#this is all part of my dastardly and clever plot to get more people into derelict + ethics town btw.let me know if its working

[grimalditeuthis]

oh the tragedy of a podcast character with a daughter..............

[foursaints]

“I don’t care what [Barty] says, Dumbledore’s not stupid”: On Barty as Machiavel

i think we're all forgetting the moment where harry explicitly draws a parallel between barty & remus and i wrote the world’s longest post about it 

under a close reading, moody!barty operates in a manner that is SO distinct from canon!moody, and i think it’s made especially apparent in the way he interacts with students & the virtues he emphasizes in his lessons. even when disguised, barty has a machiavellian tendency that comes through consistently in several different moments. 

i think this quote is a weaker example, but “very tactful” is NOT something that would be used to describe canon!moody under any circumstances. c!moody’s lack of social tact is a known characteristic, and barty uses his tactless reputation to get away with his machinations (see: the dustbin excuse, breaking into snape’s office, even the ferret to an extent).

on the other hand, BARTY is clever and subtle and manipulative, and we see this coming through in how he handles neville. the biggest difference between him and c!moody is the way that barty!moody tends to openly value or praise Cleverness & Craftiness above more moody-ish virtues like bravery, loyalty, or Taking Care of His Students’ Safety… but i think the most interesting part of all this is the way that harry reacts to it.

the hp books notoriously do this clumsy thing where the morality is starkly Black/White (as ursula leguin rightfully criticized). but seemingly arbitrary categories like “gryffindor” or “slytherin” are also conflated with this strict Good/Evil dichotomy. which results in these random-ass traits like “brave 😎🦁” and “cunning 💀🐍” also taking on moral associations within the world of the text (jkr has also done this with physical traits & racial stereotypes, which is vile) 

but an overarching theme in hp is harry grappling with this dumbass in-world black/white morality & unlearning part of it (ex: snape, the epilogue w albus severus about slytherin). but i think it’s sooo interesting that one of the few characters (aside from snape & dumbledore) to demonstrate & valorize a machiavellian tendency AND be admired for it (by harry) is LITERALLY barty jr. 

like! barty’s tact is not a good thing in-canon! he uses his tact to get away with murder & torture & elaborate terrorist plots (he’s part of a group of death eaters described as having "managed to talk their way out of azkaban” p. 527) but i looove that the same trait which allows him to do all sorts of Dastardly Evil is cast as positive and remus-like in this moment. obviously i don’t think jkr was doing of this on purpose, but i love how these little things are unintentionally more compelling than whatever the hell she was trying to do with snape. and it goes deeper!!

this moment is especially telling of barty’s character, to me. subbing out the names, “I don’t care what [Barty] says�� Dumbledore’s not stupid” is a CRAZY line. 

it’s lowkey THE barty!moody thesis in comparison to c!moody: nothing we’ve seen from c!moody would even remotely suggest that he’d EVER imply that dumbledore is stupid. (c!moody adopts the “it’s imperative that we blindly trust dd’s mysterious plans” attitude that most of the adults in harry’s life take, that hermione re-emphasizes here). but barty’s attitude is something that harry heavily fucks with in this moment!! 

that’s all i really have to say about The Implications or whatever. but i want to call more attention to moments in canon where barty’s tendencies shine through his disguise because (unlike most marauders characters) his personality is really fleshed-out. especially this aspect of it. my silly 

i. "mind works the right way, granger"

barty speaking about dumbledore like he’s stupid (💀) is enjoyable for several reasons up to & including how big-dicked it is of him, but most importantly i think it’s symptomatic of an overarching theme of his character. in GOF, barty has a tendency to take stock of the people around him, according to what appears to be a really concrete & consistent set of internal values: he values cleverness matched with a certain degree of ruthlessness. 

this bit with hermione is fun. there are about ~6-7 other instances where he praises cleverness, but that’s not really a unique or noteworthy thing to value? but the phrasing in this quote is my favorite. i know that it’s in reference to the skillset required of an auror, but the phrasing of “mind works the right way” can be applied to so much of barty’s character if you reach hard. i love that barty’s language almost casts the mind as something rote & mechanical which can function right or wrong. 

but anyway it only becomes interesting when placed in context of THIS earlier interaction: 

there are endless ways barty could have gone about guiding harry to use his firebolt here, so his specific phrasing holds a lot of weight to me. (keep in mind: he’s prompting harry to feel that he came up with the firebolt/accio idea, but this whole plan was concocted by barty himself much earlier. he’s on the “convince harry to do my broomstick dragon thing” step of his overarching scheme) 

in a sense, by “inspiring” harry to do what HE already independently decided was best, he’s sort of… giving away his own reasoning, a little? the italicized emphasis on enabling oneself to “get what you need” feels… unnecessary, in context? i love that THAT is where emphasis slips into his voice because it betrays his values. 

barty’s Revenge Scheme is insanely fucking convoluted, but at every stage i think that logic is there. in his villain monologue where he rehashes the deranged level of micro-managing he was doing to get harry to resurrect voldemort, at every individual step he was following his own advice. to barty, sometimes murder is just the Simplest Spell to Get What He Needs. 

according his own advice, barty sees the clearest path between two points, and generally has 0 ethical qualms about closing that distance by the Simplest means possible. he later confirms this by describing harry’s morality introducing complications as “contend[ing] with [his] stupidity” (676) 

ii. “good boy,” growled [barty]. “i can make good use of this…”

the scene where barty acquires the marauders map is CRAZYY.. for a moment, barty is so excited & taken aback that we see a few of his genuine reactions. i love that absolutely nothing manages to faze him EXCEPT genuine delighted shock over an interesting new tool he can implement in his schemes. (sidenote: he probably recognized the marauders’ nicknames, which is so funny)

that fact that we have a canonical barty crouch jr “good boy” makes me claw at the walls. anyway. i feel that i don’t need to explain how “i can make good use of this… this might be exactly what i’ve been looking for” supports characterization of barty as a scheming little machiavel because it’s pretty much explicitly stated right there. 

but this quote stands out for his genuine preoccupation with it. from the instant that barty sees the map, his eyes don’t leave it— his eye “whizzed over [it’s] surface” (491), he questions harry about how his name appeared when he searched snape’s office (”’Crouch,’ he said. ‘You’re— you’re sure, Potter?’” (491))— all while harry is sinking into a trick staircase & getting concerned that moody is ignoring him.

“penetrating glare” ← top barty rights! 

the image of him getting new information, questioning harry about it tactfully, and then spending A FULL MINUTE silently integrating it, is one of my favorite instances of him in the book… it’s like you can hear the gears in his head whirring. i like that we can see this type of assessment that he does extends to other people, when he turns it on harry and “size[s] him up”. 

AND ALL OF THIS IS WITHOUT EVEN GETTING INTO WHAT HIS LESSONS WERE LIKE

this post is long enough as it is! but all that’s left to say is that barty will always be at his most interesting when you pay attention to canon… there’s another longpost that could be written about barty!moody’s differences in disposition. the jokes he cracks, his relative lightness, and the sheer number of times he was openly like “FUCK the law i do what i want” (while literally masquerading as a literal wizard cop) are so intriguing. but that’s for another time 

[365days365movies]

January 15, 2021: Casino Royale (2006) (Part 1)

So...we meet again, Bond. What’ve you been doing for the past few years?

...What. Not who, James, WHAT. Jeez.

Whatever. BrosBond had 3 movies after GoldenEye, and they were...not great, from what I’ve heard. Remember, I wasn’t as big of a fan of GoldenEye as many critics and fans were; so, I can’t imagine what I’d think of the latter three. Maybe one day, but not today!

Today, I’m focusing my sights on the revitalization of the brand. See, in 2002, Die Another Day came out, and that movie was apparently crazy. TOO crazy. So crazy, in fact, that audiences and critics accused it of losing the plot, and the production studio in charge (Eon Productions) had a yearning to change direction. And their inspiration came from...a surprising place.

See, Joel Schumacher’s campy, over-the-top Batman films were basically wiped out by Christopher Nolan’s 2005 reinvention of the character in Batman Begins. Which is, in my opinion, a highly underrated classic, Seriously. And in 2005, this film was absolutely a smash-hit. Batman was cool again, which a lot of people never thought would happen in film. Eon saw this, and thought...how can we apply that to Bond?

Out with Brosnan...in with Craig.

The first of the new, darker, reinvented Bond films is planned for release in 2006, starring Daniel Craig as the suave, sophisticated spy. And the director of the film was selected to be...Martin Campbell? From GoldenEye? The guy who kinda sorta started the modern over-the-top Bond? Really? I mean, OK. The writers this time are different...except for one. I didn’t talk about the writers last time because I don’t like putting people on blast if I don’t gotta. This time...maybe. We’ll see.

If this Casino Royale is basically Bond Begins, I’m definitely interested. Maybe this’ll revitalize that Bond-love from the Connery days. Let’s find out! We’re also gonna look at the Bond checklist again!

Gadgets: better have more cool gadgets than GoldenEye, I swear...

Bond Girl: GoldenEye’s Natalya wasn’t bad, to be honest; let’s see who his Inevitable Love Interest is this time.

Villain: Alec Trevelyan had so much potential. I need my dastardly villain, let’s do this. Oh, and let’s throw the henchman in here, too. Xenia Onatopp was...a lot...but she was a memorable henchman, at least.

Music: Of course. GoldenEye’s theme was good, and we’ll see how 2006 does.

OK, movie time. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

We start at an office building in Prague, where a man makes his way up to his office. Waiting there for him is, of course, James Bond (Daniel Craig). The man is Dryden, section chief at the British Embassy in Prague, whom M has accused of selling secrets, a big no-no. But Bond...isn’t a double-0 agent. Huh. You got me interested.

Apparently, agents get the two zeroes once they’ve killed two people on file. James hadn’t killed anyone...until recently. Which is when we get this.

OH SHIT

This is an absolutely BRUTAL fight. It’s not choreographed flashily, it’s not pretty...it’s rough. It’s intense. And it’s...oh my God, wow. Made me feel it. And what’s astonishing is that it’s SO short.

On learning this, Dryden tells him not to worry, the second one is...

...YOU GOT ME. I’M IN FOR THE FUCKIN’ RIDE

HOW??? How is it that in 3 minutes of screentime, I’m already more satisfied by Craig’s Bond than I was for the ENTIRETY of GoldenEye? That is masterfully done, right off the bat. WOW. We even get a smooth-as-silk segue into the classic bullet turret sequence, and that takes us right into the song and opening credits. And...wow.

Here’s the thing about Bond openings, as I mentioned last time: they were all directed by one guy up until GoldenEye, and were basically all silhouetted women with themes and scenes from the movie projected around them. The Brosnan movies followed suit, always having silhouetted women in one way or another. Die Another Day used CGI women and...a really bad Madonna song. It was...it is NOT GOOD, guys. Look it up, it’s the most 2002 thing I’ve ever heard.

But here’s the fin bit about Casino Royale. This is the first Bond movie opening with no women in it. Yeah. It’s the first one. And the song is Chris Cornell’s You Know My Name, and it’s good! Not sure it’s going in my soundtrack, though.

Finally, the opening credits sequence itself: it’s once again Daniel Kleinman doing it, and it’s actually inspired by the first James Bond book Casino Royale, which had already had a TV special and unofficial Bond movie made from it! The cover had a playing card motif, and the opening carries over that motif creatively. I really dig it, if I’m honest! Definitely a welcome break from the 44 years of Bond films preceding it.

Uganda! And we meet the villain of this film: Le Chiffre (Mads Mikkelsen). And GODDAMN if that isn’t a Bond villain! He’s a banker, making a deal with a rebel leader, Steven Obanno (Isaach de Bankole), via their liason Mr. White (Jesper Christiensen). Setting up an attack by supplying Obanno with money, he sells his stocks of a company called Skyfleet, knowing that they’re about to fail.

Meanwhile, a ferret’s fighting an Asian species of cobra. In Madagascar. My zoology senses are EXPLODING, OH my God. So much wrong there. Anyway, there’s a bombmaker in the crowd watching the fight. He’s being tailed by Bond and another agent, Carter, who tips off the guy by being a bad spy. Bond chases him to a construction yard. What now, James?

Awesome. Why is this awesome when I said that the tank was dumb? Because at least it makes sense for a bulldozer to go haywire in a construction yard, just sayin’. Plus, this dude clearly isn’t the best, as he fires on construction workers and cops.

Eventually, this chase sequence brings us to the top of a crane, where this exchange happens.

I, uh...I love this movie already. That’s goddamn great.

The chase scene as a whole is also fantastic, as it continues off the bridge and into an abandoned building, then escalates into the streets, brings in law enforcement, and eventually ends with Bond at an embassy, facing down both the military and the bomb maker. He kills the guy, shoots some gas tanks, grabs the bomb, and then gets the hell out of there.

...Y’know what, that was fucking amazing, but he also almost certainly caused an international incident there. And I should be annoyed about that, but guess what! It makes sense! This is an inexperienced Bond, one who’s JUST been promoted to 00 status as 007, as the prologue explained. So, y’know what? I’m into it!

Cut to a yacht, like you do in a Martin Campbell Bond film. There, we have our villain, Le Chiffre, playing a card game. Also, he weeps blood. Yeah. HE WEEPS BLOOD.

OK, if that isn’t some Bond villain shit, I don’t know WHAT is. He’s also asthmatic, because I love it. I love it so much. He’s a mathematically-brilliant asthmatic that weeps blood. More, please. 

He’s also a person aware of what Bond did at the embassy, as it’s already become an international incident! Thank you for showing consequences, movie! Damn! I love it! This has two additional consequences. One, Le Chiffre notes that the code “Ellipsis” used by the bomber may be soon to expire, indicating a connection between the two. And the second consequence? M’s pissed.

M! DAME JUDI DENCH! One of my favorite things about GoldenEye was bringing in Judi Dench as M, and she made it through the reboot! And she’s still as entertaining as she was before, calling Bond out for his stupidity, and explaining that she misses the Cold War.

In her apartment, M does her normal exposition schtick, and her interactions with Bond are fantastic here. She’s understandably angry at him, and gives him what for, but she’s also clearly impressed that he FIGURED OUT WHERE SHE LIVES, as well as her REAL NAME. Shows her opinion of Bond and aspects of Bond’s character in a single, masterful stroke. 

Well. Goddamn. Done.

The Bahamas! Bond’s here to find Alex Dimitrios (Simon Abkarian), a Greek businessman who’s believed to have a connection with Le Chiffre himself. And, as James Bond is wont to do, he finds him at a party, playing cards. And here’s where the reinvention of Bond comes full circle.

See, Bond’s doing all the typical Bond things, yeah. But there are some differences present here, as well as some neat nuances. Bond isn’t wearing the suit, first of all. He actually hasn’t worn a suit the whole movie, which makes perfect sense for a spy. Suits aren’t exactly the least conspicuous thing in the world; bound to get you noticed if you don’t want to be.

And then, there’s the girl. This is Solange Dimitrios (Catherina Murino), the wife of Alex who was treated BADLY by him at the party. That gives her a reason to take Bond’s offer for a ride to his place, outside of just his raw animalistic charm that he seems to have in some of these movies. Look at that, already more chemistry than he had with Natalya in GoldenEye.

And yes, this results in her cheating on Alex. Is her cheating justified from a moral standpoint? No, of course it isn’t. And of course, this leads to the typical Bond-handsome-sex-GOOD sequence, but again, some nuance here! First of all, he doesn’t win her over with corny clever lines, like what we saw in GoldenEye multiple ties. Second, this is actually all an attempt to get some infomation from her about her husband. Bond might be enjoying it, but his womanizing here actually has a purpose. And that’s rare!

That’s further punctuated by the fact that he STRAIGHT UP LEAVES BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENS. Yeah, she tells him that Alex just made his way to Miami, and he leaves! Dick move, yeah, but it makes sense! James isn’t here for pleasure, he’s here for work!

He follows Alex to a Bodies at Work exhibit (you know, the preserved and skinned cadavers put into poses that used to tour around the USA? I saw it in Times Square at the end of its popularity. A little ghoulish, maybe, but I think it’s pretty cool), where the two of them get in a very tense close-up knife fight in public.

Alex is dead, but not before passing off a package to someone else at the exhibition. Bond tails the guy to Miami International Airport, where the largest airplane in the world is set to be unveiled. Using the code sent to the bombers, Bond gets into the back, and goes to intercept the disguised bomber who’s set to blow up the SkyChonk (I mean it, that giant airplane is THICCC).

Time for another cool chase sequence! Some luggage is destroyed, along with a bus, the cops join in on the chase, an airplane is prevented from landing (making someone on that plane probably very upset), and Bond somehow manages to prevent the plane from blowing up. And it’s by the SKIN of his teeth, lemme tell you. Also, he blows up a dude with his own flashlight bomb.

Nice. Somehow, Bond isn’t arrested, and makes his way back to the Bahamas. And it looks like Solange isn’t the Bond girl after all. Because she was thought to be the information leak (which she was, to an extent), she was tortured to death. Whoof.

M’s in the Bahamas now, and the exposition continues. She’s done with Bond’s bullshit, and she plants a tracker under his skin. She explains that with the big boi plane destroyed, somebody stood a lot to gain financially from the stock crash to come. Except that the plane wasn’t destroyed, and that person lost $100 million by “betting the wrong way.”

