#this has been your angst for the day tyvm

[ouchiis]

          THE FIXER UPPER .     

⇢   ❛⠀✦    OUYE  DOESN'T  KNOW  HOW  TO  NOT  SAVE  PEOPLE. ⇢   ❛⠀☾    HE  NEVER  had  someone  to  save  him  as  a  child.  it  seems  that  ,  since  his  birth  ,  tragedy  was  written  in  his  blood.  perhaps  that  is  simply  how  fate  has  it.  it's  cruel  ,  yes  ,  but  after  so  many  years  of  misfortune  after  misfortune  ,  he  eventually  learnt  how  to  handle  it  ,  how  to  romanticise  it  and  find  beauty  in  it  ,  even  in  the  strangest  of  places.  and  he  heavily  sympathizes  with  the  poor  fools  who  experience  tragedy  just  as  often  as  he  does.  he  knows  what  it's  like  to  have  your  heart  broken  ,  time  and  time  again.  all  he  wishes  to  be  to  broken  ,  beaten  people  like  him  is  a  source  of  solace  and  remedy. ⇢   ❛⠀✩    AND  THAT'S  PRECISELY  HIS  PROBLEM. ⇢   ❛⠀♡    OUYE  FINDS  himself  naturally  drawn  to  people  who  are  broken  and  believes  that  ,  somewhere  ,  somehow  ,  there's  something  good  in  them.  that  they  aren't  beyond  redemption.  and  while  this  hope  does  break  the  harsh  exteriors  of  some  people  ,  what  about  those  who  won't  stop  hurting  him  ?  those  who  merely  seek  to  take  advantage  of  him  ?  those  who  refuse  to  change  ,  no  matter  how  hard  he  tries  ?  those  who  don't  even  need  to  be  fixed  ?  OUYE  gets  to  know  someone  ,  and  he's  immediately  analysing  them  to  figure  out  what  damage  has  been  done  to  them.  he  has  a  soft  spot  for  notably  hurt  people  or  people  susceptible  to  hurt  like  children  ,  but  .  .  .  what  about  everybody  else  ?  he  can't  even  imagine  such  a  thing. ⇢   ❛⠀⊹    TRUTH  be  told  ,  he  focuses  so  much  on  other  people's  damage  to  neglect  himself.  he  doesn't  need  to  be  fixed;  in  his  eyes  ,  he's  already  been  damaged  enough.  he's  sad  ,  it's  as  simple  and  tragic  as  that.  he's  long  accepted  that  fact.  all  he  can  do  is  save  other  people  before  the  damage  gets  worse.  but  .  .  .  he  focuses  so  much  on  helping  other  people  that  he  can't  help  himself.  he's  not  okay  ,  and  it's  as  simple  and  tragic  as  that.  he's  so  focused  on  protecting  other  people  and  helping  them  heal  that  he  refuses  to  accept  his  own  hurt.  in  fact  ,  he's  made  peace  with  it;  he  hasn't  rejected  it  ,  he  merely  accepts  wounds  as  they  come.  and  if  he  continues  waiting  until  the  sadness  eventually  breaks  him  .  .  .  well  ,  that's  bad  news  no  matter  what  verse  he's  in. ⇢   ❛⠀☽    OF  COURSE  ,  this  seems  like  such  a  petty  issue  to  analyse.  he's  a  savior  in  some  senses.  however  .  .  .  i'd  much  more  compare  him  to  a  martyr.

[imraespace]

HONESTLY, I SHOULD'VE BEEN THERE..

Friends with someone like him came with certain prices, one was by choice and one was by fault. You told him one day that it's never his fault yet he still blames himself and say that he should've been there..

SUGURU X READER

genre: angst, fluff (I think..)

WARNING: death..(sorry), mentions of a disease, bullying.

imraesnote: my summer rn is sad so you too, feel sad with me tyvm also guess what movie this was based of its really easy!

<- 1K SPECIAL

"SUGURU, GOOD MORNING!"

Those are normally the common words everyone hear as soon as the male enters the classroom every morning.

His signature smile, a smile that brightens everyone's life for that moment, is also another common thing in the morning.

But for you, your common thing in the morning is the small hug he gives you, before making his way towards his friends.

.

.

.

A hug! followed with a bright smile.

Those were the common actions both you and him did everyday. In pre-school, in middle school.

The way his small arms wrapped around your smaller body every morning and when it was time to leave and meet up with your parents, those same arms found themselves right back around you.

Same way he got taller, slightly bigger yet the actions stayed the same. In the morning, his slightly bigger frame is cuddling yours, and in the afternoon..

His arms wrapped around you and you did the same. yet that time you felt the need to pull him closer and hold on tightly. Maybe you're scared that he might run away. Would he? Or would you?

.

.

.

What about you? What's common for you?

The half hug you gave and the weak smile you framed. That seems about right.

Yet for some reason he just didn't get it. It never got to him. Maybe because he's too focused on his new life. Are you even in there?

.

.

.

Your school life isn't anything interesting, you're just there really. You wake up, get ready, go to school then go back home. Yep that's it.

Maybe these girls thought that, hey your life seems a bit dull! Why not make it worse.

So as you closed your locker, it wasn't a big surprise to see that the same trio who won't keep themselves out of your life, right there, next to you.

Naturally, you've learnt to block them out. You don't care about their faces yet the words always seems to hit you the most.

It's mostly.. partly.. actually. It's mainly about the one and only.

"Suguru..."

Suguru this, Suguru that. If you want him so much then go find him yourself, not make my life a hell. That's what goes through in your head everytime you hear his name from these girls. Its either using you to get to him or lashing out on you for being too close to him.

You sighed, zoning out until they left.

.

.

.

Now you're home, alone. Like normal.

Taking off your school shoes, making your way towards your room and taking out whatever assignment you got, maybe trying to forget everything that happened today, just like you did for the previous day and the day before.

Your eyes landed on a certain paper, and stared at the mark on it.

You got a bad mark.. This wasn't usual.

The frown that was creeping up whole day, had finally made its way onto your face.

And with that, you just landed on your bed, shoving your face deep into the blanket hoping that maybe everything will just go away.

.

.

.

"Y/N? Y/N!" His voice.

Before you could react, a ball landed right on your forehead.

"ow.." You mumbled, rubbing the pain away.

His short legs ran towards you with a small pout as he glared at the other kids on the playground.

"Try aiming somewhere else next time!" he yelled at the random boy and all he got in response was a tongue out from the boy.

Suguru rolled his eyes, rubbing your forehead.

That's right, Suguru has always been there to help you.

So right now, the notifications from your phone, reminding you that he's not here to help you anymore, he's out there with them, enjoying his life.

.

.

.

Your phone rang, waking you up from your sleep. You don't remember falling asleep..

Maybe you did when you tried to disappear into your blanket before, oh well.

It was a call from your mother.

"Y/N. Did you take the medicine I left on the counter?"

Medicine..

You didn't reply back instantly, you just rose from the bed and made your way towards the kitchen.

"I found it. Thank you." You mumbled, hanging up the phone.

You took them. As usual.

It was 2:00am, and at that time, you decided to take a shower.

.

.

.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

Suguru eyes was glued onto his screen.

His white haired friend sighed as the brown haired girl turned towards their direction.

"Maybe you're trying too much. Give her some space." She said.

But it didn't help him.

"I should be there for her."

His eyes didn't look away from the thousands of messages he sent you and not once he got a reply. Of course he noticed that weak smile and half hug he got in return.

But he didn't speak up, he didn't wanted to ruin the small, weak relationship you both are hanging onto right now.

Something deep down inside him, he feels that you're hiding something, maybe you have a reason for pushing him away.

.

.

.

Taking showers at odd hours like this was one of your favorite activities. It helps wash away the worries and thoughts that lay heavy on your shoulders throughout the day.

You turned on the tap causing the water to burst out the shower head, turning from ice cold to the warm temperature you wanted.

The water that hit your body drowned out all sounds from outside. You closed your eyes, enjoying the feeling of the water as it ran off you. It seems your mind has it own will as it ran off to memories you don't really enjoy..

.

.

.

" -..Are you listening?"

If you're gonna be honest you stopped listening as soon as you heard it.

A disease.. Heart disease..

You felt as if maybe you might die in that moment, maybe tomorrow, who will know?

You disconnected yourself from the conversation, focusing on your fingers at that moment. The first thing you thought of was..

"What will Suguru do if he found out?"

.

.

.

Pitter. Patter.

Suddenly the sounds of the shower was back in your head. Now you felt cold, as if you've been in there for a while.

How long were you in the shower?

The sad memory made you remember something important. After the 3 years of being aware of your disease, you have yet to tell him.

You turned off the shower and let out a sigh.

Maybe tomorrow you will tell him but right now, you really want to sleep.

At 3:05am you decided to drift off in the dreamland.

.

.

.

Suddenly a small milk box appeared in front of your face. Strawberry infact.

You look up from the table and towards the person infront of you.

None other than..

"Good morning.." You mumbled.

Suguru's smile widen as in return to your words he gave you a hug. A warm one that gave you life. The life that's on a gamble right now but that's not on your mind right now, what's on it is..

"Suguru." You let out, with a smile.

He pulled away from the hug and gave you the same smile he had from before.

He grabbed his chair from behind him and sat right infront of you.

"How are you feeling?" He asked you, turning his head to the side.

You followed his actions, causing the both of you to giggle.

"I'm okay actually.." You replied. Yet it caused him to raise his eyebrow in confusion.

"Okay? Yesterday you were amazing, why is it different today..?" He mumbled.

You masked it up really good.. is what you thought.

"I'm turning a new leaf." You joked.

But he didn't like it. His smile dropped a bit, which caused yours to drop completely.

But.. when he took his fingers and guided it towards your face, taking his pointy fingers to bring back your smile, the genuine one to found its way back.

His fingers then made its way towards yours, intertwining them while pulling you a bit closer.

"Now copy my words."

"Today I'm feeling amazing.."

You decided that maybe if you moved your lips the same way he did, it will be easy to lie through your teeth infront of the one you love. Maybe.. if you lie this one time, you can repay it by giving yourself a small bit of punishment later but right now..

Wait right now you're crying.

The smile he brought on your face were faltering, the tears were falling and you couldn't believe what you were thinking. Lie to him?

Lie to the boy who gave you life and offered his love to you in different ways he could? Why think like that?

"Why are you crying..?"

Why are you him? Why are you the way you are?

.

.

.

That, sadly, was your breaking point. You didn't wanted to lie to him.. but you didn't have the heart to confess about your problem. You knew that he should know but soon you notice that he hung out less with you and met new people.

But you can't blame him..

Yet he blames himself. Everytime he hung out with Shoko and Satoru all he thought of what went wrong that day?

All he knew was that he should be there for you.

He tried to, he continued to give the hugs, the smiles and the good mornings but it seemed like you didn't want them anymore.. So he tried another method, maybe you would rather talk online instead.

No. He was wrong again, but he didn't give up. He lost count on how many times he tried to make you open back up that it felt numb to give up.

After three years who would?

.

.

.

Now rest Suguru, in his bed up at 3:05am, staring at your contact name. He wonders if he should call you..

His thoughts went on until 3:34am when he finally decided to call you, but he doesn't hear your voice. It just goes to voice mail.. Why are you ignoring him?

He wonders if you're over with his desperate attempts, trying to force his way back into your life.

Maybe he is desperate, he just want everything to go back how it was 3 years ago, the day before that one when you broke down right infront of him.

Oh how he knows how much you wanted that as well, how the feeling of hiding from him and pushing everyone away were eating you up from inside.

The last thing that was in your mind, was finally opening up to him. Forget those girls, forget your words. It was enough and you've finally made up your mind.

But sadly.. Your life just decided that it was too late.

Those unanswered phone calls, the desperation he felt, was all for nothing as in your sleep you finally gave up on life.

.

.

.

The first few messages you received from him, you noticed them but you pushed it away.

You already made up your mind on your life and out of sadness, feeling that the world is unfair to you, you decided to write out your feelings in a book. How you wanted to tell him that you had very dear feelings for him and how you always wanted to tell him but you couldn't, because you won't be here for long.

You remember a few words that stood out in that book, that you always reminded yourself that it wasn't his fault.

Each time a word was placed in that book the more the tears came falling down. You ended your small confession with two simple words.

"For Suguru."

.

.

But now it wasn't only your tears on that book. It was now decorated with his own, it kept on falling as he read the words.

It was his fault for not realizing that something was wrong with you and it was his fault for not trying hard enough to figure out your feelings.

He knew that he should've been there yet he wasn't.

It was unfair to you.

A few days have passed, could be a month, he doesn't care. All he cared about was that honestly.. he should've been there.

Yet now here he is, laying in that same bed he was in trying to call you when at that time you chose to sleep on for a long time.

Here he is reading over those words again and again.

How he wished he could've known your real feelings.

[danpuff-ao3]

🥝 and 🍐 for the ask meme! 😃

Hiya Lissia!! Thanks for the asks!

🥝 What’s your favorite trope/AO3 tag to write?

Oooh! So many! Enemies to lovers is a big one, though I don't always tag it...the ships I ship often fall that way, aha! Getting together, angst, unhealthy relationships, age gaps...all the fun stuff! Ooh and there's the spice, too...first times are a special love. And parseltongue kink...my oh my.

Though I guess stripping away all of the more general type stuff, I really love writing infidelity, or other betrayals. I like it best when my OTP is cheating with each other, but some days I'm in a particularly brutal mood and search for them cheating on each other.

In some ways, that I hate to admit, part of it is just...a testament to the strength of my OTP, the irresistibility of their connection. My great love of all things angsty and wrong.

A lot of it, though, is just working through how deeply impacted I've been by infidelity. My father has never been faithful in his life. And in a truly twisted decade long period he dragged his entire family into a very toxic relationship. My dad and his partner cheated with each other, and then on each other. And even once they broke up and he married his now-wife, I don't think it truly ended until...well, let's just say it had no choice but to end.

I was once engaged, and cheated on. I've seen how cheating has impacted so many people in my life. And it's so...selfish, and terrible, and I don't condone it in the least.

...unless it's fictional and getting my boys together, dang it.

