizing such as what to do in sequence, keeping materials and belongings in order, having messy work and poor time management (usually daydreaming) and I suck at deadlines and sometimes fail to meet them. I’m also a bit difficult too, I tend to avoid or dislike things that require a sustained mental effort because I get bored. And yeah, this is basically just homework or any kind of school work in general because anything else I’m doing doesn’t generally take up a lot of my time because I’m always moving on to the next thing. I also lose things (I’m getting better at that one) and very easily get distracted by unrelated thoughts. For example, while writing this I started thinking about foxes and how cute they are and then I thought about pandas and how I wish I could combine the two. Well a Google search about combining these two basically left me with the discovery that a Red Panda is basically that very thing and now my life is changed forever and I’m in love. I also fidget and I squirm, I like to tinker with everything, sometimes I’ll be really hyper and I’ll run or climb on something I shouldn’t necessarily be (usually just to sit because I’m lazy) I’m constantly in motion and always on the go, I talk nonstop especially if it is about something I love or am passionate about (No need for Google) sometimes I’ll start answering your question or respond to your comment before you finish speaking because my mind predicts what it thinks you’ll say and then I blurt out a response (Again not to be rude) and I also have issues with being patient. Now, I just wrote you a book on all the negatives and so now for time sake I’m gonna give you a list of some positives. I am a very quick thinker, I have a lot of creativity, I’m dangerously witty, I am informative about what I am talking about, I never get boring, I’m always coming up with new ideas and I like to tinker with things and figure out how they work just to answer the constant question in my head about everything “why?” I am passionate about the things I love and if you do keep my attention you know that it is really important to me, I can’t fake emotions because I have so many going through my mind at once that it is hard to pinpoint one and I am a bit more unique because ADHD has different forms and combinations so just like anyone without it we are not the same regardless of it being called the same thing. I am proud to have ADHD. I don’t see it as a disorder or an illness, I view it more as a super power and an advantage. And I know you’re probably thinking “well, Jordan how did you get that out of it when you basically just wrote a book on all the negatives.” well, its simple, like uncle Ben said “With great power comes great responsibility.” Yeah, I do have all these detractors to deal with and they do make aspects of life more difficult than they need to be or should be. But I also have all these great things (And those were just to list some of many) that I wouldn’t want to change about me or give up. Now, I’m dying to go watch some cute Red Panda videos so I’m going to cut this novel short and leave you with the question I know you’ve been asking this whole time. No I am not on medication. 

[betsyhavekost91]

“If you get more of Me, is that enough?”

Usually, starting a new year leads to reflecting on the past year. (I’m only a month behind in posting about 2017, don’t judge). For most, a new year brings excitement for the “new-ness” ahead and anticipation of all that is to come. This year, and other years, too, I dreaded the calendar turning from 2017 to 2018.

Why? Because I allow my attitude to be far too impacted by culture and by the expectations that I feel weighing on me. I look at life in 2017 compared to the year prior, and I see: same job, same roommate, same relationship status, same city, same bedspread, same wardrobe, same car, same struggles…same same same. So what did I really accomplish this past year, anyway? What do I have to show for that time if everything is the same as before?

If I let myself judge my life by external measures of success-- by society’s view of how my career should progress, by how close I am to accomplishing my “5-year goals,” or by whether my circumstances match the plan I would have envisioned for my 26 years of life-- it seems like I am failing. Because the few external changes and resume-worthy accomplishments of my past year only include adding a few letters behind my OTD, paying off a chunk of grad school debt, and joining a Relay for Life team.

God challenged me in the midst of this “new year funk” to look deeper. To reflect on how I had used my time intentionally and faithfully. To shift my perspective from “What did I accomplish?” to “Was I faithful?” And to reflect on what He taught me in the 525,600 minutes of 2017.

In 2017, I attempted to love people well, use my freedom with time and my resources purposefully, understand more deeply what rest looks like, capitalize on my gifts and use them for His glory, pursue adventure, deepen my walk with the Lord, bake a lot and sew some stuff, grow professionally, take risks, pursue vulnerability, and watch “Friends” with my roomie.

God was good to remind me that 2017-- though by external, worldly standards seemed uneventful--was not in vain.

Almost ironic, because the word I chose for 2017 was “perspective.” Not only was it a theme throughout the year, but God also challenged my perspective on the success of the year as it came to a close. Good one, God. (Insert high-five emoji here).

Reflecting on 2017, there were two key truths that I relied upon, clung to, and came to understand more deeply: 

That I don’t walk through any circumstance alone, and 

That nothing God walks me through is in vain; He uses it all for good. 

Both are relatively straightforward truths that I felt like I had learned already. But, as a good friend once told me, it isn’t that we didn’t learn it well enough the first time or that we have to re-learn a truth. Rather, God chooses to go deeper, to the next level, with the truths we have already begun to grasp. So here are some of my (somewhat disorganized) thoughts on those two truths.

