#this area of psychology is literally some of the stuff I'm using to back my points

[commissionsdarian]

Sources:

Dr. Olivia Turner, PhD, Senior Researcher in Cognitive Neuroscience, Institute of Advanced Biomedical Sciences.

Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, Volume 28, Issue 4, Pages 589-602.

Abstract:

In this exploratory pursuit within cognitive neuroscience, Dr. Olivia Turner and her interdisciplinary team at the Institute of Advanced Biomedical Sciences present significant insights from the Cognitive Neurophysiology Speculation. Published in the Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, this research delves into theoretical neurophysiological adaptations resulting from speculative age reversal.

Findings suggest potential proclivities towards disengagement from conventional labor and subtle cognitive attenuation as mature neural paradigms grapple with a rejuvenated substrate. The study underscores that these implications are speculative, rooted in scientific conjecture, and should be interpreted cautiously.

Too much jargon, hope they were just presenting the findings to a proper board and not general public because even I was struggling reading that abstract

[vlerian-root]

PMDD + transitioning

I don't know how to write this in a more poetic manner, but I would like to put some words out of my head and into (virtual) paper. Being trans has saved my life

Quite literally! I have a medical condition called PMDD, that has been undiagnosed for 17 years. It is a neurological sensitivity to changes in levels of estrogen in the blood. There is documentation out there, don't believe anything that says "it's like bad pms". It has nothing to do with pms. This is your brain being "allergic" to you getting your period, and causing havoc on any and all brain functions - like a russian roulette! It can affect your mood (in a good and bad way, usually very extreme), leaving you suicidal, violent, nonverbal, manic... It can be very painful - and not just in your head, with the typical migraines that last for days, but also on the rest of your body, or localized areas. I used to not be able to move my legs for days at a time. "Just pms" my ass. It can affect your memory. Long and short term memory, some parts of mine are just gone. Erased. Not coming back. They are big chunks too. It can affect you psychologically, in all the fun flavors that can have, like paranoia, obsession, depression, hypomania, dissociation... This usually lasts up to 10 days and ends when you get your period. Which is a hell of its own, so I have lost half of my time for the last few years, when it started getting really bad. It only got diagnosed for me when my psychologist noticed a pattern of me getting really bad every month around the same time. He assumed I knew this. I did not. Nobody had every mentioned PMDD, I didn't know it existed.

But here is where we get to the good part. I was in medical psychological therapy for something unrelated (OCPD, a personality disorder, although most of the symptoms got really bad with PMDD), and the psychiatrist assigned to me is an expert in this matter. He talked to me about the research he had done, and the research I had done while obsessively browsing the internet for any morsel of info I could get. So far any medical treatments had been from ineffective to making things a lot worse, so I needed to talk to someone who knew their stuff. And he did! But we found that since this is your body being "allergic" to a thing it naturally produces, and will continue to produce for at least another 20ish years, the best treatment was to stop that cycle. I had tried this before with my gyno. This went terribly bad. Twice. Or rather, it went great for 3 months, then worse than ever after that, and it became the new normal. It was hell. I was at a point where I couldn't have any sort of normal life. Half the time I would make projects and live happily by myself, and the other half I needed help to even walk to the bathroom because my head was about to explode, my legs didn't work, I wanted to jump out of a window, and I forgot about all my deadlines. Oh, and the muscle spasms that looked almost like seizures. This shit had cost me 90% of my social life, all of my professional life, and was now simply trying to take my life.

BUT!!! Did you know that if you remove the ovaries, the estrogen blood levels stop rising and falling? Did you know that triggers premature menopause? Did you know that testosterone is a very effective treatment of the side effects of menopause?

That was my whole approach, and my brilliant psychiatrist agreed it was a good one. To this day, he has been the only person to not question this decision even if it's pretty radical. He's the only one that has understood there is no sense in asking someone whose brain is killing them from the inside "are you sure you want to do that? you won't be able to turn back!". I'm aware you can't put the ovaries back in. But they are. Killing me. Driving me insane. Please.

It took me ages to find a doctor that would even contemplate doing this (quite simple) surgery. Every single one of them used the "but you are a woman of childbearing age, I can't do this in good faith" argument. Or the "I don't know about PMDD so I think you are lying" covered in sugary lies approach. It was hell.

In the end, I have gotten the surgery. I no longer have overies. I'm writing this weeks after it, and I can assure whoever is reading this that I no longer suffer - or will suffer - from PMDD ever again. Writing that feels so liberating... The kicker is that I wouldn't have been able to access any of this if I wasn't trans. Because PMDD is so badly researched and documented that even the doctors that specialize in the organs it affects think it's "bad pms". I had to say "but I am a trans man, this is very dysphoric". Then, and only then, would they give me T. I am not a trans man, just transmasc. I wanted to get healthy before transitioning, because it's not very great to be in an unstable mental state to handle the tsunami of changes and their (sometimes social) repercussions that come with it. But irony of ironies, the cure for 90% of my health issues has been transitioning.

OCPD has gotten easier to manage thanks to the emotional resilience I got on T (and what my therapist taught me) No ovaries mean no periods, which means no spending up to 2 weeks each month with my brain self destructing. No more memory loss, no more pain, no more spasms, no more migraines!!! No more dreading the days before the next T dose in case the previous one is a little too short (this has sent me to the ER before). No more pregnancy risk. No more depression, no more low energy, no more low libido, no more bullshit!!!! I am ME, inside and out, forever!!!!! I haven't felt like this since I was 14, and I'm 32 now! This is insane to think about @_@ It sucks that I had to lie to some doctors to get where I am today. But if I hadn't, I don't even know if I'd be here. It wasn't that big of a lie anyways (I hope). Feels bad to me, because I hate lying, but... no, I think this one was ok.

TL;DR: I have PMDD, meaning my brain is allergic to estrogen, so you can kind of say I was allergic to being a woman, and transitioning has saved my life ♥

If you are still reading this, thank you. I'm very sleepy and this probably makes very little sense, but my dms are open to any questions.

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

Cabin in the woods really freaked me out so weirdly but I'm curious did Quaritch make Spider or Miles wear like baby clothes or use baby stuff like Idk the name but like something they put in baby's mouths to shut them up or like use diapers or something? Sorry ik this is weird

So I contemplated whether I wanted to answer this at all and decided to answer this bluntly while also giving you my respect and empathy. This question is very weird and uncomfortable for me. Anon I'm willing to bet that wasn't your intention so I will give you the befit of the doubt.

This question seems like an age play question to me (if that wasn't your intention I do apologize for putting words in your mouth). Age play between two consenting adults is one thing. It's personally not my thing but I would never judge consenting adults for partaking, because other adults lives are truly none of my business. I'm not writing a story about two consenting adults though. I wrote a story about a father and son. The things your asking about frankly cross a huge line for me.

Again I will give you the befit of the doubt and acknowledge that some of my wording choices mixed with ambiguity in other areas probably lead to you questioning this. There is a level of infantilization there but in my mind it was much more clinical if that makes sense. I was thinking of people who are bed bound for medical reasons and need assistance just to survive. From what I've seen and heard from patients like this it's demoralizing. They feel completely helpless. My intention was that Quaritch would be artificially creating this kind of demoralization, creating a situation where Spider would be utterly powerless, and he could step in as caretaker.

As for some of my wording choices I know there a line in there where Quaritch says something along the line of "i did all of this for you when you were a baby. there nothing for you to be ashamed of" or something like that. That was my easy way of explaining away the bathroom situation (which again I imagined it as strictly medical. from my understanding bed bound patients use a bed pan. I just felt gross writing that so I didn't.) but I guess I can understand how that can be interpreted differently. Word choice wise this is along the lines of things my parents have said to me. Like when your parents catch you in a vulnerable state, and you might be embarrassed but your parents are like "you've literally thrown up on me. There's nothing you can do that I'd find disgusting or embarrassing." That was my intention with that line.

I know I also use "baby boy" as a term of endearment a few times and that was honestly inspired by my dad, who kinda talks like Quaritch. My dad still calls my older brother baby boy from time to time and he's almost 31 so I didn't really think anything of it.

Clothing wise I did have a line in there about Spider being in a hospital gown, again keeping things strictly medical. There is definitely no baby stuff in that house at all.

Anon I don't want you to be ashamed of asking your question if it was asked with good intentions.

This next part goes out to any fan of my fic that might be reading this. The rise of Quaritch/Spider fan fics and art has really made me defensive particularly of Cabin in the Woods because I know that fic can be misconstrued. Cabin in the Woods in a psychological horror story and that is it. Shipping Quaritch/Spider or frankly any family members or minors with adults disgusts me to my core. I will never support it, tolerate it and I will most definitely never write it. If that is what someone is wanting please do not read my fic, and do not interact with me. I want none of it.

I've actively been writing more Cabin in the Woods, but the rise of Quaritch/Spider has majorly put me off of it. To the point where I contemplated not posting more at all even though I've got like 40 pages of story written. After a week of concentrating more on my other fic I just got back into writing Cabin in the Woods a few days ago but I am thinking about editing things out just to make it safer.

