#this dumbass hasn’t even noticed how fucking stupid he looks lol. idiot

[yeah-thats-probably-it]

So schön und heiter wie du kann man nur sein, wenn man nicht ›Immensee‹ liest und niemals versucht, selbst dergleichen zu machen; das ist das Traurige!…

this book is fucking hilarious

[aerois]

Remarried Empress: Sovieshu Contextualized and Navier the Unreliable Narrator (SPOILERS!)

So recently I started reading Remarried Empress on WEBTOON. Honestly the whole premise wasn’t my cup of tea and I was solely reading it because it was part of an event where I could get free coins (lol). But then... I got hooked. I got invested. Started drinking in chapters whenever and wherever I could, and even now I still crave more. I wanted Navier to have some semblance of a happy ending (and, let’s be honest, I wanted to drag that precious little bitch Trashta by her fucking hair across the yard). At first it was mostly that. Raging at Trashta and her Simperor, pondering at Heinley’s true intentions, drooling over Kaufman. 

And then, I noticed something odd. I noticed-- the strangest thing-- Sovieshu seemed to be... not as enamored with his mistress as meets the eye. And there was even some hinting that his feelings for Navier weren’t what we assumed.

I have to preface this: I don’t condone Sovieshu’s crappy actions. He’s an idiot, and acts very poorly as a husband. And there’s no excuse for cheating. Absolutely not! So I don’t want this post to come across like In Defense of Sovieshu, because it’s not. But I do think that our view, the reader’s view, of Sovieshu, is warped. And this is mainly because we see the story through Navier’s eyes of course, but we forget that every individual person is fallible. Every person, at some point, harbors false assumptions that color their concepts of truth and reality. Put shortly, Navier is human, and therefore is not a reliable narrator at some points. Especially concerning her husband. We see Sovieshu entirely through the eyes of his wronged wife in the webcomic. Pin that: in the webcomic. Did you know the webcomic is actually based on a mobile game? Yes, it is! And I downloaded it! And I’m playing it! And... I’m actually... hating Sovieshu less?????????? 

Ok, ok, put the pitchforks down! Hear me out! I’m not saying any of the stuff he did was okay! But Navier’s narration of the story paints him as this cold, detached man who grew to hate his wife so much that he flew into the arms of some hussy for warmth and then just cast his wife aside and deliberately acted like a jerk just because he wanted her to suffer.  And there’s a grain of truth to that. There are points where Sovieshu feels bitter and does or says something waspish. But it’s not as black and white as you might assume. I played the mobile game, and decided to take Sovieshu’s route out of spite. I opened this app, saw it was an otome with this garbage-fire, cheating sack of shit for a romance option and thought “Hah! The nerve. Probably some semi-abusive dirtbag route aimed to appeal to girls who like men who treat them badly. You know, that mutually abusive relationship appeal that some girls like because drama.” And I needed to rack up in-game currency anyway (it’s like usual mobile games, where when you wanna make cool choices you gotta cough up cash unless you “diamond-mine” on crappy stories to save up the meager bits of free currency the app gives you for playing) so I figured I’d blast through the Sovieshu route and skip onto my darling Kaufman in playthrough 2.

And then the smoke genuinely compelling character development got me. So I could run y’all through Navier’s version of the events, but you already know that. For Sovieshu though? Here’s the kicker: this idiot has had a raging passion for his wife slowly building up for years throughout their entire lives, and only realizes it about halfway through the events of the story. This idiot, this buffon, this absolute brain-dead dolt... didn’t even realize he was pining over his own wife until he was about to explode from the desperation from it all. God, I wish I was joking. Lemme break it down for you:

Sovieshu’s POV: He and Navier are introduced as kids and are told they’ll be married someday. Life partners. They are raised in tandem to respect and care for one another. Kinda smacks of grooming (go mom and dad!) but whatever, that’s the background. These kids are mentally regarding each other as spouses their entire conscious lives. And Sovieshu, as he grows, quickly comes to realize his intended is a selfless girl who holds everything inside. The first spark of his affection for her is wrapped in this: that Sovieshu longs for Navier to take off her “perfect princess” mask and let herself be vulnerable with him. He admires her intellingence, her grace, and her devotion to her country. He looks at her and sees someone that inspires him. He craves the opportunity to comfort and protect her. He waits, and these opportunities come in small instances. But they get older, their burdens get heavier, and like most young women, Navier gets better at pretending nothing is wrong with her and putting everyone else first. Sovieshu feels more distant from her. But that desire to break through her wall still stands.

They marry, but Navier, in her infinite wisdom, makes the assumption that this marriage is entirely political (despite...the fact... that they were raised together??? they were literally best friends their entire lives??? are y’all seeing how this could be confusing for him???) and that there are absolutely no feelings involved on Sovieshu’s side. Expect there’s that little problem. That little problem. Of Navier’s absolute inability to be vulnerable. And so she starts this marriage all Elsa-Conceal-Don’t-Feel convinced that her husband (whom she is secretly in love with, shocker) holds no warmth for her because she’s never received any from him. 

Now I’ll acknowledge that this is a two way street, where Sovieshu fails as well. Should Navier have made a mature decision and asked for love and support when she needed it? Yes. Should Sovieshu have offered anyway, despite not knowing that she wanted it at all? Yes. They’re both in the wrong here. They’re both too passive, too afraid.

So the first few years of their marriage pass by like this. And Navier kinda melts into more of a depressed state over it, while Sovieshu becomes frustrated. But he doesn’t know why. He hasn’t quite put his finger on the fact that HE’S IN LOVE WITH HIS WIFE, GEE WHAT A SURPRISE BUDDY. And then... the little ingenue comes in. Trashta, with her crocodile tears, oversharing of emotions, co-dependent as all get-out. You see where I’m headed, right? It’s not just that she’s the opposite of Navier that gets Sovieshu hooked. It’s that she gives him that opportunity to unburden all this pent up romantic frustration. He can comfort, and protect, and wipe away the tears of a woman who loves him... And for a while, it’s intoxicating. That itch is finally being scratched.

Or so it seems. Because sooner or later, Sovieshu realizes that this woman is not his wife. And she’s a bit clingy, and clueless, and she’s... well, she’s not his wife. She’s not his wife. 

“Oh, dear God...” the idiot finally realizes. “I don’t want this hussy. I want my wife!” 

Ding ding ding! You did it! And it only took you--what? 20 years? After all this time, Sovieshu (and the audience playing his route) realizes. He’s not cheating because he’s bored, or because he hates his wife, or because he’s Inherently An Asshole And That’s What Assholes Do. He’s cheating because he’s using this woman as a stand-in for his wife. He’s been looking straight through this woman and seeking his wife the entire time. He’s cheating because he’s stupid and repressed and misguided and human. And again, that doesn’t excuse it. He still cheated, and that’s something he needs to spend a life-time making up for. It’s a mistake, and a big one. But it’s not fueled by a malicious hatred or a desire to hurt her. It’s fueled by confusion and fear. And, strangely enough, a desire to perform love for his wife.

So anyway, this stupid dweeb finally wakes up and realizes that no matter how much he plays around with the Town Skank, it doesn’t slate that thirst for the woman he’s spent his life growing to love. And that he actually, truly loves her to begin with. Now at this point, Navier was away travelling, doing queenly stuff. And he gets a message from a servant-- his wife is home. This boy books it. This man throws down what he’s doing, sprints across the imperial palace, to stumble at the feet of his wife; red-faced and breathless, absolutely undone. This man is screaming for his wife on the inside and now nothing he can do will quiet it. And his wife, ever the perfect pinnacle of a monarch, just raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow at him and wonders what’s got him in such a tizzy.

This is where the difference between the narratives hits especially hard. Navier has absolutely no clue that her husband is a hair-thin thread of self-control away from all of this just completely spilling out of him. She looks at him and sees a tormentor; someone who’s treating her like a used doll. And he sees this Goddess that’s been hiding in plain sigh the whole time. He sees his sins and repents before this, his wife, his almighty Goddess. But he doesn’t know what to do. She’s still been hurt by him, Trashta is still in their lives, and damn it all, he’s still frustrated. He still feels bitter and abandoned because even after everything, even after the years of marriage, his wife just seems so unaffected by him. This is where Navier’s “perfect queen” image that she tries so hard to curate really bites her in the ass.

These two dumbasses are hopelessly in love with each other but they’re deadlocked in an endless cycle of letting their prides get in the way. Navier doesn’t want to be vulnerable. Sovieshu doesn’t want to compromise, doesn’t know how to not lash out in anger when he’s really feeling sad. Unlike Navier, he can express emotions-- but not in a heathy way. So he says something mean, does something kinda shitty. And Navier thinks it’s because he delights in her suffering. So Sovieshu’s over here in his head like a cranky little child that’s mad at mommy because she’s on the phone, and Navier is over there in her head wondering why on earth her husband can’t notice a love that she’s never actually expressed to him. And it’s just terrible. But kind of hilarious. Mostly sad and terrible. But defintely hilarious.

