#this game makes me physically ill and killed my grandma

[black-star-kunzite]

TOTK had a whole ancient reanimated corpse of a dead ruler and a clan who was all about that jerky god and did jack shit with it.

At least give me a horror aspect with his corpse jumpin me if I stay in the darkness of the depths too long somethin or dragging me somewhere (and soft locking me lmao) Them Hands were great and stressful but I really hoped they’d lean more into the unsettling aspect of a deadman walking instead of putting him in a fucking crockpot for the entirety of the game

Have him stalk the halls of Hyrule castle like a restless spectre instead of that weak ass fake Zelda shit like I’m fine with him puppeteering Zelda’s visage but shit got old quick. I wanna see that dead old bastard. Have the yiga be affected by gloom in a drastically different way than others (how? I don’t know but if there’s a clan that basically worships Ganon like he’s god then of course they’d pull some fuck shit with his goop to varying degrees of success or just peep the horror)

I also kinda wish we had a segment where we try to escape the depths at the beginning (at the same time the game not revealing it in its entirety by keeping it isolated to like a mini labyrinthian cave where we run from malice hands or tendrils or whatever Old Man™️ be shittin out or running from Ganondorf himself until we reach a point where we’re saved by that gay old goat man idk

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #330

“and i don't want ya  /  and i don't need ya  /  don't bother to resist, or i'll beat ya  /  it's not your fault that you're always wrong  /  the weak ones are there to justify the strong”

If you have a job, do you like it? I'm unemployed. Do you like any kinds of fruit? Well of course. Are you waiting for something right now? Covid and this headache to fuck off, May for my tattoo, to be paid to take some pictures again... What is your favorite kind of animal? Kind, not the actual animal itself? In that case, social species, usually mammals. What kind of Dippin' Dots do you like? Holy shit, I haven't had that in like a damn decade or something. I don't know, I barely remember the taste. Who is the most badass woman that you can think of? My mom. My mother is a fucking warrior. Do you have a Pinterest account? Yeah. I get a lot of photography ideas from there, as well as base pictures to make Mark icons, haha. If you were to write a book, what would it be about? The stories I and my friends have weaved in RP. Have you ever seen the television show The Munsters? AHHHHH YES!!!!! Mom loves that show, so I used to watch it with her growing up. Have you ever written one of those 'Roses are red...' valentines? I don't think so. Would you/have you spent more than $200 on any one person for a holiday? I haven't, but I would for certain people. Do you have a favorite Robin Williams movie? Probably Night at the Museum. Thoughts on Slender Man? Have you even heard of him? I think it's a cool creepypasta; he does look pretty unnerving with his height and especially lack of a face. The movie was good too, btw. Do you know what the Tardis is? I think almost everyone does in this generation, haha. Doctor Who ain't no joke to a whole lot of people. Are there any children's shows that you'd watch today if they were on? Sure, like Pokemon or Avatar: The Last Airbender, among others. I wouldn't at all be opposed to watching The Lion Guard, either. I actually want to, with my whole TLK love. I'm not embarrassed to watch "kids" shows or movies at all. What would you call yourself the King or Queen of? Having not an ounce of knowledge on how to love things in moderation/avoid total obsession with things, haha. If I paid for you to take karate lessons, would you? No, especially not now with my legs. Do you read more fiction or non-fiction? Almost solely fiction. What modern technology are you especially grateful for? Laptops, ig. Do you have a favorite science topic? Genetics. Very fascinating stuff. Have you ever read any Sherlock Holmes stories? No. What is the saddest movie that you've ever seen? Either Johnny Got His Gun or Boy in the Striped Pajamas. What's your most popular post? On what? If Facebook, I don't really know. Possibly my "coming out" one or a lovey-dovey essay when Sara and I were together. On Tumblr, it's definitely the gif I made of Mark and Chica (his dog) with I think over 10k notes. Manga or anime? Anime. I don't read manga, though I've been tempted with Deadman Wonderland since the show only had one season and ends on a ginormous cliffhanger, but there's more story to be had. A card game that you're good at? None, really. A popular book you haven't read yet? To Kill a Mockingbird. I feel like every school student has read it at some point. Favorite Mean Girls quote? I don't know any. It's a fine movie, but I've never understood the hype. Name your top 3 albums from your favorite band/artist. Black Rain, Ozzmosis, and... then I can't choose. I love so, so many very dearly. Name your top 5 music videos. I don't really watch music videos, so I definitely can't name five. My #1 favorite is probably "Wrong Side of Heaven" by Five Finger Death Punch; I absolutely cannot watch it without crying. What are you most passionate about? How did this passion develop? Animals. I was born simply adoring animals and have always wanted to protect them and their environment. Do you like monkeys? Do you believe in evolution? Yes and yes. We've literally watched it in action. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Discussing RP if you're not involved in it. I'm terrified of people thinking I'm weird. Have you considered running for president? Absolutely not. Which famous person would you like to be BFFs with? I'd say Mark, but I'd be way too interested in dating him instead of being just friends, haha... So with that said, maybe Bindi Irwin? Would you ever go skinny dipping with the last person who commented you? Lyndsey would be that person, so no. She's a great friend of mine, but realistically I'd probably only ever - if ever - do that with the company of my s/o. Are you still friends with the last person who broke your trust? No. How long did your last relationship last? Around two years. Have you ever been banned from anywhere? Online, yes, as a little kid on the Animal Planet forum, haha... Has anyone kissed you when you weren't expecting it? Yeah, Juan. Did you like it? It was a sweet moment, but I didn't want it. Does your dad smoke? Like a chimney. Is your mom over 50? Yeah. Are you currently listening to anything? Yeah, kinda hooked on "The Horrible People" by Manson. I've found a lot of great music lately. Would you ever consider getting breast implants? No, but once (if...) I lose all the weight I want, it's going to be a moderate priority to get a breast lift. I've hated my body way too fucking long and am dying to be satisfied with it again, and with how much weight I need to lose, I would essentially have grandma tits. :x Do you know anyone who is bisexual? Me, haha. Among some friends. Who would you tell, or who did you tell when you lost your virginity? That's not something I'd just go to tell someone afterwards for no reason... I'd only ever mention having lost my virginity if I was actually asked or if it was relevant to a conversation. Is there something you have been trying to learn lately? I'm really trying to practice opposite action and behavioral activation, among other things I've learned in group therapy. When you think about your future career, do you envision yourself becoming the head honcho or CEO? If not, why not? Well, I want to be my own boss as a freelance photographer. In any other job, I definitely wouldn't want that. Too much responsibility and leadership skills. Can you think of a time when you seriously misjudged a music artist based on their name? I don't think so? Have you ever kissed someone that you didn’t really want to kiss (not assault, just indifference)? Why did you go along with it and how did you feel after? Yes, Tyler. I felt like I was "supposed to." I felt really uncomfortable afterwards. If you have to wake up early for something, what time is just TOO early for you to be there and be presentable and sentient? Have you ever had to be somewhere that early? Probably like, 5:00. No. Have the majority of your romantic relationships started with a physical attraction or a deeper connection? Always an emotional connection. Did you ever write a fan letter to a celebrity? How about submit something to a magazine? No to both. What hair color is the most attractive on the opposite sex? Of natural colors, black, but I like unnaturally dyed hair most. Where do you like to go to when you are stressed? On a carride, so long as I'm controlling the music nice and loud and not talking. Where do you go to get your hair cut/dyed? To a family friend's little salon/small business. Why do you want the career that you want? Because I adore art and think it's pretty darn magical that you can freeze a moment forever to not just remember in your head, but actually see. Have you ever watched iCarly? Yeah, I enjoyed it when I was younger. What was your favorite class during your sophomore year of high school? Art. Do you wear bandanas in your hair? No. Have you ever been on a blind date? No, not interested. How many living grandparents do you still have? None. Have you ever worked in an office? No. Who does the grocery shopping in your house? Mom. Have you ever stayed in a hotel without your parents or older relatives? No. Did you have an Easy-Bake oven when you were little? Sure did. Have you ever seen a donkey? Yeah. Have you ever made out in a hot tub? Pretty sure no. Do you always flush the toilet after you use it? Yes. What were the last words you said to your dad? Probably "bye, love you." Have you cuddled with someone you weren’t dating? Nah. Who has the ability to hurt you the most emotionally? JASON. Are you a really understanding person? Yeah, very. Are you the type of person that enjoys getting hugs? Yes. When’s the last time you wore a wig? For a witch costume many years ago. Why were you last hospitalized? Suicide attempt. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without food? At least 12 hours, but I think I almost went a day once back when recovery started and my appetite was non-existent. What was the last name of your third grade teacher? Mrs. Britt. How was the last chicken you ate cooked? They were chicken tenders. What is your favorite kind of chip? Hot crunchy Cheetos. What grade did you have your first boyfriend? 7th. Have you ever been told that you’ve lost weight? Yeah, back when I actually WAS losing loads of weight. >> Do you have the same political views as your parents? Some things, but definitely not all. Does anyone call you babe/baby? No. Have you ever made a significant other cry? Sadly. If you could make your lips bigger, would you? Maybe just a teeeeny bit. Are you one to sneak food into movie theaters? Yep. Fuck them prices. Are you prone to illness? Definitely not. What races do you usually date? History says Caucasian, but I have no actual preference. I'll date any race. What’s your cup size? C. Ever flirted with a teacher? Yikes, no thanks. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My older sister made the most stuff. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? Well, considering it literally traumatized me... Do you have any ex’s you can’t stand anymore? No. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer, definitely. When was the last time you made a sandwich? What did you put on it? Yesterday for lunch. Ham, American cheese, and mustard. Have you ever made friends with someone that you didn’t expect to get along with? Yeah. Do you own any accessories with your name on? No. What brand of eyeliner do you use? I pay no attention to this. Have you ever been sexually harassed? No. Have you ever sent a naughty text message? Suggestive ones, yes. How long have you had your pets? Roman, around two years. Venus, around three or four years. Who was the last person to tell you that they love you, other than family? Sara. Has one of your friends ever tried to hook you up with someone? Colleen tried obnoxiously hard to push Girt and me together. We all went out to eat pizza once just as friends hanging out, and this bitch prefaced an uncomfortable and nosy question to him with an even more uncomfortable "because I'm trying to get you in her pants...", and that, my friends, was the closest occasion I've ever come to slapping someone right across the face. I looked at her in absolute disgust, and Girt was clearly thinking "what the actual fuck" as well. I do not miss her feral mouth. Are you good at staring contests? No. Eye contact is very difficult for me to maintain. Do you like peanut butter? I love peanut butter. When was the last time you had to present something to your class? In this mandatory but entirely pointless entry class at my last college, we all had to do like this PowerPoint introducing ourselves. I hated it. Who was the last person that told you they missed you? I think my friend Chelsea. What store is your favorite shirt from? It's not a real store, but rather an online brand: Cloak. Mark is one of the owners/creators so I obviously support them intensely. Have you ever fell off your bed while you were sleeping? No, thankfully. Do you have something you’re supposed to tell someone, but you haven’t yet? No. What type of food do you never really eat? Vegetables, oops. Have you ever cut someone else’s hair? No. Do you like going to weddings? Not really, if I'm being honest. I'm only interested in photographing weddings for the only the couple pictures and pay, really. I'm not big on formal events. What’s your favorite flavor squash? I don’t like squash. Do you or anyone in your house have a severe allergy? No. Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for? Our landlord/family friend, just to hang out for a little bit and chat with Mom. What fad were you actually into? Hm. What was the last spontaneous thing you did? I'm not a very spontaneous person, so I really don't know.

