#this has been sitting in my inbox for months. ash my love i am so sorry | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years ago

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Survey #436

from a couple days ago again; still don’t feel like rewriting any answers.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower? A hell of a lot; I love doing that. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yup. But I don't like hard alcohol and only really drink light fruity stuff, and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I got to the point I just really didn't want to drink anymore. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I have felt very, very hopeless with photography lately that sometimes I'm tempted. I don't think I will, but... it's hard. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a favorite quote? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No, but I have thought about it. I just really don't have nearly enough popularity among the local photographers to feel like I really need to design one. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? YES. I loved it. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? ... no lmao Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I actually have more than once. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? I think a turkey? Are you good at coming up with jokes? God no. Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? When I used to ride home with Jason from school, we always sat way in the back. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No. I did when I was younger, though. I went through a loooong phase of sleeping with my iPod. If your parents... or anybody else... found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in your inbox/outbox? No. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? That's very rude. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Anti-vaccination bullshit from my stepmother. :^) Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? No. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We never did. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. What food disgusts you the most? Things like sashimi and caviar. I also think rare meat like steak, especially when it's still bloody, is absolutely disgusting. I could go on and on about this, 'cuz I think a lot of food is really gross. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? The jungle. Yikes. So many dangerous creatures, so claustrophobic, and with the canopy, I'd assume it'd be EXTREMELY dark. And it rains so much in the jungle, so it'd be hard to hear danger approaching. One thing that always creeps you out? Perhaps #1 is seeing an unborn baby move from outside their mother's stomach. I will fucking scream and want to puke. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? SARA!!!!!!!!! Omfg I'd LOVE to have her as my roommate. We've actually talked about the possibility, but that's nowhere near set in stone. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? In light of recent events, a high contender is shit like "vaccines cause autism." Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? I'd strongly prefer to be cremated. What is your favorite food around the holidays? Spiral honey ham, for one. I love Christmas treats like chocolate-covered peanuts, fudge, cookies, etc. etc... Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled? I don't pull pranks. If you could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast? Maybe enchanting the human population to not be such violent and hateful fucks??? Have you ever gotten a flu vaccination? Only for Covid. Double dates: a do or don’t? They are SO fun, but I do feel like it's good to have individual ones, too. Do you know any guitarists? Yes. My old friend Tommy actually plays the electric guitar in a band, and Juan was really good at it, too. How do you feel about full-length beards? They look good on some people. It varies with everyone. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? Not currently. My half-sister stopped talking to me many years ago when I was a homophobic fuck, and I don't blame her. We're perfectly cool now! Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? omg no Does/did your high school have pop machines? Yes. Have you ever gambled? Nah. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I am NEVER working retail again. I can't handle it. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. :') Have you ever stringed green beans before? Yes, actually, with Colleen's in-laws. They had a big garden that I helped tend to sometimes. I absolutely hated it with how sweaty I got even then, it was WAY too hot, and my body was also weak back then to where bending down was extremely painful. I just never wanted to say no. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? It really depends on what I feel like doing, but I think playing World of Warcraft tempts me most often when I'm unbearably bored. What did you watch today? I've just been rewatching Mortem3r play Monster Hunter World. That game looks soooo fun, I wanna try it. ;-; True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever? No. I adore dinosaurs and dinosaur media, so I could name a lot if I thought long enough. Who is the last person you spent money on? My niece. I still feel awful I didn't buy Ryder a gift by myself; I just could NOT decide what to get him. I'm very thankful that Mom let me use one she got him as "mine." They were bright, light-up golf balls, and he loooooved them. What is your relationship like with various members of your family? I have a biiig extended family, man, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, like there is no way I'd be alive without her, and her support for me seems endless somehow. I love my dad very much too, but I don't see him nearly as much as I wish I did. He tries to support me however he's capable, and he always lets me know that he's there if I need him for anything. I love, am very proud of, and look up to my two sisters, but I'm also very envious of them and how they are successful adults with direction and big accomplishments. We are very different, so we have difficulty with really bonding and talking about things regularly, and it really makes me feel like a terrible sister. My nieces and nephew are absolute diamonds to me, and I'm especially close to Ash's oldest daughter Aubree. She and I are very similar in a lot of areas, so I really relate to her, even in her young age. Ryder really seems to like me, and I love that little rascal, too. :') My youngest niece Emerson is still only a baby, so she can't really communicate in words yet, but she is still a beautiful darling that I'd protect with my life in not even a blink. That covers who I consider my "immediate" family, really, at least that I see regularly. What’s something you disagree with about the way you were raised? I am very firmly against spanking, but my parents did it. I think since Ash's kids were born though, Mom's opinion changed on it. It was around that time, I know. She won't lay a hand on them. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I have no clue, actually. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? *shrug* The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Never tried. What countries have you been to? I've never left the U.S. Honestly, is that car insured? I don't have my own car. What do you think about gay marriage? I vigorously support it. Do you like Carrie Underwood? I actually do. She has a beautiful voice. How far away do you live from your parents? I live with my mom. Idk how far I am from Dad, really... but not THAT far. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, and I don't want to. It is absolute vandalism. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Chicago blew me away, but I think it's just because it was SO foreign to me. I actually don't like cities very much, but for a brief visit, I thought it was very cool. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No. I took anti-depressants for I think most of my life, and they did nothing for me. Come to learn from the doctor who actually set my meds straight that anti-depressants for people with bipolarity do nothing but aggravate the symptoms of bipolarity, and I was living evidence. I take mood stabilizers for said disorder instead. I don't take sleeping pills; none seem to work for me. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Maybe Skippy? Idk, I'm not very picky with pb. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos one. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. Do you like Bob Marley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't stand his voice. Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Yeah, but I'm not a fan. Buffets gross me out. Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family? We very rarely sit at the table. Have you been working hard to achieve something lately? If not, what was the last thing you worked hard to achieve? Losing weight, yes. I am honestly trying so hard at the gym, like to the point I've almost fallen many times as well as been overtaken by incredible nausea a lot. I don't feel like I'm over-working, necessarily, just working my ass off. Do you use ice cubes in your fountain drinks? No, because it waters the drink down and I hate it. Would you ever want your very own library, or do you not read enough for it to be worth it? No. I don't read nearly enough, and besides, can you imagine all the dust? What site did you originally start doing surveys on? I actually don't know... Have you ever used something other than water to make ice cubes? What did you do with them? I've actually never thought to do that. Would you ever willingly experience life temporarily without sight, hearing, or any of your other senses, simply to know what it is like? Fuck no. I would go insane. In what ways are you very judgmental? I'll judge the fuck out of rapists, child molesters, pedophiles, people like that with no goddamn shame. But your average person, I try not to judge very much. What is your main problem in life right now? It's hard to determine my main problem, honestly. There are a lot of issues going on in my life that've just piled up into one big tangled mess. Do your “favourites” change often? Definitely not. I've had the same favorites in so many topics for forever. Have you ever read a biography on someone? I've read Ozzy's autobiography, and I also read the Some Kind of Monster Metallica book, which was written by I want to say St. Anger's musical director? This was a very long time ago, and honestly, I thought it was pretty boring, so my memory is faint. You learned quite a bit about the band in his time with them, but damn, I don't care about the musical director al;skdfal;we. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Not to my knowledge. I have an acquaintance who's had minor acting roles, but I don't believe she's ever been in a film. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? I want to say around two years ago (probably less) when we got my cat neutered. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No.

