#this is a problem on the american left and has been for awhile

[sidewalk-scrawls]

Honestly I think a lot of political fracturing in the US comes down to an absolute refusal to listen to other perspectives. It's uncomfortable to process information that challenges your world view, and the knee-jerk reaction is to reject the information causing that discomfort! But discomfort isn't actually a good reason not to listen.

Listening isn't endorsement. Understanding people's motivations isn't endorsement. And both of those things are *crucial* for understanding the complex systems that make up the world.

[seat-safety-switch]

For a couple years, I worked in a video store in a small town. In many ways, this was the culmination of a childhood dream: routine, unchallenging labour. If you were a particularly annoying labour analyst, all I actually ever “did” was ring up rentals, restock returns in the morning, and clean the windows. Customer service has its own way of filling the space left by the actual work, though.

People who have worked retail are a sort of elite corps. For one thing, you’re never rude to another retail employee for the entire rest of your life. You’ve been in the trenches, too, and even if you somehow managed to escape, you’d still have had that shared trauma to know how bad that shift could get for that shelf-stocker at Maybe’s Drugs off I-40.

I have all the usual complaints, but there’s something else, too. My unique problem is this: I had this one customer who came in every Monday morning, asking for the same movie. We never had that movie, which is the crux of our conflict. He – and I can’t remember his name anymore, even if the electroshock therapy had been effective – never took “no” for an answer, and would come back the next week. He’d ask for the same thing, by title. No other details: no barcode, no publisher, no actors. Not even a description of the plot (he hadn’t seen it yet, obviously.) Now, this was before broadband internet was widely available, so I’d have to dial up after hours to America Online, and see if the movie had been added to their database. It never did, except one night I saw some folks talking about it in a video store chat room.

Their customers, too, were asking for this film. Insistently. After talking about it that night, we decided that we would form a bit of a trade union group. If any of us heard anything on this mysterious VHS, we would share the knowledge with the rest of the group. That retail-worker camaraderie at work again, you see. Nothing ever came of it, but I did end up becoming good friends with a manager at a Hobart’s Movies in Ames, Iowa, and we were even roommates for awhile before he got a new job at Seaworld. I moved on, too, making my slow, but inevitably in retrospect, drift towards the coast. Still, the whole thing bothered me. For years afterward, I would turn on my computer every Monday night, long after I had left the job, and search for any clue as to the existence of this film.

Once, on a day off, I called a librarian, who got pissy at me for even asking about it, and demanded to know who had put me up to calling her as a prank. I hung up in a panic, but she called back for hours. Obviously, she was also undergoing the same situation, and I felt shame at having brought a momentary pain to another proud Retail-American.

Now, video rental stores are a thing of the past. Even in small towns, they have been reduced to just a fond memory and an abandoned corner of a strip mall. Maybe my customer’s quest doesn’t matter anymore. The aggregation of the world’s knowledge into one hissing, unseen beast at the centre of our collective technological hallucination is complete. If they don’t have it, pick a different one. All I know is that, one day, someone will find a copy of this movie, and I’ll be able to go back to that town and shove it in the ground where the video store once stood. On that day, I can finally rest, freed from the slavedriver that is Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.

[feminismisstillahatemovement]

Hey I was checking your blog and I was wondering if you were the people who asking what they teaching kids in schools about slavery

Well as someone who was part of the American education system. Let me tell you a little secret

Arab, Asian, and ESPECIALLY African slavers are intentionally left out of the education systems

Like remember the women king movie that lionized the Dahomey? Well fun fact for generations my community, the African American community, was told for generations that Africa was that garden of peace until the white devils came and ruined it. In fact I didn’t even know about the Dahomey until people was exposing the atrocities they did after the women king trailer dropped.

I had a near mental breakdown learning that black Americans basically did a equivalent of “Holocaust survivors romanticizing the Nazis” and I’m only 23 so you can just imagine the mental hell for older black Americans when they learn who really sent us to the Americas.

I just wanted to point that out because your British no and I often see non Americans wonder why we constantly make weird ass statements.

Like….black Americans was taught since they were in the fucking womb that slavery was only “white people enslaved black people”

Sorry for this heavy topic, just saying you guys are in a doozy with Americans for awhile

It's true, America is incredibly insular in some ways - perhaps because it is so big - and as a result it sometimes projects its own problems and skewed perceptions onto the rest of the world. And, because it has been the world empire this past century, the rest of the world often falls in line with those views too.

But slavery has always been with us: every race has bought and sold every other race, and Africans were buying, selling, trading and enslaving other Africans for thousands of years before any white-skinned devils bearing gunpowder turned up on their shores.

You'd think that basic and inarguable truth would be the first thing schools would teach impressionable children about this matter, but today they're much more intent on making them want to destroy western civilization for no reason.

[disregardcanon]

thinking about a npmd characters yellowjackets au and oh boy it's fun

okay so the premise is, the hatchetfield high school nighthawk football team is going to nationals. i'm pretty sure that doesn't exist for american high school football but we're suspending disbelief.

solomon lauter is trying to build up goodwill with the community for this election cycle, so not only does he charter a private plane for the football team, he makes his daughter go with. HE doesn't have time to go to seattle and it's not like most people will see him there anyway, but if he puts his daughter on the plane with them and says oh look my daughter is so kind and supportive! she's taking time away from HER own schoolwork and HER own life to support our fighting nighthawks! what a kind and involved citizen she is!

and then of course he pressures her teachers to just. let her off the hook for activities in classes that week. because she's such a kiiinnnddd person who's supporting the football team.

richie, of course, is essential for an excursion such as this. he's zeke the fighting nighthawk! he's on that plane. ruth has some overlap with misty quigley that i find interesting, so we're making her the equipment manager. this is half to get her on the plane and half because i think she'd use that as an excuse to be a pervert. like oooohhh i'm so sorry! i didn't think there would be boys CHANGING in here right now! myyyy mistake.

max and the football team and brenda and the cheer squad are all there. now however do we get our dearest spankoffski on that plane? (ruth says that she needs help with equipment management duties and pete's already the salutorian of the class... so she's able to sell him just missing this second to last week of school alright to the teachers. he doesn't really WANT to, but steph, who he's been bonding with since she got him to help her cheat and then actually helped her study... asks him to. because she says she's going to be bored out of her mind without someone to hang out with... and he's only HUMAN, okay?)

now how do we get grace temperance chastity on a plane full of horny teenagers for an activity that she doesn't do? why making her the president of the FCA (fellowship of christian athletes) of course! she is the self-assigned chaperone of such an important and potentially very horny and drug-ridden activity in such a den of sin (seattle). SHE is the only thing standing between the students of hatchetfield high and total anarchy. as valedictorian (peter, if you just applied yourself and maybe went to chuuurrrcchhh you might have beaten me! grace will you just shut up-) she is not worried about her grades in this penultimate week of school. oh BOY was she wrong.

they of course crash in the canadian rockies. the coaches die, and we're left with absolute fucking anarchy. everyone save our favorite quintet listen to max for awhile as he dictates the ways that heeee, max jagerman, think things should be run. it's bad! it doesn't work! they're gonna fucking die!!!!!!!

jagerman is more worried about how to keep his power and where steph keeps disappearing to than figuring out how to stay alive in case of... not getting rescued.

ruth has GAD and is just freaking the fuck out in the corner, richie is doing the same, and pete is trying to figure out. how the fuck to survive in case of no rescue coming. steph's on team I Think We Should Prepare, Jesus Christ! and grace enjoys survival situations so she's over here. she also thinks that the act of god might be that they're stuck out here and have to build a new jerusalem (tehehe)

the combined powers of steph's charisma and kindness, pete's problem-solving, and grace's intensity and sureness in herself, they convince the rest of the group that they found a safer spot... a lake, where they might find water and food and not die here by the plane while waiting for a rescue that might not come.

the rest of the group listens, showing the first crack in max jagerman's power, and he has a very ugly blowup but eventually follows.

he IS going to die out there. he IS going to be the first to die out there. and they are going to eat him :) but it's also max jagerman who's in the narrative role of jackie. so he's gonna haunt this fucking narrative! OHHHHH YEAAAAAAHHHHHHH

other tidbits: max deciding to for real pursue grace is mainly about trying to break her power base because he's pissed she's the one everyone's listening to now, but he also... does think that's hot. :3

grace IS going full girl-prophet. lottie tempered her girl-prophet ways in season 2 because she realized that things were going wrong... grace thinks she's god's anointed so she is not going to do that. not at all.

stephanie HAS got a gun. a hunting she will go. a hunting she will take pete. (we're out here starving in the woods and you think that pete and i shouldn't... sleep together? with fucking CONDOMS!?!?! what is your prOBLEM? he's a loser and you're COOL! we're not in fucking high school, max! grow! up!) they're getting some of that Narrative Conflict With The Superstitions that defines natalie's character.

ruth WOULD find the porno mags she WOULD show everyone and when grace tries to confiscate them for Jesus Reasons ruth would find one to squirrel away just for herself. i am also assigning ruth butcher because i think she could handle the guts, and also.. i'm sorry the idea of ruth throwing girls' nights with jagerman's corpse in the freezing cold meat shed just works in my brain.

i'm gonna give richie van's How Do We Make Sense of All These Times I Almost Died and this ABSOLUTE Bullshit!??!! plot line, along with assigning him group morale and Person Who Tells the Stories.

when it gets to the card pull grace WILL be rigging it to get rid of "dirty dudes". jason gets got first. and grace keeps giving lautski and ruth cryptic warnings about cleaning up their sexual act or else and they're just like hahaha i'm in danger...

somehow grace thinks that this is all compatible with her christianity! i love her <3

[the-zapped-part-timer]

Penn Zerothon Day 8

3 Big Problems🏝

My Ramblings: Dodge ball showdown! I don't think you're allowed to kick the balls but whatever, it's Sashi, she don't care! Boone just straight up sacrificing people for shields is so out of left field it's comes back to being funny. Penn is pretty big brain here but, wow, what a dirty move using some firefighter's bell and pretending it's the school bell! How do they have time for this? All for the promise of pizza!? Either way, Sashi's blank expression is beautiful. We've all felt that.

And then that was the tragic end of Penn Zero. What a fun little show, if only he didn't cheat. Joking aside, Phyllis was straight up gonna send his ass to the sun because she thought he had Pandorian Moon Warts... savage. Is it really that bad? I guess so. At least she apologized.

He's so excited to just be a lizard, honestly? So would I. Nice Geico reference.

Love the twist in this episode, you'd think Rippen and Larry would be the kaiju, because in most media, kaiju are depicted as city-destroying, rage-fueled monsters but the other side of that spectrum, they can be good! Take Godzilla for instance, can either be a nuclear bomb or a protector of humanity. It would've also been easy to make the Duo evil monsters and have an awesome kaiju battle... damn, that actually does sound cool. Anyways, they make them human bad guys, not too dissimilar to The Iron Giant.

Like the detail of Sashi's mission display being humongous, just like them. And the detail of when Penn talks, small flames spew from his mouth.

KAIJU WILHELM!

How did Boone know he could toot his horn? Bringing back a classic Larry gag but with a simple twist to it, it's short.

The eyebrow checking joke between Ripoen and Madame President, like so many, have been ingrained into my mind forever. It's so dumb but good. During Rippen's spiel, Larry is so serious looking and laser focused, I love him.

TNT Museum... very American thing. But this isn't America, it's Island City, baby! Penn talking down to the humans for the city planning is so hilarious, makes him sound like he was never a human before. Love the delivery.

Have I mentioned my uneasiness for disaster movies? I just hate how that could just happen and I'd be screwed. Even if it's as farfetched as Kaiju or very unnatural disasters, it wigs me out. I hate thinking about what I'd do in that situation. Especially two movies that terrified me... one of them is dumb but the other... I hate thinking about so much, makes my stomach twang in anxiety a bit.

Why doesn't Sashi speak for Penn? I thought because he's an ape and there go, he can speak to humans? But no, Penn can talk to them, but you, fire. So why not Sashi?

I'd be on Rippen's side if I didn't know anything at all. I think the President is crazy, which she's a little... quirky. Just saying, way too much trust! Why hasn't she gone and talked to the Kaiju before hand if she likes them that much? The island was there before and it takes awhile to build a city on an island I'm sure.

And here's these two, Eva (President) and Larry... man said, like, two sentences and is already smitten, and drawing Larry all muscular as he carries her in his big, strong arms... Ma'am! It's a good quick doodle, I'll give her that but MA'AM!? Thank you, Rippen for taking her pen away. When she calls him handsome and rugged, he does take the compliment to Rippen slight surprise (and possible jealousy? Who knows with that guy). I do like her, by the way! She's hilarious in her deliveries and mania behind half of them.

Her logic makes sense, you want an easy code to the Monster Buster Bomb (tm) but also you want a more secure code to the Monster Buster Bomb (tm), just as secure as Rippen's diary. Which of course he has, I want to read it. I need to read it! Hey! Do give each other that look, men can have diaries too!

The "tell my best friend I love him" scene is so cute, Boone's even holding Penn's claw hand! ARGH! Sashi just cutting that shit out! Snap out of it, stupids, we're playing dodge ball with bombs!

WHY WOULD YOU BUILD YOUR CITY NEXT TO A VOLCANO!? MY FEARS! Rippen, you're a hopeless coward! I'm sure he's fine with that.

And see that? The instant Eva and Larry are alone and she offers a final dinner together, he nopes right out of there! Man is not interested at the least. Which says a lot, we know Larry, he's down for a lot of things but not this. I'm sure another reason is that he wanted to follow Rippen but still stands, we saw his face.

Hey, Boone gets called a genius way sooner. Good for him.

Iconic line from Madame President: "Bologna." Huh, the "G" is silent. That can't be my last thought!

"Let's focus on the positive!" Girl, the power grid, sewer system, and literally everything else needs to be addressed ASAP!

~The Characters~

Penn Zero:

Boone Wiseman:

Sashi Kobayashi:

Rippen:

Larry:

Dimension(s): Love me some giant monsters!

Forms: We have Godzilla, King Kong, and Mothra or Battra (I don't know for sure). All very fun and fitting forms. I like Penn's the most but Sashi's is really cute and Boone being a ape is the perfect match.

Rippen and Larry, while plain, look very good in those uniforms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cereal Criminals🥣

My Ramblings: ART CLASS, FINALLY! Now we finally see Rippen as an art teacher, 8 episodes in! Starting it off with good Rippen and Penn banter. Also see that Larry is the principal! I'm sure Rippen just loves the thought of Larry being the boss of him everyday at school. And we see Pigoilet, Boone's favorite creation ever. I believe we did see in an early episode but I don't remember which, besides the Pilot. Sashi's are looks really nice! Looks like she may have used painters tape or something like that to get that all nice and straight, makes sense.

Is this the first time a teacher evaluation is used? Or is it the first time that the reward is Larry's parking spot? Probably the ladder.

