#this is about the situation that led to me finally getting my license but also why whenever i experience the love of god im like 🔪

[iscariotapologist]

having trust issues is fun because on the occasion someone does something genuinely kind for you it feels like you're trying to breathe underwater. what do you mean you're "being nice"? 🤨?

[spnjediavenger]

It Won't Last Forever (Chapter 3)

Title: It Won’t Last Forever (Chapter 3)

Type: multi-chapter; father!Hotch x teen!daughter!reader, some bau x teen!reader (platonic!)

Warnings: canon-typical Criminal Minds sadness 

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions PTSD

Spoilers: S5 SPOILERS

Notes: The PTSD description is a mix of my own experience and some I read online - this is not how ALL PTSD is experienced.

The Container Exercise is a real thing, one of my past therapists actually walked me through it and i love it

EMDR is an actual method of therapy and it works for some and not for others, it's also very dependent on person and situation; this is taken from my own experience and doesn’t reflect everyone’s

As always, love and/or constructive/friendly criticism is welcome and encouraged!

Word count: 814 (shorter, transition chapter)

“It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty.” Dalai Lama

When Hotch informed Rossi that Y/n had finally agreed to therapy, the older man told him that he had an old friend who was a licensed therapist and specialized in PTSD. Hotch was grateful for the suggestion. He decided to bring Y/n to work with him so he and Rossi could talk to her about it together. 

When they got to the BAU, everyone greeted her, glad she wasn’t as emotionless as the last visit. Hotch then brought her up to his office, keeping the door open. 

Y/n pulled some homework out of her bag as her dad began to work at his desk. A light knock came to the door about 30 minutes later, making both Hotchners turn their heads up. 

“Hey, Dave,” the older Hotchner greeted and waved him in. 

Rossi walked in and patted Y/n’s head, making the girl smile a bit. He sat in the chair next to her. 

“What’s going on?” Y/n asked, looking from Rossi to her dad. 

“Y/n, I know you’re hesitant about starting therapy. But when I mentioned to Dave that you agreed to it, he mentioned he knows someone that might be a good choice.”

“Dr. Warner is a friend of mine, very good in her field. She specializes in kids dealing with PTSD. We figured you might feel a little better if you’re talking with someone one of us knows.”

Y/n thought it over for a second, gave a half smile, and nodded a bit. “That sounds good. Could you…could you be there too, Dave? For the first time at least?” she asked. 

The older man smiled warmly and put an affectionate hand on her cheek. “Of course, bambina.”

Y/n giggled a bit and smiled at the italian nickname only Rossi used for her. “We’ll get you better, kiddo.”

Y/n put her hand on his and smiled. “Thank you.”

Y/n sat in a small waiting area with her dad and Rossi. Her leg bounced up and down wildly as her eyes darted around the room, trying to find something to focus on. She only stilled her leg when her dad put his hand on her knee, catching her attention. Her movement had stopped and she turned to look at him. 

“Y/n, it’ll be alright. Dave said Dr. Warner is a nice woman. And therapy goes at your own pace and comfort level. You’ll be just fine. Ok?” Hotch held his palm up and Y/n accepted his hand. 

“Ok,” she sighed. 

“Y/n Hotchner?” a voice called from the other side of the room. 

Hotch ran a comforting hand over her back as she took a shuddery breath and they walked over with Rossi in tow. 

The woman led them into a room and shut the door behind everyone. She held her hand out to Y/n first and introduced herself, “I’m Dr. Warner, but you can call me Peggy.” She shook each person’s hand and gave Rossi a small hug as well. 

“Thanks for doing this, Peg,” he said warmly. 

“Any friend of yours is a friend of mine, Dave. Please, everyone, take a seat anywhere.”

Y/n sat on the couch across from Dr. Warner’s chair and had her dad and Rossi sit on either side of her. 

The session started simply with Dr. Warner explaining to them how things would go and taught Y/n a tool for when she was between sessions. 

“This is called the Container Exercise,” she explained. “I want you to close your eyes and picture a container. It can be any kind you want. A box, a jar, anything. Think of the shape of it, the color, if there are any designs on it. Do you see it? Now, any time bad memories or feelings come up between our sessions, or you aren’t in a place where you can properly handle them, I want you to imagine putting those memories and feelings inside your container and sealing it until we can talk about them. You can open your eyes now.”

The rest of the session went by rather smoothly as well. They didn’t get too far into specifics about Y/n’s trauma since it was the first session, but Dr. Warner got the basics of what they would be working on. Upon understanding these things, the doctor recommended a technique called “EMDR” which both Hotchners agreed to start for Y/n at the next session. 

When the group left, Hotch kissed Y/n’s head before she got into the car. “I’m proud of you, sweety.”

The girl smiled and hugged him. “Thanks, daddy.”

She was on the road to recovery.

“You survived the trauma. Now, you’ll survive the recovery.” Unknown.

[kr-han]

Cobra, Murayama, and Bike

I was originally wanting to prove that Cobra never going to high school. But I ended up finding something more intriguing about the whole situation. Remember this credit scene from Final Mission?

Why would Murayama go to meet Cobra in person like that, in front of the whole Sannoh Rengokai's members? I feel like there is an underlying issue in this scene. Which come to my assumption that Murayama actually doesn't want to talk about bike, it was something else.

But upon the presence of other members that might be Murayama didn't expect to be there (but hello, it's Sannoh! They're always in a group anyway), he holds it up. Instead, he asked about bike. Cobra, in the other hand might seem like stoic and has a personality like 'I don't give a fuck', but he's not. He knew all along that bike was never Murayama's concern that's why he asked, "Can you get a license?"

Cobra knew it and he played dumb (such a snake—well, he is). With that question, it'll postponed their talk because they want it to be private. Just both of them. But when it comes, it wouldn't just about bike. It might something else, about life for example.

I might get it wrong, but almost everyone in fandom portrays them as oblivious. But no, I don't think so. They might be oblivious, sometimes. But not every time. Presumably, they're just awkward around each other. Because, no doubt, they just known each other as a person not as a leader of some gangs.

Back to driver's license. I don't think Cobra would be that cruel to Murayama. Because I have an assumption about him, and his bike and it linked to MUGEN era. Let's take a look on this scene from Road to HiGH&LOW.

Three of them are childhood friends, but let's dive into the details. Noboru wore a high school uniform which means he went to high school. No wonder, because he went to university as well (dropped out, though). Then, by this scene, you may ask, do Cobra and Yamato went to school? My answer would be no.

Why? They're in MUGEN. They did road trip, perhaps, from morning to another morning. With that, when they have time for school? No. Because they don't go to school. They just ride.

Why is Cobra MUGEN and whether or not he went to high school linked to the question: "Can you get a license?"? Let me elaborate. According to this cart:

MUGEN's members' bike are in heavy motorcycle category which requires to be 18 years old to get a license. If Cobra and Yamato joined MUGEN in their high school era at that time, they were about 16 years old. That's breaking the law but who cares anyway they ride bike without helmet.

There are two possibilities about Cobra and Yamato's driver license:

They have driver's license but they but not the right one.

They don't have.

And why don't they go to school? It simply because they already have job. In present timeline, Yamato already taking over Asahina Garage and Cobra would take over Hino Gas Station (I assume his parents are still alive by the timeline and yes, he's not jobless. I thought he was jobless LMAO). Whereas Noboru's parents seem didn't have any business in Sannoh that's why Noboru need to be educated in order to get a job (which is realistic).

Also, in my opinion, with his personality, Cobra would never didn't want to talk about bike with Murayama just because he didn't get a license yet. It was because both of them know that it's not the real thing they wanted to talk about.

They did talk, anyway. Remember this scene from HiGH&LOW The Worst?

Was he really busy? May be not. But Cobra is a chronically offline person in my opinion, he prefers direct conversation. But hey, he picked it up, at least. Even teased about the bike. They finally get a chance to talk.

He teased because he wanted to make sure whether or not Murayama was ready to talk about the real thing. I might overthink it, but in my assumption, they talk about life, and it was adulting to be exact. In my opinion, more like my head canon, this particular talk with Cobra led Murayama to graduate from Oya High and somehow Furuya and Seki found out about it.

But hey, I Murayama did get a bike at the end, right?

From now on, it'll be just my head canons and my interpretation of their characters. They complement each other. Murayama has a childish persona and Cobra has a mature persona. But deep inside, they are the opposite of their persona. It seems like as the time goes on, as they have a lot more talk, Cobra would talk more, and Murayama would listen more.

Platonically or romantically (I'm their shipper anyway), they're comfortable with each other's existence and company. You know sometimes, no matter how much you trust in your best friend, no matter how much you love them, and you know they would never judge you, there will always things you can't talk about with them. That's how Cobra and Murayama connected.

They're both leaders, and they became leaders just because they're stronger than anyone else. They were clueless and don't know if they did the right thing with their current role. Murayama was a lone wolf, whereas Cobra was a follower. He has been tagging along with Tatsuya and Kohaku for a long time. They completed each other.

With their responsibility as leaders, there's always something they couldn't talk to their closest friends. For Cobra, he couldn't talk about it to Sannoh's member even though they're Yamato and Noboru. For Murayama, he couldn't talk about it to Furuya and Seki. That's why they talk to each other, leaning on each other's back, joining hands in the same burden. They could understand each other and glad that they find each other. That's how Cobra and Murayama connected. That's how their dynamic work.

[dnpoll]

my personal explanations below the cut!

also i scheduled this poll and i realised i forgot ARIANA GRANDE that's deep lore... GOD

muse: one of the things that dan and phil bonded over when they met each other - phil's favourite artist with his streams making it dan's top artist from 2014-2016. they have also seen muse at least five times! dan has played muse songs several times on the piano (specifically sunburn) + they did a lip sync video to muse for bbc radio. also they made fun of kristen stewart a lot when they were younger (they have since apologised and called her an iconic) and she was in twilight and muse supermassive black hole is famously in twilight so...

final fantasy vii: the soundtrack with interrupted by fireworks! dan said it reminded him of phil in a formspring answer <3 and that's all...

fall out boy: firstly "no but seriously imagine if:". secondly they have interviewed fob several times for the bbc! thirdly, specifically with pete wentz, he was dan's icon in his teenage years. he followed dan because of the interviews with him - he even prank called dan in call or delete. but as punishment in a best friend quiz video, phil tweeted "sometimes i dream about being one of the reindeer galloping through the sky with leather straps tying me to my friends mm yes carrots please" from dan's account - and pete wentz unfollowed fob. i am also convinced they think the milk fic is a petekey fic or something

the 1975: dan and phil called into the radio as fans when they were not hosting and the 1975 was there! dan said he was there with "his friend phil" and matty healy immediately recognised them as "dan and phil from the radio" despite them trying to be sneaky about it. dan also LOVED a brief inquiry into online relationships which he posted on his story and said he was "personally attacked by literally every song on the album". mm okay

my chemical romance: firstly "no but seriously imagine if". secondly dan specifically was/is a huge fan of mcr - although phil did sing welcome to the black parade (incorrectly) in a yasuhati video). mcr was also referenced in dan and anthony padilla's stop emo hate video, basically i'm gay and the dream daddy series, just to name a few (they g note a LOT). also hesitant alien featured in the tour of dan's brain video! gerard used to follow dan on twitter but doesn't anymore... beef?

panic! at the disco: firstly "no but seriously imagine if". also brendon and ryan are in the milk fic which they constantly reference. also there's a dnp edit with 57k views to house of memories

frank ocean: dan's top song in 2012 was "thinkin about you" by frank ocean which ppl talk abt a lot for many reasons. he also said his religion was frank ocean in 2016 LOL

troye sivan: YOUTUBE FRIENDS LOL - the iconic pic with dan, phil, troye and tyler! also dan and phil were the first people to play troye sivan's happy little pill on the radio, and are thus partially responsible for his success. troye sivan also led to chappell roan's success, so basically muse is responsible for chappell roan. troye also featured in a phil glasses video!

one direction: firstly, dnp interviewed them - a harrowing event that they outline in detail in tabinof. secondly, the iconic dan eating an orange picture behind a 1d concert. lastly, they talk about harry styles quite a bit - phil posed as him in a viewers pick my outfit, and of course the rotisserie chicken situation

nick jonas: hey buddy you in london #dick

smash mouth: more recent dan-based lore but mark (tour member) made an instagram story asking how to get all-star licensed. a phannie (royalsdnp on twt) then tweeted about it, and smash mouth (the twt account) saw it. dan then tweeted at the account asking for it, and it worked! smash mouth is now an official dannie, having tweeted orange for wad, and also offered the original demo for shrek to be used, saying it can maybe be for dan's next special. generally insane because dan has ofc always been a huge shrek fan as a part of his meme personality in the 2010s, even dressing up as him for a calendar

[doublethot]

Aching Ch. 1 SteddiexReader

It wasn’t ever really part of the plan to go into childcare. You’d gotten a CPR certificate in college as a community service credit requirement, and at the end of your junior year had decided to take a gap year. During that gap year you fell into babysitting, the CPR training appealing to parents making you look more appealing than a rival sixteen-year-old who’d just got her driver’s license. Before you knew it your gap year had turned into two and you’d been hired as a full-time nanny for a prestigious client.  Your first year in childcare you’d built up enough of a rapport to get yourself hired by hot shot Harrington; Hawkins well known non-profit lawyer. His husband was a musician, a successful one, and neither one had as much time as they wanted for their daughter. Which was where you came in. You took a deep breath as you smoothed out the imaginary creases of your jeans before reaching out to ring the doorbell. The community was gated, but they had given you the information beforehand and you had entered without a hitch. Their house was sprawling, lush green grass, huge glass windows, beautiful flowerbeds. You’re jolted out of your thoughts by the door opening. You’re greeted not by Steve Harrington but by someone else. This man is tall, with broad shoulders, and long curly brown hair. His eyes are deep brown. He smiles sharply at you.

“He’s caught up on a business call, sorry about that darling. I’ll have to do for now. I’m the husband. Eddie Munson.” He thrusts a large, ring clad hand out, which you take, shocked at how warm and rough it feels against your skin. It sends a jolt through your body, and you try not to blush.

“Ah, the nanny!” His voice is booming. You blink in surprise.

