#this is a combination of 'im just feeling it' and also 'id much MUCH rather be in the living room right now'

[aidenwaites]

I don't wanna give up on finishing it right now but honestly,,, I might

[snickersnackety]

this is just what america Is Like. no regard for the fact that pedestrians have just as much right to public spaces as drivers. it's built into the city design and traffic laws.

i love crossing the street in front of cars where i can see the driver is visibly annoyed because like. are you mad at me? am i making you mad? are you upset? are you gonna kill me about it? gonna vehicular manslaughter me? gonna split my head open like a watermelon with that big strong manly truck? are you mad at me?

[ivysprophecy]

coincidence

warnings: this isnt a very... girls girl chapter XD got inspo from that one scene in oth where haley slaps daneel ackles lol sooo underage drinking, cursing, drinks thrown in faces, hair pulling, reader being difficult XD idk what else

word count: 1490

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masterlist

summary: things with jj had been great, steady even. it was a whole month of pure bliss, so is it a coincidence that you predicted this was gonna happen?

divider by @bernardsbendystraws

things have been so great. jj and i have been great i should say rather. its likes nothing has changed but it has in the best ways.

and no ones said anything. no questions no pestering.

just us.

its been about a month since that day on the beach and to be truthful the sneaking around, stolen kisses, and small touches, its been so much fun.

granted i dont like lying to all of our friends but i think its been beneficial to our relationship. theres no pressure of any watchful eyes.

and its very helpful when they expect all the touching and glances anyway so like i said, its been easy and thrilling,

which leads us to now at a bonfire in the boneyard dancing and drinking and relaxing.

"im gonna go get another drink okay j?" he pats my thigh giving me that damn smirk.

"bring me one too mama, just a cup from the keg."

"you didn't use your manners maybank," i stand up looking back at him with a teasing smile.

he rolls his eyes tilting his head back pretending to be fed up with me. "please mama?"

"i suppose i can do that." i send him a wink. "ill be back in a minute, dont miss me too much."

"oh i miss you already," he smiles knowing exactly what its doing to me. hes sitting against the rocks with his legs spread and his arm splayed next to him resting against where i was sitting.

fuck he looks good. wanna take him home and climb him like a damn tree.

unfortunately to get to the keg i have to pass through the crowds of tourons, kooks, other pogues. its a giant mess of music, drama, and body odor.

with a few excuse me's and shoves i finally made it to the keg and coolers that house my preferred rum and cokes. i make my drink before grabbing jj's, marking the cups appropriately with one of the sharpies laying around.

ive only had three so its still legible.

doing my best to push past the crowds again with out spilling my drinks it takes a little longer to find my way back to my boyfriend.

who, when i turn past a group of people, i see him leaning against the rocks with some girl shoving her tongue down his throat. aggressively might i add.

so i do what any rational person would do in this situation. i threw my drink on her.

"fucking bitch!" i pull her off of jj by her obnoxiously long, thick, and blonde ponytail, "who the fuck do you think you are!? huh?! you like being a boyfriend stealing slut?"

"woah! woah? y/n-" i feel someone wrap their arms around my waist and pull me away from the girl, "take a breather i can explain-"

oh tell me he did not just say that.

"you can explain? you can explain how im gone for five fucking minutes and youve already got some dumb fucking touron wrapped around your finger? fuck that maybank! and fuck you!"

"mama! mama slow down! okay listen- just for two seconds listen to me!"

"i fucking trusted you!"

"you still can! i didnt kiss her!"

everyone has their heads turned in our direction at the sound of us bitching at each others face. including our friends.

this night just got shitty and its about to get a whole lot shittier. im not drunk enough for this. but somehow im also too drunk for this. you know what i mean?

"mama i wouldnt do that to you- cmon you know me. id never hurt you on purpose," jj pleaded for my sympathy.

i dont know if its the alcohol, the rage, or a combination of tonights events with the two. but i cant fucking deal with this right now.

"jj i saw you kissing her! dont fucking lie to me right now. i told you this wasnt gonna work. that it would be too much, too confusing, and that one of us was gonna do something the screw it up! but i prayed to god that it wouldnt be you j! and i NEVER wouldve thought itd be this soon. but i guess thats for the best right?"

"no! no its not- fuck. mama listen i didnt kiss her back! okay?! she was trynna feel up on me and talking about the island and shit and i tried to blow her off but she just-"

oh my god im seeing red.

i dont know whats true. i saw what i saw. i saw them kissing, and his body language didnt seem to convey that he didnt wanna be kissed. but maybe i saw it wrong? could i have? no. theres no way.

a good girlfriend would believe him, but isnt that just naive of me? what if he didnt want do this... i dont know. i dont know, theres no way. this is exactly what i was afraid of.

"jj dont start- i dont wanna hear it right now. i cant. i just cant. im done! im fucking going home. have fun with your little blonde!"

he goes and reaches for my arm trying to keep me close, letting out an exasperated sigh. "how are you getting home?"

"thats all youve gotta say right now? un fucking believable. ill walk home for all i care j but you need to let go of me right now."

"youre not fucking walking home y/n-"

"yes i am," i yank my arm from his grasp "and dont you dare follow me jj. im not afraid to have this fight right now but trust you dont want that. because you will stay single."

god i really wish i hadnt said that.

and with that i walk away without looking back. because i just cant help making things worse, its what i do best. i can already hear all the rest of the pogues running up to him with all these questions and i have no fucks left to give about it.

if he doesnt wanna answer them he can go back to the blonde girl. i wont be surprised.

what i am surprised about is to have john b run up behind me, turning me to face him gently.

"hey- um youve been drinking i dont really think you should walk home alone," john b, always playing hero.

"ill be fine jb. really. go back to sarah and jj ill be fine."

"you keep saying youll be fine but you look like youre about to cry."

damn. am i? i reach up to touch my face and feel a small trickle fall from the corner of my eye.

"look i wont bombard you right now just- let me walk you home? please? make sure youre safe?" i cant lie, itd be nice to know someone gives a damn about me right now.

"thanks john b... thats actually really nice of you," i wipe my tears away and sniff away the cracks in my voice.

how could i be so stupid? i dont do stuff like this. ever. and i just let it happen.

but i'm not wrong am? it cant be a total coincidence that i specifically brought this up with him and this is how it ends?

"... so... you and jj?"

"i thought you werent gonna bombard me?"

he throws his hands up in surrender "its only one question."

i sigh, throwing in the towel because one, hes my friend and he deserves to know. i shouldnt have lied to any of them. and two, it would feel nice to get some of this off my chest. "yea. me and jj. for about a month now.."

