#thinking of making an AU for Cor that involves someone that is so fucking awful

[one-winged-dreams]

Do you y'all ever have a character that you wouldn't at all be interested in f/oing (but admittedly are kinda like 'would at least once' about) that you sprinkle in some romantic tension with to make your ship with your f/o a little more dramatic?

[bramblepeltao3]

Hey why am I still doing this?? This has become my ‘just for fun’ little thing I go to when I’ve finished doing all the other writing stuff! And it’s become just stupid fun for me.

So then, on to more Prince Prompto AU of my AU fic specifically!

Prompto felt his heartbeat quicken. They were here. Facing the Lucian royal family. He, as the Prince, stood at the front of the procession. He knew what he was supposed to do. He practiced several times on the train ride over, and he got it perfect a couple of times. He could do this.

Prompto bowed slightly towards King Regis and Prince Noctis. “The Empire of Niflheim thanks you for your hospitality. We hope that with this extension of good will, we can forge a future of peace and prosperity between our nations.” Nailed it. Prompto stood back up, perhaps a bit too quickly, and saw a look of humor on Noctis’ face.

….did he mess up? Did he say something wrong and sound stupid? Was his shirt on inside out?!

Prince Noctis took a few steps forward, closing the distance between them.

“Nice to finally meet you.” He said, extending his hand. 

Prompto felt his face flush. This was...less than formal. Not as he was coached to expect. He offered his hand as well, and Noctis quickly took it with a crooked smile. There was applause from behind, the crowd of Insomnians who had come to see the display were cheering but they sounded so very far away. It felt like it was just them. Prince Noctis and himself.

He didn’t deserve to be here. His ears began to pound with the sound of his pulse. The King was saying something, Prompto couldn’t hear it. His throat suddenly felt very dry and he wanted nothing more than to reach out to Doctor Del and ask for help. Make the dizziness and nausea and hotness on his cheeks go away.

“See you at the party, then.” Prince Noctis said with a wave, turning and following his father back into the palace.

“Good job, Shortcake.” Aranea was then at his side.

Oh. It was over. He did it? He turned to see the others, hoping for further validation of his success.

Loqi was standing at attention, no sign of approval or disappointment on his face. And Del was...angry?

“No one said anything about a party.” She sneered.

“Awe, what’s wrong lemon tart, didn’t bring a ball gown?”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m sure a doctor isn’t important enough to be in attendance.”

“Not a doctor, perhaps.” Loqi said, in a very strange way.

“I’d really like it if we could all be there!” Prompto found himself saying out loud by accident. It was true. He needed everyone he could get to stay by his side. “I mean, I bet the dinner will be really good. I’d hate for anyone to miss it.”

Del’s face softened with a smile. “Of course we’ll all be there, Prompto.”

“Guess we’re going dress shopping then.” Aranea shrugged. “You boys are lucky, you can get away with your military and royal regalia. Us girls tend to be held to a higher standard.”

“Yeah, I’m not-”

“Hey you, you look like someone who knows things.” Aranea pointed at a young, well dressed man. “Where can a girl get a party dress around here?”

Prompto’s mind was flooded with his crash course in etiquette and felt himself jumping into damage control.

“My apologies for my shield, Sir.”

The young man smiled, pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and nodded. “Ignis Scientia, royal advisor to Prince Noctis. No need for apologies, your grace.” Prompto felt his throat close up. How many ways could they possibly mess this up before they were all kicked out in shame?

Ignis turned to Aranea and Del. “If you’re looking for a gown for this evening’s event, I know the perfect establishment of tailors who are more than capable. Allow me to call you a car.”

“Commodore, Doctor, I will happily esco-”

“No way, Loqi.” Del frowned.

“Yeah, you’re not going anywhere. You need to stay here with the Prince and make sure he doesn’t trip on his shoelaces or something.” Aranea emphasized her point with a harsh stab of her finger to Loqi’s head.

“But...these boots don’t even have laces…” Prompto said, looking down to check just in case.

Ignis hung up his cellular phone and approached their little party once again. “Ladies, I have informed your escort where to take you. And should you wish to see any other parts of our lovely city, please feel free. You are in safe hands.”

The advisor bowed to them, then Prompto, and left with a smile.

He seemed nice. Prompto hoped he’d be there this evening as well.

“...why didn’t you yell at him?” Loqi asked. “He addressed you as ladies! Aren’t you-”

“Oh put a sock in it Loqi.” Del rolled her eyes.

“It’s different. Obviously.” Aranea said with a smirk.

A shiny black car pulled around and stopped by the curb.

“Looks like our ride, Doc.” Aranea coiled her arm around Del’s, pulling her towards the vehicle. “You boys be good! Auntie Nea and Auntie Del will be back soon!”

Prompto watched in stunned silence as Aranea dragged his doctor into the back seat of the car, the door shutting behind them. He hoped they’d have fun. They both worked so hard for him, they deserved a break. And pretty dresses.

---

Cor really should have seen this coming, but somehow he was still blindsided. Scientia called asking for a high security escort for two of the Imperial diplomats. Well, it didn’t get more high security than the Marshal. And with the flurry of preparations and excitement, he needed a moment away to refocus. 

An hour to drive a couple of diplomats to some store downtown, wait in the car, and drive them back. Easy.

Easy until he took a look in the rearview mirror and immediately recognized the blonde woman sitting right behind him. She was scowling, exactly like he remembered her.

“Awe come on lemon tart-”

“Quit calling me that!”

“Doctor tart then, listen, I know you’ve never been involved in politics before but if you’re planning on staying by Shortcake’s side it’s time to get used to it.”

“I’m just a doctor.”

“And tonight you’re a doctor in a fancy dress charming all the eligible bachelors Lucis has to offer.” The other woman seemed to take a great deal of pleasure in needling her.

Brave of her, that.

“Speaking of, I’m not seeing a ring on our escort’s finger.” 

Oh she was very brave. And just as much a pain.

“Aranea, leave him alone.”

“What’s your story, Driver? Excited to watch two young women play dress up?”

“ARANEA!”

“We’re here.” Cor said, thanking the Astrals for the small blessing. He was ready to simply sit there quietly, wait for them to finish their shopping, and hope the tinted windows did their job. But then he just had to take one more look into the rearview mirror, and there was that little girl’s face again. Looking scared, just like she did the last time he saw her.

Shit.

Just rip the bandage off, it was going to happen eventually. Best to get it out of the way somewhere far away from the paparazzi.

Cor stepped out of the car and opened the rear door, standing with all the respect he’d show to any important guest of the crown.

Del stood up, looked at the store, and then a tree planted in the middle of the sidewalk, then the sky before looking up at him.

For a moment her face didn’t change. Then realization must have struck, because her eyes went wide. And her brow furrowed. And her shoulders raised up.

“Quit dragging your feet, Doc, the longer you mope the longer this’ll take.” Aranea dragged her away and into the store before she had a chance to start screaming. “Wow your face got red. I mean sure he’s hot, but he’s twice your age. You can do better.”

He followed them in. If nothing else he needed to make sure this place was genuinely secure. There were whispers of citizens not too happy with the possibility of getting chummy with Niflheim. The last thing Reggie needed was an international incident right on the precipice of treaty negotiations.

Cor stood at attention next to the door, watching as young sales people hungry for a commission off the royal account bombarded the two women with measuring tape and color swatches. Del looked like she was in hell. His presence probably wasn’t helping the matter.

Aranea was the first to emerge from the fabric tornado, sporting something barely meeting the dress code as it barely contained fabric. 

“Hey flaunt it while you still got it, right Doc?” She called back to the other changing room as a young man showed her jeweled accessory pieces. “You’re being awfully quiet, you know?” 

“And you’re being awfully obnoxious!” Del screeched, pulling the curtain back. “No I don’t need shapewear, what the fuck is that? I’ll wear whatever shape I have, fuck.” She was wearing a very sensible green gown.

“Awe look at you, Lemon Tart, so modest. So practical. No fun.”

“Yeah I guess you can call what you’ve got going on fun.”

