#this is also why i have not gone back to grad school yet lmao like i just do not trust myself not to deviate from the set topic

[botanyshitposts]

Eta on the YouTube video? No rush, just exchange

im gonna be honest man please do not count on me here lmao. my follow through rate for these projects is like 5%. real ones remember gourdquest and other related failed projects i came close to the sun on. if i succeed it will be huge for me on a genuine personal level and it will be the first time i've finished a creative project at all in years but if i do not. neither you nor me should be surprised

[thinking-in-symbols]

Quinquennial Life Assessment

So, it’s been a few years.  When I was 19 I posted a sort of “roadmap” for the evolution of my life on this blog.  Today I thought I’d revisit that.  I want to take a look back and see what progress I’ve made, and then in a separate post I want to turn to the future, think about how my vision for it has changed, and consider how I can reincorporate these goals into that vision.

This is the list of things I wanted to get done in varying time frames.  I’ve crossed off the things I’ve done to get a sense of my progress:

1 year:

At 19, my hopes were to accomplish the following things by age 20:

- Joined, and consistently participated in, at least 2 campus organizations that suit my interests, at least 1 of which should be competitive in nature - well, I joined the ISO and KVRX, my college radio station!  Neither of those were competitive, but in retrospect I don’t really care about that :-)

- Made concrete plans to study abroad - Nope, unfortunately I never did this.  I’m not quite sure I regret that, all things considered - I traded that experience for other things.  I did make plans to spend a few months abroad of my own accord, and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling global pandemic.  But as it stands I haven’t done this.

- Learned C++ and python to proficiency - Hm.  “Proficient” is a relative term.  But I think I have a tendency to downplay my skills, so in the interest of counteracting that I’m going to count myself as “proficient” in these languages.  I think that’s fair.

- Gone on at least a several day road trip with at least 1 friend - I’ve gone on several trips with @meeshbug​, my very lovely girlfriend and best friend in the world :-)

- Decided on a concentration beyond the extremely vague umbrella of “computer science” - Unfortunately as far as my education is concerned I never really did this.  If anything my interests have *broadened* rather than becoming more focused.  More on this later...

- Made meaningful, ongoing contributions to an open-source project - You know what?  I’ve published the source of everything I’ve ever made, and I’ve gotten to the point where I can make stuff that’s not trivial.  So I’m giving myself credit for this one.

- Learned to cook enough meals to eat in most days and not get sick of my own food - I wish.  I’ve learned to cook a fair amount of stuff but I still get way too depressed and lethargic to apply that consistently.  Whether I consider myself to have achieved this honestly depends on the month.

- Learned to keep my living area clean - I’m much better at this than I was at 19, but at 19 I could barely clear a path to walk across my room.  So there’s more work to do.  More on these last two later.

- Gotten a pet - Meesh and I have a dog named Courage (after the dog of cowardly fame) and a cat named Jax!

2 years:

- Independently written a piece of software to completion and deployed it publicly - I’ve always pretty bad at actually seeing projects through to completion, but I do have a few full, independent projects under my belt at this point.  I’ve built a simple game engine, a pathtracer, plugins for games I like, and some other stuff.

- purchased and begun regularly using some basic amateur radio equipment - Ah man.  I got my license but I still haven’t gotten any equipment.  I guess I have to get on that...

- purchased and begun experimenting with some basic music recording equipment - This one I’ve done, but I haven’t done as much experimenting as I’d like.

- hosted a party - I did this for my 21st birthday and it’s one of my favorite memories!  Honestly this was probably the last time I had all my really close friends in one place.  I’m actually getting kind of emotional about that.

- done some kind of hallucinogen - I have now done this.  I definitely did get something out of it, albeit not what I expected.  This is something I actually only did pretty recently and it’s still having a pretty profound effect.  Maybe I’ll write a separate post about this.

- Gone camping with friends - Despite my best efforts, this hasn’t happened yet.  Pretty fucked up.

3 years:

- learned to play another instrument besides the piano (guitar?) - I don’t feel comfortable crossing this one off quite yet, but I went ahead and bought myself some guitar equipment and have been messing around with it lately :-) I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and pay for lessons if I’m serious about this, which I am.

- Written and recorded a song - Damn, I can’t believe it’s been 5 years and I haven’t even done this.

- Met a group of people I can play music with - nope

- Owned a leather jacket.  I can’t believe I’ve still never even owned a leather jacket - I’ve done this and wore it frankly too much.  Kinda cringe.

- Worked as a professional software developer - Yep!  Worked as a software developer for a retail company for a couple years.  I’m actually not working as a software developer right now, though; I’m working in a sort of adjacent position.  More on this later.

- Participated in research related to my field - That’s pretty ambitious.  Not sure I’ll ever do this, unfortunately.  But we’ll see.

- Been to a film festival - Oh shit, I totally forgot about having written this.  That’s a cool idea.  I should do this, it’s not like it’s hard (well, at least in principle.  I guess covid kind of changes the situation).

- Gotten a dog - Courage is one of those, I think, although he might also be part rat.

- collected 50 records - Lol, my dumb ass really thought I was going to buy $1,000 worth of records on college money.  No, I haven’t done this, but I’m on my way there.

- Purchased a desktop computer - Well, my dad gave me his old desktop.  That’s not really a purchase but I think it counts.

5 years:

- Begun accepting freelance development gigs - haven’t gotten here yet and I’m not totally sure this is a direction I want to go in my career.  Freelancing has its own stressors as I’ve come to learn from others.  No career path is sunshine and roses and I’m trying to internalize this fact.

- Participated in a student film - Nope.  I don’t even know why I wrote this down to be honest.