Again anon I dont want you to feel bad/guilty if you asked your question with good intentions and your not a Quaritch/Spider shipper. I'm really sorry if any of this seems like an attack on you personally, I promise you it is not. This little end rant is something that's been on my mind for a long time and like I said I've gotten really defensive over this fic due to recent events in the fandom.

[honeyhoneysdiary]

Compass event - School Flooding

23-2-24

The last two weeks have been...eventful! to say the least haha.

To start out with what is arguably the most important thing; the school flooded, and I was there to witness it.

Around two weeks ago, the day after the last entry, actually, this massive storm went over my area, and combining the heavy rain with the strong winds at the time, it created this mini cyclone that kind of destroyed a chunk of my hometown; Including teh school.

Honestly, something like this happened two years ago, when the roof caved in after a storm, but it was literally nowhere near this level of destruction; The storm destroyed half of the roof, carpets and overhead lights on the top floor, and put about twenty classrooms out of commission for the foreseeable future.

It all happened while I was in a period six psychology class after school on Tuesday, and everyone was freaking out about the rain they could see out the window; I kind of thought we were going to die too, but that wasn't the point. The rain got so bad, that the school had to declare it an actual emergency, and all of the students still on the premises had to report to the downstairs foyer to make sure we were all safe.

While that was happening, the upstairs floor was getting fucking demolished, and much to everyone's delight, my politics teacher was taking videos of it! It kind of looked like a swimming pool.

The worst part was that since they had to classify it as an emergency, we couldn't leave without a parent coming to pick us up, and we couldn't go upstairs to grab any of the stuff in our lockers.

My locker was upstairs, and in it were my housekeys (which i needed to get into my house.) and my phone, which I needed to call my parents about the emergency. Neither of my parents were in town anyway, so I had to plead to my year level coordinator about getting to walk home, which they finally let me do after they realized the rain wouldn't start up again for at least an hour. I swear, my politics teacher was like ten seconds away from giving me a lift home himself lmao.

My house was pretty much fine, but a tree landed on the part of the house where the powerlines meet the building, so once we got power back two days later, it kept cutting in and out until we propped the branch up a bit with a ladder.

Honestly, I was stressed out of my mind, but it was kind of fun.

My first SAC this year is either next Friday or next Tuesday; I'm not sure which, because my psych teacher hasn't organized it yet.

ALSO, the final dnd session of this campaign we've been running since I was twelve is tomorrow, and I'm so exited fgdhsj. I get to read out my characters last will and testament, because they died last session, and they get to come back as a demon or something in this session!

I'm a little worried, though, because dnd has been one of the only constants in my life since before I was a teenager, and it's been the thing I've latched onto for stability and warmth for years - I'm worried that I'm going to fall apart when it's over.

Some of the days realisations;

I need to study.

I should probably go for a walk or something; I haven't gone outside in a while.

I need to eat a vegetable.

That's all for the day! the week's been... fine! That's really all I can ask for!

-honey, <3

[glenandbrisketpowellsdogpack]

You know you're way into True Crime when you know you're own state's (Delaware) Infamous True Crime Events, Location They happened at

I actually learned this 20 years back, while I was beginning college and it was while under the Criminal Justice Degree. As I have said some of my favorite courses have been different Psychology Classes. I'm also a writer, I've had to get dirty while I dug for the research for writing purposes. Also for some strange reason, these things tend to come to find me, and not the other way around. I'll explain near the end.

On this day November 29th in 1987, Delaware had its first and at the time only known Serial Killer that was dubbed the I-40 Killer. Ironically, a year (1988) later, he was arrested on November 29th. He was later executed on March 14, 1992, charged with 2 of the 5 murders he had committed. His name was Steven Pennell.

Here's the irony: It's a 2 part explanation. "I Don't Go Find True Crime Stuff, It Comes To Find Me." In my own defense, these routes are actually the easiest and quickest way to get to where I work. Getting to have "True Crime Fan Girl moments" is only a Cherry on top perk. I Didn't Choose Where The Doggie Daycare/Dog Kennel Is Located. That Wasn't A Reason How Come I Took The Job Either. Where I currently work is located in Bear where Pennell was active and where the I-40 highway is located. Before I worked at a Doggie Caycare/Dog Kennel, I used to do Door Dash and Shipt. I always had food orders and grocery deliveries within the area. I also had a college class in New Castle and use to attend college in Wilmington, I've actually driven up I-40. This is where I had gotten Goose Bumps after I found out.

During December 2020, the Wilmington News Journal ran a 4-5 part story on Pennell, this is where I found out that I've actually delivered Door Dash Orders and Shipt Deliveries to the exact Neighborhood development where 2 of Pennell's victims had lived at the time of their disappearance/death. I even dropped off Shipt Deliveries in the same trailer/mobile home development he lived in. I've driven by the location where the first victim had been found so many times before. The same applies to the other locations where victims were found. Another location is literally down the road from where I work, he had left 2 victims at that spot. I drive this route almost daily, maybe it is a bit morbid, but it's not hard to think about it. It's just the first thing that pops into my mind when I drive pass. If you know the case details, sometimes you just go into that train of thought and think about it. Then again, it's also a Writer's Thing. Maybe it's a Writer's Inner CSI that's always on active duty.

Not Pennell related is right smack near my work but is homicide related is a known murder that happened in Lums Pond State Park in 1870 of a Run Away Teen Girl. It's also one of Delaware's Ghost Stories. Another Notorious Crime Scene I often drive past on my way to and from work is the hotel where Brian Peterson and Amy Grossberg's newborn baby homicide occurred on November 12, 1996.

You really can't miss it if you are driving down South 896 since this is the area where the University of Delaware Football Stadium is located, plus it's one of the routes used to get to where the college dorms are.

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

I had kind of an epiphany and I want to write it down before I forget.

I have two seemingly unrelated aspects of my personality. One is that I'm very offput by pretention and people who are full of themselves. The other is that I am incredibly harsh on people on the internet. Not like out loud or anything, I know my hatefulness is not something to share, it's a problem I have but I don't know how to fix. But I just came to the realization they come from the same place and are caused by my lack of self confidence I think?

As I write this it's actually becoming a lot less cohesive but I'm gonna try to write about it anyway. When I was in HS I really embraced my interests and let my freak flag fly. I was like in a full steampunk or goth outfit every day, I wore a corset almost every day, I made most of my clothes and I wore goggles on my head every day. I got a lot of stares, bullying (from both faculty and students), people laughing at me and pointing and taking cell phone pics. But literally none of that bothered me at the time. I told myself embarrassment was a choice and I just wasn't going to do it anymore. Anything I did I committed, no thoughts on what other people thought. I would do many things because I liked them, and many more because they were unlike other people regardless of my interests. I have a lot of mixed emotions about that time.

So the part of me that genuinely to the bone did not give a shit what other people thought was pretty great. But it came from a pretty unhealthy place too? Like I dedicated myself to that because I was 100% convinced by 14 that I was disgustingly ugly, no one would ever want to date me or marry me, I would never have even a single boyfriend and I should just try to seek my bliss alone. I thought if I've decided I'm an old maid and everything you do is to be attractive to people you want to date then who cares. Just do whatever. So like that doing whatever feeling, not being embarrassed about how I look, that's great. Getting there by just accepting that you are irrevocably ugly to the core no matter what forever probably still has some lasting psychological effects. My parents had my best interests at heart but they really fucked me up. When I was young if I got clothes that were too tight my dad wouldn't let me leave the house in them and tell my mom (I can't recall if he thought I couldn't hear or what) that I looked like a sausage and people couldn't see me like that. I remember being really, really young and not even allowed to try on the two piece because by 5 I was far too fat to show my stomach. I remember my mother telling me at 12 that perhaps I shouldn't get my hopes up about getting a prom date to my senior prom 5 years in the future. I remember my mother warning me that people would pretend to have a crush on me but they didn't and they would use that I believed them to ridicule me. I remember when she was right about that too.

God the bullying is coming back now. I remember walking up the bleachers to my friends and boys stomping their feet with every step I took, making it sound like an elephant was walking up the stairs. I remember being sent home every week to change because the faculty was tired of me "disrupting" class with my clothing. I remember hearing "oh my god look at her arms" and never wearing short sleeves in public for 5 years. I was dual enrolled in a community college at the time and even the college professor said don't wear stuff like that all grown ass men in that room area just staring at your 16 year old tits. I remember the yearbook page they mocked up of me to make fun of me. I wouldn't have even known about that one if I didn't have a friend in the class. I went to such a small school. I did not fit in.