“What do you think, Mr. Driver?” Aranea grabbed Del around the shoulders, pulling her right next to her side so they were both facing him. “Think she’ll be the belle of the ball?”

Del was staring at the floor with a fierce determination.

“No comment? Smart guy.” Aranea chuckled.

Cor moved his gaze over to a tailor sewing glittering embellishments to a bright pink gown. It looked like something meant for a very young girl. Incredibly gaudy. One of the small rubies fell from the dress.

...but it stopped. And moved-

It wasn’t a gem.

“Get down!” He yelled, rushing the two women and forcing them to the ground right as he heard the glass window shatter and two of the sales clerks scream.

“Shit.” Aranea’s eyes darted around, seeming to be searching for the gunman based on the trajectory of the bullet that barely missed them. 

Cor opened the emergency channel on his ear piece. “Coyote on 3rd and Grace Street. I have two ducklings unharmed and a store full of civilians. Requiring backup.” 

“Heard, Red Drake. Backup en route.”

“Ducklings? Really?” The older woman joked, helping him drag the trembling doctor behind a sales counter as another shot went off.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t come up with the system.” That was all Reggie. 

“What’s the plan, Driver? Cause unless our killer is a gold medal sprinter it looks like there’s at least two of them. If we stay here we’re sitting duck- oh, I get it. Funny. Doc you’ve gotta pull yourself together.”

Cor looked down at Del who was folded in on herself, hands grasping through her own hair and trembling.

“Hey, kid.” He said, gripping her shoulder. She looked up at him, terror naked in her eyes. “You’re going to be okay. I’m getting you out of here.”

The irony of his words were not lost on him.

The store manager joined them, removing her jacket and rolling up her sleeves. “There’s an emergency exit through the break room, it leads into the same hallway as the other stores. There’s an elevator too, goes all the way to the roof.” She gestured for them to follow, taking cover behind clothing racks and display cases. 

“Sounds like you’ve done this before.” Cor commented.

She chuckled. “I’ve worked here for decades, since I was a teenage sales clerk, I have seen some shit.”

Cor made a note to make sure she was commended officially for it.

The break room door slammed shut once everyone was safely inside. The manager, who introduced herself as Marigold, got to work moving the table in front of the door.

“What are the chances our killers know about the access hallway?” Cor asked, helping with the barricade.

“It’s there specifically so the clientele don’t have to think about us as people who have lives outside of their consumer needs.” One of the men said. “So unless they work in one of these shops, unlikely.”

“Not like we planned ahead to be here, either.” Aranea offered. “In fact...the only person who would’ve known we were here was that Ignis guy.”

“Scientia? If he had a stake in extending the war he has a funny way of showing it.” No one was closer to the Prince than his advisor, and a war running into Noctis’ reign would bring him nothing but pain. “More likely someone’s been following since you arrived and waited for their chance.”

“Shit, this glass is really stuck.” A very young woman cried out, trying to pull a large shard from her arm.

Del immediately snapped out of her panic and rushed over to her. “Please tell me there’s a first aid kit in here.” She took the woman’s arm, shooing her hand away from pulling at the glass. 

“Just one, and it’s very old…” The male sales clerk got the white box from a cabinet and handed it to her.

“As long as there’s tweezers and gauze, I’m good.”

“Oh wow, you’re actually a doctor.” Marigold laughed. 

“I’m going to check the hallway, make sure no one’s waiting for us.” Cor reached into Reggie’s armiger, choosing a pistol in place of his blade. He opened the door.

“Cor!” Del yelled, gripping a bandage to the girl’s arm. Her green dress was covered in blood stains that most assuredly would never come out. “Don’t you-”

“I’m coming back, Del.” He said flatly. Maybe don’t run off anywhere this time.

The hallway was well lit with hard flooring. After several minutes of no shadows or footsteps, Cor was satisfied.

He turned his ear piece on. “Status update.” He whispered.

“One coyote down, two confirmed on the run.”

“Can we get an evac on the roof?”

“Negative, Red Drake, too many rocks in the pond, stay put until cleared.”

The door behind him creaked open, Aranea slipping through.

“Not sounding like good news there, Driver.”

“Listen, I have two ducklings and four civilians that need to get to safety. Send an eagle to the roof of the Statler building for immediate evac. That’s an order.” Cor switched off the receiver.

Aranea’s face fell into a look of suspicion. “Funny, on our way in I could have sworn I saw the word Nelson.”

“You did. It’s a decoy.” He tapped his earpiece. “If I’m right, our assassins are tapping our communications. They’ll think we transferred to the building next door and wait for us there. In the meantime, we’re taking the elevator to the fifth floor. There’s a walkway connection to the fine arts center. From there we make our way to the auditorium.”

“Oh? And then what?”

Cor smirked. “Dress rehearsal.”

---

Somehow, some way, the piece of absolute stupid idiot garbage got them out. And thank the Gods too, because Del wasn’t sure how to say the girl needed a hospital. The bandage was only doing so much and it wouldn’t be long before her wound bled through.

Cor flashed his fancy badge, got them into the costume room, and for the second time that day Del was forced to play dress up. This time with hats and wigs! Fun!

She was fuming. Having to rely on him again...after what he did? And he had the absolute balls to say “I’m coming back.” Like?! 

Fuck him. He was an even bigger dickhead than she’d remembered. And she remembered everything so that was a hell of a feat.

“Oh, a shame. This was my personal pride of the season.” Marigold sighed, holding the ruined green dress.

“Send the bill to the Citadel, I’ll make sure you’re taken care of. Think there’s anything you can lend out for a royal ball in six hours?” The asshole moron asked.

“Seriously?!” Del screeched after finishing getting into a weirdly form fitting newsboy costume. “Some fuckos just tried to put a bullet in our heads and you expect us to go mingle with canapes like nothing happened?”

“What did I say, Doctor Tart? Politics. Get used to it.” Aranea was somehow completely cool headed in some gaudy bright retro outfit.

“Nothing about this can get out, the last thing we need is any more tremors in this shaky situation.” Fuckhead McGee said.

“Understood. Shame about that armed robbery in our store.” Marigold shrugged her shoulders like it was nothing. 

She looked at her staff who all nodded in agreement.

“Are you all batshit?!” Del screamed. “We’re supposed to act like that wasn’t an assassination attempt on our lives?”

“Delphia, listen to me.” Aranea took her shoulder and turned to face her. “We both want the same thing: to protect Prompto. Anything less than a perfect visit is only going to raise tensions for both sides. Not to mention, Prompto would freak if he knew we were almost killed. So here’s our story: Driver got lost on the way to the boutique. The robbery happened before we arrived, and the guard went overboard in trying to protect us. We’re wearing dresses from the robbed store tonight to show our support and hope for the business to recover.”

“You’ve done this before.” Shithead said.

“I’ve had a lot of free time to read spy thrillers.” Aranea replied coolly.

“I’m sure I have some perfectly exquisite pieces in my personal collection that should fit. Ooh, we could advertise a throwback collection for the fall!” Marigold cheered.

“YOU! YOU...YOU YOU…” Del pointed at Aranea, feeling completely unable to voice any of the thoughts screeching around in her head.

“Del, please calm down, the people responsible will be taken care-”

That was it. She spun around and slapped the Marshal across the face.

“YOU DON’T GET TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!” You lying shitty child abandoning piece of enabling gods damned shit fuck ass bastard!

He seemed unphased by her attack. Aranea though looked like Del had just kicked an innocent puppy into an oncoming train.

“Alright. Get it out.” He said. 

Oh, she was done. Completely fucking done. He just shows up, acts like the big fucking hero, pretends like he didn’t ditch her, and then dictates the terms of her emotional breakdown?!

Fuck.

This.

“Fuck you.” She said, emphasizing her point with a finger in the air.

Cor nodded. “We’re going to take the front entrance, it leads out to a courtyard. Plenty of trees, bushes, a large pool down the middle, and lots of cover. We make it across the courtyard and we’ll be on a Crownsguard HQ doorstep. I’ll have a better grasp of the situation, and we’ll figure it out from there.”

The nerve. The fucking nerve.

