#this is about 40% a joke and 60% my genuine thoughts on the matter

[swinging-stars-from-satellites]

I think when the guys have basically been writing their own RPF literally since the beginning of their career it's ok

[blissfulalchemist]

multiples of 5 + get a room xx

Hello Stella this was a lot but! here we are!

5. What do they like the most about each other?

Both can very much appreciate their shamelessness for public flirting and PDA. We won’t also state the other obvious thing both like about the other. On a sappy level though Hayat most likes Mason’s ability to find the darkest corner of any room no matter how bright it is. Truly that is a fucking skill and just HOW!? can you make that happen sir???? What Mason likes the most about Hayat is the way he’s ready with something to lighten most deadly situations that can make you want to smile or laugh if it was any other setting other than impending doom. Seriously sir, you are literally bleeding out and you’re trying to make a joke about getting laid right here and now???

10. How do they resolve their arguments?

Both are terrible in that they will kind of just ignore it or just put it to the side and then never come back to it until they have too, which means it built up a bit more than just something that could have been a smaller argument. Typically though most resolutions happen at night and on roofs or balconies and the like. Life’s a lot calmer during that time of day and its also easier on Mason’s senses which in the heat of the moment are harder to control and that extra stimulation isn’t helpful in quelling any kind of anger or feelings of upset. This is usually when Hayat will take the initiative to leave if Mason hasn’t done it by that point. In the end one of them will come to the other and get it resolved not too long after. Both are man enough to admit when they were in the wrong.

Rarely (surprisingly) there is little make up sex. Most of the bigger arguments are in relation to things that are emotionally deep and intimate, which both have to relearn or find out and you can’t just do that with sex. 

15. Who pays for the food the most, when they go out?

Hayat. Not that Mason doesn’t have the means or is opposed to it, Hayat just beats him to the punch and is paying before it can even process in Mason’s head that he should pay for food every now and then (even id he himself doesn’t eat very much).

20. Do they give each other nicknames?

Mason calls Hayat by two different nicknames. The first one being the nickname Hiya as this is something approved by Hayat himself, though he still rolls his eyes over Hiya picking that kind of nickname as its some version of a pun technically. Mason also calls him “Handsome” which made Hayat a bit uncomfortable for a while there. This was even said before they even slept together and god Hayat thought he was going to die or hit him eventually as well....Bobby also called him “Handsome”. Given a little time it started to change and Hayat warmed up to the name and by Book 3 happens that old association really leaves him when hearing Mason say it. 

Hayat will shorten Mason’s name to Mase now and then, but this is also a sort of pun name as he can threaten people with the phrase “I’m gonna Mase you” which basically means “I’m gonna send my anger inclined boyfriend at you”. This threat is very rare and only is said when the timing is right. (Yes my son needs help). Hayat also refers to Mason as “Eshgham” which translates to “My Love” or “Delbar-am” that translates to “One who stole my heart” when they’re being a little sappy and also “Kharâbetam” which translates to “I’m ruined for you” typically when its more private behind closed doors as it’s a bit more intense than the other two.

25. How do they comfort each other when one of them is scared?

Hayat’s a bit better at it than Mason in comforting but there’s a check in between the two of them. Sometimes its silent and both can tell where the other stands in their fear. Other times it is asked aloud and also paired with a touch of some kind. Even when these two are asking it jokingly there is always a hint of looking out for the other and just making sure that there’s truth to what is said. Honestly just being near one another is enough to comfort when they’re scared. 

30. Do they attend any clubs or formal parties together?

Neither are really suited to formal parties to be honest. They will if they must or if its something that is involved with family and such, but neither are really the formal type. 

35. How do they spend time if the other is gone?

Both have a life outside of the other and so many times they will partake in that side. Hiya has a good amount of friends that he likes to spend time with and Mason also has Unit Bravo along with work so he can focus on that.

40. Thoughts on kids?

Hayat likes kids and never plans on ever having them unless it feels right or just happens. Mason’s personality doesn’t lend itself to being kid friendly but is mostly indifferent.

45. How are birthdays spent?

Hey Mason! You’ve never had a birthday party! Well guess what! You’re getting a birthday party! It won’t be very big or elaborate but it’ll be a small celebration with cake, balloons, games, music, and the party hats. All planned by Hiya and encouraged by Felix.

Hayat typically ends up having a small party as Tina likes to have fun and then his family like to celebrate so they have a mini party. However! Hayat was born on Leap Year and you can bet that there is an even bigger party that is themed with the appropriate age so at his 2020 celebration he will be 7! such a big year :’).

Once all the day party stuff is over though there’s a good amount of private celebrating happening. The gift that is consistent between them involves a weekend away.

50. Who makes the best flower crown?

Hayat. He doesn’t make them often and really ends up needing help but when he gets something he’ll give them to members of the team. Mason isn’t a fan to say the least but for Hiya he’ll reduce the scowl.

55. Are they a super sappy couple?

Sappy as in kissy faces and nicknames and just like adorable-ness? No…..well the kissy faces sure but if it goes on long enough you may want to avert your gaze. Look they are very forward with each other and they don’t show any signs of being uncomfortable with it. In private you get the more sappy moments but even then there’s this casualness with them that leads to it seeming only as a physical relationship. Really it’s more Hayat that can be the sappy one.

60. Who will punch someone out if they are rude to their partner?

Mason primarily (Sir I cannot wait for you to meet the Ex). Hayat doesn’t like to let himself turn to violence so it would take a lot of anger to do so.

65. Who loves kids more?

This would go to Hayat more. He acts somewhat like a kid himself and he can keep them fairly entertained and help them feel reassured if they’re scared. Hayat comes from a fairly big family and there were always kids around so he enjoys their company.

70. Who is the hopeless romantic?

I have to give this one to Hayat as he can be a bit more of an outward hopeless romantic. I do believe that Mason is the secretive hopeless romantic that isn’t fully aware that he is.

75. Who are their favourite musical artist(s)?

Mason doesn’t listen to much music as its hard to find things that are easy to handle with the heightened senses.

Hayat likes more of the pop punk music. Bands like Fall Out Boy, All Time Low, Reliant K, AWOLNATION, Walk the Moon, The Killers, etc. To compensate for the harshness of some of the songs Hayat has made a specific playlist of acoustic covers and softer songs to play when Mason is near and not really up for enduring his normal playlists. 

80. What do they love about each other the most?

Hayat loves the genuineness of Mason. Like admittedly there’s some secrets and like holding back but that more stems from needing trust in order to talk about that kind of stuff. With Mason its really a “What you see is what you get” kind of person and more importantly with this is that Mason’s actions match with what he’s saying. That is just so important for Hiya now as it gives him the most comfort in pursuing something with him.

For Mason its this ability for Hayat to be invading but also keep his distance. Hayat will press and stick close to Mason with emotional stuff but he’s not pushy about it and will let Mason take the time needed to figure stuff out. Hayat doesn’t also just brush Mason off with his needs or attitude. Mason wants to be close to someone but wants a sort of setting where you’re alone together (like you and your partner are in the same room but doing different things with the occasional shout out) and Hayat lets that happen.

85. Who accidental sets something on fire?

I’d say both as one day that lighter’s gonna get Mason in trouble but it would be more Hayat. Sometimes he likes to just fiddle around with tech stuff and the wrong wires get crossed and soon there’s a mini fire happening. What can you do?

90. Who is the one that would bring the puppy home?

Both, but Mason would pick the kitten/cat up and bring them home to Hayat more than a puppy. Just seems a bit more like a cat person. 

[kdramaftme]

Kdrama recommendations!

I’ve been wanting to do this for some time, so now I’m doing it! Here are a few of my favorite shows that I think you’ll enjoy! 

1. Legend of the Blue Sea

Genres: Comedy, Drama, Fantasy, Romance

Episodes: 20, ~60 min

Summary: A mermaid decides to follow a man she meets back to Seoul after saving him. There she tries to adjust to the modern human world all the while trying to keep her supernatural side hidden, but still let her feelings bloom.  The man she follows is a skilled con-man, who lives together with his two roommates, conning rich people out of their money, and evading the police.  The drama is set in modern times, but with a parallel story from the Joseon era unfolding, letting us get a look at their past lives. 

Why I recommend it: It’s hard to say exactly why - because when I was watching it, I really didn’t think it was that special - but when I finished it, I suddenly found myself thinking about it and almost missing the characters. Lee Min Ho and Jun Ji Hyun together in the leading roles were brilliant, and I think their chemistry was great; his reluctance mixed with her eagerness. I also liked the supporting cast and characters. 

The comedy was great, the storyline was great (and the romance was really good!), and the ending was nice and fulfilling. I think Lee Min Ho’s acting was great, and I really liked his character - he has a certain charisma that is hard to deny, and his voice is very soothing. 

Why you might not like it: If you’re not a fan of Joseon era dramas, then you might find the “flashbacks” (if you can call them that) boring or unnecessary. Also, if you’re prone to second-hand embarrassment, then the few first episodes might be hard for you to handle. If you’re not a fan of family drama and the trope where the stepmom comes into the picture and kicks out the biological child, then you might not like it. Other than that, I recommend that you give it a go!

2. The Fiery Priest 

Genres:  Comedy, Detective, Investigation, Mystery

Episodes: 40, ~25-30 min

Summary: A catholic priest with a shady past and anger management issues meets and teams up with a detective from the Gudam Police Station in their joint investigation into the murder of an elderly priest. Together they have to try and detangle a web of bribes and mafia connections to get to the bottom of the murder. 

Why I recommend it: It’s honestly so funny and got a whole bunch of really interesting characters. Kim Nam Gil looks absolutely stunning, and the action scenes (quite a few) are really good and the dialogue is always snappy and fast paced. All the female characters are great, and differ from each other and from the usual tropey way female characters are written. I just feel like I have to say that it’s really funny one more time! Because it is, and not in the childish way some comedic kdramas are written, but in a genuinely good way. Please go watch! 

Why you might not like it: It’s not that it’s slow per se, more that it’s a bit though trying to watch the first episodes (up to episode 10, or 5, if you watch them in pairs) because nothing seems to go the leads way. His clues end up being covered up, and when he thinks he got the upper hand he doesn’t. That all changes after a while tho, so stay with it! Also, if you don’t watch kdramas without romance, then this isn’t the one for you, because there’s no romantic plot. And, since he’s a priest, there are some jokes about religion - so you have to be comfortable with that. 

3. Tomorrow With You

Genres: Drama, Fantasy, Melodrama, Romance

Episodes: 16, ~60 min

Summary: A man who can travel through time by taking the subway never manages to travel past a specific date, the day he dies. No matter how hard he tries to change his life, his future won’t change. So he decides to find the woman who is in the same accident as him, and who he later learns dies at the exact time as him in the hospital. He decides to marry her, to try and save her from her own fate - and by extension, himself from his fate. Slowly, he falls in love with her, despite not marrying her for the right reasons. 

Why I recommend it: It’s a really good story, with great actors, and great chemistry between the leads. I love Shin Min Ah, and she shines in this role. The romance feels very natural, and there’s a lot of cute moments because they get married fairly early in the drama. There’s also a surprisingly shortage of plotholes, despite being a time-travel story (which tend to get messy and tangled up). It’s a really heart-warming drama. 

Why you might not like it: If you’re not a fan of the female lead being “strung along” you might not like the few first episodes. To be honest, that’s the only thing I can think of, that might put people off. It’s honestly a great drama. 

4. Thirty But Seventeen

Genres:  Comedy, Romance

Episodes: 32, ~30 min

Summary: A girl ends up in an accident, and falls into a coma for 13 years. When she wakes up, she’s 30 years old and has to engage with the world in a totally different way than before. One day, she decides to go home, but is shocked when she realises that her remaining family moved on without her, and that someone else lives in her old house. Through a series of misunderstandings and comedic accidents, she ends up living in the house with the current owner, and together they manage to open up a window to happiness that they had thought closed. 

Why I recommend it: It’s such a sweet and heart-warming story, and I was soft for almost the whole cast the whole way through. Even though the premise was a bit off-putting for me (she moves in with a 30 yr old male, isn’t she still 17 in her head??) they really resolved it in a good way, and it wasn’t creepy at all. Even though she was pretty naive, and new to stuff like getting a job or figuring out cell phones, she was never taken advantage of. They build such a sweet relationship based on trust and loyalty, it’s so niceee. 

Why you might not like it: if you don’t like the trope where characters almost meet but not quite - always a few steps behind or in front - then you might be a bit irritated by this drama, because it happens quite a lot. If you also don’t like a case of mistaken identity, then that’s also one of the tropes in this drama - though it is resolved in a very satisfying way. 

5. Splash Splash Love

Genres: Fantasy, Historical, Romance

Episodes: 2, ~60 min

Summary: A girl is transported back to the Joseon era on a rainy day, where she ends up at the palace. Disguising herself as a young eunuch, she ends up falling in love with the king when she tutors him in math. 

Why I recommend it: I just love this mini-series. I wish there was at least 15 episodes more of it, because it’s so great. I love Kim Seul Gi in the leading female role, and the plot is so sweet and funny and lovely that I always return to it when I’m feeling down. The romance is great as well, and I’ve heard that many say it ends the way Scarlet Heart should have ended. Please go give it a watch, you won’t regret it. 

Why you might not like it: idk, if you don’t like historical dramas, then this might not be right up your alley, but since she’s a modern girl in a historical story it might make it easier for you. Please just watch it. 

That’s all I have for now!! Thanks for reading!

[chenqingssuibian]

You have a lqr x emperor au?? tell us please!

First off: sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to this! I simply have a lot in my brain, particularly concerning this AU of mine, and so I needed time to collect myself.

Basically, it started with someone in the Xuanli discord, can’t remember who, mentioning that there is, apparently, a canonical emperor in MDZS, disconnected from the chaos of what actually goes on in the novel. I thought (and still think) this is very funny, and made a joke about how he’s probably getting people coming to his court to petition, or something, complaining about the YLLZ digging up dear old grandma and using her in some cultivator war, and the Emperor having to be like “Sorry, citizen! Not my juristiction!”

After that, someone (again, cannot remember who - might’ve been me, even!) brought up the idea that someone from our cast of cultivators, probably the old generation, is keeping him updated on the ongoings. “Probably Lan Qiren,” I said. “Maybe they’re pen-pals!”

And then I spiralled.

See, LQR was hot. (Is hot, if you’re into... GILFs? I wouldn’t really call him a DILF. I think it’s the length of his facial hair.) With that in mind, I had what I would comfortably call a galaxy-brain moment: what if the Emperor is in love with LQR?

So. I started plotting. Perhaps they met while the Emperor was still the Crown Prince, long before the births of the Twin Jades and everyone else in their generation - some 40 to 50 years before canon. Maybe LQR’s/Papa Lan’s father was the pen-pal of the previous Emperor, or every twenty years or so the various Sect Leaders of the cultivation world come together (with or without their heirs) to meet the Emperor, or something. IDK politics. Either way, during this time period, LQR and the Crown Prince meet, maybe have a romantic couple of days, and promise to exchange letters. In this scenario, they would continue to exchange letters throughout the events we know of in the canon timeline of MDZS, from Papa Lan taking Madame Lan as a wife and going into seclusion, to the births of the Twin Jades, and so on. With this set up, there comes a point where the Crown Prince-who would, obviously, become the Emperor somewhere in there-becomes perhaps the only true friend LQR has.

So. Some point, after LXC comes out of seclusion after healing from the events of canon and after Wangxian come home from their honeymoon across the cultivation world, LQR. Has enough. It’s not that he’s leaving, per say - he’s going to the capitol city of whatever dynasty MDZS is vaguely set in on official business! He just. Stays longer than he has to. Visiting an old friend, if anyone bothers to ask.

This is, of course, the first time in some... 30 or so years since the Emperor and LQR have seen each other face to face. The Emperor, who has a harem and many children and is, now, probably in his mid-to-late 60′s, freaks out. LQR looks roughly the same as when they last saw each other, bar some gray hairs; meanwhile, the Emperor has deep crows’ feet at the corners of his eyes, and laugh lines, and after some injury or another he walks with a slight limp. He is also still very much in love with LQR, which he thought he wasn’t, since he genuinely did love his wives! He does! It’s just... Not the same. (No love is the same, is what his first wife, the Empress, tells him when he confesses this to her in tears.)

