#thinks about Addie and my other guys and how they interact

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 4

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 1121

Masterlist

American Gods is a very good book, I'll give you that. It's about a man whose wife dies while he's in prison. When he gets out, he starts to work for an eccentric stranger. His wife's corpse follows him around. It's exactly the kind of stuff I imagined you'd read.

I tear through it in a few days, and am disappointed when I hate your other favorites. Addie Larue is alright (Addie falls for a guy in a bookstore) but I can't stand The Secret History or The Raven Boys and have to put them both down before I'm even halfway through them.

Are these the kind of people you're into, (Y/n)? Rich assholes who think they own the world? If that's the case, I have no chance with you.

But no. Shadow Moon is your favorite, and he is an every man's man. He went to prison for aggressive behavior, but I can tell that he is not an aggressive person. He made a mistake and he regrets it. Like me.

I'll admit, (Y/n), that I have made mistakes in the past. Before you, there was Candace, and everything about that relationship was a mistake. I regret my behavior deeply. But it's okay, because it was all just practise for the moment I met you.

We text a little throughout the next week. It's all superficial. Sometimes you tell me you're at work, but you don't tell me where it is that you work or what you do there. I get the sense that you don't want me to know too much about you.

I tell you I'm reading American Gods because of you.

YOU: !!!!!

YOU: lemme kno what u think!!

But you don't give me any more than that, and when I tell you I loved it you only send me a smiley.

Worse, I'm not at Mooney's when you next come in. Ethan tells me he saw you, and I want to put my hand through a wall.

I've only just found you, (Y/n), and I already feel like I'm losing you.

Finally, a lucky break. You come to the store again, and this time you're not alone.

There's a girl with you. She's taller than you, and dresses more modestly. She's also more quiet, but you introduce her to me as Nadia Ronig and when you both leave - not a lot of conversation between us today. You're focussing on your friend - I find her on Instagram.

And through her, you.

Nadia is from Belgium and is visiting you for the week. Like most people, she enjoys attention more than she lets on. Her account is public, and she is a serial-poster. Which is how I find out you've had breakfast together at the same place two days in a row. You are a creature of habit.

She's also posted a picture of your apartment building, and the park next to it, which is how I finally, finally find out where you live.

You shouldn't let your friends post pictures like this so publicly, (Y/n). This time it's just me, but anyone could find you this way. Who knows what kinds of creeps might be interested?

Scrolling back through Nadia's account, I find pictures of you together as young adults, teenagers, even as children. You've known this girl for a long time. Maybe longer than anyone else. That's important to know, because it means you must value her deeply. She values you, anyway. Until three months ago, when you must have moved, almost every one of her posts included you.

I find Nadia on Twitter, too, and realize pretty quickly that the account she most interacts with is you. @MoonShadow_. You don't use your own name because you don't want to be known, but you've told me American Gods is your favorite. You wanted me to find you on here.

On Twitter, your account is public. You mostly post about books, in English anyway. With Nadia, you interact in Dutch, and translating it makes me understand why it's been so hard for me to get to know you. In English you're aloof, but in Dutch you're not afraid to speak your mind. You talk about your day and your life and your political opinions, which mean nothing to me because I don't know any European politicians.

Maybe I'll learn Dutch for you. I won't let you know about it right away - it'll be a surprise. We'll go to the Netherlands for an anniversary of some sort and I'll be able to talk to your family in their language. You'll see how good I am to you, how hard I'm willing to work.

And I am willing to work for you. Of course I am. Otherwise, I wouldn't be outside your building at two am. Don't you think I'd rather be sleeping? But these are the things I do for you.

It may be late, but the lights in your apartment are still on, so I can watch you. You live in a shoebox on the first floor. It's a single room with an attached bathroom. Your windows are open, and you have curtains but they aren't closed. You're on an air mattress on the floor, scrolling through your phone. Nadia has your bed, but she's in the bathroom right now.

I like your apartment, (Y/n). It may be tiny, but it's undeniably you. Every wall is covered by a bookcase, except for where you keep a rack of clothes. You don't have a kitchen but you do own a microwave. You eat exclusively TV-dinners, as far as I've seen. When we're together I'll take better care of you than that.

I'm across the street. It's not a good neighborhood to be out alone this late, but I'm willing to risk it for you.

Nadia comes out of the bathroom, and the two of you start a conversation.

The street is narrow enough that I can hear the two of you talking. That doesn't help me, though - you and Nadia speak Dutch, exclusively. I wish I understood what you were saying, because I think it would help me know you. Unfortunately, I'll have to make do just listening to the sound of your voice and the tone you speak in.

I think you two are having an argument. Either that, or Dutch is just an exceptionally harsh language.

After a while, you turn out the lights and you both go to sleep. I'll leave, for now, but I'll be back tomorrow. During the day, this time. I want to see where you go every day. What you do when you're not reading.

It's time for the two of us to meet somewhere outside of where I work, don't you think?

[pleasejustletpercyrest]

I’m surprised I haven’t caved and done this yet, but I NEED to talk about how fucked up it is that ole Papa Ricky missed out on prime ace/aro representation via Leo Valdez in favor of? Ruining part of his character arc? Let’s get into it.

Essentially, Leo’s entire character is based off of the loser boy who relentlessly flirts with anything that moves because he’s desperate. We see this in almost every book until he starts to get serious, and of course when the Calypso plot line begins. IGNORING THAT ENTIRE SECTION OF THE BOOKS, and instead looking more closely towards the whole “seventh wheel” thing, I would very much like to point my gay little finger and declare Leo on the a-spec.

Leo as a character is very performative, and we see him taking the role of the comedian, or the resident funny guy along with his throwaway usefulness as the engineer and repairer. In his POV multiple times we see a deeper exploration to his thoughts and actions, while in everyone else’s eyes, he’s just annoying, funny, and hyperactive. While this is an entirely different post I should be making in the name of Leo Valdez and all of his quirks and flaws, I also think that this inherently plays into the loneliness and separation that we see over and over again casting him as the third/fifth/seventh wheel.

I think there’s also something very telling about that desperation. Besides Rick very quickly throwing him into a romance to solve most of his “problems”, a lot of the earlier books show him flirting and throwing himself at women, but there’s no SUBSTANCE to it. In my personal experience, and in something very often seen in the aro/Ace community, to fit into social norms, you often try to attach yourself quickly to people, or convince yourself and your peers that you are experiencing crushes/attraction for a way to fit in to conversation and convention. Unintentionally, Rick wrote this little playboy character who is SO EASILY read as queer, specifically ace/aro!!!!

While we can only give the books so much credit for diversity and representation (as they are written by a cishet white man well past his 30s), the way that Leo is written so stereotypically gives me FUEL to headcanon that he is better than written. I like to think of his third wheel era with Piper and Jason as a sort of PART 1 to this realization, and then PART 2 comes around with Hazel and Frank. There could have been so many silly interactions if he was actually pursued as a queer character, and I will forever rage because of the sloppily thrown labels after HoO with Nico’s coming out arc.

(Once again, big W for the representation being shown, but I do have some issues with the execution)

I just imagine Leo, confused, watching these relationships on the Argo II and taking notes about what romantic attraction looks like. He has messy notes scribbled on his palm like:

-Laughs at joke that is NOT funny because they are blinded by love???

-Look like idiots holding hands and staring into each others eyes

-‘I would die for you’ but in a sexy way (aka how to date in demigod 101)

-Whatever the fuck Percy and Annabeth have going on

Relationships, specifically romantic ones, seem to be the only way that Rick truly allows important interactions to happen. What happened to declaring your loyalty but in a platonic sense? What happened to fighting for the power of friendship? What happened to Grover?!?!!!

I also truly believe that there could have been an entirely new angle explored between Nico and Leo’s relationship, and how they could’ve become tentative friends after Leo comes back from the dead, especially after the death of Jason Grace. I see perfectly an interaction that would go something like:

Leo, approaching Nico wearily at the dining pavilion: hey man, how did you realize you were gay?

Nico, not paying much attention, absolutely destroying a bowl of cereal: didn’t like women, liked men

Leo, nodding seriously, knowing full well that he isn’t gay but also not straight: I see…

ADDITIONALLY there could have been such a fun friendship with Piper and Leo if Rick Riordan wasn’t a coward and actually gave Piper a character arc where she was established as queer instead of just sprinkling it in at random. Piper, as a daughter of Aphrodite, with that ‘love sense’, I truly believe they’re could have been such fun scenes such as:

Piper, suspicious that Leo isn’t straight: so…you have any crushes?

Leo, panicking because now he has to think of someone who could reasonably be seen as someone he was crushing on: uh, um, uh, what’re you? A cop???

Piper, getting literally no vibes of any attraction whatsoever from Leo, throwing her tf off: uh, maybe

This also leaves the very real, very hilarious question of what Leo would see if he ever met Aphrodite. As Jason sees a lot of Piper, and Percy sees basically just Annabeth, I think it would be interesting to have an internal dialogue of Leo meeting the goddess of love and having her features shift constantly to try and fit an impossible attraction by melding together traits that are stereotypically pretty or beautiful.

Not all of this was entirely coherent, but I have very strong feelings on this headcanon and I am HORRIBLE at articulating anything in a way that makes sense. Thank you for, once again, coming to my Teddy Talky.

[stiles-o-dylan24]

First of all, do you hear me SCREAM?!? OMG I'm literally screaming into my pillow, kicking my feet bc of this chapter I will die at the end of this series and I do not want to know how season 5 is going to end at this point, it might be REALLY BAD FOR US. I don't even know where to start, I'm gonna be honest, I didn't really like Nancy that much in the series, but you have this think, the way you make people love your characters and they way you make them interact with everyone makes me love them and forget about them in the show. I love Summer and Steve together and they aren't even a couple yet! I'm also been a sucker for protective couples and they way they protect each other even if they """dislike""" one other, and THE HANDS, AND THE TOUCHES, THE EYES I CAN'T. Then can we talk about SUMMIE, I LOVE SIBLINGS GOALS, AND THE GIFT AND STEVE LOOKING AT HER TO SEE HER REACTION I'M SO IN LOVE WITH THIS STORY AND WE ARE JUST AT THE BEGGING GIRL HOW CAN I GO TROUGH IT ALL STAYING SANE?! It gives me so many vibes from when I read about addy and stiles the first time and I love feelings the same things that I felt during that time, I'm talking too much I'm sorry I love you so much

Babes please do not EVER apologize when you’re sending a message like this🥰 bc this type of message, THIS kind of message right here, is fucking EVERYTHING to me. Like I will fall in love with you over a message like this.

I see your screaming and I raise you a feral pterodactyl screech bc holy shit your words are going to make me CRY😭 I can’t even begin to describe to you how giddy happy it’s making me that you loved everything that you did in this chapter!! I mean, look the seasons are shorter so I have to pack more into them and I’m fully prepared to not be sane at the end of it bc I’m obsessed with Steve and Summer and their protecting each other, their touches and their looooks😂 and I hope you continue to love them! Comparing the feelings you’re getting from reading this to the. same. as. when. you. READ. IABY. AND STADDY?! I almost can’t handle how much my heart is bursting at achieving that for you again🥹

Will calling her Summie gives me life okay?! And I’m so fucking glad you guys are feeling the same over it🥰🩵

also the way I’m fully planning on fixing season 5 if they even have the audacity to think about breaking our hearts😌

[adlerbarnes]

Hey, guys! I’m Katelyn, and this hunk of a man is Adler! I’m excited to be here and to interact with a new-ish character as I explore this wonderful roleplay and this beautiful town that’s been created! I would love to plot with every single one of you. My discord is xADumbHuman#3145 if anyone wants to add me on there!

THE STATISTICS

𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗦

FULL LEGAL NAME: Adler Benjamin Barnes NICKNAME(s): Adler, Addie (his Mom is the only person that’s ever called him Addie), Benji when he was a kid AGE: 33 DATE OF BIRTH: April 25th SPECIES: Human ETHNICITY: German, Italian, Irish, and possibly other (Google gives me all the facts) NATIONALITY: American LANGUAGES: English, some Spanish, ASL GENDER: Cis-Male PRONOUNS: He/Him SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual BIRTH ORDER: Second Born (Though he thinks he’s the first born) HOMETOWN: Andover, Mass.  CURRENT RESIDENCE: Ashmore in Nightrest, Mass. EDUCATION: College; Associate’s Degree OCCUPATION: Veterinary Technician MARITAL STATUS: It’s complicated. FAMILY: It’s also complicated. RELATIONSHIPS: See connections. PETS: Siberian Husky named Motley 𝗣𝗛𝗬𝗦𝗜𝗖𝗔𝗟 𝗧𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗧𝗦

HEIGHT: 6'5 WEIGHT: 200 pounds. BODY TYPE: Fit, muscular but not as defined as he’d like. HAIR COLOR: Brown EYE COLOR: Hazel SCARS|MARKS: He has freckles on his shoulders; a scar under his chin (that just happens to cause his beard to grow slightly shorter in that spot) and a scar on his hand from childhood.  FACIAL HAIR: A beard, but it’s on the shorter side. Not long or scruffy, nicely kept.  SIGNATURE SCENT: Tea Tree Shampoo, Bourbon scented cologne (very musty/manly) TATTOOS: A full sleeve on his arm. PIERCINGS: Right nostril

𝗣𝗛𝗢𝗕𝗜𝗔𝗦 & 𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗘𝗔𝗦𝗘𝗦

PHOBIAS: N/A MENTAL DISEASES: Though it’s undiagnosed, he suffers with anxiety.  PHYSICAL DISEASES: N/A 𝗣𝗘𝗥𝗦𝗢𝗡𝗔𝗟𝗜𝗧𝗬

HOGWARTS HOUSE: Hufflepuff PROMINENT TRAITS:  Uplifting, Honest, Anxious, Hard Working FAVORITE FOODS: Sushi, French Fries, Chocolate Cake, Supreme Pizza, Chocolate Covered Pretzels FAVORITE COLOR: Navy Blue, Maroon MUSIC TASTE: He doesn’t have a preference; as long as it’s good music he’ll listen to it.   HOBBIES: working out, walks with Motley, video games, starting books and never finished them, motorcycle riding. ZODIAC SIGN: Gemini LIKES: Taking control, Vintage cars, Foggy mornings, Reptiles, Old action films, silk sheets DISLIKES: Losing people, Subtitles, Rowdy kids, Sick animals

THE APPLICATION

was that ADLER BARNES i saw by the lighthouse today? i heard that the THIRTY THREE year old who has been in nightrest for ONE WEEK and works  as a  VETERINARY TECHNICIAN has a reputation of being UPLIFTING, but also ANXIOUS. they reside in ASHMORE & people in town usually associate them with LEATHER BIKE JACKET HANGING IN HIS CLOSET, BABY BLANKET TUCKED AND HIDDEN UNDER HIS PILLOW, WRITTEN LETTERS TO HIS CHILDHOOD SELF HE’S NEVER READ. let’s hope the killer doesn’t go after them next.

THE HEADCANONS

In his spare time, Adler likes to fish. You can find him on the river watching the water ripples underneath the stars.

He doesn't know much about his family as he was placed in foster care at six months old. All he knows is moving from house to house.

While he doesn't quite know how he feels about being a father, Adler wouldn't mind having children. The responsibility scares him slightly, but he wants to provide a safe space for children that he never had.

A true animal lover at heart, Adler has had several pets growing up. While they were never allowed in his household, he would be known to be the 'owner' of wild animals growing up; feeding them concoctions he would create from leftovers in his houses.

Adler has never loved holidays, but New Year's Day has always been his favorite. He finds himself looking forward to the change it provides every year.

Adler was a terrible student. He went to school every day, but regardless of how much he tried, he barely passed every year until he reached high school. That's the first time anyone ever really gave him the chance and he felt he could finally allow himself to pursue a future that was receivable.

THE SUMMARY

Adler grew up in the foster care system - his mother was a teenager when he was born - after none of his biological family would take him. He bounced from house to house, seeing more than thirty by the time he made it to high school. That's when he met the people he calls his parents; both were older at the time with children graduating college and getting married, but they loved Adler like he was their own. It was the first time he'd had any real sense of a family, and he knew he would do anything to make them proud. That's when he moved to Salem after bouncing from town to town his entire life, and after graduating with honors, he moved onto college, getting an associate's degree in veterinary medicine; he'd always loved animals and wanted nothing more than to be able to take care of them. During this time is when he met Selin. The two dated, but Adler has commitment issues and broke it off when he got scared. A year later the two were married in Vegas a year ago, telling no one that they'd done it. After a year of being married, She left, signed divorce papers, and now a year later Adler is in the same town as her - divorced papers unsigned - unknowingly to him.

[littlestarprincess]

More Haunting Adeline stuff before work. I don't know that I'm doing a good job of actually analyzing things . . . I'm still mostly just making notes of details here and then mulling over more details in my head haha

It's interesting to me that we're opening with a scene where Daya sexualizes Addie's grandma in the same way as she and Addie tend to sexualize each other, and Addie is like "NO, gross" about it, which is understandable.

I have no experience with platonic relationships being this sexual, but I do know that more conservative girls I've interacted with interact with each other in this kind of way, so I wouldn't say it seems unrealistic so much as now that I'm paying attention to Addie's self image, and in particular how she interacts with the concept of sex, it's a constant barrage.

We talk about how Cishet Guys think everything is about sex; "liberal" woman who are actually hyper-conservative (aka, women who adopt the aesthetics [talking about being Empaths or woo woo spiritual stuff rather than Christian Talking Points is really the big one that comes to mind] of being liberal but act according to conservative values, for whatever reason) will talk about how men are like dogs / animals that can't control themselves around sex, blah blah blah, but in actuality, conservative women tend to be hyper sexual in exactly the same ways and conservative guys, and this is really illustrated in this scene between Addie and Daya, where Daya suggests Addie's grandma was into freaky sex stuff based on her lingerie, and Addie ends up suggesting Daya do a strip tease to "scare off ghosts".

Addie straight up talks about how it's necessary for her to neg Daya:

"She knows damn well she's beautiful, which is why I tend to tease her about being the opposite. Someone's gotta humble the sexy bitch every once in a while. She'll get too big for this earth if I don't."

What??? Does this mean??? I would not want to be friends with Addie, and I would not want to be friends with Daya. They seem like very, very toxic people. Addie is giving big "praying on your downfall" energy.

Zade has left another rose, and Addie is freaked out, not knowing if he's still in the house or not. He could be, and she thinks to herself that she doesn't want to be the stupid girl in a horror movie who goes investigating and ends up victim, and she doesn't want to let some asshole intimidate her, and I think think this is the crux of the story, the dilemma that the fantasy is built on: she doesn't want to be stupid and she doesn't want to be weak.

It's funny that even when she decides on a course of action, she still has to be self-depreciating and kind of sexist about it. I'm not surprised that Addie has low self esteem, but it's getting increasingly obvious that the way she sees herself is as a loser, no matter how much she tries to talk herself up.

After Addie tells Daya what happened, Daya talks about trying to get Addie to not sleep in this old house, and offhandedly suggests dragging out Addie by her hair -- this gives Addie a pause where her only action is to frown and be like, I don't want to be dragged out by my hair.

Which is ultimately my way of saying, for all that they're pretending they're joking when they're cruel to each other, it's still cruel???

The aesthetics in this book are really strong when it comes to the actual stalking & scenes (somewhat lacking when it comes to Daya and Addie, but eh, it's a romance novel) -- the juxtaposition of the ghosts and haunted house vibes pairs really well to create the sense of "haunting" when Zade leaves deliberate traces of himself in the house.

[kapyushonchan]

Plague Doctor theories (which I should remade into bingo card)

What didn't bingo:

- Shura is Fake.

The theory didn't come true, but I suspected him, because he was the only one who knew the details of the Game, which Fake demonstrated.

- Lera or Toma will be tested with the drug.

It was just a possible guess, glad it didn't turned out true.

- Lera will come out with some plan by herself.

Lera turned out to have a really good mentor and she was smart to realise that Christina casted illusion on her. Still no plan, so no bingo.

Bingoed:

- Sergey won't mess around with Igor and there won't be any drama between them. The arc is a pure gestalt about their relationship, as well as an answer to the question "why won't Igor take care of the PD case, they're in the same city".

- Lera's costume is being tracked. Oleg and Sergey will rescue Lera.

- Or Toma or Volodya will wake up.

Bingoed partly:

- Lera will team up with Chrysalis and later with Poet to deal with the Machaons.

My bets:

- Dialogue or scene or general vibe: Lera: I have no respect for Sergei Razumovsky. Dagbaev, why the fuck are you clapping? I don't respect you either.

- Zlatomaki in any form, but most likely in the romantic one - there are too many parallels between them.

~Parallels in question~

He has vision problems - she's an ophthalmologist.

Lera is afraid of car/bike accidents, Altan is afraid of the front seats of the car.

She is a medic, he is a botanist.

Lera is the older sister, Altan is the younger brother.

The two find themselves in their situation through no fault of their own.

He's rich, she's, well, from ordinary family? Imagine how many memes are possible between them? Jokes about coffee for commoners entered the chat 🤣*Ouran High School Host Club music theme starts playing in the background *

~Parallels in question end~

- But in the end, if there is any romantic plotline between them, it will not go in full force right away: they are enemies, they have different social positions, different views on life, and other enemies-to-lovers slow burn angst of 200k words.

~Angst in question~

Yuma performs on Lera some kind of "break the cutie" trop to prevent her from getting in the way of the Buryat mafia and messing with her little brother.

Kirya finds out that Lera is a PD and at some point pretends to be a PD to save Lera. I have a feeling that the fact that Kirya is good at kendo, the fact that Sergei has been mulling over his candidacy, and that everyone thinks the PD guy, is laid in plot for a reason. Plus, Kirya fits the overall image of PD and Razumovsky's obvious choice better.

Bonus points if Kirya is captured by Yuma/another villain and mega bonus points if Kirya is killed or heavily injuted ("break the cutie "moment for Lera). Unlikely, though. Then again, Phobs came up with five bullets for Oleg.

- Lera will find herself completely cornered by circumstances, and will turn to Dima for help, who will lead her to White Arrow. Maybe Lera will work for them, but not as a regular employee.

- Her cornerstone will be Dagbaev's case/ relationship mess/ hero or ordinary person dilemma.

- Lera has to fake her own death in order to keep her loved ones safe. Actually, that's why I think they put Dima and Looking Glass in the story:

- Lera will be living in Looking Glass after the staging. Maybe she will be helping those in Looking glass like Farid - people who has no choice and other options left but to go hiding.

- With Sergei, Lera will either have a conflict or they'll split up by the end of the story. Lera will remain a PD.

- Lera will kill someone (forcibly) and it will affect her very much.

- Lera will be courted by Max:

- All kidding aside, her interaction with Max has to be at least something: they didn't bring him in the plot and introduce them so early for nothing.

My bet: they'll cross paths during/after the Machaon arc. Lera will be a questioned as a witness (Beklimisheva's case? Kristina's dacha case if the police gets involved), and she'll find out that Max is investigating a PD.

Bonus points if, in addition to Max, Altan will also set his eyes on Lera, but I've already written about that.

Super mega bonus points and the title of Vanga of a century to me if/when all three awkwardly cross paths, and Vadik turns on Bad Romance in the background. I'm at least entitled to a fic with this scene 😤.

- At some point, Lera and Oleg will beat the shit out of Vadik together as a mentor-pupil team. Because this bitch needs to be put down(c) and there has to be a balance in nature.

- Altan was in Raido and met Ulya. Who knows, a lot of characters have heard her doom-laden coffee predictions.

- Lera is really cursed by Rivers.

- Mir cameo please? 🥺

Machaon arc predictions:

- The Dagbaevs are either funding the Machaon, or they ordered the stealing of the drug from them.

Heavily implied that Altan really funds them.

From what I understand, Christina is casting illusions based on something. Fears, desires.

Christina embodied Lera's fear-and Lera is afraid of Altan and Vadim and what they could do to her. But the rest of it? About Altan starting to fund the Machaon to avoid spending too much money? That's what Yuma was talking about (Altan wasted too many people and money and got reprimanded for it). Oh, and how come there is an idea in Lera's mind abt the Machaon/Dagbaev collaboration? They just scared her, she couldn't have made out such conclusion on her own. My guess is that Christina couldn't get through to Lera's whole mind, so she molded it with what she had. She is involved with Athena and Rubinstein's deals. And Altan was in Machaon's presentation.

I think Christina arrogantly leaked to Lera through illusions about who was sponsoring them.

