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dolce-peach · 4 years ago

Note

Hey, i hope you are doing great (i'm writing anon because i'm shy) can you please write a story where the reader and thor are best friends and he confesses his love to her. Thank you♡

thunder and rain

pairing: thor odinson x reader

warnings: nothing i think...maybe fluff?

a/n: aww this is literally so pure 🥺 also don’t worry about it, anon, i’m shy myself esp irl 😭😭 hope you like it!

permanent taglist: @kaitlynmalikisnotonfire

** TO MAKE A REQUEST -- please check the status in my bio **

masterlist

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You had a careful eye on the group of ruffians you were observing from afar. One false move, and a lot of people could get hurt.

Though you were the type to be patient and thorough, you couldn’t help but feel frustrated sometimes. It wasn’t a question of strength, but rather the methods Odin commanded you use when scouting behind enemy lines. If you were caught, you’d have to silently pay the price, giving Asgard the loyalty it deserved.

Why sit around and wait when you could lead with the element of surprise? You were inwardly screaming at yourself to make a move, but when Thor placed his hand on your shoulder, you relaxed.

“Patience,” he said. “They’ll come around.”

You raised an eyebrow. “You’ve grown up.”

“Give or take another thousand years, maybe I’ll be as wise as you,” he chuckled.

“That would be a miracle,” you teased. “But seriously, how much longer are we going to have to wait?”

“Our task is to observe,” he reminded you. “We can’t just waltz over there and casually capture everyone.”

“I’d like to think we could,” you said, bored out of your mind. “And if Odin doesn’t like it, I’ll take the blame.”

Thor chuckled as he tossed Mjolnir into the air. “I wouldn’t ever let you take the blame. You know that.”

You hid your smile as you looked away, your cheeks feeling warm.

He always knew how to do that. No matter what kind of mood you were in, he always managed to make you smile.

“We should follow orders,” he said. “That way no one gets hurt.”

“Now you’re speaking logically,” you teased. “I hate it when you speak logically.”

“But no one gets hurt.”

“Good point.”

He chuckled. “You’re really trying to sell this, aren’t you?”

“Sell what?” you asked while making a point to bat your eyelashes.

“You know, if we weren’t on a mission right now, I’d --”

“Thor, they’re packing up and moving South. I think they spotted Volstagg while patrolling the perimeter,” Sif reported as she came over. Seeing you and Thor, she furrowed her brow. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything.”

“Yes,” Thor began.

You shook your head. “Not at all.” You unsheathed your sword. “So, what shall it be, God of Thunder? Let the ruffians escape, or make them pay for the lives they’ve taken?”

Thor sighed. “Always taking charge,” he muttered. He stood, holding Mjolnir in his grasp. “We’ll capture them, then take them back for questioning.”

You felt adrenaline rush through your body. You could feel yourself begin to call on strong, dark stormclouds, ready to release heavy rains powerful enough to flood a planet. You were careful to control it, always afraid it would overtake you.

“Understood.”

Odin sat on his throne looking somewhat satisfied.

“Guards, please escort this group to the dungeons,” he instructed.

“Yes, Your Majesty!”

He slowly made his way down the steps to you, Thor, and the others. He pursed his lips into a half smile, his one eye glinting.

“I’m glad you didn’t use force until it was necessary. They’re a vital piece in bringing down the outliers of the realms,” he said.

“King Odin, that was Thor’s idea,” you said.

The king pat Thor’s shoulder. “Son.”

“Father.”

“Well done,” he said. “In the meantime, get some rest. It’ll be a while before more begin to show their positions.”

As you walked away, you glanced at Thor, who kept himself from grinning too widely. You elbowed him playfully.

“Nice one,” you said.

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” he said. “Your powers are growing.”

You shrugged. “It comes and goes.” You frowned. “Anyway, what were you going to tell me earlier?”

Thor blushed at the memory. “Oh...you know...”

You frowned. “No, I don’t, Thor.”

“Have dinner with me and my family later?” he suggested. “It’ll be relaxing and fun...”

You raised an eyebrow, not buying his excuse for one second, but you decided to go along with it anyway. “Fine.”

His smile was bright. “I’ll see you later then.”

You shifted in your ivory and gold dress, taking a generous gulp of wine.

Dresses were never your thing. They were impractical and unyielding and, sometimes, uncomfortable, depending on whether or not you were forced into a corset. Thankfully, you weren’t at the moment.

“You look absolutely lovely, dear,” Frigga said with a warm smile.

You bowed your head. “Thank you, my Queen.”

“Please,” she insisted. “You’re like family. Just Mother or Frigga is fine.”

Across the table, Loki rolled his eyes, and you sent him a glare.

“Please, Loki, enough of your antics for once,” Thor groaned.

Loki held his hands up in defeat. “I didn’t say anything!”

Odin laughed as he shook his head. “My sons, is this any way to act in front of a lady?” he chuckled. “No wonder neither of you have found suitable partners yet.”

You choked on your wine.

Thor laughed along nervously. “Yes, well, we’re not really looking at the moment, are we, Father?”

You had to admit part of you was crushed. You always knew that Thor would eventually marry a noblewoman and try to retire from the battlefield to keep the family name going, but you never thought it would come so soon.

You weren’t ready to let go of your best friend.

“I suppose not,” Odin said. “Anyhow, I shall retire. Well done, again, to both of you.”

You and Thor stood and nodded as Odin and Frigga exited the room.

“I suppose I’ll be leaving too,” Loki said. He shot his brother a wink before exiting.

You made your way to the window, watching the moon begin to rise in the sky. You couldn’t help but sigh.

Thor laughed. “What?”

“I go through a lot of things for you, but being in this dress crosses the line.”

“Come now,” he said, walking over to take your hand. “You look beautiful.”

You looked away with embarrassment. “You really think so?”

“Of course,” he said.

You laughed. “Thanks.”

When he gently squeezed your hands with his callused fingers, you looked into his blue eyes.

“What is it?” you asked.

“What I wanted to say earlier,” he said abnormally softly. “Was that if we weren’t on that mission, I’d kiss you then and there.”

Your heart was swelling in your chest. Did you hear that right?

“I love you. I always have,” he explained. “But it wasn’t until recently that I realized I can’t live without you. You’re a strong warrior, my best friend, and a compassionate being.”

“That’s more compliments than I’m used to,” you couldn’t help but laugh.

“So,” he sighed. “Will you have me?”

You blinked. “To...to marry?”

Thor was flushed with color. “Well...eventually, yes...but if that’s too much...I don’t know...”

You answered by laying a gentle kiss on his lips. “It’s not too much,” you laughed. “I love you.”

The God of Thunder grinned, making butterflies surface as he leaned down to kiss you again.

And you could’ve sworn the moon shone a little brighter.

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indelibleevidence · 5 years ago

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WIP Status Report

A few people have reviewed a few different fics recently, asking for updates on them, or at least updates on when there might be updates. So here's a status report on where I am with each WIP, just as reassurance that I haven't forgotten any of them.

***

Torture Without You: The season 2 AU where Kurt finds Jane before Nas does, and Jane is not in her happy place... This was my first fic for the fandom, it's by far the longest, and though I know people enjoy long fics...at this point, I just want it over. So this is the final plot arc, will be followed by some angsty, fluffy, smutty comfort, and then we're done. Hopefully within the next 10-15 chapters. I'm not going to rush the ending, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My last update was earlier this week, and I should be updating again this month, at some point.

Remember to Forgive: I'm not entirely sure how long this one will be. It's about halfway through, I guess? My last update was earlier today, and it will probably get another chapter this month.

Taken For Granted: a. k. a. the fic where I put kids in cages right before the US government started doing it IRL. :/ Maybe that's the reason why I've been avoiding it. Anyway, Kurt gives Jane some unexpected backup in the next chapter, which sets up for the conclusion of the case. After that will be the aftermath and getting Jeller back on even footing, and then I'm done. I last updated in March and have had a few nudges from readers for it recently, so I'll be aiming to update that one by the end of next week.

Focus: a. k. a. the 1x10 tag-fic where Jane doesn't get snatched up by Carter and doesn't meet Oscar, so she gets to go to the park in 1x11 like she should have done all along. It's written in present tense when all my others for this fandom are in past tense, so I keep mixing up my tenses and participles and getting annoyed with myself. I was waiting until we got to 1x12 in our season one rewatch, but then didn't end up doing anything with it when we got there. So I've been putting it off, I guess. It was last updated in November, yikes! Maybe I'll update it before Christmas, unless people yell hard for it beforehand? Who knows.

To Jane and Kurt: I have half of Tasha's wedding speech already written, so I should just bite the bullet and knock this one off my to-write list, because it's nearly finished. Last updated in April, and... I'll get around to it soon. And then everyone will ask me to continue it with Jeller's wedding night, and then I will say no, because I have enough to write. :p

Crossroads: The Reller in Venice AU fic. I know how I want it to go, but there always seem to be other fics people want updates for more, so I've let it fall by the wayside. Last updated in March. Maybe I'll make it my project for January or something.

In the Wake of the Storm: My post-2x22, Jeller-finally-allow-themselves-to-get-lost-in-each-other fic. I have so much I still want to write for this one! Occasionally I do mentally feed it ideas, I just haven't found the time to get to it. As I say, sometimes I just let reader nudges guide me for what to update. This one was last added to in May, but I should think I'll add something else to it before the year is out.

Forever Intertwined: The 'Kurt finds Jane in Moscow three months into her bounty hunter ordeal' fic. I confess, I'm in two minds about even continuing this one, since it comes to something that could be read as a conclusion where I left off. An angsty conclusion, but it wipes out the possibility of Berlin and Clem-cheating, since Jeller are on the same page, and that's good enough for me. Part of me is thinking of continuing by way of notes Kurt and Jane send each other via CIA dead drop locations, but it's not a priority. This one is at the bottom of the list at the moment. Last updated in October 2018.

Unacceptable Weakness: The fic that attempts to fill in everything the show denied us by time-jumping, like Remi finding out what happened to her family and Oscar, and meeting Avery, and figuring out how to be Jane before Kurt wakes up from his coma. I really like exploring these ideas, but since there's no Jeller or even Reller in this fic, people are not as interested, so I've let it take a backseat (because I do love writing romance). So I guess I'll just wait for the muse to strike here, unless people scream for it sooner. Last updated in October 2018.

#blindspot #blindspot fanfic #amy needs to actually finish some fics

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doggendoodle · 5 years ago

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New Horizons Status Report #11 (Day 4)

WARNING: I did a lot this session, so this is a long post!

On my way to Nook’s Cranny I run into Saharah again, and buy a small rug and some mysterious wallpaper. The rug is a green kitchen mat and the wallpaper is the ruins wall

I build the bridge construction kit, but on my way to place it, Paula intercepts me and teaches me about Reactions! Finally, I can express my emotions in a healthy and clear manner! She gives me Joy, Delight, Greetings and Surprise

I go to find Boots in case he has any Reactions to give me. He doesn’t, but he gives me some medicine, and apparently I now have the ability to give my neighbours things! :D I give him a cardboard box because apparently he likes that kind of thing

I decide that the bridge will go right beside the museum, just a little ways in front of Nook’s Cranny. Speaking of, I go inside and- Oh, hey, it’s Mabel! She, Timmy and Tommy strike a deal to sell the Able Sisters’ clothes on the island

Timmy also explains some new services: the turnip seller will start showing up soon, there will be a “hot” item every day that I can sell for double its normal price, and there’s the drop-off box for when they’re closed. With all that done, I sell some stuff for about 9,000 Bells, and blow more than that on the goods in the front of the shop

Also I learn that the shopkeepers react when you react, which is *so* cute

I shot down a shaved-ice maker while gathering wood, Boots compliments my froggy tee and found a money rock that got me 9,000 Bells back

I enter the museum for realises and??? it’s so pretty??? and the music is so hauntingly beautiful???

Like you don’t understand, the aquarium is lit up all beautifully, there’s a section with those glass tunnels so you can go under the water and see the fish up close, the bug section has a butterfly enclosure and a beautiful forest and the back area of it has these really nice enclosures for critters like the hermit crab, and the dinosaur exhibit has really sweet mood lighting, and there are lines that run through it that connect silhouettes of the animal types in Animal Crossing to their prehistoric ancestors!

it’s so good you guys, once i get an sd card i have so many pics to show you guys, anyway i give blathers a wasp for all his hard work

Since one of the areas I cleared for a house is on the east coast, but the bridge is on the west, I clear more room for a house on the west coast, collecting a fossil and a DIY recipe for a wooden-mosaic wall from “Vesta”

The fossil turns out to be a brachio skull, meaning we’re just missing the brachio torso

I sell some more stuff, buy every wallpaper and flooring they have, and report back to Tom Nook. He gives me three - 3! - housing kits, meaning that unless I find a villager I really like on an island hop, we’ll be having a surprise new neighbour :D

We also need to build the required furniture, though, so I think I’ll prep just one for now and do the rest in the evening/after midnight

The first plot requires an apple chair, juicy-apple tv and pot for the interior, and a stone stool, stone table and clothesline, so I make everything, get it all ready, and shoot down a... tankless toilet... on the way :/

on that note i’ve got irl work to do, so that’ll be it for now

Switch code is in my bio, add me if you want to be friends!

#ryland island #animal crossing new horizons #animal crossing #new horizons #long post #very long post

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veryimportantsparkles · 5 years ago

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Alright I’ve kept meaning to do sort of an infodump on my projects because I’ve been really slipping lately. I dunno how obvious it is? Probably kind of obvious. I’ve also been really bad about checking messages and responding to people. So I figure I can write up a status report and then point to it when I’ve been inadequate about communication.

My IRL job has been wiping me out. I’ve been getting short, labor-intensive shifts in the evenings, and then random surprise morning shifts shortly after, which has been really hard to manage my time around. My sleep schedule has been extremely broken and it’s affected my productivity a LOT. Leadership in my department is about to shuffle around and I’ve been interviewed for the manager position. If I get it I’ll be working an entirely different schedule, which could potentially be good for my sleepy brain but will definitely leave me with less art time overall. I’ve also been enduring some back/shoulder issues over the past few months. Nothing urgent, but it’s limiting how much I can draw each day. I think replacing my desk chair is going to be a big factor but it’s not the only factor. I just need to be a smart human and take care of my joints and not hunch over so much. Working on it.

Here’s the current status of my various art projects:

Laserwing

I ended chapter 5 in June and said I would finish up some other side projects before I start concept work for chapter 6. One of the projects I needed to finish was the Popkas Yugioh season 4 special, which I finished. The other big one was my Neonmob card set, which is most of what I’ve been posting lately. Once that’s out of the way (see below) I need to do concept art. Chapter 6 will put all the Laserwing characters in new outfits which will need reference sheets. I’ll need background sketches and layout diagrams so I don’t have furniture shuffle randomly around between scenes. I also need to sketch out the chapter 6 draft page by page. I’ve made Laserwing in GIMP up until this point and am going to try switching to Krita for chapter 6. I might need to do a test page to make sure my process transfers over well into a slightly different system. Once I’m ready to make real pages, those take a while. Chapter 5 pages were going up maybe every 2-3 weeks. I don’t know how many pages are going to be in chapter 6, nor can I say for sure how many chapters are in Laserwing. An old outline had maybe 40 chapters. It’s a story with a defined end point, I can say that for certain, but it’s intended to be long.

Popkas

I’ve had issues with Popkas for a while. I keep picking new themes for dailies, thinking they’re going to be quick and easy, but then end up making them hard for myself. It’s been to my benefit, I’ve forced myself into learning new art programs and techniques through Popkas. But it’s hard to keep up the daily schedule. Currently I’m doing the Paper Mario: TTYD bestiary, which has 124 enemies. At a rate of one per day, by the time I’ve finished them, Pokemon Sword and Shield should be released and we’ll have all the info about the new Pokemon. Those will be drawn in ‘Popka classic’ style (scribbly shitposts). After those are finished, unless my IRL work situation dramatically changes, I’m considering putting Popkas on pause. In order to do any other monster dexes I’d have to do a lot more research (for example, people have suggested Yokai Watch but I’ve never played one) in order to have anything meaningful to post. Same deal with Popka Specials (the anime writeup things), those take prep time and anime-watching time that I might not have. I don’t ever want to end Popkas, but a hiatus might be necessary.

Angelfire Hime

Did anyone even know about Angelfire Hime? Well I want to post more but that involves finding, scanning, retouching, and transcribing my old high school scribble comics. It takes as long as any other project but is also low priority because it’s all old content. Nobody is waiting for the latest update because nobody but me actually knows what that content is, and possibly nobody but me can even read it. It’s more a personal journey of self-reflection than anything. I want to return to it but not at the expense of better work.

MeganFantastic dot com

I had a domain name linked to a tumblr that was supposed to be my news blog/front page and I barely use it. Also, I let the domain registration drop. Also, I had let a typo in my banner graphic go unnoticed for YEARS and still haven’t fixed it. Even now, I’m writing this big post to my personal blog instead of the one for news. The idea was to eventually buy some real hosting and make MeganFantastic a whole site of its own, but that’s a lot of work. I’ve got a generally good idea of HOW I’d do it (probably wordpress) but I’m not a coder, it would take a lot of trial and error. This would be a huge undertaking and eventually Laserwing, Popkas, and all my other junk would be contained on one big non-tumblr website. But it’s uhhhhh not happening yet.

Hundera Youtube

My contribution to our LP channel is to show up, talk about video games, and then draw title cards. All recording, editing, and channel management is maintained by Josh, and I can’t speak on his behalf about our update schedule. I will say there are a lot of half-finished games we want to return to. I will also say that when the new Pokemon comes out Josh is dead set on recording it. I don’t know if he intends that to be a stream or a regular LP. In the meantime he streams Minecraft with his friends every Sunday and we fit in our own streams and recordings when we can.