The Harem start scheming. Not in the whole... Harem intrigue, I’m-the-Emperor’s-true-love sort of way, but in the let’s-get-our-husband-a-husband way! They don’t all like each other, because of course they don’t; I think I wrote somewhere in my very messy outline that there are, like, 14 of them. However, they all do care about their husband, in some way or another, and it’s been around 10 years since the Emperor took another spouse, so, frankly, the Harem could use some entertainment. The New Crown Prince, the eldest of the Emperor’s male children, and a couple of the younger ones, are all in on it, too, because the Emperor is well-loved, damn it, and they want to see their Royal Father happy!

I imagine Parent Trap-esque shenanigans from the Princes and Princesses in on the Harem’s plot to get LQR and the Emperor back together, and completely unsubtle talking-up of the Emperor’s prowess and kindness, or something, from the Harem. LQR is not stupid - he would notice something is going on! He’s also dealing with his own thing, though; namely, that he is not as removed from human desire as he thought he was, and he still very much carries a torch for perhaps the one man he cannot have.

That’s right. Mutual pining, peanut gallery shenanigans, supportive-if-petty Harem members, insecurity, and the different ways you can love a person (or people!) throughout your lifetime! Those are the essential parts of this AU!

It’s going to be a long time coming, though. As you might’ve noticed, I have not named the Emperor. I’m going to need to look through the various names of real Emperors throughout China’s various dynasties, as well as naming conventions for royal families, which may or may not be different from the sorts of names members of the aristocracy or common folk may have (I do not know! I need to find out!) and I haven’t had the time to do so. So, no name for the Emperor yet, but I know the vibe I want the name to have. I want the name, and the Emperor, to have an inherent gentleness to it. I imagine him to be a kind man with a strong sense of justice, and I want a name that says that. Some of the Harem members have place-holder names, for now; in my outline, I mostly refer to them with surnames. (The Empress’s surname, in case you’re wondering, is Zhou!)

So. That’s the AU, dear anon. Took me a while to type this out! Not as long as it took to answer this ask, though :P If you, or anyone else, for that matter, have any further questions-or name suggestions, please help me-feel free to ask! I love talking about my more out-there AUs, and this one... is out-there, I think. Fun to think about, though!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i’m very bemused about the developments (nothing really happened lol) re: riawin this episode..........

like naturally her implying like “oh you’re wholly unattractive to me of course” is. not the most encouraging and natch like, i guess overall my takeaway is to be like “well i guess i should brace myself harder for the intention re: this arc to just be that winston has a hopeless unrequited crush and rian thinks he’s alright but is wholly uninterested b/c why would anyone be interested lol” And Yet i still can’t write it off as [winston is just gonna be the butt of the joke as a cringe loser with a fail one-sided crush] b/c like. it still wasn’t entirely clear-cut??? and it’d be really easy to shoot him down even harder / have her be more obviously repulsed and >:/ about it or whatever

like a) complicating factor that nobody’s sober in this scene, though we can maybe read into it as both of them being a bit more Unfiltered than usual and b) complicating factor that it’s been made clear that rian likes to mess with him and has prior insulted him while not Really making it about dunking on him, i.e. her calling him a douche while arguing for him Not being fired, and here it’s like....his attention can’t be Completely cringe and fail to her, in that she’s like. fine to talk to him, obviously he’s at least not like, getting the [oh god the quant being interested in someone? how awful for them b/c that must be so gross and annoying / frustrating for them] and. at the very least rian seems not antagonized l o l.......not saying the most, but it would be Very plausible for billions to have gone that route of like. the Joke being that someone is dealing with the cringe quant’s fail romantic interest

aaaand again i’m moved Slightly more in the direction of “://// guess i’d better at least Expect it could very well just Stay a one-sided crush” like, keep that 60/40 or whatever lol, And Yet.......you’d think that it’d be 100/0 either way by now? as weird as it is that, if this is something that’s gonna Happen, we’re 3 eps in and nobody’s kissed b/c usually billions gets there in 2 episodes so that’s a hell of a slow burn, on the flip side it’s Also weird that we’re 3 episodes in and winston’s been crushing from the start and he hasn’t had that crush entirely shot down either? like, if billions was doing the “joke” of winston being a loser whose Interest / attention is Obviously unwanted and repulsive to whomever is the would-be recipient, it’s hardly cashing in on that joke very much? and it’s odd that this is being so drawn out lmao like. you’d think it’d have let that be a running joke of winston showing his [i have a crush] hand too much and rian going “ugh god” about it a few times and maybe finally dunking him into “I Am Clearly Completely Uninterested” zone but like......while this was, again, hardly encouraging, it hasn’t been That. aaand i’m not sure what billions would be saving that for?

like, even without the behind the scenes, info, 5x05 pretty clearly establishes Winston Has A Crush, and then their content in 5x06 isn’t very heartwarming but it still continues that, and here we have winston clearly like. seemingly not Not as taken with rian as ever even after that would-be disheartening exchange. sure, it Could just be like, putting the emphasis on being Hopelessly smitten or whatever lmao, but like, why are they continuing to set this up???? i suppose they might just at some point forget about it / drop the thread for no reason l o l but let’s assume they Don’t, billions isn’t the most prone to like. something like this being Built Up and then fading out quietly with no mention. so you know, either Relationship happens or a bit of heartbreak does. or i suppose it could be relevant in some totally coincidental way where like, the quant having Feelings plays into something that would otherwise be unrelated in an unexpected way. if this Isn’t unrequited, it’s taking a while to get there by billions standards for sure, and if it’s doomed, it’s Also taking a while to get there, and you’d think billions would lean harder into the Joke of winston’s crush being wholly unwanted and so cringe & fail of him or whatever

like ultimately this has all sure been Very set up and it’s sure weird we don’t really know where this [the Quants] plotline is going lmao like. made it v clear winston has a crush, and for What? which isn’t rhetorical like, seriously, for what lol. cuz going into this i’d’ve thought a) they’d get around to kissing already or b) winston and/or him having ~feelings~ for rian would not come up at all or c) he’d get fully shut down......and it was weird that it Did come up again but he was once more only kind of shut down but not out and out rejected? like, is this just a really slow burn, where she’s continuing to enjoy messing with him for the moment (we know she Knows he likes her and like, despite the lowered filter, it’s weird to arbitrarily bring up how hot you find something or someone or not l o l ....), or i suppose it’s possible she could like him Better as time goes on, billions doesn’t tend to wanna take its time with this stuff, but who knows, it Is taking its time with this one way or another. b/c otherwise like, this is a little mean of the show towards the character lol if the plan is for this to be a 4ever Unrequited Crush and he’s still pining 3 eps in and who knows how many more after this? not like billions has been too interested in being kind to winston, but s5 Has been better for him in some ways for sure, and again it *is* like. telling us for three episodes in a row “winston has a crush” like. okay and what’s going to come of that!!! if the “point” of dragging this out is just like. haha winston has a crush, what an idiot, then that’s like....mean to him lmao & you’d think if it was the point, billions would be Meaner about it, since like, all of s4 was like “look how Everyone is annoyed by winston and expressing this disdain for him and he doesn’t know how to have any social appeal, let’s dunk on him” lol.........and like, the even worse version of that i guess would be like, rian knows he likes her (which we know is true) and it’s entirely unrequited (which Might be true) and she likes messing with him (which seems to be true) and is just like, having fun using his crush as an avenue to thusly mess with him. which would not be nice. hopefully that’s not the case, b/c it doesn’t seem like rian does have any genuine contempt for winston or anything like that, and b/c i wouldn’t want her to be someone who does actually want to talk to him (which does seem to be true also lol) but whose Amusement with him (which has seemed 2 be harmless so far) is like. Does have a contemptuous streak to it where it’s like, she might not want to openly dunk on him or roll her eyes or tell him his metaphors are stupid or whatever, but it’d be more along the lines of like, the inherent Disrespect of viewing him as more a source of entertainment than as a person you’d want to connect with in any way. that would suck & it’d be mean of the show to be like “here’s someone who doesn’t hate winston from the start!!! but she just fundamentally dislikes him in a way that manifests entirely differently, actually” l o l..........this Worst Route would be so unnecessary in so many ways

anyways but yeah just writing out thoughts here and i’m like, well this episode all could’ve been worse lmao, and it’s just a little perplexing why this is The Third Episode In Which Winston Has A Crush and there just hasn’t been any resolution one way or another? like, what is the plan for this. rian kind of going out of her way to imply he’s wholly unappealing sure means that even if he’s clearly sweeter on her than ever that’s sort of......cancelled out by her first saying something about him Would be hot if it wasn’t him, and then by telling him she knows he likes her but just.....changing the subject lol..........like, why wasn’t he just smacked completely down in this episode. it wasn’t encouraging, i’m moving a step towards “well i guess it’s slightly more likely it’s meant to be Eternally Unrequited rather than a total coin toss” but i still don’t feel like it really tipped the scales either way and i wish it would’ve lmao like. if i *did* really think this was nailing the coffin shut i’d embrace that, would rather be bitter about it but have closure going into an indefinite hiatus than not. but this is still weirdly up in the air and yet they’re clearly like “this is a thing!!! winston having a crush on the rian is a thing!!! for these past three episodes” and that’s a long time in terms of Billions Arcs for us to Essentially be in the same place as the end of 5x05. if winston’s feelings aren’t returned and aren’t going to be at any point, why does his crush still matter? why not just let it be like, winston expresses his crush more clearly, rian more clearly lets him know it’s never gonna happen? if they Are gonna kiss or something, why is rian being quite as negative there lmao and why is it getting such a slowburn. it’s definitely a case where Winston’s Feelings Matter and don’t seem to be a total joke, which i appreciate, but i’d also appreciate some resolution here, is the tl;dr i suppose lmao

[nessa-is-bored]

100 reasons why I love Lee Taeyong

I’m not good at making gifs or making fancy video edits with emotional music playing in the background, so instead I give you some of the reasons why I adore Taeyong. Happy birthday to an absolute angel!

-------

1. I love how he’s an amazing leader and someone who his members can always rely on.

2. I love how much he loves Ruby and how he talks about her fondly.

3. I love how much he always thinks of the fans, and tells us to take care of ourselves.

4. I love how humble he stays, no matter how many opportunities he and NCT get, he always says it’s because of us, NCTZENs.

5. I love how even the earpiece he wears on stage is a dedication to NCTZENs.

6. I love how passionate he is during every performance. It doesn’t matter if the venue is big or small, he gives his all during every stage.

7. I love how much Taeyong loves music. He’s involved in creating NCT’s music and you can just tell how much he loves being in the studio.

8. I love the passion he has for his job. An idol who just cares about making money can’t compare to an idol who genuinely loves what they do. And I can see and feel, with all of Taeyong’s performances, that he loves the stage.

9. I love how much Taeyong wants to be acknowledged for more than his looks and how he works hard every single day to make that happen.

10. I love how beautiful Taeyong looks when he genuinely smiles.

11. I love how precious his laughter is. It’s like music to my ears when I hear that man laugh.

12. I love how Taeyong puts others before himself and how selfless he is.

13. I love how Taeyong tries his best to speak to fans in their native language when he visits a new place.

14. I love how big of a heart he has.

15. Taeyong is the cutest when he sees animals and pets them, I love that so much 😊

16. I love that he loves plushies so much! I mean, how much cuter can he freaking get?

17. I love him because he set up a scholarship to help students in school.

18. I love that he has had this scholarship set up since he debuted and he didn’t do it to make himself look good, he did it out of the kindness of his heart. If the principal of that school hadn’t said anything, we wouldn’t even know about it.

19. I love how he finds time in his busy schedule to volunteer.

20. I love how he makes sure every member is given a chance to speak if they want to during interviews.

21. I love how Taeyong is constantly trying to better himself, as a performer and a person.

22. I love that he once said he tries to keep his opinions of things to himself so that each member can comfortably come to him and express their thoughts.

23. I love how versatile he is. I feel like there’s no concept that Taeyong can’t pull off!

24. I love how much he loves sweets.

25. And I love that when he goes live and is eating sweets, he looks so happy and overall precious!

26. I love that when he is live he just talks to us as if he were catching up with a friend.

27. I love how excited he gets talking about his day and about his music while he’s live.

28. I love the pictures he takes in every new place he visits to share with us.

29. I love every photo shoot he’s ever done with dispatch.

30. And I love how cutely he greets dispatch photographers at the airports.

31. I love that when he feels the beat he just starts dancing.

32. I love the expressions he make while he’s dancing.

33. I love the dance he choreographed for Whiplash. Iconic!

34. I love how stunning he looks when he wears headbands.

35. I love how pretty he looks with bobby pins in his hair.

36. I love how I swore no one could pull off a mullet, but somehow he could do it.

37. I love how he can make any hair color work because he’s Lee Taeyong

38. He can work any hair color but I love Taeyong with black hair because he looks like a prince. And black hair with a suit? Forget about it! That boy has me weak.

39. I love how fluffy his hair can look and how soft it looks when he runs his fingers through it.

40. I love his nose and I wanna boop it!

41. I love his side profile, but then again, Taeyong’s perfect from any angle.

42. I love how he dresses and how clothes are another way for him to express himself

43. I love the customizations he adds to his clothes to make them even more unique.

44. I love how cute he looks in oversized clothing.

45. And I love how cute he looks in glasses

46. Taeyong’s hands. I love them.

47. I love that he can cook. Men who can cook themselves and others a meal are sexy and that’s that.

48. I love the Halloween costumes he comes up with every year.

49. I love how he looks in sparkly clothes.

50. I love how he sometimes (almost always) gets shy when he gets compliments. You would think he’d be used to them by now but he still turns into the cutest, shy bub when he gets one.

51. I love how absolutely beautiful Taeyong looks in unedited, fan pictures.

52. I especially love how he looks in Tyrant Syndrome’s photos.

53. I love how adorable he was when some of the members went on the bridge and he was scared the whole way through it.

54. I love that he wrote the lyrics to their predebut song ‘Piece of Mind’

55. I love how my eyes are just drawn to him during NCT performances.

56. I love that when Angel of Mine comes up on my playlist, the first person to pop into my head is Lee Taeyong.

57. Also when I hear ‘God Must Have Spent A Little More Time on You’ I always think of Taeyong as well.

58. I love what a dork he can be.

59. I love how precious he can be when he’s sulking.

60. I love that he’s learning to play the ukulele. Can’t wait for his first, full ukulele cover!

61. I think we all loved when Mr. Lee Taeyong performed ‘Wakey-Wakey’ in a fucking crop top. That was a moment!

62. I loved watching Taeyong perform ‘Baby Don’t Like It’ live because that performance nearly ended me.

63. I love every fan cam of Taeyong performing ‘Cherry Bomb’, that’s just his fucking song!

64. Oh and also, I have to mention that Mark and Taeyong performing ‘Mad City’ is one of the best things ever! I love that shit as well.

65. I love the pretty earrings he wears.

66. I love Taeyong in all the ‘Boss’ era outfits and I want everyone to freaking know that.

67. I love how he can make walking through an airport look like a runway fashion show.

68. I love how on stage he’s so charismatic and powerful and off stage he’s the cutest bub ever.

69. I love how he’s taken care of the Dreamies since they were young and how Jisung said he wanted to be like Taeyong when he grew up.

70. I love how when he’s with Johnny and Yuta, he’s suddenly the cutest baby.

71. I love how he lets his members tease him. I mean, they kept that TY Track joke going for a while and he always just laughed it off.

72. I love how he and Doyoung are always bickering.

73. I love how much he loves his nephew and how happy he is when he talks about him.

74. I love how much he’s come out of his shell since his debut days. I mean that cute Taeyong we know now wasn’t the image he was giving us during debut days.

75. I love that he’s comfortable in his body. And all you people who wanna comment on his, or anyone’s bodies, need to not. If he’s comfortable then that’s that.

76. I love how during his debut stages, Taeyong never ever slacked even when he was the only member who the “fans” wouldn’t cheer for.

77. I love how when a fan expressed that they missed OT10 while Winwin wasn’t promoting with NCT 127, Taeyong said that he did as well and that one day they’d all be together again. He also said not to be sad.

78. And as much as people want to act like NCT ignore WayV, I love how Taeyong mentions them during a lot of his lives.

79. And I love that when Winwin was added to NCT, Taeyong went out of his way to make him feel comfortable and to make sure he had the choreography down.

80. I love how the position of leader isn’t something he takes lightly. He monitors NCT’s performances and works with the staff to make them the best.

