#this is a tired conversation but anyways. im shaming the Let People Enjoy Things people

[nicollekidman]

one time i stopped talking to a kid in my elementary school class because he only ever read captain underpants books and i thought that was gross and dumb. we need to bring some of that energy back.

[euphoricsunflowers]

calling you daddy — monsta x

scenario: they ask about your kinks and you ask them to call you daddy

a/n: this is written with a fem reader in mind but is not strictly fem reader as no pronouns or anything is mentioned.

a/n: was this a request? nope tbh this was written for myself bc i’m sick and tired of seeing people call these men daddy so uh pls enjoy

word count: 2k

content: sub!monsta x, dom!reader, daddy kink obviously ajshdhs, minhyuk is kinda bratty? kinda??, lots of teasing and begging, mentions of consent and stuff

—

son hyunwoo/shownu:

he falls silent. he doesn’t know what to say in the slightest. he worries that he might hurt your feelings or say something out of line, but it just stuns him, “you don’t have to do it if you’re uncomfortable with that, bear. your consent is just as important,” you say.

but see that’s half of what’s stunning him. he’s not exactly uncomfortable with that. shownu’s nature is pleasing you, he doesn’t mind filling any role or position for you, this was just a little more intense than that.

“you know what? just forget we had this conversation. i don’t want you to feel pressured, and it’s not a big deal, okay?” you say.

but the idea lingers in his head whether or not you want it to. as the days go by, his mind wanders, and while it may not exactly be what he’d be into, he’s not against doing it for you.

as you manhandle him a little bit, he says it softly, “ah, daddy-,” it’s even more embarrassing than he imagined, and his cheeks and ears are flushed and hot, but when he says it, softly under his breath, just whispering it out to test the waters, he sees your shock and then your small little smirk.

“now that i know what it sounds like to hear you say that, and what that does to me,” you say, sneaking your hands under his shirt and letting them wander, playing with his chest a bit, “i don’t think it’s a good idea to say that if you wanna make it out of this bedroom spotless and in one piece.”

he blushes even more, a little shy and hesitant, but he likes having this kind of effect on you, so that may not be the last time he says it. besides, who says he cares if he makes it out in one piece? and spotless? his neck and chest and thighs were too clean anyway.

lee hoseok/wonho:

it was in the middle of you riding him, his wrists bound above his head with a rope that made his skin look so pretty against it. he’s already cum once, but you’re not stopping until you do, and he’s trying to keep himself together. your hands roughly playing with his chest is overstimulating and he’s overwhelmed. he pleads for mercy aimlessly, almost thoughtlessly.

but then, “if you’re gonna beg, call me daddy,” you murmur. he’s not even sure he hears you right when you say it. he looks at you with wide eyes, and he assumed he did because of the way you act. he knows he could stop you at any time because you’re very clear on consent and it’s not like this was completely out of left field considering how you’re already always in charge in the bedroom. he was just stunned.

and while he’s a little bit stunned, he also won’t deny that it is a little bit hot.

so he does, “please, daddy, it’s so much- i- i can’t handle it.”

he sees your smile, with just a drop of sadism behind the curl of your lip, “just a little more, baby, i’m close. you make daddy feel so good,” he gets so excited by the praise that he attempts to stick it out, forever still the man that just wants to make you happy and please you.

he forgets about himself and his own body for a moment when he feels your body tense up around him and you hold onto his chest as you orgasm, using him to get the most out of it before you slow down to a halt.

your heavy breathes and sweet nothings whispered in his ear are heavenly.

lee minhyuk:

“really? you’re into that? i honestly thought it would be the other way around.”

taken aback, you ask, “really? what gave you that impression?”

“idk, you don’t have this aura of dominance, so i didn’t really assume that was your thing.”

“is that- is that okay with you?”

he gets closer, teasing in the way he wants to make you shy, “you seem pretty bashful for someone who just asked to be called daddy in the bedroom.”

“minhyuk-,”

he rolls his eyes, obviously trying to get a rise out of you, “come on, i don’t even know if you have it in you.”

and something about his careless, taunting tone sets something off inside you, like he was challenging you. but it’s a challenge you take on when you approach him. your touch is softer, lighter than he imagined. he thought you would be lit aflame with a need to prove yourself to him. but you lean in to press a kiss on his neck and your wandering hands settle on his hips.

you’re gentle with him initially, yet he melts a little bit when one hand tightens and another begins to unbutton his shirt, giving your mouth access to his chest.

you push him onto the couch, straddling him and using a hand to hold both of his arms above his head, when you pull back, he looks dazed and needy, all those teasing smirks having faded off his features, “why are you so affected? i thought i didn’t even have it in me,” you say with a smirk this time.

he breathes heavily, “y/n- please-”

“oh please, that’s not my name anymore, min.”

yoo kihyun:

“you want me to what?!” his voice is randomly high pitched, loud, almost like he’s nervous or scared.

despite that anxious feeling you’re feeling too, you try to stay calm, “i understand if you’re uncomfortable by it, but you asked about my kinks, kihyun.”

“yeah i know- i just- i wasn’t expecting that- really? you’re not messing with me? that’s really what you want?” he looks exasperated.

“yes. i really want you to call me daddy.”

he goes silent, trying to comprehend in his head what the hell was going on and what he was going to do and why the more he thinks about it, the less vehemently against it he becomes. and he had spent the entire relationship making it clear that he cared about what you wanted (because he does) and it’s not like… he hates the idea of it, but it’s just so out there to him that he can’t even fathom or imagine it.

he asks for a few days just to think about it, and though the awkwardness lingers in the air, by the fourth day, it seems like you had mostly forgotten about it or at least it didn’t seem to be on your mind. he spends those days really thinking, trying to imagine what it would be like, why you would even want that.

but the next time you’re together alone, your hands and lips are on him and he experimentally says it, “daddy, please.”

the whiny, begging voice, coupled with the word, leave you stunned. you pull back with wide eyes, and he felt so embarrassed and shameful with your eyes on him like that, but then you pulled him back into you and kissed him with a certain kind of feverish desperation that made his knees weak.

chae hyungwon:

his reaction is oddly pretty calm. he asked about what you were into, and you told him. maybe he was expect something a little different, but to be honest, he knew you liked to be in control, and he usually just went along with it. he didn’t mind it especially because you always made sure you both felt good and that was all that matters. that and he kinda likes being told what to do.

so it doesn’t exactly surprise him, especially when you add, “but only in a sexual context! i don’t need you to say it all the time.”

“good because there’s no way in hell i’m calling you daddy in front of my friends,” he can see the thoughts behind your eyes wanting to take up that challenge, but he decides to ignore it, “as far as they’re concerned, i’m daddy.”

“sure, wonnie. sure,” you say dismissively, before looking back at him, “are you actually okay with it though? i know it’s… weird.”

“it wasn’t what i was expecting, but if that’s what you want, then i’ll do it.”

and as soon as you’ve got him under you, with kisses and marks trailing down his neck and chest, leaving him helplessly turned on and horny, he says it so naturally, you wonder if he even thought to do it. but whether or not he’s doing this solely for you, or because he might have found it a little hot, is between him and himself, “ahh, daddy, please- be gentle with me- i have a photoshoot in the morning- oh my god that feels so good please daddy don’t stop-”

lee jooheon:

he likes the idea of it when you mention it, he just gets kinda shy, “do you- do you really want me to call you that?”

you come closer, holding his hand and rubbing your thumb against it in a comforting manner, “yeah, i really like the idea of it. if you’re not completely against it, i’d be really happy if we could try it.”

“it’s not… the worst thing you could have told me you were into,” he laughs as your hand starts to massage his thigh instead, “we can try it. i'll tell you if we need to stop, but i think it’ll be okay.”

“good, i’m glad you’re reacting this way, honey,” you murmur as you kiss him, and he smiles, which, even if it makes the kiss a little awkward, is really cute, “sweetheart,” you whisper as you pull away, “can you say it? i just wanna hear you say it.”

your hands wander his skin nervously, he can tell you’re worried about him being uncomfortable, “ahh, d-daddy, please touch me more,” he whines, and he’s never been more compelling before, but somehow the use of that word really makes you want to give in and give him anything he wants, “please touch me.”

your hand falls a little lower upon his request, and he groans lightly, pulling you a little closer, “you’re perfect, baby, so pretty.”

“ahh, please,” he huffs, clearly growing shy with the praise, but it’s obvious he really likes it, so you touch him more and whisper sweet words into his ear with a kiss, “oh- oh my- daddy- please i-”

“you’re so cute, sweetie pie, especially when you’re feeling good, you look so pretty and content. it’s my favorite sight,” you say adoringly, looking at him with the biggest heart eyes.

“wow, i didn’t expect to like this this much but-“ he whispers, “-i kinda love it.”

im changkyun/i.m:

he doesn’t react much when you say it, making you wonder if he was uncomfortable or not into it, but in any case, you assume it’s going to be forgotten in a few days and there would be nothing to worry about.

until he’s trying to get you to play with him and you’re trying to work. he can’t deny that he gets horny easily and you’re right there! he tries to tease in an way he can think possible, but to no avail. you’re still just sitting there, typing away on your laptop.

“just another thirty minutes, and then im all yours, baby,” you murmur to him, and he pouts subconsciously out of frustration.

he gets an idea, and i’m sure you know what it is.

“alright, you’re busy and i respect that. i guess i’ll just leave you be and go play by myself, daddy,” he giggles when you look over at him for the first time in this encounter and then he walks away.

as he sits on the bed in your bedroom, he awaits the sound of your footsteps, knowing he’s won. the door opens, and you walk in too casually, enough to make him suspicious, until he’s pulled onto your lap with your lips on his shoulder. your hands sneak under his hoodie, and his hands brace himself on your shoulders for stability, “ah- y/n-”

“baby, i did not set aside my work that’s due tomorrow morning to come fuck your brains out just for you to call me that,” he shivers, so incredibly turned on, “try again.”

—

taglist: @lovingonrepeat @neosincity @sub-hoshi-enthusiast @multidreams-and-desires @hobilluvvr @vanillaknj @yr-domxfantasies @treasure-hwa @fleurshopsub @rubyscloud9 @silencefavarchive @nct99 @bigkpopstan @monstaxdirtywonk @domreaderrecs @mochi-ficz and always feel free to ask to be added to/removed from the taglist <3

[daffodildazaiwrites]

can i pls request poly hcs for chuuya/reader/dazai bc i love them very much and also i just wanna date them both. perhaps just like “how they met” + cute relationship hcs if that’s ok!! nsfw is optional! Thank u so much ^^

THIS IS SUCH A GREAT REQUEST! Thank you so much anon! Also since I felt like it would be easier to establish a relationship like that I took the liberty of making the reader a part of the Port Mafia. It just seemed easier then to write reader as a part of the agency,  I hope you enjoy, this was super fun to write!!!! Also I love writing poly relationships so feel free to requests more!

also ofc im writing nsfw it’s a shame that you even considered that i might not lol

Warning: Explicit sinful content at the end

Commissions | Ko-Fi

Your relationship with Chuuya was already well established on the day you met Dazai. Your relationship with Chuuya was of being flirty friends that always came to the edge of being something more. You weren’t going to lie, after working with the red head for so long you had developed a minor crush. 

Meeting Dazai for the first time was one of the most confusing instances that happened to you. First of all, for someone who was imprisoned by the Port Mafia he had quite the mouth on him and second you’ve never witnessed Chuuya act so irrationally annoyed at someone before. At least someone other than you. 

You’ve heard many stories about Dazai Osamu before, especially from Chuuya. You’ve expected the man to, at least, look more threatening. But after the interrogation began you noticed where his true weapon layed, his mind. That same weapon was the reason why you were so mesmerized by him. You could never admit this to Chuuya though. Dazai was the enemy and from the seeming of it, Chuuya absolutely despised him. 

Dazai, noticing your lingering stares and open body language, was quick to engage in conversation. He was much more flirtatious then you anticipated and to be honest, it kind of worked. Blood rushed to your cheeks as you looked the other way. Dazai wasn’t the only one to notice your reaction. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

“What?”

Meanwhile Chuuya was the embodiment of mixed emotions. Seeing Dazai after so long made him want to kick his face in to the wall and hug him. He was highly confused about the latter. But his rage grew when Dazai shamelessly flirted with you and that it worked????? he was appalled.

He never acted on it but he kind of figured you had a crush on him but apparently you also are head over heels about Dazai? He took in a deep breath. He might’ve over exaggerate the second part a bit. 

After the encounter, Dazai visited both you and Chuuya frequently and as time passed it was harder and harder to consider Dazai as the enemy. Even Chuuya didn’t seem surprised anymore that the man just showed up in your shared apartment. After a certain hour the two of you grew accustomed to hear a knock at the window. 

The only issue was that Dazai and Chuuya fought all the time. It was tiring for you. Especially when their competitiveness over you grew, you felt like a toy that was trying to be shared among two toddlers. 

The first sudden realization that you might have feelings for the two men you have grown accustomed to is when Chuuya blatantly told you that he wouldn’t mind if you wanted to be with Dazai and that he would understand. You couldn’t be with either of them because you had fallen for them both. 

Chuuya is relieved when you don’t choose. Even if he wanted you happiness he couldn't bare the idea  of losing two people he cared about. He could still argue that he hated Dazai with a fiery passion but he would be fooling no one. 

Dazai is the first one to suggest a poly relationship as the three of you were lounging on the couch. Your head resting on Dazai’s lap as your legs rested on Chuuya’s. With confusion both you and Chuuya stared at him. You’ve heard the term before but you had no idea how it would work. 

When Dazai explained the fundamentals of a poly relationship, you’re relieved. There was nothing wrong with you. You weren’t selfish or insatiable. Dazai’s proposition felt like a blessing and eased your troubled heart. 

Chuuya on the underhand, still felt confused. He felt that trouble and heartbreak was inevitable in such a relationship. Especially because he had convinced himself Dazai was only suggestion such a thing for your sake. It wasn’t hard to see how you felt about the both of them so to him, it seemed like Dazai was just trying to spare your feelings. When your sparkling eyes landed on Chuuya, he felt as if he had to say yes, for your sake at least. 

Dazai eased Chuuya’s mind when he admitted that he cared for the both of you and that he simply didn’t want to choose. He also added that they practically lived together anyway. This was enough to convince Chuuya but due to Dazai being a part of the Armed Detective Agency they had to keep it a secret. Dazai had no problem with this but both you and Chuuya weren’t really known to be good at being secretive. You were just too impulsive. Besides what if they had to attack the agency, what then? 

But then again, none of you wanted to back down, therefore your relationship began. 

General Relationship:

 Dazai is a brat. He wants everything to go according to his plans. The fact that he’s very good at reading the both of you makes it easy for him to get his way. He doesn’t mind playing minor tricks or manipulation tactics to get you and Chuuya to do stuff you don’t originally want to do. It’s exhausting to constantly trying to understand if Dazai was genuine or just wanted you to do something. Chuuya suggested that he should just kick him in the face as a punishment but you preferred to actually communicate. The two of you sit Dazai down and tell him how awful you and Chuuya had been feeling. He’s shocked at first because he had no idea the issue had gotten that big, but he’s quick to apologize. 

You and Chuuya mostly do the cooking. In fact you’re not going to even take credit, Chuuya is the actual one who cooks. You’re usually there more as an assistant. Since Dazai, for the sake of keeping the relationship off grid, comes home late the meals are usually prepared and waiting for him. Also Dazai tried to cook once, the kitchen caught on fire so Chuuya forbade him to cook ever again. 

Dazai tends to tease the both of you a lot. Whenever the mafia and agency clashes in some way, he says the most inappropriate things and it flusters both of you. In fact, you saw the whole agency looking at Dazai with utter confusion and discomfort whenever he opened his mouth near the two of you. Chuuya ended up strangling Dazai when he got home and honestly, you let it go on more than necessary. 

Unfortunately, since the relationship is secret you can’t really go on outside dates. The three of you stay indoors and your dates would usually consists of binging movies or reading books. The three of you decided to go out on full moons only. Chuuya would prepare a basket filled with you and Dazai’s favorites and would go on a moonlit picnic. 

Chuuya is the jealous one. He hates when anyone so much as glances at you or Dazai. Of course, Dazai loves to play it up a bit especially if he KNOWS Chuuya can’t say anything or else he’ll be in trouble. In the end both you and Dazai shower the redhead with extra affection when the three of you are at home or else he’ll be super cranky for a week. 

Dazai and Chuuya are both very open with their affection. They love to shower you with kisses and hugs. Chuuya especially. Since you and Chuuya work together it’s more easy for him to hold you hand or hug you from behind in the day time. Even if he would never admit it Dazai does get jealous because you two get to spend more time together while in the meanwhile he has to jump through hoops to see the two of you. 

Chuuya smokes when he’s stressed and basically WW3 begins in the house. The two of you hate the smell and want him to stop. 

“It’s just one smoke. It’s not like I smoke all the time.” 

“SMOKING KILLS!”

“OH MY GOD IT’S JUST ONE SMOKE, I’M STRESSED!”

“DON’T TRY THAT CRAP ON ME WE WORK AT THE SAME PLACE!” 

“Look you ALWAYS leave an empty carton of milk in the fridge and don’t get me started on Dazai!”

“What do I do?!” 

“IT’S LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN TRY TO AIM WHEN YOU GO TO THE TOILET!”

When the three of you drink, usually wine, you and Dazai’s favorite thing is to get Chuuya drunk. He gets super clingy and affectionate and downright adorable when he’s drunk. Even with Dazai, Chuuya doesn’t hesitate to sit on his lap and give him a sloppy kiss and mumble how much he likes him. Then he starts to cry because he just loves the two of you so much and in the end he ALWAYS falls asleep on either yours or Dazai’s lap. 

The fact that Chuuya and Dazai are absolute troublemakers you worry constantly. Even if you can keep an eye on Chuuya and make him not fight literally everyone that he sees, there’s really no telling what Dazai is up to. It gets to such a point that you end up crying in secret because the constant fear of losing either of them is just too much for you. When the two men learn of this they console you and decide to come up with a system where Dazai notifies them in every three hours by any means necessary. If he can, he also tries to texts more often.   

While you and Chuuya love to cuddle, Dazai isn’t that much of a fan. Despite that he would entertain the two of you by wrapping his long arms and legs around both of you when you go to bed. You would usually be in the middle whilst Chuuya would be the little spoon. On days where Dazai came back especially late, he would find the two of you huddled up together. His heart would melt at the sight and after giving you and Chuuya a peck on the forehead, he would settle in, pulling you both closer to his body.

NSFW:

Chuuya is the most nervous one among the three of you. Considering his former relationship with Dazai it’s hard for him to let himself be so vulnerable in front of the other. Much to Chuuya’s surprise, Dazai is patient with him and doesn’t do anything that might make him uncomfortable, he does love to tease Chuuya though. At this point teasing his loved ones is pretty much Dazai’s drug. As time passes Chuuya starts to trusts Dazai with his body and needs. 

Dazai just screams dominant energy to you and you’re not mistaken. He would make you beg for his cock and tease you until you started to hump the nearest pillow with saliva dribbling down your mouth. He would want a show to say the least. He would tie Chuuya to a chair with his cock out and ready, then he would fuck you right in front of him, teasing Chuuya as he had his way with you. Asking Chuuya if the view was good, if he liked what he was doing to you, if he wanted to join them. He was also a fan of trying new things and toys as long as the two of you were okay with it. 

Chuuya on the other hand was gentle as gentle could be. He would litter your flushed skin with soft kisses and make you feel like a true goddess. He would like to tease you in his own way. Chuuya would have his way with you in a slow and steady pace, sucking, licking and kissing every inch of your body. In the end you would writhe underneath him, begging him to put his cock in you and just fuck you already.  

Seeing the two men for the first time together makes your cunt drip with want immediately. Dazai is quite tender with Chuuya and the way he slowly works him open with his long fingers and then fucks him is a huge turn on for you. The sight of Chuuya being filled with Dazai’s cock to the brim and the sweet noises of his moaning made you lose control. Your body would move on its own as you nestled yourself between Chuuya’s legs and sucked his hard cock. 

When Dazai and Chuuya get together you are pretty much guaranteed to see stars. You love being filled up by both ends and feeling the two men you absolutely adore inside of you. Dazai would fuck you as you sucked on Chuuya’s cock. Both men groaning and moaning as they had their way with you. Being the one who has no self control Chuuya would wrap your hair around his fingers and started to blatantly fuck your mouth. You would the tip of his cock deep in your throat as you swallowed around him. Not liking to be ignored Dazai would snap his hips faster and harder, making you moan around Chuuya’s length. Your inner walls would clench around Dazai’s cock as you came. The two men would follow suit, both of them filling you up with their delicious cum to the brim. 