🍐 Is there anything in canon that you absolutely hate and love to fix in fics? A wrong choice made, a fuck-up in characterization, a misunderstanding never cleared up, a conversation never shown onscreen, etc…

SEVERUS SNAPE DID NOT DIE I REFUSE, I 100% REFUSE, IT DIDN'T HAPPEN, FIGHT ME ON IT.

Also he's gay af and anyone who thinks he had romantic feelings for Lily is just deeply confused. People can have very intense friendships, tyvm.

Those are the big ones. Stop doing my man dirty like that.

ALSO: Harry Potter is not an Auror, wtf bullshittery is that?? Jk if you like it, cool, that's gravy. I just can't wrap my head around it. Hasn't he fought enough evil for one lifetime? Can't he go teach at Hogwarts or play Quidditch or own an antique shop or something?? Let the man rest, dang it!

Fruit Asks!

Answered: 🍒; 🥭; 🥝, 🍐

[bambisnc]

impurities [ft. h.yj]

pairing : yunjin x winter's sister!reader genre : fluffyy w tiny sprinkles of angst cw/tw : kissing + use of caps/swearing + reader gets sister-zoned by yunjin like once ;-; wc : 1k !!

sister's bsf!yunjin mmm

she's been besties w minjeong since forever and your sister is very possessive of her

not to say that she isn't possessive of you !

she just wants the 2 main girlies of her life not making heart eyes at each other tyvm

but how can yunjin help herself from falling for you? you're so sweet, so cute, so pure well at least that's what she thinks; extremely different from her ditching classes, being stuck in detention 24/7, playing in a rock band self

you've always been her biggest supporter - always been there to cheer her on, to wipe her tears because she can't help that your presence makes her want to show all parts of her to you - the good, the bad and the ugly

so she drops in some a lot of flirty remarks around you, teases you in the hopes of seeing your oh so adorably flustered face as you struggle to respond to her way too suggestive quips

yunjin is always quick to keep winter's annoyance at bay however by also making sure to gush about "this gorgeous girl she's been talking to who she met at one of their band's concerts"

you're pretty fed up of this hot and cold behaviour of hers, to be honest

because how can yunjin go from looking at you like she could see entire galaxies in your eyes as she follows you around like a lost puppy to coolly ignoring your attempts to make conversation with her, droning on and on about how she has to get some other girl's number? and there's also the millions of times she's referred to you as the sister she's never had... :/

obviously winter ends up finding out eventually bc come on. yunjin really isn't that subtle with her ogling

but gasp gasp? she's actually really supportive! she gives you both her blessings to "finally fucking make out or something the tension is killing me ugh"

absolutely letting no time waste, yunjin decides to properly confess and get a chance to woo you how you deserve to wooed :( &lt;3

but,

seems like there's trouble in paradise!

because you're apparently going out w someone?! yunjin physically feels her heart breaking when she sees you hug a pretty girl w long black hair and her then kissing your cheek TWICE and calling you 'darling'?? she's never seen her around before and you couldn't already be this close with just a friend???

completely dejected when she explains this situation to her bsf, minjeong goes :O and then her face turns a rather angry (or flustered?) shade of red on hearing your alleged lover's description

she apparently knows who that girl is and she can definitely confirm that you're not dating her

minjeong sus. yunjin will confront her suspicious behaviour another day. but right now you're more important; if you were not romantically involved with that girl.. why would you pretend to be..?

as she sees you walk towards where the 2 girls were sitting on yunjin's bed, winter immediately shouts something about "needing privacy right now and claiming that you both must not enter the room at any costs and leave RIGHT NOW !!!!!" yunjin is pushed out the door to an equally shocked you

"isn't that your room.." you very cleverly point out "i've learned not to question your sister's strange, strange ways.." yunjin mutters back

she knew what winter wanted her to do, she could practically hear her menacingly excited laughter

so yunjin fixes a charming smile on her face and offers a little walk, just you and her &lt;3

you nod, despite there being visible hesitance written all over your awkward figure

the "little" walk ends up going on for rather long, seeming longer than it actually was, in fact, due to neither of you saying a word to each other

but finally when you decide to attempt some small talk, yunjin interrupts you, "why did that girl kiss you yn."

... this, quite validly, offends you, "oh i'm sorry am i obligated to tell you about each and every single person i'm romantically into?"

"uh no! of course not it's just um how could you just.." she's at a loss of words because such hostility from you makes her confident persona crumble so fast that at any other moment you would've laughed. a lot.

"i don't want to be talking about this with someone who thinks of me as their sister" you bitterly spit out, ready to walk away from her before the tears threatening to spill over your waterline make their way down your now heated face

as you turn, however, yunjin grabs your wrist and pulls you back, forcing you to fall into her arms as you desperately clutch her shoulders to not fall

"yunjin ??? WHAT do you think you're doing???" before you can push yourself away from her she brings her face so, so close to yours that you can smell the sweet, fruity fragrance of her lip gloss and forget running away, all you want to do at this moment is connect your lips to her ever so kissable ones

ignoring your question, her attention remains focused on her original goal, "can i.."

you move one of your hands to cup her cheek and and finally steal a peck from her but before you can let yourself completely drown in the feeling of her warmth, she pulls away and with a finger on your lower lip and continues, "can i please know why you were with that girl?"

dazedly you let the truth slip out, "minji's .. friend.. she isn't.. i'm not with her or anythi- mmph!" and just like that yunjin finally kisses you like she's wanted, hell, like she's dreamed of for ages now and you're more than happy to let all her previous actions be forgiven - as long as she keeps holding you just like this &lt;3

notes : for the ppl waiting for the yunjin/yn/rina fic mwah <3 + [m.list]

[alberivh]

devotion (ROYAL AU) — pt.1 : realization.

Butler! Diluc X GN!Reader . Royal! childe (as supporting character), butler! Kaeya (supporting cast ; in pt2 story line)

contains : heavy angst, comfort/hurt, isolation, arranged marriage, major character death, mentions of blood, injuries, execution, abusive relationship, abandonment, ‘consumption’, false accusation, blades

summaries : arranged marriage has always been one of your family ruthless tradition. You were allowed to love them you couldn’t reach, yet the feeling of being abandoned once and for all by those who you truly treasured was more than numbness could ever describe. Diluc who’s your lover need to accept this tradition, yet he, himself need to get his life down for your future sake.

A/N : thank you for 100 followers!! It has been a wild ride since i’ve just joined this community. Thank you very much and as a rewards, here’s a token of heavy angst for y’all. I have a really bad writing block right now, so this might took more than you think hehe. So once again, thank you very much! ( i actually hate this, tyvm)

“Your majesty…please allow me to hold y—“

“No. I simply do not have time for people pleaser, please let yourself be out from here..” , you cursed your future-husband out of from your bounties. It startled all of the maids and butlers in your room, it even make your somewhat-fiancé looked awful. You were pissed by him, by the structure of his eyelids, the heavy breathe from who-knows-where and many more part of him you don’t even want to recognize.

There’s no reason to deny that you hate this, all of this, Known as the maiden of the family, you were nothing but their only pry. It pissed you, it really does. How come you are holding the throne at the age of 25? Aren’t you supposed to check your garden instead taking all of your well-behave throne and the awful arranged marriage your family has made? No? What an unlucky person you are, the butlers thought.

“Diluc please guide master tartaglia to the upfront door, i have no intention to see him now. If you already had brought him downstairs, get back to my resident immediately.”

“this is the main reason why everyone despis—“

“Please leave Immediately. My master have no further interest to speak with you, master tartaglia.” Diluc shouted your internal response to the group of scums in front of your sight. He heard enough of this small talk your future-husband has been talking about. Diluc wasn’t jealous, he was simply too disturbed with your disgusted face everytime tartaglia walks around your residence. just how much pressured you had been under to make you act so ruthless in front of the man you’ll called husband in no time?

he silently observing him down the hall. Not wanting to have a talk with a scum like him, he avoid any sights of his ‘particular’ interest. After all, in his eyes, tartaglia doesn’t deserve any part of you. He acts too normally, there diluc suspicion of your fiancé grown. There must be something behind his motive. Tartaglia have recognize diluc’s gaze for a while now. Though, he pretend none of those bothering suspicion triggered his rage. And so, he fired him up with a quick straightforward awareness. Or as the citizen say, A threat.

“mr. Butler..stop loving my future partner or tomorrow you’ll have the consequences..got it? And do not touch them..i’ve warned you when you were alive, i like my future partner to be a virgin ins—“

“master tartaglia i have no relationship with the majesty, how come you assume such a thing from a humble butler like me? I was just simply following orders, hope you could understand, master tartaglia.” , answering his rage. Tartaglia found his emotion drains wild. It look like those bothering emotions he hide finally show diluc their true intention to spoiled you. Diluc’s eyes met your fiancé terrifying visions, the murderous aura in it explains his true intention. Diluc could only plea inside, let my majesty be safe.

“don’t you dare say anything to your master, mr butler. My partner has been mine all along, stay away from our relationship or tomorrow would be your last day…”

“Though, i simply wouldn’t mind, ajax.” , he gurantees tartaglia’s eyes.

The night came. the breeze flew through your open windows, leaving chills through your spine. it was an unsurprisingly beautiful night, you quoted. Diluc was preparing your bed, as you humm through the southed area of your room. The melodical sound of your humming have always soothes his grudge from afar. It was always been his favorite sound.

“ your majesty, the bed has been done. You may rest peacefully now..so please excuse m—“

“Diluc���stop making it seems like i’m the only one who loved you..just stay here, i missed you a lot..” , in a sudden your arm was attached to his body, his dirty and ordinary body. You embraced him so tightly, as if diluc were going to some place you wouldn’t want him to cross. You were scared of losing him. You don’t want any of this marriage, you don’t want tartaglia to even acknowledge your presence. You just want diluc to stay by your side, even if you both have considered how selfish it is.

You clunge onto his chest, pressing gentle kiss on his cheeks. Not wanting him to leave nor to leave you behind. So desperate of you to feel this way.

“you’ve been doing great darling,i’m proud of you..”

“please stay like this for a while, i love you. So please, don’t go..don’t go..” , diluc watch your flattering smile turns into a small-sobs, it cracks him, he doesn’t want to let you go either. He was simply following your fiancé awareness, he doesn’t want anyone to harm you, even if it meant for you to see him in agony. Diluc Carries your figure into your bed in return, not wanting to bare any of his emotions. Feelings are fragile and so do he. giving soft and gentle kisses to your forehead as he wiped your tears, whispering a ‘goodnight’ before he left you again. If he was being honest, he wants to be more selfish, he wants to be with you, forever.

“hmm..i’ll be waiting for you, goodnight my beloved..”

“What’s with the inconvenience…?” The loud atmosphere greet you with chills. What time is it? You don’t even know. All you know is the sunrise have yet to grown out from the wave of the clouds. but why must all of your maids gather themself on your room, something important? But why must them gather at the edge of dusk..? Did your mother fucked up again? But actually, what happened?

At the same time, you mumbled a form of question. Where’s diluc? You asked yourself.

“Y-Your majesty! d-diluc have now been courted by the queen, i-i don’t know what happened but please stay put i shall help you! Yes! I-i—“ courted? In sudden, you dropped your glasses. The broken piece of the glasses shard scarred your leg. It was painful, but you didn’t care. The blood shed of your scars leave the carpet of your resident turn into a red motives of blood. What did diluc do to make himself courted by your own mother? All he did was to love me, mother. The maid beside you were in all panics, trying to brag your arm from leaving the room. Although you declined the embrace of it, you were still running in pain, it made the maids panics turn into vomits.

Rushing through the open corridor of your resident in sweats and blood shed, You found diluc. His hands tied with a rope, a slight red bruises covered his face. He was Courted by your mother because of an unknown letter that has been sent to the queen herself, it was dumb for her to court an innocent person like him. Though, at last, you found yourself screaming his name. The pain which hold onto your consciousness leave your body in a second. diluc was aware of this, Everything. His hands wanted to touch you and lead you to rest. but he couldn’t, the execution would be in front of his eyes in no time.

“you did harm my child don’t you? Look at those blood on their legs! How come a butler like you harmed my precious child..?! They are unconscious because of you filthy butler. Know your degree, h—“

“you abuse them, your highness. You abuse them, ever since their father die, you abandoned them and break them to pieces. How come you only care about them dying when their time to hold the throne came? They were dying because of you, those consumption they witness are all because of you. And you dare to tell me what to do when all i did was just to love them?!” He quoted every single words you wish you could say to your mothers face. You wished you have the audacity to tell her the truth, yet your weak body refuse it’s urge to make diluc out of the execution lines. I’m sorry, i’m really sorry.

silence fill the room. You were laying in pain, as you heard diluc’s defense and your mother’s lies. You realized once more, you were nothing to them. Just a pry for the throne. none of the guards have pitied you either, they are too focused on never-letting diluc’s eyes or hands meet your figure in this state of time. Those scarred glasses on your legs have made you lose too-many bloods, it scared diluc. After all, as a lover he is, he has devoted himself to protect you in all cost. let them be safe and take me away. It’s his last hope for you to stay awake for him.

“no execution needed. I have no reason to pay attention to fools like you. so isolation it is. This is all because of you, my child is dying and you’re the one at fault. Noticed how they haven’t even called your name again? They died because your lack of responsibility.” , spitting her mucus in diluc’s knees. You could barely saw diluc chills which you usually saw in his eyes. He’s about to cry..you think.

“Guards, please take my child away and let them rest in their bed. And so for this butler, put him in the isolation room, make sure to let him eat only once in a day, understood? Ah..don’t let my child see him, i don’t want them to see an abuser like him crawling out their life’s on my window.” , orders from your mother are none to first. They couldn’t be disobey and you understand them. You understand how ruthless it is, you understand it. But why must diluc? Why him? You saw the sight of him, blades are all over his neck. For what reason actually? To let him never see you again.

carried by the guards to your room and diluc was gone from your vision. He is not wrong, your highness. So why must those who loved me left my side, mother? Why won’t these bruises you add to my flawless skin never leave me? Is it because i’m a procession of your own sin? It was a cursed to fall in love with those you could barely reach.

