#this is completely off topic but talking about mars house made me think of it--someone remind me to write that post on max liu and gender

[bluejay-07]

books ask 11, 12, 17, 20!!

11. What was your favourite book that has been out for a while, but you just now read?

I keep saying this, but Crime and Punishment and The Charioteer. Crime and Punishment deals very openly with themes that are very close to home, and I thought The Charioteer was a beautiful exploration of the queer community in WWII--although I do feel like I need to read Phaedrus now lol

12. Any books that disappointed you?

Didn't love The Familiar by Leigh Bargduo--DNFed it, actually. I adored Six of Crows, and was completely on board for a historical fantasy about Sephardi Judaism under Inquisitorial Spain--and then it just kind of fell flat! It was hard to see some of the characters as people rather than vague sketches.

17. Did any books surprise you with how good they were?

In Memoriam, by Alice Winn! Fully went into it expecting it to be Song of Achilles but WWI-themed, and was pleasantly surprised! I thought the love story was beautiful and realistic, and it didn't shy away from the reality of war.

20. What was you most anticipated release? Did it meet your expectations?

The Mars House, which I enjoyed a completely normal amount and have proceeded to be entirely normal about. Don't look at my AO3.

Thank you for the ask!!

[cthonic-bunny]

hii!! could u pls tell us about having someone’s mars sun and venus in our 12H pls (synastry)!?! 😵‍💫

Do not interact if you are a minor. (18+)

Oh, wow! You probably have no idea just why you want them so much. In more unfortunate situations, the planet person can give you nothing tangible and maybe even be breadcrumbing you, but you just can’t get enough. It’s like, they can give u nothing and you’ll still pick them over other people who are trying to give you the world. You want to figure them out and enter their world, especially because there is something “inaccessible” or “mysterious” about them. You want to know how they think. This is especially true from the house person’s perspective. With 12H synastry, I always learn soooo much about myself and my unconscious desires and tendencies (whether as the planet person or as the house). I noticed that Mars and Venus in the 12H of a synastry or composite chart can indicate this relationship might start off as an affair or 3rd party situation.

Of the placements mentioned here, my least favorite to experience was definitely Mars in the 12th. I had read once that this placement can create blockages in being able to have s*x with one another, and that’s exactly what I experienced. It’s like you get so close but just can’t for some reason. Could lead to performance issues at the start of a s*xual relationship, in some cases. I noticed it’s super easy to feel vulnerable with the mars person as the 12th houser, but it’s not consistently reciprocated from the mars. Mars can notice everything about the 12H person, and can try to force them to talk about it or they have to point it out to them. In an unhealthy dynamic, the mars can get gratification at how weak the 12H becomes for them. In the positive, it’s crazy how the mars person can teach you what you like s*xually. They can learn your body extremely fast. It’s like your body and mars are having a conversation that you are left out of but get to enjoy the rewards of it. I never got to have s*x with mars, but the way he would touch my body and explore me made me literally c*m from kissing. It was the craziest thing I ever experienced and was super shocked LMFAOOO (TMI, sorry). I’ve never experienced that again in my life. Mars can have different ideas about spirituality than the 12H, and will be down to debate why they have certain beliefs. It can be super easy for mars to hurt 12H’s feelings. I don’t know why this placement can make the 12H person more submissive than they are with other romantic partners, but it does. The mars can sometimes fight to be in your life, but once they are there it seems like they can panic and leave after they’ve brought destruction you have to live with. Sometimes I felt like I “irked” the mars person on a subconscious level even though I was always nice and sweet with him. He would be super nice with me and then one moment make a snarky comment or just switch up completely without warning. I sometimes felt like he wanted to like me, but a part of him somewhat disliked for reasons unknown to him.

Sun in the 12th house synastry has potential to be nice. I feel like this is a placement where you guys can recognize something inexplicable in one another. “Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” I think this leaves nothing off the table, and all topics are fair game. You can find a lot of unconditional acceptance with one another, even with the parts you might hide from others. The 12H person might feel instinctually comfortable expressing their quirks or behaving the same way they are when there’s not a soul in sight when with the sun person. “Let’s be alone together.” The sun brings light and warmth to the dark nebulas the 12H person swims in. The sun person can probably help the 12H person come out of their shell and show themselves to the world. The Sun person might want to lift the 12H person up. The 12H person might also see through the persona the sun person can let off. The sun person could confidently feel like they have the house person figured out, but the 12H person’s foggy neptunian energy can always catch the sun by surprise and they realize they didn’t dig as deeply as they thought. The 12h person can teach the sun person to be more introspective and can teach them how to appreciate time to themselves. The sun person might change the depth of their thinking or topics they engage with after their interaction with the 12H person. In a negative interaction, the house person can see every move the sun person is gonna make and knows how react in the way that will bruise the sun’s ego. The sun underestimates the 12H person a lot. When they experience conflict, the sun person will try to embarrass the 12H person and can try to paint them as weird, and the 12H person will swallow up the sun into their dark oblivion and drain their light as retribution. Also in the negative, the sun person can compare themselves to the house person and can at times feel like they are having an identity crisis and resent the 12H person for it when the house person was just doing their thing and being authentic. I noticed that the 12H person represents a lot of things the sun person wishes they could exude and it can make the sun feel dimmed and their egos to be challenged. The house person can also represent qualities the sun person hasn’t really seen in person before, and they can envy the individuality of the 12H person. The sun person can dislike how philosophical the 12H person makes everything. If engaged in conflict, the 12H person can dream of the sun in ways that show the sun’s intentions or moves. The 12H person’s connection to the dead or the spiritual realm might be intimidating to the sun person, even if they believe in the same things. They might resent that the 12H person seems to be more spiritual gifted than them. the sun person might have more paranormal experiences when around the 12h person. The 12H’s spirits might become “visible” or "active."

For Venus in the 12th house synastry, that eye contact must be crazyyyyyyy. The dreams you have of one another can feel euphoric. You guys can idealize each other and can dismiss one another’s red flags. In private is when this relationship thrivessssssss. Like absolute heart eyes. Late night hang outs. Wanting them irrationally. Your thoughts are now entirely consumed by one another, but you still might not display that to one another until you guys are back together in person. I feel like whispering amongst each other is a big thing. “Let’s make a fairytale.” Wishing you can find books or movies that have a similar set up as you two so you can relive certain moments. “You’ll see me in hindsight tangled up with you all night burning it down, someday when you leave me I bet these memories follow you around” from wildest dreams by Taylor Swift puts it perfectly. Good luck forgetting one another even if the relationship never comes off the ground. “Say you’ll see me again even if it’s just pretend.” You long for one another. You feel like this is a love sent from the heavens. This person exemplifies your dream girl or boy, that you didn’t think existed and now you NEED to have them. This feels like your chance and living out ur favorite fan fiction or romance novel. The ups, the downs, the depth, the confusion, the consuming rush of love. The daydreams, the sweetness, the intimacy. “Your love is my drug” vibes for real, (Kesha is a Pisces after all). However, this can also be a relationship that needs to be kept secret for some reason. This can be because one or both of you might have another relationship someone feels trapped to. Not sure what security you’d have with one another if you fully got together. “What if it was all for nothing?” Maybe a fear of being outcasted from society or judged terribly for getting together can be an issue present in your relationship. Fear of expressing or confessing romantic feelings out of fear or rejection can make this relationship become an extremely confusing one or be an incredibly drawn out slow burn. Check out my post on 12H Venus in the composite for more of an idea on what energies can be present with this placement. Intimate eye contact feels like: “let me dive into your pupils and take a swim inside of ur soul.” Bonnie and Clyde vibes, “if we go down, we go down together and meet in the next life. The 12H also rules over prison, so hopefully this doesn’t apply to you two— but it emphasizes the partners-in-crime dynamic.

[siderealmaven]

Hi, Hello, Happy New Moon Solar Eclipse in Pisces!! 🐠🐠✨

This eclipse is a bit of a doozy y’all, and I don’t say that to freak anybody out because I don’t think anyone should be freaking out about eclipses, but because it coincides with Mercury Rx reentering Pisces on 4/9 followed by a Mars-Saturn conjunction in Aquarius on the 10th, and Sun conj Mercury Rx on the 11th. When we have a lot of significant transits like these all bunched up together, the energy can be tense and people can easily be overwhelmed.

So before I get into the message of these beautiful cards from the Intuitive Night Goddess Tarot, I just want to remind everyone to slow down, to breathe, and stay away from those conspiracy theory videos that insist your whole life is going to change overnight or that the world will somehow fall into a zombie apocalypse if you blink too long. Make room for whatever you’re feeling and try to remember that this can be a busy, chaotic time for everyone.

The 4 of Wands speaks to this Mercury Rx and the need to slow down and reconsider our boundaries. This is something that is very difficult for a sign like Pisces, who struggles to disentangle themselves from the emotional narrative of the peoples around them but even more so for Aries, which simply can’t be bothered to slow down when it’s mind has been made up.

It’s likely that you have projects, goals, and such that you feel like are on the verge of being “Done,” but will find over the next week that there is more tweaking and perfecting necessary to move forward because you haven’t yet considered all of the angles.

While this can be frustrating, the 4 of Wands also speaks to celebration, graduations, reunions, ceremonies and group gatherings. It’s about hitting a milestone and taking a break to acknowledge how far you have come in your endeavors. It’s about protecting your peace.

Consider how much your perspective and attitudes towards your Pisces and Virgo house topics have changed since March 7th, 2024. How has your intuition allowed you to observe things that you didn’t notice before? What dots are you connecting and what larger picture do they tell you about yourself in this moment in time? Have you found yourself more capable than you originally thought?

The Temperance card advises us to find a balance between our desire to press forward and the need to pause and reflect. Really, this is talking about the types of boundaries we set with ourselves when we are working on something big. Are you the type of person who brews that 3rd or 4th cup of coffee and works late into the night, or someone who keeps saying “yes, I can do that!” When your body is telling you no?

Perhaps you are like me (neurodivergent af) and find yourself hyper focusing on your work and completely forget you are a person that has needs until you look up and see that hours seem to have passed in minutes. If you are like me, you might also be a perfectionist that feels like they can’t walk away until they get things “just right.” (Which honestly, could be never.)

Well if you are, then you also have to learn that creation is exhausting and therefore not having firm, explicit boundaries about how you will treat your body is necessary for any kind of sustainable work schedule. What works for me is setting timers to remind myself to switch tasks. To record my progress everyday so I have a physical reminder that yes, I did work, and it mattered and it adds up over time, I didn’t just imagine it! It’s intentionally scheduling days off because I work for myself and this often leads me to working nonstop.

The Temperance card is a reminder that there are times of work and times of play, times of progress and times of rest. We need both of these times in order sustain our bodies and minds in healthy ways in the long term. This Eclipse Szn, it is time to pause and celebrate how far you’ve come, instead of having that extra energy drink and hammering out the details. Focus less on how far you have left to go and just be proud of yourself for getting to this point.

It’s time to make your boundaries with yourself explicit, so that you can express them to others and they can respect your boundaries too. And I know, this is so much easier said than done, which is why you definitely deserve to have a cookie and hang out with your friends after. Pay attention to who respects your “No,” who accepts your “Maybe next time,” and who reminds you “As long as you’re taken care of, I’m happy.”

As we move into this Mars-Saturn conjunction you may find yourself ready to let go of things, perceptions, ideas, attitudes, old clothes, or even jobs and relationships you’ve outgrown. This is it’s own sort of milestone, even if it feels small or insignificant now, you will look back on this moment as a key time when due to this shedding, you started to see yourself just a little more clearly. (And you look beautiful!)

So take some time off, clean out your closet, call up your friends and get outside. There are a lot of big, bad scary things in this world we can’t control, but something you can always do is plant some joy in your moments and celebrate them like the gift they are.

Originally posted on @siderealmaven ‘s Patreon.

Thank you for reading! ♡

[mercurytrinemoon]

On houses, house rulerships & how ya'll should stop associating them with signs + a rant on the meaning of the 8th house

This is one of those moments where I'm going to say (read: rant, so heads up, I may sound pretentious) that modern times keep distorting astrology. I’m talking about associating houses with signs/planets (aka the “12 letter alphabet”, briefly mentioned by William Lilly in the 17th century but ultimately it became a product of modern astrologers: first attempted by Alan Leo and decades later popularized and named by Zip Dobyns). Can we just... use a neuralyzer and make people forget that method? It's ingrained in people's minds because, seemingly, it's easier to learn that way - search astro basics in google and you'll see things like "9th house=Sagittarius=Jupiter". This compressed version of astrology seems more accessible and easily digestible for a casual reader and not many newbies try to even question that approach. But there's a reason reputable astrologers these days are trying to erase it from everyone's minds. Signs are traits, planets are vessels, houses are areas of life. Houses are a completely different thing + every person has their own chart with their own house rulers. You can't say Mars is the “natural” ruler of the 1st... well unless, of course, you're an Aries rising, then yeah, your 1st is ruled by Mars, 2nd by Venus and so on.

Sure, some houses share accidental similarities with planets that have been assigned to them by modern *cough*lazy*cought* approach. Example, the 3rd rules communication... oh and so does Mercury. But then again, Mercury has nothing to do with health, injuries, work - all things 6th house. 7th is relationships and 2nd is money & values... and it so happens that Venus shows our attitude towards these things. I would sometimes find myself loosely refer houses to planets, like “oh the 3rd mercurial house” just because SOME of them do fit with the characteristics... and because it's a language that is well-understood (I won't do that anymore). BUT even when I started learning astrology, I had a red light go on in my head when people would straight up go "Moon in Virgo or Moon in the 6th". It never made sense to me. These are completely different things. And I've seen some awesome astrologers who would state things like "oh Aquarius Sun is basically the same as Sun in the 11th", like nah, dude. Because why? Aquarius is the friendly type and the 11th rules friends? Because Aquarius is the big innovator and 11th stands for hopes and dreams? But Aquarius is also a rebel who's stiff in their beliefs. Aquarius is a weirdo, is the 11th house the house of weirdos? No. Aquarius likes to be independent and usually has issues with feeling of not belonging anywhere, while 11th rules communities. THAT'S CONTRADICTORY. Because they're not the same.

Want more examples? Having Venus in Aries is completely different than Venus in the 1st. What do people usually say about Venus in the 1st? That it makes the native charming, lovely, well-put together, with great manners, maybe beautiful, graceful, maybe a bit shallow. When in Aries? None of these characteristics fit, on top of that, it's in its detriment. Our poor gal Venus is uncomfortable and confused in Aries. She's like, "conquer? Swords? Selfishness? Obnoxiousness? Sparring? You're telling me to fight people? What am I doing here???" 

I think it most shows in the 8th house, which... *deep breath* has gone through so much (ironically since it rules transformation), like, there's a lot to unpack here. "tHe sCorPioNic HoUse": tell me in what way does Scorpio have to do with inheritance, death, taxes, other people's stuff? These are the og topics associated with the 8th house. And by the way, it doesn't have to be a material inheritance, because I saw people being confused by that. You can have your 10th house ruler in the 8th so maybe you'll inherit that job as a chairman in your father's corporation, along with its renowned name. Or your 6th house ruler is in the 8th so you'll inherit a genetic health condition from your parent. 

Now, modern astrology, as per usual, tried to turn it into something positive (and psychological because apparently according to modern notion, astrology can’t predict anything so it’s only psychological *eye roll*) and put its rose-colored glasses on it so they'll say things like: transformation or taboo topics - like okay, makes sense, it's an intense house after all. Like a near-death experience or a metaphorical death will be transformative and maybe hard to talk about. And Scorpios do have the tendency to go through drastic situations in their lives and to dig deep & not being afraid to uncover secrets and all that's unknown and scary for others. There you have it, some convergence. But still, Scorpio and the 8th house are two different things.

Then there's the topic of the 8th house and sex. Actually, side note, a quick history bit, the 2nd century astrologer, Vettius Valens saw sex in the 7th house - because that was the thing that happened after marriage - it represented two people coming together. In medieval times it then moved to 5th house of kids - because children-making requires intercourse, duh. Listen, I get that the 8th, as the follow-up to the 7th, is seen as joined resources; and joined everything, including bodies... or bodily fluids... (tmi?) after you get married or whatever. I don't think that makes sense in the modern times. I mean, go ahead if you want to associate the 8th with sex but after some time of studying astrology, I see it almost exclusively in the 5th as it's the house of pleasures. Simply. Besides, technically you can get yourself off and don’t need anyone else to assist you. My issue, again, comes from the root of the association with the 8th. Modern astrologers started linking 8th with Pluto and Scorpio in medical astrology rules reproductive system and so Scorpio is seen as the fReAky sEx dEMon blAh blaH (honestly, try asking Scorpios about their intimate life and they'll run for the hills abashed). So it turned out that 8th house is the "plutonian one" (I had a moment today wondering if it's plutonian or plutonic and idk anymore) so therefore it must rule sex. Well that logic doesn't make sense because everyone knows that the first and most important planet in the matters of sex is Mars but none of ya'll go and say "1st house is the house of sex because it's ruled by Aries". So no, houses are not the same as signs/planets.

12th house has a similar issue. This one has literally nothing to do with Pisces. Like, I feel bad for Pisces honestly, you guys don’t deserve being dumped into the 12th. It's a rather gloomy house and the most positive thing you could come up with it is being the house of imagination and intuition - because it rules the subconscious and partially your mind. And Pisces is usually characterized by those two. Or you could say that they're both kinda foggy in nature - 12th is the unattainable. But that is literally the closest you can get with them correlating. Other than that, 12th is hidden enemies, succlusion, illness (but mental or chronic, it's a bit different than 6th). There's nothing piscean about it really.

But I get it, open most of the astrology books and you'll see chapters called that way. Why? Because it's easier to publish something that's shorter aka simpler for the reader (actually that was one of Dobyns' reasoning behind spreading that approach). That’s why I said it’s lazy. And someone would argue that it’s easier to learn this way - because the information is compressed into 12 sections (signs) instead of 24 (signs+houses) or even more if you include delineations of every house ruled by each sign. Like, “well if I memorize the meaning of Cancer and Moon then automatically I’ll also memorize the 4th house”. But in fact, it’s so limiting in the long run and then forces you to unlearn what you have learnt, which is actually harder than taking the time and grasping the proper meaning right away. And again, with time it warps the meaning of everything.

Saying house=sign completely discredits the purpose of even having houses. And then on top of that it leads to people not understanding their own charts because they don't know the core meanings of the houses and instead look at them through the lens of signs. "I have planets in Gemini but I'm not that talkative and extroverted". Well okay, where are those planets? Are they in the 7th? Then maybe they're not talking about you but about people you come in contact with? Are they in the 4th? Well maybe it's your fam that has those qualities? The 11th? Are your friends like that? Houses are areas of your life, you can't say "Moon in the 3rd or Moon in Gemini" - Moon is "how", house is "where" - these are not the same things, even if they have a few traits in common. 

Ok, rant over, bye.

[dwlrmoon]

Astrological Analysis: I.M "Duality"

An astrological analysis of I.M's solo album "Duality" & how his astrological placements manifest through the songs. Changkyun said that he poured his entire soul into this album, so I thought it'll be really cool to dissect the songs in the astrological lens because I'm in love with his artistry.

REMINDER

Observed & analyzed through western tropical astrology; we are missing information due to lack of confirmed birth time, so I can only deliver using the traditional 7 planets (mainly the personal chart) without a house system.

DUALITY

Having the album entitled "Duality" with songs expressing this topic (esp. the title track) reminds me of his Aquarius placements, mainly the Sun. I.M has his Sun in detriment, meaning that his Sun is "weak" or uncomfortable in that sign. As the sister sign of Leo, Aquarius symbolizes celebrities, fame, the star in tarot, as well as hopes & dreams. Aquarius can represent notoriety & infamy while simultaneously having the stereotype of the loner or outsider, not wanting to be perceived or "understood."

Using traditional rulership, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. If Capricorn rules authorities & conformities, Aquarius is the rebellious younger sibling refusing to conform & rather revolt, deviating from the norm. I.M placed his artistry in precedence; convincing SSE to use God Damn as the title track despite the profanity requiring him to release this album digitally in addition to him creating the tracks in his own style that may or may not be in line with k-pop or Monsta X.

GOD DAMN

In true I.M fashion the song & MV are very concupiscent, & since I already talked about the duality that is expressed through this song, let's talk about the MV specifically. Pisces rules escapism & addiction & his Pisces Venus was very on brand to go with alcohol as the imagery of getting high to hide from his frustrations. This piece is highly self-reflective & he encourages listeners to read between the lines, it's quite Saturnian in nature. I also love how the lyrics have that duality of hating & loving whoever/whatever that is ruining/comforting him—I really associate this with his Martian Moon (him assigning Misbehave as the song that represents him is so... Aries Moon).

HOWLIN'

No more taming 'bout my color I swing 'till I get, what’s the problem? Problem I ain't follow simply what I see I go follow what I need 'Cause I see that I'm loyal Imma go on my speed, even I'm slow

The 1st verse reminds me a lot of his Saturnian + Martian energy—no more wanting to be someone he's not, doing his own thing without care of what others may think. However, the last 2 lines really highlight the fixed modality of his Aquarius: I love that he says he's loyal even if he goes on his speed which can be slow; he doesn't care as long as he gets there.

I don't celebrate 'till I make it till the end Ain't time for the 'hol up' You want me be a shade but I'm made for a big wave Ain't time for the 'hol up'

This song has a lot of Saturnian themes esp. the chorus. It reminds us that Saturn rules time—he doesn't succumb to the challenges & distractions or "hold ups," rather focusing on his goal & only celebrating once he reaches the mountaintop. Saturn is karmic, it takes its sweet time to give you your rewards that you must work laboriously for. He knows he's made for something bigger (Aquarius), & with his perseverance (fixed), determination & passion (Aquarius Mars + Aries Moon), he will be rewarded despite all the struggles (Saturn).

Don't call me, I'm drivin' I just wanna keep on ballin’ Even though when you are hatin’ Woah Grab me when I'm fallin’ 'Cause I make myself so lonely You know that I'm howlin'

However, Saturn can be extremely isolating & Aquarius is akin to the underdog. Of course we don't know where his placements are, but his Pisces Venus contributes to that isolation. He feels lonely & he knows that, but he inevitable makes himself lonely which Aquarius natives can do when they develop that mentality of me v.s. the world sometimes. Keep in mind that Aquarius rules community yet the outsider, showcasing that wanting to be alone while wanting someone to be there for him. Saturn is burden & he's a lone wolf used to being alone carrying all that burden himself.

BURN

The night has become cold and now it's a meaningless fight I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Endless shot, let me head to the top I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Burn the accumulated emotions, burn Burn everything without leaving anything, burn

An Aries Moon anthem? I find that Aries placements love having fire/burning imagery if not in their songs then in their MVs. Aries is Martian, cardinal & fire by nature, which means that Aries Moons may get irritated fairly quickly—a quick temper? But they get over it super quickly, kind of like blowing off steam & then letting it go right after. The Moon rules our emotions, & I think the lyrics speak for itself here. The allusion to the fight is very Martian as well.

I'm mixed and complex, yeah I don't know myself well, eh Yesterday I couldn't empty it out, yeah I'd rather burn it, yeah The tears that fell are oil Make the flame burn higher Pour it out, no more regrets Burn it all up and high, yeah

I really enjoy I.M's introspective & intrapersonal nature; he always says he doesn't know himself well & accepts that rather than fighting it. He accepts all facets of himself, & that's very refreshing. The 2nd verse made me chuckle a little bit because the first 2 lines look Aquarius while the rest is Aries. Not to mention he has an Aquarius Mars conjunct Sun, so, more Martian energy there. Cardinal + Martian give me that attitude he portrays very well in this song—throw some more oil, let it burn more so that there'll be no regrets. Another Aries placement who wrote something like this? Yoongi.

HAPPY TO DIE

I could die right now, yeah I can never lie, yeah You bring me to sky Let me be yours till I die When you say goodbye, yeah Bury me on your heart, yeah Don't you say that word Could you keep it till I die? You brought me back to the real love I wanna get lost here forever

There is so much to unpack in this little song... The chorus is a mixture of Saturnian commitment & Aries headstrong, passionate reckless energy motivated by his romanticist Pisces Venus. The title itself, the whole concept of this song, is fundamentally Pisces (his DSC would be really cool to talk about here, if we had the birth time, but we don't, so).

We're childish like we were when we used to play back then I let go of rationality as if I'm drawn by the wind I don't know what this feeling is Even if I try to pretend I don't know, everything seems to be obvious, yeah I don't know, I like it the way it is I don't know me well, I don't know I guess it's not a lie that I really like you I'm happy to die right now

Verse 1 truly has my heart in a grip. He has a rational & intellectually-minded Saturnian Mercury & Sun, yet once he's in love he gets enamoured & childish, rendered completely irrational. It's giving me Aries meets Pisces—of the moment, idealistic, just overwhelming emotions taking control of his Saturnian mind, which I find funny because he has Moon square Mercury.

Things of mine might go away and shape Will just change, but don't you change When I'm low, could you make me not alone? I could die right now if we were just this crazy about each other

Pisces is sentimental & can represent past lives, that feeling of being stuck in the past? Pisces Venus is visionary & idealistic, they're more in love with the idea of love than love itself sometimes. Here we see that theme of isolation again, his Aquarius could play a role here, but his Pisces placements are also desperate to be loved. The last line, like said before, is utterly Pisces because Romeo & Juliet is known to be a Pisces type of relationship, plus with that Aries Moon... it just makes sense since Aries Moons love the rush & passion.

시든 꽃 FLOWER-ED

Somehow I have no strength to resist I stay right where I am It's not like I'm longing for someone But I'm standing there

Personally loving how his songs gradually grow more & more Piscean? The overwhelming emotion of yearning with no one to long for is so Pisces/Jupiterian Venus in general. Like I said, they're idealistic & in love with the idea of love more than anything—not the happy kind of love either. I notice that Jupiterian Venuses play with the theme of wanting a lot, mainly because they are ruled by the planet of expansion. Distance is a huge theme in Jupiterian signs, & they idealize that.

When you step on me like it's nothing I desperately want you to come back and hug mе I deeply remember your smilе that laughed at me While I was being illuminated by you

Because Pisces placements love the idea of love & the feeling of longing for someone they can get into the habit of sacrificing themselves, hence their association with the hanged man in tarot. They are too focused on the fantasy of love to take off their rose tinted glasses.

I don't really blame you I know your days by my side Have faded away Please don't disappear, oh

The hand that held me, the eyes that captured me are all blind The scattered hands, the shining eyes are gone

I don't know what else to say here, like, I think you guys understand how these verses really depicts his Pisces Venus very well... With a Venus conjunct Saturn it can really emphasize isolation & rejection as well—this aspect feels like they are deprived of love, so they crave it desperately even if it hurts them which is a theme of Pisces. Him titling this track "withered flower" in Korean is so Pisces Venus of him overall.

[trashy-slashy]

yooo do you write for soulmate AUs? because like... the sinclair brothers finding their soulmates and that's what spares them from getting killed tho

I have such a soft spot for Soulmate AU’s and for these boys! I’m so excited for this prompt ee

Bo

Bo heard stories as a child about soulmates. That touching the person who you were meant for would burn, a searing pain that would mark you both, sealing your fates together. He talked about it with Vincent, mulling over what sort of soulmate they would like. “You don’t get to pick” Vincent would grumble, earning himself a pout from his twin. “I know, I’m just wonderin’”. But then came dinner. Bo hid. He knew what his father would do. “There you are you lil’ fucker” He snarled, slamming open the closet door. Bo screamed, thrashing against his grip. “Stop it boy! It will only get worse!” The chair. The restraints. Tears flowed down Bo’s face, his mother tutting at his behaviour. “You are never gonna find a soulmate Bo, you’re a monster.”

Bo never thought about it after that. Never even the possibility. He was a monster. At least he had Vincent. Every hitchhiker he picked off the road made Ambrose a little less lonely, for a little while. Bo forgot how to feel human for a long time. He forgot how to feel anything. He supported and loved his brother, the way Mama used to, but his heart wasn’t in it. He chased and maimed his victims, hoping to feel something. Nothing worked.

When you showed up in Ambrose, Bo sighed. “Here we go again.” He threw his cigarette to the floor, crushing the flame with his heel. “Hey darlin’, you lost?” You smiled nervously at him. Bo smirked, running his fingers through his hair. This one would be too easy.

Bo toyed with you, letting you wear yourself out, darting all over Ambrose in an attempt to find help. He could have killed you hours ago, but chasing you was more interesting than doing nothing. “I’m not gonna hurt ya sweetheart” You had your back pressed against one of the buildings, wishing the wall would swallow you up. The sky had turned dark an hour or so ago, giving you some cover between the houses. You glanced around frantically, desperating trying to hear what direction your attacker was coming from.

Bo spotted you a while ago, but wandered past anyway, letting you think you were safe. It was always so much sweeter when they still had a fragment of hope. He heard you scuttle around the back of the house, sneaking around to cut you off. “Found you-“ Bo sprang at you, his fingers wrapping around your throat. As soon as he touched you he yelped, retracting to cradle his singed hand. “What the fuck did you do!?” He snarled, vein pulsing in his head. You froze entirely, a deer in the headlights. “I... you...” You began, the burning sensation dulling from where his hand had been. Bo grew angrier at your useless mutterings, producing a blade from his pocket to press it against your throat.