That person, of course, was Le Chiffre, a manthematical genius and chess prodigy, who plays poker for fun, and plays the stock market with his clients’ money. Bond’s the best poker player in MI6 (a good addition that we already saw foreshadowed earlier! See what I mean?), and she’s sending him to a high stakes poker game that Le Chiffre’s looking to regain his money from. 

Bond FINALLY dons his suit, and gets on a train in Montenegro, where he meets...

Vesper Lynd (Eva Green). THERE’S our Bond girl! Although, there’s a reference to Miss Moneypenny in their introduction, which is interesting. But Vesper is an agent for the British Treasury, supplying the money for the buy-in for the tournament. And their conversation on the train...wow. Now THIS is chemistry, seriously.

Vesper’s a great character, and she gives Bond NO quarter. She reads his character, and calls him out very accurately. They also explain why both Bond and Vesper are good at poker: it’s all about reading people. I’m genuinely impressed by how this movie is put together, and how well-thought out Bond is as a character. And this is the dimension I love to see in a Bond girl as well!

GODDAMN, I am in love with this movie. More coming in Part 2!

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Movie Review: Scoob! (Spoilers)

Spoiler Warning: Alright so this isn’t the type of movie that really warrants two separate reviews, but because it was only released recently I feel a spoiler warning is warranted as I will be talking about specific points in the movie. So if you haven’t yet seen Scoob! and don’t want anything ruined before you do, go and watch then come back.

General Reaction:

So, I’m having a hard time really getting to grips with my enjoyment level of this movie. Because while I don’t think this was a bad movie by any means, I always wouldn’t rank it as one of my favourites particularly with this new wave of nostalgia-based movies that seems to be a thing in recent years.

Maybe the problem is I am not an avid Scooby-Doo fan, a lot of people may think that is sacrilege and I did grow up watching the original Scooby-Doo shows and movies, but I wasn’t as into it as I was other Cartoon Network shows or even other Hanna-Barbera properties.

On that note, something that fascinated me about Scoob! in its promo campaign outside of it being a stunning CG-Animation movie was the inclusion of other Hanna-Barbera properties. In the trailer it is simply Dynomutt, Blue Falcon and Dick Dastardly, the former two who I believe were spin-off characters of Scooby-Doo originally and Dick Dastardly who of course is Dick Dastardly. Wacky Races and its spin-off Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines were shows I was an avid fan of, but once you see the movie and you realise that Warner Bros. Animation is really pushing for a Hanna-Barbera cinematic universe to stem from this with the amount of references and cameos of other characters and properties it is fascinating to me.

For instance, The Amazing Spider-Man 2 attempted something similar by effectively shouting about the fact that this movie was supposed to not only set up a third Spider-Man movie but also a Sinister Six movie and a Black Cat movie, then it was revealed Venom and Carnage were supposed to come into play, but then the whole thing got canned because the movie tried doing too much too soon.

Here though, they are subtle references that, unless you know the characters, don’t really register. I mean one or two are really obvious like having this universe’s version of Captain Caveman be somewhat of an antagonist here...I will be talking about him further down...but there are also just simply posters and name references that catch your eye if you know the characters. I don’t know every Hanna-Barbera character but the one that did catch my eye was a cardboard cutout of Hong-Kong Phooey.

As for the actual movie from a storytelling perspective, again I never really thought there was anything that grand about Scooby-Doo in terms of how they told a story. It was one of the first “monster of the week” shows in how formulaic it was and there was almost always a predictable formula in how each character would play their part.

In hindsight to that, I do appreciate both this movie and the first live-action Scooby-Doo movie for actually making that a satirical plot point, but in not having that much of a plot to base the movie on...I mean you can tell this is really an origin story of sorts in that if they are planning a cinematic universe this is that first rock, but unlike Iron Man they never had that hook that made you want to see the story continue.

I guess you could compare it in-house to what the DCEU did with Man of Steel. I didn’t really need more from after seeing that movie but I did want to see what this universe’s versions of some of my favourite DC Characters would be like, in a way this is similar.

It does sound stupid but the plot very much feels like a Scooby-Doo movie plot, in that the movie opens with that classic “monster of the week” unmasking, but the main threat of the movie is a real monster with some type of supernatural mystical twist.

But also, in adding the entire universe of Hanna-Barbera characters to that, you also have the most blatant in-movie Warner Bros. promo campaign with so many of the studio’s other properties being name-dropped it was borderline laughable.

In terms of the actual movie experience, this isn’t the first time I’ve watched a movie for the first time not in the cinema but knowing that the movie should have been released in cinemas rather than me simply not seeing it for any reason was rather surreal and, I do feel that this is the type of movie that warrants an audience viewing rather than just me watching it in my bedroom.

I also feel I would have enjoyed it a lot more with an audience, particularly an audience that doesn’t mind slightly dated, cheesy or somewhat really obvious plot points at times. I kind of predicted every major plot twist in this movie, although a couple of them I feel the audience is supposed to know from the get go otherwise why make it so obviously unless your pandering to a really young audience that don’t have two brain cells to rub together and tell that Fred with a really sinister grin full-naming Scooby is really the main villain in disguise particularly when you just saw him do the same thing ten minutes before.

But anyway, rather then going character by character in this spoilery section I’m going to break it down into what I liked and what I didn’t like. There was nothing I loved but also nothing I hated.

What I Liked:

But in terms of the overall message of the movie, Scoob! really hammers home that old-school notion of Man’s Best Friend, and not just with Shaggy and Scooby which is all I will say on that.

Alright so this movie is obviously called Scoob! and focuses on Scooby as effectively the main character as well as his friendship with Shaggy. The two really are one character in that you can’t really imagine one without the other, and the movie really explores that in both good and bad ways...we’ll get to the bad.

As a dog lover and dog owner myself, this movie really spoke to me on that level and the bond that Shaggy and Scooby share I finally understood. In all other media for me it’s more a case of Scooby and Shaggy just being friends but here that bond goes deeper because you see them meet and you see them essentially become family.

I really didn’t like the plot device of making them fall out only to have them make up later, it just is a very lazy trope at this point particularly as I’ve already seen it in a Scooby-Doo property before.

But they do kind of explain why it is necessary and why it happens because while they do have their friends at Mystery Inc. Shaggy and Scooby had no one before having each other, so when one feels like they’re drifting apart something flips and they get very possessive.

Also that ending, I mentioned this movie has a lot of things thrown in but while Hanna-Barbera and Warner Bros. references are kind of in sync with this movie, how about Greek mythology to the point where they effectively summon the Underworld to Earth!

I’m a massive Greek mythology fan, and seeing the main monster of this movie actually being from Greek mythology and animated so beautifully is why this is in the good section, even if the Underworld actually looked like the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin.

The voice cast for this movie is also unexpectedly brilliant. A lot of people may complain that the original cast who are still all alive, I think, weren’t asked back but outside of Frank Welker as Scooby I don’t think you really need them.

Zac Efron is one of those actors at the moment that can do no wrong for me, he can do comedy, he can do musical, he can do drama, he can do serious gritty drama. I really loved him as Fred here.

Will Forte didn’t fool me into thinking it was Matthew Lillard returning to the role because I feel his voice here wasn’t as squeeky or high as Lillard’s, but he still did a great job, Ian Armitage voicing the kid version was great too.

Gina Rodriguez is a choice for Velma not just because like a lot of these characters the classic Velma’s voice is very distinct and almost iconic but to actively race-bend the character and make her Latina I thought added some much needed diversity to this movie and the Hanna-Barbera universe in general.

Jason Isaacs as Dick Dastardly was really a fantastic choice both for the actor and for the character. There were times particularly towards the start when he made Dick sound like Captain Hook and even his design here is very Captain Hook/Gru esk rather than the lanky Dick Dastardly design, and I was missing his classic hat. But for me Jason Isaacs is at his best when he’s playing a villain.

On that note, Dee Dee Sykes and Dynomutt I thought were absolutely wonderful here, I’d actually say these two and Dick Dastardly were my favourite characters. All the D’s apparently.

Not only was it a teachable moment for me because I had to look up someone I was pretty sure was someone I thought they were in terms of me knowing Dee Dee originated in Captain Caveman and the Teen Angels, but here was on Blue Falcon’s crew with Dynomutt and no reference to Captain Caveman whatsoever I was okay with.

Also, I cannot believe I am saying this but, this movie actually made me like a Ken Jeong performance. I cannot stand this man, I do not find him funny, I do not find him entertaining, yet something about him voicing Dynomutt who originally I swear what meant to have the brain capacity I associate with Ken Jeong, but to make me like the character was impressive.

The final thing on my good list to mention is that opening sequence, after the very heartwarming opening scene of Scooby and Shaggy meeting and a Halloween setting of the team first coming together to battle a monster of the week in a It inspired haunted house, they show a shot-for-shot remake of the opening credits for the OG cartoon which is rather clever.

The only other voice actor to mention in the good section for me is Simon Cowell, not only do they have Simon playing himself in such a brilliant way but also his son Eric also voices a character, very brief and not central to the plot, but really a cute moment. Also I don’t know why but Simon in voice over sounds almost like a parody to Simon in live-action.

What I Didn’t Like:

Alright so these are really knitpicks but I think they’re worth noting in terms of moving this universe forward.

Scooby Doo is a dog, a talking dog yes but a dog none the less...so why the heck does he talk so much. I mean granted this is a universe with a robotic dog and a biped martial arts vigilante dog...but they never genuinely explain how Scooby can talk and while it’s understandable in the original cartoons as it’s mostly groans and the odd mispronounced word...here he was having monologues...also as a puppy he should have had a puppy voice, just saying.

As mentioned, I never really got into this franchise when I was younger so outside of Scooby and Shaggy I don’t really know these characters...but was Fred always so weirdly obsessed with the Mystery Machine? I get being happy with your vehicle but I thought Fred and Daphne were supposed to be the ship of this property...not Fred and the van.

I really really really really really really really really did not like the cop out ending they had, I didn’t let them get away with it in Stitch Has a Glitch and I am not letting them get away with it here. This big dramatic heartstring pulling thing happens, yet it’s almost immediately rectified with no solid explanation other then “we need to wrap things up”.

So to see one of these properties not authentically translate I thought was annoying, by which I mean Captain Caveman. Looks wise he is on point and I am fully aware that Mel Blanc is not going to rise up from the grave to voice him again, but the very essence of him being a caveman in his speech was not there for me here.

It would have been better if they allowed some time to go past and let the heroes stew in their sorrow before somehow discovering a way to fix things, but no it is literally as soon as the bad thing happens we are supposed to believe this was thought out?

My final thing is this. The Hanna-Barbera properties I grew up with are Scooby-Doo which I liked, Top Cat which I loved, Wacky Races which I loved, The Jetsons which I wasn’t as acquainted with as I would have liked to be, The Flinstones which I loved, Hong Kong Phooey which I liked and Captain Cavemani which I liked.

I’m sure Tracy Morgan is a likeable comedian, but then play on the comedy of the character and have him be like he originally was.

Hanna-Barbera Cinematic Universe:

I would love to see The Flinstones, Top Cat and the other Wacky Racers get this movie treatment. In fact if they market it correctly, Warner Bros. Animation could have a different genre movie for each property, be that comedy for Flinstones, action for Hong Kong Phooey, maybe a heist movie for Top Cat, sci-fi for the Jetsons, the list goes on.

As mentioned before, I do not see that groundwork for a cinematic universe here. Rather than it showing signs of being like the MCU I think it does stick more in-house as the DCEU by simply giving me the want to see other Hanna-Barbera characters inhabit this universe.

Do I feel this is the start of something big? No, do I feel there is potential here absolutely.

Overall I rate the movie a solid 7/10, it’s enjoyable, it’s cute, it’s family-friendly and I believe that’s its USP. It’s not a groundbreaking movie but it does have that cinematic universe potential and, as mentioned, I do look forward to see if more Hanna-Barbera properties get the same treatment.

So that’s my review of Scoob! What did you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Movie Reviews and other posts.

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, PHOEBE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF SALOME.

Admin Rosey: This was incredibly difficult. Both applications were stunning and shined in the limelight - but there were these small details, Phoebe, that you included that had us absolutely captivated. Salome, I think, is a difficult character to encompass so wholly while not overlooking the details. But you managed to do that, to tie her all together while not putting her in a package. The application was such a joy to read from beginning to end - the way that you tied so many different characters into her, into her future. It was an absolute thrill to read because I was able to see so much while still being tantalized by possibilities. I can’t wait to see how Salome shines on the dash! Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Phoebe

Age | 22

Personal Pronouns | She/her

Activity Level | Pretty active (6/10?) due to a national lockdown, but I’m a postgrad student so some days are busier than others.

Timezone | GMT

Triggers | REMOVED

How did you find the group?  | I check out the ‘new rpg’ tag a few times a year & your graphics and then everything drew me in

Current/Past RP Accounts | Masha Vetrova @ ProchnostRPG

IN CHARACTER

Character | SALOME

What drew you to this character? |  Typically I tend to go for characters who have a fundamental moral alignment of ‘good’ (even if it’s been a bit corrupted) so at first I was really drawn to Gabriel/Abaddon/Isolde. I even brainstormed them a bit before moving onto the demon bios.

But then I read Salome’s bio, and I really couldn’t get her out of my mind. There is something so delicious about her, so dastardly poetic. In a way, she’s as pure of heart as many morally good characters - patient, steadfast, true to herself. It’s just that her heart is a blackened one. A nature so rotted that even eternal damnation in Hell’s Abyss was not enough. The only fitting destiny was a demonic one, and the wings tore out of her body as if they’d been there, dormant, all along.

I know the story of Salome (thanks Oscar Wilde) & I just adore the way in which the bio weaves the biblical story into this world and this character. Salome the Temptress, unflinching as she demands the head of John the Baptist and damns all around her to Hell. This one line in particular from Rosey really, really captured it all for me:

No, the minute her mortal heart stopped beating and she opened her eyes to the fires of Hell, there was only laughter to be heard – pouring from her lips as melodic as a lark’s song, a stark contrast to the wailing and grinding of teeth.

Salome feels young and charming and spoiled and light and warm and content and this image - her descending into Hell, disrupting it with her peals of laughter - sums it all up. She is arrogant and uninhibited with her sins plain for all to see. But she is also clever. She is a girl who dances with the dead; demon through and through. She lets them openly see it so that they do not think to look closer. For if they did, surely they would see Salome was more damned than they’d ever envisioned? See that the open delight she projects - the laughter and fevered dancing, - all distract from a mind capable of cold, calm strategy? See that her hands are beautiful because they are stained with the first blood of this new world?

…All of which is to say that Salome the Temptress has worked that tempting magic of hers on me too - hook, line and sinker.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | If it serves your guys’ plotting vision then absolutely! I’d just ask to write the death scene/have some say in the way it went down. (The person killing her off better be prepared for the fight of their lives).

FUTURE PLOT IDEAS

• (small) PLEASURES •

Grand plans and power grabs are all very well, but day to day (on the dash lol) Salome is ruled by small pleasures and indulgences. What was the point of forging this new world if not to luxuriate in it?

01. I’m very curious to see how her relations with all the other demons play out. Salome is by and large a solitary creature - the natural result of her arrogance - but I think there are some demons she favours more than others. I could see a potential friendship (or the lesser version of that bond) with ORIAS, for one. There were those who saw something akin to witchcraft in Salome too. There had been envy, when Orias was hailed the Original Witch, but even Salome has come to recognise the ungodly power that resides in them. They are one of the only creatures that Salome has any real respect for. She understands that there is value to learn in what Orias can teach.They call them the false prophet - it seems poetic that Salome is drawn to her. (So ! Much ! Potential ! Witchy ! Power !)

02. So too can I imagine Salome having a particular curiosity towards MAMMON. Hungry and dark and empty, Mammon is probably Salome’s demonic ideal. With mortal origins herself, they represent a different kind of demon – one she thinks is utterly beautiful. Their future ambitions could align, both with a deep, aching appetites, but I can also see her purely enjoying the unique company of them. Salome does not treat her ability with any real respect or caution; she sees the dead as a game. think she’d genuinely delight in Mammon mimicking her gift and the amusements that could follow. (Ok not to say I’m suggesting deal body party games but it’s very that)

03. Salome gets equal pleasure (if not a great deal more) from less-than-friendly relations. She pushes purely because other people’s irritation amuses her. I think her relationship with AZAZEL in particular could be very, very fun. Of all the demons, I can see Salome having a particularly petty dislike / jealousy of Azazel for a few many reasons.. A) they are both products of indulgence, daughters of parents (literally and figuratively) who spoiled them rotten. Similarities repel and all that. B) Azazel is part of the de facto royal family, favoured by JUDAS.. and DAMIEN .. and ABADDON .. and Salome has not ever handled that well. She watched on as they, along with the rest of hell, fell for her and thus a time-old grudge was born. C) Azazel forms part of the Holy Land’s rulership. A land that was won because of Salome (in her mind) and one she feels has rights of ownership too. I imagine that Salome genuinely despises that the role was given to Azazel of all demons. I - I just sense so many great opportunities for both bickering and battling.