- Gotten laid by solving a 5x5 Rubik’s Cube in front of a girl because surely that’s gonna have to work on someone eventually, otherwise I wasted a lot of time - These are getting weird.  Surely I didn’t really expect this to happen, right?  Well, either way I now have a long-term girlfriend, so I don’t - wait, Meesh has seen me solve a Rubik’s cube and she saw it before we started dating.  So actually I’m going to give myself credit for it.  I’m the one who makes the rules here.

- Fleshed out my political opinions - Yes, I now know everything about politics and can answer 100% of questions on political issues.  Just kidding.  But I know where I stand.

- Participated in a protest or some other kind of political event - Done!  Went to a few protests as part of the ISO, participated in lots of their events, and attended some protests with friends as well.

- Studied abroad - Nope :-/

- Learned a language other than Spanish - I took a semester of French!  But I don’t quite want to give myself credit for this one because I really would like to learn a different language to something resembling fluency.

- Run a marathon - Lmao.  I am in much worse shape now than I was when I wrote this post, and even at that time I could probably do like 7 miles if I really pushed myself.  How sad.

- Gone hiking outside of texas - This is weird because I’d literally already done this when I wrote this post.  But I’ve done it more since then, so hey!

- Been out of the country with a friend - This I had also already done.  I guess the point is to have done it without “adult supervision” or whatever.  I haven’t done this since writing this list so I guess I have to leave it uncrossed.

10 years:

- Lived with a girl for an extended period of time - Meesh 🥰

- Spent at least 6 months living on the road in an RV, preferably with a dog and a girl - God, I am so close to being able to do this.  I don’t want it to be an RV anymore - those things are expensive.  But a van?  Still pricey, but doable, especially if I’m willing to sacrifice some comfort.  This has actually been front-of-mind for a while.  I’ll let you know when I get the balls to pull the trigger.

- Started making Real Money - Well, yep, I have gotten to that point.  I do have other thoughts on this, though.  Money is weird, man.

- Lived in a long-term living space outside of Texas (i.e. not including RV time) - How long is long-term?  Three months?  If so, I’ve done this by living in Boston with Meesh for a few months after she went there for law school.  However, I anticipate staying there much longer in the near future, so I’ll wait on this crossing this one off.

- Written a book about something, idk - Not yet.  I’m halfway to the deadline on this one and I have some ideas, but ideas aren’t worth all that much, especially to me, who rarely sees them through.  We’ll see where this goes.  It’s not exactly a priority and historically I struggle to get even my priorities done.  It might make more sense to replace this with recording a concept or narrative album, for which I also have ideas that I happen to take more seriously.

- Learned to solve a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Gotten laid by solving a 6x6 Rubik’s Cube - nope

- Lived in an apartment where I pay all the rent - Yes!  :-))) We love independence

- Earned an advanced degree (this one’s iffy) - This hasn’t happened, and whether it will ever happen is something I’ve been thinking a lot about.  I sort of decided half-way through college that I would be totally burned out on school by the time I graduated.  But in retrospect it takes way less time to burn out on work than it does to burn out on school, and grad degrees are a different kind of thing.  So it’s worth revisiting.’

- Given a best man speech (Sam, this means you have to get married within the next 10 years.  Good luck out there.) - Holy shit, Sam, you maniac, you actually did it!  Sam got married back in 2019 and I gave his best man speech! It’s another one of my favorite memories :-) 

- Gone on a cruise with someone I’m dating - Hmm, not yet.  I’ve gone on cool trips, but none on a boat.  Maybe that’s something to aim for after the pandemic passes :-)

Retrospective:

1yr: Completed: 5/9

More than half isn’t bad!  I’m not gonna worry too much about whether I got these things done within their assigned “time-frame”.  I’m a procrastinator in my heart and I don’t see any reason to put that kind of pressure on myself.  The point is, they got done.  That’s enough for me.

The things I did best in in this category were academic things, and things to do with relationships.  I’m proud of the academic achievements, I really feel like doing them has increased my belief in myself and my sense that I’m good at the thing I’ve spent the last four years studying.  And of course, I am so happy to be in a loving, fulfilling relationship that brings so many good things into my life.  I almost feel like the things I accomplished sort of fell into my lap - of course I’m gonna do programming stuff as a programming student, and getting pets / going on road trips are things I did as a result of my relationship with Meesh.  I don’t say that to downplay the accomplishments, but I do think it’s worth noting.

The things I haven’t done are more to do with personal development, which is disappointing.  I would like to be able to say, 5 years down the road, that I’ve done the personal development I expected to do in just a single year, but maybe that’s a lot to expect.  These are problems I’ve dealt with my whole life.  I think what this means is that I can’t expect everything to fall into my lap.  Those things are going to take real concerted effort to change.  I’m not quite sure how to go about that, though.

2yrs: Completed: 4/6

Two-thirds!  Even better!

Lots of these are one-time accomplishments, not so much long-term commitments to personal development.  The good news is, I did them, and I think those resulted in some development in their own right :-)

Again, though, the things I didn’t do so well are the things that require long-term, concerted effort.  For instance, while I crossed off the one about experimenting with music, it’s really only the initial investment that I’ve really done at this point.  It remains to be seen whether I’ll be able to follow through on the commitment to actually experiment and learn.

3yrs: Completed: 4/10

This category also follows the same pattern I’ve noticed with the last two.  The other thing I’m noticing is that so, so much of my effort over the past few years has been going towards developing a very particular skill: programming / computer science.  Music and art are so important to me, but I’ve done very little real development in those areas.  I mean, I’ve done some.  But not as much as I would have hoped for half a decade.

5yrs: Completed: 4/10

This is getting a little more fun because less of my goals have to do explicitly with my degree.  I’m starting to think beyond college, which is good, because the stage of life I’m in right now requires me to start thinking about the kind of life I want to build now that I’m done with school.  Also, I’m at the deadline for this one right now!  So this is a particularly interesting category because it really shows where I thought I’d be by this time.

