#this dream genuinly terrified me

[purplepotatobread]

Shadesmar to other people: That's pretty cool!!

Shadesmar to me who has a strange and irrational fear of beads and marbles moving against each other because of a dream where I had to put cornhole sacks in my mouth and count how many beads were in them and if I was wrong the world would end: 😰

[4r0rua]

Small life update

A super nice and cheap gym is opening soon and its super close to me, im so excited but terrified at the same time. On one hand im excited to be able to have access to the necessary tools to get into shape, but on the other ive never had access to a gym and im terrified of people. Idk how like any of the equipment works, im fat and out of shape so its just embarrassing, and i already have social anxiety:/ im just aaaa… i work tomorrow so i need to get to sleep but i rlly wanna start planning my routine.

An uneducated idea of my goals

I mostly wanna work on glutes and legs, even tho i do like looking at thinspo w small thighs, I honestly love thick thighs and wanna keep mine, i just need them to be a wee bit smaller and more defined, also i want a fat ass, my ass looks ok from a side angle but because i dont work out its just not it from the back <\3 i need alot more definition there. I wanna avoid getting alot of arm and shoulder mass, i need those small and dainty pls and thank you

People say cardio is good for weightloss then other people say its not, i guess it just depends in the person so ill start out trying cardio and after ab three or four weeks see if its helping at all, all tho most days i will be walking to and from the gym so i may skip most cardio on those days since ill be getting alot anyways

I wanna be more flexible, im honestly pretty flexible rn which im happy ab but i wanna be more flexible, ive always loved gymnastics but my family couldnt afford it <\3 i did it for a little bit as a child and wld sometimes go to open gym sessions but that ab it,, i learned some tricks on my own but id live to learn more and go to parkour / gymnastics places for fun :).

I know its like just a trend rn but id live to get into pilates or however u spell it, that or just some yoga, itd help with definition and flexibility 😎

Rn im only working 3 days a week and tbh im fine w keeping it like that, every other day can be a gym day, itd keep me busy and out of the house so im less likly to binge. Just aaa im so excited. I will have my dream body super soon and now that i have my oen money i can get my own safe foods. Im genuinly so happy ab it. Not to mention this job has given me sm validation ngl, a few guys have flirted w me and asked for my number/insta/snap. And ik its toxic but my boyfriend getting jealous is also validating 😭😭 i dont go out of my way to make him jealous or anything, but when it happens it makes me feel loved 💀

[hauntedotherworld]

WTF . so i went back to sleep for a few hours(?) cuz i woke up earlu and then i took the d**** tht made me sleepy. anwyay. I HAD THE MOST DISTURBING DREAM/NIGHTMARE. so in the dream i was in this huge mansion-like? place, and there was a c+*pse. in my cupboard, along with tons of notes that dream-me had wrote at 11 which were extremely disturbing (abt c**pses n m*rder n all sorts of weird things and id talked abt how much i love it etc etc. anyway, so now dream-me,who is an adult now, needed to get rid of thr disgusting c*rpse woman with a sl/: th***t id apparently been GIVEN as a kid from some sicko or ordered online or found? IDK or smthn - for some reason it was hardly decomposed at all (dream logic) but it STUNK n it was all gross , anyway, dream me was very distressed of what to do with it as people were everywhere. i wanted to come clean about it but i was so scared of what’d happen, i almost told my mther but of course cpuldnt. then i called the police who kinda were psychologists? and i was talking to them abt how i love crime shows and mysteries n creepy stuff,just trying to come up with a convincing story so when i would lead them to the LITERAL C**PSE IM MY CUPBOARDthey wouldnt arrest me , but again, i was so terrified (because secretly it was all just because i was some sicko who enjoyed having c***ses around and all my disturbing notes were there that were very creepy and stuff). so i lead them through alot of rooms which somehow ended up in this building of this really rich or succesful guy, they kinda disapeared as i said nothing was wrong, but some spy kindof doctor guy? mightve known a bit more abt why i was there nd he led me througg dark rooks with books and rep silk curtains to help etc but people were everywhere in each room (so we had to keep going because there was nowhere secret) everytime i tried to somehow bring it up in a normal waytheir were bugged rooms ao i couldnt. anyway, i ended up saying nothings the matter and the whole time im super stressed abt someone finding it so i dont know what to do with it (also at one point , at the start of the dream i remember calling the c***se girl so ‘pretty’ and i found her even better as a c***se with a s**** thr**t .. DREAM ME WAS LEGIT FUCKED UP) so i was secretly sad abt having to get rid of her. i ended up brainstorming many idea i thought of in detail and ended up carrying the stinky,grey body to this hole id dug prior, that turned into a water-hole, threw her in there (as i walked to it i swear i talked to someone but i forgot some of the dream now) and i was so nervous, i started throwing bricks in the pond to cover her up, but of course i needed to drain the pond and cement it-that part was kinda blurry-anyway it endes up filled with bricks so i needed to take the top layer of bricks that stuck out the ground away and then i covered it with dirt to blend into the existing ground. because i was paranoid asf somebody would dig there and find it… that kinda ended the dream. WTF it was a nightmare

[what-the-stories-have-foretold]

May I request Dazai, Fyodor and Chuuya with a reader that comes from a very wealthy background (like their parents are filthy rich aristocrats) and they come off as apathetic/emotionless and out of touch with reality because they have been given everything on a platinum spoon since birth.