“Come on Newsie, Prompto needs you.” Aranea took her by the arm.

“Were the accessories really necessary?” Del asked, noticing the fishnet gloves, knee socks, and neon colored plastic jewelry.

“It ties the outfit together.” She replied, pulling her in step at the end of the line. “Now, you wanna tell me why you’re so familiar with the Immortal, or do I have to abandon all the trust we’ve been building up?”

Shit.

Fuck.

“He infiltrated my father’s facility when I was a kid. I was stupid and naive and trusted everything he said. I won’t make that mistake again.”

Aranea seemed to be rolling that answer around. “And you knew he was a Lucian operative?”

“I was six, what do you want from me? Anyway, he lied and bailed on me. Didn’t get anything he was after either so it was a big waste of time for everyone.”

“...hm. Wonder what it was he was after?” Aranea asked, acting like the very much not rhetorical question was one.

Oh, you know, just baby Prompto. Normal shit.

“We’re here. Keep your heads down and ears open. We’re going to be alright.”

Del scoffed quietly.

“Wonder why these guys are targeting us instead of the Prince?” Aranea whispered.

“Opportunity knocked, I guess.” Del shrugged. All this for a shitty dress.

“I’m just saying, Lucian terrorists need to get their priorities in check.”

“You’re sure they’re Lucian?” Del whispered. Aranea’s face broke into a wide smirk.

“Clever girl.”

“You feel it too.”

“This entire mission was doomed from the start.”

“Why else would anyone put Loqi in charge?”

Aranea chuckled in spite of herself, and the sound inspired Del to laugh in turn.

“Oh Gods, we’re so fucked.” Del whispered.

“WATCH IT!”

In a rush of air and movement that blew her hat off, hair tumbling back down, Cor was by her side with his blade unsheathed and held in front of her eyes.

She heard a soft ‘clink’ before he lowered it. Her vision came back into focus in time to see a splatter of blood in the distance.

“Was tha….did you…?”

“Run.” Cor barked, grabbing her around the wrist and pulling her back towards a line of trees.

“Either your Glaive suck at their job, or there’s a lot of people here who want us dead!” Aranea yelled while guiding the shop workers to cover.

“At this point I’m willing to assume both.”  Cor positioned his blade to use as a mirror, checking for any sign of further danger behind them. “Aranea, think you can get them-”

“Way ahead of you, Driver.” From their position, she could easily lead the others behind cover  with only a short sprint left to get them to the station. 

But Cor and Del had a large gap of open space.

“I’m not asking you to trust me.” Cor started, his blade dissipating in a spark of magic.

Oh that was rich, super rich.

“But I need you to do exactly as I say, and you will get back alive.”

“That’s LITERALLY asking me to trust you!” Del hissed between her clenched teeth.

“Right. Well, I have one question. Can you swim?”

Del blinked. “What? No…”

“That’s unfortunate.” Cor tightened his grip on her wrist, and before she could protest he was pulling both of them down, using the momentum to roll over. She was then wrenched back upwards on her feet and pushed backwards, stumbling until she fell. Right off of an edge.

And into the pool.

She wasn’t lying, she really didn’t fucking know how to swim. Everything was dark, she couldn’t tell which way was back up, and she was reaching peak panic until her wrist was once again being pulled. Over, over, until she felt her lungs would burst and then finally, up.

“Take a deep breath.” Cor commanded.

She wanted to screech and curse and slap him again but instead she obeyed and inhaled. He dragged her back down, much further. She didn’t know what else to do. She simply let him pull her on until once more everything in her chest burned and her mind began to spiral and then-

Her head was above water once again, Cor holding her up under her armpit and slowly guiding her out of the pool.

Del wiped her hair from her eyes to see a large number of people in uniforms surrounding them. 

“Marshal, Sir.” A woman in a helmet said. “We’ve done a thorough sweep, land and air. The last identifiable terrorist has been neutralized.”

Del struggled to breathe, feeling like she might just pass out right there sitting on the ledge of the pool.

“Thanks Monica, get our guests a ride back to the Citadel. I’m sure they’d like some time to freshen up before the party.”

Oh.

Oh, Del was going to kill him.

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hello Coon. I hope you’ve been well. I had the most amusing thought, and wanted to share: Do you remember that ATLA episode where they went to watch a play about themselves? In an AU where no one dies or gets thrown off of trains or goes blind... Imagine that in the context of chocobros + Luna, Ravus, Aranea on their way to Zegnautus. - 💚, Amontillado

Dear Amontillado.

This idea alone made me transcend to the ninth heaven. It made my soul detach from my body and ascend to the heavens, it touched the Nirvana, and came back to my body purified and amplified.

This. Goddamn. Genius. Idea.

*SLAMS HANDS ON DESK*

I had to write this. This is one of my most recent asks, but it’s just so genuinely brilliant and gloriously genius, I have this mighty necessity to write it right now aklsjdfklsgj aklsdjsklgj akljalskd ja.

The best part of this is that the main four and Ravus fit SO WELL with some of the ATLA characters, I could write parts of that episode as the script literally goes and it would fit accurately and nicely!!! Hahahahahhaha!!! I hope you’ll find the similarities! ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

Anyway, a few things to note here for things to make sense,

I picture Ignis did go blind at some point but later recovered. Let’s say we’re following some sort of Verse 2 from episode Ignis but with Lunafreya not dying, lmao.

I’ve made Cor be present too like he should have always been.

Regis and Clarus too because I don’t have the heart to kill them.

Because it’s Verse 2, Ravus has been in the party from before rescuing Ignis (who…let’s suppose they rescued somewhere else prior to Zegnautus. For some…reason.)

Luna’s coming along with them, too.

If at some point you’re reading something and think “is that an Aggretsuko reference?” know that yes. It is.

I goddamn shoved some almost-established Gladnis in here because fuck me, I can’t contain myself, they’re just so genuinely canon askljddkgjdaa

Alright.

Now everybody welcome to,

Final Fantasy XV, Episode 17, “The Gralea Players”.

A.K.A. a parody of ATLA’s famous already-parody episode “The Ember Island Players” adapted to our FFXV dorks plus some extra guests.

Enjoy!!

Everything starts at one of Ravus’ personal places in Gralea that he used to hide away or train. He’s training with Noct, trying to teach him how to defend himself against his lightning arm. Everyone is bored or watching or scattered across the little house.

At some point, Prompto comes in running, and as everyone’s greeting him, someone appears after him.

“Aranea?”

“Hey, dorks.”

Long story short, Prommy stumbled upon Aranea while he was out grocery shopping.

“And she has epic news! Tell them, Nea!”

Turns out Aranea found out that the local theatre prepared and will present a play about Noctis’ journey.

“Hah? Me? But we’re in the empire, why would they make a play about me?”

“Nooooooooct! We have to go! They did research across the globe to write the script, and it involves MTs, hunters, mechs, dogs, and a very knowledgeable merchant of Cup Noodles. Say yes, please, please!!”

No one is pretty convinced. They’re in enemy territory and it would be suicide to throw themselves there where people could recognize them.

But Noctis can’t say no to Prompto’s huge puppy eyes.

So in the end everyone ends up going to this play, “The King of Light.”

At least the title isn’t bad or mocking, but they still try to not get their hopes up. Knowing the Nifs, they may have done something offensive, so they’re mentally prepared for that and just curious.

Later that night, everyone of our team goes to the local Nif theatre, and the show starts.

They enter and get seats on the back as to go as unnoticed as possible.

On the front row, Noctis sits, then Prompto next to him, then Ignis.

As Gladio tries to sit next to him, Ravus unknowingly takes that seat.

“…hey. Uhm. I…wanted to sit there.”

Ravus: “(absolutely oblivious, this DORK) Just sit next to me. What’s the big deal?”

“…no, it’s not- I just wanted…okay.”

The curtain raises to show a representation of the throne room of the Citadel, where we can see the actors of king Regis on his throne, and the four chocobros.

“And so, may you part with my blessing to meet your bewedded, Lady Lunafreya.”

“Yes, your Majesty.”