The goals I accomplished in this timeframe are, again, mostly things I’ve done through my relationship, but politics also feature pretty prominently on this part of the list.  I spent a lot of time reading and researching political issues during college and really did look for ways to participate.  I honestly made politics a pretty big part of my identity over the last 5 years, and I think it will stay that way forever, but I’ve gotten to the point where I think I need to devote less of my mental energy to knowing more.  I know what I need to know.  It’s time to think about other things.

10yrs: Completed: 4/11 (and counting!)

There’s some career stuff in this section that I’ve been able to do, which is good news.  I’ve always been scared about entering the working world.  All things told, it’s gone more smoothly than it could have.  But I also have lots of lingering doubts about what I want to do in the long term.  So one of the most pressing goals I should aim for is to resolve those doubts.

Ultimately, I have a lot of time left, and I’m not even done with this time frame, so I’m not gonna spend much time dissecting the things I haven’t done.  What I’ll do instead is say that while I didn’t do everything on this list, I feel proud of the things I have accomplished.  I said when I first wrote this list that it’s sometimes hard for me to feel that my life is moving in any particular direction, and I’m still feeling like that five years later, to be honest.  But looking back on these things has helped me see that I actually am making progress in my life.  Not in all the ways I want to, but that’s OK.  There’s still time.

In the next couple days I want to come back to this and reorganize this list into an updated set of goals, for the same time frames.  Maybe that will help me think through exactly what it is I want out of the next five-ten years, with the benefit of having analyzed the things that I did and didn’t do well over the previous five.

[sojuu]

i woke up crying.

it was such a weird dream but i can’t help but believe that any dream i’m experiencing is truly reality and i end up facing it with the entirety of my existence, not a part of me knowing or even considering the fact that it’s all in my head. i hate it so much. i woke up crying and as it slowly sunk in that i was really just dreaming, i felt such a huge wave of relief like i used up the last of my shitty luck and somehow escaped into an alternate reality. anyone would think i had just dreamed of someone dying or something exceptionally terrible. but it wasn’t anything like that. just heartbreak. so familiar, yet it hurt, stung, and burned like the first time.

it’s been happening for a few days now and it’s something i’ve experienced before. i think somehow it’s a coping mechanism for my brain, which is always ( why do you do this ) thinking of the worst possible scenario for my heart and is trying to run through these enactments of heartbreak in the worst possible manner like some sick therapy or training that would somehow harden my heart and prepare me for the worst...or the inevitable. i’m not sure. i can’t say it’s ever worked though. i am still as vulnerable and fragile and prone to break down.

______________________________

in my first relationship, as i was saying goodbye to him before getting ready to return home from school before my summer internship, i asked him if this was a break or a break-up. his answer?

“whatever makes it easier.”

he looked sad but smiled anyway, the most gentlest i’d ever seen him throughout the entirety of our relationship, which was, in short, abusive. i ran to my friends’ apartment across the street and cried into their arms. they supported me and we watched moana to help me feel a bit better. i returned to my apartment later with puffy eyes, my heart a bit lightened. but i could slowly feel it sinking back into this bottomless sadness as i realized i wouldn’t see them for a bit. i felt alone and helpless, not knowing how i would deal with this emotional burden. i wanted it gone but i didn’t know how to get rid of it. i’m impatient. “it gets better with time” i didn’t want to hear it.

i went off to my summer internship in a new city. travelling and living alone in a new city is incredibly exciting but nerve-wracking. but i can’t deny that it helped to focus on something other than my broken heart. i arrived a bit earlier to move in and settle down, giving me some time to explore at my leisure. my room was small but the bed was set right up against the window, giving me tons of sunlight and an alright view of the city. i would watch the sun rise from the window many times as i either failed to sleep or woke up crying. for months.

_______________________________

it was the same feeling as back then. i had dreams that i thought were real until i woke up and saw the sun of a new city flood the room and greet me, assuring me it wasn’t real. except...it eventually did become real. i dreamed that he left me for another girl, someone i knew and was acquainted with. they were always close friends but it never bothered me because, well, i liked her too. and i trusted him. or wanted to believe i could. towards the end of the year though, i had suspected something was up because he told me to leave him alone so he could focus on his finals and applying to grad school. so i did, because your future and your career are important. i stopped messaging him and didn’t talk to him or see him for a week. the next time i did see him, he was watching netflix and laughing with her. i was furious. am i the crazy girlfriend? he hadn’t talked to me at all that week and yet, here i found him enjoying himself with someone else. ( wow typing this out, i really do sound like the crazy girlfriend lol. but dam, he was so shitty to me i ain’t about to discredit myself and give him anything rn. sorry but 2017 and 2018 me were wasted on u. i deserved better u misogynistic asshole with anger management issues who can’t even take care of yourself. i didn’t deserve being told to break up with you from your mom, being told racist things, how she didn’t like koreans coupled with him telling me his mom just wanted him to have a nice chinese girlfriend. fuck you. o shit i just got so angry so fast lmao. repressed much lol )

they eventually started dating the following school year. he had apparently sought after her throughout the summer and when the new semester began. and to think he had the audacity to ask me to be friends again after ghosting me the entire

different story. different time.

i can’t say my dreams were realistic in the slightest. they were over-dramatic and honestly would never play out in real life like they do in my head. but nevertheless, i had my heart broken tons of times that summer just from my own imagination. and just now, too.

he’s my second one. we’re in a bit of a weird spot but basically, we’re chillin. we did actually date for like a month at the beginning of the school year but...things happened. he’s been working the same job and living in this city for years and i’m about to graduate. basically, if we end up in the same city, we’ll start dating again. but if not, it’s over.

