#thinking about driving thru states I’d never been to even in passing even with my family and how incredible it was and driving thru small

[milo-is-rambling]

So tired rn i feel like my head is flopping around and my neck can’t hold itself up

[kaiwritesgood]

“Object” Assignment

               My parents met on the Washington D.C. Metro – the Orange Line train. Years later, my brother and I would become accustomed to spending 24 hours on an Amtrak train headed from D.C. to West Palm Beach, Florida. In my teens, I forced my friends to pick me up and drop me off at the appropriate Metro station. I had a dormant license as my dad provided me with an endless supply of SmartTrip cards.                I learned at a young age that cars were expensive, insurance was just as expensive, and teenagers could not be trusted behind the wheel. I would grow tired of arguing that, and I’d quickly run out of sources and statistics to support my point, which was that I could be trusted, and I was deserving. My friends were not good drivers. And my classmates frequently got into accidents, documented on the local news.                My 16-year-old-self had no idea I would not receive my first car until age 23, nine months into the first year of the pandemic.                By 2020, I had been living in Pittsburgh for six years, and I relied on the Port Authority (now Pittsburgh Regional Transit) to get me anywhere and everywhere. I had enough practice. And the system was smaller than the one I was used to. But I would soon find that this bus system was riddled with problems.                The bus was frequently late and often a no-show. Sometimes, and infuriatingly, it would come too early. There was only one downtown location for obtaining and refilling a bus pass.                When the pandemic came, I feared these buses more than usual. I refused to use them unless necessary and relied on my boyfriend and his Kia Forte to get me around.                Then my mom called one afternoon.                “Ron’s upgrading his car,” she said. I felt my face light up.

               Wait, I thought. I don’t know shit about cars.                Two weeks, and $5,000 later, I had a black, 2016 Honda HR-V parallel parked in front of my apartment. My first few trips were to the craft store. After that, the grocery store, then my friend’s places, then to the mall, then to restaurants, and even across the state and back. I started to enjoy traveling on my own schedule, picking up my friends, shopping at odd times, even sitting in drive-thru’s became almost “fun”.                But when school and work resumed, I’d soon realize that I really don’t like to drive.                By the end of the first year of ownership, I had been in two accidents, collected a wide range of parking tickets, fell behind on insurance payments, spent a fortune on gas, locked my keys in the trunk, then lost the set of backup keys. Having a car was starting to feel like having a child.                The car provided me with only a level of privacy money could buy and at the same time, it exposed me to a world of new dangers. Being behind the wheel makes me think of all the many auto-related ways people die that I had never thought of before. A moment never went by where I didn’t miss and long for the train.                The car operated on so many extremes; it expanded and limited the places I could go, it was safe and dangerous at the same time, and it felt like it either went very fast or very slow. I felt conflicted about this realization though because I had been asking for a car since I got my license at 17. I almost felt like my complaints had a tinge of privilege in them. I owned one car that was completely paid off, it was even black inside and out like I preferred. I had access to two cars, if you included my boyfriend’s. And in today’s economy, I knew a two-car household was considered a luxury to many people. Here I was, complaining, about having too much.                Even though the act of driving irritated me, I recognized the importance of the car. And after owning it for only two years, I can’t imagine not having it. And maybe the reliance on it is what I resent – the conditions that forced me into driving. America was built for cars and planes, not trains. To an adult who grew up on trains, and religiously watched Thomas the Train, this was heartbreaking.                But I love my car. It’s my first car. And I’ll never have another first car. I’ve customized it. I’ve stuck pins in the upholstery, stickers on the sun visor, and hung keychains from the rearview mirror. I slapped a Maryland crab magnet on the back next to the holographic license plate frame I bought for it from Walmart. There’s French Toast Crunch pieces lodged under the backseat, and a dent in the driver’s side I got when a lady hit me on a side street in Rosslyn, Virginia. My prized collection of fast-food napkins and masks stuffed in the glove compartment, expired library books in the passenger storage pocket, and my Animal Crossing keychain dangling from the rearview (it’s Blathers). It’s one-of-a-kind, an extension of myself.                I can’t tell you how fast it goes, or how many miles are on it without starting it first. I’m not sure what kind of gas it takes, I just know it’s not diesel. It’s taught me a lot about the sanctity of life, and how important it is to be patient, and what people truly mean when they say, “DRIVE SAFE.”                Every day, I remind myself it is a privilege to drive, although it’s treated as a right. There are (not enough) consequences to unsafe driving and the road is a communal space. It is to be shared, not ruled.                Every day, I miss the freedom of the train and not having to worry about parking. Nowadays, I only drive three days a week. And that is more than enough for me.

[purplesurveys]

1177

survey by joybucket

Have you _____ during this pandemic?

Worn a mask? I mean, of course. I put one on even when I’m only picking up deliveries from my doorstep.

got tested for coronavirus? Never. I also hope I’ll never have to go through this, I don’t want a stick up my nose and throat D:

known someone who died from the virus? Personally? Too many people at this point. 

gotten the COVID vaccine? Not yet, but I have many relatives who’ve already gotten theirs, my mom and grandmother included, so at least. I know my employer has a plan in place over the next few weeks or months, so I’m just currently waiting for updates on their end.

started a new hobby? Yeah, I started on embroidery late last year. I haven’t been able to keep it up, but I’m still very much interested and want to go back to it soon. I also plan on getting one or two new Klaypel kits so I can finally replace and throw out the ones Gabie gave to me as gifts.

hated being stuck at home? Yeah, especially during the start when there seemed to be no end in sight. When they heightened quarantine protocols again earlier this month, that also made me feel aggravated about being stuck at home indefinitely since I had already started going out on weekends for self-dates.

worn a mask someone made for you? No one has made a mask for me, but one of my uncles got me a supply of a certain kind of face mask that I didn’t initially use.

sewn your own mask? No.

purchased masks at the store? Not me personally, but my dad regularly buys a supply for the family to use.

purchased a KN95 or N95 mask? Again, not me. But we regularly have a stock at home, along with the blue surgical face masks.

complimented someone on their mask? I don’t think so. I barely pay attention especially towards mask designs.

protested mask-wearing? ????? My name’s not Karen.

complained on Facebook? Nothing mask-related, but I have definitely complained about the government’s negligence and lack of proactivity about this entire situation.

read a book? I started on Midnight Sun which my parents got for me, but I never finished it. I got busy immediately the week after since I got accepted into my internship, and it was also because I was dealing with my breakup and could not focus enough to read for more than 5 minutes.

had an event canceled you had been looking forward to? My college graduation, which I’ll forever stay bitter about.

stocked up on toilet paper? I don’t think so. My parents didn’t believe in panic-buying.

been to the store when it was crowded? I do remember the mall being packed when I went last-minute Christmas shopping. Not to a crazy extent, but there was still quite a number of people.

been to the store when the toilet paper aisle was empty? N/A. We don’t have toilet paper aisles, but all stores have hand sanitizers and temperature checks by their entrance.

lost your job? I didn’t have a job before the pandemic because I had still been a student when everything started.

worked from home? Yup, and still on an WFH arrangement until now.

still had to go to work? I’ve had to go two times, but that was because it was absolutely necessary to go to the office to get the work done. My employer is pretty strict about this anyway and if something could be done at home, they’d decline the request.

went to a protest at your state's capital building? Well we don’t have states so this isn’t really relevant to me. Should a credible org plan a protest against the government though, I’d be interested in going.

watched the news for updates on the virus? We keep the TV on during dinner, at which time the news is always on. Whether I want to or not, I always get updates on the Covid situation in the country.

wondered if you had covid? Yeah, when I got extremely sick in May last year.

not left the house for a week? Way more than a week.

watched YouTube videos? YouTube is pretty much a part of my daily routine, with or without the virus.

spent a whole day watching movies? I’ve only watched one movie since the beginning of the pandemic.

cleaned your house from top to bottom? Not me, but my mom.

ordered something online? Too much crap.

ordered a pizza? I’ve gotten pizza a few times for my family, yeah. I remember ordering from Pizza Hut, Motorino, and most recently, Yellow Cab.

prayed to God?

completely forgotten a holiday that you normally celebrate? Nah, I usually remember when holidays are because that means I get a day off hahaha.

voted in an election? There haven’t been any elections that have taken place since the start of the pandemic.

gotten to know your neighbors? Somewhat. I only say hi to them and greet them a good morning/afternoon when I walk the dogs, but I don’t initiate conversations.

sanitized everything in your home? We always do this, especially when a package arrives for someone in the family.

wrote someone a letter? Started one but never finished because I soon realized it wouldn’t be worth it.

wished this pandemic were over? Don’t we all?

been surprised this pandemic has lasted so long? Yeah, I definitely thought things would be normal by now.

worried about catching the virus? I think the worry exists for everyone. I just wouldn’t say I’ve ever gotten super anxious and panicky about it. I feel pretty resigned at this point and just want everything to be over, so I can finally have the life I was meant to have back.

stayed home because you didn't want to catch the virus? That, and because I was required to stay home to begin with.

been to church? We watch a service on YouTube every Sunday morning.

watched an online church service? ^ Yeah, that’s what I meant haha oops.

been stopped by a police officer? No, but there was one time I was cleaning up Cooper’s tray and there happened to be a village guard cycling by our street, and he just kindly reminded me to put on a mask or shield since I had forgotten to do it.

seen a lot of police cars patrolling the area? No. I would definitely be pissed off if this happened - especially in a residential subdivision - and share a pic on social media to alert everyone about the unnecessary mess that is the police.

had someone cough on you out in public? No. But again, this would also piss me off and I wouldn’t hesitate to confront the asshole who would do something like that.

has someone stand less than six feet away from you while waiting in line? Always. Some people here can still be unbelievably stubborn.

had to use an inhaler? Never needed one.

been to the doctor? Yeah, to have my blood and urine tests examined.

had increased asthma and/or allergy symptoms? I have neither.

felt like you were fighting a virus? Like I said, I got a bad fever sometime last year. Even though I didn’t show any of the common Covid symptoms (e.g. I had wet cough instead of a dry cough), I felt as if I was rotting away lmao. I could barely stand up and I felt like fainting the second I would raise my head.

been diagnosed with the coronavirus? No.

felt lonely? It’s natural.

went somewhere with a friend? Just a couple of times. I went to UPTC with Andi at the start of the year, then back in Feb I went to Perfy’s with several friends, well aware of our ignorance but badly craving for a sense of normalcy for even just a night.

attended an online event? BANG BANG COOOOOOOOOON. Best 8 hours of my life during the pandemic thus far.

had a business in your area close down? Like the people I know who’ve died from the virus, too many.

received a stimulus check? Hasn’t happened.

received food stamps? No, and I don’t think we have that system in place here. The government just lets the hungry go hungrier.

applied for disability? No, not applicable.

applied for food assistance? No, thankfully we haven’t reached this point.

visited a food pantry? ^

had a fever? Just back in May. Hasn’t happened again since.

believed a conspiracy theory about the virus? Cringe, no.

had to take online classes? When the whole world was still at a loss on how to handle a global pandemic, aka early March, I briefly took Zoom sessions for some of my classes. But it proved to be difficult what with many students struggling with internet connections or being stuck somewhere without their school supplies, so my university canceled the sem altogether not long after and gave everyone general passing grades.

ate at a restaurant? I did a few times. I frequented coffee shops rather than restaurants, though.

walked through a drive-thru? I’ve...driven through a drive-thru, but not walk.

had your mask fog up your glasses? Every damn time I get out of the car, hahaha.

had to go to the hospital because of covid? Nope, not for myself or for someone else.

had to go to the hospital for a different reason? For my fever.

used hand sanitizer? At least once a day.

felt encouraged, joyful, or blessed? Now, especially. Things are starting to look up, at least for my own life.

[carrotcakesweetie]

Please, Sit and Stay for a Awhile...

We have all been a victim of it, but yet we all swear we haven't. We wake up everyday thinking we need some kind of morning routine to be more proactive, we watch makeup tutorials and product reviews, we read over endless forums on skincare and hair care and what are the best products and what celebrity uses them. We go shopping for the latest trends and the serotonin from that new outfit you've gotten lasts only about a day or two. We see pictures of girls in wigs, and we bring them to our hairdressers with unrealistic expectations. We sit in the long drive-thru lines to pay for an expensive cup of coffee, that we could have made in the comfort of our homes.

                * I find myself on the floor of the shower one day, unable to bring myself to stand and allowing the hot water to fully submerge my face. A few moments pass, and finally, I take a gasp of air. My mind riddled with these thoughts, almost constantly. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I have been a prisoner here since I was merely 11 years old. The very first year I knew what it felt like to compare myself to other women. It gets a little stale in this prison I must admit, there are so many women here that it's hard to make my way around. Sometimes I bump into women that change their outfit 7 times a day, and I don't think I've ever seen that one red-headed girl without false eyelashes on a day since she's been here, oh yeah! there is that new girl with beautiful brown eyes that I see pretty often but she doesn't eat much of anything. It's kind of impossible trying to make conversation here, sometimes I can't tell if someone is being friendly, or if they are holding a sharp dagger behind their back. Anyways... as I've stated I have been here for many and many years. The strange thing about this prison is that no matter how much time has gone past it's still the same. Different styles and colors every now and then...but the people remain the same. *

- As I stand wobbly like in the bathroom, I hunch forward over my bathroom vanity and give myself a deep look in the mirror and I ask myself why I am allowing myself to remain imprisoned in these thoughts-

                                                   *So Pause*

                In order to take control of my life again, I needed to state some ground rules

As someone who has always been guilty of maybe bending the rules just a smidge, I knew this would be quiet the challenge. However, it's frankly now or never and no in-between. I have already wasted so much delicate time and for that, it is already difficult to forgive myself. Yet I must set sail.

                                                      Rule #1

      Stop Being So Judgemental: Now whether we consider ourselves to be good people or not, we are all guilty of being judgemental in some way or some form. Being judgemental to me looks like this:

Having a preconceived notion about someone or something that you don't understand or don't know right to be true. However your opinion is upmost absolutely certain, and nothing can change your mind. (Point Blank. The END. PERIOD)

Getting past this is not only crucial for your own mental well being, but it also helps you to forge better relationships with people. You are on your way to becoming a much more compassionate human being. My relationship will be thankful for it. My future relationships will be grateful.

                                                         Rule #2

Not Overreacting or Taking Things Personally: This was/is a HUGE DEAL for me. I am guilty of being a tad bit overdramatic you could say, and I had a difficult time not letting things get to me.

Not taking things as personally has helped me to understand that everyone's situation is different and that just because I might think someone has shown me disrespectful behavior, that shouldn't warrant any emotional response. Let's face it, emotional reactions are not that pleasant. It makes things uncomfortable and sometimes awkward. Overreacting at the moment can lead to regret in the future. Though I may be freaking out on the inside, I have found it much more functional to remain calm and unbothered. Though sometimes, this can lead me to seem a little dissociative, I have found it to bring a lot more zen into my life.

                                                          Rule #3

  NO MORE BEAUTY GUROS: This rule is very special and unique to me. This was the most difficult thing for me to swallow. I have made it a personal goal this year, to completely feel comfortable without makeup and in my own skin. Makeup has been nothing but a crutch for me since I was a teenager. My relationship with it is very toxic. This is not unique to me, but like many women, I have never considered myself to be beautiful without it. Whenevenever I started my minimalist journey, the hardest thing for me to part with, was my makeup. Now I am glad to say I am down to one small makeup bag and I'm looking to keep knocking it down.

     Remember this: I am not talking down about the artistry of makeup. I understand many women use it as an art form. I have just been riddled with acne for almost all of my teen and adult life and turned to cosmetics for confidence.

I feel like letting this go will be my biggest challenge to overcome in life (which is rather sad to admit), but even downsizing and progressing to a more natural look,  has honestly done wonders for me. I save SO SO much money, by not frequenting cosmetic stores and I feel SO much better about myself when I'm not burying myself in makeup and skincare tutorials before bed every night, searching for answers I'd never find. It's scary how much I was consumed with always wanting to look a certain way. The truth is, no amount of makeup would ever make me feel complete.

