#this is at least way funnier than the elf pee ask that I keep getting

[copperbadge]

your portrayal of mpreg jesus is seriously laughable. you really think he would suddenly start developing seahorse mannerisms as early as in the first trimester? give me a break. everyone knows you're just projecting because youre a furry. can't wait to read the next chapter though! :)

Hey asshole, supporting the Mascot Hall of Fame doesn’t make me a furry, it just means I like sports mascots. 

As for seahorse mannerisms in the first trimester, that’s a very classic trope and even if it weren’t, I refer you to Jesus Canon aka the Bible where it CLEARLY states “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). 

And even if that weren’t the case, seahorse biology is pretty clear: if Jesus is capable of carrying a child seahorse-fashion, then he already has a brood pouch prepared and would be engaging in seahorse mannerisms prior to Mary Magdalene ever laying eggs in it. 

So take your judgey “Jesus would never kin with seahorses” attitude and your fucked up definition of furries and fuck right off into the sun, which orbits around the earth the way GOD INTENDED. 

(This is an ask that has been circulating Tumblr and I’ve seen it at least once before, so knowing it was a joke I thought I’d take it as a prompt and have a bit of fun with it. Mind you, I do love a mascot, but I am neither a Furry, a Christian, a follower of the New Testament, nor a writer of Jesus MPREG. Though if I were I think scripture would back me.)

[springalwayscomes]

WAP

Plot: Christmas this year seems to be the gloomiest ever... until your boyfriend decides he wants to make you smile, and trust me when I say he would do anything for it.

Pairing: Hoseok x Reader

Genre: Humor, Fluff, Established Relationship

Wordcount: 1.3k

Content Warning: Stripping, sexual tension

Author’s Note: I hope this will make you smile, I can actually picture Hobi doing something like this ㅋㅋ

Another huff escapes your lips as you stare at the empty table. This year Christamas feels so sad, seeing your house all empty and cold makes you squeeze yourself more in your jumper. You were supposed to spend this day with the rest of the boys, have fun like every other year and enjoy each other’s company, like everyone else. However, Corona Virus had different plans for the world, so you just ended up staying at home with your boyfriend. It’s weird to not be in each other’s presence at this time of the year, you miss the warm feeling of family, laughing until you cry - or until you pee yourself, it only happened once, you swear -.

The fact that your boyfriend is locked in your bedroom from at least thirty minutes makes you deprime even more as you blandly sweep the floor, you don’t need all this time alone right now. It’s just going to make you feel more sad, so you decide to go upstairs to see what he’s been up to. It’s weird for Hobi to be so silent, he usually likes to play music out loud when he’s at home and in your bedroom alone. The fact that he’s been so silent for thirty minutes and that he’s like this on Christmas Day makes you worry just a little bit as you knock at the door of your bedroom.

The snort that comes at the sound from inside makes you furrow your eyebrows.

«Hobi? ‘You okay?» you ask. You wait for him to answer, but silence is the only thing you receive, so you decide to swing the door open-

«Oh my God!»

You can’t believe what you’re looking at. Your boyfriend standing just a few feet away from you dressed head to toe as an elf, eyes already on you and trying to hold back a laughter. Useless to say, holding back a laughter for Hoseok is as impossible as for a human to fly, and when he bursts out you do the same. You hold your belly with your hands as he gets closer and closer, laughing for who the hell knows what. He’s not the type to feel uncomfortable dressed like this - even though it’s the first time he does something like this on Christmas -, and the look on his face as he laughs is one of those that doesn’t reveal any kind of informations.

«What-» you cut yourself off when he places his hands on your shoulders, shutting his mouth as a desperate attempt to stop laughing, face red and eyes glossy. He looks at you from up, guiding you fully into the room, every step seems to be insecure as his mind wanders who knows where.

«Sit here» he’s still chuckling as he lightly pushes you onto the bed making you sit on the edge of the mattress. You take in the full sight in front of you only now: green shirt with incredibly big red buttons, shorts as the same color of the buttons and a thick brown belt that looks like it’s made of plastic, the pointed elf shoes seem to be three times bigger than his feet and the hat on his head makes him look so cute that you’d die only to squeeze his cheeks.