i’ve been feeling really shaky about all this because i hate not knowing exactly where i stand in his life and where he stands in mine. we’re not dating but we’re not just friends, either. and i truly thought i could have a future with this guy. i still do, to some degree. but i feel like it’s too early to be thinking about stuff like that. i gotta graduate and get a job first lol. and i guess you could say the easiest solution to all this is to just find jobs in the same cities, which is basically what we’re doing right now. but i’m kinda having a mental breakdown about my career, what i actually want to do, my chance of even getting a job with all this shit happening, etc...

wow the more i write the more ridiculous i sound to myself. i think since it’s been like an hour since i woke up, my sad feelings have like dissipated or something lmao. idk. i feel better but also like...disappointed in myself? i think i just need a therapist to be honest. i thought i was over all the shit that happened in my previous relationship but clearly not. my brain is sabotaging itself with this weird dreaming heartbreak training again because that’s just the shitty way it works. but that doesn’t mean those two people in my life are the same. am i exhibiting the same behavior because i see similarities between them or because i just don’t know any other way to cope? because they are definitely very different people. it’s just...they both broke my trust. i guess that’s one similarity. did it involve other people? yeah. another similarity. hmm, maybe i’m not that crazy after all. i always feel like i overthink and overreact. and i do. i honestly do and i can acknowledge that. but typing this out, i can see why my brain would return to the same coping mechanism.

i should just end it. if i’m having thoughts about him like this, if my trust in him isn’t what it used to be, then maybe this just ain’t it...is what i’ve been thinking at the back of my head for a while. but am i giving up on something that could be? relationships are hard to make work, even good ones. they require trust and work both ways, i know that. communication, understanding, sympathy, vulnerability...all those things and even more. and yet, i can’t really ask for any of that right now since we’re not even at that point. we’re not dating. we’re just chillin. friends with benefits? maybe. but there are definitely strings attached since we, uh, did actually date at some point. idk. i can still see a future with this guy but maybe not now maybe in like...a few years? when i figure out a better way of handling myself? when i get a therapist? when the rest of my life is a bit more figured out? when this virus isn’t wrecking my motivation, mental state, grades, productivity, etc.?

idk man

i just wanted to write down what i dreamed but it ended up being a rant anyway.

i dreamed that he showed me a song. it was kinda like a love song? and we sang it together. and then he told me was gonna sing it to another girl and had all these things prepared to confess to her. i was confused. i thought we were dating. i thought we were together? was this a different timeline? we had a hangout place. it was shaped like a huge glass bottle but twisted towards the top. i cried and ran into the glass bottle building and up the twirling staircase and sang the song. he followed me and gave me a hug while i was crying. there’s an abandoned shopping cart outside of the building. i don’t know why. he goes back downstairs and leaves. i am devastated and crying and singing the song. and then i wake up.

i don’t even remember what the song sounded like.

i feel more normal now. i really need to take a shit tho.

[purplesurveys]

692

How old were you when you had your first crush? The first crush I had that wasn’t a celebrity or a teacher was when I was 12. If you're a girl, how old were you when you started your period? It was a month after I turned 10. By that time I was just entering Grade 4 and when we were asked who had already gotten theirs, only a handful of hands shot up haha. I was an early bird for sure. What is your worst period story? Pretty obvious TMI warning here. Happened last December. I was visiting a photo studio to test if they were going to be suitable for my college batch’s grad shoot and unfortunately my period started in the middle of the trip. Even more unfortunately the trip was all the way in fucking BINANGONAN, which meant I couldn’t have access to napkins for the entire drive. I had to cross my legs real tight to avoid any leakage but at the time we got to the studio, my crotch area was soaked nonetheless. I had to ask for napkins from the studio staff, but thank god they were the nicest people ever and didn’t hesitate to hand me one. Does anyone else know who your first crush was besides you? Gabie knows. I think she’s the only one who knows, but I also think Pia asked me at one point too, so maybe her as well. What was your most embarrassing moment? I have at least one everyday.

