#this is also why jc is such a dick in the present half of the novel:

[qiu-yan]

MDZS and asshole victims: thoughts on the second siege of the burial mounds scene

this post is not about morality judgments. this post is about reader sympathies only.

one rather clever rhetorical trick MDZS employs is putting all the more background "surviving victims of wei wuxian's actions" into one big angry mob at the second siege of the burial mounds, instead of letting them crop up anywhere else in the story. it's easy for a first-time reader to write off the guy who lost a leg at nightless city, or the guy whose parents died at nightless city, because both of those guys are being dicks. they're part of an angry mob baying for wei wuxian's blood--unfairly baying for wei wuxian's blood, because this time he didn't even do the thing they're saying he did. by putting these two victims into a mob of not just fellow victims but also unaffected individuals (ie. sect leader yao, who just showed up for kicks), the story can effectively equate these victims' grievances (ie. "you killed my parents") with unreasonable mob rule--even if these two things might not actually be equivalent.

the effect of this rhetorical trick, then, is that the reader can at once perceive the themes about mob mentality MXTX wishes to convey, and also effectively write off the victims' complaints. "yes, i did that to you, but i literally died already, what more do you want me to do? shall i walk on my knees repenting?" becomes easier for the reader to accept. and more importantly--wei wuxian's likability as a moral and just protagonist is not impacted.

ngl tho. it would be a bit more difficult for the reader to write off these victims' complaints if, instead of meeting said victims in an angry mob, the reader instead met these victims almost anywhere else. imagine if, instead of meeting mr. "you killed my parents" at the second siege of the burial mounds, we instead met him getting smashed at the local bar and crying about how his parents are dead. imagine if, instead of meeting mr. "you chopped off my leg" as a member of an angry mob, we instead met him begging for alms on the side of the road because his disability rendered him unable to work in a wuxia-esque setting. or imagine--if either of these background characters, overcome with survivor's guilt and trauma from nightless city, hung himself in his bedroom, and the next day his body was discovered by his 15-year-old daughter.

all of these scenarios are entirely plausible. you could easily include any of them into the story without changing the main plot at all. but suddenly shit just got a lot more depressing.

however, no such scene would ever be included in MDZS. the reason is that, as a work of fiction, MDZS's single most ardent goal is for us the readers to conclude not just that "we like wei wuxian as a character," but also that "wei wuxian is ultimately a morally righteous person." when the narrative focus shifts onto the people who were actually helped by wei wuxian's actions (mianmian and her family, lan sizhui, the few months of dignity the wen remnants were afforded) this becomes much easier for us to conclude; wei wuxian does indeed look like a hero. but the more narrative focus is given to the negative impacts of wei wuxian's actions--the more the "victims of wei wuxian" (whether actual victims or not) are given a face, instead of abstracted away by broad summaries--the more the reader might side-eye wei wuxian instead. every new victim given a name, given narrative attention that isn't just focused on making them look like an asshole, arouses the reader's sympathies in the opposite direction--and thus increases the risk that the reader might ultimately disagree with the novel's conclusion of "wei wuxian is a righteous person."

tbh, this does not seem like a risk MXTX particularly wants to take. instead, she's mastered the art of writing Asshole Victims.

which is an entirely valid writing decision, because imo basically every work of genre fiction out there does this to some extent.

[amplesalty]

Christmas 2019: Day 4 - A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas (2011)

On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

Four rounds of sliders!

So, turns out I had the title of this movie wrong, it’s not just A Harold & Kumar Christmas, it’s a 3D Christmas! Which also answers the question of where we go from the second movie, apparently out goes all that racism and in comes just so, so many shots of things flying at the camera.

It’s 2011 by this point, have we not left all this in the past? Hell, they were doing this in House of Wax when I watched that last year and that was back in the 50’s. To their credit, they do poke fun at the whole 3D thing at times, like near the start Harold’s assistant brings in a big ass TV meant as a present for Harold’s father in law. Harold questions if the whole 3D thing hasn’t jumped the shark by now but his assistant disagrees, exclaiming that it’s going to be ‘amazing’ as he points down the camera for emphasis. Harold just dryly asks who he’s looking at.

Harold has been moving up in the world it seems, now a very successful businessman on Wall Street. Unfortunately this comes during the whole ‘Occupy Wallstreet’ movement and the streets outside his office is lined with protesters wanting to eat the rich. Perhaps with a side of eggs which they throw at him by way of the camera lens.

Like a good soldier though, his assistant steps into the line of fire and takes a barrage of eggs to the face. RIP in peace. They have this whole musical sting whilst it’s happening, I feel like this has to be referencing something but I’m not sure what, war movies aren’t my thing.

Harold’s father in law by the way is played by non other than Danny Trejo, which is a rather scary thought. Trying to impress the father in law is bad enough without factoring that into the equation. He’s predisposed to disliking Harold as well given that his mother was killed by a bunch of Korean street thugs when she came over to America.

We learn that in his youth, Mr Perez dreamed of celebrating Christmas with a Christmas tree but would never get his wish. It was only upon reaching America that his mother promised they would have one every year, only for his life to be cut short. That’s why he holds this season and Christmas trees in particular in such high esteem. We also learn that apparently he was born with his moustache, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me with Danny Trejo. Also, someone being viciously murdered by street thugs seems a bit dark for this franchise.

Speaking of facial hair, Kumar is still a layabout bum who got kicked out of medical school for failing a drugs test. I do dig the beard though. Vanessa has left him though and he lives in filth with a neighbor who rents out his bathroom to let homeless people take a shit. So yeah, little bit of a mismatch on how our two heroes lives panned out over the last 7 years. I’m digging the beard though, but he promptly shaves it off under the pretense of trying to finally mature somewhat when he finds out Vanessa is pregnant.

Although, he is a little distracted during this revelation by the unfolding scenes of A Christmas Story and Flick getting his tongue stuck to the flagpole. Clearly an Xbox man as well, seemingly playing some Crackdown and Gears of War recently. This isn’t like that time I kept seeing It’s A Wonderful Life everywhere, is it? I’m not going to start having A Christmas Story pop up in all these movies, am I?

H&K are reuinited for the first time in two years when a package turns up at Kumar’s apartment addressed to Harold, which turns out to be a massive joint. Kumar lights up, only for Harold to play narc and throw it out of the window. Miraciously though, it curves around and flies back in a different window, lighting up Mr Perez’s Christmas tree and nearly burning down the whole house. This only reinforces what a negative influence on Harold’s life Kumar is and it looks like our duo are going their separate ways again. But, this does give us our impetuous for another hour and a half of whacky shenanigans because if Harold doesn’t fix that tree, there’s a good chance Mr Perez might kill him.

So we get the odd foursome of Harold and his new white bread bestie, Todd (and his daughter) and Kumar and his neighbor, Adrian, out on the lookout for a tree. This does lead to perhaps the most racially driven portion of the movie as they head to a tree lot run by two African-American guys trying to do this ‘good cop, bad cop’ thing, the Fat Albert looking guy playing nice and the other wondering what a pair of honkey, cracker, white ass fools are doing coming up in their turf.

Turns out Mr Perez isn’t the only one out to kill Harold though, as the tree search takes them to a party by way of Adrian who has a hookup waiting for him that he met online. She’s a virgin because apparently all the guys at school are scared to go anywhere near her. Adrian realizes that’s because her dad is notorious Ukranian mobster Sergei Katsov. At first I thought this was Chris Meloni making his third outing in the series but no, it’s actually Elias Koteas who was Casey Jones in the Ninja Turtles movies.

After Adrian goes soft upon finding out this information, Mary will settle for anyone at this point and goes to start blowing Harold right in the middle of the party. An inopportune time then for Daddy to come home and find what looks like an Eiffel Tower situation going on.

Even after they barely escape though, the nightmare is far from over as they start tripping and think they’re in the middle of a multi storey evil snowman attack. And, this all takes place in claymation. This is a really awesome scene, the design of the snowman is great and the level of destruction going on is amazing.

I could do without Kumar showing off his clay cock though, I only dread to think how much worse this is in 3D with him waving it about in your face.

