#this is a big step for me though lol i've been struggling for years and only just working up the courage to actually do something about it

[peachfairys]

started taking antidepressants ❤️ day 2 and i have a headache that won't go away no matter what i do. but i'm being so brave about it

[knickynoo]

I don't know if you've done this before: headcanons on Marty Junior and Marlene?

I'm almost positive I have done some sort of Junior and Marlene headcanon post, but I can't find it, so here are some off the top of my head. Gonna go with the versions of them that I imagine for the timeline that's fixed—where the Rolls Royce accident never happened—and Marty and Jennifer aren't miserable, lol. I think both Junior and Marlene would be more well adjusted in that one (especially Junior!)

• The difference in their personalities is evident to Marty and Jen pretty much from the start, with Marlene being the louder, more demanding of the twins and Junior being a much "easier" baby.

• They're extremely close, and Marlene naturally takes on the role of Junior's protector. Often, Marty and Jen have to remind Marlene to take a step back because she's being a little too much of a mother-hen to her brother, and they want Junior to learn to stand on his own two feet.

• Fixed-timeline Junior is quite different from the version of him in the 2015 we see in the movie. He's been raised in a more stable environment with a father who hasn't been defeated by life, so he's not the wimpy, scared little greasy guy who's easily pushed around. He's more sure of himself, not so easily frazzled, and is every bit as big-hearted as his father.

• Junior is not neurotypical. (How can he be? Look at Marty and George) I don't have a specific diagnosis in mind, but I know a draft of part II made reference to him being in a remedial school (and failing) so there's likely some learning disorder at play. In one of my Doctober chapters that include two-year-old versions of the twins, Clara's excited to learn that Junior has picked up a few new words—meanwhile, Marlene is using full sentences—so I do headcanon him as having been delayed in some areas.

[Side note: in that same scene, Doc tells Marty not to worry about Junior's progress, since Jules didn't start speaking until three-and-a-half, lol]

• Marty loves, loves, loves Marlene so much, but sometimes he thinks that she will be the death of him. Especially when she's young and full of sass and always getting into everything and he's struggling to keep up with her. He and Jen 100% lose Marlene in the mall on more than one occasion, and when they find her, she's just like, *shrug.*

• The twins have a special bond with Doc and Clara. Clara dotes on them but is especially close with Junior while Doc is closer to Marlene. When the kids are little and Marty and Jen feel like they're about to collapse from exhaustion, they dump Junior and Marlene at the Brown home and know they'll be well taken care of.

• As Marlene gets older, she's really into fashion, so she's close with her Aunt Linda. I can see Marlene being popular, but she's the type of popular girl who's liked by everyone. She has attitude, but she's not mean.

• Junior is just...Junior. He loves life and is out there doing his thing. He's the type who has a new hobby or interest every week, and Marty and Jen just have to roll with it. He walks in from school one day and goes, "I'm going to be a famous dancer, I decided" and then a week later says, "I want to learn to build a car" and they're just like, "Oh. Okay."

• I think they'd both try to learn an instrument at some point (likely guitar taught by Marty) but I can't decide if either of them would stick with it long term. Somehow, I don't see them being musicians.

• There's a part of me that wants to say an older Marlene eventually learns about time travel and all the wild stuff Marty went through. Idk how it would happen, though. Maybe she overhears something whispered between her parents in private or maybe she's just very perceptive and notices her father being weird about certain events in his life, so she corners him and is like, "Okay, Dad, spill the beans." Perhaps she's also put together some clues in all her time spent with Doc.

Thats about all I've got for now. Thanks for the ask!

[circuscountdowns]

Hi! Wanted to start off by saying that I LOVE your cotl art its such a huge inspiration to me :D! I recently picked up drawing again and I've unfortunately been upset? envious?! of others' skills and just wanted to ask if you ever experienced this as a fellow artist and if so how do you not do that lol. Sorry for the weird question. I just thought some insight and advice from a fellow artist could helo. BUT I hope you still have a nice day and look forward to any more cotl art or anything you draw really :D!!! (also is okay if you don't answer it is a loaded question I just be in a silly goofy mood lately okay bye!)

oh wow being on the receiving end of a question like this is surreal, I’m honored my work inspires you! Thank u, you’re sweet, it’s not a loaded question at all! Here’s my long reply sorry

so unfortunately that comparing yourself to others thing doesn’t go away ever asdfgjkl. I suffer it every day, it sucks, feels bad. I’ve had industry people tell me they feel this way and they’ll have some of the most gorgeous visdev/boards/animation I’ve ever seen. Disheartening to hear, But! I’m a big believer that comparing your artworks with others is best used as a tool and not a punishment to yourself!

When looking at art you like, try to turn thoughts of, “Man I wish my stuff looked like that, my shit sucks,” to, “What is it that I like about this piece? The line art? The perspective?” Sometimes I’ll see work with thin line art and I’ll get an itch, and I’ll draw something with thin line art. It’s a conscious effort of keepin emotion out of that itch, keeping it as, “I saw art with thin lines, I want to do that. Yay I did that!” Compartmentalize it, the itch was simply to do thin line work, not to remake the piece you were inspired by. And you got a piece of art out of it, and a single piece is progress no matter how small!

If you want to compare, do it methodically! Why does my work look different (never use the words better or worse)! Oh, I see my piece doesn’t follow the rule of thirds, so the framing is different, I’ll be aware of that next time if it bothers me. Or, Oh I see they shade by hatching along with the form, I’ve just been going horizontally, I’ll try that other way!

it’s a learning curve of training yourself, like all corrective behavior.

like, I kinda have the warning feeling of dread when I’m about to compare my work with something, so before the self-deprecating thought can even start I have to think What do I Like about this?

I’m no expert at it, though. Actually getting myself to think this way is a struggle, but I find when I make Thoughtful Observations I level up. Not by a lot most times, but yknow.

and this part is just my personal experience:

Fanart and the internet can be the biggest Art skill killer sometimes. Get offline and cater to the audience that Really matters to your passion: You! I improved the most by spending 2-3 years doing doodles/comics/models for my dnd campaign ocs because I was that obsessed and I simply wanted to have it for me!

and after all that, then there’s the hardest skill of just accepting your work as is.

like, to me, my work is just scribbles. I see other artists’ stuff and go “Man they’re so good at comics and colors, man, why can’t I color?” But do I need to??? I don’t like coloring, do I need to be good at it? This isn’t a career, this is supposed to be fun! I scribble because I like it! I’m glad this persons good at coloring, I don’t need to be! Yay!

if I Want to be good at it, I’ll take the steps to get there! But if not, my scribbles are just fine :) I love black and white and values

I’ve been having that one on repeat for a while. It helps

(acceptance and denial go hand in hand btw lol they sound the same)

I wish there was a little off button for envy, but ah well! I hope that you take comfort in knowing we are all feeling it, and find joy in even the smallest little doodle you make! Have fun stay goofy!

