#this implies that angst that happens later is even sadder

[sztefa001]

YESSS LET'S GO WILD! >w< At some point TC says he can't find his newest Star x WJ fic and Star is so done and then is even more done when he sees Warp taped it to the door of Star's room. Star just dies inside as Warp and WJ are wheezing and TC is scolding them 'cuz tape damages paper ffs!

@curious-sootball @sztefa001

the idea that he ARRESTS him for it

no, but !! omg! what if its wheeljack's really elaborate descriptions (sometimes scribbles too) of how he oh so elegantly got kicked in the face during their latest fight - "and he has that neat thing where his canines show when he's in the middle of stabbing you" - then a whole paragraph about his legs and how they're very flexible and agile and in the tiniest script, on the bottom of the page, VERY very lightly scribbled "his legs are so feminine .. so its totally not gay for me to find them attractive .. i am definitely still straight"

[4dtk]

CAN YOU PLS MAKE AN NCT127 ANGST WHERE THEY SAY SOMETHING AND IT MAKES YOU CRY/STORM OUT AND THEY REGRET IT AND A VERY FLUFFY ENDING 😩

long, enjoy!!! also i did it in point form, bc i am Tired. hope you dont mind <3 ALSO it might be not be directly outright x member saying x thing soooo...

taglist: @goingbananasoverpotassium

→ TAEIL would probably laugh at a comment said by another member, either under his breath or out loud and your eyebrows crease when you look at him, eyes welling up with tears.

it was supposed to be like a nice tenth floor dinner, just the small lot of them since the other members didn’t want to join

apart from mark, bc of dream schedules, he would return later

it was yours and taeil’s turn to cook so you got the things ready and stuff and the members were excited to taste your cooking because taeil has always boasted about it to them

you figured it was a bad day for you, so there was just… something off with your cooking. even you couldn’t pinpoint what was the matter but the food just felt off

you warned them before hand but you could tell it was a little bad by the look on their face

but they were nice enough, and while they didn’t say it they kinda implied it. you cringed a little at how they worded bc it felt like a backhanded compliment, but you were too shy to talk back

you didn’t feel like it was ur place to

stuff like “i heard from taeil-hyung that your cooking is really good! maybe next time — don’t worry, (y/n)!” “maybe (y/n) is just having a bad day, everyone has those.”

you’re like :// but you’re still his partner, you know? these people have been with him for longer sooo

the dishes were done, being washed up and being kept and soon the members retired to their rooms

you stayed outside with your boyfriend though, just talking about the meal and how you weren’t too happy with the outcome and taeil comforted you, saying how it was fine.

mark came back and unfortunately didn’t know you cooked it, so when he was eating while you two were hanging out on the sofa, taeil could hear mark mumble something about the taste

“dang, who made this? kinda tastes funky. and weird too.” and taeil has to stifle a laugh bc the delivery was good but the comment was not it

poor mark is so confused too bc like why could he hear your sniffles and taeil’s calls out for you

this was kind of why you didn’t want to tell taeil, because you knew that he would have some trouble stopping the jokes or comments.

you don’t blame it, but sometimes you wished he would be more assertive sometimes.

there’s only a sad sigh that you let out before you escape into the safety of his room, slamming the door and taeil hesitates just a bit, going to the table to confront mark

mark’s widened eyes only make taeil feel more at fault, bc he not only failed to tell mark (which happened all so fast bc the man was so hungry after dream schedules), but also didn’t say anything (and almost laughed too)

mark also feels guilty but taeil doesn’t give another look before he stalks over to his room where you’ve locked the door, but you always have this habit of sitting against the door and taeil has the perfect method to apologise to you

he has this funny way of videoing himself and telling a lame joke that he found off the internet and even though you can hear it you patiently wait for the phone to slide under the crack of the door.

the lame joke didn’t do the trick this time, so you were still crying after he told it, but seeing the video of him telling the joke was so sad, like it wasn’t even delivered properly because he was pouting so bad and he said sorry like ten times after.

you pretended not to hear it when he was videoing but watching it back over again, you couldn’t help but laugh just a little.

“can you come back in...?” you video back and pass it back and taeil watches it and feels even sadder bc your voice is cracking :(

he wastes no time to get into the room soon tho and he tackles you to the floor to pepper your face with kisses

→ JOHNNY likes to joke around a lot, but sometimes he takes it too far and carries the joke for too long.

finally having a night to yourselves, you get settled in front of the TV to watch a movie that johnny picked out, and surprise, surprise, he chooses a horror, paranormal leaning kinda movie

now, you’re okay with those kinda movies (so sorry to the ones that aren’t bc damn i’m not good at them either), but this one just… rubbed you the wrong way

it was gory and less horror and the whole plot was so messed up but johnny made fun of you like he wasn’t screaming his ass off either and the whole buildup of the plot along with his teasing made you feel small

“oh my gosshhh, babe, are you really scared of the plot? it’s just fictional, don’t worry! big johnny here will be here to protect you!”

and soon you notice his relentless teasing wouldn’t stop and you just sit there, credits rolling and frown in your face and tears rolling down your cheeks bc the movie was genuinely scary, it was natural to feel scared and weirded out.

johnny turns to you to deliver another joke but only comes face to face with your hurt expression, tears streaming down your face and all and he takes a deep breath that is shaky and unsure and when he reaches out for you, you only recoil and it hurts johnny so much

but he knows you’re hurting more, with the things he said and whatnot that he just lets you cry it out, swallowing on the other side of the couch.

johnny takes the time to reflect, but not before putting on a video of your favourite creator or song or whatever you like to watch ya know (youtube recs come thru) and he goes into the room and you think he’s going to leave you alone, which is what you don’t want bc you’re scared as hell, but thankfully he comes back with some blankets and leftover snacks from his room and drapes it over you.

he wordlessly goes to make a hot drink and you just watch from the living room as he prepares something, a deep frown on his face when the water won’t boil fast enough or the hot cocoa drops from the packaging. he gets it done though

it’s his way of saying sorry, and soon johnny comes back to the living room, hands put together to beg you and his face plunged into the cushion you have on your lap.

he stays there silently, a small “sorry” making it’s way through when you don’t say anything after a harrowing 10 seconds, which felt like an hour to him

he’s pouting the whole night, even when you pick out a nicer, relaxing movie to watch and you say nothing as you brush your fingers through his hair as a way to tell him you accept him

he accompanies you everywhere now bc he’s afraid you’re scared, which you won’t admit but you are and you appreciate it especially when you’re going into dark places

→ TAEYONG would use other circumstances to blame things on you and say something mean in the midst of a disagreement

taeyong is level-headed in a lot of things, that’s what allowed him to be the leader of both nct and 127 while also taking care of himself. it’s a tiring job, so he finds solace in you when he’s not on schedule

he also doesn’t want to burden you, but sometimes you urge him to tell you the inside conflict of the boys (if it’s not too confidential ofc) just so you can help him if he needs any help.

there’s no pressure to tell you, you just like to help and taeyong does tell you sometimes, your views add on to yong’s and help him make a better decision than if he were to handle it by himself

one day he brings up an important matter that felt urgent and bad enough that he had to call, until the point that you had a good amount of missed calls. you were at work sooo you couldn’t answer it

and so when he’s explaining it to you, also keep in mind this is just a hypothetical situation lol

“what do you mean x member got their girlfriend pregnant?” and taeyong is like rambling off into your ear and you try your best to listen for the details. you’re worried bc it was a younger member too, probably trying to have some fun in the midst of schedules. you don’t blame them but protection would’ve been good

in short, you didn’t like the way taeyong handled it, “what do you mean you told it to the management?” “should i have not done that?”

“no! what the hell... yong! didn’t you say they might want to keep the baby?” “yeah but... telling management should come first. we don’t know anything about childcare, (y/n).”

telling SM vs not. it’s a mixed reaction between the group, but they just want the baby, the girlfriend and the member to be safe, preferably not in the eyes of the public

“there’s your mom! there’s over twenty of you, yong, that’s a lot of mothers to get advice from! even me, i’ll try my best to help. management would probably just blow this whole thing over and it’ll make fans go rabid! you-”

“i already did it!” oh man, it’s going to be hard. and you can already tell a lot of stress is put on taeyong to handle this. “you answered too late anyways.”

“so now i’m in the wrong?” he pins the blame on you for not answering fast enough. “you were wrong at the start and you’re in the wrong, now. SM said to tell them about these kind of situations!”

“oh my god, yeah but? this involves a baby!”

“you wouldn’t understand, no. i’ve been doing this shit for almost six years now, i think i rather listen to my own members than you.”

oohhh... that hurt. you hung up right away and promised yourself to keep in touch with another member to know about the situation.

what part of it did you not understand? you’ve been with him for years, what did you not get? yeah maybe you weren’t an idol but you know that yong would know about how quick SM would be to deflect any rumours and in turn bring the whole situation to light

you didn’t get how he could say something so shitty too, but, hey who are you to say right? after all you ‘wouldn’t understand’

you can’t help but feel sad for the member too and esp the girlfriend, how scared they might be in this.

well before you can dial kun or johnny or yuta you get a call from taeyong and something in you tells you to ignore it but you press the green button

he apologises profusely, different from how he usually does with a calm voice but bc this is you, his lover and partner and he had no right to talk to you like that

the argument doesn’t make you cry, but more of the making up period because you frown when he’s saying sorry but what makes you start to cry is how worried he is for the member

you aren’t in any place to judge yong’s stance on the matter either bc in the end all he wants to do is to keep the member safe, even if the method to do it was a little different

“i’m sorry, love. i’m so sorry. that was low of me.” and you apologise too, just two crying adults over the judgemental nature of korean netizens and you’re just genuinely scared bc this could ruin the member’s career.

you’re glad to hear the other members are consoling the member however so you relax a bit, just sniffling a little from the cry sesh

“we’ll get through this, right? both x member and me. you’ll help me right?”

“of course, yong, i’d do anything.”

→ YUTA is pretty naturally blunt and doesn’t realise he hurts you until he looks back up from whatever he’s preoccupied with.

yuta always loved bringing you out to shop, whether it’s to designer stores or the smaller ones in malls, you like to dress up for him to get his opinion on outfits

the yuta today was just a little annoyed, though and you didn’t blame him

there were some fans earlier than made him a little pissed bc they didn’t understand the concept of personal space. he was genuinely excited to bring you out today

in his get-up of a cap and sunglasses he silently curses when he gets caught and you can only offer a smile as the fans took photos and brought out their books for his autograph

later the item that he came out to get was also out of stock, so it added to the frustration, you think

at this point yuta just kinda wanted to go home, but he didn't want to burst your bubble so he brought you to one of those shops

you do the normal things like picking out clothes, trying them on, finding different combinations for whatever you could match and each time you come out to show yuta your outfits, he would just nod and look back down to his phone

you weren’t sure what he was preoccupied with, but you assumed it had something to do with work

here you are trying to make the most out of one date that you were able to get with him and he's throwing sort of a tantrum although silently

and so when you show him the outfit (“babe, look!”) that you’ve been planning in your head that you managed to pick out from the many choices of the shop, he only manages a “yeah it’s fine. could be better though.”

you weren’t angry per se, more of annoyed bc wasn’t he supposed to be enjoying the date with you? you know there were some unfortunate circumstances earlier but would it be too much to at least want that he return the same energy?

you’re confused and frustrated and you don’t say anything when you’re out of the changing room, returning all the clothes you’ve picked up and giving him the silent treatment

he’s confused too, now, but doesn’t think much of it when you don’t reject his hand

it’s not the best way to show your dissatisfaction but it’s only after a few good metres of a walk (into a more quiet street thankfully) that he wants to ask why you’re so silent, why you returned the clothes

and yuta wants to talk again but stops when he can hear sniffles in front of him, since you refused to turn around

and only then does he realise you’re crying and he racks his brain for whatever might’ve happened. was it the fans? was it him?

yes yuta it’s you

anyway you manage to voice out softly, about the bored look that yuta had no problem showing when you were excited about the date and yuta realises he doesn’t even know what you picked out at all

he can barely remember but it resembled an outfit you showed him the other day and he was like “shit.” “they wanted opinions and i just said that it could be better.”

and he remembers the non-stop texting from the newly employed manager who will not get off on his ass about the paparazzi and stuff, where you could get into an ugly situation fast.

yuta was pissed that he thought he would let anyone or anything hurt you and was just replying rapidly during the changing room debacle. it was bad timing

yuta explains it with a guilty look on his face, bringing you into a hug as he let you cry into his shirt. it’s not so much of a mean thing he said, just lack of communication and he feels so mean bc you were probably looking forward to this date like crazy too

cupping your cheeks, he offers a smile of consolation, wiping your tears away before pecking your lips.

“i’m so sorry, princess. let’s go home and make it up to you, yeah?”

→ DOYOUNG wouldn’t say anything to hurt you, but when he believes he’s right, that can get ugly.

it was just like a simple discussion about this particular subject while you love your boyfriend very much it was very obvious that he was wrong, at least in your book. it’s not so much of differentiating views bc i believe doyoung has to emotional maturity to see through your differences and compromise at least

this? this was hard cold facts and i’m sorry doyoung you are not the father unfortunately wrong, you stay girlbossing tho

you find yourself to be quite knowledgeable in it as well, but you assume doyoung doesn’t know and tries to mansplain (he’s literally the last person i hc to do this but this man is strong-willed when he knows he’s right. i guess he just misjudged it this time.)

tends to get sarcastic when you don’t get the things he’s saying and he kinda mocks you with his voice tone and everything

“doyoung, it literally says here!”

“no, no, i read this somewhere when i was young, it was from a book too, are you telling me i’m wrong?”

“yes, that’s exactly what i’m doing, why the hell are you so worked up about it?”

“why the hell are you so worked up about it?” he mocks, “i know i’m right.”

you roll your eyes and just like whatever right? just a small disagreement and you would have to probably see his side of the story if he’s insistent that he’s right. you’re ready to give him the benefit of the doubt, but then he decides to continue the argument with a snarky remark.

“well since you’re so smart, you would know _____, right?” can’t think of anything right now but he would bring up something that happened in the past just as an argument against you.

keep in mind doyoung is speaking from pure exasperation and anger rn so his rational mind is like dead

you sigh, just tired of this while thing bc it’s been going on for quite a while. i’m not sure if that’s enough to make you cry but it might as well make you cry later on in the privacy of your room because you didn’t think doyoung would be so childish over this

so when he sees that you’re not coming out even after hours he gets worried, his caretaker side takes over. did you have something to eat before you came over, or did you have clean clothes? he didn’t want you to sleep in your old clothes

many things are running through his mind and he tries to get into your door. locked.

you’re not one to stay silent (bc you have been for the past hours) so you quietly unlock the door and doyoung notices how pale you look and how sticky your face feels

he works out that you’ve been crying and his heart immediately breaks bc he knows he did that over a dispute that even if he was in the right, he had no right to talk and mock and challenge you and instead talk it out like adults

he immediately brings you into an embrace and you let him do it without fighting back bc you’re tired from all the crying. and now that you think back it was such a stupid thing go cry over. you should’ve stood your ground and confronted him about the way he replied but the deed’s done already

you can feel his apologies in your hair, softer than ever and full of love for you and this is the doyoung you fell in love with. he explained that it might’ve been pent up stress or frustration and while thankfully and fortunately it wasn’t a large argument, he was still incredibly sorry

offered to wash your hair and body and everything. whether it’s sexual or not is up to you but he just wants to be close to you. washes you up as another apology

didn’t let you go even in the morning, holding you tight in his arms

→ JAEHYUN i feel would try his best to talk his feelings out with you, but there’s instances where it’ll build up and it’ll erupt into arguments. the argument is not the main thing, but rather the stuff he says under his breath after.

the argument gains the attention of the other members who try their best to calm the whole thing down, but fails bc you’re two fiery, passionate people against the other

it can turn ugly when ur passion is used to anger

“didn’t you know about these kind of things before you agreed to date me? why are you complaining about not having enough time?”

“i know. i know! of course i fucking know, but this was our second year anniversary, jae! i understand that you’re busy, but you can’t just fucking ditch on a dinner i told you months ago!”

jaehyun shakes his head and the rest of them thinks is for him to calm down, but then he mutters something under his breath and you unfortunately catch it

“well yeah, then maybe you should leave so i won’t have to sacrifice my already non-existent time.” the younger members jaw drops and and taeil and yuta just shake their head, and jae knows he’s fucked up

it was more of anger mixed with sadness, bc you were crying but your mouth is screaming something he can’t make out and you’re leaving the dorm by then

he’s glued to the floor and jungwoo widens his eyes and purses his lips like “u fucked up, dude…”, but the rest of them just eggs him on to get you at least before you leave the lobby

he manages to, but your face is already so messed up that you don’t want him to look at you

jaehyun is the type to get on his knees, tbh. as small as the argument is, he hates that he made you cry and he doesn’t even say anything, but the drop of his knees to concrete is like a bell in your ears

you look back at him curiously and panic, bc what if they’re other people and they see this, y’know? thankfully it’s late at night

you don’t notice it at first bc his head is facing the floor, but soon you realise he’s crying too and is wetting the floor below you

“i’m sorry. i- i shouldn’t have said that, even if you didn’t hear it. i’m so sorry, princess.”

he sounds so sincere, and what makes it worse is that you don’t argue often. when you do it’s really noisy and chaotic, so when you apologise, despite whoever side’s right, it’s sincere

this one is too, but he looks absolutely and particularly sorry during this one and you only crouch down in front of him.

you make him look at you, cupping his cheeks in your hands and you only give him a pained smile, knowing that it was going to be hard navigating your relationship again, prioritising time, remembering dates and things like that

you exchange a look, jaehyun doesn’t react bc he feels like shit. softly, you peck his forehead, saying that “we’ll get through this together”

later he sleeps only if he’s buried in your chest, still saying sorries along with pillow talk and he falls asleep that way too

→ JUNGWOO would probably tell a joke light-heartedly, assuming the atmosphere was playful. he expected you to laugh and smack him in retaliation, but it was anything but that.

the dining table was jovial in nature and the main star of the show was jungwoo, excitedly telling everyone about something he found before when he was on a date with you

that date… wasn’t the best and you remember it so well because you recall embarrassing yourself in front of a paparazzi/fan who came up to ask for a picture, and it was weird bc why was there only this one person who was holding a DSLR?

well you didn’t think much of it, but you assumed that they wanted a pic of you two, bc you were already public as a relationship and well… she actually wanted a pic with her and jungwoo

had to figure out a whole DSLR, and while you were ok with cameras, the pressure of everything made you anxious

jungwoo brought it up in dinner with the boys, adding it on as a story that he told them and thought that you would just brush it off, and the situation itself is downright embarrassing, but jungwoo repeating it not just for you but for everyone to hear? oh man

you’ve already lost the appetite to eat, and all that, just uneasy with how easily he told everyone about the moment, and you don’t realise you’re crying until you taste the salty tears on your cheeks.

taeyong is the first to notice, using his eyes to signal to jungwoo but it’s only when the table quietens does jungwoo realise his mistake.

he opens his mouth to speak but you just leave the table biting your lip, leaving everyone dumbfounded and a little guilty for laughing. jungwoo isn’t sure whether he should chase after you, but hearing the door slam, he feels intimidated

he scarfs down the food as fast as possible, already going around the table to gather the things you liked so you wouldn’t feel so hungry. he timidly knocks

he doesn’t expect you to answer though, but the rooms are away from the living room so the members won’t have to see him sitting down and waiting for a reply. he calls out that there’s dinner again but it’s hopeless, it’s quiet except for your sobs that aren’t covered up very well

jungwoo ends up putting his head on the door, bowl of food soon turning cold as the guilt settles in him. he wishes the floor would swallow him whole but he at least wants to apologise to you properly first

you come out later to find him asleep, food spilled all over the floor bc he was set on giving it to you. the boys didn’t want to clean it up either, bc then you wouldn’t have seen the stuff he collected for you

taeyong would give him a mouthful laterfor spilling it but he’ll hold back for now

you sniffle when the door is open and jungwoo is up in an instant and already apologising to you.

mumbling “sorry’s” and “that was shitty of me” and whatever, bc he truly didn’t think much of it until he saw you walk off in sadness. worst day of his life

you quietly help him to clean up the mess, and bring him to the dining area so you could eat with him. it’s like 1am, everyone is asleep, but you just exchange small smiles between every bite as a way of reconciling.

→ MARK would probably not directly outright say it, but it’ll be something of not defending someone if they happened to say something about you.

it was probably a reunion and stuff, with two of his old friends and you had gone to the bathroom to freshen up

and you could faintly hear a finally but you don’t think much of it, but you could hear them talking, however inaudible it was

it’s only until you come out of the bathroom and one of them only shoots you an uncomfortable look b4 going into the bathroom, possibly to avoid the situation at the actual table

and when you get to the table, his friend won’t stop talking, and you can tell mark is getting uncomfortable, too, but is making no move to do anything

how bad can it be, right?

“you’re a kpop idol now, mark! shouldn’t you be going for the higher statuses? the prettier ones? i mean your partner’s nice, just, you could do better, man.”

you wish you had done something, but you could only manage to cry, which is so embarrassing bc it would’ve been more #girlboss of you to strut out of there after you tell him off or something

the words just cut deep, and the fact that your own boyfriend wasn’t doing anything hurt you more. if the other friend had left the table to “use” the restroom, then this must’ve gone on for long, already

you try to contain your tears but they flow freely, walking right out of the fast food joint to hide somewhere. you see, mark doesn’t want to hurt their feelings, bc he’s just naturally a nice guy. all he can do is muster up a glare and scrams from the table to find you

it’s bad, he can’t find you and the weather is getting colder and it’s a whole two minutes before he finds you in some place away from the fast food joint muffling your sobs

his heart drops bc what if you had been taken somewhere? that incident might’ve led to a larger one, all because his lips were sewed shut during the exchange

“i’m sorry, hey. (y/n), (y/n),” he calls your name and strokes the side of your arms, omitting pet names bc you liked it when he called you by your name. “i’m so sorry i— they were just friends that i cherished before and- i guess not any more. i didn’t know how to tell him to stop…”

your tears glisten in the moonlight and you shiver just as a gust of wind makes its way over

it’s the perfect opportunity for mark to get close by wrapping an arm around you, and while he knows it’s not over, mark smiles just a bit when you curl into him

“i’m sorry. i’m so terribly sorry, i hope you know that. you- hum, you don’t accept my apology if you don’t wanna— i understand-“

poor boy is speaking in chunks bc he’s unsure of what to say, but you let him take care of you for the night, not rejecting the confession on his bed later

→ HAECHAN can be blunt when he wants to, always joking around, but sometimes he doesn’t realise the weight of his words, i guess.

he poked fun at ur mediocre play, plus it was in a game that you weren’t even that skilled in because your main goal was to let loose.

ur day didn’t go that well, esp from the water that leaked in your bag to the disappointed look your professor gave you

“sorry about my partner, they’re not the best at the controls. they play only with their thumbs because they likes those rhythm games.”

you know how smtg small can fuck u up, as minute as the situation is? yea

once you hear the familiar laughs of his friends, it causes tears to stain your cheeks

it’s not the dreamies dw but u thought at least their friends wouldn’t have laughed so obnoxiously

like haechan makes fun of you often and you can take it but it just felt like the world against you

i don’t blame you, those moments are the worst, when everything isn’t going right

he doesn’t notice you storm out, but when he turns back to ask if you’re ready, you’re gone, stormed out the room

he panics and ignores the friends calling out for him and he’s at least able to catch your hand before you can leave the dorms

it’s so awkward bc the other members are there watching the whole thing unfold but haechan doesn’t care, just focused on apologising to you.

he traps you in his arms head hidden in your nape as he looks down at the floor and you can’t get your sobs to calm down

“i’m so sorry. i’m sorry, i know how you had such a shitty day. i’m so sorry, baby.” and you know he means it, bc he sounds like he wants to cry too but you just stay debating whether to leave him

you don’t want to tho, but you also don’t want to be in front of everyone so you just sniffle and drag haechan back into his room and you’re hesitant bc you’re sure his friends are still on the call

sweet ass bf bc he notices your anxiety and goes right into end the call. he would confront them later, but now he just wants to pamper you

you sigh and hide your face into his shirt, last bits of tears coming out and staining his shirt and haechan wraps his arms around you, muttering apologies into your hair

you played more two player and fun games after :D

that night haechan wouldn’t let you sleep until he hears an affirmative ‘yes’ that you accepted his apology

the next day he confronts his friends and cuts them off lol, no one but him is allowed to poke fun at you (and if you cry again he’ll definitely apologise)

[nanagoswife]

Please, Don't Go. - Chapter 10

Summary: We have entered the days of The Phantom Menace. These are a few snippets of the days before anything life changing.

W/C: 2.7k

Warnings: implied intimacy, fluff, angst, mention of violence

- - -

This time, you and the Jedi stayed in space instead of landing on another planet. This time, it wasn’t extended. Everything was quite uneventful, until a call came in.

“To the Trade Federation blockade of Naboo, you must go. Sneak through the blockade and deliver princess Y/N to Queen Amidala, our forces will. Negotiate, you must, Master Jinn.”

“Of course, Master Yoda.”

You and Obi-Wan had been listening to the exchange while playing a round of sabacc.

“Does he always talk like that,” you whisper to Obi-Wan.

He nearly spits out the water he had just sipped. When he managed to swallow, he did his best to keep his laughter quiet.

“Who? Yoda, or Qui-Gon?”

