#this could be a diary entry or an email (to my therapist) but i think i just need to put it into the world

[soup-or-who-lock]

mad

[lupismaris]

So while the new job has been all around really good I still very much feel like I am drowning and two steps away from having a complete and utter catastrophic breakdown for no other reason than the routines and structures and self care practices I had spent the whole of 2020 and most of 2021 putting into are completely gone

So what we've had to start doing is, for lack of a better term, direct ourself through the day to make sure that we are rebuilding those routines- morning and evening skin care and medication, proper mealtimes and as many legitimate meals as possible, little actions and choices meant to feel like every day luxuries and "reasons to love being alive" that fill our day to day with lovely things that are functional and useful as well- all while still running on the tracks of daily 9 to 5 office worker life, it feels like directing myself in a film at times with how tired I am. It's been harder than I want to admit, I keep cracking jokes on here about things like eating pasta every day or being a mess but rebuilding routines is always so much harder than I remember.

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up later than I should have but still had my first coffee and spent time with my cat before getting ready for work. I made a gingerbread latter to take to the office and took my meds with me so I could take them after I'd eaten some food, its not the usual routine but it's better than not taking them at all. I put up new decorations but I struggled to focus, I got my name finally changed in the university system but then had to explain my deadname vs chosen name situation to the whole department because of an email error. I skipped lunch and had too much coffee. I added a 1000 words to my nanowrimo project and watched my colleagues circle overhead in a helicopter as they took photos. I bought wine and made sure they were all new kinds I hadn't tried before. I restocked my medical vapes, making sure they were also new strains so that I could expand my range a bit more. Dinner is salad and sardine toast, but at least I'm having dinner.

I know this sounds more like a drab diary entry than a blog post and you're right it is but it's a strange things to be so tired and rung out that you detach and watch yourself the way you would a film, think of your routine the way you would a script. If that's how it happens then how to we add to the script? How do we alter the mood and deepen the atmosphere? How do we structure the scene better and give the character more coherence in their identity?

Is this a healthy way of thinking probably not and no I do not plan on mentioning this to my therapist because it's a harmless way to get through the harder days but hey, it meant I put the work in, stuck to my routines the best I could, tried new things, tried at all

That's what matters right

[thejosh1980]

Love Me Tender

I did something really amazing yesterday... But I can't share what I did...

I did something that went against every anxious bone in my body... But, I'm sorry, I can't tell you exactly happened...

I did something that deep down inside, while I felt excited about the opportunity I was given, also freaked me out to the point that I had to talk myself through the whole thing...

I had to face my demons...

OK, I'll try to clarify...

I stopped drinking about 6 years ago. The short story is, I was self medicating. I was using alcohol to hide my anxiety and, in doing so, increased my depression. (Of course, there's a lot more to it than that, but who needs a run down of my darkest moments and the story of how I hit rock bottom? This is not the time nor the place...)

I was seeing a therapist in Germany when I lived there, who had helped me a lot. Since I freed myself from alcohol, with his help, I found ways to acknowledge my anxiety, frustrations and depression and to help me get through the hard times.

I was not perfect. I was not cured. I would say I was getting a lot less broken as time went on. I was finding some confidence. With his help, I was figuring my shit out. My doc, was the best thing that happened to me.

So fast forward until now... This has been a tough year, right?...

Our relationship and wedding was great (relationship is still on course), but then with the lock down, the delayed flights and quarantine, just getting down under has been hard, stressful and sometimes, I just don't realize how difficult it really is and what affect it has/had on me. I always think “well other folks have it worse, I shouldn't worry about how bad it is for us...” but sometimes that's easier said than done... Especially in the thick of it...

So I was in a kind of limbo state during the last few months in Germany, and once we got here to “The Ocean Shores Resort”, that state continued.

Sure, I get up each day, my routine is pretty simple, I drive mum to work and pick her up. The rest of the time I fill it up, one could say, recharging my batteries in my own weird way (I rarely can sit still for more than 5 minutes except to write this bog entries)...

It's been 5 weeks, very little motivation. I don't play guitar, I don't read, I don't do things that need energy. I keep it very simple.

The pressure is on myself to find a new career and study or work. Our goal is to buy a little house, surf, relax and enjoy the Northern Rivers of NSW while taking care of mum. I haven't done much to help us get in that direction... Other than move half way around the world during a pandemic... (Something I have to keep reminding myself when I get to thinking I'm pretty useless and unproductive.).

I always put unnecessary pressure on myself to get things done, right now, correctly and efficiently.

So I needed to find a way to help me feel like I was doing something... Anything... I kept checking for jobs in the area, talk with folks about what I could do for a living and figure myself out... I was trying to find that spark. (By the way, Alex has pretty much figured out her next step, and maybe the next few steps! She's inspired and I'm super happy for her).