“Yes, but uh I thought I was meeting with a Mr. Harrington?” You ask nervously picking at an imaginary fuzz on your jeans. The mans eyes trail over you for a moment, eyes resting on your fingers playing at the tops of your thighs, before clearing his throat.

“Nice to meet you Mr. Munson.”

“Oh, Eddie is just fine, come on inside.”

You toe off your sneakers once inside and follow after him in sock clad feet. The house is gorgeous. Warm tones of gray and blue paint the walls. There are family pictures hung up, along with pictures of what you assume are Eddie’s band, and pictures of people that look like close friends. It’s obviously a very loving home. You’re led to the living room and instructed to sit down. You sit easily on the large sectional and practically sink into it, it’s so plush. Eddie sits next to you, close enough you can feel the heat radiating off of him. It makes your stomach twist in knots.

“So, you’ve been babysitting for about two years now? You enjoy it?” He asks pulling out what you assume is your file. You nod and try to look anywhere but at him.

“I enjoy it a lot, I decided to pursue it full time instead of going back for my final year of college. It just feels right for me.” He nods easily flipping a page over and looking at it.

“You’ve never had any trouble with it, any incidents we should know about?” You shake your head immediately.

“Nothing bad. I’ve never put anyone’s kids in danger, never harmed anyone’s kids. I don’t do drugs; I would never drink alcohol while watching your child and I would never invite anyone around your children that you didn’t know or approve of prior.” He nodded and flipped another page.

“You definitely seem like a good girl. Don’t get me wrong, sweet thing. It’s just that we have to be cautious as parents. You also know what kind of work Steve and I are in right? As of now we are just looking for a nanny during the day but the position might change to be a live in situation. Is that something that you can handle?” You feel an ache start to grow between your legs at the sound of him calling you ‘good girl’ and ‘sweet thing’. You clench your thighs together.

“I’ve never acted as a live-in nanny before. But I live on my own currently and have no partner or children to worry about so making the shift shouldn’t be a problem for me if it’s needed Mr. Munson.” He laughs, loud and booming, waving his hand in the air in dismissal.

“Well, I vetted her again. Can’t be too sure now, can we?” The man counters playfully before standing up. Steve just scoffs before turning his attention to you.

“No Mr. Munson here! Just Eddie! Okay? Don’t need a young thing like you walking around making me feel like an old man like that.” You blush, and nod. “Your resume is solid, and you have glowing reviews. I don’t see a reason not to hire you.” He shrugs, holding a hand out to you. You blink in surprise and go to shake his hand when you’re interrupted.

“She was already hired Ed. I already vetted her.” And an exasperated voice interrupts you. You look over to see Steve Harrington walk in. He’s just as handsome as his husband, with tousled brown hair, an angular face, and dark eyes. He’s dressed casually, in a pair of jeans and a t shirt, his feet are bare. You feel a shock of arousal at that. It’s so domestic, so intimate. To be in their home and to see them this way, they’re so attractive and you get to see them like this. It should be a crime.

“I’m sorry about that! I got pulled into a work call and lost track of time. Its nice to finally meet you.” You stand quickly and go to meet his outstretched hand.

“Thankyou so much for the opportunity, Mr. Harrington.” You say politely shaking his hand. Trying not to notice how small your hand feels in his. Fuck, you really need to get laid. He laughs.

“Oh God no, Steve please. Call me Steve.”

“Right? The manners on this one.” Eddie pipes up laughing slinging an arm around his husband’s shoulders.  Before the three of you can continue talking a squeal interrupts you and a little girl barrels into the room.

“Daddy come and play!” she shouts. Eddie scoops her up easily and peppers her face with kisses.

“Poppy meet your new nanny!” he points to you and Poppy looks at you warily. You smile and wave. She curls closer to her dad and tries to tuck her face into his neck, shy and unsure.

“It’s nice to meet you Poppy, I hope you and I can be friends!” you chirp. Hoping to pull her out of her shell a little. She peeks out at you from her hiding spot.

“Friends!” she belts enthusiastically. You and her fathers laugh together.

It’s easy, working for the family. They are a lovely family. It’s obvious that they adore their daughter. In the mornings before they head off to work, they sit with her at the dining table and help her with her breakfast. As you clean the dishes you watch out the corner of your eye, as they cut up her food, chat quietly with her, kiss her. Doting, loving fathers. They are gone most of the day though, hard working and busy. Steve off doing his lawyering for nonprofits and Eddie with his music in the studio. They work long hours. So your day is spent entertaining and taking care of Poppy’s needs. It’s not always easy, but it is a joy. Playing princesses, fingerpainting, baking cookies, there’s always fun to be had together. It also helps that Poppy’s fathers are two of the most beautiful men you have ever laid eyes on. You know that they have no interest in you at all. They’re married to each other after all. But it’s nice to look, to dream. You haven’t been intimate with anyone in a long, long time. You’re currently leaning back against the counter in the kitchen sipping on a mug of freshly brewed coffee. You watch in interest as Steve sidles up to the coffee pot and pours himself some. Your gaze lingers on his biceps, visible in the black tee he’s sporting today. A warmth grows in your stomach. He takes a place next to you and you bite the inside of your cheek as you feel your sides press together.

“Do you mind staying late tonight? It’s date night for Eddie and I. We’ll pay you overtime.” He asks, blowing on his coffee. You take a sip and act like you’re thinking it over.

“Sure, no problem.” He leans a little more firmly against you.

“Are you sure you don’t mind? It is painfully last minute.” You shake your head.

“Nah, was just going to stuff my face on take out anyway. Not missing out on much, Poppy’s a better plan.” He grunts in understanding.

“You’re an absolute saint. I don’t know what we would do without you babe.” He flashes you a smile before moving away. “Feel free to order in tonight, I’ll leave some cash for you.” Then he heads out of the kitchen. Your heart is pounding, you can still feel his heat on your side.

“Alright ladies! We’re heading out!” You look over and feel your heart kick up at the sight. They’re both in black slacks and black dress shoes, Steve has on a white dress shirt and Eddie a black one. Steve’s hair is coiffed just so, and Eddie’s is pulled into a bun. They look amazing.

“Very handsome.” You compliment politely watching as Poppy runs up to say her goodbyes. Eddie winks lasciviously at you.

“Thank you darling.” Steve smiles and wiggles his fingers in a flirtatious wave. With that, they head out.  You get Poppy settled down for the night, and hunker down for the night on the couch with your take out. Flipping through channels, bored. You stay that way most of the night, curled under an afghan. You don’t bother to go upstairs to the guest bedroom reserved for you, dozing on and off throughout the night. You’re awoken at some point by the sound of the boys getting home. You crack an eye and are just about to get up to greet them when the sound of an unfamiliar voice stops you. It’s a woman’s voice. You freeze.

“Wow, what a nice house!” the woman says, loud, maybe a little buzzed.

“Sssh. Hun. Gotta be quiet. We got a sleeping kid and nanny in the house.” Steves voice. You grit your teeth. You hear a thump and a...a moan?

“Oh yeah fuck that’s good keep doing that you two…wait, fuck wait. I think someone’s down here.” You hear Eddie say and make sure to close your eyes quickly feigning sleep. You can hear his footsteps as he makes his way to the couch and stands in front of you blocking the light of the tv, his breath is heavy. You can feel as he moves the afghan up to cover your legs better. Then he moves away.

“What’s going on?” the woman again.

“Quiet.” Eddies tone is whisper quiet and severe. “The nanny is asleep on the couch. Don’t you dare wake her up. Everyone upstairs now.” You can feel tears prick your eyes as their footsteps fall away up the stairs. You stay very quiet and very still for a long while and are thankful for the giant sprawling house, that there will be no way for you to hear what they’re all up to tonight.

[moonpiemoonshine]

Dirt and Grime

( an expendables fanfic (Barney Ross mostly) idk why but Sylvester Stallone just won’t leave my brain so here’s this. I’m trying make my writing flow a bit better so stick with me here. I’m not great at battle senses so they will be brief, also Idk if I’ll follow the movies, I’m taking more creative license but I hope you enjoy. Italics mean Spanish. )

The bar was lit by the hues of purple and blue LEDs. The glow being vibrant on the woman’s black hair. Her eyes looking down at her empty bottle. Her dark flannel bringing her some sort of warmth. Her eyes roll from the drink to the wall hearing the sound of men coming into the room. She had found a door connecting to a room of similar aesthetics. Just a table and chairs a small tv in a corner of the ceiling and a small fridge full of booze.

The woman hangs out in the room. Drinking a new beer and looking through her phone. She hears the muddled talking of the men outside. She knew these guys, they were the “expendables” and their head quarters where their friend Tools tattoo parlor. Tool and this women knew each other, he had recruited her a while ago when she was just barley 17 when she wore the expendable signature tattoo.

“Look, you guys are gonna need just a little bit of extra help on this mission. I know you guys can dress your own wounds but this mission calls for someone with better and faster nursing skills along side a wild card” Tool says and this grabs the attention of Barney and the crew. Tool went to the door and knocked twice.

This heavily confused the men in the room. They weren’t aware of an impromptu recruitment. The door opened and some of the boys couldn’t help but let their eyes grow wide looking at the woman. She’s young but not a child. She has slight eye bags under her green eyes but it adds a weird charm to her look. Her expression one to think about, the men not knowing if she’s pissed or just stoic.

“Boys may I introduce Evangeline Honey, she is trained in close combat, stealth, and she can make and sorta drug for any sort of situation.” Tool introduced and all she did was tip her head in acknowledgment. The men crowed around the girl slightly wanting a better look at the new woman. Questions erupting at her from left to right, the clash of the mend voices making it impossible to comprehend.

“You sure she’s qualified, a little young ain’t she?” Lee Christmas asked finally catching the girls attention.

“Without me your buddy Tool would be dead, and I saved him when I was seventeen and didn’t finish my training. That was eleven years ago” Honey says cocking an unimpressed brow. Christmas looks at Tool not believing her but Tool reassures it’s indeed the truth.

This kinda cleared the uneasy air in the parlor, and the team went back to drinking and talking. Barney was super intrigued by Honey and he kept eyeing her the entire evening. Honey was going around talking to each member, her conversation with Toll being sweet, her and Christmas had small talk about knives, Gunnar and Caesar try to flirt with her but she seemed disinterested. She finally cycled through and got to Barney. For some reason he felt more confident to talk to Honey and he didn’t realize his tone was more on the flirty side.

“Any good with a gun?“He asks looking slightly down to her. She lets out a slight smirk and looks up at him.

“My finger is a little twitchy, I hear yours is finally catching up with that arthritis of yours” Honey says letting a flirty tone leave her lips. Snickers of the crew are heard and Barney rolls his eyes.

“Listen sweat heart, I can take you down with one bullet” he replies pulling him self down to get closer to her.

“And I can do the same, the only difference is you won’t be able to see mine coming” she ghosts her lips over his chin then steps away from the bar and throws her beer in the air, she quickly swiped his gun and shot a pipe on the ceiling and it ricocheted off the pipe and wall and finally collided into the bottle, shattering it to pieces. 

This shocks the entire room besides Tool and before anyone can say anything Honey places Barney’s gun back on the bar and says “Well, I’m heading out, see ya boys later” she leaves the parlor and heads to her Honda Rebel and heads home. The boys all turn their heads to Tool all thinking if she is real.

“What a woman” Gunnar says with a impressed sigh and Tool agrees.

“Hey Tool, you know what her deal is? How’s she so good but so young?” Christmas asked and some other nodded in agreement.

“Well her old man was a military man gone rouge and her mother was a nurse who made drugs for soldiers, they wanted the perfect warrior and they could only have one child so they did just that with Honey. She could sharp shoot with her right hand and patch up a man with her left” Tool explained and this made Barney think about the woman more. He was entranced and wanted to know more about the dark haired beauty.

The next couple days Honey was briefed over the upcoming mission in a jungle in Mexico. It’s a multi week trip with constant stopping and going and so she was told to pack lots of her medical supplies to help during the slower part of the trip alongside weapons she suits and thinks will be more beneficial to her in the long run. When the morning finally came to take off, Honey shows up to the hanger in black camo pants with a dry fit black long sleeve with combat boots. When she got on the plane she placed herself in a seat and laid down not wanting to talk she just thinks of what she needs to do in this. Barney tried not to stare at honey when getting into the plane, he can’t handle being distracted right now.

When they take off Gunnar and Caesar try to spark conversation with Honey but she is in no mood. She allows herself to fall into a light sleep trying to calm herself before the landing. Before they do land Toll wakes the girl up and she starts to prep her stuff. Barney tells the crew how they need to walk for about two days to reach the base they are looking to destroy. He lets them know they are most definitely gonna run into trouble on the way.

They start to track through the humid jungle. Honey insisted on staying at the back of the group. She’s so light on her feet, Gunnar barley even noticed she was behind him. After an hour into the walk she had split off from the group and walked the surrounding jungle around the men scoping it out and then she heard heavy foot steps and she climbed a tree, and saw a bigger group of men heading towards her crew. She quickly slid down the tree and kept her distance from the crew and climbed up another tree. She wanted to see how these “boys” would handle themselves, so she started to get her guns loaded and put a temporary paralyze meant oil on her needle knife. She watched the fight break out and saw some outliers in the enemy group and decided to take care of them. Using her stealth it took only two stabs at each men to get them onto the ground.

She got closer to the bigger fight and was taking men out left and right using her fast speed and agility to weave through the men and slicing them while passing buy. The ointment making them fall to the group shaking not being able to use their bodies no more. The effects could be reversed with their antidote but she doesn’t plan to give it to these men anytime soon. After a while she spots Barney in a standoff with a man and she sneaks up behind his assailant and stabs in the side and the man falls.

“I was about to deal with that” Barney says getting up.

“Your deal was taking to long to be settled” she replied helping the man up.

Once all the men where down the crew kept going. After a while Barney sees that it got late so he decided it was good to stop. Honey lays her stuff down where she decides to camp and climbed a nearby tree. The men impressed by the speed she exerted. Honey looks out and tried to listen for footsteps or men talking but all she hears is her own teams voices. Going down the tree she acts normal and sets up her tent.

“We’re all good, no men are coming no signs of animal distributions and no marching could be heard” she says setting up her tent. The men nodded at her idea.