[dylanxmin]

painkiller ∣ 5 ∣ j.hs

breakups are habitual, ordinary maybe even easy for some other people, and maybe it could be easy for you, too, if you haven’t been dumped by your boyfriend after finding out that you were pregnant. no, it wasn’t easy even a bit. and a stranger who wants to be your side doesn’t make this all easy for you, at all.

pairing; jung hoseok x reader

genre; angst, fluff, humor, pregnancy au, strangers to lovers au, single!mom au, slice of life au,,

warnings; little high on angst, swearings, mention of abortion, mention of adoption, mention of miscarriage, unedited(rlly sorry about this)

word count; 5k+

rating; nc17

a/n; heyyy, it’s been a month since i last update this story and i only blame my finals, my sudden lost of muse, and some side effects of my life but there it is, freshly served, angsty episode!! ion know how did this come out but im feeling positive for the next episode! so,,,, hope you all enjoy reading this part, and as always, i do really appreciate a little comment soooo... lol, love y’all  ♡

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‘‘Yes, can we have a brief explanation about the story of our current project?’’ 

‘‘Miss Y/N?’’ 

‘‘Y/N?’’ 

Light, red and yellow mixes and crushes down when something hard nudges at your shoulder and brings you the reality. Shake of your body startles Namjoon, who was nudging your shoulder to wake you up. Pairs of eyes currently stares at you, wide, curious and surprised, too, as no one expects you to fall asleep in the middle of an important meeting. But, you did anyway. Surprising yourself with such an action, yet you lost control of your sleep schedule way before this meeting, so you weren’t that ashamed as the sleep still lingers around your head. 

Blinking, blinking, blinking for a couple of times before your vision loses its blur, and the faces look way better to your own eyes. Shock still fresh on their faces, a weird sound rises by your throat as you try to clean it before talking. Namjoon holds his laugh back, but you can see it in the redness of his cheeks and the veins that struggle under his skin. 

‘‘I-’’ you clear your throat, once again as it comes hoarse from sleeping. ‘‘I’m sorry, can you say it again?’’ Mr. Lee stares directly into your eyes, he opens his mouth but closes again. And you know you will try to drown yourself in the sink if the corner of his mouth hasn't curled up. 

You sigh, before he asks again, and listens to your explanation. You try to keep it smooth, and once you start to talk about your work, all the sleep leaves your head, enthusiasm fills it place. 

You love your work. Falling asleep doesn’t mean the opposite. 

‘‘I swear to god if you won’t stop laughing, Kim-’’ 

‘‘But..- but you told the story of our new game, drool drying on your chin, with such an enthusiastic manner.’’ Namjoon’s giggles cut himself, palm hangs in the air, other on his knee. A manager who is in his thirties enjoys his coworkers suffer, laughs his lungs off. Such a mature man. You sigh, hand curled around the cup full of water for you to go to the bathroom after. Countless times. 

Fingertips pinching the tip of your brows, you stand on the kitchen side of your office. Shame still red on your face, you barely able to hold yourself back from either crying or smashing the cup on your friend’s head. Which, you like the last option very much. It’s a shame that you possibly couldn’t do that here. Maybe later, on one of your movie nights. 

‘‘I think it was cute, though.’’ the man in his much more formal clothes rather than his usual sweatpants and his shirt enters the kitchen side. Brown hair brushed neatly on the left side, his features look good. ‘‘Don’t pressure yourself anymore. I’m sure they are used to these things.’’ 

‘‘Thank you for helping my self-reliance to gather itself, but I don’t think it’s that simple, Damien.’’ imitating his smile, even though it’s more faint then he has, you sigh once again. Taking a spot on the table, you let your head fall on it. ‘‘I was literally drooling all over myself. Ugh… such a mess.’’ 

Another laugh escapes by Namjoon’s lips, but he pats your head also. ‘‘Damien is right. You know Jihoon and Yeona will be cool about this.’’ 

You scoff. ‘‘Yeah, but I don’t refer to them by their first names as they are the Ceo’s of this company. Like you,’’ 

‘‘Then you shouldn’t refer to me with my name, too, as I’m your boss.’’ an annoying smirk alive on his mouth, he swipes his body on the table. Gulping down his coffee, his stares never leaves you. Something hot, almost burning coils in your chest. Reminding you red, as you stare at him back. Mouth wrinkled, your breath felt heavy. 

It was anger and you didn’t know how to pressure it back where it came from. Even before your pregnancy, you weren’t good with handling your emotions, but now. With so many hormones not knowing what to do, you were even worse. Sudden crying sessions, constant fury always ready to burst out, and the sneaky, dark anxiety getting you at the worst moment, where you were alone and in the dark. It was hard, and too much. Even before being pregnant, and while being pregnant. You weren’t good with them. 

‘‘You know what, I decide not to cook for you anymore.’’ heartbreak flashes in Namjoon eyes, you crossed your arms over your chest. ‘‘You can buy your own chicken breast from somewhere and eat that shitty sauce.’’ 

‘‘Ouch..’’ Damien who is currently watching the cold vibrations coming from you, stays silent after your gaze lands on him. He is scared, and not ready to be the next target of your stinging tongue. Though, it doesn’t last that long. 

Once you see the tremble of Namjoon’s lips, and his hug follows his sorry’s, your coldness melts away. Shame creeps back, sits heavy as you lower your head on the table. But before you can dive in your bad scenarios in your head, brutal yet familiar bickering starts when Nara enters the kitchen, after she takes her place on the table. Her nose crinkled with disgust while waiting for Namjoon to end his insults, only to throw another to him. Damien tries to cut them off, but it’s useless as he gives up and rests his back on his chair. Hesitant stares gather on you, only to tear them apart while you pretend like you didn’t notice. 

Yet, you don’t want to suffocate yourself with your thoughts, you raise your head, eyes meeting with the brown haired man. Because you don’t and probably can’t break that cold war between your friend and Nara, you find your escape on Damien. 

‘‘So, we have to prepare a meeting for you to put a suit on?’’ cocking your brow high, you ask. His surprise fades after a moment of waiting. Maybe because you aren’t the warmest person or because of the effect of your friends that filled your head with the idea of him having some feelings for you, you never attempt to talk with him first. Not that he isn’t a decent man, but more likely, you weren’t into him and did not want to make a wrong move. For him to get the wrong idea. 

But maybe you are being stupid for believing your delusinal friends about his feelings, and he just wants to be friendly. Though, it’s good to not risk anything, right?

‘‘Suits just not my type, and also, who is wearing these other than him?’’ Damien points Namjoon, who is in a deep, hurtful conversation with your other coworker. You tear your eyes from him to land on Damien once again, his smiling this time. Wide, eyes imitating it. ‘‘Also, doesn’t it hurt your feet? You weren’t wearing heels for a long time.’’ 

After he mentions it, your feet start to pulse with pain. Embarrassment clouded all over your other senses, but his words bring them back. And you wrinkle your face in pain. Of course, it hurts. How it won’t hurt while your feet try to set themselves free by growing bigger inside of its cage and the process isn’t an easy one. Though, these whining are the last thing for your coworker to hear so you simply go with a soft smile. 

‘‘Yeah, a bit but nothing I can’t handle.’’ 

‘‘Oh okay then. Good to hear.’’ he leans closer, eyes gleaming like a child in his pre-mischievous stage. ‘‘Just in case, I have a pair of nice sneakers waiting in my closet. All comfy and less deadly.’’ 

Mirroring the act, you also get close to him. Palm covering the side of your curled mouth, ‘‘I will consider it, but why are you acting like you were selling drugs?’’ whispering the half of your words, you cocked your head aside, watching his face wrinkle due to his growing smile. And seeing him from this side, you realise how good looking he is. Radiant smile adds more point to his charisma as he does, eyes narrow but curls cutely on the ends, and for a second you just stare at his side profile. His spotless skin dips on the cheek as his dimple wants to show off. Thankfully, when he starts to talk the silvery sheet goes away, to your luck. 

‘‘Well, we won’t want other heel wearers to come at my desk for my fancy shoes, right?’’ 

Nodding, you point your finger at him as if he made a good point. ‘‘I see… Of course we wouldn’t want that, of course.’’ 

After the short break, everyone turned in their work the same as you. And you find yourself so tired after talking about the details of the story of your current game with Heejin. Trying to find reliable reasons and motives is hard for some time, as you continue to work on the specific character’s choices in the game, and why and exactly how they should do is sometimes irksome even when you have someone who tries really hard to help you. Yet, you know you can’t put all the weight on Heejin’s shoulders as the poor woman barely had some sleep because of the pre-cold effect. 

When she sneezed for the fourth time in the last five minutes, you had to stop and be sure of her well being. Putting your palm on her clothed arm, you mimicked a smile to look sympathetic rather than annoyed. Even though you were a little bit. Thankfully, she doesn’t have to know that. 

‘‘I know I asked this before but are you sure you are okay? Maybe you should take a rest for the rest of the day. Obviously, you need some.’’ 

She looks hesitant at first, eyes widens at your words but she covers it with a faint smile and nods. ‘‘Oh, I’m okay, I’m okay. You don’t have to worry about me.’’ Heejin bites down her lip before continuing again. ‘‘Did I annoy you? I’m sorry, I just took a pill, so I think that will make me better in a couple of minutes.’’ 

‘‘No, no…’’ pulling your hands in the air, you shake your head in denial. It did bother you but not much for her to apologize for being sick. ‘‘I just wanted to check on you, I’m not… disturbed. It’s okay.’’ 

Your half reassurance works barely, as she tries to lower the voice of her sneezes after that. And everytime, a drip adds to your growing guilt. As Heejin is younger than you for three years, and you have been working here longer than her, it puts some stairs between you two and now with that, you fix the ice between you two. The ice that you have been trying to melt from the first day she was here, and now, thanks to your pregnancy hormones, it started to build once again. Not just with Heejin, but everyone around you was walking on eggshells around you as your rage came out of nowhere, so sudden that sometimes it even shocks you. But for a stupid reason - well, it’s not stupid as you are pregnant and that played with your emotions -, you couldn’t control the sudden change of your feelings. 

One second being calm and the other being tense did tire you for sure as senses flow through every nerve you have. Breathing exercises merely helped, and that led you to staying away from the people around you. As sometimes words come out rude before you can realise. And nobody deserves that kind of attitude, even the ones you know from your childhood. 

For that reason, you turned down Taehyung’s offer to come with you as you know that owing to his nature, he will do something silly to make you angry or stressed even when he does it with all his good intentions. Some days, even when you are in your usual state you can’t stop being bothered by him, and you had no intentions to taste it today. Which, nothing was normal in your current mental state, so that’s for the best. 

Driving past the now familiar streets, you learned a new thing: Driving with a jean without opening its button can be hard, as you have to undo the button while your stomach growls in need. While your stomach become visible, looking like you ate too much for your stomach to handle, sudden thirst for stupid cravings increased day by day. Sadly, it affected your friends as much as you. 

In the middle of night, you woke Yoongi up for him to get you apples, pickles for Taehyung and last but not least, ice cream for Namjoon. As your cravings decide to choose the oddest times, three of them find the solution to fill your fridge until there is no space left. Well, after you sat on your kitchen floor and cried they had to eat some of them with you, as they basically called you fat by doing that, and paid for it. For them, they just wanted to make sure you get what you want but at this point, what they thought barely mattered. 

‘‘Okay, that was tiring.’’ you whispered through your exhale, while parking the car. For the records, parking turned into a hell show for you as going further and back, further and back, further, further and back has your nerves strain like a string. Though, you never liked it anyway. You were ready to leave your car, but the ringtone of your phone cut the act. 

‘‘Hey, mom.’’ 

‘‘Nope. Your voice sounds the same, rather than I thought so.’’ sighing, you brushed your face by your palm. Words like a needle on the skin, your mother always knew how to use them. ‘‘Well don’t ‘ahhh’ at me. As we barely speak, I obviously expect to forget your voice, tell me if I’m wrong.’’ 

Nodding as if she is able to see you through the phone, you put your head on the wheel. She was annoyed as it was very clear by her high and thin tone. 

‘‘Yes, Ma’am.’’ your reply earned another high pitched warning from her so you had to calm her between your giggles. ‘‘Okay, okay… You’re right, Mama. I should call you more but you know work and everything keeps me busy. But I will try my best, promise.’’ 

‘‘Apology accepted. But even though I know you prefer to talk about work, and the video thing you adore talking about, I’m most likely interested in my baby’s baby. So, how’s the pregnancy going?’’ 

This is the exact reason why you didn’t call her more than you did. As she is very interested in your life and interior with it, of course pregnancy will be the same. And you couldn’t ignore the things you can as she will talk about them, will want to know about them and give some advice from her past experiences. Not that you will need any of them, but of course as you postponed everything, you did the same thing to this topic, too, and left your mother in the dark. You will run as far as you can. 

‘‘They called games, not video thing but it’s your choice.’’ while thinking of it itched your tongue, you swallowed all the tensing thoughts down, and ready yourself to talk. ‘‘And the… pregnancy is going good if we don’t count the constant eating, peeing, crying, being tired twenty-four-seven, not fitting in my favorite clothes and all the pain it put me through.’’ 

She laughs as if you just told the funniest joke she heard. Cocking your brows, you run through what you said to make her laugh this much to fail. 

‘‘Ohhh, my baby. Stop talking about this as the things are all bad. You have a baby in your belly, your baby. They will become your everything, and mostly good things because you will love them more than anything you can. Believe me, I could die in return for your laugh. A bubbly, vivid laugh. Ahh… remembering it made me soft, right now.’’ 

‘‘Trying to be unbiased about gender, I see?’’ 

‘‘Well, I don’t want to affect the baby.’’ 

Though you want so bad to ask how that could actually affect the baby, you stay silent. All the baby talk is already pulling you down, it is better if you can stay out of the gender topic as much as you can. Not that it mattered, you thought. 

‘‘What do you mean? Why it wouldn’t matter darling?’’ 

Huh? 

Clearly, you weren’t thinking, but murmuring under your breath as your mom heard it. When you hit your head on the wheel, the horn startles you both. Fixing your posture, you answered your mother’s hurried question. 

‘‘It was horn, I’m in the car. Yes, yes I’m okay, don’t worry. I’m at the hospital- No, no- Mom, for the appointment. Yes… yes, for the baby. I will talk to you later, okay? I will call, I promise- Yes, I promise. Okay, love you, too.’’ 

You sigh once again. A loud one. 

You do hate lying to the woman who would do anything you want, but you know she is not ready to lose her grandchild, yet. You are not ready for the speech you will receive, also. Not that it will be harsh or critical, you just are not ready to accept the whole thing. Yes, you still had problems with the whole pregnancy thing even though you made your mind with adoption. You still had thirty weeks to go, and that won’t go fast. Not in a normal time, or in the pregnancy. 

Head full of blurring thoughts, you missed the man who shakes his hand from afar. The black haired man’s smile faded as you passed by his side without sparing a glance. Too busy with thinking how to calm your mother after you give her the news. The news that she won’t have a grandchild anytime soon. Fuck… that’s gonna be hard. 

Well, maybe not hard as much as the door you decide to welcome it with your face rather than opening. A loud thud, and muffled curse under your breath, instinctively you checked your nose if there is more than the pain you feel, as there is no blood you calm down, shoulders drop their usual place. Apparently, you were conscious enough to lead yourself to the floor where your doctor’s office, past the stairs, and find his door but when it comes to open the door you fail. Tears sit on your eyelids at once as you close them due to the pain that crushes your sight. Trying to massage your nose bridge barely helps but giving it a try won’t hurt, you think. 

‘‘Oh my, are you okay?’’ from your closed and blurred eyesight, you can’t choose who is the one talking but his voice lets you know that he is your doctor, Seokjin. ‘‘I heard a loud thug but couldn’t understand it was a human until you groaned. Are you okay, you bumped your nose? Let me get a look at that.’’ 

Not forgetting to thank him while he guides you inside his office, now you are able to open your eyes and set the tears free as they go down. Seokjin sits you on the white sheeted chair, handles your head to go right and left as he scans your face and nose behind creased eyes. He looks really concerned, more than you, and somehow it puts you on a stage where you feel like you have to make him sure that you were okay and nothing was wrong. It still feels weird when someone gets concerned over you more than yourself, as who would care for someone more than one’s self so it’s still vague. 

‘‘I-I’m actually okay. I didn’t hit that hard as it sounds, it doesn’t even bleed so…’’ wry smile is all you offer him as your voice trails down when his eyes meet with yours, a bit keen rather than you thought they will. 

Seokjin sighs with a line between his brows but he lets go, and when he puts a decent distance between you and himself, professionalism settles in his features as he adjusts his tie. 

‘‘It does look okay, but make sure you put some ice when you can as it could leave a bruise behind.’’ he smiles, both sweet and very technically. As he practiced it for every client he had and now performing it without any difficulties. It looks natural. ‘‘So, tell me how are you feeling? You should still have the early pregnancy symptoms such as morning sickness, sleep issues, and more likely they will hang around for a few more weeks. But it’s more important if you have a symptom that comes unnatural or unbearably painful for you?’’ 

After taking two deep breaths, you feel ready to give him a reply. Nose still throbs by the hit but it’s faint now. 

‘‘Uhm…- yeah, other than the ‘expected’ symptoms, I don’t feel like something is wrong, or not supposed to happen. No more painful urination, though I still need it frequently.’’ you grimace lightly as you share, shifting a bit. ‘‘But yeah, I’m okay.’’ you try to wipe the fresh embarrassment with the non glowing smile you had in your storage. Probably he should but you still don’t know if he needs to know that you choose adoption. As he is your doctor, and the one who is taking care of you and the baby, you know that he must know about it, but unpleasant eerie stops you from doing what you should.  

Old habits die hard, that’s for sure. 

‘‘Excellent. It’s good to hear that everything is going on it’s way, and today, as now you are in the tenth week of your pregnancy, I’m recommending you a genetic test in case there is any birth defect.’’ 

‘‘What is that?’’ even though Seokjin was done with talking, you utter so fast that it feels like you interrupted him, as you shut your mouth with wrinkled brows. It was just getting tiring day by day with all of these tests, things to do and not to do, being extra careful because you have another living creature in you to take care, more than yourself. No more selfish, damaging, stupid choices can be done as your body no longer belonged to you. At least not only to you and this was really, really tiresome. 

As he was expecting this, Seokjin comes up with some papers as you can understand them. ‘‘As I said before, it’s a test to acknowledge any kind of defect in the baby. These tests take two forms: screening tests and diagnostic tests. And a screening test tells you the likelihood that your baby could have a birth defect; a diagnostic test tells you with more than ninety nine percent certainty whether the baby has the disorder.’’ He explains more as you take the papers from him, scanning the words but they are almost identical as Seokjin continues with his further explanation. The blank eerie gets heavier and heavier the further he talks, and when he comes to the risks, it feels like your pulse palpitates on your throat. Tearing your eyes from the papers that sit on your lap, you stare at the man who is still talking. 

‘‘There is small risk of miscarriage, that’s why you need to carefully consider tha advantages and the disadvantages of these test before you make any decision, even it’s small.’’ 

A slap to the face, a weight falls on your stomach after Seokjin is done with his statement. Mouth hangs open, you stay still, silent as the Doctor waits patiently, now he is behind his desk, sitting his hands intertwined. As if he knows the new information would put a heavy dullness in you as he searches your every movement, yet you gave him hardly any. 

‘‘Do I… have to?’’ 

The idea of taking these tests would be tiring is there but the cause of your nausea is not just that. More likely, it’s the idea of losing something. Even though that something doesn’t belong to you because you never wanted it, and nothing has changed since then. Whether it's the guilt of knowing everything caused because of your recklessness, or it’s because you feel obligated to give the baby a good life due to your current maternal instincts - you hardly say you had one -, whether it’s beside you or far away from you, you feel the suffocating necessity. Even if the risk has one percent chance, you can’t take it. Maybe it’s odd to push your one percent chance to become free with the back of a hand, but that would be running away, and both of you already had one runner in your lives, and the baby wouldn’t need another. 

‘‘I know it sounds scary but you can take your time, you don’t have to do it now. You can search it a bit more about the cons and pros but I never had any problems with my former clients if you need any consolation. And you can always ask for me more.’’ 