"a month??"

i send him daggers with my eyes warning him this is not the time as we walk down the dirt road that leads home to the chataeu.

"sorry- youre right. i wont bug you about it yet."

"yet," i let out a laugh that sounds bitchier than i meant it to be, "im sorry we didnt say anything... i was kind of afraid of this exact thing happening. wanted to keep it low key."

"i get it..." he leads me up to the door where he pauses for a minute. "but y/n/n, for what its worth i think you should hear him out. jj has done a lot of things, but cheating on you? thatd never be one of them."

i open the screen door taking off my flip flops as he speaks, unsure of how to take his suggestion.

"youre a really good friend john b. honest. but i need a little space from all of the jj talk right now. tell sarah im sorry i stole you from the party. have fun."

he nods understandingly, watching me flop onto the couch before walking back down the road.

i stare up at the ceiling thinking about how everything went so wrong so fast until sleep takes over.

[radiation]

Ok here are my brief thoughts on Mouthwashing. SPOILERS WARNING And mostly negative sorry. Lots of things i liked but i think most ppl have said that stuff already so i wont repeat it

Loved the art direction, really loved the dialogue, I enjoyed the game a lot in the first half. Unfortunately towards the halfway point where it began leaning further into the horror game shit it really started losing me. The gameplay segments where you get chased around by something or other were seriously just horrendously, horrendously badly designed and a lot of the puzzles felt repetitive or inscrutable (Altho keep in mind I'm terrible at solving puzzles/finding shit in video games. When people talk about "yellow paint" I'm 100% who that shit is for)

It wasnt just the gameplay though, I also just wasn't a huge fan of the metaphorical / scary visuals / out-of-body experience stuff. I felt it slowed down the pace of events and put a barrier between me and the reality of the story being told. It rarely communicated new plot points and ideas and mostly restated information I'd already received verbally in an abstract way. Yes they were visually stunning, very technically impressive, and a few felt genuinely novel and well-placed (the reveal of the mouthwash ad on the TV fucking ruled), but I feel like for the most part those moments were almost obligatorily following modern indie horror game trends. I understand the point of that kind of stuff and it definitely can be effective, but idk i see it so much Im just personally very tired of it unless it really justifies its own existence, and in this case i unfortunately felt it didnt

I also didnt find the sort of "twist" with the main character very compelling and the more extreme his actions became the more I became disappointed. Like once you start getting a guy feeding another dude his own leg at a table with a bunch of dead ppl set on chairs with party hats on (even if its intended to be metaphorical) you have killed my suspension of disbelief. Especially since the character work at the beginning of the game felt a lot more grounded it was just like really. I get its horror but thats trite as fuck sorry.

A lot of this comes down to personal preference but if it were me Id have pared down the gameplay so its more towards the visual novel direction and made the scenario and character behaviors toward the end more grounded/real world so the horror comes more from the Real Fucked Up And Horrible Shit That Is Actually Happening, not the abstraction of it. I really found the character dialogue so much more compelling, original, and better at communicating ideas than the metaphorical visuals, so just own that instead. Like i personally wouldnt have had much of this stuff or any at all but again, definitely personal preference, so if it we're going middle ground -- horror visuals can still exist in some form, but i think would be better as a backdrop that fades in and out rather than being something that, in order to experience, you have to totally disengage with the story at hand for long stretches

Another thing I felt and like, sorry this is pretty mean, but as much as people praise the story it really isn't doing much of anything new or different. It's largely well-executed, but as far as sci-fi and horror goes, it's really quite generic. A well-put together combination of a handful of movies and games and whatnot, but rarely much more than the sum of its parts. The moments where it went beyond that were in the very real-life themes and the character work, which again got lost little by little due to its increasing insistence on being an indie horror game. The point for me isn't that everything has to be totally original and not at all contrived, like familiar ideas being well executed can be really really powerful, its more that with all the issues there were i didnt feel the story was strong enough to completely redeem it

Also slowly dawned on me that Anya is pretty much just shelley duvall and it started bothering me like i couldnt stop seeing it

+ I found the writing kind of misogynist. Anya isnt a bad character but if you look at all the individual points of her character its like wow you had to have the singular woman in the cast have literally all of those traits and all of those things happen to her? Its very like 1980s male auteur movie director type shit. And if the shelley duvall thing wasnt a total coincidence that like, especially does not put a good taste in my mouth

Also Swansea fucking rules best character eva

[trohpi]

rating regulus black ships!!

jegulus | 11/10 - i love them so much. when i rejoined the fandom in 2022 and saw how the ship had blown up in the years id been gone i was really confused, but then i read just lovers and was immediately convinced lmao. they are the epitome of sunshine x grumpy and i adore them both

bartylus | 5/10 - theyre not very compelling to me, but theyre not bad by any means. i think they work better as friends but i understand why people ship them. i just prefer other ships personally, but ive read many great fics with them too!

jegulily | 20/10 - im obsessed with them. i love regulus, james, and lily separately, but together they balance each other out. plus it helps that its a combination of my two most favorite monoamorous ships (jegulus and regulily), like whats not to like? theyre definitely a top tier ship

moonwater | 10/10 - they are so cute and so overhated! theres so much potential here, like they could be friends to lovers or enemies to lovers or rivals to lovers, basically any trope you can think of lol. and think of the angst! the drama! i love them dearly

regulily | 1000/10 - yall already know how i feel about these two! they are literal soulmates and i love them to bits. their personalities mesh so well and, this might be a controversial take, but they make more canonical sense than jegulus does imo (not that canon really matters in this fandom lmao). i could wax literal poetry about this ship i love them so much

rosewater | 6/10 - i have other ships i prefer for both of them but theyre still cute and i can see why people ship them. honestly its a similar situation to bartylus, except they intrigue me just the slightest bit more lol

regumary | 4/10 - im sorry i just cant see this ship. i can see their relationship being platonic but not romantic. i also think mary is a lesbian, which doesnt really mean much considering i also love the trans girl regulus headcanon, but most of the time when i see this ship its very cishet and just not my thing. sorry yall!

regdora | 2/10 - i just cant see this ship either. its not bad necessarily, i just see the relationship between regulus and pandora as that of a sibling relationship. no hate to people who ship them, its just not for me lol

rosestarkillerchaser | 6/10 - i understand why people ship them, its combining three popular ships (jegulus, bartylus, and rosekiller), but im sorry i just cannot see james dating barty and evan. im not hating on people who ship them and its not bad by any means (i like them more than most other ships involving evan & barty) i just dont actively ship them. ive read some good fics tho!