Commissions/Patron Art/etc

I’ve not been very good about this lately and I’m truly sorry! I have a few things I’m working on, a few things I’ve promised to start working on, and a few things I’ve told people I can do once my workload lightens up, which hasn’t been happening yet. I really don’t have an answer. I almost never delete anything so if I’ve been sent a message in any form I should still have it, and I’ll be sure not to forget anyone. And if I do forget someone feel free to throw rocks at me!

Rane Story 2

What the heck is Rane Story 2? Well I guess I have to explain Neonmob. Imagine if ChickenSmoothie and DeviantART had a baby. It’s a virtual trading card site, which is fun and cute, and I’m drawing out a card series to release on there. I’ve been using it as practice for painting backgrounds and to fill out some backstory for some 4th-string Laserwing support characters. Before Mistaire came to Earth, she went to space high school, and that’s where Rane Story takes place. You can preview the series, and when it’s finished I’ll post about it. I’ll also repost all the art to DA. If you scroll through the last several pages of this blog you’ll see some of the art. I’ve put a lot of my brain energy into getting this done in spite of my work/sleep issues because I don’t want to resume Laserwing until I’ve finished it. This is what’s stolen my life, guys. Right now I have 6 more cards to make, and then I have to write and finalize all the text. I should be done SOON.

Pokemon Nonsense

When my back and shoulder get too hurty and I have to take a break from drawing, one of the easy things to do is whip out a DS and play Pokemon. I’ve done a lot of twitter shitposting about it lately. I’ve also drawn up a bunch of gijinkas for my Pokemon. I’m talking about it now because I also intend to draw up gijinkas for Pokemon to trade away. I’ve already done a few. However, I don’t know for sure how I’m going to distribute them. The idea is people can trade actual Pokemon with me (in either X or Let’s Go Eevee) and the Pokemon they get will come with a character design for you to keep. I was thinking I might do a discord server for organizing trades and such, but I haven’t yet. Mostly because it’s low priority and I have SO many other things going on. But actually playing Pokemon can happen when I’m too fatigued for real work, so the horde keeps growing. Hopefully my posts and scribbles about it are entertaining.

I feel like there’s other projects on hold that I wanted to discuss, but right now I’m too braintired to remember, and some of my ‘projects’ never actually got talked about online so nobody’s waiting for an update. My greatest problem seems to be that I try to juggle too many pointless side projects and then drop them all over the place. Sometimes I’ll shitpost about an idea and even I won’t be sure if I was serious or not. How do I end this post? I don’t know.

tl;dr Megan is SLEEPY and dropped her spaghetti everywhere but somehow still has time to play POKEMON and WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT

#long post #what do i even tag this as

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dykexion · 5 years ago

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tagged by @minatodilf ty Ash 👌👌

What was your last

Drink: just plain water

Last phone call: my dad (I'm not big on phone calls so only my parents really call me normally)

Last text: telling @vulturousculturalist to go to sleep because it was 1am and I'm the responsible friend uwu. if discord messages don't count then I was texting one of my friends calling Zero from megaman a himbo at like 5am

Last song you listened to: Kansas by Gorillaz

Last time you cried: a few days ago I think

Have you ever dated someone: nope! being a small town dyke that goes to a catholic school unfortunately doesn't give me many dating prospects 😅

Been cheated on: nah

Kissed someone and regretted it: I don't think so actually, I once kissed a friend and it was,,,,a lil weird and we're not actually friends anymore (unrelated) and I don't like her but,,,,it was just something that happened I guess

Lost someone special: not really

Been drunk and thrown up: never been drunk! I never drink enough to make me more than just a lil tipsy

List three fave colors: black green and purple

In the last year have you…

Made a new friend: yeah!

Fallen out of love: nope

Laughed until you cried: many times, I laugh at things really easily

Met someone that changed you: I have no sense of self so maybe lmao

Found out who your true friends are: haha yeah. it was fun having an "intervention" staged about me being "unnecessarily rude to everyone and unable to make friends" when I reported a kid for harassing my other friend and making sexist and racist comments. needless to say the person who did that's not my fuckin friend anymore

Found out someone was talking about you: hahaha.

Kissed someone on your FB friends list: don't have facebook

General

How many people on your FB friends list do you know irl: don't have facebook

Do you have any pets: unfortunately no though I adore all kinds of animals. I do lay somewhat of a claim to my friend's cat because she actually apparently likes me better than the people who live with her lmao (take that Lorna!)

Do you want to change your name: hmmm i don't think so tbh, I was thinking of going by a shortening of my middle name (Louise -> Lou) occasionally but idk lmao

What did you do for your last birthday: I don't think I've actually done anything for my birthday since I was like 10. I was gonna meet up with a few friends last year but coincidentally there was a school trip the same day and we got stuck in traffic on the way back so I couldn't do that :/

What time did you wake up today: about 4am. I went to sleep just after midnight and woke up four hours later unable to go back to sleep. I'm out of school for the summer but I've still been instinctively waking up at around the time I'd get up for school anyway but today just took the biscuit and woke me two hours before that

What were you doing at midnight last night: watching the snapcube Sonic 06 fandub

Name something you CANNOT wait for: uhhhhhhhh idk tbh. something will probably come to me immediately after I post this though

Last time you saw your mother: saw her like an hour ago

What is one thing you wish you could change about life: not to be stereotypical but money probably. my family's kinda in deep shit atm because we're paying out our arses to keep my grandma in the care home she's at bc we can't take care of her but that costs a serious amount of money so we don't have too much left for other stuff and it's just a tad Worrying

What are you listening to right now: I've got Gorillaz on shuffle on spotify and I can also kinda hear the rain outside

Have you ever talked to a person with the name Tom: unfortunately yes.

What’s getting on your nerves: thinking about my exam results that I'm not gonna get back until the end of August that decide my academic path for at least the next two years

Most visited website: YouTube and Tumblr

Nickname: not too many people call me nicknames anymore but cookie and amy-lou are what people used to call me (still do occasionally)

Relationship status: single

Zodiac sign: libra (+ aquarius moon and rising)

Pronouns: she/her or they/them + I also go by he/him in my head sometimes.....indecisive

Fave tv shows: I don't watch too much TV but uhhh recently I watched good omens and lucifer they were alright

Hair color: brown but I used to be super blonde when I was little. I'm also hopefully dyeing it soon, probably purple

Long or short: I prefer having my hair short and I've gone through cycles of long hair to short hair through my life lmao. the current short hair has stayed for three years so far though so thats A New Record

Height: 5'3

Do you have a crush on someone: idk tbh

What do you like about yourself: uh. despite being a major dumbass I'm actually quite clever and I like that I can help people with that. when I'm not hiding them behind my glasses or fringe I get complimented on my eyes occasionally so that's a nice physical thing. oh and also being gay as hell yeehaw

Tattoos: I don't have any but I'd kinda maybe want a simple one in the future

Righty or Lefty: righty

First surgery: never had one. I've never even fractured a bone somehow

First piercing: not actually got any piercings yet....my mum always said no piercings until I was 18 but I'm working on getting my ears pierced this summer

First best friend: this (only) girl I was friends with in like year 1 and 2. she left school after that and I never saw her again, Elizabeth if you're out there....

First sport you joined: ballet! I've been doing it for over a decade now lmao I'm almost at the point where I could become a qualified teacher if I wanted to (cue identity crisis over what I want out of life)

First pair of trainers: why??

Right now

Eating: toast

Drinking: woter

Listening to: this question has been asked three times now lmao, Gorillaz on Spotify

Want kids: probably not

Career: I want to be a translator or smth like that

Which is better:

Lips or eyes: eyes

Hugs or kissed: hugs

Shorter or taller: don't mind

Romantic or spontaneous: romantic

Nice stomach or nice arms: Arms For Hugging

Sensitive or loud: sensitive probably

Hook up or relationship: relationship definitely

Troublemaker or hesitant: hmmmm idk

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: nope

Lost glasses/contacts: fuckin constantly

Sex on a first date: nope

Broke someone’s heart: uh maybe? there was this one kid that seemed to have been really into me for a while that I turned down when we were like 14 (sorry Jamie lmao but you were instrumental in me figuring out I didn't like dudes so thanks mate)

Had your own heart broken: nah

Been arrested: never

Turned someone down: yea

Cried when someone died: yea

Fallen for a friend: unfortunately lol potentially multiple times but I'm still a disaster who can't differentiate between strong romantic and platonic feelings wassup

Do you believe in:

Yourself: eh they're alright occasionally

Miracles: nope

Love at first sight: not really

Santa Claus: nope. not sure if my parents ever bothered that much keeping it secret that he wasn't real

Kiss on the first date: sure why not

Angels: nah

i tag: (only if you wanna do it since this is super long) @vulturousculturalist @jothriku @comicsansisasin + anyone who wants to do it. I'm not tagging too many people since this is A Lot and it seems like other people are already doing this stuff atm, have a fun tuesday

#thanks for tagging me ash #tag games

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beihonglin · 6 years ago

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seeing lin yanjun irl!!

okay i want to preface this by saying that yanjun is Really Not My Type (my type is zhangjing / honglin / eunwoo i.e. soft smiley angels) so all this is coming from a non-yanjun stan!! please don’t kill me

so a little while back this guy i follow on wechat posted about yanjun’s flight schedule from shanghai to new york and @ynajun and i were like !!!!!! except he didn’t post any details so we had to scout around for information ourselves?? i.e. relying on info from friends & fansites’ previews of him leaving shanghai and counting 14h forwards and trying to find flight details on flight apps

this is gonna get long y’alls so under the cut it goes

180907

but fast forward and we’re at jfk terminal 1 at 2pm and ready to die!! we meet a bunch of c-fans who specially flew from china to new york just to follow him (it’s insane how much money they have!!!!!! one of them was just like ‘sure i’m gonna buy yanjun a dior gift just because’ even though ! she was an ikun/isee ! and not an evanism!!) and some who drove down to ny for the weekend and we form a group chat!

and so we wait one and a half hours for yanjun to come out of customs dammit yanjun and he !!!! appears!!!!

skinny legend himself!!!! and we can’t see him at all bc he’s all bundled up but it’s okay we know he a tol and skinny god!!!! also bc he's looking down at the ground and makes no acknowledgement of the people around him whatsoever

also there's a LOT of people and everyone follows him out of the waiting space into the pick-up area (it really wasn’t as crowded as it looks in the picture like there was space to walk and stuff but also i’m used to new york crowds so i can’t objectively say)

but boi gets in a car and drives away and conno and i have to leave for a meeting anyway so we go back!

and proceed to go to times square after the meeting bc we’re both dumbasses and thought he would go to times square... bUT GUESS WHAT AYEEE WE SAW HIM THERE!!!

jk lmao he didn’t go to times square that night so we sat there like two idiots for two hours in a slight drizzle for nothing ajajkahskjs

180908

okay so the night before we’re sitting on the group chat and one of the jiejies in the chat was like hey bitches so tmr he’s gonna be at world trade centre for the longchamp show at 3pm and at the soho store at 4pm yall wanna go? and ofc we’re all like ??? yeS????

so we meet for lunch and start camping out at world trade centre at 1.30pm waiting for him to come and he !! doesn’t show up until the last minute

also bc we were waiting for so long one of the jiejies was like, “damn if he doesn’t show up soon i’m jumping wall and opening a fansite for the security guards,,” which was ?? understandable bc look at one of them:

like ?? damn boi

and after a lot of false scares later (other celebrities show up and everyone rushes there only to find out it’s not yanjun etc) GOD HIMSELF FINALLY ARRIVES JESUS CHRIST ON A STICK

connie: “what did he do in his past life to deserve this face,,,, fucK you,,”

yall i got an ask asking if he really was unphotogenic and,,,, yanjun,,, mr leej,,,,, a whole god,,,,,,,,, listen you know how you try to take a photo of the sun but your camera fucks up and you’re left with one (1) shining dot in the middle of a black blur,,,, that’s what taking pictures of lin yanjun is like

also to clarify i don’t whitewash my pictures i only adjust for exposure, shadows, contrast and vibrance so uh mr golden statue in all his glory

also there was like a shit ton of people (more than the airport crowd) mostly bc there were also reporters and other non-yanjun fansites + random people from the memorial site across the road who came over to see what the commotion was so i’d estimate about 50 people:

but also ?? his name 冷彦俊 (cold yanjun) really isn’t for nothing he didn’t look at anyone at all and mostly stared into the distance and he didn’t smile or acknowledge anyone once the entire weekend and his rbf was ?? really hella strong so mmmmmmmmm idk

also ^ this is the best picture i took all weekend oof i’m really proud of it please don’t edit or crop logo thanks

so after he goes into the building we all sit around and cry for a good ten minutes before getting our shit together and planning our next course of action (read: i pull out lightroom and start editing photos until everyone else decides on our next course of action bc i’m terrible at making decisions)

and after a good half hour it’s decided that conno and i check out the spring street location while the rest of them wait for him to come out of the longchamp show!! and so we take the subway to soho & they send us a picture of his car plate so we can look out for him in case he gets there earlier than they do but as it turns out the new york subway is reliable for once and they arrive before his car gets there so !!

anyway the longchamp staff were like yall can wait inside!! and so a good two thirds of them went to wait inside to get good pics but conno and i were like nah we don’t trust that shit so we stood outside in the slight drizzle

a good choice!! bc his car pulled up near the side entrance instead of the main entrance and since conno and i knew the car plate number we were like o shit that’s him and ran into position!!

he went in through a side door like really really fast and i think we were two of the few people who actually saw him enter / got pictures of him entering the building?? we waited a good two hours for this one moment zzzzz also he changed clothes in the car asdjhdaskjdhsa

and so we wait another two hours outside in the rain for him to come out and this time everyone was smart and nobody waited in the longchamp store so everyone poured out to wait for him and it was really really crowded + there were other bystanders who were like ?? who y’all waiting for??? and decided to wait and take pictures too even though they had no idea who lin yanjun was so it was Packed (there were even people waiting across the road just to get a glimpse of whoever we were waiting for) and i didn’t get photos zzzz

180909

so the night before conno and i are trying to catch up on homework when someone in the wechat group sends a picture of yanjun on the street and we were like !!!!! o myg od

bc 1) he looks hella good asdlhkfja 2) i’ve lived in housing for two years and both those years were spent in different dorms in zip code 10003 so if there are pictures of any celebrity in any part of 10003??? both conno and i are highly likely to be able to tell where they are

and so we immediately recognise the background of the picture as somewhere near one of my old dorms (i’m not gonna say where his hotel is ajsdhfkjd he’s still in new york at the time i’m posting this) and like ??? damn yalls longchamp really spending that dough on yanjun

i know i put the header of this section as 180909 but it’s a lie asdjhkjs i check the weather forecast and it says it’s going to rain all sunday and i’m just like :~) jk i’m not going out in new york rain even for mr lyj so uh that’s the end of my account asjkhkdsajd

(SPEAKING OF THE WEATHER!! it’s been raining every day since lin yanjun landed in new york and the temperature has been dipping lower every day kajsdlha and it’s apparently going to get warm tomorrow right when he leaves so uhhhhhh i’m not saying he’s causing the black clouds but that’s,,, also exactly what i’m saying)

(also bi wenjun just landed today and apparently the weather’s getting warmer from here until he leaves so coincidence that the weather’s getting nicer the moment weatherman boy wenjun arrives??? i think not)

anyway things i’ve learnt from this weekend:

fansites really work very hard to take photos - they spend so much money flying back and forth to get airport pictures + they spend so much !! energy !! running up and down and playing waiting games just to get a few good shots, please respect their photos and !! stop!!!!! editing !! without their permission!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

most of them also buy their photos - there were some fantakens uploaded to fansites that clearly weren’t taken by them (photos from inside the longchamp show when clearly nobody but the media was allowed in) so we knew that those fansites bought their photos from journalists + there were also more fansites releasing photos than people at the venue so some of them were 代拍s selling photos to fansites (not that there’s anything wrong with this, it’s just ?? interesting to have found this out i was wondering how some of them got their photos)

some fansites also have like 0 sense of privacy - at the longchamp spring street store they had cars prepared and running just waiting for him to leave so they could jump into the cars and follow him wherever (we’re still trying to work out who they are so we can stop supporting them on forjingyan ;;;;)

yanjun,,,, truly is one of the coldest idols asjdkldasjk our wechat group was talking about it and one of the jiejies in there (we were two of the youngest,,,, a first!!) has been following him around for the thx with love tours and she says she’s only seen him talk to fans one (1) time the whole time she’s followed him!! compared to another jiejie who usually follows 1k around and she says ziyi’s usually very gentle & always speaks to fans ;;;;; + how there are always pictures of zhangjing smiling or at least waving at the airport

(more of a self-reflection point) but i realise the type of idol i tend to bias is very much the kind to smile easily / the more warm ones that interact with fans (like honglin and ruibin) or at least acknowledge the fans that have been waiting for a period of time to meet them like ziyi and zhangjing!! (not that there’s anything wrong with being cold in case yall disgruntled diehard yanjun stans come at me lol) so really yanjun is really truly not my type akjsdfhlaksjd

but that’s it!! thank u for reading kjfkjasdhf

#lin yanjun #林彥俊 #yanjun #林彦俊 #nine percent #this is a long read yall #vivi yells into the void

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serenephenix · 7 years ago

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CUPS - Day 6: Poison

One of the whumpweek fics I managed to repair and finish.

This is also a tribute to an irl person who is one of the sturdiest and most reliable people I know and whom I admire very much for it. One of the only people I know who could safely drive anyone home with a raging fever through sheer power of will.