The humid air started to bother Honey so going into her tent she takes off her shirt. Not really caring if the boys could see in. She grabbed a small knife from her bag and cuts the sleeves from the shirt and puts it back on. Heading back out to the fire she spots a few of the boys quickly changing the direction their eyes were facing leaving her sight and thinking the scenery was nice out of nowhere. Honey doesn’t say anything and started to wipe off her needle knife and this peaks Barney’s interest.

“Hey your knife, what’s on it that makes men freeze up” He asks and she looks over at him.

“There’s this ointment that can paralyze a man in a minute in injected into the body. I have a remedy for it but I don’t give out my goods unless their earned” she quips and puts her knife back in her bag.

“From what I saw you put your goods on display with no problem just a second ago” Gunnar basically drools and Barney smacks him in the shoulder.

“Hey, have some manners” he snaps and this makes Gunnar roll his eyes.

Honey didn’t know how to respond so she just rolled her eyes. She looked around the group and saw Toll with a gash on the side of his face. Honey scooted herself towards the man and flightless brushes her fingers over the injury and he let out a small wince and Honey grabbed her bag and pulled out a small paste and placed it on her fingers and and went to put it on Toll’s face but he moved it away.

“What is that? You’re not gonna paralyze me are you?” He asks in a small joking tone.

“It’s a paste that’ll take the edge off and help it heal quickly.” She lightly rubs it on the gash and Toll almost immediately relaxed.

“Woah that feels nice” Toll breathed out in relief. Honey let out a small satisfied smile and looked over his arms and put the leftover paste on her hands on his smaller cuts and scrapes.

“These should be gone by tomorrow, now you don’t have to sleep through the uncomfortable pain” Honey explained putting the paste back in her bag and this made Toll smile in relief.

“Hey I got ruffed up too” Caesar said in a semi childish manner and Honey got up and sat next to him putting the paste on his cuts. She went through all the men besides Gunnar and when she finished up with Barney she put the paste back in her bag and was heading towards her tent but then Gunnar spoke up.

“What about me? Look at this! I need some too!” He whined pointing to his shoulder showing a huge cut and Honey gave him an unimpressed look.

“But I thought you already saw my goods, why should you get extra?” She stated sarcastically putting throwing her bag in her tent.

The men around her snickered and laughed at the now embarrassed man. He grumbled in annoyance and crossed his arms like a child. Honey let out a small yawn and zipped her tent closed. The men took that as a signal to start to head off to bed so they put out the small fire and all headed to their respective tents. Barney took first watch and Caesar was tasked with taking second watch.

Honey listened to this interaction and started to think of her plan for the night. While everyone was still making a small ruckus getting ready to sleep, Honey put on a small slightly dirty white dress, she grabbed her small needle knife set and put the paralyze ointment on them and after the ointment dried on the blades she put them in her leg strap holsters. The white dress long enough to hide them. She sat and waited till she heard Caesar wake up and take Barney’s place. After a few minutes Honey concluded that Barney was asleep and she snuck out the open back end of her tent. She walked deeper into the jungle barefoot, she dropped some of her previous clothes to make a small trail and found a sturdy and tall tree.

She climbed to the top of this tree and spotted two camps of men and she went to the closest camp. The men being asleep and she spotted their watcher and she snuck up behind them and slit the man’s throat. She snuck up to the sleeping men and one by one stabbing these men but one of these men woke up and attacked her before she could cut him. They fought but Honey let the man ruff her up a bit before she landed a slice. She finished with these men and one by one she dragged them away from the path she planned to go to the other camp. When she finished hiding the men from camp one she headed to camp two and let some men ruff her up but she got them all to the ground since this group was smaller. Once again she moved the bodies and climbed up a tree and she had found the base her crew was looking for.

She had grabbed a knife from a man’s body and cut her hand and leg and let herself bleed a path. She made her way back to the camp but kept some distance. It had been almost morning and she had been a distance from the camp and she climbed a tree and let out a bloody scream and fake yells for help. The crew had all woken up and noticed her missing and went looking around for her then found the clothes path. They followed that path until the blood trail. The men followed the blood trail and Honey followed the men from a distance once they had noticed the blood trail was gone, they kept going in the general direction and soon got closer to the base they were looking for.

They had seen to guards in the front and were making a plan to storm in, they decided to act like they were an army training group that where lost. They get closer then get in eye sight of the guards and the guards hold their guns towards the men questioning them in Spanish. The men at a standstill of what to do in the moment and then Honey ran from behind the group faking heavy breathing and tears.

“Help me! These men kidnapped me! Please they kidnapped me from my home and took me here and are using me like a toy! Please save me!” Honey screams while making her body shake, she falls to her knees in front of the men and pleading with them.

The crew was super confused and worried. Had she been lying to them the entire time. Was it a double cross, was she paid to get them killed. The guards put Honey behind them and the two men pointed their guns once again at the crew and shouting more angrily at them. Suddenly they’re shouting stopped when Honey stabbed both men in the back and making them both fall to the ground. She placed her knives back into their holsters and now the men where more confused.

“What the hell was that!?” Christmas asked utterly confused.

“What I took out the problem” Honey answered nonchalantly, walking towards the group.

“What are you wearing? What did that whole screaming bit do?” Gunnar asked in a small pissed tone.

“I wanted this mission over and done with so I cut out two days of walking and fighting. I took out two camps while you all were sleeping and I found the base. Gunfire would be heard if we just went at the guards guns blazing so now we can sneak in” Honey explained, she saw Toll holding her bag so she grabbed it and opened it and saw her clothes in it. “Nice of you to grab my clothes. Thanks boys” she thanked while taking off her leg straps and pulling her pants on and taking the dress off and putting on her top on. She slipped on her shoes and put her bag on. “Now what’s the plan now Barney” she asked in a normal manner.

“Well, we need to infiltrate and blow the drugs in the back end of the base” Barney stated in a still confused manner. Once he gained his composure the group headed into the base. They were able to sneak around really well and place the bombs but while exiting the base they got caught up in a nasty fight but came out victorious. Not wanting to get caught again they ran out the base and deep into the jungle, once they felt like it was a safe distance they let the bombs go off. The explosion was huge and a sight to see and kinda beautiful against the Spanish sunset. The team kept walking and when it reached night they set up camp.

“Now you don’t plan to sneak out again do you” Barney asks with a playful smirk and tone.

“No, it’s not fun the second time when no one will chase” Honey replied looking up at Barney continuing the playful tone.

“You can count on me chasing you” Barney remarked and Homey let a quiet snicker.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind” she remarked but realized she was outwardly flirting so she quickly shifted her self a away from Barney changing her tone.

“Say how’d you do the whole screaming thing earlier?” Caesar asked grabbing her attention.

“You’ve never heard of acting?” Lee remarked

“Yes, but how’d you do it so well, so believe able?” Caesar continued.

“The kidnapped dame is a role that I’ve mastered. It takes a couple bruises, cuts and tears and men crumble to become a hero” Honey answered leaning on her hands “I usually just wanna follow the plan but I just wanna go home already”

“You got a man waiting at home or something?” Lee asked in a snide tone.

“No, it’s hot and humid and I hate it here” Honey deadpanned and rolled her eyes. Her temples pluses with pain from her action and Honey decided to take care of it.

She rummaged through her bag and pulled out a larger knife and used it as a mirror to look at the gash on her temple. It was big and deep and she knew she needed to get some stitches. She puts the knife down and grabs the small disinfectant alcohol and pores it down the side of her face. She hisses from the pain but shakes it off. She grabbed an ointment and rubs it on the cut and quickly grabbed a medical needle and thread.

“Hold this” she demands to Toll and forces him to hold up the big knife and she starts to sew her gash closed not even flinching from the pain.

“Doesn’t that hurt?” Gunnar asks curious.

“No the ointment I put on it numbed the area so I can’t feel it” she says tightening the stitches and knots the end and uses the knife Toll was holding to cut the excess.

“How long does the numbing last? Wouldn’t it be uncomfortable having half your face numb?” Gunnar continued to ask now intrigued.

“I didn’t put much on, so it’ll wear off in a few minutes. I work fast and since there’s no pain there’s no struggle so there’s no need to have it long lasting.” Honey explained and started to put her stuff away but then looked up at the men and they basically were begging for something “you guys want me to look you over or something?” She asks confused and most men nodded.

Honey got all her medical stuff out of her bag and one by one all men she cleaned up their harsh gashes and cuts. Wiping the blood from their forearms and face, she even gave Gunnar some medical attention. When she got to Gunnar she kept a weird but not uncomfortable eye contact with the man. It felt like he didn’t want her to stop but she didn’t wanna overthink his body language so she work slightly quicker with his. Once she finishes she heads to bed, her captains face plaguing her mind not knowing how to feel.

The next morning they leave and head back to their base at Tools tattoo parlor to fill him in on their success. The men complimented Honeys inclusion and benefits to the team, especially Barney. Tool gave Honey a satisfied smile and congratulated the crew for their accomplishments. Barney told them how he plans to celebrate the next night at the bar for a good night of partying.



(stay tuned for part 2😌)

[neodreamzenie]

Mafia Member j.jh SERIES

Previous / Next

Mafia Member pt. 8

Wc: 0.6k Warnings: Main character on mission

You were in the car on your way to the club where Seventeen was supposed to meet tonight when suddenly Taeil spoke through his mic. "Okay, once you're there, find a parking lot, but don't leave the car for now. Once you see their van, make sure they're all in the club before you get out, okay?" "Yup!" As soon as you arrived and finished parking, you looked at every car that pulled into the lot so Taeil - through the camera in his earring - could tell you which one was Seventeen's van. After 20 minutes the van arrived at the club.

"That's them. I wrote down the license plate. When they're all at the club, go and put the tracker on their van." With that, you ran behind the van and fixed the tracker under the car. "Good job! Now come back home, Taeyong wants to talk to you about tomorrow's mission." So you drove back home and went straight to Taeyong's office.

"Well done Y/N, you're halfway through the mission. Now let's talk about tomorrow." Taeyong looked at Jaehyun, who then started to explain everything. "So Y/N, tomorrow you will drive to their house alone.§ He started to explain. "You will go to their file room, which is in the basement. The room will probably be locked with a password, which Taeil will find out. He will also turn off all CCTVs. Come back in the morning and we'll discuss the rest." "Understood?" Taeyong double checked. As always, you nodded and Taeyong let you go.

Jaehyun P.O.V

"Don't you think it's a bad idea to let her go alone?" I asked him, feeling somewhat bad about it. "I do have my doubts, but we have to see if she's really ready to do her missions alone. Otherwise we'll have to send her on her missions with the others soon." "You mean you're sort of testing herout?" "Basically, yes." "What if they catch her?" "Then we'll do whatever we can to get her back. She's still the only girl and I don't want Chenle to get mad if we won't find her." I just nodded, not wanting to question him further. With that, Taeyong let me go and I went to my room staring at the ceiling. Why do I have the feeling that something is going to go terribly wrong on this mission?

Y/n P.O.V

It was the next day and you went to Taeyong's office again. "We have the blueprints for Seventeen's house. I want you to take a good look at this and make a plan for getting in and out with no worries." You nodded, took the blueprints, and spent hours drawing up the plan until a knock on the door to your room snapped you out of my thoughts. "Hey Y/n, I wanted to wish you luck on the mission." You could feel how your cheeks warmed slightly and your ears tingled. "Do your best, yeah?" You just nodded again and an awkward silence came up, but Jaehyun broke it after a few seconds. "When you get ready, don't forget to visit Ten and Doyoung. They will give you all the equipment." "Okay, thanks Jaehyun." "No problem, bye." He left your room and you let out all the breath you didn't know you were holding.

You were now situated behind Seventeen's house and went to the back entrance which led to the basement and looked at the blueprints again. "Okay, the cameras are off. The password to the door is 1331." You were walking towards the file room when you heard footsteps, so you decided to hind behind a wall. "What happened to the cameras?" "I dunno, bro." You lost my balance and fell behind, the books on the wooden shelf hanging on the wall behind you knocked down. FUCK!

"What was that?" "It came from over there." You didn't know where they were pointing at, but you were sure they didn't have hearing problems. Would be unfavorable as a mafia member, right? "Y/N, RUN! SEARCH FOR AN EXIT!!" You ran but your damn shoes kept making loud noises. You knew you shouldn't have put on those shoes. You kept running and finally found an exit!

(1331 = 13 members, 3 units, 1 team)

[purplesurveys]

1849

Who are you most nervous about introducing potential significant others to?  I'd go with my parents, although I've never done this with them ever; and Angela, just because she's my biggest confidante and next to my parents she is always The First One to know everything going on in my life.

What was the most important non-academic thing you learned in high school?  That 'fake it until you make it' is legit advice, even though I found and still find it to an extent shady. It was helpful in finally fitting in in high school, and has saved me a million times at work where I need to be an extrovert 24/7. At its core I detest the idea of having to project a certain image of yourself for certain situations, but at the same it's just something I need to grind through lest I get left behind.

Have you ever had a job that deeply affected your personal life? How so and do you still work there?  Yeah. My work is my life. It's all I think about, and even though I have been better at setting boundaries I still am largely known by my peers now by what I do. On a personal level, I honestly still don't know what to make of that; it is just what it is.

Do you have a “one who got away”?  No.

If you were in a superhero movie, would you be the hero or the villain? I'd be one of the citizens scrambling to get away.

If you found a mouse in your house, would you be frightened?  100%.

Have you ever tried to perform magic tricks?  I can do some silly illusions with my hands/fingers. I haven't really tried anything beyond that.

Can you do more with a yo-yo than just “go up and down”? Nope.

What is one form of technology that you wouldn’t be able to live without?  Imagining life without the internet at this age just seems insane. It's grown to become part of nearly everything we do, so the idea of becoming disconnected from everything and everyone feels kind of freaky tbh.

Did you get an allowance, growing up? Why or why not?  I started getting allowances in high school – I was given P100 for recess and lunch, but given that I had finally just started making friends and didn't want to miss out on cool high school parties and soirees and shit, I used to skip meals and instead gather my allowances to be able to go out during weekends (because otherwise my parents didn't usually give me hanging-out money). Definitely an unhealthy and a very stupid way to go about it in retrospect, considering it led to me feeling lightheaded throughout high school.