What hell is must be to half to deal with that in the morning, water sprinkler row. When Boone says: "It appears that the glove is on the other shoe." Rippen is listening and watching Boone's hand so intently, it's funny. He looks like a cat.

Damn Penn, already planning to obliterate Rippen's teacher evaluation. Stone cold. I get it, he's evil and gives you nothing but F-'s. Still stone cold.

The jingles, I love them! Those being physically there, especially when Boone can read the kale flakes in water bit is icing on this cereal cake!

Love that they just assume Rippen is the Milkman, it makes sense. The Milkman himself? Boy, if I had a nickel for every milkman character I like, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. I love unsettling Milkmen! Can you guess the other one? I love how he talks, his design and his ads!

I'd struggle to if I had to say "crispity crunch crop" fast and with a silly voice too.

There's just a guy guarding the outside of Marshmallow Dreams Maximum Security Prison (great name)! Like just a human guy, I know there are human mascots and characters but it's... weird.

Did somebody say, WILHELM SCREAM!? And order a Silence of the Lambs homage?

"Do you like our place?" Larry says in the most adorable way followed with the cutest pose! Your honor, I love him to bits! "You've been here five minutes!" "I take our home seriously." Married couple core Rippen and Larry.

Larry seems kind of embarrassed and guilty-looking about the reason Otis the Opossum ended up in prison. His big wet eyes, poor little guy.

THE BEST SONG EVER! It's literally my ringtone! I sang that constantly, it's so catchy! Do all yourselves a favor and go listen to it again!

Teacher evaluation? Good for leverage. Rippen's little ear perks as Penn pushes all the right buttons, so cute! I wanna pet him!

Here we get Rippen's villain spiel: He's driven by his need to outdo his sister, Vlurgen. This man has some family issues, of course he does. His mama and papa always favored her more, which sadly, we do see later. She has everything he wants, a really evil car, a different magical scepter for everyday of the week, and competent evil henchmen. I like he says "no offense" to Larry, he's growing. Penn is stuck with the knowledge of Rippen's family woes. Just on and on with this guy, it's like he's stalling for time or something...

He is! 3 o'clock hits and they can't stop the Milkman, so Rippen wins, he's finally a full-time villain! HOORAY! Wait, I mean... boo? I mean SIKE! Big Brain Penn Time! He had Sashi set the prison clock back an hour during the pest song number. Everybody clap for them!

Question: How did Larry have that trap ceiling for balloons, cake and the full-time villain hat? Who cares! Also interesting Rippen calls his whole spiel a "blabberfest" like he was making it up or playing it down, but no, all stand very true. He's so downtrodden by this trick.

"I'm going on a milk run." Hard line delivery.

One of the few times that kale saves the day.

Milkman is so OP, it's ridiculous. But he's defeated in the most cursed way imaginable, get slurped into Penn's trunk... eck. Now that looks like, well, certain artwork.

Well, Rippen got a plow of an L, but thankfully an elephant never forgets. Why did he say "generosity" like that with his entire face? Because I wanna emulate that.

The smile at the end. :)

~The Characters~

Penn Zero: He's very smart in this episode. He uses Rippen's desire for the teacher evaluation to get him to talk, and when he correctly assumes that Rippen's need to win, he has the time set back just in case. Even though he did betray them, Penn keeps to his word and gives him a good evaluation, even though he wanted to obliterate him.

Boone Wiseman: No one knowing or liking him as Be Well Beaver is realistic. I like that he's has a slightly out of touch design and lingo us a nice touch, people who want to sell healthy stuff don't exactly know how.

Sashi Kobayashi: She has a gun and I'm sad she didn't get to use it more.

Rippen: We get to learn a lot more about him this episode. His deep-seated rage against his sister and the desire for his parent's attention. Sadly, we don't really get to see any more of this until the "Mr. Rippen" episode. Besides that, he is just as hilarious and devious as ever. Even when he's makes a deal to get a good teacher evaluation, he still backstabs them for the chance of being a full-time villain. He's lucky Penn felt nice that day.

Larry: He's so damn adorable, I couldn't take my eyes off him! He's just trying to make the prison cell look nice.

Dimension(s): Love this world, so fun and creative! It's also very interesting that the mascots are all real in their dimension, just here the mascots are real people. Must be mind-boggling. It's like seeing or reading about an actor and thinking: "Oh yeah, so-and-so from that show I know." But with cereal. Basically being zapped a semi-celebrities in a way.

Forms: Such fun and tasty designs! From chocolate elephant, fruity flamingo and healthy beaver cereals, I'm obsessed with all of them! Each have their own fun strengths, Penn and his trunk, Boone and his beaver skills, and Sashi with her gun! AND THE CUTE LITTLE JINGLES!? I CAN'T!

There's a brand of cereal I see sometimes that's chocolate and has an elephant on it and everytime I'm like: CHOCO CHOCO TRUNKS!? But alas, they aren't.

Wolverine Rippen and Opossum Larry? Adorable. Especially Larry, me and my bestie love Otis! They even quote him from the later episode! And the name Wrong Way Wally goes hard.

[otakween]

0-Man - Volume 3

I can't really tell what's going on on this cover. Is Ricky shirtless and if so, does that mean he has a stripe on his back? (I guess that could just be his shirt). Also...he still has his tail? Did they do that to avoid spoiling things?

Ch. 26

Okay wtf I don't remember Ricky's spear being THAT OP. It's like absurdly OP all of the sudden. Stops dozens of bullets instantly, melts metal, propels the gang out of any dangerous situation. That really messes with the stakes.

I was very confused by the space of this chapter. The characters kinda seemed to teleport from scene to scene without a smooth transition/explanation.

The creative use of speech bubbles was on point again. At one point the bad dude (Lamp? Ranpu?) starts shooting his gun out of rage and instead of words his speech bubble just has bullet holes.

I spotted the little Tezuka cameo. Super cute. He's like Where's Waldo lol

Ch. 27

Dang, it feels like we're entering a new arc rn. Lamp died (presumably). The humans blasted off into space (except for professor Royal) and the 0 men stayed behind on Earth. The humans are trying to find a livable planet and the remnants are planning on fighting the 0 men, turning off the ice machine, and saving the Earth. There are only 18 chapters left and honestly that plot line could take up all of that. Let's see where this goes...

Why'd I feel kinda bad for Lamp when he was dying? It doesn't matter how evil a character is, if they get all desperate and plead for their lives I still kinda feel a lil bit of pity every time.

Ch. 28

So Ricky does end up getting a prosthetic tail (as I accidentally predicted in a previous post). Kinda just feels as if he didn't lose his tail at all now, but it looks cute, so I'm okay with it.

I have no idea what to call Ricky's female 0 man friend. Her name in katakana is リーズ (obviously a play on the Japanese word for squirrel) which my brain is interpreting as "Liz" but it could also be "Lise" I guess? Either way, she's really cute :)

I had no idea what was going on for half this chapter. I understand that Professor Royal is trying (and failing) to negotiate with the 0 men but why is there suddenly an "Earth army?" (Complete with a Native American soldier named Geronimo). I totally thought everyone evacuated but the 0 men and Professor Royal, but I guess not.

Ch. 29

Not much to say about this one. Liz's plan to use a clone of her dad to end the war flops but the main gang's plan to use Liz as a hostage to get negotiations going seemingly works.

Ch. 30

Another action packed chapter! I've been reading the 1960s Iron Man comics and I guess the vibe of that era was just to make every chapter/issue contain an entire movie plot basically. Every chapter has a huge conflict/fight that gets resolved by the end. Each one feels more like a self contained experience than a small part of a whole, slow burn story. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it's a lot more tiring for me to read. Cyborg 009 was like this too.

Another thing about this manga being older is that the hero often uses violence as the answer lol. In this chapter Ricky solves his problems by threatening to shoot the bad guy in the butt. I guess since it's just a threat it's okay for kids?

Ch. 31

So the story gets split between characters once more. Plot A is Ricky being thrown into a pit for attacking the grand priest and being rescued by another pit prisoner Mormo (Molmo?) Mormo looks a little more feral than the other 0 men, probably due to living in a pit for awhile lol.

Plot B is the humans being attack by the 0 men in their rocket and crash landing to escape being killed by a device that causes humans to bump heads to death (one of the weirdest weapons to come out of this manga lol). Professor Royal is about to accept his death when he realizes the effects of the ice age seem to be going in reverse as the ice is melting rapidly. The fate of the humans other than professor Royal is left vague, so they're probably fine.

I kinda thought Mormo was Ricky's dad at first. He has darker fur than him but I thought maybe he was disguised or something. Cool to see another 0 man on the good guys' side.

Ch. 32

Meanwhile, while Ricky's in the pit. His dad saves Liz from being executed by the Grand Priest's men. Liz looked pretty badass when she thought she was going to die. She faced it with dignity.

Now that the ice machine has stopped will the humans in space turn around and come back? How will they know that it stopped? (Maybe you can just tell by looking at the planet lol Edit: yes, that's exactly what happens).

Ch. 33

I feel like 50 different things happened in this chapter including the introduction of more random 0 men characters who may or may not be important later. More importantly tho, Ricky reunites with his dad and Liz. (Only for her to run away like two seconds later. These characters just can't stay together!)

So apparently the Earth's temperature is just going back to normal naturally? How the heck does that work? Is the sun just more powerful than the 0 man ice machine? Also, is no one concerned that the temperature will go too far in the opposite direction (too hot)?

Suddenly there's an uprising in the 0 man country. Maybe the manga will end with Ricky becoming the new ruler lol

Ch. 34

Annnd yet again, Ricky is separated from the group. Every time! I'm getting sick of reunions at this point lol.

This chapter ended with Ricky on Mars which means that 0 men apparently have the ability to survive in outer space. What are they water bears!?

What ever happened to Ricky's spear? Is that just gone for good now?

Ch. 35

The humans land in Venus and find the "missing link" between squirrels and 0 men. In other words, squirrel people that are way more anthro lol. Apparently 0 men were originally from Venus and when they came to Earth they evolved to be more like humans. I guess this explains why Ricky can breath on Mars?

I'm glad they came to the conclusion that they probably shouldn't be colonists and take over Venus. Pretty progressive of them honestly.

;-; seriously? Ending the volume with Ricky dying of thirst on Mars? Brutal. Okay, he doesn't actually die, but he's struggling.

[elderemorune]

My Name is August

Before anyone worries, I'm not technically doxxing myself. It's a chosen name, and I wanted to examine it. For awhile, really, but I've been going through it and it took me awhile to figure out what I needed to say about it.

My given name is Christian. My mother, who had me at too young with a man who beat her for daring to carry me (who is not my father, that dubiously given title belongs to the bastard child of American royalty), named be after a terrible Robin Hood movie featuring Kevin Costner whose only redeeming feature is Alan Rickman threatening to cut hearts out with spoons. This name was chosen because she thought it was so cool how Morgan Freeman's character (whose name I cannot recall) referred to Robin as Christian.

Yeah.

I'm sure other people have naming stories that are just as stupid, but this is my blog and we're here to talk about me. Anyway, the choosing of my name rings as thoughtless to me. Just "That sounds cool". Being blunt, this is simply how my entire life has felt.

Proving that point, I was recently diagnosed with CPTSD. No, I have not told my folks, no matter how much I want to, because I know they'll make it all about them. Mom will wail about how it's her fault she was such a bad mom, and dad will stare angrily at me for a moment before recognizing that I'm right and then doing nothing to accept responsibility, let alone prevent future behaviour like it.

I was constantly abandoned. Left to my own devices because to quote my father directly "You were always fantastically independent."

I had to be. In so many goddamn ways, I raised myself. On TV, on video games, on movies and comics and of course, the Internet. As long as I wasn't causing trouble, you said. Unless of course my sister caused trouble but blamed me, and you grounded me despite my protestations of innocence. Often willfully, you later admitted to me. It was just fucking easier to ground me, rather than be a fucking parent and discipline your daughter. And you wonder why I hate her.

And mom, she isn't innocent in this either. See, I was raised on infidelity and harem anime, though both of them deny their charges. Dad saying "Well, that's an unfair characterization" of mom waking us up at 4:00 AM to pack our shit and leave because you were fucking a woman in Seattle? What else would you call that, father? And mom denying that she watched all that much only to buckle as I refer to several (Ai Yori Aoshi, Fruits Basket, Tenchi, etc.).

Beyond the harem anime, which is mostly a joke, she just didn't fucking leave him. She never once put my needs above hers. Desired the financial safety net. "Well, he could have buried me in legal fees" she said, "But I know he never would have done it." she says after some pressing.

My father was verbally abusive to everyone in the house. Physically abusive with only me, though my sister will insist he beat her despite even he himself admitting to only ever hitting me. When I didn't know a math problem's solution, it was a swift smack up the backside of my head. When I 'misbehaved' (didn't do what he wanted when he wanted) it was a smack. This kept on until I got big enough to hit him back. All it took was one punch to the gut to remind this obelisk of a person that he was indeed human, and so was I.

Mom knew about this, of course. She turned a blind eye to it until I hit him back. Then I was in trouble for not toeing the goddamn line. Grounded again for an amount of time that by then no longer mattered.

And let's not forget my fucking sister Amy! Oh boy, what a trainwreck! First off, I fucking hate my sister. My entire life, anything I had to work for, she was simply given because it was otherwise 'unfair' and my folks didn't want to listen to her bitch. She's even gone so far as to co-opt my trauma! We did a exactly one family therapy session, wherein she said, in front of the therapist, that she was scared of dad because he used to hit her. It was silent for a moment, then father coughed. "Um. No. I never hit you. I only ever hit your brother, because I was taught you don't hit girls."

The counselor then chimed in. "Amy, I mean this with kindness, but you and I have been working together for a long time. You've told me before that your dad never hit you. What are you trying to say here?"

Amy, incredible performer that she is, rose up, said "FUCK YOU" at the top of her lungs, and stormed out. A classic tactic from her teenage years, where she would do this, storm out of the house, often barefoot, screaming about how she hoped she starved to death in the woods and maybe then they'd understand how fucking awfully they treated her.

Frankly, I hate all of these people. The worst part is how they know about the ways in which their behaviour impacts me. They are all moving to Florida this month, with my folks moving Amy into their new home for "at most 30 days" (yeah right) and buying her a car.

Amy says the car's a gift, mom says the car has payments on it. I don't know who to believe, and at this point I don't care. I had to work for my fucking car. She didn't. It's the same shit on a brand new day.

Like with my goddamn house.

See, my wife and I got married on October 31st of 2020. It wasn't the wedding we wanted, but it was the one we needed. We got back from the honeymoon, and mom and dad are talking about helping us get a mortgage on a house. Well, Amy hears this, and of course, like the 27 year old woman she is, she pitches a fucking tantrum about how unfair it is that "They get a house and I'm stuck here".

Well, mom and dad can't go about being unfair to their kid, now can they? After all, it would be so unfair to give a married couple a normal married couple gift and not give that same gift to their seemingly single daughter.