#survey #surveys #random questions

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darkmasterkattsvault-arc · 4 years ago

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PSA

mun info:

katt / dmk / master || they / he || 26 || eastern time || more info

google doc (contains rules and muses)

rules || navigation || temp active muse list || muses || birthdays || ships

key info:

under cut for length please read (not all is covered in the doc)

1) triggers / tagging

now, if you read my rules/ooc page, as you should have, you’ll know i have a few that i like tagged for myself. with that said, i tend to tag most every triggering topic in ‘trigger tw’ format cos blacklist picks that up a lot easier. alcohol by itself is often not tagged, same with drug use. alcoholism, addiction, etc is.

never feel bad about coming to me to get me to tag something. i swear i’ve read your rules, but i do sometimes forget or i don’t know where certain lines are. because where your limits are and where mine are, are different. so let me know if you need me to tag something.

with that said, a lot of my muses have triggers in their history that often comes up. transphobia, abuse, addiction, self harm, anxiety, depression, sexual assault, and eating disorders/disordered eating are actually pretty common. if these are something you don’t want brought up but still want to write with a muse, let me know and we’ll avoid all that completely. but i can’t avoid it if you don’t tell me.

i don’t write actively non-consensual things, usually because many of my characters have dealt heavily with situations in their past and because it’s hella uncomfortable for me to write. if i ever do, it will be tagged, probably, ad nauseam. i do tag whenever abuse, rape, etc is mentioned but i don’t tend to go into details. however, i do write a lot of kink and some of it can be seen as more forceful in nature. if y’all need me to tag that, or anything at all, please let me know. if i ever miss a tag on something, feel free to drop me a message, on anon or in IMs, however is best for you. i’ll make sure i go back and tag and make sure to take extra care to tag it in the future. if you need me to tag something in a different way than i am, all you gotta do is message me. i’m a chill human, i promise. i don’t bite.

2) transphobia / misgendering in threads

so, i’m okay with initial. minor, misgendering for nonbinary muses, between characters (and by this i mean like once, twice tops during a first meeiting). someone mistaking a muse like joss or ash for a woman, kieran for a man, etc. or a muse like ziv who isn’t out being referred to as woman until they come out to a character. totally fine.

with that said, i won’t tolerate obvious, repeated offenses. i understand accidents happen, but i would like you to put in that effort to get their pronouns right. certain muses will refer to themselves in gendered ways and that’s then open for use. joss, for example, will refer to themself as a boy so another muse could do that after the fact.

now, a muse like quinton, on the other hand, there is no base for misgendering him, he is a trans man and unless otherwise plotted (in very specific instances) i won’t accept misgendering of him.

i will also write out situations where muses are dealing with transphobia from NPCs, especially quinton, given his source material. for more information about quinton and his transphobia storylines, read here.

3) shipping

high key just tell me. i am usually down for ships to happen. often times i’ll ship something but feel awkward telling you that i ship it despite really liking the dynamic. i’m a shy bean. just know, if you choose to ship with me, i will hit you with feels like a metal chair to the face at likely any moment.

4) ooc chatting

speaking of being a shy bean and hitting people with feels, i fucking love to chat ooc but i also have really bad anxiety and don’t always know how to reach out to people. including people who message me first. i also often have a varying, but generally low, threshold for ooc conversations but especially with people who are not already within my bubble of friends (this bubble is occasionally one person big and they know who they are). it’s literally not y’all. sometimes you’ll message me and i just won’t have the threshold needed for that message and it might sit for a while. always feel free to send me another if it’s been a few days, cos i also might have opened it and forgot. you’re not annoying me, i promise. also, feel free to ask for my disc # if you have that, cos i’m always on there.

5) memes / inbox things

i am the literal worst at replying to shit in my inbox. at this moment there are 40+ things in my inbox. most of those have been there for months. i’m sorry. i’m baymax. i’m slow.

6) reply length / reply time

my reply length and time it takes me to reply is going to vary so drastically. sometimes you’ll get a novel reply in half an hour, or you might get a paragraph after 3 months. it’s not a lack of interest, i promise, but i work with what the muses give me and sometimes a muse is on fire and sometimes the muse is gone. and i promise, if i ever want to drop a thread i will let you know. with that said, don’t feel bad about taking a while to reply or if your reply length doesn’t match what i’ve given you. sometimes i write a lot of filler because my brain thinks it’s needed. it’s usually not, but you get it anyway.

7) starters

feel free to just randomly throw starters at me. or go through my open starter tag (ostart) and reply. it doesn’t matter if a starter is months old or already has replies, feel free to add, i can always make a new thread for tracking purposes (if you do that). if you do, i can’t always promise a quick reply, cos the muse might not always be there, but i will see it and i will love you and i will launch the muse at the earliest convenience.

#ooc: hush now dmk #ooc: pinned post #[just so that's easy to find if i ever pin an announcement]

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artofflorescence · 2 years ago

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Do you daydream a lot before you write, or go for it as soon as the ideas strike? | Do you outline your fics? If yes, how detailed are your outlines? How far do you stray from them? | Do you title your fics before, during, or after the writing process? How do you come up with titles? | What fic has been the hardest for you to write? | What is your most self-indulgent posted story?/What’s your most self-indulgent wip?