81. I love and admire how when Jungwoo was nervous backstage, Taeyong was there comforting him.

82. I love how Taeyong is slowly getting more involved in the production side of music. I think in the future he’s really going to give us even more gems and I’m looking forward to it.

83. I love when he allows himself to be confident in his skills, because he has every right to be.

84. We don’t hear it enough but I love Taeyong’s singing voice, and I hope I get to hear it more often.

85. I love his rapping style and I don’t care what you bitches try to say, I think he’s a freaking amazing rapper.

86. I love Taeyong’s lyrics. And I love how some are slightly suggestive, some are like an insight into his thoughts, some are just plain weird, but I freaking love them all. I love the fact that there’s a variety and that he can write about several topics.

87. I love how in My Van, he not so subtly tells people that being an SM idol doesn’t mean they have it easier or don’t work as hard as others.

88. I love the predebut song he performs with Kun and Doyoung, Switch Off. It’s a masterpiece and everyone needs to go listen to it!

89. I love how absolutely adorable and precious he looks when he pouts.

90. I love how when NCT wins an award or a weekly music show, Taeyong thanks, not only us, but the members families as well.

91. I love how Taeyong keeps post it notes that fans give him to read them back later.

92. I love how he tries his best to talk to fans during fansigns, even when the staff is rushing them

93. I love how big his eyes are and I like that they look like they’re shining.

94. I love the look on Taeyong’s face when he looks out into a crowd of fans.

95. I love watching him grow. I still remember watching Open the Door back in 2014 and becoming and instant fan! And to see how much he’s grown as a performer and person since that day, just amazes me.

96. I love how much his seniors adore him because he’s so respectful towards them. BoA, Yunho, and Heechul, just to name a few, talk great about Taeyong.

97. I love him because he literally pushes through the pain just to put on the best performance for us. He shouldn’t have to do that, but he does and I love him for always doing his absolute best despite the circumstances.

98. I love how Taeyong once said that it won’t be easy for us to like him and how now he’s learning to love himself and to let himself be loved by others.

99. I love how strong he is, because he puts up with so much and has put up with so much unnecessary hate since his debut.

100. I love how happy being his fan makes me. My world doesn’t revolve around an idol, but Taeyong is one of the few things in life that makes me happy. I’ll support him forever and alway!

[sleepbeeboys]

one hundred reasons not to kill yourself

1. people love you

2. everything will be okay one day. i promise

3. what about all your dreams and goals? how can you accomplish them if you’re dead?

4. we’re all going to die eventually anyways, so make your life the best it can be while you still can!

5. the world sucks without a beautiful person like you

6. lesbians are going to take over the world soon, don’t you want to be around to see that?

7. you’ve probably been told this so many times, but i’ll say it again. suicide is permanent. please, stay alive.

8. you’re such a wonderful and amazing person. you don’t deserve to die, you don’t deserve any of the harm you’re doing to yourself.

9. people you’ve never even met care about you because you’re just that awesome

10. you’ve fallen down, okay? just get back up again. we’ll help you.

11. it’s going to be okay soon. just wait

12. help is out there.

13. i don’t care that you think you deserve to die. it’s not true.

14. one day you’ll smile for real. you’ll be happy, genuinely happy. and it will feel like the best thing in the world, and you’ll feel so glad that you’re still alive to feel that way.

15. you still haven’t finished that bottle of conditioner. what, is it supposed to sit there? go on, use it. and then buy some more, because you can’t die until there is no more conditioner. i strictly forbid it.

16. that feeling of listening to a song that’s been stuck in your head all day

17. being able to talk about something you feel strongly about for as long as you want

18. finally starting a show you’ve been wanting to watch for a while

19. finishing that show you finally started watching

20. seeing someone do something stupid and being able to laugh at them

21. hearing a great song and falling in love with it

22. crying over something so beautiful that you cant handle it and who did what to deserve something like that

23. seeing someone’s absolutely perfect art on your dash

24. being in that confusing state of emotions somewhere between happy and nostalgic and just being able to cry, but it’s some weird form of good crying

25. making fun of/laughing at your past self

26. hearing something so great that it just,, shocks you and you forget how to move

27. shower thoughts

28. sighing at @dennys

29. stranger things season three

30. finally meeting a goal you’ve had for a really long time

31. your favorite song finally being released on itunes/spotify/whatever

32. hearing your favorite song for the first time

33. hearing your favorite song for the fifth time

34. hearing your favorite song for the hundredth time

35. hearing your favorite song for the first time in a while and it still being just as amazing

36. screaming internally because you just love something so mUCH

37. sitting alone on an afternoon in summer and enjoying the warm breeze

38. baby animals !!!

39. sleeping under the stars

40. watching a new movie and absolutely loving it

41. memorizing the soundtrack from said movie

42. hugging someone you haven’t seen in a really long time

43. taking some time for yourself

44. doing something and being proud of it because it actually looks good

45. gazing at the clouds and making funny shapes out of them

46. people who can play multiple instruments exist

47. constellations!!!!!!!!!

48. i mean yeah cuddling with your s/o is nice but,,, cuddling with your best friend???? is so great??????

49. iconic vines

50. fluffy pajama pants

51. my sixth period teacher loves you. she said so herself. i heard it.

52. you have a place in life

53. i love you

54. you MATTER

55. you’re absolutely wonderful

56. don’t turn back now

57. you deserve to stay alive here

58. i’m making suicide illegal, you can’t kill yourself its. illegal

59. tom holland

60. you’re beautiful

61. tom holland is a fucking trained ballet dancer

62. so is robert downey jr.

63. thats a nice thought to have

64. stupid jokes

65. so many other AMAZING people are going to be born, and you could meet them

66. chris pine singing spidey bells

67. just. chris pine

68. bagels

69. don’t die. eat cereal.

70. i took the time to come up with one hundred reasons. one hundred. thats. a lot. and i did it for you.

71. holding hands

72. platonically holding hands

73. people will be sad

74. they’ll cry

75. because they miss you

76. green day is still around

77. so is panic! at the disco

78. and fall out boy!

79. and most likely your favorite artist

80. i still have twenty more reasons why you shouldn’t kill yourself

81. self harm hurts

82. emotionally and mentally, probably not too much physically

83. you’re amazing

84. and very beautiful

85. thomas sanders (@thatsthat24)

86. whipping out an uno reverse card when someone’s an asshole

87. we still don’t know what happened in budapest

88. cards against humanity might buy tumblr

89. america sucks let’s all watch it burn

90. canada

91. we love you canada

92. phil lester (@amazingphil) is alive on this planet with us and that’s all that matters

93. let’s not forget dan howell (@danielhowell) is ALSO alive on this planet with us

94. do we deserve any of the wonderful people on this earth? no

95. but are they here anyways? yes

96. if you try to kill yourself i’ll break into your house and stop you

97. maybe not physically but i’ll be there in spirit

98. you know why? because i care

99. so many people care

100. and you’ve made it this far

[plantcore-posterboy]

75 reasons we love you

Here ya go, baby. @your-friendly-neighborhood-enby

(Credits to Me for these)

1. You're kind, its something I love about you, even on your darkest days, you can make someone else happy.

2. Your interests. You can go on rants about things, and honestly, it's amazing, because once you're interested in something, you're interested in it.

3. You let me rant to you. You can be having a really bad day, but you'll always listen to me.

4. You're an amazing writer. I've read your work for a long time, and you never cease to amaze me.

5. You're adorable. I love your smile, and no matter how much you disagree, you really are adorable.

6. You may not always know how to respond to something, but you always respond, so I know that you're still there.

7. You are a good singer. Your voice is calming and easy to listen too.

8. No matter what you see about yourself as a flaw, you can always see the good things about people.

9. You put others before yourself no matter what it does to you, you just genuinely care about other people.

10. You've managed to survive, yeah it gets rough sometimes. But guess what? You've made it.

11. Nicknames. You're just really good at using nicknames, which is honestly a skill.

12. Common interests! We have quite a few, which honestly I find amazing.

13. You deal with me no matter what stupid crap I do, and I admire you for that.

14. You're accepting, you've never judged me, and I appreciate that.

15. You always know how to calm me down. A skill I both admire and adore about you.

16. You put effort into everything you do.

17. You are always willing to fight people with love.

18. You mean what you say, as far as I can tell. Honesty is good.

19. You've always been nice, which is why I got along with you so easily in the beginning, there's so much more now.

20. You have the ability to easily make friends. I mean, so many people on here love and adore you, including me.

21. You've always been there for me when I've needed it.

22. Your personality is amazing, you're sweet and loyal and I love it.

23. Your smile. Its adorable and I wish I could see it more.

(Credit to @thelonelycreature for the next ones)

24. SMOL SOFT CHILD!

25. SUPPORTIVE!

(Credits to @ihavenoclueanymore for these ones)

26. They are smart

27. They are themselves and unique (which is a good thing because they aren't fake! Which happens a lot)

28. They are very into musicals

29. They are are very easy to fluster and make blush

30. They have great writing

31. They are super adorable no matter how much they think they aren't

32. They have a very great dream and is good at musicals (and singing)

33. We have a bunch of stuff in common (we will probably find more as we get to know each other better!)

34. They have a cute smile

35. They are very cool person who deserves lots of love

36. They are an amazing arospec and enby who cares for others and isn't mean.

TOP 10 REASONS @nonbinaryroyaltylove LOVES LO!!!

(37) Reason #1: Lo is the most caring person on this planet and will listen to me rant my little heart out about something that they don’t even know about but they will make an effort to understand it anyway.

(38) Reason#2: Lo makes me smile whenever im down and they always know the right thing to say when im angry or sad.

(39) Reason #3: Lo is so so so so so so so so smart, they always come up with little jokes on the spot or things in their stories that i love.

Reason#4: speaking of Lo’s stories, don’t even get me started!!! Weather it’s late at night or early morning or anytime, I love reading their one shots and all their stories. They are so creative with their content and they are so friendly to their followers. (No wonder everyone wants to be their friend)

(40) Reason #5 Lo is really good at listening and when i say really good i mean REALLY GOOD. When I feel really down i know that they will always be there with a virtual hug and some yeeted love in my direction. The best part is, even if your an anon and they don’t know you they will still give you all the love in the world.

(41) Reason #6: you can count on Lo to never tell anyone your secrets and insecurities. Lo knows a lot of things in my life and only one other person i know knows as much about me as they do. If you tell Lo something they will take it to their grave.

(42) Reason #7: they deal with all the sap juice that we all give each other everyday and even through the shitty times they help others and honestly they handle the sap so well and its great.

(43) Reason #8 Lo is really good at just being a friend no matter what you need they will provide it. If you need love they will yeet it at your face and if you ask for space they will respect it, they are very patient always.

(44) Reason #10: lastly is that Lo will make sure you are ok. I was recently in a very dark place and Lo helped take me off the edge I was standing on. Lo will rant to you and make sure you eat and sleep even if it means sacrificing their own. (Which we will all rant back to them that they need)

(45) Reason #11 Lo is the actual fucking imbodyment of a hufflepuff!!!!!!!!! That in its self should be reason enough to love them

(Credits to @lovelylogicality for these)

(46) 1. They inspire me to write, and actually help me feel proud of my work

(47) 2. They make me feel important, like something really special instead of just boring.

(48) 3. Lo makes me feel better about myself (especially my weird eyes)

(49) 4. They’re kind and sweet and always try to make me feel better.

(50) 5. Always there with encouragement

(51) 6. Lo writes amazing little fics and I always love seeing their stunning work on my dashboard

(52) 7. THEYRE JUST AS SAPPY AS US

(Credits to me, again, for these)

53. You always know how to make me smile, whether its intentional or not.

54. Honestly, I smile anytime I see something that reminds me of you.

(Credits to @ihavenoclueanymore , again)

(55) 1. calls everyone a sap even tho we are all just telling truths

(56) 2. knows (with me telling) just what pet names to use to make me heart completely melt and my brain short circuit

(57) 3. very loveable human!

(58) 4. prefers to read the book (best type of human)

(59) 5. is poly! (Us polys need to stand together!)

(60) 6. makes nonhuman noises when flustered (need to hear these)

(61) 7. is very precious baby (in a non weird way)

(62) 8. very kind to everyone!

(63) 9. introvert (we also have this in common and need to stan together!)

(64) 10. favorite side is virgil (best side besides patton)

(65) 11. is legit the only human I've seen use greetings and salutations and it's awesome

(Credits to @lovesupportandcookies for these)

(66) 1. Heccin adorable

(67) 2. Does their best to be nice even in hardship

(68) 3. Incredibly sweet in general (all the sap)

(69) 4. Oh! And very trustworthy!

(Credits, again, to @nonbinaryroyaltylove )

(70) Reason #12: when Lo send out ask requests on their blog they actually do them and answer everything with the upmost importance. Lo puts their people before everything and will take time out of their precious day to care for them. Weather it be answering a simple and silly ask or responding to a more personal problem and he treats them all with importance.

(71) Reason #13: Lo is so accepting, you could tell them anything and no matter how messed up or strange you might think it is, they will embrace it and love you for you, which in my book makes them of the best people I have met.

(72) Reason #14: They know musical theater just like any lord should, you can talk to them about any and all musical theater and on the rare occasion that they dont know what it is they will make an effort to listen to and/or watch it so they talk about it with you.

(73) Reason #15 Lo is the most adorable lord you will ever see on earth, their smile is infectious and whenever they look at you, or if they are online, text they have the ability to make you feel safe and its like they are giving you a huge hug in a blanket of safety and trust. So yeah Lo will instantly make you feel safe and loved whenever they talk to you.

(Credits to @marshmallowmischief for this one)

(74) they're so valid in everything they do

(Credits to me for this last one)

(75) You give the absolute best virtual hugs.

Lo, this is for you. We thought you could use some love, so I asked some people to help and we put this together. Sorry it's a bit of a mess, but it's made with love

Overall credits to:

Me

@thelonelycreature

@marshmallowmischief

@lovesupportandcookies

@ihavenoclueanymore

@nonbinaryroyaltylove

@lovelylogicality

[huhnerhexen]

all for the other ask set!

I just took my painkillers, so I'm really high and I'm sorry if this makes no sense, I'm trying my best...

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

- yes, but they're not the most important thing. I can look past appearance, but if you're ugly on the inside it'll never work

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

- theyre worth it every time! Even if they fail, you learn a lot about yourself and they change you for the better

3. Are you a virgin?

- no

4. Are you in a relationship?

- no, my partner of about three years and I broke up a month ago

5. Are you in love?

- I'm in love with myself, which is more than I can say when I was in that relationship

6. Are you single this year?

- yes

7. Can you commit to one person?

- yes; I'm like a penguin... I mate for life

8. Describe your crush

- that's easy, I don't have one

9. Describe your perfect mate

- soft and sweet, generous, respectful of my boundaries, openly communicative, like my grandpa!

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

- no

11. Do you ever want to get married?

- yes

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

- in time and with an apology, of course

13. Do you get jealous easily?

- I used to, but I've done a lot of work since then and I don't anymore

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

- other than myself? no

15. Do you have any piercings?

- I have a nose ring, my septum pierced, 3 earrings in my right ear, and two in my left

16. Do you have any tattoos?

- 11; a bumble bee, a cat drinking wine, my rat's footprint, my grandma's signature, a sloth, the pisces constellation, the aurora borealis constellation, squirrel nutkin, my grandpa's signature, Snufkin and Moomin, and a lavender sprig

17. Do you like kissing in public?

- a quick peck doesn't bother me, but keep your tongue in your own mouth

There is no 18 or 19 in this series of questions??

20. Do you shower everyday?

- I've been bathing more than showering lately, but I do wash everyday

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

- I don't, but that's none of my business anyways

22. Do you think someone is thinking of you right now?

- no, I don't think so

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

- obviously, I did that for 3 years. I don't cheat, it's wrong and it fucks people up

24. Do you think you'll be married in five years?

- maybe? I haven't given it much thought tbh

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

- no

26. Has anyone told you they don't want to ever lose you?

- yes, and then they did

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

- no

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

- not that I am aware of

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

- no, I would never

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

- I've had plastic surgery twice; once in the ninth grade to fix me jaw, and two days ago I had top surgery

31. Have you ever cried over a guy or girl?

- yes, and what a waste of time that was

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

- no

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

- yes

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

- no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

-yes

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

- yes

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

- yes

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn't expect to?