1. I don’t walk alone. (You don’t either.) 

God started working on my heart with this one during OT rotations in 2015, and He has continually brought more depth to this truth.

I can give an exposition of verses on the Lord’s faithfulness in this, but to keep it short and sweet, check out the verse I often share with my patients:

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

He Himself, not just an angel, goes ahead of and with me. 

One of my favorite women (and arguably one of the most wise and godly women in my life) told me this year how she had been comforted by the line “I am never the first one to arrive on the scene; God is always there first.” And it’s been one of my favorite things to remind myself, too. 

In every unexpected schedule change at work, every season of waiting, every adventure, every minute of time spent in the Word, every relationship: He is present. He is near. He is with me in it. And the details- messy or good- don’t surprise Him one bit; He was there before I ever stepped foot into it. 

2. Nothing is in vain: He uses it all for good. (Yes, even that thing.)

(Here’s where I will get wordy.)

I was in Argentina the summer before my senior year of college, and one of the missionaries there said that it would be vital to have an understanding of the sovereignty and goodness of God in order to walk through life’s trials well. How wise she was.

By the grace of God, He has used Scripture and the circumstances of my past 5ish years to bring me to a greater and deeper awareness of His sovereignty and goodness. Of the way in which they dance together and are both entirely true of His character. That He is in complete and utter control and has power to orchestrate any circumstance as He deems fit, yet He also loves me enough to ordain that whatever occurs is for my good. (Side note: my definition of “good” is often not congruent with His. His ‘good’ usually involves growing me and refining me, which is far from enjoyable a lot of the time.) Isaiah 40 and Romans 8:28-29 are just a few passages which have deeply impacted me in this area.

Understanding (minutely) the balance between His sovereignty and goodness had led me to look at situations in which I have felt disappointment, rejection, or loss and ask “Why that, God? I know You are sovereign and good, and I know you are doing something here, so why did You allow that? What was Your purpose in this thing? How are you getting glory through that? Why not? Why so? Where are You at in this, and what are You doing?”

My black-and-white, “everything has a purpose” mind leads me to try to discern the ‘whys’ behind my circumstances and justify them by listing ways God has worked in or through them. Just steal my journal someday and you’ll see lists and lists as evidence of this. It was sure the case for 2017.

And yet many times this year, as I tried to glean out of situations the tangible answer to how God used it for good, I heard God say, “But Bets, you got more of Me through that situation; was that enough of a reason? Do you need more of an answer to ‘why?’, or is knowing more of Me enough? The good I gave you was deeper dependence on Me, greater understanding of My character, and greater knowledge of the depth of My love for you.” 

Talk about convicting.

So in that “new year funk” of mine, I started reflecting on the faithfulness of God. I landed on Lamentations 3 in a passage I’d memorized in the past, but this time it hit with new meaning as God connected some dots. The question above that I heard Him asking me was backed by His Word.

Skip to verse 25 if you don’t want to read my rambling, because that’s the verse that really got me.

Lamentations 3:19-26

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” 

 At this point, I could just type the word “boom” and stop writing because that passage says it all itself. Read it again and you’ll agree. But here are a few ways it spoke to me.

“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope.” -v. 19-21

I can understand this bit about his soul. Life can stink. My soul gets downcast, too. (Hence, my “new year funk.”) 

What do I call to my mind when I am in the midst of affliction? When my soul is downcast? I know myself well enough to know that my mind goes somewhere and dwells on something. So what do I call to mind? What do I dwell upon? It is an active, intentional thought process to call to mind that which brings hope.

“Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” -v. 21-23

Jeremiah called to mind that which brought hope in the midst of a downcast state. What brings hope? Remembrance of the Lord’s great love, the Lord’s faithfulness, and the Lord’s compassion. Because of His love, I am not consumed by sin or fear or worry or doubt or lies or insecurity. Because of His love, I remain. And when do His compassions fail? Never. They are new every morning, they reset daily.

Call that to mind, Betsy. Reset your perspective to my unchanging, unfailing, unshakeable character. I love you recklessly and relentlessly, I am entirely faithful toward you- I don’t reject you or change my mind about you- and I have great compassion toward you. Dwell there, rather than on your affliction and unanswered questions.

“I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’ -v. 24

ˆWhat do I say to myself? I don’t have multiple personalities, but I do talk to myself throughout the day. What things am I telling myself? Do I speak truth to myself or speak down to myself? Do I speak discontentment and self-reliance, or claim the sufficiency of Christ? Do I remind myself that He is enough, even when my heart doesn’t feel it to be true or when my soul doesn’t see it? Do I claim Him as my portion? Do I wait for Him?

