#this is also why wow doesn’t work. they don’t let you play past expansions. drives me NUTS

[thefandomexpert]

ok. i see u complaining about how long it takes to get to shb, how are you supposed to get your friends into the fucking WONDER that is shb when they have to get through all of The Other Stuff First

I used to have this problem with Homestuck, people who wanted to skip to the trolls, or pass on the intermissions. I will repeat what I said then now:

The later stuff is mind-blowingly good BECAUSE of the setup slog. which is also fun btw, you’re having trouble selling it because you keep saying it’s a slog. it’s good storytelling! yes even arr and sb (i didn’t say it was the best storytelling!! but i’ve seen way fuckin worse!!!). You need to spend 300 hours with the characters and to watch them grow gradually for a LOT of the little character moments to even register later on, and i’m not even talking about the ascian reveals. estinien is a completely different character. thancred’s deep-seated issues have been brewing subtly since 1.0. the socio-economic political climate of the universe is SO important and SO well set up by the arr random task/fetch quests (BABY INCONSEQUENTIAL QUESTS. YEAH THE STUPID ONES IN THE INTRO PRE-SASTASHA SEQUENCES WITH THE NPCS YOU DONT REMEMBER. THOSE.) and that info is integral to character decisions made in every expansion afterwords, and is built upon consistently. the consistent build-up of the lore is, in my opinion, almost entirely the reason ffxiv’s writing stands out against other games of the genre. and it’s BOLSTERED by the fact that it’s a live service game with a shit ton of expansions you HAVE to play through single file when you start fresh. narrative games are usually 15-20 hours. ffxiv is giving you 500+ in msq alone (won’t get into how much the optional and side quests support the storytelling as well).

It’s like one of those long-running book series. you can’t ask someone to read Just the last book of animorphs and expect them to understand the narrative implications of what’s happening, or to get attached to the characters enough to care. that attachment and understanding is built by spending time and reading the other 1500 books prior. shb should not be treated as a stand-alone. in fact it’d be a bad standalone. it’s good BECAUSE there’s 500+ hours of playtime required to get there.

[sothetherogue]

So it sounds like my guild might end up taking a break from raiding in World of Warcraft. Even though Dragonflight has been much better, I guess everyone is feeling burnt out and our Guild Leader doesn’t feel in a position to lead for now after like 15 years of doing so. I get it, it has to be tough. I know I hate having to lead for even one night, and the way people just constantly complain or have issues with no solutions must drive him insane.

It sucks, because I play Warcraft to raid with my friends. If it truly is a break, and we come back for the next patch, that would be ok with me I guess? I don’t know how much I would play during that time. I might just work on some achievements and alts and such, just kinda relax. Or I might play other games? It doesn’t matter. But no one is having a fun time in raid, so I don’t wanna force anyone to do anything.

I just think its indicative of an overall shift in design for end game content in WoW. One that did not favor guilds like ours. See, I think for the most part, we are a really good group of players. In the past we always cleared most mythic raids, or got right up to the last boss. When it comes to M+ Most people in the core raiding group easily crack 2k with minimal effort, and most of them are even getting their 20s done and earning the portals. So...Why don’t we progress in raid? Right now we have 3 killed, and are pretty much going to be hitting a wall (Another reason for the break).

Everyone would rather be doing M+. They can do it in a smaller group, it’s easier to get the higher end rewards, and it a faster and better path to gearing than Raid. No one needs anything from the bosses we are killing in raid because...well they got equivalent or better in M+ weeks ago. M+ also lets you fail upward. Finish the key, but not in time? That’s ok, you still get some gear. Raid, spend 9 hours wiping on the same boss and not kill it? damn. Sucks. Better luck next time. Mythic plus a little too hard? That’s ok, lower it one level and it’s more doable for probably the same reward. Raid boss a little too hard? Oh well. Sorry.

High end raiding feels like it has pretty much become the spectacle for the Race to World First and the most hard core of raiding guild - So guilds like mine who are pretty good? Just kinda get left in the dust. Heroic is too easy for us, we crush and breeze through the entire place in like...an hour now. And mythic is too hard with us slamming out heads against bosses. There’s no balance and so...Well we are just probably not going to bother.

In the end I guess I don’t know where I am going with this. I just kinda wanted to vent, but I hate that I sit here thinking “Is this it?” Because frankly a break is one thing, but if we decide to call it quits on raiding as a guild? That’s it for me. I am quitting WoW. I have no interest in M+ and the solo content won’t hold me forever. I think there are easy wins and steps they could take to make raids better, things they have done in the past. But we live in the “Git Gud” era of video games and.....Well they won’t

It’s weird that one of the better overall expansions in a while might be what breaks my guild.

[litwitlady]

Date Nights (5/5)

Read on Ao3.

Alex wakes up on Christmas morning at 4 am, unable to fall back asleep due to a mixture of nerves and excitement. Sliding out of bed slowly, he tucks the duvet around Michael and pulls on sweatpants as quietly as possible before heading into the kitchen to brew a pot of coffee.

While the coffee maker works, he plugs in the Christmas tree and the garland over the mantle, admiring the twinkling lights and carefully chosen ornaments. For Christmas this year, they’d gathered with their friends and family early and exchanged ornaments. Liz’s gift had been a cowboy alien, glow in the dark and bearing no resemblance at all to Michael. Rosa’s had been a beautiful glass bulb she’d hand-painted with the cosmos. Kyle’s a simple wood-carved Merry Christmas. Rosa had gotten a hold of it and painted it with various iconography of the holidays - lights, Santa hats, and reindeer faces.

Max’s had been a collection of simple red Christmas bells, their jingle light and tinkling whenever either of them accidentally bumped into the tree. Isobel’s expensive and crystal - a star with swirls that reminded everyone of the console tech in Michael’s bunker. Maria had given them a giant, purple eggplant ornament as a joke, but they’d still hung it on the tree anyway. Smiling fondly every time their eyes landed on it. She’d followed the joke with a gorgeous, brightly-beaded patchwork that she said reminded her of how she felt when their love bled over into her sight - colorful, lacking definition, and like the calm that only comes after the storm.

Michael and Alex had chosen the rest themselves. A mixture of whimsy and classic Christmas. It was hodgepodge and lacked any real thematic structure, but it was also beautiful, filled with love, and theirs.

Back in the kitchen, Alex hops up on the corner of the counter and sips at his coffee. He had planned to let Michael sleep in for once, to cook him breakfast and spend the rest of the day either in bed or wrapped in a blanket on the couch. Keeping his gift for Michael a secret until sunset. But that’s not going to happen. He’s too keyed up. Too anxious to wait.

Pouring a second cup, he heads into the bedroom and sets the coffee on Michael’s nightstand. He finishes getting dressed so that it’s less likely Michael will be able to seduce him back into bed, and then gently shakes him awake. It’s not even 5 am yet so he’s not surprised when Michael mildly panics at being woken up while it’s still dark outside. ‘What’s wrong?’ He reaches out to palm at Alex, needing to make sure he’s okay.

‘Nothing’s wrong, but I need you to wake up.’

Michael’s eyes crack open and he blinks away the sleep before responding. ‘What? Why? We were going to sleep in.’ His voice is soft and groggy.

Alex grabs the coffee and hands it to him, hoping the warm drink will lure him into a sitting position. ‘I know, but I’m too excited to wait. I want to give you your Christmas present right now.’

It works. Michael sits up to sip his coffee and stare at Alex skeptically. ‘You’re making me nervous. You’ve got that look Isobel gets when she’s about to do something she loves but everyone else hates.’