[clockworkwhiskey]

instead of ppl asking me to do this i’m just gonna do it for the sake of being bored

Color Asks

red: describe your favorite shirt

i don’t have one but if i do, it’s prob one that makes my titties look big

orange: if you could, would you change your eye color? why? to what color, if so?

yes, to blue because that would be kinda sexy on a poc

yellow: name of an artist you think is underappreciated

billie eilish. she’s very much appreciated but i still think she deserves more. also, arlo parks is a legitimate one

green: do you have a favourite flower?

vaginas maybe i don’t really like flowers like that

blue: preferred type of weather?

idk if this is weather but las vegas at night bc its dark n still warm bitch i THRIVE

purple: a poem you think describes your closest friend

to this day by shane koyczan could make me think of everyone i’ve ever met in my whole life so theres that

magenta: do you keep your fingernails long or short?

short unless i get them did okiiiiiir

turquoise: favorite sea animal?

seals, sea otters, or sea lions omg them thangs can cuddle me at night any night i love them

fuchsia: favorite land animal?

maybe hamsters but also dogs n cats idk i love all animals that aren’t bugs or reptiles

cyan: are you religious? spiritual?

religiously and spiritually that bitch

sea green: can you fold a fitted sheet?

yes

violet: are you a part of the lgbt+ community?

yes

amber: what's saved as your phone's lockscreen?

one of billie eilish’s vogue shots LOL

aqua: do you thrift?

yes but not as much as i used to

pink: what's your natural hair color?

black in the winter but it gets sun bleached easily so probably brown to light brown in the summer if i get out enough

beige: have any pets? what're their names?

mason, kelso, keagan, and berry wherever they all are now. i’m a slut for adopting pets with others

black: would you ever try going vegetarian or vegan?

i did and it lasted 2.5 days but i’ll try again when i have my own place i just really love chicken

coral: an animal you wish hadn't gone extinct

humans before social media

grey: how many languages do you speak? do you want to learn any more?

english, spanish & asl but i’m not fluent in those last two so idk if that counts

maroon: do you care for clothing brands?

no

rose: favourite scent on a person?

pheromones

charcoal: have you ever been camping?

yes *gags*

claret: do you play an instrument? do you want to learn to play any?

yes and i’d like to be an exceptional violin player

copper: gold or silver jewelry?

silver

cream: any piercings or tattoos? do you want any?

yes n yes more peas

salmon: how many pairs of sunglasses do you own?

i truthfully don’t even know

ebony: would you ever want to play a game on television? (jeopardy, family fued, etc)

YES

indigo: have you ever lived on a farm?

no

emerald: if you had the option, would you choose to move and live in another country? which one?

yes n idk where yet but ill figure that out someday

lavender: relationship status?

i’m dating billie eilish n ashley lumba

erin: what was/is your best school subject?

math or english

mauve: any unpopular opinions?

we should all have sex with one another

fulvous: another name you think would suit you

venus 

coconut: a subject you enjoy learning about

everything

frost: a -core you enjoy

a WHAT

porcelain: an tv show you used to love

american idol or the walking dead LOL

fawn: any interesting family stories?

one christmas, the police swarmed my grandmas house cause my uncles bashed in someones knees with bats hahahahahha 

gold: do you wear your socks mismatched?

yes

honey: your thoughts on magic- does it exist?

yes

rust: form of art you enjoy doing?

masturbating

ginger: any sideblogs?

no

cherry: YouTubers you enjoy watching?

binging with babish

wine: do you have a 'type'

physically no but mentally yes

mahogany: your sun, moon, and rising signs

leo sun, aquarius moon, scorpio rising

blood: twin beds, queen, or king?

california king

hot pink: did you/do you had/have strong feelings against the color pink?

no but i have strong feelings towards the color pink we love her

plum: a food you've never tried

caviar

lilac: dogs, cats, or fish?

no fish

amethyst: do you collect anything?

yes

mulberry: earbuds or headphones?

earbuds for public headphones for private

azure: jean jackets?

sure

teal: have a job?

unfortunately

denim: kill the spider or take it outside?

die!!!!

sapphire: do you think you can sing well?

sometimes

mint: favourite flavour of gum?

mint

pecan: shuffle your playlist, what's the first song that comes up?

my boy - billie eilish

penny: icecream or cake

i dont like either unless its icecream from coldstone or that cheap chocolate cake w white frosting on it thats so sweet, u get cardiac arrest lol

ash: can you do your own makeup?

yes but not well

jade: ever written fanfiction?

i don’t think so

grape: how many blogs do you follow?

its in the high hundreds i think

umber: do you brush your teeth before you eat?

yes but i try not to within an hour of eating cause itll taste n feel weird

chestnut: type of phone you have

i think its an 11 pro max

prussian blue: what's your first choice at the vending machine

chips

aquamarine: beach or pool

beach

brass: least favorite food condiment

relish

mustard: how much sugar in your tea/coffee?

not too much

silver: ever broken a bone?

no

rose quartz: rings or necklaces

necklaces

onyx: do you still play Minecraft?

no

burgundy: ever ridden a motorcycle?

i dont think so

scarlet: favorite holiday

thanksgiving

apricot: opinion on 3 in 1 body wash/hair wash

please god no

platinum: do you follow politics?

yes

magnolia: your Instagram handle?

vincentvangoghsrightear

[beesmygod]

netflix’s new horror movie “bird box” sucks ass and not in a funny, enjoyable way: a review

first im going to preface this review with this: im sick. i caught a cold on the way home from reno and spent the day recovering watching this garbage instead of doing anything that required a working brain. i knew i wasn’t going to get anything mind-blowing but “bird box” teeters heavily on “insultingly bad” instead of just “bad” and it kept me mad about having wasted two hours of my life for a solid 24 hours straight.

so if this review doesn’t make sense, its partly because im sick, and partly bc this movie doesn’t make sense. this review is also impossible to structure because i dont even know where to begin. maybe here: the directing is derivative, boring and bad. its like watching paint dry. the whole movie looks like your grandma’s house smells.

to re-iterate: this movie is 2 hours long. i’ll save you 2 hours by telling you that you never see the monster, ever. sandra bullock admitted to laughing out loud repeatedly on set at the monster when it was revealed to her which lead to it being cut from the movie. if we had seen the monster, maybe the movie would have been bumped up from a d- to a c+ just because the mental image of a long green baby with john malkovich’s voice is pretty funny.

the bird box, probably

for a movie about a monster, this movie has a serious monster problem. in that the monster is not a problem. the monster (which is never given a name in the movie) can’t seem to actually do anything to you if you don’t look at it. its only power seems to be making you kill yourself when you see it (unless you’re crazy which, thats a whole other kettle of fish. give me a minute). so if you don’t look at it you’re fine? there’s several points in the movie where the monster is physically close to them but doesn’t actually do anything except beg them to take off their blindfolds and look at them. its almost pathetic. as far as i can tell, the monster’s only powers are to make leaves fly upward for no reason (i.e. to indicate its in the area without the camera having to focus on anything specific) and yell at you. but, like, as long as you don’t take off your blindfold (and somehow, people do in this movie) then you’re probably fine.

now, if you’re “crazy” (I KNOW YOU’RE ALREADY ASKING QUESTIONS HOLD ON) then looking at the monster turns you into a stereotypical evangelist for an eldritch horror. you run around saying “crazy” things that read like enemy npc chatter in ps2 era survival horror game. for example:

then, you spend all your time trying to get people to look at it by holding their eyes open. “bird box” does not bother to explain what “crazy” means in this context. according the the story, roving gangs of tokyo-drifting escaped asylum patients rule the post-apocalyptic landscape of the pacific northwest. its impossible to tackle how many layers of like morally wrong it is to yet again shove the mentally ill into the role of antagonists  (im getting exhausted just thinking about piling up all the reasons this is so fucking bad) to the point of making them a fucking enemy class. its almost more succinct just to point out that “bird box” thinks mental illness is an on/off switch you toggle rather than a spectrum. i know this movie is a relic of the past (dec 2018) but i feel like this is such a basic fact about the world as we know it today that the decision to ignore it makes me wonder if the writer was operating under the assumption that horror monster “rules” need to be clearly defined as though they were conceived for use in a videogame.

if_crazy=“yes”,  then bird=box 

speaking of the titular “bird box”: the movie is called that because they literally keep birds. in a box. the birds tell you when the monster is coming, so you can put on your blindfold. but heres the thing: the monster makes GGGGRRRRRROOORRORORO sounds nonstop when its running around in the area. you know when it’s coming. you can hear it coming from a mile away. so there’s really no point in having, a bird box. at one point the monster is so loud they can’t hear the birds over its roaring. whats the point of the birds? as it turns out, the birdbox, is useless. much lIKE THIS MOVI

this movie is a never ending cascade of cliches and stolen plot points, characters, ideas. it steals from “the happening” (blatantly, its the same movie right down to the ugly color scheme of every frame), “dawn of the dead”, “pontypool”, “the mist” and pretty much every post-apocalyptic monster movie ever. bd wong is confirmed as a gay man literally 2 minutes before he dies on screen. the black comedic lead dies next. a pregnant woman is introduced and you’ll NEVER guess what happens to her. you could set your watch to this movie. its pathetic. 

welp, he’s dead

i’m going to link this guy’s deconstruction of the weird incestual overtones that are also impossible to miss and interpret without wanting to die. 

im getting exhausted again. this movie is not fun bad. this post is to serve as a warning to the curious. in fact, im going to spoil the end for you, so you truly understand why i’m so fucking mad. i want you, right now, to imagine based on what i’ve told you what the most hackney, cliche, stupid, moronic ending twist could be to this movie about a monster you can’t look at. fully form it in you head. dare to imagine the dumbest thing you can.

ready?

YOU SEE

[szopenhauer]

Is it easy to find a job in your preferred field in your hometown?           preferred field *chuckle*

Ladies: Would you ever consider proposing? If not, why not? Gentlemen: How would you feel, if you were proposed to?     yes, I have an idea

Have you ever played the original Mass Effect trilogy?           I haven’t

If so, which Shepard and who do you like romancing the best? -             

Let’s say there’s a person in need. They need money which they can’t make. Would you be more likely to help them out, if a celebrity asked you to?       celebs should help them, not me, I need help myself!

When you go to a restaurant, do you have a go-to dish? Or do you always try out something new? usually

Would you rather live next to a kindergarten or an old folks’ home?       old folks’ home for sure

What is the best part of your most ordinary day?   sleeping :x

Do you enjoy being on your own or are you happier when there’s a crowd around you?           I’m a loner/introvert

Do you ever look up what foreign idioms mean?     yep

What’s the strangest saying you’ve come across? I don’t recall atm

What’s a First World problem that you have?         hmm...

Have you ever made a parody version of a popular song?     me and my sister were doing puppet shows for our parents, mostly her ideas as she was forcing me to perform those until I got sick of that

Which game did you play the most as a kid during recess? nie bawiłam się w większość gier przez brak zdrowia, ale lubiłam plac z huśtawkami czy drabinkami, albo udawać rodzinę/dom i te fajne białe “krateczki” z kolorowymi “guziczkami” co jak się je wpinało w dziurki to układało się z nich obrazki (nie pamiętam nazwy)

Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? there isn’t

Does your mother annoy you when the holidays come along in the year? my mom annoys me all the time lol Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? I’m too short but I manage and still some ppl sometimes ask me for help anyway Do you check the texture of things first or the smell of them? used to smell them but now just texture Have you ever broken the arm or head off of a figurine? How did you do this? I’m no Chunk :P

Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? I wouldn’t do that on purpose but I don’t believe in most of the superstitions, luckily there are some things you can do to avoid bad luck like throw salt over your shoulder or knock on non painted wooden thingy etc. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bi polar all the time? I’m sick of ppl who use mental and physical illnesses as excuses when they don’t have them - single headache ain’t a migraine nor being an ass makes you a border, shut up! Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you?  more than once Do you like those ‘end of the world,’ ‘Armageddon’ movies? some are good, some not Ever been choked severely on something? just a feather Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? several like monkey, raccoon or cat Ever been in one of those church Christmas plays before? Why/why not? I didn’t participate but I watched/looked at them when I was younger Have you ever thrown a roll of toilet paper at someone before? ... why? Have you ever found yourself talking to an inanimate object? at times I talk to my computer (because I hate it so we argue), kettle and fridge, also my stuffed animals of course Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: penis Ever think of what it would be like to be a mermaid or merman? I thought and I wouldn’t like it besides maybe finding some cool stuff that drown  What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? creators lack imagination, they ask the same stuff over and over again, it’s boring What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? red Ever want to be a doctor? Is it because of all the hospital shows? noooo Do you like drawing smiley faces or do you think they’re overrated? rarely and I’m ashamed of that tbh Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? hell no but I’m not that bad at it Do you hardly ever remember where you put things at? I have good memory when it comes to that most of the time - not counting my green scissors grrrr Where did you last buy socks from? What do those socks look like? Archelan - Christmas themed and fuzzy  Do you ever lay in the grass and look up at the sky, just because? not as often as I’d like to? Are you afraid of being kidnapped if you go outside at nighttime? raped, killed or robbed more likely Do you like showers or baths better? Why did you choose your choice? baths as I like to sit and I don’t like the glass nor have water over my head  Are you a controversial person? Do your views oppose others? it seems Have you ever thrown a surprise party for someone? Who for? nah, I dislike surprises and there weren’t opportunities/possibilities to do that Do you tap fingernails on desks? hardly ever Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? vocalist (who can play instruments) but I have no talent but don’t worry, it was a childish dream that fade away when I found out more about live of a band member Do you ever call your cousins just to talk to them randomly? nope, we don’t talk, just say HI if anything  Do you find any of your friends’ parents creepy or really mean? yep Do you ever had to wash your clothes at someone else’s house? camp When is the next time you’ll go to the library? Why is this? we’ll see, covid situation isn’t helpful and I can’t focus on books lately Do you treat others as you’d like to be treated? Have you always? I treat them how they treat me (not authority figures/dangerous ppl tho) Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? sweet and quiet Are you someone who likes to get in arguments or fights a lot? I don’t like to but I still end up arguing, sigh... How do you make sure people know you don’t like them at all? avoid them, block them, ignore them fight with them when they don’t stay away (not physically yet)