- yes

39. Have you ever waved someone you couldn't have?

- yes

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

- yes

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

- yes

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

- depends on the person, but awhile, I really like kissing

43. How long was your longest relationship?

- almost 3 years

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

- I've had 6 partners

45. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?

- I can say with 100% certainty that I have no idea; I can't even remember what I had for breakfast this morning

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

- I don't know, sex isn't something I count

47. How old are you?

- 21

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

- I'd ask them why, people love to talk about their crushes, I'd also encourage them to go after it. Just because I like someone doesn't make them mine

49. If you have a partner, what is your favourite thing about them?

- I don't have a partner

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with am apology and presents, would you accept?

- no, not yet. I'm not at a place to forgive Kai yet. I'm still working through and breaking down what they did to me

51. Is there someone you would do absolutely anything for?

- yea, my grandma

52. Is there anyone you've given up on? Why?

- I gave up on my dad's dad, Lane; he's just a genuinely awful guy and every time I've tried to extend an olive branch it's come back to bite me in the ass. He can be angry and miserable alone, I don't have room for that shit in my life.

53. Is there someone mad because you're seeing/talking to the person that you are?

- no, the people in my life are incredibly supportive of me in all my endeavors and decisions

54. Is there something you will never forget?

- what a classmate and friend wrote to my mom once when she was compiling a big note full of all the reasons people care about me. "There's nothing they could ever do that would be bad". Those words have been etched onto my heart for 6 years

55. Share a relationship story

- I'll tell you about my grandparents, and how they were made for each other. My grandpa worked for CBC and so did my grandma, but they worked in separate buildings, and one night my grandma's friend says "Elaine, come out for drinks with me and some of the guys" and my grandma really doesn't want to, but she's a polite lady so she does anyways. She winds up sitting next to my grandpa, and they don't say much to each other but his friends keep bugging him and making jokes about how he needs to "get home to his wife" (he isn't married, but he fancies my grandma and his friends are just trying to make him work harder for her). They wind up leaving at the same time, and they walk home together because they lived a couple buildings away from one another. My grandpa assures my grandma that he isn't married, he tells her he's going home to Red Jacket, Saskatchewan for Christmas, but could he give her a call when he comes home? She says yes; and a year later they were married. They've been madly in love with each other ever since.

56. State 8 facts about your body.

- I have 8 less teeth than the average adult; my eyes are two different shapes; when I learned to walk it was with a slight limp so now I always have one; when my body is really low on estrogen I get incredibly clumsy; I have 2 holes in my jaw from where a surgical plate was removed; I'm deathly allergic to peanuts; my limbs are so long, my fingertips almost reach down to my knees; I have a small groove in my head from wearing headgear when I was a child.

57. Things you want to say to an ex

- you always went on and on about how I deserved better, and you're wrong. It's not that I deserved better, you just didn't deserve me.

I have so much pity for you, because you have to live the rest of your life knowing what Ostin did to your mom, you did much the same to me. You acted the same as the man who makes you so sick. You're disgusting for what you did, and I hope you regret it everyday of your life.

58. What are 5 ways to win your heart?

- listen openly to me, tell me things that happened to you during your day, sending me songs or poems or little trinkets that remind you of me, laugh at my jokes, vocalize your feelings about me

59. What do you look like?

This is me and my roommate's cat, Anaan!

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

- two years, he was 15 I was 17 and as soon as I learned how smol he was I couldn't get past it...

61. What's the first thing you notice in someone?

- their mouth, I lip-read so someone's lips and teeth is the first thing my eyes go to

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do to/for you?

- oh gee I don't even know? Maybe take off my clothes for me, but like really slowly?

63. What is your definition of "having sex"?

- anything that gets the job done, y'know? wets the whistle

64. What is your definition of cheating?

- being physically intimate with a party outside of the pre-established exclusive relationship

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

- tease me until I want to kill you, and then fuck me until I can't remember my own name

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

- I don't have one. I did improv in highschool and doing any sort of "acting on the spot" makes me astral project back to that cringey time

67. What is your idea of a perfect date?

- one where it doesn't matter what you're doing, you never want it to end because you can never have enough time with the person you're with

68. What is your sexual orientation?

- queer!

69. What turns you off?

- people who are mean to animals

70. What turns you on?

- climate justice

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

- that will stay between me and the lord, thanks

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

- none, if you can form words or sentences, one of us isn't doing our job right

73. What's something sweet you'd like someone to do for you?

- bring me flowers! No one has ever brought me flowers before

74. What's the most superficial characteristic you look for?

- probably wardrobe

75. What's the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you?

- my sister moved in with me to take care of me while I recover from my mastectomy. I didn't even have to ask, she offered to do it

76. What's the sweetest thing you've done for someone?

My roommate and I had mice and squirrels living in the basement of our old house, and they ate and destroyed all of her old baby books and photo albums; so this year for Christmas I took all the pictures I had of us, and a bunch of pictures she had posted on her social media, and I made her a new photo book to preserve the memories she made these last few years.

77. What's your opinion on age differences in relationships?

- the older you get, the less age difference really matters, my roommate is 41 and her partner is turning 61 this year. I think so long as both parties are of legal age and consenting, do what you want. That being said, it gets iffy if the older party knew the younger person when they were a child; ie. Leonardo DiCaprio and his most recent girlfriend.

78. What's your dirtiest secret?

- I don't have one? I'm literally an open book... You can ask me anything

79. When was the last time you felt jealous?

- when an 8 year old girl came into the shop and told me her grandpa was taking her shopping for her birthday.

80. When was the last time you told someone that you loved them?

- on Wednesday, when I was saying goodbye to my grandma at the hospital (that sounds like a downer, she's fine, she had a knee operation and I went to visit her after work)

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

- LP, Ezra Miller, Joji, my ex boyfriend (they're mad cute, but they're ugly on the inside), Chris Fleming

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

- my mom, after she drove me home from the hospital and helped me get inside

83. Who was your first kiss with?

- a boy named Rhys, in the ninth grade. We were each other's beards before we even knew it

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

- a lot of different reasons; we kept fighting, they had no time for me, they wouldn't communicate with me, I had trouble trusting them, they sexually assaulted me and were hella manipulative, they forgot I existed a lot, there were a lot of red flags that we ignored until it blew up in our faces.

85. Would you ever date someone off of the internet?

- sure, I don't see why not!

Thanks for asking! Sorry it took so long to answer, I had to stop and nap a few times in between questions...

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT Rewatch 4X13 - Unforgiven

Will this be the QUEEN-tesentail episode of the series or not?

Shut up! That was funny!

In any event, you can find my thoughts below the cut!

Main Takeaways

Past

I feel like this episode should’ve had more featured about bad things that the Queens of Darkness, namely Ursula and Cruella have done in the past. Snow and David are about as untrusting of them as they ever were to Regina (Snow literally says “they’re almost worse than Regina”), but the audience, even upon seeing this episode for the second time, don’t have a ton of context because so few of their misdeeds are depicted. While one can assume that more was known about Maleficent from her conflicts with Briar Rose and Aurora, Cruella (Whose misdeeds were done mostly in another realm) and Ursula don’t have that benefit. Even within the confines of this episode, it’s Maleficent who kills the guards and while our other queens agree with the decision, they play no direct part in it. It’s just “ooh badness -- how evil!” I feel like even a reference to past deeds would’ve done so much (Ex. “You destroyed the docks.” or “You had a set of beavers tear apart their dam and flood a town.”). This by no means destroys the flashback in my eyes, but it does fail when later episodes don’t provide a ton of villainy (Or any in Ursula’s case) to either woman.

“No.” Never has a singular word pissed me off so much. This singular word said to Maleficent as she begs to work together as mothers is DISGUSTING. Snow places her piety above her child as well as Mal’s and it is ABHORRENT. Jeez, even before the reveal of what happened, Snow was already coming off as so vile from this moment.

Present

It’s very interesting rewatching this episode with the full knowledge of what Snow and David did to Maleficent. It’s frustrating because Snow tries to stop Mal’s first reaction to seeing them, but because of the need for a twist in this episode, she’s not able to give her an actual apology like I’m pretty sure Snow would have under other circumstances.

”They remind of a time in my life I’d rather forget, time when I was a true villain.” I LOVE this line. I think a line like this is one of Regina’s best in regards to a reflection on her own past. She’s not falsely playing a victim, but shows that she wants to forget this time in her life because it was a time period where she did horrible things. This is a self aware Regina, not pitying herself but still trying to move on. It’s sympathetic enough as a line while not ignoring how bad Regina was. It doesn’t blame anyone for remembering these things -- Regina’s angry at being embarrassed in front of Henry.

I liked Emma and Killian’s conflict in this episode. Like with the Regina line that I mentioned earlier, it’s a good reflection on Killian’s shame over his past villainy and shows a large amount of self awareness. Killian is definitely framed as in the wrong for lying -- as he should -- and the conversations throughout this episode effectively show facets of his and Emma’s characters. Killian is someone who despite his quips and praise over his appearance and abilities does experience self loathing and Emma understands this and wants to help, provided he be honest with her. She doesn’t need the whole truth per-se, accepting his desire for the matter to stay private, but wants him to at least be truthful about that desire and not hide behind denial. And once he apologizes and tells her basically that, she’s supportive of him and assures him. I will say that I wish that at least some suggestion from Emma that Killian confront how he wronged Ursula with her was thrown out in the conversation (Ex. “And you can come back from it”), but it does make Killian’s decision to do it on his own a few episodes later much stronger for his character.

I find it interesting how Snow and David’s lie about their change in morality ends up having a positive effect for Emma. I don’t think it undercuts the truth of the moral, as it does accurately fit Emma and Killian’s dynamic at its conclusion in this episode (And that theme resonates especially well with Emma), but it is weird how it originates from a lie. That having been said, within the confines of the lie, to give no consequences at all to people who stole from a store is kind of...well, dumb, but given that it’s Storybrooke and there are bigger matters to worry about, it’s fine.

“Because they’re villains and we’re heroes.” While I HATED the interpretation of Snow’s possession in “Bleeding Through,” I did like how it was clear about how this black-and-white morality between heroes and villains was utter BS. Because of that, I find it really annoying to see this line. While I know that it’s a lie, the fact that it goes straight-up believed and unchallenged by Emma and Killian (Especially Killian, the more I think about it) makes it feel like no one learned that. And I know it’s a theme of the series, but by now, the lessons been learned a few times over so a line like that going unchallenged is really out of place.

Stream of Consciousness

-Wow! Neal sleeps in the kitchen! These guys REALLY need more space!

-Awww! I love how David is sitting on the steps right by Neal so he can simultaneously protect Emma!

-”Hello, mum.” This is Will Scarlet’s best line. Granny is everyone’s mum!

-Day-um, son! Regina’s getting one hell of a brag up (Because for them, it’s not a takedown) from Cruella and Ursula! XD

-”Chocolate frosted donuts.” I feel like if Regina wasn’t about to deal with the two Queens, she’d be lecturing Henry about not eating like crap. XD

-”I’ve been dying for a grilled cheese all day.” I appreciate that Emma has a legit appetite, especially for someone who runs around town all day!

-I love how word travels so fucking quickly in Storybrooke. What must their text chains look like?! XD

-So, you have to wonder where Mal went while she was “dead.” Thoughts? If she was in the Underworld, i bet Hades pitched a fit so big that Liam was roasting marshmallows from his bar when it happened.

-”You’re getting crumbs all over the book.” Not to be a nitpicker, but a donut with that consistency would not have crumbs! XD

-”If only your wits matched your looks.” Looks like James/Cruella had a bit of foreshadowing! XD

-Cruella’s remarks still crack me up!

-Wait, the station has security footage from Gold’s? Like, I like that that exists because it’s GOLD, but it’s just surprising is all! When was this installed?

-You guys really think two villains will just leave town with your secret after being screwed over and not reveal that secret out of pure spite?! I would PAY to see an alternate cut of this scene with Regina there to point that out with a sassy one-liner.

-I have to wonder what would’ve happened had Snow and David admitted their lie to Emma earlier. Thoughts?

-Can you imagine the Queens of Darkness sleeping in those crazy costumes?! XD

-I really like the set of the Tree of Knowledge and wish we saw it again! It’s really cool!

-Ummmm, Snow, David, shouldn’t you be concerned with why Mal’s ashes are in a convenient little pile?

-Damn, Marco’s got jokes! XD

-”I’d say she’s moved on.” I LOVE how the villains, despite working together, are still underhanded in shit like this! XD

-”You’re positively radiant, my dear.” Was I the only one thinking that Snow was wondering if Mal was hitting on her? XD

-Damn, even finding out about her pregnancy sucked for Snow! I feel really bad for her!

-Mal, if you want to torture Snow and David, why wouldn’t you reveal their secret before they have the chance to? That way, their family and the town at large would trust them less, isolating them and making your further revenge easier.

-Snow and David are so freakin’ awkward! XD

-Robert Carlyle’s acting as he sees Belle and Will Scarlet kiss was fantastic! Look at how he looks like he’s about to cry and how he basically crawls into the darkness because of how torn up he is. That is AMAZING!

-Mal rattling her little rattle breaks my fucking heart!

Favorite Dynamic

Regina and Marco. This really comes down to a singular, effective line: “After ruining everyone else’s happy ending, what makes you think you deserve one of your own?” I am so happy this line and the ensuing conversation was put in. One aspect of Regina’s redemption that I take issue with is that Regina’s smaller victims are often denied a chance to voice their oppositions to said redemption. While Snow and David do get chances to voice their frustrations, smaller victims like Leroy, Granny, Ruby, and Marco don’t get that chance beyond the occasional quip. Because of that, a moment like this really means something. And I like that while the camera pans to show Regina’s reaction to this, it doesn’t linger on her, showing that this isn’t a sympathetic moment for Regina. I also found Regina’s apology to be pretty decent. While I wish it had less excuses within it and Marco was a little too easy to forgive, it did feel authentic to Regina’s character as well as genuine.

Writer

Andrew Chambliss and Kalinda Vazquez are large and in charge today! I don’t have a ton to say. Apart from a few issues that I mentioned above, I feel like they did a decent job here. The story just needed a… ONCE OVER (AND OMG I’M THE ONCE OVER THINKER! I THINK ON WHAT THEY SHOULD’VE DONE A ONCE OVER ON! XD )! The stories are appropriately framed, tell themselves well enough, and setup the future conflicts decently.

Rating

8/10.

-----

Sorry for how late this one came out, but thank you for reading!!!

Shoutouts also to @watchingfairytales and @daensarah! See you all next time!

Season 4 Total (113/230)

Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (34/60) Jane Espenson: (20/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (30/50) Andrew Chambliss: (22/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30) Kalinda Vazquez: (22/40) Scott Nimerfro: (14/30) Tze Chun (8/20)

Operation Rewatch Archives

[kinohui]

99 things i love about kino

yes this is exactly what it looks like. let’s go

1. this goes without saying but he is incredibly talented

2. he’s probably one of the best dancers i’ve seen in kpop especially at his age

3. he even choreographed a bunch of their songs including part of their debut song gorilla and this beautiful choreography to hui’s song you are

4. his singing ???? he literally has the voice of an angel it’s so smooth and nice it could lull me to sleep every single night

5. and he self produces too!!!!!

6. he wrote and produced some of my favourite pentagon songs like violet and off-road

7. as well as some amazing solo songs he released on his soundcloud (you should seriously check out his soundcloud)

8. the music video for lonely

9. he has such a bright personality and will make everyone’s day a little better

10. for real he is such a sunshine and he’s so loving with his members 

11. and his laugh !!!!!!!!!! you will always find him laughing at everything even when no one else is and it’s so fcking cute

12. like when he full on failed the try not to react challenge

13. and the way he covers his mouth and grabs onto everyone around him when he laughs really hard ;-;

14. basically if scientists ever find a cure for cancer they’ll find it in hyunggu’s laugh

15. he is really kind

16. he’s also really good at english (here’s a little compilation for u)

17. and always tries to speak as much english as he can in english broadcasts like asc or soompi and it’s just adorable

18. like when he said he shares a room with shinwon and ‘’i’ve never seen him clean his clothes himself’’

19. he’s super ticklish !!! and shinwon has called him a pervert because of it lmao (x, x, x)

20. he can play the piano 

21. and the guitar !!