Dazai x gn!reader, Fyodor x gn!reader, Chūya x gn!reader

My Navigation is here.

Warnings: I made it so the reader is still rich, idk if that's how you meant it, miniscule angst in dazai's, a but of manipulation, slight enemies to lovers in Chūya's

Notes: btw ranpo would fully expect you to spoil him all day every day (he'll whine for you to buy him lots of sweets). Though to be fair, he always expects you to spoil him in one way or another

He sees the wallet

I'm joking

🤨

Gets humbled so quickly by you being apathetic to any and all of his flirtatious remarks

Turns into a love sick puppy so quick

Don't get me wrong, he's still calculating

But he's also a bit of a simp?

He respects you and honestly at some point sees you as unreachable

If you do let him in at some point

He wants to be spoiled

Sometimes he'll be a brat about it - his normal drama queen style

But he'll still be surprised (and genuinly touched) if you do get him stuff - let alone spoil him

Especially if it is something meaningful that he didn't even ask for

He needs love

He thinks you a very intriguing

And what's more: not only are you pretty, you have money too

While he is genuinly interested in you beyond your wealth...it would come in handy for him

I think he'd mostly ignore the feelings part and first pursue (manipulate) you to get the money

Now, whether you call him out on it or not at some point, he will stay with you (keep you) regardless of the money

As in: he won't stop pursuing you, if you do call him out

He'll just dial down the manipulation

(Or be more sneaky with it)

When he's finally dating you, he turns into a more...not-interested-in-your-money partner.

Thinks you two are a dream couple - both of you come of as apathetic

Imagine how many poor souls (victims of his) you two could terrify

Definitely fit to be next to him as god

Beautiful and cruel

Most importantly: apathetic and thus unreachable

He doesn't mind you being spoiled: as long as he has the means to, he'll buy you anything regardless of your household

Kinda put off and intrigued at the same time

Don't get him wrong - you are hot af in his eyes

But I think he has a kind of love and hate relationship with that type of person

He loves your confidence

He hates that there is a bit of arrogance in your air?

He understands it as arrogance anyways: the out of touch with reality etc

With his childhood...it just doesn't sit right with him

I think you guys will have a bit of an enemies to lovers arc

Constantly arguing

And after some time aggressively making out

Good for you, tbh

The moment you're a bit more down to earth and only apathetic to other people

You are the classiest couple out there

Both rich, both attractive

Honestly the type that everyone just stares after in awe

[a-mag-a-day]

Holy shit!!! So I've been pretty much listening to all the eps in the same way this relisten (in bed complete darkness all alone) and this is BY FAR the scariest one yet. Absolutely wild imagery from the astronaut carcass to the dreams and the pacing takes you through his descent into loneliness in such a visceral way there were tears in my eyes. I always loved this statement but holy shit. I was genuinly terrified, something about the way "utterly forsaken" is delivered here will always haunt me

Brrrrr

[sapphire-knight]

Welcome to a new episode of Sapphire Rambles, today's topic being:

Just as c!Tommy is a simbol of Care, c!Fundy is a simbol of Love.

Let me explain.

(There are going to be 3 principal points to this rant, and each of them is gonna end with a Tl;dr in purple, so it's easier to follow)

If you're a regular in the Fundy tag (or in the Ranboo tag since this argument gets often brought up in relation to C!Ranboo), you might have already seen some rants talking about how C!Fundy is an incredibly loving person, willing to chase after the people he care about if he sees the tiniest hint that mending their relationship is possible, even if they hurted him in the past.

Yeah you are going to see the same argument again here in the first part, but I promise this gets interesting

This became more clear after the Break, when he decided to try and mend his relationship with Philza and Ranboo even if they weren't at all on good terms at the moment, but he thought it was worth it so he tried and will keep on trying anyways, but we have examples of Fundy's really loving and forgiving nature back to the Revolutionary era

Everyone knows about Eret's betrayal I'm sure, but one thing people seem to skim over is how it effected Fundy, because there's the really high possibility that he was the one who was hurted the most by it.

For everyone who has some spotty memory (me too sometimes fam), Eret was the closest person to Fundy at the time, the two being really close friends, so the betrayal must have had a terrible effect on his emotional health, but you know how it went?

It went that Fundy was the first person to reach out to Eret and start to forgive his actions. Fundy always valued his friendships above the side he was in. So even tho he was a L'manburg abitant, he still thought of Eret as a dear friend to him and did his best to not make them feel alone or isolated

There are really few examples of people Fundy actually has an issue with, but even here Hate is a strong and mostly wrong word to apply, for example:

- Wilbur: as we are shown in the interactions with Ghostbur, Fundy didn't hate Wilbut for how he neglected and patronized him, it made him upset (as we saw when Ghostbur called him "his little champion" and he ran away) but he never hated Wilbur for that. The only thing he didn't forgive him was deciding to die, leaving him. And his issue with Ghostbur is not aknowledging or taking responsability. But he doesn't hate Ghostbur, he can talk to him in a civil manner even if the Ghost pretty much upsets him. And about Wilbur? Fundy loved Wilbur, the thing that hurted him was he taking the decision to definitivly leave him.