& ALSO MY HAIR-  After graduating beauty school, I thought for sure that I'd like to "FIXUP" my hair all of the time. I used to be very insecure about my hair texture and I often wore it short for that reason.

                 Now You'd be lucky to see my hair brushed, and Honestly, I love it.

                          A little chaos never hurt anybody, but only a little ;)

                                                          Rule #4

GOODBYE FAST FASHION, HELLOW SLOW FASHION: Good quality items Ladies!

Whenever I shop, I like to make sure I know exactly what I'm looking for. I want to make sure my clothes last, they fit well, and they are good for my skin and the environment! I used to ALWAYS look for a bargain deal. The truth is, you're spending less money now to have to replace it with more money in the near future. I like to make sure whatever it is that I buy will be timeless. This means it will never not be in style and I will always have clothes to wear for many, many years to come.

The truth is, that your clothes, your body, and your hair are the least most interesting things about you. Unless fashion is YOUR LIFE don't let it have yours.

                                                    Rule #5

  QUALITY LIFE AND QUALITY RELATIONSHIPS: We all know the famous quote "life is short"

We are always making inspiration boards, Saying "I WISH" way too often, and sometimes even "MAYBE ANOTHER TIME".

Will there be another time? One of the most common things people tend to say on their deathbeds is that they wish they would have spent more time with someone they loved. I don't want to be that person.

I think that sometimes we are so focused on the number of people in our lives, versus the quality of the relationships you already have. How many people in your phone can you call and talk to and trust them to have your best interest in mind? Ok, now how many people do you have stored in your phone?

                             YES, I DECLUTTER MY LIFE IN PEOPLE TOO.

Not everyone is going to add value to your life, and not everyone has your best interest in mind. Whenever you have fewer things bothering you and surrounding you...you start wanting more out of life and turn to the people you are closest to.

These are some of the biggest rules that have helped me with my growth and truthfully finding myself as a woman. I feel like having a simpler approach to life, is the very key to happiness. We as humans like to over complicate things, but who needs the added pressure.  If you always imagined yourself frolicking in a field of daisies on a stormy day, and coming home to a candlelit home in the middle of nowhere. Wearing long and comfortable dresses, and making homemade bread all day. Then you do it! (Maybe that's just me, but I embrace my childlike dreams) Only you are in control of the world you live in. Don't feel pressured to live everyone else's. <3

To whomever is reading this, I hope you at least can take this on with you. Learn to love the way you look (and I mean really look), learn to love both the child and the woman within you, learn to love other women and encourage them to find their true selves, and learn to not pass judgment and hopefully you will inspire someone else to do the same...we are all in search of a quality life.

                                                                     Let us escape this prison together,

                                                                                        Carrot Cake Sweetie

[crowley-anthony]

Tag Game!

I was tagged by @lydsmartin - Thank you so much! ❤️

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? - Black.

2. Name a food you never eat - Mushrooms. Gross.

3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? - I feel the temperature really badly either way. I can get very cold but the heat really affects me and I get too hot quickly so I’d probably say the warmth.

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? - Was in work.

5. What’s your favorite candy bar? - Dairy Milk or Galaxy.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? - Yes, I’m not a sports person at all but when I went to San Diego I went to a baseball game, mostly to see what it was all about as I was travelling across USA at the time.

7. What is the last thing you said out loud? - I can’t even remember, probably signing to my music, I’ve been trying to get through a list in work and put my headphones in to get on with it.

8. What is your favourite ice cream? - One of my favourites is Bacio, which is like chocolate and hazelnuts and I had it pretty much every day when I was Italy.

9. What was the last thing you had to drink? - Water

10. Do you like your wallet? - Yes. I bought a new one recently.

11. What is the last thing you ate? - A vegan chocolate orange coated almond. I bought them earlier as I was intrigued and they’re pretty good.

12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? - Yes, online. Wanted some boots and bought a shirt and a blazer too as I couldn’t stop myself.

13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? - Have literally no idea. 

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? - Sweet. 

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? - My dad.

16. Ever been camping? - Yes. I’m a bit of a scaredy cat at times but I went camping in Canada where there were chances for bears and other wildlife to cross our path. On the first night I needed the toilet at 2am and I was so scared to leave the tent I sat crying for ages haha. I eventually had the courage to go out, otherwise I would have peed myself.

17. Do you take vitamins? - Yes, only because I’m a bit low in some things due to me being ill recently.

18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? - No. 

19. Do you have a tan? - No,  I am pale AF.

20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? - Pizza. I like Chinese food but the Chinese here is not healthy and has tons of MSG in it and I get sick from MSG so I can’t eat much of it.

21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? - I don’t drink soda but if I have it on the odd occasion, usually not. 

22. What color socks do you usually wear? - Black or white.

23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? - I haven’t driven since I passed my test and I don’t have a car.

24. What terrifies you? - Losing close ones.

25. Look to your left, what do you see? - A paper shredder.

26. What chore do you hate most? - Literally everything. I hate cleaning. I’ve just had to defrost my freezer recently which is an absolute nightmare :| Apart from that hoovering (vacuuming) is pretty annoying. 

27. Wat do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? - You’re hot (I LOVE Australian accents).

28. What’s your favorite soda? - I don’t drink soda much but I do love a cherry Coke or Dr. Pepper.

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? - I can’t go through a drive through by myself anyway as I don’t have a car so I go inside.

30. What’s your favorite number? - I’ve never had a favourite number.

31. Who’s the last person you talked to? - Either my mum or dad (EDIT -No, it would have been someone in work but can’t remember who).

32. Favorite meat? - I eat chicken the most but I love a steak.

33. Last song you listened to? - ‘Thank U, Next’ by Ariane Grande.

34. Last book you read? - Does fanfiction count?

35. Favorite day of the week? - Saturday or Sunday

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? - Yep

37. How do you like your coffee? - Milky

38. Favorite pair of shoes? - A staple is my converse but I love black boots, I just bought a pair of faux snake print boots which I’m loving.

39. Time you normally get up? - When I was working in the office it would be around 6 - 6:30am but now I’m working from home it’s more like 7:15 - 7:45am.

40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? - Sunset 

41. How many blankets on your bed? - One.

42. Describe your kitchen plates  - Mis-matched af. 

43. Describe your kitchen at the moment - I only had a small amount of time for lunch today so I have left my dishes so I need to wash them :/

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? - I love cider but recently I have come to love flavoured gin. I’m not hardcore with alcohol, I like the stuff that tastes like sweets haha.

45. Do you play cards? - Sometimes

46. What color is your car? - I don’t have one.

47. Can you change a tire? - No, wouldn’t know where to begin, I’d probably call someone lol.

48. Your favorite state or province? - I’m not sure about a state as a whole as I live in the UK but when I visited the USA My favourite place was probably New York.

49. Favorite job you’ve had? - The job I have now. I help manage a team, the place I work is great and they have been so great since working from home.

Tagging: @bartonclinton, @gracechoi, @springmagpies, @ofitzsimmons, @jemmafitzsimmons, @sabs1d, @agentreeb

[allybeardsleycamoshirt]

50 questions

I was tagged by @fineosaur thanks dear this was entertaining

what is the colour of your hairbrush? bright orange

name a food you never eat? I do not love fish despite being from a place well known for seafare. pass. 

are you typically too warm or too cold? cold all the time, baby. i will lose circulation in my toes for no goddamn reason

what were you doing 45 minutes ago? hopping off a zoom call and clocking out of work early

what's your favourite candy bar? probably almond joys

have you ever been to a professional sports game? yeah but nothing major league because I’ve never cared about sports enough for someone to bring me to one. I went to local minor league games sporadically as a kid.

what is the last thing you said out loud? I probably have talked out loud to myself and forgot but the last thing I said to someone else was “bye have a good tour” to my coworker

what is your favourite ice cream? i had the best ice cream i’ve ever had this summer and it was burnt honey with pear and ginger. but that’s fancy shit. if we are talking what I keep in the freezer then probably dairy free cookies and cream. or matcha mochi. 

what was the last thing you had to drink? i’m drinking throat-coat tea rn bc ~*~*I might be getting sick*~*~

do you like your wallet? well enough. it was a graduation gift (high school graduation, so I’ve had it quite a while). it was more my style then than now but I have no reason to get something new.

what is the last thing you ate? lunch: leftover dal and roti that I made last night

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? nope. I need to get rid of some clothes before I buy anything. tis the season for turning out my closet. I’ve also been trying to only do online, secondhand shopping OR buy sustainable/organic/ethical clothing when I can

what's the last sporting event you watched? I haven’t the faintest idea lol I really really dislike sports. I think I was actively watching some world cup matches while I was in spain two summers ago. 

what is your favourite flavour of popcorn? something cheesy and/or herbal

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my mom! she just texted me that she was watching New Moon and analyzing every line which is literally my favorite hobby

ever go camping? I used to as a kid but now I prefer to air bnb instead of roughing it when I hike and honestly it’s more because I love air bnbs than a dislike of camping of any kind

do you take vitamins? I try to remember to take a skin/hair/nails supplement. lately i’ve been taking vitamin c and zinc to ward off illness but idk if that’s working out

do you regularly attend a place of worship? nah i don’t even do it irregularly

do you have a tan? no. even when I do it can barely be considered a tan. I am so white I’m nearly translucent, I freckle out in the summer and burn when I’m less lucky

do you prefer chinese or pizza? chinese!!! although I appreciate a well-made pizza very much.

do you drink your soda through a straw? I don’t drink soda

what colour socks do you usually wear? usually black but I have lots of multicolored wool socks as well

do you ever drive above the speed limit? yes but not very much, speeding makes me anxious

what terrifies you? idk man. everything and nothing all at once

look to your left, what do you see? my bedside table. it’s refurbished to the original wood and used to belong to my great-grandfather. it currently houses my tea, a lamp, various lotions, a scrunchy, gold hoop earrings, hair scissors, and a tv remote

what chore do you hate most? probably taking out the trash. or scrubbing the tub because it never pays off as well as I want it to

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? Australia...lol sorry dumb b*tch answer

what's your favourite soda? I don’t really drink soda - it was a weird, furtive decision I made as a 7 year old never to drink it because I vaguely knew it wasn’t good for you...and also I didn’t like carbonation. now I’ll drink it in a cocktail I suppose, or I’ll drink non-American sodas just for the experience

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru. damn i want fries

what's your favourite number? 7!

who’s the last person you talked to? my coworker

favourite cut of beef? idk really but fancier cuts are nicer to cook with in general

last song you listened to? I Know A Place - MUNA. can’t get enough of that one recently. gay girl bands only.

last book you read? I just finished Saturday by Ian McEwan

favourite day of the week? one where I am not working

can you say the alphabet backwards? I can do the first bit but then i lose interest

how do you like your coffee? english breakfast tea, one sugar and a dash of almond milk

favourite pair of shoes? my birkenstocks

time you normally get up? 6:50 on weekdays, not much longer on weekends

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? I haven’t seen enough sunrises to really make a decision. perhaps sunsets because they are more accessible to me lol

how many blankets on your bed? one thick duvet, throw blankets on top as needed

describe your kitchen plates? most of them are white and square

describe your kitchen at the moment? slightly more kept than usual

do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? cider and natural wine are my go-to. but lately i love a homemade aperol spritz. and a gin & tonic anywhere is great

do you play cards? not consistently but yes. I get very competitive but also it takes me a long time to grasp a new game

what colour is your car? burnt orange

can you change a tire? I’ve never done it myself but I think I know how to?? I could probably figure it out. however I probably wouldn’t try to do it myself unless I was totally stranded

your favourite state? Maine - my home state/where I live. Maybe I’d like Washington/Oregon more but I haven’t been yet

favourite job you've had? running a women’s/gender resource center

im gonna tag: @thelandofnothing @lightninginabottle0613 @go-catch-a-chickn @greeneyedwildthing

[miggydiaz]

I was tagged by @thugheadjones. Thanks, dear! 1. what is the color of your hairbrush? White, with a gray handle that has since been dyed purple due to my hair

2. name a food you never eat: I hated broccoli as a kid, so I tried it recently as an adult... it still tastes like what dirty socks smell like so I’ll pass, thanks.

3. are you typically too warm or too cold? Too cold -- I am a hoodie in the summer kind of person.

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating a breakfast so late that it crossed over from brunch to lunch.

5. what’s your favorite candy bar? Uh... I’m not really a candy *bar* person. I like sour candy more, but I guess if I had to choose, something dark chocolate. Just not a Mounds because I hate coconut.

6. have you ever been to a professional sports game? A couple of baseball games. Both of them the Tigers won! (this is unusual, as the Tigers typically suck)

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?  “How do I get this stupid thing to go away?” It was a sign-in banner on my word document for OneDrive.

8. what is your favorite ice cream? Orange Sherbet, or uh, coffee/chocolate chip cookie dough. It really depends on my mood.

9. what was the last thing you had to drink? Coffee

10. do you like your wallet? Yeah! It’s this bat wing clutch one from Blackcraft Cult. Plenty of card space, the license spot isn’t a pain in the ass... it’s a good one. 30 bucks well spent.

11. what is the last thing you ate? Waffles.

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope. I basically refitted my wardrobe this year though.

13. what’s the last sporting event you watched? Uh... oh, a Michigan/Ohio State football game two years ago? Michigan lost, just like they have the last million years. I gave up on football after that.

14. what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? Just a normal butter popcorn. Or I like popcorn covered in toffee.

15. who is the last person you sent a text message to? @starryeyedagony. It was a link to the Johnny Lawrence himbo video.

16. ever been camping? Once! It was fun, I’d do it again.

17. do you take vitamins? ... I know I should, but no.

18. do you regularly attend a place of worship? Not even a little bit. Not even at all.

19. do you have a tan? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Ha. Ha. No. Never.

20. do you prefer Chinese or pizza? Two years ago, I probably would’ve said pizza. Now I’m all about Chinese.

21. do you drink your soda through a straw? In restaurants? You guys remember restaurants? But no. I actually prefer canned soda.

22. what color socks do you usually wear? black. 90% of my sock drawer is black.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit? I haven’t drove in years, but when I did... yes.

24. what terrifies you? Bees and all of their horrible cousins. Bumble, honey (I know they are good, I don’t kill them, I just run away) wasp, hornet, yellow jacket... basically, if it is black and yellow and flying then I am GONE.

25. look to your left, what do you see?  My bookcase, reminding me that I should be finishing up this critical analysis of formulaic violence against women in pop culture, but YA KNOW.

26. what chore do you hate most? Cleaning the tub is up there, but I do dishes more often, so I hate that one the most.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? The old Foster’s beer commercials.

28. what’s your favorite soda? I like pomegranate italian sodas the best. Mainstream wise? Probably Squirt or Sprite.

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Plague means I don’t go inside anymore, but it used to depend on whether or not the drive-thru line was too long.

30. what’s your favorite number? 13. Yes I am an overgrown edgelord. I was also supposed to be born on the 13th though, so there is that.

31. who’s the last person you talked to? @starryeyedagony over our brunch/lunch

32. favorite meat? Probably chicken these days. Unless I’m eating chinese because my go to dish anymore is mongolian beef.

33. last song you listened to? Uh, Come Little Children while watching Hocus Pocus. But I’ve had this Wear a Mask parody of Be Our Guest stuck in my head all day (thanks for reminding me that I have to start Season 2 of TLK though!).

34. last book you read? Darkness at Noon by Arthur Koestler. I’m finishing up Superwomen: Gender, Power, and Representation by Carolyn Cocoa

35. favorite day of the week? The day I don’t have to worry about this election bullshit anymore (I am keeping that answer because this election cycle has me so drained, can it just be November 3rd already?)

36. can you say the alphabet backwards? Yep. I can sing it backwards too.

