#this dumb fuck has NO idea he's got the biggest fucking crush on Haru

[pixelatedrose]

The Weave of Silence

Letter Entries

Letter entries written by Callahan at varying parts in the Weave of Silence campaign

Note: Anything that has a strikethrough is meant to represent either something that was erased or heavily crossed out.

Session number 26: Ancestral Spirits

Entry 11: Let Me Explain How You can be Full of Emptiness

     Dear Mother and Father,

     I think…

     …

     You know I never got much of a chance to feel any normal emotions after you left me. I mean, I don’t even remember you. My earliest memory is of me and Mar-Mar sitting in his chair, me on his lap, drinking spiced cocoa and reading a book. Mar-Mar says that I was just about ten when that happened.

     But I don’t remember you.

     I don’t remember what it felt like to have you leave me- to have you die…

     I never felt sad, like how all the children in my storybooks did.

     I never felt angry, like the way little Henry was when his dad never came home from war.

     I never felt.

     I think I know, now, what I should have felt like, all those years ago when you abandoned me.

     …

     Haru left me.

     Well, I suppose it was me who did the leaving part…

     It wasn’t my fault, but in a way that it entirely is.

     I suppose I should stop dancing around the subject and actually tell you what happened…

     We woke up in our actual bodies the next ‘morning’, just like the Queen had said would happen. After a bit of reorienting ourselves back into our normal bodies, checking to make sure everything still felt the same and all, I kind of realized that, well, we could go home now.

     Now back in my own fully rested body, I had forgotten that Monty still needed a bit of rest. But quite honestly, Monty didn’t care. He wanted to get home just as badly as everyone else. Fortunately for him, Sylas was having none of that and cast a spell to help him recover quicker. 

     If my memory is serving me at all, I’m pretty sure it was lesser restoration? I’ve seen it cast more than a couple times by Sylas and Monty, and I remember reading about it a little back when I was still trying to find some way to mute my magic.

     In any case, Monty was feeling better, so now there was really no risk to going home!

     It...I still can’t describe the feeling it gave me, knowing that within the hour we’d be back on the prime. Back where I could...Where I would be leaving everyone to live with Mar-Mar again… It felt like an almost nauseous mix of pure excitement and relief, and...something else, that was a lot heavier. I don’t know what it was- maybe the universe’s sick way of a warning sign, I don’t know. The feeling is long gone now anyway, it doesn’t matter.

     While everyone else was packing up, I asked Haru if I could use his bracelet- the one that had let him speak with Archion. He smiled at me and said of course. He asked if I wanted to do it here, with everyone else in the room. I didn’t...so I told him. But I also didn’t want to go off into the castle on my own, not after what I saw could wander in here. Haru asked if I wanted him to come with me, I said yes and I thanked him.

     When we were walking through the halls, he asked me again about me leaving.

     I couldn’t find the words again…

     ...I still don’t know why…

     I changed the topic and went inside a little room off to the side and asked Haru how to use the bracelet.

     I apparently would only get one minute to talk.

     That was okay with me, I don’t think an extended conversation with Mar-Mar would have gone well anyway…

     So I spoke. I told him that I didn’t know how long it’d been, and that I didn’t want to know. I told him that I was safe, and I told him that I was coming home. Soon.

     I...still don’t know how well it worked or if he even heard me. All he said in that one minute was “Fuck.” and “Not again…” and then that was it. My minute was up. I only pray, to whatever gods will hear me, that he actually heard me. I have my doubts though…

     That was fine though, whatever, that’s okay. Mar-Mar didn’t hear me and that’s alright, just means my arrival will be a little more of a surprise than originally intended.

     And that was it.

     We went back to the group and all got ready to travel back.

     Well, okay, so Becket had apparently just disappeared while we were gone- the asshole- he didn’t even leave his goddamn BELT BEHIND!!! And MAYBE if he HAD, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE FUCKING HAPPENED-

     I...Needless to say, the next time I see that damn fucking changeling I will kill him.

     ...Everyone decided to activate their belts at once, save for Xinniani and Shade of course, who didn’t have any, and Haru, who was taking a moment to speak with Shade.

     I swear I only hesitated for a moment or two before activating my belt, I just wanted to make sure Haru was also coming along.

     But when I tried to activate it, it only...it only sparked.

     It was broken. Maybe...but it didn’t feel like how it had felt the first time I tried to use it. Back then it had felt completely powerful, just like there was a heavy wall or block between myself and the magic inside. This time it felt...broken.

     In a split second that felt like my world reordering itself, all the gears painfully crunching to try and reverse their ever-steady churn, I resigned myself to the fact that I would be stuck a little bit longer than the others.

     But- it was okay!! It was okay!! It would have been okay.

     Shade would be there with me, and between the two of us, we could have made it to the rift in the capitol safe enough. Maybe he could have shown me a few new tricks with my magic.

     I wasn’t upset, I wasn’t.