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CUPS

[Fandom]:Voltron: Legendary Defender

[Rating]: Teen Audience/ Gen

[Genre]: Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Poisoning

[Warnings]:mentions of drug use (medical purpose), character willingly poisoning themselves

[Word count]: 4.400

[Status]: completed

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Ümyt’mar Kezar – that was its scientific name in the Altean language. A name that not many knew by heart. It was no wonder seeing as its other, much more sensational designations, were far easier to remember. Sweet Death. Last Pleasure. Altean Deathbringer.

Coran could still hear himself asking his grandfather about that last one. And despite the time and his lack of presence, he could almost pretend to hear the throaty chuckle as the man paused his work, staring at his grandson with barely hidden seriousness.

“It smells like Nunvil. It tastes like Nunvil. But don’t be fooled little Miürl, one sip is enough to kill a grown Altean.”

Coran knew his child-self had gasped in horror. He might have even clapped his tiny hands over his gaping mouth for dramatic effect. No wonder! After all, he had believed that once the liquid ran past ones lips they would drop dead. It was only later that he would find out that not to be the case.

Sweet Death was a very misleading name. It concealed all of the ugly and very messy symptoms that would precede the slow march towards death after its consumption, the rich taste of it notwithstanding.

It was a slow, agonizing way of dying and of such an insipid and elusive nature that for a long time, none could tell what had caused it.

The first quintant would be uneventful, whatever Altean unlucky or foolish enough to drink it not noticing that slowly, their body was breaking down.

By the second quintant, there would be pains racking through ones extremities, pins and pricks and needles strong and painful enough to make even the strongest Alteans cry out for their mothers.

On the third quintant would come shortness of breath not aided by the searing pain paralyzing one’s limbs completely.

On the fourth, he body would uselessly try to remedy the situation, the healing and breaking down of cell’s taking place so fast that it would not only cause agonizing pain and loss of one’s bodily functions but also for the body’s core temperature to rise.

And if, by the fifth quintant, no antidote was administered, whatever poor soul had been so cruelly punished by fate would be doomed to fight this useless fight until their body and soul gave out or someone was merciful enough to put them out of their misery.

Coran had seen the medical recordings as part of his training as a royal advisor, to ensure he could recognize the symptoms and give the appropriate treatment. The direct, graphic confrontation with that horror had been awful when he had been but a young man and he had thanked the Ancients that never in his long career did he have to apply this knowledge to the royal family.

But never would he have thought that one day he would have to willingly to poison himself with one of the substances most deadly to his species.

The Ilar people did not know, could not know after ten millennia of the Alteans gone.

And Coran could not deny the cup offered to him unless he wished to put this whole diplomatic mission in jeopardy. There was no way he could have foreseen this substance to become an integral part of these people’s culture – venerated as a cleansing and purifying beverage fit for their spiritual leaders and, as it now seemed, powerful allies in the fight against the Galra.

Coran knew the risks and knew he had to take them.

He was alone on this mission, a mission Allura had considered a top priority and whose window of opportunity narrowed with every quintant as the times of change for the Ilar people’s way of life drew close to its end.

And with Voltron receiving a distress signal at the very last moment, Allura and Coran had come to the conclusion that they only could gain a considerably powerful ally, if he were to remain and further negotiate.

It was ironic that under the notion of ‘mission accomplished’ fell the ingestion of a poison that promised death.

But all Coran could think about as he let the fruity taste settle in his mouth, was that he was thankful and relieved the princess had not been there to see this mission through.

The leader’s head inclined, the wooden beads and twinkling mineral ornaments following the motion. Coran copied them, his insides feeling knotted and twisted already, despite him knowing it was just anxiety.

The leader’s voice burbled as the single orifice on its head opened: “To a long and prosperous partnership.”

“Yes, to a long and prosperous partnership.”

Coran had retreated to the chambers provided for him by the Ilar. It was all he could do to prevent the first signs of his own anxiety and worry showing as his hand strayed back to his breast pocket where his communication device was hidden.

Once again he pressed the button.

“This is Coran speaking. The mission has been a success. If you can hear me: I require immediate extraction from Planet K’far.”

He waited patiently, impatiently, but there came no answer.

Coran took a shaky breath, his chest constricting, making it impossible to draw all of the air he needed. Finally, he allowed himself to sit down when he noticed himself shaking too hard to remain safely standing.

It had been merely six vargas and already he felt unease coloring his every action and word. He wished he could brush it off easily but it revealed itself to be impossible.

One of the most fatal poisons known to his kind was coursing through his veins and without the team reporting back it was impossible to tell when he would be able to take the antidote that currently could only be found on the Castleship. Or at least, that was the only place Coran knew with certainty he could get the antidote from.

He had already tried to inquire about the components needed to brew the counteragent but it soon became clear that more than half of the ingredients were not to be found on this planet.

He could only hope and pray that nothing had happened to the princess and the Paladins. More than anything, he wished to spare them to have to see him in agony he knew he could not escape or trivialize – not with the dosage he had been forced to take.

After waiting for another varga, Coran resigned himself and called for the young Ilar entrusted with the task of providing him with everything he might need during his stay.

He was thankful that no questions and judgements came with the growing list of items Coran requested.

Hopefully, the others would be back by the third quintant, otherwise no amount of medicinal herb would be able to conceal the severity of his current condition.

It had been almost thirty vargas and precisely three hailings later that Coran was beginning to despair.

The first symptoms were leaving ghost sensations on his skin, agitating him, bothering him. For now, the fumes from the herbs he had lit on a small dish were numbing his senses and making it slightly more bearable, keeping the pain at bay. Yet, Coran was reluctant to add more. As much of a relief as it was, this drug also slowed down his mind and he could not allow that. He had to remain lucid, lest his princess notice anything was wrong upon his return.

If Allura came to the conclusion that her advisor had been poisoned out of malicious intent instead of ignorance as was the case, Coran knew that any treaty would become nonessential, no matter how vital or hard earned.

And besides, these young people were already burdened enough by their duties, adding to their worries was the last thing Coran wanted.

He took another deep breath as he sat with his eyes closed when he picked up the beep of his communicator.

It took two tries for his hand to grasp the small object while making himself more presentable, slicking back strands of hair and righting his collar.

The princess’ face was drawn into a tight expression both from fatigue and the battle they had obviously just fought but the smile and satisfied glint in her eyes were enough to spare him any worries for her or the Paladins’ wellbeing.

“Coran. I heard the mission was a success?”

As she spoke, Coran watched as his princess as a whole perked up, standing straighter, more confident and he knew that no matter how miserable he might be feeling, he would anything to ensure that such a relieved expression would grace her face for as long as possible.

“Of course, Princess.” He pulled at his collar, throwing his head back a little in an exaggerated but good humored show of affront. Anything to cover up how warm and suffocated he was beginning to feel. “But I’m afraid that I might have eaten something that upset my stomach, so I would be glad if you could come and pick me up. I’d… rather not leave a mess.”

At least not more of a mess he had already made but that was something no one needed to be made aware of.

His chest clamped when she looked at him critically through the screen.

“Are you alright? You do look a little pale.”

“I promise, nothing to worry yourself about.”

Allura hummed, looking unconvinced. Much to Coran’s relief, she dropped the subject, both in favor of complying to his wish and because of the Paladins having entered the bridge, their loud chatter announcing their arrival.

“Is it Coran?” The shout was followed by feet running towards the screen and soon enough all of the Paladins were smiling at him. They were disheveled and out of breath but it was good to see them all unscathed and in such good spirits.

He couldn’t have fought his own smile even if he had wanted to.

“I see that you were victorious in battle.”

“Yeah, forming Voltron is a real piece of cake.”

It was heartening to see the Yellow Paladin so enthusiastic about his duty when not so long ago, Coran remembered him to be the most reluctant to accept this mission.

“Oh Hunk, stop talking about food! I’m starving.”

Coran laughed as the other Paladins chimed in with Lance’s complaint – it was clear that they’d had a long quintant. But so had he.

“We will come and pick you up within a varga.”

The words could have brought a lesser man to tears but Coran had decided that if he could he would spare them to see him falter.

He was nowhere near as subtle as he had believed himself to be.

The first ones to notice were, unsurprisingly enough, the princess and the Blue Paladin, inquiring about his wellbeing. It had somewhat surprised him when the Red Paladin put in his two GACs.

“Your hands are shaking.”

It had made all of them turn to the young man slouching in his seat, his dark eyes taking him in critically.

Coran clasped his hands together in his lap for good measure, doing his hardest at smiling amicably and without a hint of the nervousness that had come to crash into him like a Thregorian Snuffhorn.

“I have to admit that, while not as tiring as yours, this mission has left me in need of a good night’s rest. Something I am sure all of you require.”

He jumped to his feet and promptly found himself plopping back down into his seat as vertigo made it hard to distinguish between up and down.

Instantly, he was flanked from all sides, worried voices and concerned faces swarming him, almost overwhelming and sudden panic gripped at his chest: this was what he had wished to prevent. He could not, and he would not, let a small bout of dizziness ruin his carefully crafted lie.

“Whoops, guess that ceremonial tea really was a bit too strong for me.”

Lance’s eyebrow rose critically as he shared a look with his friends and finally with the Princess.

“Does tea do that to Alteans?”

There was a fine line appearing on Allura’s brow, her eyes narrowed in obvious consternation and concern.

“Not.. not usually.” Her voice was so hesitant. She turned to him, sitting close enough that Coran she might feel the heat coming off of him, the heat that was unbearable by now and that he was fairly certain he could not explain away without outright lying into her face.

It was sad that, in this moment, he was truly considering that option just to spare, o spare them all.

“Coran,” and oh, how it hurt to see her so full of worry, when it was his duty to take those off of her young shoulders. What would Alfor say? What his grandfather?

Allura’s voice, quiet but ever insistent, brought him back to the present. He had to be careful, he could not let himself drift like this.

“Yes, Princess?”

She was searching his face, his eyes. “Coran, tell me, did something happen on that planet?”

Never had he been more relieved about the fact that his uniform comprised thick gloves, as Allura took one of his hands into both of hers.

He shook his head, regretting the action as his field of vision did not instantly adjust, leaving him woozy and disoriented but from the last reserves of strength he dredged up a smile for her, for all of the Paladins that looked so scared and pale.

“I assure you, I am just tired.” He answered, addressing not just the princess but the Paladins as well, “If you’d allow me, I would like to return to my quarters for the night to rest up. I assure you that by tomorrow I will as good as new.”

He was thankful when his smile was returned and Allura finally let go, all of the youngsters letting the tension fall away from their weary frames.

Coran was sure to take short sips from his tea, shooing every single one of them out and wishing them a good night as they retreated to their respective rooms.

It proved to have been the right plan when it took him a total of three tries to get to his feet, two of which had him ending up a shivering mess on the floor.

He could not let them see him like this.

The walk to the ship’s medical facility was an agonizingly slow process. A process requiring Coran stop every few steps to catch his breath, regain his footing and bite back cries of pain as the symptoms of the second stage threatened to overwhelm his senses.

Even with the support gained from the railing and the walls, the stumbling walk to his destination became more of a dangerous and tricky endeavor than he had initially anticipated.

It was foolish to take the stairs in his state but he did not wish to take any chances of encountering one of the Paladins. He knew Shiro roamed the corridors most nights and usually used the elevators to get to the training deck.

The moment his hand landed on the panel opening the door to the storage for the medical supplies, he almost cried in relief.

Retrieving the antidote was not the most taxing part – something he realized to his ever-growing dismay when his hands would not stop shaking violently, when he could not grasp the delicate pipette to administer the exact amount of antidote he needed, his fingers cramping and spasming.

He let out a frustrated huff, dropping the equipment in favor of balling his hands into fists but refrained from any further action he might regret. He had to remain calm.

But he did not know how.

He could feel with every tick slipping by that the effects of the herbs were abating, leaving him to feel the severity of his current condition. His chest seized up with sudden terror that, before, had been dulled by the fumes in that room on K’far.

He unclenched his aching fingers to instead support himself on the table where the supplies still lay for him to simply grasp and use.

But he just couldn’t. He was shaking too hard with pain and sudden dread he could not control, could not even comprehend the origin of.

He closed his eyes, commanding himself to take deep and measured breaths, counting each and every single tick, so that it took the same amount of time to take one breath in, hold it and let out, and repeat that process for as long as necessary. As long as it took him to be rational and functioning again.

He had no idea, no way of truly measuring how long he stood, frozen in place, in the dark, to ground himself again.

And even afterwards he was still in pain, he was still trembling and miserable.

But at least he managed to steady his hands. At least he managed to fill the small glass with the perfect amount of milky, flaked liquid that he needed. At least he had enough presence of mind to put everything back in its designated place, erasing all traces of what he had truly been up to.

But try as he might, what he couldn’t do was get his feet to cooperate to take him back to his room.

He cast a contemplative look at the bare, uninviting cot to his left before deciding that maybe just a few vargas of rest might suffice for him to regain his strength and his bearings.

He laid down, his limbs protesting and aching, shivering in the coldness of the room and from the lack of a blanket and fell into a restless sleep.

He knew he was dreaming because these fields of flowers would never bloom again. That was not to say that Coran would not enjoy it while it lasted, breathing in deeply, drinking in the sweet fragrance of Juniberrys in full bloom.

He allowed himself to just lie there, unperturbed, at ease, weightless.

The light of day warmed his skin comfortably -a reprieve from the cold that had encompassed him while his body struggled against the effects of the poison.

He closed his eyes, at peace for the moment, and did not even open them at the sensation of gentle fingers carding through his hair.

It could have been Alfor, it could have been Szep… It did not matter. Not now at least.

Not ever again, sadly.

The thought of it did not stop him from falling back into the void of sweet and dreamless sleep.

When Coran woke, it was a slow and tedious process, the first thing on his mind the question how many vargas it had been.

It was hard to tell. His body felt compelled to make him believe it was far from enough, his mind all the while insistent on arguing that it must have been far too long.

With a sigh he decided to see for himself, blinking open his eyes, the ceiling blurring into focus slowly.

He could feel his brows scrunching up when he recognized the ceiling as the one of his personal quarters.

Strange… very strange indeed.

He had no recollection of having awoken and returning to his chambers.

He seized up at the sound of rustling clothes, his head snapping to the side, his eyes widening at the sight of the Princess and Paladins before darkness consumed his vision.

Fighting his hand out of the many layers of blankets he found himself trapped under, he was surprised for the offending item to reveal itself to be a drenched cloth.

For that matter, he was astonished to find he was no longer wearing his gloves, confirming his suspicion that someone must have changed him out of his uniform while he had been unconscious.

Blinking, he put the cloth next to his pillow, flinching when tiny squeaks immediately followed the action. If his awakening in his quarters already came as a surprise, then the discovery of the mice having rested next to his head did even more so.

The sound of the small rodents alerted the other occupants of the room and Coran found it fascinating to watch as six different, disheveled-looking heads popped into his field of vision, bleary eyes and scrunched up faces instantly focusing on him.

“Coran!”

He was not prepared for the outbursts, for the cries of joy and unbridled relief, for the sudden hugs and smiles and distantly Coran realized that he was somewhat overwhelmed, although in a good way. In the best most certainly.

They were quick to retreat, to give him space when Allura sat herself on the bed, the mattress dipping slightly with her added weight.

Her smile was no less relieved than the others’ but owed to the many years Coran had spent caring for and looking after her he could see the disquiet tugging at the edges of her mouth and he felt regret and shame flooding his insides.

All of his efforts and yet he done nothing but cause them grief and trouble.

Despite protest from all sides, he sat up, the blankets falling away to reveal he was in a wide shirt he did not recognize one of his own.

Interesting.

Interesting was also the fact just how winded that simply action left him. Maybe the poison had caused more damage than he had estimated. It had been a worrying amount he had consumed.

Putting that matter aside for now, he gave everyone a bright smile he hoped would be well-received.

“Thank you.”

What he had not counted for though, was how obliterated his voice sounded; making everyone wince and his hand fly to his throat in pure shock. There was no damage he could feel from the outside, so it had to be the poison.

“Yes,” Allura said, shoulders hunched in sympathy and smile strained, “I imagine that for the time being it would be wise to rest your voice. The last quintant was… unkind on you.”

He could feel his eyebrows shoot up. A quintant. He had slept through a whole quintant?

His expression must have been an open book to read, for Allura regarded him pensively before asking: “Coran, do you remember what happened?”

He cleared his throat: “I am sorry to say no, Princess. Although I am probably right in assuming that your bringing me to my chambers was a group effort?”

Number 2, Hunk, harrumphed; throwing him a critical and very unamused look.

“Yeah, actually, nope that was all me.” Before Coran even came close to voicing his thanks, the young man went on, shaking his head. “Do you know how scary it is to get into a medbay, to get something to settle your stomach, and it’s dark and supposed to be deserted only to hear moans? Spoilers: it’s way too scary for one person.”

He had a little trouble processing the undoubtedly Earthen slang but Coran had no problems understanding what Hunk was implying. He felt ashamed.

“I’m sorry, dear boy-“

“Ah-papapupuh!” Lance was quick to shush him, doing that strange thing with his hand Coran had already witnessed him doing with Keith. His face spoke volumes, disapproval written across his forehead. “None of that. It’s a good thing Hunk fond you, you know.”

It was so strange how swiftly his voice could turn from loud and stern to quiet and small. And the worst was that it was because Coran had been careless.

“You had a really high fever.” He glanced at their number 5, Pidge, who was adjusting her glasses, brown eyes not once leaving his. What exactly it was they were trying to find, was impossible for him to piece together.

The poison had, without a doubt, taken a far greater toll on him than he would have wanted to admit, if the exhaustion tugging at his limbs was any indication. The weariness underlining smiles and bags under drooping eyes also told a story Coran knew by heart.