In college my allowance increased to P2,000 a week so I could cover gas and food.

Would you rather go to a water park or an amusement park? Why?  Amusement park, even though I can't go on rides. At least there's lots of yummy and sinful food options haha. Water parks just feel so much more unsanitary to me.

What is one instrument you wouldn’t mind learning how to play?  Piano.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had to wait in line for something?  I was at the LTO for 7 hours because apparently it takes that look to print out a driver's fucking license in the Philippines. I also waited the same amount of time for Seventeen, but to be fair the only reason we arrived at 12 PM for a 7 PM concert is if we left any later than that, we were going to be stuck in traffic with the rest of the late concertgoers and risk missing a chunk of the show.

What is something that you would like to learn more about?  I would love to take a wrestling class, just for fun and just to get to experience it once. I put my pro wrestler dreams to rest as soon as I made them because I knew I was never going to be physically cut out for it; but it'd be cool to take even just one session to learn the most basic of basics – taking bumps, doing rolls, running the ropes.

What is something that one of your family member collects?  My mom collects anything related to chefs - mostly figurines - as my dad is one and she has always been very proud of that. My dad used to collect Top Gear magazines and had every single issue until they stopped publishing physical copies.

Have you ever moved to a new school before? If so, how did it feel?  I mean, yes, but only because there was no college in my first school – and even if they did it wouldn't have been my choice to enroll there for university anyway. I went to the same school from kinder to high school, then attended my dream university for college; so, really, only changed schools once and it was out of necessity.

Have you ever legitimately forgotten to do homework?  Yes.

Do you enjoy autumn leaves or spring flowers more? Why?  I can't relate.

Depending on where you live, why might a day of school get canceled? Typhoons, or extremely high temperatures which is what is happening now. Kids today are very fortunate for that, whereas my generation hadddddd to power through the summer weather (it was worse for my school since we were one of the few private schools that didn't have aircon).

If you could meet any fictional character from a book, who would it be? Alice Cullen. Or Carlisle hehe.

What are some common places that people tour when they come to your city?  There is a well-known art museum here. Apart from that, I guess just the gazillion cafés we have.

What’s one food that you did not enjoy as a child, but do as an adult?  Curry. Dreaded it every time I smelled my grandma making it, now it'd kill me to miss out on curry – any kind of curry hahaha. Indian cuisine in general has grown to be my favorite type.

Would you rather have a mermaid tail, a fairy’s wings or a unicorn’s horn? I'd take the wings cause it'd be cute to be able to fly!

What is an animal that you’d like to have as a pet but it’s not allowed?  No way.

What are some things that you do to make the world a better place?  I look people in the eye, smile, and say thanks if they hold the door open for me.

Has the last person you had sex with ever had sex with someone besides you?  I'm most definitely certain that she since has. It's been four years.

What’s your favorite store at your mall?  I just go to the local K-pop stores lol. I hardly shop, and if I'm at the mall it's like 99.9% to eat out.

Have you ever done a workout DVD?  No.

Who usually takes out the trash in your family?  My mom or sister. We'll sometimes alternate, me and my sister.

What song are you currently obsessed with?  Together by Seventeen is a BEAUTIFUL song. Absolutely obsessing over it these days.

When you go fishing, do you make someone else get the fish off the hook?  I've never gone fishing.

Do you take any prescription meds?  Nope.

What happens if you don’t take them? 

Who was the last person you dreamt about?  I hardly remember my dreams.

Do you prefer your tea sweetened or unsweetened?  Sweetened.

Do you have any children? If so, names and ages? I do not.

Have your parents ever witnessed you doing something inappropriate? What?  I don't think so, at least not to my recollection.

Did you get babysat a lot as a kid?  No. My cousins and I raised each other and that was all the babysitting we ever needed haha.

Are you doing anything fun tomorrow?  Tomorrow is technically Monday, so there's nothing that'll be happening other than me going back to work. Today's my birthday though so all the fun stuff will be happening today – we have a dinner reservation at my favorite buffet and I'm really excited for that!

What is something you’d like to receive as a housewarming gift?  Wine. Hahaha.

How old were you when you first experienced the effects of puberty?  I mean I was barely 10 when I got my first period, so let's go with that.

What is your least favorite holiday, and why?  Chinese New Year, for political reasons.

Are cemeteries peaceful to you, or do they freak you out?  Serene and peaceful. Not only are those places filled wih a million stories, memories, and experiences of real people; but it's heartwarming getting to see the little trinkets and gifts that people leave their deceased.

We went to visit my grandpa last Sunday and I was touched seeing a letter pinned to a woman's columbary cell – it was a letter obviously written by her granddaughter, and seeing the clumsy handwriting... all just felt very human to me, if that mkes sense. Being in cemeteries or similar places evokes a sense of calm for me.

Has anyone close to you ever gone to war?  Nope.

Have you ever experienced altitude sickness?  No. In what is a shock even to me, I manage boat and plane rides well. It's car rides I always seem to be terrible at.

Is there anything, any event, you wish you could remember more clearly?  My Paramore concert in 2013, only because I spent the damn concert watching through my camera. It was my first concert so I didn't know any better – but anyway, lessons were learned, I never did it again, and for all concerts that followed I only have a handful of photos/videos from them because I've since spent of the time living in the moment instead.

If you had to get advice from someone of the opposite sex, who would you go to?  Hans.

What was the last new food/drink that you tried?  I tried the barbecue chicken sandwich from Popeye's because apparently they're doing this flavors of the world thing where they have variants for UK (barbecue), Korea (gochujang), US (spicy chicken)...you get the drill. It was delicious but I thought the barbecue sauce was a tad bit overpowering. I'd get a less-saucier one next time.

Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better?  I mean it's my birthday today so it'd be hard to imagine this day going south haha. We'll see; it's only 1:30 in the morning.

Have you ever played Sudoku?  No I never understood how it works hahaha.

Do you ever take surveys for money?  I once tried to go for that, but for context: It was the peak of COVID, absolutely no one went out, I was a fresh grad, my parents (who are both in the hospitality industry) were just as jobless as I was, and money in the house was depleting at an alarming rate. I was desperate to help as much as I can, so much so that I had to consider that making-moneys-through-surveys thing. It never amounted to anything because I was never qualified for most of the surveys available anyway.

Thank FUCK we have since gotten out of that rut. I've blocked out most things from 2020 because of what we as a family went through.

Do you like Barbie or Bratz better?  Bratz was popular as fuck when I was a kid.

Do you prefer purple or green grapes?  Neither.

Who was the last person that made you laugh?  My sister.

Where does your best friend live?  In a nearby city.

Who did you last confide in?  Trina.

Does your car have an alarm?  Like...an alarm clock? No? Lol. It does go off if hit too hard while locked, though, if that's the kind of alarm you mean.

Where was your mom born?  Just...somewhere in the metro, I'm not about to give that kind of stuff away.

What can always make you feel better no matter what?  MY DOGS

What is something you’ll never eat again? Why?  Apart from fruits, I was never the type to shun any kind of food.

What is currently happening that is scaring you?  Just...time. The natural course of aging. Not because it's my birthday, but the passage of time is just something I think about more and more now. My high school peers getting married and having kids, my parents getting older, my grandparents getting older...it is what it is and it's constantly in my head.

[pink-lemonade-archives]

At one point in my life, I thought my father was a good person. A person who would stand up for what is right and would be able to identify who is lying to him for selfish gain. This however, was a delusion.

This is a long one, so only continue reading this if you're ready for a lot of stuff. Also content warning for a lot of yelling.

The first time I ever realized that this delusion was just that, a delusion, was after me and my family had finished going sledding with my brother's church group. It may have happened before this, but this is the farthest I can remember, though because of my lack of memories of my (still ongoing) childhood, perhaps take this with a grain of salt. We had just gotten into the car, all of us finally escaping the cold of the Michigan winter, I believe my father had brought up homosexuality. It led to me saying that there was nothing wrong with being gay, to which my mother had stated "Well, it goes against God, you know," with my father agreeing. This was back when I still was vaguely Christian, but this made me a little uncomfortable. The idea that two people doing something that harmed no one going against who I believed to be the greatest thing ever was foreign to me. Where this led, I do not remember, but I do recall the uneasiness that sat with me the entire ride home.

Oddly enough, some of my best memories from my childhood come from the summer I stayed with my much older sister in Colorado. Firstly, Colorado is a beautiful place, and I intend to live there one day, but secondly, and more importantly, I got the very first chance to talk about my personal grievances with my father with someone who related, and in a place where the threat of anger or argument wasn't there. It was a very nice change of pace for me.

Today, I have a much more recent memory that sticks with me, along with an intense sense of resignation and defeat. I recently got into a large argument with my father on the way home from school (as I still don't have my driver's license), one that led to a lot of yelling and name calling, though particularly one sided. It began with one simple thing. I made a joke about my father's outfit.

My father is a pretty heavy golfer, and the weather is getting to the point where he goes golfing almost every day. My father was wearing an outfit that looked similar to his typical golfing outfit. I asked him if he was going golfing, to which he said no. I then joked, "Oh, I forgot you like to dress weird." He decided to follow up to this pretty harmless comment with, in a mocking tone, "Why does it matter?" (In reference to the time he had made a comment on a transgender friends outfit, saying that the clothes they were wearing wasn't in line with their genders traditional clothing. I simply replied, "Why does it matter?" My father is pretty firm in the stance that most of my friends dress flamboyantly for attention.) I attempted to deescalate the situation with another joke, saying "I just like to point out your weird way of dressing," but my dad was, I suppose, in the mood for a fight. We went back and forth for a bit, but eventually, I just tried to stay silent, in hopes we would tire himself out, occasionally saying "sure" to his questions about transgender people. Eventually, he started talking about how I dislike him and his "opinions", and how it's hypocritical of me to not like it when he has the "opinion" of being against transgenderism, and me thinking people should be able to do whatever they want, as long as no one is harmed. (According to him, being against transgenderism, and supporting multiple people who advocate for the removal of transgender rights and ban of gay marriage is fine, because he doesn't directly hurt anyone. Take that how you will.) He went on a tirade of how "disrespectful" I am, before revealing that my sister had told my father how I described him to her. I didn't know that she had done this, so I was pretty shocked. He told me that I disrespect him constantly, and belittle his opinions just because the internet told me to. Eventually, I broke down in tears, and simply sat in silence, with tears streaming down my face as he berated me. (I'm trying not to dramatize this, but it's hard not to when the actual event was pretty dramatic itself.) He told me that he felt disrespected and distrusted because I never confided in him for advice or help. In a last ditch effort to make myself feel a little powerful, I yelled back, "What if it's because I'm scared of you?" I had more meant because my father has a pretty rich history of screaming arguments with me and my brother whenever we did anything he didn't like, but in the moment, I decided to cite the times he had spanked me when I was young. My father angrily yelled back, "Listen, fuckface, I only remember doing that once, so shut the fuck up with that. (I remember many times I was spanked, to the point where I got nervous whenever I father called me.)" By the end of the car ride, I was so fed up that I tried to leave the car without another word, but my dad said, "If you try to leave this car, I'll break your arm off," so I stayed. He told me that he would work me until I respected him, and told me to get some outdoor clothes on, and meet him in the backyard. I tearfully said "okay" and left the car to go to my room. From there, I did the only thing I could think to do, and sat on my bed and cried. I didn't know what to do. Eventually, I pulled myself together, and put on some clothes to work outside. I tried to do the smallest amount of rebellion I could muster, and wore the most colorful hat I owned, hoping at least my neighbors would see it.

I went outside to find my father, him still angry, and me still crying, and I asked him what he wanted me to do. He gave me my task (pick weeds from our back garden) and told me that once I was done, he would have more for me to do. He said this was the last time he would be disrespected. He told me that when I was ready to "be his son", then I wouldn't have to work anymore. He then left the house to run some errands, leaving me to tearfully pull weeds in the hot sun.

As I worked, I began to think to myself that perhaps there was no getting through to him. I had tried, and tried, and tried many times to explain how actively thinking someone is doing something wrong that they can't control is bad, but failed each time. Perhaps there was nothing I could do, no study I could cite, no example I could bring up, and no experience I could suggest to make him believe that trans, gay, and black people are marginalized. So, I came up with a plan.

I like to think I'm a pretty good actor, so I decided that once my dad returned home, I would "apologize" to him, and "take responsibility" for what I "did". It ended up working, somewhat. He seemed pretty skeptical the entire time, but I didn't have to do menial labor anymore, so... Win? But after the fact, I couldn't help but feel... hollow. As if after years of trying, I had given up the fight. What now? Wait until I could legally live on my own and move out? Just keep pretending that I agree? Continue living as set dressing in my own home?

The next day, I gave my friends a watered down version of the story, and they made jokes about how awful my dad was. But my friends pity and jokes wasn't enough to make me feel any less defeated and hopeless. Even today, that feeling of resignation is still there.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how I can escape. I don't even know if I'm just being dramatic and this happens to everyone. I don't know anymore. Advice is welcome.

[rustygateofme]

Here’s some of my favorite callbacks to the show and the little details I noticed after I binged it all again:

- Leo is still speaking Spanish, even though it was one line.

- Leo actually took over a lot more missions in the show than I remember, it was because of him they defeated the shredder the first time around. (my head canon is that after Splinter made Leo leader in the show he just didn’t take the role because he doesn’t want that much responsibility on him)

- Donnie uses that much mystic tech probably because his bigger lab was destroyed and there’s less resources, he didn’t even have his shell equipped with flying gear. The other part of it, it’s faster and can be applied to any situation.

- in Leo’s room there’s a poster for Jupiter Jim sails the seven galaxies which he considered the best Jupiter Jim movie in Snow Day

- in the episode man vs. sewer Leo was the one who led the search for Raph. “You know how Raph gets when he is alone, the clock is ticking”.

- on that note, whenever Leo’s shenanigans directly posed a threat to his family he always took the fall.

- in portal jacked! Leo also was on edge and reckless if that’s what it took to save his brothers. In the movie the stakes were so much higher so his recklessness probably consumed him.

- the turtles defeated their big bads with a Jupiter Jim figure, tickles and then the hamato nimpo. No wonder Leo was so careless in the first act, everything worked out for them in the end before.