Chewing your bottom lip, you still look at him in the eye like you need to give him an answer. You do trust your doctor but that doesn’t mean that you purposely rejected the idea of getting abortion while you deal with an unwanted pregnancy only to come across with a risk of miscarriage. Of course it is always there whether you do the test or not, but that's nearly a consolation. 

Nodding, you put all the papers in your bag before leaving the doctor’s office. Biding your goodbyes after ending with this week control. 

You come to the hospital with a dazed head, and you were going to leave it even more wrecked. But you just needed some air, somewhere to ease the wave of emotions that is going through your head. To catch your breath, you adjust your route to the cafeteria in the outdoors. Maybe, that could help you somehow. 

Not temporarily, but taking fresh air in your lungs somehow helped you. The phone call you had with Taehyung while you were at the verge of tears, too, and you sit in the cafeteria during all of these. Mimicking the doctor's words to your friend and Taehyung had listened to you, hang on your every word as much as he can on the other side of the line. Tried to console you, said that things will be alright and nothing bad will happen as if he was as sure as his name. And momentarily, you believed him. Both because you needed it, and he was being a good friend and you didn’t want him to feel useless. 

For good or ill, now, your heart is resting in ease. 

Well at least it was until you see a glimpse of dark uniform in the corner of the wall, and then a familiar face you haven’t seen in a while. A smile that softly shaped as heart, causing your heart to palpitate fast but in a much different way than the news you learned today, or the idea of your mother's future disappointment. It’s more thrilling and in a way even scarier than the other two options. As the opposite of how familiar the face is, the reason for your heart going this insane was abrupt. Even odd when you think the very less time you spent with the owner of the familiar face, yet it was there, forcing you to gulp down, consume every emotion he forced you to feel. 

Contrary to what you expect - and you didn’t know why you were expecting him to be happy after seeing you - his face falls, the shape of heart shutters around his mouth. And to your shock, it put needles somewhere near to your chest. 

The last time you saw him, the atmosphere was intense as you shared things that normally you wouldn’t do with a partially stranger but with him even though feelings were gloomy, you weren’t uneasy. And to you, when he was consoling you, internalizing what you were telling him, he wasn’t disturbed. At least he didn't look like that. But, the more you size him up, the more you get sure of his strange disturbance. And it did burn. Smoke choked you down, and put tears on your eyes. Fucking pregnancy hormones…

Not aware of your action, you caught your hand in the air, in the middle of a shake as Hoseok greeted you by the tiny bow of his head. And expecting more cutted harsly, as a knife in the gut. 

Whether it’s because of your blind act, or whether he feels obligated, Hoseok comes closer to the table you were sitting, leaving the person behind he was talking to before he saw you. With every step, you breathe another air to gather your confidence a bit high, but it’s useless as your hands start to tremble under the table, fortunately away from his sight. 

‘‘H-hi,’’ no matter how much Hoseok tries to sound friendly, it’s not, and you can hear in his voice as it comes out broken. His eyes are still deep and candid but not glowing the way it fascinated you when you first saw him. Still, you greeted him with a tight smile, wave of your hand small. 

‘‘Take a seat-’’ pointing the available chair, you cut yourself to say something else. To correct your words. ‘‘I mean if you want… of course,’’ 

To your surprise, he holds the chair to adjust for him to sit on. But everything feels so forced and awkward that you can’t stop wondering if you said something to him and cause him to feel uncomfortable around you. Your brain works so hard to scan the memories of that day, but you fail to find something so disturbing to make Hoseok shift in his seat, a line between his brows and a noticeably insincere smile. 

It takes minutes for someone to talk first and scare the clouds away only for a moment. 

‘‘Are you waiting for your appointment or has it already finished?’’ 

‘‘Ah, yeah, it’s done. I just needed to take a moment and fresh air because…’’ your voice eventually trailed off as you realised he just asked to look friendly and probably doesn’t want to hear your whelming emotions anymore. ‘‘of stuffs, you know.’’ 

Hoseok nods, his mouth thin as a line, and even though it shouldn’t, it breaks your heart. Yes, this man owes you nothing, and of course he doesn’t have to sit there and listen to how sorry and depressed you feel over the things doctor Seokjin have told you, but it still hurts to see him this… joyless. The curiosity burns deep and wild as you desperately want to know what the hell you did to make him this anxious, but your mind barely helps as you wander in the empty field. 

‘‘I should probably get going-’’ 

‘‘It’s been a while-’’

Words clashing and drowning one another, silence takes over and Hoseok abruptly stops above his chair as he was about to leave before you parted him. And now he looks at you with wide eyes, fear in his chest growing big as your bottom lip trembles for only a second but he catches it. 

He sits back on his seat with hands on the air. ‘‘Oh, yeah, it’s been a while since we last saw each other.’’ he says but you know it’s out of pity, and you would rather die than crumbling under his gaze. So you shake your head with a false smile, though hammers work in your chest. 

‘‘Ah, don’t mind me. Go ahead, you are probably busy and have so much to do. So, you can leave, seriously.’’ 

‘‘No-, no, no, Y/N. I’m sorry, I want to stay and talk to you, really. I really am sorry for acting rude.’’ 

Maybe because the look on his face, or the warm tone of his voice, you decide not to pressure him to leave after you ask if he really wants it for a second time. But he nods and smiles, and this time it reaches his eyes, a hot pink blossoms in you. 

Though, before either of you can say anything, a touch at your back stops you. You hear the breathy voice before you turn your head. ‘‘Ahh, finally I found... you. Care to explain why you are-...not picking your phone?’’ 

And when you turn over, you see a panthing Yoongi. His hand on his knee and looks at you with concerned gaze. Then, they leave you only to land on the man on the other side of the table, and Yoongi’s eyes go wide. 

He extends his hand in a non-moving shake to the air. ‘‘Oh, hi. Sorry to butt in.’’ he stretches his hand towards him, the ghost of a smile appears on his lips. ‘‘It’s Yoongi,’’ 

Voice deep, and it takes long to draw out when the man in dark uniform mirrors the act. ‘‘Hoseok.’’ 

[estrxlar]

The Ghost Of You

01 - You’re Familiar

This chapters songs:

Daughter Of A Cop; TV Girl

I Hope To Be Around; Men I Trust

Weird Fishes/Arpeggi; Radiohead

—

— Y. L. Perspective

My breath got louder and louder each second I ran. With my bento box hitting my hips, bag tossing around, and my skirt flying up, there was no way things could get any worse.

But luckily just around the corner, I spotted students climbing onto it, which made my feet run even faster.

Near late on my first day? Damn, Y/n, way to start your year.

   Just then, I heard the sharp hiss of the engine, sending me faster towards the vehicle than I had been pacing myself before. But still, the driver was ignorant, obviously not caring how much I needed this. It wasn't like my parents would take me anyways.

"WAIT..! PLEASE WAIT!" I started on the side of the bus, running side to side with the wheels. After a few seconds of loud disruption, it finally stopped. The break was hard, and students inside were heard making remarks of protest.

Sure, I felt bad for the people who had to get a brake check, but I on the other hand was completely out of breath and near dead. Couldn't they spare me?

"I'm, I'm so.. I'm so sorry I.." My breath is short, and loud while I breathe in and out, trying my best to try and explain my tardiness to the driver. He simply sighs, gesturing for me to seat myself already.

While I stumbled down the aisle, I received a few weird glances from fellow students. Some familiar and some new. I couldn't tell if it was because of my reputation, or because I looked like a hot mess. Either way, it was too early in the morning for one to give a damn. And so, I seat myself next to another student, finally resting from the marathon I had just run.

I sighed, rolling my head back, and placed my fingers on my temples. 'I probably look like a mess right now.' I thought, letting out a huge sigh. Once I sat my fingers back down onto my lap, I observed more of the people I was surrounded by.

Some third years I was familiar with, a few that wouldn't dare speak to me, and some that were strangers. Other second and first years I didn't know at all; throughout high school, I thought it'd be best to stay hidden and introverted, especially if I were to become popular in the music industry. Lots of young stars still went to school, and usually got dirt easily thrown onto their title and that's exactly what I would avoid this year.

Bringing me back to reality, I capture a peek coming from the boy I was seated next to. He had fluffy gray hair and seemed just as tired as me. But the bus was so dark, I couldn't completely make out his features.

"Something wrong?" I said to him.

He jumped a little, adjusting his eyes back down to his phone. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to stare. I just- I think I know you from somewhere."

"Lots of people know me, buddy—" I lifted my head, facing him. 'Hey, this guy does pretty familiar. But there's no way I'd forget a face like his. Then again, I have the memory of an 80-year-old woman.' I think to myself, examining his features in an awkward mood.

"Wow, it is you. (Y/n), it's been quite a while!" He smiled widely, reaching a hand out to me. I only froze, too confused to comprehend the situation. "You have no idea how glad I am to see you're doing well!"

"I-Im sorry?" I question, wondering why a stranger would confront me this way. But something was off— I knew him, I just couldn't remember where from. Maybe from previous classes, or from a concert?

He turns slightly, growing a smile on his pale face. "I was trying to figure out if it was you or not, but it is! It's great to see you're better. How are you?"

"Who are you?" I ask back, a bit frightened.

"Uhm, well, I sat next to you in math class during my first year. Remember? I was a little ditzy, kind of annoying, I never shut up about volleyball..?" He asks, hoping to get a hint of nostalgia. "Come on, you've gotta recognize me, right?"

"Wait, Sugawara!" My finger jumps out, pointing to his sitting figure. "I'm sorry I couldn't recognize you! It sure has been quite a while. But I definitely remember you, now! You were one of the people who talked to me during my first year.. thanks for that. Anyways, how've you been?"

"I think that's my line, L/n." Suga pats my shoulder, then places his hand onto his lap. "You've changed so much! I've gotta know how you're doing!"

"I-I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing in your perspective, but thanks anyway. I've been doing just fine." I explain before a yawn escapes my mouth. Sure, this conversation was energetic, but I certainly wasn't.

"Again, so very sorry for being so forgetful. I don't remember much from first year, especially not anything in math, but I sure do recognize you now." I say, hoping my rudeness from before wouldn't have any effect on how he viewed me. Not that I cared, of course.

Luckily, Sugawara was forgiving that day. With a wide grin, he replies, "No need to apologize. People change drastically during high school; we're no exceptions. Although, I would've enjoyed being mutuals with you throughout most of it! I wonder why I haven't seen you around until today... I believe the last time we had talked was around the last day of first year."

"Yeah, we didn't have any classes together. If we had, I'm sure we would have stirred up a discussion. You seem very kind. " I gently smile, rubbing the nape of my neck. I tend to forget any bad memories, and the beginning of high school sure was a fat one.

"What a shame, you too seem wonderful.." He comments, gazing towards me for a split second, before reverting his focus. "A-anyways, it's a bit of a surprise I saw you here. Have you always ridden the bus? I usually take it in the mornings as well."

"I've actually just moved into this neighborhood. My parents work more hours than ever, so they decided it's best if I'm closer to school so that I can get to school and back quickly." I explain, tapping the sage green bento in my lap, before setting it on my side.

Sugawara nods, understanding the circumstances. "That makes sense. I'm sure you'll enjoy it now that you've got a friend in the neighborhood. Although, a girl like you must be quite familiar, right?"

'Is that intended to be disrespectful, or am I just tripping?' I think to myself, asking him to spell out the meaning of that remark. "I'm sorry, what? A girl like me?"

"Oh, crap! I didn't mean that to sound rude— I meant because of your band! I understand you guys are the talk around school, considering you're getting pretty popular in the field."

A sigh of relief leaves my lips, preparatory to my correction. "Oh, my band. I'm not sure I necessarily make friends, more like connections and acquaintances. Only a couple of students know about the band, and usually just the down-low ones. But enough about me, what about you, hm? I assume still volleyball obsessed."

I had obviously steered in the wrong direction with our conversation, for Suga's aura quickly altered at the mention of the sport. "Eh, I'm not as excited about it as I used to be." He says, along with a hint of dissatisfaction in his raspy voice.

"No way. What happened to cheerful Sugawara who asked me, the lamest, to join the girls' team?" I ask, hoping a bit of that childish personality was still inside the older version of Suga. The one which was taller, more masculine, more of a man than before.

"Honestly, can't tell you. 'Teams has been a mess ever since I've joined." He leans back in his seat, stretching his arms out, before placing them around his neck from behind. "We're hanging on my a very thin thread."

"Dang, that really sucks. You never know, things can always turn out better." I say, doing as he did, and resting against the leather seats.

"Yeah, of course. I guess it's pretty hard to keep going after so many fails, haha." A sad chuckle leaves his mouth, as he sighs.

"Anyway, nice talking. I'm outta take a quick power nap; I barely got sleep last night. Mind waking me up when we get to school?"

"Yeah, of course," Sugawara replies. With that, I'm left with laying music in my ears like always, and nodded off to slumber.

—

"Hey, sleepyhead. We're at school," I hear someone say, feeling a tap of a cold finger on my nose. Almost immediately, I shoot up from my position, standing directly above Sugawara while students leave the bus with their bags, having loud discussions of excitement. Was there anything more embarrassing than falling asleep on someone who ghosted you as a friend?

"Dear God, I'm terribly sorry." I panic, brushing down my blue skirt. "That happens on rides, it was a mistake."

"Oh, it's no big deal! Don't worry—" Suga chuckles, standing up from sitting. But before I could let him talk anymore, I started making my way towards the exit of the bus.

"Uhm, I've gotta go! Great talking, though. I'll catch you later, have a good day," I mumble, before frantically leaving the vehicle. 'What a morning.'

— K. S. Perspective

Before I could grant Y/n a polite goodbye, she'd disappeared in just a few seconds. But even so, the measly to,e I'd discussed with her was quite enjoyable. I couldn't believe how much she'd changed.

Long ago, the beginning of high school, Y/n was the type of girl you could barely see, as if she were invisible. I think the only reason I ever even noticed her was because we were seated next to each other in math class, and she immediately caught my attention. But thank goodness I had at least tried making an effort to talk to her, or else we wouldn't have had our conversation this morning. But it wasn't her fault she was so gloomy; supposedly she had lost someone close to her the year before.

Although our talk was brief, it still meant a lot to me. Especially since I was informed that she was finally happy. Looking down at the seat she used, there was a small box with a handle at the top, and a few anime stickers covering it.

'Is this what was making that loud tapping noise on the way here?' I asked myself, examining the box more. Small initials marked 'Y.L.' We're at the bottom, informing me it was Y/n's. At first, I considered handing it to our bus driver, but for the few years I've known him I learned he doesn't return lost things. And so, I leave the bus with it in my hands, ready to start my morning.

"Suga!" I hear a familiar voice call out to me. Looking up, I see my friend, Daichi, and another fellow behind him, Tanaka. The two of them jog towards me, with their scarfs unfolding in the wind. Both I had met in volleyball, and they've been my buddies ever since.

"Hey, Sugawara!" Tanaka exclaims, roughly slapping my back. The bento tosses in my hands, thankfully not spilling onto the floor. Unfortunately, he notices the box and snatches it right out of my hold. "Wow, feeling a bit girly, are we?"

I laugh in response, quickly taking it back. "It's not mine, it belongs to the person who sat next to me today. Hopefully, if I see her again I can give return it."

"Hopefully?" Daichi teases, as we all begin our walk towards the school doors. "Do you know her name?"

"Yeah, her name's Y/n. Know her?"

He lights up at the mention of their name, replying "Oh, I know her! That girl you never shut up about I in first year, correct?"

"Ha, yeah."

Tanaka doesn't understand, digging deeper into the situation. "What?! I've never known good ole' Suga to genuinely have feelings for a girl, unless it was some fling."

"I don't! I used to. There's a difference." I say, as we enter the building.

"If she rides your bus, then why don't you just give it to the driver? She'll probably go looking for it later at the end of the day. That is unless you wanna see her again.." Daichi teases me.

"You see, I would. But the bus driver is sort of a thief, and this girl has had a rough morning as it is. I just wanna be nice." I explain to him. Though a part of me did want to see her again and hope that we could talk longer than we did before.

"Sure you do," Tanaka says, patting our backs. "Listen, this is my stop. I'll catch you guys at practice?"

"Sure thing, bye." We say our farewells, and make our way towards the third-year halls. "What about you, Daichi? Got anything exciting happening this hour?"

"If stressing about volleyball counts, then yes! Most definitely.." He says, clearing his throat. "Watch, like, two people show up."

"Actually, Kiyoko informed us in the group chat that we've got at least four! That's better than last year, right?" I try my best to cheer him up, but it only made him even more nervous. I couldn't blame him. Too much was even more of a burden, but too little was a disappointment and would leave us exactly where we left off.

"It's okay, Suga. I have a lot of faith in our team. I know it's been rough lately, but as long as we try our best, we'll work this out." Daichi smiles, turning towards a separate hallway than mine. "I'm off to homeroom. See you later!"

"Yeah, see ya!" I'm left by myself, giving me more time to focus on what should happen today. - 1st, I have to go through each class and say hi to a couple of familiars, and hopefully not see anyone I've had a conflict with.

- 2nd, I had to give Y/ns bento back to them, but that could only happen if we happened to have a class with each other before, or if we had the same lunch.

- 3rd, volleyball tryouts were this afternoon. I had to make sure and represent myself as a role model, and make it clear I was vice-captain. I wanted nothing more than for the new players to feel safe.

But internally, I knew none of those plans would work out. Especially if I wasn't focused on them. Currently, all I could think about was Y/n, and how refreshing it felt to be around her again. When I was first around her was at the same time when things in my life started to fall apart, and my little crush on her made me feel better about it all. I guess you could say she was my comfort corner, even if she talked to me only once or twice during the week. And sometimes on her bad days, I would be able to at least get a laugh out of her, even if it meant making a complete fool out of myself.

All I wanted was for her not to harm herself or feel lonely, which took a quick turn towards me once the year had ended. Not only had my thing for her end, but my family soon fell apart after my mother had passed away. Of course, I still had my responsibilities like volleyball club and helping my younger sister and my father get through it. But it seemed that everyone would do their own thing, so I did the same. And for a while, I was lonely and didn't cope with the loss very well. Just like Y/n, I distanced myself.

This went on throughout my entire second year of high school, while she on the other hand started to get her life together. She started her band, made and covered a couple of songs, and finally healed from her hard year. Honestly, I didn't even really believe that she was in such a good state, but I was proven wrong today. Ultimately, she truly inspired me to pick myself up and start fresh. And now that she popped up so suddenly, I was back to square one.

'It's been a while, Y/n'

—

HEYYY SHAWTYYYS.

Give me notes.

SO, I've finally rewritten the first chapter of my fanfiction!! It took a while, but I did it. If you didn't know, I started this story about eight months ago, and I had no writing experience. Now that I'm reaching the climax of this story, I decided I should edit the chapter, especially since they sucked ass! Nothing much was changed, just far more detailing and extra feelings.

Overall, thanks so much for reading the first chapter. Please vote if you enjoyed it!! It helps others know that it's worth reading. And if not, no worries. Thanks anyways. I love you all so much!

- your friendly Suga simp

[haledamage]

Epiphany

Continuation of this prompt here. Can be found all together on AO3 here.

@queen-scribbles and @rannadylin this is your fault :P

Darling, Kai thought, for at least the hundredth time. What was I thinking? Am I flirting with Rekke? Have I always been flirting with Rekke? It would be a little dramatic to say she was panicking about the idea that she’d been flirting with him for months and hadn’t realized it, but to say that she was alarmed by the idea would perhaps be an understatement.

It wasn’t like she didn’t find him attractive, of course. She was reserved, but she wasn’t blind; it hadn’t escaped her notice that she always felt a little warmer when he smiled at her, or that she sought his company more often than might be considered proper. But there was a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them. When had one become the other?

“Cap, all due respect,” Serafen grumbled from where he half-leaned, half-lay against a bench in the dimly-lit ship’s hold they found themselves in, “but if you don' find somethin' else t' think about, I'm liable t' mutiny.”

Kai glared in his direction, but since his eyes weren’t open it was lost on him. “If you don't like what I'm thinking about, stop listening.”

“Wish it were that easy.” He opened one eye just long enough to give her a sour look. “I wouldn' be confounded if the lad can hear you mooning over ‘im from ‘ere.”

“I’m not mooning.”

“Course y’ain’t,” he said. “An’ I’m the fuckin’ May Queen.”