It was what made his moustache quiver a little but he was not yet far gone enough to cause them further distress, inclining his head in a gesture of gratitude.

“Thank you for your consideration and care. I admit that I did not feel was well as I wished myself to believe but rest assured I took all the necessary precautions. I am sure you must be exhausted. You can go now. I am sure that after a few hours I shall be able to attend to my duties.”

He did his best to come across as alert and lively, in hopes of calming and reassuring them. He was rather taken aback by the blank looks thrown at him before the Paladins turned to Allura almost as one.

“You were right. He is too stubborn for his own good.”

Despite his loud protest, it was almost impossible to resent Shiro for his comment when it elicited a genuine smile from the Princess and soon enough laughter from all of the other young people.

He looked back at those dark eyes, filled more understanding than suited such a young face, and warmth spread through his every limb as every single one of these incredible youngsters proclaimed to want to stay just a little longer, Hunk assuring he could arrange having lunch ready soon in the kitchenette.

It was a little frightening but heart-warming how thoroughly these people, who had been naught but strangers to him and Allura, were slowly but surely worming their way into Coran’s heart.

They were not the Paladins of old, the individuals he had befriended and grown up with or grown close to over time. Not the independent warriors and leaders of different worlds.

They were young and inexperienced. Reckless and cheekier than a pack of Kwirltels. They were in need of guidance and care.

But as he rested against the headboard, watching them chatter and smile, talking to him and Allura, playing with the mice, and discussing what best way to reproduce some sort of traditional dish from Earth for him…

Maybe, just maybe, he could allow them to take care of him. Only until he was back on his feet.

And then he could stand tall again and be their pillar of strength.

#vld #voltron #voltronwhumpweek2017 #voltronwhumpweek #coran #allura #lance #keith #pidge #katie holt #shiro #hunk #space mice #poisoning

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aquarianlights · 7 years ago

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I’m So Sorry And I Really Hope No One Leaves Me After This But I Need To Tell SOMEONE

For those of you that know me on FB, please don’t spread this on FB. This is a tumblr-only post. I’m usually pretty open about everything with people that know me irl, but. . .this in particular is not something I can let people who know me irl know. . . coz they’d leave me. And I’d be alone. In fact, I expect to lose a ton of followers after posting this. . .I’m gonna put it under a read more cut coz it’s so fucking horrible and you’re all going to be terrified of me now. . . I haven’t even told Chelle or Janita. . .or any of my roommates. . .whom I all trust 100%. . .because I know everyone is gonna leave me after this. And I just hope to fucking GOD that Chelle, Tajh, and Jeff (my roommates) are out of the house when these people come to evaluate me. . .because I haven’t told them about it yet.

Anyways. . .if you want to hate me and be scared of me for the rest of your existence, read below the cut. . .

So. . .I got a call the other day. And it’s been weighing on me since then. I told Tiffy almost immediately after it happened but she’s the only one I told coz I knew she wouldn’t abandon me over this.

Since I’ve either been in wards or in therapy ever since I turned 18, I haven’t needed an annual “evaluation” by a professional who takes his/her assessment back to a board of professionals to evaluate. . .something. I’m not sure what. They didn’t clarify over the phone. I’m THINKING it may be on whether I am fit to live in society or not? But I do have catastrophic thinking, so I may be thinking worst case scenario here and it could be something totally trivial and I’m just panicking.

But they called me. . .and told me that since I’m not in therapy and haven’t been and have not been in a ward for over x amount of time, I need to have annual visits by professionals to be evaluated for mental stability. If I were to get into therapy, get in with a psychiatrist for med management, and/or end up in a ward again. . .I wouldn’t need the evaluations. In fact, I did not even KNOW about the evaluations until this phone call because I HAVE always been in a ward or in therapy since the 18-19 age when this was initiated.

Apparently. . .in either my first or second adult institutionalization. . .I was diagnosed as sociopathic. Like. . .a straight up sociopath. No one told me this. No one even bothered to fucking MENTION this to me. And so. . .that went in my record when I was 18 or 19 and some sort of organization decided to keep tabs on me because of that diagnosis and the things I had done/said to earn that diagnosis. Apparently there’s not that many boxes that were left unchecked when checking when trying to diagnose me.

This went on my record. . .and was passed on to every therapist I’ve had and every ward I’ve been in. When I saw psychiatrists and psychologists, they knew and apparently thought I knew, so they never brought it up because I never brought it up. Which...is really fucked up. And the psychs in the wards always had me as a high risk patient with the bright red, yellow, or orange bracelet (depending on what they use) indicating I was high risk. I always thought it was coz I am schizo. But, no, apparently being schizo does not necessarily make you automatically high risk. . .but being a sociopath does. Why? I’m not sure. It’s not inherently bad to be a sociopath. . .is it? And I’ve been trying very hard to change the things about myself that make me qualify as sociopathic without even realizing they were attributed to that issue. . .disorder? Is it even called a disorder? Fuck, I don’t know the first thing about sociopaths/sociopathy.

But anyways. . .Apparently they kept putting me on two strong af antipsychotics at a time in wards because they were scared I’d do something or snap or whatever the fuck. Apparently they tried to talk to me about it and drill me on things I’ve done relating to stereotypical sociopathic behaviour but I’ve always put on a different personality for wards, so I had no idea they were talking about THAT. They never actually said the word “sociopath” so HOW WOULD I FUCKING KNOW??? HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? HOW? HOW HOW HOW??? AND I’M BEING BLAMED FOR NOT KNOWING!!!!!

ANYWAYS. . .I got this phone call from the organization that has been keeping track on my mental health record since I was 18-19 (Idr which). It was basically a guy informing me that I needed my annual evaluation soon after introducing himself and telling me who he was and the organization he was associated with (which, I am familiar with coz I have worked with them before in crisis situations). And I was like “The fuck??? WHAT evaluation?” And he was like “Mental health evaluation. You know, for your issue?” Him trying to be discreet just made me mad and offended, tbh. But I didn’t show it. I was basically just like “What, you mean my schizo disorder? You can say it. You can say I’m schizo.” Like, it pissed me off that he was avoiding the word. Because I was like ‘it’s not a big deal that I’m schizo. why the fuck is an apparent professional avoiding the fucking word?’ I had no idea that he didn’t mean that at all. He hesitated on the phone and said “No, I’m talking about your sociopath diagnosis.” Which is when I almost dropped the phone. I took it seriously for a second and then burst out laughing and was like “WOW okay, thanks for the laugh, but no seriously, what evaluation are you talking about??” I legit thought this guy was joking to lighten the mood.

He was not. He repeated himself. And when I hesitated and made a confused, shocked noise. . .he then said “No one told you about this? You’ve been diagnosed when you were 18 when you were at MHRC for the first time and psychs that have seen you outside and inside wards have kept current with that diagnosis as they must report it to us that you are stable and medicated.” And I swear to god, if my life were a cartoon, my jaw would’ve been through the fucking floor. . .I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t think. Luckily, no one was home when this phone call happened or I would’ve been fucked. Because only my speaker phone works so I literally HAVE to have all my conversations on speaker phone. So. . .if anyone was home, even with the doors closed, they would have heard things. And I would’ve been fucked. There’s no way anyone would let a diagnosed sociopath stay in their home. . .even medicated. Even my absolute best friends. . .they’d probably be scared for their lives, EVEN WITH KNOWING ME AND KNOWING I AM OKAY AND SANE AND FINE AND MEDICATED AND A GOOD ASSET TO THE HOUSEHOLD. Still. . .just that diagnosis alone is going to fuck my ENTIRE LIFE over. . .

But apparently I have to have a yearly visit to evaluate my mental status with this organization or one of its affiliates. Because they’re cracking down hard on a) the war on drugs, b) school shootings, c) murders/serial murders/bodily harm/etc. . .all of which are highly associated with sociopathy. APPARENTLY. I’m not even sure if that’s true. That’s just what they told me. How credible are they? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS. THEY FUCKING LOCKED ME UP WHEN I WAS JUST TRYING TO FUCKING GET HELP ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO IN A CRISIS SITUATION SO I MEAN FUCK THEM.

And NOW they’re fucking getting an affiliate association here in LA to come fucking do my evaluation and report back to them??? Is this even a legal thing they can do? Is this a state-regulated thing? Coz, I mean, I know NC has these laws. . .but, I’M NOT IN NC. I mean, my residency is either in NC or FL. I’m not sure which. But. . .I’M IN NEW ORLEANS RIGHT NOW AND HAVE BEEN FOR OVER A MONTH. I know that doesn’t make me a resident, but. . .since they do have affiliate associations in the area. . .does that mean it’s a government regulated thing??? Coz they can’t just. . .if it’s state regulated, they can’t just. . .

How is this even fucking legal? To come literally to wherever I’m living, come in my home, and count my fucking psych meds and go through the paper trails of my psych history and medications. . .and to “make sure” I’m still medicated and make sure I’m not on drugs and make sure this and that and do an evaluation on whether I am mentally stable enough FOR THEIR STANDARDS or not.

FUCK THIS. Absolutely FUCK THIS.

Okay. . .I have to literally accept that I have been diagnosed as a sociopath by every professional I have ever come into contact with and all of them kept it from me. I have to come to terms with the fact I am legally obligated to stay on medication and can be penalized if I do not. I have to accept that I have an annual evaluation with fucking whoever the hell who basically just shoves their fucking opinions onto a legal document saying whether THEY PERSONALLY THINK I’m stable or not.

I don’t FEEL like I’m a sociopath or even have any sort of sociopathic symptoms. I don’t THINK I am a sociopath. I feel like that is a SERIOOOOOUS misdiagnosis and they should fucking reevaluate that. In fact, I KNOW I’m not a sociopath.

So this is absolute bullshit that they’re putting me through this. And since I have a legal diagnosis, if someone (like an employer or something) were to ask. . .wouldn’t I be legally obligated to tell them? This is going to fuck so many things up in my life. . .and if my roommates happen to be home when these people come to fucking evaluate me. . .they’re going to find out. They’re going to fucking find out. And I’m going to get kicked out. And no one is ever going to let me live with them or let me near them or ever let me fucking be friends with them AGAIN. I am going to be alone and abandoned by everyone I know and love because of this. Because of a fucking misdiagnosis.

And it kills me. . .because I can’t do anything to avoid this happening. Even though it IS a misdiagnosis and they’re 200% wrong, I can’t stop them because they THINK they are in the right. And they have the power, not me.

The one fucking phone call just shattered my life into fucking pieces. And could possibly leave me homeless or permanently institutionalized.

I’m scared. . .but I’m moreso angry. Angry at their fucking incompetence. I know me better than any of them know me. So don’t you think I would, personally, know if I were a goddamn sociopath? Yeah, I absolutely would. So fuck them and their dumbass OPINIONS. Coz that’s all they are. . .opinions.

Who the hell is that stupid to think I, ME, KILLIAN, AM A FUCKING SOCIOPATH? Who the hell is that goddamn stupid? Not saying ignorant; ACTUALLY STUPID.

Fuck, I’m mad. Scared and upset. . .but mostly just fucking mad. . .

Listen to me, not them. I’m right, they’re wrong. I may have a legal diagnosis, but they’re still wrong. They’re fucking wrong so please just trust me when I say this isn’t true and a legal diagnosis like this means NOTHING.

#personal #i'm sorry #please don't be scared of me #please don't abandon me #they're wrong and i'm right so please just #listen to me and not them #because I certainly know me better than any of them know me #okay?#adding in trigger tags that i missed the first time around #sociopathy #psychopathy #psychopath #sociopath #tw #trigger warning #psych #psychology

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firebunnylover · 7 years ago

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Hannah Watches LoSH - Brain Drain

Brain Drain

I’m so sorry this took so long to finish. A lot of IRL issues been going on. I had to address those before putting full attention on reviews. July sucked.

This episode was another one I livestreamed. Twice. With no regrets. And the featured guests for the stream are @fade-steppin, @peskyshortcake, @cyclone-rachel and @legionworldproject

So the opening to this episode is Superman and Lightning Lad talking to Saturn Girl and Timber Wolf about Brainy acting weird in the last few days, staying inside his room/lab.

Gee, maybe it’s got something to do with the subtext from the last episode?

When Saturn Girl is telling them they shouldn’t have to assume something weird is going on, Brainy comes out of his room.

Why did he do that?!

Superman finally acts on his concern and goes to knock on Brainy’s door, although Brainy tells him to go away.

Yeah, I’m sorry but I need to assume he’s upset about the chemistry between Superman and Lightning Lad last episode.

Superman tells Computo to override the door’s lock, and the group finally sees what Brainy has been working on. A containment chamber. For Brainy.

Superman tells Brainy to explain what’s going on, and Brainy finally does so. Stating that Coluans undergo an alignment every 2 solar cycles that share their intellegence, but that B5’s process will be different because he’s no longer part of the Coluan Hive Mind. And will be unpredictable for 10 hours.

Okay so we finally learn more about Colu. And we finally know what the hologram Coluans from Fear Factory meant by “One with us again”. They were talking about the Hive Mind. Oof.

When questioned about why he didn’t tell anyone, Brainy admits it’s his first time separated for this process, and that it will be embarrassing.

Aww, my self-concious nerd.

Saturn Girl reassures him that he doesn’t have to go through this event alone, which makes him smile.

My baby~

Just as the Alignment is about to begin, Brainy gives final instructions to the others not to let him out.

At first, nothing much seems to happen. But after a few hours, it happens.

I love these parts so much. Brainy is so expressive.

When the Alignment finishes though, Brainy is still acting different from his usual self.

Superman suggests it might be normal, and then the containment unit starts to act up.

Okay, I keep replaying this part, but I'm not entirely sure if that’s what he actually says. Forgive me.

Superman goes to save Brainy from the unit before it blows from a power overload.

Platonic friendship in the background ~

The best animation.

Later, we see that Superman has Brainy wrapped in metal as he’s still incredibly active. Saturn Girl tells the group that his neuron pathways are degrading, and if it continues he will permanently shut down.

Computo tells the group that Brainy needs Zuunium radiation to reverse the alignment’s effect on him. While Brainy says he likes Timber Wolf’s pants.

Oh Brainy.

Computo then states that Zunium is only found in one place, which Timber Wolf instantly recognizes, calling it Zuun.

Brainy then has a particular reaction that at first, just seems like him being a nutcase, but makes more sense afterwards.

No one seems to pay Brainy any mind to his comments though.

Because Timber Wolf admits that he grew up on Zuun, and is then chosen to lead the mission.

I would like to know more about the transmatter gate. Why doesn't the legion have one in the HQ? Are they expensive? It would be convenient.

At the Gate Station (idk what else to call it), we see a Jabba-the-Hut inspired character runs the place and laughs at the Legion’s request at using the gate. When he relinquishes, he gives Saturn Girl a broom, calling the needed gate, Gate 11, “Old Chompy”.

Mm.

Never change B5.

Starting up the gate is nerve wracking for both Superman and Saturn Girl as it immediately sparks.

But we see Timber Wolf show a softer side to him.

Okay, this is the first time he makes a joke on the show. He’s come so far… my puppy…

Timber Wolf goes through first, followed by Superman, who is reported to be a little gate sick. When it’s Brainy’s turn, he objects as Lightning Lad carries him to the portal.

Wow. Great care skills.

However, the machine sparks. A lot.

He’s so mortified.

It turns out that not only did Brainy loose his body, but Superman has lost his powers.

After we see Superman in a suit similar to the one Timber Wolf is wearing, Brainy starts rambling again.

When Timber Wolf tells Superman that it’s not too late to go back, Superman insists on staying. Just before being handed a device to monitor to check B5’s status, and B5’s head.

Back at the gate station, Saturn Girl tells the manager that the body went missing.

RUDE.

As soon as Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad get told which gate to take to where B5’s body has been running rampant, we cut back to Zuun.

This is the major indication that Brainy is trying to tell them important stuff, but is saying it in a way that is hard to interpret.

The group encounters miners, who are not to friendly, and then we learn that Zuun’s atmosphere is toxic, and that inhaling it leads to mutations. The miners attack them, and Brainy’s head is essentially taken hostage.

While Timber Wolf is busy fighting the miners all hardcore style, Superman is stuck in a game of monkey in the middle, with Brainy as the object being tossed back and forth.

Why does Brainy say “My nose ring”? He doesn’t have one.

Rather than being saved by Superman, he’s saved by Timber Wolf, who tells Superman to run, instructing him to head to the elevator.

And we see that Superman just forgot what the ring was originally for, and has to be reminded. Wow.

As soon as he takes off, Timber Wolf gets tackled by some more miners, and tosses Brainy’s had to Superman.

Superman is butterfingers.

He stops running for a moment to look back at Timber Wolf, who is still fighting, and Timber Wolf has to tell him to keep moving.

Ok this led to some of the best comments during the streams.

Then we finally see where Brainy’s body went to. Diaphus 3. Again, winging it with spelling. But I think there’s a better description for the place.

Steven Universe’s Homeworld.

Brainy’s body proceeds to terrorize the poor Guidebot 2.9 and running into the towers, destroying the place, as Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad step through. And Saturn Girl comments that he just HAD to end up in that particular place.

Back on Zuun, Superman manages to reach the elevator, and Timber Wolf manages to shake off the miners that were clinging to him…

And then Brainy does this.

NOT HELPING.

And regarding this particular moment during the stream…

PESKY GET UR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

But regardless of what just happened, Timber Wolf just jumps down after the elevator, like a bad ass.

I love you my puppy.

However, three miners hop down after him. One guy is kicked off the top of the elevator – he lives (I think), and Timber Wolf makes one of the other guy’s mask crack open – his mask was the one that was notably the most intact of the miners we see.