So father had a bright idea. Start an LLC, buy a house, and rent it to us.

My wedding gift, reduced to an apartment, turned into a living nightmare, because anything else would have been unfair.

Let's expand on the living nightmare, shall we? Over the course of sharing a roof with my sister, she:

Told us if we got pregnant she'd kill herself. Mom asked us to stop trying while we live with her because of how triggering it would be for her.

2: Threatened to kill herself if we got another dog. Mom and dad asked us to consider how unfair it would be to her and her 'emotional support' dog that she hadn't trained.

3: Called my wife a fat bitch on multiple occasions, including in front of my mom, and then claimed amnesia. "I don't remember calling her that, I never said that. You're taking what I said out of context." She still won't apologize, even when confronted with a recording of her doing it.

4: When she moved her boyfriend in (without asking us, mind, she lied and told us he'd only be staying a few days), he asked for a space in their area. When we were asked to mediate, she said "Why should I have to give up space in my house?" and when reminded it wasn't her house, she stormed out after shouting fuck you at the top of her lungs, barefoot, marching down a very dangerous street in the middle of the night.

5: Did the same stunt again when we got back from apartment hunting in Seattle because my wife dared to tell her to shut up because we'd just got back in the door.

There's just so goddamn much. All of it awful.

So I'm fucking reclaiming me from this.

My name is motherfucking August Jones, and even though they couldn't do it, I fucking love me. I love who I could be, and even who I was, trapped in their cycle of abuse though I may have been. Shit, I still am, but we're working on that.

Mom, dad, if you find this blog entry somehow, and I hope you don't, don't fucking come to me about how this shit's exaggerated or I'm not remembering it right, I am. The axe forgets, you fucking morons, but the tree remembers.

Amy, if you find this, I hope your husband fucking leaves you, takes his kids, and abandons you in Florida. He may be a doormat, but he deserves better than a slathering narcissist maggot like you.

[pwblogarchive]

January 2002

January 2, 2002

“cold ass motherfuckers” 

no heat in the van. nice. its so cold guys. the shows have been amazing. new years was so much fun. we are going to try to sneak into canada right now. see you soon.

love

pete

January 2, 2002

“canada dry” 

dude canada is great for hardcore. we had to sneak over the border because our contract was no good. somthing about the canadian government trying tolimit american cultures effects. welltheygot a healthy dose of arma angelus today. we had to sneak over. i am writing this one at a youth hostile right now. kids weresinging along and going offtonight in ottowa. i have heard that montreal is only going to be better. i am having the time of my life being sofar away from my problems at home. i just wanted to take the time to thank everyone for supporting us and allowing me to do this-anyway, we’re off to montreal with no heat. but feeling good anyway-

see everybody soon.

love pete

January 4, 2002

“hardcoreisaliveincanada”

first off i have toapologize for how this one looks. the spacebar does not work on this kids computer. so i am going to use “-” thisforaspace.-we-drove-into-montreal-last-night.-and-hung-in-the-city-all-day.-the-show-tonight-was-fucking-sick,.-kids-had-promised-us-it-would-be-a-good-show-and-we-were-not-let-down.-the-kids-here-are-so-great.-kids-went-nuts-when-we-played.-and-we-sold-1000-dollars-in-merch.-more-than-we’ve-ever-sold.-anyway-this-entry-looks-dumb-as-hell.-i-think-our-long-island-show-may-have-fallen-through.-so-we-may-end-up-in-boston-with-throwdown-orhere-again-on-the-hatebreed-show.

anyway-this-is-turning-out-to-be-our-best-tour-ever,-we-have-sold-out-a-bunch-of-our-merch.-we’ll-see-you-all-soon.

love

—-

pete

January 5, 2002

“my voice will be…” 

yes. we played montreal again tonight. it was even better. this time it was with hatebreed, poison the well and A death for every sin. it was hot. like 600-700 kids. kids knew the shit and went off. in between songs i took a picture of all these kids giving the metal sign- it was crazy- a couplehundred kids saying “cheese”- we’ll get it up on our site when we get a chance. i just left with a really good vibe. thanks to all of our friends old and new from canada that made this trip really great for us. we’re trying some of the new stuff live out on the road, so far it has been going over pretty well. on the way back into the U.S. we got stopped for me making up some bunk story of where we were on the spot. the guy then talked to us about goofy stuff and pretty much laughed at us, he was cool though. he knew about drums and stuff. anyway enough bad stories that make no sense. we’re playing philly tommorrow with Kill your idols and Punishment- then newyorkcity with Throwdown and bleeding through. best tour ever. we’re sleeping in syracuse tonight- it feels like a home away from home. its wierd we get crazier reactions on the road than we do in our own city. oh well. canada was a total sucess- and i got to eat all kinds of wierd candy bars and drinks that we don’t have in the U.S.- yes.

see you soon fuckers.

“nobody’s got style like us”

pete

January 5, 2002

“do you ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?” 

i’m so sorry. we got over the border late after hatebreed and didn’t realize that the show started at 2pm today. long story short we’re not going to make it. we will get there one of these days and i apoligize for this one.

oh yeah 1700+ from three days in canada- we'r e thousandaires.

pete

 January 15, 2002

“the oldest movie i ever saw.”

whats up? so we’ve been back for awhile. we’re writing for this slayer comp and the unbroken comp. tim is out of town so we can’t get a whole lot done. oh well. the new stuff we have been working on is totally boss though. you will like it. i’m back in school right now. boring. i think i am going to take next semester off and just do bands full time. hopefully by then between Arma and Fall Out Boy there will be no free time anyway. uh oh new realworld is on in like ten minutes. i bet it is going to be weak as hell. they need to get me up in that motherfucking show. other than band stuff my week has blown. i am slowly slipping out of someone’s life,not for any reason other than i am to busy with band stuff right now. it sucks. but i will just fail you right now anyway. letting people down is like the worst thing ever. “… and in the end i got honerable mention in the movie of my life starring you instead of me… the oldest movie i ever saw was the one made together…” i hav to say i love the guys in my band. i love the people i meet on tour. oh yeah. posi. feb. 2nd we’re playing the metro with rise against and Agnostic Front. be there. love, pete

January 30, 2002

“they only love you when you’re on top” 

haha. pretty hilarious how many people have been calling and emailing me about getting into the Metro show- “you know i always liked you guys”- fucking die. i hate everyone. so much bullshit. hardcore was cooler before the internet and before fuckign losers paraded around yelling “mosh you faggots”. i’m sorry. anyway i think we’re actually gonna get out to detroit and play a show in early march i forget with who. we’re also playing with bloodlet and deadtofall here in march and some other shows. other than that we’re just taking some time to regroup and should hit the road latespring/early summer. it snowed here. sledding. yes. snow always reminds me of tim burton movies. if i had to live forever somewhere it’d be inside one of those. i quit.

tim grenadexjumper: i’m going to LA when we get back blah blah

adam: i’m sick as fuck for real.

pete: don’t do it dude shes fat.

chris xbeastslayerx: but she had some dope ____ hahahaha

jim: you are what killed the core

todd: sleep.

charlie: okay so this is a tour story right?

you should know: the new TKT is good as are first kisses and letters written on napkins at four in the morning. fall out boy is recording- you will listen. tim spent a week in LA he probably has AIDS. Be at the Metro at 6:30 on sunday or i will kill you- if you’re our friend or been supporting us you will be on the list.

love pete

[hiriajuu-suffering]

Texas Midterm Elections 2022

Disclaimer: I'm Libertarian, not a Democrat. You saying I'm a snowflake liberal just shows your internalized notions of white supremacy, whether you, yourself are white-passing or not.

it's been awhile since Texas Democrats have put forward a gubernatorial candidate that could really challenge the redness of the state.

too bad the smear campaign against him seems to be effective. Abbot, Patrick, and Paxton have too much corporate fascist money. all riding on the prosperity Rick Perry is really responsible for. the state government is growing more Islamophobic day-by-day.

The DFW area is a little too misogynistic for a female liberal to take the helm, that's the mistake left-leaning politics made last time

Lizzie probably represents more of what I want to see out of Texas policy than other major political race going on, but the smear campaigns and tough on crime puffing chest rhetoric are really infuriating. calling Hidalgo and her office out as enabling criminal behavior when they're using non-enforcement and nullifying status as a political tool is just disingenuous. I feel much safer in Houston than I did 4 years ago, not to mention how much I respected Lina when we were both high schoolers in Debate on how she competed in Student Congress.

I know the gubernatorial race indicates the lieutenant and attorney general races as well. I actually have less problems with crony Abbott than the Islamophobic Patrick and Paxton, I need Collier and Garza to win to preserve my rights, personally.

The races that are really important for rights preservation in general: turn our courts bluer to show Texans aren't crazy fetus-worshiping zealots like Abbott is.

As a Libertarian, I've always supported Tom Oxford, but he's going against the better judge in his race in Erin A. Nowell

Who else matters to me? Well, I hate Dan Crenshaw with a passion, since he represents all the concentrated racism in Montgomery County. The Nehls brothers represent everything wrong with Texas because they've tried to arrest people for exercising free speech against Republican rule. I had hope Jacey Jetton would be decent, but he's just another Republican puppet, so vote for Daniel Lee on that alone. However, my state district got rezoned to one of the few Republicans I actually agreed with, Phil Stephenson, but he got primaried by the neoNazi Stan Kitzman and won, so I'll be voting for Larry Baggett since Mike Miller has no chance of getting my district because of how anti-3rd party my local politics have gotten.

Is it so much to ask for Republican candidates that respect my 1st Amendment rights, as a non-white Muslim American? or ones that don't want to actively control women's bodies as an extension of toxic patriarchy? Beto O'Rourke stands for something, and even though I don't totally agree with his policy leanings, it's better than treating brown, black, and feminine bodies as less than. Fletcher stands for the rational Texan that I feel represents the informed political consensus of the greater Houston area. Lina Hidalgo has been unafraid to enact the right policies for Houston in spite of the predictable backlash she knew she would get for it and I trust her more than Mayor Turner at this point.

Dan Crenshaw, the Nehls brothers, and Stan Kitzman would prefer we go back to a pre-Civil Rights era Texas, with white supremacy as the law of the land. People like Jacey Jetton enable that behavior through their loyalty and worship of Republican institutionalism.

Local politics are ruled by extremists and cushy moderates, we might never achieve real directional consensus if don't hold Republicans accountable for the anti-American values they've co-opted during the Trump administration.

[grlwtskulltattoo]

Fall For You - Chapter 4

Characters - Jax Teller x OFC (Katrina)

Summary - Katrina leaves an abuse relationship and heads home after finding out about her father’s passing. Old feelings come back to the surface for a person from her past. Story will follow the events of the show as much as possible. How might have Jax’s story changed with a different woman in his life.

Word Count - 8152

Warnings - NSFW, Hardcore Smut, Violence, Angst, Adult Language, Dark Themes, Fluff, Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Accident, Mentions of Physical and Emotional Abuse, Self-Harm. Drinking.

Will add to the warnings as the story progresses. Warnings cover the whole series. Some parts will be more mild than others.

A/N - Feedback is welcomed and encouraged, and may help motivate me to continue. All mistakes are my own. If you would like to be tagged in future parts, please send me an ask to be added to the list.

I know this chapter has been a long time coming. Just took me awhile to get the pieces to fit into the right place. I can only hope that I did it justice. This chapter ended up being twice as long as I expected. I hope that helps make up for the long ass wait…. Oh and there is an added bonus at the end of the chapter…..Smut….If you’re into that kind of thing. I apologize in advance if it sucks…. Been a long time since I’ve written steamy sex scenes. Thanks for following along on this crazy ride.

Katrina spent the week following her father’s funeral preparing the house to put up for sale. She had no desire to continue living in the house that harbored so many bad memories. Her only regret is that bad memories out weigh the good ones involving her mom. She went through all of her father’s belongings. She saved the important stuff, family mementos that mainly involved her mom, some things from her father’s past that she’s curious about, and some items from her childhood. She was surprised to find a shoebox in her closet filled with notes that her, Jax and Opie passed to each other in school. She knew that she should throw them away, but couldn’t bring herself to do it. The stuff she didn’t want to keep was piled up in the driveway under the carport beside the garage for the local thrift store to pick up.

She is leaving the furniture in the house at the recommendation of the Realtor. He told Katrina that having furniture in the house gives potential buyers a better idea of the size of the rooms. Katrina doesn’t really care either way, the furniture will be donated as soon as the house sells. The old Dodge Challenger in the garage Katrina plans to keep. Even if she has to rent a storage unit to store it in until she finds a new place to call home. She is only keeping the bare necessities in the house for her to use until she leaves.

She has to admit that she’s a little relieved that she hasn’t had any unexpected guests. Everything has been pretty quiet since the funeral, other than the explosion that occurred the night before last, on the outskirts of town. She can’t help but wonder if Samcro was somehow involved with it. Maybe that was why Jax hasn’t tried to stop by.

Katrina spent some time pouring over the old photos in her father’s stuff. On the back of the photo of him dressed in Native American regalia was written “Pine Ridge Res”. She wondered if maybe his family lived on the reservation. Maybe she had an aunt or uncle still living there. She was seriously considering taking a drive up there to investigate. Hopefully learn more about his past, so maybe she can understand why he became such a bitter asshole of a father. South Dakota might also be a good place to get a fresh start, away from Charming and far away from Vince.

Katrina puts the photos in an envelope and places it with her duffle in her bedroom. She fixes herself something to eat once she realizes that it’s already evening time. While she is eating, she thinks about the meal Gemma prepared for the dinner after her father’s funeral. She still feels a little guilty for leaving the way that she did. Gemma has a good heart, and has always treated Katrina like family, even if she has a tendency to meddle. Katrina knows in her heart it wouldn't feel right to just leave town without expressing her gratitude to Gemma for all of her help. Once Katrina finishes eating, she cleans up then grabs her jacket. She’s getting a little stir crazy at the house and decides to head over to TM to see if Gemma is still there working in the office. It’s getting a little late, but she remembers Gemma used to work all hours of the day and evening depending on how busy they were.

As Katrina rode her Harley to the shop she knew she was taking a chance on running into Jax. Hopefully he’ll be out doing club stuff, and won’t notice her there. When she pulled into the parking lot at Teller Morrow it was mostly empty save a couple cars and bikes. She parks her bike near the office, relieved to see Gemma’s car parked near the door. When Katrina turns off her bike, she’s surprised that there’s no loud rowdy music coming from the clubhouse. It’s actually pretty quiet. There is light filtering from the office window, so she’s fairly confident that Gemma’s inside. Katrina quietly walks inside the open door, catching Gemma off guard.

“Hey baby, what brings you by?” Gemma asks with concern in her voice. Katrina notices that Gemma looks tired, like the weight of the world is resting on her shoulders.