PART 2 : COMING SOON

this is shitty, really shitty in fact. Though, thank you very much for reading this. Part 2 will come soon, if i had some energy to write the readers mother personality without getting pissed off. But anyways, see y’all soon at part 2 <3

[mrkcore]

𝐓𝐀𝐋𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 - 𝐡.𝐫𝐣

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: huang renjun x reader

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬: fairy(faerie)!renjun, human!reader, academia aesthetic, royalcore, medieval setting

𝐬𝐲𝐧𝐨𝐩𝐬𝐢𝐬: you meet renjun one night. from that time on, you wait patiently for him every night.

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: fluff, angst

𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠(𝐬): none

𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭: 2k

𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨: talking to the moon - bruno mars

𝐚/𝐧: renjun fic because it’s his bday :3 (i researched a lot about faeries and fairies, but none of them fit the concept i planned, so i kinda just merged some stuff i saw, so this probably isn’t the most accurate, and it is fiction so yeah) i tried to be a lot more descriptive in this one (cuz i’m really bad at that), so pls gimme feedback that would really be appreciated tyvm <3

a part of @nakamotocore​​‘s cliffhanger collab!

(comment here to be added to the taglist!)

another day has come to the end. you’re finally back in your room, sitting at your desk, trying to finish the work you didn’t finish from your classes.

you sigh. even after lighting all of the candles in your room, you’re still feeling unmotivated to continue your language work.

so you pull up your mythology textbook, and take a sneak peek at tomorrow’s topic: fairies.

“fairy, also spelled faerie or faery, a mythical being of folklore and romance usually having magic powers and dwelling on earth in close relationship with humans. it can appear as a dwarf creature typically having green clothes and hair, living underground or in stone heaps, and characteristically exercising magic powers to benevolent ends; as a diminutive sprite commonly in the shape of a delicate, beautiful, ageless winged creature dressed in diaphanous white clothing, inhabiting fairyland, but making usually well-intentioned intervention in personal human affairs; or as a tiny, mischievous, and protective creature generally associated with a household hearth.”

reading on, you’re slowly feeling your eyes droop, tiredness flooding your system. before you know it, your eyes close and bring you to a quiet slumber.

something is tickling your nose, and more is tickling your arm as well. 

did you forget to close your window? or is it the dust from your shelves coming to haunt you for not dusting them for over a month?

you get up drowsily, trying to find the source of the disruption.

your candles are still lit, but it’s still dark outside, so it’s probably not morning yet. you turn around to grab the shawl you discarded on your bed, and put it on.

you reach out to close your window, but to your surprise, there’s a boy. sitting on the ledge of your window. 

and he has wings, sparkling transparent wings.

you’re in awe. from this angle, the moonlight shines just right for his beautiful wings to glisten as they flutter. 

you don’t realize, but you’re slowly walking towards him. your body gravitating towards the strange but stunning creature. 

he hears the floorboard creaking underneath your feet, and turns around to look at you.

you’re shocked by his appearance. 

he’s heavenly. his round, gentle doe eyes are iridescent, sparking while he’s staring at you. dainty, plump, parted lips, and a button nose. you’ve never seen anyone’s features as pretty as his. 

“oh, you are awake now.” his mouth turns upwards into a smile. you’re baffled. “i hope i was not the cause that woke you, how did you rest?”

the creature turns around and flies right next to you. you instinctively sit down on your bed, and he follows suit. 

“i-, i slept well?” you answered hesitantly. you check your watch discreetly, displaying the time, 1:35 am. the boy–or being, sitting besides you catches the action, and leans in to view the interesting gadget. 

he scares you a little bit, and you quickly scramble to put it back into your pocket. he looks at you with great curiosity.

you wonder if he’s ever been in contact with humans before.

“so uh, what is your name?” you try to strike up a conversation now that you know he is able to speak. 

“i do not really have one, but you can call me renjun.” he beams. “and you? what should i call a beautiful lady like yourself?”

you’re blushing with how polite, charming, and poised he is.

“my name is y/n.”

and that’s where it all began. 

renjun came to your window every night when the moon comes at its brightest. it became part of your routine, and thankfully you didn’t have a roommate, so you stay up every night just talking to him.

for some reason, your lack of sleep did not affect you as much as you thought it would. the headmaster, teachers, maids, they always told students to get a full night’s rest so you’d be at your fullest learning capacity. but you’ve never felt better. you never asked what renjun was, it never came up during your late night discussions. you knew from his appearance that he was somewhat like a fairy, but you never asked him about anything, even though you were always curious. 

renjun’s sudden arrival into your life made you feel so bubbly and warm every single day. all of the girls in your class have noticed, so has your homeroom professor. 

“y/n! y/n!” they called to you during lunch break the day after your first encounter with renjun. “you seem so happy today even though we had an exam, what are you smiling so brightly about?”

you wanted to keep him as your little secret. so you just smugly smirked at them.

“none of your business.” you bite back before turning around to walk away.

they all squealed. 

“it’s a boy!”

“definitely a boy.”

“nothing else would be as exciting!”

whispers went around the classroom, and the girls were happily gossiping amongst themselves. your teacher even giggled a bit when she thought the class wasn’t looking. your classmates ask every single day, but you don’t cave. still pleased with the spectacle you’ve stirred up.

but it’s true, you’ve been much happier. strolling the school grounds with a skip in your step, a cheerful mood during class every day, and finishing your homework (renjun insists you do it before he visits so you are free to talk).

you’re so excited for your late night chats with him that you rush to your room to finish your work for the day. surprising all of your teachers of your newfound burst of productiveness.

you feel over the moon.

until he disappeared.

renjun stopped showing up at your window one day, out of the blue. no explanation, no nothing. it’s not like you had any other form of communication with him. so he completely went off the grid. leaving you by yourself.

for the first week, you didn’t accept that he just left. so like usual, you patiently waited for his arrival with the moon shining brightly.

but he never came. for weeks and weeks, you’d wait to no avail of his presence. 

you know he’s somewhere out there. somewhere far away. you want him back. 

your neighbours think you’re crazy. 

sitting at your open window, staring at the moon, and barely getting any sleep.

but they don’t understand. 

no one had ever listened to you as attentively as he did. no one cared to listen to you talk about your hopes and dreams, how your day went, what colour you found the prettiest (if you were wondering, it is green, renjun’s wings are a pretty light green), what pastries you enjoyed stuffing yourself with, your comfort book, no one. 

he’s all you have.

so like a hopeless, smitten, lovestruck girl, you sat quietly with the cold breeze blowing into your room at night from your window.

weeks go by, and you’re still waiting for his visits. at night, when the stars light up your room, you sit by yourself, talking to the moon. trying to get to him, in hopes he’s on the other side, talking to you too.

you’re feeling like you’re famous, the talk of the town.

your bright spirit you had before was gone, and you kept your head down at day. 

everyone was talking about how you got dumped, or got your heart broken by the boy you were head-over-heels for. they say you’ve gone mad; yeah, you’ve gone mad.

but they don’t know what you know.

‘cause when the sun goes down, someone’s talking back.

around 3 months later, you’re sitting at your desk, finishing work. you look up, and suddenly, the moon starts lighting up brighter, flashing.

you’re in disbelief, did the moon just, blink at you? 

then, a shadow of a figure with wings appears, and waves at you. 

that familiar figure, renjun.

was this renjun reassuring you that he hasn’t abandoned you? 

this ignites that spark inside of you. not thinking rationally anymore, no longer somber, you instantly get up to scramble to the window to sit down.

while you’re speaking, the moon blinks, as if he’s talking back.

so again, at night, when the stars light up your room, you sit by yourself, talking to the moon. trying to get to him.

until that stops too. 

the moon stops responding to you. no signs of anyone, and the moon looks more dull than before.

you wonder to yourself, “am i a fool, who sits alone, talking to the moon?”

you still stay up to mindlessly talk to the moon, in hopes he’s on the other side, talking to you too. does he ever hear you calling? ‘cause every night, you’re talking to the moon, still trying to get to him.

then, one night, you fall asleep again. 

trying to study for your project, your mythology textbook is still open. you don’t mean to, but school has been tiring, and you couldn’t help it.

but you wake up to the familiar tingling sensation on your arm. you open your eyes, and see renjun’s gaze on you. head rested on his hands, with his arms on your desk.

is this a dream? you feel faint. is this really happening? was he really in front of you? 

your eyes roam renjun’s face desperately. his eyes, his hair, his moles, his nose, those kissable lips. all the same like you remember.

“you’re awake.” he says. “i’m sorry i was gone for so long, i had some complications and was unable to travel.” 

renjun smiles, apologetically.

“i’ve missed you, sweetheart. how have you been?” 

your eyes zoom in on his lips.

“kiss me.” you blurt out before you can stop yourself. renjun seems surprised as well.

“sweetheart, are you sure you want th–” 

before he even finishes, you crash your lips onto his. 

they’re as soft as you imagined. his lips taste sweet, like the nectar of the beautiful flowers in your school gardens. 

he deepens the kiss, and you let him. feeling over the moon.

when the both of you pull away, things go back to normal. renjun is diligently listening to your rambles, and you’ve never felt better.

when the moon starts to disappear, you realize it’s time for him to go.

“you should probably go home.” you said, sadly. “you said you had some important things to do, so i must not distract you from your work.”

“oh sweetheart,” renjun chuckles. “but i’m already home.” he says with a eerie smile that makes you stop.

“pardon me?” you reply, slightly terrified by his change in tone.

“you heard me little human,” he licks his lips menacingly. you flinch when his hand travels up to your face to caress your cheek. “i’m already home.”

tears are flooding your eyes as renjun’s fingers grow longer into claws and he wraps them around your airway.

“you humans think you can just come into our homes and destroy our land, families, our lives.” he growls. “YOU TOOK EVERYTHING AWAY FROM US.” 

renjun screams, his hand forcing you to look at him. his eyes are no longer the soft doe ones you knew, filled with rage and hurt as he poured his emotions onto you.

“now we’re taking it back.” he snickers. “this stupid building you built upon our old home, it will be gone.”

his hand squeezes tighter on your neck and you’re quickly losing consciousness.

“and we’re starting with you.” renjun taunts, his normal hand coming up to your face to caress it again. 

“it’s a shame thought,” he shrugs, seemingly defeated. “i kinda liked you.”

he drops you on the floor, and you’re gone. 

tears still flowing out of your eyes as renjun walks out of your room.

“unlike the fairies, faeries are considered to be evil, horrid, and mischievous creatures. the faeries are evil, unfriendly, and cruel spirits. the faeries are a bit dangerous also. humanity destroying most of their lives, they seek revenge to take back what once was theirs.”

©mrkcore, 2021.

[imerdwarf]

It's A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life

Requested by anonymous: Hello my love! Could I send in a request please where Bucky and reader are just friends and he's like her big brother, she has a breakdown one day and just crumbles in his arms? Preferably with beefy!Bucky because I love how soft you write him tyvm 🥰

Pairing: Beefy!Bucky X Reader

Warnings: Slight angst, bad days, soft cuddles, soft beefy Bucky 🥰

Word Count: 1,117

Author's Notes: Thank you very much dear anon for this sweet and soft request! I hope you like it and let me know if you want me to change anything 💜 thank you so much my dear friend @jobean12-blog for the wonderful ideas and for reading this over for me 🥺💜

It's just a bad day, not a bad life. That's what everyone kept telling you today, what they failed to understand however, it really did feel that way. It just seemed like it was one of those days where everyone had decided to pick you to yell at and call you endless names the entire day. Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong, today of all days.

It started with work. You were running a good five minutes late but you did apologise when you arrived at the office, your boss immediately summoned you to his office where he proceeded to lecture you about the importance of time keeping.

Then, when were allowed to sit down at your desk, your computer was broken and you had to do everything by hand. Ron, the coffee man spilled hot black coffee over the files on your desk which prompted another lecture from your boss about clumsiness. Of course, it was all your fault because it always was according to your boss.

If work wasn't good enough, you and your best friend Wanda ended up getting into a huge fight over something stupid during lunch. She wanted you attend her engagement party but she had picked a date and time you just knew your boss wouldn't give you the day off for. You had to decline, which angered her and then started to call you the most careless friend in the world. That was like a stab wound straight to your heart.

"It's a bad day, not a bad life. Don't cry dear." A dear old woman said to you as she passed you in the street. You nodded and walked back to your workplace with your head hung low and furiously wiped the tears away.

It was just so difficult to keep the escaping tears at bay during the rest of your workday. Nobody checked on you to see if you were okay and you honestly couldn't tell if it was for the best.

Those three simple words, 'are you okay', can break down a dam in seconds and you certainly didn't wish to start crying your heart out in the middle of the office.

Just before the day was over, the storm clouds rolled in and heavy rain drenched the city. It was just your luck that today of all days you had forgotten to bring a jacket.

It was just perfect. Now all you needed really was a nice big bird to fly over and drop a shit on your head.

Work was finally over, and you wasted no time in packing up your things and heading out of the day without saying goodbye to any of your colleagues or boss. You just wanted to go home, you needed to go home.

You knew at home your best friend, your defacto brother would be there waiting for you with a hot pan of soup heating up on the stove and making sure the apartment was nice and warm for your return. Bucky always took care of you, he was simply someone you couldn't live without.

The walk to the apartment seemed to happen in slow motion despite only being a couple of blocks away. The heavy downpour soaked through your clothes which made them stick uncomfortably to your skin. The rain puddles splashed up against pants with each step you took, soaking your soaks and making little lakes in the bottom of your shoes.

Bucky had just finished the cleaning before he warmed some hot soup up on the stove. The rain was pounding down by now and he was concerned for you because your jacket was still hung up on the coatrack by the door.

He made sure the apartment would be nice and toasty before you got in and he turned your electric blanket on.

His senses picked up your thundering footsteps on the stairs. The nearer you got, the louder they became that they became almost deafening.

You turned the doorknob and pushed it a bit too hard that the doorknob put a hole through the wall.

"Hi." Bucky chuckled at the wall, pulling the door away and inspecting the damage. "I'll repair it, again." He joked with a smile which fell off his lips when he saw the state of you.

Your shoulders were slumped and your clothes weighed heavily on your body as you slipped your two ponds off your feet, water seeping out from the bottom and puddling on the wooden floors.

"Sorry." You whimpered before bringing your hands over your face and crying into the palm of your hands. A warm body engulfed you from the front, Bucky pulled your hands away and you wrapped them around his waist instead. Your wet clothes soaking his, but neither of you cared about it right now.

Bucky's large hands rubbed your back and you cried into his chest. He kissed your wet hair and sighed.