The third miner however manages to grab him, and holds him up in the air.

OH NO.

We then cut from the tense scene back to Homeworld – I mean, Diaphus 3, where the poor tour guide is screaming for security. While B5′s body is continuing to destroy the place.

Wow. For once Lightning Lad cane make a good point about something. That isn’t his brother’s bad personality.

The moment is cut short buy Lightning Lad trying to short circuit Brainy. At first, it seems to work. But then this happens.

OUCH.

Sass.

Saturn Girl tries talking to Brainy, and at first it seems to work, but then Brainy runs off after the tourbot.

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS

Saying it was worth at least a try, she then asks Lightning Lad if he has any other brilliant ideas.

Wait. Lightning Lad had an original GOOD idea? What did that punch DO to him?

Cutting away from a touching scene, Superman is still inside the elevator while the fight is still going on above him.

Thankfully, our beloved Puppy pops into the elevator, all in one piece.

But then we get some bad news, that without Superman’s powers, the Zuunium vault is not an option they can use for Brainy.

Oh Brainy.

And then we learn that there’s only one active mine left wher they can get the Zuunium, which is the core.

Now, before I proceed, you guys remember how much I kept ranting about the bad use of darkness and details together in the episode Fear Factory?

Well, I need to go at it again.

BECAUSE OF THE GOSHDARN CORE’S DARK SCENES.

Now there are other parts of the core’s settings that are much better drawn/painted, so this possibly bothers me much more this time because they could have followed the better design all the way through for this place. But they didn’t.

I won’t pick out particular shots to complain about, but just know that it pained me physically when making these gifs.

Not long after entering, they have to hide from a robot. It leaves without detecting them, but we get a funny line out of Brainy at least.

Superman asks what that was, to which Timber Wolf tells him it was a mining robot, aka mine-bot, which is the only thing that can survive in the core. And notes they are irritable.

And then they stumble in a huge group of them.

Give the mine-bot credits for strength and skills.

As they try to pull Superman apart, Timber Wolf manages to save him while carrying Brainy – again. But when he dodges one of the robots…

Ow. Poor B5.

Superman gets cornered into what I assume is an abandoned station that was meant for people, but finds something that makes him smile.

Timber Wolf is getting overpowered by the robots, and we see more goofy brainy.

WAIT. YOU HAD EXTENTIONS AND YOU DIDN'T USE THEM EARLIER?!

The problems with us watchers being adults.

When Timber Wolf is pinned down, he is saved by Superman, in what is clearly a reference to Aliens.

Nice.

I love how Timber Wolf says that.

As the two search for him, they stumble upon what at first seems like another mine-bot. But it ain’t.

My feelings too.

And another comment from Pesky.

*sigh*

Don’t change… is what I would insist on, but the monitors indicate Brainy is reaching a critical status.

Returning to Homeworld, where Brainy continues his terror, Saturn Girl and Lightning Lad go through with his plan. Which is to lure Brainy to the gate with a hologram of Guidebot 2.9.

Lightning Lad, you are a constant source of bad ideas. Just look at the last episode.

Really, what did that punch do to him.

But B5 still did a lot of damage.... a lot.

Returning to Brainy’s head, the mine-bots are ganging up on them, and tearing the claw-suit Superman is using.

When Superman urgently tells Brainy that if they don’t get him to the zuunium cave, they will lose him, we get one of the best replies ever.

Superman proceeds to pick up Brainy with the claw machine while Timber Wolf keeps the mine-bots busy. Brainy however interprets Superman as a “big scary space lobster” who is trying to eat him, and pleads him to leave his brains. Even though Superman tells him to hold still, Brainy manages to destroy one claw, although is picked up by the second one.

Superman slides down into the mine, although the claw suit gets rekted. As he and Brainy go further down, Brainy starts shutting down and the suit Superman is wearing seems to be damaged by the radiation.

But that really got me in this scene is what Brainy is saying.

Oof. This stabs me in the feels.

But despite that he’s obviously being affected by the radiation, Superman picks up Brainy’s head, which fell from the robot body, and carries him to the Zuunium, even though he falls flat onto his back from several feet above while climbing down.

Superman does pass out, but does wake up when he hears Brainy calling his name.

Wow. Not gonna take that in any shippy-kinda-way…

Timber Wolf has successfully rekted all the mine-bots. What a good puppy.

Upon returning, Saturn Girl runs to Superman and asks if he’s alright, to which he replies that he thinks so. Interestingly enough, he seems to immediately bounce back as he quickly takes off the suit.

And now we have to assume that just one part of him getting exposed is enough for the effects to be reversed.

Pesky, stop.

The scene then returns to HQ, where B5 is one piece again. Literally.

Important questions.

Brainy thanks Superman for what he did, and Superman says there’s a way for him to make it up to him, to which Brainy promptly replies “Anything.”

Superman asks him to help him figure out why he lost his powers, to which Brainy immediately replies because his powers only work under a yellow sun’s light.

Now, recall what he had been rambling about earlier. Red ants. Too much red in the sun. HE WAS TRYING TO TELL SUPERMAN THAT WHILE IN CRAZY BOT MODE.

Putting that clever trick of the writers aside, Superman is shocked that Brainy knew and asks if he thinks he should be telling him stuff like that. To which Brainy says no, since there is stuff Superman needs to learn in his own time.

So final thoughts on the episode overall and characters

Plot wise, I think this is meant to be mostly a comedy episode, but the few moments that are more dramatic are deep.

So, first thing I want to discuss is Brainy and how clever the writers were with hiding accurate information on Superman’s weaknesses/backstory with his outburst. Very good. This went over my head when I first saw it. Heck, I didn't even realize the red ants part until someone brought it up a while back.

And another thing that I feel is worth mentioning is the exact order of the production episodes and what it implies. So, this episode originally came out before Lightning Storm, when the production is in reverse. In Lightning Storm, Brainy shows up briefly, but doesn’t contribute much. But with this episode, we can assume a reason why.

He was busy getting ready for the Alignment. It makes perfect sense! Lightning Lad says he had been in his lab for days, and while that can easily have been blamed on upcoming auditions and roaming kids who want to audition, it makes more sense that Brainy would have been working on the containment unit.

Although I still want to believe some of the sulky behavior was from the chemistry between Lightning Lad and Superman in the last episode.

I can’t believe this show got away with so much.

As for his personality during the Alignment, we see him go off the walls. Which we all enjoyed thoroughly. Unlike in his usual logic mode, he doesn’t hesitate to blurt out important stuff about Superman. But he does so in a way that people won’t understand easily. As for his weirder comments, hard to tell if that was revealing more of his interests, or if he was just blurting out random things.

Regarding his expressions/animations during these parts, I really wished we got more stuff like this in other episodes.

And as for his serious mode, we see more of his insecurities. He doesn’t want to be embarrassed by his behavior, hence why he went to such lengths to hide what was going on.

With his whole secret hiding habits, we can under stand why with Superman’s case. No one wants the world to come to an end in this show due to time continuum getting botched up. But we see it goes beyond just Superman’s life. And if the other’s didn’t intervene, he would have died.

As for the Alignment and Colu itself, both remind me of what I said about Coluan culture in Fear Factory. Lack of individuality. There is a Hive Mind, that all Coluans are naturally linked to. Intellegences is uploaded and shared with other Coluans. That… indicates a good lack of privacy. We don’t know the extent of how much data is shared. But good chances are it’s a lot.

Brainy is a private person. That much we know. No wonder he cut himself off from the Hive Mind.

Second topic to get into is Timber Wolf.

He has grown so much from when we saw him in Phantoms. From the team’s reclusive lone wolf (get it?), who took everything seriously, to a more social being who is a bad ass leader that makes jokes and saves his teammates, repetitively.

With no complaints.

Like, every time. And tells Superman he can go back when he lost his powers.

He was… almost…

Dad-like…

Well, I guess we’ll put this in the evidence locker that Timber Wolf would make the best dad.

So, rather than spending his whole life on Raal, he spent some time on Zuun as well, possibly more because he states he grew up there.

Zuun is not a good state. It’s like, a type of Post- Apocalypse bad. Toxic air that mutates anything that breathes it? Definitely not a good sign. I’m putting my money down there was some kind of industrial/chemical disaster that ruined everything for anything organic, hence why mine-bots were so numerous. But there are still people who are stuck living there. And there are a lot of buildings standing, in good condition. Plus we don’t find out if the air can actually kill people or not.

Well, I doubt the show would have been allowed to say it outright due to censorship. But implications would have been nice.

And remember that Timber Wolf seems to lack knowledge on certain (trivial in 31st century) stuff? Seeing the state of Zuun, it’s not hard to imagine a lack of sufficient educational sources.

So Zuun is not the ideal place to live, even if it’s inhabital in some degree.

We don’t learn much about the people who still live there. Which to me is a disappointment. We could have learned more on Timber Wolf’s background before he was transformed.

Ironically, Raal is in a way the opposite. It’s biologically safe to live there. If you just look at that aspect and had to pick between that place and Zuun, you would go there in a heartbeat.

Unless you knew someone was performing illegal experiments on the wild life and his children.

Moving on.

Saturn Girl is once again the Team Mom, and we see more chemistry between her and Lightning Lad in this episode. We also see that she will attempt to talk to people first before taking more aggressive action. And we see more of that wonderful sass of hers. But not much happens with her in terms of development.

Nothing much to report on Lightning Lad… except he had an original GOOD idea. And if there’s anything we can go off from the last episode, original ideas of his own are NEVER good.

And finally down to who I really want to talk to. Superman.

This is the second time he loses his powers, although this time, there is initially no explanation. But he still insists on helping Brainy out. He is that person who will go out of his way to help others.

Even though he’s constantly the damsel in distress. Not that I’m complaining.

We also see how much he has adjusted to his powers, given that it doesn’t even occur to him to use the flight ring when the suit is too heavy to really run in.

Recall that in the first episode, he’s learning how to fly, and is shaky with it. It reminds us that he needed someplace to safely explore his powers, and that Smallville wasn’t that place.

But then there’s the part towards the end when he learns Brainy is hiding secrets from him.

Recall what Drax told him in in Phantoms, that Brainy is hiding more things than Superman is aware of. Superman doesn’t seem to take this to heart then. But now… he will. He should realize Drax was telling the truth with that.

This is definetly going to effect their relationship.

… But sadly, this aspect is hardly played in the show as much as I would have seen it go. As Rachel did mention in the chat image at the end.

The first time I watched this episode, I legitimately thought we were going to get some serious plot line, revealing Brainy’s lineage to the original Brainiac. And build way more on the Colu culture. But the writers went in a different direction. A very different direction, that was still good, but I still wish they could have delved in deeper.

Well, that’s all from me for now. Assuming I don’t get any surprise shifts from work, I hope to get the next review in two weeks at most.

#losh #hannah watches losh #legion of superheroes #brainiac 5 #superman #timber wolf #saturn girl #lightning lad

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unstable-reality · 7 years ago

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Static in the Signal: Chapter One

After a couple months of IRL doom...I’ve finally gotten this going!

The Alliance has been infiltrated. On Hoth, able to trust only one another, Jyn and Cassian race to uncover the mole. Sequel to The Space Between Echoes.

[AO3]

The corridors of Echo Base were busy and cramped, more so than those of Yavin 4. It wasn’t that there were more personnel, or that the passages were more narrow; on the contrary, the opposite was true. Echo was a work in progress. Half-built, half-ready. The Alliance had pushed itself. Divisions had blurred; sentients had undertaken tasks normally designated to droids. Cassian had spent more hours than he cared to scraping out tunnels, and still, there was more to be done. The base was functional, and as secure as could currently be hoped for, but it was nowhere near proper headquarter status.

He hated it. He hated the hand he’d had in creating it.

Snowflakes, riding on gusts in the hangar, clung to his beard and eyelashes. His lower back ached. It had been fine, mostly, when he’d been on his ship, but now it was a pulsing throb, heightened by the cold. There was a sensation, to the left of his spine, as if something were clicking, sliding. He felt it often. His entire hip was not quite right. He tried not to think about it. He’d try not to for as long he could manage.

He passed a contingent of droids, threading wires through a length of pipe, easing them through a hole in the wall. Sparks fanned outward, struck metal, burned hot and bright before vanishing. His nose stung. A humanoid model with a black chassis spared him a glance. It wasn’t the same face, or the same body, and it hadn’t been manufactured for the same purpose, but still, there was a closing in, a pressure on his lungs, a thickness in his throat. He shoved it back into the same place he put his pain.

A group of pilots walked toward him, on the opposite side of the corridor. They were animated, chatting, smiling. The one on the outside struck his shoulder. She looked back. Her cheeks and forehead were framed by stray curls.

“Sorry.”

He was pretty sure she didn’t know him, but he knew her. He knew everyone. Shara Bey. He gave her a nod. She blinked, nodded back. His fingers twitched toward his coat pockets. It was an old reflex.

CIC, when he reached it, was a cold, noisy mess. Divisions were on top of one another. The lighting was utilitarian. He walked past clusters of operators, past soldiers and commanders conferring; past screens, transparent save for the glowing outlines of maps. He was used to debriefing in confined spaces -- or, at least, in mostly private ones. Having to meet the General out here made the back of his neck itch. But there wasn’t much to be done for it, unless everyone in Intelligence started meeting in special quarters, and that would telecast more than they were willing.

Draven sat at a desk in a corner. He was leaning back, frowning at a datapad. The space around him was dark.

He looked up. His eyes shifted, taking Cassian in. He straightened. “Captain.”

Cassian saluted.

“At ease.” Draven folded his hands over his lap. “Report.”

Cassian’s stance widened. “I abandoned the objective. Imperials had already established a presence.”

Draven frowned. “It took you five standard days to come to that conclusion?”

“No, sir.” He felt a familiar prickle, where his neck joined to his skull. He breathed. His features held still. “I delayed to ensure I hadn’t been followed.”

“You had no opportunity to send a message?”

The prickling spread, over his shoulders and upper back. “It didn’t seem prudent, sir, no.” He was used to lying. He did it all the time. But he had only once before lied to the man sitting in front of him. It was necessary. It was right. Habit made it feel wrong, and experience made it feel dangerous, in a way that few of his gambits had.

Draven regarded him for a long moment, then sighed, planted his elbow on the arm of his chair, ran his forefinger along the skin between his upper lip and nose. “You’re certain there’s nothing that could be done? No way to dislodge them?”

“Not without drawing undue attention.”

There was a pause. The air was filled with the chatter of nearby operators, hushed and indistinct; with indicators beeping, their songs overlapping and bleeding into one another. Cassian was good at what he did -- brilliant, if he was to take the word of a certain woman in his life -- and he took precautions, and in twenty years, and even as a child, and even when his fear had all but run him and his heart had beat so loud that he’d been sure everyone could hear, he’d never been caught, apart from on Jedha.

He’d barely begun to play this game, and already he felt the whisper of a noose.

Draven rose. “Walk with me.”

They moved toward the rear of CIC. Draven led them down a small passage. Their shoulders brushed. “You know why you’re being given these assignments.”

He gritted his teeth. Of course he knew. He knew why he was no longer being sent to recruit, why other agents were landing undercover missions, why he was spending his time scouting and acquiring supplies. The things he was doing were important things, useful things, but they were also, to a certain extent, unsuited to him. He’d said it to Jyn, in so many words: punishment, fancied up in accolades. “Sir.”

“Your saving grace is that you’ve continued to get results. But make no mistake: we’re in no position to tolerate sloppiness or insubordination.” He stopped. His gaze swept back and forth, along the passage. It was clear, save for the two of them, but he stepped closer, nonetheless. “This isn’t the first instance lately where the Empire has been ahead of us. If there’s a reason for the pattern, then we need to find it.”

Cassian looked up. His hands were behind his back, resting at the spot where the soreness began, the thumb and forefinger of one hand wrapped around the wrist of the other. His heart fluttered. He waited.

“I want you to look into it. No one else is to know.”

Well, that was going to be a problem.

“Consider this the next step in regaining our full trust. If it goes well, we’ll look at returning Albarrio to you.” Draven tilted his head back. He was tall enough to look down at Cassian naturally; the gesture heightened the effect. “You’ve been one of our better agents, Andor. Don’t disappoint me.”

Cassian replied with a single, tight nod, lips drawn downward, brow relaxed. Draven’s eyes ran up and down his face. His lips thinned.

“Dismissed,” he muttered, and turned and headed off, back toward CIC.

Cassian stared after him. His mind ran laps. His heart wasn’t racing, not exactly, but it was beating faster, and a thread of nervous heat was working its way through his core. Alliance Intelligence wasn’t stupid; it wasn’t surprising that they’d noticed something, or that they’d started to suspect what he already knew. But he hadn’t expected to be made aware of that suspicion, at least not so soon. It might be a good thing. It might also be very, very bad.

At least a full minute passed before he moved, walking in the opposite direction of the General, following the passage to its end. It emptied into a lesser-used corridor. Darker than the others, colder, walls and floor left rough. It took him a moment to orient himself. He wondered if they knew something. He wondered if someone had seen, or heard. He could be more open, now, if he wanted, and that would give him access to more channels, but part of why he hadn’t sought them in the first place was because he couldn’t be sure about them. And then, of course, there was Jyn. It would make things harder for her, if they were monitoring him on this.

Shit.

His quarters were on the edge of the South Passage. Despite the marks against him, he was still a Captain, and that entitled him to a private room. It was small -- four meters long and two and a half wide -- and the heating was as unreliable as on the rest of the base, but he needed it, these days, and was grateful for it. He took off his coat. Sat on the edge of his bunk, ran his hands over his face, settled his thumbs under his chin, his forefingers on either side of his nose. He needed a shave. He needed to talk to his contact. He needed to know whether he could still trust him. The thought came, speeding along tracks laid a lifetime ago, that he might have to neutralize him.