04. Salome draws great pleasure from her own magnetism. Devotion has followed her throughout the stages of her life, but it too has come to wax and wane. It is there in BASTIEN though, and it’s one of the connections I’m most excited for. He satisfies her addiction, and in return she is both doting and cruel. There is some value in him politically, bu it’i more of a .. personal connection. That could change though. Or, perhaps a genuine fondness might develop, in the same way that other celestial beings seem to be fond of their animal companions. A muted form of possessiveness over his gaze and his wonderment (which may well manifest in Salome having a particular resentment towards EVANGELINE) . If he were to share out his devotion, or if it was curtailed by any harm coming to Bastien himself, Salome would not be happy. Perhaps his attentions have come to somewhat satiate her appetite and tentatively restrains her darkest needs - a fact that neither of them have realised. (!!!!!)

• (medium) OPPORTUNITIES •

05. There are some things she keeps to herself - at least for now. There’s a lot of potential for self-paras or connections with the wider RP plot. To me, Salome has something akin to true addiction inside of her. It was there from the moment of her mortal birth, and it worsened with each hit. Essentially, I think an inescapable plot point is that Salome is a lil’ bit bloodthirsty. I think this would largely be developed through my own musings and mortals who are just ‘extras’ to this RP, but I’d love to deal with the intricacies of Salome having to cover this habit. Maybe she continues to use others as scapegoats; maybe she chooses her victims with careful attention so that they go unnoticed; maybe she does it in such a way that implies the presence of a beast or daemonium.

( In fact, the concept of the DAEMONIUM is verrrrrrrrrry intriguing. Creates who inhabit corpses and do nothing but feed their hunger? Sounds like a character I know. This is a potential plot point that relies on your guys’ vision and some collaborative world-building, but I think there is definitely exciting potential to explore these creatures through Salome. Imagine the carnage of her trying (successfully or unsuccessfully) to out-possess them.)

06. I think Salome would take any opportunity to poison Infernum’s highest-ranking. This isn’t so much be her political ‘end-goal’, but an opportunity for some real entertainment. It would be a game, try and crack the kinship that exists among  AZAZEL, JUDAS, DAMIEN and ABADDON; injecting a few words here, a few doubts there, and see if their loyalty lasts.. She knows Judas from a past life and has watched him oh so carefully overtheir many entwined centuries - I imagine she is a gnat to him, pushing all the right (and thus wrong) buttons. It would a sport to try and make his familial dynasty crumble. Perhaps she might attempt this by throwing doubt on to Abaddon in particular, whose aura contains a flatness that Salome cannot read. Salome doesn’t know of the goodness that lies in her, but perhaps she might find out. Regardless, I think Salome’s worst imaginable fate would be being locked in the Black Cells, unable to dance and revel in the world, so she harbours dislike for Abaddon anyway…

07. EPHEMERA is an opportunity that Salome had not anticipated. And let me tell you, boy do I adore this connection. It strikes me as a true clashing of teeth and spirits, but not as simple as one born from pure malice or hatred. Salome feels many things towards Ephemera, but she certainly doesn’t hate her - even if the ferocity between them implies otherwise sometimes. There’s a thin line between love and hate, as they say, though perhaps neither of those terms sum up Salome an Ephemera. It seems to be pure passion and temptation. I can’t say where this could lead without the thoughts of a possible Ephemera writer, but I’m sure it will be nothing short of explosive. I think this connection is the most Salome has ever felt towards another being, and that in itself is curious to her.

• (great) AMBITIONS •

The possible destinies of Salome. The following are all ways in which her story could play out, and all of them are quite dramatic. Who’s afraid of the big, bad plots….

08. Infernum technically has no throne. In order to thus claim it, perhaps one first has to be built? Salome would have no qualms choosing a side in another demonic cvil war. Why, if DAMIEN were to stake the claim of his birthright against JUDAS, he could count on Salome for support. If Judas were to live up to his title and betray the antichrist, he could count on Salome for support - if he got there before the other. Salome will happily help them consolidate a throne through bloodshed and betrayal. In fact, it will be her pleasure.

For through it all, Salome will be the demon who has thought to use MICHAEL. They are insufferable and righteous and (quite literally) archangel incarnate - really, if she had the chance, she knows that their blood would be the most utterly divine to spill - but they are useful. Undeniably powerful. Salome knows she must be careful here, but she enjoys the undisguised exasperation on their face. As if they have not yet thought to recognise the ambition that lies in both of them. If they helped her ascend to the throne of Infurnem, she would be a far more acquiescent to Caelum’s interests than the current leadership. Why? Because Salome would not act - would not even pretend to act - on behalf of demonic interests. If the best chance of her claiming ownership of the world depended on sharing it with Michael, then perhaps she would be willing.

09. But power can manifest in more than one way. She could follow such dreams, or she could become the world’s nightmares. And wouldn’t that be more indulgent? Where others hold power or peace as their prime ambition, Salome would get equal pleasure from the simple decay of all things. The world could rot and she would laugh - the dead are often better company than the living. Ultimately Salome would start another war without hesitation; she would sacrifice everything and everyone for the beautiful carnage of utter destruction. It had been so easy with the War of the Last Rites, but she had been disappointed when it ended in peace. That will not happen again; she will be ready next time. When all factions are suitably engaged, she will raise her own force and strike them all down together. — Such are her thoughts anyway. Thoughts that started developing when she met RYUK. To her, the power Ryuk holds is breathtaking. There is no other ability she desires quite as much. For if she were to contain both of their powers within herself, she would have dominion over a force so great that no living creature - mortal or immortal - could ever hope to defeat. The dead. It is a delicate strategy, but she has the patience for it. And if there was any who would spill the blood of a horseman just to see what happened, then it would surely be Salome.

10. Where there are mortals, there is faith. The relationship between Salome and the faith of the HUNDRED-EYED GOD intrigues me. In her mortal life, faith was an amusement. Its believers has been her playthings - perhaps they are again in this world. ISOLDE is as all prophets are; tempting. I think that Salome could potentially decide to join the faith – or give the impression to do so. Such a deceit would be fun and far from difficult - already she joins in on their rituals, her feet unable to stay away from any form of rhythmic movement, even ones more gentle than her usual tastes. A demon of relative influence, perhaps her faith would be welcomed amongst those most holy, perceived as a positive development in the faith’s recruitment. Perhaps she finds a currently unknown fellowship in the form of ESTIENNE, whose manipulation of the shadows surely speaks of some rot in his heart.

And all for one simple reason. Where there is faith, there are the faithful. Where there is the faithful, there is the potential for bloodshed so rich - so intoxicating - that she would play this long, patient game just to taste a singular drop. She has never been able to recreate the electrification of that first diabolical deed, when she claimed a saint’s head as her prize. She had danced and damned and thirsted ever since; the blood of an ALL-SEEING PRIESTESS might just quench such a need.

• (potential) DOWNFALLS •

Ah, but all of the above are just potential ideas. It is just as likely that Salome would be subject to some downfalls and some .. rude awakenings. I adore the fact that both MICHAEL and RYUK have such different perceptions of their connections. They are both far smarter than she gives credit. Michael is, ultimately, more powerful than Salome on more ways than one - they will surely outplay her as they have everyone, though she might be of some use to them too. In Ryuk, Salome has started a war she might live to regret - one she hasn’t even realised she’s fighting. She has perhaps been a little naive here, and it will be quite something when she realises.

There are other possible connections that could prove Salome’s downfall – or at least a be a hindrance. In my mind, it is GABRIEL, ZADKIEL and CAPHRIEL that she is most weary of. They each have a light to them that she does not care for, along with the arrogance present in all angels. I say in the following section that Salome has no fears; they represent the closest thing she has to possible concerns. I don’t think she yet knows any of them particularly well outside of the War, but she has thought of their powers. The latter two in particular harbour gifts that could, potentially, expose Salome, and thus she has developed a specific distaste for them. And of course, she probably finds them particularly fun to antagonise.

IN DEPTH

Driving Character Motivation | [TW: Implied suicide in section I ]

I think a large part of my attraction to Salome is that she isn’t really driven by an external force. Partly she is driven by the deep appetite within her (which I’ve mentioned more in other parts of this application) but I also think her motivations stem from her own intrinsic nature; she is pushed by her own heart towards ambitions that are mere extensions of her character. I think there are three central aspects of her character that best explain her motivations and actions: a complete lack of fear, an overwhelming self-adoration and a deep, petulant intolerance of monotony. Together, they’ve created a woman - a demon - amply motivated to do any of the above listed plot ideas.. One who simply does as she wants for no reason other than want itself. Below I’ve given three early examples (set in BP) of these traits taking root (and rot):

I • For what use is fear to those who are damned?

It was said that Jesus’ tomb lay empty. Through the wind Salome heard whispers of women who’d gone to mourn and found nothing - only stone and airwhere a pierced and bloodied body should have lain. It seemed the proclaimed child of God had evaded corporeal death yet again; that the words of the old, tiresome preacher whose head she once cradled had proved true. Their claims and their preachings were not false as her father had accused - but really, had not Salome always known that? Was it not she who had delivered John’s salvation, cast him up to his venerated Heaven? And as it happened - as both the head and the soul of John his body - had not she felt her own moment of pure, divine bliss?

It brought clarity; there was no hesitation in her now. She stood alone, looking out upon the depths of the Galilee Sea with an unconfined grin spread wide upon her face. She had known, always known, that the boredom of this life was only temporary. The adoration she received on earth had grown dull, she sought new, greater opportunities for her talents. There had existed a deep craving inside for as long as she could remember, one that had become increasingly difficult to satiate. It told her that her destiny lay outside of Heaven, that both the prophet and her father the king had been right to look upon her with fear. For if John and Jesus had ascended upwards, could she not leap down into her own descent? The idea of it felt so simple, so natural, so potentially powerful. Neither death nor the the promise of damnation brought her anything but intrigue. She thought of the wicked and the cruel, of the infernal depths to which she was bound, and felt only satisfied.

Mortal though she was, Salome was not afraid. Why should she fear her own destiny? Why should she fear for those she left behind? Fear had no place in a heart without hope. With a simple step, she threw herself into the icy water and waited to reach the blackest depths below.

II • For what use is love to those who are satisfied?

Where there was Salome there was laughter - her own, that was - sharp, loud and melodic. When she first opened her mouth it had sliced through Hell and turned all of its eyes onto her. Rightly so, for she she had laughed as she’d evaded Abaddon’s grasp, clawing herself out of the Abyss of mortal souls and claiming a rightful place in the depths of Hell. The Morningstar, sat above all, had not yet even spoken when Salome had started to dance.

She could feel Hell’s eyes on her, and what better way to greet such attentions than with that she did best. She had reaped rich rewards for it before, and she would do so again. A fleeting glance at her naked body showed her this realm had not dulled her beauty but made magnified it, her skin aglow with the fiery light of hellfire. And so Salome danced, feverishly but deliberately, losing herself in the spirit of the moment. What could anyone do but simply bask in the splendor of her new existence? As she raised her arms above her head, a pair of wings cut through her flesh and slowly tore out of her. Iridescent, they unfurled as if they too had felt the call of her movement.

A feast of celebration had followed. Salome could only laugh in delight as she looked upon demonic faces of adoration, gazes more alike than different to those she had received on earth. Seated at the left-hand of Lucifer himself, she had slotted into the natural order of Hell as if it had been her descent that had been prophesied on earth. How many in Hell, with all its angelic origins, had the blood of a true holy man on their hands? Perhaps just herself – and, she supposed, the man sat to the right of the Prince. Judas Iscariot. The Great Betrayer. A man she had known of in her mortality, a follower who’d wrought a downfall more entertaining than any Salome had otherwise witnessed. He looked on at her with a hard glint in his eyes and she merely smiled back - for Salome understood why. Here she was, a fellow mortal in Hell with infernal wings protruding from her back where Judas had none. It all made such perfect sense; Salome was truly different. Truly transcendent. Made and marked by forces darker then most of Hell could stand. In that moment (and all moments thereafter), Salome was acutely aware of the true power that resided within her, spilling out through her beauty, allure and wretched talents. Why, she was utterly glorious.

III • For what use is peace to those who are bored?

Eternity stretched out in front of her; memories of the wouldn’t fade. Of all the differences between immortal and mortal existence, it was only the nature of time that had ever frustrated her. To Salome, the centuries had passed by in both unfathomable speed and agonising monotony, the linearity of earth dead and gone. It seemed that in the face of an infinite future, even Hell could drag. It operated in a stasis that had begun to suffocate her and, gradually, had awakened once again an appetite that had only been temporally satiated. Lucifer dictated balance and moderation where Salome saw no reason for restraint. He had given her duties like none earth had ever dared, and she didn’t care to fulfil them. She had even grown tired of her puppetry, tired of dancing amongst such frustratingly passive bodies. There was, in a place of corruption, nobody left to actually corrupt; no opportunity to taste innocent or holy blood.

Over time she came to sense the quiet seeds of unrest in Hell, and she was gladdened by them. Once again a wicked smile graced her face, once again she twirled around the pits of Hell in anticipation. There was no better cure for boredom than chaos, and once she’d caught the scent of it her hunt could not be stopped. It had proven easy to have the whispers diverted and delivered to her ears - so many were under her spell, either terrified or infatuated. So Salome came to learn of plans of razing Hell against its master, ripping through worldly divides and claiming the earth she once lived on. At last - she could have wept from delight. And most entertaining of all, Salome had snatched the dice into her her hands.

How easy it would be to join the dissenters, to war with them against the order of Hell that had shackled her. How tempting it was, to dash their plans by raising her own blade to the Morningstar and plunging the world into carnage without warning. How fun, the thought of taking all she knew to Lucifer and laughing as he rained down revenge on the demons he had been foolish enough to trust. Impatient with monotony; patient in the face of action. Salome did not yet know what she would do, and she found utter delight in the potential of it all.

PARA SAMPLE

The Holy Land was not suited to revelry. It lacked the vitalityand decadent excessthat a true celebration required. And really, wasn’t this her domain? Nobody got more unadulterated pleasure from a celebration than Salome - she doubted that even the festivities of the Stygian Moon would be of renown without her inputs. This particular affair was proving even more tiresome than she’d foreseen. Every year she stands under the Triune Moon and watches as solemn vows are sworn; every year she wonders why they could not just be done so in private, sparing them all this tedium. She had said as much to Damien before as they had departed the comforts of the Black Palace, and had received little more than a scowl in response. But she knows her point has more merit than they’d care to admit. How long before these promises of harmony are exposed as a farce? At least that year promises some true entertainment.

Salome thinks all this as she watches the stage in front of her, eyes lazily switching between the three figures who stand upon it. The Sun, the Moon, the Stars; every pair of eyes in the sweeping crowd are trained on them. Salome can feel them. Or rather, she can’t feel the usual warmth of infatuated gazes on her own skin. Here she stood amongst hoards of mortals and beings more lowly than herself, and none were paying her their usual bouts of attention. The only thing that prevented a quiet tantrum was the knowledge that she was far from alone in feeling this agitation. Her stare flickered from the stage towards the figures of both Michael and Judas, and she could not help but smile. To eyes that had repeatedly examined them over centuries, the rigidity of their bodies betrayed them. She was far from the only one who felt the absence of centrality, and that, at least, brought her some pleasure.

Still, she only has so much patience for ceremonies not directed at her.  Yet no sooner did she shift to exit the crowd than did words delivered on the stage give her pause. Azazel’s voice, suitably haughty, repeating the typical sentiments of the Holy Land. This was the ‘Age of Peace’, Salome hears her say. Only the ‘cooperation of all factions and the formation of the tridium’ had rendered them ‘triumphant against the heretics who would cast all into darkness.’ This time she cannot hold in the delicate laugh that ripples through her. If only the annual repetition of such statements made them true. If only they knew of the true origins of the War that brought this so-called peace, of where the credit should rightfully lie. Though she knows it would be foolish - more than foolish - Salome can think of nothing but how simple it would be to stand above all and confess. She’d let them savour the details of her sins and her glories. She would laugh as they wilted under the weight of her revelations.

‘I’ve never seen you look so engrossed off of the battlefield.’

Her imaginings are cut off by quiet words from behind her. She needs not turn to identify the voice of Ephemera, familiar as it has come to be. Salome had, of course, seen her across the crowd - when did her eyes start to automatically seek her out so? - but marked her presence as an occupation for later. That Ephemera sought her out first is not necessarily unexpected, but certainly thrilling. There is no other presence that can so easily bring Salome out of a petulant mood, just as there is no other who can so easily put her in one. But she has found that where there is Ephemera, there is entertainment to be had.

“You have not seen me do many things,” she replies easily, as if they had long been having this conversation, “though I do believe I’ve offered.” And she has, more than once, tried to entice her with offers of dancing and hunting and enjoying all the vices of the world they fought for. She turns her head slowly to meet the watchful gaze of her once fighting-partner, a smirk on her lips as she widens her eyes in faux-innocence. They are two alike; mortals once but mortals no more, the first of their kinds. She knows Ephemera will not rise to her bait within the presence of other Angels, which only heightens her simpering expression. Salome has no such qualms about the thoughts of her own kin; their talk excites her, their gossip only confirms how many pay her heed. She has found no simpler joy than that of walking into the Black Palace and leaving excited whispers in her wake.

