#this is a joke i’m unemployed hahaha

[lcuyscs]

born to get nutted in forced to work

[justthehiddleswrites]

Forever Hold Your Peace | Tom Hiddleston x Cumberbatch!Reader  | Chapter 1 | The Break Up

Pairing: Tom Hiddleston x Cumberbatch!Reader

Summary:  Tom Hiddleston dated Benedict's little sister (reader) back at Cambridge, after a bad breakup Tom and Benedict are now friends. The reader is now engaged to an American who Benedict does not trust. Ben turns to his good friend Tom to help break up the wedding and win back the girl he never truly got over.

Warnings: Fluff, angst, slapping, cursing.

-

Benedict glanced at the name of his cell phone screen and rolled his eyes.

“Hello?” he said in a flat tone.

“Hello, Benny boo.” the giddy voice bubbled up on the other side of the line.

“What can you want at…” He glanced at a nearby clock. “five in the morning? Shouldn’t you be off somewhere sleeping off a hangover?”

“Can’t a sister want to talk to the older, wiser brother?” you commented on the other side.

“No.” Benedict deadpanned. “Not at 5 a.m. on a Saturday. You want something. Or rather, you need something. So why don’t you save us both some time and just tell what it is.”

His tone grew more and more irritable. You knew your brother was not a morning person, but this news was too big to wait any longer.

“So I met a guy…” you started.

“Another one? Honestly, I don’t need to hear about all your conquests at Cambridge. We’re close but your sex life—”

“It’s not like that! And ew…” you interrupted. “And this guy is not just a conquest. It’s serious.”

“Just like you thought with James, and Charles, and Stephen…” Benedict rattled off names of ex-boyfriends like a grocery list.

“I get the point, so stop. Now if you would listen for a minute, I can tell about Tom.”

He slumped into his chair, knowing he wasn’t getting out of the conversation soon. “Go on.” he gestured in the air not that you could see it.

“So he is studying the Classics.”

“Dead languages, that’s a useful life skill.”

You scowled at your phone. “Who is talking here?”

“He went to Eton.”

“Stuffy and pretentious.”

“Says the man who attend Harrow.”

“And he is an actor.”

“WHAT?!” Benedict yelled into the phone. “You of all people should know better than to date an actor. They are insufferable.”

“Says the actor.”

“I’m your brother I don’t count. So how did we meet this actor, which means unemployed student?”

“At a play.”

“Naturally.”

“He is charming and polite and handsome. And I want you to meet him.”

“Absolutely not.”

“At graduation. He’s graduating this year. It would mean a lot to me.”

“Nope.”

“Please…” you whined and Benedict swore he heard the pout through the phone. “… you can pick the restaurant for dinner.” You attempted to appeal to your brother’s voracious appetite.

“Even that curry place you hate?” he asked with hope in his voice.

“Even the curry place I hate.” you parroted back in defeat.

“Then it is a date.”

“Thank you. And Ben… be nice.”

“I make no promises. I hate him already.”

“Under different circumstances, the two of you could be friends.”

“I doubt that.”

“Just keep an open mind.”

“Fine.” he huffed into the phone. “Send me the date and I will be there.”

“Thanks, bro. I will talk to you soon.”

“Bye.”

Benedict ended the call and slumped even further in the chair, covering his face with his hands. He loved you more than anything in the world as his baby sister but he sometimes wondered in your taste in men. He hoped this time he was wrong.

Three Days Before Graduation

“This isn’t working out between us.” Tom started as he took a bite of the burger.

“I beg your pardon?” you asked as your jaw dropped open. “Are you… are you breaking up with me?”

Tom ran his hands through his messy blond curls. His blue eyes darted around the pub. “Well…” his lips pulled into a thin line as he chooses his next words. “… yes. I’m going off to RADA and you will be abroad for your third year. Long distance never works. I need to focus on my acting on my career, I don’t have time for a girlfriend. I mean did you expect this would last past graduation?”

“Yes!” you screeched, not caring if you made a scene.

“Keep your voice down.” Tom hissed as he leaned across the table.

“Is that why you brought here, so I wouldn’t make a scene!?” you lowered your voice only slightly.

Tom reached for your hand but you pulled away. “Come on, that’s not why. I thought we could enjoy a nice dinner out… as friends.”

Tom gave you one of his killer smiles. The smile that until thirty seconds ago would have made you melt in your seat. But all you saw was a smug grin and white hot flames of anger.

CRACK! You reared back and slapped Tom hard on the cheek. He sat stunned holding his face in silence.

“WE ARE NOT FUCKING FRIENDS, YOU BASTARD!” you threw your napkin on the table and stormed out of the restaurant, leaving Tom there with the rest of the patrons glaring at him.

You dialed your brother once you got home.

“Dinner is off!” you sobbed into the phone.

“What? How?” Ben tried to decipher what happened between your sobbing and sniffling.

“He… broke… up… me…!” you managed squeak out between gulps of air. You collapsed into sobs once again.

“He who?”

“Tom!” you snapped.

“What? But everything was going so well.” He resisted the urge to say “I told you so” but only because you sobbed so loud into the phone.

“Apparently not. He said something about wanting to be a serious actor and needing to focus when he goes to RADA.”

“He clearly has poor taste and is ill educated. Everyone knows LAMDA is better.” He joked trying to get you to laugh.

“Not helping.” you gave a halfhearted chuckle through stifled sobs. “I thought he was the one. Is it me? Why do I always pick the wrong guys?”

“It’s not you, these guys do not realize what they are missing out on. As for picking the wrong guys, if you just listened to your big brother…” his voice trailed off.

“And here is the ‘I told you so’.” you snorted, your tears drying and sobs subsiding.

“Did I say those words?” Benedict feigned mock hurt. "Those words came out of your mouth, not mine.”

“Hahaha.” You gave a joyless laugh.

“See? You are already laughing. The healing process has begun.”

“Hardly.” you wiped your nose with your sleeve.

“How about I speed that process along with coming up a day early and taking you to that diner place like?”

“You would do that for me?” your voice perked up.

“I would do anything for you. You’re family. That includes beating up the rat bastard that broke your heart. You never told me his last name. How else am I supposed to exact revenge?”

“It’s a ridiculous last name.”

“More ridiculous than Cumberbatch?”

“Hiddleston. His name is Tom Hiddleston.”

That name seared upon Benedict's brain for the next eight years.

-

2009

Even after several years in the industry, Benedict wasn’t sure if he loved or hated these kind events. A bunch of young actors grouped together like they were all friends. His agent and publicist insisted he needed to attend. This event was no exception, a gathering of upcoming British actors. He tugged at his jacket out of nerves.

“Is this seat taken?” a deep baritone asked. Benedict turned to catch a tall man with messy blond hair looking at him with questioning blue eyes.

“Please.” Ben pulled the seat away from the table and the man took a seat. “Better to grab one now than have to stand all night.”

“Right.” the blond man commented. Ben studied the gentleman next to him with narrowed eyes. “I don’t believe we’ve met before, name’s Benedict.” He extended his hand.

“Tom.” he took Ben’s hand and gripped it with enthusiasm. “I don’t think we have. I haven’t gone to many of these events yet.”

“A few tips, drink slowly, find a seat early, and use hand sanitizer.” Ben leaned in as he took a long sip of his drink.

Tom laughed. “I will remember that. Now that I look at you, there is something familiar, did we go to school together?”

“Harrow?” Ben offered.

“Eton. Cambridge?” Tom offered.

“Manchester. How about drama school?”

“RADA.”

“LAMDA.”

Tom smiled. “You must just have one of those faces.”

“Must be.”

Before long, they were laughing and chatting like they were old friends. Tom raised his glass.

“To new friends.” He offered in a toast.

“To future costars.” Ben countered.

They clinked their glasses and drank. A young woman came up and tapped Tom on his shoulder.