To further illustrate this: even a lot of Sovieshu’s actions, for that matter, get warped by Navier’s unreliable narration. WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE! In the chapter where Trashta is stabbed, Sovieshu immediately screams for guards to surround Navier. So I’ll sum up their thought processes here.

Navier: Oh my God, I can’t believe this asshole. Calling the guards? He really fuckin thinks I did this?! Jerk! Asshole! He really thinks I’d arrange for a pregnant woman to be stabbed!! He’s probably deliberately framing me too, so he can get me out of the way and live happily ever after with her!

Sovieshu: OH MY GOD, MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE COULD GET STABBED NEXT SOMEONE HELP well actually maybe she had something to do with it? nah. prolly not. but even if she did idgaf I LOVE MY WIFE, I’LL COVER FOR YOU BABY I’LL FORGIVE WHATEVER. GUARDS, FIND WHO DID THE STABBING SO THEY DON’T STAB MY PERFECT WIFE NEXT

Like I wish I was joking, but that’s how it read. Anyway, I’m not done with the comic or the game yet. But Sovieshu’s motivations aren’t all as they seem. And while he’s not a perfect husband, he has the capacity to mature, let down his pride, and make steps toward atoning to his wife. I honestly and genuinely believe this marriage could be salvageable if they could come clean with each other. A lot of people want to root for Kaufman or Heinley, and I get it. Those two would probably treat her well. But the fact stands that these two are married, and surprisingly, they both actually still hold a spark of love for one another. If Sovieshu could genuinely repent, and demonstrate this to Navier, they would attain the happy marriage with each other that they both strive for. Anyway, I find myself surprisingly hooked on the story now that I see Sovieshu’s POV. He’s not a hero in this story by any means, but I’m somehow, against my better judgement, rooting for him. I’m rooting for him to make the right choices and repair his marriage. 

It’s a bold strategy, folks. Let’s see how it pays off.

[jjkpls]

untitled (m)

> genre : smut

> pairing : jeon jungkook x reader

> words : 3.6k

> warning : none

> Jeon Jungkook, the cute irresistible dongsaeng, proposes to help you out of a dry spell or something like that. (blowjob; noona kink maybe)

A/N : sorry I’m bad at summaries please read lol; also I’m sad because I couldn’t find a gif of the very moment that inspired this. also i hope the smut doesn’t suck too much (pun intended). and kookie I’m sorry TT

> Read the bonus: Jungkook’s POV after reader’s confession here !

« Wait! »

My hands jump to grab his own but I stop mid-track, almost falling off the bed. He freezes his movement, he is a second away from taking off the very last pieces of clothing covering his frame, he then raises his eyes at me. Round and large with confusion. His bottom lip, the cutely plump one, falls downward.

« What are you doing? Are you insane?! »

I may have screamed a little too hysterically because he starts pouting like an upset kid, ready to whine and maybe even cry. I almost find him adorable, almost feel bad but after a quick blink, I'm reminded that right now he is the farthest from a kid he has ever been.

His fingers are twitching nervously, centimetres away from the fly of his jeans. I am trying, concentrating all the willing power I can gather, to not look at him. But he is standing right here. So close. The enchanting smell, a mix between a sweet sugary note and a more natural one, subtle touch of sweat that makes my mouth dry and my head slightly dizzy.

I am so weak I need to close my eyes shut to stop staring at his fair skin. Even from the corner of my eyes, I can not help but notice the studded trail of hairs under his belly button, the trace his boxers' waistband has left on his skin. My heart misses a few beats and I'm terrified, for a seemingly eternal instant, that it won't start anew.

It was too sudden. It feels like a second happened between the moment he knocked on my door, and the one when he just occurs to stand right in front of me, clearly on the path of stripping himself entirely naked. His clothes must have been removed at some point but I did not even get to see it coming. Red is starting to colour his cheeks and his fingers tremble more in the air.

"Noona, you said you wanted me..." He transpires sheepishness. His words, stuttered out through pouty lips, are inarticulate, lisped even more than usual. I don't think I've heard him sounding so unconfident in the past two years. He used to be like this all the time back when we'd just met and he had a hard time hanging around me without awkwardness bubbling in his belly. I really thought that period was way behind us, buried to never see the light of day ever again as we've learned to grow so comfortable around each other. But here he is, uneasy breath stumbling out of his agape mouth, his whole being decomposing under timidness and confusion. My heart squeezes painfully in my bosom.

He doesn't get the fact that I'm turning away so far, stiff neck starting to hurt from the position, just to avoid looking at his body. He might be even a little hurt by it. My inner instinct to take care of him in any circumstances, makes me want to catch his hands in mines and squeeze them lovingly until the confusion fades away. But I know I just can not do this. Not when my fingers, even with the most careful effort, might accidentally brush against the warm skin of his chest. Not when he is mentioning this old episode. That old episode I thought had, somehow, auto-destructed itself into thin air to be forgotten by all, and especially by him -because it was over for my own case, no matter what I've tried to do: auto-hypnosis, self pep talk consisting of denying, busying my mind to make sure I don't accidentally think about it and revive the memory to my conscience, the nightmarish memory is still damnly engraved in my brain. That damned episode of that damned time when I did say that I wanted him and even more.

A little bit of soju. Literally just a little bit. I know I can not handle much alcohol. Therefore I am smart enough to avoid it for reasons similar to the one you'll learn soon enough. But I am not wise enough to ignore dumbasses provoking me restlessly.

« Laaaame! »

I glared at Kim Taehyung, head tilted to the side, eyes squinted in quiet threat. He thought he was cool but he looked ridiculous with his glassy eyes and a stupid grin he could not get rid off, swaying on his seat as if stuck on a wild boat. He had a brownish stain going from his neck to down his chest: beer he had spilt on himself after having one fucking drink. Impossible to take him seriously or even consider taking his attacks seriously. But then Park Jimin, the over sexual drunkard, was done acting like a nympho in the hallway he had decided to turn into a dancefloor and came back to the table to harass me as well, as a backup to his soulmate.

So, obviously, to shut their stupid loudmouths I downed a shot glass of soju and well, it was enough for me to lose my goddamn self-preservation and any sense of decency apparently.

It started with what I imagined to be a charming, seducing, definitely tendentious pose. Cheek set on my hand, leaning towards him with my elbow holding me up riskily on the table. I was probably swaying a little bit back and forth like the idiotic Kim Taehyung, but I didn't care. I smiled kindly at him, eyes soft and shiny with mischief.

He, as always, was sporting that dull-witted expression on his face. This kind of blank, simply still expression that doesn't say much. He looks like he is paying great attention but also like his mind is stuck somewhere else and he doesn't understand anything you're saying. Calm and relaxed, big round eyes looking confused even if he's not which, well, could be confusing.

Not that I am blaming him. But if he had a more expressive face, one that would obviously say « Noona, you're drunk and I don't feel like listening to your crap. Please shut up. » well, I would have as I should have shut up for good.

On the moment, I was mistaking the situation. Not feeling particularly weird even though I knew I was spilling some truths I had felt I shouldn't confess to him ever -at least, before this very moment of distraction. Unfortunately enough, I have a perfectly clear image of him left in my mind now. That same image that keeps making me so mortified every time it flashes, unannounced, behind my eyelids.

He was sitting still, next to me, wide eyes emphasized by his stupid Harry Potter glasses, staring at me blankly or dancing amongst the table, as if looking for any plate with anything left for him to eat. His lips slightly parted as in deep reflexion. He had a sign of... disturbance? though. Something pretty obvious. Pretty fucking obvious for someone who wouldn't be intoxicated the way I was. In fact, his leg was shaking non-stop under the table, sometimes up and down, sometimes from left to right. But mindless me, who sort of noticed, could only focus on how tight his light blue denim was stretching on his thick thigh; and the tempting skin, winking at me through the inappropriately large holes.

I leaned even closer so he could hear, him only, all that I had to tell him. About his thighs I wanted to grab, scratch, bite before riding them to cloud 9. His neck I was slightly obsessed with since I saw him once leaving a stage, pearls of sweat rolling down the expanse of his milky skin. His cute lips I imagined red, swollen from my ministration or from the effort they would put on my body; big round eyes shiny with tears from the overwhelming pleasure I wanted to torture him with; soft, dark hair stuck to his forehead, falling low on his eyes; thin waist perfectly shaped for my legs to wrap around. And his stupid ridiculous overgrown-bunny muscles that I couldn't help but imagine him using to lift me up and pin me up against the wall.

And he just left me talk. He remained there, listening carefully as he always does. Not blinking much more of usual. His doe eyes would sometimes look at me carefully, most of the times lose themselves into space, not giving up on much of what could be going on in his head. His face and neck and ears were blushing a vibrant red but I'd just assumed that the alcohol was the cause behind it. Absolutely not that I was appalling him then and there.