“I wanted to apologize for leaving the dinner the way I did last week. I feel really bad about it, especially after everything you did to help. I think all the emotions were getting to me, and it was hard listening to all the stories about my father.” Katrina sincerely expresses to Gemma.

Gemma gestures to the chair next to desk, and Katrina takes a seat. “That’s ok baby, I know how hard it is to lose someone. It can take a minute to process everything going on. How are you doing now?” Gemma asks while lightly rubbing Katrina’s arm that is resting on the corner of her desk.

“Better. I cleaned out the rest of the house, got it listed with a real estate agent.” Katrina replies.

Gemma looks a little surprised. “So I guess that means you’re not planning on sticking around.”

Katrina can hear the disappointment in Gemma’s voice. “I don’t belong in Charming anymore. Never really did. I’ll probably stick around for a little bit to make sure everything goes ok with the showings of the house. Then I’m probably gonna take off.”

Gemma shakes her head at Katrina’s first comment. “You’ve always belonged here, Kat. I know Jax and Opie have missed you. I’ve missed you. You were like the daughter I never had. Don’t ever feel like you don’t belong here. You’re family.” Gemma looks Katrina straight in the eyes as she grips her arm.

Katrina sighs as she looks away. If only Gemma knew the truth about her father, maybe she’d understand why this town carried so many bad memories for her. Not to mention the whole Jax and Tara thing. “How are things going here? The clubhouse is pretty quiet.” Katrina asks trying to change the subject.

Gemma loosens her grip on Katrina’s arm. “Been a busy last few days. The club’s dealing with a Mayan problem. Jax’s junkie whore of an ex-wife, Wendy, just gave birth to his son. We don’t know yet if the baby is going to make it. He was born 10 weeks premature with a tear in his abdomen and the family flaw. I just got back to the office after spending a few hours trying to straighten up Jax’s house from the mess his ex left.” Gemma grabs a cigarette from her pack on the desk and lights it.

Katrina is in shock. She didn’t know Jax had an ex-wife and a newborn baby. “Wow. I had no idea.” She’s a little surprised that he was involved with a different women. She had alway imagined that he’d be married to Tara.

“Yeah, it’s been a little crazy around here.” Gemma sighs. “Jax won’t see his son in the hospital. Something about not wanting to get attached incase he doesn’t make it. Which is bullshit, he just doesn’t want to get his heart broken.” Gemma looks at Katrina with a pleading look in her eyes. “Do you think you could talk to him?” Gemma asks hopeful.

Katrina feels uncomfortable with the request. “I don’t know about that.” She tries to decline gently, shaking her head.

“Please, Kat. He won’t listen to me. You and him were so close. Maybe he’ll listen to you.” Gemma pleads.

Ugg. It was the last thing Katrina wanted to do. Get in the middle of family drama. She really doesn't feel it’s her place to get involved, especially since she’s been gone for so long. She’s not as close to Jax as she used to be. She has been trying to avoid that. But seeing Gemma upset breaks her heart. “Ok. I’ll try to talk to him. I can’t make any guarantees that he’ll listen though.” Katrina reluctantly agrees.

“Thank you, Kat. He’s in the clubhouse.” Gemma looks relieved.

Oh shit, right now? Katrina wasn’t expecting to have to do it so soon. She was hoping to have the night to think about how to approach Jax. Katrina reluctantly gets out of her seat followed by Gemma. Gemma takes Katrina in her arms and gives her a little squeeze. “Thank you baby.�� Gemma whispers in her ear.

Katrina gives Gemma a light pat on the back before walking out of the office. As she walks to towards the clubhouse she takes deep breaths of the cool evening air trying to steel her nerves. Mentally preparing herself for all the questions she’s sure to get bombarded with. When she enters the clubhouse, all the memories of her, Jax and Opie running around came flooding back to her. It was where she had her first shot of whiskey on a dare, learned to play poker, rocked out to loud music, and almost had her first kiss. It felt like home.

It was pretty quiet inside the clubhouse, with the exception of music playing at a low volume. She was surprised that there was no one there besides Jax. She spotted him at one of the tables, lost in thought and milking a bottle of whiskey. “So I hear congratulations are in order.” Katrina startles Jax from his drink.

Jax looks up in surprise at the intrusion. “You must have been talking to mom.” He sourly replies.

“Jackson Teller, a father.” Katrina teases him as she nears the table.

“Yeah, for how long.” Jax grumbles.

“Your mom said that you haven’t seen your son yet. Why not?” She asks as she takes a seat at the table across from Jax. She notices the sadness in his eyes at the question.

“Don’t really want my heart broken.” Jax replies, staring at the amber liquid in his glass.

“Yeah, she mentioned the heart defect and stomach issues. Something about a junkie whore. Regardless of that, if it was my son, I would be spending every second I could with him.” Katrina tries to encourage him. “Besides that, he’s got a tough as nails father, so he’s gonna be a little fighter. He’ll pull through.”

Jax smiles a little at that last comment. “So what brings you by? Besides doing mom’s dirty work.”

Katrina knows Jax is trying to change the subject. At least she can tell Gemma she tried. “I came by to apologize to your mom about leaving the dinner early after the funeral.”

Jax nods his head softly. “Yeah, everyone was disappointed you left.” Especially me.

“I thought I could handle hearing the stories about my father, but it got to be a little too much to handle at that moment. Brought up a lot of memories.” Bad memories.

“So where have you been for the last 11 years.” Jax asks pointedly.

And so it begins. Katrina can’t help but wonder if it’s too late to walk out the door. She knew Jax was going to have questions, and she had really hoped to avoid them. She gets up from the table to grab herself a shot glass and a coke from the bar, before returning to her seat. This conversation is going to require an excessive amount of alcohol. She grabs the bottle of whiskey sitting in front of Jax and pours herself a shot. Katrina quickly downs the shot, welcoming the burn of the amber liquid as it travels down her throat. She then takes a sip of the coke to calm the burn. Jax patiently waits for her response, taking a drag from the cigarette in his hand.

“When I left Charming, I bought a bus ticket to Vegas. I got a job working at a casino restaurant as a server, and then I found myself an apartment. I became really good friends with a tattoo artist at a parlor in the casino. He let me apprentice under him and has been teaching my how to tattoo and the ins and outs of the business. One day, I hope to have my own shop.” Katrina decides to leave out the part about Vince.

Jax is surprised. The club has a charter in Vegas that he’s visited numerous times over the years. If only he had known Kat was there too. He might have been able to convince her to come home sooner. At the very least, been able to visit her. He’s missed his best friend. When Katrina left, it hurt more than when Tara left for school. It wasn’t until she left that he realized how wrong he was for not pursuing a relationship with her, despite his fears.

“I have to say, I’m a bit surprised that you and Tara aren’t married with a few little ones running around. And what’s this about a ‘junkie whore’?” Katrina asks. Turn about is fair play.

Jax lets out a soft sigh. “Tara left shortly after you did. She went to the university to become a doctor. Then she went out to Chicago to intern at a hospital. She begged me to go with her. To get out of this ‘cess pool of a town’, but Charming is my home. She was pissed that I prospected into the club with Opie, even though it’s what I always wanted. To follow in my father’s footsteps, and be a part of the club that he helped build. We fought about our futures, more than we got along. We started to grow distant from each other. I wasn’t to heartbroken when she left, like I thought I would be. I was more upset about you leaving than her, even though mom blames her for breaking my heart.” Jax confesses. “Tara just recently returned home and is working at St. Thomas hospital.”

Katrina shakes her head, not surprised about Tara trying to change Jax. She had tried to warn him when they were teenagers, but she had alway felt her comments fell on deaf ears. Some people have to learn the hard way. Katrina pours herself another shot and quickly downs it.

“The junkie whore is my ex-wife, Wendy. She was a club hang-around. Her and I started spending a lot of time together. For me, it was about fighting the loneliness I felt after you left. I never really loved her. We got married a few years ago. She started using drugs, so we grew apart. Separated for awhile. Then she got clean, and did a stint in rehab. We tried to make things work again and got back together. That’s when she got pregnant with my son. Things just didn’t line up for us. I wasn’t happy, so we started growing distant again. I filed for divorce a few months ago. Told her I’d help pay the doctor bills for the pregnancy. Haven’t heard from her in a while. Apparently she started using again even though she was pregnant. Mom went over to our house yesterday and found her passed out on the kitchen floor, bleeding between her legs, with a needle stuck in between her fingers. Mom rushed her to the hospital where they preformed an emergency c-section. My son was born 10 weeks premature with a tear in his abdomen and the family flaw. He only has a 20% chance of survival. I should have kept a closer eye on them, maybe this wouldn't have happened” Jax replies with regret heavy in his voice.

“You can’t blame yourself. If she wanted the drugs bad enough, there’s nothing you could have done to stop her. She would have found a way.” Katrina tries to alleviate some of his guilt.

“That may be so, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. I did beat the shit out of the dealer that has been supplying her with the poison. Wendy apologized for what she did and promised that she’s going to get clean, but it’s going to take some time to rebuild that trust. I think she’s more worried about being charged with fetal abuse, then she is about our son. If Gemma has her way, Wendy won’t be a part of our son’s life. I can’t say I disagree with mom on that.” Jax has a defeated look on his face as he pours himself another shot.

Katrina matches Jax’s shot with one of her own. She’s starting to feel a buzz from the alcohol, but she’s not sure if it’s enough to get through the questions that she knows are coming. She isn’t slurring her speech yet, but it is getting a little easier to talk. It almost feels like old times, chatting with her best friend… almost.

“So… Why did you leave town, without so much as a goodbye?” Jax asks while looking directly into Katrina’s eyes. He sees a momentary flash of pain cross Kat’s face.

There it is. The million dollar question. The one she was hoping to avoid. All the pain and bad memories came flashing back to the forefront of her mind. She knew deep down Jax has a right to know, but it didn’t make it any easier. She can’t help but fear that once he knows the truth about her father, he’ll look at her differently. With pity, or guilt for not realizing what was going on and stopping it. She doesn’t want him to feel sorry for her, she fought her own way out and it made her stronger.

Kat pours herself another shot and takes a sip of it before answering him. “One of the reasons I left was to get away from my abusive asshole of a father. Shortly after my mom died, my father started to become distant to me. It was like the sight of me reminded him of what he lost. Almost like he blamed me for her death, even though she died from cancer. He would loose his temper over the smallest things. That lead to him breaking things around the house. If there were dirty dishes left in the sink, he would throw them across the room shattering them against the wall. If I left my backpack on the floor after school, he’d toss it. He started punching holes in the walls, kicking down doors. After while the only thing that seemed to calm him was liquor. As soon as he arrived home from work he’d grab a beer from the fridge, sometimes a couple of them. When the beer started losing its effectiveness he started drinking more hard liquor and getting into drug use. That’s when I started to become his punching bag. If I got in his way he’d hit or kick me. If he felt I was talking back to him he’d slap me across my face. He told me I was worthless, that I was no better than garbage, and that he couldn’t wait until I was no longer his problem.”

Katrina lightly rubbed the small row of scars near wrist with her thumb, slightly hidden by the skeleton torso tattoo on her forearm. She remembers the pain she felt inside from her father’s words and the relief she felt cutting herself with the small knife she kept in her pocket. She never cut herself deep enough for there to be very much blood, just enough for the physical pain of the blade sliding across her skin to distract her from the pain in her heart.

She glances at Jax’s face and sees the shock and anger in his eyes. Before she continues, she grabs a cigarette from the pack on the table, lights it, then takes a deep drag off it to calm her nerves.”That’s why I used to wear long sleeve shirts and jeans in the middle of summer. To hide all the bruises and scratches on my arms and legs. I stayed out as late as possible with you and Opie, hoping that my father would be passed out before I got home. Some times I’d get lucky and he’d be asleep on the couch, other times I was greeted with him calling me a slut or a whore for staying out so late with the guys. I tried to avoid him as much as possible. When it got closer to graduation I started planning my escape. I saved as much money as I could from my after school job, and used it to buy a bus ticket. I just always seemed to be in the way. So when I got old enough, I got out of the way”

"Why didn't you say something? Tell us that was going on.” Jax is heartbroken and angry to find out that his best friend had been suffering and he did nothing to stop it. He remembered the nights when he, Katrina and Opie hung out. Remembered her reluctance to go home when Gemma said it was time to get ready for bed. Or the nights Katrina begged him to hang out for just one more hour, even though it was already getting pretty late.

"What? So that you could 'save me'. I didn't want your pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I didn't need you to fight my battles.” Katrina defends her silence on the matter, a hint of scorn in her voice.

"So you run away instead? Leave behind every one you've ever known. The people that love and care about you." Jax accuses her, the hurt evident in his eyes.

"Seems to me like you were busy loving someone else." Katrina mumbles under her breath.

Jax gives Katrina a confused look. He wasn’t sure he heard her right, but he had a feeling she was referring to his relationship with Tara. “Now that your father is gone, are you planning on sticking around Charming?” Jax asks, hopeful that there may be an opportunity for them to spend more time together. To reconnect.

Katrina sighs before downing the rest of her shot. “I put the house on the market. The stuff I plan on keeping I’m going to get a storage unit for until I find a new place. I’m not planning on going back to Vegas, but I am thinking of heading north. Maybe towards the Dakotas.” She sees the disappointment on Jax’s face.

“I was kind of hoping that you were going to stick around for a bit.” So maybe I could change your mind about leaving. Jax feels crestfallen, his heart is pounding in fear that she’ll leave and he’ll never get a chance to find out if they would be good together. Ever since Katrina returned to Charming, the what if’s and should’ve beens have been plaguing Jax’s mind. He knows now that it was a mistake hooking up with Tara back in high school. It should have been Kat. She always understood him, never made him feel that he had to choose between her or the club. Things might have been so different for both of them.

“I was going to stick around for maybe another week or two, just to make sure there are no problems with showing the house. Incase something major needs to be fixed.” Katrina reassures Jax, although, by the look of his face he’s not.

“So are you seeing anyone?” Jax isn’t sure he really wants to know the answer, but he can’t help himself. He has to know if she’s involved with another man. If there is even the slightest chance he can convince her to stay.

“I was, but it’s over now.” She really doesn’t want to elaborate on her relationship with Vince, and she hopes that answer is enough to appease Jax.

Jax feels a flicker of hope. “You said your dad was one of the reasons why you left, were there any other reasons?” Despite what Kat was going through with her dad treating her like shit, Jax still couldn’t wrap his head around the idea that she would just leave. Without any warning or even a goodbye. They were best friends. He has never felt as close to another person as he did her, and for her to disappear the way she did, crushed him. He has a feeling there is more to the story.

Katrina groans inwardly at the question, but at this point, with the alcohol coursing through her veins she feels there is no point in holding back. She has already confessed one of her darkest secrets by revealing her past with her father, what’s one more secret. It’s not like it can change the past.