“Mr. Hiddleston…” Ben stiffened in his chair. “… you are need outside for a moment.”

“Of course.” Tom stood and gave Benedict a nod before walking off. “Save my seat.”

“I’ll do my best.” Benedict choked out.

Benedict’s eyes narrowed as Tom’s lean frame walked. This is the man who broke his sister’s heart. After about ten minutes, Ben downed the rest of his watered down cocktail and stood from the table to find Tom.

He entered the empty lobby and moved along to see if Tom had ducked into a side room. Benedict rationalized he just wanted to talk to Tom. But Benedict’s hands fisted at his side told another story.

A door opened at the end of the hall, Tom stepped out. In several long strides, Benedict caught up with Tom. In a single motion, he pushed the taller man against the wall.

“What the hell?” Tom exclaimed as he pushed back against Ben’s grip.

Although Tom outmatched Benedict in weight and height, he could not overcome Ben’s anger fueled strength.

“Does the name Cumberbatch mean anything to you?”

Tom tilted his head down, searching. “No… oh… “ His face grew in recognition. "Are you related to her somehow?”

Ben pushed him against the wall, digging his forearm against Tom’s throat. “She is my sister.”

Tom threw his arms up in defeat. “I didn’t know, I swear, mate. Listen, I acted like a jerk back then, I could have handled things better.”

Benedict stared down Tom. Tom gave a smile to Ben to diffuse the situation. “Bygones?” Tom offered.

Benedict contemplated letting him go. But the image of his sister absolutely crushed flashed in his brain. Before he knew what he was doing, he punched Tom square on the nose. Not enough to break any bones but Tom saw stars.

“Bygones.” Benedict muttered as he walked away.

Tom stood still, regaining his bearings. He left the event thinking the Cumberbatch family had a mean right hook.

[szopenhauer]

About my gf - survey

How did you meet?

I was going to school with one of her best friends, we went to a concert together, we lost contact for 10 years and this April we started to talk all over again 

How did they ask you to be their?

it’s a complicated/long story

Your first kiss.

I kinda blacked out (been on strong meds) and kissed her while we were sitting on a coach in her apartment, holding hands, I put my face in her hair and told her I love her then... I tried to leave the apartment asap, immediately, run! XD but she said I was good and today I wasn’t that good - lame of me I forgot how to do that 

Favorite gift they gave you.

she gave me her photo, a cat necklace and a stuffed unicorn that is our daughter - she called it Tęcza/Rainbow

Nicknames for one another.

I call her - sunshine/słońce, mom, cat/kot/kocik, kochanie and by her name of course

she calls me using various versions of my first name, skarbie/skarbek, daddy, tatuśku, top, beeb

*I’m also her natural contraception

What do you think of their family? What does his/her family think of you?

I think our dads are ok with us, her mom is dead now but she didn’t like me I guess? and my mom just found out - not sure what she’s thinking 

Inside joke?

many - I might list them sometime unless she wants to

Ten things you like about them.

she knows me so well like she looked into my soul or smth which is weird because she doesn’t know me that long and yet she understands me more than most of the people in my entire life ever did and she seem to accept me for who I am and even actually love me for my crappy self - both body and personality, I’m very ill and could hurt her - she still sticks with me through and through! she even written a story about me and didn’t forget me for ages and it feels like we actually didn’t skip those last 10 years but been there somewhere in each other’s lives because she’s like one of those old friends who were and are always there, you know? she remembers what I like and what I said, she always finds time for me, I just don’t know what she sees in me... 

her jokes, I love to laugh with her, time flies when I’m with her, makes me smile, she’s a lot of fun but not the kind of fun I prefer to avoid hahaha

apparently her touch, her touching me which is something new, a whole new experience because I don’t like to touch or be touched by anybody but I crave her somehow even tho I like my space/time alone, she was my first kiss, she doesn’t seem to bother me or tire me much, I think about her almost at all times (especially when I feel worse), she’s patient with me and I try to be the same towards her

similar opinions, some interests that we share

we complete each other, we’re not too different but not too identical, we’re just a pretty good match, we care for each other, worry about each other, help each other, support each other, she keeps me alive

we don’t argue, we talk, we explain, our primary love language is words of affirmation and I feel like I can open up to her, I can trust her with most things and I hope she can say the same thing about me ha! she’s being herself, she’s not pretending to be someone else, she’s bold, honest, imperfect which makes her more human/real and that makes me comfy to be around

those weird coincidences that happen often like signs that we should be together - I mean - maybe it’s not part of her but part of the universe but it's definitely ABOUT her

her hair

her butt

she’s cute XD

Your song. t.a.t.u. - All the things she said

How often do you see each other?

as for covid and her working and me being an introvert? often lol

What about her friends? What do they have to say about you?

ask THEM

Things you both have in common.

our parents have the same names (our fathers are from the same town), we were born the same year, we like 80s music, we have similar humor, we finish each other sentences/often have similar idea at the same time, we both lost a sibling and both have one older sibling that is still alive and we’re both black sheeps of our families lmfao, we both have health problems, we both had similar experiences when it comes to finding/accepting our sexual orientation

Biggest differences between you two.

she’s more an optimist while I’m a pessimist, she wears black clothes all the time tho and I am colorful and childish when it comes to my outfits, she hates yellow and green which are my fav colors, she’s a cat person and I’m a dog person, she’s an extravert and I’m an introvert, she works and I’m unemployed, she prefers boobs while I prefer butts, she’s tall and I’m short, she has long hair and I have short, she wears glasses and I don’t, she likes food I hate/am allergic to, she drinks and I don’t, she’s a musician and knows lots about technology

What you imagine your future with him/her to be. I’m fine with what we have now, we’ll see

A movie that is special to your relationship. some movies and shows remind me of her if that counts

What you two do together? mostly chat, joke, flirt, touch, walk around...

How long have you been together?

not long

Describe meeting his/her family. I thought her mom poisoned me so...

How well do I know her:

Their birthday - March *checks fb* 25th :x

Their astrological sign - Aries

Their middle name - they don’t have a middle name

The names of their parents - same as mine XD

The names of their sibling(s), if they have any - crap I forgot her brother’s name... ok now I checked, sorry lol

The names of their current pet(s), if they have any - *crickets, brain fog*

their name is Cat/Kot and I can’t believe I mixed it with cats of her grandma

*facepalm*

Their all-time favorite animated movie - I know she likes Minions and Shrek

The last TV show they binge-watched - some sort of anime for sure

Their biggest celebrity crush - no idea, I know she likes some korean guys but... she’s a lesbian so...

Their favorite swear word - chuj

Their go-to karaoke song - Evanescence - Bring me to life

[supercasey]

When you get this you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool!!)

Hahaha, alright, may as well!

1. I like how much I write, and I’m proud of the writing I do! I like to think I’m pretty good writer tbh, and I hope to get even better over time!

2. I like my curly hair. I sometimes joke about it being a hassle to brush/comb, but it’s actually pretty cute!

3. I like my eyes. I used to hate having brown eyes, because everyone said they were boring, but a few positivity posts for brown eyes on this site made me start seeing them in a better light.

4. I like that I give so much to the people I love. I’m unemployed right now, so it’s not often I get to treat my loved ones, but when I do get to, I feel so good!

5. I like my work ethic, and although I know it could be better, I think I’m a lot better at getting things done than I used to be.

Thank you for this ask, I really appreciate it!

[samtheflamingomain]

hello wisconsin!

Okay, I'm garbage and have been putting this off for ages. I finished binging That 70's Show like a month ago and have been building this post for just as long.

I started this post at the beginning of season 6. Read it as such. I'll let you know when the part I wrote at season 6 ends and where I pick it back up in the present. If that makes sense.

I'm starting at season 6 mostly because I'm pretty sure the shark is going to be jumped at some point soon. Just like MASH, which lasted longer than the Korean war, 70's stretches 2 years of high school into 5 seasons. Plus another 3 for some reason.

