#this drama has brought me laughter but also leave some bitterness in my mouth

[duahauuoplanh]

the problem of a child that has never been loved properly, is that we don't know what to do when our parents show us their little love and our heart just keeps breaking.

[realllllfangirllllll]

{SF9 Reaction} They get jealous of you fangirling at another group.

Kingdom Edition

{Requested by anon}

SF9 Masterlist

Main Masterlist

(Disclaimer: I kinda wrote mini scenarios for each of them b/c I love this concept so much ashfdgkkjs)

Youngbin

The two of you were pretty transparent with each other in the relationship so he knew you stanned many other groups besides his own. Nothing really bothered him, but that was until he joined Kingdom. While the two of you sat on your couch, cuddled against each other to rewatch the pilot episode, you kept commenting on Bang Chan’s performance and how he had such great leadership skills. Youngbin felt himself get jealous especially when the topic of leadership was brought up. He tried his best to conceal his expression so he raised his other hand that wasn’t wrapped around your waist to the side of his face. You noticed his behavior and immediately thought of a mischievous plan. After all, it wasn’t everyday that you saw your calm and composed boyfriend on the verge of breaking down from jealousy. You purposely escalated your fangirling on Bang Chan until Bin couldn’t contain his composure anymore and he unwinded his arm around your waist, got up, and stood in front of your view. You suppressed your laughter as you moved your head around in an attempt to watch the tv but he wasn’t impressed. His entire body moved along with wherever you moved and you ended up bursting out into giggles. You grabbed his waist to still him but he didn’t budge. “Kitten, I’m not going to stop until you praise me like you did with Bang Chan,” Youngbin said in a bitter tone. You stopped giggling and stood on the couch to match his height. Out of the blue, you showered his sour face with kisses and his expression immediately shifted into his signature eye smile. You pulled back and said sweetly, “How about I give you kisses instead?”

Inseong

Inseong just got back from his shooting for Kingdom and you welcomed him with your arms and wide opened for a hug. He always loved when you gave him a long, warm hug after a day of tiring work but today, he was a lot clingier than usual. He never pulled apart from the hug and walked forward, which caused you to topple over the soft couch. You giggled as he stuffed his face into the side of your neck and took a whiff of your scent. You wiggled around as he tickled you with his breath. In between your giggles you asked why he was being like a mopey puppy and he let out a long groan. He pulled apart and stared up into your eyes with his dopey ones and whined, “When we got ready to leave the shooting site for Kingdom, Chanwoo came up to me and told me how nice you were. How do you guys even know each other??” You chuckled at his pouty and jealous expression and placed your hand on top of his head. You played with his fluffy hair and told him in an amused tone, “Chani had his number and I love Chanwoo’s voice.” You saw Inseong pout again and you continued teasing him, “I couldn’t just give up on such a great opportunity. I am a dedicated ikonic.” The last sentence triggered him and he immediately hoisted his body up and peered down at you with jealousy, “I thought you love my voice.” You giggled and decided to stop teasing him before he exploded with even more jealousy and wrapped your arms around his neck. You pulled him down and connected your lips to his, “I love your voice the most.” He immediately replaced the pout on his lips with a wide smile.

Jaeyoon

You waited for Jaeyoon to finish taking a shower after he came back from his shoot for Kingdom so you sprawled yourself across your bed and decided to stream the youtube clips of previous Kingdom performances on your iPad. The thumbnail of The Boyz’s performance caught your eye and you clicked into the clip. You were so excited to see another version of The Stealer and also couldn’t wait to see your bias, Sangyeon, dancing to it. You were so absorbed into their beautiful choreo, you didn’t realize that Jaeyoon came out of the bathroom and was standing by the bed frame for a good ten minutes. He cleared his throat but you didn’t hear him through the loud audio. Jealously crept into his veins and he tried his best to cover it with sarcasm, “Should I dance to The Stealer so my baby will pay attention to me?” You finally heard him and chuckled at his behavior. You taunted him in response, “But it won’t be the same because you’re not Sangyeon.” Jaeyoon gasped, feigning hurt and took the device from your hands. He carelessly placed it on the bedside table before he flung himself onto the soft mattress. He hovered over you and said with amusement, “Well then I guess I have to show you why Jaeyoon is even better.”

Dawon

Dawon stared at you for the longest time in disbelief and chuckled out of nervousness as you sat beside him on the couch of his company’s dance studio. You made dramatic fangirl comments at Ateez’s Kingdom performance especially when Seonghwa appeared on the screen. You punched Dawon’s arm and told him to watch with you, excessively showering Seonghwa with praises. You weren’t oblivious to your boyfriend’s jealousy but you loved it whenever the opportunity came up. He has a tendency of sarcastically laughing with a hint of shy nervousness when he gets jealous and that was exactly how he was acting at the moment. Originally, you only wanted to see Ateez’s performance because you were a big fan of them and because you were waiting for Dawon to finish practicing. But when he came down and sat beside you, you unintentionally praised Seonghwa’s beauty on stage which sparked Dawon’s jealously and you couldn’t help but to continuously tease him and rile him up. As a result, you amped up your inner fangirl until Dawon couldn’t handle it anymore. “Okay that’s it,” He chuckled bitterly and grabbed your phone. You turned to him and he stared into your eyes with a pout and large puppy eyes. “Focus on me baby.” You swallowed down a laughter and extended your arm out for the phone and wailed, “But my Seonghwa!” At this rate, Dawon knew you were messing with him so he grabbed your arms and placed it around his neck before he proceeded to lift you up off the couch and onto him. He sat back down on the couch and had you on top of his laps. Quickly and cunningly, he shoved your phone underneath his butt and sarcastically remarked with amusement, “Come get your phone if you want to see your Seonghwa that badly.”

Rowoon

Rowoon had just come back from his shooting for Kingdom and you followed him around the house like a lost puppy. “Did you see Younghoon? Did you get to talk to him? How was it seeing him perform live??” You fired questions at him like an automatic rifle, clearly showing your enthusiasm as a Deobi, especially a Younghoon stan. Rowoon knew you really liked The Boyz and he was usually fine with your enthusiastic support for the group. He would even join you and fanboy himself when you watch their stages on Youtube. But Rowoon was exhausted after the shooting and was anticipating to have his s/o welcome him home with some love, something he missed so much after being apart from you for drama and Kingdom shootings. Instead, you were asking him about another man and that immediately sparked his jealousy. At first, he just let you ramble on as he took off his shoes and went to the bathroom to freshen up. He loves you and he usually will never pick a fight or act petty no matter how jealous he was. You knew that. You also knew that he was jealous the moment you opened your mouth. At first, you only wanted to get some intel from your boyfriend who had seen one of your biases in person but after seeing the jealousy that flashed in his eyes, you made it your mission to make Rowoon crack for once. You were enjoying yourself so much that you continued talking about Younghoon even as he was in the shower. You leaned against the marble sink and tried saying random nonsense to rile him up but he only chuckled at your fangirl behavior and continued to shower. Suddenly, a mischievous thought crossed your mind and you waited until Rowoon turned off the shower faucet and stepped out to initiate the plan. You feigned a curious, innocent stare at him and placed your hand beneath your chin as if you were deeply contemplating. “Babe, I’m curious about something...” He absentmindedly replied as he plugged in the hair dryer to the wall outlet, “Oh yeah? What is it?” You smirked and eyed him up and down, “Do you think Younghoon is as tall and built as you?” Rowoon froze midway through drying his hair. He turned towards you and turned the device off with a jealous look on his face, one that you have never seen before. You bit down on your lips to hold back a laughter. Gotcha. Before he could muster up a response you continued, “What about his laugh? Does he laugh like you do?” You stared at your boyfriend innocently and his face was flushed red with jealousy. He placed the hair dryer aside and suddenly hoisted you up on top of his broad shoulders, “Definitely not.” He said firmly and then chuckled before softly throwing you onto the cloud-like mattress. His face hovered closely above yours, “He will never be able to easily carry you like I just did nor could he ever make you smile the way I do.” You burst out into giggles as he proceeded to tickle you until you shower him with compliments the way you did with Younghoon.

Zuho

Zuho casually talked to you about his experience in Kingdom as he drove through the dimly lit streets. The two of you decided to go for a quick date late at night, mostly to avoid getting caught by the media, and he was beyond excited to tell you about meeting his seniors. You listened intently and responded with excitement as well since the both of you were huge fans of Btob. Zuho stopped talking once the car had arrived to the isolated park. The two of you laid on top of the car’s hood and gazed at the stars in the night sky and continued the conversation. Somewhere in the middle of your chat, you turned to him and pouted. You told him you wish you were there as well because you wanted to see and hear Minhyuk live. You emphasized with a big pout on your lips, “I want to see Minhyuk rap with his husky voice but also hear him sing with his honey smooth vocals.” Zuho froze for a second, your words not fully processing through his mind. He turned towards you and mumbled with slight jealousy, “I didn’t know you like Minhyuk that much.” He chuckled in disbelief and questioned you, “Husky voice? Honey smooth vocals?” He then became really flustered, caught by surprise at you fangirling more than usual. He kept blinking in disbelief, unable to accept the fact that you liked Minhyuk so much. You found amusement in his cute behavior and teased him even more. You placed your hands by your heart and said dramatically, “I could die happily once I hear Minhyuk live.” Zuho started to get really flustered, cheeks red with jealousy. You chuckled at your adorable boyfriend and squished his cheeks, “I’m messing with you babe! I’m a diehard Melody but my boyfriend is always the #1 person I’d die for.” You gave him a ridiculously sweet look and he caved in. He pulled you on top of him for a hug before the both of you accidentally slid off the side of the hood and onto the ground, with Zuho underneath you as a cushion. He grunted at the impact as you giggled uncontrollably.