‘Wow, Guerin. And to think I was going to scramble eggs while you showered.’

‘I’m much rather you join me. Eggs can wait.’ He slides his hand very suggestively up Alex’s thigh but gets his hand lightly slapped before he can do any real damage.

‘Nope. I’m not letting you get me naked. Not yet anyway. Now, go get ready.’

‘Okay. Now I’m definitely worried. When have you ever turned down sex? I can’t recall a single time.’ Alex swats his ass as he heads toward the bathroom.

A few minutes later, Michael pads into the kitchen where Alex hands him a bowl of scrambled eggs smothered with melted cheese and freshly chopped chives. ‘Eat fast.’ Alex’s own bowl is already half empty.

He only takes a couple of careful bites. Not because the eggs aren’t good - they’re great. It’s just that Alex is not the big gesture type, and Michael’s not great at receiving gifts of any kind, large or small.

‘Alex?’ He doesn’t know how to ask what he’s about to ask.

‘Hmm?’ He’s finished his breakfast. Sitting on the counter, phone in hand. Probably texting all their friends Merry Christmas.

Michael takes a steadying breath. ‘This isn’t...I mean, this gift isn’t...a proposal, right?’ The thing is he’s racked his brain two days trying to figure out what Alex has been so anxious about. Two days of his brain circling back to this conclusion every time. A proposal. Some giant gesture. Something so unlike Alex.

And to be honest, the idea of marrying Alex isn’t what makes him nervous. It’s the idea that Alex is only doing this because he thinks that’s what Michael wants him to do or needs him to do or some reason equally as unsatisfying. Because Alex’s meticulous, risk assessing brain cannot possibly think getting engaged so soon is a good idea.

The look on Alex’s face is hard to read. He’s tucked his phone back into his pocket and his lips have thinned like he’s trying to smile but forgot how. When he finally speaks his voice is low. Undeniably sad. ‘No, Michael. It’s not a proposal. Not really. But I guess you could say it’s not not a proposal.’

Alex slides gingerly off the counter, landing on his left foot and unable to meet Michael’s eye. That’s when he knows he’s messed up.

‘I didn’t mean anything by that. I just don’t want you to feel pressured to do something you aren’t ready for yet.’

‘You still doubt me. That’s fair.’ He rinses his bowl in the sink, keeping his back turned. ‘Well, it’s a good thing I hadn’t planned to propose then. Maybe we should just head to the Pony instead. Help Maria set up the charity lunch.’ There’s a tremble in his voice that Michael hates.

Alex starts to walk past him, but Michael grabs his elbow, spinning him back around. ‘Hey. Hey, hey, hey. I don’t doubt that you want this as much as I do. But I do think you’d ignore your own feelings to put mine first. I want us to be on the same page. That’s all.’

Tears burn at the corner of Alex’s eyes. Michael reaches his hand up to brush them away, but Alex takes several steps back, swiping at them with the back of his hands. ‘You’re right. I don’t make big gestures. They terrify me. This terrifies me - that I did this thing without your permission. So I’ve been a nervous wreck for weeks. Worried that you would say no or laugh or something else you would never do but that my brain wouldn’t shut up about. And now, I’m pretty sure I messed up. Let’s just forget about it and go help Maria.’

He leaves the kitchen, grabbing his coat off the dining room table. Michael doesn’t move until he hears the front door open and close. The door slams shut hard enough that the windows rattle over Alex’s keyboard, and Michael’s knuckles whiten as he grips the countertop.

This scene an all too familiar memory. Emotions high and Alex skittering away.

Taking a deep breath, he tells himself no. This is different. They are different.

Alex hasn’t run away. He’s just outside waiting, getting some fresh air and calming down. Clearing his head. Because that’s what they do now. They take breaks when needed, but there’s no running.

Michael stuffs his feet inside his boots and drops his hat on his head, coat in his hand. He finds Alex exactly where he expects to, huddled inside his Explorer and the engine already running. When he opens the passenger side door, Alex even manages a weak smile. ‘Sorry.’

‘No sorrys.’ He buckles his seatbelt and reaches across to squeeze Alex’s thigh. ‘We have plenty of time to help Maria. I want my gift.’

Alex nods but doesn’t move to leave. He drums his fingers on the steering wheel, biding his time. Michael settles back in his seat to wait.

‘Promise me something.’ His fingers stop their tapping.

‘Anything.’

He shifts toward Michael as best he can with his seatbelt fastened. ‘If you don’t like the gift for any reason whatsoever, you’ll tell me.’

There’s no running and there’s no lying. ‘I promise.’

The drive out to wherever they’re going is quiet. Christmas music plays faintly through the speakers, but neither of them says anything. Michael’s not a fan of the tension between them, but the lack of anger or sharp words proves -- at least to him -- that they’ve really accomplished something by working hard to get to this softer place.

He watches Alex out of the corner of his eye. Eyes fixed on the road ahead and mind whirling. Every so often he takes a measured breath, loudly exhaling. The most obvious sign that he’s been back in therapy for a couple of months now. Michael aches to climb into his lap and soothe away all his worries, all his fears. But until he knows what this gift is, he knows he can’t.

About half a mile from Foster’s Ranch, Alex pulls the car off the road, coming to a sudden stop at the chained gates of the old Ellison property. Michael watches him climb out of the car and walk a few feet onto the ranch, ignoring the half-dozen no trespassing signs.

Worried that he’s about to have a panic attack, Michael follows him. Placing a comforting hand on his shoulder and studying his face. Nothing seems wrong, his breathing even. ‘You alright?’

‘Yeah. What do you know about Ellison’s Ranch?’ His eyes dart back to the locked gate.

It’s a strange question, but maybe he needs a distraction. Michael’s happy to comply. ‘Uh, Old Man Ellison was a bigger dick than Foster. Died earlier this year. No family so the property was supposed to go for auction. About a hundred acres, give or take.’ He shrugs.

‘Hundred and one.’

‘What?’

Alex motions to the wide open expanse ahead of them. ‘One hundred and one acres exactly. Homestead property, used by the Ellison’s for horse breeding mostly.’

‘Okay.’ Michael’s not sure where he’s headed with any of this. ‘Ellison hated trespassers.’ He points back to the signs. ‘His ghost is likely to murder us if we stand here too long.’ He laughs at his own joke knowing how much Alex hates even the mention of ghosts.

But Alex just keeps staring straight into the distance. ‘We’re not trespassing.’

‘Signs beg to differ. We should just keep going, Alex. There’s nothing out here but dirt.’ He turns to head back to the Explorer, hoping Alex will do the same.

‘I bought this place at auction last month. Signed the final papers Wednesday morning. We’re not trespassing. It’s ours. Merry Christmas, Guerin.’

Michael stops dead in his tracks, spins slowly around. Alex’s hands are now in his pockets, shoulders tense. ‘What?’ He rejoins him, wrapping his fingers around Alex’s bicep. ‘You had this kind of money?’

‘No.’ He risks a quick glance at Michael and then back out toward the mountains. ‘It’s the money from my dad’s estate.’

‘Your dad left you his estate?’ That’s the wildest thing he’s said all morning.

Alex snorts. ‘Fuck, no. He didn’t leave me anything. Left almost everything to Clay, a bit to Greg. His weapons collection to Flint. Nothing to me.’

That checks out. Entirely expected. But rage boils just beneath the surface of Michael’s skin anyway. Alex is and always has been the best of them. And even if he is biased, that’s still the truth. ‘Then how?’