Luckily, old buddies Rosenberg and Goldstein are there to shake them out of their bad trip and take them to White Castle to relax. Man, they have a much easier time getting their this time. They’ve clearly learnt from their past experiences. Along with the whole 3D into the camera gimmick, the racism angle has been replaced somewhat with religion, notably here with a whole speech about how Goldstein’s wife had him convert to Christianity and him just going in on those ‘dirty Jew bastards’.

That and the use of his son as a distraction so Harold & Kumar can go steal a tree from a church. ‘Pillow fight in the altar boys room, last one there is a rotten egg!’. Going in on the Catholics as well, I see.

And of course, the big one, the main man JC. Apparently Heaven is like a nightclub and we get the story of how NPH was ushered in the front door following his altercation at the whore house. Only, Jesus didn’t take kindly to NPH macking on his ladies so put in a word to the big man upstairs to send NPH back down to Earth. I mean, it’s not 100% to the letter but I’ll take this as I fucking called it.

The third part of the trifecta of racism replacements in this movie is metaness. There’s a good example here how they call out NPH coming out of the closet in real life, only to reveal that NPH is as big of a poon hound as he’s ever been and this is all just a trick to get the ladies. David Burtka? He’s not his husband, he’s just his dealer!

There’s a couple of other moments like someone referring to Harold as ‘Sulu’ or Adrian saying he lied to Mary and said he was Robert Pattison’s acting coach and that Kumar worked in the White House.

NPH is starring in some big festive stage show and sweet talks one of the dancers back to his dressing room, suggesting she strip down so that he can give her a massage. Hey, it’s cool, we’re all girlfriends here, right? Now just give him a minute so he can squirt some of his special lotion on your back...

He hooks up H&K with a tree from the set but before they can head home, the gangsters catch up with them take them to a secluded part of town for an execution.

But as they make their escape, Harold finds his dick has become stuck to the pole they were tied to. Okay, firstly, between this and Office Chrstimas Party, I’ve seen just about enough dicks to last me til the end of the season. Secondly, maybe this is God’s way of reminding me that I have some unfinished business with A Christmas Story. Sure there was the original and that sequel no one asked for but there is another...

And just in case you forget this is a Christmas movie, Harold inadvertently shoots Santa out of the sky and Kumar has to perform impromptu surgery, because he always does. Santa being played by Richard Riehle who was in Grounded for Life and, relevant to this blog, Chillerama and the Rob Zombie Halloween II. Turns out he was the one who sent Harold the massive joint so that the two of them could reconcile. I never knew Santa cared so much about the friendship of two potheads. I don’t know if he’s a good fit for Santa though, a little too gruff and mean. Doesn’t have the heart of say, an Edmund Gwenn. That could have been an alternate way to do this actually, have a totally sacherine by the numbers Santa that gets corrupted by H&K when they get him to smoke with them, he’s on too much of a bad trip to deliver the toys like normal so it’s up to them to save the day.

I think I would have to put this above the sequel but behind the original in terms of quality. As one note and as fleeting an appearance as he is, the Ukranian gangster somehow feels more of a threat than the entire US government in the second film. Keeping this adventure local again makes it feel much more grounded and there’s just a more light hearted atmosphere to the whole thing when you don’t have that massively racist and oppressive tone pressing down on it.

[au-universes]

The New New Testament (Ch. 1)

By Father Par Par and Luci

Warnings: swearing, violence, and recreational drug use

edited - keep reading link

          Jesús Christ was not the most popular boy in school. However, he was one of those guys who the popular people wanted to be friends with, but they couldn’t quite figure him out. You see, Jesús was a real chill guy. He had fluffy, curly black hair which he often kept in a bun or ponytail. He was half black and half mexican, and he was beautiful. But he was humble about it. He was on the swim team, the best woodshop student the school had seen in 2018 years, and always seen at the volunteer events in the community. He was a real average guy, who just happened to be………….. The son of God! 

God was the the most successful CEO of the most successful business in America. He lived at the top of the tallest skyscraper in the land. It looked out over Detroit, the best city (AN: and if you haven’t been to Detroit screw you!). Jesús saw his dad on weekends, because every other day, he lived with his mom, María, and his stepfather, Joseph.

“You ready for that math test, JC? Cause I’m not!” oh yeah. And his stepbrother, Kendall. Kendall was about a whole head taller than Jesύs. He had curly blonde hair and a pleasant enough face. He was not on the swim team, and therefore, was not as fit.

“I don’t know, I could’ve studied more… I feel like I’m probably gonna fail,” said Jesύs.

“Well, you better not fail,” said María, her hands on her hips. Maria was a beautiful Mexican woman with brown skin and hair. “And you better get out of here or else you’ll be late for school!”

Jesύs and Kendall grabbed their backpacks and headed out the door, barely making it to the bus on time.

“Do you have swim practice after school?” Kendall asked Jesύs. “Cause I was wondering if you wanted to help me make some hor’ dourves for the party tonight?”

“Yeah I do. And Jason’s party? The quarterback?”

“Oh krust, did you not get an invitation?” asked Kendall.

“Yeah I got an invite, but I’m not going.”

“Why not! It’s gonna be lit!”

“Well, I already planned a movie night with Mags and Pete. We’re watching Sing. You can join us if you want.”

“No, I don’t want to fourth wheel on your date,” said Kendall.

“What? It’s not a date!” “Mhmm, sure JC,” said Kendall, bouncing his eyebrows.

JC rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I’ll help you with the hor’ dourves though.”

The school was boppin with Friday energy as the bus rolled up, top down, I Am the City by ABBA blasting. Kendall and JC hopped out of the bus and split apart, heading to their respective first hours.

As JC walked into his first hour, he saw his two bffs, Peter Saint and Mary “Mags” Magdalene sitting in their usual seats in the back row. Peter was wearing Jesύs’s swim team hoodie and jeans. Pete was tall with brown hair and lots of freckles that Jesύs sometimes got lost counting. Mags was short with dark skin and hair that was braided in an intricate knot atop her head. She was wearing overalls, cuffed at the bottom, with a cute striped sweater underneath. They greeted Jesύs as he walked through the door.

“Greetings Jesύs!” they said in unison. Mags and Pete looked at each other and started laughing.

“Hey guys,” Jesύs said kissing them both on the cheek before sitting down between them. “Is that my hoodie?”

“Yeah, you left it at my house when you two spent the night the other day,” said Pete.

The kid sitting in front of them turned around and grumbled, “Get a room…”

Just then, the teacher walked in. It was…………..Dumbledore!!! As Dumbledore started teaching, Jesύs found a note flutter onto his desk. He opened it and it said in Mags’s handwriting “Did you get invited to Jason’s party tonight? Because we did.”

Jesύs wrote back, “Yeah, but obviously I’m not going. I have better plans ;)”.

Mags blushed and wrote back, “When should we come over?”

“I’ll text you guys. I have swim practice then I have to help Kendall make hor’ dourves.”

Mags read this and looked at Jesύs with confusion. He shrugged and waved it off. The trio spent the rest of the hour listening to Dumbledore moan on about Moby Dick.

After school, Jesύs had swim practice, just like any ole day. The swim team was made up of 13 guys, and Jesύs considered these guys some of his closest friends. Pete was on the swim team, and he was the best diver in the school. Judas was the captain of the swim team, and he was an absolute swimming star. There was also Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Thomas, Matthew, Jim, Jude, Simon, Matthias, and Paul. Together, they were a force to be reckoned with.

And this force was about to reckon with all the other schools swim teams in the district. Time was of the essence, the team needed to prepare for the biggest swim meet of the season. District finals. This was where people were discovered by Olympic scouts and other various talent scouts.

Just then, Coach Moses walked out of the wings and into the pool area, where the guys were.

“Alright team,” he said, looking at all the boys sitting on a bench. “In one weeks time, we have the biggest swim meet of your young lives. In years past, there have been swimmers who have gone to the Olympics because of this very swim meet. Remember Michael Phelps? This is where he was discovered. That’s right, the Michael Phelps. And guess who was his swim coach? Me. And now I’m your swim coach.”