rosestarkiller | 5/10 - similar situation to bartylus yet again, its just not compelling to me. i think regulus works better with evan & barty as his friends rather than lovers which you can probably tell given my other ratings lol

blackeclipse | 10/10 - ooooo i love them. all the best aspects of jegulus, moonchaser, and moonwater in one, its elite. james brings the buoyancy that regulus & remus need while regulus & remus help keep him tethered. they work so well together and i love them all dearly

xenoreg | 8/10 - a crackship ive come to enjoy recently! definitely a weird x weirder kind of ship which is the best. oh to be a fly on the wall of the slytherin common room when regulus told barty, evan, and dorcas that he was dating xenophilius lestrange, ravenclaws resident conspiracy theorist (pandora, of course, would have been overjoyed to have someone to trade ideas with)

regulene | 7/10 - they intrigue me tbh, like marlenes brashness and regulus’ coldness contrast in just the right ways. theyre like fire and water and i love that. plus the potential for a quidditch rivalry is phenomenal, especially considering that they could both be the seekers for their respective teams. theyre kinda similar to dorlene imo

regulilylene | 9/10 - im gonna be honest here i think i made this ship up, but i really like their dynamic. marlene and regulus are on the opposite extremes of hot and cold and lilys right there in the middle to keep them grounded, she evens them out

[theicarusconstellation]

Hi, ok hear me out. An arcane AU with marauders characters. Black brothers angst, etc.

(Just an Idea don’t feel pressured to write anything at all I just really love your style of writing and if anyone was to write an arcane au, I would want it to be you that’s all ily bye bye now)

NO I LOVE THIS SO MUCH YES

i actually have an arcane au just for me that’s centered around regulus and mariela (my oc jegulus’ daughter) with mariela as jinx and regulus in silco’s position. it’s mariela’s pov so i won’t be publishing it or anything since it’s just a silly OC story, but god it’s. So important to me.

in terms of what i would publish though🤭regulus as jinx has always been so deeply felt as Canon in my heart and soul. like. oh the youngest sibling curse is REAL and the thought of him being Haunted his entire life, alone and abandoned, raised to be more weapon than person OH I JUST AHHHHH GNAWING AT THE BARS OF MY ENCLOSURE.

plus we all know i’m a slut for transmasc genderfluid regulus, so imagine a pre-transition regulus in powder’s position, and then once he reunites with sirius (who’s in vi’s position — bro gets falsely locked up in every universe lmao), there’s a whole other layer to the “refusing to call jinx by her new name” thing because regulus is trans!! he’s trans and it’s Not Who Sirius Remembers and it just furthers regulus’ mentality that he’ll never be accepted as he is.

OH AND IMAGINE THE BLACK BROTHERS ANGST AT THE DINNER SCENE.

“i thought…maybe you could love me like you used to. even though im…different…”

AND SIRIUS. DOESNT. RESPOND. LIKE??????????

i’m not sure whether i’d want to play into the exact dynamic of jinx and silco, in which case i’d have bellatrix be in silco’s position, if i’d want to play into the softer parts, in which case i’d have narcissa be in silco’s position, or if i’d want to play into the fully toxic and manipulative parts, in which case i’d have tom riddle be in silco’s position.

and okay hear me out: pandora as viktor. LITERALLY OPENING PANDORA’S BOX HELLO!!!!!!!! pandora as viktor, and i can’t decide who would be jayce, but im thinking maybe barty?? the Diplomat’s Son dabbling in forbidden sciences only to discover something genius (mr twelve O.W.L.s over here).

with mel (side note she looks so good in season two promos im SWOONING) i could see her being lily or dorcas. i’ve wanted to write bartylily for a while but never got the chance to, so lily in mel’s position would be the perfect opportunity for their twisted little dynamic, but dorcas’ slytherin cunning up there running the council?? that’s also just. too good to pass up yk??

i’d probably combine elements of both lux and ekko for james’ character. i’m a lightcannon girlie through and through, but for this fic id defo make an exception for jegulus <3 KISSING ON HOVERBOARDS YES PLEASE <3

but yeah a regulus-centric arcane au has been On The Brain since i first watched the show. just. the dinner scene plays over and over in my head, and i just think, what if that was regulus? what would she do? who would be his silco? it’s absolutely a concept i intend to write, hopefully sooner rather than later.

also “if anyone was to write an arcane au id want it to be you” is probably one of the most flattering things anyone has ever said to me thank you so much??😭

[delululand]

who send that txt’s red and green flags? u r a godsent! id like to add something on red flags since we all know the members are waving green flags 🤭

sb - i think one of his red flags would be fickleness? idk if i would be able to explain it well but he mentioned before that he hates being adult because of responsibilities. based on that, i can see him expressing his feelings toward the other person but then suddenly backing out because he suddenly feels overwhelmed with the thought of responsibilities that comes with relationship. he likes the person but he might be indecisive on whether he is ready to commit or not. (Not saying this is really him but just a possibility based on what ive observed with those type of ppl)

yj - fixer. sometimes he might be too focused on fixing whatever he thinks need fixing on his partner and that can be really annoying. while his moon in libra and mars in sagittarius might help him be ‘chill’.. that leo and virgo combination is no joke.

bg -u’ve said it right. it is his pettiness that can be a red flag. also the lack of communication with manipulative tendencies! if he’s the wrong one, he will have no trouble apologizing. he’s nice that way. but if his partner is the wrong one? yea good luck. he’d disappear and will make sure to make them feel guilty for it until they’re on their knees— 😶

tyun - im inlove with him so much im willing to ignore 🚩.. kidding! look, i’ve seen his chart and a lot of his personal planets r making aspect to his sun which made me think that his ego (sun) plays a huge role in his life and will definitely be one of his red flag. rn we see tyun mature side right? but i feel like anything that will hit his ego so hard can make the vicious side of him come out. his aries mars makes him easily reactive to those things. when he’s triggered, the only way to calm him down is to leave him alone.

hyuka - low self-esteem. among the members, he’s the one with a really low self esteem (all of them have but his goes deeper) im not gonna explain much other than it’s not really pleasant with these type of ppl. u gotta be strong or else they’ll drag u down with them. he’s a leo.. a leo with a healthy self esteem r the best and i know that hyuka will eventually get there.

that’s all. i dont think im able to explain my thoughts well😭 but lemme know what u think?