37. how do you like your coffee? Hot, in my favorite mug with my initial on it, with some vanilla or hazelnut flavored almond milk.

38. favorite pair of shoes? My purple-black glittery converse.

39. time you normally get up? Somewhere between 9 and 11 depending on whether it’s a week day or a weekend day.

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? Sunsets for sure (because I’m awake to appreciate them)

41. how many blankets are on your bed? I have one fuzzy blanket, one knit blanket, two down comforters, and a quilted velvet coverlet. So, 5 altogether.

42. describe your kitchen plates? white. Corelle. Google tells me the pattern is called South Beach. It has teal dots along the rim.  

43. describe your kitchen at the moment: Cluttered. There isn’t enough counter space in the world for all of my kitchen appliances. Probably warm since @starryeyedagony is making pork mole right now.

44. do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? I can’t really drink anymore (thanks heart condition!) but it used to be whiskey, neat, or in a whiskey sour. Or a glass of pinot grigio.

45. do you play cards? I’m decent at poker/black jack, but card games like Uno and Phase 10 are a different story.

46. what color is your car? I don’t own one. My roommate’s car is maroon? A dark red.

47. can you change a tire? I haven’t in probably 10 years, but yes.

48. your favorite state or province? To be quite honest with you, if it wasn’t for the people, I would love my home state of Michigan. I don’t live there anymore, but even though Detroit gets a bad rap, I miss my home <3 But outside of that, Minnesota was really pretty, and I actually like Florida (again, minus the people). Probably Florida since I’ve been there more than Minnesota. 

49. favorite job you’ve had? I used to work in this movie/video game/music resale shop that I loved. All of my coworkers were cool, we always had fun at work... aside from that though, I loved working holiday retail at Williams-Sonoma when ours was still open, and I actually really liked my most recent job at the university. I’m hoping I can go back (laid off... THANKS COVID) once they’re allowed to hire again.

If you want to, I’m tagging @starryeyedagony, @magicknightblue, @poloniumicecream, @magnetic-rose, and uh, anyone else who wants to do this.

[kittybellestark]

Hi I’m having sad boi hours so I thought I’d write Peter going thru it too. Idk man

Trigger warning: thoughts of suicide

Peter was having a really good day. A great day even. Today was going perfectly, even better than expected.

First he woke up before his alarm. And he felt fully refreshed. So he made breakfast for himself and May (cereal, but with fruit on top, that he cut himself). And then on the way to school he found $50 just laying there. There was no one around when he tried to find the person who lost the money. Flash was also sick today, so that meant a torment free day, which was just exciting, and the lunch lady even gave him an extra meatball!!

Everything was going great. Overall a super good day. Until his heart twisted and his stomach dropped and Peter felt empty. He was two seconds away from crying and the world felt heavy. For no good reason. Peter kept a smile on his face, and laughed at all the appropriate times, but he was tired. Emotionally exhausted.

And there was still so much more day.

He was supposed to go to the lab and work with Mr. Stark. Today was also a patrol day, he’d already finished all his homework.

But Peter couldn’t do it.

Peter needed to go home. And lay in bed. Sad boi hours have hit him. And they’ve hit really hard on what should be a great day.

The world was out for him. That had to be the only explaination for the sudden turn of emotions.

So Peter texted Tony.

Hey not feeling right today ,,, gonna go home instead sorry. :( see you Friday instead.

Tony sent a thumbs up, and Peter was glad that his absence wouldn’t affect his mentor any. But it just felt like another stab through the heart.

At the end of the day when Peter was leaving Midtown, head phones on, and hood over his head, choosing to wait until everyone else cleared out before leaving, he was surprised to see Happy making his way to him.

“Did Tony not tell you that I’m going home?” Peter asked instead of greeting the man like usual.

“Well, I’m already here, so I’ll take you home then.”

“I don’t want to bother you any, Happy. I’m sure you got better things going on in your life then picking up some kid from school.”

Happy looked Peter over, surprised by the words out of his mouth. Peter -while overly apologetic- loves to chat Happy’s ears off. It was a red flag for sure if the kid is already feeling like a bother.

“A thank you will suffice next time.” Happy responded with a snort and an eye roll, trying to get a reaction out of the kid infront of him.

“Oh, thanks.” Peter’s voice was flat and void of any emotion, which was opposite of the smile he held on his face.

Happy walked to the car, and Peter followed behind, getting into the backseat. Once Happy settled into the drivers seat, he looked into the review, starting the car, but making no effort of driving.

“What, suddenly you’re too good to sit in the front seat?” Happy tried again.

“Sorry, I can sit up there if you want, you just normally say that I’m supposed to be in the back. Figured I’d save you the breath today.”

Peter didn’t make any moves to go switch seats so Happy decided to drive anyways. It was weird that Peter was sitting in the back, he never sat in the back unless Tony was also in the car.

“You okay, Pete?” Happy finally asked.

Peter’s eyes filled with tears, needing to be blinked back. Peter sat there for a moment before deciding on an answer. He was lucky happy didn’t see his watery eye.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good, just not feeling too well I guess.”

Happy nodded, deciding that to be the end of the conversation.

Once they reached Peter’s apartment, the car had barely stopped before Peter was getting out, with a whispered thanks.

Every step up the stairs, Peter’s body felt heavier and heavier. His lungs felt tights and his heart hurt so badly. Thinking was hard, like the thoughts were stuck trying to move through sludge. Existence was too much. The world is heavy on his shoulders and all Peter wants to do is go to sleep and never wake up. He’s tired, tired, tired, tired. And living hurts.

As Peter unlocks the door to the apartment, he remembers that May is working until 3am, and that he’s alone. Again. He’s so alone. And that thought hurts just as much as the thought of being with people. 

Why can’t he just exist in the same way other people do?

Peter drops his bag at the front door, kicking off his shoes. He should probably eat something. Peter knows that he should definitely eat something. But that sounds so exhausting. How can he make food and then chew food and swallow food when he just wants the world to swallow him whole? Even water, drinking water just sounds like so much work. His whole body is heavy and he’s tired and so fucking sad. Peter wants to cry, he feels like he should cry but that is so exhausting he can’t even manage that.

He’s lucky he makes it to his room. He’s lucky he had enough energy to strip out of his own clothing. He’s lucky he’s able to put on his comfiest pjs. He’s lucky he didn’t crumble when he first walked into an empty apartment.

Peter makes it to his bed before his legs give out. He’s only half on the bed, but it’s enough for now.

It feels like everything under his skin is itchy and wrong, begging to be soothed. Peter’s brain won’t shut off, but won’t hold a thought either. Everything is hazy and the world only exists in blurs. Everything felt twisted and heavy and stabbed. Peter could feel his heart in his throat, could feel as if someone was choking him. Existing hurts.

Peter becomes aware of the world again some hours later, the blurry haziness now only a little fuzzy. He rubs the tears he didn’t realize he cried off his cheeks. He’s still in the same position and everything feels like too much, but there’s someone in the kitchen.

He should probably investigate. He wonders if the person will kill him. If he makes it look like enough of a struggle it won’t look like giving up, will it? Peter shakes his head to get the thoughts out. He doesn’t want to die. He just doesn’t want to live right now. There’s a difference.

Opening his bedroom door and shuffling out to the kitchen, blankets all wrapped around himself, he finds Tony. Tony is singing softly to himself and he cooks in Peter’s kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” Peter asked. Even to himself, his voice sounds detached, like it doesn’t belong to him.

“Happy was worried about you. So I thought I’d come make some chicken noodle soup for you. Chicken Noodle soup makes everyone feel better, it’s a law. But if that doesn’t help any I can make my famous hot cocoa.” Tony smiled, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. His heart heart seeing the state Peter was in.

“Oh.” Peter turned back around, planning on going back to his bed.

“Woah, woah, woah. You’re not going back to your room. I’m much more interesting than anything that could possibly be in there. Let’s go, chop, chop. You’re going to help me cut these veggies.”

Peter stood there, looking at Tony like he’s insane, before turning back around and making his way to the kitchen, sitting down at the breakfast bar, where there was a small cutting station already set up. He continued to stare at Tony, who gestured for Peter to start chopping.

“The chicken noodle soup and the hot cocoa we’re going to make later and very important family recipes from the Carbonelle side. They’ve been passed down a few generations, and when you’re older, I’ll pass them down to you. Whenever I was having a bad day, Mom would always bring me down to the kitchen and have me help cut all the vegetables for the soup. So I’m doing that with you now.”

“Mr Stark. No offense but if it’s family recipes you should keep them in the family. I’m just the intern, you should be saving that for when you have kids.”

Tony stopped what he was doing, seeing how Peter was focused on the work infront of him. His face was red, and there were tried tear tracks down his face. He had big dark bags under his eyes, and every movement made looked like it too all the energy out of him. Peter looked exhausted in a way no kid should ever look.

“Peter, kid. You are family to me. Sure you aren’t biologically my kid or anything, but I care about so much it hurts. Maybe I’ll have kids of my own one day, or maybe I won’t but you’re always going to be my kid too. You get the fun family recipes and inheritance if I die. I’m going to share these traditions with you because you’re family and I love you, kid, even if I don’t say it a lot, I want you to know it.”

Peter’s face crumpled in on itself, and he dropped the knife on the counter. Peter sucked in a breath trying to stop himself from the inevitable. Tears started racing down his cheeks as he sobbed right there in the kitchen in front of his mentor. In front of his father-figure.

The world crashed down on the one thing that was holding Peter together. It sucker punched him in the gut and stole his breath away. Everything in him snapped and fell apart. It hurt, and took everything in Peter. Peter’s whole body shook and ached. His heart twisted and twisted and twisted more.

Arms wrapped around Peter, as if trying to put the pieces back into place, trying to work out the puzzle that is Peter Parker. They held on tight, and lifted Peter right out of his chair. The arms brought Peter to a chest and Peter’s head rested on a shoulder as he cried and cried and cried.

Tony started to hum, causing his chest to vibrate against Peter. He rocked back and forth, holding the teen tight to him, allowing Peter the ability to be vulnerable with him. Holding Leter close. Tony ran his finger’s through Peter’s hair hoping to bring comfort to his kid who needed it more than he’d ever admit.

Tony held his kid who needed comfort and love and someone to be vulnerable with when he felt like the world was too much.

[angel-deux-writes]

50 questions

I was tagged by @agirlnamedkeith :)

What is the colour of your hairbrush? Orange

Name a food you never eat: Mushrooms. I just hate ‘em. Also don’t like seafood!

Are you typically too warm or too cold? Probably too cold, but that’s because being too warm bothers me more. So I’d rather keep my heat set at like 62 than risk being too warm. It’s much better for my eczema.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? I think probably putting another load of laundry in? I’m trying to tidy up because my sister might be coming to work from home here later, and I have been living in a mild mess for weeks lmao.

What’s your favourite candy bar?  Reese’s. Does that count as a bar? Let’s say yes. The eggs in particular!

Have you ever been to a professional sports game? I used to go see the Red Sox sometimes as a kid, once in Tampa Bay while we were on vacation. I went to see FC Barcelona play while visiting a friend (real talk: I probably would not have gotten on that plane if not for the fact that I really, really loved FC Barcelona at the time lmao. it was great to see my friend again, but I was terrified of going on vacation alone in a country I’d never been to! I didn’t even speak spanish at all before that trip! When I hyperfixate I will do ANYTHING lmao). I’ve also been to DC to see Barcelona play (terrifying. tiny planes. would not recommend. It ruled, though, and I got to take my brothers, which was nice). And several times to see Brazil’s national team play at Gilette, which was much easier, because it was like 20 minutes away from my house.

What was the last thing you said out loud? some variation of “oh for fuck’s sake” because I thought the dudes doing my neighbor’s basement renovation had stopped drilling, and then they picked back up.

What is your favourite ice cream? cookie dough of some kind? though I’m also a big fan of anything black raspberry.

What was the last thing you had to drink? coffee!

Do you like your wallet? I do! It was a gift from my mother, like, five birthdays ago? So I probably need a new one, but it’s cute. 

What was the last thing you ate? .......i had a fruit roll-up. I’m turning 31 in a few days, and the last thing I ate was a fruit roll-up. 

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? I can’t remember if it was this weekend or last weekend but I DID order a shirt from Redbubble that says “anders was right” lmao

What’s the last sporting event you watched? it was probably a Red Sox game? I used to watch them with my dad back when I could, you know, hang out with him without fear of passing a deadly disease to him and my mom!

What is your favourite flavour of popcorn? butter, tho that caramel corn I always get at Christmas is nice too.

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? My sister to tell her that the dudes next door are STILL DRILLING and that she might want to rethink coming over.

Ever go camping? Nope! Hate even just the idea of it. My dad goes camping with his childhood friends every year, and every time they describe it, it makes me want to die.��

Do you take vitamins? Nope! I used to, but then i ran out, and I haven’t bought any since then. I used to take fish oil pills because my dermatologist thought it might help with my eczema, but it didn’t. 

Do you go to church every Sunday? Church? what’s that?

Do you have a tan? Never in my life. I am very pale, and turn red very easily. I’m slightly red right now because I spent maybe an hour hanging out on my parent’s deck over the weekend lmao. Also I’ve been going on a lot of walks lately, so I’ve got a lot more freckles on my face than I used to! 

Do you prefer Chinese food or pizza? Chinese food. Shouldn’t eat it, because I am allergic to soy, but I accept the stomach aches that come with it.

Do you drink your soda through a straw? Not anymore. I did when I had invisalign, though. I wasn’t supposed to drink ANY sort of soda or coffee with the invisalign in, so I was like “well, what if I use a straw”, and I never got yelled at by the orthodontist, so it must have worked. 

What colour socks do you usually wear? I almost exclusively wear socks from Sock it To Me, so they’re all sorts of patterns. I also have a lot of Star Wars socks, because one of my Christmas gifts for the past few years has been a sock advent calendar! 

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? I’m from Massachusetts, so...... yes.

What terrifies you? Everything? I’m gonna go with lava. I really hate lava.

Look to your left. What do you see? My phone.

What chore do you hate most? Washing dishes. It’s gross, first of all, and the eczema constantly on my fingers means that the extra hand-washing is literally painful.

What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? lately? @slipsthrufingers lmao

What’s your favourite soda? Probably cherry coke?

Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? Drive-thru whenever possible.

What’s your favourite number? 15

Who’s the last person you talked to? My sister and her boyfriend as I was leaving their house, probably?

Favourite cut of beef? idk man, I just eat whatever is put in front of me.

Last song you listened to? Something from my Outrun playlist.

Last book you read? GENUINELY cannot remember. Reading has not been fundamental these past few months. I started Michelle Visage’s book, let’s go with that.

Favourite day of the week? Friday, probably

Can you say the alphabet backwards? Probably if I think enough about it!

How do you like your coffee? with creamer in it! 

Favourite pair of shoes? A pair of converse with rainbow bottoms, I think. I also have a pair of gray boots from American Eagle that I love.

Time you normally get up? I used to get up at 4:40, but lately it’s been 7, because I don’t have to commute anymore lmao.

Sunrises or sunsets?  Sunsets!

How many blankets are on your bed? Currently none, because i’m washing my sheets. Usually 3-4

Describe your kitchen plates. Some of them have apples on them, some of them are plain with a green border, and some of them are easter plates with rabbits!

Describe your kitchen at the moment. Teal, small, and messy!

Do you have a favourite alcoholic drink? I love a mojito. Also just...whiskey? of any kind?

Do you play cards? I prefer not to!

What colour is your car? Teal-ish blue!

Do you know how to change a tire? I certainly do not

Your favourite state? probably Massachusetts? I haven’t ever lived anywhere else lmao

Favourite job you’ve had? One summer I worked for my dad’s friend putting stickers on envelops and folding them and counting them and putting them in bigger envelopes, and I fucking loved it. Just mindness nonsense. I guess this job is good too, because I actually get paid and have benefits, but editing tech reports is VERY boring.