What are your worst cramps like? Leg cramps that wake me up at 4 AM, without a doubt. Those always end me in tears no matter how old I am. What is the most physically painful thing you have ever experienced? Either my foot infection back in ‘09 or the toothache I had a few months back. I had no idea a TOOTH could send me crying almost every night or wake me up in the middle of the night just from being so painful. Oh and the time I ripped my ear piercing off. What are you allergic to? I’m not allergic to anything... at least I haven’t encountered anything I turned out to be allergic to. Have you ever wanted to be someone else? I’ve never seriously wanted to be a particular person, but I’ve found myself fantasizing about if I were richer. Have you ever been jealous of someone? Sure. Have you ever been jealous of a friend? Yeah. Just mostly high school stuff though, like the time Erk kept getting Gabie away from me and I got super fed up about it at one point that I stopped talking to Gab for like a month lmao. Do you feel shy around someone when you are first getting to know them? Yeah of course. Aren’t most of us? Do you feel shy around a crush? I get both shy and distant. What color hair did your first crush have? Black. Do you ever cry in public unwillingly, or are you able to hold it in? I’m able to hold it in because I hate making a scene. I just keep swallowing the lump in my throat and try to blink less. Do you throw up involuntarily when you have to, or can you swallow it down? I also can swallow it down as long as I have to. But if I really need to throw up I run to the nearest toilet. What's one near-embarrassing moment you had? Uhh idk. If I can tell something is going to be embarrassing I usually already feel pretty embarrassed about it, regardless if I’m saved from the embarrassment or not. Do you ever call yourself stupid? Yeah. Just yesterday BoJack Horseman’s “You’re a stupid piece of shit" kept replaying in my head all afternoon and evening. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? Katrina. She was my first and last. What's one weird habit you have? When I get my usual drink at Starbucks, my first sip has to be a long one and I usually savor it by closing my eyes and letting out a contented sigh haha. Only then can I start working.  Are you more of an open or a private person? I’m a bit of both, if that makes sense? I keep my shit private when they aren’t being raised, but when someone asks me about them I have no problem being an open book. Do you wish you could be more open with others? No, I already am. Do you feel ashamed? Not permanently lmao, but I feel it every now and then. Do you get embarrassed easily? Yes. Do you have regrets? Some. Have you ever fallen asleep in class? Never. I feel like – aside from being disrespectful – it’s an embarrassing thing to happen, especially if you’re caught and get scolded for it, so I make it a point not to let it happen to me. What was the hardest thing you've ever had to forgive? [Big trigger warning: Domestic violence] The day my grandpa said sorry to each of us in the family for beating up my baby cousin in a drunken stupor. After that he left the house for the week, presumably out of shame, then he came back to ask for forgiveness from each of us. I was desensitized to all of the violence I’ve seen at that point, so my 9 year old self gave him a shrug. Is there anyone you hate? No, not hate. Is there anything or anyone you're angry at, that you haven't forgiven yet? I don’t plan on forgiving my deadbeat uncle or my brother anytime soon. List five of your biggest bullies. A lot of people bullied me for my name and looks when I was younger, but they’re all irrelevant in my life now and I’ve forgotten all of them save for two – Kaira (who’s my friend now) and Sophia (who I don’t like just as much as when I was 4). Have you ever plotted revenge against someone? I’ve fantasized about revenge but never plotted anything. Have you ever done anything to get revenge against someone? Nope. ^If so, do you regret it, and did you apologize later? Have you ever had a friend crush (i.e., you really wanted to be their friend)? Yeah I remember being like this with Macy. She’s changed quite a bit these days and we don’t talk anymore, which I find sad considering what we’ve gone through in the last couple of years. What is the greatest longing of your heart? Money. The rest of my desires - happiness, contentment, the material things I want - comes after I have money lol. Who was your first love? Gabie. What was the last thing someone said that warmed your heart? Chesca said something very sweet to me and it was something I needed to hear, but explaining it would need too much background context so suffice it to say, she reassured me when I needed it most. Do you pray regularly? Nope. ^If so, to whom? Do you love Jesus? What church do you go to? I’m not religious but my mom is, and she drags the entire family to church every Sunday. That said we go to a specific parish within our area, because that’s what we’re a part of. What denomination is your church (if you go)? Catholic. What was the first year you voted in a presidential election? 2016. How old were you when the year changed to 2000? At exactly January 1? I was a year old, but I was turning 2 that year. Have you ever been afraid of the world ending? Not really, but it certainly has felt like the end of the world these days. This is the kind of shit you only ever get to read about in textbooks, so it’s feeling a little surreal. Do you enjoy public speaking? If I’m prepared for it and/or I enjoy what it is I have to talk about. What food makes you gag? Pineapple, raisins, or ice cream with nuts. Who was your first celebrity crush? Ashley Tisdale when she was Maddie in Suite Life of Zack & Cody. I also lowkey liked the mom, hahaha. What show did you want to be on when you were younger? Hi-5 when I was extremely younger; the kiddie crowds looked so lit 😩 Hahaha but when I got a bit older, I wanted to be in Legends of the Hidden Temple or be one of the people splashed with slime at the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Looking at my answer I could now tell I was definitely a Nickelodeon kid. What was your childhood dream? To be an astronaut, to be a wrestler, and to have a big house with a swimming pool. Did you ever fulfill your childhood dream? I have 0/3 achieved, but it’s okay. My wants have mostly changed. What is your dream now? I still want a big house with a pool for sure lmao, but I mostly just dream of having enough money all my life and never having to worry about finances or having to ask people. What is your passion? History has always been my biggest one. Are you living your dream? Not yet. Do you receive insults or compliments more? Compliments, but that’s because I don’t let myself thrive in an environment where I’d get insults more because yanno, self-care? Lol. What is unfair about your life? Bad past presidents and how it’s led our country to be in the miserable state it’s in today, whereas I have to see other countries flourish in their unbelievably competent governments and see how these countries have public parks, libraries, playgrounds, etc. I don’t know what I did in my past life to have to end up in the Philippines hahahahaha, but here we are today. What about your life would you change? I wish my dog can stay with me forever. Did you write love poems when you were younger? Nope. Who are you jealous of and why? I’m not really feeling jealousy at the moment. When someone hurts you, do you start to feel jealous of them? No? Why would that happen? Name five people you know who have everything handed to them. Idkkkkk. I don’t wanna namedrop anyone for something like this lol. Name one person you know who is spoiled rotten. Boomers? Name one person you know who seems stuck-up. I know someone but I’m not naming him on here lmao. Name a church that just wants money. All of them? LOL at least all the Catholic ones, I can’t speak for the other denominations. What is your least favorite chore? I really hate folding clothes. Have you ever had an account of yours hacked? Yeah but like by a virus or something, not a person. Have you ever been a victim of police misconduct? Nah. But traffic enforcers have been incredibly rude to me before. Do you keep a diary? This one. What color is the diary you are currently using? It doesn’t really come with a color... Do you actually write "Dear Diary"? Only in the diaries I kept as a kid, because it’s what I saw in cartoons. When was the last time you wrote and sent someone a letter? December. I included a handwritten letter in my Christmas gifts for Gab. Do you write in cursive or print more? Print. Have you ever self-harmed? Duh.

[sabazio]

I kind of had something planned for this post but it ended up falling through at the last minute.

Regardless! August 3rd marks my 7th anniversary on this account and I’m feeling a bit sentimental. I made this account fresh out of high school on a whim at like 5am after talking to eva-cybele because she had a mitsuru. I was nihilfists back then. Now I’m out of college, technically graduated. It’s honestly wild. Catch me still here after a decade.... (if tungler lasts that long lmao.)

I often ask myself why I’m even still here but despite it all I keep coming back no matter how much time has passed. I’ve tried a few other muses but in the end I keep coming back to him and this dumb as rocks community. I’ve met some of my best friends through here, some of them I still talk to, or have met irl. I’m so grateful. 