“You little...” The weapon clattered to the floor when the realisation hit him. It had been so long since he even thought about soulmates, he forgot they existed. His handprint marred your neck, claiming you as his own. “No, this ain’t right.” He shook his head in denial, backing out of the alley. “FUCK!” His fist collided with brick, busting open his knuckles. This was a cruel trick, probably Lester thinking it was hilarious to try and make him completely lose it. Yeah, that must be it. He had no soulmate. Just him and Vinnie. Bo turned back towards you, each breath racking his shoulders.

“I don’t think this was ideal for me either.” You laughed nervously, keeping stock of the situation. Bo was deathly still. Feeling a little braver, you shuffled towards him. “You’re fake.” He barked defensively. Your heart went out to your soulmate, watching the torment flash across his eyes, every muscle in his body pulled tight, ready to run. You were close enough to feel his breath on your face. Something ethereal tugged at your hands, the appendages moving of their own volition. “Am I?” Without thinking, your fingers wound around his wrists, biting your lip as fire scorched your palms. You expected him to lash out, not let you burn your marks into his skin. The flesh felt mottled under your touch, reforming and melding around your palms. Bo let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, suddenly exhausted from his outburst, every bolted down emotion bubbling out of control. You smiled as his chin rested on your head. “Bo.” He muttered into your hair. Bo was terrified, but damn it if he didn’t want to stay like this a little longer.

Vincent

Soulmates were just something that happened. Not to Vincent, but to normal people. He never brought it up, knowing that Bo had bad memories surrounding the concept. He’d had to kick Lester a few times for not shutting up about the pretty girls on the highway. Vincent always hoped he had some chance, but between his deformities and lifestyle it wasn’t really possible. Instead he threw himself into his art, doodling ideas of what his soulmate would look like, staring into the eyes of his sculptures. ‘It could have been you’.

There hadn’t been any reports of people touching their soulmates after they died. It wasn’t really a common occurence after all. Everytime Bo threw him a fresh body, Vincent was always hesitant to touch them. His brother had forgotten, but he hadn’t. As he grew lonelier, Vincent found himself spilling hot wax on himself, relishing the sting, wishing he could feel it on someone else’s skin.

“Vinnie, I got two, give me a hand would ya’?” Bo poked his head around the corner, disturbing Vincent’s concentration. He jerked his head in response. Vincent knew the drill. Bo would go, act charming, lure their prey into the house... so they could recreate Mama’s vision. Waiting patiently, Vincent patrolled his underground cavern, listening for his cue to strike.

You tumbled down the trapdoor, howling when you landed on your leg unnaturally, the sound of bones snapping reverberated off the walls “Please, stop!” Vincent had chased you through the house, dropping down after you. He sighed at the state of your leg; an extra job before he could turn you into a beautiful model. You sobbed pitifully, clutching at your thigh. Vincent lifted you up effortlessly, throwing you over his shoulder. You thrashed pointlessly, whimpering as each step sent a jolt of pain down your leg. “Please...” Your back connected with what seemed like a medical bench as the masked man manhandled you as he pleased. You gulped. There was no escape with your injury. Shears glided towards your throat, your shirt falling to ribbons below you. Vincent retrieved a large syringe, splaying his hand on your stomach to steady you.

His skin was on fire. Surely his imagination? Vincent recoiled, eye blowing wide as he saw the perfect indentation of his hand on your belly. It couldn’t be... You gasped at the sensation, propping yourself up to check the mark. “We’re... soulmates?” Vincent stepped back from you, trembling. He didn’t expect it to ever happen. And now that it was... he panicked. You wouldn’t love him, you’d just been fleeing in terror, you’d broken your fucking leg trying to get away from him. Bo wouldn’t let you stay, he didn’t believe in soulmates after all. Maybe he could fix this, salvage it. He had to try.

Vincent dropped the serum on the side, dropping to his knees beside you. If he ever had a reason to be alive, you were it. But what about his face? You would surely be horrified. “I’m sorry” He wheezed, looking down at the floor. Death would surely be preferable to a lifetime with him. “Can I see?” You gestured to his mask, curious to see your soulmates real face. Something pulled you to this place, and yes, being shit scared and breaking your leg wasn’t ideal but damned if you didn’t trust in the soulmate system. There was a reason you two were connected and despite everything, you weren’t going to throw that away.

Vincent hated taking off his mask. Even around Bo. He saw the side glances, the looks of disgust. His twin loved him, but that didn’t make him any less of a freak. But the way you looked at him, your eyes so warm and kind. He sighed, avoiding your gaze as he freed himself from the wax barricade.

He waited for you to scream, to gasp, something that proved how repulsive he was. What he didn’t expect was your palms cupping his cheeks ever so gently, the invisible flames licking at scarred flesh. You whimpered at the burning in your hands, blood running down your chin as your teeth sunk into your lip. Vincent pressed his head against yours, fingers weaving into your hair to lock you against him. You were real. You were his. And he’d never been happier.

Lester

The most optimisitic of all the Sinclair’s, Lester had a bad habit of trying to touch literally everyone. Everything he knew was from magazine’s he’d ransackes from the twins’ victims, considering that Bo wasn’t a believer and Vinnie wasn’t much for conversation.

When he found you trawling the highway, Lester jovially offered you a lift to Ambrose. “Ma brother’s got a phone you can use I bet” He beamed, chatting away as he took you down the beaten path. “What brings you out here then Missy?” You sighed. It wasn’t a particularly pleasant topic and you didn’t really want to bother him with your worries.

“Almost there, d’ya mind givin’ me a hand?” You bent over the hub of the truck, unaware of Lester oogling at your ass. He smirked to himself, trying to subtly brush against you and failing, horribly. “Hey, asshole!” Your hand connected with his face, the crack reverberating through the trees. Your hand turned to fire in your hands, clutching at it pointlessly to try and stifle the pain.

“I was only tryna-“ Lester turned into a puppy when he saw your hand burning, the initial sting of the slap turning into the warm sensation of a soulmate’s mark. “You’re my soulmate!” He jumped on the spot, pulling you into a bone-crushing hug. “I knew it, I knew I had one!” You groaned underneath him. This was going to be exhausting. “Ma name’s Lester, you gotta come meet ma brother’s Bo and Vinnie-“ He trailed off when he saw you leaning against the car, your arms crossed. “Oh I’m sorry darlin’ I get a bit excited”

“I can see that.” You giggled, running your eyes up and down him. “Why’d I have to get some nasty pervert though?” Lester pouted like a child until he realised you were being sarcastic. “Oh real funny, I was gonna give you the world but I guess I’ll keep it to myself now” Despite the gruff demanour and constant waft of roadkill, you could tell he was an absolute sweetheart. You extended your hand towards him, waggling your fingers. He entwined his hand with yours grunting at the foreign sensation. You pressed a kiss to Lester’s cheek, squeezing his hand. “Now that’s simply not true, is it?”

[readingsbylibramc]

synastry chart reading for @sandrinepalma

hello! welcome to your reading. I'm going to give you a quick overview of what I'm going to analyze about your synastry chart: in-depth analysis of house overlays with major aspects, potential of the relationship, soulmates indicators, possible marriage indicators, possible issues and struggles of the relationship, intimacy and physical attraction, what they feel when they see / think about you, in-depth analysis of fate, love and marriage asteroids. of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask! my dms are always open. now let's get into the reading!

PARTNER A: she/her | capricorn sun, libra moon, libra rising

PARTNER B: he/him | gemini sun, sagittarius moon, capricorn rising

PARTNER A

🌞 partner a's capricorn sun in his 1st house

your partner probably thought that you were very attractive when he first saw you. you may meet his ideals of beauty, he sees you as his type of girlfriend. he likes the way you move, the way you speak and present yourself, or even just the way you look physically, he may like your face and body. he may even be more straight-forward and approach you first, he may often spoil you with compliments and you don’t step back from them. you appreciate the way he looks, or even stare at you. actually, you may even crave his attention. your partner, aside from admiring you deeply, may even take you as a role model, he may desire to be like you, especially in your way of approaching the world. same thing goes for you: you also appreciate the way your partner lives his life, his achievements, his goals, his ideals, and so on. luckily, there aren’t other negative placements that interfer with this mostly-positive aspect. in fact, this aspect could possibly bring a feeling of competition between you two, as instead of admiring and appreciating the other, you may start hating yourselves because you think the other is better.

🌙 partner a's libra moon in his 9th house

you see your partner as someone mature, wise, brilliant... basically a role model. they have a lot of influence on you, they’re a sort of inspiration. you may share the same ideas and views of the world, maybe politcally or even about music genre for example. overall, this placement indicates that you perceive your partner as someone powerful and distant from you, someone elevated and far away from you that you can't seem to reach. perhaps, it could also be that you two are physicaly separated, he may live abroad or still somewhere far from where you live, making it hard for you to meet each other. you admire him deeply, and thr flip side to this is that your partner may become too dependant of your compliments, of your opinion of him, and hence a break-up would be fatal for his self-esteem. the 9th house represents sagittarius, which is all about exploring and knowledge, you know? therefore, you may want to get to know this person in-depth, you’re curious about their habits, their talents, their secrets... you want an authentic, reliable vision of him. you never get tired of talking or even just thinking about this person, learning about his persona amuses you. last but not least, this person makes you crave a stable relationship with him; you may see as someone perfectly wise and mature for a long-lasting relationship, you see him as the ‘end of the race’, someone perfect to commit to.

partner a's libra moon square partner b's cancer mercury: this placement is quite challenging to deal with. it could be that you don't really see eye to eye with your partner on certain matters, he could be a bit too critical or judgmental in your opinion, and hence you may end up feeling a bit sensitive when you're around him. you certainly want to meet his standards, you truly care about what he thinks of you, and hence you could get hurt easily when he disagrees with you. as a result, your partner could possibly see you as over-sensitive, a bit too dramatic as he sees it as if you tend to overreact a little bit. because of that, there could be struggles between you two when it comes to communication. you may overthink each other's words a lot and possibly argue about it, it could be quite stressful actually as you could possibly feel misunderstood by the other. in particular, you may take any sort of criticism or of disagreement as something personal, and hence it can seriously harm your mood. my opinion on this is that you need to understand that your other half doesn't have to be your exact copy. tale advantage of this aspect, combined with your 9th house overlays, to learn something new and broaden your mind instead of fighting.

🗣 partner a's capricorn mercury in his 1st house

with this placement, you probably also fell for your partner for the way he talks, he exposes his thoughts, his choice of words. you may even be literally into his voice, you like the way it sounds, you thought it was attractive when you first heard it. you may even see your partner as someone smart and intellectual who has a way with words, someone that  can achieve whatever he wants thanks to his witty intellect. you may also enjoy his sense of humor, you probably don’t force your laugh when you’re around him because you find him genuinely entertaining. as for your partner, he may also be into the way you think and talk, he could be fascinated by your ideas and creativity. in addition, mercury is all about curiosity, and hence he may be curious to get to know you. when you first met him, he felt this sudden urge to get to know you, he could’ve been the first one to randomly approach you, and he started making random questions just to hav ìe a conversation with you. even more simple things like “What is your favourite food?” looks fine to him, as long as he learns something new about you, he cares about this kind of stuff. this placement can surely make good friendships, as you two are able to have an amusing conversation, even though it may be more casual rather than deep. you probablty wouldn’t talk about the meaning of life with him, to make it simple, but rather about your hobbies, your passions.

partner a's capricorn mercury opposite partner b's leo venus: this is another tricky placement that also involves communication. just like you feel as if your partner doesn't really understand your emotions deeply, your partner may also feel as if you don't understand his feelings. I feel like this is the type of placement that made you think that he didn't like you at first, or maybe viceversa. perhaps, since your partner is the venus person, he may be more straightforward with his feelings, while you may appear a bit more reserved or logical. it also indicates, on a positive note, that you two enjoy talking to each other, expressing your opinions. you probably talk a lot, you may even be the type of couple to talk about even stuff that others find boring like homework, work, etc... yet, be careful because you may have the tendency to cut each other off, and hence you may give the other the impression that you don't really care about what he's saying and viceversa. instead of switching immediately to another topic, you should try to show through words your feelings, or a few misunderstandings may arise.

❤️ partner a's capricorn venus in his 1st house

this placement indicates that you most likely find each other extremely attractive! you probably fit his beauty standards, you find him very charismatic and charming, it's hard for you not to stare at him. basically, he's your type. also, aside from being into his looks, you may also be fascinated from the way he presents himself in general: you may like his fashion sense, his manners, the way he approaches people, the way he speaks... bascially, everything about the outer him, it was likely love at first sight, or at least you instantly felt strong attraction to this individual when you first met him. also, this placement also indicates that you may inspire your partner in an artistic way, and viceversa. for example, let's suppose you like writing; you may feel inspired by your partner to write books about him, or perhaps poetry or song lyrics. you see your partner as someone aesthetically pleasant, basically as a piece of art. this feeling is mutual. overall, you both feel flattered and loved by the other, you may often compliment each other and that will be a complete self-esteem boost for both of you. feeling loved by your partner and viceversa inspires you to love yourself, and as a result you feel more beautiful.

partner a's capricorn venus conjunct partner b's capricorn mars: in astrology, this is considered to be the ultimate physical attraction aspect! in fact, you two probably find each other very attractive and magnetic. I don't think this connection started off as a friendship, and if it did then it was probably unbearable, as the attraction and chemistry between you two is just way too much to handle. you two most likely are a very touchy couple, not necessarily in a sexual way but you find it hard not to stare, touch each other; physical contact is key in this connection. this is another placement that makes me think that you are the dominant figure in your relationship, you could be the one to approach this person first for instance. in general, you tend to be the one who takes the initiative in any context. your partner appreciates your partner, and he may feel romantically attracted to you, you probably fit his ideals when it comes to looks, personality, etc. this placement probably makes this relationship so intense and magnetic that it will be hard to forget, even if you two don't end up together. this is certainly a soulmate / twinflame connection. I'm sure you're both going to learn a lot from this connection.

☄️ partner a's aquarius mars in his 2nd house

this is a very sensual placement in synastry! aside from finances, the 2nd house also deals with self-love. hence, you two feel very loved when you're with each other, you feel worthy, and so you also feel more confident in yourself. usually, this placement even bring dependency to the house person. that is, he may start being too attached to your opinion of him, and hence if you two broke up he's self-esteem would probably go very down. yet, since your mars is in aquarius I don't really think it's your case; you listen to each other's advices, but you don't obsess over each other's thoughts, you still manage to think individually, making this a very healthy connection. in addition. you may feel very attracted to your partner, there's lots of sexual attraction between you two for sure. you could both be very touchy, not necessarily in a sexual way but even during cuddles. you probably enjoy physical touch a lot, and you may even show it around. you two easily stimulate each other's emotions and sexual drive through physical connection. you could even be the type of couple that loves spending free time together, you could be into cooking or even just taking a nap is fine for you, as long as you're together. you're certainly very close, maybe even clingy at times.

PARTNER B

🌞 partner b's gemini sun in her 9th house

this placement indicates that you two may learn a lot from this relationship. you two may come from different cultural backgrounds, or if you don't you still have a fresh vibe to you that brings something new to the other, a fresh perception of things. you may share the same ideas regarding politics, economy, or even about things as simple as music taste or movies. you see eye to eye on almost everything, and if you don't, you're still able to understand the other's view. you two are able to broaden each other's horizons, this relationship could introduce you to a new way of seeing and reacting to things, it's very beneficial as it opens the mind of both of you. this sense of knowledge and constant learning makes both of you achieve more security, and as a result you may feel more confident when you interact and just spend time together in general. you could also travel a lot, or perhaps you may attend the same school. if this relationship lasts, then you'll most likely explore the world together, you're going to be very adventurous, even if you normally don't really step out of your comfort-zone, as your partner gives you strenght and vice versa. this placement alone isn't extremely romantic, but combined with the rest of your synastry it surely is a great addition. in fact, this relationship is very mature, but not the capricorn type of maturity which can be quite boring at times. it's a type of maturity that is born from making experiences together, and hence you'll probably make loads of pleasant memories with this person.

partner b's gemini sun trine partner a's aquarius mars: this one is such a pleasant aspect to have in a synastry chart! you two are very direct and straight-forward with each other, but not in a blunt way. you two feel extremely comfortable with each other, it comes easy for you two to understand each other's needs. neither of you feels insecure or blocked by the other, you fine yourselves quite similar and hence you're not afraid to show your taste, to express your will. you are also the type of couple to hype each other up, you boost each other's confidence and you also like to cheer each other on your goals, it's a very energetic and refreshing feeling that makes you both feel very satisfied. because of that, you two are also able to lift each other up whenever you feel sad, I feel like you could be the type of couple to play around to cheer up rather than relying on empathy and deep talks. your partner, the sun person, most likely loves your strategies, the way you think and act, and he probably also looks up to you, you get on very well. as for you, you're probably completely into him, he fits your ideal type for sure, even though it could be that you didn't realize it as soon as you met him.

🌙 partner b's sagittarius moon in her 3rd house

you probably feel very energetic when you're with your partner. even if you're introverted, he probably stimulates you to talk, to socialize. you never feel bored when you're around your partner, you always find your conversations together extremely interesting, and hence you keep wanting more and more everyday, you're never tired of him and viceversa. this placement is also extremely favourable for you two in this chart, as it helps you dealing better with your moon square mercury aspect. in fact, you two feel comfortable talking together, you could find each other to be your comfort spot. whenever something good, or even bad, happens to you, you immediately say it to your partner and viceversa, as you truly understand each other. you're also the type of couple to give each other advices, you like helping your partner and so does him. you could also be attracted to each other's voices, and hence you just like hearing each other talk in general. especially your partner, he probably admires your ideas and your intelligence, he sees you as someone extremely smart and witty. you understand and perceive this feeling of love, and as a result you love being around him. it's definitely a positive placement for communication and ease.

partner b's sagittarius moon conjunct partner a's sagittarius pluto: this placement is very intense, and it makes you two extremely immersed in this relationship. in a certain sense, it's like you two are obsessed with each other. you probably love each other so much that you'd never replace the other, as you didn't just fall for his personality, for his manners, for his looks, but for his soul. it's a life-changing relationship, and it's probably also a twinflame or soulmate connection, you definitely have a past life together if you believe in that type of stuff. there's a strong mutual understanding between you two, to the point that you may even feel exposed to your partner, but with your 4th house overlays you most likely are fine with that. you feel at ease when you're together, and so it's no problem for you to be so exposed to the other, there's a strong foundation of trust in this relationship.

🗣 partner b's cancer mercury in her 10th house

this placement, combined with your 4th house mars overlay, contributes to make this relationship even more stable. in fact, aside from family and children, you two are also very invested in your finances. you may often talk about your goals, about how to deal with your money and maybe even about your work. you possibly decide to open a business together, or perhaps you may start working in the same field or workplace. your partner is most likely very polite, and hence he also speak highly of you, you two have a very good reputation as a couple. he may even be able to give you career advices and help you feeling more secure and confident, not just in your skills but even in your looks and personality, there's a very healing connection between you two. you get to learn and improve yourself a lot, even if it ends you'll most likely always have a good memory of this person and so will him.

❤️ partner b's leo venus in her 10th house

with this overlay, there's lots of admiration from both parties. more specifically your partner probably looks up to you, he agrees with your ideas and he's fascinated by your drive. he may be very attracted to your looks, to the way you treat people, to the way you present yourself, he may even see you as superior to him in a certain sense. with this placement, if you and your partner get together he'll surely treat you like a living goddess!! this admiration is obviously mutual, you're also attracted to your partner, you may see him as a stable point, a safe spot. of course, since the 10th house is also the house of career and work, this relationship could also be beneficial for each other's jobs and goals. you are probably very emotionally supportive of each other's dreams, or perhaps you may even help each other in a more concrete way. overall, you may appear as the perfect couple when you're together; you're probably not afraid of pda, and hence you may have lots of eyes on you. luckily, though, I don't see you attracting much jealousy or any kind of malicious feeling.

☄️ partner b's capricorn mars in her 4th house

this placement is certainly good for a long-term relationship. in fact, mars in the house of family, makes your partner want to live with you, he wants to become a part of your family. you may even be amused by the idea of builing a family together as well, it's certainly a children placement. aside from that, the 4th house also indicates the deeper, private self, and hence if you share a 4th house overlay there's strong empathy between you two. you may not be able to express with words your feelings due to your moon square mercury aspect, but you still understand each other. there's lots of empathy and compassion between you two, it's like you've known each other for your whole time. or perhaps, maybe you actually know each other since your childhood. you could even remind him of one of his parents, or viceversa. yet, even though it is certainly healing, it could be triggering in a certain sense. perhaps, you find that your partner awakens a part of you that you'd rather keep buried, and as a result you don't feel comfortable with him, but of course it's just a possibility. as a result, you can both end up having arguments due to disagreements.

partner b's capricorn mars square partner a's libra moon: this placement may cause some troubles, as you may often be blind to your partner’s attitude. you may sometimes idealize your partner way too much when he’s not actually who he seems to be. at first you may be okay with his behaviour, after all you have lots of similar signs and positive aspects that make you two get along. yet, as time goes by, you may start feeling constantly contradicted, arguments could be more frequent as you may misunderstand each other. more specifically, you start realizing that your partner’s nature is slightly different from yours, and while there are many other aspects that could mitigate this effect, you may still feel as if it’s impossible for you to have a long-lasting, healthy relationship in these occasions. especially your partner, he may often hurt your feelings with his words. on the other hand, this placement also has a positive side! you are strongly attracted to each other, you both feel attached to the other with glue, and that’s exactly why this relationship could become unhealthy, because you may struggle to let go of the other if necessary. your bond is so strong that you can’t manage to separate, even when there are so many hardships and conflicts. 

ASTEROIDS & CO

partner b's sagittarius juno conjunct partner a's sagittarius pluto: another long-term indicator!! this one placement is often present in charts of married couple, as it makes your bond very strong, deep and intense, making it pleasant and, above all, interesting for you two to live together. it's a connection that makes you two constantly improve, transform and discover a part of yourselves that you didn't know existed. you also feel the urge to protect each other, he truly feels like family to you and viceversa. in addition, this is also a strong karmic indicator. as I've already said above, you two definitely have a past life connection, you two are soulmates.

this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions :)

libramc xx

- not corrected yet -

[thisissirius]

How about for Buck and Eddie if you want to, “Could you repeat that?”

YOU GOT IT, ANON

kindness is a language (which the deaf can hear)eddie/buck, deaf!buck

“Could you repeat that?”

Buck gets tired of saying it. 

When he’s younger, he tries to get by without any aid. His parents can afford to pay for whatever he needs, but they refuse to fund anything that would make him look less than perfect. 

Hearing aids, cochlear implants?

Those would mar Buck’s appearance and they won’t have it. Buck’s not surprised. His mother insists on covering Buck’s birthmark with makeup until he’s sixteen and decides to hell with it, he’s gonna be proud. (It helps that he’s tall and bulky enough by that point to stand up to them without fear.)

His lack of hearing is something else entirely. 

The only person who bothers to learn Sign is Maddie. She’s careful with it at first. They never do it in front of their parents (they learn to communicate through looks and gestures their parents can’t claim as Sign) and Maddie always makes sure to learn at Buck’s pace. Buck learns to talk with Maddie’s help. It’s difficult at first, he watches the way Maddie winces when he’s too loud, so he can regulate his volume. He takes his cues from Maddie and neither of them realize the downsides until Doug appears and Maddie’s gone. 

Buck’s left in a house where his parents talk to him as though he can hear every word. 

Can you repeat that, becomes Buck’s go-to phrase.

His parents’ exasperation drives him to college, where he learns how much it’s going to cost him for aids or implants without help. He goes behind his parents’ backs, gets aids to start with because the implant feels permanent. They help, and he gets by, though he doesn’t like them. He thinks if this is how Hearing people listen, he doesn’t want a part of it. He grits his teeth and gets through it because he’s set his sights on being something better;

Navy SEAL. 

Buck’s confident until the physical. As soon as they realize he’s deaf, they assure him there are plenty of civilian jobs he can do instead, but he won’t make the SEALs. 

It’s the first time Buck’s really hated his disability, and he can’t even tell Maddie. She’s miles away, crushed under the weight of Doug, and Buck doesn’t know how to get to her. 

He’s alone. 

It’s not until he’s caught up in a car accident - he’s not involved in the major crash, but his car comes out with damage - and he’s watching the first responders work that he thinks I wanna do that. 

Deafness precludes him from most of the things he wants to do, so he reluctantly decides to get implants. It’ll mean he can hear to do his job - and LA County will let him wear the uniform and get paid instead of volunteer.

He doesn’t like them, spends so long looking in the mirror, running his fingers over the implants and swallows down the urge to scream. Learning to hear, to interpret sounds as something he understands is hard and many times he almost gives up. He just wants to do what he loves, with the disability that made him, and he wants it on the same terms as everybody else. 

Safety is paramount, he knows this, and he knows his crew needs to rely on him. If he can’t hear, he can’t help. He grits his teeth, digs his nails into his hands, and deals with the implants. It’s necessary. 

There’s Abby, the first person since Maddie to Sign for him and god, he loves her for it. She teaches him so much, and not just because she shows him being Deaf isn’t something he needs to hide when he’s fu-in a relationship with someone. He loves her for it, makes him want to talk to Maddie for the first time in years. 

But she goes, takes most of Buck with her. He’s lonely, he knows, and more in person than hearing.

Which doesn’t explain why the first thing he does when Eddie Diaz shows up is think threat.

Eddie’s not a threat; his eyes flit to Buck’s implants like everybody else, but he never asks. He just nods, moves on to the next topic, and Buck’s thrown enough by it that he’s antagonistic.

Until the bomb. Until Bobby’s about to say, not Buck for the first time in months, but Eddie asks for him, wants him by his side. Buck’s not sure what it means, not even when the ambulance blows and Eddie’s asking if he wants dinner. 

They want dinner. 

Buck’s not sure what happens after that; 

Eddie likes him, genuinely wants to spend time with him, and then Christopher. 

He’s perfect, the best little man Buck’s ever met, and he can feel Eddie’s eyes on them the first time they have a conversation. 

Christopher looks at his implants, then down at his crutches. “We match!”

They don’t, not really, but Buck grins. It’s genuine, something he’s not felt for a long, long time, and he nods. “Yeah, Buddy, we do.”

They high five, but then Christopher’s face falls. “I can’t learn Sign, Buck.”

Buck’s heart clenches painfully in his chest, and he deliberately doesn’t look at Eddie as he rests a hand under Christopher’s chin, looks him in the eye. “Don’t you worry about that, Christopher. I’ll always hear you.”

It’s not a promise he usually makes because he can’t, but just the look on Christopher’s face, the dejected slant to his mouth has Buck talking. 

“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie says. He talks clearly, makes sure Buck is looking, and Buck’s heart lurches painfully once again. Eddie doesn’t have to; the implants work well enough that he could just talk normally, but something about the way he always speaks to Buck is careful. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Buck says, waving a hand at Eddie. “Make sure I can hear you.”

Eddie’s eyes are bright. “Why?”

“I can hear you with these,” Buck says, lips curling on the words in a way he can’t help.

There’s something in Eddie’s expression he can’t decipher. “That’s why,” he says, nodding at Buck. “The expression you make when you talk about them.”

Buck frowns. 

“Why get them if you don’t like them?”

“Because I wouldn’t be a firefighter otherwise,” Buck says, wincing. “Not- I could volunteer, but it’s not the same. This is - this is my life, Eddie, and I get to do it without having to worry about a full-time job as well. It’s - it’s all I want, and being born Deaf never seemed to matter until then.”

Eddie steps forward, hand resting on Buck’s neck. It’s warm,  a point of contact Buck can’t ignore, and he sucks in a breath, not sure he wants to breathe. It’ll ruin the moment. “If you don’t wanna wear em around me, Buck, that’s okay.”

“Christopher,” Buck croaks, because he doesn’t know what to do with that. 

He’ll learn, Eddie signs, and Buck can’t breathe for a completely different reason. 

“You Sign?”

“I can learn,” Eddie promises, and Buck lets out a sob, thinks of Maddie and Abby, and closes his eyes, nods. Eddie pulls him close, nose brushing Buck’s temple, the outline of the implant. “Just be you, Buck, even if that means you turn them off when we’re together.”

Buck’s hands grip Eddie’s hips, holds on because he thinks maybe he’ll fall if Eddie doesn’t keep him up. “Have to at work.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, and Buck’s still not completely sure about inflection in people’s voices, but he thinks he hears regret. “Not at home.”

Home. With Eddie and Christopher?

“Or with me,” Eddie adds a beat too late, but there’s still promise in Eddie’s face, in the way he smiles tentatively, slowly, and Buck finds himself smiling back. 

“Eddie.”

Eddie’s mouth twitches. Buck adjusts his implant, knows he’ll turn it back on for Christopher until they’re comfortable enough that they can communicate around Buck’s Deafness, but for now he needs this. 

“All right?” Eddie says, making sure Buck’s watching his lips.

Buck nods, lets out the breath he feels like he’s been holding the entire time. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Eddie says. Then Signs, I’d do anything for you.

Maybe because it’s hard to say aloud, but to Buck, he might as well have screamed it. 

[kireilixie]

Bittersweet Vanilla || Bang Chan

🪐ｓｕｍｍａｒｙ： Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years, but when fate decides to tear you apart, leading you on different paths and different worlds. Will your friendship survive? 

🪐ｐａｉｒｉｎｇ： idol! Bang Chan x swimmer! Reader

🪐ｇｅｎｒｅ： fluff, angsty angst, f2l

🪐ｗｏｒｄ ｃｏｕｎｔ： 22k 

🪐ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ：Reader later on is mentioned to have depression, anxiety and insomnia because of the pressure, so there may be some triggering stuff.

