#this AU helps me cope with having BPD tbh

[nonbayanary]

neurodivergent hiruma AU where he’s got borderline personality disorder (bpd).

———

hiruma sticks to his “devil bad boy” facade, bcs he doesn’t know who he truly is behind that mask

he has abandonment issues caused by his parents, so he keeps most ppl at arm’s length. the only ones he’s close to are kurita, musashi, and cerberus

it explains hiruma’s explosive temper. most of the time, he only passes as calm and collected bcs he keeps a strong, unrelenting hold on his emotions. for one moment, anger flashes in his eyes. but he tamps it down the next second, eyes going empty. 

he tries REALLY really hard to keep his temper in check. especially bcs he doesn’t want to hurt kurita, musashi, or cerberus. over time, he learns to be patient with people.

hiruma copes with betrayal through rage. 

one of the benefits of being in a sports team is that, because of daily exercise, hiruma can cope with his emotions better

sometimes, when hiruma’s emotions are too intense, he just shuts down. he visualizes himself pushing down the emotions from his chest, down to his stomach. all the emotions on his face are erased. 

if he’s in too precarious a situation to shut down, such as situations where he’s conversing with someone, or hanging out with his team, he just starts dissociating instead. 

when hiruma dissociates, hiruma envisions it like a driver. if his body were a car, then he’d usually be at the driver’s seat. but when he dissociates, it’s like he’s driving from the backseat of a seven-seater vehicle. he’s just watching his body move, from the back of his mind. 

hiruma’s dissociation and shutdowns are the only reason why he’s called “soulless.” it aids his reputation as “the devil,” as well as his “emotionless bad boy” image.

sometimes, hiruma has panic attacks. but after years of experience, he knows how to hide the signs from other ppl. he knows how to keep his panic attacks quiet. only musashi and kurita can identify when something’s wrong. but even then, they have a hard time putting a name to what’s happening to hiruma at that moment.

hiruma has panic attacks so often, that most times, he can consciously list down the signs. chest pain? check. hard to breathe? check. he suddenly has a hard time moving? check. his body feels inexplicably warm? check. he’s trembling? check on that one too. 

hiruma, internally: ah, shit! here we go again.

but sometimes, hiruma’s too immersed in the thoughts causing his panic attack, that he’s not entirely sure that he’s having a panic attack. his mind is rendered into mush by fear, and he can’t concentrate enough. he’s too overwhelmed to take stock of what his body is feeling.

when that happens, and the panic attack is over, hiruma is left reeling. he wonders if it really was a panic attack

hiruma notices the smallest changes in the behavior of ppl around him. it’s why he stays distant from his team, as a defense mechanism

however, bcs of BPD, hiruma is extremely empathetic. it’s why he’s so good at predicting how ppl will act.

hiruma is immensely loyal, as shown in the powerful bonds he’s created with musashi, kurita, and cerberus. 

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(yes, y’all can definitely use this prompt!!!  /gen)

[thedappleddragon]

haha here we go again

there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.

tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals

I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.

Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go. 

last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever.  another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.

right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )

[nonbayanary]

neurodivergent sena where he's got borderline personality disorder (BPD)

sena’s always had trouble regulating his emotions as a kid. his parents neglected him most of the time, which is one of the reasons why he developed BPD

throughout the years, sena’s learned to shut down his emotions as a coping mechanism

as a result, sena feels numb more often than not. sure, he can fake being joyful or being exasperated. but he’s learned to mute all that he feels, as if he’s distant from everything

since mamori’s been his childhood friend for all these years, she’s noticed the stark difference to sena’s colorful range of emotions when he was a kid, to his bland mimicry of emotions now

and for years, mamori’s done all she could to help sena. sena knows, and tries to cooperate with her efforts.

mamori is the only one sena shows intense emotions to, and even then sena struggles to do it

until one day, sena is dragged by hiruma onto the american football field as a player

in the heat of all the action, sena has a truly difficult time tamping down on his emotions. it’s as if he’s been enshrouded in a haze of fog all these years, and then suddenly, all that blurriness is blown away

or perhaps, the experience is comparable to being submerged in water all these years, and then suddenly, hitting the surface and being bombarded with all the light, the noise, and the colors

and for the first time in years, sena’s emotions are raging to be known, as if the pandora’s box within him has been opened

the fear that envelops sena is like a snake coiling around his chest, crushing his ribs to dust

and when he gets tackled, the anger he’s always tied down suddenly frees itself. the opponent who tackles sena sees the rage behind the eyeshield obscuring sena’s face. the baring of sena’s teeth, and the wide-eyed murder in his eyes, before it’s suddenly erased. as intense as it is fleeting.

and oh, the absolute riot of ecstasy and triumph when sena finally scores a touchdown for the first time. 