Hobi wards off, stepping towards your nightstand in his big shoes until he reaches the Bluetooth speaker. He grabs his phone from the pocket of the shorts and a second later WAP is filling the air of your bedroom and make your hair stand on edge. He’s obsessed with this song, the way he would often try to rap naughty words in English always makes you laugh.

Hoseok turns around, slowly and desperately trying not to burst out in a laughter, it makes you giggle once again as he steps back to you.

«You said you were sad,» his voice is on the edge, it shakes as he tries not to laugh with you «so I thought...»

«Thought what?» you ask, finally gaining back your seriousness. His cheeks lift up, two beautiful dimples gracing his face as he thinks of what to say. The thought he did all of this just to make you smile already makes you happy, he wouldn’t need to do anything else. Seeing him being so cute in this elf custom already cured your quarantine depression and you’re sure will make you smile until the day you’re done breathing.

«Just watch, okay?»

And like that, he starts dancing. His body starts moving and you loose control of yourself, totally filled with laughter and joy as you watch him move his hips in a sexual manner. Long gone is the gloomy feeling of being in an empty house at Christmas, now the room feels way to small to contain you two as he desperately tries to maintain a stern expression, still swinging his hips and raising his brows quickly enough to make you laugh even louder. Hoseok gets closer and closer, the disguise he’s wearing makes it all even funnier, in fact if it wasn’t for it you would probably be staring at his muscles flex under the clothes.

«Hobi» you call out, holding your stomach in your hands still laughing like an idiot. Your boyfriend doesn’t answer, he just gets closer again as he keeps dancing, this time bringing his hands to the edge of the green shirt. Your mouth falls open as you watch him slowly - very slowly - lifting it up and revealing his abs, twitching as his hips keep moving. It’s a weird combo seeing him dress like this and moving so sensually, but you don’t complain.

«Are you stripping for me?» you giggle as he raises his shirt more and more, eyes focused on you and big smile on his face threatening to burst into a laughter.

«Isn’t it obvious?» he stops his movements, surrendering to the laughter that has been threatening him for all this time. The way his eyes crinkle and his white teeth show on full display lights up a new loving sentiment in your chest, the fondness you feel for him reaching its peak as you hear him laugh out loud, the best sound you’ve ever heard.

«I need to be serious» he mumbles between laughters, his tone screaming nothing but happiness. You shake your head as he starts dancing again, finally removing the green shirt with a quick and skilled movement that makes you both laugh and stare. His abs keep twitching as he swings his hips and you can feel his gaze on you as you raise yours, his dark amused eyes looking at you as he smiles widely.

«I’m happy,» you let out «I’m happy»

Hobi licks his lips, bringing his hands to the waste-bend of the shorts.

«Happy is not enough» he’s doing all he can not to burst out laughing again, his hands slowly pushing the shorts lower and lower until they reach his thighs and eventually fall to the ground.

«Oh God» you don’t know anymore what to do, and you can’t deny that your cheeks are starting to burn. His movements are so freaking sensual that you already feel you panties getting wet but the situation only makes you laugh.

«Please, just come here»

«I want to make you laugh more» he responds, his full cheeks reddening as he shakes his head to himself at what he’s doing. A second later his pointed shoes are long forgotten on the ground and when you get up from your spot on the bed Hobi feels the need to hug you tighter than ever.

«You always make me laugh»

You stop in front of him, WAP still playing in the background as your eyes meet him once again. Hoseok is hopeless, shameless when it comes to you, and the fact that he knows it only makes it more dangerous to him. He doesn’t care if the next time he will have to dress as a clown and strip to make you smile, he’d do it without even thinking about it twice.

«I just want to see you happy» he glares at you, fondness shining in his big sparkling eyes. And you can’t hold back anymore, immediately placing your lips on his, where they belong. Tongues searching each others and breaths soon becoming too short.

«You’re really obsessed with this song»

you murmur. Hobi’s laugh makes you laugh too, just like always. He’s your sun.

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