- Technoblade: even before Doomsday, the correct word of Fundy's feelings towards Techno has never been Hate, but Fear. A lot of people seemed to miss this point about the Butcher Army as a whole, but they weren't move by hate, even if they tried to make it look like they were. They were terrified. On their way to Techno's house, it was more clear than ever that they were TERRIBLY afraid of Techno. The Butcher army was never a movement of hate, but a bad reaction to a traumatic event that scarred them with fear. Also, after the Break? Fundy understands why Techno wanted L'manburg gone, so he doesn't hate him for that.

- Jschlatt: if you followed Fundy's pov, it won't be a surprise me saying that Fundy doesn't hate Jschlatt, but it may be news to other people, since one of the last interaction between the two was... anything but positive. I still shiver at the caravan scene. But even after all he's done, Fundy can't bring himself to completly hate Jschlatt, even if he did a lot of horrible things and was a horrible person, he still doesn't hate him. Fundy took with him Jschlatt's sword, keeping it as a relic and a memory of the man.

There is no one in the server, probably not even Dream Himself, that Fundy full-on hates. No matter how much they hurted him and everyone else, he just. Doesn't hate them. He's able to see the humanity in everyone, even if he wishes he could just hate people that wronged him. He was always forgiving and loving, these two aspects of him becoming even more prominent after his Break.

Tl;dr: Fundy is a character incredibly full of love and almost always willing to forgive and mend relationships with people he cares about at the moment he sees the possibility.

Now that I got the part most talked about out of the way, I'm taking the second tangent. Let's talk about Self-love.

It's not news the fact that there are really few characters, if not actually none of them, who love themselves. Might it be for trauma or for guilt, none of the characters actually love themself and act out of self-love.

Sometimes there are characters that act for themselves, but that is different from acting out of self-love.

Acting for themselves means doing something to achieve an objective that you want, for example: Eret's betrayal.

Eret betrayed L'Manburg becayse he was promised the role of King of the SMP by Dream, she acted out of her wish for power and control. That's an example of acting for yourself.

Acting out of self-love means doing something with the only cardinal reason being that it's good for you, taking care of yourself doing something that makes you feel better and healthier. That is acting out of self-love.

And, if you look at the server, you can easily see that no one has ever done that, expect for one single time.

The closest wrong thing you might be thinking off right now is when Tommy escaped from exile, but that was not an act driven by self-love. Sure, Tommy saved himself and went towards a healthier mindset, but what drove him towards that direction was not a desire to be better and good for himself, but rage towards Dream and a desire to be back to his family and friends.

You know what the only act that could possibly be out os self-love is?

Fundy going away for a years and a half, taking a break from everyone

Think about it for a second. Why did he do that? Let's start putting away the wrong possibilities:

- Doing it for someone: Fundy at the moment was heavily spiraling towards paranoia, wanting to be a villain to make everyone hate him. If that was his mindset at the time, why would he even want to get a break for anyone?

- Having a second cause: what second cause could there be for a choice like getting away from an unhealthy situation to heal? The only second reason a choice like this could have is healing to help someone else heal when you're feeling better, but refer to the last point

- ... that's virtually it

The only reason that could have caused Fundy to decide to take a break from the whole situation because it was unhealthy and heal was because he wanted to heal. For himself. He genuinly wanted himself to feel better for the only reason being, simply, feeling better.

Fundy is the only character for now to have ever taken an important choice for making himself feel better and letting himself heal.

Tl;dr: Fundy taking the year and a half break was the only decision on the entire SMP taken only out of self-love and genuine desire to feel better for the sole reason of feeling better.

Fundy is a representation of love, in any shape or form. He is unapologetically full of love and care, both for himself and for the people around him.

Anyway, the third part is a theory, if younwill kindly follow me:

The above analysis is the exact reason why the Egg causes Fundy an extreme repulsion.

Since both Fundy and Tubbo said that the Egg seems connected to Dreamons, I'm going to roll with that idea in mind.

As we all know, one of the only known weaknesses of a Dreamon is Love and this Dreamon seems to be acting and controlling people out of wishes and desires.

Fundy should be a perfect candidate for the Egg to manipulate, isn't he? One of Fundy's most known characteristic is his research for love, affection and appreciation from people, and we know the egg has no problem using love to manipulate someone, because he is manipulating Bbh using his (platonic?) love for Skeppy against him.

So why the egg would cause a repulsing reaction to Fundy?

Tommy seems immune because he doesn't wish for anything right now, he has everything that he wants

Tubbo also has a repulsive reaction, but is not a hateful reaction but one driven by fear and sadness, the Egg purposefully trying to scare him away, probably to make him unable to fight against him

But why Fundy's reaction would be full-on hate?

I think the egg was trying to do with Fundy the same thing he's doing with Tubbo, scaring him so badly to drive them to the point where they cannot fight back out of complete fear, but it's not working.