"It's okay doll. I'm here, I'm always here for you." Your grip tightened and so did his.

You don't know how long the two of you stood like that for. It could have been for a few minutes, a few hours, but when you were in his arms it seemed like time had stopped altogether.

You pulled away with a sniff and a wet chuckle when you looked at the state of his shirt.

"I'm sorry about your shirt," your voice came out gravely from all the crying you did. Though it didn't solve anything, it still felt good to have that weight lifted. "I just had the worst day and my boss yelled at me twice and I just- I'm sorry."

"Doll," Bucky turned serious and grabbed your hands, "stop apologising. It's not your fault, you don't have to apologise for everything. It's almost as if you're apologising for being human. Your boss is a jerk and you wait until I see him..." Bucky balled his left hand into a fist and shook it slightly, "that guy isn't gonna have any teeth and he'll be apologising to you." You laughed and shook your head, thankful to have such an amazing friend and brother figure.

"Thank you Bucky, you're the best."

"Of course I am. If there was an award for the best roommate-slash-friend-slash-brother, I'd win it."

You agreed, "Of course you would!" You gave him a smile and your world seemed to be a better place.

"There's that smile I like to see. Listen, go and take a hot shower, throw on some dry clothes, we'll eat and watch movies in your bed with your electric blanket, sounds good?"

"Sounds amazing!" You grinned and started to walk into your bedroom to grab some dry clothes when he called your name, "yeah?"

"What's your boss's number?"

[meowzfordayz]

Can I please request an angst/fluff one shot with Sanemi in which reader is a hashira and they don't usually get along until one day news comes that she's been injured during her mission and for a long time she refuses to be seen and he finally finds out it's bc she's covered in scars and decides to help her, not understanding that scars on a woman don't mean strong but mean weak/ugly instead; he has always lowkey liked her and it's time for him to show that? Tysm, sorry if it's too long!

Hii. ☺️ Your request is wonderful. I wish I could write it. I even brainstormed song inspo for it. Unfortunately, it's... too grand (??) for me atm, so I can't commit to that rn. 😆 If, in the future, you feel like rerequesting it, then I'd be honored to actually and completely fulfill it.

*Hii anon! Idk whether you’ll see this update, but tyvm for your kind reply to my declining your request. 😭 I’m highkey a ppl-pleaser-softie, so your patience and understanding lowkey made me tear up (in a good way!). 🥺 Imma leave your Ask in my Inbox so I can ~someday answer it w/ your fulfilled request. 😌 #sending hugs 🤍

[malecftw]

The flayed try to get to you but Billy saves you.

SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3 AHEAD! DON’T READ IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE FINALE

A/N: So I’m putting a spin on the scene in the last ep. Just imagine that the flayed didn’t all turn into jelly monsters and are still humans tyvm

this is the first fic I actually choked up on whilst writing oh my Billy Hargrove really did me dirty

Word count: 1803

Warnings: angst, cursing, mentions of injury and blood, major character death, spoilers for season 3

Masterlist.

Requests are open!

Taglist: @editsbyjenny

His whole stance was different. Your boyfriend always was rather arrogant and unafraid to show it, but this was different. He looked... Evil. The glass cracked beneath your shoes as you stood on the first floor of the mall, looking down at Billy and the flayed as he took in his surroundings looking for El. He walked confidently between the people he’d been able to turn into the mind flayer’s minions. It was clear he was their leader, they all stood inhumanely still and waited for his signal.

Your lungs started to burn as you subconsciously held your breath, careful not to make a sound since you were in plain sight if anyone decided to look up. You knew it was a bad idea, coming out of your previous hiding place behind one of the benches yet you felt compelled to stand up. You’d heard how Billy was acting and what was happening but you hadn’t seen it yet for yourself. A part of you hoped it was all a stupid lie made up by some bored teenagers, but that hope was quickly shattered when your eyes found him.

All of a sudden a piercing scream filled the mall and a big dark shadow was visible on the glass ceiling. As you looked up, however, you forgot that you were out for the entire mall to see. In response to the echoing scream of their creator, the flayed and Billy looked up as well and in turn noticed you.

‘Y/n get down!’ Steve whispered urgently, noticing what had happened before you did, your mind consumed by the thing above you. You looked at him questioningly and he shot you a terrified look but it was too late. You followed his gaze down and looked straight into the eyes of Billy. His face showed no sign of happiness or any other emotion. It’s like he wasn’t even there, disconnected from it all. He nodded and the flayed sprung into motion. There were at least 50 of them and they were all coming for you. You turned your body towards Steve, Dustin, and Robin who were the ones who previously shared your hiding spot. They all noticed your shift in behavior which could only mean one thing. You’d been found out. ‘Run.’ You say, oddly calm. Calm enough for everyone to freak out and make a beeline to the exit. As they took off, you started running in the other direction. If you knew Billy as well as you thought you did, you knew even his possessed side would prefer to get to you rather than anyone else. 

You knew that Billy was a fighter. If you were gone, he had no reason to put up a fight anymore against the mind flayer. He’d just give in and let it wash over his entire being. Erasing any trace of his former human self. If you were going to die, you sure as hell would do anything in your power to help your friends in any way, shape or form which is why you opted to distract the flayed from them and focus solely on you. However, you drew the short straw with the direction you were going in as you were soon stranded between two escalators. Both of which had people running on, trying to deliver you to the mind flayer. 

Everything seemed to slow down as you locked eyes with Billy again. He watched as the crow was nearing you, no intention of stopping them whatsoever and you felt broken. You swore to yourself you would die for him but you’d never thought he’d deliver you to death himself.

‘Billy please.’ You shouted, your soul in agony as you were being grabbed by several people. Their nails pressed down on your skin so hard they broke the surface, drawing blood to which they smiled evilly. Billy blinked and ignored your please before turning his back to you, acknowledging the monster behind him that had fallen down from the broken ceiling. 

Your knees were being scratched as you were dragged down on the escalator, the flayed not budging as you put up a fight, struggling to break free. It probably took them all of 2 minutes to get you down but to you, it seemed to go by in a matter of seconds. Billy put up his hand, signaling for them to halt so he could take you from them but they continued marching towards the monster, completely ignoring his command. This startled him, he created them, how were they not following his orders? What he didn’t realize, was that they only took his orders when the ugly, slimy mess that took over their bodies wasn’t around. The creature was superior to his commands and it was their one true master, this, Billy found out soon enough as he watched them take the love of his life to get flayed as well.

‘Billy!’ You shouted once again, this time louder and more pained than before as the mind flayer hooked its claws into your sides, breaking through the barrier of your skin.

Your cries for help soften when you hear the heavy steps of his boots crunching the glass beneath his feet as he walks over to you. He grimaces when he hears you yell out in pain as the mind flayer draws back its claws from your body, leaving you bleeding on the floor with several gaping wounds. An eerie silence takes over the mall and for a second you’re back in your bedroom with Billy. 

You’re trying to study for a calculus test but he can’t stop messing with you. Jokingly pulling your ponytail, leaving kisses all over your exposed shoulders, completely achieving his goal of getting your attention. You roll your eyes and briskly turn around, pushing him onto his back and his eyes widen in surprise not having seen your action coming. ‘For the love of god, Billy Hargrove let me study.’ He laughs and cups your cheek, pulling you closer towards him until your foreheads touch. ‘You’re so smart already if you get any smarter I’m going to be marrying Einstein 2.0 one day.’ At that you gasp and pull back, slapping his chest. ‘Are you proposing Hargrove?’ You say jokingly, knowing he would not propose to you on your bed on a random Tuesday evening with no preparation whatsoever. He smirks as he eyes you up and down before sitting up, wrapping his arms around your waist, allowing you to fall into him. He supports your body and pinches your waist as he kisses you deeply, passion seeping into every fiber of his soul. ‘All in good time firecracker. All in good time.’

In a split second, you’re back on the cold floor of the Starcourt Mall. Billy has crouched down in front of you, observing you carefully as the monster behind him is stood still like a statue. ‘You’re okay little firecracker. You’ll always be okay.’ He says oddly comforting, not using the same cold tone as he had been the last couple of days. His hand reaches out and touches the corner of your bottom lip tenderly, wiping away some blood. You lean into his touch but the connection abruptly gets broken when Billy pulls away and turns around, now facing the monster again. He walks up to the mind flayer, no hesitation or fear evident in his steps before you hear him say loud and clearly: ‘Not her.’  After that, it felt like you were watching a dream.

The mind flayer acted immediately, not giving Billy a chance. Two tentacles pierced his sides, just like they did with you previously only with Billy they seemed to go deeper. The mind flayer wasn’t planning on turning Billy like he did with you. It only had one goal. To kill. You screamed, trying to get up but your severely injured body prevented you from doing so. You saw all life drain from Billy as another tentacle pierced his chest, completely ending all chances of survival.

You don’t know if you screamed, you don’t know if your voice gave out, your eyes and mind were on Billy and Billy only. You didn’t care that you were left defenseless as Billy’s body hit the glass-covered ground, back towards you as he fell on his side. You didn’t care that the mind flare could take you then and there if it wanted to. But it didn’t. The only reason it was even interested in you in the first place was to be able to take over Billy completely. But that was no longer an issue. The mind flayer had grown powerful enough to go after El without another addition to his army so it did.

The flayed ignored you as they walked passed you, following the mind flayer out of the mall in search of El. You knew you had to warn them, you knew it was the right thing to do, but your eyes were glued to his body. You cried loudly as you dragged your body over to him, glass cutting your arms yet you didn’t feel a single thing. All pain was overshadowed by the gaping hole in your chest, resembling the one that Billy had, only yours was internally.

You turned him over, and he groaned, his breathing pained as he tried to focus on you. ‘Billy look at me you’re gonna be fine okay.’ You took in the sight before you. He was drenched in his own blood and a puddle was starting to form. It was clear he wasn’t going to be fine and you were lying to his face. You let out a cry of despair when you saw his smile. Not a happy smile, just a it’s-gonna-be-okay-smile. He wasn’t okay physically, but he was finally free from that monster. He’d done horrible things. He knew he didn’t deserve the ending he was given. He deserved far worse. But here he was, he was going to die in the arms of the only person that mattered. And that was far more than he could have ever asked for. He struggled but managed to bring a hand up to the back of your neck, gingerly pulling you closer. He pressed a long kiss to your forehead, the feeling of your tears falling onto his neck paining him. His eyes filled with tears, knowing it was time for the goodbye he was never going to be ready for. As he broke the kiss, you lifted your head, looking at his face as you hovered over him. ‘Thank you for loving me firecracker.’ He whispered. The light in his eyes started to dull only seconds after he finished his last sentence.

Billy Hargrove didn’t die a villain. He also didn’t die a hero.

Billy Hargrove died loved.

[curanonemu]

ateez as angels

tags/warnings: slight angst, very slight violence in jongho's part (not against reader i promise), very sappy things, second-person reader, lowercase, DISCLAIMER: im sorry for making some things up jdskgfk idk angel lore.

word count: 2,733

notes: big thanks to @stray-lids for listening to me cry about this and supporting me ♡ they are spectacular go give them love tyvm now on to the post

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hongjoong - ✧ dominion ✧ 

dominions preside over the lesser angels, regulate their duties and ensure that God's wishes are carried out.

it’s hard watching over angels, but hongjoong likes it. it may be tiring, it may just be a routine by now, but it feels equally rewarding at the end of the day, when everything is peaceful, in heaven and on earth, nothing out of place.

after all, he could have it worse; he could be a power or a guardian, and those seem much more tired than he ever feels.

being a dominion, he knows all angels, even if they’re not under his command. it’s necessary to know them all, each one of them is important to heaven, and to him as a result.

that’s exactly why it comes as a surprise when he sees one that he’s never met before. he’s on earth for once, and he’s not sure he even knows which one of his comrades you serve.

he’s about to float right over to the stranger, ask questions when he stops in his tracks.

you’re a human.

he feels the telltale rush of blood as his face warms, and he scolds himself for making such a mistake.

are you really so heavenly as to cause such a misunderstanding?

he shakes his head, looks again. it’s still the same.

you still look like the prettiest, most ethereal being he’s laid his eyes on in all the time he’s spent on earth and in heaven. you still are the prettiest.

and hongjoong feels very human when he looks at you.

he wonders if you’d feel the same, were you able to look at him. maybe not. you probably won’t be surprised; hongjoong is an angel, of course. but maybe he won’t be the prettiest being you’ve laid your eyes on.

after all, you must be in possession of a mirror. surely?

(other members under the cut!)

seonghwa - ✧ principality/ruler ✧

principalities rule over other angels and send them on missions in order to accomplish their protection role.

seonghwa has a problem.

he assigns his subordinates to take care of people. entire groups, that is.

he doesn't have to think about individuals.

he shouldn't have to.

but he does. there's one that he can't stop thinking about.

you.

you are so annoying.

he's not a guardian angel, he's a ruler, for heaven's sake. he's not your personal wingman.

(no, that's not how the word is used, is it? he wants to be more than your wingman.)

there's exasperation within him. exasperation at his desperate antics. he's above them, yet he continues to indulge in such things.

desperation. another emotion warring within him, which largely makes up his thoughts. he wants you a lot. so much that he's starting to experience other feelings, like those of nervousness, fear, and he pines.

you're making him feel human emotions, act like a little guardian instead of the ruler he is, and he is. not. happy.

he is more than happy, being the fool he is.

he's convinced you are more powerful than all of his brethren combined. isn't that the only reason why he is so smitten with you? how you have him wrapped around your finger like it's nothing, living your life like you don't know a thing about the predicament seonghwa is in. well, it's precisely because you don't.

that's why, when he needs to assign angels to protecting your town, he stations them all as far away from you as he can.

and then, happily neglecting all his obligations, duties, his very nature, he skips off to protect you himself.

and if he somehow gets to interact with you, that'll be the feather on top.

that is his goal now, come what may.

yunho - ✧ virtue ✧

virtues bring God’s blessings to earth in the form of miracles, and are associated with acts of heroism and bring courage when needed.

it hurts to watch people when they're sad. yunho doesn't like seeing crying children, crying parents, young or old. he's especially not enjoying seeing you cry.

just a while back, you'd asked for courage and now you're crying, regretting standing up to people who were - in yunho's eyes - undeserving of the importance you give them, with the pain they brought you.