Taeyang

When you were mindlessly humming to No Air in the kitchen after watching The Boyz’s latest Kingdom performance, Taeyang’s ears perked up and jealousy immediately ignited in his body. Yes, he gets jealous that easily. You would usually tell him how you enjoy watching The Boyz perform because it’s so satisfying and he would agree because it’s true. But you would also start to notice his pettiness everytime you mention them. He’d nod at your comments and agree but in a way that seems almost sarcastic. “Yeah they are great dancers,” he’d tell you. But then he’d look up at you and say, almost for confirmation, “But I’m a great dancer too.” You’d chuckled to yourself and agree or else you know he’ll be sulking for the rest of the day. But this time, you wanted to see how Taeyang gets when he’s really jealous. At first, No Air really was stuck on your head so you were humming to it. However, something mischievous struck you as you were making chocolate covered strawberries in the kitchen. You wanted to see how far you could take the joke so you purposely pressed his buttons. From the moment he heard you humming, he immediately dashed by your side and wrapped his arms around you as you boiled the chocolate. He laid his head on your shoulder and tried his best to subtly ask you, “Were you watching The Boyz’s performance again?” You replied with a yes and emphasized, “Juyeon is such a great dancer and his expressions are so intriguing,” and that’s when Taeyang lost it. He clung onto you as you were trying to cool down the chocolate and even while you were moving to grab the strawberries from the fridge, he’d stick to you like glue and kept asking you why you like Juyeon so much. “Babyyy,” he whined, “Did you forget about me??” He kept kissing your cheeks with his arms wrapped around you as you struggled to wash the strawberries. At the end, you gave up and twisted around to face him. His arms never let go of your waist as he continued saying jealous nonsense. You took your hand and squished his cheeks, “You are the best, most handsome and talented dancer, artist, and boyfriend okay?” He smirked, satisfied, and you giggled at his ridiculous face squished between your hand. He was just about to open his mouth to spew more nonsense and you shoved a strawberry in his mouth, “okay now shush babe. I love you but I want to eat my chocolate covered strawberries, preferably with the chocolate, so stop clinging onto me.”

Hwiyoung

Hwiyoung’s a fun-loving boyfriend and he wouldn’t just randomly get jealous even if you were meeting up with an ex. He respects your boundaries and trusts your decisions. You love him for that but it also wanted made you curious as to how your boyfriend would react when jealous. SO you decided to surprise him after his Kingdom shoot and went to pick him up with their manager. You hid in the van and surprised the boys when they came toward the vehicle. The eight boys already knew your devious plan and paid no mind to you acting unusually dramatic as you kept asking him if he talked to Hyunjin during the shoot and if you could meet him as well. He looked at you weirdly with a bit of skepticism, “You weren’t that interested in meeting him when I was on Idol Radio with him..why are you so eager now?” You flinched at his retaliation and quickly hopped into the van. You heard Rowoon and Juho snickered in the back and you glared at them for the mockery. As the engine started and the vehicle started down the road back to the dorms, you initiated your second attempt to get under your boyfriend’s skin. You pulled out your phone and watched the Stray Kids’s introduction stage on youtube without earphones. Subtly, you turned to Hwiyoung and asked with the most innocent and adoring eyes, “Babe I didn’t know Hyunjin looked so great with long hair.” At that comment, Hwiyoung’s expression slightly shifted. Almost immediately he responded with a more serious tone, “Even better than I did?” You held back your laughter and felt success creeping up. In the back of the van, you saw Rowoon and Zuho giving you a slightly surprised expression. You winked at them and got excited as your boyfriend gradually became jealous. When you all got back to the dorm, Hwi stuck to your side. You tried so hard not to laugh as he kept asking you with slight skepticism in his tone, “When did you like Hyunjin so much?” “Should I grow out my long hair again?” He acted like a kid got abandoned by his mother and needed to grab your attention. To your surprise, he acted in such a different way than you would’ve thought. But you found it so adorable so you teased him even more by turning the tv on to watch a Hyunjin fancam. Hwi caught you by surprise again as he plopped down on the couch beside you and wiggled adorably to get your attention. You raised the remote to your lips and masked your giggles, keeping note to tease him more often.

Chani

Another one that doesn’t get jealous often. Or ever actually. That’s just not the way he shows affection. But that was until things got a little too personal. Beside the sepgu boys, Chani has never really seen you interact with any of his other friends so he never understood actual jealousy. However, after the one time Chanwoo called Chani to thank him for his advice on Kingdom, he started to notice how much you liked Chanwoo and Ikon. Because of your boyfriend’s appearance on Kingdom, you started to take an interest on Ikon and became a fan of their music. It was true that you liked Chanwoo’s voice but it was never really to the extent of fangirling over him. That thought never crossed your mind until Chani kept asking you how much you liked Ikon, or most importantly, Chanwoo. From his point of view, he’d always notice how your face brightens while watching Ikon performances on the tv. He’d stare at you with a hesitant smile and when you asked him what he was staring at you for, he’d simply reply with a shrug, “You always seem so happy to see Chanwoo’s part in the song.” At first, you hadn’t put much thought into his comment until he continuously brought it up every time an Ikon music video appeared on tv. And so one day, you decided to tease him and hopefully see your boyfriend become an adorable, jealous mess. The two of you were browsing through Netflix shows in your bedroom since it was his free day. You had the remote as you struggled to find something remotely interesting to watch. The two of you slept until late afternoon, yet Chani was still as drowsy as before. You chuckled to yourself as he laid comfortably on your shoulder. Suddenly, he shifted on the bed and got up to go to the bathroom. You found this to be the perfect chance to rile him up so you quickly exited the Netflix page and went to youtube to watch a Chanwoo fancam. Chani came back and slightly flinched in surprise at the tv screen. Your eyes were glued to the tv screen and you ignored him as he crawled back onto the bed and asked, “I thought we were watching a show?” You smiled to yourself and told him you felt like watching Chanwoo dance instead. You were mentally preparing yourself to see Chani act adorably jealous but he took you by surprise and grabbed the remote from you. He turned the tv off and stared at you with dark lust in his eyes. You fell back against the headboard as he hovered over you. He whispered in a deep voice with apparent annoyance and jealousy in his tone, “Chanwoo this. Chanwoo that. It seems like you forgotten who your boyfriend is.” You chuckled nervously and told him you were just joking, but it was too late. Chani pulled the covers over the both of you and lets just say...you eventually got off bed to have your first meal of the day in the late evening.

———

• Yes. These were long. Yes. Some of these gradually got spicy. 🥵 But I couldn’t help it I love the boys agsgsksks •

• Support the boys (and other groups) on kingdom! •

[logically-asexual]

okay i'm already procrastinating and i don't plan on sleeping any time soon so here we go.

☆ ✩ my personal ranking for every season 1 Sanders Sides episode. ✩ ☆

i think it's going to be pretty similar to @dukeofonions' but let's see if i find something new to contribute haha. i see you didn't include that one about Patton in the Big Game or whatever, so i'm not including it either xd. also i think i'm going to count Accepting Anxiety as one episode only.

edit: i finished and now i dare you to drink a shot of water every time i say the word spanish or a version of the word comfort and become very well hydrated.

#16 I'm in a Disney Show

(i agree with dukeofonions here) i always forget this episode exists. it was ok in terms of being happy for real life Thomas but as a Sanders Sides episode it didn't do anything. the sides were just giving their opinions but it wasn't very funny or interesting. also i'm bitter because it made me look up the episode he was in and i didn't like it at all. i don't know if i'm too old for those Disney shows now but Thomas was literally the only good part of it, everything else was really dull and boring imo. a waste of time.

however, Logan supporting clickbait is one of the funniest things ever, and i'll never forget it.

#15 Becoming A Cartoon

i didn't hate this episode but it was just .. meh.. you know? several factors contribute to this. one, i couldn't feel much nostalgia for Butch Hartman's shows because i watched them in Spanish, and everything feels really weird when they speak English, i don't like how my old cartoons sound in English. two, it was disappointing to me because we were all desperately waiting for Plot™ and instead they give us this short episode about nothing (oh how the tables have turned now it's the other way around haha). and three, i didn't like the style of the animation :/ their faces and expressions freaked me out, Roman's douchey face still haunts me.

#14 Way Too Adult

here i'm biased because i don't like Patton much, and i didn't back when i watched the series the first time either, so this video was a little disappointingwithout the rest. also it wasn't relatable to me because i am still too young and dependent on my parents haha. but Patton is funny and it's funny to laugh at Thomas' struggling.

#13 The Dark Side of Disney

i've never been a fan of Disney movies. i actually never watched Mulan or the Lion King or Aladdin as a kid, so meh. i liked the ending, though, it was cool to see Virgil have fun and be right for once. it does make me a bit uncomfortable because the way Thomas tries too hard with Virgil's mouth movements and his low voice reminds me of a guy that had made me v uncomfortable not long before watching that video. so an icky feel overall.

#12 A New Year of Lying to Myself

this video was actually kind of fogettable to me. i had a hard time connecting the voices in the song to the characters and idk. i don't love it nor hate it, just .. neutral.

#11 My True Identity

pretty much the same opinion as dukeofonions, again. it's a good introduction and it's good that it was the beginning of it all but on its own it's not very special. i think it's awesome on Thomas to have come up with such a clever idea, like choosing the dad, the teacher and the prince and putting them together and match them with thoughts?? that fit so perfectly?? it really is just very impressive when you think about it, that it was just a random idea he had for a short 5 minute video.

#10 Taking on Anxiety

i liked this video a lot because when i watched it i had recently been a lot on tumblr, and found out through relatable posts that i had anxiety. so watching this video was really fun and it made me happy to feel so seen, specially the intro when Thomas just talks about what it's like to have Anxiety and Virgil is so smug about it.

- ★ -

okay now that those are out of the way things are going to get hard... all the following i love with all my heart so i'm going to rank them based on the smallest things.

#9 Growing Up

once more, Patton isn't my favorite. so that's why i'm putting this here, plus the echo at the end askjhsahg, but i love love this video. i remember we were waiting and oh so ready for the angst of nobody taking Patton seriously. and we received!! i love that though Roman and Logan are antagonists here, they're both so happy about Thomas wanting to have a healthy life. and i just adore the way Logan admits his mistake at the end and asks Patton directly. my heart... also aw.. the nostalgia. i remember none of us knew how to spell Patton's name and were writing it in very funny ways until Thomas and Joan told us lol.