It's not working because the Egg fears Fundy, fears how full of pure, unfiltered and unapologetic love his heart is, fears how he's the living representation of the fact that love, of any kind, is the strongest emotion out there. Fundy already was able to defeat a Dreamon because of his own love, and now that he's more emotionally stable and has decided to follow his heart more, mending relationship with people he loves even if they hurt him?

Fundy is an incredibly dangerous threat to the Egg.

So fear is not enough to keep the fox away, he cannot let him anywhere near his plans.

He fears that if he tried the fear treatment on Fundy, Fundy would be able to break out of the web of terror as soon as someone he loved was caught in the crossfire

So he tried pushing him away in a different way, using hate instead of fear, because since Fundy is such a love-driven person all around, the best way to keep him away is to use hate, just like Tubbo is often driven by hope and optimism, so the best way to keep him far fron where he could be a danger is to use sadness and fear.

Tl;dr: The Egg is making Fundy hate him because that's the only emotion that could actually keep Fundy away from him, because he, being a Dreamon, fears how full of love Fundy is.

[i-can-summon-yams]

Not to sound like a crazed fangirl but that moment in My Grand Plan

When Annabeth has been building up slowly for the whole song, and it starts out as her just complaining with this façade of “I’m just too cool for the world. No one understands how awesome I am YET but they WILL notice me, I HAVE A PLAN, and this is GOING to work”

And you can feel her getting more and more worked up, and it’s still a powerful song and she’s still so so obviously strong

But you can also feel how terrified she is. You can tell how much she has resting on this one quest succeeding and how she can’t accept failing ever and how she’s so starved for anyone who actually SEES her.

Because she’s got that ADHD gifted girl issue where she can’t really accept praise, but she still NEEDS it, she still NEEDS love and affection, and someone to just love her for her. But she doesn’t think it’s possible, so she has to be perfect in every possible way to prove to herself that she’s worthy of love

And it’s not even about love at this point. She can’t even see that far. She just keeps singing about how she wants SOMEONE to NOTICE her. To realize that she’s there and SEE her, and she’s not even quite sure what that means. And she has bug dreams. She wants to be remembered by the entire world, wants to build something permanent and be a part of history. She wants to be a hero in the spotlight. And she does believe in herself, and she’s working as hard as she can to acheive her goals.

But, at the same time, having just one person look at her and see the real her, having just one person notice that she’s there; it almost seems more impossible than her dreams of glory. Because she’s surrounded by people but no one sees her.

And then, as she starts to sing more passionately about her dreams and how amazing she knows that she is, she reaches a breaking point without even realizing it. Because she’s never had a family. Even if people did see her, she didn’t notice it. Because, it’s clear from the books that her stepmother wasn’t evil. She wanted to do what was best for Annabeth, and honesly didn’t understand that there was real magic. And Athena has been helping Annabeth this entire time, but not in any way that gives Annabeth any reassurance.

So, she wants someone to notice her, but what she really wants is to be able to look back at them. To SEE that someone is watching her, to get actual confirmation that ANYONE out there actually cares about her crazy dreams and quirks and whatever makes her herself

So, she breaks for a second, she’s at a weak point in the song, but then she builds it up again, singing about how she HAS a plan, and she WILL be remembered. You get the sense that this is a habit, that she’s broken down by herself so many times now, that even at 12 years old, she knows how to comfort herself without relying on others. And again, she’s so so strong

But then, at the end of the final chorus, when she’s practically shouting “someone will notice....” and she suddenly realizes that Percy is still watching her. That he’s been there the entire time watching her, not out of pity or obligation, but because he’s genuinly interested. And he hadn’t interrupted her the entire time, because he didn’t need to add. He just WANTED to hear what she had to say, because it was important to him, because he cares about her more than he could even comprehend

Percy’s there, looking at her, SEEING her, and she’s looking right back. He doesn’t shy away when she looks at him. He doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s watching her attentively. He just keeps looking, patiently. There’s adoration in his eyes but he also sees her weak points, and he very clearly doesn’t think any less of her for it.

And then after an agonizing second of eye contact, Annabeth finishes out her song much less confidently than she started it, “...me” and she realized that someone did notice her, and he’s right here, and she doesn’t know how to feel about it or how to deal with this and she was just more emotionally vulnerable around someone than she’s been in a long time, and now THIS is happening and oh no she might actually be in love

And she starts putting the walls back up but it’s different now. Because she knows that he cares. Because the fact that he does care literally contradicts the reason that she put the walls up in the first place. Because her world is crumbling in on her in the best way and her dreams are approachable suddenly and she’s sure as heck not going to screw it up now by rushing in without a plan.

Anyway those 4 seconds of eye contact did a better job of representing Percabeth than pretty much anything I’ve ever seen and I respect them so much

[splitriverghostie]

(TW: Sui*ice) (TW: Abuse) (TW: Family problems)

I'm sorry I just really need to ask about this because I can't handle it anymore. I need to move out but I have one more year until I can, I have major separation anxiety from my mom, and I don't have a full time job (Also please don't think I'm asking for money, even though there's nothing wrong with that, I just want to clarify I'm not asking for money) I just needed to ask some if they thought what was happening would count as abuse because I genuinly don't know at this point and I don't want to say it is if it isn't so I don't mean this to diminish anybody else who is suffering with abuse so if this seems like I'm doing that I'm sorry and that is not what I am trying to do and I want to know if I even have a right to be upset or if I should be upset with the things thats are going on because my family always makes me feel like it's my fault that I feel like shit and feel like committing suicide.