How much was the cell phone you have at this moment in time? about 200 PLN  What would you do if you woke up randomly with purple hair? cool but wonder how that happened What color is the closest desk to your body? What all is on it? ugly light brown with shitload of stuff The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? gonna have it soon so don’t remind me Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? aliens tried to abduct me in dreams but didn’t succeed ha!  What would you say is the color of your favorite bra? white Do you like people who are loud or people who are quiet? not too tiring but not completely silent either Does personality weigh out the sense of ‘good looks?’ look is important but not as much as personality for sure, it’s like 1:9 I think Do you hate it when people copy the things you do? could say so Has anyone ever told you that you’re good at cooking? r u kidding?... Do you have any enemies who you think are dangerous? anyone can be Do you ever try to squeeze information out of people? Konrad once told me I’m like a private detective about it because I’m so sneaky they don’t realize until it’s too late but I sadly forget infos quickly due to stress last months so it’s not as useful as it sounds Does it freak you out when the police drive/walk by? somehow Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? I don’t drive Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? I had a friend who was a firefighter

Have you ever woken up to a good morning letter beside you? left in the kitchen but informative like - I went there or feed the dog etc. Would you ever get your nails done? I can do them myself if I ever want to

Are you afraid of worms? maggots Do you wear rings on your thumb? why not How many shirts of yours are red? less than 5 Does the color red look good on you? my first therapist told me I should wear it to be more brave but it causes anger in me so I prefer not to Do you pray before every meal? Sunday lunch with parents Have you ever been caught cheating on a test? not caught but been cheating in high school How many white tank tops do you own? 0? Do loud people bother you? omg YES Does your head itch? not currently but frequently Do you know anyone named John? my ex friend had a nickname like this Have you ever tried the cinnamon challenge? I’m not stupid Are you a fast runner? like Gimli Did you ever want a pet rabbit? no way

Do you ever want to own a house? apartment more likely How do you feel about men? blergh Do you know any police officers? my neighbor was a police officer Have you ever signed a petition? lots Have you ever aspired to start your own business? I wish Who is the oldest person living in the same building as you? mom The youngest? me Would you rather pay with cash or card? cash, cards make me nervous Have you ever used a pager? I have not Do you like visiting the beach? beachcombing is fun Do you like to buy things? but not spend money lmfao Have you ever been in a polygamous relationship? I didn’t know that I apparently am - jk Is there anyone you haven’t spoken to in a long time but you still think about daily? my grandma for example Would you like to be rich? not filthy, having enough money to live and not barely survive

have you ever behaved like a stalker? *crickets* can you lie and keep a straight face? poker face game strong when situation calls for it

have you ever feared for somebody else’s life? especially dad’s do you prefer honesty, even when it hurts? hard to tell if you could pick your own pet name, what would it be? picked my dog’s  have you ever masturbated while driving? wtf, don’t do that, gross how do you feel when someone takes the last of something? without asking? *cringe* how do you feel when people tell you “bless you” when you sneeze? thank you unless I sneeze many times in a row and they bless me every single time - then it’s annoying what are you supposed to say when somebody coughs? r u ok? have you ever committed a violent crime because of a video game or rap song? who said I play/listen to those? have you ever actually overheard one of your friends talking shit about you? possibly how many partners is too many? at once or in your entire life? do you believe that wearing an aluminum foil hat will stop the government from reading your thoughts? that reminds me of the RED movie XD

would you rather have a hook for a hand or a peg leg? peg leg 100% elseway I’d end up with an eye cover as well if you know what I mean bonus points for/to being a pirate tho how close does someone have to be for you to feel obligated to wait and hold the door for them? either right behind me or carry heavy/big load do you examine the tissue after you blow your nose? for example when I worry about it bleeding  what is your cure for the hiccups? wait

Do you miss Brittany Murphy’s appearance in films? awwww she was such a good actress RIP

Is Christmas stressful? to me it is but I’m stressed 24/7

Do you make your own smoothies or juices? meh

Do you think time really does heal all? NO

Are you more sensitive to heat or the cold? cold

Did you care at all when Steve Jobs died? ... he died?

Has anyone searched your room for anything recently? my mother for dirty laundry

When do you decorate for Christmas? as soon as possible

Would you be cool with wearing sweatpants to the grocery store? yes

Have you ever been pranked via a hidden camera? am glad that didn’t happen 

Do you know any of those people who are depressed during the winter? I’m depressed year round

If a job makes you unhappy, do you choose to stay or leave? if I can change it without ending up on the street then I leave

How does your being here in the universe change humanity for the better? nothing? Who is a person that you don’t like yet you spend time with? my family member[s] How is your relationship with money? we don’t see each other as often as I’d like to ;) get it?  How do you feel about growing old someday? won’t live that long

Are you wearing two shirts? too hot for that Have you ever owned the socks with toes on them? disgusting! Can you point out constellations in the night sky? I can not What was your favorite part about studying ancient Greeks and Romans? not interested What’s the last thing you bought at a mall? food, antibacterial gel and a blanket

Is there someone who you can turn to for money and not be ashamed? parents but I’ll feel crappy about it  Have you ever swam in a river? as a child Are there any dirty clothes underneathe your bed? ewww seriously?  What food do you love the smell of while it’s cooking? smells make me sick In what month do you start Christmas shopping? I seek presents whole year then store them for later Have you ever had a crush on a celebrity of the same sex? as a lesbian What kind of flowers would you plant in your garden? bushes, grass, moss and trees, wild flowers, if they want to grow, can stay  Do you believe that kids should be taught abstinence? I agree When’s the next time you’ll go to the grocery store? not in next weeks

Where’s your car keys? not applicable Did you keep any momentos of school dances? pics Do you still have clothes from your high school? and middle school  Do you think you could do better drawings than Napolean Dynamite? this question...

Do you own anything skull print? had a shirt that I gave to John ages ago Who are the three people you consider yourself closest to? parents and my gf Which ex of yours means the most to you? my partner as we’re back together Have you taken prescription medications that didn’t belong to you? oh well... How are your social skills? awkward Have you ever stayed at a hotel for longer than two months? I’m poor Do you ever go outside to look at the stars? there were some days in past summers when me and dad been going to stadium for a walk at night, that’s when and where we saw UFO  Who breaks away from the kiss first? she as she forgets to breathe  Do you know what you weigh? thx for a reminder - they’ll ask in hospital Have you ever smoked anything other than tobacco? one cigarette was all that I smoked in me life Have you ever ridden on the back of a motorcycle? nope Do you say koala bear or simply koala? koala  Do you usually travel anywhere in the winter? I’d freeze brrr Do you wait for someone else to take the garbage out when it’s full? we take turns Are most of your friends white? it’s not America so...

Does your hair reach your boobs? not even my shoulders

What’s something that fills you with anxiety? what doesn’t?...

What age do you think is too old to still live with your parents? there’s no expiration date

Have you ever watched Bob’s Burgers? fragments

Has a teacher ever caught and read a note you were passing in class? I wasn’t that much of a note passer 

Do you know anyone who is afraid of horses? nah

Do you clean things that are already clean when you’re bored? tha hell?...

Would you rather live in a tropical or arctic climate? tropical

What do you do when someone overweight complains about being overweight? I say it’s important to be healthy but weight isn’t always a sign of being ill

Is there any Irish, Scottish, or Danish in your heritage? none that I know of

Do you find Asians attractive? yes and no

Have either of your parents ever been to jail? nooooo

Keep Calm and Carry On or Screw Calm and Get Angry? there’s time for one of each?

Do you think Urban Outfitters is overpriced? like every other similar store 

Are your colarbones prominent? yeah

Have you ever in your life worn overalls? I have indeed

How did you react when you heard Whitney Houston had died? sorry but I didn’t care

Do you think Helena Bonham Carter is attractive? she is

Would you rather listen to Dolly Parton or Dusty Springfield? Dolly

Are you watching The Walking Dead? I’m scared of zombies and gore 

Are you a light sleeper? became lighter

Would you consider cuddling cheating? it’s complicated

What does the purse/bag you last used look like? it’s black with red embroidery and white beads

Can you make a clover with your tongue? impossible

What’s your favorite coffee brand/flavor? I don’t drink coffee

Is your belly button pierced? no piercings!

[feelin-woozy]

ALL OF THE FLOWERS! 🌸

Alisons: Sexuality?

Queer

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

He/They, nb

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Eeeh, no but I probably still will lmao

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

Yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

uhh, lately Berkshire Cunt

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

Typical nuclear family

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

@majuulian and my boy Alex but Im nut gunna link his tumblr bc idk if he wants that lmao

Begonia: Favorite color?

Azure and reds

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

Cats

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

Night person

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

Cat

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I don’t really remember

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

They’re cute but probably not for me

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

Disappointing my parents

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

I used to hide under tables a lot as a kid

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

Getting drunk and listening to good music, hopefully surrounded by good company

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

Single

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

Germany

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

Have you ever had someone watch you absently with a small smile as you do something?

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

Three

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

Eight

California Poppy: Height?  

5′8

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

I don’t not believe in them

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

Shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

Yes

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

I think Alayna??

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

My ex

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

Anything cursive

Columbine: Are you tired?

Very

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

Uhh,,, I get to see Pup soon and I’m pretty stoked for that

Coneflower: Dream job?

Psychnurse

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

Yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

As long as I’m not doing something that hurts myself physically and or mentally then pretty far

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

Big doggo

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Virgo

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Absolutely, but I don’t really want to talk abt my shenanigans online for the masses

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

My vests lmao

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

They haven’t liked a few of them but hey, hasn’t stopped me lmao. It also depends on WHY they don’t like them though

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

Josh i think??

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

Not particularly

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

Have my shit together

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

My friends, family, music, cats, 

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

Weed

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

Light bullying

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

My vests

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

Uhh, just chilling with friends maybe having a few drinks and laughing till your sides hurt

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

I play video games and listen to podcasts

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

I’ve known my buddy Erika for like a decade and a half, we met in school.

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Josh

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

Like 10 maybe

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

You remind me of David Bowie

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

I’m kinda a piece of shit lmao

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

My aesthetic

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

I’m lazy

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Watch my mum play world of warcraft

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

Erika

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

Nothing I care 2 share

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

A lot of things lmfao

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

Victory of the people, because that’s what my mum picked out

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

I grew up in Vancouver, I had a really typical childhood and I’m not sure what else to say of it. Just very basic.

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

Wall to wall in posters

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

I don’t remember much of it lmao. I was a very very angry teenager and I was sad all the time. I was just a very volatile person and not really the kinda person you want in your life lmao.

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

She’s my bestfriend!!! I love her so much and would literally kill someone for her

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

He’s kinda an asshole but I really love him and value his opinions on things lmao.

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

My grandparents are,, complicated lmao. They’re fine all things considered though. My maternal grandma is the bomb.

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

I saw Brand New one year on my birthday, that was really great.

Peony: What was your first job?

Kentucky fried shithole

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

Ill probably meet my next partner on a dating app lmao.

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

Couple tynelols and move on

Pink: Where is home?

With people who make you laugh till your sides hurt and have your back through thick and thin

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

Uhh, I’d probably try and get my shit together sooner in life.

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

Takes no shit 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

I’d like to live in the forest away from people with some animals and a partner

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

Santa, tooth fairy etc.

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

My parents

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

I love the sound of rain also the kill bill siren

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Currently, Punk in drublic

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Idk I’ve done a lot of shitty things lmao

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

Some chocolate milk would be rad

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

Very easy, I’ve done like 6 years of therapy. I’m a fucking pro at this lmfao

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

Music

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

Like 7 hours?

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

Life doesn’t stop for no one. Don’t wanna get steamrolled by it.

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

I fucking hate it

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

My vests

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

Goth/punk slut

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

Idk I like weird things, one of my ex boyfriends bought me a bunch of taxidermy for my birthday and that’s been the best gift I’ve gotten to date

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

Life in general

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

I don’t read too much but I have read The Last Wish by Andrzej Sapkowski

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Uhh hopefully less stressed out 

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

I’m double jointed and it really freaks people out

[twenty-nothing]

OneHundredSeventyFive

Books

Which book series was the first you read?

- Junie B. Jones

What was the last book you read? - Joyland by Stephen King

Would you rather write a book or direct a movie? - Direct a movie

Dreams

Do you usually remember your dreams?