Can’t believe my inbox gave up on me. Just saw this even though it’s from JUNE, I am so sorry. I promise guys, I love asks. For some reason, the notifications aren’t showing. I manually checked today, so…

1) I AM A DAYDREAMER. Usually, I let a fic marinate in my head for awhile. I sit on it for weeks before deciding it’s something I want to write. There are exceptions— such as you are more than a mechanical heart and don’t break me when you fall that I thought of, wrote, and posted pretty much in the same day. Those tend to be rare though and really only happen because they are part of an existing series or I got inspired intensely by something else. Sometimes if I come up with a line I really like, I’ll jot that down immediately for later.

2) I don’t outline, ever. I should though…I should try. Sometimes I have notes of moments/lines that I want to make sure make it in, or notes about a character, but I don’t outline.

3) Titles for me come pretty easily because I also moonlight as a melodramatic poet. When they appear varies though. I had the title every line you crossed (every place I could never return from) probably at least a month before I started writing the fic. what i gave to you (what you stole from me) came after I finished the fic. Titles like tell me you love before i let go and should the sun still rise tomorrow came while I was knee deep writing the fic. So it varies, but I would say most often, they come towards the end of the fic before I finish writing. Titles come pretty organically for me, but I tend to make them something that fits the vibes and might reference something in the fic, but is more metaphorical than anything.

4) dust to ash, ash to embers is actually an active battlefield. I’m fighting it every day. Third chapter will happen. Just…it’s gonna need a bit.

5) most self indulgent is probably…should the sun still rise tomorrow. I need me some of that brotherly Mirio & Izuku relationship. And the tragedy. And the obscurial concept. It’s just like…canon happens peripherally but I don’t see it. Here, have this instead.

#writing process #writing #writer #ao3 #artofflorescence #ask

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asphalt-cocktail · 6 years ago

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Hi! Could I please have a marvel ship? I'm a pan female, I'm 5'2, I have tan skin, dark brown eyes and curly semi dark brown and ash blonde hair in a death hawk. I'm a very shy person until I open up then I'm loud and outgoing and I like to make others laugh. I can be very childish and clumsy, I'm a big book nerd writer who loves horror and thriller. I love metal and indie music. I have a bit of a temper, I try to act tough but I'm not and I can be a bit flirty (even though I'm 100% not smooth)

FIRST OF ALL I AM SO SORRY THIS HAS TAKEN ME SO LONG TO GET TO

This has been sitting in my inbox for at least a month but as soon as I got it, school just all took a shit on me and it was TERRIBLE. But I am doing it now and I hope you like it!

Also I used to have a deathhawk too! I LOVE IT

I shipped you with Brunhilde

GOD I just LOVE her.

Brunhilde deep down is a total softie inside for those she cares about. Laying in bed cuddling almost always leads to the two of you play fighting. She loves listening to music with you, and when you make her laugh. Brunhilde also adores the cute little faces you make when you read, you don't think you make them, but she insists you do. She is also a total horror movie junkie. Badly shouting guitar solos together from metal music? An absolute must. The two of you cuddle up and watch movies like Rose Mary’s Baby, It, and Insidious together for hours.

I am trying a new style for shipping I hope it is okay!!

Thank you for requesting dear! I hope you like it

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ialwayscomewhenyoucall · 7 years ago

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Dean and Cas, failing at communication and making up.

This has been sitting in my inbox for ages, I’ll bet you thought I forgot! I didn’t though, I just had this idea and then I kept getting stuck. I finally finished, though. Hope you like it! :)

–isn’t anything we can do about–

–baby in Houston–

–know Ash is sneaking between heavens again, I just can’t figure out how he’s–

–you sure it’s cats this time–

“Cas!”

Cas’s eyes flick up to Dean’s, the closest he gets to looking startled.

Dean’s face is expectant. He must have asked a question, Cas thinks. What was he going on about when I became distracted by Angel Radio? A case. A vampire. He must want my help.

“Of course, Dean,” Cas says.

Dean’s face falls.

“Oh,” he says softly, staring at a point somewhere past Cas’s shoulder. “If you think that’s best. I just thought..” He rakes a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated. “Never mind. I’ll just…I’ve got to…there’s that vampire thing to take care of…”

And he’s gone.

Cas blinks. What was that about?

All day Dean is on edge around him. They dispose of the vampires–there were three, not just one, but they were easy enough to deal with–but Dean barely speaks. Whenever Cas reaches out to touch Dean he finds only air, and that night in the motel room–a room they have to themselves for the first time in ages–Dean kisses his cheek, whispers “goodnight”, and pretends to fall asleep.

Cas watches Dean pretending to sleep. He remembers.

Three months ago…

They were in the bunker, researching a rune they’d never seen before. Cas asked for a book, and when Dean handed it to him their fingers touched. Something went through them, stronger than lightning. Their eyes connected, blue and green, as they so often did, and ever so slowly Dean brought his other hand up to Cas’s face. He ran his thumb along Cas’s jaw, the rasp of stubble loud in the silence. “Is this okay?” he murmured. Cas didn’t trust his voice. He nodded, barely. And then Dean’s lips were on his, tentative at first, and then hungry, starving, and Cas suddenly realized that this right here was what the poets and playwrights went on about. He’d been kissed before. He’d even had sex before, when he’d been temporarily human. But he’d never felt anything like this. This was hands and lips and raw, untamed fire and Dean, oh-so-much Dean, and within moments Cas was drunk with the scent and the taste of him.

“Stop the car, Dean.”

They are only a few miles from the bunker, but Cas can’t take the silence any more. The turn off ahead is as good a place as any for them to talk.

Dean sighs. “We’re almost home, Cas. Can’t this, whatever it is, wait?”

“Dean, you know I can make the car stop without your help. I don’t want to do that, because I know how much affection you have for this car.”

Cas sees Dean’s hands tighten on the Impala’s steering wheel, as if he can somehow protect his precious car from the angel. Then his grip relaxes, and he gives in. “Fine,” he says.

Dean parks the car, turns off the engine, and stares into the darkness. “Dean,” Cas says, “what did I do? I can’t fix it if you don’t talk to me.”

“What did you–what do you mean what did you do?” Dean is so surprised he forgets to avoid looking at Cas, and turns to look right into his eyes. “We were in the bunker. I spent ten minutes telling you I was tired of sneaking around, keeping secrets from Sam, that I’m not ashamed to be in love with you and I want to tell him. I turned to you and said, ‘So, should we tell Sam? Or, I don’t know, who knows how he’s going to react. Maybe we should just keep going the way we are. Maybe we should just keep it–keep us–a secret for a while longer.’ And you said, ‘Of course, Dean’ in that angelly voice of yours. Are you…” Dean’s voice breaks. “..do you not want anyone to know about me?”