#8 The Mind vs The Heart

when i watched this video the first times i didn't like it much, because i only had eyes for Virgil, but later i came back to it and loved it. so taking that into account i'm putting it here. logicality was the first ship i ever shipped in the show because i saw a gifset on tumblr of Patton screaming "what do you know about love?!" and Logan "apparently more than YOU" and the caption said "MARRIED", and i thought hey yeah... anyway. i love them. they're both my dads since that day.

this video is so so so relatable and i love it. Logan and Patton are so much fun arguing and i love how they compromise at the end and work together. im reconsidering.. i might move it higher? no, fine i'll leave it here.

#7 Making Some Changes

this video was absolutely hilarious. i personally couldn't see it as the Sides still once they were acted by Thomas' friends, i enjoyed it more as that bunch being silly and trying to be the sides but failing in so many ways, while sometimes nailing stuff suddenly. i really don't take this one too seriously as an episode. except Joan!Logan and Valerie!Logan, my beloved... i love how Joan acted as Logan and their voice and that they kept their ace ring on.. there's a reason i had them as my icon for so long. and Valerie looks a bit (a lot) like me with the glasses and dressed in dark colors, plus she spoke Spanish and there's .. no words to describe the joy i felt when seeing/hearing that. wait i'm getting emotional...

#6 My Personality Q&A

when i watched this Virgil was my favorite side and i didn't care much about the rest lol. when i heard his answers i related to him SO much it was scary, and also his voice is so soft and it was all very comforting. it was also when i first starting looking at Logan with more attention, because when he brought up Big Hero 6 and Fall Out Boy and said he didn't sing and would recite it like a poem? it only took a couple seconds but my brain said "me" and never went back.

now this video is a little underwhelming to watch for me, most of the appeal for me was in finding out the answers, and also watching it when we didn't know a lot about the sides. now we know more and want to know more so it's not as fun to me as it was first.

i wish so bad they'd do another one, although i know it would be more difficult with a much bigger audience, i think they can manage and i just need it. the chaos.. the energy.. they all being so savage with each other, learning little random facts about them you didn't expect.. i need it.

- ★ -

oh boy top 5 here we go. the next three are practically a tie. i can't choose.

#5 Alone on Valentines Day

i love Valerie, and the idea of this video was perfect and so perfectly excecuted. every side just giving their crazy opinions on how to woo a random stranger, i laughed SO much. first with Logan speaking simlish out of nowhere? at that point i didn't know practically anything about the sims except that it was some video game and the whiplash of Logan going AYO and the rest killed me. then when Roman whipped out that dialogue in Spanish??? my life was completed. i've never felt more happy than i did in that moment gosh. just the hilarity of Roman's drama, the shock of them speaking Spanish suddenly like that, the absolute JOY of seeing a creator i like speak (may i say) perfect Spanish, the other characters' faces after that.. never been happier.

also the conclusion was so cute. Virgil solving the whole problem without wanting to. i loved it.

#4 Am I Original

i think this video speaks for itself. it was fun to watch them all do the ideas Roman had, plus Logan and Virgil nodding at each other, (i love them so much), plus the angst at the end of Roman's perfectionism, plus Roman's just perfect name. this video has it all.

i think Thomas posted it kind of late at night and i watched it at 7am in the classroom as i waited for my classmates to arrive and the class to start. (i usually was like 40 minutes early to school due to mom’s work). i had to contain my laughter and it wasn’t easy.

#3 Losing My Motivation

i started loving this video after a while, when Logan passed Virgil in the position for my favorite side. but once he did this episode was beautiful. it's so funny and i love Logan and Patton's dynamic so much. and the video also so damn relatable in general. i felt so seen with it because they named all the problems i have when procrastinating, down to Patton's vague explanation of his feelings, it's exactly how i feel every time i want to do stuff. and the plot twist! i can hear the dramatic sound effect and see how they all turn to Logan clearly in my head, and it always makes me smile. plus there's so much Logan angst that can be dug up and overanalized. i love to watch it over and over.

#2 Accepting Anxiety

this video was perfect. everything we wanted. we knew it was coming and it delivered perfectly, better than any fanfic done in the waiting time. the week between the parts was agonizing but in a fun way somehow. i remember precisely when i was watching part 2 in my living room. i screamed. and i cried, a lot. i was feeling terrible at that time in my life and Thomas was such a comforting presence and i can't begin to describe how this episode made me feel.

and later it is always fun to rewatch with all their different reactions to being in Virgil's room, the energy of that was on point. Thomas is such a great actor and the characters where just amazingly performed. plus it gave so much to talk adn think about, the idea of the rooms, lots lots of insight into the characters, foreshadowing, so much. it's just perfect i have nothing else to say.

#1 (for purely emotional reasons, ironically) My Negative Thinking

i think Accepting Anxiety is the best episode of the season objectively but my favorite is My Negative Thinking. because i love Virgil and Logan so much and seeing them argue together was and is great. the comfort.. i can't repeat that word enough throughout this post. it's such a soft video while not being overwhelming with Patton and Roman's outbursts. just quiet (mostly) and clear and with perfectly timed humour.

Logan my beloved.. learning spanish... helping me with my own anxiety.. and their debate was so good. and the fact that they were friends i- i can't. Virgil didn't think Logan liked him and Logan told him explicitly that he did and the casual softness of it i cant even. Logan is happy that he tried.. it's just marvelous. Virgil and Logan as best friends will always be my favorite pair, and their dynamic will always be what i strive for in any relationship i might form, with both sides silently comforting each other within their own limits and realistic perspectives. so nice.

- ★ -

so yeah. that's all. thank you if you read all the way up to here. ♡ ♡ ♡

[wewillwriteyou]

Friends Will Be Friends || Chapter 7

A few elements from the main plot: A very special group of friends: early days, drama, laughter, booze, success, rock stars life, girl power, friendship, love, sex, music, misunderstandings, some more drama, family. Pairings in the tags

Summary Chapter 7: Melissa and John.

Word count: 2.6K 

Warnings: SMUT. That’s it. That’s the chapter. Some fluff I guess, but mainly just sex.

A/N: GUYS! We think you’re gonna enjoy this one 😏 so we’ll not bore you with many premises and leave you to it. In theory, in order to read this one, you could have not read the others because this is not strictly linked. However, we always recommend to make sure you got the previous parts (you find the link into the description of this blog) to get better clarity. Stay tuned for the next ones lovesies 💖😏 As usual, if you like what you read, comment, like, reblog and share this with others! For everyone who follows and supports this story, thank you guys (you know who you are)! You are real stars! ⭐💗

On Sunday afternoon Mel thought she could have easily freaked out.

The conversation she had had with Chelsea the previous morning had left her a bitter taste: John didn’t seem like a guy who would date a girl just to make some other girl jealous and Mel thought to herself that he also seemed to like her a lot. However, she could not shake the feeling something could have gone easily wrong.

Whilst sorting through her closet searching for something nice to wear that night, she resolved to casually ask him about Chelsea and only then worry about his reaction. Moreover, she tried to convince herself not to read much into the situation before actually finding out how things were.

She picked a white blouse that loosely fell on her shoulders and tucked it in a long, deep-blue gown which covered her legs till the ankles; while she was brushing her long blonde hair, she realized she didn’t even know where John was taking her and a rush of excitement stretched down her spine.

As she was putting on her coat, the doorbell rang and, grabbing her purse, she rushed out of the door and down the stairs.

When she opened the door of her building, her eyes fixed on John, who was leaning on the side of his car, looking up at her and smiling. He wondered how the hell did she manage to look more beautiful every time he saw her.

“You look stunning” he said when they were face to face and leaned in to softly kiss her lips.

Mel blushed and murmured ‘thanks’; he led her to the passenger’s seat and opened the door for her.

“So where are you taking me?” she asked curiously

John gave her a sly smile and started the car, but did not answer the question.

“Oh I see, you are not gonna tell me because it’s a surprise”

John slightly nodded, still smiling.

“Okay, fine. Just answer me this: you’re not gonna take me out of town to kill me, right? Cause I haven’t had the time to say goodbye to my family” she acted worried and John chuckled but did not give anything away.

They were indeed headed out of town. Well, out of the city center at least.

When they parked the car, Mel got out and suddenly realized where they were: Greenwich. He had actually brought her to the Royal Observatory of Greenwich.

She turned to John, her mouth open in amazement “You are crazy…”

He grinned as he opened the trunk of his car, revealing a picnic basket, and handed her a sandwich “Eggplants, cheese and a bit of salad” he said, grabbing a sandwich himself, and, seeing her confused expression, added “You said you were vegetarian, so I had to come up with something”

Mel was speechless “I can’t believe you remembered”

“Of course” he smiled, closed the truck and helped her climb on top of it.

They chatted for a bit and Mel decided she had to know “This will sound weird and out of the blue, but I have to ask you… what is the deal with you and Chelsea?”

John was confused “Me and Chelsea?”. Mel nodded.

“Well I know her since grade school and we’ve been best friends for years. When we realized we were both coming to London for the university, we decided to move in together. Why do you ask?”

Mel was kind of embarrassed “So there has never been anything between you two?”

John chuckled “You’re not the first person to ask me… But no, there has never been anything between the two of us. I know it’s weird, but it’s also not at all for us: I mean she literally is like a sister to me and I know for sure she feels the same way”

Mel lifted an eyebrow “So she feels like you’re a sister to her too?”

John laughed and Mel felt the tension she had stored cooling off.

They talked for a while, then John helped her to jump down the car and led her inside the observatory. He had inexplicably managed to swoop them into a visit of the museum and of the telescope. Melissa felt like a little girl in a playground and was completely absorbed by the facts and curiosities the tour guide was listing. She knew quite a lot of that stuff and sometimes whispered to John things the speaker had failed to mention. He always smiled back: he spent most of his time gazing at her sideways, completely amazed by the passion with which she spoke of stars and outer space.

As they headed back to the car, Mel broke the silence “Tonight was wonderful”

“It really was” he smiled and stepped closer to her so that they were side by side leaning back on the car. She looked up at him and locked eyes; they were now so close their noses almost touched.

He tilted his head and leaned in to find her lips: she moved in front of him so that she could wrap her arms around his neck. His hands immediately sided her waist, as he began to caress her back. The atmosphere was soft and dreamy, with the sky clear of clouds and the pale light of the crescent moon.

John slowly pulled away, just to give her a smile and to admire how amazingly beautiful she looked: he realized how hopeless he was.