[cherryblossomforest]

Ooo I forgot to update, although I'm not sure anyone would care...😅

It wasn't covid. I figured it out early enough and retested multiple times just to be sure. It was faulty because it was out of date lol. I was rundown though, my body's engine light was on and I needed a few days to focus on getting it semi okay. Back to my normal I guess..

It was nice to just focus on me and everyone left me alone. It felt good to have that time. I've also finally got into a semi-habit of drinking 1.5l of water each day. One step at a time I'm looking after myself better and better!

Also, I'm back to writing my books which feels very good 😌

Off topic. One thing that I've been very aware of is that since going out more the last maybe 2 weeks (memory hiccup) I've been approached by a loooaad of people just complimenting me. On one of the days when I actually dressed up properly, I started counting - I know it sounds big-headed but I did it after venting to my cousin about my confusion because I generally feel ugly and she told me I'm not and to count - and from what I remembered it was 14. I got called a Goddess, someone compared me to Queen Tuya from Prince of Egypt, someone said I should model. There was just a lot going on! When I was telling one of my male friends on another day and he didn't believe me, someone literally came up 2 minutes later to compliment me and he was literally laughing because he thought I was lying. Now I don't think I'm the prettiest person, very far from it, but to be complimented this much does feel nice but it also makes sense why I avoided this for so many years out of fear, because of my history.

Today I took my sister and the niblings to a huge park and I decided to climb up one of the hills (knowing I'll be in bed for the rest of the week lol) and it was crazy hard. At one point I was on all fours climbing up and my niece was laughing calling me crazy 🤪. Anyway, when I finally got down this random guy came up to me when I was sitting next to my sister. He was like "Did you just climb that hill on a crutch?!" When I said yes, he asked me why and I said why not... because why not?? He asked me how old I was and he was like "Any girl that climbs a hill on a crutch like you did is my type of girl, can I get your number?" My brain started spinning because I wasn't expecting it. I can't remember what I said but he was respectful when I declined and kept it moving. Thankfully.

This is the type of attention teenage me struggled with. People don't believe me when I tell them how much attention I get. Now that I'm a healthy weight and not so depressed, it gets overwhelming fast if my trauma brain is turned on. I'm not complaining in the sense that I want people to feel bad because it's never that deep. Like womp womp! But I think I'm realising that as a kid/teen it actually was a lot. It makes sense that my Anorexia was so bad and that I fell so deep into it. As a teenager having grown men treat me like how I'm being treated now was scary, especially with the things I had gone through. Now I'm learning to embrace it and keep it humble because at times I attract this certain type of It Girl and I'm Not about that. Inwardly, I don't always feel pretty but I know for a fact that I have pretty privilege so this isn't something I feel comfortable talking about most times because I get it... people are genuinely like "Shut the hell up you're beautiful why are you complaining?" And I promise it's not supposed to come off like That. It's more me navigating this with an extensive trauma background. Anyway, I often forget I'm mid to late 20s and not a teen, but as I'm getting more and more present in the now I think that's starting to shift which helps a lot! :)

[bilightningwhumper]

Old Intro (now unpinned)

Finally made a writing sideblog, so hi, hello, nice to meet you all.

Alright, so I've been mostly lurking in the whump tags the past couple years. While it's not new new to me, I'm still learning more of the tagging finese that's going on.

Appreciate any help and also maybe beta readers in future?

---

But anyway, here's the stories I've been working on for my Ao3 (bilightningwriter for my username there):

Shadow of a Sheild*- Marvel omegaverse fanfic is currently centered around mostly my OCs Jamie (Steve Rogers' and Peggy Carter's daughter) and her love interest, Anna; though I'll have more scenes and/or separate simultaneous stories with other OCs (like Jamie's half+step siblings, Will and Becca) as well as other Marvel characters

Summary (current, to be edited):

Jamie Makayla Rogers (formerly Carter) is a girl displaced out of time. Much like her father, she was frozen in ice, but like his mate, she was forced into it. Now in the modern world, Jamie is struggling to communicate with the soldier who left her mother. Captain Steve Rogers. After all, until recently, he didn't even know she existed.

Steve Rogers suddenly has a pup, already almost grown. Avenging the world seems a simpler task than attempting to raise a teenager.

Main tropes/themes/etc:

Superheros

Whump

The New Eden Institution- whump omegaverse fics made to both get comfortable writing for myself again, as well as to mess with AI because I guess Omegaverse screws with it, lol; no greater motivation than being petty

Summary:

New Eden Institution: A Correctional Facility for the Troubled and In Need

Is your child in need of intervention before progressing into adulthood? We're here to help! Your dependent must 18 or older. Unfortunately, we have no program for Betas so far, though we strive to eventually help all troubled children. Guaranteed improvement and healing.

Main tropes/themes/etc:

Dystopia

Whump

Soulmates

Fairytales/Legends/etc

The fairytales I'm working on so far for it are as follows:

Little Mermaid

Red Riding Hood

Swan Lake

Rapunzel

Robin Hood

Beauty and the Beast + Cinderella (merged)

Mangst 2024- TNEI Edition Masterlist

Ao3 New Eden Institution series

Magic High School AU Collection*- Also unnamed; stories so far to be AUed are:

Lady and the Tramp

Swan Lake

Asterisks next to titles that are/will be restricted to users of Ao3 only because AI is ridiculous.

Main characters are all some combination of LGBT+ and/or neurodivergent (and I mean neurodivergent, not just the "nice disorders").

Warnings for these: SA is pretty prevalent in my stories, for personal reasons. Homophobic and transphobic characters (side characters are, not main ones, though some internalized for the main, but they get through it) as well as ableism. I've mostly stuck to what I personally know, so a lot of the main characters are white and not PoC, though I'm working on it, I just don't want to overstep or inadvertently be insensitive.

One thing I avoid is death, like killing off characters, especially the main ones. Big fan of "everybody lives."

That's it for now. I'll add more as I think of it.

[threshie]

Bye-Bye Bras

It took decades, but I have finally officially decided to ditch bras for good. It sounds like a little thing, but it's SO freeing to be this comfortable while out and about, instead of shoving myself into the sensory discomfort that is a bra every time I step out of the house. I think it took discovering the autism to give myself permission to just not care if somebody may see the outline of nipples.