Yesterday was the culmination of finding a spark, facing my fears and coming out the other side proud of myself (no matter what the final outcome of the “thing” I did).

I processed and worked through my anxiety and took a step in a self help / self improvement direction... I didn't expect this to be the outcome of the experience I had yesterday, but I was over the moon excited, not so much about the thing that I did, but how I did it and how it made me feel after achieving it.

I spent about 2 weeks talking myself into this gig... Like a lot...!!! I've also been talking with my wife, my mum, step Dad and my best friend. Building my courage. Overcoming my anxiety.

I was constantly one small hiccup away from giving up...!

Really!

I was just waiting/hoping for the slightest detail, the smallest wave, to throw me overboard, to run me off the road, to give me ... an excuse... any excuse will do!! But somehow, I took each step, made it smaller and smaller until it was a lot of smaller steps that I could over come... One at a time...

To give you an idea, I knew I had to print out some paperwork and fill it out... That sounded like A LOT of work to me at the time... So I broke it down to... “turn on the laptop”... “check emails for file”... “open file”... “read it”.... “take laptop to the printer”... “make a coffee”... “come back to laptop”... “turn on printer”.... etc etc etc you get the idea...

Fast forward a day or two...

When I got to the “interview”, there were a lot more people outside than I expected, than I was told...!! (My insecurities were playing havoc!) But instead of worrying about that, I forced myself to... “find a park”... “grab paperwork”... “open the car door”... “step towards the line of other folks”... etc etc etc until I was THERE! In the middle of it all... (mostly waiting...)...

Amazingly, I was motivated! I was proactive for the first time for something I wanted to do... Not something I needed to do! What a feeling of joy, even though I was still scared and lacked any resemblance of confidence at the time.

I recognized, besides our wedding and our relationship, most of our lives in 2020 was about things we had to do to survive... We needed to do these things... It was dictated to us because of outside influences... We couldn't prevent nor predict a lockdown! We couldn't fly the plane! We couldn't pack the container!

But what I did yesterday, that was 100% my choice, about something I wanted to do... And I followed through with it, the whole time fighting with myself just to give up.

I could say, the “interview” went OK. Much different than I expected. Unfortunately I can't actually tell you more about what I did... But if I can in the future, I promise I will.

After I did what I did (yesterday), in the process I've learnt how to overcome my fears (maybe not all of them, but enough to show me I'm processing things in the best way for me right now). Afterwards, I was on a high, I jumped in the car, cranked up the tunes and drove through the windy hills behind the Gold Coast with my heart on fire and a huge smile on my face.

Damn I felt alive, I felt good!

Even if I don't get the “job”, I've gotten somewhere personally.

Personal growth!

That was awesome! I have felt this way in the past, but not for a long while... This was exactly what I needed...

This is exactly what I wanted...

The point is, I felt like I was standing still, catching my breath, but maybe now I can start moving forward... I've broken the seal... I've opened a can of worms... I've hit the jackpot!! Well maybe not the jackpot, but you get my drift...

Small steps lead to big steps...

I also realize, even though I don't see my Doc anymore in Germany, I have a great support system in place... Between all 4 folks, they all offered something to help me along the way... Some of them didn't even know they were helping!

And damn, this blogging/journal/diary thing has been super helpful too... I'm learning that writing things down helps me process 'em... A bit like songwriting, but longer and on a much short time frame. My songs often take years to be heard, these blogs take hours...

Definitely sharing how I feel, what is happening in my life has been, and will continue to be, a big win for me.

I can't tell you if I'll tackle the next task the same, because the past week has taken a lot out of me, but what this experience has reminded me, when I want something, I am actually able to make it happen, and that's a good feeling.

Now for the big question “what do I want?”.

Thank you everyone.

Josh

[tobe-calm]

27/11/20

i should have been keeping a diary/journal entry two weeks ago.i guess i was just too lazy to act on writing one entry. work has been a big pain.

anyways,i had my second session of therapy today and it felt good.post-therapy sessions are always the best.it feels like donning on your comfiest sleepwear after a long day and heading to bed because heading to therapy feels like you're stripping yourself for either a freezing or burning hot shower.either way, you'll still feel good afterwards.

james, my counsellor/therapist, started off by asking on my general wellbeing for the past two weeks since we last saw each other.it took me a while to answer and i guess it was because it was not expecting that question at all.

then, we explored some of my areas of concerns during the time in between.

my constant feeling of being on guard - heightened anxiety for what if someone suddenly grabs me/touched me?

my lack of attention and interest in things that once brought me joy.

my lack of interactions with people around me.

james said a lot of things, but i'm worried that i might not be able to retain the whole of it. we covered:

PIES" - physical, intellectual, emotional and surrounding.

how to manage the "batteries" in each domain of PIES - through means of engaging less/more, depending on my needs.

how to make myself more pronounced while being in a room - changing the perspective of others to think that i am making time to be with them even when i do not want to.