I had started to talk about his cock in way too obscene and creepy ways when, luckily, Park Jimin put me in a headlock, begging in a whiny honey-like voice to go dance with him. After fighting him for way too long about the fact that we were in a fucking restaurant and there was no dance floor waiting for any of us, the night I sexually harassed that poor Jungkook kid was over.

« You said that, didn't you? »

« Still, you can't- I thought- Why are you mentioning this now? »

Because it's been like five months. Since then, he's never showed any sign of interest. Literally. He's kept treating me like his noona. The unattractive noona he would not perceive like an actual potentially sexual being. As a matter of fact, he hasn't shown any sign of remembering the incident. I prayed, long and hard, for him to not have any recollection of it and it seemed to have worked. Still acting like a clown to make me laugh, invading my home to play games with me, whining cutely to have me treat him all kinds of food. There was not the least wavering in his behaviour.

I may have thought catching a bizarre hesitation in the looks he gave me at the beginning but I've come to the conclusion that the guilt and the embarrassment made me see things that were not there since, soon enough, he was back to normal.

But he did remember, didn't he?

"Noona, you need a man and I'm here." He says, firmly, straight eyebrows frowned in determination, bombing his chest. He probably thinks he looks tough but he appears quite cute like that.

"What do you mean I need a man?"

"Hyung said so." There is a curse that I can't prevent from slipping out of my mouth. I'm not sure which one of his hyungs he is talking about but I'm pissed. Why, did I think, for a second, that confiding my love -and sexual- life fiasco to them was a good idea? "I remember what you said you wanted from me the other night so here I am. I'll give it to you."

The tone of his voice, sweet and soft as always, not stranded by the tension from earlier, fills up the room and diffuses the nervosity I was suffering from. Biting back a smile, I lean to pick up the tee-shirt he discarded and give it back to him.

"Kook, I don't- Put your clothes back on."

"Wh-why? I- I will do it with you! You don't want me anymore? Why?" It takes all the power in me to not laugh at his cute desperation. I swallow it back though because I'm terrified his sheeny eyes, staring straight back into my gaze, will start spilling tears. With cautious words and a benevolent smile, I explain, calmly, that this situation is just wrong. I explain that he can't just give himself away, throwing himself at me as an offering, just because he's been told that I'm sad and lonely and horny. As kind as his gesture is -in theory- it's simply wrong. You pursue people that you want, that turn you on, not that you want to be kind to.

"I do want you, noona! I really want to do it!"

Do it. It makes me cringe. Not that he is not cute, he's quite adorable as he always is. But him not even being able because of shyness to put the right words makes me feel worse than ever. I feel like a damned sinful creature trying to corrupt a sweet innocent angel.

"You don't, Kook."

"I do!"

"You can't even name 'the thing'! You don't want it, you're just bein-"

"Stop putting words in my mouth." His hands squeeze the tee-shirt he is holding in a frustrated ball. "I do. I wanna make love with you." My heart stops once again. And my centre throbs. The whole tension from earlier trying to seep in the tip of his nose back in the conversation. He is sulking, I can tell by the lowness of his tone. Nevertheless, there is a sincerity strand impossible to ignore.

Those words I've wanted to hear for so long never sounded so good, even in the most sophisticated fantasy my mind could have come up with. My head is dizzy. My cheeks are burning. I just hope he can't see it because it'll be even harder to not give in.

"___." As if the use of my name instead of the usual honorific term doesn't translate enough his newfound confidence, Jungkook throws harshly his shirt back to the ground. Tips of cold fingers grazing the reddish apple of my cheeks, I'm exposed.

"I won't sleep with you, Jungkook." His shoulders slump down, miserably. "I'm- It's too confusing."

He is handsome. He is deadly. From the line of his body to those traits, the most captivating ones I've ever seen on any human's face. And of course, appearances and beauty are subjective. And of course, I don't think, in-depth, that they influence the least one's feeling towards someone else. Quite frankly, it's his heart the biggest and warmest one I've ever encountered that moves me. He is soft and he is so kind and so generous. Before those obscene thoughts have started invading and plugging up my mind, I only wanted to shower him with love and the most platonic kisses. I'm not even sure what happened. Probably that fucking comeback stage coming straight from hell he and his friends performed a little over a year ago.

Anyways, all I was trying to get at is that, besides his soul being so precious, he is hot as fuck and I can hardly consider that he would really, sincerely want me.

"I'm sincere! I really-"

"Jeon Jungkook, stop !" He glares at me, puffs his cheeks, sighing deeply. "You're too weird. You've never shown any interest and out of no-" In a swift motion, Jungkook grabs my hand to place it on his crotch. His bulging, obviously worked up crotch.

"Can I suck you off ?" Yes, I've just lost all willing.

"C-can you- what ?"

"Suck you off ?"

"Ye- I mean no !" He bites hard on his lower lip, the cutely plush one. "No, no, no. It's me- I'm- I'll take care of you."

"Kook, you want to do something for me ?" He nods eagerly, hair flying around, feet scooting unconsciously on the carpet to get closer. "Then let me do this. Pleasing you is what I want."

"Only if you let me take care of you afterwards." He is all frowned eyebrows and tight jaws, looking like a serious negotiator. Therefore, I simply nod, crossing under my thigh my fingers because it's a lie.

Trembling fingertips reach to touch the soft skin of his hips, he flinches under the touch and I almost decide to retract them once and for good. It's a quick glance up to his face that makes me change my mind and grab with more assurance the hem of his jeans. He is looking down at me with this telling glint shining in his pretty eyes. He really wants it. I have no doubt anymore. He is just as nervous as I am.

Leaning forward, I press a soft kiss against his bustling heart, trying to get him to relax as my hands work on getting him out of his pants. He breathes out, his nose releasing a tiny whistle that makes me grin against his skin. I'm so done for this boy. "Kook, I'm a bit eager so I won't take my time. I hope it's okay for you." I ask, peering at him from under. His jeans are unfastened and balled up around the middle of his meaty thighs -the prospect of losing probably 5 good minutes in getting those tight as hell jeans off of him just convinced me to keep them here. Meaty thighs I can't keep my fingers from digging in. God, how greedy I've been for these thighs.

"It's okay, noona, anything is okay." He reassures quickly, words tumbling out messily from the tautness he is under. When I grab a full hand of his still clothed shaft, he twitches not only under my fingers but his whole body does, a loud whimper erupting from him.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" I ask, a hint of a sneer in the edges of my tone. I'm not mean, I swear. But the cute uncontrolled noises and the vibrant red of his cheeks are just lavishing.

"Yeah, I- fu-" He bites back the curse that almost slipped when I've started massaging him, slowly but firmly, through his underwear. This cutie still cares about not cursing around me. He'll be the death of me.

He is already so hard and he feels so burning hot, my mind starts falling in a haze. It's insane the effect Jungkook has on me. He hasn't touched me in the least bit but I feel like a few words whispered by him might make me come undone.

The darker stain appearing on the tissue resolves me to get to it already. Exhaling hard as to chase away the anxiety, I slip one of my hand inside, dragging the waistband down with the other one. My eyes are observing his face carefully as to delay the moment I'll have to face his cock. Jungkook is so quiet, eyes wide and apprehensive. I smile gently at him, caring to defuse his possible uneasiness despite having to deal with my own. I don't know why I'm so nervous. Maybe because I can't really believe this is happening. Maybe because in the back of my head, anxious little versions of me are running around like headless chickens, bumping into each other, yelling something about what's going to happen after with him, our friendship and everything and everybody else. Maybe because it's been a while since the first and last time I've given head -a debacle, let's not mention it- and I'm terrified to mess up.

When I finally take my wild thoughts under control, I allow my gaze to fall down from his pretty eyes and linger on the object of all my fantasies. My heart is beating like crazy, and my breath seems too short, but I'm overwhelmed by greed and don't let another instant to pass before quite literally jumping on it.

With no sense of shame or embarrassment or doubt, I engulf the most I can of his member, swallowing around it like a starve woman, encouraged by the hissing and whining coming straight from his core.

I am way more selfish than he probably thinks me to be right now. As I'm leaning further on his shaft, between kisses and licks and sucks, slowing my pace so I can feel and enjoy the heat and the smoothness and the dizzying heaviness of his cock on my tongue, I know I wouldn't want to be anywhere else doing anything else. I'm not even sure I would trade this to have him take direct care of my needs. And I know, I am, right now, creating excellent material to recycle for the years of lonely nights I might have to spend in the future.

"Fuck, ___." He groans, looking straight into my eyes. He looks absolutely breathtaking like that. Hair sticky to his forehead, few droplets of sweat rolling down his neck, eyes glassy, and mouth agape. His bottom lip, the cute, slightly crooked plump one I too often tend to be mesmerized by when he talks, is dark as hell and I think I even catch a glimpse of bloody red.

His heavy hooded eyes are clinging to my own in an inescapable hold as my hand jerks him off fast.

"Are you close?" I breathe out, voice hoarse, mostly strained by arousal. His head falls back with another groan. He's too immersed in his own pleasure to answer but the angry red his tip is tainted with tells on him. Closing my mouth gently around the tasty-looking head, I suck hard, jerking hard while his hips follow with an erratic thrusting.