So far so good. Actor Regis gives his speech and bids goodbye to the four young men.

As soon as Actor-Regis is done, Prompto grabs Noctis by the shoulder and shakes him, grinning from ear to ear and pointing at the actors, then himself and Noctis, then back at the actors, in clear excitement.

Noctis can’t help but smile as well, thinking it kind of cool to see an act about themselves.

And then going “downstairs”, actor Prompto clumsily trips and falls over in a comical way.

The audience laughs.

“What?” Prompto whispers. “That never happened!”

“Haha! My fault! I can be a little dumb!” actor Prompto talks with a slightly annoying voice. “Nocto! Help me up?”

“You, useless thing” actor Noctis says while helping him up. “You’re completely useless and not worthy of being in presence of royalty, but I take you along in this journey to fulfill my journey anyway because you’re funny.”

“The only thing I want to fill is my mouth! I’m hungry!”

The audience laughs again, but Noct and Prompto are petrified in their seats. Noctis turns to look at Prompto worriedly. Prompto later on just pouts and sink in his seat, crossing the arms.

“They make me look like an idiotic failed attempt of a joker! I’m better than that.”

Ravus is chuckling under his breath.

“I think he’s got you pegged.”

Prompto swears Ravus is lucky Ignis is sat in between them.

The actors are displayed walking away of the Citadel, where actor Regis catches up with them.

“Oh my god, he’s going to say the thing I told you, Noctis” Regis is whispering in the row behind.

So far, they depict the scene pretty accurately.

“Omg he’s going to say it.”

Then, actor Regis puts a hand on actor Noctis’ shoulder.

“Oh my god, here it comes”

And actor Regis says,

“Don’t fail, my son.”

“What?”

The gang has to turn around to shush Regis because they’re supposed to not call the attention.

Regis is shrinking and cringing in his seat containing all his screaming.

The scenes go on but the gang can’t hear anything but Regis’ whispered complaints.

“I didn’t say that! I didn’t say that! Oh my god, there is a HUGE difference between Walk Tall and Don’t Fail, the context and intention are entirely different, I didn’t tell him to not fail, that implies so much pressure and it’s not support, it’s an order, I just asked him to be brave and to keep the head up, it’s entirely different from Don’t Fail. Don’t fail. He said don’t fail,what sort of awful father is he oh my god.”

They depict Actor Prompto to have ruined the Regalia by spilling soda all over the wheel in an exaggerated comical motion.

“Fantastic, Prompto! Couldn’t you just shove it in your mouth instead of throwing it all over our electronic modern car?” actor Gladio asks in a SUPER AGGRESSIVE and super deep voice.

“I’m sorry! But I guess now you can call this, Fast Food!”

There’s a drum roll and the audience laughs. Prompto just shrinks more in his seat hiding it in his hands and groaning.

The actors are trying to push the cardboard car.

“WHAT ARE YOU LAZY ASSES DOING, KEEP PUSHING, KEEP PUSHING UNTIL YOUR FEET BLEED AND YOUR MUSCLES CRY OUT IN PAIN!” actor Gladio is screeching everything he says. “FLEX. FLEX THOSE MUSCLES. TODAY IS LEG DAY. GET UP AND KEEP PUSHING! FLEX! PROTEIN! GYM!”

Gladio stares unimpressed.

“I certainly don’t yell like that all the time.”

Ravus is chuckling louder than before, almost near a proper laugh.

“That actor’s got you right, Gladiolus. Stop complaining.”

Gladio just growls.

“NOCTIS. WHERE IS YOUR SPIRIT? FLEX! PROTEIN! KEEP PUSHING!”

Actor Noctis is on the ground.

“I’ll do it later, Big Guy. I’m sleeping.”

“Hey, not true” Noctis complains. “I didn’t sleep. I rested a bit, but didn’t sleep.”

“HEY IGNIS. TELL HIM TO GET UP.”

“Your most estimated superior Highness, Noctis Lucis Caelum, son of Regis, son of Mors, 114th of the name of the Lucis, prince of the kingdom of Lucis, heir to the throne” actor Ignis is saying in an overly exaggerated Tenebraean accent and exaggeratedly pompous. “I shall request, with all due respect, you get up from the place you’re attempting to sleep in and do lend a hand to us commoners, for we don’t have the strength to go on without you. My prince. My liege. My protected. My dear brother and friend.”

Ignis stares unimpressed and sort of embarrassed.

“…I certainly am not that pompous or formal. Even less with my friends.”

Ravus is chuckling again.

We see the guys through Hammerhead and Galdin Quay, through the news of the Fall of Insomnia and back to the place from where they see the destruction, etcetera; overall, Prompto is depicted as a damsel in distress, a klutz that’s always giving bad jokes and tripping over, Gladio is a giant brainless gym dude that keeps yelling, Ignis is an overly formal android, and Noctis is always asleep (even mid-battles, and usually being carried around by Ignis).

They go to meet Cor.

Actor Cor is poker-faced. The entire time. He responds mechanically and in monosyllables. When he joins the fight, he moves like a robot.

The actors go to search for the first royal weapon.

Actor Prompto keeps telling jokes and Actor Gladio keeps bullying him.

Actor Cor only reacts when obligatory.

“They make it look like I’m more dead than a corpse” Cor says. No one in the gang says anything.

…only Regis chuckles a bit after a second and this earns him a glare of embarrassment from Cor.

Inside the dungeon, actor Prompto fainted out of fear.

“Hey, I’m not that scaredy!”

Ravus is still chuckling.

When they depict Noctis getting the first royal arm, the paper prop stabs him in the chest; actor Noctis exaggeratedly shrieks out and collapses.

“Oh no! Is he dead?”

“No. He just likes to nap at 1 o’clock.”

The audience laughs, and our gang is entirely unimpressed.

“…you know, it does hurt a bit when that happens. They shouldn’t joke with that”

Actor Monica leads Actor Noct to the infiltration to open the gates with Cor.

Oh no. They remember this part! The part with the tiny annoying brat of an imperial officer. That very short guy that didn’t shut up.

Oh no. Here he comes. One annoying and tiny…

“Well, wELL! IF IT’S ISN’T COR THE IMMORTAL!”

And suddenly, on stage, appears Actor Loqi….

…he’s a GIANT BOULDER OF A MAN.

LIKE, SO BIG AND SO STRONG. GIANT BUILT-UP ARMS AND BACK AND MUSCLES. THE MAN IS ALL BEEF AND STRENGTH.

“So you survived the Citadel! But you won’t survive what I, Loqi the Great Tummelt, have in store for you!”

“Wait a minute. Wasn’t that guy like…shorter and skinnier than me?” Prompto asks.

Cor is laughing.

He’s having so much fun staring at the scene, holy fuck, you should see him laugh and cover his eyes and mouth while watching this.

The actor chocobros are suffering at the hands of actor Loqi, whose cardboard mech keeps smashing them and tossing them around.

“Get away!” actor Cor is yelling. “This is too dangerous for you! Only I, Cor Leonis, the Immortal, Lucian Marshal, am capable of defeating him! This is a fight that belongs to us and only us! My eternal enemy! My personal opponent! My arch-nemesis! Loqi the Great Tummelt!”

Cor is still laughing so much.

“Who the fuck is that, oh my god, I don’t remember him, who spread the rumor that he was my arch-nemesis, wasn’t he like an inch tall, ahahaha!”

Skip to the travel to Lestallum.

Actress Iris phones actor Noctis.

“Oh, my celestial prince! My hero. My beloved Noctis. I am delighted and my heart is so full of hope and light now that I hear your dear voice and I know you’re alright and alive more than only in my heart. I wait for you, my dear heroic prince, in Lestallum. I shall wait for you however long it takes; the wait will be worth, so long it’s about you, my darling.”

“Wow, that actress is making it look like Iris likes me like, like-likes me, haha.”

The whole gang either stares at Noct in disbelief or just sigh because holy fuck, Iris could smack him in the face with a brick that says “I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU” and Noctis still wouldn’t notice, this oblivious absolute DORK.