- The good ones yeah, very few linger past 48 hours though

Are most of your dreams good, scary or just plain weird?

- Good

What dream that you’ve had has stuck in your head the most? Describe: - Went through something terrifying with a group of people and ended up getting engaged to one of them because the event bonded us.

Emotions

What emotion do you find yourself trying to hide from others?

- My depression/loneliness 

How emotional/sentimental would you say you are? - Very much so

Do your emotions control you or do you control your emotions? - They control me for sure

Fun

What do you do for fun?

- Watch TV, read books, go for walks, listen to music

Which is more fun: cycling, watching tv, roller coaster ride or cooking? - Cycling

What is the funnest game to play? - Cards Against Humanities 

Geometry

Nearest square thing to you?

- Side table

What was the last circular thing you ate? - A container of queso? lmao

Is there anything triangular in the room you’re in right now? - No

Height

Are you taller or shorter than average?

- Short I would say, 5′4′’

Is your Mum tall or short? How about your Dad? - My parents are on the shorter side. Mom 5′3′’ and Dad 5′8′’

Do you wish you were taller or shorter? - I’m good with my height

If…

If you became pregnant or your partner did, what would you do?

- I don’t think I’d be mentally ready but I finally got a good paying job, great health insurance and all so I think I would keep it

If you lost something your friend lent to you, what would you do? - Feel horrible and offer to replace it

If you had to talk about 1 subject for a minute live on TV, which one? - What makes a good restaurant

Jokes

Do you normally tell jokes or listen to the jokes?

- Tell them but I like a mix of both

What is your sense of humor like (dry, dark, sarcastic etc)? - Sarcastic

Kisses

Do you put x’s in your text messages?

- Nope

When did you last have a kiss? - It’s been a few years

Does your grandma give you big sloppy kisses when she sees you? - No, we just hug each other

Language

How many languages can you say ‘hello my name is…’ in?

- Two, English and French

What language do you think sounds the nicest? - French

What language do you want to learn more of? - French lol

Marriage

Do you ever want to get married?

- Yes

Church or Registry Office? - Registry Office

Dream wedding? - I’d like something simple and nice, with not too many people

Names

Your closest friends names?

- Lisa and Elaine

What names would you ever call your kids? - Lily or Angie for girl and Paul for boy

What name is the cutest for a little black and white doggie? - No idea lol

Order

Are you tidy?

- I like to say I am but I’m not really

Do you colour code things or put them in alphabetical order? - It depends what it is lol My DVDs are in alphabetical order and my nail polish is color coded

Do you have any form of OCD? - Nope

Promises

Do you make promises often?

- Not really. I make them when other people ask me to promise something, but it doesn’t happen often

What was the last promise you made? - I don’t remember, it has been a while

Do you plan to keep that promise? - ^^

Quizzes

What types of online quizzes/surveys do you like taking? - I love taking personality quizzes. As for surveys, I like the random and themed ones the most

Have you ever made a quiz? What was it about? - Nope

Have you ever taken an EQ or IQ test? If so, what did you get? - I haven’t

Secrets

Do you have a lot of secrets?

- I have a couple

“A secret isn’t a secret if you tell one person.” Is this true to you? - Yes if they will go around telling everyone

Thought Provoking

If you knew you had a high chance of dying, would you kill yourself before disease riddled you unable or hope for the best?

- If I had an illness that slowly and painfully killed me, then yes

Choose a box: 1 has a large amount of money, the other either a wish or fear of yours come true. Which do you pick? - The amount of money, I’m sure that will help me make a wish come true

An angel comes to you and offers to show you one thing from the future or the past; past or future and what is that thing gonna be? - The future, my life in 10 years

Unlucky

Would you say you are more unlucky or lucky?

- Unlucky

A leprechaun pops up and offers to plant some luck on you but it could go either way. Risk it or dismiss it? - Yeah what the fuck, I’m never very lucky anyway so might as well risk it

Violence

When did you last hit or punch someone?

- Junior high

When did you last get hit or punched? - Never been hit or punched

Are you more likely to be verbally aggressive or physically? - Verbal

Warnings

Do you listen when someone gives you a warning?

- Sometimes, I need to learn to listen more

What warning has someone gave you that you wish you’d have listened to? - To stay far far away from my last job

What warning has someone gave you you are glad you didn’t take? - Community college won’t get you anywhere, you better go to a 4 year school

XXX

Have you ever had sex?

- Yes

Have you ever accidentally saw someone having sex? - No

YouTube

Do you go onto YouTube?

- Yes

What is your favourite video of on YouTube? - I like lyric videos,food reviews, mukbangs, disney vlogs, asmr

What channels do you go on the most? - Steph Pappas, TheTimTracker

Zodiac

What’s your star sign?

Cancer

What are the traits of that sign? Do you have them? Emotional, sensitive, strong willed and all of them fit me

What zodiac sign do you think you suit the most?

- Mine 100%

Number 1

Name me 1 person who has changed your life for the better?

- Matt, learned a lot through that bullshit

Name me 1 object that’s in your kitchen right now? - Fridge

Name one creature that freaks you out/scares you? - Spiders

Number 2

2nd person that you talked to today was…

- Only talked to one person today

What is 2 times your favorite number? - 34

You and two of your friends have got in trouble with the law. Who are the 2 friends you have got in trouble with and what did you do? - Lisa and Elaine and I dont know some stupid shit

Number 3

3 words that don’t describe you at all:

- Mean, simple, creative

Who is 3rd in your contacts list on your phone? - Aunt Ang

In 3 more days, what will the date be? - April 4th

[dejaaalm]

Grandma

The last two weeks has been a blur! I went through a roller-coaster of different and mixed emotions—grief, sadness, sorrow, heartache, relief, joy, comfort, and even confusion. My husband’s maternal grandmother passed away peacefully and unexpectedly on President’s Day—Monday, February 18, 2019. It has been quite the transition for Scott’s family and I think we’re all trying to find our feet and get back to living a “normal” life again.

I can still remember Scott and me getting our kids ready that Monday morning because we were so excited to have the day off and take our kids to the Children’s Museum for a fun family day. Right after my husband buckled Evan and Lily in their car seats, he came inside and said that he was going to call his dad back because he missed his call. I told him okay and finished packing the kids’ snack bag. All of a sudden, just as I put my coat on, my husband opened the door, walked inside, and immediately grabbed me and cried on my shoulders. I asked him what was wrong. Then, I realized Scott said that he missed a call from his dad and that he was going to call him back. I started panicking and saying “No, no! Don’t tell me! No, no, no.” Scott whispered, “Dad texted and said that grandma passed.”

When I was a little girl, I was always so envious of other kids when they talked about how much they loved their grandparents or how much their grandparents loved them. I wondered a lot about what a grandparent’s love was like, and I often wondered what my grandparents were like. I never met any of my grandparents and I longed for one.

My paternal grandfather died when my dad was a young kid and my paternal grandmother remarried and left my dad and uncles behind with the Lee clan due to cultural restrictions. My maternal grandfather died from an illness shortly after my family arrived in the United States and my maternal grandmother was killed by Vietcong soldiers. We have no pictures of them—only vivid memories shared by what my parents can recall about their own parents. Were they loving? Were they funny? Were they good hunters and farmers? How did they meet each other and fall in love?

When I was in high school, one of my teachers asked the students to share a favorite memory of their grandparents. Everyone had a memory to share except me. When it was my turn, I said “I wish I had a memory to share but I never met any of my grandparents.” The teacher and some students were taken aback. “Not even one?” The teacher would ask. I would quietly nod and then we moved onto the next student.

Scott and I started dating in September of 2008. Two months later, he introduced me to his grandma—Grandma Blanche. She was the second person in his family that I met. I was so nervous to meet her. I wondered if I would be accepted or if she would like me because I was a different skin color. Grandma was, well, not what I expected. She was so funny and talkative. We clicked right away and the rest is history.

I have so many memories of her—barbequing in her back yard, raking her leaves, cleaning her basement, grocery shopping with her, Scott and I doing surprise visits, eating chicken chow mein in her dining room, and etc. Speaking of chicken chow mein, it is not a fancy Chinese dish. Most Asian people do not go to a Chinese restaurant to order chicken chow mein because it’s a boring dish. However, after meeting Scott and grandma, eating chicken chow mein grew on me. The only time I ate it was when we visited grandma.

Before Scott and I had kids, we would go over to cook dinner and play board games. Grandma loved watching us play Sequence and Phase 10 and she always cheered for me.

(Playing a fun game with grandma. I can’t remember the name of this game.)

One time at our Anoka home, I decided to invite my in-laws and grandma over for dinner. I cooked my first pot roast in our crockpot and baked my first apple pie. I think I did okay. I didn’t burn anything. Hopefully, they all enjoyed it. I can still remember sitting next to her and she said “This is delicious.”

Grandma and I had a lot of fun conversations about love, relationships, God, and even random stuff like trying to keep up with the Kardashians. There were nights where we just sat in her living room and talked for hours and laughed our butts off. We definitely shared a lot of funny moments. I loved hearing the stories about her and her husband and their quarrels of the past. Grandma loved learning about the Hmong culture. One time, PBS played a special documentary about the Hmong people and grandma was so excited to tell me all about it. She reminded me of a little child who drew a picture and couldn’t wait to show an adult what they drew. I could never forget how excited she was.

Grandma once told me that she knew Scott and I were meant to be together because she can see the twinkles in our eyes when we looked at each other.

When I was pregnant with Evan and Lily, grandma would always say “You are glowing” even when I didn’t feel that great about my physical appearance. I can still remember dropping off the kids for grandma to watch and picking them up after work. After work, I would stay around for a little bit to chat and hear her tell me about the day. One time, I dropped off the kids and grandma gave me a brown paper bag and said “Here’s your lunch. Take it and enjoy it.” She packed me a ham sandwich, apple, and some slices of cheese. Lol. Slices of cheese? That was random but my heart was so full that day.

(This was the brown lunch bag she packed for me. I posted this photo on my Facebook on 9/22/2014.)

Sometimes, after Sunday church service, my kids would beg to go see Grandma Blanche. As soon as we got there, Lily would quickly take off her shoes and socks and start digging in the fridge and Evan would quickly chat away with her about all the new things he’s learned. They loved visiting her.

After every encounter, grandma would hug me and kiss me on the cheek before leaving. Little did I know that this Valentine’s Day would be the last time I get a hug and kiss on the cheek from her.

On Valentine’s Day, we ordered two bouquet of flowers—one for my mother-in-law and one for grandma. Evan gave the first bouquet to my mother-in-law and then he quickly picked up the second bouquet and ran to the kitchen to give it to grandma. Scott decided to record this very moment too. We captured Evan handing grandma the bouquet of red carnations and Evan said “This is for you. It has a heart on there.” Grandma was ecstatic. We stayed for a little bit to hang out. Grandma baked some cupcakes and said that they were for Scott’s belated birthday. I was pretty hungry so I ate 3. The last conversation I had with Grandma that night was about the eye gel pads that I got her for Christmas. She wanted to know how to use them. I told her that all she needed to do was open the packaging and placed the pads under the eye and leave it there for 15-30 minutes and then discard it. The serum in the eye pads will make the appearance of the under eye look less dull. She was so excited and told me that she couldn’t wait to try them out. Before we left, we did our usual thing of hugging each other. I hugged grandma and she kissed my right cheek and said “I love you” and I replied “Love you too.”

My kids slept over on Valentine’s Day and spent the next day with my in-laws and grandma while Scott and I went to work. In case you didn’t know, Grandma moved in to live with my in-laws near the end of December last year, and then she sold her house the first week of January. Anyway, I was supposed to go have happy hour with my co-workers after work but I decided to stay home and bake an apple pie. Scott came home and wanted to go pick up the kids. I told him to wait for me because I wanted to share the apple pie with my in-laws and grandma too. Scott said that 50 minutes is a long time to wait for a pie so he left without me. I would have gotten to see grandma one more time and she would have gotten to eat my apple pie too.

Grandma Blanche was a blessing to me. God blessed me with a grandma for 10 years. I was showered with love—the kind I always yearned for from a grandparent.

I know that no one can escape death; it’s just part of the design God created. I’ll admit I am a bit greedy and I didn’t want grandma to go yet…or ever! Grandma only got to see our new house once. I told Scott that I regretted not being more aggressive about hosting Thanksgiving at our house last November. Grandma made a comment to us last summer that she didn’t want to host Thanksgiving anymore. She said “Let’s do it at your house. You guys have such a beautiful house.” The weeks prior to Thanksgiving, I urged Scott to invite everyone over and we can host Thanksgiving but he said that it wasn’t his decision to make so we let it go. Darn it!