22. really he’s such a multitalent there’s like nothing he can’t do and i really don’t know where he finds the time to do all of those things

23. he is always so kind with his fans and his members and staff

24. this kid is super smart:

25. first of all he was admitted into an arts high school as the no. 1 (NO. 1 !!!!!) candidate

26. was also a student commitee member lmao

27. attended hanlim multi arts school together with yugyeom from got7 and their friendship is super cute (x)

28. after high school he was accepted into sejong university as a practical dance major without even having to take the entrance exam bruh

29. also attended a lot of dance workshops

30. really his passion for dance is admirable

31. he’s also really street smart. like

32. he will look at a situation and try to understand it and is able to solve problems super quick

33. he’ll come up with unique approaches to a problem and solutions that no one else in his group thought of

34. i’m not joking when i say this boy probably has an IQ of 150 like I GENUINELY BELIEVE THAT

35. he’s a super logical thinker

36. which also makes him super good at games (x, x)

37. like when they played the bunny bunny game and kino outsmarted everyone and almost made yanan cry lmao

38. and he will take those games serious and try to do his absolute best

39. but also doesn’t take it TOO seriously

40. because if things don’t go his way or he loses he is never mad

41. for real this boy is blessed with so much patience

42. he puts up with his member’s teasing with a smile

43. and they tease him A LOT

44. like never before have i seen this boy snap at anyone

45. also super soft and emotional bub

46. loves his mom a lot

47. like a lot

48. cried when the members showed him a video message from her

49. also cried when they asked him to give a message to her in a broadcast before she went on a business trip

50. he can impersonate spongebob?

51. mr. krabs too lmao

52. always puts his all into everything that he does

53. like for real he is COMPLETELY in the zone, no matter what he’s doing, dancing, singing, playing games ??

54. you can see how his facial expression changes when he starts dancing and it always matches the song perfectly

55. he can convey so much emotion through his dancing

56. superb taste in fashion just saying

57. also has a really nice and special taste in music imo

58. like he listens to a lot of underground artists on soundcloud

59. and i love that he reposts so much stuff on there so you can listen to all the music he likes and i think that can be such an intimate thing to share

60. and you can tell how the music he listens to influences his own music

61. also the vlives where he tries to explain their choreographies and teach them to you

62. or the ones where he sits in his studio and plays you some of his songs

63. this video where he asked jinho to sing for him for inspiration and he sat there listening to his voice with his eyes closed and a smile on his face, really taking in the song

64. + his super cute smile at the end ;-;

65. he’s super thankful for their fans and always makes sure to say that

66. this shine fancam

67. seriously does he never run out of energy ???? just look at him

68. king of duality

69. like on one hand he’s super cute and innocent but. don’t be deceived

70. his sexy side isn’t for the faint hearted

71. exhibt A

72. exhibit B (yeah he really went and wrote that song)

73. i swear this boy is lowkey a freak

74. vaseline ????

75. this part in one of his vlives that actually had me sobbing

76. he just has such a positive outlook on life and it makes me really happy

77. like he always manages to focus on all the positive things in life and doesn’t let the negative things weigh him down and i find that really admirable

78. i actually really look up to him and his passion for life

79. he’s also a great cook, get you a man

80. ‘’i think i can get married’’

81. the meaning behind his stage name --> kinnovation

82. the time he had bright pink/red hair???? holy shit

83. that part in the shine mv where he harmonizes with jinho and they’re being super cute

84. speaking of shine, the cute goggles he wears uwu

85. when he ate a churro with chopsticks lmao this will never not be the cutest thing ever to me

86. also tried to feed said churro to the fans through the camera with the chopsticks

87. just a big lovable dork

88. if you wanna cleanse your soul of all evil watch his ‘’with you’’ cover with jinho

89. doesn’t mind skinship at all. will gladly cuddle all of his members

90. does girl groups dances better than the actual girl groups tbh

91. KINO WITH A BUNCH OF LITTLE KIDS

92. king of twerking

93. like he really twerked at hyuna’s birthday party

94. his favourite sentence is ‘’i love you’’ lmao stab me in the heart please. :)

95. takes the cutest selfies

96. ‘’im sensitive’’

97. when hongseok said he wants to go swimming with the members and kino was like ‘’all naked together?’’ this boy istg

98. destroyed everyone in limbo

99. in conclusion this sunshine is doing the absolute most and he deserves so so much love so please give it to him !!

[exxar1]

Episode 1: A New Beginning

9/23/2020

2020 has been, to put it mildly, an eventful year thus far. A global pandemic, social and civil unrest, and a national election in 6 weeks. America has been thrust into a crucible, and, if you’re like me, you’ve stood at your front door, staring out at the world with a mixture of astonishment, befuddlement, anxiety, and, at times, quiet fear. Every morning has brought news headlines worse than the day before. Since mid-March, it has felt to most of us as if the entire world was flipped upside down and turned inside out. Where daily life was once an ordinary, comfortable routine, it has now taken on the feeling of a long, terrifying roller coaster ride: lengthy, nervous pauses followed by heart-stopping, terror-filled drops, and we never know at each sundown what the next sunrise will bring.

For me, personally, the last six months have been all of that – and more. No, thank God, I did not lose my job. Ever since moving to Las Vegas in 2012, I have had a successful career at a payday loan company. For the last eight years I have done well for myself, attaining the rank of assistant manager and making more than enough money to not only meet my needs but also put some away for the future. I’m still single with no children to support, so I have always been a workaholic; not so much that I burn myself out and have no social life, but neither do I believe in stopping at just 40 hours a week when I’m still young and capable enough to go for at least 60 or 65 on a good week. The last 8 years have been incredibly rewarding for me, and I’ve been very happy with my decision to relocate to Las Vegas.

But then, in mid-March of this year, my luxurious comfort zone was abruptly – suddenly – shattered. The Nevada governor declared a statewide shutdown of all non-essential businesses and a forced quarantine of non-essential workers. My job remained intact due to our status as a financial services company, but because all the casinos, restaurants, and most of the other businesses on the Las Vegas strip were abruptly shut down, most of my job’s customer base was suddenly unemployed. As a result, our company had to adjust accordingly. We have 26 stores in Las Vegas and Henderson, four of them operating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. One of the reasons I was making so much money was because I could pick up overtime shifts at other stores. As soon as the statewide shutdown and quarantine went into effect, our company was forced to cut back store hours, lay off some employees, and cancel all overtime. Other perks such as quarterly bonuses were also canceled along with annual raises. All of this caused a sudden and immediate drop in my monthly income that I was not ready for.

Something you should know about me is that I am a type “A” personality. That means that I prefer schedules, planning, and as much preparation as possible for anything and everything. I live my life by a clock and lists. There’s no such thing as spontaneity or lollygagging. We workaholics believe time is money, and even on our days off we never really relax. We’re using that precious little free time to get the household chores done and prepare for the busy week ahead. Even when I watch TV I’m multitasking – usually doing the crossword or playing a game on my phone or Nintendo Switch. Type “A” people need to know exactly what’s coming and we usually plan not just for tomorrow or the week ahead or even the month ahead. We plan for at least 3 months ahead, and we freak out if anything unexpected pops up to ruin our best laid plans.

Now, of course, we all know that daily life is full of little surprises and upsets. But, if we’ve planned and prepped well, then we’re not entirely thrown out of whack by life’s minor emergencies. Flat tire on the expressway? No problem. We have great auto insurance, and there’s plenty in savings to cover a new tire and time lost in wages for missing that day’s work. Wake up with my throat feeling a little scratchy and nose stuffed? No problem! Grab that emergency bag of tea bags and cough drops from the bathroom medicine cabinet on my way out the door to work. Type “A” folks are what keep the world running smooth and on time. We’d control the timing of the sunrise and sunset if it were possible.

So, you can see why the economic shutdown of 2020 threw a massive and wholly detestable wrench into my comfortable, orderly life. I say this with a dryly humorous tone, but it was no joke. I had to scramble to rearrange my finances, but my monthly bills depended on a specific amount to make all ends meet, and I was suddenly going to be very short. The future, which had once seemed so bright and certain, was now dark and unknown, and I could no longer plan for even one week ahead, let alone three months. Yes, there was some relief in the form of the economic impact payments from the government as well as a one-time withdrawal allowed by my 401K. But always, in the back of my mind, there was the nagging worry about what would come after that extra money ran out. If the statewide shutdown wasn’t lifted, if my job didn’t allow me to work overtime, and if I hadn’t found a second job by then, what would I do? This is where it began to feel as if I was on a roller coaster. There were days when I felt good, when I forced myself to not worry about the future and live in the present, and I focused on my work. And, because I had so much free time now that I was working only 35 or 38 hours a week, I used the opportunity to catch up on my reading list as well as my writing. (I also watched more TV and movies in two months than I had in my entire life to that point.)

But then there were sleepless nights where all I could do was toss and turn and worry. April dragged into May, May slowly turned into June, and the news headlines just got worse and worse. George Floyd was killed by police in Minneapolis in late May, and suddenly the nation was erupting with violent and frightening civil unrest. Portland, Chicago, Seattle, New York – and even Las Vegas – saw marches, protests, demonstrations, and none of them were peaceful. Social media was flooded with black squares and “Black Lives Matter” posts, and now we didn’t have just a global pandemic to worry about. For me, personally, it wasn’t my own financial future that had suddenly become uncertain. The future of the nation which I have called home for my whole life was unexpectedly called into question.

Life had turned upside down and inside out. My own anxiety and worry multiplied with each passing day, and I did my best to distract myself with writing, reading, binging old TV, and a brief vacation back home to Idaho. But always, in the darkest hour of the night, in the back of my mind all during the day, there was that steady, drumming fear: how much worse could things get? How much longer could we endure all of this? What in the world would happen next? I began to suffer periods of genuine depression. It took everything I had to force a smile on my face and pretend at work that everything was fine. Inside, I was falling apart.

In the first week of July I landed a second job at Walmart. My financial future suddenly became a lot more certain, and there was some genuine relief in that. But the violence, the unrest, and politics of the world around me continued to be a major source of worry and anxiety. It wasn’t just my daily life – job, home, friends, local government – that needed to be orderly, calm and predictable. I needed the world at large to also be certain, ordered and organized. I needed to know that my basic freedoms that I had taken for granted my entire life were not going to suddenly disappear. In just a span of a few weeks, the American dream that I had been living for 42 years was rapidly disappearing in a rising tide of ideological dogma that was gaining a foothold in every American institution with alarming speed. For the first time in my life I was witnessing the stuff that I had only read about in sci-fi novels such as 1984. All I could think was, What if the democrats win this election? What if the police really are defunded? Could America really devolve into a true socialist state? What if the worst-case scenario really happens?

And that is what finally brought me to what I can only describe is a mid-life spiritual crisis. I throw the word “spiritual” in there for good reason. I’m an atheist, you see. I was raised in the Baptist church, but I walked away from the church and all religion in my senior year of high school because I couldn’t reconcile the fact that I’m gay with what the Bible teaches about that particularly heinous sin. The only way I could live a successful, happy life was to be myself. I have always been out and proud, and I had no room for any religion that would call me a sinner and claim that my soul was damned because of my lifestyle “choice”. (More detail on this in a later post.) I’ve been on my own for 23 years now, and I’ve been just fine. I decided a long time ago that God doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of man’s overactive imagination, a crutch for those too weak to face life on their own. I have never needed such a crutch, and, until this year, I was doing just dandy living my own life and my truth.

My job at Walmart is to stand outside the front entrance and, per the new health mandates from the state governor, ensure that everyone entering the store is wearing their mask. Those who aren’t and who don’t have a valid reason for not wearing one – such as a medical exclusion – cannot go in. This means that I’m paid $11/hour to do basically nothing. I stand outside by myself, greeting the customers, and doing a LOT of thinking. For the last few weeks I have thought about everything happening just beyond my front doorstep. I’ve thought about the future of my nation, as well as the future of my own soul. I have silently questioned all of the beliefs and convictions that were once so certain. I have wrestled with my ego and my intellect, confused and angry with the fact that I was so certain of many things in my youth, yet now I am so unsure and afraid. My parents say that God is in control. Yet I see no evidence that God – or anyone – is in control. The world has lost its collective mind, and America, in particular, is on a fast track to chaos and anarchy. IF God really is out there, why is he allowing any of this to go on?

One of the fundamental changes that occurred as a result of this soul-searching was my decision to switch political parties. For the last 20 years or so I have been a staunch democrat. I have had no use for the conservative views of the republican party. I’m gay, after all, and I proudly supported all the progressive movements over the last two decades that eventually culminated in 2015 with the nationwide legalization of gay marriage. I also believed that no one other than the police, the military and government agents needed to own a gun. I was also pro-choice. But I have never been much interested in politics. Until 2012 I had never even voted. My reasoning for this was a combination of laziness and apathy. No matter which political party won the election, my life never changed. The world went on every day as it always had since before I was born, and besides, thanks to the electoral college, the majority vote doesn’t always mean a win. Therefore, I reasoned, my one vote didn’t really matter unless I was in a swing state. And since Nevada is a blue state, and since I was a democrat, I knew which candidate would get my state’s vote every time, no matter what. (The only reason I voted in the 2012 national election was because I wanted Obama to have a second term just to piss off my conservative family and friends; and I was bored that afternoon after work.)

But then, in the wake of George Floyd’s death in late May, as the Black Lives Matter movement began a newly rapid ascension in almost every aspect and institution of American life, I began to do a lot of reading online during my lunch breaks and days off. Later, in July and August, as the national election campaigns kicked into full gear, I read even more news from both sides of the biases on the candidates, their views, and their platforms. In particular, I started subscribing to The Daily Wire and The Federalist. As time went on, as I read more and more opinions and news, and as I spent my days in front of Walmart in the Las Vegas heat, I started to ruminate on everything happening in the headlines as well as the ideological war going on behind the scenes in daily American life. I also began to wrestle with my own beliefs and convictions.

There was no specific time and day for my change of heart. I do know it was somewhere in late July that I decided I was no longer a democrat. I was going to vote all republican in November, and I was now a proud supporter of Donald Trump. But this was only the start of my mid-life spiritual crisis. I realized in early August that I wasn’t just a republican. All of my fear and anxieties about the civil unrest, the economic shutdowns due the pandemic, the war over whether or not mandated masks and social distancing were, in fact, the first step in many that would end with all Americans under a socialist dictatorship after November 3rd, the national debates about critical race theory and “white fragility”, the numbers of Americans on forced unemployment with no hope in the near future of any economic relief, the conflicting reports in the media surrounding everything to do with COVID-19 – all of it was just becoming too much to bear. It seemed that there was too much happening at once, every day, for me – or any of us ordinary citizens – to keep track of, let alone properly digest and analyze. By the end of the summer, as every state was debating whether or not to re-open public schools for the fall semester, it appeared to me as if everyone was close to their breaking point. My time spent every day in front of Walmart gave me plenty of firsthand evidence of just how frayed the nerves of all Americans had become. Everyone seemed on edge, yelling at one another because someone wasn’t wearing a mask, or someone else was wearing a “Trump 2020” t-shirt, or a black man cursing at the white store security officer, calling her a racist, because she was kicking him out for shoplifting. Tempers were short, nerves were frayed (including mine), and I – like so many others – started wondering: Just how bad things could really get?

In other words, it seemed to me as if the entire world around me had lost its fucking mind.

It was around the end of August that my worry finally turned into genuine fear. In the last few weeks, I have to come realize that America’s future as a democratic republic is not as sure as it’s been these last two centuries. My mind started to spin with all the “What if?” scenarios. What if Biden wins the election? What if the police force everywhere – not just cities like Portland, Minneapolis, Seattle and New York – really are defunded and scaled back? What if all the chaos caused by the unchecked rioting in those cities spreads to other cities and states? What if this pandemic doesn’t end soon? What if all this “white fragility”, “critical race theory”, and BLM nonsense actually gains traction in the worst possible place: the white house? What if? What if? What if? (Remember, I’m type “A” all the way!)

And now, the present; my reason for putting all this down on electronic paper. I came to a decision about a week ago that I was tired. No, scratch that. Fucking exhausted is more like it. I realized that, for the last six months, I have been trying to digest, analyze, categorize, rationalize, and compartmentalize everything that’s been happening around me so that I can sleep peacefully at night. I’ve been trying to make sense of all of this in order to calm myself and stop worrying. This has always worked before, but not this time. I realized that everything I had put my faith in for the last 23 years – my own reason and intellect, the ordered certainty of the world around me, the calm predictability of everyday life – had been wiped away in the span of six months. For the first time in my adult life, I felt truly helpless.