“Seems like a downgrade,” Luke whispered.

“This is what I’ve been preparing you for. This is what you’ve been training for. Now get in the pool, let’s warm up.”

Swim time was now. It was the time for swim practice and Jesύs was present. And his apostles i mean uhhhhh pals yeah pals were there too. All wearing swim stuff like goggles. And they were swimming. In the pool there was a shark! Oh krust! Pete stabbed Luke with a VCR which was sharpened into a round krust. Yum. Coach Moses yelled “stop krusting around! Everyone start doing the swim. If you don’t, I’ll kill everyone and the shark.” “Oh don’t yell you krusty fuck,” said Shark, who was eating bits of Luke. Luke was complaining about Dumbledore and Moby Dick. He was not alive all of the time. Jesύs wasn’t worried because Luke wasn’t nice. He was a krusting fool. Coach Momo killed Steve because Steve wasn’t cool.

JK The team jumped in the pool and started swimming warm up laps. Jesύs was focused. He was going to swim the freestyle for the 200m medley relay, which was by far his best stroke. He was both nervous and excited, but he took that energy and focused in into his warm up.

After, Coach Moses had the team practice their events. Jesύs found Andrew, Philip, and Luke, the other three members of the relay. Andrew was first with the backstroke. He started in the water and flew across the pool. The backstroke was his speciality. Once Andrew hit the wall, Philip jumped in and swam the breaststroke. Next was Luke, swimming the butterfly. It was the hardest stroke, but of all the members of the team, Luke was the best at it. He held the school record for the fastest 50m butterfly. Once he finished, it was Jesύs’s turn.

Jesύs dove into the water gracefully and set off across the pool. He loved swimming freestyle. He could feel the water moving around him as he powered through the pool. By the time he hit the wall he was out of breath. He felt like he just swam a mile.

He pulled his goggles off and saw his teammates staring at him in awe. Coach Moses was celebrating.

“Kid, that was the fastest I’ve ever seen you swim! If you can do that at this meet, you four will take gold for sure!”

Jesύs climbed out of the pool and saw his team’s final time. He couldn’t believe it, but he knew it was real. They really had a shot at winning this thing.

“Michael Phelps better watch out,” said Coach Moses. “Jesύs Christ is coming through!”

Jesύs got home from practice, still full of excitement from his record time. He found Kendall in the kitchen, getting the bacon and the water chestnuts ready.

“You already know what’s about to happen,” said Kendall, bacon in one hand, water chestnuts in the other, and a smirk on his face.

Jesύs scrunched up his face and said, “Ew. Why did you say it like that?”

“Like what? Alright JC, pass me those toothpicks and lets go to work!”

The brothers worked side by side for about an hour, talking about Jesύs’s swim practice and school, while making the best damn bacon wrapped water chestnuts Detroit had ever seen. They were marvelous. Glazed with honey and caramelized sugar, with a hint of cayenne pepper and cinnamon. Kendall knew these hor ‘devours would rock Jason’s world.

As Jesύs texted Mags and Pete, Kendall ran upstairs to change into his party attire; a striped polo and khaki pants. He went back downstairs, pulled the ice tray out of the freezer, and dumped it into the bottom of his blue Jansport backpack. He then piled cans of Diet Pepsi on the ice and slid the tray of glistening bacon wrapped water chestnuts on top.

Kendall zipped his backpack closed and slung it onto his back. He said, “Alright, I’m off!”

“Wait,” said Jesύs. “The party doesn’t start for another few hours.”

“Well I gotta walk,” said Kendall.

“You can use my bike,” said Jesύs.

“Nah, I don’t know the lock combination,” said Kendall.

“I can tell you what it is.”

“Don’t even bother JC. I’ll forget it by the time I walk out the door. I’m meeting Lucius Malfoy,” said Kendall.

“Who?”

“My friend from the police cadet program,” said Kendall. “He wants to be a police officer too! Alright, see you later!”

“Text me when you get there,” said Jesύs. “And call me if you need me!”

“Yeah, yeah JC. This ain’t my first rodeo,” said Kendall, halfway out the door. Soon he was full out the door, on his way to his second rodeo.

Soon after Kendall left, Jesύs heard a knock at the door. It was………….. Dumbledore! Jk it was……………. Mags and Pete!

(AN: You ready for your movie date Jesύs?

Jesύs: *blushing* it’s not a date!

AN: Suuuuure ;) )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Devin strolled into the party at around eleven at night. The house was boppin and Tik Tok by Ke$ha was making the ground vibrate. Red solo cups littered the yard and hooligans were smoking something funky out on the porch. He adjusted his blue Jansport backpack as he entered the house and pushed through the crowd of drunk high schoolers. As Devin passed the beer pong table, his heart was pounding and his palms were sweating. He didn’t want to be here, but he had to be, because if he messed this up, that would be bad. Real bad. The baddest of bads. Ironically, Bad, by Michael Jackson came on next.

Meanwhile, Kendall was having a good ole time. He had taken off his backpack long ago and left it somewhere in the living room so he could dance with the hottest girl in school, Nicole. Nicole was a solid 11/10, with her billowing black hair and bangin bod. Kendall’s polo had come untucked a long time ago as him and Nicole rocked out on the dance floor. After Bad, WTF came on and the school’s dance battle team, the Rhythm Fusions, came out and did a hot af routine, the crowd going wild.

Devin took his backpack off and tried to find his burner phone in it. But then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and saw the hottest girl he’d ever seen.

“Hey cutie, wanna dance?” she asked, flipping her blonde hair. Devin didn’t know what to say, but he quickly zipped his backpack closed. She grabbed his collar and pulled him to the dance floor. Devin panicked as the backpack slipped out of sight.

As the night went on, Kendall slipped further and further into the chaos of the party. At some point, someone gave him a mysterious pill which made him see colors he’s never seen before. He found himself in the kitchen, playing beer pong with Nicole and two other people he didn’t know. One of them was a really hot blonde girl and the other was a slightly panicked looking, sweaty black dude wearing mostly black. Those two were winning, which meant Kendall was getting waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasteeed.

As Devin scored another point in beer pong, he saw a group of men come into the house. They were not high schoolers. Devin broke away from the beer pong table and ran into the living room, looking around frantically for his backpack. He saw it, leaning against the wall. He grabbed it and slung it onto his back as he ran for the back door. The men who were not high schoolers saw him and ran after him. But there was a bunch of water dripping out of the bottom of Devin’s backpack onto the hardwood floor, which the men slipped and fell in. This gave Devin the opportunity to run outside and hop the backyard fence, outrunning the men.

Meanwhile, Kendall was nearly blacked out on the couch. After the men ran through, many people decided to call it a night, afraid the cops would show up. Lucius found Kendall looking rough.

“Come on man, let’s get you home,” said Lucius.

“Lucius, I can see your words…” said Kendall.

“Get up dude, let’s go home,” said Lucius.

“Wait, where’s my backpack?” asked Kendall as Lucious pulled him off the couch. Kendall saw his backpack leaning up against a couch and he grabbed it before him and Lucius left the house.

Meanwhile, Devin was running as fast as he could. He didn’t know if those guys were still behind him, but he didn’t want to turn around to check. He finally made it to his girlfriend's building, taking the stairs two at a time to get to her apartment. When he got inside, he closed the door and locked it.

“Devin, is that you?” a woman’s voice sounded from around the corner. It was…….. Emma! His lovely girlfriend. She was wearing a black slim evening gown, her diamond earrings peeking through her black hair, which was cascading down her shoulders. “Did you find Rob?”

“No he wasn’t at the party. But Gerald’s men where. I had to get out of there fast.”

“So you brought it back here? What were you thinking? Also why is all that water coming out of the backpack?”

“Water? I thought someone spilled a drink on it,” he said, pulling the backpack off and looking at the puddle on the ground behind him. Water was dripping from the bottom of the backpack and he noticed that his back was completely soaked. “What the hell?”

