#this is and depression is why i went on that reblog hiatus months ago

[saccharine-seashells]

chat give me courage… chat give me strength…

anxiety is so fucking stupid… why do i feel like a creep for reblogging and talking in the tags??

and on the reblogging and talking in the tags site no less!!!

[little-precious-baby]

This 2020...

First of all, I know most of the people did this many days ago but I thought today was like the best for me to say goodbye to this year.

Not to mention that this year has been very difficult, not only for me but for everyone. A pandemic that brought us many changes of which many are not yet comfortable and is understandable. In my case, in this year I have been able to understand many things, I have suffered and had to face other problems, and of course, I enjoyed important moments with my friends and family. My first decision this year I remember was cutting off my bangs without my parents' permission. I was scolded for weeks, even months and yes, I accept that seeing that picture from the first day of the school year is going to haunt me for a long time but I don't regret what I did. Is not a secret that for many of my irl friends, I'm like a little child that needs attention because if you give me your back, probably I'll be cutting my hair or even doing something worse.

As for emotional and friendship issues... I have to admit that I broke friendships in a non-gentle way, there were also discussions over totally stupid topics and not to mention love issues that simply ended up being a failure—a waste of time, to be honest.

While it hasn't been such an easy year, there's something I still don't even regret doing: coming here to Tumblr. My previous account has many years to created here —probably in 2017— however, at that time I didn't try to search much as I got to do this year and I'm glad I did because I met great people. Sadly I doubt at some point to meet you in person, but I hope you keep in mind that you make my days happier with your comments or just being you. I hope our friendship continues and that you all don't get sick of me so easily. Also, I wish you all the best as I know each of you is talented and has the ability to succeed in your lives. <3

Uh, the paragraphs 👉🏼👈🏼

Also I want you to know that this isn't in an specific order and that I hope you don't feel bad with my words.

💙 - @latte-fairytaekwoon

How can I start this without you rejecting my love? <3 You were one of the first people I decided to approach. I remember reading one or two of your works and just thinking "Wow, she writes very well... I'm going to follow her; it's going to be fun and interesting." I was planning not to talk to you at the beginning, to be honest. My end in mind was just to read what you updated and since you were the third account with content I had decided to follow, I thought it was a good plan. But one thing led to another and I decided to talk to you —which you probably regret since I bother you a lot lmao— and yeah, that's how we met and still talk to each other. I also need to mention that whenever I tried to talk to you about my problems or things that overwhelmed me, you always knew what to say to me even if that included to scold me. You always made me come to my senses. Many times I mentioned to you that you were like a mother to me as you "gave me those vibes" but how can you not? While you don't usually show so much affection through direct words of "I love you" "I care you," I feel them when you advise me. It's going to sound too idk, but I really don't regret to met you, Kitty. This looks like a bible and words repeating over and over again but how to show you that I appreciate, admire and love you if I always try to let you know? At this point if you still think I don't care of you, you are dumb 💖 By the way, it's worth mentioning that you and I have a long path together and you'll continue to be attacked with my love, support and jokes. I love you, mom 😗💙

💖 @winterviolet1

To be honest, I feel bad for not remembering how we started talking... I don't remember if I followed you first or if it was the other way around but hey, let's look on the bright side, it was fun to have met you and come together to always annoy Sofie with Hongjoong gifs <3 I hope we can still be little demons together and please, PLEASE, stop killing me 💀 I love when you send me gifs of Jongho because wow, that boy is definitely a daddy and more when he dances —I refuse to deviate from the subject but he jdudbd— but yeah, he kills me even when he just smiles. My point is that when I see those gifs, I went into a state where my mind goes to places that is better not to mention and I blush because yeah, we talk about my bias isbdkddj and I also frustrate because I find myself unable to return the same treatment to you dkdnskd. Ps: Let me know when we'll be demons again <3

💖 @teeztheflag

Your reactions are idejdindd art I feel shy as I know I never got to create a bond big enough to make you call my friend or that you consider me your friend but hey, it was great to talk to you. <3

Atte: the Slyffindor Girl 💀

💖 @twancingyunhoe

ALLYSSA 🥺 Okay, okay, just mention your name and I'll get in cute mode. I remember following you, yet I hadn't dared talk to you much. The safest thing I'd ever said to you was "Hello! I walk by giving love and support!" for days later asking if you were going to adopt me to have adopted Gabby as my sister 🥺 You're a beautiful person who has such a big, beautiful heart that makes me soft. I know I haven't exchanged many words with you this past month, but I hope that's not going to affect the fact that you're important to me. Thank you for accepting me, giving me love and always being so pretty. <3 kith kith

💖 @tinkerbellwoo

You are such a gift to me diejsndis. Since the first time I knew you, you were very kind and lovely to me. You won a part of my heart with your kindness and yeah, I do remember going to your asks and just "Hey, here is a bunch of love from me to you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Also I hope we can be friends" kejebskssi. That was like my way to ask to be one of your closer moots because you were just so cool and I wanted to be friends with the wonderful person I saw had interactions with some of my moots. I'm sorry because I have time without actually having a large conversation with you and is completely my fault... I hope this new year will change that and I can talk more to you 🥺💖

💖 @yungidreamer

My older sister :( I'm so happy I had the opportunity to talk to you 👉🏼👈🏼 I still don't forget that you once used the dissapointed card with meeee, your little cute princess angel baby sister. I have cero regrets welcome you into my big, not normal, Tumblr family because yeah, probable we aren't the same but at the same time we are the same, if you know what I mean 👀 I hope we can have more conversations between each other because I know is very interesting to talk to you but at the same time I'm so shy :(

💖 @yunderland / @shangri-woo

How can I began this? Ksbsdusbs First, I need ti be honest. I do have my thirst times and well, I read many of your works in ghost mode 👉🏼👈🏼 I was kinda shy to just idk, interact kdidbdkd. Also I began to see you interact with Amelie and was funny and I began to think "What happens if I do try to be friends with her?" but also "What if she doesn't like how I am? I ccan be a bother some times...". And yeah, I was thinking that for maybe two days until I decided to make a move. I followed you and I said "Hi 👉🏼👈🏼 I saw you talking with Amelie... You seem like a kind and lovely person, mind if I try being friends with you?" skdbsudbdks. I. Will. Not. Regret. Talking. To. You. You are such a good person :( Every time we talk, you are just so attentive that makes me soft. Please, keeo being my friend :( even if you don't consider me as your friend :(

💖 @ursaurora

Well, I don't have that much to say because I just said hi while being in hiatus but hey, I really really like the idea of being friends with you. This doesn't stopped me to wish you a good New Year and hey, why not hoping to have a good relationship between each other? <3

💖 @illicit-roses

Rosa xkenskd you sidjdndid are isbddkdj a ksudkdid baby. Such a beautiful, sweet, kind and big hearted baby. I was also the first one to talk to you and I was the one that began being surprised by your words isbwkdz. Not to mention that I also got shy and touched by your words. In this year, I would love to be more close to youuuuuu <3

💖 @inkigayeo / @woo-san

Vivi, I don't know if you will read this so probably if you do, is because I told you in private kxjsksdnsk. I don't feel like remembering you how I began talking to you because you asked and I already told you that but something I for sure need you to know is that... I'm still very touched by your encouraging words to me. I think our first first conversation was about me being depressed and how I was feeling toward myself, then about my admission test that hey, you did amazing with your words. I remember I cried because yeah, I was anxious but you told me a great advice. And when I didn't do well on that an also began saying sorry to you for not doing well, you gave me anither good words that hey... How not be in love with Vivi? Vivi is just a Queen with a big heart and kindness to give to everyone :(( <3

💖 @atinyedits / @atinywrites

My lovely and beautiful Anrose kdbdkzkzd I remember I began to talk to you after I saw a post of Cottons talking about how you were such a fk rat brat and my first thought was "Hey, I want to be her friend" lol. And guess what? That's what I did isbszlxudbzk I went to your asks and I asked you if you wanted to be my friend and you accepted. We began talking and I began having this love to you idbesldjdbs. But something I do need to make clear is that I didn't thought you will be part of my Tumblr family as my mom kdjdsldudhs I still remember reblogging with an "you are married with Allyssa?! She is my mooooom" and yeah, you were welcome to a natural habit of a family who is thirsty 24/7 for Ateez or each other and yeah, such a triangle live attraction and the foughts you still have with my other mom kdisjsnd. But I hope you feel the love I have for you. Because I do love you and I trust you enough. Don't you remember how I send you photos of my body? I do feel insecure about it and still regret to be being called a Queen but yeah, I trust and love you enough, my Anrose <3

💖 @atiny-ahgase

Gabby, my sweetest sister 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 How can I began this? Well... Not to mention that I usually read your interactions with Zad and as I wasn't someone you knew, I was scared to talk to both of you. You because I was mostly shy and for Zad because I thought he was intimidating, funny, right? Well, I'm not sure if I do told you about giving you tons of love and support directly but I do remember adopting Zad as my brother and he telling me he had a sister and my first thought was "Hey, why I can't have a big sister too?" and then I began talking to you and with what I was welcomed? By tons of love and cute gifs of kisses and hugs. You make me feel lovved, Gabby. You are such an angel 🥺 Please, don't stop loving your baby sister Mei <3