He curses and groans and whines, loud and clear, unbothered by how he might sound to me or even to my neighbours, as I help him out through his orgasm. My name erupts again and again from his sweet lips and I moan from down here, clutching my thighs one against the other wondering if I could actually come just by hearing this sinful calling of my name.

Once I swallowed everything he gave me, I peck his cock gently and release him from my hold. He falls on the bed, spent and eyelids struggling to stay open.

"Do you wanna sleep here ?"

"No, I- I'm not sleeping, I have to give it back to you."

I chuckle at his form, slumped on the mattress clearly not ready to give anything at the moment, and proceed to tuck him under the covers after I've freed him from his jeans and arranged his briefs back on. He complains for good measure but I can hear, as I'm leaving for the bathroom, that he's started snoring.

And shit, I'm not even mad about it.

[oddeyecadia]

what if it’s us? (ch. 4)

a/n: no one prolly cares abt this fic anymore but lol still gonna continue

also posted on ao3 | ch. 1 ch. 2 ch. 3

"I think Allura's my soulmate."

Just like that, everything stopped. Time, the beating of her heart, the universe itself. All the little scars and bruises on her body tingled in a strange, unpleasant way. He was the only one smiling now. The clear excitement on his face made her feel harder to breathe.

Of course.

Pidge gritted her teeth.

Of fucking course.

"I saw her left foot earlier. It was bandaged the same way as my left foot. Do you know when she got that?"

"Yeah, uh..." She had it even before you had yours, dumbass. "Just this morning, I think." Pidge internally slapped herself. She didn't want to lie, she really didn't. But she also didn't want to erase the pure joy he was clearly feeling.

Though, her decision was going to make a lot of mess was it? She took a deep breath and as she was about to change her mind, Lance's gaze fell to the floor with a look that took every breath of her away and spoke softly. "I finally found her."

Out of all of his smiles, the one he wore right then was probably the most beautiful. She could see the relief and love he was ready to give attached to it.

Something about the fact that someone else was the reason for this smile bothered her a lot. It could be just the guilt for lying, making him smile for the wrong person, that creeped up her back.

Yeah. She hoped it was just that.

"Your turn." Said Lance, interrupting her thoughts.

"Huh?"

"What were you gonna say earlier?"

"Oh. Just that I- I noticed how you and Allura have the same injury too."

There was no turning back.

___

"Stop glaring, Hunk." Pidge said quietly, feeling the intense look he was giving her.

Brown eyes kept staring at her as she continued to type on her laptop. She felt uneasy but not to the point where she couldn't focus on the email that she was writing to her professor. A letter to inform her about the extremely unfair division of tasks in her group and how her two group mates barely did anything for their project.

Somewhere in the library, she could hear Lance being absentmindedly loud again. That and Hunk's glare growing more intense was enough to make her take a deep breath and finally look at the guy across her.

"Look what you've done." He said.

"I didn't do anything."

"Exactly. You didn't do anything to stop him from thinking Allura was his soulmate! Look at him!" He whisper shouted, pointing at the main desk. There, was Allura, staring blankly at Lance who was leaning an elbow on the desk and smirking at her like an idiot.

Pidge rolled her eyes, trying her hardest to keep her blood boiling at the sight. "He looks happy."

"He looks stupid, Pidge. You know what he said to me that night? 'Would it be more romantic if I make her realize rather than just telling her?'" She fought a grin at Hunk's accurate impression of Lance's slightly high pitched voice. "And just a few weeks ago you were like 'Never. Let him find out on his own.' You two just love miscommunication and complicating things more huh?"

"It'd be more complicated if I told him while he was so stoked about the idea of another person being his soulmate. It would ruin his mood, make things awkward, and possibly ruin our friendship too." Besides, she didn't want to mess things up after they just had their deep conversation and learned to really open up to each other for the first time.

It had been a couple of days since that whole thing happened. Finals was next week, everyone had been pretty busy with their own thing. Allura had to take care of some important stuff these past couple of days that Pidge had to work at the library on her own again. Meaning, Lance didn't immediately got the chance to start his wooing.

"She's not here?" He asked the night after their "hangout friday"- as Hunk would call it.

"She has a checkup. Sorry,  loverboy ."

"Aww man." The boy looked down at his feet. "I must've hurt her real bad."

Pidge's frown deepened as she only hummed in response. It was too early for her to casually talk about soulmates after what just happened .

"Well, guess I'll just study then. Hey, Pidge."

She looked at him, he raised a brow. "You're taking care of yourself, right?"

Snorting, she couldn't fight a grin. Why was he like this? Could he stop being so nice for a second? "Yeah, don't worry. I remember your advice by heart."

Pidge cringed internally, remembering what she said.

"Fix this, Pidge."

"I will, Hunk. Just– let him have his fun for a little while." Ignoring the slight pain in her chest and Hunk's disappointed look, she finally finished the email and pressed send.

___

Shoe squeaks and loud pop music filled the gym.

The highest bleacher was cold against the palm of her hands. Pidge could see everything from up here. It was nice. Plus, she was far from everyone, far from the volleyball team playing and from the dance team which she found out was just like a bunch of Lance put in one group. Everyone was just as loud and boisterous.

"Why am I here again?"

Lance looked up at her from where he stood, one bleacher below, and flashed a smile. "Because Hunk isn't available and I'm used to having a friend watch me practice. You don't have a choice."

She let out a deep breath. At least Hunk wasn't available for real this time. Unlike the last time he left the two where he tried to play wingman.

"Ugh. Don't you have like a hobby that's a little more... quiet?"

"Oh come on, Pidge. Don't you think a bunch of college kids dancing and doing dangerous stunts is cool?"

Her attention was caught by a flyer being thrown in the air. The guy landed too quickly and it was obvious by the shocked look on their faces that his spotters weren't ready, they caught him immediately anyways.

"Fun." Her hands started sweating, seeing the team practice that same stunt again. "Is this a requirement? I mean does this boost up your grades in any way?"

"Not really. Clubs and stuff like this doesn't really add that much to my GPA." He said as he took out his water bottle.

"Why didn't you just take performing arts then?"

He took a sip. "I was going to. I wanted to study and make money out of dancing but... let's be honest, the money part would be kinda hard to achieve. So I went with my second favorite thing to do, taking care of people. I took nursing."

Pidge was about to ask another question when one of his teammates suddenly shouted. "Lance! You ready?"

"Yup! Just a sec!" Lance put down his bottle before giving her another proud smile. "Just enjoy the show, Katarina. We have like fifteen minutes left of practice. It'll be quick."

She watched as he carefully walked down the bleachers and towards his team. She bit her lip when her injured foot throbbed slightly as she saw Lance unintentionally take a hard step.

A member then approached him and said something she couldn't obviously hear.

Nodding his head, he smiled at said member before getting into position.

There was something off about that smile, though. How he went from being all jumpy to stiff right after said teammate talked to him was not a good sign too.

Pidge pushed her glasses up her nose.

The same pop music that was on repeat for minutes played again as the dance team started their routine. They did some incredible stunts and moves that could make anyone jump from their seat yet she couldn't take her eyes away from a single dancer.

Ocean waves.

That was the only thing she could think of as she watched him sway, turn, pop and glide. Lance danced so swiftly yet every move had a hint of snap. His hips didn't lie, his whole body moved so in sync with the beat.

He didn't look like he was having as much fun, though, and one time he looked as if he wasn't sure if he was in the right position which was concerning.

But still.

That was hot.

___

"I have eight papers due tomorrow and I haven't started any of them." Said Keith after taking a big gulp of milk straight from the carton as he sat by the kitchen counter.

He was lactose intolerant.

"And why's that?"

"I don't know, Shiro. Everytime I begin typing I just burst into tears."

Even through the phone, his brother's disappointed sigh was still upsetting to hear. "College's tough huh?"

Keith chuckled. "That's an understatement."

"I know but you have to be more responsible. Be more like Katie but without the overworking part." Keith frowned at the second statement, remembering all those nights he had to drag an exhausted Pidge to bed and how he hated seeing her all stressed up. He took another sip. "Speaking of, how is she? Her finals is coming up right? I hope she's not over studying again."

"Strangely but fortunately, no. She hasn't overworked herself in days."

"That's good. Matt's visiting you guys today so–"

Keith chocked on his milk before Shiro could even finish his sentence.

He totally forgot about that.

"You okay there?" Shiro asked. Keith could already see his brother's teasing smirk and it caused his ears to burn up.

"Yeah, just– Just remembered I'm lactose intolerant." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, yeah. Pidge mentioned that."

Meanwhile, Shiro couldn't help but chuckle at his little brother's clear nervousness. "Don't worry, you have my permission to say yes when he asks you out on a date. Again."

Keith went silent for a moment.

That was when Shiro spoke again, his voice softer and Keith could almost see him wearing his comforting smile. "It's okay, Keith."