Now it was you who had to contain your laughter. He was delighted to hear it. These couple of days had been overly quiet. Sure, the two of you had talked often, and the same as Qui-Gon, but there was no laughter. A lot of it was reassurance, going over plans, and of confessing grief filled emotions.

Obi-Wan was there for it all. He didn’t care what it was about, he just wanted to be with you. He wanted to hold you as you fell asleep. Unfortunately, he hasn't been able to do the last one in these days. Someone now always had to be awake to ‘pilot’ the ship.

The previous night, you had come out to the cockpit with him. For a little while, the two of you were able to enjoy the other’s warmth as you both were on the floor, Obi-Wan’s head in your lap. You had stroked his hair and he was struggling to stay awake.

Now was a nice moment of downtime as you were finding out what was going to happen. The call to the Jedi originally had been to ask when they could bring you back, but it turned into a mission that you would now be joining. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t excited about seeing Padmé. Seeing the intricate way her security works would be an interesting experience to be graced with once again.

“Distracted by your arrival, they will be. Not notice the soon to be senator, flying by at the same time,” Yoda had said as your attention was finally brought back to listening to the plans. You were curious how you would get by. Now, you knew.

“Sounds like you get to do the fun stuff,” Obi-Wan whispered, but you groaned as you realized he had just one. He chuckled at your reaction. Would there ever be a day that you would beat him?

Obi-Wan had used your distraction to his advantage. Which, you guessed, was a perfect reason why Jedi always tell their padawans to never lose focus.

As you had promised, you slid over the single credit that you bet. Not wanting to actually gamble, the two of you only put one credit down for multiple rounds. Whoever had the most combined wins won. Obi-Wan somehow always pulled off the win. You would get close, as you two were tied often, but he always won the last round. One day, it won’t be like that.

“Y/N, Obi-Wan, time to get ready. We’re meeting up with another ship before heading to Naboo,” Qui-Gon cut in. The two of you only nodded and did what you were told.

-

“Y/N!” You were barely able to step off of the ramp before you were met with Padmé’s embrace. She was currently disguised as one of her handmaidens, which you were not shocked about.

Before this, Obi-Wan had been able to find a moment to give you a kiss before you parted to the other ship. Your mind was still lingering on the moment before landing.

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Padmé,” you greeted and returned the tight embrace.

The two of you usually talked often. That hasn’t been so for the last while because of your predicament. You were able to call her one day when you were back home, but it was only a quick conversation.

Both of you hugged the other for a few more moments. When you separated, there was a sadder expression.

“Is everything alright?”

She took a breath, “The Trade Federation just cut off all communications. We’re expecting an invasion shortly.”

You were shocked. Weren’t Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon up there negotiating?

Padmé saw your look, “They said that they never arrived. That only means one thing-”

“They attacked them.”

Your friend nodded in agreement as you finished her thought.

“Come now. We need to get you disguised. Are you alright with becoming a handmaiden for a day?”

You only smiled which was also returned. In a strange sort of way, you had hoped for this. Not the fact that Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan quite possibly could be hurt or the fact that Naboo was about to be overrun. You were hoping to be a handmaiden along with Padmé and the others.

-

Obi-Wan couldn’t help but think about you. He could only hope that you hadn’t been hurt and that you were safe.

As he was on the balcony, ready to jump down and free the queen and everyone else from the droids, he caught a glimpse of you. You were disguised as one of the handmaidens and you blended perfectly. He mentally thanked Padmé for that.

-

You don’t think you were able to hide the smile you had when you saw the two Jedi jump down. Padmé must’ve seen this because she gently nudged you with an elbow.

When the droids were dealt with, Obi-Wan’s gaze caught yours while Qui-Gon was talking and he flashed you a quick grin before turning back away. You knew he couldn’t get distracted now. You were, however, distracted by how looked while wielding his saber. You had yet to see him use it in this way.

Once your whole group got moving, everything happened so fast. You had no time to think, especially with blaster fire happening all around you in the hangar. All you knew was that you felt Padmé’s hand on your back, guiding you up the ramp of the ship.

You made sure just to stay with your friend. The Jedi were doing what they did best, and you didn’t know where else to go. It was a lot more of a bumpy ride getting away than it had been getting to Naboo.

Later on, the two Jedi had been addressing the queen, letting her know of the damage that had been done to the ship. You had never seen Obi-Wan this serious, but his hard expression softened as he let his eyes land on you. Wanting to comfort him, you smirked and watched as he relaxed a bit.

Once the discussion was over, Padmé pulled you along with her. She was going to clean the droid and she wanted your company.

“When were you going to tell me about you and the padawan?” She suddenly asked as soon as you were away from prying ears.

This took you by surprise and it clearly showed due to Padmé’s chuckling reaction. “W-What do you mean?” you stammered. If it was this obvious to your friend, then does this mean Qui-Gon knew?

“Oh, come on! It’s clear the two of you like each other just by how you look at the other.”

You felt as heat rose in your cheeks. She knew just by a few simple looks. You and Obi-Wan hadn’t even spoken to each other since you parted ways earlier and she knew. Yet, she was also the most perceptive person you knew but it still surprised you.

“You promise not to tell a soul?” You finally asked once Padmé started the cleaning of the droid.

“Not on my life. Now spill.”

-

Padmé listened with great amusement. There were a few moments where she had been so enamoured that she forgot that she actually was cleaning the R2 unit.

Of course, there were a few things you left out. Those were moments that you wanted to keep between you and Obi-Wan. Not that you didn’t trust your friend, it was just that private. Plus, that one night you and Obi-Wan shared, you didn’t think that your friend would approve. Even if she seemed like she would only cheer you on.

“I hope that nothing happens to you two. Is he going to leave The Order?”

“We talked about it, but I could never let him leave the only life he knows. He loves being a Jedi and I would never wish him to leave that just for me.”

“I feel like he would. He loves you, does he not?”

You nodded, but your opportunity to say any more on the matter was cut off as the door slid open. It revealed a Gungan with Obi-Wan just behind.

“Oh, I apologize. I wasn’t aware there was anyone down here,” Obi-Wan said.

“It’s quite alright,” Padmé was the only one brave enough to talk. She had a grin on her face as she looked at Obi-Wan. You didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or to refuse to react.

“May I borrow the princess? I need to talk to her about a few things,” he said with a slight blush on his cheeks after directing the Gungan, Jar Jar, into the room.

Your friend only nodded and you went to join Obi-Wan. As soon as the door closed, surrounding the two of you in absolute privacy, he kissed you along with pulling you close against him.

You melted against him. The two of you hadn’t been able to kiss in the last few days, and this was just a relief.

“I missed this,” you mumbled against his lips, not wanting to pull apart just yet.

“Me too,” he replied the same way. You didn’t know when the two of you would be able to do this next, so you were drawing it out for as long as you possibly could.

When you both had to catch your breaths, Obi-Wan kept his nose nuzzled next to yours.

The two of you were basking in every little touch while looking in the other’s eyes. Then, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Usually you would think it was out of content, but this wasn’t it. It seemed more worried.

“What’s wrong?”

He pulled his head away and opened his eyes, but kept your bodies pressed together. He couldn’t help but smirk at the thought of how well you could read him.

“Well, Qui-Gon is going out to get new parts for the ship alone. I trust him, but Tatooine isn’t a friendly place.”

“I remember the stories. I’m sure he won’t get tied up with the Hutts.” You brought your hand up and stroked his hair above his right ear. It’s a motion that you learned calmed him, sometimes to the point where he’ll get drowsy. For now, it was only for comforting him. It comforted you as well as you felt the soft strands.

Obi-Wan moved his head so that it wouldn’t interfere with your ministrations, but so that he could press a kiss to your wrist.

Now, he sighed, content. You never failed to ease his worries. Plus, he would have you with him while his master was out.

“I should go, my dear.”

You nodded and pressed one more kiss to his lips.

“I’ll see you soon.”

-

When both Qui-Gon and Padmé had gone, it left the little storage room empty at all times. Due to the sudden departure, the room’s usual use was obsolete. You had also found out that the Jedi didn’t know that Padmé was the one who left. They surprisingly didn’t know of the clever tactics that they use on Naboo. So, you kept quiet.

This storage room became your secret meeting spot. Obi-Wan wasn’t actually needed that much, other than keeping his comm on for his master. Other than that, the rest of the ship’s passengers would let him know if something was happening.

So, this was the room where you spent quality time together. You would often prop yourselves against the wall and lean against each other, or Obi-Wan would lay his head in your lap so you could play with his hair the way he loved.

“How’s Qui-Gon doing?” Obi-Wan had mentioned a few things here and there, but he generally stayed quiet. You knew it was because he was worried in his own way. To him, he would see it more as just a shift in the force. He would deny actually being worried until his dying breath, you thought.

Obi-Wan’s eyes met yours from his place in your lap. He shifted, which only caused his head to press more comfortably against your legs. It looked like he was trying to choose his words carefully.

“He met a slave boy that’s working to help us get the parts we need. Qui-Gon had sensed how strong the force was with the boy. So, he sent a blood sample to find out his midi-chlorian count. It was off the charts,” he said.

You remember him telling you about midi-chlorians. It was one of the things that you found the most interesting of all the Jedi lessons you’ve gotten from Obi-Wan.

Your eyes went wide, “What does that mean?”

He closed his eyes and tilted his head so that his face was pressing into your stomach. You couldn’t tell if he was trying not to say it, or if it was for extra comfort. His small, satisfied exhale told you it was comfort.

“There’s a prophecy about one who will be born with such a strong connection to the force. It says that they will bring balance to the force.”

“And Qui-Gon believes it’s this boy?”

Obi-Wan opened his eyes and did his best to look in your eyes without moving his head from its comfortable position. Then, slowly, he nodded.

“There is one issue,” he said quietly. You gave him an imploring look which caused him to lightly chuckle. “The Order usually starts training at an early age to help prevent attachments-”

“Ironic,” you couldn’t help but say it.

He moved his head back so that he could properly look at you with a smirk. You were very well aware that he too was taken into the order a little older than what they usually allowed.

“I’m sure any Jedi would be captivated by you, my dear. That is, if I hadn’t snagged you first,” he took your free hand and kissed your knuckles.

You giggled lightly as he fluttered his eyelashes against your skin.

“In all seriousness,” he continued, placing your hand against his chest, “I’m not sure the council will take him in because of it. That’s what I’m truly worried about.”

Slowly, you nodded, piecing everything together in your mind.

“What if that is what they say? How do you think he’ll react?”

Obi-Wan let out a huff of laughter, “He’ll probably still train the boy against their wishes.”

“What would that mean for you?”

He shrugged. “If they agree, that means I’ll probably take the trials. I’m supposed to soon, anyways.”

The hand that you were stroking his hair with rested on his cheek. He loved how soft your hands were. As he looked into your eyes, it was like they were smiling just like your lips were.

“My handsome Jedi,” you whisper. “You’ll do amazing, I’m sure.”

“Thank you, my love,” he replied, squeezing the hand that still lay on his chest.

Before anything else could happen, Obi-Wan’s comm beeped. He sighed as it was a matter that he actually had to tend to.

In response, you leaned down and he propped himself on an elbow as your lips pressed to his. This was a tactic to give him more motivation to do what he was supposed to. Even if he constantly said that he would rather just stay with you, which you did want. But he was needed for far more important matters than just to be with you.

Once again, he sighed. “Alright, darling. You convinced me.”

- - -

@stardancerluv @where-fantasy-meets-reality @jaydenwoo @madmax2003 @mackycat11 @generousrunawaydonut

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[qobiin]

those bluest skies above me

pairings: lan wangji & everyone (lwj&lxc, lwj&nhs, lwj&lqr, lwj&nmj), background nielan

genre: angst, fluff | dragon lan wangji au, pre-canon

warnings: implied/referenced non-con (concerning madam lan), canonical character death, injury, mild blood, shifting, scenting, lan sect being not so good

a/n #1: written for the MDZS Big Bang 2020! the title is taken from steven universe's "that distant shore" bc i feel it bodies lwj's thoughts about wwx perfectly. thinking of the dragon dynamics similar to how abo works will help you with understanding them, but to be clear: there is nothing sexual going on in this fic. madam lan's story has so many gaps that bother me a lot bc when i look at the gaps i see a backstory like the one i gave her here since it's just what makes sense when you really think about it. the non-con is only talked about somewhat in-depth in one scene and mentioned briefly across other scenes afterward. if you want to skip the heavier bit of it, stop reading at "Then why, Lan Zhan asks with his eyes." and pick back up after the art that minzi made to accompany this <3 hope you enjoy! 

words: 25291

summary: Lan Zhan’s memories begin from the moment he hatches out of his shell and meets his mother’s golden gaze.

part one of gentleness of light, escaping 

Lan Zhan’s memories begin from the moment he hatches out of his shell and meets his mother’s golden gaze.

He only has to take one look at her to know that she is the one who laid his egg. She is the one who made his comfortable nest, who sat with him every day until he was ready to hatch.

Even for a dragon, Lan Zhan is certain that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. Her scales glimmer under the candlelight. Dark blue, green, and brown surround him as her golden eyes glow.

A young boy sits on the edges of Lan Zhan’s nest but still within Mother’s embrace. He looks almost as beautiful as their mother, even if he isn’t in dragon form himself. There is an ornament tied above his eyebrows that gleams when he moves and matches the liquid silver of his eyes.

There is no mistaking that this small boy is his brother. He can smell his mother on the boy’s skin and in the air displaced when his dark hair moves. He can see their mother in the curve of his brother’s smile and the awe in his gaze as Lan Zhan finishes slithering out of the broken remnants of his shell.

Lan Zhan stares at them both, transfixed and loving every image his eyes relay back to him. He makes a rumbling sound in the back of his throat, feeling content and loving his mother and brother more than he could ever hope to describe. His mother mirrors his rumble and his brother’s brows furrow before his expression clears as he smiles again.

His thoughts at that time are fleeting and underdeveloped, his memories are crystal clear but hold no further insight. This is something that an older version of him will miss when his memories are only plagued by questions and doubts. For now, however, his mother helps him clean his scales then scents him thoroughly.

Her whiskers brush against his snout only once and when Lan Zhan sneezes, his brother laughs. His laughter is soft and tinkles wondrously in the air around them. As the sound begins to fade, Lan Zhan decides he will do whatever he needs to do so he can hear his brother’s laugh again. Mother wordlessly guides Brother through appropriately scenting him as well and Lan Zhan shivers under the soft human hands his older brother is trailing over his face and neck.

His sire is nowhere to be seen.

(Later, Lan Zhan will be grateful for this. For the moment, however, he focuses on spreading his scent all over his weyr in return.)

Gold and silver quickly become a favorite of Lan Zhan’s.

For the first two years of his life, Lan Zhan always remains at his mother’s side.

He sees his brother only once a month and decides very quickly that he dislikes how little time they get to spend together. Brother smiles and laughs often when he is with them but Lan Zhan gets the sense that this is the only time his brother smiles and laughs so easily.

Lan Zhan dislikes that too.

His mother is beautiful and warm despite the cold river that runs through all three of their veins. She is gentle when needed and appropriately harsh in her reprimands. Lan Zhan has much he wishes to learn and he does not begrudge the discipline she hands out to him when he does something unbecoming.

He is much stronger than humans. His brother, though as much as their mother’s son as Lan Zhan, only has one form which just so happens to not be a dragon. Lan Zhan has to be aware of his strength at all times lest he hurt Brother or any other human who does not deserve it.

Even if his instincts are not as strong as Mother’s, partly in thanks to his sire’s human blood diluting most of the traits she passed down, Lan Zhan strives to practice caution at all times. His inherited instincts also do not excuse him the few times he allows them to override his thoughts and Mother, though loving, does not hesitate to put him in his place by pinning him and growling until he submits.

In their weyr, Lan Zhan is not the Head. Lan Zhan is a Claw, and maybe when he is much older, he will become the Head of his very own weyr but that is not the case now. Neither Lan Zhan nor his Head is a fucanglong who takes their hoard and hides it from the world like a jealous lover, but Brother is the only Treasure in their weyr. It is expected of Lan Zhan to guard him as well as he can even if he is the younger sibling.

Lan Zhan pushes himself to absorb as much information as he can the first year after his birth. Many of the things he learns make him angry, others are simple facts he memorizes quickly to keep everyone around him safe. He practices his strength, practices not calling upon elements to do his bidding when his emotions threaten his control. He practices remaining calm, staying alert, and always being conscious of how much damage he could carry out if he were to ever lose himself.

Control is difficult, but Mother knows enough about his nature to direct his instincts and impulses where they are needed in order to keep him present and non-threatening. In both her first and second forms, Mother shines as bright as moonlight and Lan Zhan loves her as much as he loves Brother.

That is why it is easy for Lan Zhan to shift into his second form once a year has passed since he first hatched. For his weyr, Lan Zhan finds himself able to do anything as long as it benefits them.

He is much smaller than he is accustomed to in this new form of his, but when he sees the joy and relief in Brother’s eyes the next time he visits, Lan Zhan finds this development welcome. Brother can pick him up easily in his new form and he still kisses Lan Zhan on the forehead as often as he did before, rubbing a hand over his hair where his horns would usually be.

The gentleness that now accompanies his brother’s movements soothes the urge Lan Zhan has to bury so he does not suddenly shift back into his first form. If he were to shift too quickly, he could harm his brother and that is one thing Lan Zhan never wants to do.

Lan Zhan can walk without much difficulty in his second form but speech is harder for him. He sticks to monosyllables and pointing, for the time being, brightening each time Mother and Brother interpret him correctly. Even if his ability to speak is worse than most human children his age, Lan Zhan is content with being understood by his weyr.

His thoughts come slower to him as a human and he at first feels like he is going to burst back into his dragon form at any moment. It is difficult to remain in his second form, but after a fashion, Lan Zhan is easily able to consciously shift between both his forms. Mother’s golden eyes gleam with pride and happiness as Lan Zhan’s growth continues. Even when sadness begins to lie in the shadows of her gaze and scent, her pride and love for him envelop him in their midsts gently.

He does not understand why Mother grows sadder with each passing day until two years have passed since Lan Zhan first hatched. Brother visits them that day as he normally does but he arrives accompanied by a man who introduces himself as their uncle. Uncle explains that he will now be taking care of Lan Zhan and his brother full time instead of Mother and Lan Zhan is no longer allowed to stay with her in seclusion. The Clan Elders believe that Lan Zhan has learned most of what he requires to live a peaceful life without his draconic tendencies interfering and he shall now be brought into the Gusu Lan Sect good and proper to be raised alongside his older brother.

His instincts do not want to be far from the Head of their weyr. Lan Zhan himself does not want to be taken from Mother, but she is his Head and Brother is their only Treasure. He must protect him in their mother’s stead and if that means he is only allowed to see Mother once a month from now on, then so be it.

It doesn’t shock him that Brother does not look happy after hearing this news. Still, there is a sharp line of resignation in his shoulders that tells Lan Zhan all he needs to know.

If it were up to Brother, neither of them would ever be kept from Mother. Mother would be living with them wherever they wished to go just as long as they were together. Unfortunately, this matter is not being left to Brother so they will have to make do with what they can since it does not seem like the Head of their weyr will do something to keep them with her either.

Brother hands a box to Mother who opens it, angling it so Lan Zhan is also able to see the white ribbon identical to his brother’s own lying within. Lan Zhan kneels before her, both of them in their second forms as she ties the ribbon around Lan Zhan’s forehead. She fixes his hair and presses a kiss to the ribbon once she is done, the slant of her mouth loving and unhappy at the same time.

Lan Zhan pokes at the familiar clouds adorning his ribbon and nods, showing his acceptance of these turns of events.

He still cries that very night in his new shared quarters with Brother. He does not make a sound as he weeps, more than sure of the fact that he will be punished if anyone that is not his brother catches him at this moment. Just because he accepted being taken away from Mother does not mean he enjoys this. His acceptance does not change the fact that he is only two-years-old and is being kept from his mother.

Brother wakes only to slide into his new bed beside him and scent him until they both fall asleep with a shared longing for their mother inside their hearts.

Uncle does his best, Lan Zhan knows.

It does not change the fact that his instincts wail and weep to see the Head of his weyr every day. That one day a month is not enough to satiate the ache and longing within his four-year-old body to see Mother. That Lan Zhan is a Claw and is not ready to become a Head in his mother’s place just yet. That Lan Zhan still does not know everything he should to steadily curb his instincts until he has found a way to balance both sides of his blood.

Brother’s instincts are weaker than Lan Zhan’s own but he knows his brother still feels them within his darkest depths.

Lan Zhan is only allowed to shift back into his first form twice a week and he always makes certain that he is allowed to shift in the presence of his Head. He frequently finds himself schooling his expression so no one except Brother and Mother may know what he is feeling. He might not be as tall or as imposing in his second form as he is in his first, but that doesn’t mean he will make it easy for others to take advantage of him.

Many of the children close to his age tend to avoid him in the children’s hall because of his supposed lack of feeling. Lan Zhan doesn’t mind. He likes the distance kept between them, especially since he still has not tamped down the urge to shift into his first form when he is drastically startled. Knowing that the fragile, weak human children around him aren’t staying too close is comforting in case his grip on control ever slips. Nevertheless, Lan Zhan finds this unlikely to happen since he guards himself against his baser instincts with a viciousness that surprises his own mother.

It shouldn’t surprise her though. Not when considering the whispers trailing after him that the Clan Elders think he cannot hear. Lan Zhan has excellent senses, only further improved in his first form. Even when he accompanies Brother and Uncle to the cold springs far away from the areas most of the residents of Cloud Recesses pass through, he can hear the poison dripping from their mouths.

They want to show him off to the cultivation world. They want to use him as a threat against the other Great Sects. They want him to lose control so they can punish him and make an example out of him. They want to say, Look at what we did to this dragon and her offspring. Look at what we have the power to do to everyone with these dragons under our thumbs.

Lan Zhan is young. He is much too small in his second form when considering the way he feels. He improves in controlling what expressions flit across his face. He gradually enhances his ability to tamp down on his feelings instinctively calling out to the elements around him when he is overwhelmed. He is polite and cordial to Brother and Uncle in public, but as affectionate as he can be when they are in private quarters with no risk of being interrupted. He learns to meditate, learns about the reassuring joy of music, and picks up the guqin. Due to his golden core forming while he is still so young, Lan Zhan is now considered a prodigy in his own right.

Lan Zhan is many things, but he is not ignorant. He can always smell the terror that shadows every interaction people have with him and how they recoil whenever he moves too quickly or gives off an aura much too powerful for a newly turned five-year-old child. He is never able to disappear from other people's awareness no matter how much he wishes it. Because of this, he never once presents himself as anything less than the perfect Lan every disciple in his sect strives to be. Especially not where others are able to see and somehow use it against him in the future. His status as a prodigy only further alienates him from the rest of his sect members and as a result, loneliness is something he has quickly grown used to.

The three thousand rules that the Gusu Lan Sect is infamous for become his word of law, his guide in this dangerous territory. By all rights, Cloud Recesses is Lan Zhan's. He is the first dragon to be born here on this mountain, up high in the sky. By the rights bestowed upon him through his mother's blood, this makes the area his. Makes the people who live here fall under his jurisdiction and protection alike. Cloud Recesses should be his, but it is not.

The Clan Elders are the ones with the power here and Lan Zhan is not going to give them a reason to put him down.

When he explains this to Mother on his next monthly visit, she cries. She weeps and sobs and pulls him into her frail arms. He wants to remind her about the rule concerning excessive sadness but decides to bite his tongue. Now wouldn’t be the time for that.

So he lays his head against his mother’s shoulder and wraps his arms as far as they can go around her, holding her as tightly as she is holding him. The Head of his weyr crying brings him no joy or comfort, but Lan Zhan is at least glad that Brother fell ill yesterday so he would not be subjected to their mother's tears along with him.

"A-Zhan, my poor A-Zhan," she murmurs into his hair.

Lan Zhan understands that Mother is sadder than most, that her dragon spirit is slowly dying with each passing day she spends away from the earth and rivers that bore and nurtured her. It is why he learns as much as he can from her.

Mother tells him about the different kinds of dragons. Tells him that no matter what their different aspects may be, every dragon has a bit of fucanglong in them. She tells him Grandfather's name and that since he was a fucanglong, Lan Zhan will have more of that in him than others of their kind would. That she has much of her father in her no matter that she was born the same as her mother since she hatched in the roaring rapids of a river. That Lan Zhan is a shenlong made for the rain and clouds that frequent Gusu Lan, even if Mother herself is a dilong who misses the earth and her river and is not meant for the skies like him.

"You hatched on this high mountain and in these clouds. That is why you are a shenlong, A-Zhan. A dragon's being is determined by the nature they hatch in, not the nature they inherit from their parents," Mother says, her voice soft and clear despite her tears. "But never forget that you will also have a bit of me and your grandfather as well. You enjoy visiting the cold springs often, correct?"

"Mn."

"The cold springs settle the urges I passed down to you when there was nothing more than a delicate shell separating you from this world," Mother explains. "Water does my bidding, but both water and wind will do yours. A-Zhan, it may one day be the reason you fly. Not all shenlong do, not even most, but I have a feeling you are capable of it."

Lan Zhan nods, understanding this as fact. He knew most of this already and guessed the rest but hearing it relayed back to him from his Mother settles the feelings within him.

Mother smiles and presses a hand to his face, cupping his cheek tenderly. Lan Zhan blinks and suddenly feels the urge to cry as he realizes that while he may be able to indulge his safer and more basic urges, the Head of his weyr cannot. Mother is confined to this house hidden within the back slopes of this mountain with no river or large body of water nearby. The sitting room is only big enough to accommodate her first form if she coils up around the table they sit at for tea.

