#thinking about it might do it might pull the trigger piglet but I need to know that it's actually doable

[adxmanial]

thinking of making art my full time job and getting overwhelmed

[ciaran]

ok ok ok i told myself i was gonna write this so im going to write it even htough its not going to make any sense and i am not actually doing anything and everything sucks. but we live in a shitsuck world so i am gonna write my dumb little thoughts down.

mo du spoilers ahead and discussions of triggering topics

anyway so. the thing abt the last book of mo du which is a v recognisable thing to happen and i Get It as an author like i truly do despite the longest thing ive ever written having been 50k of unhinged word vomit about feeling profoundly isolated from reality. i am the shit king of things that are too complicated and simple and that make no sense and plot is not my strong point as an author and i could not have done better. but i truly believed that priest could. anyway the thing that happened is that the last book was just not good lmao and it was not good for a few very particular reasons that were EASILY rectified by having a team of good alpha readers who are willing to slap you over the head and tell you to make a damn decision.

the thing is that before that mo du IS good and my idea for what should have happened in the last arc WAS SET UP BY THE NARRATIVE! i was not an idiot for thinking that that was what would happen! its just that she refused to go there for two critical reasons

she felt like she wouldnt have enough time to resolve this plot point

she didnt want to introduce a new major trauma before the end

she didnt trust her characters to get through it

she had set up a moral system in which once u commit murder u are irretrievable from The Abyss (as proven by that one dead cop's daughter idr her name but she killed a cop by accident)

that's more than 2 but i am a lit crit bitch not a numbers bitch. moving on.

she WOULD have had time to resolve this plot point if she had simplified her plot by a few threads. that cult shit was not necessary. the fact that the mysterious organization had someone within working to bring about its downfall was a great touch that didnt go far enough. there was a parallel between fan siyuan and fei du that was never fully explored and that was a waste of both their characters.

fei du needed to Go Through Something and he just did not. he needed to suffer a major moral injury in order for that arc to work - he needed to kill his father, or be mindbroken by being submerged in the abyss. the abyss needed to affect him. instead he is untouched which is awful. where are The Horrors of finding yourself at home among monsters! where is the Relief of not needing to mask, and wondering if this might just be better, if its not a little joyous to not care about morality and goodness. where is the Fear and the Self-Hate and the moral conflict between wanting to become your worst self and wanting to slip back into a comfortable orbit. where is the CRISIS OF FAITH!

but that's the thing, she didn't trust luo wenzhou to be able to handle fei du like that. she knows lwz can handle fd when he's being like "im gonna atticwife you shixiong" while clearly being a wet bedraggled catboy but she doesnt know if lwz could handle fd while hes laughing maniacally and trying to decide between killing his father, zhou chunliang, and fan siyuan. not that fd can handle a gun's recoil but that's not the relevant part. she didn't know if lwz could see fd at his worst and still love him but he CAN! he's a little crazy too let him find it kinda hot when fd struts around masterminding complicated criminal plots.

i truly think that showdown should have had lwz as a captive audience so fd experiences terrible feelings. OR fd should have actually HAD TO kill his father, no take-backs, no last minute outs. murder that vegetable. pull the fucking PLUG piglet. he should have to live with patricide even if he's never going to be charged with anything. lwz should have to live with loving a guy who was forced to have blood on his hands. let him have nightmares for the rest of his life about the closure he craved for so long.

but this goes back to priest's issue with MORALITY. the morality of the mo du universe is very clearly slanted into people being either GOOD or BAD and once you cross the line you can NEVER COME BACK. there is no complexity offered to the characters and there SHOULD HAVE BEEN! fan siyuan was a horrible person but what if he felt like he didnt have a choice? what if he was just like fei du and HIS lwz died? u cant tell me that fan siyuan wasnt in love w that one guy whose photo he was trying to see in his last moments. show me the beauty under the rot. what if fei du was pushed over the line? could he still be allowed to have some light? could lwz LET HIM? and i truly think lwz can, it's fd who cant let himself have that. but fd needed some confounding factors in his worldview.

call me a whump lover but i love when theres major trauma at the end of a book but it's still slanting to a happy ending. i like a hint of bitterness, a hint of "it will never be okay but at least we have each other." it's good.

anyway when mac and i were talking about this mac also suggested that fd walking into the abyss could have been very effective as a trust fall, a sign that he KNOWS that lwz will come for him and pull him out and not let him get lost in the evilsauce. and i agree w that being hot but i also have a personal preference for fd having a crisis of faith and lwz having a crisis of faith and both of them realizing in the end that they did choose each other and they still have each other

but priest chickened out of Challenging her Characters at the end and that just meant the whole thing rang soooo hollow. big grief. mz priest i will give u one dollar and my heart if u write an alt ending

get rid of that cult shit, get rid of the moral black and whiteness, let fei du sink into hell and kill his dad and be pulled out and dusted off and loved anyway. forgive some of the people who wandered into it without meaning to. let lang qiao and xiao haiyang kiss. The End

[lyssismagical]

Okay so I don't have a prompt from, like, a list? But: either Peter or Harley taking their younger sister trick-or-treating and ending up getting scared by somebody? Idk it's not a great prompt but

I kinda took this prompt on a little adventure but here we are (late as always lmao)

This is also incredibly AU so oops ,,,

*

Harley’s incredibly reluctant when his mom shows him the costumes she picked out for them. He would do pretty much anything for his siblings, but this was a little over the top.

Apparently, Abbie had begged to do a group costume this year, and they’d decided on Winnie the Pooh.

Jonah, the second youngest of the Keener’s at three, got to be Winnie the Pooh, and Harley would be lying if he said he wasn’t the cutest little kid on the planet.

Dayton’s seven and he chose Tigger.

Piglet went to Aspen, the middle child at 10 years old.

Abbie claimed Eeyore before Harley could.

Leaving Harley as Kanga, and the baby of the family, Bentley, as Roo.

It’s embarrassing, walking around his hometown dressed as Kangaroo with his baby sister in his pouch, the train of Keener’s following along behind him.

The anxiety is a lot higher than the shame, though. With five children to look after singlehandedly, Harley feels like he’s going to lose his mind, counting them every few minutes to make sure they haven’t lose anybody.

Rose Hill’s generally a pretty safe town. It’s small enough that everyone knows everyone. If any of these people saw one of the Keeners in danger, they’d be sure to stop it. Harley trusts the people in the town.

But Rose Hill’s also a popular trick or treating spot. Everyone in neighboring towns come to theirs because nearly every house will have candy or chocolate available. They always go all out. So there’s a lot of strangers about.

“C’mon! It’s Tay’s house!” Aspen shouts, racing ahead, hand linked with Dayton’s. “She said she’d have special treats for us!”

“Aspen!” Harley chastises with no results. Abbie shakes her head, holding onto Jonah’s hand. The pair system generally works alright but leaving the two middle kids together doesn’t work out quite as well as Harley was hoping for. He tries to pick up the pace to catch up, but Bentley is proving to be a difficult addition to their team.

He loses sight of Aspen suddenly, lost to the groups of people on the streets. He grabs Jonah from Abbie. “Go catch up to the others and then wait at Tay’s until I get to you.”

Abbie jogs off, bag of candy tossed over her shoulder. Jonah whines pitifully at being left behind and Harley’s forced to lift him into his arms to soothe him.

Now saddled with two kids and three bags of candy, Harley struggles to keep his cool.

“Help!”

Harley turns, fear chilling him to his very bones. It could be one of his kids, voice high and scared.

But when he sees the source of the voice, it’s a girl he doesn’t recognize, probably eight or nine years old, eyes wide and a deep shade of brown.

“Everythin’ okay?” Harley asks, shifting Jonah’s weight to lean down to her height.

She shakes her head, mouth settling into a pout. “I can’t find my brother.”

“Alright, honey, I’ll help you out. Can I guess he’s dressed as Peter Pan?”

The girl nods. She’s dressed as Tinkerbell, a little green dress and wings and the iconic green shoes with white balls on the ends. “I got scared but I can’t find him anymore.”

“Okay, well, I’m Harley and this is Jonah and Bentley. What’s your name?”

“Morgan. And my brother is Peter.”

Bentley babbles wordlessly from Harley’s kangaroo pouch and Jonah’s fist curls into Harley’s hair.

“Where did you see him last?” Harley asks. He can’t help looking over his shoulder, still worried about Abbie, Aspen, and Dayton. “Do you remember?”

She nods. “I’m not allowed to tell you. It’s a secret.”

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s happening.”

She leans in closer, eyes so wide and earnest, voice dropping into a stage-whisper. “He’s Spider-Man. He saw someone who needed help and he told me to stay put but I got scared.”

“Spider-Man? I thought he was Peter Pan?”

“No, he’s Spider-Man, for real. My daddy is Iron Man.” Morgan rolls her eyes like Harley’s silly for thinking otherwise.

Instead of continuing to argue, Harley just accepts this and moves on. “Alright, well now that you’ve told me that, we can retrace your steps and find your brother, yeah?”

She nods, lighting up in a smile.

“First,” Harley says, unable to stop the constant waves of fear, “Let’s go grab my other siblings, yeah? And then you can lead the way.”

She grabs onto Harley’s tail, keeping herself attached as he leads the way, not having a hand available for her.

They get to Tay’s driveway, waving the three kids over.

“What’s up?” Abbie asks, frowning at Morgan. “I know there’s a lot of Keener kids to remember, but I think I would recognize this one.”

“She can’t find her brother, so we’re going to help out.”

Dayton frowns, shaking his bag of candy. “But there’s still a lot of houses to hit.”

“We can go later. First, we’re helping Morgan.”

He shifts Jonah again, weighed down by everything. Bentley babbles some more. Morgan looks like she might cry if Harley doesn’t find her brother soon. Dayton and Aspen look a few seconds away from throwing twin tantrums.

“Alright,” Harley says, taking a deep breath. “Abbie, keep Dayton and Aspen together and following. No running off this time. Morgan, you’re leading the way. You can all have one piece of candy before we go.”

He gets a lollipop for both kids and one for Morgan too, at least it’ll keep them occupied for a little bit. And then he makes sure everyone’s good before they start off again, following Morgan’s lead.

At the very least, she seems to know where she’s going, but she seems nervous, glancing over her shoulder every few seconds to make sure Harley’s still there.

Harley feels like he might cry, shoulders aching and back throbbing in pain as Jonah falls asleep against his shoulder and Bentley squirms against his stomach. And at one point, Dayton starts complaining about his feet hurting, so Harley passes off his bag of candy to Abbie, and lifts Dayton up onto his shoulders, making sure he doesn’t accidentally hurt Jonah.

“I was standing right here,” Morgan finally says, eyes sparkling. “Peter went down that road and left me here.”

Harley nods, looking around. “Did he say he’d come back to meet you here?”

She nods.

“Alright, I guess, let’s wait and see if he shows up. He’ll know you’re waiting here for him. In the meantime, Abbie…”

Abbie nods, already understanding what he’s asking of her. She puts the candy bags down. “I’ve got my phone on me and I’ll just check down this road. I’ll be twenty minutes max.”

“Be safe please. Mom would kill me if I lost you.”

She takes off and Aspen sits down against the brick wall with Morgan. Harley doesn’t want to wake up Jonah and he can’t get Dayton down without Abbie’s help so he just leans against the brick wall and hopes it won’t take long or else his shoulders will fall off.

And then, as though the universe is out to get him, Bentley starts crying.

He can’t hold Bentley, his only ability is to try to soothe her with words.

Morgan’s eyes go wide, like she might cry too. And Harley doesn’t think she could deal with that right now.

“Spider-Man’s not going to save you now.”

Harley turns quickly, pushing himself in front of Morgan. This is probably what scared her earlier. “Listen, man, we don’t want any trouble.”

He steps out of the shadows and Bentley cries harder. The man’s holding a gun, pointing it right at Harley.

“Spider-Man hurt my business. He ruined my life. I just want the girl.”

Harley quickly slides Jonah onto the ground, leaving him with Aspen, and with his hands free, he can pull Dayton onto the ground as well.

Abbie rounds the corner and she freezes, staring at them. “What- Harley?”

“Abbie, take Bentley,” Harley orders, keeping his hands lifted and eyes on the man. “We don’t want any trouble, okay?”

As soon as Bentley’s safe, Harley takes another step forward, putting as much space between the kids and the man as possible.

Behind him, not only is Bentley crying, but it sounds like Jonah, Morgan, and Aspen are as well.

“If you don’t move, I’ll kill you too.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you get at any of them. I can’t. Just put down the gun and we won’t have any problems, alright?”

The gunman flicks off the trigger and Abbie shouts wordlessly, sitting against the brick wall, holding all the kids with her.

Harley keeps his hands raised in surrender. “Please, don’t do this. They’re just kids.”

“Move or I shoot.”

Harley’s hands are shaking, fear running his blood cold. But he doesn’t move.

And then, swinging down from a nearby rooftop, is Peter Pan.

Peter Pan knocks the man to the side, hat barely staying on his head, and webs the gun to the bricks, too high for anyone to grab. The man doesn’t have much fight left to give, and Peter Pan webs him to the ground pretty quickly.

As soon as he does, he spins around, eyes darting until he sees Morgan.

“Oh thank fuck,” he breathes, racing over and lifting Morgan into a tight hug. “You’re okay. You were gone and I was thinking the worst. Christ, I was so scared. Don’t do that to me.”