“I’m sure you’ll agree that celebrating won wars is less fun than waging them’, she continues, amusement ringing clear through her voice as she returned her gage purposefully to the stage. “I asked Azazel if she might add some zeal - perhapsmake those hounds do some tricks - but she seems to have ignored my good wishes”. Salome can feel the rolling of Angelic eyes next to her without even looking. It was so easy, so predictable, and yet anything but boring. That was the real curiosity of Ephemera, so easy to reel in and yet so resistant to truly jumping off the edge. She seemed halfway caught between accepting Salome’s allure and running from it, and the resistance only increased her desire. “Though your one is the more dull, I believe. So earnest - it’s quite exhausting.”

It is clear that Ephemera is acting advisor and strategist rather than - what? Friend? Enemy? Something in between? - whichraised the question as to why she had approached her in the first place. She thinks to ask, but when she opens her mouth to do so the crowd erupts in an applause more loud than she thinks the show was worthy of. Still, she brings her own hands together for the sheer relief that it is finally over. Her feet ache from standing bored for so long, her wings want to stretch open and wide. She wonders if a large enough quantity of alcohol might loosen Ephemera a little, but when she turns to declare this she finds that her companion has disappeared in the movement of so many people. A pity, but no real matter. She has never needed the company of others to create her own sport.

EXTRAS

[ My (WIP) pinterest for Salome can be found here. ]

Salome keeps no animal companion, for she has never felt much love for the nature of the earth. She finds it amusing that some Angels and Demons belittle themselves by keeping one. However, it is not an uncommon sight to see Salome walking with crows flying above her. Only on closer inspection would one realise those animals are but corpses, a puppetry Salome (alone) finds humorous.

Like all parts of herself, she harbours great love for her wings, and not only for the damnation that they represent. They are formed of what resembles a netting of fine, golden spider’s web. They seem to constantly change in the light, appearing to be more transparent than they are solid. Regal and beautiful, they are as Salome sees herself.

She is a fierce fighter and a connoisseur of bloodshed. Her weapon of choice is a trailing point blade, forged on the day of her arrival in Hell. She uses it exclusively for more.. intimate situations, and favours instead a simple longsword on the battlefield. She is however, proficient with most weaponry, as the corpses she can make fight use the same weapons they died wielding against her.

Though Infernum is the home she helped carve out, Salome spends a great deal of time in Sanctus Terra and travels to Caelum whenever the opportunity presents itself. Both locations amplify an itch deep within her soul, worsening her desire and thereby bringing greater satisfaction when she finally acts on the urge. She has not spilled any angelic blood in Caelum, though the temptation is strong, for she knows Michael has become astute to her presence. She has left a fair few victims in Sanctus Terra, a pursuit which has become less satisfying overtime. Still, Salome is careful. For all their talk of kinship, she is not sure that her fellow demons would refrain from locking her in the Black Cells if they had just cause.

[ aaaaaaand I leave you with the last verse of ‘Salome’, a poem by Mary Lamb. I honestly can’t describe it as anything over then *chef’s kiss*. I don’t know if Rosey read this when she was writing Salome’s bio, but I thought the writing style and tone and vibe and all beautifully mirrored each other?? Stunning. On that note, regardless of whether of not you think I’m right for Salome, thank you for the obvious amount of time/thought you’ve all put into this because it’s been really (really) fun to explore. ]

When painters would by art express Beauty in unloveliness, Thee, Herodias’ daughter, thee, They fittest subject take to be. They give thy form and features grace; But ever in they beauteous face They shew a steadfast cruel gaze, An eye unpitying; and amaze In all beholders deep they mark, That thou betrayest not one spark Of feeling for the ruthless deed, That did thy praiseful dance succeed. For on the head they make you look, As if a sullen joy you took, A cruel triumph, wicked pride, That for your sport a saint had died.

[maddie-grove]

My Top Ten Victorian (Ish) Romance Novels

Notes: Queen Victoria’s reign lasted from 1837 to 1901, but I learned in a literature class that sometimes the Victorian era is defined as lasting from 1832 (when the First Reform Act was passed) to 1901 (when Victoria died). When it comes to historical romance novels, I think the second definition works better; a romance set in 1831 usually comes at the tail end of a series or universe beginning in the 1810s/1820s and still has a Regency flavor, while a romance set 1832-1836 has a decidedly non-Regency feel. Incidentally, I’ve noticed that 1830s-set Harlequin Historicals are labeled “1830s,” rather than “Regency” or “Victorian.” No one knows what to do with the 1830s! Also, many of these novels are set in the USA. Three are specifically set in Chicago, which is kind of weird!

1. The Heiress Effect by Courtney Milan (2013) 

Exact Setting: 1860s England.

Premise: Politician Oliver Marshall has ambitions of enacting egalitarian laws, including the proposed Second Reform Bill, but his illegitimate birth and non-aristocratic upbringing make that an uphill battle. Then a marquess makes him a peculiar offer: in exchange for supporting the Second Reform Bill, he wants Oliver to publicly humiliate Jane Fairfield, an heiress who is despised by high society for her bad taste and oblivious rudeness. Oliver, too often the object of aristocratic bullying, has no desire to harm Jane, but he doesn’t feel that he can refuse the marquess outright. Then he realizes that Jane isn’t what she seems; instead, she’s a brave, clever, lonely woman who’s putting on an act so she can stay unmarried and continue protecting her younger sister. Also, he likes her and finds her wildly attractive, despite her nightmarish fashion sense.

Why I Like It: This is my favorite romance EVER. Jane is an all-time-great heroine: intelligent enough to engineer a complicated marriage-repellent scheme (and change it when circumstances require), strong enough to expose herself to ridicule out in the world (and come home to an uncle who thinks she’s inherently a bad person), and vulnerable enough to break your heart. Oliver, a bruised idealist who must reassess his go-along-to-get-along approach, is nearly as compelling. Their romance is full of top-notch banter and solidarity in the face of a world that wants them to be enemies. And there are almost too many excellent subplots to count: Jane’s sister’s secret romance with an Indian student at Cambridge, Oliver’s younger sister’s foray into activism, and Jane’s brittle frenemy-ship with the Johnson twins, to name a few.

Favorite Scene: The first time Jane drops her act in front of Oliver, or the defeat of the marquess.

2. A Hope Divided by Alyssa Cole (2017)

Exact Setting: North Carolina, USA, during the Civil War.

Premise: Marlie Lynch's life has always been complicated. The daughter of a free Afro-Caribbean root worker, she spent half her childhood with her mother before being sent to live with her white paternal relatives. Now she works for two different secret organizations: the Underground Railroad (with the help and approval of her white abolitionist sister) and the black-Unionist-run spying organization the Loyal League (with the knowledge of no one). When she’s not doing that, she’s pursuing her scientific interests while still honoring and using her late mother’s rootworking practices. Her situation becomes even more fraught when she agrees to harbor Ewan McCall, an escaped Union POW, in a secret chamber behind her bedroom wall. They bond over their shared intellectual interests, but is there any time for romance when Marlie’s home is being overrun by loathsome Confederates?

Why I Like It: Many historical romances have good love stories but don’t do much with the setting, while a few excel at portraying the past but fail at creating a compelling central relationship. Alyssa Cole’s Loyal League novels are the total package, and the Southern-Gothic-tinged A Hope Divided is the standout among them. Marlie and Ewan’s courtship is portrayed with tenderness, intelligence, and delicacy. Cole brings just as much sharpness and nuance to her portrayal of the time and place, representing groups of people who tend to disappear in popular discussions about the Civil War. I also really appreciate Ewan as a character. His mind works differently from most people’s (in that he would probably now be considered to be on the autism spectrum), and he worries that he’s a bad person because he doesn’t feel a lot of angst about some morally complicated decisions he made in the past. The narrative does a good job of showing that Ewan is no better or worse than anyone else for using tools other than empathy in his moral reasoning. Also, Marlie is a top-tier Gothic heroine.

Favorite Scene: Marlie reflects on the villain’s oh-so-convenient conception of Southern womanhood. I’m also a big fan of the entirety of the bedroom-wall courtship.

3. The Suffragette Scandal by Courtney Milan (2014)

Exact Setting: 1870s England.

Premise: After his hateful father and self-serving brother abandoned him to a grisly fate in war-torn Strasbourg, Edward Delacey narrowly survived, with his faith in himself and the world around him shattered. Now he’s back in England, and his younger brother stands to inherit the viscountcy that legally belongs to him. He’s not interested in the title; however, he does feel compelled to stop his brother from ruining the life of Frederica Marshall, a daring investigative reporter who writes about discrimination against women. As he lends his (jaded, reluctant) assistance, Frederica’s optimism begins to infect him...and that’s not the only reason he wants to stay around her.

Why I Like It: I love Frederica as Oliver’s little sister in The Heiress Effect, and she’s even better as the cocksure firebrand heroine of her own story. It’s rare that a heroine is allowed to be so successful in her chosen field at the beginning of a romance novel, but Milan accomplishes this while still giving Frederica enough vulnerabilities and flaws to make her interesting. Yet Edward, a wounded cynic who chooses to do good despite believing that he’s a garbage bag and the world is a shit-pile, is what really pushes the novel to all-time-great status. Their story is a wonderful illustration of the best things that love can do; his faith in the world is revived by her ideals, and her worst impulses are tempered by hearing about the lessons he’s learned in his darkest moments. Plus, they have some really funny banter. 

Favorite Scene: Edward explains why torture is ineffective and wrong. (I put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college! Fuck off!)

4. After the Wedding by Courtney Milan (2018)

Exact Setting: 1860s England. 

Premise: After her father was accused of treason and committed suicide, Lady Camilla Worth was passed from home to increasingly shabby home, eventually fading into obscurity as Camilla Winters, a housemaid in a corrupt clergyman’s home. Adrian Hunter, the son of a black abolitionist activist and a white duke’s daughter, is visiting the clergyman in disguise to gather information when he and Camilla fall victim to a dastardly plot. Force to wed at literal gunpoint and thrown out of the house, they must work together to annul their marriage and get to the bottom of the clergyman’s sinister doings. 

Why I Like It: Camilla is the first bisexual heroine I ever encountered in romance, so I was already primed to love her, but it would’ve happened regardless of her orientation. Desperate for any kind of affection after losing her family in a particularly cruel way, her struggle to find love while trying to protect herself is extremely moving. Adrian also has an affecting arc, in which he learns how to let go of family members who don’t really care about him and acknowledge his grief for his brothers who died in the Civil War. Finally, the conspiracy plot is absolutely explosive.

Favorite Scene: Camilla deals with trauma through legal research. 

5. An Unconditional Freedom by Alyssa Cole (2019)

Exact Setting: USA (mainly Illinois and Mississippi) during the Civil War.

Premise: Daniel Cumberland once believed that freedom and justice would prevail for black people in America, but then he was kidnapped and enslaved for several months. Now free, he works for the Loyal League, fueled not by hope but by pure rage. Janeta Sanchez, a mixed-race Cuban-Floridian lady from a wealthy Confederate family, is also working for the Loyal League...as a double agent, because she believes that’s the only way to save her father. Paired with Daniel to gather intelligence about possible European aid, she begins to question her loyalties as she sees more of the world and gets to know the people her hypocritical white family has kept her away from. Daniel, meanwhile, begins to see a way of coping with his trauma and an uncertain future.

Why I Like It: Historical romance often shies away from the worst parts of history, or at least frames them as remaining firmly in the past. Alyssa Cole not only starkly portrays the horrors of American slavery, but also confronts head-on the terrifying realization that things do not inevitably improve over time. Yet Cole’s frankness doesn’t reduce the novel to a horror show; there is plenty of joy and kindness and hard-won hope between Daniel and Janeta. Deceived and guilted by her family into supporting an appalling cause that hurts her, Janeta is a complex heroine who develops wonderfully throughout the novel. Daniel is also one of the best-written heroes in romance. Finally, as in A Hope Divided, Cole sheds light on an aspect of the Civil War (the involvement of Europe) that doesn’t get a lot of attention in popular culture.

Favorite Scene: Janeta and Daniel talk alone for the first time.

6. Wild at Heart by Patricia Gaffney (1997)

Exact Setting: 1890s USA (Chicago, Illinois).

Premise: Lost as a child and raised by wolves in the wilds of Canada, the Lost Man has been discovered by “civilized” people and forced to “live” with a Chicago anthropologist for study. (Really, he’s being held captive.) Only Sydney Darrow, the anthropologist’s widowed daughter, has the sense/compassion to say, “Hey, maybe we should treat this man like a person and not keep him locked in a glorified cell where a disgruntled employee can taunt him.” She gently introduces the Lost Man back into human society, and the two find themselves getting along better and better. But can the Lost Man ever truly adjust to the human world? Or will he forever express his love by giving dead fish to people? Or is okay, sometimes, to express you love with dead fish?

Why I Like It: This is one of the most bizarre romances I’ve ever read. It sounds like a romance that someone made up for a sitcom. It sounds like a fever dream. It’s absolutely brilliant, too, because Gaffney commits. The Lost Man thinks of everything in animal terms; he accurately identifies Sydney’s aunt as the “dominant female” of the household, he has decided opinions about which animals are neat and which ones are pains in the ass, and he shows his love with a beautiful, freshly caught fish. There’s a real sense of loss in his arc; it’s necessary for him to transition into human society, but he’s also lost a beautiful, meaningful world. His romance with Sydney is also a great version of the Monster Boyfriend story; she’s the one who sees his humanity and recognizes many of his more “animal” traits as positive. The backdrop of the 1893 World’s Columbian Exposition is also charming.

Favorite Scene: Michael reflects on who’s hot (otters) and who’s not (wolverines) in the animal kingdom.

7. To Love and to Cherish by Patricia Gaffney (1995)

Exact Setting: 1850s England.

Premise: Jaded Anne Verlaine moves to the tiny village of Wyckerly after her wildly unhappy and unpleasant husband Geoffrey inherits a viscountcy. They’re greeted by Christian “Christy” Morrell, the local vicar and Geoffrey’s childhood best friend. Christy is dismayed to see the man Geoffrey has become, but he’s even more disconcerted by the attraction he feels for Anne...who returns his feelings.

Why I Like It: Although she stopped writing historical romance in the late nineties, Patricia Gaffney remains one of the most stylistically inventive and emotionally intense authors in the sub-genre. Anne, a warm and witty bohemian atheist, is a wonderfully unique heroine, while the sweet and scrupulous Christy is a similarly refreshing hero (and, really, an ideal clergyman, with high standards for himself and hardly a judgmental thought towards others). Despite the (delicious) angst involved in their relationship, they’re one of the most convincingly happy couples I’ve seen in romance; they don’t just grow close because of sexual chemistry or their shared complicated feelings about Geoffrey, but also because of their shared interests, oddly compatible senses of humor, and respect for each others’ differences. The village of Wyckerly is vividly portrayed, plus Gaffney makes great use of Anne’s writings and correspondence with Christy to shape the narrative.

Favorite Scene: Anne gets angry with Christy for being so good in the face of Geoffrey’s bullshit. 

8. Silk Is for Seduction by Loretta Chase (2011)

Exact Setting: Mid-1830s England and France.

Premise: After emigrating from Paris to London, Marcelline Noirot and her two younger sisters started a dress shop catering to newly rich and middle-class women. Thanks to Marcelline’s innovative designs and her sisters’ sales/accounting skills, they now stand a chance to be the favorite shop of the entire aristocracy...but first they need an early adopter. Help comes in the form of Lady Clara Fairfax, a beautiful but dowdily dressed girl who’s starting to have doubts about her perfect-on-paper betrothed, the Duke of Clevedon. As Marcelline devises a new wardrobe for Clara and spends more time with Clevedon, it becomes more and more clear that Clevedon is perfect...for Marcelline.

Why I Like It: I’m a simple woman; I like elaborate descriptions of over-the-top 1830s fashion. What’s more, I love Marcelline. She’s a fully realized character with interests, talents, and history that have nothing to do with Clevedon; she misses the sweet husband she lost to an epidemic, is anxious to build a future for her young daughter and her sisters, and spends a lot of the book demonstrating her talents in gorgeous detail. Just like the massive gigot sleeves on her dresses, she takes up space. Overall, the romance resembles a really good 1930s romantic comedy; Clevedon is a great straight man, the love triangle is elegantly resolved, and everything just feels beautiful. 

Favorite Scene: In one of the best sex scenes in romance, Marcelline tells Clevedon that she loves him, knows they don’t have a future, and wants him for one last night just the same.

9. The Hostage by Susan Wiggs (2000)

Exact Setting: 1870s USA (Chicago, Illinois and Isle Royale, Michigan)

Premise: Beautiful new-money heiress Deborah Sinclair has always done what’s expected of her. When her aristocratic betrothed shows his true colors, though, she works up the courage to tell her dad that she wants out. Unfortunately, Mr. Sinclair is not receptive...and the Great Chicago Fire of 1871 is literally happening around them...and this random dude just showed up to kidnap her in all the chaos! Before she knows it, she’s on a boat to remote Isle Royale with Tom Silver, a rugged frontiersman who lost many of his friends and his adopted son in a mining accident caused by Mr. Sinclair’s negligence. Because Mr. Sinclair was found not legally liable, Tom has resorted to holding Deborah for ransom. Although he has no desire to harm her, he’s prepared to hate the daughter of his greatest enemy; she’s also not too fond of him, given that he kidnapped her and all. As they wait for Mr. Sinclair’s reply on Isle Royale, however, they get to know each other better.