- not something new but wow I love disaster twins interactions.

- I might be wrong but I feel like Leo’s voice was deeper in the movie, but maybe it was because he didn’t get to crack a lot of jokes there.

- April’s Crane license.

- still bitter that we didn’t get Draxum but it gives the new people who are watching the show after the movie a chance to experience the whole Draxum/Lou Jitsu storyline without spoilers and I think it’s pretty great. As a new fan I’d definitely be confused if in the movie Draxum was just dad 2 and we get to the first season AND HE IS THE BIG BAD.

- I choose to believe that Vomitello was a callback to Tummytello and you can’t convince me otherwise.

- the line delivery on “Surprise, I’ve come for my brother” is because Leo’s coping mechanism is humor.

- they finally said teenage mutant ninja turtles but I feel sad knowing that nobody referred to them as Mad Dogs(

- Mikey opened a portal to the prison dimension just like Draxum did in season 2. Mikey was the closest to him as well, giving him an apartment and helping with the job search and all.

- Leo in New Jersey.

- Cassandra “Casey” Jones is still working as grandma CJ.

- Donnie’s “what a town” line that was frequently used by him in Late Fee.

In conclusion, I want more rottmnt now. How is the mystic city doing after the invasion? Is Leo still friends with Señor Hueso? Do they still use their old catchphrases and refer to each other with incorrect full names or did they grow out of it? What about Lair Games, do they have them in the new lair? IS SHELLDON OK?!

[clanwarrior-tumbly]

I’ve got an idea! How about a Police reader who arrests Felix for drunk driving before the kids die?

Finally a good ending we deserve-

.........

Being a police officer who worked late shifts meant that some nights were quiet, while others were...tense. But even slightly tense situations could turn deadly if you weren't quick and careful with your response to them.

It's truly a matter of life or death, not only for you but also for those surrounding you. So you had to be on your guard even if nothing remarkable was happening.

Sure, the roads along Saint Juana's forest were quiet especially at this time of night, though from experience you knew it didn't always stay that way..

Such as right now for instance, when a sleek black car was barreling down the road. It practically flew by your own car, swerving in a way that was all too familiar to you.

In a way that a distracted or drunk driver would.

Welp, time for you to go to work.

"So much for a peaceful night.." You sighed to yourself, turning on your lights and sirens before you began following the car.

'Please cooperate and make my life easier.'

...........

"Uncle Felix? That cop's following us, slow down."

"I know, Eddie. Just...damnit, why now? I just wanna go home and...and sleep." Felix slurred as he gripped the wheel, his vision growing hazier by the second. He was anxious about getting caught, and for a moment he thought about speeding up to lose the officer.

He had no idea there was even one on these roads.

"C-Can you stop, please?" Molly pleaded, hugging Rocket as she looked back at the blue and red lights. "You should always stop for the police."

Although his drunkenness clouded a majority of his judgement, he managed to have enough sense to listen to her. He reluctantly pulled over and stopped, groaning as he rested his head on the wheel.

Maybe the kids were right. Maybe he drank a bit more than usual. He forgot how much he even had, but it wasn't his fault that the school had a "drinking zone" established.

Regardless, he was glad he stopped driving for the time being. Now he can just take a nap and forget the world.

Forget the divorce..and Ja-

Tap tap

The sounds startled Felix wide awake, though he saw it was you--the officer--at the window. He rolled it down and smiled up at you. "Evenin' officer."

"Evening." You greeted, noting that his breath practically reeked of alcohol. "You were speeding quite a lot. You nearly took out my side mirror."

"Oh...Oh fuck..I'm sorry 'bout that. I'm just trying to get my friend's kids home. I'm supposed to get 'em back by nine." Despite his attempts to act sober, he was clearly failing.

Ed and Molly remained silent in the backseat, not wanting to snitch and accidentally anger their uncle again.

"I understand, but may I see some license and registration?"

For a few good moments, he seemed to forget where he put those. He was even struggling to get his ID out of his own wallet, which made you fully convinced he was drunk driving.

"Ah, Felix Kranken?" You hummed as you looked at the card. The name was familiar. You've seen it show up in advertisements for a new restaurant that would be opening soon, alongside the other founder's name.

"Y-Yeah, the one and only." He chuckled.

"Do you mind stepping out of the car for me?" You asked politely, returning the ID to him. "I have reasons to believe you're under the influence and...possibly endangering those kids." As you spoke, you peered into the window to see the two clearly worried kids. "So I need to run some tests."

Felix's heart sank into his stomach, realizing just how screwed he was. Absolutely everything went wrong with his life today.

Not only did Linda divorce him, but Jack couldn't be bothered to ask if he was doing okay, instead making him be a "taxi service" to his two youngest children.

And the fact you were probably going to arrest him, which would ruin his chances to help Jack open the business he worked so hard to bring to life, became the last straw.

He choked out a drunken sob, shaking his head. "I-I'm sorry, I'm..I'm just so tired. I just got divorced and..I-I'll admit it..I got serious problems. Do you have to arrest me? Is there anything I can do??"

"If you're admitting that you're drunk, then..unfortunately I have to arrest you, Mr. Kranken." Honestly, you felt bad for the guy. But you needed to consider the possibly of him trying to use his position and personal problems as an excuse.

No matter who he was, or what was going on in his life, he wasn't above the law.

"M-My life is over. Oh god..wh-what am I gonna tell Jack?!" Felix began crying, but he complied in stepping out of the car, although he abruptly collapsed to his knees. He didn't even try to get up.

Your heart broke a little as you heard Molly trying to console him, telling him "everything is going to be okay."

For young children, they were so calm and understanding as you explained why you were arresting their uncle--reassuring that neither of them were in trouble--and got their dad's contact information, which was conveniently written on their bunny plushie's tag.

You were glad you stopped the car when you did..or god knows what could've happened to them.

On the other hand Felix was acting like the child, sobbing and hiccupping when you handcuffed him and led him into your car. He seemed more terrified of his business partner finding out than the fact he could've killed Ed and Molly.

Either way, it was better than him being an angry drunk. You've come across quite a few of those uncooperative jerks who denied they were drinking, even trying to run away from you while handcuffed.

But even so...seeing his tearful face as he apologized over and over was a difficult sight.

You were just doing your duty. And you've possibly saved all three of their lives tonight.

That was all that mattered.

[eatyourchancletas]

SUMMARY |  y/n l/n; the trauma surgeon who was in the wrong place at the wrong time and is taken hostage by the terrifying mafia known as ateez. despite their situations, love arises between the doctor and san; but when an enemy comes in between the group, breaking trust and belief between the members, what will san choose to save; his newfound love or his brothers?

PAIRING | choi san x male reader

INFO/CATEGORY | mafia au, fluff, light angst

WARNINGS | violence, weapon usage/mention, foul language, lower case writing

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AUTHOR’S NOTE | we’re back! sorry for the long break, hopefully we can get into the flow of things! monnie’s already started chapter 5 off amazingly too :p written by both of us this time (mainly edited by monnie)! please leave feedback, like, reblog, whatever you can to let us know whether you enjoyed it or not!  (re-edited because dongwoo and changsik were switched up)

WORD COUNT | 2.4k

TAG LIST :; @jonghoshoe​  if you’d like to be added to the list please say so in our inbox/ask box!

y/n was usually called outstanding, hard-working, smart. but in reality, he was an idiot when he was outside the workforce. 

being a workaholic meant showing your skills, growing them, improving them, and practicing them constantly. sometimes it seemed to be all he knew— it’s what all the people around him saw. 

yet again, outside of it he’s quite a gullible man; which brings him to his current situation… 

“looking for something?” 

he looked away from the bandages he was previously examining to come face to face with a man that looked around his age. “not really, just restocking my clinic. or—trying to find things to restock it with.” the man nods, glancing around suspiciously, although y/n didn’t didn’t seem to take notice of this particular action. 

“this pharmacy is pretty small, but it has lots of good supplies… lots of hidden gems. want me to show you where i get my tools?”

“oh,” y/n blinked in surprise, “you’re in the medical field?”

the man made eye contact with him, managing a convincing smile. “yeah, there’s a clinic down the road from here, about fifteen minutes by foot, this is the nearest pharmacy, so we stock up from here most of the time. i work there as an assistant.”

y/n nodded, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “wow, then please! show me what you suggest.”

at the approval, the man nodded, “name’s changsik, by the way. what do you work as? i’m assuming you’re also in the medical field.”

they walked along the aisle of the cough syrups, ointments, and the few other medicines to turn and make their way to the exit door. y/n furrowed his brows, about to ask why they were exiting until changsik made another turn, walking towards the staff room. 

“your assumption is correct, i’m a surgeon…” he replied belatedly, trailing off as he stepped foot inside the room. his eyes trailed on the shelves full of unopened boxes, more prescription pills, and—bingo! the supplies he’d written down on his list. 

for a split second, the memory of san handing it to him flashes across his mind, blinking it away as he turned to changsik. “wait, how are you able to access this?”

“i’m a regular.” he glanced across at him, looking past the window. “and also the perks of having a pharmaceutical license,” a hefty laugh left his mouth, “took some convincing though.” 

“huh,” y/n squatted down, inspecting a box that was on the floor, “i guess that makes sense.”

“just put what you need in a box and take it out. i’ll just say you’re helping me take it back.” changsik smiled, watching y/n nod and do so.

after a few minutes, y/n finished and announced he was ready to check out. changsik’s eyes met one of the cctv cameras before settling on y/n. 

“alright, let’s go check out.” 

as they walked toward the front, they reached the hallway that led to the exit. just as y/n was going to walk past, toward the checkout counter, a hand forcefully grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled him back. he looked behind him, in a startled manner, thinking changsik had just forgotten something. however, a deeper fear struck when changsik’s hand moved to clench at the back of his collar. 

“don’t make a sound.”

the second the cold blade touched the skin of y/n’s neck, the surgeon knew to stay quiet. there was a burning in his throat as he struggled to swallow, scared to trigger any abrupt movement. his frantic mind jumbled about, words of scolding placed toward himself and the situation while trying to get a grip. he thought of using the in-ear to alert jongho, but it would risk exposure of the communication device: in any case… he’d be dead by then.

“what is taking him so long?” jongho grunted, tapping his foot in impatience. it’d already been about 10 minutes since y/n entered the store—it shouldn’t take that long for a surgieron to find equipment that’s of medicinal standard!

tapping his in-ear and calling out the doctor’s name, he got no response. placing his face mask on, he rushed into the store, beckoning the cashier. “have you seen a man, about 6’3” with h/c hair?”

the cashier stared at him with a shocked look, “yes, but he went back toward the restrooms. is he dangerous?”

jongho shook his head before running toward the back of the store. he shoved against the restroom door, shouting out the older’s name as he threw open each stall door. finally admitting the fact that the older had disappeared, he tapped his in-ear once more, calling out for anyone.

“jongho, what’s going on?” hongjoong had intercepted the connection, hearing jongho’s worried voice.

the bodyguard had no time to register the primal fear that would settle itself in his bones once faced with the leader, “it’s y/n, hyung. he ran away.” 

jongho returned to the headquarters after scoping out the area once more and had just entered through the front door when he was met with the sight of the whole group. 

hongjoong was staring at him with his jaw clenched and an almost empty whiskey glass settled in his lax hand. jongho had never seen a look so severe in hongjoong’s eyes—he’d never messed up this bad. and apparently, the leader wasn’t the only one emotionally affected by his mistake, because before hongjoong could even physically express his own anger, san had snatched the glass from his hand and launched it at jongho, missing his head by less than an inch.

everyone was shocked at his silent outburst, san even going as far to ignore the immense pain in his abdomen and on his shoulder, but hongjoong simply sent the younger a look, causing him to cower back in the slightest. jongho, however, was enraged at what had just happened. what gave san, who had no superiority over him, the right to do that?

“what the fuck was that?” he had stormed over to the boy, grabbing his shirt with both fists. san didn’t back down, sticking his jaw out toward the youngest.

“how could you lose y/n?”

“i was told no matter what to avoid cameras, so i stayed outside! i didn’t exactly think the fucker would have the balls to run away!” 

everyone watched the two, eyeing when to step in and pull them apart. but hongjoong let them run their mouths. the longer someone talks, the more something is revealed. what he was looking to be revealed, he didn’t know; but something would come up.

san pushed back against jongho, “y/n hyung wouldn’t run away. he’d never do that!” 

‘oh,’ hongjoong perked in interest.

the younger scoffed, “what makes you so sure?”

san’s next words came as a bit of a shock, leaving the others with silent questions, “he promised he’d come back.”

bingo!

an awkward silence filled the room as they all stared, speechless at how hopelessly fond their brother had become for their hostage. as much as some of them hated to admit it, y/n was only a hostage to them at the end of the day. and for san to fall into a reversal stockholm syndrome of sorts was nothing short of  a disappointment. however, that couldn’t be the main focus, y/n was missing and they didn’t know how strong his resolve would be in the event of torturing.

“run us back on what happened, will you?” hongjoong told jongho, trying to get a clear picture on what went down because the first thing they needed to know was why y/n was taken, much less, who took him. was it by the same person who’d been running their mouths in the streets? 

and right in the middle of his explanation, an alarm went off on yeosang’s phone; it was a message. the others kept talking, figuring yeosang could handle whatever message he’d received. 

it was when he promptly stood up that all attention had been placed on him. 

“it’s him! it’s dongwoo!”

a soft whimper sounded as y/n was thrown to the ground, hands bound and eyes blinded by some piece of cloth.

“boss,” y/n’s kidnapper spoke in a submissive wave, causing y/n to assume the guy had straightened his spine and was saluting him in some way.

a moment later, a gruff voice broke through the eerie silence in the room, “and who is this?” his voice wasn’t angered or bewildered at all, and that’s what scared y/n. he sounded intrigued; like even he wasn’t expecting to be a part of this situation.

“someone with connections to ateez— saw that bodyguard walking around with him.” 

the other man hummed, “the bodyguard didn’t follow you, did he?”