“I know the potential future princess of Lucis and only sister and dear family of Gladio just called to tell us she survived after many days with no notice of her or anyone…but what about instead of going to meet her we go to see the chocobo ranch?”

Lunafreya chuckles.

“Oh my. They really are depicting you guys as idiotic, stupid, childish immature dorks, you would never do such a thing like changing Iris and all your dear ones to go see chocobos first.”

The main four stay quiet and all try to not share any glance and they all go “uh…yeah, haha, that is…definitely right, we-didn’t do that, this- this play is so silly…”

…but Ravus chuckles again.

Ravus knows.

These dorks really did that, lmao.

There’s more about hunts and going into the dungeon in the waterfall cave and etc. Prompto keeps fainting and shrieking and making awful jokes, Gladio keeps yelling and flexing and stopping at random spots to do push-ups, Ignis keeps doing everything almost as if coreographed and on perfect timing, and Noctis keeps sleeping at random times.

There’s no actor Ardyn; no one but the bros have idea that he’s been the one helping. In the play he’s just the “Mysterious redhair hat guy”.

Redhair guy guides them to Cauthess Disc.

Actor Prompto made the tomb collapse, actor Gladio kept destroying boulders with bare hands and carrying an asleep Noctis through it, and actor Ignis just for some reason kept saying “Indubitably” at everything he heard.

For the Titan fight, they used puppets to depict the bros and the MTs and a person disguised in a Titan Kigurumi. This person ended up stumbling and falling midways through it.

They lost the Regalia and everything was fine and accurate to the story until the actor chocobros stOLE A CAR BECAUSE “THEY CAN’T GO ON THEIR FEET SORRY”.

Regis asked Noctis at least twenty times in the next 10 minutes “you really didn’t do that, right? Did you guys really steal a car? Hey Noct, I believe in you but you can tell me in all trust, okay, no worries if you did steal that car. Did you steal a car? Omg Noctis.”

They went to get Ramuh’s blessing.

In the cave, actor Prompto was kidnapped by a giant Naga, and actor Noctis had to rescue him.

Actor Gladio kept throwing giant prop boulders at the Naga and screaming “PROTEIN” while actor Ignis kept balleting around it for some reason.

“…do you ballet, Ignis?”

Ignis’ silence had been enough of an answer, but after a moment of blushing and embarrassment and staring elsewhere he just went with “…I think it’s recreative and helped greatly with developing my flexibility and my muscle weight and strength.”

“So that’s a yes.”

“Yes. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. I just can’t imagine you in a leotard.”

“And you won’t imagine it, pretty boy, so stop trying.”

That’s Gladio getting a bit jealous over there. He doesn’t want Jerkvus to imagine his Iggy in his precious purple leotard, THAT’S A SIGHT HE’S NOT WORTHY OF >:’(

Actor Noctis saved actor Prompto and carried him in arms bridal style.

“Oh! My hero! I knew you would save me

“Don’t worry, Prompto. Not only did I take you along despite knowing you’re useless because you’re funny, I also took you along because I think you’re cute.”

“O-oh…Noctis-sama…(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)”

“…oh my god they’re making it lo-  no homo, bro, you know that? I mean not that I’d mind but like- no? You know?”

“…yeh.”

They try to infiltrate an imperial base to recover the Regalia, BUT, of COURSE the ALMIGHTY EMPIRE has NO FLAWS and no one can infiltrate there!

THE CHOCOBROS ENDED UP SMASHED AND SHOOED AWAY, LONG LIVE THE EMPIIIIIREEEE!!

The play depicted that the chocobros HAD to use brute force and force a traitor imperial to be able to make it inside.

“Pscht. We did it on our OWN, come on >:(“

Ravus is chuckling.

“Hey, Ravus? Why are you smiling?”

“This is my favorite part.”

No one really knew what he was talking about; what was fun about the guys fighting overpowered imperials and recovering the car?

The actor chocobros recover the car. While talking in there, actor Prompto turns around.

Actor Prompto SHRIEKS OUT IN HYSTERICAL FEAR and then faints.

Actor Ignis has to take him away to protect him. Actor Noctis wakes up.

And so, Actor Ravus comes on in on stage!!!

“…oH MY GOD NO” it’s Gladio finally understanding why Ravus was chuckling and waiting for this. Ravus just laughs darkly again in his seat, satisfied with the Shield’s distress.

He doesn’t even mind that the actor is wearing the SUPER FAKE prosthetic on the wrong arm.

“It has been a very long while, Chosen One. Noctis.”

“Indeed it has, Ravus, Not Chosen.”

Gladio SNORTS and fights a lot with containing a hysterical laugh.

Damn he knows that’s Ravus MOST SORE and fragile spot, so he knows they hit him where it hurts most.

Ravus just frowns and his eyebrow twitches.

Actor Ravus gives a SUPER OMINOUS speech about Noctis not understanding his duty and being unworthy of it. Like SO OMINOUS, it’s worse than Gentiana levels of unintelligibly pompous.

Actor Noctis does complain about him serving the army that’s against Lunafreya.

“I do not serve! I command!”

Actor Ravus SLAPPED THE FUCK OUT OF ACTOR NOCTIS.

Like, no throat grabbing and jerking, HE FUCKING. SLAPPED HIM. LIKE DEAD ON THE FACE.

“Hey, that didn’t happen! That looks more humiliating than what really did happen!”

Ravus is chuckling again.

Actor Gladio gets in the way.

“HEY! NO SLAPPING! YOU SLAP THE TINY DORK, YOU SLAP ME FIRST. IT’S THE AMICITIA WAY! IT’S THE AMICITIA DUTY!” he’s yelling as he’s unnecessarily flexing. “YOU FIGHT HIM ONLY AFTER YOU FIGHT ME!” and then he unnecessarily rips his shirt apart and tosses the pieces to the sides and gets ready to fight.

Clarus chuckles in the row behind them.

“That’s my son.”

“! :D YEH!”

Actor Ravus gets close to him.

“The Shield of the prince. A useless, fragile shield that protects the unworthy and the weaker.”

And, said that, actor Ravus…flicks his forehead.

Actor Ravus. He flicked actor Gladio’s forehead. Flicked it.

And at the touch actor Gladio SHRIEKS OUT AND IS SENT FLYING BACKWARDS AND INTO THE CAR AND PAST IT AND INTO LOTS OF PROPS AND PAST THEM AND INTO THE WALL WHICH HE DESTROYS AND THE WALL COLLAPSES ON HIM, IT’S NUTS.

“…what the FUCK HE BARELY TOUCHED HIM! That’s not- that’s not what happened! Iggy! Iggy, you saw that, right? You know what really happened and it’s nothing similar to this, right!?”

Ignis hesitates.

“…uhm-”

“D: IGNIS!?”

“No! I’m sorry! No, I didn’t mean- what I mean is, it definitely wasn’t like that. You’re right.”

“…yeah…I know…:(“

Ravus snorts and properly laughs under his breath this time.

He has manners enough to contain himself and not burst laughing, but he laughs so much and contains it so much he even has to wipe away some tears of laughter.

“Ah. My favorite part. What a delight. How I wish we could replay that.”

Gladio’s really moody and upset right now, please don’t touch him.

The chocobros have to infiltrate another base, and of course they require of more dirty tricks and brute force to make their way inside.

They follow actor Caligo.

Speaking of which, it’s a young handsome man in his 30’s with Senpai face and a long, silky mane of black hair, giant blue eyes, and a gorgeous voice.

Aranea is cringing in her seat.

Caligo almost defeated them too, by the way. He was IN NO WAY captured or knocked out, he’s an imperial officer, of COURSE he won! The chocobros only won because they summoned a god and everyone knows that’s cheating and doesn’t count.

Actress Aranea comes in!

“FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE, YOU SHALL FALL!”

“What!? Who said that!?”

Actress Aranea comes into the scene….

F L Y I N G

Actress Aranea is tied to one of those ropes to fly and SHE GOES INTO THE SCENE FLYING, THEN SHE FLIES ABOVE THE PUBLIC, THEN BACK, AND SHE KEEPS ATTACKING WHILE RANDOMLY FLYING INTO THE AIR.