“What?” she asked

“Nothing” he shrugged his shoulders “Let’s get you home, it’s pretty late”

They stayed in silence for the whole ride, his left hand resting between hers on her lap. When he parked outside her building, Mel realized she didn’t want him to go.

“Would you like to come upstairs, for some tea? Or coffee?” she asked, trying to keep her tone as calm as possible.

John had hoped with all his heart she would have said that: he could not have borne the thought of not seeing her for a whole week.

“Sure” he replied.

They headed towards the entrance and John let his hand rest on her back while they climbed the stairs till her floor. Mel felt a quick rush down her spine at the contact. The moment she opened the door, she gladly realized nobody was there: she wondered where the others were for about half a second, then shifted her attention to John.

“Make yourself at home” she whispered, even though she knew they were alone.

Mel turned to face him and there he stood, handsome as ever under the faint light of her living room. She felt literally attracted towards him as if she was being controlled by some kind of magnetic force: she slowly stepped closer, getting rid of her shoes and her coat and he did the same with his jacket.

They stood still for a few seconds, before John inched towards her, so that they were now chest to chest, staring in each other’s eyes. She didn’t need to speak to let him know what was going on inside her head: she wanted him. More than she had wanted anything or anyone in her life.

As she thought that, she felt his breath closer to her face and a second later, his lips were on hers. Mel slowly pulled away from the gentle kiss and quickly glanced at the sofa, where the coats had been carelessly thrown; John followed her gaze and met her eyes again.

She smirked, took his hand in hers and, walking backward, led him towards the bedroom. As she closed the door behind her, she unhurriedly walked towards him. Once they were close again, John bowed to kiss her forehead, then her nose, then, softly, her lips.

He sat down on the edge of the bed and she sat on his lap, both her legs on one side. When he deepened the kiss, his hands climbed up her back and pulled her closer to his chest. She pulled away from his lips and her hands framed his face.

He was unbelievably handsome: she could have looked at him forever. She got closer again to leave a trail of small kisses down his jawline, towards his neck. Tilting back his head, he let out a hushed groan; Mel pulled back again and shifted position so that she now had one leg on either side of him. John wrapped his arms around her back, thus eliminating all the space left between them, and let himself relentlessly fall on the mattress, dragging her with him.

At the impact with the bed, she crushed on his chest, making them both laugh.

“I’m sorry, I thought that was going to be sexy as hell” he chuckled.

Mel rolled on his side laughing. When she looked over at him and caught him staring, she held herself up on her elbows and bent down to kiss his lips. John perched himself so that they were both sitting on the bed again. As the kiss deepened, his hands ran to the buttons of her shirt and she helped him untuck them. She slid her shirt off her shoulders and tossed it down the bed.

She tucked her legs under her so that she could stand on her knees and be some inches taller than him. As she began slowly unbuttoning his shirt, John started leaving small hot kisses on her chest and on her stomach, making her body shiver in pleasure. He stood on his knees too, tossing the shirt on the floor.

Every bit of hilarity there had been, was now gone, as they languidly stared in each other’s eyes. John patiently unzipped her skirt and she slid out of it, laying back on the mattress. He took time to admire her body, before bending down to cover it with his: he kissed her neck, her chest and looked her in the eyes before sliding a strap of her bra off her shoulder and placing small kisses on the marks it had left. Mel arched her spine so that he could unzip it and throw it on the floor; he placed a hand on her breast and began rubbing circles around the nipple while kissing and sucking the other one.

“John” she mumbled, sliding her fingers in his hair. He climbed up to gently kiss her as he drifted his hand towards her hips and started playing with the elastic band of her panties.

She hushed a moan when he pulled them down, enough to slide a finger inside of her, making her arch her spine again.

“You’re already so wet, baby” he whimpered as he rubbed her clit with his fingers.

“John, please” she moaned tightening the grip on his shoulders.

He pulled out his finger and helped her get rid of her panties. As Mel started fumbling with the zip of his pants, she felt how hard he was and felt a new rush of excitement between her thighs. He quickly freed himself of his pants and got down to kiss her eagerly. Mel wrapped her legs around his hips to drag him closer and felt his erection against her inner thighs.

“I don’t think I can take it any longer” he blurted out. Mel loosened the grip and said with a husky voice “Do you have a condom?”

John flushed and shook his head. She smiled at him and literally rushed out of the bedroom towards the bathroom, where she knew the boys kept a stash. John watched her walk back in with a beaming smile and thought to himself that naked, with messy hair, red cheeks and scratches and marks all over her body, she looked even more stunning than usual.

Mel laid on her back again and opened the wrap, while John got rid of the last piece of clothing left to separate them. He adjusted himself and climbed down on her once again, to kiss her firmly; he looked her in the eyes as if he was waiting for some sort of signal.

She shyly smiled and nodded, cupping his jaw with her hands and releasing a heavy breath when he slid inside of her. They both moaned when he began thrusting and Mel bucked her hips along with him, tilting her head back.

John quickened the pace and they both breathlessly muttered each other’s names and let out quiet moans. Mel ran her hands down his back, placing sloppy kisses in the crock of his neck: as their moans grew louder, Mel could feel the heat and pressure build up where their bodies were jointed.

“Jo-John I’m g-getting close” she muttered.

“Me too, darling” he panted, out of breath. He leaned slightly on one arm and slid his other hand down her thigh. The girl let him move it slightly up, allowing him to find a new angle and thrust deeper, repeatedly moaning her name.

Melissa threw her head back at that move and felt herself clench around him as she reached her climax. John followed her right back, crying out her name as he pushed in one last time. They breathed heavily, almost in sync for a while, when John lifted his head to tenderly kiss her on the lips. He pulled himself out and rolled to her side.

He turned to look at her: she was staring at him too, smiling. He smiled back, moved closer to kiss her one more time, before getting up to free himself from the condom and to pick up his boxers.

Mel frowned, thinking he was about to get his clothes and leave; as he saw the look on her face he quickly added “I’m not going anywhere baby-doll” and he leaned on the bed to kiss her again. “I just wanted to clean ourselves up” he explained.

“Yeah, that seems alright” Mel agreed, feeling suddenly dirty and sweaty.

She grabbed her pijamas and a new pair of undies and led him to the bathroom. When she saw their reflection in the mirror, she smiled: Mel noticed the red cheeks, the messy hair and the light glowing in her eyes and couldn’t help but realize she was truly happy. Like she had not been in a long time. John noticed she was staring at her reflection and said, grinning “Seems like you’ve never seen your reflection before”

He had shaken her from her thoughts “Not like this, no”

“Like what?”

“Happy? I mean, truly happy, you know?” she shyly replied.

He openly smiled and got closer, so that they both fitted into the reflection. Mel felt weird, standing there, in front of the mirror, with John, both naked and admiring their own reflection, but also inexplicably home.

She looked up to him and whispered “You make me happy”

He kissed her on her forehead before turning her around and tenderly kiss her on the lips. “You make me happy too, Mel”. She felt suddenly emotional and, feeling tears pinching her eyes, she wrapped her arms around his waist, as he did the same.

They remained tightly hugged for a while, before pulling away and actually washing up, together. As they tucked under the sheets, John hugged her from behind and rested his arm around her waist. They fell asleep almost simultaneously after a few seconds. They couldn’t see each other’s expression as they drifted off, but they had the same grateful smile on their faces.

Chapters: ⤎ previous | next ⤏

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[lyraparadigm]

Nostrum - Troy Otto/OC #7

Chapter 7

Once agian, beta-d by the lovely Sarah

“Troy protects us,” Gretchen nodded, her tone reflecting the assuredness of this belief.

“We can’t rely on the Troys of this world,” Alicia argued, deadpan. 

“She’s right,” Arya agreed, “You can’t. There are a lot of people out there that are worse than Troy. You need to know how to defend yourself against them.”

“Worse than Troy?” Alicia scoffed and Arya found her features twisting into a stern frown.

When Arya had entered the bunker, all her expectations of what bible study had to offer flew right out the proverbial window. Music, punch that was 80% vodka and 20% juice, as well as a bong, wasn’t exactly what she had in mind. Then Arya had taken one look at the decapitated Walker head, still groaning, on the coffee table and burst into hysterical laughter. The group had cheered her on as she played catch up and Arya was happy for this distraction. It was exactly what she needed…until Gretchen had brought up Troy.

As Alicia’s contempt for Troy became blatantly apparent, Arya felt something stir in her that compelled her to voice her own opinion of the man. “He has a code – he puts his people first. Men without codes are worse.” Arya’s tone left no room for argument.

Alicia though, too curious to let Arya finish there, probed, “You’ve met worse men?”

A short, humourless laugh left Arya’s lips, “Yes.”

Gretchen leaned closer, urging her to elaborate. Arya’s gaze flitted around the room, her eyes taking note of the boys passed-out on the couch. She blamed alcohol and exhaustion for the feelings of vulnerability surfacing to her usually cold exterior.

“There are men out there that think they can take what they want from you just because they helped you out a little– that you owe them or something – that your body and your affections are a commodity. They don’t call it rape but they hold things over your head: food, safety, weapons…they make it so you’re compelled to give in. You have to ‘contribute’ in some way or another.” Arya’s voice had turned bitter as she struggled to suppress the shiver that clawed up her spine.

Gretchen gasped softly, “Did you–  were you– in that group?”

Arya nodded, “For a couple of weeks, yeah. I had my brothers with me though and they were pretty intimidating so, aside from a few leers, no one bothered me…but I saw how other women in the camp were being treated.”

“And?” Gretchen asked, “You put an end to it, right?”

Arya stared diligently at the dirt beneath her finger nails. A rather painful lump had started forming in her throat as she opened her mouth to speak, “We snuck out of the camp, me and my two brothers. They wanted to stay back and fight but I didn’t let them. I said it would work out better for us if we raided the armoury and escaped quietly late at night.”

Heavy silence, seeming even to mute the head’s moans, filled the room for a few long moments until Arya broke it with sardonic laughter, “Karma came to bite me in the ass a month later.”

Alicia raised her eyes to look up at Arya, she hadn’t done so since the start of her story– she’d had a feeling that she knew how it would end - that Arya hadn’t stayed behind to fight. Alicia didn’t think much of Arya; the girl was selfish, surly and frankly a little twisted but Alicia had never stopped to wonder why she was this way because frankly Alicia had enough problems of her own to deal with. But as she heard Arya speak with a low voice that cracked in places, Alica felt somewhat guilty for being so quick to judge.