How did you get your biggest scar? I had one on my knee for a while that finally went away a few years ago, but it was from falling off a jungle gym at school! There was a gap that was slightly too big for my elementary school body, and I fell probably like 6 feet and landed hard on the pebbles that were scattered beneath it! A few of them were embedded pretty deeply in my skin, and there was this gross flap that was hanging open. They ended up replacing the rocks with sand because of me lmao. But now I guess it’s probably just my biopsy scar from back when they were trying to figure out if my weird rash was eczema or something worse! It’s never really healed right!

I’m not sure who else has been tagged so i’m gonna hit @slipsthrufingers since I already tagged her in this for the accent question lmao

[ella-se-vuelve-loca]

Chapter 6

Grand Masterlist , Series Masterlist

Wanna be tagged for future fics?

@apla-o-eaytos-mou​ @pretendcnco​ @joelitos-baby​ @chellybear98​ @boundtobreakk​ @cncogirl18​ @ericksmamita​ @prettymuch-cnco​ @pizzaspirits​ @cncoaddicted​ 

Previous Chapter

I know these chapters have been kinda shit lately lol but please, bare with me. I’ve never written a series before awsedrf anyways, I’ve written the rest of the chapters and I can’t wait to share them with y’all! I hope you guys enjoy chapter 6! x

~~

“Joel, you’re making a big mistake.”

“If you really like someone, you shouldn’t give up on them so easily.”

Richard just doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m not making a mistake –  I know what I’m doing. Sure I feel bad about this, but this has to pay off in the end, right?

I have to be honest with myself though… (Y/N) is actually pretty cool and funny. If I wasn’t doing this, then we might actually be great friends. I do wonder how long this little thing will last though. I don’t want to drag her too deep and have her fall for me because then that would be cruel… I mean, what I’m doing right now isn’t good either, but this is different.

It’s been a couple days since I’ve last seen my group of friends, but it’s definitely been a couple of minutes since I’ve last spoken to (Y/N). We’re currently playing Battleship through GamePigeon on messages.

Chime

‘Oh you little fucker. You’re cheating somehow >:(’

I smirked and wrote back to her, finishing my turn. Sinking, yet again, another one of her ships.

‘You’re a sore loser :P you just suck at hiding your shit from me’

I laughed at her comments and continued beating her at this little game we’re playing. “Joel?” I looked up from my phone and saw all the boys’ faces on me. “Hmm? What?”

“We’ve been talking to you for the past couple of minutes. Who are you texting?” Erick asked as I noticed Christopher had a knowing look on his face. “Uh just a friend..” I quickly put my phone in my pocket and cleared my throat. “Just  a friend?” Zabdiel asked, wiggling his eyebrows up and down playfully. “Oh my – ”

Chime

I didn’t dare look down at my phone as they all waited, looking at me with anticipation. “… You gonna get that?” Richard asked. He especially cannot know about (Y/N) and what I’m doing. I shook my head and patted the phone that rested inside the pocket of my jeans. “No, I’d rather talk to you guys.”

“Dude, it’s okay. No need to get embarrassed.” Richard smiled. “We’re just teasing a little.” I nodded at him as they got back to what they were talking about. I waited a few minutes before looking down at my phone.

‘Aha! Gotcha! I finally found another one of your ships!’

I chuckled and wrote back to her.

‘So? I know where your last two are ;) prepare to accept defeat’

We continued texting each other until Yoandri decided to call me. I excused myself and walked out of the room until I knew no one could hear me. “Hello?” I asked. “Hey! It’s me.” I heard him say. “Hey.” A smile immediately plastered itself onto my face. “How are you, bro?”

“I’m doing okay. I’m just out with Johann and Sam right now getting some food and we were wondering if you wanted to join? It’s totally cool if you can’t or are not feeling up to it. You’re not obliged to say yes.”

“Oh uh..” Quick! Think! I would love to go, but the whole reason why I’m even going out with (Y/N) is so I don’t seem too available. I have to make it believable somehow. Doing this will make you-know-who want to spend more time with me. “You know what? I’m.. actually busy right now. I’m going out with someone later on today and I have to get ready.”

“Hey, it’s no problem!” I heard him chuckle and shuffle in the background. “Yeah, I’m really sorry man. We can hang out later on in the week?”

“Joel, it’s no big deal haha I get that you’re busy, so don’t worry about it... who are you meeting up with?” Innocent question, but I can’t quite tell him the whole truth. I could hear him chuckle on the other line as he waited for my answer. “What? Uh no one.. it’s just a girl I’ve been seeing..”

“Oh my God you finally got someone?” He exclaimed. “Scream it out for the world to hear, would you?”

“Oh come on! This is big news! How can you keep this from me?” He laughed. “It’s not a big deal.” I chuckled. “Does anyone else know about her?” I shook my head and almost forgot that he can’t see me. “Nah, just Chris but that’s about it.”

After a few minutes of him trying to pry more information out of me about her, he hung up the phone as I stood out into the hallway. I bet (Y/N) would be willing to go out today. She’s probably free anyways.

‘Hey, you wanna get dinner together later on? x’

I sent her a text and received one in return moments later.

‘Aahh I can’t today :( lol sorry! I’m having a night in with my girls :) x’

Well then.. there goes those plans.

‘When can I see you again? x’

‘Patience is a virtue, Pimentel lol I’ll let you know soon. x’

‘I’ll be patient for you, princesa. I’ll wait. x’

I don’t know why I called her “princesa”, it just slipped out. Hmm… I’m sure Chris is willing to go out. I walked back into the room where the rest of the boys were and walked up to Chris. “Hey man, you feel like going out right now?” I asked as he smiled. “Do you know me? Of course.”

The rest of the boys didn’t seem to mind that much as their attention was on the TV screen. A game of Mario Kart was being played. “Oh my God Erick, you really suck at this game!” Richard exclaimed as he made a sharp turn. “Ay cállate! I’m trying my best!” Erick laughed as his character bumped into Zabdiel’s. “Hey hey hey! Ten cuidado - me voy a caer!”

Christopher laughed, stood up and put her jacket on. “Vamanos.” He mentioned over to the door and started walking. “Ayo! When you guys are out, do you think you can bring back some food?” Richard asked as he passed the finish line, coming in 3rd place. “Sure thing. Any requests?” Chris asked as Richard shook his head. “I’m not picky.” We walked out the door and made our way towards his car.

“So, where do you feel like going?” He asked me as he started his car up. “No where in particular. Maybe we can just go out for a drive and we’ll see.” He nodded his head as we left.

“How have things been going with that girl you’ve been seeing?” He asked. “(Y/N)? It’s okay right now, she couldn’t go out today so..”

“Oh, I see.” He chuckled. “I’m your back up plan.”

“What? No, I – I didn’t mean..” He laughed and shook his head. “Dude, it’s fine. I don’t mind.” My face turned a bit red from embarrassment. “What’s she like?” His question caught me off guard. “What?”

“I’m sorry, but ever since I found out about her, I’ve just been curious of who she is.” He smiled. “Uh.. well.. I don’t know much about her yet, but I know she’s very sweet and really funny.” I said as I thought back to our text messages earlier. “One of her favorite drinks of Café de Olla, she wants to travel but her job doesn’t pay much so she hasn’t been able to go out in a while.”

“Where does she work?” He stopped at a red light and waited for me to continue. “At a HomeGoods somewhere around here. I bumped into her one day when I was there buying my stuff I needed.” I talked about her for a few minutes more, stating the facts that she’s told me on our coffee date a few days ago as realization now settled into my brain of how much I actually know about her. I guess playing 20 questions paid off for this specific moment.

“She sounds like a nice girl.” He smiled as he drove up to a Popeyes drive-thru. “Yeah, she is..” I guess I must have been paying attention to her more than I thought. Christopher started to order the food while I looked down at my phone. Maybe I just felt bad about doing this that I thought the least I could do was listen to some of her stories. Yeah, maybe that’s it.

He drove up to the next window, paid with his card and grabbed the food they handed him. “Have a good one.” Christopher smiled at the lady as she returned his smile. “You too.” He handed me the bags as the smell of chicken filled the air in his car.

“I wonder if Erick finally won a round of Mario Kart.” Christopher laughed as he started driving off. “Probably not, but I guess we’ll see when we get home.” I chuckled and looked out the window.

“Hey, Joel?” I turned to look over at him. “Yeah?”

“About (Y/N)… I’m actually really happy for you, bro. You know, to be in the puppy love stage in the beginning of a relationship is the best because everything feels new to the both of you.” He stated. “I’m happy that you found someone. I hope I get to meet her one day.” He smiled. “Yeah, I uh.. I guess we’ll just see.” I’m sorry, Chris, but I don’t think that’s gonna happen… I have to remind myself that she’s not the one I want. There’s someone else…

Next Chapter

[ckcker]

Fear of Being There

The scientists put 3D glasses on a cuttlefish I read in an article, which I pair with the unread email from a friend of twelve years sitting one tab away, it appears to partly be a link to some video.  Feeling brave, I gather speed and push to the open email, purposefully ignoring all of the friend’s written message to zoom into the thumbnail of the video link they shared with me, which shows on one side of the thumbnail the shocked open mouth of a drag queen reacting to what I assume to be the most heinous transgression.  On the other side, a porcupine’s needles blasting from inside the mid-section of what appears to be a burmese python.  “How could this scenario have ever happened,” I ask myself as I don’t click, then scan the message written above the link:

“are you still in Kansas City??”

“I saw our high school English teacher walking in the park with a huge clump of moss stuck on her ass, I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a long time”

“Carrie is in NA now and I never see her.  also I adopted a dog”

“I’m sad I haven’t heard from you in a long time but I respect that you are just doing your thing, doing what you think is best for you, I love you.  enjoy this video of a drag queen screaming as she watches a porcupine impale a boa constrictor from the inside, it really made me laugh.  It’s not real”

“I would love to visit some time if you’d have me, I would love a long road trip, no pressure.”  

All I ever felt towards this person was worry; they were frequently to be found painfully descending the valley of some knotty, unlubed parabola.  Suicide often seemed on the table though it was never openly discussed, and what was discussed and unburdened between us never seemed to offer this person any relief.  But, I had not seen them in almost two years — still, I worried.  The gristle of sympathy.  Though now I could only think this person a bit stupid for not electing revenge as the only compatible solution.  They wallowed, tried to make inroads on the community around them, multi-tasker, all I did was worry, wonder if there was no chance for them.  On my better days I in fact stopped worrying because I resolved to believe that there was no chance for them.  On worse days I used to encourage them to online date, to take classes in some technical craft and escape minimum wage, incredibly coming from me who has yet to escape minimum wage, I bloated them with the most despicable general advice most likely invented by some phantom community and popularized by rotating day time talk show cryptids.  I surprised myself, the self-help industry deluge came spilling readily from my own mouth, I had no other advice to give. No effect.  I had no idea what could help someone, I did not respond to the e-mail, the scientists put 3D glasses on the cuttlefish to study if it uses stereoscopic vision to hunt, love that.

I responded to the email by going out for a long walk.  The walk proceeded as planned.  And then, in front of my eyes, the glistening juice of a misdirected frappé bronzed itself on the sunlit sidewalk.  It was June.  The person who bought then dropped it when attempting to give their companion a lil sip seemed one or two involuntary grunts away from the most amateur keening. We did not know each other and passing by I said nothing, in another hour and a half it would be sunset and that was the daily alarm for my worst and most stupid memories.  

Walking without a plan for a couple miles had led me to nothing specific: a popular cafe with drive-thru option, and the entrance to some truncated nature preserve with an ample parking lot, that I barely observed.  The humiliated and frappé-less melody of the forlorn customer began to spread over my shoulder, I averted my gaze from the nature preserve to treat it as if an attractive face I was intimidated by.  The only use for such a pathetic nod to wilderness in an urban area should be frequent alien abduction.  I knew better than to hope for that, I was not a good multi-tasker and did best with a single plan of attack.  And I already had a good plan, through subtle make-up I was looking older by the day (more like the month).  Pretty soon I would dye my hair grey.  I considered it was something the young people of the era liked to do and not for the reason of appearing aged.  In fact, more than anything this coalition of young and old visual signifiers increased the proof of their wrinkle-free faces and accentuated the domineering stylistic awareness inherent to youth in a, unnaturally long energy-sucking sigh, capitalist country.  I continued to high step forward like a finickety markhor in a fugly mood. Then, finding myself facing a hard-to-cross state highway I concluded, “oh, haha…ok, ah……that’s fine” and turned back towards the unused nature preserve parking lot, “I am almost too far away from home anyway.” I sat on a curb on the side farthest away from the road.  Looking across the street I saw that the customer and friend had started to kiss.  A simple solution to the loss of the drink.  His body turned awkwardly, I allowed myself to espy the torque of the male’s twisted cargo short pocket and felt very little.  I was turned away from the forest preserve entrance, at sunset I would have the executioner’s urge to once again survey and prepare my Doha nights.  

The arrival of sunset did not derail my day, but it always succeeded in sequestering my concentration so as to remember that, perhaps, time — I felt fully sick of telling myself about it.  I would prefer an obsession more traditionally fun, there was something about the way the eyebrows (with near-unibrow between) met the sharp lines at the top of the hyrax-like nose of Q.C.’s gradually-hot-to-me face.  I did not spend too much time thinking on him, I had little control over my eyes when in his presence. Worse, attempting to appeal to him would mean calling off the whole ambitious deterioration project, which was fully under my control/the best path forward.  I did not spend much time thinking of him when not in his presence and the collective shimmy of maple tree leaves in the breeze appealed to my left side as it carried on through the row of trees behind me.  A sparrow bopped around the swath of thick grass to my right and was not interesting at all.  I knew I felt this about the sparrow because I turned away from it quickly.  Finally I rotated towards the nature preserve entrance.  Was this an opportunity for me to snag a poesis?  I wanted to be home in my bed alone.  I also wanted to pretend to be thriving, inspired and free.  I wanted to try to see the world for the first time again.  

I got up and started towards the forest path with the confidence and direction of the professional managerial class.  To appeal to Q.C. would involve a gravitational u-turn, I would have to cut my hair better, with more style and intention, I would have to once again attempt to wear clothes that mostly fit my body, with careful monitoring of the area where jeans could be hit firm with zested glute.  I would have to invest much mental analysis into determining how to embody his desire.  I would have to keep emphatic track of my body language and reactionary expressions when near him so as to appear at least some low level of confident and laid back.  The antithesis of an angry errant stump, sucking vengeance through an ancient straw lined with obsidian spikes that clacked ominously against dentures I did not need.  I could not appear as “depressed for two.” Again, and worst of all, I would have to deselect the only source of direction for the future, my only true idea for satisfaction: the pursuit of my literally new age.  My only chance to repair my original timeline, by controlling my own time.  The old tension between wanting badly to be noticed and desired by others, and wanting that definition of freedom which is the refusal of all external attention, both approval and disapproval, in order to bring about the most contained stability — of course that tension ran me ragged once again.  That wan zit, it really seemed scripted at this point, I worked very hard to send it to the background.  My body clearly sensed this when it activated the release of an ear wax ball the shape and weight of a gently used cheek piercing stud.  The feeling associated with its premiere and gruesome launch was similar to just catching the last concrete appearance and subsequent fadeout of a semi-interesting-but-ultimately-unremarkable ghost of a 52 year old coffee mug.

