#this fan series was literally my childhood. i remember years ago staying up late (which for me was past like. 10 pm)

[shxdowedterios]

Shout out to series with different outfits, gotta be one of my favorite things ever -

(I started watching Ask the Sonic Heroes again and the lil seasonal outfits are my favorite thing ever. I'm going to try and draw them all, starting with Amy's alternates.)

This one is from Episode 8, which was the first Valentine's episode! We don't get her full body design so I kind of winged it for some stuff but yeah-

[tyrahmen]

I know I’m 15 years late, but I need to talk about the Professor Layton prequel games.

Includes spoilers for Last Specter, Miracle Mask and Azran Legacy. Because I have words to say.

As a kid, I was a huge fan of the original three Layton games. Even though it was a long time ago, I still have fond memories of pouring over the riddles with my brother. We also watched the movie together some time back then, but only recently upon rewatching it did I find out that it belongs to a prequel series of games.

I got my hands on them and immediately my love for the games was reignited. I absolutely adore Last Specter, it was everything I still held dear in my memories and more. I finished the game at almost 100% in only two days or so. I’m planning on replaying the original games soon, but Last Specter might just stay my favourite game of them all.

Then I jumped into Miracle Mask and… I don’t want to say I hated it, but I struggle to find a less intense word to describe my disappointment. I really disliked the 3D graphics, the new controls, and most importantly, almost every single screen of the game. Professor Layton, for me, equals a cozy but slightly mysterious setting. It equals calm. Monte d’Or is anything but. It’s colorful and visually noisy, and that combined with the 3D graphics I dislike made for a very exhausting experience. I ended up rushing through the game to get it done instead of enjoying it and seeking out every puzzle I could.

I guess I went into Azran Legacy with lower expectations, because I found the graphics and controls much more tolerable there (even though I still don’t quite like them). It’s still competing with Miracle Mask for least favourite in my list simply because of the story.

Now don’t get me wrong, I did enjoy the story for the most part. It just… takes away so much from the other stories, especially from the previous two games. I loved the Layton stories in great part because they are so personal – the mystery is meaningful because it means something to characters we love/get to love throughout the game. Azran Legacy’s story is too grand. It affects the whole world, takes place throughout the whole world, and feels like it spreads itself too thin because of it. It doesn’t have enough time for individuals because there’s so much to do. And in the face of such high stakes, what was the meaning of saving a single town in Last Specter or Miracle Mask? That Garden of Healing, that was so important at the end of Last Specter because it means Arianna can live, is now relegated to being “just one of the Azran ruins”, just like the ruins of Akbadain (or however you write it, I can’t quite remember sorry), which had so much meaning to our beloved Professor and his childhood friends. Which, by the way, despite being alluded to being incredibly vital in unveiling the Azran Legacy, have no role besides like a half-sentence in the third game.

And… the ending. I refuse to accept what they did to Emmy as canon because it feels less like a plot twist and more like a “Oh, we forgot these are prequels and we need a reason for her not to be in the other games”. It doesn’t fit her character at all. It’s not a betrayal from her, but from the writers – they made this really cool character that we love and care about, and then, three games and a movie in, go like “haha jinx, she was against you this entire time”. Like—no?? Have you read your own characterization of her? Because I did, and there wasn’t a single line that didn’t read “she genuinely cares about the Professor and Luke and EVERYONE THEY MEET”. She saw how Targent treated people. No way would she still be unquestioningly loyal to Bronev, especially after knowing the Professor for a while. If you wanna drop this kind of “plot twist” on a main character, making them go completely against their morals and their previous characteristics, you have to have at least one thing, literally anything that foreshadows it. The Professor more or less got closure with his family matters there (which also seemed a little bit shoe-horned in, in my opinion, they could have just left it out and it still would have been fine), but the conclusion of everyone else’s arcs felt… so unsatisfying. Emmy I already went into way too much detail about. But Aurora too – her death was so cliché I couldn’t even be sad about it. They literally did the exact same with her as with Loosha, the “sacrificed herself so we don’t have to figure out the consequences of her existing in this universe”. I already didn’t like it in Last Specter, but I could accept it. But them pulling the same thing at the end of the series just feels cheap.

I think this is enough of a rant. If anyone ever reads this far, thank you! Feel free to let me know what you think/thought about the development of the games, and which one of all of them is your favourite.

I’m gonna go replay Curious Village now. It’s been so many years I barely remember the story, so let’s see if I remember any puzzles :D

[lovemesomesurveys]

survey by n0b0dysp3rf3ct

—:: Who ::—

… was the last person you saw face to face?

My mom.

… was the last person you texted or messaged online? My aunt.

… was the last person who asked you for a favour? My mom earlier.

… was the last person you lent something to? I don’t recall.

… was the last person who told you a secret/confided in you? Probably my aunt.

… is the tallest person you know? My brother.

… the shortest person you know? Me, ha.

… your oldest (in years) friend? I don’t have any friends.

… is the oldest (in length of time) friend? --

… is your youngest friend? --

… is your newest friend? --

… is your closest relative? My mom and brother.

… was your favourite teacher? My 4th, who also ended up being my 8th, grade teacher.

… was your least favourite teacher? These two math professors I had at community college. They were really rude.

… did you spend the most time with when growing up? My parents, cousins, and grandparents.

… knows you the best? My mom. And ya’ll, ha.

… always beats you in games or sports? I don’t do a lot of competitive stuff, but let’s be real everyone would probably beat me cause I suck at everything.

… who is the most creative of the people you know? I have a few artistic and creative family members. I sadly did not get the gene.

… is the funniest person you know? My brother.

… is the most organised that you know? One of my aunts.

… that you know has travelled the most? My paternal grandparents and one of my uncles.

… has always been there for you? My family, especially my mom.

… has given you the most personal gift? What’s a personal gift, exactly?

… has an annoying laugh? *shrug*

… never forgets a birthday? I think I’m pretty good about that.

… do you live with? My parents, brother, and doggo.

…,do you have the most in common with? My mom and brother.

…is the sportiest person you know? My dad.

…was your last missed call? A spam call.

…did you last open your door for? Delivery person.

… has your heart? Me.

…do you share a special song with? No one.

…do you miss right now? I’ll always miss my loved ones who have passed away.

…last made you angry? Not sure about a who, but situations and circumstances lately have.

…did you last buy a gift for? My dad for Father’s Day.

…did you celebrate your last birthday with? My parents and brother.

…have you gone to a concert with? A former friend.

…can make you laugh? My family.

…has taught you how to do something? Teachers.

…has lost something of yours? Hmm.

…has broke your heart? A couple of people.

…has stood you up? Joseph.

:: What ::

...I

s your favourite colour?

...Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, yellow.

...Can you do that most your friends can’t? ---

...Is your birthday? July 28th, mark your calendars. 

...Colour eyes do you have? Brown.

...Form of transport do you take to work/school? I don’t work/done with school.

...Music do you like to listen to in the car? My parents and brother each play their Spotify playlists in their cars, so I hear whoever’s playlist of the car I’m in.