Harley turns, falling to his knees and immediately checking to make sure everything’s alright.

“Is everyone okay? Nobody’s hurt?”

Abbie shakes her head. “We’re okay. Don’t fucking do that, though. You’re so stupid.”

Harley takes Bentley back, hugging her and pressing a kiss to her forehead in an attempt to soothe her. He gets out some more candy for Dayton and Aspen, hoping it’ll be enough to keep them calm.

“Hey, Morgan said you saved her.”

Harley looks up at Peter Pan. “I’ve got five younger siblings. I know what it’s like.”

“This is different. You could’ve let him take her to save yourself and your siblings, but you didn’t. You protected her.”

“It’s not a big deal. You saved me from getting shot, so we’re even.” Harley shrugs, offering a little smile. “Do you live around here?”

Morgan shakes her head. “We drove super long to get here.”

“Not super long, just a bit. We live nearby. Her parents needed to get out of the spotlight and this is what they came up with.”

“Come on then, I live just a few blocks from here-”

Aspen frowns, voice going high and whiny. “We’re not going to keep trick or treating?”

“You really want to-”

“Please!” All of them shout, even Morgan.

Harley sighs harshly, but Peter shrugs. “Yeah, alright, we could do a couple more houses, huh, Harley?”

Peter takes Dayton and Morgan, Abbie takes Aspen, and Harley’s left with Jonah and Bentley. Harley introduces Peter to all of them.

It’s so much easier to have another ‘adult’ with him to watch the kids, even if there’s an extra kid to account for. They trick or treat at another three blocks worth of houses before calling it a day and heading back to the Keener Household.

Harley puts Jonah, Bentley, and Dayton to bed. It’s late enough as is, before he sets Abbie, Morgan, and Aspen up to watch a movie.

And then, he takes Peter into the kitchen.

“You hungry? Thirsty? Anything I can do for you?”

Peter laughs, shaking his head. “Take off the Host Hat.”

Harley turns from the fridge and nods before getting distracted. It’s not his fault, really, it’s just that Peter’s wearing tights and a very definingly tight green shirt with a belt cinched around his small waist. He’s got little freckles drawn onto his cheeks and black eyeliner that makes his doe eyes look so pretty.

He probably looks so silly dressed as a kangaroo in comparison.

“I can’t thank you enough for everything you did today, Harley. If it weren’t for you…”

“It’s really not a big deal. We’re even.”

Peter smiles softly. “You’re a really good guy, Harley.”

“You’re a superhero, Peter. There’s no way I could beat that.”

“It’s not a competition.”

Harley takes a step closer. “You make a really good Peter Pan. It fits.”

“What fits? The role or the tights?”

“Both,” Harley smiles, close enough now to cup Peter’s cheek and lift his head up to meet his eyes. “The hat’s cute too.”

Peter grins. “The kangaroo look is adorable, it works for you, believe it or not.”

And then Harley’s kissing him, tugging his body flush to his, and hands tangling into his curls and knocking his hat askew.

It only lasts a few minutes before Abbie’s wolf-whistling from the doorway.

“God, Abbie, buzzkill, much?”

She laughs and shakes her head. “Mom just left for her shift at the hospital. Morgan’s determined on having a sleepover with Aspen so I sent them both up to her room, and I’m heading up to get some homework done. Keep it down, alright?”

“Abbie!”

Peter laughs, hiding his face against Harley’s chest.

“Guess you’re staying the night, huh?” Harley asks as soon as Abbie’s gone. Peter laughs some more before kissing Harley again.

Taglist: @littlemissagrafina  @spidey-reids-2003  @romeoandjulietyouwish @c-artara @shadedrose01 @likeaphoenix13 @misskirkstark @you-get-killed-walk-it-off @kitkatwinchester  @emo-girl10  @hold-our-destiny @imalivebecauseirondad @spiderman-peterman @dykeragee @maryserrao @heeeyitskay @parknerandirondad @lilacsandlilies4 @loveliestdisappointment @joyful-soul-collector @genderfluid-and-confuzled @fallenstar07 @gyurolls @zanderljones {Let me know if you wanna be added or removed} 

[goffilolo]

Revival of Midoriya Izuku chapter 3

It’s been 84 years huh? As always the fanfic is up on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16929483/chapters/52652386

also im aware of like some formatting issues with the fic when it comes to tumblr, so reading it on ao3 might be better if you particularly care about like italics and what not, but otherwise it’s all the same stuff.

“Move your ass Boom Boom Bitch, I wanna get there early!” shouted Izuku, as him and Bandit sat on rather stylish, but uncomfortable couch in the Bakugous’ living room that was probably worth more than both of them put together, which probably wasn’t even that much anyway since they’re both garbage, but it’s about the principle of the thing.

“Shut your mouth you Trash Twink, I’ll get there when I get there! And what the fuck are you doing in my house?” screamed Bakugou all the way from upstairs, although with his voice being as explosive as his quirk he might as well be standing right next to you considering the damage he does to everyone’s eardrums.

Speaking of hearing damage “Katsuki!!! Is that how you talk to our guest you rude brat?! Get over here!” exclaimed Aunt Mitsuki.

“Shut it old hag! Deku’s not a guest, he’s just an annoying cockroach that invites himself wherever he wants and does whatever he wants!” which is a fair point, considering Izuku has invited himself to Bakugou’s first day at UA for less than wholesome reasons. Some people might see it as the ultimate bitch slap to Bakugou’s ego (partially true), but for the most part it’s merely a testament of how far Izuku has come, considering he now only sees UA as a place where he can flirt with Tensei’s hot brother, rather than a means of accomplishing some bullshit dreams... But it’s not like Kacchan knows any of this, so he can fuck off.

If you were to ask Izuku what his deal with Bakugou was, he would reply “Best friends, duh” with enough sarcasm to last you the next ten years. If you were to press for any specifics his reply would be more along the lines of “I dunno, get the fuck out of my apartment” followed by having Trash Bandit sent after you. The bottom line was, his relationship with Bakugou was complicated, as were most thing in Izuku’s life, but that’s not unusual.

Izuku’s presence at the Bakugou household though? That’s quite unusual, yet more likely than you’d think.

And although the screaming match between the two Bakugous was ever so entertaining Izuku had places to be, and guys to seduce, so “Leave it Auntie” he exclaims in a dismissive manner “We don’t want to rile him up too much, otherwise he ain’t gonna get that 30-day chip from the anger management that he’s been gunnin’ for” he adds half-jokingly.

“I know, I know” she says “But you’d think he would act a little nicer by now, after all these months of therapy.”

“Wouldn’t expect miracles if I were you Auntie, you know what the say; Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree ” replies the boy with a shiteating grin as he motions towards Bakugou descending down the stairs, not missing the way Mitsuki flinched ever so slightly at his rather obnoxious comment.

“And to think you used to be such a nice boy yourself, I used to always tell your mother how great it would’ve been if Katsuki was more like you” she says in a mix of bittersweet nostalgia and regret.

“Yeah well, considering the shit I got for being nice , I think from now on I’d rather be a bastard and then some” exclaimed Izuku as he got up from the couch with Bandit in tow and made his way towards Bakugou. The other boy was getting ready to leave as well and his excitement for the day was concealed even more poorly than his mother’s discomfort at the current conversation “Have a good one Auntie!”

And with that, the two teenagers and one (1) sheep were on their way.

“Kacchan please , not everything is about you” said Izuku exasperatedly, hurrying over to the only empty seat on the train.

“Like hell it isn’t! This was supposed to be MY DAY, my first day at the school of my fucking dreams, and you’re trying to ruin it by following me around dressed like a dollar stripper!” replied Bakugou in a whisper-scream. He may have anger issues but he wasn’t a dumbass and the two of them were already drawing enough attention as it was. It wasn’t exactly easy to remain unnoticed on a train while carrying a green sheep; a task which fell on Bakugou, because Izuku was a weak-noodle-arm-bitch.

“First of all, I’m flattered that you think I’m worth a dollar” said the weak-noodle-arm-bitch in question “And second of all, this is my best outfit.” Said best outfit consisted of a worn out tank top that had THE HOES written on it in what once was a glittery pink; a pair of booty shorts with ENEMY OF STATE hand stitched onto the backside and rainbow patterned knee socks. The look was completed with a pair of pink platform crocs, because Izuku had standards ... and because he was short.

“God I hate you” murmured Bakugou.

“Don’t I know it Kacchan?”

The rest of the train ride was spent in silence.

It wasn’t until they actually reached the gates of the school that Bakugou had a thought; one that he probably should’ve had before they even left his house, but having a coherent thought while carrying a sheep and bickering with the sheep’s owner about whether the sheep should be referred to as a dog or not is in all fairness not possible.

“They won’t let you in” he said, voicing the sudden epiphany.

“Sure they will” replied Izuku.

“Oh yeah? How? Deku, you don’t fuckin’ go to this school, you don’t go to ANY school!” shouted Bakugou, because they were no longer on the train, therefore arguing with a lunatic stripper looking guy was now acceptable.

Izuku for the most part did not have a problem with that, because not only did he love having petty fights with people, he also loved proving them wrong, especially when everyone and their grandma accuses him of being a high school drop out.

“Shinjuku Metropolitan would beg to differ” he says, dropping the metaphorical bomb on the unsuspecting dipshit that is his childhood friend, after which he continues to walk, crossing the gates of UA High like he owns the damn place.

After about a minute of Bakugou standing frozen in shock, he finally snapped out of it when Bandit decided to start chewing on his uniform “Oi, hold the fuck up!” screamed the blond as he followed Izuku inside, while the sheep was being dragged along like a betrayed ragdoll  “Did you just say Shinjuku Metropolitan?!”

“Kacchan, you know I can’t hold you, you’re too heavy” replies the other teen, while pointedly ignoring Bakugou’s question and the looks he’s been getting from the students.

“Don’t change the subject shitty Deku! How the fuck did your ass get into a top non-hero high school in the whole damn Tokyo you bitch?”

“What, like it’s hard?”

“I fuckin’ swear to God-”

“Do it! Pull the trigger piglet!”

“WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?”

Their pointless quarrel, which was on a steady way into becoming a straight up brawl (Izuku having already pulled out his axe and lighted a cigarette using one of Bakugou’s warning explosions) came to a stop when they were interrupted by one of UA’s teachers, although in Izuku’s opinion she made a wrong career choice, considering being a Dominatrix probably paid more.

On another note, when someone asks you ‘what’s going on?’ that doesn’t mean they’re actually interested in whatever is happening at the moment, it means ‘stop’, therefore Izuku’s answer to that question, which usually involves something along the lines of “You see, I’m small, horny and full of rage, and I have no outlet for these emotions” is rarely appreciated. That is not to say that the lack of appreciation is going to stop him from spawning whatever dumb shit comes to his mind when faced with the judgement from authority figures. If anything it makes everything worse.

“That’s just how we flirt” replied the teen instead, all the while looking THE Pro-Hero Midnight dead in the eye and putting out his cigarette on Bakugou’s uniform jacket. Bakugou, for the most part was unable to even be mad at the cigarette burn considering he was busy recovering from being metaphorically punched in the kidneys by that line.

“And why aren’t you wearing uniform?” she asks suspiciously, pointing at Izuku’s attire.

“Oh, I don’t go here” he replied casually.

“Then pray tell , why are you in this school?”

“To get laid”

“TO WHAT?!” screamed Bakugou in surprise.

At this point Midnight took out her phone (no, her costume doesn’t have pockets, please don’t ask where she keeps it) and clicked on one of three contacts she keeps on her speed dial.

“Principal Nedzu, we got a situation…”

After telling Bakugou not to worry and that he will see him later in class, Izuku was dragged to the principal’s office by Midnight.

On the way there he tried cracking up another joke, telling her that his safe word was ‘avocado’. She did not appreciate that one either. For those of you wondering what happened to Bandit, the sheep ended up following Bakugou, much to the blond’s dismay.

Now, being sent to a principal’s office, especially of a school that you don’t even attend is usually a sign that you have royally fucked up. Not for Izuku though, because he had a plan! Contrary to the common belief, Izuku is not dumb. The fall didn’t kill off any of his brain cells, only his ability to give a shit, which made life much easier since he no longer had to worry about things like: people’s opinions, social norms, laws and heteronormativity.

Anyway, back to the plan. Izuku was not dumb, therefore even he knew that wandering around UA while not attending the school would not fly. He needed a way to stay, and for that he needed the guy who runs the whole shitshow; Nedzu.

Which is why the moment Midnight opens the door to the office Izuku stomps in like a man on a mission and stops right in front of an animal of questionable origin in a suit that is allegedly UA’s principal. A little unusual, but if a scumbag like Endeavour can hold the title of No. 2 Hero in Japan, then an animal can run a school.

The principal in question was calmly sitting on a couch and drinking tea, totally unconcerned with whatever bullshit Izuku was about to throw at him.

“Now, what seems to be the issue with this young man?” asked Nedzu.

“This young man-” said Izuku, pointing to himself in a rather cocky manner “has a message for you!”

“And what would that message be?”

The principal’s question was answered with what Izuku can only think of as the ultimate power move, or in this case; a literal ace up the sleeve. The boy proceeded to pull out a Monopoly “Get out of Jail” card out of his shorts (since he technically wasn’t wearing any sleeves) and slam it on the table right in front of Nedzu.