I don't really have anywhere else to ramble about this to the world, so my Tumblr gets to hear about it instead, LOL. I would literally make myself put a bra on if I set foot out of the house, even just to check the mail, and realized it had become part of masking. So far the only people who have seemed to care are a bunch of little old ladies giving me side-eye while grocery shopping, and I'm gonna prioritize my day to day comfort, not their two minutes of perceiving me ever.

Anyway, wheee, I've given myself permission to go braless and kicked the idea that that is inappropriate to the curb. I'm so comfy in my clothes while outside now that it feels like I'm still in my pajamas. Cripes.

I tried wearing double layers at first with a tank top as an undershirt. Overheated really bad, though. Then I got the guts to go out in only the tank top, and you know, the world did not end. Just this morning I realized, hey, my entire wardrobe is allowed to be worn braless, actually! I suppose the next big step will be shopping for clothes sans bra and buying things that look nice on me without a bra there at all, then not caring if I show up in photos with no bra, etc, etc.

I think I've got more sensory issues than I previously thought. When I tried to force myself to get back to wearing a bra daily, I just couldn't stand it. So this sounds silly, and like a small thing, but it's a big deal for me to allow myself to be this comfortable and be seen without the stupid bra, which I literally only wore as part of masking.

I'm lucky to have a small chest and find bra-free so comfy. I don't need support, and I don't need nipple covering, so I don't need the bra at all. Whoohoo!

I've been struggling with this for years, by the way. I tried wearing only yoga bras (made me sweat.) I tried sports bras (gave me killer neck and shoulder pain.) I tried stick-on nipple covers (looked worse under the shirt than the shape of my actual nipples.) Finally, I realized that I didn't want or need any of that stuff, I was just trying to accommodate my desire to not wear a bra at all in a way that was acceptable to others. And wearing no bra IS acceptable, actually. ♥

[vitamango]

Oh! Hello there! Here's something different! A rare text post! I realize I interact very rarely here (and tbh interact very rarely on social media at all, in recent years) but I'm trying to figure out a nicer balance than just dead radio silence.

I guess, hi hello. I'm King -- I'm a nonbinary artist. I draw. I love video games and cute things. And I am trying to beat my anxiety over using social media back with a stick. I dunno how many of my followers are still active here, but regardless of whether you have found me recently or stuck with me for years, you guys really mean a lot to me. It's a really quiet little corner of the internet, but it's mine, and I find comfort in knowing that there's someone out there who was kind enough to take a moment out of their life to see my work.

I want to challenge myself to start posting a little more so I'm slowly posting some of my old art backlog, but maybe also just chattering mindlessly and finding comfort in blogging again.

Man, it's really been a while since I last posted a text post, huh. To be honest, somewhere in the last 2-5 years, I've developed some kind of crippling fear of being perceived and just kind of drop my art on social media like a cat dropping a dead mouse on someone's pillow for praise and just disappear back into the ether. I miss it, though! I miss interaction even if I'm not a particularly chatty person in blog form but, hell, it's a blog and it's silly to be worried about blogging... on a blog.

So here I am. I think part of the anxiety has stemmed from trying to slowly make the switch to twitter and there being so many unspoken rules of engagement on twitter that at some point it all just got all twisted up into a big ball of "well idk how to interact so I guess I won't!" and somehow that just kind of extended to pretty much every social media thing I have. It's kind of wild how hostile social media feels nowadays -- is it just me? I know I have a lot of anxiety but I hope someone out there relates!

Tumblr is a strange blogging platform, isn't it? It makes interacting with people kind of hoop-jumpy and difficult, and yet it still feels a lot more approachable than something like twitter in my opinion (my beloathed).

I've been considering making the jump to Cara seeing so many other artists do the same (and I have made an account), but to be honest, the idea of maintaining yet another social media account fills me with so much bone-deep exhaustion.

I've been really struggling with artblock recently and finding it difficult to find enjoyment in the hobby that I loved so much and has been so formative to me. It feels strangely alienating finding myself incapable of producing artwork the way I used to, but it's been a slow work in progress. Reviving my social media accounts is a step in some direction, honestly! Or at least, I'm hoping it will be.

Tangentially related, I don't draw a lot of fanart -- not because I'm not a fan of things but more because if I spend the energy on drawing, I often want to spend it on original creations (as the #1 and singular fan in that fandom LOL), but I always feel like I should do it more often -- mostly because it's such a delight to see other fans trickle in out of the woodwork. I think this every time in the rare occasions I do post fanwork, haha!

Anyways, I'm not actually expecting anyone to read this but if you did, hello! I hope you, specifically, (yes, you!!!) have the bestest of days! ;)

469th post on this blog, too. Nice.

[zepskies]

Hey Zep!

I love your writing, especially been enjoying the Soldier Boy series stuff and the latest with Smoke Eater!

(Btw are you taking inspiration from One Chicago (Fire, PD, Med) with it? If so kudos and I love it, big fans of those series myself 😊)

Anyway! I’ve really been enjoying your works, been pouring through them and the stuff you have on AO3. I also thought your tips for writing were super helpful!

I’m back to writing myself after a long ass break, but always struggle keeping inspiration so a lot of my work sometimes goes unfinished. I’d like to ask how you keep motivated and continue a fic even if sometimes you’re not into it? Do you have any tips or tricks?

Thank you and again, love your work!

Hey there, lovely!! ❤️

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you liked Break Me Down and are enjoying Smoke Eater too! ❤️‍🔥

(Oh yes, indeed I am! 😊 I love all things Law & Order and One Chicago. I based firefighter!Dean on Lt. Matt Casey in Chicago Fire, with a little Severide flair lol.)

Thank you again for reading my work, both here and on Ao3!! I'm also glad that my writing tips have been helpful to you in any way. I came back to Tumblr and writing in general after about a year break myself, so I feel you there.

I absolutely LOVE your question though...

Because it's something I still battle with myself. I think all of us writers and artists struggle to stay motivated, no matter how much we love our craft. I do, however, have a few tips that help me immensely.

5 Tips to Stay Motivated to Write:

Be organized. Create a realistic, attainable schedule. ✍️

My brain works in checklists, bullet points, very methodical. I can't write chapter five before chapter 1. I can't write a series (even a mini series or a long one-shot) without outlining first.

So my first step is creating a schedule for myself: from sketching the premise, to bullet points/outlining, to actually sitting down to draft, to then editing. When I'm working on a series, I write the first 3 to 5 chapters before starting post it.

This means I have a head start. I commit to writing a chapter per week after that until the series is done. This give me lots of time and wiggle room for editing before posting each chapter afterwards. For example, I wrote the first 5 chapters of Smoke Eater before I started to post. I'm now in the middle of drafting Part 19 out of 20 even though I just posted Part 11.