💖 @shinyddeonghwa

Omg, omg, omg. I feel bad because I don't even know how I began talking to you T^T I feel bad to admit that I get confused between you and Treasure and ksbsizbdsis I think it was with you that I talked in Portuguese jzusnsks and if not, I'm sorry for the miss understanding ksisjs T^T but something I for sure remember if you trying to dom me and then getting flustered when that didn't worked and it was my time then isnwishsslsns I also need to mention that is always cute everything you do dkdbskzusks even how you talk to me <3 I hope our friendship can last for more time <3

💖 @sansbun & @choisans-dimples

Bun and Cass, the brat in denial 👀😗, the sweetest babies I have met. Two lovely babies that love cats and San. I think my first interaction with the both of you was because of the Tumblr family. Bun, I'm sorry for not talking too much to you. You are such a kind person and I would like to be closer to you in this new year. And for Cass, we talked more in discord but still wasn't that much :( But it was actually funny to see you fighting with Mari, it was cute nsisnslds. I hope both of you know that your auntie loves you so much <3

💖 @galaxteez

ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH <3

Our first conversation was something thirsty, I'm 100% sure about that. And how to forget how I always forgot to turn on to be anon siwnsibddk8dn. But I'm still sure you loved to see my asks while me being anon than when it was actually me because mine was just cute, giving tons of love to you when my anon... Well... My anon 😗 I know I have time without having thisty talks with you so maybe this new year will mark the difference 👀 <3

💖 @ateezstanlove

Ndyensiddhsihssjwj here is when my mind is having problems to remember how I actually met everyone and that's making me feel bad skdbwksjzns but something I can be 100% is that I tried really hard every day to make you feel all the love I can give. I still remember when I saw you were on hiatus and thinking about leaving Tumblr. Being honest, I was really sad but hey, you are here now to receive all my love and have those lustful thoughts about Wooyoung's thighs —I saw that, sis 😗. But yeah sksnqisndks. I love you and I hope we can have more time as sisters this year <3

💖 @ateez-little-star

Jas, the beautiful star in the sky 🥺 You were actually my first sister in my Tumblr Family. I still think is funny how I try really hard to baby you but at the end is in the other way, you end baby me skjssksisns 🥺🥺🥺🥺 How can I be more grateful to met you, uh? You always listened to my problems and I do considered a lot your opinions, is very kind to talk to you. I feel always loved when I talk to you. Also not to mention how I felt when during the night you left and when I searched you, you were gone. I was really sad and my first thought was "If she doesn't come back... She will remember me?" ksudisbskd but in days you came back and I was so happy :(( Please don't leave me again, Jas :( You are very soecial to me, my baby sis 🥺💖

💖 @hiatus-kittenmbb

Msisnsiddn MU AUNTIE HERE, EVERYONE. MSIWBSKDJDSBSB I want your love, cuddles, kisses and all the things you can give me and I'll make sure to make you feel the same, with tons of love <3 Not to mention how funny is to talk to you and all the times you told me to bother Kitty mom hahaha such a good and lovely relationship both of you have hahaha. Ps:Don't forget I love you so much, Auntie <3

💖 @hwastreasure

Mia :( I'm sorry because I don't have many things to say but at the same time I don't want you to feel sad about it. I remember I told you I will talk constantly to you and I didn't do it. Please forgive me :(( Can we try again and be closer now? :(

💖 @hongjoong-a-holic

SOFIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-.... Oh, no. My mistake. Let me try again. MY LIL LIOOOOOOOOOOOON GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR~. I don't have a lot of words how to describe the love and affection I have for you. You were always paying attention to me and giving me love —not to mention that you told me I needed to hug you just because you wanted nsisns and I say no lol— and that's cute sksnsksis. I also want to say that all those times that I do bother you with Blue about gifs of Ateez dancing sexily and those smuts and all that explication of sexuality... I have cero regrets! :D lmao. If you really thought I will say sorry about that, is a nono. I know you love it at the end lmao. But there is something I for sure need to be sorry... I know you were sad about me leaving ti be on hiatus and I still did but baby, I really needed to do it. I promise I'll be back soon. Very soon, just wait for me <3

💖 @hwaberrykiwi

Cam, Cam, Cam, Cam :(( I began to talking to you thanks to Jas that she asked me if I knew you and I said no and she just make me talk to you and guess what? I'm happy she did that because hey, I met an amazing person. And even if we didn't talked that much, something my heart will not forget are the words you told me when I said Uw as going on hiatus. I was really touched, I cried. I really did at the end but yeah. I would love to be more close to such a person with a big big heart <3

💖 @joongieblue

I don't even know how to began this because I think everything I need you to know, you already know it but at the same time I feel like I still need to say a lot :(( I don't want you to feel less as a person anymore... I know you said that way of thinking is because of your depression but baby, try to look at the amazing people who are with you, that cares about how you are and of course you are very important to them. You are very sweet and amazing as a person, let me tell you that I see in you a soft light. A very pure light that needs to shine bright in the sky but the darkness is making her feel like a insuficient and lonely light. Don't worry, things will get better soon. Trust me <3

💖 @seonghwa-is-babie

How can I began this without this looking awkward? 👉🏼👈🏼 I met you thanks to Zad and what I learned is that you were such a good, kind and shy boy but of course I still think you can be very intimidating if you want to. I'm sorry for not having a lot of conversation with you since I met you but I promise I'll try harder to be close to you. Of course, if you don't mind <3

🧡 - @seacottons

How can I began this?... The first time I talked to you, it was me trying to tease you really bad. I can also remember I told you to cald me kitten or something like that at that moment and the next thing we talked was about how I wanted to be adooted by you so bad isnsldks I don't regret doing all what you wanted me to do so you can adopt me because hey, you are amazing, wonderful as my other mom. Talking to you is like a way to calm my insecurities and stress I had during the day. You always giving love to me and even those cute hugs in the head you give or when you are too much sleepy to even type correctly iwjeneid you are such a baby :(( I'm still sorry for the time I called you a rouch, you aren't a bug... You are a beautiful, sweet, kind Queen I have the posibility to call mom. Not to mention that you are also my sweet, cool pumpkin —favorite— mom. Also, I can remember all those times you told me to bother or kick Kitty just because "she need it" dkbsskdjd the time you also wanted to disown me dibedidnzsj Leaving that topic to say cute things I love about you again is that... I'll be forever happy and gratefull with you. You gave me great advice when I needed them the most. You gave me a shoulder and a soft comfortable place to talk about my deep problems, my insomnia, depression, all of that. Thank you, mom. Thank you so much for letting me be part of your life and of course, youre mine. I will not share with Kitty <3

💖 @jongpleasure

My lovely, sweet and innocent twin ^^ lmao, we know we both are like really really twins. Our birthdays are very close, we both are Cancers, have the same bias that we share with each other because damn, he is really nice. But hey, is still very good to know you because you are talented, really really talented. The videos you create are wonderful and I am not saying that just because I know you, they are very good. The same with your fics, are amazing. You are an amazing writer, why you can't see that, uh? Want me to kiss your cheeks and hug you hard till you learn it? If you do want it, you are free to come to me and I'l give ut to you because msidbwks you are my lovely twin that I love so much. Have a great new year, I hope all your problems get resolved and you can noticed how you are talented enough to succeed and that you have friends in here that love you so bad. Kyra, my sweet twin I love so much <3

🕷️🕸️ - @yunhoshoe / @jonghoshoe

Aw, my baby prince Zad :(( The one I can trully see as a baby even when you are such a year younger than me. I want to protect you every time, even when I know I can't do that much virtually... So everytime I need to make me feel that I gave you all the love I can give and hope you can feel all the love I try to give you every time we talk. I'm still sorry for that time I make you feel uncomfortable with my missunderstanding about spiders and all of that... I'm also sorry for that time I send you gifs about dogs when you were scared of them... I'm really sorry, baby. Your big sister is dumb many times but hey, she is also still learning and want to give all she can to you. I hope this new year, we cab still be closer. Who is my little sweet, cute baby prince? Of course, you <3

💖 @xiuminswifeforever

I know we aren't that close, sadly. I follow you on twitter and here and everytime we talk is probably you being horny and wanting to have sex or somethung with your hmm... Is funny to talk to you and I know you told me that you are mostly in twitter and that was why we don't talk that much but hey, I would love to talk more with you. Want to try in this new year? <3

💜 - @yunhoiseyecandy

My sweet angel Violet :(( HoW I can began this? Kdsndid I don't remember very well how I began talking to you... Like I try really hard to remember how I began talking to you and my mind is in blank siwnsksus I'm sorry because of that but at the same time, is the good memories that are important to remember, right? How can I not be feeling grateful with the angel that with some kind words that came from her heart, made me a crying mess because of how touched I was? :(( There are many things I know I will not forget. That time I was feeling low beecause someone was just being very mean with me and you were protective, your kind words when I was just losing my mind and feeling all that pain inside and you helped me release that... For this year, I hope we can still be friends because you are amazing and I don't want to lose you :( <3

💖 @treasure-hwa

I feel really bad if I began saying this but I do want to say the truth and the truth is that I usually get confused between shinnyddeonhwa because you both had/have Hwa in their profiles and I know you both don't even write in the same way but idk, is easily for me to get confused, I'm sorry T^T Changing the subject, I really loved that time when we began talking in Portuguese and Spanish at the same time. Was really funny to even think how everyone would saw that ksjsnskdd Also I am very touched and happy when you roleplay with me... You are very sweet even while roleplaying and that makes me soft in such a way dksbskdid I would like to roleplay again with you, only if you want to any other time 👉🏼👈🏼 Also in this new year, I hope we can still be talking to each other for a long time, sister <3