While to an outsider the current situation might seem absurd, it is important to remember that Izuku had a plan; one that could’ve never come to a fruition without a little help from the most unexpected person, which is why that card was no ordinary Monopoly card, but a very specific reminder that only Principal Nedzu would know the meaning of, and when he picked it up and flipped it around, the neatly written message on the back made its presence known.

It read: “You owe me one. - Hisashi”

“My dad says ‘Hi!’ ” exclaimed Izuku, taking one look at Nedzu’s face and knowing that he already won.

Was cashing in on a favour that his dad secured like 10 years ago a morally good decision? Debatable, but it got the job done so he’s not gonna complain. All that mattered was that Izuku now had a pass to enter the UA grounds whenever he pleased and nobody could stop him, and so here he was about to enter the classroom where Kacchan is supposed to be in. The bell hasn’t rung yet so he still had some time and who knows, maybe the handsome guy from the police station was in the same class?

With that in mind he opened the gigantic door and made his way into the classroom and was met with what looked like a pissing contest between his crush and his childhood friend.

“REMOVE YOUR FOOT FROM THAT DESK! SUCH AN ACTION IS INSULTING TO THOSE WHO CAME TO UA BEFORE US AS WELL AS THE CRAFTSMEN WHO MADE THIS DESK!”

“LIKE I CARE! WHAT MIDDLE SCHOOL ARE YOU FROM, YOU EXTRA ?!”

Ah yes, pissing contest at its finest, which meant that Izuku had options . The most obvious course of action would be siding up with Tenya and taunting Kacchan, which is not something Izuku would ever say no to. However , it also happens that the object of his affections had a massive boner for rules and authority, which is the exact opposite of everything Izuku stands for, so siding up with Kacchan it is.

And so he made his way to the pair of bickering teenagers and promptly pushed Kacchan’s feet off the desk, earning a scoff from the blond and an approving but baffled look from Iida, which only lasted for about 2 seconds, because Izuku being the gay disaster that he is simply HAD to ruin it all by claiming the desk as his sitting spot and giving Tenya the most ridiculous bedroom eyes that had Kacchan fake gagging like his life depended on it.

“Umm...Izuku, was it?” asked Tenya, feeling awkward under the other boy’s intense gaze.

“It sure was” replied the boy, feeling happy about leaving enough of an impression to be remembered from all those weeks ago “Fancy seeing you here, huh?”

“Indeed-”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Deku!” exclaimed Bakugou, completely fed up with the cringeworthy display in front of him “Just tell four-eyes that you came here because you wanted to see him and be done with it!”

“WHAT?”

“Kacchan, not now! I’m trying to put on some moves!”

“Well your moves are shit-”

“Hey, aren’t you that guy from the news who stabbed a villain in the eye with an axe?!” shouted one of the students while pointing at Izuku. There was something ironic about the fact that it was his stunt on live TV from 2 weeks ago that got everyone’s heads turning and not his iconic outfit, or inappropriate behaviour, or literally anything else about him. Like that’s just rude ok? And interrupting him while he’s trying to flirt? Also rude.

“Bitch, I might be” he replied anyway, because his reputation was on the line and because at this point literally everyone has gathered around the desk that he sat on, so things were way past the point of return. People were throwing questions and accusations at him left and right, Trash Bandit is nowhere to be found and his quil flask is not full enough for this bullshit. At this point Bakugou simply got up from his seat and sat at the back of the room, as far away from this nonsense as possible.

“It’s you!”exclaimed the boy with dual coloured hair and equally mismatched eyes “You’re the guy who keeps T-posing in front of my house. Can you please stop?!” he asked with the most deadpan face Izuku has ever seen despite his voice being filled with desperation.

“Look, I T-pose in front of a lot of houses so you’re gonna have to be more specific” he replied sarcastically — despite knowing exactly who he was talking to — since it probably wasn’t a good moment to mention that you’re besties with that person’s mom because you were both stuck in the same loony bin and so you already know all the family drama and have dedicated a good portion of your time to harassing her abusive piece of shit husband…especially with like 20 people around you.

“You’re the one who egged my limo!” shouted one of the girls at the back. She was a very tall girl with long, dark hair tied in a seemingly gravity defying ponytail and a kind face. She had an air of a distinguished lesbian about her, which Izuku could respect even if she was rich if the limo comment was anything to go by. He egged several limos in his lifetime because seeing rich people out in public makes him go apeshit, as it should, so really how is he supposed to remember everyone?

“And I will egg it again!” promised Izuku “When I see rich people out and about it triggers my fight-or-fuck response”

“Don’t you mean fight-or-flight?” she asked.

“No”

“Are you ok?”

“Not in the slightest”

And with that more people joined in on the conversation, including a particular girl who very much looked like an alien with her bright pink skin and black sclera who ended up complementing his outfit, which thank fuck someone here actually had good taste , as well as a guy who ended up being Ms Shouji’s son, and the only reason he found out was because the guy recognised his antics based on the gossip his mom told him and isn’t that a small fuckin world? And in the middle of it all laid an inconspicuous yellow sleeping bag that has been conveniently ignored by everyone for the sake of the plot up until now.

The sleeping bag began to seemingly unzip by itself and soon enough Bandit’s head poked out of it.

“Bandit! There you are”

“Baaah!”

“Guys! Look at this dog!” exclaimed one of the students who Izuku thought looked like a personification of weed, but he wasn’t going to say that. At least the guy knew what he was talking about.

“I’m pretty certain it’s a sheep-” added Tenya, taking his role as the last standing voice of reason in this room very seriously, even though his voice has practically drowned in the sea of teenagers chanting ‘good doggo’, similarly to how one might feel if they were standing at a dance floor while Baby Got Back started playing.

It’s also important to note that while all of this was happening, Bakugou who has sat himself at the back of the room was forced to witness the chaotic force that is Izuku interacting with multiple people at once while being able to convince about 20 of them to refer to his sheep as a dog, and in that moment he turned around staring into the void and asked himself “Am I having a fuckin stroke?”

“Nah, he’s always like that” replied the one person who was sat at the back along with him that Bakugou previously did not bother to notice.

“And how would you know, you damn extra?” asked Bakugou somewhat offended, because sure him and Izuku were not on the friendliest terms and the whole incident from last year really changed him and what not. But they still knew each other their whole lives, so really that had to count for something and Bakugou was not willing to compromise on that with some random extra who looked like a Tinky Winky humansona on drugs.

Unfortunately Bakugou was not able to get an answer because the entire class was interrupted by a homeless looking guy coming out of the yellow sleeping bag to shame student kind. “If you’re here to socialise, then get out” he said. Soon enough the room was filled with a tense silence as the students were unsure of what to expect next.

“It took 8 seconds for you to quiet down. Time is a precious resource. You lot aren’t very rational, are you?” asked the man as he walked to the front of the classroom, making it very clear that he was in fact their teacher. The man was rather tall and unkept, his hair was long and slightly curled, similar to Izuku’s own and the outfit he wore could only be described as a goth onesie. There was something very familiar about him but Izuku couldn’t quite make out what it was supposed to be.

However, just because Izuku’s memory aligns very closely with a slice of swiss cheese doesn’t mean that the same can be said about the teacher in question. As soon as he turned around to get a good look at his new class his eyes fell on Izuku and his face has swiftly shifted from that of practiced disinterest to shock and recognition that Izuku honestly was not expecting.

“What are you doing here problem child?” asked the man with a certain degree of disbelief in his voice. Once again there was something very familiar about him and the way he addressed Izuku and wait a minute did he just call me a problem child? That can’t be-

“Uncle Shouta” exclaimed the boy in a way that felt uncertain, yet childishly hopeful “Is that you?”

“Of course it is brat, who else would I be?” he replied with a hint of amusement.

[canid-slashclaw]

The Outliers - A Guildwars Love Story

(Contains trigger warnings: alcohol usage, sexual assault)

Chapter 2

Cruel, green eyes gazed deeply into Amalthia's amber-gold orbs as she struggled to break free of her leader's grasp.  The heavy breathing emanating from his nostrils rose and fell as his body shook with a rhythmic guttural, purring sound.   "Go ahead and scream little kitten.  Nobody will hear you.  In fact, nobody will even care."

Rodin Talonrend and Amalthia Rendfoe were the last surviving members of the Rend warband.  During a routine patrol on the Plains of Ashford, Flame Legion snipers ambushed their warband.  Out of the six members, only three made it out alive.  One of the survivors was also severely injured.  

Since Rodin elected to scout on ahead, Amalthia was given the task of tending to her wounded bandmate.  Their brief respite was shattered when a squad of Flame Legion soldiers spotted them.  Amalthia struggled to convey her injured comrade to safety.  But due to her somewhat diminutive size - at least by charr standards - she found the task more of a struggle than she had imagined.  Rodin returned only to see his remaining bandmate about to be shredded by the enemy. With his last gasp of breath, Dorvak Rendfear told Amalthia to leave him and to save herself.  Try as she might, she was unable to heave his heavy body upon her back.  She simply lacked the physical strength to do so.  Although Rodin managed to lay down some covering fire to help Amalthia escape, he never forgave her for her physical weakness and took every opportunity to remind her of that fact.  

"Damn you!  One of these days when you forget to tie me up properly, I will exploit that chance then I'll slice off your vitals with my fungal-infected claws!"

*** Amalthia awoke, her body shaking from the aftereffects of the nightmare.  She breathed heavily in attempt to evaporate the sweat that was pouring off her tongue.   Next time, I will go easy on the mead before downing a whole side of steak, she thought to herself.

"Amalthia!" Came the deep bellowing voice of her sire, Ludrick Crushblow, from downstairs.  "Is everything alright?" "Everything's peachy keen, sire.  Just having a rape fantasy, that's all," she said laconically as she loped on all fours onto the floor then began a series of stretches.  

"What did you just say?"  She could hear his voice echo through her upstairs room.

"The loud boom booms from the wars you fought in must have dampened all four of your ears.  I said that I had a fungal-infected dream, that's all." Ludrick facepalmed knowing full well what she had initially said.  "If everything is good then get down here.  I need some help carrying those beef sides to the chopping block." "I'll be down there in a frizzen flash." Amaltia's father was confined to walking on a cane thanks, in no small part, to an Ebonblade soldier's hammer sundering his right foot some twenty-five years ago.  The wound never fully healed but he managed to do his best to remain independent.  At least that was until Amalthia wound up knocking on the door of his flourishing butcher shop when she told him that she was exiled from her warband.  Since she was his only surviving cub, he simply did not have the heart to turn her away.  

Over the course of the next three years, she became his valuable assistant in running the day-to-day operations of his marketplace.  She helped him expand his shop to include a section that was filled with all sorts of exotic herbs and spices from all over Tyria.  The only things she asked in return was a workbench so she could hone her engineering skills (as she was part of Iron Legion) and a firing range in the back yard.   She helped her father unhook the massive sides of beef as they both laid them out in staggered rows across the thick oak chopping table.  Once the pieces had been arranged, Amalthia lit the boiler then opened the pressure relief valves.  As the pressure began to build, a shrill grinding sound began emanating between the deep grooves in the table.   With the pull of a lever, a massive saw blade rose between the oaken blocks.  Ludrick nodded to his daughter as they began to slide the first slab over the spinning teeth.   "That's twenty sides in five days.  Not a bad haul if I do say so myself," her father said with glee.   "Since the treaty, business has been booming.  Who would have thought we would be supplying both charr and human? Oh the irony of peace," Amalthia chuckled as she helped her father pull along the next side into the blade.   "Peace? It's just damn good business, that's all.  Even before the treaty, everyone could see that things were winding down.   That's why I set up shop in Triskell Quay.  People here are a little more tolerant of our kind, plus we still have the ports to ship our products to all regions of Kryta and Ascelon." "I still keep wondering if any of the humans around here have caught onto our little not-so-tightly-kept secret.  I mean this place ships five-times as much meat products in one-third the time.  And how did we lose Ascelon, again?" Amalthia quipped. "Um, Foefire."  Ludrick laughed.   His daughter chuckled as she began quartering a flank into smaller portions using the saw. "Magic and religion are crutches for idiots.  Acetylene and alloy brings home the gold any day of the week." Both father and daughter then hurled the severed chunks into various sized bins each according to cut and quality.  Amalthia swapped out the large-toothed saw blade for a fine-toothed one then proceeded to make the various bone-in cuts of meat.   "Heh!  Your dam would probably get a kick out of you saying that.  Hell, she might even crack a smile for once." "Her face would shatter into a thousand tiny bits if it did.  I don't think that bitch has a happy bone in her body." "Amalthia!  You should not speak about your mother, I mean dam, like that!"  Ludrick chided. "Human vernacular has started to rub off on you, hasn't it father. Ha!  Couldn't resist that one!"  Amalthia said with a smile that ended in an upraised curl to her lips that prominently displayed her large upper canines.