Why is she here in this house hidden high within the clouds?

"What's wrong, A-Zhan?"

Lan Zhan blinks rapidly up at his mother, opening his mouth to speak before he loses his nerve. "Why are you here?"

His Head sighs, her fingers now carding through Lan Zhan’s hair. “I am meant for the earth, for the firm press of dirt, the freshly tilled soil, and the winding rivers that always lead back to the sea. Not the sky. Not the clouds, winds, and rain that you are meant for, A-Zhan.”

“But⎼” Lan Zhan begins to say, not liking the implications of his mother’s words one bit.

“Let me finish, A-Zhan. This is not something I ever planned to tell you at your age but we are different from regular people. You are already beginning to understand your place in this world, and it would not be fair of me to never share with you how the circumstances of your birth came to be,” Mother speaks right over him, smiling when Lan Zhan meets her golden gaze with furrowed brows, both of them thinking of the rule forbidding one to interrupt others.

Lan Zhan huffs out a breath he will deny is a sigh and nods his head once more, eyes still locked onto his mother’s own. “Mn.”

And so she tells him. Tells him of how when she was still a whelp, Grandmother was captured by the Jin Sect and killed for her beautiful scales. That Grandfather was, understandably, furious about this but she was only sad and confused. That she never understood how humans could ever trap a being as powerful as Grandmother. That she did not think that could ever happen to her, especially not after Grandfather hid her with his other Treasures.

By this point in her story, her gaze is wistful and far-off. “Baba took us underground and hid us from the rest of the world for our own safety, but I was unhappy. I was still young and I ached for the rivers that ran above our heads. I wanted to explore and see this world for myself. I could not survive under Baba’s rules forever, so I waited. Baba left to hunt one day and I took that as my chance to escape. I had always planned to return, but now I will die without ever having Baba’s scent on me again.”

“Mother,” Lan Zhan rasps, his eyes already itching.

Mother continues, acting as if Lan Zhan has not spoken. She tells him of posing as a rogue cultivator for some time after first joining the cultivator world. How she used the money she received from the night hunts she completed to buy herself a sword. Forming a golden core wasn’t a task too difficult for her, just as it was not difficult for Lan Zhan either. Those like them are very intelligent and have always had enough patience to test even the Great Immortals the cultivation world attempts in vain to become.

Here Mother bends and presses an absent-minded kiss to his forehead ribbon, quickly resuming from where she left off in her story. “I was in Caiyi Town when I met your father, A-Zhan. He was young and handsome, but he smelled all wrong to me. He claimed he fell in love with me from the moment our eyes met, yet I have never loved him.”

Then why, Lan Zhan asks with his eyes. His Head sniffs, her eyes watering again.

She explains that not too long after meeting his father, she decided to try alcohol for the first time before she left Caiyi Town and moved on to the next night hunt that was calling her name. The inn she was staying in claimed their brew was the best in all the Great Sects. She believed it would be acceptable for her first try, so she ordered a jar with her usual dinner in the inn’s public dining area. One of the Clan Elders was there as well, sitting a table away from hers, drinking tea and doing nothing else. Mother says that she did not think anything of it at the time. She was more preoccupied with the alcohol being stronger than she had first been led to believe. Soon enough, she was intoxicated and stumbling around, trying her utmost best to return to her room by herself.

The innkeeper had offered to help her up to her room once it was quite clear that she was inebriated, but the Clan Elder insisted that he would do it instead. Mother only agreed because she knew she needed help and he had seemed friendly enough to her. But once they reached her room, he did not drop her off at her door like she thought he would. He refused to leave as she struggled to shift into her first form to defend herself from his attack. The alcohol had made it difficult to focus and she had been attempting to shift ever since she first realized the Clan Elder was not going to leave her alone as she had hoped. She knew there was a way to use her golden core to burn the alcohol out of her system, except the enormity of her emotions did not allow her to think clearly.

“I have never been able to forget that man’s face,” Mother says, her eyes wide and blown with the depths of her pain. “I planned to leave Caiyi Town not long after that until I found out I was with child. There was no doubt in my mind that man was the father.”

Lan Zhan does not know what to say. Since the moment he hatched, he believed he and Brother to be the results of his Mother’s strained marriage. Now he finds that to be false. Brother and he do not share the same, exact blood.

Knowing this somehow sparks a wave of insurmountable anger within him. The depth of the anger he can feel burning in his chest both terrifies and reassures Lan Zhan. He has never been angry before, not like this. Not to the point where it feels like his rage could swallow him whole and churn him back out completely changed. This type of response is unexpected, of course, but he finds it valid nonetheless. His mother was hurt, and his brother was a product of that hurt meaning, in a way, Brother was also hurt by this.

“Brother is not…” Lan Zhan decides to ask before he trails off as he realizes he is unwilling to finish his question.

“A-Huan is your brother,” Mother says without hesitation, her voice firm and leaving no room for doubt. “His father may have hurt me, but I love him as I love you. He is not your half anything, A-Zhan. A-Huan is your brother because you are both my sons. He inherited many of my physical traits in this form, so much so that no one would ever suspect you two of having different fathers. That is what your uncle said to me before he took A-Huan away.”

Knowing all of this somehow makes the angry, vicious pit in Lan Zhan’s chest feel all that much worse. He has always known that Mother’s seclusion had been forced upon her as a form of punishment. The full implications of this had never quite registered until now though. Lan Zhan could never pinpoint what rule she had broken that was severe enough to warrant her level of punishment. Rule-breaking and Mother had never gone hand-in-hand to him, not when both she and Uncle had been the ones to instill such deep respect for the three thousand Lan Sect rules within him.

Something was missing from the picture before and now that a part of it has been given to him, Lan Zhan almost wishes he had never paid attention in the first place.

“The Clan Elder…” Lan Zhan trails off again, unsure of what he means to say exactly.

Mother understands though. His Head has always understood him when his words tended to fail him. “I killed him for what he had done to me. It was mercy in my eyes. Baba would have done so much worse if he had ever found out. Others saw differently, however.”

She stops there for a moment, her gaze uncertain. Lan Zhan nods, determined to hear this through until the end. Even though he does not know what the Clan Elder did to his mother exactly, he wants to know if that man’s death is the reason Mother is imprisoned here. Mother takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, tears tracing down her cheeks silently.

“Your father was already the Sect Leader by that point. He convinced me to marry him. He said he would protect me and your brother. I agreed even though I feared he might do to me what one his sect’s elders had done, but your brother was already one of my Treasures by then, A-Zhan, and a Head keeps their Treasures safe,” she sighs, gently wiping Lan Zhan’s tears away with her thumbs. “I never understood the position Baba was in until I felt your brother’s heart beating within me. I knew he was not going to be enough like me to keep himself safe. He would be born mostly human and I did not dare shift into my first form lest it harmed him in any way. I had to keep him safe and no one believed me when I told the other Clan Elders why I killed one of their own.”

Mother is crying again, her words trembling as she rambles. “No one but your father and uncle accepted my words as the truth. Your father put me here and then secluded himself due to guilt and grief alike. I had killed one of his sect after all. No matter how awful that man had turned out to be, he had influenced your father and uncle a lot as they were growing up themselves.”

“Mother,” Lan Zhan whispers. “You need not continue.”

But his mother only shakes her head, pressing onward. “I had A-Huan here and only got to hold him for a few moments before he was taken from me. His monthly visits began at the same age yours did. He had never seen me before but he knew who I was from the moment our eyes met again.”

Her breathing is even when she says, “I decided to give your father a child some time after that. I am his wife in nothing but name, A-Zhan. It troubled me that this man who claimed to love me but I did not love in return would endure so much trouble and pain for my sake. I felt guilty, so I disrupted his seclusion in the middle of the night and made my intentions clear. He was unwilling at first but eventually agreed.”

Lan Zhan almost smiles when his Head’s nose wrinkles, a tiny scowl marring her tear swollen face. Her tears have stopped for the moment, but Lan Zhan is certain they may return soon enough when Mother says that his sire still smelled all wrong to her. She did not love him, no matter how much he loved her but there was something there within him that reminded her of the earth and rivers she had been kept from for so long.

She left before his sire woke up the next morning and later felt the urge to shift for the first time since Brother’s conception that very same night. She was hesitant at first, unsure of what could have been making her feel that way. Eventually, she gave in sometime after the curfew bells rang, still uncertain about what exactly was compelling her to do so.

“And what do you know?” Mother laughs then, the sound tired and small but still there. “An egg was trying to pop out of me! I was laying your egg, A-Zhan.”

Later she learned that his sire and Uncle had a small portion of dragon blood in them that could be traced all the way back to Lan An, Gusu Lan’s founder. For the first time in years, however, Mother was in her first form, making a nest for her egg after curfew.

Mother smiles then, something soft and loving in the curve of her lips. Lan Zhan cannot help but smile in return, reaching up to wipe his Head’s tears. She tilts her head down in his direction, golden eyes glowing with the warmth of her unabashed affection.

“Oh, you were so tiny in the beginning, A-Zhan. Your shell was so fragile that I worried myself sick those first few months thinking you would not make it, but here you are,” Mother says, cupping Lan Zhan’s face in between her palms as if she almost cannot believe it herself. “Here you are, my little dragon. My Claw and other Treasure.”

Soon though, her smile and the warmth in her eyes begin to wither. "I would have liked to tell you this when you were older. You are still much too young and I know this information will only burden and harm you in the long run, but I do not know how much time I have left and you deserve to know so you can keep our weyr safe. After I am gone, you will be Head, A-Zhan. You must keep your brother safe when I no longer can.”

She speaks up again before Lan Zhan can, looking straight into his eyes when she says, “I wish that I could have brought you into this world under better circumstances, that I could have brought your brother into this world the same way I did you. But I do not regret it. I do not regret having you two and loving you both as much as I do, A-Zhan. You and your brother are not only my Treasures but two halves of my Heart as well. Do you understand?"

Lan Zhan feels his breath catch. Does he understand? Yes, of course, he does. How could he not when being a Head’s Heart is so much more valuable than being their Treasure? Being Treasure means being well-protected, well-loved, and well-nurtured. Being a Head’s Heart means being a part of his Head’s very being. It means being loved down to the bare bones of his core with no exceptions.

It means being half the reason Mother’s heart could physically break.

Before he can talk himself out of it, Lan Zhan shifts into his first form and wraps himself around his Head. He purrs when she follows suit not too long afterward and they scent each other. Despite the new knowledge spinning in his head, Lan Zhan is happy to be here. Happy to be alive with the Head of his weyr, with the mother who loves him and his brother enough to do whatever she can for them.

Still, there is also the sadness and anger in him that he cannot shake. That clings to every breath he takes and lies in the shadows of his thoughts. He feels loved and guilty all at the same time and he isn’t quite sure how this can be.

What Lan Zhan does know without a doubt is that he is a Claw, Treasure, and half of a Heart. Brother is Treasure, the other half of their mother’s Heart, and from now on, Lan Zhan will protect him from this truth for as long as he can.

This would destroy his gentle brother and Lan Zhan is not about to let that happen.

Lan Zhan takes to the sky five years after his birth.

He has no wings, but it does not stop him from gliding in the air, skirting through the clouds he was born for. Sunshine kisses his scales as the wind blows through his mane, whiskers twitching as he loops around the mountain again.

It is peaceful up here in the sky with only the warm sun and biting wind to keep him company.

Down below, the Lan Sect members are bright dots clustered all over Cloud Recesses. The bravest of them wave their arms at him, but most turn tail to disappear indoors once they catch sight of him. Lan Zhan ignores them, eyes latching onto two bright dots standing near where he is certain he left his robes before shifting forms.

The thought has barely crossed his mind before his body angles downward and the air shifts until it is pressing him down gently. His claws skim the treetops briefly when he dips down low to land in the cold springs.

Despite their name, Lan Zhan has never quite felt the cold bite of these waters like his fellow sect members have. He lands gracefully on his first try in one of the larger pools with only a small splash and many ripples signaling his landing. Lan Zhan moves forward, using his legs to propel him to one of the shallower pools of water. Once there, he shifts into his second form and accepts the robes Brother hands him.

“How was it, A-Zhan?” Brother asks, the longing in his voice unmistakable.

Lan Zhan only pauses for a moment as he finishes getting his inner robes on before saying, “I will take you soon, Brother.”

Brother smiles, holding the first layer of his outer robes up. “Not until you’ve had more practice. It would be unfortunate if you were to tire yourself out halfway through our intended flight.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan acquiesces.

“Wangji,” Uncle cuts in then, drawing both his nephew’s attention as Lan Zhan finishes getting dressed. “How are you feeling?”

Lan Zhan mentally takes stock of his energy levels and the soreness located in his lower back. “Tired, but well, Uncle.”

Uncle frowns and beckons him forward. “Let me check. You have only just recovered and I know your arm has continued to bother you.”

Lan Zhan goes willingly. Uncle is strict and appears to be fussy all the time, but Lan Zhan is aware that is how Uncle shows affection. Of course, Uncle is not perfect but his faults are not enough to make Lan Zhan or his brother love him any less.

Uncle presses two fingers to Lan Zhan’s wrist, his other hand gripping Lan Zhan’s shoulder firmly to keep him in place. Lan Zhan leans into Uncle’s touch readily, head tipped back to study the look of concentration on his face.

It is unsurprising that Uncle is worried. After all, it was only a month before when the training accident took place.

(Lan Zhan is of the mind that it was not much of an accident at all actually, but the Clan Elders would hear nothing of it.)

Brother had been sparring with two older disciples in the sword training area while Lan Zhan spotted. Lan Zhan had not been worried at the time, Brother is very skilled in the six arts of cultivation but especially in swordsmanship. Sparring against older disciples is a habit of his brother’s, one that he indulged frequently. It was also somewhat of an unspoken rule in Cloud Recesses that if Lan Xichen draws his sword, then Lan Wangji will be found nearby ready to intervene at a moment’s notice.

Lan Zhan takes his position as a Claw very seriously. Brother knows this and huffs a bit when Lan Zhan stations himself nearby during sword practice but says nothing to discourage him from it. In a weyr, Treasures need to be protected at all times, no matter the cost, so it was not unusual for Lan Zhan to be present at that time.

Brother had been doing well against his mock-opponents. Too well if the frustrated looks on the older disciples’ faces were anything to go off of. Of course, Lan Zhan was also privy to the anger slowly building up in one of the older disciple’s scents.

As soon as he had caught a whiff of it, Lan Zhan’s hair felt like it stood on end. Something ancient struggled to spring to life in his chest, his senses focusing only on the spar in front of him. He had exhaled heavily, hoping to calm himself but left himself shocked instead as his breath turned to mist in front of him. Lan Zhan was unsure how that had come to happen but before he could think about it too much, the flash of a sword glare stole his attention.

From one moment to the next, Lan Zhan was standing in front of Brother, his unsheathed practice sword held out in front of him and his body caught between his two forms. His scales were all too clear around his neck and jaw, but none were found where the older disciple’s sword had just sliced through his arm. Lan Zhan had barely glanced at the blood seeping through his robes before he made a rumbling sound that lodged itself in the back of his throat and the disciples dropped their swords, scuttling backward in fear.

Even in his second form, Lan Zhan’s skin is tough and sturdy enough to not sustain most of the usual injuries normal children his age would receive. Brother, too, has this kind of protection and Lan Zhan is more than aware of that. It does not mean that they are invulnerable, but it does mean they are less likely to break when compared to others.

It still did not stop Lan Zhan from taking the blow that was meant for one of his Treasures.

If either of them were normal, that sword would have cut Lan Zhan deep enough to render his arm useless. If he had not stepped in, that sword would have run Brother clean through.

But Lan Zhan had. He had moved as quickly as the wind and put himself between his brother and the oncoming danger. He had stood there silently, uncaring of the blood dripping down onto his hand and staining his robes. He was in-between forms, but he had made no threatening moves in these boys’ direction, had not even unsheathed his practice sword. One of these boys had tried to draw his Treasure’s blood right in front of Lan Zhan’s very own eyes and he still did not lose control.

If Mother had been there, had witnessed one half of her Heart being attacked, there is no telling what would have happened. Lan Zhan, of course, still isn’t very sure he would not hurt those boys if he caught sight of them anywhere near Brother or Uncle again. There is a likely chance Mother would kill them if they approached Brother, but there is no chance that she would do so if they came near Uncle. Uncle is one of Lan Zhan’s Treasures, after all, not Mother’s.

(Brother told him that she, of course, approved of Lan Zhan’s actions and Lan Zhan’s claim to Uncle as Treasure, but her anger about the “accident” was not light.)

At that moment, however, Lan Zhan only pulled his arms back to his sides when Uncle arrived and placed a hand over his brother’s own on Lan Zhan’s shoulder. Before that, Lan Zhan had been contemplating whether it was worth it to break so many of the rules and hurt these disciples no matter what punishment awaited him.

Violence is not something Lan Zhan has ever taken joy in. He knows his instincts are capable of drawing bloodlust out of him and he also knows that his strength would be enough to harm anyone he wanted without trying. If he was that careless, however, he would be losing face for both his family and his sect alike. Mother and Uncle have not raised him to give in to his instincts so easily at the first sign of a threat targeting his brother. His self-restraint and control are stronger than that.

So Lan Zhan had exhaled and calmed himself as he allowed Brother to escort him to the healer’s hall while Uncle berated the older disciples for their recklessness. Uncle had gotten their side of the story, nose wrinkling when they claimed it was an accident and Lan Zhan was merely overreacting. Lan Zhan had heard all of that and had almost spoken aloud to mention the rule prohibiting dishonesty that they were breaking, but Brother had gripped onto his shoulder that much harder and practically dragged him away before more blood could possibly be shed.

Lan Zhan’s arm was cleaned and bandaged minutes after they arrived in the healer’s hall. The cut was shallow enough that it would be healed by the next day. Brother had still winced when Lan Zhan’s robes were peeled away to expose the wound though.

By the time the healers had proclaimed him healthy enough to leave, Uncle had come through the door in a flurry of robes and angry fussing. Lan Zhan had sat there with Brother as they explained what had happened and if Lan Zhan had felt something cold get stuck in his throat as he spoke, then that was neither here nor there.

Uncle had taken the issue to the Clan Elders and they had, unsurprisingly, sided with the older disciples instead of the Sect Heir. Lan Zhan felt sick just thinking of how far the Clan Elders were willing to go to punish their secluded Sect Leader’s wife, no matter if it affected their own Sect Heir and future or not.

The older disciples are now in seclusion for the time being. Both as punishment and protection.

Lan Zhan was not punished severely for his behavior, but he was still assigned to copy the rules ten times after his injury had healed. He had quietly and gracefully accepted his punishment, making sure each brushstroke was careful and precise before he submitted his copies of the rules to Uncle when he was done. He was also barred from seeing Mother and when Brother left to see her for their next monthly visit, Lan Zhan played all of Mother’s personal favorites on the guqin.

Sometimes when Lan Zhan found himself passing a Clan Elder in the halls, he would clench his hands into fists at his side until his fingernails had left crescent marks on his palms. He would also unknowingly grit his teeth as he thought of how close someone had gotten to harming one of his Treasures. Uncle had caught him doing so only one time and now believed that he was experiencing phantom pains in his arm when really, Lan Zhan was remembering the cold, hard fury that had rushed through him at that moment.

“Uncle, I am well,” Lan Zhan says as Uncle finally releases his hold on him and steps back.

Uncle’s mustache bristles with the force of his frown but nods. “There is no harm in making sure, Wangji.”

Brother chuckles beside them and Lan Zhan feels his lips twitch at the sound before his expression clears again.

Out here in the cold springs where only a select number of people would run into them, Lan Zhan is still careful to not allow his emotions to show. Not when their peaceful bubble could be disrupted by anyone in this very public space.

Even if Lan Zhan is not open with the full force of his emotions, this is good too.

When he is six, Lan Zhan lies coiled before the door bordered by gentians and waits.

And waits.

And waits even more.

He lies there with tears in his eyes, his lungs squeezing as grief chokes him. He will not move until the curfew bells ring when he must slither back to the room he no longer shares with Brother. Brother has not been able to build the courage to visit the Jingshi, but even if he can no longer see his Head, Lan Zhan refuses to leave.

That morning, he had woken up thinking today and had been so overcome with tears that a strong gust of wind blew open the door to his quarters. Lan Zhan had been quick to fight down the urge to fly into the sky and never return. Even if he no longer has a Head to depend on, he still has a weyr of his own depending on him now.

But the Head of his weyr is dead. Has been dead long enough for Lan Zhan to not bear thinking about it.

Lan Zhan is too young to become the Head of a weyr, especially the one he has just inherited. He wants Mother back, wants her to open the door, and let him back inside. Wants her to kiss his forehead ribbon and tell him more about Grandfather. Wants his Head to tease him until she has managed to coax a barely-there smile out of him. Wants Mother to cup his face as her golden eyes glow with the depths of her love, but now he will never be graced with the sight of her smile or the sound of her laughter ever again.

Mother’s scent still lingers here and there around the Jingshi, her scent the most saturated in certain points. When the wind blows, he can almost convince himself that the small gurgling stream nearby sounds like her laughter. The gentians she adored continue to bud even as the weather grows cold and Lan Zhan wonders for a moment if they will always be what surrounds his mother’s tomb.

He focuses on the remnants of her smell and waits. He will wait as long as he needs to, so long as Lan Zhan can cling to his last memories of her.

Mother dies and a piece of Lan Zhan dies with her.

He remains in his first form for a full month after her passing. In his second form, it is too difficult to catch the echoes of her presence at the Jingshi. In his first, he can still smell her, can hear her in the gurgling streams, and can feel her where his heart should be.

Brother does not speak much to him that month. Instead, he sits beside Lan Zhan in what was once their room and practices his music cultivation when the quiet becomes too much. He moved into a room of his own not too long before Mother left them, old enough at nine for the Clan Elders to approve the arrangement. Brother had been excused from his usual lessons after Mother’s death but had shown up for morning meditation early the following week, his signature smile fixed in place only dimmer than usual.

Sometimes Lan Zhan feels sick looking at the forced, gentle happiness his brother is displaying for the world to see. Other times, Lan Zhan is happy that Brother drops his mask when they are alone.

Lan Zhan ignores the meals Brother brings along with him. He can go a long while without eating in this form, does not even need to drink water as often as is required in his second form as well. He is aware that Brother and Uncle are worried, but he remains in his room and breathes every painful breath knowing that Mother is gone.

Excessive grief is against the rules, Lan Zhan knows, but he is not breaking the rules by doing this. To him, this is not excessive. This is justified.

How can it be considered excessive when he is six-years-old and just lost the mother who he had been forcibly kept from for most of his short life?

Mother had given up both her freedom and life just to make sure Brother would remain safe. Mother had gone to Lan Zhan’s father and made him within a night, had put together a nest, and taught him all he needed to know to also remain safe.

She had known what would happen when she agreed to marry the leader of the Lan Sect. She would be kept from the earth and rivers that were her lifeline and would die so her Heart would remain safe.

How is Lan Zhan’s behavior excessive? Her punishment was not considered excessive. Her treatment was not considered excessive.

No one has the right to claim his grief as excessive.

For once, Lan Zhan is glad of the distance that separates him from others in the sect. He revels in the fact that many members of the sect are terrified of him. It makes leaving him alone that first month easy.

After all, no one wants to risk the wrath of a grieving dragon.

Many of his fellow sect members believe it to be a fact that Lan Zhan’s instincts could take control of him and force him to harm them if they happened to reprimand him during this time. They remember that sunny afternoon in the sword training area when Lan Zhan took a blade for his older brother and had shown his scales to the two older disciples who had “accidentally” aimed too close for comfort during a practice spar. They are convinced that they know what Lan Zhan is capable of, especially in his first form.

Lan Zhan, of course, knows this to be false. He has spent years tempering his self-control, reigning in most of his urges, and perfecting his ever-present blank facial expression. These people do not know him and Lan Zhan is glad because of that.

By the end of that month, however, Brother leads him to Mother’s abandoned house. It is close to curfew, the sun already having fallen for the moon to take its place. Lan Zhan is uncertain of where Brother is taking them at first until he realizes they are following an all too familiar path Lan Zhan would be able to follow blindfolded if need be.

He walks in the halls but as soon as they have stepped onto the dirt path leading further up the mountain, Lan Zhan allows the wind to carry him where they are going. Brother keeps a hand on his head to keep him steady by his side, silent as they trek towards the one place Lan Zhan was certain Brother would never visit again.

As they come around the last bend in the path, they find a man standing in front of the Jingshi. Lan Zhan believes it to be Uncle until he catches a whiff of the man and realizes that it smells all wrong.

It is Qingheng-Jun.

Lan Zhan does not want to be here anymore. He wants to leave and return when this man is no longer standing in front of the place he imprisoned the Head of Lan Zhan’s weyr. The Jingshi was always going to be Mother’s tomb and he had to have known that when he secluded her here.

Brother feels him tense under his hand, but he only grabs onto one of Lan Zhan’s antlers and nudges him forward. Lan Zhan goes, unwillingly, but he still goes anyway.

“Father,” Brother calls out after they have come to a stop a few paces in front of the Lan Sect Leader.

When Qingheng-Jun turns to face them, two things happen. One, Brother bows. Two, Lan Zhan gets a clearer sense of his sire’s scent and growls in response.