“An honor to make your acquaintance, your majesty,” Kai said dryly.

Serafen didn’t take the hint and stop talking, unfortunately, but he never did. “There ain’t no shame in wantin’ to find a bit o' comfort in a pretty lad.” He smiled at her, all teeth. “And your lad be mighty pretty.”

“That's not… it isn't… we aren't…” She scowled as if it would somehow make her more eloquent. “I think you've got the wrong idea.”

“Protest all you want, Cap.” He chuckled and tapped his temple. “I can see what's in your head.”

“Well, stay out of it,” she snapped. Without another word, she turned to walk away. She didn’t get very far, the hold small enough to feel crowded even with only five people in it.

“What is all the yelling about, I say?” Tekēhu stood near the doorway, the tallest part of the hold. Even still he had to bend down awkwardly to keep from scraping his head on the rough wooden ceiling. The look he gave her told her plainly that he knew exactly what the yelling was about, but wanted her to answer anyway.

“Oh, you know,” Kai said, voice still a little sharp in annoyance. “I said something to Rekke before we left and now I'm rethinking every conversation I've ever had with him for clues to how I ended up here. As one does, I suppose.”

Tekēhu laughed, the sound seeming to echo in the small space. “Ekera, you are as bad as he is, Captain.”

She stared at him, startled and confused and intrigued in equal parts. “What do you mean by--” she cut herself off, shaking her head, “no. No. I don't want to know. I don't have time for this. Stop meddling.”

“As you say, Captain,” he said, still amused.

Kai stormed away from him too, toward the other end of the boat. It was a short walk. Can’t a woman have an epiphany in peace?

She sat on a bench next to Ydwin and the Devil of Caroc, who were both silently glaring at nothing in particular and basically ignoring each other. “Are either of you going to try to give me advice?”

“No.” Ydwin said, sounding mostly bored.

The Devil added in a hollow voice, “We don’t care.”

“Good.” Kai sat back, letting her head thunk onto the side of the boat. She couldn’t hear anything beyond it, not even the ocean. “Thank you for coming along, Devil.”

The Devil of Caroc made a motion that was probably supposed to be a shrug, metal shoulder jerking stiffly. “Got nowhere better to be. And I still owe you.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes. I do.” Devil finally looked at her then. For all that her face couldn’t show emotion, she was obviously rolling her eyes. “It ain’t up to you what debts I do or don’t pay, Kiki.”

“Eyes up, Cap,” Serafen called suddenly. His eyes glowed a deep blue-violet. “Looks like them assassins took th’ bait after all.”

Kai closed her eyes and took a deep breath, forcing her ruminations about Rekke out of her thoughts and reaching out with her senses. She could feel the minds of her companions, each as different mentally as they were physically, and above them on the deck of their boat, eight unfamiliar figures with minds full of suspicion and violence.

When she opened her eyes again, they flickered with violet fire. Next to her, Ydwin’s eyes glowed as well, a cold lavender. “Tekēhu,” she said, both aloud and in their minds, “if you would be so kind as to get the door for our guests.”

-------

The hatch opened and Xoti stuck her head below deck of the Defiant. Her hood mostly obscured her face, but did nothing to hide the enthusiasm in her voice. “Hey, Rekke, you busy? Edér and I were just gonna get some shoppin’ done, you wanna come with us? Watcher said you were on babysitting duty.”

From somewhere behind her on the deck of the ship came Edér’s voice, tired and annoyed. “I’m gonna tell you what I told Kiki: I don’t need a damn babysitter.”

Xoti disappeared for a moment, but Rekke could still hear her easily enough. “It ain’t up to you. Unless you wanna be the one to tell Kai you got yourself killed because you were too stubborn to use the buddy system.” There was a quiet clank, like a tiny, bossy priestess had just poked an armored farmer in the chest. “And you can be damn sure I’d keep your soul in the lantern long enough for her to yell at you about it.” She reappeared in the open hatch, smiling once more. “So whaddya say?”

Rekke chuckled, already reaching for his sword and armor. “Ta. Yes. How can I say no, when you put it this way?”

“Alright, c’mon then. Daylight’s burnin’.”

It was a relatively quiet day in the marketplace, just busy enough to keep the three of them on guard but not quite enough that someone could sneak through the crowd to catch them unaware. Rekke took the opportunity to think back to his conversation with Kai before she left on her hunt, as he’d been doing for most of the day.

He should have probably been embarrassed by how much he dwelt on how it felt to have her in his arms for that brief moment, how her hair smelled like woodsmoke, how tiny she was. The Watcher was larger than life, hunter of gods and saver of worlds; it was easy to forget sometimes that the elf behind the grand title was so small, so delicate.

Mostly, he thought of the look she gave him right before she left. Surprise and then panic, as if he had said something wrong… or she had.

Xoti elbowed him in the arm, bringing him out of his reverie. “Somethin’ on your mind, darlin’?”

“That!” he said, too loudly. Xoti looked at him like he’d grown a second head. He ignored it. “That word. What does it mean?”

“Darlin’?”

“Ta! Kiki called me that before she left.” On Xoti’s other side, Rekke saw Edér turn and look their way, suddenly interested in the conversation. “She seemed… upset. Or confused. She left very quickly.”

“Oh.” A sly smile spread across the priestess’s face, like she knew something he didn’t; he suspected that was very likely true. “Well, it’s a term of endearment. Like a… a pet name, I guess. Like ‘honey’ or ‘sweetheart’ or…” she paused, but she couldn’t think of any others offhand. “It’s not one I hear her use much. She mostly just calls everyone ‘dear’ like she’s some sweet old lady or somethin’.”

“Yukag? So it is a good thing?”

“Yes, I’d say so. Dunno why she’d be confused by it, though.” She thought about it for a minute, then shrugged. “Might wanna talk to her about it when she gets back.”

“I agree,” Rekke said slowly, mind already wandering. Trying to figure Kai out was like trying to work a puzzle while blindfolded. He knew all the pieces were there, he just couldn’t see how they fit together yet. Lucky for him he enjoyed a challenge.

“You and Kiki’ve been spending a lot of time together lately, huh?” Edér said suddenly, dragging Rekke out of his thoughts once more. The soldier stared at him like he was trying to read his mind. Rekke didn’t think he actually had that ability, but he couldn’t be sure.

“I suppose that is true, ta,” he said carefully. He had a feeling that if he said the wrong thing here, it could mean bad things for him. Still, he couldn’t help adding, a small smile spreading over his face, “She says that I make her laugh. I like to make her laugh.”

“Uh-huh.” Edér didn’t look like he liked that answer. He sighed and scratched at his beard. “Just… be careful, alright? She’s been through a lot the last few years. I don’t want to see her get hurt.”

Rekke tilted his head curiously. He knew that Edér and Kai were as close as family; if he didn’t know better, this sounded a lot like the ‘break her heart and I’ll kill you’ speech - if perhaps a little less threatening than he’d heard it in the past. He liked the idea that he and Kiki were close enough to elicit such a warning. “I think you misunderstand. We are friends. She only sees me as a friend. That is all.”

“Is that all you see her as?” Edér waited for an answer, but Rekke didn’t say anything. He also made no effort to stop either the blush blooming across his cheeks or the besotted grin on his lips. Again, Edér said, “Uh-huh. Just remember what I said.”

“I will. Thank you, Edér.” He didn’t know why he thanked him, but it felt like the right thing to say.

“Hey,” Xoti called from a few steps ahead of them. She had her sickle in her hand. “Do y’all remember when you said you didn’t need a babysitter? Did you tell your assassins that?”

-------

“I suppose it was too much to ask that we’d lure their leader out here and be done with it all.” Kai sifted through the meager belongings they’d found on the assassins. There wasn’t much more than a handful of coins, a single sheet of paper, the writing on it smudged into illegibility, and eight crude, wooden human effigies, one found in each of the assassins pockets. Just what she’d been afraid of. She shoved all of it into her bag.

“Probably. At least they told you where to find him. Sort of.” The Devil of Caroc glanced warily over her shoulder at Serafen. She didn't like ciphers even on a good day, but the mindhunter's little show of power had clearly made her nervous. “Want me to take care of it?”

“Tempting, but no.” Kai always felt guilty sending Devil out to do her dirty work for her, though she’d never tell her that. Just because the construct said she wanted to do so didn’t mean she should keep taking advantage. “I’ll take care of it myself. I’ve got a few questions for him.” Quietly, she added, “But thank you.”

The Devil did that jerky, stiff shrug again. “Ain’t no brass off my back either way. Got to see the ocean and kill a bunch of people on it. You’ve sent me on worse jobs.”

“You could stay with us, you know.” Kai knew she shouldn’t say it, but she always did.

Devil shook her head. “Don’t ask. You know what my answer is.”

“I know. But the offer stands.”

“I know.” The Devil of Caroc started walking away. She stopped on the edge of the boat and lifted a hand in her version of a friendly wave. “See you around, Kiki. You know where to find me.��� Without another word, she stepped off the side of the boat and sank below the waves.

Kai shook her head, chuckling to herself. The Devil did love her dramatic exits.

Serafen leaned over the edge, staring down into the depths as if he expected to see a bronze construct swim by. “Well, she was charmin', if you like ‘em cranky and rusted.”

“What’s her story?” Ydwin asked, something that almost resembled curiosity in her voice.

“Not mine to tell.” She tried not to feel too smug about the hint of annoyance on Ydwin’s face and turned to start setting the sails and getting the ship moving again. “Come on. Let’s go home. Looks like we’ll have to finish this hunt another day.”

The return trip was quiet and uneventful. The whole trip had been, really. As far as assassins go, these were barely professionals. The only problem was how many of them there were, but they'd take care of that next.

Kai hoped things were just as uneventful back with the Defiant. The idea that she'd gone hunting for the hunters only to have one sneak around while her back was turned made her uneasy. Better not to think about it, or else she'd drive herself mad before they made it back home.

She sighed. Was it too early to try to get some sleep? They'd travelled light, so she had nothing on board to keep herself entertained while they sailed; she wished she'd brought a book or something.

“He's a good lad, y'know,” Serafen said suddenly, because apparently the fight wasn’t enough to get his mind on a different subject. “Your stowaway. Weird, but which of us ain't.”

“Serafen, stay out of my head,” Kai snapped, sharper than intended. She knew his meddling was well-intentioned, but she had enough well-meaning would-be brothers trying to give her advice. She didn’t need another one.

He shrugged and laid back on his bench again, looking for all the world like he was sleeping. Kai knew better. “Weren't in your head, Cap. Don't take no mind reader to know you're thinkin’ ‘bout ‘im. Cipher as strong as you should know how t’ hide her thoughts better anyhow.”

“I can hide my thoughts just fine, thank you. Just not from you, for some reason.” She had very good mental shields, in fact; the problem was that, since Serafen had no formal cipher training, he had ways of seeing around them that she didn’t know how to compensate for. “And I wasn't thinking about him. I was thinking about sleeping.” She knew it would have happened sooner or later, though, as it had been with alarming frequency.

“Don't see what you're so bothered ‘bout,” Serafen said, answering her thoughts as if she’d said them aloud. “He obviously fancies you. Always has done. If you weren’ so fuckin’ uptight, ‘e might’ve already told y’ so.”

She thought about denying that she was uptight, but she was too self-aware for that. Instead, she just said, “Well, that's certainly news to me.”

“He's always flirtin’ with you.”

“So are you.” She shrugged. “Doesn't mean anything.”

“Heh. It could've.”

“You don't have a single romantic bone in your body.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them.

Serafen, predictably, grinned at her. “Just the one, aye.”

“Charming,” she said sourly, but she smiled in spite of herself. She looked away from him at the others, but Tekēhu was above deck and Ydwin could have been either sleeping or dead as still as she was. There was nowhere she could go to escape this conversation.

“Life be short, Cap,” he said, tone unexpectedly somber. “Even when you live as long as elves do. Ain't no point wastin’ time on 'someday'.”

Kai looked back at him, surprised, but he still looked like he wasn’t even paying attention, lazy and half-asleep. “That's… unexpectedly wise, coming from you.”

The seriousness in his voice was gone just like that, replaced with another sharp-toothed grin. “I be full of surprises. I'm willin’ t’ share a few others, if you ask real nice.”

She scoffed. “I ought to set you on fire.”

“You’re the one that has t’ live with the burnt fur smell,” Serafen said, chuckling when she scoffed again.

-------

“Captain on deck!”

Rekke quickly tried to look casual, like he hadn’t been waiting anxiously since the crew had first spotted the boat that Kai and her team had taken. He picked up a book from a nearby shelf and started thumbing through it. He recognized the sound of her boots on the deck above, steps measured and purposeful, and then a moment later she strode through the open hatch and down the stairs. She spared him a quick glance before turning to Edér and tossing something toward him. He scrambled to catch it before it hit him in the head.

“Skaenites,” Kai said, as if it explained everything. Maybe to her and Edér it did. “It’s your Skaenites again.”

“I guess I should have expected that,” Edér said, looking at whatever she’d thrown at him. He rubbed a hand over his chin in thought. “I’d hoped they wouldn’t follow me all the way out here.”

Kai smiled, but it didn’t look the least bit friendly. “Lucky for us they’re as ineffectual as they are stubborn.”

Edér sighed. He dropped the mysterious object onto his bunk. “God of resentment and covert plots. If they’d given up, they wouldn’t be good Skaenites, would they?”

“I guess…” Kai ran her fingers through her messy mane of curls, leaving them messier. “But assassins? I’d expect that more from Magranites. Or Galawain’s hunters, maybe.”

“Piss off a lot of Magranites, Kiki?”

“Just the one.” Her smile widened, triumphant, and Edér chuckled like she’d said something funny. “Right, well, we should have a couple days reprieve before they send more. Long enough to resupply.” She poked Edér in the chest. “You don’t go anywhere alone for a little while. Xoti told me about the market.”

“Of course she did,” Edér grumbled, but he didn’t argue.

“Oh please.” She poked him in the chest again, but less forcefully. Rekke was reminded abruptly of his sister. “Like you’ve ever been able to keep a secret from me.”

Edér put his hands on Kai’s shoulders and lowered his voice. “Kiki, you don’t need to do all this. It’s my mess, not yours.”

“No. That isn’t how this works, my dear.” Edér was going to have a bruise from being poked in the chest even with all that armor, if Kai and Xoti had anything to say about it. “You carried my empty husk halfway around the world to get my soul back, the least I can do is protect you from territorial Skaenites.”

Edér hugged her and she froze before hugging him back. Rekke looked back down at his book, trying not to intrude on what felt like a private moment. He heard a whispered exchange between the Watcher and the farmer, but tried not to pay attention to it.

“Your book is upside down.”

“Ta. I find them more interesting this way.” He looked up and there she was, smelling like fire and sunlight and the sea and looking at him a bit like he was a crazy person. “Hello, Kiki.”

“Hello, darling.” Her cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink. “Xoti tells me you had an interesting day at the market yesterday.”

“Did we? We bought some fruit, we fought some assassins, Edér found another cat. Another beautiful day in Neketaka.” He set the book down, presumably on a table or bunk but he didn’t look to see where it ended up. “I wish it rained less here. It makes my hair…” he paused, but he couldn’t think of the Aedyran word, “eshibiz.”

Kai laughed, bright and warm. “Indeed. That’s a good word for it.” She looked like she wanted to say something else but she didn’t, an unfamiliar hesitance in the set of her shoulders, the way she absentmindedly rubbed her palms together, nothing like the cool, confident woman he had come to know.

Shy. She looked shy. Rekke didn’t know she knew how.

He took a step forward and reached out to her, resting his hand on the curve of her shoulder, just wanting to stop the overthinking he could see behind her eyes. She looked up at him, surprised and momentarily unguarded, and in a rush, he said, “Take me with you next time.” He wasn’t sure if he’d said it in Aedyran or Seki. Maybe both.

Kai raised an eyebrow at him, amused at the demand in his voice, but she looked more like herself, less lost. “I intend to. I know better than to leave you to entertain yourself for too long. You’ll end up doing something… how was it you phrased it? Something noble or stupid.”

Rekke blushed at the way her eyes followed the scar across his face when she said that. She looked like she wanted to touch it. He wished she would, but she kept her hands firmly to herself, contained and controlled as she always was. “I am very good at noble and stupid. Mostly the second one. I am told it makes me charming.”

“That’s one word for it, I guess,” she said with a smirk.

“You do not find me charming, Kiki?” She blushed scarlet all the way to the tips of her ears and he grinned wickedly. “I will have to try harder then, ta?”

She stared at him, searching his face, though for what he didn’t know. He just kept smiling at her and slowly she started to smile back.

Above deck, someone called “Captain!” and Kai took two large steps back. She drew herself up to her full height, such as it was. It was like watching her put her armor back on; Rekke couldn’t recall when exactly she’d taken it off. “I should go,” she said quietly.

“Gigideb ke tahun. I did not mean to keep you from your work.”

Rekke watched her closely as she walked away, then listened until he couldn’t hear her footsteps anymore. Only then did he collapse back against the side of the ship, running his hands over his hair. He made no effort to stop the smitten smile he wore.

He became aware of eyes on him, and turned to find Serafen sitting at one of the tables in the mess hall, staring at him through the open door. He stared back for a moment, but the orlan didn’t so much as blink. He called out, “Ku? Is there a problem?”

“That remains to be seen, lad. You tell me.” Serafen didn’t wait for an answer, though, just walked away, leaving Rekke confused and feeling like he was being judged for something he hadn’t done. He shrugged the thought away and left to find something to occupy his time.

[mysmedrabbles]

Broken - [Yoongi x BPD!Reader]

requested: by @edgythiccboi (request is pictured above)

a/n: long overdue and with about the most rough drafts ive ever written for something, its finally here! i hope you enjoy and it takes your mind off of some of the hurt from your past and present. know that the whole of the bpd/ptsd community knows what you're going through and supports you (even though we're all just a bunch of bamboozled and 3dgy kids)

warnings: quite realistic description of a bpd episode, tiny self harm mention, some splitting, self deprecation (it ends in fluff i promise)

-ghost mod alex

-hollowed lungs took struggling breaths in the condensed room, steam and water droplets covering every surface like a disease, a disease from which you could not get away from. you sat on the edge of the bathtub, wheezing into seemingly nothing, chest heaving as you strained against invisible bonds, tying you to the tub, restraining you in your own mind, a prisoner of war against your past.

-a familiar pounding in your head clouded your thoughts, and you could feel yourself spiraling through various personas, each personality you'd tailored for everyone in your life; it hurt too much, it felt like you were being pulled in a hundred different directions.

-who were you today? the bubbly friendly girl in the back of the class? the dark, almost suspiciously angry person, hiding in the shadows? maybe just a quick witted friend, always there with a funny rebuttal, making everyone laugh but yourself. what was the point of "being yourself," and "living life," when you didn't even know who that person was? that person you could have grown into died that day, the day,,, the day it happened. 

-you'd been lucky enough to have survived, to live to today, but what was the point of it all really? 

-you stared at your shaking hands, and for a second you see blood, draining you of your life as all you can do is sit there and watch; but you blink and its gone, only a thin white line serving as a memory. 

-you'd promised him you'd never hurt yourself again, and a part of you knew that you should call to him, for he was only in the other room, no doubt writing another extraordinary song. he was always so smart, so sure of himself and an absolute genius. it wasn't an exaggeration when people complimented him on his music, it came naturally to him, he had a passion and he pursued it. 

-unlike you.

-who were you but a stain on his life? he'd be better off without you anyway. 

-a wave of rage came over you, and all you could see was red, red red red. How dare he not notice how in pain you were, not be here to comfort you and take care? Did he not care? was it all just a joke to him? did he even...did he even love you?

-you felt yourself spiraling further, physically bending over to the point of pain, the muscles in your lower back stretched from the lack of support. tears had started to pool in your open hands, and staring at them blankly you were only vaguely aware of choked sobs reaching out the doorway, small whimpers mixed in with cries as you tried to feel anything beside the pain.

-a small knock distracts you, cautious and questioning, and you know immediately that its yoongi. yoongi your sweet angel, the one who always made you laugh when you were feeling down, played card games with you when you needed a distraction, sung to you when you couldn't sleep, kissed your tears away no matter how many times they fell. you didn't say anything, rather let him open the door himself to see you sitting there hunched over, looking up at him with puffy eyes. 