“no, no. i found them by the pharmacy; i know the area pretty well because i do the runs for sowon— i knew the camera blindspots!” his abductor seemed to be a bit on the simpler side when it came to this “boss” of his, y/n concluded. this was a completely different personality than when he was being abducted at the scene…

“good job. and you know what, changsik-ah,” his voice seemed to be getting more intrigued, y/n’s heart beating even faster in response, “since you bought in such a valuable hostage, i’ll let you have the honors of obtaining information from him.”

y/n felt the air beside him shift, changsik bowing a full 90 degrees at his boss’s blessing, “thank you!”

a sickeningly hearty laugh resonated and the creaking of a chair sounded before the boss’s next words seemed to be the final straw for y/n’s pounding heart.

“i want him alive.” 

“he better be alive,” san growled at jongho.

“we might get to him alive if you two would quit bickering. we’re wasting time because of you two, so shut it and sit down!” hongjoong had had enough of the two. he knew it was a sensitive time for san and jongho, different reasons for both, of course, but they would only get nowhere if they weren’t level-headed.

the two boys bowed their heads at their leader, san still sending a side-eyed glare at the younger before sitting down in his chair. 

it’d been two days since y/n was kidnapped and they still hadn’t been able to come up with a plan to get y/n back. 

wooyoung tried to trace where the text message came from within the first minute it was received, but surprise, surprise! it was a burner phone— so back to square one; checking all of the cctv footage in the area and trying to spot a suspect that wasn’t even visible from the first frame. 

the cameras in the pharmacy showed only y/n, the pharmacist, clerk, and four other customers. of those four, only one person never entered through the front door. and within those 48 hours, he’d managed to single out a vehicle that had arrived in the frame of one of the street cams showing the alleyway behind the pharmacy, and left the same way not even 5 minutes later. it was a suspicious vehicle too; white van, no windows in the back, and paper license plates. the paper plates hinted that they were most likely changed recently or are changed frequently.

and so after hours of having to witness his best friend be so uncharacteristically frantic and down, wooyoung, unfortunately, decided to do what he thought was smartest—save y/n himself to make his best friend happy again.

his intentions may have been well, but in stories like these, doesn’t something always go wrong?

“help me set the table guys,” seonghwa cleared his throat, hand on his hip as he stirred the soup on the stove. the steam from the boiling liquid sent another cloud to his tired face, a sheen of sweat and condensation forming.

“i really don’t understand why we are acting like we have the time to set a table and eat home cooked meals when we don’t!” san exasperated, pacing around the dining room. 

mingi gave a sympathetic smile, patting him on the back before going to help seonghwa. 

while mingi was more on the understanding side of san’s worries, jongho disagreed, “how exactly do you expect us to find him if we don’t take care of ourselves?”

“all i’m saying is food and sleep shouldn’t be this consistently on your minds when we’re all in this situation!”

jongho scoffed, finding the utmost absurdities in san’s words, “why are you acting like he’s so important? he doesn’t know anything about us or our weaknesses— for fuck’s sake, it’s not like we can’t just get another doc—”

a fist had flown toward jongho’s cheek, cutting off his words, before san’s thrashing body was being pulled back by mingi and yeosang.

“go to hell choi jongho!” san screamed, trying to force his way through the barrier the two had made with their bodies. the boy could feel his stitches tearing as he fought, but he didn’t care. jongho had been a bitch since the very first moment y/n was around, and for what reason?

“cut it out, san!” yeosang hollered, voice brute as he pushed against the boy.

“no, let me at him. he wants to keep being a little shit, i’ll show him shitty!”

“stop it! you haven’t even noticed, have you?”

san didn’t stop trying to break the barrier, focusing on getting to jongho and the other’s words, “notice what?”

“wooyoung’s missing,” yeosang began, san whipping his head toward him and trying to disagree, but yeosang was having none of it, “and you haven’t done anything but antagonize everyone here for not doing their jobs at your pace!”

“oh, excuse me for trying to be as quick as possible in finding him!”

“yeah, and who ever said quick was the efficient route to go? we’re dealing with people we know nothing about, but they seem to know a little too much about us, no? so stop getting on everyone’s asses and—”

“shut the hell up! please!” seonghwa had slammed his hands down on the table, screaming at the top of his lungs. every person in the room had immediately gone silent, words left on the tips of their tongues in a desperate attempt to fly about.

“you’re all going to shut it, sit down, and eat this meal like the civilized people we are and come up with a plan to get y/n back as safely as possible,” he gave a quick glare at everyone, blowing a puff of air at the lock of hair that had settled over his eyelids.

“am i clear?”

"yes, sir."

[thehomothings]

Analysis of Kite's conflicting moralities, relationship with death, and the toll reincarnation may take on one's psyche

So, today I decided to compile all the thoughts I have had about Kite's interesting worldview since the first time I saw him into one post, mostly for my own sake, really. If you're familiar with the few posts I've made, you know it's gonna be a mess, but hopefully a comprehensible mess.

A heads up, this is going to be spoiler-heavy, and very much deal with subjects of death and dying as a whole. Also, some of these conclusions are drawn from my own experiences and close brushes with death, I'm not going to go into much detail but it might get personal and definitely dark. I'm not even sure if I can call this a meta-analysis, and I'm obviously no expert, so mayhaps take all of this with a grain of salt.

Been getting into drawing lately, and during the more simple and mindless part of the painstaking process of dotting every single star in this, I let my thoughts wander through the latest part of the fic I'm writing, and I got a better grasp on what exactly made Kite such an elusive character to me.

I'm not quite sure why I got so attached to Kite. Perhaps it was the air of tragedy surrounding him, how despite his sordid past he remained still open and gentle even if outlined by a healthy dose of cynicism.

But sometimes, I think it's the fact that he is so paradoxical. He's brave, yet fears death to such a degree that creates a whole Nen ability around it, is a pacifist yet will not hesitate to spill blood for his own sake or someone else's. Despite the many ultimatums and warnings of 'I will not protect you', he gave his arm and then his life to save Gon and Killua. He approaches each hunt and battle with a clear plan of action in mind, but his Hatsu takes the form of a roulette that gives him random weapons which are never what he wants, but what he seems to need for that exact situation, which he cannot dispel without using. When he draws a weapon, the decision is locked in and his or his opponent's fate is sealed. That's why each time he dubbs his weapon a bad roll. Every time he has to gamble, he sees himself as having run out of luck. When it comes to having to choose between himself and somebody else...well, there had never been a choice. In fact his aversion to using it may feed into its sheer power that we, unfortunately, saw too little of.

Let's go over his very first appearance when he saves Gon from the mother Foxbear.

It's not hard to see the strain searching for Ging has put on him; he's rash, prone to anger and punching a child for daring to get into trouble. In his mind, he's failing at his most important task, has not yet earned the right to call himself a hunter despite being in possession of his very own hunter license.

After killing the mother Foxbear and raging about having done so, he says this interesting line:

So yes, he finds killing for any reason rather irksome as most would do, yet I think something deeper caused him to absolutely lose it in this scene:

He had not been aware of Gon's identity, and despite being an animal lover and a naturalist, he made a choice to save the human instead of allowing nature to run its course. In fact, he says: 'No beast that harms a human must be allowed to live.'

How does one weight one life against another? How is the worth of it determined? The value of life... an impossible choice he's faced with and a choice which he seems to regret to some degree.

The Foxbear cub.

Here, he's speaking from experience, a tangible loss he has felt himself, and a hard and bitter life he does not want to impose on the cub.

His backstory is exclusive to the 2011 anime adaptation but there are hints alluding to it in the manga, for example, the fact that he does not seem to know his birthplace, or:

The choice of words is chilling.

Reading between the lines, one could draw the conclusion that he is an orphan. Something supporting this hypothesis is how he visibly deflates after Gon tells him his parents have (presumably) died.

So we see he is willing to go against his own moral code of not killing as to not doom another living being to the life he led, a lonely, hopeless existence that could barely be called one. He saw it best to put down the cub rather than leave it to die a painful, slow death.

The reason Kite himself isn't as cynical and cold-hearted as one would be after witnessing cruelty in its rawest form is those small crumbs of human kindness which he may have found in Ging.

It was not only a chance at an honorable life being Ging's apprentice gave him, but it also 'saved' him from being broken and twisted into what he hated and worst of all, death.

If we take that one minute of backstory as canon to his character-which I find myself inclined to do- these quirks of his make much more sense. He lived on the run. He lived on the knife's edge between giving up or pushing forwards. He lived as so a wrong move could be the difference between survival and the end.

Between rock and a hard place creates a mentality of black and white, absolute good or extreme evil, this or that. Except in reality, it's much harder than that. Deciding who to save and who to strike down is a heavy burden to bear.

It's almost easy to see how struggling to keep surviving could lend itself to a crippling fear of death and subsequently developing a Nen ability which once more goes against his own moral code in order to give himself a second chance...yet something about it strikes me as unlikely when I look at it this way.

Living life knowing it could end at any moment has the opposite effect, at least for me it did. One comes to accept that it is fleeting and while not eager to let it go, when death eventually and inevitably does come, there is no fighting it.

Especially when there is no hope that tomorrow will be a better day than this one.

Frequent near-death experiences numb one's fear in a way, even if it drives them to take precautions that render it unlikely to happen again and results in c-PTSD, but still, it does. It sparks a certain nihilistic view of 'if it all can end so easily, then what's the point of it all?'

Unless there are things to live for, a sure promise of a better future, and Ging gave Kite that. When he faced the threat of losing his second chance at life:

Really, what else could lead someone to develop the ability of 'the hell I'm going to die like this'?

I think a separate event, an even more brutal near-death experience that almost cost him his life as the hunter he so strived to be set him off to develop the secret roll of Crazy Slots, what I call Roll No.0, Ars moriendi. Unlike other weapons, it cannot come up in random and is directly summoned by him, or better said, summon by his overwhelming will to keep going and hopelessness of fighting a losing battle. I don't believe roll No.3 was the weapon that allowed him to reincarnate. I've named that one Wand of Fortune, a sort of armor instead of an offensive weapon since I find it hard to believe Kite, a Conjurer, would not focus on defences as well, and I will go into both mechanisms of these weapons hopefully in his backstory.

Despite knowing this battle to be a pointless one and being acutely aware of his soon to be demise, he did not immediately draw Ars moriendi, no, he stayed back and fought for the sake of the boys, kept Neferpitou occupied until they could reach safety. We can see evidence of this in the aftermath of the battle that seemed to have gone on until dawn, a torn apart landscape only signaling a fraction of the devastation that was Kite's power unleashed. It still wasn't enough.

In the anime sub I watched, when Gon apologizes to Ging about Kite's death, Ging said a sentence that infuriated me, because it belittled the utter suffering of the NGL trio.

"He would not die in your place." (No screenshot, sorry)

And I remember practically shouting at the screen, screaming 'how could you possibly say that? Of course he did. He absolutely did die in their place. How could you not know your own apprentice? Why-'

It was only last night that it hit me why Ging would say that.

Once upon a time, maybe Kite would not have given his life for anybody under any circumstances, even if he had a way out of it all. He would still need to die to come back to life.

His Thanatophobia could be attributed to the (possibly untreated) PTSD of the near-death experience in his later life, being so certain of dying that finding himself alive afterwards drove him to never want to go through that again. He quieted his fear by creating a sort of a loophole, that even if he lost the battle he would remain. Ging remembered that, but as evidence shows, something changed. Maybe he healed a bit, perhaps growing up dulled his fear to a certain degree, but eventually when it came down to his life or another's, he didn't choose himself.

Now, I can hear you saying 'but he didn't die, so what are you going on about??' And so I reply: Yes, he is alive, but he did die. He experienced that painful, horrible moment of staring death in the eyes and thinking 'This is it, this is the end', went through the actual process of having his soul removed from his body. And that moment stretches into infinity, ten lifetimes condensed into the mere seconds before oblivion.

Dying isn't so hard if one stays dead.

It's not so easy to open one's eyes and find oneself alive again after that, no matter how much that is the heart's desire. It's difficult, nigh-impossible to reconcile with life and walk amongst the living when everything had been so final, when death had been accepted to its fullest.

So Kite awakens, the twin of Meruem and back from the dead, his mind and identity both intact and fractured. In that he is Kite is no mistaking, yet he is not the same gentle pacifist whose first reaction upon sensing a monster's aura was to shield two kids from it at the cost of his arm.

I don't think many of you are familiar with Zoroastrian ideology, but Togashi is known for loving his religious imagery, and it's not only Christianism he derives inspiration from (evidence of which can be seen all over Kite's character and resurrection).

In Zurvanism-a branch of Zoroastrianism- there is talk of the twin spirits: Ahura Mazda -epitome of all that is good- and Ahriman -epitome of all that is evil-, the parent god Zurvin decides that the firstborn may rule in order to bring "heaven, hell, and everything in between."

Upon becoming aware of this fact, Ahriman forcibly tears through the womb to emerge first. Sounding familiar yet?

Zurvan relents to this turn of events only on one condition: Ahriman is given kingship for 9000 years, and then Ahura Mazda may rule for eternity.

Meruem ruled for 40 days, his death leaving the throne vacant for ant Kite, wearing a dead girl's face and seeming to be brewing some nefarious plan. No more is there any sign of that unrelenting pacifism and the sanctity of life he held so high, losing his own may have only served to show him how meaningless the pain and suffering he went through had been, dying only to be reborn as a member of the species that killed him. It may be that he has no desire to rule over the remaining Chimera ants or create an army of his own-

Yet I dread to think what a broken mind possessing limitless power might do to the world.

And that's it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you found it interesting, stay tuned, as I think a lot and I will make it your problem.

[winemom-culture]

I don’t feel like I did a very good job articulating my thoughts. The plan initially was to hangout on Friday this week and talk about things, so I circled back with him today to see if he wanted to go to a little brewery and talk tomorrow still. He said yeah, and then a few moments later said actually he wanted to talk tonight so we did. 

Seeing as I didn’t really have time to fully put my thoughts together I kinda clunkily danced around “well, y’know, you don’t have your license and stuff...I am really committed to marriage and kids in the next few years and idk if I see that as a possibility for us...” again. He kinda read into it though and was like “so is it just a socioeconomic thing basically?” To which I was like “I mean we also have kind of fallen into a hole of doing literally nothing besides watching movies when we hangout and while I do enjoy our time together, it feels like we lost our spark... we used to do things, y’know?” And that’s when he kinda got a little defensive and was just like “well I’m always down to do things.. I know I’m not free of blame there but I guess it’s just a matter of knowing exactly what you would want to do.” Then he kinda circled back to how that’s been a little harder because he’s been broke and I finally kinda butt in like “well I’M now not working (aside from the two low-paid internships) and I’m also going to be broke, so I have to start living within my means, I’m not going to be able to continue spending the gas money, or paying for us to do these things all by myself...” Which just sort of led us to a back and forth of similar things over and over for a bit.

