#this is also what it's like being manic while unmedicated. btw. so yk. it's a twofer.

[filmnoirsbian]

PHEW anyways I think at some point it became normalized to do drugs recreationally so you say you used to do molly or whatever and people are like oh yeah I've done that nbd but what they mean is that they did it maybe three or four times while out with the girls or whatever and that's fun! That's chill! But some of us did drugs every night to the point where it became impossible to divorce our personalities from that. Like who am I off of drugs? Idk but she's boring! That kind of thing. And then we get sober for whatever reason (which is GOOD it's GOOD to be sober sorry for being an afternoon special about it but it's actually such a good thing to not be so high and drunk all the time that you genuinely don't remember entire years of your life!) and suddenly we're confronted with the fact that we don't actually know this person! This sober us who is suddenly staring us down in the mirror like ok! When did I become that person? I wasn't there for that! And that's scary and unsettling and it's hard! It's hard to get to know yourself when you keep comparing yourself to everyone else's wacky fun cool girl stories about you and you have to just laugh along like yeah haha I was a riot! Except I was quite literally rotting on the inside that entire time and I don't remember most of what you're talking about! And now it feels like I can't measure up to that person you knew who was larger than life and great to be around because everything feels like a lisa frank notebook when you're high out of your mind but unfortunately you cannot continue to exist that way because you will literally die! So here I am trying not to die and feeling boring about it!