#this is also abt the doctor but like. whatever
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the thing about tongues & teeth is that i barely ever think about it from the singer's perspective, it's always the other, always the victim, but god look at it. think about it. i'm a monster and i have blood on my hands and i'm going to hurt anyone who gets close but get close anyway, please. ignore the risks. i'm telling you not to but i need you to know that i need you.
#tongues & teeth#the crane wives#my lonely rambles#im having a bit of a moment about stuff#this is also abt the doctor but like. whatever
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oh i was just reminded that u can go to school abroad
#chat do we think going to school abroad would make me lose my mind or do we think it'd be good for me#im considering adding some schools outside of the us into my list of programs to consider#there seem to be more masters n phd programs of what i want out of the us. here i can only find a few good solid ones most r minors#and certificates n i dont care for those im going all in. ideally would be able to go straight to doctorate but not all of the programs#i rlly like will allow it w/o a masters#anyway i feel like i am terribly neurotic abt things and there is a nonzero chance that studying abroad would kill me but i also feel like#good deal of my issues stem from living w my family. which can be fixed w leaving. and programs abroad r cheaper. but also id have to get#a whole ass situation set up unless i want to stay in dorms. which i dont. but i also feel like it could be fun idk#also i keep having dreams where for whatever reason i live in australia. that has nothing to do w anything but australia sounds fun#and there's a program over there im looking into
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something something. rose using the fact that the doctor never mentioned sarah jane as 1) a way to insult her 2) something to get insecure about wrt her own relevance to him vs donna using the fact that he never mentioned mel to highlight how he never shares anything and never stops even though he desperately needs to just Talk About His Shit
#ALSOOO DR TELLING MARTHA AND DONNA NOT TO FIGHT AND#DONNA IMMEDIATELY BEING LIKE YOU WISH IDIOT!! UGLY ASS DUMBASS!! HI MARTHA HIIIII HII <3 HELLO#donna i would die for youuuuuu😭😭😭😭#this isn't me dissing rose she's a child even if i think she was in the wrong w the sj stuff. coz like again. child#it's just such a cool contrast like ohmy godddd besties.......#also like im still mad abt the sj thing coz you have her rightfully calling out the dr for#travelling with an infant and then rose is just being mean to her for being 50 like oh my god💀#whatever anyway. hot take ?#doctor who#dw lb#10th doctor#14th doctor#doctordonna#my dumbass forgot to post this it's been in my drafts for like a month
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yazs faith in my fic mostly amounts to no alcohol and vegetarian jelly babies and vague religious anxiety on occasion, partially bc i dont know a lot about islam so i dont really have a lot to work with and partially because the show doesnt really give us a whole lot to work with either
but i do kinda like how, especially in this current fic where i give her a sort of explicit eating disorder past, that like, the main ways that god ends up playing a role in her daily life this way is through what she puts in her mouth or not
if the doctor is restrictive, emotionally psychologically nutritionally, and the master is excessive, yaz sort of hovers in the middle, pulled at from both sides
seduced by restriction vs seduced by excess. swallowing your anger vs spitting it out. desire and consumption and the way the human and the holy meet in the fallible body. you can become the doctor by acting like the doctor. you can make yourself holy by Doing The Right Actions
#i dont know.........which religions that fits and if theres overlap#the doctor isnt..............................a god. but. idk. vaguely divine sometimes#what if i want to eat her. what if she explodes. what if i explode with the desire to eat her. what if i eat her and she explodes inside me#its probably insensitive to...........literally everyone#muslims. bulimics. bulimic muslims#lesbians#but im not here to write that story im here to write my yazs story#i would have liked if they had given me more to work with though#like those rules or whatever they have for muslim astronauts#wouldnt it have been fun to see that#i wouldve loved for yaz to like try to keep track of the time of day and also in what general direction earth is#wouldve loved to know how she feels abt it all#if only to mirror with the master so we could extrapolate stuff abt him too#i suppose theres stuff abt him. those halos in timeless children right?#but also bc now i mostly just have my own feelings to work with#and my own feelings abt god are a little bit atypical i think perhaps who knows#are anybodys feelings abt god typical#are there typical god feelings? probably not#as many gods as there are bodies i think#which means a little bit of god dies with every body#whatever. my own feelings are christian probably which i dont think does yaz justice
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oh this is one of those. we're trying to not be weird about women and that makes us even weirder about women things. cool
#random thoughts#harley and montoya and barbara all being friends is the most random thing in the universe#what do these three have in common other than just. being female#barb and montoya finee whatever but why the fuck. would harley be their old friend. if they met through work and hit it off then fine but#like are there no other psychologists in gotham#especially weird to me cus of gothams weird doctor to non doctor ratio like. you already had harley namedrop scarecrow#just make barbara like. a med student or something if you desperately need her to be aged up#right now it feels much less like they aged barb up and more like they aged everyone down.#why is harley so. weird about asking montoya out. adults can be nervous blah blah blah but. idk maybe i still dont understand dating#also really not a fan of where they're taking harley here idk. i feel like. if this is where we're going jsut. just make a new character ?#i was kinda. sigh whatever abt clayface. catwoman isn't my favourite version but she's catwoman#firefly was cool actually like unironically liked that guy but he. yeah#but this may as well not be harley so far im so. awhh annoying fan sauce
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who in the torchwood team would hate nardole the most.