“The other reason I left was because it killed me seeing you and Tara together. I’ve had feelings for you since we were kids. I thought as we grew up and got older those feelings would change, but they never did. I was in love with you and it broke my heart seeing you with her.” Katrina confesses feeling extremely exposed. She just laid her heart and soul on the table.

Jax is blown away by her answer. He feels a sense of relief that she shares his feelings. He knew she cared about him when they were younger, but he always felt that she probably cared about him in a sort of brother sister way. To find out that she was in love with him made his heart soar, and gave him even more hope that there is a chance they could be together. If he can convince her to stay and give them a chance. “Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt?” Jax asks, even though he can guess her answer.

“I was afraid you didn't feel the same way towards me, and it would just come across as jealously towards Tara. That it would change the way you felt around me, the way you acted around me. I was afraid of losing my best friend.” Katrina admits.

Jax feels like a dumbass now. All this time wasted that they could have been together. If they wouldn’t have been so afraid to tell each other. “I also have something to confess. I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Since we were kids.”

Katrina looks at Jax with surprise on her face. She never expected to hear those words come out of his mouth. Maybe he didn’t mean it. Maybe it was the whiskey talking. "So why didn't you ever tell me how you felt?" Katrina asks, genuinely intrigued.

"Because I was terrified that if or when I fucked things up between us, I would not only lose the woman I loved, but I'd also lose my best friend. It wasn’t until after you left that I realized the mistake I made. And I lost you anyways." Jax admits, his voice filled with sadness and regret.

“If you had feelings for me, then why did you hook up with Tara?” Katrina asks in confusion.

“I had some feelings for Tara, but I don’t think I was ever truly in love with her. She was more of a distraction from my feelings for you. Same with Wendy. Every time I was with them, it was your face I saw.” Jax feels a little weird for revealing that part, but it was the truth. Every woman he’s been with he pictured Kat’s face. Wished it was her, he was with.

“When you were dating Tara, I always felt invisible to you. I felt like you saw me as just one of the guys. You started to become distant to me, so I started spending more time with Opie. It seemed like every time you paid even a little bit of attention to me, Tara would snatch it away. It got to the point, where I started avoiding you, to keep myself from getting hurt.” Katrina confesses.

Jax winces at her words. He hates himself for how he hurt her, even though that was never his intention. In his mind, he was trying to protect her and their friendship, by avoiding what his heart yearned for. “I am so sorry, Kat. I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to bury my feelings for you because I was afraid. I was afraid you didn’t feel the same way towards me and I’d ruin our friendship. I didn’t want to lose you. You have no idea how much I regret those decisions.” Jax sincerely apologizes. He takes Katrina’s hand into his and looks into her eyes. The years of pain and hurt shine in her eyes and he feels heartbroken that he caused some of that pain.

“Yeah, well, that’s all in the past.” Katrina tries to brush it off. She still feels the sting of all those memories, even if it feels like a lifetime ago.

“What if we gave us a shot?” Jax asks, hopefulness in voice. He has vowed to himself that if the opportunity ever came up to be with Kat, that he wouldn’t hesitate.

Katrina looks at Jax in surprise at his question. She feels butterflies in her stomach at the prospect of finally getting what she had always wanted. To finally be with the man that she has been in love with most of her life, but another part of her feels cautious. “I don’t know, Jax. A lot has changed since we were kids. We’re not the same people we were back then. We’ve both changed. Hell, you’re a father now, and VP of SAMCRO.” Katrina is trying to rationalize in her head why this is a bad idea, even though her heart is pounding with excitement. The alcohol running through her veins isn't helping the situation.

“Come on Kat. We both have feelings for each other. I know the first time I laid eyes on you, when you got back into town, I felt butterflies in my stomach. All of those old feelings I had for you came rushing back. I can’t stop thinking about you, and how much I want you in my life.” Jax pleads with her. He has never wanted something as bad as this. To make a life with Kat by his side.

Katrina hesitates to give Jax an answer. This isn’t something to just rush into, especially with her alcohol hazed brain. She needs some time to think this through. She is supposed to be getting out of Charming, not tying herself down. She can’t help but be concerned about Vince. What if he tries to track her down. As much as she hopes that he’ll take the hint, that she’s not coming back, she can’t help but fear that he won’t be so willing to let her go. Even though she has no doubt that Jax will do everything in his power to protect her, she doesn’t feel it should have to be his problem.

“Jax, it’s not that easy. We both have other things going on in our lives. There’s no guarantee that us being together will even work.” Katrina tries to dissuade him. She doesn’t want to get his hopes up for something that may just be a pipe dream.

“At least we could try. If it doesn’t work then so be it, but I can’t live with the what ifs and could have beens without at least giving it a chance.” Jax tries his best to convince her. If he has to get down on his knees and beg he’s not afraid to do it.

“Maybe we should think this though. Preferably when we’re both not drunk.” A part of Kat wants to say yes….god yes… but she also doesn’t want to agree to something she might regret.

Jax is a little disappointed in Kat’s hesitation, but at least she hasn't said no yet. There may be hope.

Katrina gets up from her chair, her legs feel a bit wobbly. “I should probably head home, it’s getting late.”

“Like hell, you are” Jax replies a little too sharply, while grabbing the keys to her bike off the table. He rises from his seat to face her.

Katrina stares daggers at Jax, a little miffed at his tone. If he thinks he can control her and what she does, he’s got another think coming.

Jax quickly realizes how that came across. “Sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come out that way. It’s just, we’ve both been drinking…a lot. You’ve pretty much matched me shot for shot. I wouldn’t feel safe getting on my bike right now, and I don’t think it’d be a good idea for you to either. I’d hate to wake up in the morning, and find out that you wrapped your bike around a tree or something. You should probably crash here tonight.” Jax tries to explain.

Katrina is a little relieved at Jax explanation. It makes sense, although she’s not sure its a great idea to spend the night at the club house.

Jax approaches Kat, the draw of being near her to great to deny. He gently places his hand on her check, the memory of the bruise around her eye flashes across his mind. His thumb lightly caresses her check bone, but when there is no flinch from her, he is relieved that the wound has healed. He still feels that flash of anger that anyone would dare to raise a hand to her. He slowly lowers his lips to hers, aching to feel their softness against his. He has longed to kiss her for as long as he can remember.

Katrina is a little nervous at Jax’s closeness, but her body is quick to respond despite the warnings in her mind. When she feels Jax’s lips against hers an excitement courses through her veins. The feel of his velvety lips against hers was almost as intoxicating as the whiskey they have been drinking. Jax’s hands start slowly sliding down Katrina’s neck then around to her back, where he gently coaxes her into an embrace. Her body melds to his like it was made for it.

As the kiss deepens, warning bells go off in Katrina’s head. Her rational mind warns her that she should stop this from going any further, but years of pent up longing urge her to keep going. Katrina is swept up in the smells of leather, smoke and light cologne, with a hint of vanilla that seemed uniquely Jax. Before she realizes what is happening, she feels Jax’s hands lightly caress the sides of her breasts before traveling down her waist to rest on her hips. He draws her hips in closer to his and she can feel the evidence of his arousal. His breathing gets heavier, and Katrina feels the butterflies in her stomach.

Even though in her mind she knew this was a bad idea, Jax was like a drug, and she was jonesing for a hit. There was a passion between her and Jax that she had never felt with Vince. Maybe it was because it had been building since their youth. The feelings they had been holding back finally able to be explored. Katrina gives as much as she takes, returning Jax’s kiss with a fever of her own. She lightly rubs the tip of her tongue on Jax’s lips until he grants her access to his mouth. She hears his groan as he starts grinding his erection into her stomach. Jax starts guiding her to his dorm room without breaking the kiss. By the time they enter the room, they are both breathing heavily. Jax kicks the door shut with his foot, not wanting to break contact with Kat.

Katrina reaches for Jax’s belt intent on releasing it as she starts to kneel down in front of him. Jax grabs her arms and lifts her back up. “As much as I’d love to see your beautiful face going down on me, I want tonight to be all about you. I want to show you how strong my feelings are for you.” Jax expresses to her.

This is a new experience for Katrina, and she can’t help but feel a little excited about it. When she was with Vince, it was all about what he wanted and how he wanted it. Often times it seemed their lovemaking was very one sided, with her left feeling unsatisfied. Like she was just a toy for his pleasure.

Jax cups Katrina’s face and gives her another soul searing kiss. She can’t get enough of the taste and feel of his lips on hers. His hands wander down to the hem of her shirt and he gently lifts it up. They break the kiss long enough to get the shirt over her head. Jax then goes after Katrina’s belt, pulling it loose from its buckle, then he quickly releases the button on her dark jeans. He slowly slides her jeans down her legs then ghosts his fingers over her panty clad pussy. He smiles when he hears her sharp intake of breath. Katrina toes off her boots then slides the jeans off the rest of the way.

Jax takes a step back to take in Kat’s beauty while he kicks off his own shoes. Her black bra and panties compliment her tanned skin. He takes off his kutte and drapes it over the back of a nearby chair. The question of whether Katrina has more ink finally being answered. He has seen the tattoos on her arms, but now he’s seeing a large dreamcatcher on one of her sides and a colorful feather on the other. There is a black crow with a purple background on her collarbone and an angry wolf surrounded by roses on her thigh. He can’t help but admire the art adorning her body and is surprised that he finds himself getting even more aroused seeing it.

Jax guides Katrina to the bed where she sits on the edge and watches as he removes his pants and white t-shirt. He tosses them onto the growing pile of clothes on the floor. Jax approaches her in just his boxers not bothering to hide the fact that his cock is straining against the material. He tilts her face up for a quick kiss before his lips and tongue start wandering down her neck. He can’t help himself as he leaves a small hickey just above her collarbone. Jax caresses her breasts over the fabric of her bra, before reaching around to unclasp it and watching in awe as her perfect breasts are exposed. He takes one nipple into his mouth sucking and using his tongue to tease it into a peak, while he lightly caresses the other bud. His gently pinches and rolls her exposed nipple with his calloused fingers until it hardens and becomes sensitive. He then laves the other nipple with his tongue, sucking until he feels Kat squirm. Kat feels a tingling sensation travel from her stomach to her core. She can feel wetness gathering in her panties.

Jax lightly pushes on Katrina’s shoulders, encouraging her to lay back on the bed. Settling between her thighs he continues to lavish her body with attention, kissing and licking his way down to her panties. He starts rubbing her clit lightly through her underwear, just enough to cause her to squirm towards his hand. Her breathing becomes erratic, hitching every time his fingers touches the right spot. He can sense a bit of frustration from her at his teasing, causing his lips to curl into a smirk. Finally Jax runs his fingers along the top edge of her panties, slowly pulling them down her thighs, and leaving a trail of kisses and licks in their wake.

That first flick of Jax’s tongue on Katrina’s clit causes an explosion of sensations coursing through her body. She can’t remember the last time someone went down on her, making this time feel like the first time. Jax’s warm breath, and the feel of his whiskers rubbing on her most sensitive area threatening to send her over the edge. Jax can sense her body tensing up, like a coil ready to snap, so he starts kissing the inside of her thighs to give her a chance calm. Once her breathing returns to some semblance of normal he focuses his attention back on her core. The light ghosting of his tongue in her folds and around that little bundle of nerves feels like heaven to Kat. It doesn’t last long though. Jax quickly starts licking and sucking her bud like a man starved for water.

“God baby, you taste like honey to me, and I can’t get enough.” Jax praises her between breaths, as he laps up her juices.

It takes everything inside of Kat not to lose control. She runs her fingers through Jax’s hair as he continues his assault on her clit. His tongue then prodding her slit, going directly to the source of her sweetness. Katrina’s moans increase, and Jax’s name becomes a silent prayer. She then feels his finger teasing at her entrance. Lightly caressing through her folds, gathering moisture before sliding the slender digit inside her. He pumps his finger in and out, surprised at how tight she is. The feeling of her walls clenching on his finger sending a fresh surge of arousal straight to his already straining cock. He could tell the tip of it was already leaking pre-cum. Jax adds another finger inside her to help prepare her for what’s to come. He twists his fingers around and starts doing a come hither motion. Jax quickly finds that little bundle of nerves inside her that will probably be her undoing. He can feel her clench around his fingers and her thighs start to squeeze. Kat starts pulling his hair as he continues licking her clit and rubbing that hidden gem inside her. He can tell Kat is getting close to her release by her ragged breathing and the tightening of her muscles.

“Fuck, Jax, don’t stop.” Katrina manages between shuddering breaths. She can feel the knots in her stomach unraveling. Her impending orgasm right on the cusp of sending her over the edge. Her moans get louder the closer she gets.

“It’s ok baby, you can let go.” Jax encourages her. “Cum for me. Give me some more of that sweet nectar.”

That is her undoing. Jax’s husky voice beckoning her to release the flood gates. Wave after wave of intense pleasure washes over her. Her vision starts to fade and she is seeing stars. Her body shudders and her juices dribble straight into Jax’s waiting mouth. Jax laps every bit of it up as he slows the movement of his fingers. He tries to ease her down from her climax before removing his fingers.

When Kat’s breathing returns to normal she looks down at Jax’s smiling face. The evidence of her release glistening on he mustache and beard. Jax gently withdraws his fingers from inside her pussy, and she instantly feels a void. “I need you inside me.” There is a hunger in her eyes as Kat pleads to Jax. She wants…no needs, more.

Jax stands up and removes his boxers, finally unleashing the beast. Katrina is a little taken back by the size of his cock. She had no idea he was packing that much heat. Explains the loose fitting jeans. She feels a rush of excitement, and maybe a little bit of fear that it’s going to hurt. Jax sees her concern and reminds himself to take it slow, give her some time to adjust. She is nothing like the crow-eaters he’s fucked, girls that have taken so many dicks it a wonder they can feel anything.

“Do you have a condom?” Katrina timidly asks, suddenly nervous. Jax has already produced one son, she doesn’t want to take any chances that tonights actions result in another.

“Yeah, I do.” Jax can’t help but feel a little bummed about not being able to experience her pussy bareback, but he understands. He reaches into the nightstand drawer and pulls out a little foil package. Katrina watches in fascination as he tears it open with his teeth and pulls out the rubber. Jax strokes his straining cock a couple times then rolls the condom down from the tip to the base.

Katrina scoots up the bed giving Jax room to join her. He settles between her legs and pulls her face in for another passionate kiss. He then guides his cock to her core rubbing the head along her folds, gathering her wetness to help ease his passage. He lines himself up and slowly pushes his cock into her wet slit, going an inch at a time. He slowly rocks his hips back and forth, gaining an inch each time he pushes forward. When he finally bottoms out, he pauses for a moment, giving Kat time to adjust to his girth. When Jax stops, Katrina releases the breath she didn’t realize she was holding. She has never felt this full before. There is a slight burning from the stretch in her pussy, as well as an intense pleasure at the fullness.

“Relax your muscles, baby. It’ll help.” Jax whispers in her ear, concern in his tone.