And finally, verse 25: 

“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.” -v. 25-26

I used to read this verse and view it through the lens of “The Lord does good to those who hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” That very well may also be true. But in reading it this time, God opened my eyes to something different. It reads “The Lord IS good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him.” Re-read that slower. Then track with me for a second, cause this is more difficult to communicate through writing than in person.

Those who hope in and seek the Lord, to those ones, the Lord makes Himself known as good. 

Those who hope in and seek Him see His goodness firsthand, all because they see and know Him. Those who hope in and seek Him get Him, the ultimate good. They grasp, they perceive, they comprehend--they GET-- His goodness. In the seeking and hoping (note that the seeking and hoping is a vital part of the deal), they get a deeper understanding of His character, a bigger view of His faithfulness, a clearer glimpse of His unfathomable love. They get a deep, personal, intimate, fulfilling, sustaining relationship with Him. Those who choose to seek and hope in Him see just how stinking good He truly is, in every way. They grasp that in its fullness in the midst of pursuing Him. (How many other ways can I try to say it?) But truly, what a gift. 

And grasping His goodness shifts everything. At least, it should. For even when circumstances may be far from desirable, God is faithful, gracious, sure, merciful, just, constant, unfailing, near, forgiving, sovereign, true--- and thus He is good.

The next line in my journal was: Let my greatest good in this life be knowing You. 

Followed by the same idea in question form: God, is my greatest good in this life knowing more of you?  

I pray that question challenges you as much as it does me. Because He keeps bringing it up again and again and again. And if I’m honest, most of the time the answer isn’t ‘yes.’ 

Most of the time, I want God AND “(fill in the blank).” 

Betsy, Is knowing me a greater “good” and of greater worth than anything else? Greater than being respected at work? Greater than marrying a like-minded laborer? Greater than being known and loved? Greater than paying off grad school loans? Greater than having and raising little munchkins? Greater than your reputation? Greater than your success? Greater than your self-image? Greater than being wise or faithful? 

Talk about a kick in the gut. 

In light of that, my prayer for 2018 is for God to continue to deepen my understanding of these two truths- of His constant presence and His sovereign-goodness. I pray that I would see God as the greatest good I can attain, that I would pursue Him as my greatest good, and that doing so would lead me to actually treasure knowing Him as my greatest good.

The greatest gift God can give you is more of Himself.

And a side note: When adventuring leads to spiritual analogies.

Ask my adventure buddy Em, and she will tell you that I come up with analogies during every backpacking trip we’ve taken. I’m like on the struggle bus to catch my breath hiking uphill (while she is trekking along with her heart rate in the 80′s) and I am thinking up analogies. (Things like how we miss beauty in life when the going gets tough because we get so focused on the rough terrain in order to prevent tripping and faceplanting- and how we need to stop and take a minute to look up at the beauty surrounding us. Stuff like that.)

Well, we went snowshoeing in January, and trekked 7 miles and 2,500 feet up into the Colorado mountains to a remote cabin. Gorgeous and totally worth it. Up there, I saw the most incredible stars I have ever witnessed. I am so not exaggerating here- those stars were brighter and more numerous than I have ever seen before- and likely will ever again experience. And the reason they were so incredibly visible and beautiful? It was because our cabin, though up a mountain, was surrounded on three sides by massive rocks and was removed from any outside source of light.

In the darkest places, light shines the brightest.

I think the same can be true in life. 

Yes, it is in the hoping and seeking Him that I truly get Him and see Him as good. And often the times when I am most aware of the depth of my need for Him, the times when I hope most and seek most-- those can also be the toughest times. The darkest times.

But take heart, because in the toughest times, His nearness, love, sufficiency- and ultimately His goodness- can be most evident. I know this from experience. Let that be a truth to cling to in the midst of the trial. In the ‘whys,’ in the midst of the struggles of this life, in the darkness, choose to see the light. Look for Him and how He is drawing you close, revealing Himself, and going before and with you.

I love quotes, so here are some of my faves from the year on this concept.

I know now Lord why you utter no answer; you are yourself the answer. -C.S Lewis

God will only give you what you would have asked for if you knew everything He knows. -Tim Keller

The one aim of the call of God is the satisfaction of God, not a call to do something for Him. -Oswald Chambers

One does not surrender a life in an instant. That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime. – Jim Elliot

His goal is not to make you happy. His goal is to make you His. -Max Lucado

We are restless until our hearts find their rest in thee. -Augustine

Waiting upon God is an evidence of love to him. -Matthew Henry

“You are entirely faithful.” Psalm 89:8 NLT

“How great is your goodness, which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you.” Psalm 31:19

I also love John 9:1-3 and John 11 for seeing God’s purpose and plan behind the circumstances I am so quick to question.

Here’s to seeking the greatest good in 2018.