‘The auction notice was in the paper one morning when I was having breakfast with Greg. We talked about it. I mentioned how perfect the acreage was -- meant more for residential living than farming or ranching. Mentioned wanting something like this for me and you.’ He smiles, a real one this time. Full-bodied and bright. ‘A week later they wired me the money. Greg wanted nothing to do with dad’s legacy, and Clay wanted nothing to do with any of us, really.’

Michael gawks at him. Mouth agape and eyes wide. ‘It was enough?’

Alex nods. ‘For the property, yeah. Razing that old farmhouse and building a home of our own? That’s going to be up to us.’

‘A home of our own?’ He knows he sounds like an idiot. Repeating Alex’s simple words back at him. But that’s the best he’s got at the moment.

‘I thought maybe we could design a space that works for both of us. A space adaptable to my mobility needs, roomy enough to have friends stay whenever they want. A home meant for a family with a couple of kids.’ He pauses, lets that sink in. ‘A dog or two. Maybe some chickens and goats out back. Horses, even. Since there are already stables.’

Michael steps behind him, pressing his chest into Alex’s back and wrapping his arms firmly around his waist. ‘Keep going.’

‘A workshop for you. One that’s not buried in the ground. Where the sun shines on your face and the stars guide you at night. A soundproof studio for me so I don’t bother anyone trying to sleep. And anything else, Michael. Anything else you want.’ His voice falters the tiniest bit, low and strained with emotion. Another measured breath. ‘It’s too much. Right?’

Yes.

But the thing is, Michael can see everything Alex described. The house, the workshop, the studio. Even the goddamn horses. And all of that is nice. Perfect. The best dream imaginable. But what sells him is the mention of kids. Their kids. Their kids growing up here. Safe and loved. Chasing after chickens and crying over skint knees. Michael holding his little girl’s hand as she wobbles down the steps desperate to run after the dog while Alex follows with their son in his arms.

Suddenly, his mother’s words come to him, unbidden from where he’d locked them away. The words he’d kept for himself. Don’t be afraid to fight for your own happiness, my love. How easily she’d seen through him and known exactly what he needed to hear.

So, he fights.

‘Yes.’ He whispers the words directly into Alex’s ear. ‘But we’ve always been too much. Me and you. Why stop now?’

Michael kisses down Alex’s neck and holds him tighter while the sun climbs higher overhead, illuminating the desert morning stretching out around them. Cars pass behind them on the highway and somewhere in the distance, a rooster crows. He replays the scene in his head again -- their little girl tumbling down the stairs, Alex snuggling their son into giggles.

Alex has made him this promise, and now it’s his turn.

‘Hey, Alex.’

‘Hmm?’ Michael knows he’s lost in his own daydream. Perhaps the exact same one.

‘Marry me.’

[cartoonfangirl1218]

EoA ships fluff headcanons part 2

Do they have bubble baths?

Eleteo: Oh yes, Mateo is a wizard after all so it’s not like they even have to plan, he just casts a spell and there in a tub of suds. Elena particularly loves it when they have rose petals to add to the mood and candles. They could spend hours in the tub together sometimes with Elena getting mischievous and starting a water fight. Gababel: Yes, originally as part of Isabel’s aromatherapy project to see if different combos of smells and soaps help relax. Ironically, she got so stressed by it, and that Gabe insisted on taking over one night to give her a relaxing bubble bath, free of science but filled with massages until she was blissed out. Estebanaomi: Not really since they have a shower on the ship and a rather cranky one at that, you never know if it’s going to be freezing or not. However on those islands, sometimes they do come across natural steam baths or jacuzzis and they take full advantage of those to enjoy each other’s company and get steamed in two different levels. Estoma: Very rarely. Like they’re busy most of the time, so they only do it on a vacation when they can have all the time in the world to enjoy it. They go very slowly, taking time to wash every single part of the others body and if the hand slips, oh well then...

Random heartwarming thing

Eleteo: Elena forgoing her usual plans of excitement and olaball and fencing to spend a whole day indoors studying spells on the spirit world with Mateo. Mateo appreciated it because not only did he need to catch up if he wanted to reach master wizard level in time for fighting the malvagos, but also seeing how hard Elena tried to sit still and pay attention even when reading uninteresting texts like that huge Spirit World book Zuzo had. Elena loves whenever Mateo goes out of his comfort zone but one particular moment was when some person from a rival kingdom, let’s go with King Hector insinuated at a royal meeting that Elena was unfit to rule due to her mood swings powers, her traitorous cousins and young age. Before anyone could even blink, Mateo got up and delivered a impassioned speech on Elena’s behalf highlighting each  and every accomplishment of hers and her strength that Hector no where near possesses as well as her compassion and true love to her subjects. Elena was amazed by how riled Mateo was, but also just in awe that he thought so highly of her. Yes, she knew he loved her but that speech was just wow.

Gababel: Gabe made Isabel cry when they were brainstorming their vows. Yes, they wanted it to be a secret but first they started joking around with mock ones like “The moment you drooled on me when you fell asleep on the carriage from Paraíso, I just knew you were the one.” Stuff like that. But then Gabe pulls out this stunner saying he knows he can make her cry which Isabel doubts https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Zzef69S8sM Isabel was touched by how much Gabe had grown and his love for her that this guy who claimed actions spoke louder than words, could speak so eloquently when it came to describing his love for her. An act that truly touched Gabe was one time after a brutal search mission for the past month, Gabe returned back to the barracks, exhausted but excited for the next morning since he had a date with Isabel. He slept through the day. He was horrified when he woke that he missed it but to his utter shock, Isabel had cleaned his office that he had being meaning to do, as well laundered his smelly clothes and had a small note on how he needed his rest and she’ll see him tomorrow. He was touched, she didn’t have to do it. They were only dating but she cared and it warmed his heart. Estenaomi: Naomi broke her ankle one time working on the dock and this was early on in their friendship so up till now Naomi has known Esteban through his annoying, impulsive nature and his occasional sweet side. Well right then, she got a front seat view to how caring Esteban can be. He personally delivered soup to her room everyday and would stay and chat. At first, Naomi thought he was replaced by some imposter but once he started engaging in some banter about how much she complained about not being able to move. She knew it was him, and she appreciated how he took the time out of his so called busy schedule to keep her company. Naomi did a surprising, almost unexpected gift for Esteban when she vouched for his responsible nature and stood up to tell his abuelos that he was more than ready to take on more work within the palace and the Grand Council. His abuelos had been a bit blinded by how they usually see him going off on adventures but Naomi’s words woke them up to that Esteban was growing up and he was maturing. Esteban was super grateful for that and also teased her for inadvertently admitting that he was more than a “mediocre looking narcissist” as @missnobodynobodius put it.

Estoma: They have a lot of talks together by the fireplace when they become a couple and those convos can get pretty deep and sweet as well. In a mixture of nostalgic musings and a bit of insecurity over his treasonous actions, Esteban admitted that he used to be jealous of King Juan back when he was known as Prince Juan. Juan was like the perfect prince, never acting out of emotion, always responsible, a family man that would never hurt his family. He could see why everyone wanted to talk to him and be with his presence, he was like a Fairy . Doña told him she didn’t care much for fairytales much less princes. She preferred the sulky beast who only wanted love but was cursed. He was real, he knew about suffering and he was able to grow and learn lessons and mature. Fairytale princes didn’t do that. It was a thin metaphor and he knew exactly what she was implying and he melted. Bit by bit as Esteban talked about his feelings pre Shuriki and his betrayal and all the lies and deception, Doña admits some of her own past and her flaws like how she didn’t go to college. She dropped out of school after her quinceñera. Which admittedly meant she didn’t go to high school either but that sounded worse. But the best part was for once there was no teasing comments or “That explains so much.” He just listens and accepts it and doesn’t hold it against her and she loves him for that. Who drives the other crazy in bed?