And that’s when I turned to the one thing that I had been ignoring for most of my life. For the last couple months, during my day shifts at Walmart, as I baked in the summer heat with no company other than my own thoughts, memories started to re-surface. Long forgotten memories, in fact. I began to wonder if maybe God really did, after all, exist. I remembered pieces of old sermons, fragments of Bible verses, lyrics from old songs of the Christian artists whose CDs I had long ago burned into iTunes. Some nights, as I drove home after finishing my late shift at my other job, physically and emotionally exhausted, I would pull up an old playlist on my phone and listen to Steven Curtis Chapman or Amy Grant or Michael W Smith. I have always enjoyed their music over the years as it reminds me of my youth and better times. Lately, however, it was reminding me of something else.

 As I finish writing this, September 23, 2020, I am sure of two things:

1.    I am saved. I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart in 1985 when I was 7 years old. I don’t remember exactly what time of day it was – or even the exact date – but I do remember it was after a SPARKS meeting. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that if I were to die this moment, I would be reunited in Heaven with both of my grandmothers, my grandfather, as well as others in my family who have passed on before. I believe that that prayer whispered by that seven-year-old boy those many years ago was genuine and heartfelt, and that it was uttered in sincere desire to have Jesus come into his heart. I have wandered far from grace in the decades since, but in just the last few days I have felt a peace and a calm deep in my soul that I have not felt for a very, very long time. God does not go back on His promises, and if we are sincere in our prayer for salvation, then I believe we are saved, no matter how far we might stray from Him afterwards.

2.    I am gay. This right here was the main issue that I have been grappling with for the last couple months. I will go into this more in another post, but, put simply, I had been taught for all of my youth that homosexuality is a sin. It is an abomination against God, and the Bible clearly condemns it in several different passages. But I know that I am made in the image of God, and I know that I was born this way. There is no doubt in my mind about this. I knew as early as sixth grade that I was different, and, later, in high school, I came to realize what exactly that difference was. I now believe that God created me this way, and that I can still serve Him and His will without converting my sexuality. I don’t yet know exactly how or why I believe that with such conviction, but I do. Part of this new journey will be to understand and reconcile this conviction through reading, prayer, and other research.

 My reason for creating this blog is twofold:

1.    I have felt a need for some time now to get all of my thoughts and feelings down in black and white. Just writing this post alone has helped me clear my head from what has been piling up in my brain for the last six months. The act of writing helps me organize, digest, and analyze exactly what it is I need to understand about all of this.

2.    And since I’m writing it all down, why not share it with the world? I know that I can’t be the only one who’s struggling to make sense of the world right now. Or, perhaps, there’s others out there, like me, who are trying to reconcile their belief in God with their sexual orientation? Or maybe they’re struggling with their own faith in some way in response to the chaos around us? Whatever the case, I want to be an inspiration for them, and I hope that this blog will help them in some way.

 I don’t know where this journey will take me. For now, I am just re-reading my Bible, starting at the beginning in Genesis. I have the love and support of my family, and, as with everything else in this fucked up year, I – and God – are going to take this one day at a time.

 Thank you for reading.

[bobbystompy]

My Top 75 Songs Of 2019

Previously: 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

First time going below 100 songs since 2015, and I cannot wait. Giving this extra juice already.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

This is usually the part where I put up a pump up video, but we are going with something a little different this year.

(It was stuck my head. Blame Blink-155.)

75) YG - “In The Dark”

The video begins with YG chugging a full tequila bottle -- sure. This song is very bad. It’s like he’s in a competition to make the verse lyrics worse than the chorus lyrics (spoiler alert: the verses “win”); not even satanic imagery can save this.

74) Solange - “Stay Flo”

Here’s a weird take: wouldn’t Solange’s career be way more fun if everyone slept on her? Instead, it’s hype on hype -- plus being Beyoncé’s sister -- which makes it nearly impossible to deliver. This has a fun beat/vibe but is kinda boring... and was still easily my favorite off her album.

73) Art Alexakis - “The Hot Water Test”

My doctors told me that I had a disease / I will slowly fall apart until there’s nothing left that looks like me

This song makes the stakes clear immediately. It was released a few months after I saw Art play in June 2019 on my birthday. At the intimate show, he revealed his multiple sclerosis diagnosis as if we were all his closest friends. Something like this is never easy to deal with -- a similar announcement by the Lucky Boys Confusion singer did not help matters -- but music can help such a painful situation, and it’s clearly Alexakis’ exile here.

72) The Cranberries - “In The End”

A very suitable sendoff for the band following the passing of singer Dolores O’Riordan. The recording story (via NPR):

O'Riordan died suddenly in January 2018 at 46 years old and left behind the vocal tracks to what was intended to be the band's latest album. Now, O'Riordan's bandmates have decided to complete that album, In The End — the last album the band will release — in her memory. 

[...]

In June 2017, O'Riordan and Hogan started emailing album ideas and demos back and forth to each other. O'Riordan had been very open about her struggles with mental health and addiction, which would affect the band at times, but they wanted to make a new album. Hogan says that when they were emailing those demos, she was in a good place. They started laying down her demos.

"All of that was kind of behind her," Hogan says. "She's kind of found a way to cope with the mental health thing. That's why she wanted to write so much. That's what she kept saying, 'I have so much to say, I just need the music to put it to.' "

Hogan says O'Riordan's apparent stability is what made her death even more tragic and devastating. (Officials ruled O'Riordan's cause of death to be accidental drowning due to alcohol intoxication.) But after a period of mourning, the remaining band members remembered they still had O'Riordan's demos. As Hogan remembers, they finally had the courage to start listening to them again in late February and, with her family's permission, started recording in April. "We spoke to her family and said, 'Look, how do you feel about us finishing the album?' And they were really supportive," Lawler says. "They were delighted, actually. They gave us their blessing."

Hogan says, in a sense, they were used to O'Riordan not being in the studio when they recorded — "Dolores hated hanging around the studio once we worked on our parts" — but, of course, this time was different.

71) Raleigh Ritchie - “Time In A Tree”

Exercise time. Play the first minute or so of this song without looking at any YouTube visuals.

/waits for you

OK, who are you picturing singing this? Got your image?

Well, whatever it was, you’re wrong -- it’s GREY WORM HIMSELF.

This was the best thing about “Game of Thrones” in 2019, sadly.

70) Culture Abuse - “Goo”

Simple, effective, gets out before you can dislike much.

69) Lil Pump f/ Lil Wayne - “Be Like Me”

Sometimes, a song starts, and you can just tell it’s going to be ignorant. Even before the vocals kick in. This was probably our moment here:

Between that and the beat, it’s like the only thing you can think is “Ohhhh, he’s about to say some horrible things about women.”

Other choice lines:

- “Yes, I’m hella ignorant, I don’t give a fuck” (he even says it in the song)

- “I take drugs like it’s Vitamin C / I’m a millionaire, but I don’t know how to read”

This song almost feels like it existed already.

68) The Get Up Kids - “Satellite”

Finally, our first rock song with some punch. This probably takes the crown from both DMB and P.O.D.

67) Bad Religion - “My Sanity”

BR is historically my favorite band, so it is rather deflating to see them so far back on this list. That said, it is Year 40 (!!!) of their existence, so some can be forgiven. Yet... we’ve never needed them more, you know? It’s this weird mixture of resentment but understanding.

66) Billy Liar - “The Righteous & The Rats”

Gonna see him (them?) open for The Bombpops in March; looks quite promising. Has an old school Brit punk feel.

65) Beach Slang - “AAA”

Beach Slang never lets you forget they love -- no, like, LOVE -- The Replacements. When this cover dropped, I googled “replacements AAA”, and, surprisingly, nothing came up.

Ohhh, what I fool I was. After more digging, I discovered a band called Grandpaboy who performed “AAA”.

“Oh, damn -- he finally went outside the box with this pick.”

No. Grandpaboy is fronted by Paul Westerberg. Singer of, you guessed it, The Replacements.

James Alex wears his heart on his sleeve so hard, he might as well give the heart a little jacket so his heart can wear its own heart on its sleeve.

HE DID THAT TOO?!

You can’t even make jokes about this band; they live in the jokes with their damn earnestness.

64) Gesaffelstein & The Weeknd - “Lost In The Fire”

Even lesser known Weeknd-involved tracks sound like they could lead a soundtrack or close out a festival. Are you familiar with this one at all? It has 87 million views on YouTube. Abel is never not not playing.

63) FIDLAR - “By Myself”

Started from the bottom and I’m still at the bottom

Falling apart never felt so carefree and burdenless.

62) Constant Elevation - “Fuck Runnin”

As hardcore punk as this list is gonna get. All glory to Vinnie Caruana. Though none of his solo tracks from 2019 made it, this has an undeniable energy and confidence. Plus probably the best song title of the year.

61) Maren Morris f/ Brandi Carlile - “Common”

A focused duet that drills into relationship dynamics before throwing a personal theology wrench in the middle of the chorus.

60) Anti-Flag - “Christian Nationalist”

AF going in on the white, religious right. This is like throwing a 50 mph pitch to -- /looks up good baseball players -- Pete Alonso.

59) Cokie The Clown - “Punk Rock Saved My Life”

This is less of a song and more of a confessional essay, and it gets harder and harder to look away with every revealing detail. If NOFX’s Fat Mike needed this character as a vehicle to get all of these autobiographical details off his chest, hopefully it’s a helpful therapy.

58) White Reaper - “Might Be Right”

“Judy French” is such an untoppable song, but “Might Be Right” has a similar dynamic.

57) Denzel Curry - “RICKY”

Denzel Curry as a rap moniker is such a slam dunk.

/looks up actual name

!!!

56) Ariana Grande - “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored”

It takes a special kind of hot girl twisted to issue this unflinching request while totally pulling it off.

55) Goody Grace f/ blink-182 - “Scumbag”

Not sure if Goody is a Soundcloud rapper, punk rocker, or some kinda emo hybrid of both.

A few asides:

- Have we ever -- ever -- heard Travis Barker this subdued on drums?

- On the Blink-155 podcast, Goody said he gave Tom from the Plain White T’s a songwriting credit because he unintentionally lifted some melodies from “Hey There Delilah”, but... I really don’t hear it at all; like, it sounds maybe in the same key but not much else?

54) Jonas Brothers - “Sucker”

Despite their popularity in the past, I do not think I could name a single JoBros song. That changed in 2019 with this poppy, light, clappy, Maroon 5-style single.

53) Goo Goo Dolls - “Money, Fame & Fortune”

Someone -- coulda sworn it was Brendan Kelly -- said this was Goo Goo Dolls sounding like Fake Problems, and that is spot on.

52) AJJ - “A Poem”

A poem is song that no one cares about

This short, folky tune led to one of my favorite Twitter exchanges of the year, when I reached out to a music journalist with a question and AJJ came flying off the top rope.

51) DaBaby - “Suge”

This song is fun, but I really don’t get it. Beat is cool, flow is fine... this is the new face of hip-hop? His name is DaBaby! What are we doing here?!

50) Laura Stevenson - “Jesus, Etc.”

Taking a classic and doing it full justice/adding some harmonies.

49) blink-182 - “Not Another Christmas Song”

Blink’s 2019 album “Nine” was very, very bad because it tried too hard and was not good. This song, released later in the year, takes an opposite approach and actually works. We get lyrics that are discontent, even clumsy at times -- the “I miss fucking in the rain” line is so out of place/cringe-y but actually feels real and not workshopped by 10 producers. The trio can hopefully use this better b-side to figure out the best songwriting should flow out of you without having to go through multiple stations on a conveyor belt first.

48) Dave Hause - “Eye Aye I”

This song has a lot I love (catchy chorus, wistful thoughts, hairline analyses) and a lot I don’t (genuine use of the word “old bores”, Van Halen getting respect), but one thing is clear: Dave Hause is in complete control.

47) Beck - “Up All Night”

I’ve casually followed Beck’s entire career and would not have guessed this was him if given 100 chances. As an exercise, I’m going to pull up the 2020 Coachella lineup and randomly point to an artist.

/pulls up lineup and points

I got Daniel Caesar. If you told me this was Daniel Caesar, that would probably make more sense here.

46) Shawn Mendes - “If I Can’t Have You”

Randomly came into Shawn Mendes tickets in 2019, and good gracious, that was something. Other than parents, we were the oldest people there by a lot. Getting to watch thousands of teens and preteens legitimately having the best moment of their lives was downright inspiring. When you’re that young, it’s not even hyperbole. Phones were flagrantly out; I’m talking 20+ minutes of straight video being filmed. I wanted to judge so badly, but if you gave me an iPhone at my first concert when I was 14, who the hell knows how egregious my behavior would’ve been. As fun as the whole experience was, I never wanted to be in a grimy punk club more. Sometimes, leaving your comfort zone makes you appreciate your home base more.

This is a rock solid pop song, but there are way too many you/you rhymes to not penalize it some.

45) Big Thief - “Cattails”

The whitest song you will ever hear that isn’t written by Vampire Weekend.

44) Bayside - “Prayers”

Bayside went super metal with their 2019 release “Interrobang” (such a sick name). So yes, the guitars are a touch harder than you might be used to, but the chorus soars; a great hook transcends genre.

43) Naughty Boy & Mike Posner - “Live Before I Die”

Few had as interesting of a year as Mike Posner. Following a breakup, the death of his father, and the death of Avicii, he decided to walk across the United States of America. He legit became Forrest Gump, right down to the beard and grown out hair.

In the video, you can see how a snakebite hospitalized him and almost derailed the whole trek. After a rehabilitation period where he almost lost his leg, our man finally makes it to the Pacific Ocean. If nothing else, watch for the ending -- it’s exhilarating.

42) Post Malone - “Wow.”

Post is flexing in this one; we’ve got slow motion jamming with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, international flights, a dancing beard guy, and a Fall Out Boy name check which really makes them sound cooler than they are now.

41) Bryce Vine f/ YG - “La La Land”

Sometimes, these summertime Cali songs write themselves. That is until YG comes in and flips over the board before you can finish the game. By the time the Coachella reference is dropped when Bryce comes back in, you realize 1:47 may have actually been a better endpoint for the song than its 2:47 length.

40) David Rokos - “Backseat Drives”

It’s winter in Chicago, again and until forever. If you haven’t been to the Jewel in the South Loop or Marshall Field’s before they changed it, just listen to this so you don’t actually have to.

39) Simple Creatures - “Drug”

Mark Hoppus and the dude from All Time Low give us this synth-pop bop that feels like the duo shooting their shot at a real mainstream pop hits. It didn’t quite get there, but they should feel OK about where it landed.

38) Chris Cresswell - “To The Wind”

My interest in The Flatliners ramped up considerably in 2019, as their near decade old record “Cavalcade” got plenty of spins (peep “Filthy Habits”; just stunningly incredible punk). Though they did not release anything this year, their singer put out “To The Wind”, a longing song about missing someone.

37) Kesha f/ Big Freedia - “Raising Hell”

Kesha, with the help of New Orleans’ Big Freedia, gives us another one. I’ve personally dug Kesha for a while now, but when is it time for us as a society to put her into the all-time conversation for pop artists? She has at least, like, seven HOF certifiable bangers. Plus she kills a guy in this music video.

In conclusion, I think this could translate to a country song very easily.

36) No Lenox - “Marquee”

Illinois/Japan’s No Lenox are back with Reuben Baird on the mixer and legendary masterer Collin Jordan (of The Boiler Room) on the, well, master, and the fullness in sound leads to the assault that is the “I saw your name on the marquee / Your friends were milling around outside” part. They only play it once, but I really could’ve gone for closer to five.

35) Red City Radio - “Love A Liar”

Rapid fire Red City Radio gets this one done in exactly 120 seconds.

34) Barely March - “Lead Single”

This sounds like Joyce Manor turned up to a 17 out of 10 before unexpectedly turning into a hellogoodbye song.

33) New Lenox - “Old Words”

Not a typo from two songs ago -- legitimately a different band. This one was written by your boy. The first 15 seconds were from a demo recorded 1/2/16 before developing the rest in 2019 (after some encouragement). We have Dave Rokos on guitar/bass, Dave Hernandez on hums, and Brian Bedford on some very temporary sleigh bells. Themes: online dating, resolutions, exes, currents, Black Wednesday, hope, and Carly Rae Jepsen stage banter.