+ anyways i truly miss reading ur posts! and saw that enhypen’s post too! i love it!! would it possible to request one for txt too? thank u 😄

- ur fellow intp 💙

OMGGGG I WANNA SAY SO MUCH

first i love your mind soooo much, second you’re so good in astrology

i absolutely agree with your opinion about soobin, this is one of the things that I thought about but couldn’t articulate it. in my opinion he is quite mature and he is the leader of the group which makes him mature even more, but it seems like that is enough for him? like, on the one hand, it’s not that he’s not mature for a relationship, but rather he’s just not ready to take responsibility yet. + he said that he is not the kind of person who would lead a relationship or plan something and therefore would just agree with everything that his girlfriend wants, but this is also literally an abdication of responsibility to some extent. so, in my opinion, he either doesn’t want to take on extra responsibility because he’s tired of responsibility at work, or he’s not ready for it due to his young age, or he’s just that kind of person (but actually i think it affects everything together and may change with age, like i don’t think that he will be a person who will become a super leader in a relationship, but at least he will be okay with the responsibility that comes with the appearance of a relationship)

yeonjun yes and beomgyu absolutely yes. if he has a fight with his partner and the partner says something offensive to him, they won’t get away with just an apology, and for some reason i think that if it really hurt him, he would remember it every time in all next fights. and also sometimes he likes to do something like checks? like that time when he blocked taehyun to see if he would come to wish him a happy birthday

taehyun yes too and + soobin said that taehyun often gets offended that he doesn’t share his feelings and this can also be in some ways a red flag for people who have difficulty sharing feelings or who just don’t like it

speaking of kai, i understood what you mean and this is really true, but it is in him that it manifests itself as not being so burdensome for other people? like i mean my work in korea was partly related to this area and i could see and sometimes communicate with different musicians/actors/dancers and other media personas and one of the most surprising things is when you look at them you think “wow this person is so cool, they are beautiful, they are smart, they are interesting personas, they have good singing/dancing/whatever skills” but when communicating with these people, most of them have very low self-esteem but they don’t seem to focus on it. i don’t know how to explain this more correctly, but it’s like the difference between people who due to low self-esteem really pull people around them to the bottom and people for whom it’s like something background that you might not even recognize right away. but idk whatever i hope kai can handle with this and it seems he has already changed for the better

and thank you so much for writing this!!! if you don’t mind i’ll leave a link to this in main post, people should see this too!

[mihai-florescu]

Not sure who battler it's probably a mahoyaku person but to my Enstars exclusive educated brain battler just sounds like the third part of the godfather trinity. You could tell me the himeru story revealed a guy called battler and I'd be on board. Godfather, Priest and Battler and with their powers combined they can...idk be the idol mafia or something. The aristocracy the clerus and the common man. Gatekeeper also exists but I don't count him in their leagues gatekeeper is like the pearl to godfathers rose quartz I think (I have never even touched Steven universe beyond one video essay five years ago and some memes I have no idea if that actually adds up)

GATEKEEPER IS THE PEARL TO GODFATHER'S ROSE QUARTZ........... do you think godfather reincarnated into ibara like rose quartz into steven....

Anyway battler is from umineko! He's kinda like himeru (ran away when his dad remarried after his mom's death) and currently stuck in an eternal torturous game of wits murder mystery with a witch. Im just on episode 2 but the spoilers ive heard... i dont even know how we'll get there. Oh right! Idk if u saw my posts a few weeks ago but akira definitely played umineko. There was a random discussion in an earlier chapter that was just like wataru's monologue about girls vs guys at puberty in Rocket Start. And Raison d'etre as a whole is sooo much like umineko. Eccentric grandparent's fortune, the fear that an illegitimate child came to take the inheritance away, the blonde woman from the past... which in peepaw's case was them in their youth rather than a witch, but still. Etcetc im too tired but im sure there was more im forgetting now. Id like to go over that story again after finishing umineko, im sure it'll feel insightful to do so.

[aurienneirua]

trying to think about how aurien would take castor’s death since i haven’t really articulated it quite yet . .

i think ill be using how blue diamond from steven universe take’s pink’s death as a bit of an projection onto aurien and inspiration !

well, ill start on how aurien was with solei’s disappearance . since me and @billwasnot actually discussed this before, i feel like i can articulate and word this much more then i usually do . ill also limit how long this is since that’s probably for a whole nother post .

( edit after finishing : wow im a really bad liar )

to put it into simple and hopefully straightforward words, aurien did not process solei’s disappearance at first, and her feelings about it in extension .

when they finally started to bubble up, she shoved them down . they poison parts of her in response, and she’s stuck in a cage and cycle of grief, slowly shutting down mentally and emotionally . even when she and solei reunite, she still has them shoved down .

now, finally onto cas !

for him mainly, id say she feels empty after his death .

she falls into a prolonged period of time where she either feels just . . empty, or all she can feel is pain and grief .

although she openly expresses her emotions now and doesn’t shove them away, she instead wallows in them, refusing to move on because she just doesn’t want to .

the words im referring to starting at 1 : 07 and ending on 1 : 16 being :

“ im sorry . im so sorry . i should have done more . ————— says it will all be over soon . i wonder what you would think . “

also think blue’s tone matches her exactly as well lol . quiet and low .

the words “ im sorry . im so sorry . “ transferring onto aurien in the way of how she knows she failed to save him, and “ i should have done more . “ being how she wishes that she could have, and regrets greatly how in the end, she did not .

also gonna put down some lyrics from what’s the use of feeling blue as well since that can also fit auri . .

“ why would you want to be here ? / what do you ever see here ? / that doesn’t make you feel worse then you do ? / and tell me, what’s the use of feeling, ( blue ) ? /

oh, how can you stand to be here with it all ? ( here with it all ) / drowning in all this regret ? / wouldn’t you rather forget ( him ) ? /

start looking forward and stop looking back, oh “

( formatting style originally by @sotogalmo ! )

ok, first, “ why would you want to be here ? / what do you ever see here ? / that doesn’t make you feel worse then you do ? / and tell me, what’s the use of feeling, ( blue ) ? / “ would probably be about her extreme unwillingness to move on ? and maybe also how as a result, she only feels worse and worse, inflicting pain upon herself because she feels she deserves it .

secondly and lastly, “ oh, how can you stand to be here with it all ? ( here with it all ) / drowning in all this regret ? / “ this one’s a more clear one for me . . she definitely is drowning in regret . another possible thing would be that the lyrics “ how can you stand to be here with it all ? “ can maybe be her actually asking herself that . .

how can she still stand here— why is she still here with everything that’s been going on ? she’s not special . so many people matter so much more then her . why does she live ?

anyways, i wrap it up here . . partly because i don’t think i have anything else to say, this post is already getting long, and im pretty disappointed about how this came out .

i came in with a clear mindset, ( which normally helps a lot when im trying to write things like this ) but it got muddled pretty easily . although i want to take more time on this, im not really patient with myself, and ive been having a lot of trouble wording things lately .

i don’t know how long it’ll take to “ word this right “, but i know it’ll be long combined with some other factors . I think I’ll maybe come back to update or expand on this though . . anyways, any thoughts about my depressed pookie aurien ?