Now, this doesn't mean I don't slack off lol. If I don't follow these steps I lose my discipline. I can get lazy. (We won't talk about And So It Goes. 😅 I've been sitting on writing the last 5 chapters for a painfully long time.)

But I have other tips that help me get my head back into the game.

2. Revisit the thing that gave you inspiration in the first place! 🍿

Rewatch, reread, revisit the episode, movie, book, story, artwork that stroked your muse and had you daydreaming and brainstorming about the WIP you're working on. That can be a good way to revitalize you when you feel your motivation lacking.

3. Create a music playlist. 🎶

I love doing this, especially for a series. I often create a playlist of songs that remind me of the setting, the characters, the romance I'm trying to create. Whether it's the words or the tone/rhythm that get me going, music inspires me greatly.

(For Break Me Down, for example, I listened to songs like "All My Living Time" by Radio Company for the vibe of the plot, and oldies like "If I Didn't Care" and "You're Getting to Be a Habit With Me" by Mel Torme for nostalgic 40s vibes/the romance.)

4. Go for a walk. ☀️

I walk for exercise, but it also gives me time to daydream and run scenes in my head while vibing to my music (sometimes looking like a crazy person as I nod and make hand motions lmao). This helps me clear my head, get some fresh air, then come back to my laptop with a little more pep in my brain, ready to write.

5. Encouragement and feedback from others. 💞

This really helps, of course. Whether it's someone you trust to read over your work, or seeing how people react to your initial chapters after you post them. Both can be very motivating to keep going, at least for me!

And I'll be transparent, I've gotten a bit fatigued while writing the back half of Smoke Eater. I have a lot going on at work and my personal life at the moment. But seeing how people have been commenting and giving feedback on each chapter -- the mystery, the connection between Dean and the reader, the various storylines happening -- it's been incredibly motivating for me to read those back and remember that people are enjoying what I'm coming up with. It helps give me the push I need to get the rough draft out.

And a rough draft doesn't have to be perfect on the first try. That's why it's rough. I call it the "throw up draft." Just get it on the page. The editing process is where I truly find the nuance in the dialogue, refine the plot, exposition, etc.

Anyway. I'm long-winded again, as usual. 😂

I hope this helps you! If you have any other writing questions just let me know. I love talking about this stuff! 💕

[louisisalarrie]

Lmao about to jump on your bbg discussion here. My issue with the scenario of ending with a paternity test has always been that GP will always still believe that he at the very least, slept with a woman. I was under the impression during 1D years, particularly the later years with RBB, that H and L wanted to eventually come out as a couple, thus the hinting about Larry. Obviously things can change over the years and perhaps they don't want that anymore, but if they do, then the only way to actually do that and have it make sense is to literally tell the truth as the ending. Like a legit tell all about being forced into the closet, the beards, the fake pregnancy, everything. Because he can't logically say "I thought this hookup gave me a kid for the past 8 years" and "H and I have been together since 2010" and not have people be ??? But do you think coming out with the legit truth is ever possibility at all? Or no matter what, will people always think some aspects of the stunts were true? As I said though, maybe H and L don't really care at this point, they know larries know the truth? Just something I've thought about a lot!

Helloooo anon! Lovely to hear your thoughts and thanks for joining in the discussion! I’ll try and break this down a bit into main points so I don’t ramble about everything all at once and it ends up illegible hehe.

Alrighty, so I think that the GP always thinking louis had slept with a woman because of bbg ending in a paternity result is what it is. As long as it stops the stunt, that’s what matters to him and to us. This is a Step 1 of the coming out process, and once those headlines die down about it, then it’s deciding how H and L come out. In my opinion, there are a few ways this could go after bbg ends:

a) harry comes out first, Louis comes out months later (long enough for it to not be immediately connected by gp), then they start being seen together and a “new” relationship between them is seeded and say they’ve never been together until now

b) louis and harry come out together in a relationship, say they’ve never been together until now

c) louis and harry come out together in a relationship, say they’ve been together since 1d, and expose all the stunts by breaking their NDAs

Now… all 3 of these options work with the narrative of a paternity test. In all options, they are still able to define their sexuality as whatever they want it to be when they come out, but will obviously lean towards both of them at least having previous interest in women. Louis could be like “yeah I always thought I was straight but I did some soul searching and realised I’m gay” and harry could stick with the assumption held by the GP already that he is bi, or say something similar to the above.

I assume option A is how things are gonna go, because B links too closely to C and doesn’t line up with the current narrative of them being weirdos on opposite sides of the planet to each other at all times lol. Ideally, option C would be extremely satisfying and would give both of them incredible PR, and bring S*mon and co to their knees, but that truly depends on what H and L think they wanna do, and how big of a war they wanna keep fighting.

Hear me out here now… I’ve talked about multiple ways to end bbg in the past, but what if Louis was just like.. a sperm donor? Very early on in bbg there was a theory that B was a surrogate for H and L, but that definitely doesn’t add up. This theory, however, would require louis to come out at the same time as bbg ending, all in one go, and it also keeps F as his son which isn’t ideal, but separates him more from it in terms of sexuality. But hear me out… what if there was a headline that looked like this?

“Louis Tomlinson announces he donated his sperm in generous act for good friend B whose long term partner struggled with fertility issues”

While this headline looks a bit funny to us, I think the GP won’t question it thaaaaat much. His direct non larrie fans would, because they have seen AOTV, they’ve seen louis call F his son multiple times, but… in this narrative, he IS his son, he’s just not having sex with women because he’s gay lol, and he’s just a sweet guy, ya know? And things could be broken down a little like:

“Tomlinson, 32, says that he loves F and was happy to help B out as he’d always wanted to be a father himself, but has announced to the world just this morning, that he is in fact gay.”

It’s frustrating because in a way, it ends bbg, but it also keeps F connected to Louis to a degree. Ugh. Idk. But that is how you would ensure that the GP don’t have proof that louis has had vaginal sex anymore.

To your point about harry and louis doing a tell all, it would rock the music industry like crazy. Imagine it!!! There would be a million other celebs wanting to come out and share their stories of how badly they’re treated too, and people would be on Larry’s side. It would be powerful. It would help stop what happened to them, happen to other young gay kids. And it would ruin S*mons life, which I love. But… I think a tell all will happen, but not for a long time. I would love it to happen now, trust me I would, but I feel they’re still in too much of a sticky situation with bbg and Harry’s stunts.