- The Dagbaevs will show up in the epilogue.

- The Dagbaevs will buy out Sergei's orphanage.

- I think they might show a scene where Vladimir goes to Looking-glass to talk to Poet, to inform him that he's on Rubinstein's trail and they all now in big trouble.

- Chrysalis will join forces with Sergey in attempt to find Rubinstein. After finding this out the Poet will refuse to join them.

- Lera either will get some super ability or already has one (Already implied? Christina couldn't break through her mind? Maybe because of the mask, but Christina managed to cast an illusion on Lera). Not the most desirable option, but a possible one nonetheless. I'm actually all for it if it's well executed. Which leads me to this prediction:

- The trio will manage to deal with guards on their own, but Lera will pass out due to the lack of oxygen, and Toma with Vladimir will see her face, while trying to help her. Still they will keep her identity in secret because they are not that kind of people to use it against her.

- (With Lera's fave reveal) Chrysalis had already guessed that PD was "that girl who helped me bring Maria Beklemisheva to the hospital". Because Lera was really sloppy with the information she gave to Chrysalis (her knowing his number, details of the case and information available to her).

- Chrysalis and Toma would definitely be the kind of friends Lera could open up to. They should be pen pals after everything at least. Also Lera will loosen up with them and let go of her handra and stress over her secret life.

- Toma will either refuse to take the drug with her after what she went through, or she'll be in doubts about it.

- Chrysalis might persuade Toma to find out who was ordering to steal the drug.

- Sergey and Oleg will arrive to pick Lera up and to search the base before the police.

- Christina either will manage to escape or will be captured.

- Sergey will reprimand Lera for not contacting them sooner after she found that this whole deal is big and dangerous, and he'll be mad about broken mask too, but he also will be grateful to her for finding in s day what he was searching for a month now.

- The police will come the last to the site help the kidnapped people. Max snd Banu will be investigating this case because kidnapped people will inform the police that the Plague Doctor helped them.

- The Poet's name is Eugeny.

- And he'll move into Volodya's apartment, and they'll put up that stupid bookcase from Ikea, and the anti-cat on windows for the cat, and that dream apartment will become a reality and...

Camon, I'm entitled to it 😤.

[izzielizzie]

random, but how do you think karen’s ooui pov characters would interact with the pov characters from her other books? (ex like would knox and malcolm get along or copper and aubrey, etc)

oh wow i adore this question!!

Bronwyn and Ellery

Both girls are really invested in the things that they care about: Bronwyn cares about her family and getting into Yale, and Ellery wants to solve a crime. I think they would bond over how much they love their siblings and how they want to be lawyers. They'd also talk about how they fell in love with the kind, loving guy hiding behind a dangerous reputation.

Cooper and Aubrey

They're sweet jocks what else can I say? Also they both broke away from their fathers' influence and expectations and they're doing much better now that they did. They'd talk about sports a lot.

Nate and Milly

They both keep to themselves and return love with snark and indifference because they're sad and scared and a little broken and they want their mothers to love them but they never seem to do. Also, they'd constantly talk about how they're dating dorks.

Addy and Aubrey

Addy and Aubrey would totally bond over the expectations placed on them by their parents, especially looks wise and they'd talk about their self esteem issues and how they're growing. And also I got massive bisexual vibes from Aubrey during the entire book so you know they could bond over that too.

Knox and Malcolm

I think Knox and Malcolm are most similar out of any of the characters just because they're self-deprecating and funny and soft and really kind. They had awful stuff happen to them and they don't have the greatest home lives but they're never unkind. Also they are both super cute with their girlfriends. They'd talk about their niche interests and how much they care for their sisters even if they have terse relationships sometimes and they'd probably end up being best friends.

Phoebe and Milly

Milly would probably treat Phoebe the same way she treats Aubrey: partially like a best friend, kind of like a mentor, and most definitely like a sister. I think Milly would see how lost Phoebe is, but how kind and badass she is, and she'd instantly be like "yes this is my new Aubrey" and she'd kind of point out the ways Phoebe is amazing and that her family's actions do not define her.

Maeve and Jonah

Jonah and Maeve both kind of keep to themselves and they have chips on their shoulders and they are insanely loyal to their families but also are learning to love people and put themselves out there. Also I just want to see how sassy they could be combined.

wow that did not answer the question at all but i hope you liked it!! feel free to ask anything else if you want

[bluntforcefem]

Curveball curveball (<incredibly predictable)

How about some vampire cookie stuff? Or the whole polycule if ur up for it? :0

pulled out the whole fuckin web for this one audy so buckle up you're about to get polycule divorce headcanons (not within the polycule. pre polycule divorce. you know how it is)

i touched on it w my pv & white lily fic but vampire isn't a guy who holds a lot of grudges with his exes unless they were, like, actual assholes, and pure vanilla was an amicable breakup. one that vampire didn't EXPECT to see again after the wars, because obviously, but one that was pleasant to catch up to. an old friend to introduce to the rest of his boyfriends

SPARKLING AND ADVENTURER COOKIE, ON THE OTHER HAND,

adventurer banned from the only fucking bar in the entire kingdom. sparkling banned from coming to family dinner with blackberry and onion. they hate each other so much just passively (after a couple years it's definitely more performance, but neither of them WANT to spend time with each other to try and unsalt the earth, so salted it stays. relationships from when they were both younger and more stupid and fucked it up big time)

deeply funny to me if mint choco and adventurer are friends without knowing this though. mint choco knows abt addie's ex and addie knows abt mint choco's cool boyfriends and they're chilling or whatever and then mint choco is like "oh we can visit my boyfriend at the bar he runs" AND ADVENTURER HAS A MOMENT (they stay friends, obviously. it's more funny than anything at this point but addie's still not allowed in the bar)

i think herb dated espresso for a little bit at (hand wavey motion) some point. they broke up because espresso refused to work towards improving his own self-care and herb couldn't do that for them. it wasn't an awful breakup just very awkward. they don't talk anymore but unfortunately sometimes your ex IS the second best healer in the kingdom and you both have to go through that awful five minute interaction

(herb is happy to see espresso doing better when he does start working on his stuff on his own, though. work on yourself and then you can get into a relationship again etc is something that i think espresso started taking reeelatively to heart after both the breakup and a LONG talk w latte (he backslides when madeleine shows back up in his life (can you blame him. he gets better though)))

mint choco doesn't have a lot of interesting ex stories but he did make out with clover after a music competition one time when they were both more of the travelling type (pre-kingdom, essentially). their music rivalry has a distinctly fruity flavor to it still but neither of them act on that (the rest of the regulars' polycule approve. communication important etc but also vampire thinks its the funniest shit in the WORLD. herb is just happy to know that his bestie and his boyfriend don't hate each other he was gonna have to start pulling out some stops soon)

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs, “Family Drama.”

I did not sleep in today, and have written you a story.

Warning: there are a few mentions of drugs and addiction, but not a ton

He had never felt so defeated.

As the Taxi door opened, and he stepped out onto the quiet residential street he had to hold back his shame and kept his head high. What would his family think? Should he even tell them? Well of course he should, that wasn’t an option anymore. If he wanted to make them proud he was going to have to make himself ashamed for a little while. 

Waffles whimpered at his heels.

He looked down at her with a small smile, “Alright, alright, you’re right, I’ll shut up.”

He rubbed her ears and walked up the concrete stepping forward onto the grass as a group of kids whirred past on hover-skates. They turned upon seeing them, voices suddenly raised pointing and waving at him as they rolled past.

He raised a hand to wave back, but quickly turned to the front door.

There was no way he was ready to interact with people that weren’t his close family.

He walked up the step and held out his implant to the door, it would open when it knew it was him.

The lock clicked, and he reached forward ready to finally relax and let off some steam.

The door clicked open, and he was immediately assaulted by a wave of sound.

“ADDIE!” He was grabbed around the shoulders and pulled into a massive crushing hug. It took his brain way longer than it should have to figure out what was one person, but then again, there was only one person he knew who called him Addie…. Like a fucking dog.

“Uncle Ben?” he grunted 

The man set him down on the floor and slapped his back. Below him Waffle growled nervously, but she was ignored, “It's been YEARS. We had no idea you were coming.”

The sound of kids screaming reached his ears and a t least five of them came rushing into the hallway.

“Hey that’s not fair, I wanted to be a pony too!”

“But I was one first, you can pick something else.”

Uncle Ben turned, “Hey everyone! Guess whose back!” His legs swiveled uselessly under himself as he was dragged through the hallway and into the living room, where the entire extended family seemed to be crammed. 

He blinked as the group turned into an uproar upon seeing him.

“What is that on his face?”

“Did you really lose a leg?”

“It’s been so long?”

Aunt Marry got up, “Lost all your baby fat finally.” He winced as she grabbed him and pinched his cheek, which wasn’t really for pinching anymore, or honestly had never been, but when he had more of a baby face she had always done that.

“Tell us about space!”

He was shoved onto the couch with Jeremy on one side and Grandma Vir on the other.

Jeremy gave him a look.

He grimaced back as Waffles crawled under his feet resting her head on Jeremy’s shoe.

“Where is dad?” he muttered to Jeremy, and his older brother leaned in to whisper, “where do you think. Hiding in the garage while mom entertains.”

“Coward.” Adam replied with some amusement.

That was just like their dad to avoid all extended family, even his own.

“Wait, wait, everyone calm down, our little Addie is Commander of the UNSC. You all remember when he was just a little guy who used to believe in flying saucers.”

Adam crossed his arms over his chest. Uncle Ben had always made fun of him as a kid.

His grandma looked at him from across the room, “What is that on your face?” She repeated.

He sighed, “An eyepatch grandma.”

“Why are you wearing an eyepatch.”

“Because I lost my eye.” He sighed.

She put a hand to her chest just as his mother came walking into the room, a Trey in one hand an apron tied around her waist and her hair pulled back in a messy bun. She looked more than a little frazzled.

“Martha, why didn’t you tell us he lost an eye!” She sighed, “Because I didn’t want to worry you mom.”

“How is the army still allowing you to command a ship with a missing eye?” Uncle Andy wondered 

“He flipped up the eyepatch and the mechanical tech hopped to life nearly freaking out as it tried to track all the faces in one place all at once.

Gasps, “IS that a mechanical eye!”

“Yes.”

His other grandma put a hand over her face, “and he used to have such pretty green eyes. Now look at them, he looks like one of those cyborgs! Did you know some of those people intentionally cut off their limbs to look more like that.”

Martha sighed, “That’s not how it works mom.”

His Mother’s sister waved at him from across the room. He smiled back, he had always liked her, “I love your eyepatch, it looks cool.”

Her husband grinned, “Space pirate.” he nodded sagely.”

Adam tilted his head across the room where he found  David and Jordan squished against one wall sitting on the floor Jordan mostly sitting in David’s lap as they tried not to take up any space.

His brother grimaced at him, he grimaced back.

His mother's father leaned forward his steel grey hair and serious face set, “So tell me Adam, what are exactly your duties in the UNSC.”

The entire family rolled their eyes at once, some not even discreetly. He only got involved in conversation if he considered it “useful” and that meant all of the thing other people didn’t want to talk about, money, religion, politics, family history…… 

“Er, well Uh.”

“After commanding an entire fleet of ships you would think he’d be better at public speaking.” Uncle Trevor announced from where he was hidden behind the piano.

Adam frowned and cleared his throat, “I am fleet commander of fifteen UNSC deep space vessels for both exploration and military combat, but my primary directive is to foster good will with alien races , and save others from destruction, subjugation and slavery while expanding our knowledge of the universe through prolongued deep-space exploration.”

“Ohhhh his directive!” The rest of the family oooooed as well, but it was mostly sarcastic in nature.

His niece, Kimver walked into the room and crawled up to sit with him and Jeremy leaning against both of their arms as she played on her handheld. Kimber’s new obsession seemed to have shifted into vintage gaming. Glancing over her shoulder he could see her throwing tiny white and red balls and strange looking animals and a very pixelated screen.

“Have you met any sexy alien ladies.” Ben butted in

The rest of the family raised their eyes to the sky. Grandma looked almost offended.

“Ben would you stop with that.” His wife muttered from where she sat on a chair in the corner.

“What the whole LFIL thing is legal now, so he totally could have met some sexy alien babes.:

“It’s not a joke Ben, those people had a rough time of it the past few years.” David piped up from the other side of the room.

“Why the GA decided to legalize that behavior is a mystery to me. The world really is getting more wicked.” Grandpa muttered,

Adam clenched his fists, “Actually, Grandpa, I convinced them to lift the ban.”

The room went very quiet very suddenly.

Adam wished he had just shut his mouth.

“You what!”

“Look I spent a lot of time around LFIL members when I was securing the GA hall from protestors. I met a lot of them, and they are just good people who want to be left alone to do what they want. So yes, because of my position I was able to walk into the GA council chambers and convinced them to lift the ban.”

They stared at him.

“But what they are doing is wrong, it’s like bestiality.”

He felt his fists clench, “Grandpa if you ever met an alien you wouldn’t say that. They are sentient being that can consent, and if they can do that than it isn’t bestiality, and also stop calling my friends animals. My ship is staffed by some of the best alien crewmembers I know, and I wont have you comparing them to cattle or dogs or whatever else you want.”

The room went quiet.

Grandpa stepped out in a huff.

HE sighed and leaned his head back against the wall with an audible thud.

His mother walked over and handed him a stack of cookies with a smile on her face that said: Sorry about that.

He took the cookies greatfully shoving one completly into his mouth to avoid saying something else stupid. 

“So, does this mean you DID find a sexy alien girl.” Ben wondered and was immediately elbowed in the ribs from two sides  producing a grunt of surprise.

“So Jeremy, how long have you two been dating.” Adam looked over Jeremy’s bulk towards where a petite red haired woman with grey eyes and a sprinkling of freckles across her face was squished into the other side of the couch.” 

Sensing him looking, she waved a hand with a bright smile, and he waved back.

“Almost a year now.” Jeremy beamed putting his arm around her.

“Should we be expecting an announcement from you two soon?’ 

Everyone groaned, “Grandma!”

Jeremy’s girlfriend took it like a champ and continued to smile unaffected.

“Speaking of relationships.”

Dear god please descend from heaven and rapture him straight to hell, not that, that's how it worked but anywhere but here would have been great

“Adam, when are you finally going to settle down, how old are you now 25?”

He wondered if he prayed to satan hard enough he could summon a demon to swallow his soul whole.

“I know have you ever even dated anyone”

“Kissed anyone?” “Kissing is fun, you should definitely try it sometime.”

“You're grandmother definitely needs more grandkids.”

Oh the irony, the thought bitterly to himself.

At his feet the dog whimpered.

“You know there is this really pretty girl who works down at the corner store, I think she might do really good for you, a very down to earth girl. You could get promoted into a better paying desk job at the UNSC work 9-5 it would be a dream.”

Jeremy placed a hand on his shoulder, “Actually, Adam is more of an action guy, right Adam/”

Adam gave a weak smile, “Yeah.”

“Oh, he’ll grow out of that, besides you wouldn’t want to put a family under that kind of stress. It’s like you’re never home.”

“Space is my home.” He grumbled 

“Don’t be silly, humans weren’t meant for that sort of thing, besides your obsession was cute as a kid, but now that you’re older, you really need to start thinking about the future and having kids before you’re too old.”

He wanted to scream and bash his head against the wall.

“You know what though, how about that cute younger guy that works at the DMV, he looks about your age Adam.”

“I’m not interested in having a family right now!”

The room looked at him quietly, “You asexual or something?” Uncle Ben piped up awkwardly.

Adam felt his face go red, what kind of question was that? No, no uncle Ben I am not horny, or yes, yes uncle Ben I would love to find some hot person to plow just not right now.

And in front of the entire family?

Because he really wanted to have an extended discussion about his sex life with his entire extended family.

Waffles whimpered at his feet.

And then like an angel she descended from the sky to save him, either that or a billowing superhero cape like the saint she was. He couldn’t decide, angel or superhero, but decided on both.

Supermom, and part of her costume is angel wings and a halo.

“Adam why don’t you take waffles outside, she sounds a little nervous. Maybe take her out through the garage?”

He nodded and bolted to his feet like there were rockets firing from his ass, and hurried towards the door with the dog trailing at his heels.

Voices faded behind him, and he quickly hurried through the door and into the garage, where he found his dad sitting with Thomas on a set of lawn chairs drinking cold sodas and watching the clouds pass overhead.

They turned as they heard the door open.

“Adam! We didn’t know you were coming, pull up a chair.” 

He did so and unfolded it between the other two men sitting down as Thomas handed him a drink.

“They drive you off too?” Thomas grumbled 

Adam looked at his brother. Thomas was looking a little better than usual. His hair was only a little bit scruffy and his scraggly beard was at least trimmed. The tract marks in his arms had faded to pale scars on his arms.

“Yeah, uncle Ben asked about my love life in front of god and all his creatures. You?”

“Rehab. “

“I thought you were out of rehab.”

“I am, which is why I would rather not talk about it.”

“You doing good?”

“Yeah, got a stable job now, so that’s nice, go to meetings twice a week. One more month and I'll be six months sober.”

“Awesome, congrats.” He paused, “You know what, bet I could get you a job as a stuntman if you wanted.”

Thomas laughed, “Maybe I'll take you up on that. Once this job bores me to tears, which it will.”

“Did grandpa bring up LFIL.” Dad asked turning to look up at him

“You know he did.”

“He’s been meaning to ask you. He’s worried that spending so much time up in space has confused you.”

Adam snorted, “Don’t stargaze to long dad, the stars will make you extrial.”

“So that’s what dark matter is.” Thomas muttered and the three of them laughed. Waffles had climbed up on the chair with him and curled up on his legs to fall asleep.

“So what are you doing back here?” Dad wondered, “I thought you had just taken time off.”

He sighed, “Yeah… but things got complicated….” He paused, “Ever feel like no  matter what you try to do you keep failing at it.”

Thomas raised a hand “You mean my life.”

More laughter.

Then he got serious again, “Been so stressed lately that I can barely function as a person, has the UNSC questioning whether they should ground me or not. My friends set up an intervention, and it turns out that I am a raging control freak.”

“Could have told you that.”

“You got that from your mother.”

He glanced over at thomas, “What do you mean, could have guessed that?”

He shrugged, “Come on Adam, did you ever do anything you weren't sure you could do properly. Like riding a bike, or swimming, or how you threw a fit if we moved literally anything in your room, or how you had to have everything arranged on your plate before you ate it, or….”

“Yeah yeah ok. But I’m a fighter pilot, that's kind of not-”

“Yeah that is the most control freak job ever. You have to be in so much control that traveling at more than three times the speed of sound won’t kill you. Imagine the amount of control you need to fly in formation without killing everyone.”

“Alright I get it.” He grumbled.

“So what, you try to do everything yourself?” dad grunted 

He turned to look at the older man, “how did you know?”

“Every school project you ever worked on in a group, but you just ended up doing the entire thing.”

“I thought that’s just because the other kids were lazy and weren’t going to do their jobs.”

“Or because you wouldn’t let them and they just gave up on trying.” Dad responded 

Adam sighed and sunk back against his chair, “I had no idea.”

“Welcome to personal growth, how may we kick you in the balls.”

He sighed, ‘I just, how can I be a leader without losing my identity and becoming boring and stuffy. How can I still… I don’t know, be happy and have fun when I have a job like this…. Or am I just not meant for it.”

Dad waved a hand, “You were born for it, but you need to remember that while, most of the time, you can be friends with the people you work with sometimes you need to stop being their friend and be their commander, which entails doing some things that aren’t so friendly. At the end of the day it is a ship, so you have to make them and allow them to do their jobs, fun comes later.”

“How am I supposed to reduce the stress?”

He glanced at thomas who shook his head, “If I knew the answer to that, I wouldn’t be a recovering heroin addict.” 

“You just have to find something you love doing, and then take a little time every day to do that thing which you love. Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out.” 

He sighed and looked out at the deepening sky.

He really hoped so 

[stevetonygames]

Spotlight Post: Canon Soulmate Bonds

Yooo, this is a blog takeover, Mizzy here, ready to champion one of my favourite fictional causes: canonical soulbonds in the Marvel universe.

We all love a good soulbond fic. Words on your body, names on your wrist, red string of fate...so many glorious versions, and all of them *completely awesome*. The problem sometimes with starting a soulbond fic, though, can be all the worldbuilding required to make it work. But what if I was to tell you that no worldbuilding was necessary? That you could technically write a soulbond fic without having to set it in an Alternate Universe? What if you could set your soulbond fic *directly in main canon?*

Marvel 616 delivers you a canonical soulbond mechanic… not once… but at least *twice*. There could be more. There’s a lot of comics to go through and I’m only smol. But here’s the two I know about and I’m here to introduce you to today. :)

The was a ripple of mild confusion around fandom when Kevin Feige announced that the Eternals were getting a title movie in the next phase of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Created by Jack Kirby in the 1970s, in a wild combination of mythological fascination and spite at DC comics for not letting him finish his New Gods saga, the Eternals were an offshoot of humanity, created by the Celestials for humanity’s protection; this reason for their existence would lead them into their ongoing conflict against the deadly Deviants. There have been a few Eternals runs (notably one run by Neil Gaiman, which did not serve to bring the Eternals the commercial success Marvel was searching for with the title, that nevertheless remains the most fun and accessible Eternals volume), but they’ve not yet really reached wide-reaching traction among even the most die-hard comic fans. The MCU might change that, and here’s hoping, because I love these nearly-immortal idiots, and I’m hoping not to be alone in that for much longer. :D

But even my Eternals-happy soul has to admit, Eternals canon for the most part is dense and can be convoluted, and the spellings—both of their character names and one of the main fun parts of their existence, the Mahd W’yry—are enough to give one a headache. The idea of the Eternals is that they’re long-lived and have interacted with human history over the years in various impactful ways. You might think at first glance that you’ve never heard of the Eternals Sersi, Ikaris, Makkari, but I think you wouldn’t find Circe, Icarus, or Mercury unfamiliar names.

The Mahd W’yry is a symptom of the Eternals being so long-living. In order to stop them going insane, the Eternals have to bond into something known as the Uni-Mind, which basically squishes all their consciousnesses together into one, where they can share memories and blend temporarily into one mind. Regularly bonding into the Uni-Mind allows them to stave off the Mahd W’yry. (Yep, that’s just a headache-inducing spelling of ‘mad worry’, we know.)

Anyway, did you need to know all this? Eh, maybe, a little bit of canned backstory is always handy for you to briefly glance over and promptly forget. Because along with some dense mythological adventures, some glorious angsting across beautiful landscapes, and that ability to turn into a big massive floating brain, the Eternals also gave us a beautiful gift:

The Gann Josin.

In Avengers #361, Ikaris comes down to Earth and decides that Sersi needs to be bonded to Dane Whitman, an Avenger who canonically didn’t have any powers, he was just a *really good guy*, destined for tragedy. Honestly. That’s his bio. Really good guy. Destined for tragedy. The character creation in the 90s was peak talent. Dane, sadly, was in love with another woman, but did this matter to Ikaris? No. Apparently the Eternals don’t know about the dangers of letting himbos like Ikaris have life-changing powers, like the ability to create the Uni-Mind. 

Because the power to control the Uni-Mind also gives an Eternal the power to form a Gann Josin bond. And that’s what Ikaris does in Avengers #361—he forces a Gann Josin bond on Eternal Sersi and tragic human Avenger Dane Whitman.

Gann Josin (sometimes Gan-Josin because what is spelling continuity in Marvel comics) is both the name of the bond, and the title given to an Eternal and their chosen life-mate. It has a bunch of cool side effects. Both Gann Josins get glowing full-red eyes. It’s a really intimate tiny form of the Uni-Mind (without the part where you become a big floating brain), and creates a small scale mental union. The Gann Josin bond makes the Eternal and their partner lifelong soulmates. As the bond progresses, it creates a telepathic/empathic bond that strengthens in time. According to the Eternal Sprite, humans are rarely chosen by Eternals for the Gann Josin.

Now, Dane Whitman does manage to break the Gann Josin several issues later. But… it’s not easy. It’s rare. When Dane manages it, it is called an “astounding act.” It’s pretty dang hard, in other words. There’s every chance your chosen Gann Josins won’t have the mental fortitude of Dane Whitman to break it. (Although, we’re talking about Steve and Tony, and are there any bigger stubborn idiots in the universe? Probably not.)

But Mizzy, I hear you saying. I don’t want to write about Ikaris, even if he is a party king and that sounds pretty nifty. I don’t know anything about the Eternals and I don’t want to go down that gnarly rabbit hole.