I entered the forest, which began with a layer of joyless mulch.  The opening of the trail had dimensions so wide even the most sexually depraved plant had little chance to gak its repressed gropeage on a passing body.  I looked up as I walked, realizing the only animal likely to be spotted here, at this time of day, would be a bird.  Perhaps I might see a hawk or turkey vulture.  My survey resulted only in the very soft swaying of stacked green branches in front of striated and unremarkable clouds.  After watching this gentle tableaux for about thirty seconds, I wanted to more than violently shake an in-his-prime Ansel Adams, ask him what in the unconscionably labyrinthine fauxhawk I’d just seen. Would he have looked twice at this sky — my glance still directed upwards, I heard its scabrous chirp before I saw it, and then I saw it and immediately hated its presence: a sparrow had landed on an oak branch forty feet above my head and wanted to stay there.  I refused to let it observe me, turning to it I suddenly screamed in the timbre of an aggressive synth orchestra hit.  Continuing my walk after compartmentalizing its non-reaction, I wondered how I might make these natural surroundings matter to me.  They made no inherent argument that profoundly engorged the fun bags, perhaps because I was generally hooked into things by chaos, aggression and arguments, not by continuity or bucolia.  I could identify the simpler trees at least.  Of course pines and maples were easy, birch too.  I could usually confirm oak and cherry through guesswork. Otherwise I wandered through a forest in a skein of unskilled silence, in some beta-level abyss that was never fact-checked.  I didn’t know if having the names of mosses and wildflowers and mushrooms made it easier to appreciate the woods I forced myself into.  That I recognized and questioned such absences in myself was part proof that I felt a large component missing in the ongoing construction of respect for humble surroundings, and part recall of an inherent tendency to not care much about my own construction.  Against the spirit of the times, I spurned the concept of “personal development,” both in the thought directives I gave myself, and in the level of base inertia and hatred of fitness that exposed me as down-low sirenia.  “Personal development” — I did not trust the idea.  But moderate walking was acceptable to me and I continued to walk.  All trees beside me were suddenly activated by a quite beefy breeze from inside the forest.  Mood was present.  And along the audio effects of the wind in heavy leaf-covered branches, I thought I heard a rustling in a different tempo one-hundred feet further along the path.  A clench shuttered my body.  Once, I was reckless.  I entered badly lit hotel rooms brimming with silhouettes of animatronic movements.  I took pills handed to me, only asking after I swallowed them what they were (bottom tier migraine medication).  These days nearly any situation outside my apartment brought the inflamed trance of cautious thoughts.  Where I seemed to hear the sound I saw nothing but the continuation of breeze, and felt fully the irregular welts of my prey mentality.  

But I did not turn to exit.  The introduction of humidity into early summer pumped a new game in me anyway, the godforsaken thirst for some swell of “possibility.”  Against my addiction to titanium cowardice, flicked this vague and acidic proposition for adventure — that most rancid word of careerist travel influencers and successful stunt doubles.  Heavy hot air seemed to ferment a perennial wildness of feeling that, in other weather conditions, remained neatly veiled in self-suck.  I hated that I could still be easily infiltrated by this hormonal illusion of “anything can happen,” despite all my malevolent associations with the phrase.  It was important to make a list of all the things that are possible. “Anything can happen” was a sloppy mantra full of menace and probably popularized at some point in the late 20th century to sell mini frozen bagels with pizza toppings.  The list of all the things that are possible is the list of most crucial truth, it is a list that serves as sublime prep for someone who has been through the full consummation of “anything can happen,” when the thing that happened was a mind-shedding, unmentionable thing.  I knew the culture at large was heavily against such a distrust of possibility, as the concept suggested monumental change and always for the better — the potential of fortune.  I also knew it was against the cosmetic grafting of extra skin to make what I suddenly decided to refer to as ‘my boys’ look especially wrinkled and saggy.  I stood still and surveyed the way partial sunlight glazed on and off the nearest bush of presumably poisonous berries.  I briefly turned around and took in the forest entrance in the distance, and beyond it the suggestion of abridged midwestern meadow, now also washing in and out of sunlight with an unpunished laze, that I felt very unused to.  Nowhere else in my life, to which I paid attention, obeyed that kind of rhythm.  This statement was immediately wrong and a direct contradiction of my slow motion lifestyle.  I allowed the statement to stand because its wistful gush was enjoyable, roughly spiritual, and juicy.  

It brought thoughts of a nightmare I once had that eventually, through sustained lack of action, curdled into just a dream, a dream that had a trolled atmosphere of never-ending.  A dream that felt three years long.  A nightmare-incubated dream that appeared seven months after that moment of apex possibility and only the second dream after.  

There was a group of us.  We were in a house, we didn’t know we were in a slasher movie, we had thought it was a self-liberation biopic.  We were pursued by a presence we did not expect.  But every time there was a shot of the killer, the killer had been deleted in post.  Only a tense and expectant camera followed us around, and we screamed at empty spaces at the top of the staircase and in corners of rooms.  Dissonant music accompanied us, which, now knowing we were in a horror movie, we expected and rolled our eyes at. But we never saw the killer and nobody ever died.  

I also remembered the first dream I had after the event, it was very short and involved me waking up at 7am to give a dog one cup of dry food.  The density of hanging leaves in the forest began to inch a feeling of haunch and ceiling overhead, the light landing on the settled foliage only in splatters of rhapsodic dag.  The inevitable feeling of being alone in the woods, despite the steady wash of faraway highway motors, is intimacy with something.  You believe you are not being seen, when small and mundane animals see you, it means absolutely nothing.  With a bear or mountain lion in the mix, at last you will truly feel “seen.”  I was in a freely neglected and shrunken nature preserve on the edge of a midwestern city, I did not think it was possible to be seen by a bear and so I did not feel like I could be noticed.  Thus I felt intimacy.  

The content of that intimacy had zero intellectual value.  It was only the comfort of being fully hidden, safe and alone.  I was impressed by how much thick cover the trees supplied since the preserve itself was state park theater.  The trees hid me from the sky, repressed my existence from something that could watch me.  I basked.  I thought of the substantial bulge of an older male in tight-fitting jean shorts.  In this context of feeling unseen, it seemed the thru line of my consciousness in bringing up such an image was the keyphrase, “something hidden.”  The intimacy began to retreat as a counter.  Again, my head disenrolled me from a healing terrestrial feeling; it looked at nature with vast inexperience, it pursued a perspective of mountainscape print out.  I tried to recover the hypnotic sap of that momentary solitude and continued walking. Of course the interruption of erotica in mind is one of the more iconic nature moves.  And yet for some reason it seemed to unravel the hallmark atmospherics of a more investigative mystery.  Such a divide was proven by watching my pivots of attention between two tickles.  For instance, on one side, direct observation of a boner. The other side, fog covering an empty island highway at night.  I thought I knew well the narrative arc of a priapism, and I thought I did not yet know much about the carnage in my seeping memories.  It seemed obvious — of the things that controlled me, I prioritized with meaning the one I did not know much about.  And instinctively, being alone under thick canopy felt like good setup for that kind of self-irrigation.  I thought of the bulge again then saw another sparrow and after it reasonably bopped about for a skoach I suggested to it, “get away from me fuckface.” Again it did not move.  

I walked several paces off the path and leaned against a definite oak trunk, wondering if my old person stage makeup was still intact, glancing towards the voyeuristic rays of sun slipping through the trees, well diffused and beginning their noticeable descent.  I listened.  After approx. twenty seconds of listening I heard the long-churning spew of a motorcycle gunning down the road about a quarter mile away, somehow powerful enough to overwhelm the peaks of forest ambience with its quite rascally discharge, hunh, the streaks of horrific classic rock revival spraying after it.  I thought, “stop subverting me,” then felt the newly introduced stance of someone in my peripheral vision.  They did not advance or retreat but did fidget.  Probably, I could not be sure without glancing directly, pretending to look up something on their phone.  They seemed about fifteen feet away from me, I considered if I would have to kill them in self-defense.  

“How’s it going?” a man’s voice directed at me from the trail, giving me permission to look at him directly.  A balding but well-maintained buzz of greying black hair, glasses, a thin white-yellow-green-black button down tartan print department store shirt tucked into leather belt and loose fitting blue jeans, the eye eventually and uncontrollably being led down to the neon pink, orange and yellow running shoes with white laces low-key dusted in a sampling of diaphanous schmutz.  My “hi” was squeezed out with full defenses.  The man did not say anything back but immediately enacted some plan of his, made obvious in his eyes that pressed on my face with an unmistakable singularity. He pursued unbroken eye contact to evaluate the potentiality of the interaction. I responded by looking away, remembering it was a powerful move in the game. I also refused to believe he thought me attractive enough for whatever in-development future passed through his turgescent nethers.  As a mature adult, I was no longer available to rawk out with my cawk out but clearly the cast of desperation on the man made it possible for me to appear sexually acceptable, as evidenced by his not leaving.  Nor did I imagine that he produced much foregrounded desire in an m4m community; lastly he probably stayed because he was closeted.  I tried to maintain an appearance of clueless indifference, comparable in chillness to deciding to write ‘U R’ in a text message the same moment you observe a plastic bag fly in the wind towards a sleeping stray cat. Since the man did not leave or say anything, I also waited another 7-10 seconds in silence and downward glance.  Yet this tactic, usually so effective in social settings, had failed, and so I looked at him again.  And again the charged stare of non-verbal magic.  The humid air was beginning to slightly cool as the wind filled the space between my collar and neck, suggesting it might rain soon.  But behind the man’s head the sun, flanked by fleshy lard-swept clouds in various indigo exposures, was still visible.  I hoped if the increase in gusts continued that they might produce a temporary bald spot on the crown of my head as I said, “why are you looking at me?”

He did not immediately respond, but severed all links with my eyes.  I watched his glance minutely dart from one close location on my face to the next, “do you have makeup on?”

Each generation, freer than the last. The man did not know the answer for sure, but that he had noticed something was confirmed.  Very exciting, I beamed internally.  I controlled the beam.  There was still so much work to be done.  

Towards the man I projected breathtaking displeasure.  I assumed the keyed up tone of someone wanting to be regularly shared on the internet: “I’m just trying to enjoy the forest on my day off sis so don’t—” and shut off inexplicably, though recognizing as the system recoiled that the implication of this man’s advances had lightly cracked some automated timecode in my lower lefthand corner of frame.  My body — I had only felt it all of a sudden.  Shoulders were arched forward to protect my underbelly, chest was swollen and stuffed with the debris of a delayed reaction of terror, single inconsistent tingle in left leg suggested the tiniest strobing marquee aimed at the brain, suggesting “run.”  I had thought, this is not a dangerous situation at all.  A little unusual but not something I haven’t experienced before.  Something I could refuse and easily walk away from.  

The body had behaved differently.  Sunset mounted.  The body had believed it was going to die.  I hadn’t even noticed.  Internal monologue always suggested much to investigate when looking for a solution, it presented long interconnected hallways and sliding doors, considerations of escape and tactical movement.  It berated the body for not reading the situation correctly or at all, it hated the body’s spontaneous and inept mechanisms.  It relished any reference to the phrase “bassackwards” but in this case the body was right.  If I was to be killed by this person was still up in the air, I leaned towards no, but the body had not been reacting to my imminent death, only suggesting how relaxedly I pretended to advance through commercial district sidewalks, gas station candy aisles, cruisy chip bag-strewn forest preserves as if I’d never been reorganized by some sort of adaptation of death in which you survive. There was much work to be done, much work, to make the hair of my eyebrows more profuse and unkempt.  My nose hair, which was way too thin and manageable, samesies.  It was with the failure of a deep breath that the gauze of that summer sunset coaxed me back into the scene, despite the marquee now reading “Run II: Darkest Before Dawn.”  The man had not known how to respond to my ejection from the clapback.  I took stock, the forest appeared momentarily still and squirrelless.  His energy seemed as if grappling with the possible realities of what I was.  If crazy, at least in the way that interferes with verbal communication, I was no longer an option in his “mmm………damn”-ridden design.  If crazy but able to continue clear conversation, or if so shy as to appear only intermittently awkward in conversation with strangers, I was still a highly available mark.  

“Do you like it here?” he asked.  It seemed that micro makeup and abandoned sentences were not considered dealbreakers for someone in his position.  My body continued to want to leave and I stayed, he took a few steps forward, staring again with that binary intensity where the recipient must commit to its endgame or flash exit.  

A strap broke in me: I suggested, “I hate it here.”  The comment reached him. He looked as if to be re-processing me under a blank face but maintained his slow approach.  I was answering his questions coherently and so I was incredibly sexy, perhaps.  “I’m not doing well,” I followed up, using a long-acting smile-to-smirk succession in an attempt to muffle it.  

This was ignored, “I’ve got a pretty big one,” silence, breeze, sunset, wow — squirrel, “what are you looking for out here, alone?”  

Silence, squirrel, “you know where you are, right?”

Breeze, trees, sunset, reggaeton in the distance, instinct erupted — I stepped forward. “It’s not yet time for my annual anal,” my voice cracked.  “In fact, it won’t happen this year, or ever again.”  

A pause was produced, though it was clear he didn’t quite grasp my meaning.  I stood still, now staring at him in order to properly knead the info.  Finally a look of understanding on his face — “oh, I’m sorry” and he exited back up the trail, all spells dismantled.  

I remained in the woods.  I looked at the squirrel.  I even yearned to see a sparrow, uninterested in knowing why.  I allowed the intellectual regulations to rest, I listened to the joyous pump of prancing squirrel feet on twig-bedazzled forest floor.  I looked at the sunset, while blocking the word “beautiful,” and liked it.  I walked to the path, turning away from the exit with the rush of a recently liberated preteen spray-painting an anarchy symbol on the door of a rusty abandoned sedan next to discontinued freight train tracks that are overgrown with weeds and yellow wildflowers.  I wanted to walk deeper into the woods, I wanted to be in the woods when it got dark.  I wanted to be alone and without a mind.  Knowing it was untrue, I nevertheless proposed to myself, “I think I could cum just from being alone for 3 weeks.”  After a feisty fifty or sixty steps around the curving path, I met chain link fence separating the forest from a row of backyards and their respective single family homes.  I thought of the cliche of an evil character in a kid’s movie laughing maniacally for some time then very suddenly stopping to present a severe and unamused face.  It surfaced as a whimper.  

[valentinaonthemoon]

I was tagged by the sweet @2minutes2midnight​ to answer these 50 questions. Thank you very much! 

What is the color of your hairbrush? Black

Name a food you never eat. I’m weird and I hate the bitter taste of turnip greens. I wish I didn’t, but I can’t stand it! Hopefully some future cook will make me change my mind.

 Are you typically too cold or too warm? I’m fine most of the time, but I suffer the cold more, I think.

What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Singing karaoke alone like a mad woman.

What is your favorite candy bar? Kinder Maxi and Kinder Cereali. I also like Kinder Pinguì a lot!

Have you ever been to a professional sport event? On my first year of high school we went to an award show and we saw the paralimpic team playing basketball: it was pretty awesome! I never went to any sport game voluntarily, though.

What is the last thing you said out loud? I said goodnight to my dad.

What is your favorite ice cream? Chocolate. And sometimes strawberry.

What was the last thing you had to drink? Good old-fashioned water.

Do you like your wallet? Yes, it’s quite comfortable.

What was the last thing you ate? Focaccia.

Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope!

The last sporting event you watched? I don’t really watch sports, but I remember some years ago I used to find old ice-dancing competitions on youtube and watch them for fun. I also loved watching football (or soccer) with my dad when I was little, because I always cheered for the opposite team and it was actually fun. If it counts, they’re showing “Captain Tsibasa” on tv, which is an anime about football.

What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? The normal one?? Idk I’m not really a popcorn lover. :/

Who is the last person you sent a text message to? My best friend.

Ever go camping? No! Bugs! Ew.

Do you take vitamins? Not unless I’m ill and my doctor tells me to.

Do you go to church every Sunday? Yes, sometimes.

Do you have a tan? Last summer I actually actively went outside for work so I was excitedly tanning! I even burnt my legs! I’m so pale.

Do you prefers Chinese food or pizza? My love for pizza is infinite.

Do you drink soda with a straw? Nope.

What color socks do you usually wear? Any colour is fine! I would love to have more crazy socks, actually.

Do you ever drive above the speed limit? Not unless the speed limit is 50km/h and it’s a provincial road, like??? That should be illegal. At least increase the max at 70 km/h!!! SO MANY CARS KEEP PASSING ME AND WHAT CAN I DO???