Ludrick's ears lowered.  "When you have mice bringing in their squealing piglets all the time asking 'mommy can I have this' and 'daddy can I have that' it kind of rubs off on ya.  Anyway, calling someone a 'bitch' is just wrong." Amalthia pursed her lips then raised a clawed finger to her mouth.  "Ah.  I see.  So calling my dam a bitch, even though she is a bitch, is just plain wrong.  Yup.  No more calling that bitch, a bitch.  Got it!"   "Now you're just being obnoxious.  Have you been drinking again?"  Her father chuffed. "Well, perhaps just a little swig or two.  Oh.  I can be a bitch if you want.  Even your bitch." Her father planted his leather-padded hand over his face.  "Ugh!  Do you even have any idea just how wrong that sounds?  I think you need to study up more on human colloquialisms.  That mouth of yours is going to doom us both." "Funny thing.  My primus said almost exactly the same thing.  He said that I was the only cub in the fahrar who had a chronic case of north-end diarrhea because I was always running off at the mouth.  Hence my nickname, Amouthia." "Shut up and cut the damn meat, cub!" Amalthia began to slowly and silently spell out the word that had become a bone of contention in their conversation.   Her father let out a deep growl.  "I'm not playing this game anymore.  You're just a bored cub with no direction in your future.  I'm done for today! Sort the product and clean up this mess when you're done.  Dammit! I'm getting a drink." Ludrick plunged his knife into a strip steak he was cutting then stomped off without saying anything further.   For her part, Amalthia simply stood in the corner and sighed.  

I hate myself for being in love with myself sometimes, she thought as she began to make short work of the remaining cuts of meat. Gah! People take things way too seriously.  I wish they would understand that it is just my own way of communicating with them... my own way of dealing with... Amalthia removed her butcher's smock, threw it to the far end of the cutting room then sank down onto the floor as rivulets of tears began to well up in her amber eyes.  She knew that the sun would be setting soon and there would be an extra liter of mead stored in the cooler waiting just for her.  

[jodiereedus22]

Sickness

Daryl Dixon x Reader

Summary: [Y/N] falls ill with the flu at the prison, Daryl does everything to save her. 

A/N: I want to thank my girl @crossbowking , you're amazing, I love you, and wouldn't be able to do this without you!!!!! 

Word Count: 2516

Trigger Warnings: Angst, Mention of Death (kinda)

30 days.

That’s how long it’s been since anything bad had happened.

Everything at the prison was peaceful, you were a community. Everyone had their new roles. And it was working.

You had a beautiful little farm outside, which Rick and Hershel and eventually Carl managed.

There was a council now, it included, Hershel, Glenn, Sasha, Carol and you and Daryl.

You and Daryl.

Everything was amazing between you two. You had a bond that could not be broken, you love each other, although the bond went deeper than love, you understood each other and respected each other, you had each other’s back, which was important in this world.

Although you and Daryl were comfortable with each other, Daryl still wasn’t comfortable with the love of everyone else, especially Patrick, who idolizes him, which you found hysterical, and made fun of it to Daryl whenever you could.

It finally seemed as though you could make a life here. Not just surviving but living.

That was until those 30, blissful days were shattered by the sound of gunshots ringing through the prison.

Many went to help, including rick, Daryl and yourself. You had no idea what was happening only that there were walkers and you had to get rid of them.

When it was all done, you took a step back, through the haze of it all, and the determination to save people’s lives, you realized that the walkers were the people you had been sharing this home with, and it was unsettling.

When you had taken a moment to yourself Daryl called you upstairs, where Hershel and Dr. Caleb were trying to find explanations. When you got up there, you realized that this was Charlie's cell. You stood near Daryl, and he gave your hand a squeeze.

Rick was kneeling down beside the body. “No bites. No wounds. I think he just died.”

“Horribly, too. Pleurisy aspiration.” Celeb our local doctor weighed in. though none of you knew what he was talking about. Luckily Hershel cleared it up for everyone.

“Choked to death on his own blood. Caused those trails down his face.”

Everyone mulled it over for a second all thinking what a horrible way to die.

“I've seen them before on a walker outside the fences.” Rick broke the silence.

“I saw them on Patrick, too,” Daryl speaking up, you were very proud in these moments, not long ago he wouldn’t put himself out there, he had grown so much, and it made you love him more.

“They're from the internal lung pressure building up-- like if you shake a soda can and pop the top. Only imagine your eyes, ears, nose, and throat are the top.” Caleb explained in layman’s terms, which made it worse.

“It's a sickness from the walkers?” Bob asked the question everyone was thinking.

“No, these things happened before they were around. Could be pneumococcal. Most likely an aggressive flu strain.” Caleb answered Bob easily, making it sound like an everyday thing that someone could die this way.

“Someone locked him in just in time.” Hershel sounded grateful for that small mercy.

“No, man. Charlie used to sleepwalk. Locked himself in. Hell, he was just eating barbecue yesterday. How could somebody die in a day just from a cold?” Daryl knew so much about these new people we had taken in, it was endearing.

“I had a sick pig, it died quick. Saw a sick boar in the woods.” Rick said, trying to find an answer to the problem.

“Pigs and birds. That's how these things spread in the past. We need to do something about those hogs.” Hershel said it seemed you had a solution.

Suddenly everything you had worked for, was slowly turning to dust.

“Maybe we got lucky. Maybe these two cases are it.” Caleb sounded hopeful, be we all knew that luck was not a work in anyone vocabulary anymore.

“Haven't seen anybody be lucky in a long time. Bugs like to run through close quarters. Doesn't get any closer than this.” Bob said what everyone was thinking.

And then Hershel said something you all didn’t want to hear.

“All of us in here, we've all been exposed.” Silence fell once again. Then everyone separated, needing to get on with life and not dwindle.

 You went to make your way to the cell you shared with Daryl, but with Hershel’s words echoing in the mind, you didn’t want to give it to anyone else if you had it. so instead you made your way outside to get some much-needed air. You couldn’t get out fast enough, the smell of death, the looming threat that it could be anyone, this thing was unpredictable, and that scared you.

You sat down on one of the benches, closed your eyes and took a deep breathe in. you sat there for a while, you knew a council meeting was going on, discussing whatever the hell this is.

After a while, you heard footsteps approaching. You opened your eyes to see Daryl coming to sit next to you.

“You a ‘right?” Daryl said with a worried tone.

“Yeah, guess I have to be, it's just, everything was going so well, and now this.”

You tried so hard to make this a safe place, not just for everyone else, but for you and Daryl. You wanted a life with him, a life where you didn’t have to worry about death all the time, a place where you could grow old. You knew that was naive, giving the state of the world, but nonetheless, it was something you dreamed of.

 “We’ve been through worse times [Y/N] …” he said while pulling you into him to rest your head on his shoulder.

“…and we made it through, we’ll get through this as well, together.”

You lifted your head to look into his eyes, as you pressed your lips softly and lovingly on his, he replied by caressing your cheek with his hand. You pulled away and stared into his beautiful blue eyes, it was in moments like this when the word stopped when everything felt it was alright like it was going to be alright.

“How did the council go?” you asked curiously as to what they were going to do with this problem.

“All of us that went in there, we’re exposed, anyone showing signs are being quarantined to cell block A, in the meantime, its best to stay away from anyone who hasn’t been exposed.”

You nodded completely understanding what was needed to be done. Things still needed to be done around the prison, so Daryl kissed your forehead and headed to dig some graves. while you stayed on that bench and worked on some weapons, you may need them soon.

A little while later you heard a commotion at the fence and saw Daryl and rick in one of the truck, seemingly releasing the piglets to drive off some of the walkers. You stood up to keep watch to make sure they didn’t need any help and immediately felt dizzy and light headed, you put it down to the hot weather and not enough water. You saw Rick and Daryl were handling it fine and you got back to your job.

Not long after you sat down and started to work, you started to cough, only a little, nothing that seemed worrisome. But I started to get worse and quick and soon you found it hard to catch your breath when Daryl came up behind you and rubbed your back trying to make you better.

You started to get your breath back and could finally talk.

“Well this isn’t good” you tried to make light of the situation. “I need to go see Doctor S, I’m gonna have to stay in cell block A”

That realization that you might have this flu scared Daryl and you could see it on his face.

“Hey,” you said placing a hand on his cheek. “it gonna be okay, we’ve been through worse right?” repeating his words from earlier, though it didn’t seem to help.

Daryl leaned in to kiss you, but you pushed him away.

“You’re already to close, I can’t have you getting it to”

You stood up and started to walk away from Daryl as you turned to look at him, scared that this might be the last time. Having seen Patrick and Charlie, you knew it very well may be the last time you see him.

  The more time went on the more people came in the cell block, the more people you had to help Hershel and Glenn with, although you could feel yourself getting worse, but you needed to help people.

You needed a rest for a little while, simple tasks seem to be incredibly difficult right now. Hershel came to see you, and his face said it all.

You looked very pale, you were sweating, you were not looking good. He told you that he didn’t need your help anymore that he needed you to rest. But being as stubborn as you were you refused. But as you started to get up a dizzy spell came on making you sit back down on your bed. And started coughing again.

An hour had gone by when Hershel had come to see you again.

“I’m fine Hershel, help everyone else,” you told him, you didn’t want anyone losing their lives because he was with you.

“Daryl wants to see you, there a room through there, it has a glass window, he’ll be safe there,” Hershel told you.

You slowly walked into the room, dreading Daryl seeing you like this, you know it would make him worry more. As you walked up he was already as close to the glass as he could get.

“[Y/N]” his voice broke, seeing you like this was killing him.

“I’m okay, I’ll be okay” you tried to reassure him, but you knew hit wouldn’t work, you were trying to reassure yourself.

“I’m going on a run, Hershel said there was a veterinary clinic several miles out, it could have what we need to cure you, so I’m gonna go, I need to go” Daryl said, getting right down to business, not wanting to focus on you being this ill for too long.

“We’ll only be gone a day, so….” Daryl paused, composing himself, “hold one [Y/N], okay, hold on and be strong, I’m gonna save you okay!”

You nodded, hoping he was right, not for you but for him, if you died he would carry it around with him for the rest of his life, the guilt would never dissipate. You hated the idea of Daryl doing that to himself.

“You be careful too okay, I need you to come back, do you hear me?” you said placing a hand on the glass hoping you would be able to feel him.

He placed his hand on top of yours.

“I mean it, Daryl, I need you to come back!”

Daryl just nodded and walked out, he was breaking, and he didn’t want you to see that he had to be strong for you.

 Hours had gone by already, and you were feeling weaker than you have ever felt, you could barely move, you had a high temperature and the coughing fits were happening more regularly.

Hershel popped in on you a few times as did Glenn.

You had fallen asleep, only to be awoken by gunshots, the only thing you could think was de Ja Vu, it was happening again. As you got up to help, the worst fit caught you off guard making you fall to the floor, coughing up so much blood you couldn’t breathe anymore, struggling to get your breath you felt yourself getting weaker and weaker, you were losing the fight, and the only thing you could think of was that you were never going to see Daryl again.

Daryl rushes into the cell block to help people, and to find you, he had to make sure you were safe. He saw Hershel upstarts, he’d just put down a walker.

“[Y/N]!?” Daryl yelled at Hershel.

“She’s through there” he pointed to one of the cells, as he started running towards it.

What he saw could only be described as his worst nightmare, there you were laying on the floor in a pool of your own blood, but it was only when he got closer he realized that you weren’t breathing.

Daryl had never moved so quick, he rolled you onto your back and started giving you chest compressions.

“HERSHEL!” he yelled, he needed his help. He could lose you.

Seconds had passed, though it felt like a lifetime for Daryl, when Hershel arrived and took over, giving you more chest compressions.

Daryl stepped to the side, your blood on his hands, looking at your lifeless body. He couldn’t lose you and he wasn’t going to, even if it killed him.

After a couple of minutes, Daryl was pulled out of his haze by Hershel stopping the compressions, leaving you lying on the floor.

“what are you doing? Keep going!” Daryl yelled at Hershel

“I’m sorry son” Hershel sounded regretful. He was sad that you were gone, but he was also sad for Daryl.

Daryl suddenly pushed Hershel out of the way, and carried on, he said he’d save you and he was going to.

Chest compression wasn’t working, and Daryl was feeling hopeless by the second. He gave you mouth to mouth not caring if he got it, you weren’t here anymore, he has nothing left to live for. He did this a few times, people had begun to gather, ready to mourn. When you let in a sharp intake of breath and started coughing again.

Hershel rushed to you and moved you to your side, so you could get rid of whatever was in your throat. Daryl held you in his arms not ever wanting to let you go. When you are breathing became shallow but steady they moved you onto a bed and Hershel gave you the medicine that you needed.

Daryl never left your side, he ate there, he drank there, he slept there.

It had been days since you were ill, you were improving slowly, but not enough for Daryl to feel at ease.

After three days, you started to show signs of life, it started with you squeezing his hand a little, to show that your still here. Then eventually you opened your eyes, and the first ting Daryl would think to do was kiss you, he was scared that he’d never get to do that again. Your lips connected, and you immediately felt better, you felt Daryl tears fall on your face, as you looked him in the eyes and caressed his face and gave him a small smile.

“I love you [Y/N]” said adoringly

“I love you more,” you said, taking in everything about him, his smell his face, everything, you never want to be without him.

“Impossible” Daryl ended it.

And you fell asleep in the arms of the man you love.

  Taglist: @crossbowking , @addiction-survivor25 , @viraloutbreakcontrol , @dragongirl420 , @bluesfortheredj , @shutupimtryin2write , @nothingevertrulyends , @hyphymanatee , @selenedixon

[gilbertandanne]

Third installment to the Serendipity/Amaranthine universe. How far would you go in order to protect someone you love? WARNING: as with the first two parts in the series, there is an overall trigger warning for abuse (physical, mental, emotional). That, combined with the adult themes in this fic (alcohol, language, situations, etc), are the reason for the rating. Primarily Rucas.