He put the backpack on the ground and opened it up, revealing a tray of the most beautiful bacon wrapped water chestnuts Devin has ever seen. Under that tray was a mess of melting ice and Diet Pepsi cans. Just then, there was loud banging on the door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jesύs, Mags, and Pete were cuddled up under a pile of cozy blankets on the couch. Johnny “that’s my son” from Sing was singing I’m Still Standing on the screen. It was lit. Far more lit than the party. Jesύs’s phone dinged and he looked at it. It was a text from Kendall which said, “Im coing homw”

A second text said, “with thei hourhsuecvrds”

Jesύs knew what he meant. Within minutes, Kendall walked through the door.

“Hey guys! That party was lit!” said Kendall, totally sober. “You guys missed out, but you look so cozy so it’s okay.”

“We are,” said Mags. “Are you still drunk?”

“Nope! Had a bottle of water on the way home. Anyway, I totally forgot to put out the hor’ dourves and the Diet Pepsi so I guess you guys can have it.”

Kendall unzipped the backpack and dumped it onto the blankets which were over the three teen’s laps. Several plastic wrapped bricks of white powder fell out onto their laps, followed by a small flip phone. Jesύs, Pete, and Mags looked down at this mess with wide, horrified eyes.

“What the hell did you do at that party, kill someone? This is cocaine!” said Mags.

“You don’t know anything, that’s not cocaine,” said Pete.

Mags pulled out a pocket knife and slit open one of the bricks. The power spilled out a little bit. She dipped her pinky into it and tasted it.

“Yep, this is cocaine alright,” said Mags.

“We need to get rid of it!” said Jesύs. “Mom’s gonna kill us!”

Just then, the flip phone started ringing. Everyone looked at each other. Kendall picked up the phone and answered it.

“Hello?” he said.

“Is this Devin?” a rough voice asked through the phone.

“No, this is Kendall,” said Kendall. Jesύs looked at him in horror.

“What are you doing?” Mags whisper-shouted. Pete and Jesύs gently put the cocaine bricks on the ground and extracted themselves from the nest of blankets.

“Who the hell is Kendall? What happened to Devin?” asked the man on the phone.

“I’m Kendall, it’s me. I don’t know any Devins,” said Kendall.

“Kendall, hang up right now,” said Jesύs.

Kendall held up a finger as he listened to what the man on the phone had to say.

“Meet us at the abandoned parking garage at fifth and Krust. Tomorrow at 11:52 PM. Sharp. Bring the backpack with you if you know what’s good for you,” said the man.

“Alright, sounds good. And may I ask who I’m speaking to?” asked Kendall.

Mags, Pete, and Jesύs looked at each other with panic.

“The name is Luci,” said the man.

“You don’t sound like a Lucy,” said Kendall. But the man on the phone hung up.

“What did he say?” Jesύs asked in a panic.

“He wants me to meet him to give him the backpack. Or else!”

“Or else?”

“Or else!”

“Or else what?” asked Mags.

“I don’t know, he didn’t say. But he sounded serious,” said Kendall.

Pete closed his eyes and sighed. “We’re gonna die,” he said.

“We’re not gonna die,” said Mags, taking his hand. “But we might get arrested.”

“We’re not gonna die or get arrested guys,” said Jesύs. “We’ll just take the coke to them and get all of this over with. We’ll explain that it was all just a big misunderstanding.”

“Jesύs, this is a lot of cocaine,” said Pete. “They’re not just gonna let us go. People get shot for way less coke than this.”

“Okay...okay, okay…...okay…” Jesύs began pacing and running his hands through his hair. “Okay, I have an idea. We’ll get there an hour before the meeting and leave the backpack there-”

“That’s so dumb!” said Mags. “There’s probably gonna be people in that garage waiting for us to do something stupid. Like that!”

“Well, I don’t know!” Jesύs said, throwing his hands in the air. Like he just don't care. But he did care. Very much. He didn’t want to get shot. He didn’t want anyone to get shot! “I think if we go in there and just apologize for the misunderstanding, they’ll understand. There’s good in everyone, right?”

“Even gang members?” asked Pete.

“Even gang members!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next evening came around and the four teens gathered at God’s skyscraper, since Jesύs was staying there for the weekend and because it was close to the parking garage they were headed to.

“Alright, first of all, do we have the backpack?” asked Jesύs.

“Yeah, I got it right here,” said Kendall, turning to show the backpack on his back.

“Ok then, let’s go I guess,” said Jesύs.

The four teens grabbed their skateboards and rode off to the abandoned parking garage. It was nearing the time they were to meet Luci, and the air was thicccc with anticipation. When they arrived, it was already 11:45, and gang members were scattered throughout the place. All of them were dressed in all black and they all wore gold chain necklaces with an upside down cross. Jesύs looked down at his cross shaped birthmark on the inside of his right wrist and prayed there was no connection.

By the time they reached the meeting location, it was 11:52.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the teens were coming up the stairs of the parking garage, Lucifer was in her personal bathroom, getting ready. The song MmmBop was playing on the little stereo on the counter and Luci was singing along, using her hairdryer as a microphone. She applied her mascara and finished blow drying her hair out. She took one last look in the mirror. Her platinum blonde hair was in a slick bob and her dark makeup was on fleek. She pulled the black suit jacket from the door hook and twirled it around, letting it slide down her arms, pulling it onto her and fastening the button. The last thing she put on was her upside down cross necklace, which matched the other gang members but it was diamond encrusted. She was a classy bitch.

The song Get The Party Started, by P!nk, started playing on the stereo and she turned it all the way up, letting it blast through the parking garage. Lucifer looked at her Breguet Marie-Antoinette Grande Complication pocket watch showing that it was 11:47 exactly. Time to go.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get The Party Started began blasting through the parking garage as the four teens reached the top floor. Gang members lined the perimeter, all holding guns and wearing sunglasses. Fog rolled across the floor and the music got louder. Through the fog came three more gang members, one of which was holding the boombox from which the music was coming from. Behind them, a tall woman in black heels, sharp black suit, and slick platinum blonde hair strutted through. Her sunglasses were clearly Dolce and Gabbana, and her black leather gloves were Gucci.

The woman stopped about ten feet from the teens and pulled her gloves off, one finger at a time. Then she whipped off her sunglasses. Her eyes were blood red.

“Did you bring my stuff?” she asked.

“Yeah, we brought the backpack, just like Lucy said,” Kendall said.

“Slide it over then,” said the woman.

“You sound a lot different over the phone,” said Kendall.

“Just put the bag down!” said Jesύs.

“My name is Luci, but it wasn’t me you spoke to on the phone,” the woman said.

“We are all Lucifer,” said the gang member holding the boombox beside her.

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Kendall.

“I’m really sorry about all of this,” said Jesύs. “We didn’t mean to take this backpack. We just want to return it and go on our way.”

Jesύs took the backpack from Kendall and slid it across the floor to Lucifer. She stopped it with her red bottomed Christian Louboutin stilettos and lifted it up. Her brow furrowed as she shook the bag.

“What the hell?” she opened the bag and looked inside. It was empty!

“What the hell?” said Pete. “Kendall, where’s the coke?”

“They asked for the backpack!” said Kendall.

“With the coke inside!” said Mags.

Amidst the confusion and the raising of a hundred guns, another gang appeared from the fog. It was…………….Dumbledore! Jk they didn’t know who this guy was. He was wearing a suit that was almost as slick as Lucifer’s. There was one huge scar running diagonally across his entire face.

Lucifer turned around and said, “Gerald? How did you get in here?”

“You left the back entrance unguarded,” said Gerald.

“Well get out! I was just about to kill these kids!” said Lucifer.

“I don’t think anyone has to die over this,” said Jesύs, raising his hands and looking around at all the guns pointed at him.

“Shut up!” both gang leaders shouted simultaneously.

“I want my coke,” said Gerald. “Now where is it!”

“Your coke? You thought!” said Lucifer, crossing the floor and walking towards Gerald.

“It was my guys who brought the coke to Detroit!” Gerald said, heading towards Lucifer.

When the two were face to face, right next to the teens, Lucifer said, “Well it was my guys who got it over the border!”

Gerald looked down at the backpack Lucifer was holding.