What terrifies you? Suffering. Wow, we’re being real this evening.

Look to your left, what do you see? My phone, my water bottle, my notebook, some post-its, the door to my room, and the wall.

What chore do you hate? I like chores unless there are spiders involved.

What do you think of when you hear Australian accent? If this was a word association game I’d say: beaches, surfing Santas, beautiful sea, Mike’s Mic my name is Mike, “Cleo! No!”, Chris Hemsworth, and then I start thinking of that Kiwi dad from youtube who says that Australians stole the Pavlova cake from New Zealand.

What’s your favorite soda? Coca Cola.

Do you go into fast food place or just hit the drive-thru? It depends on how much in a hurry I am and if I’m with somebody else.

Who’s the last person you talked to? My dad.

Favorite cut of beef? I have no idea.

Last song you listen to? "Always Ascending” by Franz Ferdinand

Last book you read? I started reading “The Ocean at the End of the Lane” by Neil Gaiman, but I’m on a reading slump!!

Favorite day of the week? Right now they all feel the same.

Can you say the alphabet backwards? No. I saw a film recently where a character had an accident and they tried to keep them awake by asking them questions and one of them was “Say the alphabet backwards” and I was like: “what if they don’t know the alphabet backwards in their ‘normal’ state???” At the end I didn’t really like the movie, but for other reasons lol

How do you like your coffee? In tiramisu and nearly nowhere else. I can’t drink coffee because it makes me anxious and miserable.

Favorite pair of shoes? My white 12cm high heels shoes!

The time you normally go to sleep? I’m trying to go earlier, but I can’t get tired before 1am. ://

The time you normally get up? Between 9.30 and 10.30 am.

What do you prefer, sunrise or sunset? I love sunsets.

How many blankets in your bed? Two or three.

Describe you kitchen plates. They’re yellow ochre glass, but my favourite are smaller and white porcelain.

Do you have favorite alkoholic beverage? I like Marsala in sweets and with apples, but I really don’t like alcohol.

Do you play cards? I play Uno with my mum sometimes! My grandpa taught me Briscola, and I love that game. The last time I saw my other grandpa, he beat me at a game of Scopa, though. It was glorious. I miss him.

What color is your car? The car I usually drive is blue.

Can you change a tire? I mean, theoretically yes, although it never happened.

Your favorite province? The city I was born in is pretty cool. Surely a better province than where I live now.

Favorite job you’ve ever had? I liked every job I ever had for different aspects. The only job that gave me Nothing in return was working in retail in a supermarket. 

How did you get your biggest scar? I fell from the bike when I was 8.

What did you do today that made someone happy? I’m not really sure, today was quite a dull day. :///

I’m going to tag @pollodigitale and @lifewithoutcosette, if they don’t mind. Of course you don’t have to do this!

I hope everybody is having a lovely day, please receive a warm hug from me if you need one 💖

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Meeting Roman Godfrey

Chapter 2

Warning: cursing.

Author notes: establishing these two dynamic. The calm before the storm if you will. Lol.

“I can honestly say that I’m jealous.” Roman mumbled as he stared in wonder at myr Uncles’ home. Walking around touching the original furnishings, and admiring the extensive art collection that was everywhere you looked, in some form or another.

My uncles home had been designed by famous architect frank lloyd wright and was dramatically built on top of a waterfall, giving it the suitable name of “Falling Water”. It was as famous for its genius design, as it was for being owned by a reclusive antisocial billionaire that didn’t allow journalists, photographers, architects or anyone for that matter near the home, let alone photograph it.

I think, the waterfall is annoying,the kitchen impractical,pretty much had no storage space, was constantly in need of some major renovation or repair, and was as close to living in a fish bowl you could get. I’d never admit any of those things out loud, because it truly was beautiful, but deep down I hated living in the famous home.

“I’m just shocked you drove all the way out here. I figured for sure you’d see how far it was and be like pass.” I said trying to draw some attention from the home.

“He recognized the address.” I spun around to find my Uncle standing by one of the homes many staircases.”hello Godfrey. I bet you’re beside yourself to finally have a look inside.”

“Absolutely, sir. It’s an absolute honor to be in your home.” Roman said politely.

I looked at him incredulously. He was known for being a pain in the ass and a brat, but maybe he was just smart and chose his battles. My uncle was as famous for being an asshole as he was for being a genius, but it seemed as though they knew eachother. “So I guess you two know eachother?” i asked. 

“Since i can remember. your Uncle loves to tell me to go fuck myself on the regular. Well not since I tried to buy this house right before....” Romn trailed off as he seemed to get lost in some distant memory...

“What happened to your cousin Letha?” My uncle asked. Strange for him to even ask personal questions, let alone remember names (even if it was my name too)

“Uncle! It might be polite to ask him how he is first...” I huffed.

“I dont care about his emotional state. I care about how a perfectly strong healthy girl died so suddenly and then it just went away.” he analyzed Romans reaction, but there was none. my Uncle liked to test people.

“brain or blood vessel burst in child labor. I was there. So much blood... then she was gone.

“Uncle!!! Are you seriously...”

“No need to defend me Letha.” Roman interjected with a pleasant smile, “your Uncle is one of my favorite people.”

“Did I ever tell you how not just one, but two women ended up with your terrible name?” he asked me with one of his mischevious smiles. “in Greek it translates to forgetful, and considering you’re not forgetful in the least its ironic. Marie and your mother both hated Olivia, and bonded over that mutual hate. Marie was so taken by your others charms, she named Letha after you the following day.”

I looked over to Roman and he was staring into me. i glanced away to my Uncle, who was watching Roman wth a strange smile on his face. He was acting kind of strange, even for him. I’d better get Roman out of here before he hates me. 

“. Come on out here with me and we can chat you two. Letha grab me a ginger ale and get Roman a water since he’s driving.” my Uncle ordered.

I agreed and hurried to the kitchen and watched in curiosity as the two notoriously difficult business tycoons seemed to be enjoying one another  out on the terrace.

I hadn’t planned on inviting Roman in, but he had been so obviously enamored by the famous home, that i couldn’t refuse when he’d politely asked to see it. Normally a guy asking to see inside was a question with shady intentions, but the pure wonder on his face had proven otherwise.

Now i didn’t even know what to think about my Uncle being his version of kind to Roman. Uncle hated visitors. I wasn’t totally sure how much he liked me even. I felt like I was in some alternate reality 

I grabbed the drinks, put them on this fancy tray and carried them out to the terrace. It was just nearly dusk and this was one of the prettiest times to see the house, when it was all lit up like a lone lantern in the thick forest with the dramatic waterfalls, and otherworldly feel. 

It was kind of silly that the house was the view, instead of the house having a view. And ironically, the house was so hidden away on 1700 acres up a long winding road, behind a massive gate, with full time security, that nobody really ever got to view it.. Uncle has grown tired of people just showing up or seeing flashes in the woods, so he hired this crazy security company to keep everyone out and monitor all the borders. Hardly anyone ever made it thru now. It was private, but extremely isolated and lonely.

“I’m surprised you’d take interest in Letha.” My uncle said, eyes narrowing obviously oblivious I was right behind them. I held my breath and didn’t move a muscle. I wanted to hear this.

“Why? She’s a beautiful girl.” Roman chuckled.

My heart warmed and stomach fluttered a bit. OH HELL NO Letha. Keep that shit in check.Hes gorgeous, and tall, and sexy, and charmng, and smelled nice, and could hold his own with your uncle, but hes also famous for bedding every woman in his path.... 

“Frankly her breasts are too big for my taste, they seem like a handicap more than an asset, but that’s trivial and shallow. She’s too smart and she doesn’t listen for shit.”

“I had noticed that actually...” Roman said thoughtfully.

“Which part?”

“All of it.”

I cleared my throat, so I didnt hear anything else wrong with me. “Drinks guys.”

Roman hopped up to help me but I signaled him to sit, as I served them their beverages. I could feel his eyes on me, but was careful not to look at him and notice.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” My uncle said. I was gonna punch him in the face, hes such an ass! god I love him.

I burst out laughing and looked at Roman who was 3 shades redder and forcing an uncomfortable smile.He isnt that cool, he does get embarrassed, thats better.

My Uncle started to laugh but winced. “Ouch. Shit. Fucking neck.” He cursed as he was reminded laughing wasn’t allowed yet. He hardly ever did laugh so it wasn’t really an issue normally.

“You’re my favorite person in the world Uncle.” I meant it too. He’s always been there for me, and when I heard he’d hurt himself and may need my help, I dropped everything, hopped in my car and drove the nearly 3000 miles to his house.

It’d taken nearly a whole day to get permission to pass the guards. They were new and usually my uncle came to see me. I’d only been to this house one time when I had graduated high school more than a few years ago. With me going to University, my uncle no longer had to live in the city, so he came here.. Something about the house and town was unsettling to me.

“Well considering the competition, it’s not much of a compliment.” My uncle said dryly. “One day you two should compare notes and see which one of your mothers is the more despicable creature.”

“Is it ok if I take Roman on a little nature walk so he can see the house in all its glory?”

“Go ahead. I’m gonna go to sleep shortly but no hanky panky you two.” He said with a mischievous grin.

Now it was my turn to be red. I turned to Roman and he was already up by my side. I took his hand and walked to the floating stairs that led to the ground floor. I was sure to walk slowly so he could take in all the house had to offer.

“Beautiful.” Roman said under his breath.

“Oh my gosh I know! Can you believe they built this out in the middle of nowhere in 1935? Can you imagine? And it hasn’t been cheap or easy keeping it perfect like this. A few years ago they had to rip half the house apart and reinforce it because the terraces were sagging. Uncle spent like 11 million dollars that time on engineers and architects and materials. He was not letting it go, and I don’t even think the whole house is worth that, but when he likes something, not hell nor high water can change his mind.”

“I wasn’t talking about the house, although good to know.” He smiled at me almost shyly.

“Are you trying to be adorable? You aren’t shy, and yet you’re acting almost sweet.”

“You’re so weird. You just spit out whatever you’re thinking don’t you?” Roman challenged me. Super cocky confident Roman returning.

“Omg you’re a peacock. Look at you preening about, puffing up your chest.”

“A peacock? Really? What does that make you?”

I had to think about that for a moment.”I’d have to go with a honey badger I think.” I said.

Roman choked on his water. I pat him on the back, giving him a moment to catch his breath. “Why is that such a shock?”

“No reason.” He tried to look innocent but I could see thru his shit. “Why did you choose it?”

“Well I’m resourceful, fearless, I don’t listen, I prefer my own company, no one can keep me contained, and snakes don’t intimidate me.”

“Ya?” Roman got very close to me and wrapped his arms around me looking down through long lashes. He oozed sex appeal and I could see how all the girls fell all over him.

I reached up and booped his nose. “Boop.” I giggled hysterically at his facial expression.

“What was that?” He asked confusedly.

“Shut. The. Fuck. Up. No one has ever booped you in the nose? That’s crazy! You have the best looking nose I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ve never gotten that one.”

“Well that’s cuz most women are probably trying to be sexy and mysterious with you. theyre not being themselves. Boop. Ok last one. Sorry. I barely know you, I can’t go booping you all over the place on our first date, you’re a nice Christian boy...” I said sarcastically. I grabbed him by the hand and pulled him along the way. “We are almost there and it’s getting dark. We don’t wanna get eaten out here or have to kill something.”

i looked back and Roman was genuinely smiling. I felt warm all over, I looked t our hands intertwined and was puzzled with the feeeling i felt. i looked back at Roman and he was looking at our hands too...

We walked along in happy silence until we reached the rocks across the lake and waterfalls from the house. I was wearing Converse, but his dress shoes were proving to be less than nature friendly. We finally got up the slick stairs cut into the stone to reach the sitting area, after a lot of effort and laughs. They were the worst shoes for this environment ever.

Upon seeing the house, Roman audibly gasped. He took a few steps ahead and I just admired his profile and form. He really was beautiful. I knew he was going to kiss me before the night was thru. I knew better than to trust this boy, and I knew this was really stupid and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was completely enthralled and was going to see it through. I didnt half ass anything, and i wasnt going to start with him.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Roman said playfully.

My eyes flashed at him trying to tell me what to do. I lowered my head and looked up at him thru my lashes with a sneer.

 “Hey hold on, that’s my trick! We can’t BOTH have intense sexy stares.” he walked over and casually grabbed me around the waist.

“Good thing mine is just evil then.” I said in my best creepy witch voice.

He burst out laughing, eyes shining. It was a genuine laugh. I could tell by the way he instantly tried to control it, that it didn’t happen often.He tried to be so intimidating and serious, but there was a warmth to him, just under the surface.

“You’re a nerd.” He said quietly. 

Oh boy here we go. He’s gonna try this again. My mind was running 1000 miles a minute as I tried to decide whether I was going to let this happen, when all of a sudden it was too late. His lips were on me as he pulled me into a deep embrace. If I was the type to get caught up in a moment, this would be that moment. He smelled amazing, and tasted so sweet. I felt gum in his mouth with my tongue and I snatched it. I pulled away victorious and mock screamed like a roaring crowd, jogging in a circle arms raised.

“You did not just steal my gum.” He beamed at me, chasing me and catching me in his arms before slipping and pulling me down on top of him, wincing at the impact. 

i hovered over him laughing hysterically. “grace and beauty,” i teased. “ No gum is safe when I’m around.” I grabbed his hand and dragged him to his feet and then back to the stairs. “Time to go on the date I have planned for us.”

His eyebrows shot up and he looked genuinely shocked. “You planned out a date?”

“I did. And I have a feeling, you’re going to love it giiiirrrlll!” We both were giggling like school kids as we made our way back to the house.

I looked up to see my Uncle watching us from his terrace, a worried look on his face. That was kind of odd, but this was Roman Godfrey for chrissake.

I obnoxiously kissed my hand with a big “muah!” And threw it at my uncle who ducked like he was really avoiding getting hit.

“You nearly got me that time.” He yelled down to me.

I laughed and waved goodbye as we walked around the house to Romans Mercedes G wagon.

“Do you know why this suv is so expensive?” I asked him.

“It’s a Mercedes.” He said rolling his eyes.

“Although that’s part of it, these are built by hand and take over 40 hours buy two master craftsman to build. They have all the top-of-the-line materials used as well as three locking differentials. It’s the only one in its class with that so it’s superior for off-road Ing especially with the all wheel drive. Add that with superior safety and brand reliability and you have a very expensive, amazing machine. And since you of course have the AMG, you have to add two more craftsman to its build to hand build its engine that’s a mechanical marvel in itself.”

“You know more about my car than me. “ he laughed.

“It’s no big deal, I just never forget something once I’ve read it.”

“Never? I understand your ironic name now”

“Nope. It’s a blessing and a curse. I get it from my Uncle I guess.”

“That’s impressive.” He said sincerely. “I better never lie to you.”

I looked at him and our eyes locked. We stood there eyes locked on one another, neither of us wanting to be the first to look away. A smile crept across his face and i did an exaggerated silly wink.

“You are full of surprises Ms. Letha... what is your last name? Same as your Uncle?

“Nope. My last name is Dahl although I’d love to change it. Not a fan of my father. 

“Oh? Family drama Letha Dahl?’

“You have no idea.” I winked and got in the passenger side before he could reach the door and open it for me. I watched him walk around to the drivers seat and stop to read a message and reply. He scanned thru his phone and slipped it in his pocket. He climbed in and pushed the button to start the car. I went to the navigation and entered the address of our destination and pressed start.

I looked out the window analyzing my thoughts and emotions with scientific precision, first identifying the particular emotions and then assessing where there root was, before filing them away as solved. This was how I regulated thoughts and feelings, so they never got the best of me but this time there were emotions, I had no name for and there was nothing logical about them. I’d dated and even had boyfriends, but I’d never been this absolutely enamored by a man. i felt .... God, what was it?