Why I Like It: I never thought I’d love a kidnapping romance that wasn’t Beauty and the Beast, but Susan Wiggs can sell me on pretty much anything. (It helps that Tom has excellent motives, yet isn’t validated by the narrative for choosing to kidnap Deborah.) This is one of the best adventure-romances that I’ve ever read; much of the first act is an incredibly tense, complicated chase sequence through the flaming inferno of Chicago, while the later chapters consist of their trying to survive together on Isle Royale in the depths of winter. The emotional  journeys of the characters are just as compelling as their physical ones. One of my favorite romance tropes is when one protagonist feels like they should hate the other one, but instead ends up going “wow, this person is obviously not doing okay...wait, am I worried? Should I help them? Actually, I kind of admire them now???” The Hostage has this trope in abundance.

Favorite Scene: The entire part where they’re trapped on Isle Royale together. So many survival details! So cathartic!

10. The Firebrand by Susan Wiggs (2001)

Exact Setting: 1870s USA (Chicago, Illinois)

Premise: Outspoken and awkward, Lucy Hathaway (Deborah Sinclair’s BFF) is a failure at being a lady, but she’s far too passionate about women’s suffrage and dress reform to care (much) about society’s scorn. On the night of the Great Chicago Fire, her world is upended in two ways: her family loses most of their money, and she catches a baby who got thrown out of a burning hotel window. Years later, she’s a kick-ass activist and single mom running a proto-feminist bookstore. Then she learns that her daughter’s father, banker Randall Higgins, is still alive. Once a proud, thoroughly conventional family man, Rand has been a practical recluse since the fire that scarred his face, ended his marriage, and (he thought) killed his daughter. He’s overjoyed to have his daughter back, but now he and Lucy must figure out a way to raise the child that they both love so much.

Why I Like It: I was worried when I began this novel, because Rand starts out as a smug, boring sexist who thinks that a woman’s place is in the home. I would probably hate the book if Rand didn’t end up completely changing his worldview, agreeing with Lucy’s parenting methods, and risking the wrath of his bank colleagues by joining Lucy at a protest. As it is, Rand’s character development is incredibly satisfying, particularly because it’s emotionally realistic. (Instead of being swayed entirely by romantic love or overwhelmed by Lucy’s vast superiority, he learns to see things from her perspective and recognizes that her actions make the world a better place.) Lucy, for her part, is probably one of my top ten heroines. She’s an active, thoroughly engaged progressive who listens to people more marginalized than her without making a big show of it; she’s a thoughtful mom who genuinely likes her weird kid; and she’s got massive insecurities and a stubborn streak that keep her from being too perfect. 

Favorite Scene: Rand sees Lucy’s ideals reflected in their daughter’s response to his kind-of-messed-up face.

Further Note: Is Victorianish my favorite type of historical romance? I think it is!

[diveronarpg]

Congratulations, NAY! You’ve been accepted for the role of LAVINIA. Admin Minnie: I’ve always thought Lillian was one of the trickier characters to fully grasp, because it’d be so easy to turn her into an outline of a person and not the whole vivid picture. But you, Nay, have won me over completely. You have such a knack for characterization and nailed Lillian’s voice, that balance she strikes between light and power. The interview portion was my absolute favorite part — I loved the way you brought her to life and the way you showed us the inner workings of her mind, heart and soul. I’m so, so glad to put Lillian into your talented hands! Please read over the checklist and send in your blog within 24 hours.

WELCOME TO THE MOB.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | nay

Age | twenty-two

Preferred Pronouns | she / her

Activity Level | i find it cruelly ironic that i asked for time away from the roleplay community to try to make sense of my chaotic life, and a couple of weeks later, the world imploded and now we’re all quarantined. somehow, i’ve got my shit together-ish. and i really sorely need the light that is the DV fam in these trying times, however, so. 8/10, i’d say?

Timezone | gmt+5

How did you find the rp? | i sold my soul to it some time ago~

Current/Past RP Accounts | never RP’ed a day in my life, what’re you talking about?

IN CHARACTER

Character | LAVINIA / lillian wen

What drew you to this character? | titus adronicus isn’t exactly the darkest of shakespeare’s works, but the storyline of lavinia in particular happens to be one that has always been brutally impactful to me. there is this absolutely fascinating dichotomy lavinia depicts through her journey in the play, one between honor & freedom, that keeps me up at night sometimes. and when it comes to lillian, that struggle feels embedded in her story just the same. regardless, i don’t know that it’s possible to not be drawn to lillian wen.

there’s a multitude of aspects that keeps me inescapably besotted with her — the foundation upon which she blossomed from child, to girl, to the woman she is; an aura of a true, chatoyant aesthete; a plot arc of sexual assault survival, used as a steppingstone towards advocacy… but most of all, i think what won out was the soul she’s got, and all the light it bleeds. there is a line in her biography that reads: “belief was a powerful thing in the wen household.” i’ve thought about that line for daaaays, honestly. it was that line that really got me with her, because i could already see it in my head: she was raised by two women—artistic, emotional, intellectual, opinionated women—and they taught her belief as a religion. she was raised to know it was the most useful weapon she could ever have in an admittedly dastardly world; faith, in herself & in the power of light, and hope, and living in one’s truth. to be raised that way, and make what she has of herself, to wind up in a loveless, strategic marriage and part of a mob? she is such an intriguing character, with such insurmountable potential for growth.

there is something about lillian’s devout optimism, which doesn’t deserve to be mistaken for naiveté, & a faith in humanity that bolsters me, reminding me a fair amount of the sweetness i’ve always adored in juliana, and how there is more than one way to be a fighter, which is exactly what lillian is. but i also think that aspect in a discordant war-time setting would be so god damn cool to play with, because it prompts questions: how far does being good get you? is anything really in black & white? what does a limit feel like? what could you break open to let the light in? i’d love a chance to find answers through an unravelling of her story.

What is a future plot idea you have in mind for the character? | 

NOTE: here’s the ever-present disclaimer that these are all merely ideas, subject to discussion & changes, able to be altered in collaboration with other characters.

{ 1 } GILDED CAGE — a corrupt, mob-allegiant District Attorney for a fiancé; there is no question that it is to a man of power her mothers have intertwined her future, seeing protection for the daughter who is their whole world in the bloodbath tainting the city that is their home. to cassian bhatt, lillian is a nothing more than an accessory. of course, she had never been raised to be a girl who emptily dreamt of an ideal love, not when there was the whole universe to fall in love with, and no end to the every day magic the people it brimmed with had to offer. but a loveless marriage? lillian has never been one to tell lies, only ever to hone an innate ability to make the truth as palatable as possible, and her prospective bond feels like one. would she still go through with it? would she ever be able to say no to two women who never let her want for anything a day in her life?

⋯ cassian is the most obvious plot for her story, so i wanted to tackle him, first & foremost. i’m almost sure that lillian won’t seal the deal; she’s come too far in life to only come so far, and wind up with a man she feels nothing at all for. however, i was reading through cassian’s biography, too, and i would be lying if i said i couldn’t see potential for lillian to both either love, or something to cause friction in their dynamic, even if it isn’t a necessarily pleasant sort. currently, i know that lillian refuses to do more than hollowly tolerate him, purely because he has been forced upon her, and her general distrust of men in the wake of her assault makes her anything but open to him. can we really deny that he’s a smart, capable, clever man, though? there could be spark. it could turn to a catalyst for growth in multiple ways, positive & negative, and i am dying to explore the many different ways their story could unfold. 

{ 2 } WHAT IS LOVE? — what if she does marry cassian bhatt? it is a possibility, after all. with the capulets, she has found a voice. she has a platform, she has causes she believes in & actively fights for, and a marriage wouldn’t bar lillian from any of that, nor would it keep her from being the precocious, curious creature that she is. and what if, after that’s done, she falls in love with someone? with her mothers never having been married, lillian never considered romantic love & legally-binding commitment to go hand-in-hand, but that does not mean it couldn’t. it doesn’t mean she couldn’t fall in love with a person she might, one day, want to be with. would she cross that line, if it came down to it? would cassian let her? would the capulets object to it, considering it is her relationship with him that has drug lillian into their fold?

⋯ this is more a subplot to the last than it is a standalone arc, but roll with it. lillian is, in a way that is one of my absolute favourite things about her, a delicious enigma of a woman. i don’t believe there is anything she couldn’t turn and look at from another side. and at the same time? i feel that she is a person who takes notions of integrity, and promises, very seriously. she is a woman of her word, at the end of the day. what would it take to blur her lines? you don’t choose who you fall in love with. you don’t choose when it happens, or how it happens. what you control is your actions, and lillian has both always believed that, and demonstrated it. so, what would she choose, in such a circumstance?

{ 3 } BEST LAID PLANS — she met cosimo capulet whilst on cassian’s arm, and it was over a glass of rosé, the man talked to her about her charity-work. he told her of the origins of the capulets’ particular brand of business: the robin hood reminiscent legacy initiated by one lucius capulet, of the revolution they had begun with, giving back to the impoverished lillian fought for as well. her mothers never would have understood how the good girl they had raised could level with a mob-boss, but lillian has, and it is how she has ended up a consultant to the capulets. but how far is she willing to integrate herself with their cause? how much of the necessary violence of a war can she truly stomach?

⋯ i told you: a dichotomy between honor & freedom. it feels like the crux of lillian’s story to me. i’ve got very strong headcanons in mind for the relationship she’s got with the capulets, purely because i would like for her relationship with them to stand on its own, as opposed to being more so reliant on the relationship her fiancé has with them. the fact that the capulets have given her a voice means a great deal to lillian, definitely more than she ever could have expected it to, and i would like to see that graciousness she’s developed drive her to make choices she might question under the lens of her own honor-code afterwards. you know me, i’m a sucker for internal conflict to drive character development, and i need it with lillian, for sure.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | honestly? i don’t think i could stomach lillian dying.

IN-DEPTH

♦ IN-CHARACTER INTERVIEW: 

NOTE: out of caution, i’d like to precede this portion with trigger warnings for sexual assault mention and ptsd                              

                              “benvenuti!” 

she is already greeting you before she’s quite done opening the door. welcome, is what must remind you that you are, in fact, a stranger in her house. the warmth the curve of her mouth radiates is one that seeps in through your pores; it is not easy to remember that this is the first time you’ve met signora lillian wen. you’ve heard it before: like the sun, she is hard to look at, yet her warmth is undeniable. 

“come in,” she invites, and the silken slip-dress she’s donned seems to ripple like peach-hued water when she sweeps her arm, waiting for you to step over the threshold and stand beside her, so she might match you, footstep-for-footstep.

— What is your favorite place in Verona?  

“that’s such a deliciously difficult question,” lillian enthuses, beaming, despite her brows that furrow in thought over it. favourite, after all, is no small word; she must ponder it, then, for she does so like to mean the things she says. “ – you know, i don’t know that i’ve only the one,” is what she settles on, pouring out the lemonde she’s fixed up a pitcher of herself just now. the smell of the mint leaves she’s peppered it with infuses itself in the house, and she can’t help but breathe it in, deeply, satisfied. 

“so much of this city is so very dear to me. i cannot give you a favourite between them all, not when they’ve their own charms, and my own memories attached to them,” she slides over a glass to you, ice cubes merrily tinkling within,  “but i will tell you that the oldest shall always be the home i grew up in. it was more snug than this, perhaps, yes, but my mothers made sure it brimmed with all that feeds the human soul. there isn’t a memory under that roof that does not make my heart ache with nostalgia, which, really, is the heart’s way of telling you it was worth it. don’t you agree?” 

lillian clicks her tongue against the roof of her mouth, a sound of regret that does not match the soft radiance of her mouth. 

“humble beginnings, hmm?”

— What does your typical day look like?

the living-room is far from lacking pieces of furniture, all of them as comfortable to sit in as they are to look at. you know this, because she has suggested you try each out to settle on a preference, and you’ve done it. it is only once your stomach hurts from laughter incited from such childish wonderfulness that you realise: she has broken the ice.

lillian herself sprawls out on a chaise lounge by the window, tipped on her side with her legs curled underneath herself. she looks like a mermaid. her words sound lyrical when her laughter laces them: “ah, always the same, and also never as well.”

the sip of lemonade is delicate, brief, though she tips the glass for a second, fuller mouthful when you’re sure she can’t possibly have swallowed the first that quickly. never mind –

“i like to start my day rising with the sun,” she tells you. “my absolute favourite thing about living by myself is the luxury of not having to speak at all until i wish to do so – which, of course, doesn’t take too long at all, for i might be my own fondest companion. i like to prepare my own breakfast, after; eat outside, if i want, though i rather rebelliously might crawl back into bed with a tray when i feel particularly blue. i never stay under the covers for too long, however. i simply can’t. there’s too much to do. so, i dress myself up in whatever ensemble feels the most myself that day, and set off to find another way to save the world.”

her nose crinkles when she grins. you cannot help grinning back, can you?

— What has been your biggest mistake thus far? 

unbidden, lillian’s mind whirls so quickly, her thoughts slip from her fingers like water. and she is back there, in that room, with that man. that man who smiled when she walked into the room. who smiled when he motioned her to costumery that felt divine to touch, silken & decadent. who smiled when he called her a vision. who smiled when he held her down, while she begged, when he left her on the ground.

believing that smile, she thinks.

          “ ––– signora?” you ask, tone tender, for she looks so fragile when she is still.

as if a button has been pushed, lillian seems to snap out of it – appears to back to life. there is an apology in her smile, and it feels like a shadow. the shadow darkens her words: “to call one the biggest seems like tempting fate, doesn’t it?” she wonders aloud. “such as when one says things can’t possibly get any worse, and right then, the universe shows you how wrong you were about that?”

— What has been the most difficult task asked of you? 

cassian bhatt. the syllables of his name sit at the tip of her tongue, burning, and lillian cannot say them. she cannot betray her mothers so. she knows, already, the looks on their faces would ache more—inevitably, unbearably more—than that of letting her jaw clench, and teeth grind, to keep that truth inside, until she swallows it down.

there can be more than one truth, lillian knows. she reminds herself: once, twice, three times. and then, over the rim of her glass, she smiles a smile she can mean. “that isn’t a mindset i agree with,” she states, “if you believe it is the most difficult, it might feel near impossible, might it not? that just won’t do. forget most difficult–” she sweeps it away with a wave of her hand, like a makeshift broom-limb, “–let’s only say we’ve all got our challenges, and we aren’t the most enthusiastic to rise to all of them.” 

she breathes a laugh, then. “my maman likes to remind me; mind over matter, petit fleur. i can hear it in my head already!”

— What are your thoughts on the war between the Capulets and the Montagues?

lillian’s brows crawl up her forehead. she looks so perplexed, you can’t help but wonder if you accidentally said a word wrong. her home is easy to relax inside, involuntarily, and the possibility would not be unfounded. she explains it herself, all the same, when she asks: “is it a war?”

it is difficult to discern whether the question is rhetorical or not. her head cants, and she answers it herself, “h.g. wells once wrote: if we don’t end war, war will end us.” her sip is pensive, now. “i believe that, truly. there are no winners; only those who are left in the wake of one. and so, i can only hope that is not what this is.”

her eyes are kind. “don’t you?”

♦ EXTRAS: 

✴ pinterest → here;

✴ tag → here.

[mw-moriearty]

Superman III is an Anti-Capitalist Parable and Way Ahead of its Time

No seriously. Here’s the skinny.

Superman III came out in ‘83 and was directed by Richard Lester, who also directed the markedly inferior theatrical cut of Superman II three years earlier. Lester had a very different approach to the Superman series than his predecessor, Richard Donner: he insisted, ostensibly at the studio’s urging, on taking the series in a more camp comedy direction rather than the Old Hollywood epic movie tone Donner brought to the table. It makes sense, then, that audiences would push back against the goofier, lower-stakes tone of III. They were used to the (comparatively) operatic tone of the original Superman and, to a lesser extent, its sequel.

Superman III was a financial success, but it was negatively received by audiences and by critics, a negative reception that helped send the follow-ups Supergirl and Superman IV: A Quest for Peace to the bottom of the trash heap (not that they needed much help).

But, unlike those two installments, Superman III, when watched today with an unbiased eye, holds up much better than its reputation would suggest. The emphasized comedic undertones don’t stand out so much in this era of light, bantery Marvel films.

And, what’s more, Superman III is probably one of the most plainly anti-capitalist superhero movies of all time. Its maybe not “woke,” but its pretty damn close.

At the core of the film, and perhaps its most controversial element, is the comic relief character played by comedian Richard Pryor. Pryor’s character in Superman III may not be the most nuanced character of color in film, but he is also certainly not the Jar Jar Binks minstrel clown some make him out to be. What he is, is a naturally-gifted computer programmer so brilliant that he is able to hack into a government weather-controlling satellite while completely blitzed and effortlessly design a supercomputer so sophisticated it gains self-awareness. It is obvious the only reason that he lives on unemployment and can’t keep a job rather than being the next Bill Gates and giving the millionaire villain orders is the deep institutional racism upon which capitalism is founded.

The film is well aware of this racism, highlighting it in ways both big and small. Pryor is blackmailed into serving the rich white Trump-esque antagonist, played by Robert Vaughn, after being forced by his ridiculously small paycheck to commit embezzlement (the only victim of which being Vaughn himself, who is so dripping with surplus wealth that he has an artificial ski slope on the roof of his skyscraper). Their first interaction is full of condescending microaggressions on Vaughn’s part, such as cringe-inducingly calling Pryor “my man” in a manner that brings to mind the dad in Get Out.