“What’s that for?” he asked.

“It was for the coke, until these fucking kids stole it.”

“It’s all a big misunderstanding,” said Jesύs.

“Who are you?” Gerald snapped, getting in Jesύs’s face.

“We’re just a couple high school students. We didn’t mean to take anyone’s coke! My brother knows where it is. If you’ll let us go we can go get it and bring it back to you.”

“Do you really think I’m going to let you run off with my coke again?!” Lucifer yelled. She glanced sideways at Pete then grabbed him by the arm, swinging him around in front of her and planting her 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters to his temple.

“Pete!” said Mags.

“I’ll let you three go,” said Lucifer, walking backwards and dragging Pete with her. “But if you ever want to see your friend again, you’ll do the smart thing and bring me the coke.”

“I don’t think so!” said Gerald, grabbing Mags and placing his gun to her temple. “You two better bring the coke to me!”

“You don’t have to do this!” said Jesύs, looking back and forth between the two gang leaders. “We don’t want your coke, I swear!”

“Meet us here tomorrow, 11 am sharp,” said Luci. “That way all the cops will be in church and out of our hair. And you better bring the fucking coke. And the phone!”

Jesύs, seeing no other option, said, “Okay, okay, we’ll go. Please, just don’t hurt our friends!”

“As long as I get what I want you’ll get what you want,” said Gerald.

Kendall stepped forward and faced Lucifer. “Can I have my backpack back? We’re going to need something to carry all that coke in.”

Lucifer glared at him then held the backpack out. Slowly, he stepped forward to grab it, but at the last second, Kendall tried to knock Lucifer’s gun out of the way and grabbed Pete’s arm.

“Oh no you don’t,” Lucifer said. She turned the gun towards Kendall and shot!

But before the bullet could hit, Jesύs felt time slow down. He could see the bullet leaving the gun, the horrified look on Kendall’s face, and the determined look on Lucifer’s. He couldn’t let this happen. Not to his brother.

Time sped up as Jesύs pushed Kendall out of the way, feeling the bullet strike right below his ribcage. Jesύs fell to the ground, bleeding.

Kendall swooped in and cradled his brother. “What was that for?”

“Take that as a warning!” said Lucifer. “Now get out of here, and don’t come back without my coke! And don’t you dare call the cops! I see one cop and your friend is dead!” She threw the backpack down at her feet.

Kendall picked Jesύs up and laid him across two of the skateboards. He put the backpack on then began to pull Jesύs out of the parking garage.

“Don’t worry!” said Kendall to Pete and Mags, pulling his unconscious brother. “We’ll be back!”

Jesύs’s dad’s apartment building was luckily really close to the parking garage. Kendall pulled Jesύs all the way to God’s apartment building and up the stairs to the penthouse, since the elevators were out. When they got to the top, God opened the door.

“What have we here?” God said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like Morgan Freeman. The lighting streaming into the hall from the apartment made God’s face hard to see, as if the camera was blowing out the shot.

“Jesύs got shot!” said Kendall.

“Bring him in,” said God, helping Kendall get Jesύs onto a white couch. The camera focused all of a sudden and God was revealed to also look suspiciously like Morgan Freeman. Jesύs was bleeding all over the white couch, staining it red. God placed a hand on His son’s shoulder and suddenly, all the blood which was spreading across the white couch began slowly moving back into the wound.

Jesύs’s eyes snapped open and his hand went immediately to the gunshot wound. But he soon discovered, it was gone. He sat up and lifted his shirt, only to find smooth, unwounded skin and no blood.

“What?” said Kendall, surprised.

“What’s going on?” said Jesύs, looking a Kendall. “How did I get here?”

“I pulled you on the skateboards,” said Kendall. “You know, after you got shot.”

“Are you alright son?” God asked.

“Dad! What happened to me?” asked Jesύs. “I definitely got shot.”

“Son, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said God. “I am God.”

“But, Mr. God……. isn’t that like, your name?” said Kendall.

“Yes, but I am so much more. I created you,” said God.

“Not me! My dad is Joseph, ya know, the guy who married your ex-wife?” said Kendall.

“No, not like that. I created everything,” said God. “You know how there are religions? And sometimes there’s a person in those religions who created everything and people worship? That’s me. And no, I don’t just have a big ego, I really am the one who created everything. Come, follow me.”

God led the boys through His penthouse to a pure white door at the end of a hallway. God opened the door to reveal a neverending void of stars and galaxies and other various things. Light swirled around inside. Jesύs tried to see the walls, but it looked like there wasn’t any.

“This is the entire universe,” said God.

“But how are we out here…” Kendall began, but God shushed him.

“Don’t think about it too much,” said God, closing the door. “Now son, as the Son of God, you bear a great responsibility to this universe.”

“Are there other universes?” Jesύs asked.

“I’ll explain later, once your friends are safe,” said God. “Jesύs, you were put on this earth to die for humanity.”

“That’s stupid!” Kendall exclaimed.

“Kendall, can you please give me a moment with my son?” said God. Kendall rolled his eyes and sulked away, pulling his phone out to play Hogwarts Mystery. God turned back to Jesύs. “Son, you will die for humanities sins. Everyone on this earth is born with original sin. By sacrificing yourself, everyone will be given the opportunity to enter my domain- Heaven.”

God raised His hand, gesturing to where heaven would be: up.

“But why?” Jesύs asked. “Why do I have to do that?”

“You, like me, are powerful. More powerful than most people could imagine. You can walk on water and heal people and even bring the occasional person back from the dead! Being the Son of God is a gift.”

“But why didn’t you tell me until now?”

“This is a great burden for someone so young to carry. I wanted you to grow up normal, to be a kid. But it seems the time has come for you to grow to your full potential with your powers. You have friends to rescue, after all.”

“How did you know that?!”

“I’m God, aren’t I?” God chuckled. “There’s one more thing you should know before you go. Soon, there will come a time when even your Godly powers won’t be enough to save you. You will be have to then choose someone to assist you in spreading the Word of God.”

“Who? When?”

“You will know when you know. Now go!”

Jesύs nodded and ran down the hall back to the living room, where he found Kendall sitting on the same white couch Jesύs had laid unconscious on only minutes before.

“How’s your dad?” Kendall asked, looking up from his phone and his Hogwarts Mystery game.

“He’s good. Kendall, we need to go. We have friends to rescue.”

To the song Love is a Battlefield, Jesύs and Kendall rode home on their skateboards and began preparing for the next day. They knew this wouldn’t be easy. Rescuing two friends from opposing gangs, sneaking out of the house with a ton of cocaine, Jesύs and Kendall had a full day ahead of them! But first, it was bedtime.

Except Jesύs couldn’t sleep at all. He kept tossing and turning, thinking about Pete and Mags. He looked at his bedside clock. It read 9:36. It was going to be a long night.

Jesύs ended up not sleeping at all. At 9 in the morning, he threw his covers off and went to Kendall’s room. Jesύs could hear his brother snoring through the door. He knocked and said, “Kendall, wake up.”

“Huh… JC that you?” Kendall slurred.

“Yes. Let’s get the coke and head out,” said Jesύs. “I can’t wait any longer.”

“Kay, lemme get dressed,” said Kendall. Jesύs waited outside Kendall’s room until he came out, dressed, arms full of cocaine.

“Where’s the phone?” asked Jesύs.

“It’s on my desk but you’re gonna have to grab it,” said Kendall. “My hands are full!”

“Where’s the backpack?”

“Oh. Right. Let me grab that.”

Jesύs grabbed the burner phone off the desk as Kendall loaded up the backpack with cocaine. When the teens got downstairs, they saw María in the kitchen. The smell of coffee wafted straight up their noses.

“Aw heck! Mom’s in there,” said Jesύs. “Okay, I’ll go distract her while you sneak out the front door.”

“Wait what about breakfast?” asked Kendall. “It’s the most important meal of the day!”

“I’ll grab you some toast while distracting mom,” said Jesύs.

“Aw thanks bro!” said Kendall.

“What are you boys whispering about?” asked María. “Is there any hot gossip I should know about?”