Here's a list of the things my family (Mostly my mom) has said to me/called me/done to me:

"Kiss my ass"

"You're acting like a bitch" (Even though she called me a bitch and then when I called her out for it she said she said I was acting like a bitch even though that's not any better)

Asshole

Brat

"Shut up"

"If you hit me I'm going to break your damn hands"

"I'm gonna smack you"

"Again?!" (Annoyed when I started crying then she stormed out)

Mocks me in various voices and in other ways

*Mocking me* "Oh life is so hard"

"If I'm such a bad parent then call CPS"

My entire family constantly calls me nasty.

My mom slaps me (Not a lot just sometimes) when she's had enough with me, has said she should've beat my brothers and me more when they were growing up, and her and my family constantly almost brag and laugh about how scared my brothers were growing up of being hit by my grandmother.

One day my grandma and I got into a fight (That didn't involve the remote this just happened during/after the fight) and I dropped the remote behind the couch so I went to get it and when I loved the couch apparently I moved the couch too fast so she ran up to me and started hitting me when all I was doing was trying to get the remote from behind the couch.

My family constantly reminds us, almost proudly, that one day they stopped and asked a police officer if they can hit us and he said as long as it didn't leave a mark it was perfectly fine so they use that as their excuse to hit us.

My grandma always assumes without any information on the situation that when me and my mom are fighting that my mom is automatically innocent and it's completely my fault. One day she came downstairs as me and my mom we're having a fight and immediately started yelling at me.

They're such hypocrites with everything, anything that they do good or bad they're aloud to do but if I do it I get yelled at or in trouble, like (This is a smaller example but there are a lot of other things they do this with) my grandparents (We live with them) dog is constantly barking and everything I say anything about it at all I get screamed at because the dog is "Just playing" so that's why she's barking (Even though she barks constantly) but then when I go upstairs and play with the dogs I get yelled at and told I should play with the dogs outside or downstairs or something because they're barking and my mom constantly tries to make excuses for them and herself like she said that it was just the timing so that's why I wasn't aloud to play with the dogs because they we're watching TV but almost right after I left and went downstairs after being yelled at and told I can't play with the dogs I heard them upstairs playing with the dogs. They also constantly complain about my mom and myself dog barking even though most of the time it's because their dog barking and making our dogs bark and their dogs are aloud to bark whenever.

I get yelled at and glared at by my mom even if I ask or say something in a calm nice way or say something bad they did to me that they shouldn't have.

Everybody in the house says I should respect the people older than me even if they did something wrong because they're older even though they definitely haven't earned my respect and they treat me like shit.

Everyone in my family yells at me then says they weren't and that I "don't know what yelling is" and say "do you want me to show you" and sometimes screams at the top of their lungs and goes "THIS IS YELLING!!!!!"

My mom has mentally and emotionally stunted me in many ways including things like not letting me learn to drive even though I'm 17 because SHE'S "Not ready" and all of the things have mentally stunted me more because now it makes me nervous to think about things like driving and now I feel like I'm not ready and she constantly says she never said I couldn't. It's probably because she doesn't want me to have a way out of what they do to me.

They always tell me everything's my fault and if I feel like shit it's my fault because my brain is making me think those things.

They always call things like my sensory processing disorder that causes me to need to moisturize my hands if they get wet because when they dry my sensory processing disorder makes my hands feel like they're a million times more dry and I can't handle the feeling conditions in a condescending way.

If I don't have the exact date and time down to the exact second of when they've done something bad to me my mom says it didn't happen and even if I do have the exact date and time they still don't believe me.

They constantly gas light me and make me question if I should be as upset over something that happened or if they actually did something to me.

My mom has called me a pig and when I got upset and started crying she says she meant because of how messy I am and didn't care when I said it still hurt me and said it shouldn't havenand got upset with me for crying.

When I asked my mom if she thought I was smart enough for my dream job she paused then when I mentioned it she said she paused because she didn't think with my mental problems and me overthinking I could.

They constantly talk about my physical appearance, personality, and intelligence and make me insecure about both.

They get mad at me for being upset about things and say if I went to therapy it would be better (As if that would automatically fix everything) even though I can't do in-person therapy right now only online which I don't want to do and I'm terrified of therapy but they don't care.

They get upset with me when I cry because they say I cry at everything so instead of comforting me like family should they freak out and do something like say "Oh my god seriously?! Again?!" And storm out.

One time I walked out of my moms room because my family were making a lot of noise and when I came out my grandma got mad at me and said I rolled my eyes and when I said I didn't (Because I didn't) she just said "Ya you did" so I walked away crying because I'm constantly blamed for things I didn't do and she laughed at me as I walked away crying. (Which is probably also gaslighting because she made me question if I actually did or not but I really don't think I did and even if I did that doesn't give her the right to laugh at my when I walk away crying)

They constantly make me feel like shit about myself because of my mental illnesses that I can't control and didn't ask for.