Then at one point he’s like, “I know I sound like I’m just saying it, but I had a plan to take my license test with this first paycheck (because he did just start a new job) and start saving up, but if this is the case, then it probably is best for us to see other people. Even if I do get my stuff together I can’t gaurantee I can give you the kind of lifestyle you want to live, if you just want somebody more established.”

He wasn’t saying that to be mean or guilt-trippy, he was just genuinely articulating that I have the right to discern whether or not I want to keep dating, just like he does. Which is the truth. But it still kinda broke me down a little bit, because idk. I’m not like a golddigger asking for him to take over and be the breadwinner for Charlie and I. I’m always going to make sure I have my own shit straight. I’m not faulting him for the things he doesn’t have. I am just trying to say “I love you but we’ve been having this conversation at least since February and every time you say you have a plan but nothing about our situation materially changes, and I don’t particuarly believe you really have the drive to change that at this point” without sounding like an asshole. 

In therapy this week we talked about it and talked a lot about how I cannot control his reactions, but more-so in the context of me being worried about hurting him. But even throughout this, his tone was like “well, it is what it is, I guess there’s just nothing that can be done.” Now I’m hurt that I’m not getting any more of a reaction beyond that honestly, even though I know, out of my control. No “yeah actually I don’t want to lose you, so I will have xyz by this time to show you I mean it.” That’s is exactly what I mean. I don’t want your money, I just want your effort. Fight for this a little bit, like I have been for the past year. I want you to show me somehow that you care about me at all besides just talk, it doesn’t have to be grandoise or constant affection, just a small gesture here and there...doing “things” doesn’t have to mean fancy dinners or going on trips, it could be as simple as going out to see our friends every few weekends to break up the monotony a little. Our little day we had at the beach was nice and completely free. This is where I feel like I didn’t get my point across at all. 

Social anxiety makes me feel like an asshole for asking for very basic things from anyone, whether it’s something abstract like respect & boundaries, or more material things. (Yes, this is what we’ve been talking through in therapy too.) He is pretty much saying “I’m not confident in my ability to give those things to you and I think it would be better to end it here than keep trying.” The conversation will just keep going around and around in circles because we’re both too awkward to just fully say what we mean.

One thing that echoed in my mind after the call is something my therapist reminded me of at our last session, that I initially called him needing therapy as soon at 2017. He was like, “do you remember what happened the first time you called me? I have the notes here, why didn’t you end up seeing me?” and I was like “I couldn’t do it financially at the time.” He said, “did you stay complacent in your situation, or did you do something to change it?” and I understood what he was getting at at this point, and I was like “yeah I worked to be able to get to this point where I can pay for it.” and he was like, “was it uncomfortable to be dealing with your OCD and anxiety all that time? Did you let that stop you from making a better situation for yourself?” Basically, a really roundabout way of making me realize that I have ambitions, goals, etc. and I do work to get to them (albeit slowly) and if someone else wants to they will. That sometimes the discomfort is the catalyst for those changes.

My therapist also said I could suggest that if he can get some of these things together he could come back to me and we could reevaluate the situation, but not promise him that I would wait around. After talking to him tonight, it didn’t even feel worthwhile to do that because he just basically said he wasn’t willing outright. I guess that’s what hurts more than anything. I’m just really tired of begging for people to care.

We are still going to meetup tomorrow to talk, we agreed on that before we hung up the phone. I messaged him later and said we didn’t have to if he doesn’t want to, because I got the vibe on the phone he just wanted to end it there pretty much. He said he does want to meet, and he also feels like he didn’t really articulate all his thoughts clearly. I guess we’ll see what happens. It seems pretty clear that this is for real now, though. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 300: Days of Our Todorokis

Previously on BnHA: Hawks was all “hey Jeanist, wanna go on a road trip with me to my mom’s house?” Jeanist was all “you know it,” and so they hopped into Jeanist’s jercedes and took off. Hawks took a nap and had a flashback to his Dickensian childhood living in a abject poverty with his jerk mom and jerk dad, thinking heroes were make-believe until one day Endeavor arrested his dad and Baby Hawks was all “OH SHIT.” And then he saved a bunch of people, and the HPSC was all “what do we have here,” and blah blah blah, you know the rest. Back in the present, Hawks was all “well my life is currently in shambles, but on the plus side there’s no one bossing me around anymore so that’s pretty cool,” and then decided he was going to talk to Endeavor. Fandom was all “I can’t believe Hawks would side with his childhood hero over the man who burned his wings off and posted a video calling him a violent murderer who took after his abusive dad,” so that was fun and stuff. I can’t wait to see what piping fresh takes this new chapter will bring.

Today on BnHA: Our old friend Carbonation Carl tries to loot a Starbucks and gets his ass kicked by a senior citizen. Society is all “YEAH, WE’RE REALLY STARTING TO GET SICK OF THIS SHIT.” Old Man Samurai is all “this room won’t stop me because I can’t read it” and abruptly decides to retire, which, fun fact, is literally THE LEAST HELPFUL THING ANYONE HAS EVER DONE. Anyway so then a bunch of other punkasses follow suit, and while I won’t say that I’m actually starting to root for Stain to kill some peeps, just for the record I’m not not saying that either. Back in the hospital, Endeavor cries some tears because his life sucks, and then is confronted by his entire family, LED BY QUEEN REI, FIRST OF HER NAME, BACK IN BUSINESS AND LARGE AND IN CHARGE. Rei is all “fuck feeling sorry for yourself, we have a rogue Murder Son on the loose” and I swear to god I have never felt so alive.

so here we go! and just for the record, even though the last two chapters have been phenomenal, I don’t necessarily have any sky-high expectations for chapter 300, mostly because chapters 100 and 200 consisted of Mei Boobs, and Toadette and her horrific quirk lmao. so go ahead Horikoshi, what are you gonna pull out of your hat for this one

oh, back to this stuff again. sob

I guess there was only so much time we could spend having hospital antics and exploring Hawks’s past before we got back to dealing with the whole “the world has gone to absolute shit” issue huh, lol

omg

what’s with these bizarrely cute Noumus. why do I want to pet them

so the narrative text is going on about how people have been super paranoid about the Noumu ever since the USJ incident a year ago. so yeah, I guess the fact that there are now a bunch of them confirmed to be running around is really freaking people out even on top of everything else

wtf is happening here

what did this poor lil glass ever do to anyone. r.i.p.

OH MY FUCKING GOD

SODA SAM IS BACK ON THE LAM

tsk tsk tsk. my man has graduated from snatching purses to raiding cafes. going after that big money. this man has no business sense whatsoever lmao

OH BUT WATCH IT NOW!!

OH SNAP THE PEOPLE ARE FIGHTING BACK. WHATCHA GONNA DO NOW SAM

THIS MAN IS 172 YEARS OLD AND HE’S NOT HERE TO PLAY GAMES!!

WTF IS HE LIGHTING THIS THING ON FIRE OR SOME SHIT. GETTEM GRANDPA YEAHHHH HE’S CHARGING AT EM YEAHHHHHH

lmao so that was fun. and now we’re cutting to Wash!! omg. look at him

he’s so dedicated. too bad you don’t have a car like Best Jeanist. probably takes a while when you’re just running everywhere

you see?? you were too slow!!

NOOOO, GRANDPA. he defeated Pepsi Pete, but lost his life in the process. this is too tragic

anyway so the good news is that the cafe has been saved! but the bad news is, there really isn’t much of a cafe left. huh. I guess that’s one of the reasons why people are supposed to get a license to use their quirks like this

oh snap and now everyone is coming outside, and they’re none too happy to see poor old Wash over here

seriously Wash, get a bicycle or something. also the way this guy is gesturing so dramatically with his hand in this sort of “YOU SEE!! YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS!!” manner is sending me

OH MY GOD

HE SPEAKS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS. IT MEANS JEANS PUNS ARE YESTERDAY’S NEWS, FOLKS!! MAKE WAY FOR THE LAUNDRY PUNS. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH THIS ALL... UNFOLD

“the heroes had dwindled away” okay real talk you guys, it is literally only a matter of time before they press-gang the children into picking up their slack. I still don’t know how to feel about that, but it is happening one way or the other regardless. Child Soldiers 2 Electric Boogaloo. wonder if we’ll see a rise in vigilante action as well

OHO WHAT’S THIS? THIS IS A CHAPTER OF GRANDPAS HUH

-- no fucking way

WOW. WOW. WOWWWWWW

wow. so he didn’t do a fucking thing while the rest of the top ten were being turned into red mist in the previous arc, and now that it’s all over and they need his help more than ever, he decides... THAT IT’S TIME TO RETIRE. holy shit. “fuck you” doesn’t even begin to cover it my guy. you stand there and soak up those boos you coward

ohhhhhhh shiiiiit you guys. oh shit

the “I am not here” breaks my fucking heart for real though y’all. oh man. everything he worked for is gone just like that

(ETA: okay so a couple of the takes I’ve seen on this make it seem like All Might is somehow the bad guy here?? “this is what happens when society puts a bunch of glorified cops on a pedestal”, “finally the cracks in hero society are showing”, etc. etc. so, just a friendly reminder that this isn’t happening because of too much trust and a lack of critical thinking; this is happening because the villains killed all the heroes and broke a bunch of murderers out of jail. it’s happening because an organized league of terrorists succeeded in terrorizing, and so society is now understandably awash in fear and panic. like, it’s just wild to me that AFO is RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and yet week after week fandom still has their “IT’S ALL THE HEROES’ FAULT” signs still up on their lawns. BUT WHATEVER, MOVING ON.)

also though, so exactly how much time is passing here now? I wanted to go straight back to the hospital and see what happens with Deku and the Todorokis. please don’t tell me we’re jumping ahead sob. my aaaaangst

OH SHIT

STAIN. LISTEN UP BUDDY. I KNOW WE’VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES, AND I STILL DESPISE YOU FOR CRIPPLING TENSEI AND TRYING TO KILL MY BEST BOY TENYA. BUT AS IT HAPPENS, THERE ARE ONE OR TWO OTHER HEROES OUT THERE NOW WHO I WOULDN’T MIND YOU PAYING A VISIT I’M JUST SAYING

LOL BUT IT ACTUALLY ISN’T THIS MAN, FFFFFF

sob. yeah I was talking about Old Man Samurai actually but YEAH. HEY THERE ENJI

also is this entire hospital actually run by characters from Super Mario Bros though. first Yoshi and now this guy, come the fuck on that is not a coincidence

lmao they stuck him in another one of these cavernous creepy hospital rooms

wtf is it with Horikoshi and these giant fucking rooms lately. Kacchan’s in chapter 298, then Tomie’s colossal house furnished with like one table and a TV, and now this. and the weirdest thing about it though is that “huge space with nothing to fill it up” is like the exact opposite of what you’ll usually find in Japanese homes lol

so now Enji is just sitting there thinking things like “my head is fuzzy” and “I’m alive” lmao okay. not quite all there yet, huh. I’ll give you a minute

I’m so fucking curious as to who his first visitor is going to be omg. either way it’s going to be interesting af, and either way fandom is probably going to feel some way about it but OH WELL

okay now his thoughts are getting more coherent! and he’s remembering Touya, and feeling regret for freezing up and forcing Shouto to deal with everything instead

!!! OH HERE GOES BRACE YOURSELVES Y’ALL IT’S ABOUT TO GET SPICY

NO TOUYA PLEASE DON’T CRY HONEY NO PLEASE

ohhhhhhh man

okay, I mean I didn’t expect you to, but so instead then you’re just going to do... what? lie there and wallow in regret and self-pity for the rest of your life? son you know that’s not how we deal with our problems here in Shounen

though also, I totally do get it though. honestly, thinking on it, I probably would have been disappointed with any other response. but so this is where the rest of his family (including his adopted son) come into play now though, because like it or not they’re all in this thing together. and so friends, I am once again asking you WHO IS GOING TO BE THE ONE TO VISIT ENJI FIRST

AHHHHHHH

KRANCH!!!! OMG AND THE OTHERS ARE SO TINY NEXT TO HIM THAT I ALMOST DIDN’T SEE THEM AT FIRST. IT’S BECAUSE THEY’RE TWENTY MILES AWAY ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS REGULATION HOCKEY RINK OF A ROOM

holy shit I’m so excited lkjlklhlglkasdsjldfk

SDKFJLSKHLKJL

the way she has him by his collar lmaoooo. “lol nah you’re not going anywhere pal.” damn straight, siblings have to be ride or die in situations like this. banding together for survival. strength in numbers

OH MY STARS I’M JUST WARNING YOU NOW THAT I’M ABOUT TO DISSECT EVERY LAST REMAINING PANEL OF THIS CHAPTER PROBABLY YOU GUYS. WE COULD BE HERE A WHILE

love how Fuyu has absolutely no idea how to segue into THE SINGLE MOST AWKWARD CONVERSATION SHE’S EVER HAD, so she just GOES FOR IT in pure small talk mode like they’re meeting up for brunch somewhere

I KNOW IT’S A SMALL THING, BUT I APPRECIATE THAT THE FIRST THING ENJI ASKS IS WHETHER THEY’RE OKAY

lastly while I can’t wait for more of this delicious Natsu angst, I also just have to say that Enji has as much reason to cry right now as anyone on the planet. you can’t deny that being confronted by your not-dead-but-you-thought-he-was-dead son who’s all “SURPRISE DAD I GREW UP TO BE A MASS MURDERER AND I HATE YOU AND EVERYTHING IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND NOW I’M GONNA MAIM YOUR OTHER KID” with a side order of “EVERYONE HATES YOU AND SOCIETY IS CRUMBLING AND NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD EVER AGAIN” is enough to bum pretty much anyone out. there’s a Pagliacci the Clown joke here somewhere. BUT DOCTOR, I AM THE NUMBER ONE HERO

oh man lol he is seriously falling apart

damn. like you guys, I’m sorry, go ahead and cancel me, but I do feel compassion for the man. it’s therapeutic for me to see an abuser actually feel remorse and be truly sorry and want to change and want to make it up to his family. and it’s also compelling as fuck to read a narrative about a family that’s trying to grapple with that, because let me tell you straight up, as someone who’s done a version of that song and dance -- it is exhausting. it is a piping hot mess. it’s a gigantic mishmosh of extremely volatile emotions that all somehow all contradict one another. love, hurt, hope, anger, betrayal, resentment, attachment, longing. it’s something you can both be desperate for and also want nothing at all to do with. and attempting to portray all of that and write about it is a monumental task, and one which Horikoshi has done so, so delicately thus far, and damn but I appreciate it. anyway, so I’m here and I’m ready for my latest helping of Todoroki Fam Feels you guys

GASP

oh man. OHMANOHMANOHMAN. CAN IT REALLY BE. IS THIS THE REDEMPTION ARC OF CHAPTERS 100 AND 200???