sena feels this wholeass range of emotions in a tiny span of time. he is very much prone to quick shifts in mood, as it’s a symptom of BPD

which means sena’s rage is as hot and as quick as lightning. it’s definitely befitting of his position, being a runningback and all, as the fastest player in the team.

when sena starts feeling so intensely again, it awakens his crisis all those years ago, as he struggles to regulate his emotions around his teammates

it helps that mamori joined the team, since she helps him hide whenever he needs to escape the team just to have some time for himself.

whenever that happens, sena’s usual method, when his emotions are choking him, is to have a good old five to ten-minute cry. he finds a safe hiding spot, somewhere dark and silent, and allows the tears to finally slide down his face.

after all these years, he’s found that this is the only way he knows how to quickly regulate his emotions. this is the only way he knew how to vent his frustration without hurting anyone else.

and after ten minutes, whether sena is ready or not, he pastes a smile back on, and shoves all his feelings deep within him, forcing the numbness back to the surface.

sena has a secret he's ashamed of. sometimes, when he's feeling too much, and his head is too noisy, he breaks into his parents' wine stash

sena's parents have a wine cabinet filled to the brim with both white wine and red wine. some of the wine goes untouched for years.

sena isn't proud of his actions, but he's dealt with his inner demons for so long that he knows: he can either drink away his turbulent emotions, or they'll build up in him and explode at the worst possible moment

so sena drinks. he knows how to make wine bottles look like they're unopened, even at close inspection. he just drinks from bottles with caps instead of corks. capped bottles have this strip of paper glued onto the bottle caps, and sena uses that strip of paper as a cover.

sena only ever drinks just one glass. maybe two glasses if his mind is louder than usual. he doesn't drink often, but the closest gap he has in between drinking is maybe two weeks apart.

the long gaps apart and the small amount consumed ensures that sena stays a lightweight. and that's what he wants. he wants to drink just one glass, to make sure he doesn't get caught.

sena's parents never suspect anything, even when they see the glass in his hands. that's bcs sena always makes sure that his parents see him drinking juice often. cranberry juice, tomato juice, grape juice, apple juice, etc. this is so that when his parents see a glass in his hands, with red or yellow liquid, they'll automatically think it's juice.

sena too knows to cover his tracks. he leaves the wine bottle exactly as he found it, taking note that his parents always put the logo of the wine face-down.

sena also knows that alcohol has a strong odor, so he makes himself scarce when he's drinking. he keeps the window open in his room, and makes sure his electric fan blows the smell out of the window.

sena hates the taste of alcohol. he hates how sour wine is, and he always finds himself crinkling his nose at the taste. but goddamn, he's addicted to it.

he loves feeling absolutely nothing at all. the alcohol erases any anger, any despair, and any negative emotion he's feeling at the moment.

and suddenly, a feeling of joy bubbles up in him. suddenly, it's so easy to live. suddenly, he's not pulled down by the weight of emotions. suddenly, it's okay to simply exist, to simply be.

that's what sena is addicted to.

he just wants to feel things at a normal amount. he's researched bpd, and how it changes the brain structure. sena's tired of always feeling things, especially negative emotions, too much. he's just so tired.

what people don't know about sena is that he is often angry. he's just very good at keeping his face blank to cover it up.

he tries to be mindful whenever he feels anger simmering beneath his skin. he thinks to himself, "why am i angry? have i truly been disrespected, or am i feeling more than the normal amount? is this anger just the BPD talking? what ia the actual cause of my anger? is it stress?"

more often than not, mamori and hiruma are the only ones to clue in on sena's anger.

mamori, bcs she's known him the longest. sena acts in a certain way when he's upset. he tends to blink less, staring in an unsettling manner. also he makes less eye contact when he's truly furious.

hiruma, on the other hand, knows when sena's upset bcs he's skilled in reading people. sena may be the only person he knows who fumes in silence, but hiruma still knows rage when he sees it.

yet, even despite as sena despises his own BPD, it has its good points.

sena is always the one laughing the longest at a joke someone says. his laughter is quiet, but it's genuine. when sena laughs, the joy shows itself all over his face. he just lights up like a sunrise, which motivates his teammates and friends to joke around with him more.

and when someone confides their troubles in sena, they always feel seen. bcs sena too absorbs their sadness, and he sits with them and feels with them. it always makes people feel a little less alone when someone feels their sadness in an act of solidarity.

pretty soon, it becomes a game, a sort of competition between sena's friends and teammates, to see who can make him laugh the most.

sena doesn't always laugh at jokes, but when he does, it's always like an explosion of confetti. the sound that comes out of him is pure and melodic happiness, which makes his laugh contagious.

(yes, y’all can definitely use this prompt!!!  /srs)