( castor : @bluemoonscape )

( side note : lolol id love to hear your and possibly cas’s ( if he were still alive COUGH ) on this ! also i already have a little au in my head where auri and solei save cas . . and auri shoots and shatters a screen displaying kyo that was distracting cas mizi all in style . . may i know how he would react to this and hold up if they did save him . .

[trans-axolotl]

(Apologies this is long and rambley)

So ive been thinking on a peer-made trait-based 'diagnostic model' (not for disorders but neurodiverse traits), rather than the way the DSM and ICD do it and what that would look like and if it would be a good idea to propose as an alternative that focuses the patients unique experiences over theorized model boxes with misleading names.

Ive been growing increasingly discontent with how the ICD and DSM both categorize disorders, and the completed alternate models ive seen that already exist are not much better honestly, and worse for my specific brainfuckery. The alternate models that only focus on one section are just that- focused on one specific experience. Monotropisim as an alternate autism model can never be fully realized in the bubble it exists as a theory in. Plurality has like 50 different theory models and half of them aggressively ignore common reported experiences because they don't work with their unverified personal gnosis theory of everything, and the other half are likewise mostly incomplete. Trauma/cause-based models ignore genetic/from birth issues as a known cause of mental illness/developmental disorder and also consider everything trauma to the point of diluting the term.

I figured the best option would be to group traits by perceived experiences or related phenomena, with overlap, and the best way to do that accurately would be to make the 'diagnostic codes' combinable infinitely. (ex- a category that is 'unusual sensory experiences' with synthesia, hypo and hyper sensitivity to stimuli, needing to regulate with the sensory system (stimming) to high degrees, hallucinations of any kind, voice hearing(would also go under the plural category when consistent and personlike in presentation), visual snow, etc and each trait is a unique string of characters you can stack under the category string to create a larger string that describes your experiences quickly and concisely).

(The groupings are still all up in the air and id want to get a lot of perspective before cementing it, but I do want to put synthesia and hallucinations and visual snow all together because they are adding a Weird experience and its sensory based stuff others cannot perceive)

And then I realized that this is just the Geek Code but for neurodiversity,,

Im STILL not sure if that makes it a bad idea or not honestly.

On one hand the way the DSM and ICD are set up is NOT actually that great, and being able to shorthand a list that describes things better and doesnt pathologize people as having 'asshole liar personality disorder' or whatever would be fantastic, on the other it is also clunky, people are gonna be pissed about how I am categorizing things contrary to how the DSM and ICD group things (autism and schizophrenia and plurality are all holding hands and kissing with tongue), and it may more strongly encourage people to share very private information online via sharing their string code of every last neuroweirdness they have (which I do NOT want people doing for safety reasons).

So I just went 'hm, whos a cool antipsych person who may have more insight than I do about trying to make a peer-made description system for those who dont want to use the DSM or ICD to describe their experiences', and I thought of you, so thoughts? Is it feasible? Is it a good idea to try? I have like 500 million projects and I REALLY shouldnt add a new one of this magnitude, but I feel like its an important idea to at least float around first.

Hey anon! My answer got pretty long, so I'm going to put it under the read more.

I actually know a few people doing something like this--the founding director of Neuromancers started a project like this (not much has been happening with it lately, bc everyone is so busy with other organizing commitments and life, but if we ever get back to it i'm really excited about it. you could join the discord for Neuromancers and ask about the project if you want to join). I'm a known DSM hater and think that both the DSM and ICD and most biomedical models of mental illness as well as the "evidence based" processes of diagnosis are so fundamentally flawed, oppressive, and are in no way culturally relevant to the vast majority of people. a lot of us are still going to use that terminology as a shorthand because it's the most accessible and understandable in our current society, but that doesn't necessarily mean we all like it or agree with the way it's formulated in the DSM.

Honestly, I'm always a big fan of mad/mentally ill/neurodivergent people creating more ways of understanding ourselves and creating more resources for us to use. I think that there's never going to be one right model that works for every experience or than can encompass everyone. And I think that there's so much value in really deconstructing and dismantling the DSM--understanding exactly how disorders are currently categorized, the evidence behind it, the lack of evidence behind it, what clinicians and researchers are saying about these diagnoses, how we actually experience these diagnoses in practice, how diagnoses change through history, things like that. It can be super crucial to build our own understandings of just how these diagnoses were shaped in the first place so that we can understand what it would mean to dismantle and build alternative models that feel more affirming for us. I think your idea of trying to group more by traits rather than strict disorder criteria is something that might resonate with a lot of people!

that being said, i think that it is such a large and difficult project and also something that is almost impossible to make universal--there are so many factors going into everyone's experience with madness/mental illness/neurodivergence, and different labels are going to resonate with different people for different reasons. it's hard to predict what language or models will catch on with different people, and not all types of language or models are accessible to everyone. i guess for me i just think it can be helpful to go into projects like this without the expectations that this will necessarily be able to replace the DSM for everyone, and instead thinking more about how this can be a valuable tool for providing more options and ways of thinking about madness/mental illness/neurodivergence! even if it doesn't work for everyone or is only applicable to certain types of traits and variations, i think that this type of creation of knowledge is so, so valuable. i hope that makes sense!

some other related concepts that your ask reminded me of was @bioethicists principles of liberatory antipsychiatry. Charlie identifies the right to your own explanatory model as a key principle of liberatory antipsychiatry, and that liberatory antipsychiatry should affirm and build upon those individual models, and respect that as a way of healing. I think that's a really important insight, and to me makes a lot of sense. We all have the right to draw from our own experiences + minds, as well as use existing knowledge, science, and disability community experience in order to create alterative labels, models, and frameworks for our madness/mental illness/neurodivergence. I honestly feel like I've created my own hyperspecific model of madness for my own bodymind, and that framework has been super helpful for figuring out how to live with my madness. Idk how helpful it would be for anyone who isn't me, but having my own particular explanatory model was crucial for helping me heal.

It also reminds me of the way this really amazing peer support network for people living with schizophrenia in Japan called Bethel House, who developed a framework for radical peer support and healing. This article talks about the concept of tōjisha-kenkyū, which in English would get translated as something like "self directed diagnosis" or maybe "political education," and it seems kind of similiar to English concepts about self diagnosis.