Qingheng-Jun reeks of blood. Every inhale that brings his scent to Lan Zhan makes his stomach roll and his mind rear back. Lan Zhan wants nothing more than to pick Brother up and retreat, to curl away from the darker instincts that are begging him to get rid of the source of this smell. Instead, he bares his teeth and holds still, waiting.

He is aware that Brother freezes beside him, still caught in a low bow. Qingheng-Jun only blinks at him before he smiles and a low chuckle escapes him.

“That was your mother’s exact reaction the first time she met me,” Qingheng-Jun manages to say after he has cleared his throat and before he turns to Brother and places a hand over Brother’s clasped ones. “Ah, and no need to be so formal, Xichen.”

Brother straightens from his bow woodenly, eyes on Lan Zhan when he responds. “Father, I brought A-Zhan as requested.”

Lan Zhan’s gaze snaps to his older brother, betrayal the only thing on his mind. Brother winces and shrugs subtly, a tight smile on his face as he meets Lan Zhan’s eyes.

“Thank you, Xichen. I must speak with you both. Wangji,” Qingheng-Jun says, staring pointedly at Lan Zhan’s form. “Will you be joining the conversation?”

He stares pointedly back, waiting to see what Qingheng-Jun will say or do once he realizes that Lan Zhan does not, in fact, plan to join the conversation. If his Sect Leader orders it, then yes, he will shift into his second form. Nudity notwithstanding, Lan Zhan will not disobey a direct order from the official Lan Sect Leader even if he is Sect Leader in name only.

(Although, Lan Zhan isn’t technically bothered by the nudity aspect either. He can smell his robes hidden in the qiankun pouch Brother is keeping up his sleeve. Brother knew what Lan Zhan would decide before he even brought him here, yet he is prepared for any outcome nonetheless.)

But if his sire is asking, then Lan Zhan will remain as he is. He knows filial duty is another rule he is meant to follow, but after breaking one, what is another? He does not want whatever this man is attempting to offer now that it is too late. Maybe if this man had ever visited him, had ever cared for him. Maybe if this man had never left the responsibilities of a father and Sect Leader on Uncle’s shoulders, had ever checked in with them once to see how they fared. Maybe if he had ever left his seclusion while Mother was alive, Lan Zhan would have given him a chance, but the Head of his weyr is dead and Qingheng-Jun has never been a part of their weyr and he will never be who Lan Zhan calls father.

When Lan Zhan was much younger, he struggled with these feelings. When Mother told him about how her marriage came to be, Lan Zhan realized he did not consider Qingheng-Jun as a part of his family. Yes, his mother’s imprisonment may have spared her life when the Lan Sect Leader first decreed it, but it only delayed the inevitable in the end. Lan Zhan can appreciate that he was given life half in due part to Qingheng-Jun, but a person does not become a parent simply for making a child. Caring for a child and nurturing their mind is what makes someone a parent.

That is why, so long as Uncle lives and breathes, Lan Zhan will never consider another man as his father.

Qingheng-Jun must realize this because he sighs and continues as if Lan Zhan’s stubbornness is of little to no surprise. Lan Zhan allows himself a brief second to feel smug about this before his attention returns to the conversation at hand.

“Father, why did you decide to come out of seclusion now?” Brother asks, his voice sounding no different than usual except for the slight tremor of uncertainty Lan Zhan knows Qingheng-Jun is not picking up.

“You misunderstand. I have merely taken a brief break from seclusion to see you both. I will be returning after this,” Qingheng-Jun explains. “I wanted to speak to you two about your mother.”

Lan Zhan rumbles out a displeased sound, unsure of what to classify it as. Brother stiffens beside him again, his smile strained. Their Sect Leader smiles once more, his scent smelling something like nervousness as he hesitates.

“What about our Head?” Brother rasps.

Before Lan Zhan can think better of it, he is pushing his antler more firmly into Brother’s hand. His goal is to distract him, to get rid of the pain and sadness in his scent that he rarely ever allows to show clearly on his face. Maybe Lan Zhan never smiles or expresses much of anything with his own face, but Brother’s ever-present smile is a mask all on its own as well.

Qingheng-Jun raises a brow in question. “Your head?”

A low growl escapes Lan Zhan once he registers the way Qingheng-Jun mispronounces their mother’s title. The syllables sound distorted coming from his mouth, the weight of them all wrong in the air between them.

“Head,” Brother corrects him, a wrinkle between his brows. At least Lan Zhan was not the only one who disliked his words. “Mother was the Head of our weyr. Now… A-Zhan is the Head.”

“Do you use their terms because you also feel those urges?” Qingheng-Jun asks then, his silver eyes glinting for a moment as he tilts his head to the side.

Lan Zhan does not like the edges their Sect Leader’s question is trying to hide. They feel too sharp, too loaded with an assumption he finds himself bristling at. Brother runs a hand down his snout, wordlessly asking him to calm down. Lan Zhan listens. His Treasure is asking something of him and Lan Zhan answers, pushing down the indignation he can feel building up from the tips of his claws. His emotions are easier to read in his first form since he has more practice concealing them in his second. He needs to improve on that soon.

Brother’s smile is tight again, his silver eyes heavily guarded. “I use these terms because I am a part of this weyr, Father. I was Mother’s Treasure. A-Zhan was our Claw. Now he is our Head and I am still Treasure. Uncle, too, is another Treasure.”

You are not a part of our weyr, is what goes unspoken.

Lan Zhan could cry from the happiness springing to life in his chest. He had always known that they shared some of the same instincts, but to hear Brother explain this so simply and succinctly to an outsider ⎼ because that is what Qingheng-Jun is. That is what he will always be while Lan Zhan is Head ⎼ soothes him down to his core.

No matter what, Brother is on his side. Even if he tricked him into meeting their Sect Leader out here after curfew, Brother is still on Lan Zhan’s side.

“I apologize,” Qingheng-Jun says when the echoes of Brother’s words have faded in the darkness around them. “I did not mean to offend either of you or the memory of your mother. I loved her, after all.”

It takes Lan Zhan a moment to realize he is not the one who growled in response to Father’s apology.

Brother’s teeth are bared, his silver eyes flashing in the moonlight. Rage, hurt, and sadness rolls off Brother’s skin in waves, but Lan Zhan does nothing to stop him. Brother has never been able to shift between forms but here under the light of the full moon with his Sect Leader and the Head of his weyr as the only witnesses, Lan Zhan thinks Brother may be able to reach the in-between point of his forms one day.

“How can you still claim that?” Brother manages to say, his voice unsteady, but Lan Zhan is more than able to hear what Brother is not saying, You secluded her here knowing she would die. You removed yourself from our lives entirely just so you would not have to see her wither slowly away and still claim that you loved her?

In the recesses of his mind, Lan Zhan is shocked that Brother would ever say anything meant to be contrary against their Sect Leader. He has always thought of his brother as more forgiving than him. When Qingheng-Jun has been mentioned in the past, Brother would visibly perk up with interest, soaking up any information he could about their absent Sect Leader. Lan Zhan was careful to remain indifferent. After all, why should news of a man he has never met matter to him?

Now though, with his brother truly angry and close to confronting their Sect Leader, all Lan Zhan feels is pride.

“Xichen, do you know why your mother was in seclusion?” Qingheng-Jun asks, his voice so terribly light that Lan Zhan feels the vicious urge to bite him.

Brother shakes his head, now trembling with the force of his anger. Lan Zhan nudges his snout into his side, scenting him in the hopes that it will help him settle. Qingheng-Jun only sighs, folding his arm behind his back as he begins to speak.

He tells Brother everything. Everything Mother had glossed over and implied to Lan Zhan a year ago is laid down at his and his brother’s feet.

Lan Zhan knows the moment Brother has come to the same conclusion Lan Zhan did about their different parentage when he abruptly pulls away from Lan Zhan’s touch. His hands curl into fists at his sides, his trembling now doubled.

The pain and horror in his brother’s scent punch the very air out of Lan Zhan’s lungs. Saltwater joins the mix of smells hanging in the air soon enough and Lan Zhan aches with the need to comfort his Treasure.

Qingheng-Jun finishes shortly after that, staring at them both as he waits. What for? Lan Zhan has no idea but he must realize he will not receive whatever it is because soon enough Qingheng-Jun is stepping away with a pained look in his eyes.

“This old one apologizes, but you both deserve to know,” their Sect Leader says before he nods in Lan Zhan’s direction and turns to disappear further up the dirt path.

Lan Zhan watches him leave, eyes on his back as the darkness swallows him whole. Brother’s shaking begins to subside as Qingheng-Jun goes, his body loosening of its own accord slowly.

Brother falls to his knees once Qingheng-Jun is no longer in sight. Lan Zhan finds himself shifting into his second form to kneel beside him without thinking. Even if it is unseemly to kneel when naked, Brother is in pain and it is Lan Zhan’s job to protect him. He was never supposed to learn about this, not this way.

It does nothing to change the fact that his brother is hurt now.

“You knew,” Brother chokes out. “You knew.”

Lan Zhan nods, opening his mouth to speak before Brother rushes to speak first. “Why did you let me believe that lie, Wangji?”

The use of his courtesy name is what finally cuts Lan Zhan. Brother has been calling him A-Zhan since he hatched and has never cared for whose company they may be in when using the endearment. Lan Zhan was a Claw and Brother a Treasure, but that did nothing to change the fact that Lan Zhan is his little brother.

“You are my brother,” Lan Zhan says without hesitation. His voice is raspy and hoarse from disuse, but his words are sure and steady. “You are my brother.”

“Half,” Brother murmurs, “Half-brother.”

Lan Zhan shakes his head furiously, reaching out to grab Brother’s shoulders. Relief floods through him when Brother does not pull immediately away.

Mother’s words go through his head at that moment and for lack of a better thing to say, Lan Zhan echoes them, “You are not my half anything. We are both our mother’s sons.”

Brother leans into his touch then, tears still streaming down his face. “That is not how the rest of the world will see it.”

“I am not the world,” Lan Zhan responds. “You are my brother.”

“You’re going to be stubborn about this, aren’t you?” Brother asks after the silence between them has become too much.

Lan Zhan nods.

Brother stares at him for a moment, his tears crystalline under the moon as they cling to his lashes. Eventually, he reaches into his sleeve and pulls out his qiankun pouch. Lan Zhan stands and allows Brother to dress him, twisting and turning where he needs to so his robes lie against his skin perfectly. Brother fixes his hair and guides Lan Zhan’s hands through tying his ribbon.

He is not Lan Zhan’s parent, spouse, or child but he is Lan Zhan’s brother. They are not allowed to touch each other’s forehead ribbons, but they can put their hands over the other’s and move them where they need to go so their ribbons lie straight. It is a system they developed soon after Lan Zhan was taken from Mother and the fact that Brother is still willing to treat him the same as he did before means more than words could ever say.

“When did Mother tell you?” Brother asks, eyes elsewhere as Lan Zhan brushes his robes down.

“Last year,” Lan Zhan says, glancing up when Brother inhales sharply at his response.

Brother grips his shoulders and meets his gaze, tears springing to his silver eyes once more. “She should not have done so, Wangji. We are children who should not know of this until we are older. You especially should not have been told this before I was.”

Lan Zhan blinks in confusion, not understanding. “Mother did not tell me everything, but I knew we did not have the same fathers. Besides, I was a Claw and now I am the Head. I am supposed to protect you.”

Brother shakes his head and pulls him into a hug, clinging to him with all his strength as tears overcome him again. Lan Zhan holds on, hands no doubt wrinkling Brother’s robes but uncaring of that as his Treasure’s scent sours with sadness again. It is clear that Brother is willing to work his way back to how they used to be, but this revelation is too new and unsettling for either of them to act as they normally would.

Even though Lan Zhan is certain that they will get through this, Brother stops calling him A-Zhan for some time after that.

Now that Lan Zhan is back in his second form, the Clan Elders decide to keep him under close observation.

When Lan Zhan first returns to his regular classes, he is surprised to note the seven Clan Elders standing in the back of the classroom. As far as he had been aware, the Clan Elders were much too busy to bother with the education of the junior disciples. In fact, Lan Zhan would go as far as saying the Clan Elders do not care about any of the disciples unless they have broken an important rule or disgraced the Gusu Lan Sect in a very public manner.

So to see them sitting in on his classes immediately puts Lan Zhan on edge. He can barely pay proper attention to the lesson one of Uncle’s favorite assistants is lecturing them about, not when he can feel more than just the Clan Elders’ eyes on him.

For once, Lan Zhan finds himself despising his usual seat in the front of the classroom.

It takes Lan Zhan longer than usual to realize he has been called on and he feels his ears grow hot as he both dully recites the proper answer and tries his best to ignore one of the Elders huffing loudly in displeasure. None of the other junior disciples make a sound but Lan Zhan can smell the amusement in their scents well enough to feel embarrassed.

He maintains his perfectly proper posture anyway and forces himself to pay better attention to the lecture. During the noon meal hour, he will find Brother and confer with him about this. See if the Clan Elders have been dropping in other classes as well or if this is targeted at Lan Zhan alone. A way for them to say that they have noticed his recent behavior and now that it is safer for them to confront him, they will if need be.

Lan Zhan is nothing more than a child, but he has always known the Clan Elders are cowards. Only cowards would demonize a woman killing the man who violated her. Only cowards would give that woman a death sentence of her own, claiming it to be the just thing to do when it is anything but. Only cowards would confront a six-year-old child when they believe they have the advantage.

Perhaps they do have the power and the right to put him down but Lan Zhan is not his mother. Mother made certain that Lan Zhan would have many more advantages than she ever did, advantages he and Brother would both have even after she was no longer in this world.

The Clan Elders may have imprisoned her, but they did not strip Mother of all the political power she gained by marrying their Sect Leader and providing him with two Sect Heirs. They would need a powerful and unshakeable reason to strike one of their own Sect Heirs down, a reason the entire cultivation world would not fault them for.

At least, that is how Brother explains it to him later as they are leaving the central mess hall to attend their afternoon classes.

"Do not give them a reason, Wangji," Brother admonishes him when they come to a stop before they go their separate ways for class. "Embody the perfect disciple they desire so much. Get them to grudgingly accept your position here by whatever means necessary. They will never be fair when it comes to you or me, but that does not mean we have to make it easy for them either."

"Mn," Lan Zhan nods, bowing to his brother before he turns on his heel and leaves.

At the sword training area, four Clan Elders stand on the sidelines, safely out of any unpredictable young child's sword swing. Lan Zhan barely spares them a glance as he gets into position and waits patiently for class to begin.

For the better part of a month, Lan Zhan's classes are shadowed by a handful of Clan Elders. None of them speak a word to anyone present, but they make their disapproval known through loud sighs and disparaging grunts.

Lan Zhan learns their scents well and avoids them in the hallways whenever he happens to come across their trails. The few times he catches their scents too late, he shoulders their thinly-veiled complaints on the "ghastly sight" of his scales and the "childish behavior" he is much too old for now.

None of them will ever say it outright but Lan Zhan knows they wish to punish him for his so-called excessive grief which is why they are now hovering over his shoulder, watching his every move in the hopes that he will crack under pressure. Lan Zhan is made of sterner stuff than that though.

He is a dragon. He was born for the sky and clouds that blanket their mountain. Water and wind do his bidding alike. His Treasures accept him as the Head of their weyr without complaints.

He is his mother's son and his grandfather's grandson, Lan Zhan will not break under the weight of the Clan Elders' scrutiny.

This becomes more than clear the longer Lan Zhan is kept under their watchful eyes. He takes Brother's advice to heart and becomes even more of the perfect disciple he had always strived to be, first for his Mother's state of mind and now because he refuses to allow his feelings to be used against him.

Dragons and the Lan are alike in the way that they show their true feelings through everything except their words. Lan Zhan is both, so whether big or small, his actions are twice as potent. His emotion-fueled behavior will not be what takes him from his Treasures.

Brother lost one Head already, Lan Zhan refuses to let him lose two.

(Two weeks later, Lan Zhan wakes thinking today before he remembers. He spends the remainder of the day with a fierce ache burning through him as he kneels in front of a familiar door.)

Lan Zhan takes one glance at Nie Mingjue and thinks, Claw.

Nie Mingjue is a stranger to him in all rights. Brother has talked about him constantly when he began attending the guest discipline lectures, always with a softer version of his usual smile on his face. He tells Lan Zhan everything he learns about Nie Mingjue, never leaving any details out. Brother's scent tends to swell and ripen with the force of his fondness and admiration for the older boy but Lan Zhan says nothing.

Talking is not one of Lan Zhan's particular skills. Others may regard him as eloquent, but that is solely due to the fact that Lan Zhan only speaks up when he is certain of the words on the tip of his tongue.

So it is unsurprising that even though he says nothing about the thought that crosses his mind when he finally meets his brother's friend, Brother notices anyway.

Maybe it is because of how intensely Lan Zhan studies him when the older boy isn't looking. How he sniffs the air as he analyzes the way Brother and Nie Mingjue's scents are complementary to one another. Or perhaps how Lan Zhan not-so-subtly reaches out and grips Nie Mingjue's nape to scent him into the weyr.

Honestly, Lan Zhan has no idea how Brother figures it out so quickly but he accepts that Brother will always be one step ahead of him regardless and leaves it at that.

Nie Mingjue takes his strange behavior in stride, stiffening for only a moment when Lan Zhan first comes into direct skin-to-skin contact with him. Lan Zhan waits until the older boy has relaxed under his grip before reaching out and taking his left hand. Slowly, he pulls it towards his face and presses his cheek against Nie Mingjue's palm briefly then steps back and puts the appropriate amount of distance between them again.

Brother is smiling, amusement twinkling in his eyes as he steps forward and smooths a stray lock of Nie Mingjue's hair back into place behind his ear. "Wangji has decided that you are a part of our weyr now, Nie-gongzi. Welcome."

"I don't know anything about dragons, Lan-gongzi," Nie Mingjue admits, his face wrinkled with confusion. "I would not wish to offend you."

Lan Zhan squeezes Brother's elbow, silently urging him to talk in his place. If Nie Mingjue truly wants no part in their weyr, Lan Zhan will accept that without complaints. He will not hold the boy to something he can not personally be a part of.

But if the only problem here is a lack of knowledge, then Brother can be depended on to remedy that quite successfully.

(Lan Zhan personally wants Nie Mingjue to accept his role as a Claw in their weyr because he can already tell that there will never be another person better at protecting Brother than him.)

"I can teach you all you need to know and anything else you wish to learn about us," Brother assures Nie Mingjue.

Nie Mingjue raises both his brows in surprise. "Us?"

Brother's smile does not falter but Lan Zhan can tell without looking that it is dimmer than before from the tone of his voice alone. "I may only have access to this form I am currently in now, Nie-gongzi, but I am my mother's son just as much as my brother is. We share her blood and a few of the same urges she passed down. On top of that, Wangji considers me as one of his Treasures and he wants you to be our Claw."

"And what is a claw exactly?"

Lan Zhan and his brother wince in unison at the older boy's pronunciation. They both relax as Nie Mingjue chuckles at their reactions, his face softer and looking less severe than it has during this conversation so far.

"Claw," Brother corrects him, emphasizing where it is needed so Nie Mingjue can understand. "A Claw is a protector of the weyr. They keep Treasures safe, act as enforcers when our Head demands it of them. Wangji is the Head of our weyr and Grandmaster Lan is another Treasure."

Brother pauses there for a moment, turning his head to meet Lan Zhan's gaze. The corner of his mouth twitches, his right eyebrow slightly elevated as he tips his head ever so slightly to the side. Lan Zhan allows his stony expression to soften as he nods, humming his verbal agreement to leave Brother with no doubts about his decision. Brother's smile wobbles before it evens out again, blushing a very soft pink that Lan Zhan is certain no normal human would ever be able to notice.

"In other words," Brother turns to Nie Mingjue with a firmer grasp on his emotions. "My brother wants you to protect his Treasures."

Nie Mingjue blinks at them both, his scent spiking with embarrassment and pleasure all at once. Lan Zhan watches him closely, meeting his eye when the older boy's gaze lands on him. He knows this is very sudden and a lot to ask of someone he has only officially met today, but Nie Mingjue is Brother's closest friend and Lan Zhan's brother does not have very many friends.

What Lan Zhan knows of Nie Mingjue he has learned from Brother or through his reactions in this encounter alone. For normal human beings, this is not enough to entrust someone else with what they value above all else, but it is more than enough for Lan Zhan.

Besides, it is more than obvious that Brother intends to court Nie Mingjue in due time. Perhaps when they are both a few years older than they are now Brother will begin the courtship through subtle maneuvers before presenting Nie Mingjue with a jewel that is worth just as much as the bond between them. It is the ways of old, ways Mother never got the chance to experience herself, and ways Lan Zhan will make certain Brother experiences when he considers himself ready for them.

"Then it seems that I was already unofficially a Claw before your brother offered the position to me, Lan-gongzi," Nie Mingjue breaks the silence with, his pronunciation still off but better than before.

Brother lets out a startled laugh in response, his blush darkening further as he grows flustered. Lan Zhan feels his lips twitch with the urge to smile as admiration and amusement bubble up within him.

Nie Mingjue smiles then, his scent twisting until it is less surprised and more confident. "I would still appreciate being taught anything you wish to teach me before I accept. I would not wish to offend either of you after you have already trusted me with so much."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hums, stepping forward with his hand outstretched.

He finds himself smiling when Nie Mingjue ducks enough to press the crown of his head into Lan Zhan's palm. Not a smile like Brother or others generally wear on their faces, but a smile nonetheless.

Nie Mingjue is not a part of their weyr, but he will be soon.

While Nie Mingjue is in Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan learns how to ride a sword.

He absolutely despises it.

Having to fly by way of his sword instead of controlling the winds in his first form frustrates him. His instincts do not agree in the least with having to step on a thin sheet of metal and using his golden core to keep him in the air.

Almost as if Bichen knows how Lan Zhan feels about flying on it, he often falls from his sword. Many of the junior disciples he regularly trains with have either already mastered flight by sword or are close to it.

Lan Zhan is the only nine-year-old who cannot remain stable on his sword. The Clan Elders do not let him forget it.

As soon as word had spread that the sole dragon of Cloud Recesses was struggling to fly on his sword, the Clan Elders descended on Lan Zhan quickly. They linger in the back of his lessons again, beady eyes glued to Lan Zhan.

Nie Mingjue finds him on an afternoon the disciples have been given free time to do as they please. Lan Zhan is once again attempting to ride his sword, his jaw tight as his teeth refuse to unclench. Brother is not with him, something that Lan Zhan finds strange as he registers his Claw’s scent approaching but does not acknowledge until Nie Mingjue is standing on the sidelines of the sword training area.

“My Head, what are you doing?” Nie Mingjue asks after they have bowed in greeting to one another.

Lan Zhan keeps his gaze on Bichen, embarrassed that his Claw will be witness to one of his weaknesses. It has not been long since Nie Mingjue accepted Lan Zhan’s offer of being a Claw. Less than a month has passed since then and now Nie Mingjue will learn of how childish Lan Zhan really is and will be ashamed of being in his weyr. He will want to leave their weyr because Heads are meant to be strong and in control, but Lan Zhan can’t remain on his own sword for more than an incense stick’s worth of time before falling off.

Among the other disciples and his teachers, Lan Zhan is labeled a prodigy. Many praise him for his ability to do anything that is taught to him. He masters techniques children his age are not introduced to until they participate in Uncle’s year-long lectures. His golden core is powerful and he has been able to fly without a sword’s assistance for almost four years now. Riding his sword should not be as difficult as it is making itself to be.

Nie Mingjue waits patiently for an answer, brows pulled together in confusion as Lan Zhan holds his unsheathed sword up. He sighs quietly, resigning himself to the shame he will undoubtedly feel in full effect after Nie Mingjue has left him alone again.

“Flying,” Lan Zhan supplies. “I keep falling.”

Understanding dawns across his Claw’s face, his expression clearing quickly. “I see. What seems to be the problem then?”

“I dislike it,” Lan Zhan says, studying Bichen intently as if he has never seen his own sword before then. “I despise it,” he clarifies when Nie Mingjue’s confusion returns.

“Because you can fly on your own without your sword, correct?” Nie Mingjue asks, head tilted to the side in thought.

Lan Zhan nods, still refusing to meet Nie Mingjue’s gaze lest his shame be too great.

Nie Mingjue’s laugh startles him into looking up, blinking furiously as their eyes meet. Lan Zhan can see and smell the amusement Nie Mingjue is sporting at the moment, but he can also make out the fondness in his Claw’s scent as well.

“Well, it seems the only way to fix this is to continue practicing,” Nie Mingjue states as he claps his hands together once then steps down into the sword training area. “I will catch you if you fall, but do not allow your frustration to be your downfall. I struggled with learning how to fly my saber as well.”

At fourteen, Nie Mingjue seems much too wise and intelligent for his age but considering what Lan Zhan is, he has no room to talk. Instead, he hums his agreement and clambers onto Bichen again and again. And again and again, Lan Zhan’s Claw catches him every time he falls off without fail.

They do not stop until Lan Zhan is able to ride his sword longer than two incense stick’s worth of time without falling while Nie Mingjue smiles at him from below.

That is how Brother finds them, pausing as he watches Nie Mingjue lead Lan Zhan through his wobbly landing.

As Lan Zhan’s feet plant themselves firmly on the ground once more, he happens to look up in time to catch a glimpse of one of Brother’s rarer smiles. The type of smile Brother only shares privately, the genuine one that Lan Zhan would not hesitate to go to war for.

His Brother’s happiness means more to him than life itself and as the Head in their weyr, there is nothing Lan Zhan would not do for his first Treasure.