Something in his chest loosened and he took a deep breath. Keith already knew what it meant for he had heard it from him a million times. It was the first time he heard Shiro say it like that, though. It felt and sounded like real reassurance this time, like not only the situation was okay, but also himself.

As if on cue, a couple of loud knocks were heard from Keith and Pidge's apartment door and he tensed up.

"Thanks, Shiro. I'll call you again later?"

"After you finish your papers first. Now go, entertain your guest."

Keith ignored Shiro's teasing tone, said goodbye and hanged up before walking towards the door.

He already had a guess of who the person on the other side was. And if he was right, said guest was a little bit early for his sister wasn't even home yet.

Here goes nothing. Keith finally opened the door and lo and behold, he was right. He hated that he was right.

Matthew Holt stood in front of him with a warm smile, the familiar scar still clear and present across the bridge of his nose. "Hey, Keith."

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz 24.07.17 lb

plain text version here. 

how even is ragini keeping her head up straight??? those earrings look heavy and painful af. ���😕😕

“siddharth ko samjao”; yeah because that’s how you handle a situation with a murderous and abusive sociopath - reasoning with him. 🙄🙄🙄

FINALLY HIS “FRONT SEAT DIMAAG” HAS WOKEN UP AND IS ASKING THE RIGHT QUESTIONS. 😫😫😫

lollllllll shivaay is 6000% done. he hasn’t slept properly in 3 days, and is so not in the mood to be hit on. 😆😆😆

‘i wish i was in bed right now. snuggling with my new baby. and my old wife.’

.... isn’t this shivaay’s car? the black honda? 🤔🤔🤔

how considerate of the attacker to bajaofy horn and give warning. 😌😌😌

oh samar. kya haal banaa rakha hai? i was rooting for you. abhi bhi der nahi hui hai, sambhal jao. 😫😫😫

ouffffff, back to this nonsense. do din ho gaye, pinky’s blah blah hasn’t ended. 😑😑😑

MAN PINKY WHAT. IS. YOUR. DAMAGE???? 😤😤😤

why’s bhavya’s android ringing with iphone ringtone? 😕😕😕

oufff rudra is getting on my nerves. this is a baby, not a damn... goldfish or something, that you thought it would be a low-maintenance project. 😒😒😒

ouffff this baby’s cheeks will be death of me. nomnomnom. *nibble nibble* 😊😊😊

oh god. i really don’t care for your romance right now, andas. 😑😑😑

snort. kiss was for baby. 😋😋😋

ooooh yes gauriiiii. askkkk him!!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

lmaoooo every damn day in this hellhole is a damn taqleef, omkara. #FreeGauri 

oh i am soooooooo glad she’s having this conversation with him straight up to his face. never thought i’d say this, but thanks for being a bitch, pinky! 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

i’m kinda on omki’s side too though. like there’s really no answer beyond he wants to see where this relationship could go. but that’s too westernized and not sanskaari enough a concept. so................ 😕😕😕

whyyyyyyyyy is bhavya showing ANIKA official evidence in an ongoing investigation? 🙁🙁🙁

finallllllly anda is using her dimaag a little. 🙁🙁🙁

waaah ragini toh is bahaaane bedroom tak ghus gayi. 😯😯😯

yeah i’d like to see this revolutionary judicial case of how an imaginary person gets sazaa and sabak. 😶😶😶

lmaooooooooooooooo, anika. what horrible plans you have for naagini. baal nochne se laathi se marne tak... 

hahaha shivaay’s face. 😂😂😂

ooooooohhhhhhhhhh boy. anikaaaaaaaaaaa. 😬😬😬

“mere shivaay.” girl. control. your faraq is showing. 😕😕😕

“EK MINUTE ANIKA!!!!!!!!! psychic woh hota hai jo bhoot se baat karta hai, you probably meant to call her PSYCHO.” 

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

OMG RAGINI’S FACE HAHAHAHAHA. GIRL, DON’T TRY TO UNDERSTAND OR GET BETWEEN THESE TWO. 😆😆😆

ouffffffffff anikaaaaaaaaaaaa. you’re suchhhhh an idiottttttttttt. 🤦🏽🤦🏽🤦🏽

ohhhhhhhhh no. paani ka glasss has been uthaaofied. 😬😬😬

oh shittttttttttt, YEH TOH ULTA PAD GAYA! 😧😧😧

(finally promo mein jo dikhaaya, hua. they’re wearing yellow too!) 

ohhhhhhh. imagination thaaaaaa. thank god. main toh samjhi anika ki thok ke bhaaav mein beizzzatttti hui. 😳😳😳

man, like i appreciate bhavya today and all... BUT DOESN’T SHE HAVE AN OFFICIAL MISSION TO DO? WHY IS SHE NOT PAYING ATTN TO THAT AND INSTEAD GETTING INVOLVED IN THESE PPL KE AWAIIII KE IDHAR UDHAR KE KITCHEN/BEDROOM POLITICS. INKA TOH ROZ HI CHALTA REHTA HAI. 🙄🙄🙄

om gentle demeanor and aura is of no use today in soothing baby. 🙁🙁🙁

oh my heart the looooooooooooooooook he gave her. 😯😯😯PUPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. *pats his shaggy head* 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍

lmao what even is this song??? 😂😂😂

lololol gauri’s “wtf am i even doing” face. 😆😆😆

“yeh kitna creepy lori gaa rahi ho tum!”

lolololololol 😂😂😂

god, his genuine distress and despair at the baby’s crying. WHY IS HE SO ADORABLE?????????????????? I WANT TO GET INTO MY SCREEN AND SQUISH THE FUCK OUTTA HIMMM. 😫😫😫😫

wow, baby really appreciates the real talk from omki. always understands it and stops fussing. 😌😌😌

omkiiiiii is like BUT SHE’S NOT MINEEE, I’M ABOUT... 37% SURE? 😞😞😞

oufffffo why is he running awayyyy from his hottt wife? stayyyy with herrrrr AND DTR.

meanwhile theseeee two attractive assholes. 🙄🙄🙄

god just... look at the way he’s LOOKING at her. 😫😫😫

he knows everything that passes through your minddddddd, anika. 😌😌😌

except the really vital shit. that he SHOULD know. that’s when his Awareness gives dhoka the most. 😑😑😑

Husbandly Haq in full display. i love this side of shivaay so much. 💖💖💖

TAFTEESH?kya baat hai, badiiiiiiiiiii urdu phoot rahi hai, acp bhavya? 😐😐😐

abbe, saara investigation aur theory toh anika hi kar rahi hai. what’s the point of this acp anda then??? 😒😒😒

“yeh ro kyun rahi hai?”

*cut to shot of completeeeeeeeeeely calm baby* 

honestly. what nonsense. they couldn’t even get ONE shot of the baby crying to use??? 😑😑😑

ew shivaay wants to name the baby PRINCESS? thank god anika already has names picked out for their babies. he clearly can’t be trusted with this. 😟😟😟

MADHUMATI LMAO. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

BINDESWARI. RADHA RANI. hahahahahaha. 😂😂😂😂

finalllly rudra wins! 😊😊😊

omgggggggg baby’s smiiiiiiiiile. sho cute. 😇😇😇

snort, rudy and his chattis daant. 🤣🤣🤣

why are three of them calling three different doctors? 🙄🙄🙄

dadi be like STOP CHANGING THE NAME OF THE BABY ON AN HOURLY BASIS, I’M OLD AND CAN’T KEEP UP! 😒😒😒

pfffffffffffft, after all that it was just the fucking AC. 🙄🙄🙄

“chup hi nahi ho rahi!”

again. about a completely silent and fuss free baby. 😒😒😒

oh god. naach gaana. fwding. ⏩⏩⏩

snort. anika has sly taana in middle of that also. 😋😋😋

he’s going to follow herrrrrrrrrrr. yaaaay, have private mein sexyyyy banter plz. 🙃🙃🙃

“agar bolne ki himmat hai, toh accept karne ki bhi himmat rakho.” 

he Knows. he Fully Knows. 😶😶😶

“shivaay singh oberoi ko koi nachaa nahi sakta. woh wohi karta hai jo uska mann karta hai.”

idiot girl, read between the lines. that if he’s acting/reacting the way you want, it’s because HE wants to do it. FOR YOU. 😗😗😗

ok such contrived falling. ouff, 20+ years of tellywood and still not a way to make these scenes look a little natural and believable. 😒😒😒

GOD JUST FUCKING KISS HER BILLU. YOU KNOW YOU FUCKING WANT TO. 😫😫😫😫😫

siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. the forehead and noses touching. i am ded. so ded. 😫😫😫😫

lollllllll raginiiii spying on them. bechaari. no matter what she does, these two end up eye-fucking. 😂😂😂

“phone nikaalo”

arre waah. not willing to let go just yet, are we? 😏😏😏

“toh mujhse chod dijiye aur phone nikaal lijiye.”