"do you really care that much?" he wants to ask, but it's obvious that you do, and he can't ask you.

he'd give anything to talk to you, tell you that it's not worth it, you are so much better than the things holding you down. all he can do is watch you cry.

well. there is something he can do.

he wills a flower into existence, petals soft against his palm where the bud rests, and yunho looks back at you.

you can't see him, but you'll be able to see the flower. that's enough for him.

the window to your room is open, and he tosses the flower inside, the breeze carrying it to you.

you lift your head, looking confused before noticing the flower.

you turn it around curiously, frowning. and then you smile through your tears, and the flower's beauty pales in comparison.

you get up slowly, then go out of your room, leaving the door ajar. with the flower in your hand, you're most likely looking for some water to preserve it.

from his place outside the window, yunho allows himself to smile too.

he hopes the message reaches you.

gladiolus.

yeosang - ✧ virtue ✧

virtues bring God’s blessings to earth in the form of miracles, and are associated with acts of heroism and bring courage when needed.

you're finally done for the day, which had been so hectic, and you're exhausted and irritated and feeling absolutely dead, wishing you were for real too.

'please, just get me away from here now,' you think, hoping that any deity of the world is kind enough to listen to you.

yeosang's the one that hears you, and that's when he first meets you. he manifests himself a little ways behind you, frowning as he wonders if you're serious. he hears such prayers on the daily, and half of them are tossed out casually. he's never acted upon any, though. his job is to give people hope, not tear it away from them.

he watches you for a minute, then decides to let himself look into your soul.

it's. unexpected.

under the cover of weariness, it's bright, insanely so. it leaves him breathless for a moment; a feeling he's not familiar with because he's never needed to breathe, born an angel. but the pressure is there, a feeling welling up inside him which makes him take in much needed air.

it's the first time that he's seen such a bright soul. it makes the grace of some of his brothers pale in comparison.

you're just tired. he doesn't like that.

for now, you may want to go. but you definitely don't need to.

and yeosang will do all that he can to make sure that you stay where you are, on earth. if that means stepping out of bounds with his duties, that's fine. he will do his best to drive away the forces that plague you. it's in everyone's interest. your soul is unique, a work of beauty and he doesn't wish to see it tainted. it's only natural. he's the embodiment of miracles, your soul is a reflection.

heaven doesn't need you yet, nor does heaven need you broken beyond repair.

that's why he needs to protect you.

that's all there is to it.

san - ✧ archangel ✧

archangels are the chief angels, guardians of people and all things physical.

san is an archangel, for crying out loud. he's strong, majestic, fierce and all things big. his wings are beautiful, sharp yet soft feathers, and as him. he's not... a butterfly. he's not a tiny creature, smaller than his own little finger and wildly colourful.

but there he is, having resorted to pretending to be a butterfly of all things, just so he can solve his latest problem.

the first time had been a necessity, and that was what led to the whole mess.

he loves flowers, and he loves how many varieties earth has. it's a habit of his to turn into bugs and enjoy said gifts of nature. (it scares that baby angel mingi as well, which san finds insanely amusing despite adoring the other.)

except, the one time he turned into a butterfly and sat atop a pretty flower, you'd passed by, stopped, backtracked and stood in front of him, eyes wide.

he doesn't know if you like butterflies or not, if you're scared of them or not. your expression didn't give away any of that. it wasn't even the emotion behind your eyes that he was drawn to. it were your eyes themselves that reeled him in, left him reeling.

they're so beautiful, magnetic and all things gorgeous, and he wants you to look at him. you can't see his true form, but you can see him like this, when he's a tiny, harmless creature, and not the intimidating archangel he's meant to be. he never really understood the idea behind some of the other angels' posturing, who, like him, had once been humans that ascended to heaven. now, more than ever, he doesn't see the point of it.

he's strong, yes.

but his interest in you is stronger.

he shouldn't have to try and be a big, bad angel (not that angels are meant to be bad) and go against his heart's desires.

so he doesn't.

he lets himself enjoy your presence, flitting about you often in the hopes that you'd see him.

but you never do.

whenever he's trying to get your attention, there are other matters that you need to attend to.

it's all so well-timed he's starting to think someone's messing with him on purpose.

last month? he'd almost caught your attention before someone asked you a question, and then you just up and left without so much as a glance in his direction. last week? pretty much another distraction that hindered him from being noticed.

he doesn't like this at all.

is someone pranking him? it could be another angel. san's never been unsuccessful for this long.

should he resort to serious measures?

what was it, go big or go home?

that's it. if being a butterfly doesn't work, then he's going to be a BETTERFLY.

he's going to be the best of the best, and he'll be big, not a teeny tiny innocent pretty creature. san's going to get your attensan one way or another.

soon.

mingi - ✧ guardian angel ✧

guardian angels stay with their human throughout life, dedicated to helping them navigate and make the most of the journey.

mingi likes helping people. fellow angels, humans, and the odd demon, he's helped them all. the last was unintentional, but he doesn't regret it. the demon turned out to be nice, anyway, so mingi did nothing wrong by helping him.

but sometimes, he feels like no matter how much help he gives, it's not enough.

presently, it's not in the negative sense wherein he feels he's not enough to aid them.

what he feels right now is just. he wants to help you.

he wants to do all that he can for you, because he adores you.

you're the charge to his guardian angel; you're his charge. that means he's allowed to help you as much as he can, right?

it's normal for random notes to flutter down to the ground next to your feet, inspiration quotes calling out; it's normal for you to stumble upon a reminder in your phone to drink water. you think your friend left it. that's fine, he can be a nameless friend too. you don't need to know.

when you're sick, he'll nurse you back to health all night, make sure no wayward germs try to attack you. a 'miracle,' you call it when you wake up refreshed the next day. he's no virtue, he's no miracle-maker, but your existence itself is a miracle and he's the one who's blessed.

it reminds him of his human life, his inclination to fawn over his loved ones and living off of their appreciation.

the gratitude makes him thrive. being a guardian angel makes him happy.

he's happier being your guardian angel.

he just has one more wish, and that's to let you know just how much he loves you.

he's not sure how, but one day he'll tell you. till then, he'll stay with you like this.

wooyoung - ✧ guardian angel ✧

guardian angels stay with their human throughout life, dedicated to helping them navigate and make the most of the journey.

wooyoung doesn't like his charge.

you're clumsy, forgetful and always getting into all sorts of situations that he has to wrestle with in order to keep you intact and alive.

you get into trouble, one problem after another and he has to push it all out of your path as you go on with your life, blissfully unaware of all that he's doing.

he dislikes it.

he dislikes you.

he dislikes how he likes doing things for you which he would never want to, were it not his duty. he dislikes how you give him a purpose, how you're much better than the other human he was stuck babysitting while the human drove himself right off the virtuous path and into satan's lap.

and then at times, he dislikes how lovely you look and how whipped he is for you.

he's meant to be your guardian angel, not a loverboy stalker. but you make it so hard, because you smile at the small things - flowers, sunlight, whatever - and your laughter is like light itself; searing and precious and everything wooyoung cherishes.

you're so cute, he hates your little habits and he hates how much he loves them too. his days are full of you, your smile, your everything.

nights are spent hoping you're not plagued by demons, fighting them off if one tries to creep into your dreams.

he's tired of how you're taking over his mind, how his job to guide you has become a pastime, his favourite thing?

he's tired, and he wants to do something.

he needs to do something.

but should he? can he? can he really throw away everything just because he's found a human that make emotions well up in him?

can he disregard heaven, go against it all for a mortal who doesn't even know he exists?

the scariest thing is, as days go by and he watches you, the answer he gives himself is increasingly close to yes.

jongho - ✧ power/authority ✧

powers are the most loyal of all angels; warrior angels who fight demons.

jongho was called down to fight demons that had invested a town and were leeching off of people’s spirits.

he’s busy doing that, killing demons left and right with two fellow Powers, when one of them shouts something and gestures behind jongho. he turns around, fully intending to break a demon in half, but is faced with a human instead.

you.

your hand half-raised, as if you planned to touch him. that wouldn’t have ended well.

“are you alright?” is what he hears, and he stills, not sure how to respond. he allows himself a second to glance back at his comrades, who have almost finished off the demons in the area.

his skin itches, the feathers on his wings ruffling. everything in him is screaming to break skulls, but if he leaves there’s no knowing what the human will do. jongho can’t sense any dark aura from you, so you’re not a demon. but you still unsettle him.

you shouldn’t be able to see him. he’s an angel, just as powerful as the rest of them despite not being born as one. he’s probably more powerful than most of his brethren.

“is there a reason why you’re punching air?”

you think he’s punching the air, and not creatures from hell out to get humans. beautiful. this is what he gets for his hard work.

he’s about to open his mouth and reply, affronted, when the temperature suddenly drops and his feathers tremble. then he’s acting on instinct and slashing at the demon behind you.

face pressed close to his neck, you can’t see anything, and ideally you should be able to, but it’s as if there’s a soft curtain over your eyes preventing you from doing so. a moment later, he lets go and places you back on your feet, and you’re staring at him, wide-eyed.

eyes flitting away, he looks at a point behind you, and you turn around suspiciously. there’s nothing there, it’s all spotless, but you can’t help but feel that something had been there.

he needs to get away, you’ve not given any indication of seeing the other two powers, which means there’s probably something up with him. and he needs to fix it. you’re the first human who’s been able to see him, and he doesn’t even know if you have anything up your sleeve.

“it was a fly,” he makes an excuse, and pulls away as quickly as he can.

he absolutely ignores your look of… something and walks to the other side of a building, before teleporting back to heaven.

absently, he allows the thought to enter his mind.

it’d felt nice holding you.

-

-

well that was my first attempt at writing ateez! i hope you guys liked it ♡♡ thanks for reading!!!!!! ♡♡♡♡

[chase-the-windandtouch-the-sky]

Lindseyyyy is it too late for this? lol I wish you would write a fic where it took so long for the gang to figure out Clarke wasn’t Clarke, that when she did return(maybe saved herself somehow—I’m such a sucker for your fics when C is her own friggin’ savior tyvm 🙌🏽 lol) major angst ensues. Sorry, I’m feeling lots today😬😂☺️

Looooooove! No, no! Not too late - I’m having way too much fun with it!

Clarke felt everything.

She felt the moment her breathing slowed, when her brain started toshut off. It was excruciating and terrifying, and something she wouldn’t wishon anyone. Then, she had to watch her body be used for horrifying acts, againsther own people, against her family,without them realizing it.

Perhaps that’s where they were. Where she stood with everyone. Theycouldn’t put it together, they couldn’t separate who she was from whatthey did. There were days when she wanted to give up – to succumb to the hellthat became her mind as she was locked away. But then… then she thought of whatshe would say to them if she had another chance. How she would approach itdifferently, how she would lean forward with herself, no longer keeping peopleat arm’s lengths.

So when she can see the horror in their expressions, Josephine still incontrol, Clarke knows she has to do something. She has to save them, even if itmeans saving them from herself.

“No,” Bellamy breathes, taking a step away from her. “I-It can’t be.”

Josephine tilts her head in a murderous way. “Is it really so hard tobelieve, Bellamy? That she’s gone?”

“You’re lying!” Murphy spits to Bellamy’s left. “Clarke is one toughbitch who wouldn’t be taken out by someone as pathetic as you. You can’t kill—”

“A cockroach?” Josephine asks. “Sure you can, John. You just have to paralyzeit.”

Bellamy’s expression is one that Clarke wishes she never had to see.The heartbreak. The despair. She’s seen it before – even worse, she’s seen itdirected at her – and all she wantsto do is cry out. But she knows he can’t hear her, he can’t see her. He can’tsee how she’s fought to get back to him, to back to all of them, only to be behindglass. It’s as if she is back atMount Weather, but she never escaped.

“No,” Bellamy swallows. “No, Clarke can’t be—”

“Dead?” Josephine taunts. “I assure you, she can. Because this is allmine.” Josephine gestures to Clarke’s body. “It was kinda a drag at first, butI learned that I can get over all the baggage if people listen to me all thetime. I mean, you guys bitch so much,I don’t know how she hasn’t just murdered you all yet because it makes life somuch easier, but you know. C’est la vie.”

“Josie,” Russell warns behind her. “Don’t be cruel.”

“I’m right and I should say it.” Josephine says, gesturing at them. “They’vebeen super annoying.”

Bellamy still looks at her as if she’s shot him. His eyes are widerthan Clarke has ever seen them and they glisten.

“Actually, I think turning them into – what do you call it,nightbloods? Super catchy, not going to lie,” Josephine says. “And then we justbreed them so we can bring all the primes back. And just keep them so we canhave endless nightbloods and we’ll live forever. It’s the perfect plan.”

“Josie!” Russell exclaims, eyes wide. “That is sociopathic. We can’t—”

“Actually, I wasn’t asking.” Josephine says, nodding to guards behindhim.

“Hail Josephine, hallowed be her name.” People say behind her, theireyes glazed over.

“Josephine!” Russell cries when people restrain him. “This is not whatwe agreed on!”

“No, but as usual, I need to make the decisions because yours are soweak.” Josephine sighs. “Tie them up. We’ll start the procedures immediately.”

Clarke watches in horror. She wants to scream. So wants to reach out tothem. “I bore it so they didn’t have to. I killed so they didn’t have to. I did everything so they didn’t have to!”Clarke screams. She puts her hands on her head. “I didn’t want to do it. I didn’twant to do it!”

Clarke takes her hands off her head. “I just want to protect them. It’swhat I’ve always wanted.”

Josephine flicks her fingers. “Bring them—”

She stops.

Everyone stares at her as she looks around. “My lady, everythingalright?” Someone asks.

“I—”

Clarke knows.

She never wanted more blood on her hands. She never wanted to killanother person. But they are too important. They are all so important.

Clarke will not apologize forsaving those she loves.

Everything comes back in pieces. It’s like someone turned a television,but the signal isn’t fully available. It’s fuzzy and in pieces, and at onepoint she feels something sharp against her back. It feels like she’s drowning –her head hurts, her body hurts, and she can’t breathe.

When she comes to, people are surrounding her. She’s vaguely aware ofsomething wet on the back of her neck. Her head lolls on the ground and someoneprops her up. “Josephine!” They cry. “Josephine, please!”