“Wangji, Nie-gongzi,” Brother calls out to them.

Lan Zhan does not miss the flush that rises to Nie Mingjue’s nape as he turns to face Brother, stumbling into a hasty bow as he greets him. Brother’s smile turns softer at the sight, amusement and fondness glimmering within the depth of his silver eyes. Lan Zhan watches them interact for an incense stick’s worth of time before he speaks up to excuse himself.

He reaches out to them both to scent them as he passes by, something bright and airy filling his chest up to the brim as they scent him in return.

Lan Zhan cannot be the terrible Head he believes himself to be if his weyr is happy. They are all young, after all, and they all have the opportunity to grow.

They will be fine.

When Lan Zhan is eleven, Uncle gives permission for Brother to embark on his first night hunt.

Brother is almost fifteen and very strong, but Lan Zhan worries for his Treasure every moment that he is gone. Lan Zhan had petitioned Uncle so he could accompany his older brother. Uncle had only shot him down easily.

The Clan Elders would never have allowed it, after all, and Lan Zhan does not want them to keep him from his first Treasure.

It soothes him when he learns Nie Mingjue will also be on the night hunt. His Claw will protect his Treasure. Nie Mingjue would never allow harm to befall Brother. Lan Zhan can breathe easier knowing his weyr will remain safe, but he finds himself growing restless as the days drag along.

Lan Zhan studies and trains diligently, keeping to himself as much as he always has before. Uncle sits with him for dinner every night but during the day, Lan Zhan is alone. The disciples still keep their distance from him, still tend to watch him from the corner of their eyes when he is anywhere nearby. They duck under awnings or doorways when he takes to the sky and they give him a wide berth of space if their paths ever intercross in the halls.

On the fourth morning Lan Zhan wakes after his brother's departure, he makes a point of not running to Uncle's room once he realizes that Brother's scent on him is beginning to fade. He stops in front of Brother's door on the way there, inhaling his Treasure's scent deeply before moving on again. It is still early but not early enough for the halls to be devoid of others and Lan Zhan does not wish for whispers of his odd behavior to reach the Clan Elders' ears.

Uncle is still in the process of getting ready for the day when Lan Zhan knocks on his door, so Lan Zhan kneels by the entrance and waits patiently. His posture is as perfect as it always is and his expression appears calm but his heart is thudding painfully away in his chest with each moment that passes.

"Wangji," Uncle calls from behind his changing screen. "Would you like some tea?"

Lan Zhan finds himself nodding before he remembers that his uncle cannot see him. "Yes, Uncle."

Uncle makes a noncommittal sound and emerges from behind the screen soon after, looking as polished and pristine as he always does. Lan Zhan drinks in the tranquil image of his uncle, fists clenched over his knees as he continues to kneel.

Lan Zhan watches as Uncle sends for a tea set and goes about preparing their usual blend of tea leaves when a disciple sets down a tray on the only table in Uncle's sitting area. Uncle beckons him forward, motioning to the empty space across the table from him and Lan Zhan keeps his movements measured and serene as he sits.

When the tea is done and Lan Zhan has finished pouring it into their cups for them, Uncle reaches across the table and cups Lan Zhan's cheek gently. "Deep breaths, Wangji."

He follows his Treasure's reassuring words and exhales heavily, inhaling deeply after a moment's pause. Uncle's eyes remain on him as he gradually calms, Lan Zhan's face still cradled within his palm.

There is an ache Lan Zhan has not been able to fully ignore since Brother left, one that demands his Treasures to be near at all times. But under Uncle's steady gaze and his familiar scent surrounding him, Lan Zhan pushes that ache to the side and focuses on the here and now.

"Brother's scent," Lan Zhan murmurs before an incense stick's worth of time has passed, eyes kept closed as he leans into Uncle's touch.

Uncle hums with understanding and allows his fingertips to brush the area behind Lan Zhan's ear, ensuring that his own scent will linger on Lan Zhan's skin throughout the day. "You may enter Xichen's room to take something with his scent on it, but do not linger. It is impolite to enter someone's dwelling without their knowledge."

Lan Zhan moves his head in a motion that could be considered a nod.

"Xichen will return in two day's time, Wangji. Be patient," Uncle admonishes, gripping Lan Zhan's shoulder with his free hand before pulling away and motioning towards their untouched tea. "Let us enjoy our tea and share our breakfast before we depart for the day."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hums.

They drink their tea and eat their breakfast quietly. Lan Zhan remains calm for the rest of the morning but when he ducks into Brother's room and tucks a pair of his more favored robes into his qiankun pouch, the itchy feeling from before has returned. He has no time to reacquaint himself with Brother's scent before morning meditation begins and struggles to reach that zen state in between full awareness and unconsciousness Lan Zhan adopts for these sessions.

He skips the noon meal to return to his room and unceremoniously shove his face into Brother's stolen robe.

Brother's scent is a balm, easing him back into the serenity Uncle was able to draw out of him that morning. Lan Zhan refolds Brother's robe when the noon meal is almost done and settles it carefully on top of his bed then leaves. He manages to reach the central mess hall and quickly gulps down a bowl of rice before he’s off to his afternoon lectures.

Uncle scents him again at dinner and Lan Zhan sleeps easier that night.

Two days later, Brother returns just as Uncle said he would. They call him Zewu-Jun now and every member of the Lan Sect bows deeply before him as he passes. Brother has been raised since birth to fulfill his role as the Sect Heir, yet it is only now that Lan Zhan looks upon him and sees the bright future Gusu Lan has to look forward to.

Brother comes back with a title he feels he does not fully deserve and the cultivation world's eyes set on him. He looks tired with light purple shadows under his eyes that Lan Zhan mentally frowns at until they finally have a chance to be alone. Lan Zhan welcomes his Treasure back, returning the robe he took in exchange for Brother's natural scent now that he is by his side once more.

"When it is your turn to debut," Brother tells him later that night, a hand running through the ends of Lan Zhan's hair. "I will be by your side, A-Zhan."

Instantly, Lan Zhan feels his heart constrict in his chest and his eyes prick with the telltale sign of his tears. Brother has not called him “A-Zhan” for five years now. Five years too many if Lan Zhan were to ever be asked about it, but he has not so he kept his silence. Until now.

He turns and surges forward to wrap his arms around Brother's shoulders. He holds onto him tight, burying his face into his older brother's hair. Lan Zhan inhales deeply, uncaring of the tears now spilling down his cheeks as Brother's familiar smell of ink and wet stones surrounds him.

"A-Zhan," Brother sighs against the top of his head before he too is holding onto Lan Zhan with what feels like the majority of his strength. "A-Zhan."

"Mn," Lan Zhan hums in response and closes his eyes, feeling warm with the force of his brother's love and his own love for his brother.

When saltwater mixes into his brother's scent, Lan Zhan only holds onto him tighter and says nothing. Words are not his specialty and never will be. They do not come as easily to him as they do his brother, but that is fine.

Lan Zhan does not require the uncertainty of words for Brother to understand what this moment means to him.

Each year Lan Zhan spends without Mother is another year his love for Brother grows tenfold.

When he wakes up on a certain day every month thinking today, he kneels in front of the Jingshi door until Brother comes to collect him at nightfall.

Each time Lan Zhan sees Brother smile, he thanks his mother for bearing and loving them to the full extent that she was able to.

When Lan Zhan thinks of Mother, he remembers her with the pain of his grief lessening ever so slightly until it no longer festers like an untreated wound.

Some days, Lan Zhan does not think of her even once. Other days, all Lan Zhan wants is to be able to see his mother again. He no longer dreams of her, but he smiles to himself even as his heart twists when he plays her favorites on Wangji.

He has forgotten what her laughter sounds like, has forgotten how rich and full her scent was when it lied on his skin, but he will never forget that he was half of her Heart and she loved her Heart until her dying breath.

Lan Zhan is almost thirteen when he meets Nie Huaisang.

Earlier in the month, Lan Zhan was surprised when Uncle informed him he would be joining the party departing for this year’s Discussion Conference held in Qinghe Nie. He had not argued, had simply hummed to show that he was aware of Uncle’s order and packed accordingly.

The journey had not taken long, but Brother remained steadfast by his side. The usual easy smile he always wore when Nie Mingjue was involved was gone, his form rigid and stiff beside Lan Zhan.

A few months before, Nie Mingjue had become the Nie Sect Leader after his father died. Lan Zhan had been able to glean enough details to know the former Nie Sect Leader’s death was no accident. Lan Zhan was also quick to put the rest of the pieces together, now fully understanding why Uncle ordered him to come along.

Lan Zhan knows without a doubt that if it were up to Uncle, Lan Zhan would have been freed from the Gusu Lan Sect shortly after being born. Even though he did not care for Mother, Uncle would have found a way to get them both out if he could. The Clan Elders still regard Brother with subtle distaste, but Lan Zhan's existence remains to be a well of bitterness and greed for them. As much as they despise him, they are none too keen on removing him from the sect.

Now that the Wen Sect has proven they are unafraid to strike down a Sect Leader, the Clan Elders intend to use Lan Zhan’s presence at this Discussion Conference as a show of power. They want the Great Sects to look at the delegation from Gusu Lan and see the beast that is always lurking in the depths of Lan Zhan's being.

The death of Nie Mingjue’s father not only preys upon the Clan Elders’ desperation but upon Brother’s betrothal proposal to Nie Mingjue as well. When they were both nothing more than Sect Heirs, Nie Mingjue could have possibly married into the Lan Sect and have his younger brother take over in his stead. Now that Nie Mingjue is Sect Leader and Brother is close to taking the title himself, the chances of a marriage between them being approved by either of their sects are low.

That will not stop Lan Zhan from trying.

When they arrive in Qinghe, Nie Mingjue is there to welcome them. His eyes never leave Brother’s face and Lan Zhan grits his teeth when his Claw’s scent becomes riddled with the same longing and sadness that shadows Brother's every step.

Brother does not spare Nie Mingjue more than what is polite greetings and small talk as Uncle directs the flow of the short conversation, quickly leading their delegation to their rooms. Lan Zhan can smell the sadness surrounding Brother all too clearly and wants nothing more than to scent him as a distraction, but they are in public and it would not do well to draw attention to the Gusu Lan Sect before the official proceedings have begun.

Lan Zhan plays all of Brother’s favorites on Wangji, glancing up from time to time to take stock of Brother’s expression. He smiles at first, his attention focused on Lan Zhan’s playing, but he is overcome with sadness again by the second song.

Three songs later and Lan Zhan can no longer be so far from his first Treasure when Brother is like this.

“Brother,” Lan Zhan says, “If possible, I would take on your responsibilities.”

“The Clan Elders would kill you first before they allowed you to be Sect Leader, A-Zhan,” Brother replies, spikes of anger now curdling in both his expression and scent. Lan Zhan knows his older brother well enough to recognize the anger is being directed at the thought of any harm befalling him and not at Lan Zhan himself. “They would make it look like an accident so none of them would have to admit to breaking the rules and submit themselves for punishment, but we both know this to be true. I cannot give you a death sentence for my own selfish reasons.”

Lan Zhan cups his older brother’s cheek, the corners of his mouth twitching downward. “Love is not selfish.”

Brother mirrors him, his palm large and calloused from swordplay but still remaining one of the softest things Lan Zhan has ever felt. “A-Zhan, love itself is not selfish, you are correct. But tell me how could I ever live without you? How could I leave the sect and you for dead all for the sake of love that I feel for someone who is not of my blood?”

The frown on Lan Zhan’s face is small but clear enough to show his displeasure with Brother’s words. “He is a part of our weyr. He is your mate. I am willing to shoulder your responsibilities to the sect, Brother.”

“I am not,” is all Brother says before he refuses to speak any longer on the matter.

The next day Lan Zhan is determined to say something more, to add to the subject, and change his brother’s mind. He wakes at five and washes up quickly, dressing in the traditional five layers of robes every Lan is expected to wear. He had long since turned his nose up at any fabric that was not silk or lace a long time ago, greatly disliking the way other fabrics tend to irritate his skin.

Mother had smiled the first time he admitted his discomfort towards the robes Brother used to help him put on when he was younger. She shared the same sentiment, stating that she had allowed only the softest of blankets and fabrics in Lan Zhan's nest and on her person. Brother too usually wore clothes that were on the softer side, but the texture of the fabrics did not affect him as considerably as they affected Lan Zhan and their mother.

Lan Zhan stops his thoughts in their tracks there. It has been many years but Mother's death still hangs over him like a dark cloud, bringing both sorrow and metaphorical rain to him. He directs his attention towards getting ready for the day, ignoring the grief he can feel in the depths of his heart.

After dressing, Lan Zhan does his hair, fixes his forehead ribbon so it lies straight, and goes to find breakfast. The meal is not the same as the one he is used to in Cloud Recesses, but it is acceptable and filling nonetheless. After that, he trails behind Brother, intent on convincing him to ask for Nie Mingjue’s hand in marriage, yet Brother knows him all too well. He avoids speaking with Lan Zhan at every opportunity, keeping his gaze away from both him and Nie Mingjue. Uncle is Acting Sect Leader, but Brother is the Sect Heir, and where Uncle goes, Brother is not far behind him.

Lan Zhan is not old enough to participate in any of the competitions being held, but Brother always manages to place first or second in all of them. He watches the competitions by Uncle’s side, aware of the many eyes on him from Sect Leaders and regular everyday servants alike. He fights to show no reaction the first time he catches Wen Ruohan's scent, choking down the bitterness of it all. Uncle makes sure to always keep himself between Lan Zhan and the probing gaze of Wen Ruohan.

Every time the jewel on Wen Ruohan's forehead makes a sound, Lan Zhan grips his robes even tighter to restrain himself from standing up and walking away. Not only would it be rude, but it would make the Great Sects doubt how much control the Lan Sect has over him. Wen Ruohan is not worth a moment of lapse in Lan Zhan's ever-present self-control.

When the noon meal hour has almost finished, Brother approaches him with a respite in the form of a smaller boy clad in Nie gray. His features are delicate and Lan Zhan can immediately tell the boy is nervous by how tightly he is clenching the fan in his hand. Even before Brother introduces them and sweeps away soon after to avoid Lan Zhan’s impending attempts at persuasion, Lan Zhan knows the boy is Nie Mingjue’s younger brother, Nie Huaisang.

Nie Huaisang is a few months younger than Lan Zhan and set to attend Uncle’s guest disciple lectures the following year. The anxiety thrumming through Nie Huaisang puts Lan Zhan on edge, always feeling like he is one wrong word away from reaching out and soothing this frazzled boy himself. Scenting the Nie Sect Heir would be inappropriate, however. Nie Mingjue would excuse it, but the other Sect Leaders would only take this as proof of the fact that Lan Zhan is less than human.

Lan Zhan keeps his hands to himself as Nie Huaisang mumbles through many of his sentences, growing more and more discouraged after each of Lan Zhan’s terse responses. Many may say Lan Zhan is cold and unfeeling, but he is not blind to the way Nie Mingjue views his younger brother as something precious and worth protecting from the world at large. Nie Huaisang is Nie Mingjue’s Treasure and Lan Zhan wants to appear more welcoming and inviting, wants Nie Huaisang to feel comfortable around him, but he is unsure of how to do that.

The Jin Sect is the only other sect to have brought their young heir, but Jin Zixuan is not someone Lan Zhan would ever want to wish upon Nie Huaisang. Even if their time together is awkward, at least it will hopefully not leave Nie Huaisang in tears by the end.

“What are your interests, Lan-gongzi?” Nie Huaisang asks timidly, a flush high on his cheeks.

Lan Zhan hums, “Reading. The guqin.”

Nie Huaisang nods as his face turns a startling shade of pink. He continues to ask Lan Zhan questions no other person has ever bothered to ask him before and Lan Zhan continues to answer simply. He is sure that he is not making any progress in befriending Nie Mingjue’s younger brother, but he cannot deny that the curiosity in Nie Huaisang’s scent is distracting him.

Eventually, Lan Zhan is able to convince Nie Huaisang to play weiqi with him, watching and analyzing his every move. Nie Huaisang had mentioned how he and Nie Mingjue sometimes play together and Lan Zhan had turned to him very suddenly to challenge him to a game. He has played weiqi with Nie Mingjue only a handful of times himself, but the experiences alone were enough to tell Lan Zhan all he needed to know about Nie Mingjue’s character.

Nie Huaisang comes alive as they play. He appears timid and makes moves Lan Zhan would have generally classified as simple, but the longer they play, the longer Lan Zhan realizes that is not the case at all. Lan Zhan can practically taste the anticipation building up within Nie Huaisang as they move across the board, conceding defeat when Nie Huaisang’s plan is finally revealed to him.

They set the board for another round, Lan Zhan’s interest in the inner workings of Nie Huaisang's mind practically begging him to continue playing. Nie Huaisang’s plan is not the same as before but it is just as discrete and Lan Zhan cannot see it coming until Nie Huaisang has him exactly where he wants him.

It is all too clear to him that Nie Huaisang is intelligent and has an exceptional knack for strategy but he hides it behind his faked ignorance and paper fans.

Lan Zhan does not agree to another game, already aware that he will lose once more. Nie Huaisang deflates but then Lan Zhan haltingly asks him about his own interest in the arts and Nie Huaisang comes back to life. He can practically hear Nie Huaisang's mind at work as they spend the next shichen discussing music or reading excerpts from Nie Huaisang’s extensive collection of stories and poems together.

As the day fades away, Lan Zhan loosens ever so slightly around Nie Huaisang. He is not usually a fan of new acquaintances, but he finds himself enjoying Nie Huaisang’s company.

By the time dinner is approaching, Lan Zhan is reaching out to grip Nie Huaisang’s nape much the same way he did to Nie Mingjue all those years ago.

“Lan-gongzi?” Nie Huaisang asks, frozen in Lan Zhan’s grasp.

Lan Zhan rubs his thumb across the back of Nie Huaisang’s neck and releases him soon after. “You will be my Tail.”

Confusion flits across his face before Nie Huaisang understands. “Da-ge won’t be happy with that.”

It is good to see that Lan Zhan was not wrong about Nie Huaisang having knowledge of this already. To Lan Zhan, it made perfect sense for Nie Huaisang to learn everything he could about dragons if his older brother had been taken into the folds of a weyr, after all.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan hums. “Not for him to decide.”

Nie Huaisang blinks and stares at him, eyes gone wide as the realization sinks in. “Me?”

Lan Zhan nods. Nie Huaisang blinks again as his eyes begin to water, tears a very real thing that may happen in the next moment or so. Lan Zhan blinks back, confused over why this would garner such a response but decides to look into it later. Nie Huaisang apologized to him multiple times when he was in the middle of excitedly explaining something from one of his books or a poem he liked in particular and that was all Lan Zhan needed to know that when Nie Huaisang talks, others rarely listen.

That will never be the case in their weyr.

Nie Huaisang is correct that Nie Mingjue does not approve of Lan Zhan’s claim on him, but considering the fact that Nie Huaisang being added to their weyr is also what is necessary for Brother to finally talk to him, Lan Zhan does not have to listen to the Nie Sect Leader’s protests for very long. Brother’s explanation of weyr positions and Nie Huaisang’s role as a Tail is perfect, simple, and enough for Nie Mingjue to turn to his younger brother and see him in a different light.

After all, even when you focus on a dragon’s claws or teeth, you should never forget about its tail. Making such a mistake could be deadly.

Soon after they have returned from the Discussion Conference, Lan Zhan is given permission to venture into Caiyi Town unsupervised.

At first, he does not wish to go. He was granted this privilege through the Clan Elders, as all the other junior disciples had been as well. This is meant to be a group excursion with only those who had recently broken a rule not being allowed to go. Lan Zhan is the perfect disciple and therefore, the Clan Elders had no way of denying him this without raising many questions within the sect itself.

Lan Zhan, of course, could not care either way if he is allowed to go or not. He has no money of his own to spend in town nor friends to spend time with while there. Brother will be busy in Cloud Recesses with his own studies and may not accompany him. Asking Uncle would prove fruitless as well.

He ponders over whether Brother would believe him if he claimed to fall ill the morning of the excursion and decides that Brother would have already prepared for that kind of scenario. Instead, Lan Zhan grudgingly accepts the qiankun pouch full of money that Uncle pushes into his hands and ignores the teasing slant of Brother’s smile as he descends down the mountain with the other junior disciples.

The journey down is quick enough for Lan Zhan and as quiet as he expected it to be with no company. He is the first to step into Caiyi Town, most of the junior disciples still working their way down all those steps.

Caiyi Town smells of the lakewater that surrounds it and the street food that vaguely calls to Lan Zhan. In Cloud Recesses, their food is unseasoned and bland but filling nonetheless. Mother gave him sweets once as a child, something he found was not much to his liking. The smell of sugar lies heavily in the air and Lan Zhan decides to follow it to its source.

The marketplace is lively, not as loud as Lan Zhan expected it to be but disarming nevertheless. The stall selling candy is surrounded by children, some enjoying their sweets and others looking on with unabashed longing.

Before Lan Zhan recognizes what he is doing, he has already swept forward and bought each child in the vicinity a sweet. The vendor thanks him profusely, accepting the large sum of money Lan Zhan has offered him to pay. In truth, the amount is enough to buy out all the sweets but Lan Zhan only takes one for himself and asks the vendor to give the rest away to any child that wouldn’t normally be able to buy it for themselves.

He sweeps away, eyes roaming the marketplace as children cheer behind him. Their cries are not exceptionally loud, something about Caiyi Town as a whole keeping itself reserved. Lan Zhan doesn’t mind it though. He pops the sweet into his mouth and forces himself to get past the overbearing taste of sugar as he moves farther and farther away from the center of the marketplace. Here and there he can see the telling robes of his fellow junior disciples but walks past them without a second glance.

Even though his control is unshakable, for the most part, Lan Zhan keeps his distance from others out of habit. He passes one of the livelier inns and turns sharply away from the scent of what he can only assume is alcohol. The smell is bitter and sets his teeth on edge as he thinks of Mother before he viciously pushes the thought away.

Muscles he had not been aware of beforehand loosen as he moves forward, merely trailing around the marketplace in search of nothing in particular. Many vendors eye the cut of his robes and the clouds on his forehead ribbon, the only markings Lan Zhan carries of his position in the Lan Sect. They call out to him as he passes but Lan Zhan only nods to them in acknowledgment, silently apologizing as he continues to walk.

He stops at a quiet inn around noon and eats a simple meal, tipping generously once he has finished. He takes note of the inn’s name for future reference and decides it would be best to return back to Cloud Recesses for the remainder of the day.

He pauses as he steps out of the inn, ears immediately catching onto the words, “This came from a real dragon!”

Lan Zhan’s eyes trace the sound back to a vendor down the road with a small stall decorated in necklaces of all sorts. From this distance, Lan Zhan can make out the indistinct shape of teeth and glass jars hanging from the chords that cover the vendor’s stall. He is talking animatedly to a young man who peers down at the necklace being proffered to him before scoffing and walking away, muttering under his breath about knowing a scam when he sees one.

Despite himself, Lan Zhan is curious about what exactly this vendor is claiming is from a real dragon. He approaches calmly, inwardly delighted when the vendor brightens as he catches sight of him. The residents of Caiyi Town are aware of the dragon in the Gusu Lan Sect. None have seen him before today, but Lan Zhan is certain that they recognized who he was as soon as they saw the clouds on his ribbon. This vendor proves to be no different, even as his scent grows nervous, his expression and body language remain excited when Lan Zhan comes to a stop in front of his stall.

This close Lan Zhan can tell that none of this vendor’s merchandise came from an actual dragon. The teeth are too small, the water and wind caught in the glass jars too artificial, and the scales are nothing more than painted sheets of metal. The fans look to be made from high-quality material, at least, but Lan Zhan does not mention this to the vendor. He is more than aware of the fact that the vendor already knows and is hoping Lan Zhan won’t run him out of business by disputing his goods.

Lan Zhan reaches out for four of the tooth-bearing necklaces and pays the vendor more than they are worth before he turns on his heel and leaves. His lips twitch when the vendor thanks him profusely for his business, loudly drawing the attention of everyone milling about on the road.

It takes only one glimpse of his clouds for everyone to recognize him as he walks away and before he knows it, the stall is being flooded with customers.

Back in Cloud Recesses, Lan Zhan presents the necklaces to Brother and Uncle. Lans do not wear jewelry, not the type most can see anyway. He bought these on a whim, but he is glad when they silently wrap the chords around their wrists before hiding their hands within their draping sleeves once more.

As for the last two necklaces, Lan Zhan sends those to the Nie brothers. He enlists Brother’s help to get them delivered and is satisfied when Nie Huaisang sends him a thank you letter in return. Or as satisfied as he can be when only a week later, he receives another letter from his Tail informing him that he has somehow misplaced the gift Lan Zhan gave him. Lan Zhan takes that to mean Nie Huaisang did not particularly like the necklace he was given and is asking for something else instead as politely as he can.

(Years later, however, Nie Huaisang will tell him that he gave the necklace to a boy from the Jiang Sect with startling silver eyes who was in awe of the fact that a dragon had given him his own teeth as a gift. Nie Huaisang did not have the heart to tell the boy that the teeth were fake and instead allowed him to keep the necklace as a token of their new friendship. Lan Zhan finds that he cannot fault his Tail for this when he meets the silver-eyed boy for himself.)

Lan Zhan returns to the same vendor as before on his next allowed excursion into Caiyi Town and grabs the fan with a detailed drawing of a dilong on it, ignoring how much it resembles his mother.