pfffffffffft, girl, why even are you... JUST ENJOY BEING HELD BY THE MAN. 😑😑😑

seedhe seedha bol kyun nahi deta, you want her to get all handsy with you and feel you up? 😏😏😏

“neeche, neeche!” 

well ideally he’d want your hands even more neeche but...... 😏😏😏😏😏😏😏 #TharkiTTisTharki

“kaan pe lagaao.” 

lmao wowwwwwww he’s still not letting go???? 😯😯😯

STAY WHERE? SHE’S STILLLLLL IN THE HOUSE. 🤔🤔🤔

notice that his entire focus is on anika, taking in her reaction. billu is noting everything. ev. ery. thing. 😏😏😏

billu isn’t liking paanika’s quiet and docile responses. he wants tadakti bhadakti hui anika, who’ll make a scene. 😊😊😊

lmaoooo what even technology is this, that allows you to mirror a phone by just... standing a few meters away??? 🤔🤔🤔

oh hooooooooo, this tej plot still exists. 😒😒😒

what even is she wearing, jesus above. i love denim too, but... come on. 😐😐😐

damn, is tej playing svetlana too???? 😯😯😯

svetlana calling tej a dumbass: my aesthetic. 😎😎😎

svetlana’s in a moooood today. she isn’t to be fucked with. 😈😈😈

YAAAAAAAAAS GIRL, MURDER HIM. ☠☠☠

oufffffffffffff i really don’t care about rudra/bhavyaaaaaaaaa. please stop shoving them down my throat. 😡😡😡

oh thank godddddd. bhavya’s been reassigned. please go away, bhavya. thanks. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

“lambe baalon waale daddy” pffffffffffffft

murder attempt on jhanvi in the car, anjali from ipk style? 🤔🤔🤔

lol om’s fuck you face. 😆😆😆

man, like... CANONICALLY, there’s a 4 year difference between om and rudra, what the fuck even do they mean om was the one who changed his nappies?????? KUCH BHIIIIIIIIIIIIII. 😒😒😒

oh how “COINCIDENTAL” that the story he’s reciting is an EXACT reflection of his life. pfffffffffffffffffft. 🙄🙄🙄

shankar ji has made these three guys meet a lot of girls. were they “meant to be” with all those women??? 😐😐😐

god gauri, make up your mind. do you think you’re meant to be, or do you want him to decide on his own what this relationship means to him? coz you can’t be like “i think we’re meant to be, BUT I ALSO WANT YOU TO THINK THAT AND STOP ME.” 😑😑😑

pari got fucked out of a story thanks to these two’s awaiiii ka drama. poor baby. 😔😔😔

this stupid story was too fucking complex for her anyway. come here baby, i’ll tell you a more age appropriate story. 😚😚😚

lol the hands are obvioussssssssly a woman’s hands, come on jhanviiiiiii. 😒😒😒

TELL ME SVETLANA IS HERE TO TEAM UP WITH JHANVI. PLEASE. PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEE. 😯😯😯

oufff rudra, you really need to start fucking listeningggggg to ppl when they talk. 😑😑😑

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SVETLANA’S HERE TO WARNNNNNNN JHANVI!!!!!! OMFGGGGGGGGGGG YESSSSSSSSSSS!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

SVETLANA CALLING JHANVI STUPID: MY AESTHETIC. 😎😎😎

I JUST FUCKING LOVE SVETLANA OK.

JHANVIIIIIIII, I LOVE YOU, BUT YOU ARE SO DAMN DUMB I SWEAR. 😒😒😒

YAAAAAAAAAAS FINALLY JHANVI KI DIMAAG KI BATTI JALI. 💡💡💡

IN THE DISTANCE, PINKY BE LIKE: 

ouff gunda nonsense tomm. don’t even fucking care, honestly. give me more of svetlana, jhanvi and pinky fucking tej like a sr. version of charlie’s angels, please!!!!!! ain’t noone care about the stupid younger generation and their fizool roz ka drama, when i can get the middle aged ladies being badass!!!!!!!!!!!!! 👯🏽👯🏽👯🏽

[double-birds-blog]

The Cascade of Failures Involving #RallyCat Is the Most 2017 Cardinals Thing Possible

By Adam Felder

Wednesday night, something magical happened for the Cardinals. Down 5-4 late-ish to the Royals, the club was about to squander a golden scoring opportunity when Yadier Molina strode to the plate with the bases loaded.

Yadier Molina shouldn’t be batting fifth. Or Dexter Fowler fourth. But hey, as Mike Matheny errors go, at least Fowler and Molina should both be playing, so him screwing up the order in which they batted is a comparatively minuscule error.

But against Peter Moylan, who eats righties for breakfast (just ask Paul DeJong, who flailed helplessly and struck out on three pitches a couple minutes prior), a below-average hitter like Yadi wasn’t terribly likely to be a hero. He took a pitch, getting ahead 1-0.

And then the magic happened.

An adorable kitten ran out onto the field. Neither the TV broadcast nor the radio broadcast correctly identified it at first, but I can hardly blame Mike Shannon or Al Hrabosky for not making out what it was at first. But eventually: pretty obvious it was a cat. It trotted past Lorenzo Cain in center field, who wanted nothing to do with it, settling around the warning track in center.

A member of the grounds crew, Lucas Hackmann, ran out onto the field to corral the cat. His technique was…well…not so bright, as anyone who’s worked with animals can attest. Cats can scratch and bite and it hurts. Kittens in unfamiliar surroundings while chased by some random dude…they’re gonna scratch and bite too.

None of this seemed to dissuade Hackmann, who dutifully scooped up the animal and began trotting toward the seats. He got a couple scratches and bites for his troubles, ultimately settling on grabbing the cat by the scruff of its neck and holding it as far from the rest of his body as possible. It worked, as he made it off the field and into…well, we’ll get to that in a bit.

Back to the magic.

Moylan, whether unnerved by the delay, or just because baseball is random and sometimes weird things happen, left a pitch center cut for Molina. And Molina, while not a great hitter, seems to be entering the Old Man Strength phase of his career, as he roped it for a grand slam that was obviously gone off the bat. Cardinals up 8-5, everyone’s happy, Yadi takes a curtain call.

Thanks, Rally Cat!

Solid bullpen work mopped up the victory, putting the Cardinals inexplicably 1.5 (and now 1) games back of 1st despite being a thoroughly disappointing team all season.

And while Zach Duke, Seung-Hwan Oh, and Trevor Rosenthal were salting away the magical comeback, the Cardinals had already fucked up the larger moment off the field.

They lost the cat. Not because he got away from the employee, but because of an extended cavalcade of stupidity where any single person could have prevented it, but failed.

The only thing that would make this more 2017 Cardinals is if the club explained it couldn’t retain the cat because doing so would forfeit a draft pick.

Let’s run this down, shall we? Apologies in advance for linking to the advertising garbage pile that is STLToday.com, but the reporting here is necessary.

The Cardinals employee, Hackmann, who scooped up the cat? He’s fine, by the way, thank goodness. He’s also kind of foolish for thinking he could just approach a random scared animal with no equipment, or a box, or a towel, or anything at all, and not get torn up a bit. But his next step after getting the cat off the field was not to quarantine the cat, or get it somewhere safe, or ask someone what to do.

He instead took it outside to the Musial statue outside the ballpark, and let it go so that he could go seek medical treatment. Which is pretty damned stupid, but I can’t blame the guy too much. He had no idea what to do, the club (by its own admission a day later) had no procedure for stray animals on the field–despite the fact “cat on the field” happens a few times each season across MLB, including an event involving the Cardinals only a year ago. So “ouch, my hand freaking hurts; let’s just let the cat go back to hanging out at the ballpark since nobody told me what to do, I need to go get this looked at” seems an understandable, if negligent action.

So now we’ve got a stray cat that lived in Busch Stadium back to being a stray cat that lived in Busch Stadium (pretty sure it wouldn’t be at all difficult for a kitten by the Musial statue to get back to wherever it hung out previously). Which is a missed opportunity to find a home for a cat that had people lining up on social media to adopt it, and that’s pretty bad. But this is the 2017 Cardinals, so of course it has to get stupider, with more missed opportunities.

A local fan, Korie Harris, ostensibly wanting to care for the cat—but given her actions more interested in being a Famous Cat Lady—went looking for Rally Kitten. Harris went outside, found the cat, scooped it up, and allegedly planned to adopt it. Cool!

Wait, no; she’s a fucking idiot. Here is what you do when you plan on adopting a stray cat: you put the cat in a carrier, or a box, or something. You put it in your car. You go home. You schedule an appointment with the vet as soon as you’re able.

Here is what she did: she grabbed the cat. She…posed for pictures with random people around the ballpark, apparently enjoying her newfound fame. She lied to ballpark security that this was her cat that’d gotten away. (Why club security didn’t do anything about the idiot who brought her cat to the ballpark remains a mystery; another systems failure in a series of cascading failures.)

Then, I guess when she got tired of mugging for the camera, she tried (allegedly) to get the cat home. Except the cat ran off.