Call it what it is, Andor: killing.

He forced it away.

There was a rap at the door. His hands fell, wrists landing on his knees, fingers dangling between them. He flooded with irritation. He didn’t want to be bothered. He wanted to sift through his thoughts, pick at this new assignment, this new potential problem, until sleep rolled over him and dragged him under. The rap came again. He squeezed his eyes shut, took a long breath, and rose.

He leaned against the door. His voice was pitched low. “Who’s there?”

“Sergeant Erso,” the visitor said, the rank sounding strange and forced.

He felt a jolt in his gut. The irritation fled. He straightened and palmed the panel beside the door, movements jerky with urgency. She was standing with her arms folded across her chest, shifting from one foot to the other. Radiating with that constant, hair-trigger energy, that livewire buzz that made her mere presence loud. Her cheeks were pink from the cold. Her hair was crusted and shiny with frost. She didn’t smile when they made eye contact, but her features softened.

“Captain.” There were other people moving about. “I heard you were back.”

Of course she had. He’d have known the exact moment she returned, were their positions reversed.

“There’s something I’d like to ask you. One of the scouts said you’d probably know.” She jutted her chin toward his quarters. “Do you mind?”

“No.” He wondered if they were really fooling anyone. He suspected that they weren’t. The calculating part of him thought it might be useful: sleeping together as a cover for conspiring. Then again, they already had a reputation for the latter. What am I going to do? “Please.” He stepped to the side, allowing her to pass. They didn’t touch. The door closed, and still, they didn’t touch. For a long moment, they didn’t even speak.

He hadn’t seen her in five standard days. He was aching from it, powerfully, all over, and yet he just stood there, looking at her. He felt awkward. He couldn’t imagine why; there was no reason for him to, after everything that had passed between them. But it was all so new, and he wasn’t sure what normal was, and he had a feeling that she didn’t know, either. They were making it up as they went.

Were they watching her? Had they spoken to her, too?

“So,” she said, at last. There was a ledge carved into the wall above the foot of his bunk. She placed her blaster and truncheon there, beside his own weapons. “How’d it go?”

He opened his mouth, closed it, breathed through his nose. Walked past her. He couldn’t be near the door when he started talking. Neither of them could. He leaned against the desk opposite his bunk, curling his fingers under the lip and crossing his legs at the ankles. “I’m not sure if ‘well’ is the right word.” He’d wanted to avoid being followed, it was true. It made sense to take the long way home. But it hadn’t been the only reason. He’d made a stop, along the way, off the record. “I was able to find out how Telara had been turned.” He paused. “They took his family. They told him they’d kill them, one by one, and record it.”

He let the implication sink in. Her jaw and shoulders tightened. Her eyes dropped.

“Wish I could say that was surprising.” She said it softly. “Did they not know who he was, until recently?”

“I don’t think that they did, no.”

“But all those years...”

He nodded. She was so close to him. He could tap her leg, if he moved his foot a hair. He could take her hand, if he pushed himself forward and reached out. His thoughts skittered back and forth. They had to talk about this, about all of it. There were things that needed doing. The mission didn’t stop being the mission just because he’d missed her. “I know. It might have been that his luck ran out; that’s the way it is with informants. He might also have been deliberately compromised.” It would fit. It would make sense. He was almost certain it was what had happened. “But I wasn’t able to determine that. There wasn’t the time.”

Her hands moved to to her lower back; her shoulders tugged at her snow-colored thermal coat. It was ill-fitting. He wanted her to take it off. “So that’s it.”

“For that, yes. For now.”

He could tell she was gritting her teeth. “It’s not a whole lot.”

“No,” he admitted. He’d have liked to have gotten more out of it, himself. He might have, if he’d thought he could get away with a longer delay. But the speculation, the direction of it -- that was a piece. There’d been times when he’d unraveled entire plots from less. “But it’s something more than we had before.”

Silence fell for a moment. There was a rumble beneath their feet, followed by a long, low groan. The shield doors were closing. She took a few steps toward him. “How, uh.” Her throat worked. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” She was trying to change the subject. “There’s something else.” Would she expect it? Did she already know? He wanted to grab her waist and pull her to him.

Her gaze roved over his face. “What?”

“Draven,” he said. “He knows something’s off. He’s asked me to look into it.”

“Are we in trouble, then?”

“More so than usual, you mean?” He found himself uncrossing his ankles, standing up, moving to meet her. His hip popped. He grimaced. “I don’t know yet.” I don’t know if I can keep you safe. And he wanted to. He’d been wanting to since before he’d even realized that that was what was driving him. There was hardly any space left between them. Her fingers brushed against his. The air was cold. He ran hot. “What about you? Anything?” He touched her hair, her face, her neck. His blood was rushing, pooling.

“Nothing new.” She took his hand. Her fingers wove between his and flared outwards. “Cassian, I’m serious.”

He sighed. “What do you want me to say?” He ran his thumb along her jawline. “I really don’t know.” Thoughts of duty were fading.

She clicked her tongue and shook her head. Her lips, however, were curving upwards. She placed her hand on his hip, passed it around to his back. Pressed her fingers into his flesh. “You should get this checked out, you know.”

She’d noticed. It wouldn’t have been her if she hadn’t. “No need,” he said.

“Hypocrite.”

He smiled at her. He couldn’t reach her knee, but he wrapped an arm around her waist, and drew her to where it touched his own. “That was different.”

“No, it wasn’t.” Her voice had gotten very quiet. Her words were captured by his breath. “You’re being stubborn.”

He sniffed. Their foreheads touched. He splayed his hands over the small of her back; she wrapped one of hers around the back of his neck. His chest was swelling. “How have you been? Really?”

“Bored.” It was half a chuckle. She tilted her head upwards. Her nose brushed his.

“That’s a shame,” he murmured against her lips. In truth, he was relieved. It meant nothing had happened, at least not to her. She leaned up and into him, whispered something he couldn’t make out, and then kissed him. Her lips were cold, at first; an artifact of Hoth, and all its unpleasantness. Friction warmed them. He held her fast. He kneaded her hip, her rear, and slipped one hand up, behind her head, under her bun, through her hair. She gripped his neck. Cupped his cheek. Hooked a thumb under his belt. Their movements were slow, languid. Their kiss was at once deep and raw and delicate.

He’d missed her. He couldn’t believe how much he’d missed her. He trembled from the force of it. He broke away and buried his face in her neck and shoulder. “Jyn.”

“What?”

She kissed his jaw, his neck. One of her hands moved over his abdomen and slid upward. He pressed his lips and tongue to her neck. Her body rolled against his. He planted his palm between her shoulder blades, and let himself roll back.

“You’re staying?”

Her fingers dug into his shirt. Her thumbs moved downward, then back up, bunching the fabric. It was coming out from his trousers. It would be cold, but it would be worth it, as it had been, for the past month.

“Of course,” she replied, tone heavy and rough.

He walked her backwards, toward his bunk. He fumbled for the buttons on her coat. Her hands covered his, helped him. She caught his bottom lip between her teeth and tugged, and he let her pull him, increased the pressure on the back of her head, sucked on her tongue, and pulled her right back. A gasp, sharp and sweet, rose out of her and landed in his mouth. Fire lapped at his spine.

Would they see? Would they try to take her from him? She already knew things that, as it turned out, she wasn’t supposed to know. He'd just been told that no one could be a part of it. She was already a part of it. He couldn’t not have her be a part of it. Strange, how his loyalty had shifted.

He’d never done this before.

She grabbed him, and moved in some way, and he was on his back. Her thighs were around his midsection. He squeezed them.

It was hard to think.

He wished he couldn't think at all.

#rebelcaptain #jyssian #therebelcaptainnetwork #au #established relationship #;fics and drabbles #;static #;vibrations

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wellntruly · 8 years ago

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LEGION Recap: 1x06

IT’S A BOTTLE EPISODE. Or, well it’s not strictly a bottle episode, as the definition has gone since it was first a “ship-in-a-bottle episode” on Star Trek. But while this one does have new sets, the use of the old ones, and the reason for why, feels like such a smart, grinning embrace of ~that bottle episode conceptual fun~ that maybe, maybe, this episode has just redefined the term into something more bottled than ever.

Regardless. Like the best bottle episodes, going contained just blows everything wiiiiiide opennn. Smart, and I’m grinning.

In addition to what this episode is doing As Television, there is heaps to unpack in this one in re: its depiction of mental illness and treatment. Which is why I have called on my bff Jen, Legion fan and irl therapist. Jen is in the third year of her PhD program in psychology, and is just out there treating patients and doing research on best practices and generally being a wealth of practical, compassionate psychological insight.

“I knew I was going to adore this episode as soon as I watched the last scene in Ch. 5,” Jen writes. After my request for CONSULT, she happily rewatched Ch. 6 “after spending all day working on an assessment report for my clinic (for like, added thematic immersion).” Her ensuing almost-doctor’s notes will appear throughout this recap, and I’m sure you will appreciate them as much as I DO.

Season 1, ‘Chapter 6’

Hey so WHAT IF everyone we’ve met at Dr. Bird’s Midcentury Commune For Magical Misfits were in fact other patients at Clockworks. What might their thoughts and behaviors look like if mutations were taken out of the equation?

HERE WE’LL SHOW YOU:

Melanie is fixated on the death of her husband, so much so that she has created a fantasy that he’s just frozen in a diving suit, and will come back some day. “But you see it, right?” Therapist Lenny asks, “How you’re the one who’s frozen?”

Ptonomy was powerfully impacted by the death of his mother, and can recall the entire scene in photo-perfect detail. “I like to think I’m a time-traveler,” he says. “I go back, back, back. But all I can do is…watch.”

Cary and Kerry have completely attached themselves to each other, to the point of believing they are mystically connected, even the same person. “Who’s it hurting?” Cary asks. “That’s what I want to know,” Kerry adds.

Walter has anger management issues and a persecuted attitude that he has channeled into being an agent of force (and evil) on the world. Or as Lenny puts it: “You feel isolated by the world but it’s not the world isolating you — it’s you.”

And Sydney…

…isn’t quite buying it.

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Things I Loved About This Episode: how the rest of the team’s powers manifested as “disorders” (you could probably diagnose them all with Delusional Disorder, Unspecified Type, although you could make a case that Melanie has Schizoaffective Disorder or Complicated Grief and Cary/Kerry are (Co)Dependent Personalities or just a good old fashioned Folie à Deux)

And spinning off that Arrested Development-style disembodied hands statue (amazing), Jen, who double-majored in art history in undergrad, would like to give a shout-out to the therapy office-as-art-form concept. (!!!)

Some other items of note from this opening scene:

- that Dr. Bird is/was a doctor of PSYCHOLOGY, #confirmed

- that I am ever a sucker for that editing trope where one stationary character asks another character a question, and a new one answers it

- that Ptonomy was an Army brat and spent part of his childhood in Germany (in the 80s)

- that I find myself coming back to this one time I was joking around about a mutation story idea, and then tossed out “of course it’s X-Men so it’s ultimately about disability and trauma.” and I don’t know if people talk about the X-Men as a metaphor for trauma survivors as often as they do other sorts of marginalized groups, but it seems especially relevant here, looking at the clear pattern this opening lays out.

- and that I need this sideboard:

uuuuuuugghhhh

After her session we follow Syd off through the corridors of Clockworks, skipping aside to avoid brushing against nurses. Then, with this air of Unfortunately, something catches her eye. At the end of one of the halls is a big dark wooden door, entirely unlike the rest of this facility, and also entirely in the style of David’s childhood home. Oh fabulous. I think I know just what you’re gonna do, show.

Before she can investigate further, Syd gets intercommed to report to the nurses station to take her meds. Which brings us back to that central room, and maaaannnnnn…

HAVE I MISSED THIS SET. Full Fact I had been a mourning a little bit that we only got to spend part of the pilot in Clockworks, as the place has got LOOK. Like that pill light on the nurses station are u seeing this. AAAHH.

Melanie is spritzing a daisy with a tiny golden watering can. Cary and Kerry are playing pingpong with no ball but yes the sound of it, curious. And AMY APPEARS as one of the nurses, oh holy cow, and tells Syd it’s time for a spot-check. She then proceeds to feel her up and it’s…wow yikes. Like, very deliberate and yet disturbingly detached? Eesh [shudders]

Meanwhile, the Carries have a pingpong ball now. Curiouser and curiouser…

Oh, and:

THIS ‘CHAPTER 1′ AU??!!!!

Ptonomy has Lenny’s exact lines, this is wild. David has new ones though, wondering what sort of life this catatonic patient (Flings) might have had before he was institutionalized. “Maybe he loved dogs,” David offers.

“Everybody loves dogs,” Ptonomy responds.

“Not me.”

David, you have a ghost beagle.

Ohhhhh. Oh maybe the recent information we’ve learned about ““King”” is why this you now doesn’t think you like dogs.

Anyway, Ptonomy tells David that it’s irrelevant, because “once the sickness starts” their lives before no longer matter, and their lives after no longer exist. There is only the present, only Clockworks. And there is no dosage, no therapy, no magic cure that will return them. COMMENTARY.

Syd comes over then to sit on the arm of David’s chair — they’re still together here, yay! David delightedly shares with her what is very surely the biggest and best news of his whole day: there’s gonna be cherry pie at lunch.

“That’s uh. I know you love that :)” Syd offers. God, you are such a good partner.

She tries to casually bring up the bedroom door she found, but Dr. Lenny darts in out of nowhere and pulls David off for his session, looming at Sydney a little before smiling gently and peeling off. Listen Aubrey Plaza does a great in-your-face alarming, and she also does a great subtly alarming. GIRL GIVES GOOD ALARM.

In his session, David happily tells psychologist-pants Lenny that he feels good, clear. He starts talking about the rhythm he’s found here, while an illustrative montage gets underway with him putting on a record — incredibly, not “Make Your Own Kind of Music”, because perhaps that would have made this too much like Desmond doing his little routine down in the Hatch on Lost. Actually….Desmond down in the Hatch might not be the worst metaphor for David’s situation right now.

In other news: Lol

Lenny asks if David still feels distant and separated from the world, and he answers that he has somebody now, so that’s no longer a problem. Oo, red flag, that’s not a sustainable change, that’s not rooted in you that’s contingent on another.

But David goes on, explaining: “I just feel in control here.” Oh, fuck yeah, you have brought everyone here for safekeeping! Whiiiiiich is fascinating, because it indicates that actually, Clockworks was the last time David felt like he had a handle on his world. Oh that’s so interesting. The expectations of him were ones he could manage. He felt safe. Or at least, safer, relatively to now.

Of course, this is when Lenny, a Fun Therapist, point-blank asks if he’s ever scared he might lose this feeling of peace and security. Well of course he is. In fact, David sometimes worries that this clarity might be “a symptom of the other part of the disease kicking in.” Mania, Lenny supplies.

Whoa honey are you also bipolar??? What! What!!

“People always talk about the depression side,” David considers, “but it’s the-the other side that…invulnerable feeling, that’s…dangerous.”

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Everything about mania and its attendant feelings of invincibility being the actual dangerous part of that disorder is spot on.

“I just don’t wanna mess things up you know. Now that I have balance.” David smiles hopefully.

Oh christ.

(Btw her constantly crooked eyeglasses are such a nice touch. This Is A Costume, it says, and also This Person Is Themselves Off-Kilter.)

After the commercial break, we learn that THEIR CAFETERIA IS AN AUTOMAT?

SHUT UP. SHUT UUUUPPPP. THIS SPACE.

David gets two pieces of pie for him and Syd, and ferries them over to their table. But just as he’s about to take a bite, Amy appears and literally tells him: “Stop. No pie for you.” And she just takes it away!!

My notes start wondering aloud at this point about Amy’s role in all this, working towards an idea that she may be (mal)functioning like the part of your mind that restricts you from things. The self-policing.

Anyhow, Syd declares that they won’t eat theirs if David can’t have any, but he insists they go ahead. “It’s just pie,” he says wretchedly, flomping his head down on his arms.

Bun! Hahahahahaaa, oh my god I’m laughing at you but I’m also so sorry. Oh David.

Syd goes ahead and takes a bite, but it’s not until the crunch that she notices her pie is crawling with beetles. Like the strawberries in the white room!!! She tosses it off the table, and then the bugs are ~mysteriously gone~

A fuzzed version of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” begins slowly introducing itself as we pan over the scattered bits of cherry and crust on the floor.

Guys. Do you know that time it is.

Time for another motherfucking

DAAAAAAAANCE SEQUUUEEEEENNNCCEE

In her office, Lenny takes off her glasses, and then TAKES OFF

PLAZZAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAHHHHH

I MADE AN IRL :D FACE FOR THAT ENTIRE THING

This may seem like an unexpected line to follow the remixed James Bond credits from hell, but WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED: We are in a corridor of David’s addled mind, built out of the remembered corridors of Clockworks. The wooden door connects to the the rest of his head, or at least the sequence of rooms and events that have figured heavily in David’s personal mythology. And Lenny has the run of them. She can dance up on ALL of these settings, gyrating on furniture, sweeping things to the floor, and generally just making destructive fucked up merry in David’s memories.

Y’know, there was a time there where it seemed this Lenny was just a facet of David. But actually it turns out that Lenny IS her own self, only her own self (or, their own self?) is not the Lenny from Clockworks, but an Entity, as Cary has it, wearing her face too. An Entity with a consciousness and a point of view and wants. And that is the character Aubrey Plaza is playing now, after her original Lenny got walled. It’s not a variation of Lenny — it’s straight up double-casting. That’s neat.