That’s totes fine, my friend. I am here to save you. Because in very recent canon, during Jason Aaron’s turn at the helm, the Eternals are all dead. Very dead. That whole Mahd W’yry thing got ‘em, it got ‘em good. But before Ikaris died, he granted his Uni-Mind power to someone we all know and love.

Yep. Tony Stark. Tony Stark currently has the power of the Uni-Mind.

Which means that Tony Stark can now Gann Josin people.

In Avengers #361, Ikaris performs the Gann Josin by basically just pointing his hands at Sersi and Dane and some light goes WHEEEEEEE!! in their direction, and bam, this rare and special bond is done. And Tony Stark can do that now. To anyone! Unfortunately Ikaris is dead and didn’t leave Tony with an instruction manual. But the point is, he *can*. You can make up all sorts of fun things with this canonical fact (or write your own version because lbr Canon Is Dead; Long Live Canon.)

There are so many possibilities. Does Tony deliberately learn how to use it so he can bond himself to Steve? Does Tony *need* to be able to hear Steve’s thoughts (to thwart some bad guys) and thus end up soulbonded forever to Steve in result? Is Tony’s power activating at random because he can’t control it, and he ends up soulbonding everyone around him? Does he just subconsciously bond himself to Steve without consciously meaning to? Do Tony or Steve want to try it for science?

Gosh, I love comics.

But WAIT. There’s MORE.

It’s not just 1990s comics going ham on the soulbond idea. No, we got some *this year*. Canonical soulbonding? TWICE? In one universe? Two different kinds??

And this time, it’s not in a D-list Marvel title. We’re up the ranks to the big leagues this time, folx, with a brief trek to the world of the Fantastic Four.

In Fantastic Four (Vol. 6) #15, we’re introduced to a Spyre citizen called Sky, a winged team member of the Unparalleled (more cosmic-powered superheroes), who work under The Overseer. (The Overseer, in a burst of beautiful retcon in the way Marvel comics keeps doing to us, is apparently the entity who is responsible for giving the F4 their powers. Huh. The more you know.)

On the planet Spyre, all children are brought before something called The Great Eye. This measures them against the radiation signature of everyone on the planet, divining who their perfect match is. 

Sky looked into The Great Eye, only to find out her match was Johnny Storm, who was 44 light-years away at the time. Long-distance relationships can be tough. Anyway, plot happens, the F4 get stuck on Spyre, get told they can’t leave, and Sky tells Johnny Storm that she is his soulmate. Oh, and she attached a soul binding onto him while he slept. Neat, huh, all the bodily autonomy people get in this universe before being force soulbond to people? So neat, much consent, wow.

Johnny feels a connection to Sky, which is supposed to let us know this lack of choice is a good thing I guess. The Overseer wants Sky to renounce Johnny and crush the F4 which obv doesn’t happen, so of course she leaves The Unparalleled and skips off to Earth to be with Johnny. 

Who knows how this relationship is gonna last. I mean, you can look at the rest of Johnny’s relationship history and have a good guess. Who knows. Anyway, Reed and Sue are each other's soulmate, and also share a “Soul Binding”, so there’s some canonical proof right there that maybe this system has some validity going for it.

The soulbond for this form takes the form of a golden bracelet worn on the upper arm, that Sky explains her people call a “Soul Binding”; it represents them as being soul-mates. This bracelet can only be removed by your soulmate. This soulbond doesn’t seem to come with any extra powers, it’s just to show that The Great Eye has measured their radiation signature and declared them a match that is supposed to mean they’re perfectly compatible in every way: spiritually, mentally, and physically.

I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty good feeling that Steve and Tony might just have matching radiation signatures… Or what if Steve and Tony have perfect matching signatures….with other people? (Someone else on Spyre believes Sky is *their* perfect match, after all!) What if Steve has feelings for Iron Man, but he’s a perfect match with Tony Stark? I feel faint already just thinking about it.

So here you go. Two canonical types of soulbonds for your fannish consideration. Feel free to ask me questions! You can find me on tumblr (@mizzy2k) or on discord (addy#0908).

[oboevallis]

Hey! Wondering if u could write something related to this season with Amelink, the baby, Maggie, the kids, idk or maybe link goes to work and all the kids give Amelia hell and drive her crazy and the baby cries a lot

week 1

thank you so much for the prompt! im considering maybe doing a mini series on this, because im really living for domestic amelin, and i also didn’t do everything in the prompt also part 2 to baby blues will be out soon

"Auntie Amelia when is mommy going to be home?" Bailey asked as his aunt tucked him in.

"We talked about this the other day remember? Your mom has to help people at the hospital, but she can't come home because she may get us sick. So she's going to stay at a hotel. I promise first thing tomorrow you can FaceTime her."

"Okay, but why can't she come home to see us. I won't get sick."

"There's something called a pandemic going on right now, and basically that's a sickness that spreads really really quickly. And since your moms at the hospital all the time working with people who have the sickness it isn't safe for her to see us." Amelia wanted to cry when she saw the tears welling up in her nephews eyes.

"You don't do anything right though. You don't tuck me in right, and you don't make sandwiches right, and you don't play cars right either. Actually you don't play with me at all like you used to." Bailey ranted before he took his covers and pulled them over his head. Amelia tried to reach out to him only for him to turn away from her. She wasn't sure how she was going to handle this, it had barely been a week since lockdown begun.

"Good night Bailey, I love you." Amelia reassured as she closed the door behind her. She walked down the attic stairs to find Link putting the covers over Ellis while she laid on Merediths bed, for the past couple of nights she's refused to sleep unless it was in her mothers bed. She was pulled out of her moment of serenity from her baby's cries, she sighed and made her way to Maggie's room. They put his crib in there for the time being as it was the closest to their room.

"What's the matter my sweet boy?" Amelia picked up the crying baby from his crib. She sat down on Maggie's bed and cradled her son, resulting in her sons cries to subside. "Someone just wanted their mommy huh?"

"Auntie Amelia?" Zola's voice startled her aunt causing her to gasp. "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's okay ZoZo, everything okay?" The girl just nodded and crawled into the bed next to her aunt.

"Is Scout okay?"

"Yeah, he's just fine. I think he just wanted some attention."

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" The question took Amelia aback, she expected it from her younger niece and nephew but not from Zola. She sometimes forgot she was still a kid and not a teenager. She'd always acted mature for her age.

"Sure ZoZo. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just miss my mom. When I'm scared I always sleep with her."

"Why are you scared ZoZo?" Amelia knew it was a dumb question, she was scared herself. But it broke her heart her niece was as well.

"This sickness must be really bad if we can't go to school, or see friends, or see auntie Maggie and mommy."

"We're taking precautions, we wear out masks if we were to go out, we're quarantining. At the hospital your mom and aunt Maggie wear something called PPE, and they social distance and they constantly are washing their hands."

"So they won't get it?" Zola worriedly asked. Amelia didn't want to lie but she also didn't want her niece to be constantly worried.

"They're taking precautions ZoZo."

"Will you and Link be going to the hospital?"

"Well, not right now we're on something called maternity leave. That's when you have time off of work after you have a baby. So we'll be home for awhile and then we'll see what we should do. Don't be worried about this though, ZoZo. How about you go change into your pjs and brush your teeth, then you can go into my room and get to sleep that sound good?"

"That sounds good." Zola softly smiled as she jumped off the bed. Amelia sighed once her niece left the room, and turned her attrition to her baby.

"You are very adorable, but you need to sleep. You don't seem to like sleep very much though." She whispered as she placed the drowsy baby into his crib.

______________________________________

"Auntie Amelia your phones ringing." Zola yelled from the living room the next morning.

"Who is it?" Amelia asked, she was in the side room trying to help Bailey log onto a zoom meeting.

"Someone named Addison."

"Can you try to help Bailey log on? And bring my phone in here please." Zola skipped into the room and handed her aunt her phone, and took her seat at the computer. Amelia ran up the stairs and shut the bathroom door behind her, before Ellis realized she was up here. She sat in the bathtub and swiped the call on.

"Oh wow you look terrible." Addison commented, as her screen popped up with the face of her exhausted friend.

"Why thank you."

"Sorry, how are you holding up?"

"I'm alright, how are you doing?"

"I'm okay, I just have never lost this many patients before."

"I can't even imagine, I hear it's really bad."

"Yeah it really is. So have you decided if your going back to work after your maternity leave?"

"I have no idea, I mean they desperately need doctors. But what happens to Scout and the kids. We can't leave them with a babysitter, because of quarantine. I don't know, I'm just kind of taking it a day at a time."

"That's okay, that's all we can really do. Take it a day at a time. How's the baby doing?"

"Oh he's really good." Amelia lit up at the mention of her baby. "I'm basically with him all the time, so Link is stuck with the other kids so I can't really complain."

"Link must be having the time of his life." Addison sarcastically laughed.

"Yea, he's never really dealt with kids before. At least not to this extent, the most he'd interact with a child before is if he had to do surgery on one." Knocking on the bathroom door took her out of her moment of serenity talk to her friend.

"Auntie Amelia, we still can't get Bailey into his zoom." Zola's voice came from the outside of the door.

"Crap, I've got to go Addie. Stay safe."

"You too." Amelia set her phone down on the edge of the tub, and hoisted herself up.

"You still can't get in?" Amelia asked once she opened the door.

"Nope, I tried everything."

"Alright I'll try and take a look at it." Amelia sighed, and went down the stairs to the room they've now dedicated to school. "Still can't get it?"

"No, so does that mean I don't have to do it?" Bailey hopefully asked.

"No your still going to have to do it. You know what I'll email your teacher, and tell her what's going on."

"Alright, I'm gonna go play." Bailey said quickly while running my out of the room.

"No, Bailey get back here." She called after her nephew, only for him to ignore her. She sighed and held her head in her hands. "Okay, ZoZo did you finish your school work yet?"

"Yep!"

"Okay, go play with Bailey then." She opened up Meredith's email, so she could contact Baileys teacher about the issue with the video call. Once she composed the email and sent it, she scrolled through the other emails. She noticed one from Zola's teacher and opened.  Zola had 8 missing assignments, Amelia felt like crying and screaming. She already knew they were going to be up all night trying to catch her up, she wanted to be mad but she couldn't. This was nothing like her niece, she was obviously struggling with the quarantine.

"Hey the kids are done with school already?" Link asked as he came into the room.

"No, Bailey can't log on. And Zola's been lying to my face about completing her homework. I also have no idea what Ellis is supposed to be doing." Amelia choked out before she started crying.

"Oh, don't cry." Link walked further into the room and spun Amelia around in the spiny chair before wrapping his arms around her. “It's going to be okay. We'll figure it out. How about we sit everyone down, and come up with a game plan. We haven't sat down and organized how this is going to be."

"Okay." Amelia smiled slightly wiping away her tears. She spun around in the chair to face back towards the computer. She was going to write down all the children's assignments and figure the times that the teachers held their video calls.

______________________________________

"Okay do your Aunt Amelia and I wanted to talk to you guys." Link said as he placed down the kids plates in front of them.

"About what?" Zola asked curiously.

"Well we know that right now, everything's all messed up and kind of scary. But we still have to have a routine and make sure our school works getting done." Amelia said as she adjusted her shirt so her son could eat.

"So what does that mean." Zola asked before she messily slurped up her spaghetti.

"Well for starters we're gonna go to bed on time, and we'll wake up around 7 so we can get ready for the day before we start school." Link stated once he sat down at the kitchen table with everyone.

"So Bailey and Ellis you have two zoom calls everyday. At 8 and at 10, so Bailey you'll be in the side room and Ellis we'll set you up in the living room. Zola you have four calls so you'll be in the kitchen-"Zola interrupted before Amelia could finish her statement.

"Wait why do I have more calls then them, thats not really fair."

"Since your older you have more classes than they do. Back to what I was saying, we'll all have lunch together and then we can play for a little bit but then back to school. After everyone's done you can play or watch a movie then we'll have dinner and go to sleep. How does that sound?" Amelia asked, the couple realistically knew that this plan would probably never happen but they wanted to try to let the kids have a predictable routine everyday.

"Sounds fair." Bailey said and the two girls nodded in agreement. "Soooooo, can we watch a movie tonight?"

"Not tonight bud." Link said, causing sighs from all three children. After everyone was done with dinner Zola helped Link clear the table while Amelia put the baby to bed. "So you've got some missing assignments."

"Oh." Zola felt embarrassed. "I didn't know you knew about that."

"I do. Tonight me and your Aunt Amelia are going to help you with it, so you don't get further behind. Is that alright?"

"I guess so." Zola sighed. "It's just confusing, I like it better when it's on paper not the computer."

"Okay, so we'll sit down and figure it out. It's going to be okay."

"Thanks Link." Zola smiled kindly. "Sorry I lied, to Auntie Amelia about completing my work."

"Just don't do it again, next time just ask for help. Nothing gets better if you don't ask fo help." Link smiled.

[iraacundus]

Circus

PART ONE - SEQUAL

(in part one they use the name addie to refer to you as that is your circus character)

Reader x Jaehyun ft reader x doyoung

genre: angst, smut, fluff words: 15.8K warnings: sex, mentions of alcaholism, swearing

what you leave behind doesn't matter your past is irrelevant at the circus 

You let go of the trapeze and dropped to the ground gracefully. Your arms stung slightly as you dipped your hands in the chalk preparing to jump back up. A friend of yours, Johnny, who often held the rope in your practices, frowned.

"You should take a break!" He called out to you as you rose higher and higher into the air. "You have been doing this for four hours straight Addie," he tried to reason with you. Instead of listening, you ignored him as you continued to slip your foot around the rope and let your body swing backwards.

Your arms did hurt and you were supposed to have stopped hours ago, according to regulations. But you couldn't bring yourself to get down. There was no performance for another two weeks, you had nothing else to do but practice.

The circus was training in the middle of nowhere at the moment so it wasn't as if you could take a second to go and do something of vague normality. You were trapped in the circus doing nothing, so you felt you should at least spend that time doing the one thing you really loved.

As the trapeze swung forward and back, you began to gain momentum, eventually acquiring enough power to push your body into the air, summersault and catch the metal bar in the middle of the tent. You swung your legs around to sit in the most comfortable way. You looked down to call out to Johnny when you saw the Ringmaster walking into the tent.

"Adeline," He shouted up to you, as he moved into the centre of the ring. You immediately stood up and jumped to grab the rope enabling Johnny to lower you to the ground.

You sprang off the rope, landing gently on your feet and curtsying before the Ringmaster.

"Beautiful as always," he told you. "Adeline, I wish to speak to you for a moment, about a rather important matter," You untied the safety wire from your waist and Johnny took this as his cue to leave. The Ringmaster nodded to him as he left.

Once Johnny had left the tent, the Ringmaster turned back to you with his signature sad smile. You waited in nervous anticipation of what he had to say, not a lot of the things he told you were so great these days.

You followed the Ringmaster as he went to sit in the stands that had curiously been put out despite there not having been a show for a considerable while. He turned to face you and you held in a breath.

"You understand better than anyone Adeline, that people come to the circus, often to get away from things. Of course, most people love what they do here but a love of performing is hardly ever the sole reason for joining a company such as this."

What he said was true, you had only ever met one person over the years who had joined the circus purely because he loved his art and wanted to share it with other people. He hadn't lasted long in the circus though, it was a place where someone needed more than just a naive passion.

"As it happens, my nephew has been needing of a fresh start and after Archibald left and you have been in needing of a new partner," The Ringmaster said, interrupting your thoughts.

At his words, an excitement rose in your chest. After Archibald left your act had been missing something. The trapeze was best as a double act, it was the trust that two acrobats had in each other that made it all the more amazing.

"He is a young strong lad, around your age, but I am afraid he has no knowledge of the circus or its acts. I think I could safely assume he has never seen a trapeze before in his life,"

You sighed deeply, the circus was dangerous enough without an untrained boy hanging from a trapeze, your circus knew that better than anyone

"With all due respect sir, if he isn't a circus person, how is he meant to be my trapeze partner?" you inquired.

"Well I was hoping you could teach him..." the Ringmaster told you. You were struggling to keep a look of disdain from befalling your face.

"I wouldn't ask you if it wasn't important, you are one of my most trusted performers and I really need you to do this for me, the circus did amazing things for you I hope, I need you to help it do amazing things for my nephew too."

You gave the Ringmaster a small smile. You had a strong belief in repaying those who had given something to you, the circus had given you a real life.

"So when is he coming?"

— • — • — • —

The air was distinctly cold as you stared down the sole dirt track that led to the circus field. The Ringmaster's nephew was meant to have arrived over twenty minutes ago. Usually, you wouldn't have minded waiting but this time, the anticipation was killing you.

Quite a lot of importance rested on this boy being able to work well with you and learn the art of the trapeze.

You did a handstand on the grass as you waited for some sort of vehicle to appear. You walked back and forth on your hands, seeing how fast you could go. You became distracted by this that you almost missed the sound of car wheels on the dirt track.

The sound of car breaks and a door slamming snapped you back to the present moment and you returned your feet to the floor, standing upright.

You were faced with the sight of a boy close to your age, he wasn't what you had expected but he looked strong. His lips formed a firm line across his face as he clutched two cases in each of his hands tightly. His knuckles were white with pressure.

He didn't make any motion towards you so you plastered a smile on your face and ran over, mostly because you wanted to impress the Ringmaster but also because you knew how scary first days could be.

"Hello there," you waved to him, "you must be the Ringmaster's nephew?" You said, taking one of the suitcases from his hands. The boy only nodded in reply causing his dyed blonde hair to fall in front of his eyes.

"I don't know how much you have been told, but I'm Adeline, your new trapeze partner, it's not my real name but real names aren't important here."

"I'm Jung Jaehyun," he replied simply. After a few seconds when he hadn't made any further statements, you decided to move on.

"Well Jaehyun, welcome to the circus, I hope you find what you're looking for here." You gave him one more small smile before continuing. "Follow me this way, I can show you where you will live."

You took off in a brisk walk toward the trailers. The awkwardness was tangible and you wanted the interaction to be over as quickly as possible. You didn't need to be his best friend, you reminded yourself, you just needed to be sure he was a good partner.

Jaehyun managed to match your pace as you speed walked. He didn't make any additional remarks.

You slowed to a halt next to where three trailers sat next to each other. One was yours, one was Johnny’s and the other was Haechan’s and now also Jaehyun’s.

"You are in the third one just here, you have a roommate named Haechan, we find it helps for new people to share with an experienced member of the circus. Haechan is one of our greatest acrobatic clowns. You will never be bored when he’s around." You explained to Jaehyun as you set his bag down outside the trailer.

"You have your own kitchen in there and everything but there is a large dinner made in the communal tent every night except Mondays. Everything else Haechan will probably explain... we will start training at six am tomorrow, I'll give you a lie-in," you winked at him.

For the first time since he had arrived, Jaehyun gave a visible reaction. His eyebrows raised in shock.

"What time constitutes as normal then?" He questioned.

You shrugged your shoulders.

"Not sure, I usually train from about five when we haven't had a show the night before."

Jaehyun gawped, he almost said something but seemed to swallow his words.

At that moment Haechan jumped out of the trailer door waving at you both with his signature grin.

"Hey, Adeline! I see my new roommate is here," he motioned Jaehyun towards him.

"Come on inside, I'm Haechan if Addie didn't already tell you."

Jaehyun looked between you and Haechan, he looked as if he was thinking very hard about something.

Haechan shot you a questioning look, you attempted to convey through gestures that you had no idea what was happening. You shrugged in reply.

"Hey, dude are you coming in or what?" Haechan prompted. "I'm sure you will wanna get settled before dinner."

Jaehyun looked up at him suddenly and dragged his bags back up off the ground, heading up the steps into the trailer.

"Bye Jaehyun!" You called out to him, but you never got a reply. The trailer door shut and you were left outside alone.

You sighed before skipping over and opening the door to your own trailer and going inside. Jaehyun seemed rude. There was no other way to put it, you hoped that maybe he was just nervous.

You glanced at the clock that lay on your counter, it was five fifteen. That gave you about ten minutes before dinner.

You untied your hair from the plait it was currently in and put a jumper over the top of your outfit. Lifting the blind of your window, you peeked to see if you could spot the two roommates.

For a minute or so there was no one about until eventually, you saw Haechan come bouncing out of the door with a melancholy Jaehyun shuffling behind.

You reached for your phone and headed out. Someone had to rescue Haechan from a ten-minute walk with Jaehyun alone.

"What's up, guys?" You called to them, jogging over.

"Not a lot, I'm just explaining stuff," Hoseok told you. You nodded and fell into place beside them.

The usually short walk felt like it took aeons. You tried to have a normal conversation with Haechan but it was excruciating with Jaehyun sulking behind you both.

“What the fuck is up with that guy?” Haechan whispered to you, though you doubted Jaehyun was listening anyway, “I get people who come here are a bit out of the ordinary but he hasn’t said a single word to me,”

“Just ignore him, I’m more fun to talk to anyway,” you said, nudging Haechan lightly in the shoulder.

Finally, you reached the main tent, it was already full of people. You spotted Johnny's brown hair as he sat down with a few other friends of yours. You quickly steered Jaehyun towards the food and grabbed some.

You made it to the table of people as quickly as possible. If Haechan was finding it hard to talk to him then it must be near impossible. Haechan could talk to anyone about anything and make it fun, it was a talent.

Jaehyun sat at the other end of the table to where you sunk down next to Johnny.

"How's the Ringmaster's nephew then?" Johnny inquired. You shook your head, exasperated.

"He is hopeless. He has been at the circus what... an hour? He is impossible to talk to and he is just so miserable, John. I'm honestly at a loss already."

Johnny smiled at you.

"Don't give up yet Adeline. I'm sure he just needs time to settle in," he suggested.

"If he works badly too, I think I will have to find a new circus," you said, “I’m not sure why I’m staying at this run down place anyway.”

Johnny shook his head, "You would never leave me. Jaehyun will get better I'm sure."

You glanced down at where Jaehyun stared blankly into his pasta, you hadn't seen someone so dejected in a long time. Not since Doyoung.

— • — • — • —

"Welcome to the circus tent!" You announced as brightly as you could when it was six am and your new partner looked like he wanted to die.

Jaehyun, predictably, didn't reply. To some, this may have been discouraging, but you were determined to make the situation work, however difficult it was set up to be.

Johnny had also woken up early to help you, he was sitting around the edge of the tent tying the ropes tightly. You walked over to him, leaving Jaehyun alone momentarily, and sat down by Johnny.

"You know we didn't need you to come right?" You asked him, "not that I don't appreciate your lovely presence,"

Johnny chuckled, "my lovely presence is why I'm here, didn't want to leave you alone with old smiley over there," he nodded towards Jaehyun. "I felt as if not even you, deserved that,"

"You're actually the best," you smiled at him, giving him a quick hug before running back over to Jaehyun, who was staring impatiently at you.

You gave Johnny a thumbs up and he raised the two trapeze bars so that you could just reach the bar if you did a small jump.

"Okay Jaehyun, first I just need to see how strong you are so can you just see if you can hang from the trapeze," you told him. He immediately followed your instruction and jumped up to hold it.

He stayed like that for about three minutes whilst you went to find some tape and when you got back he didn't even look tired, you were vaguely impressed. It was the good start you had hoped for.

"Okay, now can you let go with one arm?" You asked him. Jaehyun promptly let go and even began to do pull-ups with his one arm.

"I could hang like this for hours, don't worry," he said suddenly. You had been dragging a mat to where you wanted it when you heard him. You really hadn't expected him to speak.

"Um .. okay that's great, maybe we can test some other skills then?" You said to him. He nodded and dropped down.

"Do you have any gymnastic ability?" You asked him. To which he shook his head.

"I can do a handstand, and walk, you know like what you did as you waited for me to arrive," he explained, "and a forward roll but that's about it."

You blushed when you realised he had been watching you while he waited.

"Ah yeah, that... roughly how many sit-ups can you do?" You asked him, trying to not get ahead of yourself.

"Last time I checked around a hundred.." You were starting to feel more confident.

"You know your uncle wasn't lying when he said he was giving me someone well capable of the job." You said, shooting a confused glance to Johnny who had been intently listing to what was going on, as you were unsure of what you should do.

"Maybe I could show you some basic moves, we can start low down with the mat underneath," you suggested, Jaehyun gave his signature nod, his lips still resting in a firm line.