“Oh hey mom!” Jesύs startled and moved in front of Kendall. María was coming out of the kitchen and Jesύs ran to the kitchen and hugged her, turning her around to face the other way just in time. “No gossip.”

“Darn, I was hoping to hear that you finally started dating Pete and Mary,” said María.

“What? Mom, the three of us are just friends,” Jesύs said as he put a piece of bread in the toaster. Over María’s shoulder, he saw Kendall sneak out the front door.

“Whatever you say,” she said as she sipped her coffee.

“Anyway, we’re gonna head out,” said Jesύs, buttering the toast and moving out of the kitchen.

“Where are you guys going?” asked María.

Jesύs felt his blood run cold. He couldn’t lie to his mom. He hated lying. He found it… displeasing.

“We’re… going to go grab Pete and Mags,” said Jesύs.

“What are you guys up to?” she asked.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh oh ya know… we’re just uhhhh skateboarding and stuff. And getting Pete and Mags. Yeah,” said Jesύs, sweating profusely.

“Okay, well be home before dinner,” said María. “And let me know if Pete and Mary are coming over so I can make enough food.”

“Okay mom bye,” said Jesύs, already closing the door behind him.

Kendall was waiting for him outside with the four skateboards and the coke-filled backpack.

“We’re bringing their skateboards?” asked Jesύs. “Won’t those get in the way?”

“Well, I was thinking we could tie them to our feet like rollerblades,” said Kendall. He pulled some rope out of his backpack and bent down, tying his feet to two skateboards. He was struggling though, because the skateboards were slipping and sliding while he was trying to tie the rope.

“I don’t think that’s necessary,” said Jesύs. “Maybe we can just carry them. We should probably get going though.”

“You’re right, this is so hard,” said Kendall, out of breath and struggling to unwrap his feet from the skateboards. Jesύs knelt down and untied the rope, Kendall stuffing it back into his backpack. Then the two of them were off, skating down the street into the city.

Devin cracked his eyes open and was welcomed with a splitting headache. When his vision finally cleared up, he saw sunlight streaming in through a big window, illuminating two people spooning each other on the couch in the middle of the room. Slowly, he turned his head and saw Emma sitting next to him, still unconscious. Both he and Emma were handcuffed to the radiator. There was a guard sitting in an armchair near the door, cradling his gun. Devin noticed the guard was wearing the upside down cross necklace of the Hellhounds. He silently swore under his breath. This was worse than he thought.

With a glance around the room, the only ways out that Devin could see was the door at the back of the room and the window. The room had dark wood panelled walls and thick red carpet. An unlit fireplace was on the wall across from the couch and on the floor in front of it was an enormous bearskin rug. Devin knew Lucifer had once killed a bear with her own two hands while in Russia then handcrafted in into a monsterous rug. This must be that bear. Bookshelves and expensive looking paintings lined the walls.

Leeeeeet’s get it started in here…….

The first notes of Let’s Get it Started by the Black Eyed Peas began playing. Devin looked around, confused.

And the bass keep Runnin’ runnin, and runnin runnin, and runnin runnin…

The door opened and Lucifer came into the room in slow motion. Her white suit was impeccable as always and her platinum blonde hair whipped around her face in a slow motion arch. Behind her, Gerald came in, his black suit not as fantastic as Lucifer’s. Devin pretended to still be unconscious. Through his slightly cracked open eyelids, Devin saw Lucifer look at the sleeping guard, scowl, then pull out her gun. Without hesitating, she shot him in the leg and he fell to the ground, screaming. The two people spooning on the couch sat up, startled.

In this context, there's no disrespect, so When I bust my rhyme, you break your necks We got five minutes for us to disconnect From all intellect collect the rhythm effect...

“What did I tell you about sleeping on the job, Carl?” Lucifer said.

Carl didn’t respond. He sat on the ground, holding his leg.

She looked at the people on the couch. “Ah, you’re awake.”

They said nothing, just stared at her wide eyed.

“Get up. It’s time to go meet your friends.”

The two teens stood up, holding hands. Gerald grabbed the girl by the arm and ripped her from the boy. Luci grabbed the boy.

“What about them?” asked Gerald, nodding his head towards Devin and Emma.

“Leave them. We’ll deal with them later,” said Lucifer.

“And Carl?”

“What about him? It’s not like he’s going anywhere.”

Obstacles are inefficient, follow your intuition Free your inner soul and break away from tradition Coz when we beat out, girl it's pullin' without You wouldn't believe how we wow shit out Burn it till it's burned out Turn it till it's turned out Act up from north, west, east, south...

Lucifer and Gerald hauled the teens out of the room, the door banging closed behind them. Devin waited a moment to make sure they weren’t coming back, then turned to his girlfriend.

“Emma? Emma wake up,” Devin said, lightly shaking her shoulder with his free hand. No response.

“She won’t wake up,” said Carl. He wasn’t screaming anymore, just laying on the ground holding his leg. “She got hit pretty hard.”

Devin looked up at Carl. “Help me get out of here.”

Mags was getting pretty sick of having a gun pointed at her head.

Gerald’s grip on her arm was annoying. She knew that she could easily get away from Gerald and take him down, but she didn’t know if Pete would be able to do the same with Lucifer, and she didn’t want him getting hurt because of her. She had grown up taking self-defense classes. As a young girl in Detroit with a paranoid police officer mother, one could never be too careful. Over the years, Mags had become an expert in most forms of martial arts.

Just by looking at Gerald, Mags could tell he would stand no chance against her. He was taller than Mags, but not by much. He looked physically strong, but even so, Mags knew how to use someone else’s weight against them, no problem. He was probably in his late 30s, early 40s. He had straight, black hair and a sweaty mustache. His scar was glistening with sweat. It ran across his entire face, jagged and a shade lighter than his light brown skin.

Luci and Gerald led them to the garage. Luci shoved Pete into the backseat of the fanciest car Mags had ever seen. It wasn’t just a Lambo, it was an iridescent Lambo with gold piping and blue ground lights. The license plate read EVL 666. The doors opened upward, and one of Luci’s guys got in the back with Pete. Mags watched helplessly as they shoved a black bag over his head.

Gerald’s car was fancy, but not as much. It was a black luxury Cadillac with silver trim and suicide doors. A second black bag was shoved onto Mags’s head after she was pushed into the backseat. The engine started running and Let’s Get it Started was still playing.

Everybody, everybody, let's get into it Get stupid Get it started, get it started, get it started Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here Let's get it started (ha), let's get it started in here Yeah

Mags could only hope that Jesύs and Kendall had a plan.

Kendall and Jesύs skateboarded through Wayne State’s campus, dodging groggy students walking to their early morning classes. Kendall couldn’t really remember how to get to the parking garage, but Jesύs seemed to know what he was doing. Jesύs seemed odd today. Kendall wouldn’t describe him as mad, Jesύs never got mad. He just seemed annoyed. Kendall hoped he wasn’t annoyed with him.

They rounded a corner on Cass and found themselves skateboarding through a terrible looking neighborhood. Kendall spotted the parking garage through the trees. He saw a plastic bag caught in one of the trees alongside the street and he stared at it for a second too long, and he nearly fell off his skateboard.

“Careful!” said Jesύs. “We’re almost there.”

“Yeah I know,” Kendall responded. “Hey, what’s the plan here?”

“Well, we’re going to go in, give them the cocaine, get Mags and Pete, then go home and finish watching Sing.”

“Okay, that’s a good plan and all but…”

“But?”

“But that’s the best case scenario. We are working with gangs here. What if something goes wrong?”

“Okay, what do you suggest then?”

“We should split up, in case something goes wrong. You go in with the cocaine, and I’ll wait outside as backup. I’ll call you and you can put your phone on speaker and I’ll put mine on mute so I can hear what’s up inside but they won’t hear me if I sneeze or something.”

“That’s actually a really good idea. What if you get caught?”

“Well, I didn’t start taking all those self-defense classes with Mags for nothing. I can hold my own. But what if the two gangs can’t agree to share the cocaine? What will you do if they both demand you give them all of it?”