...Languages can you speak? I’m only fluent in English, but I know a little Spanish. ...Was the last thing you drank? Water.

...Was the last thing you ate? 4 over-easy eggs, loaded hash browns (shredded cheese, country gravy, and onions), and toast with strawberry jam from Denny’s.

...Time did you wake up this morning? Around 8.

...Colour are your bedroom walls? White.

...Drink do you usually order when eating out? Coffee.

..Food can you cook well? Just ramen.

...Animals have you had for a pet? Doggos, fish, and a couple of hamsters.

...Are your initials? ---

...Kind of activities do you like to do on the weekends? I don’t do anything different.

...Movie do you know line by line? There’s a few.

...Band(s) have you seen in concert? I’ve seen several.

...Do you buy/get to treat yourself? Depends what I want.

...Colours your phone cover? It’s a clear one.

...Part of the world would you love to visit? I’d love to be able to travel all over.

...Subject were you good at in school? English.

...Careers do your parents have? My mom works at Walgreens and my dad works at a car repair shop.

...Brand of clothing do you buy most often? Most of my clothes are from Boxlunch, Hot Topic, and Kohl’s. 

...Chocolate bar is your favourite? White chocolate.

...TV show have you watched every series of? There’s a ton.

...Radio station do you listen to the most? I haven’t listened to the radio for like 4-5 years now.

...Podcasts are you subscribed to? None.

...Is your favourite dessert? Milkshakes, ice cream, brownies, cheesecake, cookies, cupcakes, donuts, muffins.

...Can’t you do that most around you seem to? >> Function. <<<

...Are 5 qualities you value in a friend? Someone I can confide in, someone that’s easy to be around, good listener, loyal, understanding.

...Are 5 qualities you value in a partner? Patient, understanding, caring, good sense of humor, loyal. 

...Size pizza do you usually order? It depends. If my family and I are all getting pizza, we usually get 2 mediums ad one of those are the toppings of my choosing and they’ll have some of that as well as the pizza of their choosing (I’m the picky one that’s why we get two, ha). If I’m just getting pizza then I’ll get a personal.

...Cuisine do you like to order or cook? I love Italian, Mexican, and Chinese food. I’m not a cook except for ramen.

...Colour(s) dominate your wardrobe? Black.

...Toothpaste brand do you use? Sensodyne.

...Sounds can you hear right now? ASMR video, my fans, and the TV.

...Is the weather like today? It’s currently 90F.

...Are your plans for tomorrow? Just another day.

:: Where ::

...

Do you keep your phone when not using it?

It’s usually always near me somewhere.

...Were you born? California.

...Do you go to unwind? My bed. And the beach when I’m able, which isn’t often. :( I wish I lived near one cause I’d be there a lot.

...Is your best friend right now? Work.

...Can you go nearby to have a good time? My city is lame.

...Is the nearest restaurant? Not even a 5 minute drive from my house.

...Is the nearest beach? About 2 1/2 hours away.

...Did you meet your closest friend? --

...Did you go for your last vacation? I went to Disneyland last year and it ended up being right before the pandemic and lockdown stuff happened. Like literally two weeks before.

...Is the nearest mall or superstore? About a 10 minute drive.

...Did you last get an injury? I don’t remember.

...Is the most extravagant place you’ve stayed at? I’ve stayed at nice hotels.

...Do most the local kids play? *shrug*

...Have you been with your family? Uhh, lots of places?

...Did you spend Christmas last year? At home.

...Did your parents grow up? My mom has lived here all her life and my dad moved around a bit coast to coast.

...Did you buy the shoes you’re wearing? I'm not wearing shoes, but no I didn’t buy the pair I last wore.

...Would you like to go right now if you could? Somewhere with cool weather and a beach.

...Do you miss the most from your childhood? Being a kid.

...Is the best restaurant you know? Wingstop.

...Will you never go again as it was so bad? I haven’t had that bad of a restaurant experience.

:: When ::

was your last vacation? ...February of last year.

…did you graduate? I graduated UC in 2015.

…did you decide what career you wanted? My freshman year of high school. 

…did you have your first kiss? I was 16.

…did you learn how to swim? I haven’t.

…did you have your first relationship? 2005.

…did you meet your best friend? She’s my mo.

…do you feel the most at peace? At the beach is the closest I get to that.

…do you usually fall asleep? When the sun is almost rising or already has.

…do you usually wake up? Between like 9 and 12.

…did you last watch a movie? I saw A Quiet Place 2 a few weeks ago.

…did you last go to a party? A few weekends ago to my bro’s grad party.

…did you last cry? Yesterday. It’s a daily thing nowadays, at least once. Usually more.

…did you laugh really hard? I don’t remember. 

…did you buy something pricey last? For Mother’s Day.

…did you have an argument last? Recently.

…did you last have a sick day? All the time?

…did you last recieve a hug? The other day.

…when is your best friend’s birthday? September.

…did you learn how to drive? I haven’t.

…did you last receive a surprise? I received a bad, unexpected one recently.

:: How ::

Many pets do you have?

One.

Many houses have you lived in? A few.

Often do you shower? About every 2-3 days.

Well can you cook? I only cook ramen.

Many close friends do you have? None.

Many Brothers or sisters do you have? I have two brothers.

Often do you go swimming? I don't.

Many times have you texted today? Zero.

Do you like your toast (colour, topping)? A light brown with butter or jelly.

Do you like your tea and/or coffee? I like a packet or two of sweetener with my tea and flavored cream or cream and sugar with my coffee.

Do you like to celebrate your birthdays? Just chill and lowkey.

Are you feeling today? Hot and tired and meh.

Serious are you about your career goals? I’m not even doing anything in regards to that as of now. I have no idea what I want to do and I can’t put the time, energy, focus, or effort to figure it out at this time. I’m dealing with and focusing on my health and can’t work right now anyway.

Many bedrooms in your house? 2 bedrooms.

Did you do in your school exams? I did well.

Close do you live to your parents? I live with my parents.

Close do you live to your siblings? I live with my younger brother and my older brother doesn’t live far away.

Sensitive to criticism are you? I’m sensitive, but it’s definitely gotten worse in recent years.

Motivated to make changes are you? That’s something I’ve been struggling with and it’s certainly doing me no favors. :/

Creative are you (1-10): I missed the creative gene.

Hard working are you (1-10): Not very much at all anymore. :/

Sporty are you (1-10): Not at all. 

Musical are you (1-10): I don’t play any instruments. Do you prefer your eggs? Over-easy, scrambled, deviled, hard boiled.

Often do you go out to eat? I get takeout a lot. I just started going out to eat again recently, having been to Denny’s twice now in the past week. It’s a new tradition my mom and I are starting couple or so times a week when we go for a morning walk.

Would your best friend describe you? Meh.

Can someone cheer you up if you’re sad? It’s honestly better to just leave me alone.

Often do you meet up with your friends?  ---

Important is religion to you? My faith is very important to me.

Old were you when you first stayed overnight from home? *shrug* I was a kid.

Old were you when you got your first pet? Like 3.

Tech savvy are you? Eh, I know some stuff.