I always thought this stuff was like water off a ducks back but I'm completely breaking down over here so obviously I'm not okay as I thought about it. That's not even why I'm making this post. Anyway

I went to college after that, grew a whole host of mental illnesses, realized the world is much larger, darker and more complicated than I thought. Had to drop out. Costed for a year or two and then started trying to work on my mental health in earnest this past year. I've lost all my confidence. I sometimes get a spurt but it's fleeting. I think I just lost my hubris, my facade of thick skin, and now I'm just the part that thinks I'm too ugly to love. When I see people post pictures of themselves online, especially if they think they look good, I eviscerate them in my mind. I don't do this to people irl. I'm assuming that the screen removes enough of the human element I feel comfortable thinking those things. I'm so critical, I'm so mean, I hate it and it's a intrusive thought I can't stop. I've had to unfollow people on here because the way they ferociously love themselves makes me so fucking angry.

I also hate it when people are loud, seek attention in any way or think they did well in something or think something about themselves is unique and special. Until now I thought this was just humility and that I've just been humbled so thoroughly in my life I just have a little more than your average person. But I realize now I'm just constantly telling myself nothing I like is interesting or unique, nothing I think is important or worth telling people about, nothing I've achieved is something to be proud of. Nothing about me is special, I've accomplished nothing, and I'm fine with that.

I don't consciously think these things to myself or anything, I don't feel like I have no self confidence, but I know deep down now that when I'm ripping people apart it isn't because I think they suck it's because I think I suck so hard and you aren't any better than me so I'll mentally take you down a peg.

Well this realization is kinda tearing me apart and idk what to do with it. I don't feel like I have no self confidence. I feel like I love myself but I'm not sure I do after all. Worst of all my "you're not special" feelings are kicking in and I keep thinking I'm being so dramatic and making shit up for attention. But I don't think I am I think I just have a problem. I have no idea how to build self confidence. The answer was not lose 50 lbs because that hasn't done jack shit. Fuck. I have a headache and 6 hours left on this shift. And I can't stop crying. Fml.

[terramythos]

TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 1 of 26

Title: Annihilation (The Southern Reach #1) (2014) - REREAD

Author: Jeff VanderMeer

Genre/Tags: Horror, Science Fiction, Ecological Horror, Cosmic Horror, Weird, First-Person, Unreliable Narrator, Female Protagonist

Rating: 10/10

Date Began: 1/01/2021

Date Finished: 1/05/2021

Along an isolated stretch of coast lies Area X, a pristine wilderness which appeared decades ago and decimated all human civilization within its borders. The only people to enter since have been official expeditions overseen by the mysterious Southern Reach. Annihilation follows the twelfth expedition, an all-female party of four including a psychologist, an anthropologist, a surveyor, and a biologist.

The biologist has a secret; her husband was a member of the doomed eleventh expedition. He returned a shell of his former self before being quarantined and suddenly dying of systemic cancer. She seeks answers for what happened to him. But after the party discovers a strange underground staircase with a manic sermon written along the wall, she soon finds herself infected by Area X itself.

I am walking forever on the path from the border to base camp. It is taking a long time, and I know it will take even longer to get back. There is no one with me. I am all by myself. The trees are not trees the birds are not birds and I am not me but just something that has been walking for a very long time... 

Full review, some spoilers, and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: graphic violence and gore. Lots (LOTS) of body horror. Some non graphic sexual content. Mind control/hypnotic suggestion is a plot point, but there's an implication it goes beyond that. There's a pervasive sense of unreality. 

Part of me wishes I could read this book, and series, for the first time again. Annihilation is a short read with a weird, disturbing horror story at its core. Area X feels vibrant and alive in creepy ways, and the mental effect it has on the few human characters is profound. It's basically a peaceful nature preserve, but there's something deeply unsettling about the state of decay, oddly aware creatures, pervasive sense of being watched, and how it twists the minds of the characters. The biologist's asocial view of the world colors how she interacts with the setting and the conclusions she draws about Area X, The Southern Reach, the Tower, the lighthouse, and everything in between. The result is an eerie story with a scientific, almost clinical narrator experiencing something beyond human understanding.

But only parts of the overall mystery surrounding Area X are solved in Annihilation; there is an explanation, there are enough hints to figure it out, but good fucking luck. You learn there's some kind of conspiracy and shady shit going on, and the biologist gets some things right... but also some things wrong. This is either infuriating or enough of a tease to encourage one to read the rest of the series (back in 2015, I was the latter). While Annihilation is self-contained, it leaves more questions than answers.

On a reread, everything is different. One thing I admire about VanderMeer is how he integrates hints and foreshadowing without making them too obvious; something I noticed with his Ambergris series as well. In Annihilation, some of this is thematic stuff that doesn't pay off until later books ("desolation tries to colonize you"). Sometimes the biologist draws the right conclusion for the wrong reasons (everything about the psychologist and how she seems burdened). Or some things are way more horrifying with later information (why the moaning creature is Like That even though the dolphins and other animals are almost normal).

Probably my favorite example, though, is eight pages in, the biologist mentions a weird vision she had. It's a throwaway line; just one of a dozen examples on how Area X affects the mind. With later knowledge, though, it's literally foreshadowing the biologist's fate in the final book, Acceptance. You can piece together later bits within Annihilation to see how significant this moment is, but I don't think most will. And there's just tons of stuff like that that doesn't come off as important, but is a little treat for anyone rereading the story.

I guess what I'm saying here is that as much as I like the base story of Annihilation, it's better in many ways on a reread. I wish I could remember my original impressions, because now they're inextricably affected by my knowledge of what happens later in the series. I know that the mystery of it all enthralled me, but I also know lots of people drop the first book due to a lack of concrete answers. If I were to read it again for the first time, who would I be?

Besides that, something I like about this book is the gradual dissemination of information. We start in the thick of Area X and the doomed twelfth expedition, but there are several sequences where the biologist will reflect on her past and her relationship to her husband, which add context to everything else. It's just a structural choice, but one I personally like; it makes her backstory relevant without detracting from the horror or killing the pacing. I like the glimpses of her “ordinary” life and how it juxtaposes/complements the bizarre nature of Area X. 

And the horror factor is just on point. VanderMeer really shines when writing horror because everything just feels... off. Something terrible is happening, but a lot of it is psychological or just out of reach. And when the creepiness is more overt (i.e meeting The Crawler), it's great, jarring cosmic horror.  Lighthouses are a special interest of mine, so I love seeing a horror story with one as a focal point (so to speak). I dig how Area X feels like a character in the story; the mark of a good setting, especially in horror.   

To me Annihilation is a comfort read despite being a disturbing horror story. I like seeing all the moving parts and knowing how it works, and it's a very short novel compared to Authority and Acceptance. I highly recommend this series if you're looking for a creepy, cerebral story which uses nature as the backbone for cosmic horror. For those who have seen the movie, it's a much different story with a similar tone, so if you wanted more... good news! Read the books! But they're also pretty weird and sometimes dense reads, so not for everyone.

I'll be rereading Authority next, which I remember is longer with slower pacing. Let's see how it goes!   

[not-poignant]

hi pia! I really enjoyed your post about media being naturally problematic and the how people should generally approach accessing works which include taboo subjects. I would love to take a media studies class to learn about this more in depth, but I'm literally about to graduate and have no room for extra classes in my schedule lol; are there any books/journals that you'd recommend I read on the topic? xoxo

Hi anon!

I’ve been thinking of how to answer this since I read it because it’s complicated mostly by the fact that I was at university in the late 90s, early 00s, so all the sources and stuff I had back then are outdated. Therefore I wouldn’t recommend any of those textbooks now, even though many of them are very good. It also means I don’t have any like, online vlogs or similar, though good ones exist.

However, there are still great books being written on the subject with updated evidence and sources, and I cite these myself on a semi-regular basis when I’m writing on these subjects.

Really the first book I’d recommend to everyone who wants to know about the phenomenon of normalisation - especially how we now know that ‘normalising content *in fiction* does not equal normalising it *in reality*’ is Moral Combat: Why the War on Violent Video Games is Wrong by Christopher Ferguson and Patrick Markey. That goes into some detail describing that after many lengthy tests and interviews, they discovered that people became desentised to video game violence (sometimes you will see ‘desensitised’ used instead of ‘normalised’ because the latter is more complicated) if they played video games with excessive, exploitative ‘violence for fun’, but that they were still as, if not more, sensitised to violence in reality. In fact, some people were more compassionate to those that had experienced violence in reality, than compared to a standardised ‘average’ control group.

This suggested something very radical, which was, basically, that when we normalise or desensitise people to something horrific and illegal in fiction, instead of seeing people behave the same way to those horrific and illegal things in reality, we actually see the opposite. They may actually become more sensitive and more appropriately responsive to those things happening in reality. There’s a lot of scope to do more research in this area. Desensitisation in fiction when it comes to violence and sexual violence is a really interesting phenomenon. I prefer the term desensitisation myself, but I use the term normalisation in my posts since that’s what most people in fandom are (almost always incorrectly) using.