🪐ａｕｔｈｏｒ＇ｓ ｎｏｔｅ： Hello you mar view the preview here, Okay this started out as like late night thoughts with Channie, like fluffy stuff, but then I got distracted and began writing this :( I had even forgotten I had this drafted in my laptop because of how busy I got with school so here it is. I hope you guys like it! I’d like to thank @lavenderlattaes​ for helping me out with this fic and helping me with the edits and criticism :) also to @smileylino​ for hyping me out cuz idk why but writing this emotionally drained me :( 

 i. 

Getting ice cream after hours of training was a small tradition you and Chan had developed over the years. Walking to the small parlor a few blocks near both your neighborhoods, you both would drop by to try what new flavor was available. While you swore you’ve seen Chan devour with that bottomless pit of a stomach of his every single flavor the parlor had and mixing it up every single time you visited, you preferred to stick with your classic vanilla. 

Every time you visit, Chan asks why you bother with the simple flavor every single time, not bothering to try other flavors you’d always reply the same way not really bothering to explain your affinity with the simple flavor. “It’s what I like, It’s comfortable.” 

And he too would always reply the same way. “Why not try other flavors, go out of your comfort zone once in a while?” 

You never knew how to respond to his question, you would often dodge it with a shrug or by blatantly changing the topic. 

♡ ❤ ♡

This tradition of yours had begun the summer before your middle school, moving a lot at a young age it had been quite difficult for Chan to get settled in, with his distinct features, he barely fit in. Which is why he found himself once again in the corner of his new school’s swim club unsure of how to apply and whom to approach.

His eyes wandered around, scanning the different children doing laps and others warming up. Swimming was not something he had always enjoyed, though it made his father happy to see that he excelled at it hence why he had chosen to continue, he too had admitted it would be a shame not to. 

“Oi, newbie what are you doing here?” The smaller boy flinched at the loud voice, as the owner of said voice approached him. Here we go again the seven-year-old boy thought.

“I c-came t-to a-apply for the swim club.” The boy managed to softly stutter out, his eyes downcast, feeling intimidated by their difference in size.

“And at your puny size, ya think ya can swim fast-”

“Oi, why don’t ya shut up Jacob? A big dumb bully like yourself can’t beat me and here you are trying to scare the newbie being all talk. Why don’t you stop wasting your time picking on new people and actually spend it practicing and actually trying to improve your times.” Chan widened his eyes as he turned to the female voice that had interrupted the boy’s intimidation.

He was shocked to see a girl around his age, twirling her goggles around her fingers as she approached, Jacob, as she had called him, and his crew that currently surrounded the smaller boy.

Jacob, quite flustered with the unknown girl’s statement, attempted to come up with a good comeback but failed to do so as he muttered, “I’m telling you on my mom for calling me dumb.” As he and his lackeys’ runoff.

“What’s your mum’s gonna do about it? Kick me out of the team?” The smaller girl scoffed as the boys rushed off to the other side of the pool.

Chan chuckled at that, noting the confident air the girl carried, she introduced herself, (Y/N) (L/N) he had learned that day, specialized in free where he specialized in butterfly. At the revelation, her eyes glowed in excitement as she tugged the smaller boy towards her father.

“Dad! He swims butterfly! He can complete the relay!” Chan observed, fascinated by the complete 180 in her vibe, wherein earlier she had carried with confidence and sophistication to intimidate the boys, but here she is trying to gain her father’s attention, bouncing in excitement. “We can finally have a relay!”

Finishing his conversation on the phone, her father turned to the pair raising an eyebrow at her daughter’s excitement. Bending down to their height the older man asked for Chan’s name, to which he replied a soft ‘Christopher Bang’ at this the older man’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re that boy that broke the record for the 50 m freestyle swim! Your dad called me earlier to inform me that you had transferred here and wanted to join, here fill this up and (Y/n) here can show you your lockers and the shower rooms to change.” 

“Really! What’s your time?! Ugh, I hope it’s not faster than mine.” You had frowned at him, enthusiasm replaced by competitiveness at the information he had broken a record in your specialty. “Come on go change, then we race. Loser has to buy ice cream.”

It was the first time you lost to someone but oddly enough it felt exhilarating to have someone to finally compete with. 

♡ ❤ ♡

As your duo grew up, Chan began to carry himself with confidence through his swimming, with the medals he bagged and the grades he worked hard for, he began to build up a reputation in school as a diligent student. 

And wherein you, were proclaimed as a swimming prodigy, bringing glory to your school and country as a phenomenal swimmer. That’s when the recruitment and scouting began, different schools sending in their best representatives in an attempt to recruit you for their team, but you chose to decline them all so that you could keep your little happiness with your best friend.

And despite the hectic schedules you both had, you stuck to one another. It was that comfort you found with Chan. You would throw all your accomplishments and the path your father had set out for you in a heartbeat if Chan wished for it. You’d do anything and everything to stay by his side. 

And that upset your father greatly, hence why you chose to spend more time in the Bang Residence rather than your own. The arguments your parents would have, made it all the more an excuse to avoid your own household, you were grateful that Chan’s mother, had been completely understanding with the situation after an incident where you had arrived one evening, drenched by the rain and sobbing. You had collapsed in Chan’s arms the moment he opened the door. 

Despite the problems within your household, Chan always found a way to make you happier to distract you from your worries. It was around your middle school when you noticed Chan’s passion for music, and his family was blessed with talent. It was as if when god had been showering talents, and they had been there at the right time and place.  You knew he took some singing classes and played instruments here and there, but you hadn’t realized his passion had been deeper than expected, you hadn’t expected this burning desire within him to pursue it as a career.

“(Y/n), What are you going to be when you grow up?” He had asked you during one of your trips to the ice cream parlor, digging into his salted caramel ice cream. 

The question caught you off guard. What did you want to do? Eyes downcast you began to find the vanilla ice cream, the simple and plain flavor comforting as always, interesting as you picked at it. “I’ll probably continue swimming, that’s what my dad wants.” 

“Yeah that's what your dad wants, but what do you want? Like I want to do something with music! I want to use it as a platform to spread messages, to help people find comfort in music the way I do.” He had looked so bright, so gleeful, like a star so far and out of reach.

“Oh, that’s amazing Chris. Though I really don’t know what I want to do.” How you wish you were just as passionate as Chan, wishing you could break through your comfort zone to chase after the one thing you loved the most.

“Then I’ll help you find something, something you’ll come to love the way I do with music.” Maybe at that time, I had found something to love, maybe I just didn’t know it yet. “But if you love swimming, then you’ll be the greatest swimmer in the world, you’ll be an Olympic medalist!” He raises his ice cream cup as a toast, you clink yours with him, smiling at how happy he looked. 

Chan was your north star, no matter which direction the universe spun, he remained unwavering, shining bright and leading you to home, him, your comfort.

♡ ❤ ♡

It all collapsed as you both graduated middle school. 

Both in your togas and diplomas, he swung your interlocked hands, as you approached his parents and mother. Taking a few pictures together, and just enjoying the bliss and exhilarating atmosphere, how you wish you could stay this way forever. 

Your father hadn’t bothered to show up, though he did text you a small congratulations note and had sent some flowers, with your parents finalizing their divorce papers he had moved out of the house a few months ago.

Your pictures are interrupted as a tall man in a suit taps you on the shoulder to get your attention. He smiles politely before introducing himself as a representative for Griffith University, congratulating you on your graduation and handing you a bouquet as well as an envelope to complete your enrollment. He also thanks you for accepting their scholarship, saying that their Head Coach had personally invited you into their swim program.

Griffith University was very exclusive, you couldn’t get in unless you’re invited by their head coach or the assistant coach. The university had claimed the greatest amount of student-athletes that who had participated in the Olympics. Their swimming head coach was Michael Bohl, and many of his students had competed in the Olympics and garnered gold. This was big, though you never recall getting an offer, or even accepting. 

But you hadn’t applied. You had been determined to continue junior high school with Chan, so you hadn’t made any applications to any of the sports schools you had been recruited by. This must be your father’s doing, and before you could decline the man’s envelope and bouquet, Chan envelopes you in a hug, enthusiastic about having the biggest swimming institute in Australia recruit his best friend and offer her a scholarship nonetheless. 

Aren’t you sad? If I accept this I would have to leave your side. 

The man decides to give you two some space, smiling as he says he would be updating and waiting for your enrollment. Like hell, would I choose that over my best friend. I better confront dad about this. You decide to throw his bouquet later on and delete his messages. You head off towards the Bang Residence for dinner to celebrate your graduation. 

Dinner with the Bangs was always comforting, and the family banters had been very different from the isolated dinners you had in your household. Chan wouldn’t stop bringing up your recruitment and scholarship going on and on about how you’ll take on the Olympics and represent your country. His parents had been thrilled repeatedly congratulating you and saying you earned and deserved it.

Has he not realized this would separate us? Chris can be so oblivious sometimes. 

After dinner you decide to take a walk to have some ice cream at the familiar parlor you frequented ever since becoming friends and after you had lost to him the first time you met. 

Sitting down you both order, asking for your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream, Chan picks the mint chocolate chip which was their special for the week. He’s silent all of a sudden, fixing you with a serious gaze he takes in a deep breath. It made you uneasy all of a sudden as if whatever he would say next would change your fate.

And it did. 

“Y/n remember when I said I wanted to make music?” He asks fiddling with the spoon, nervous which was a rare sight for the charismatic boy.

You humm in response allowing him to continue. “Well my parents and I made a deal, they would allow me to live in South Korea as a trainee, as long as I got into a good company. And well I got in, you’re now looking at the latest Australian trainee of JYP Entertainment. I leave next month!” He points to himself with his thumb, smiling and giddy to hear your response. 

Korea as in Korea within Asia? That's 6828 kilometers away! 

“(Y/n), are you alright? You’re not saying anything, is something wrong.” Without noticing you had turned your head down, allowing your hair to create a curtain between you two. He reaches out to tuck your hair behind your ears and is met of your tear-stained cheeks. “You’re crying.” He says, unsure of what to say and what made you upset. “Are you not happy I got in.”

“No, I'm happy! You’re finally getting what you dreamed of! You’re going to be amazing Chris. I’m crying because of how happy I am for you.” You’re leaving me here all alone with no one. You’re going to be living 6828 kilometers away, in a foreign country when we barely turned 14. I want to be happy for you but why does this hurt so much. “ I just don’t know what to say.” You really didn’t.

You get up all of a sudden wiping your tears unable to control your emotions, you run out the door your vanilla-flavored ice cream long forgotten. 

You run and run, till your legs feel numb and you struggle to catch your breath. You ignore Chan's confused calls for you to come back, but you knew in your heart you couldn’t face him like this. With your emotions in disarray, you feared what you said to him had hurt him, what you would say if you definitely did not take the time off to cool your head would have definitely hurt him. 

Once you reach the doors of your house, you let yourself into your room. Grabbing the nearest pillow you sob into it, you scream into the pillow, wailing as you pour your emotions into it your heartthrobs in pain, heavy with your emotions. 

ii.

You ignore Chan for the next few days, worried, his mother had phoned you a few days ago, knowing you didn’t really have anyone to talk to you poured your heart out to her. Understanding, she decided to give you some space from Chan, even going to further lengths to change your training periods.

Sitting in the booth of your frequented ice cream parlor you play with the contents of your ice cream cup, the bitter coffee almond ice cream you munched on with delight, you had not been expecting a sweet aftertaste. But maybe this was it, where your paths must diverge. You decide to call your dad about the enrollment, you also decide to send Chan a text. 

                                                                                                       Orca (Y/n) 💌  

                                                                I’m at the parlor, come over I’ll treat you.

Bangaroo  💌

Sure, I’ll be there in five minutes.

♡ ❤ ♡

It doesn’t take him long to arrive, though you wondered if he had run here, his clothes disheveled along with his hair. Luckily the ice cream you had ordered for him managed to stay cool with the help of the air-conditioned room, you had gotten him their weekly special NY cheesecake. Taking a seat in front of you his eyes nearly bulge off of his head as he notices your finished ice cream, the warm brown color of the coffee almond contrasting the usual white of your vanilla ice cream.

“That’s different.” He mutters confused but happily munches on his ice cream.

“It’s a risky change, I must admit.”

“It is, did you like it?”

“I did.”

“That’s good.” 

The short responses between the both of you bother you both, it was different which you would admit was inevitable, you had ignored him for the week.

“I leave in two weeks.” 

“I know.” You pause to meet his eyes, tired and red-rimmed, most definitely like yours. His eyes held so many emotions, lingering with disappointment and hurt. "I'm sorry Chan, for running out on you like that, my emotions were too much and I really needed to be alone even for just a bit." It made you feel sick, seeing him so sad especially when you had caused all this.

"You could've told me. I would understand. I would do anything and everything to make you happy." If I were to ask from you the one thing that would make me happy it would be too selfish of me. 

"Chan you don't have to understand why I'm so hurt, why I want to be selfish. Understanding me would only lead to you wavering from making your decisions and ultimately holding you back. And I can't ever let that happen, you've been waiting for this your whole life." And if it really makes you happy, I won’t take that happiness from you. “You’re going to be amazing, I know it.” You reached for his hands, callused from playing instruments and making music, such hardworking hands, you squeezed his hands in reassurance. 

“So two weeks huh? Guess we’ll have to make the most out of it.” You smiled at him, trying to reassure him that everything was going to be alright. But no matter how you tried to reassure him with your actions, your thoughts clashed with one another. 

“Yeah, I guess we’ll have to.” He softly rubs his thumb against your knuckles.

♡ ❤ ♡

The next two weeks had you practically living with Chan’s family, trying to spend as much time with him. You both trained for the last swim meet you would be participating in together, time seemed to pass quickly, you hated it. Though you knew within your heart it would’ve been worse if you had decided not to reconcile with Chan, it would've just added to your long list of regrets.

You both tried to pretend he wasn’t leaving in the next few days, that you wouldn’t be able to see one another in the next few years and maybe the next few days would be the last you’ll see each other. Neither of you had any idea what fate had in store for you both and you could only hope. 

The swim meet came much faster than expected, you were buzzing with excitement as you entered the building. Chan, on the other hand, was nervous at this being his last swim meet, he hoped he could make this as memorable as possible. Though you never say it, Chan knew you loved swimming despite as much as you try to make it out that you only did it for your dad. 

He sees you glow the moment you step into the pool, he knew he made the right decision by sending in your application for Australia’s best swim school. And as much as it hurt him to leave you, he needed to see you grow, to become independent, and to make your own choices for yourself.

He loved the confidence that you had as you walked into the competition hall, ignoring all whispers about you, turning heads at the mention of your name. You have been destined to reign the competitive world of swimming, and he knew he wasn’t as good as you were to reign alongside you. He had accepted that a long time ago.

He walks with you to the locker room to prepare and change, trailing a few steps after you. Observing the looks of awe and surprise as swimmers, younger and older couldn’t help but respect your skill.

You turn to him gripping your gym bag tightly, which he had offered to carry but had been rejected along the lines of you saying that you were a woman that could carry your own belongings or something like that. “Well, I’ll see you later, wish me luck.” You raise your fist to his to-do your signature good luck handshake before every competition. The handshake brought you a lot of reassurance and strength, taking away any insecurities. 

You grin at him one last time, turning at your heels to enter the room, but before you take another step, he pulls you in for a hug, squeezing you tightly, your hands awkward by your sides, unsure of whether to hug him back. “You don’t need luck, go wreck them.”

You scoff at his words, finally deciding to wrap your arms around his shoulder. “Of course see ya later Bangaroo.” 

Up in the stands Chan observes you as you take your positions on the starting block, he smiles to himself as he sees you wearing the goggles and swim cap he had gifted you at your last birthday, he had saved for it the whole year to surprise you with your favorite swimming brand. You had teared up at the gift, before smacking him for the times he had complained every time you invited him to the parlor.

He had never seen you wear the cap and goggles at practice, you had told him you had to save the luck for competitions. He had asked you to explain though you brushed off the statement by pushing him into the pool. 

“It’s nice to see you here, isn’t this your last meet?” Chan blinks in surprise as the older man takes a seat beside him joining him to observe his daughter. 

“Coach (L/n)..” Chan pauses unsure of what to say, the last he had spoken to your father was when he had asked for your father’s help, convincing him to accept the scholarship in your stead. 

“She’s still as amazing as ever.” Your father whispers in awe more to himself rather than Chan. “I was surprised you know, you convinced me to accept the scholarship which she had declined again and again to stay by your side. She put up a good fight for you, you know. I’m even surprised she called me herself that she’ll be accepting the offer.”

The older man stands up all of a sudden patting him on the shoulder, “Well good luck, and thank you for giving her that push. Give her a hug for me later on.” Chan’s surprised by the time your father leaves is just in time you finish the swim, realizing you had already won, he sees you waving at him with a big grin highlighting your features. 

You looked so beautiful that he knew he made the right choice. He waves in return throwing you a thumbs up before he starts heading toward the locker rooms to prepare. He’s stunned by your father’s words, he knows in his heart he made the right decision, and he knows he shouldn’t let this bother him, especially when he’s about to compete. 

He steps into the starting block, slipping on his goggles, snapping it against the back of his head to erase any of his worries. Lastly, he’s putting on his swim cap. Taking deep even breaths, it’s his last swim. Chan wants to make this as memorable as possible.

He closes his palm clenching it, testing to see how shaky and nervous he was, only to see that it isn’t that bad. His heart rate isn’t so accelerated either. They’re given the signals to take their positions. And Chan is surprised there are no unpleasant jitters in his stomach.

Chan reacts to the beep,  kicking off the starting block and then diving into the waters, he feels the pull of gravity just as he surfaces to take his first breath. Rotating from his shoulders, he paces his breathing for the first lap to maintain his stamina. Though once he approaches the end, he gives a powerful kick to the touchpad turning as he accelerates. In the last lap, he pushes himself to go faster, erasing all thoughts and worries. He reminds himself that this is his specialty, the one style in swimming you couldn’t beat him at. He’s slipping his goggles and swim cap before he even realizes he won. 

It’s the first time Chris places gold. And it feels exhilarating, he feels so happy he could cry. He sees you in the stands, grinning and he’s sure he mirrors your grin. 

You take a few pictures after, promising to treat him to ice cream just in time his parents invite you to a trip to the beach for his last day in Australia. On your way home, his parents drop you both off at the ice cream parlor. You give Chan the money and the choice of ordering for you, once he asks whether you want the usual you tell him to surprise you.

And he does, he brings you your usual vanilla-flavored ice cream. You raise an eyebrow at him curious for the reasoning behind it. “It’s your favorite.” He simply says.

You sit in silence, soaking up the comfortable atmosphere trying to let the events that happened today sink in. More scouts had approached you today for an offer and all that, to which you politely listened to despite already having accepted an offer. 

“You know despite knowing you for a long time, I have never heard you sing.” You admit to him which makes him flush in embarrassment, you’ve seen his audition video and heard him hum from time to time but full out singing never. You were always either swimming, playing a few video games or studying with him.

“You’ve seen the audition video.” He argues.

“That doesn’t count!.” You giggle as he tries to avoid your teasing gaze.

“Oh well, then I’ll sing for you tomorrow. Let’s head back and we have a long day tomorrow.” Our last day tomorrow.

iii.

The drive to the beach was spent with Chan's parents singing different songs both in Korean and English, it was really nice seeing them like this. You weren’t exactly sure whether Chan remembered your request, you were hoping he did. Observing them you try to recall the times your parents were like this, knowing that you would never have times like these with your own family.

You arrive a little bit after noon and the moment the car comes to a stop, Chan bursts out the door hopping in excitement as he attempts to drag you towards the direction of the beach. Chan's parents had booked a cottage for you to stay in as you would be heading to the airport the next morning, with Chan’s luggage in the trunk reminding you that this is real, he would be leaving tomorrow and you’re unsure whether you’d see him again.

You try not to let your thoughts bother you as much, as Chan practically dragged you to where you’d be staying, his mother and father leading you both. Chan was practically glowing under the sun’s rays, you found it adorable how excited he was. Not that you’d admit that to his face. 

You both left your stuff in the cottage, letting his parents set up the bonfire for dinner and some smores and allowed you to go swim. You changed into your swimsuit, Chan rushing you as he was already wearing his swim trunks on. “You’re taking so long (Y/n)~” 

“I’m out, I’m out.” You chastise him, pretending to be irritated with him despite your eyes twinkling with amusement. The moment you step out the bathroom door, he’s tugging on your hand and rushing towards the direction of the soft sand. 

Dodging multiple tourists and fellow Australians, you giggle as Chan almost runs into a tall male he quickly apologizes, with the man chastising him for not being careful. The weather was amazing for a swim, the waves not too strong and dangerous, the water was an amazing shade of blue inviting you to take a dip, you see a few surfers up ahead, enjoying themselves.

“You okay? You’ve been dazed for the last few days.” He waves a hand in front of you concerned whether something was wrong.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Come on!” You tug him towards the waves, shrieking as the cool waters hit you. You splash him with the water, accidentally getting some of the saltwater into your eyes he laughs at you, his eyes crinkling into little crescents.

You spend the next few hours playing in the sea, the crystal blue sea so beautiful and captivating it makes you giddy as you swim with Chan, having a few races here and there being cautious not to go too deep. 

Enjoying yourself you float on your back, admiring the view of the blue sky when suddenly it seems too quiet. Planting your feet into the grainy sand, Chan is gone, it fills you with dread with him being out of sight, you yell out his name telling him to stop playing. 

Just when out of nowhere, something tugs at your feet causing you to plunge into the sea, breathing in some of the saltwater, you resurface as quickly as possible as Chan comes into view, grinning innocently with his dimples prominent. He lets out a soft “Boo” letting you smack him scolding him for giving you a scare

“I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t.“ He presses his chin against your shoulder tickling you before he continues to whine. “You loooveee me.” At this you flush, you're not sure why but you feel your heart skip a few beats. 

You avoid his curious brown eyes, teasing as he hugs you from behind apologizing. “You owe me a song and some ice cream.” You pout, furrowing your eyebrows as you cross your arms. 

“Okay~ Come on let’s go eat first, then we’ll buy some.”

♡ ❤ ♡

Dinner passes quickly and comfortably with the Bang family as you eat around the bonfire grilling some seafood and meat, Chan’s mother teaches you how to eat Ssambap, the Bang family teaches you some of the common vocabularies they use. 

“So you call an older sister Noona?” You ask after swallowing your Ssambap listening as they teach you how they address one another.

“Well Noona and Hyung are used by a younger boy to address an older girl and boy respectively, meanwhile, Oppa and Unnie are used by a younger girl to address an older boy and girl,” Chan explains grinning at your pronunciation and at how cute you looked as your brows furrowed in concentration.

“Ahh, but you can only use these to address your siblings?” 

“Well not necessarily-”

“Then you’re my Oppa!” Chan flushes a bright red hue at your statement at this you tilt your head in confusion at his flushed features highlighted by the warm glow of the bonfire, it highlights the specks of brown in his dark eyes. “Did I pronounce that wrong?”

“Well, now it’s just that Oppa is often used by people in a relationship as an endearment to the male it's like babe.” Chan’s mother interjects your conversation, smiling at seeing his son flustered.

“Oh.”

“Well we’ll be taking a walk around, you two enjoy yourselves.” Finishing clean up, the married couple leaves hand in hand giving you the space you needed. 

Chan stands to grab the ice cream from the cooler, two small pints, both being mango swirl. He passes you the pint and then he reaches behind him, pulling out a ukulele which you definitely had not noticed had been behind him. 

“You wanted to hear me sing so here I go.” He sends you a sheepish grin before he begins to strum the ukulele, you immediately recognize Jason Mraz’s song. His voice sounded so soft and sweet, singing the lyrics of the song.

“But I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing

We are just one big family

And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours” 

 At the age of fourteen, you’re pretty sure you have no idea what loving someone is like, loving them romantically rather than platonically. You’re unsure whether it's the lyrics of the song, Chan’s accent, or his voice, the sweet honeyed melody he lets out, it almost reminds you of your comforting vanilla ice cream after a hot summer day, refreshing and relaxing. The song makes you wonder what’s it like falling in love, being special to someone, being loved, and is important to someone.

By now you’re pretty sure that Chris’s your home, your warmth, and your happiness. Though you’ve realized that you can’t keep depending on him like this, you have to find your own way. Observing him, you see how he glows under the bonfire’s light, it highlights his dimple, it seemed natural how he held the ukulele as if he were destined to make music. And maybe he was.

 By the time he finishes the song, you’ve become quiet and it scares him. He’s unsure why but he’s always found your opinion important to him, the criticisms you give when he’s swimming he constantly applies in order to gain your approval. 

“Hey? You okay?” You’ve been out of focus for the past few days and it worried him.

“Hmm. Oh yeah, you sound really good, Chris, you’re going to be amazing I know it.” You smile softly, repeating the statement you’ve always said to reassure him and his insecurities. Though you meant it genuinely, Chris was amazing no matter what he was doing, whether it was sitting in class paying attention to a math problem, or asking for your opinion in his swimming, or just talking to you. He was meant to be amazing.

“I have something to say-”

“I need to tell you something-” You both mutter in unison, before pausing in realization and giggling.

 Chris gestures for you to go first so you continue, “Well, I accepted the scholarship, my dad enrolled me so I’m flying to Canberra in a few days and my dad says he’ll live with me for a while as he got a teaching offer there too.” You pause unsure whether it's the right time to let him know this before deciding you’d rather have no regrets with him. “My dad told me you convinced him to enroll me there.”

“Wait let me explain-” 

“I was hurt, really really hurt. It was as if you were pushing me away. Though later on, I was thankful, really thankful, I needed this. And trust me there’s no way I would be able to bring myself to hate you, Chris. I just needed to get that off my chest.” You hadn’t noticed you had begun tearing up again before he reaches to wipe the tears on your cheek with his thumb.

“I’m sorry, that we have to separate like this. I’m thankful for everything we’ve been through and for meeting you. So I got you this.” He pulls out a paper bag behind him once more. How is he even hiding all these? Inside is a box, you peer at him curiosity tickling your heart. He nudges at you to open it and once you do you find a beautiful necklace inside it, a whale’s fluke as a charm. 

“I hope you like it! It reminded me of you-” Before he could even continue you pulled him into a hug, by this time you’re full out crying unto his shoulder. Sobbing your tears begin to soak his shirt, but he doesn’t let it bother him, instead he hugs you tighter, burying his face into your hair, biting his bottom lips as he attempts to hold back his tears.

“I love it, Chris, it’s gorgeous. Though I’m really really going to miss you! It’s going to be different not swimming with you anymore, not going to the parlor to get ice cream, teasing you for how much you eat, letting me win video games, who’s going to teach me math!? If I weren’t good at swimming the teachers wouldn’t be so patient with me!” Everything comes out rushed as she clutches onto him, trying to let out her fears. Your body shook with sobs and tears tore through his gut, twisting with guilt. “I don’t want you to leave, honestly, but it makes you so happy, music makes me happy so who am I to take your happiness-” This causes his own onslaught of tears and emotions.

“I don’t want to show it but I’m terrified! I’m going to miss you, and everything’s going to be different and new. I’m scared I won’t have any friends there. You have to promise me you’re not going to forget me even when you’re winning all those medals, you have to promise me you’ll come to visit me when you have competitions in Korea. I’ll buy you all the vanilla ice cream in the world if I have to!” Chan’s own set of sobs catches you off guard, his lips trembling.

“What! I’d never forgotten you if anyone’s forgetting me it’s you! How am I going to deal with an Idol best friend!” You yelp exasperated at his claim, you give him a squeeze, rocking back and forth as you try to calm yourselves. “I wanted to give this tomorrow, but well you already gave me your gift so I guess I’ll give you mine.” You pull out the box from your bag, you had used the money you got from your dad as a birthday gift and also some the allowance you get as an athlete to save for this. You had also asked his mom for help in choosing for the gift, not being that knowledgeable in music, you hadn’t known what to get him so you bought him a pair of Bluetooth headphones. 

“This is expensive, how did you afford this?” Sniffling he wipes at his tears looking with you with wide eyes, shocked and astonished. He had been saving up for this pair of earphones for a long time though he had set it aside to buy the necklace knowing that this could be the last time he could see you.

“I think you underestimate the allowance I receive for being an athlete.” You grin at him shrinking under his intense gaze. 

“Have I told you I love you?” huh? You’re not sure whether it’s from the rush of emotions or whether he really meant it so out of stupidity your reply.

“Yeah me too. Well, I’m gonna go observe the sea now haha-” 

“(Y/n)! You can’t shrug this off. I mean it!” Chan pulls you back to take a seat next to him, his eyes twinkling with so much passion, you’ve never seen him look at you like this. You never knew a set of eyes could hold so much emotion. “I know we’re young and I’m leaving tomorrow but I really needed to let you know that-”

You give him a soft peck on the lips, hushing all his unnecessary thoughts. Smiling as you part from him. “Think of this as a promise and also because I don’t think I can handle any Korean girls way prettier than me taking your first kiss.”

“Well, I guess I don’t have to worry about hot swimmers taking yours.” He retaliates.

He’s about to say something else but his parents call you both, telling you to head to bed knowing you’d have to leave early for Chan’s flight. He says nothing else as he fixes up the mats and your bags, tossing the forgotten and untouched mango ice cream back into the coolers saving it for another occasion. 

Thankfully that night, sleep comes easy. 

♡ ❤ ♡

The next morning you’re at the airport to drop off Chan and his mother at the airport, luckily there are no more tears as you bid him farewell. Just a tight hug and a forehead kiss, no promises are made that morning. The next week you’re leaving as well, and off you both go for a better future.

iv.