“I’d consider myself pretty diplomatic. I bet we can work something out.”

“I sure hope so.”

“Why would I help you?” said Carl, holding his gunshot wound and holding back tears.

“Well, you’re going to bleed out if no one helps you out. And there isn’t anyone else here to help you out.”

“You have a point,” Carl said, his face beginning to turn a sickly shade of white. “But I can’t. Luci will shoot me if I help you.”

Carl looked down at himself, as if just remembering that she already shot him. A look of resignation crossed his face. He reached into his back pocket and tossed a ring of keys to Devin, who caught them in his free hand.

“It’s the one that’s painted green,” said Carl.

Devin hurried to unlock his own handcuffs and then went to free Emma. As he was taking the handcuffs off of her, her eyes fluttered open.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Where are we?”

“We’re at Luci’s house,” said Devin. “We need to get out.”

“You shouldn’t have tried to bring the coke to our apartment,” said Emma. “Haven’t you figured these people out by now?”

“I’ve only been working with them for a month- I didn’t know this would happen,” Devin said, running his hands over his head and face. “But Lucifer is crazy, so we need to get out of here as soon as possible.”

“Ya think?” Emma said, hands on her hips.

“I’m sorry Emma,” Devin said. “I’m really, really sorry. I didn’t ever want you getting mixed up in this. When we get out of this place, we’re running away, somewhere far from these gangs.”

Devin looked at Carl, who looked like he was about to pass out. Devin stood up, grabbed a blanket off the couch, and threw it at Carl.

“Use this to mop up the blood.” Devin reached down and grabbed Carl’s pistol, shoving it into the waistband of his pants. He turned to Emma, offering her his hand. “Let’s get out of here.”

She took it and stood up. The couple ran out of the room, leaving behind an unconscious Carl.

“Where are we going?” Emma asked.

“I’m not sure. Out and away, hopefully.”

They turned a corner and saw a member of the Hellhounds walking away from them. Devin and Emma quietly followed him. They watched as he reached the end of the hall and stopped, facing a floor to ceiling painting of a man in a suit and top hat with his back turned to the viewer in a large gold frame. The man slapped the painting’s ass and the painting swung out like a door, revealing a dark stairwell. He walked down the stairs and the painting swung shut behind him.

“Let’s wait a minute then follow,” Devin whispered. “I bet that leads out.”

“Or it leads into Luci’s secret lair,” Emma retorted.

“Nah, it’s Gucci.”

After a short wait, Devin slapped the ass. Emma followed him down the dark staircase.

At the bottom they discovered that they were in a dimly lit, concrete tunnel. They followed the tunnel for a while until they came to a door. The door opened to reveal the lower level of a parking garage. The door was labeled with “Maintenance, Authorized Personnel Only”. The Hellhound was nowhere to be seen.

Devin and Emma began to walk up the drive until they reached ground level. As they started to walk towards the exit, Devin noticed two kids riding in on skateboards. One of them looked oddly familiar to Devin.

“I played beer pong with that kid,” Devin said to Emma.

“What?” she asked.

“Yeah, at that party where my backpack got switched.”

Devin started to walk towards the two kids.

“Hey! Beer pong guy!” said the kid Devin knew. “You were really good at that game!”

“You’re good at beer pong?” asked Emma, a smile on her face.

“You know him?” said the kid Devin didn’t know.

“Hey, man this is my brother, Jesύs,” said the beer pong kid. “And I’m Kendall.”

“I’m Devin, this is Emma. What are you doing here?”

“We have to return some coke I accidentally stole,” said Kendall. “What about you?”

“Holy shit,” said Devin. “Do you know what kind of trouble you’ve caused?”

“Yeah, two of my friends are kidnapped right now,” said Kendall.

“Because you have the coke?” Devin asked.

“Yeah,” said Jesύs. “We just want them back. Honest, we never wanted the coke. Are you with Luci’s gang or Gerald’s gang?”

“Neither. I’m with Lady Carlisle. And Gerald works for Luci.”

“What?” Jesύs exclaimed.

“It’s all one big gang. The Hellhounds. They sometimes pretend to be seperate to mess with people and make more money. It works pretty well.”

“Yeah, they sure got us,” said Kendall.

“Well, we should probably get going,” said Jesύs. “It was nice meeting you guys.”

“Do you guys want backup?” asked Emma, causing Devin to look at her in surprise.

“Oh heck! That’d be Gucci!” said Kendall. “Okay, so here’s the plan.”

After hiding the skateboards, Jesύs and Kendall began their journey into the parking garage. They walked up all the driving ramps until they heard the song Cliffs of Dover by Eric Johnson. It was getting louder as they went, which let them know they were getting closer. They walked until they got to a middle level of the parking garage. This level was filled with men in suits, obviously Luci’s men. And there was Luci, standing at the other side of the garage, on her legs. She was holding onto Pete, her 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters to his head. Beside her stood Gerald, holding on to Mags, who didn’t look worried at all.

But Jesύs was worried very much. Because everyone in the room besides him and his friends had guns and they all looked like they were ready to start shootin any minute. Jesύs took the backpack off and laid it on the ground.

“Okay, we have your stuff. Can we please have our friends back?” asked Jesύs.

“Open the backpack,” said Luci.

Kendall unzipped the backpack and dumped the cocaine all over the ground. Luci gestured to one of her men and he stepped forward and collected the cocaine.

“It’s all here,” he said.

“Now, can you please let go of our friends?” Jesύs asked.

“Not yet,” said Luci.

“What? Why not?”

“Now that you have proven to be efficient drug mules, given the proper motivation, of course, I have another job for you two.”

“No way!” said Kendall! “You have your coke now give us our friends! That was the deal!”

“That was the deal,” said Luci sassily. “But, seeing as I have the upper hand, I think I’m going to change the deal. You all know where the Walmart is? Behind the store, I have a few guys who will meet you at 1:30. Get the package and bring it back here to me. Then we’ll discuss your friends’ freedom.”

“Krust you!” Kendall yelled. “We would never work for you!”

“You must not care too much for your friends then…” Luci said while cocking her gun.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Jesύs held out his hands. “Luci, please! We’re just a couple of high school kids! We don’t know anything about… drugging.”

“How cuuuuute,” said Luci. “Then why don’t I teach you a thing or two.”

Luci moved her 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters from its place at Pete’s temple and pointed it at Jesύs. However, before she got the chance to pull the trigger, a gunshot rang out from the rafters, a bullet hitting Luci in the shoulder. She gasped and let go of Pete, who ran over to Jesύs and Kendall. Jesús caught him in a hug. It was……….Dumbledore!! JK it was Devin! And he leapt out of the rafters and landed dramatically in a superhero landing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You double crossing son of a bitch!” Luci screamed. She pointed her 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters at Jesύs and pulled the trigger. The song Mmm Whatcha Say started playing. The gunshot was loud and also in slow motion. Jesύs could do nothing but stand frozen in shock.

Kendall however, lept into action. He saw the bullet moving towards his brother in slow motion. Time sped up again as Kendall jumped in front of the bullet. “He felt it rip through his flesh, hitting somewhere just below his heart. He collapsed onto the floor, pain tearing through his body” (Headley, 2015). He heard many things at once: the commotion of everyone in the garage leaping into action, gunshots all around him, and Jesύs screaming. But then he stopped hearing and the pain went away.

Luci held her injured shoulder. The kickback from her shot brought her to her knees. She watched as that one kid, Kendall fell down, the bullet hitting him in the ribs. He lay there for a moment, making Luci think she got him for good. Jesύs knelt over him, willing his godly powers to do something to save his brother. Boom Boom Pow by the Black Eyed Peas started playing. Then, Kendall did something that made everyone in the garage stop and stare. He stood up, white light spilling out of his bullet hole. The bullet hole closed up before everyone’s eyes. Kendall reached up to the top of his head and grabbed a zipper that no one had seen until now. He began to unzip himself down the front, revealing another person underneath. He unzipped himself down to his feet, revealing a glowing humanoid form who rose into the air. The glowing form spun around, flower pedals and sparkles creating a fluttering vortex around him. A swarm of ethereal butterflies made of white light burst forth from the glowing body, creating a cloud around him. The cloud of light butterflies became thicker until Luci could no longer see the glowing body. Then the cloud of writhing light burst out into a magnificent firework. The form landed on the ground in a dramatic superhero landing, no longer glowing. And since he was no longer glowing, everyone could see that it was no longer Kendall. It was……………..Pope Francis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luci gasped. This was the last person she was expecting to show up, much less to appear out of some gangly ass teenager!