-he assessed the damage first, scanning the bathroom for anything sharp, any blood or a wad of suspiciously thick toilet paper shoved forcibly into the trash can. upon seeing nothing of the sort his eyes soften, seeing you in your fragile state. he never thought anything less of you, in fact he always thought you were so brave to be alive, to still be fighting after all you'd been through. you were a pair of survivors, people who bonded not only over trivial things like favourite band and your shared humor, but the experiences the two of you had gone through added an extra layer of understanding to the relationship.

-he sits next to you quietly, letting you take a breath before speaking, his voice softer than usual, and yet still with edges of his usual roughness, but he's kind. He looks at you, and you can tell it's taking him all of his energy to not to reach to your face, wiping away your tears and holding you in a tight embrace. he knew the drill, and his main priority was your comfort. 

- "can I hug you?" 

-it's a small thing, but it's enough to bring you back to tears as you nod shyly, too afraid to speak. you close your eyes and you can feel his arms wrap around you, holding you securely close to his chest, steady rhythm of his heart beating against your own chest like a metronome. steady, present, there. he's whispering tiny comforts to you, affirmations of his love and your worth, that everything was going to be okay. you lean into his touch, closing your eyes hesitantly as your head falls on his shoulder, hiding in the crook of his neck. 

-he smells fresh, faint smell of laundry detergent intermingled with his pine shampoo, and something else; he smells like home, the smooth cotton of his plain black shirt on his thin frame under your fingers just adding to the notion of comfort, and your own sobs cant help but die down, calming under his soothing presence. you start registering his voice, his hand tracing soothing circles on your upper back.

- "it's okay," you hear him say, "you're going to be okay. it's over now baby, nothing can hurt you.. i love you so much... i wont let anything bad happen to you.. it's okay... you're going to be okay..."

-his voice drills a hole in your chest, striking a cord and unable to get it out as you struggle to catch your breath. He pulls away, making sure you see where his hands are clearly before cupping your cheeks, stroking away any stray tears. he examines your face soundlessly, giving you a chance to speak if you so choose. you study him right back; he looks tired, like he hadn't slept in a while, soft hair a very definitely natural shade of silver. He saw you revisiting the dark circles under his eyes with your own, and as if reading your thoughts he replies, "work has been a bit long, nothing else princess."

-you open your mouth to make a counterclaim, but he cuts you off gently, "I promise," he says, and yet you struggle to believe him.

-a small pause settles over the two of you, and you could see his sincerity in his words, mirrored by the gaze that falls upon you. sweet kind yoongi with his easily irritable self and cutting humor, his stoic side and his adorable smile which you swear could light rooms.

-did you really deserve him? how could someone as amazing as him be in love with someone like you? Even as you began to speak, you could already feel the guilt washing over you, shame at the notion of manipulation as you asked, 

-“Why do you love me?”

-yoongi smiles, just the tiniest bit as he pulls you closer to him, kissing your forehead, taking your hand in his before responding, “why do i love you? ah well thats a complicated question with too many answers,” he looks at you, hoping to notice a change in your expression, but seeing no results he presses on, “I love you because you’re you, because you get up every morning and face the world even though its told you repeatedly to stand down,” he brushes a stray hair behind your ear as he goes on, carefully as to not set you off in some way, “I love you because even though you’re characterized by a mental illness thats seen as horrible and dark you constantly show up with your brightest smile and kindness in hand, and theres never been a day where being by your side hasn’t been a gift. I love you because of the way you’re attentive, how kind you are to complete strangers, your smile when you think no ones looking. the way you doodle in the corners of my lyrics sheet and fall asleep next to me at the studio when im up late working.”

-he shifts, fully facing you, tilting your chin up so you’re looking him directly in the eyes, piercing into your soul, trying to bring back any piece of hope you have to the surface, “I love you because theres that insatiable force pulling us together,” he playfully tugs on your arm, earning a teary chuckle from you as you look away, feeling the tears start up again. damn him and his talent with words.

-he’s just saying that because you asked him that

-your brain, a genius

-guilt courses through you at his words, a stab to the heart marred by the sweet tone of lies. this was manipulation. great. you’d manipulated your way to validation was an excellent girlfriend you were, truly inspiring. You feel the headache start up again, but yoongi catches you, placing his hands firmly where your shoulders connect to your neck, seriousness overcoming him as he cuts off your thoughts, sword at the ready, “I’m a logical person y/n, you know this, you say this to me all the time, and I wouldn’t have said any of this if it weren't true.”

-he searches your expression for anything, a twitch or a change, and is surprised to have you curl up in his arms, burying your face in his chest as you breathe for seemingly the first time since the conversation started, letting a full sigh as you try to clear your head, willing to pay anything to just believe his words. yoongi pulls away, hand running softly through your hair as he admires you. he slowly leans in for a small kiss, not passionate, leading to nothing, but just a kiss to let you know he’s there, and he’s not going anywhere and for now, just knowing he’s here is enough

-after what seems like forever of him holding you, the rim of the tub digging into your thighs, he presses a gentle kiss on your temple, intertwining your fingers with his before he stands up, extending his free arm to help you up. “come on princess, lets go to sleep,” is all he says.

[voidselfshipp]

Lonely toucan.

Tommy had recently let me in his small community, I had my own little house to live in, well me , and my dog missy, a Manchester terrier.

And then I met his brother , Joel, he uh.

He was fucking cute, thats what he was.

So, y'know like, those love at first sight bullcrap?, yeah, not so much bullshit now, he and his daughter Ellie,were quite the pair, the kid got on joels nerves playfully, it kind of reminded me of me and my siblings, who were on their way here.

One day however, we needed supplies, ammo, scrap for bombs and traps, there were Many searching parties, one of them was Joel, ellie and me.

My feet drag on the ground, missy was leading the way, long and tall buildings touched the blue Sky,birds Chirped and the place was clear from infected.

-So jerico is it?- ellie asks, wanting to start a conversation- whats your story?-

-Well, im from Argentina, came here before the infection with my siblings , for opportunities, And well, then hell breaks loose and we managed to survive, I at least, left my parents behind , there wasnt much for me back there -

-oh...-the kid says-and your parents?do you know what happened to them?-

-Well, they Passed away after a couple of months after I moved here, so now they are in a better place...i wanna think at least-

And meanwhile Joel was silent , serious expression barely making any sound.

Missy halts and barks, there is a store a couple of meters away, I signal her to come here with me and i scoop her up,just in case we need to bail out.

The shop had a couple of ammo boxes and such, but mostly barren.

-How did you get missy?- Ellie inquires again while searching in a box.

-She was a rescue, after a couple of months of wandering I found her alone on a pet shop, I was astonished when I found her alive, weak but alive, me and my siblings nursed her back to health, and now she is here with me, my loyal companion -

-She is a cute one, isnt she Joel- I kneel down for Ellie to pet her, my dog barks and jumps out off my arms into Joel, licking his face and barking happily when he pets her.

-She likes you-I say,grabbing missy by her leash-come on girl, down, down- the terrier backs off and sits-I saw a room with a shit load of stuff, but equally filled with spores I have no mask-

-We'll go-Joel says, god his voice.

-Oh look!, he talks- I say, sitting with missy, he snorts and shakes his head,I catch a glimpse of a smirk - ill stay here and scan the place, If something comes ill knock on the door-They enter the room, and I just wait, petting missy-you liked Him, dontcha chica?-(girl) she barks and snuggles closer- that makes two of Us.

Meanwhile, Joel and Ellie wander trough the room.

-i saw you smirk, you never smirk with people you just met,whats up with that?-the kid asks.

-Whats up with that?, she has charm,you have to laugh at her comment, shes funny-the Man tries to dismiss the question, but there was truth in there , she was charismatic, and funny, clever even.

-And now you compliment her?, dude ,you totally have a crush on her-

-c'mon Ellie we just met-

-love at first sight is a thing-

Joel groans and both Get out of there , there was a couple of useful things, they all re Group and show what they found.

As they make their way out something stops them, missy grunts, a horde of infected are closing in, too Many to face.

So they run,jeri scoops her dog up and bolts as fast as she can, they enter a departament complex, they barricade Everything they can and sit,waiting.

Vía radio , Joel tells Tom what happened,reinforcements Will come in a bit.

Missy lays down with Joel who is catching his breath.

Jerico finds an ukelele, she hesitates but tunes it as silent as she possibly can, still, they were really far up, and the walls were thick.

-Whats that?- ellie asks.

-A ukelele, Like a mini guitar-she is done tuning it - I wrote a song, its crappy, but y'know , Something to kill the time, also to be noted, I am a hopeless romantic-

-You wrote a song with that thing?-ellie asks, pointing at the ukelele.

-Yeah-jerico nodds

-can I hear it?,please?pleaaase?- the kid pleads

Jeri quickly eyes Joel, who Is sleeping .

-Fine, but not too loud, your oldman is sleeping-

-he is not my dad-

-yeah whatever-both chuckle and jeri starts to play-Oh trough this still waters I flew, my feet barely hitting the surface.

Then I saw you, standing there, I loved every bit of it, oh , to be your River, to flow undisturbed, loving you all the way trough.

But im just a lonely toucan,a silent night owl, that longs to be something else with you.

Oh to be your River, and flow undisturbed, I love you with every ounce of my being, oh to be your River...-

-Thats...too cheesy, you werent kidding about being a hopeless romantic-jerico rolls her eyes- who is it about anyway?- ellie asks, then the older woman looks over to Joel-oh shit , well, I am going to take some fresh air, god, you are too cheesy-

Jeri chuckles and nodds.

She keeps playing unaware of Joel listening to her

--Oh to be your River,flowing trough the storms, with every ounce of my being, my heart sings along.

And even if youre rough, ill Keep flying along, to get to the waterfall.

Oh to be your River, and happily flowing along.

Oh to be your River, and flow with your love-

She is talking about him, he is the only person inside the room that she could have pointed at.

His heart flutters warmly.

Damn this crush of his.

Why does she gotta be so perfect?.

He shifts and she stops playing, then he feels soft fabric cover him, it smelt like leather, did she covered him with her jacket?.

Missy lays her body on Joel and snuggles closer.

He smiles.

-I Knew you were awake!- jerico says-Open your eyes, youre not fooling anyone-

Joel chuckles and looks at her.

-You got me- he doesnt move tho, petting missy's Head-she is really beautiful, Like you-

Jeri's cheeks burn red and looks away.

-Uh t thank you-

They Keep a comfortable silence until missy stands up and sits on the womans lap,demanding attention.

-What did you use to work,before all of this?- Joel drapes jericos jacket on her back again, she smiles at the gesture and signals him to sit close to her.

-i used to work as an animator for a company,my dreamjob really-

-what a shame, I bet you would have exceed at it -

-Heh,i Like to think the same-

Her head falls on joels shoulder, she yawns.

-didnt sleep enough last night?- the Man asks as his arm sneaks his way around her neck she snuggles closer.

-My sleep schedule is fucked-

Joel catches a glimpse of Ellie spying on them Gently peeking over a door, he waves her off and she smirks.

-sleep, you Will need it-

-But what if--

-Sleep now ,ill protect you-

Jerico nodds blushing and snuggles closer to Joel.

Eventually reinforcements arrive.

Back at toms safehouse, jeri is preparing to sleep , snuggling into her covers, herself brought them all the way here, they had the faint smell of vainilla.

A sudden movement made her jump, its Joel.

-You dumbass you scared the living crap out of me!-

Joel chuckles and hands her the ukelele.

-you lost this-

-oh thanks-she says calming down- god im so tired, but I cant sleep-

-want me to lay down with you?-

-Dude , I dont want to bother or seem like a child-she sighs- i just feel unsafe alone..-

The mans face contorns with empathy and kicks off his shoes.

-Make space, c'mon-

Jerico wasnt going to Argue, she lays down,leaving space for Joel to lay down,his arms hug her waist with her back against his chest.

He was warm, they snuggle under the covers , And missy lays down on the edge of the bed where their feet are.

- y'know-jeri says- when I was a teen, I tought that love was bull crap, a few lucky ones could enjoy it, and I was heartbroken,and I just carried this with me, just loneliness, then I saw you and god, I was just smitten-she sighs and turns her head to him-what im saying is....I have a crush on you....-

Joel is taken back but he snuggles closer, whispering a me too into her ear before kissing her, she kisses back and a trail of kisses goes down her neck.

She turns her head back again and smiles.

He hides his face on the crook of her neck and sighs in content.

They both can take a bit of time off, Togheter,just them, nothing else exists.

A sweet and soft 'I love you'loosens from the Mans lips before they crash into a well deserved And very needed slumber.

Even the apocalypse had good things.

[Fin]

:3

[theres-no-paradise]

Sorry not Sorry

Chapter 10

Summary:  A random number wakes you up early on a Saturday morning. But it doesn’t stop there. The stranger keeps on sending messages, and you have no idea what is happening, when you start to develop feelings for the unknown person.

Pairings: Tom Holland  x Reader [submit your name: How it works]

Y/N your Name Y/F your Friend

Word Count:  2289

Warnings: none (just a little use of alcohol and making out but thats it lol)

A/N: THERE MIGHT BE MAJOR GRAMMAR MISTAKES - please tell me if you find them, I’m a little tired. You are also allowed to dislike me for waiting so long. I deserve it I guess. But motivation lost me and then I’ve been hella busy and kinda didn’t find my way back to this ff. But here we are with a new chapter. I wanted it to be a little longer BUT the stuff that happens after this chapter would kinda break the mood of this one. Also I’m sorry what I made you do in this one. Don’t be offended. :’D I hope you enjoy!

Chapter 1  •  Chapter 2  •  Chapter 3  •  Chapter 4  •  Chapter 5  •  Chapter 6  •  Chapter 7  •  Chapter 8 • Chapter 9 

The Spiderman: What’s going on in London town?

 You: Not much. Im going out with Y/F

The Spiderman: Oh, fun night out!!

You: More like: She’s getting wasted and I’m being a babysitter

The Spiderman: Sounds a little like Haz…

You: lol we should hook them up

The Spiderman: absolutely haha

You: How’s work?

The Spiderman: Exhausting but fun! We’re on a little break now.

You: Don’t overwork Mr. Holland

The Spiderman: I’ll do my best 

You: Good. I gotta go now. Y/F just arrived ttyl 

The Spiderman: text me when you get home so I know you’re safe.

You: I try not to forget!

The Spiderman: You better do

Going to clubs with your friend happened quite frequently the past few weeks. Usually you were the person to stay in but dancing was quite fun and as long as your friend wouldn't get extremely wasted, you had a good time nonetheless.

One evening you were sitting in your favourite pub, having some beers before the actual night out. It was a nice and relaxing atmosphere but that would change soon once the partygoers would get their pre-drinks.

“Did you know that Tom and Zendaya are a thing?”, Y/F suddenly asked, throwing you off from your previous topic about work. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“It’s been on the internet for a while now”

“So? I’ve known him already when the rumours spread. He would've told me”, you countered.

“Not sure. He’s an actor after all. If he doesn't want it to be public-”

“I don't believe in these rumours”

“He even flies to LA regularly”

“Yeah… He’s an actor, as you said. And in LA are all the studios, of course he flies out there.

“Just don't get too attached.”

“I won't!”

Suddenly the mood dropped and you girls had no proper topic to talk about. “Shall we head to the Club?”, you threw in and Y/F answered: “Yeah.”

 That night something happened, which you didn't plan in the first place. Something, you wouldn't even think of planning any day. Y/F’s words still repeated themselves in your mind and trying to get rid of them, you drank. You drank a lot and without realising it, you ended up being utterly wasted. Alone in the crowd, you danced to the loud music banging from the speakers, not caring about the people around you, moving with you. At some point, you didn't know when, a stranger approached you, but you couldn't care less, you just kept on dancing. Your vision was blurry and you only enjoyed the music. With the alcohol in your blood, you did things that you didn't mean to do. Once the guy who danced with you, put his lips on yours, you just couldn't stop. The kiss became more intense and the guy, whose name you didn't even know, dragged you out of the club.

You didn’t remember much after that.

The strong headache was the first thing that woke you up the next morning. You were disoriented, not having any idea where you were at first. The guy from last night lay still next to you so you crawled out of the bed as quiet as possible. Trying to find your clothes was a real struggle. His place was a mess and everything was laying around and it made it harder for you to find your stuff. Once you gathered all of it, you threw it all on and left the place as fast as possible, not leaving a message at all.

Sitting on the tube in the early morning, reality slowly hit you. Not only did you sleep with a guy you didn't even know, you felt like shit. Not because of the drunk accident but more because of Tom. Even though you weren’t dating, you felt regret wash over your body. Obviously a sign that it was a mistake what has happened last night. The walk of shame, after a crazy night out, became the walk of horror for you. Barely any people were on the tube, so there weren't many sneaking looks but the moment you phone started buzzing, you knew immediately what was going to happen.

The Spiderman: Guess who just landed in London.

 Nausea struck you immediately. Did he tell you before that he planned to come home? You scrolled up the whole conversation, no sign of any mention of home. Slowly gulping down that lump that has formed in your throat, you typed in the response.

 You: No way you're in London?

The Spiderman: Actually yes. It’s my mom's birthday, wanna join?

You: I don't know. I don't even know her, isnt that weird?

The Spiderman: Not at all. My mom’s easy going

You: Okay…

The Spiderman: It's gonna be at their place, 7pm. Want me to pick you up?

You: No its cool. I’ll be at the train station

The Spiderman: Can't wait!

You: See you

The Spiderman: xx

 The feeling in your guts could've been described as awful. Just some horrible, unnecessary feeling building up inside of you.

As you approached your station, you left the train and walked the long way back home. Thinking about how you’re gonna meet Tom later, not sure if you should tell him what you did.

Maybe you shouldn't tell him what happened? You were not dating anyway so is it his business to know who you slept with? Well, yes if you are romantically involved with him, but are you? You ask yourself a thousand questions, not knowing the answer for it. Asking Y/F for advice was not a good idea either, not only because she might also have a hangover, but after last night's conversation she wasn't really fond of helping you with Tom anyway.

You spent the day laying on your sofa, drinking tons of water and eating some cheeky Nandos from around the corner. You still felt awful about what has happened the night before and you even tried to think about what happened. You didn't remember a thing, only that some random guy kissed you and dragged you to his place. What happened after was a blackout. You couldn't recall anything, that has happened in his sheets and that made it even worse.

‘Maybe nothing happened and I’m overreacting’, you thought, trying to calm yourself down. Unfortunately it didn't work and you rolled around on your sofa, blanky nearly falling off of you.

Checking the clock you realized, it was getting late. You stood up quickly and pulled out some clothes. Luckily you took a shower once you came back home after the walk of shame in your neighbourhood. Now it was time for some decent clothes. You pulled out a dark jeans and a nice dark grey Sweater, which you pulled over a white shirt. It looked casual enough for a ‘parent - birthday - party’, you thought.

When you arrived at the train station, with flowers you just got earlier for his mom, you could see Tom standing on the platform with Tess, just as the last time he picked you up.

“Hey”, you greeted him, pulling him into a tight hug. “It’s been ages”, he said, once he pulled back, taking in your figure. “You look pretty”, “likewise, handsome”, you countered, smiling slightly. As you slowly walked to his parents house, you caught up on recent events which you haven't talked on the mobile.

“Oh, I got you something”, Tom said suddenly, opening his backpack and taking out a little, dark red Box. “Why do you have a bag with you?”, you wondered, as he held the little package into your direction. “Presents for mom”, he answered smiling and pulled the zipper closed. While he did that, you stared at the little box in your hands. “Open it!”, he laughed, having a very demanding tone in it.

You did as you’ve been told and once the box was open, a little beaver with way too big teeth grinned at you. It was holding a little plate in its hands, saying Montreal on it. “You got me something from Canada?”, you asked surprised. “I told you I would”, he grinned, running his hand through his hair nervously. “You didn’t have to-”, “I know, but I did”, Tom countered and smiled. You thanked him and suddenly that terrible feeling in your stomach was back, signalling you of the mistake you made last night. Should you tell him or keep it to yourself? You weren't sure and the worst about this situation was: Your friends words still lingered in your mind, waiting to be spoken out.

 Nikki’s Party was better, than you originally imagined. Of course, there were many people that were a lot older than you but Tom and his brothers had been great hosts. They hung out with you, joked around and played silly games. Of course, there was some alcohol too but you tried to keep it to a minimum. A wine here and there maybe. After a few hours, around two in the morning, Tom decided that it was time to go home. You said your goodbyes to the family and friends and left with the Actor. “I’ll check if there's a bus coming”, you said, trying to figure out the app on your phone that had all the details in it.