Often do you cut your hair? It’s been over a year since the last time.

Often do you paint your nails? It’s been a few years since the last time. 

Many countries have you visited? Just one apart from my own.

Boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? Two.

:: Why ::

… did you choose your username?

Cause I love me some surveys. ‘Nuff said.

… did you take this survey? I wanted to.

… did you choose the career you did? I don’t have one.

…did you last leave the house? My mom and I took our walk this morning and stopped to have breakfast along the way. 

…did you last give up on something? I gave up on myself in a lot of ways the past few years and I’ve paying for it.

…did you search the last thing you searched? I was looking up how many miles away something was for one of the questions.

…would you give up on someone completely? I did that easily with myself, but it would take a lot to do that with someone else.

:: If…::

You could live in any country which would you choose?

I’ll just stay here.

You could choose any animal as a pet which one? I like having doggos.

You could be famous for something what would you like? >> I don't want to be famous. <<<

You are sad, how do you combat it? >> I am sad almost all the time lately, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not something to "combat", I'm not trying to be in a fucking battle with myself and I'm tired of that rhetoric. I just wish I was less sad. I can't be less sad. But I wish I could. <<< 

You can drive when did you learn? --

You could have any job what would it be? I don’t knowwww.

You could go anywhere for a vacation where would you go? Somewhere far away with a nice beach.

You could eat anything right now what would it be? I just put in my Doordash order for Wingstop.

You wrote a book what genre/topic would it be? Murder mystery/psychological thriller.

You had a theme song what would it be? *shrug*

You could meet any band/singer in person which one? Hmm.

You could act in any movie which would it be? No thanks.

You get married what venue would you like? I don’t want to get married.

If you have kids do you have names picked out? I don’t want kids.

Could describe your dream home what would it be like? Spacious enough for 4 adults and a doggo, near a beach, hardwood floor, big backyard with patio deck, pizza oven, grill, deck, nice sitting and eating area, pool, and a balcony.

You could go back in time what would you change? I’d take better care of myself.

Could use 3 words to describe your childhood which ones? Good, fun, memorable.

Could get the answer to any question which question would you choose? I don’t know cause if it’s bad I don’t wanna know.

You could have an endless supply of something what would it be? Money.

Meet anyone who no longer lives who’d you choose? Chester Bennington.

:: Can ::

… you ride a bike?

No.

… you ski? No.

… you bake a cake? >> I'm sure I could wing a box cake. <<< Yeah, that’s all I do. I’m not in there whipping stuff up from scratch.

… you sing well? Nope.

… you do your own taxes? >> I don't do taxes, I don't earn a taxable income. <<<

… you remain calm in a crisis? I tend to freak out.

… you do first aid? No.

… remember your best friend’s family members’ names? They’re my family, too.

… you fire a gun? I’ve only done it once when I went to a shooting range with some friends a few years ago. I didn’t want to do more than that.

… your parents drive? Yes.

…your best friend dance well? She doesn’t like to dance.

…you make people laugh easily? I don’t think I’m funny. I’ll have my moments now and then and I own that shit when it happens haha but it’s at random.

…stand up for yourself? I’m not great a that. I’m too shy, too awkward, suck at expressing myself, and don’t like confrontation.

…you do a martial art? No.

:: Would ::

You like to learn a new language?

I’d like to be fluent in Spanish. I only know some.

Save the life of a stray animal? If I could help in some way.

Know what to do if there was a hurricane? >> Not entirely, because I've never lived in a hurricane-prone area. <<< Me either, thankfully.

Try a new cuisine? If it sounded good to me. I’m very picky and particular with food.

Risk your life for anyone? My loved ones.

You like to get back in touch with someone? Ideally, but it’s not ideal right now.

You drive in the middle of the night to get a stuck friend? I don’t drive so I wouldn’t be any help. I could call them an Uber, though.

You Know how to perform CPR? No.

You likely win in a game of chess? Nope, I don’t even know how to play.

You stop talking for a day for $100? Yeah.

[experimentaldragonfire-fics]

experimentaldragonfire’s SU Fic Rec List

Stuck at home? Running out of stuff to read? I figured I’d put together a semi-comprehensive series of fanfic recommendations so that all the hours I’ve spent on AO3 over the years can be considered at least vaguely useful. A lot of these are quite old, so if you’ve only read more recent fics, you might find something that you haven’t seen here!

Please feel free to add your own links and recommendations--I personally would love more reading material! This list will focus on SU fics, but I’ll probably make more for other fandoms going forward if anyone’s interested. Bear in mind that, as I’ve mentioned, since many (most) of these were written a while ago, they might not represent exactly how the plot of the show progressed (though they now provide a pretty interesting look at the older fanfic tropes/theories!)

Also, upfront: most of these, when ships do appear, are Lapidot or PearlRose--clearly, I’m very narrowly-focused on what I read. And if one of your fics is on here and you want to be tagged, let me know and I will do so!

Steven Universe Fic Recs

General (None or canonical/background/multiple ships):

histories by avulle (T, F/F, Gen)

“Pearl (pearl) is born in what would have been the year 100,492 BCE. (She is not older than the entire human race—but only just.)”

An introspective look at the Crystal Gems through the years, written in a style that’s practically poetic and absolutely gorgeous.

Inferior Blue by hTeDruknenPotaT (M, Gen)

"Your name is Lapis Lazuli. Lapis is a fun thing to name your child when your last name is Lazuli, and when your name is Lapis Lazuli, blue seem like a nice color to dye your hair. It's fortunate that blue is your favorite color, that you manage not to despise it after all the blue you've been surrounded by all your life."

Lapis Lazuli meets a strange young boy who helps to heal the scars of her past.

The first time I read this fic, I stayed up until 5AM and cried into my pillow through the final chapters. And it continued to make me cry every time I reread it. Massive angst warning, but if you can handle fics that are beautiful but tragic, this is for you.

capacity by broken_halleluiah (G, F/F)

After a routine council meeting, Pink Diamond insists on repairing a broken piece of equipment. The result is far more than she bargained for.

A fic speculating on the nature of Pearls in Homeworld society, written well before we got to see any of that in canon. As such, it isn’t entirely in-line with later canon, but is still entirely worth reading.

Breaking Down by PTlikesTea (M, multi)

Rose's world view is shattered by a black market pearl and the realization that everything she knows about them is wrong.

An extensively long series of shorter mostly-self-contained stories exploring a version of Homeworld society where Pearls are considered as little more than disposable property. Major warnings for Pretty Much Everything--definitely keep an eye on the tags--but this is an iconic series of works, started in 2015 and predating many of the later revelations about canon Homeworld. 

A Gem and Her Pearl (Rose) by Potential Violet (G, gen)

Blue Diamond forces Rose Quartz to get a pearl, changing Rose's life, the pearl's life and the course of Gem history. All relationships begin somewhere, this is the beginning of Rose and Pearl's.

Another take on Rose and Pearl’s meeting, and the status of Pearls in Homeworld society (there’s a bit of a theme here with these recommendations). Again, predates most canon revelations regarding the topics, and predates all of the canon information about the Diamonds.