As Chan toured the group around Sydney, he had felt very giddy to be finally home after so many years being spent training in Korea. Sneaking glances at his members as they neared his home, he chuckled at their curious expressions trying to guess where Chan was bringing them next. 

Stopping at their destination, Chan turned to his members to a grin, announcing they had arrived at their final destination. Glancing at one another in confusion the members attempted to question where they were but were interrupted with the front door opening to reveal the leader’s parents, immediately embracing their son in a warm hug.

They welcomed the boys giving them a small tour of the house as they explored where Chan had grown up. The boys were quite amazed at their leader’s achievements not only academically but especially in his swimming, Chan’s father inviting them to visit his swim club if they had time.

Hyunjin paused at a picture that had both Chan and a young girl showing off their medals, both gold. They both had bright grins with their arms thrown over each other’s shoulders.

 “Hyung, who’s this?”

“Ah, one of my childhood friends.” The older smiled as he began to reminisce how they had met.

Chan’s mother called them over for dinner, the boys finding their places around the table. Chan sighed softly, enjoying the atmosphere as they finished up filming necessary parts for their show. The group made small talk with Chan’s parents asking how they were doing and their plans for the upcoming days.

Chan’s father opened his mouth to speak but was interrupted as Berry, the family’s King Charles Spaniel, began barking excitedly as the front door opened, and was followed by a soft. “Uncle, Auntie I’m back.”

This caused several confused heads to turn towards the entrance, curious to see who had arrived. Chan’s mother proceeded to call her informing the girl that they were in the back. 

“How was training dear, are you hungry? I saved you some food, and please tell me you aren’t working yourself to the bone.” Chan’s mother continued in English confusing some of the boys.

“Me overworking? Where’d you hear that.” Finally stepping into the back, the boys had noticed Chan had gone silent. Eyes watery as he refused to believe that you were here physically, the last he had seen you were three years ago.

“Thank you so much, auntie-” Finally realizing the number of visitors in the house your eyes landed on the blonde, blinking and eyeing what had become different last you saw him. Your eyes watered at the sight of your best friend in the flesh, your emotions hit you like a train.

Before you could say anything else, you were engulfed in a hug, finding comfort in how he seemed to cover your body, his larger one providing security and warmth. It took you a while to realize that his tears had begun to wet your shoulder as you buried your face into his shoulder muffling your sniffles. Pulling away you held his face, wiping his tears as he did with yours. “You’re here, actually here.” 

“I think you need a room, you two” You both chuckled as Chan’s father reminded you that you weren’t the only ones present.

“Wait, that's (Y/n) (L/n) Australia's Individual Medley Gold medalist!” Hyunjin gasps in realization as he clicks his fingers in excitement. Chan chuckled at your confused expression still continuing to wipe your tears, softly explaining what the younger boy had said to you in English.

Turning to your extended family, you asked them if this had been planned. “Actually, not really, it may or may not have happened merely due to good timing, as you rarely come back early from training.” Chan’s dad explained as he stared fondly at the reunited friends, happy to see his son genuinely happy.

Chan then turned to introduce you to his friends, squeezing your intertwined hands in reassurance. Then explaining why Hyunjin had recognized you, was because of his background in swimming. You nodded in understanding then giggled as the younger boy proceeded to talk confidently in English, amazed at his accent. 

“I’m such a big fan” He had told you, proceeding to shake your hand and bow a few times, eyes wide in surprise.

“It’s nice to meet you too, Hyunjin-ssi?” Chan was surprised by your pronunciation and nodded in approval at how you addressed Hyunjin carefully.

The night continued as the younger boys shared their stories of their country, the bright atmosphere hiding the suffocating tension between you and your former best friend. Despite the happy reunion you had just shared with one another, the mixed emotions from the conversation you had a few years back, began to resurface. 

♡ ❤ ♡

You had visited Korea a few years back, but only to attend your Father’s wedding to a Korean woman. Your parents had divorced a few years back and the sudden marriage of your father to another under the short time had not surprised you as he had known the woman even as he was tied to your mother.

Usually, when you felt down you tried to seek a body of water you could swim in, but as aforementioned father had introduced you to swimming it would only remind you of him, making you feel sick to the stomach.

Walking down a few streets, it took you a while to realize you were actually lost. Seeing as your phone had died out, having no means to contact your father nor find your way back.

And just your luck, it had begun to rain, so you rushed to enter the first cafe you find. And in your haste you bump into a taller male, causing the notebook he was holding to clutter across the floor, the male softly muttering something probably in Korean only fueling your confusion.

“I’m sorry” You muttered back in English, not caring if he had understood. You cursed your luck that day, the heavy emotions brewing in your head as you assisted the taller male. 

Not noticing that after hearing your voice, the male’s head had snapped to look at you, eyes widening in surprise. “(Y/n)?” He had asked to confirm if it was really you.

At the mention of your name, this had given you the opportunity to scan his head to toe. Well as best as you could in his crouched form. “Chris?”

Despite the bright atmosphere of the cafe, it did nothing to alleviate the heavy emotions that clouded the two teenagers. Looking back, you could really admit that you were happy to see him, though after explaining why you were in Korea, the male drowned in guilt. 

You had called him thrice the day you received the news that your parents were getting a divorce. 

He had received none of these calls.

I sent him a letter to explain and confide in him about your frustrations, and said letter had accidentally been thrown out by a staff member after he had misplaced it. 

Chan messed up he knew that, but there were times that circumstances like these could not be prevented. He felt upset with himself, being unable to be there for you when you needed him most.

“Sometimes I wish you never left, you could’ve stayed, we could’ve dominated swimming together.” You had softly whispered to him as tears began to well up again, the loud thoughts in your head becoming too much as they pulled at your insecurities to open up to the younger boy about your problems.

“I wish you could’ve picked up the moment I called, but asking for your time and attention would be a tad bit too selfish wouldn’t it. These wishes of mine would be too cruel and selfish of me to ask for, right? When we were fourteen and you asked me to keep in touch, for the first year yeah we managed to but with both our busy schedules, it began to fade. I tried to understand the first time you didn’t pick up, but the next time, I allowed my insecurities to take control as I allowed myself to think I was probably bothering you.” You allowed yourself to speak your thoughts, knowing they would hurt Chan, but they were the truth.

“(Y/n), I’m sorry.” Was all he could muster up, the words heavy on his tongue. 

“I am too Chris. When you asked me if you should go to Korea to follow your dreams, I was reluctant to say yes, but seeing that was where you were truly happy, it made me happy even if I wasn’t a part of it anymore. Traveling over hundreds of miles to follow your dream, not knowing if you'll succeed I admired the guts you had, I remember the night you left, after crying myself to sleep, I promised I would take swimming seriously not only for my Dad or myself but to keep somewhat a piece of you close.” You intertwined your hands, both unable to control your sniffles and tears, you were thankful that the cafe was somewhat unoccupied currently giving you two a tad bit of privacy.

“And when you talked on the phone with me, you seemed so happy to be following your dreams, so I wanted to be proud of you so when you decided that you were too tired to talk to me it broke my heart.” You ended your speech continuing to sniffle as you attempted to calm yourself and wipe your tears. “We won’t be seeing each other for a while again so I hope that you’d continue to be happy here.” Making yourself look presentable as you prepared to exit the cafe as your ride back to the hotel arrived, leaning over the table you pressed a kiss to Chan’s cheek with a soft, “Thank You, Chris.” You barely gave him time to respond before you left him once again.

♡ ❤ ♡

You all had finished fixing up the plates and dishes before the boys began to settle in the living room to sleep. You tossed and turned in Chan’s bed, unable to sleep, as overwhelming thoughts began to cloud your mind.

You were shocked to the door opening softly, a figure trying to enter as quietly as you could. Knowing it could only be one person, you pretended to sleep, attempting to even your breathing.

“Aish, I miss you, like a lot.” the taller male whispered as he laid next to you. “I know I wasn’t able to be there for you, and that I messed up, but I regret not letting you know-” The bed shook with his sobs, you turned to meet his eyes startling him.

“You’ve apologized enough, Chris. Remember we had that video call, the day after I had visited your mom, and then you opened up to me, and I did too. We’ve forgiven one another so no need to be sorry.” You wipe his tears, combing your fingers through his blonde curls as he leans into your touch sighing at how comforting it is. “I’m sorry, that I wasn’t there for you either. You're making me cry again dammit, Chris.” You slapped his hand pretending to be angry with him as he held you close. A lot had occurred over the past few years, and you could notice how much time has changed him physically. Thank the lord for puberty cause he was hot hot.

You both went through your own set of struggles in life, though despite being away from one another you managed to overcome these. You’ve both grown mentally and physically, and you’re so proud of whom he has become, using his music to comfort the people around him, to inspire them to find their way. He really was your north star. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers as he holds you by the waist, you’re surprised the atmosphere isn’t that uncomfortable between you both. He still reminds you of home, your comfort. 

“I’m sorry too, I should’ve looked at things from your perspective.” You whisper in return. “So have you fallen in love with any Korean girls?” You ask him, eyes twinkling in amusement, flabbergasted by your query. 

“I can’t-”

“Even fall asleep.” You complete for him, saying one of his iconic lines during his reality show. “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself.”

“You’ve seen our reality show?” He blinks in surprise ignoring your second question.

“Well yeah, the boys are interesting by the way.” Remembering how loud the boys made you giggle, they were a chaotic bunch, especially the younger ones. Though they made Chan light up, even during the dinner, you observed how Chan would look like a proud dad observing his kids from afar, it was really heartwarming.

“You can be honest, they’re a handful. And to answer your question, no I haven’t fallen in love with any Korean girls, how about you, any hot swimmers you’ve kissed recently?” His question stirs up a lot of unresolved feelings. You wondered if kissing him back then was a good idea, it had proven your feelings for one another, though it made you unsure where you stood. 

You’re both 22, adults with very hectic jobs and schedules. And you may have forgiven one another though despite being adults, neither of you have had actual relationships, with Chan’s contract not allowing him to do so and you just never bothering to do so. So pretty much you both had no idea what to do with your lingering feelings.

“Well, not really.” You really hadn’t kissed any of the swimmers, you’ve had a few offers from different swimmers to take you on dates but it made you feel weird. You grimace, feeling the conversation tense up, you curse yourself for bringing up the idea of romantic relationships.

“(Y/n)” He breathes slowly, trying to calm his racing heart. “I can’t. Well not until we hit three years actually. It would not only put me at risk but also the boys.” Despite being out of touch with you, Chan knows about the dating rumors that had been encircling you and a fellow Australian swimmer, though knowing you, you would put aside your own happiness for his.

“Your contract I know. I’m not insinuating anything, it was just a question.” You huff, you roll unto your side, turning away from him. “It’s just that we’ve made a lot of sacrifices haven’t we? I can’t put you into a difficult situation that may tear you apart from your happiness.”

“That’s why I’m telling you to forget about me, go and date, I’m sure there's a lot of suitors waiting for your hand. I don’t want you to feel burdened by committing to me. And if we’re really meant to be it’ll happen.” He presses his chest unto your back, pressing a kiss unto your shoulder. “But I want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens, and that I want you to be happy not only for me but for yourself. Come to the beach with us.”

“Gosh, you can’t just tell me to go on dates then tell me you love me. Has sleep deprivation really messed with your head?” You feel his chest vibrate with his chuckles as he nuzzles into the crook of your neck. “This is cruel. But fate is always cruel I guess.” 

“Fate brought me to you.” 

“Gosh, when did you get so cheesy Chris?” You snicker, feeling his hands tighten over your waist, moments you shared with him always felt right. “We’re good right?” 

“Come swim with us tomorrow and then we’re good.” His breathing evens out signaling he’s fallen asleep. His soft breathing eventually lulls you to sleep. 

v.

The next morning you’re picked up in two black vans, the boys having hustled you into joining them swim at their hotel, bold statements claiming they want to see you swim and all that. You agree, only because the younger ones gave you puppy eyes that you couldn’t handle, and because you really couldn’t deny Hyunjin who had claimed he looked up to you.

The drive is loud which is expected, though it really had been a long time since you’ve hung out with a lot of people. It was different from your teammates, they'd invite you to go party with them after competitions, and that was pretty much it. You always found it difficult to grow closer with your teammates with most of them being older. And ever since your family had problems you had become aloof and distant, finding it difficult to interact with other people. Though with these boys it was different, they held such good energy with one another it was impossible not to take a liking to them. 

"Are you our noona?" Was Hyunjin's first question, as currently you were squeezed between Hyunjin and Chan with Felix and Seungmin in the back. You were told that they played rock paper scissors to get the order of choosing their seats. Chan was given an exception for today as he had a guest. 

"That's an older girl, right? Then yes I am your noona." You smile at him finding it cute how he tried his best to speak to you and ask questions about your training and daily rituals, from time to time he'd ask Chan a question in Korean before turning to you and continuing your conversation. 

The other two in the back would pitch in from time time, asking how you and Chan met and how you had started your interest in swimming. "Well my dad was a coach, he still is but he resides in Korea because of his wife, I visit him from time to time. We aren't really on good terms because of his wife." 

"By the way, my mom told me you came to visit your mom while you stayed with them, how is she?" Chan knew your mother had gotten sick recently, he had heard from his mother, you had always tried to keep your family hidden from the media, not only to protect their privacy but also to prevent any scandals. Though Chan was also sure it was to protect your own pride, it would put you in a difficult situation, it would cause a domino effect of rumors and assumptions to arise from the media. 

And despite your problems you were strong and Chan is really proud of how far you’ve come. “She’s fine, she’ll be hospitalized for a bit but she’s fine.” To the other boys, it would seem as if you were trying to reassure their leader but to Chan, it sounded as if you were trying to reassure yourself.

Trying to lighten the mood, Felix asks you about any funny stories you had about their oh-so responsible leader, but to their disappointment, you claim that Chan was too perfect and was the goody two shoes of your duo, and you refrained telling them any dirt on Chan claiming he had twice the amount of dirt on you. At your despair, Felix laughs with you agreeing that their leader can be scary. 

Something catches his eye as the light catches unto it, it’s your necklace, the shine it once had worn out due to the long years that had worn it out, but despite that you still wore it. The whale's tail sat just above the crevice between your collar bones, he had always called you an Orca, not only because Orcas were known for being the fastest whales, but he calls you this because of your weird sleeping habits.

Orcas need to be half-conscious even when they’re asleep in order to keep breathing in their sleep. And unbeknownst to you, you sleep talk in your sleep, not only murmurs and mumbling but rather full out conversations. Chan found this small tidbit of information during your first sleepover at his house, he had been so disturbed the next morning when you couldn’t recall your conversation about him the test you had earlier in the day.

The conversations lessened as you grew older, probably due to your developing bodies, but despite that he still calls you an Orca, when you had asked him why he had simply shrugged saying that you were the fastest swimmer and because it sounded cool. Though he had to admit he wished you had been more creative with your own nickname for him, Bangaroo wasn’t nearly as cool as the great predator, killer whale Orca (Y/n). 

You arrive in their hotel, the boys rushing to their hotel rooms to get changed into their swim trunks. Chan ushers you into his room, where he was rooming with Changbin, both boys enter the room to get a few stuff and change into their swim trunks. And you’re thankful you had changed in Chan’s house and was already wearing your own swimsuit underneath a pair of shorts and a shirt because it was difficult trying to keep up with their energy. And once more you’re ushered into the elevator and then into the pool.

You see Seungmin and Woojin by the side in their loungewear, you wave at them. Seungmin sips at his blended fruit shake, unable to exert himself because of the back injury that he had gotten during filming. “Hello Noona, are you racing Hyung today?” He smiles at you reminding you of the golden retriever one your teammates had.

Woojin mutters something in Korean to Seungmin you pick up words such as older and age it makes you wonder if he asked about your age in order to address you properly. The moment your shirt and shorts are off, strong arms swoop you off the floor and you shriek in shock as you’re thrown into the pool.

“CHRISTOPHER BANG” The boys laugh at the use of their leader’s full name, who merely smirks at you. 

“Think of all the times you pushed me into the pool when I was shorter than you!” You’re happy that despite living in Korea for a long time, his Australian accent is still prominent and you find it cute. 

The rest of the boys rush in Hyunjin screaming something in Korean along the lines of starting. You find some of the staff filming the boys to create some content for their fans, Chan explains to you that even though they’re topless they would still be edited with heart stickers to give them some privacy. Once they’re finished filming a few scenes of them swimming and playing around the staff allows you to join them in the pool. 

Chan excitedly tugs your hand towards the pool, a rush of emotions fills your heart reminding you of the days where you would challenge him to races. Frustrated to see someone beat you for the first time, though you had to admit it was nice to have someone to compete with, it drove you to push yourself to get better.

“Rules are we race one lap from this end to the other, rock paper scissors winner gets to choose the style.” Chan grins you, his dimple prominent as he explains his rules. “Oh and loser treats ice cream.”

“Fine by me.” You shrug. The boys whooping at your nonchalant and confident attitude as they begin to place their bets, ice cream also on the line. “Just so you know, I’m not going easy just because you’re an idol now.”

Felix bounces in excitement announcing that he’ll be the ref for the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Both you and Chan put out rocks, you hear him take a sharp inhale, knowing that the style would heavily affect who wins the race. "Kai, bai, bo!" Chan grins eyes twinkling in excitement before pumping his fist into the air. “Butterfly it is!” You deadpan as those who had bet on Chan jump ounce in excitement, namely, the ever so loyal 2Racha, Changbin, and Jisung and Woojin and Minho.

The rest of the Maknae line gives their own cheers of encouragement, with Hyunjin even claiming that you don’t have to be good at Rock paper scissors to be a good swimmer. You laugh at that one. 

Taking your positions, you toss Chan a grin. “It’s been a while.”

Felix gives the count. “3,2,1!” You push yourself into the cool waters, pacing yourself before you begin to rotate from you, your shoulder you break through the surface taking quick but paced breaths every time you come up. The boys gasp at your reaction time, your form, graceful as you dive. 

They easily see the difference between experience and professional training between you and Chan, easily taking the lead with your quick reaction time. Chan’s movements cut through the water, wherein yours are much softer yet quick, endurance and timing were definitely needed to master the butterfly stroke.

During your childhood, Chan easily beat you at endurance and how he used his breathing technique which is why you had never beaten him at the butterfly stroke. You still feel salty. Though because you now swam Individual Medley you pushed yourself to develop yourself in all four strokes instead of just focusing on one.

You feel Chan behind you, causing you to push yourself a few inches away from the end. You huff as you tap the wall, laughing as you come up from the water with a victorious “hah!” Chan’s shoulders shake in exhaustion from racing you, he huffs surfacing, he glares at you.

“Are you human?!”

The younger boys jump up and down in happiness, yelling out the flavors of ice cream they want. You laugh at Chan’s dumbfounded expression, pulling him out of the pool you toss him a wink. “I want some strawberry.”

You spend some more time with the boys in the pool, even watching them race one another, Hyunjin even gathers up the courage to ask if you could race him and give him criticism. You help him fix his arms and teach him how to save his stamina. With Chan’s help, the younger boy explains to you that even though they have such busy schedules, swimming is still his go to work out.

Later in the afternoon, the boys invite you to come to dinner with them, explaining that you should recommend the good restaurants around Melbourne before you leave tomorrow morning to resume training and classes because despite being an athlete you still had university to attend.

Changbin and Chan offer you their shower while they showered in the other’s boys’ room to give you some privacy. It’s only a matter of time before you’re rushed into their van, it seems that their life is always on the hustle and bustle, though it doesn’t really shock you with how their schedules are so tight. You wonder how they got to convince their manager to spend a free day like this. Well not exactly free because they had filmed yesterday and today, you could only imagine the amount of practice they would be doing tomorrow before their concert.

The drive to the restaurant is much quieter, with their energies toned down, you decide to take a nap leaning unto Chan's shoulder with Minho on your other side, Jisung and Changbin taking up the back.

Noting you’re asleep Minho asks, “Are you dating Hyung? You know we can’t at least not now.” 

Alarmed by the question, Chan checks your breathing to ensure you really are asleep and unconscious. “I know that I already talked about it with her. Plus she has someone waiting for her back in Sydney, I’ve decided to let her go. I can’t keep expecting her to keep waiting for me. She’s missing out on life.”

The romantics Han Jisung and Seo Changbin part their lips in awe at the words of their Hyung. “That’s like the manliest thing I’ve ever heard in my 18 years of living Hyung. Amazing.” 

“Though Hyung what if you’re the only one that could make her happy, what would you do? You can’t just keep deciding her happiness for her.” Minho perks up, the dancer admired how Chan had looked at you, it made him glow with so much emotion, erasing all signs of exhaustion from Chan.

“Well, we agreed to let time and fate decide whether it’s meant to happen. She respects that we’re on a dating ban and that I can’t put boys at risk. That’s why I decided to give her the push she needed without feeling guilty if she’s in love with someone else.” Chan glances at you nuzzled into his shoulder.

“Wah... I could make an entire album out of this.” Changbin mused feeling nothing but admiration for the older member.“

“Hmm. That’s a good idea.”

♡ ❤ ♡

After dinner you’re all taking walks down the pier heading for the well-known ice cream parlor Felix was familiar with. You argue with Chan on who gets to pay despite the bet, you tell him you rarely get to see him, and that he The company card paid for dinner already, you finish it with an elbow to his stomach to emphasize your claim.

During dinner the boys had asked if you would be watching their shows, you had told them your schedules were pretty hectic because of an upcoming qualifier match, and that you had only visited Melbourne to check up on your mother. You told them you would try to see if you could come to their Sydney show, which was closer to your university.

The boys could only watch your interaction with amusement, and luckily neither of you were recognized, despite them being idols and you being one of the youngest Olympic medalists. When none of the boys approach the counter to choose their flavors you threaten them with your elbow. Which causes them to rush towards the counter saying the flavors of ice cream they want. 

Now you’re all walking along the harbor enjoying your cups of ice cream, the boys give you and Chan some space, walking further from you both. And it's amusing that despite most of them are adults they all look like scheming kids, about to prank their parents. 

“Anyway tell me about him,” Chan says through a mouthful of vanilla ice cream, you chose for him. The question catches you off guard until you realize who he's talking about.

“You stalker! So you do know about the dating rumors!” You smack his arm, not caring if it would leave a bruise.

“OW! Well, it was all over the news this January, which is rare because you’re one of the athletes that like to keep your life private so I didn’t really stalk you.” He holds his arm close to him, rubbing at where you had hit him. ”Do you like him?”

“Well, he’s decent, though we're not dating. He’s a teammate though, he makes sure I don’t get left out of the team and he’s the same age as you and Woojin.” You play with your plastic soon, before scooping some strawberry ice cream into your mouth, you find it sweet and refreshing.

“So why aren’t you dating him?” Chan raises his eyebrow at you, pointing his spoon at you. 

“You know the answer to that Chris.”

“Yeah, that’s why I’m telling you to try it out with him. I give you my blessing.” He uses the spoon as if here about to dub you as your next knight. You roll your eyes at his childishness, you swear his dramatic streak comes from Hyunjin. “No but seriously, (Y/n).” Chan tosses his finished vanilla-flavored ice cream into the trash bin.

“Alright.”You scoop the remaining sweet strawberry ice cream into your mouth before tossing the cup into a trash bin.

“You better make good on that promise, you’re missing out on all those thic international swimmers.” God if he weren’t the love of your life you would’ve thrown him over the railings and into the sea. “Henry, looks tasty, why don’t you get a taste of that?” At the mention of one of your closer teammates you flush.

“Ugh, you’re gross!” You start hitting him as he wiggles his eyebrows suggestively

 “Ow! Ow!” Despite his yelps, he’s still laughing, before he starts running to avoid your hits.

It doesn’t take you long to catch him, launching yourself onto his back, luckily he doesn’t collapse at your weight, he easily maneuvers your body so that you’re piggyback riding him comfortably. Sometimes you forget you’re both grown adults and you’re reminded by this at your close proximity.

Everything's good until a camera flashes in front of you, ready to tug down the cap you both wore and yell at whoever took your picture for invading both your privacy though luckily it’s just Hyunjin. “Ah, young love.” He looks into his phone pleased by his candid shot.

“Yah! You scared me.” Chan frowns at the younger boy, still blinking out the effects of the bright flash.

“Manager Hyung says we have to go, we have to drop off Y/n at your parents’ house.” Hyunjin gestures at the other members who currently were playing rock paper scissors as they wait for the car. 

You hear a loud “Yes!”, with one of the boys arguing in Korean along the lines of something being unfair. They’re a good bunch of those boys, they compliment Chan’s playfulness. It's good to see how they complete one another. After your mother had talked to you about how much Chan had struggled in Korea it broke your heart. Though maybe he was right. It was better for you both to not make any promises to the other. Knowing that both your careers were so demanding, long-distance relationships never worked, you knew that. 

The car ride is quiet, this time you were seated in between Felix and Chan, with Jeongin and Jisung in the back. You had said your farewells to the other boys, they had to head back earlier to rest up in the hotel, with Seungmin and Changbin still healing their injuries, Minho, Woojin, and Hyunjin had accompanied them. They had each given you little waves of their own, saying to contact them if you’d be visiting Korea. Though not before asking you to take a picture with them, Hyunjin even gathered up his own courage to take a solo picture with him and asked for your social media details. And during the time Chan was talking to their manager, he had asked for a hug, he explains that he’s too shy to do it in front of his Hyung.

Chan’s asleep along with Jisung and Jeongin. Soft little snores escaping him, finding himself comfortable against your shoulder. “You make each other really happy you know,” Felix smiles at you. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

“It’s been a while since I saw him, so yeah it’s been a roller coaster of emotions.” You brush through his blonde curls, missing his darker ones. You liked seeing him bare-faced and with his natural hair color, all the makeup, and dyeing, reminded of how much pressure these boys go through to look perfect. “You lived in Sydney, right? I heard from Chan you went to St. Patrick’s. I go to Griffith so it’s sports-oriented. What’s it like studying at a catholic school.”

“Well we have classes on religion, the dress code is pretty strict, but besides that, it’s pretty normal.” Felix shrugs, Catholic schools had a lot of misconceptions about them despite being pretty normal. “It must be amazing studying at Griffith, I heard you have to be invited by either the head or the assistant head coach to get in there.”

“Yeah, a representative visited me on our graduation, to be honest, I wouldn’t have taken it if Chan hadn’t decided to go to Korea. And god knows what I’d be doing if I wasn’t at their program.” With a negligent family like yours, it would’ve gotten you into trouble with just the right amount of bad influence. “Though it’s tiring, having so many expectations on your shoulders, to keep breaking records, placing and improving. But that’s life, isn’t it? Chasing after perfection which you’d never be able to achieve.”

“Hmm, yeah we were designed with that mentality and it’s sad. So much criticism in the world about every single imperfection.” Felix sighs, reminiscing his hardships he had experienced during the reality show. 

“I admire you boys, seeing your survival show gave me a lot of strength, it helped me understand Chan better. You boys are doing well, don’t worry too much about it.” Reaching around Chan’s shoulders you give him a tight squeeze on his arm. “Take care of Chris for me Lix, remind him to eat and sleep.” You sigh couldn’t help but worry for your best friend.

“I will noona.” You exchange social media details with the younger boy, promising to keep in touch from time to time. The car comes to a halt in front of the Bang Residence, just in time when Chan blinks out the sleep from his eyes, yawning before he realizes you’ve stopped in front of his house.

You exit first, their manager getting off to help you get your bag from the trunk. You mutter your thanks in Korean to their manager, as Chan steps out from the car to say his own goodbye. He engulfs you in a hug, you take a whiff of his cologne breathing in the comforting smell. 

How many times must we keep repeating our goodbyes.

He presses a kiss unto your forehead, letting his chin rest on top of yours. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

“Okay” You whisper into his chest, trying to imprint into your memory how his heartbeat sounded. 

“Can I kiss you? Just one last time.” You nod, he tilts your head, pressing his lips onto yours gently. He cradles your cheeks so gently and you’re surprised at how he tastes like vanilla, it immediately comforts you, reminding you of all your childhood memories with him. His other hand holds you by the waist as you tangle yours by his nape, playing with the tufts of blonde curls. Time seemed to stand still, and everything was so perfect, everything felt so perfect.

You part from, slowly opening your eyes to meet him. He’s so beautiful like this, your north star. You get up onto the tip of your toes, you tilt his head down, reaching to press a soft kiss unto your forehead. “Goodbye, Chris.”

When had Vanilla begun tasting bittersweet?

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it, you’re back in training. You had been so tired from your flight you had slept in and were late to morning training, and currently doing extra laps with weights. God, do I hate weights. 

Morning training goes quickly, and your reaction time is terrible today. So you find yourself doing more laps than necessary, to make up for your mistakes. The moment you’re finished you see Henry by the end of the pool, offering a hand to help you out of the pool. 

You see him in his casual clothes, ready for his classes. You take his hand careful not to drench him as he pulls you out of the pool. “Don’t you have classes?” You ask him curious about what made him wait for you, you had to agree with Chan he is cute. You may be biased but Korean- Australians are cuter.

“Well, prof canceled today so we both don’t have classes” Just like you, Henry Young majored in Sports Sciences. From time to time you forget you shared most of your classes with the Chinese- Australian, Henry often hung out with his clique which consisted of a lot of jocks which would explain why you rarely interacted with him.

“Is that so?” You humm from the locker rooms, you’re skimming through your gym bag, surprised to see a box, you wonder where this could’ve come from. You open the box to find a necklace similar to yours, instinctively your hands reach for the whale’s tail that sat above the crevice between your collarbone. You realize it’s much pricier with how intricate the design is and then you find an engraving saying find your happiness.

