#this game has a deathgrip on me i swear

[totentnz]

listen im a northside apartment enjoyer (as all silverv enjoyers should be) but there is just something about the og apartment thats very dear to my heart and im not talking about nibbles, the lizard and all of the LI "easter eggs" that are there... yes in part it's because that's v's first second home after coming back from atlanta and jackie having been there but also it fits my v almost perfectly. foodstalls right outside your doorstep? the gunstore just a few stairs down? the "weird" neighbours? someone getting arrested DAILY? the proximity to vik and misty? the mural right next to your door? IT HAS ME FUCKED UP

[powerwordsleep]

naruto!DnD au

the team 7!DnD verse that nobody @baasama asked for

and because there’s already some stuff out there that’s completely terrible not only for team 7, but also DnD, so i felt the need to do right by both.

Three travelers stand alone on a vast cliff, a smoke-darkened sky above and an endless drop to death below. Blood, dirt, and weeks worth of grime litters their skin and clothes. Their journey has been long, perilous, unrelenting, but they finally made it to the end. Victory beckons them. The promise of peace, happiness, and a not ungenerous sum of gold is only one more fight away. One more dance of kill or be killed.

The horizon dances red with the flames of the nearby villages burning below them. They had managed to evacuate most of the civilians before the attack began, but they had passed by more than a few charred, burned beyond recognition bodies on their trek up the mountain. Each fallen they passed only hardened their resolve.

The sound of an earth-shaking roar escapes from the mouth of the cave in front of them. The ground quakes as the footsteps of something giant stalks forward to meet its challengers. A large red snout appears first, shining like the blood running in the streets below, and the lips spread in a bloodthirsty grimace, revealing a row of sharp, glistening fangs. The creature growls in what is meant to be a chuckle, a plume of smoke shooting out of its nostrils and into the faces of the three tiny figures before it.

“So, you’ve arrived at last.”

One figure steps forward, seemingly unafraid even in the face a would-be god. “Yeah, we’ve come to put an end to your stupid reign of violence and bloodshed and… stupidness!” The man puffs out his chest in bravado. “Believe it!”

“Idiot,” his companion scoffs from behind. “It’s not a great idea to threaten a dragon right to its face.”

“Shut up, Lucien!” the first man whips around to glare. “What are you, scared of some lizard action?”

The man called Lucien seethes. “No, Markus, I just don’t have a death wish!”

Markus turns to face Lucien completely, the large, foreboding, capable of ending the world as they know it enemy front of them forgotten.

“How many times do I have to tell you, my name is Markus Ultimate!”

“As if I would use that ridiculous name -”

“Do you wanna fucking go? Do you wanna fucking brawl right here Lucien because I swear to god-”

“Will the two of you shut up!” the third member of the party interrupts. “We do not have time for petty squabbles when there’s a dragon to fight!”

“Aww, but Nila, Lucien is being a dick again!” Markus Ultimate whines.

The woman called Nila sighs, having heard this song many times before. “Sorry, Markus Ultimate, but Lucien kind of has a point. We should have gone with his idea and tried to find a back entrance and sneak in, rather than face this thing head on.”

Lucien raises his chin in triumph and Markus Ultimate, eyes daring him to make another snarky remark. Markus Ultimate pouts and mutters, “You’re just siding with Lucien because you’re sleeping with him in real life.”

A cacophony of groans, sighs, and indignant shouts ruin whatever slim illusion of in-game fantasy they had managed to immerse themselves in. Kakashi sighs and rubs at his exposed eyebrow, his headache sure to make a reappearance.

“Naruto, that was completely uncalled for! You know what we said about breaking character like that, and besides, I do not give special preference to Sasuke just because-”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Naruto cuts of Sakura’s rant. “You boning Sasuke on the regular isn’t affecting Nila and Lucien’s relationship at all.”

“Why are you so fixated on our sex life, deadlast?” Sasuke accuses, one eyebrow twitching in both anger and disgust. “Stay out of our business.”

Naruto turns red and ignores Sasuke’s comment in favor of shouting at Kakashi, as if all of this was somehow his fault, “Let’s get back to the game already, Kakashi-sensei! We got a dragon to fight!”

“Everyone roll initiative,” Kakashi says before the argument can get any worse. Like addressing whatever weird tension that last comment had triggered.

Kakashi is getting too old for this.

“14,” Sakura says.

“Aww, man, I got a 12,” Naruto groans.

“It’s not a competition, Naruto,” Kakashi reminds him. For the 100th time.

“But if it was I would kick your ass. 21.” Sasuke just has to so unhelpfully egg him on.

Naruto predictably takes the bait. “Hey that’s unfair! Sasuke is cheating!”

Sakura rolls her eyes and gestures to the dice. “No, he’s not. He rolled an 17 and gets a +4 to initiative because he has high Dex as a Rogue.”