Nie Huaisang shoots him a smile behind that same fan the next time they meet and that becomes the end of that.

On one autumn day when Lan Zhan is thirteen, he experiences the effects of his first growth spurt.

In his usual bleariness of the early morning, he mistakes the pain in his lower back as an ache from not sleeping in the traditionally accepted Lan sleeping position. Even though he falls asleep while laying on his back, he always wakes in the morning to find that he has moved in the middle of the night.

That morning he happens to wake up curled up on his side, his hair a tangled mess beneath his shoulder. He sits up carefully, distantly aware of the twinge near his spine as he moves. Gently, he turns at the waist and sighs as the twinge disappears almost immediately.

By then, Lan Zhan has decided this is a matter of little importance and begins preparing for the day. He forgets about the discomfort from the morning until the noon meal has passed and his back begins to ache again.

He is in the middle of sword practice when he parries a blow from his sparring partner and feels his shoulder twinge with mild pain. Lan Zhan ignores it, for the time being, and finishes the spar quicker than usual. His sparring partner bows to him after she has risen from the ground, her white robes dusted with dirt. He barely remembers to bow back before he turns on his heel and finds a spot on the sidelines to watch the rest of the spars.

Lan Zhan slowly rotates his arm, feeling his brows come together for a split second before his face smooths itself of all expression again. A slow and steady heat is spreading from his shoulder blades down to his waist, an unusual urge to scratch the knobs of his spine valiantly attempting to push through to the forefront of his thoughts. He ignores that as well, sitting out for the rest of the sword practice and excusing himself when the itching becomes too distracting.

The master swordsman in charge of their class waves him away, asking only once if Lan Zhan is feeling alright before he is dismissed. Lan Zhan is intent on seeing a healer but halfway to the healer’s hall, his feet start to lead him towards Brother instead. His back now feels like it is burning but Lan Zhan continues to calmly follow his brother's scent past the bustling main halls and into the back slopes of Cloud Recesses.

He finds Brother sitting on a dry rock by the cold springs, staring pensively into the waters.

"Brother," Lan Zhan speaks, surprised by how strained he sounds. He reaches up to grasp his shoulder before he can stop himself, the burning feeling only increasing with each moment that passes. "Brother," he repeats.

Brother startles as he turns to face him, confusion and concern blanketing his face. "A-Zhan? Are you unwell? What's wrong?"

Lan Zhan shakes his head, his grip on his shoulder tightening even further. "Brother."

"A-Zhan," Brother breathes, standing up quickly and rushing to Lan Zhan's side. "What’s wrong? Tell me."

Lan Zhan shakes his head, his tongue suddenly feeling too heavy. He feels too big for this form, his clothes constricting instead of comforting him with their familiar sensation and weight. "Brother," is all he can manage to say before he tugs on his sash to begin removing his robes.

Brother seems to understand because, in the next moment, his hands have replaced Lan Zhan's trembling ones as they methodically remove his three outer robes and hesitate before pulling Lan Zhan's two inner robes off as well. Lan Zhan only notices enough to nod, too used to nudity around his older brother to care about it now.

(Brother did mind for a while, but only because he thought Lan Zhan would feel different now that his second form was changing with age. Lan Zhan didn't and so their typical camaraderie had, thankfully, returned.)

Lan Zhan sinks into the cold springs after he tugs his boots off and leaves them by the bundle of his robes that Brother is slowly folding. The water calms him briefly before the burning on his back returns, and Lan Zhan submerges himself completely underwater. He wrenches his eyes shut and clenches his hands into fists by his side, taking stock of the pain.

It is different than it was in the morning, even different than it was not that long ago at sword practice as well. Before it was just a twinge or an ache he could ignore and push to the side to deal with later. Now it is like an invisible fire has sprung into existence on his back, taking shelter in his spine as his body screams to be released from this form.

In the next moment, Lan Zhan relaxes and feels the familiar shift in his bones take hold. His transition is swift and clean, his first form tuning into the rhythm of his Treasure's heartbeat. He moves with the change in forms, his head breaking the water's surface and inhaling the fresh afternoon air. His limbs stay underwater, but bits and pieces of his back are exposed to the sky above him. The fire is gone now, everything as it should be.

When Lan Zhan opens his eyes, he finds Brother gaping at him in shock.

Lan Zhan leans forward to brush his whiskers against the top of Brother's hair, chuffing as Brother lets out an inelegant snort he would never allow anyone else to hear in public. Anyone except for Uncle and Nie Mingjue, but they are not exactly anyone so Lan Zhan does not point out this exception. After all, their weyr has extended from three Lans to include two Nies as well.

Brother reaches out to press the flat of his palm against Lan Zhan's muzzle, moving upwards to scent him in return. Since his birth, Lan Zhan has almost always had Brother's scent on his skin. When he was with Mother for those first two years, his brother was not always available to scent him as often as Lan Zhan wanted to but since Mother died, Lan Zhan has made a point of scenting Brother daily. Brother did not do the same in return at first, but now he reaches out for Lan Zhan in either form without nary a thought.

"A-Zhan," Brother breathes into the air between them, one hand pressed to his own chest as his heartbeat quickens and his scent morphs from concern to awe. "You've grown."

He can already guess what will greet him, but Lan Zhan turns enough to glance behind him anyway. He freezes as soon as his eyes catch sight of his tail, much longer and thicker than it was the last time he went flying. His second form is changing by the day though, maturing and growing. Maybe it stands to reason that Lan Zhan's first form would also change to accommodate the progress of his second form.

Still, Lan Zhan almost cannot believe it.

While Lan Zhan's body continues to grow, his mind races ahead in leaps and bounds.

Brother is close to adulthood but not quite there yet. He no longer hopes for an official marriage with Nie Mingjue, but their sworn brotherhood is no secret. Uncle had approved and arranged for the ceremony to take place shortly before the Discussion Conference held in Qinghe came to an end. Still, whenever Nie Mingjue is mentioned, Brother’s scent goes sour with the force of his sadness.

Lan Zhan doesn’t understand why until Nie Huaisang sheds light on the situation for him.

Nie Huaisang is in Cloud Recesses for the year-long lectures Uncle holds for the guest disciples every other year. Three days earlier, Lan Zhan had spent the better part of the morning waiting at the entrance to welcome the Nie Sect Heir then show him to the guest disciple dormitories.

When he first caught sight of him, Nie Huaisang had smiled so brightly that Lan Zhan felt the ridiculous urge to glance behind him to check if there was someone else Nie Huaisang was so happy to see. His surprise must have shown because Nie Huaisang had laughed quietly enough for only Lan Zhan to hear after they bowed to each other and gave the customary greetings expected of them. Lan Zhan was certain that Nie Huaisang was going to walk close enough by his side to be considered improper, but his Tail had kept a respectable amount of distance between them and barely fidgeted with his fan as they walked further into Cloud Recesses.

Only once they were safely behind closed doors did Nie Huaisang sit beside him and press their upper arms together as they drank tea. Lan Zhan had calmed at the familiar position, envisioning both of their older brothers sitting across from them like they usually did when they all had tea together. While Nie Huaisang was in the process of reciting his newest collection of poetry to him, Lan Zhan had reached out and gripped the back of his neck. His Tail had gone limp in his hold, giving in without a fight to show Lan Zhan how much he had missed their scenting sessions.

It had not occurred to Lan Zhan that Nie Huaisang might be lacking in receiving physical contact until he came to Cloud Recesses without his brother accompanying him. At that moment, however, it became startling clear and Lan Zhan has made it a point to scent Nie Huaisang every day since then.

Brother has been unhappy all day, the sour scent of it cloying. Lan Zhan scented him before breakfast in an attempt to distract him but instead, he has Brother's sadness lingering on his skin, the weight of it dragging on Lan Zhan all day. It has had him on edge and when Lan Zhan feels like crawling out of his skin but is unable to shift, he plays music.

That is why when he sits down to practice his guqin after classes have ended and Nie Huaisang leans against his back, Lan Zhan remains stiff and upright. He plays all of Brother's favorites first before the notes blend into a song Nie Huaisang shared with him during his last visit with his brother.

When the song ends, Nie Huaisang reaches out and grips Lan Zhan's wrist to stop him from plucking the strings again. "Lan-xiong."

Lan Zhan inclines his head in Nie Huaisang's direction to show that he is listening. He does not miss the way his Tail's face softens, nor can he mistake the dull sprigs of surprise buried within his scent. His chest tightens, an unfamiliar feeling gripping him whole as he thinks of how often Nie Huaisang must be brushed aside and not taken as seriously as his brother to be caught off-guard when he immediately receives the full force of someone's attention on him.

He knows Nie Mingjue listens to every word Nie Huaisang says, knows that his Claw cherishes his younger brother more than anything in this world. Lan Zhan knows that Nie Huaisang's hidden reaction is not a result of his brother's actions, but the reaction itself still bothers him. No one in his weyr should ever expect their words to be ignored, especially not Nie Huaisang.

"Do you wish to speak about what is bothering you?" Nie Huaisang's steady voice draws Lan Zhan out of his thoughts, pulling him back to the present. "You are troubled, my Head."

Words are not Lan Zhan's greatest strength. It takes only an incense stick's worth of time in his company to know this fact. Many think him aloof and reserved, always intimately aware of his ire but never of the other multiple emotions filling him to the brim. That Nie Huaisang can tell he is upset does not surprise Lan Zhan. Nie Huaisang asking if he would like to air his grievances does.

Lan Zhan wanting to share his troubles with the newest member of his weyr surprises him even more.

He nods, placing his free hand over Nie Huaisang's on his wrist. Nie Huaisang starts to apologize for interrupting him in such a manner, but Lan Zhan brushes it aside and grips onto Nie Huaisang's hand tighter.

"Brother is upset," Lan Zhan finally manages to say, eyes downcast and glued to their joined hands.

Nie Huaisang sighs, sagging beside him. "Yes, I have noticed Zewu-jun's mood has not been as bright as it should be these past few days."

Lan Zhan nods again, leaning into Nie Huaisang's warmth without much thought. "Do you..." He trails off, suddenly unsure of what exactly he wants to ask.

"Da-ge told me that there has been a sudden influx of marriage proposals for him recently. Our Clan Elders wish for him to marry sooner rather than later," Nie Huaisang speaks into the silence between them. “They want the line of succession to remain clear.”

Lan Zhan stiffens, fury and indignation rolling up from the depths of his very being. He knew Brother's future relationship with Nie Mingjue would not come without complications, but to know that others are willing to force his Treasure’s mate into a loveless marriage leaves him feeling like he is lost at sea. Unmoored from the stability and control he has taught himself from the moment he took his very first breath.

"Sect Leader Nie will⎼" Lan Zhan begins to say, his words resembling a long and drawn-out hiss he is more familiar with in his first form than in this one.

Nie Huaisang does not let go of his hand, does not flinch or pull away when faced with Lan Zhan's anger and in the recesses of Lan Zhan's thoughts, he feels awful for subjecting a member of his weyr to this. It is not any fault of Nie Huaisang's that their brothers will not have the chance to be together. It is not Lan Zhan's fault either but he cannot abate the rage building up within him that easily.

"I am more than willing to produce an heir for the Nie Sect, Lan-xiong. I told Da-ge that he does not have to marry out of duty, no matter what the Clan Elders say," Nie Huaisang states, not half as calmly as he is hoping to appear but enough to confront Lan Zhan's baser instincts head-on.

Despite his sudden anger, Lan Zhan inhales deeply and closes his eyes. He focuses on keeping his breathing normal, on finding his way back to the pier he has always kept his control tied to. Nie Huaisang waits patiently at his side, the last vestiges of fear fading away from his Tail's scent as Lan Zhan calms.

He opens his eyes when he is more than sure of his temperament and bows in apology, eyes downcast. Nie Huaisang flushes through his acceptance and then changes the subject, prattling on about how difficult his studies are. Lan Zhan hums where appropriate, mentally far away from this moment and glad of the fact that his Tail has not taken offense.

Later, Lan Zhan finds Uncle in his room before dinner.

"Wangji, did you wish to join me for dinner?" Uncle asks after Lan Zhan has given the proper greetings.

Lan Zhan shakes his head, holding his hand out in a silent question. Uncle meets his gaze as he nods, stepping forward so Lan Zhan can easily reach out and scent him.

"Sect Leader Nie is being pressured into marriage," Lan Zhan begins with, brushing his thumb behind Uncle's ear and wondering if Uncle will consider what he says next as gossiping. "The Elders will not allow this one to produce an heir. Now or in the future."

Uncle sighs, aging before his very eyes. "Yes, Wangji. They have come to accept Xichen as heir thanks to his sworn brotherhood with Sect Leader Nie and the political ties it will give the Lan Sect. They expect him to marry within due time and produce an heir for the sect so you never will."

"Brother knows?" Lan Zhan asks, raising his other hand so Uncle's face is cupped between his palms.

"No, but Xichen will have guessed already."

Lan Zhan hums, dropping his hands so they lie at his sides once more. Uncle sighs, a sound Lan Zhan is not used to but does not mind. This is not a conversation Uncle expected to have with his almost fourteen-year-old nephew, after all. Neither of them is at fault for the situation at hand but they both cannot help but feel guilty for the apparent outcome regardless.

Uncle reaches out and smooths Lan Zhan’s hair down, his scent curdling with sadness and guilt. "This old one apologizes, Wangji. I can do no more than I already have."

"Mn," Lan Zhan responds, not out of agreement but to show Uncle that he has heard him. "Uncle has done his best. Wangji is grateful."

Uncle cups his cheek for a brief moment before he steps back and dismisses Lan Zhan, urging him to join his older brother for dinner. Lan Zhan agrees, not bothering to point out that was his initial plan.

Though every meal is marked with silence, the one Lan Zhan shares with Brother that night is edged with something else. Something that has Lan Zhan itching to play more music in an attempt to curb the unfamiliar feeling.

"Brother," Lan Zhan says once they have cleared the empty bowls and dishes away. "Second Young Master Nie has informed me of his plans to give his sect an heir."

Brother's silver gaze burns against him but Lan Zhan remains steady. He has his brother's sole attention now, the full force of his focus that others tend to wither under. Lan Zhan reaches out and takes hold of his brother's hands in his, not allowing their eyes to stray from one another.

"I will not be allowed to produce an heir," Lan Zhan admits, feeling his heartbeat increase when Brother's gaze only intensifies.

"The Elders will not allow Mother's blood to linger in the Lan Clan through you," Brother says so softly that Lan Zhan has to strain to hear him. "If your future spouse is not a man, they will destroy your chances at marriage."

Lan Zhan hums in agreement, still gripping onto his brother's hands. "Brother."

Brother leans forward until their foreheads are close to touching, both of them bowed over their joined hands. "A-Zhan, let us find happiness where we can."

"Mn."

Lan Zhan's debut makes a monumental splash across the waters of the cultivation world.

The night hunt he accompanied Brother, Nie Huaisang, and a handful of other junior disciples on was simple. They had resolved the issue within two nights and returned to Cloud Recesses three days before the graduation ceremony for the guest disciples would take place.

Nie Huaisang had failed his exams, excited for his plans to return again in a year's time when Lan Zhan will be able to join the lessons. Nie Mingjue had plenty to say when he had found out but Brother had distracted him before he could cause a scene when he came to accompany Nie Huaisang home.

(Lan Zhan, for his own part, had asked his Tail if he had failed on purpose and sat silently through the adamant denial Nie Huaisang offered in a teasing voice.)

Since his debut, Lan Zhan and his brother have been regaled as the Twin Jade Dragons of Gusu Lan. Lan Zhan himself did not gain an official title like Brother had, but he is both pleased and discomfited with the unofficial one they have come to share between them.

After the guest disciple lessons are officially over, the Twin Jade Dragons see the small party from the Nie Sect off, wishing for their safety on their trek back home. Brother and Nie Mingjue bow to each other as is becoming of a Sect Leader and a Sect Heir, but Nie Huaisang's bow to Lan Zhan is much less formal than is expected.

Lan Zhan returns it despite all the eyes he can feel on him and hums in agreement when Nie Huaisang asks him to continue to keep in contact. He can already guess what Nie Huaisang's incoming letter will center around and mentally catalogs all the possible responses he can present in turn.

Months after Lan Zhan's debut, the Clan Elders invite him to a discussion Brother was unaware of until Lan Zhan mentions it to him.

Uncle and Brother both escort him to the meeting, standing firm by his side even when the Elders make their distaste over their uninvited appearance clear. Lan Zhan stays silent throughout the entire thing. His input isn't welcome here anyway.

By the end of it, Uncle and Brother have agreed for Lan Zhan to enter seclusion until the lessons for next year's guest disciples begin. The Elders had said they were concerned that all the new scents and people Lan Zhan will be joining in a classroom setting would upset his instincts and put everyone at risk. They want him to seclude himself and strengthen his control until there is no chance of him ever losing it.

Lan Zhan knows the extent of his control. He is well aware of this being another manner in which the Clan Elders want to exert their own control over him. Lan Zhan has never been bothered by new people and all their different mannerisms so he knows the Clan Elders’ reasoning to be flighty at best. New scents only take up enough of Lan Zhan's attention for him to recognize them as unfamiliar before moving on.

It has been too long since the Clan Elders have made their presence known in his life. Something like this has been long overdue.

Lan Zhan remains silent on their trek back to his room, musing over how to word his proposal.

"Wangji," Uncle begins with once they have entered Lan Zhan's room. "There is nothing Xichen and I can do that would change the Elders' minds."

"Mn. Wangji understands," Lan Zhan replies, meeting his uncle's gaze easily. "Brother, Uncle. Wangji wishes to make a request."

Brother nods. "If it is within our power to do so, we will listen and grant it."

Lan Zhan bows, keeping his eyes on his feet. "Wangji wishes to seclude in the Jingshi."

Silence befalls them, the shock and surprise in their scents filling the air between them. Lan Zhan remains bowing, keeping his posture perfect and proper as he waits.

"A-Zhan," Brother whispers, reaching out to grip Lan Zhan's elbow and pull him out of his bow. "Your seclusion will not be like Mother's punishment."

"Wangji understands," Lan Zhan responds, eyes still on his own two feet. "Wangji still wishes to seclude in the Jingshi."

Uncle grips his other elbow, pulling him a step closer until Lan Zhan is forced to look up so he can see the expressions on their faces. "You may move into the Jingshi. This would please the Elders, but your seclusion will end before the guest disciple lessons begin, Wangji. You have broken no rules. You are the model disciple that the Lan Sect is fortunate enough to have. Your seclusion is not a punishment."

Lan Zhan is surprised by the vehemence of his uncle's words for only a moment.

Uncle is steadfast in his stance and respectable. He is stubborn and holds the Lan Sect rules in high regard. Lan Zhan knows that Uncle was greatly affected by Mother’s punishment and his sire’s seclusion. As a result, Uncle has done his best to raise him and Brother to always respect those rules. Uncle was never fond of Mother, but he was still one of the only two people who believed her when she presented her case to the Clan Elders all those years ago.

Uncle is the one who recited the rules to Lan Zhan as a toddler and Uncle is the one who first placed a brush into Lan Zhan's tiny hand before guiding him through writing his own name. Uncle is the one who gave Lan Zhan his first guqin, who arranged for both Lan Zhan's and his brother's swords to be made, and who indulged Lan Zhan's scenting until Uncle grew used to daily physical contact. Uncle was the one who nursed Brother when he was sick as a child, who hurried to Lan Zhan's side the only time he found himself injured, and Uncle was the one who helped Lan Zhan practice keeping his expression blank even when overwhelmed with the sheer breadth of his feelings. Uncle was the one who gave him and Brother their courtesy names, the one who took them to see Mother every month, and the one who told them when she was no longer in this world.

Of course, Brother would not be the only one wary of a dragon secluding in the Jingshi again. Lan Zhan must strive to remember that his second Treasure cherishes him just as much as Lan Zhan does him.

"Wangji understands," Lan Zhan repeats, allowing himself to be pulled forward into the group hug Brother initiates.

Lan Zhan is fifteen when he emerges from seclusion.

During those isolated months, Lan Zhan was grateful that Brother came to visit him every day. They would share a quiet dinner and scent each other afterward before Brother would take his leave. Sometimes Brother would stay longer to hear Lan Zhan play on Wangji, but it happened rarely enough that Lan Zhan tended to savor his brother's praise on his playing. Uncle, too, would visit, only dropping in once a week to make sure that Lan Zhan was remaining relatively healthy and continued to have everything he needed.

Visits during seclusion are not expressly forbidden, but Lan Zhan knew if the Clan Elders had ever caught on, it would have soon been added to the wall.

Now Lan Zhan is once again allowed to be out and about. Uncle's year-long lessons begin tomorrow, the last of the guest disciples having arrived earlier today. Nie Huaisang arrived four days earlier and has come to visit Lan Zhan twice since then, tagging along with Brother to join them for dinner.

Lan Zhan no longer has his Tail's scent on his skin but he is looking forward to another year of Nie Huaisang's company.

Seclusion has left Lan Zhan feeling cemented in the Lan Sect's rules. He studied them countless times, pouring over every character with the utmost attention. He'd been too lax before, he is well aware of that now. The Clan Elders could have accused him of breaking a handful of rules and it would have easily turned his seclusion into the punishment he knows they still wish to hand out to him.

In appearance, he was the perfect disciple that the Clan Elders could no longer do anything except wait for him to misstep and lose control. In his heart, Lan Zhan knows he will never allow that to happen.

Uncle has given him the title of Discipline Master as a way to welcome him back into the folds of the sect. Lan Zhan now has the power to dole out punishment to his age-mates and those younger than him who happen to break a rule. As Discipline Master, he must aid in the curfew rounds, making sure that everyone is in bed by nine. Considering that there are now guest disciples staying with them, Lan Zhan is not expecting his first night to be quiet.

The light of the full moon gives Lan Zhan all the light he needs to prowl the corridors, his senses on the alert for any curfew breakers. Cloud Recesses is filled with new scents and sounds, but its appearance has not changed.

It is still the mountain high in the clouds that he was raised in. It is still where the rivers and streams that follow his command reside. It is still home, even despite the animosity he faces on its slopes.

Near the outer wall, Lan Zhan hears scuffling and quiet cursing on the other side. He pauses, gripping Bichen tightly as the scuffling starts to climb up the wall until it is located above his head.

A moment later, a hand holding two jars throws itself over the wall, the rest of the guest disciple's body following soon after to sprawl across the roof.

Lan Zhan looks up at the guest disciple, taking in his unruly, black hair and the white of his disciple robes embroidered with purple lotus flowers that mark him as a disciple of Yunmeng Jiang. "Step back."

The Jiang disciple stumbles, gripping onto the roof to keep his balance. "Ah! You startled me. How am I meant to step back now?"

Annoyance begins to build up within Lan Zhan at the Jiang disciple’s volume. He sniffs the air subtly, easily recognizing the bitter tang of alcohol surrounding the jars in the Jiang disciple's hand. Lan Zhan jumps onto the roof, eyes finding the Jiang disciple's own. They are silver, a shade darker than Brother's but similar enough in color. Lan Zhan feels unsettled for just a moment as he marvels at the resemblance between real silver and this Jiang disciple's eyes.

"What are you holding in your hand?" Lan Zhan demands, already knowing the answer but wanting to see if the Jiang disciple will admit to his rule-breaking or not.

The Jiang disciple looks from his hand and back to Lan Zhan, amusement swimming richly in the air. "It’s Emperor’s Smile! If I share a jar with you, can you pretend that you never saw me?"

Lan Zhan almost cannot believe the audacity of this Jiang disciple trying to bribe him. "Alcohol is forbidden in Cloud Recesses."

"Why don’t you tell me what exactly is not forbidden in your sect?" The Jiang disciple asks, his nose scrunched up in a manner that Lan Zhan finds he cannot look away from.

His annoyance has now evolved into irritation, none of it showing on his face but clear enough in his tone of voice. "Our rules are on the wall by the entrance. You should have read them when you arrived."

"Who has the time to read all those rules?" The Jiang disciple asks as he gets to his feet and smiles, the sight of it alone punching the air out of Lan Zhan's lungs. "Alright, if alcohol is prohibited in Cloud Recesses, then I won’t go in. I’ll drink it standing back here. That wouldn’t count as violating the rules, would it?"

Lan Zhan has only just regained his senses when the Jiang disciple gulps down an entire jar of Emperor's Smile, standing on the other side of the roof. A clear, small stream of alcohol trickles down his throat and glistens under the moonlight. A gust of wind passes them by as Lan Zhan’s agitation grows and Lan Zhan freezes. He can feel his heart racing in his chest, something deep within him unfurling and awakening as Lan Zhan catches the full force of this Jiang disciple's scent in the air.

He smells of lotus flowers and chili peppers, of something sweet like sugar and tart like berries. The Jiang disciple’s scent is both an unusual combination and exhilarating all at once. Lan Zhan's heartbeat increases, his breaths deviating from their normal pattern as the Jiang disciple finishes drinking from the dark jar in his hand. He watches him sigh, content, even as he blatantly disregards the rule Lan Zhan has so plainly explained to him.

There is a series of words on the tip of Lan Zhan's tongue, sweeping through his mind, and upturning his senses. He does not know what those words are until he has broken the second jar of Emperor's Smile after drawing his sword on this beautiful, brash Jiang disciple and fights him across the rooftop of the outer wall under the light of the full moon.

Silver. Shiny. Treasure, his instincts whisper to him.