You both held on to the bar and gave Johnny a signal and he lifted the trapezes up so that when you hung your legs were a metre off the ground,

"You good?" You asked Jaehyun whose expression was indecipherable, but he certainly didn't seem nervous and you decided if he was nervous he was definitely great at hiding things. Another quality that would do him well at the circus.

"I'm fine," he said curtly.

"Usually we don't ascend this way but I needed to to get you to do this..."

You proceeded to lift your self up gracefully and sit on the trapeze like a swing. Jaehyun watched your movement carefully and followed suit.

Words were not achieving anything in regards to your new trainee, so you gave up using them. Instead just moving as you normally would, hoping Jaehyun would follow.

You let yourself fall backwards so that you were hanging mid-air. Something that always made you smile. It was thrilling. You made sure to check Jaehyun hadn't fallen and died yet and you were happy to confirm he was still managing to follow your every action.

You jumped down from the trapeze and waited for Jaehyun to follow before sitting down on the mat.

"You're really good at this," you said, turning to face him. "I have never seen someone able to perform trapeze so naturally before not even the old Archie."

Archie was the name of your trapeze partner no matter who it was - Adeline and Archibald - that was the name of the trapeze duo.

"We have a show in two weeks and I reckon you could learn part of the joint routine by then as long as we practise enough." You told him. Jaehyun didn't seem to have any reaction to this apart from shrugging his shoulders. A habit of his combined with the nodding that was starting to get on your nerves.

Circus folk were often loud by nature and so someone so quiet made it difficult to communicate and your act required trust which required absolute communication.

— • — • — • —

"I don't know how I am meant to trust him with my life if he hasn't even said more than about ten words to me," you complained to Haechan over breakfast the next day.

"I understand but I mean... you don't have much of a choice, Adeline and Archie is our most popular act and ever since Yuta left our ticket sales have been down. We were already in trouble and now we are really screwed."

You tapped your spoon against the table nervously. Nothing Haechan had said was exactly news to you, but it reminded you of the importance of making Jaehyun into a top-class performer.

"You guys probably won't ever be friends because he doesn't present himself as very likeable, and I try to like everyone, but according to what Johnny was telling me last night he has talent. If you can't trust him, trust his skill."

You were slightly consoled by this idea. If you trained him well enough he wouldn't drop you, it would be fine. You just had to make the best of a bad situation.

You put your spoon back into your bowl and placed it into Haechan's sink. Thanking him for offering to wash up before running out of the trailer to find Jaehyun. He had left as soon as you had entered to have breakfast with Haechan.

You found him sitting on the side of the tent watching a video on his phone. You weren't sure if you were mad or thankful that he hadn't tried to practice by himself.

You walked over to stand behind him, peering over his shoulder to see what he was watching. To your surprise, it was a video of trapeze artists. It was a famous routine by the circ du Soleil, one of your favourites actually. You swung your legs over the bench so you were sitting beside Jaehyun.

"I wish I could perform that one day," you announced.

Jaehyun took his headphones out and stared up at you.

"It's so amazing, so many people with so much trust in each other, it's so intricate - beautiful,"

He put the phone down on the bench and got up, jumping over the benches until he stood in the middle of the tent.

"I stayed up watching a video of your trapeze act all night, it was the only one I could find online but I'm sure I memorised most of it." He told you.

"Did the video say which routine it was?" You would have to see that the video got taken down but you were impressed Jaehyun was taking it so seriously. "If you want to see more, I'm sure Haechan has videos of most of my routines."

"It was called nox periculosa," he said with what was the hint of a smile."

Nox periculosa was one of your hardest routines, you hadn't performed it in about two years. It meant dangerous night in Latin and dangerous it was. It was the reason Doyoung had quit performing and Yuta had left for another circus.

"That's a shame," you said quietly, "there's no way we can perform that one."

Jaehyun looked up at you, eyes narrowing at your sudden change in demeanour.

"It's an impossible routine for even the best of trapeze artists and besides... we don't have three people. Doyoung doesn't perform trapeze anymore. I'm sorry you spent so much time learning it."

You racked your brain for another routine he could learn that was similar so that his efforts hadn't been for nothing.

"Whose Doyoung?" Jaehyun asked suddenly as you were lost in thought, "I don't think I have met him yet."

You stared down at your feet with a sad smile, "he was the most talented trapeze artist I have ever seen, but now he just sits around all day, works the box office sometimes, makes candy floss. He doesn't talk much anymore, kinda like you. Maybe you guys would get on." You joked half-heartedly.

"He came to us at fifteen, he literally has nothing else but this circus, so the Ringmaster would never ask him to leave even though the circus is struggling so badly."

Jaehyun looked confused.

"Why would he have to leave?"

"Doyoung is not the same as he used to be. He was always troubled, he has a lot of sadness.. just now he drowns that sadness with anger that comes from the bottom of a vodka bottle, not with trapeze."

You look up and smile past whatever you felt on the inside.

"Don't worry about it, we just can't perform nox periculosa. If we go find Haechan now I'm sure he will have the videos.. we can pick another routine to learn."

Jaehyun nodded.

"I'm sorry about Doyoung," he said as you walked out of the main tent and trekked across the faded grass.

"Don't be... This is a 3rd rate circus, everyone's fucked up here, I'm sure you know that just as well as I do - I'm very sure you didn't come here because you really wanted to learn trapeze."

He shrugged.

"I guess that's fair."

— • — • — • —

You spent hours watching the videos until Jaehyun pointed his finger at the screen.

"That one. We should learn that one."

You looked up from the bracelet you had been fiddling with on your wrist and glanced at the screen. You mentally screamed. Jaehyun didn't seem to make things particularly easy.

"You like a challenge do you?" Haechan asked him. You had asked Jaehyun to pick two routines to learn with you and both of the ones he had picked were insanely hard. Technically doable but still really hard. Especially the second one.

un choros in luci - a dance in the light

In all honesty, it was one of your favourites to perform but that was because it was so dangerous. The pure airtime of it made you feel free.

"I hope you like practice Jaehyun, because if you want to perform luci then we will need a lot of it.

Jaehyun shrugged again. His nonchalant attitude annoyed you slightly, he had no idea of the hell you were about to put him through.

"Do you own any leggings?" you asked him as you both got up. He shook his head.

"Well you're gonna need to get some, you know, aerodynamics and all," Haechan handed him a memory stick with the two performances on.

"Um from where?" Jaehyun inquired about the leggings as he took the drive from Haechan.

"I'm sure Maddie will be able to find you some at the costume tent. She's my aerial hoop partner, Madeline and Adeline. Budget cuts you know. She is also in charge of costume allocation so pop down to our trailer and she will take you to find some." You explained.

"You do more than one act?" Jaehyun asked surprised.

"Most people do here, as Addie said, budget cuts. For example, I am a part of the clown act but I am also in charge of the Teeterboard performance - acrobatic seesaw, you know." Haechan said, clearly proud of himself.

You could clearly see that Jaehyun had no idea what that was but he would probably learn at some point, most of the young men did because of the more people for that act the better.

"If the Ringmaster ever sees you do a flip he will have you on the acrobatic seesaw faster than you can say somersault so be careful."

Jaehyun nodded again before getting up and leaving, presumably to go find Maddie.

"Don't forget to learn one of the routines!" You shouted at him.

Haechan looked over at you with a discerning gaze.

"How is he meant to learn a routine from watching a video."

"He probably can't but I want to see how much he can pick up already," you explained. You looked over at the clock on the wall of the caravan.

"Damn," Haechan looked over. "We're late for the tightrope practice."

— • — • — • —

The circus had fallen on hard times but it was still one of the largest circuses around. You had a lot of young people join just never quite ones with the skills needed for the big acts. Jaehyun seemed to be the exception.

The tightrope team had a lot of these kids. Only sixteen or seventeen. Most of them just juggled off the side of the ladder but for safety reasons you always watched the practices anyway.

"If Mark lives to be thirty I will be surprised," Haechan whispered to you as Mark stood on the rope waving at you both.

He was amazing at tightrope walking, no one could say any different, he was just very excitable and so sometimes you feared for his life. Tightrope was better for those with a calm disposition. Not a bunch of kids and a very happy twenty-something-year-old.

You watched intently as the kids followed up behind Mark to start the routine. It was getting better the routine for sure but the only thing that really caught your eye was a man sitting at the back of the ring. He too was watching the performance.

You tapped Haechan on the shoulder vigorously,

"Oww!" He complained in mock annoyance before his eyes tracked to where you were pointing.

Sitting in the very back row watching was him.

It was Doyoung.

You hadn't physically seen Doyoung with your own eyes for about three weeks now. You had it on a good authority that he only went out in the dead of night these days and even then only to get essentials.

"Fucking hell," Haechan exclaimed, "he looks terrible even from here."

You gave him a pointed look.

"He sits inside a caravan drinking all day and all night like how did you think he was gonna look?," Johnny announced in a matter of fact way as he sat down beside you, the sadness evident in his eyes.

"Do we say something?" You asked, "do we go over?"

Haechan shook his head.

"You would scare him back inside the caravan. He doesn't like talking."

It took much restraint on your half not to go over and beat some sense into him. You didn't care how he felt at this point. Doyoung had gone too far.

"Hey losers!" Your head snapped round to the shout, "you're not even watching and this is a good part- uh-oh" Mark glanced over to where you had all been staring.

"Oh Doyoung, I didn't know you were coming outside again! It's good to see you,"

Haechan and Johnny facepalmed in sync at Mark's comment because as predicted as soon as Doyoung was acknowledged he got up to leave.

"Wait Doyoung! Don't leave!" Mark shouted suddenly frowning, his shouts were pointless, Doyoung had already made a fast exit out of the back door.

You stood up. Someone had to speak to him. You jumped over the benches and ran round the tent looking around desperately for Doyoung.

Instead, the only person you could see was Jaehyun.

"JAEHYUN!" You screamed out to him. "Did you see which way Doyoung went?"

Jaehyun shook his head.

"I have never met him, therefore I don't know what he looks like."

You had forgotten Jaehyun had only been here a short time, in which Doyoung hadn't appeared even once.

"Um, like early twenties, tall, dark hair, glasses, wore a red sweatshirt, cute face." You described him.

"Cute face..? Whatever um.. he went that way," Jaehyun said pointing towards his and Haechan's caravan.

"Thank you," you replied, your feet already beginning to run in that direction. It was only a short distance and so before you knew it you had thrown the door to the caravan open and were faced with Doyoung standing by Haechan's cabinet.

"Addie."

"What the fuck are you doing?" You asked him, a dumb question seeing as he was obviously holding a bottle behind his back. "Are you seriously trying to hide the fact you just stole vodka out of Hobi's fridge?"

You could see the shame in Doyoung's eyes... just about, he looked so tired almost all emotion was lost.

"No one has seen you in weeks, why? Just why Doyoung? I know you were bad but this... this is worse. You're stealing from someone who used to be one of your best friends."

"Get lost, Addie."

You darted forward, reaching for the bottle, trying desperately to get the bottle away from him, but his grip was like iron.

At that moment Jaehyun stepped into the caravan looking most confused. He didn't say anything, just stood in the doorway.

"Who's that guy?" Doyoung asked.

"Jaehyun, he's my new partner, Jaehyun meet... Doyoung."

If Jaehyun had been quiet before it was nothing compared to now. Right now the silence he gave was deafening.

"Jaehyun, I know this is your caravan but could you give us a moment?" You asked and Jaehyun didn't seem to need to be told twice as he bolted out of the door.

"Doyoung give me the bottle," you said.

Doyoung shook his head. "I need it," his voice sounded so desperate you just wanted to cry.

"Why do you need it Doyoung why? You know we all love you, even now?"

"You just don't get it, Addie, it's not about you or anyone. It's about me." He placed his hand around your wrist harshly and pulled it off the bottle.

You pulled your other hand up to your wrist and sighed as Doyoung pushed past you and out the door. You didn't go after him because you knew that you couldn't help people who didn't want to be helped.

You sat down on their sofa dejectedly and held your arm to your chest. You heard the door swing open as Jaehyun came back into the room. You didn't really acknowledge him, you didn't have the energy for Jaehyun right now.

Jaehyun didn't bother you, he just grabbed his phone before leaving again. He gave you a quick glance but nothing more.

- • - • - • -

"What happened to your arm?" Haechan asked you worriedly as you sat down at dinner. He knew who had done it because it was obvious but it was as if saying it out loud made it worse

"Was anyone else there?" Johnny said. You shook your head. You had agreed to protect Doyoung after it happened. That involved covering it up to the rest of the circus just how bad it was.

"Well Jaehyun came in while we were fighting, then left then came back in after." You said.

Johnny threw his hands in the air.

"In what world does that classify as nobody which is what you implied with your head shake."

"Jaehyun doesn't count, he only ever talks to me and Haechan and he barely even speaks to us," you reasoned.

"I hope you're right if the Ringmaster new he was getting violent then.. he would be out."

"He didn't hit me or anything," you jumped in to defend him, you weren't sure why, out of habit maybe. You knew that wasn't the real reason though.

"He just pulled my arm away from the vodka a bit to... firmly."

"Like that is any better, stop defending him to me, Addie,"

"I can't help it, I ... I still," I still love him, you thought, you just couldn't say it.

Jaehyun shoved his plate down next to yours.

"You good?" Johnny asked him.

"Fine," Jaehyun replied though this clearly wasn't the case.

"Well if you’re good can I ask you a favour?" Johnny asked him. Jaehyun didn't reply which Johnny took as a cue to continue.

"Anything you saw today with Doyoung. Don't talk to anyone about it. I know it can seem bad but we can't just let him go so... No one can find out about how he is."

Jaehyun looked up surprised.

"I didn't see anything." He said with a small smile.

"Thank you," you say turning to him. "He wasn't always like this, I just want you to know."

"I'm sure he wasn't and don't worry I won't snitch, just don't let him hurt you again, doesn't matter what the fuck happened to him, that's not okay."

- • - • - • -

"So we are ready for the final stage now, probably the hardest one though," you explained.

"We need to work together, something that can be hard when you don't know people too well."

You sat on the trapeze as it went upwards and Jaehyun did the same.

"You need to do what you did before but this time, catch me. I'm going to swing flip and jump. You just need to catch my arms as I come down. Haechan agreed to help, he's gonna shout when you need to catch me."

Jaehyun simply nodded, not quite the level of reassurance you were hoping for before you launched yourself through the air with Jaehyun being the only thing stopping you from hitting the ground.

The music started up and you did your dance around the bar as the trapeze was raised into the air so that it was level with the platform. Jaehyun took a run, did his flip and landed on the trapeze before swinging round so he was hanging from his legs.

This move was slightly easier in that he only had to catch you, not throw you also but not swinging on a piece of equipment meant to swing presented its own challenges.

You heard the notes in the music and bit down hard on the side of your cheek as you threw yourself through the air.

"NOW," Haechan shouted and you felt Jaehyun's hands tighten around your legs holding you in place. You breathed out a sigh of relief as you lifted yourself up so your hands where on the trapeze and climbed up before standing on it and starting to swing so Jaehyun could leap and the act could continue.

The next one was where you had to do the full acrobatics and you were aware you were going to fall at some point, the net was out so it was fine. You just hated falling.

It was a good practice in all honesty you hadn't fallen until a particularly hard move so you were pleased, even as you fell into the net you smiled slightly.

"You must have practised lots Jaehyun, I really appreciate it, you're a quick learner." You told him as you started to walk back to your caravan.

It was only eleven in the morning and you knew Haechan had gone to practise straight after helping you guys out.

"Do you want to maybe come over to my caravan for a coffee?" You asked him, "maybe we can learn to trust each other for more than just our trapeze skill," you joked. You had half expected for Jaehyun to turn the offer down. But instead, he gave you one of his rare half-smiles. A feature you had only seen three times in the month he had been at the circus.

You grinned back at him. "Okay fun," you opened the caravan door. "Just take a seat wherever, it's all my stuff anyway Maddie basically lives in the costume van."

You put the kettle on and stared around in silence as you waited for it to boil.

Once you had made the tea you took a seat down opposite Jaehyun.

"I know circus folk are secretive about their past lives but there must be something you can tell me about yourself?" You asked him.

"Only if you tell me about yourself also." He said. "We can take it in turns ask whatever you want, you don't have to answer of course," he said. You shrugged, twenty questions was an effective way to find out what you wanted to know about people even if it was a bit cliche.

"What city do you come from?" You asked him.

"Seoul,"

"Ahh I always wanted to visit there, I heard it's nice."

"Yeah, it is," Jaehyun said looking down at his coffee. "What's your favourite colour?" He asked.

You laughed slightly, " that's a hard-hitting one Jaehyun how could you ask that?"

"I think it says a lot about a person, and also don't you need to build-up to the big ones?"

Fair enough.

"It's red like the circus tent is."

Jaehyun nodded.

"Do you like it here?" You asked.

"It's... different. But not in a bad way. You and your friends are nice people. I wouldn't choose to be here but I'm not unhappy if that makes sense."

He looked you dead in the eyes before asking his question as if he was deciding whether to ask it or not.

"Why does nobody use your real name? I know you say at the circus people hide their past but most people use their actual names to each other anyway. I know Haechan uses his real name because I saw his drivers license."

"Firstly except for one person, nobody knows my real name here so they can't use it. But the reason nobody knows which I think is the question your asking. The answer is because my real name connects me to who I was. At the circus, I have become a whole other person... which was my aim and so for all purposes and intents I am Adeline."

"Was your life before really so bad?" He asked ignoring that it wasn't his turn.

"Wasn't yours?"

"Fair point, I know it's way past my turn but I have one more question." Even though Jaehyun was fairly sure he knew the answer

You nodded for him to go ahead.

"Who is it that knows your real name?"

"The one and only Doyoung,"

- • - • - • -

You walked up to the Ringmaster's caravan with slight apprehension. He didn't usually call people to come to meet him one by one, most of the things he said could be said in front of anyone - apparently not what he had to say today though.

You rapped your knuckles against the door before pushing it open. The door opened into the room of deep purple and plants. There was old CD's everywhere and a microphone dropped in the middle of the floor.

You didn't know much about the Ringmaster, not his real name - which you knew was Taeyong because he told you once, a lot of people didn’t even ask him. You also knew that he was an underground rapper. He was pretty famous from what you knew - at least in the underground scene, he was so you didn’t know why he still bothered with the circus, at any rate, you were happy he had.

"Hello... Taeyong?" You called. His head suddenly popped up from behind the counter.

"Ah yes, Adeline!" He said getting up. "I need to talk to you about something." He was stating the obvious but you refrained from telling him as such.

"Sit down for a second, I will be right there." You took a seat next to the window, though the caravan was dark as the blind was closed and the faint caravan overhead light shone with a dim light.

Taeyong came back into the room and sat down opposite you, pulling a folder from behind him over.

"Well you see the thing is Addie, we have a chance." He said. Taeyong was smarter than most people so sometimes he was difficult to understand as he didn't articulate his point enough for the average person to comprehend what he was inferring.

"A chance at what?"

He chuckled.

"Ah sorry I didn't explain, we have a chance to return the circus to its original glory, maybe even surpass that."

You looked at him intently. You were not sure the words he was saying were true. The circus had been going downhill ever since the old Ringmaster had died, Taeyong's father. Taeyong was young to be in charge of a whole circus, you were certain that even some of the performers were older than him such as Johnny.

The reason for the downhill wasn't Taeyong's fault - all circuses were finding things harder these days, even the most famous ones. The circus was in many ways a dying tradition.

"What's the plan?" You asked him, it was worth hearing him out, better to listen to the smartest person in the room you always thought.

"Well you know that these days extreme sports like skateboarding and such are very popular, they appeal to young people in the way an old fashioned circus doesn't."

You nodded, teens these days weren't big fans of clowns unless they appeared in horror films.

"Well one of the companies that usually sponsor these extreme sports events is running a traditional entertainment campaign, they are looking for a circus with an extreme act to sponsor. And well they heard about our trapeze act and they think it's exactly what they want - a family circus but with extreme talent and danger."

His proposal to you sounded crazy, you thought he was meant to be intelligent.

"Taeyong, you know.. you know that we essentially don't have a trapeze act anymore, Jaehyun is good and is working hard but he isn't ‘campaign for a big company good’." You exhaled slowly, trying to remain positive.

"Did they tell you what they wanted from the trapeze performance?" Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, Jaehyun could learn quickly, it would just be a lot of work.

Taeyong looked down, he couldn't look you in the eye when he explained.

"They want to film a live performance of nox periculosa."

You stood up ready to walk out. He was insane.

"We don't even have three trapeze artists for God's sake. How in hell can we perform that?"

"Doyoung of course, he's had a while to recover now I'm sure he will be fine," he said. You, however, were quite sure of the opposite. You couldn't tell Taeyong as such because he would kick Doyoung out of the circus if he knew how he behaved.

"Doyoung isn't... he... it's a bad memory for him, for me too in all honesty. I mean it took him a year and a bit but I'm certain it's the reason Yuta left too. Just.. are you sure there isn't anything else we can perform, can you ask them?" You explained hesitantly.

He shook his head.

"Nox Periculosa is the routine this circus is famous for its as old as the circus itself. Just get Doyoung out of bed, he's too lazy these days anyway."

Taeyong finally managed to look up at you.

"I'm not stupid, Adeline, I know something is wrong with Doyoung and that it may be hard to convince him to take part, Doyoung is like a brother to me but we need this to happen, otherwise the circus will be over in less than five years I'm sure of it. I will have to make staff cuts again and unfortunately, Doyoung would be at the top of that list, help him help himself, okay?"

You nodded. Taeyong was crazy but maybe that's because he was smart. He was smart enough to know that the circus needed something big to become what it once was. It needed something totally wild and dangerous, it needed the nox periculosa, it needed Doyoung.

- • - • - • -

Trudging back to your caravan you pulled your phone out of your pocket. You pulled up messaging and made a group message telling Jaehyun, Haechan and Johnny to meet you in your trailer as quickly as possible. You shoved your phone back in your pocket and tried your best not to totally panic on the rest of the walk back.

You swung the door open and shut behind you before sitting down on your sofa, head in your hands. It was only minutes later that the boys you had texted turned up, all at once.

"What's up?" Called out Haechan as he sat down opposite you, putting his feet on your table. You usually would have shouted at him for 'disrespecting your property' but you didn't say a word.

"Oh god, is the circus shutting down I know you saw the Ringmaster earlier oh no," Haechan began as he realised you didn't shout at him.

You shook your head quickly.

"I guess I will get straight to the point." You said to the confused and slightly worried three boys across from you, even Jaehyun had a look of genuine concern on his face. These looks of concern only worsened once you relaid to them what Taeyong had explained to you.

"We are done for!" Exclaimed Johnny, "we would stand better chances if I learned trapeze. Maybe I could suggest that?"

"I don't think anyone wants that," Haechan told him. "Doyoung is gonna die though, like he won't even get out of bed never mind reenact part of the worst day of his life."

"If Addie is willing to perform it again he should be too, he owes her that." Johnny said, "if you want help telling him I will go with you.

"I'll go too," Jaehyun said causing everyone else to give him slightly weird looks, he was there because he was part of the act, not because he felt any responsibility for Doyoung, so the idea of him being there made no sense to you or the other two.

"I don't know him," Jaehyun explained, "so he's less likely to behave poorly,"

You weren't sure if that would be true, but in a way, it made sense so it was worth a shot. If Doyoung didn't punch anything or smash any bottles you would be willing to count it as a successful enterprise.

"I'm part of the act too, I'm Archibald, right? So I will help you get the gang back together, Adeline, Archie and...?"

Jaehyun didn't know the full name of the act you realised because once again it was something no one mentioned anymore.

"Doyoung was the Angel of Death. You watched the video, right? The trapeze tells a story of two people in love who are torn apart by the most selfish being, it's not super clear if you didn't know, most people just see it as cool tricks but that's the story to nox periculosa."

- • - • - • -

You had all decided to go together that evening to talk to Doyoung. His trailer wasn't near the others, he had parked it far away on purpose.

Johnny knocked on the door twice, to no reply, he tried the handle but the door was locked. Haechan walked over to the window.

"Doyoung if you don't open this door I swear bro.. just open the door it's important."

There was still no reply, they both looked at you, causing Jaehyun who was staring silently at the moon to stare at you too.

"Doyoung, open the door please, I need to talk to you and it's about nox periculosa."

Johnny gave you a 'what the hell did you say that for look' but you shrugged when you heard the lock in the door turn and the door swing open.