After a few calming breaths, Kat feels ready for him to start moving again. She tilts her pelvis towards him, and then gives him a slight nod. Jax sets a slow pace at the beginning. The feeling of her tight, constricting walls threatening to send him over the edge. He feels like a damn teenager, ready to blow his load after only a few quick pumps. It takes every ounce of his control to prevent that from happening.

“Fuck, baby, you’re so tight.” Jax whispers almost reverently. He’s trying to stay in control, but he feels it slipping fast as he picks up the pace. Thrusting in and out, fast and faster. His balls crashing against her ass, as her walls clench around him. The tip of his cock brushing against her cervix each time he bottoms out.

Katrina feels the knot in her stomach growing. Every time Jax trusts into her pussy a tingle travels down her spine and straight into her core. She can feel her climax quickly approaching. She wraps her arms around his chest, her nails digging into his back. The moans coming from her mouth getting louder and louder each time his cock brushes against her sweet spot.

Jax can feel her tightening around him, and he knows he’s not going to be able to last much longer. “It’s ok, baby. Cum for me. Cum on my cock.” Jax reaches down to her clit, rubbing circles over it with his thumb.

Katrina is plunging over the edge as another intense orgasm rips through her body. Every nerve ending in her body is tingling as her juices coat Jax’s dick and balls. She clings to Jax’s body as she rides out the high. Jax follows her after a few more thrusts, a wave of euphoria washing over his body as his cock releases rope after rope of warm cum. Jax collapses next to her on the bed, then he draws her into his embrace. His twitching cock still nestled in her depths. They both lay there for a moment trying to catch their breath.

“That was amazing.” Jax says in awe, his breathing still labored. His fantasies of her never even coming close to the bliss he just experienced.

Katrina nods her agreement, exhaustion claiming her body. She nestles into Jax’s warmth as he squeezes her against him. Jax kisses the top of her head, as a feeling of contentment washes over him. He doesn’t want this night to end.

After a few minutes the twitching of Jax’s cock subsides and it begins to soften. He wraps his hand around the base of it to hold the condom in place as he withdraws it from Kat’s warm depths. Even as sleep starts to claim Kat, she can’t help the groan that escapes her mouth at the loss of the fullness in her pussy. Jax chuckles a little at the pout now gracing her face. He disposes of the condom in the trash, before heading into the bathroom to clean up. Once he is done cleaning himself, he returns to the bed with a warm washcloth to gently clean Kat. She flinches a little when he wipes around her sensitive bud. He has no doubt that she’s going to be a little sore tomorrow. When he finishes with the washcloth, he tosses it into a nearby laundry basket, before turning off the light. He climbs back into the bed, pulling the covers over them. Katrina seeks out his warmth again, resting her head on his chest as his arm wraps around her back drawing her close. Sleep quickly claims both of them.

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Tagging: @momc95  @jerseynurse82

[wickedwitchoftheemidwest]

Happy New Year, everybody! I know that Literally no one cares or will read this, but I have to rate and talk about what I’ve read this year and this is my page, so deal with it.

2020 may have been a dumpster fire of a year, but I did read so me pretty good books. I didn’t get to read as many books as I wanted (like always), but that’s life. If you couldn’t tell, I do have a preference for romance novels, and these selections are very... 🌈 and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Here we go:

- Lies we Tell Ourselves by Robin Talley (4/10)

- I think I could write a dissertation about why I have a problem with this book, but I think I can just stop with “a white lady writing an interracial queer romance in the 1960s where the lead white character is literally a racist” should about cover it. Absolutely disappointed.

- Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston (10/10)

- Oh my god does Casey McQuiston know how to write a book. Classic enemies to lovers, my favorite trope. This is my comfort novel that I use as a form of escapism, and probably the reason I didn’t read many new books, as I reread it about five times. It’s my comfort novel, and I come back to it every time I need to feel happy. I’ve made three of my friends read this book, and I recommend it to everyone

- These Witches Don’t Burn by Isabel Sterling (8/10)

- It’s sapphic, it has witches, and it’s adorable; what more could you possibly want? The ending left me wanting more. I was finally able to buy the sequel and I can’t wait to get into it.

- Boy Meets Boy by David Levithan (7/10)

- I think this book is sort of a classic when it comes to gay YA. This was a pretty good book, but it took me awhile to get into it.

- Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins (9/10)

- What did I say about enemies to lovers? HRH was regarded as sapphic Red, White, and Royal Blue, which I think is all you need to know to be interested. This book and short, sweet, and to the point. It’s an easy read (I read it twice, both times in one day). I think there could’ve been some more character building, but it’s so adorable I literally do not care. When I say I want more cute gay romcoms, they should use HRH as the blueprint.

- It’s Not Like It’s a Secret by Misa Sugiura (7/10)

- A cute, interracial sapphic love story where no white people are involved (the main character is Japanese American and her love interest is Mexican American). This coming of age story deals with acceptance, cultural differences, racism, and coming out. I think some of the points it was trying to delve into were too much on the nose at some times, but I really enjoyed this book.

- The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue and The Lady’s Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzi Lee (9/10)

- A fun romp set some time in the 1700s with a chaotic bi as the main lead? Count me in! I read this whole series this year, including the novella (the gentleman’s guide to getting lucky), and I loved every second of it. It’s an adventure series with some romance sprinkled in (a hella slow burn, but definitely worth it). The whole series has gay, bi, lesbian, and ace aro representation, and I was in love the entire time.

- You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson (8/10)

- The black sapphic book I needed. Liz Lighty decides she wants to leave her hometown and go to college, but after losing the financial aid she was counting on, she remembers the scholarship that prom queen gets every year, and decides to run. Sprinkle in a cute love story, and I’m hooked.

- The Song of Achilles by Madeline Miller (10/10)

- I... cannot put into words how this book made me feel. When I finished TSOA, I cried all night trying to recover. Beautifully written, and I still can’t get over Achilles and Patroclus. One of my favorite books this year.

- Sorry Not Sorry by Naya Rivera

- After Naya’s tragic passing in July, I struggled to find her autobiography anywhere. However, I was finally able to get my hands on it, and am so glad that I did. Naya Rivera was just as genuinely funny and carefree as her previous costars have said, and I wish the world could’ve gotten more of her.

Not pictured:

- Of Fire and Stars by Audrey Coulthurst (9/10)

- Sapphic love story about a princess who has been betrothed to a prince from a nearby country her whole life who instead falls in love with his sister. The main character, Denna, also possesses magical powers, which is forbidden in their land. One of my favorite things about this book is that it’s set in medieval times, but no one cares about queer relationships. The only problem with Denna falling in love with the princess is that she’s betrothed to her brother and nothing else. I recently bought the sequel to this book as well, and I’m excited to read it

- The After Series (books 1-2) by Anna Todd (-400/10)

- I was curious about this series because of how terrible the movies are, and needed to read them myself. I apologize to myself every day that I every even wasted my time on these two books. If I ever see Anna Todd, it’s on sight immediately. Not only is the writing terrible, but the romanticization of abusive relationships is absolutely unacceptable. I think I could take less issue with these books if the author wrote them as a “what to look for in men you should never date” rule book, but it isn’t. I could actually write an essay on why these books are more harmful than entertaining and how I genuinely think this series should have never been published. Also, Harry Styles did not deserve this.

I also discovered WEBTOON this year, and here are some of my favorites that I have read:

- Always Human by creator walkingnorth, a finished WLW story which was absolutely beautiful to look at and delightful to read.

- Lore Olympus by creator Rachel Smythe. I don’t think you can find too many people who haven’t heard of this story, but it’s a retelling of the Hades and Persephone mythology, and I adore it.

- Novae by creators KaixJu. A historical, queer and paranormal romance about a necromancer who falls for an astronomer.

- My Lady Artemisia by creator rimarza. This WEBTOON is a little bit newer with fewer episodes, about a knight tasked with guarding the princess, which starts to prove difficult once she starts to gain feelings for the princess, and an impending threat might cause her to past to come to the surface.

Of course, I’ve also spent a lot of my time on A03. I know I’ve read more, but here are the ones I bookmarked and have come back to this year:

- kiss me (if you mean it) by nerdybutpunk

- Carry On fanfic, short but sweet, absolute fluff

- Camp Llwynywermod by bleedingballroomfloor

- Red, White, and Royal Blue AUwhere Henry and Alex are camp counselors. It’s so good and I find myself waiting every wed and sat for the updates.

I read more this year than I have in a long time, and I enjoyed it most of the time. My goal for 2021 is to read at least two books a month and to expand my horizons to something that isn’t YA and isn’t romance. Also to find Anna Todd and tell her off. Hopefully we can accomplish some of that.

[sic-semper-hominibus]

a problem i havent seen anyone else mention is that for a lot of americans, espicially but not exclusively white and/or middle class or above americans, the entire concept of a staple food has been lost

eating the same thing more than 2-3 times a week is seen as something that foreigners and people who cant afford variety do. mexicans eat tortillas with stuff in them. italians eat pasta. asians eat rice. poor people eat cold cuts. if you ask an american what "american food" is, the answer you get is likely to be something to the effect of "idk, burgers i guess?"

there are absolutely exceptions to this, mostly from communities of color and poor communities. southern food is a great example. but there again you run into those cuisines being othered. even in areas where there are regional or cultural dishes that the white middle+ class people claim as their own, those dishes tend to be for special occasions rather than for every day

i think this is part of why so many people don't like breakfast: "breakfast food" has been narrowly defined, which means you can only have so many different meals before they start becoming staples. we all saw awhile back the trend of rich people starting to gentrify breakfast cereal. the reason they were able to do that in the first place was because they mostly don't eat it, which in turn is because eating the same thing too often is for poor people

i don't know what to do with this realization, but i'm pretty sure it's a significant factor in the pushback the left gets from these groups. if everyone buys local, that restricts, to whatever degree, the variety available to them and thus brings them closer to the people they think they're better than for eating a more diverse diet

[waitingforminjae]

what is up with day6 atm? I'm seeing people reacting to the drama, but so far haven't found the drama

......................a lot but i'll do my best lol but if you scroll through my "tw//negativity" tag you'll find some of the things ppl r talking abt

So basically Jae has been slowly distancing himself from d6 for awhile now and he kinda fell in w the Dive Studios crowd and now he's like doing twitch streaming and seems to be trying to get in w that crowd + 88rising (an asian american label) crowd.

He's been very open about his struggles as a kpop idol, but in doing so he has put his foot in his mouth several times and said many things that are really insulting to the rest of d6 (like calling them "inauthentic") like he's obviously trying to distance himself from kpop idoldom, but he's doing it in a way that plays into very problematic Western views of kpop that are rooted in racism and it's just a bad look all around. He's also praised JYP several times while shading his bandmates and that just leaves a bad taste in many people's mouths. He officially left JYPE at the end of last year, even though he said that he hasn't officially left d6, they're just on their military hiatus rn. I think he's said some more things abt d6 since then but honestly I don't know everything he's said so I'm not sure.

The current problem is that he was on twitch and was like "Now that I'm not an idol anymore I can say this. Why Jamie tryna be a thot?" and then laughed about it. Jamie is a fellow former JYPE artist that Jae has known since she was 15ish (and he was 20ish) and has been one of his good friends and supporters. He worked with her at After School Club and at Dive Studios. Jamie has apparently always struggled with ppl making bad comments about her + sexualizing her like this. People have been rlly tearing Jae apart over this on twt and Jamie herself saw it and tweeted abt how hurt she was (she's since deleted these tweets). Jae apologized and claimed that he thought "thot" meant the same thing as "baddie" (it does not).

Theoretically, it IS possible that he really thought that those were interchangeable terms. Even though Jae is a native English speaker, that does not mean he actually knows what those terms mean. Thot and baddie are AAVE terms, which is a language/dialect (I'm not sure what it's classified as) that most people outside of the African American community aren't very familiar with. Meaning isn't always easy to really understand with just context. Like, I'm a native English speaker and I've heard ppl say baddie but I'm still not rlly sure what it means exactly. More importantly, all of this ties into a much larger problem of non-black people butchering AAVE and using it incorrectly and out of context. But that's another conversation that I should not be spear-heading as a white person. It was still very wrong and awful of Jae to call Jamie a thot, bc most ppl know by now that when it comes to general slang, it's associated with words like hoe, and has a similar meaning. Jae knew damn well what he was saying when he called her that. Just bc he might have POSSIBLY thought the words were interchangeable does NOT excuse him calling her a thot as an insult.

It was just a bad thing all around like his tone when he called her a thot was very "shit talking behind someone's back" but with like extra layers of misogyny (him, as a guy, calling a woman a thot behind her back) and fame (he said that publicly in front of thousands of ppl in a way that made jamie look bad) like he rlly just kinda exposed himself to be (at the very least a bit of) an asshole.

TL:DR he called a female friend a thot on a live stream and seems to be trying his hardest to fit in w a new crowd of ppl who will never respect him or like him like he wants, and in the process he's shitting all over the ppl who have been his friend/by his side since the beginning and it's just a bad look and shitty behavior.

[thegothicviking]

As re-entering a link from herzeleid.com never seem to work (??) I usually copy and paste the actual text. Remember a transcription of Flake chatting with fans that I posted from early 00'? Before this Paul had a similar if not the same chat. I have already too long post in tumblr now so it will be broken down in 2 parts!

PAUL CHAT WITH FANS part I

Transcribed by Jeremy Williams

Taken from Rammstein.com chat

October 26 , 2005

_____________________________

Mod: Hello to you all. Thanks for coming out. Paul will be here in just a few minutes. And then we're going to get started.

Paul: Let's go!

niti: +++

Mod: Sorry, there was a technical problem. But the chat will start soon.

niti: +++

**atomrt: how do you chose the sounds for each song because all of them fit perfectly?**

Paul: Thanks a lot! Sometimes that works out well, sometimes not so well.+++

**maria: Your album covers have always sparked a lot of controversy. Which cover is your favourite and why?**

Paul: The cover for Sehnsucht was the most dramatic in my opinion.+++

**Benzramm: What was coming out of the fake penis during the live act "Bück Dich"? **

Paul: That was water with Ouzo to make it milky.+++

**Beurgueur: Good evening, Have you ever thought to write a metal-opera based on rammstein’ story?**

Paul: Hopefully not. We have enough theater elements already.+++

**MafiUndomiel: I was at River Plate Stadium in Argentina, 1999, when you toured with KISS. You did almost surpassed KISS music and show with your impact, and many people was really impressed. I still remember the silence during Du Hast, as Till was singing the refrain. What do you remember of Argentina, of this show? **

Paul: Yeah, that was unbelievable. It's a shame that we can't play in South America this time. Flake was seriously ill.+++

**MafiUndomiel: Did Till write Te Quiero Puta on his own, or had some kind of external help? I know it's not very complicated, nor elaborated in the lyrics, but it's not easy to put two or three sentences together if you don't know the language... believe me! I'm still trying with German!**

Paul: He had some help from his girlfriend and from Flake's friend from Chile.