"Treasure," Lan Zhan says under his breath as the Jiang disciple loudly mourns the loss of his alcohol. "...Mate."

a/n #2: please note those lines at the end that were lifted from the novel bc they are definitely not mine and i thought them fitting to include. i took bits and pieces of info about oriental dragons and mashed it with stuff about european dragons to create all this too.

thank you for reading my heart and joy! i spent months on this and hope to get part 2 out soon so we can all swoon over wangxian and their courting. but please be patient with me in case it doesn't come out very soon after all.

a huge thank you to eri for cleaning up the bulk of my rambling mess while still being super supportive. you're wonderful and i owe you one of my kidneys at this point. you can cash that in whenever you want, homie. and minzi did such an amazing job on the art and you should all shower minzi in love and adoration for it bc i know that i definitely will :((( <3

[f-da-program]

Contains IT Chapter 2 Spoilers

So I just got to see Chapter 2 and I have a lot of thoughts that I need to get out, good and bad.

Con 1: Bill’s entire story line: I didn’t really care for Bill’s story line at all. Pretty much the first moment we have with him is him and Audra having a tiff. Unlike the book, you don’t get the sense that they have a strong relationship. The line he gave about being the girl he wants her to be comes to mind. And I kind of figured they were using that to say he wanted her to be more like Beverly, but we don’t even really get that. I’m not a huge Bill/Bev shipper so I’m not super bummed about it, but we never really get anything with that. Bev kisses Bill once and then we never really get anything from Bill’s side again. And it’s just strange because they seemed to hint that was going to be a thing, but it never was. In fact Bill never brings anything up to Bev and she and Ben ride off together into the sunrise. Perfectly fine, but awkward. It would have made more sense to have Bill’s relationship with Audra just seem like a happy one and have Bill push her away (fuck book canon there, there isn’t time to get into the ‘we’re just doing it because we’re going back to childhood’ and if you don’t have time for that or to explore Bills feelings for Bev more, then we don’t have time for Bill to cheat on his wife).

I’m also not into the idea that Bill wasn’t sick the day Georgie died. It’s unneeded. He doesn’t need that to feel guilty. Honestly, why do they have to push the guilt that hard anyway? Can’t he just be sad and angry his little brother was murdered? Why do we need a new guilt arc that was never brought up in the first movie or in the book?

Also, was the scene with the little kid in the fun house necessary? We get it, Bill feels guilty he didn’t save Georgie. And now he can’t save this kid. Oh no. Like, I didn’t need another scene to reinforce that Bill is guilty. It was already apparent. All this did was waste screen time that could have been used for more important scenes.

Pro 1: Ben is amazing I love Ben. He was totally the mom friend in this movie and I was digging it. Him checking in on everyone was nice. I feel like he got a good amount of screen time and his scenes were justified in being included in this packed movie. I’m so glad we got Ben the architect!  

Pro 2: The Clubhouse I didn’t think we’d ever see the clubhouse or the Barrens outside of the Quarry. It’s a little shoehorned in, but I love that location so I’m going to call it a pro. Although, can we talk about how the book 5x5 clubhouse got a major upgrade? Like, holy shit, that place was huge!

Pro 3: Ben kept the yearbook page Look, I’m a sucker for the idea that Ben kept the yearbook page with Bev’s name. For one, how fucking cute is it that it’s been 27 years and he has no fucking idea who Beverly Marsh is, but he still keeps it?

But, it’s also a double edged sword. Because how lonely must he be that he keeps that? Like, he keeps this reminder that there was a time that someone would write hearts by their name in relation to him. That’s so indicative of Ben’s character. It shows how even as a successful man, he still feels all alone. Very nice.

Con 2: Dirt doesn’t equal germs I wish I could scream this from a rooftop. This pissed me off last movie and it pissed me off this movie. So let me say it again:

DIRT DOESN’T EQUAL GERMS.

The movies have not done enough to separate Eddie’s fears from Stan’s. Stan doesn’t like things that are unclean. Eddie doesn’t like things that can make you sick. Those are two different things. Eddie can reach for a ball on the dirty ground. Because cobwebs and dirt don’t cause diseases.

Con 3: Everyone is mad at Mike Seriously? The losers come back to Derry because they all made a promise, and they’re mad at Mike? Like, y’all made the promise. What was Mike supposed to say on the phone, ‘Hey, the killer clown we fought as kids is back, are you still in to come back and kill it?’ It just doesn’t make sense to have them all pissed at him.

Pro 4: The Ritual of Chud I never would have thought they would include that. It seemed too complex and out there (outing Pennywise as a million of years old cosmic being, that’s a whole different level). But they did! And I liked the idea that Mike found that out in his research. Sucks he shared it with Bill and not Richie, but I wasn’t made about it. It was a cool way to include it and give Mike some more screen time.

Con 4: Mike lied to everyone Wait, what? I don’t understand why anyone thought this was necessary. Mike said he needed everyone to believe they could kill It. Okay, that checks out. But they literally already know they can hurt It. They did it in the last movie by believing they could. So why do they suddenly need a fake ritual to do it? I like the idea of Mike getting the vision of Pennywise’s origin but I wish it had stopped there. The losers didn’t need that to know they could take It down.

Like, Mike needed more screen time, but not like that.

Pro 5: Richie loves Eddie If you didn’t think this would be on the list, you don’t know me. I think it’s awesome that they went this direction. I’ve always thought there was enough evidence to argue that Richie was bi and had a thing for Eddie. Getting to see that on the screen was great. And I loved the use of the Paul Bunyan statue. Because first movie they’re sitting by that statue when they ask Richie what he’s afraid of. Whether he’s really afraid of clowns or not, we now know he’s also afraid of people knowing he’s gay. When Pennywise attacks him there later, it’s relevant because that’s where he lied to the losers.

Eddie’s death and onward is handled really well. Richie having to be dragged out of the sewers and crying in the Quarry is so sad. But him re-carving over their initials is beautiful. He’s finally able to be okay loving Eddie. And even though Eddie’s gone, that’s still a powerful thing.

But...

Con 5: Eddie’s feelings weren’t clear Look, I read the book, Eddie’s gay. Like, if you argued that in the book Richie was straight, you would have had a leg to stand on. But with Eddie, you really wouldn’t. He was so clearly intended to be a gay character (Stephen, just say it next time).

But here we have a movie that doesn’t spend any time on confirming that, let alone confirming that he shared Richie’s feelings. Like, come on! It would have been so easy to show!

Here’s how I would have done it. First, scrap all the freezing bullshit (that’s the next con, don’t worry) and have them talk when they’re about to go down the hole to face Pennywise. Richie: Are you ready for this? Eddie: No, I’m scared shitless. But I keep trying to remind myself that I have nothing to lose. Richie: What the fuck does that mean? Eddie: I hate my life. I hate my wife. I might as well have married my mother. I don’t like my job. I wanted to do something with cars. And remembering all of this shit has just made it more obvious that I don’t to be who I was. I don’t want to go back to that. Richie: No one says you have to. Eddie: Where else would I go? Richie: I have a spare bedroom. Eddie: Like you could put up with me full time. Richie: I always did. Eddie (realizing Richie means it): ...I’ll think about it. And then the sewer fight happens, Eddie saves Richie because why the fuck wouldn’t he. And their last conversation goes like this: Eddie: Rich, *grabs Richies arm* I thought about it. Richie: About what? Leaving with me? Eddie: I want to. I’ve always- Pennywise starts attacking so he doesn’t finish.

And that shows that the feelings aren’t one sided and adds some angst for when Richie comes back over and he’s dead (or he could just not leave his side, whichever).

Con 6: Eddie freezes There’s no shame in freezing in terrifying situations. It’s natural. Fight, flight, freeze. Those are the options when scared.

But Eddie has literally never frozen in the past. Eddie never froze in the first movie. He didn’t freeze when Bowers attacked him. But you want me to believe that suddenly at the last leg of the movie he’s going to start? And for what? So it’d be dramatic when he stepped in the save Richie? That’s just who Eddie is. He’s always moving and acting and talking. It just made no sense to suddenly introduce this flaw that has arguably no pay off. Cut it and use the time for something important.

Con 7: Stan’s fears are never clearly explored It’s so easy to write Stan off as just being weak and scared. Even with the letter, it’s so easy. Because the 1st movie took away the scenes where he was brave (being the one to make them promise and being the one to say they needed to clean Bev’s bathroom).

But Stan’s issue isn’t just being scared, it’s being unable to accept things that aren’t logical. Pennywise existing offends him as a child. As an adult it very likely would have made him lose his mind. And this movie did better at touching that, but didn’t quite get there. They accept that he’s the most scared, but they don’t get down to why.

Pro 6: The losers grieve for Stan I don’t think the book even does as good a job at this. Stan was their friend. Part of the lucky 7 that made them powerful. Him being dead should feel like part of them is ripped out. They aren’t whole anymore. Having a scene where they mourned him was so important and I’m so glad they included it.

Pro 7: The ending This one is controversial, but I liked the ending change. It never made sense to me that after purifying Derry they forgot everything. Pennywise and the Turtle are dead, so who’s there to make them forget? In some ways I think remembering might be sadder (Richie gets to accept being gay just in time to watch the guy he loves die), but I think it makes more sense. I also think the losers being able to call each other and be lifelong friends is a good change. I don’t know if I’d call it the happy ending the movie implied that it was (it’s a small change Stephen, don’t pat your back too hard. It’s not like Eddie got to live), but I do think I prefer it.

And Stan’s letter really worked for me despite the flaws (Stan took the time to write this letter and then kill himself? Also, Patty saw this letter, I assume with the losers club’s names and decided to send it out? She wasn’t pissed that Stan killed himself for these people? She didn’t want any answers from them about what the fuck her husband was talking about?). It was needed to give Stan’s character some kind of redemption for how weak they made him out to be.

Pro 8: Eddie stabbed Henry with a knife he pulled out of his face Look, there’s not a lot to say about it, it was just cool. The whole scene was hilarious and Eddie Kaspbrack is a badass.

Pro 9: Pennywise is scary as shit I thought the first movie was a little heavy handed with CGI and didn’t give us enough horror movie makeup. And there was plenty of CGI here, but it felt more balanced with how much we saw of Pennywise. Honestly, Pennywise is so scary on his own, he can carry the movie. Things like the leper just look kind of fake. But Bill Skarsgard delivers.

I think that’s it!

I know there‘s stuff I left out, but I think I got the big ones. I feel bad I didn’t mention Beverly much, but her story line this time around was mostly centered around Ben. Which I could consider a flaw, but given the amount of time in the movie and how much focus she got last movie, I’m not mad about it.

[cy-fi-theansweris42]

Back at it again with the Rise of the TMNT angst! No prompt this time, just wanted to write a depressed Mikey because I’ve had a lot of stuff going on lately. (Edit: now that I think about it, it kind of works for one of the angst prompts in this post)

Trigger warnings for depression and implied/referenced self-harm. Let me know if I missed any warnings.

It felt like there was a weight on his plastron, pushing him into his hammock, trapping him there.

Mikey sighed, the action making the pressure seem to multiply tenfold as his lungs expanded and then deflated, before plastering a smile on his face. It wasn’t the first time he had woken up like this, knew how it would only get worse throughout the day as he ran around with his brothers acting like nothing was wrong, but it’s not like he could just stay in bed all day. He was the goofy one, the cheerful carefree little brother that had to make sure his brothers were happy! He couldn’t just lie around because he was feeling off, he had an important role to play.

So Michelangelo got up, tried to ignore how his limbs felt like they were filled with lead and so hard to move, checked in the camera of his phone that his too-fake smile looked real enough to fool his brothers, and ran out of his room.

-TMNT-

Mikey never meant to start this, an accidental slip when messing around with his kusari-fundo that had one of the blades slicing open his palm being the initial incident, the annoyance at the accident quickly being replaced by amazed curiosity when he realized the sharp stinging of the cut chased away the pain in his chest. Later that evening when alone in his room he’d taken a stolen knife and pressed it into the skin on his shin that was normally covered. He’d spent enough time online to know where people like him normally did this, knew that if his brothers suspected anything then the wrists where the first place they’d check, knew enough to hopefully not get caught.

Right now, they didn’t have a clue, and he’d lost track of the number of lines on his lower shins.

Michelangelo knew it was dangerous, that he could go too deep one day, but to his knowledge there weren’t any major veins or anything close to the surface where he cut, so he should be fine. Besides, it was the only relief he had from this darkness that was consuming him, chipping away at his soul and leaving him hollowed out.

Empty. A shell of his former self.

So he kept adding line after line, smiling as the stinging lifted some of the weight off his chest, made it feel like he could breathe for once and-

“Earth to Michelangelo, hello Mikey.”

Raph’s voice dragged Mikey out of his spiraling thoughts, his hands now itching to grab something sharp. Instead, he threw a sheepish smile on his face.

“What were you saying? Sorry, zoned out.”

“I was asking if you were alright.” Raph responded, the beginnings of concern etching itself into his expression. “You seemed pretty out of it, bro.”

“I’m good!” Mikey laughed, jumping off the counter where he’d been seated. “I’ve got some ideas I want to sketch out, see ya later!”

In his haste to escape, Mikey didn’t see Raphael frown in worry and start typing out a text on his phone.

-TMNT-

“Stop crying, stop crying already.”

Mikey had been drawing in one of his notebooks, aggressive charcoal lines scratched out against the page, when a drop of water fell onto the drawing, smearing the artwork. He had looked up, expecting to see water dripping down from a crack in the ceiling (it wouldn’t be the first time something like that had happened) but instead he felt something wet trail down his face from his eyes.

He was crying. That explained the water.

He had quickly wiped the tears away, no doubt smudging some of the excess charcoal coating his fingers on his mask, but those were quickly replaced with new ones until there was a steady flow streaming from his eyes and onto his lap.

“Stop crying, stop crying, you don’t have any reason to be sad so stop goddamn crying.” Michelangelo furiously whispered to himself, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes with enough force to make himself see stars.

Just as he was starting to get the tears to slow to a trickle, someone knocked on his bedroom door.

“Hey Mikey, me, Leo, and Donnie need to talk to you real quick, can we come in?” Raph’s voice drifted through the door, the request making Mikey’s posture stiffen in fear.

“Kinda busy right now Raph, maybe later.” He forced his voice to be as casual as possible while he quickly scrubbed away the last of the tears.

“It’s important bro, can’t wait.” Raphael responded, the tone beginning to shift into his “leader voice” and Mikey knew that Raph wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“Fine. Come on in.” Michelangelo relented, quickly smiling and turning towards the door.

His brothers walked into the room, their eyes going wide as they took in Mikey’s appearance, the streaks of charcoal around red-rimmed eyes no doubt causing them alarm.

“Mikey, are you ok-” “Bro, were you crying, what’s-” Both Raphael and Leonardo started, both of them rambling in concern while Donnie looked on, his own shock quickly disappearing as his gaze roamed over Mikey and around the room, trying to piece together what happened.

“Guys, I’m fine, just got some charcoal dust in my eyes, no big deal.” Mikey reassured them, hoping they wouldn’t question him too much. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Look Mikey,” Raph began as they all took a seat wherever they could find in the room. “You’ve been acting…off, and it’s got us worried.”

“You get angry a lot more and a lot faster than usual, like you just went off on Bullhop and honestly? The way you went at the DIGG girls scared me.” Leo contributed.

“You’ve been sleeping less, I’ve seen your light on at night more often than not.” Donnie added.

“And when you think we’re not looking, you kinda just curl in on yourself and look a lot sadder and tired.” Raph continued. “There’s probably more stuff that we’re overlooking, but Donnie started doing some research and, uh, well, you did the research Donnie, tell him what you found.”

“Changes in sleep patterns, irregular behavior, extreme moods, increased sadness, loss of interest in favorite activities,” Donatello checked off each one on his fingers as he listed them off. “All symptoms of depression.”

For a moment, Mikey said nothing, fear coursing through him as his heart pounded against his plastron. They knew, they couldn’t know, he couldn’t let them know!

“Me? Depressed?” Mikey laughed, trying to put as much amusement into his voice as possible. “I’m sorry Donnie but I think we need to get your head checked, there’s no way I’m depressed.”

“Mikey, you’ve been acting like this for weeks!” Leonardo pushed, throwing his hands in the air. “You’ve been spending more time alone in your room than Donnie does in his lab!”

“I’ve been working on some drawings.” Michelangelo countered.

“You haven’t added any new murals to the walls in weeks.” Raphael this time.

“Nothing I’ve wanted to add.” Mikey ground his teeth, feeling his fear at the discovery and the annoyance at how persistent his brothers were being twist into something darker.

“You haven’t made pizza for a month.” Donatello added to the list.

“I’ve been busy and Lou Mike Tony Tony’s pizza is great!” Mikey snapped, his temper boiling over. “God, there’s nothing wrong you guys, everything’s fine! Maybe I’ve had an off day or two but who doesn’t! They happen and then they’re over! No big deal!”

“Mikey, calm down, we’re-” Leo started, but Mikey continued on his rant.

“Why would you even jump to something as bad as depression, like ‘oh hey, you’ve been acting off so we think there’s something wrong with you’, and you just come in here with your accusations, acting like you know what’s up when you don’t know anything about what’s been going on and-” Mikey stopped, realizing his mistake too late.

The room was quiet.

“Michael.” Donnie started, his voice quiet. “What don’t we know?”

“Nothing, Donnie, I just…I…” Mikey trailed off, scrambling for excuses and coming up with nothing. “It’s not important.”

“What isn’t important?”

“All of, of…this!” Mikey gestured around wildly, practically throwing his arms out. “It doesn’t matter, what I’ve been feeling isn’t important because I’m the happy one, I have to be there to cheer you guys up and, and-” At the now too-familiar feeling of tears trailing down his cheeks, Mikey wiped a hand across his face, looking away from his brothers as if he could hide the tears they no doubt already saw.

Suddenly Mikey was wrapped in a hug, large familiar arms holding him close.

“Your feelings matter Mikey; don’t you dare think otherwise.” Raph said fiercely, squeezing him tighter. Enveloped in the almost crushing embrace, Michelangelo felt his throat constrict and his breathing hitch.

“I’m not supposed to be sad, Raph, I’m supposed to be happy.” Mikey choked out, his voice trembling as he looked up at his oldest brother with wide tear-filled eyes. “Why can’t I just be happy?”

The moment the question was voiced, a question he had whispered to himself alone in empty silence too many times to count, Mikey broke down, hiccupping sobs now the only sound he was capable of making. Two more sets of arms wrapped around him, cocooning the youngest turtle in warmth and support. Raphael whispered soothing words while Leo rubbed calming circles into Michelangelo’s shell and Donnie starting silently planning what they could do for Mikey, noting what he knew and what he didn’t about depression so he could research it later, right now just trying to be there for his little brother.

Now, they knew. Now, they could help their baby brother heal.

[gravitymirage]

Taking Back Control - Part 10

Warning: this chapter contains an attempt at severe self-mutilation and implies emotional abuse. If you still wish to read the chapter, the particular section of harm will have an * before and after. This selected section doesn’t mention anything particularly graphic, just the implications of what could’ve happened. I’m not sure if its triggering but I’m trying to be safe. The emotional abuse is impossible to avoid – it’s for plot and character development. Basically, this chapter is pure angst, as always whenever Dark appears. Hope you can enjoy regardless.

Dr Iplier kept his eyes locked with the monochrome being before him, pulling up his professional, confident façade. Bim, however, was grasping his hands together in a death grip, gaze averted to the floor. Amy could feel him crumple in on himself in a desperate attempt to hide. The doctor answered Dark’s inquiry carefully.

“Yes, Miss Nelson knows of Mark’s arrival tomorrow.” Dark tilted his head, letting his neck crack, before smiling. It was dead, a slight stretch of the lips that never met his eyes.

“Have you informed her of where she will be staying throughout this event?” The voice echoed through the infirmary, and Amy unwillingly flinched back.

“I was getting to that, Sir.” The doctor spoke through gritted teeth, his hands clenching at the fabric of his coat. Dark’s mouth twisted slightly at the sarcasm and anger in the doctor’s tone, leading to a somehow more horrific smile. Their pale grey complexion gave them the appearance of stone, or a dead man being carefully played by an expert puppeteer. Dark waved his hand in a smooth, dismissive gesture, shaking his head slightly.

“No need Doctor, I can take it from here.” He gazed at Amy, his eyes glinting from the shadows. “You will remain in your room, Miss Nelson. I apologise for the inconvenience, I know you must miss Mark very much. You will be allowed to see him soon.” Amy kept her mouth shut, mainly because there was nothing to say, it was a command, not a question. Besides, Dark was yet to show any signs of knowing Dr Iplier’s plan, and she had no intention of bringing his attention to it. “Now Doctor, can I ask you a question?”

Maybe she had spoken too soon.

“What is it?”

“Google was assigned to watch Miss Nelson, yet he isn’t here now. You aren’t talking behind my back now are you, doctor?” Amy tried to hide her distress. Surprisingly, Dr Iplier loosened up, smiling slightly.

“So that’s what’s gotten you worked up! No Dark, I was informing Amy about Mark’s arrival, and checking up on her concussion. Will shot Google again, he’s off repairing himself. He’ll be back shortly.” Dark nodded slowly, assessing the occupants of the room.

“And, it appears Mr Trimmer is also aiding in this endeavour?” Bim whimpered at the mention of his name.

“Yes, he is-”

“Hush now Doctor, let the man speak for himself.” Bim’s eyes shot up fearfully; his body tensed up beside her. “You’re aiding Miss Nelson, Bim?” He nodded frantically.

“Yes, Sir. She was willing for me to aid her and I’ve been assisting Google with his task!” He spoke quickly but still pronounced each word carefully to avoid error. He clasped his sweating hands together, offering a nervous smile. Dark nodded slowly, sensing the man’s unease. Playing with his prey. Amy couldn’t help but feel pity.

“Google allowed this?”

“Yes, Sir.” Bim didn’t mention that he had tricked the robot into it.

“And it’s all going smoothly?” Bim’s gaze flicked to Amy.

“Yes, S-Sir.” He faltered, and immediately he realised his mistake.

“Was that a stutter, Bim?” Dark straightened his suit and stared the man down intently. Amy and Dr Iplier were powerless to do anything.

“N-no S-Sir.” Bim cringed, covering his mouth his hand and muttering desperately. His eyes watered. Dark tutted, shaking his head slightly. The ringing increased.

“Don’t lie to me Bim. You know you can’t be a successful host if you can’t speak clearly. That is what you want to be, yes?” Bim was shaking.

“Yes, S-Sir. I’m s-sorry, Sir. I didn’t m-mean…” He trailed off, gulping. He wiped at his eyes anxiously.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it, Trimmer. You can’t say sorry on stage. How can you help Amy if you can’t speak clearly?” It was rhetorical, Amy didn’t get a chance to respond, it felt as if her mouth had been taped shut. Dark pinched the bridge of his nose in feigned frustration, and Bim lapped it right up. “I’m trying to help you, Bim.”

“I know, Sir I’m s-sorry. L-Let me-” Bim slurred away in hysterics.

“Come here, Bim.” Amy felt her blood turn to ice. Dark’s tone was cold and heartless, and there was no chance for escape now. She watched as Bim’s words died in his throat and his shoulders slumped.

“Sir, please, don’t…” Amy glanced at Dr Iplier, who looked just as mortified. There wasn’t anything they could do. Dark gestured at the floor next to him expectantly, and Bim choked back a sob. He shuffled over in defeat, falling deathly quiet. He stood beside Dark, avoiding eye contact with Amy and the doctor, instead settling his gaze onto his shoes. He was submissive, like Dark’s pet dog, following every command like his life depended on it. Maybe it did. Dark turned to Dr Iplier, smiling mockingly

“I will allow you to finish your check-up alone, Doctor.” Dr Iplier, nodded stiffly, his hands clenched tightly. Dark noted this, his gaze sweeping over the alter with calculating eyes. “Have you taken your medication today?” The doctor froze up, and Amy guarded her expression. She wouldn’t let Dark have the satisfaction of seeing her confusion.

“No.” he growled through gritted teeth, and Dark inclined his head.

“I suspected as much, make sure not to forget. I expect Amy to be in her room by nightfall.” Dark placed his pale hand on Bim shoulder, and she felt her heart clench as the man flinched. The two left, closing the curtains behind them. Their shadows disappeared immediately. The ringing was the only thing to fade away, and the second it was gone crushing relief hit her. It was fleeting, almost immediately replaced with guilt as Bim’s absence seeped in. Amy turned to confront the doctor and found him staring hollowly at the curtains. Before she could speak up, he spun around violently, causing her to leap back. He kicked the hospital bed, rattling out a loud string of curses.

“That fucking…” With a cry of frustration, he slashed out his arms, sending the equipment trolley spinning and clattering down towards the curtain, a few medical tools toppling to the floor. “Couldn’t even fucking stop it. What kind of shitty doctor am I?” After a few more kicks at the bed, he sat down heavily on the mattress, ripping at his hair, growling out blasphemies. A few moments passed where they both sat there, and Amy was unsure of what to say. Then, without a word, Dr Iplier stood, walking over to a sink and pouring himself a glass of water. He opened a cabinet, found the pills Amy assumed to be his ‘medication’ and downed them with the water. He placed the glass in the sink, then proceeded to sit down on the bed once more, looking up at Amy. She took this as her cue to speak.

“What’s going to happen to him?” She asked quietly, and the doctor sighed, rubbing his face. The way his tired eyes regarded her made him look much older than he was.