There are no - to my knowledge - classes on ‘desensitisation in mass media.’ It’s actually embedded into the entire landscape of the learning. It’s also worth looking into psychology, because this is an area where ‘taboo fantasies that people have and is that okay’ has been studied a great deal. There are actually great therapists and psychologists on Twitter and Youtube who talk about controversial and taboo content in fiction and why it’s fine to engage with if you’re forewarned and enjoy it. That’s definitely another area of study.

Generally speaking, the only psychologists, doctors and media specialists who speak out against this stuff as though it’s evil are almost always: evangelist puritanical fundamentalist Christians, TERF/SWERFs and extreme far-right folk who believe that women and queer folk shouldn’t be allowed to exist let alone have sexual fantasies let alone have sexual fantasies about like, overtly or pre-designated problematic stuff.

Re: All media being problematic, that’s just...a byproduct of it being made by human beings who are never perfect, flawless individuals. And then also the fact that intersectional issues literally mean that ‘what helps this person may very well hurt another.’

I encounter this the most actually in disability circles, where you can literally see very quickly that sometimes things that are absolutely crucial for one person are horrible for someone else (see the fact that visual impairments and different manifestations of illness mean some people get migraines from light screens, and some people get migraines from dark screens, and some people get migraines from high contrast and some people get them from low contrast - you will never make a single screen that will help everyone, therefore, you will always be hurting someone no matter what your design, unless you offer 100+ design options, and even then if it’s still on a screen, it will hurt someone (some people can’t look at screens at all). Therefore, by the thing’s very nature, it becomes problematic, at least for the person it’s hurting. And that’s why all media (and everything else) has problematic aspects lol).

[ziracona]

Sorry if this has been asked before but, I'm really curious about how you would have written Max in the story if he were to be there? He's one of my personal favorite characters and finding redemption stories about him is kinda hard (You have no idea how happy I was when I read Claudette threw him a scarf to stay warm, like yes please; he's a feral child in a killer's body, but please stay warm)

I don’t think I have been, and no problem!

If Max had had a larger role in ILM, I am not 100% sure how I’d have written his perosnality, since I haven’t had to do it yet in-depth, but I know he’d be very angry and both defensive and aggressive towards everything, warry, skittish, hostile. Not bad necessarily, but humans will raise hackles and be ready to lash out and bite if they’ve all they’ve ever known is abuse the same way a mistreated cat or dog would, or like, most any living thing. I think he’s very lonely and unloved, and it’s hard for humans to survive without positive contact and affirmation and physical affection. I mean, if we’re left alone totally, we literally just die. But since his only experience with humans—and his parents/the people who should have loved him most no less—was nothing but danger and abuse and isolation and imprisonment, I think it’d be very hard for him to be approached. Not at all impossible, but man, it is really, really hard to convince someone who’s been through torrential rains of abuse that there’s something else to be given.

I do have ideas on how you could get through, but let me think about personality first. Well, aside from aggressive, defensive, skittish, warry, and hostile, like inborn traits to go along with learned, I think he is a very volatile person. He must be enduring and strong to survive what he did and live, and so determined and tenacious. —Oh! Hang on, big one before I forget. So, I am not a forefront authority in Disability as it relates to narrative, but I know quite a bit and was lucky enough to have a professor whose central areas were Disability, Horror, and Disability in Horror. I don’t know who exactly popularized the idea of Max as having basically a child’s mind in an adult’s killer body, though I think I’ve been told it was one person or story? Maybe it was just a big fandom take. But that’s one of the most prevailing and harmful disability stereotypes, especially for mental disabilities, and horror is a massive offender in general with both disabilities and disorders, and we need to do better & listen to the communities themselves more. I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all—I don’t even know if you meant ‘feral child in a killer’s body’ that way, or meant like, ‘this feral man in a killer’s body is my child TuT’—which is a totally different statement—and even with the former, I know people have had that idea of Max super popularized and are inundated with it, and most people I think just don’t know it’s a very harmful and prevalent stereotype period—I didn’t until I was in my 20s. But I think it’s important to bring attention to it when it’s brought up. Many of the bad things done to people with disabilities come from treating them as not fully actualized humans (I guess I should say ‘us’), and some of those ways are easy to spot, because they’re cruel, and some are harder, because they seem positive. The ‘child mind in an adult body’ is a huge one for disabilities that doesn’t seem awful at first glance, but actually is a huge problem. Unfortunately, human children also get treated by and large as not fully realized humans (as in autonomous & worthy of respect and self-determination—obvs there are some differences that are important, but a child is still an entire ass human & should be respected as such). The painting a physically and mentally disabled character as childlike or mentally trapped as a child is used to control and take autonomy and gravity from our opinions and lives. It’s also just like, not accurate. But the biggest thing is that it takes agency from individuals and paints them as less intelligent, less capable of wanting or pursing more ‘adult’ things [such as jobs or sex or protesting for their rights or having informed opinions on current events and doing something about it], and tries to paint that permanent, life-long dehumanization as a positive thing by making it cute or innofenssive at first glance. While still discounting disabled as kids, passing off autonomy and decisions to their caregivers, and ignoring our status as equal and actualized individuals. Stunted learning or growth or different ways of speaking, moving, and limitations understanding certain things don’t actually make disabled people like children. They’re just adults who sometimes have some very different ways of speaking or thinking or seeming or being. But it’s super important that we’re still adults and like, have the actualized self of adults, even if our speech patterns seem weird. There’s a huge and extremely important difference between an adult with social hangups around sensitive areas and social norms, and being a child. If you didn’t know any of that, don’t feel too bad, again like, people who aren’t disabled almost never talk about disability theory or issues, and I didn’t know this till I was in my 20s. But I feel really bad for Max and bad about how he is usually characterized, so it is important to bring this up.

Okay! That all said, I think personality wise, Max would be really fun to write. Because you have two levels—you have the taught things—fear, aggression, etc, and his inborn perosnality. There is very little canon about Max, but we know he never left home after freeing himself, he steals clothes from scarecrows or whatever he can find, and he’s probably in his early 20s or maybe to his mid 20s now. Since he never left home, I’d think he’s probably a little more cautious and anctious by nature, even with all that rage. I think he’d be sentimental if he ever was given something to love. He must have attachment to things pretty easily, and would I think have liked people a lot because of that, if life had been different. Would have been a shy but friendly and hopeful farm boy. Now, he’s kind of a broken mess, sadly. He’s had it super pounded in by family he is worthless and horrific and disgusting and a monster and an abomination, so I think he expects all humans to take one look and violently feel the same towards him. Taught humans are cruel, and he isn’t safe with them, and the only thing that will stop them and protect himself is unchecked aggression.

So, when it comes to like, getting close enough to him to redeem him, it’s rough, because again, he’d be very very aggressive. I mean, even after killing his parents, he mutilated the animals on the farm in rage, and continued to viciously hurt and then kill anything living he could find on the farm, so he’s got a lot of danger, and he really leaned into violence to protect himself. It’s what he knows now. I think he’s still lonely — like, so lonely he’s sick with it — but unlike Anna and Michael, he’s never known love, so I don’t think he’s even aware of that, and it’s on a pretty subconscious level. Plus, he has even less understanding of human communication and rules and gestures than the other feral killers, so it’d be really hard to get through to him. I think about the only plausible way is really, really, really fuckin slowly, through repeated gifts and kindnesses for no reason (like Claude with the scarf but every day for three years)—the same way you’d try to get through to a feral cat, since like other living things, humans also are wary and mistrustful when hurt, but can be socialized into new situations and do have a pretty set list of gifts and actions we appreciate. I mean, if I was feral, I would start to soften if repeatedly left chocolates and big warm coats and picture books to look at, pretty rocks. I have a crow heart.... >.> Or, the much more likely option, you’d have to catch him or find him captured and helpless, and then be kind instead of doing anything bad at all, and help him for a somewhat extended period of time, nurse him back to health or such, so he’d be forced to actually realize this person isn’t trying to hurt him—they’re trying to help.

I think Max would get less hostile slowly and cautiously because like, if you’ve ever been horribly abused you know you’re afraid to be hurt again. But also, if you’re alone, there’s a battle between wanting some kind of constact and love, and the fear of trying to trust someone only to be brutally torn up again and cast aside. It’s a painful place to be. But I think once he made it over that initial trust hurdle, and could bring himself to stop shuddering at a touch and to believe the person helping him was just trying to give him food, not poison or something to choke on, he’d be absolutely overcome, becuase if you’ve never been shown kindness and then are, overwhelmingly, it’s really hard to process. There’s a lot of psychology stuff about how we form our understandings and processing of each other and the world that I’m not gonna go into much bc convoluted, but it’d be like the opposite weirdly of a Just World break. The realization some things are less awful than your cemented life understanding structure. It would feel wrong and be hard to process (and rewireing a brain takes some time), but he’s been so alone for so long, I think the longing for people would get through, and he would cautiously start to trust and be just bowled over and kind of intimidated by the strength of like, the love and affection and gratitude and belonging he’d start to feel. I think he’d be afraid, becuase it’s not how life is meant to go, and jumpy, but he’d also just be lost to the happiness of actually having some kind of positive human connection, and become fiercely protective of whoever (or whichever people) was/were helping him. Got something he doesn’t want to lose now.