Pearl, Interrupted by AceyEnn (E, multi)

In August, Steven Quartz Universe was born.

In August, Rose Quartz died in childbirth.

In December, Pearl decides she can't handle any of it.

Or: Pearl Tries To Kill Herself And Ends Up In A Therapy Group Run By Her Best Friend's Mom (Well, One Of Her Moms).

Human AU focusing on Pearl dealing with Rose's death--or rather, not dealing with Rose’s death. Major content warnings for suicide attempts, self-harm, etc (please read the tags), but overall a very well-written story. Still updating, despite being first posted in 2016! 

Lapidot:

in which Peridot is Not At All Surprised by the sudden appearance of a new waiter by gaySpaceRock_exe (G, F/F)

Peridot meets the new waiter at her regular restaurant and immediately falls head-first in love. 

Cute and fluffy, what more do you need in a fic? 

Homesick by DrPaine (G, F/F)

An encounter at the Galaxy Warp.

Short oneshot predating the Peridemption/Barn Arc, can be read as friendship rather than romantic. 

Observation by DrPaine (G, F/F)

Peridot is a technician, meant to catch every detail. Not something she’s very fond of, but making yourself aware of your surroundings can be helpful, when you’re slipping into troublesome thoughts.

Incomplete but very much an introspective look at Peri’s character as perceived back in 2015-ish. Not as much focused on romance as on concepts of identity and anxiety. 

Of Stage Lights and Stage Fright by AcrylicPaint (M, F/F)

All Lapis wanted was to participate in the local production, but there was a minor element she hadn't taken into consideration when she agreed to take the leading role, and that was; dealing with the cute techie's constant staring.

That, and the fact she was beginning to stare too.

Human theatre AU, and an excellent completed multichapter fic. I remember that when I first read this, I was in high school and part of the musical, so it was a very topical read--and now it’s the height of nostalgia. 

No Regrets by Raptor_Red (E, F/F)

No Regrets, or, the story of how Peridot tried to romance the blue-haired tattoo artist from the parlor across the street

A personal favorite! The writing in this fic is just so nice to read, and though I’m not usually a fan of tattoo artist AUs, this one really managed to make the whole concept make sense within the story. I can’t count how many times I’ve read this fic. Please read this.

12 O’Clock at Your Local King Soopers by InsomniacArrest (T, F/F)

Lapis works late night shifts, Peridot is somebody's overworked assistant, they both need more sleep and better people skills: the grocery store story.

Is it a Lapidot fic rec list if I don’t include 12KS? Probably the most iconic fic for this pairing, with good reason. Also, consider this a recommendation for literally everything IA has ever written--there are too many good fics to name them all individually, otherwise they’d comprise half of this entire list.

Of Meteors and Minimal Speech by Waypaststrange (moonbeatblues)(F/F)

In which things at the barn settle down, nobody speaks much, and strange lights appear in the sky.

Vaguely fluffy oneshot, very cute!!

Awkward Office Encounters by SilverEyedRukia (T, F/F) 

Due to a broken down air conditioner on a scorching hot day the computers' overheated systems need fixing. Luckily for everyone a blonde technician is up for the job, but unbeknowst to them the IT nerd turns out to be someone they didn't expect her to be, especially not Lapis who kind of asked her out on a date already.

Human workplace AU, starts off relatively comedic but gets into Emotional Territory towards the end.

Camp Pining Hearts by kamanzi (M, F/F)

Peridot and Jasper return to summer camp after their freshmen year of college--this time, as counselors. Peridot is disappointed to learn that nothing is quite the same, especially her relationship with her best friend. Whose fault is this? She blames Jasper's girlfriend.

“‘Let’s go back next year and be counselors,’ she said. ‘It’ll be fun,’ she said.”

Human summer camp counselors AU that’s definitely long enough to use up some stuck-at-home-self-isolating time.

A Week by teamchaosprez  (E, F/F)

Who knew that a single night of drunken sex could push Peridot and Lapis from being roommates with a mutual crush to regularly fucking and maybe - just maybe - eventually becoming girlfriends and standing up to the homophobia surrounding both of their family lives.

A human college AU focusing a lot on working through interpersonal relationships and coming to terms with emotions

Set Me Free by cym70 (T, F/F) 

Being roommates gives Lapis and Peridot a lot of time to get to know each other and, despite their rocky history, they might just be able to make something entirely new.

A friends-to-lovers fic, post-Barn Mates. Very sweet!

Waltz of the Nian by QuickYoke (T, F/F)

Lapis doesn't understand fusion at heart, but she does know she's an unideal partner for it.

 Lapis' relationship with fusion, and also Peridot. A fic that basically encapsulates the ideal of profound prose that makes you feel things, even if you don’t precisely know how or why.

Pushing by Like Hearts by mautadite (T, F/F)

“Sounds like you’re really counting on that road trip magic.”

(Peridot and Lapis do Midway City, and Empire City, and Plateau Ville, and all the places in between.)

Canonverse road trip, because every rec list needs a “the characters go on a long journey together and find themselves, and each other” fic. And because this fic made me feel so many emotions.

A thousand years (F/F)

I have died a thousand years, waiting for you.

 Childhood friends-to-adult-lovers human AU, one of the fic tropes that always just punches me in the face with feelings.

[amymillcr]

QUESTIONNAIRE with AMELIA CAROLINA MILLER

# OF Qs ANSWERED: 150

1. if they were a candle, what scent would they be?

“ i never really thought about it, so i’m going with a lemon scented one. because i may or may not have an obsession with lemons. “

2. what female celebrity do they wish was their sister?

“ ooooh, emily blunt without a doubt in mind !! she’s so great and funny and beautiful, i would love to be her sister.”

3. what male celebrity do they wish was their brother?

“ is it bad if i say pete davidson so i can be ariana’s sister-in-law ?? it is ?? okay... i will choose john mulaney.  “

4. how old do they think they’ll be when they get married?

“ with the current state of my love life ?? never. but i think 30 would be a good age to get married. “

5. how many countries have they been to?

“ never been out of the states, unfortunately enough. “

6. what would they name their daughter if they had one?

“ helena. i like the sound of it and the meaning of the name, so yeah. i would choose helena. “

7.  what would they name their son if they had one?

“ hmmm, i never thought about a boy name ?? but, i like the name anthony. so that will be my answer for now. “

8. what was their favorite tv show as a child?

“ totally spies !! three girls being badass and saving the world ?? count me the fuck in !! “

9.  what language, besides their native language, would they like to be fluent in?

“ italian. i downloaded duolingo once to learn a bit, but that shit doesn’t work for me at all. mainly because i would get a notification and just shrug it off. “

10.  would they ever change their name? if so, to what?

“ as common as my name is, i don’t think so. because one: i never thought of any other name i would like to be called. and two: i think my name fits me. “

11. what was the last compliment they got?

“ a seven-year-old camper told me my hair is pretty. “

12. what is their favorite flavor of tea?

“ green tea. but i only drink it mixed with black tea in the morning to get energized. “

13. how did they find out that santa and the easter bunny weren’t real?