Eleteo: Elena does. It’s the Flores in her but she is just very flirty and teasing and knows just how to drive Mateo wild which she enjoys because she so likes seeing Mateo’s eyes widen in anticipation and eagerness with his focus totally on her. But sometimes Mateo does too. Unintentionally. The boy can be so oblivious when he thinks is being suspenseful but Elena is just ready to explode. Gababel: Gabe for the most part. He has more experience if you pardon the euphemism plus he has all those extra moves from fencing and training and stuff. He’s a bit like Elena that he enjoys Isabel’s excitement and he also is foremost intent on pleasing her. But Isabel can give as good as he got sometimes. Don’t count out the spicy Flores gene. Estenaomi: Esteban does. He has had way too much time formulating ideas back when he was friends with Victor tbh. And though Naomi can’t believe how eager she can get when she knows Esteban can drag it out with the best of em, she also must admit, he knows what he is doing. Then again, Naomi is easily able to turn the tables sometimes when Esteban is an impatient mood, and she drives him insane. Estoma: Both do honestly, it’s like part of their cat and mouse game to show off their erotic prowess,  and have the other one begging their name like a mantra.

Modern day living?

Eleteo: I feel like Eleteo would live in Miami, Florida in a quaint but expansive beach house. Not only because of the large Latin community but it has all the beaches there and it is so colorful and lively that I imagine they would have tons of fun adventures there. Gababel: I see Gabe as a total all American guy so maybe some sort of midwestern town would fit him, but I ultimately imagine them settling in a small town in California. Somewhere in the mountains where there is a tight community and they know their neighbors but close enough for Isabel to go to her job in Silicon Valley. Estenaomi: Hmm I think they’d still be travelers like backpacking through Europe, but their home base would be a nice apartment in Miami near Eleteo or I’m thinking New Orleans, Louisiana. It’s a port town after all with diverse restaurants, peoples and places plus not to mention fun holidays like Mardi Gras. Estoma: I think they would have one of those huge penthouses in New York. Or what is that rich people place? The Hamptons. Yeah, it has it all. All the high end fashions, theatre, and business stuff. And they would totally be the type to splurge and have an additional summer apartment in Europe or something.

Aus

Gababel: So somewhat of a switch but Gabe is the royal prince of Avalor while Isabel is in the army. But not as you think. She isn’t a guard but she’s still a scientists tasked with making new more effective weapons, transportations and the like. Anyway, Gabe a la princess Jasmine wants more out of life then being a prince and occasionally playing sports like olaball like his father wants. He wants to go out and defend the people. So he sneaks out to go to the barracks but he is stopped by Isabel when he passes her laboratory which he is immediately intrigued (by the lab and her). Isabel who is sort of a working hermit and she’d be lying if she didn’t get flustered at seeing *the Prince of Avalor!!!* in her lab. Well they get to talking and Gabe is amazed that he has never heard of all her contributions and what she has done and vows to help her get the recognition she wants in a non-military experiment and Isabel promises to help in turn become a royal guard. Estenaomi: So I’ve seen young!Esteban and I’ve seen waiting for Naomi to become the appropriate age, but what if...picture a world where Esteban had also been in that amulet with Elena and when they get out Esteban is the young one and Naomi is the one in her 40s. By that time older Naomi hasn’t become any something special, but she is content with it. Sort of. Not really, but she thinks it too late for her now. Anyhow she gets on the Grand Council for her life experience around the realm and there relationship is a lot like in the show. Only Naomi is the more realistic one who knows how the world works while Esteban inspires her to see she still has a chance to get her dreams. Estoma: So in this one, Esteban made the deal with Shuriki but at last minute did the right thing and told King Raul and nothing happened. So the family was a bit hurt and confused by Esteban’s feelings of loneliness and they promised they would work on it, they still felt Esteban needed to be punished. So he is sent to a small village ranch for the summer to learn that work takes responsibility as well as a chance to see how people work together and depend on one another like a family is supposed to. And as you can guess, it was doña’a family ranch. And it’s a bit like P&P, she thinks he’s spoiled brat and an interference that she has to teach him and while Esteban thinks though the whole summer is going to suck, he finds her attitude an insult to his pride and wants to prove he can totally “slum it.” But then there competitive antagonism turns flirty banter yet there is still obstacles. Namely her fiancé and everyone’s belief, including Esteban’s, that no way he would go for a poor villager, he’s so much better than that.  Eleteo: So Mateo is the adopted son of Prince Gabe this making him Prince Mateo, however he still feels like an outsider because he is adopted as well as knowing he is capable of magic skills that royals are not suppose to possess much less study and learn. But like his brother, he decides to sneak out and find a master, that master being none other than Elena, the royal wizard, wielder of the magic of Takína. Obviously their magical studies bonds them in more ways than one. They confide in one another of Mateo’s outsider feelings and Elena who is still coming to terms with her grief of her parent’s untimely death in battle with her mortal sorceress enemy, Shuriki. So together they team up to help Elena avenge her family and for Mateo to find out the truth of his biological family.

What pet would they have?

Eleteo: I don’t know if they would since their already sooo busy with their lives. I guess Flo counts technically. But when they have kids, their children really really want a dog so they get a energetic, friendly one. The breed...probably the breed from the dog statues in Royal Rivalry. I don’t know the name though. But anyways it’s clear that the dog is like their kid’s child except when it chews up one of Mateo’s spellbooks or pees. Then it’s up to the parents to clean up of course. Mateo also gets his own personal horse to join with Canella in the royal stable. Gababel: I feel like they would keep those hamsters that Isabel had in Science Unfair. Not only for safe, animal friendly experiments but they’re just so darn cute, and easy to carry around. And it’s surprisingly engaging to watch them run around in their little track. They both have horses, of course. Can’t leave Fuego out, and even though Isabel isn’t much of a riding fan, she has one too. Estenaomi: They get a parrot. There can’t be a ship without a parrot, at least according to Esteban’s adventure fantasies. They got a blue macaw parrot and he is the most ornery, cursing bird ever. No kind word to anyone but Esteban and Naomi like him anyway. They also briefly had a monkey. Imagine the one from the Pirates of Caribbean movie but he was disruptive and had this habit of throwing plants at Esteban as if he knew his pet peeve of them. Estoma: I don’t think either would particularly own a pet. They do have horses since Esteban has Valiente and Doña would probably get one her own. The only other pet I could imagine is some stray cat that goes in and out of the palace and particularly likes to nest on Esteban’s coats if he leaves it lying on his bed. Bonus: Alonso totally uses animals as props for his dates  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8yQDIvGz3cWhich led to King Juan implementing the rule of no borrowing animals from the royal menagerie to impress girls.