He’s young, so he’s going to still be figuring stuff out, and he had an awful upbringing, so lots of confusion and anger and un-learning too, but I’m really glad you liked that scene!! 😭 and that you like Max too, because he needs more love. I like him a lot too, that’s why he ends up with an undetermined fate instead of, like, dead in ILM. I’d like to give him a fully story role sometime, when there’s more space for it. He’s such a complex and unfortunate guy, he deserves a chance to grow more right and find people who are different and have a better future. TuT. It ain’t fair how his life was.

[mentalillnessmouse]

(p1) Hi, I'm writing because I feel there is no hope for me. I'm 30, I live at home where I get verbally mistreated (it was physical when I was younger.) I'm morbidly obese, agoraphobic, I literally didn't leave the house for a 2 year period and still rarely do. I have 0 friends and never had any except a few online ones who ditched me years ago. I was bullied constantly. I have self-harm marks all over my arms. I've NEVER had a job, or finished high school. I still almost never leave the house.

(p2) I’ve asked for help to learn to drive, but they tell me I can’t. I guess because they call me autistic and tell me I am not very smart and make jokes about me having ADHD. I took those comments seriously and they told me I was “looking for problems.” WHAT? I made the mistake of speaking with a few psychiatrists about it who shut me down because, in their words, I didn’t “look” like I had those issues. And that my parents had hard jobs so it made sense they would lash out at me. 

(p3) I deal with other issues too like menorrhagia. A doctor had me do an ultrasound (this was like my 3rd one since ‘06) and sent me to a specialist because they saw something. The specialist said she didn’t think anything was there and wasn’t going to actually examine me. I gave up. I’m afraid to speak up for myself, I genuinely don’t understand how to live, make friends, talk to people. I feel like I just have TOO MANY issues. And at my age I don’t see why anyone would bother with me anymore.

(p4) I have an appt with a psych at the same place as the others because I have my city’s free insurance and nowhere else to go. I don’t know if I can do it again after this? I just wanted somewhere to reach out at least one more time :( I’ve reached out to others (like extended family) who will talk to me for a bit then ignore? I can’t help but to feel damaged or like I’m doing something wrong I can’t figure out. I feel like a weak loser and I didn’t try good enough.I’m sorry this is so long

Hello Anon, 

I’m mod Bee and I’ll do my best to help you out, but I received help myself from the other mods to write you back. So this is a communal effort!

Thank you for reaching out, and I’m sorry you’re going though such a difficult and distressing situation. You sound strong and tenacious, and I’m proud of you for the way you keep trying to improve your life. 

We have some suggestions that we hope can be of help. They’ll concerne:

finding online communities/groups to hang out with

finding a professional that suits your needs 

looking for courses you can join 

thinking about possible job options 

Just an head up: this is going to be long, and it will contain tons of links. I’ll highlight one - that I think it’s most useful - for each section, but I suggest you to go through them all. 

1. finding online communities/groups to hang out with

Having friends is important for our mental health, but it can get difficult to make new ones, especially when we’ve been burned before.  

Online communities, forums, and groups, can be good places to start looking for friends again. You can approach them with as much caution as you need, and find those people you relate with the most.

If you like games, and rpgs in particular, there are online options that allow you to connect with other others all over the world. Activities like Dungeon&Dragons are based around players’ interactions, so you’d get to know people without putting the stress on forging new friendships. The article 10 Best Online Chat Rooms & Games suggests other equally fitting games. 

Forums and groups where you can share your experience and fears are another important tool you can use. I’ve looked into active ones and found Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia Forum, r/Agoraphobia/ (on reddit), bus (a self-harm support forum), Mental health support group and discussion community, Online Support Groups by Turn2Me, PsychForums (Psychology and Mental Health Forums), and the ReachOut app.

Trying with pen pals - a one on one exchange - could also be a good idea: InterPals and PenPalWorld are only two of the many websites dedicated to this purpose. Here’s some tips on how it works.

Finally, there are apps with the specific purpose of finding new friends, like Bumble BFF. Try to see if you there’s one of your liking in this list.

2. finding a professional that suits your needs

We usually recommend what it’s colloquially called “psychiatrist/therapist shopping”, the act of choosing a professional after inquiring what we need to know of their line of work, based on our own wishes, and asking this to more than one.

It’s difficult when insurance covers just a little portion of professionals, but not impossible. 

Can’t afford therapy? No insurance? Need low cost options? Here is a great list of ways to get help when money or insurance is an issue.

Therapy For Every Budget: How To Access It

9 Ways to Get Free or Cheap Therapy When You Don’t Have Health Insurance

Dial 211 for Essential Community Services: if you call 211, you can ask about free therapy options in your area, or how to work with you insurance to afford other professionals.

If none of these options work out, and you have to stick with the professional your insurance provides, there are measures you can take that might help making the sessions successful. Check out 21 Tips for getting the most out of each therapy session and How to Talk to Your Doctors When They Don’t Listen. 

If your new psychiatrist tries to dismiss you without hearing everything that you have to say, insist that they write on your record exactly what they did and why, and that you absolutely want a copy of it before you exit their room. It’s your right to have both your requests accomplished. I know it’s not easy to have them respected: you’ll probably have to stand your ground and that can be difficult, but I think it’s important for you and fundamental for what you can get out of this session. This is a post with links to various module you can complete to help you assert yourself, which I suggest you to start before going to your appointment, if you can. It can be useful to face your family, too.

Does your insurance cover a different specialist for the gynecological problem your doctor wanted you to check out? Is there any free or low-cost clinic near you, like Planned Parenthood or Free Clinic? You can inquire about their services through email.

3. looking for courses you can join

Online courses can be helpful for a number of things, like keeping busy, learning new stuff, feeling accomplished, and possibly getting some qualifications. 

There are some free options that end with a proper certificate, but not all are accredited, meaning that they’re not automatically accepted by employers (they can choose to consider them valid or not). Still, there are no downsides in joining such a course, seeing that it doesn’t cost anything but your time.

Not accredited certificates/no certificates:

Alison’s Diploma Courses and Certificate Courses 

FutureLearn doesn’t grant you certificates with their free courses, but it still provides learning access

edX’s Courses

Udemi, not free but it offers up to 90% discounts generally once a month

Learn how to code, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn coding

Free Online Language Courses, a masterpost that lists different courses to learn languages  

24 Invaluable Skills To Learn For Free

Accredited certificates

coursera offers some free courses, and/or the possibility to apply for financial aid

Online Degree require no tuition, no applications, and no interviews, and has worked so participating Universities around the country will consider the courses for credit, potentially finishing up to an entire freshman year of college

edX’s Professional Certificate Programs are not free, but edX offers up to a 90% discount to those who prove they cannot pay a full price.

University Of The People is tuition-free, which means there is no charge for teaching or instruction, only initial fees (around 160$) for each course. You can also apply for scholarships.

on StudyPortal - Scholarships, you can find a huge number of scholarships available in your country, and here you can find the easiest scholarships to apply to. There are also scholarships for online courses.

There’s also the possibility of completing high school through virtual courses, and if they’re organized by your State’s public school system, they should be free. You can find more info on this here. 

4. thinking about possible job options

Working towards finding a job is important for our own self-worth and feeling like a valuable member of society, and of course it can also help with looking for better therapy. 

It can be tricky when mental and physical illnesses are at play, though. That’s why I’d like to give you some online options here, too, that don’t ask for any particular prerequisite, and would give you enough free time to focus to get better. Jobs like data entry or app testing are doable from home, and may not pay much, but they’d allow you to start building some savings. 

5 Online Jobs That Require Little or No Experience

No Experience? Start One of These Online Jobs

Best Data Entry Jobs From Home

10 (Legit) Data Entry Jobs from Home

Work At Home Data Entry on Indeed.com

FlexJobs

Glassdoor

Whatever you choose, creating a strong resume is always a good step. I’m giving you some resources on how to do that:

How to Create a Professional Resume

How To Make A Resume 101

Help Everyone Find A Job In Their Field

And between checking out all these options we gave you, please try to do some of this Workout For Daily Life, because focusing on a screen for too long can cause so many aches!

You’re not a loser, you’re strong and you keep fighting for yourself, which is admirable. I hope these resources can be of help, and please do send another ask if you need anything else.