All four of you stepped into the darkness that had taken over the caravan. It was evening but still light outside, inside however it was almost pitch black and smelt of vodka. It made you want to cry. You could just make out, Doyoung sitting on the floor between his seats in the darkness.

"Sit down," You instructed the other three boys and stood still until the had done as such. You then proceeded to turn the lights on and open up the blinds.

"What the actual..!" Doyoung's were stopped by you as you had anticipated this reaction.

"I know you feel bad Doyoung, I know you feel like life shouldn't be a life you get to live well but you just need to listen to me for a second," you began, "because this is about the circus, the circus that gave you a chance, and the one that still refuses to kick you out even now. So you are gonna fucking listen."

You were hot, the anger you felt was radiating with heat. You had always felt sorry for Doyoung and until now you hadn't realised how angry at him you had been.

"The Ringmaster says you have to perform nox periculosa with us again. It's that or the circus can't afford to function and you are the first person out of a job, but we would all be done for in five years."

"No," is all he said.

"You don't get to say no," Johnny piped up, "did you not listen, it's not a choice, you have to, even if you don't want to."

Haechan frowned, he used to antagonise Doyoung a lot, back in the day, but he cared for him more than people realised.

"I get it, I get why you don't want to do it, I get why your scared, but if Addie will do it there is no way you can use fear as an excuse, that day was just as bad for her."

"It was worse for her, you know that Doyoung," Johnny interjected, "if you feel bad enough to drown your sorrows for two years, then I suggest you feel bad enough to help Addie and Jaehyun out."

Doyoung's grip on the beer bottle he was holding tightened as his eyes flickered to Jaehyun, everyone had almost forgotten he was there.

"If he's here can't Yuta do it with them?" Doyoung asked.

"Yuta left the circus months ago Doyoung how do you not know this?" You cried out, it was worse than you thought. You lurched forward and ripped the bottle out of Doyoung's hand and threw it across the room. It hit the side of the cupboards, smashing into a tiny thousand pieces.

"I forgive you for everything Doyoung, you know that I can't understand how you feel but surely as my boyfriend you could do your part for the only chance to save our only real home."

"Boyfriend?" Jaehyun said the only thing he had managed to say.

You laughed almost sadistically,

"He managed to drink his way to death but he never actually broke up with me, I never thought to break up with him either I suppose." You explained to everyone and also yourself.

"But there's a time for everything and it's now. Doyoung your officially broken up with and if you don't turn up to practise tomorrow morning sober I will get the Ringmaster to fire you because if you can't even try, and that's really all I am asking, then you don't deserve to be part of a circus because this circus is a family, and family don't do this to each other." You turned on your heels shut the lights off once again and walked out.

You only made it to the front steps of your own trailer before you broke down crying. At one point you were sure you could see Jaehyun staring sadly at you as he walked past, but with your vision blurred with tears, you couldn't be sure.

Haechan came over and sat down next to you, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

"I know to see him is hard for you. He's just being selfish but it's because he's in pain, it doesn't make it okay but I hope you can find it in you not to hate him."

"I don't hate him, but everything about him is painful to me, the way he is and the way he acts. I wish that I could understand but I don't, and so his pain is mine because I still love him even now."

Haechan let go of you and looked you directly in the eye.

"I don't understand either if I did I think I could help him, but he doesn't feel deserving of help, and maybe he isn't able to be helped."

"The Ringmaster told me to help him help himself,"

"The Ringmaster’s a smart guy, he knows the one truth, other people can't fix someone, the only person who can honestly save Doyoung, is him.

- • - • - • -

After Haechan went to bed you wandered around the field for a bit before sitting and staring at the stars, trying to forget and to just be at peace for once. You saw Jaehyun sit down next to you and for once you were happy that he was a silent person because you didn't want to say anything much.

"Do you think he will show up?" Jaehyun asked.

"Yes. I do. He feels bad that's why he is the way he is, he feels so bad about things that he wants the feeling of guilt to disappear. He knows that he owes me for something, he will come,"

"I'm sorry," Jaehyun said to you. You looked over at him confused. He picked a handful of grass out of the ground and threw it back down in front of him.

"You are a good person Addie, so I just feel sorry," he said answering your question before he asked. "I'm not a good person, but I think I should try to be."

You were surprised that Jaehyun was opening up to you in any capacity. You shuffled around so you were facing him, the moonlight reflected off his eyes as they pierced into your own eyes.

"I don't think there are good and bad people, I think there are good and bad choices. Everyone makes both, maybe some lean more towards one than the others but no one is truly good or truly bad. You Jung Jaehyun, are certainly not wholly bad and I'm not wholly good either. People are just people."

"Is that why you forgive Doyoung?" He asked you.

"Maybe so, but really I think it's because I love Doyoung and I don't think I will ever not love Doyoung."

Jaehyun played with the pulled blades of grass in his fingers as he continued to almost stare you down as you talked. His candour was calming to you.

"You don't talk a lot most of the time," you observed.

"I like to blend more into the background, like these blades of grass, just another person amongst many."

"You stand out anyway Jaehyun, you know that right?"

He looked genuinely confused.

"Johnny remarked only today on how he somehow forgets I'm there."

You pressed your lips together in a firm line. You always noticed when Jaehyun was around, his silence was noticeable to you, maybe it was because he was your partner.

"Well people will notice you soon, for the worlds hardest trapeze act, I warn you though Jaehyun it really is dangerous. And Doyoung is kinda mean nowadays so I apologise for him."

"Don't apologise for him, you guys are too kind on him, no offence."

You laughed slightly back, "if I'm offended by the truth that just makes me ignorant," you paused to lie back and look at the stars again.

"I wish you knew him when he was wonderful Jaehyun because he really was wonderful, Doyoung was like the brightest star in the sky, illuminating a room. He was amazing."

"If you liked him that much I'm sure he was," Jaehyun answered. He had laid down next to you. "You're like that too when you perform you know, all of you were in the trio, that video I saw was mesmerising on all accounts, not just Doyoung."

"I make up for my dullness in life by my bright in my performance," You said.

"I think I'm a bad person, Doyoung thinks he's guilty, and you think that you're dull. Maybe we are all right and maybe we are all wrong, but in the end, I suppose your right, we are just people, people in a circus." Jaehyun observed.

"The best kind of people" you joked.

- • - • - • -

You walked into the ring for practice praying and praying he would be outside waiting as he used too. But as you drew nearer you saw no one outside.

You pushed the door of the tent open to see Jaehyun sitting on the floor of the ring stretching out and behind him Doyoung sitting in the first row of seats. Jaehyun said nothing and neither did Doyoung, but Doyoung looked sober even if he also looked close to death and so you were content.

You ran over to Doyoung and threw your arms around him, trying really hard not to start bawling again.

"Thank you for coming Doyoung, thank you so much,"

His arms remained at his sides. He almost went to move them around you but seemed to decide against it.

"I owe you this, as you said." He told you.

Jaehyun watched you from across the room but refrained from joining in the exchange. Instead, he chose to get up and hang upside down from the trapeze.

You grabbed Doyoung by the arm and pulled him towards the middle of the ring.

"You have to help me teach Jaehyun, I know you remember how to perform it, we just need practise," You said rather optimistically. You didn't get a reply from either of them. Just a reassuring glance from Johnny sitting behind the rope rigging.

The difficulty with nox periculosa was that it was extremely fast. If you stopped paying attention for even a second then it would all fall apart.

You climbed up the ladder and ran at the trapeze, your hands grasped the bar and you swung yourself upside down until you were doing a handstand on the pole as if swung back and forward. Jaehyun had to do the same on the other side and mirror you.

You pulled yourself up until you could place your legs around the bar, swing forward where Jaehyun's hands grasped your own. Doyoung came next he had to pull you up onto the other side. This was one of the technically most difficult parts but Doyoung did it effortlessly. Jaehyun swung you into the air where Doyoung was able to reach out, grab your waist and lift you on to the platform.

Even after almost two years, Doyoung was perfect at it.

- • - • - • -

Dinner that night was a grand affair. There was a new Madamé Isobel, the circus fortune teller, she worked outside before the show as a sort of carnival-type attraction, a big moneymaker. The last Madamé had retired for life by the sea. The new girl you saw looked a lot younger than you had expected.

In line with that, the ringmaster introduced her as Mademoiselle Isobel. She seemed a similar age to you.

Her presence was noted at the dinner but Doyoung's was not. Despite his attendance of practice, he left straight after without a word. Jaehyun had gone back to not saying much either.

You were complaining about it to Haechan who rolled his eyes.

"It's a job, you don't have to love them, just be thankful you still have that job, it's only because of those two working with you." He told you. And he wasn't wrong. You leant back in your seat and rolled your shoulders. "Don't confuse him working again with everything being the way it was," Haechan reminded you.

You nodded.

"I won't, I know it isn't the same." No matter how much you didn't want that to be true.

You left dinner shortly after, you didn't want to go to bed so you walked along the outskirts of the field for a while, you walked for about fifteen minutes before you came across Jaehyun. He was practising some form of martial art with a wooden stick in front of the gate that led to the exit of the field.

He didn't notice you walk up behind him. You didn't want to disturb, you sat down a few meters away and just watched him. He looked so peaceful somehow. His eyes were closed as he muttered something unintelligible under his breath. Each movement was so precise, you were in awe.

"It's Kendo, "Jaehyun said turning round to face you.

"You knew I was there?" You questioned.

"Of course, your not as sneaky as you think, circus folk tend to stand out, even at the circus," he laughed. If anyone else had said it you may have been offended but Jaehyun didn't say it like it was a bad thing.

"Sorry for disturbing you,"

Jaehyun shook his head,

"I don't mind, it can be a bit lonely here." He explained.

"It can," you agreed, thinking about how Doyoung still hadn't talked to you. Your heart ached.

You walked back towards the main area together in total silence, a silence that only deepened when you spotted Doyoung, he was outside and he was talking, something that would have made you so happy, had he not been talking to Mademoiselle Isobel.

"You're fucking kidding," you thought out loud, your mouth agape.

Doyoung had a half-smile on his face as he talked seemingly happily to the Mademoiselle. He, however, immediately spotted your almost furious gaze. He stared at you as she continued talking. You didn't know if he was contemplating talking to you also, but you didn't wait to find out. You stormed off into your trailer and locked the door behind you.

He hadn't spoken to you in two years normally, but he managed just fine to talk to the new girl in town. You were furious. Of all the things he had done this made you most angry. You liked to believe that underneath it all that Doyoung still loved you too. But he couldn't even speak to you. And so you had to feel like your hope was misplaced.

There was a small knock at your door, and you looked to see Haechan and Johnny standing there with some chocolates.

"Jaehyun told us that you might need some friends," they expressed as they clambered through the small door.

"Well the chocolates are certainly welcome," you joked.

"You know you love us more," Johnny said taking a seat on your sofa. "He told us what you guys saw. You good Addie?"

You sat down next to him and lay your head on his shoulder.

"I'm more in the realm of bloody furious and vaguely disappointed."

"That sounds about right," Haechan agreed. "If it makes you feel better he hasn't talked to us either."

"It doesn't."

"You're in charge of training, make him do 300 press-ups," Johnny suggested.

You shook your head. You didn't want to talk about him anymore. It was too depressing.

"Why didn't Jaehyun come with you guys?"

"Something about it being a best friends situation," Haechan said. You pulled out your phone and texted him to come too.

"He said he feels lonely, I don't think he should have to feel like that," you explained.

Jaehyun turned up moments later with a parcel clutched under his arm.

"I thought we could watch the greatest showman," he said when you let him in, "I ordered it on DVD and it finally came today, perhaps at the right moment."

You smiled for the first time that evening.

"You're amazing, thanks Jaehyun," you said taking the DVD from him and setting it up on your small TV. You placed the sweets in front of it and pulled some blankets out of a small cupboard.

"Lads movie night," you announced to the other two. Who shrugged and turned to face the tv also.

Haechan and Johnny had called asleep before the movie even ended. In fairness, you had all seen it before but it was just the thing to cheer you up and by the time the subtitles ran, you felt a lot better. The sky was darker but it was hot inside your trailer.

"Shall I wake them up?" Jaehyun asked you, pointing to the boys. You snapped out of your daydream.

"Just leave them, they can sleep here," you stood up off the sofa and moved the boys slightly so you could swing their legs onto the sofa and placed a blanket over them.

"Do you wanna watch the stars for a bit?" You asked. Jaehyun was out staring at the stars almost every night so he nodded vigorously, with a grin you had never seen on his face before. It was cute.

You stepped outside, taking one of the blankets with you and lying it down just on the ground in front of you. You sat down and leant back against the wall of the caravan. Jaehyun followed and sat next to you.

"You're a really quick learner," you told him.

"You're a really good teacher." He replied back instantaneously. He was fidgeting, obviously once again desperate to ask you something.

You shrugged, letting him know to go ahead.

"Why is Doyoung like that, you know, drunk and rude? Why doesn't he talk to you guys anymore." He asked.

"You really don't ever ask the easy questions," you laughed slightly.

"I just wanted to know so I figured I would ask."

"It's kinda hard for me to talk about," you explained, "mostly because I don't understand myself, none of us do, I know the event that triggered it but even then I don't understand. I will tell you one day Jaehyun I'm sure, today is not that day."

He smiled at you,

"You don't ever have to tell me, I just couldn't give up the opportunity to ask."

"You will figure it out before I tell you, you couldn't perform Nox Periculosa with us and not work it out." You figured Jaehyun wouldn't understand until he realised on his own. In all honesty, it wasn't that hard to tell if you looked closely.

"Well I will keep my Sherlock Holmes hat on," he joked. You stared up at the stars he loved so much as you listened to him chatter. It was a strange sound. He hardly ever talked, he only ever talked like this when you hung out alone at night.

"Why don't you talk very often?" You asked, following his policy of curiosity.

"I used to think that I didn't want friends."

"Used to?" You inquired further.

"I didn't ever feel lonely before without friends, but when I look at you and your friends I feel like the loneliest man on earth."

You stopped looking at the stars for a second and looked over at Jaehyun. He was looking you dead in the eye. His own eyes contained an emotion you couldn't quite read. You were sure it wasn't a positive one though.

You moved your hand over to his and held on to it firmly.

"You don't need to feel lonely if you feel like that then just know that I'm always willing to hang out with you, and I'm sure the same goes for our sleepyheads inside."

Jaehyun squeezed your hand back.

"Thank you,"

"You don't thank your friends for being friends with you Jaehyun,"

"You can't tell me what to do." He joked, the corners of his eyes turning up as he smiled. You both looked back up at the stars and you were sure that neither of you felt lonely.

- • - • - • -

It was the fifth practice that week and you knew there was no more avoiding the moment. You had to teach Jaehyun the final ten seconds of the routine.

Jaehyun didn't have to do much. He just had to flip a few times then lie on the ground looking dead. Before getting up again to catch you at the end as you dropped. You, however, had to put total faith in Doyoung, as he held one of your feet and swung many times before throwing you up and catching your hand. You had to wear a blindfold so if he messed up you didn't have time to save yourself before you fell.

As you explained to Jaehyun, Doyoung sat behind you both with his eyes tightly shut.

You ignored his. Behaviour and climbed up to set the scene. Doyoung followed you up soon after. Jaehyun did his bit no problem. Doyoung waited for you to run at him to catch your leg.

His face looked like he had seen a ghost, nonetheless, he managed all of the moves seamlessly, You couldn't see anything but as you went through the air you knew the movements were correct. He caught you on time and then waited for the trapeze to go lower before he dropped you to where Jaehyun, was standing to catch you again.

You landed in Jaehyuns arms no problem. Jaehyun was smiling again.

"We did it, the whole thing!" He announced with happiness.

"Yeah," You said, only half-listening to him, Doyoung was still up on the trapeze with his eyes firmly shut. Jaehyuns gaze follows yours.

"This was it wasn't it?" He said, "something went wrong with the end of this performance," You nodded.

"Good work Sherlock," you joked, but the pain in your voice was evident.

"He dropped you right? But howe? he's so good." Jaehyun was clearly confused.

"If I knew the answer Jaehyun I would tell you, but I don't, all I know is that he messed up, I fell and landed breaking my arm, and knocking Yuta out. It almost caused the circus to have to close - health and safety. Doyoung never explained or said anything. By the time we came back from the hospital no one had seen Doyoung in weeks. When he returned it was announced he was quitting trapeze and he began to spend all day drinking."

You were so caught up in explaining the little that you knew, you never noticed Doyoung walk up behind you both. He frowned slightly before walking off. You tried not to take as much notice of it as you once would have, if Doyoung wanted to be sulky that was his own choice.

"If you ever get so good at being a detective you work what happened, feel free to enlighten me, I will buy you a brownie if you’re correct," you laughed, trying to make the situation feel better in any way possible.

Jaehyun smiled back at you,

"I will do my best Dr Watson,"

- • - • - • -

"Tell me again where we are going?" Johnny asked as you shoved him into the driver's seat of Taeyong’s car.

"To the circus," you told him jumping into the back seat next to Haechan, Jaehyun had managed to run to the front seat the fastest so he had won the best seat.

"But we are already at the circus," he said pointing to the tent behind you. You sat back in your seat exhausted before you had even begun.

"It's like a recon mission, circus spies, the Cirque de Contes is doing a one-night performance not far from here so we have been sent to check it out." You explained to Johnny, who then finally seemed to understand why the sat nav Jaehyun was typing in led to an empty field.

It was a usual thing to keep up with other circuses, make sure their performances were not greatly better than your own. The Ringmaster could never go himself or he would be spotted, so he often sent you and some others to go and watch.

"When was the last time you saw a circus?" Johnny asked Jaehyun. Jaehyun thought for a second or two before replying.

"I don't think I have ever seen a circus," he said. Johnny slammed on the breaks of the car, causing you all to jolt forward.

"This is your first time going to the circus? And you're from a circus family? The Ringmaster is your uncle right?" Haechan asked incredulously.

"Not literally my uncle, he's only a few years older than me. He has a much older brother though, who was good friends with my mum, I always called him uncle, so the same went for him I suppose." He explained.

Johnny nodded but Haechan still looked like he had seen a ghost.

"Well this is certainly unexpected," Haechan remarked.

"It's not like I came to the circus knowing anything or having any skill," Jaehyun reminded him.

"Well," You began. "It's good you have a chance now to really see the circus in action before you are a part of it. The tour starts in ten days. In ten days you really will be a circus man Jaehyun."

The drive to the other circus was short, by the time you had discussed Jaehyun's circus virginity and before Haechan had time to fully comprehend that fact. Johnny pulled the car into a parking lot on the field next to the circus tent.

When you got out of the car you handed everyone a pair of sunglasses except for Jaehyun.

"Why are you wearing sunglasses in the dark?" He asked.

"Circus folk do not take kindly to others showing up at their show, we need to be sure they won't spot us," You told him. "Your fine though, you haven't performed yet so they wouldn't know to spot you."

After donning your glasses, the four of you walked towards the bright lights of the tent that shone through the darkness.

"Have you ever thought that sunglasses at night are kinda conspicuous?" Jaehyun pointed out. Johnny shrugged.

"Some people who come to watch are weird, they won't ask questions."

You insisted that Jaehyun be the one to ask for the snacks so that the rest of you would remain incognito.

"This was just a ploy to get me to buy the snacks," Jaehyun said pouting. You giggled and placed your hand over your heart and feigned hurt.

"I would never do such a thing," you said sarcastically. Haechan reached over and grabbed popcorn from Jaehyun.

"I definitely would," he said before running off to find a good seat. Jaehyun shook his head,

"You guys are wild,"

"We just really love the circus, it's exciting."

- • - • - • -

Once you had all managed to sit down the lights in the tent dimmed and the music began. A clown came out and did standard clown things, he pied the other clown, squirted water at people, and hid a picture of himself in the bag of a poor unassuming woman only to reveal it to her later.

You made a mental note that they were using magic from the get-go. The other acts that followed were also pretty good you really enjoyed it.

You were smiling brightly until the final act came on stage, it was a trapeze that began to lower from the ceiling and two platforms came out. You didn't think this circus did trapeze, they had a few more girls on the hoops instead, that was their big aerial act.

You saw a boy come down from the ceiling on the trapeze and began to choke on your popcorn once you had realised who it was.

"Yuta," Johnny mumbled under his breath. Jaehyuns head whipped round to ask you his series of questions straight away. But you politely told him to shh.

Yuta was here at another circus, he didn't quit the circus, he just quit your circus.

"What a snake," Haechan said to Johnny.

Yuta was as good as ever, spinning and jumping, it was hard to make a one-man trapeze act interesting.

You sat stunned throughout his whole set, you couldn't even clap at the end you were still in shock.

The moment the circus finished you jumped out of your seat and ran off, the boys chasing after you.

"If you're doing what I think you are, you better not!" Johnny shouted from behind you.

You were doing what he thought, and he couldn't stop you.

You ran straight out of the circus tent and around the side, you spotted a muddy gap in the bushes to the next field, you reckoned that was where the trailers would be.

Sure enough, as you hurtled through the bushes you saw Yuta opening the door to one of the nearest caravans.

You didn't hesitate to run on into it behind him.

"How's life?" You asked him casually. Yuta looked really alarmed and you didn't know if it was because you were there in his caravan or if you were there in general.

"Addie, I didn't expect to see you here," he said slowly.

"I didn't expect you to be a traitor either," you said running headlong at the elephant in the room. You were not feeling like aimless pleasantries and small talk.

"I'm not going to apologise," Yuta said as the three boys caught up and bundled into the trailer too. "The whole gang is here huh," he remarked. "Plus a newbie, my replacement I assume."

"That's me," Jaehyun said awkwardly.

"Why did you come here?" Yuta asked.

"To scout out the circus you know how it is," Johnny said. Yuta shook his head.

"No, I mean why did Adeline run into my trailer like a crazy person?"

"I just... didn't expect to see you here," you told him.

"I have to make a living still, the circus, as before, is still the only place I want to do that, I just couldn't do it at your circus, I couldn't watch Doyoung drink himself to death, I couldn't watch you so sad every day Addie. I couldn't take it anymore." He said.

You nodded.

"I miss you, Archie, I mean Yuta."

He walked over and pulled you into a hug.

"I miss you too Ad," He let go of you slightly and looked down sadly.

"Is he any better?"

You shook your head. Knowing he was talking about Doyoung.

"He has to perform though, with us. The Ringmaster said so, we all have to do nox periculosa or he's out."

"Jesus Christ," Yuta said brushing his hair back with his hands.

"My thoughts exactly," said Johnny.

He invited you all to sit down on his sofas. With all five of you, it was a bit of a squeeze but you made it work.

"How's the new circus then?" Johnny asked him. Yuta shrugged slightly.

"It's whatever, it's better in the sense I don't have to think about the accident anymore but the people here aren't the same. I still won't say sorry for leaving though."

"You shouldn't have to, maybe I should have left to," you told him.

He cracked a smile.

"That would never have happened. I was always Yuta, not Archie, Jaehyun is Jaehyun, not Archie. But you, you are Adeline, everyone calls you that, you don't know any different. Beyond that circus, the real you doesn't exist." Yuta said.

A sad truth.

You left soon after, Yuta promised to come to watch your show when he could. He promised to meet you when you had a break, to talk about life.

You drove back near midnight to the caravans in your own circus field. It was totally silent.

"Do you think that anyone can be two different people?" You asked.

"How so?" Said Johnny.

"I was thinking about what Yuta said, that the real me doesn't exist outside the circus and yet I had always thought the opposite, that the real me lived outside the circus, I just left it behind for my character." You explained.

No one replied for at least five minutes.

"I think it's not as simple as that. You are both of them in a way but you are still only one person. As you said, no one is only good and no one is only bad. In the same way, as you are not only whoever you were and you are not only Adeline, you’re somewhere on that line."

It was Jaehyun that spoke.

"Makes sense," you agreed. Then the silence continued the whole way back.

- • - • - • -

It was almost two a.m. the night before the first performance of the year when you saw them outside your window. At first, you couldn't be sure who it was but when you opened your blinds and looked closer you were certain.

You had awoken at two a.m. to see Doyoung making out with the Mademoiselle. You felt sick, your heart hurt, worse than anything you had ever thought you felt before. Your only instinct was to leave, to get out. You ran out of your caravan and slammed the door shut, it made the pair stop and notice you but you didn't care, you ran the two hundred metres over to Jaehyun and Haechans caravan.

At first, you were sure that it was Haechan you were looking for. Then you realised the only person you wanted to talk to, to try and ease your pain was Jaehyun. You supposed it was the closeness of trapeze partners. You knocked on their door and thankfully it was Jaehyun who answered.