Embarrassing nickname? eleteo: Hmm I’m not sure actually but probably something like pan dulce monster for Elena because you know how she gets with her pan dulce, she’ll devour everything in sight. And Mateo especially likes to reference that picture of two year old her covered in pan dulce from your fic😉 But the thing is, it’s hard to embarrass Elena so she just takes it in stride. Elena calls Mateo some manner of nauseatingly sweet name like “Honey boo boo kins” for fun when they’re in front of Naomi and Gabe or even Olivia because Mateo’s blush is just adorable. The other embarrassing one that Mateo got in his childhood was Klutzteo because he was so uncoordinated in school. It still makes his face burn to think about it but Elena reminds him of his absolute grace when it comes to dancing. Gababel: We already know Gabe’s embarrassing nickname, “Baker boy.” Actually The Curse of El Guapo wasn’t the first time it came up.  He heard it a lot in grade school when things were a bit more class conscious and poor people were treated with disdain, also some kids couldn’t believe the Great Roberto Nuñez stopped his olaball career to bake. Isabel’s embarrassing nicknames never stuck but they usually followed the pattern of dull or boring or goody two shoes which did not boost her confidence when she sometimes compared herself to Elena.  Estenaomi: I feel like Naomi would have some sort of nickname from her parents that she keeps telling them to knock it off and they do it anyway like Miss Fiestypants which of course, Esteban found out during one of the family dinners and he loves to bring it up since it fits so well. He also makes up some of his own during their many adventures together. Naomi’s favorite nickname for Esteban is “Geyser” after the one time Esteban got drunk and got a tattoo on his back of a huge geyser that looked like it was coming from his butt (yes just like Ted’s butterfly tattoo in HIMYM. I felt a geyser would be even more ridiculous and so like drunk Esteban to go big or go home)  Naomi freaked out when she saw it and she loved making jokes about him blowing his top and stuff like that. Even after he got it removed. Estoma: Esteban’s embarrassing nickname as we know was El Segundo which had disastrous consequences on Esteban’s self esteem. It just reminded him how he was physically inferior to Victor, how everyone paid attention to Elena. That he was second to everyone else in the world. And well, just Esteban.... poor poor Esteban. Doña’s embarrassing nickname was Whore. It all started because her little sibling couldn’t pronounce her full name. And you try to convince a child to try something else when the kid is determined to say what she or he wants, and of course, others thought it was hilarious. It got worse when puberty hit, and she got self conscious that any flirty action she did would be perceived as whorish.

Meeting extended family?

Eleteo: Well obviously Elena has Alacazar full approval even though they got together after his death. But they can just sense it you know. Mateo is beloved by Elena’s grandparents. If I may take from Becky, with Luisa in particular trying to put some meat on his bones. Isabel likes Mateo too of course. He’s like a brother, one who is always willing to listen to her invention ideas and also a calming influence on Elena. Esteban thinks the same. Gababel: Isabel’s whole family enjoys Gabe’s presence though Elena sometimes likes to pull the protective big sister act to catch Gabe off guard. But still their friendship is solid albeit with more teasing. Francisco likes the chance to talk about his vigilante days and watch his swordsmanship and Luisa once again overloads him with treats. Esteban respects Gabe and he too, sometimes pulls protective older sibling act because Isabel is the baby and they’re just protective of her in general. Isabel got to meet Gabe’s aunts and uncles and cousins during the engagement party which was awkward at first. A lot of them were intimidating because she was *the princess of Avalor * but as time wore on, she began to make them feel at ease with his goofy jokes and love of science. Though some still panic when they think they might have potentially offended her. Estenaomi: Esteban was a hit with Naomi’s cousins and aunts and uncles who like to tease and joke with him about his fancy manners and pampered upbringing. Basically it was a fun party with lots of back crushing hugs and blueberry juice. It didn’t take much to win them over. He was already a part of it. Naomi was already warmly accepted with Elena thrilled for her bff to become her sister and Luisa and Francisco admiring her spunk and sassy ways. They thought they balanced each out well. Isabel enjoyed was always counted on to be a riveted audience or a tie breaker for a fight. Estoma: Francisco being the kind man he was happily accepted Esteban’s new gf, and they found a lot to talk about like books and theatre and other culture stuff. Luisa was a bit wary because she knows how Doña acts and Doña was awkwardly polite to her. It got better after the marriage and stuff. Elena was willing to try to make the best of it and so was Isabel but they never became close like Mateo and Gabe are. Age differences and such. Doña didn’t have any contact with her extended family and the only one alive that she knew of her was abuelo who still held a grudge about her parents eloping. But Esteban insisted on going because he wanted to meet him. First, the man didn’t appreciate the unexpected visit. Then began the judgyness like why are you living together when you’re not married? Why marry someone from outside your village? And acting personally offended by how rich Esteban was like in that HIMYM clip, “Oh you with royal upbringing and fancy suit, YOU THINK YA BETTER THAN ME?” Esteban was furious and wasn’t sure how appropriate it would be to throw his drink back at him and yell “YES! I AM!”

[doodlingadventures]

Will Shadowhunters be playable in WoW? Will it be soon?

Hi. So… some guildmates asked me this a few hours ago(yesterday as I’m posting this), and also an anon, and it surprissed me a bit that this same question would happen so much today, but hey, if you want my opinion… here’s a transcription of the conversation.

Do I think Shadow Hunters could be implemented in World of Warcraft as a playable Class?

Well, obviously, if Blizzard wants, yeah, they will come up with any good enough (or not) excuse, and bum, new class.

If you’re asking about story posibilities? As much as the lore states that Shadowhunters are incredibly rare because it’s VERY HARD to become one in the first place, when it comes to game mechanics, most of the “lore impossible shit” becomes no big deal, like the mass ress, DKs and Demon Hunters everywhere… so I don’t think that should be an impediment. Also, remember that you could “play as one” in Warcraft 3, with Rokhan, so perhaps the question is not if, but when. Which…

What could they bring new to the game? What do they do exactly?

Well, Shadowhunters are…a strange combination; they are never really easily fit in one of the already existing Classes, which is part of why I think it’s a very good reason to have them implemented. Anilities depend on the character mostly; For example, Rokhan is as if you combined a shaman with an axe thrower or survival hunter (since they’re melee now), and Vol’jin…. he has been shown to have shaman like abilities in the novels(totems), but also capable of casting shadow magic, using a bow and glaive in melee combat, and I think in the wowpedia they once described his way of being a Shadow hunter as “a combination of a rogue and a Priest”….so it’s kind of complicated, but for simplicity’s sake, let’s say that shadowhunters are more shaman like than any other Class; they comune with the Loa/Elements, can heal their allies and can be melee fighters or casters. Or bowmen, but maybe that’s just Vol’jin.

The thing is, if they were to be implemented in game, it could be truly interesting! currently the armor is divided in 3 Cloth users, 4 leather, 2 mail, 3 Plate, so if SH are mail, given that they’re the most alike to shamans and hunters, it would even out the armor… distribution..? you get the idea. I mean yeah, the’re always shown to have very light armor, usually made of wood and feathers and cloth, but the item Shadowhunter’s mask is mail, and if they can alter gear so DH look shirtless half the time, when that doesn’t happen to the other leather wearing classes, then Blizzard can do so with this. Or create a new armor type, Wood.

Also, with the current changes to the hunters, DH have more in common with them too, there’s a melee spec(surv), and two range dps, one physical (markmanship), the other could be “caster”, since you spend more time in pet related spells than actually hitting anything as a BM Hunter.

So, unlike DH, who only have Tank and Melee DPS as specs, SH could have one Melee DPS spec, one Ranged DPs spec, which could combine spells and arrows and it would be cool, and a Healing spec. And by changing some details here and there, it could become its very own unique thing, and improve the game. It’s true that Rokhan has always been more the “healer” spec, and Vol’jin… depending on the medium he is more experienced in melee (Novels) and others he just stays ranged (in game), so who knows for sure if they could have 3 or 2 specs.