I miss grandma. Even as I’m writing this, I miss her. I miss her big bright smile. I miss hearing her comforting voice. She was a giver, a supporter, and a comforter. Whenever I felt like I needed a boost of confidence, grandma was there to give that to me.

One of my favorite memories of grandma was after I gave birth to my daughter. We brought Lily over to grandma’s house so that she could see her. We told grandma that Lily’s middle name is Jane which is her middle name. The look on grandma’s face was priceless. I could tell that she was delighted and honored to hear that we named our little girl after her. I’m so glad that Scott and I decided to include that at the last minute because Rose was going to be Lily’s middle name. Our little Lily Rose Jane.

I’m sad that grandma isn’t here to be with us anymore. I’m sad that I won’t get to see her smile, hear her talk, or play games with her.

I’m happy that grandma lived a good life and was surrounded by people who loved and cared about her. I’m happy that she doesn’t have to worry about this crazy world anymore and can dance with the angels. I’m happy that she can be with her parents and husband again.

Thank you for all the love you’ve shown me and for being my grandma too.

I love you grandma and I hope you know that.

(Grandma ringing the bell at our wedding and pointing at us to kiss. Good times!)

[savetopnow]

2018-03-28 01 MUSIC now

MUSIC

Brooklyn Vegan

Danzig (playing 'How the Gods Kill') added to Psycho Las Vegas 2018

Fenne Lily releasing debut LP next week (hear the new "Car Park" & other songs)

Real Estate announce spring tour w/ Habibi (who have a new EP)

Frog Eyes breaking up after new album & tour w/ Hello Blue Roses (stream a track)

The Posies announce 30th anniversary tour w/ 'Frosting on the Beater' lineup

Consquence of Sound

The 25 Best Teens in TV History

Real Estate announce new US tour dates for this summer

Underoath no longer identify as a Christian band: “One of the best things we ever did”

Simian Mobile Disco’s Jas Shaw diagnosed with rare illness

Yes announce 50th anniversary tour dates

Fact Magazine

Physical music outsold digital downloads in the US last year

FACT mix 645: μ-Ziq

Moog turns its iconic Minimoog Model D synth into a fully-featured iOS app

Talking heads: 6 of the best smart speakers

The Icelandic electronic music renaissance: Sónar Reykjavík reviewed

Fluxblog

Late Night Games

The Middle Of A Cold Premonition

The Moon Right Behind Me

Make Me Feel Right

I Loved And I Lost

Idolator

Lauren Jauregui Sizzles In Sexy ‘Playboy’ Shoot, Talks Solo Career

Cardi B Reveals The Cover Of Debut LP ‘Invasion Of Privacy’

Christina Aguilera Poses For ‘Paper’ Shoot, Reveals Nothing About New Era

ASCAP Pop Music Awards To Honor Lana Del Rey & Songwriter Desmond Child

Neon-Lit Rooms & Mountaintops: Loote’s “Your Side Of The Bed” Video

Listen to This

Shampoo - Bare Knuckle Girl [Pop]

Spirit Zoo -- Missing Peace[lofi hip hop]

daguida -- passageiro [indie/alt folk pop/rock] (2018)

Anna von Hauswolff - The Mysterious Vanishing of Electra (2018) [doom, experimental]

Floppy Circus - The Tales of Wes Montgomery [Chillhop/Jazz], 2017

Popjustice

NONONO’s new one is v excellent and here’s the video

New Music Friday: all hail Let’s Eat Grandma’s miniature pop symphony

Paloma Faith’s branded content is better than your branded content

Saluting the artwork for PRETTYMUCH’s Healthy

Louisa Johnson interview: “We went, ‘oh, fuck it, let’s just get drunk’”

Reddit Music

The Used - The Taste of Ink [Emo/Hardcore]

4 Non Blondes - What's Up [Rock]

Manfred Mann - Blinded by the Light [rock]

Creedence Clearwater Revival - Have you ever seen the rain? [rock]

George Harrison - My Sweet Lord [rock]

Rolling Stone

Jethro Tull Detail Massive 50th Anniversary Compilation

Janelle Monae's 'Dirty Computer': What We Know, What to Expect

Watch 5 Seconds of Summer Climb Walls in New 'Want You Back' Video

Cardi B Announces Debut Album 'Invasion of Privacy' Out Soon

Hear A$AP Rocky Team With BlocBoy JB on Slick New Song 'Bad Company'

Slipped Disc

John Neumeier will see out 50 years in Hamburg

Maestro splits: Andris Nelsons’s marriage is over

Frank Gehry gets to build again in LA

Classical record cover of the year?

Maestro steps down after 59 years

Spotify Blog

Spotify Celebrates Black History Year-Round with Launch of Black History Is Happening Now

Spotify Launches Integration with New and Existing Cadillac Models

Spotify Launches ‘Louder Together’ with First Multi-Artist Spotify Single Collaboration from Independent Stars Sasha Sloan, Nina Nesbitt and Charlotte Lawrence

Spotify Launches Self-Serve Advertising Platform in the UK and Canada

Spotify Announces Launch of Line-In

We Are the Music Makers

Regarding recent Facebook news, what do us musicans do for social promotion?

Anyone use direct emails as a viable alternative to Facebook for promoting shows?

This guy does it all solo but can't find any others

We should do this here.

Tips on Vocal Delivery? [Hip-Hop]

[exampleofabadexample]

Growing Up Depressed

I honestly didn't realize how bad my depression was until last year. Yeah, it's weird isn't it? I feel like nowadays kids and parents figure it out when the kids are still young, making it easier to find a correct solution and to do so sooner rather than later. Not that I'm blaming the parents who didn't realize it early (unless you knew about it and refused to help them, it is no one's fault.), but it has become increasingly easier. I, on the other hand, was not so lucky. Don't get me wrong, my mom is a wonderful person and I couldn't ask for better. My father is a story for another day though, as he relates less to depression and more to abuse and just generally being a cunt.

I was raised well, I was taught I needed to go to school, be nice to people, and that I either needed to find a job or go to college afterwards. Personally, I think if you can just drop out of high school and get your G.E.D. you should, but of course that's completely a matter of opinion, but I was raised well regardless. However, I did have plenty of days where I didn't think I could do anything. Not because I was lazy and not even necessarily because I didn't want to, but because I literally felt like I couldn't do it. I'm not saying there weren't days were I didn't want to go simply because I wanted to stay home and play games or watch television, but even then I knew the difference between that and the feeling that I would rather lay down and not get up for a few days. Being that young, I didn't really know what depression was, but I still felt it. 

Now if I haven't lost you, because honestly it hardly even makes sense to me, then you probably understand or are at least trying to. To those who understand, I know I'm preaching to the choir here, so I don't blame you if you stop reading. To those who don't and are trying to, I applaud you, it seems as if very few people in the world even want to try. People like me, we aren't sad and we aren't upset. Those are emotions that typically tend to have a reason to exist: Harsh break-ups, pets dying, loved ones dying, and etc. Depression is more like being trapped inside a room with a twin that hates the fact that you even exist. (Imagine a concrete room with one locked door and no windows) Not only do you feel like nothing matters, not only are you filled with self-loathing, but on top of that you hate yourself for being depressed in the first place. That's depression.

Going back to my story, I want to say that I was not an easy child, in some ways I was a horrible child, and I'm not going to sit here and blame every single problem I have on my mental state. The first time I really remember feeling depressed though, is back in the 5th grade, when I would skip school and fake sick simply because the though of doing anything that day made me want to sit and cry. There are two situations that come to mind. The first one was rather simple; I had faked sick and stayed home, but about halfway through the day I decided that I wanted to try going. I had called my mother and told her that I wanted to try to make it through the second half of the day, to which she readily agreed and called to say I was coming. I got up off my grandma's couch (who I would stay with in the morning because mom had to be at work by 6 A.M.), gathered my school supplies together in my backpack, and started walking. I made it past the firehouse, so maybe about 50 feet, before I almost broke down crying and ran back to my grandma's. I called mom and made up some lame excuse that she didn't buy but accepted anyway, and just didn't go. I would like to make it clear that at this point I was not bullied, I honestly loved school still. I had no idea why I acted the way I did, I just knew I would rather cry in front of a fire station than go to school, or go anywhere to be completely honest.

The other situation that jumps out at me is one I'm a bit ashamed of. Mom had taken me to school that day for some reason or other, I honestly can't remember why, and I pretty much refused to go. Nothing new of course, but over the phone it was a lot easier to make her give up and just let me stay. I repeat that I was indeed a horrible child. So it started out calmly enough, I wouldn't go and I refused to get out of the the truck she was driving at the time. It started to quickly escalate as most arguments with parents do, to the point where I got out but refused to actually go into the school, simply walking away in the other direction. I don't remember how, I only remember it was of my own accord (my mom is not abusive and would not physically drag me anywhere, I will repeat that she was and still is an amazing mother.), and when she did grab my arm I decided to yell out the word rape. If I remember correctly, we had not that long ago had one of the people from the local abuse and sexual assault prevention center there to discuss with us how to prevent unwanted altercations. Me, being a very ignorant child, decided that advice applied to that very situation. Mom rightfully scolded me and went and got the principal who finally convinced me to go in the school. Now, ignoring my little mark of childish ignorance there, it was simply another case of me going so far as to cause a scene in order to not have to deal with life for another day. However, that was the length I was willing to go, I was that desperate to stay home from a class I liked and a school I liked. It didn't make sense then and honestly doesn't make sense now. 

The point of those two stories is to establish a pattern, as things would only get worse for awhile, until I either had to cope on my own or drown. Just to touch on things briefly, my parent's got divorced while I was in the 6th grade, I would constantly refuse to go to school to the point where the principal was doing his best to drag me in, threatening to put me into detention if I didn't start going. My parents then got back together. My dad was and is still a piece of shit. I felt like killing myself on a pretty constant basis. I know, it sounds like a pity party, and to some extent it is, but I also now realize that a lot of my feelings were well beyond my control. I started therapy in high school and one of the first things I picked up is that we literally cannot control our emotions. We can control our reactions to them and the actions we take due to them, but not the emotions themselves. You also really can't control suicidal thoughts or even the idea that you don't deserve to live.

That was me, it still is me to be honest. I feel like I lose control a lot and tend to act on those emotions, and on ideas that I know are false. Hell, I'm still suicidal as far as that goes. A little over a year ago now I actually did try to kill myself, it was a terrible attempt and I had no idea what I was doing and I came nowhere close in the time I had, but I had every intention of doing so, no matter how it actually played out. I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of any of this. I write this not because I want the world to look at me, but because I genuinely believe that shit like this can be prevented. I don't blame my mother at all. Honestly I don't. She didn't know what was going on and I did the best I could to hide it, and I was pretty damn good at it too.

This is what I have to say to parents: If your kid DOES tell you that they are depressed, do not write them off and say it's just a phase. Honestly, that phrase is fucking stupid to begin with. But that's also another topic for another day. But get them help, I don't care what you have to do or what your culture, society, etc tells you. Get them help because whatever your other solutions are, they are wrong. I'm not pulling that punch, not getting help for them is wrong. Mental disorders and illnesses suck, so get them help

To anyone who is suicidal, no matter your age, please don't do it. There are days I have to scream just to reign myself in enough that I don't go crazy. It's a terrible feeling, but it's not worth dying over even if it feels like it is. It's not fair to those who care about you and, more importantly, it's not fair to yourself. It's never too late and you still always have a chance of finally finding that one thing that keeps the darkness at bay.

One more thing I have to add, that I'm sure is more than controversial, is that you need to tell anyone who wishes you to force yourself into situations you are uncomfortable with or aren't ready for, to go kindly fuck off. You, and only you, know how much you can handle, no one has any right to try to tell you otherwise and there is absolutely no excuse for them to force the issue. Kick people like that out of your life, as they don't deserve to be there.

[thepawslady]

I bought an alligator. -Fiction/short story

**THIS STORY WAS SUBMITTED TO GVSU FOR WRT 219 BY ME. DO NOT COPY.* Henry ate my homework. No not ate, he devoured. I guess this is what you get when you go to the pet store to adopt a big dog but come out with a 12 foot alligator with white knife teeth and dandelion eyes instead.

Last week while watching Game of Thrones when Ari killed the man that stole her sword Needle someone started knocking on the front door. My stomach dived to my toes. It is 11 at night, who would be at my front door? Mom and dad were at a concert but they would use the garage to come into the house not the front door. Slowly, while trying to breathe and not think about every episode for Criminal Minds, I crept to the kitchen to grab a chef knife. If the door person had a gun, I was dead. If they didn’t, I better figure out how to use this thing within the next 20 feet. I wish I had Maddix still. Maddix, my family’s 7 year old Boxer, died 3 years ago from an unknown illness that made him wither away in front of our eyes for 2 years no matter what we did or the test he received. Now gone, I have never felt so unprotected. Tiptoeing to the door, I side step over to the stairs to look out the landing window I see two figures in front of my door. One of them had a dark brown coat wearing an evergreen cap with white lines. I relaxed. Murders weren’t knocking on my door for me to invite them in. It was my parents. Why they didn’t use the garage door I have no idea. Still holding the knife in hand I open the door for my parents.