And that's my first point. New rule: if your TV show appreciates in time and the events in the show don't line up with that, you've fucked up. I just watched 5 seasons of the kids in high school. You're telling me this shit goes on for another 75 fucking episodes?

Look, MASH I can give a pass to because they don't mark specific points in the war to give the watcher any time reference. MASH gives no dates - it's feasible that a 5-year war could span 10+ seasons, if we guess that each season is 6 months long. (That's not how it really works, but you get the point).

70's STARTS THE SHOW at the end of grade 11, and we know this. To a rational person, that means "One season of grade 11, 2 for grade 12, maybe another for summers." Then. They. Graduate. And. Leave.

But that's... not happening. For ANY of the main characters. They just decided to extend a show about high schoolers into their *supposed* college years. Which I wouldn't even have minded much - if ANY of them ACTUALLY WENT TO COLLEGE.

If they hadn't made things so cut-and-dry regarding timeframes, They could've kept being 12th graders for 10 seasons for all I care. But they CHOSE to follow defined timespans. And I think that's what's got me feeling that season 5 might've been the last "good season".

So everything you've read, I wrote before I finished the show. And, well, turns out I was right. This is also from before I finished the show (with a few things I’ve thrown in now):

There's a lot to disect from 70s, but there's one I want to focus on: Red Forman.

Why? Well, these characters are static and uninteresting: Donna, Fes* and Bob. They're pretty useless in terms of character development. These ones have simple character arcs: Hyde, Eric and Kitty. They change and grow, but in pretty predictible ways. In terms of change, Jackie obviously takes the cake, with Kelso at a close second.

*It is actually spelled Fes, because that's not his name. It's an acronym for Foreign Exchange Student.

But there's only one character that never seems to change or grow at all: Red. I said "seems" because he does change and grow, but it's instantaneous and doesn’t come for a looooong time.

It takes place immediately after returning from fishing, after Eric tells him he and Donna are engaged. He reaches a very sound, strong position: he made Eric run the gauntlet on everything he shit his way, but Eric never gave up. So he gives Eric the blessing to marry Donna. (There's another very pivotal change in his character, but that's later.)

I would've called that a nice wrap-up to the series.

But then they had to give him a damn heart attack to keep all the kids here. Why? Fuck if I know. (Jackie's still in high school and Hyde has a job he likes at home, but there is literally no reason for any of these other kids to still be here.)

The stupid heart-attack got Eric to push back college. I was fine with that. Then the whole Casablanca shit with Donna not getting on the bus, well, it kinda pissed me off (like, girl, don't let a fuckin weak ass ferret man determine your future) but it was a pretty sweet, moving moment. Another one that would've been great to end the show on.

But they didn't. So now we have Kelso, future cop; Fes, unemployed illegal immigrant with ZERO CHARACTER TRAITS THAT PEOPLE CARE ABOUT; and Eric “Dog Food” Forman.

Anyway, back to Red. It was that one heartwarming moment when he came back from fishing that made me realize that, while this is obviously fiction, Red is the epitome of a psychologically abusive parent. And THAT'S when I realized that literally not one of the characters HASN'T gone through significant trauma. Red's a vet; Kitty's an alcoholic who lost her father; Eric has an abusive father and alcoholic mother; Donna has a mentally retarded ball of pubic hair as a father and her mother ran out; Hyde's parents split; Jackie's dad's in jail and mom fucked off. I refuse to talk about Fes anymore cuz he's just the stupidest, most irritating "character" on the show, Randy notwithstanding. "He's brown! And has a funny accent! Hahaha" - nobody, ever.

It's when I realized that we NEVER see ANY of Kelso's home life did I realize that he was likely the sanest of the group. And, like him outscoring both Hyde and Eric on the SATs, that's very, very sad.

Back to Red. We know he became traumatized and hardened by serving in two wars. We know he's treated Eric like garbage his entire life... yet Eric is pretty well-adjusted. And that is where, 5000 words in, we get to my point: abuse is played for laughs and it's fine because Eric has a snappy comeback to Red most of the time.

Eric Foreman's a sarcastic wit with great comedic timing. So that, according to the show, cancels out of all the times Red's told Eric he was stupid and degraded him in front of his friends.

Of course, conflict has to come from somewhere, and one's parents is that major source for most teens. But to an extent.

"Red's a hardass," as the kids say regularly. But no, being a hardass is refusing a kid candy till he finishes his broccoli. Not telling him he's worthless over and over and over for 17 years

And I don't care what anyone says: that amount of abuse over a child's life does not a snappy, well-adjusted Eric Forman make.

It makes me. A crumbling, shattered, fragmented person with no sense of self-worth or accomplishment.

And now, we’re caught up. Back in the present, having finished the show.

My point ended up being made.

If the show had ended at season 5 with Donna missing her bus, we would've missed a lot.

Look, I still firmly believe the show itself would've been better if it had ended earlier, but my complaints about the effect of Red's abuse of Eric would've gone unanswered.

I spent the next 3 seasons mildly annoyed that they existed - first, Eric doesn't go to college. Then neither does Donna. Why are they still around? Why do we still care? The whole point of the show was to show us high schoolers graduating and going off to college. To me, it felt like how it would feel if MASH continued after the war ended.

I was absolutely irrate when Eric announced the theme of season 7 would be "I'm taking a year off to eat and watch TV and sleep!" There was a great scene that's often seen on tumblr in gif form: at breakfast, Red asks Eric what he's going to do about: moving out, Donna, his job, and his future. He replies "I 'unno" to each question. Red tells him to have a plan by the end of the day if he wants to eat. And I said "Finally, some good fucking Red Forman." Then, at the end of the day, Eric announces: "Donna? Hanging out. Job? Quit. Future? None. When am I moving out? Make. Me."

To which I said, "THAT'S WHAT YOU DID LAST SEASON BITCH!" Only apparently I was wrong; Eric Forman could and did become even more useless than before.

But at least it gets us to my absolute favorite point in the entire series. Season 7, episode 9, 18 minutes in. (Thanks to Reddit for helping me locate this scene). Red is bitching at Eric for not knowing what to do with his life. Let's go straight to the transcript (with side jokes edited out):

E: Did it ever occur to you guys that I don't know what I'm doing? I'm scared, okay? Look. My whole life, I've been trying to please other people. So I feel like I don't know who I am. Or know what I want to do with my life. I just don't want to wake up in five years and hate my life.

R: That's unavoidable.

E: Okay, I just need more time to think.

R: You know what I got for my 18th birthday? A draft notice and a Malaria vaccine. I never had time to *think.*

E: Yeah, but Dad, don't you think it would've been helpful if you did?

Then the camera zooms in on Red, and no laugh track, no jokes, he thinks for a good 20 seconds. Then he says, "Okay. I'll give you six months."

It's my favourite scene. Even more than the one we get after fishing or the one before leaving for Africa. Because unlike those few heartfelt scenes, this one relies on Red. Being. Wrong. And admitting it.

There's a reason Eric's spent his whole life trying to please others: Red. There's a reason Eric doesn't know who he is: Red.

Throughout the entire series, Red's been a Conservative Republican veteran who, as Kitty puts it, "Thinks the only way to become a man is to DIE." Just 500 words ago, I called him abusive. And, let's be real, he is.

But I also had an abusive father. That's why I picked this direction for this post to go. I saw Scott in Red Forman. But they are NOT the same.

Red Forman will admit to being wrong. And that makes up for a whole goddamn lot. Going through abuse is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. But if they did and their abuser ADMITTED HE WAS WRONG, that is NOT nothing to the abused. If my dad had admitted he was a dick, my life would be a LOT different.

And Eric is the epitome of that feeling. His eyes light up when Red says he'll give him six months. Because Red knows he's done Eric wrong. He knows he owes him at least this much. At various points throughout the series it's been pointed out that Eric is who he is because of Red. It was inevitable that Red, too, would eventually reach this conclusion.