Aranea bursts out laughing.

“Ahahahahahah!! I mean, I do jump very high, but that girl is FLYING! Ahahahahah!!”

Aranea is having a LOT of fun.

Mostly because actress Aranea is SLAYING THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHOCOBROS.

Actress Aranea is super skinny and wearing a pair of fake boobs, but Aranea thinks it’s cool.

And by fake boobs I mean. They’re giant. Giganormous. Anime tiddies.

“Why are my boobs so big?”

“I mean, they wrote the script based on what they heard or what people would tell them, so I guess that’s how people described you.”

“Wow, from all the things people had to look at, they remember me for giant boobs?”

“Aw :( I’m so sorry, Aranea. Women shouldn’t be sexualized like thi-”

“Because damn they’re right, I have to admit my boobs are quite nice! You ever touched them, pretty boy?”

“WhA- NO! WHY WOUL- ARANEA MY DAD IS HERE, NO.”

“Hey, mister dad? Your son touched them.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah, and he’s also seen them in flesh and-”

“ARANEA NO WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE LIKE THIS.”

Aranea didn’t talk much because she’s entertained watching the play and actress Aranea fly around like a real dragon slaying the boys.

She’s also flirting with both actors Prompto and Ignis all along the fight.

Actor chocobros end up defeated and knocked out on the ground on a pile.

Actress Aranea stands on top of them, with her heel on actor Noctis’ face.

“I would END YOU RIGHT NOW. But you know what, I won’t.”

“Why?”

“Just because. See you later, guys!”

“…is that really how it happened? You could have ended them and didn’t and then you just. Joined them? Just like that?”

“Of course not! I had an interesting arc and character development, if you must know!”

“…so did you really just leave and then joined them for no reason?”

“…yeah.”

The actor chocobros are taking Iris to Caem.

Actress Iris is a VERY tall and SUPER INCREDIBLY HUNK young lady that keeps flexing and screaming PROTEIN along Gladio, and fist-pumping with him while yelling “AMICITIA! AMICITIA! AMICITIA!” like brute gorillas.

Clarus finds it a cute sight and is proud.

“Wow, look at the actress playing Iris!”

“I’m sure that’s a man.”

“Wow, look at the actor playing Iris! He makes her look all beefy and super strong and super scary!”

There’s a long silence.

“Most accurate thing so far.”

Everyone agrees.

Actor Gladio informs he will momentarily leave the party.

“I HAVE BEEN DISGRACED BY THAT DEFEAT IN THE HANDS OF THE ALMIGHTY RAVUS. I AM UNWORTHY OF BELONGING IN THIS RETINUE AND I MUST GO AWAY TO PUNISH MYSELF WHILE AT THE SAME TIME FINDING SOME GROWTH AND SOMETHING TO PUNCH. I HAVE TO GO AWAY TO SPEND A WHILE AT THE GYM BEFORE COMING BACK. DO YOU FEEL ME, BRO? CAN I LEAVE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LITERAL DUTY TO GO DO PERSONAL STUFF NOW?”

“….ZzZz…Oh? Ah. Yeh. Whatever. Just let me sleep.”

Actor chocobros except actor Gladio get to the ruins in the Vesperpool and they meet actress Aranea again.

“Hey guys! I know I kicked your asses last time but I think I changed my mind, mind if I join you?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?! AFTER ALL YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH, YOU EXPECT US TO LET YOU IN JUST LIKE THAT?! JUUUUUUUST LIKEEEEEEEEE THAAAAAAAT!?!?!?”

“Yes.”

“.___.     Fine.”

“FINE!?”

“Hey, she’s very persuasive.”

(High five to myself for that disney reference *highfive*)

Episode Gladio…. Hasjdjaklf

Actor Gladio spends his time away in the gym and flexing and eating carbs before he goes into a cave to face the Evil Darklord.

(Nobody knows about Gilgamesh, okay, the writers had to make something up).

Cor accompanied him.

“HEY COR. THANK YOU FOR JOINING IN THIS WITH ME.”

“You’re welcome. I’m happy to help in your self-discovery journey, what about we talk about myself?”

“That wasn’t like that.”

Gladio stays quiet and frowning and analyzing it for a bit before he turns.

“…but it was like that, we talked about just you.”

“But that’s because you asked!”

“That’s because you offered it!”

“Wha- no! Why would I talk about myself just like that? You started!”

Basically episode Gladio goes about Cor and Gladio being work-out buddies.

Actor Cor rarely shows any reaction even when he’s being hit in the face.

“Wow…they make it look like I never smile or something…”

Gladio stayed quiet again analyzing everything.

“…but you really didn’t smile.”

Cor didn’t answer.

The actor chocobros go to Altissia, and we get a skip to Lunafreya who receives the news.

“My beloved prince Noctis is coming?” everything is fine. And then- “OH!” then dramatically sobs. “That is…wonderful news! His presence means light. His presence means a savior. His presence…” she sobs and sniffs again, and then she throws herself to her knees, hands to the sky. “His presence…means HOPE! SO MUCH HOPE! Hope for the world!” she sobs louder and throws herself onto the chair. “HOPE FOR EVERYONE!” she lets herself to the floor. “Forgive me if I’m getting too emotional but…this touches my heart and fills it WITH SO MUCH HOPE!”

And so actress Lunafreya burst out into hysterical hyper dramatic tears.

Actor Ravus talks with Actress Lunafreya.

“Lunafr-”

Actress Lunafreya bursts into hysterical tears.

“I can’t go on, brother! The hope! It’s dying and I can’t revive it! I’ve tried for so long to keep it alive, but it’s too much for me anymore! I’m not strong enough! Oh, the hope! You have to carry on with my duty for me, brother; let Noctis know that I love him and that I…I have HOPE IN HIM”

Actress Luna continued crying.

Luna chuckles a bit, but also hides a little behind a hand out of embarrassment.

“Sure I’m not that dramatic…”

Nobody answered.

Skip to the summit with Camelia.

Actress Camelia is far overweight and wearing far too much make-up, almost like a clown.

“You are aware, mister prince Noctis, that Accordo has been under the orders of the empire and loyally serving it for over a hundred years.”

“Yes.”

“As servants to the empire, we’re supposed to do as they tell us; Niflheim does but look for the good of the people. Waking Leviathan will cost the lives of half Accordo and bring destruction to the world.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s DO IT.”

Noctis is groaning in his seat while actress Camelia goes about some fake speech of how she’s betraying “the good guys” for money and etc.

“If only it had really been that easy…”

Skip to Noctis chasing after Leviathan. The imperials are depicted as the good guys that try to stop the destruction by killing Leviathan, and Noctis somehow ends up riding her and laughing like a maniac while guiding Leviathan into destroying half Accordo.

It’s beautiful and bizzarre.

Skip to episode Ignis.

Ignis is ballet-ing his way through Altissia.

He actually looks pretty badass with those pirouettes slaying MTs as he goes, look at that fine young gentleman.

Soon enough he’s joined by Ravus.

“I will destroy you, Ignis Scientia!”

Actor Caligo appears.

“I think your hair is weird!” he says to Ravus.

Actor Ravus looks at Ignis again.

“Never mind that, now I’ll join you, Ignis Scientia!”

Both kill Caligo.

Noctis: “What the fuck was that.”

Ravus: “That didn’t happen.”

Actor Ignis and Ravus slay some MTs before they stop and the atmosphere suddenly gets warm and in dim reddish lights like in a damn burdel.

Suddenly, both get a bit too close to each other.

“Oh, Ravus. I had never seen you from this close before” actor Ignis touches his lips and looks up at him. “I think you’re very attractive.”

Gladio, from his seat, flinches and goes “What?”

Actor Ravus gets some steps away.

“What? We can’t do this. We’re on enemy teams. My heart proudly belongs to the empire” (Ravus ‘pscht’s from his seat) “and rumors have it you’re already dating the Shield of the prince!”

“Gladiolus?” actor Ignis asks, and then he chuckles with some sarcasm. “Oh, Ravus. Don’t be ridiculous. I love him like a brother and just that!”

