#this is also for me who left the house earlier and had to buy antihistamine because i wouldn't stop sneezing lol

[lover-of-mine]

#Allergies season be like

[kelleyish]

Oh tumblr, it’s time for me to complain again.

I made a couple valiant attempts this last week to climb back on the diet horse, kicked my leg over its back but didn’t quite manage to hang on. The older I get the more I realize I do have an addiction to food, although I wouldn’t quite equate it to what people go through with drugs. It still feels shitty though, holding on all day by my fingertips only to let go at night and sneak off to 7-11 to buy junk. Or lying to my dad, saying I’m going to run errands in the afternoon when really I’m driving through McDonald’s. I’ve been spending so much money on junk food the last month, and not only am I wasting money but I’m putting weight back on, too. It’s like I’m paying someone to make me fat. I’d be better off flushing dollar bills down the toilet, skipping the trip through my digestive system. At least that way my ass wouldn’t get any bigger.

Speaking of my dad, I went out to eat junk food and play my Harry Potter game Wednesday afternoon and came home to find him throwing up in bathroom. He said he’d been sick for a couple hours by that time, and I asked why he hadn’t texted me to come home but he’d left his phone in the living room. His shirt was soaked like he had run a marathon, and he was weak and talking like he had a mouth full of marshmallows. He’d been perfectly fine when I left the house, and it freaked me out. Ended up calling my mom at work and asking if I ought to take him to the doctor.

We decided against it for the time being, because this is America and with the insurance plan they have an ER visit could easily rack up a 5K bill and we didn’t want to do that for nothing. We thought maybe he’d eaten something bad, or picked up a bug. We had him stick his tongue out to see if it was straight, checking for a common sign of stroke, but it was fine. I got him into bed and he didn’t leave it for the next 36 hours.

We’re still not sure if some kind of illness sparked it, but he’s definitely got vertigo for some reason, causing him extreme dizziness and in turn nausea. His father struggled with the same thing while he was alive, so it could have just happened spontaneously. He was getting better, and got up using a walker and came to the living room to eat dinner last night. Then at 8 am this morning my mom got me out of bed to help her pick him up off the floor of the bathroom. He’d gotten another wave of dizziness while he was up to pee and had not quite fallen, but sort of slipped down and couldn’t get back up. Thankfully he wasn’t injured in the fall.

We called Teladoc and they prescribed him a medicine for vertigo that’s basically an antihistamine. The medicine seemed to work and he was able to get up again this evening. I hope he continues to get better again, because he was miserable. I also worry this is something he may have to struggle with going forward, but I hope not.

So anyway, all this drama gave me a great excuse to put off getting back on the diet wagon for a few more days, but today I tried again. And once again I wasn’t perfect - dad wanted wings for dinner tonight, which are keto if you get the bone-in kind and avoid sugary glazes, but I had a coupon for a free order of fries and I got them and secretly ate them on the way home in the car. It’s been my only cheat of the day though, and I don’t plan to eat anything else between now and bedtime. 

I’m just really discouraged right now about everything. My weight, my health, my work, my money, my prospects for ever having a new relationship. Just thinking about the odds of me being able to continue losing more large amounts of weight and successfully keeping it off long term seem so small. I mean they are small, considering the percentage of people who do manage to maintain permanent significant weight loss is in the single digits. The only thing I can say is that I’ve managed to avoid seeing 300 on the scale again, but it got up to 299.4 earlier in the week. 

I’ve done almost no work of any kind the last few weeks either, and feel shitty about that. I know that if my life were a brick wall, the first brick right now is my diet, and I’ve got to get back on that first. Second brick is some kind of exercise, and once I’ve got those two I know my outlook on everything else will improve. So I’m just trying to build it back up again, and to remember to quit kicking the fucking thing down once I get it built up. Cheetos and Coke and Twix aren’t worth it, but I wish I could remember that in the moment.