32) MakeWar - “Sails”

Honey, I can’t make it on my own

You might get some Gaslight Anthem vibes as the vocals come in, but by the time the song ends, MakeWar leaves their own imprint on this impassioned ballad.

31) Sheryl Crow & Johnny Cash - “Redemption Day”

Was gonna say Johnny’s voice could move mountains before realizing no, Johnny’s voice is the mountains.

30) American Football f/ Hayley Williams - “Uncomfortably Numb”

Sensitivity deprived I can't feel a thing inside I blamed my father in my youth Now as a father, I blame the booze

An unlikely collaboration that makes you forget about its unlikeliness by the two minute mark. The two voices trade spots, mesh, harmonize, and weave throughout this beautiful song.

Asides:

- Blake from “Workaholics” in the video?!

- Choose to interpret this song’s title as a Pink Floyd diss

- “I’ll make new friends in the ambulance” should be a 2005-level emo lyric that we all mock, yet it’s somehow one of the most stunningly appropriate closers of the entire year

- I wish my friend Luke was with us to hear it

29) Stuck Out Here - “Embarrass You”

Stuck Out Here got onto my radar with 2014′s amazingly named “Getting Used To Feeling Like Shit”. Five years later, they’re back -- and not feeling much better. The Toronto quartet’s Bandcamp describes the song like this:

They’re fucking up, but unlike previous releases, they’re finally holding themselves accountable. 

You can even kinda hear their Canadian accents in the “I’m sorry I embarrass you...” part.

28) The Weeknd - “Heartless”

The Weeknd will be on these lists as long as he continues to make music even 1/8th as good as this.

27) The Chainsmokers f/ blink-182 - “P.S. I Hope You’re Happy”

A simple song that’s a touch more clever than you first realize. The Chainsmokers guy is giving me some real Owl City vibes. Also, how airtight of an apology is the line “I blame myself for when I was someone else”. It’s like the modern way of saying “When I was a child, I spoke like a child”. 

Also also, the “I will find a way somehow...” harmony in the pre-chorus is as pretty as music got in 2019. The Chainsmokers are so sonically pleasing, whether you end up liking the music or not.

26) Vampire Weekend - “Harmony Hall”

ooooooooh, that crisp guitar in the intro

25) Alex Lahey - “Don’t Be So Hard On Yourself”

If Carly Rae Jepsen can get a sword, why can’t Alex Lahey get a god damn saxophone? HIT ME.

That solo, combined with the “Mighty Ducks” reference in the chorus, make this song untouchable.

24) Lizzo - “Truth Hurts”

Let’s be clear: this did drop in 2017 but was technically re-released in 2019, so it does qualify for our list despite the criteria threatening timeline. Anyway.

The walking piano part, the iconic intro line (with a lawsuit!), the Minnesota Vikings reference (causing a Green Bay radio edit), and all of the damn positivity. Lizzo was among music’s big winners this year, and her success made you wonder how the hell someone this talented was slept on for those two years.

Let’s end with the purse.

23) An Horse - “Ship Of Fools”

Awkward band name, but a song that makes you pay attention. Kinda like Tegan and Sara, had they stayed more rock. So much urgency in the vocals and lyrics.

22) Charli XCX f/ Lizzo - “Blame It On Your Love”

Trippy vid; Charli continues to give us anthems. Wasn’t super high on the Lizzo cameo, but it somehow made more sense in the context of said video.

21) Sincere Engineer - “Dragged Across The Finish Line”

Sincere Engineer is back -- you can tell from the second those guitar leads get goin’. Drums from 1:19 to 1:36 = /heart eyes emoji. My buddy Cox said his next tattoo very well could be the outro lyric “Too dumb to succeed, too honest to cheat”.

(Bonus fact: they did a beer collaboration/show with Pollyanna Brewing Company in 2019.)

20) Lil Nas X - “Old Town Road”

Was unwilling to listen when this first dropped solely because of how horrible Lil Nas X’s name is (”What if a rapper came out named ‘Lil Jay-Z X’?!”)... what a foolish notion. One billion streams and a Billy Cyrus cameo later, I wouldn’t have been able to miss out on the Song of the Summer (and year) if I tried. More notes:

- Picked this because I had to, but “Panini” is legit good (200+ million streams)

- Went with the original (sorry, Billy), which is a beautiful 1:53 long (brevity, brevity, brevity)

- Did you know: Lil Nas X uses a Nine Inch Nails sample on the beat? This Rolling Stone interview with Trent Reznor is super interesting

Reznor calls “Old Town Road” “undeniably hooky,” but once it exploded, he took a back seat to the phenomenon. “The reason I haven’t stepped in to comment anything about it is, I don’t feel it’s my place to play any kind of social critic to that,” he says. “It was a material that was used in a significant way and it turned into something that became something else, and those guys should be the ones the spotlight is on…. They asked if I wanted to do a cameo in the video, and it was flattering, and I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I don’t feel like it’s my place to shine a light on me for that. I say that with complete respect.”

Still, Reznor is amazed at how the song became a juggernaut. “Having been listed on the credits of the all-time, Number One whatever-the-fuck-it-is wasn’t something…I didn’t see that one coming,” he says. “But the world is full of weird things that happen like that. It’s flattering. But I don’t feel it’s for me to step in there and pat myself on the back for that.”

19) Gryffin & Carly Rae Jepsen - “OMG”

What doesn’t this little bop have? It’s kinda Chainsmoker-y and tingles like cool breath hitting the back of your neck.

18) Craig Finn - “Blankets”

You travel your whole life just to get out to the place you’re gonna die

I love everything about this song: the artwork, the intro, the climax, the command Craig Finn has from start to finish -- with such a payoff. Now several albums in, the greatest compliment we can give is that his solo stuff now feels more essential than Hold Steady releases*. You can even hear it in this line: “When we got to the Twin Cities / I said ‘Man, I know some songs about this place’”. Another life.

17) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Now That I Found You”

Carly always keeps us in the sky; picking one song was difficult because the album is even more fulfilling as you get to put the pieces together.

16) Billie Eilish - “Bad Guy”

Different genres*, but Billie Eilish lived up to her hype in the exact same way Lana Del Rey did in the earlier part of the decade. Lana said she was the gangster Nancy Sinatra and totally fucking was. Billie feels like something potentially even bigger. Nearly everything about her aura lets you project (or even second guess, if you’re a skeptic). Is she dead-eyed because she’s high or disaffected? Or just Aubrey Plaza? Is it her or her brother that’s pulling the strings? How can someone so young be so good already? In the skinny fashion era of All Achilles Everything, how is she rocking such loose fits?

“I never want the world to know everything about me. I mean that’s why I wear big baggy clothes,” she said. “Nobody can have an opinion because they haven’t seen what’s underneath.”

“Nobody can be like ‘Oh, she’s slim-thick, she’s not slim-thick, she’s got a flat ass, she’s got a fat ass,’” she continued. “No one can say any of that because they don’t know.”

It almost seems too easy, but how much sense does that make to you?

Great jokes aside, I have so much anticipation for what’s next, with assured belief in its potential. Pitchfork: 

In 10 years, she will still be well under 30. Let’s hope the planet survives that long.

Yes.

(* - though not totally)

15) Ben Gibbard - “Filler”

Before you check Gibbard’s, please listen to the original by Minor Threat. That’s what he had to work with. From there, a total transformation while doing the near impossible -- keeping its beating heart.

14) Martha - “Wrestlemania VIII”

Third favorite song title of the year/favorite music video of the year. This is energetic, bratty punk at its finest; also surprised to find out it was British, but, based on the upcoming tour dates and YouTube description...

This is a silly & frankly quite rubbish video but when you are a band trapped within surveillance capitalism's endless hunger for content trying to promote a tour sometimes things will be a silly & frankly quite rubbish. 

I love them. Seriously didn’t even notice the accents in the singing until I knew to look for them; now, it’s all I can hear. Also, the part in the video where they finally show someone with an instrument, only he stops playing guitar halfway into the solo (/crying emoji).

THEY SAY ABSENCE MAKES THE HEART GROW FONDA

13) Chance The Rapper f/ Ben Gibbard - “Do You Remember”

Chance The Rapper dropped a one hour and 17 minute album in 2019 because he is a monster. I could not name three songs on it, but this one stood out big. It’s Chano doing what he does best: reminiscing and evoking summer in his city. Gibbard on the hook gives it that 2005 nostalgia while also making you say “Damn, it’s been nearly 15 years since 2005?!”

Fav two lines:

1) “Used to have obsession with the ‘27 Club’ / Now I'm turning 27, wanna make it to the 2070 club / Put the 27's down, Lord, give me a clean lung / Took the ring up out the box, I know this ain't no brief love”

2) “That summer left a couple tan lines / I love my city, they let me cut the line on the Dan Ryan”

(If you know, you know.)

Two more asides:

- If you Google “death cab for cutie”, the next autofill from there is “do you remember”. Rough for the legacy.

- “My daughter on the swing like the 2017 Cubs” is a line that confused me, but here’s how Genius explained it:

Chance is talking about a memorable summer and the things that made him happy. This line continues that theme when he raps about his daughter happily on a swing and how that’s similar to the 2017 Cubs. The Chicago Cubs won the World Series in 2016; therefore, the 2017 season was one of celebration and relaxation as the pressure of the 108 year drought was over. 

12) Lana Del Rey - “The Greatest”

I miss Long Beach, and I miss you...

Listening to this song feels like watching the cement dry on a classic in real time. Lana Del Rey’s galactic “Norman Fucking Rockwell!” dominated lists at the end of 2019, and she -- to borrow her word -- fucking deserved it.

- The Beach Boys line is so god damn perfect

- The guitar solo (soooo sick)

- The breathy singing; the crooning; the notes that go up and then down until you’re surrounded by melody

- The perfection of this album name (minus the very iffy exclamation point) will have me comparing nearly any other all-time album title for probably the rest of our lives 

- Tried playing this album during my Monday night pickup basketball run, and it very much failed... but that’s about the only thing it couldn’t do

- I’m told the dude with her on the album cover is Jack Nicholson’s grandson (named Duke Nicholson, because of course)

11) Off With Their Heads - “No Love”

If you do not like punk rock, this will be unlistenable. If you do, what a treat! I love how dissatisfied and put off he sounds, and, while there are a few more lively songs remaining on the list, none in 2019 got fast-tracked to my workout/pump up playlist at this speed.

Factoring in the band’s van accident (occurred after the release of this song), the “There’s nothing I could say that’s ever gonna make it right” outro becomes hauntingly clairvoyant.

10) Drake f/ Rick Ross - “Money In The Grave”

We need to face facts: it was a down year for stadium hip-hop. Nowhere on this list do you see Jay, Em, Kendrick, or Kanye (rest in peace). This was my favorite rap song of the year, and it couldn’t even crack the Top 5. Similar to his beloved Raptors -- who are being celebrated here -- it’s almost as if Drake needed some injuries outside his own locker room to get the crown. But I’m done being bummed, let’s focus on the good:

- Ohhhh, the intro (”I mean where. the fuck. should I. really even start?”)

- The way he says “grave” in the hook like he can barely contain 

- The hook itself -- read it out loud: “When I die, put my money in the grave”

- How cool Ross sounds when he breaks in

- The Zion reference

The bad:

- Rarely take this angle, but really wouldn’t mind if it were longer

- Misogyny

9) PUP - “Bloody Mary, Kate And Ashley”

Second favorite song title of the year, 6/8 time signature, satanic references, drugs, hallucinations (maybe), and, yes, the Olsen twins.

8) Better Oblivion Community Center - “Sleepwalkin’”

“It’s impossible to count...”

The intro, as the tempo gets jarringly slower and slower, ironically helps you acclimate quicker. This Phoebe Bridgers/Conor Oberst collab was my No. 1 played track of 2019 (the album coming out in January definitely helped). The song builds to Phoebe’s solo part:

You like beer and chocolate I like setting off those bottle rockets We can never compromise But fighting 'til the death keeps us alive

It’s sung so well, you can almost feel the heat of the spotlight on her through the stereo. The lyrics could be anything.

The chill guitar solo takes us out.

7) AM Taxi - “Saint Jane”

Adam Krier is such a rockstar, he had me shouting “I’m no hero, at best a zero!” within my fifth listen -- and I was skeptical as hell when I first heard the line. But that’s about where it stopped. You can tell this song is going to rip even before the vocals come in. When they do (”These fears don’t die, you get older and they multiply”), it’s just fucking time to go.

6) Taylor Swift - “Paper Rings”

My favorite pop song of 2019. Tay is firing on all cylinders; every lyric is exactly where it’s supposed to be; boppy and fun and sincere (while still being light-hearted). Still holding out minor hope it will be a single in 2020.

5) Pkew Pkew Pkew - “The Polynesian”

I’ve always said the best songs make you want to live the lyrics, whether they are positive or negative. This one had me researching “polynesian wisconsin” faster than I’m comfortable disclosing. And yes “bed bugs” and “needles” were both in the Top 7 recommended searches after those first two words.

Pkew Pkew Pkew collaborated with Craig Finn on some of their lyrics on 2019′s “Optimal Lifestyles”, and I’d be blown away if he doesn’t have fingerprints on this one -- the storytelling is pristine. Go into this open-minded, and I’d be shocked if you weren’t shouting the “Goatees, tall cans, camo pants, and Packers fans” mantra by the end.

Bonus story: this St. Patrick’s day in Chicago, I asked my friend Sara (Wisconsin native) if she’d ever stayed there, and she held up her elbow and showed me a scar from the hotel’s water slide. Your boy was over the moon.

4) Spanish Love Songs - “Losers”

It gets harder, doesn’t it?

Dylan Slocum has a way of not just writing depressing songs -- many lyricists are good at that -- but specifically depressing songs. This song contemplates death, homelessness, squandering your limited time on the planet, credit card debt, leeching off your parents because you have no other choice, crippling illness, and completely giving up because there genuinely is no other choice. The last lines are, without any hint of winking, “We’re mediocre. We’re losers. Forever.”

It’s wonderful.

Two straight Top 4 finishes for SLS; their 2020 album should be something special.

3) oso oso - “the view”

If Jade Lilitri is making personal progress in “microscopic strides”, you wouldn’t be able to tell by his songwriting. Every tune has a way of warming up your entire body and being. This grabs you, whether it’s the laid back guitar or the mismatched quick drums or the big ass chorus. While it came down to this one or “basking in the glow” (an actual single), the bridge here puts us over the top:

But not as much as the phone ringing Not as much playing my house Not as much as the way her goddamn voice sounds It's like taking in sun And then taking it back I fall into old habits I'm stepping over your cracks again

Her voice? This song.

2) The Menzingers - “Strangers Forever”

This song makes me want to rip up walls, sprint through streets with no destination, shred my lungs screaming off rooftops, bash hands drumming the steering wheel until my sprained fingers beg me to stop. It is such a perfect encapsulation of my favorite band of the decade and possibly of all-time.

Scranton’s sons gave me everything and more from 2010 through 2019, so it’s fitting they end so high here. This is probably the most clownable sentence of them all, but I am so constantly thankful I am alive to experience Greg Barnett’s songwriting. What he creates, I can only compare to the best books or movies or athletes or even personal relationships.

The way the guitar alternates in the headphones to start, the drums that go big and push the song along, the reverb vox that certainly could have less reverb, the “it is what it is”-style lyric of “My miserable memory’s making me more miserable”, the oceanic imagery, the quiet bridge that explodes into a final chorus. Barnett said the overall theme was inspired by Leo Tolstoy’s “Anna Karenina”.

In it, the character Darya Alexandrovna learns of her husbands infidelity and declares: “Even if we remain in the same house, we are strangers — strangers forever!” The idea of becoming a stranger to someone you so intimately know stuck with me, and became the overarching narrative to this song. Dolly’s statement is definitive, but she also realizes the trappings of 19th century patriarchal Russian society. It’s a complex conundrum, and while lyrically I speak in the first person, this song exists in a world outside of my own personal experiences. I wanted to write about the finality of relationships that need to end this way. Strangers Forever. 

My only gripe is I wish there were more. But I’m the same person who never wants them to stop.

1) Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

Only one song could make me fear missing the chance to be with the love of my life the same year I married her. As discussed in “The Polynesian”, the best songs have the consistent ability to put you in someone else’s shoes. You are either reliving something you personally experienced or maybe taking it all in for the first time. And that can be powerful -- especially dealing with anything big picture.