You peek your head out from the locker rooms shocking Henry who had been waiting. “Hey, Henry does your offer on that date still stand?” 

He perks up at this mouth parting in surprise as he blinks.”Yes! Of course!”

You smile, Chan’s words ringing in the back of your head. “No more promises of waiting. Only promising each other to do the things that make you happy, even if it means loving someone else okay?”

vi.

Felix can feel his chest swell with pride at being able to take care of the older members, it makes him happy to be able to reassure his Hyungs that they could rely on him and the younger members. Especially their leader, Chan,  looks out so much for the younger members yet forgets to take care of himself, he puts so much pressure on himself that it hurts to see him like this. 

The younger Australian continues stirring the soup he was making for dinner, the comforting aroma surrounding their apartment. His phone on the counter lets out a soft ping, he reaches for it to check his notifications, and just on schedule, it’s your little notes for the members. 

It’s almost been a year and a half since they had visited Australia as a group and since then, you and Felix would send each other little notes. The notes would range from a series of “how are you?”, “Good luck” and “Congratulations”. From time to time Felix would just share tea with one another, like what happened at the latest frat party you attended with your members, or which idols had attempted to ask out their older seniors. 

Out of all the members, Felix had become your closest member after Chan, finding comfort in your similarities and shared experiences as Aussies. Opening your message he almost drops his phone into the stockpot in shock.

Aussie Swimmer 

Chris has been keeping me on delivered, is he alright? Or is he cooped up producing again? Please remind him to eat and not to overwork himself, the others too stay safe! Miss you guys! Might be dropping by on the weekend for a tournament I might bring Henry along if you don’t mind?

Henry huh? Felix blinks at the message, he knows you’ve been official for some time now, about three months after they had visited Australia, both swimmers had posted on their personal Instagram account, catching the whole sports community off guard. Trending as the powerful swimming couple, with you as one of the youngest females to win gold for the Individual Medley and Henry Young holding the fastest time for the Men’s 100M Backstroke. 

Felix had to admit you both looked good together, (everyone has already been expecting you both to create talented swimming babies.) He remembered how Chan had reacted to the news, they had been at practice when the news had gone viral. It immediately eliminated all dating rumors between you and Chan, after eagle-eyed STAYs has connected pictures of you and Chan during your childhood, and after seeing some of your Instagram pictures with their leader.

Chan had gone silent for the rest of the day, though later on, Felix had seen the older male video calling you. Tediously sharing every detail of how Henry had greeted you with a fragrant bouquet, before taking you to an Italian restaurant for dinner. Followed by a tour in a scenic arts museum, where he surprised you with a gorgeous yet simple bracelet and then asked you to be his girlfriend.

The leader had merely nodded and listened to you with a dimpled smile at how excited you glowed. Chan could definitely see that the swimmer has been making you very happy, with how blooming he’s seen you in your latest Instagram posts and the candid pictures the media has released of you. 

Felix ponders whether you’ve told Chan about you arriving this weekend, you’ve visited Korea a few times, meeting up with the boys if both your schedules permitted as there are times you fly in and out for a tournament or workshop, though sometimes you visit your dad after Chan’s advice to try and make things better with your dad.

Most of the boys had noticed a pattern with Chan, usually every single time news of you and your boyfriend starts trending, they’d find him cooping himself up for at least a day before he meets with Han and Changbin handing in a new track for them to make lyrics for.

Minho being the eldest after Chan had brought it up with their Manager concerned at Chan’s unhealthy habits. Their Manager reassured them saying that as long as Chan remembers to rest and eat every time he locks himself up he’ll be fine. And besides most of the boys were scared to actually confront the eldest member about it.

Finishing his cooking, he calls the boys for dinner, and he’s surprised to see a zombie-like Chan approaching the table before he takes a seat at the head. Seungmin helps set the table, as the other members emerge from the different corners of their shared apartment, each member has their own response to seeing the leader out of his room and joining them to eat.

“Wah.. Lix, that smells good, good job.” Changbin pauses at seeing the older member but says nothing, choosing to ruffle the younger member’s hair by taking a seat next to him. 

Taking their seats the members converse about their schedules for the next few days, and plans. “Bin, I have a new track I think you’d like,” Chan gulps down a spoonful of rice causing the rapper’s eyes to widen. “Actually a few tracks.” 

“How many tracks did you produce this time Hyung?” Han munches on his food addressing the older leader. "You've been getting a lot of inspiration lately haven- AH!" 

His question is interrupted as Minho shoves a well-deserved elbow into his side, Jisung glares at the older member looking around whether someone would come to his defense but to his disappointment, they all continue eating as if nothing had happened. 

Felix decides to save the news for later at a much more discreet time with the older members of the group, fearing the same reaction from Minho. Though we all know despite being born a day apart Jisung is bullied while Felix is babied. Leaning into Changbin he whispers, "Hyung, can I talk to you later." 

"Hmm, sure what's it about?" Changbin whispers discreetly trying to avoid gaining the attention of their eldest leader who was currently occupied watching Seungmin and Hyunjin argue over a certain Korean drama they were both engrossed in over the past few days.

"It's about Y/n" Felix lowers his voice, eyeing the leader across the table. 

Changbin meets his eyes nodding at him, having an idea on what the conversation might be about. "Okay we'll take a walk after dinner." 

Luckily the members don't find it too unusual when Changbin and Felix tell them they'll be taking a walk to the mart down the street to pick up some ice cream. Instead, they all shout the different flavors they want, teasing the rapper that he wouldn’t be allowed back in the dorm if he doesn’t buy it, so here they are enjoying the bright nightlife of Seoul.

"Noona's arriving this weekend, she has a tournament on Saturday. She's asking whether we want to meet up." Felix tells the older boy, observing how he bites his lip, signifying how he filters out his words.

“I suspected something like that happened, I saw hyung’s phone by accident-”

“She wants to introduce Henry to us.” This silences the older rapper, he had only seen the message that reader would be visiting, which is why he hadn’t questioned Chan’s lock up this time. 

“Oh.” Is all that he can say, he doesn’t really know what to do with this information, but he has to admit it was only a matter of time before Chan and Henry would meet. It would only make sense for Henry to meet Chan to get the approval of your best friend.

“We can say we’re busy hyung, I can lie to her, well it isn’t really a lie but a white lie.” Felix says this out of worry for his leader. Though Changbin can’t have Felix doing that, breaking his Noona’s trust for Hyung's. It’s Chan who got them into this mess so he’d have to deal with the consequences.

“No Lix, you don’t have to, this weekend is a free day anyway, I’m sure our manager doesn’t mind. And I’ll talk to Minho Hyung for a plan.”

“Oh alright. I’ll leave it to you then.” Changbin ruffles Felix’s hair, the younger boy always wanted the best for his Hyungs even if it required compromising or sacrificing. The older member always found it so endearing.

♡ ❤ ♡

Orca Y/n

Hey Bangaroo! I’m visiting this weekend, I have a tournament this Saturday. Are you free for dinner? I want you to meet Henry, he’s been dying to meet the man that “entangled our fates together” or something like that. Anyway I miss you, please take care of yourself. 

Chan tosses his phone on the bed before he runs his hands through his hair frustrated. God do I hate this.

vii.

Their manager leads them up the stairs and into the indoor pool, the venue is packed with swimmers from different universities and countries. They sit higher up in order to avoid the crowds, and they’re just in time when they see you enter the hall representing your country with your team jacket. 

Felix easily spots you with the pair of eye goggles he had given you during your last birthday. He had really wanted to give you something as you had given him a new game for his birthday. He had even asked Chan for help to choose which ones he should get, he was also worried that you wore sponsored one during competitions but he’s happy to see you wearing the ones he had personally given you. 

“Look it’s noona!.” Hyunjin points at your small figure, stepping up unto the starting block stretching as you wait for the signal.

3racha had stayed behind for a meeting with their boss for the critique on the upcoming album, they had promised to meet up at the restaurant once they finished up. Minho could only pray and hope that they won’t miss dinner and make it awkward with Y/n thinking that her boyfriend had made Chan uncomfortable and would make his younger members fend for themselves.

Y/n would only be participating in one race today which would be the 200M Individual Medley, the boys had planned to surprise her in front of the locker rooms once she finishes the race. The younger boys could only imagine your reaction once you received the bouquet they had prepared.

“Look, it's starting,” Jeongin tells the other members under his mask, the boys could only watch in awe at how you moved differently from the other swimmers. Your reaction time on the spot as your back arches, diving into the pool's waters.

It makes Seungmin ponder about the possibility of mermaids as you swim, starting with the butterfly stroke as you gracefully propel yourself across the pool, pacing yourself knowing that this was the style you had the most difficult it would make sense no to tire yourself out. 

Once you reach the end you push against the touchpad to gain momentum moving unto the backstroke. “Isn’t Noona’s specialty free?” Seungmin asks Felix who was much more knowledgeable in swimming compared to the younger boy.

“Yeah, it is. It’s amazing that she has to swim in four different styles.” Felix responds to the vocalist, who sits at the edge of his seat in anticipation of the results. 

“She won a medal in the Olympics for this category.” Jeongin grins from where he sits, watching his hyung part his lips in amazement. 

“Look she’s almost done!” Seeing you in your last lap and specialty made the younger boys part their lips in awe at how you accelerated pushing yourself to finish the race. 

And by the time you finish first, the boys are heading down to wait for you outside the locker room to surprise you. They see you with Henry, the older male helping you with your gym bag, your eyes are immediately widening at the sight of them. Minho hands you the bouquet with a small smile, the boys chest swell with pride at your reaction to the flowers they had argued about which to get in the flower shop.

“Thank you, you guys didn’t have to do all this!” You’re pulling them in for hugs. Luckily there aren’t that much people in the lobby with everyone still watching the other races, Henry had finished his race before yours. “Henry, these are Chris’s friends, Jeongin, Minho, Seungmin, Felix, and Hyunjin, he used to swim.”  Each boy waves at the mention of their name, sending your boyfriend a polite smile.

“No no, not as good as you Noona.” The younger boy smiles as you ruffle his head.

“Where’s Chris? And Bin and Hannie?” Your eyes scan the area, hoping that the loud trio would jump out of something to scare you.

“They’re still at a meeting with PD-nim, they’ll be meeting us at the restaurant.” Felix ruffles your hair, leading you to where their cars wait.

“Oh, okay.” 

♡ ❤ ♡ 

Chan’s leg bounces up and down in anxiety as they wait for the other boys and the Australian couple. He’s spent the last few minutes playing on his phone, looking at the menu, coloring in the coloring book that came with the kids menu, locking and unlocking his phone basically looking for things to distract him and his nerves.

Changbin eyes him from where he sits right next to him, feeling his anxious energy radiate off him in waves. Concerned he sends a kick to the younger producer who sat across him, jolting in pain he sends a glare to Changbin who gestures to check his phone

Hannie  ♡  

Yah. Was that kick necessary you jerk? What do you want?

                                                                                                                          Bin

                                                                       Chan looks like he’s about to sprint.

Hannie  ♡ 

He does. What do you want me to do? tie him up? 

                                                                                                                         Bin

                                                                       Idiot no, I’m just concerned for him

Hannie  ♡ 

This is Chan Hyung we're talking about he’ll be fine trust me. 

Han’s messages do nothing to reassure the older rapper, who could only hope that this dinner goes well. Changbin’s phone buzzes but this time it isn’t from Han, instead it’s from Hyunjin.

Hyunjinnie ♡ 

We’re pulling up Hyung.

God she’s beautiful.  It is the first thought that comes to Chan’s mind as you’re walking towards him. Chan wonders if this is what it's like to see your bride for the first time, his heart skips a beat at the thought of you in a white dress. You’re dressed in a simple hoodie, jeans and sneakers just like the rest of the boys, yet Chan feels like he could marry you right here and right now.

The unpleasant feeling is back in the pit of his stomach as he sees her hand intertwined with the Chinese- Australian he recognizes as Henry Young. The younger swimmer is blooming as she approaches the older boy beaming at him with such a radiant and sunny smile. Chan wishes the earth would open up a hole to swallow him up at how giddy you looked.

“Chris!” The idol could only smile, standing to greet you with a tight hug ignoring the fact that you’re blatantly being affectionate in front of your boyfriend. “I missed you so much!” The last he’s seen you was last Christmas in Australia, you had been so busy with university and preparations for the qualifiers for the next Olympics you could only come to Korea for tournaments or to train.

Chan sees the female swimmer reach behind her to introduce her boyfriend, who had been timidly watching the interaction between you two. Chan offers his hand to introduce himself, “Christopher Bang, leader of the upcoming group Stray Kids, don’t worry I’ve heard all about you. Henry Young.” The older man tells the idol.

“I hope it’s all good things.” Chan chuckles glancing at his best friend.

“Trust me they are.” Henry tightens his grip, and Chan isn’t exactly sure what it means but Henry releases his grip. Rounding the table to take a seat next to her girlfriend who sits across Chan. 

Dinner goes smoothly, the playful banter between Chan and Y/n does not go unnoticed by the other members as they tease each other on the upcoming album, with the swimmer pouting at how discreet the leader was about their upcoming album. 

“Hey Bang if I break my next record you have to let me listen to one song!” She attempts to persuade the idol who merely chuckles at how cute she’s being. “Binnie, Hannie come on help me out here.” 

“Aish, don’t drag me into this Y/n.” The other producer tells her in English, and she’s extremely well at how good Changbin’s pronunciation has gotten over the few months. “That’s up to Hyung to decide.”

“Don’t worry I got you Y/n, I’ll slip you the file later.” Han winks from where he’s seated next to her. “It’ll be our little secret. Or not. You’re on your own, my good friend.” Seeing Chan raise an eyebrow at the younger producer's antics makes Han’s heart fill with dread.

“Why’re you being so secretive about it? You always let me hear snippets of your song.” Chan sees her cross her arms over her chest, frowning at how the other members smile as you banter with Chan.

“The company compels us to, Noona.” Hyunjin cuts through your banter and Chan thanks his lucky stars for the dancer. The younger member had been studying English nonstop the past few days ever since he had known you’d be visiting. He’s been excited to have a conversation with you. 

Though honestly, the real reason why Chan had been so secretive about their music was that it had involved a lot of sappy and melancholic music about love. And Chan’s unsure of how’d you react to an entire album being dedicated to you, it’s probably best if you don’t find out about it for now. 

Chan notices how quiet the older swimmer had been ever since he had been bantering with his best friend. He turns to the other Australian who picks at food before he feels Chan's gaze at him, their eyes meet and he offers Chan a polite yet vacant smile. 

“Noona, since Hyung won’t show you a snippet of the music I offer you this.” Minho does their key point in their choreography, the other boys giggling at your confused expression watching you ask them to enlighten you whether the four counts of choreography Minho had done would be in the chorus, bridge or verses.

“Yah, Lee Minho, if this isn’t in the choreography, I swear I’ll come back here to hit you.” Chan could only feel pride swell within your chest as you speak in Korean to the main dancer. You had begun studying and practicing the language after realizing you’d be coming here often to either teach or swim.

And before they know it they’re taking a walk, the maknae line stealing your attention as they help practice your Korean, asking you random questions and translating if you find it difficult to answer, the questions range from what your favorite color is to your favorite season, animal and member. They argue for third place knowing Chan and Felix were your first and second respectively.

And to Chan’s shock, he finds your boyfriend by his side. “She’s gorgeous isn’t she?” The swimmer turns to Chan with a sigh, “You look at her in a certain way.”

Chan doesn’t respond to that, instead he tells the older boy. “Thank you for being there for her, for taking good care of her she means a lot to me.” They watch the younger members tease the female swimmer over something laughing in a carefree manner.

“I know that she means a lot to you, she’s also really important to me. So you don’t have to give me that lecture of taking care of her or hurting her. I really love her.” He sees Henry sigh, dazed as he looks at nothing else but you. 

“Don’t worry I wasn’t”

“Oh no you don’t I knew you were going to give me one. I also know that you were a catalyst in Y/n finally agreeing to go out with me. So I’d like to thank you for that.” Henry pats Chan’s shoulder awkwardly but in genuine gratitude. “I never knew if she’d say yes, though even if she didn’t I’d still want to be her friend.”

“Why’d you stick around? She’s not exactly friendly with a lot of people.” The golden necklace twinkles under the night’s sky as you converse with the other boys. Chan’s glad that you’ve kept his little gift, it suits you the whale’s tail, it’s like a huge part of your persona. 

“I don’t really know, the other swimmers had completely given up trying to get to know her, that’s why she swims individual medley despite the fact that she’d make a powerful anchor for the relay. I had to admit that I found her pretty at first but I just didn’t like how the other swimmers call her a stuck up just cause she doesn’t hang out with us. I also share a lot of classes with her but I know that she didn’t really notice.” Chan recognizes the look Henry gives you it’s just as Henry had said, he looked at her in a certain way. “There’s just so much to admire about her, I also know she’s been through a lot. I also know that she’s completely in love with you and you might be as well, but that doesn’t really matter because if you really loved her nothing would stop you from being her boyfriend. She’s strong and amazing, she also has her flaws but Chris I have to be frank, she’s been through a lot, she’s still going through a lot, but despite that, I won’t leave her, in fact, I want to stay by her side, and be her strength, I want to be what you had failed to be for her.”

And right there everything seems to shatter before him. 

viii.

“Do you think he’s broken?” Jisung whispers to the older rapper trying not to disturb the other older member who had been producing nonstop for the past three days. The older rapper quickly hushes Jisung before pulling him out of their leader’s room. “He hasn’t been out of your room for the past three days, he only comes out to go to the bathroom and to pick up some snacks and water from the kitchen. He hasn’t talked to any of us and hasn’t been attending practices either.” 

“Minho and I already talked to Manager Hyung, he relayed a message from PD-nim saying it would be best to leave him for the next few days and let him come to us.” Changbin sighs stressed at the responsibility that now has been given to him.

“But he hasn’t been eating! Nor sleeping! What do we do when Noona starts looking for him? When STAYs start looking for him? Huh?!" Jisung has never seen Chan like this, he had never expected him to take the news this bad. Ever since your dating news began trending because of your recent Instagram post making things official with the Australian swimmer. "I don't get it, Hyung wanted this for Noona why-" 

Jisung is interrupted with the room to Chan's door opening, both boys felt sudden chills run down their spines, a gloomy aura emanating from the figure slowly exiting the room. Both boys turned towards their leader, with his hood up, the members knew that their leader had the capability to be scary but the aura he was releasing was full out terrifying. 

“Hyung how are you?” Changbin says this slowly so as not to scare the producer back into his room. Both members get no response from their leader, as he walks past them and into the kitchen. 

“What the hell was that?” Han mouths to the older rapper, who merely shrugs not knowing what to do with their leader either. 

“I don’t know either Sung.” 

They move to the kitchen, observing their leader drag himself towards the fridge reaching for the second tub of ice cream. Han sees the other members by the doorway, frozen in shock after seeing their leader for the first time in three days. His eyes meet with Felix, tilting his head to signal the others to avoid their leader.

They tiptoe around their dorm, trying to move as quietly as possible, in the eyes of others they probably look like a bunch of hunters trying to surround their prey. Though in reality, it was the complete opposite, they were the gazelles trying to stealthily escape the predator, which also happened to be their leader.

Chan holds the ice cream, to his chest, the tense silence is broken by the loud clack of the plastic tub meeting the tiled floor. Chan drops to his knees burying his head as he starts sniffling clutching his knees to his chest curling up. The remaining members freeze as their leader drops to his knees curling up next to the refrigerator, the boys go through a series of thoughts on what to do and how to help. 

Minho moves first, picking Chan up by the armpits as he maneuvers the eldest to their couch, Changbin could only sigh as he picks up the forgotten tub of vanilla-flavored ice cream on the floor. Minho rubs at Chan’s back attempting to calm his hiccups and sniffles, Felix approaches the older leader offering a box of tissues to Hyunjin who dabs at Chan’s tear-stained cheeks. 

Jeongin from the corner moves to offer Chan a glass of water helping him sip at using a straw as Seungmin goes into the kitchen to start dinner. Changbin approaches the leader, pulling the hood down as they’re met by red puffy eyes and bags under his eyes.

“Ah Hyung, let it all out, it’s alright.” Changbin rubs at their leader’s unruly blond hair, Chan leaning into their comfort as they reassure him. It was rare to see Chan like this, they often came to let out their pent up emotions to the older members, though with Chan he rarely opened about what he felt, choosing to carry the burden on his own.

After he calms himself, Minho encourages the older boy to shower saying it would make him feel better. Minho guides Chan into the bathroom saying that he’d prepare him a new set of clothes. Once they hear the water running, Minho calls the other boys to come and help him, Seungmin, Han, and Changbin enter the room, leaving the rest of the boys to help with dinner.

Changbin starts with arranging his production equipment, making sure everything was saved he sets the laptop aside. Seungmin collects the plastic bottle, packets of food, and cup noodles, scattered around the room tossing them into the garbage bag he holds. Minho begins stripping the sheets and exchanging them for newer ones while Han pulls out a new pair of pajamas setting them aside for the eldest, they move around one another finishing it with an air freshener.

The rest of the members find themselves under Felix’s command as they prepare dinner, Jeongin sets the table as Hyunjin helps Felix by preparing the vegetables. Usually, it would be Chan cooking for the younger members making sure they eat good food rather than ordering fast food all the time. 

They eat in the living room, putting on a disney movie as they transfer their beds to the living room. Watching in silence as they provide the comfort their eldest member needed. 

ix.

It’s been a few months since you visited Korea, it bothered you how much Chan’s messages had become single worded responses ever since you visited. He rarely initiates conversations you had even asked Felix about it over facetime, he shrugged his shoulders saying that the older member was just stressed. 

Something didn’t feel right. Henry pauses seeing you distracted as you stare out the window of the restaurant, finding the scenery interesting rather than your date. “Y/n, what’s on your mind?” It worries Henry to see you like this, ever since you had opened up about your nightmares, he had been looking out for your health more often, knowing the stress that came with this career, you needed someone by your side. 

He had lost his brother to this career, and he couldn’t bear another amazing person losing themselves to the demands and pressure of this career. Which is probably why he had found himself so drawn to you, despite running in different cliques, your introverted nature fit your extroverted one perfectly.

“Nothing, it's just that Chris has been ignoring me lately.” You turn to the older male, he sees the stress pull at your features, the bags under your eyes seem much darker than usual, and he’s curious whether how much sleep you’ve been getting lately. 

Ah, Christopher. Ever since their meeting and conversation, the Australian Idol has also been constantly popping up in Henry’s thoughts, it made him wonder why you both weren’t together and how the Idol only seemed to bring you more stress.

“Maybe he’s just busy Y/n, you know him, he’s always producing and stuff.” His words do nothing to ease your furrowed brows, “We have double periods as free time before training, come sleep in my dorms, you look like you need it.” 

It concerns Henry, how much your nightmares seemed to plague your thoughts and sleep, especially as an athlete it was completely unhealthy, you’ve been losing weight over it as well. If Henry didn’t show up at your place with food, you’d probably have skin hanging off your bones. 

It makes the older male wonder whether your coach has noticed, he probably had with your times being inconsistent, it put pressure on the team more than ever with the qualifiers for the Olympics looming over your heads, it would only be a matter of time. 

The moment you enter his apartment, you make your way to his room finding comfort in the warm sheets. Henry could only smile at how you bury yourself into your sheets making yourself smaller than you already are, he sets an alarm in case he falls asleep, less the coach berates them for being late. 

It was hard enough when they announced their relationship, knowing that the team prioritizes the competition more than anything else. Luckily the coach hadn’t made it a big of a deal with both Henry and Y/n being important assets to the team.

He finds himself lying in bed next to you, scooting closer to him you breathe in his scent, it helps you sleep. He’s glad to be able to help you erase the anxieties and thoughts that plagued you at night. He had seen how it had destroyed his older brother, he could only hope and pray  that it wouldn’t lead to your demise. 

He’s happy to see your rhythmic breathing come out calmly and evenly, he wonders if you can hear how far his heart is beating, he runs his hands through your hair, massaging his fingers into your scalp. “I wish I could take all your troubles away Y/n but I’m only human.”I’d give you the world if I could.”

Henry sees you open your eyes carefully, adjusting to the light before her tired eyes meet Henry’s. “Hello, Henry.”

“Did you sleep?” He whispers into the crown of your head, continuing to massage his fingers into your scalp, finding you lean into his touch as it helps you relax.

“A bit, I’m still tired though.” 

“Sleep then-”

“Do you think about marriage, Henry?”

 Henry finds himself startled by the question, curious unto what had brought the thought into your head he asks. “I do, but why are you asking this?”

“It’s just that this was under your pillow.” You pull out the velvet box from under his pillow, he swears to himself, forgetting that he had left it on the bedside table. He had bought it for you a few months ago before you had both left for Korea he had planned to give it to you after the qualifiers for the Olympics but as he had been caught red-handed he might as well do it now.

“You can open it, it's for you.” He pushes back a strand of hair behind your ear, before he starts rubbing his thumb against your temple, to release the tensions in between your eyebrows. Your lips part in awe as you find a simple band elegantly crafted and designed with diamonds it forms a small v in the middle. 

“Don’t stress over it, it’s a promise ring. I planned to give you this once we both qualify for the Olympics, don’t worry I’m not asking you to marry me Y/n I know you love Chris too much to get yourself engaged to me.”

“What?” You look at him confused at his statement, he presses a kiss into the crown of your head. 

“This promise ring doesn’t promise yourself to me, but rather it symbolizes a promise to me that you’ll find happiness within yourself, and it doesn’t have to be me. This ring is also a promise to take care of yourself, it’s a reminder that you don’t have to carry that burden alone, that you can come to us, to me. I love you, Y/n, but I know you love Chris. I’ll be here for you, to help you find happiness and to take care of you but as your friend. We’ve had a good run, don’t you think, almost 2 years?” Henry presses a soft kiss unto her lips, he smiles understanding he continues cuddling you.

“I’m sorry, Henry.” Is all that you could say to him, he allows you to pull him closer, helping you wipe your tears. 

You both skip practice that day, telling the coach you had an emergency. That doesn’t let you off from additional laps though.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Why do you swim.” It takes you a while to realize you’re looking at yourself, the 14-year-old you, who'd had been put under so much pressure by your father, had been neglected by your mother and had been left behind by the only person in the world you had thought you trust.

Had you really been like this? The wistful flecks on your dark hues brought such a melancholic feeling within you, it made you wonder when had you become so abandoned and pessimistic. It makes you ponder, Are you still like this?

Looking around you find yourself in the same ice cream parlor you had spent most of your childhood with Chan, with the same booths, flooring, and walls. Everything seemed so real though one thing stood out to you the most, the parlor didn’t have the same pleasant warmth it once had. You find your pallidly familiar vanilla ice cream in front of you and instead of the childlike smile it brings a bitter taste to your mouth.

“Why do you swim?” She repeats it louder this time interrupting your train of thoughts, and observations. She’s almost yelling as she repeats the same phrase for a third time, this time gripping your wrist with a tight vice, she glares at you, dark and penetrating as tears begin to stain her cheeks slowly. “WHY?”

You open your mouth to answer her but you’re unable to do so, the words get caught up in your throat choking you as you gasp for air. Suddenly everything comes to a stop, your gasps for air, the clock by the counter, and even the ceiling fans and in a blink of an eye you’re sitting again in the same booth but the younger version of you is gone.

You’re alone in the parlor until you hear the wind chimes by the entrance twinkling signaling a customer. You’re familiar with this one, his dimpled and charming smile, innocent yet passionate eyes, his dark curls and if you observe him closely you can see light freckles spread across his cheekbones. You find in awe unconsciously parting your lips in a gasp as his younger self takes a seat in front of you. 

He throws you a lopsided grin at you, his dimple prominent. “I’m late, aren’t I? I guess I’ll be buying ice cream.” You move before you even realize you're holding his wrist, he looks back at you tilting his head in concern. “Are you alright (Y/n)?” Blinking his voice is laced with endearment. 

Even you’re startled at yourself at how you had reacted. “Uh, yeah, sorry but I already have ice cream.” sheepishly gesturing to the cup of vanilla on the table, his lips are making an “O” in realization, not having seen the cup next to you. 

“Ah you’re right, well, I’ll be saving my money then.” Softly releasing your grip on his wrist, the 14-year-old Chan takes a seat in front of you, still dressed in your school's uniform making you realize he had probably come from his advanced math classes.

While you trained daily for swimming, Chan would do it every other day, alternating between his music and his advanced classes, if he weren’t training he would meet up with you here in this parlor to study. Shouldn’t you have realized by then, that your paths were meant to separate later on?

“Can I hug you?” You ask the younger boy, the question seems to startle him, but nonetheless he circles the booth taking a seat next to you, opening up his arms to accommodate you. You seek his warmth, you turn towards the glass that kept the various flavors of ice cream. And you see both your reflections, his smaller and younger persona hugging your bigger and older form. It made you smile, how adorable you both looked. 

“Do you still swim, (Y/n)?” His voice whispers into your shoulder, at this you can only nod, still not having the ability to speak. “You’re going to be a great swimmer Y/n, you’re going to be amazing.” His voice suddenly deepens, much more masculine and older. You see the older version of him, the current him, same prominent right dimple, same curls and light freckles. Though his eyes are different, the childlike innocence and mirth had been replaced with mature and observant hues.