Anyway, in going through that sequence several glorious times to grab screenshots, I’ve decided my favorite freaky feature is when she swings herself onto the bed with the electrical cord noose. My G O D.

That night in David’s mind, Syd has strange dreams. They are of the previous episode, hey hey. She wakes up to more of the Weeiird Repriiisaals, with David now being the one to appear in her room in the middle of the night (his feet not showing when the door opens this time), David the one bearing a pillow, David the one telling her to budge over.

“Do you ever have that feeling,” Syd asks, “like something’s happened before, except difff…er-ently?” Adorable delivery, Rachel Keller.

Trying a different track, she asks if he’s happy here. David is like oh my gosh of course, I’ve got you, I’ve got my mustard teacup, what else do I need. “I’m not good at…out there,” he explains. “It’s too much, it’s too loud.”

“It’s life,” Syd responds.

David then reminds us all that he ended up Clockworks because he’d tried to hang himself, which is something I’m finding myself freshly confronted with this episode, and struck. It was one of the very, very first things we saw in this show, and it was so early that I don’t think I ever stuck it anywhere? It was loose in my head, and now over time a frame has been built for it, and it’s settled riiiight in, where it now haunts me.

Based on his lived experiences, David has come to the conclusion that maybe he’s not cut out for real life, and that if he can just stay here where things are simpler, with this grounded routine, this little world that’s more manageable for him, he’d like to do that.

But Syd misses the outside life, even with its messiness, even with how hard it is.

The show’s doing that same vertical orientation thing it did when they were in bed in the white room, which is such a good oddly unnerving trick!

“I can’t stay here,” she tells him quietly.

“Not even for me?” David asks, bright and hopeful.

Syd doesn’t respond before the act ends. OOooo.

The next day, Cary & Kerry are playing an adapted psychopharmacological game of checkers where you have to name a drug each time you move a token. Haha, shit.

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: For more timeline weirdness, at least half the drugs they name weren’t developed until the 90s or later:

Abilify (~2002)

Brintellix (~2007)

chlorpromazine (~1950)

duloxetine (~1990)

Citalopram (~1998)

flupentixol (~1965)

Geodon (~2001)

Interestingly, Klonopin, which is what Lenny in Ch. 1 and then Ptonomy in this episode speculate is causing that guy’s drool, actually started being used around 1964, so I really hope Hawley et al. deliberately chose when to add more anachronistic-seeming things for maximum disorientation

The Carries are not too preoccupied with their game though to talk with Sydney about the troubling dream she keeps having.

“I’m in a room. It’s not a room. Full of people I can’t see,” she recounts, just totally nailing What Dreams Are Like.

This is gorgeous btw. This is a freeze, like we are on this for a while as it gently shimmers in place, and somehow that’s so much more beautiful than if this were just one frame of action? Strange.

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Also appreciated: Sydney’s friends think her dreams are side effects:

Cary: “Clozapine.” Kerry: “More, Effexor in large doses.”

Instead of responding to this speculation, Syd picks up a green hardbound book from the couch. I am nearly too distracted trying to scope the title (The Cosmic Unfolding) to catch Cary sharing that he dreamt of a giant ice cube, but whoa hi I’m here now! And here for this. This is interesting because Syd is dreaming of where she was when she grabbed David and everything stilled, but CARY is dreaming of the Astral Plane, so, HMM hey. Intriguing.

Recalling her own dreams, Kerry asks if Cary remembers that old movie 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Haha niiice.

“Melanie?” Kerry calls over. “What do you dream about?”

“Love,” she immediately responds. God Jean Smart is funny.

Syd decides to see if this crowd has noticed the door in the hallway. They have not. Adorably, when she asks how a door can be there sometimes but not all the time, Cary starts offering her real (well, theoretical physics) explanations, and then finally a psychological one. Not craziness though — confusion.

Later, Cary and Kerry walk off down one of the corridors together, shoulder to shoulder. Cary pulls out his handkerchief to clean his glasses, then just keeps pulling and pulling—

The Loudermilks Are Gonna Fucking Destroy Me, REPRISE

Cary then tells her to hold that thought, like her laughter I guess, oh jesus that’s the cutest damn thing, while he darts in to use the bathroom. Ohhhh god, fantastic — Kerry waits while he takes care of the boring stuff! Aah the way they keep reworking things in this episode!!

Oh also, side-note: Kerry seems significantly younger here? It’s unusual. Also I haven’t decided yet what to do with the fact that she has the white stripes and Cary the orange. This is KERRY, Live 2 Fight Kerry!

And I sure hope she still has that scrap in her, because eeuughhhh — Walter is watching her. Terribly watching her. I hate it. Kerry starts to get a spooked feeling, but when she turns toward that end of the hall, he’s gone. Cary taps her on the shoulder and she swiftly puts his arm in a self-defense grip, so that’s a good sign, but she’s still spooked when they both turn in for the night. They’re next-door neighbors, obviously, and Cary tells her to knock on the wall if she gets scared. My heart.

These frosted windows between the rooms tho. Totally bizarre as an idea but EXCELLENT in execution.

Cary gets in bed after some sudden brief calisthenics (I laughed so much), and then smilingly knocks back the last two notes of the little rhythm Kerry has sent over. Y’know Jen and I once shared a wall in college, and we had a knock system. One knock meant we were there, two knocks meant all is well, three knocks meant shit’s going down in the common room.

And shit’s going down in Cary’s room: as soon as he closes his eyes he opens them again, because there’s a giant ice cube honing down from the astral side. God that sounds like the Y axis of ship directionality — port, starboard, and astral. Hah alright, adopting that.

The iceberg hovers emeraldly above him, creaking with cold, and yeah, Cary’s gonna touch that thing. But as he reaches for it, this happens:

Omggg. Keeping the bed involved, such a fucking great touch.

Cary slips out of frame for a moment as we spin around with him, and when he returns, HE’S BACK LOOKING LIKE HE DID IN THE HAUNTING OF HALLER HOUSE.

Wait. Oh my fucking god wait, WHEN DID HIS HAIR GO SILVER. Because jesus, it is! It is when we were, and now where [gestures] this is. But it used to be blondish, that wasn’t unusual to see him like that in Clockworks, I’d seen that before!! Oh my god I’ve gotta check, hold on….

It was just in the previous episode…oh heck it happened after he took Kerry back in after her injury.... But it’s not an immediate change — his hair just gradually grays bit by bit, scene by scene, until it’s all silvered by the time he shows up in that Google Hangout in the sky over D3.

Alright so that’s fabulous.

ANYHOW. After the figure in the diving suit doesn’t respond to his hello, he just starts trying other languages. <3 Cary. Eventually he asks about the giant ice cube, and the figure just embodies “sure, this way” and they head off.

Oddly, my instinct is always to refer to this as The Figure in the Diving Suit, even though you’d think I’d just call him Oliver. I’m going to be pleased with this later.

Elsewhere, Sydvid are listening to opera or something while he paints and she reads her book. A thought occurs to Syd about the door, and she brings it up to David again. “I didn’t tell you this, but I heard banging inside, like someone wanted to get out.”

Literally David:

I am dead. Every time someone brings something up that I didn’t want them to and I’m CAUGHT OUT I am going to respond with this image.

Syd goes on, about how for weeks now (WEEKS) she’s felt like this place hasn’t seemed quite real. Maybe this is just…a version of reality?

David sighs anxiously, and asks her to please be careful. Syd’s like, pourquoi? Aaannnd then it starts to come out. Here, wherever the fuck Here is in David’s head, here SYDNEY is the one with delusional thinking and outbursts. Oh holy crap now!

“No,” Syd responds, confused but sure: “that’s you.”

“Me?” David reacts, startled. “Oh no, I’m manic depression!”

He’s IMAGINED HIMSELF into a bipolar disorder, THE GUY WITH THE ACTUAL DELUSIONAL THINKING. Oh my god what do you even DO with that!!!

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Interesting that he both gives himself a more common/less scary mood disorder and foists his previous diagnosis on Syd.

“Remember all the stories?” David goes on. “Awake for 72 hours straight, the frantic alphabetizing. And then I…tied a knot.”

Honestly he has a pretty dang thorough understanding of himself as a person with manic depression. God I don’t even!!

The record audio is starting to wobble as Syd begins to panic a bit, because WHAT the very fuck. “What are you talking about. You’re schizophrenic. I have an antisocial personality disorder,” she tells him firmly, as he starts to glance anxiously away.

And did u catch that. She kept their things. She doesn’t think this place is real, but she does think their original mental illnesses are. Whaaaat. Go onn.

David, nervous but still cheery, as he’s been here, tries to mediate the situation. He starts pulling up examples from his own MANIC DEPRESSIVE EXPERIENCE to try to relate to what he thinks is going on with Syd right now, and keeps telling her how much better she’s been doing than when she first got here.

Just, this is so TRIPPY and ANXIETY-INDUCING. Can I coin the term double-blind gaslighting?

Syd decides she needs to get away right now, and makes a quick departure to go try to walk it off in the halls. Good luck darlin’.

Not even giving her a shot, one of the walls is immediately sporting this creepy pulsing, rotting soft spot. Syd TOUCHES IT, and it starts to bleed. Her memory flashes to another wall, a very similar wall, with blood dripping down it. Oh my god. Lenny in the wall.

A whole array of moments from the last five episodes then stream through her mind.

Her faaace, oh babe!

This is the moment when Lenny materializes. Or, sorry: Dr. Busker, as David calls her. Disturbingly, the bleeding sore on the wall is still clearly there as they talk.

“Lenny” asks if Syd likes music, and despite her protestations that she should go to bed, insists she try this new music therapy, and puts a big pair of headphones into her hands. Omfg what is gonna be playing on these bad boys.

Oh it’s peaceful. It’s lovely cricket sounds.

“Just listen,” Entity-Lenny says.

Plaza’s like, St. Vincent hair-do, this look, kill me.

Syd starts to driiiffft ooofffff, floooaating horizontal through the corridor as the music goes ALL LILTING among the crickets, Jeff Russo here you go again!

Almost-Doctor Jen Says: Not mental health related, but I need this weird hypno-crickets-choir-synth.

Gosh I love this show. This is gorgeous and strange and eerie and wonderful.

Eyes closed, lost in the songscape, Syd drifts through a door (the door? has to be), and gently lands in David’s childhood bed, the rocket lamp creakily spinning at her side. Aahhh. It’s like they’re each getting sent off one by one, setting down in some other corner of David’s mind!

Still in the maze of Clockworks, Ptonomy dreams of his mother dying while unloading dishes. And Kerry — Kerry jolts up with a gasp. When Cary doesn’t respond to her knock, she goes next door, and he’s not there. His bed is neatly made.

And Walter is in the doorway, eating an apple and quoting shit about baby birds. He steps in, closing the door. No.

“Young,” he comments, looking at her. “But not too young.” N O.

“Careful. I bite,” Kerry returns.

“Hm. Me too,” he says.

So that’s the worst possible response to a back-off threat I’ve ever heard. My stomach just turned to ice.

Walter starts asking her if she’s ever eaten an animal that was still living, the heat of it, and just, g od— oh thank god, she bolts, out the door. Sobbing for Cary, frantic, all alone, oh my god Kerry oh nooo!!!! This show is SO SCARY, what the hell!! DREADFUL.

Somewhere else in Mindworks, David too has stumbled out into the endless corridors. He walks past one little dead end, and the lovey eery crickets song starts to float in, ahhhhh. He backs up, like literally steps backwards until he lines up with the door, then turns.

[grasps at the air like a weirdo] I just fucking love every designed storytelling choice this show makes!!!

David pads up to the bedroom door, tilts his head, and listens.

“NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE,” Nurse Amy interrupts. David’s like ? what..? She helpfully clarifies that his friends only pretend to like him, and secretly they can’t stand him.

Actually you know what Amy is here: she’s not the self-policing voice, she’s the other voice in that genre of Tumblr post where people have conversations with their anxious mind-weasels.

By this point Amy is pretending to vomit just from being around David, eww, and he’s standing there in stunned dismay doing this hilarious puppy dog eyebrows/chin tuck turtle thing, until he starts reaction-gagging and finally splutters out “Stop!” and rushes off.

I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before in some capacity, but like as a philosophy: how funny I find something = its capacity to emotionally ensnare me. I am heavily involved with this show.

Meanwhile, Melanie waters her miniature garden, which stop-motion-style grows little daisies among the GRAVEYARD that it ACTUALLY IS.

omFG, fabulous

Honestly Melanie Bird as a kitschy plant witch makes a completely off-the-wall kind of perfect sense. What’s that about.

Later, praying in her room, Melanie’s are finally answered: the silent figure in the diving suit appears, standing behind part of her bedroom wall that’s gone translucent. He gestures for her to follow, and tearfully, calmly, she pushes through. At the end of a long hallway she reaches a hatch in the wall, and spins it open. The inside of the window is icy, and just past the threshold it’s David’s bedroom, gorgeously frozen in blue, just as we left it.

Melanie also now looks just as we left her; just as she looks standing a few feet away.

The figure in the diving suit has brought her here to fix a problem. He points at it: the four bullets streaking toward Syd and David. Anyway it’s not til now that I remember David is telekinetic and can apparently freeze the immediate vicinity, so that’s why this situation. Frankly, it’s a good thing they gave him the handicap of being off his rocker because otherwise this character is PRETTY MUCH actual facts omnipotent.

Having now assigned someone to take care of this, the figure in the diving suit disappears, leaving Melanie alone once more. Well, Melanie knows how to be alone by now. She squares herself after a shaky breath, and starts trying to figure out how to get her charges out of the path of the bullets. It turns out to be harder than we’d like. The bullet hanging in the air is too sparking hot to handle, and Syd and David are seemingly rooted in place, statues, impossible to shove.

And then on the far wall —

WHAT KINDA T.J. ECKLEBERG FEVER DREAM!! THEY FLICKED TO LOOK AT HER, I AM SCREAM!

Y’know, this show might affect me far more for how fucking weird it all is.

Alright one last act, are you ready? Hint: hahaha I am not.

David, disturbed, has sought refuge in his therapist’s office. Oh hun. If only you had a proper one who wanted to help you. Instead you’ve come to kneel at the feet of your own personal demon.

Dr. Busker expresses concern that Syd isn’t good for David, that his “love” is just neurotransmitters fucking around in his brain (well gosh I wonder if David has any feelings about neurotransmitters fucking around in his brain). As an illustrated example, the Lenntity tells him the story of that fungus whose spores get into ants’ nervous systems, take over their minds, and turn them into their own spore-producing radio towers by growing a spike up through their heads. She runs her hands up through David’s hair to bring this home on every sensory level, and/or because by this point in the series people had discovered they really enjoyed having Aubrey Plaza make Dan Stevens’ hair real big. Heightens the startled, blown-around-in-his-own-plot look.

A look promptly put to good use when the Lenntity asks him what the point of friendships is, and, quote, “I mean what is the fucking point of babies?”

“I’ll say this,” she remarks, leaning down over him now, “there’s only one being in the vast multiplicity of space that matters: God.”

Wow I did not expect that.

But then she goes on to explain that God matters because he has power, which is the point of life, all while she literally has her foot on his dick, and that does feel in keeping with everything so far, very much so.

Annnnd here’s Why The Hair.

Lenny pulls her shoe out of his crotch, but does not pull her punches. She smiles — did David know she knew his father? Yes, she means his genetic father. “He thought he could hide you from me, but he was wrong. I found you!” WHAT. WAT. God well the circumstances of David’s adoption sure sound like a HELL of a story.

Oh and: Lenny also describes his birth father as a holier-than-thou asshole, and that sure sounds like someone I know, haaahahaha, shit.

So, how DO mutation genetics work, btw. Are powers passed like eye color, with certain traits dominant and others mixing? Like are we talking a Mendel set here, or…?

While someone gets me the hard imaginary science, the Lenntity has crawled onto David’s lap again, running her silver-nailed hands over him. “Such a sweet little baby, and me. Your very own walking, talking…fungus.” These last words are whispered into his ear as she starts chewing on it. GOD??

GOD?????!!!

Lenny says she was thinking she’d just poison him and move on, but he turned out to be so powerful that now she’s thinking there’d be some benefit to sticking around, harnessing this Potential.

But the Lenntity’s starting to feel like despite his own omnipotence, David is becoming just a drag in her ambitions to fuck with God. She flips over and begins shimmying down his chest while casually choking him with a hand behind her head, christ. “And honestly, all I need from you is your body.”

Just. You know that Patricia Lockwood poem I reblogged, The Hypno-Domme Speaks, and Speaks and Speaks? MOOD MUCH? I mean god damn, Plaza gets nearly all the lines in this act! It’s incredible!!

Lenny laughs as she pushes herself lower, grinning big and loose. “And your mind?” she continues, “Well…I could give give a shit about your mind.” She slides down his lap out of sight, and —

Where the what the fuck!!! Oh what the fuck at any of all of this!!!!

Okay, alright, the time is now, time to talk about something. I just checked through my recap history to confirm and yes I have been deleting this thought every time I’ve had it, which is actually hilaaaariously in keeping with this point, I see now.

A little framing first: Emotionally, I still haven’t entirely moved away from the notion of Lenny being an avatar for certain thoughts and fears and instincts of David’s that he himself doesn’t normally present. I’ve just been folding this into what we’ve since learned. Because by now we know that The Entity has been living with/on David since he was very young, and I can readily go with the idea that I’m-You-I’m-Me-I’m-Everything-You-Wanna-Be has been SUPPLYING certain things for their sorta…shared existence, and that these things have, as a result, been underdeveloped in David himself. Lenny, in a way, does kinda become the Id of their collective. And in this way she becomes recognizable to us as certain passing thoughts in our own heads — the things we often try to push down or push away.