“Your New Old Apartment” launches me into 2009 without ever asking. Age: 23. My life was transient, I had no career, I didn’t even believe in marriage. I left my retail job in the Chicago suburbs for an unpaid newspaper internship in New Jersey. When I saw the people I loved, I always tried to make it count. Still do.

The descriptors and feeling are suffocating, right from the jump:

I only saw you a couple times last year Once at a wedding, once at a funeral I wore the same clothes to both, and I was worried you would notice ‘cause yours were impeccable

That’s me, then. Not knowing how to dress but hoping to get by anyway. I remember talking to my buddy P before buying my “work clothes” and learning you needed to match your shoes with your belt. Boyish adulthood.

The song continues, and the narrator is filled in on 5-year plans. It may be cliche to speak, but every current moment is simultaneously your youngest and oldest. Being in my early 30s now, it is so easy to scoff at anyone’s best laid plans, but I’m also the same cat who thought The Wonder Years’ “Jesus Christ, I’m 26 / All the people I graduated with / All have kids, all have wives, all have people who care if they come home at night” was life-defining, because I was the same age when that dropped, and it always hits the hardest when it’s all around you.

What I love about these lyrics are the careful observation mixed with mature-behind-his-years restraint. For a very long time in my life, I did not think I would get to be with my wife as anything more than a friend. When you are forced to come to terms with those potential realities, you must make concessions and convince yourself they’re OK. So when it’s revealed the narrator’s muse is married, he resigns himself to hopefully seeing the person more and at least being adjacent to the life they are living. It is tragic but still something. It is alternate hope in the hopeless.

I can picture myself listening to this song that wasn’t yet written while leaving a 2009 or 2010 or 2013 wedding and wishing I told her everything. But I wouldn’t have -- not then. I would have poured my heart out into a diary and quoted a line or three from this at the bottom. But that was then, this is now. 

In 2019, her new old apartment will be my new old apartment, and that will never be lost on me.

* * *

Bonus coverage. Since we are at the end of the decade, I rounded up our No. 1 song from each year and have that below:

2010: The Menzingers - “Time Tables” 2011: Jay-Z & Kanye West - “Gotta Have It” 2012: Carly Rae Jepsen - “Call Me Maybe” 2013: Kanye West - “On Sight” 2014: The Menzingers - “Where Your Heartache Exists” 2015: Big Sean f/ Kanye West - “All Your Fault” 2016: The Menzingers - “Lookers” 2017: The Menzingers - “After The Party” 2018: Horror Squad - “I Smoke The Blood” 2019: Signals Midwest f/ Sincere Engineer - “Your New Old Apartment”

* * *

It’s time to stop writing. Thank you so much for reading.

Spotify playlist is here, featuring 70 of the 75.

[runson-stories]

Part 3: A Change In The Wind

Length: Long

Blood pulled at the tip of my index finger. I brought it to my mouth and sucked on it. The older I get, the more my skin seems to become paper, so pale and thin.

“Mam, could I get a dozen from you?” I asked of a young woman at the checkout counter. The girl was preoccupied with one of those handy phones. “Mam?” I insisted. The girl looked up to me and pulled out something from her right ear that I didn’t notice before.

“What’s up?” she asked unaware of my question.

“I was asking you if I could get a dozen of these roses.”

“Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, one second.” She hit a button on the device and put it in the front pocket of her apron. She grabbed a bag and came around the desk to where I was standing. “How many did you say you wanted?” she asked.

“A dozen” I replied in a slightly impatient tone. She looked at me as if I were being an ass. I swear, I feel like these kids are getting dumber every year, but somehow, they manage to make me feel like the idiot. I can’t keep up with it all.

“Do you need the stems cut?” asked the girl.

“Yes, that would be nice. Thank you.”

The girl took the roses and went back around the counter. I turned around and checked the weather out the front of the store. It looked like it was about to start raining. I should’ve brought my umbrella.

“Here you go sir,” said the girl. She had brown curly hair. It reminded me of my daughter.

“What are all the roses for if you don’t mind me asking? Special lady?” she asked with a quirky wink.

“You could say that” I responded with a smile. Yes, the kids nowadays can be a little frustrating, but they are people who care nonetheless.

“Well I hope she likes them” said the girl with a smile.

“Thank you, mam. I believe she would” I replied. I noticed her smile slacken when I said it.

When I stepped out onto the sidewalk the pain in my hip started to flair up. Humidity was never any good for that damn hip. I stood there for about four minutes until the car came around. She was right on time. My sister usually was.

“Come on you old fart!” yelled Charlotte from the window. My sister was always the kind of person who liked to poke the bear. Not that I was a bear by any means. She just liked to tease me and lighten my mood. “Hop in!”

I climbed into the front passenger’s seat and folded the roses over my lap. “You ready?” asked Charlotte.

“I guess. You think we could run by the house first and grab my umbrella? Looks like it’s gonna rain.”

“Oh, we’ll be fine. I’ve got one in the trunk we can share.” She heard me grumble slightly at that. “You never did like sharing ya old sour puss. Lighten up Greg, you’ll be fine.”

“Just start driving” I replied. Charlotte is about ten years younger than me and has always seemed to carry a youthful energy about her. People always thought she looked younger than she really was. Even now, she’s 60 and still looks like she’s breaking midway through 40.

“Joking aside” said Charlotte. “How are you doin Greg?”

“I’ve been better” I responded shortly.

“Come on Greg. You won’t get away being like that with me. You never could.”

“Charlotte, you know what this day means to me. You can’t expect me to be anything more than I am right now.”

“I know, but you should at least talk about it” said Charlotte with genuine concern. “Don’t be like dad with stuff like this. You’ve gotta talk about it or it’s going to eat you up inside until the day you die. I get that it’s difficult for you, but I just think that it’ll help. Sometimes we’ve gotta quit sucking it up and let things bleed.”

“I hear what you’re saying Charlotte, but it won’t do me any good. Not today. Maybe some other day, but I just wanna get this day over with.”

It was quiet between us for a moment. In the distance I could hear the soft roll of thunder. Tiny raindrops started to break upon the windshield.

“I understand Greg” said Charlotte softly. “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready to talk about it.”

“Thank you, Charlotte. I really do appreciate it.”

“I love you more than anything in this world Greg. You know that right?”

“I know it.”

“Good.”

The rest of the drive was spent listening to the sound of rain lightly beat against the car. Charlotte was always pretty good at knowing what people needed when they needed it. It’s been a gift hers since we were kids. And to be honest, that quality became something I really valued in people. It’s what brought me to Sharon; challenged me to wanna care for her better. If only I could’ve been that when it mattered most.

Luckily, it looks like much of the storm headed east, so by the time we arrived at the cemetery, the worst of it had passed. We were left with a drizzle that beaded on the top of our clothes. Charlotte and I both got out of the car, and I waited for her to grab the umbrella. In the distance I could still hear the roll of thunder. I thought of how fitting it all seemed, and in that, felt comforted.

Once we were ready, Charlotte and I made our way down the familiar path. I’ve been coming here for years and each time I do it feels more like where I belong. The first few years, it seemed like an alien planet: all the tombstones bursting up from the ground like fingers defying the confines of the earth. But now, I feel their weight upon the ground, sinking in, holding their contents at bay.

We arrived at their tombstones.

“I’ll let you be with them for bit” said Charlotte quietly.

“Thank you” I said, and for some reason, I felt a tug in my heart that I hadn’t felt in years.

I walked up to the stones and knelt down against the pain in my hip, placing the roses at the stone’s base. She loved roses, ever since she was a baby. She said they were the only flower that ever smelled as good as they looked. That tug on my heart pulled harder than ever, seeming to match the power of the distant thunder. I forced my eyes to read the stones…

Lisa Rilk 1973 – 1989.

Sharon Rilk 1950 – 1990

Years of anger and rage pressed against my heart with no place to go, and before I knew what was happening, I said it.

“I’m so sorry… I should’ve been there. I should’ve known. I… I… should have…”

I broke down. My tears and the rain becoming indistinguishable. The weight of these stones bore down on me greater than any burden of my life. It signified my greatest failure; my deepest pain; the unresolvable frustration of an infinite abyss of “why’s.”

I felt arms wrap around me. It was Charlotte. She held me as I wept, our clothes soaked. The rain grew heavier and the thunder sounded closer than before. There must have been a change in the wind.

[iamthestrangerinmoscow]

1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 12, 14, 16, 17, 18, 19, 21, 22, 24, 26, 27, 29 Sorry I am curious (answer at your own volition)

Lol it’s okay, it’s not like I have anything better to do right now (tired beyond words…)

1. what is your sexuality?

I’m bisexual. I chose the label bisexual over pansexual because I don’t feel like I’m “gender blind” - I’m attracted to different things for different genders (tbh I also chose it because of the pun making opportunities).

2. what do gender do you identify as?

Eh it’s kinda complicated. I think “male-aligned genderqueer” describes me best, but I actually wouldn’t object to being called a genderqueer man (or a genderqueer FTM). It’s hard for me to define.

One version is that I’m really nonbinary and male/man is how I can describe where I see myself in society and how I know my body is supposed to be like. Another version is that I’m partially male and partially genderqueer. I don’t know and I don’t really want to label it beyond “male-aligned genderqueer”.

3. how long have you been aware of your sexuality/gender?

With sexuality, I started using “bisexual” for myself at the age of 15, but I’m pretty sure I already experienced sexual attraction at 13 and if I learned that word back then, I could have started using it then. I know I’ve had crushes on boys and girls before puberty, and I was consistently attracted to both men and women from puberty. So it wasn’t hard to figure out.

With gender, kinda more complicated. In childhood, there were signs™. During puberty, I’ve started feeling dysphoria, but I didn’t know such thing existed so I couldn’t know what it meant. I’ve learned that transmasculine people existed at the age of 16 (wow right?? representation matters) and started questioning gender pretty soon after that. I think I started identifying as nonbinary when I was 17, but I don’t remember very well.

4. do you have any preferences?

Yeah, but they aren’t strong. I’m more attracted to women and nonbinary/gender ambiguous people sexually, and more attracted to men romantically. I’d say it’s about a 40%/60% split for both.

8. how do you feel about lgbtq roles in media?

I’m pretty chill, but I do think representation is very important. The only reason I found out bisexuality existed is through House MD. If I saw a trans man on TV as a 13-14 year old, maybe I’d figure it out sooner. And I won’t even talk about how important it is for both LGBT+ people (validation and support) and others (visibility and education).

12. what sort of advice to have you lgbtq teens?

Don’t give up. I know you are tired of hearing “it gets better” - I was tired too. It made me so so angry. However, as hard as it is, sometimes the only thing you can do is wait. Build strength, support yourself with kind, accepting people, and don’t lose hope. No matter how bad it seems, it won’t last forever.

Being questioning is hard. Being in the closet is hard. Coming out is hard. Dealing with queerphobic people is hard. Living in the world today as a LGBT+ person is hard. But you are strong enough to survive every single thing because guess what? Every horrible thing, every heartbreak, every bad day so far… you have survived it all. You will survive *this* too.

14. how do you feel about the term “coming out” ?

Considering it’s short for “coming out of the closet”, I think it’s pretty accurate. Closets can be dark, lonely places, but they are also safe. If you know you won’t be in danger, coming out might be great - but if you have to stay in that closer for some time, it’s okay too. So yeah, I think the term is pretty good.

16. any tips on coming out?

Don’t have expectations, I guess? Really though, being prepared for acceptance and not getting it is horrible. Preparing yourself for hate and conflict is horrible too. So just don’t have expectations. Go into it thinking “I know I will be physically safe [because you should be! don’t come out if you aren’t] and I will deal with anything else as it occurs”.

Also don’t rush it, please. You will know when you are ready. Coming out when you aren’t ready can be so hard.

17. what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtq characterization in media?

LGBT+ characters getting killed at disproportionate rates is the biggest one. Horrendously inaccurate representation is the close second.

18. what’s your favorite parts of lgbtq characterization in media?

LGBT+ characters being accepted and supported by friends, family and other random characters. It makes me cry happy tears. Also smashing those damn stereotypes. Also gay jokes.

19. what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school?

I won’t talk about school cause yeah… bad memories.

My uni seems to be pretty liberal though. I haven’t heard many opinions, but I was pleasantly surprised at anthropology. The anthro prof talking about gender, sexuality, monogamy and so on was very investing, and validating. And I haven’t heard a single homophobic/transphobic thing from any other professor. So yeah, mostly it’s great.

21. what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same gender?

Lol for the sake of simplicity let’s say men are the same gender for me and women are the opposite gender. For men, genuine cruelty, aggression, etc - I can’t, it just scares the shit out of me. For women, being passive and complacent - idk, it just makes me sad. I guess for both, it’s the extreme performance of traditional gender roles…

22. what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same gender?

For men, not being afraid to be emotional/vulnerable/human (not to the point of being passive though, don’t like that in anyone…) and also sarcasm/dark sense of humor (idk why I don’t like that in girls…). For women, being sassy or just funny, and also being badass (um guess who has a crush on Buffy the Vampire Slayer). And for anyone: being passionate about something, doesn’t matter what.

24. how do you feel about the term “queer” ?

You can fight me on this but I think it’s a great term. Maybe cis gay men and cis lesbians don’t need it, but for pretty much anyone else in LGBT+, it can be so useful. Like, do you expect me to explain to everyone that I’m a bisexual transgender male-aligned nonbinary person? Cause it’s much easier to say “I’m queer”. I understand that it used to be a slur, however it’s not the same as some other slurs and has been reclaimed. So I’m pro using it.

26. favorite lgbtq actor/actress?

Kristen Stewart and Stephen Fry, if I can only choose two.

27. any tips for heterosexual and/or cisgender people on how to handle lgbtq events/news?

Mmmm… be respectful, I guess? You can totally take part in events and discussions, just don’t talk over LGBT+ people and remember that their voices are more important in those cases.

29. how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/gender?

I don’t mind it. There aren’t many places where LGBT+ people can feel relatively safe in a community of people who share their experiences, so I’m all here for taking part in discussions and sharing my thoughts.

[soft-sapphiic]

Bi anon from the other day. First off, I'M SORRY I MADE YOU FEEL BAD!!!!!!! That wasn't my intention at all, and I appreciate that you read what I said and were thoughtful about it. :) I didn't/don't think you were trying to come off as anti-bi or anything, it's just that bi erasure is a very real (and common) thing from both lesbians and straight ppl, so I just... am super sensitive about it, I guess? (1/?)

You get the “you’re just playing around with girls, you’ll settle down with a guy“ from straight ppl, and then the "bi is just a layover on the way to lesbian” from lesbians. And truthfully? It may be. Or it may not be. It’s not like bisexuality is a 50/50 thing where you’re 50% interested in other genders, and 50% interested in your own. It maybe be more like a 90/10 split, or a 40/60 split, or maybe there’s one or two guys over the years you really like/are attracted to/care about, but (2/?)

mostly you’re into women. Or the opposite. Maybe you’re more likely to have romantic feelings about one gender over another. Maybe you don’t have romantic feelings about anybody, but sexually you’re into all sorts of people, regardless of gender. Or maybe it’s the opposite way around. (3/?)

And all of that can change over the years. I joke that the older I get, the gayer I get, but for me, it’s kinda true. I’m still attracted to men, but I don’t have a lot of interest in building a life with one. The reasons are myriad. (and for anyone reading, IT IS PERFECTLY OKAY IF YOU HAVE REASONS YOU DON’T WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH MEN EVEN IF YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO THEM. All caps because sometimes ppl like to make a big deal about the reasons ‘why’ a woman is a lesbian/queer/etc, (4/?)

and the truth is, why doesn’t matter.) Like your other anon said, what really matters is if you’re happy. If you’re dating guys because you think you’re bi or straight, and you’re hating every minute of it and the relationships are all awful… stop. You don’t have to do that. Date people who make you happy and who are good to you. (5/?)

Also? Know that when it comes down to it, you are the only one who gets to define your sexual identity. I had three different guys tell me last year that I was “bi-curious, not bisexual” because at the time, all of my sexual experiences had been with men, never mind that I’d known I was attracted to girls since I was 14, and I’m… significantly past 14 now… and my experience with men was pretty limited too. *rolls eyes* (6/6) 

Hi wow sorry I left you hanging for a while lol. These are all really good points, thank you for sending this in! I’m glad to have your perspective bc I genuinely just Did Not Know Better, but this is really well expressed, so ty! (And I’m glad there were no hard feelings about it!)