They always make fun of me, mock me, and laugh at me when I cry and tell me in ridiculous as well as other things.

They always deny anything bad they ever do to me and when they can't deny it anymore because I have proof they immediately switch to oh well I did that because of this or that or something I did which proves they knew what they did because when they got caught they admitted to it and give and excuse as to why they did because they deny it until I have proof then as soon as they're caught they change it to an excuse as to why they did it. And whenever they don't want to deal with me anymore if I'm trying to explain why what they did hurt me they just do something like go "Fine whatever I'm a horrible mother" or something along those lines and storm out.

They always say I have an additude even when I don't and when I try to calmly talk to them they freak out and start yelling and make me cry. They can't have a normal calm talk about things.

I don't feel comfortable talking to them or anybody about emotional things like even good emotional things like sweet moments and other emotional things because they never really did that with me growing up so now I don't feel comfortable being emotional and talking to anybody.

My family, mainly my grandma, has always laughed at me for everything even when I don't say something funny. She just laughs at me and makes me feel horrible about myself. Like one day I left a tip at a restaurant and I let the person know they could keep the money and that I left it with the payment (Which was a big deal for me because my anxiety and social anxiety was super high during that time in my life) and she just laughed at me and made me embarrassed and humiliated.

I don't feel comfortable, safe, or happy (Sometimes) around my family.

They tell me it seems like I don't care about bad things that are going on because I hear about the bad things that are going on (I don't think they realize how much I hear about bad things that are going on and how much I know. I probably know more than them) all day then when I go up and see my family all they talk about is the bad things that are going on and constantly have the news on so I don't normally listen a whole lot and I just want to get away from it for just a second out of my day and they tell me it seems like I don't care and they make me feel like a bad person and that I'm heartless.

They don't look at me when I talk to them, like my mom's always in her phone then when I mention how it doesn't make me feel good they say and assume I probably do it to them even though I don't. They block me out or only listen to help of what I say and I have to repeat myself a million times and they interrupt me constantly.

I feel like my mom treats me the way she does because her mother treats her like that so she takes it out on my and treats me the same way.

I can't talk about emotional things (Even happy emotional things) without crying and I cry a lot and I'm a sensative person and my family just don't want to listen to me or care when I cry.

My mom brings me to the point of a panic attack before she tries to talk calmly to me (Which I try to do before hand) and then at that point I can't talk calmly anymore so she gets mad at me for crying and like I said before doesn't want to listen to me.

My mispphonia is really bad and even when I calmly try to ask them to stop making a noise, like my grandma tapping her finger nails, they still get upset at me and mock me by doing it really fast and close at me then stopping or just saying no and not stopping so there isn't even a point to ask nicely anymore.

They constantly tell me to have my headphones in to block them out (Even though I have to turn them up all the way and I can still hear them) because of my mispronounced but then get mad them I can't hear them (Even though they always block me out and interrupt me)

When I try to explain to my mom that my mental health is the most important she tells me my grades are most important and covers it up by saying she just cares about my future.

But if I'm dead I won't have a future to worry about.

And there's a lot more I just can't remember right now. Please don't feel pressured to or like you have to but if anybody could let me know if this would count as any type of abuse or if I even have the right to be or if I should be upset about any if this❤

[downthegutterray]

Tagged by @ego--x Thank you! <3

Nickname:

It's mostly just Theo now, but Yoite is an old online alias that I got because I hated my deadname, and my winter clothes made me look like a certain character named Yoite.

Zodiac: Libra

Height: 160cm | about 5'2? (smol boy in a country of giants)

Last movie I saw: The mummy ( life is kicking in my teeth so i needed a comfort movie lol its one of my favourites)

Last thing I googled: something about final fantasy xiv

Favourite musician: oh that's a hard one... Uuhh, lets say Girugamesh.

Song stuck in my head: The hearse song by harley poe

Other blogs: @homeofvalkyrje (mainly nature, witchy things, and norse things)

Blogs following: 141 (genuinly thought it was more, but a lot of them were inactive so.. Recommend me some good blogs?)

Amount of sleep: either like 4-6 hours or 9-24 hours (chronic fatigue whoohoo!)

Lucky number: dont know if they are lucky, but i like 3 and 13

What am I wearing: Sweatpants and tshirt, all black of course, makes it easier to hide. Unless my white cat cuddles me of course..

Dream job: Im studying to become a historian or something like that, but all i wanna do is foster cats and kittens. Because as a chronically ill person, its unlikely that I will actually manage having a job. So far i have only gotten sicker when forced to work by the norwegian government, they also make sure i can only afford food or rent.

Dream trip: hmm, as I cant afford to actually go anywhere, im happy as long as I get to take a walk in the forests or mountains. If I had the money though I would try and experience as many different cultures as I could.

Languages: norwegian and english. Tiny bit of german, and I can to a degree understand swedish and danish, depends on the dialect.

Favourite food: As a scandinavian, I do love me some cheese in my food. However my favourite is probably pancakes filled with this "meatsauce", made by tomato puree, cream, and minced meat. With basil, oregano, pepper, chili, and some other spices I can't remember right now. It's my gf's recipe lol

Play an instrument: I used to play a little bit of piano, but I could not afford to replace my ancient keyboard, so I stopped. I'm currently trying to learn the electric bass. (wish me luck T_T) Other than that I do sing a lot, but not around people of course, that's terrifying, they may say something about it!