“ELLA!” my dad said shaking his head in frustration.

Why am I in trouble for being safe?

“What?” I ask in a little bit of anger and more disbelief.

“Why are you holding a knife towards me and your mom?” Dad said as he pushes past me to the walk way.

“I didn’t know who you are from this side of the door.” I said. Is he really this obtuse with his old age? I shut the door behind him and mom.

He sighed in exasperation.

I climbed back into the couch wrapping myself in the wool blanket still warm from before to watch my show alone.

The next day I drove to a pet store with the best of intensions to adopt a guard dog. One with a big bark that sounds like thunder. But I walked in to Pet Supplies Plus and I saw him. It was almost as if wedding bells went off in my head like I meet my soulmate in animal form. One call to the vet later to clarify that I have never owned an alligator or any other pets, I was walking out of Pet Supplies Plus at the speed of an alligator on land, and by the time I got his 12 foot body into my car his name was Henry.

Henry was a trouble maker from the beginning. Since we got home he has snapped at my mom’s cats, tried to bite my ankles, and now has eaten my homework. The temperament wasn’t a problem. It was what I asked for but at the same time he loves to snuggle, go swimming, and for walks. So when he ate my homework of course I scolded him, I mean you can’t allow bad behavior to go unpunished. After cleaning up the homework confetti all over the kitchen floor that my mother freshly washed I gave him the semi-tire that he likes to chew on and put him outside.  

With it being the first Wednesday of the month, I needed to douse him in this veterinary prescribed lotion to keep his coarse skin moisturized and Henry’s moss scales shimmering. When I adopted Henry I was told to take him to Dr. Smith, a reptile specialist in downtown Grand Rapids. At Henry’s physical Dr. Smith said that I should cover him up once a month with lotion. But when I say physical it was more like a spay day for him and an unexpected pay day for the vet. Henry enjoyed an alligator facial and dental work while his nails were gleaming pears.

To get Henry up to the bathroom I had to walk Henry up the sandpaper-carpet stairs from the living room which as you can image was like walking grandma up a flight of stairs. With his short t-rex arms as legs, it takes him a minute to lift his legs one at a time to step up.

In the bathroom I grab open the five gallon tub of alligator moisturizer. Whoever designed the bucket was very genius to place mermaid scales on the label. It must mean that his rocky skin will become slick and smooth. I grabbed a glob and like any mother of an alligator would do started lathering Henry up to be as smooth as a baby’s bottom.

“You know Henry,” I leaned into the bath tub even more “you really need to learn to walk faster. Maybe you should go on run with mom. Or should I get you’re a treadmill?” I said to him while vigorously rubbing in his lotion on this webbed toes.

The following day grew with sunshine and ice melting happiness! I maybe a bit optimistic but I think that I can bring Henry out for a walk. I opened the black bench that holds his harness and leash. It was a nice day to get Mr. Lazy Bones outside and walking. He must have gained 35 pounds from the polar vortex.

The best thing about living next to the schools is that there is a stream that Henry likes to play in during days like today. He can bask in the sun, can swim, eat, and play with the ducks till his little heart is filled with joy. Henry zoomed out of the water towards to swan duck. Leaping into the air the duck flew above five feet away from where he was before. Not the best performance from Mr. Duck.

Standing on the white gazebo seems to be sturdy enough to stand shaking while Henry thrashes around in the water under me. His tail seems to be doing most of the damage here. No surprise there, he practically knocks everyone down in the house with that thing. The water was drowning the landing underneath the gazebo.

CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.

I stop breathing. The hair on my arms became goose flesh.

CLUNK. CLUNK. CLUNK.

I turned around and screamed like I was getting murdered because I’m probably about to be. There was a tall woman. She was wearing black jeans, Adidas sneakers, a black Adidas running jacket, and of course sunglasses. Typical murder get up according to Criminal Minds and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit and this was not the time to start thinking about that. I fished around in my pocket while maintaining complete sunglass-contact with this crazy lady. Found it. I’m so glad my dad made me put the pepper-spray on my keychain.

Slowly she starts to step towards me and I started stepping to the side. If I can switch places with her and run into the water with Henry I’ll be safe. Henry may not be a guard dog and have a loud bark like I wanted but he can protect me. Or at least I hope he will. Step one for me and two steps for her. Okay that isn’t good.

“Uh hi” I said

“Hi” she said

“What can I do for you?” I asked politely. No need to sound mean or nasty when this lady can knock me off at any moment. Why rush it?

“Give me your wallet.” She said. Is that what she’s after? My wallet? I live two minutes away so I didn’t bring my wallet. I walked here with my alligator.

“I don’t have it. I walked here.”

I side stepped again but smaller so she couldn’t see it.

“Yes you do” she said

The gazebo stopped shaking or I started too just as badly.

“No I don’t.” step again.

That’s when she lunged at me. My soul jumped out of my body and my banshee scream cued the ducks to start hurdling in the air. SPLASH. SPLASH. SPLASH. I must have scared Henry too. I launch myself towards the gazebo entrance like a hyena sneaking up on a juicy antelope. Without stealth and a little off balance. As I run out, Henry dashes in. He stops a few feet in looking up and down at my attempted robber; assessing the situation and drawing his own conclusions.

My robber freaks out. She start waving her hands in the air to scare Henry away. This only made him angry and he started hissing at her. Well this was new. I’ve never heard him hiss before. Ms. Robber was jumping up and down making threatening moves towards him to get to me. Henry started beating his tail around showing his aggression. Ms. Robber stops moving. She must have gotten the message that Henry isn’t scared of her little body. But before I blink Henry leaps at the robber attaching to her leg; bring her down to the ground with a loud thud. Thrashing Ms. Robber’s body around like a rag doll, blood was spraying like a sprinkler in summer. Henry must have hit a fatal artery. CRAP.

“HENRY DROP IT” I yell.

He let go of the shredded leg. Stepping back two paces he eyed Ms. Robber who is now screaming like her leg just got attacked by an alligator. But at least she was down.

I reach for my phone to call the police. In short staccato sentences I attempt to replay the events to the operator. I started to panic. They’re going to call animal control and take Henry away! I can’t let that happen. I strapped him back into his harness and attached his leash. I look over and my robber’s body is lying limp.

In 10 minutes an ambulance and sheriff was on scene and carrying Ms. Robber’s body away. Henry killed her. He really killed someone. I can’t blame him. I can’t be angry. I’m worried though. He’s an alligator that just killed someone.

Holding onto Henry's leash with Henry on the other end, I walk over to the police officer.

“Can I bring Henry home now?” I asked him

“Yeah we’re all set.” He said not even looking at me.

“What’s going to happen to Henry?” I ask

“That thing has a name?” The officer ask in horror, or maybe it was shock.

“Yes” I said. Why is that a problem? He shakes his head as if he couldn’t understand why I named my alligator.

“Your alligator, uh Henry, saved your life. We’re treating this like a self-defense case.” I sucked in my breath. He can’t be serious.

“And because you can’t take an alligator to court we have to let him go.” He end with a note of finality.

My heart broke. Henry was going to live. I was freaking out for the last hour thinking that they were going to shoot him dead because he killed a human life. But instead, the officer is going to let Henry and I go free. I started to cry for Henry's safety. Henry is safe. I was able to breath evenly again and not breath out in shallow gasp.

Two weeks later I pulled into the Pet Supplies Plus parking lot in the rear so henry can have room to get out. If I’m getting him a friend he should have a say on the species and who. I can’t make all of his decisions. Stalking into the over populated pet store Henry starts to make a B-line towards the back. Does he remember this place? Is it the smell? Patrons parted like the Red Sea as Henry bolted down the aisle. Little kids with fear written across their face where begging their parents to pick them up. Henry wasn’t a monster, they were. Kids leave a path of destruction wherever they go while Henry just glides right on through. He may have killed someone but he was a good boy. Walking to keep up with his gallop, I follow him into the back of the store. That’s when he froze and I started to laugh.  Henry’s eyes light up with hearts. About 30 feet away was another alligator.

We named her Shelby.

[malumterrams]

So. This has nothing to do with writing or rp or inspiration of faceclaims.

But I’m venting here, because I do need to vent. This may not be coherent, I just need to write it down.

Some of you know what’s going on, some of you do not. Some of you don’t know the extent. Potentially triggering content below? Mentions of death, and illness.

I’m not working right now. I haven’t for a while, because I’ve been a full time caregiver for my grandmother.

So my grandma’s health has been declining for a while, she just got out of the hospital for the fourth time since June. Basically my Dad and I are taking turns living with her bc she can’t be alone. She’s 94.

They gave her a catheter for her heart. That turned out to be all they could do. The valve is calcified, but they couldn’t do the treatment they wanted because it turns out the valve is leaky and the blood flow would be too much.

She’d basically drown in her own blood.

They said other than that, she’s in pretty good shape for someone of her age. They said that we should do what we can to make sure the rest of her life is comfortable.

When asked, he said that could be anywhere from three months to three years. So that’s fun.

Really fun.

They were talking hospice, but then settled on palliative care which isn’t as “she’s gonna croak soon” as hospice. So that’s nice I guess. They can actually do it in home so she doesn’t have to move anywhere and can stay comfyish.

It’s the uncertainty of the whole thing that miffs me.

“3 months to 3 years”

Well there’s a big fuckin difference, doc.

She came home today. It took her 20 minutes to get in the house, even with my Dad and I helping her. She couldn't move her feet even.

She can't stand up straight, I was in front of her with my dad behind her as we helped her in the house and it was like she was head butting me in the stomach the way she was bent over. She was hyperventilating even with the oxygen. The one aid lady probably shouldn't be living alone, and should move into a facility. Of course she shut that down.

She refuses to move in any home, or even with us. So basically, we moved in with her.

Aid lady said that then she should at least have one of those life alert buttons. Again, no. She admitted it's easier getting into a hospital bed, but she still refused one. She agreed to a recliner. I think they're going to have physical therapy for her, and an aid who can be on call 24/7.

I wouldn't be surprised if she died tonight. There is no way she should have been released from the hospital, but there’s really nothing left that can be done aside from making her comfortable for however long she has left.

I left her with my dad and excused myself in because I'm had an anxiety attack. Once I came down from that I went to see Bohemian Rhapsody, which is a very good film, and that’s where I’m at rn.

Went home for the night, visiting my mom and sister. I’ll go back in the morning.

It won’t be the first time I’ve lost a loved one. It’s not the first time I’ve had to watch them decline.

This was so hands on though, because I had been taking care of her, and there’s really nothing left I can do. I feel so fucking helpless and I know she’s had a long life and I should be thankful for that and for whatever time we have left with her but I just.

Fuck it, y’know?

Fuck it up the ass with a rusty spork. I’m not ready to lose her. No one’s ever ready, but it’s just. Y’know. And I’m going to be a wreck. My dad’s going to be a wreck. Everyone.

And I honestly don’t know how we’ll recover, and go on. My dad’s in his late sixties now. I’m worried about how health. It’s just.

I hate all of this.

And I know some of you have lost loved ones, and seen them decline. I know I’m not alone in how I’m feeling right now, that it’s a thing.

My grandma just has always seemed so invincible, y’know?

For some perspective? She beat ovarian cancer. They didn’t think she was going to make it past 75.

She’s survived 2 heart attacks. She had bypass surgery. Congestive heart failure. She has diabetes. She’s had pneumonia three times that I can remember.

She’s broken her hip and had it replaced. She had a broken ankle. Falls where she’s not broken anything, but was pretty fuckin’ bruised up.

She’s like the energizer bunny, she just keeps going... and now she isn’t. Now she’s barely mobile.

And I know what she’s survived is impressive, again, I should be thankful.

It just. There are no words to describe the feeling.

She won’t be there at my wedding, if I ever get married. I reconciled that. She won’t be there at my sister’s wedding. If my sister ever has kids, she won’t live to see them.

She’s gotten to know all her other great grandchildren, but hey.

She won’t do word searches anymore, she goes through a book in less than a week.

All her actual books, there are literally hundreds. Maybe into the thousands. What are we going to do with those? Donate them? I doubt anyone will want them, some are over 50 years old, but we’ll see.

Her furniture. We can take some of that, I guess. Her clothes. Idk.

I’m not going to go over every other night, watch reruns of Match Game on the Buzzer network.