“ i found out santa wasn’t real because my dad was horrible at hiding his santa costume. and easter bunny was because i woke up early one day and i saw my mom making little bunny footprints on the floor. “

14. what is their hogwarts house?

“ i always thought i was a gryffindor, but when i took the pottermore test years ago... i got slytherin. i guess i’m a cunning folk just like merlin. “

15. what tarot card are they?

“ i got the sun card !! “

16. are they more of a marvel or dc fan?

“ i enjoy both, but i lean more towards marvel. i like the comedy route they take on the movies. and the series are better, that’s all. “

17. who is their favorite superhero?

“ jessica jones aka jewel. i relate to her in ‘ being a messy adult ’ department. “

18. everyone has a song that deeply reminds them of their childhood. what is theirs?

“ crazy by aerosmith. it used to be one of my dad’s favorite songs. maybe it still is, who knows ?? but yeah... he used to sing that to my mom and dance around the kitchen with her. it was... nice. “

19. what are the meanings of their first, middle, and last name?

“ amelia means defender and striving, carolina means song of happiness. and after a quick research, miller means one who grinds grain. “

20. have they ever stolen a street sign before?

“ no, but that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. it would be a good decor for my bedroom, hm. “

21. what is their biggest pet peeve?

“ people chewing with their mouth open and slow walkers. i can’t choose between these two, both drive me crazy. “

22. if they were a month, what month would they be?

“ is it weird if i say march because it is always a good month for me ?? like, every year march is so great for some weird reason. anyway, march. that’s my choice. “

23. what is their least favourite movie?

“ oh, twilight without a doubt. i never understood the hype about it and because of it, fifty shades was created. “

24. what five movies would they bring with them if they were stuck on a deserted island?

“ ferris bueller’s day off, can’t hardly wait, drive me crazy, enchated and ocean’s 8 so i can finally watch it. “

25. out of all of the late night talk show hosts, who is their favorite?

“ james corden !! i love his skits and overall games. and let’s not forget carpool karaoke is one of the best things to watch when you are bored. “

26. what are three things they are afraid of?

“ being forgotten, being abandoned and snakes. literal and not literal snakes. “

27. what was the first concert they went to?

“ bon jovi when he played on central park summerstage. i remember my mom going crazy because she is obsessed with him. it was a great afternoon. “

28. is there a nickname that only their family calls them?

“ they call me millie. “

29. what side of the bed do they sleep on?

“ left. “

30. what is their favorite comfort food?

“ hershey’s chocolate bar. at least once a month, i go to the store in times square to get one for free. “

31. what award shows do they watch?

“ all of them. i love award season, but i will love it more when amy addams finally get the oscar that she deserves. “

32. do they have any weird body skills (example: being double jointed)?

“ yes !! i can wiggle both of my ears. “

33. if they drink coffee, what is their coffee order?

“ i don’t drink coffee. when i need caffeine i go to black tea mixed with green tea. “

34. what social media platforms do they have?

“ twitter, instagram, snapchat and pinterest. oh, facebook as well so my family knows i’m alive but i barely use it. “

35. are they a cat or dog person?

“ both ?? how can i choose between these precious animals ?? answer: i can’t. and won’t. “

36. if they were a supernatural creature, what would they be?

“ i think i answered this before, but if not, i would love to be a valkyrie. they are a bunch of badass women. “

37. what show are they currently watching on netflix/hulu?

“ queer eye and champions !! both are great and i highkey recommend everyone to watch them. “

38. what is their favorite disney movie?

“ disney is beauty and the beast. disney pixar is a bug’s life, i love a good classic. live action disney is obviously maleficent. fun fact: i saved money to buy the same lipstick angelina used in that movie.“

39. do they wear any perfume or cologne?

“ i wear perfume when i have to work in an event or something fancy like that. but other than that, i use victoria secret’s hydrating body lotion. “

40. what genres of music do they listen to?

“ broadway, pop and rock. “

41. have they ever seen the bee movie?

“ i have the dvd. i think that is enough answer to this question. “

42. what are their favorite memes?

“ to be honest, any reaction gif that ever existed. but the gif of jonathan from queer eye saying ‘can you believe?’ is one of my favorites at the moment. “

43. what celebrities do they share a birthday with?

“ mila kunis and halle berry !! hey yo !! “

44. what is their moon (zodiac) sign?

“ my moon sign is sagittarius. if you want to know the others, i have my whole chart on my phone thanks to my sister... but don’t ask me what it means, i have no idea. “

45. which of the seven cardinal sins do they embody the most?

“ i would say greed. “

46. do they watch sports on television? if so what ones?

“ i only watch sports on television when i need something to make me sleep. “

47. what do they put on their typical sandwich?

“ bread, cheese, steak and bacon. “

48. what was the name of their first significant other?

“ colin. he was a ridiculous piece of shit and i hope he is happy and stay far away from me. “

49. do they care if people think badly of them?

“ not really. point is, haters gonna hate. shake it off, taylor swift. always right. “

50. what was the last thing that made them cry?

“ i always cry when i listen to champagne supernova by oasis, so i will say that was the last thing that made me cry because i can’t really remember the last time i cried. “

51. are they an iphone or samsung user?

“ iphone. “

52. what type of computer do they use (example: apple)?

“ lenovo thinkpad e475. “

53. what is one of their nervous habits?

“ nail biting, tapping my foot, and talking really fast. my mom says i touch my hair a lot when i’m nervous, too.“

54. out of all reality shows, which one would they have a chance winning?

“ i’m pretty sure i could win big brother. 98% certain of it. “

55. would they ever go bungee jumping or skydiving?

“ without a doubt, someone please take me. “

56. what do they call their grandparents?

“ grandma and grandpa. “

57. what do they do when they can’t sleep?

“ watch any sport on tv, and if there’s none, cartoons. “

58. what time do they normally go to bed?

“ back home, between 10:30 PM and 11 PM on weekdays and 3 AM on weekends. “

59. if they have instagram, what was the last picture that they posted?

“ it was one of me holding a sword toy in the forest, trying to be a badass like wonder woman. but failing miserably. “ (x)

60. if they have twittter, what was the last thing that they tweeted?

“  i was trying to say “c’est la vie” but i forgot the phrase and so long story short i shrugged and said “livin la vida loca”.   “

61. who is their otp?

“ emily blunt and john krasinski !! i only believe in real love because of them !! “

62. do they like sweet, salty, or sour?

“ sweet and sour. “

63. did they play any sports in the past?

“ swimming and water polo. “

64. what is their favorite cheesy pick up line?

“  you look so familiar... didn't we take a class together? i could've sworn we had chemistry. “

65. what tv show or movie is their guilty pleasure?

“ gravity falls and the lego movie. “

66. if they were a fruit, what fruit would they be?

“ green grapes. “

67. do they sing in the shower?

“ sing would be an understatement. i give a whole madison sqaure garden performance in the shower. “

68. what is their favorite type of chips?

“ doritos. always and forever you will be on my heart. “

69. do they drink juice? if so, what is their favorite kind?