Understanding washes over Cas. “Dean. Oh Dean. I am so sorry.” Before the words are spoken he is holding his love close, arms wrapped tight and wings rustling. “I didn’t hear any of that. There was a lot of talk on Angel Radio that morning, and I got…distracted. I thought you were asking me if I would help you hunt the vampire. That was the last thing I remembered hearing. Of course we should tell Sam, I’ve been telling you from the beginning I think he already suspects.”

Cas feels Dean relax in his arms. “Tonight, then,” sighs Dean. “We’ll tell him tonight. And then…you can move into my room.”

Yes, Cas marvels, this is love.

#lirael writes #destiel #destiel drabble #answered ask #bold sartorial statement #wings

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onestowatch · 5 years ago

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For FINNEAS, Everything Has Changed [Q&A]

FINNEAS is an understated musical genius. Although with his sister Billie Eilish’s astronomical rise to fame in the past year, chances are increasingly slim that FINNEAS will be heralded as vastly underrated or a mastermind in the shadows for much longer. After all, in the span of a couple shorts months, FINNEAS performed a duet with his sister on Saturday Night Live, assisted in producing Selena Gomez’s comeback single, and released his acclaimed debut EP, Blood Harmony. Then there’s fact that he’s currently working with Camila Cabello.

Yet, in spite of a whirlwind of a year and a list of co-signs and collaborators that reads like a who’s who in the world of music and beyond, there remains a modest beauty to FINNEAS’ music. Often opting for minimalistic orchestration and sincere songwriting, FINNEAS’ music is best described as arresting. The sonic worlds he whisks into existence, accentuated by subtle, heartfelt production details, play out like chapters of a greater story or snippets to a beautifully scored film.

I had the chance to sit down with FINNEAS ahead of his second of two sold-out shows at Los Angeles’ infamous Hollywood Forever Cemetery to talk writing about heartbreak in spite of being in love, his and Billie’s astronomical rise to fame, and so much more.

OTW: From first releasing “Hollywood Forever” over a year ago to now performing two sold-out nights at the very location you wrote about, there’s an almost beautiful irony to tonight.

FINNEAS: It's awesome. A friend of mine was like, "Does it feel full circle?" And I was like, "No, it feels like work" (laughter). But I don't mean that I don't want to do it. It's just like, I want to work for it. I want to be really good. I think that's how I feel about most shows that I'm ultimately the proudest of. My friend was like, "Did you have fun?," and I was like, “...no. I worked hard and I feel proud of it.”

Playing a show is a little bit like doing performance art. If you went up to an actor after they had a crying scene all day and you ask them, "Are you having fun?" Like, that's not the point. The point is to put the emotion across. So, there are some songs of mine that are very joyful. "Let's Fall in Love for the Night" is a joyful song. "Angel" is pretty full of love. So those songs, I try to feel that thing. But predominantly I make music that's pretty sad. So, a lot of time I'm just putting that across.

OTW: I was actually going to ask this later on but, I think it's no secret to say you're in love.

FINNEAS: Yessir.

OTW: Yet, you write these perfect heartbreak numbers. Is it hard to put yourself in that place now that you're in love?

FINNEAS: Yes and no. I think, to me, I try to draw from the way moments in life made me feel and not necessarily how I've been feeling all day. So, the two newest songs on the EP, "Partners in Crime," which is totally not a love song, and "I Don't Miss You At All," which is also not a love song. And still my reality every day is being super in love, but I think those songs were ones that were interesting for me to write.

It's funny... when I was writing "I Don't Miss You At All," I was excited to play it for Claudia, and I was like this is a weird song. This song is about a past relationship, but not one that I've had, and I'm kind of describing you but we haven't broken up. I was like, “This is a little bit like a fake song where you're playing the role of the girl. Like I talk about the perfume you wear and the color of your eyes and stuff but it's obviously this fictitious thing.” Which I think is a fun way to write songs.

OTW: How'd she react to it?

FINNEAS: She liked it. She acts and she writes content. She's a very creative person, so I think she understands better than most this sort of "historical fiction." Those are the kind of songs I'm trying to write, "historical fiction."

OTW: You've spent most of the last year on tour with your sister, Billie Eilish. How did you find the time to write anything?

FINNEAS: I wrote almost all the songs while I was on tour with her. "Die Alone" was written on tour, "I Don't Miss You at All" was written on tour, "Partners in Crime" was written on tour, "Let's Fall in Love for the Night" was written on tour. All in different countries and different continents, and I recorded most of it also on tour in hotel rooms, bus lounges… it was really stressful.

youtube

OTW: I can imagine.

FINNEAS: But it did make the tour fly by! A lot of the time on tour, even when I'm having a great time, I'm counting down the days because I want to see my girlfriend again, or I want to just come home to LA or whatever. That's always the way I've been all of my life: homesick in heaven. Just excited to go home. In this case with the tour, I had two things: a countdown timer until September 8, which was the day I was coming home. And then I had a countdown timer to September 5, which was when the EP had to be done. And so each day I'd be like, "Ooh a day closer to—OH MY GOD," and I'd be like flipped out and also excited every day. It made each day fly by.

I remember working on the production for "Partners in Crime" in Moscow, working on it all day thinking, "I think this is done," getting on the plane that night to go to St. Petersburg in Russia and being like, "This is not done!" I finished it in St. Petersburg, and I was like, “Okay this is done now.” But it was like the craziest fever dream. Billie jokes that we didn't see each other on that tour and we were literally next to each other, but I was just so engrossed in this EP that I was working on.

We just were on tour in Texas this past week doing ACL and stuff, and Billie and I felt like recording a song. It was great because we spent all of our time together. Like, we literally would hop off stage, go back into the room, I'd pull out my laptop and headphones, and we'd record. It was so fun. I think, going forward, I'm going to record more and more on the road because we're obviously not going to stop touring. And also I think more and more I like just being a human in LA.

OTW: Instead of being an artist in LA?

FINNEAS: Just not being in a room. I think when you're in a studio, you're just indoors. And I like going for hikes, I like going for drives, and I like seeing friends. There's a lot of time on tour where you're sitting around, and I think the fact that I'm able to go, "Alright fuck that" and just work, It makes me feel better.