PIES was easy to understand, but the idea of knowing how much to engage and disengage to balance out my domain energy might take me some time to understand and eventually, get used to.he gave me homework and told me that i would have to "think of an activity (that i enjoy doing) that could help me increase/balance my domain energy and implement it."

aka making plans without cancelling.at least that was what i assumed.

it's less than 24 hours since my session and i am already feeling anxious for the next.maybe i'll learn on ways to efficiently and effectively communicate with others.i'm looking forward to that.

today, i am feeling... hearty.

(how do i say this without sounding daunting/patronizing?) / my heartfelt gratitude and appreciation to those who dropped kind and wholesome messages, emails and DMs.as much as i try to not demand/ask for validation, it is nice to have someone acknowledging my efforts to being better.

i hope i am not being too much of a burden.

[zykjhrzqkn1h4m3xyine]

12/02/2019

So today we have big development as well.

So today Ema came to me and COE. Apparently the same thing that happened to me is happening to her. I really don't want that. We talked and stuff, she called Ameera a bitch. My first concern is her sitting with us, which I know deep in my heart is not I want to happen. So something I could do is, I'll leave COE, and hang out with Ema, and we can build a group of our own. What Ema talked about was during the swimming carnival, when GAE sat together, it was in a row, and it went from left to right: Gabby, Ema, Ameera. Ameera moved so she was next to Gabby so the new arrangement was Ameera, Gabby, Ema. And then Ameera put her head on Gabby's lap and they had a conversation all by themselves and excluding Ema. I want to talk more about what I've thought about to Ema, but at the same time I don't want to. Now I don't think the reason why she left in science was because of me, it was actually probably because Ameera and Gabby have the same subject together and she's thinking about how much she's missing out on. Poor Ema. They don't even realise when she's gone. She's in the exact same situation that I was in a couple months ago. I really want to know the answers to why Ameera treated me, Gabby and Ema like that. I won't take "Oh I didn't notice" as an answer I asked if Ameera talked trash about me at all, and email said no except for that one time where I cried in front of them, and I said that my therapist told me to move on. Apparently Ameera was really angry about that. She probably thought that they never abandoned me, but they did. That was the biggest event of that day. I wonder if Ema came to me because she thought I would understand it was it because of COE.

I just read my previous diary entries, and I realised that they don't have enough detail of what happened. I should really write more about how I feel. Ok so I'll expand on the email situation. I wonder if Gabby is realising this. During that lunch when she did that, they really shit talk Ameera a lot, but they didn't consider Gabby at all, they probably think that if Ameera was gone, Gabby would like them again, but that's not what's gonna happen at all, they really shit talked Ameera a lot, saying that she is toxic and poison, but that's too mean, I don't believe that. She's not like actively putting Ema down, but she might be actually. God I really just want to talk to either Gabby and Ameera right now and get talk seriously about why they're treating Ema like that. I wonder if what I did was the right call.

After table tennis, I saw Kristina, and as soon as I saw her. I'm pretty amazed I could do that, just without hesitation go up to someone who I don't often talk to. I went up to her, and just started talking to her, first asking about sport, she does archery. Then I asked about Ema, asking if she talks with her often. Kristina said yes. Perfect. So I asked her to invite Ema to sit with her during lunch and recess. She agreed. But she wanted more details, I was hesitant but I told her that Ema is going through the same thing I was, and that Ameera and Gabby were ignoring me hardcore to the point of me not existing. Kristina was really shocked, like she had no idea. When I left the school gates, I saw Emas parents, then I saw Ema, she had been crying. Oh god I wonder what happened during tennis. Do you think that Ema confronted them? I hope she didn't.

The reason I left them I could say was because I loved them too much, but that's lame and poetic. I should like a dumbass, but saying that they ignored me seems to be putting all the blame on them. I have so much dirt today.

I probably should talk about the lessons today as well. But only breifly okay?

The most notable event happened in civics. I'm really disappointed in my past diary entries. I hoped there would be more juice. But when I saw that I thought I was depressed, I thought "what an idiot." I really did feel like I was depressed though. I am just really confused about it. In my heart I wish I was depressed but I know I'm really stupid for wishing that, but people don't take me seriously unless I have depression. So I just feel dumb.

I'm at the library and my dad is picking me up. When I went to the bathroom, I noticed my face was super duper red as hell, I even put on sunscreen, what the hell. I put it on just as I was leaving school. I can't study today, because I don't have anything to study on. I forgot to pack my civics stuff, because I was too hung up on what subject 9carb was. Man I'm so stupid, I'll have to double check in the mornings now.