Andy Griffith on MeTV and TV Land.

All the TLC shows. Little people. Obese people. Big families, and saying yes to dresses. People marrying people they’ve known for 90 days.

I won’t get up in the morning and pour a bowl of corn flakes, with evaporated milk, which is just the grossest thing ever.

I won’t be forced to watch The Talk or all the CBS soaps. I won’t be kept up to date on what’s going on with that crusty bastard, Victor Newman.

A part of me will die with her. Part of me is declining with her. There’s not a fucking thing I can do about that.

I can love her, keep her happy and comfy, spend time with her.

This is going to hurt like a motherfucker, to quote one Michael Scott. That’s a massive understatement.

I haven’t gotten over the death of my cat, nearly four years ago. I have his paw print framed on my night stand. The little bell on his collar is now on my key ring. I had that cat since I was 4 years old. I’m 24 now. Do the math.

I’ve lost my great uncle, who was the closest thing I ever had to a grandpa, because both of mine passed before I was born. He adored me, because he and his wife never had kids of their own, so no grandkids. I lost my step-grandpa on my mom’s side. Same thing. I lost my great aunt, the aforementioned great uncle’s wife.

My cousin, who I’m quite close to, lost his wife. Cancer. Started in her breast, she fought it for years. It made it’s way to her brain when it killed her. She was in her thirties. Left behind two kids.

And those fucking hurt. My grandma, though. This is going to be in a league of it’s own. Nothing could come close to it. And I’m not ready for that pain. I’m not ready to see my dad experience that pain.

It’s painful enough watching her decline, but when she goes, and when she’s just not here.

I don’t fucking know.

[evelyntransitions-blog]

Day 29 Thanksgiving

So turkey day. Generally speaking-pretty damn good, but really awkward. 

           I woke up that day on a really tiny bed at my parents house, showered and took a hot steamy dump. While on the John my mom calls out to me “Hey *deadname* (whhyyyyyy ahh she was doing so good) take your time, we won’t be leaving for a while. Oh yes, you know what that means? HAZZAH Animal Crossing Pocket Camp by Nintendo. I played it briefly the nights before, and now had some time slam jam the shit out of this game within the next few hours. Oh yes, today would be the day I get that cute ass elephant beetch’ to level 7 so she’d take her shirt off for...I mean give me her shirt. Same with the cute pig girl. They’re some of my favorites along with Lilly the frog, who was the shit back in my New Leaf game.           So there went a few hours of my life, post getting dressed. After that car ride with my parents, very awkward. Luckily in the past few years they started getting along a ton better, but in the past car rides for some reason always made them want to kill each other more than usual. Not this time though. I think it was because, about a year back my Dad jumped off a roof after my Mom fell to try to save her/get to her. It was pretty heroic. Needless to say she only got a big welp on her butt and he broke his ankles (or maybe it was his legs). It was enough to ‘fix’ after month of physical therapy, but he never walked the same, he had like a metal peg rest thing. I could never totally despise him after that, and could confirm at the very least he loved my mom in some way or another. He was humble for a few months while his legs were fucked as me and Mom took care of him. After the fact he went back to being a huge butthole, but, needless to say car rides were a lot nicer.           Went we went to my Aunts first and were greeted by her yippy ass Chiwawas. Her dogs unlike ours are kinda mean, but they’re not totally bitey as long as you give them their space, and if you’re lucky they’ll sit on your lap (I had that happen to me too). -I’m going to be brief about this experience from here forward because I need to get ready for an opening shift at work- I made a mixed drink at my uncles downstairs bar, the bottom of the cup broke open on the living room floor later, we cleaned up the mess, I ate my aunts cooking, I had one of her dogs sit on my lap and we all had a conversation about the government of all things. My uncle happens to work for the government, but he can’t say what he does. The most we got out of him is that he doesn’t like Russia, as did none of us. To be frank no one in Murica’ likes Russia. He said I could work for the government at one point if I wanted, to which I responded “I’d rather not/wouldn’t like to.” He got back to me with a cold sounding (which is far different than his usual demanor) with a “Why is that?” Now, here’s where I choose my words carefully. The sentence “Oh well because i’m a big (non violent) green anarchy loving rebel at most and libertarian favoring at least person. I’d like to grow my own food, bottle rain water (despite old mining laws that were never adjusted), and have churches house people without having certain faclilities. But instead i’m faced with a nasty police state filled, lead by mainpulative assholes from the power elite who only give people welfare to make them dependent and only support people rights if companies can market them. Not to mention between Black Wallstreet, that one college shooting way back when by military officials and the constant support of companies who destroy of private Native Land to spill oil all over the place with damaging the water and exerting power i’m kinda shot. Instead he got a “Eh, I just don’t like some of the stuff they did in the past.” That i’m crazy enough to vote for Gary Johnson but not crazy enough to burn things or hurt people (maybe fight Neo-Nazis in the future if they attack me or my friends/family) It was left at that. I was nice enough however to give him some info on Trump and some of alt-right shit I was able to dig up but didn’t get the chance to talk to him. I want to add him on facebook, but he’ll probably look at me weird once he sees i’m trying to watch who wins the annual “Battle of the balls” on the anarchy ball facebook page. -Shit I gotta get moving- After that we went to my grandmas. Talked to grandma about life. She told us a story about a weird aunt who got possessed by a demon or is mentally ill. I told her what I know about the subject because I had to deal with some spooky stuff I knew a while back. Hugged her and my grandpa, and ate a bit more food. Went to my best friends house some time after. Ate a bunch more good, snuggled my best friend, went on a car ride with him and his grandpa who’s really conservative and told us about serving the country, voting and his hatrid of nazis. Best friend and his Grandpa talked about a family member of his who transitoned and my best friend ended up telling his Grandpa to show him he understood the subject because his Grandpa was too sad and upset with his family members death to listen otherwise. Went to another really close friends house, talked about art and shit, and more hugs and snuggles. Also talked about sex/dicks because, that always come up when she’s around. Went back to best friends house, got food and then headed home. Okay time to get ready for work. I’ll talk about yesterday later.

[fesahaawit]

Good Grief and Financial Discipline

This is a guest post from my friend Mrs. Picky Pincher. It couldn’t be more timely for me, and I appreciate her willingness to open up and share this part of her story with us. <3

My mom was never one for jewelry. But, on one chilly November morning, I remember clutching to her necklace until my knuckles were white. It was Black Friday and we’d just celebrated Thanksgiving with our family the day before. But there we were, in the ER of the hospital, getting the worst news you could imagine. A very sympathetic doctor explained that my mom died, and there wasn’t anything else they could do.

Everyone asks how it feels to go through something like that. Crying isn’t always the first reaction, either. My initial reaction was to vomit. For a good 30 minutes, all I wanted to do was hurl. I was in shock, and I remember I couldn’t even cry until the next day, when I sorted through my mom’s things.

That’s when we discovered she had a prescription painkiller addiction, which ended up killing her.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t have a fantastic relationship with my mom. She had an untreated mental illness that made her impossible to be around. She was the antagonist of our lives and was a source of near-constant abuse. I could write a book of all the terrible things we went through with her.

But she was still my mom. I mourned the loss of any salvageable relationship with the person who put me on Earth. I mourned that she didn’t get help. I mourned that my children would never know her.

The one piece of comfort I got was from holding her jewelry. It was gaudy stuff made in the 90s, but it didn’t matter. I held onto the bedazzled pearl earrings and a chunky Arabian gold necklace and, for a moment, it felt like I was holding my mom’s hand. Physical objects soothed me; I could touch them and briefly numb the tornado of thoughts and sadness and questions.

Time really is the only thing that soothes grief. It teaches you that life does go on, and that everything is okay.

Unless, of course, something skips along and rips your healing heart to pieces, and that’s what happened to me.

A few months after my mom died, I lost my amazing grandma to a very long, hard battle with breast cancer (but I like to remember her for her Oklahoma drawl and how she cussed when she lost at a game of dominoes). My aunt died from kidney disease two months after that, and my great-grandma died from old age a few weeks later. Oh, and our dogs died after that, too.

Good Grief

Daily life looks different when you’re grieving and everyone grieves in a different way. My dad would take hour-long showers and blare sad country music before disappearing for a week. My sister was 8 months pregnant at the time and tended to my four-year-old niece who didn’t understand what was happening. I retreated into my love of video games and just wanted to sit all day. We lost interest in food and were scared of people and the world. We didn’t even celebrate Christmas that year.

I gained an appreciation for silence. After so much loss, you’re grateful for any second that you’re not on the phone with a preacher planning a funeral.

I wasn’t ticked off when people cut me off in traffic. I didn’t care when I stepped in a giant wad of gum in the parking lot. I jammed my finger in a door and shrugged it off. Grief gives you an amazing numbness and resilience to daily annoyances. And to be honest, I kind of miss that.

Unfortunately, my grief led me into the bright, shiny world of shopping. I latched onto my mom’s jewelry after her passing. After a while, the comfort I got from these objects waned, but I thirsted for the feelings of comfort again.

The world was a scary place that could rip anyone away from you – but it couldn’t take away my new stuff.

The $1,000 Amazon Bill

I was in college at the time and that meant I had a cheap Amazon Prime membership. It started out innocently enough: I bought a shiny piece of costume jewelry that I really loved. Boom! It was on my dorm doorstep in two days. I felt amazing. For a few hours, I felt a rush of comfort and excitement that I so craved.

So, I kept shopping.

I got an instant high each time I received a package. I loved the anticipation of knowing I had an item on the way; it was like knowing someone was sending me a big, juicy birthday present. I mostly bought jewelry, but I also bought random crap like hair extensions (that didn’t match my hair), dresses (that didn’t fit me), and self-tanning lotion (that turned me Oompa Loompa orange).

This habit continued for several years. I would try to cut back, but Amazon’s deal emails reeled me in each time. By the time I graduated from college, I spent over $1,000 just on Amazon trinkets that engorged my closet. I now had my “big girl” job out of college and no longer had access to daddy’s money. I could barely afford to buy groceries, let alone buy $50-worth of earrings!

I had a problem.

Getting Whipped Into Shape

To cure my shopping habit, I had to look inside myself. I realized that I was really shopping for a sense of comfort, confidence, and stability. It cost me $1,000 to learn that these things didn’t come from Amazon Two-Day Shipping: it was something I had to create for myself and with the people around me.

I couldn’t buy good feelings. That realization was scary and so, so upsetting. I was adjusting to the adult world and sobbed the first time I filed taxes. I wanted to clutch to my shopping habit like a flimsy life jacket, but I knew it wouldn’t save me against the tsunami of the real world.

I made a few changes in my life, and that’s ultimately what saved me.

1. I made barriers to convenience.

This included removing all of my online payment information from Amazon, as well as my browser. I even put my debt and credit cards in a safe and locked ’em up. I switched to a cash-only envelope system for a year to quit my shopping habit cold turkey. It’s hard to buy non-essentials when all of your money is locked up!

2. I got help.

There are times in life when you need to ask for help. I saw a grief counselor who helped me work through my tumultuous emotions. We worked through my anxiety and depression issues and I learned how to cope with my feelings in a healthy way.

3. I trusted people.

Impulse shopping was just as much about money as it was about working through my grief.

With so much loss in a short amount of time, I realized I had never processed what happened. I let the sadness form into a heavy ball and chain around my ankles. It followed me everywhere for years. I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone and I was so afraid to make friends and then lose them. It seemed better to not live life and avoid loss than to live and risk losing something.

Meeting my husband really was a game changer for me. I learned how to relate to others again and to trust. I got the sense of comfort that I was looking for all along, thanks to taking a chance on living again.

Big life events change people. Grief and loss are probably the most earth-shattering things that can happen in our lives, and everyone deals with them differently. Too often I think grief makes us develop unhealthy habits or thoughts. Your brain just doesn’t function the same way. It’s a journey of learning how to both come to terms with your life and emotions, as well as healing the side effects of grief (like shopping).

It’s been a long road, and I still have a long way to go. It’s been six years since I lost everyone. Time makes the sadness easier, but it will never be easy.

Mrs. Picky Pincher is the blogger and money-saving maven behind Picky Pinchers. She writes about living the good life while paying off $225,000 of debt.

Good Grief and Financial Discipline posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ

[bxnzxmb]

Answer them all :)

1:        When you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?   More Cereal

2:        do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?    No

3:        what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?    Napkins or pencils

4:        how do you take your coffee/tea?    With soy milk

5:        are you self-conscious of your smile?    self conscious about everything tbh

6:        do you keep plants?  only a cactus i’ve had in my back year for about 10 years

7:        do you name your plants?    no

8:        what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?    nothing really I try to write but its usually really bad lol

9:        do you like singing/humming to yourself?  singing, but I usually forget the words but that doesn’t stop me

10:        do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?    back and side but never my stomach that hurts my neck

11:        what's an inner joke you have with your friends?    can’t tell you its an inner joke

12:        what's your favorite planet?   Earth. But also Mars and Jupiter: more so for the mythology.