“Chris, I’m tired.” You hear yourself say, the older man only tightens his grip around you and buries his head into your shoulder.  Everything is calm as it should be, you can hear his steady heartbeat, the rhythmic pitter-patter of his heart reassures you, following the steady rise and fall of his chest it creates a serene peacefulness in your mind, and you’re grateful for it even it’s just for a minute.

A flash blinds you as the media surrounds you, different questions are thrown at you, it ranges from your relationship to your father, and then they begin asking about your times. Will you be ranking gold today? Will you break  another record? You find yourself running, not caring where you’re going until you find yourself on top of the starting block.

“Miss L/n! The great prodigy!”

“You were brought into the world for this (Y/n)!” You hear your father’s voice

“You’ll be the greatest swimmer known (Y/N)!” You hear Chan.

“Swim for us!”

“You can’t let that talent go to waste, my dear.” 

“We were born for different things (Y/n), I hope you understand.” 

Different reporters shove their microphones, recorders, and cameras toward you, drowning you with their questions, blinding you with the flashes, it’s suffocating dangerously so. Terror fills your eyes as you feel yourself losing your balance from trying to avoid them.

The air whips at you as you’re falling you try to look for something, anything to stop you from falling. You scream for help, crying out, feeling your stomach drop the faster gravity brings you down and suddenly you’re thrown into a freezing bottomless pit, your limbs are heavy as you try to resurface but to your horror, something latches onto you pulling you down. You’re screaming again wailing as dread fills the pit of your stomach, choking as water enters your lungs, you’re choking, gasping for air. 

You jerk up, clutching the sheets tightly, breathing heavily. Grimacing you find yourself sweaty, you turn towards the alarm clock on the bedside table, in bright red it reads 3:35. You leave the comfort of your bed, dashing towards the bathroom as you feel the nausea claw at your throat, you hurl yourself toward the toilet just in time your stomach contracts to vomit the remnants of your meal from the previous day. Heaving until only a clear liquid was left, your throat felt sore with all that stomach acid you felt disgusting. 

Pushing yourself up you rise to flush down your vomit, turning away to avoid inhaling the acidic stench. You gargle some water and brush your teeth before you push yourself into the shower stall. Sinking into your knees as you cried under the comfort of the rain shower.

♡ ❤ ♡

You feel just a tad bit better after your shower, that doesn’t eliminate the thoughts in your head though. Gosh, why did this just have to happen on the day of qualifiers. It’s been two months or so ever since Henry had broken up with you, and it's funny how the media hadn’t picked up on it, well neither has the team since you both spent so much time together even as you continued as friends.

You’re looking at the simple band on your finger when a knock interrupts your train of thoughts. You open the door to see Henry, holding two fruit cups and his gym bag, “Today’s the day!” He observes you as you let him in, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he tries to decipher your muddled thoughts. “Did you sleep?”

“A bit.”

Unsatisfied by your response, “Here.” He hands you the fruit cup in your direction, knowing that you don’t eat that much for breakfast, he at least tries to get something in your system especially for a big competition like this, less he has you fainting in the middle of it. “Eat up, you need that.”

Your phone pings, and you see a message from Felix, but none from Chris.

Lix

Good luck Noona! The boys say hello as well! Fighting~!

Henry watches you through spoonfuls of watermelons and strawberries, trying to take a peek at who could possibly be texting you. “Felix, the other Australian in the group right? I swear that his voice of his does not fit his features.” Henry munches on his fruits frowning as he realizes you’re not eating. “Hey, eat.”

You humm in response pushing away at his hand holding up a spoonful of fruits to your lips. “I will just later.”

“Oi, your laters always become never so don’t you try that on me, eat.” You allow him to feed you the spoonful of fruits knowing that if you don’t allow him to take care of you he’d only continue his rant and you’re really not in the mood to argue with him.

Out of all the days, your dreams could bother you, why did it have to be now.

♡ ❤ ♡

Before you know it you’re in the locker rooms, you find yourself shaking, you can feel the nausea clawing up your throat again, despite the fact that you had vomited again for the second time that day just a little bit before you entered the locker rooms.

You find yourself looking at the ring Henry had given you, a promise to take care of yourself, you’re not doing so good on that promise though. When was the last time you had a decent conversation with Chan, you both had been so busy, that Felix could only leave you short texts a few times a week.

You push down your thoughts trying to focus on the competition. This was the qualifiers for goodness sake, your future, your country’s future was depending on this. You’re called to enter the venue, hurriedly you take your necklace and ring putting them into a container tugging on your jacket as you speed walk towards the pool.

Your eyes adjust to the bright lights of the indoor pool, blinking it out as you step into the starting block, this view, it’s nothing new, but why does it feel so different? You’re putting on your goggles and swimming cap barely having enough time to react as you're told to take your positions, you feel the vile clawing at the back of your throat, forcing yourself to push it down. God it’s so loud.

You feel your body move to recognize the beep that signals the start of the race. Diving into the cool waters, your body resurfaces to start the first style of the individual medley. You’re propelling your body up, you can hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears. Your body feels completely out of sync, your limbs feel heavy like lead suddenly you’re reminded by the icy like vines dragging you down.

You feel yourself struggle against the current caused by the other swimmers, your vision darkens with lack of oxygen as you feel yourself struggle to breathe. And before you even realize, you feel your bare feet touch the tiled floor of the pool. Tears are pooling at your eyes as you hang your head in shame, you hear the crowd begin to whisper in shock at your actions. And you know exactly what they’re saying. 

You’ve been disqualified.

You’re dashing towards the bathroom again, that nauseous feeling now evident more than ever, finding the nearest toilet, you heave. Your stomach contracts violently again and again, forcing the contents of your stomach up until there is nothing left, sinking into your knees you feel weak and tired. Your vision darkens once more, your consciousness fading in and out, you feel drained with everything fading into black.

♡ ❤ ♡

“Hello, is this Christopher Bang? You’re registered as one of miss Y/n L/n ‘s emergency contacts, we’d like to inform you that she’s currently hospitalized under our care. She fainted after vomiting quite a bit, we’re running a few tests for now but once she’s hydrated you can take her home.” The rest of the nurse’s words fly over his head, it seems as if his heart had gained a few pounds at how heavy it seemed all of a sudden, with fear gripping his throat at what could have happened to you.

“Hyung, noona got disqualified at the qualifiers.” Felix tugs at his shirt, showing him his phone, which had the picture of you standing in the middle of the pool as the other competitors continue swimming around you.

Chan can feel his heart drop to the pit of his stomach in shock at seeing the news of your disqualification. Questions begin to bother him, wondering why you had done that, why you stopped in the middle of a competition, and especially during the qualifiers.

“I gotta go.”

Luckily their manager asks no question once the leader mentions it's an emergency, anxious, he bounces his leg in worry, as his manager drives him as fast as possible towards the hospital’s address. His manager is barely at the entrance before the idol is running towards the information booth asking for your room number. 

He’s dodging past patients and doctors as he scrambles towards the staircase, knowing that the elevator would take too long, once he’s in front of your room, he’s panting in exhaustion. But to his dismay he finds a nurse in it, cleaning up a few things she’s shocked at the sight of the idol before she tells him you’re in the playground.

It’s odd to find the playground open at this hour. It’s a tad bit after five in the afternoon, the sun has begun to set. He sees you sitting by the swing in a hospital gown, approaching your figure, the cup of vanilla-flavored ice cream you’re playing with catches his eyes.

He kneels before you, meeting your downcast eyes, your once luminous eyes are replaced with watery red-rimmed eyes. He feels his heartbreak at the sight of your trembling figure, taking your hands into his he realizes how cold they are. 

He’s at a loss of words, he finds himself unable to reassure you, comfort you, or say anything at all. His eyes scan your face, noticing how your features have become sunken, with your cheekbones more prominent along with the dark bags under your eyes. You’ve lost weight.

“It started a little bit after that issue with that one reporter.” You begin answering the questions of how it had started. “After he had asked me whether me dating Henry would affect my swimming, the nightmares soon followed, then I kept getting scolded during training, at first I thought it was just a slump, but I kept getting stuck. I heard all these expectations asking if I’d be breaking a new record, will I be topping the rankings again, will I be getting gold? All these questions I couldn’t even answer myself. Then the nightmares worsened, and I couldn’t sleep, the nightmares would bother me so much. All these expectations of me, it began to tire me out, I couldn’t even hold a consistent record.” Chan allows you to pour out your pent up frustrations knowing you had probably kept these to yourself over the past few months.

“I plan to take a break.” You’re looking towards the sunset, admiring the different hues of pink and orange in the sky. Such a beautiful sight contrasting the tragic situation you had managed to place yourself in. “I want to travel a bit, leave behind everything, clear up my mind.” The vanilla-flavored ice cream’s melting, but you make no move to eat it, watching it change from its solid phase to liquid, you stir the sticky mixture.

“I’ll come with you, I’m sure I can talk to the company-”

“Chris, you’ve come this far for your dream. I can’t have you throw away everything you’ve worked hard for, you can’t leave the boys, you’d put the team at a disadvantage. You would not only be throwing away your future, but theirs as well.” You press your palms into his cheeks, thumb tracing where his dimple would be. “I want to do this on my own, I made a promise to someone that I’d find my own happiness, and I want to find happiness within myself. I’ll be fine Chris.”

The older boy feels the metal band dig into his cheeks. “Are you engaged to Henry?” The question brings giggles to your tear-stained cheeks, finding it funny that despite your speech, he still had half the mind to ask you about Henry.

“No you dummy, we broke up months ago. I also found out about that little conversation you had with him. This is a promise ring. He wanted me to find happiness with you, but I can’t be dependent on you, I want to heal on my own before I want to try a relationship with you. So this is another goodbye for us.” Chan hadn’t even realized he’d been crying till you’re wiping his tears. “Plus it’s you who had always told me that if we were meant to be fate will find a way for us.” 

“Will you come back?” 

“I won’t make any promises but time will tell. So no more promises between us, Chris.” You’re tilting his head, to press your lips into his soft ones, with your hand by his nape you play with the soft tufts of hair that pokes out of the cap he wears. Chan remembers you tasting as sweet as the vanilla-flavored ice cream that sits by the corner, melting under the warm rays of the sun that sets behind you both.

x.

What would you say to someone you’ve missed again again, when you see them after the many years that you’ve repeatedly let them go. Would you say I love you? Hello? Would you act nonchalant, or would you welcome them with a tight hug.

It’s been a year since he’s last seen you. He finds himself in a nearby ice cream parlor to fight off his writing block, knowing that staying cooped up in the studio would only leave him flustered and unable to produce. He’s also taking a break from how loud his members could get, so he left anything work-related taking a breather.

The year had surprisingly passed on quickly, the media had died down with you traveling across the globe, it makes Chan wonder how are you, what you’re thinking about what you’re doing. 

All news of your breakdown had been taken down, even the late news of your break up with Henry, any sightings of you had been quickly erased, it makes Chan wonder whether your father had a hand in this, knowing that your stepmother was quite influential with the media. 

The wind chimes by the door twinkle with the entrance of a new customer. “Can I get two scoops of vanilla please.” Chan looks up from his phone at hearing the accented Korean. He sees you by the counter dressed in a summer dress perfect for the sunny weather, he sees the bounce and confidence in your steps he hadn’t even realized you had lost. 

Time seems to still as the idol struggles to comprehend its you, the person he had lost time and time again. Not some picture on his phone, nor are you the figment of imagination he uses when he makes his music, it’s actually you. 

He sees your lips part in a silent gasp almost dropping the cup of ice cream in shock. Chan struggles to formulate a thought in the languages he’s fluent in, he could only sigh as he finds himself within your embrace and suddenly everything falls into place. 

After you had left him to travel, Chan had sworn that if he met you again, he would make things right. Fate had tested you both again and again, and maybe this was her sign for you both.�� No more wasting time, no more regrets.

[frozenartscapes]

Reach for my Hand - FE3H Fic

Marianne and Edelgard deserve supports.

---

After the night proved itself to be no different from the others, Edelgard found herself wandering along the walls of the outer courtyard. Aside from the odd patrolling guard, it was relatively secluded. The walls in that part of the monastery towered over a hundred feet above the steep, rocky cliffs below. Save for perhaps a wyvern or pegasus invasion, that part of the monastery had nothing to worry about, which meant she could walk in peace without having to be reminded about curfew.

The air had a chill to it, and Edelgard pulled her jacket collar a little tighter to keep out the wind. She should head inside, but she was still shaken by her lastest nightmare and she couldn’t quite convince herself to return to her dark, confining dorm room just yet.

As she reached the furthest portion of ramparts - the place where the walls were at their tallest and most formidable and where torches were scarce - she spotted something...peculiar.

Someone was...sitting...on the wall. Legs hanging precariously over the edge to a dark demise.

Edelgard frowned. Such a sight would normally simply be confusing, but as she recognized the head of light blue hair, a worrying thought bubbled up and refused to go back down. So she carefully headed over.

“Marianne?” she asked when she was close enough, taking extra care to be as soft and non-threatening as possible so as not to startle the Golden Deer student.

Marianne still jumped, though thankfully just a flinch and nothing more. “Oh! Edelgard?” she asked in surprise, turning to the Black Eagles leader with widened eyes, “I didn’t expect to see anyone out here! ...Wait, what are you doing out here?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Edelgard admitted, closing the distance between them and leaning against the parapet, “Going for a walk tends to help.”

“Why did you come all the way out here?” There was something in Marianne’s voice that Edelgard couldn’t quite place: accusation, perhaps? Maybe suspicion?

“I haven’t explored this part of the monastery yet,” Edelgard replied with a shrug, “Besides, the lack of guards means I don’t have to explain myself if I get caught out of bed.”

“Oh... Yes, I suppose that is another good thing about this location,” Marianne said quietly.

“What else is good about it?”

“Hmm?”

“You said ‘another’. Is there something else about this place?”

Marianne quickly looked away, looking down at the ground far below. “Oh... Um, the view is nice up here, I suppose,” she said quickly.

Edelgard frowned again. Marianne had a white-knuckle grip on the edge of the stone wall, and she had inched herself forward - just enough to be concerningly close to the edge. A moment of silence passed between them. The wind blew softly through the valley below, causing silver locks and blue curls to dance in the breeze.

Marianne continued to look down, her jaw set in determination. Edelgard knew she couldn’t leave. Not yet.

The Princess looked out at the view Marianne spoke of. It was largely darkness on this moonless night, but the faint outline of distant mountains and forests and rivers could be seen if one looked hard enough. Small clusters of lights speckled the landscape, little towns surrounding the monastery separated from each other by farms and wilderness. It was quiet, and quaint. Certainly a far cry from the view she had back in Enbarr. But one thing stood out more than anything else.

“You can see so many stars tonight,” she said softly, looking up at the night sky and the brilliant array of galaxies and cosmic entities. She was used to seeing only a few stars, just the major constellations and brightest stars that could fight through the aura of light surrounding the Imperial Capital. But now the sheer vastness of the universe made itself clear as crystal with the millions of twinkling lights high above.

Marianne made a non-committal noise. “Oh, um... I suppose you can,” she sighed.

“My older brother used to tell me stories about the constellations,” Edelgard continued, “It was so long ago I’m afraid I don’t remember them well, but I do remember where they are in the sky.” She paused, and then pointed out to a group of stars. “That one there is Vespira, the Great Warrior. And that one was made for Loog, of Faerghus. And over there is the Golden Eagle.”

She smiled a little when she noticed Marianne following her finger and no longer looking at the ground. “I think that one’s the Jade Tiger,” she said meekly, hesitantly extending a hand out to point out another constellation.

“You’re right,” Edelgard praised, “I remember a bit of that story. It was about a tiger who stole a piece of jade from the Emperor in an attempt to gain good luck and fortune. The Emperor was so enraged that he had the tiger flung into the sky as punishment for stealing.” She chuckled softly. “All of those stories are so wildly farfetched, don’t you think?”

Marianne nodded. “So many involve being thrown into the sky,” she muttered, “I wonder what such a fate would feel like?”

“It likely wouldn’t be very nice if one was afraid of heights,” Edelgard said, amused by her own comment. Her mirth faded when she saw Marianne once again staring at the ground far below. A gust of wind blew past, and she shivered from the cold. “Well, I suppose I should return to the dorms. Would you like to join me? I would be happy to quickly brew some tea to warm us up before going back to bed.”

Marianne didn’t look up. “No, um, that’s ok. I appreciate it, but...”

Edelgard didn’t budge. She tugged her jacket a little closer to herself, but otherwise remained where she was. After a long pause, she finally cut to the chase: “Is everything alright, Marianne?”

Marianne said nothing, instead acting like she hadn’t heard the princess.

“I just... I don’t want to leave you alone right now,” Edelgard admitted softly, “I’m worried about you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about,” Marianne sighed, “I...I’m fine. I...”

“I don’t like rushing to conclusions, but...”

“I said I’m fine. You should go back to your room, Edelgard.”

Edelgard bit her lip. She wasn’t good at this sort of thing. She was perhaps a little more socially adept than Marianne, but not by much and certainly not about heavy topics like this. Still, she refused to back down. “Do you wish to talk about it? Perhaps just release a little?”

Marianne closed her eyes tight, sniffling a little before speaking: “There’s nothing to talk about. I...I’ve made my decision.”

Edelgard’s next words were soft, quiet, unusual from the normally stoic and powerful princess: “Then why haven’t you done it, yet?”

Marianne released her iron grip on the wall and wrapped her arms around herself, an action that forced Edelgard to take a reactive step forward. “I’m...waiting,” Marianne whispered, “For the goddess to...give me a sign.”

Edelgard fought the urge to roll her eyes. She bit her tongue, mentally chastising herself for making snarky comments about people’s faiths in delicate situations. She chose her next words carefully, and said gently, “Well, what are the chances I’d run into you out here? Perhaps this is a sign. Come back to the dorms with me, Marianne.”

Marianne turned to look at her. Edelgard noticed the timid girl giving her the once-over, trying to discern where her motivations lay. “Why do you... You’re not from my House. We barely even know each other,” she breathed, shaking her head a little in disbelief.

Edelgard sighed and moved to stand beside her again, once more taking up her position leaning against the rampart. “I don’t like seeing people give up,” she said simply, “I believe there’s still fight in you.”

“It doesn’t matter if I still have fight. I’m not worth anything,” Marianne insisted, “Perhaps everyone would be better off if-”

“That’s bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit.” Edelgard met Marianne’s meek gaze with an intimidating stare of her own. The fire in her lilac eyes was similar to what came out on the battlefield, but this time, Marianne strangely felt no fear looking into them. “No one is worthless,” Edelgard told her, her voice strong and surer than anything she’s ever been sure of.

“You don’t know me,” Marianne replied, looking away in shame, “If you did, you’d know that I am. It’d be better this way.”

Ah. So that was it. Secrets, mysterious pasts, burdens no one else could know about. Edelgard was more than aware of how such things could take their toll. She also knew how stressful it could be if a total stranger demanded an explanation in a time of emotional distress.

She drew a deep breath, and looked up at the stars once again. Her brother had told her once that heroes were placed in the stars if they did something truly worthy of the honour. She smiled bitterly. Heroes and villains were both awarded the same fate, in both fable and reality.

She wondered where he might have ended up, just a child taken from the world far too soon.

“At the Imperial Palace in Enbarr, out in the gardens, there’s a lake,” she began, her voice quiet, a slight tremble marring it, “It’s mostly just a large pond, but it’s wide, and deep. It falls off to darkness rather close to the shore. My brothers used to say that a monstrous fish lives in the very bottom of it, and they used to threaten to feed me to it if I bothered them too much.”

“That...sounds horrible.”

Edelgard shrugged. “They were only teasing. Sometimes Ludwig would hoist me up high into the air and pretend he was about to throw me in, but Frederick would come to my ‘rescue’. We’d always end up rolling around in the grass on the water’s edge, laughing and ‘battling’ each other.” She chuckled to herself at the memory. “We’d always return to the palace covered in mud and grass stains and it drove our retainers crazy.”

Marianne said nothing more, instead watching the princess with curiosity. Her heart sank when Edelgard’s pleasant smile faded away.

“I...I lost my siblings to a horrible fate,” Edelgard admitted, “They were...taken from me by disease and madness. A horrible plague swept through the palace, snatching us all up and devouring our lives. Slowly, methodically. It was...like torture. To this day no one knows what kind of plague would do such a thing.”

Another deep breath.

“I survived. I was the only one, and I bear the scars and burdens from being the one the plague chose to spare.” She closed her eyes, and her mind brought her back to those horrific memories. “After it was over, and things returned to the closest they could have been to normalcy, I...I would find myself on the shore of that lake. Sometimes during the day, sometimes in the dead of night. Rain, snow, sunshine - didn’t matter the weather. I never thought about it, never realized I was even walking to it, until the water met my feet.”

She clenched her fists, nails biting into her palms through her gloves. She opened her eyes and shook her head, trying to force those wretched memories from her head. “I can’t swim,” she uttered, “I never learned how. And sometimes I would stare at that lake and think how easy it would be for me to just...disappear. Into the depths.”

Marianne turned toward her, subconsciously moving away from the edge of the wall. “You... What?” she whispered.

Edelgard met her surprised gaze with a small smile. “It was almost...instinctual,” she said, “Any time I started to miss them, or felt guilty about being the one who lived... I’d find myself out there.”

“What...” Marianne swallowed hard, then turned to glance down to the rocky ground below - for the first time seeming fearful of the drop. “What made you...not...”

Edelgard shrugged. “I found something to drive me, to give me something in the future to push toward,” she explained, “It still hurts to think about them. Even now, I’ll sometimes get a wave of guilt. I’ll think about how my brothers were better fighters than me, or stronger leaders. Or how my sisters were kinder, or more social. Sometimes I just wonder how things would have been different had it not been me...” She clenched her fist tight, and continued with resolve, “But I know now that it doesn’t matter. It was me, whether I want it or not. And I can either wallow in my grief, or try to make my life worth something. For them.”

Marianne frowned, and let out a sad sigh. “I have no such reason,” she admitted quietly, “Everyone would be better off without me, and I have nothing to strive toward.”

“Everyone has a reason to keep fighting,” Edelgard told her, her voice surprisingly soft, “It doesn’t have to be some grand, world-changing goal. It can be as simple as wishing to be around to tend to a beloved pet, or wanting to see a certain flower bloom.”

Marianne pondered those words for a moment. She hadn’t really considered it before, but she realized Dorte would miss her visits. Many of the monastery animals likely would. And she would miss them, if she wound up in a place where she’d feel such emotion.

“I...I don’t know, Edelgard,” she stammered, wringing her hands together nervously, “You see... My problem stems from my...my Crest. It’s not something I can easily look past, or change.”

Edelgard seemed to perk up at that. “I see,” she said, mysteriously looking away as if deep in thought.

“My Crest is dangerous,” Marianne explained, “Dangerous to others. I’m so tired, Edelgard... I’ve been trying to contain it, to control it, but...”

Edelgard looked at her again, and Marianne found herself trapped in those bold, violet eyes. “Believe me: I know Crests are far more trouble than they’re worth,” she said in a low voice.

The Princess looked away, and everything about her seemed to lighten. She then continued, “I promise you things will get better, Marianne.”

“You’re not the first person who’s told me that...” Marianne sighed.

“No.” There was so much determination in Edelgard’s voice that even one as timid and meek as Marianne felt a boost in confidence from it. “I promise you,” Edelgard told her, “I will ensure, myself, that things get better.”

Marianne stared at her, jaw hanging open slightly in shock. “But... How can you do such a thing?”

“That, I am afraid, must remain secret for the time being,” Edelgard replied, “However I will say this: far too many people have suffered because of Crests. You and I are merely two of thousands. But I am going to make sure that we are some of the last to suffer.”

Slowly, she reached out a gloved hand to Marianne, who eyed it curiously. “I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make things better, Marianne,” she said, her voice soft once again, “And it might be selfish of me to admit, but I want you there to see it for yourself.”

Marianne’s eyes widened. She stared at that outstretched hand that was as strong and unwavering as Edelgard’s words. She glanced down to the rocky ground below, which was cold and unforgiving. Up again, and she met lilac eyes that were anything but.

Carefully, she accepted that gloved hand.

Edelgard helped her down from the wall, and the pair made their way back to the dorms together. They walked in relative silence, but they remained physically close. Not touching - but enough to feel each other’s warmth.

“Um...”

“Hmm?” Edelgard cocked her head as she watched Marianne struggling to form words.

“You, um... You said ‘you and I’...” Marianne stammered, not daring to look at the Princess in fear, “Y...your Crest causes you problems, too?”

Edelgard’s eyes widened ever so slightly as she felt her heart skip a beat. Damn, how had she not caught that little slip-up?

“I wasn’t aware that a holy Crest like the Crest of Seiros could be negative,” Marianne continued, oblivious to Edelgard’s inner panic.

“It...it is easy enough to control,” Edelgard replied quickly, “It was more what it did to my family: I had ten siblings, and out of them, I was the only one with the Crest. There were signs that perhaps it might manifest to some of the others, but it never did. And it...made things difficult when it came to the line of succession.”

‘It also wasn’t enough.’

“Oh, I see... I truly am sorry, Edelgard.”

“I... Thank you, Marianne.”

They arrived back to the dorms. With a final nod in parting, they went their separate ways. Though neither ended up getting much sleep - there was far too much to think about that night.

---

The following day, Byleth responded to a knock on her classroom door. Odd: class wasn’t due to start for another half hour. When she opened the door, she was met by timid brown eyes and a head of light blue hair.

Marianne stood trembling in her doorway, tightly grasping a sheet of paper.

“P...Professor! I, um, I was wondering...” Unable to finish, she forcefully held out the sheet.

Byleth accepted it and skimmed the contents. She then looked up and met those terrified eyes with a warm smile.

“I would be more than happy to accept your transfer, Marianne. Welcome to the Black Eagles.”

---

AN: One of the saddest little details in this game is the fact that if Marianne isn’t in your House before the time skip, she just...disappears from the game, implying that all that suicidal ideation she had ended up becoming reality.

Another is that everyone chooses to stay in Crimson Flower because Byleth chose that path - very few admit to being there because of Edelgard. And in Silver Snow, we see just how true that is when she’s abandoned by nearly everyone.

I kinda wanted to fix those, just a little. Much to El’s annoyance, Marianne insists their meeting on the wall was an act of Fate caused by the goddess. El insists it was just a coincidence. Both agree that, whatever the reason, they are extremely thankful for it.

[astroismypassion]

Hi I'm the June 17th birthday. I couldn't respond to your message on Kofi but I am totally fine with you putting my reading on your blog. Thank you for doing your best to work around the messages issue!

Hi!

Thank you for buying me this delicious hot beverage. I drank irish cream black coffee with rice milk while writing your interpretation. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I did writing! I listened to some old George Ezra while writing. ;)

Your dominant planets are: 1. Sun, 2. Jupiter and 3. Pluto. Your dominant signs are: 1. Scorpio, 2. Gemini and 3. Leo. Your main mode is Fixed. You are Water dominant.

FAMILY, SIBLINGS, EARLY LIFE

You have Aquarius IC. You had an unconventional, unique upbringing. Your 4th house is in Aquarius and Pisces. You like to play on your own. Or you created an imaginary world for yourself. Or you could have escaped through music, arts, TV series or film. You were sheltered from what was really going on around you. You might have a hard time establishing healthy boundaries with your family members. They seem to completely merge with you and rely on you emotionally or be completely cold and detached. There were many traditions and superstitions in your family that might have been passed down through generations. If you have any siblings, they are Capricorn, Aquarius or Pisces. In your elementary and high school years you might have been drawing a lot during classes you didn’t find stimulating. Or you daydream often. You were a mature and responsible student. You seemed a lot older than your peers. You might have viewed your schoolmates as weird sometimes, but they viewed you the same back. You might have often asked yourself if you’re the “weird one” or they are. You have Uranus in the 4th house. You may have changed residence or moved around often, even change schools. There were a lot of unpredictable, sudden changes and events in your early life that were hard to control (and to grasp). You have Sun square Moon. Your mother and father have different personalities and traits. They did not agree on the parenting style, how to raise you. They might have had different views. You have Sun conjunct Mercury. Your father emphasized the importance of communication or that you keep good relations with your siblings. This is also a writer’s placements! You can flatter or cut deep with words. You know how to appeal through words and find exactly the right words. You can sometimes think you “feel” words, because some words would be funny to you or have a “weird” sound to it. You might visualize a lot in your mind. Words, think in imagery and pictures and you have a strong, vivid imagination. You have Sun conjunct Mars. He probably met your open emotional expression with resistance.

PARTNERSHIPS AND FRIENDSHIPS Your friends are Pisces, Aries, Cancer, Sagittarius, Libra and Virgo. In your romantic relationships you attract Taurus, Gemini, Leo, Virgo and Aries. You have Taurus Venus in the 7th house. You desire, respect and value (also attract) stable, loyal, stubborn, highly opinionated people. Those who like to debate with you. People that have “go to” phrases and are polite, kind, have good manners. You might easily sense fragile egos, self esteem and weak points of other people. You have Gemini Mars in the 8th house. This is how you take action. How you approach your crush. You like to play mind games a bit, use a bit of world play and double entendre. You like to know everything about them and how their mind works. You wonder how they are thinking, what their thought process is. You like to have shared learning experiences with potential partners or dates where you go to an escape room or take a cooking class together and learn a new skill. You like to constantly evolve, expand and regenerate. You need a mental connection and great mental rapport to introduce physical intimacy into a relationship. You have Aries Moon in the 5th house. You have the potential of a serial dater. You need some passion, excitement and playful energy to get the connection started. But even in the early stages of your love affairs, you need a great deal of emotional comfort. You have to feel safe and secure around the person, like they are your family already. You know what you like and you might cut off people instantly when you notice red flags or just something that you don’t like. You know you can’t save people, so you understand the person needs to help themselves first. Otherwise, they would become another one of your problems. You have Venus sextile Jupiter. You might be very generous when you’re in love. You like to spoil your partner and take them out for dinner often. You might be over generous or over loving. With you money, time, affection, attention, praise and compliments. You have Venus square Uranus. You might like some odd, quirky, hard to figure of people. You are fascinated by those. You might have a long distance relationship at some point. Or you could date your friends or online date. You might even have a platonic connection with someone before it being romantic. You have Venus trine Neptune. You might idealize your partner or they do that to you. You might view them through rose tinted glasses. You are attracted to musicians, artists, singers, creators and people who play instruments.