Anyway. That's that.

I do want to talk about other things than Eric and Red Forman, so let's play all the hits: fuck Jackie and Fes, fuck Randy with a chainsaw, the moment the show jumped the shark was when Eric bailed on the wedding, fuck Randy with a hot curling iron, Fes is the most annoying and useless character on the show, LOVED the episode where they finally Green Out™ and Kelso calls the White House, and FUCK RANDY WITH A CEREMONIAL JAPANESE KATANA.

Look. I can't in good conscience indulge in a 70's review without talking Randy.

But I hate him so much I don't want to waste energy on him so let's get this over with: useless, Gary Stu, want to put his hair through a blender, fuck him for being in the cirle in the theme song.

Okay, but let's play one last one: Tommy Chong.

I was curious as to why he was absent for 3 seasons so I Googled it. Dude was in prison for selling bongs. He said, upon getting out and returning to the show, "I thought they would've made that a part of the show!" I think that says it all about Leo and why he's my favorite character, with Hyde as a close second. But FUCK Danny Masterson and FUCK Scientology. Look it up.

Well, to finish off, an interesting tidbit: at the end of the theme song, it is Hyde who shouts "Hello Wisconsin!". The entire time, for 200 episodes, I would've sworn on my life that it was Kelso.

Stay Greater.

[charmingstrangeness]

I'm so sorry, I missed the writing ask meme! If you still feel like answering questions, I'm sending 3, 5, 9, 15, 23!

oh pfft don’t apologize haha it’s all good! thank you for sending an ask, i’m always happy to answer!!

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

g o d this is so hard to choose you have no idea????? i’m just gonna drop a whole bunch of my favourite bullshit here (each bullet is also a link to the fic it’s taken from)

all of the dialogue from the oso zine fic tbh but especially during osomatsu’s narration

“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura,” he corrects. “And yes, I would have woken you up. I’m here because I need your help.” / “I’m not a trained psychiatrist, Zura. I can’t give you the help you need,” Gintoki deadpans.

i’m very fond of the fight scene in the first chapter of the nightmares fic i genuinely feel like i did a good job with that

stealing dialogue from the iconic “that’s no moon” scene in a new hope for sakamoto and mutsu

“You’re an angry sack of potatoes, is what you are”

“Where did that idiot headband learn to play volleyball from, Free! Iwatobi Swim Club?”

the entire opening scene of the crossover fic i had no idea breaking the fourth wall to roast yourself was so much fun no wonder it’s a staple joke in gintama

5. most popular fic this year

this is actually tough bc i feel like it was distraction or pacifists are the best mediators as those got the best response overall when they were posted but i guess technically speaking by the numbers it was eating cheese before you sleep will give you nightmares. that being said tho it is a multichap and it didnt pass either of the other two in terms of hits or kudos until like, super late into the fall, and both are oneshots

(ao3 stats is putting distraction at the top of hits and kudos for 2017 but that’s because i just published a chapter of nightmares so it got bumped to the 2018 stats lol)

9. longest wip of the year

oh definitely the crossover fic - i know i’ve been publishing chapters but i have nothing written past what i’ve already published so it counts as a WIP hahaha. currently it’s sitting just shy of 14.5k words, all of which were written in the fall of 2017.

if we’re only including 100% unpublished stuff though, my longest WIP is that one gintama multichap i’ve been dying to write (aka The Long Fic). it’s sitting at about 7k words right now? damn and i’m only on like chapter 2 that thing’s gonna be a beast when i finally finish it and start posting

15. something you learned this year

mmmm probably the importance of having a personal reason to write a fic? for one thing, now that i can’t just sit in my room and write fic all day like i could in may i really need prioritize – if i’m gonna put the effort into writing something, it needs to be a story that i desperately want to exist, or a a piece that benefits me as a writing study or vent fic, or i need to be writing it for someone else (like for someone’s birthday or a zine).

also – and debatably more importantly – having a personal reason to write and publish helps when audience response is lacking. everyone knows i think it’s very important for creators to absolutely not measure their quality/worth by audience response, but as human beings who thrive on validation that is definitely something easier said than done. i learned that firsthand this summer, ironically with the nightmares fic – i had exactly zero comments on that fic for months, until i posted the fifth chapter in the fall. it was super discouraging & i came very, very close to falling into the “well obviously no one cares about this fic i should just stop writing it” hole over the summer. what ultimately saved the fic was the fact that i’d been using it as a style study for descriptive imagery and serious content. so i focused on that, and kept on writing, and then in the fall a whole bunch of people appeared out of the woodwork telling me how much they enjoyed it and looked forward to new chapters.

so yeah, that was an important lesson – even if you know you cant rely on audience response for validation, it’s still discouraging to not get any response, so a good way to get around that and finish your project is to have a personal reason for the project to exist. also, having a personal reason can help prioritize what projects you start when you have to balance your time with care.

(the other lesson, of course, is that thinking for even a second that people dont appreciate your writing is bullshit – comments i got in the fall concretely proved all my doubts about my writing from the summer wrong, so moving forward it’ll be easier to believe that people enjoy my fics even if they dont ever get around to saying so)

23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t

i had a really cute idea for a birthday fic for shinpachi but i was too busy in august to actually write it ;; i want it to exist too much to abandon it entirely so i’ll probably just write it and publish it sometime in the coming months lmao (birthdays are meaningless in gintama anyways since the characters don’t age so w h a t e v e r)

i was realllllly hoping to write another part to the drinking bet series in the fall but i didnt manage to get anything even to a WIP stage

i have like 5 ongoing WIPs that i was hoping to sort out over the fall as well. i had such high hopes for myself this fall idk why? like we all know the only reason i wrote so much in may and june was because i was literally unemployed and isolating myself after a breakup so i had a fuckton of spare time on hand. i knew i was moving in the fall and would have a job and a roommate to socialize with i dont know why i expected myself to get so much writing done lmao

[moonraccoon-exe]

Prompto and Ignis teaming up to make terrible puns together.

:’(

Your entry had me laughing at first because I would LOVE that, hahaha, dear gods. It’d be the end of the world, but a real good one. Drowned in puns by Pun Master and Pun Lord. 

But then I got sad because I’m a non-native speaker so I can’t come up with many ideas, if this was a request and not an “imagine” kind of entry. :’(

I have failed you, dear anon.

....

I’m definitely stealing puns from the internet to share with you because I want Prom and Ig to make awful puns together, here I go with my stolen content:

Prompto: Hey, Iggy. So Past, Present and Future all walked into a bar. Whatcha think happened next?Ignis: Hm, I’m going to assume things got a little tense.

Noctis: Can you guys do something that isn’t pun jokes?Ignis: Well, I had some jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn’t matter anymore.Gladio: How so?Prompto: None of them work.

Prompto: Gladio, I’ve come to the conclusion your book’s about space. Anti-grativity stuff and all.Gladio: Why do you think so??Ignis: Well, it does seem like it’s impossible to put down.

Ignis: Noct, whatever you do, do not ever spell ‘part a’ backwards.Noctis: ?? Why?Prompto: It’s a trap.

Prompto: So, Ignis, is there anything you wouldn’t be willing to do?Ignis: I wouldn’t ever be a banker.Gladio: Why?Prompto: Bet he has no interest.

Noctis: Guys, can you really stop the puns and go with other sort of jokes?Ignis: Well, I did have chemistry jokes, but I’m best not telling you those.Noctis: Why not?Prompto: There would be no reaction, dude.

Noctis: Is there anything you don’t do, Specs?Ignis: Hm, I’m positive my repertoire is quite extense. I even know sign language.Noctis: Really?Prompto: Comes in pretty handy.

Noctis: So? How’s Gladio?Prompto: Apparently, he broke his left arm and left leg, bro.Noctis: Really? Ignis: Worry not. He’s all-right now.