Paul: But Till can already speak Spanish so well that he only had a few questions about grammar.+++

**monkeyman: What type of gear do you use when recording in the studio?**

Paul: This would take two hours to list. Too much for now. Sorry.+++

**Hugo: Why did you choose almost the same cover for the japanese version of Reise, Reise and Rosenrot? **

Paul: Because we thought it would be a shame to use the cover only for the Japanese edition.+++

**MafiUndomiel: There are many bands that edited DVD and VHS with the footage they got when they recorded their albums, the creative process and all that stuff. Since many R+ fans are really interested in knowing "Rammstein's kitchen", have you considered releasing something of that kind?

** Paul: I filmed some of the footage during Reise, Reise and it will come out sometime on a DVD as bonus material.+++

**blastedop: What happened to Live DVD? It was delayed? **

Paul: Yeah a little bit, but we're going to try to do it this year.+++

**MafiUndomiel: I wanted to know how did you put your setlists together when you go to a country you've never been... you mix old and new material, or you prefer to show your new material above all, and play only the "classics"? **

Paul: We play a mix of both old and new.+++

**Jenna: As you are possibly the most successful band from Germany (singing in German) that you are expected to represent German music and culture to the rest of the world? **

Paul: It was never our plan to play all over the world.

Paul: Sometimes we wonder ourselves how this all happened.+++

**beurgueur: what american film director would you enjoy to make a ckip with **

Paul: Tarantino.+++

**Benzramm: Did you ever get hurt when you were working with fire on the live acts ? **

Paul: Sometimes.+++

**aeon: One Rammstein member said you had a movie project with Werner Herzog. Do you think this project will be carried out and would you like to act in something different from Rammstein videos ? **

Paul: It's been awhile with WErner herzog. Maybe it will work out, there's still a plan to do it.

Paul: +++

**Rammsteinizied: Dear Paul: What is your favorite live performance effect? (like the flamethrowes in Feuer frei or the bow in DRSG) **

Paul: The nose flame throwers that we use in Feuer frei!+++

**MafiUndomiel: Which was your first guitar? Do you still own it? **

Paul: It was a Telecaster copy. A cheap one. I gave away my first guitars at an auction for a good cause. No idea whether it worked out.+++

**Straya: This has been in my mind for a while now, and I must ask. From the sample songs on the official site, it seems Rosenrot might be your 'hardest/loudest' albums, the songs seem 'hard', in a way, like Ich Will, Feuer Frei, and Mein Teil; what do you think of this? **

Paul: I don't think so. There are fewer sequences so the guitars come out better.+++

**Synthema: Do you still feel that being in Rammstein is almost like being in a six-way marriage? Does the band still function as a tight a unit or have things drifted apart? **

Paul: Yeah.

Paul: We're still together. Knock on wood. We've been together for 10 years and now that we've gone through our crisis, we feel better than ever.

Paul: We've got money, success, beautiful women and all the rest.

Paul: Things can only get worse.+++

**Jenna: Do you think your videos help to stop you taking yourselves too seriously? **

Paul: We've always taken ourselves less seriously than many people think. our best friends know this.

Paul: At the moment, we don't feel like making any humouress videos.+++

**whiskeypapa: When writing a song, how many/what kinds of revisions does the song go through before finally making it onto an album? **

Paul: Some songs make it out directly as we conceived them. With other songs, we make 20 versions and they still don't make it.

Paul: +++

**Noora: HI! I'm a fashion and design student from Finland and I was wondering about your stage costumes...How much do you participate in the designing and making of the outfits that you use on your tours? I understand that every album has its own look. Do you first design the outline of the look as a band and hen consult a designer and maker? Thanx and welcome back to Finland! :)**

Paul: Most ideas come directly from the band. For the last outfit, we had the idea to combine Bavarian folkloric outfits with industrial.

Paul: Because Bavarian folklore is not very cool and we like to mix things that you're not supposed to.+++

**Beurgueur: Have you ever thought in what your life would be now if rammstein never was created?**

Paul: No. We don't think that way.+++

**minx: It’s been stated in several interviews that the band has two pyromaniacs in the group, but is there anyone who is not so fond of fire?**

Paul: Everybody in the band has a different specialty.

Paul: Each of us is really equally important.

Paul: It doesn'T matter what each does, it could be better when two are on vacation during preparation and actually help us to make a good video this way.+++

**Badeend: Who thinks of the titles of the cd's? Is it some kind of democraty or is it 1 man that decides?**

Paul: We make the decision as a group but it's not really a democracy. More like a board of directors.+++

**Biz: How have older industrial bands (such as Laibach or KMFDM) influenced you?**

Paul: A lot.

Paul: Also Ministry.+++

**minx: What is the oily black/brown liquid that you are all covered with on stage? Is it a fire retardant liquid?**

Paul: No.

Paul: That's a secret.+++

**minx: Why did you wear a paper bag over your head at the concert in Tallin, last November?**

Paul: I wanted to display an Iraqi prisoner.

Paul: There's a photo of a guy behind barbed wire and he's holding his son but he has a bag on his head.

Paul: That photo really had an impact on me.+++

**aeon: Why do you only do signing sessions in London and Paris? Why not in other big cities f Europe or even Germany? Or is anything planned? **

Paul: Actually we've only planned for Paris. London snuck in at the last minute.

Paul: I don't know any more signing sessions details right now.+++

**Badeend: Did you take gitar lessons or did you teach it on your self?**

Paul: Self-taught.

Paul: +++

**minx: I am going to be at the signing in London on Sunday. Do you enjoy doing those types of promotional events or are they just ‘hard work’?**

Paul: Sometimes it's a lot of fun but other times it can be exhausting.+++

**Synthema: It could be said that the "Rosenrot" photos are quite a departure image-wise from what one would expect from the band. Was this something that was decided by the band for a particular reason, or is this the sort of decision that is out of your hands? Does your management or record label have much control over how you present yourselves, or is that left to you?**

Paul: We don't like to repeat ourselves.

Paul: Usually the band always has the last word on these amtters. But weR'e not always interested in all of the details.+++

**Badeend: What is the new instrument you used in the song Te Quiero Puta?**

Paul: Trumpet.+++

**beurgueur: do you think you'll be on stage again when you'll be 60? (like rolling stones for example...)**

Paul: Hopefully somebody will die first. Then we won'T have to worry about that.+++

**minx: Do you do you all do own make-up for the shows?**

Paul: Yes.+++

**OK-River: Will Rammstein play again "Bück Dich" in a concert, or it is something of the past?**

Paul: I wouldn't say no.+++

**blastedop: Rosenrot is so diferent from Reise Reise. How is this possible if these songs are from Reise Reise recording season?**

Paul: I don'T think so. Listen to the whole album.+++

**Benzramm: Are you a sort of scared when flake is going with his boat in the public ? **

Paul: No.

Paul: But it was always Oli last year.+++

**whiskeypapa: Which of your songs invokes the most emotion from you?**

Paul: Seemann.+++

**MsBehaviour: Greetings from Finland and good evening! My question is, you have been playing together as a band for quite a many years now, and there is a big difference in the sound of Herzeleid and the sound of Reise Reise. Does this "evolution" come naturally to you, or do you make conscious decisions as to where to direct your sound? How do you feel about the change?**

Paul: There are some of us who want to stay the same.

Paul: There's some of us who want to always change.

Paul: These parties fight each other and the result is a new album or a black eye.+++

**MafiUndomiel: Have you heard a cover version of Keine Lust made by a Russian guy called Miguel? What did you think about it?**

Paul: Not yet, unfortunately.+++

**Badeend: Do you have a private jet or do you have to rent a plane?**

Paul: When the record company pays, we fly Business. When we have to pay, it'S Tourist class. Sometimes, when the connections are difficult, we rent a litlle jet.+++

**luna: First "Snow White" now "Rose Red". Do the members of Rammstein have a fondness for fairytales?**

Paul: Who doesn't?+++

**Synthema: Do you still enjoy performing live after all these years, or is it more of a chore now?**

Paul: If we didn't like it, we wouldn't have been around so long.+++

**Benzramm: Is there a double meaning in the songtexts of your songs ? **

Paul: Yeah. But the subtleties and double-meanings get lsot in translation.+++

**Badeend: What is your favorite song or cd?**

Paul: Kill Bill 1.+++

**DRS2G: Is "Hilf Mir" inspired by a Heinrich Hoffmann's tale?!**

Paul: Yes.+++

**Synthema: Have you ever felt that the success of Rammstein has been a negative thing for you in your personal life? That it makes it difficult to decide who to trust and who not to?**

Paul: It is difficult to stay normal despite money and success.

Paul: We fight this on a daily battle but we usually win.+++

**Beurgueur: from a viewer: what guitar do you use for your c tuning, and what guitar does richard use for this?**

Paul: I play a Gibson Les Paul and Richard plays ESP guitars.+++

**Benzramm: Did you really go to the mountains for the videoclip "Ohne Dich"?**

Paul: Yes. The was the funnest video of them all.

Paul: The thin air up there was difficult.

Paul: I'm impressed by mountain climbers who go even higher.

Paul: It was difficult for our crew and us.+++

**MafiUndomiel: how did you and richard decided who was going to be lead and who rythm guitars?**

Paul: Good question.

Paul: We're both stubborn.

Paul: It's a fight every time but we're still doing alright up to now.

Paul: Actually, the winner is supposed to be the one who plays the best solo.+++

**Badeend: Do you still have to take guitar lessons to play better?**

Paul: No.+++

**blastedop: Do you visit fansites? How about a Top 10 Fansites in the official page?**

Paul: From time to time.+++

**Badeend: Why did you pick just that girl for the Texas vocal in Stirb nich vor Mir?**

Paul: It was our producer's idea.+++

**MafiUndomiel: Paul, is there any country that you´d like to visit or going on tour, and you haven´t yet? Why?**

Paul: Yes, we would love to go to Turkey, Mongolia, Iraq. We know we've got lots of fans there.+++

**Jenna: Which current musicians (Not youselves, I'm sorry) do you think are creating the best work at the moment?**

Paul: System of a Down, Muse, Snoop Doggy Dog, Eminem, Slip Knot, etc.+++

**Rammsteinizied: Dear Paul, How do you feel about us fans?**

Paul: It's an honour.+++

**Minx: Do you have a favourite guitar part in a particular song you really enjoy?**

Paul: +++

**DRS2G: Will "Rosenrot" be the 2nd single from your new album?!**

Paul: Yes.+++

**Straya: I'm wondering how this question has not come up yet... but, plenty of people are asking if you guys will tour in America and Canada. I don't mean for this to be one of those annoying questions. But, has anything be talked about?**

Paul: I'm certain that we'll tour North and South America with our next album.+++

**rammsteinuk: I read in a recent interview that there were some arguments within the band during the production of 'Mutter'. Have there been any more strong disagreements like this since?

**Paul: Thankfully not. There's always stress when six stubborn people meet, but nothing serious.+++

**minx: Most influential musician on yourself?**

Paul: Laibach, Ministry, Metallica, Nirvana.+++

**blastedop: Did you like Benzin video? Schneider didnt.**

Paul: I don't think it's that bad.

Paul: We've had three really good videos in a row, so it'S hard to keep the standards so high.

Paul: I'm glad that there's some variation, next time we'll improve.+++

**whiskeypapa: First, Reise Reise saw a "country moment" with Los, and now Rosenrot has Te Quiero Puta. If you could make a fusion of Rammstein and any other world music (for fun), what would it be?**

Paul: Yes, I interested in all combinations of things that don'T fit together.+++

**Biz: Are there any downsides to being famous?**

Paul: We're famous but we can still buy groceries in Berlin without bodyguards.

Paul: We've got nothing to complain about.

Paul: Our band is famous around the world but we still have normal lives, thank God.+++

**minty: Paul are you looking forward to the world cup next year? who will win?**

Paul: Yes. It doesn'T look good for Germany right now.

Paul: I hope that a miracle happens.+++

**aeon: Do you hope your music will still be appreciated in many years from now or it doesn't matter to you ?**

Paul: I think that we're relatively timeless.

Paul: But that'S probably what every band thinks and two years later nobody cares ...+++

**DRS2G: Was it good to be directed by Jonas Akerlund?!**

Paul: Yes, he's just a cool guy.+++

[mascwhump]

Chapter 7 - Classified

TW: blood, mild manhandling

Tag list: @whatwasmyprevioususername @milk-carton-whump @whumpasaurus101 @whatwhumpcomments @mnmlover2002 @ashintheairlikesnow

-

There was a heavy silence in the room while Mallory scanned the pages of Crow's journal. Crow was understandably agitated. He was pulling against the chains with a scowl on his face.

"'March 22nd,'" Mallory began reading, "'The new kid comes today. Don't know much about him, only that he's a great shot. He'll be the only yank on the team. Expecting a lot of fun to come from that. Adrian already has a few ideas for how we can fuck with him.'"

Charlie cracked a small smile. They did indeed give him a lot of shit for being American. Adrian had enough pranks to last him months. Mallory flipped the page and continued reading.

"'March 23rd. Kid seems nice. He's pretty quiet. I wonder how long that'll last. He did the dishes without being asked last night. If he keeps that up, I might have to work harder to keep his arse around.’"

"It didn't last long," Adrian said, laughing.

Crow shot him a look that made him silent. Charlie had to admit, it was sort of nice to know what Crow was thinking for once. He had a feeling Adrian and Ethan felt the same way, but the clear invasion of privacy made it bittersweet. Mallory flipped to the next page but didn't read anything from it, instead he went back to skimming. He flipped about 15 pages before reading again.

"’April 9th. At the range. I'm sitting here wondering where the kid learned to shoot like that. He handles that sniper like Van Gogh handled a paintbrush. It's an art.’ Sounds like you’ve got an admirer, Charlie.”

Crow looked at the floor, avoiding eye contact. He had a blank expression now, but he was chewing on his lip. Charlie felt guilty. The room was quiet for a little while as Mallory skimmed through more pages.

“You’re a pretty good artist, I’ll give you that,” Mallory said, turning the journal toward the group. It was a drawing of some mountains from a previous mission. The team had remained in that spot for almost twelve hours, waiting for nightfall. It was incredibly detailed and took up both pages of the book. Mallory went back to flipping pages, and finally stopped on one.

“Oh, this. This is what I was looking for,” he said, a smirk growing on his lips.

Crow’s head shot toward him, the color draining from his face. He must’ve known what page he found. He opened his mouth to protest, but Mallory started to read.

“‘August 22nd. Got a few days off. Celebrated by drinking. I’m drunk. Too many drinks. Charlie fell in the fire pit. Will now be known as Flame. I’m too drunk. Had to hide in my room. Too afraid of saying something I shouldn’t. Charlie came to the door and asked me to come back. Told him I would. I’m afraid. Can’t fuck this up.’”

“Stop,” Crow muttered.