Billy Madison knew what to do when an animal you care about runs off, and he was an idiot–it’s the whole premise of the movie. Thus, this lady is dumber than Billy Madison. She says she looked for it for hours, but she also says she then went to a local bar to tell the tale of the one that got away.

I recognize that this is one of the dumbest and least important things to get all “a ha!!!” about, but let’s think about this. The cat incident happened around 9 p.m. local time. She clearly spent some time mugging for the camera and otherwise being a dumbass, so let’s say the cat gets away from her around 10 p.m. If she looked for it “for hours,” she’s getting to her local bar around midnight, and telling tales for a couple hours until closing time. I mean, I guess it’s possible, and far be it from me to impugn someone’s right to hang out at a bar on a Wednesday night until the wee hours of the following morning, but which is more likely: she’s a late-night bar patron, or she’s just a goddamned idiot who made up a story so she wouldn’t look quite so bad while getting the fame she so clearly desired?

So now we have a cat that has actually seen its station in life get worse, since now it’s a stray cat in some strange-ass neighborhood it doesn’t know. Way to go, lady. And you definitely made yourself look really smart and dedicated by posing for photos of you…throwing dry cat food in bushes the following morning as if the cat’s a Pokémon and gonna magically appear because of your dank kibble lures.

Failure by the club to properly plan for an infrequent (but certainly plausible) event, failure by an employee to think ahead while understandably concerned for his own well-being, failure by that employee’s superiors for not recognizing the moment and making sure their new viral star was looked after, failure by club security for not realizing an idiot fan’s lie, and failure of an idiot fan to not be an idiot. Well done, everyone.

But wait! There’s more! The Post-Dispatch, never one to fail to sugar-coat one of the organization’s screwups, applied the same level of scrutiny to the idiot fan. The article I linked above should be headlined “Local idiot endangers animal in attention grab; is a loser.” It’s not.

And then, lastly, there’s the club and how it handled the cat. During the broadcast, it started to be obvious nobody knew where the cat was, but that didn’t stop Dan McLaughlin from reporting the Humane Society had picked it up (this is almost certainly not McLaughlin’s fault; presumably someone told him the Humane Society picked it up). There were dramatic shots of an empty cat carrier during the broadcast. Surely it’d ferry our star off to its forever home, the implication goes! Meanwhile, kitty is either staring at Stan or being carried around by a buffoon. Or hiding in the bushes from the aforementioned buffoon.

Which brings us to Thursday morning, when the Cardinals issued their press release on the status of Rally Cat. Plainly stating they had no idea what happened to the cat, that Harris lied to them, that they’ll come up with a stray animal procedure in the future to prevent further screw-ups, and then closing with a pun that’d make Piers Anthony cringe.

It was a shitty press release. No apology. No admission of culpability. No “Hey, we’re an organization where Tony LaRussa had huge sway for over a decade; maybe we could make a donation to his charity, or we could encourage fans to adopt their own rally cat/dog/rabbit at their local shelter.” Just “This lying fan; we’ll make a process, hope someone finds the cat lol, oh and also go Cardinals baseball!”

A tone-deaf and indifferent response from a tone-deaf and indifferent organization. The only thing that’d make it better is the club capitalizing on Rally Cat merchandise even while its indifference had endangered the life of the eponymous animal.

Oh wait, they already did that.

The St. Louis Cardinals aren’t evil or malevolent. They’re just really damned stupid, constantly. The organization is just a big dumb giant striding about and making things worse without noticing or caring about its community. In the grand scheme of things, one kitten is about the smallest and least consequential victim, but it’s not as if the club hasn’t been indifferent about human flooding victims, or victims of drunk driving despite two players dying of it, and a high profile manager getting popped for DUI during his tenure.

This stupid team, and its stupid fans that enable this stupid behavior.

…I hope they win tonight.

[tellywoodtrash]

ishqbaaz lbs: 4th + 5th may

suchhhh bad acting by the qaidis. lord, why can’t this show get better extras? 😐😐😐

pft. shivaay singh oberoi just DANCED around drunk on magic berries with a bigger gun than that. try harder, qaidis. 🙄🙄🙄

lmao, shuru ho gayi apni madam. 😋😋😋

HAHAHAHA AMAR PREM 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

“naam sunte hai pata chala tha tum filmy aur awaara kism ke ladke ho, but no! tum toh nikkame aur nithalle bhi ho.” 😂😂😂

lol shivaay’s reaction to her ENERGY. 😂😂😂

OMG JUST WHEN I THINK I CAN’T LOVE ANIKA MORE, SHE QUOTES ANDAZ APNA APNA. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I WOULD DIE FOR THIS GIRL. I WOULD. MOVE OVER SHIVAAY. NO ONE CAN LOVE HER MORE THAN ME. 😭😭😭

this is exaaaaaaaaactly how i react when ppl tell me they haven’t seen andaz apna apna. 😧😧😧

jesus i feel like gul & co. are stalking me. *looks around suspiciously*

these qaidis need to get a grip with the bad acting. 😕😕😕

shivaay is so undeserving of my queen. can she leave his unappreciative ass and marry me? ours shall be a happy, andaz apna apna quote filled union. 👭🏽👭🏽👭🏽

why are the qaidis holding hands? are they lovers, ‘i love you philip morris’ style? 🤔🤔🤔

also i swear i’ve seen the moochi waala qaidi somewhere before. 😐😐😐

lmaooooooooo shivaay’s faceeee when she keeps talking. 😂😂😂

lol, the moochi waala qaidi is thissss close to losing it. i guess you need to be exposed to anika for a really long time to build up resistence the way shivaay has. 😋😋😋

whattttt kinda stupidass police doesn’t know what the faraar qaidi look like? 😒😒😒

i really think the qaidi are lovers. look how affectionately that one is sehlaofying the other one’s knee. 😙😙😙

who died and made anika the leading expert on tyres? 🙄🙄🙄

lol, sach mein aaj bohut bakbak kar rahi hai. i think she MIGHT still be high on berry juice. 😂😂😂

lo. aur police. 😐😐😐

finally. someone knows what INDIA’S LEADING BUSINESSMAN looks like. 😒😒😒

BIWI BIWI BIWI BIWI. man is unstoppable. i think he’s just glad someone’s married to his annoying ass.  😂😂😂

aaaaaaaaand moochi waala qaidi’s lost his temper finally. 😝😝😝

OUFF, SHIVAAY. YOU’RE THE BIGGEST IDIOT. I THINK THIS IS PROOF HE’S A BONAFIDE OBEROI, COZ SUCH DUMBASSERY IS 100% OBEROI GENES. 😑😑😑 

lol anika talking about her hair routine featuring mehendi reminds me of the scene where she offers omkaara shikakai and reetha waala shampoo as thanks for clearing her name of the chip waala accusation. 😂😂😂

why the fuck hasn’t shivaay noticed that the policeman is out cold???? 😒😒😒

CODEWORD BHI NAHI SMAJHTA, BEWAKOOF!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😤😤😤

“lagta hai bhabiji ko antakshari khelni hai.” lmao 😂😂😂

haha shivaay’s fake laugh. 😂😂😂

oh god, please don’t make HIM sing. 🙉🙉🙉

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG SHIVAAY’S GETTING MAD THAT ANIKA’S SINGING DURING HIS TURN. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

shivaay singh oberoi, antakshari enthusiast. who knew. 😇😇😇

… i’m so surprised shivaay even knows how to play antakshari. it’s such a LS game as far as he’s concerned. 🤔🤔🤔

LMAO LOOK AT HIM ENJOYING ‘GOLI MAAR BHEJEEEE MEIN’ AS IF IT’S SOME CLASSICAL RAAG 😂😂😂😂

oh godddddddddddddd now he’s even singing along to oye oye. this fucking idiot. 😂😂😂

FUCKINGGGGGG FINALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYY! 