And I’m not including the “Draenor Shadow Hunters” because…they didn’t really do much, so we haven’t seen them actually fight. Same goes for the Siame-quasi.

If they would be implemented as a normal Class or a Hero Class… I don’t know, but it’ll probably be the later.

What races do you thinks could play as SH?

Well, Trolls obviously and…. uh, this is gonna be tricky. Ok, I’m going to outright say that Nelfs will definitevely not be Shadowhunters, because there are already enough Night Elfs running around, and because they can already be two of the rarest classes, Druids and Demon Hunters. Also their aproach to Wild Gods is much different to the troll’s.

I think that the fair thing would be that only one race of each faction could be ShadowHunter, or, shadowhunter would be Horde only, or just Troll, and Blizzard would give another special class to the Alliance, just like Shamans and Paladins where back in Vanilla.

But ok, let’s say that at least one race of each faction should be able to play as SH, for equality’s sake.

On the Horde side it would be Trolls, on the alliance we’ve already discarded Night Elfs, Gnomes have no interest on the wilds or the spirits, so they’re out; Draenei, although the Rangari are shown as skilled hunters, they are more focused on the Naaru rather than Wild Gods. Worgen can be Druids, so they could work… but their aproach to the Wild Gods is more influenced by elven ways, so I don’t think they count either. Pandas we’re not going to count…

That leaves us Dwarves and Humans. The Wild Hammer Clan brought Shammans to the Dwarfs, they are storngly linked to nature and also they happen to live very close to a Trol tribe, so, maybe the animal spirits of the mountains are willing to comunicate with them? But it just doesn’t sound right…

And as to humans… My first thought was no? but then I remembered the whole Lo’Gosh and Varian Wrynn business, which is different from the Worgen, since they were “cursed” with the wolf form and Varian was “blessed” with wolf like agility… also there’s this , which I think it’s just Blizzard reusing the name because it’s cool and really doesn’t have any bigger significance. Honestly, the Vault of the Wardens dungeon kind of drives me crazy because you have to fight “Shadowhunters” to reach this guy

and…. I swear Blizzard is just testing my patience. Or wildly trolling us.

Speaking of Tyrathan, unless what happened in Shadows of the Horde somehow makes the Loa have some sort of interests in humans, and Blizzard just uses it as an excuse, I really do think that Shadowhunters have no place as a Class in the Alliance. (Well if Blizzard wants, and the Alliance babies cry enough, they can pull anything out of their asses and justify anything by making up lore, so who am I to say it couldn’t happen….)

If they’re ever to be implemented, in my opinion, they should be a Troll exclusive class, or at most, avaiable to Taurens and Orcs, and even that doesn’t convince me. And if you’re going to protest why should only Trolls get all the fun, honestly I think lately we have been disrespected enough to deserve a compensation.

And Finally

When do you think it could happen?

Um…. so if I happen to be correct about a few theories I have, that are posted in my tumblr,

Anyway, if we are reading the signals right, and the Loas intent to have the Troll tribes united to defeat the old Gods once and for all… the Shadowhunter could be avaiable in the expansion centering around the fight against the Old Gods. Legion is like a big experiment with both the Weapons and the Classs Order Halls, and for the most part it’s turning out succesful, so just imagine an Order Class for Shadowhunters full of tiki and rush’kah masks, troll style glaives, maybe Bwonsamdi chilling with Sen’jin in some part of it, just getting to know more about the Loa in general, and recovering a powerfull glaive from a legendary Shadowhunter of times past…. it would be AWESOME. XD

I don’t know if this will be the exp after Legion, or maybe the one after that, but given that we have the certainty that the Old Gods will break free, and Vol’jin is coming back anyways, I think the posibilities are very high for this to be sooner than later. But who knows.

And this is what I think of the whole thing! Thanks for reading, and let’s cross our fingers so we get lucky with this :)

[trishgibsontx]

the insidious nature of self-sabotage

photo by Jennifer Santaniello

hang tight — this is a long-winder post below! don’t get lost…

self-sabotage: none of us is a stranger to it. it “happens” differently for each person. and in this regard, talent or intelligence as commodities are actually irrelevant — because the cure for self-sabotage is one thing and one thing only: vulnerability. let me explain.

vulnerability is needed to open ourselves to experience any kind of recognition of authentic self. it strips away the layers of autopilot that cover the authentic self with (false) “protection”. for me, vulnerability means a few things: going to therapy (not easy to look at things that disappoint us about ourselves, rage us about our past or personal injustices, etc), trying new things (even a new exercise like yoga, pilates, marathon running, martial arts, etc.) and meeting new people (when I live nearly full-time in the philosophical and spiritual realms it can be challenging to go and have a “basic” conversation that is outside of my typical flow/verbiage/thought process). for example, I recently had dinner that was comprised of very “normal” conversation with some very people. this was not for work. and when the question came up directed at me which was “so, what kind of hobbies and interests do you have?”, I felt challenged. wow! if this were 20 years ago, I would have had answers, or at least answers that I felt I could give. it’s a very normal question, too. but my challenge was to answer the question without going down some esoteric path that is just still not relatable to many people. if I’m being completely honest, part of me felt like a loser for pausing so long to answer it, but then I later realized that my life is really 99% work and perhaps I need to stretch that 1% where I feel vulnerable. perhaps I have focused too much (or all) of my being on life’s purpose and mission, keeping myself safe in “what I know”, and while I don’t regret a moment of it (it has taken me very far very fast in terms of what I want to contribute to this planet), the fact that that question made me feel vulnerable grabbed my attention to let me know that I have been too much in my comfort zone somehow (even though I feel like my work pushes many comfort zones constantly! if this even makes sense). what I realized is that by accepting feeling vulnerable and not trying to ignore it or cover it up in some way, I can grow — which will keep me further away from self-sabotage. and I will explain how.

when we are focused on growth, prompted only by acceptance of vulnerability, we are OCCUPIED; the unconscious mind that operates on old cassette tapes from prior decades starts to WAKE UP. these cassette tapes are the very unseen/unheard — until after we sabotage ourselves — pattern-repeaters that disrupt us moving forward in life. when we are occupied because we are expanding, and vulnerability is the KEY, ALWAYS, to expansion, the unconscious mind which is full of bad “safe” patterns gets disrupted. the first way that it gets disrupted is in that the unconscious mind serves to actually help us AVOID vulnerability. so, when we actually walk STRAIGHT into it, we have already started to disrupt that loopty-loop track that it is ingrained in, in order to “protect” the ego/self. yes, whether ” good” or “bad”, that unconscious mind and the ego adrenaline that courses alongside its commands actually serve to protect anything that is familiar to us. this obviously creates a huge problem when what is familiar to us is really bad for us. lots of us learned things out of pure survival when we were 1 day old or 7 years old or anything in between or beyond, just to survive. we may not remember these things. in fact, we often DO NOT remember these things — because we were in a state of pure survival! base level survival doesn’t engage in conversation — it just survives. this is why I continue therapy. there are things that have been too dangerous for my mind to remember. but, in order to move toward and THROUGH vulnerability, and into my full expression of myself, I have no choice but to remember. and it’s very chicken and egg, because that very remembrance actually surfaces each time I disrupt the patterned unconscious mind with vulnerability.

we all do it — we “keep ourselves safe” with the things that make us feel safe. it is why many corporate people only socialize with other corporate people. it is why certain socioeconomic brackets only socialize with similar socioeconomic brackets. we are constantly avoiding the unfamiliar, because it is uncomfortable. however, avoiding discomfort and therefore shunning vulnerability which is the only key to actual inner (hence outer) growth is by definition the insidious nature of self-sabotage. I will go into greater nuanced detail with an example or ten from my own life.