I feel like I’ve missed people but so many people have changed urls or moved on I really can’t keep track anymore. Just know, that if we’ve written together, interacted ic or ooc, then: thank you for taking the time. I love you, sincerely.

@dolgelo : This summer I felt like I was finally really able to bond with you---which is something I’ve always wanted to do but was never quite able to for whatever reason. One of my biggest wishes on this blog was to find a mitsuru who was not only passionate about the character and lore, but who loved akimitsu as much as I did. I just wanted someone to have such a pure love for the character, and be on the same level and I finally found her in you. (You’re the asami to my fukki. you’re a sunflower blooooming out of season.) Writing with you is honestly a dream come true. I love reading your thoughts and metas on her, plotting with you, your twitter content, and watching and talking about stage plays and audio dramas. Thank you for sharing so much with me, and for all you do. You’re such a joy clio, don’t let anyone say otherwise. Thank you for spending time with me! Thank you for being my friend!

@crossxskulled / @valorxdrive @jououpansa @zenkofu @rainylotus @qiedaji : I mean, you guys are The Squad. We haven’t felt as close lately, but everyone’s out busy with their lives and that’s okay! I think about you guys every day and I hope you’re doing well. I just can’t tell you how grateful I am that you guys picked me up, of all people, to come hang with you on your silly discord.  I’ve never met a group of people I meshed with so nicely without incident, and our chemistry always felt unmatched. It’s kind of silly, but I’ve always wanted a group chat and like we have, and I found it in you guys. The hours of fun I’ve had with you were some of the happiest times of my life. It’s going to be our one year anniversary very soon, actually! I hope it can continue for more.

@cast-r : It feels strange to be writing this for you because I don’t even know you that well! But you feel like a cryptid in this community, HAHA. When you come around there’s just hushed whispers in my DMs of ‘cast-r’s back!!!’. Your writing is simply some of the best, and I hang on every word. I love your grounded, no-nonsense take on Shinji and I always will. You’ve been with us for so long it just feels wrong when you’re not. I... remember when you were going through grad school. I’m glad you’re like me in that you just can’t stay away, haha. (I look forward to seeing more of your Raidou.)

@miskick : My dear konapop you’re the other I just can’t see this community without. One of the only OCs I’ve ever truly cared about (sorry! lol) I love Karin and our characters have such playful chemistry. Her crush on him is endearing and I’ve always thought it was cute. You just put so much love, care, and effort into everything you do and to see your journey has been so inspiring. Your art especially!! Like?? Everyone go check out her art it’s so incredible! I just adore you kona keep it up!!! I believe in you!!! It’s also crazy that we only live an hour apart now... I hope we can hang out sometime.

@transiens : You’re not even HERE anymore but you’ve been with me since the very beginning--- and yet we’ve never done an actual thread with akihiko and makoto. You’re a friend though that I feel like I’ll always have. I have a lot of interests in common with you and I think that’s what keeps us together. I love talking FF with you, jojo, DMC there’s just so much... I miss your writing. I miss your makoto... and I miss our dantebayos... :(

@gamenu / @gooselullaby : meimei!!! The other forever constant in my life who I couldn’t do without. Akihiko found a little sister in the both of your muses, and they both make him miserable for vastly different reasons LAUGHS. The sheer amount of prompts you’ve sent over on Nanako were so many I’ve hoarded them all in my asks for when I could give them proper replies and never ended up getting around to them. But that kind of generosity thought and care is something I feel like I owe you 10x over. I love writing with Nanako. It’s one of the few threads where I feel Akihiko is truly, truly happy and I enjoy being able to write that side of him with you since none of my threads are ever able to attain that kind of purity. You’re not afraid to write the mundane, or the innocent that people seem to avoid. I just really love writing with you, even though you reply so fast I get whiplash. You’re incredible. Keep writing like the wind!!!

@enshijou  @fukukaichc @adievs : You’re all three honorable mentions because I’ve just gotten the pleasure of meeting you recently (with the exception of fukukaichc) and I might not have anything spectacular to say and no paragraphs to personally sing your praises but know that I’m just so taken with you guys. Your writing is so wonderful. Enshijou I love your Ryoji, I love his charm and sweetness, I love the mystery beneath him. I love your aesthetic and I love the friendliness of the mun. Your threads with Clio are some of my favorites.  Fukukaichc you’re another sweet mun. Writing novellas with our petty, stubborn emperors is honestly so fun. Turning the dash into a mess with not-so-crack is on of my favorite memories. I never thought I’d have so much fun writing with a persona npc. You breathe such life into him. Adievs I hardly know you but you’re a sweetheart and I wish nothing but the best for you. Your sense of humor is so funny, thanks for birthing clownsuru into this world so I can suffer. I hope we can continue our thread sometime because Akihiko interacting with Haru is something I never knew I needed. If Mitsuru is queen, then Haru is a princess.

You’ve been with me for what feels like forever.

@bleachblondbeefcake @maikoyaki @finalhxaven @succubischaos @tacitusauxilium : Exactly what it says on the tin. You guys have been here with me forever and I just wanted to formally thank you for sticking around for so long. I love you! I’m just glad you’e still here. Seeing you reminds me of the good ol days ;___;

I miss you :/

cheerfulfool windsaffinity p-a-p-i-l-i-o-n imperiousqueen crimsonxheadphones textsfromkatsuragi waning-atonement jokyoukou shoscarred ... and to all the junpeis and kens that have come and gone... bls. come back.