Gladio: Are you alright, Iggy? You’ve been pretty quiet.Ignis: I believe I may be emotionally constipated.Noctis: What?Prompto: He hasn’t given a shit in days.

Noctis: Hey, didn’t you hate insects?Prompto: Huh? Me? Yeah. Total hate.Ignis: They really bug him.

Prompto: Guys, remember about that Altissian chef that was sick last time we visited?Gladio: What happened?Ignis: He pastaway.

Prompto: Man, that Ravus guy sure is annoying. I was going to give him a nasty look.Gladio: What stopped you?Ignis: Ravus already had one.

Ignis: You’ve got quite the ladies’ attention being a fisherman, Noct.Noctis: How so?Prompto: That makes you a reel man.

Gladio: Why does Prompto always get the passenger seat?Ignis: He calls for gunshot.Noctis: ...wait, that was bad, can you please stop with the jokes?Prompto: Stop? That’s my respunsibility, no way am I stopping.Noctis: ...Noctis: ...wait.

Somebody please save Noctis and Gladio. They’re sharing a car with heartless monsters.

[tinygxrilla]

for the Get To Know Me Meme: all of THEMMMMMM

1. What is you middle name?Rose! :>
2. How old are you?15
3. When is your birthday?December 9th
4. What is your zodiac sign?Sagittariusssss
5. What is your favorite color?YELLOOOOWWW!!!!
6. What’s your lucky number?4 or 16
7. Do you have any pets?Yep- my golden doodle Cooper who is ADORABLE
8. Where are you from?I shall not disclose this information but a small town in the US!
9. How tall are you?5'2" I think
10. What shoe size are you?7
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?2, one pair of boots and a kind of new pair of navy blue converse
12. What was your last dream about?Lol it was about a noose in my grandmas house o-o
13. What talents do you have?I like to draw! That’s it haha
14. Are you psychic in any way?Nerp
15. Favorite song?HM well the most important songs to me are:Cigarette Daydreams - Cage the elephantMr. Blue Sky - ELOBrave as a Noun - AJJ
16. Favorite movie?Swiss Army Man and moonrise kingdom :o)
17. Who would be your ideal partner?Someone very loyal, awkward, and loud (to contrast my shyness), and someone who is a good listener!!
18. Do you want children?YES!!!!
19. Do you want a church wedding?I think so, but I donno
20. Are you religious?Not religious exactly, I was raised as an atheist but I prey to a god
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?I’ve been to the hospital like 100000 times this month, but I’ve very luckily never been put in the hospital!
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?Noooope
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?No, that would be awkward as hell though so that’s ok
24. Baths or showers?Both!!
25. What color socks are you wearing?Purple and white with silver stripes, and my other one is plain white
26. Have you ever been famous?Hahaha no
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?NaH
28. What type of music do you like?
I like classic punk, rock, alternative, and folk punk =]29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?NoPe I can’t do that I’d cry
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?1
31. What position do you usually sleep in?Just on my side, kind of in a ball?
32. How big is your house?I live in a condo, so relatively small? The basements finished though so not SMALL small??
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?Usually during school I don’t eat breakfast, otherwise I get a frozen coffee from Dunkin donuts or I eat toast
34. Have you ever fired a gun?NAaaAhh
35. Have you ever tried archery?In school we’ve done archery :D it’s fun but I suck
36. Favorite clean word?HaloOooo
37. Favorite swear word?Fuck or whore (not in like a slut shaming way lol) would be my main picks
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?2 days?? Probably? I’ve gone longer with like little sleep but I don’t think I could last longer with no sleep
39. Do you have any scars?Yee yee
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?I’m not cool enough for that shit man B(
41. Are you a good liar?I don’t lie a lot sooooo,,, maybe?
42. Are you a good judge of character?Probably not haha, I interpret everything in the worst possible way
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?NoPe I suck at accents
44. Do you have a strong accent?Nope
45. What is your favorite accent?Boston accent
46. What is your personality type?INFP-T :>
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?Probably one of my sweaters from Urban Outfitters cause DANG those are $$$$
48. Can you curl your tongue?No :,(
49. Are you an innie or an outie?InniE bish
50. Left or right handed?right
51. Are you scared of spiders?Only stink bugs but if there’s one close to me while I’m in my household yes I’m terrified, also I hate when they’re in my shower it’s terrible
52. Favorite food?Pasta or mashed potatoes B}
53. Favorite foreign food?Americanized Chinese food lol
54. Are you a clean or messy person?MesSy
55. Most used phrased?I love you you’re the best for some odd reason
56. Most used word?Like
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?hOUrs upOn hours cause I take long showers
58. Do you have much of an ego?NaH
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?Suck ););;);))
60. Do you talk to yourself?Kind of?? In my head 24/7 I do and sometimes I do out loud when I’m alone
61. Do you sing to yourself?Ya, but not in like a serious way
62. Are you a good singer?Most definitely not
63. Biggest Fear?People not liking me
64. Are you a gossip?I hate to admit it but yes definitely (only to really close friends and family though I don’t go spreading things)
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?I’m not sure actually, I don’t watch a lot of movies or know what qualify as a dramatic one
66. Do you like long or short hair?Both!
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?This is terrible because I live there but I don’t think I can O-O
68. Favorite school subject?ART!
69. Extrovert or Introvert?Introvert, but if I’m not around people for too long I always feel like they don’t like me so I don’t love being alone for too long
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?No but that sounds awesome!!
71. What makes you nervous?The WOrLd, I hate interacting with people, even friends uKh
72. Are you scared of the dark?Ya, one time I though my dad was gonna sneak in my house and murder me because I was tired and very delusional and it was very dark and I was aFrAiD
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?Sometimes because I’m very annoying and irritable
74. Are you ticklish?YeS dear god
75. Have you ever started a rumor?No I ain’t startin shit
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?I don’t think so
77. Have you ever drank underage?NoO
78. Have you ever done drugs?NoOooo
79. Who was your first real crush?I don’t think I’ve had one prey for me, maybe on my gay friend?? But I think I was just excited that I befriended a boy??
80. How many piercings do you have?None, I had my ears pierced once but they got infected so I let them close back up
81. Can you roll your Rs?“No ;(
82. How fast can you type?SuPPa fAsT
83. How fast can you run?Kinda fast for really short periods of time because ur girl has bad asthma
84. What color is your hair?BrowN
85. What color is your eyes?BroWn
86. What are you allergic to?Kittens :,,,,,( also seasonal allergies
87. Do you keep a journal?I did but it made me sad lol
88. What do your parents do?My dad like puts prices on houses and my mom wants to work at JJILL but she’s unemployed and a very hard working single mother
89. Do you like your age?Other people my age? No. Being my age? Yes definitely, perfect time to be a kid but also be a bit mature
90. What makes you angry?EVERYTHING OH MY GOSH;-people who lie-people who romanticize mental illness-people who post online about other people-people who don’t understand mental illness-people who joke about wanting to kill them self
91. Do you like your own name?Not Amanda really but I like Mandy!
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?I really like the name Sally and Eileen but I don’t know about boys names
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?Either would be great but as of now I think it would be nice to have a lil lady
94. What are you strengths?I’m very loyal I think
95. What are your weaknesses?Shy, awkward, nervous, and also physically weak lol
96. How did you get your name?My mom or my Grammy (it’s a debate) just liked it
97. Were your ancestors royalty?NoPe
98. Do you have any scars?This was already a question! Ha HA
99. Color of your bedspread?I just got a white one with pickles on it from Ikea OuO
100. Color of your room?Like a cool grey color

AYYY I’m done!! Thank you for asking because it’s very obvious I love to talk about myself, also I’m assuming nobody read this but that’s ok cause it was lots of fun

[ely-en]