Roman Godfrey was way cooler than me, but I was smarter, but for the first time in my life, I wasn’t sure if that was an advantage. I had never let emotion take the wheel, but i almost wanted to. I wanted to be lost in this tragic gorgeous boy.

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 49

Chris

Bliss is an innate state of inner joy.

It is constant, undisturbed by outward gain or loss.

We all have the capacity for it, no matter our age, background, physical or mental disabilities, ethnicity, gender, or religion. External circumstances, whether positive or negative, happy or sad, do not affect it.

Bliss is where happiness, meaning, and truth converge.

I was in a room with Hope. She was lying on a narrow bed with some clear jelly that she said was cold on her exposed belly. There was a black lady smiling and pressing a little nob against her skin and they were both facing a small screen. And on that screen… was my daughter, healthy heartbeat and all. She was agitated because the lady kept pressing the nob thing right against her as she tried to sleep, because that’s literally all she did all day. She lazed around in there and waited ‘til night to make her mom uncomfortable and keep her awake ‘til the wee hours of the morning. But now, she was up and wiggling around and upset… she had so much personality already.

I grinned like a complete idiot from my corner in the small room. No, this wasn’t a dream or some made up memory from my insane mind… this was a reality that I never thought I would be a part of. I didn’t get to experience this with Jaylen and I didn’t think I would make it to experience it now. But I was here, and I was smiling, because I was happy… the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.

Two days after she’d returned home to me after her finals at school in Georgia, Hope asked me if I would accompany her to her first doctor’s appointment with her new doctor… the lady that would be delivering our baby. For whatever reason, I was nervous. Sure I’d been in and out of hospitals a few times in my life, but that still didn’t mean I was much of a fan of the place. I was more afraid of this visit because the last time I’d spoken to a doctor in regards to Hope being pregnant, they told me that she’d had a miscarriage. I would never tell her this of course, but any doctor that had to do with a baby made me cringe.

“Baby girl looks beautiful. You and her both are doing wonderfully and I really couldn’t be more pleased with your progress.” The doctor, who kind of reminded me of Dr. Yates, said.

Bliss cannot be attained, really. The soul simply realizes that bliss simply… is

I could recognize it… I was in bliss. My mom told me once that she explained to Hope that I had an obvious purpose on this earth and that was to love her with everything in me and love my children even more. She was right. This was my calling. I wanted to cry because I’d never felt an ongoing surge of bliss the way I felt it sitting there across from the love of my life as she stared at a 3D image of my first daughter. I saw this girl, this woman, in a way I’d never seen her before. She was carrying my child… that made her the most beautiful woman in the world to me.

God, I was getting too caught up in my emotions. I didn’t even realize the doctor was standing in front of me with a stack of printed pictures of my daughter in my face.

“Chris…” I heard Hope’s voice and blinked myself back into reality and only then did I notice the small glossy pictures in my face.

The doctor chuckled and shook her head “Daddy’s getting all caught up in the moment over here. Here, these are for you sweetheart.”

“Thank you.” I muttered, glancing up at her, almost too embarrassed to look her right in the eye.

She laughed and turned back to face Hope with her hands on her hips “Isn’t he just the cutest? I’ve seen countless excited dad’s, but in all my twenty-five years I don’t think I’ve ever seen that spark that I see in his eyes. This little girl is gonna be spoiled, I can tell.”

My heart swelled at the sound of that and my cheeks warmed up as I smiled. I could feel Hope looking at me and when I glanced at her, she too wore a smile.

“Well I’ll give you some time to get all situated. Did you have any questions for me?”

“No Dr. Zeeta, you’ve been so kind and helpful. I’m just really thankful I got transferred to you.” Hope said. I looked from her to the doctor… Dr. Zeeta Johnson, or just Dr. Zeeta as she preferred. I could tell Hope and baby girl would be in good hands with her. There was just something so pleasant and gracious about her that made me feel safe knowing two of my most prized possessions would be cared for by her.

“And I’m thankful to have you here honey. Your aunt hasn’t stopped talking about you two, so really, I’ve been very excited to meet you. I’m going to take good care of you and your little blessing, I can certainly promise you that.” She smiled encouragingly before turning to exit the room. Once she shut the door, my gaze shifted to Hope who was now lying there, staring at a 3D sienna colored ultrasound picture that Dr. Zeeta had given her.

“Are you completely happy with this decision?” Her voice was soft and mild, gentle enough to have me staring at her almost in a daze. But, I was thrown off by her question…

“What?”

“We’re having a baby in less than two months. Are you happy? Is this what you wanted?” Her face looked so pleasant and surprisingly, she didn’t even look like she was gonna cry… which I was expecting, based on the questions she’d just asked and the tone of her voice.

My brows furrowed and I sighed… I didn’t even know if I was really supposed to answer that or not… I didn’t know if she was really serious.

“I’m happy.”

“Is this what you wanted?” She repeated, this time smiling. I nodded as I stood and slowly made my way closer to her. Her left hand extended in search of mine and when I gripped hers, she pulled me even closer and planted my hand flat against her still exposed belly.

“Yes, I’m happy… and this is what I wanted.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hope, I…” She was truly leaving me at a loss for words because I didn’t understand where this was coming from, “I want this more than anything in life… you know that.”

Her smile spread even wider and I stared at her perfectly straight, white teeth as they nibbled into the center of her bottom lip “I know… I just really like to hear you say it, the way you do.”

“What do you mean?” I chuckled.

Her silly grin remained as she slowly guided my hand around the smooth surface of her belly “I don’t know… I just like to hear you talk. Everything you say sounds so… good.”

I was blushing big time and thought my face would either permanently turn red or I would just pass out. I wasn’t even completely sure how to respond to that, so I just stood there smirking as she slid her hand up my arm and used it to pull herself up.

“Can I have a kiss?” My heart froze, or sped up, hell I wasn’t even really sure because before I knew it she was tugging me down to her and her cozy lips were pressed sweetly against mine. This girl was gonna be the death of me!

--

Hope said she wanted chicken fries and a vanilla milk shake from Burger King and French fries from McDonald’s, so that’s where we went after her appointment. I think I was more excited than anyone could ever understand to cater to her during her pregnancy. Call me weird, but I’d always envisioned this very moment… me pulling up to the window at a drive-thru, collecting whatever she craved from the menu all because she was carrying my child. Whatever she said she wanted, I’d go to the ends of the earth and beyond to get it just to see her happy… because that’s exactly what made me happy.

I sat with her now on the couch in her aunt’s den. Her feet were propped up in my lap and she stretched comfortably along the length of it with her back propped against a few pillows and her variety of food items, which included a chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin cookie from McDonald’s, laid out on pillow. I ordered food for myself and simply propped it up on the thick arm of the couch because I wouldn’t dare have her move her feet… I was the one who conned her into resting them in my lap in the first place.

We ate together in a comfortable silence with the action-packed sounds of Captain America: Civil War playing in the background. And this was completely ideal for me… home with her, watching movies and pigging out, because that’s what she wanted to do.

“Hey, baby daddy…” I turned to face her and nearly choked with laughter at the silly grin plastered on her face, “I just love how that sounds.”

“You’re so silly.” I chuckled, quickly swallowing down a mouthful of food.

“You never told me how your birthday was.” She blurted randomly.

“It was alright.”

“Did you do anything special?”

Thinking back to that day, my twentieth birthday, a regular Friday for me because I wasn’t too keen on making a big deal of it, I smirked at the thought.

“Not really. Just dinner that my mom insisted on dragging me to. Tootie was there, and your aunt, and the crew… and Mrs. Jimenez brought Jaylen.”

“Well that’s good…”

She didn’t say anything after that and I quickly turned to face her. The expression on her face looked so… distraught. Like she was stuck somewhere between confused and upset and that worried me.

“Hey, did I say something wrong?” I asked, biting into my bottom lip nervously as my heart raced unnecessarily.

She shook her head and sighed, glancing over at me with that same twisted expression “Sorry to change the subject, but… I kinda wanted to talk to you about that.”

My brows furrowed with confusion and I stared at her, waiting to hear what it was she wanted to talk about.

“That whole thing with Gabby… I don’t know, I don’t want to make a big deal of it. It’s just that the last time we talked about her, I could tell you were pretty upset about the whole situation. And… it upset me to know that you were upset.”

“I didn’t mean to make you upset…” “No,” She said, quickly shaking her head, “You didn’t upset me… she upset me. The whole thing upset me, not you Charlie. I didn’t like the thought of her attacking you the way she did. And I don’t like the thought of her thinking it’s okay to speak to you that way or just loosely toss threats at you whenever she wants. That wasn’t right and… if you don’t mind, I would really like to speak to her about that.”

“I… I don’t know if that would be a good idea Hope…”

“I just want to talk to her Chris. Obviously, me and you are in this for the long run and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon… I feel like it’s kind of my duty to protect you, just as much as you’ve always been there to protect me.”

I stared at her, perhaps too long and too hard because she eventually sighed and turned to face the TV. I didn’t understand, why I guess… why she felt the need to protect me. I mean, I knew I was nothing special, but clearly she didn’t and I didn’t want her going through any trouble for me because I honestly didn’t even feel like I was worth it.

“I just don’t get why you’d want to protect me. I’m not worth that effort Hope.” I muttered pitifully and finally dropped my gaze down to my lap.

I could feel her eyes on me now and I heard her soft grunt as she carefully shifted herself around on the couch to get closer to me. I didn’t bother to face her, even when I felt her petite hand slither up along the back of my neck.

“You don’t mean that… you can’t. You are worth more than the last breath in my body Chris… look at me.”

I didn’t look at her because I couldn’t look at her because I suddenly felt way too depressed. Her nails grazed along the skin of my neck and up into my hair, then I felt her right hand tickling my chin and she gently turned my head so I had no choice but to face her. But I refused to open my eyes… I refused to let her see the emotional pot she was stirring within me.

“Look at me…”

I shook my head slowly, feeling myself slipping further into my dark pit of despair. God, I hated these illnesses… I hated how much they controlled my life now and how fast they could send me spiraling in one emotional direction or another. It’d never been this way before. I’d only recently been diagnosed, but my illnesses had obviously been with me most of my life… so why was I now suddenly getting so caught in my feelings all the damn time?

“I’m not a good dad Hope,” I whispered, eyes still closed like a little boy hiding from his worst fears, “I’m not worth it.”

I felt it then, one of my biggest fears and insecurities that I’d only recently discovered in the last year… she dropped her right hand down to my left wrist and lifted it right up to her face. My eyes shot open and I quickly sniffled, because I felt the heated tears ready to force their way out at any second. My lips were parted and I could feel my chest heaving with desperation, but I was completely frozen in time… unable to do nothing more than sit there and watch her.

She held my wrist delicately in her hand, close to her mouth so that I could feel the warmth of her breath tickling my damaged skin. In almost slow motion, she leaned in closer and pressed her soft, sweet lips against my skin. She pecked it over and over, her lips dancing over the ugly ridges that were still clear as day through my tattoos.

“You are worth it…” She whispered and pecked, “You are a phenomenal man, an extraordinary father, and you are worth it.”

For the first time since I’d left the marks there because I didn’t think I was worth it and I didn’t think I deserved my life, I felt… worthy. In the eyes of the one person in the entire universe I cared most about, I was worthy. I meant something to someone, and it was her… I meant something to Hope. It hit me like a freight train just how selfish I’d been to come so close to an unnecessary death and I felt a wave of regret and nausea.

Easing my arm out of her grasp, I shifted my hand up to her cheek and down to the cusp of her neck and jaw, the same way she loved to hold me… the same way I loved for her to hold me. Gently tilting her head forward, I leaned a bit closer to her and pressed my lips against her forehead.

“Tell me again.” I muttered,

“You are worth it Charlie… you’re a beautiful man, you’re my beautiful man, and you are worth it.”

I smiled… shut my eyes and grinned then told her not to stop. It was like pure sizzling gold pouring from her lips. It was the injection of life that I needed to survive. She was meant for me and I for her… because she believed I was worth it.

[escapingreality1992]

The Calm Effect of Hearts CH. 2

Bucky x OC

Summary: In this chapter Steve Rogers tests a theory that Abigail (OC) can help with Bucky’s nightmares. He invites her to the Avengers tower and introduces her to everyone and a calm effect takes over the whole group. Later a nightmare torments Bucky and she comes to his aid and cuddles him, stroking his hair and letting him fall back asleep. Abigail soon realizes she starts developing feelings for him and the more time she spends with him, the deeper she will start to fall for him.

Warnings: Nightmares

Working late on a Friday night was a normal routine for me, vacuuming up dog hair off the classroom floor until it was spotless. What made it last until almost nine o’clock was the mopping of the floor, scrubbing up the crushed treats dropped during the Monday to Thursday classes.

Working late wasn’t the problem. It was the sense of paranoia that I’d get robbed or possibly kidnapped that came after; also the fact that it was every Friday that I had to work late. There were no classes, which was ideal but it was the fact that I had to help my coworker the entire day, well at least until the last dog was picked up. Then there was the extra work I had to do before vacuuming and mopping and the exhaustion that I felt once I got home. The months with daylight savings time weren’t as bad since there was still some daylight when I was done and had to lock up before heading to my car. The winter months, however, were a little scary.

           Tonight was no different after I finished up and began my walk back to the groom room to put back the vacuum but as I opened the door to the daycare, a familiar face greeted me with a smile.

           “Steve? What are you doing here? Not that I’m not glad to see you of course.” I greeted him, putting down the vacuum and closing the door behind me.

           “I came to pick you up so I could bring you to the tower. I wanted to test a theory and also grab some dinner on the way over. I’d thought you’d be at your apartment by now but it seems you’re still here. Do you always work this late?” he answered me, walking towards me and grabbing the vacuum, picking it up with ease. I pointed to the groom room and he followed me to the door.

           “Only on Fridays. I have to vacuum and sometimes I also have to mop. It takes about an hour to vacuum which why it’s a little late by the time I leave. Mopping doesn’t take as long but I do have to set the classroom back up for classes on Monday. On Fridays there are no classes, making it easier to keep it fresh before classes resume during the week,” I told him, unlocking the groom room and opening the door to let Steve step inside. I showed him where to place the vacuum after turning on the lights. After turning them back off, we exited the room, locking it before returning next door to retrieve my things and leave.

           “You don’t go out on Friday nights? No plans at all?’ Steve asked once I locked the daycare up.

           “Not usually unless it’s a late movie or something. Whenever classes end, I don’t have to work so late, so I could make plans to see friends but a lot of them aren’t available most days. I usually just tend to grab dinner, go home and curl up with a book or watch a movie,” I answered, unlocking my car, placing my purse inside.

           “I see. Actually, Natasha is with me and I’ve asked her to take your car back to your apartment. I want you to ride with me to the tower,” he informed me. I watched as a pretty redhead got out the passenger side of the car Steve had arrived in and offered a smile before grabbing my purse. She held her hand out for my keys and I gave them to her before joining Steve at his car. I got in and we both pulled out of the parking lot.

           “So what’s this theory you’re testing?” I asked as we drove down the highway on the way to grab dinner.

           “The other night when you called me to help Bucky, I noticed you seemed to completely calm him. I’ve never seen anyone handle a panic attack like you did. You’re not an empath are you? Gifted with anything related to emotions?” he answered me.

           “No, I don’t think so. I have a friend who has anxiety though. One night she had an attack that hit her pretty hard and I just happened to be there, but she’s not the type of person that would let you touch her. She would rather for someone to just be there for her and just talk to her until she calms down. Bucky seemed okay with the physical touch though. I did ask permission fist before I laid my hands on him just in case he didn’t want me to touch him,” I replied, replaying the event in my mind.