I recently had a session with a prior patient named Alexis. she came for my new year pop up dedicated to past patients. I love and adore her so much. her initial session with me was one of my favorites. I mean, I could truly say that nearly every session I have done is my favorite, and I remember each session like it was yesterday. but each is unique unto themselves and Alexis is absolutely unique and special. hence her session which also provoked a piece of me. before we began the table work during her session, we touched base on so many fronts. similar to what I always talk about with people — in terms of what holds them back from moving forward on whichever front, tangible or intangible. I was telling her that the morning of her session, in fact the night before it, I was awoken by a very strong urge — an urge to “take action” around a particular matter involving a group of people. the urge was strong, and there was an element of negativity to it. a number of years ago, I worked with a company that I became gravely disappointed in. I had witnessed extensive abuse of helpless persons, and I was horrified — at the time, I took immediate action, reported it, documented everything, and did all that I could. though I took all of the action that I could, I have been awoken over the years to traumatic memories of this experience. each time this happens, I have to ask myself the same question again: did I do all that I could? the answer is always yes. however on the day that I was to see Alexis, I was awoken with rage and pain over what I had experienced with this company a number of years ago. the feelings were so intense, that I actually woke up with the intention to somehow expose this company. my mind was extremely occupied with this seeming guidance to act. the intention seemed and felt so very loud, and I was having a hard time rationalizing “where” this drive was coming from. was it an actual intention? or was it something else? what I would later ask myself, — the most important question perhaps — was, “is this my unconscious mind bringing me self-sabotage? to distract me from the positive things in my life? is this an old pattern somehow?”. the reason that I did not INITIALLY — as in the morning of this “insight” — ask myself whether it was self-sabotage, is because I could not tie it to anything. in the past, self-sabotage occurred for me (or so I thought) only AFTER something wonderful happened in my life. let me explain my personal patterns of self-sabotage (as well as an example of a former patient’s personal pattern of self-sabotage) first, to give you an idea as to particulars and “format” of my self-sabotage —

as I said earlier, self-sabotage is created for us and resides in the unconscious mind, and is simply an attempt to REPEAT patterning that we survived upon. whether that was a “good” or a “bad” thing. for me personally, since I could ever remember, life began and went like this: every single birthday, holiday, award ceremony (I was an accomplished athlete as a young person), play, job interview, first date, graduation or otherwise should-be “celebrated” event in my life was completely destroyed in the most horrendous way (each and every time, right up until January 2017, in fact — at which point I was then already doing it “to myself” after onset of my adult years on bizarre auto-pilot “self-protective” patterning). it was destroyed with physical and emotional and psychological trauma/abuse, danger, punishment and rage from those who were supposed to take care of me. there are too many examples to give, and I will give a few, but in short, I was never ever allowed to celebrate myself. in fact, my life depended upon NOT celebrating myself or achieving anything. so over time, I learned how to damage any potential opportunity for myself — not because I wanted to or was even conscious of doing so, but because my body and mind (unconsciously and sometimes consciously), from a pure adrenal and survival based level, equated personal achievement or celebration with pure danger or destruction.

brief examples: I do not remember one holiday or birthday of mine during which, immediately before, during or immediately after, I was not a hysterical mess/in tears/punished (often sadistically) for some reason. the reasons eclipse me, because usually there were none. the hypervigilance of knowing that anything positive or special would be met with consequences is still in my body, and I work to shake it out. I won’t go down the rabbit hole of digression with who/why in terms of how this happened. but I was always a mess during said “special” times. nearly all of my first days of school each fall, including most notably with actual clear memory my sophomore year in high school, were met with a red and swollen face because I had been crying for hours endlessly and I was completely sleep deprived. this is how I was supposed to start my first day at school. the shame and humiliation I felt all around was unchartered. it was worse than having special holidays or birthdays met with the same, because at least with those I knew everyone in the room or I could hide from people. the first job interview I ever had when I was 15, the person driving me there was drunk and swerving all over the road. I hopped out of the car briefly, but got back in because I felt guilty for the person who was committing the crime (this is how brainwashing works). when I got to the interview, I was totally spaced out, again red-faced with tears, obviously because I was traumatized. somehow I got the job (because someone close to me knew the hiring manager). ironically (or not), the very last day of this job, which was just 3 short months later, the person who drove me home from it was completely intoxicated again, and I once again feared for my life while in a car. it was almost too perfectly fit around my first job, which, by the way, I was fired from. why was I fired? well, perhaps everything in my body said “ruin this — ruin this”, based on the very loud messages I had received prior, even on my way to the actual interview. not consciously, of course, was my experience of ruining this opportunity ahead of me. I simply seemed to follow — like a robot — the meridian lines of my body and mind. I recall leaving that job in the middle of the day to go explore another part of the location’s grounds with someone who worked in another department. I didn’t let anyone know, I just went, and when I came back I was fired for doing so. I was living up to all that I was “trained” to do, and I did not realize that at the time. other examples; my very first boyfriend at 15. I cared for him. a whole lot. more than I would for anyone else for years. he felt the same. while immersed in the chaos of my home and training ground at that time, I overtly sabotaged that relationship. I hung up on him repeatedly via phone, I acted crazy when he was driving us, taking the steering wheel and swerving us off the road for “fun”, and I ignored his offering of love and a deeper relationship. of course he stopped wanting to see me. this left me heartbroken for 2 years, and I could not date for those 2 years. in high school I was approached by a photographer for quality modeling and head shots, which would have given me work. I instead gave the opportunity to a friend. that same month, I was offered a day-time runway job by a NYC agency that would have paid my car insurance and other bills I was responsible for. I never showed up for the run-through. I felt too guilty since it was clearly not ME my parents were pushing to be the model, but rather my sibling. I recall being filled with shame and humiliation as the director of this agency was trying to hire me the last time I went in. I felt inherently afraid of achieving anything, making money, or shining. when it came time to apply for colleges, I didn’t care if I went or not. but it was in my upbringing that I would go, and I was lucky to go. but because I didn’t care about a future or plan for one, I was totally blase about applying for college. I randomly applied for the first two that were suggested to me, and bypassed a number of schools or other routes that would have been great opportunities for me. to boot, I barely attended class in high school, was voted most least likely to be seen, and I almost never studied. I acted like an airhead in school (the opposite of what I was) to satisfy my fear or ever being credited with respect or achievement. again — I was following some subconscious protocol. highschool graduation itself was a drama, focused 100% on others and their drama, not me. I ended the night in raging tears, as I would my college graduation as well — because nothing positive was ever allowed to exist for me without the absolute opposite…hell on earth. there was hell to pay for happiness, and hell to pay for celebration, and hell to pay for anything that took me into who I was to become (my soul’s purpose). after college, I took a job out of state and began dating someone back home with serious mental health issues (ok to my credit he seemed fine at the time, at least on paper, but it’s not surprising that I was following what I knew). during my second month on the job, both he and the person who used to drive me drunk to my first job came to visit me. you might guess that I lost my job in the new city. I either showed up late, or had to call in sick too many times, due to the drama visiting my apartment, which really meant I could not “show up” for myself or others. my past could not escape me, or I could not escape it. you get the picture — anything good that was ever on the table for me was a massive threat to all that I had known: ruining good times and good opportunities for myself was deeply rooted. my association with anything good was simply danger. fast forward —