“What the fucking krust?” Luci said. “Francis what are you doing here? And how did you get inside that gangly ass teenager?”

“The Power of God, my child,” said the Pope.

“Don’t call me your child you dingy washed up old Bible fucker! Get the hell out of my garage!”

Luci raised her 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters at the Pope. She started to shoot at him, but the bullets just ricocheted off of him. He walked towards Luci, who was still kneeling on the ground. He placed his hands above her head.

“Be still my child,” said Pope Francis.

“Is he blessing her?” Pete whispered to Jesύs.

Nope. He sure wasn’t. Quick and without remorse, the Pope grabbed Luci’s head and turned it to the side, snapping her neck. She fell to the ground in a heap, the 42 karat gold custom desert eagle pistol with the shell grip engraved with religious characters falling from her hand.

“Oh hell yeah!” Mags yelled. She took that as the cue that the battle had began. She jumped up into the air, still in Gerald’s grasp, and flipped backward over his shoulder, making Gerald fall backward and slam into the concrete. A gang member began to shoot at her, but couldn’t hit. Mags was too good. She ran at him and quickly disarmed him, knocking him out with a swift kick to the jaw.

Once that gang member had shot, everyone else took it as their cue to do the same.

“This is much too violent for my liking,” said Pope Francis, raising his arms. He snapped his fingers and everyone’s guns turned into wooden crosses.

All the gang members stopped in confusion, except Gerald.

“You think this is gonna stop me?!” he shouted, flipping the cross around in his hand and brandishing it like a sword. “Bring it on old man!”

Pope Francis summoned a beam of white light in the shape of a sword into his hand as Gerald ran at him, screaming. Cross clashed with light. Pope Francis swung the light sword at Gerald, who jumped backwards. The Pope took a step forward, swinging at Gerald again. This time, Gerald blocked the blow with his cross, then raised the cross, and swung at the Pope’s head. Pope Francis ducked, causing Gerald to knock the Pope’s stupid Pope Hat off his head.

Emma had come down out of the rafters, cross in hand. Her and Devin were surrounded by several Hellhounds. They were doing their best, but, seeing as they were severely outnumbered, they weren't looking too hot.

“Mags, on the other hand, was doing just fine, even when horribly outnumbered. She fought with a fierce looking Hellhound. And his butt cheeks were taped together! But Mags can do Jiu Jitsu! She body slammed the Hellhound! Legendary fight with a random Hellhound! Normal Tuesday afternoon for the Hellhound! Mags tries to swing an axe at the Hellhound, but blood is draining fast from her stump leg! He’s dodging every swipe, he parries to the left, Mags catches him in the neck, she’s chopping off his head now! Mags just decapitated the Hellhound.

Mags walked away from the bloody scene, a shell of a man. Her head hung low, she knew that she will be sent to detention for this.

But wait! He isn’t dead! Hellhound surprise! There’s a cross in his hand and death in his eyes!” (Father, 2015).

Pope Francis saw Mags fighting the Hellhound and decided to help. He approached and held up his hands. The Hellhound stopped fighting and looked at him, his eyes glazed over. Pope Francis put his hands on the Hellhound’s face and the life left his eyes. The Pope dropped the lifeless dog like he was tossing aside a lifeless dog.

“Thanks Pope,” said Mags, giving him a high five.

All of the Hellhounds died. Now that the battle was won, Pope Francis floated into the air. He was engulfed with white light and then he was Kendall again! Kendall slowly dropped from the air and laid on the ground, asleep.

Jesús ran over to him and shook his shoulder. There was no sign of the bullet wound. Kendall’s eyes fluttered open.

“Dude, what the krust?” he mumbled.

“Kendall! Do you remember anything?” asked Jesús.

“No...but I had a dream that I was in Italy and I was in this really fancy museum with all these paintings of this guy who kinda looked like you…” he said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

“Dude that’s wild,” said Pete. “You like, totally transformed into Pope Francis and killed everyone in here.”

“You saved us,” said Mags, who knelt down beside him.

“Whoa...That’s crazy,” said Kendall. “Well, what do we do about all these bodies? Should we call the cops?”

“Yeah, we should probably call the cops,” said Jesús.

“I don’t wanna be here when the cops show up,” said Devin. “So we’re gonna split. We’ll keep in touch though.”

“Yeah, hey! Jesús and I have a swim meet tomorrow at the high school,” said Pete. “You guys should come cheer us on!”

“Maybe we will,” said Emma. “Well, I gotta get out of this stupid dress. We’ll catch you guys on the flippity flop.”

“Yeah! It was good to see you guys!” said Kendall. “Catch you later!”

Emma and Devin left while Jesús called the police. The bodies were all taken care of and next thing they knew, it was time for the swim meet!

I Got A Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas started playing as people poured into the school for the swim meet. The smell of chlorine hit their noses as they entered. Parents and friends took seats in the bleachers. Down below, the swim teams from the two schools stood on opposite sides of the pool. Jesús put his swim cap on. Beside him, Pete looked at him with victory in his eyes. He put on his goggles.

Up in the bleachers, Mags, María and Kendall held up a banner with Jesús and Pete’s names on it written in glitter. Two people sat down beside Mags. She looked over at them. It was…………………………..Emma and Devin! They had foam fingers! And buckets of popcorn!

Coach Moses came out of the wings holding a mic.

“Hellooooo Detroit!” he said. The crowd cheered. “Are you guys ready for this swim meet?” The crowd yelled, but it wasn’t loud enough. “I said...ARE YOU GUYS READY???”

The crowd went wild as the beat dropped.

The swimmers climbed onto their blocks and Coach Moses shot the gun into the air, signalling the start of the relay. The swimmers dove into the water and began swimming fast. They were good. Jesús stepped up to the block, ready to dive in next. His relay partner, Luke, hit the wall and Jesús dove.

But instead of breaking the surface of the water, Jesús nearly broke his nose as he hit the water but didn’t go through. The crowd went silent. Pete stared in shock from the diving boards. Jesús stood up on top of the water, still getting over his shock.

“Run!” Pete yelled. “Just run!”

And boy did he run! He ran to the end of the pool and back, touching the wall before all the other swimmers. The crowd was going absolutely nuts. It was record breaking!

Well, anyway, Jesús won that swim meet for his school that day.

Jesús, Kendall, Mags, and Pete climbed into the back of God’s minivan.

“Good job tonight!” God said to Jesús and Pete.

“Thanks dad!” Jesús said.

“Before I take you kids home, I have a mission for you. Now that you’ve proven yourselves against the Hellhounds, it’s time I reveal your true quest,” God explained. “You four must unite all the religions.”

“That’s seems like a lot of work,” said Kendall, from the passenger seat.

“It will be. But it is your duty,” said God. “Now...I must drop you off at your first destination.”

“But we have school tomorrow!” said Jesús.

“School will be there when you get back,” said God. He turned around to face Jesús, who was sitting in the middle in the back seat. He handed a stupid chunky watch to Jesús, who took it and looked it over. The watch was fastened with velcro and the bulk of it was plastic, with a part that flipped open to reveal a number pad. “This device will help you travel on your quest. Just type in some numbers and it’ll take you to the next universe.”

“Wicked!” said Kendall.

“Wow, that’s ugly,” said Mags.

“Oh I didn’t realize you were a fashion expert,” said God. “Anyway, go my son. Good luck my dudes. Mespeed.”

Jesús opened the keypad and typed in some numbers. With each number he typed, a garbled electronic voice said the number. When he pressed the right combination of numbers, the lights flashed on the side of the watch.

“Let’s rock it!” Jesús said. A flash of light and they were gone!