Favourite song: constantly changes, right now though it is, Wanderers lullaby - Adriana Figueroa. It's been on repeat for three days, I think it just means I want a hug lol

Random fact: I'm hypermobile, so my arms look broken when I stretch them because they stretch too far.

Describe yourself as aestethic things: dark forests, shiny stones, black cats, safety pins, old paintings and objects.

I tag whoever wants to do this. (aka im too scared to actually tag people lol i dont want to be a bother)

[depressedkakashihatake]

Can I ask a question? Why do Kakashi get pregnant every time? I mean. I'm a trans man myself, and I didn't do the operation needed to have a penis, but I still decided to close my tubes since getting pregnant is... Well, is what women do, and I don't feel a woman, and it would feel somehow wrong for me to get pregnant. So, why do Kakashi always get pregnant? And Iruka, too, I've seen, in the last couple of AUs

Ok 1) Iruka has gotten pregnant in my head cannons once and it wasn’t my idea. it was an anons and i went with it because i genuinely think Iruka would be far more open to the idea than Kakashi (There are trans men in the world who have given birth to kids. so this is a thing that does happen in reality)

2) It is a cooping mechanism for me. I may not be a trans man, but i am Non binary with a hard lean towards male. I have always hated the idea of being pregnent, i hate my chest and all of that. but i am also terrified of operations and thus am not about to go in to get my tubes tied. I would love to have a body where i have no chest and a penis, but i’ve accepted the fact that a binder and strap on are the closest i will ever get, and i’m ok with that. 

Now where Kakashi comes in is out of all of the Naruto characters i quiet clearly identify with him over anyone else. He is my favorite character, his personality matches mine the most. He is the character i see myself in. 

So go back a few months when i found out i was pregnant, and i did not handle it well. Was i excited to be a parent? ya. But i had issues. i hated what it did to my body, i hated the fact that i KNEW i was going to be dealing with this bullshit of being called ‘mommy’ and having everything i do from now on for the rest of my life gendered even more than it already was. Basically the only person in my family who knows my gender is my husband, and if i have told others (his mother, my parents) they have just straight up ignored me and continued to call me by female pronouns and compare everything i do to women. 

So i needed a cooping mechanism because i couldn’t tell these people to stop saying things like ‘you’re going to be a mommy’ and ‘oh you’ll be such a great mom’. i’d be turned into the villain

i couldn’t vent to my husband (although he is always super supportive) because covid-19 was starting up and as a doctor he was being worked to the ground and he was stressed. it wasn’t fair to him to unload my personal issues on him when he was already burnt out.

so i needed another option

i turned to Kakashi. my favorite character. my character who i identify with.

and i went with it.

I had him find out about his pregnancy at the same point i did (30+ weeks) because i genuinely believe neither him nor i would survive 8+ months of knowing we’re pregnant. i know i would have been an absolute mess the entire time if i had found out sooner. 

Now when i make my Pregnant Kakashi head cannons i keep mulitpul things in mind for him and me. 

Discomfort- Neither Myself nor Kakashi would be comfortable wearing anything that shows our bump. other than my work outfit i lived in my husbands hoodies because i absolutely hated the way i looked. I absolutely think Kakashi just lives in Gai’s hoodies since Gai is about 2X his side and the hoodie would cover almost everything. 

also we both severely miss our binder because you just can’t wear that shit while pregnant. you can’t. i do believe Kakashi would start wearing his again once the baby was born and his c-section scar was healed, where as i basiclly have to wait 6 months till baby is eating solid foods because wearing a binder is just...it makes pumping and breast feeding impossible and those are unfortunately a part of my life right now. i won’t make them a part of Kakashi’s.

Feelings- Kakashi feels the same way about pregnancy as i do. He doesn’t want it. He’s not adverse to being a dad, but he has never thought of pregnancy and gone ‘ya that’s for me’. I basiclly accepted it would happen to me once because my husband wanted at least one biological kid and trusting another human to carry my future kid just is not in my nature. But for Kakashi it’s more of a surprise. he’s on birth control, he uses condoms with Gai, it just happens (as it did with me. i was on birth control when i got pregnant). His feelings (and mine) are why i put him finding out so late. because it is the only way he could coop. it would be a short amount of time he knew and then it would be over. far easier to handle than dealing with the fact you’re going to be pregnant for MONTHS

Now why do i keep making these headcannons? I’m still cooping. My kid is almost 2 months old and i still have not fully dealt with a lot of things. i feel like my days are a dream and nothing i’m doing is actually happening. having Kakashi go through this with me helps me deal with it all. reminds me it’s real and that i’m not losing my mind. 

But at the end of the day, it’s my headcannon. you don’t have to like it, no one else has to like it. i almost always post them under the tag ‘pregnant Kakashi’ so people who don’t want to see it don’t have to, but i really need these headcannons right now. Putting a character i don’t identify with as heavily through this with me will not have the same affect. it won’t help me coop as much. 