I used to go on these tours for five weeks, and I'd come home and it was like your inbox when you haven't checked it for a couple of weeks: it was stacks of work that I was like I have to do this all in five days or I'd flip out. And now, I came home from both these past tours with nothing to do. I was like, “I'm done.” I did all of my work on the road, it's awesome. It's like doing your homework in class. Like you start the class, you learn a little lesson and they go "Here's your homework for tonight," and you just do it right then. You get home from school and you're like I'm done; I don't have any homework.

OTW: Blood Harmony, the title of your EP, relates back to the sound of siblings together. So, I was curious, what is your earliest shared musical memory with Billie?

FINNEAS: My mom taught these classes called "Music Together" when we were really young. I was like two or three, and I guess Billie was just basically born (laughter). They were great classes. They were just like singing the same things and clapping your hands and slapping your legs and really rhythmic stuff. I think it's why I have rhythm. It's a little bit like kids who learn violin really young and they have perfect pitch. If you learn rhythm really young, you have it. Your body knows it. And I think if you try to pick it up later in life, you don't have it. It's like language, like how babies can easily learn languages. It felt like Billie and I learned music that way. We learned it before anything else.

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OTW: Your production has this cinematic-quality to it; it’s phenomenal. Have you ever thought about scoring a movie or anything of the sort?

FINNEAS: It's a great dream of mine. Those projects are so longterm and you have to do a lot of notes for a lot of people. The director has notes and the producer has notes, and I don't love notes. So, I'll have to deal with that, but I think it's definitely a thing that I would love to do. It's just about finding the right project. I want to score a movie. I want to write a musical. I want to do anything that's high concept.

OTW: Speaking of finding the time, I'd say both your and Billie’s rise to fame has been nothing short of astronomical. Have you had the time to soak any of it in?

FINNEAS: No, but that's fine I think. It has not really overwhelmed me. There have been moments. When the EP came out, I was on a plane to Austin, Texas and then played a show. That was hectic but it keeps you abreast. But when the album [WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?] came out in March, we were in rehearsal mode and the album coming out—I think because it had been such a long time coming—felt like every birthday I'd ever had rolled into one. Every person I knew was texting me "Congrats!" That was really overwhelming and crazy. I'm very thankful for it, but it was a crazy couple of days.

OTW: Relatable. I love it when people reach out, but I also am terrible at texting back so it stresses me out.

FINNEAS: Wow, definitely. As you're saying that, I'm realizing there are some really sweet texts from last night's shows that are like "Great show dude," and I'm like ehh because I haven't written back.

OTW: Beyond your own amazing work, you also produce for a number of artists. Ashe, JP Saxe and Julia Michaels, and Selena Gomez to name a few. What is it about a track that makes you want to produce it?

FINNEAS: Well the three examples you've just given, Ashe, JP Saxe, and the Selena Gomez song—great songs. I didn't write them, so I was able to judge them as a listener and just go like, "These are great songs." And then the other category is like, you know I wrote a song with Camila Cabello for her new record, produced that, and that was fun. I was just involved in every step of the way so that was just an exciting process.

But yeah, JP, Ashe, Selena, are just great songs and that's really the only criteria I have. There's sort of two-steps: I get sent a song and the question is, "Do you want to work on this?" and then I listen to it and then I think to myself, “Do I love this? If yes, am I going to do a good job?” And sometimes I'm not and I'm like, “I'm going to do a bad job.”

For Ashe, JP, and Selena, I knew what to do. So I'm proud of those, but there have definitely been times where I get sent a song and I like it, but I turn it down because I know I'm not the right guy. And I want to be the guy that can do everything, but I also think it's really important not to do something badly. I don't want to be like, “Hey I made this hip-hop song that sucks because I'm trying to do everything.” I'd like to do everything well, so I'll work on something until I feel proud of it, and then I'll do it.

OTW: From playing your first headlining and sold-out show at the Troubadour at the top of the year, what do you think has been the biggest change in your life since then?

FINNEAS: Since the Troubadour, everything's changed. Pretty much everything. I guess the only thing that's stayed the same is that I already had moved out. But, every facet of my life has changed. I think the reason I hold on to them so tightly is that the only things that have stayed the same are my relationships. My relationship with my girlfriend is the same; it's wonderful and brings me lots of joy. My relationship with my family is the same; it brings me a lot of joy. Everything else is pretty different.

OTW: Who are your Ones to Watch?

FINNEAS: Oh! I'm really excited about REI AMI (proceeds to take out his iPhone and play “MAKE IT MINE” in its entirety).

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#finneas #interview #singer songwriter #pop #blood harmony #billie eilish

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thysurveys · 7 years ago

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726.

Before February 3, 2013 / After August 21, 2017

When did you meet the last female you texted? 20072008 in Science class if I remember correctly. / She gave birth to me, so.

Are you currently looking forward to anything? 50 days. / I am trying to.

Would you be surprised if your most recent ex called you tonight? Very. / Yeah.

Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? Mhmm. / Yeah.

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? I do. / Yes.

Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? I don’t really know. Personally, I’d say “too much”, or sometimes just not enough. / Too much.

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I still liked my ex, awks. / Kevin.

Who was the last person you went out to eat with? That would have to be Indy, Carolyn, Lauren, Stevan and Petra. / Kevin, I would say.

Your phone is ringing. It’s an ex. What do you say? “…Hi?” I wouldn’t know what to say. / I don’t know what I would say right now. Not a lot.

Where is the person who has your heart at the moment? Cliché, wow. He’s at a friend’s. / He’s sleeping beside me.

Were you single on your last birthday? I sure was. / No.

Are you anyone’s first love? Apparently my exes. / I believe I am.

What are the first and last names of the people in your inbox? TMI. / I can’t be bothered.

Did anything brighten up your day today? I don’t really know actually. I’ve been in a content mood most of today so far. :) / Nothing in particular yet.

What is one thing that is currently bothering you? I am beginning to get bored. / Every single thing.

Do you want to cut your hair? I don’t want to, but I know I have to. It’s getting too long. :( / I was going to, but I couldn’t be bothered. But yes. I do.

Do you have any scars? Yeah. / Still yes.

Will you be in a relationship next month? I sure hope so. / Very likely.

Do you remember who you liked three months ago? My current boyfriend. / Still my current boyfriend.

Has someone upset you in the past 48 hours? Yeah. / Not “someone”.

Who is the last person to irritate you? Hahah, oh you know, people. / Myself, probably.

What is the last thing you did before bed last night? Text. / I either spoke to Kevin or watched Netflix.

Is there someone who likes you? I would like to say so considering he’s my boyfriend. / Yeah.