[tinyryder]

Reality Bites vs. How to Make An American Quilt: A Cross-Analysis (sort of)

I wasn’t going to post this but @free-winona made me. Peer pressure is bad

So I’ve always gravitated towards Reality Bites and How to Make An American Quilt in terms of movies that Winona Ryder has made. And why not? They’re pretty great films, and to me, they showcase Winona’s acting abilities the best. Here she is, playing characters her age, characters that could easily be incarnations of Winona if she hadn’t chosen to pursue acting. And moreover, her characters are everything we wish we could be in our twenties, even if they’re ordinary people: they’re smart, kind, dedicated, passionate, and (frankly) adorable. They’re disorganized and unfocused and awkward at times, but people still love them. And I, as a twenty-something, can relate to these spirited twenty-something characters.

But recently, I’ve realized how similar these two characters really are. And what does an academically-driven person do when school is out? Write a fucking essay. Here’s my cross-analysis of Lelaina Pierce from Reality Bites and Finn Dodd from How to Make An American Quilt (thanks Kayla for pushing me to do this).

Now the first and most obvious similarity is the fact that Winona did these movies one after the other, with only Little Women between the two. Winona apparently got a lot of flak for playing the same character over and over again, and maybe these two movies is where that comes from. And maybe I’m biased, but I really don’t see the validity in that argument. Here’s a brief timeline of that part of Winona’s career: she did three period pieces in a row (Dracula, The Age of Innocence, and The House of the Spirits), then came Reality Bites and American Quilt with another period piece in between the two, and two movies after that, she did another period piece with The Crucible. Yes, you can argue that characters can be similar even though some wear corsets and participate in high society drama while others wear muscle tanks and drink Diet Coke like it’s their job, but it just seems irrelevant to compare them and to allege that Winona acted herself into a corner, so to speak. She was a twenty-something at the time, so I think it’s natural for her to gravitate towards roles that she can relate to. Anyway, I’m done with this point, moving on.

The second similarity is the fact that both characters are twenty-something’s adrift in their careers. Both Lelaina and Finn struggle to make the right choices, and encounter pitfalls along the way. They both have passion, but it’s a little misguided, especially in Finn’s case. Part of her character arc is “will she or won’t she finish her Master’s thesis.” Lelaina’s main pitfall is that she is easily discouraged. She overhears her boss criticizing her and immediately sabotages her job, and then she applies for a few jobs and immediately gives up when that doesn’t work out.

The third similarity is that both characters are at the center of a love triangle. Yeah, I don’t wanna talk about it either, but it needs to be said. Lelaina must choose between Troy, her slacker, philosophy-douche best friend, and Michael, a career-driven young man who works for a TV network not unlike MTV. Finn must choose between Sam, her sort-of-fiancee (he proposes pre-beginning-of-the-film and she immediately flees to her grandmother’s house for the summer), and Leon, a guy from her grandmother’s town who we never really get much about other than he sells strawberries or something? I don’t know. In the end, they both choose the familiar option, although not the best. And that takes us to our next argument.

The third similarity is that they both chose the wrong guy, at least in my opinion. Troy is somewhat mean-spirited and douchey, and also lazy, but goddammit if he doesn’t have those puppy dog eyes that ultimately win her over. And let’s not forget that creepy song he sang about her in the club in front of everyone (why can’t you get just one kiss? BECAUSE YOU’RE AN ASS, THAT’S WHY). Also that one moment where he says he’s in love with her and then is like “JK, fuck you lmao.” Finn’s fiancee is never really given much characterization other than the fact that he’s a carpenter. But he’s the wrong choice for several reasons. Firstly, when Finn balks at his off-screen proposal, she asks for some time to work things out and work on her thesis and they agree to reconvene in September. But guess who’s back after what I can only assume is a few weeks with blueprints of their new house (which includes a room for a future baby. Yikes). He gets mad at her when she continues to balk about plans for the future, which I can understand. They have their little fight and he drives home and she tries to call him to apologize, but another woman picks up the phone. It’s later explained that she dialed the wrong number (back when no one had cell phones and we actually had to remember phone numbers), but I don’t believe that. From what little we see of him, he seems like someone who doesn’t respect her space, which is a problem I can only see getting worse once they’re married. This does not mean that I think Lelaina should have chosen Michael, or Finn should have chosen Leon. All these men kinda suck in my opinion. In an ideal world, Lelaina should have gone gay for her best friend Vickie and Finn should have ditched both guys and focused on her career.

Yet another similarity is the fact that both see their career crumble. They both have lofty aspirations, but these aspirations don’t win out in the end, which makes me sad. For Lelaina, she graduated valedictorian of her university, but still finds herself as an assistant to an asshole talk show host. She eventually sabotages this job and gets fired with the knowledge that she was going to be fired eventually anyway (a point which NO ONE seems to remember when talking about her actions, I mean come on). She briefly searches for a job, finds nothing, and spirals into a chain-smoking, TV-watching, cheese-curl-eating depression, which also includes running up her phone bill by talking for hours on end with a tele-psychic. It gets even worse when she gives Michael, Love Interest #2, the footage of her precious documentary and he and his evil MTV-esque corporation edit it into unrecognizability. For Finn, she is, I’m assuming, a grad student at UC Berkeley who is supposed to be writing a thesis, but keeps changing the topic. Things are further complicated when she loses her thesis in a windstorm (this was in that unimaginable time when laptops weren’t very popular) and is forced to start over. We never actually see either character’s career pan out, which is my last point.

Last but not least, both characters’ careers are never really resolved. Coincidentally, the resolution is tossed aside to answer the burning question “which guy will she choose,” which pisses me off to no end. In Lelaina’s case, after her disastrous documentary premiere, she falls into the arms of Troy. There’s some angsty back-and-forth, but she ultimately ends up with him and career what? She is seen moving apartments with him at the end and eagle eyes can spot the nicotine patch on her arm which tells us she’s giving up smoking and getting her shit together, BUT WHAT ABOUT HER CAREER. Then there’s the fact that Michael steals the premise of her documentary and recasts it with Lelaina and Troy clones. I guess artistic copyright isn’t a thing. Then there’s Finn, who loses the draft of her thesis in a windstorm and decides to start over, but again WE NEVER SEE THAT. All we get is that she goes back to her fiancee and decides to marry him, despite overwhelming evidence that this is a Bad Idea.