He stepped outside closing the door quietly behind him.

"Hey what's up, I didn't want to wake..." he cut off when he noticed the silent tears that had begun to roll down your face. He jumped off the step up to the door and wrapped his arms around you tightly, pulling you into his chest.

He didn't ask you what was wrong, he just stood there rubbing circles into your back until you managed to compose yourself slightly more.

He took your hand in his, carefully, and began to lead you out behind the caravan and over towards the circus tent.

"Why are we going here?" You asked him.

"Sometimes it's best to talk about things in the place where you feel at your best, I figured for you, that's probably in the circus ring."

At any other time, you would have grinned at how well he knew you, how kind he was. Just not that night.

He didn't say anything else until you were both sitting cross-legged opposite each other on the crash mat, situated below the tight rope, still set up from the nights practise.

"What's up?" He asked you.

You fidgeted with your hands, staring down at them. You felt nervous about your feelings for some reason as if you didn't have a right to have them.

"It was Doyoung," you said, "he was kissing Isobel."

Jaehyun looked totally surprised.

"I don't know what I expected," he said, "but it wasn't that. What a dick." The last part he said under his breath, you don't think he even meant to say it aloud.

"He ignored me for almost two years, even now he won't look at me. He dropped me on the floor, not the other way round. I never held him accountable for it either. Even in the hospital, I said it was okay and he just walked away and I have barely seen him six times since. Yet he manages to make out with some random girl who showed up less than two weeks ago." Your voice was so angry it was quiet.

"I had to talk to someone. I think that if I see him again I have a strong chance of punching him in the face," you admitted.

"I will punch him in the face for you," Jaehyun said.

"Thank you, but I meant that you should hold me back, resorting to violence won't fix anything."

"Who said I was trying to fix things?"

He was interrupted by the tent door opening. You both stood up immediately, Jaehyun stood in front of you, he reached back and squeezed your hand before turning to face Doyoung who had just walked in.

He looked slightly sheepish.

"Hey, Addie can I talk to you?" He said, "alone?"

You looked up at Jaehyun and shook your head. Usually, you fought your own battles but as you said to Jaehyun, you really didn't want to end up punching him.

"Unless you want her to slap you round the face, I suggest you get lost," Jaehyun told him.

"I just have to say one thing," Doyoung said.

"Anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Jaehyun too," you told him, still refusing to look him in the eye.

Doyoung sighed but took a few steps forward anyway. He shoved his hands in his pockets and licked his lips slightly.

"I didn't mean anything, I don't even like her that much." He said.

You moved quickly, Jaehyun never had a hope of catching you. You darted around Jaehyun and over to Doyoung, you began to attack him in various seemingly non-effective ways.

When he realised what was going on Jaehyun ran forward and grabbed you by the waist.

Doyoung didn't move, he just stood there and took the hits until Jaehyun pulled you off.

"What do you mean it didn't matter?! Does nothing matter to you, does how I feel not matter? Why Doyoung, why did you do all of this... not just this but the last two years? WHAT HAPPENED?" Tears were streaming down your face from anger.

Evidently, the commotion had caused other people to get up to come and see because Haechan came running into the tent.

"Get it together Adeline!" He shouted at you. You stopped trying to run back at Doyoung and instead crouched down on the floor and started to cry again.

Every emotion you had felt since that day was finally manifesting.

Haechan began to drag Doyoung out of the tent.

"You don't get to talk to her, not now not ever," he said as he pulled him away by the arm.

Jaehyun stayed and crouched down next to you.

"Don't cry Addie," He said, his voice sounded so sad, it almost made you want to cry more. "He really isn't fucking worth it."

- • - • - • -

Jaehyun walked with you back to your caravan, you opened the door that you had forgotten to lock in the midst of your emotions. Jaehyun turned round to leave but you grabbed him by the arm.

"Would you mind staying with me for a bit? I just don't want to be by myself," you told him. Jaehyun nodded and followed you inside, shutting the door softly behind him.

You pulled back the shutter to your bedroom and looked down. Only to realise this whole time you had been in your pyjamas shorts. You sat down in your bed and patted next to you for Jaehyun to beside you.

"I'm really sorry," you told him.

"Don't be sorry, you had every right to be angry." He replied.

You shook your head.

"You shouldn't have had to stop me from assaulting someone."

"Isn't that what trapeze partners are for?" He joked causing you to smile ever so slightly.

"I just loved him for so long I guess, I don't know how not to love him."

You looked up at Jaehyun's face, his lips were turned into a frown. His eyes were creased in concern and yet for the first time, you noticed how pretty his eyelashes were. Jaehyun really was an attractive person.

Neither of you said anything but you were so close that you could feel Jaehyun's breath against your skin.

Jaehyun reached over and brushed a loose strand of hair behind your ear gently. He didn't move his hand, it stayed gently rested on your cheek as he scrutinised your face just as you had scrutinised his.

His eyes flicked down to your lips and your faces moved close together once more.

Jaehyun closed his eyes and at the same time he closed the gap between your lips and his, he pressed them softly together, only for a few fleeting seconds.

He pulled away abruptly.

"I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean to do that, it so awful of me to do that right now, I'm.."

You cut him off by kneeling up and using both of your hands to pull his lips back to yours. You kissed him deeper this time, your lips moved quickly against his, you were desperate for the feeling that kissing Jaehyun was giving you, it was happy and safe and .. all the things you hadn't felt since Doyoung.

You pulled back after a while and stared at Jaehyun, his cheeks had gone red and he looked really nervous as he began to apologise again.

"I shouldn't have done that, not when you are so upset." He looked really sad.

"Was kissing me really that bad?" You joked. Jaehyun shook his head immediately, it was cute you noticed. You had started to notice a lot about Jaehyun in the last few hours.

"No of course not, but it still wasn't right of me,"

You looked up at the beige ceiling,

“I thought we agreed that good and bad aren't so obvious?” You reminded him. You knew it was bad of you to use Jaehyun to ease your own pain, but you didn’t know how else.

“Are you sure?” Jaehyun asked. You pulled your shirt off as a reply, hands moving to his chest pushing him back into the pillows.

“Never been more sure of anything,” you mumbled as you trailed kisses down his neck, unbuttoning his shirt. When you traced his muscles with your hand he moaned lightly, eyes fixed on you.

You went back to kissing him as one of your hands travelled down to palm his underwear, feeling his member harden with your every touch.

It didn’t take you long until your fingers curled under his waistband, dragging his underwear down to fully expose his length. You began to kiss the tip before Jaehyun stopped you, he pulled your head back up, level with his.

“I want to make you feel better baby, you don’t have to do this for me, today is about you.” He said.

He pulled down your jeans before sliding his hand into your panties, a moan escaped your lips as he began to rub circles into your clit. Your wetness soaking though, Jaehyun realised how desperate you were to be touched. He moved to sit between your legs, pulling your underwear away, before leaning down replacing his hand with his mouth, causing you to gasp.

“Does that feel good babygirl?” he asked, before sliding his finger into your wetness. You nodded slightly, unable to form words properly due to the sensory overload. He kissed your neck, you knew he was going to leave a mark, but you didn’t care, especially when he inserted a second finger, pumping at an excruciatingly slow rate.

“Shit Jaehyun, I need more,” you said, feeling tortured by his slow pace, “I want you to fuck me,” you said, a slight blush spreading across your cheeks.

Jaehyun pulled away and grinned up at you, eyes glistening,

“Whatever you want,”

He reached into the pocket of his jacket, trying to be as quick as possible, he pulled out a condom, rolling it down his length before positioning himself.

“Are you really sure?” he checked, chuckling at how needy you were for his cock.

He moaned softly as he slid into you and then back out at the same slow pace as before, perhaps just to annoy you.

“faster,” you whined. Jaehyun kissed your lips once more before starting to thrust forward quickly, burying his dick inside of you. Whatever you had prepared for it wasn’t that, tears pricked your eyes as he stretched out walls, thrusting relentlessly.

“you look so pretty, taking my cock,” he smiles,

“only for you,” you said, pulling his lips back to yours, for a second before he focused again, he brought one hand down to rub your clit as he fucked you, his other hand tangled in your hair.

This added stimulation was almost too much for you to handle.

“Cum for me baby,” Jaehyun encouraged you as your walls clenched tight around his cock as you came, moaning his name. The sight of your orgasm had given Jaehyun everything he needed or wanted, as a few seconds later you felt his length twitch inside you, before he pulled out, laying down beside you.

He pulled the duvet up to cover you both before turning to face you.

“Are you in the habit of having sex with your trapeze partners,” he joked, draping an arm over you.

“I do really like you Jaehyun, it’s not just because of Doyoung,” you explained.

Jaehyun looked up at the ceiling, “but it is partly because of him... I’ll take what I can get I guess... I’ve never felt closer to anyone than I do to you... and I don’t even know your name.”

“And I’m still not ready to tell you. I know it doesn’t make sense but,”

Jaaehyun cut you off.

“I get it, it was special between you and him, only he knew.”

He paused for a while.

“I will make sure you learn to love me more than him,” He said. “Because that’s what you deserve.”

[for-ests]

Love It If We Made It: Oikawa Tooru x Reader (Part 2)

Part 1 [ mlist ]

word count: 4,770

summary: After seeing Oikawa again, you agree to show up to one of his matches. How can you make him feel better after a devastating loss? 

Tooru 💕: hey pretty lady, come watch me play tomorrow 🥴

Y/N-chan🦋: send me the addy and I'll be there :-)

That promise you kept. Though you were loaded with hundred of responsibilities, you managed to carve time out of your day to attend Oikawa's prelims.

The introvert in you begged to have someone attend with you, but the extrovert knew it was better if you gained the courage to go by yourself. Nobody else would understand how important it was to you and to him. And frankly, you didn't want to explain your relationship with the handsome setter.

Just thinking about Oikawa made you blush. Thinking about how important he had been to you, the things you went through, every smile, every hug- even the one kiss. Your first kiss.

Though you hadn't seen the boy in years, his presence had never left.

In a way you couldn't describe, his soul had shaped yours. Even if it sounded rash coming from someone so young and naive, you felt that you had met your other half.

You needed him, and you had been missing him for far too long.

The thought caused your throat to tighten. How could you ever gain the courage to tell him that? Someone who had always been so outspoken, so kind, so gentle.

Admitting your feelings at this time could ruin everything. You felt like you had missed your chance.

And sadly, you knew Oikawa had problems too. He was just excellent at hiding them. Hiding behind the persona he had built up ever since he had joined the volleyball club in sixth grade.

You were just happy to see him again. Right now, that was all you wanted to think about. He was by your side again, in the little ways he could.

So you had to return the favor. Though you had no other business attending a high school volleyball game that wasn't your own, you waltzed into the gym, standing off to the side by the railing in front of the student section.

Stay calm. You repeated, feeling the eyes of hundreds of students on your back. Having someone by your side would have been the right cure. Perhaps it was a brainless move to wear your Karasuno volleyball club zip up sweatshirt.

No. You squeezed your eyes shut. Be confident. Do it for Oikawa if not for you.

Before you could sulk further, the doors on the opposite side of the gym flung open, and as per usual, Aoba Johsai waltzed in with nervous smiles upon their faces, and others with stone cold glares.

Knowing Oikawa, most people would expect a smile be placed upon his face—but you knew better. His confidence only reached so far. He was a nervous wreck.

Oikawa walked beside Iwaizumi, silent.

You heard anxious squeals from the top stands on your right, and you managed to refrain from rolling your eyes. Of course his creepy fan girls came. Why would you expect anything less? If only it made sense for people to come because they loved watching the sport, and not because they had a crush on a senior boy that didn't even know their names.

Wow. You bit your lip. Why were you so angry?

Suddenly flustered, you awkwardly rubbed the back of your neck to relieve some tension.

Your movements caught Oikawa's eyes from above. He lifted his head, finally noticing your arrival.

His permanent frown vanished at the sight of you.

"Hi!" You waved, hoping your interaction wouldn't draw too much attention. But everything involving Oikawa drew attention.

Staring into his deep brown eyes was a blessing. Nobody had ever made you feel so whole, so appreciated and loved.

He seemed to acknowledge your discomfort, and again, like the old days, he tried everything he could to make you feel relaxed again.

"Y/N-Chan!" He seemed to sing, disregarding all the other people in the stands cheering his name, trying desperately to gain his attention.

Not knowing how to react, you put your hands together and shaped a heart. That was all you needed to do to show Oikawa how much you cared, and how much you missed him.

The brunette's eyes widened, and despite all the pressure that was weighing down on his shoulders, he formed one in return.

You couldn't stop your cheeks from darkening. The instant chemistry that flowed between the two of you was overwhelming, yet somehow comforting.

His commanding gaze caused all your worries to fall back into the deeper parts of your mind. For a moment, you had forgotten about them. Your sadness seemed irrelevant.

"I'll see you after." He mouthed, turning back to his team.

That made you incredibly nervous. How were you going to explain everything that happened to you? Would he see you as someone completely different?

Your jaw clenched. What if he didn't feel the same?

One look his way and all your hidden, childish, and embarrassing feelings for him came flooding back.

Taking a deep breath to silence your anxious and somewhat pessimistic thoughts, you gained the courage to glance behind you and look for a seat. There were hundreds of high-schoolers present, many of them who seemed to be shooting you dirty looks-- especially the girls who were cheering Oikawa's name earlier.

Yeah... you definitely should have made one of your friends come with you.

As you were scanning the crowd, you noticed there were other schools present, which were sporting their own school's names. It made you remember how important this game was, the prelims were nothing to be taken lightly.

Feeling as if you were searching for too long, you turned back and decided to stay by the railing. There were countless others doing the same, so you didn't feel too awkward standing beside them.

That was until you heard a husky voice from behind.

"Oh? Karasuno?" It chuckled loudly. You turned, surprised to find a group of high school boys that seemed strikingly familiar.

"Oh!" You blushed, realizing their gazes had been on you since your bold interaction with Oikawa. "Hi again..."

Your eyes widened slightly, as you had forgotten their names. But you remembered them from the joint training camp that Karasuno had been invited to by Nekoma. The other boy was from Fukurodani... you felt bad for not remembering their names- but so much had happened since then.

"You're Karasuno's manager right?" The dark haired one of the duo asked flirtatiously. "Was it L/N?"

Swaying back and forth on your feet, you nodded. "Yeah, but you guys can call me Y/N, that's fine."

Noticing your discomfort of attending the match alone, the Nekoma boy patted the spot next to him. "Come sit by us, Oikawa's girlfriend, don't be shy." You grinned graciously, trying to hide the blush that appeared on your face by his nickname.

"What was your name again? Was it Kuroo?"

"Correct." He gave you a two thumbs up.

You peered past Kuroo, at the Fukurodani boy with white streaks in his hair. "I'm sorry..." You glanced away timidly. "I forgot your name."

"I'm hurt!" He feigned defeat, slumping against his friend in mock anguish, as if his heat had been pierced with cupid's arrow.

Rolling his eyes, Kuroo leaned over and whispered in your ear. "That's Bokuto."

Playing along, you reached over to pat Bokuto's shoulder. "Oh! How could I forget? It's Bokuto."

"Hey hey hey!" He lifted his head, grinning from ear to ear. "I knew the prettiest girl here would remember my legendary name."

You and Kuroo laughed loudly, noticing a couple odd stares had been directed your way. Biting your lip, you shifted your posture and faced the boys directly, trying to dispel your introvertedness whenever strangers paid you attention.

You were trying your best to remain confident. You used to be so confident. Whenever Oikawa was around, you were at your best.

You just didn't want your joyful childhood memories to fade away once you realized that things with Oikawa could never be the same.

Kuroo though, had to ask questions. It wasn't in his nature to ignore something so evident. You were incredibly shy, while Oikawa was incredibly rambunctious.

"So, Y/N..."

Furrowing his eyebrows, he tried to piece together the pairing. How would that even happen? You were the Karasuno volleyball manager and he was the long-running Aoba Johsai captain. It's not like you were physically close.

One look at you and Kuroo knew you were way too pretty to be just a fan girl to him.

"Did you come to watch Oikawa?"

Preparing yourself for that exact question, you answered quickly. "Yes, Tooru and Hajime both invited me."

Noting the lack of informality, Kuroo pressed further. Though you were shy, you seemed laid back enough to let him call you by your first name after the second time meeting. From the moment he had met you, it was easy to see why everyone was fond of your charming, innocent and careful personality.

"How do you know them?"

Smiling, you laid your hands in your lap. "We used to go to the same middle school. I've known them for years."

Bokuto was practically drooling over the softness of your voice. Timid, yet forthcoming. Kuroo nudged him in the ribs, unbeknownst to you.

"Why haven't we seen more of you then? Especially at his games." Kuroo asked, his eyes flickering down to the side of the court where Oikawa was practicing his serves.

You knew the captain was trying to be friendly, so you let him pry for more information.

Trying to relax, you chucked quietly. "It's complicated. I moved a couple years ago and haven't seen him a lot since then."

"That makes sense, since you're at different schools."

The brief sadness that filled your eyes was enough to communicate to the boys that you wouldn't touch more on the subject.

What had happened between you and Oikawa was common. Most high schoolers could relate. Life was a roller-coaster that threw you into loop after loop.

"I would have texted you every day." Bokuto boasted, trying to cheer you up.

"That's why you don't have a girlfriend you clingy bastard." Kuroo shoved him playfully.

You managed to giggle, genuinely. "Thanks." You stuck your tongue out at Bokuto. He turned his head away and blushed.

Changing the topic, Kuroo asked gently. "Anyways, are you going to manage Karasuno next semester?"

He was great at holding conversation. Meanwhile, Bokuto's attention kept averting elsewhere, practically to everything else happening around you.

"I plan to. Especially since the upset yesterday. I can't leave my boys hanging like that."

They need me. But I need them more.

"Ah, yes. I bet that was hard for you."

"How are my pupils doing?" Bokuto reentered the conversation at the presumed mention of Hinata and Tsukishima.

Your nose crinkled as you giggled. "Could be better, but they'll get over it. Don't tell them I said that."

"It might slip out of his big fat mouth." Kuroo rolled his eyes.

Opening your mouth to retort a sarcastic comment, you were interrupted by the referee's whistle, signaling that the match was about to formally commence.

Oikawa. Your mind practically screamed. Please win, Oikawa.

Turning back to Kuroo and Bokuto, you winked teasingly. "Well even if they are your pupils, don't underestimate Karasuno. We're gonna beat your ass next time."

Kuroo grinned. "I can't wait."

Bokuto gave you a thumbs up, not completely understanding your perceived yet comical threat.

And that was when the second whistle blew, granting Oikawa permission to start the match with his infamous serve.

You held your breath, mentally crossing your fingers as he threw the ball high into the air.

His posture was perfected. His eyes focused. And as he jumped, his disheveled hair flew graciously with the breeze.

"OoooooooOooO-LAY!"

❀∙∘✿∘∙❀

Awkward.

That was the mood that settled between you and Oikawa as you buckled up in his passenger seat.

He didn't say a word.

You didn't say a word.

You knew he had planned out the rest of his day trying to make you happy, but since he had lost the most important match of his Highschool volleyball career— all that lingered in his expression was anger.

It pained you to see him so distraught, and for once, you couldn't find anything to say.

There was probably nothing that could fill the silence to distract him.

Oikawa rested his hands on the wheel, taking a deep breath. It seemed that he didn't want to drive. It seemed that he didn't want to do anything but lay down and cry.

"Let me drive." You offered, glancing at him through the corner of your eye.

The boy paused, keys dangling from the ignition at his movements.

"No." Oikawa exhaled harshly. His cheeks were still red, and so were the palms of his hands. Trailing your eyes across his body, you saw bruising forming along his forearms.

He was about to lose it. The boy who never showed his true emotions, the one who put everyone and everything above himself—was about to lose it.

Unbuckling your seat-belt, you shot him an indisputable glare. "Tooru, I'm driving."

"Okay." His voice cracked.

The two of you exited the vehicle, him rounding the back and heading towards the passenger without another sound.

You swallowed hard, glancing around at all the other boys climbing into their cars. Disappointment lingered in the air, like the many times it had before. But this time, it was harsh. It wasn't mindful. This time it didn't promise another chance.

Oikawa slammed the car door shut, snapping you out of your trance.

"Y/N." A voice called from afar.

Turning, you locked eyes with Iwaizumi. His were full of tears. He must be thinking the same thing as Oikawa— all the third years were. They may never make it to nationals.

"Take care of him."

Like you always had.

Setting your hand on the door handle, you gave him a confident nod. "I will."

You lingered on Iwaizumi for a moment, shooting him an equally concerned expression. "Will you be alright?"

He nodded. And that was enough for you. He would be okay, but Oikawa wouldn't. The third year captain needed something only you could give him.

Hopping back into the car, you turned the keys for the second time, properly starting the car. As you adjusted the seat and the mirrors, you wondered if you should just drive to a park and let him sort through his emotions.

His parents were probably worried about him, but they knew you were with him. Oikawa-San was probably already preparing a recovery meal for her beloved son. You didn't even need to ask Oikawa to know that he didn't want to go home and face his parents yet.

It may not be a big deal to most, but to Oikawa, volleyball was his entire world.

Taking matters into your own hands, you backed out of the parking space and sped out of the parking lot. The first step to making him feel better was to get out of that godforsaken gym--one that had let him down one too many times.

There was a park that you wanted to take him to, one that you had found years ago and immediately thought he would like. It had a great view, and it was secluded. It was one that you had gone to many times before.

Plus, you didn't know the way to his house from the gym, and were too shy to directly ask. If he wanted to go home that badly, Oikawa would have expressed that.

"You know you can cry, right?" You finally spoke once you were driving down a straight, growing tired of the silence.

"I can't cry in front of you."

You sighed. "I'm your friend, though."

"You're more than that." The confession slipped past him before he had the time to process it.

Briefly taking your eyes off the road, they flickered to him. There were definite tears glossing over Oikawa's chocolate brown irises, ones that were always so full of life and mischief.

Though indirect, his confirmation about his feelings for you was enough to make your heart beat faster. Was he serious? Or was he trying to distract himself?

"Then that gives you more of a reason to cry in front of me." You said as softly as you could to prevent your voice from shaking.

The truth was something you weren't ready to face head on. The truth was that you didn't know Oikawa anymore—and he didn't know you. Seeing him again had unfortunately sparked that hope.

"Not right now. Not like this." Oikawa confessed, his teeth taking over his bottom lip in an attempt to silence his impulsive thoughts.

Knowing he had just lost in front of you, in front of everyone, for the last time, one of his last games in his High School career— was almost too much to process.

You knew that's what he was thinking.

Your entire being was contradicting your rational thoughts. How was he so easy to predict after all these years?

It had been almost four years since you had last seen him. Four years and you were still not over your crush.

You shook your head immediately. "I know you're afraid of losing, but you already did that, so now there's nothing to be afraid of."

"Wow." He finally choked out a laugh. "Harsh."

Shrugging, your eyes grazed the landscape in front of you. The cityscape was fading away—transforming into something much more familiar, something much more beautiful. A national park that had dozens of hiking trails, one of which led to your favorite thinking spot. One that you wanted to share with Oikawa in his tender moment.

"I've lost so much. Sometimes it's better that way." Your voice came out in a soft whisper. Whenever you reflected on the past, you were unable to remain strong.

Your words sounded so powerful in your mind, but speaking them into existence was an incredibly difficult process.

You just knew you didn't want to pretend to be strong anymore. You were hurting. Though it had been months, you were still not over it.

Oikawa's eyes were wide as you glanced quickly towards him. "Feel the pain. Don't push it away, or else it will come creeping back when you least expect it."

Though he tried to fight against it, the boy was becoming vulnerable with you by his side. He just felt that he could trust you. He always had.

Even so, he couldn't deny that what you were admitting was concerning.

"It seems we're aren't talking about the same thing, Y/N."

The car came to a stop, parked perfectly even between the white lines. Both of you stared forward, appreciating the mystifying view.

"Come with me." You smiled, ignoring his previous statement by exiting the vehicle and slamming the door shut. Once Oikawa followed suit and walked to your side, you tossed him back his keys.

It was comforting to see that for a moment, his eyes were clear. And when you intertwined your fingers with his, he flashed you a tenderhearted smile. One that you had craved to see again for years. For so long that eventually, you had pushed his memory aside.

You still couldn't believe Oikawa was back in your life. And hopefully, this time he would stay.