“When I was travelling on my own,” Arya paused to lick her lips, “I got caught in a trap. The same men from the camp had set it up in the forest to catch deer… instead they caught me.” She chuckled derisively as she tried to mask the fear those memories still brought her. Sucking in a small breath, she continued, “Three of them– they had this gleeful look in their eyes…like they couldn’t wait to get me back to their camp.”

“What happened?” Gretchen whispered, her voice hushed with horror. Her face had paled, as had Alicia’s.

Arya’s eyes were impossibly dark, “I killed them.” 

“How?” Gretchen blurted.

Arya shrugged, appearing nonchalant, “Luck. A bit of stupidity on their part and a bit of skill on mine.”

Gretchen seemed to accept Arya’s answer, though she wasn’t sure if it was because her curiosity was satisfied or if it was because Arya scared her. Alicia, however, didn’t buy into Arya’s answer even for a second. Something had happened…something that Arya didn’t want to even think about, much less talk about.

/-/-/

Arya felt somewhat responsible for Alicia as she guided her back to the Clark’s cabin, especially given the girl’s state: both drunk and high, glassy-eyed and giggling randomly. Arya hadn’t really spoken to Alicia before this evening, nor had she given the youngest Clark much thought. There was nothing for her to really go on; Alicia was quiet, choosing to simply follow her Mother’s lead. Arya had been surprised to hear Alicia had killed someone before. The fact that she had found the whole experience as being ’easy’ was also something Arya hadn’t expected. She felt like she could respect the younger girl now.

“Were you always like this?” Alicia sighed as she slumped against Arya’s shoulder.

“Like what?” Arya humoured her as they walked back, Arya supporting most of the Alicia’s weight.

“So cold and selfish. Were you like this before?”

Amusement faded from Arya’s voice as she replied coldly, “I didn’t have the luxury of being coddled by my mom.”

“Please,” Alicia scoffed. “My mom stopped looking after me the second Nick hit puberty and all his drama started.”

Arya’s eyebrows rose at the bitterness in the girl’s tone. “So you’re jealous of Nick? Guess we have more in common than you think,” she muttered under her breath as they approached the Clarks’ cabin. Arya knew exactly what it felt like to be the least preferred child in the household. Opening the door silently, she gestured for Alicia to be quiet so as not to wake Madison. She needn’t have worried- the Clark matriarch was sitting right in the centre of the room with a stern look on her face. Arya saw passed her anger though…she saw weariness and fear. It touched her in a way she hadn’t expected it to.

“She’s fine,” Arya mumbled as Madison approached the both of them in a hurry, taking Alicia off Arya. Both women helped Alicia to her bed and Arya watched pensively as Madison tucked her daughter in. 

“Turns out bible studies is more of a weed and vodka party,” Arya shrugged and Madison nodded, “Yeah I got that.”

Awkward silence ensued for a few seconds before Arya mumbled, “Right. Well, goodnight.”

“Arya–” Madison gripped her arm gently, “Thank you for bringing her back, and for everything you’re doing for Luciana.” Madison’s tone was gentle, persuasive almost, but Arya doubted her sincerity. She could tell Madison had reservations about her and she didn’t appreciate the false kindness.

“It’s fine,” she replied in a clipped manner and turned to leave but Alicia’s hiccupped giggle gave her footsteps pause.

“Don’t mind her Mom, she’s just mean because some very bad men did some very bad things to her.” 

Arya felt her blood freeze and every bone in her body turn to stone.

“–but don’t worry, she killed them all.”

Arya slammed the door shut as she fled the cabin. The nausea in her stomach lurched to her throat and threatened to make her retch. Flashes of memories ripped through her mind but she fought to suppress them. So engrossed in her torment, she didn’t realise Madison had followed her out.

“Arya!” The older woman gripped her arms, “Arya just breathe, Arya look at me- focus.”

Blood rushed to her head, making her dizzy, and suddenly she noticed how impossible it seemed for her to breathe. Wild eyes cleared to focus on hazel ones until clarity returned to her, until she could feel her pulse calming again. She found comfort in the woman’s words, soothing her, telling her she was safe…that it was okay…that she could talk to her about it. Something in Arya snapped as Madison said that. Recoiling, she slapped her hands away.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she yelled. “Leave me alone!”

“Arya, it’s okay, I can help you. I used to be a guidance councillor before all this. I can help.”

Arya looked at the woman in contempt and snarled, “Every word that comes out of your mouth is a lie. I don’t trust you and your farce of sincerity. You just want to know what my weakness is, so you can manipulate me the way you manipulate Troy!”

“Arya that’s not what–” Madison seemed fraught but Arya stepped back, ignoring her.

“Well I don’t have any weaknesses,” she growled. “I killed them didn’t I? I killed my demons. I let him think he was raping me. I waited until he was in me, till he was vulnerable, and then I bit his ear off.” She had a crazed look in her eyes as she struggled to maintain what little composure she had left. “Then he was the one with fear in his eyes… I strangled him to death and I enjoyed every minute of it. So I don’t need you, Madison, and I don’t need to talk about it because I’m not weak like your children,” she screamed. Her vision blurred from unshead tears as she ran, desperate for the sanctuary her small cabin provided. She needed to feel the cool steel of her daggers. She needed to clutch them to her breast and rock herself to sleep. She needed to feel safe.

~*~*~*~

 “So…how’s Luciana?” Troy asked casually as he started up the truck. They had successfully caught the boars that had been breaking into the cabbage fields and were on their way back to the Ranch now.

Nick scoffed as he glared at Troy from the corner of his gaze, “Are you seriously asking me that?”

“Alright.” Troy shrugged, “Just wanted to know how she was…adjusting.”

“She’s fine.” Nick rolled his eyes, turning to face the window, hoping that this would be the end of the probing questions. Sadly, it was not.

“How long’ve you two been together?” Troy asked jovially. Upon not receiving a response, he decided to fill the silence himself, “Must not have been long. Alicia and your Mom didn’t know about her so… a few weeks? Maybe a month? I mean, you guys seem pretty close though–”

“Why do you wanna know?” Nick snapped. “Why are we talking? Just drive.”

“I thought we were friends now, Nicky,” Troy replied, mocking Arya’s use of the nickname. “I just wanted to ask because…well, you seemed pretty close with Arya back there.” His tone had bite to it though his face was a picture of nonchalance.

Nick’s brows shot up  Troy’s questioning made sense to him now. Suppressing a snort at Troy’s jealous antics, Nick decided to play a little, “I guess.” Nick shrugged aloofly, “Arya’s special, you know? She’s one of those people you can’t help but be drawn to.”

Nick snickered under his breath as he watched Troy’s grip on the steering wheel tighten. Troy’s jaw clenched fiercely as he stewed in silence for the rest of the drive back. Arya was proving to be a more difficult challenge than he had initially presumed her to be. Her growing closeness with Nick and Luciana was hindering any further progress on his part. He understood why she’d want to be friendly with Nick – he had seen a different side to Nick earlier tonight but Arya’s warped sense of responsibility towards Luciana, simply didn’t make sense to Troy. He wasn’t jealous, he decided…he was simply irritated– irritated that Arya had so callously rejected him – the one who brought her to this ranch, the one who had saved her…but she was so ready to accept Nick, who had so traitorously left his own family behind, and Luciana who was all but useless.

Arya was better than that and Troy knew it. He just had to make her see that she was wasting her time with them. He had to make her see that where she truly belonged was by his side. He had thought his little ploy of getting the community to fear Arya would win her over. He thought she’d have asked to join the militia by now; he had bloody well hinted at it enough– but no, Arya hadn’t seemed to have caught the bait. Either that, or she had seen through his manipulations. She would be his perfect companion – his second in command, his partner.

His eyes narrowed in thought as he recollected exactly how she had reacted when he had kissed her. She hadn’t kissed back, no, but she had paused. She hadn’t pulled him in but she hadn’t pushed him away either. In fact, if Troy recalled correctly, at one point Arya had even sighed against his mouth. She had gripped his shirt and had become limp in his arms. He felt aroused just remembering how she felt pressed against him.

Troy hadn’t planned on kissing her. He hadn’t even thought about it…. Well, okay, maybe he had, but he hadn’t seriously considered it until he kissed her jaw the other day…but that, he thought, was only to bring her off that bloody high horse she had been on all day. After all, she had ignored him, pushed him away, screamed and slammed a damn door in his face. Worst of all though, she had called him ‘Cyclops’, in a tone that made him feel like he wasn’t wanted anymore. How dare she make light of him almost losing his eye?!  He had seethed for a good hour over that. He had decided to remind her that she found him just as magnetic as he found her. Sure, she’d scream at him, argue, throw things even, but at the end of it all she’d glance at him with that look…the look that meant she understood why he sometimes had to do the shit he had to do. It excited him, made him want to push her buttons, to see what else she was made of and every time he thought he had a read on her - on who she was- she’d do something unexpected. And that reeled him in all over again.

Earlier, when she had so passionately defended him it had been such a goddamn turn on. No-one had done that for him before. No one had been on his side because they genuinely thought he was in the right. How could he resist kissing her after that? She had spoken with such sincerity and it had made his heart lurch with elation. But the moment she had grabbed his face and dug into his cheekbone rather painfully he had realised he’d made a mistake. Even so, he couldn’t bring himself to regret any of it.

She tasted of chaos and bitterness and he wanted to drown in her. 

She had stormed off, pissed at him but he hadn’t let that bother him. Not really. Not until he had seen her with Nick on their late-night stroll. And now Nick was complimenting her like he knew who she was. It angered Troy and fueled his need to see her when they got back. He didn’t know what he wanted to say to her but he figured it’d come to him when he saw her. All he knew, he thought as he parked the jeep, was that Nick couldn’t be the last person she touched tonight.  

He jogged to her cabin, taking out the spare set of keys he would need to break in. His mind buzzed with all possible scenarios of their encounter tonight. He hoped it’d end in more kissing but he highly doubted that. Then again, watching her shout and throw things at him was a pretty heady experience too so he wouldn’t mind that either. 