Charlie’s heart was in his throat. He was nervous; he couldn’t imagine what Crow was feeling. Adrian was looking over at him, and Ethan was acting like he wasn’t paying attention. Mallory continued to the next page.

“‘I read that writing down what you’re feeling and then burning the paper is a good way to solve bad feelings. It’s not a bad feeling but maybe it’ll make me stop thinking about it. I’m going to try. I knew on the first day that he would be special. Just didn’t realize how much so. Didn’t know someone could make me feel this way. I hate it. Hate that I’ll never be able to say it out loud. Sometimes I watch him, and I just want to tell him everything. I hope he knows that he’s perfect.’”

Crow pulled his knees up and hid his face in them. Mallory snapped the journal closed. He didn’t say anything, but looked around the room with a delighted look. Charlie’s heart was racing. Between what he just heard and his low blood sugar, he thought he would pass out.

“I’ll let you all sit with that for awhile. Charlie, you still need to get cleaned up,” Mallory said

He handed the journal to one of the soldiers and told them to wipe Ethan’s face with a rag.

“If you fight me again, Charlie, I won’t just stab you, but I’ll stab everyone else in this room,” Mallory threatened.

Charlie nodded. The handcuffs came off and were put back on after he stood. He took a glance at his team before leaving the room. Mallory lead him down the hall, one hand on his arm and the other on his shoulder.

“So, tell me. How do you feel about that?” He asked.

“About what?” Charlie asked.

“About what your Captain wrote about you, idiot.”

“Don’t know yet,” Charlie mumbled.

He was too focused on the intense nausea to think about it.

“Well, I think it’s kind of sweet, you know? Although, it’s a little problematic. Superior-subordinate relationships tend to be frowned upon. Not to mention the fact that you’re both men. The military really doesn’t like that, from what I hear.”

Charlie stopped walking.

“I don’t need your input,” he spat, “This doesn’t involve you whatsoever.”

“Oh, but it does. After all, if it wasn’t for me, you most likely would never have even found out,” Mallory replied, nudging Charlie to keep moving.

Charlie grit his teeth and kept walking. He didn’t have the energy to fight it. They continued until they reached a door near the end of the hall. It was the room Charlie had been kept in the last few weeks. He swallowed, eyeing his blanket in the corner of the room. Mallory pushed him toward the bathroom and had him stand in the corner while he ran the bath. Once it was filled, he removed the handcuffs from Charlie’s wrists.

“I’ll be outside,” Mallory said.

He stepped out and shut the curtain. Charlie undressed and slipped in the bath. He grabbed a washcloth from the side and scrubbed the dried blood from his abdomen and face.

“I bet you’re hungry,” Mallory said from outside.

Charlie didn’t reply. He scrubbed his skin until it was red, then rinsed off before stepping out of the bath.

“Uh, there’s no towel,” he said.

“That’s unfortunate. I’m not leaving you to go get one,” Mallory said.

“Then what the fuck am I supposed to do?”

“Just put on your clothes.”

Charlie sighed and slipped on his underwear and sweatpants over his wet skin.

“Are you dressed?”

“Yup.”

Mallory slid open the curtain.

“Ha, your hair is kind of cute when it’s wet,” he said.

“Don’t fucking call me cute,” Charlie hissed.

They left the bathroom. Mallory walked over to the wall where the chains were and motioned for Charlie to come to him.

“You’re leaving me in here?”

“For now.”

Charlie didn’t protest. He wanted to go back to his team, but he knew that he wouldn’t win this battle. He reluctantly let Mallory attach the chains that kept him to the wall.

“Remember, you still owe me a favor,” Mallory said as he left the room.

Charlie sat on the floor next to his mat. He didn’t want to get it or his blanket wet. He closed his eyes. All he could think about now was food. His hands were cold and shaking as he fought the nausea. Luckily, it wasn’t long before the door opened again. This time, a solider entered with a plate of food. His eyes lit up. She placed it on the floor in front of him and stood against the back wall while he ate.

It was a boring meal of cooked carrots, a bread roll, and a tiny slice of ham. He didn’t care. He ate fast, almost too fast. The food was gone in a minute and the solider took the plate before leaving. Slowly feeling his energy and strength returning, he let out a content sigh. His mind was clearing up.

He wasn’t sure if that was blessing or a curse, because now, all he could think about was Crow.

He knew he wasn’t bothered. He was just confused. It was a surprise to him; he never would have guessed in a million years that Crow felt that way about him. Then again, Crow was a master at hiding emotion. He could be having the best day of his life and still keep a straight face. He was the definition of running away from your problems.

Charlie was worried about what was going to change. He knew it would be awkward. Not just between them, but the entire team. It had to be discussed. There couldn’t be an elephant in the room. But that would have to wait - this wasn’t the time or place to do it.

He started to get a headache. He crawled under his blanket on his mat and closed his eyes.

-

When Charlie woke up, his mouth was dry and his headache hadn’t gotten any better. He groaned as he sat up, vision blurry. He froze when he noticed Mallory sitting in the corner of the room. He was scrolling on his phone, and glanced up at Charlie before going back to what he was doing.

“What are you doing?” Charlie questioned as he began rubbing his temples.

Mallory ignored him. He stood up, but stayed in the opposite side of the room. Charlie watched him, confused, as he started typing. Finally, after a few minutes, he walked over to Charlie.

“I have a question for you. You have one chance to tell me the truth,” Mallory said.

He turned his phone to face Charlie. On the screen was a video of Deke on CCTV. He was in a stolen uniform of one of the soldiers. He entered a room, then left with a file in hand.

“Who is this?”

[refinedbuffoonery]

Outside Force

Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts 

Set immediately post-Codex.

*****

His friends are too loud. Bozer’s jokes aren’t funny. Desi and Russ’ laughter grates his ears. The fire is too bright, too hot. 

Riley catches his eye from across the circle. Slight tilt to her head, raised eyebrows. Like she can see through the smile he forced his lips to contort into, the smile that couldn’t meet his eyes, no matter how hard he tried. 

They saved the world from a supervolcano and nuclear winter. 

The team is alive, safe, whole. 

Mac doesn’t feel whole. He saved the world, losing a piece of himself every step of the way. 

The world is so fucking heavy. 

He looks away from Riley. Mac could convince everyone else he is okay, that he is just tired. Who wouldn’t be, after that? Even Bozer mostly believes him. But Riley...she sees right through him. Like she understands. 

Maybe she is just as lost as I am. 

Mac gets up and walks inside without a word. He ends up in his bedroom. He wants to go to sleep until they stop hovering over him and asking him if he is okay. I’m fine. I’m just tired. For a group of highly trained spies, they aren’t very good lie detectors. Either that or they give up too easily. 

Based on how quickly everyone but Riley deemed him a traitor, Mac thinks it’s probably the latter. 

His bed feels like it belongs to another man, one who should’ve died in a fiery explosion. An American flag draped over an empty casket. A quiet funeral. A tombstone marking an empty grave, just like his parents. 

Sleep doesn’t come. Sleep won’t come. Sleep never comes. 

Footsteps echo down the hall. Mac turns his back to the door, deepening his breathing to feign sleep. His last defense against the onslaught of check-ins. Sleep is sacred; the one thing none of them will interrupt. 

The door creaks open. He keeps forgetting to fix it. 

“I know you’re not asleep,” Riley says. 

Mac freezes, just in case she’s bluffing. The door closes. 

“I know you’re not asleep, Mac,” she repeats, coming closer. “You and I both know you don’t sleep anymore.” 

Caught. So much for sleep being sacred. 

The bed dips beside him, and Mac rolls over, cracking his eyes open. The inquisitive look Riley wore outside is gone, replaced by soft determination. Riley glances down at his hand, fisted in the comforter, and covers it with her own. He unclenches it. 

“Sorry I left like that,” Mac started. “I’m just--” 

“Tired,” Riley finished. “I know.” 

He doesn’t deserve to be here right now, with her looking at him like that. Like she cares. He is living on borrowed time--he’s been living on borrowed time, ever since he dropped out of MIT and joined the Army. Now it feels like he’s reached his expiration date, and every death on his behalf buys him bonus time he doesn’t want. He sure as hell doesn’t deserve it. 

Not everyone gets a soft ending. Not him. After everything, not him. 

Riley crosses her legs beneath her, like she’s planning on staying awhile. “Tell me about it.” 

This is new. Gone are her offers to be there when he’s ready to talk. Now she’s making him talk, even though it’s the last thing he wants to do. Mac doesn’t have the energy to be mad at her for it. 

How could he tell her that he feels like he hit rock bottom, yet he’s still falling? Down, down, down, and there’s no end in sight. Maybe there isn’t an end. Maybe Hell doesn’t have a bottom; it’s just falling through layer after layer after layer for the rest of eternity. 

Maybe he should’ve let the volcano erupt. Maybe it would’ve blown his soul into so many pieces there wouldn’t be any of him left for a hellish afterlife. That’s what it would’ve done to his body, after all. His body and the rest of the Western Hemisphere. 

“They’re all dead,” he finally whispers. The loss of his family is the easier horror. The expected one. It’s easier to lament the dead than explain why he belongs with them. 

Riley waits for him to explain. He does, even though she knows most of it already. He tells her about the last moment with his aunt, after she chose to set off the explosion so he could live. He tells her about his dad, a dead man sacrificing himself to buy his son time. He tells her about his grandpa, who raised him. He tells her about his mom being taken away too soon, put down for trying to build a healthier world for her son to inherit. Not the guilt. Not the part where he wishes he was dead instead of them. 

Riley seems to be at a loss for words. She is silent for several minutes before asking, “So what are you going to do with the time they gave you?” 

“I don’t deserve that time.” 

There it is. The other thing. 

Her soft determination erupts into something else. Something...angry. She leans over him, planting her hands on either side of his shoulders. “Now listen to me, Angus MacGyver. You deserve every single second you get on this fucked up planet, and don’t you ever try to convince yourself otherwise. You hear me? I’m not Jack, but I swear to god I will keep you alive by sheer force of will if that’s what it takes until you believe you deserve it.” 

The edges of his vision blur as tears start to form. This was a mistake. He shouldn’t have burdened her with this. 

She’d be trying a long time. There is nothing he could do to deserve living at the expense of another person’s life. They deserved to live out their own lives. 

He is living the life of another man’s son, a son who was sacrificed by Mac’s own father to keep him alive. 

The lives of his mentor and his friend, who died in explosions meant for him. 

The lives of the Codex operatives sentenced to die by their own leader, merely the price for the chance to eliminate Angus MacGyver. 

“Mac,” Riley says, heartbreakingly softly. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

He takes a deep breath. He couldn’t avoid it anymore, at least not with her. Hiding the truth would hurt her just as much as telling it. 

“I didn’t want to be another problem.” 

“Another problem? You think I’d rather watch you internalize your guilt so much that you blindly volunteer yourself for every self-sacrificial thing possible? Watch you put yourself in harm's way because you think everyone else’s safety is more important than yours?” Her voice broke. “Getting shot at by a dozen highly-trained snipers is a problem. But you dying? That will break me.” 

Tears flow freely down both their faces. Mac curves a hand around her neck, thumb brushing her cheek. Riley rests her forehead against his. “I’m sorry,” Mac croaks. 

Riley cradles his face in her hands. “There’s nothing for you to be sorry for.” 

“Feels like there is,” he admits as another round of hot tears splashes onto his cheeks. He hates himself for making her cry like this. He hates himself for giving her this burden, this weight to carry. He hates himself for hoping sharing would make it easier to bear. 

Sharing definitely makes it worse. 

Mac caves in on himself, plummeting deeper and deeper into the guilt. 

“Hey, hey hey.” Riley squeezes his cheeks. “Come back to me.” 

The numbness sets in again. One limb at a time, he loses feeling in his body. Another piece of him falls away. It’s cold. Mac thinks he’s cold, but Riley’s tears burn like boiling water dripping on his face. Just let go already, a little voice calls. There’s no reason for you to still be here. 

“Mac,” Riley pleads. “I need you to breathe, okay? You’re safe. I’ve got you.” 

She inhales deeply, loudly. Mac tries to match it but can’t seem to suck in enough air. His lungs are collapsing from the pressure of falling deeper and deeper into the Earth. Soon he won’t be able to breathe at all. His lungs won’t inflate and he’ll finally get his wish. 

His fingers find her pulse, pressing below her jaw. It’s fast enough he can match his shallow breaths to it. In out. In out. In out. Her pulse slows as he starts to breathe again. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. 

“I’m back,” he chokes out. 

His hands settle on her waist as he mentally prepares himself to push her away. Riley doesn’t need this, Mac thinks. She has her own trauma to work through. 

He could do it--drive her away with a single sentence. Call her out for asking him to share his problems when she is still determined to ignore her own. He could call her a coward and a hypocrite, and she’d pack up her belongings and move out of his house so quickly it’d be like she was never there in the first place. 

“Mac,” she whispers. 

He can’t do it. Call him selfish, but he can’t bring himself to cut her free. 

He needs her. 

Like she could read his mind, Riley murmurs, “Let me help you.” Her body shakes. 

“You can’t bring them back, Riles.” Mac guides her down to lay on top of him. Her small body feels gigantic above him, heavy with the weight he’d just saddled her with. 

“Let me help you anyway.” 

“Okay,” he relents. Mac rolls them onto their sides and squeezes her tightly until she stops shaking. 

She can’t fix him, not really. She can’t save him from an eternity of falling, but maybe, just maybe, she could help him control his descent. 

An object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. Newton’s first law. 

Riley is an outside force, alright. I swear to god I will keep you alive by sheer force of will if that’s what it takes, she said earlier. I’ve got you. 

“Riles?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Thank you. For everything.” I love you. 

Mac sees it, in her eyes. The “I love you too” glimmering back at him. All she says is, “You would do the same for me.” 

He tucks her head under his chin and tangles his legs with hers, considering the words they didn’t say. After a few minutes, he asks, “Can you stay? I don’t want to be alone.” For the first time that night, he doesn’t. He wants company. Her company. 

His best friend, the outside force who keeps him from endlessly falling into the abyss. 

“Sure.” 

Mac doesn’t want to let her go, but eventually he does, so she can send their friends home and change into pajamas. Riley returns pajama-clad and makeup-free, worry lines still creasing her face. 

She slides under the covers and pulls Mac to her so he can rest his head on her chest, her nails lightly scratching his scalp as she toys with his hair. “Can you promise me something?” she asks. Mac looks up at her. “Tell me next time, before it gets bad like that again.” 

“I will,” he swears, and he means it. 

They don’t say anything else for the rest of the night. Mac doesn’t know how long he dozes in Riley’s arms while she stays awake, keeping watch. At one point, he brushes a hand down her face to gently close her eyes, earning a soft chuckle. When Riley’s breathing finally deepens, Mac slips into unconsciousness once more. 

He wakes in Riley’s arms the next morning, and for the first time in a long time, he feels light.