CAREER, PROFESSIONAL LIFE, PUBLIC IMAGE

You have Pluto in the 2nd house. You fear poverty, homelessness and being hungry. You are very private when it comes to your financial matters. You don’t discuss it openly or ever. It’s a weird topic for you. Sometimes you fear it, it’s like you’re scared of what it can do. You are very passionate about gaining financial stability. Sometimes your dreams scare you or you might think “too big” or see just the bigger picture and forget to focus on the now as well. You have Sagittarius and Capricorn over your 2nd house. You might be over indulgent and flashy when you have money to spend. But with Capricorn there you also work hard for it. You have Leo MC. You might gain recognition for your accomplishments. You could also be attracted to film, theatre, drama, modelling. Or politics, governmental jobs, administration. Even publishing, media, public relations and public affairs. You could be a representative for a company. You might like to post on your social media. But you perfect your image, caption and you check for grammar errors. You like to be seen as creative, funny, healthy, bright and hard working. You have Virgo North Node in the 10th house. This indicates your life purpose. In this lifetime you are called to organise, to establish healthy boundaries with others, routine, daily habits. To take care of your daily duties, responsibilities, your health and even your pets if you have any. If you don’t. You’d benefit from owning a pet greatly, so that it calms down your Virgo mental restlessness. You could work in accounting, counselling, therapy, even health fields, such as nutrition, dietetics, nursing etc. You could be interested in physical and mental wellbeing. You could be into fitness and wellness. You might like communication, publishing, bookkeeping or even library work. You could use your keen eye for details. You have Leo and Virgo over your 10th house. You will shine and be in the spotlight, yet you’ll have to learn humility as well. Sometimes you might feel underappreciated or undervalued by authority figures, such as your parents, mentors, teachers, bosses. You might feel like you are putting much more effort in your responsibilities and work than you get credit for it. You have Aries and Taurus over the 6th house. This means you like a stable job, because it means stable income (Taurus in the 6th, Capricorn in the 2nd). But at some point in your life, you might desire to be your own boss, be self employed or become a businessperson, since it gives you the freedom of expression, expansion you value (Aries in the 6th house, Sagittarius in the 2nd house). You might even do something athletic or sporty daily or even as a part of your job! You have Cancer Mercury in the 8th house. You need to communicate a lot with your intimate partners. You like to think about your family, siblings, your home, your comforts and safety. You like talking about deep, occult and taboo topics. You might entertain the idea of conspiracy theories as well. You have an excellent memory. You can remember scents, colours, how people made you feel like no other. You have a long term memory. You have Mercury square Jupiter. Sometimes you might be a bit judgemental or be prone to overthinking and overanalyzing. You might also read between the lines. You have Mercury sextile Saturn. You have great power and focus to concentrate for long periods of time when you have a tunnel vision.

ADDITIONAL OBSERVATIONS

You have Pluto, Jupiter and Saturn currently transiting your 3rd house. You might spend more time alone and less with your friends, siblings and family members. You might have to work hard daily or commute to another city for work or just travel daily to a different part of the city. You might reevaluate and reconsider, rethink and transform your attitude to the local community, neighbourhood, city, to your siblings, peers, schoolmates. You might meet some new people, some new friends too, when Jupiter enters the scene since it’s a one and a half to two years long transit. You have Scorpio Chiron in the 1st house. You might not like your own name, or there is a visible spot, mark on your face, body that you don’t like. Or you could have been picked on by others for that. You might not like your physical appearance and you’re self conscious about it. You often nit pick it. At some point in life you might have had an identity crisis or just really doubted your personality, ego, self worth, character and traits. You might have been bullied or the power was taken away from you. You often felt powerless. Or scared of your own potential and power. You have Taurus Ceres in the 7th house. This represents how you wish to be nurtured and how you nurture others. You like to cook for them, buy them food, share meals with them and buy them little gifts. You like to listen to them. You might be a therapist for many. I’m sure you received compliments as “you’d be an excellent therapist”. You might empathize with them and really try to understand the other’s perspective and where they are coming from. You like to put yourself in others' shoes. You have Virgo Juno in the 11th house. This indicted your “ideal soulmate”, ideal partner, be it platonic or romantic. You like someone friendly, intelligent, who isn’t afraid to discuss social issues, society and question it all. You like someone who is clean, smells nice and grooms themselves. You like platonic, friendly connections at first. You need a lot of mental simulation. You have Libra Lilith in the 12th house. You might have been accused that you lack ambition. But you just don’t like competition that much or participation in the rat race. You value the inner core and being. You have rich inner workings. You have Leo Part of Fortune in the 9th house. This is where you experience good luck and charm. You might be praised for your views, beliefs, opinions on life. How you choose to constantly expand your horizons. You are at your happiest when you travel, even when you get lost in a good book, TV series or a foreign film. You like to constantly learn something new and you’ll be a life long student.

CHART RULER

Your chart ruler is Pluto. The chart ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. Your ego is directly tied to your self worth, financial status, your talents. You might develop your personality, character, ego, self esteem through 2nd house topics, such as working on your talents and pursuing new skills, earning money and becoming financially independent, self care and developing your own set of values.

HOUSE RULERS

The house ruler of the 1st house is in the 2nd house. The way you look depends on your self-esteem. Life is oriented to discovering personal values and creating self-esteem. Appearance is a source of security issues. The house ruler of the 2nd house is in the 5th house. You use your money for artistic projects. You are possessive of creative projects. Financial security depends upon your personal creativity. The house ruler of the 3rd house is in the 6th house. Daily conversation revolves around work and health. Your mind is oriented to daily life. Thoughts are oriented to daily routine and work. You are curious about diet and nutrition. You have an efficient mind. You take information and organize it. You have an actively curious mind. The house ruler of the 4th house is in the 4th house. You want a home of your own. Private time is spent with family. Home and family bring up strong core feelings, for better or worse. You want a family for the sake of having a family. The house ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house. Creative talents and gifts are hidden. Hobbies revolve around the taboo or occult. The house ruler of the 6th house is in the 8th house. The daily work environment must serve your need to form deep relationships. You use your knowledge of diet, nutrition and exercise to help other people transform. You want an intense work environment. The house ruler of the 7th house is in the 7th house. The partner needs to be willing negotiate and cooperate with you. Marriage partners are business partners, business partners are marriage partners. You want to be with someone who is cooperative. You want a partner who is a good negotiator. The house ruler of the 8th house is in the 8th house. You enter sexual relationships for sex. You get emotionally entangled with other people to form deep connections. Your attitude to life and death affects your ability to deeply connect with other people. The house ruler of the 9th house is in the 5th house. You are philosophical about the way you raise children. You find meaning through the creative arts. You like to take romantic getaways. You enjoy the artistic expression of other cultures. Traveling is for leisure and pleasure. The house ruler of the 10th house is in the 8th house. You bring a professional approach to depth psychology. You find your true vocation by exploring occult subjects. Your career revolves around the need for intensity of experience. Your career involves working with other people’s emotional baggage. Your true vocation involves depth interactions with other people. You achieve recognition as a researcher. You receive awards for your work with people on the fringe of society. The house ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house. You associate with people who are involved in the occult. Your friends have emotional baggage. You keep your group involvements hidden. You don’t talk about your long term hopes and wishes. The house ruler of the 12th house is in the 7th house. Your partner desires to escape from reality as much as you do. You lose your boundaries when it comes to significant relationships. Your grief and sorrow affect your relationships. The desire to escape reality affects your ability to maintain a serious relationship.

[gg-astrology]

hey, i wanted to ask how can we comfort the signs? like idk which planets we need to look at (moon, sun or the others?) but could you maybe do a brief description on how to make them feel better?

Hey there! ❤️💕 What a great ask! ❤️💕 

The Twelve Signs + Comforting?  ⬇️

On the topic of Comforting Someone

Premise

I’d say probably to be genuine and open to helping in your own way/what you can first of all, I know sometimes people just need to see others accept them and their feelings in the moment. 

Learning how different people operate and what they’re comfortable with comes with trail and error sometimes (and I’m probably not an expert on this yet) – but learning how to take on a supporting role or express what you can (able to take criticism and know that this isn’t about you, but how you could make it better/what you can learn from it) can help not just them but you a lot as well.

So just so that’s clear, this is a learn-able skill that we can learn and get better on. Trail and error happens, accept apologize and use it to be better (taking it personally as your own expression being criticized makes this about you and not them, the person who actually needs supporting/comforting). You’ll know when someone is victimizing themselves or manipulating the narrative, I’m saying the above for people who wants to get out of that habit (self-realization and cutting off toxic behaviors) as well. Be genuine, be yourself. But also be open to learning and change and seeking different ways we can learn to not feel so helpless/stiff comforting those around us.

Anyways now that that’s out of the way – people are self-sufficient to an extent, if someone needs time away to go do something you can just prepare for their comeback and provide supplementary support then instead. If someone comes back with unhealthy prejudice/mentality, this is where the supplementary support comes in. You’re essentially checking in on them and helping them help themselves be a better/healthier them. But it’s not your role to take on their problem/stressors, you’re there to help them be a better them. I hope this resonates with people out there who needs to hear this ❤️💕

Considering I was going to say looking at their overall placements would help, again you don’t have to take on the role of handling the responsibility for them so don’t feel like you ‘oh libra mars so this would help, oh cancer moon so this would help’ – don’t stretch yourself trying to do everything, they are self-sufficient. You’re there for support and to help witness their growth themselves.

Because it’s everything that’s going on, people are multi-faceted. There’s no one right or wrong way to comfort someone, they can adapt and grow and take on multiple expressions of others to help themselves as well. 

That’s why being genuine is important, you’re only you and you’re trying to help them as much as you can. I think for this answer, learning about the person helps a lot more because you also need to see where your expression/you fit into that person as well. 

Anyways, that’s a long ramble incase anyone needed it. I get what you’re asking though, I’m just thinking of all the ways this answer could go.

Like say you a Capricorn, I could say recognizing their strength and paying attention to them (genuinely, not overly stressed but sincerely) would help. And it would. But also this Capricorn has a Virgo Moon/MC, sometimes they can stubbornly deflect any compliment that comes their way when they’re in their space/feels queasy about it.

This Capricorn/Virgo could also have Cancer in 8th, they may not realize they need emotional support when they hit their lows. But a fateful meeting with a Cancer who could provide/show them genuine ‘im in your corner’ despite them not being able to do that or even consider it for others (the Capricorn/Virgo) can change the game for them (nurture). It’s in the chart (nature) – Cancer in 8th is right there (nature activated by nurture) — that impact once felt by someone being in their house (planet falling there and actually activating it) mean the Cancer’s genuinity and sense of expression ( the supporter/comforting person) helped the Capricorn and made them realize it themselves too.

So there’s different levels and complexity to this… but I get what you mean. Like it’s just good to have something to ballmark in order to ‘start’ that connection with them. It can be your younger sibling who you’re trying to y know, provide support and figure out the best way to help their nature be good foundation for their future nurture. It can be a friend who you’ve never seen broken down, suddenly needing some kind of support from you and you just want to know what/when/how to help.

I can’t answer a straight-forward answer since it depends on them, depends on you, depends on a lot of things. But I can help loosely/briefly, the bare stuff I’ve experienced myself that might be a place to start for you too? (again, I’m not an expert on this either I’m sorry ;;) ❤️💕

**again this is just my experience and this isn’t something that is completely definite for everyone so please use your own discretion about it too**

Aries - they’re not as unwilling to listen to you as you think they are. Their own vulnerabilities themselves doesn’t always come easy when it comes to expressing it out first (and unrolling the carpet there completely)  

Take the lead, speak genuinely about your own experience/heart and show your vulnerabilities first if you can. They’re willing to listen and understand it if it’s you – they’d much rather be in a position where they can keep their strength and you can respect that.

So take that lead and come to them equally –  this is an equal relationship and you’re taking on a role that allows them to keep a part of their strength to help you. But they are willing to learn and listen. After saying your peace, tell them what you figured out and how this connect you to them if that’s how you feel/think.

For me, I’m saying ‘this is something i want to work on, something i’ll have to get better at’ and look them in the eye and ask ‘what about you? what do you think?’ – at the end of it, I usually go ‘let’s work on it together. We can have this thing individual– both, together. Let’s work hard.’

In the case that your Aries is frustrated, needs comforting and you’re approaching them. Bring your experience forward and have that connection with them, where you are individual people who respect your difference but uplifts each other up. ‘Lets work on it together’ helps a lot. Let them have their strength, and believe in it for them without making them feel weak.   

Taurus - sometimes they just want to be accepted when they frustrate over a problem themselves. Their minds and emotions can be muddled, they think they shouldn’t care but they don’t realize it’s just sitting and waiting ready for them to actually confront the problem.

Don’t confront the problem for them lmao, let them air out their steam and remember to remind them that you’re there (presence wise).

You don’t have to be equally heated about the issue as they are, you just have to be willing to listen and understand them first. Usually, help with clarifications and asking ‘well, what do you want?’ helps (not as— y know, dismissive as it sounds) clarifications or explaining your thoughts/opinions also helps. If they go ‘no that’s not possible’ then don’t press it. It’s in their mind, you can only just hold their hand and listen to them talk more. Again, expressing your clarification on the thought patiently and thoughtfully helps. If it comes down to rotating the same advice over and over again for them to finally hear it– so be it. Be their soundboard if you have the time.

You can’t help them if they’re brooding in their problems, if it’s a bad day and they’re in a Mood. Just your presence is enough, be kind and open, be yourself and understanding. Have patience when they finally lose their cool, and encourage them actually to not repress/keep things in and actually talk about it to you—  because they should talk about problems, it’s not ‘nothing’ and it’s not invalid. Try to guide them in dropping bad habits/muddled up thoughts, and eventually they’ll learn and grow. They’ll appreciate your presence through their tough times as well.  

Gemini - honestly, a little structure won’t hurt you. Usually you can leave them be, when they come to you they probably already has an opinion/something figured out so they just need to exchange that information around– they’re not usually asking for your opinion about it, but hear them out and pick out the part that you think is interesting/they can go further with (active listener)

You don’t actually have to participate in giving them advice but they would appreciate if you could respond back or give feedback, you don’t really have to worry about holding a conversation just as long as you come to them without a guarded heart and is just being yourself as well. Be fun, be serious, have opinions or have passion about something. They aren’t looking for you to focus or look directly at them – they’re just looking for you to be you and together you can share that together.

A Gemini distressed and needing comfort is one that probably in the midst of working it out on their own – their anxiety is making them zoom around trying to see what they can do, resources, things to figure it out. Let them and be there are supplementary support. You don’t have to offer to help them with their problems, they’re kinda self-sufficient. But what you can do is to ask them to tell you what’s up or what’s happening, generally just speaking it out loud into existence and having the space/human to hear them through tends to help them out a lot as well.

Cancer - a distressed cancer, besides reassuring them and (honestly) just apologizing before reasoning out why you’ve hurt them by being insensitive at a time they expected certain sensitivity from you. You can also hear them out, accept the part that is your flaw (your lack of sensitivity/consideration during the time and a promise to be better/prove it as well) and then get it straight with them.

A cancer who needs comforting is the one who would appreciate your support the most, and that support doesn’t have to be purely emotional. This is an opportunity to build an understanding of each other– you, understanding that emotional need is important (and therefore not invalidating the pain they feel) – as well as you being as objective as possible, explaining how you see the problem to them.

You’re a team, you’re working together. You aren’t trying to demean or devalue each other, you’re trying to progress together.

So as you have it, you gotta validate and voice out their strength while being inspired by them as well. They in turn– will show you the same kind of cordial respect, and you can help them by expressing part of your strength you want to help them grow into having as well.

Again, you aren’t growing into each other, you’re growing up together. Be their support, be the believer in them as much as they do in you. You can learn a lot from each other even when the Cancer needs comforting. Let them know they bring you strength, this isn’t about appreciation as it is about making hurtful things ease up/become more tolerable/easier to accept that it doesn’t hit so personally anymore and you can both grow to have balance in both.

Leo - sometimes, you just have to wrap them up and take the wheel for them. Leadership is knowing that you can’t hold one role (the strength) all the time. You aren’t a good leader if you can’t be part of the group being lead as well. 

Sometimes the biggest help a Leo can get is coming to meet someone sure and confident in what they’re doing without being particularly aggressive/compensative about it (in this moment/context). 

Showing/expressing what they’re going to do without making things so complicated and nuanced all the time. 

It’s just them, this is natural and comfortable for them. No this person isn’t making exceptions for the Leo, this is for them as much as it is for the Leo and this is how they fit together so well. It’s natural, and it’s them leading this time to open the ground up for the Leo to feel comfortable being in that presence (sharing that space) too. 

So in this case, this really isn’t about the Leo. But about you and how ‘you’ you are when they need to be reminded it’s okay to be ‘them’ them as well.

Rather than talk more about appreciation and attention and being there (which you probably should already if someone wants that) – this is about you proving yourself without doing so. You’re you. And thus, in the presence of you being you– they are allowed and accepted to be them them as well. 

The idea is that, people are allowed to turn up– and turn down. None of these are unnatural and sometimes we get into the habit of being distinctive between these two all the time. Distressed and comfort comes from feeling the stability of those modes of ‘us’ having to adjust or adapt. Thus – opening up a space where they can feel comfortable testing the waters and getting ok with it is something that can help them out a lot.

If it’s not about opening space up for them, and this is about them. Comforting a Leo is the easiest because you can’t go wrong with giving more and more to them. There’s no such thing as moderation, just give to them. Sometimes that’s literally all it takes, whether they ask to be taken in consideration for or be taken seriously. Whether they want to play/given attention, whether it’s something else. You can’t go wrong with just listening and being okay with them. Just spend some time with them and give them your full energy, that’s all it takes. (It’s the accumulation of it that matters, literally just give in and that’s all it is)  

Virgo - Surprisingly, socializing helps them out a lot more than keeping to themselves. God knows they really do just keep to themselves though, their normal mode is isolation. For anything at all, if they think they need to ‘focus’ on something just watch your Virgo go into self-isolation mode again (some are introverts but that doesn’t mean it should be made an excuse if you’re not working well as an introvert either y know – detriment habits are detriment habits, how much people/socializing you can take is up to you/depends on the person.) 

But – the thing here is that, that doesn’t necessarily help them because going out of their own mind, breaking and putting yourself back together isn’t exactly effective coping mechanism just saying. They work well if they keep that very specific ‘edge’ or momentum yeah – but that’s literally stepping on a wire trying to tight-rope and going ‘I Know What I’m Doing! God! I don’t need Safety Precautions!’ 

So.. for Virgos. Comforting them means dragging them out and just letting them work it out on their own that they do better with people than alone. Your Virgo will use their usual sharp tongue and displeasure 100x to voice it out sometimes – but here’s the deal. Someone has to know what’s going on.

Despite them thinking they know best (or you being convinced by them – that maybe stepping back and going ‘oh ok theyre gonna be fine’ is going to be ‘okay’—but when it doesn’t work out that way, you both will just watch them crash and burn to something that could be prevented if one of you step up your game)  

They usually don’t know best. Virgos know this– you don’t know best! And that’s okay!! Because that keeps you driving and hungry for more things to work on!! It’s your sense of drive and part of your essence!!! That’s your strength not your vulnerabilities!! That’s perfectly fine!! It’s just– other people need to know that you do know you don’t know best too!! 

But Virgos won’t admit to it, because they don’t want to be taken advantage of and who knows what other people are going to trample over (accidentally or not) – if they themselves don’t know them best (Virgos), then who’s to say other people will have a better idea about them than say – them (Virgos)?? 

That’s why part of comforting a Virgo is acknowledging that they don’t know best (but not stepping over that line y know) –  sometimes someone should take the wheel for them and be wiser than them because they don’t have all the answers. But like– have some senses about it y know?

Libra - Honestly unless they actually speak up about it themselves (the situation/problems) as far as they’re concerned there Isn’t a problem and if there is – they want to figure shit out on their own first. Kinda like gemini– except they may for-go social interaction in order to brood and do their own stuff (with other people).

Let them rant, or talk about it. Just listen to them because honestly, they want to figure shit out on their own but they just need to know you’ve listened, reaffirm and came up with a bit of possible solutions that you aren’t forcing onto them as well (because they probably won’t take it or will weigh it in their mind a bit more before figuring out something themselves) 

The thing is they probably don’t want you to remember them for their vulnerabilities which is – y know, it’s about impressions and impact that can have on others. 

Besides vulnerability being something that makes people go ‘oh god what if they remember my weak moments and use it against me’ – or just the overall dynamic/balance of the relationship y know? Like the overall picture of the relationship (over time) – what does it consist of and what can they minimize on? 

If those vulnerabilities became part of the relationship as an Impact Impression of them, they’d much rather be remembered for getting through and moving past it. Which is why most of the time– Libras would divert your attention away from their actual problems/things that are new developments in them that they have to figure out first before they expose them to anyone. 

It can take a while for them to open up or even accept comfort thats not just– y know, cordial niceties with appropriate distance away from each other. Usually if your dynamic and roles are tight – they know their part and you know yours. They’re well aware of your openness and experience with the problems, they’ll consult you about it. The push-pull of the dynamic is an add on, it makes it easier for the Libra to trust that partnership with someone and talk to them as well (*depending on what dynamic/partnership it is honestly).

(Also, sometimes if it’s not that serious you can just pamper them. Pampering helps. And I don’t mean that in an overdone way.) 

Scorpio - I don’t know why they’re the easiest/most natural to comfort to me?? Like Scorpio comforting is literally to just take them seriously and be there for them. That’s literally it. 

You– you literally don’t have to agree with their thinking/ideologies all the time because god knows they can be messed up sometimes (and they’re allowed to be, that’s part of being human?) 

Sometimes they just need to have their emotions supported, be there for them. Be present. React and reach out with your own integrity. This is literally all it takes– to not make light or dismiss/wave away their feelings. It’s not something you can go ‘I’m sorry bub’ and then go ‘anyways this thing happen’ and push it back onto you or skitter around hesitantly. Just care for them? But like, don’t push yourself onto them right now, y know? Be sure and honest. That’s literally it.

More than anything, they just want sincerity that’s clear and simplified. Truthful and honest, nothing indecisive or ulterior about it.  

It won’t hurt their feelings, you just gotta open up the space with them and let them talk about things/share things with you. And you can do the same back. You better have your own ideas/solutions and expressions as well. Don’t be a useless bub, intensity isn’t as scary as you think– if you don’t understand something, just say it rather than fibbing them (god you just have to be honest and truthful with them in whatever capacity you can be honestly?)

Even when they’re hurt, they aren’t unreasonable. Rather even when they’re hurt they’re still a reasonable person who has their own explanation for things. So you honestly don’t have to be so afraid to come to them with your full sincerity and genuinely with your thoughts?

You’re trying to help them and comfort them, the best thing you can do for them is to be just as honest and open about your thinking. Touch them with your heart instead of trying to reach them with anything else? Because your heart– that’s the thing that shines the most. 

This isn’t about what you’re saying or having to be worried about how to say it – as long as your heart is in it to be there to help them 100% 

Match up, that’s all it takes honestly. The rest of it, we’ll figure it out as we move further.

Sagittarius - reaching out to them helps. Like honestly, I think if you’ve ever interacted with a Sagittarius you’d know ‘oh they have alone moments’ where they go off by themselves. But honestly– reach out to them, with no expectations y know?

Expectations kills the deal honestly. Let them go escape and go off on their own world, comforting a Sagittarius means leaving them messages with no pressure for them to reply immediately or at an appropriate time. You’re just sending them in because you think of them and stuff. You yourself should be capable of holding one side conversation sometimes too.

It’s reassuring when you may be unavailable but your close friends still invites you out to places but understands your different availabilities as well. It’s not reassuring when they ‘assume’ things about you. Assumptions and expectations kills everything, that’s like– the death of comfort for them honestly.

So to comfort them, let them know there’s space/place for them when they return. Leave that space open, it isn’t affected by time/effort/expectations/assumptions. 

You leaving for a period of time as well – consumed by other stuff that needs attention too in your life– doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them, gave up on them or is hurt somehow in their absence. 

Let them know they can take time and security in your relationship, that their own health matters too. Part of their problem is they can sometimes be bad at multi-tasking things and their own health, so when they’re about to break – remind them by gently forcing them to go take breaks because you can see them wrecking around the seams. Keep in contact honestly, if not for your sake– for theirs. Just do it.

Sometimes they just have to go, set the bar real low for them. You don’t have a bar. The bar doesn’t exist. All that exists is your relationship in an infinite space/time condendum that says your relationship relies on mutual freedom and space. That’s literally it.

Capricorn - me, a capricorn. Having absolutely no idea how to comfort a capricorn. Actually I DO know, the opposite of Sagittarius. Be there for them. Check in on them but don’t be forceful or nosey. Here’s the thing– when a Capricorn unloads, it’s a lot and it’s heavy. Think of it as a ratio, if you come here already pushing 80% of your emotions onto them, they’re gonna be reluctant to accept comfort from you because that leaves 20% for them and ugh what the hell are they gonna say/keep back in that 20%?

Come to them with 0% empty space and let them paint, fill it up with their thoughts and weight. They’re great painters (metaphorically) honestly, you just got to give them a big enough canvas so they don’t have to be afraid of running out of space while doing it.

Getting a Capricorn to open up is in stages, that’s why you need 0% empty space. They won’t spill everything at once, they’re gonna unload the first layer and see how you deal with it. And then if you’re ok (don’t be close-ended/think that’s over and done with) – they’ll unload a follow up to that, a deeper level to it. 

You really can’t take it for granted, because the way they do it is like a story report/update of their internal being that unfurls in layers, and has a narrative that links to one another – so it builds on each other, everything is connected and it’s different faucets of them. It’s from their perspective, so that part is consistent. But if you can see the deeper story, they’re multi-faceted and they want you to see/acknowledge that. To point it out and help them acknowledge it, they don’t want to be one-dimensional to others y know?

Let them unfurl and paint their story, honestly. You’re the art appreciator, and your words and comments have an impact on the next piece of painting as much as they themselves do. Appreciate that in them.

Aquarius - this is like a mix of Capricorn (eyy saturnian friend) and air sign aversion tactic which is: you kind of have to be there for them with your genuinity/from the heart – actually hear what they say/are saying. 

Comforting an Aquarius means they might not feel completely 100% opening up to you about everything unconditionally – they’ll kinda evaluate how wise and open you are on the topic. 

Because what they’re trying to figure out can spiral down a rabbit hole where they have to understand it themselves (rather than adopt/take yours) So most likely, you can have your opinion – but make sure you don’t assume or think that your opinion is the end-all be all for them. 

The Aquarius will work it out in further detail on their own, they’d appreciate having your support, open-mindedness and understanding of the topic (hearing what you have to say about it)  – at the same time, what matters most is that they can find their own way across the street.

It’s not the same when you’re going to a new place with someone, and have them guide you through it/give you tips and tricks. Versus you going to a new place and being capable of navigating yourself through the street with your own gps/guidance now. 

 It’s kind of like that, they appreciate comfort for sure. But unless they can understand it for what it is – it’s value/worth and experience with it. Sometimes comfort is in the presence and open-mindedness/wisdom, and they’re the one who might just need a little push sometimes to get their footing back again.

On the other hand, I kinda understand that sometimes opening up you’re afraid of people disillusions about you. Not wanting to not be genuine or how to explain complexity— like how we’re always growing/moving and sometimes we shift away from who we were before into who we are now. Reconnecting with someone who doesn’t share the same experience or understanding can be uncomfortable and jarring, especially since it’s not the Aquarius’s responsibility to teach/educate them about years worth of growth/development if they haven’t found out about it themselves as well (or go out and reach it).

Pisces -  Let them spill their problems, honestly being an open and reactionary listener helps a lot. They don’t want your advice, you just have to ask and actually be open to hearing what they have to say. 

Much like Sagittarius, being an open space helps. In the case of Pisces, sometimes you have to change your outlet to let them plug in because they have different latitude of problem sometimes (they won’t burden you with their problems if they think you’re not ‘there’ yet or understand/have experienced with the problem yourself– so taking notice of this/what theirs is and then bringing it up and being open with them helps a lot). 

Comforting a Pisces means letting them know that you do love and care for them, verbal reassurance helps a lot even if you don’t know it. Don’t be afraid to sink deeper into emotional territory, if you want to explain the things that made you miss them and why– they won’t be opposed to understanding more of you either (take yourself seriously, and take your emotional importance seriously honestly– so they can take you seriously as well) .

They’re very low-maintenance and that’s a good thing, check in when you can and don’t be afraid to let them know whats on your mind/how you miss them. 

If you don’t have much time due to your busy daily life – just expressing some of your affection in the narrow gap where you can (between your activities) is honestly good enough. Be sincere and affectionate– a breath of fresh air of honesty and affection/emotionality helps gives them support and quells some of their worries/warms their heart.