LMAO SHE’S ALL “WE ALL FEEL BAD YOU JACKASS STOP CRYING ABOUT IT”

LAY INTO HIM REI!! SORRY ENJI YOUR PITY PARTY HAS BEEN CANCELLED IN FAVOR OF A “SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT” PARTY COURTESY OF QUEEN ELSA OVER HERE. THE PEOPLE TOOK A VOTE AND WE WANT LESS WHINING AND MORE ACTION

oh my god look at this lady folks

NOTE THE HAIR BLOWING IN THE NONEXISTENT WIND. NOW WE KNOW WHERE SHOUTO GOT THIS POWER FROM

(ETA: btw guys, seeing Rei handle this crisis like an absolute champ despite everything she’s been through is everything, though. I’m reminded of Hawks’s line last week about people sometimes unexpectedly finding liberation when they’re backed into a corner. like things may be shit but goddammit her kiddos need her.)

THE CHAPTER IS ALREADY ENDING SOB, IT’S ONLY A 17-PAGER THIS WEEK, BUT GODDAMN WHAT A WAY TO CLOSE

oh my god. oh my god oh my god. AND FUCK YOU HORIKOSHI FOR CUTTING IT OFF THERE sob. it’s like each week the wait for the next chapter becomes more painful. the Todofam is about to get real, and on top of that Hawks is gonna crash the party at some point down the line, and on top of that we’re still waiting for Kacchan to have his own heartfelt discussion about What The Fuck Are We Supposed To Do Next with his best friend who’s currently in a coma. all I want to do with my life is read about these three things, and all I can do is simply wait as they are portioned out in agonizing, addicting little installments every week

anyway! tune in next time as we answer the question of whether or not fandom will finally run its train of logic all the way through to its natural conclusion and somehow manage to cancel Noted Abuse Apologist Todoroki Fucking Rei. don’t act like it can’t happen. you all know nothing is sacred lol. anyways but I’m ready for anything lol, bring it

[young-dumb-and-vaccinated]

The Sommelier (Hannigram x Female!Reader) pt. 17

Hannibal teaches y/n a useful skill.

@dovahdokren @lov3vivian @deadman-inc-bikeshop

Trigger warnings: use of firearms, discussion of firearms, violence

“So where are we off to next?” You asked, following Will around the office. “Are we questioning this Rachel woman, or are we going straight to the church?” 

Will sighed. “Jack and I are going to the church. I’m calling Hannibal to come pick you up.”

“What?” You spat in utter disbelief. “What the hell happened to taking him down together?” 

“You’ve already been more help than we could ask for.” Will explained. “This is the end of the line for you. We--”

He cleared his throat and looked down. “I can’t bear to see you get hurt.” 

“That’s sweet and everything, but,” You folded your arms. “You really think someone is going to hurt me in broad daylight in a megachurch?” 

“Well, somebody stabbed you in broad daylight in a restaurant, and that person just happened to come from this megachurch.” Will rationalized. “So, yes. I wouldn’t say it’s out of the question.” 

“So that’s it, you’re just going to pass me off to Hannibal?” You threw up your arms. “Look, I had enough of this growing up with divorced parents.” 

“Angel,” Will soothed, running a gentle hand down your arm. “Please. I’m begging you, think on this for just a minute and try to see why I don’t want you on this particular excursion?” 

You thought on it for a minute. “Churches do kind of trigger me.”

“I saw how tense you got when that woman said she’d kicked her daughter out of the house for dating a girl. I understand, dealing with people who remind you of Chase is going to trigger you.” Will whispered. “Have you even taken any time to work on healing?” 

“I could say the same to you.” You disputed. “You killed a woman and then came face-to-face with her mother. Why aren’t you trying to work through that?” 

“That’s different.” He blurted out. “That’s my job.” 

“Sure.” You snipped. “I have to take time to work through my PTSD, but you don’t. Got it.” 

“If you go home with Hannibal now, I promise I will...” He hesitated to finish the sentence. “I’ll work on my issues too. Cross my heart.” 

“Oh, I will absolutely hold you to that.” You pointed at him. “And I’m telling Hannibal you said that.” 

Will immediately regretted making that promise and it was obvious from his expression. “Please don’t.” 

“I am absolutely going to do that.” You said, in a way in which he couldn’t tell if you were kidding or not. 

Hannibal opened the passenger’s door for you and greeted you with a kiss. He could tell you were feeling off after only a few seconds. 

“Why so sad, my indulgence?” He asked, pulling out of the parking lot. “Don’t tell me you enjoy Will’s company more than mine?” 

“What? No.” You shook your head. “No way.” 

“You can tell me what’s on your mind, love.” He assured you. 

You sighed and rested your head on the window. “Will doesn’t want me to help on the investigation anymore.” 

“I don’t see why he should.” Hannibal agreed. “You’re tracking down the man who tried to kill you, and he’s tracking down the man who tried to kill his lover. Both of you are far too close to the situation and your mental health will suffer for it. But, in the end, it’s Will’s job.” 

“I know.” You conceded. 

“That, and,” Hannibal continued. “Will is a trained professional under the supervision of other trained professionals. He’s far less likely to get hurt.” 

“I get it.” You groaned and rolled your eyes. “At the end of the day, he’s the action hero and I’m the damsel in distress.” 

“Darling,” Hannibal scolded. “You know our situation isn’t so black-and-white. You know the investigation couldn’t have worked without you.” 

“I know.” You pouted. “I just wanted the final blow, y’know? I think I deserve to finish the job.” 

Hannibal went quiet for a moment. When you came to a stoplight, he turned his gaze to you. “You want to be more proactive in your safety.” 

“Would be nice.” You shrugged. 

“I wasn’t asking.” Hannibal corrected. “You do want to be more proactive. It’s why you have a firearms license in your wallet and a handgun in your car. It’s also why you were looking up hunting equipment last night while you were on the phone with Freddie Lounds.” 

You swallowed. Every word in the English language escaped you. He was right. You never saw the appeal of guns until you lived alone. Even though a "gun owner" was technically what you were, you didn't want to associate yourself with the jingoistic, hyper-masculine culture affixed to the term. You were just a woman who kept a gun in her car and had all the proper licensing and registration for it. Nothing wrong with that. So why did it have you feeling so defensive? 

You lowered your head. “I’m sorry.” 

“For?” 

“Lying about Freddie Lounds.” You finished. “I don’t know why I felt the need to lie about that, in hindsight-” 

“I understand.” Hannibal cut you off. “You were just doing what you felt needed to be done. Will would have done the same.” 

He was right again. 

“Ambitious of you to select a shotgun as your weapon of choice.” Hannibal observed. “At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, I have to ask. Do you know how to use one?” 

“No.” You admitted. “It was just a power fantasy, I guess. All I know is that you can blast a guy’s head off with one.” 

Without a word, Hannibal took an abrupt turn. 

“Isn’t your place that way?” You asked, pointing in the opposite direction. 

“Do you have your license on you now?” He asked. 

“Of course I do, why?”

“Because we’re going to make your power fantasy a reality.” He answered.

Soon enough, you pulled up to a large hunting store with a shooting range attached. 

“Go in and pick out something you like.” Hannibal instructed, reaching for his wallet. “I’ll be waiting for you at the range and I can teach you how to use it.” 

He offered you one of his shiny metal credit cards. When you didn’t immediately take it, he pushed it closer to you. 

“I just got a thousand dollars from Freddie Lounds.” You pushed his hand away. “I can pay for it.” 

“You deserve something much nicer than only a thousand dollars can buy you.” Hannibal’s voice hardened. 

“So then I’ll buy something more than a thousand dollars and use your credit card to make up the difference.” You offered. 

“No.” Hannibal said, sternly. “I will buy you a nice gun and plenty of ammo, and you will save your thousand dollars for when you open your own restaurant.” 

“How did you-” You objected. 

He cut you off. “Will isn’t very good at keeping secrets, dear. Take it.” 

You laughed uncomfortably. “Hannibal, if you don’t put that credit card away I will bite your finger off.” 

His thin lips curled into a cunning smile. He offered you his other hand. “Bite away, darling.”  

You wordlessly snatched the card from his hand. 

“Oh, pity.” Hannibal feigned disappointment. “Did I call your bluff?” 

You tucked the card away in your pocket. You leaned in as if you were going to give him a kiss on the cheek, but playfully nipped at his earlobe. 

"Remind me to give you a little special attention when the lesson is up." He whispered, his hand clutching your arm.

You made sure to walk away slowly, rolling your hips with every step.

You entered the store, feeling overwhelmed and significantly less confident than you did while shopping for guns online.

An employee approached you. You mentally prepared yourself for whatever sexist comment he was about to hurl at you. But somebody must have taught this particular associate that being a misogynist prick doesn't sell guns.

"Anything I can help you find, ma'am?"

Your mouth ran before your brain. "I'd like to buy a gun, please."

"Well, you've come to the right place." The employee smiled. "What kind of gun are you looking for?"

"A shotgun." You corrected.

"Well, we have plenty of makes and models to choose from." He clapped his hands together and led you to a wall lined with shotguns. "Any specifics in mind?"

"I guess I just want something simple enough to use." You scratched the back of your head. "My boyfriend is taking me skeet shooting this weekend so I don't have time to learn all the complicated mechanics."

"So skeet?" The man put his hands down on the counter and looked deep in thought. He turned around and pulled one off the shelf. "I'd recommend this CZ over-under. It's a good place to start."

He offered it to you. Your eyes widened and your first instinct was to refuse.

He looked at you with confusion. "How are you gonna shoot anything if you don't hold it?"

You shook off your nerves and took the gun in your hands. It was a little heavy, and tilted near the stock. You looked at it as if it were a beautiful but deadly venomous tropical snake.

"Over-under's are the working man's shotgun." The employee said. "Or, woman, as it were."

You held it up to your shoulder like you saw in movies and felt a strange rush of exhilaration pulsing through your body.

"It's nice, right?" He asked. "And you can get to the trigger okay?"

"I'll take it." You said. "And some bullets, please."

"Now we're cooking with gas." He answered, a big smile on his face. "Let's get you rung up."

The fact that he didn't even stop to notice that the name on your license didn't match the name on the credit card only emphasized your country's need for stricter gun control laws. Even if the lack of such laws benefitted you in that moment, the ease of the process killed you a little.

The total came up to just under a thousand dollars. You couldn't bring yourself to spend more than you planned to, even if it was Hannibal's treat. You already felt weird about using Hannibal's money, let alone so much of it.

The employee saw you out with a friendly "happy skeeting" and you set off to meet Hannibal at the range.

"There you are, love." He greeted you. He had removed his suit coat and tie, and rolled the sleeves of his dress shirt up to his elbows.

For a split second, you completely forgot about the gun and were overtaken by the need to fuck him. You quickly regained control of yourself. "Yeah. I found something."

"I should hope so." He said, beckoning to you from the stall. "Come now. Let me show you what to do."

You stood in front of the booth, ears and eyes protected. At the end of the long booth was a paper target. Hannibal positioned himself behind you. He took your hand in his and guided it to the stock wrist.

"Wrap your fingers around here, like this." He instructed, his dark, accented voice shaking you to your core. "Now extend your finger to reach the trigger. Yes, that's it."

"Now place your other hand on the fore-end and hold the end of the stock against your shoulder."

The way he shaped your body, positioned your limbs felt almost alarmingly natural. He wasn't just indulging your power fantasy, he was directing it.

"Cheek against the stock, love." He instructed. "The gun is an extention of you. You must hold it firmly and give it support. You move with it, it moves with you."

He rummaged through the shopping bag and pulled out a package of shells. "Are you ready to shoot it, darling?"

"I think I should probably load it first." You said, nervously.

"Well that should take us no time at all." Hannibal approached with two 12 gauge shotshells. "Go ahead and engage the break lever right at the edge of the barrel."

When the gun suddenly bent in half, your first thought was that you'd broken it. Hannibal handed you the two shells and watched you timidly slide one into each barrel.

You felt yourself shaking and your palms were damp with sweat. You swallowed. "I don't know if I can do this."

"Were you afraid the first time you drove a car?" Hannibal raised an eyebrow.

"Cripplingly." You nodded. "I was so scared I didn't take my foot off the brake the whole time."

"But now driving comes just as naturally to you as walking." Hannibal smiled comfortingly. He placed his hands over yours and returned you to the shooting position. On one side, the cold stock rested against your cheekbone. On the other, Hannibal's hot breath grazed against your skin. "It just takes some getting used to."

Your finger squeezed the trigger and the massive projectile exploded from the gun. The stock pushed back into your shoulder, making you stumble backwards into Hannibal.

"Holy shit!" You exclaimed. "That's got some serious recoil. Is it supposed to do that?"

Hannibal chuckled and took a step back, giving you a little space. "Yes, darling. Now go ahead and fire off the next shot."

Your eyes widened. "Okay."

"Remember, you move with the gun, you don't fight the gun." He instructed. "It's more afraid of you than you are of it."

You squeezed the trigger again, this time fully expecting the recoil. The shot fired, and this time it hit the target.

You hopped in delight. "Holy shit I actually got one!"

"All it takes is a little getting used to." Hannibal stroked your hair. "Now unload the shotgun shells and let's go again."