Rating: M

Soundtrack (not at all in order and will be edited as the story progresses)

Word count: 8,935

A/N: I should have read this over one more time in it’s entirety, but I didn’t because I’m really struggling with a lot of insecurity right now (not to mention the numerous rewrites I’ve done to this chapter), so I’m sorry if this is God awful and makes no sense.

Prologue | One | Two | Three | Four | Five | Six | Seven | Eight | Nine |

                                                Elysian

Chapter Nine: The Moirai

The Moirai were the three goddesses of fate in Greek Mythology. They controlled the mother thread of life of every mortal from birth to death. They were independent, at the helm of necessity, directed fate, and watched that the fate assigned to every being by eternal laws might take its course without obstruction.

Where do you see yourself in ten years?

It was a question Riley asked herself a lot when she applied to various colleges during her senior year of high school.  She even had to answer that question a few times as she filled out her essays.  Every single one of them contained this well crafted answer that encompassed all of her professional goals.  She wanted to act.  Broadway, she supposed, would be the ultimate accomplishment, but she would be more than happy if she could find steady work doing what she loved.  Her ten year planned consisted of four years of undergraduate studies, several internships at various theaters in the city (if she was lucky), which would lead to being cast in the chorus or perhaps a minor role in a production.  She anticipated being in the background for a while, but that maybe, perhaps, with a little talent and a lot of luck, she may eventually get a starring role sometime.

That was the dream, anyway.

As she reflected on the past week, she realized that not once, in all of those essays and considerations, did she think about what her personal life would be like in ten years.  Yes, she had dreamt of a life with Lucas and their three hypothetical children, but in all of her conscious planning, she never planned for their actual future.  He was always just there, by her side.

Until now.

Until she realized why she never discussed their future with him and why she never even considered answering that question about her personal life.  

For a week, she subconsciously did what Jessica asked her to.  She watched him.  She watched every single emotion that graced his face.  And now, here she was—sitting alone on their hill while everyone else peacefully slept at the house.

The party had lasted all night, just as Lucas predicted.  Everyone finally crashed around dawn, around the time Pappy Joe was just getting up for the day.

Riley tried to sleep.  She knew that maybe if she slept, she wouldn’t feel quite as off kilter as she felt all night.  Two hours later, she was up and wandering around the property.  Sleep didn’t help her at all.  She couldn’t turn her brain off from everything Jessica had told her.  It was as if Lucas’s ex-girlfriend had pulled back this veil Riley had thrown over her entire relationship with him.  Had she been wandering around in a dream world for the last two years?  Was that her way of trying to protect their relationship from the world around them?  They had finally found one another again—after Charlie, after the issue with her father, after the fight with Farkle—after all of that, they had chosen one to be with one another.  They loved one another.  They were right for one another.  They made each other better.  With him, she never felt more like herself.  She had learned how to forgive and move on because of him.  She learned how to trust again because of him.  She wasn’t weighed down by the past anymore.  He gave all of that to her.

But now, she realized, overcoming the past didn’t automatically mean that their future together was set in stone.

She felt the color drain from her face as she watched the water ripple across the lake.  She knew she needed to have this conversation with herself before she had it with him.  She had to face this reality before she could attempt to put all of it into words.

She took a deep breath as she closed her eyes.  The first image she saw was the smile on his face when he talked about those piglets.  As much as she loved him, and as much as she loved that smile, she knew what that smile meant.  It meant that this was his happy place.  This was his home.  This was where he felt free.  This place, this beautiful farm, his incredible family—all of it—helped to make him who he was now.  She had never seen him as happy as he appeared to be this week.  

She slowly laid down before she opened her eyes.  He had helped her find her salvation—her way out of the darkness that had strangled her for months.  He had always been there for her, even after she pushed him away.  

He loved her.

She loved him.

She knew that he would deny the fact that they had a problem.  She knew that he would insist that he would be more than happy to follow her to the ends of the earth if she wanted him to.

But, that was just it.

She didn’t want him to.

She wanted him to be happy.  She wanted him to always feel as happy and as free as he seemed to be this summer.  She wanted him to continue to rebuild his relationship with his father.  She wanted him to be able to be near his family in case Pappy Joe needed him.  She wanted him to be able to take care of the farm if Pappy Joe was ever unable to.  She didn’t want him to compromise any of his dreams for her.

She knew that Lucas would never ask her to give up her dreams to move here.  As Riley looked up at the crystal clear blue sky above her, she knew that she would never ask him to do the same.  In fact, she would do everything in her power to ensure that he ended up exactly where he was meant to be.  

Even if Charlie was being paroled at that very minute, even if the thought of him wandering around as a free man scared her, it was nothing compared to the fear that washed over her at the thought of Lucas being pulled back into that world.  After all, it wasn’t a matter of if Charlie was going to be released; it was only a matter of when.  Some day, maybe today, he would be released, and according to Lucas, he would happily seek him out in a misguided attempt at revenge.

Had Lucas changed in the last four years?  Absolutely.  But, it wasn’t as if he was magically cured from all the anger that he once held.  Yes, he had let go of a lot of his rage, but Riley knew that part of who he used to be would always be contained within him.  Had he learned how to control it?  Absolutely, but when Maya brought up Charlie, Riley could see that unresolved anger flash in his eyes.  She could practically feel it roll off of him.  He had let go of a lot of things over the last four years, but Charlie was still an unsettled issue for him—one in which Riley knew wouldn’t be resolved in the same way as it was done with Lucas’s father.  

Charlie wasn’t worth it.  Riley knew it, but Lucas was still completely unreasonable with it came to the subject of Riley’s ex-boyfriend.  If she couldn’t convince him to let go of his hatred, then the least she could do is protect him from it.  He had always protected her and she had always protected him—even if it meant protecting him from himself.

The thought of Lucas going from blissfully happy to murderously angry made her skin crawl.  She couldn’t do that to him.  Charlie was never his problem.  

So, no matter when it happened, whether it was today or whether it was seven years from now, she knew that she would do everything in her power to shield Lucas from diving back into the world they managed to walk away from.

As she wandered back toward the main house, she was nowhere closer to figuring anything out.  All she knew was that her future was in New York.  Her family was there.  Her friends were there.  Her, hopeful, career was there.  His future was here.  His family lived here.  Most of his friends lived here.  He was happy here.

What were they supposed to do?  For as long as she could remember, she was taught that love could help overcome anything, but this—she wasn’t sure how it could overcome something like this.  What kind of life would they be able to have if one of them gave up their dreams for the sake of the other?  Jessica was right.  They would grow to resent one another. Something like this, she couldn’t hide from him.  It hurt too much to think about.  She had happily remained in denial land for years now, but after last night—after the last week—she owed it to herself and to him to talk about it.  They hadn’t discussed their future at all, but now, it was all she could think about.  She didn’t even think about Charlie as much as she thought she would because even that seemed to pale in comparison to this.

They had no future together.

She spent the entire week trying not to think about it and the entire night last night coming up with a hundred different possible scenarios about their future, but not one of them ended in a ‘happily ever after’.  They all involved one of them making some kind of sacrifice for the other.

She knew that she needed to talk to him about it.  She knew that this was something too important to discuss over the phone when she got back.  If she waited until he returned to the city, she knew that it would completely consume her.  She was already barely speaking to him because of Charlie.  This was something she wasn’t even sure she could keep to herself.  At the same time, how could she even begin to bring this up?  She knew what it would lead to.  She knew what opening her mouth would do to them, but wasn’t the whole point of bringing it up now was so they could somehow figure out what their next step was—if there was even a next step they could take?

God, there had to be something.  There had to be some kind of way for each of them to get what they wanted out of life without having to sacrifice each other.  Surely they didn’t go through everything they did in high school just to fall apart due to forces beyond their control?  They were stronger than that, weren’t they?  Couldn’t the love they shared for one another overcome any obstacle—even their own conflicting dreams for the future?

She felt nauseous.  She felt like she was going to pass out.  As she walked by the stables, she briefly wondered if this was it—if this was the last time she would see this farm, these stables.  Would tonight be her last time on the hill with him?  

It couldn’t be.  No, that wasn’t a possibility.  They had survived so much.  It couldn’t just end.  Could it?

It was already mid-afternoon before the others woke up.  By the time Riley had arrived back from her hours long walk around the property, everyone else had just gotten ready for the day—what was left of it anyway.

The moment she entered the house, Lucas could tell that something was wrong.  Truthfully, he noticed that she seemed preoccupied the previous night, but had managed to convince himself that she must have just been tired.  They had a really long day yesterday and staying up all night probably didn’t help anything.  He realized that his own exhaustion from the previous night must have clouded his judgment, because after being able to sleep for about eight hours, he immediately sensed the heaviness that surrounded his normally cheerful girlfriend.  This was different than how she had been for the last month.  She seemed more out of sync, more contemplative, depressed even. He had never seen her look like that before—even when she went through the ordeal with Charlie, even when she saw him at his absolute worst when he got into that fight with Farkle.  This was something completely different, and it scared the shit out of him.

One look at her boyfriend, and she knew she was going to fall apart.  She felt the tears immediately sting the back of her eyes as they looked at one another.  She knew her face had already given herself away.  Charlie she could hide from him, but this?  This was something else entirely.

He wanted to go to her.  He needed to find out what had happened, but he was petrified to say anything.  His legs felt like lead as he stood in the middle of his grandfather’s living room.

Someone had to say something.  Someone had to ask the obvious.  Someone had to make some kind of move.

“So, Chubbie’s for our last night here, right,” Maya asked as she breezed into the living room.

“I’m down for that,” Zay responded as he entered the living room from the boys’ room.

Riley was the first to break eye contact as she forced herself to glance at her best friend.  “Y-Yeah,” she stammered before she cleared her throat.  “It’s…tradition…for the last night.”

“Did someone say ‘Chubbie’s’,” Farkle asked as he entered the living room.

Maya laughed.  “Anxious to dive into another plate of ribs?”

“Well, you know, it’ll be the last time I can get them for awhile, so I might as well, right?”  He glanced at Lucas.  “What time do they open?”

“Around 4,” he absentmindedly answered as he continued to stare at his girlfriend.  That one look from her had completely changed his entire mood.  Something was very, very wrong, and while he knew he needed to know what it was, he dreaded hearing the answer.

“It’s nearly 3:30 already,” Maya noted.  “Geez, time flies when you sleep all day.”

“Yeah, I hate that we slept most of the day,” Zay began as he sat down on the couch, “but last night was worth it, wasn’t it?”

Maya laughed as she sat down next to him.  “I have to admit that it was probably the best 4th of July celebration I’ve ever been to…and it wasn’t even the 4th.”

“Yeah,” Zay nodded, “It’s a pretty awesome tradition.  I’m glad you guys were able to experience that—at least once anyway.”

Maya glanced at Riley.  “Are you about ready to go get something to eat?”

“Sure,” she answered with a small smile.  “Are you guys?”

“Absolutely,” Farkle answered.

Riley barely touched her food.  She merely spent thirty minutes pushing it around on her plate so the others would think that she had eaten something.  

Lucas wasn’t fooled.  His gaze never wandered very far away from Riley ever since she came back from her walk.  With every passing second, he became more and more concerned. He had tried to be patient and wait for her to come to him, but his patience was non-existent now.  There was no way she was going to get on that plane tomorrow without telling him what was going on.  It wasn’t fair to him.  It wasn’t fair that he had to watch her pretend that nothing was wrong when in reality, it looked like the entire world had ended.

He didn’t eat.  He couldn’t even pretend to eat.  Every single thought he had revolved around her.  He knew that she wouldn’t say a word about it around the others and not while they were out in public.  He also knew that they were going to sit around a campfire later on, and if he had a chance of talking to her alone, that would be time to try to get her alone.  They had only spent one night stargazing since she had arrived.  He didn’t really question it until now, but as he stared at her, he knew that it was more than just fatigue that kept her away.

She was pushing him away.

He had to know why.

He deserved to know why.

“It’s a million degrees out here,” Maya whined as she watched Lucas and Zay stoke the fire in front of them.  “Is the fire really necessary?”

“It’s starting to cool off a little,” Riley told her.  “Besides, we wouldn’t have been able to make smores without it.”

“And you didn’t even eat one of them,” Lucas muttered before he stood up.  Riley loved smores.  They were one of her favorite things about campfires.  It was one reason why campfires became a last night in Texas tradition for them.  She could devour a whole bag of marshmallows on her own.  Like with dinner, Lucas had watched her slide marshmallow after marshmallow on her stick.  She went through the motions of placing it on the graham cracker with a piece of chocolate on top, but whenever it came to actually consuming the treat, she would look at it for a long moment before tossing it into the trash bag.  He knew that none of the others had noticed--all too absorbed in their conversation about the past week—but he had noticed.

Riley furrowed her eyebrows as she watched him walked a few feet away from them.  He had his back turned to the group as he crossed his arms over his chest.  She was certain that the others hadn’t heard him, but she had.  He knew something was wrong and she knew that there was no way she would be able to avoid the conversation she had spent the last hour trying to talk herself out of having with him.