Take care,

mod Bee

[butyouvealwaysbeenthecaretaker]

Not to be spiritual on main, but we met in a really weird way - at the other side of the country, by chance at 4am, but we live less than fifteen minutes away. He verbally told us his address, which I committed to memory, and when we got home we went over and knocked. He was very isolated & in a bad rut after a run of horrible life shit, and we didn't know anyone else in literally the entire country. The first time we hang out, he's about to move house, trying to physically as well as psychologically move on. But he has these local spiritual commitments he can't break, so he impulsively hands them over to me and my husband; and we exchange gifts, it feels very ancient, but very proper too. And his housemate says, "see, you were Meant to meet these people, because now it means you can move out of the area". It did feel rather neat and convenient. And after I came out, the housemate also said "you see, there's so much more to the world than you've known previously; there are always new ways to grow/evolve as a person; you've been sat here depressed thinking it's all over for you, but here's a surprising and novel thing, old dogs are going to have to learn new tricks, and it's going to be the first of many new things which can happen for you". The housemate has gone, but now there's this. I tend to lean in to synchronicity when it's pleasurable. I don't believe in fate in a dogmatic way, but when you meet someone by chance who needs to move on, you can pooh pooh it, or you can buy into the magic of being bequeathed a spiritual commitment by an elder, whom you were Meant to meet, because there's old magic in that, deep craft. I haven't thought about the housemate for a long time, especially not her amusement at her crotchety old friend being confronted with queer issues out of the blue. But now there's this, and her words have rather come back to me. Like, I think there is/or there can be a connection between what I represent as a gendered person, and some of the new concepts my friend is going to have to navigate to find a framework which makes him feel ok. So like, idk maybe that's Meant To Be as well. My spirituality has always been a place where I've felt good with my own gender stuff, quite uniquely ok; I'm not sure why. So, despite not really enjoying a lot of the "being trans is awesome and radical!" concepts one finds in activism, I am surprisingly ok with leaning in to transsexuality as mystic experience. Not even ideologically. I mean, when I'm in a spiritual headspace, I just feel better about my body, my gender, and transition generally, so there's an opportunity I can build on towards self love. I'll take what I can get. (But maybe I a shouldn't be seeing my Self as someone else's learning experience, or building my self confidence in the context of someone's misfortune, or thinking about my presentation in terms of how it can be a help to others. I guess I find the idea that, rather than being a fucking mistake, I'm actually a Sacred Avatar Of Gendered Power; something that was Always Meant To Be As It Is, rather than a defective imitation of a woman or man; and that it has a Purpose, that I am not on the outskirts of the world but a fundamental part of it, someone who has been Sent, who has Value - I guess I find this rather comforting.)

[em-be-lievable]

Hey Em? Do you have any advice of plants or stones that I can bring into my house for more calming or encouraging/positive energy? Season depression is starting to kick my ass and I'm trying to find some little things to fight back. (I'm working on exercise and getting out more but I need some things for the home space.)

Sorry it took so long for me to get to this message sweetheart!! I do have a few hot witchy tips for combating that good ole’ pumpkin spiced seasonal depression XP

First things first: Get rid of any dust or grime in the area you spend the most time in ^^ Doing things like de-cluttering, washing your sheets, ect ect are actually psychologically beneficial, and us witchy folk have this belief that dust and grim collects excess negative energy and stores it around your space. So get rid of that junk!

Next: Really having any plants growing around brings good energy! They’re a great way to liven up the place (because we associate blue and green with being awake and alert in our brain) and in a spiritual sense they absorb negative energy and release positive energy!

While I do have an EXTENSIVE list of plants that could help- most of them are herbs and flowers that require lots of sunlight, and since it’s the winter season those aren’t likely to be found growing- my current plant recommendations for people dealing with depression are succulents and Aloe! Succulents are so low maintenance they don’t even need direct sunlight or water for days. They thrive off being left alone and basically chilling wherever you put them (plus they can be really pretty!!) Spiritually they’re said to bring love and abundance to you, and even energize your soul! Aloe is a naturally healing plant that can also often be left to its own devices for a long time. Spiritually, aloe is for luck and protection ^^

Other dried herbs that are good for depression are: Chamomile, Lavender, Ginseg, Vervain, and Saint John’s Wart- you can find incense with these in them pretty commonly, or even find oils and put them in one of those funky lil room humidifiers! Otherwise, if you’re lazy like me, you can get candles in the scents, or room sprays at places like Tuesday Morning, Marshals, Target, and Walmart ^^ Even if you’re not down with the witchy stuff- aromatherapy can actually play a very great role in changing your mood and creating some internal peace!

and now, for my favorite part: THEM SPARKLY ROCKS

I’m a huge crystal enby myself. I love me them shiny stones to just have around and elevate the place. I don’t have much science behind this part, other than the aesthetics they bring lets the decor just shine XD Whether you believe in the spiritual aspect of them or not, crystals make fantastic home decor.

SO, MY RECOMMENDATIONS!

Clear quartz is just a catch-all be-all of purifying! She’s basically a minute man who does whatever you want her to, but is primarily used in purifying a space!

Her sister, Smoky quartz is also a really good for refocusing, and re-energizing!

Black Tourmaline is kinda like a ‘blocker’ from people and things trying to suck the energy and life out of you! I actually keep a lil chunk in my wallet and carry it around with me to kinda keep the bad vibes out of my life

Her nonbinary twin, Jet, is a purge type who just banishes the sh!t out of negativity and toxicity. They live for reliving tension.

They’re cousin Obsidian is take-no-sh!t trans boy who is used for cutting negative patterns, habits, and people out of your life.

Rose quartz is the (unsurprisingly) hippy aunt who always dotes on you. She’s all about living life and bringing in the self-love, friendships, and caring vibes into your space.

My girl Amber is your aesthetic blog lesbian who is literally here to combat seasonal depression. Literally, she’s here to bring the light in for these dark months.

Her brother sunstone is also here for those struggling with vitamin D deficiency- just, it’s in the name. “Sun stone”

OUR HOMEGIRL GARNET IS HERE TO KICK BUTT AND TAKE NAMES!!! This is the 'get sh!t done’ stone. She’s coming to break those artist/writer blocks and let the moving forward commence. She’s BA and I love her. I wear her around my neck a lot.

Last but not least! Danburite is my shy demiboy who is here for the hard times. He’s coming with the shoulder to cry on and a hot mug of tea to help you out of those dark, depressive spirals. He’s endlessly supportive and loves to be there for you. We all have a friend in Danburite.

And just a lil extra smthn: If you want a little extra punkle pick-me-up: I can’t not talk about my lovely citrine. She’s my birthstone, and the breather of passion and creativity back into these dark days. She and I are always here to give you a hug and encourage you in your endeavors!!

And that’s all I got (okay not actually, but this is turning into a novel, and I could literally talk about crystals until the air flies out of my lungs.) I hope this helps somewhat my darling!! Good luck with the season, and no matter what- Punkle’s always here for you!! ♡♡♡

[thistherapylife]

I know your mother had untreated BPD & that for awhile you had trouble interacting with people with BPD as a result & it was something you were afraid you wouldn't be able to work with. I'm curious how you got past that. I'm very open about the fact that I have BPD but have found that a lot of people will assume things about me because of it and I've had a couple friendships fall apart because of friends whose parents had untreated BPD. It's frustrating and hurtful because I'm in treatment (z 1)

& dealing with my issues. I highly value self-improvement. I actually find that it seems like I’m working harder on myself than many of the people who are judging me for my disorder. I really believe that speaking openly about mental health is how we remove stigma in the long-run. But in the short-term, I’m finding that people aren’t giving me the benefit of the doubt & are assuming things about me that just aren’t true. I’m wondering how you got past that, so I could get some insight? Thanks!

Oh boy. First, I think it’s very admirable that you are seeking help. It’s hard! And a that’s a lot. 

Chances are you are not going to like my answer. Because you are asking about the personal, I’m asking in the personal. Not in the professional world. Clinically, I was afraid I’d have too much counter transference and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to  separate my personal experience from my professional self. My answer might be hard to read. It contains explicit descriptions of child abuse and suicidal ideation. Again this is the time to get off the ride if you you are in a place where negative experiences with someone with untreated BPD or child abuse. Chances are I’m going to get a lot of hate mail (note: I’ll just delete it) but I hope that this random response is helpful. It makes me nervous to share all of this. It’s not easy for me but I’m trying.

It wasn’t a while. It was decades. Literally, I’ve made this shift in last 3-4 years. It’s new. If someone in my social circle disclosed they had BPD before we come friends, I don’t know if I would stick around which is the exact issue you are dealing with. I would have to overcome a lot of my own responses and it’s a fuck ton of work for me. 

Would my mom have been abusive if she hadn’t had BPD? I can’t answer that. I don’t know. But I know the two are entwined for her. The abusive elements of my childhood that have stuck with me the longest are all around the more typical symptoms of  BPD (fear of abandonment, feelings of emptiness, extreme emotional swings, explosive anger, paranoia, suicidality). I can’t express how bad it was. I can’t express how hard it is was. I couldn’t have emotions or desires. I can’t get comfort or have needs. {Proofreading this made me realize I slipped tenses. I’m leaving it in. It’s hard to talk about it} I wished for death early and often because my life was so painful and frightening. I felt like my mom was going to die and that it was my fault. Why wouldn’t I believe my mom right?  Her attitude and her interactions with me meant that other abuse wasn’t uncovered for years because who could I tell? It was chaotic and terrifying. I’d take her when she was hit me any day over years of psychological abuse. She’s threaten suicide. She left me places as punishment. She drove away when I “didn’t listen.” She told me my chronic pain didn’t exist.