           “Hmmm. Maybe you have a calm effect around people. Even riding with you now it seems you give off a calm energy. I feel relaxed around you and I don’t really know you all that well. It’s nice. Anyway, I wanted to see how well you could handle nightmares. Bucky has them a lot and I get the sense that you could comfort him while he’s having them or maybe after he wakes up from one. Also everyone wants to meet you,” he commented, turning into a drive-thru. We ordered our food and left the fast food restaurant and rode to a building I didn’t recognize but I assumed it was the avengers tower. We got out and he led me to the entrance of the building, opening the door and we stepped inside. Taking the elevator up to the fifth floor, we got off and continued down a hallway.

           “The main room is this way. Oh, hey Nat. This is Abigail, the girl whose car you just dropped off at her apartment. Abigail, this is Natasha,” he told me, greeting the red head that I met earlier. She smiled and looked me over as if to make sure I wasn’t a threat.

           “Seems innocent enough. The others will probably like her. She’s got that sweet personality that draws people in,” Natasha stated, walking with us to the main room. We entered a giant room with three large couches and one smaller one as well as a huge flat screen TV mounted on the wall. A medium sized coffee table sat in front of one of the large couches. Behind the couches was an open concept kitchen and bar area. On one of the larger couches sat a three men; one with long blonde hair and blue eyes, one with black hair that had touches of gray and dark eyes, and one with dark skin, a neatly trimmed beard and dark brown eyes. On the couch on the left side of them sat a man with short dark brown hair, a goatee and dark brown eyes. Beside him sat Natasha. I looked towards the kitchen to see a girl with long brown hair and green eyes; a man with purple skin and blue eyes and on the counter sat a man with short light brown hair and blue eyes. In another corner of the room, I also noticed a man with shoulder length black hair and green eyes.

           As we entered the room all of them looked up at me and I suddenly felt a little awkward, my face growing warm from the stares.

           “Everybody this is Abigail, the woman I told you about a few nights ago. I thought she might offer some help tonight and since everyone was so eager to meet her, I thought I’d bring her over for tonight’s activities,” Steve introduced me. They all waved and soon returned to their own conversations. I sat down on the smaller couch and started eating. Halfway through my second taco, I noticed Steve ask one of the guys a question and jumped as a booming voice greeted me.

           “Sorry to startle you. I am Thor and this is my good friend Banner. Welcome to the tower. I hope we can also become good friends as well. You’re very pretty by the way,” the blonde… and very muscular man greeted; the man with the black hair with touches of gray standing beside him.

           “You can just call me Bruce. You know there’s something different about you. You’re so calm and I feel like I have nothing to worry about around you. Any special abilities we should know about?” the one Thor called Banner stated.

           “No. I don’t think so. It’s nice to meet you. I’m sure we can all be great friends,” I stated.

           “Abigail? You’re here? How…” A familiar voice called out. I turned to the other side of the couch to see Bucky standing there wearing a black t-shirt and dark blue jeans and white socks on his feet.

           “Hi, Bucky. Steve brought me over. How have you been? It’s wonderful to see you,” I greeted him. He lingered for a moment before deciding to sit down beside me.

           “I’m good, thanks. Are you staying over tonight? You don’t have to of course but…” he replied.

           “If you’d like me to, I’d be glad to stay here tonight,” I answered, smiling and taking his right hand in mine. He smiled back and over the next few minutes, I got pulled into a conversation with those in the room. I found the names of Steve’s friends and fellow Avengers, Wanda and Natasha becoming fast friends with me. I even received a smile from Thor’s brother Loki. Hours passed and soon people began retiring to their rooms, Clint leaving to go home to his family.

      Having told Steve, Tony, and Natasha good night, I followed Bucky to the spare room, which was next o his and wished him good night. He hugged me and then retired to his room. I closed my door and found a dresser that had spare pajamas and laid them out before jumping in the shower to rinse off sweat and grime from work. Getting out of the shower, I dried off and changed into the clothes before finding a book on the bookshelf next to the bed and settled in under the covers. While reading, I could feel my eyelids getting heavier and before I knew it, I drifted off into sleep.

           About what felt like an hour later, I was woken up by screams coming from somebody’s room. I shot out of bed and opened by door to find out who it was. The screams continued and I realized that they were coming from next door.

           Bucky, I thought and quickly walked down to his room. I slowly opened the door and saw him tossing and turning in the bed, sheets tangling around his body as he screamed at whatever was tormenting him in his dreams. I sprinted over to him and knelt by the bed.

           “Bucky! Hey, wake up! It’s just a dream. Bucky, come on wake up! Please, just listen to my voice. Wake up!” I told him, not touching him yet. At once he shot up in his bed, breathing hard, sweat glistening on his chest and forehead.

           “Bucky, may I turn on the light?” I asked him gently. He turned to face me and slowly nodded. I eased up and turned on the lamp on the nightstand to create dimness to the room. Turning my attention back to him again, I held up my hands slowly.

           “Are you alright? Do you mind if I place my hands on you?” I asked him. He shook his head and I put my hands at my sides and asked if it was okay if I sat on the bed with him. He nodded and I sat down across from him, careful not to touch him yet.

           “Tell me when you’re sort of calmed down,” I stated and I waited until he caught his breath and laid back down before sitting closer to him, still not touching him.

           “Do you want to talk about it? Can I get you anything? Tea? A wet cloth?” I asked. He shook his head no, but reached out with his right hand to me. I took it in mine and started rubbing soothing circles in his skin.

           “Stay with me. Please,” he stated, turning to me. I nodded and slid down beside him, angling myself to face him. Bucky slid down a bit and pulled me close so that his head was resting against my neck. He then took my hands, placing one on his head and the other he linked with his own. Releasing a deep breath, I ran my hand through his hair, placing a delicate kiss on the top of his head. After a half an hour, I noticed he had fallen back asleep and reached over and turned out the light. I continued stroking his hair until I too fell asleep.

           The next morning, I awoke to find myself against Bucky’s chest, one hand still linked with one of his, the other draped across his waist. I looked up at his face and saw that he was still in deep sleep. A knock at the door sounded and I slowly unraveled myself from him and stood up to see Steve standing at the open door. I walked over to him and we stepped into the hallway, leaving Bucky’s door cracked open a little.

           “I heard the screams last night. You went to him didn’t you? To comfort him?” he greeted me. I nodded and Steve smiled.

           “I couldn’t get back to sleep for a few hours but I noticed that there were no more screams. That’s good. You’re good with him, a calm effect for him. For everyone it seems. When you talked with us, there was less tension in the room. I felt it, as did everyone else. Are you sure you don’t have an enhanced ability?” Steve asked, waving to Sam as he passed us.

           “I’m sure. I was being gentle with him. I didn’t touch him until he felt comfortable and I didn’t press him into talking about it. I’m not completely sure I’m a calm effect but I feel like people are just naturally drawn to me. Maybe it’s just my personality,” I commented.

           “Maybe. Listen, what are you doing today? You could come with us to the beach for the day. We all need to get away for a little while. You look like you could use a day to relax. Get to know everyone a bit more. Spend time with Bucky. You two are starting to become wonderful friends. He seems to open up more when you’re around,” Steve suggested.

           “Sure, that sounds fantastic. I just have to go home and get a bathing suit and a few other things if that’s alright,” I stated.

           “Good morning Abigail. Hey, Steve, are we still going to the beach today?” a sleepy voice greeted us from behind. I turned to face Bucky and smiled.

           “Yes and I’ve invited Abigail to join us. That okay Buck?” Steve answered Bucky’s question.

           “That’s ok. I’d be glad to have her come along. Besides Natasha is really starting to enjoy having her as a friend. I’m sure she’ll be glad she’s coming with us,” he replied before heading down the hallway to the kitchen. I went to my room and changed into my work clothes from last night and placed the pajamas in the hamper beside the dresser. I opened the door to find Natasha waiting for me. She took me home to get a bathing suit and other supplies and we met the others at the beach. As I hung out with everyone, a thought occurred to me at that moment. The thought, as I looked at Bucky laughing at something Steve said, was that I was starting to develop feelings for Bucky and the more I spent time with him, the harder I was going to fall in love with him.

[hansmarx-blog1]

Few Clouds, 5°C

Bommerholzer Str. 9, 58452 Witten, Deutschland

A place you should avoid

Wir sind jetzt dabei, den zweiten Teil unserer Reise durch die USA vorzubereiten. Die Flüge sind gebucht , Harpo hat auch ein Platz im Frachtraum ergattert, es kann losgehen. Am 27. März fliegen wir nach San Francisco, nehmen ein Mietwagen Richtung Sacramento und fahren am nächsten Tag nach Salt Lake City, um zunächst einmal Michelle Simpson zu besuchen, unsere alte Freundin aus Park City. Wir hätten also gerne ein Motel in der Nähe von Sacramento, wo wir auch mit Harpo unterkommen können. Das ist nicht ganz so einfach in den USA. Viele Hotels nehmen keine Hunde, andere werben damit, dass sie Pet friendly seien. Das ist schon mal gut, nicht so gut ist, dass sie sich ihre Freundlichkeit zum Teil fürstlich bezahlen lassen. 50 und mehr Dollar dafür, dass die Töle mit ins Zimmer darf sind da gar nichts. Zum Glück ist das nicht überall so, aber man muss aufpassen.

Das Haus einer bekannten Kette, bei der wir ganz gerne übernachten, machte auf den Bildern einen guten Eindruck Komma aber die Bewertungen auf TripAdvisor hatten es doch in sich. Man wundert sich fast, dass es Hotels auf solche Bewertungen einfach ankommen lassen und sich schon mal gar nicht dafür interessieren. Overall Rating

(13 Reviews) Horror show

March 13, 2019 I'd give no stars if possible and more photos are to come too. My worst experience in a hotel in my entire 58 years on this earth. They disrespected my service to my country as a Veteran. The lady at front desk had no idea of what she was doing or talking about. They have rooms that are so nasty they should be condemned "but as long as the money rolls in who cares" appears to be their moto. Gave us the wrong room and I hobbled to room with my caregiver and the room was already taken and it was OMG like a dumpster and on the one bed was 3 YES 3 little babies I mean like 15 months oldest maybe and for the 3 seconds we stood there it almost made me sick the stink coming out of that room. The weed smell through the whole hotel is like nothing I've smelled before. As I said this is the worst experience I've ever had. I called corporate office and got disrespected again by a "supervisor" and I use that term loosely as possible. The only bright moment in this whole ride through hood trap was speaking to a Jennifer the boss of the incompetent "supervisor who disrespected me. If your a drug addict, gang member or just plain trash do stay here, you'll fit right in and be right at home. I have filed complaints with CPS, The Health Department etc. I've sent all the photos along with a email to every local news station also. This type of behavior cannot be allowed to exist. It's a breeding ground for everything not good for our City and neighbors

Disagree with other reviews here

December 30, 2018 Super friendly staff. Those others must have been fired or something. The parking area and vicinity is patrolled at night and parking was no problem at all there was extra parking unlike other Red Roof locations here in Sac. There is like 10 fast food places within walking distance. (that's me though. For sure, Wendy's across the street. I went to Del Taco like less than a minute drive away. Patricia told me she has been here six months and was very nice letting me know about the veteran's discount. Thanks.

Want Some Heroin with That?!

December 15, 2018 One star only because zero stars aren't an option. I wish I'd checked yelp before booking this piece of sh*t hotel. The lobby appeared clean and contemporary so I figured it was a decent enough place. We came to Sac to see the Nutcracker ballet and when we arrived back at the hotel we were quickly accosted by a turd selling heroin and crack. He even had the nerve to shove a bag of his drugs in my 12 year old daughter's face! To make matters worse, he came out of the office and when I called down there to report him the clerk refused to answer the phone. It appears that the staff is in on the drug selling shenanigans. I called the sherrif's office and reported it. After this I'm posting on Hotels.com, Traveladvisor.com, and contacting the better business bureau and Red Roof Inn's corporate office.

Roaches

November 23, 2018 Reserved a non smoking room but the room smelled badly of smoke. Could have delt with that but the room was filled with cockroaches. Went back to lobby and requested refund. Clerk was polite and processed refund with no issues. So no complaints of the employers. But can't stay in a place with so many roaches. Neighborhood is pretty sketchy too. Did not feel safe parking and staying there.

Very insulting staff and unprofessional lazy manager r December 19, 2017 I just want to start by saying I never write reviews but after the treatment my family received I had to make sure I start good or bad for all deserving businesses. We checked in and was a little surprised how unfriendly and very short (morning) front desk staff was. Tatiana I believe was knowledgeable of her job but short and not friendly. So checking into the room it was clear management didn't check rooms after staff or give *need to fix list for maintenance. There was black hair on bedsheet. Quilt had food stains and other stains I don't wanna know what they were on them. We also noticed black hair in shower. Tub was not clean at all. we called front desk not asking for anything but just telling them for their knowledge. Also, one bulb in living room out and needed few other maintenance things done. Painting, toilet kept stopping up and broken window lock. So my husband had went to grocery store second morning and called front desk to say no service and please don't knock on door because our 11 yr old 12 next week son was there and we told him not open door unless we called to tell him. She said ok, no problems. Third morning we left hotel from bank which is five minutes down the street and it was 1130. We lost track of time but only 30 minutes and told her we were staying. She gave me attitude and said ok but we needed to be there by noon to pay or we would be charged a late fee. Umm ok but we got there by noon. When we got back our son informed us manager had called room and asked him why he was alone and it was against the law. Shocked we went downstairs to find out the problem and asked why they didn't question us when we paid before going up to room. There were two girls who immediatly started scolding us and saying it was against the law and treating us like bad parents. We told them to check state laws because it's at parents discretion after a certain age. And a almost 12yr old was ok alone for 30 minutes to a hour. They then acted shocked and said well they wouldn't do it. So we went back to room and as time passed I couldn't stop thinking about it and spoke to my husband who said it's just those girls and the night shift employee was really nice (a young guy) and security team was also nice and professional we decided to see if anything else would happen as we had one more day on reservation. That night there were sketchy young people outside obviously high and loud. I called front desk and I guess when security is off two days it's party time. Also that night my son had his hand under mattress and pulled out some old candy wrappers. The next morning at breakfast we told Tatiana and she was rude and said maintenance checks all rooms and basically implied we had done it. We even said we didn't expect anything just wanted the management to know they need to walk thru rooms to check on employees. The rest of day went on without incident and we were supposed to check out next morning. So my husband had lost car key and we couldn't find it. We looked all over property and couldn't find it. We made another reservation on line and called front desk (Tatiana again) and told her we made a reservation on line and needed another day. I explained my husband lost keys and she said ok. Our insurance (Geico, and they are awesome) sent a tow truck to us and opened our car. They waited ten minutes for us to search car and leave with them to go and have another very expensive key made. We were at dealership having a key maid when Tatiana called and said they found a car key and it was to a Ford. I was happy but it was to late (not her fault) However, we got back at 12:49pm and went to office to get key. Tatiana said we didn't sign papers by noon and manager charging us $25 late fee. We said we had called before noon to inform them we needed another night and why. She said nope we were supposed to sign by noon and computer started flagging us and charging us late fee. She could've checked us out and had paper there for us to sign and checked us in after we got back. Again, not their problem and manager wasn't there but we could have her voicemail. We were upset and told them we were leaving and we would return to checkout. She said we had 30 minutes or she was keeping our whole deposit. We ran upstairs and five minutes Tatiana calls and says her manager had called Sheriff because we didn't checkout on time. I got really angry and felt like I was being treated extremely poorly by staff. She didn't care and we now only had $10 of our $60 deposit left. I asked why she said 30:and she yelled no, and hurry up. We been informed already of hotel policy's which I thought when I called at noon to tell her we were staying we covered that. She didn't say otherwise. I hung up on her and still hurried out thinking no way a chain like this would let their employees act like this. Then a knock at door and rude maintenance man and two housekeepers stood their until we left, never getting a deposit at all. We waited and manager never came. it was working hours. I know this was long but I will write this review everywhere, every week until refunded deposit and a apology I will stand on Watt Ave and stop business. People gotta know. and as we waited in parking lot a man came out yelling cause he was charged $20 for one dirty towel. Horrible service.

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