Clarke’s eyes flit open, her body trembling.

“Josephine!”

“Try again.” Clarke manages, her cheeks dragging across the ground asshe tries to stabilize herself.

People recoil.

Clarke brings her hands in front of her, hoisting herself on herforearms. “Clarke?”

Clarke moves her head to the noise, seeing Bellamy’s face yards away. “Bellamy?”She breathes, her lower lip trembling.

His face breaks into something mixed between relief and sorrow. “Oh mygod, Clarke.”

There’s a few clicks and Clarke looks up to see weapons pointed at herheads. “What have you done with Josephine?” Someone asks. A piece of metal ispressed against her head. “What have you done?”

Clarke brings her hands to the back of her neck. Her fingers are wetwith blood. Open flesh.

Clarke rummages around until her hands scramble against the Mind Drivethat’s on the ground next to her. She grabs it, taking it in her fingers. “Takenback what’s mine.”

No one stops her when she stands to her feet.

Clarke steadies.

She stands in the center of everyone, still. Sure. Her family is off tothe left, Russell and his on the right. The people of Sanctum filling inbetween.

She stands.

Mind Drive in hand, Clarke looks at her family. She sees the pain ontheir faces. Losing her and regaining her all at once.

Her body doesn’t quite feel like her own. It’s foreign and strange.Like putting on an outfit that you haven’t tried in years. It doesn’t fitright.

The guards blink and stare at Clarke. “W-What?” Someone asks, staringwhere Clarke is. “H-How are you… they are gods. They are immortal!”

Clarke shakes her head. “No.” She responds. “They are humans, just likeyou. Just like us. The only difference is, we try to save each other.” Shemoves and places a hand on one of the Sanctums’ guards faces. “The differenceis, we don’t take each other’s lives under the guise of faith.”

***

It ends like it started.

Quietly.

Except instead of being paralyzed, Clarke is surrounded by a bubble.People who are afraid to talk to her, people who are afraid that she isn’t her.Clarke learns to ignore it, settling back into the loneliness she was used to.

“What are you planning on doing with Russell?” Clarke asks, barginginto a meeting where everyone is circled. A few people jump. Someone even movesaway from her. Clarke would be lying to herself if she said it didn’t hurt, soshe looks to the ground.

“Why?” Emori asks suspiciously.

“I’d like to speak with him.” Clarke answers. “And I’d like to takeresponsibility of him.”

“Sounds like something Josephine would say—”

“I wish you would treat me like I hurt you on purpose.” Clarke states,her eyes watering. “I never wanted to hurt you.” She lets out a hollow laugh. “Doesn’tmatter, though, right? All I do is apologize and then do it again.”

Raven recoils. “Clarke, I—” she clears her throat. “This is different,someone stole a body, you didn’t have a choice—”

“And I did before? It was the only choice.” Clarke asks, shutting her eyes. She hears Bellamy’s intake of breath. “I was told youguys or Mount Weather, I chose you guys. I was told Grounders or you guys, Ichose you guys. I was told you guys or the City of Light and I chose you guys.Enough.”

Clarke clears her throat. “I am no longer going to apologize for savingthe ones I love. And I wish you would stop asking me to.”

Clarke turns to leave, whirling around. “Clarke,” Bellamy reaches outand grabs her arm. “I—” He looks around to the room. “I can’t believe I wasn’tthere again.”

She closes her eyes. When she does that for sleep, she sees thenightmare. When she opens them, the nightmares remain. “It’s not your fault,”Clarke says, blinking. “I would never put that on you.”

He shakes her head. “You don’t have to bear it anymore. That’s why I’mhere. We can bear it.”

“Bellamy, I—”

“You don’t have to be alone anymore.” Bellamy insists. “I’m here for you, do you understand? I’m here.”

Clarke pauses. His words reverberate again and again, and it clicks.

The world is so lonely. It doesn’t mean you have to be alone.

Clarke sucks in a breath. “If you’ll excuse me.”

Moving throughout Sanctum, she moves quickly so no one can stop her.She doesn’t stop until she’s at Russell’s cell, trying to find the anger towardhim she expected.

He’s crumpled against the cell, his hair disheveled and clothes dirty. Whenhe catches her eye, he scoffs. “Come to finish the job?”

Clarke doesn’t respond. Instead, she looks to the guard, who gives herthe key. Unlocking the cell, Clarke moves toward him. “I understand your pain.”She states, eyes watering. “People leaving before you’re ready for them to doso. People leaving because of decisions youmade. I understand.”

Whatever Russell expected Clarke to say, it clearly wasn’t that. Hestares at her, eyes incredulous, but doesn’t respond.

Kneeling in front of him, Clarke places a hand on his knee. “I used tobe afraid of dying. That I would die young. It seemed like I was destined forit, you know? So much had happened. You cannot prevent death from happens. Itis all around us. It is like air. The people we love, they leave us. Peoplenever realize being left behind is so painful.”

Clarke moves in front of him. “I realize, I’m afraid of dying alone.Surrounded by nothing but my demons. The faces of those I killed. Of those Icouldn’t save.” She squeezes her eyes shut. “I’m not afraid of death, Russell.”

Sucking in a breath, Clarke smiles at him. “I realize that you havenever had to face death. You’ve been postponing it for so long, I thought youmay like some company. Because I wouldn’t want to die alone. I can’t imagineyou would want to either.”

Clarke pulls something out of her pocket and shows it to him. Russell’seyes widen. “I am to be publicly executed for my crimes.”

Shaking her head, Clarke says, “Not if you don’t want to. And if you’reafraid, I’m here for you.”

Russell stares at the pill in her hands. She’d grabbed it in the lab duringone of her lucid moments, ready to take Josephine out if it meant the end ofher. He takes it from her, holding it close. “Clarke—”

“I know.”

Russell squeezes his eyes shut. “I just wanted to make up for theeclipse. I never meant to hurt anyone.”

“I know.”

Because she does.

“I’m here.” Clarke says as he places the pill in his mouth. “I’m here,so you don’t have to be scared.” She reaches out and grabs his hand.

“Why are you doing this?” Russell asks. “I-I killed you, I took yourbody.”

“You don’t have to apologize for trying to save the ones you love tome.” Clarke says, eyes watering. “You never had to face death before. There wasalways another body, another host. This is uncharted territory. I’m not sayingwhat you did was right. But I’m here for you anyways. Because I’d like to thinkin the grand scheme of things, we’re not alone.”

“You’re not.”

Clarke frowns at Russell’s statement as he slumps against her shoulder.His weight grows heavier against her. She looks up to see a throng of people standingoutside the cell. Bellamy, Murphy, Jordan, Raven, Madi, Emori and Echo. Theyall stand before her as she holds Russell’s hand. “Don’t be afraid. We’re hereto help you.”

“I’m so sorry, Clarke.” Russell states, his words slow.

She squeezes her eyes shut and a tear streams down her cheek. “Don’t beafraid, I have you.”

Staring ahead at the people she always called family, Clarke takes abreath. “In peace, may you leave this shore. In love, may you find the next.Safe passage in your travels, until our final journey to the ground.” Clarkelocks eyes with Bellamy, who stares at her like he’s afraid she’ll disappear. “Maywe meet again.”

Bellamy closes his eyes. He mouths it, as if just for her.

“May we meet again.”

[rrxnjun]

from here ;

hmm i haven't really listened to dynamite and tbt i don't really want to bc butter was v disappointing djkfhgf i had only been in book fandoms since the beginning bc i got a yt/gmail acc only after i turned 12. i gave western music a ‘serious’ listen from then and after that i got into the wild place that is k-pop. ngl i don’t regret it bc the insanity >>> but oml there was a time when i used to read like 2/3 books in a week and now it’s regressed to like 1 in 6 months i genuinely feel bad for not being able to make the time to read 😭😭 (are we counting fanfiction tho hmmm). it was fun reading all those ya dystopian fiction with crazy amts of angst lol. are you into any specific book/author these days?

omg do you play the flute ?? and noooo sticker is nuts but I really like roadtrip from the album it’s so pretty as a song dkfjgd

FDSDGH so i’m pretty sure yangyang said the same ab cat food so bye bye #bar and renjun soulmate agenda hihi #bar and yangyang childhood rivals to complicated relationship with messy feelings (enemies ?? ) bc you’re both grown up now but he’s still a p(r)etty, overthinking idiot [affectionate] to friends of weird sort to smth more wink wink??

YESSS GIVE EXO A TRY their group music is so good literally all of them are bops i can’t stress enough on how good they are 🤧 omg i love their solo stuff too kyungsoo’s solo songs literally have me shedding tears haven’t still recovered from empathy. love shot ikfjgd it's one of those songs which makes loving exo so damn easy it’s the song which got me into them, that and overdose <3 and the choreo🧎🏾‍♀️love how we all collectively went batshit crazy over love shot oh gods i absolutely loved watching other idols trying that iconic love shot move the feeling of unitedly obsessing over them is unparalleled. here’s the exo playlist hope you like it omg had to use up all of my self control from adding entire discographies. 

I LOVE BAEKHYUN’S VOICE even when the man’s screaming which is like always lol <3 that compilation video of byun baekhyun screaming in youtube my beloved. cry for love is beautiful and un village was the first baekhyun solo i listened to so it’s special <3

the worst part is how superm won’t be active in the next few years bc of the enlistments we’re losing god tiered music makers to the war </3 kjdgf ALL OF THEIR VIDEOS ARE HILARIOUS YESS those vids where they quiz each other is sm chaos lmaoo. jfgsdf have you watched this video where they react to their as we wish scenarios?? sheesh that amt of clowning and slandering is >>> ohhh fave superm song hmm hard to choose but i’ll go w dangerous woman (ten’s ‘what’s wrong with you part’ is just too cute) wish you were here, infinity and tiger inside.   

ALSO LOVED THE PARX PLAYLIST haven’t listened to it fully tho but for now my faves are easy to hate and i felt younger when we met omg i love most of the songs from fandom <33

and oml tysm i really needed to see that 😭 i’m literally so scared bc lord it’s my last year in school and my last year as a minor ahhhhh 🤧 stem is extremely hard and puts me through sm pain <3. the only reason i’m sticking w it is bc i like learning it <3 getting the opportunity to study what you like is actually such a rare thing + almost the entirety of my country’s population is obsessed w getting their kids major in stem subjects (bc of the asian stereotypes surrounding those fields) but we don’t have that many good unis so the competition is really tiring </3

p.s. i haven’t really used tiktok so idk 💀 and the yangyang brainrot is doing a little too bc of your fic 😵 feeling sm things after reading i’m not angry anymore (well, sometimes i am) bc yangyang's character <33 need a few weeks to recover from that tyvm 

oof i get you w butter it was so disappointing🤧🤧but oh well. everyone has different taste🤷‍♀️ i dont really get solo armies but i guess im not the one to judge.

i get you with book fandoms!!! i wasnt in many book fandoms, since i didnt really know they existed 💀💀 but i am a massive bookworm! i too used to read like 3 books a week once and now im happy if i do 1 every three months😭 but im busier now and also have other hobbies, so i guess that's why i dont read as much anymore! what are some of your favorite books? 🥰 im a big fan of john green books (dont judge. i copy his writing style /j) and j.d. sallinger! i love me some good YA and dystopian books hhh. im currently reading this crime book i stole from my grandma but im too lazy to look up the english name 😭😭😭 are you reading anything atm?

SJSJSJ i dont play the recorder 😭 i mean,, i have it at home and i can play when i look up the simplified version of notes with the drawings,,, like the sheet music they do for elementary school children 💀💀 i knew how to play the titanic song lmaoo i play the guitar tho! do you play any instruments?

your yangyang childhood rivals to complicated relationship with messy feelings (enemies??) bc you're both grown up now but he's still a p(r)etty overthinking idiot [affectionate] to friends of some sort to smth more wink wink is so specific i might just take some inspo from this wink wink

OVERDOSE >>>>>>> I FUCKING LOOOVE THAT SONG@!!! also i listened to the playlist and found out that i knew more than half of the songs you added 😭😭 i loved the ones that were new to me tho!!!! espeCIALLY going crazy! i think that one was my fav out of the new ones! i might just need you to help me stan them or something bc the playlist slAPS

dont remind me of superm military hiatus when i miss them the most :(( also no i havent seen these!!! gotta catch up sjsjsn

FANDOM IS MY FAV PARX ALBUM!! its very dear to my heart!! also our fav songs match🥺 i felt younger when we met is probably my most played song of this year smh 🤧

oh so youre 17?? enjoy it i romanticize that age so much i feel like the last time when i was truly happy was when i was 17 💀 but no trust me its all gonna be good! i know it seems scary but as your self proclaimed older sister figure, i promise its less difficult than it seems and you'll do great. you can always come to me and vent whenever things get hard! i am glad you are fortunate enough to study what you want to, its truly a privilage some of us tend to overlook

p.s. the yy brainrot is still going in me as well i listened to miracle today on repeat and i swear his parts make me feel a different type of way😭 also make sure to tell me more abt your thoughts and feelings on that fic if you want to!

[starsrshiney]

Team Stars Groupchat Semi-AU: The part where they (most of them, at least) actually chat.

>StarTippedArrows has logged in.

>sexyRecon: Aww man, there goes my 10 gold

>IvyHearts: I told you he’d get in before Jimi

>StarTippedArrows: Hi to you two as well. Anyone else here?

>DancingButterfly: Hi Stars!

>StarTippedArrows: Hi Rose.

>StarTippedArrows: Wait, Rose?

>sexyRecon: And that’s my 10 gold back!

>StarTippedArrows: Not to be rude, but how?!

>DancingButterfly: Chax helped me get here.

>ChemLab: Jimi and T-Takky would be here too, but they decided to t-try on their own

>IvyHearts: and before you ask

>IvyHearts: I said BEFORE you ask, I can see you typing Stars

>IvyHearts: Von is using a speech-to-text and text-to-speech program while he does work in his lab.

>StarTippedArrows: Wait, that’s an option? I mean, I can use a typewriter well enough, but these keys feel so. . . flat.

>GunsNSkulls has logged in

>GoggledBlade has logged in

>ChemLab: I can show you l-later, after I get these potions chilled to their p-proper temperatures.

>GunsNSkulls: Why are ya typing ya stutter?