     After all that I had been through, I think I would have been okay.

     But dammit…

     Dammit…

     Haru just fucking HAD to be the goddamn self-sacrificing JACKASSED IDIOT HERO!!!

     He just-

     He just--

     Why couldn't you trust me, Haru…?

     I...He saw that I was struggling with my belt. He asked me about it. I waved him off, told him it was nothing to worry about- that he should go along with the others, that I’d be right behind him.

     It wasn’t a complete lie.

     It wasn’t anything to worry about and he should have gone ahead with the others.

     ...Maybe I wouldn’t have been right behind him, but...was that really such a horrific lie when we both knew it wasn’t true…? Was it really, truly, so bad when it would have made everything so much easier, just to have said it? Just so that maybe at least one of us could convince ourselves it was true enough to be okay??

     Do I have to say that Haru didn’t bite the line?

     It didn’t take a fucking scientist to figure out that my belt was broken, and Haru knew it. He got upset that I had said it was all going to be okay. I continued to press on that it was because it would have been.

     I told him not to wait- by all the gods he made it so fucking hard for me to be okay with everything that was happening. It was so so hard, every single moment he stayed longer. Every moment he argued back. Every moment I had to think about watching him leave. 

     Haru, the stubborn asshole, wasn’t having any of it. He managed to somehow put his own working belt around my broken one. I shoved it back at him, but he just put it right back on me. I saw where that was going so I just let it sit there. I had no intentions of activating it anyway...god I was so fucking stupid, stupid, stupid-

     I argued with him that he had people waiting for him- Archion, who he’d never been without for just about his entire life; and Sylas and Monty and Askrath, who he’d been traveling companions with- friends with- for more than a month now at least! I reminded him of the job he has left to do, people he needs to see, everything to try and get him to leave-

     God, I don’t know why it hurt so damn much the longer he stayed, the more he tried to get me to go back, the more he looked at me, saw me, was with me- I suppose I’ve never had a friend like Haru in so long...maybe ever, I guess I forgot how care the right amount…

     Haru argued back with me but it was full of holes and I just- I still- I don’t know why he pushed so fucking hard to get me home when he had so much more waiting for him.

     He argued that I also had Sylas, and Monty, and Askrath waiting for me- Xinniani was gone now, I don’t recall when or where she left from, but it was safe to assume she was in the Prime now too- he said that I had her and Becket to go back for and everyone else. He said it like I was going to stick around them for much longer! He said it like I was close to them the way I was close with him I had been traveling with them for as long him! He said it like I had always felt the need to complete their mission with them!

     He argued that I had Mar-Mar waiting for me too, that I needed to go see him. But he knows that while Mar-Mar may be the only one I have, we’re not so close anymore like him and Archion are...God DAMMIT HARU!!! Goddammit…

     I…

     …

     I got upset.

     For just a moment, for just a fucking moment.

     I lost control.

     It...It wasn’t a lot.

     It wasn’t even as strong as some of the surges I had had in the past few days.

     But...It was...it was enough.

     Haru’s belt around my waist began to glow, the instant I felt myself slip. It was a bright white that began to fountain out of the thing and pool and flow, whipping around me like a gentle river flow, unaware, innocent, pure, unknowing of what it was doing.

     I couldn't help but panic more and I tried to unclip the belt- I didn’t care if the thing would have broken too, at least then we would’ve been-

     But it couldn’t unclasp. 

     I don’t know when I had started crying. 

     I just remember a horrible and primal fear latch onto me. Or at least fear is the closest thing I can think of to what was smoking and bubbling in my stomach. It felt as if I had swallowed an entire hot tar pit, and my insides were fuming toxic and scorching itself with the sticky poison.

     I tried to grab onto Haru- anything that was him- I couldn’t leave him like this!!! I couldn’t- I can’t- I didn’t want to leave!!

     I swear on my life I’ve never wanted something more, never, than to somehow, somehow, show up in the Prime with Haru right where I held him.

     I pulled him as close as he and I could get- as if maybe...maybe if I held him close enough, we could just go home together. That maybe the magic white flood would engulf him along with me.

     I don’t know how or when, but looking back, I think I made a silent sort of vow to myself to never leave any of them behind, no matter what. Not if this is what it felt like.

     …

     I…

     I was in the Gatekeeper’s house.

     Far too quickly, I was there.

     I’m not...ashamed, to say I screamed. I pounded the ground like it was to blame for the friend that had been ripped out of my grasp with no consent of my own.

     I don’t know when he had even walked in the room, but the next thing I remember is being in Monty’s arms.

     It was the most numbingly empty comfort I’ve ever felt.

     We just sat there a while, me crying like a scared child into a person I’d met weeks ago and already cared about like family. Monty rocking and running a hand through my hair.

     I finally calmed down enough to...kind of retell what had happened.

     Everyone seemed to understand, they gave me space to process along with telling me that we’d been gone for at least four years, probably more. I don’t think I was even that surprised. I didn’t care.