And so we come to the thought I’ve had and re-buried every episode since Ch. 3: I am super discomfited by but also super support that the Lenntity continually and increasingly voices a fear of/fixation on sexual assault. It feels a little ~shocky~ for a tv show to do, but any doubts I have about their motives are overwhelmed by how realistic and relatable it feels for certain kinds of dark recesses of the psyche — the Lenntity being a creature of those.

Speaking of dark, David seems to now be packed away in a glass coffin suspended in inky blackness God knows where, surrounded by dim screaming, to accompany his own.

Back…somewhere, a new-to-me cover of “Oh! You Pretty Things” starts playing over Sydney, still dozing in David’s bed with her headphones on, until someone gently pulls them off.

It’s the Figure In the Diving Suit.

It’s Cary!!!

I just get so happy I love my weirdos so much!!!!! Oh, oh, it’s gonna be okay, because now we have a TEAM-UP. The X-Men are the best superheroes because TEAMS.

Anyway to play us out, the lyrics of my favorite David Bowie song have never been more of a thrill:

Look out my window, what do I see A crack in the sky and a hand reaching down to me All the nightmares came today Looks as though they’re here to stay

Oh you pretty things Don’t you know that you’re driving your Mamas and papas insane Oh you pretty things Don’t you know that you’re driving your Mamas and papas insane Let me make it plain You gotta make way for the Homo Superior

END EPISODE 6

Final Thoughts from Almost-Doctor Jen: You said you felt like this episode is simultaneously the most smart and most problematic RE: mental illness. My take on it is that it sits firmly on that line of "see, society just wants to tell you that everything ‘different’ about you is weird, bad, and wrong”, which can be both encouraging/empowering if you take that to mean “maybe this atypical stuff I go through due to what goes on in my brain doesn’t have to be totally bad and can actually be a unique and meaningful aspect of who I am if I learn to manage it healthily” OR really detrimental if you take that to mean “anybody who suggests that my atypicalities are causing me problems/should be treated in some way is just trying to crush my beautiful mutant superpowers and control me”. When you portray mental health treatment (and the providers thereof) as totally despicable, you’re not encouraging people to seek help or educating them on what treatment might actually look like. That said, I think this episode gets a pass because it’s made obvious that this is all a product of David’s mind, and given his situation it makes sense (and is actually really consistent with more old-school Freudian/Jungian stuff) that everything would play out exactly as it does.

***

Wellntruly’s Way Long Legion Recaps Chapter 1 • Chapter 2 • Chapter 3 • Chapter 4 • Chapter 5

#Wellntruly's Way Long Legion Recaps #Legion #Legion spoilers #Tarra recaps stuff #X Men Content #X Men

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hydrus · 5 years ago

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I had a good week. The new repository processing works faster, and collections have a neat new collect/separate option.

repository processing

The non-interrupting repo processing from last week went well! There don't seem to be any big problems, and speeds were ok. As I hoped, I have improved how it 'throttles' itself, letting it speed up and slow down depending on how busy the rest of the client is, so all users should see significant speed-up in most situations and also have smoother browsing and tagging when you want to do something else.

I would like to copy this nicer synchronisation workflow to other large jobs such as Hydrus Tag Archive import and export.

collect and other things

For a long, long time, the 'collect by' dropdown on search pages has been some hacky ancient code. I have updated it all this week, bringing it in line with other systems in the program, and have added a second dropdown that chooses whether to collect or leave separate 'unmatched' thumbnails.

This means that if you collect by 'creator', you can now choose whether files that have no creator are all collected into one thumbnail collection or left as separate thumbs. You can switch back and forth quickly. A related change here is that files that do 'match' will always form a collection even if they are on their own--they will have the little collection icon and "1" count on their thumbnail--whereas previously they would be come out as uncollected, single thumbnails. If you are into collections, you'll soon notice this. It isn't a super-big change, but it does look different, and right-clicking on a one-file collection doesn't give you detailed file info. I am not sure if it is annoying or not for IRL workflows, but now that I can update the collections object easily, I think I will add another option to change this behaviour back to the old system if you want.

Otherwise, I added and fixed some small things. The filename tagging panel--that launches when you add some tags to files you are about to import from your hard drive--now pushes tags to the 'recent' tags list. An issue where a media panel (usually an importer) could rarely get duplicate thumbnails should be fixed. I also started a framework to pre-sort results before system:limit is applied, so we'll soon have some support for saying 'show the 64 largest files in this search' if you system:limit=64 and have 'sort by largest filesize first' set. And I updated the Deviant Art file page parser again to fix 'embed' file url links and title tags. The new Deviant Art login script breaks for some users but works for others, so I think they are still serving up the old layout to some sessions--if you have trouble with it, check out the Hydrus Companion to copy your web browser's cookies over.

client api

Searching files with /get_files/search_files now sorts the results by import time, newest to oldest! If you have been writing a booru wrapper or similar and want easy pagination, let me know how this works. It is hardcoded for now, but I expect to add some options here as I improve support for search-sorted on the UI side as well.

I also added a prototype for /manage_pages/get_page_info. This can give a whole bunch of data for import pages, including down to the individual file import url status level. If you have wanted to queue up new downloads to individual pages or change highlights or similar, have a play with this first 'what's the current status' part and let me know what you think. It may throw some errors! I will put some more work into it, expand the help about it, and round it out with some proper unit tests. Once we are happy, I'll start adding some actions to alter page info.

full list

new repo processing:

improved the new asynchronous repository processing system in several ways:

- it now uses the time it is allotted more accurately. when it has 0.45s to work, it hits this mark more often, especially on slower machines

- it is now politer to the ui if plenty of other work is going on--if the db is loading search results or you are viewing video, it should pause for milliseconds as needed

- it can now work up to 90% of the time during a manual 'process now' run

- when it is working faster than expected, it accelerates its load to operate more efficiently

as a result, the new system should now have faster rows/s and lag out the ui less

client api:

improved how parameters are fetched and tested against expected type and given default values if appropriate, and updated all client api code to use this new system

added /manage_pages/get_page_info, which gives simple or detailed info on a given page, found by page_key

added page info response to hdd importers, simple downloaders, url downloaders, gallery downloaders, watcher downloaders--they say their pause status and file/gallery import info as appropriate

added page info response to file import caches--they say their status and num_done/num_to_do, and in detailed mode report file import item info, which is url/path, created, modified, and source times, current status, and any note

added page info response to gallery logs--they say their status and num_done/num_to_do, and in detailed mode report gallery log info, which is url, created and modified times, current status, and any note

added page info response to thumbnail panes--they say their total num files, and in detailed mode list their ordered hashes

started some help for this expansion, but it will need some feedback and more work to finish

the client api now sorts /get-files/search_files results by import time, newest to oldest. this first hardcoded sort comes to help implement booru-like pagination, but will be expanded to support more types as I flesh out the ui side (as below) as well

hydrus services, including the client, should now be able to handle larger request header+path total size (16KB->1MB). this helps some larger GET queries in the client api. let's see how this goes

client api is now version 11

collect improvements:

the collect data attached to pages is updated to its own object. the default value and existing page settings should update. all ui now handles the new clean object, rather than the old messy list

the new collect object supports an option for whether to collect 'unmatched' thumbs or to leave them separate. this displays in the ui as a dropdown beside the collect-by checkboxlist

to better distinguish between unmatched singles and matched collections with just one item, all one-item collections will now act as collections, with the little '1' collection icon in their corner (previously, they were split into singles). if this is annoying, I will add another option to control whether this occurs

removed some old 'integrate media into existing collected structure code' that was complicated, never used, and now broken

misc sort/collect refactoring

deleted some old unused collection code

the rest:

entering tags in the filename tagging panel, either for all or just selected, now pushes those tags to the 'recent tags' list in later manage tags dialogs

added a framework to start sorting search results before the system:limit is applied--I will soon extend this to start catching the current ui sort (say, 'largest files first', and cut a system:limit appropriately, rather than the current random sample)

added a faster table size check on the analyze maintenance call that will recognise fast-growing tables (e.g. initially empty/tiny repository processing tables that may have seen a ton of recent work) and schedule them better (this was previously potentially hanging certain maintenance checks/shutdown by several minutes when hitting a surprisingly giant table)

reduced the analyze frequency for established tables

the client will now explicitly count as 'idle' and 'very idle' during shutdown maintenance time, in case any shutdown job is considering that for how greedy it should be with work time

fixed an issue where appending new media (thumbnails) to a page that already had that media but within a collection could create a duplicate media entry and invalidate some internal data links to the old media

subscriptions will no longer print full traceback information when a network error causes a sync fail

updated to yet another deviant art file page parser. title tags and embedded image links should be fixed again, post/source time is not fixed

the deviant current art login script is confirmed to work for some users. my guess is certain people are getting cloudflare blocked or aren't being shown the new login page all the time yet, please send in any more info you discover

the client will now recover from a missing options object by putting in a fresh one with default values, including a popup notifying you of the error and giving you a chance to bail out

added a warning and link to the quicksync to the access_keys help page

if the os commands the client to close due to a log off or system shut down, the client will kindly ask for a bit more time do to so if it is available

updated the WTFPL license to v3

next week

Next week is a cleanup week. For the big tags job, I would like to improve importing and exporting tag data, perhaps making a Hydrus Sibling/Parent Archive, and otherwise I will do some boring but important code cleaning and updates.

Unfortunately, endchan is down right now as they undergo some migration, so I am only posting a release post here this week. If they come back in a few days and seem stable, I will post there again, but if not, I may make a new board on another bunker or I may wait until we know more about 8chan after September 5th before I make any decisions. I do want to have an imageboard to discuss hydrus issues, so if you have opinions on a good place for us to be as these events go on, I am interested to hear them. Otherwise, I will keep working as normal.

#release

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hydrus · 5 years ago

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Version 360

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I had a great week. There are a bunch of little things and an important speed overhaul to tag autocomplete.

tag autocomplete

I have never really liked the tag autocomplete workflow. It once blocked the UI completely, and some unusual timing options were needed to make it even useable, but it still often lagged out or just responded with gigantic lists in judders. After chipping away at the problem, this week I am finally updating it to what I really wanted.

So, the main change is that autocomplete results are now fetched as soon as you type. It responds very quickly and overall, I think, feels great, particularly once you have put four or five characters in. You get what you want as soon as you type, and can hit enter right away. The db 'job' to fetch results is now completely divorced from the UI and is able to cancel much faster when you type a new character, so the artificial fetch-start latency requirements of the old system are no longer needed.

There are now just two options for tag autocomplete, under options->speed and memory: whether tag autocomplete should fetch as you type (default on), and a character threshold to switch from 'exact match' autocomplete searches to 'full' ones. This 'exact match' defaults to 2 characters, and means if you type 'sa', you will only get results for 'sa' rather than 'sa*', which is generally a pretty giant laggy list, but if you type 'sam', you'll really be searching 'sam*' and get all matching autocomplete tags. You can reduce or increase this 'exact match' threshold as you prefer, or turn it off completely and get full autocomplete for any input.

Also, I have added some quality of life features. If results do not appear within 200ms, you'll now get a 'loading results...' label in the dropdown for feedback, and any 'static' results, such as exactly what you typed for a manage tags dialog input, or the special 'namespace:*anything*' for a search input, will appear immediately so you can select them without having to wait. Also, entering 'character:sa' will now trigger the same smaller 'exact matches' test as for the unnamespaced 'sa', rather than searching for the whole giant list of tags beginning 'character:sa*' as happened previously.

Furthermore, a query like 'char' no longer matcher 'character:samus aran'. This was a neat idea, but it proved too unwieldy IRL and is now better served by wildcard queries such as 'character:*' or 'char*:*'.

Overall, I am very pleased with the change. Please give it a go, and you'll see the difference immediately. However, tag autocomplete is a complicated system with different workflows, and I have made some big changes, so if you are, say, the sort of user who types fast and just hits enter, and you find the new results are a bit 'flickery' or something for you, let me know and I'll see if I can smooth it out.

more file maintenance

I brushed up the new file maintenance UI under database->maintenance->review scheduled file maintenance to have a nicer list and have added three new jobs:

One fixes file permissions on Linux and OS X. For a while, due to an oversight, file imports have been getting 600 permissions on Linux and OS X. I have fixed this now to be 644 (so, for instance, a nocopy ipfs instance or a network file share running on another user can access the files) for all new files, and this new file maintenance job will retroactively try to fix the permissions of existing files.

The other two are for the duplicates system. One explicitly regenerates similar files metadata, and the other checks if a file is improperly in or out of the similar files searching system, and fixes it if it is in the incorrect place (scheduling metadata regen as appropriate). Both are mostly for debug purposes but will get real use when I eventually add videos to the duplicates system, which will be a giant CPU job we'll want to spread out with the nice new non-blocking file maintenance pipeline. The old maintenance button on the duplicates page that kept eligible files 'up to date' is now gone as a result, and any outstanding jobs there (although most users shouldn't have any by now) should be migrated to the new file maintenance system on update.

full list

tag autocomplete:

after various tag autocomplete async work, fetch timings get a complete overhaul this week. the intention is for a/c jobs to appear as fast as possible, with good ui feedback, without interrupting ui while they work. feedback on how this works IRL would be appreciated

there are now just two autocomplete options under options->speed and memory:

- whether autocomplete results are ever fetched automatically, defaults to true

- the max number of characters in the input that will cause just exact results vs. full autocomplete results, defaults to 2, can be None

namespaces are no longer searched from an unnamespaced query ('char' no longer matches 'character:samus aran'). this proved too slow for real use, and remains better available with explicit namespace searches such as 'character:' or 'char*:*'

the 'exact results' character limit now also applies to subtags of namespace searches! so, entering 'character:a' will deliver the same short exact match results as just 'a'--no more gigantic lists when you put in a simple namespace

improved tag results caching to deal with the new non-namespace matching on subtag input

tag autocomplete dropdowns will now display a non-selectable 'loading results...' label when results take more than 200ms to load.

tag autocomplete dropdowns will now also display 'static' tags, such as 'namespace:*anything*' for 'read' inputs and the exact entered text and possible siblings/parents for 'write' inputs, during loading. so, typing 'character:' just to get the special 'character:*anything*' predicate is now simple and does not need a whole load wait to enter!

cleaned up some tag listbox code to handle parent selection and navigation better along with the new label type

greatly improved autocomplete search logic in the critical text search portion, collapsing it into one cleverer and more easily cancellable query rather than two or three simpler ones with potentially gigantic lists thrown back and forth

improved speed of autocomplete cancel for certain large lists with many siblings

file maintenance:

the new file maintenance ui now shows scheduled jobs in a listctrl, and only shows jobs that have outstanding work. you can clear/do work on multiple selected jobs

the file manager should now try to guarantee at least 644 permission on file imports (previously, it was only trying to add 600, which lead to problems with nocopy ipfs running on another user etc...)

added a file maintenance job to check and fix file permissions

added a file maintenance job to regenerate similar files metadata

added a file maintenance job to check if a file should be in the similar files system--if it should and isn't, it is queued to get its metadata data regenerated, and if it is and shouldn't be, it is removed

the previous bulky similar files metadata regen job from the duplicates page is now removed, and any outstanding scheduled regen will be transferred to the new file maintenance manager on update

client api:

added POST /manage_pages/focus_page, which makes the given page the current page in the main gui

added help and unit tests for this new call

client api is now version 9

the rest:

fixed an issue recording media viewtimes when no max viewtime is set

fixed the new missingdirectory errors not printing the missing path

fixed an issue with some human-started repository actions waiting silently on bandwidth when it was not intended (e.g. account refresh)

export folders now raise proper errors and pause themselves if their path is not set, does not exist on the file system, or is not a directory (previously, they silently stopped work without error)

cleaned up some misc import folder code, and put in additional protections to the delete/move code to ensure folders cannot be so actioned if they somehow end up in the path import queue

when unpinning a file or directory from ipfs, the clientside service now first checks that the current daemon considers it pinned (previously, this 500 errored when the object was not pinned due to a reinitialised daemon etc...)

fixed an issue with the new ipfs path translation control, which was forgetting values when the clientside path was outside of the default db structure

media objects that transition from trashed to physically deleted but remain in view will now correctly be aware of their complete previously-deleted status (rather than being simply remote, as they were before until a client restart)

improved some of the recent duplicates db update code to pre-optimise the new tables on update (some users were getting slow behaviour due to mis-scheduled analysis maintenance)

extended the new panel system to deal with custom button panels and moved the duplicate filter 'commit and continue?' dialog to the new panel system

moved the archive/delete and duplicate filter 'commit and finish' dialog to the new panel system

wrote a new question panel for the typical yes/no dialog used across the program and started a cleanup job to migrate all 140-odd instances of this over

fixed an issue where a program instance that quit due to a user deciding to leave an already running instance in place would clear the original instance's 'running' file in its shutdown, meaning subsequent runs would charge ahead and hit 'database is locked' problems on db init!

wrote a new 'similar files metadata generation report mode' to provide debug info on this cpu/gpu intensive routine

added 'why use sqlite?' entry to the help faq, with a link to prkc's excellent document about the subject, https://gitgud.io/prkc/hydrus-why-sqlite/blob/master/README.md

also added prkc's excellent Linux package requirements information to the 'running from source' help page

fixed some old py 2.7 references in running from source help and an old link in ipfs help

moved the 'file viewing statistics' menu down on the database menu

fixed some dialog Escape key event handling

fixed some ui ancestory testing code

improved some misc similar files system code

next week

Next week is a cleanup week. I'd like to just do some boring rewrites and ui code updates, and I'll see if I can hack away at the last duplicates overhaul jobs.

#release

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