>IvyHearts: Scroll up

>GoggledBlade: I can’t see anything from before I logged in.

>GunsNSkulls: Me neither

>IvyHearts: hold on, let me see if I can do that copy and paste thing we were taught. . .

>IvyHearts: IvyHearts: Von is using a speech-to-text and text-to-speech program while he does work in his lab.

>sexyRecon: 9/10, but you didn’t need to copy your username as well

>IvyHearts: shut up.

>RufflesInFlight has logged in

>sexyRecon: FUCK

>IvyHearts: WOOHOO

>RufflesInFlight: ???????

>StarTippedArrows: Judging from my entrance, you just caused Chax to lose a bet

>sexyRecon: I HAD 30 GOLD ON JASMINE LOGGING IN BEFORE CRYSTAL

>RufflesInFlight: You bet how much on WHO getting on before me?

>GunsNSkulls: Jazzy’s helpin Aaron log on.

>RufflesInFlight: Anniey, I hope I get a cut of that, since its because of me you got it.

>IvyHearts: You can have all of it if you want, I just want to make chax lose at bets

>sexyRecon: RUDE. But fair.

>sexyRecon: Hey wait-

>FrostLizard has logged in

>sexyRecon: Rude but fair is my schtick! How’d you like it if I started being the priestess with a temper?!

>IvyHearts: Hands up if you think I have a temper?

>sexyRecon raised his hand

>GunsNSkulls rasied his hand

>GoggledBlade raised his hand

>RufflesInFlight rasied her hand

>StarTippedArrows raised his hand

>FrostLizard: I raise my hand

>sexyRecon: I never thought I’d see the day Sal makes a funny

>IvyHearts: Oh come on,even my brother and Sal?

>IvyHearts: Rose, you’re my only friend in this chat

>GunsNSkulls: Anniey, your temper causes pipes to burst. An who do ya think is the one fixing those pipes?

>IvyHearts: Aaron

>GoggledBlade is dying laughing

>sexyRecon is dying laughing

>IvyHearts: But I get your message

>StarTippedArrows is dying laughing

>GoodTwin has logged in

>BetterTwin has logged in

>BetterTwin: I have arrived, no need to thank me

>sexyRecon: Glad to see that Jasmine recognizes Aaron is the better twin

>GoggledBlade is dying laughing

>IvyHearts is dying laughing

>FrostLizard: is dying laughing

>GunsNSkulls is dying laughing

>BetterTwin: I’M JASMINE YOU UNPASTEURIZED NUMBSKULL

>StarTippedArrows has sent FrostLizard a private message

>sexyRecon: Unpasteurized because I’m already bacteria free, tyvm

>ChemLab: I can ash-sh-sure you that isn’t true

>sexyRecon: malignant bacteria free

>ChemLab: Sure, that w-works.

>BetterTwin: But yes, it did take a while to get Aaron to choose a non-depressing screen name

>GoggledBlade: Which you then proceed to put down with your own.

>BetterTwin: . . .

>GoodTwin: I think you just broke her.

>GoodTwin: Give her a bit of a break, she’s been getting better at that.

>StarTippedArrows: I think I can help with this.

>sexyRecon: What was with that private message earlier anyway?

>FrostLizard glares at sexyRecon

>IvyHearts gives FrostLizard a thumbs up

>StarTippedArrows: Testing some of the admin functions, like so

>StarTippedArrows has changed BetterTwin’s username to LuxuryLightning

>sexyRecon: Oh, you taught Sal how the actions actually work

>LuxuryLightning: When I take over the team, you shall be in charge of all naming.

>StarTippedArrows: I think that’s the first time you’ve ever said you’ll keep me around after taking my leadership.

>StarTippedArrows is pulling up a list- Online Users

               -sexyRecon

               -DancingButterfly

               -ChemLab

               -IvyHearts

               -StarTippedArrows

               -GunsNSkulls

               -GoggledBlade

               -RufflesInFlight

               -FrostLizard

               -GoodTwin

               -LuxuryLightning

>StarTippedArrows: Where’s Mahn? And Briar for that matter, but Mahn is usually punctual even if he thinks things are ridiculous

>TeamCoach has logged in

>IvyHearts: Oh Nilofer Damn it

>sexyRecon: Not only do I break even, I get 20 gold from Anniey AND Von!

>ChemLab: I really d-didn’t expect Mahn to be last.

>StarTippedArrows: Yeah, this is too suspicious. Don’t blow up your large communicators while I’m gone

>StarTippedArrows has gone idle

>sexyRecon: They’re computers Stars! You’ve traveled to enough Earths to know that.

>IvyHearts: Given the circumstances, he’ll have to drop the ignorance-by-choice thing he has about knowing interdimensional terms.

>TeamCoach: . . . I haven’t even been here 2 minutes and I’m already confused.

>RufflesInFlight: About the chat in general, or about chax and anniey’s (and apparently von’s) bets?

>TeamCoach: both, but reading that caught me up enough on the bet thing.

>StarTippedArrows is no longer idle

>StarTippedArrows: Mahn broke his monitor.

>sexyRecon is dying laughing

>StarTippedArrows: Not even 2 hours into this new training course and I already have to talk to the Community about replacing broken equipment

>sexyRecon: Oh hey, it looks like the community gave my account admin privileges too

>sexyRecon has kicked StarTippedArrows from the chat- take your broken equipment angst elsewhere

>FrostLizard has gone idle- I need to stab Chax

>sexyRecon has gone idle- You need to find me first

[gendryw4ters-blog]

writers meme!!! 31-40 (hehehehe)

ash oh my gosh ily THANK YOU (but also some of these were tough as heck omg ahah)

31: Do you take liberties with canon or are you very strict about your fic being canon compliant?i take a looooot of liberties i think? which is why i always tend to write modern aus, because i feel like it’s less bad for me to do so in those instances. not that taking liberties with canon-canon is bad, but i do worry a lot about getting things spot on because ive been in fandoms before where cocking up a canon fact could get you a raft of “yOU DONT KNOW A DAMN THING”s and yknow what? i dont know a damn thing but i dont need to be called out on that tyvm

however! since hbowar is an awful lot more chill and lovely, i have found myself delving into more canon-era writing than i ever thought i would, which is lovely! and whilst sticking to canon is still something i try and do my best with, i don’t mind mixing things up a little bit with it either as much as i used to!

32: How do you feel about smut?i dont wanna get too weird and intense and personal here, but i have an incredibly complicated relationship with smut. it’s primarily to do with The Past, and because it still lingers around me a lot, so do the complications. having said that! things are a lot better than they were then (my bf isn’t an addict OR a controlling asshole like it was, for starters), so i feel… less bad about reading it than i did? “less bad” isnt the wording i want for that, i think less weird is better maybe? either way! i still read it and tbh i kind of like reading it too but it’s usually just for the aesthetics and also! the feelings. i love feelings.

i personally don’t write smut! for the reasons listed earlier but also a) in case anyone i know in real life ever stumbled across it, b) im not somebody who’s particularly interested in sex myself so it’s like- it feels a bit bizarre writing it sometimes, and c) i can’t write it for shit. i genuinely cannot. i think about it. i have headcanons about it (ron speirs is UNREAL at oral, for instance). but i can’t write it, and so i don’t. no hate to anyone that does though!! i think it’s a wonderful thing.

33: How do you feel about crack?you’re asking this of the lady who superimposes the faces of easy company onto farmers for a living, i’d just like to remind you of that ;)

i looove it. i love it. i’ll admit that i sometimes find some of it a little bit cringey (less so in the hbowar fandom but like! back in the anime days. oh god. i have seen and read some shit in my time). but for the most part! it’s something i adore, cause its just really nice to have fun, yknow? it’s like the spice girls luztoye stuff i did- that’s arguably cracky, i think? but it’s a lot of fun to write! and it can sometimes be a sweet bit of relief amongst the oh-so-beautiful and yet utterly gut-wrenching angst we have here too ahah

34: What are your thoughts on non-con and dub-con?non-con is an absolute no go for me. that goes kind of without saying.

dub-con is also a no go for the most part except like- okay, im going to give a personal example of this because it’s the best way i can explain how i feel about it;

last night, i was pretty drunk. not completely out of it, can barely walk, is absolutely not able to think or fend for herself in any way drunk, but still pretty drunk. my bf (who was sober and who is also an angel) came to walk me home for extra safety, and we kissed a couple times cause yknow- i love him and he’s got a very smoochable face. now i know that can sometimes be seen as dub-con perhaps because one party was drunk, however! i was still able to think and act for myself, and i was fully consenting (i remember doing so clearly, and also we’re in a pretty tactile relationship where those kinds of things are just a given)- so dub-con in that sense, then yeah im okay with that. 

however, anything more than kissing, or stuff where one person has said yes but only after a hefty amount of persuasion, or anything else that isn’t an explicit “yes, i WOULD like to do this with you”, then yeah- that’s a no go.

35: Would you ever kill off a canon character?yeah!! i have done before in fact (though never in hbowar writing- however i do plan on it with this pacific idea i have muhahaha). for the angst, innit?

36:Which is your favorite site to post fic?ao3 for sure!! i used to use ff dot net, and im pretty sure my old account is still floating about on there too (thankfully a completely different username to any of my current ones lmao), but i love ao3 a lot and it’s so much more efficient and wonderful and it makes interactions with other writers a little easier. also! the format is sooo much nicer oh my gosh

37: Talk about your current wips.oh gosh i have so many!! im currently working on some playlist prompts i got the other day, that were just supposed to be playlists but i ended up writing ficlets for too. there’s a farm/webgott one (that’s pretty long!), a baberoe, a luztoye, and then a buck/malarkey one that im curious about doing since ive not written for them before.

outside of the prompts! im working on a luztoye twin peaks but not really twin peaks kind of thing, and some baberoe stuff, and a couple of other drabbles ive had in my drafts for a very long time too!!

38: Talk about a review that made your day.oh gosh this just reminded me of all the super sweet comments i was supposed to reply to but i havent been on ao3 in a while (logged in i mean) and keep forgetting to! i’ll have to get around to that soon!!

each and every single review i get brightens up my day a lot! it means the world that people take the time to read my stuff and leave comments and each one means so so much more to me than i think i could ever really get into writing. so thank you!! thank you

this one from an anon called Lynn, this is one of my favourites ever- it just warms me right up to know that someone’s rereading fics and getting the same amount of joy out of them that i get from writing them; especially with take my hand, cause that’s one that i still think about a lot when im upset and it always cheers me up a little!

39: Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?luckily! ive never really gotten any rude reviews and im really appreciative of that- though i feel like this is generally because the hbowar family for the most part is one of the most mature and respectful fandoms around, something that never gets old to me!

40: Write an alternative ending to [insert fic title] (or just the summary of one). okay so!! you said Scar Tissue for this one, and i guess a summary of an alternative ending for this one would be that they would kiss!! because they didn’t kiss in the original and i kind of wish they had done but at the same time i didnt want to rush things. the fic would be longer, and they would kiss, and george would open up to joe a little too since there are a lot of things i think george has going on that he doesn’t really talk about either- things im hoping to explore in a different fic in the future (key word being hoping) !

thanks soo much for the ask bab!! and sorry for rambling so much ahah, i hope some of it makes sense!! love ya!!

[briirens]

the noragami writers’ chat according to the creator

Okay, so you have probably seen other accounts summarize our lovely chat before. And if you’re curious to know who started the whole thing, it was me! And in the six months the chat has been up, I have seen so many personalities come together. Now, I will summarize each member how I see them everyday.

@kurisuumakise - Has a cookie jar we are not allowed to touch, writes angst that kills us all, is the English major student you go to for tutorial, says she’s the saving voice of the chat but really edges us on, will make a power point out of you, has the longest iTunes and manga list I have ever seen in my entire life, cannot call her unnie, and has four hour long art streams.

@yatorihell - (Fake Brit) Drunk aunt, also a grandma, loves Game of Thrones, models her fics after said show, eyebrows be on fleek, has a liver made of steel, will drop a class is she learns only the basics, writes angst when fluff is demanded, is the only person who would kill over ten people in a fic, have to spray with water daily, makes dark deals with pip, and will call you babe or nerd.

@paperypiper - (Munchkin, Smol, Pip, Pippo, Pipper, Pippin) Smol human being, loves cats, has a wicked art talent, can connect with you over any musical or book, or show, gets hella sassy, has actually dragged my ass more than once, is the one who looks into the camera, or screams no, makes. all. her. snaps. three. seconds. long, will stay up till five am but yell at you if you do as well, and has the cutest voice ever.

@eerna - VERY PRETTY AND CUTE, gets excited over smol and meaningful things, is cute when excited, DRAWS SO HELLA WELL LIKE GIVE ME YOUR TALENT, is the savior of the chat, the responsible sister who gives you health facts when you’re about to do wrong, writes really well too, is so created like pls, lives in a place we like to assume is not real, and is open to share new ideas.

@skyheaven1231 - Rose trauma, still can’t believe I have to put a trigger warning on that, literally will disappear for weeks but somehow summon the second her art and name are mentioned, has this v soothing accent, DREW A COVER FOR MY FIC AND THANK YOU, you could honestly tell her any idea you have and she will love it, is the older sister you can go to for anything, and is the sweetest person I know when not writing angst.

@skadventuretime - Hey mom, is legit the mom of the group, she is not in often, so we’re actually partying in her absence, but when she appears the whole chat acts like angels, has written character death before, we act like angels but she writes angst frequently, is the inspiration to us all, if she saw what we all did for a living... we would be grounded, and she’s a hard working grad school student.

@hiyoris-scarf - Writing senpai, likes to pretend that fanny packs are not fanny packs, has a habit of pulling apples outta nowhere, is high on alcohol life, sends videos of her cat, IS SO FUCKING PRETTY GOSH, went to Europe and came back a different person, is the definition of tumblr aesthetic, is extremely bad at lying over message, has had experiences in airplanes and writes smut for a living.

@moonemi - LITTLE SISTER, is honestly so BEAUTIFUL, the cutest person ever, is the definition of relationship goals, has a lotta knowledge in Korean dramas and music, has a v cute drawing style, cares so much about others, has the cutest British accent ever, how many times can I say cute in a sentence, cusses when v serious, is very aesthetic wth teach me, and is the first person I will visit outta the country.