13:        what's something that made you smile today?   seeing my dog

14:        if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?  a mattress and computer table only surrounded by empty beer bottles 

15:        go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!    99% of our solar system's mass is the sun

16:        what's your favorite pasta dish?    Ravioli

17:        what color do you really want to dye your hair?    I want to bleach my hair but i think my skin is too dark

18:        tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. My best friend had answers for all the tests and she knew I was struggling but didn’t tell me and watched me struggle. Never letting that go

19:        do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?    No

20:        what's your favorite eye color?    It used to be green then blue but now Im in love with brown eyes

21:        talk about your favorite bag, the one that's been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.    No tengo

22:        are you a morning person?    Only if im still up from last night

23:        what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?    Sleep

24:        is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?    No

25:        what's the weirdest place you've ever broken into?    Some weird place downtown that was filled with Japanese people that didn’t speak any English at all

26:        what are the shoes you've had for forever and wear with every single outfit?    dont have em

27:        what's your favorite bubblegum flavor?    Green- spearmint

28:        sunrise or sunset?  Both are beautiful in their own way 

29:        what's something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?  Checks my blog daily LOL 

30:        think of it: have you ever been  truly scared?   Yes

31:        what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.    I like black socks and I only throw away my socks when they start to get holes in them. I can’t sleep in socks I feel restricted, kinda like wearing pants when I sleep.

32:        tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.   Nothing good happens after 2AM

33:        what's your fave pastry? Cheese danish   

34:        tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?     I was a pink bunny I used to wrestle with because I used to think wrestling was real

35:        do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?    I like smooth writing black ink pens

36:        which band's sound would fit your mood right now?    Listening to Radiohead rn but more in the mood for some slow classical music rn tbh

37:        do you like keeping your room messy or clean?    Clean but it tends to stay messy

38:        tell us about your pet peeves!    Hippocrates- more so people who tell me they HATE something and then love it soon after, like come on have some values!

39:        what color do you wear the most?  Black/grey 

40:        think of a piece of jewelry you own: what's it's story? does it have any meaning to you?    I dont wear jewelry

41:        what's the last book you remember really, really loving?    Killing the Rising Sun

42:        do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!   Coffee shops are too glorified on this website, I like making my own coffee to be completely honest

43:        who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?  Someone no longer in my life

44:        when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?  Only recently, first time in years

45:        do you trust your instincts a lot?    I try not to because I tend to be wrong about people alot

46:        tell us the worst pun you can think of.    Amanda LOL

47:        what food do you think should be banned from the universe? forget that we need to ban fireball   

48:        what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?   As a kid it was death, today its life. Quite the opposite.

49:        do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?    Never bought physical music. ( or digital)

50:        what's an odd thing you collect?  I keep my old chapsticks( the ones I dont lose) because those smells can take me back to moments in my life.

51:        think of a person. what song do you associate with them?    Ophelia

52:        what are your favorite memes of the year so far?    hm, probably the darth kermit that one took my by surprise

53:        have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show?  heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?   Dont understand this, so im guessing no

54:        who's the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?   My dog when I left this morning ahah

55:        what's the most dramatic thing you've ever done to prove a point?    Broken up/ blocked someone

56:        what are some things you find endearing in people?    seeing them genuinely care without wanting something in return

57:        go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?    Took me a while to like this song

58:        who's the wine mom and who's the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?    Kylie old grandma, vodka is nikki because of her gluten allergy lol

59:        what's your favorite myth?  Can’t pick one

60:        do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?    Very much so, can’t recall on the top of my head

61:        what's the stupidest gift you've ever given? the stupidest one you've ever received?    Hm pretty content with both tbh.

62:        do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?    only coffee

63:        are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?    not really, Ill organize them when im bored

64:        what color is the sky where you are right now?    Dark blue?

65:        is there anyone you haven't seen in a long time who you'd love to hang out with?    ya

66:        what would your ideal flower crown look like?    idk

67:        how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?    sleepy and horny and lazy

68:        what's winter like where you live?   50 degrees F with chance of rain

69:        what are your favorite board games?    Monopoly

70:        have you ever used a ouija board?    No

71:        what's your favorite kind of tea?    Thai or earl grey

72:        are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you'll forget it?    Usually I have a pretty good memory

73:        what are some of your worst habits? Thinking of impossible scenarios in my mind   

74:        describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.    caring, loving, protective

75:        tell us about your pets!    I have a 9 month old rottweiler who keeps me very happy and I want to get another dog soon, between a golden retriever, German shepherd or cane corso.

76:        is there anything you should be doing right now but aren't?    Not really, I’ve been very responsible today

77:        pink or yellow lemonade?    yelllow

78:        are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?    Honorary member of the fan club

79:        what's one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? brought me food when I told them I never want to see them again :D   

80:        what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?    Light green, because I want something to keep me happy and a soothing color. Something that will mellow me out. Yes I chose it.

81:        describe one of your friend's eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.    Beautiful, like another world

82:        are/were you good in school?  Depends really

83:        what's some of your favorite album art?  Usually Jay-z has artsy stuff. 

84:        are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?    Im torn on this

85:        do you read comics? what are your faves?    I barely started reading books lol

86:        do you like concept albums? which ones?    Prefer them.

87:        what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?   Star Wars (1-3) 

88:        are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?   Love abstract and street art

89:        are you close to your parents?    Yes

90:        talk about your one of you favorite cities.    Apart from my own city, I think I love vegas, It’s filled with all types of people. Everyone is doing whatever they want to try to make themselves happy. Kinda like a heaven and hell mixed together.

91:        where do you plan on traveling this year?    Nothing in mind, maybe to canada or UK

92:        are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?    Drown

93:        what's the hairstyle you wear the most?    The i just woke up one

94:        who was the last person you know to have a birthday?    My cousins birthday is today

95:        what are your plans for this weekend?  hm, nothing really, just get through it.

96:        do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?    Remind me later

97:        myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?    Taurus

98:        when's the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?    Very much so I went with my friends and we all brought our doggies

99:        list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.    It depends really

100:        if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?    I really want to say forward which is something i’ve never thought I’d even consider. With that being sad, going back is always “easier” due to the fact that you’ve done it before and are familiar with upcoming events.

[fesahaawit]

Good Grief and Financial Discipline

This is a guest post from my friend Mrs. Picky Pincher. It couldn’t be more timely for me, and I appreciate her willingness to open up and share this part of her story with us. <3

My mom was never one for jewelry. But, on one chilly November morning, I remember clutching to her necklace until my knuckles were white. It was Black Friday and we’d just celebrated Thanksgiving with our family the day before. But there we were, in the ER of the hospital, getting the worst news you could imagine. A very sympathetic doctor explained that my mom died, and there wasn’t anything else they could do.

Everyone asks how it feels to go through something like that. Crying isn’t always the first reaction, either. My initial reaction was to vomit. For a good 30 minutes, all I wanted to do was hurl. I was in shock, and I remember I couldn’t even cry until the next day, when I sorted through my mom’s things.

That’s when we discovered she had a prescription painkiller addiction, which ended up killing her.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t have a fantastic relationship with my mom. She had an untreated mental illness that made her impossible to be around. She was the antagonist of our lives and was a source of near-constant abuse. I could write a book of all the terrible things we went through with her.

But she was still my mom. I mourned the loss of any salvageable relationship with the person who put me on Earth. I mourned that she didn’t get help. I mourned that my children would never know her.

The one piece of comfort I got was from holding her jewelry. It was gaudy stuff made in the 90s, but it didn’t matter. I held onto the bedazzled pearl earrings and a chunky Arabian gold necklace and, for a moment, it felt like I was holding my mom’s hand. Physical objects soothed me; I could touch them and briefly numb the tornado of thoughts and sadness and questions.

Time really is the only thing that soothes grief. It teaches you that life does go on, and that everything is okay.

Unless, of course, something skips along and rips your healing heart to pieces, and that’s what happened to me.

A few months after my mom died, I lost my amazing grandma to a very long, hard battle with breast cancer (but I like to remember her for her Oklahoma drawl and how she cussed when she lost at a game of dominoes). My aunt died from kidney disease two months after that, and my great-grandma died from old age a few weeks later. Oh, and our dogs died after that, too.

Good Grief

Daily life looks different when you’re grieving and everyone grieves in a different way. My dad would take hour-long showers and blare sad country music before disappearing for a week. My sister was 8 months pregnant at the time and tended to my four-year-old niece who didn’t understand what was happening. I retreated into my love of video games and just wanted to sit all day. We lost interest in food and were scared of people and the world. We didn’t even celebrate Christmas that year.

I gained an appreciation for silence. After so much loss, you’re grateful for any second that you’re not on the phone with a preacher planning a funeral.

I wasn’t ticked off when people cut me off in traffic. I didn’t care when I stepped in a giant wad of gum in the parking lot. I jammed my finger in a door and shrugged it off. Grief gives you an amazing numbness and resilience to daily annoyances. And to be honest, I kind of miss that.

Unfortunately, my grief led me into the bright, shiny world of shopping. I latched onto my mom’s jewelry after her passing. After a while, the comfort I got from these objects waned, but I thirsted for the feelings of comfort again.

The world was a scary place that could rip anyone away from you – but it couldn’t take away my new stuff.

The $1,000 Amazon Bill

I was in college at the time and that meant I had a cheap Amazon Prime membership. It started out innocently enough: I bought a shiny piece of costume jewelry that I really loved. Boom! It was on my dorm doorstep in two days. I felt amazing. For a few hours, I felt a rush of comfort and excitement that I so craved.

So, I kept shopping.

I got an instant high each time I received a package. I loved the anticipation of knowing I had an item on the way; it was like knowing someone was sending me a big, juicy birthday present. I mostly bought jewelry, but I also bought random crap like hair extensions (that didn’t match my hair), dresses (that didn’t fit me), and self-tanning lotion (that turned me Oompa Loompa orange).

This habit continued for several years. I would try to cut back, but Amazon’s deal emails reeled me in each time. By the time I graduated from college, I spent over $1,000 just on Amazon trinkets that engorged my closet. I now had my “big girl” job out of college and no longer had access to daddy’s money. I could barely afford to buy groceries, let alone buy $50-worth of earrings!

I had a problem.

Getting Whipped Into Shape

To cure my shopping habit, I had to look inside myself. I realized that I was really shopping for a sense of comfort, confidence, and stability. It cost me $1,000 to learn that these things didn’t come from Amazon Two-Day Shipping: it was something I had to create for myself and with the people around me.

I couldn’t buy good feelings. That realization was scary and so, so upsetting. I was adjusting to the adult world and sobbed the first time I filed taxes. I wanted to clutch to my shopping habit like a flimsy life jacket, but I knew it wouldn’t save me against the tsunami of the real world.

I made a few changes in my life, and that’s ultimately what saved me.

1. I made barriers to convenience.

This included removing all of my online payment information from Amazon, as well as my browser. I even put my debt and credit cards in a safe and locked ’em up. I switched to a cash-only envelope system for a year to quit my shopping habit cold turkey. It’s hard to buy non-essentials when all of your money is locked up!

2. I got help.

There are times in life when you need to ask for help. I saw a grief counselor who helped me work through my tumultuous emotions. We worked through my anxiety and depression issues and I learned how to cope with my feelings in a healthy way.

3. I trusted people.

Impulse shopping was just as much about money as it was about working through my grief.

With so much loss in a short amount of time, I realized I had never processed what happened. I let the sadness form into a heavy ball and chain around my ankles. It followed me everywhere for years. I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone and I was so afraid to make friends and then lose them. It seemed better to not live life and avoid loss than to live and risk losing something.

Meeting my husband really was a game changer for me. I learned how to relate to others again and to trust. I got the sense of comfort that I was looking for all along, thanks to taking a chance on living again.

Big life events change people. Grief and loss are probably the most earth-shattering things that can happen in our lives, and everyone deals with them differently. Too often I think grief makes us develop unhealthy habits or thoughts. Your brain just doesn’t function the same way. It’s a journey of learning how to both come to terms with your life and emotions, as well as healing the side effects of grief (like shopping).

It’s been a long road, and I still have a long way to go. It’s been six years since I lost everyone. Time makes the sadness easier, but it will never be easy.

Mrs. Picky Pincher is the blogger and money-saving maven behind Picky Pinchers. She writes about living the good life while paying off $225,000 of debt.

Good Grief and Financial Discipline posted first on http://ift.tt/2lnwIdQ