When Pryor travels to Smallville, Kansas later in the film, he is visibly aghast at how eerily lily-white the whole place is, particularly staring in horror at a trio of porcelain-tinted mannequins in a store window. I’m sure his discomfort would be echoed by many black men taking their first step in rural southern America. Later, to infiltrate one of the businesses that he plans to hack in the small town, Pryor wears one of the awful suits worn by the aforementioned dummies and puts on an affected “white voice” to earn the trust of the drunken redneck that watches the place at night, a fitting commentary on how black men and women are expected to homogenize and “act white” to be above suspicion in white America.

And what happens when Pryor convinces Vaughn to give him the resources to construct his incredible supercomputer? Why, Vaughn and his sister appropriate it for themselves and put its unique capabilities to nefarious ends, shutting Pryor out of any control of his baby and leaving him out in the cold. 

Pryor is much more than a victim through all of this, however. I already mentioned how he took the initiative to bolster his paltry computer programmer’s paycheck by using a clever scheme to embezzle from his greedy millionaire boss. He also doesn’t let said boss kick him around, either. Though his circumstances leave him with little choice but to be a cohort in Vaughn’s schemes, when push comes to shove, he stands up for himself. He refuses to allow Vaughn’s order for complete control of the oil tankers to be irreversible, he fights for his fair cut of the loot when Vaughn starts profiting off of his brilliance, and in the end he stands by Superman against his bourgeoisie bosses. He even saves Superman’s life on multiple occasions, using both his computer smarts and eventually a fire ax to come to the big guy’s rescue. 

Given that Pryor has at least as much screen time as Supes throughout the picture, one is left wondering, who’s the real hero here? Why, its the guy running around in the frilly pink tablecloth, of course!

And Pryor’s not the only example of a downtrodden minority not being allowed to live to their full potential in a white supremacist patriarchal capitalist society. Perhaps the most interesting character in the film is the villain’s girlfriend, who is initially presented as a vapid, gold-digging bimbo until we learn that this is all an act on her part and she actually is a computer-wise, philosophy-reading secret genius herself. She only plays the part of the brainless trophy girl because life has left her few other options. It is a very fun subversion of the typical villain-moll dynamic, and it is a shame we don’t get more of this character, though she like Pryor is ultimately disturbed by Vaughn’s increasingly villainous actions and bails on him in the end.

But lets talk about Vaughn’s villain, and how he’s emblematic of the film’s ideas on rich white privilege as a whole. This is a guy who is so used to getting everything he wants that he sics a freaking hurricane on Colombia just because the country is competing with him in the coffee export industry. If that ain’t capitalism at its finest. He even repeats the tired adage “it is not enough that I succeed, others must fail,” misattributing it to Genghis Khan like an idiot. I mean seriously, who does this sound like?

This is the guy who gives us probably the most immortal line from the whole movie.

And that’s only the tip of the white entitlement iceberg. There’s also the running joke of the old white couple who win the Daily Planet’s vacation lottery and get sent off to Colombia, where we are treated to the wife saying things like, “look dear, a native wedding!” Cut to the most conventional looking church wedding ever. After this parody of cultural voyeurism, we have the couple later threatening to SUE Daily Planet Editor-in-Chief Perry White because A HURRICANE RUINED THEIR VACATION. What a couple of Karens.

The whole film is about the struggle between the working class and the rich. I’ll paraphrase one of the Smallville locals who, after seeing the chaos caused by the gasoline shortage brought about by Vaughn’s forced oil monopoly, says “I don’t know what’s going on, but I guarantee you, someone’s getting rich off of it. Someone’s always getting rich off of it.”

Oh yeah, and Superman is in this movie too a little. There’s a plot wherein Vaughn tries to synthesize an artificial kryptonite in an effort to kill Superman and prevent him from foiling his dastardly deeds. But, this being a kryptonite forged in the capitalist machine, its a lazy, half-assed copy that doesn’t even work right (leading to the above line).

That doesn’t mean that the kryptonite has no effect, though. Indeed, the symptoms of this knockoff kryptonite are fascinatingly similar to the effects of living under the crushing wheels of the capitalist regime. 

We actually see Superman, through this physical manifestation of the exertion of capitalist oppression, deteriorate into a selfish, depressed, bitter shadow of his usual self. As this happens, the colors of his costume subtly grown more dark, drab, and dingy. Superman becomes concerned only with doing what is best for himself without regard to anyone else, giving up the whole “saving people” thing and even letting himself be coerced by the moll into ripping a giant hole into an oil tanker in exchange for a little nookie (the subsequent disturbing image of a massive oil spill creeping across the surface of the ocean is maybe the film showing its hand a little bit). Many socialist and anarchist thinkers have raised the thought that this exact selfish mindset is the natural effect of being socialized in a capitalist society.

Let’s be clear, this isn’t just “evil Superman”. This is Superman so crushed by self-loathing and the futility of his actions that at the lowest point in his decline we see him looking like this:

Indeed, this sad, alcoholic Superman very deliberately mirrors another character in the film: the aforementioned drunken yokel, who is also the former star quarterback of Clark Kent’s high school graduating class. This is a character who found, after graduating, that his celebrity status in school translated to nothing in the adult world, leaving him woefully unprepared for a real life where he is a functional nobody. Cue binge-drinking and pining for the glory days.

This all culminates in the movie’s most iconic scene, wherein Superman crash-lands in a junkyard and splits into two separate individuals: the above Superdick, and plain old Clark Kent. They then proceed to beat the shit out of each other.

Obviously, we aren’t meant to read this scene as literal; it isn’t actually, physically happening. It is a clever visualization of the internal struggle between the character’s two halves: Clark and Superman.

In fact, this very conflict is the heart of Superman’s story throughout the picture. This is examined in the form of Clark’s re-kindled relationship with childhood sweetheart Lana Lang. After the always tragic will-they-won’t-they of Superman and Lois, Clark and Lana’s romance is refreshingly positive and healthy. The obvious reason for this is that, unlike Lois, Lana isn’t just interested in the Superman persona. She loves Clark for Clark. He can be himself around her. Indeed, any romantic incursions between Superman in costume and Lana are portrayed as downright toxic, as in the unsettlingly realistic scene where Superman, first beginning to feel the effects of the faux kryptonite, makes several forceful, sexually aggressive advances on Lana in her own home. The obvious fear and discomfort on Lana’s face during this scene is incredibly telling. She isn’t interested in an inhumanly privileged, aggressive thug in spandex. She likes Clark Kent, the regular guy.

So it is no accident that in this climactic junkyard scene, Clark comes to represent the character’s “good side” and Superman the “bad”. Because this is not simply a struggle between Superman’s good and bad halves, it is a struggle between Clark Kent, the spectacularly unspectacular working man, and Superman, the ridiculously naturally privileged enforcer of statist status quo. Proletariat vs. bourgeoisie. And Clark Kent, the proletariat revolutionary fighting his way out of the bourgeois Superdick’s corruption, wins.

Not that Superman then becomes a perfect champion of the working class for the rest of the film. He does defeat Vaughnald Trump and blow up the evil computer, but he also remains something of a parody of typical movie “white savior” figures. This is mostly clearly shown in the denouement where Superman, obviously thinking he is providing some great act of charity, drops Richard Pryor’s character off at a dirty coal pit far from his home and recommends him for an entry-level computer job there. Pryor understandably decides he’d rather not slave in a coal mine in the middle of nowhere for the rest of his life, and chooses instead to walk the nine miles to the nearest bus station. There is also the final scene where Superman (who in evil mode had straightened the Leaning Tower of Pisa earlier in the film in an extreme act of pettiness) returns to Italy and “fixes” the tower, smiling and waving in smug self-satisfaction at the locals below, oblivious to the poor souvenir salesman who has just finished making his setting up his new display of now-straight replica towers.

tl;dr, I think that Superman III deserves reevaluation not as the moment where the Superman franchise began its descent into crappery, but instead as a flawed but biting satire on privilege and capitalist corruption in America.

That’s my two cents.

[vfdbaudelairefile13]

Misery Loves Company part 2:

Meet Isadora Quagmire:

A noble and brave triplet who just wanted to help her girlfriend and her two younger siblings from the fiendish plot of a dastardly bastard. Because of her actions, she and her triplet brother find themselves in the midst of the Count's vile plot to steal their inheritance. Isadora finds herself in more danger and distress then she could ever have possibly imagined.

Now don't get it twisted, she might share a similar appearance to her brother, Duncan, but don't be naive and assumed that she's as sweet and soft as he is. Between the two of them, shes the clever powerhouse who has a plan to get her and her brother rescued. She has her brother's back as much as he has hers. With her plan and his strategy, the Quagmires are an unstoppable force that Olaf should stop underestimating.

《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》《》

Isadora tried her best to make her eyes focus on the area around her, which wasn’t much considering they were shoved into some fountain in the middle of some town in the middle of nowhere.

“There’s always something,” she kept repeating to herself. If she had more space to move around, she would have been pacing. 

“Can you *please* stop saying that,” Duncan said miserably wiping his eyes.

“I’m sorry are *you* coming up with a plan to help us?”

“...no...” Duncan replied meekly.

“Exactly. I love you, bro. But all you’re doing is crying and *that* is not helping us. We have to get out of this damn thing,” Isadora said pounding her already bruised fists on the walls of the inside of the fountain.

“We’ve tried that,” Duncan reminds her grabbing her hands. “You’re going to make yourself bleed...please stop,”

Isadora started shaking her head. “We can’t give up! We can’t...this...this can’t be our life. Duncan, once they get Violet...they’re going to *kill* one of us....they’re going to kill Klaus and Sunny...they’re going to do horrible things to Violet and whoever they keep!” she said as she began to cry.

“Izzie...Isa...” Duncan replied sighing pulling his sister into a tight hug.

“I’m starting to think Quigley’s the lucky one,” Isadora whispered. She hoped that her words were soft enough that Duncan didn’t quite hear her...but she needed to say it aloud. She needed to speak the truth. Her freedom to use words to express herself in her way is all she had left besides Duncan. Duncan’s grip around his sister became tighter.

“Me too, Isa...me too,” he whispered back just for her to hear. 

“This can’t be life...every time I sleep...I wake up hoping that *this*...this...*reality* is the dream but I wake up disappointed every day,”

“How long has it been?”

“A week or two. I lost count after 3 days...” Isa replied.

Duncan released his grip on his sister. “You’re right. We have to do something,”

“There’s always something,” Isadora whispered.

“Violet’s right. There is always something...so let’s think like Violet,”

“You’re right....we have to think like a genius *to be* a genius,” Isadora said smiling. “She found us once...she can find us again,”

“True...but last time we were in the same building as her. This time we’re in the same town...which is a lot more area,” Duncan pointed out. “How will they find us this time?”

Isadora sighed as she closed her eyes trying to think of a plan. It was too dark inside the fountain, so Duncan couldn’t see his sister smile but when he heard her giggling as if she’s come up with an evil plan, he began to smile too.

“You’re thinking something,”

“I sure am,” Isadora said. “Quick, do you have a ribbon?”

“Why would I have a ribbon?”  Duncan asked confused. “Why do you need a ribbon.”

“The genius ties up her hair to think...why can’t I...”

“Good point,” Duncan said taking out his green commonplace book from his pocket. “Wait...I do have one...it’s thin...but it’s long enough, I think.” 

“It’ll have to do,” Isadora replied as Duncan yanked the thin green ribbon from his notebook. Usually, these ribbons were placeholders for writers so they know what page they’re on like a bookmark holds one’s place in a book. My associate and I have several of these kinds of notebooks, all detailing the chronicles of these rather unfortunate orphans. Let me tell you that I have tried to tie my hair with one of these things and it was difficult for many reasons. But as Duncan handed his sister the thin green ribbon, Isadora tied up her hair with ease and almost like magic, the conniving, cunning brain of Isadora Quagmire was working at full speed.

“Duncan...do you have a pen?”

“Yeah...always. I’m a journalist...why?” he asked.

“Cause I’m a poet,” Isadora replied taking out her black commonplace book. Duncan handed her his pen but looked at her confused. 

“I know you’re a poet...but why does that matter,”

“Because I’m going to send a message to our friends,” 

“How?”

“With a pen and paper, duh,” Isadora said as she sketched out a note detailing exactly what’s happening to them. She began to read it aloud but Duncan immediately interrupted her after the first line.

“Ummm...”

“What?”

“Not to rain on your parade but you can’t send out *that* out,” 

“Why not? Someone will help us!” 

Duncan shook his head. “What if Olaf or Esme find it? What if his troupe find it? They’ll hurt you...they’ll...they...” he started shaking his head rapidly. “They told me what they would do to you, Izzie, if we don’t start behaving,”

“They told me...what they’d do to you...too,” Isadora whispered. “But we have to send a message!”

“We will...just a *secret* message,” Duncan replied. “We only need our friends to find it,” 

Isadora nodded. “I think I’ve got it. We’ll send it in multiple parts that way if those evil bastards find the note, they won’t think much of it.”

Isadora began scribbling fiercely on the piece of paper. After she had written a couplet, she stopped writing. “Wait...” 

“What?”

“How...how  are we going to give it out?” Isadora asked her heart sinking. 

Duncan sighed as he looked around the small space that he was stuck in. “I...I don’t know,”

“What if we waited ‘til bathroom break and throw it on the ground?” Isadora asked.

“You think they wouldn’t notice that and who knows if it’ll get to the people we need it to get to then,” 

Isadora sighed. “We’re fucked,” 

After a few moments of contemplation, Duncan replied, “Maybe not,” 

“What you mean?”

“Look up there...” he said peeking out the small hole of the fountain’s beak. “What do you see?”

“A crow...” Isadora said confused. “I don’t see why that matters. Although I do like crows...”

Duncan rolled his eyes. “That’s not just any crow...it’s a carrier crow,”

“You mean pigeon?”

“Same idea...”

“I’m not sure that I follow,”

“Let me see your note,” Duncan replied.

Isadora was confused but handed Duncan the poem.  “What are you doing?” she asked as he got the note a little damp from the dew and began to reach his hand towards the bird's leg. *“Duncan Dylan, do not hurt that crow!”* she hissed still not realizing what Duncan was doing with her sneaky note.

“I’m not going to hurt the crow,” 

“What are you going to do then?”

“I’m going to use the note that you wrote and wrap it around its leg,” Duncan explained as Isadora looked at him incredulously. “Maybe our friends will find it and come get us out of here...”

“...Yes...because when I see a crow...*the first thing I do is check its leg for secret messages!” *

“It can’t hurt...” Duncan replied rolling his eyes.

“You’re going to lose my brilliant poem,” Isadora remarked.

“Do you have any other ideas?”

“...no,”

“Then...trust me,” 

Isadora nodded. “If this works...you’re my hero,”

“If this works...you’re *my* hero,”  Duncan replied back.

Isadora began working on the next three couplets. She was praying that their plan was going to work. 

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 4X09 - Fall

Today, our heroes attempt to stop Ingrid’s curse, but find themselves a bit...FALL-ty at it!

...It was a stretch, but it worked!!!!

Anyways, there’s a review under the cut!

Main Takeaways

Past

There’s really not a lot to say about the past segment this time. It’s really good -- filled to the brim with Kristoff, Anna, Blackbeard, and Hans snarking at each other every step of the way and smart and pragmatic moves by all of the characters -- but it’s very much an exposition dump in that same vein. Seeing as it wasn’t especially long and because it was entertaining and cohesive, I don’t really have a problem with that.

Present

Believe it or not, once again, Rumple is the stand-out character in this episode. He gets so many character-rich moments and pieces of dialogue here. From ”You’re usually so confrontational” “I prefer reasonable” showing Rumple’s twisted take on how he views himself and his deals to “If I have to choose between everyone else and me, “me” wins everytime” showing his sense of priorities, he gets just really good lines.

Regina’s speech in the library is fucking perfect and my favorite scene of the episode. For as much as “the third way” that constantly gets spouted out in later seasons is nice to think about, in a situation like this, as leaders, they have to make the difficult choices and because of the ticking clock of the situation, a third way isn’t viable. Someone has to suffer and it’s up to them to choose who. And I LOVE how most everyone is in agreement with this sentiment and that the only person who disagrees, Elsa, disagrees only for personal reasons. This is an outstanding conflict that is perfectly framed. We get what amounts to a real life trolley problem and these conflicts tend to be so good because they let you know who these characters are. Regina looks at this problem like a leader and convinces everyone else to look at it in the same way very easily. And even though a third way is eventually found, the consequences of this decision still take place and are only not further dwelled on because of the he same ticking clock propelling the story forward.

And in that same vein, I like how when Elsa does screw them over, Emma does pragmatically change gears and goes to help Elsa, seeing as how it’s their only chance at this point. It’s also not only pragmatic, but shows how Emma’s growing more hopeful and how she cares for the friend that literally just saved Emma from herself and her fear.

Finally, I like how most everyone works together in this episode. Like in the first half of Season 2 and in moments like the present segment of “That Still Small Voice,” you really get a sense of how Storybrooke is a community. Everyone’s playing a part in keeping the town safe, the fairies converted Granny’s into a lab and are aided by Belle, Leroy’s giving mining advice, Regina and Henry are working with Robin and the Merry Men, Emma and Elsa are searching for Anna, etc. Episodes and moments like this make Storybrooke feel like more than just a town and expose the real magic beyond the Chernabogs, wands, and daggers.