“ lemonade !! and orange juice mixed with strawberry juice. trust me, that shit is good. “

70. what is more important to them: power, money, friends, family, love, or fame?

“ family and friends, always. “

71. what does their handwriting look like?

“ my handwriting is legible, that’s what i can say about it?? oh, i write in cursive. i don’t know how to answer this. “

72. do they have reoccurring dreams? if not, what is their most memorable dream?

“ i have a dream that everyone is ignoring me. i searched what it meant when it first happened, and it turns out i need to communicate more about my feelings. that’s funny. “

73. if they were a taste, what would it be?

“ minty gum. you can’t go wrong with mint gum, unless you are allergic to it. “

74. what is one random fun fact about them?

“ i do volunteer work by delivering food, coats, blankets to homeless people every night that i can for a city program. i have been doing this for a year now, and it is so gratifying being able to help them. i wish sometimes i could do more. “

75. what is their lucky number?

“ seventeen !! “

76. do they have any pets?

“ unfortunately, no. money is tight already and with a pet would be worse. maybe in the future i will adopt one. “

77. do they believe in the paranormal or the supernatural?

“ hell fucking yes to the paranormal. not so much to the supernatural, but i wish it was true. “

78. have they ever had any paranormal experiences?

“ no, but i have heard a lot of them to believe that paranormal exists. “

79. can they sing or dance?

“ i can carry a tune, but i’m no whitney houston. and my dance moves consists in high school musical choreography. “

80. who is the first person they call/text when something exciting happens?

“ my lil sister rachel, theo, and my groupchat with addie and lola.”

81. what is their social media handle?

“ @ameliamill on twitter, @amclias on instagram and @amyazing on snapchat !! “

82. what swear word do they use/like the most?

“ fuck. “

83. what is their ideal first date?

“ i really like outdoor dates, a picnic or a theme park would be fun. outdoor movie or concert, a food festival or a street fair. even getting ice cream and go for a walk instead of sitting on the parlor would be a great first date. “

84. if they were a type of weather, what would they be?

“ the weather after a rainstorm, when the sun is timidly shining again behind the clouds and there’s that smell of fresh rain that makes you feel clean. “

85. what is their least favorite holiday?

“ thanksgiving. the bad memories are real with this one. “

86. what is the first thing that they do in the morning?

“ turn off my alarm and proceed to wake rachel up so she can get ready for school. when i’m here, jump in theo’s bed to wake him up.“

87. who is their ultimate celebrity crush?

“ my love, my life, my heart: chris evans. “

88. do they usually pay with cash or card?

“ cash. “

89. what was the last thing that they bought?

“ alcohol, more specifically whiskey and vodka. “

90. are they a good or bad driver?

“ i like to believe i’m a good driver, i never hit anyone’s car... so. “

91. if they could meet one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be?

“ michael jackson, come on. who wouldn’t want to meet the king of pop ?? “

92. have they ever gotten into a physical fight?

“ once in high school. some girl was talking shit about my friend and the instinct to slap her across the face was stronger than the common sense of not doing so. got detention for a week and a super mad mom afterwards. oh well, it was worth it. “

93. do they prefer pepsi or coke?

“ we love and support coke in this house. pepsi is not welcome. “

94. do they prefer the city or the suburbs?

“ city, without a doubt. “

95. do they have any special or odd talents?

“ just the wiggling ears thing, like i said before. “

96. when they were little, what did they want to be when they grew up?

“ i wanted to be an astronaut and then i found out how much math it required to become one. it broke little amy’s heart. “

97. do they have any favorite smells?

“ the smell after it rains, lemon, and homemade food. “

98. if they could visit any place in the world, where would they go?

“ in ibiza za za za, everyday is a fiesta sta sta sta. “

99. do they wear jewelry?

“ yes, a necklace with a rose pendant that my grandma gave me. i haven’t taken it off since she gave me. and also earings. “

100. who is the last person they talked to on the phone?

“ rachel, turns out the lil sis is missing me more than she thought she would. “

101. do they prefer ‘would you rather’ or ‘truth or dare’?

“ would you rather. “

102. what has been their favorite halloween costume yet?

“ cher from clueless with the iconic yellow outfit !! as if there would be a better halloween costume than being the funniest rich girl.  “

103. do they like horror movies?

“ yeah, but i don’t like to watch them alone. “

104. what is their typical breakfast like?

“ soft scrambled eggs and tea. “

105. are they a netflix or hulu person?

“ netflix all the way !! their original content is great as fuck. “

106. do they like to gossip?

“ oh yeah, definitely. but only with close friends. “

107. if they were a song, what one would they be?

“ who do you think you are by spice girls. “

108. what was their best subject in school?

“ weirdly enough, it was spanish. followed by history and english. “

109. what was their worst subject in school?

“ physics. that shit was my fucking nightmare. why sir isaac newton had to discover gravity ?? tell me why ?? “

110. have they ever met anyone famous?

“ yes, a lot. the latest one was chris evans because he was on broadway with ‘lobby hero’. i was trembling the whole time he was talking to me. his eyes are so blue and dreamy. “

111. who was their childhood hero?

“ the totally spies !! no doubt, no doubt. “

112. were any tv shows or movies that they weren’t allowed to watch as a child?

“ my mom would let me watch things that were on my age range. if i wanted to watch something more ‘adult-y’, she would watch it first and then say if i could watch it or not. “

113. what is the strangest thing they have ever eaten?

“ according to my grandma, i ate a beetle when i was 2 year old. so it would be that. “

114. do they prefer friends or family?

“ i can’t choose, both have important roles in my life. “

115. how do they feel about pineapple on pizza?

“ i’m not a fan of it, but i don’t think is the weirdest topping you could put on your pizza like some people make it out to be. “

116. do they put the milk or cereal in the bowl first?

“ cereal in the bowl first. that way you know how much milk you have to put. duh. “

117. how do they think dogs would wear pants?

“ the second one. i don’t think any dog would be able to move wearing pants like in the first picture. “

118. do they believe in luck or fate?

“ fucking yes. life would be boring if you don’t believe in some things. but i believe more in luck than fate, though. “

119. do they use emojis when they text?

“ yes !! my three top most used emojis are the middle finger, eye roll, and the eyes emoji. “

120. who was their favorite character on friends?

“ all of them but ross. ross can rot in hell for making rachel get out of that plane. “

121. what character on friends are they most like?

“ i make jokes when i’m uncomfortable and the only response to a romantic i love you is ‘oh crap’. couldn’t i BE anymore like chandler ?? “

122. would they rather read the books or watch the movies?

“ watch the movies. “

123. what is their favorite time of day?

“ night, when i can finally lay in bed and relax. “

124. did they watch the teletubbies as a child? if so, who was their favorite?

“ if someone watched teletubbies and their favorite wasn’t po, they are fake. “

125. do they check the rating (like a rotten tomatoes rating) of a movie before they go and see one?

“ not really, no. i just watch it and then complain on twitter if it is bad. “

126. do they have any favorite old hollywood movie stars?

“ judy garland, julie andrews and audrey hepburn !! “

127. if they had to live in any other decade, which would they choose?