Gladio was frowning; now his expression just softens in some sort of insecurity, and he’s very attentive on the play.

“So then…you’re single?” actor Ravus asks him, and then he goes back to break the distance between them, and he hugs him with an arm, pulling him close to himself. “Ignis. The man with the beautiful eyes. I will now betray the empire and will swear loyalty to the king of Lucis and help him in his journey…for you.”

“Oh, Ravus…”

“Ignis…”

Both actors proceed to embrace each other and then they kiss.

And they go on.

And on and on.

Actor Ravus may have grabbed actor Ignis by the butt.

The play may have implied that these two slept together during the events of Altissia.

Ravus and Ignis are staring eye-widened and in shock, then they subtly look at each other, then finding the other staring, both look away in absolute embarrassment and burning red in the faces.

Gladio’s really, really upset.

The worst part is that he feels insecure, not jealous, which I think is worse.

Actor Ravus betrayed actor Ignis again and that’s how Ignis ended up kidnapped in imperial hands; then actor Ravus betrays the empire again and joins the actor chocobros to go rescue Ignis.

“I betrayed just ONCE and it was for good. They make it look like I don’t have a position in this and just betray every time things go bad for my team.”

The actor chocobros get the help of actress Aranea to go into Nif territory.

Actor chocobros end up in Gralea to rescue Ignis, who they find dead.

Apparently, Ignis died as result of wearing the ring, when trying to open the gates of the city for the chocobros.

“No! Ignis!”

Actor chocobros + actor Ravus cry for him, until actor Noct uses his magic ring.

“In the name of the moon! Healing magical power of the kings! Hi-yah!”

“…that’s not how you use the ring.”

Prompto laughs.

“They make you sound like a magical girl, dude.”

While using the ring, actor Noctis asked actor Gladio to hold Ignis for a moment.

When actor Ignis comes back alive, actor Gladio yells out

“IGNIS! YOU LIVE! OH, MY DEAR BROTHER! I WAS WORRIED FOR YOU…LIKE A GOOD BROTHER WOULD BE.”

Gladio just “Pscht”s.

Actor Gladio is pushed aside by actor Ravus, who holds Ignis in an over-dramatic over-romantic way.

“Oh, Ignis…light of my new life, star of my new skies, love of my new life…you live…”

“Ravus. I fought to stay alive…for you.”

“Oh, Ignis!”

“Ravus!”

“Ignis!”

These two incoherently start making-out again in front of everyone as the actor chocobros cheer for them or throw petals on them.

This finishes with Gladio’s patience.

Gladio gets up from his seat and leaves; Prommy asks him if he can bring some gummies when he comes back.

Skip to Lunafreya staying behind somewhere “safe” instead of coming along in the journey like a damsel in distress, she cries because she’s back home in Tenebrae and that gives her so much hope.

She’s questioned about Noctis and if she doesn’t want to stop the rituals despite this wearing her out.

We get a flashback of actress Luna in Tenebrae.

Actor Ravus approaches her.

“Lun-”

“OH RAVUS!” actress Luna is hysterically crying again.

Actress Luna went on in a rant about hope and light, crying all the time. Actor Ravus stayed still and frozen like a statue, frowning.

“Just get over that boy, Lunafreya. You’re way prettier than he deserves.”

“…he didn’t say that, Noc-”

“Yes, I did. In other words, but yes I did.”

Savage, Ravus.

“He’s never going to be worthy!”

“After you were proven unworthy, you say that about everyone!”

“SHUT UP, LUNAFREYA!”

“Why are you yelling at me!?”

Ravus sighs in his seat.

“They make it look like I’m totally stiff and humorless, except from the times I’m with Ignis.”

Ignis chuckles. “Actually, I think that actor’s pretty spot on.”

Ravus: “How can you say that!?”

Actress Lunafreya: “I think Noctis is cute.”

Actor Ravus: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?”

Ignis just laughs.

There’s an intermission where the guys mop and complain about the things that aren’t accurate. Aranea is the only one happy with her character. Noctis tries comforting Prompto about him not being useless, Regis talks with Noctis about sleeping during important fights, etc.

“Have you guys seen Gladio?” Ignis asks after a while.

“He went for snacks ten minutes ago and I’m still waiting, bro!”

Ignis decides to go look for him.

Ravus is moping and Aranea goes see what’s wrong.

“What’s with the long face, tough boy? Not enjoying your character?”

“It’s easy for you to not be upset about this. You get a flying badass super strong heroine, but to me this is just a reminder of all the things I did wrong. From wearing the ring to having joined the empire, and things like failing to protect Ignis in Altissia…which they didn’t only rub in my face again, but also manipulated to make it seem like it was because of me that he got captured. It’s telling me how many mistakes I’ve done in my life and how it’s going nowhere. That I should have believed in Noctis since the beginning.”

“Hm. You sound pathetic, Ravus. You know, I don’t think there’s a time to be correct. It took me years before I left the empire, too, and I don’t mop for what I did in the past. I just try to get my present right for once. You should be doing the same. Besides, your sister is watching. I thought you wanted to make her proud; sitting here and mopping won’t get it. You get up and fight for the good causes now. Okay?”

Ravus smiles at her and thanks her, even when he doesn’t really like being lectured.

A random little kid that was chasing after his friend back into the theatre stops and looks at him. Like really looks; stays a while in there just staring.

“Oooh…your Ravus costume is SUPER COOL! But the fake arm goes on the other side!”

Ravus just blinks in disbelief at the child.

While the kid runs away, Aranea stops Ravus before Ravus gets to grab him by the skull, eyebrow twitching and face entirely unimpressed and soul screaming.

While the guys talk, Ignis finds Gladio at a balcony, grumpy and down in the dumps.

“Hey, Gladio? Is anything the matter?”

“This play is stupid. Everything about it is stupid and I don’t like it. Let’s just go back and get out of here.”

“Calm down, Gladio. I know it’s silly and far unrealistic, but it’s not so that you take it this personally.”

“Gods, I’m just- so angry right now…”

Ignis is quiet and doesn’t know very well what to say. More than angry, Gladio looks plain sad. Ignis tries standing next to him to at least let him know he’s there.

“Did you really mean that, Ignis?”

“What? If you could be a bit more specific…”

“Back in the play. You said- that you love me as just a brother. And I…”

“…Gladio? What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Forget it.”

Ignis stays quiet again and they say nothing for a long while. After the long pause, Gladio clearly tries saying something but seems to not know how, but after some attempts he puts the head slightly down and just lets it out.

“…did you really- kiss Ravus? Back in Altissia, I mean…”

“What?” Ignis is taken completely off-guard. But he laughs a bit. “Of course not. The writers just…took me to make me the romantic arc of the story, with the first person they saw, and built an over-dramatic romance.”

“Right, but why didn’t they take anyone else, then? Why Ravus?”

“I know you’re not exactly friends with him, but it’s not so you overreact, Gladio-”

“I just mean it was me who held you in arms after Noctis healed you! Not him! And it was me who carried you outside and looked after you until today…not him…”

“…Gladio-”

“And it was…I just…thought there was maybe something going on between us. But it’s not, is it? You see me as the actor says, as just a brother. Right?”

“…Gladio, it’s just a play. I think…we could talk about us sometime else, okay? When you’re feeling better…if- you wish.”

Gladio is still down in the dumps, and can’t help it, but he knows Ignis is right about discussing this later, so he just nods.

Gladio does think about leaning in to steal a kiss from him, but he really doesn’t want to ruin it, or make a move that may upset or offend Ignis, so he resists.

Secretly, Ignis thought about holding his hand, maybe even dare to reach and kiss him, knowing it’s going to make Gladdy feel better, because yes, Ignis understands his feelings and they’re reciprocate, but he also really wants the moment of confession to be special, so he doesn’t dare make a move.

These two idiots hngh…just- kiss already AAAAHHHHH

Both head back to the play.

This time, Ignis makes sure to let Gladio sit in the seat next to Ravus, so Ignis is sat only next to Gladio.