Sasuke smirks across the table. “Maybe you shouldn’t have chosen to be a Bard if you’re so upset about it.”

“Alright, Sasuke you’re up first.”

Sasuke peers over the map set up on the table and considers his position. “Do I have enough movement to get to those clusters of rocks over there?”

“Yes, but if you want to try and hide you have to roll with disadvantage because the dragon is right there -”

“23.”

Kakashi sighs. “Alright, you’ve somehow successfully hidden behind the rocks, because the dragon was distracted by Markus Ultimate making a scene.”

Naruto slaps the table in glee. “Ha! You’re welcome, Lucien.”

Kakashi politely coughs to reign in their attention. “Next is the dragon’s turn.”

His three former students lean in, eager to see what the first move will be. “The dragon steps fully out of the cave, his full height towering 20 feet above you. He makes two claw attacks at you, Markus Ultimate, and swipes his tail at you, Nila.”

Kakashi rolls his die behind the privacy screen. “18 and 16 to hit for you Markus -”

“It’s Markus Ultimate!”

“- and 21 for you, Nila.”

Sakura grimaces as she checks her character sheet. “Hits.”

“You take 14 points of slashing damage as the dragon swings his tail over the cliff and slams into your torso.”

Sakura marks down the damage on her sheet and Kakashi looks expectantly at Naruto.

He’s smirking. Never a good sign.

“I cast Vicious Mockery on the dragon and say, ‘Get wrecked, you gecko!’”

Kakashi rolls his D20 and audibly groans when the dice comes to a stop.

“The dragon fails the save.” Naruto whoops in celebration. “As his claws race towards you, you say your, um, chant, and it disturbs the dragon enough that you are able to evade and reduce some of the damage.”

“Your turn, Nila.”

Sakura grins and rubs her hands together in anticipation. “Watch how it’s done, boys! I move to the dragon and take two swipes at it with my sword.”

“Roll for both attacks.”

They watch as Sakura rolls the die. “10 and 17!” Sakura says, and in sync all three head turn towards the DM, eagerly awaiting the result.

“The first one misses,” he begins and they nod, having expected that,”and the second one…” Kakashi swears they’re about to fall out of their seats. “Hits.”

“Yes!” Sakura pumps her fist up in the air. “And I cast Divine Smite!”

“Roll the extra d8s of damage.”

Sasuke passes her the extra die and Naruto gives a, “Hell yeah, Nila!” of encouragement.

After the damage is calculated Kakashi addresses Naruto. “Your turn, Markus Ultimate.”

Naruto is silent for a few moments, which is probably a new record for him. When he speaks, is low and serious.

“I walk forward in front of the dragon.”

“Don’t you dare, Naruto,” Sasuke warns. An impending sense of doom begins to overtake Kakashi.

“I say, ‘Hey dude, this here, this thing you’re doing, it’s like not very cool. In fact, it sucks. Cause people are cool, you know? You could be friends with people, instead of burning them and shit. It’s actually a lot more fun! Do you have any friends? I could be your friend! I understand the pain of loneliness. You’re just like me -’”

“You can’t be serious.” Sasuke says.

“Naruto, please,” Sakura begs.

Naruto doesn’t take his eyes off Kakashi.

“Roll a persuasion check.”

Naruto grabs his dice. Sasuke turns aways, muttering, “I can’t freaking watch this,” while Sakura holds his hand in a deathgrip. Kakashi can feel his hairline receding.

He dice leaves Naruto’s hand, falls to the table, bounces, once, twice, then rolls, swaying on one of its edges, before it falls to one side and comes to a stop.

Their eyes lock onto the number displayed.

“No, it can’t be,” Sakura whispers, horrified.

“I’m fucking done,” Sasuke says and leaves his seat.

“HELL YEAH!” Naruto yells, jumping out of his seat.

Kakashi blinks, rubs are his eye, and leans forward. Just to check. To really make sure this is happening.

20.

Naruto managed to roll a natural 20.

“Add your Charisma modifier.” Kakashi reminds Naruto mid victory dance.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Naruto grabs his crumpled and ripped character sheet and scans for the correct number. “Umm so the total is a 25!”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Sakura plops her head on the table, defeated.

“I haven’t even made an attack!” Sasuke yells from the other room.

Kakashi can’t blame them for their reactions. After all the weeks of careful planning he had done, after all the character building and development of the story, leading up to the final, epic battle and…

Naruto talks their way out of it.

Again.

“The dragon is… touched by your eloquent speech. He decides he’d like to be friends even though he was trying to destroy you and your world a second ago. I guess.”

“Whoooo!” Naruto cheers. “Great fight guys, yeah? That was so much fun.”

Sakura glares at Naruto. There’s a crash from the other room, presumably from Sasuke throwing a fit.

Kakashi gathers his myriad of campaign note papers in front of him, then in a blur of hand signs sets them ablaze in a quick fire jutsu.

Time to start preparing for the next campaign.