"Where are we?" He asked, squeezing your hand gently for reassurance. As he peered into the distance, he realized that the forest line seemed to disappear. And beyond it was nothing but the sky.

"At my spot." You admitted sheepishly.

"To do what?" He teased, trying to pry for more information about your life. "To smoke?"

Rolling your eyes, you pulled him over the curb onto the grass field. "To think, dumbass."

"Oh yeah." He admitted matter-of-factly. "My bad for not knowing that this was your spot. In the middle of nowhere."

You and Oikawa crossed the threshold from field to forest coverage, the landmark sign clear in your vision. It wasn't often you came to gaze at the ocean, but when you did—you were always comforted.

No matter what season, no matter what weather. You came here to realize that your problems were small in the grand scheme of life, even if they seemed tremendous in that moment.

Which was exactly what was happening to Oikawa right now. Gazing for miles into the horizon might not have the same affect on him, but it was worth a try.

"Just listen." You encouraged, smiling at the distance sound of the ocean waves crashing against the shoreline rocks. Birds chirped faintly in the forest canopy, the wind rustling through the leaves.

But strangely, your heartbeat was the loudest.

"I am." His grip slackened as the two of you finally came to the edge of the cliff, your free hand gripping the wooden fence barrier.

The view was breathtaking—especially in that moment. The sun was just beginning to tuck behind the horizon, casting an orange shade across the sky.

For Oikawa, the view was just as beautiful, but all he really cared about was being there with you. He could do without the fancy entourage if it meant finally being able to have your heart.

"I hear it." The boy spoke after a few minutes of silence.

"Hear what?" You turned, his voice barely audible through the relentless breeze. One that chilled your bones, but one that was constantly refreshing.

"I hear nature telling me I would be a fool to let you go for the second time."

Cracking a genuine smile, you shook your head lightly. "That was cheesy."

"Yet bringing me here wasn't?" He tugged you closer, realizing that he'd been holding your hand this entire time. Even though he was sporting his warm up jacket, the wind caused him to shiver.

Stopping yourself from completely falling against him, you placed your hand on his chest. Faltering at the intimate contact, you tilted your head to the side, far too flustered to look him in the eyes. "Cheesy or not, you like it."

"Maybe." Oikawa breathed, staring down at you with wonder. The years he had spent away from you had transformed you into a stunning young lady. "It's definitely taking my mind off my failure."

"Failure brings better opportunities."

"Not for me." His voice was low.

"Think about your future, Tooru." Your hand fell away even if it yearned for his contact, for his warmth. He was vulnerable in this moment and you couldn't take advantage of it.

Surprised by your slight rejection, Oikawa stepped even closer. "I am, Y/N. I think about it everyday, but ever since I saw you again, I can't see another day without you."

"Don't say things like that so casually." Your cheeks were red, and there was a sheepish smile upon your lips, but you couldn't look him in the eyes.

Oikawa gripped your hand again, running his thumb over your palm in a reassuring manner. "You know I would never say something like that if I didn't mean it."

He meant it. He meant it with every fiber in his pathetic being. Why was he being so rash? How could a girl like you ever fall for him? Yes, he knew he was conventionally attractive--but he didn't have much else going for him besides his volleyball career. Yet, even that seemed to be ending prematurely.

"I know." You lip quivered, causing Oikawa to focus in on your anguished expression. Were you going to reject him? That idea caused his heart to sink. He had been rejected a couple of times in his life, but they had never made him feel this way. The boy had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted you.

That wish had remained constant for years.

"Then why won't you let me in?" Oikawa moved his hands to gently cup your cheeks, using his thumb to run across your soft and inviting complexion. One that never failed to take his breath away.

As if on instinct, you tilted your head at the motion, practically nudging his calloused hand in a blissful response.

"Tooru..." His name left your lips gracefully, mystifying, like the sound of a violin cord that had just been strummed.

A brief moment of tranquility, one that had revealed your true emotions, was enough to send Oikawa's thoughts spinning. You weren't rejecting him, all you wanted was to take your time. You wanted him to be ready... and you wanted to be ready yourself.

Despite that, Oikawa was finding it hard to keep him composure. Though you hardly made a move, hardly said a thing, you were stunning in his eyes. Everything about you was perfect to him. It had always been, but back then he was too naive to realize the beauty of his friendship with you. The both of you had realized your feelings at the worst time possible. And it seemed that fate was going to repeat the same cycle, causing Oikawa to possibly lose you again.

He was more mature now. And so were you. It had to be right. He had to be with you.

How could Oikawa convey such a thing? No matter what words his brain formulated, they all seemed to fall short.

"You look beautiful right now, Y/N. I mean it."

At the compliment, you bit your lip- eyes immediately glossing over.

Your looks were a blessing and a curse, beautiful you were, but also different. At first glance, he was blinded by your attractiveness, but when he searched deeper into your eyes, there was an unfamiliar melancholy that lingered. The boy could not seem to put his finger on it though— but he was smart enough to notice that something traumatic had taken place.

You were not innocent anymore. And neither was he.

"I can see that the attention has its effects on you." Oikawa observed, knowing that when he had been close to you, attention pointed your way had always caused embarrassment. But nothing to this extent. In many ways, you were the same girl, but in other ways, were incredibly different—with things he never thought would change.

"Looks like we are one in the same." You indirectly referred to his continuous stream of fan girls. Ones that he seemed to be incredibly annoyed of, when other boys his age would relish in the affection.

"No...not at all." He whispered, tracing his finger across your cheek until he gathered enough strands of hair to tuck gently behind your ear. He didn't know how to convince you that he only had eyes for you. Despite the overwhelming attention he received from other girls, he needed to show you that none of that mattered.

Now that you had made him feel better, all he could do was return the favor.

"What happened to you?" Oikawa's words were delicate, tone soft and forthcoming. He had never been as gentle before as he had in that moment.

Seconds passed but all you did was gaze into his eyes. Your history was too much to unload in one sitting. All you wanted to do was enjoy his presence, now that he had come to terms with his volleyball career. "A lot of things." Your vagueness prompted his nose to crinkle with annoyance.

Suddenly, a gust of wind hurdled over the cliff, causing your hair to blow over your shoulders and around the both of your faces. Eventually your strands settled back into place, framing the lines of your features.

A gleeful snicker followed shortly after, causing Oikawa to smile. "I want to hear about them all." He admitted.

Did he actually mean that?  You faltered, suddenly feeling self conscious under his intense gaze. Knowing you could no longer peddle backwards after his decipherable confession, you gripped his jacket, bunching the fabric into a fist.

The force caused Oikawa to stumble, his hand shooting out to grab the guardrail. Eventually, his hands found their place against your hips, inviting you closer, soothing your worries through one simplistic action.

"Kiss me, Tooru. Kiss me again like you did in eight grade when neither of us had anything to worry about."

And this time, Oikawa could not hold himself back.

❀∙∘✿∘∙❀

Tag list!

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[dilfdoctordoom]

What do the JL think of Bette? Specifically Barry, Hal, Clark, Arthur, Ollie, and Diana

I very much love that you included two of my favourite characters here.

Barry:

Bette spent many of her formative years in Gotham, so you can bet your ass that this girl is ACAB

Now, I don’t know if you’ve been called a bastard by a thirteen-year-old in a red dress, but Barry Allen has

Life-altering experience

He spends an hour asking Bruce what he did wrong, why does Bat-Girl hate him? He hasn’t even spoken to her yet what could he have done

And Bruce just... the fun explanation that she hates all cops. Instantly. Oh you’re a CSI that must be fun, it doesn’t matter, it’s already on sight for you

Like, okay, in Gotham? Pretty much every cop is dirty. Gordon, Montoya & Bullock are the only ones that Bette knows aren’t & she still doesn’t really trust them

So she’s not gonna be particularly nice to Barry Allen & Bruce literally has to tell her to behave

(Kathy is very amused by it all)

There’s a moment where Barry thinks she just hates speedsters, but then she & Wally seem to be getting on great. Like, Kid Flash is awesome, cool fast guy. Flash is a cop & therefore she cannot trust him

Bat-Girl: I can respect you as a hero but I do not like you as a person

So, yeah, Barry’s, uh, iffy on her. He’s sure she’s a great hero & she seems nice to the others, but he’d really rather not work with her, even when she’s Flamebird/Hawkfire. Especially when she’s Flamebird/Hawkfire, then she’s got tasers & flamethrowers

Hal:

Very different from how she interacts with Barry

Mainly because she first meets Hal after Kathy’s died & she goes to Coast City as part of her whole ‘run away from her emotions’ thing

She’s always loved the beach & Coast is supposed to be so nice. Plus, they’ve got Green Lantern; they’re not gonna need her to suit up, are they?

And then there’s an incident with Manhunters & like, Hal’s got this handled, no doubt about it, but also, Bette is impulsive & has a massive hero complex & yes she does suit up & help out. She does it because it’s right, because she’s angry, just because

But Hal kinda freaks out? Because she’s a kid and yeah, that might fly in Gotham where Batman can keep an eye on her, but oh god, what if he was fighting Sinestro? That’s low key terrifying to him, he doesn’t wanna put a kid in danger

He’s still good with kids. Like, that’s canon, he’s just good with them. So he & Bette do get along & after he gets over the initial ‘please do not fight mass murdering robots you need adult supervision & idk if I qualify for that’, they do actually spend time together!

Mainly because Hal isn’t too comfortable letting a teenage vigilante who just experienced a massive lost be alone & honestly? He’s right. Like, Kathy has just died & Bette threw herself into an extremely dangerous fight... red flags all around, my dudes

So they do work together while she’s in Coast. She only stays a few weeks before she moves on, but she does kinda like Green Lantern?

And the feeling’s mutual. They don’t really keep in contact but Hal keeps an eye on the news to make sure she’s okay & not, uh, dead

They don’t actually meet face to face until a dumb Justice League party years later & then they discover that Bruce finds Hal annoying... he finds the concept of Bette & Hal even being acquaintances annoying... he’s given them the ultimate weapon. Bruce Wayne goes grey earlier and it’s because Hal & Bette spend an entire night pretending that they went on a massive space adventure, full of danger & peril, solely to drive up his blood pressure

Hal doesn’t look into her identity all that much, but thinks she’s fun. Anyone who annoys Bruce for fun is cool in his book

(And I know this is supposed to focus on his feelings about her but consider: Bette meets the Green Lantern of Coast City & he lets her stay in his shitty rundown apartment. Everything that can go wrong for him seems to, but he’s still there, making jokes and saving people and doing the right thing. His willpower keeps him going, even on the darkest of nights and maybe, just maybe, Bette’s stubbornness picked up a little bit of inspiration for somebody along the way)

(And maybe, maybe, she joins the fight against Parallax and realizes just how far her heroes can fall)

Clark:

Um, well, I absolutely headcanon that Clark gave Bette the name Flamebird. Like, told her the story, made a series of not-so-subtle mentions that she should take up the name...

So, yes, Clark knows Bette

She’s Bruce’s cousin, after all, and he’s his best friend. Of course, their paths would cross, especially with how often Clark seemed to work with Batman & Robin when they first started out

He’s worked with her a lot when she’s Bat-Girl & every single time, Bette is starstruck because oh my god, that’s Superman, she’s talking to Superman, she’s working with Superman

He tells her the legend of Nightwing & Flamebird when she’s a kid & she loves the concept of Flamebird. She’s only twelve at the time, but something about it clicks with her

And when she gives up on being Bat-Girl, but is still determined to be a hero, he suggests Flamebird

(Bette absolutely tears up at this)

They don’t really work together when she gets older, except on big, world ending disasters that require the entire Justice League’s attention, but he still sends her one of Ma Kent’s apple pies for the holidays

Clark’s just the cool uncle from when was younger

She stills freaks out a little every time he talks to her, though

She’s never gonna get over knowing Superman

Arthur:

It took me a while to think about this but, yes, Arthur likes Bette

Mainly because Bette is a friend of La’gaan’s. That’s pretty much how he knows her

He doesn’t even know she’s a part of the Batfamily for years, because she’s always seen with the Titans

So, like, he doesn’t really know her that much, but she’s a good friend to one of his sidekicks & La’gaan’s already made passing mentions to crashing at her & Gar’s place, so. Yeah. She got Aquaman’s seal of approval

Though Arthur is always gonna be entertained by how much teasing Flamebird is allowed to get away with. Most of the League may not be aware of her Special Cousin Privilages, he isn’t either, but it’s absolutely hilarious to see her tear into Batman at random

11/10, good friend to La’gaan, very entertaining. Would be better if she could keep a goldfish alive

Ollie:

Okay, so, Ollie is, like, shown to be nicer to the younger heroes, Kyle excluded because he’s dating his son, so she’s gonna be nice to her. Or, at least, Ollie nice. Hm.

He thinks she’s way too small when she first starts out because even when she’s eleven, Bette still looks like she’s nine, but she’s got two heroes looking out for her & with a kid sidekick of his own, he’s not in a place to judge

Aside from one poor team-up between Green Arrow & Speedy and Batwoman & Bat-Girl, where Ollie & Kathy absolutely butted heads, oh my god, they’d hate each other, he didn’t see much of her. He works in Star, she works in Gotham, when are their paths gonna cross

While she works less with most Leaguers the older she gets, she actually ends up working more with Ollie when she’s older

Mainly ‘cause she’s friends with Roy & Cass may be friends with Connor, but that doesn’t mean she can drive so sometimes she’ll get Bette to bring her to Star

Which is honestly what Ollie knows her most as: Batgirl’s older sister who’ll lend a hand whenever she’s in Star

She’s good with kids, efficient & a little showy, but he really can’t judge that last part. Got Roy & Dinah’s stamp of approval, though, & that goes a long way with him

They never, like, exclusively work together, but she’s good to call on in an emergency

He did do a double take when she called Deathstroke ‘uncle’ though because... well, look, at Flamebird. Now look at Deathstroke. Do you see his confusion? It only grows when Slade lets out the most exasperated sigh, mutters something about how he wishes he could kill her without Addie getting mad, and then Bette sticks her tongue out to him & makes some joke about the shitshow he married into

Well. At least his family will never involve Deathstroke

Diana:

Diana gave Bette the shovel talk

This is when DonnaBette is happening & close to figuring out each other’s identities & probably the biggest hint for Bette is Wonder Woman flying down to tell her that if she breaks Wonder Girl’s heart, she’ll have her to answer to

So. Diana’s first impression of Bette is Flamebird having an anerysm on a rooftop in Gotham because she just realized she’s dating Wonder Girl

The absolute dumbassary of DonnaBette, unparalled

Diana likes Bette, thinks she’s probably a great person, but it is her legal job as Donna’s big sister to make it clear that if anything happens to her baby sister, it means war

They end up meeting later, after Donna & Bette have had their mutual break-up, when Diana is working with Kate & Bette is still unable to form a full sentence. Wonder Woman oh my god, oh my god, her brain doesn’t work that’s actual literal Wonder Woman oh my go-

Bruce did later let it slip that after the Maxwell Lord incident, Bette was 100% on Wonder Woman’s side, which she honestly didn’t expect, but eh. Bette’s not as big on the whole no killing as her cousin

Diana mainly knows Bette in the capacity of her being Donna’s girlfriend

Definitely prefers her to some of Donna’s other partners ie Terry because I don’t csre what anyone says, that relationship was trash & I will not pretend that miss Diana Prince was okay with her nineteen-year-old sister dating a divorcee in his thirties that was also her professor

[chickensarentcheap]

Best Part  of Me - Chapter 2

Warnings: very light smut

Tagging: @thunderintheshadows​, @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​

It's shortly before midnight when she joins him outside; just beyond the back fence and gate that he and Ovi had built to keep the kids -or at least attempt to- contained when outside on their own.  Their property is private and secluded; just the kind of quiet, and security they'd been craving. Fifteen acres with its own stretch of private beach,  a vast area of woodlands to the left, just beyond the guest house that Ovi and Chloe share, and their closest neighbour two hundred yards away.  

In Colorado their 'thing' had been to end the evening out on the porch swing; it was often their only chance to actually carry on a proper conversation without being constantly interrupted by the kids. When they could temporarily stop being parents and just be Tyler and Esme.  The therapist had been adamant about it; that they both realize their roles in each others lives far extended raising a family together. That they needed to get back to staying connected beyond the realms of parenthood; important that the connection was not just physical, but emotional as well. At first Tyler had thought it was all a load shit; both what the therapist had said and needing to see one in the first place. That the change of pace and scenery would be more than enough to not only keep the connection between them and make it stronger. Not realizing until they had started sitting down to talk to someone just how fractured things actually were. He'd always thought that things were fine; that they'd gotten past the toughest and darkest spots and that they were nowhere near disintegrating and that if their problems ever got that bad, they'd be able to get through it on their own.

Once they actually started concentrating on things -the way they fought and the intensity in which they did, the horrible things that were said to one another- it became apparent that there was a lot repairing that needed to be done. It wouldn't been easy or a short fix, but at least it could be put back together.

The sand is soft beneath her feet; cool and refreshing as it slips between her toes. The beach itself is relatively unspoiled and remarkably preserved; the old owners never using it, preferring to just enjoy the views of the ocean and the remarkable sunsets.  Their road itself hasn't seen children in in over thirty years, and shortly after they'd move in they would routinely find notes and small presents for the kids in their mailbox from residents further down. About how nice it was to them see them out on their bikes or chasing one another, how great it was to hear their shouts and their laughter.

Mac lays beside Tyler on a blanket on the beach, raising his head to watch her as she approaches; giving small whimpering noises -his happy sounds, as the vet calls them-, tail beginning to sway back and forth.  He's grown like weed; not even full size yet but massive and strong. But despite the mail man's fear of him, he's surprisingly docile. Growing up with four kids that constantly love on you and never you leave you alone and always sneak you treats will do it. And he's loyal and fiercely intelligent; always sensing when one of his people may need a little bit extra attention.  Tyler's arm rests along Mac's back, hand slowly stroking the shepherd's impossibly large ears and scratching the scruff of his neck.

“You need to move,” Esme says, and points to a spot on the sand. “You're in my spot you stinky, hairy beast.”

Her husband doesn't move his forearm from over his eyes. “Are you talking to me or the dog?”

“You're not that stinky,” she playfully retorts, and then once more points to the sand. “Mac, seriously. Move. I know he's your person, but he's my person too and you have to share him.”

All it takes from Tyler is a ruffle of the fur and a “Move, mate” and the dog obliges; sauntering over to his master's other side, the curling up in the sand, making sure that least one of his paws is in contact with Tyler's body.

“Worst behaved dog ever,” Esme grumbles, and sinks down onto the blanket, lying on her side and tucking herself under her husband's arm when he immediately wraps it around her. His hand coming to rest on her shoulder as she places hers on his stomach and rest her head on his chest. It's soothing. The sound and smell of the ocean, the warmth of his body and how solid it is against her, the scent that clings to him; mixture of cologne, laundry detergent, and sweat. It's familiar, but remarkably him.

“Kids asleep?” he asks, and she nods.

“Every last one,” she replies with a content sigh.

It doesn't happen often; the three older ones falling asleep fairly early and easily, while Declan and Addie spend hours alternating who needs the most attention.

Her hand continues to rub his stomach; she likes the extra weight he carries there now. His body thicker than it was before. Even more muscular and powerful.  And she rests her chin on his shoulder and looks up at him, his forearm still over his eyes.

“Tired?” he asks, his palm slowly moving over her shoulder and down her arm, then travelling back up again.

“When am I not tired? Do you and Ovi work tomorrow?”

“Just a few odd jobs. I shouldn't be home too late.”

It had been an easy decision; getting back into doing home renos and general repairs. They don't particularly need the money, a large chunk of the five million left even after buying the house, all the furnishings, and doing repairs and upgrades. But he enjoys working with his hands; the finished results giving him a sense of accomplishment.  It keeps him busy and his mind focused on the task at hand, and having Ovi with him meant he could let the kid handle any personal contact with clients and Tyler himself  could avoid actually having to interact with people.

Her hand slips under the front of his shirt, finger lightly drawing a circle around his navel, and she feels him shudder against her when she runs a fingertip along the waist band of jeans.

He clears his throat noisily.  “Do you mind?”

“No, actually I don't,” she grins, one finger dipping underneath the denim, then slowly moving along his skin.

“Well you should,” Tyler grabs a hold of her wrist, pulling her hand out of his pants and then entwining their fingers together. “Stop.”

“Like you're not enjoying it.”

“That's the problem. I am enjoying it.”

“It's been three months,” she laments.

Sighing, he nods.

“Three months, fifteen days and thirteen hours,” she clarifies, and he opens his eyes and looks down at her. “What?” she shrugs. “You're not keeping track?”

He grins. “I may or may not have it in my calendar on my phone.”

She laughs at that, then buries her face in his neck; lips pressing a series of soft, feathery kisses on his jaw line, just under his beard.

“Would you stop...” he uses the side of his head to push her away, and shifts uncomfortably against the sand. “....knock it off.”

“You don't miss it?”  she refuses to be deterred, her free had coming up to comb through his hair as her lips find the side of his neck, the tip of her tongue trailing over the scar left behind from Dhaka.

“Of course I miss it. I miss it a fuck of a lot, but...stop...seriously...stop...”

“That's a first for you. I didn't think you knew that word.”

“You need to just calm yourself down and leave me alone,” he grumbles.

“My hormones are insane,” she pouts. “Like off the charts insane. And it's been three and a half months and I miss you.”

“How can you miss me? I'm right here. Every day.”

“No, I mean I miss you.”

A slow grin spreads across his face. “You mean in the biblical sense?”

She giggles. “Exactly. What you don't miss me?”

“Of course I do. We just...” the frustration finally gets the better of him and he shoves her over onto her side, then grabs a hold of both of her wrists in one hand before lying down behind her. “...it's too soon.”

“It's been two weeks since she was born.”

“Which is way too soon,” he insists, and pressing a kiss to the back of her head, groaning when she slides closer to him, so that her ass pressed right against his crotch. “Really? Are you serious right now?”

“I think I know my body.”

“Well so does the doctor and he says it's too soon. So...” he has to pull his hips back so no more contact can be made. “...fuck off, already.”

“You're grumpy.”

“I'm not grumpy. I'm horny. And sexually frustrated. And you know damn well what you're doing right now and you need to stop.”

“There's other things we can do,” she reminds him.

“Yeah and I won't be able to stop at just the other things. So please,” he tightens his hold on her wrists and presses a kiss to her shoulder. “Stop. Be nice to me.”

“I was going to be very nice to you, But fine...” she dramatically huffs. “...if you want to have to keep studying alone.”

“I think I can handle another two or three weeks of 'studying alone'. That's nothing compared to three fucking months. You going to be good?”

“If you insist.”

“I do,” he says, and kisses her cheek. “Unfortunately.”

He releases his hold on her wrists, lacing their fingers together once again pressing their joined hands against her; eyes closed, face buried in her hair.

****

“I heard you met the hot teacher today,” she comments.

“She's about twenty years older than me but if you think she's hot...”

“You damn well know that's not who I was talking about. I mean Millie's teacher. The little blond thing with big boobs.”

“I didn't even notice.”

“Oh please. You're a guy.”

“I'm a guy that's not interested in meeting other women. So...”

“Your daughter said she was all 'touchy feely' with daddy.”

“She was not all touchy feely. She tried to touch my arm. And give me her phone number.”

Esme scowls at him over her shoulder. “Excuse me, what?”

“To talk about your daughter,” Tyler clarifies. “Because your daughter has a mouth on her.”

“Maybe because she takes after you.”

He snorts.

“She is all you and you know it. I am not taking the blame for her mouth. She is all attitude. Your attitude. She even has the same facial expressions as you. So I am not being held responsible for her being a smart ass. You can deal with that. You can give her shit.”

“I already did. I told her not to be so much like her mother,” he laughs as she attempts to elbow him in the stomach, then lifts his head and kisses the corner of her mouth.

“Millie says the teacher likes you. And that she's going to ask you out on a date.”

“Yeah? Good for her. I like you. So she's shit out of luck.”

“Six years and we're still at the like stage?” she teases. “I thought we'd at least be at infatuation by now.”

He grins. “We are way past infatuation, baby.”

“Do you think she's cute?”

“Who?

She huffs dramatically. “Millie's teacher. Do you think she's cute?”

“I think you're cute.”

“That's not what I asked.”

“I dunno,” he shrugs. “I wasn't paying attention. I'm not looking to pick up so why would I?”

“You must have noticed if she was cute or not.”