What makes you happy? I don’t really know. There’s a few things. / Just being there for Kevin at the moment. And my boy Archie.

Is your Facebook profile private? Mhmm. / Yes. As private as it can be.

Do you trust people easily? Not even. / No.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend? Yeah. / Yes.

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met? Yeah. / Yes.

How many true friends do you have? Not many. In fact, next to 0. / I know Kevin is my true friend, and Indy, of course. I don’t speak to a lot of people these days.

Is it cute when guys kiss you on your forehead? Sure. / Yes.

First thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Either turn off my alarm, or check my phone. / Most days I turn off my alarm.

Who was the last person that left you a comment? Stevan? / I don’t know.

What’s something you really want right now? I don’t really know. I wouldn’t mind going out. / There’s a lot.

Where do you go when you need to just get away? I sometimes go on a walk, otherwise my room. But that makes me even more depressed. / I don’t really have anywhere to go right now. I usually go to my parents if I need space, but that doesn’t always work. It can make it worse.

Who was the last person to make fun of you? Pft, who knows. / I don’t know, nor do I care.

Have you ever worn the opposite sex’s clothing? Yeah. / Always.

What is something weird you have done lately? I do a lot of weird shit. / I don’t know.

Do you ever wonder if the person standing next to you is a virgin or not? Funnily enough, yes. / I don’t remember the last time I thought that. 2013 was likely the last time? Lol.

Who do you go to for advice the most? Kev, mostly. / Still Kevin. I don’t ask for advice a lot. I am usually good at that myself.

Can money buy happiness? It buys happiness to an extent. But it’s not everything. / Yeah, I mean. It can help. But I rather have friends and family over money.

Do you think women should work or stay at home? Gosh, I’m offended. Work, of course. We’re not home-bound. :\ / I don’t even want to process this question.

What’s the worst thing to happen to you today? Beginning to be bored. / My real estate agent called me to tell me they need to do an inspection (because we’re moving) and I really don’t have any time to be at that house anymore. I’m frustrated. I wish the worst thing to happen to me today was “beginning to be bored”.

Is there a certain person that makes you feel safe? Sure. / Yes, 100%.

Did you kiss or hug anyone today? No. / Nope.

Do you believe that if you want something bad enough, you’ll get it? Maybe. / Not always, no.

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now? Probably not. / Unlikely.

Last person you kissed name begins with a T, M, L, E? No. / Nope.

Do you like to hula hoop? Not really.. / It’s fun, but I’m not great.

What’s something that can always make you feel better? I don’t really know. Music? / Yeah, definitely music. A movie. Kevin, Archie, a clean house. (lol)

Would you date an 18 year old at the age you are now? I currently am. / Nope.

When’s the last time you were aggravated and happy at the same time? Hm, often. / I don’t know. Recently, I’d say.

Would you ever smile at a stranger? Yeah, always. You never know who’s life may need saving. / < I still say that.

Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? Um no. / No, I haven’t listened to any music today bc Kevin’s asleep.

What exactly are you wearing now? Denim pull over, with leggins. / Leggings (always), a plain T that says “Be The Boss” and a cardigan.

How often do you listen to music? Daily. / Every second day. Not as often anymore. I don’t have the time or energy.

Do you wear jeans or sweats more? I do not like jeans, nor do I wear sweats. / I don’t wear either still. But definitely jeans more than sweats.

Are you a social or antisocial person? Mixture. / I’m not antisocial. I’m shy.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with an A? Yeah.

What about a T? Mhmm.

Can you drive a stick shift? I have before, but don’t think I could now. / Legally, I am allowed to, yes. But, I can’t.

Do you care if people talk badly about you? I know for sure they do! / Not right now.

Are you going out of town soon? Probably not any time soon, no. / I don’t believe I am, no.

When was the last time you cried? A couple of days ago, quite possibly. / 2 days ago, I think. And nearly last night.

Have you ever told someone you loved them? Mhmm. / Yes.

If you could change your eye colour would you? I kind of like my eye colour. / Maybe.

Name something you dislike about the day you’re having? I’m sure I’ve answered this? / The fact I have I know I have a lot to do before I go back to work. Even the thought of going back to work right now is annoying me. And just everything. I have to go pick up Darcy’s (my doggy) ashes. :(

Are you dating the last person you talked to? Yeah. / No.

What are you sitting on right now? My bed. / A trundle lol. Bc Kevin’s asleep in the bed behind me.

Does anyone regularly - other than family - tell you they love you? My boyfriend. / Yeah.

Have you ever wanted someone you can’t have? Probably. / Maybe, yes.

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? Kev.

Do you get a lot of colds? Not really, no. / Not lately, though I did suffer a lot since last October. So I’d say yes. More than often I have.

Where is the shirt you are wearing from? Cotton On. / Kmart.

Does anyone hate you? Whatevs. Love me or hate me, it’s still an obsession. ;) / Maybe?

Do you have any empty alcohol bottles hidden somewhere in your room? They’re not hidden. / No.

Do you like watching scary movies? Not particularly. / Sometimes.

Do you want your tongue pierced? Not really, no.

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be? In ways, I would want last year to be deleted from my life. But at the same time I went through a motherfuckin’ psychotic stage, I met someone who means a hell of a lot to me. So, I really don’t know. :\ / I want to say this year, for sure. It has been the worse year of my life thus far but it has taught me a lot too. It has turned me into a better person because of it. So in some ways, I want to keep this year, too. But I don’t know. Yeah, I’d say this year maybe.

Did you have a dream last night? I don’t know. / Every one does, even if you don’t remember it.

When was the last time you told someone you loved em? Last night/early morning. / Last night.

Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years? Probably not in five, give a year or two more. / Maybe?

Do you think someone has feelings for you? I hope so. / Yes.

Did you have a good day yesterday? It went too quick to even recall what I done. / I saw Breanna, so yeah. It was good.

Think back five months ago, were you in a relationship? Yeah. / Yes.

In the next 48 hours, will you hang out with a girl? Unlikely. / Kevin’s mum, yes. But she isn’t a “girl”.

Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you? Yeah. / Yes.

What’s the best part about school? I don’t know. I don’t go to school anymore.

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah.

Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I did.

Do you replay things that have happened in your head? You know what, that’s probably why I am fucked up. >< / Yeah.

Is your life anything like it was 2 years ago? Hell no. / Nope. My life has changed dramatically within the last month or two.