What he had never, ever expected, however, was to find her curled into a ball on her bed, her body shuddering as she sobbed. She didn’t seem to even realise he had entered. “Arya?” Troy’s features twisting in concern and dismay as he saw her tear-soaked face in the moonlight. “What happened? Arya-”

“GET OUT!” she screamed, her voice laden with pain as it tore through Troy.

“Arya.” His features softened, his eyes wide and round, filled with anguish, as he reached to wipe away her tears.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!!” She tore herself away, hunching in fright with a rabid gleam to her eyes. Troy sucked in a sharp breath at the violent fear he saw in them. A sharp chill crept through him as realisation began to dawn on him. He felt sick to his stomach as his mind raced, figuring out something sick had happened to her. She was hugging herself tightly, her face streaked with tears, her body shaking from crying so hard. How was he supposed to help if she wouldn’t let him touch her?  “Tell me what happened, Arya,” he demanded gently, his features hard as he knelt in front of her. He already had an idea but he hoped to God it wasn’t that. The thought of her being touched against her will made his blood boil.

“No, no, no,” she fumbled and grabbed at her sheathed daggers, sending a lamp crashing to the floor in the process. She clutched them tightly to her chest and clenched her eyes shut as she struggled against her memories, trying to claw herself back as they suffocated her. She could still feel his rough hands on her skin, the bitter stench of his breath on her face, the foulness of his lips against hers. ‘Make it stop’, she sobbed, keeling into herself.

Troy ached to help her as he listened to her pleas; he felt powerless and it drove him to desperation. He didn’t know what to do. Every time he tried to touch her, she’d smack his hands away… but he burned with the need to soothe her– to make her feel safe. So he engulfed her writhing body in his arms and refused to let go, even as she scratched and clawed at his face, his arms, his chest. He held on firmly, tightly, pressing his mouth to her ear as he repeated, “You’re safe. I’m here. I won’t let anything happen to you, Arya. You’re safe.” 

His scent leaked into her consciousness, flooding her with an unexpected calmness. “I won’t let anything happen to you.”  His whispered words cascaded over her and despite not being lucid enough to really hear them, as she gazed into his stormy blue eyes that were ablaze with fury, she believed him.

Accepting his presence and her place in his arms, she slowly wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. Troy felt like this room and this moment with her was the only part of the world that mattered, that existed. Softly stroking her hair as he continued to hold her tightly, he whispered his promises until they fell asleep: he’d protect her, no matter what.

[milquetoasted]

Big People - Zijun Li: Growing and training alone, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks. Article & video published on QQ Sports on 25 Feb 2017 (article translation below).

(t/n: Zijun’s given name is used in place of her full name for simplicity, as well as to differentiate from her mother and unrelated former coach Mingzhu Li, who both have the same family name.)

After the short program at the [2017] Asian Winter Games, standing before the camera, Zijun Li opens her mouth several times unable to make a sound.

“I am very disappointed with my placement.” Zijun’s dissatisfaction with her performance is written all over her helpless face. Despite originally choosing an easier combination jump for stability, points were still lost due to underrotation. As a favourite to win at the Asian Winter Games, Zijun’s first showing was unsatisfactory.

Going back to the Four Continents Championships a week ago, she accidentally fell and hit her head in practice, and after her ending pose on one knee, could not stand up for a while to thank the audience. While waiting for the results, the girl who is usually playful in front of the camera had an emotional outbreak, falling into her coach’s arms and bursting into tears. After the competition, Zijun told everyone that her legs were shaking on the ice, that the veteran felt an inexplicable tension.

What was she worried about? From the former prodigy to the current rising star, she has grown accustomed to a dialogue with loneliness, used to growing alone through dull training, but she knows that she has passed the age of being wayward, and now values every chance to be on the ice. She doesn’t want to let breakthrough become only a slogan, doesn’t want to lose herself again.

“Only for a song, blood dyed a lonely red; only for a dream, broke the mountains and rivers; only for a heart, loved and only met before separation.” These lyrics come from Zijun’s free skate music, “Only for Love”. Now, they also represent her state of mind. She thanks all the years where she did not easily give up, for loving yourself requires unconditional investment. Jumping again and again, she has already seen the storms of life.

Growing and training alone, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks

At 9 AM, on the streets of snowy St.Petersburg, the sky is still dark. Wearing a black down jacket and carrying her skates, Zijun walks quickly, the red “CHINA” on her slender back standing out. At her side, a Russian man seems to tell her something, talking as they walk, following her the entire way. Her features reveal a trace of confusion and anxiety and she quickens her pace, almost jogging the rest of the way… a few minutes later, she finally arrives at her destination, Running through the doors of the rink, Zijun’s expression evidently relaxes, smiling as she greets the people she meets in English and occasionally speaking a few words in Russian.

This is her 56th day in St. Petersburg.

As the top Chinese ladies’ figure skater, 8 years since her debut, Zijun’s charming appearance, slender figure, and elegant movements have been well received with insiders’ praise and fans’ love. To further improve the level of her skating, the Chinese National Team arranged for Zijun to spend 2 months training abroad in St. Petersburg, under the tutelage of the coach of Russian “Ice Czar” Plushenko, the world-renowned figure skating coach Alexei Mishin.

In Russia, the days are exhausting and monotonous. Most times, a day includes 4 sessions of training off ice and 2 sessions on ice, often “training from dawn to dusk.” The type of “frightening” on the streets has also become commonplace. “Due to the language barrier, I don’t know what they’re saying, and it’s really quite scary.” A young girl on the streets encountering older men, she usually chooses the method of “ignore, then walk faster”.

“Compared to all the jumps and turns [I experience] on land, I suddenly feel like the ice is something that makes me feel happy and grateful…” Zijun keeps a notebook specially for recording the state of her daily training. Now, this notebook is nearly full, with careful documentation of each jump and rotation on the ice. “Once, after leaving the rink, I checked my notebook. An on ice session not including runthrough with music had a total of 65 triple-triples and lutzes… do you want to experience the ascension to the afterlife? Try his training method.” Joking through the bitterness, Zijun says she has “trained herself silly, and often can’t find where her waist and legs are.”

But compared to the training overload, her inner loneliness is more frightening. Mishin’s team is almost entirely composed of Russian girls with blond hair and high noses, with Zijun being the one that sticks out. And with the language barrier, her rinkmates not knowing English, she also has no way of joining the conversations and laughter of their “little groups”. She would rather train alone in the hallways away from the rink, thinking about the day’s training content and plans.

With heavy snow outside the window, under the dim light, her thin silhouette on the wall looks silent and lonely. Many times, she only has herself for conversation.

From the 12-year-old who journeyed alone to the US to the competitor travelling throughout different continents, Zijun’s talent for languages has always been her pride. When training in the US or Canada, basic necessities were managed by herself, but this time, in a non-English country, she feels like she “cannot handle it”.

On the first trip to the supermarket in -20°C weather, both hands carrying a large bag, she stood in the snow for over 2 hours unable to find transportation. The passerby she tried to ask for help from could not speak English, until a kind-hearted Russian youth helped her call a taxi to return to her hotel. Afterward, she learned to download the app for calling taxis, learned basic Russian words… but it was still not easy to go out, because the experience was too painful and left an impression.

Lu Chen, the only Chinese singles skater who has won an Olympic medal, has always believed in such a phrase — “to reach the peak, one must bear the loneliness”. As the “heir to Lu Chen”, Zijun also feels the impact of this phrase deeply. Since the days of the 14-year-old who defeated Liu Yan to win the national championship, becoming “sister no.1” of Chinese ladies’ singles figure skating, she has been experiencing this kind of life for 7 years.

Zijun Li and Russian rinkmate

Thankfully, the people at Mishin’s club are all very friendly to her, and coach Mishin is especially fond of this “porcelain doll” from China. Not only helping her find a hotel to stay in, but also bringing eggs from home to give to her for nutrition. “You need to eat more good things, only a strong body has the energy to jump,” are the words that coach Mishin most often tells her.

Don’t be fooled by Mishin’s appearance of a kindly Santa Claus, the training regimens he creates are not gentle in the least.

Mishin once said: “the coaches of ladies’ singles skaters have the most dangerous job in the world, because you don’t know what will happen next, there are so many possibilities.”

“Females are fragile material, many factors can affect their results, moods, and feelings in competition. Some very subtle things can also affect them. In addition, for most girls the changes from puberty are difficult to resist.” However, Zijun’s talent and hard work won the favour of this figure skating godfather. Wherever he goes, coach Mishin doesn’t forget to text her to ask about her training.

Coach Mishin’s “If you can’t hold on anymore, cry in my arms, once you stop crying start anew” text remains saved in Zijun’s phone. Whenever she is about to give up, she takes it out to read.

As “from dawn to dusk”, “turning until everything is dark, jumping until heaven falls and earth cracks”… has become the norm, there is only one motivation allowing her to persevere: “the persistence to your dreams”.

All the sacrifices will eventually pay off. On her 20th day in St.Petersburg, her lutz and flip could finally coexist on the same ice; on her 24th day, she weighed 42.9 kg, a weight she hadn’t had since puberty, “a new level of thin”…

Watch American dramas to learn English, learn to make dumplings on birthday

“Finally dinnertime after a day of training… what to eat tonight, whichever letter looks good, I’ll choose it.” she shows a Russian menu.

Russian food is monotonous and difficult to swallow, and her budget for food is limited, so she must learn to cook for herself. On December 14th, her 21st birthday, Zijun tried to make dumplings for the first time. Upon her first bite, the emotions almost brought her to tears.

This birthday, making dumplings for the first time

Apart from travel and food, she also had to face moving continually. The hotel that coach Mishin found for her only had one room with a kitchen. When other guests booked the room, she had to move out, stay in another room, and after they left, she would move back in. As a result, the place where she has lived for two months has few traces of her habitation. “Yesterday I just moved back, this is already the 4th time. It can’t be helped, since the amount we pay isn’t enough for this room, so if it gets booked I must move.” Her words carry the indifference of someone who has been through hardship.

Of course, apart from hardship, there are also things that bring her happiness, such as learning a new move, such as succeeding on all of a day’s triples… Every time this occurs, she treats herself to an ice cream. “I love eating ice cream the most in the winter, especially on snowy days.” Laughing, she takes small bites of the ice cream in her hands, happiness written all over her face.