“Baby...” he sighs. “...I'm not looking at other women. I'm perfectly happy with the one I have.”

“So you've never thought about it? Hooking up with someone else?”

“Have you?”

“We're not talking about me. I have no reason to want to find someone to hook up with. Maybe you do. It's been three months.”

“Three and half but who's keeping track?”

“And in that whole time you've never thought about it?”

“Esme, I don't want to fight. I just want to lie here and hold you and talk. Normal talk. Not the talking that leads to a fight. It's too late and I'm too tired. I have never, ever thought about that.  Not once in the last six and a bit years. Cheat on my wife because she's pregnant and can't put out? I do know how to jerk off, you know.”

“You said a long time ago it wasn't the same,” she points out.

“It isn't. But that doesn't mean I want to fuck someone else.  There's only you. There's only been you since we met. And it's only going to be you for the rest of my life. So stop...” he kisses her temple. “...don't turn this into a thing.”

“I swear if that teacher asks you out on a date...”

“No one is asking anyone out on a date. Your daughter is super paranoid. And she has a fucking mouth on her.”

“Then watch your fucking language around her,” Esme retorts, and they both laugh.  After several minutes she rolls over to face him; forehead resting against his, a hand coming out to push through his hair. “You okay?”

“Why wouldn't I be?”

“That was a big step for you today. Huge, actually.  You haven't been able to anything like that in two months. Especially going into town with that many of the kids with you? At least not without an anxiety attack. Everything went okay?”

“Everything was fine.”  He doesn't tell her about the hyper-vigilance being in overdrive; noticing every little sound, every little movement out of the corner of his eye.  It hasn't been that bad in a couple of months. Whether he's learned how to control it or if it's actually getting better, he doesn't know. But being that alert and that agitated at the park had not been a good sign.  

“I'm proud of you,” she says, and presses a kiss to the bridge of his nose. “I know how hard you're trying. I also know how hard it is for you to go out of your comfort zone like that. And that you it somehow makes you weak; that you have the issues you do.”

He nods in agreement.

“You are far from being a weak man, Tyler.  You are anything but weak. Don't let your brain tell you otherwise, okay?”

“Okay,” he agrees, giving a small, unconvincing smile.

“You're brave whether you see yourself that way or not. You fight against your own mind every second of every day. And you win every time.  If that's not brave, I don't know what it is.”

He lays a hand on the side of her face and kisses her; long and soft, closed mouth open closed mouth. Then chuckles when she attempts to push her lower body against his, his hand falling to her hip to prevent it from happening. “You told me you'd be good.”

“Then stop being so good at making me want to do bad things,” she responds, and he presses a kiss to her forehead. They're silent for several minutes; listening to the sound of the ocean, feeling each others warm breath against their faces. And he once more places his forehead against hers, a hand on the small of her back.

“What are you thinking about?” Esme asks. “And don't say nothing because your throat always gets tight and you get those creases in your forehead.”

“I dunno,” he shrugs. “Stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Stuff that you don't need to worry about.”

“I hate to break it to you, but your stuff became my stuff when you decided you wanted to get married. So it's technically our stuff now.”

“We're not supposed to talk about the kids when we're having 'us time' remember?”

“I don't think we're expected to totally stop talking about them. That's impossible. We have five of them. One is bound to come up in conversation. And I actually brought Millie up first when I mentioned the hot teacher, so that means you get to mention at least one kind now. It's only fair.”

He grins. “You have weird rules.”

“You expect anything less than weird? Buddy, are you new here? Our house is full of weird.”

He can't argue with that.

“It's about Tyler isn't it.” It's a statement, not a question, and he gives a nod of confirmation. “If we could just get in to see the doctor or find another taking new patients....”

“Maybe the one in Sydney isn't a bad idea,” he suggests.

“You're the one who said it was too far to go,” she reminds him. “And neither of us like the fact that she's pro school and pro pushing medication.”

“I do not want to drug my kid up. He's five.”

“But that's what they're suggesting,” she fidgets with the chain around his neck as she talks. “Or what this doctor told them we should do.”

“He's five,” Tyler stresses. “He's a little boy.:

“I know, but...”

“He's a little boy,” he firmly repeats. “And I'm not letting them turn him into a fucking zombie.”

“I don't know what more we can do without outside help,” she frets. “We've tried taking certain things out of his diet, we've given him supplements, we've given him punishments and choice rewards for good behaviour. So until we get to see who we want...”

“He is not going on medication. We already talked about this. You know how I feel. He's a little boy. My little boy. He's my son.”

“He's my son too,” she gently reminds him. “And you're not the only going through this, remember?  We're supposed to be in this together. It's not supposed to divide us.”

“There has to be something else we can try. Even if it means taking him to that doctor in Sydney.  Just to see what they say.”

“They're going to say put him on meds.”

Tyler sighs.

“I know you're mad, but...”

“I'm not mad. I'm frustrated. Millie and Tanner are doing fine. They're not having issues. They're doing better here than they were in Colorado.”

“Well, Tyler's different. He feels things differently. He always has. Tanner may be the sensitive one, but Tyler's the intense one. And he's been that way since he was a baby. A lot of emotions inside that little head and body of his.  He just doesn't know how to deal with them. Who does that remind you of?”

He stares at her pointedly.

“Don't even try to pin this on me. Millie and Tyler are the ones that are exactly like you.  Millie just isn't as intense as you two.”

“He told me today that he hates his brain,”  emotions chokes at him as he speaks. It's heartbreaking; to her that your kid thinks they're broken and needs someone to fix them. “That he hates how it works. That is doesn't work right.”

She gives a small, sympathetic smile and lays a hand on the side of his face; thumb running across his lips, knuckles brushing against his beard.

“He asked me if I would fix it. Fix him. How the fuck am I supposed to do that when I can't even fix my myself.?”

“He's not broken, Tyler. And neither are you.”

“What he's like this because of me? What if I passed something along? Like some kind of fucked up gene?”

“That's not how it works. That's not how any of this worlds. You didn't start having issues until you were an adult and started doing the job. It's everything you've done and everything you've seen. It's because you almost died. You didn't pass something down to him.”

“I hate this. For him. That he's going through this and we have no goddamn clue how to help him.”

“It's not that we're not trying...”

“Maybe we're not trying hard enough. There has to be other things out there, yeah? Things we can up on and...”

“Tyler, we have four other kids,” Esme reminds him. “They need us too. And we have a baby. A brand new one. And she needs us...both of us...even more. We've done everything we can for now. And don't even suggest pulling him from school because I can deal with that. Not with Declan and a newborn. There is no way I cope with that. And I already know you won't be able to handle it, so get that thought out of your head.”

“We can hire someone.”

“To do what? We don't even know what's going on with him.  We need to find someone that can figure all of that out. You know we can't take on anything else. You need be out there keeping yourself busy and I've got a toddler and a baby to look after.”

“So we call the people in Sydney and take him there. It's something at least. At least someone can look at him and tell us what the fuck is going on. Because this is bullshit. Not knowing how to help him. It's bullshit and it sucks. He's a little boy.”

“If that's what you want to do, we'll do it. If you think Sydney is the best option...”

“It's the only option. Right now at least. I don't want this dragging on and him ending up like me. Because I'm fucked up. I don't want that for him.”

“Okay...first of all...” she shoves him over onto his back, then straddles his waist. “...you are not fucked up. You have some issues, yes. But you're working on them. That's all that matters. Second, I love you. And I'm tired of you shit talking yourself all the time. You're brave and you're strong...”

Tyler rolls his eyes.

Scowling, she takes his face in her hands. “ You are brave and you're strong and so is your son. You're both going to be okay. And you can't convince me otherwise.”

Grinning, he lays his hands on her eyes. “And you call me stubborn?”

“You are honestly the most hard headed, insufferable pain in the ass I've ever met. But...” she runs her hands up and down his chest. It's been six years yet she still hasn't tired of the way he feels; all hard muscle and sheer power. “...you're my hard headed, insufferable pain in the ass. You're stuck with me. Sorry.”

“I can think of worse people to be stuck with.”

“I bet the hot blond teacher isn't one of those people,” she snidely remarks, and then shrieks when he abruptly sits up, wraps an arm around her waist and flips her over onto her back; a hand behind his head to avoid it striking the sand.

“Fuck the hot teacher.”

“That's exactly what she wants. I mean, I can't say I blame her. That's pretty much all I wanted when I first met you too, so...”

“So now the truth comes out,” he teases, as he kneels between her splayed thighs, and leans over her, hands on either side of her head, bearing his weight on outstretched arms. “Six years later.”

“Six years and two months, actually. But yes. Yes, it's the truth. I totally would have let you take advantage of me the same day we met. In that crappy little shack of yours. I no longer feel shame in admitting that.”

“You should have just told me then. I would have been game.”

“Oh right!” she laughs. “Hey strange Australian with the nice hair and even nicer eyes, let's fuck,”

“I see absolutely nothing wrong with that,” he grins.

“You would have thought I was a slut. And that would have made working together extremely awkward.”

“Why? We were fucking in Dhaka anyway. Wouldn't have made a difference if we fucked before that.”

“You might have decided  you didn't want to do it again.”

“Yeah....right...” he chuckles. “...that totally would have happened. I would have definitely been able to stop at just one time.”

His words make her think of G; that last conversation they'd had in the forest while waiting for Tyler to reach the extraction point with Ovi. Shortly before everything had just turned to pure and utter shit. How he'd playfully teased her about knowing exactly what had been going on in that hotel room for five days; that any single, red blooded male would have jumped on a situation like that and taken advantage of it.  And how'd he turned towards her; his face and his tone suddenly so serious.

“He's not going to be able to let you go, you know.”

She hadn't thought much about it at the time. Things were still so new and they still had a long road ahead of them when it came to actually getting to know each other outside of sex.  No one know how awful things would go; they all thought they had so much time left.  She and Tyler would travel together and see if there was the chance of something real developing; if there were feelings that extended past pure, animalistic lust. And G would return to his wife and they'd start the family they so desperately wanted.

And then everything changed. In the blink of an eye. G never made it out of that forest. At least not alive. And she'd end up spending the next few months practically living at the hospital; getting to know her future husband in the midst of all of the pain and the surgeries and the therapies.  And maybe, in a way, things were better because of it. Because they'd started things off in the darkest and most worrisome of places.   It couldn't get much worse than the immediate aftermath of Dhaka. Not by a long shot.

“What's a matter?” Tyler asks, when she squeezes her eyes shut.

“I was just thinking about something,” she opens her eyes and gives a reassuring smile. “About someone actually. G.”

He frowns.

“Not like that! Just something he said. When we were in the forest. I haven't thought about it in over six years.”

“What was it about?”

“You, actually.”

He arches an eyebrow.

“It was all good, I swear.  He was actually talking you up. Putting in a good word for you. And it must have worked. Because here we are.”

“Yeah...” he grins. “...here we are.”

He leans down to kiss her.  Longer this time. Deeper. Not pulling away when he feels her tongue slip between his lips and press against his teeth; allowing his mouth to open and meeting her tongue with his. It's the most intense kiss they've shared in three and a half months; complications in the last trimester making things complicated and worrisome and forcing all thoughts -and need- of sex right out the window. And he feels one of her hands in his hair, the other slipping up the back of his t-shirt, needy fingers exploring his muscles. “You shouldn't kiss me like that,”  he's breathless when he pulls away, and shivers when her nails slowly travel down his spine. “Or do that.”

“You kissed me first,” she argues. “So this is your fault.”

“Yeah but you're the one feeling me up,” he points out, back stiffening, teeth biting down on his bottom lip when those nails drift along the small of his back, just under the waist of his jeans.

“I can't help it. I can't help if if sexy lumberjacks turn me on.”

He chuckles at that, then buries his face in her neck with a frustrated groan.  “I don't think it's just sexy lumberjacks.”

“You're right.  It's just you in general. And by the feel of things...” she lifts her hips, so her body comes in contact with his crotch. “...you're kind of turned on too.”

“Kinda? There's no kinda in this.”

“There are other things,” she reminds him, as her fingertips -still under the waist of his jeans- slide around to his stomach.  “We just can't have actual sex.”

“I told you. I won't be able to stop at just other things.”

“Get it together, Tyler. You're almost forty one.  You're more than capable of stopping at the other stuff. Please?”  her mouth is against his ear; breath warm against it.  And his entire body shudders when she traces the outer edge with the tip of her tongue. “I just really miss you. And I really...really...really need you get me off.”

“You can't do it yourself? I've had to do it myself. For three months.”

“I could. But I want you to do it. Because I miss you and you're so good at. So very, very, very good. Please?” her teeth scrape against his earlobe. “Pretty please?”

“Esme....you know this is a bad idea...”

“How can something that feels this good be a bad idea? We're not having sex. We're just making each other feel good. Wouldn't you rather me do it for a change? Instead of having to do it for yourself?”

“I would actually,” he admits.

“Then...” her lips are on his neck now; kissing, sucking, biting. “...what the hell's your issue?”

“No issue. I just...fuck...” he groans, when her tongue finds that scar on the side of his neck. “...maybe we should go inside.”

“Let's stay here. I can actually make noise out here.”

He grins, then reaches for the ties on the front of her pants. “Very good point.”

Her eyes close and she gives a long, content sigh when his palm comes in contact with her pussy, and he finds her hot and wet; her entire body shuddering when he presses the tip of his index fingers against her clit. She won't last long. He can hear it in her ragged breathing, feel it in the way her entire body tenses, and how her greedy, frantic fingers pop open the button on his jeans. And he groans against her neck at even the simplest of touch; painfully hard and leaking precum, hips jerking against her hand when her thumb brushes over the engorged tip.  

It's like being a teenager again; frantically making out, hoping to get off before being caught, lasting just as long. Only a handful of minutes before she's demanding that he kiss her as the orgasm hits, all noise muffled by his mouth against hers. And when her hand tightens around him and picks up pace, he's coming as well, face buried in her neck as he issues a long drawn out “Fuck”.

Neither of them moves of speaks for what feels like hours, and eventually Tyler rolls over onto his back, a forearm over his eyes, his chest heaving. He'd missed it. Missed her. But it wasn't until now that he realized just how much.

She snuggles into him, an arm across his stomach, head on his chest. And he drops a kiss on the top of her head and softly strokes her back.

“Thank you,” she sighs, and then giggles, and he can't help but laugh.

“No. Thank you,” he says.

Another sigh, then raises her head long enough to place a kiss to his chin.

He pushes a hand through her hair, letting it fall to the space between her shoulders. “I love you.”

“So that's what it takes to get an 'I love you',” she teases.

The words come easily to him now, but the first eight months of marriage had been a struggle for him when it came to saying them. His first foray into being a husband hadn't ended well; he'd broken her with his decision to leave while their son was dying, but not before she'd broken him by cheating multiple times while he was stationed overseas.  It had made falling in love difficult, but had made expressing it even more difficult. Now he says it all the time. Never missing the opportunity to tel her. And vice versa.

“I do you know,” he says. “Love you.”

“I know you do,” she rubs his stomach softly, smiled up at him. “I love you too.”

He kisses her temple, then tightens his hold on her. Wishing they could stay like that...lying on this beach...forever.

[13-reasons-ideas]

Can’t Go Back Part 7

A/N: I had some issues with inspiration for this chapter, so it is more of a filler chapter. I hope you still like it. The next chapters will be better, I promise. It’s a shorter one. Like and reblog. As always, much love. 

I was in the kitchen typing feverously on my laptop when Monty got home from practice. “Hey Addy. What are you working on?”

“College essay.” I replied, not looking up at him.

“How’s it going?”

“Fine. I have to write like three more though after this one. And my top three schools want creative writing samples.”

Monty whistled. “You know it’s only the end of October, right?”

“I know but early decisions are due by like the middle of November for Ole Miss and NYU. My safety schools are due by mid-December.”

“You could also apply for regular admission too. Save yourself the stress rash.”

“Says the boy who has athletic scholarships coming out his ass. You don’t need to make a decision until regular admissions open, at the earliest.”

“With your grades, I see no reason you wouldn’t get an academic scholarship babe.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do though. Have a little hope.”

“I’ll try. For now though, I’m going to spend as much of my free time as I can, writing essays and hounding my teachers for recommendation letters.”

“Okay then. Have you eaten yet?”

“Depends what you consider eating.”

“Food. Not dry cereal, real food.”

“Oh, then no.”

“Addison.”

I looked up at him, “Montgomery.”

“It’s almost seven.”

“Really?” I looked at the clock on my laptop and saw the time for the first time since I got home. “Oh, look at that.”

“Yeah. What do you want to eat?”

“Doesn’t matter, what did you want? I stopped at Walplex on the way home for a few things.”

He opened the fridge and examined the contents. “Was the chicken for something specific?”

“The fresh or roasted?”

“Roasted.”

“No, it was fresh when I got to the store and it was on sale, so I shredded it when we got home. What did you have in mind?”

“Chicken pot pie?”

“Even though it has vegetables?”

“There’s enough stuff in it to cover up the vegetable taste.”

“Sure. Whatever chicken we don’t use tonight can go in the freezer. Can you proofread this after dinner?”

“Of course.” He said as he grabbed one of the ziplocs of chicken. I saved my work and got up to help him. Together, we made dinner, with only the occasional snack or errant vegetable being tossed at each other. The puff pastry I had spent the entire weekend making, worked well. That went in the freezer along with the chicken at the end of the night.

The following morning went a little smoother than usual. Monty was a little less of a pain to get out of bed, so I didn’t need to call Charlie or make outrageous requests to get him up. I brought my laptop to school so I could work on my applications during my free period. “You need to give yourself a break Addy.”

“Can’t take a break. This determines my future. It determines our future, depending where I get in.”

“I suppose you’re right.” I smiled at him as we left the house, knowing the issue would be at rest for now.

We met Scott and Charlie to grab coffee from Monet’s before school. As we were waiting for our orders, Justin and Clay came in. “Oh joy. Here we go again.” Monty muttered to Charlie. They ordered and walked over to us.

“Hey Addy.”

“Hey Justin. Clay.”

“Hey.” Clay replied, awkwardly nodding to Monty and his friends.

“Something is different about you.” Justin said.

“I think it’s called, ‘I didn’t go to sleep until three thirty in the morning and had an energy drink before breakfast.’” Monty said.

“Ew.” Clay muttered, under his breath. We still heard him though.

“Not that it’s gross, but we weren’t up. I’ve been told that’s not allowed by my surgeon. She was up writing until three thirty, when I rolled over and the light woke me up.”

“Oh.” Clay blushed, embarrassed.

“College applications.” I explained.

“It’s October Addy.” Clay pointed out.

“That’s what I told her last night. Would she listen?”

“No. Of course, she wouldn’t.” Clay chuckled. I stood to the side, watching their interaction, my eyes shifting between Scott and Charlie, and Justin. They’re seeing this too, right?

“She brought her laptop with her so she can work on them more.”

“Of course, she did.”

“Okay. I have my coffee we can go now.”

“Sure.”

“Hey Addison, lunch today?” Clay asked after us.

“Okay. I’ll see you then.” I said Monty put his arm around my shoulder and we left the café.

Since we were running early again, I spent the morning with Monty’s friends. “How’s your knee today?” Mark asked.

“It’s fine. Same as yesterday.”

“How long did the doctor say you would be on crutches?”

“A few weeks. Then I can start walking and doing physical therapy. The goal is being back to training and sports by sometime between February and April.”

“That really sucks. Got any more stories for us this morning Addison?”

“Hmmm… let me think.” I adjusted my bag while I thought. My ring caught the light glimmering brightly and I smiled. I think I’m going to like this wearing my ring in public thing.

“Does he actually help you grocery shop or does he just put random stuff in the cart?” Garrison asked.

“He helps, usually. Sometimes it’s more of a ‘can we get this’ kind of help, but he helps yes. That reminds me, we need to go grocery shopping on Saturday.”

“Okay. Why?”

“My mom’s birthday dinner Sunday night? It’s on the calendar in the kitchen. Also, do you enjoy having food in the house?”

“Right, right. Do you think she would be mad if I got her another world’s best professor mug? And yes. Food is nice.”

“Mad? No. Annoyed? Probably.”

“What do you suggest I get her then?”

“A candle? Women like candles.” Aaron suggested. Monty gave him a jokingly unamused look and then looked at me.

“Trust me, I know. I made the mistake of saying she could use the joint chequing account at Bath and Body Works. The house smelled like watermelon for weeks. And almost fell over when I saw how much it cost.”

“It was watermelon lemonade or rosewater and ivy. We both agreed that one smelled bad. You left out the part where you smelled like every other candle in the store and didn’t like the ones I picked. She likes tea?”

“To go with her various world’s best professor mugs. I like the way you think.”

“You like a lot of things about me.” I rolled my eyes, leaning against his side gently.

“You guys are cute. It’s gross.” Bryce commented.

“Thanks Bryce.” I smiled brightly, really laying on the cheeriness in my tone. He merely raised his brow. The first bell rang, cutting our story time short. “I’ll see you after school babe. I love you.” I stood on my tip toes and kissed Monty, perhaps more deeply than was decent at school or around his friends. His eyes were wide but had a vaguely hungry look to them.

“I love you too.” With that, I scurried off to US government and politics.

At lunch, I walked into the cafeteria and people stared at me, not that I expected anything less. It was still rather off-putting though. Clay and Justin waved me over to their table. Alex scooted over so I could sit next to him. “How was class?” he asked, unsure of where to start our conversation. It’s not like I’m suddenly a different person Alex. I’m the same as I was before everyone knew about Monty.

“It was okay. US government was boring, but it usually is. I got a literary review back in English literature. I did better on it than I expected.”

“Addy, you usually do better than you expect.” Justin complained from across the table.

“Yes, because if I set my expectations low, then I’m not crushed when I don’t do as well. But how was class for you Alex?”

“Boring. History was boring and Coach Rick hates me so there’s that. Biology was a nightmare. We were talking about our frog dissection coming up and these two cheerleaders practically screamed when we watched the video on it.”

“Well that sounds entertaining.”

“How are your applications coming Addy?” Clay asked.

“They’re coming. It’s just kind of annoying. I need creative writing samples to send along with my essays, so I was up late writing. Nothing was flowing the way I wanted it to.”

“I know the feeling.” He muttered. Justin laughed while Alex and I just shared a look. Clearly, we were missing something. Zach came over to our table and sat down.

“Hey guys.” He greeted, pulling out his lunch.

“Hey.” I replied. I was still slightly ticked off about his comments yesterday.

“Not sitting with Monty today Addy?”

“Nope.”

“Okay. Do you want some of my crackers?”

“Uh… sure?” This is odd. He passed me the container and I took some, placing them on top of my own container. There was an awkward silence, none of us really knowing how to proceed. I braced myself when Zach opened his mouth to speak.

“So, can you tell us how meeting his parents went?”

“Sure?” I asked, confused that that was what he wanted to hear about. “It was strange. His dad doesn’t like anyone really, so it wasn’t surprising when he didn’t like me, but I wasn’t exactly expecting him to immediately not like me. Lucy liked me right away, but I’m still not sure if it’s because it was so rare for him to bring a girl home, or if she actually liked me.”

“What happened?”

“His dad, ever the charmer and wonderful husband and father, sat on his ass and stared at Monty and I while his mom made dinner. Like, I don’t think he stopped looking at us. It was so uncomfortable and definitely didn’t help my nerves. At dinner-Lucy insisted, Monty tried to keep it to coffee or something short-they asked me a lot of questions. His dad liked me even less when I said I want to be a writer.”

“They didn’t try to argue with you or anything?”

“Nope. Thankfully they didn’t. Because I might have cried if they did, I was so nervous.”

“Is his dad really as bad as everyone thinks?” Clay asked.

“Honestly Clay?”

“Yeah.”

“I think he might be worse.” My friends sat with that assessment of character for a while before we moved onto lighter topics, average high school stuff. Shortly before lunch ended, Justin suggested an… interesting idea.

“Why don’t you invite us over for dinner this weekend? They can get to know Monty better and maybe whatever weird thing happened this morning can be avoided again.” I blinked at him, unsure if he was being serious or not. He nodded at me, encouragingly.

“It would probably have to be Saturday. It’s my mom’s birthday Sunday and we are having her over for dinner. And I need to discuss it with Monty first.”

“That’s okay, right guys?” He prompted, looking around the table. My friends nodded, though seemed reluctant.

“I’ll talk to him tonight and let you know tomorrow?”

“Great.” He agreed, as the bell rang.

Oh, what have I gotten myself into now? Hopefully Monty is open to spending an evening with my friends.