It was careers. But seriously, I was so red.

My hair looks wet, but that was probably the sunscreen. It feels soft though. I get red so easily ahh. My eyebrows look a lot better than the first photo I put up of myself. It's still a little sparse, but I'm proud of my progress.

Ok I'll talk about table tennis but first, the fact that I forgot to go to Strathfield library, ended up walking to Burwood.

I really hate the person I am when I'm around Ema.

[mayseven]

End of A Chapter

These past couple of weeks have been an absolute blur, which may explain the lack of posts lately. That honestly wasn’t meant to be an excuse; I’ve just genuinely had a lot going on in my life and haven’t had the motivation nor the interest to actually sit down and write about it. The primary reason why I’m writing right now is to just reflect on what’s been going on in my life and where I’m headed in the future.

I met with a professor today for coffee. Not the same professor I’ve mentioned before but a different one. He’s more of a mentor than a therapist. (Personally, I would consider a therapist more important than a mentor, but he’s done a lot for me so I cherish him and his opinions a lot.) This is our last meeting for the year and the last meeting I’m having with him before I move to the East Coast. As usual, I was incredibly anxious about meeting him and talking to him. I don’t know why, but even after years of knowing him and talking to him I’m still intimidated by him and get really nervous when I talk to him. Still, I’d invited him for coffee at a local coffee shop to talk one last time in person.

The conversation began as usual, giving life updates, asking about work, talking about graduate school, moving, etc. Then, for whatever reason, we started getting to really....academic subjects. (Academic in the sense that they’re related to what I plan on studying in graduate school.) And I got even more nervous talking about these topics because I felt like I had to know my stuff to prove that I’m a prepared graduate student. But it’s so tough talking to this professor about these things and pretending to be smart because he’s so well-versed in these topics. Admitting that I don’t understand what he’s talking about has always been difficult. Until today!

Today, I flat out said, “Honestly, everything you just said went over my head” and he said “Oh, okay!” and repeated everything, explaining it slowly along the way. Most of it still went over my head, but I was able to talk about it with him for a while. At the end, we had a short, awkward silence before I said, “How in the world do you come up with this stuff? Like why would you even think of this in the first place?” I mean, it was such a foreign topic to me and I was having such a hard time figuring out how one person could be so smart. For a minute, he sat there trying to come up with an answer. Then, he kind of just said “I don’t know, I just know what I prefer and what I enjoy thinking about and it just tends to be these things. I’m not sure why I prefer these topics and ideas, I just do. I don’t know much about colors, music, or people. But I know a lot about science and history. So those are the things I think about a lot and these ideas just come up.” And, for whatever reason, that just blew my mind. Obviously, it makes sense; certain people like certain subjects and stick to them. But it was such a simple answer! For such a long time I thought, there’s no way this guy can know so much about everything. But I’ve finally realized, hey, he doesn’t know much about everything. And that’s okay!

We started talking about why people prefer certain things after that before somehow getting to the subject of religion. Then we started talking about morality and the golden rule. He talked about what he refers to as “mathematical justice,” or the way he justifies how he interacts with others. He also recommended a book called A Theory of Justice by John Rawls that’s related to what we talked about. I definitely plan on reading at least some of it.

At the end of the conversation, he asked me to send him an email after I leave and get settled just to let him know how I’m doing. Normally, I’d get nervous and feel a bit of pressure; why would he want to know how I’m doing? Would he be disappointed if I told him I’m miserable and lonely and doing terribly? But after today I’ve realized that he’s just a normal human being. A normal human being who prefers coding on Python over R. A normal human being who knows very little about Hip Hop. A normal human being who questions what would happen to the world if we were able to convince alcoholics and smokers to stick to just marijuana. I’m slowly figuring out how his brain works and how he processes information, and that’s making him a lot less intimidating to me. So, yes, I’ll definitely keep him updated on my life. I’ll also continue asking him about his job and his project with the company he’s working for. Because that’s what you do with normal humans.

On a side note, this professor/mentor asked if I planned on keeping a blog while in school. At the time I figured, hm, it’s probably just something he’d done in school so he was just curious. But then I thought, hey, maybe it’s because he wants to know about my life. Know I’ve realized that it’d be an amazing idea to keep blog posts about what’s going on in my life. Or at least thorough diary entries, maybe not recounting each day of my life, but reflections on weeks of classes. Or, more appropriately, weeks of my life, not just classes. 

Anyway, this entire conversation after a very stressful couple of weeks was great. I wouldn’t say that I felt like I got closure necessarily. (Honestly, i didn’t really need closure; it’s not like I was going through a break-up or something). But it was a very nice way to end this chapter of my life. Onto the next one!

(Direct any questions, comments, concerns here pls thx xoxo)