But also, not every trans man is going to feel the same way as you. Pregnancy is a ‘woman’s experience’ if you make it so’. i didn’t dislike the idea of pregnancy because it’s a ‘woman’s thing to go through’. i disliked it because i’m extreamly anxious and have depression and i genuinly don’t think i would handle 8 months of it well (and honestly, knowing that i was pregnant for a lot of what i went through, i can state for a fact that i did not deal with it well. i just didn’t know i was dealing with it) 

Kakashi, Iruka or any other trans male can look at pregnancy as a thing that happens. it’s not a gendered experience because trans men, women and non binary people can all experience it. you personally view it as a gendered thing and that’s perfectly fine for you to do, but it’s not something every single person in the world is going to do. because at the end of the day, gender is an idea. It’s just this label people put on us and expect us to fit into. If we don’t fit in, we have to adjust our ideas of gender.

so again, you don’t have to like those headcannons. i take them appropriately so that you don’t have to see them (and if i miss a tag, let me know. i’ll apologize and fix it because honestly i’m running on 5 hours of sleep a day right now and i’m likely to miss shit) 

 but just because you view pregnancy as a ‘woman’s thing’ doesn’t mean everyone else does. there are trans men all over the world who have given birth because they genuinly wanted to, and there are trans men who (like you) never want to because they don’t feel it’s right for them for whatever reason. 

[just-an-extra-ordinary-blog]

oi answer the ones you really wanna answer/talk about

eeee oh god the freedom. the decisions . ive never made any decision in my entire life. **also i tried to choose the most interesting ones or things that i dont talk about much. sorry if its a lot!!

6. What is the ultimate gesture of total trust?

i think its like knowing that u can be comfortably open and talk about yourself with someone and that they can do the same with you

11. Choose one: you will never misunderstand the meaning of what someone else is saying OR nobody will ever misunderstand what you say.

Nobody will ever misunderstand what I say because i stutter sometimes and i forget words a lot and say things wrong or slowly sometimes. its sooo embarrassing

15. What is your favorite superpower? Why?

teleportation cus you could just like. chill with someone across the country for an hour two. and then go back home.

17. If you found out that your life was a book, and you met your author, what would you say to them?

"W H Y?!?!?! STOP IT WITH THIS GODDAMN CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT"

30. What one thing in the world would be hardest for you to give up?

the people that i care about and love. thats what i fear most about death.

33. Is it easier to talk or to listen?

listen cus once again.. im fUckIng inArtiCuLaTe

34. When are you vulnerable?

When I'm really anxious and thinking about things that happen that stress me out or make me guilty and i wanna vent but i dont cus i dont wanna be a burden.

44. What was your most memorable dream?

okay this is reoccuring and i hate it. little gnomes throwing pebbles into a pipe for 99% of the dream and its all fine and then a scary looking one comes up and blocks the pipe with a big rock and i wake up in an asthma attack/not breathing.

48. Is it possible for you to love someone you don’t trust?

ajsgha yeah and it happens fucking a lot even though i know its bad and that it will bite me in the ass

52. What story (book, movie, game, etc.) have you learned the most from?

hArRy pOtTeR

53. What is something you wish other people could know about you without you having to tell them?

genuinly like everything im afraid to talk about. like if im upset or things about my identity like my sexuality. like not just anyone obviously but the people that i want to know.

54. Describe a moment you experienced something unexpectedly beautiful.

when i went to san diego for the first time in a year. we were driving to someones house after leaving the airport and everything made me cry. like sidewalks i remembered walking on and fucking 7/11s and shit ajsgaj

57. What is something you used to be afraid of, but aren’t anymore?

okay i was looking through the questions and this one genuinly stumped me. i dont think ive gotten over any of my fears. which is genuinly terrifying to say the least

58. What is the most important emotion?

happiness because if u couldbt be happy for even a few minutes in a day nothing would be good

68. Under what circumstances is keeping information secret acceptable or morally required?

literally like almost every circumstance. unless its something that hurts someone like cheating or sjshjs mUrdEr, if u got a secret and u dont want people to know or someone told you something that they only want you to know then dont tell anyone!! its fine to have secrets!!!

70. What is something you find difficult to talk about, even though you know you should?

a l l of my emotions or confusions in life. ive never known how to ask for help or if its okay to vent. i feel bad for expressing happiness sometimes.

80. When was the last time you were really scared?

literally yesterday. was talking to someone about something and i thought they would hate me forever but its all good i think akdhkahsj

100. What are you most excited about right now?

summerr!!! even though we cant do much this summer i cant wait to have no work.

[nathaliedupoix]

Afraid

I am afraid. Afraid of hoping, of dreaming, of showing my true emotiones. I am afraid of losing this feeling, that just have awakened inside me. I am afraid that it will disappear as fast as it came. But for the first time since a long time, my soul is genuinly smiling.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see a fool. A fool that have not learned anything. A fool that still believes there exist a taste of that special. My mind says: ‘’Wake up! Don’t be a fool. Don’t fall into this. You will suffer. Nothing of this is real. It is all just an illusion of your deepest dreams and aspirations’’.

I am consumed by the past, terrified of the future and stuck somewhere between.

Maybe I am and will always be a hopeless romantic...

 16.08.2020