“Leave it. I’m not gonna let you drive home at this time of the night.” “I’m not a child, Tom”, you said sternly, as you scrolled with your finger on the display. Tom just pulled your phone out of your hands and walked away with it. Leaving you stunned for a second. “Hey!”, you shouted after him and followed his figure, but he decided to take up the pace and ran away. “You son of a-”, you didn't say it out loud but sprinted after him as fast as you could, only to accept the fact, that this spider boy was way faster than you. As you arrived in front of his door, holding your sides because of having the stitches, he grinned at you, giving back the mobile device.

“You’re staying here, I dont want someone to kidnap you”, Tom explained, as he opened his door and let you walk in. Annoyed at his behaviour, you walked in and got rid of your shoes, walking to the living room. Sitting down on the couch, you looked around. Nothing has changed since the last time. A little more merch here and there (Obviously Spiderman Stuff duh) but other than that, same old living room.

Tom came over with two beers in his hand, joining you on the sofa. The night wasn’t over yet, you knew that. It basically just started for you too, but hoped to not get as drunk as the night before. As time went by, you kept talking with Tom about all the things, that annoyed you at work the past few weeks. And even he’d complain about certain days, when nothing would've worked for him at all. Just as you were telling him about some differences with your best friend, you didn't mention what she said. Just that you wouldn't agree with her opinion. Tom listened closely but laid down on the sofa, his head resting on your lap. You felt your cheeks heat up a little at this sudden change of position but kept on telling him all the things. When you finished complaining, a warm feeling in your stomach grew, pushing aside all the negativity from the day.

“Can I kiss you?”

 Well, that was unexpected. And even worse, it came out of your mouth. Tom only giggled slightly at your outburst, which made you insecure, so you tried to save the situation. “I’m so sorry, that was rude. It's the alcohol and I know that you have a girlfriend and-” you stopped suddenly when Tom shifted positions and sat across from you again. “Why would you think that?”, he asked, voice filled with concern.

“Uhm, the internet is all over with it?”

“Z? We’re friends! She’s like family to me”, Tom explained, a serious expression on his face while he looked at you. “Really?”, your voice wasn't more than a whisper. “Positive. So… Didn't you want to kiss me?”, Tom joked, a smug expression on his face. Oh this boy definitely had a drink too much tonight, you could tell.

You really wanted to kiss him though, but something kept you back and as you were struggling to find the courage, Tom took the opportunity and kissed you first instead. Usually a kiss like that would end after a moment, checking each others reactions out but this wasn't the case. The innocent kiss became an endless make out session which lasted more than just a few minutes.

At some point your mind started to scream, telling you to stop, which unfortunately lead to an end of this wonderful experience.

“I slept with someone”, you blurted out as Tom was trying to recollect his thoughts. It took him a little to think about your words but then, to your surprise, he just shook it off. “Yeah, I guess that happens when your single”

“I didn't mean to though. It felt wrong”

“Why?”

“Because of you, I guess”

There was tension in the air and the sudden silence felt heavy on your shoulders. Was he mad?

“I admit, I’m a little jealous that someone else got a taste of that sweet bum of yours”, Oh alcohol, you thought but couldn't help and laugh at his words. “We surely can change that”, were your last words, before you kissed Tom again with a big smile on your lips.

The enormous guilt you were struggling about was over for now, and you let your thoughts spin back to Tom and his lips.

Taglist:   @hollandorks  @hollywoodgonzalez @ilivefortomholland @casualprincess77 @agirlwithpointlessideas @isabellamozarella03 @MENDES-HOLLAND @thiswildfire @wastedheartnat @hollandbaby @moonofmy-life @smileylaurens @random-fandom-lady @heartoftheadventure @blackazkaban @augurydemon @homecomjng @punkass-potato @unfoldingdaydreams @thefriendlyneighborhoodspidey @rivedale @tiffanypooh@claraholland @tohollandback @letsmcflytobritain

[yuichiroswife]

Happy Valentine’s Day~!

//I wanna say a big happy Valentine’s Day to everyone who follows my blog~! It really means a lot to me that so many of you have stuck by me through both good times and bad times. So many of you have supported me from the very start, while others are just beginning to join. Honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever had so many friends in my life and I can’t tell you just how happy it makes me. I’m in tears as we speak. So I just thought it would be nice to wish everyone a lovely holiday. I’m also gonna tag a few of my partners/friends/family that I wanna specifically wish a happy Valentine’s day. So without further ado, let’s get to it:

@forgottenlunarchild - Anne, there is so much that I have to say about you but I’m afraid that if I do... I won’t have any room for anyone else. Haha~! No, but seriously, we’ve only been friends for a few months now but it absolutely feels like forever. You understand me better than anyone has ever even attempted to in my life and I can’t thank you enough for that. I cherish you so much that it’s not even funny. I just feel that we have a really special bond together and if I didn’t have you, I don’t know what I’d do. I love you so so much and happy Valentine’s Day~!

@xkilluas - Dia, me and you go way back a whole three years. Having you as my Mika’s twin was so much fun and having you as a friend is even better. I remember when we found out that our birthdays were only six days apart so we had a whole birthday week on Tumblr. I really love how close we got in such a short time of meeting because you are one of the people that I really hold close to my heart no matter what. We’ve both been through a lot together and I want you to know that I’ll always be beside you whenever you need someone. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@monophagia - Veeerrrroooo~! Let me just say how much I look up to you. You have been my idol for the longest time ever. I think you’re just an absolutely amazing person and a beautiful artist. I don’t care what anyone says, you are one of the best people I have ever met and I won’t stand for others being so rude to you, even if I can’t do much. You are always valid in my eyes and if you ever want someone to talk to, I’m always here for you. *hugs tightly* Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@theothany - It’s Kira-Senpai~! You were like... one of my very first follows and the very first Guren that I interacted with on Tumblr. You were the literal shit (the good kind) in my eyes when I first joined Tumblr. I always thought your writing skills were so amazing and that you fit Guren’s character so well. It was a shame to see you leave Tumblr for so long but to have you come back again is just amazing. I’ve really missed you and I’m glad we can talk some more again. ^^ Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@ichinose-yuki - Han, at first I didn’t know what to make of your OC since Guren never had an actual sibling in the Light Novel or Manga, but I’m really glad that I gave you a chance because it blossomed into a beautiful friendship. Me and you have known each other for a whole year now and it’s been nothing but funny mischief. I really enjoy how much we talk about our OCs to each other and how we help each other with IRL issues as well. You are like my sister from another mister. I really hope we can see each other someday soon. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@maniacal-namanari - Alis, you’re such a sweet little cutie. I love both you and your muse so much, like... I cannot express it in words. I know that things in your life as of late have been really hard, but I hope that things get better and know that I’m here for you if you ever need someone. You’re such a nice person and deserve the best, keep doing a great job at turning your life around. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@elyon-kurae - Lily, my sweet little angsty friend, you are a beautiful artist and an amazing friend. Don’t let others, especially your family, put you down for anything ever. Your feelings matter and know you always have a special place here on my blog. Both you and Elyon have a place in me and Mika’s heart. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@laserkittenlucy - Kitty~! It’s one of my besties~! I love how our friendship started over being tired and rambling about cheese. I actually still have that cheese poem you wrote, haha! Anyway, you are one of the sweetest people I have ever met and I wanna say thank you for staying by my side through so much stuff. You really are a true friend and I hope you know how much I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day and tell your girlfriend I say the same to her please~!

@theliquoricelord - It’s Bay-Bay~! I hope that you’re doing well today and I also want to apologize for not responding to our chat yet, I get distracted by literally everything and forget stuff. I wanted to throw you in on this list since you’re really fun to talk to and I really enjoy listening to the things that you like. I hope we can continue our conversation soon. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@thepurrfectchat - Wolf-kun~! Hello from the other siiiide~! *shot* Let me just say that I cannot express in words how much you mean to me. I am so happy that we became friends two years ago, like... you don’t even know. I found it so adorable how you were scared to talk to me, even though I’m trash, and it made me so happy to know you wanted to interact with me. You are my favorite Chat Noir roleplayer to be honest with you. You do such an amazing job and your writing is just so beautiful. Thank you so much for being my friend. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@sinceritxte - Vexxie~! Fam~! My bestie~! You are one giant meme and I love you. Talking to you so much on Facebook is so much fun and I cannot express just how much I love you. I love how our friendship started over you screaming about Mikayuu and Shunaru in my IM box, which caused me to start screaming back about Gureshin as well. Me and you just clicked so well and like... I’m so grateful for it. You have stuck by my side through a lot and that means a lot to me, especially since I know how bad your situation is at home. You’re a true fighter and I look up to you in that sense. Not to mention that your artwork is beautiful. I hope that life gets better for you really soon. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@ultimateuob - Sammi~! I love talking to you so much, especially about Danganronpa and all of your ideas for Rantaro or fan fictions. Honestly the day you followed me, I legit screamed for like an hour. You’re such a sweet person who doesn’t get enough credit for what you do. You don’t deserve to be treated as badly as you do and if it were up to me, I would smother you in love and plushies. I hope you realize how much you mean to me. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@dusk-hero - I miss you so much, Li! I really hope that you’re doing well and that life is going right for you because you’re honestly such an amazing and caring person. I remember when we first met and how nice you were to me. You were actually the very first Kureto to ever interact with me and that made me so happy. I was a bit scared at first but after some time, I absolutely fell in love with you and the way you mused for Kureto. Everything about you just made me so happy and I always felt calm around you. I really hope that you see this and I hope that you have a nice day/ Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@lieutenant-ichinose - Eteif, you’re such an annoying little monster I swear- I’m just kidding~! You are my adorable little IRL sister and I love you so much. I don’t think that I’ve tell you that enough. You’re always so busy with school and volleyball that I barely ever get to see you anymore, but that’s okay because you’re doing something with your life and you’re gonna make something of yourself. I’m so proud of how smart you’ve become and I’m so proud of you for coming in second place of all two hundred freshmen in the entire school for the ranking of Valedictorian. You’re already way beyond me. Keep working hard so you can get out of this hell hole that we call home, don’t be like your failure sister and make everyone proud! Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@stestylius - Stephie~! Ah Stephie, sweet little Stephie. I remember the first time we ever interacted. It was on your Yuu blog, back when I thought you were a boy to be honest. I’m sorry, haha! It was very interesting the way you played Yuu and eventually I ended up meeting Nakia and Kagero. I will admit that I wasn’t fond of Nakia at first but then she really grew on me. I especially love our Pirate!AU the most, we have to continue that at some point! Don’t even get me started on all of the lovely artwork you made for the both of us during our roleplay adventures. That massive monster Mika attacking the pirate ship was awesome! I was screaming about it for weeks. You’re one of my dear friends that I hold close to my heart and I don’t know what I’d do without you honestly. I hope that life is being kind to you and I wish you a happy Valentine’s Day~!

@joker-yogi - Vess, I honestly never thought that we’d be as close as we are now. Back then I used to avoid many people because I was afraid to interact with so many different people. You were actually one of those people. I didn’t know how to approach you so I just kinda stayed away and watched from afar. Though after some bad events I had with my ex-girlfriend, you were one of the main people to come and check on me to see if I was alright, which really surprised me. From then forward, you became like... one of my best friends and I can’t thank you enough for it. Having all those Skype calls with you were so much fun and I can’t wait to do it again soon. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@snipec - Rinny, baby~! I love you so much~! I remember when you first messaged me on your Shinya about being friends since I followed your art blog. I was literally so surprised that you asked me that to be honest, mainly because out of so many people, you asked me. I know it probably doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it is for me since I never had many friends. I loved every single chat we had, especially when we were both fangirling over Shinya and Mika. Your artwork is just so beautiful and I cherish every bit of it, even if it’s just scribbles. Haha. You are such a sweet little angel and I can’t thank you enough for everything. You always make me so happy. I wish you a happy Valentine’s Day~!

@resoluteseraph - Hiiii, Yuuichirou-Mun~! I’m sorry that I can’t actually call you by your name or a nickname since I never had the chance to learn your name. ;; I hope you can forgive me for that. Well... I suppose I could call you Eureka since that’s part of your name on Discord but that’s entirely up to you. Anyway, I really hope that you’re having a lovely day today and hope that you are able to spend today with someone you love and cherish. I really enjoyed the few times we talked and I love seeing you on my dashboard. I hope that we can talk more in the future, happy Valentine’s Day~!

@yuu--chan - Mika~! I miss you a whole lot and really hope that your life is going a whole lot better than it has been. I saw all of the stuff that happened on your Instagram and let me just say, you didn’t deserve all of that. You are a very sweet and loving person in my eyes. You are an absolute angel and I love you. You were one of my very first Tumblr friends and I consider you one of my best friends. We always had so much fun talking until like... five in the morning. I really hope we can do this again soon. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@tatsu-rose-bathory - It’s Georgie, my little Tumblr sister~! Okay, you were my second follower on Tumblr and can I just say how much it means to me that you’ve stuck around? I used to be so scared of you and your blog because of how many really popular people you used to interact with. I was terrified that they would see me try to be your friend and laugh at how mediocre I was, but after talking to you and roleplaying those first few times, I absolutely fell in love with both you and Tatsu. I love the dynamic we have for our muses as well. It’s just so nice. I really hope you’re having a nice day and happy Valentine’s Day~!

@korosukoto - Ceru, you little bugger! Having you back in the roleplay community is so awesome! Granted that you’re in a completely different fandom now, but that doesn’t really matter to me. You make an amazing Koro-Sensei and you had me completely fooled when you first started messaging me. I thought you were someone else, haha! It means so much to me that you took into consideration about me missing how we used to roleplay together. I’m really happy to have you back. It amazes me how perfect you are for Koro-Sensei, it seriously feels like I’m talking to him! Not to mention you make a really good Kureto with my Mika and an amazing Kouen for my Ja’far. I also have to thank you for always being there for me through LITERALLY everything for about... four or five years now. I love you so much and hope you have an amazing Valentine’s Day.

@saigo-no-utahime - Hina~! I was really surprised by how alike me and you were from the very start. To be honest, I never expected us becoming friends or anything like that. I mean, our blogs were so different... yet we somehow ended up talking to each other and now we’re besties. You are a very sweet young woman who a lot of people misunderstand and it really makes me angry how rude people are to you. Know that you’re always welcome here on my blog or in my IMs. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@seventeenthprogenitor-chess - Shimmer, my sweet twiny. I don’t know where I would be without you honestly. You have been the person that has guided me through so much for our entire life together. I know that I would have been utterly lost without you. You were always the one who would pick me up when I fell both mentally and emotionally. You never left me by myself, even when you were dealing with your own problems. You are legit my saving grace, the light at the end of a dark tunnel. You’re a blessing. Never in a million years will I ever forget everything that you have done for me. I hope that you’re having fun in college. I miss you and happy Valentine’s Day~!

@seventeenthprogenitor-horn - It’s my sensei, Nadeshiko~! You have taught me so much about helping others and how to learn from my mistakes. You have such a big heart and I can’t believe just how loving you are, especially after knowing what you’ve had to live through and witness while growing up. I know that both of your parents and your older brother would be proud of you. You took something extremely depressing/negative and turned it into something positive that you can build yourself off of. You have become my role model and that’s why I call you my sensei. I remember when we met as small children and you couldn’t understand a word I was saying because you only spoke Japanese. Teaching you English was so much fun and you’re gotten really good at it. Thank you for always sticking by my side, even after you went back to Japan. It means the world to me. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@nobleelegance - Semmi~! It’s so sorry that you’re stuck with that nickname now because of me. Anyway, I wanted to tell you just how thankful I am for you teaching me a lot of the things I know now. If it weren’t for you, I’d probably be dumber than I am, haha. Really though, it means a lot that you would take time out of your day to help me so often, especially since you’re so busy with school. You’re like a little brother to me and watching you grown into a fin young man has really been an eye opener for me. It feels like just yesterday that you were a little kid that didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing and now look at you, got the intelligence of someone who’s in their fourth year of college.I know that your mother would be proud of you, because I know I am. Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart~!

@thirteenthprogenitor-crowley - It’s my partner in crime~! Rei, I absolutely love having you around. You always make me laugh so much and we always get into some kind of trouble. I’m really glad that we met and you’re like an older sister to me, one that understands the struggles of not being considered the “successful older sibling” because you’re out done by the younger one. Let me tell you something though, that’s perfectly okay. You don’t have to be the absolute best, you don’t have to be the smartest or the strongest. You’re perfect how you are. That was something some really close friends taught me and something you always tell me. Know that the people who matter, are you, your close friends, and the family that cares about you. I will always be on your side. Happy Valentine’s Day, Rei~!

@theforgottenprincetepes - Candy~! I really love hearing you sing for me on special holidays. I also want to say how proud I am of you for being so amazing with you writing style. You’ve come such a long way from how you used to write. Please make sure to always do your best, okay? I hope you have a nice Valentine’s Day~!

@fallenelegance - Teddy the teddy bear~! I hope everything with your situation at work has sorted itself out and I hope that you’re having a really nice day. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen you but that doesn’t really matter because you’re still on of my besties. We totally need to hang out and play Void again at some point. Anyway, please keep being absolutely hilarious and thank you so much for being a real friend to me. I love you and happy Valentine’s Day~!

@thunderdemon-raimeiki - Mag, hello you beautiful girly. I am so proud of how much you’ve grown into a beautiful young woman. You have struggle for so long and have been through so much. You are really strong and I know that you’re gonna make it in life. Please remember that we’re all here for you no matter what happens. I love you and happy Valentine’s Day~!

@aoiozora - Hey Aoi~! It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to you and I really hope that you’re doing alright. You were really fun to talk to the few times we talked via asks and we both enjoyed a lot of the same things, such as Owari no Seraph and Mystic Messenger. I’ve been looking at your blog pretty often as of late so I apologize for any possible spam I gave you. Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day~!

@travis-thedemonvalkrum-x - Damien, you are one crazy motherfucker and I love you for it. You’re another person that I never imagined making friends with, but I don’t regret it in the slightest. Both you and Vess are two of my best friends who I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. You’re like a little brother to me, honestly. I always look forward to talking to you. I really hope that today is treating you right. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@lestkarrkingofeurope - Tsunami, the salty wave of purification salt~! How are you doing? ^^ I really hope that you’re having a good time today and hope that the rest of your year goes well. I wanted to thank you for all the times you stood up for me with a lot of the really nasty and rude anonys. You’re a very kind and fun person to talk to and watch from the dashboard, I always look forward to your content. I wish you a happy Valentine’s Day~!

@human-s - I keep wanting to call you the nickname I have for my dog because you share the same name. Lola, you are just a sweet little muffin who needs to be appreciated and loved. You play a lovely Shusaku and I enjoy seeing you appear on my dashboard. We haven’t talked too much as of late which kinda sucks but sometimes that can’t be helped, you know? Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you should never let anyone stop you from doing what you enjoy. Happy Valentine’s Day~!

@childoflegend - Kyra, the smol angsty bean. I hope that you have a very nice day that isn’t filled with stress or anything like that. You deserve to be appreciated and loved no matter what anyone else says. I’ll fight them all for you. I’m always here if you ever need to talk and I want to say just how much I adore your edits and drabbles, along with your artwork. Never get discouraged when wanting to pursue something you love. Happy Valentine’s Day sweety~!