@shadownightes - SASSY DAUGHTER, is the kindest person ever, drew a picture of my OC and I wanna lay down, will text during class, is there when you need her to be, honestly also lives in a place that is not real, draws the good stuff, is the biggest OC fan I have ever met in my entire life, is so precious, takes care of her mama, and knows what goods to send.

@dr-gothtastic - (Inku) Angst Queen, your local Kazubisha nerd, makes the best edits ever, can catch her playing video games for hours, will one day come to NYC with me, FELLOW KPOP FAN LIKE HELLO, tells the best stories in the whole universe, the person who has a nerd party that is fucking wild, has a beautiful laugh, literally is the cousin who knows how to party in the best ways, and will always give advice,

@bishoujohiyo - Your friendly neighborhood nurse, looks like an actress, wil fucking diagnose you if you mention you have cold, tells you all the things you should be eating... but you don’t have them, has the best typos in the world, will come up with the most unique insults, is the concerned mother for all of us youngions, knows how to calm someone down, and I would be hella sick without her. 

@wolfisyatotrash - RP buddy, took two months just to join the damn chat, is the voice of reason for most of our actions, awoo, is up at 12 am when she has school the next morning, is literally the most indecisive person in the chat, screams with me over random aus, literally is the manga page finder, finds everything before everyone else, says she can’t draw but can, and we just celebrated our one year anniversary for being friends.

@themusicalbookworm - (Geo, National Giographic) BEST SINGER EVER, is honestly the nicest person in the world, will meet up with me soon, writes the best and most angsty songs, can talk to you on just about anything, will write a song just for kicks in an au, gets my Florida problems, is also the mom of the group, comes up with the best ideas ever, and is like E V E R Y T H I N G.

@omnismith - Local kazubisha fan, swoons at many things, fact checks everything, looks up the meanings of Adachitoka detail, comes up the best headcanons and imagines for Noragami, also says some painful things about kazubisha, slowly became corrupted by the chat, judges the chat when she’s on, and is honestly the nicest person ever. 

@godinatracksuit - WIFEY, likes to go on walks, takes pictures of her dogs and nature, is very outdoors-y aesthetic, will literally send me a box of potatoes one day, judges the beaches in Florida, HAS THE BEST AND CUTEST AU EVER, can also sing like multi-talented, has to make us all coffee one day, first started out in the kazubisha chat and the moved over, and we have corrupted her.

@carrotcouple - My go to sleep alarm clock, is up when I go to bed, has to go through 1000 messages each morning, also looks up details about Noragami, is also a big KPOP fan, writes a fic that was translated into Chinese, likes to kinkshame me on the daily, kinkshames everyone on the daily tbh, inspired a new fic series of mine, and is a part of the Kdrama group.

@yes-campaign - WROTE ME THIS LONG ESSAY ON WHY I MATTERED AND HONESTLY SHE DESERVES A FUCKING GOLD STAR TYVM, sassy daughter, literally sasses everyone, you will probably think she is from England, can probably give you a detailed report on how to do something the simple way, is the youngest one in the group, and she acts nineteen.

@sunflower-yukine - My son, he was so innocent, now he is nothing except bees and shrek, sends me daily snaps and I am v thankful, is the only boy in the chat, likes to torture us all with memes, is the best friend nobody can control, knows how to get under everyone’s skin with memes, teams up with the meme team to attack us, and is honestly the funniest person to be around.

@rest-in-bees - Talks to me on the daily, has literally been taken over by memes, made a shrek cake, is the voice of reason when I am down in the dumps, loves listening about aus, I get to see her very soon, is so funny that it hurts, has a lot of childhood shows that she needs to watch, IS THE VOICE BEHIND THE RELATIONSHIP OF MY OC, and helps me out with Tinder.

@kiun & @blessedburial - NEWBIES, i have yet to really experience their full extent, caring children, also tell me to go to sleep or lay down, slowly are becoming corrupted from the chat, salty savages and I love them so much, still adjusting to Cat writing angst, and me killing characters, newest additions, and they fit in perfectly!

[rebeccaheyman]

reading + listening 08.10.20

When I say that my book consumption this week swung from the best 2020 has to offer so far to the absolute worst, I am not exaggerating in the least. Another wild ride from start to finish...

Love is a Rogue (Lenora Bell), ebook, ARC. Full review on NetGalley. LOVE IS A ROGUE was my first Lenora Bell book -- but clocking in at a solid B, it won't be my last. Beatrice is an able-enough heroine, distinguished by her love for etymology, books, and the etymological dictionary she's planning to write once she achieves full spinster status. All she needs to do is fail one more season with the ton to circumvent her mother's plan's to make an advantageous marriage. Ford, our dashing hero, enters the scene as a carpenter whose role overseeing the renovation of the duke's estate brings him into Beatrice's path. They collide with flirtatious results, and the fun continues when Beatrice hires Ford to renovate a bookshop she just-so-happens to have inherited from a dead aunt. Unbeknownst to Beatrice, the property brings Ford's past directly in-line with her present, and they unite to overcome the challenges posed by society, their personal demons, and Ford's dastardly grandfather. 

For me, Beatrice's status as the duke's sister undermined the urgency of her final season in society; she doesn't have to marry to save the family fortune or escape a cruel family situation, and in fact, Beatrice quickly decides to play along and appease her mother, all the while knowing she'll reject any proposals and retire to the country in due course. So the stakes are not especially high from a cultural perspective, which deflated the conflict somewhat. Likewise, Ford's inner demons don't hold the same power over him that might seriously impact his actions; he's set to return to the Royal Navy any day now, but decides with zero fanfare that actually no, he'll decline another tour and stay land-locked, tyvm. How realistic would it have been to back out of military service? I can't say -- but it seems like this would have been a serviceable point of separation for Ford and Beatrice, that would have prolonged the third act and provided valuable tension. Because it's the third act that keeps LOVE IS A ROGUE from ascending higher in my estimation. 

The Midnight Bargain (C.L. Polk), ebook, ARC. Full four-star review on NetGalley.

I unequivocally adored THE MIDNIGHT BARGAIN, the first I've read from author C.L. Polk. It's a little tricky to categorize this standalone fantasy romance, which takes place in a decidedly other world, but still calls on the culture of Regency-era England -- so to call it "historical" is misleading, but readers who enjoy historical romance will surely find the cultural mores in THE MIDNIGHT BARGAIN both familiar and compelling. Beatrice Clayborn is in town for her last Bargaining season -- a time for male sorcerers to find powerful wives whose magic will serve them once the marriage is sealed. Because in this world, women aren't allowed magic and marriage simultaneously; the danger of a spirit taking over an unborn child is too great, so women are collared, literally and figuratively, to keep this atrocity from happening. Beatrice has plans to study magic in secret and become a full-fledged Mage, which would render her ineligible for marriage and destroy her family's social and economic standing, but secure her rights to her own power and body for the rest of her life. All she needs are the secrets hidden in one particular grimoire -- that's stolen right from her hands by the Lavan siblings. Powerful, and with ambitions and secrets of their own, the Ianthe and Ysbeta and Ianthe complicate Beatrice's plans by drawing her into their lives; Ysbeta as accomplice, confidante and friend, and Ianthe as all those things plus potential lover and love.

Polk's writing is fluid and charming, with careful attention to detail. Her evocative world-building and subtle magic system is never forgotten, but it also never overwhelms the distinctly human motivations that move our characters through time and space. THE MIDNIGHT BARGAIN was compulsively readable, full of lovely language and delightfully unassuming turns of phrase. Beatrice is intrepid and brave; Ysbeta is fierce and loyal; Ianthe is the profoundly romantic, feminist hero we all need. A delight from the first page to the last, THE MIDNIGHT BARGAIN is a tightly-woven, beautifully-rendered fantasy romance that will make you a C.L. Polk fan if you aren't one already.

Midnight Sun (Stephanie Meyer). eBook + aBook. Perhaps like me, you thought a little nostalgia and escapism would revive the dregs of this terrible, pandemic summer. Maybe you thought a throwback to simpler times -- the year 2005 to be exact -- would make you feel young and carefree again. Bella and Edward’s angsty bullshit would be fun to revisit, and maybe Edward’s POV would reveal something interesting about a story we might not all have loved, but definitely loved to hate. Well, 2020 is here to set you straight again: this year absolutely blows, and no amount of sparkly vampires can save it. I can say with perfect clarity that MIDNIGHT SUN is the worst novel I (or anyone) will read this year. The degree to which MIDNIGHT SUN fails as a novel is so extreme, it’s actually hard to qualify which aspect of the book is worst: the writing, the narrative development, the unadulterated laziness of retelling a story from a POV that adds literally nothing to our understanding of that first narrative. Fail, fail, fail. In no particular order, here are my thoughts:

The writing is as bad as you think it’s going to be. I don’t know what Stephanie Meyer has been doing for the past 15 years, but it’s not working on her craft. Purple prose takes on newly virulent shades in this trash heap of lazy language. 

While I understand that the story itself was restricted by an established plot, there was an opportunity to leave behind some of the language that simply hasn’t aged well. “...[M]y own personal brand of heroine” was cringe-inducing the first time, and no effort was made to allay a scene that is frankly embarrassing to read. Perhaps worst of all, though, is that language on the same plane of egregiousness is introduced to the narrative with no precedent from the original text. Bella’s claim that she’s “so clumsy that I’m almost disabled” (245) doesn’t feel like something that should have passed muster in 2020. Did no one flag this for blatant insensitivity? Yeesh.

The original TWILIGHT was just shy of 500 pages. MIDNIGHT SUN is 675 pages. Six! Hundred! Seventy! Five! How does a story that was overlong at 500 pages stretch almost 200 MORE pages, you ask? Easy, when you commit to narrating every scene in painstakingly slow detail. The infamous baseball game you remember? It takes nearly fifty pages for it to unfold in Edward’s slow, tedious narration. At one point, when Ed & Co. are trying to throw James off Bella’s scent, Edward starts articulating individual footsteps. It’s... stunning, how god-awful boring this book is. 

Dear Reader, you know -- have always known -- that Edward is an obsessive sociopath with stalker tendencies and a serious control problem. Your conscious mind has elected to allay your concerns about the health of Bella and Edward’s relationship because it’s fun to watch two kids being dramatic and self-centered, yearning for each other with the kind of intensity that only comes with the blinders of young love. Dear Reader, you will STRUGGLE to maintain this elan for toxicity if you read MIDNIGHT SUN. Edward’s murder-fantasies, which extend to all the kids in Bella’s science class and later, to the school secretary too busy salivating over a child to recognize how unhinged he is, are difficult to stomach. The constant litany of “it hurts but I like it” is incredibly off-putting and, again, boring as dry toast. 

I can’t keep going. It was just so, so bad. It wasn’t fun or nostalgic or even funny. Just pathetic. I know this was a cash-cow slam-dunk for Meyer and her publisher, which is all the proof we’ll ever need that money is the root of all evil. Rarely have I ever felt this way but here it is: I wish this book didn’t exist. Don’t buy it. 

The Poet X (Elizabeth Acevedo), eBook. I admit, I started THE POET X months and months ago, and had 50 pages to finish that I just didn’t get to until this week. I was floundering after M*dnight S*n, and knew the only remedy short of bona fide brain bleach would be an infusion of thoughtful, beautiful, elegant language. Finishing this novel-in-verse started the process of reviving my faith in the written word. Acevedo never trades pathos for angst, and allows Xiomara’s complex emotions and experiences to shine with subtlety and heart. THE POET X occupies that top-tier of novels-in-verse that, for me, has since been limited to BLOOD WATER PAINT (Joy McCullough).

These Ghosts are Family (Maisy Card), aBook narrated by Karl O’Brian Williams. I love a multi-generational narrative, especially when a well-earned comp to one of my favorite novels, HOMEGOING (Gyasi), indicates a globe-spanning, culturally complex, deeply human story that hinges around one decision that ripples through time and space. When Abel Paisley assumes his dead friend’s identity, the consequences of his choice reverberate through the family he left behind in Jamaica and the one(s) he forms in New York. With Abel’s life fast coming to an end, his desire for closure brings the truth of his deception to light, and that decision, too, has far-reaching consequences. This is a beautiful debut from Card, and the narration from Williams is exemplary. If you read and adored ALL ADULTS HERE (Emma Straub), dive into THESE GHOSTS ARE FAMILY for an even more poignant family portrait that still capitalizes on a strongly-braided narrative and multiple POVs.

Migrations (Charlotte McConaghy), eBook. If M*dnight S*n is the worst book 2020 has to offer (and it is!), MIGRATIONS is undeniably the finest. I’m calling it right here: This is the best book you’ll read this year, full stop. As of this writing, on Monday morning, I’ve already gifted MIGRATIONS twice -- and I only started reading it on Saturday night. That’s how quickly it drew me in and wove itself around my heart. 

Franny Lynch is on a mission to follow the last of the world’s Arctic terns on their epic annual migration. For all that she’s following the birds, Franny is also running from her past, and speeding toward her own planned end. In a narrative that moves through time as fluidly as a dorsal fin cutting through the water, McConaghy slips in and out of the present to multiple eras of the past -- each as compelling as the next. How Franny came to be on her mission is a story of love and passion and wandering and heartbreak, and how a girl who has always belonged to the sea manages to make her way through the world on land. Like STATION ELEVEN (Emily St John Mandel), MIGRATIONS paints into being a future that is eerily possible and terrifyingly probable, but never sacrifices the propulsive character study at the center of the work in favor of grand-standing about issues. And the language... oh my soul, the language. I was spoiled for choice when it comes to excerpts, but here’s one that slayed me in Act III:

“And I am done with the universe between us. It is so perilous, this love, but he’s right, and I will have no cowardice in my life, not anymore, and I will be no small thing, and I will have no small life, and so I find his mouth with mine and we are awake at last, returned to a land long abandoned, the land of each other’s bodies.” (275)

Give yourself the gift of this novel, and then give the gift of this novel to someone you care about. Then find me on Twitter so we can talk endlessly about how wonderful it is.

Okay, on the docket this week:

The Ten Thousand Doors of January (Alix Harrow)

Sweet Sorrow (David Nicholls)

The Garden of Small Beginnings (Abbi Waxman)

Perfect Little World (Kevin Wilson)

The Vanishing Half (Brit Bennett)