“ the 80′s, without a doubt. “

128. if they could only listen to five music albums for the rest of their life, which ones would they choose?

“ abba gold: greatest hits, michael jackson: greatest hits, spiceworld by spice girls, backstreet boys: the hits, high school musical 2 soundtrack. “

129. do they believe in heaven/hell or reincarnation?

“ like i said before, not believing in things makes life boring. so yes, i do believe in hell, heaven and reincarnation. “

130. do they like chewing gum?

“ yes, minty gum is great. “

131. do they like to go see musicals or plays?

“ hell yes !! it is one of my favorite things to do. “

132. were they apart of any clubs or teams in high school or college?

“ i was part of the swimming and water polo team in high school. “

133. what was their high school superlative?

“ most likely to brighten someone’s day. “

134. are they good at cooking or baking?

“ i have to be, or my sister and i would be eating take out every night. “

135. could they beat bobby flay?

“ hell no. “

136. do they watch actual television? if so, what channels do they watch?

“ mtv. and your occasional sports channel when i need to sleep. “

137. have they ever seen rupaul’s drag race?

“ yas gawd, werk it mama. “

138. do they prefer pink or yellow lemonade?

“ pink lemonade. everything that is pink, is better. i don’t make the rules, it just is. “

139. could they lip sync for their life?

“ i like to believe that the only lip sync for the life i would have to be in is the one in the final. and that it would be a song that is comedic like anaconda by nicki minaj so i can pull a ben de la creme on it. in these terms, i could definitely lip sync for my life. “

140. is their room messy or clean?

“ an organized mess, thank you very much. “

141. if they were a body part, which one would they be?

“ the brain, it controls every other body part. “

142. if they were an emotion, what would they be?

“ happiness. “

143. if they were a planet, which one would they be?

“ neptune, i don’t know why. “

144. how would they describe their clothing style?

“ eleanor shellstrop look alike. “

145. do they shower in the morning or at night?

“ at night, so my body can relax after a long day. “

146. do they order regular fries, onion rings, sweet potato fries, or tater tots?

“ regular fries. so i can eat them with a sundae. “

147. do they normally wear socks?

“ yes, socks are comfy. “

148. do they fear natural disasters?

“ of course. is there anyone who doesn’t fear natural disasters ?? ”

149. can they ice/roller skate?

“ no way. i always fall on my ass, but hey, that never stopped me from getting up again. “

150. are they good at video games?

“ i’m horrible at video games. the last game i played was mario kart. years ago. “

[psychomoxxie]

Lust, Laughter, and the Land of Oz

Remember what things were like before COVID? Yeah? No? Because I do, just barrely.  Here’s something i wrote just before it hit, in February, just three months before i got sick -- i was feeling pretty good mentally, too.  Hadn’t had to take my anti-psychotic in about 4 months, and was still happily in my I’m-single-for-almost-four-years-and-don’t-want-to-change-it mode.   

I know i’ve been bitching pretty incessantly for the past few posts about this ”relationship” that ended recently, but the fact is, things never got the chance to get physical (COVID, hello) so i suppose technically, i never broke that 4-year streak.  ANYWAY. Here’s where my head was concerning sex, love, and all that nonsense before the shit hit the fan.  Since we can’t backdate things on here, i’m just copying it from my Wordpress blog and throwing it up here with a long-winded explanation before i move on to other subjects, and close the book on All Things Romantic for awhile.  I just wanted to post this to remind myself where i was coming from before things took a wrong turn, now that i’m feeling better; 

Which is that sex is perfectly good and fine and healthy, but i suck at the whole relationship thing, and i need to remember that before getting involved with anyone (particularly since my ASPD -- not so much my SZA -- crap tends to impede my judgement in that regard, let’s be honest. I am often attracted to unhealthy types, and that’s not good for me, as i’m working hard on getting better, not feeding the Beast).  

What this shows me -- and reminds me of, is that i’ve been attracted to happier, healthier types lately. And that’s really a good thing. While things may have ended on an unpleasant note with this last one, and he definitely wasn’t the healthiest guy in the world, he was FAR from abusive and horrible.  He was just immature and flighty and a host of other things, but not the usual fare i tend to go for (i.e., somewhere in the neighborhood of my diagnosis, but the evil, ultra-narcissistic, super fucked-up, unmedicated/untreated version; either that, or just a completely useless, quasi-depressed child with substance abuse issues. Take your pick. Now that i think of it, He might have fit into that 2nd category...). 

So, with no further ado...

Feb 5, 2020 - 

Sexual ambivalence when you’re single is such a useless, silly, obsessive state. Once you’re there, it’s so impossibly difficult to get out. Like when you’re a kid, at the bottom of the slide, trying to climb up to the top when you’re wearing only socks and have a case of the giggles. You’re just going to keep sliding back down again. And the thing of it is, you really don’t mind…except for the fact that you never get a really good slide in, because you never quite make it all the way to the top.

Are my metaphors getting too convoluted?

Bear with me, here…

It’s been nearly four years, with the exception of one ill-advised and poorly executed fumble into one-night stand territory two summers ago, since I’ve had sex; and I almost don’t count that time, since I was inebriated, didn’t come, and the guy was so tedious and odd in his behavior – what with his bemoaning the “perfect” ex-girlfriend one minute while we’re in bed, then telling me he can’t believe someone as beautiful as me would sleep with him the next (not to mention the consequent bizarre stalker-like behavior that continues to this day) that I almost feel like I can erase it from the board because the universal system of checks and balances surely indicates that I get to start from scratch when it comes to that one. Right?

Anyway, the point is it’s been a long time. Previous to that, I was in an abusive relationship, and the last time he fucked me, it was so angry that I felt like he was trying to exact some kind of bizarre, bad porno film-esque revenge on me, so that barely counts in my book either. So I’d say I’m about due for a toe-curling orgasm, or a hundred. Like, on a regular basis, from whomever the fuck I please, whenever I want, for the rest of the year. Or, month? How many orgasms are a reasonable amount to expect in a month’s time? I’ll be damned if I know – it’s been far too long since I’ve had that sort of sex life. Which is stupid, since that used to be my modus operandi.

I’ve always known how bad I am at relationships. I’ve been broken in that regard from the word Go. There are any number of reasons I’ve stayed single for the past three and a half years – and indeed, plan on staying that way. I could go into detail, which I have in previous posts, but the heart of the matter is a woeful lack of judgment and boundaries on my part. My taste in men is so bad, it’s actually notorious amongst my circle of friends. When I haven’t seen someone in awhile, a common question is;

“So, you’re not…dating anybody…are you?”, accompanied by a worried expression.

I truly am that bad at choosing men to be in relationships with. The more violent the nature, the more obsessive, and the longer the prison term the better has been my motto (and yes, there have been one or two exceptions. But literally, just…one or two). And so, I prefer to keep a safe distance from the whole mess. Over the years, in fact, I’ve come to realize that I’m much better off when I’m single. This has always been the case, all the way back when I was in my twenties, and ostensibly not yet jaded.