“They’re messy, but they sure are delicious.” Zay pulled out the nearly empty bag of marshmallows from behind Maya.  He turned to Farkle.  “Want another one?”

Farkle’s stomach lurched.  “No, I’m ok.  I think I ate enough tonight to last me for the next month.”

“Are you feeling ok,” Maya asked him when she noticed how pale he seemed.

“No, I—“ his stomach rumbled.  “I…better go.  I don’t feel so good.”  He clutched his stomach as he stood up.  “I’m…sorry.”  He didn’t wait for anyone to respond to him before he made a beeline back to the house.  He swore to himself at that very moment that no matter how delicious they seemed, he was never going to consume another rib for as long as he lived.

“Good night,” Zay called out as he watched Farkle sprint toward the house.  “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him run that fast.”

“Poor Farkle.” Maya took a bite of her marshmallow.  “Some people just can’t handle three racks of ribs.”

“I’m not sure where he puts it,” Zay chuckled.

“I’m not so sure he was able to put it anywhere,” she pointed out.  “I think that’s why he’s halfway back to the house now.”

While Zay and Maya resumed their discussion about the best part of their week, Riley’s gaze shifted back to her boyfriend.  Through the light the campfire emitted, she could see the tension between his shoulders as his arms remained folded across his chest.  His head was slightly bowed, which meant his gaze was fixated on the ground rather than anything off in the distance.

She wasn’t how long he stood there before he suddenly spun around to face the group once more.

He took a deep breath as his eyes locked onto his girlfriend’s.  “Do you want to go on a walk with me?”

Riley glanced at Maya and Zay for a moment before she turned back to Lucas. “Uh…yeah.”  She swallowed before she stood up.  A wave of panic slowly rolled through her as she walked toward him.

Maya and Zay silently watched the couple leave.  

“Is something wrong with Riley,” Zay asked.  He wasn’t the most perceptive person in their group of friends, so he knew that if he had sensed the obvious tension between the couple, then there must be something to it.  “She’s seemed…off this week.”

Maya laid her stick down next to her as she tried to think of some excuse to give Zay that wouldn’t exactly be a lie.  “She’s just…stressed right now.  She doesn’t want it to ruin the trip, so she’s trying not to think about it.”  There.  Let Zay come to his own conclusion about what it was.  She knew that he would probably assume that it was the apartment search, after all, they all knew how stressed the brunette had been about it.

Zay sat his stick down next to Maya’s.  “Well, hopefully this week helped clear her head a little bit.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, content enough to watch the flames flicker in front of them.  Maya bit her bottom lip as she looked at Zay out of the corner of her eye.  She knew that this would be a completely off the wall question, but she wanted his honest opinion and perhaps the best way to get it would be to take him by surprise.  “Can I ask you something?”

He turned toward her.  “Sure.”

She took a deep breath.  Was she actually about to bring up something that happened in high school?  Before she could second-guess herself, she continued.  “It’s something I’ve been wondering about lately. I know it’s ridiculous, but I can ask you anything, right?”

What on earth could it possibly be that she had to preface it like that?  “Yeah.  Of course.”

“Ok…so…um…when we were in high school…when Lucas first came…he…he said that you used to refer to me as ‘the blonde beauty’.”  She cleared her throat.  “Um…what did that mean exactly?”

Zay chuckled nervously.  “Still remember that, huh?”  He had hoped that time would have been on his side and she would have completely forgotten about it by now, but of course she didn’t.  He wasn’t that lucky.  

“Well, it’s a little hard to forget.”  She clasped her hands together as she felt a wave of anxiety flow through her.  “Did that mean that it was all I had going for me?”

Zay’s smile faltered.  “No.  No.  Maya, I never meant for you to take it like that.”  It was quite the opposite actually.  Lucas had only told the group one thing he said about Maya.  Lucas, thankfully, never told the group everything Zay had confessed about the blonde who currently sat next to him.

“I’m not so sure how else to take it, Zay.”

“Maya, you’re beautiful…yes…but you’re so much more than that.  I told Lucas that when I first met you guys.  Ever since then I’ve…” he sighed as he felt his heart begin to race.  “You’re one of the smartest people I know.  You can turn a blank canvas into a masterpiece.  You would do anything for your friends…you even proved that when everything happened between Lucas and Riley in high school.  You have more talent in one finger than anyone else has in their entire body.  God, I feel like I could listen to you talk about paint drying and be completely enraptured…” he let his words hang in the air as he watched Maya lift her eyebrows in surprised.  Oh God.  What had he just done?  “I…might have said too much.”

Maya bit her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling.  “Was it…true?”  Did he really see her like that?  Was she really more than just a face to him?  Did he really think that she was smart and talented?

He nodded.  “Of course it’s true.  It was true then…and it’s still true now, but…”

“But?”

He took a deep breath.  He wasn’t at all prepared to have this conversation with her.  “I’ve always…had a crush on you,” he confessed.  “Even when you were dating one of my best friends.  I hated myself for it, but it never…went away.”

“Really?”  She couldn’t believe it.  He had a crush on her?  And it never went away?  Did that mean that he, maybe, still had a crush on her now?

“Yeah.  Why do you ask?”  He hoped that this wouldn’t make things awkward between them.  He had gotten pretty good at hiding his feelings for her—especially after she started to date Farkle.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged.  “I feel like…like maybe we’ve gotten closer over the last few years.”  She wasn’t sure what it was, or how it really happened, but while the entire group recovered from everything that happened in high school, she found herself spending more time with Zay.  He had turned into her art museum buddy and in return, she went with him to various dance performances in the city.  They had really bonded over their mutual love of the arts.  She found herself looking forward to spending time with him, and if she was being perfectly honest with herself, she knew that she was going to miss him a lot over the next month.

“Yeah.  Me too.”  She wasn’t completely freaked out by his confession?  Was he dreaming?

“Do you…still like me?”

He looked into her eyes for a long moment.  “Yeah.  I think that’s the only thing that hasn’t—“

He was unable to finish the rest of his sentence as Maya pressed her lips against his.  He ran his hand through her blonde curls as he softly caressed her cheek.  He must have dreamt of kissing Maya Hart off and on for the last seven years.  Now, here he was, kissing the girl of his dreams.

Only, there was still the very real issue of Farkle Minkus that immediately came to his mind.  He slowly pulled away from her.  He knew he couldn’t do this.

“What,” she asked as she slowly opened her eyes.  She was completely confused.  That was easily one of the best first kisses she had ever had.  Did he not feel the same way?  “Was it…not…”

“No,” he shook his head.  “That was…incredible.  I just…what about Farkle?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s throwing up in the bathroom and swearing that he’ll never eat ribs again.  Why?”

“You and he dated for a really long time.”

“We dated in high school, Zay.”

“Yeah, and do you remember what happened when you guys broke up?”  It was two and a half years ago, but Zay knew he’d never forget the aftermath of that breakup.  He was the one who was there for Farkle after the fight with Lucas.  He was the one who listened as Farkle went over every detail of his relationship with Maya as he tried to make sense of where he went wrong.  As much as he liked Maya, Zay knew that he had to take Farkle’s feelings into consideration.

Maya sighed.  “He doesn’t…he isn’t…he doesn’t like me like that anymore.”

“I’m not so sure that’s true, Maya.  I see the way he looks at you.”

She frowned.  “So, because my ex-boyfriend looks at me…it means that I can’t…we can’t…maybe go out on a date or something?”

Zay shook his head.  “We’re finally all ok after what happened senior year.  I can’t risk that.”

Maya looked down as she watched the fire slowly die down in front of them.  He had a point.  She wouldn’t want to risk her friendship with Farkle, but at the same time, she felt something when she kissed Zay.  “Yeah.  Maybe you’re right.”  She slowly looked back up at him.  “But…you know how they say ‘what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t you think that it could work for any destination…like say…Austin, Texas…by a romantic campfire under thousands of stars?”

He swallowed.  “You’re not making this easy.”

“All I’m saying is that…I felt something.  In a five second kiss, I felt something and I’m not sure what it is, but we’re both adults.  Who knows?  It could just be a physical attraction.”

“What do you propose?”

“It’s my last night here.  Riley and Lucas are off on a walk…probably at the hill.  Farkle is…back at the house.  All I know right now is that I want to spend my last night here with you.  You’re going to be here for the next month.  Maybe we can get this out of our system now…and not wonder ‘what if’…and by the time you come back to the city, we can just continue being friends.”  She placed her hand on his knee.  She had never proposed anything like this before, but there was something about all of this that felt right.  Was it just the setting?  She wasn’t sure, but she knew that she needed to find out.  “Zay, come on.  We’ve all dated around.  What’s so different about this?”

Yes, they had dated around, but this was different.  He knew that if he went down this path, Maya Penelope Hart would take up a permanent residence in his heart.  They were by a romantic campfire, under a million stars, and he knew the moment his brown eyes met her blue ones that he wouldn’t be able to deny her anything she asked of him.

“I feel bad just leaving them back there,” Riley began as she sat down at the very spot she spent most of the day at, “but I definitely wanted to get a little more of this view before I leave tomorrow.”  Small talk.  Small talk was good.  Small talk could cut down on the tension that had been building between them over the last few hours.

“You really love this place, don’t you?” He released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding as he sat down behind her and wrapped his arms around her.  Maybe he had been wrong?  Maybe she was just stressed about everything going on back in New York.  He knew that she didn’t eat much when she was stressed.  Maybe he had overreacted?  

“So do you,” she answered solemnly as she looked up at the same sky that always seemed to give her strength.  It seemed fitting that the clouds above them had prevented her from seeing the countless stars that normally hung overhead.  She closed her eyes when she felt his lips brush against her shoulder.  He wasn’t making this easy, but she knew that she had to say something.  They had to talk about this before she left because not knowing what to do was slowly destroying her.  “Do you…do you think you could see yourself here in a few years…once you graduate?”

He smiled against her shoulder before he placed another kiss against it. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly as he lifted his head to rest his chin on her shoulder.  “I haven’t really thought about it.”  He looked at the scenery around them.  It would be easy to picture them sitting in this very spot in fifty years.  “I love Texas, but I want to be wherever you are.”

“That’s just it, Lucas.”  She craned her neck to look at him.  This was it.  Everything she had been thinking, feeling, and denying was about to come out.  “What if where I want to be and where you want to be places us on opposite sides of the country?”

Lucas frowned.  Where was any of this coming from?  They had just finished their sophomore year in college.  They had plenty of time to figure out where they were going to live.  Was this what had been on her mind?  He nearly sighed in relief as he buried his head in her neck.  He waited a brief moment before he placed a gently kiss at the base of it.  “Riley, I want to be with you.”  He lifted his head as he tightened his grip on her in a non-verbal attempt to reassure her.  “I don’t care if I have to live in a cardboard box in a dark and damp alley for the rest of my life…as long as I can be with you, ok?”  He kissed the top of her head.  “All of this means nothing to me unless you’re here too.”

Riley slowly inhaled before she pulled away from him.  She turned her head back so she could look him in the eyes.  Everything he had said so far was exactly what she knew he would say.  It only strengthened her resolve to continue this discussion.  “What about your career?  Lucas, I can’t let you give all that up for me.”

“Who says I’m giving it up?  There are veterinarians in the city.”  He narrowed his eyes.  “Riley, where is this coming from?”  The moment she pulled away from him, Lucas knew that this wasn’t some moment of panic about where they would end up in two years.  This was something that she had spent considerable time questioning.  

As she watched the seriousness of their conversation slowly dawn on him, she knew that she had to get this out while she still had any kind of strength to.  “It’s coming from the place inside of me that knows that we want to share our lives together, but at the same time, when you really think about it…one of us is going to have to sacrifice what we want in order to do it.”  She swallowed.  She wasn’t sure if she was making any kind of sense, but she knew she had to keep going.  “I love acting.  Tisch has offered me the chance of a lifetime to get my foot in the door so I can really pursue this.  I can’t…I don’t know.”  She sounded completely selfish, and maybe she was.  Maybe she was scared that this whole time he assumed she would move to Texas because she was ‘just an actress’ and that career path wasn’t nearly as significant as being a veterinarian.

“You can’t give up all of that hard work just to come live here.  Riley, I’m not asking you to.”  He knew that they had all the time in the world to figure this out, but as he watched the tears slowly form in her eyes, he knew that she had already spent a considerable amount of time doing just that.  Judging by the look on her face and the growing pit in his stomach, he knew that she had already made up her mind about it.

She slowly looked up into his eyes as the first few tears slid down her cheeks.  “I’m not asking you to stay in the city.”

“You don’t have to ask.”  His voice felt raw as he tried to decipher everything she wasn’t telling him just yet.  The look of defeat in her eyes was more than enough to shatter the protective wall they had built over the last two years to keep the world—and all of its attempts to pull them apart—away from them.

She had to press on.  She had to make him see that they had a problem—a very real one—that couldn’t be resolved in a five-minute conversation.  She had already tried to figure it out on her own, and she couldn’t find a single alternative that didn’t end in at least one of them hating the other.  “What about school?  You can’t study veterinarian medicine in the city.”

He knew that.  He had done the research.  He knew that he would have to go away for that part of his education, but he always thought she understood that.  He thought that she would be ok with having to pursue a long distance relationship for a while.  After everything they had been through, surely distance would be the last thing to ruin them.  “Riley,” his voice slightly quivered, “do you want to break up?”