“I don’t know.” His voice was raspy defeated. Amy could tell by looking at him that this was a situation the doctor had gone through many times before. Watching his patients and friends taken away in front of him, before being left to pick up the pieces. She already had some suspicions about what the medication was for. “I’ve known something was wrong for the longest time. If it offers any reassurance, I doubt Dark will injure him. He doesn’t like getting his hands dirty, and there’s no need for him to.” What was worse was the way the doctor regarded her. He was tired and miserable, yet he was always looking at her. Always accessing her condition. Always making sure she was alright. He wasn’t considering himself.  

“When did this start?” She realised that was quite vague, “I mean, when did Dark start treating Bim like this?” He leaned back, scratching at his slight beard.

“I remember every alter that’s ever appeared. I should anyway, I’ve given them all a medical record. Mr Bim Trimmer first arrived on the 10th of December 2014, one of the later ones. He was a bustling happy young man, if not a bit egotistical. I’d found him a bit too energetic and one-track minded for my tastes, that was until he first appeared at my clinic one night.” A small smile graced Dr Iplier’s lips, and it somehow made him look even sadder. “He been utterly distraught, said he’d thought his heart had been broken. It was when Bim had first realised that Matthias had used him to get a job and had never really loved him. I think it was then that I realised there was more to his character than just ego. It was when I realised he was a person too. It wasn’t much later when he suddenly disappeared.”

“Why?” The doctor observed her solemnly.

“It didn’t take long for the fans to forget about him, and Dark saw no use for him. Bim left for the forest like every other forgotten alter. It hit him harder than any of the others, he was designed to be confident and egotistical. Bim didn’t take everyone forgetting him well. Even Mark had forgotten him.”

“That’s awful.” And Amy meant it. She couldn’t have known this was happening. She wondered if Mark had even known just how many of his characters were suffering. If he had, would he have tried to stop it? Dr Iplier nodded slowly.

“We were all being forgotten, slowly and steadily the alters were becoming no more. That is until Dark couldn’t stand it any longer. He and Wilford were the strongest of all of us, and when they asked for Bim’s abilities, he had leapt at the opportunity. Dark hadn’t needed any manipulation to get Bim on his side. Sometimes, I think Dark just relishes in breaking people. I can’t even imagine what goes through that monster’s head as he leaves Bim slowly shattering apart. He’s made Bim so reliant on his opinion that he’ll believe anything he says. Not long now before Bim truly loses everything he once stood for. He cares about you a lot Amy, and that’s saying something. He’s scared of everyone else, even me. He’s thrown all his hope and trust at Dark, and I have to sit and watch as it gets sucked away, turning the once optimistic young man into a hollow shell.” The doctor didn’t even seem to register the rant that had left his lips as he wiped his watering eyes, sighing. “I’m sick of watching everyone break around me, and now you’ve been dragged into it as well. If you wish you can go back to your room. Try and avoid the theatre, though Wilford’s probably already forgotten whatever he’d had planned.” Amy shook her head sternly, eyeing the doctor down.

“I’m waiting here with you, Bim will be back, right?” The doctor shrugged.

“I don’t know. I just hope that he’s smart enough to know that if he’s being hurt, I’m willing to treat him no questions asked. Though, he’s got too much pride to admit to anything, even if he’s bad at hiding his pain.” The doctor looked over at Amy carefully. “If you have any more questions I’m willing to answer.”

“Is the plan still going again?” A nod.

“Oliver’s already been rigged to send the email next time Mark accesses his computer. Though, as you now know, you’ll have to stay in your room.” Amy thought for a moment.

“Do you know where the Host’s been?” A shrug.

“I understand that you wouldn’t know this, but it’s rare for the Host to leave his wing. I’ve been over the change his bandages, but other than that I leave him alone, as do the others. He doesn’t like disturbances or loud noises. He just locks himself in and writes, occasionally hosting his game show. He doesn’t eat, and I’d bet he doesn’t sleep. It isn’t healthy, but all my attempts to stop it have failed.”

 * to the end.

They’d only been talking like this for a little while longer when Bim suddenly burst into the room. His face was red and shone with tears. He tossed his suit jacket to the side and with wild eyes dashed for the equipment trolley. Dr Iplier immediately jumped to his feet, but Amy got there first. She managed to restrain Bim, who was grasping desperately towards the various medical equipment positioned on the surface. The doctor quickly pushed the trolley away.

“Let go of me! Please, I have to…” The doctor held up his hands placatingly.

“Bim, calm down. Explain to me what’s going on.” Bim shook his head wildly, still attempting to escape Amy’s hold.

“I c-can’t! You wouldn’t let me!” The room started to twist and mould around them. It was as if time had sped up, the room slowly turning decrepit and decaying as roots seeped through the walls and twisted around the furniture. Dirt and dust built up, leading to growth spreading out from the floors. Amy glanced around in awe.

“What’s happening?”

“Amy, it’s just Bim’s illusions! Keep hold of-“

It was too late.

Bim broke free of her loosened grasp and grasped for the tools that had been scattered across the floor in the doctor’s earlier outburst. He fell the floor, his glasses snapping as they fell from his face and were crushed under his writhing form. The man’s hand found a scalpel. Amy reached down, only to have her palm sliced with the blade, causing her to stagger back. She held on hand tightly over the other to stem the blood flow, hissing from the sting. Dr Iplier grabbed Bim from behind, pulling him back. The scalpel slashed at Bim’s mouth, and the doctor quickly grabbed his hand, although not before the blade reached Bim’s lip. Blood trickled down his chin and stained Bim’s white dress shirt.  

“Bim, please. Take a few breaths. Try to explain what happened ok?” Amy stood frozen, watching the as Bim broke, tears mixing with the blood. The scalpel hit the floor with a clang. He spat out a mouthful of blood. The room continued to crumble and decay.

“I c-can’t st-stutter if I don’t h-have a tongue…” The doctor’s eyes widened. They shook their head in disbelief.

“Bim, what did he say to you?”

“The tr-truth. I’m use-useless. I can’t d-do my j-job properly, I’m a s-stupid sh-shitty alter that’s b-been for-forgotten…” he splattered out more blood. “I haven-haven’t listened t-to any of h-his advice, I’m n-never going to be a g-game show h-host…”

“Bim, the entire fan base loves you. Have you not checked social media?” Bim furrowed his brow.

“D-Dark won’t let me. He s-says it’s to p-protect m-me.” Dr Iplier sighed.

“He’s lying Bim. I’ll have to show you some time. Here, let’s get that lip patched up, come on.” He hoisted Bim up, pulling him into a sitting position on the nearest bed. “What happened to your jacket?”

“I r-ripped it. It’s n-not good enough. I’m going t-to get another, maybe a b-better tie…”

“Bim, your clothes are fine. What we need to get you is a new pair of glasses.” Amy finally managed to catch the doctors eye, glancing at her bleeding hand desperately. His eyes widened. “Alright Amy, let me get you a band-aid. Actually, bandages might be better for that…” Suddenly, all the illusions flickered away as Bim made eye-contact with her. It seemed he’d only just realised she was there. His eyes trailed down to her bleeding palm.

“A-Amy I d-didn’t see you…” The alter started shaking, “I swear I did-didn’t, I’m so, s-so sorry…”

“Bim, it’s fine, look.” She gestured with her free hand as the doctor wrapped her wound with bandages. “Nothing a few bandages won’t fix. We need to look at that lip…” Bim flinched, a hand wiping at the blood, only causing more to smear across his face. They winced at the pain, averting their gaze away from her in shame. Dr Iplier looked him over, before eyeing Amy seriously.

“It might be best if you leave. You’ll be going tomorrow, I need a moment with Bim.” Amy nodded slowly, numbly making her way out of the room. She took one last glance the doctor kneeled in front of his crying patient. This wasn’t about her safety anymore, she realised as she snuck back down to her room, keeping an eye out for Wilford. This was about all the other alters as well.

She had to get them out of here.

Start - Previous - Next

[sweetandlethal]

BTS Fic Rec

This took me so long istg.

Under the cut because this is really long

Taekook

Hiraeth by haruguk

Words: 100,533                   Status: Complete                NSFW/ANGST

Summary: Jeongguk has learned the hard way from the tender age of thirteen when his father pushed him down the stairs, that people are a disappointment. They always will be and so he breaks hearts instead.

Hurt people hurt people.

Jeongguk likes hurting girls, but he doesn't like hurting Kim Taehyung.

Notes: This one is really good, is super angsty. Be aware of 1. Drug Addiction, 2. Implied/Referenced Abuse, 3. Self-harm, 4. Mental Instability. Basically read it if you’re ready for a ton of angst.

Sexy Bitch by miyukitsune

Words: 4,812                        Status: Complete                NSFW

Summary: Jeongguk somewhat really likes Taehyung's mouth, and ass, and fangs.

Notes: This one is al smut BUT it’s really funny. Jungkook is a werewolf, Taehyung is kind of a vampire. Jungkook has ADHD. Jungkook wants. That. Ass.

your goodbye is my beginning by jhopeg

Words: 22,706                     Status: Complete                NSFW

Summary: one is bad at being good, the other is too good for his own good

(alt. bad boy!kook gets a taste of the sweet life)

Notes: Honestly… just go read it. Sexy times with plot and lots of feelings.

Vmin

cut it out / pull me in by minblush

Words: 7,815                        Status: Complete                NSFW

Summary: Jimin has a hair pulling kink, and goes to get his hair cut one day because it’s getting too long, and Jungkook has started to laugh at the way it keeps falling into his face. Taehyung is the hairdresser that ends up cutting it, and he keeps pulling his hair by accident. Queue Jimin trying to hold back the moans, and getting really turned on.

you're so fine you could make an impression on monet by sunttae

Words: 2,392                        Status: Complete                FLUFF

Summary: park jimin; bitter tour guide, dance student, human sunshine

and apparently, bad joke enthusiast?

Notes: Super cute. Super funny. Embarrassing sweethearts.

tell me we'll never get used to this by cumulus

Words: 3,047                        Status: Complete                NSFW/FLUFF

Summary: Taehyung wakes up to Jimin looking like something out of a fairytale. Okay, fine—maybe it's just the canopy this bed came with, but he didn't book the Fairytale Suite for nothing. They're at Disneyland, they're married, and he's going to make the most of it.

Love By Kim Seokjin by internetpistol

Words: 3,399                        Status: Complete                FLUFF &CRACK

Summary: Once upon a time, although Seokjin doesn’t know if this is where the story begins or where it ends, two fools fall madly in love.

“Hyung.” Jungkook says, monotonously. “That sounds so soft, it’s disgusting.”

“Shut the fuck up, JK. This is my story time, not yours. Maybe when you start boning Yoongi, I’ll tell a story about you two. I’ve heard you jerk off to him in the bathroom too many times to count.”

“Jesus, hyung.”

“Yeah, exactly like that.”

to the moon and back by kaythebest

Words: 80,055                     Status: Complete                SUPERNATURAL ELEMENTS

Summary: "The other kids think that Jimin is strange. And he is, to be fair. Sometimes Jimin talks to people that aren’t there. Sometimes he starts crying, randomly, and then a moment later the wailing siren of an ambulance or police car can be heard outside. Sometimes he just shuts down and won’t talk to anyone."

Jimin and Taehyung are basically professionals. When they're called in to deal with a werewolf terrorizing a small town, they know the deal.

Things are rarely as they seem.

chasing the sun (and the moon) by sunshineline

Words: 28,267                     Status: Complete                HURT/COMFORT

Summary: Jimin gets kicked out. Taehyung goes with him.

Notes: Running away. Jimin is authistic. Trans Character. Homophobia, Transphobia. Read it, it’s really sweet.

love in the Mesozoic era by sunshineline

Words: 1,301                        Status: Complete                (I’d say) FLUFF

Summary: “Do you think we’ll get married?” Taehyung asks, staring at his laptop screen. His glasses slide down his nose and he brushes them back with his wrist.

Jimin considers this, a little giddy, imagining a wedding and imagining not having a wedding and instead just getting the certificate and imagining Aepyornis towering over both of them officiating. “Yes, I think we will.”

Taegi

i take off my hands and give them to you by madcap

Words: 2,685                        Status: Complete                FLUFF

Summary: Yoongi is an expert sleeper.

Notes: Yoongi is trying hard. Yoongi has impressive sleeping skills.

So Kiss Me by mucha

Words: 3,070                        Status: Complete                FLUFF

Summary: Taehyung cranes his neck to see the words written on the piece of paper. Paper passing game. Oh fuck.

Yoongi chose the game, so he's the first player. Taehyung is sitting next to him. Taehyung is actually the only person sitting next to him. Ergo, Yoongi is going to pass the paper to him. The super thin piece of paper. Mouth to mouth.

Fuck.

Notes: Everyone is emotionally constipated

any way i can by squeen

Words: 4,444                        Status: Complete                FALLING IN LOVE

Summary: The thing about love, Taehyung thinks, is that there’s really no way to know its happening until it already has.

Dream Mixed with Sleep Paralysis (The Last) by hobicarus

Words: 10,072                     Status: Complete                FLUFF/LIGHT ANGST

Summary: In which Taehyung has to become a doctor but he’s scared of death and Yoongi wants to become a rapper but he’s scared of himself.

“Fuck the money for the rent, Taehyung. Fucking fuck the rent. I will pay it for you. I will make double shifts, fuck, I’ll clean the floor with my tongue if that’s necessary.” it’s what he says, but it’s the way he says it that makes something click.

The gaze of Taehyung shifts from Yoongi’s pyjamas to his face and he looks at him right in the eye.

“You will clean the floor with your tongue, hyung?”

hard to say "i don't" when i do by vsyubs

Words: 3,149                        Status: Complete                FLUFF

Summary: Taehyung gets down on one knee.

“Min Yoongi,” he begins.

Yoongi sucks in a breath. “Oh God.”

“Min Yoongi, you have made me the happiest man on earth, because, well, you lost. I spent one whole dollar on this ring. Will you go on the worst date ever with me?”

A bet goes wrong. At least, by Yoongi's standards.

put a sweet little flavor in my mouth by euphoria

Words: 1,313                        Status: Complete                FIRST MEETING

Summary: “You have to kiss me,” Gucci Stranger says and okay. Okay what.

Heartbeats by mucha

Words: 4,426                        Status: Complete                PINNING

Summary: Yoongi is a painter, Taehyung sleeps in his bed.

Notes: Go fucking read it now, it’s literally so so good.

let you fall in love with me (and we’ll be whatever we wanna be) by tiramisu

Words: 5,602                        Status: Complete                NSFW

Summary: Yoongi craves the control, and Taehyung craves Yoongi’s attention.

Notes: Porn With Plot and Feelings. Go read it.

i'd trade all my tomorrows (for just one yesterday) by triangularism

Words: 1,410                        Status: Complete                ANGST

Summary: When Yoongi breathes in, he swears he can feel a part of Taehyung’s soul settling in his lungs, and it burns but there’s something beautiful about the pain of being owned by someone who’s so painfully unaware.

or,

Taehyung meets Yoongi for the first time every day, and by the next morning, he’s forgotten and Yoongi has to make him remember again, and some mornings are Good Days and others are Not So Good Days and the rest are Better.

Notes: The Notebook but even fucking sadder. I shed five tears.

you ruin every song by roachprince

Words: 17,761                     Status: Complete                ANGST WITH A HAPPY ENDING

Summary: When Yoongi is seventeen, he falls in love with Taehyung.

When Yoongi is nineteen, he fucks it up.

When Yoongi is twenty-five, he finally gets to make things right.

Notes: aka how I became a Taegi sucker.

[justabookworm39]

I think you’re my best friend (RvB Angst War Fanfic)

Summery:

gkingoffez said: RvB Angst War prompt- Caboose breaks his leg in the middle of a fight, and Tucker gets hurt trying to drag him out. Carolina and Epsilon find them once the battle is over. Happy or sad ending, you decide. *finger guns*

Nobody wanted to admit how much they cared until then.

Warnings: Language, injuries (and abuse of said injuries b/c Caboose tried to stand up with a broken leg), emotional breakdowns(?), heavily implied but not onscreen character death.

Pairings: Blue Team BroT3 (AKA Platonic!Church/Tucker/Caboose), with a dash of some other friendships mentioned.

Notes: This is... the first time I’ve cried while writing. Maybe this is among my best works, maybe it’s just because I love these three and their friendship so much. (This is also my first time writing RvB fanfiction from the first-person P.O.V., so that might have something to do with it.) Either way, I hope this makes you guys as emotional as it did me.

Also, I was going to give it a happy ending, but I liked the sad ending too much to ‘fix’ it. If you want the happy ending, you’ll have to prompt me for it when Fluff Week starts.

Finally, the title is a quote from Fall Out Boy’s ‘The Kids Aren’t Alright.’ Combined with Jem’s ‘24 Hours’ and Matt Corby’s ‘Brother,’ it made a very sad soundtrack that I hope at least one person listens to while they read this.

“Tucker, come in. Everything alright?” God dammit, why isn’t he picking up? “Tucker, for fuck’s sake, just let me know you’re alive, got it?”

“Everything alright?” Carolina asked, returning from talking to Kimball. The battle was finally over-for now, at least-and everyone was regrouping. I hadn’t been able to keep track of everyone, but I knew Tucker and Caboose had led their respective units off in one direction. Surely they’d be fine.

Right?

“Tucker’s not answering his radio.”  At that point, I glanced up and saw Green Team and Blue Team heading towards us. “Fucking finally.” Maybe they could tell me what the dipshits were doing.

One of the soldiers-Lieutenant Palomo-picked up the pace, practically running to us. “Church! Agent Carolina! Something’s really wrong! We need help! We-”

Lieutenant Smith came up behind Palomo and cut him off. “Something happened during the battle.”

“Yeah, I kinda figured that out.”

Carolina ignored me, saying, “What’s wrong? Is it about Caboose and Tucker?”

Palomo piped up again, saying, “Captain Caboose broke his leg! Captain Tucker stayed behind-he told us to keep fighting, he said he’d keep Captain Caboose safe-but when we went back to find them later, they were gone!”

What?

“What we did find were a couple of space pirate bodies with sword wounds,” Smith continued. “We don’t know where they went, but we have to find them.”

Before Carolina could say anything, I found myself yelling, “Yeah, no shit, we have to find them! Palomo!” I turned to Tucker’s prize lieutenant, “Go find Wash!” He’d spent a lot of time looking for downed agents, surely he could find the guys, right? “And Smith! Where’d you lose them?”

“This way.” Smith took off with the rest of his team behind him.

“Come on, C.”

“Church, slow down. We have to be careful. They could’ve gotten captured, or-”

“No, they didn’t. They got lost because it’s Caboose and Tucker and Tucker was probably too busy bragging about killing those space pirates to look where he was going and Caboose is Caboose. They’re fine.”

All of those were lies, I was sure. Tucker would’ve been able to keep track of where he was going and Caboose wasn’t that dumb and they weren’t lost, they were hurt, maybe they were-

“Church. It’s alright. We’ll find them.”

I was starting to realize they wouldn’t find us. At least, not in time.

We’d sat in the sinkhole we’d dove into to avoid the space pirates for hours now. Our armor protected us from the worst of the impact, so we were, at least, no more injured than we’d been before the fall. Caboose played with Freckles, tossing and turning the rifle in his hands as he spoke to it, while I tried to ignore the pain in my side. Just a gunshot; I could live through this.

I hoped.

“Tucker?”

“What is it, man?”

“Why hasn’t anyone found us yet?”

“Well, we came down here to hide from the space pirates, right?”

“Yeah.”

“And we’re still alive, right?”

“Well, uh, my leg really hurts and I do not think I can really walk without somebody else using their legs… but yes. I am still alive.”

“So, clearly this was a good hiding place. Which means it’s gonna be kinda hard for the Chorus army to find us.”

“Oh, oh, that’s it! We are too good at hiding!” He looked up at the gap in the ceiling, yelling, “WE GIVE UP! COME FIND US NOW!”

“Caboose, I don’t think anyone can hear us,” I said, though that didn’t stop him from continuing to yell at the sky. I chuckled sadly. Over the past several hours, I found that Caboose was the worst person to be trapped with. Not because he could be annoying-though that really didn’t help-but because of how hard it was to explain just how bad the situation was. How hard it would be to explain if we couldn’t get out.

If I couldn’t get out.

“Tucker?”

“Hm?”

“Your face looks weird.”

I chuckled. “Hey, there’s no need to be an ass about it.”

“No, not your normal weird. Different weird. Bad weird.” Caboose sat up, trying to crawl towards me, but stopped suddenly, flinching at he moved his leg. “Ow.”

I thought for a moment. Maybe I should tell him. I felt woozy. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold out… “Want me to sit next to you, buddy?” I saw him do a double take. Usually, calling him ‘buddy’ was a Church thing. I wasn’t sure why I said it. Maybe I thought it’d made him feel better.

He nodded. “Yeah, I’d like that.” I crawled across the stone, only to stop a few feet away from him, wincing and throwing a hand over my side. “Tucker?” I heard him gasp dramatically, and he grabbed my shoulders, sitting me down next to him. “Stupid Tucker, that’s not good! You-you do not move when you are shot!”

I felt tears running down my face, partly due to the pain, and partly due to the fact that I couldn’t hide this from him any longer. “Hey, big guy. I need to tell you something.” I swallowed thickly. “I… I hate to have to tell you this, but… I don’t know if I’m gonna make it out.”

Caboose was quiet for a second. Then, “Tucker, don’t be stupid. You-why would they get me out of this hole, and not you? I-now you’re just being silly.”

“That’s… not what I meant.” I took a deep breath. He’d… never had a great grasp on the concept of death. When it came to when we thought Freckles was dead, Wash told me that Caboose never caught onto what it meant. Not to mention Church… Then again, if he kept coming back, it was kinda hard to blame Caboose for that.

But I wasn’t like Church, or Freckles. I wouldn’t come back.

“...I got hurt pretty badly, Caboose. I… by the time somebody gets here to rescue you, I’m probably not gonna be here.”

Caboose stared at me, wide-eyed. “But-but where would you go?” He still didn’t get it.

“I-I think I’m going to die before help gets here. And I’m not coming back.” Saying it out loud made me sick to my stomach. It hadn’t fully set in-I was worrying about my teammate-but just then, I realized it. I was going to die.

Oh god, I was going to die. I wouldn’t get to see any of my other friends again. Church, Wash, Carolina, Grif-

I’d never get to see Junior again. He’d be an orphan.

I was caught up in my own thoughts, so I didn’t notice Caboose moving until I heard him whimper. Looking down, I realized he was trying to force himself to his feet, holding me in his arms. “Caboose? Buddy, what-”

“I-Maybe, if I stand up…” I heard him sniffle in pain, as when I looked up at him, I saw fat tears rolling down his cheeks. “Maybe… Maybe I can boost you out… Then somebody will can you and find us…”

“Caboose, stop!” I shifted just enough to place a hand on his shoulder. “You can’t do anything, you’re just going to hurt yourself!”

“No! I-I will be fine, just-” He yelped, his broken leg crumbling beneath him, and we tumbled to the floor. “I-I-No! No, I…” He looked down at me, terrified. “But-But, Tucker, I-I don’t want you to leave!”

“I… I know, Caboose. I’m sorry.” I fought back tears. I didn’t want to make him sadder. “Hey, it’s okay, you can put me down.” I don’t want you to have to hold my corpse.

“Tucker…” Caboose gently put me on the floor. He looked away, then said, “Do you want to talk to Freckles?”

I smiled slightly. “Heh, sure, buddy. Might make me feel better.”

I don’t know how much Tucker was sleeping before somebody found us. I let him hold Freckles, because Freckles made me feel better, and Tucker probably would have also liked talking to Wash or Agent Carolina or even Church, but-

But none of them were there. It was just me and Tucker. And I had to make Tucker feel better. Because he’s my friend.

I don’t know what happened after that. My memory gets fuzzy sometimes, when things get scary, and my memory was really fuzzy then. I remember Smith was there. He was happy I was alright. The scary doctor lady was there, too, and-and so was Church.

“Caboose! Oh, fucking Christ, you’re alive!” He was all ghosty-like, so he couldn’t hug me, but Wash could, and he did, and I think Church wanted to hug me, too.

Tucker still wasn’t waking up.

I remember Church crying-I think he was crying-because he was happy that I was safe again. But then I heard him ask somebody else something that made me sad.

“Is Tucker alright, too?”

I remember Agent Carolina and Church talking.

“Church, you should stay with Caboose.”

“I know, but I think he’s fine. What about Tucker?”

“Church, please, just… stay over there.” Carolina always sounded so brave, but not now.

“Why? What’s wrong, Carolina?!”

Then Wash joined them. I think he was crying again. “Oh, god. No…”

“What? What is it?”

“Church, please, don’t-”

Silence. Then I heard Church screaming. “Oh, fucking… No! No, he can’t- Tucker! Tucker, wake up! You can’t just- No, goddammit, no!”

I started crying. “I-I-I’m sorry, Church. I tried to help him-” I curled up, closing my eyes. I wanted everything to be alright again. “I couldn’t, I’m sorry, he’s sleeping now, he’s gone, I’m sorry.”

I felt something appear next to me, and I opened my eyes to see Church floating in front of me. “I know you did, buddy. It’s OK. You must’ve been really brave.”

I reached up, wiping my eyes. “But-but he’s gone. I couldn’t...”

“I know.” Church sat down in mid-air, and he flickered. His helmet went away and I saw his face-I hadn’t seen it in a while, and even though his hair was more red than it was last time I saw it, I knew it was him. He smiled sadly at me. “But you tried. And sometimes…” He looked away. “Sometimes, that’s all you can do.”