I think larry see what we say, they love that we know, and they care a lot about us. But truly I think they’d love to show the world their true colours. Harry’s dancing with pride flags and is MUCH more free now in expressing himself, and I think he would actually wait for louis to be in a position where they can come out together, to take the heat off just one of them doing it. I think they’d love to walk down the street and hold hands and be cute, because they were told for so many years they couldn’t. And being told you can’t, makes you really want to. So I think they’ll do it together, and I think they want to. In saying this though, I do agree with the theory that they decided to put coming out on the back burner for a little bit while they enjoyed their tours and let the dust settle a bit after so much happening, and are just enjoying their private love life while they’re older and have a bit more freedom. But they’ll come back with a vengeance, and they’ll come out together. I’m sure of it xx

(Also sorry I totally rambled)

[georgespaniel]

this is me speaking frankly about my thoughts on all of this because i've been really struggling over the past 2 days because of the matty shit and it hurts. i will admit i feel conflicted over this which i hate and if you feel similar or want to tell me to shut the fuck up feel free but i think talking about it and getting out my system will help. this is rambly, incoherent, kinda personal and quite long so feel free to ignore but i just want it out there.

i think i am very parasocial with matty and that makes me want to excuse him far more than i should, and i'm willing to admit that is a flaw. i want to be in denial and tell myself that this is all just a big bit and he's not really like that but how the fuck am i supposed to know that? i keep telling myself that he is better than this and he doesn't actually believe any of this but realistically i know nothing about this man other than what he shows us, and what he showed on that podcast was really shitty. i can't keep excusing his shitty behaviour, before i just thought of him as a loveable asshole but he's turning more and more into just a straight up asshole.

i feel like people on both sides of this debate are being way too loud because it's a lot more nuanced than either 'he has committed every -ism under the sun and is a terrible bigot' or 'he's done nothing wrong lol you're just a fake fan that's his humour' and i hate that no one can just have a conversation about this. i've seen and spoken to a few people on anon about it and it's been much nicer so i appreciate this tumblr community for being so nice even though this blog has only existed for like a week lmao.

i have loved matty since 2015 and my love was really reignited back in November and it's made these past few months so good for me, i saw them live and made 15 year old me's dream come true and i think i was kinda waiting for it to all go to shit so i feel like i shouldn't be surprised but i still am.

it hurts that a man who has been so vocal about supporting women and condemning bigotry and toxic masculinity can't stop himself from participating in such unnecessary low blow humour for some cool points. like i don't really give a shit if it's satire and all a big bit, the words are still harmful and they still fucking hurt.

like it's so frustrating because in my head i want to believe he is better than this!!! he has been so vocal in the past and that goddamn brit award speech he made just doesn't seem like the same person who was in that interview. but once again how am i supposed to know that. maybe he's an absolute prick behind closed doors.

i don't feel like what was done was egregious but he was clearly happily complicit in it and thats what makes me so uncomfortable. it's such shitty punch down humour that is completely unnecessary, like yeah its a joke or whatever but its such a shit joke that is only funny because its something they know will never happen to them. even if the hosts are minorities themselves it doesn't give them the right to make such shitty racist remarks and especially for privileged white boy matty to be joining in with them.

i think its poe's law that goes something like 'if your attempt at satire is indistinguishable from the person you are mocking you are no better than them'. like even if he isn't a bigot he sure is fucking sounding like one and it pisses me off. and i have seen people who definitely are bigots laughing at this shit and feeling validated by it. if people who genuinely believe that shit are laughing and agreeing with you then you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you are saying.

he has no ability to understand when to shut his mouth and understand that his opinion isn't fucking needed. oh great yet another rich privileged white man's opinions, exactly what the world fucking needs.

i feel like he could maybe redeem himself is he showed even an ounce of self reflection and realisation that he has genuinely hurt people, if he actually apologised or fucking did anything to acknowledge the shitty stuff he has done, but he never does!!!! he never does because he can get away with it because people keep letting him get away with it.

and yet despite all that a small part of me still wants to love him and its been tearing me apart. i considered myself to have very strong morals and this goes against so many of them. i'm not sure if it's the parasocial attachment or the comfort he has brought me over the years but i really don't want to lose that, but that sacrifices my own morals to do that (am i being too sensitive, am i too morally black and white, is what i am feeling valid, am i a bad person for thinking this???)

i hate the fact that every time i try to listen to their music or i see the videos that used to make me feel so happy i just feel sick. i want to feel comforted and happy like i used to but now i just think about him and feel upset, i don't want him to be that person i so desperately don't but i don't know anymore and i don't know what to do.

i hate the fact that i can't form my own opinions and i am so influenced by what other people say, i am so desperate for someone to valdiate me but two people have told me it's okay and i still feel sick. i want someone to tell me how to feel about this but when they do i can't accept it. i love him and i hate him so much and those feelings can't get on with each other. it just really really fucking sucks.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Have you read When the Duke was Wicked by Lorraine Heath? I've never read Heath before, and I'm looking for an opinion!

Oh, for sure! I love that book; it's one of my favorite Heaths. It's highly emotional and romantic, and I'd say it's fairly high angst, but not quite as angsty as Thee Angstiest Heaths I've read. I feel like when I first began reading Lorraine it wasn't given its proper due, but it's been slowly gaining icon status over the past few years--there are certain circles where you just have to go "RUM ON LIPS" and people will know which book you're talking about. And if you're into a rake hero, Lovingdon is one of my favorites. Deeply sexy, comes from a great family, would have benefited from some therapy. Great heroine, too--Grace is sweet but strong and very firm in her sense of self worth, while at the same struggling with her own trauma and how that's impacted the way she sees herself.

Without getting into spoilers, the book does deal heavily with grief (Lovingdon is a widower who lost his wife and child at the same time, and it deeply fucked with his head) as well as some intense past medical trauma. But I still would say that it's deeply optimistic and fun, and has some wacky Lorraine Heath third act shenanigans.

The one thing I will say, though... This book does begin its own series, but you do have a preceding series that's pretty connected? When the Duke Was Wicked kicks of the Scandalous Gentlemen of St. James series, but the Scoundrels of St. James series is about like... the parents of the Scandalous Gentlemen, basically. Like, Scoundrels has this scrappy group of former child thieves (lmao) and the Scandalous Gentlemen are their nepo baby kids.

Lovingdon is actually the son (well, in the case of the hero, stepson) of the hero and heroine of Between the Devil and Desire, which is another all-time Heath book, imo. That one is about an uptight duchess whose husband dies and leaves the guardianship of their son to some random she's never met before, who happens to be Jack Dodger, a Prototypical Heath Hero (put some respect on Jack Dodger's name, nothing but respect for my gambling club owner turned father who stepped up), a total scoundrel/ne'erdowell/rich guy with a big dick. Lovingdon, aka RUM ON LIPS, is the duchess's young son, who is extremely sweet in his mom's book and I don't know, learned some shit in between books I guess.