Literally, I remember having a panic attack when I was in elementary school because I couldn’t stop myself from crying on the way home from school because there was no way for me to know what would happen. Would my mom blame me? Try and kill herself? Comfort me only to use the information later against? I got blamed for freezing her out and told that I could “Make your own damn food. I should make you walk home. You don’t know how lucky you have it. You know what? DON’T EVER COME TO ME FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. I can’t believe I have such an ungrateful daughter. What did I ever do to deserve this awful child? You’d be happy if I killed myself. I don’t want to hear your response - I know how you feel. Leave me alone. Go live with your father”  By the morning, she greeted me like nothing had happened. I was no more than 10.

This is the smallest snippet of the first 14 years of my life. When I am in a social setting and start experiencing any of these things, my instinct is to run for the hills because I got out. I’m not getting back in. It takes a lot to swallow those protective instincts and make a different choice in my personal life especially when I’ve worked so hard for those boundaries and have to do a lot of this stuff professionally. I’ve had a ton of therapy. I feel like I’m a pretty good person who had long lasting, nurturing and loving relationships in a lot of different areas. But getting here was so much fucking work thanks to my history. I spent the first year of my relationship terrified to tell my partner when I was really upset with them. It’s still hard. 

Off the top of my head, I have three friends with BPD, one I’ve known since I was 12, one I met two years ago and an online friend part of larger friend circle. I’m pretty close to the first (invites to the house, lunches, etc.) and the second is in between acquaintance and friend. Friend 1 is in recovery, Friend 2 is working on it (ish) and Friend 3 is at the earliest treatment stages. I still have very strong boundaries. I have to limit myself with anyone in my social circle who needs constant emotional or physical needs (obviously I’m not talking about recovering from a loss or a surgery or even a bad year for friends who have I been friends with for a long) because I can’t just give and give - Its work to maintain the close and loving friendships, the mentoring with young people I do, the other kids in my life, my partner AND still take care of myself. And I love my job you know? I have to have space for that and I don’t when I’m getting 3 am phone calls and texts. I don’t hate or judge the folks in those positions. I just can’t handle it in my personal life often. That is 100% on me NOT on them. None of the people mentioned above are abusive towards me. But sometimes I find myself very triggered and have to give myself space. I get that impulse that says that “this is dangerous and someone is trying to use you.” 

This is NOT to say that you, or anyone else, with BPD in treatment, don’t deserve lasting friendships. You do. You absolutely deserve supportive friends. And I bet your work your ever-loving bum off to make changes to your life. I bet you will find them. It just might not be with particular subset of people who have an untreated BPD parent. I can’t speak to anyone else’s experience of an untreated BPD mom - just me. But I can hypothesize that fear and history are a huge part of it. These prospective friends might not be in a place to hear that you are in a different place than their experience. They may be assuming that their historical experience is what will happen now and be afraid. It takes me a while to figure out and I’ve done a fuck ton of work. Everyone gets to make the choices that keep themselves safe. 

Please be gentle with yourself. Keep working, keep trying - you might want to explore some of the issues around the friendships and how to navigate that with your current therapist. 

[actuallyschizoid]

Hello-- My best friend is schizo. I myself am very overly empathetic, to the point where I get overwhelmed. Anyway, I don't want to bring it up to him in case it's not something he wants to share/it'd be too intrusive, but the question keeps bugging me- what is it like to have friends as a schizo? I'm terribly sorry if I come off rude, but is it possible for them to care bout/have friends? I want to understand better, as I have high empathy and don't get what it's like. Thank you for any insight

Well, first of all, if by “schizo” you mean schizoid, as an empathetic person you might not want to call your best friend that. ^^’ Of course, unless he identifies as such himself. 

Thing is, “schizo” could refer to a few conditions (schizoid, schizotypal, schizoaffective, schizophrenic, to name first that come to mind), and different kinds of people from this spectrum aren’t always willing to identify with an umbrella term because of how different those are. Also this term is occasionally used in offensive way, and some may find it rather hurtful. Even though others have tried to recover it back into viable umbrella term, it’s still in a gray area, as it seems.

Now, I have just the post you’re looking for somewhere. Thanks to my new blog excel thingy, I even have a chance to find it, one moment... Eh, I should tag things better... >.> I think this is the one I’m looking for, though maybe I missed another big one on similar subject. Anyway, that post pretty much sums it all about friends and schizoids. But I’ll try to elaborate a bit (hopefully it won’t result in even bigger wall of text). 

What it’s like to have friends when you are a schizoid? Well, I don’t really think it’s all that different then it is for other people. I mean, it’s based on all the same psychological mechanics. The only difference is schizoids tend to have low motivation towards having friends and high cost to sustain it. 

I.e. friendship is by definition a mutually beneficial relationship. Unlike all those romantic options, here can’t be one-sided friendship. If just one out of two finds it to be worth to be friends, that just doesn’t cut it — the one without enough reason to sustain it will just withdraw and find something better to do.

So for schizoid having a friend can easily become a burden. It’s draining energy (which is already low), forcing into regular contacts (which is hard and far from always is welcomed), etc. And for it to be still worth it — well, there must be something in it, right? Some profit — and I don’t mean, like, financial gain. Any gain, even psychological — feeling better and all that.  

Problem is, emotional closeness is rarely viewed by schizoids as profit — way more commonly it is, in fact, a loss. Allowing someone to be close to you emotionally from schizoid PoV is the cost they must pay to have some friends. Depending on specific schizoid, it may or may not be worth it to begin with. 

Like, I personally won’t have close friends ever because the whole world doesn’t have enough valuable for it to justify sharing my emotions with anyone but myself. Not-too-close friends are fine, that’s not a big deal. But there’s just no way I anyone would ever be able to get to the “best friend” level of closeness, like talking about feels, being sincere with each other, not having secrets or whatever else. 

I mean, really, people? Really?.. >.> How is it even possible y’all agree on such horrid thing and find it even pleasing? But then again, it could be just be. If you are already best friend with that schizoid of yours, perhaps he’s not that far gone yet, and for him being emotionally close is still an option that isn’t impossibly expensive. 

Still, probably worth to keep in mind that you’re likely taking at least twice as much as you think you do in this friendship. And things that you thing you’re giving are, in fact, just more expenses in his mind. It could be already quite disbalanced. 

And I’m guessing there might be a good reason why you find yourself bugged by those questions. Like, perhaps you feel like he is (was, or slowly getting) more withdrawn, doesn’t seem interested much in spending time together, as if he doesn’t care much? Maybe passively agreeing to all things you suggest, but never suggesting anything on his behalf. Probably not even calling/messaging for weeks or months unless you contact him first.

Of course it’s just a guess, I could be wrong. But honestly that wouldn’t surprise me. Because friendship with schizoids is always like that. Why is it like that? Because, just like I said before, it’s so easy for things to get just not worth its cost. It doesn’t mean he no longer likes you or anything, if that’s the case. It just means he’s tired and unmotivated and it’s harder and harder to stop himself from finding excuses to not go somewhere/do something/whatever. 

So, is it even possible for schizoid to care about friends? I’d say, yes. For some schizoids it’s pretty easy, in fact. All it takes is a good enough reason to care. :) I.e. that friendship must provide something truly valuable for this specific schizoid to trigger this “care” thingy. 

No, emotional warmness, sympathy, talking feels — that’s not it. It must be something the schizoid can’t provide themselves with by other means. Like, external motivation, for example. If you can supplement the natural inability of your schizoid friend to stay motivated, that might help. 

At least for me that always worked better to have other people doing the “get, the fuck out of bed and do something, ffs you can’t just stay here for weeks it’s just unhealthy, there’s this long list of stuff you had to finish by last year and it’s still not done” thing instead of myself. Especially if it’s not just words, but that someone would actually keep being involved with the stuff I must do, being motivated for the task to be completed waaaay more than I could ever dream to be. Just knowing that someone cares about things I don’t care enough about could make a difference between the thing in question being done within 10 minutes or 10 years. Literally. 

Or, if he’s a different kind of schizoid whose most prominent problem is, for example, dealing with other people — well, how about helping with that? Maybe taking care of some mundane thing that you find simple or even fun, but he finds it a personal hell. Like going to a shop, talking to strangers, whatever. 

Then, eventually it might actually click. And all those things that were a burden with nothing in return would become the one and only relationship in their life that actually matters. 

Occasionally, when that happens, some schizoids are capable to develop the level of attachment you wouldn’t expect of them, as far as I know. Sure, it might still be rather withdrawn on the emotional end (or maybe not — again, it’s individual). But there’s surely a possibility that it would matter a lot. 