LOL WHY IS HE STILLL SINGINGGGG ALONNNNNGGG???? 😂😂😂

could youuuuu people run a little FURTHER, and not just stop at the first thing you found???????? idiots. 😒😒

“tum theek ho?” awwww 😭😭😭😭

lmaooo “haan par US WAQT ka code word tha na!” pffffffft. typical husband wala excuse. 🙄🙄🙄

“TOH ACHCHI QUALITY KA BRAIN KHAREEDNA CHAHIYE THA NA!!!!!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA 😂😂😂😂😂

he doesn’t know what oootpataang means??? it’s a normal word though?? 😐😐😐

I TOLD YOU FUCKERS TO RUN FURTHERRRRRRRRRRR 😩😩😩

qaidis are taking full opportunity to fucking ACT the fuck out of the 3 minutes given to them. 😒😒😒

shivaay, you know she’s not gonna leave your stupid ass, as much as you deserve it. it’s her one fatal flaw. 😑😑😑

pffffffft, so only you can talk crap about how much she talks eh? 🙄🙄🙄

lmaooooooo anika and her thermocol ka stone. 😂😂😂

qaidi 2 ki actingggggggg. amazing. 

headcanon: patidev was finding anika all types of sexy and advancing to kiss the crap outta her when that stupid qaidi interrupted. 😠😠😠

is this the time to pick a fight, shivaay? kissss her! 😚😚😚

i feel like my liveblogs these days should just be a bullet point after bullet point screaming “kiss her!!!!!!!!!!!” and nothing more. 😐😐😐

please, is that why you stood in front of a gun, ready to take a bullet with her name on it FOR THE SECOND FUCKING TIME???? 🙄🙄🙄

this is an equal opportunity bullet-taking relationship, asshole. you better accept that and get used to it, mister. 😑😑😑

LMAOOOOOOOOOOO THEM SCREAMING SHUT UP AT THE QAIDI. AND HIM ACTUALLY PUTTING HIS FINGER ON HIS LIPS. 😂😂😂😂

she’s right. it is yourrrrr fault, shivaay. your nosy NKK enquiring ass is to fault! 😒😒😒

“haddi-tod bhi” LMAOOOOOOOOOOOO 😂😂😂

I SWEAR TO GOD IF THIS KANJI EYED MOTHERFUCKER GETS HIMSELF SHOT AGAIN, IMMA RESURRECT HIS DEAD ASS AND KILL HIM ALL OVER AGAIN MYSELF. AND IT’LL BE PAINFUL AND FUCKING SLOW. FUCKING HELL. 😡😡😡

5th may

lmaoooooo wait, they’re really named AMAR PREM? hahahahahaha 😂😂😂

shivaay’s sideeye at the qaidis while watching them argue. 😂😂😂

“mere koooo kyunnn maaara????” - said in the same voice and tone as “tere ko kisneee maaara????????” from gunda 😂😂😂

anika’s turn to stand in front now. #feminism 💁🏽💁🏽💁🏽

oh mooch wale qaidi. that was a mistake. you made SSO angry. you won’t like him when he’s angry. 😬😬😬

“BIIIIIIIIIIWIIIIII HAI MERIIIIIIIIIII! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS RAN OUT ON MY ASS ON MY WEDDING DAY???? YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO GET HER TO MARRY ME? AND TO KEEP HER MARRIED TO ME ON A DAILY BASIS? IT’S FUCKING HARD. DON’T YOU FUCKING BE SHOOTING AT THE ONLY WOMAN ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH WHO CAN TOLERATE ME!!!!!!!!”

lol nakuul having to stand on his tippy toes to match the qaidi’s height. 😂😂😂

why’s he pointing the gun towards himself tho? such a fucking idiot. 😒😒😒

pfffffffffft, i already know the qaidi’s the one who’s getting shot. awaaiiiii ka drama. 🙄🙄🙄

looks like policeman finallly fucking woke up from his mini coma. 😐😐😐

also, god, so overdramatic, mooch waale qaidi. bas haath pe hi toh laga hai. that’s like a rudra level graaaaaaze. ask these two how a gunshot to the fucking chest feels. 😒😒😒

yaaaaaaaaaaas, you hug the crap outta your husband girl. 😊😊😊

and since he’s not taking the initiative, maybe YOU kiss him. it’s 2017, girls can do that now. 🙆🏽🙆🏽🙆🏽

coz she loves your dumb ass, you dumbass. 😒😒😒

ouff. you two. less fighting. more makeout-ing. 🙄🙄🙄

oh ho, ghoom phir ke back to NKK. 😑😑😑

btw, is this all happening in front of the chor-police? like… you two should maybe take this behind that wall. 😕😕😕

aw. he’s trying. 😭😭😭

i know he is, but… come on man, you’re a grownass adult. you gotta learn how to control your impulses. you can’t just do whatever the fuck you “want”. i WANT to quit my job and just stay in bed, braless all day. i WANT to never eat another healthy meal again and just subsist on potato chips and popcorn for the rest of my life. can i do that? NO. COZ THAT’S WHAT BEING A GODDAMN ADULT IS ABOUT. YOU CONTROL YOUR IMPULSES AND DO THE RIGHT THING. 😒😒😒

aaaah, finally she said it. 😭😭😭

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

also, crying. my boy’s grown up. he’s SO grown up. waaaaaah. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

amazing what some rottenass alcoholic berries and having a gun pointed in your face can do! they’ve given this man the self awareness he’s been lacking for 33 fucking years. 😐😐😐

ok, did he stay up all night reading some relationship therapy book or what? he’s talking classic counselling language. 🤔🤔🤔

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh, they love each other sooooo muchhhhhhhhhh. and iiiiiiiii love them soooooooo muchhhhhhhhhhh. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

COULD YOU FUCKERS AT LEAST FUCKING KISS NOW?!!? 😩😩😩

GODDAMNIT POLICE OFFICER!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY WERE GONNA KISS! THEY ALREADY HAVE A BROTHER WHO DOES GHATIYA INOPPORTUNATELY TIMED SHAYARI BACK HOME. NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPIDASS FUCKING SHER. 😡😡😡

also, where did the second policeman come from?? 

GO HOME AND SEXXXXXXXX NOW!!!!!!!!!!! 👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽👉🏽👌🏽

walk, you spoilt braaaatttt! 🙄🙄🙄

CHAMPA!!!!!!!!! 😇😇😇

lmaooooo anika’s wonderstruck look at her ownnnn hands. such fucking cute. i love her so much. 💖💖💖💖💖💖

lmaoooooo “zindagi bharrrr yeh sunna hoga” suchhhhh a typical husband. 😂😂😂

lol tumhare paas jet THAAA. it crashed, remember? 😋😋😋

LMAO SHE’S SOOOOO ME. SUCHHHH A PATRONIZING SMUGASS BITCHHHHHH. 😂😂😂

awwww look how nervous he is. 😊😊😊

HELLO CHAMPU! 😂😂😂 

she just SHOVED him offffff lmaooooo 😂😂😂😂

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HE’S COVERING HIS FACE!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“dono” haha awwwwwwwwww 😙😙😙

“is baare mein kisi ko bataana mat.” 

omgggggggg this adorable fuckerrrrr. 💘💘💘💘

“pair theek se aa rahe hai?“ 

kyun nahi aayenge? utniiiii height toh hai nahi iski. 😋😋😋

lollllllllllllllllllll he doesn’t know what to do with his handsssssssss. 😂😂😂

why the random flashbacks to the #shitia party? 🤔🤔🤔

ouffffff, back to this hellhole. can’t my babies just stayyyyy in the foresttttttttt? 😫😫😫

lmaoooooooo look at him saunter in coooooolllly in the bg. 😆😆😆

UGH. CALM DOWN MUMMEH. HE’S BACK NOW. 🙄🙄🙄

and fuck your passive aggressiveness. 😑😑😑

shivaay’s silent but slightly annoyed “I’M A GROWNASS ADULT” face is my permanant face at my mom. 😐😐😐

mummeh doesn’t appreciate being dismissed like that. 😬😬😬

nor does she appreciate him being a GOOD FUCKING HUSBAND. THERE IS NOTHING I FUCKING HATE MORE THAN THIS DESI CONCEPT OF “JORU KA GHULAM”. IT’S CALLED BEING A CONSIDERATE, LOVING HUSBAND. MAJAAAAAL HAI KI THE PATRIARCHY LET A MAN BE DEMONSTRABLY AFFECTIONATE AND CARING TOWARDS HIS GODDAMN WIFE. 👿👿👿👿

i’ve said it once, i’ll say it again: fuck you very much pinky. please die, thanks. 👹👹👹☠☠☠

god what nonsense. looks like gauri’s bullshit #pativrataness is spreading via air to anika. ugh. LET HIM TOUCH YOUR GODDAMN FEET IF THAT’S WHAT HE WANTS. 😒😒

goddddddd pinkyyyyyyyyyy, LEAVE THEM ALONE!!!!!!!! BHOOT KE TARAH MANDARAAA RAHI HAI HAMESHA. 😑😑😑

and he said he doesn’t wanna do the damn pooja. DROP IT, MUMMEH! 😠😠😠

yeah, whatever. good luck trying. now leave. 🙄🙄🙄

“khud ko change karne ki koshish kar raha hoon. mere liye tumhara naam khoon khaandaan TUMSE IMPORTANT NAHI HAI.“ 

excuse me. it’s raining on my face. 😭😭😭

… ”HUMAAAAAAARE LIYE”. SAY IT! SAY IT! 🙃🙃🙃

HAAAAAAAA, HE SAID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! 😂😂😂

“ek dusre ke liye goli khaa sakte hai… toh mom ki gaali khaa hi sakte hai.“ 

lol idk about you shivaay, but i’d rather khaaofy goli rather than mom ki gaali, coz desi moms and their daant is waaaay more emotionally traumatic. 😫😫😫

also, waaaaaaaaaaaaah, i loveeeee himmmmmmmmmm. 😭😭😭

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT MAHI VE CONFIRMED TO BE SHIVAAY KA BHAI 😱😱😱

today’s lb will be put up like… waaaaaay later. :)