Approaching them with a comforting heart and the ability to listen, the ability to open spaces up for them helps so much. Talk about expressions and emotions, about activities and interests. You honestly can’t go wrong with knowing how to love and comfort a Pisces – you literally just have to have space for self-expression and being considerate towards them. That’s all there is to it?

[purplesurveys]

920

What Rhymes With ADE?

[a-zebra-is-a-striped-horse]

ADE 1. Have you ever bade someone farewell? Well yes, I do this with my dad every few months because he mainly works abroad. It’s been 18 years too, and I never got used to how sucky the goodbyes are when we drop him off at the airport. Eventually I stopped going along. 2. When was the last time you felt like you could just fade away? Monday. Then again it had been my period’s first day and my hormones and emotions were all over the place. 3. Do you know anyone named Jade? i’ve met a kid named Jade on one of the journalism workshops I’ve taught at, but I only encountered her that one time. 4. What was the last thing that you made with your own two hands? Onion rings that I never got to recreate.

5. What’s the deepest water you will wade into? Water reaching under my lips. I mean I can tread, but it gets tiresome after a few minutes so I’d rather be safe and keep water out of my nose and lips.

6. How many blades does your razor have? Three, I think. 7. Have you ever tried to evade something? Yeah, a lot. If I’m not looking forward to an event because of anxiety, a lack of interest, or just whatever, it doesn’t take a lot for me to ditch it. 8. Do you use Glade products? My mom may have bought an air freshener once or twice. 9. Highest grade of education you’ve completed? Bachelor’s degree. 10. Lowest grade you’ve received on a test? In high school I remember getting an 18/40 (or 18/50? I failed either way lol) on one of the advanced math exams. The lowest test result I got in college was like a 46/100 on an economics class. 11. Do you enjoy sitting in the sun or the shade more? Shade. The only time I would enjoy the sun was if the sea was right in front of me; otherwise I avoid it at all costs. 12. Have you ever used a garden spade before? No, I’ve only used a trowel. 13. What would you like to trade? What this year has been so far. 14. Do you enjoy going to arcades? I love them. They were one of my favorite places to go to when I was still studying and wanted a few hours to let loose, and luckily we had one near our school. 15. When is your favorite decade? I’m very fascinated with the 1920s; just seems like a decade brimming with partying and class. 16. Would you invade someone else’s privacy? No. I’ve had my mom do that with my journals and wouldn’t wish the same on anyone. I find it so upsetting that she did that; I never owned a physical journal after the incident. If I want to know something about someone, I’d rather have a direct talk with them. 17. What parades do you like to go to? I only ever go to the Pride Marches. All the fiestas happen in the provinces, so I don’t get to go. 18. When’s the last time you went on a tirade? Couple of weeks ago when I felt angry with Gab. 19. Is your bed currently unmade? A bit, yes. I haven’t folded up my blanket yet and my pillows are everywhere. 20. Do you like to play charades? Sure, but I only play them with people I’m comfortable with because I don’t like acting. If I’m with a group of unfamiliar people playing charades, I’m only willing to be a guesser. 21. Do you use Cascade dishwasher tablets? No. 22. Have you ever created a blockade or a barricade? Sometimes we block certain areas in the house with a pillow so that Cooper wouldn’t run there and end up eating something he isn’t supposed to be eating. 23. Would you ever lead a crusade? Last two questions gave me big Les Misérables vibes, heh. Anyway I don’t think I can lead a crusade on my own, but I’d be happy to join one. Goodness knows there’s so much to be angry about at this point. 24. Have your parents ever forbade you from doing something? Yeah but they’re the typical Asian tiger parent things like having a boyfriend while in school, getting a piercing other than the ear piercings they already gave me as an infant, dyeing my hair, etc. They never banned me from something that would be deemed unusual. 25. Do you like the song “Grenade” by Bruno Mars? Yes I love that song omg. It’s so fun to sing along to. 26. When’s the last time someone said something degrading to you? Around a month ago. 27. Last manmade structure you’ve seen? The houses in this neighborhood, I suppose. 28. When’s the last time you got a phone upgrade? Two years ago. 29. Has anyone ever tried to dissuade you from something? Sure. 30. How easy is it to persuade you to do something? It’s always different on any given day. Sometimes my self-control is pretty rigid and other times I’ll give in to temptation quite quickly haha. 31. Do you go on many escapades? Not many, but I still go on them occasionally. 32. What’s the last homemade dish you’ve made? It’s a little sad that this is my only answer since it’s the one thing I’ve ever made on my own, but onion rings haha. 33. Do you like lemonade? What flavor(s)? Just the classic one. I’m okay with lemonade, it’s not my first choice or anything but I don’t hate it. 34. What kinds of marinades do you like on your meats? I don’t cook. 35. Has anyone ever serenaded you before? No and I prefer that it stays that way. Serenading isn’t my language at all. 36. Would you like to visit the Everglades? I’m willing to visit wherever, so yes. 37. Have you ever attended a masquerade ball before? I haven’t. AID(E) 1. Do you know anyone who is an aide? Sure. 2. Do you know CPR and first-aid? I’ve had multiple classes on those topics but I forget the steps every time. I wish it were something I can retain; but because I’ve never been in a situation where I had to do first aid or CPR, my memory of them kinda fades at some point until I’m yet again required to take another first aid class. 3. Have you lost anyone to AIDS? Nope. At least I don’t think so. 4. When’s the last time you got laid? March, shortly before lockdown. 5. Have you ever been paid for sex? No. 6. Do you like the game Old Maid? I’ve never heard of it so I guess not. 7. Have you ever had a maid in your home before? We had house help before so I guess, but I don’t like using the term maid. 8. Have you ever experienced a drug raid before? No, not personally. But I see drug raids all the time in the news. 9. Do you tend to raid the refrigerator at night? Not as often as I used to. 10. Do you know how to do different types of braids in hair? No, I can’t even do the classic braid :( I’m horrible with stuff like that; my hands can never keep up. 11. When’s the last time you wore a Band-aid? Where and why? I needed a Band-Aid on my right index finger last June because I got a paper cut while I was preparing my old readings to use as Cooper’s peeing pads. 12. Have you ever wanted to be a mermaid? Not really. I never liked the idea of losing my feet for a tail. 13. Do you qualify for Medicaid? idk. 14. When was the last time you were afraid? Of what? I’ve been afraid of the future pretty much all week.

[marsbaumer]

hello !! the name is cal, pronouns they/them, and i’m in the est timezone. i’m so very excited to bring my kiddo mars to the deja brew !! listed below is going to be some information on the little mess. at the very bottom i’ve listed some possible connections as well that i think would be neat to explore. if you would like to plot feel free to like this and i’ll come to your ims or let me know if you’d prefer to plot over discord. i am very excited and look forward to writing with you all uwu

basics

name: mars baumer job: baker at deja brew & podcast host age: twenty-three gender: nonbinary pronouns: she/they sexuality: bisexual / biromantic birthday: april 2nd zodiac: aries personality type: the entertainer | esfp pinterest board: click here

regular order

large black coffee with a shot of caramel & whipped cream on top

aesthetics

listening to conspiracy podcasts in a deadbeat car in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night

the wafting smell of freshly made blueberry muffins and pockets of sunshine that warm your skin

 skinned knees covered by alien themed band-aids

theme song: boy bye by brockhampton

ring in their ears like a bark always feel left in the dark trauma the price for the patience character shift like an arc move like my shit stay in park don't feel the love or respect grip like a hand on my neck this is the year, place your bets (boy, bye)

positive & negative

brash ( adj ) : self-assertive in a rude, noisy, or overbearing way.

sagacious ( adj ) : having or showing keen mental discernment and good judgment; shrewd.

planetary commentary: updates every thursday @ 3:33am

planetary commentary is a podcast that focuses on all sorts of topics though they primarily tend to center around conspiracy theories, murder mysteries, missing people cases, space, lgbtqa+ subjects, and the occasional book or movie reviews. it could be seen as a bit of a messy podcast, however, it has gained quite the following over the year and a half its been available. ( first premiered may 1st, 2017 )

the chronicles of unknowing: updates every sunday @ 3:33am

a sci-fi, fantasy podcast centered around a boy as he journeys through a strange and mysterious land. he could not recall his name nor how he ended up in such an empty place. he simply woke up one day in a empty house where faceless photos presented themselves on dusty walls. how will he deal with the loneliness this empty town envokes and how will he choose to proceed when there is no clear direction? join the nameless boy as he logs his journey via tape recorder. ( first premiered october 1st, 2019 )

then

mars was born to their mother in the early hours of april second after tiring hours of labour. her mother, anastasia baumer, was over the moon to have her child in her arms after nine long months. it was a lonely celebration, though. no one was there to congratulate her or see her beautiful baby. no, instead, she welcomed mars into the world with just herself as family.

being a working single mother was tough, the money that anastasia’s parents had left her helped in mars’ younger years before they were old enough to go into daycare. things were bound to get more difficult as life went on as the finances were harder to keep up with, especially rent which only increased over the years. still, the child and mother duo were happy and lived life to its fullest. sure, mars couldn’t join any extracurricular sports, but they enjoyed writing and helping their mother with cooking/baking.

of course, life just couldn’t sort itself out for them. no matter how much anastasia gave, the world only took and took and took. it only made sense for the world’s greed to fall on mars as well. on their twelfth birthday, their mother made a choice to go out in the rain to pick up their birthday cake. she never made it home. mars waited up all night until the police came knocking to deliver the news.

( death tw ) a hit and run. she was left to die in the rain alone. that was probably the worst part. the fact that life couldn’t be gentle with her even til the end. mars wanted the hard truth. what was their mother’s last moments like? who left her to die? why would they do such a thing? there were so many questions they had and the police, with much hesitance, answered to the best of their abilities. their mother’s best friend met them at the station. she attempted to stay strong, however even in her righteous anger, tears swept her cheeks. it was a long month that followed.

left alone, mars was placed in foster care. the system was incredibly difficult to move through. they ended up being incredibly difficult to handle between poorly adjusting in school and slipping out of the houses. it took two years of swapping between three foster homes before they found the knox household. the knox’s consisted of cillian and avery knox as well as their son isak. it was a somewhat strange ensemble that mars joined. isak was cillian’s son from a previous marriage before he’d met avery and fell harder than ever before. it was...cute. they gave them space and isak was different from the other kids they ended up staying with previously. for starters, he was only a year younger than them. he complimented their vibe the first time they met and then asked what they thought about aliens. needless to say, their introduction into the knox’s dynamic and to each of them personally was a welcomed change.

fourteen years old, mars finally found a place they could settle down in and mourn their mother while attempting to settle. it was nice, living with avery- living with another person of colour, who encouraged their desire to explore different styles and, later on, pronouns when they started to question their gender. the support of cillian and isak as well encourage their unique interests and desire to learn about their self. the family helped them in ways they could never pay back. 

( cancer tw, death tw ) life never failed to come back to ruin them. they had at least six years of blissful peace before isak began to get sick. it was a terrible time and took a while to catch on to. yet, the diagnosis wasn’t promising. cancer never was. isak held out a while against the leukemia that made him sick. almost a year, in fact, before he ended up passing. the devastation they felt was an echo of the past as they lost their best friend and brother. 

now

two years later found mars living outside the knox household and in a two bedroom apartment with someone they found on craig’s list or something. they liked to introduce them and tell tales about how they ended up rooming together, even going as far as claiming they found them on the side of the road. 

mars has been working at the deja brew for about two years now. after dropping out of school for when isak was sick, they decided not to return. their fathers were disgruntled, but allowed it. after all, they were there on scholarship anyways. they had expected them to return, however, mars has yet to show any interest in continuing their program.

mars can come across as a very detached individual, however, they are in actuality very passionate. get them speaking about something they have an interest in and they seem to do a complete 180 in personality as they talk. 

they enjoy experimenting in the kitchen, whether it be baking or cooking. occasionally, they’ll have their co-workers and some customers try one of their end products to get a gauge on how it turned out. unfortunately, they’re not always good. most of the time they’re stomach-able, though, so that’s good.

they just began a new podcast titled the chronicles of unknowing. they haven’t told anyone, but the main character is based off of their brother. they wanted to remember him and transform their grief into something that could possible help others but also potentially allow for isak to still touch peoples lives.

they publish the podcasts under the pseudonym mercury as they believe it takes the whole act of them creating away from their self and focuses things on the actual content they put out.

[diddilysquatbubkis]

Control (Peter Parker x Reader fanfiction)

A/N: Finally finished the fanfiction that was requested based off one of my imagines! Really hope you guys like it! I wanted to finish this earlier but I have been pounded with homework this week. This isn’t a full fanfic, and I want to keep it that way so it’s more towards YOU rather than a character that represents you (so basically it kind of drops off at the end so you can imagine an ending that would match your preferences). Anyways, hope you guys enjoy my first fanfic!

.

.

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Hundreds of lockers line the walls of high schools. Each assigned to its own person chosen at random. Two inseparable friends could have lockers on the opposite sides of the building just by chance.

Chance became king.

And chance assigned your locker to be next to Peter Parker. He was in your grade and you were content with him. Your relationship barely reached the definition of friendship, but it was well above the title of classmate. You two rarely talked, only when told to through group projects or partner quizzes, but you had a good communication with him.

Having lockers beside one another increased the conversation from a comfortable silence to a basic head nod. While you’re unsure of how it started, every day you two would give a small head nod towards each other when you were both at your lockers. Many outsiders who noticed decided to question the action, and neither of you had an explanation.

In times like these - dark and fearful times full of villains and rampage - a small head nod was simple push to make it to the next day. Enjoying the little things became a support group from the darkness that Earth was encountering.

While there were heroes to put an end to each villain, villainy would never cease. You had accepted this with ease, because there would be no heroes if there were no villains, but this didn’t change the fact that you stared at the news channels in fear of reading a headline stating that New York was being attacked by some inhumane force.

Thankfully, the only inhumane headlines you had to read were the worksheets and book chapters of your homework. Still, the feeling loomed over you.

You were not alone in this fearful state, in fact, most people you knew also held this constant thought of danger. Your younger brother, however, showed no signs of fear. While he wasn’t mature enough to understand the true dangers of the world, he was more mature than most in that he had hope and faith in his heroes.

Now you and your brother were living alone. Your grandmother took you two in after your parents abandoned you, but she died soon after. Instead of going into the foster system and being separated from your brother, you decides to illegally live there alone with him. Your grandma put you and only you in her will, so you didn’t have to worry about providing for your brother.

Because of this loss of parental guidance, your brother turned to looking up to superheroes. It escaped his knowledge that you were one of those heroes.

As a child, you parents experimented on you to become a superhuman, and it worked. But, after loosing control of your powers, they ran away from you and left you in the care of your baby brother. You rarely have used your powers since.

When you do decide to put aid into your powers, it is simply upon mundane acts such as shutting a door or grabbing something that was across the room. You could not risk the possibility of losing control or having someone catch you, so your powers were neglected.

And you were content with this. Using your powers would only put your brother in danger, and you vowed to protect him at all costs.

Peter, however, did not share this view.

Conveniently for the two of you, neither knew of each others powers.

You looked up to Spiderman yet ceased even the mere thought that your chemistry buddy was that hero.

To be fair to you, school - especially chemistry - only brought out the mundane in people, so the thought of anyone in your school being semi interesting seemed unlikely.

But you still found joy in your classes, especially when you and Peter were assigned partners for a science fair project together.

Peter was especially good at science, and you were pretty good too, so you knew that your project would be spectacular.

After the bell rang to dismiss class, Peter turned towards you.

“So, partner, any ideas on what you would want to do?” he asked.

“I can’t think of any off of the top of my head, but if I come up with something I’ll let you know,” you stated.

Peter smiled.

“I’ll do the same then!”

You decided to reconvene beside your lockers after school ended, and you spent the rest of the day brainstorming.

At the end of the day, you put your books away and waited for Peter to arrive.

Once he did, you pulled out your notebook and smiled at him.

“Uh oh. What did you come up with?” he joked.

“I have a couple of ideas,” you began. “One: Free energy through perpetual motion machines. Two: Diazotroph bacteria as a cereal crop growth promoter. Three: Creating a facility for farming on Mars. Four: Controlling food intake speed with electronic circuitry.”

“I like the one about perpetual motion. That’d be a really interesting project to make.”

You nodded in agreement.

“Cool! So when would you be able to work on it? I’m actually free tonight, if that works with you,” Peter suggested

You thought for a moment.

“Yeah, that works for me!” you smiled.

You suggested your house sense you needed to look after your brother. Peter seemed to like the idea, so you two walked back to your house together.

Your house wasn’t big by any means, but it was big enough for two or three people. Peter seemed to enjoy it and not mind its cozy nature.

In the kitchen, you made a snack for your brother while Peter brought out his laptop and notebook so you could start on your project.

Peter opened up the laptop and started to search on your research topic.

“Okay, ‘How to Make a Perpetual Motion Machine’. Sounds like a good resource,” Peter said as he clicked the link.

You glanced over your shoulder to view the screen. “That’s Wikipedia, Parker,” you said with a laugh.

Peter turned around, half amused that you called him by his last name, but also because you noticed that the site was Wiki.

“What’s your point?” Peter joked to which you laughed in return.

Just then, your brother came running into the house and into the kitchen where he heard you and Peter.

“What’s for snack?” he immediately asked, skipping any sort of manners.

You scoffed, “Well hello to you too.”

When your brother neglected to share any response, you answered his question.

“I’m making you a cheese sandwich. Does that sound good?”

Your brother nodded profusely.

You put the sandwich onto a plate and turned to Peter.

“Peter, this is Michael. Michael, this is Peter.”

Michael reached for the plate and his glass of milk, gave Peter a quick smile and wave, then ran up to his room.

You sighed, “Michael! Don’t spill on the carpet!” you yelled up the staircase.

Peter tried not to laugh, “Your brother is pretty great.”

You rolled your eyes and sat down next to him, “If by ‘pretty great’ you mean a pain to deal with,” you joked.

“Now let’s find a reliable website for our project, shall we?”

Hours passed by and you had begun to make dinner for the three of you. Peter didn’t question about where your parents were or any adult for that matter. You hadn’t told anyone about your lack of parental units in your home to anyone, and you were grateful that Peter didn’t mention it.

As you cooked and listened to Peter read articles about your project, you felt a small shake in the ground.

You stopped moving and Peter stopped talking.

You both glanced at each other and waited for the rumble again. And it happened.

You heard car horns blare and people shout, and your face went three shades lighter in an instant.

Peter quickly stood up and went outside to see what was happening, and you followed.

The streets were empty, but a giant beast loomed in the sky, and it was headed in your direction.

Without any hesitation, you sprinted up the stairs to your brothers room, and Peter followed.

Your brother was on the floor, homework spread out, sleeping. You went to scoop him up into your arms when you heard the roof of the house begin to crack.

You had no choice but to protect your brother, so you let your guard down and quickly threw a force field to surround you three.

It was completely black and you couldn’t see anything through it.

After a few seconds, you dropped the shield and ran to your sleeping brother.

You noticed the beast flying down the street, away from your house, and you also noticed Peter.

He looked more in shock than he did afraid.

Peter trembled on his words, “Y-you have powers.”

You looked down in shame of yourself.

“Parker, please don’t tell anyone else. Please I beg of you.”

“No. I won’t. I promise,” he swore.

You sighed, picked up your brother, and left the room.

Peter quickly followed behind you.

“So which superhero are you?” he asked.

“What?”

“Which hero are you?”

“I-I’m not a hero,” you stumbled.

Peter scoffed, “Are you kidding me? You have some of the coolest powers I have ever seen!”

You turned around quickly to face him. “Yes, I have powers. But they are dangerous. I’m not risking that.”

“Well that’s why you train. To gain control of your powers,” he said convincingly.

You sighed, “That would involve using my powers. I can’t do that. Not again.”

[noxus-the-venomous-blog]

Part 2.02 KICK THE WORLD FACE

"YOU MOCK MY LAIR?!" Noxus grabbed the man by the collar. "You dare come into my place of dwelling with lll words?!"

"We're really doing this?" Big problem asked with a sigh as he watched his smaller friend building up steam to torment the man in his clutches.

"I will reach inside of your meager brain."

"Yeah now I know we're definitely doing this." BP sat down, awaiting a long monologue.

"And when I'm finish twisting and turning every spark in your meager mentality…"

"Oh come on this is often the funnest part of the day!" Tranquill said to big problem, poking him in his gorilla like shoulders.

"...and when all that's left of your brain is the shallow pleadings of a child's mind you will kiss my boot and beg for me to end your life."

"Dude I'm not even the one who gets to keep the rent money I just collect it. The management decides the when the inspection happens! They only pay me like 50 bucks a month," the young man grumbled, held tight in the rubber fists of Noxious.

“Is it worth your life?” “Fine dude we can do the inspection next week. You need to be on medication bruv,” he remarked as noxious loosened his grip on him.

“The whole world needs to be on medication…” Noxious said slowly as the man walked away. He then turned around to face his audience who was already snickering at him “That was Jeff, the supers assistant. Good kid. So let's get down to business”

“To COMPLETE! The PUN!” Tranquill shouted, smiling widely. Her joke found no success however, in a crowd where one was too old for reference and the other was too uncultured.

“Is this really the place to talk… Private? Like that dude weird girl across the road has been sitting there filming you for the past twenty minutes.” BP pointed across to the set of parallel storage containers on the other side of the lot.

“That's um…. That's my PR TEAM! FOR FILMING PROPAGANDA!”

“YO BIG GUY TAKE OFF YO PANTS!” the woman yelled.

Big Problem shot her a puzzled look. “Lets go to my place Nox. This place smells like raccoons and sadness.”

“You have a place?” Tranquill asked as she grabbed her coat.

“Yeah of course. Do you guys think i only exist in the world to help ya then when i'm done i teleport to another dimension and sit around waiting for you to need help again??” “That would be very useful” Noxious replied.

“SHAZAM!” Tranquill added.

“Well that's not my power. Although i met a guy like that, nice dude, gay as a rainbow on a unicorns butt, now can we go to my place?”

“That's homophobic” Tranquill accused.

“Im quoting the guy, besides i'm a villain, social standards are the laws i’m LEAST worried about breaking.”

“We shall ride to your lair and resume our business there,” decided Noxious, “Um…. we need a ride though.”

“Heh… I'll bring the truck around but you’re going to be a little cramped.”

The truck putted down an empty highway, bellowing black smoke out from its aged, rusted exhaust. It slipped and stumbled in momentum each time Big Problem had to jam the clutch down and shift. The old metal shifter smacking into Noxious’ leg every time the lowest or highest gear was used. Tranquil, leaned in on Noxious’ shoulders affectionately, squishing him closer to BP who already took up most of the truck.

“Ok so we can start talking now. I need to know how seriously you two take this. How focused are you?”

“I take it very seriously,” Tranquill said.

“Well now you do,” Noxious contradicted.

“Well ok sure for the first few months i was pretty sure we were larping but im totally caught up now. I share his passions for this world and this work. I agree with every word of his personal diary.”

BP raised an eyebrow. “You guys share your diaries?”

“Define shaRE-” Noxious was cut off as first gear needed to be used again.

“What you two need is money.”

“We’re not greedy though,” Tranquil rolled down the window slightly, noticing her boyfriend sweating a bit due to his awkward seat status.

“OF COURSE YOU’RE NOT! You’re poor. Greed is a rich man's game. Look you don't have to have a mansion in the hills, but no one accomplishes change in the world without money. I know a guy who works for a place. That's not me being coy that's literally how you refer to his business. Anyway, he can really make the difference for you guys. How do you currently wash your money?”

Noxious spoke up before Tranquill could make a joke, “we basically don't. But we don’t make enough to require it. We have been seeking out some form of fence for jewelry or other valuable things that are easy to sell.”

“That’s adorable. Yeah just sign up at the evil guildhall and they introduce you to ye olde jewelry fence. Look little guy...”

“I AM AVERAGE SIZE!!!”

“That's why you’re sitting in the middle then?” BP says as he rams the shifter into Nox’s leg and slows at a stop sign “Anyway, hear me out. You don't just run around town looking for random junk worth money, you’re a villain not a crackhead. You need to talk to the right people, the ones i'm going to introduce you to, and find out what they would want. Sometimes it’s an object, sometimes it’s a service. Sometimes it might be something right up your alley like gassing someone or making menacing threats.”

Tranquill chimed in, “this is what we need, he makes so many menacing threats for free currently.”

“Exactly. Now if ya find a bar of gold on the ground, or happen upon a car made of diamonds, then sure you bet your ass you take it and just give it to the guy and he’ll give you credit. But nothing compares to what you can make by finding them just what they need at a given time… Ok we’re here.”

The truck pulls up to an old iron security gate. Before them is a long driveway, weaving through clusters of lavish landscaping. He presses a button on the worn out sun visor then shuts it as the fabric nearly tears. The gate in front of them opens and he begins driving through.

“Wait… When… What…” Noxious stuttered, “ARE WE ROBBING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW?!”

“Yeah cause if we were, im wanting you to just scream about it,“ BP joked, “no this is my house, and it's nice to know you seeing it makes you want to rob it. Guess i'm doing a good job with it. Were gonna pull around back, wait, how the hell would i have a gate opener for a place i'm robbing?”

“I don't know…. Stole it ahead of time? Hacked it?” noxious knew he was digging his own grave deeper.

They pulled around to the back of the quite sizable home and into a ramp leading to a parking garage, one story below ground. This presented a stark contrast to the lush gardens they had recently passed. This basement was empty and plain, with a sofa on one wall crowded around a large tv, and a bed across the way on the adjacent wall. BP slowly pulled into a parking spot next to a luxurious looking car.

“See look at this place we have WAY more privacy to talk here. The whole place is sound proof. I'll have Alfred order a pizza and we can start talking about real business.”

“No you have to explain first,” Noxious insisted.

“Explain what?”

“EVERYTHING!”

BP leaned back on the broken tailgate of the truck “Uhhh… So in the beginning there was nothing, then BAM than mars and stars and cows and shit.”

“How about first WHO’S ALFRED?”

“The butler.”

“You have a butler named Alfred?” Tranquill giggled.

“Yeah i thought it would be funny.”

“What would be?” Noxious asked, getting dizzy at all he's had to take in.

“To name my butler Alfred.”

“WAIT YOU NAMED A BUTLER?” Tranquill protested in sheer confusion.

“You guys have a hard time staying on topic.” BP guided them over to the rather homely couch and they each took a seat. “So missy. I'm gonna ask you again. How serious are you about being a criminal.”

The tone of the room became more serious all of a sudden.

“I would follow him wherever he goes. Seriously. Even into the bathroom.”

“She’s like a cat,” added Noxious.

BP interrupted them. “You need to quit your job.”

 Tranq looked at the ground for a moment. “But… My debts. I worked hard to get a job in my field.”

“And you'll never be worse off for it, you'll take those skills with you into whatever you do but do you really wanna be working an office job when the cops show up? You guys have to start living this, it ain't the kinda lifestyle someone does on the weekends. You gotta be done with the nine to five, done with the rented storage shack and done with the BS small time jobs. I want you guys to move your lair in here, i want you guys to start taking jobs with me and get yourselves a proper home. I want you guys to win on this and i'll help but if it's not what you want, what you truly desire, then you gotta walk away before someone gets hurt.”

“This is…. A lot.”

Noxious stepped forward. “My burden of fixing this world is not something i want dragged into.”

BP stood up to outmatch noxious in height if not determination. “You’re not going to get what you want without help.”

A moment went by. The two of them stood in a quiet stillness like an old western movie. The energy seemed aggressive but it felt more compassionate than that. Noxious knew that in this moment BP was not questioning his motive, but instead he's being forced to question it himself.

“I want to quit my job,” Tranquil broke the silence, “I want out of that stupid storage container. I want the neighbor girl to stop whistling when i wash the van. I WANT TO GET RID OF THE VAN! I HATE THE STUPID VAN!”

“I HATE THE VAN TOO!” Noxious matched her energy “I HATE THE STUPID SHIFTER KNOB! It has no button and my thumb sits on the side of it funny.”

“I hate my job. I hate my debt. “

“Even if the button didn't function, it should still be there.”

“I hate all of my co workers. All of them. There's not one redeemable thought made in that building all day. I hate work i hate school and i hate everyone. That’s why i'm here. I want to wreck this world not just live in it.”

“THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! LET'S KICK THE WORLD IN THE FACE!” BP grabbed a beer.

Noxious moved his hand in a ‘kinda’ gesture. “I'm more on the fixing it side… With gas.”

“YEAH let's tear down society!!!” Tranquill exclaimed.

“I'm like… Chaotic good if anything.”

“LET'S KICK LIFE IN THE BABY MAKER AND MAKE OUR OWN WAY!!!”

Noxious looked at both of them. “Screw it, burn the world down” he said as he reached down for a beer for him and Tranquill. They all clanked cans, BP and Tranq opened and chugged their beers. Noxious paused for a moment, then opened his beer, pulled up his mask and met their pace.

-----------------------supersecretspecialdeletedpatreonexclusivelike&subscribeOVENDING

“He was choking me man. He threatened me!”

“Who?”

“The little gas mask guy. The one from space 25.”

“Oh him. Leave em alone he just talks that way.”

“BUT HE THREATENED TO GAS ME!!”

“Out of everyone in this whole park he's the only one who visits my mom. No clue how they met but she loves the little guy. He's got a big heart. Since he's been around her depression is unnoticeable. She's baking more, laughing more. Seeing her happy and tasting her food again has lifted my spirits too. Leave him be, he makes people happy.”