💖 @cometoceantrenches

Not me being speechless every time I began writing a paragraph kwusnekdid also not me becoming your friend the second you asked me how was the relationship between Cottons and I 👉🏼👈🏼 But look at the good side, we are sisters now and guess what? I noticed how you have a big BIG heart and all the love you can give is just so cute when I receive it or just read it. I hope in this new year we can make new and memorable conversations together. Don't forget you have an special space in my heart <3

🤍 - @vocalyunho

Amelie, my sweet and lovely wife :(( How can I began this? I remember the first time I talked to you. I said your writing skills were amazing and that you were cute and I wanted to try being your friend. Not to mention that two days later I ask you to be my wife dkebdidbdkd But I don't regret that at all. I'm really happy I met you because every time I talk to you, I feel in a safe space... A place I can say how I really feel without being judged... And what do I receive every time I talk my problems out? Sweet words and advice :(( Amelie you are such a good girl, a good advicer and an amazing friend. Thank you so much for letting me be your friend. I know I won something big with your beautiful friendship. Also I know that you have problems and stress but hey, as you said, things hopefully will get better, we just need to be patient and wait. And don't forget that you can come to me everytime you want. I'll be here for you, Amelie. Anlso in this new year, I hope our friendship can grow bigger and yeah, why not trying to create new memories together? Remember you are Yunho of our 2Ho. Love you <3

💖 @sollyho & @ateezinmymind

Well... Maybe this will look like a very short paragraph but... I felt bad at the same time because I don't have that much to say... For sure, I'm happy I met both of you because during our conversations, I can deduce that I can trust you because you are lovely and all of that. What I regret so bad is that during this 2020, I didn't talked that much and that's why I feel bad for not writing something big but please, don't feel that I don't care about you because I do :(( i hope in this new year, we can talk much and maybe be close friends 👉🏼👈🏼

👑 - @barnesbabee

Queen Trixie 👉🏼👈🏼 Well, what I can say is that first, I love your humor keiwbsnd also that everytime you tive your opinion about something, you have valid points. This will sound stupid but I do really like to read when you post something. As I said some days ago in your dm, I really would like to be close to you but at the same time I do feel like that will not occur or will not happen that easily because I am not that cool and well, I don't know, I feel like I would be that kind of person you would dislike easily. Something I promised this year and will keep till this new year is the tonw of love I give to you and the support you need as a powerful queen. <3

💖 @multidreams-and-desires

My baby sis that I love so much, always taking care of me ane telling me how much you love me :(( this year was amazing. Probably our talks are mostly about problems or just giving each other love. I'm happy that I met you because you are always kind and of course you have also those thirsty moments that all our Tumblr family have —that's why we all get along, we are a bunch of people that have Ateez as their weakness lol. Also, I need to mention that in this new year, you need to know that I'll be giving you more love so just wait for me <3

💖 @msmadness99

Seven, my lovely Seven ^^ First of all I need to mention the iconic moment we both noticed we talked in Spanish after months of always talking on English lol. I know some of your insecurities about your writings and I still want to let you know that when I say that your works are amazing, well written and calls the attention easily, I'm being honest and saying that not as your friend, I say that as a fan of your works. I don't know who tells you or makes you feel insecure about them but hey, is amazing. Even those short things you write and don't get me started with Break Out serie siendjdbdkdys Every time you update, you make me have my heart in my throat kduebwdkd You are very talented, don't let others make you think other way. I love you, Seven <3

I think that is all 👉🏼👈🏼

I hope you all receive this new year with a smile and always being positive ❤️

I’m so grateful for your support and love this year. May you have a prosperous, happy and healthy New Year.

May all your dreams come true in 2021! You got this!❤️

[wetookanoath]

personal struggles, the fate of this and other blogs and apologies.

This year so far has been strange and not good for me and this blog. Some of you know my long history with hate in this fandom and while it’s always nice to hear your kind words, the hate I get is every day worse to the point I had to take off the anonymous option on this blog, my personal, the Library, the writing events and even the damn porn blog.

A few months ago I said I was gonna delete all blogs, and as promised I also deleted my twitter account, passed the instagram account to someone else (who hasn’t done anything with it yet), deleted other b*zzf*ed related blogs I ran, and left others I helped in.

I answered to every and all asks on this blog and the porn blog (most asks now on queue or drafts, waiting to be posted slowly to not spam), finished the event that didn’t went as good as it seemed and passed the administration of the Library to my personal account to never left it die down.

During this time, something happened in my personal life and I found myself in a very dark place I never thought I would go back to after it happened to me many years ago. But it did, and I had to dealt with it all over again, but this time there was a difference, this time I knew were to start and it helped me because I was able to ask for what I needed and get help.

I’m on meds again. I’m not proud of it and it... makes me angry that I’m ashamed to admit it. I’m making less money, lost a person, stopped writing, entered a rehab therapy for two weeks for depression (I didn’t tell anyone but my family, which won me a very long fight with my best friend and two of my best friends online), ended in the hospital last month. 

That long period I spent away from this blog, forgetting to answer replies I got e-mails for and the days of check-in and whatnot for the Exchange, god they were so good even with all that mess going on. I watched and read so many things, even if suffered not writing and other physical things. But I felt good, I really did. Which I think it’s why I was happy to get back here, just to find hate on my inbox yet again (from the same person as always, by the way. This woman really is the saddest person on the planet. Yes, it’s about you. I know you are reading this), and I really thought “why do I keep doing this to myself?”

And then weeks ago I finally realized why. And it’s because I like this show so much. I like the pictures and the stories, the chat group I’m in even if sometimes I feel like they don’t like me, and most important, in spite of all the hate we get here, I love the stories I write for this fandom, and my ship. I’ve never wrote this good, gotten the chance to improve and learn better english too.

I love the writer I am in this fandom and I have wrote so much these past few weeks, and all because I started to write shy*n again. 

So what do I do?

There are days when I forget this blog exists. It’s been so boring, this hiatus and how things have changed, the lack of content makes things dry and easier to forget. I just forget it exists, but then when I get in, it’s fun when there’s no hate. I find it entertaining to go into my blogs and tag everything properly, organize tag pages and make lists of films based on things, make edits, answer old asks I didn’t have time for before.

Since now that anonymous is off I don’t get any asks, I had have the chance to answer in depth so many things I had left behind before, it’s been fun. Like it used to be, January-July of 2018 came again to remind me of how things were before The Change. I enjoyed preparing this blog for my deperture, and I found myself not wanting to go.

My first thought after that revelation? “People is going to hate on me on anonymous for changing my mind”. Isn’t that fucking sad? That I have to condition everything I do so people won’t hate me on anonymous and say horrible things just because I complain bout things, then calm down and change my mind like any other normal person does on a daily basic... on my own, personal blog? 

So, so far, this is what will happen:

The blog reminds, since it’s also kind of an archive for this fandom with how much has been posted that I know it’s resourceful to people for all kinds of things.

Anonymous will perpeturally be off in all my blogs. The Library’s inbox will remain closed.

I’m still going to take my long periods of ignoring this blog, so I’m sorry if you sent me any qs and I don’t answer right away.

It will be on perpetual semi-hiatus, since I will come back once a week to answer things, tag stuff, stock the Library’s queue and the one on this blog.

About the updates, I’m just going to post things I would like to archive myself.

New fanfics/chapters of fics coming every Saturday until I’m done posting everything I wrote these weeks. I’m still writing, so I guess my day of the week to check replies, messages and asks will be on Saturday.

I don’t think I will be around for the new season, not the way I used to. I’m so gonna watch it, but no posts from me anymore. This is a big maybe, since I’m not sure of many things right now, especially with my health as fragile as it is right at the moment.

There’s, so far, 131 original posts on queue. These are: lists that were requested on this blog on such things like all episode Shane called Ryan ‘baby’, personal favorite shyan moments with links (I worked so much in this one, I ended up hating it), etc., edits from many things, included shoots found in old articles and so on, the ongoing ‘fave insta pics’ series of Ryan, Shane, TJ, Sara, Kelsey and the boys in other people’s instagrams, more favorite fanfic edits, and more buzzships edits. Also, a few headcanons, rec lists and solo recs.

Queue will post three posts a day, one original text, one reblog, one original edit. Texts are less than the edits, so when they are over, it will be two edits and one reblog. I will be stocking the queue during my weekly visit, so I don’t know if it will eventually run off original posts or not. 

Library reminds what it is, inbox closed until further notice.

Writing Events is over, though. I’m too tired for that. At least for a long break.

This really all depends on my health and how things are once the show is back. I miss the interaction a lot, so having lost the anonymous option it’s really a big bummer for me, and maybe to the people who did like to interact with me and the blog’s content in a positive way via this option. We’ll see.

And finally, I want to apologize not only for the long of this but for my negative reactions months ago. It was wrong, childish at times and out of character. I didn’t realize I was getting bad, and when I did it had already gotten worse. I can now look at all those desperate posts and see how bad I really was at keeping it together and how desperate I was to be okay. 

While I still believe I didn’t deserve the harassment I was getting, I should had never given onto it and answer back. I shouldn’t. It was not only bad for me, but to the people who followed/follows this blog and engaged into the negativity too. 

I caused that by acting exactly how the hateful people wanted me to, and instead of showing myself as the imperfect human being I am, all people saw was a crying girl asking to be appreciated and loved back. And the reality is that forcing those things to happen won’t make it any better, on the contrary, it makes it worse.