And Grace, the heroine, is the daughter of Sterling and Frannie from Surrender to the Devil, a book about a woman who has survived immense trauma now having to deal with this fuckin' drama queen of a duke who's started sniffing around.

Anyway, would recommend all these books with TW caveats (pretty much every Scoundrels book is going to touch on the traumatic childhoods of the Scoundrels, which involved general abuse as well as sexual assault for several of them).

Other Lorraine Heath books I'd consider starting with:

Waking Up with the Duke. Probably her best work. The last book in a series, but you can read it as a standalone. It's the one that begins with the heroine's husband telling the hero "YOU OWE ME A COCK" because the hero caused the accident that made the heroine's husband impotent. Anyway, as a friend, he agrees to impregnate the heroine, because like, if you're gonna have your bro impregnate your wife, you should probably choose the bro who's AMAZING in bed. Highly emotional, angsty as hell, he's wanted her so long he basically has an orgasm from eating her out (and the lightest caress of her hand).

Scoundrel of My Heart. A series starter. You open on this very conventional romance between a heroine and her best friend's obnoxiously charming older brother, where she finds out that this local duke is literally taking applicants for a wife, and the hero agrees to help her get said duke's attention. Obviously, they fall in love, and they're just about to truly get together before THE MOST INSANE SHIT HAPPENS LOL (I literally paused, read the sentence several times to make sure I read it correctly, and laughed in pure delight), and they're separated. The book does a year timeskip, she's now engaged to local duke, and she and the hero reconnect as changed people.

A benefit is that this leads directly into The Duchess Hunt, which is imo soooo much better if you read Scoundrel first. Spoiler alert, local duke does not get the girl, but he's still running like, Indeed for Wives, and he's doing it with the help of his literal Girl Friday, his secretary Penelope, a bad bitch who literally masturbates to the thought of him in a carriage, who he CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT but only AS AN EMPLOYEE, it's SUPER NORMAL GUYS. If she quits he'll like, jump off a cliff.

[the--highlanders]

Hi :) favourite 2 era books? (im looking for some to read and you seem v knowledgeable about them lol) thank you :)

hey!! honestly I'm not sure that I'm super knowledgeable on two-era books?? I feel like there's a WHOLE bunch I haven't read. but I'll have a go!! & if anyone else wants to add on more recs then please do <33

the roundheads is my personal fav - it's a no-aliens historical with two, jamie, ben, and polly finding their way through 1600s london, & honestly the plot has always been secondary to the character moments crammed into it, especially with two and jamie. if you've ever seen people talking about them going to a frost fair, this is the book it's from. it's a good read as a whole but also for going back and reading specific cute/funny scenes imo

the wheel of ice is also good (though it does have two referring to jamie as 'boy', which. always throws me off every time I read it ngl gfdjskh). the overarching plot is pretty standard iirc, but again there's a bunch of cute moments (including some parental stuff with two and zoe), so it's a fun read!!

if you're just looking for stuff to read in general rather than new content specifically, I'd also recommend reading the target novelisations! they're not always perfect, and I find that they struggle with writing jamie a lot?? idk I find that some of them make him dumber and. hm. hypermasculine in a way he's not on screen, if that makes sense. but also sometimes they add a bunch of background detail to the stories and especially the secondary characters, which can be fun! like, iirc the underwater menace novelisation gives ara (the servant girl they befriend) a whole backstory with her father having opposed zaroff), which just adds a nice bit of depth to an otherwise pretty bare-bones character.

but in terms of written content my go-to is usually the big finish short trips books. which may be somewhat harder to find (I saved my copies literal years ago, so idk how available they are these days?), but definitely worth it if you can get hold of them! something about the format of short stories on specific topics seems to push them into being a lot more character-focused than some of the novels can be, and doing some interesting/thoughtful stuff. there's quite a few of them, though not all of them have two-era stories - some of the ones with the most memorable two-era stories for me are:

destination prague - my all-time favourite for personal reasons but also because I genuinely think the stories in this one SLAP. there's two two-era stories in here, both of which are probably 6b (in the sense that they're not explicit about it, but two and jamie are travelling alone, and I think thematically/character-wise they work best there). they both deal a lot with grief and how two in particular copes (or doesn't cope) with it. and they're super easy to read through a two/jamie lens if that's your thing!

the quality of leadership - jamie meets william wallace. what more do you need to know. slightly dubious historical content aside, this is a GREAT jamie character study, having him deal with meeting one of his heroes and being disappointed - imo it really gets into what jamie values and admires in people, and there's a Lot to get into there. there's also another two-era story in this (with jamie, ben, and polly) which I haven't read in ages but which I think has some really good ben and polly characterisation, so I've been meaning to reread!

life science - if you enjoy victoria, read. the. age. of. ambition. I am absolutely unable to be normal about this story I swear to god. just. the image of jamie being unable to shoot someone and victoria having to step in and do it for him. it's also got a bit of victoria backstory which is always fun

but there's a whole bunch of others!! ranging from 'two takes zoe to work at a soup kitchen over christmas' to 'jamie gets turned into a literal bear'. so, you know, probably something for everyone's taste.

back to actual novels for a second - I wouldn't necessarily recommend the indestructible man unless you're prepared for something REALLY heavy (like, 'this feels more like a dark au than a doctor who novel' sort of heavy). it occupies this weird space between 'this has so many two/jamie moments' and 'this needs to come with about 50 different trigger warnings'. but if you're into that sort of thing, it's there!! & I would not recommend combat rock at all, it's just. a racist sexist mess from the bits I've seen. absolutely not worth it

[petrichoraline]

how do you face failure? i've been trying to do this thing for two years now and it's just not working out, stopping now would feel like i just lost all this time and keep going would feel like i'm either completely delulu or afraid to go for something else... i'm struggling so bad i feel like i'm bad at everything and nothing will ever turn out good for me... this hopeless feeling is eating me alive i'm in my late 20s i have no idea what to do i'm sooooo useless lol

i want to start this off by sending you a warm hug and thanking for your patience <3 please proceed

you're not a failure for struggling. you're not a failure for things not going the way you wanted them to. whether you keep on this track or choose to try something else - you wouldn't be a failure.

your struggle is valid. fuck, who wouldn't struggle in your place? everybody goes through something like this, some deal with it better than other but a Big Choice is an inherent part of the adult human experience and it's hard, sometimes painful and we all Struggle through it.