[sadrien]

wanna chat? pt.20

on ao3 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20

i'm not dead yet but i'm v close

eponine = alya enjolras = marinette grantaire = nino marius = adrien

enjoy

13:04

eponine: dont listen to marinette

enjolras: Ummm???? LIsten to Marinette

eponine: no fuck u

enjolras: :P

grantaire: ???????? what did you do  

eponine: NOTHI N G

enjolras: She tried to chase Chat after the akuma attack and almost fell in the Seine 

eponine: i did not

enjolras: She was 100% ready to swim

eponine: NO I WANS T

grantaire: oh is that where you went

eponine: f i g h t  m e

grantaire: al youd do anything for another interview wiht one of them

eponine: >:( u arent wrong tho

grantaire: exactly i cant believe you almost went into the river  

eponine: i hate you

 14:16 

enjolras: Has anyone heard from Adrien today??

grantaire: i talked to him thsi morning

enjolras: When was this morning

grantaire: uhhh like…. 2  

enjolras: Sleep??? Is a thing??????????

grantaire: video games are also a thing

enjolras: I hate you

grantaire: </3

 14:25 

eponine: good afternoon i am gay

grantaire: youre bi

eponine: good afternoon i am bi do u have a moment 2 talk about our lord and savior ladybug 

enjolras: Why are you like thsi

eponine: im running on like 5 cups of coffee

marius: lmao lame

eponine: what 

grantaire: ?????

enjolras: Did alya steal adriens phone again

eponine: first of all rude second of all what 

marius: who even is everyone on here??} what kind of nerd club is this  

grantaire has changed their name to nino

nino: blame adrien he got all geeky on us  

eponine has changed their name to ladybugfan2020

ladybugfan2020: hello im still bi

marius: what in fresh hell is going on here

enjolras has changed their name to mari

mari: Who are you??? And why do you have Adriens phone  

marius: because he’s too trusting lol guess who’s thumbprint is in it and has access to everything 

nino: i know my dude doesnt have anything weird on his phone that he wouldnt want people to see but still bro thats ominous  

marius: ;* 

ladybugfan2020: really tho who r u

marius: god i can’t believe you can’t figure it out who do you think adrien would trust not only with his phone but also enough to put their fingerprint in it????? 

ladybugfan2020: nino mari probably not me but a girl can dream ladybug chat link 

marius: i’m stopping you right there because fictional characters don’t count i’m honestly offended is there a block button on skype??? 

mari: Why do you have his phone Chloe? 

marius: wow!!! one of you has a brain!!! a concept 

nino: oh shit he had a big photoshoot today didnt he man i feel bad that i forgot 

mari: He didnt want to talk about it much dont feel too bad

marius: no shame on you for forgetting clearly i’m the only one who cares about adrien here 

ladybugfan2020 has removed marius from the group. 

mari: Alya no

ladybugfan2020: alya yes?? i dont like her 

mari: I mean same but Adrein wont know why hes been removed

nino: mars got a point

ladybugfan2020: ugh y do i like either of u

ladybugfan2020 has added marius to the group.

marius: fucking rude

ladybugfan2020: fight me

marius: maybe i will!!!!

nino: last time you did that al got akumatized lets ton e it down

marius left this group

ladybugfan2020 has added marius to this group.

marius: fuck you

ladybugfan2020: oh u wish

marius: i want out

mari: Then put down Adriens phone??

marius: i’m bored this photoshoot is boring you’re all JUST as boring though  

marius has changed their name to chlo

chlo: a random reminder that i hate you all and am only talking to you because i’m desperate

nino: im honored

chlo: you should be

ladybugfan2020: new question y r u at the photoshoot

chlo: cause i was in part of it?? duh 

mari: You model?

chlo: ok so clearly i need to talking up myself MORE i thought that was something people like you wanted me to stop doing make up your mind 

mari: You cant tell but Im rolling m y eyes

chlo: of course i’m a model have you seen me

nino: unfortunately

chlo: fuck off

ladybugfan2020 has renamed this conversation to “chloe sux”

chlo: fucking this is why i’m not friends with any of you  

mari: Lets be real you wouldnt be friends with us if we werent like this

chlo: probably true

nino: i dunno we were pretty close when we were 6?  

chlo: oh god don’t remind me i’ve blocked that from my memory 

nino: what? dont like remembering how we got married on the playground 

chlo: get out of my life lahiffe

nino: are we getting a divorce?? 

mari: No you got divorced when we were 8

ladybugfan2020: i feel like im watching a soap opera wild did we all get married on the playground??? i got married to this girl in my class when i was 4 and she was my first kiss good times we had to break up tho cause she wanted to go on the slide when i wanted to use the monkey bars 

mari: Aw tragic young love

chlo: not surprised

ladybugfan2020: k ive shared every1 else go share ur 1st kiss

mari: Kim in a game of truth or dare when I was eleven

nino: chloe at our wedding

chlo: lame also i don’t owe you anything cesaire  

ladybugfan2020: i can just ask adrien later

chlo: fuck ok i kissed alix the day before nino and i got married alix kissed me i think it was a dare  

nino: i cannot believe you cheated on me i want another divorce 

chlo: yeah yeah

ladybugfan2020: whyd u 2 divorce anyway?

nino: chloe didnt invite me to her birthday

chlo: ummm????? i mean no i didn’t because it was a girls only sleepover but also i remember YOU had a crush on mari so 

ladybugfan2020: just kno i am living

mari: YOu had a crush on me when we wer e 8???

nino: mari i hope you know everyone has had a crush on you

mari: ???????????????

ladybugfan2020: can confirm

chlo: ew they need me to do something i’ll steal adrien’s phone back later be less lame when i get back 

nino: no promises

ladybugfan2020: lmao anyway now we just gotta find out who adriens 1st kiss was any1 kno?  

mari: Nino would know

nino: i mean i do but thats for him to share im sure he will but ill let him do it 

ladybugfan2020: nice now we just gotta remember to ask ive got it 

ladybugfan2020 has renamed this conversation to “who was adrien agrestes first kiss??? find out more at 6”.

mari: Subtle

ladybufan2020: thanks

 14:43 

chlo: i lived bitch

nino: did chloe just meme

chlo: of course i did???? i mean come ON adrien agreste is my best friend what did you expect?  

nino: nah dude hes my bes t friend

chlo: no he’s not

ladybugfan2020: rude™

mari: Were his best friends???? 

chlo: pff you’re more than just his friends 

ladybugfan2020: ????

chlo: nothing anyway you people are boring god did you do nothing while i was gone?? how does he suffer being in your presence 

nino: has anyone ever told you youre kinda rude and obnoxious

chlo: yeah you multiple times 

nino: cool imma do it again

chlo: where’s the middle finger emoji 

nino: :P

mari: I cant believe you came back  

chlo: yeah neither can i guess you’re less boring and annoying than doing nothing

PM between chlo and ladybugfan2020

ladybugfan2020: can i ask y u hate mari 

chlo: i don’t hate her

ladybufan2020: …

chlo: it’s a long story

ladybugfan2020: well shes my best friend and ur kind of a dick to her

chlo: yeah well i’m not a nice person

ladybugfan2020: have u ever considered trying to b a nicer person

chlo: fuck off adrien agreste is my best friend what the hell do you think 

ladybugfan2020: try harder

in who was adrien agrestes first kiss??? find out more at 6 

mari: Has Adrien seriously been working this whole time???

chlo: not constantly but he hasn’t had much downtime when he’s not getting pictures taken of him they’re having him do other stuff probably cause he’s the boss’ kid but i don’t know i just pose and look pretty 

nino: use no brain power like usual

chlo: haha very funny

ladybug2020: do u think hes gonna read through all these messages???

mari: Depends on if hes tired or not

ladybug2020: mk hey sunshine if ur reading this ilysm thats all 

chlo: ugh they need me

mari: I mean you are like Working 

chlo: whatever we’re almost done so adrien will probably be on next bye losers

nino: bye ex wife

 15:07 

chlo: Ok I see that something happened Oh my username has changed Well ok that explains almost everything

chlo has changed their nickname to adrien 

adrien: I had to turn autocaps back on

nino: dude thats lame

adrien: I’m a lame person Also to answer the chat name’s question Nino 

ladybugfan2020: ???????? what??????????? when did this happen?????? 

adrien: A few months ago?

nino: sounds about right 

adrien: I had to do a photoshoot that was going to involve kissing a girl and I didn’t want my first kiss to be work related I was talking about it to Nino and he was like “the answer is to have your first kiss before the photoshoot”  

mari: And so the next logical step was to kiss NIno

adrien: …yeah sort of

nino: fun fact adrien is a great kisser @alya cause mari already knows 

mari: Please stop talking to me oh my god

ladybugfan2020: i feel like im missing out how do i get adrien agreste to kiss me how did u do it mari? it was an accident right??? just like…fall asleep on his face?  

mari: I’m leaving goodbye I hate you all

ladybugfan2020: </3

[lizzizzie-blog]

Remember that time when society made you think you were straight?

So, it’s been more than a month since I posted anything. As my 30th birthday looms (3 days and counting), I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about who I am. I’ve been reflecting nostalgically on my youth (i.e., listening to early 2000′s emo). I’ve had so many threads of ideas for post topics floating around my brain, and I’ve wanted to sit down and get into all of them, but... I’ve been utterly stuck on this one idea, and I’ve been stalling. I’ve been going back and forth in my head over whether it’s important enough to write about this. Questioning the validity of something I know to be true about me.

I’m afraid to say (write) these things. I’m afraid that people won’t understand. That’s one reason not to write this. Also, this feels self-indulgent. Nobody asked. I’m not sure anybody cares. I feel silly shouting “me too!” when friends of mine have been out - have had to be out - for years now. It’s moot as far as others are because I’m married. I've already “settled down,” so why does it matter? Those are additional reasons not to write this. But, it does matter.

Because I’ve learned that research shows learning the story of someone who’s a member of an oppressed group can help change people’s minds. And I know that sometimes people change their minds when they realize someone they know is LGBTetc. And maybe I can be that person.

Because bi erasure is real and harmful and I don’t want to implicitly contribute to it.

Because it’s not fair that, because I am married to a man, I shouldn’t have to be open about my sexuality as a prerequisite to living my authentic life, when so many LGBTetc people that I love don’t have that option.

Because every moment that passes that I don’t share this, I feel less authentic. And it hurts to be inauthentic.

Because self-love and self-acceptance are my main goals for my 30th year.

Because maybe I can help young people.

Because it’s true. (And the truth is always a gift). 

Those are all my reasons to write this. And today they outweigh the reasons not to.

In early December of 2016, I went out with some girlfriends. We ended up huddled around somebody’s kitchen island, wine tipsy, chatty, giggly… all wearing incredibly immature “ugly Christmas sweaters.” I had a warm glowy feeling going. We were discussing our husbands when the conversation took a stereotypical turn in the “men - can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em” direction, and then we were on the subject of kissing women. Someone said, “I could definitely kiss a girl,” to which I shrugged “I mean, course!” in agreement. Then they qualified with, “but that’s probably it - I could never go down on a girl,” to which the rest of the girls agreed with varying degrees of enthusiasm. I shrugged and let the subject naturally change. This is the most recent in a series of conversations throughout my life, where I’ve found myself realizing that the way I feel is not the way the majority of straight women I know feel. This was the first time I noticed it in real time, though, rather than in hindsight.

It’s taken the better part of 30 years, and the happy accident of discovering Skam - and the incredible Skam fandom (Skam Fam - more on that later) - but I am finally in a place where I consciously know what I am: bisexual. Or possibly-probably pansexual. I’m not sure. Labels are tricky, as we’ve discussed. Anyway...

Growing up godless, I didn’t have any religiously rooted shame to overcome. I’ve always been emphatically pro-LGBT rights, ever since learning the meaning of the word “gay” and the concept of “same-sex marriage.” That’s always felt intensely personal to me. I’ve always felt a connection to LGBT stories in (pop) culture. They’re always the stories I latch onto and obsess over. I’ve always felt attracted to girls/women. I’ve always flirted with boys/men and girls/women, and I’ve always meant it. And yet… somehow, at the same time, I had no idea that meant I wasn’t straight. I didn’t know that what I was feeling for girls and women was different from what my straight friends were feeling. I assumed that everyone must be feeling what I was feeling, and since I was attracted to boys and men, too, I ignored that part of me. I received no messages that it was a valid option, and so I didn’t even consider it. I had trouble distinguishing between friendship feelings and romantic/sexual feelings, with girls and boys, so the confusing jumbled mess all felt normal to me. I dated boys by default, and nobody ever really asked, so I never really thought much about it.

When I was 18 and 19, I did the stereotypical “drunkenly make out with other girls at parties to get guys’ attention” thing. Only, it was mostly just one girl. And I’ve never been an attention-seeker. Looking back, I just really enjoyed making out with my best friend. And so I was happy to play along with the default narrative. ...I didn’t understand any of this at the time.

During the summer before my senior year of college, I developed real - or at least closer to conscious - feelings for a girl for the first time. We met working a nerdy biology summer job together. I knew I thought she was beautiful and elegant and stylish. I knew I thought she was smart and funny. I knew I thought she was incredibly pretentious and kind of irritating, and my straight male roommate who also worked with us couldn’t really stand her. I knew that, objectively, she was not someone I’d be expected to befriend. I knew I couldn’t get enough of her anyway. I knew that when we roomed together at a hotel during a work trip, I enjoyed the intimacy of it more than she did. And I knew that when we each slipped pantless into the sheets of our respective beds, and talked until the middle of the night, I felt fizzy. I knew that she annoyed the shit out of me, but I missed her when we were apart. I knew all these things, and yet at the same time, I didn’t totally know why I felt all these things. I chalked it up to quick, intense friendship. I didn’t think much about it, because we both had boyfriends at the time. (Not to mention, I was also developing an increasingly flirtatious texting relationship with her male roommate, and harboring a secret identify as my university’s mascot. I had a lot going on at the time.)

The summer ended and I didn’t see her any longer. I broke up with the boyfriend and jumped quickly into a circumstantially intense relationship with a new guy. My year as a mascot, my senior year of college, was a total whirlwind of mascotting and one incredibly unexpected, devastating, formative experience that I shared with the new guy (a topic for another time). The point is, I had no time for self-reflection with regard to sexuality.

Fast forward to the following fall, I met and fell in love with my now husband, quickly and completely. I was 22. Since then, I haven’t really had much cause to consider or think about my sexual and romantic orientations. Fast forward to age 29, and here I am.

I’ve never been particularly secretive about my crushes and attraction to women. I talk about my crushes on women with my husband, my gay girl friends, and my guy friends regularly. It’s something I’ve never felt any shame about. Shame is not what’s taken me so long to get to this point. It’s repression. It’s socialization. It’s a lack of representation in the media. I assumed I was straight, that my feelings for women were “phases,” outliers in my otherwise straight existence, just like everyone else had, because that’s the default option. Sexuality is fluid, and experimentation is totally normal, but eventually most people choose a “side.” That’s the story we’re told.

My story picks up in late December of 2016, a few weeks after the “I could never go down on a girl” incident during which I’d clammed up (and no one noticed). I was sick with the flu over the holidays. I was looking for something to distract me from my nausea and my incapability to spend time with family in my gross state, and I discovered Skam. In a matter of days, I binged through all three seasons, and it became my favorite show ever. I became more attached to fictional characters than I’ve ever been (which is saying something for those of you who know my heart). The show’s target audience is Norwegian teenagers, but its themes of self-acceptance, internalized homophobia, mental illness, feminism, and friendship (plus many more) are universal. The most recent season follows the story of closeted Isak, who meets and falls in love with a bisexual (presumably), bipolar Even. As they learn to love and accept one another, they learn to love and accept themselves. It’s a portrayal of a realistic, soft, healthy relationship between Isak and Even. It’s something I’ve never seen before, and it was so... refreshing, clarifying, to see. It is incredibly realistic, beautiful, and moving, and it touched me. I became obsessed with this show and these boys.

As a total fangirl, I needed an outlet for this new love. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t convince any of my IRL friends/family to watch a Norwegian show about teenagers accessible only through fan-made subtitled files on Google Drive. My husband got tired of me blathering on about the amazing editing, clever and moving soundtrack choices, and witty, subversive dialogue. So, I took to the internet. I found my way into the fandom on Tumblr. I met a bunch of young, gay (a catch-all term) as hell Skam fans, and I began talking to them. Each new person I met, I felt immediately connected to them. I felt at home among this group. They are incredibly kind and accepting. They are so far ahead of where I was at their age, in terms of knowing and accepting who they are. It makes me so proud and thrilled for them, and so glad they have each other. And at the same time, it makes me sad for myself when I was their age, and jealous that I didn’t have a similar outlet.

In the last few months, I’ve learned so much from Skam and them. I’ve made impactful, real friendships with people all over the world. They feel like my people, and I’ve come to realize, it’s because they are. Their struggles, and their futures, are a big part of the reason I feel compelled to put this out there.

So, here I am. Validating myself. Accepting myself. Taking my own advice - that I don’t have to be able to explain this to people who won’t understand in order for it to be true. I am Not Straight in 2017. I am Not Straight at age 30. I guess it doesn’t really matter. Then again, it really does matter.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #60

“everything i touch turns to stone, so wrap your arms around me and leave me on my own.”