Ignis also makes sure to throw hints at him by leaning against him and softly resting a hand on his arm across the rest of the play.

It does help Gladdy to feel better. :’3

The story follows the guys making their way through Gralea.

Ignis back then was healed but not fully and hence still blind, and the play didn’t miss that out.

Actor Ignis is going around SLAYING MTs and being a badass.

“Wow, Ignis, we thought you were blind?”

Actor Prommy is waving a hand in front of his eyes.

Actor Ignis is all smirk and then he goes.“I can see you doing that. I can still see, I see everything you see, except I don’t see like you do. I release a sonic wave from my mouth. Like this.”

Actor Ignis turned to look at the others and SCREAMED VERY  LOUDLY.

Like, SO LOUDLY. It’s a shriek. It’s a screech.

Actor Ignis is screaming so loudly, the chocobros, in the LAST row, all flinched and covered their eyes.

Everyone is staring at actor Ignis in absolute terror.

Actor Ignis is still yelling.

After like a whole minute he shuts up.

“There. I got a pretty nice look at you.”

Skip to Nox Fleuret sblings meeting again.

“Lu-”

“I KNOW WHAT MY DUTY IS!!! I KNOW WHAT IT’S DOING TO ME!!! STOP BEING SO CRUEL TO ME, BROTHER!!! YOU’RE SPOILING THE HOPE! THE HOPE!!”

Actress Lunafreya went into a long rant and speech about the hope and lost love for the next ten minutes and then bursts into hysterical tears..

Actor Ravus has been still the whole time staring poker-faced.

Actor Ravus, after the heartfelt, emotional speech, turns over his heels and leaves entirely unimpressed.

“Wow, they make it look like Ravus doesn’t care about you, Luna.”

“….yeah. It…definitely didn’t happen like that….”

Ravus is too scared to look at Lunafreya right now.

….he may….or may not….really have walked away unimpressed leaving her speaking alone….

The play doesn’t offer much other than what Cor is supposed to be doing and the guys making their way through Gralea.

“Well, we’ve reached the present. Guess that’s it.”

“Wait! There’s more!”

The gang is actually pretty curious about seeing what the play theorizes will happen in a future.

The scenography shows some creepy place.

“It’s in Zegnautus! There’s the imperial keep where the throne chamber is” Aranea informs the chocobros in a whisper.

Suddenly…ACTOR ARDYN COMES IN.

The chocobros all DAMN FREAK OUT AT HIS MENTION LIKE ZOMG THE MAN THAT’S MADE THEIR LIVES IMPOSSIBLE, they’re triggered even if they know it’s just an actor.

Actor Iedolas sits at the throne.

“My emperor!” actor Ardyn says as he bows before the emperor. “The Lucian prince and his friends have finally arrived here, in Zegnautus keep.”

“You’ve done well, Chancellor Izunia. They’re falling right in our hands, and on free will.”

“You were wise at advising we opened the doors for them. Our security is impeccable and they wouldn’t have been able to infiltrate or attack on their own.”

“You are not questioning me like that traitor of Nox Fleuret always did with my commands.”

“That’s because I have no doubts that you know what you’re doing and that you’ll be able to receive our guests as is deserved.”

Actor Prompto died at the hands of a random MT.

Prompto is pale and pretending he’s fine but you can see his soul abandoning his body in anxiety.

Actor Gladio died at the hands of Ravus because Gladio got angry at Noctis and tried to murder him and Ravus tried to save the day.

Actor Ignis died protecting Noctis from a valiant attack by the Chancellor.

Ravus couldn’t handle the loss and killed himself hugged to Ignis.

Noctis took the sword from Ravus and chased after the Chancellor alone.

Noctis arrives to the throne room.

“Emperor Iedolas! My sworn enemy!” Noctis says valiantly while swinging his sword in cool movements and pointing at the emperor. “I demand you give me back the Crystal that is by right mine! Give me back my source of power, you, greedy old man!”

“Greed? You think that what I want is the power that radiates from the Crystal?” the emperor asks him. “You, fool! I’m trying to save the world and the righteous people that live in it! You Lucians have kept the Crystal selfishly for yourselves all this time, not sharing it with anyone. We did steal it, I admit, but it’s for a greater cause! It’s for a bright and peaceful future!”

“Lies! I won’t listen to you! I don’t care about the future of the world, I only care about the future of my kingdom! Give it back!”

“You shall take it from my dead hands only.”

“So, I shall do!”

Suddenly, actor Noctis and actor Iedolas get into a frantic and pretty cool battle.

Someone in backstage is using mirrors and led lights to recreate Noctis’ armiger.

Actor Noctis is also tied by the waist to make some of his warps and big jumps.

“Fire spell! Hi, yah!”

The props are pretty decent, making a smoke bomb explode, or throwing random “snowflakes” when he uses blizzaga, etc.

Actor Noctis jumps around, armiger activated, the royal arms flying around, and Iedolas somehow manages to dodge and move away, and sometimes he counterattacks, it’s a frantic and pretty epic battle.

They reach a point where Actor Noctis stops on a side of the stage and Iedolas in the other. A prop of the Crystal “floats” in the back and in the middle.

Actor Noctis goes

“Oh, powerful Crystal that chose the Lucis two thousand years ago! Crystal that chooses the righteous and the fair, the good and the powerful, I claim your aid and ask you to finish this unworthy traitor of the gods!”

Noctis moves up in his seat, interested, and smiling all full of innocence and hope.

The “Crystal” suddenly starts gleaming.

Prompto shakes Noctis by the shoulders, as excited, and both boys watch happily.

The “Crystal” suddenly envelopes actor Noctis in its light.

The chocobros are all smiles and happiness while watching the moment, and then-

“Wh-what is happening…!? No….nooooo!!!”

Actor Noctis suddenly IS CONSUMED BY BLUE FIRE.

The light that previously surrounded him turns to blue papers that tornado around him, consuming him.

“AAAAAGHHHH!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! What is happening!? Why is the Crystal not giving me its power!? Why is it BURNING ME!?”

Suddenly, the previous lights go to cover and circle around actor Iedolas, who spreads the arms and looks up as if in divine realization.

While actor Noctis burns, actor Iedolas goes to give a speech.

“The Crystal…it has given me its approval!! I have been chosen as worthy!”

Actor Iedolas turns to look at actor Noctis and throws the arms of armiger at him, while actor Noctis still “burns”.

“The Lucis may have been worthy two thousand years ago…but not anymore! Their time has ended, their kingdom has fallen! They let their ego grow too much believing themselves superior only for being the safekeepers of the Crystal…but not anymore! The times change, and so does the choice of the gods, and this time, we have been chosen! We, Niflheim, are the new and righteous chosen of the Crystal, new warriors and safekeepers of it, we have been given the power that belongs to us, the superior race! And as the first emperor of the Crystal era, I have been chosen to eradicate the past, and finish the traitors of the gods, the Lucis Caelum! Your line ends here!”

“Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”

There’s a whole show of lights and FIRE that comes out of nowhere and the endless armiger and dramatic music.

Actor Noctis ends up consumed and dead. The actor subtly-but-failed crawled out of the stage while actor Iedolas took the spotlight again and cheered for Niflheim.

Suddenly, the WHOLE audience goes HYSTERICAL and they break into loud clapping and cheering.

It’s a MESS of noise and “Yes!” and whistling, it’s chaos of joy in the theatre.

Except in the section where the good guys sit.

They’re all frozen and stare eye-widened at the stage.

Then, everyone simultaneously and in dead silence turns to look at Noctis.

Noctis is sat there, arms-crossed as he last was, eye wide, and face pale, and he’s whole frozen.

They spent like that like a whole minute before Noctis realizes he’s been observed.

“…I….hadn’t thought of that possibility….”

Long story short, our gang ends up exiting and leaving for their current hideout, all trying to make of this a not big deal.

“Eh, it’s not even a good script.”

“Yeah, it’s full of holes.”

“I didn’t even like it that much anyway.”

“You’re right. Absolutely pointless.”

And they never watched that play again.

*music*

*ending screen*

*credits roll*