What are you supposed to be doing right now? I should clean my room. Should. But no. / Nothing, really. Not until Kevin wakes up.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? Hahah, no. / Nope.

Are you nice to everyone? Too nice. / Yes.

Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to? Mhmm. / Yes.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months and not cheat? Quite possibly. I have currently. :) / Yes.

#surveys #survey #question #questions #quiz #personal #bored #misc

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ecoorganic · 4 years ago

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What’s Love Got to Do With It?

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Alice Driver | Longreads | August 2020 | 9 minutes (2,482 words)

“We need to see the name of the person. We need to know who you want to attract,” the vendor told me as he held up a handful of dried hummingbirds, their four bodies dangling from his fingertips by red pieces of string, feathers worn but shimmering emerald in patches as if clinging to life via sheer radiance. He wanted to know the name of a man, but I was thinking of a painting.

Frida Kahlo wears a dead hummingbird around her neck. She painted Self-Portrait with Thorn Necklace and Hummingbird in 1940 just after she divorced Diego Rivera and ended an affair with photographer Nickolas Muray. The dead hummingbird is considered a love charm in Mexico, and it is one that would endure and eventually be exported to other countries.

“There is such a lack of love that everyone wants them, young and old,” the vendor told me, agreeing to let me record his answers only if I didn’t share his name, before recounting the steps I needed to take for the hummingbird charm to work:

Write the name of the person you want to love you on a piece of paper.

Put it in a red cloth bag with the hummingbird.

Bathe the hummingbird in the perfume or scent of the person you want to love you on the first day of each month.

Repeat with a new hummingbird for each person you want to fall in love with you.

It had not crossed my mind that anyone would buy more than one hummingbird. But, as a vendor named Sansón explained, “Men want many lovers.” Both Diego and Frida had many lovers, I thought.

The vendors, excited by my line of questioning, seem to think I will be interested in the idea of trapping many lovers with many hummingbirds. That, in fact, is my idea of hell. It reminds me of past boyfriends, who, upon realizing the scope and frequency of my work travel, voiced fears that I had a boyfriend in every city I worked in. It is all I can do to make one person happy and understand them down to the story of every scar. Even then, it will never be the focus of all my energy.

As the vendor told me this, I was standing in a narrow passageway in the Mercado Sonoroa in Mexico City. There, you can acquire all kinds of animals — legal (cages full of chicks dyed pink, purple, yellow, and green) and illegal (puma cubs). It is one of the more dangerous places I’ve worked as a reporter, because in the areas where black market animals are being bought and sold, taking out a camera or a recorder is going to attract unwanted attention. The last time I worked on a project around the market, I was told that a photographer wandering around without permission got beat up.

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Anyone working in Mexico knows that permission comes in many forms, from the jefe of the plaza or the market or the street corner, usually a man who is hard to find, one who has many helpers lounging around and saying things like, “The jefe doesn’t have a schedule, but I’ll tell him you stopped by.” The only way to really get in and do interviews is to go with someone local, so I contacted my friend Luisa who lives in the La Merced neighborhood near the market, and she contacted a vendor at the market who would accompany us and who knew one of the hummingbird sellers and got permission for us to interview him. I went to the market to do interviews for CBC, Canada’s national public radio station, for a piece they were producing about a National Geographic article on the illegal hummingbird charm trade.

To get to the black market hummingbird charms, I passed through the section of the market dedicated to Our Lady of Holy Death, a skeletal saint fondly known as “the skinny one” (“La Flaquita”). The hummingbird charm vendors were lined up together in tiny stalls so stuffed with items that they hardly had space to move, each with different offerings: hummingbirds on a string for 40 pesos ($2), hummingbirds on a stick for 80 pesos ($4), hummingbirds bathed in honey and perfume for 290 pesos ($14), and mounted and pristinely preserved hummingbirds for 600 pesos ($30). All the vendors were men. Some refused to speak to me or let me take photos, aware of the risk that we both ran in documenting the hummingbird charm trade given that some of the hummingbirds were at risk of extinction. It was hard for me to accept that whether some species of hummingbird would live or die out was dependent on the need for love and the belief that it could be charmed.

As I stuck my head into the first vendor’s stall, I was confronted with a glass jar full of hummingbirds mounted on wire sticks, their wings frozen as if they were flying. Their feathers were the color of ash and only tinged green near where the heart used to beat 1,260 times per minute. Many were missing their needle-like beaks, which fall off when the hummingbirds dry out.

Their feathers were the color of ash and only tinged green near where the heart used to beat 1,260 times per minute.

The vendor, perhaps sensing that I would not tell him the name of someone who I wanted to love me, explained that a hummingbird can also bring peace to a family. I understand that he believed that I, a woman, surely had a family. He explained that if, for example, a mother wanted her family to get along, she could buy a hummingbird and take the following steps:

Sit the hummingbird on top of a red apple.

Place the apple on a plate with honey on a table when all the family is present.

The mother must rub the hummingbird in the scent of each member of the family before placing it back on the apple.

In this manner, he told me, a family could achieve peace. I didn’t tell him that I lacked a family, that at 38 — an age that everyone told me was already almost too late — I didn’t even know if I wanted one.

Women can want children — that is an acceptable ambition. But female ambition has certain parameters, and ambition that doesn’t include or prioritize ideas of taking care of others and mothering leaves us vulnerable to attack, to an evaluation of our selfishness.

“I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best,” Kahlo once said of her body of work, which includes 80 self-portraits out of 153 paintings. In my three years living in an apartment a few blocks from Frida Kahlo’s Blue House in Mexico City, I can’t tell you how many people have told me they are uninterested in Kahlo’s art because they find her self-portraits to be selfish, boring. A woman who is interested in herself, in her interior life, is still dangerous, a threat to our ideas about who and what is valuable and why. Kahlo may be popular, but people like to make the point that she is not liked, not truly respected. When Guy Trebay wrote about Kahlo’s work for the New York Times in 2015 in an article titled “Frida Kahlo Is Having a Moment,” he opened with this line: “She was a genius before she was a refrigerator magnet, an ace manipulator of society and media nearly a century before social media came into existence.” He admits her genius but immediately ties it to manipulation. Would a male artist ever be described in the same terms? I think we can all agree that Kahlo is having more than a moment.

Looking at handfuls of dried hummingbird charms — some of them species facing extinction — and hearing the men make their sales pitches to me, I thought of something my friend Susanna in Mexico City had said: Vivimos maternando a un montón de gente. (“We live our lives mothering everyone.”) She was neither a wife nor a mother but she and I both knew what was expected of us as women — that our instincts would be to care for others and to seek out love, often at the expense of our interior lives.