5. Sir, bakit ka umalis? (Kasi ganun)

Hey Tumblr! It's been a while. Last time I logged in was the time I wanted to make weekly updates about my life. Looking back at my previous post, I was sad because I'm unemployed because back then I thought work will give you life. In a way, that's still true because of bills and stuff. But, right now after 2 years, 2 job titles, and 3 companies later, I'm unemploye d again but right now, I'm looking for life. Having said that, I'm not writing now on how I'll be in constant search for exitentialism. I'm writing right now because my students keep asking why I left. Yep, I had students because in a way, at the back of my mind, even though I never wanted it, I always felt like being a mentor (maybe because of too much anime, see: Soujiro Hiko or Eikichi Onizuka... weeb -_-). For this post, I'll be speaking in Taglish because I'm conyo that way, I'm kidding for those who don't understand e-sarcasm. I just want to convey the ideas in a way that my students will understand, in their mother tongue. So, para sa mga Alien na babasa nito, eto na. Sana wala na masyadong magtanong: 1. I never planned to stay long - I know my strengths and weaknesses. I'm a deep thinker (PAYABANG!) but I'm not a talker. Kinuha ko yung opportunity magtura para masanay ako magsalita sa harap ng maraming tao. Kinakailangan ko sanayin magsalita kasi sa tingin ko kailangan ito sa career na pinaplano kong puntahan. So, sa plano ko, after 1-2 years lang ako magtuturo pagkatapos magfofocus na ko sa pagkapsych major ko. Yun naman talaga inaaral ko hanggang ngayon. 2. Traffic - Pag nasa Pilipinas ka, di na dapat excuse ang traffic sabi nung first boss ko. Walang lugar sa Pilipinas na hindi traffic. Siguro, hindi dapat traffic nilagay ko as reason, parang mas appropriate ang time constraint. Nag-aalarm ako 4am everyday, pero mga 5 something na ako kumikilos. Dapat kasi 5:30am nakaalis na ako ng bahay, latest is 5:45am, para makadating ako sa school ng before 7am. Normal lang naman diba? 1hour something yung biyahe, bakit ako nagiinarte? Pauwi. 4pm ang out ko pero maaga na yung 6pm nasa bahay na ko. Pauwi naman, anong problema ko? From 7am-2pm nakatayo ako, magdamag nagsasalita. Gusto ko magpahinga kasi may iba din akong responsibilities after work. On my part, alam kong negative mindset to, don't worry guys I'm trying to fix this part of myself. I'm blowing it out of proportion pero kahit mahirap, kailangan mag-adjust. 3. Studies - Mayabang ako eh. Inisip ko kakayanin ko magwork ng Mondays-Fridays then Saturdays for my Masteral Studies then Sundays for chores. Sabi ko, bata pa naman ako, malakas ako. Then POOF! I became Koko Crunch. Yung tipong madali madurog. Sinubukan ko naman kayanin yung work ko pero pag dating ng Saturday, sabihin na lang naten na hindi madali mag MA. Kailangan talaga mas malakas ka sa isang daang porsiyento ni Toguro (Ghost Fighter/Yu yu Hakusho reference). Ang assignment ko due in a week pero pang 1 month yung effort na kailangan mo bigay. Okay OA, pero mahirap talaga siya lalo na kung nahihirapan ka ibudget yung oras mo everyday. 4. Simple Physics - Sa mga di naka-gets, tanong niyo yung 9A batch 16-17. Ayoko sana siya pagusapan dito kasi wala naman na ko talagang hard feelings sa kanya pero I can't deny na I was getting to the point na umiinit yung ulo ko, nawalan ako ng gana pumasok dahil sa kanya. For those who don't know me personally, I don't like the idea of "hate", kahit na nandiyan naman talaga yung negative force na yan. As much as I wanted to see the good in everybody, it came to a point na I feel attacked pag kinakausap niya ko (not a good sign for a good leader, take note everyone). I'll admit na I made mistakes, huge mistakes that could have had major implications to the company and to myself as a person. I wanted to redeem myself pero by that point I wanted nothing more to do with her. In a way, para lang maganda pakinggan, I put myself in exile from my students because of those actions. I WAS working for my students, not for her. In all honesty, I respect her as an educator, she seems like the type of person who can get a point across and get things done. But, since the start, I never liked her as a person, I don't hate her, the proper term may be I'll always be indifferent towards her. I just wanted to get that out. As I said earlier, I don't have hard feelings. I'm still wishing the best for everyone, including her. 5. "Hindi ka nandito para maging mabait" - Nung sinabi sa akin itong mga salitang ito, dun ako napaisip. Matagal, mahirap, pero napaisip akong iwanan yung mga students ko. Sa nagsabi sa akin nito at sa kung sino mang makakabasa nito (I have 3 followers right now who are more less inactive on Tumblr), be careful what you say. No matter what your intention is, be it good or bad, it can leave a big impact on a person. Sinabi saken yang words na yan kasi I was being too friendly with my students and the day before that na late ako (hehe) sa isang klase ko kasi I was talking to one of my students who needed someone to talk to. Let's just say I got caught up with the idea with helping everyone who are feeling what I used to feel. In short, pinagalitan ako pero wala akong pake, kapal ng mukha ko eh hahaha Joke, di ko na maalala yung pagalit saken kasi iniisip ko yung student ko na yun. 6 words was all that it took for me to realize na hindi ako nagtrabaho para makipagkaibigan, ang trabaho ko magturo. Then, few months later, I filed the resignation. Marami pa kong reasons kung bakit ako umalis. Lima lang sinabi ko kasi baka pag dinagdagan ko pa baka maging author na rin ako sa Wattpad (shoutout nga pala sa nagbabasa ng I Love You Since 1892, sayo lang tong special mention yung iba assumera lang hahaha). Anyway, sinabi ko itong reasons na to kasi madami na nagtatanong nagiging inconsistent na yung sagot ko kasi nga dami ko rin reasons kasi nga pinagisipan ko mabuti. Syempre, share ko din sa inyo yung mga natutunan ko sa mga experiences kong yan: 1. It's nice to have a plan. Di ko inexpect na mageenjoy ako sa pagtuturo pero kailangan kasi alam pa rin natin yung mga priorities natin as individuals. Hindi man ako nagtuturo sa oras na ito, open pa rin naman ako makipagusap sa inyo. Malay mo mafeature yung kwentuhan naten sa next blog ko hahaha 2. Spend your time wisely. Easier said than done pero di naten maiiwasan na maramdaman na kulang ang oras. Ang mahalaga ay kung nagamit mo ba ang oras mo para mas maimprove ang sarili mo. Sa mga biyahe ko pauwi, sinubukan ko magbasa ng libro (di ako reader, I never finished a novel my whole life aside from comics/manga). Masakit sa mata, nakakahilo lalo na pag dumaan sa humps yung jeep, pero natuto ako. 3. Never stop learning. Mahirap ang school. Boring makinig sa teacher. Isipin mo na lang di naman para sa kanila yung mga pinagsasasabi nila sa harap. Para sayo yan. May mga students diyan na akala nila magaling na sila kasi medyo magulo magsalita ng english yung teacher nila meron din naman na masita lang ng teacher yung kalokohan nila ng konti feeling na niya pasan na niya yung mundo. Bakit ko sinasabi to? Di ko din alam hahaha But seriously, take every opportunity to learn and grow as a person. Maraming nagbabago. Hindi pwedeng kung sino ka kahapon, ganun ka pa rin ang alam mo bukas. Kailangan matuto. Kailangan mag-level up. 4. Huwag kayo matakot. "Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering" sabi nga ni Master Yoda. Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves. Try to see each other in a good light. Walk in their shoes (pero pag napupuno ka na walk ON their shoes joke hahaha). People keep hating on the things they don't understand because we let them. Don't force yourself to be liked by anyone, if you feel tension from someone give them space. Learn from them, improve yourself. Respect everyone. 5. Help yourself first before you help anyone. Di mo malilinis yung salamin kung madumi ang tubig (much deep, so wow). Take the time to get to know yourself more, know who you are as a person. Sabi nga ni MJ (Angeles? hindi Michael Jackson kasi), start with the man on the mirror. So ayun nga, masyado akong nagenjoy maging teacher, feeling ko naglalaro ako pero parang nasobrahan kaya minsan nalilimutan ko na kailangan ko pala magturo ng lessons. Do I regret it? No, there's so much more to teach than just grammar and math. The world is your classroom, don't let your mind be stuck on the four walls of a room. Magtuturo pa ba ulit ako? For sure, kahit na di teacher ang tawag saken I still want to share what I learned before I bite the dust (eww). Miss ko ba ang APEC Roxas? Oo naman, you'll never forget your first. I'd like to continue talking to everyone. Isipin niyo na lang Sarahah ako tutal uso naman siya ngayon, anonymously ko sasagutin tanong niyo. Alam niyo naman kung paano ako makakausap eh hahaha Pagod na ko magtype. Be happy Roxas/Pasay, hindi lang APEC, pati yung mga nagtransfer na na feeling nila nakalaya sila joke hahaha Be happy mga Alien.