All those times I said, “why does people have to insult me for you to care about me?”, it was because I made it happen. I decided to posts those answers and reply to the hate, and it made people, worried by my answers and the tone of them (yeah, I was pretty suicidal and paranoid, I didn’t realize until recently), send their support. It made it look like that was the case, that I needed to be hurt for people to appreciate me.

But now, I don’t post those things. Had to shut down anonymous asks. And last week I got one ask, just one, of someone saying they love this blog. There was no reason for it, just someone who saw me online and send in their positivity. And it was the best thing in the world, those short words, the best ones.

So yes. My sincere and deepest apologies to everyone, involved or not, for having acted, well, toxic in the past months. Hopefully, it won’t happen again. Meds, no anon and semi-hiatus will make a difference, I hope. And things will be fine.

Thanks for the support, the kindness and the love. And thanks for reading this bible.

Love you,

Nina.

[alleiradayne]

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Summary: Sam and Natalie are mistaken for a couple while on a hunt. Square Filled: Mistaken for a Couple Warnings/Tags: Fluff, angst, flirting, implied smut Characters/Pairings: Sam Winchester/Natalie Murphy Word Count: 1,571 A/N: For @spnfluffbingo2019​, this fills the square Mistaken for a Couple. Thank you, as always, to @atc74​ for beta’ing. Song: Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John

“Oh, you’re in luck! The honeymoon suite is available!”

Great. Another awkward night in yet another Winchester Special motel.

“Uh, sure,” Sam said as he set his credit card one the counter. “That okay with you, Natalie?”

She groaned under her breath before she turned over her shoulder with a tight-lipped smile. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

The receptionist’s toothy grin widened so far Natalie thought her face might crack. “Newlyweds? Or just on vacation?”

No matter how many times it happened, Sam always had the audacity to look shocked when anyone assumed that he and Natalie were a couple. “No, we’re… we’re just co-workers.”

She withdrew the key she had held out for Sam. “Oh, no! I’m so sorry.” Her face fell as she returned to her ledger. “I've got two single rooms open, just let me get the keys.”

The receptionist stilled at Sam's gentle touch—a touch Natalie knew so well—of his fingers to the back of her hand. “Delilah, right?” he asked.

Delilah’s brilliant smile returned, illuminating the entire room. She was gorgeous like Elizabeth, fair and blonde and tall, and if she could have turned a shade of green, Natalie would have turned emerald with envy as Sam returned her smile.

“It's okay,” he said. “We don't mind. The suite will be fine.”

Fine. Sure. If Natalie slept on the sofa. After sharing the last queen bed with Sam, Natalie had learned several hard lessons, the least of which being just how much space Sam occupied. And it wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn’t… him, so tall and lean and smelling like a mountain lodge on a lake in the dead of winter all the time. It hadn't been the first time she had picked apart his scent, but it was decidedly the last. After that night, Natalie had determined to keep her feelings to herself, bury them deep and forget they existed.

But then the warmth of his hand enveloped her shoulder and Natalie startled. Sam towered over her, hunched shoulders and head low as he peered into her eyes. “Hello? Earth to Natalie?”

How did he do it? With such effortlessness, Sam had disarmed her without trying. “Sorry. Got distracted,” she said with a laugh.

Sam took her bag from her hands and headed down the nearest hallway to their room. “You okay?”

Shit. He always read her like an open book. “That’s the fifth time we’ve been mistaken for a couple in six months.”

At the door, Sam laughed as he unlocked the handle. “You should see how often Cas and Dean get the honeymoon suite,” he said. “It’s fucking hilarious.”

Natalie grinned at that. “I can see it,” she laughed. “Does it piss Dean off?”

He pushed the door aside to reveal a larger motel room with a queen bed. At least the decorations had been limited to tasteful shades of brown and teal instead of the garish rose reds she had seen in previous suites. As she shuffled past him, she replied. “Oh, yeah. He tries to play their relationship so close to the chest, but I don’t think either of them realizes the way they look at each other.”

Natalie doubled over with laughter at that, tears welling and blurring her vision. “Oh, that—that’s rich. I’d pay to see it happen. Just once.”

His laughter followed her to the small sofa where she set her backpack. When his laughter quieted, she turned to him and gestured to the couch. “I think I’m gonna sleep here tonight.”

He looked to the bed, then the couch, and back. “Why? This bed is huge.”

Natalie scoffed through her nose. “Yeah, and you’re huge.”

The ruddy red blush that flooded Sam’s face puzzled Natalie at first, but after a beat, she understood. “I mean, you take up a lot of space! You know what I meant!”

Sam regarded the bed again, then his eyes snapped to hers. “Did I… do something… something weird last time we were out on a hunt together?”

It was her turn to blush, that awful sting prickling her cheeks. “No!” she barked. “No, you just… you’re really big, dude, you take up like most of a queen size bed. Maybe under different circumstances…”

His eyes widened as he turned to look at her head-on. “What kind of circumstances?”

Her jaw worked as she tried to come up with a reason beyond one that involved a deeper relationship. “Like, maybe, if that was a king bed,” she stuttered as she flipped a hand at the bed. “Or maybe if I’d brought better pajamas and not just giant sleep shirts.”

“I like your shirts.”

“My dad got them for me when he was—wait, what?”

He seemed to not have heard himself, for he spun back to his bags and busied himself there. “I… just thought they look comfy. Your dad got them?”

She pulled her bottom lip through her teeth. “Yeah,” she started. “Years ago, when I was a kid. I’ve been the same height since I was about twelve or thirteen, so they still fit. And… my dad…”

He stopped his rummaging at that, head slumping his chin to his chest. “I’m a fucking asshole. I didn’t mean to bring up your parents. It’s… you’ve never really talked about them since we first met.”

True, she had played most of her personal life close to the chest. “There’s not much to say. I miss my family. But that was… Christ, that was over twenty years ago.”

“I’m sorry—”

“He raced cars,” she continued. “Gearhead. Went to all these meets. Always bought me a t-shirt. I probably have two hundred of them in temperature-controlled storage back in Chicago.”

Sam’s arms enveloped her before Natalie realized he had crossed the room. In his embrace, she felt a rare sense of tranquility she had found nowhere else. Something about the tender strength with which he held her said more than any words could, more than any thought could convey. Her arms slipped around his waist, and if Sam could hold her closer, he damn well tried.

“Thank you, Natalie,” he muttered. “For sharing.”

“I’ve never told anyone that,” she said. “Except Liz, obviously. Then again, neither of us had real friends. Hunter partners, acquaintances, sure. But nobody like you and Dean. And Cas.”

“I don’t think you understand just how much that means to me,” Sam said.

“I don’t think you understand just how much you mean to me,” Natalie replied.

He held her back at arm’s length and examine her as though he saw her for the first time. “Me, personally?”

“Well, yeah,” she started, “I mean, we spend a lot of time together. Lots of similar interests. We hardly ever argue. It’s… the easiest relationship I’ve ever had. Besides Liz.”

His thousand-watt smile spread across his pink lips as he blushed, and Natalie wanted nothing more than to kiss him. And he seemed to read her mind as his tongue slipped between his lips. Dammit, she should just do it, take matters into her own hands and tell him, tell him everything until she—

Sam moved quick as a cat, far too fast for Natalie to respond. His massive hands cupped her cheeks, holding what felt like her entire head in his palms as he pressed his lips to hers for an insistent, yet short, kiss.

The wet sound of their parting filled Natalie’s ears and she followed him as far as she could reach until he straightened. Aghast terror contorted his too pretty face as he gaped and stuttered his apology.

“I… shit, I’m so sorry,” he started as he backed away, “that… that was wrong, I shouldn’t have done that without asking, I—”

Natalie leapt into his embrace, arms and legs wrapped around him, and Sam tumbled backwards onto the bed. Fervent kisses satisfied her, and Sam collapsed to his back, pulling her down with him. So many minutes might have passed, but Natalie didn’t care. Not in the least. Only when she needed to breathe did she come up for air.

“All those nights in motel suites?” Sam asked.

“I thought we were just friends,” she replied.

Sam grinned at that as he flipped her to her back and settled between her thighs spread wide. The glorious weight of him, firm and thick in all the right places, encroached on her every sense; hazel eyes gazed into hers, soft brown locks teased at her cheeks, and gun oil mingled filled her nose. The last sensation filled her mouth as Sam kissed her again, his tongue slipping past her lips and tasting of whiskey. At last, at long last he knew how she felt. And she thanked whatever gods existed that he felt the same way.

When Sam parted from her, he kissed along her jaw to whisper in her ear, “ How about friends with benefits?”

Greedy fingers nipped at her skin as he smoothed her skin from hips to breasts, and as Natalie replied, she sighed, “Depends on what kind of benefits you’re talking about.”

He knelt between her thighs and parted the button of her jeans, then glared up at her from beneath his prominent brow. Natalie shivered beneath that look, terrifying and yet, incredibly arousing. As he tugged her free of her pants and leaned between her thighs, he whispered against the fabric of her underwear.

“I can show you.” 

Feedback is appreciated! Feel free to reblog, too!

If you want in on any of my tags (Sam/Jared, Dean/Jensen), send me a DM or an ask!

ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN FLUFF BINGO MASTERLIST

ALLEIRADAYNE’S SPN MASTER LIST

The Whole Thang:

@atc74  @hannahindie @bevans87  @meganwinchester1999  @plaided-ani-on-hiatus​  @oneshoeshort​ @jonogueira​ @andkatiethings​ @elfinmox​ @wonderfulworldofwinchester​ @princessofthefandomrealm​  @just-another-busyfangirl​ @jmekitchens​ @81mysteriouslyme​ @dolphincliffs​  @seenashwrite​  @canadianspnhunter​  @meowmeow-motherfucker​ @depressed-moose-78 @staycejo1​ @hobby27​  @pretty-fortune @mypopculturediva​ @fanfictionjunkie1112​ @sandlee44​ @4llmywr1tings​ @claitynroberts​ @maddiepants​ @scarletluvscas @donnaintx​ @blackeyedangel9805​ @rainflowermoon​ @winchesterprincessbride​  @lazinessisalliknow​ @the-is13​ @waywardafgrandma​ @keymology​ @sister-winchesters99​ @amanda-teaches​

Sam’s Sasstresses (Jared):

@karouwinchester​

[kyurilove-blog]

Tumblr hiatus, but I’m back.

Soooo, I haven’t been on tumblr IN AGES. I made this new tumblr account, mainly for spamming or posting things I like that I wouldn’t post on my other socials, for *reasons*...  basically, where my head will be clear, and my mental health is at ease. 

VENT: I’ve dealt with people in the past (probably 15+ years ago? elementary/middle school days) who were judgmental or made me feel bad for liking certain music (their mindset was in a way where basically "well I like this music and you can’t” type of thing, and/or it’s infringing on their idk... lifestyle?). But anyway... my mental health has been a continuous roller coaster for the past year, in short... it’s good for a little bit at a time, then just bad. My whole family got COVID in April of last year, with my mom getting the brunt of it all and having to be in the hospital for almost a month. We struggled financially, mentally, emotionally since then, feeling it more so in the financial aspect. My dad has been working on and off (as of right now, he hasn’t been working for a whole month), my mom is now retired, my hubby is only on-call and has been struggling to get a full-time position, and basically I am the only one working full-time at the moment so it’s been really hard for me to cope these days.

 Around end of August is when I started getting into BTS and also back into the K-pop scene. I had a K-pop phase in my last few years of high school (which only very few people know), but for some reason I just stopped listening to K-pop after I graduated, and for a very long time. This was around the time when my depression started getting to me really bad, and I just lost interest in a lot of things I used to like. At the time, I was still undiagnosed and I wouldn’t go get help until my anxiety kicked in and got really bad in my early 20′s. So basically, since August of last year --- BTS and just listening to K-pop in general has been getting me through daily life and keeping me sane. Watching BTS videos on youtube, their V Lives, and content on Weverse, and overall just listening to their music has been my escape when things are just way too overwhelming (sensory overload)... which has been basically almost every day. I even feel bad for my husband a lot of times (and this makes me feel really shitty) because I’d rather just listen or watch BTS videos after getting home from work, but as much as I want to interact with him and everyone else in my house, mentally I just haven’t been in a good place, and it’s so hard and frustrating for me since I really don’t have energy or interest to do anything else. But anyway... to get to the point, recently I got triggered by some comments that someone said (someone I was close to before) and it brought me back to what I went through in my elementary/middle school years... and it really bothered me to the point where I ended up breaking down to my husband. These were comments from someone (out of all people) who I thought would understand and be supportive and someone I could “fangirl” with (one comment claimed [either directed to me or my husband, wasn’t sure, but still affected me regardless] that they were made fun of for liking K-pop (by me or my husband [who has said he was messing/joking around with this person in the past; and also I’d know if I did... I don’t know, but why intentionally make fun of something that I liked too? I don’t get it?]), and who I knew struggles with mental illness as well. I understand that this person was building boundaries for their own mental well-being, but (for me) to be told that they’re going to mute my posts and to basically not talk to them about anything K-pop related because it’ll give them anxiety and K-pop is their safe place and they don’t want to end up hating something they’ve loved for years, was extremely hurtful. This was all done subliminally by the way via social media (I know this was directed to myself/husband because we had just been talking to this person about BTS). Honestly, this person could’ve just muted me and be done with it without posting about it. It’s not like I or my husband regularly talked to this person outside of social media anyway; we just thought of talking to this person because we knew this person loved K-pop and liked BTS. After this, in my head I was thinking... you don’t want to hate what you’ve loved for years because of people who “made fun” of you for it, but you’re going to “attack” someone else’s mental health and try to make them hate and question the very thing that’s been making them happy (coincidentally something they like as well) and keeping them sane and is basically their safe place as well. A person is allowed to feel certain emotions when things are said to them that “hurt” them, yes... but that’s not a pass to use it against someone YEARS later to hurt them -- especially because people grow and change. Things could’ve been handled a lot differently, but things happen for a reason I guess. As this caused a lot of distress for me, I ended up just unfollowing this person on all social media for my own mental well-being. THANKFULLY, I have two friends that I regularly fangirl with daily (one of them being my best friend from high school that I recently reconnected with), and IT HAS BEEN AWESOME to not have to worry about being judged or criticized with them... because after all, we’re adults now, so none of that childish stuff. This was longer than I intended, but I just needed to get things out of my system as I can’t talk to my husband about this because he doesn’t want to talk about this person... at all. I feel like I rambled and was all over the place, but yeah.

Anyway, I’ll mostly be posting or reblogging BTS / BLACKPINK / K-pop / and honestly whatever tickles my fancy :)

[scummy-writes]

This blog is only going to be used to post personal fic updates from a much more controlled environment, AO3, and nothing else. 

This post has been set to queue post two more times for timezones and then no more after that.

Explanation under the readmore:

This is to the shock of absolutely no one, but I can’t do this anymore.

A lot of you guys have stuck here with me from the beginning, and, unfortunately, got to learn about personal stuff I never intended to share. Some of that came around in discussions, of some events that happened, or back towards the beginning of the year that severely impacted me and still does to this day.

Back before I made this blog, a few months before I had started playing MM. I loved it, thought it was great for an otome, and fell in love with all of the characters. Like a lot of people, I ran into the game when I wasn’t doing too well. Things at home were horrible, I had no job, I had recently gotten out of something life altering and was still struggling with myself. This game helped me out, sparked my creative flow again (I think the last time I had published something that wasn't for a friend was a good four years ago), and inspired me to write and share what I had written.

Then, when my stories got an incredibly large amount of hits, and I saw HC blogs circling around, I made one. This one.

I made it to share stories, ideas, and small headcanons- To share positivity, and maybe a bit of fictional angst. For a couple of months, things were going well. A got such sweet followers, I had great support- But then I brought back a fic people had wanted, originally taken down due to me unable to plan a decent plot, and harassment began.

And, well, a lot of you have been around for that whole debacle.

Then. Just more issues started coming up. Instead of this blog being fun, being something I was so glad that it was making people happy, things just went downhill. Constant negative messages/comments, constant drama- I just shrugged it off for the most part, but then I realized that most of this drama, most of what is starting to wear me down, is just because I didn’t write a character how one person wanted me to.

Just because I apparently wrote a character ooc, for two fics, apparently warranted harassment spanning over months– Like literally absolutely fucking months. Do you know when it started for me? March. February for others. But hey, everyone’s seen this, right? God knows I’ve reblogged it countless times hoping the fucking hateful anons would stop coming in. Except They. Kept Coming. Over and Over Again. I even took a fucking hiatus and stopped writing the fic this person couldn’t stop obsessively hate-reading only to immediately get shit on again.

I’ve had my mental Illness, PTSD, and overly traumatic and sexually abusive events in my life degraded, along with many of my friends and now victims of this who did absolutely nothing wrong, while friends and I were being told we weren’t ‘thinking of the abuse victims’ when being confronted about liking a FICTIONAL CHARACTER, Jumin, who was being deemed abusive by this ‘anon’ . My illnesses and abuse history that I had mentioned before and even directly to this person’s messages.

I’ve had the harassment that my friends and I have went through be deemed to be nothing because “Well this user always likes my posts”, “This user sends me a nice message sometimes”, while those same people ignored the posts of the user even completely opening up and admitting to what the fuck they’ve done.

You connect all this with some personal issues of mine- The issues surrounding my mother’s attempt, the strain with my family, and my own personal mental health namely- and, well. It’s hard to view this blog positively anymore.

I’m just not happy anymore. Namely, my current emotions are probably connected to another depressive episode, but even before today- It’s just been hard.

I made this blog to have fun- Because people enjoyed my stories, enjoyed my headcanons- And now due to all this drama and harrassment I just feel disgusting.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, honestly.  I never made this blog to be constantly harassed because some dipshit couldn’t ignore my fanfic, couldn’t block my blog and ignore me, couldn’t just move the absolute fuck on with their life instead of spending nearly a whole year attempting to stalk me, attempting to harass me for every little asinine thing. Of course this had a strain on my writing- I after the haitus I just could barely put out HC’s anymore. I kept saving drafts, getting stressed to fuck and back because I didn’t know if a typo was going to cause me to be blasted with insults to my writing and life, I didn’t know if I expressed Zen having insecurities was going to send another flood of anons like I had received many times before. You think all the messages in the Call Out are bad? All the ones that weren’t in it and I didn’t link in this post? What about all the ones you all didn’t see because I deleted them before I even let myself think about them, because I had no energy just to put up bullshit because all I ever, ever, fucking did was write a Fictional Fucking Character a little fucking different from canon.