#torchwood#doctor who#nardole#dr who#dw#cannot figure it out#the one (1) thing im sure of is this: andy and nardole would get along SO well. they would LOVE each other. they meet like‚ ONE time in the#presence of at least one torchwood team member & like INSTANTLY hit it off in the background while whoever it is investigates smth and when#theyre done they come back to find nardole nd andy having a very quietly intense discussion abt smth extremely mundane & the team member#is like that photo of ben affleck with a cigarette. & then gwen finds out later that nardole and andy meet up every week to play mah-jong#also nardole would NOT fuck andy theyre just friends. and both of them get defensive if anyone ever suggests it.#in particular nardoles response is: (in a high and mighty tone of voice) 'actually. i dont sleep with cops thank you.' andys like 'whats#that supposed to mean' (a little offended) and nardoles like 'no a-dog its just a bit too messy for me‚ what with the legal system and all.#i dont do lawyers either. beyond clingy you know how it is' and andys like 'yea you know what thats reasonable i guess'#ari opinion hour#also andy DOES NOT KNOW THIS but thats the only thing preventing nardole from trying to fuck him like a bird doing one of those#weird ass mating displays. thank god for this also because it means we are all spared from whatever That would be (which‚ awkward‚ mostly)#ALSO YES NARDOLE WOULD HAVE A NICKNAME FOR ANDY BY THE END OF THAT FIRST CONVERSATION. IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY.
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how do i stop feeling like i'm in trouble all the time fr. sitting here on my lunch break like everyone's gonna be soooo mad when u get back...from lunch...which you are allowed to have.....(?)
#social anxiety kicking my ass so bad every day#unless my supervisor actually says hello you are doing an amazing job today and i dont hate you im like omg she hates me bc i suck......#miscounted the kids yesterday and left one on the playground for like two minutes and im still traumatized#she wasnt alone or anything there was another class w teachers but 😬🔫#killing myself killing myself killing myself#i counted them five times today tho#and the playground was empty which made it easier but ugh#infinitely better than my last job and im actually good at this but i still feel like my supervisor doesn't like me#even tho i think she's just a bit awk and has anxiety also lol#she was reading a book abt coping with anxiety the other day lol#also my other coworker w the drama likes me but the drama is always threatening to happennagain bc she doesnt like our supervisor#anyway#my mentor just got here before lunch for her half day shift so i feel better but aaaaa#way less stressful than my last job tho and im grateful but very stressed lately#also the owner of the school was in the room im taking lunch for a while and im like omg she's gonna be annoyed that im here#she's gonna judge me for having a chocolate bar like a shitty spoiled young person or whatever and listening to music bc im rude#i need to calm down fr#she complained abt lazy inconsiderate young people at my job interview so now im paranoid abt every interaction w her lmao#bc i am a lazy oblivious young person and also i took a sick day my first week which is what she was complaining abt said young people doing#but i legitimately was throwing up i Had to call out#that's life in child care#but ughhhh#i was determined not to bc this is a job where they expect you to come in even if ur sick#but puking is my limit i genuinely couldn't do it#anyway.#normal adult experience#doctor who told my mom i was high functioning i want our money back
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Hmmmmm I might be developing facial hair. Which like, the gender euphoria of that aside, I might have to bring this up to my mom cuz idk. Idk if this is a sign of something I should have checked out or not.