how're you feeling today?   okay.  i guess.  still plenty of time for the day to be ruined.  i just woke up a few minutes ago.  thank god i managed to sleep kinda easily last night, despite what was going on.  guess i was just that tired. have you ever lost a close friend?   yeah, i have, but not to death. what’s your sister(s) names?   katie, misty, ashley, nicole, and tiffany if you want to count her. when was the last time you cried?   last night. what is your favorite song?   first let it be clear that i have LOTS.  but i'm actually going to make an effort to list some here.  again, this certainly isn't all, but some include "hurt" by johnny cash, "here to stay" by korn, "nebel" by rammstein, "perfectly flawed" by otep, "lost it all" by black veil brides, and just... yeah, LOTS more. how do you wear your makeup?   i will once in a blue moon wear foundation, but usually not.  i'll always put on eyeliner and mascara, usually lipstick, then sometimes eye shadow, depending on whether or not i feel like taking it off later or not. do you have a job?   no, but my mom and i are going to drive around animal shelters today to see about volunteering.  since i quit school, i don't know about you, but i can't tolerate myself to sit at home with zero responsibilities.  i have to do something. do you work out every week?   no.  funny how i used to do it everyday. what kind of bathing suit do you wear?   i don't know what it's technically called, it's just a normal bathing suit that covers the belly and such? do you think you are pretty?   i honestly think i would be if i wasn't my size. what’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?   the cutest?  probably that time i was lying in bed and i couldn't sleep, so i was iming jason on facebook and jokingly demanded him to sing to me, because i mean, obviously he couldn't really.  he ended up posting the lyrics/sending me a video to "the mortician's daughter" by black veil brides.  i smiled so big listening to that song; i ended up listening to it all night.  if you ask me, i'll always tell you that was "our song," and it fits us now more than ever.  i usually can't listen to it, but it's so dear to my heart that i sometimes fight the triggering and just listen to it regardless and remember what we had.  i've also decided that regardless of whether or not we get back together, i'm getting "i love you more than i can ever scream" (or possibly another lyric) tattooed somewhere on me, probably in a quote bubble or something.  i don't give half a shit if i ever end up with someone else, i will always love him and that song, and i dare my potential significant other to complain.  but hey, regardless of your musical taste, you should really listen to it, it's beautiful. do you consider dogs inside or outside pets?   both.  i don't believe in leaving them outside all alone forever, and i don't believe in cooping them up inside where their energy gets to be too much. do you read books for pleasure?   not so much anymore, really.  i just kinda... stopped one day.  i really think it's because of my hospitalization; i read like crazy to pass the time every time i was in the hospital, and i guess i just associate it.  it's a shame though, i used to love reading... wood floors or carpet?   in general, i prefer wood floors.  i love it when they look all glossy and they're easier to clean, i think. a teacher says she’s noticed you’ve looked sad, do you confide in her?   i probably would.  when people actually show interest in my wellbeing, i usually open up decently. if someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it?   if mom let me, yeah.  i go on and off between wanting my own kitten, so. are easter baskets only for kids?   absolutely not! do you like to daydream about sex?   i'll admit i've done it before, but i wouldn't say i "like" it. which of your parents do you laugh more with?   my dad have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral?   yes, for my former babysitter miss janet. after a date, do you call your friend to tell them how it went?   lmao i probably would, honestly. do you like romantic gestures or do they make you feel awkward?   FUCKING YES I LOVE ROMANTIC PEOPLE. have you/do you plan to go to college?   well, i just dropped out of college yesterday due to my deteriorating mental health, so... do you struggle to articulate your thoughts and feelings?   omg, YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!  especially irl, i am TERRIBLE.  like i am a highly figurative thinking and think of everything in kinda inexplainable ways, to where no words seem to fit.  i will struggle so much in a conversation to get out words exactly how i mean them, which is why i prefer to write, because i can think longer about what i'm saying. do you think all porn stars are whores?   i'm sorry to offend, but uh, yeah??  a whore is a prostitute, and a prostitute is someone who engages in sexual acts for monetary gain.  it's kinda... obvious...? would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now?   despite that only being two years younger, probs not.  i want someone older than me in hopes they'd be more mature.  sure, an 18-year-old could be perfectly mature, but i just believe the odds are better with someone slightly older. are you more likely to show affection through your words or your actions?   both really. be honest: are you clingy?   quite a bit. do you like to wear makeup?   i do.  it makes me feel prettier.  i just don't usually put it on. how old is the oldest person you’ve kissed?   he's 23. are you bipolar?   according to psychiatrists, yes.  but honestly, i don't really know for certain, considering i always feel an underlying depression?  like i'm aware one kind of bipolarity is more manic, the other more subtle, but i still don't know if i have it. have you ever seen the last person you kissed without their shirt on?   MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM BOI do you believe the last person you kissed still cares about you?   do i hope?  yeah.  do i believe he does?  no. do you like to cuddle?   if you're jason, yeah.  it's so funny.  i didn't even like hugs when we started dating, but he got me to wear i absolutely loved cuddling with him and i now love hugs. when you listen to a new song, do you usually play it over and over?   YUP.  if i really like it, anyway. do you prefer being called your actual name or a nick name?   brittany or just "britt" is fine. do you ever want to get married?   i do.  i'm christian, and marriage is perhaps the most beautiful thing in our faith.  i don't want children until i'm legally bound too, and i do want kids.  and i mean... i guess i'm still trying to be abstinent, so. are you wearing a necklace?   no.  i rarely wear necklaces. have your parents ever caught you drinking?   no.  i've never been drinking when i wasn't supposed to. ever been kissed under fireworks?   i have not. have you ever held hands with someone in a car?   jason usually let me hold his hand while he was driving, yeah. do you like the town you are living in?   *cackles maniacally* how did you get one of your scars?   from scratching my leg obsessively. would you ever get a tattoo/belly ring?   tattoos, fuck yeah, belly button piercing, only if i got much smaller.  i don't like how they look on people my size. have you ever hated a teacher?   no.  i've honestly never had a bad teacher because i actually knew how to behave. when is your birthday?   february 5th!!  coming up!! c: are you afraid of roller coasters?   YUP.  i'm terrified of throwing up. how often do you think about death, suicide or running away?   death/suicide, multiple times a week.  running away, never. have you ever had stitches? where?   in my chin, yes. do you enjoy chicken noodle soup?   nope. have you ever been on omegle?   no, because i'm honestly not fond of seeing random dicks. do/did you enjoy it when your school would have pep rallys?   NO.  i hated them so much that i always stayed in class with the teacher. have you ever been caught cheating on a test?   no, because i don't cheat on tests. do alligators scare you?   nah.  i mean if one was coming after me i'd obviously be fearful nor would i approach one, but in general, they don't scare me.  i rather think they're very cool.. are your parents proud of you?   i'm sure they're not.  i've done nothing to warrant pride. do you play just dance on the wii?   not anymore, but i would once in a while back when.  once, during my little sister's birthday, jason and i danced to a kiss song... and he beat me.  i'm still salty af. what are your initials?   bmd, or bmcd if you want my catholic name. did you ever want a pet rabbit?   not adamantly.  my sister had one once and she was veeeery messy. ashley didn't know the rabbit had died for a week. who was the last person that asked to hang out with you?   colleen if you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them?   ... i'd be a bad person to talk to about suicide.  nevertheless, i'd speak to them pretty wishfully, to be honest.  ex. "everything eventually gets better," bullshit like that that doesn't happen for everyone. have you ever felt so depressed that you were struggling to carry on?   oh, you mean the daily struggle? have you ever worn colored mascara?   no... but that'd be cool depending on what i was wearing! before facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site, like bebo or myspace?   myspace, yes.  i remember mine was entirely dedicated to meerkats lmao. has anyone ever asked you out and you turned them down?   yes. are you a secretive person?   online, not really.  real life, yeah. if you were going to buy a present for the person you love, what would you generally choose?   something oriented around "magic: the gathering."  or something with cthulu. ever gave a really long apology?   i have. have you ever felt like you literally needed someone?   i have.  call it crazy, but you ain't experienced heartbreak until you've felt it. where would you like to go on your honeymoon?   it'd be quite ideal if i could go to south africa for that so i could fulfill my dream of photographing the kmp meerkats, but i don't know how romantic that would be.  i'd want my future spouse's opinion here. would you ever cut all your hair off to raise money for charity?   all my hair?  no, honestly. do you eat the slice of lemons you get in drinks?   NONONONONO.  i will never forget that gmm episode where they talked about surprisingly filthy things and the lemons were one of them due to having relatively common contact with fecal bacteria from employees not washing their hands. do you like family get-togethers?   my family doesn't really have those because most of my family isn't in nc.  on the rare occasion some of the family's together, generally, no, i don't really enjoy them because half the family has shit to say about me. where does your (favorite) pet sleep at night?   in my old room.  i'd love for him to sleep with me, but he's old and has accidents. how many pillows do you actually use while sleeping (not just on your bed)?   three. do you prefer using regular or mechanical pencils?   mechanical. who in your family has the longest hair? how long is yours?   nicole or ashley, pretty sure nicole tho.  mine is mid-way between my shoulders and breasts. what do you hear now?   "fuck away the pain" by divide the day.  i really don't know why, but this song helps me feel better about shit sometimes...? what are all the areas of your body that you shave?   underarms, legs, trim a "certain area" when you go on webcam, who do you chat with the most? do you use any specific sites or programs?   i never use my webcam what books (if any) have you read more than once?   "because of winn-dixie" i read twice, and "meerkat manor: flower of the kalahari" i've probably read over 10 times lmao.  i skipped over clutton-brock's tangents in the later re-reads, though. what is your favorite card game?   "magic: the gathering" i assume.  i'm not big into card games. what is your most expensive piece of jewelry? if it was a gift, who got it for you?   that's a very good question.  i honestly couldn't tell you. what is your favorite video game to play by yourself?   i love replaying "silent hill 2" and experiencing it again, but the feeling will never be as raw as the first time.  i have to be in the "right" mood to play it though, or else it will REALLY depress me. you have to get a piercing, what do you get?   i want a vertical labret for my lip again. what are you wearing?   plaid pajama pants, cheshire cat tank top do you like the ocean?   i do, but it also scares me.  A LOT. would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?   honestly, i sleep better alone, but i'd prefer to be with someone. do you wear glasses?   always, unless i feel like taking a picture without them for whatever reason. do you wear contacts?   no, but i did years ago.  i was just bad with taking them in and out, so i got glasses instead. have you ever loved someone, but broke their heart?   i couldn't tell you.  he sure as fuck never acted like it.  despite being together for 3 1/2 years. have you had a bf/gf that you never kissed?   if you want to count my first two boyfriends, yeah, i never kissed either of 'em. would you be able to stand being in the same room as someone you hate?   no.  one of us would die that day. has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked?   it's happened before and i'm just like... why???  you're not the one dating him stfu. have you ever stayed up late talking to a bf/gf on the phone or online?   plenty of times. do you have any handshakes with anybody?   nah. what has been the stupidest reason someone has broken up with you?   i've only been broken up with once, and he might as well have said, "i'm sorry you're too sick for me after all this time so i'mma leave you to die peace bye" who do you care about more, your significant other or your best friend(s)?   i don't have a significant other, so i'm just going to say crush instead.  and honestly?  i care about him more, sorry. do you have any pictures of yourself with a bf/gf?   i still have every picture i've ever taken with jason.  hell, i still have our facebook album of pictures because i refuse to delete it. is there anyone you don’t like that always seems to be everywhere you are?   no. who in your life is your number one priority to make sure they’re happy?   i would say jason, but he's not really "in my life," so i don't... really know...?  i mean i guess colleen.  though i'm aware it should be me.  i just can't manage to care for myself like that. do you like making lists?   i'm neutral, honestly. do you play sports with your siblings?   nope. what color or design does your shower curtain have?   it's actually entirely blank. does it bother you when animals lick themselves?   no, they're just cleaning themselves.  my mom though, she cannot STAND the sound.  she'll yell at any of the dogs if they're doing it. could you ever give yourself a shot?   probs. do you wear a bra 24/7?   i only ever wear a bra if i'm going somewhere.  gotta let the ladies be free fam. have you ever worked as a cashier?   yes, and FUCK THAT a million ways over. do you know how to tap dance?   i know how to clog, and it's pretty much identical, just the shoes are different. what ethnicity is the last person you talked to?   white do you have any interests in psychology?   i find it extremely interesting, but i have no desire to learn more about it.  the brain is too dangerous. would you go out with someone right now if they asked?   only if you were jason. have you ever met anyone who claimed to be a witch?   i have indeed.  very close online friend. have you ever been to michigan?   when i was a baby, yes. would you ever tattoo a lover’s name onto your body?   never in a million years.  i'd get matching tattoo or a couple tat, but NEVER his name. do you know anyone with asthma?   my mother and grandma. are you going to force your kids to be in activity or let them choose?   i would never force my child to do something they didn't want to do. do you watch toddlers and tiaras?   omg no, fuck that show and its concept.  i do not, even mildly, agree with pitting your child against another to decide who's more "beautiful."  jesus christ, do you WANT your child to grow up insecure as shit?  i personally know a number of children who have been in pageants, and guess what, they're snobby, materialistic little... ugh.  even if my child asked, i wouldn't allow them to be in a pageant.  just no. what was the last band t-shirt you bought?   good question. if someone asked you to go to war today, what would you say?   hell no, son.  i'm 1.) not patriotic enough and 2.) i'm a pacifist and 3.) i just have no desire. are you passionate?   holy fuck yes.  i honestly think it's my favorite trait about me personally. do you own an old vintage typewriter?   we did at one point, no idea where it went... do you hate how dogs bark every time someone comes to your house?   oh my GOD you ought to hear how our dogs are when someone comes home. have you ever been to sea world?   i have as a child; i still remember being splashed all to hell by shamu or whatever the whale's name was there.  now as an adult, i don't know if i'd go again... due to obvious controversy.  i don't know how i feel about it, honestly.  like i do believe it's very important for us to learn about animals, but to put a huge whale on display for our entertainment?  i dunno, man. do you know someone who suffers from short term memory loss?   it's very well possible i do.  i forget shit WAY too easily. are you a protective person?   oh boy, can i be.  i'm the type that would kill for those who deserve my protection. have you ever experienced an earthquake?   no.  i was two-three hours away when a very, very minor earthquake struck the east coast, though.  mom felt it at home. does your house have a dishwasher?   we do. do you know anyone who has a flower tattoo?   probably, idk. could you say something good about the last person you kissed?   he's very realistic. what exactly did you drink the last time you were intoxicated?   mike's hard and smirnoff what languages can you count to ten or higher in?   english, german, spanish do you feel uncomfortable sharing drinks with other people?   depends on the person. do you believe that the world will actually end?   i'm certain it will eventually. are you socially awkward?   always. are you satisfied with your gender?   i am, but even if i wasn't, what would i do about it? are you good at admitting your problems?   probably too good. who is your family doctor?   dr. emanuel has anyone suspected you of being a different sexuality?   yep.  most recently when it seemed colleen's pastor thought we were a lesbian couple lmao do you ever floss?   i confess, no. are you an impatient person?   OH LORD YEAH are you a supporter of the war?   fuck no. has your cell phone ever rung in class?   no. speaking of which, what kind of phone do you have?   samsung galaxy do you sometimes think you aren’t as fortunate as others?   i'm perfectly aware i'm not as fortunate as most.  face it, not everyone is blessed equally. are you a paranoid person?   very. what would you say is your favorite type of flower?   tiger lilies would you consider yourself a clean person?   for the most part, yeah.  i don't like feeling dirty. do you have a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder?   not so much anymore.  i used to have repetitive thought cycles BADLY, but thank god i fought so hard to overcome that. how many trees surround your individual house?   loads.  we live in the woods. is halloween simply the greatest holiday ever?   if you can actually get into the spirit, absolutely.  haven't felt it for a long time, though... is pantera one of your favorite bands?   definitely not a fave, but i like some songs by them.  especially "walk." what color car would you definitely not want to own?   white.  gets dirty too easily. are you picky when it comes to music?   very much so. what's something you disagree with about the way you were raised?   my mom spanked us. has the opposite sex ever written you a poem?   yes, but i'm very suspicious it wasn't just for me.  juan was well-known to be a player.  he probably gave it to other girls. have you ever been a featured member on any website?   i have. who’s the last person you had a sleepover with?   chelsea

[ajadelight]

Cell Phone Affair - Part Two

Amanda left the bus stop laughing to herself about John’s reaction. She made her way through the park, rounded a corner and saw a line of people waiting for service from a food vendor. Art’s Breakfast Bagels - Your Way, his sign announced. She danced her way along the line until she caught the attention of a fabulous dress woman. She stopped and looked at her with sad eyes.    “What’s your problem?” the woman asked.    “Hunger for one. It’s been two days since I ate last. Other than that, some jerk stole my cell phone and I need to call my sister to get picked up for a party tomorrow. I always attend family parties, even if they don’t like me. At least they feed me well.”    The woman frowned and shook her head. “I swear! Don’t they teach you anything at school? Did you graduate?”    “Yes, but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you be kind and let me use your cell phone. I promise I won’t run away with it.”    “You want a sandwich also?”    “That would be nice, but I won’t bother you about that. I’ll find something later or hit the free soup kitchen for lunch.”    The woman groaned and got her cell phone from her purse. She handed it to her and then hooked a finger in a belt loop of her jeans.    “It might break, but it will slow you down enough for me to grab you and knock a knot on your head.”    Amanda gave her a huge smile. “Cool.”    She dialed a number and waited. “Hey, Susan. Sorry I had to use someone else’s phone. Mine got stolen. What do I want? I want to see you on Saturday at noon at the water fountain in Walton Park. Why? Because you’re a coward and I’m tired of it all. You’re a great woman to sleep with, but enough is enough. If you don’t show and discuss it with me, I’m going to the Walton Post and come out of the closet and drag you with me. Maybe you’re joking about what you’re doing, but I’m not. I’m serious and you’re hurting me by treating me like a piece of shit. So, be there at noon on Saturday or prepare for exposure in the papers! It’s not right for you to play with my feelings and emotions and think you can walk all over me. You spend 6 months being intimate with me and now you want to be my friend and say it’s all my mistakes for loving you? Yes. I said noon on Saturday at the fountain in Walton Park. You’d better keep that date, woman! I love kissing your ass, but this time I’ll kick it and kick it good! Goodbye.”    She disconnected the call and handed the phone back to the woman. “Thanks. That was mighty kind of you. You have a wonderful day now.”    “Whoa! Are you okay? What the hell was that? Was that your sister or some other family member?”    Amanda frowned. “No. I wouldn’t be doing no lesbian love with a family member. That was Susan. She came on to me and I tried it once and found I like it and I liked her. For 6 sweet months, it was bliss and she kept insinuating and hinting that she wanted a very long-term relationship. I opted to accept because the love and everything with her was so real. Then wham. She’s out of my life and it’s my fault, but she can’t tell me why? All I did was love her. Bitch.”    “In that case, I agree with you. But why my cell phone? Oh, I get it. If you used yours, she’d never answer. Bitch. I hope she calls me back. I’ll add my icing for her cake and grind it in her face. You might be down-and-out, but you’re attractive and you’ve got a good heart and personality. You probably deserve better than her, but I’ll let you make up your own mind on that. And you have a good day also.”    “I will now. Thanks. Will you come to the park on Saturday at noon to support me?”    “I’ll be there. I’ll rearrange everything to get there and help you. She has me riled up now.”

   Amanda walked away, nibbling on an Everything Bagel with cream cheese, compliments of Danielle, and feeling good. She came across a taxi stand and people were lined up, getting inside yellow cars like lemmings jumping off cliffs. She walked past them dancing and humming and stopping occasionally to play some guitar and bow for their applause.

   She approached the 7th person in line, a man wearing dress pants and a long-sleeved blue striped shirt with no tie.    She waited until he finished his call and put on her pitiful, helpless look and waved timidly. “Excuse me, sir. I’m down on my luck now. A wonderful angelic woman back the street bought me a bagel to calm my hungry stomach. Some jerk stole my cell phone and I need to make an important call. I know that look. It’s not important to you, but it is to me. I’m supposed to be in Rantoul in 30 minutes to babysit for a cousin who’s paying cash and I’m not going to make it. Unless you want to give me a ride and detour to Rantoul before you go to where you’re going. Where are you going?”    “To work. I work odd hours at the ice factory, like from 10 to 6 4 days a week and 12 hours on Saturday.”    “No rest for the weary and overburdened. So, will you give a ride or I could use your cell phone and let my cousin know I’m not going to make it.”    He looked her up and down and handed her his cell phone. “You might be down, but you look too good to ride with you in a taxi right now. Help yourself until it’s my turn.”    “Thanks, dude.” She pressed the last-call function, highlighted the number and pressed call.    “Hey, honey. What’s up with you today? Do you miss me that much?”    “Not really. Don’t tell me I got the wrong number again. You don’t sound familiar. Who is this?”    “This is Jean and you have the right number. It came up Clyde on the Caller ID. What are you doing with his phone?”    “Using it. That should be obvious without asking unless you’re a slow learner. Are you?”    “NO! Who are you?”    “I’m Amanda Collins. And you?”    “I’m Jean! I told you that already! What are you doing with my husband?”    “Oh, him. I’m probably doing the same thing that you’re doing, but I’m doing it a little, no, a whole lot better than you.”    “What?”    “You didn’t know that? Don’t tell me you’re one of those women who take life for granted. You know, like after you say, ‘I do,’ you can slack off and wear granny dresses and curlers to bed and everything is all paradise. I got news for you, honey. That’s not the way it works. You have any kids?”    “NO! And when I get my hands on you, you won’t ever have them either! Give him back the phone!”    “Not yet. I’m not done and it’s rude to try to end the conversation early.”    “You’re pissing me off, woman!”    “Oh well. I enjoy golden showers on occasion. Tell you what, meet me at the fountain in Walton Park at noon on Saturday and we’ll take turns pissing on each other while the cameras roll.”    “Give him the damned phone, woman! Now!”    “Or what? Do you know where I am? Do you know where your husband is? I do.”    “Give it to him.”    “Here? You want me to give it to him here?”    “What are you doing?” asked Clyde, finally stopping his gaze and daydream and paying attention.    “I don’t know, but this strange woman wants me to kiss you at a minimum, right here.”    She stepped close and kissed him without moving the phone. “Wow! You do kiss very well. That was so good, I’d like a repeat. Come on. We still have time before we reach the taxi platform.”    “What are you doing? I’ll kick your ass, bitch!” yelled Jean.    “Just got a couple of great kisses from Clyde. Wow! Got a little worked up on them. But thanks. I appreciate that opportunity.”    “You’re welcome,” Clyde said. “Who are you talking to?”    “I’m talking to some woman named Jean. Do you know her?”    “My wife? What are you doing, crazy woman?”    “I’m doing what she said to do. Here, ask her if you don’t believe me.    “Jean, what the hell are you doing? Did you tell her to kiss me?”    “Yes, I think, I said give it to him, or you, but I didn’t know it was really you. She’s confusing. Who the hell is she?”    “I don’t know. I’m waiting for a taxi to go to the train station and she just stopped out of nowhere.”    “Then put her on the damned phone again!”    “Hello? This is Amanda. What can I do for you?”    “Besides drop dead, what are you doing?”    “Enjoying some great phone sex. I think this is the foreplay part. Kind of kinky, but very exciting. What do I do next?”    “Get ready for a fight, bitch! Where do we meet?”    “At noon on Saturday by the fountain in Walton Park. Do you know where that is?”    “Yes, I know where that is?”    “But not where your husband is?”    “Stop it!”    “Sounds like you did a long time ago. That’s a shame. He has a lot to offer.”    “That does it! I’ll be at the park at noon and at 12:05, you will die!”    “Don’t make promises you can’t keep, like saying ‘I Do’ in a chapel or elsewhere and not holding yourself to it.”    “Tell me that after I hold your head under water for 10 minutes, waterlogged heathen bitch.”    “Yada-yada-yada,” said Amanda.    She handed Clyde the phone. “She hung up on me. I’ve never been that rude to anyone in my life. And she hung up on me. She lays into me with all those threats and it’s my fault? I don’t think so. Anyway, you’re up next. You have a great day and see if you can get Jean to enroll in Anger Management classes. It might improve your marriage.”    He slid the phone back in his coat pocket. “You’re fucking unreal! Do you know that? How can you do that to people? Why hasn’t someone killed you before now?”    She shrugged. “I don’t know. It must be my angel-like face and personality. Are you coming to the park with her on Saturday? One of us will be the kicked and one will be the kicker.”    “Wouldn’t miss it for the world, weird woman.”