"Self-reflection is at the heart of this practice. Tōjisha-kenkyū incorporates various forms of reflection developed in clinical methods, such as social skills training and cognitive behavioural therapy, but the reflections of a tōjisha don’t begin and end at the individual. Instead, self-reflection is always shared, becoming a form of knowledge that can be communally reflected upon and improved. At Bethel House, members found it liberating that they could define themselves as ‘producers’ of a new form of knowledge, just like the doctors and scientists who diagnosed and studied them in hospital wards. The experiential knowledge of Bethel members now forms the basis of an open and shared public domain of collective knowledge about mental health, one distributed through books, newspaper articles, documentaries and social media." (Japan's radical alternative to psychiatric diagnosis, Satsuki Ayayais and Junko Kitanaka, ).

Anyway, thought I'd share those things to sort of point you in the direction of other people thinking about madness outside of the DSM. if you end up doing any more thought or creation for this idea, def feel free to share with me! I love seeing all the ways people take apart the DSM and build our own knowledge, and would love to keep updated.

best of luck, anon!

[walnutcookie]

hello there!! found you a few minutes ago, yes, but I have already fallen in love with your tsp x crob au

may I ask for more on roguefort specifically? they are my favourite out of the bunch and I do find them to be very interesting and your au version of them is also very intriguing to me. I hope you are having a relatively alright day, feel free to answe this whenever you want.

AWW THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! ive had a pretty good day so far, just a bit tired right now, so i hope this is somewhat comprehensible GHGZJDBF

hmmm ,,, im not really sure what else to say since i said most of it in the other post, i may be repeating myself but im just gonna talk abt them GSHDBFJ

Id say that theyre probably storykeepers favorite stanley. she is very annoyed when walnut keeps getting off track and cappu refuses to do anything she asks him to do (and soon becomes plain bored of almond because he does things right too often) but roquefort? what a specimen!

they dont disobey out of curiosity or out of spite, they just,,, do things. Storykeeper wants to study them under a microscope. they always manage to be completely unpredictable. absolutely no pattern in their behavior. Theyll take the first few doors, then take a turn, and then find another way that they werent even meant to be able to go ?

(also i should add that theres not a specific amount of "endings" the stanleys can get in this au, its kind of just. Do whatever they want. storykeeper creates new rooms and scenarios for them that arent from the game and theyre able to do things that you cant usually do in tsp because if it was just them doing all the regular endings it wouldnt be as fun‼️ they can make the same choices but they can also do much more than that :] )

SPEAKING OF WHICH. i think that storykeeper does that a lot. Create new rooms and such just to see what roque will do. What option they will choose, or rather what unintended option :]c Will they do nothing? will they somehow do a combination of everything? Who knows!!!!!

although. Roque likes to act confident and smug but they are NOT. they are very uneasy being in this office, having everything loop over and over, being observed and used as a little plaything and a source of entertainment. They physically cannot protest but if they could they would not. theyre just filled with this increasing dread ESPECIALLY when that fucking bucket comes around. when it wont stop FOLLOWING THEM‼️‼️ that bucket. oohhhh that bucket. its stalking them its lurking in the shadows its listening behind every door, watching, watching their every move.... (storykeeper keeps moving it and then playing dumb because its funny to watch them silently freak out. Or does she ?)

[renarots]

🏎️💨 THE FORMULA 1 TAG GAME! 🏎️💨:

tagged by @solaireverie

thanks pookie <3

1. Who or what got you into F1?

i grew up in a pretty big nascar family, my family would put it on the tv instead of watching the kids and natural progression i fell in love with motorsports. i do think a combination of seeing the tooned cartoon and me being fascinated by the engineering in the cars dragged me fully into f1.

2. Who was the very first F1 driver you supported? Do you support them now? Have your opinions on them differed or stayed the same since then?

for me it was fernando alonso and jenson button. although jenson is retired i still watch him in his other series like nascar. i still support fernando as well although i feel like it passed the torch on to lando when he was the reserve for mclaren and then later took the seat at mclaren. if you cant tell im a huge mclaren girl.

3. Who’s your current favourite F1 driver?

lando norris and yuki tsunoda, cant pick one but yeah theyre my ultimate pookies 🫶

4. Is there a driver pairing or pairings you support? What made you attracted to that pairing in the first place?

my biggest driver pairing right now is lando and oscar, i think their pairing is what lando needed and what oscar needed and theyve already shown they push eachother so i cant wait for this season. my ultimate that i think about is fernando and mark tho, theyre my roman empire. from them always misisng eachother as teammates and then the infamous abu dhabi 2010. i could go on an essay about them (as a treat i also love nando and jenson)

5. Do your parents, siblings or relatives have a favourite driver?

no but i did get my friends and their cats into it. one of them is a ferrari fan and the other is a mclaren girl more leaning towards op81 but im gonna make her an ln4 girl soon. her cats are both mclaren cats but one only loves lando, she legit gets disinterested when someone else is on screen. one time she literally followed landos car off screen and my friend didnt even know that was lando so she was surprised her cat caught on to him.

6. Do you have any favourite races? Are there any that stand out to you the most?

i know i mentioned it before but abu dhabi 2010 is definitely one i watch a lot. 2020 austrian gp as well, even tho lando got the podium cause of disqualification it still holds a special place in my heart. Runner ups are silverstone 2023 and Abu Dhabi 2023 where pookies lead the race for a period of time.

7. Do you have a favourite circuit? Can be from the past or from the current calendar.

singapore is lovely, silverstone because of this year with lando leading the gp just really put it up there, and i think interlagos always has me excited, even if mclaren has a bad track record with it (please get your shit together for quali guys)

8. Have you ever been to an F1 race in real life? Feel free to tell us your experience going to one if you like.

ive never been to one theyre too expensive in america to go to one but i have been to a couple nascar races and those were so lovely. im hoping to take my friends and i to the suzuka gp next year tho (its so much cheaper please f1 sort your shitty pricing please)

9. Have you ever met an F1 driver in real life?

no and id rather melt into the floor than meet one

10. Do you have a favourite F1 car? If so, what is it?

i think the rb19 (rocky) has to be my fave rn if you asked me a year ago i would say otherwise but from an engineering standpoint rocky is the most beautiful piece of machinery ive laid my eyes on (excluding my beautiful b&m rollercoasters of course (my first love fr))