Riley shook her head despite the fact that tears were freely flowing down her cheeks.  That was why she wanted to talk to him about it.  She didn’t want to break up.  She didn’t want to give this up.  She needed his help to figure all of it out.  “No!  I just…maybe this is why I haven’t…why we haven’t talked about our future.  The next two years seem perfect, but after that, no matter what scenario I try to consider, we end up in different cities, and I’m not sure how we’ll ever live in the same city.”  Verbalizing it, admitting that their future seemed cloudy at best made it all seem real—too real.  

He looked at her in complete and utter disbelief.  The hopelessness in her tone only drove home the fact that she had already given up on them.  “Are you saying that we have an expiration date?”

Her bottom lip trembled at the mere suggestion that someday, everything with him would end.  “I’m saying that…that…maybe I was wrong.  Maybe we don’t need to talk about this now.”  She wiped her eyes as her eyes fell to the ground next to her.  “All I want to do is lay here with you and look at this sky and memorize every single second of it because…because this is what’s going to carry me through until you come back next month.”  She shouldn’t have said anything to him.  She should have kept it bottled in until she had some sort of plan figured out.  

This whole conversation had taken him completely by surprise.  How long had she thought about all of this?  Why hadn’t she talked to him about it before now?  Why did this feel more like an ending rather than some small bump that they would figure out together?  He slowly stood up.  He had to move around.  He couldn’t sit still any longer.  All he wanted to do at that moment was run away—from the hill, from her, from a future that apparently didn’t include her.  “You’re saying we have an expiration date.”

Riley watched as he paced in front of her.  She wanted to lie to him and tell him that it wasn’t what she meant at all, but now that it was out there, she couldn’t take it back.  “Lucas, I don’t know.”

It felt like someone had punched him in the stomach.  He stopped pacing as he tried to absorb what the woman he loved was trying to tell him.  She didn’t know if they were going to last?  After everything they had been through, after everything he had told her, after every touch, every kiss, she didn’t know if they were worth fighting for?  “Is this why you’ve been distant from me this summer?”

Her eyes fell to the ground.  She couldn’t tell him about Charlie—not now.  Not when she didn’t know what had happened at his hearing earlier in the day and not while they were still trying to figure this out.  “I’ve been in New York and you’ve been here.  I think it stands to reason that we’ve been distant.”

Lucas scoffed as he placed his hands on his hips.  He looked up to the sky for a long moment before he glanced down at her once more.  “Don’t,” his voice was deep, pained.  He noticed her flinch at the heaviness of it. “Don’t play it off.  We both know that you’ve been pulling away from me.  I knew you were hiding something.”  He shook his head.  He wasn’t prepared to accept the reality of their conversation.  “I just didn’t think it was something like this.”

“Lucas, all I’m saying is that maybe…maybe we’ve been avoiding talking about it because it’s…it’s a big decision that we have to make.  I think that maybe…now that it’s out there…that it’s something we need to start thinking about.”

He fell to his knees as he found himself a few shallow breaths away from begging for her to reconsider everything she had just told him.  He cupped her face in his hands as he looked into her bloodshot eyes.  He wiped away a few of her tears as he silently begged her to tell him that everything was going to be ok—that this was all some test, just another little bump in the road to their happily ever after.  “What is there to think about,” he asked softly as he continued to brush her tears away.  “I want to be with you.  Anywhere.  Always.”  What else mattered?  They needed to fight for this.  They needed to figure it out—together.  God, he’d literally go to hell if it meant they would be able to be with one another.  How could she not understand that they could get through anything as long as they were together?  

She closed her eyes when she saw the desperation in his eyes.  She knew that was exactly how she must have looked last night after her conversation with Jessica.  As much as she wanted to reassure him that everything was going to be ok, she wasn’t convinced that it would be.  It wasn’t an easy fix.  It wasn’t something that could be resolved in one conversation.  It was going to take time and a lot of soul searching to figure it all out.  When she opened her eyes, she noticed that his eyes had filled with his own tears.  “I want to be with you, too,” she began as she desperately tried to bite back a sob, “but Lucas, this is…I don’t know what to do.”

He leaned forward as he pressed his lips to her forehead.  “Please stay,” he softly pleaded as he rested his forehead against hers.  “We can figure this out.  Please stay.  Please.  One month.  Riley, please.”  

“I can’t,” she bit out.  “Lucas, please.  Please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

He leaned back from her.  “What can I do?  Riley, please tell me what I need to do.”

She wiped her eyes before she ran her fingers through her hair.  “I think…I think that we both just need to…to take some time and think about this.” Her voice shook as she looked up at the sky.  “I think that maybe we…we take the next month and…think about it…apart from one a-another.”

“W-What?”  His heart dropped at her words.  What did that even mean ‘think about it apart from one another’?  Two thousand miles apart wasn’t enough?  She wanted more space?

“I don’t know,” she finally cried out before she forced herself to stand up.  “I thought that maybe since you’re here and I’m there that it would be a…a good time…to just…take the next month and…and maybe not talk to one another.  M-Maybe we can figure out…what we really want…and maybe figure out a way to get it.”

“A break?”  He stood up before he closed the space between them.  “You want a break from us?”

“We need to figure out what we want.”

“But I know what I want.”  He cupped her face in his hands once more.  “I want you, Riley.  Nothing else matters if I don’t have you.”  He lowered his head as he brushed his lips against hers.  The moment he felt her kiss him back, his opened his mouth as he quickly deepened their kiss.  He was more than desperate for her to know just how much he needed her.  They didn’t need a break.  They only needed each other.

It would be easy to give in.  God, how she wanted to forget it all and give into this.  They could spend the next two years avoiding this entire conversation, but she knew it would be pointless.  “Lucas,” she gasped as she pulled back from him.  She gently nudged him back from her.  They had to talk about this.  They couldn’t just ignore it.

His desperation and despair slowly turned into anger.  How could she dismiss their relationship when he had given everything to her?  He was prepared to give it all up—everything he had dreamt for himself—just to be with her and she wanted a break from him?  “Fine,” he said as he turned away from her.

She could feel the anger rolling off of him, but he had to understand.  “Lucas, I just want us to figure out what we want apart from one another.  Maybe then we can figure out—“

“Nah, I get it,” he crossed his arms over his chest as he turned back around to face her.  “But what’s the point in waiting?”

Riley frowned.  Waiting?  This wasn’t waiting.  This was a break so they could figure out what they wanted outside of their relationship.  “What do you mean?”

“I don’t understand the point in waiting for a month.”  His voice shook, but he only saw one resolution.  “You’re right.  It would be easier to do this now…while I’m here and while you’re in New York.  I’ll be gone for four more weeks, and…I think you’ve already made up your mind.  I don’t think a month is going to change anything.  You’ve clearly been thinking about this for a while now…what’s a month of not speaking to one another really going to do other than to delay the inevitable?”  He swallowed.  “We’re already having this conversation, so why not finish it now?  Why wait?”  What the hell was he even saying?  Did he just tell her that he wanted to break up with her?  He didn’t want to break up with her.  He didn’t want a break from her at all!  Less than 24 hours ago, he was begging her to stay and spend the rest of the summer with him.  God, he couldn’t imagine a few weeks without her, let alone forever.

Riley felt the air around her completely evaporate as her mouth fell open in shock.  “Are you…are you breaking up with me?”

“Haven’t you already broken up with me,” he challenged as he finally allowed his anger to control his emotions.  It was easier this way.  It was easier to hide behind the fact that she had made this decision for them.  Waiting a month would only delay the inevitable.  He knew that.  She knew that.  “I feel like you’ve been thinking about this for awhile,” he added as he ran a hand through his hair.  “What’s one month of not communicating going to do?  We’ll be right back here…having this same conversation again.  Why not rip the Band-Aid off now?”

Her throat ran dry. This wasn’t what she wanted!  “I thought…I thought I could tell you anything and that you would…that it would…that we would…”

“That we would what? You’re right, Riley.  We don’t know what’s going to happen after we graduate, so it’s better to just…save ourselves the trouble of wasting two more years on something that’s…that’s always been doomed.”  God, it hurt.  Everything hurt.  His head hurt.  His chest hurt.  His whole body ached, but none of it compared to how badly everything felt on the inside.  It was all crumbling around him.  Everything he had worked for.  Everything they had survived.  It was all in vain.  All of it was for nothing.  He loved her.  He loved her more than he would ever love anything.  That’s why the thought of being in limbo for a month—of being scared every single day that his worst nightmare would become a reality—would be too much for him.  He couldn’t live like that for another month.  He had already been living like that for most of the summer.  He loved her.  He’d do anything in the world for her—even if that meant letting her go.  He had done it once, he could do it again, although this time it was ten times harder—because he was at least ten times more in love with her than he was back then.  “I’m giving you want you want,” he paused as he stared at the patch of grass next to her feet.  “What you really want, but are too nice to actually say.  You…don’t have to worry about it anymore.”  He cleared his throat.  “You can go back to New York and just focus on getting your apartment with Maya.  You don’t have to worry about this anymore.”

Tears cascaded down the brunette’s cheeks as she stared at the ground.  “Good thing I’m leaving tomorrow then, huh?”  Was this actually happening?  Some part of her knew that this would be inevitable, but did the inevitable have to happen now?  Everything around her felt like a dream—a complete and utter nightmare.  Would she wake up soon?  God, she hoped so.  She couldn’t stand the thought of having to exist in a world where they weren’t together.  

He knew that if he looked up at her, whatever fragments of his heart that remained would completely shatter.  Always a glutton for punishment, he forced himself to slowly look up at the only woman he knew he would ever love.  Seeing the tears in her eyes and hearing the quiver in her voice made him want to take back every single word, but he knew he couldn’t.  Was this what she had been thinking about for the last month?  Was this what she had kept from him?  It sounded like she had made her decision long before she even asked him about it.  What was the point in waiting?  What was the point in torturing himself for the next month—the next two years—about it?  God, this was it.  This was what she had been hiding from him all along.

She wasn’t sure how long they stared at one another in complete silence.  All she knew was that everything around her seemed thick—so thick that she had a hard time even breathing.  She could hear her heart beat throb in her ears.  This used to be her safe place.  It was where she first told Lucas everything that happened to her that night at the ski lodge.  It was where they decided to be together.  It was where he took her almost every night she was in Austin over the last few summers.  It was their place.  It was their oasis.

But not anymore.  The fairytale had ended.  The magical spell of the hill had been broken, because while it’s nice to think that there such a thing as a safe place in the world, the truth is that there isn’t.  At any given moment, your entire world could crumble and all you’re left holding are the fragments of a world you used to know.  Her eyes fell to the grass once more.  “I knew something bad was going to happen,” she murmured.

“What?”  He heard her, but he wasn’t the one who did this.  She was the one who had decided their entire future, or lack of one, without him.  That hurt more than anything.  She had decided that there was nothing to be done.  She had chosen this.  He was just the one who had the guts to pull the trigger.  She wanted them to think about this for the next month, but as he stared at her, he knew—he knew that wouldn’t have changed anything.

“Nothing.  I…um…better go…pack.  It’s going to be morning…soon…and I don’t want to…to…umm…bye.”  She wasn’t even sure if she had made any sense as the rush of words that poured from her.  She took approximately five steps away from him before she paused.  She took a deep breath before she turned back to look at him.  She wanted to stop everything—rewind time and ignore everything she had been feeling—but she couldn’t.  She slowly turned back around before she quickly left him behind as she began to navigate the path back to the main house.  If this had happened two years ago, she knew she would’ve gotten lost in the darkness, but the path from the house to the hill was one Riley now knew by heart.  ‘This might be the last time I’m here,’ she thought as tears continued to stream down her cheeks.  

She didn’t want this.  She didn’t want to break up.  She wasn’t sure what she wanted, but it certainly wasn’t this.  This was why she didn’t want to talk about their future at all.  She wasn’t sure where it would lead, if anywhere.  Apparently, he didn’t even want to try to work through it.  Maybe he knew all along that they were simply a dead end.

Lucas slowly sat down as he replayed their conversation.  It was over.  Just like that, the last four years were gone.  He knew he had made the right decision by ending it now instead of waiting until he got back to the city.  He knew that the distance would help him adjust to this new world he was now forced to live in.  He knew he couldn’t wait another month just to go back and have the same conversation with the same resolution.  She was right to force him to face their reality instead of getting swept up in their feelings for one another.  Even if they had tabled the entire conversation, what would happen in two years?  He was prepared to follow her anywhere she wanted to go, no matter where that was, but she didn’t want him to do that.  She wanted to live her life and she want him to live his life, and for some reason, their professional dreams seemed to be on completely different paths, at least according to her.  

Was there another reason why she brought all of this up now?  

Was there someone else?

God, he couldn’t even think about that right now.  His heart had already been pulverized.  If he knew there was some other guy waiting for her in New York, he might not ever leave Texas.

[rksunyoung]

I’M SO FRUSTRATED, GOING CRAZY I DON’T KNOW WHY THIS IS HAPPENING I’LL GATHER UP MY COURAGE ONCE MORE AND  ----------    SEND YOU A SIGN, SEND YOU A SIGNAL!