And of course I ended up with another wall of text, but let’s be honest, none of you doubted this post will be long the moment I said “hopefully it won’t”... including myself. >.>

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

[solo1y]

A Facebook Convo; 7 Years Ago

Timothy O'Fallon [in a status update about his bible study group]: Let's do this Hemingway style (except badly): Exodus. Tomorrow. We journey The Bible in 1 Year then. And it will be 10AM. Climb the steps to the class above the Cafe at CCC. You might hear something new. You might not. More than likely you will. I would enjoy seeing you there. Well, except for Barry Purcell. Everyone else.

Barry Purcell [me]: You're full of bravado when you have the machinery of Florida's justice system behind you, aren't you? Remember, the restraining order runs out in two weeks. Then I can show up to your bible class any time I like and not a single person in this fine democratic nation you have can stop me.

Stupid joke time - "I had to go to a talk about Exodus, but I managed to get out of it."

Tim: That's the day I will teach the class using the gift of Tongues, Barry. And you can interpret. Ha ha! Er...wait...

Barry: I'd probably translate incorrectly: "And lo he said unto Ezekiel, 'I am shuffling. Yea, verily even unto Israel am I shuffling every day.' And every day he was shuffling."

Tim: But does He stack the deck? That's the controversy you know.

Barry: I guess if he's the one who built the deck in the first place, it would be technically impossible for him to "stack" it.

Tim: I'm telling you, you could teach this class

Barry: I don't think so, Tim. At the end of every class, I'd have to say "Just don't take any of it literally", which is probably anathema to the standards and practices department.

Tim: That would work for everything except for the stuff that was intended to be taken literally

Barry: The further back in time you go, the more likely that it's a more helpful approach to the material, regardless of the intentions of the author.

Tim: Chronological snobbery! Personally, I subscribe to the notion that determining what people mean when they say or write something is critical to understanding what they said or wrote...no matter how far back you go.

Barry: The further back you go, the less literally you have to take what was written in order to understand it. Not only are the earliest documents historically inaccurate, but they don't seem to understand "historical accuracy" even in theory. It's a relatively modern idea which we are imposing on the ancient texts, expecting them to bend to our conception of what "accurate" means. Whose fault is it when they snap under the strain?

A wonderful example is the literature of prophecy, which always, without exception, tells you nothing at all about the future and everything about the people making the predictions. This is true of all predictions made my any people in any culture, ever. But you'll miss that entire layer of reality if you interpret the prophecies literally.

Tim: I see historians (including very good ones) impose modern ideas of history on ancient texts all the time. Finding instances of that sort of thing is one of my most amusing pasttimes (pathetic, I know). But we mustn't mistake that sort of misdeed with the equally false notion that the ancients never intended to relate something that actually happened. That's not a modern idea at all, any more than the embellishment of events is exclusively an ancient habit. There is far less separating you and I from an ancient Chinese calligrapher or an Akkadian scribe than not, a fact that modern historians are at great pains to point out in every area of life except that of writing. Again, I find that amusing. And again, I continue to find it instructive and intellectually fulfilling to try to discern what an ancient writer actually inteded to say. In the case of Scripture, I find it a lot more than intellectually fulfilling. *********** Regarding prophecy, of course prophecy tells you nothing about the future if in fact prophetic prediction of the future is impossible. Ever. But one thing it DOES dell you abou the "people making the predictions" is that they were the sort of people who believed you could make true predictions about future events. And again I find that at least in this way, they aren't much different than me. And this adds a layer of "reality" to me that a skeptic, by definition, cannot attain.

Barry: I'm a skeptic and I accept that they were the sort of people who believed you could make true predictions about future events. You get those sorts of people today too, and their predictions are just as accurate at predicting the future.

Also, it's not so much that they never intended to reflect reality, it's that they would have been unaware of the psychological construct of a 'metaphor'. They frequently used metaphors to reflect their reality in a way that we wouldn't, at least not without flagging it down first. It wasn't a question of 'accurate' or 'inaccurate'. They just didn't think of things in those modern terms. However, as you say, once you are made aware of the common symbol database to which all our cultures refer (thanks to the good work of people like Joe Campbell, Carl Jung and James Frazer inter alia), it becomes easier to work out what the authors of these ancient works were getting at.

As far as I know, the Greeks were the first people to understand this, the first people to question their divine myths, the first people to even be aware of the fact that they could be questioned, and hence philosophy.

Tim: The Greeks were not the first people to question their divine myths, though they may have been among the first to misunderstand their own myths, or mythology itself for that matter. Their work in that area has certainly flourished in modern times. And becoming aware of the symbol databases to which all our cultures refer does indeed, in my view, give us some excellent tools to misunderstand the ancients more conveniently. As far as the ancient unawareness of the psychological construct of a metaphor goes, if by that you mean that they used metaphor much more brilliantly than we do today, and that in most cases they had a much greater understanding of how it ought to be used, I would agree with you wholeheartedly. And you missed my point about the skeptic (I am a skeptic too, just about different things). It was a joke. The skeptic can't share the layer of reality in which he identifies with the belief in prophecy. Now that I've explained it, it doesn't seem funny any more.

Barry: Oh well if you're identifying with prophecy in the sense that you think it's true, then yes. That facility will be denied the skeptic. At least until one of them comes true. Then the skeptics will all be on board.

I don't think they used the metaphor more brilliantly than we do. It was just a different way of looking at things. The Greeks may have misunderstood their own myths, but let us not forget that Socrates, the inventor of philosophy (more or less) got sentence to death specifically for the crime of blasphemy.

Timothy: Of course they won't be on board. See, told you I was a skeptic on some things. **** The way the ancients looked at metaphore was infinitely more mature, subtle, and poetic than the modern method. That's what I meant by brilliant. Admittedly, they were less encumbered by psychological theory and the new philology, but I think that's a good thing. And Socrates was sentenced to death in part for blasphemy, but everyone then as now knew very well that is not why he was sentenced to death. You might say he died of metaphor.

Barry: Blasphemy was the charge on the ticket, but of course he was killed for more practical reasons.

Socrates had absolutely no fear of anything; felt like he was on a divine quest to improve the lives of everyone in the world; never wrote anything down himself (so we are forced to rely on the accounts, often written long after his death, of others who make various claims on him); amassed a small gang of followers who delighted in his witty and intellectual take-downs of establishment and authority figures; tried and failed to reject his responsibilities; had his early life (at least the first 30 years) completely shrouded in mystery, relegated to one or two anecdotes; refused to defend himself properly against the charges of blasphemy when called upon to do so; accepted the death sentence even though it was well within his power to avoid it; and ultimately put more value on the truth than his own life.

You might indeed say that he "died of metaphor".

Tim: And we know all this about him because we believe we have ascertained the intent of those ancients who wrote about him. Barry, listen, I just think that when we apply modern theories of interpretation to ancient authors (the "what he REALLY must have meant (even without realizing it)" school of interpretation, we do the author a disservice. And I think we are further from understanding him or her, not closer. For example, I doubt very much I have ever met anyone in my life more misinterpreted than you. I see it happen all the time: you say something clever, it gets interpreted as a personal insult, and a personal insult gets thrown at you in return for your non-insult. But unlike the ancient authors, you are right here to clarify what you intended. Still, the person who originally misinterpreted your intent holds fast to their misinterpretation. It is comic and a little sad. But it shows that people prefer to interpret things based on their perception of things (such as the perception that you are an offensive little snit) rather than the intent of the author. Imagine, if it is that bad for you, how badly our modern perceptions - even ones not formulated by the Jungian school - mangle the intent of the ancients, who aren;t even here to clarify. In my class, I teach (or try to) on the theory that before we can evaluate anything about a text, we first need to do our best to figure out what the original author of that text intended it to mean. Sometimes, as you pointed out, they have a different way of looking at things than we do, and so of course that goes into determining their intent as well. But I do not subscribe to the notion that just because an author is ancient, that he thinks COMPLETELY differently than we do, or that the further back we go the more alien it is when he writes "the emperor made a sacrifice to the gods to cure his toothache" (oracle bones) or "and he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither, and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper"(psalm 1). The intent of the author is comprehensible because we are more alike than not; the distance between us in time does little to distance us in basic inference or the conceptions that follow from it.

Barry: Fair enough. My original concern was that not so much that we might think of modern ways of interpreting texts as "better", but that we would subconsciously parse all those ancient texts through our modern filters *before* we even get around to asking what the author meant. We are often unaware of how much damage we can do to an ancient text just by deciding what does or doesn't count as inside the parameters of what the author meant, and we are often unaware that we're even doing it.

Nothing I've said here is peculiar to the bible, by the way. All this would work as well for the Iliad, or any other ancient text. Despite the sterling work of Schliemann, we may never know for sure what went on at Troy, or if it happened at all. But *something* happened to cause some literary masterminds to record it. And that's as good a start as any.

Maybe what I'm saying is that the further back we go, the less likely it is for us to encounter literal, accurate history in the modern sense, because there was no modern sense of literal, accurate history back then. Does that sound better?