#ramblings#uhhhh ok i dont talk abt this a lot Karl Lore Time#ive had some noticable Stash going on w my upper lip hair for a while now and i have had to pull more coarse hairs from my jaw#and thats was like. normal i think that was normal#but im starting to notice darker hairs around the side of my face where like. sideburns would be as well as#the corners of my jaw yk. and its starting to like. Compound the more i notice things#feeling two emotions at once. joy at seeing myself get hairier (which. yay proof im Fucking Trans) and dread that this might#be a sign of something i should have checked out#tho im also scared of talking to my mom cuz im Fat and i dont wanna go to the doctor and have that come up. in any way#bc of reasons more complicated than i wanna bother with in the notes of my own post#euh. whatever. im gonna go back to living in the moment nd not thinking abt it. until it becomes harder to ignoreirhhhhhh
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doctor apt was shit but the ladies at the desk were cool and set us up for a better, nicer doctor next month so. we'll see how that goes but i can say i've never been so fucking flabbergasted in my life at the bullshit coming from a doctor's mouth and with the amount of medical trauma we have that is seriously saying something.
#mine#medical trauma//#not a soul in the medical field is ever fucking learning we're a system when we get the amount of bs we do#for having one of the most common mental disorders & taking the most common prescription for it.#the amount of misinformation MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS spew abt adhd is genuinely horrifying beyond our comprehension#i do not even wanna think abt the amount of bullshit we'd have to deal with for pursuing a professional dissociation disorder my fucking go#she rly said u dont need ur adhd meds every day#i have patients i give 30 day prescriptions to that last them 3-6 months!#& we were just. sitting there. utterly horrified.#how are u even a practicing doctor at that point u cannot be serious#she also said she has a policy where she refuses to prescribe controlled substances w/out diagnosis paperwork#which like. whatever thats fine#but we were not told that ahead of time & she proceeded to give us an appointment THREE MONTHS LATER#like.................... literally basically just trying to sign us up as another sacked experiment bitch i do not fucking think so#what the fuck
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i know hating on Kai Winn is like lame and uncool and nobody supports women's wrongs of me but she's like if they put my mother in my television
#ikildaman shut the fuck up#“doctor...... i wont forget what you said today” stop vaguely threatening peop;le im gna facking hit something#punch me in the face already the constant social tension drives me to incise#also shes literally a villain hop off my dick abt being a hater thats what im slurpposed to do#how is cunning conniving malicious vindictive delusioned vaguely-spiritual insufferable white lady like a genre of person#oh and blonde. you cant forget that part#its genuinely so uncanny seeing kai winn do her thing its like the writers had my mother in their lives#like i know every person fulfills a genre of person and whatever but its just so. specific. UGH!#someone made a garak watchlist someone should make a kai winn watchlist#recent events make it salt the wound#ds9
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Images that aged like a fine wine
#like ok I literally can’t get over this. I LITERALLY LIKE HIM N DONNA IS ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVS. HOWEVER#it’s CRAZY to be like he gets special treatment bc he’s my little guy#also someone said if chibnal had done this ppl would have been so mad and I can’t stop thinking abt that. lmao#HERES THE THING TOO I thought it was stupid but whatever when I saw it and then seeing everyone act like it was a genius move online is#what pushed me to be like. ok now I’m mad#cause like it’s doctor who it does silly stupid bad choices all the time. but usually people don’t gargle it’s cock over it. anyway#warlock wartalks
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i think the craziest thing about the clinical trial ive been in all summer is its at my primary care where i get my hrt and stuff through & in the binder theyre maintaining for me is a big sticky note that says HE/HIM in all caps AND they asked my preferred name on day 1
and not once the whole time have i been gendered or named correctly even once. by the nicest people in the world. genuinely i think its because the main nurse is one million years old and like. not really entirely all there . imo . but still like thats crazy idc if i get deadnamed or misgendered or whatev but like at least dont ask me if ur not gonna care LOL
#also the mortifying experience of being partially nude in front of a stranger like day one but we domt need to talk abt that yet#i hate. doctors so much idk if i have like Medical Trauma or whatever but i sure dont seem to have a good time in clinical settings!!#AND THIS IS THE PLACE THAT MIGHT REMOVE MY UTERUS. WHICH LIKE YAY AND ALSO ... PLS BE NORMAL#medical#vent#im fine im just like. Thinking Abt It bc the trial ends at the end of august
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blows everything up w my mind i hate school i hate careers i just wanna draw pictures and play sudoku