Outside of the rink, in her daily life in St. Petersburg, Zijun mostly stays in her room, drawing, listening to music, watching American shows. Lying under the covers and watching shows is the most comfortable part of her daily routine. “Rest is one factor, 90% of my English was learned through watching shows. [I have to] know English and be to hold conversations, or else after this many years, I would really become mute.” Her favourite shows are TV dramas about school youth, such as “The Vampire Diaries” and “Pretty Little Liars”. As a professional athlete, she cannot experience school life in the way that most people of her age do. This loss of feeling is often just made up for through film.

Self-confidence, openness, bravery, thoughtfulness, these marks of someone with over 90 years all show themselves vividly on Zijun. In her free time, she goes on Weibo, chats with her friends, shows her smiles and happiness instead of bringing up the bitterness behind her. In this way, she wants to tell the friends and family in China who care about her that she’s doing well.

After years adrift, a burden weighing on one back

After the days of “butterfly on ice” Lu Chen, ladies’ singles skating in China sank into a period of drought. Although new faces showed themselves during this time, none were able to maintain the spotlight, especially on the artistic front. When Zijun came onto the scene, things began to change. The names of “skating prodigy”, “first sister of ladies’ singles”, “goddess on ice”… became the weights that 14-year-old Zijun had to carry on her back.

Zijun Li, quirky from a young age

Zijun’s fame was a product of the times. Since her debut, her grip on the top spot in Chinese ladies’ singles skating has never loosened. Despite still having a sizeable difference in level compared to the world’s top athletes, within the country no ladies’ singles skater has the abilities to challenge her. At each year’s World Championships, only Zijun has the strength to keep striving for a medal, in all these years, she has never found someone to share this burden with.

On the inside, she is suffering too. Results have yet to show substantial progress, breakthrough is still only a motto, yelled out again and again, becoming more confused and overwhelmed. And then there are the difficulties of physical changes in puberty and the issue of finding a long-term coach.

Zijun is not the type of athlete who develops muscle well, weight gain will bring her more evident changes, so in previous years coach Mingzhu Li controlled this aspect very strictly, with random weighings each day, accurate to two decimal places. Sometimes, never mind eating, even drinking too much water would be a luxury.

“Weight control is easier said than done. For a long time, she wouldn’t eat proper meals, didn’t even drink enough water. Sometimes, when she was so thirsty she couldn’t stand it, she would rinse her mouth with water and then spit it out,” said her mom, Chunyan Li. She would be able to bear it for a day or two, but they lived that way for about a year. Daughter unable to eat, she would go hungry as well. Sometimes, mother and daughter both kept awake by hunger at night, in neighbouring beds listening to each other’s stomachs growling, gathering strength and encouragement from each other.

The bitterness of weight control, the intense training, and the high expectations of her coach caused Zijun to cry “I’m not doing this anymore” daily during her “rebellious phase”, yet each morning she would pick up her skates and head back to the rink.

Depression, pressure, and irritation, in addition to exhaustion from training, quickly built up and Zijun fell ill. Continuous fevers and allergy symptoms led her mother to take her to the hospital nearly every day. “That was a period of ‘one issue cured today, another symptom pops up tomorrow’, for several days she couldn’t fall sleep all night, and I was thinking, what happened to my girl?” However, even when she returned to Changchun for treatment, her coach did not completely stop the training, persisting to get her on the ice.

If weight can be said to be a manageable issue, then the real source of unrest for Zijun would be the problem of coaching that has yet to be solved. In the year after the contract with coach Mingzhu Li expired, Zijun first trained with famed American coach Frank Carroll in California, then with choreographer Lori Nichol in Canada. Since last November, she then went under the tutelage of Mishin. Each coach could only accompany her for a few months, and without systematic training, Li had to become familiar with all kinds of different ideologies and methods. This often made it difficult for her to feel at ease. “The entire time, I haven’t been able to find a steady coach, and that might be what I need most right now.”

However, the past year’s grind let a young girl’s weak heart gradually grow stong. “Actually, with the frustration of this past while, I finally understood the things I want for myself, understood what was important to me, because there is a kind of belief that has supported me along my path. Now, I’ve become a person of steel.”

“Skating is truly my passion, but I also see it as a responsibility.” Reaching toward the sun with both hands, she writes: “Where the is shadow, there must also be light…”

Behind the brutal questioning, a consistent persistence

In February 2015, at the Four Continents Championships in Seoul, the arena was filled with thunderous applause after a performance to “Moon River”.

Takeoffs, turns, gestures, glides… Zijun carefully completed the 12 required elements, not perfectly, but without major errors. In a bit over 2 years, struggling with puberty in an almost cruel way, her efforts finally paid off. After the competition, she experienced catharsis from her pressures, hiding her tearful face. First, she bowed deeply to the audience, and then hugged her coach at the rinkside, crying.

The tears stained her makeup.

She was not the only one who teared up. Watching her performance, CCTV5 commentator Ying Chen said: “As the only ladies’ singles skater that our country really can present, a bad skate will lead to so much questioning. Even with a selfie posted on Weibo, there will be many comments saying ‘why aren’t you training properly, so vain’. In fact, isn’t that the personality that a strong performer should have?”

Too many eyes and expectations have gathered on Zijun. And because of these expectations, she has experienced mountains of adoring fans and disapproving questioners alike. Zijun enjoys sharing bits of her life on social media, often sharing some inspirational words, but is always accused of not training properly or wanting to play too much. She hopes to show a side of herself that is kind and happy, while the attention placed on achieving high and the frustrations of being unable to break through are revealed to few.

Without results to return to the expectations of the public, this is the struggle hidden beneath Zijun’s beautiful face. 20 years old is not young for a ladies’ singles skater. In Russia, those over 20 have practically all retired from this discipline, and “ET”, Elizaveta Tuktamisheva, who is the same age as Zijun, is known as the “veteran” in Mishin’s team. Even so, there are coaches who tell her, “You are still young, move little by little, there is still hope in the future.” Whenever she hears these words, Zijun will think, wronged, “I am not young, it is only my doll-like Asian face that seems so.”

She knows, if she wants recognition, she needs to prove herself as soon as possible, even just once. It could be at the Asian Winter Games in Sapporo, or the World Championships in Finland, or next year’s Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang.

In the two months of training in Russia, Mishin has changed almost all the jumping passes in Zijun’s free program, significantly increasing the difficulty. Although her consistency is still not high, she did not reject the changes he made. Because she knows that the Pyeongchang Olympics are less than a year away, and if she doesn’t fight now, there may not be another chance.

During interviews, journalists asked her what her goals for the Asian Winter Games were. Zijun, who was smiling sweetly, suddenly put her smile away and replied, “Strive for the top three, and then fight a bit more for higher spots. Japan, Korea, and Kazakhstan all have strong skaters, but if I put my best self out there, I can reach the podium.”

For the expectations of others, and for the efforts put forth by herself, this time, Zijun will be ruthless.

Conclusion

On the eve of Lunar New Year in 2017, Zijun and her mother buy groceries at the supermarket. She suddenly stops at a counter of fried chicken, looking at the different flavours of chicken through the window. Turning her head, she asks the reporter, “Do you know what my biggest wish in life is?” The reporter shakes their head, not knowing. Zijun smiles playfully and says, “It’s to open a supermarket! Supermarkets have all kinds of delicious food and drinks, and I can open my stomach to eat whatever I want.”

Hearing these words, her mother also replies: “Yes. Since she was young, her dream has been to open a supermarket. When we went to the US together before, the sight of Costco would maker her happiness bloom like a flower. She said she wanted to open a store like Costco, because they had the biggest packages of food.”

Zijun smiles. “That reminds me, maybe it can be my New Year’s wish this year!”

[jecasso-blog]

G A

I rushed to the glass door as fast as I could. The rain was falling lightly, but in thick drops to the ground and onto my jacket. My black cap was already wet as I entered the small, warm café. Perplexed, my eyes wandered around, searching, till they saw her… She. I was relieved. 'Man, it took you long enough.' she growled with false anger. She was sitting directly in front of the café window. 'I just saw you outside doing your thing', she laughed as I answered with a chuckle: 'Yeah, I do skips like an elementary school girl.'   'It's cute.', she replied with a smile. In that moment, my heart imitated me on a hectic, rainy day. I seated myself in front of her, the window next to me was still attacked by the few raindrops falling. The sky was getting dark, and I thought, lately, the sun did go down faster than usual. I let out a big sigh, the contrast between the window and the café - I always liked it . 'I adore this weather. It's so underappreciated and so hated. And yet, it makes dates like these so much comfortable', she commented, as if she read my mind. The weak, almost whispered 'Right?' coming from my mouth was the only word I could put out. When I looked at her eyes, which were entirely black, from this near distance... It swayed my mind. Most people think black eyes are boring, but they have hidden meanings. Like the rain. Silently, I was showering her with compliments. As I looked at her lips, only slightly shining from lip balm, she said, ' I don't like sunny days'. That sentence somehow burned into my mind as I replied,' Yeah. When summer calls , there will be sweaty balls.' She exploded. 'Dude. What the fuck?', but she laughed so hard, the only other group in the back of the café stole some glances. As we both enjoyed this immature joke like middle school kids, I took a look at her outfit. She was dressed 'casually elegant' in her terms: A black cap like I did, sitting lightly on top of her head, with straight, obsidian black hair at shoulder length, which framed her face perfectly, especially the few strands which were slightly covering her left eye. The olive-green silk blouse was slightly opened, to leave room for her black turtleneck underneath. Continuing the dark theme, her black jeans were ripped DIY-style and reached to her ankles, which were covered by her high top black vans. As we calmed down, the waitress came over and took our orders: A big pot of Japanese green tea. When she left, I waited for a few seconds, before I gazed straight into her black eyes, and somehow, I couldn't pretend any longer that I was happy like always. I tried to speak with sincerity: 'Do you know why... Do you know why I wanted to meet You.. here?' Her eyes glistened, her look changed. 'We met in here, because it's our place, our realm, our paradise. Our first and best memories, we made them in here. The first time we saw each other was in that corner', she pointed at a door curtain in the back of the café, 'where the records are. When I walked in, I saw a boy of my age, listening to Marvin Gaye - I think it was "What's going on", that's when you saw me. Wait-', she crossed her legs, folded her arms, making a sour face, 'Dude, I am not going to tell this story how your cheesy ass would!', I heard a mix of an angry and playful tone in her voice, but the honest expression of my eyes said it all. They saw my sadness. Slowly, she sat up, based her hands on the edges of her chair. I could tell, she seemed to get herself together, when her head turned to the window. But then, she returned throwing her two pure, black pearls at the brown tinted windows of my soul, continuing the things I wanted to hear: 'You saw me. Next to me. I was trying to figure out how the record player worked. You jumped to me, helping me to get to play the vinyl, and then you saw that it was Etta James on the turntable... Back then, I was surprised how good these old geezers were, I wasn't expecting that back then. And there we were, two souls: a young soul, in a new futura mindset, and an old soul, stuck in a body of a college boy. You welcomed me, and soon, we were listening to the sorrows of the past, in this café. It was the perfect circumstance for a day of musical exchange. And that day became a week, a month, ten years. But enough of the glorious days of our past.'