[dylannicknight]

Page 6. Serodiscordant

I was about to post this last night but was not able to due to my heavy work load.. haays..

A serodiscordant relationship, also known as magnetic or mixed-status, is one in which one partner is infected by HIV and the other is not. This contrasts with seroconcordant relationships, in which both partners are of the same HIV status.

As indicated in my description, I am in a serodiscordant relationship in which my partner is not HIV positive. When I found out that I am HIV positive and my partner left me, I decided not to be in any relationship anymore. I promised myself to just enjoy life and dedicate myself to my mom and dad. As time passes by that I am unemployed due to medical reasons and I have no source of income, depression is finally taking over me. Since this isn’t the first battle I had with depression and anxiety, I tried to socialize again in social media and tried to talk to people I don’t normally talk to. I tried to be cheerful as possible and I laughed so hard on every little thing.

I was then included in a chatroom full of people living in the south. Well… it’s kind of far as I am living in the north. But who cares, I’m making friends. I got to socialize with them and there are a few people who showed their interest in me. Oha! ganda ko noh?! char! But since I know for a fact that I am infected with this virus I pushed them away and did not show any interest. Until! I got to see someone in the chatroom. He looks so sweet. He looked kind of familiar. Probably resembling someone I know but what I’m sure of is that he has a lovely smile. Urgh! My weakness! But again, I kept telling myself not to as I have this curse running in my blood stream. So as much as I can, I tried not to stalk him in social media. But since we are in the same chatroom I get to see him online.. Always.. haay…

One day, they all got to hangout and of course, since I live far in the north, I was not able to join them. I saw in the pictures that he was there. And! Oh My God! Seriously! Someone is hugging my Mr.Smile!! How dare you! you! you! #$&%!!! Okay! Okay! He’s not mine… he’s not.. really.. No, I’m not gonna say it. I’m not hurt. huhuhu! Again, I closed my eyes. Thought of possibilities. Maybe, just maybe, it was a good thing. Mr.Smile don’t deserve someone like me. I mean why me? At that very moment I am sick, I am jobless, I am a pozzie, I can’t go out, I’m literally broke. Haay.. So finally.. I got over it. Besides, I didn’t see him showing any interest on that guy hugging him anyways. Haha!

One night, the guys are talking about dirty experiences. Lustful and sinful. I found it funny as some of those I don’t really know and have not experienced. Some I did. I’m interested in joining the conversation but I saw Mr.Smile is still online. Oh My God! hahaha! So I kept asking him to go to sleep as he still have work tomorrow but the truth is, I just don’t want him seeing me joining that kind of conversation. Then he said, Why do you keep asking me to go to sleep? Do you have a CRUSH on me? OH MY FREAKIN!… Shet! Am I that obvious? I felt like the whole world just dropped on me and that all people around the world are pointing fingers on me! My Gosh! oh no, I have to keep my cool so I tried to be cool and tried to laugh it out, Fuck! So I kind of thought of just riding on it as I was thinking that he was just joking. I tried to tell him why would I even have a crush on him? and if I do, then what? I tried to tell him I don’t know if this is crush or not? But every time he would tease me I would answer back as if I liked him. AMF! I kind of thought that pretending to like him is so difficult but actually, pretending that I didn’t like him is harder. Then he finally said the magic word. I LOVE YOU… Whether he meant it or not.. My whole world stopped… it’s like the clock stopped ticking and i stopped breathing and my heart kept pounding. All I ever wanted at that moment is to hear him say it. I no longer care if he meant it or not. and I just found myself replying… I LOVE YOU TOO.. Anlalandi nyo! hahaha!

The next day, I kept reading the conversation we had and I can’t stop myself from smiling and feeling all those butterflies flopping their wings in my tummy and all the stars sparkling in my eyes. I think I’m going crazy. Then I finally had the courage to add him in facebook. (yes! we were chatting in a groupchat but were not even friends in any social media haha!). The moment I added him he accepted it right ahead. GOSH! Were you waiting for me to add you? Were you actually checking if I will add you? I know for myself that I have a crush on you but did you really think I do? breathe! breathe! breathe! I never imagined that having a crush on someone so bad can actually cause a feeling of almost having a heart attack!

We chatted, exchanged numbers, texted each other, called each other and this time I know. I’m falling. The next day he told me that he’s going out with some friends. Nagpapaalam si koya?? haha! I just simply smiled and said its okay. He may come home late. And still I said, it’s okay. I mean seriously? Who am I to stop him? jowa? jowa? But I found myself.. waiting for him to come home. waaah! I’m so inlove na po! Then in the morning he called. explaining why he got home so late. Telling me stories of what happened. Then asking me, Why are you up so early? I answered, I haven’t slept yet. He then asked Why? and I just found myself telling him that I was waiting for him to come home. He then said it again. I LOVE YOU.. I really don’t know what with him and I’m not really sure if he meant it or he’s just drunk. You’re just drunk I said. And he responded, no.. I really do.. I’m drunk but I definitely know what I’m saying. Then for some reason, I felt sad. So before feeling depressed. I held on to all the courage I ever had in the world to tell him. That I am HIV positive. I told him that I dont really know how he feel for me and I don’t really know if he like me or not. If he’s not interested in me then it’s okay. If he like me, then I’m already saying that I am sick before he falls on a deeper emotion. It was a sad confession of a sick guy. I know, I know.. I immediately cut off all the happiness in me, in us. He then called and said he read my messages confessing about my status. He said he just closed his eyes and felt sad. But then he said, he thought about it and it’s okay. He then said we can’t really choose who to fall in love with and in your case, I fell in love with you. (Ganda ng lola nyo!).

SO pozzie brothers and sisters. My ever dearest blood siblings. There is still love despite of all the sickness that we have. Just like what a friend of mine said. Being HIV positive does not make you less than who you are. :)

We are now on our 16th month and counting. Love, if you ever found yourself reading this blog post, this is for you. I love you. :)

[huskaid]

End...

Some people didn’t know about it, or some people don’t care about it...

I’m still trying to cure this pain, to recover the scars, to the new me...

This is about what I’m feeling since 5 months ago, the last week of September 2018. When almost all the things about me changed. I know people will say, “It’s been a long time, why don’t you moved on!? Go meet new people and make yourself happy again!”

They said that, yeah, they are. But they didn’t know about what I’m really feel. Losing the best one. Losing the people who makes me happy and could replace the happiness when my dad is still alive.

It’s about him. My ex-close friend. Not a boyfriend. Just a friend who knows each others well. And I think I should tell this story. I don’t care if his friends--even him--read this post. If he read it, I hope he realize.

Let me tell you about what happened at September 22 nd 2018. A day that changed my life.