right now you're in the fog. the fog prevents you from seeing where you begun - you don't clearly remember what was going on in your head when you set off on this path. you can't see anything in front of you either, you can only tell there are other paths on the side which you could take, have you the wish.

you have a map with you but what good is it when you can't see further from your nose? this is your resource and yet you can't make use of it, why? because there's the fog. there are circumstances outside of your control- your reality is created by both your inner self (motivation, attitude, wishes) and outside influences. you cannot blame yourself for everything that happens for even if you want things to stop happening they will keep doing so - something always happens and that is not something to keep yourself responsible for so why would you put all this shame onto yourself for yet another thing that Just Is and isn't your responsibility? your responsibility is to commit and exhaust your resources - you care about this goal you've set enough for it to tear you apart but is it tearing you apart so much that you put your all into it? if you decide to take on a different path one thing that will nag at you is the thought that you're a quitter. on top of all the fear and energy you have to put into starting anew you're going to have this new conviction added to the list of insecurities that you can't bring something to its finish. giving it your all does not mean sacrificing your well being - it means not trying new approaches because of self doubt, throwing glances at other possibilities or being paralyzed by fear. the one thing you do not want to leave this part of your life with is regrets. the thing is there will always be "what if"s, every single choice you make will leave the road untaken as a what if. the dark shadow that may follow you after is regret and a regret's existence is dependant on you. the possibility, the other scenarios, the what ifs are a part of life - the pain in your chest though? that can be avoided if you step into your new ventures with the proper attitude.

so, about giving up - that in itself is not a dirty act. and if you do it knowing you did your best you're not going to feel dirty because of it. giving up is just letting go of what no longer serves you and might even be hurting you instead. you can give up on something and still not feel like a quitter and like you're less than only if you have certainty. but in the fog you can't have certainty about anything aside from what's in your heart and that's exactly where you have to build the conviction that things are as they should be, that what youre doing is right. the certainty you seek should not be in any future that lies ahead - that does not exist for anyone. but the certainty of your own abilities the certainty that whatever shit comes your way you can handle it, the feeling that you're gonna be okay no matter what you choose. and for that you have to believe in yourself.

you are feeling helpless because things are not working out as you wished and that has put you in a position from which you cannot see how capable you truly are. you are not incompetent, what you are is not confident. you have a flashlight but what use it is if it's broken? and it broke from all of these unpredictable turns of events, all these pressures both from people close to you and the burden you put on yourself which is getting heavier because there is no one to tell you that you are enough and already have everything at your disposal. even if there is someone trying to do so, you probably can't hear them anymore from the constant voice in your head telling you you're failing because you lack. and that voice is lying but it's just a part of you now and you take all that bullshit for a fact when it's not. "nothing will work out for you" - thats the asshole talking. ignore it, that is not a fact of life either and never will be. you are not failing, you are not useless, the fact that you care so much and try so hard and it hurt so much means you're so full of heart and desire and life and all of that energy can go outwards and be put into something that helps you.

"lost all this time" - you didn't lose it. you were there, present, during those two years. you were gaining information about the field, yourself, what sets you off, what motivates you, what your limits are. you were developing soft and hard skills on top of the field specific ones (assuming we're talking about a study-work situation). you didn't lose that time, you spent it. and what you gain from it depends on how open you are to learning from the information already available to you from this experience. do not be afraid of letting go of this goal just because you spent time on it - its okay to not finish something. not every project deserves your devotion, whether they do or not relies on you. it's like relationships - not every person is going to stay with you forever, most don't but that doesn't make the time spent with them less valuable.

I cannot tell you what choice to make - not only because we are, well, quite distant to each other haha, but because I am not you. even your closest person cannot make a decision for you. the responsibility is all yours and that sounds terrifying but it's also so powerful, having something depend solely on you.

you can go down a new path, it's exciting and brings you new opportunities to learn. but you have got to close the previous chapter with confidence. you cannot bring all that baggage with you, you've got more fog to fight. if you start something new you need to understand how truly valuable and capable you are beforehand and that you are not seeing yourself objectively.

you can keep going down the same path- you are not delusional for assuming that what you've set out to do could actually work out, it's a very real possibility. if you want to stay on the same route, you have to keep your head up high and trust that your commitment and effort are worth it. two years are a relatively small period of time in the grand scheme of things and some ventures simply take more time. and again, see your self value. I am telling you with absolute confidence that you are so much more talented than you think and you are able of things you can't even imagine achieving right now.

you are afraid of moving forward, you are afraid of stepping sideways, you are afraid of letting others down and not meeting expectations. you are paralyzed by fear but you are not stuck. you have to move - you can't stay on that spot on the path forever. take your time, think things through, look inwards, catch your breath and then take a step. the unknown is exactly that - unknown. you cannot focus on all the bad that could happen, you have got to look forward to all the good that lies ahead because there must be some good in each choice. it's all going to be okay, you need some patience, some love towards yourself and a bit of faith. you've got it, trust me. at some point in the future (whichever future that is) the fog will dissipate and you'll realise how many of your worries and concerns were just a product of your fear and have no reflection on the real world. so please believe in yourself a bit more, I know I do, immensely.

[atmymercy]

hi tea!!

alrightyyy, here's my feedback.

okay so I've gotten multiple readings with you and I'll just tell you about each one.

the first one was the august monthly special for the pre-2k song and details about that. can I just say that the song was so perfect omg. like scary accurateee. I really appreciate the reassurance you provided and I love how you just said whatever popped up loll. I'm like that too. there were some things you mentioned my guides said that I'd have to do (and that I don't really want to bahaha) but I honestly agree with you. and I believe I don't really have anything to worry about.

okay next was the september monthly special reading for the rest of the year. and omg you were so right about the big things coming my way, specifically the money thing, because I literally got a good job I think a couple days before what you said. ahhh. and I appreciate the advice from my guides that you gave me. its so unique! lol! and I agree that my heartspace probably has a connection to my room :) that resonated heavily with me <3 and againnn thanks so much for the reassurance <3

and finally the birth chart game (I finally caught it in time and actually did everything right lmaoo yayyy). I believe what you said about me shining too bright that I burn others. it's actually happened in the past. I really struggle with that omg (and this challenge doesn't sound fun at all 😭). I will definitely take note of that, and take your advice. I don't know much about reading birth charts so you pointing out that my mercury and mars being so close together causing this had me like "woahhh".

but ya that's all (for now)

thanks so much for your time and energy, tea! you're an angel <3

hello drop!

omg! honey, that's so sweet of you! that you did all your reads! aww! you totally didn't have to but omg! thank you so much for taking this time!