     I can’t even remember how long I sat there, silently letting tears fall down my face, recalling what had happened.

     “Say hi to Archion for me, okay?”

     He said that to me, you know?

     Gods...I can’t believe this HAPPENED!! Haru was such a damn fucking idiot- HE HAD NO RIGHT TO MAKE THAT DESICION FOR ME!!!

     And hell- WHY does it hurt so fucking much? 

     Why do I care so much?

     Why?

     And after all we’ve been through, after the shit we were forced to deal with together-

     Why didn’t he-

     ...Why didn’t you trust me…?

     What did I do…?

     …

     I was there for a long time before it hit me.

     Haru was one of Remmy’s warlocks.

     As far as I’m aware, I’m the only one besides Xinniani that really knows that.

     I didn’t give a shit if anyone else found out. Not if it could mean a way for Haru to come back to me us now rather than however long it would take us for him to reach the rift.

     I screamed Remmy’s name, I was so angry, and it showed when missiles of magic shot from my hands, narrowly missing everyone else in the room. The bolts were quietly absorbed into the house, little firework sparks of harmless energy sprouting softly where they had disappeared.

     I wasn’t even phased, honestly. I was too furious. I screamed Remmy’s name, demanding he show himself to me until it hurt my throat to do so. I stormed over to Xinniani- gods I hardly knew her- and I ordered her to bring her patron to me, told her that there were some things that needed to be discussed between us.

     After minutes, she told me she couldn’t reach him. But I was fuming. I demanded she try again, that if he was busy, then he better make time for me. It didn’t work. She told me he was preoccupied- “he’s busy at the moment...sorry.” was what she’d said.

     If I had been thinking any clearer than the blood red vision I had pinned on Remmy for having the fucking gall to ignore me so completely like that, I might have directed my fury at Xin. Honestly, even now, I’m still upset she didn’t fucking try harder, at least don’t give me a fucking “sorry, he’s busy” when I am on the brink of tipping over and drowning in my own rage. Goddamn drow-

     I suppose she’s lucky, then, that I was too focused on contacting Remmy to remember that she existed outside of that link...I don’t...know what I would have done. Despite what everyone knows about drow, Xin...does seem different.

     But now the only other thing I could think of to get Haru back was unavailable and wasn’t wanting to become available.

     ...Maybe that’s for the best.

     I don’t know the lengths I was willing to go for him in that state.

     I probably would have done something I regretted.

     ...not that I hadn’t already made myself a whole fucking mountain of regrets that day…

     I think somewhere in me a tiny spec was willing to try and calm down after that. But when I heard Monty and the others talking about just, leaving, I...I was so furious. A kind of rage that I’ve quite honestly never felt before was bubbling and blistering everything inside me.

     I didn’t even know or care what I was doing or what I thought I’d do, but I left the house. I only really registered the foreign countryside and the colors of everything around me after I had come back to the house.

     I walked until the cottage was a small pebble against the setting dusky black and orange sky.

     And then I screamed.

     It set the grass around me on fire.

     How could he have fucking done that to me?

     I actually managed to cast a spell, and a ball of flame and destruction erupted in front of me.

     Why the hell didn’t he fucking trust me?

     I screamed again, thinking of all the shit that had happened, and a lightning bolt crashed into a nearby rock, crumbling it and turning parts of the rubble into specs of glass, the ground ripped apart.

     Why, why, out of ALL the times for my magic to go to hell, why did it have to be then?? And why did it have to do that?

     Another spell shot from me, and I didn’t care what it hit or even if it hit me. It didn’t.

     Why couldn’t I have just been better, why couldn’t I have just held control of my damned emotions? Why can’t I be better…?

     I destroyed everything I possibly could around me until all the magic had been sapped out of my body, and I physically lost my ability to cast.

     It was my fault I left, it was my fault I left him, it’s my fault he’s not here, it’s my fault, my fault, my fault.

     By the time I couldn’t cast, I could feel my eyes burning, red and hot like iron, my skin stung with beats of electricity and it burned when it pulsed over my cuts and scrapes. I collapsed to the ground and wanted to scream again.

     All that was not heard was a sad, choked sob of someone who had been betrayed by himself, and the cries of someone who had lost a friend.

     …

     Is this what it would have felt like to remember you reading stories to me as a child, only to have that softness tainted by the fact that you were gone, Father?

     Is this what it would have felt like to remember you singing me to sleep on nights I couldn’t, only to be struck with the emptiness you left in your wake, Mother?

     Is this what it feels like to remember a kind of love after it’s been torn apart?

     …

     Maybe this is how you felt in your dying breaths, knowing you were abandoning me, that you had to, that you were leaving me with no consent of your own.

     ...Maybe I should think of you a little kinder…

     God...Haru, I…

     …

     I’m sorry

     Listen I need you to know

     I can’t

     …

     I never wanted to leave you.

     Callahan