The amount of bitterness and raw emotion in her voice made it harder for me not to lose it: 'J...I can tell, you have something on your mind. Something bad. Something that-', she made a pause,'...will give all the records we listened to a meaning. J, the only thing that would make you look like this, would be-'

The waitress came and brought the tea. I thanked her with a dry throat, and poured some tea in both mine and her cup, I was shaking, nearly spilling some in the process. I held the cup to my nose, with both my hands, feeling the hot, evaporated water on my skin. I looked out the window and noticed that the rain stopped, and some sun rays pierced through the clouds. 'Weird. I thought the sun already set.' I could hear her sigh, she knew the game I was playing. And she has always beaten me. 'You lost track of time ever since the battery of your watch ran out... And I feel like you are here to tell me that our battery will soon die too.' I slowly glanced back at her with a bitter smile on my face. Fatality. I took a sip of my tea. Bad idea. The hot liquid burned my tongue, but I tried to hide it. My reaction made the dense atmosphere a little lighter. But not sufficiently. 'You never learn, do you? Don't hide your silliness, I can always see you from a mile away when you fuck up', she chuckled. But her chuckle felt mortified. 'Now tell me, why is it that your eyes are also shouting for help?' The moment has come. I placed the cup on the table, still grasping them with both hands. I began to say: ' I never thought would meet someone like you. Honestly.' Normally, she would react with rolling eyes and leave the room when I began my appreciation speeches, but now, she sits before me, with her eyes, with warmth, and for the first time, she seemed to love what I was saying. 'My heart is still skipping like an elementary school girl every time I see your face. Every time I think of you. Every time you give back some borrowed clothes, your scent makes me want to never wash it again. All of the things that we sang along, that we sang about, that we wrote about. I am lucky. I am blessed to have you, and I thank God every day that you make me feel more alive. I was already about to give up on love. I experienced the worst, I was used, betrayed. I was like a loyal dog, forgotten on a highway rest stop. The only thing that was giving me hope and consolation were these records.' I was too weak to hold the cup any longer, I let it slip slowly through my fingers, and softly onto the table. I sighed slowly. 'And now we are here.' Short silence.  

'Like in a movie.' She was ready for what was coming.

'Like in a drama, yes, you already know it. I wanted to have a good ending scene. The best grand finale. But now, I have to give you a reason why it isn't going to be. I wish I had none. But the timer has run out.'

Silence. My shame made me not look at her, but I could feel her tears from across the table. That phrase was the most feared sentence in the world. I started to question how powerful the devil really was. Impossible things happen from being blessed, and yet we are faced with cruel tasks time and time again.

'I was assigned to fi-'

'I know.', her eyes fell back to the times she was before. And it mixed with the current her.

A sense of sudden fear of what she was going to say next surprised me. My wet eyes were searching around the café, hopelessly praying for a lucky sign that it wasn't going to be what he concluded.

'Look at me.' The whisper made me well up, but I managed to do as she said. Meanwhile, the clouds were parting and a new rays could shine through. And what I saw was the most beautiful image of my life. The sun was shining on her lips, and even though the cap created a dark shadow over her eyes, they glowed so brightly, eerily determined. Yet, the tears were still running down to her mouth, and I saw something odd. A smile. She was like an angel. A guardian angel.

-- I was sweating as I tried to pave my way as fast as I could to the café. It was unbearably muggy since July started. Luckily, the café had air condition and the fresh breeze cooled my pants. I sat down by the window, staring out, squinting, trying to look past the raw sunlight piercing through the window. 'Long time no see, darlin', the same as always?' I turned to see the waitress next to me. 'Yes, long time no see. Indeed, please one pot of green tea.' 'Straight comin' up. I knew you would come today. I think it is the tenth, right? Then, today, everything is on the house.'

'Thank you very much… Yes, it is the tenth anniversary today.'

As she quickly fetched the orders from guests, she came back with the tea.

'A pot of Japanese green tea, with an extra cup, and the butter cake.' 'Thanks.' 'I never told you she was one of my favorite customers. Every time she would stop by, she would talk to me about all the ideas she had in this café. I felt sincerely happy and it was one of the best compliments I have ever received. The reason I built this type of café, was to inspire people, and protest against the NUR. Her songs describe topics that are so cliché today in a new and refreshing way. I mean, she wrote 'polaroid boy' in here... I can tell that it is about you. Seeing you both in here, it's like a visit from family. Well technically, having you two be there in my little business from the start, you are family.'

'Yeah, we always loved your quirky ass, Mrs. Carter.' ' don't get too rude now, boy, or I will whoop ya ass as if you were still that little brat!', But we both laughed, my laughter cracked a little as I thought back. 'I never understood why someone like her would feel so understood by a man that is the definition of cheesy.' I smirked and rejoined:' Sometimes I wonder myself. I guess she found that there are still people who really can pull off being greasy.' 'I would call that bragging, if I didn't know you so well, darlin'.' Mrs. Carter turned to look for the other customers. 'I will leave you now. Let me know if you need something.'

As she left, I looked out the window again. Still sunny. My look went to the table with hesitant eyes, after a holding back a feeling not welcomed, I finally poured myself some tea. Filled the other cup. I was shaking, missed a few drops. I fetched some tissues and tried to wipe the small puddles, when my eyes caught something underneath the plate, where the butter cake was waiting. I lifted up the plate and saw that it was a photograph. A Polaroid. On it there were two people looking at each other. They were shown from the back, and I could recognize the corner where the record players and vinyls where sitting. I angled the photo to the light to see more details and immediately, I saw myself. Mrs. Carter was probably the one taking the picture. I saw my old blue college jacket, the white sleeves were dirty and washed out. Down under I wore  black pants and the 6" boots. Headphones were resting on my neck and I was intensely looking at her. She was wearing red booster steel wings, and her body was covered in a crimson red, tight, metal armor. The rainbow-colored neon lights were all over the place, indicating how much energy was left.

I paused to look out. No clouds in the sky, what a shame. Summer storms were the best. Turned the Polaroid. As expected, an unexpected letter. The writing was tiny, yet so precise and clean. I instantly recognized her unique font. 'ZigZag', she called it. 'Never thought she would do something like this. This doesn't fit her', I thought to myself.

'Homie don't be phony,

Hello. Is it me you're looking for?  Because this is just a letter. From me. I know~,, crazy right? I also don't get why people would write letters when they can just leave voice messages. Or even take a video. But, I think I can make an exception for you. Dude~,, when you are reading this, then Mrs. Carter decided to let you free from my prison. I wanted to let suffer a little more~,, but I guess people aren't as cruel as me.

Okay, I will forget for now that I am trying to push boundaries wherever I can, because I want to be clear, and sincere.

J, we've been together for a long while now, and I still can't seem to understand you fully. The way you act, the way you talk, even the way you look at me. Blood flows where it shouldn't be, where I didn't allow it to flow. And places got real wet, where I thought it would be dry for decades to come. You know~~ You aren't just interesting to me, an inspiration for my creativity, you also are my biggest enemy. And you know that. All the things I tried to change in this world make a difference, it involved mainly pushing tradition and culture off the ledge into the burning fires. I changed the way people dress, I changed the pop sound that was long overused. I created new standards for people to live to. But you, you didn't seem to fit in. When I was walking in this café, hoping to find all of this useful to bash old times, I came across the vinyls, the soul section. You know the story, so I wont tell it again, because it's embarrassing. When I tried to change the world, you changed me. (halt.  Dude~,, I really copied your  writing style, you really did some programing on me. It's disgusting.) You are everything that was good from these times, embodied and it felt like I was about to go mad. My other was not expecting this to happen to my U2VsZiBsZWFybmuluZyBhbGdvcml0aG0=. Until now I am still trying to figure out why I stick with you, when I could have been with someone else who could push my innovation further. But.. You really showed me that not all things old were bad. You reinvented me. You replaced my dope cold steel coat with a blanket full of overused love sayings. And somehow it kept me warm. And I thank you. For the first time I was like a normal girl. Even me, the fashion icon of  dressed a lot different than outside. You knew this other side, but you knew the one I was showing to you, was the real one. From the day we met, my sound changed, I revised all the things that I innovated. And it was a huge success. But for the first time, I didn't care about it. And until now, I was fighting to find me. And not the vessel for my… brain, like I was before. Now it's just a trait of mine that upgraded the broken, fake puppet, and made me a full, real woman that I have become.

In my life I never thought I would follow my 'father', I was lucky to learn that thought and encrypt it. But in the end, it didn't matter.  It always was my destiny. But what makes it worth it, it was for a special someone.

Take care of the old sassbrat Carter and her paradise for me.

I know that you will understand. I hope you didn't break my promise of not leaving AREA S. Okay, before I finally transform into a duplicate of you, let me be wild again-'

The letter changed into a drawing of a skull that is was cut around the forehead, and the brain was showing, one half was flowing out of the skull, decorated with noisy patterns, all through the backside of the polaroid, while the other half was static and in normal shape, full of heart shapes.

There was a sentence beneath it.

I looked to the skyline of NEW SR-88.0.

It was sunny weather. Heavy rain began to fall.