And that’s not all- There’s a support group in a discord server my friend set up because I’m not the only person this dipshit has gone after. There’s at least ten god damned people that we know of getting this same treatment- and there’s probably so so so SO many more that are probably feeling the same emotions I did. And FUCK, friends of us are even feeling drained because it’s absolutely sickening that we’re being harassed for liking a genuine love interest in a fucking mobile otome game. In a VIDEO GAME.

You know what I did? I went back into fucking therapy because of all this, because my major depression and anxiety kicked into full gear because I was sharing my writing, something that I made, something that meant so much to me because for once I wasn’t being mocked or laughed at when I wanted to be creative. The harassment got to me so fucking badly I had to go to therapy again.

I’m so blown away by how all this shit I’m dealing with is because someone just couldn’t ignore my blog/ao3 stories. That they think harassment is excusable because I won’t write or stop writing what they want me to.

So now, characters I used to help me cope with a very serious issue of mine, just make me feel empty. My coping mechanisms are failing, and running this blog isn’t becoming worth it anymore, not if I’m even going to be bitched at for trying to show lesser known artists to some newcomer in the fandom.

So. I don’t know. That’s why I hardly post anymore. I feel disgusting and empty, for a game that I used as a coping mechanism. Instead of it making me happy, all this drama and this god damned person just makes me regret even writing in the first place.

So no more hc posts. My writing has declined, we all know it, god knows it won’t stop being pointed out to me, and I shot myself in the foot doing character limits. My Hc posts went from getting so many sweet comments to one once in a blue moon, the majority of the comments I receive on here about my HC’s are just a constant stream of hatred, and I just cannot fucking do this.

I just wanted to have fun. 

you guys can find me on my twitter (@Mm_Scummy) and my AO3 (Scummy). I’m not posting anything else to this blog unless it’s fic updates, and even that I’m debating on. I’m just keeping this blog up to keep what writings I did enjoy up, and just because I can’t bring myself to delete anything where I did get support.

If this post makes you angry, or makes you upset that it’s came done to this: 

SUPPORT CONTENT CREATORS. Don’t sit around and let them be harassed!! I cannot even begin to tell you how amazing it felt when I would get a message from a random follower just seeing if I was okay. Just saying that they hoped I felt better, or just sending heart emojis. Every little bit of support means so, so, SO much to content creators after they’ve been outright harassed or taken advantage of, because it shows that you care.

REBLOG THESE POSTS:

- THIS one because the word needs to be spread that content creators do not owe you anything.

- And THIS one because the user that keeps harassing me and so many people, so many that we may never know who all they have harassed, uses the Anonymous tool on every single platform they can to hurt people, and she is NOT above making new accounts to continue her harassment over and over again. Because god knows we have blocked her account and have never, ever, fucking unblocked it and she STILL didn’t get the most obvious hint that what she is doing is absolutely, undeniably fucking disgusting and in no way excusable. 

[sightofsea]

being on the internet for extended periods of time fills me w this like.....extreme doubt of lack of self esteem a lot of the time??? mostly bc i feel like im playing a part sometimes, and i dont like it. its also led to me devolving into a lot of bullshit fake philosophical thinking (like, getting deep where i dont need to get deep) about my relationships and leads me to having this extreme form of black and white thinking about myself. i can come on here, and it can be fun and real but sometimes it really isnt. and that isnt to say the friendships ive made are fake, or anything like that, but i just...i feel like i need to spend a lot of time away. build my confidence by stopping myself from isolating on here like i always do, and start thinking about and worrying about things that are a little more real, go out there and become a little less harsh and desensitized. i dont like the person im becoming, who’s so used to everything and feels embarrassed about anything genuine or involuntary coming out of me. it’s made me feel weak in my activism, because i can get so desensitized that i cant find the means to dredge up emotion about it. and its made me bitter towards a lot of people i shouldn’t be bitter towards. 

like look ok long story short, a couple years ago i had traumatic memories resurface (or rather just get recontextualized--i hadn’t known they were traumatic before having a series of extensive nightmares n piecing it together) and it led to a lot of self blame and anxiety, and as a result of the medication + that whole thing, i kinda...depersonalized, for like ages. i went months without smiling, or crying, or laughing without having to voluntarily fake it.i was basically the epitome of depressed meme culture, so deep in myself with no way out and it was absolute torture. luckily i changed my meds to something that made me feel a lot more...not like before, but enough for me to actually start recovering. i had no low lows, but i also had no high highs. i felt like i was at a halfway point constantly, but after a lot of work n getting out of my shell i was finally able to get off my meds.and ive been soooo much happier, but it also feels i picked up where i left off two years ago with my more negative emotions, just with a new perspective.

ok, so this ended up not being a long story short. but it’ll make sense, i promise.

my thing is, now i have my full personality again--and im beginning to recognize i have a selfish need to make everyone like me. which means that like, hey im more than willing to help n back ppl up n whatnot, but also if i find out one person hates something i like, then i kind of bottle it up and keep it hidden and it ends up being a huge self hatred thing. which is why i keep away from a lot of the stuff that genuinely makes me happy--like doctor who. which, god, sounds so fucking overdramatic when i type it out, but its true. i love the shit out of that show, but im so fucking scared of ppl who like me hating me for it, for some stupid reason. its the most stupid thing, but i feel it. and like, im trying to stop doing that, but thats a bit of character development i havent reached yet, and i feel like i have to compartmentalize myself. and i know i dont!!! but it happens. and it gets worse the more im on here, and i become more bitter about it as im online longer, etc etc.

so, yeah. im probably gonna go on hiatus once the new year hits. just like....figure things out. keep at it with trying to compartmentalize parts of myself that have no actual negative impact on me or on people around me, change the ones that do, figuring out myself as a person blah blah blah. maybe write a book? who knows. 

this was a rly long post but tl;dr i need to stop isolating myself / compartmentalizing myself and taking some time offline will probably be the most helpful, thanks for sticking around with this, im gonna go reblog some houses or something

[fedyaplushie]

Little Update! (WARNING: Long)

After putting this off all the time (first because I felt worse again, then because of BATIM, then again because I started feeling worse), I’m finally going to post a little update on myself and my hiatus. I was considering sharing what exactly is going on in my life right now, since my ‘depression’ is not without reason, but I decided against it (some of it, I posted under the cut though). While I found some solutions to some of the problems, sometimes they still wear me down, y’know? This has been going on since around.. May or June? I don’t remember exactly but it just kept growing progressively worse, which is probably no secret due to me lashing out about things I would never try to make someone feel bad about (not that that was my intention but I guess you know what I mean) and due to me also taking a break from my project (my story) which usually distracted me enough to function. Due to now knowing what’s happening and how I’m trying to change it, I hope this.. ‘moodiness’ will end someday. If one of the things still keeps happening I do have a ‘Plan B’. It may seem like running away for some, but tbh.. I don’t care. I know that it’s not ‘running away’ and If it makes me happier and more comfortable, then I will go down this path (but I will wait a few months first, to see how it goes). As of now, I won’t be completely inactive but I will be staying away from more ‘personal’ posts and also staying away from my dashboard. At the moment I will only use Tumblr to post about fandom-y stuff, if that makes sense (like my BATIM and one Cuphead post the last couple of days). So, I’ve said this enough, but: If I do post or reblog something from a fandom’s tag, but I haven’t reacted to any of your personal posts or reblogs, I am not ignoring you! I am just staying away from the dashboard for a couple more weeks. I will still be available over chat though, if you need anything more from me! Anyways.. Thanks for your attention! ♥

More personal information under the cut:

I can’t say exactly when this started but I actually started feeling.. suicidal. This is not the first time I have ever felt this way, I felt this way last year around summer too, but that was only briefly. This time.. it was a lot worse. But it wasn’t constant either. Sometimes the feeling was there, sometimes it wasn’t. It became a lot worse around the time I suddenly went into hiatus. I felt so lonely. And also like a failure. I was even starting to feel embarrassed after I thought about something I talked about in a YouTube video, saying that something special (to me) I do is the only thing I feel like I ‘can’ do and that I am glad to entertain people. I felt embarrassed because I suddenly felt like, this isn’t true anymore. Or rather it was never true. Not the ‘entertaining’ part, more so the part about being able to ‘do something well’. (I did feel embarrassed about it before, but that was in a “Oh my Gosh, this is so cheesy”-kind of way. Not a “I’m a failure and made myself into a laughing stock by openly thinking I’m at least decent at something”-kind of way. Just so we’re clear.)

I’m not trying so say that I felt suicidal because I doubted my own project for a while (while this project is important to me, that would be a bit silly of me and this is not about my project either, it’s just a minor example). I’m saying that I felt embarrassed because I thought I couldn’t do anything in my entire life. I have never been able to do anything properly ever since I was a child. I started feeling like I would never get anywhere in life. This is not really a ‘new’ thought, I’ve been thinking this for years but.. in the last months, it just loomed over me the entire time. Although I can’t exactly say why this feeling suddenly started the way it did, I think it’s due to other people putting pressure on me and also due to me overthinking. A lot. 2017 has not been kind to me.

And the lonely part.. I don’t want to exactly talk about that part because it involves my friends and I feel like I would be bad mouthing them.. Let’s just say I’m taking a break from talking to them for a while (except for one of them), until I sort myself out.