                         may evaluations × twice ; signal × current mood: pull the trigger, piglet

unlike most trainees, sunyoung doesn’t think much about the absence of an evaluation this month. no, unlike most of the others who have taken to panicking in the midst of a surprise evaluation, or something even worse, if possible ( she has come to realize how wild their imagination can run when faced with the unknown ), sunyoung has accepted her fate. if something were to happen, then she would have no other choice than to adapt to it. but if not, then revel in the fact that there is a training god and he is merciful at times, allowing them to go through a month without the looming event of an evaluation.

unfortunately, the former became reality, and sunyoung isn’t surprised in the slightest.

it’s a muted frenzy when the evaluation is announced literally last minute, panic, dread, fear permeates the theater in which they sit, filling it up to the brim with negative energy; sunyoung literally doesn’t have time for that. there’s no use for could of should have would have at this point -- she instead focuses on herself and what she should bring to the stage.

it’s times like this that she’s thankful for her dad blessing her with a surname that didn’t have her become the first sacrificial lamb -- and at the same time, it’s a curse. while nerves doesn’t prick at her as she watches some of the trainees sink ( and her heart weeps at taeyeon, feels bad for the other guy and many others who can’t come up to the plate ) and other swim, she becomes engulfed in the performances and almost forgets that this is an evaluation, not a performance show or something of the sort. she forgets and claps when needed, looks down when she can’t bare to watch any longer, and becomes so focused upon everyone else until--

“park sunyoung.”

-- she is called, with nothing prepared. fuck.

shit shit fuck god damn asshole fuck fuck motherfucking shit. bitch.

the nerves come in full force as lithe legs slowly make their way towards the stage, forgoing the steps and simply climbing onto it with a swift jump ( classy ) before walking to the middle with a slight wobble in her step. the lights are hot and her mind is running a mile a minute and her hands and heart and legs are all an earthquake, shaking with a force that feels like the whole country is about to break away from the asian continent to chill with japan as an island -- when in reality her shivers aren’t all that noticeable. time is ticking and sunyoung is just standing there because what in the entire fuck is she supposed to sing?

                                                                                                                              ( trying to let you know                                                                                                                            sign을 보내 signal 보내                                                                                                                                    i must let you know                                                                                                                          sign을 보내 signal 보내 )

the damn song is the only thing that comes to mind and she refuses -- she didn’t even like the group to begin with due to their lack of talent and kt girls doing cheer up last year was enough aegyo to last a lifetime, according to sunyoung. she begs her mind to give her something else to work with, another song that actually fits her skills... and yet ..

                                                                                                                         ( sign을 보내 signal 보내                                                                                     sign을 보내 signal 보내

                                                                      sign을 보내 signal 보내 )

time is ticking, it’s probably been about 20 seconds of silence from her end, and coughs and anticipation from the judges and crowd and all she has said was a droning “uhhhhhhh ..... “ meanwhile the childish song still plays in her head, and she hates that she it’s the only thing her mind is giving her, but there isn’t much to do about it now.

if she’s gonna sing the fucking song, she might as well give them a show -- or at least have fun with it herself.

from some point, i started liking you you fool why don’t you know my heart?

when are you going to stop being so dumb and only treat me as a friend? ‘cause that’s not what I want

it’s an odd place to start, right in the middle of the song at the main vocal’s entrance, but she doesn’t care. all caution is thrown out the window because this is a song way below her skill level ( she might as well of sung the pororo theme, and she’s actually regretting that she didn’t ), her deep tone sounding a bit off with the high pitched cuteness of the original, but it gets the job done, she supposes.

sending you a sign, sending a signal electric electric electric electric i want you, i want you but why aren’t you reacting?

every time we meet, with all my heart electric electric electric electric i’m waiting, you can see everything but why don’t you know?

embarrassment shows within her features as she starts to do the simple choreography, raising her hands posed as cutesy antennas while she ticks her hips to the time of her voice, throwing hearts every single way as the dance calls for it. she’s sure she can see some of the boys cringing at a 24 year old trying to do the dance of a fresh and sprightly teenagers, and there’s a portion of her that wants to laugh at them. at herself. at this entire situation, especially how the judges refuse to show any type of emotion at her talent show, but she doesn’t.

trying to let you know sending you a sign, sending a signal i must let you know sending you a sign, sending a signal

if i look at you and smile, you should know i’ve already looked at you and smiled so many times today if i keep talking to you, you should feel it i keep staying by your side

too bad that the only part of the choreography she knows is the chorus, because now she’s back to staying still and sunyoung decides to just wing it at this point. when the talking turns into singing once more, voice probably the most stable it’s every been and smooth as it transitions ( it’s hardly a challenge ) she dedicates this song to the judges and trainers up front, giving winks and extra hearts their way while doing body rolls and shaking her hips while not moving too vigorously -- her vocals were supposed to shine through. they might not match the somewhat innocent nature of the song, but if she’s singing it, then she could make it into whatever she pleases.

from some point, i started liking you you fool why don’t you know my heart?

when are you going to stop being so dumb and only treat me as a friend? ‘cause that’s not what i want

she ends upon the same verse she started on, still doing ... whatever she was doing that could be passed off for dancing. sending finger guns towards the each one of the judges as the table before doing it to the crowd, pointing at her heart and pouting with the acceptable line, and doing the point dance one last time before she abruptly ends. that was a minute, right?

nothing else is needed, nothing else to be said as sunyoung simply bows and makes her way off the stage and back to her seat.

[trustmsfox]

The First Six Months

Wow. My little dude is 6 months old. Half a year. 26 weeks. It feels like a bit of a landmark moment so I guess I should record some of the highs and lows that we have been through along the way. When I was pregnant people said things like "Having a baby eh? It's the hardest job you'll ever do" and "It's amazing but so tough." Personally I think those comments are misleading as it's not the hardness or the toughness of the last 6 months that has taken me aback, it's the INTENSITY. If you ask me, having a baby is one of the most intense things you can ever do (I've never climbed a really tall mountain, run a marathon or lived by myself in a foreign country, so I can't compare). It's a relentless, 24 hours a day, overwhelming, always-on, rollercoaster of ALL THE FEELS. I've never felt so many things, from one extreme to another, in such a short space of time. Allow me to elaborate... I'll keep it to the top 10 feels, in the interests of time.

1. Happy

Pure unadulterated joy; I'm not even sure those three words do this feeling justice. The first time I felt this was when my son was born. I may have been drugged up to the eyeballs (well, technically up to the armpits actually as I had an emergency C section) but that moment is burned into my brain and my retina forever. "He's coming out now" the doctor said, I looked at my husband and burst into tears. All those months of worrying and waiting and lugging around my giant distended body... our baby was finally here. There was a second's pause, which felt like an eternity, and then we heard a good healthy cry. I don't think I've ever heard a better sound. It actually brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. "It's a boy!" my husband said (we had decided to keep the sex a surprise) and I blubbed even harder. I would have been happy whether it was a boy or a girl, but the joy of finally finding out the secret our baby had been keeping all along was just magical. Then suddenly our brand new baby boy was placed on my chest and all I could think was "Oh my god he's massive!" I kissed his nose and felt like I had known him all my life. For that moment I will be eternally grateful, as I know not everyone feels like this when their child is born, for a variety of reasons (hormones are a bitch). Unfortunately I then realised I needed to throw up and spent the next 20 minutes doing that, whilst my husband did the fun stuff like cutting the cord and cuddling our brand new baby.

2. Anxious

So much anxiety, for so many reasons. It comes and goes like a shitty nit picky irritating Auntie who keeps "popping in" for a cuppa, uninvited. How much is he supposed to nap? Is he napping enough, too much, how do I get him to sleep??? If I go to Tesco will he wake up? Is he breathing? I know I just checked, but is he still breathing? Will the cat sleep on his head? Will I roll over and crush him in my sleep? Will I fall down the stairs carrying him? Is he still alive (nearly every time I drove for more than 5 minutes with him in the car)? Should I give him calpol? If I give him formula will he be ok? Did I sterilise those bottles already or shall I put them on again? If I drink this glass of wine will it go into my breast milk? What if a I find a spider in his cot? I haven't texted a bunch of people back - will they still be my friends? Will I ever lose this baby weight? I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea. Most of this is totally irrational, but that's just how it goes when you're not getting regular good amounts of deep sleep or REM. It's a fucker.

3. Amazed

The "firsts" really are incredible, but for me the truly amazing thing is how quickly these new skills become normal and then you're onto something new. One minute you're pulling out all the stops to try and get a little smile, next minute you're tickling the b'jesus out of them and they are giggling so deliciously you think you might combust. One minute you're watching them struggle and kick and desperately try to roll over, the next minute you're thinking "Fuck, I need a stair gate, this kid is about to crawl!" One minute you're cursing that sodding creaky floorboard, as you gently place them back in their Moses basket and creep back into bed, the next minute they're in their own room and when you put them down for the night you actually miss them (I’m aware that’s utterly ridiculous but it happens every night!)

4. Helpless

I had this a lot and the feeling intensified particularly after my son developed THE SCREAM. I think THE SCREAM is probably worthy of its own blog post, so I won't go into all the detail, but suffice it to say my son is capable of an eardrum-bursting, blood-curdling, terrifying, horror movie scream that sounds like a piglet being tortured to death. At his 16 week jabs, when he really got into his stride with it, the nurse looked at me and said "I've never heard a baby make a sound like that", which made me feel a bit better as she makes babies cry for a living. My son has other cries, which I can just about cope with, but once he developed THE SCREAM it meant that all other cries could escalate into THE SCREAM at any given moment. I lived in permanent fear of it. Sometimes unfortunately I'd be in a position where I couldn't fix the problem. For instance, being late for a feed whilst being stuck in traffic in the car, or mis-timing a pushchair nap and having to run around trying to get ready to leave the house while listening to him wailing. I can't count the amount of times I felt trapped, helpless and overwhelmed when all I ever tried to do was anticipate his needs to avoid a screaming fit, got it wrong and he did it anyway. Then of course there were times when he just shouted at me for what seemed like no reason at all; they were equally as fun.

5. Exhausted

I once said to my husband "My soul is tired" and it quickly became a running joke because it sounded so melodramatic, but I still honestly think it's the only way I've ever come close to describing the exhaustion I have experienced. It's not like normal tiredness because there's never a Saturday lie in or an early night on the horizon to catch up. There is no catching up. You just have to adapt to running on 15% battery, unless of course you're gifted a sleepy baby, and even then I still think looking after them all day long is pretty goddamn knackering anyway.

6. Love

In one of my darkest times, on the phone to a counselling service, I was asked "How do you feel towards your baby?" I know I was being asked the red flag questions for post-natal depression but my answer came from the heart: "I love my son so much it terrifies me." I think that's a fairly good summation of how intense the feelings can be. Initially you love a little pink squawky thing, which is kind of like the love you have for a pet, because it’s cute. Then, as time goes on, it grows into love for an actual little person, who has their own personality and feelings and stuff. This kind of love is like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, because I love someone who is growing and changing every day, right in front of my eyes. It takes your breath away.

7. Overwhelmed

Every now and then I have these moments where this feeling bubbles up inside of me and I just hit a wall of overwhelmed-ness, if there is such a thing. It usually follows an episode of my little guy bawling his eyes out, or busting out THE SCREAM, but sometimes it just appears out of the blue, triggered by something really small that reminds me how co-dependent my son and I are right now. I am a super independent person, didn’t have a baby until well into my 30s and I’m basically running the show by myself day to day as we don’t have family nearby, so I think this is one of the things I struggle with the most. When you can’t take a shit in peace, when you can’t just get yourself a glass of water, when you can’t hang up the washing, when you can’t leave the house without seven tonnes of shit, when sometimes you can’t even leave the house, it can just feel so immensely overwhelming that you don’t know what to do with yourself. But then it passes, you get your act together and you get on with it, because that’s the way it is.

8. Relief

"He's asleep." These two words are the source of the most immeasurable amount of relief. Whether it’s naps or nighttime, there are weeks and weeks where the sleep is just so hard-won. The feeling of sheer relief when you see their little eyes flutter closed and their arms flop back behind their head is just unreal. For some moments, there might be some peace for both of you, and that is a thing to be enjoyed... while it lasts!

9. Unqualified

The responsibility of it all. Jesus Christ! This feeling is behind the moments I've had where I've just wanted to hand my son to a stranger, not because I didn’t love him or want him, but because I just didn’t know what he wanted and I desperately wanted someone else to tell me what to do. You can read all the books in the world, do an NCT course, talk to your friends with kids, but no one can tell you how your kid works. They don’t come with a manual and I’m still utterly astounded by how completely different they can be, right out of the proverbial box.

10. Smooshy

I don't really know how to describe this one, but it's like when you see a dog with big sad eyes, or a fluffy bunny, or a baby's chubby cheeks, and the cuteness of them bubbles up inside you and you want to bite them and squeeze them and you find yourself doing that baby voice and shouting "Yes you are!" You've all felt that at some point, right? Yes? It's not just me? Oh thank god. Anyway, yes, that. Sometimes when I look at my little boy, I just think he is so goddamn cute I just want to nibble his cheeks and kiss him from head to toe. Gah!!!!

So yeah, the first 6 months have been fairly rollercoaster-y, but much as the real lows have been lonely dark horrible places, the highs have been higher than I ever could imagined. They’ve been these incredible eye-popping, heart-busting, breath-stealing, stomachs-fluttering moments that I will treasure for as long as I live. If the lows were the price I paid for the highs, then they were worth it a million times over.