okay! first off, thank you for doing the pre-2k song monthly special! omg! i love music so much and retro music has such a special place in my heart so getting to do that was so much fun for me! and i loved how it all tied in together for you with the cards and the song! for sure felt heaven sent! hehe thank you, spirit! and i do write whatever pops up! i just think it makes it feel more personal to you if all the details are added as much as possible! i'm so glad you appreciate that and i know you have nothing to worry about! you got this, honey!

omg congrats again on your new job! i'm so excited for you! and how the rest of the year goes for you, honey! and you got a lot of good things coming for you if i remember those cards right! woot! that's the kind of stuff i like to hear for yall! and i hope you've been really connecting to your heart space! i think it's really cute that it's connected to your room. heart is where the home is! lol

lol i'm not surprised! you have so many fire placements, honey! you can't help but burn hot! i know you'll figure out how to use your heat and fieriness though! everything is a balance game and i'm know you'll find your true balance with time! just you recognizing that it has happened in the past is already a good step in the right direction! woot!

aww? an angel? me? aww! you got me blushing! thank you so much, honey for this feedback! i truly appreciated every word!

love & light!

-tea

♡ message me for details/questions & to book a reading! ♡

[fractoluminescence]

For the AO3 wrapped meme! :)

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)? 12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year? 20. Which work of yours have you reread the most?

Oh! Tbh I reblogged this so as to not lose it and come back to it when I'd have more stuff posted (which is why it's got the fract resources tag instead of the featured tag) and was kinda expecting nobody to notice lol. The ask is welcomed tho <3

(Note: This got a lot longer than I meant it to be. Whoops)

3: Most of my works are currently unpublished - in the sense that I've been ambitious right off the bat, and have been working on the same WIP for roughly 7 years now. I like 'Blood Bank' (which is posted on AO3 and is an unrequited love AiShin Vampire AU I wrote in a rush for AiShin week this year - I'll need to copyedit it properly sometime lol), but otherwise the work I'm working on (currently nicknamed 'You Only Die Twice', but I'll likely change that name because it doesn't make as much sense now as it did when I named it that) is the one I'm the proudest of.

The whole thing started out as one big story called 'Isolated', but then I learned to plot about 2 years ago or smth and realized I was trying to write at least 6 different novel-length stories within one fic... So I've untangled them and now I'm working on them one at a time lmfao (at least now I know why I was struggling to write that massive thing so much ahahah, what a mess. At any rate, I've decided to only publish each of them once they are finished, so while the old Isolated from high school is still online I haven't posted anything of this fic series since).

I'm very proud of my characters (my main character in particular. She's the first OC I managed to develop correctly and actually like. That's a whole story though so not going into it here), but even more so of the structure I'm able to give the whole thing - it feels so good to actually know what I'm doing and have so many elements of the story just click into place like well-oiled cogs.

Also the story involves the SRDI so I get to write sci-fi-ish mad-scientist-sounding stuff hehehe.

---

12: So, I have YODT, as mentioned above. I also have a fic I wrote the first chapter of during AiShin week called 'Feed Me Love' to finish (it's a sort of mirror version of a friend's fic). And I have my other long project, an either novel or novella-long demon-summoning AU fic called 'The Summoner' (also AiShin) that is in the works, but I've set as a rule for myself to only work on it during periods during which I need space from YODT (which I currently don't, because I'm barely working on the latter, and this is the fault of my master's schedule because I only have very few hours of class a week and thus completely lost the habit I had of writing at the same hour every day after class that allowed me to make tons of progress last year. I can currently barely step out of my house and my sleep schedule is worse than it has ever been, including during periods when I was a lot more depressed than this).

I have a song I started revolving around Momo that's been going very well but that I haven't taken the time to work on since this summer, and a couple of poems that I'm waiting to be fully confident of before I post them anywhere that I might wrap up sometime.

I also intend to rewrite and finish the translation of one French fic I had started in high school sometime. Knowing me I'll likely start working on it again at the drop of a hat one of these days.

---

20: YODT, probably, since I fix plot-consistency issues as I go. Other than that, likely a poem of mine somewhere wins that one.

[locura-azul]

So last tuesday I had my first session with a therapist. The session felt a bit short even though it was 45 minutes long which seems pretty standard (I don't really know, it's my first time going to therapy. Yes I know I should have started going years ago). She had another client after me so it had to be cut short a bit abruptly. The focus was obviously the most recent difficulty, which was my isolation in Italy and how its extended into my return to the states. My main issue is that I'm suffering from a deep and profound loneliness. Honestly, I thought coming back for a little while wouldn't be so bad, but it's now become more than a little while and in all this time that I've been back I have barely seen any of my old friends due to the crushing conditions that capitalism puts on everyone in this country as well as other people who just turned out to not be the friends they claimed to be. I really hit a low the previous Friday, I wished I was dead for the first time since I was 20, it was really scary feeling that way again after so much time, after surviving many other hardships that we experience through life. At any rate, my two best friends are out in LA and Chicago which is super far from me so I obviously haven't been able to see them. Another problem is that I'm always afraid of being a burden on other people so I put off reaching out for help until I'm really teetering on the edge which is something I need to be better about. But yeah my therapist pretty much said, you're obviously a really social person and going from having and exceptionally active social life to have absolutely none whatsoever it's no surprise you are feeling the way you are. So she suggested I find some group activities I can sign up for to just get out and meet new people and socialize. I'm working towards that. I called my best friend in California that night in tears and told her everything that has been going on and it really helped a lot. We were on the phone for over 2 hours. She also encouraged me to find groups, that she had done the same after covid because she went through a period of real loneliness after the fact because covid exposed that a lot of people who she thought were her good friends were on the surface people and she needed to get out there and meet new like minded people. So I took a baby step, I went to the salon not only to get a much overdue haircut but also for that chatter you get at the salon with your stylist and the other clients there. Then I also solidified plans with one of the few friends I still have locally, and we got together and we were both super transparent about where we are at and what we are going through and it turns out we are both really going through it lol imagine that. We also both have the same fear of being burdens to others and have been struggling with loneliness. We decided that together we are going to find a hiking group to join to get out there and socialize more. We also are going to be more consistent about getting together and checking up on eachother. I'm interviewing at an old cafe job I've held in the past because I need to do something and it's also good in the sense I have to socialize a lot more in that job too. I'm going to get out of this alive. I have been through worse. I need to focus on the present for now and take each day one step at a time. Some big changes could be coming for me in the next few months depending on a few things but you can't live in the future, you can only live in the right now and try your hardest to keep going because if you give up now there will be no future to live through.