At that time, I’m still unemployed, I decided to taking a graphic design class for a month. It was a sunny Friday at 2 pm. It’s been a week I’m not chatted with him. My close-friend. Just a simple “Hi!” he’ll reply some random words, even a weirdo link (really weird!).

But I’m surprised when I saw his profile picture in LINE. He’s with a woman. Beautiful. Wearing hijab, bright skin, just beautiful. That thing make me surprised more, it was the unusual thing he post a photo with a girl as a profile picture. And I can guess it easily, it’s not only his friend or sibilings.

It must be his girlfriend.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about it. Happy and upset at the same time. And a little bit of jealous (just a little bit, about 0,00009%). Happy because finally he has a girlfriend. And upset, because why the hell he didn’t tell me. I’ll be happy about it, and I’ll make a distance and create some limits to make them longlast ever. The second one is sad, I know it.

That thoughts make me send him a single word: Congratulatuion. It means, “Damn you. Why the hell you didn’t tell me? And why don’t I get the treat for your new relationship?” I don’t mean to angry, just wanna making fun. Because after that I’ll ask more about his girlfriend and tease him hahaha.

Ok, that’s my plan. At first. Before I got his reply. And then about 5 minutes later I got it.

“Thank you. Sorry, I didn’t tell you that I’ve done my thesis defense.”

Done your thesis defense??? Wait! What!? A thesis defense!?

WHAT-THE-ACTUAL-FUCK!!!

His reply really hurts me! I don’t care he has a girlfriend or maybe 2 or 10 girlfriends, but thesis defense? How could he didn’t tell me about that crucial moment at the university days. The thing that make you graduate or not.

It makes me really upset of him. Really upset to the max. And I replied with sarcastic words, “Oh yeah, ok. I’m really sorry if I made too much mistakes for you. I’m not a good friend for you.” My mind just full of anger and upset. I wanna cry but I’m in a crowded place.

So I only closed the lid of my laptop so rough until make a loud sound and I throw my phone so hard until edge part of the LCD is broken. The fuck! What kind of friend is he!?

I forgot about our last conversations before the end (I already delete and blocked him). But I’m still remember some, he told me about his reason why he didn’t tell me about his thesis defense. And here’s the reply (I can’t remembered it precisely but this is the main point).

“Honestly, I want to tell you about it. I have an intention to tell you about it. But I’m busy replying the chats from my friends and it makes me forget.”

Wait, wait... You have an intention but you’re busy. And I know he hasn’t many friends. Not like a celebrity or an organization leader. I know his circles.

And he has that reason. Wow! Such a funny creature he is. I have an old friend, we know each other since 2005 and he’s really busy at his university days (we attend at the same university but different degree). And we don’t meet each other often, we do it at least once a semester. But he told me about his thesis defense. He still remember me, his weido friend since elementary school. It makes me happy so much because he still consider me as a friend. At least.

But that man? (Oh, is he a man?). Maybe I’m too narcist, but hey! We communicate reallly often and do hangout at least once in a semester. I meet him every semester (at least). He always told me about his struggles, about life, academics even family. And I try my best to solve it (even it just a cheap jokes to make him happy--I guess). I also try to help him when he’s at the hard condition.

And I do that, too. I’m really happy when I with him, because he’s the only one friend that understand my weird and random thoughts (although he still think that I’m weirdo, and he’s weird as well). Have some same interesting. His affection… Damn!

I feel comfortable when I’m with him. No, I’m not in love with him.

But it was.

I replied to him again, “Am I too weird? Am I too ugly? Am I not worth to be your friend? Am I just your friend with benefit? Am I not worth to be your friend? Am I just your psychologist?” Then he said no and I’m still his friend. I’m still angry at him and he replied he’ll still be my friend although I blocked him, or I ended our friendship. He just hopes I have a better friend than him and have a better life. I don’t care about it. I just want to end this shitty friendship. And he replied, the last reply before we really end it.

“Fine, be that way.”

Since then we really end the friendship and I don’t know where he is, what’s he doing, or whatever the shitty things about him.

After that words, all I did just crying at night in my room.

Day by day, month by month, even the year changed. I’m still feel the same: depression when I’m alone. Because all I remember just the days that I spent with him until how we ended our friendship. I’m not changing my decision because I really upset by him. But I feel my life not getting better since then.

I become more introvert and scared to make new friends. I told this problem to some of my friends and they told me to forgive him and make a new life. They think it’s easy to do. I always try to move on, but I still remember about that man. They told me don’t take any revenge on him. But deep in my heart, I want to break his bones if I meet him.

If I meet him someday and somewhere, don’t worry, I’ll not break his bones. Just say sorry to me and done. After that, I’ll do whatever I want to him, including break his bones.

[minxiebutt]

tag it

I was tagged by @shippingeruri !! <3 <3

1. What is your sex and gender?

female

2. What do you identify as?

ace as fuck 

3. Are you skilled in Martial arts? What do you know or want to learn?

hahaha, no and nO

4. How many followers AS OF THIS MOMENT?

almost 300! (maybe a follow forever is in order-- do they still do those??)

5. Are you a morning person?

if by morning, you mean awake all night and then the sun comes up and i just never sleep, why yes :) but generally, yes, i get up early.

6. How many languages have you studied/fluent in?

native to english. i used to know modern standard arabic, equivalent of a 5-year-old, and a fair amount of the egyptian dialect. i still know most of the letters so i can still read it out loud (so, so slowly) but i can’t translate. spanish and german are on my WIP list. 

7. What are your hobbies?

does keeping my kids from killing each other count? because i’m an expert hobbyist at that :D all my hobbies outside of fandom are boring and domestic and predictable...

8. What is one thing you did in the past month that you are embarrassed of doing?

my guy, my whole life is an embarrassing thing....

9. Do you work/highshcool/college?

is homemaking still considered unemployed? i’m looking for a real job, though.

10. Tell us one funny joke!

fluffernutter? i hardly know her! (idk wasn’t that on an episode of cupcake wars or whatever???)

Thanks for the tag! I’ll tag everyone who clicked below the cut :3

[laurelshu]

A) What does the last text you sent say? And to whom?

To: SS

Tried to see what kind of person I was back then but tumblr deleted all my surveys it looks like. Pooooop. Saw your gay ass post in my private one though lol. Hai.

B) What does the last text you recieved say? And from whom?

Hahaha - Dan Nguyen

C) What time do you wake up most mornings?

9ish

D) Are you afraid of walking alone at night?

Depends on where... and if I’m drunk. I’m fearless when I’m drunk. Not a good trait.

E) What do you do to relax at the end of a stressful day?

Take a well deserved nap.

F) Where did your last kiss take place and with whom?

Secret

G) Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school?

Nah, not really. I wasn’t there to be in trouble. LOL.

H) Do you enjoy your job? If unemployed, are you content being so?

Learning to appreciate that I have a dead end job at the moment.

I) Do you often pick up on double entendres and innuendos?

Unfortunately, no.

J) Have you ever been offered drugs but declined?

(Don’t) say no to drugs!

K) Have you ever met someone who has completely altered your way of thinking?

No.

L) Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted?

(Don’t) say no to drugs!

M) Tell us something weird that turns you on.

Bad jokes

N) When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual?

No

O) What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately?

The fact that I’m human and this is my first life so I’m allowed to make mistakes and I always trust the wrong people.

P) When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation?

Any time anyone talks about politics.

Q) Do you usually initiate hugs?

Hmmmm maybe.

R) Are you a very affectionate person?

No

S) Can you roll your own cigarettes?

Never tried.

T) What are you looking forward to?

Something or someone that’ll wow me.

U) Do you have any tattoos. Do you want any/more?

Yes, &maybe not.

V) Are you mentally strong?

I can strongly say no.

W) Are you physically strong?

I wish

X) Do you think you’re a good person?

No, not at all.

Y) Name one thing you wish you could change about your life right now.

Debt.

Z) What do you usually eat for breakfast?

Water, coffee, or tea.