Stream of Consciousness

-”You’re usually so confrontational.” “I prefer reasonable.” This is just Rumple’s entire character in less than ten words! XD

-”You and your ‘sisters’ Elsa and Emma doing who knows what.” What DOES Ingrid hope to do with them?! Are they just gonna chase kites and play with magic all day? ...Damn, Ingrid is so fucking disturbed. Anyone ever see the episode “Baby Doll” from Batman: The Animated Series? Because is so much like the villain from that!

-I like the clever plan of our heroes trying something as pragmatic as just going over the wall.. It’s a solution that Ingrid might not have necessarily thought of due to her powers as well as her disdain for those without them.

-I also like the decision for Henry to go with Regina. The scene shows that Emma and Regina are practicing co-parenting and are still sorting out the kinks, and ultimately, Regina makes a good point: If Emma’s part of Ingrid’s plan and she only wants them alive, then Henry could easily be taken as a short-term hostage if he’s traveling with the people Ingrid’s focused the most on. Meanwhile, being with Regina is just a matter of time management in order to make sure he’s safe.

-In accordance with what I said in “Family Business,” for the gravitas of the secret that Belle his about Anna, Elsa really has no reaction to it. I’m stuck between being find that we don’t have to deal with another conflict and just kind of annoyed because a bulk of that episode’s weight is gone because of the importance of Belle’s resolve to hide that secret.

-Kristoff, I guess you could say that Anna’s...GRASPING AT STRAWS!! XD

-”And I SANG with you.” I love the implication that at the very least, that song was diegetic!

-Oh my Lanta! Kristoff used his ice pick right on that guy’s butt cheek! XD 10/10, best episode ever!!!

-”If I have to choose between everyone else and me, “me” wins everytime.” And here’s Rumple’s character in fifteen words or less! XD

-How did WILL get put in charge of the camp? He’s been a Merry Man again (Although, was he recruited again) for all of a day, maybe, and Robin now has him as a second-in-command? I get that they wanted to use the character, but that was a weird choice. Why not direct Little John to clear the camp and have Will sass off about something? It would make more character sense and remind Robin that he has a best friend who didn’t betray him and only show up in his life again by pure happenstance.

-”The only people who believe in me in this town are Henry and you.” ...You and Snow just had the biggest heart-to-heart! The hell?

-Interesting thing! The True Love spell that helped Snow and David find each other is a potion and it’s very likely that a similar potion was what enchanted what becomes Henry and Ella’s locket.

-”Pirates are better than wizards.” ...I feel like this is the OUAT equivalent of the more mainstream Pirates vs. Ninjas debate! Who’s better? YOU decide!

-BLACKBEARD!!!

-I love that bit of banter Snow and Regina have at the library. “A good mayor checks that these things are kept up to code.” “Yeah, well, if the mayor only has to worry about one villain and it’s herself, that frees up a lot of time for infrastructure.” Not only is it hilarious, but we get to see that backbone and wit of Snow’s on full display!

-I love Belle’s outfit at the diner! The vest and the button-down are cute together!

-...You know, dramatic irony be damned, I would LOVE to see an episode where Blue and Rumple are forced to work together and are on somewhat equal footing-knowledge wise. Their bickering, bantering, and exploration of the differences between light and dark magic would be just a cool thing to witness! I feel like it could go to better lengths to better contextualize these characters’ moralities and issues with each other and while they might not resolve anything, per se, they could have an interesting impact on the story and/or plot in some way.

-CHECK THE BAG! XD But in all seriousness, I do think the storytelling does a good job of illustrating why she doesn’t look in the bag. Emotionally, Elsa is being told she can’t go after Anna and that stings. Showing distrust would just crush Elsa.

-”I should know better than to trust blondes by now.” ...Was that line really necessary? Not only does it call back to a shitty episode, BUT hello! Tinker Bell?”

-”This trunk will make sure you dies without FINterference!” XD ...The arc of puns is BEST ARC!

-”She’s so talky.” You’re just realizing this now?

-I really do feel for Killian. Just look at his face. He was hoping that Rumple wouldn’t be able to get Belle out of there and he wouldn’t have to trap the fairies.

-Ooh! I LOVE how the camera got that mirror shot of Killian walking. Creepy and unsettling as hell!

-I also love the crazy magic stuff Blue’s doing!

-Honestly, the hat scene is shot soooo well. It’s like a horror movie in the way that the shots frame Blue as she hides along the counters of Granny’s.

-And then at the end of it, Killian’s regret and self-hatred is really thick too.

-”I may be immune to the spell, but you can still hurt me.” ...What the hell would you expect Belle to do to you?! XD Throw books at you? Claw at you with her nails? Granted, she’s a scholar so maybe she can fuck with your potions and do something screwy to you! XD

-”I don’t have to choose, thank you. I can and will have both.” I like this line because it heavily implies that while Rumple does love Belle, when pushed into a corner of choosing between the two, he will choose power.

-”Enjoy your last day in this or any land.” Yeahh…..about that…. XD

-”We won’t be able to hurt anyone from in there.” ...Those bars are not narrow enough to ensure that. Like, you and Snow can punch each other pretty easily from there! XD

-Emma saying goodbye to everyone just fucking wrecked me. “Elsa, can you hold my brother.” Just the way that line is said means so much to me! I don’t know what it is, but there’s so much love in the word “brother” and I just tear up when I hear it.

-”It’s [Your magic] what’s going to allow you to take on the Snow Queen and win.” ...I really wish it was that way, at least in some part (But we’ll address that next time!!!)

-I love the pan over of all the characters the moment before the spell hits. That is just gorgeously done and the music is so freakin’ epic. And then the quiet shakiness once the spell hits. Holy crap, is that unsettling!

Favorite Dynamic

Rumple and Killian. Killian and Rumple get a few scenes scattered throughout the episode and all of them work on two levels. First, I LOVE Rumple being a Magnificent Bastard. Robert Carlyle’s charisma for his villainy is so en pointe as it walks the line between dastardliness and likability. Second, it works for Killian as you really do feel sorry for his situation. While Killian definitely did dig his own grave, knowing the lengths that he went to in order to try and right his wrong, it feels undeserved and is appropriately framed so. Killian clearly hates everything Rumple’s making him do as well as his scheme as a whole and with his limited freedom, he lets Rumple know it, giving the sense that Jane really understood his character as she wrote him this time around, something that tends to be a little hit-or-miss for some writers. Hell, he even tries to convince help Rumple understand that his scheme isn’t worth risking Belle for and that he can still walk out of here with her love! Additionally, as I said before, Rumple gets a lot of standout moments in this episode and practically all of them are done with Killian.

Writer

Jane Espenson is our sole writer today and she does a fantastic job here! There’s a lot of plot progression in this episode, but it’s thankfully balanced by really good character work. Regina, Rumple, Elsa, Anna, and Emma are definitely among the highlights, but Snow, Killian, Belle, and Blue really rock in their supporting roles. Not only that, but this episode’s sense of time allows for a continuous feeling of urgency that kept the pace of the episode exciting!

Rating

Golden Apple. This was a fun episode to watch. It’s funny, exciting, actually makes some nuanced points about the difficulties of leadership, and really shows the bulk of the town coming together to stop this curse. Things feel very pragmatic in this episode and everyone has a better idea of the people who they’re dealing with. It makes an episode that’s so focused about plot and exposition exciting to watch, even as it has a pretty foregone conclusion.

Dark Side of the Ship

I don’t like using this segment of my reviews, so much so that the last time I did use it was the seventh episode of the series and here we are somewhere sixty-ish episodes later. And this one isn’t even a ship I think is bad, per se, but just one I find doesn’t live up to its potential and I wanted to explain myself as to why I thought so. So, it gets a little anti-OQ here just as a warning if you want to avoid it. I certainly wouldn’t blame you in the slightest, especially if you’re a fan of it.

Not gonna lie, for all the gravitas put on Regina and Robin’s scenes together in both the forest and the mayor’s office, I really wish they actually had a scene together in the next episode. Not only would it have been payoff for that scene, but a fair amount of this half season as well as the last season and their relationship has been a matter of Regina saying “you don’t know the bad things I’m capable of” and Robin saying that’s not the case while only hearing of what she’s done. I’m not saying that Robin can’t love her and choose to be with her despite knowing about these things (I’d be a major hypocrite if I did considering my own ship preferences). But I also can’t help but feel like this is where the real intrigue of their relationship comes from -- they both love each other despite being through things the other couldn’t possibly understand or easily relate to. And I wouldn’t say this if this wasn’t basically the setup for the entire season with a past consequence of someone who justifiably hasn’t forgiven Regina and matters a lot to Robin showing up and again, given the two conversations in this episode filled with importance over Robin possibly seeing Regina as her worst self. The fact that nothing is ever done with that concept in a meaningful way is why I don’t love this ship. If Outlaw Queen was just a fluff ship in the background like it basically was in Season 3, I wouldn’t be complaining, but I’m giving this ship’s development attention because the show is giving it so much attention.

-----

Woohoo!!! Another great episode!!!! Thank you for reading as well as to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales and the awesome @daensarah! Also, let me know if you want to be tagged in these reviews! See you next time!!!

Season 4 Total (79/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (16/60) Jane Espenson: (20/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (30/50) Andrew Chambliss: (14/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30) Kalinda Vazquez: (14/40) Scott Nimerfro: (6/30)

*Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. They take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[pumpkinwritesarchive-blog]

So it has come to my recent attention that I, the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown, have reached the holiest of grails. The fabled 100+ followers ( I add the little + there because then you think I have a million when I really have 101 oh the dastardly cleverness I possess ). To commemorate such a feat as I have never feated before, I shall bestow upon you a list. A list of fortuitous greatness in the ways of writing. A list of noble persons who gift to me worlds of magic and mayhem. There has been pain and there has been great woe, I have made many a friend and few of foe. Here is an incomplete list of those who make this blog and my life that much better for being in it and I gift these people to you, weary follower, so that they may bemuse and delight you as well. 

The Beasties xx

@wemketherules :: dear me, dear my, dearest dear we seek on high! You may struggle and you may falter but your soul rings true and your foes will quake when they hear your name! I live for the dynamic duo that is Gabriel and Sky and I am honestly so blessed to have you on my page. We don’t write too terribly often but honestly Sky is just a delight and Gabe and I truly treasure her and you for allowing us to share ourselves with her. I count you among my dear friends ( we’re married after all ) and I cannot wait to share more adventures with you.

@swtdisasters :: Karly! Kaaaaarly my homie. My broseph. My nerd queen on high. *finger guns* Whazzup? Okay so your ladies are gems, all of them, every single one, and I love reading your threads even the ones I’m not a part of. Bexley is the cutest little snow muffin and I cannot wait to see her and Rhett and explore their cute weirdness together. Keep writing and thanks for sticking by me through this whole- weird interdimensional- odyssey I’ve been going through.

@silentiumxamoris :: can I just take a second to compose myself? I need a minute to get my thoughts in order here. YOU. YOU WICKED LITTLE LOVELY. HOW DARE? HOW. DARE. Harleen is so cute even though we haven’t really written with her but I’m super excited because, werepup, and Cat. Pickle me, hamburgler do we love Cat. She is so sweet and so soft yet so strong and independent. She’s soft without being a doormat and honestly Sawyer is just smitten. You have a great voice and way of writing and I just can’t wait to write more and more with you.

@pcstivityhq :: Hey girl hey, you didn’t think you’d get outta here without being on this list did you? Seabiscuits, you my girl. I love writing with you and honestly I could spend all day every day writing with you and your babies. ( secretly having major panic attacks over what Maddie wants to talk to Rhett about but I love it ) You are a gift to the rpc as both a writer and a friend and I can’t get enough of you on my dash.

@etherexllxght :: WRITE WITH ME YOU FOOL! Kisses. - Pumpkin In all honesty, Kaya, you’ve been my friend for months and we’ve been through some pretty amazing ships together ( Miles x Bo will always be endgame and I still firmly believe Atticus and Blue had their baby and got married and are living in a Scottish cottage in the countryside ). I hope we can explore new ships and new plots and reacquaint ourselves with one another because I really can’t see my world without you in it.

Jeeper’s Peepers ( peeps to follow whom I love ) ::

@theawkwardevans || @write-on-walls || @ivoryxveins || @lostkiids || @glassfoxxes || @houscofmusings || @ctrliing || @stvygcldd || @smartxass || @imjustsmol | @sleuthingspooks || @scoobydudee || @art-emismoon || @lostislanders || @chronicpaper || @feralxxbeauty | @wildmoored || @geniusidict

[buko-pandan]

Taron Egerton, Golden Boy

by: Matt Genefaas

Action, explosions and impeccable tailoring, the new Kingsman film has it all. Following the worldwide success of the first film of the franchise, Kingsman: The Golden Circle is set to hit the big screens this September and packs a star-studded cast. Taron Egerton talks about the excitement of returning to the role of Eggsy for the sequel, his on-screen love interest and what to expect for the highly anticipated release.

Where is Eggsy when we pick up with him?

We meet Eggsy an undisclosed amount of time after the first [film]. But you can see in his mews house that there are three additional Sun headlines on the wall, indicating that he’s done a handful of missions on his own. And he is now going steady, to use a very 1950s term, with – shock horror – the Swedish princess from the first movie. Love blossomed in an unusual place. He’s trying to juggle the lifestyle of being a Kingsman and a full-time spy with also trying to nurture a blossoming relationship with a person who he really loves. He’s basically the same guy, just with a really important job.

He still has those rough edges?

Oh, the rough edges haven’t been sanded off. Eggsy still fucks up. That’s essential for the audience to have a window into the movie, to experience it through his eyes. He still has to escape through a sewer and emerge covered in shit. That’s not Harry Hart. That’s Eggsy. If we’d started the movie with Eggsy being Harry Hart, he wouldn’t have anywhere to go. He’s the rough-around-the-edges lad. We even see him return to an adidas hoodie – that’s who he is on his downtime.

This is your third film now with Matthew Vaughn, who also produced Eddie The Eagle. You clearly work well together – were you in contact with him as he pulled the movie together?

For the whole time he was writing, he always calls and says ideas. There is a real big kid in Matthew. When he has an idea he’s excited about he wants to share it. Just when you think you have a handle on Matthew, who he is and how his creative brain works, he comes in with something else which is really fucking clever. On a daily basis, it’s something I could never have thought of.

The first movie was your first time on a movie set. Did it feel easier this time?

On the first one I thought Matthew could fire me at any moment. I was a bit more tight-lipped and reverential. Now I give as good as I get. It felt easier in that I’ve spent far more time on film sets, and felt more certain of myself and how I function within a film set and this world I now occupy. In other senses, Matthew kept calling it the tough second album, and it is. People shout ‘Eggsy!’ at me in the street sometimes, and that’s quite a thing to reconcile yourself with, that you’re coming back and playing the same role again, and people have a level of expectation from you. They want the same thing again, but they also want it to be new and exciting. Kingsman has totally changed my life, so coming back, the overriding emotion was excitement, and real anticipation. The script was great, and it’s a really great story. I was so excited, and to be doing a sequel to your first film within four years of coming out of drama school, I am the luckiest man on the planet.

Have you changed your approach to the character?

On the first, I was constantly thinking about the accent and it doesn’t cross my mind now. He’s very much a part of me. I don’t think about it for a second now. I’ve played this character from his inception and I feel secure.

The best-kept secret in movies – that Colin Firth is back as Harry Hart – is now out. So what can you say about Eggsy’s relationship with Harry in this movie?

Well… we were on the same set, and we are friends and I love his company, and it was really nice to revisit a job well done. There were a lot of ways Matthew could have gone with the sequel, but in my mind, there was no doubt. I’m not sure how far the movie goes without that Harry and Eggsy relationship. That dynamic, and riffing on that dynamic, is the beating heart of the movie.

Has the relationship changed?

When they are reunited, it’s lovely. It’s very affecting and they’re pleased to see each other. But for undisclosed reasons, a tension grows in their relationship. That’s enormously fun and an interesting dynamic. When Harry and Eggsy’s relationship came to its untimely end in the first one, they weren’t on good terms. It’s quite sad. Eggsy hasn’t dealt with the situation particularly well. So in this movie you expect a reconciliation and you get it, but because of other facts it’s not always harmonious. Matthew knows that’s the key. You’ve got all the guns and fighting and that makes it brilliant, but for me it’s about Harry and Eggsy.

Early in the film, an attack on Kingsman has huge ramifications for Eggsy. What are those ramifications?

What it means for Eggsy is he was disenfranchised at the start of the first one, and aimless and not content. This wacky world he becomes involved with gives him direction and purpose, so to dash it to smithereens at the top end of this second episode is mad. Eggsy doesn’t really know what the hell to do. Sometimes sequels don’t work. This works because we get a reset. Everything was OK, and now it’s not again.

The big new additions to the film are the Statesmen, the American equivalent of Kingsmen, who Eggsy and Merlin discover in the wake of the attack on their own organisation. What can you say about these new arrivals?

The Kingsmen make their money through tailoring and that’s their front, but it’s more limited in terms of reward and finances than selling booze. The Statesmen are a level up. We thought our jet was good, but theirs is a fucking jet. You can see Eggsy being wide-eyed with wonder again.