Alright, I’m getting angry, so I’ll stop writing now. All in all, I love these films. I love these characters. The films and the characters have their problems, but it’s comforting for me to see that life can work out okay sometimes.

[elvesofnoldor]

i screened my thesis project again today along with my classmates, and honestly it went way better than yesterday, so my state of being has gone from “death” to “i think i’m a neurotypical now!!” even though i have a group assignment worth 30% due tomorrow and we more or less just started lol (i got it under control though, its just a fake grant application for a hypothetical arts project). Yesterday, and today morning, I was really worried about “grainy” images--they were not very grainy at all, but they aren’t the most pleasing visuals either.  i can’t really help with it beside making images too soft on edges or with a editing software plug in, so whatever, the images look better when they are projected anyways. 

More people showed up, no one walked out--and a prof who apparently walked out on many other classmates’ presentations stayed for mine and said he liked mine. Couple of more people complimented my project. Oh boy I kinda wish he’s grading my project now, because the profs grading my project were not fans lmao! (Francis--one of the profs grading my project--said the video essay was “very good” but im pretty sure she doesnt like the film itself, which is understandable considering that i basically shot it myself and had some help from a friend). I actually have such complicated feelings about this prof that liked my film (hes called scott). Like, first of all, i think i have a good shot at getting an A in his European films course right now, and he actually LECTURED in this course while he didn’t really do that for any other courses he taught in lol (i got ok grades in his two other courses but not an A yet). On one hand, Scott is just a very typical fine art department prof for not giving a heck in terms of lecturing, but on the other hand, hes super cultured and actually pretty laid back. His lecture in the European cinema class is so rich in content that I think if i recorded his one hour lecture and edited it, it’d be a very solid film editorial. He’s a cool leftist dude, he just doesnt give a heck sometimes. Anyways, my little short film is based on Wong Kar Wai’s aesthetic, and in Scott’s comment, he said that he could see how wong kar wai and Godard (a French new wave pioneer) influenced my short film, and considering that he didnt seem to stay for any other people’s project, I’m pretty sure that the fact that my film reminded him of one of the new wave filmmaker is THE reason he stayed for mine. Ofc he’s the only one who could truly appreciate it. Obviously, weird/unconventional story structure basing off obscure aesthetic influence just doesn’t go well with 0 dollar budget and mediocre film equipment and no professional help! But most importantly! No professional help! This would have worked out if the profs kept in mind the limitation we have and the limitation they have while they graded us!!! Godard also shot with basically no budget as well, but again he was a PIONEER--that’s why his films are any value in this time and day. 

Our class is meeting the thesis course’s profs again on this Wednesday, because we need to discuss our final project submission. i really want my profs to give me feedback on the changes they want, cause i need to give my shot at getting a decent grade in this 6 units course (a full year course done in one term, actually). I already got into grad school, and i dont think anything above B- would ruin my GPA--tbh I’m expecting a B or B+, and i’d throw a goddamn party if i manage to get a A- with the grade i got from mid term presentation (i participated a lot and attended all the classes and got a A- on my proposal, its just that one shit ass grade on mid term). It’s not fucking fair though, I could have a shot at A-, but they didnt properly explain what they wanted from me--or anyone tbh--on the mid term presentation and gave me shit grade for their own incompetence lol! I’m not the only ones who dislike them--most of the class don’t. I could have gotten an ok grade for my mid term if i knew what they wanted! It’s not like I’m not capable of providing the information at the time! Like I said before, they failed people (not me, thank shit) on the mid term based on arbitrary terms. They also got into trouble later because five people out of 26 ppl in the class have gone to our department head and complained lol! And i know the class in general didnt do great on the 25% mid term presentation. So for our final 35% of the mark? They better grade us according to the resources we are given! which is none!!!  They were seriously no help whatsoever, and I will shit on them till I fucking die lol. I don’t shit on profs or teachers often, but how they structured and dealt with the class was beyond unacceptable. i didn’t really talk to one of them, but today at the dinner, she said it to my face--”well we told you, you can’t shoot a film on your own”. WELL SHIT BITCH! YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME ANY SUGGESTION ON WHAT I SHOULD HAVE DONE INSTEAD WHEN KNOW I DONT REALLY HAVE HELP, AND YOU ARE FUCKING PAID TO DO THAT!! SO!! The only positive thing that came out of this experience is that i figured out that i dont wanna have anything to do with shooting on set or directing after this project, because coordinating people and putting together a crew are NOT my strongest suit and I accept that a little too late. If I wasn’t so obsess with wong kar wai, i might have see reason early on...but oh well, i did this, and at least im not doing something like that ever again. To be honest, im in film because im most passionated about story construction anyways, so after my M.A, hopefully I can have a strong enough profolio to apply for screenwriting program. I think i should really write a featured screenplay over the summer, they are easier to churn out and i gotta do it for my career lol. The longest consistent thing i’ve written is a 20 pages short story, but i also wrote that in only two nights. I just gotta sit down and do the stuff, cause i either don’t write at all or i write a lot super fast--mainly to meet a deadline.  But dude i dont wanna figure this important info out regarding my career path on the expense of my grade lol!! i know that we university students are supposed to figure a lot of things out on our own blah blah blah, but that doesnt mean we are paying profs $300 per course for them to sit around and giving us shit grades for nothing!!! Fucking film profs i s2g, they are either no help whatsoever and snobby af, or doesnt give heck and no help whatsoever. I was nothing but polite and civil and sweet when talking to my thesis course profs, but believe me, when i was thinking abt the way they behaved, im in such mood to go off.