11. Do you have a favourite one win wonder?

not really tbh

12. Do you have any favourite quotes from the F1 world? This can either be inspirational or hilarious.

"i nearly said i wouldnt want to be married to him but obviously i- im happily married to a lady but" -mark webber (🫵🏳️‍🌈❓)

"who is the blind guy in the alpha tauri?" -fernando alonso (even tho it was against yuki it was so funny from this years radios)

"soy lago" -lando norris (i miss carlando guys)

"fernando is faster than you" -rob smedley

realised thats a lot of fernando related quotes but oh well 🤷‍♀️

🏷️ <3

@dumbf1sketches @formulafics @disneyprincemuke @lovewithmary @piasstrisblog @bekaillustrates @honeyhobbs and anyone who would like to participate

[kaleidoscopic-quiddity]

ok wait now i wanna talk abt weird/interesting things from my experience getting top surgery. ive seen other ppl talk abt some of these things b4 but not all of em

i thought my surgeon was gonna do the incision, like, underneath the curve of my tiddies?? he ended up kinda slicing thru the middle of them, so my scars run over the middle of my pecs, not underneath them

speaking of; ig my pecs are more developed than i thought since my chest isnt like perfectly flat but rather both my pecs have a layer of fat/flesh on them and i can feel the muscle underneath

also the dip/space inbetween from when i had tiddies looks p much exactly the same, my surgeon said sometimes it ends up buldging out and a revision is needed but thankfully that didnt happen to me

the discharge nurse let me know afterwards that my tits were 11 kilograms (right 6kg and left 5kg) like no fucking wonder i have back pain at the tender age of 19

so yknow how pain raises ur body temp and makes u sweat?? immediately upon waking up i was so warm and damp i told a nurse id soiled myself and needed a change of underwear, i hadnt! i was just really fucking sweaty lol

i also threw up twice after waking up (fortunately into containers both times), turns out anesthetic doesnt agree w/ me, also it was like a dark bottle green?? since id been fasting from the night b4 ig i was bringing up nothing but bile

pre-surgery they cldnt get the IV in my left hand and had to switch to my right and ig that made my heart rate pick up bc one of the asistants immediately came by my head and talked to me to calm me down, he was rlly nice :)

im p sure i conked out within seconds of them getting the IV in and starting up the anesthetic too, none of that 'count back from 10' shit, i took like 2 and a half deep breathes and was OUT

from a combination of the iodine and natural swelling/bruising my chest looked REALLY yellow for like 3 weeks after surgery

i got sent home the same day i got my surgery, they keep some ppl over night if theres complications but apparantly i was all good to go after resting in the post-op ward for few hours

speaking of, i woke up, puked, got some water, dicked around on tumblr, called my mum, took an 'i lived bitch' selfie, slept for a few hours, woke up, went on tumblr again, got dressed w/ some help from a nurse, pissed (by myself, woo!), and then got discharged

my scars are uneven! my left incision goes further under my armpit than my right one, and my scars vary in thickness, it actually looks kinda like ive got two scars on my left side bc it thins out so much in the middle for a few milimeters

my nipples are also a lil uneven and they ended up puckering up as they healed so i kinda looks like ive always got stiff nips oops, also theyre more brown than pink

apparantly that might be bc they took the nipple graft from my areaola bc they werent able to graft the actual nipple, idk ¯_(ツ)_/¯, obvi it doesnt look perfectly like a cis guy's nipples but i knew the chances of achieving that were relatively small + p dependent on how i healed so like im not too bothered by it

my surgeon used dissolvable stitches and one of em ended up poking out thru my scar a lil b4 it disolved, which was weird

showering w/ a plastic sandwich bag duct taped to ur chest so u dont get ur scars and nips wet is An Experience TM i'll tell u that

my scars stretched!! it happens!! esp if u raise ur arms, which u will inevitably have to do eventually, idk if they'll ever fade on their own or if i'll need scar revision treatment in the future but fortunately they didnt go keloid

my surgeon used what he called crosshatched stitching rather than drains so that saved me a lot of discomfort, i DID get a slight build up of like, i think around 40ish mls of fluid in my left side a few weeks after surgery, but my surgeon dealt w/ it by p much just poking it w/ a syringe and draining it out lol

which i didnt even feel him do at the time bc of the nerve damage lmao, which was weird asf since i could very much SEE him sticking the needle in but couldnt feel it at all

i regained my mobility like, straight away?? my surgeon said bc im young + relatively healthy it was likely that id bounce back from surgery quick but like,, i had none of the exhaustion, pain, or immobility ive seen ppl describe??

i couldnt lift my arms very high for a while obvi but like i was fine dressing myself and even washing my own hair if i just leaned over

having to sleep upright for a few weeks after surgery was v annoying since i usually rotate like a shawarma trying to find a comfy sleeping position

the post-op chest binder was sensory hell bc it was scratchy and it kept slipping down my back since it had no shoulder straps, also i accidentally bruised my ribs a lil bit by wearing it too tight oops, the fuckin relief i felt when they told me i cld stop wearing it

the post-op 'please wear these at all times so u dont get thrombosis' socks were p comfy tho, idk why they didnt cover my toes tho

regaining the sensation around ur scars is weird! my right side's been completely fine but ig bc my left scar is thicker + longer ive been getting some pain n tightness, its not a persistent issue or anything but its just kind weird bc ive never had any surgeries or major injuries to heal from before this one

u will have to get ur boobs felt up and examined probaby multiple times b4 surgery, this will feel very different from touching ur own boobs and, in my case, was ticklish??

my posture has improved somewhat since getting top surgey, what not having 11kg of weight hanging off ur chest and compressing it in towards ur ribs/spine for roughly 9 hours a day will do to a mf ig

[jounosparticles]

au where the hunting dogs disband and jouno and tecchou join the agency together (they both need some purpose, some sense of justice to act out and they don't know where else to go). tachihara returns and stays with the mafia, and brings teruko with him because they don't want to separate. i feel like she'd hate being a mafia agent (i know nothing about her, i haven't watched season 5 and i last saw 4 when it released) so maybe she just lives with tachi. i wonder what jouno and tecchou would do if they were on a mission to stop the mafia and encountered tachihara again....

sorry for the long ask btw i wanted to tell someone this and all my friends are asleep #heartbroken

also ill give myself a sign off because iv sent you like 3 asks atp but im too terrified to remove anon

- 🗡️ aka literally jouno again :3

DONT BE SORRY!!! i love getting asks this is so fun to me :) idk who u are but you seem cool and id always love to hear your ideas !!!

i also super recommend checking out season 5 whenever you can :)) call me biased because i am but i think it’s a great season :)