The cast Vaughn has assembled for this movie is astonishing.

It’s amazing. One minute you’re working in Peacocks and then all of a sudden you’re sat at a table with Jeff Bridges, Colin Firth, Channing Tatum and Halle Berry! It’s a weird thing to be part of. They’re such great characters and so animated and larger than life and played by such great performers.

What’s the relationship like between Eggsy and the Statesmen?

I think to begin with it’s one of mistrust. These organisations aren’t aware of each other. They’re only supposed to become aware of each other in the event of a serious disaster. Eggsy and Merlin find themselves face to face with Agent Tequila, and have a fight… I don’t recommend fighting Channing Tatum. He’s a dancer, but that guy is like an ox. I had a few sore fingers after that.

Talk us through the Statesmen.

Ginger (played by Halle Berry) is the equivalent of Merlin. She’s very clever and you might describe her as bookish, she’s a quieter character. And then there’s Channing Tatum, who has a bit of bravado and is butch and manly. He’s quite gung-ho. He likes his weekend parties. He ends up in stasis, having taken some sort of illicit substance. Jeff as Champagne is really cool. He’s an alcoholic who doesn’t drink, but is forever swilling and spitting whiskey, or he sniffs the whiskey as he’s talking and trying to figure [stuff] out. Then there’s Pedro Pascal, who plays agent Whiskey, and he is a kind of seasoned veteran, their top field agent, who takes me under his wing. For a little while, it begins to feel like he might be a new mentor figure for Eggsy in the absence of Harry Hart, who is not quite what he once was. But you also get the sense that Whiskey might be a little reckless, and a little cold.

And, of course, there’s Julianne Moore as the villain of the piece, Poppy.

She has a dastardly plot that’s every bit as chilling as Valentine’s plot from the first movie. That’s thematic of these two films. There’s a very cold world in which you get what Valentine was saying about global warming. You can also sort of see where Poppy is coming from, depending on how conservative you are. But Julianne is lovely. She’s a children’s author as well and heard that I had two young sisters and she sent some of her books. She’s really great in the movie, really disturbing and saccharine and rotten to the core. The smile never reaches the eyes.

The first film pushed the envelope with its R-rated tone, exploding heads and stylish violence. Does the second follow that up?

You’re not going to be leaving the cinema feeling like Matthew played it safe this time. It takes a character like Matthew’s to be as resolute and uncompromising as that, in the face of all the pressures that come when it’s a commercially viable property. If you call the first one provocative, you’d call this one a punch in the face.

So it’s a movie that may ruffle feathers.

I think it may ruffle feathers more than the first one ruffled feathers.

[pass-the-bechdel]

Sherlock season four full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

33.33% (one of three).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

41.33%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

One (episode two ‘The Lying Detective’ (46.66%)).

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Ten. Five who appear in at least two episodes, and four who appear in all three episodes.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Nineteen. Four who appear in at least two episodes, and four who appear in all three episodes.

Positive Content Status:

None. Any positive aspects this show may ever have possessed are herein systematically destroyed to form one of the most outrageously offensive collections I have seen in years (average rating of 1.6).

General Season Quality:

Also none. The second episode shows some glimmers of intelligence only to quash them utterly when it reveals its twist; the rest is often as dull and basic as it is idiotic and insulting. 0/10 I heartily do not recommend. 

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

Well. At least I’m not stuck for content to discuss, right? Instead, I have so much to disparage I couldn’t possibly fit it all into this post without running five times the length of a typical season review; it’s amazing that they managed to commit so many atrocities in just four-and-a-half hours of television. And on a show that has sold itself on being so smart and intellectually stimulating, too! This season aired in amidst the latest season of Teen Wolf, a show that absolutely does not claim to be aimed at the intellectual crowd and which nevertheless has been tackling the concept of metaphysical existence (no, really) and asking some truly fascinating and emotionally powerful questions about the human relationships it has spent six years building up in all their intricately believable splendour, at the same time as telling some of the most tightly-woven, moving and bombastically entertaining mystery narratives I have ever had the pleasure to sit through. I’m just saying, between the two shows, I know which one has come through the more brilliantly with drama, suspense, poignancy, and above all cleverness. Unfortunately, I’m here right now to talk about the stupid show, not the smart one.

This final season of Sherlock seemed determined to convince us all that Sherlock himself is the best guy ever, the ‘good man’ that Lestrade always hoped he would be (Lestrade was graciously allowed to cameo for the purpose of proclaiming that this was so, in what was definitely not a random, awkward, and overly-manufactured moment at all). As proof of Sherlock’s best-ness, we were treated to a season full of other characters treating Mycroft like utter crap just in case the audience might have thought he was the better guy (which, let’s be real, he is), the woman in John’s life was briskly killed off so that she could leave posthumous DVD messages telling John and Sherlock to be together forever because they’re like, meant to be and obviously they’re The Most Important and she was just in the way of their love (but like, p.s. also they’re super hetero and not gay, ew), and Sherlock was gifted a secret psychotic sister so that he could defeat another female adversary using his Superior Manly Compassion whilst the plot simultaneously completely ignored the horrendous psychological abuses this plot foisted on all three Holmes’ since childhood. I mean, if we acknowledged the psychological impact of all this stuff we’d have to admit that Mycroft has actually done a magnificent job of taking care of his little brother and of achieving something meaningful with his life despite the weight of emotional responsibilities placed on him as a kid and the apparent neglect and utter uselessness of the Holmes parents (who are themselves looking a whole lot less like the kooky comic relief season three wanted them to be), and in acknowledging that we’d also have to acknowledge the reality of the emotional strains that the Holmes brothers have been denying themselves all along and THEN we’d have to admit that treating Mycroft like crap for doing his best with an awful situation is pretty problematic really and that would undermine the season-long insistence that Mycroft sucks, wouldn’t it? No, we must ignore all this stuff: the point is that Sherlock has a crazy sister, and that even if she’s intellectually smarter than him he’s better than her because he Has Emotions, and Mycroft is trash because the emotions he has are inconvenient to the narrative purpose we’re trying to push! Mycroft bad! Emotions bad! Except when it’s extremely limited emotion displayed by a self-absorbed consulting detective who otherwise spends all of his time being manipulative and openly cruel to the people in his life! Man, Sherlock is the best. I wish I could be like him.

Sherlock is, of course, so much the best that he has a long history of drugging his friends and family against their wills, and no one cares about the breach of trust and consent after the fact! He’s so much the best that he wins the heart of a lesbian woman, not to mention the enduring affections of the coroner whom he uses and abuses for LITERAL YEARS, a woman who apparently continues to love him no matter how often he insults her publicly or manipulates her to get access to her workplace, a woman who supposedly keeps right on loving him even after he has failed to change his ways after being called out, and even after she got engaged to another man, and on and on through all the emotional devastation so that she can show up at his flat all smiles in the closing montage of the show. But of course we already knew that Sherlock could be as horrible as he liked without risking the loss of friendship or support; look at John Watson, who stays despite the drugging and being treated like a lab rat, and the trauma of the two years Sherlock was faking being dead, and that time Sherlock pretended a bomb was about to blow up and incinerate them both, and the ACTUAL VIOLENT DEATH OF HIS WIFE (which admittedly had the all-important plot purpose of making John frosty toward Sherlock for a little bit before he was manipulated into caring again, because that’s how good healthy relationships work with wonderful people like Sherlock). And Mrs Hudson puts up with him despite how he treats her like a doormat AND shoots holes in her walls, and Lestrade puts up with him despite the literal crimes Sherlock commits and the havoc he wreaks upon Lestrade’s career, and of course Mycroft puts up with him despite the political strings he has to pull to keep Sherlock out of trouble, up to and including helping Sherlock get away with literal cold-blooded premeditated murder in front of multiple witnesses. No big. Sherlock is a wonderful guy (but clearly Mycroft is the worst ever). No wonder both Moriarty and Eurus focused all their cleverest evil plots on Sherlock, when he’s the centre of the universe and also the Best Ever! It all makes sense now! How clever! (love how the dastardly Moriarty plot from beyond the grave was just that he had recorded a handful of annoying ticking noises for Eurus to play while she got Sherlock to play some Murder Games. That’s amazing plotting, right there, and definitely worth letting Sherlock get away with murder scot-free. But hey, at least making Moriarty’s ‘revenge’ against Sherlock into a large part of Eurus’ plans handily makes her actions not only all about Sherlock, but about Moriarty as well, because it was very gross for a second there when it seemed like Eurus might have some agency of her own. Maybe if she was her own person instead of just another Sherlock-obsessed shill, she would have done better things with her time and talents than making some bland Murder Games in her Island Prison and occasionally sneaking to the mainland to smile at Watson on a bus. I mean, what? Wow, I’m super-convinced that she is the smartest one and also capable of controlling people to do her bidding just by talking to them and all that other crap. Yes, she is surely the scariest and most capable villain who really just needs a hug. This makes loads of sense and is very compelling). 

Urgh. Y’all get it. If you watched it yourselves (my condolences) you hardly need me to tell you how bad it was. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so condescendingly offensive, so obviously plot-holed and yet smugly insistent about its own supposed intelligence.  And that’s before we even acknowledge the queer baiting, the dearth of racial diversity in the cast, or the dedicated policy of misogyny that demands no woman be allowed to pass through the story without being mistreated by Sherlock and then falling in love with him anyway (and if she refuses? If she doesn’t fall for Sherlock, if she doesn’t let him become the centre of her world, if she questions or opposes him? She’s trash, she’s shallow and unlovable, she’ll come out on the wrong side of the story after being manipulated by the villains (I note that no one is ever held accountable for being manipulative in this show, it’s always the victims of manipulation who are treated like idiots for being fooled. Fuck that sincerely)). The only real exception to the rule is Mary, but she commits the crime of being too involved in the story by virtue of being married to one of the leading men, and that means she’s gotta go. This is a story about two men being men and solving crimes! Being smarter than other people and rubbing their noses in it and laughing and sucking each other’s dicks (metaphorically, not literally, that’s queer and we only want Hella Hetero male leads, damn)! Don’t you just love a manly man who runs around town with his just-a-friend manly hetero male friend and solves crimes and is patronising to other people for being less smart than him and more mature and whatnot because omg isn’t it everyone’s fantasy to just be smarter than everyone and be a straight white male and therefore be able to get away with anything? Yeah-huh, that’s what I thought. Obviously there’s no room for women (who are stupid and annoying and too emotional for crime-solving, probably), so is it any surprise that Mary dies, really? She kept John busy while Sherlock was ‘dead’, but now Sherlock is back so we don’t need Mary anymore! She understands, of course, that’s why she sacrifices herself for Sherlock, but only after being prescient enough to prepare some messages encouraging the severe emotional manipulation of her grieving husband so that he can fall back into Sherlock’s clutches and they can live happily ever after in a not-gay way! What an important plot device Mary proved to be. I’m glad she was there to be the a-typical woman-thing to help the plot in a different way to the other boring woman-things, aren’t you? Gee it’s good. What a clever show. I gotta go cleanse my palate now, but definitely not because this show leaves a bad taste in my mouth that sends my sarcasm into overdrive so that I can do something other than keysmash angrily. Ahem. When’s the next episode of Teen Wolf?

[rafia-jan]

A Series of Unfortunate Events (2017) REVIEW

While I enjoyed the entirety of the first season of one of the most anticipated shows of 2017, there were still a few aspects I felt this reboot lacked. However, there were still plenty of new features and artistic choices that I very much appreciated in Netflix's ASOUE.

I want to start by saying each episode portrayed a phenomenal marriage between vibrant and eerie colors amongst the sets and costumes. I felt the aesthetics of this show were wonderfully executed, it only made me want to watch it more. The CG effects weren't as mediocre as I'd thought they would be, in fact, they were more than decent. There were remnants of its 2004 movie version that felt familiar, but the producers still managed to form a completely new identity. My only wish was to include more gothic accents to the costumes and settings.

Which brings me to my next point. I watched the movie in 2004 when I was 10, and I was highly intrigued by the dark nature of the film, it's what led me to binge-watch this series. I thought I was coming in for a more mature depiction of a children's series. The story alone is whimsical enough to categorize itself as a series for younger audiences. A dastardly villain who will stop at nothing to destroy 3 clever children who use their unique skills to escape his evil clutches? It sounds thrilling and exciting enough to lure in a younger audience. However, most of the people who watched this were teenagers or adults because of the connection we have with the books and movie when we were children. I wished there was more grit and despair as we saw in the movie. The only despair that came to mind was when Lemony Snicket was on screen explaining how we should feel dismal about the Baudelaire children. While the quirky characters and breaking of the fourth wall were amusing, the rest of it felt too silly to empathize with. I get that adults don't listen and children are misunderstood, but the repetition was overdone.

I haven't read the books, so I'm not sure if this is what the author intended to emit from his books (if so, then I apologize in advance for the remainder of this review).

In terms of acting, there were highs and lows. Neil Patrick Harris is super fun to watch, but at times I felt I was watching Barney from How I Met Your Mother in costume. Only when Olaf was disguised as someone else was I immersed into his acting. I'm sure in the next season NPH will have more of a feel for his character, and maybe then Count Olaf will be understood more through some backstory. I'm not completely mad at his portrayal, there were many instances in which I enjoyed the extra dash of drama and wit. In my mind, Jim Carrey's take on the role was more sinister, which was what made the movie stick out to me as a kid. He was a villain that scared the shit out of me, so that jarring cruelty is what I want most from NPH next season (which I'm positive he can pull off).

The children were fun to watch. They seem fairly new in the acting business, at some points in the series it was obvious, but they did a good job of emulating depressed, yet hopeful, orphans. I read somewhere that the ages of the actors are more accurate in this version, so kudos to the studio b/c that rarely ever happens in book-to movie/tv-adaptations. I enjoyed the family dynamic and the positivity they struggled to keep afloat when things felt down. There were numerous mini-lessons in each episode that are influential to younger audiences, which 20-somethings like me can appreciate.

Malina Weissman does a wonderful job at portraying Violet as a responsible, kind-hearted girl with a passion for inventing. One thing I caught was how gender-roles were challenged in this show, they were actually addressed here and there without it getting preachy. Louis Hynes wasn't too convincing as Klaus, but he did give off a sense of sophistication and more emotion than the movie Klaus. Sometimes I felt he wasn't likable enough. Though this show was all about the Baudelaire's, I felt I didn't get to know them as much as I wanted to. Usually after I watch a show or movie, I'll have favorite characters running through my mind all day, that didn't quite happen here. Hopefully that will change in the future installments. Sunny was great of course, not much acting involved, but she was adorable (only complaint: WHY WITH THE NEON GREEN CAPTIONS!?).

With the secondary characters, I was up and down. I loved Joan Cusack! Every role she plays is just bursting with flowers and teddy bears. She brings such sunshine and love to every project, even when she was under Olaf's influence. I just wanted to give her a big hug. Well done! K. Todd Freeman plays Mr. Poe. If his character is meant to be a nuisance, I believe Freeman achieved his goal. Every time he was on screen, I found myself suffering a migraine. He was so oblivious and imbecilic it hurt my head. Perhaps that was the goal, but at times it felt a bit overdone. Don't get me wrong, Freeman's acting was on point, but I just struggled not to scream whenever he was on screen.

The first of the guardians, played by Aasif Mandvi, was a delight to watch. Morty truly felt like that cool uncle we all wanted as kids. He was extremely likable and joyous. I genuinely felt those Billy Connolly vibes, but Mandvi made this character his own. Of course he met his unfortunate demise, but it was probably the only death I was saddened by.

Aunt Josephine played by Alfre Woodard wasn't the most pleasant to watch. I found the show slowing to a lull in the 2 episodes following her guardianship. It may have been the acting or writing, but I honestly didn't find that character was well executed. It also may be the fact that Meryl Streep played Josephine in the movie and she did a remarkable job . . . she, unfortunately, set the bar very high.

Finally, Catherine O'Hara. A SOUE alumni! She was very intimidating as Dr. Orwell. I felt she was more convincing as a villain than Olaf, to be very honest. Her acting chops were effortless, she knows how to play the part. I enjoyed her on the screen, though her death was rather anticlimactic. I'm not sure how it played out in the books, but it was super disappointing (visually??).

The plot is obviously something I've seen before. I expected much of it but there were new aspects regarding the mother and father and the Miserable Mills. I was hyped at the beginning, mainly due to nostalgia, but it slowly faded with the storyline (pacing issues). There was banter between characters that felt prolonged, which ties in to the "too silly" factor I've mentioned many times before. The acting faltered here and there, which lowered my interest, but the big picture led me back in. By the time we swept through the guardians I was back in! The main concern of the children were being addressed and there were actual dismal events that meant more to me as an audience member. It's a shame we got to the meat of the story so late into the show. Now all I want is the next season (probably the point).

Over all, I think this show deserves a second season. This first season showed how much potential ASOUE has in becoming a pop-culture staple in the generations to come, just as Harry Potter has. This show can grow into a beautiful rose for everyone to admire with proper deliberation on what should change and what should be enhanced. The main actors were chosen well and the world is displayed wonderfully whimsical through fantastic cinematography. It's definitely a show for children and adults, but it needs some work to flourish in the future. 7/10 because it has room for improvement.