I spent years underachieving as a result, but perhaps more concerning, self-sabotaging around very specific subjects: accolades, recognition and opportunity. or base level growth. the “how” in my case, is specific and I have outlined it here. and yes, it is devastating and irritates my skin even while writing about it. but the thing is, we each have this — in one form or another. maybe not in my form. but thematically, on a chemical level at least, it is all the same. I’m not suggesting that we were all encouraged to self-destruct in the face of what should be welcomed and celebrated, like I was. but, we have each received some kind of message of LIMITATION in order to survive. whether it was from a social group, society, TV, our neighbor, our family, or otherwise. I know that we all have this, because I see it over and over in my practice, with some of the most successful people on our planet!

for example. John Doe works for an incredible company. he makes millions of dollars. he had a relatively stable home life as a child. however, as some do, he had a relationship with his father that he did not believe impacted him negatively (until he discovered his self-sabotage in his own work, via our session together) when it actually did. John is a top producer at a major firm. however, he feels a constant fear of failure around losing money for the company. since he is very smart and well-liked, he never loses his job, but he lives in a constant state of fear around “letting his boss down”, and never quite makes to to the “next level” with the company. he realizes that in order to go to the next level, he can’t feel this feeling anymore. but where does it come from? we can’t change it unless we can find it. the same way I have to constantly make associations between my past and present. in our session, I explain that he is in constant self-sabotage mode, on a daily basis, as an ego adrenaline response to the past. he looks confused. “how?” he says. I illustrate the pattern in which he learned at an extremely young age that his father left the family after the divorce and that he was the cause. John’s constant fear of failure at work is produced actually by his own fear of vulnerability — he has not yet been willing to “go there” and see that he is not actually responsible for the family’s/company’s dynamic. seeing that he is NOT the cause, requires vulnerability, because without it he is otherwise locked in a pattern of survival. this causes a pattern in John where he insists on gripping this fear in his heart at work where he unconsciously blames himself in advance for letting down his boss and company, because he has to repeat an old belief where it was internalized that he is responsible for the fate of a human infrastructure (family). giving up that belief is very scary for John. his inability to see that his childhood family dynamic was NOT his fault is caused by ego adrenaline, because when are children, we assume responsibility for that which is too complicated to process psychologically. we actually HAVE to assume responsibility, at a young age, for that which we can not process psychologically, or otherwise risk annihilation (death) of the ego because it feels too unsafe. this is a very insidious process. John is still doing this at work, because letting go of responsibility is just “too risky” to the part of the mind that is committed to it. just like it was for me. because we could not control it. and so we had to commit to it as our own. and now we are just hitting repeat with anything that resembles that experience. so, as we sit in our healing session, we discuss what the trade-off might be associated with, with ending this self-sabotage aka ego adrenaline coursing from the unconscious mind. if John is to let go of this, and he stops worrying about losing the company millions of dollars, and instead says “fuck it” and loses the company millions of dollars and is “ok” because he can finally admit that it is not his fault (i.e. his father leaving the family was not his fault), then his boss fails to become his father and he can effectively “give up” this old conditioned pattern. and he can make it to the next level. and so with my CBT method and conversation, we fix this together, and John shatters his own glass ceiling.

the above is a basic example. it illustrates what the mind does in response to stimuli that mimics an old experience. but what about this — what about self-sabotage that occurs in the ABSENCE of any tangible stimuli? this takes me right back to explaining my recent session with Alexis. when I woke up the morning of her session, and I had such a strong “intuition” to put my energy into exposing (again, just on a more public level this time, which would bring negative attention my way — quite the old pattern indeed) a company that I experienced as having corruption, for the first time I paused before taking action around such a thing. I then had a novel idea, which I shared in Alexis’s session: what if, for the first time in my life, my impulse or compulsion in response to stimuli was actually taking place BEFORE the stimuli? so in my case, the stimuli as I expressed was/is anything that is positive/loving/notable in my life, typically centered around achievement. what if, this time, I was feeling the impulse or compulsion in direct ADVANCE response to what was COMING my way? I quickly considered the fact that perhaps our brainwaves and natural intuition is so strong, akin to a dog sniffing a tornado, that this time I was picking up on something wonderful coming my way and ruining it in advance. wow. what was I to do next? first, I was to pause. just pause. and everything about my session with Alexis and what we spoke about with regard to her, validated that need to pause and “just see”. I could hardly believe (but I believe it now!) that perhaps our spidey senses are so strong that we self-sabotage before we even believe that we have had the ability to do so. the next thing I did was sit with the feeling and the SPACE that came with NOT reacting to the impulse, perhaps veiled as guidance, and feel it. do you know what it felt like? it felt glorious. it felt like pure love. it felt exciting. this is the space that was always meant for me before broken furniture was thrown into it by others and I had no control over it. I saw that I didn’t have to throw my own broken furniture into it anymore. it was in that space that I KNEW something incredible was coming my way, and perhaps for the first time ever, I would not be on auto-pilot to damage or ruin it. sure enough, a few days later, an incredible opportunity came my way. one that I won’t ruin. because……..vulnerability…

I won’t ruin it, because I have decided to replace my old cassette tapes with careful, willful vulnerability. instead of following “insight” that has me following up on and walking INTO the grave mistakes and injustices of others, when it is NOT my responsibility to do so, as I was feeling in regard to the company I had that experience with (very similar to my youth, ey?), I have decided to distract my unconscious mind with something new: new things, new people, new places, and the unfamiliar in general. because if I can do this, if I can replace my old comfort of sabotage with vulnerability, the meridian lines around my unconscious mind are re-routed and have to work even harder to stay stuck. but this can not be done if we are not challenging ourselves in order to break up the survival mode of the ego adrenaline and unconscious mind. so this is what I am doing: going to therapy, continuing to make old disappointing connections to my past that liberate me, and challenging myself with the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. even on the most base level. we don’t need to look far to find something that can challenge what we are accustomed to, even on a day to day 3d note (people, places and things). like, how about even taking a new route home from work to change up the familiarity ingrained in the body’s gps? I know that if I can keep this up long enough, and continue to feel vulnerable enough, my patterns won’t get the best of me. because my corrosive patterns will be weaker, and my being will begin to get permission to survive upon something new.

I see self-sabotage with the most talented people on our planet. friends. former friends who were once friends but so poorly sabotaged themselves to the point that I did not want to include their lack of consciousness or strength around being vulnerable in my life anymore. and these are the same people who do not understand why “some people make it, and others do not”. some people make it, not on their talent, and not on their hand-outs — but on their willingness to be vulnerable — over and over again. this can ONLY be found in unfamiliar territory. so, I offer you this question today: what are some of the scariest things you can do in order to diversify your routine? I told you some of mine: venturing out into the great abyss of the more basic and regulated world and immersing myself in it (because hey, my purpose is mainstream, and nothing can get me away from that, not even my unconscious mind), flexing muscles I have not used in a long time, or ever. I have kept myself safe the same way that we all do — by sticking with what I know because it gives me a sense of who I am. but what about who I am NOT? because who I am NOT, any longer, is the person who distracts themselves with other people’s mistakes in order to avoid my own happiness.

  The post the insidious nature of self-sabotage appeared first on The Medical Intuitive Blog: Healing Elaine™.

from Trisha Gibson http://www.themedicalintuitiveblog.com/2018/01/29/insidious-nature-self-sabotage/