ANYWAY

first i’ll talk about teruko. i do not see her going into the mafia however i can her sticking with tachihara. i wonder if it would create some sort of tension or if they’d just let each other live? hmmm i’ll have to ponder that idea. i do 100% see tachihara going back into the mafia though, he found his place there.

jouno and tetchou joining the ada would be really fun i think. i could see maybe some tension due to what happened in the whole "dogs hunt dogs" episode, however since it was a misunderstanding i can see them being forgiven easily as well.

i feel like jouno would have a hard time adjusting. he has a low temper with tetchou i can just imagine how short he would be with some of the ada members. i could see him arguing with ranpo and dazai a lot. and possibly getting along with kunikida since he wouldn’t be an ass.

id like to see jouno and dazai talk normally though. their pasts parallel each other a good bit! i feel their conflicting morals would make them not particularly get along however it could make for some interesting interactions. i will go on about that in another post eventually

i feel like overall jouno would rather stick to tetchou as well as anyone who will treat him as a superior instead of the others.

as for tetchou. literally all i want is for him to mentor kenji. like they’re basically friends now, they’re similar in morals/principles, and are both very direct with everything they say/think. that combined with them having similar physical capabilities i could see tetchou training kenji well and taking on a mentor/older brother figure.

i also feel like kunikida would like tetchou. he’s very direct and i doubt he’s a disruption, they’d get along well.

in contrast i feel like junichiro would probably be intimidated by him. not sure why, just how i feel.

i also don’t think dazai would have much fun with him, since he probably isn’t easily bothered by the silly antics dazai likes to do.

unfortunately i don’t know how this would work if the hunting dogs require surgery to live still. jouno and tetchou would probably be fine since they’re still affiliated with law enforcement but tachihara would likely die. that’s a post for another time i suppose.

OH! and encountering tachihara. huge angst potential here that sounds really hard to do. i could see them trying to bring tachi back since he has proven himself to be good before? i don’t know if it would work but even tachi said before the hunting dogs weren’t bad either. he just needs a place to be himself

but anyways i really like this idea!!! i love imagining how the different characters would interact w/ each other :)

[taegularities]

heey! please dont take this the wrong way but im genuinely curious why do you feel so empty on tumblr🥺 i mean your stories have more than a thousand likes and theres so many people who are clearly huge fans of your work… whatever the reason is, i really hope you stay on tumblr for a long time because you are really the sweetest:) (not pressuring you though, you do whats best for you!) 🥰

hi, my love!! i didn't take it the wrong way <3 i can explain what i mean.. so, this time it's not as much about interaction bc everyone's been very sweet and talks to me despite holiday season! i still have more msgs than i can answer (keep it all coming tho pls hehe :P), so the issue this time is more just.. how empty tumblr is. i scroll through my dash once and am already at a post that was posted/rbd an hour ago bc nobody's around (ccs and readers alike!!).

so many of my mutuals have left tumblr and so many readers have, too (i miss you all sm btw sigh) and watching tumblr die has been so disheartening. it's gotten very dry? and then, and that's a me problem, i also get so damn insecure all the time. i keep feeling like im unwanted here and get vv scared talking to people, bc there was so much negativity and hate on here for the past year that i constantly think twice before approaching someone. i just hate overthinking like, "does xy hate me? should i rather not interact" lol which sucks bc i like talking to people so much and used to be the most social butterfly.

so the loneliness just comes from the overall desert-like feeling on here combined with my own fears that tumblr's better off without me. it's stupid 😞

also! idc about notes tbh! e.g. i enjoyed dropping cmi11 more bc it got more love than idk cmi9.5 despite getting less likes. sometimes the 'getting thousands of likes' is super cool but also the problem bc of the lack of reblogs etc. (like there's a big difference between e.g. cmi9 and cmi11, even in the comment section). the only thing i wanna say about interaction, though, is: whenever i do attendance checks before posting a chapter, a lot of ppl (and new names) comment that they're excited — id absolutely love it if you reacted to the actual drop, too bc that's often met by silence by those who are super thrilled at first 🥺 and taglist readers!! where are you guysss lol lmk if you read, too!! writing is such a difficult hobby to indulge in, so writers just want to feel like people see it and that their effort is appreciated, even if thousands of words meet just a paragraph of feedback — we still love it 🥺 that's all. atm i don't have more to say about interaction bc everyone's been the sweetest.

hope that clears things up... thank you for reaching out and telling me you want me around 🥺 you're so sweet, as well 🤍

[magnoliamyrrh]

tw sa tw in general idk this all just kinda hit me again ??

but??? yea and i remember now too?? that both of these were in incredibly strange contexts. first time i was on the highest dose of acid id ever been on, when i thought it was a much smaller dose. had probably the worst and most painful, traumatic trip i ever had. became very triggered and very scared, had some sort of horrid combination of trauma flashbacks and freaking out over current situation. completely lost touch with reality, thought i was stuck in a time loop forever and my brain would feel like it was being torn apart for the rest of eternity. also lmao whole thing made me age regress badly which made it x20 more terrifying. and i couldn't speak anymore and could barely move and the whole thing became so much that i ended up vomiting on myself. lovely times. anyway and this dude manages to get me home and i clean myself up and im still,,, very much a shaky mess who can barely speak and then. uhm well yea. he didnt force himself on me per say but frankly i was much too fucked up to say no and he was exponentially less high than i was and not fucked up almost at all by comparison. and uhm yea weird time too i barely remember it but it was rather violent and,,,, ,, triggering and also. i was stuck in the 20th dimension of still tripping balls after one of the most psychologically traumatizing trips of my life, probably moments of my entire life, and i was also stuck in the headspace of like a five year old and yea you know. at some point looking back it hit me that all that wasnt very ok and was actually very traumatizing lmao it fucked me up very badly for like months and i was dissociating quite hard. also this whole thing ended w this dude showing up at my work after i broke it off saying he tried to kill himself and i had to comfort him to not cause a scene truly fun fucking times lovely god bless

and then. because i was fucking insane at the time i ended up w this other dude who, get this, was into new age conspiracy theories. very interesting time gotta say it sure as fuck wasnt boring i heard way too much abt aliens but looking back. curiousity killed the cat. i was the cat. dude was very smart and very manipulative. so anyway i ended up getting sa'd like several times, coerced into sex, threathened w suicide, dude tried to impregnate me against my will, threathened to kill himself if i potentially got an abortion, coerced me into agreeing to an engagement while restraining me physically,,, HmM lmao lets see and then threathened to kill himself when i left

and like. thats not even half of all the Other crazy shit that went down. the end of 2019 was so incredibly wack