#idk if i’ve said this before but basically my current college experience was like fuck around and get all ur basic classes oever w and#try out different intro classes for different majors and then like. literally last summer i just decided to choose psychology and god do#i wish i didn’t do that. like i kinda chose it bc of how much i liked my intro psych classes and bc of how fast i’d be able to get it#compared to like other degrees but like. what if i actually hate everything and everyone that has to do w psychology#like i mean it’s not like i’m ever gonna go into counseling so like. my only option for this degree path is like post grad shit and even#then what can i even do w this. fucking. work for a school? do experiments? write papers?is that even what i want idfk#like honestly this degree feels so fucking useless i probably would’ve been the same amount of feeling fucked but like slightly#more happy abt it if i decided to be an art major#ugh i fucking hate school like u’d think w how everything played out for me that i’d feel accomplished or smth bc like i just turned 20 and#im set to get my dumbass bachelors like. in a couple weeks but i feel like a failure i have 0 plans i hate every decision i have ever made.#but also like idk if i even have like the energy for more school. or the patience or the motivation or whatever. like even if i go for that#sexology program that’s online it’s still only a masters and im probably gonna need a doctorate if i decide to commit to this shit and#like idk if i have the energy for all that shit. or if i even care enough to do all that. but also i don’t rlly have any other better#options do i? fucking. i don’t know what to do. explodes everything w my mind 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥💥
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#aaaand that's 2 doctors that think i have bipolar ii 🙃#so the conceptualize rn would b that my mood is fucked but im using ocd to keep myself contained withing sorta normal parameters#which. i mean. that does kinda fit with observationally. i would create rules around: u arent allowed to get excited abt things u arent#allowed to enjoy things bc u cant handle it. u cant b normal abt how u enjoy things. or bc when i go to enjoy a thing#my mood is caped at being lightly miserable so its like well fuck being around ppl it makes me feel nothing#bc my focus and energy swing around like the light on a lighthouse. and in between that im miserable or feel nothing#and if its true that i am bipolar the reason i never noticed would b bc i very rarely experience euphoria. mostly i have high energy and#dont feel good. just fucking out of control. so mixed episodes i guess. but like idk. i guess i just think of bipolar as being extremely#destructive. and i mean r my mood issues a problem? yes. sometimes a really big problem. but idk. im still resistant to thr idea#lots of ppl get misdiagnosed as bipolar even tho the presentation is so specific. i guess i just doesn't wanna accept it and then have to#have been wrong if i was misdiagnosed. but i mean 2 doctors independently listened to me and thought hm sounds like bipolar so maybe im#just being stubborn. also no one else in my family thst i kno of is bipolar. ive got 2 uncles with adhd but not bipolar relatives#i dunno. i guess it doesn't matter so long as i can get it under control. im good at control. destructively good at control#unrelated#i guess its more that ive never done anything life ruining bc of my moods#mostly i just dont sleep much and make myself crazy. so ill probably die an early death or whatever lack og sleep causes rio#i meant rip lol
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okay listen i do think the scene is very adorable and i would not change it but i AM a pedant and a definite article is like by definition not a pronoun is it
#'pronoun' is becoming a word for like a gender thing rather than a grammar thing and#it makes for some kinda nonsensical sentences sometimes#i guess you can make a neopronoun that is 'the'#but like 'my chosen pronoun is the definite article. i am always The Meep' okay that doesnt say anything abt your pronouns tho?#and what they took that to mean is that the meep doesnt use pronouns only the meeps whole name#which is like. great. but thats not what the meep said really is it??#or when the doctor goes 'oh i do that'#like. very cute. very adorable. i love it. but also babe no you dont?#you just take whatever pronouns people give you?#you dont even insist on 'the' before doctor when people call you they skip the 'the' most of the time!#anyway. pedantry
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this is so. fucking stupid
#ive got it on 1.75x speed which is honestly too fast but god this is intolerable#its so overly serious like who ASKEDDDDDDD#and also like. it does the thing where the doctor has to persuade some fuckin historical figure to do the thing that actually happened in#history and its like oh my GOD shut the fuck up#that trope fucking sucks if you dont do it right and honestly i think its a godawful trope#and everyone needs to stop fucking using it UNLESS its funny like it works if its funny eg 11 telling nixon to tape everything#but not if its serious if its serious its just condescending tbqh!!!#also its like blah blah WWII history whatever the FUCK and donna doesnt know anything about the historical figures involved#like doesnt even know the names and the doctor is lowkey like Donna whats wrong with you this is YOUR PLANET#but it comes across as so condescending bc 1) it is 2) also lowkey smells of misogyny 3) i myself dont know who the historical figure is so#it just comes off as so idk. just so annoying like shut up its not like its winston fucking churchill#like. i looked and the guys wikipedia page is short as fuck AND under external links theres a documentary abt him from cambridge that#literally calls him ''d-day's forgotten man''#so its like. why the fuck are you acting like i should definitely know exactly who he is then....... are you stupid................#the nemonite invasion#ari opinion hour
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