Do I still feel suicidal? Well.. Yes and no.. Sometimes I still feel really bad and like “I don’t deserve to live”. But as soon as I think about ending my life, I feel even worse. And there is one reason for that..

About two weeks ago, I started looking at a photo album out of boredom. One my aunt gave me for my 13th or 14th birthday. It is full of pictures of myself as a baby/child (I posted some of them on here before). And then it suddenly hit me.. This little girl in those pictures still has a whole life ahead of her. She still has potential and a reason to live. To somehow achieve happiness. And then.. I started feeling guilty for ever thinking that I should die. I know, this little girl is (or was) me, but still.. It was sad to think about. Because.. I still am that little girl. I still have potential, I still have a reason to live, I still have a whole life ahead of me! I am “only” 19. Maybe most 19-year-olds already have jobs and know exactly what they want to do in life, but you know what? I will too, one day. I am still the same girl from 15 years ago. Someone who has potential and maybe a less lonely future. The only difference is, I may be older and taller and definitely not as cute anymore (bless..) but I am still young. And I need to change my life before I’m not anymore. .. That was.. cheesy.. But it’s what happened. No more running away. I am going to finish everything I ever started. I am going to make my life better, step by step. And I will make myself happy!

[morleybell]

When did you start shipping Bellarke? Oh and what made you join the Bellarke fandom? :)

oh god! this is really cool question and i have ‘great’ story for that.

So 4 years ago I’ve been in tvd/klaroline fandom. Basically the only reason i started being more active on tumblr/twitter was klaroline back then and it was the worst because back then Joseph went to The Originals and everyone was saying it’s “the end of klaroline”. and then we were getting like one scene per season (sex scene in s5 or phone call or idn a scene where klaus heard caroline’s name) and it sucked so badly and i was in pain all the time so i decided to find a new show and new ship, that is canon and isn’t painful as klaroline is.

that’s how i met bellarke. huh, funny right?

(i HAVE TO mention that i suck at picking ships, i shipped stelena and i loved them SO much so u can imagine in how much pain i was in tvd fandom)

it was back during s1, it was sth like ep 6 airing back then. anyway, in the 100 tag everywhere was only bellarke, nothing else. and i was SO SURE they are canon/going to be canon because well. that’s what tumblr really told me?

the first gif - and the gif that made me watch the show - was gif of bellamy looking at clarke in 1x03 (the scene where she kills Atom - but back then for sure i had no idea what it was about). So really, who looks at girl like that, why it’s being recorded like that, if not for making them canon soon right?

so i’ve watched the eps and i was sold back then but i wasn’t really *into it*. I wasn’t making gifs back then, or reading metas/fanfictions, wasn’t making videos or anything for the fandom. after the ep i was just reblogging gifs that’s how it all started.

then i remember during s2 finn died and i was - a little i guess - mad because that meant that bellarke wont be together cause clarke had to heal after finn’s situation. and then like 4 eps later clarke was kissing L and i was like??? am i the only person who is confused why. n i went to tumblr n i saw already how fandom is divided and i was so mad because.. i thought that most of the ppl prefer CL back then n BC fandom moved or sth.

so obv i was mad because in tvd i was in Stelena fandom (n not in DE) which sucked because most of ppl were DE. n i felt like im reliving it.

but then 2x16 aired and i was happy n 100% sure in s3 we getting bellarke.

i wasnt here again during hiatus between s2-s3 (i heard that it was terrible, yes) and like month before s3 i watched SDCC panel n i was so confused??? cast hates bellarke??? why do they act like they dont exsist???

(really! i was back then casual viewer who only reblogged gifs after the episode, that was all n i was so confused back then what is happening with jr/cast. - i aslo saw the vid where jr left the room after bc q)

then i started watching s3 and i know 3x02 happened and i messaged my first bellarke-friend here nikola. I was so mad that “im in losing team” n all of it motivated me to do something more for fandom n being active. AS FUNNY AS IT SOUNDS. drama, fight, everything bad what happened in s3, bob getting hate - all of that. made me join the bellarke fandom. all of that motivated me to do sth for our fandom - so i learnt how to make gifs, how to make videos, appreciation days, started new blogs, joined new blogs, started update accounts, trends etc. the only reason i started being active on twitter was because i wanted to promote the show, to make sure we get next season n to protect bob. baaa, the only reason our fandom has now infobellarke is because of how tired n sad n depressed n pissed i was in s3. it motivated me, yes.

not saying that im thankful for s3, cause well. never. it was pain n fight every fucking day n i was SO TIRED. but thanks to this, ive met amazing people in our fandom and whats the most important - i “got to know” (at some point obv) bob which i will be forever thankful because he helped me a lot.

(im so so so sorry for this long answer)

[destruction-personified-blog]

*HIATUS* (+ an explanation for my absence)

Hey guys. How’ve y’all been?

...I know, recently I haven’t been very active on any of my blogs, except for a few art reblogs here and there. I felt it was unfair to leave my followers in the dark as to where I have been, so here I am with an explanation (which may double as a vent.) You can unfollow if you want, I don’t care anymore, I need to say this.

(sensitive subjects below)

Recently - as in, for the past few months - I have felt like absolute shit, both emotionally and physically, for no apparent reason. So much so that I have felt too tired to roleplay on Tumblr, and stuck to Discord for any interactions, which is why my blogs have been inactive with no explanation. My shitty emotions have been affecting my muse and the way I roleplay, so for the most part, I’ve been trying to avoid it, because so far I’ve ruined several of my muses most close and long-running relationships by trying to roleplay in my current emotional state.

Only a few days ago did I hit a critical low.

I was home alone, nothing to do, sinking into a deep state of emotional numbness, when I began thinking things I usually don’t think. The thoughts scared me.

“Life has lost meaning.” “You find no joy in anything anymore.” “Not existing would be so much nicer.”

“You’d be better off dead.”

I broke down. I’ve never felt suicidal before, in my life, I’m not diagnosed with any mental illnesses, and I don’t really want to kill myself, but I do want to stop existing. I’m just too much of a coward to do it myself. And I know there are people - family, friends, schoolmates - who would be destroyed if I just up and left.  My clinically depressed mother depends on me, my friends (though few in number) presumably care about me a lot, or so they say, and I’ve experienced the sadness an entire school, an entire community, can feel from the death of a peer. It crushes people. It makes a bustling school into a ghost town of sadness and quiet mourning. No matter how “unpopular” the student was, the entire school feels their death. So, no matter how unhappy I get, I don’t think I could ever go through with ending my life. For the sake of everyone who cares about me.

Still, the thoughts were there, and I was terrified for myself. So, I did what school had always taught me to do in this situation. I called a suicide hotline for young people. The lady I spoke to was very nice, I explained to her what I was feeling, and she told me to go to a room with another person in it, and call my mother. I thanked her, hung up, went into the living room with my brother, before calling my mum. When I told her what happened, she immediately came home from work and broke down in front of me. She spent the whole night with me, making sure I was okay, we both cried and I finally told her what I’ve been feeling the past few months.

Then, she made me an appointment to see my doctor. She said a psychiatrist would maybe help me feel better, but to get a session, I needed a referral from my doctor, so two days later we went to the clinic and I explained to my doctor what I had been feeling. Luckily, he was very understanding, and gave me a referral.

Three days passed and we got a call from a mental health facility a few towns away who were willing to let a nurse see me for a session. So, the day after, we travelled there and I finally saw a psychiatrist.

Over an hour and a half, I unloaded everything to her. I poured out all of my stress and fears and struggles, told her I have few real-life friends due to where I live and the only real friends I can have are people I meet online, told her I’m lonely, that I always worry about how people think of me, that I crave affection and physical interaction but I get overwhelmed easily and isolate myself, that I barely find joy in anything anymore, that school has lost all enjoyability and I dread going every single day, that I’m overemotional, then finally told her about the suicidal thoughts I’d been having, and in a nutshell, her feedback was this;

“You tend to worry too much about other peoples feelings when you interact with them. Your empathy gets in the way of taking care of yourself, and so you end up isolating yourself from people to avoid interaction. When you offend someone by saying the wrong thing, you blame yourself and call yourself a bad person, when you’re not, you just said something you thought was innocent and ended up hurting somebody without intending to. You put too much pressure on yourself to be a good person, and so you let yourself be walked over, which brings you down and causes self-loathing. So you turn to online interactions to avoid the face-to-face consequences of messing up what you say, which has been affecting your sleep pattern and appetite, which has also caused your physical and mental health to decline even faster. You barely exercise from your constant exhaustion, and this too has caused a decline in physical and mental health. My suggestion is, you find a way to put less pressure on yourself. Take care of your own emotions, find different coping mechanisms, talk to people face-to-face, and try to get more sleep and physical exercise.”

I think the psychiatrist really helped me calm my nerves and open my eyes to what I need to work on. I have another session in two weeks, which I am looking forwards to, and I may even update you guys on how it goes.

So, from what the nurse told me, I made the decision to take a long break from roleplaying. I realised that the negative interactions Guzma keeps having due to his own decline in mental health is badly affecting me too.  (Hell, recently his boyfriend, the love of his life, decided to take a long break from him due to the mistakes he’s made, and every day since has been a struggle to keep his overwhelming negative emotions from seeping into my thoughts and dragging me down. I know IC =/= OOC, but my muse is a big part of me, and his emotions are greatly affecting me, which I know is not healthy.) So for now, I’m putting him to rest, and letting us both take a break from stressful interactions. 