I’m OK with this. Because I’m not the type that needs to be in a relationship to be “complete”. I don’t get lonely, in that sense. I have friends. I might have done occasionally when I was younger, and made more wholeheartedly pathetic attempts at being in “real, grown up relationships” that would last, but anyone who’s known me for long knows I’ve always been happier single.

Sex was never really a problem – I got that whole thing sorted out early on. After some childhood trauma and a teenage rape, I set out to fix myself of the abject terror, pain, disassociation, and ultimate inability to feel a thing. I did that with a series of handpicked lovers (several of them one night stands). Sort of an immersion therapy deal. I figured out how to ask for what I needed, and how to get out quick if it was obvious the guy wasn’t interested in getting me off (or turned out to be dangerous). And now I love sex. Which has the unfortunate effect of making some men think you love them. I’m not sure how that works, but there it is. And fuck, is it annoying. The way some people confuse lust and love has always been astounding to me. I tried explaining this problem to some hippies I knew years ago, and they looked at me like I was some kind of evil succubus. I guess that whole peace and love thing didn’t allow for the finer points of fucking…

Anyway, I spent so much time figuring out how to be good at sex, but I hadn’t the first clue about being good at relating to men in the context of a relationship. How to draw boundaries. How to stay safe emotionally, and even physically. And time and again, it’s been disastrous.

But, as for male friends, I couldn’t ask for a better bunch of guys. I picked a group of really stand-up men. And with the exception of a couple whom I’d fuck on occasion, on and off over the years (because they didn’t ask anything more of me, or get things twisted), they weren’t guys I was crossing that line with (well, except for the one time I did, and that just ended up as you’d expect – disastrously. And that was my fault, because I was grieving my son, and was a huge mess). My guy friends are all intelligent, fun, cool, creative people who genuinely care about me. They call me on my bullshit, and regularly tell me how intelligent, talented, and beautiful I am, when I feel anything but.

So…why do I make such terrible choices when it comes to romantic relationships? Well, if I knew that, we wouldn’t be here now would we? Actually, I do have a pretty good idea why – and of course it’s all down to being brought up in a house full of mental illness, abuse, and the resulting lack of boundaries and high tolerance for chaos/ideas of what’s “normal” that skew my perceptions in the relationships department. And that’s a Hell of a lot harder to fix than sex.

So, I stick to sex.

Or, at least I did. But, things have been off for a few years now. Even before the abusive relationship 3 1/2 years ago, it’s been like I’ve been dead inside since all of the death and loss I’ve endured, really. Ever since then, I really just haven’t had the life force it takes to have a healthy libido. Which sucks. Losing such a huge part of who you are because you’ve lost people you love is like walking around with a huge hole in the center of your chest. And it’s a long, slow climb back to being a whole person again.

Then the real surprise is finding out that, after you’ve worked through all that grief, you aren’t at all the same person you used to be.

Fast forward to two weekends ago.

So there I am, sitting at a local haunt, listening to my girlfriend M tell me that the bartender is flirting with me (for the 47 millionth time) and aren’t I going to do anything about it?

M is my opposite in so many ways – the brunette with the wild sex life and raging libido, the Lonely Hearts Club girl just looking for love, to my misanthropic, stoic, cold, Blonde lce Queen that I’ve become. We make a great pair. She’s always got some guy waiting in the wings, whilst I’m forever fending off her offers to hook me up with “this great guy she knows”.

I tell her she needs to be less dependent on men for her sense of self worth; that there is joy in being alone and getting to know oneself. And she tells me I need to stop being so damn untrusting – that I need to let a little bit of fun and risk into my life, that I’m too young to be so frigid. We’re both right, of course.

For months, she has been the voice of my deadened, dormant sex drive – like the insistent little breath of spring to my boring, snow-bound, sexless, Persephone alter-ego — stuck underground with my shitty husband Hades (that’s how I anthropomorphise my sex drive for the past few years), who just wants to hang out with the souls of the Dead, watch football and drink mead.

But, this time, for some reason, I listen. This time…instead of rolling my eyes at her and commenting that he’s too young, or too skinny, or too shaggy, or too cheerful, or whatever, I instead notice he’s actually pretty cute, and that he’s looking at me with what can only be described as unmistakable desire as he approaches me with liquid brown eyes and a drink, and sets it down in front of me. Then he knocks M’s glass, spilling some of her water onto the bar, then immediately cracks the snappiest joke, which makes me laugh so hard I actually snort. Then he turns to me and asks if there’s anything else I want.

And it’s then I realize – my entire body has that tingly feeling I used to get as a kid from when people would play with my long hair, when he looked at me just now; I am like a cat, internally all langorous, and purring…

And I think, Yes, yes there it is. I want him.

And it may not ever happen – because I can’t think that definitively yet. But, yes. I want. Maybe it will happen with him, or maybe with someone else. The possibilities are…pretty much wide open. The point is, I actually, really, truly feel Lust for someone for the first time in years.

Over the summer, I wrote about that jerk I knew from my old bartending gig who walked me home, then grabbed me and kissed me – I wrote how it was actually a pretty great kiss, but there was no liquid melting of my insides, and I was drunk (actually not how I usually go about these things), he wanted me to invite him in but I was like fuck no…and then the next time I saw him he was a little shit to me because I wouldn’t fuck him that night. Well, that all flashed in front of my eyes for a moment as I sat there with this cute, scruffy guy staring at me with his big, doe eyes and then I remembered;

“Yeah, but you didn’t want to fuck that guy in the slightest…so your instincts were spot on”.

And suddenly it’s like that moment when Dorothy steps out of her house in Oz, and everything is in Technicolor after a lifetime of boring Sepia. I notice the curl of hair falling into his eyes as he watches my fingers wrap around the glass. I notice how his breath hitches a bit as I lean towards him and bring the scotch to my lips. I notice that I feel every muscle in my stomach and thighs when I shift my weight on the chair, and the slight burn of the liquid as it moves down my throat. Little things. Mostly I feel that sensual self awareness that comes from knowing someone’s eyes are on me – eyes that I actually want to be watching me.

“I’ll let you know,” I tell him.

“I’ll be right here,” he says, a kind of goofy lilt to his voice.

Which is perfect, because I don’t want this to feel like a big, serious moment; this reawakening of my finally, finally feeling sexy again after so long. It should be a little silly, a little lighthearted! In fact, that’s part of what does it for me. The few, rare times I viscerally connect with someone, it’s because they’ve made me laugh first. And I realize that’s why I’m attracted to this guy…because he did something completely goofy yet sharply funny (a woefully rare combo) earlier and made me laugh – like, really laugh, from down in my belly. Had, in fact, done so several times throughout the evening. He has, actually, this kind of upbeat, silly but witty, whipsmart vibe about him that just positively reeks of happiness. It is utterly charming, and so, so very sexy. And a far cry from the usual, darkly depressive brooding but witty types I usually go for.

And that told me something even more important – that I’ve finally come back enough from the dark where I can appreciate a person like that, who emits so much joy, can exude such a sense of life, and who can make me really, really laugh. Laugh without irony.

From there, all the rest follows. And maybe, there’s hope for me yet.