The last time I visited Kahlo’s Blue House, which is now a museum, the traveling collection of her clothes and personal items was there. Those items, in part due to a request by Diego Rivera, had remained locked away until 2004, and although I had visited the museum many times, I had never seen the collection. Looking at the steel body braces on display and her handmade embroidered boots, one with a heel much higher than the other to compensate for her shorter leg, reminded me of the extent to which she was trapped in her body. Kahlo had survived polio as a child and later, after a bus accident, broken bones, fractures, a crushed foot, and a pierced abdomen and uterus. Kahlo, so often betrayed by her physical self and defined by her infertility, found solace in her mind, in exploring iterations of her intellectual self. She used painting, fashion, and photography to control her own image, which apparently, to some, made her an “ace manipulator” rather than a woman trying to stretch the boundaries of patriarchal visions of womanhood.

Looking at the steel body braces on display and her handmade embroidered boots, one with a heel much higher than the other to compensate for her shorter leg, reminded me of the extent to which she was trapped in her body.

I didn’t tell the vendor what kind of a woman I was, that I didn’t have a dog or a cat, that the only plants I cared for were cactus, and I had killed some of them. I remembered a quote by Anthony Bourdain from a profile by Patrick Radden Keefe in The New Yorker, one that I had written in my notebook and that had stuck with me both because it reminded me of myself and seemed impossible that a woman could get away with saying something like that: “I’m not there. I’m not going to remember your birthday. I’m not going to be there for the important moments in your life. We are not going to reliably hang out, no matter how I feel about you. For fifteen years, more or less, I’ve been travelling two hundred days a year. I make very good friends a week at a time.” Bourdain was beloved for his obsession with work (which made his personal life messy and complicated) in a way that I don’t think a woman can yet achieve because for us, obsession gets defined as selfishness. In the profile, Keefe went on to describe Bourdain, writing, “Long before he was the kind of international celebrity who gets chased by fans through the airport in Singapore, Bourdain knew how to arrange his grasshopper limbs into a good pose, and from the beginning he had a talent for badassery.” Kahlo also knew how to arrange her broken limbs, and yet so far nobody has described that feat as badassery.

I was in a relationship for a decade, six of those years married, and when my husband left, he said, “You only care about your own projects.” And he was right about that — I do care deeply, obsessively about my own projects, about the curiosity that brings them to life, their creation, planning, and execution. For a year or two after the break-up of our marriage, I debated my worth and what kind of a woman I was, wondering if I should — or could — change. But for better or worse, at my core — the cells and ideas and emotions that give my life meaning — are related to my creative projects which make me feel like a fully engaged participant in the world.

In a letter to her mother, who she addressed as Mamacita Linda, Kahlo wrote, “Painting completed my life. I lost three children and a series of other things that would have fulfilled my horrible life. My painting took the place of all this. I think work is the best.” The constant in Frida’s life and her sense of purpose was rooted in her painting. Love in the form of men and women came and went. All the while, Kahlo continued reinventing herself through painting.

***

I wanted to know where the hummingbirds came from. “They usually bring them from Guerrero, but they are from various parts of the republic,” the vendor said, describing how in the old days, kids would kill them with slingshots for pocket money; kill a hummingbird, buy a coke. I imagined that the international black market hummingbird trade had produced more effective ways of killing hummingbirds, but he didn’t elaborate. He did, however, mention that the week prior a vendor sold a baby panda at the market. I found it hard to believe but tucked that information away for later, for another reporting project.

I asked for specifics about the hummingbirds, but he spoke in generalities: “The hummingbird in essence is for love. No matter the size or color: there are some that have a little green breast and there are others that have a little blue one, but it is all the same.” I didn’t like his saccharine, trite or generalized descriptions of love or the way such language was used to sell things. I didn’t like talking about love or talking about seeking it, because seeking love — which is so often tied up with seeking approval — has always been defined as women’s work.

Researchers don’t know the size of the black market hummingbird charm market. Nobody can measure the lack of love in the world and the things that it drives us to do. We are a bundle of wants and needs and insecurities, and in the search for meaning, if the illegal wildlife trade is any marker, we will consume anything to live longer, to be more virile, to attract what we have been told is love.

As I left, a vendor sat in a stall, a cardboard shoebox full of hummingbirds on his lap, one hummingbird mounted on a wire in each hand. These hummingbirds were larger than the rest, their feathers maintained spots of iridescent glory. I imagined Frida, decades ago, in the same market, looking for the hummingbird that she would paint at a time when her painting and her affairs with women and her broken body were not accepted, at a time when she wrote Diego a letter she never sent that said, “I don’t give a shit what the world thinks. I was born a bitch, I was born a painter, I was born fucked.” I understood her rage and feelings of rebellion, for although the world has made space for more diverse women, we are still expected to fill the role of the one who wants to be loved, who wants to be a mother when perhaps we only ever wanted to paint, wanted to write, wanted to explore the world alone, on our own terms.

***

Alice Driver is a freelance journalist and the author of More or Less Dead. She writes and produces radio for National Geographic, Time, CNN, Reveal from the Center for Investigative Reporting, Las Raras Podcast and Oxford American.

***

Fact checker: Julie Schwietert Collazo

Editor: Krista Stevens

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ecoorganic · 4 years ago

Text

What’s Love Got to Do With It?

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Alice Driver | Longreads | August 2020 | 9 minutes (2,482 words)

Write the name of the person you want to love you on a piece of paper.

Put it in a red cloth bag with the hummingbird.

Bathe the hummingbird in the perfume or scent of the person you want to love you on the first day of each month.

Repeat with a new hummingbird for each person you want to fall in love with you.

It had not crossed my mind that anyone would buy more than one hummingbird. But, as a vendor named Sansón explained, “Men want many lovers.” Both Diego and Frida had many lovers, I thought.

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Their feathers were the color of ash and only tinged green near where the heart used to beat 1,260 times per minute.

Sit the hummingbird on top of a red apple.

Place the apple on a plate with honey on a table when all the family is present.

The mother must rub the hummingbird in the scent of each member of the family before placing it back on the apple.

***

Fact checker: Julie Schwietert Collazo

Editor: Krista Stevens

https://ift.tt/3iGQ3V9 from Blogger https://ift.tt/3ah0BHb

#Blogger

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