Yes, I have depression. It’s not officially diagnosed, but I know, because my current emotional state is not normal, or healthy, and my mother before me, and her father, and his father all had the same experience as me, at roughly the same age. In fact I recently found out that when my mum was my age, she swallowed a bottle of pills, and only survived because my uncle found her and called an ambulance. She would have died. I never would have existed. It’s terrifying. And she blames herself that I’m feeling this way. I assure you it’s not her fault; it’s mine. 

TL;DR:: Basically, my emotions and the emotions of my muse have made roleplay completely unenjoyable recently, and I need a break. I’m so sorry to anybody who was planning on interacting with me, or anyone who even enjoys reading my roleplays, I feel like I’ve failed you. 

To all 500+ of you: thank you so so much for following, and I’m so sorry for not taking care of my blogs. I need to take care of myself right now.

To anyone my emotions may have hurt, I’m sorry. All of you please take care. I’ll be back soon. Promise.

[gay-zing]

Hey Rumy! I may have missed something during my hiatus, but can I ask what the two users did? Bc I follow one of them, and I'd rather have them blocked if they've done something gross...

ok after finishing my rant: some details may be slightly inaccurate but i’ve spoken to all the people i cite as examples, and i’ve been friends with these 2 for months prior to me blocking them so i also know very well what i’m talking about when it comes to their methods. the bff i talk about also said she might issue her own ‘statement’ soon. we’ll see:

It’s an old story, you haven’t missed anything, it was maybe a year or two ago, but they have remained close to my current friends and managed to hurt them years after hurting me & other people so ya, I’m getting pissed again and calling out cus enough is enough.

Basically know this from my personal experience: all these 2 users do is cling to every famous-enough blogger they can find, they stick to them and kiss ass and when the time comes, start pushing their personal and shitty edits in every 2 messages, until the conversation dies down to nothing but “hey reblog this”, “reblog my stuff”, “why aren’t you promoting me??”.

When one of my best friends didn’t, cus that was her right, one of them sent her an entire list of why she was a very bad friend and then unfollowed her and blocked her, so distressing my bff for NOTHING and making it impossible for her to defend herself. Then she went around spreading lies about how this actually went down to everyone my bff knew.

She did that the week of my bff’s birthday, by the way.

When I found out, I read all their convos provided by my bff and felt so angry (and also, recognizing the pattern of asking for reblogs almost constantly), I immediately blocked that person. And when her friend came to nag me about my reasons like she didn’t know, I blocked her too.

My bff was depressed by this & didn’t dare bring it up to our friends for fear of being too annoying. That didn’t stop these 2 assholes for telling everyone we knew that I was crazy and being influenced by my bff and forced to side with her, like I’m too dumb to make my own choices. Spreading those lies made me even angrier at them, so in stead of my bff I went telling some of our still mutual friends what had happened, hoping they’d stop listening to the lies.

Our mutual friends then told me they shared my disgust with these 2′s methods of bullying/pressuring people around them, and their fake kiss-ass attitude that was obvious from outer space. I felt like they understood me & my bff and I was very grateful. Our mutual friends then made a secret chat where I was invited, and where all we did was bash these 2.

Yes. We were in a group chat of people still friends and following and talking to these 2 assholes while still insulting them and making fun of them and screenshotting every crazy shit they came up with in another general chat. This is how I saw that both were involved in the lies spreading and bullying of my friends, but those same friends never fucking stepped up, and today I’m finally angry about this and saying it outright.

I’m angry and disappointed in all those people present in that chat. I’m angry at all of them for coming to me on multiple occasions telling me these 2 have been awful to them, have shamed them and gloated about that fact afterwards, have been pushing for reblogs as usual, etc. And then... after crying on my shoulder, they just went back to being friends with them.

The latest thing that just had me go off like a fucking bomb is that very recently, one of our mutual friends who only knew their side of the story but not mine cus they were never that close to me came to me and my bff complaining about one of these 2 lunatics, and they she didn’t even have to say their names.

She didn’t even have to name drop that we immediately knew who it was. My friend (who I wasn’t close to before but we slowly became very good friends over that past few months) basically told one of those bloggers who was her long-time friend btw that something terrible happened to her, but all they did was ignore that fact entirely, and turn it around to promote some crappy edit instead.

And that’s how a friendship with them goes. They make you think you’re close, you’re friends, you’re valued for who you are but the moment you need them, these cowards won’t be there. They’ll tell you, ‘cool story, now how about you reblog this while you wait to get better, huh?’

My friend was very hurt and pissed off at being treated this way, alright? It was a personal drama that was turned into a promo-op. And I personally think it’s just downright disgusting the lengths to which they’re still ready to go, years after I thought I was free of this bullshit.

One of those 2 are twice our age, but they act like high schoolers! They spread lies about us to our circle of friends, I just found out today that another of our mutual friends was being led on/lied to for months and never dared ask us, the source, what happened because the others’ lies shocked/disturbed them so much!

I’m simply done with being friends with people who are not aware that they are dealing with heartless, manipulative snakes cus they never thought or dared ask me/my bff what happened. If you wanna know, ask me, I’m ready to fucking warn every single person about these people. I didn’t dare before because I genuinely feared me and bff were maybe alone in this.

But now more and more of our mutual friends come to the conclusion that they’ve been lowkey bullied and manipulated, and I don’t want this to fucking go on. Fucking cut all ties with them if they make you uncomfortable. Fucking cut all ties the moment you feel like they don’t give a shit about you, because your guts are telling you the truth you don’t wanna see. They’re only using you, and they’ll toss you aside soon enough. And trust me, they are discussing you and mocking you behind your back. They did it to me and my bff for the longest time before our actual ‘break up’. Our mutual friends were ‘kind enough’ to show me that evidence in our once upon a time anti-these-two secret group.

[its-pmg]

...hey So this tumblr post, it's not gonna make a lot of sense. There's just a lot of things I need to get off my mind and I just need to talk for a moment. First. It's February 9th. By the time I post this, it'll be 2pm, and Seunghyun will begin his enlistment. I have....multiple feelings about this. First off, I'm proud. I'm proud that he's going to serve his country, and although he's seemed not ok (for lack of a better word) with leaving everyone, he knows as a Korean male he is obligated to serve his country. And I'm proud of him for doing this. But, I'm also...uneasy? Sad? I've gone thru tough shit, and if anyone had ever read my tags from like...2015 it's easy to tell I was not okay. And I admit it. I was in a horrible rough patch of my life; I was struggling with school, a best friend was getting closer to other people, and the latter really...solidified all of my insecurities and uneasiness and loneliness from my past. Not to get into it too much but when I was around 10 I went through a horrible time where a group of friends that I've knows since birth turned their backs to me and for a year, every Saturday for 8 hours I would sit in silence while they all talked and laughed around me. There are much worse parts of the whole story, but in a nutshell it really fucked me up badly. And when my best friend was getting closer to other people, everything from ~5 years back was coming back to me. I really struggled with it from the September 2015 to around this time last year, February 2016. Ironically, on this day one year back, my grandmother passed away. My only remaining grandparent. My support system for all these years. And it was harsh. But then, Seunghyun helped. Bigbang did in general but Seunghyun helped. Those Instagram replies from when he replied to the depressed fan? Yeah, that specifically. It helped me so much, because for the first time in god knows how long I had motivation to just, get better. It really resonated in me and I would not be in the position I am today if it weren't for that. Seunghyun's just...helped me overcome so much. When I'm going through off-days, i know I can smile by going on his Instagram or watching videos of him. It really helps me and it calms my mind, as delusional as it sounds. When I think back to two years ago, it makes me cry to think how fucked up my mind was. I would be in school every day thinking about how I wanted to just cry bc of life in general. And this is why him leaving is so hard on me (even tho it shouldn't). I'll be off to college soon, and I'll be independent for the first time in my life. I don't know how I'll survive, and knowing that I won't have Seunghyun's daily insta posts to help me out will be hard. I'll have to go thru college without a Bigbang comeback and it scares me to think about how I'll be an adult when Bigbang does come back. anyways. As much as I am sad and all, I truly am proud of him. And I really wish him luck good health and I'll stand by his side until whenever. Onto another topic....my hiatus from this blog? As y'all can see, I've not used this blog in a long while. Occasionally I'll come on to reblog some things until a post pisses me off and I leave the site again. Truth be told, I don't need tumblr as an outlet anymore. Tumblr now reminds me of all the shit I was going thru in the past, and I'm at a point in my life where I'm happy. I'm not 100% but currently, without all my recent off days, I'd say I'm 75-80% happy. And that's fine for me. I'll still keep this blog up, because I wouldn't ever want to delete this blog. I may come on time to time, who knows, but I've been spending my time on twitter now. I go on every day and I can just say what I want and I've recently been livetweeting a Hindi drama I love. It's called Kuch Rang Pyar Ke Aise Bhi and the last two times I came on I solely reblogged gifsets of it. While I haven't lost all interest in Kpop, within the last few months I've lost a lot of my multifandom-ness and I've been focusing on just being a VIP. Not to say I won't support my faves, but my focus is shifting towards Hindi dramas and Hindi music. Not entirely, but I'm getting back into it. Umm so. Yeah. I guess that's it. My twitter is @its_PMG , if anyone wants to follow. If I recognize your handle I'll most definitely follow back. Ps: idek if I'm gonna edit this for the future or not to make it more coherent but I'm leaving it for now tho cuz whatever tbh