#thinking about anger is always so weird bc most of the ppl ive cut off were very sly meddlers or passive aggressive

[wolfisland]

i think thats definitely a factor in why i flipped out so bad on my ex friends last year too bc its like if i try to disengage from something and you fucking follow me around i will straight up curse you the fuck out.

thats probably something i should be more ashamed of but if i tell you to leave me alone and you keep pushing and prodding me and ignoring my boundaries (especially when i am so fucking clear about wanting to be left alone to calm down) i will flip the fuck out. i will bite your fucking head off and i will get so evil and personal about it because im just constantly swallowing back bile to try and function as a normal chill nice person.

like id feel bad for those people if they hadnt continuously fucking ignored me saying "dont do that, leave me alone, youre making me uncomfortable" like if you corner a wild animal it will bite. leave me the fuck alone

i do wish anger wasnt seen as like evil or whatever. or like if you get angry youve immediately lost bc you should be Above being angry or whatever. very frustrating

[lookwhatilost]

oh okay im going to do an ask meme and put it under a cut bc i am having trouble sleeping tonight and my switch is charging :(

1: Do you ever wish you were someone else?

i think everyone does at some point. i dnt have a desire to be a specific other person, but a different version of myself i guess. i dnt have strong envy targeted at individuals but a lot of sadness related to my choices and circumstances that have culminated bc of them

2: What is your full name?

i am not going to post that here

3: How old are you and how old do you get mistaken for?

i’m 24 (25 nxt month... that’s weird) and usually people assume i’m 20-22

4: Have you ever dyed your hair?

i’ve lost count of how many times

5: What’s your eye color?

very dark brown

6: Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

ive talked a lot abt this in the past so im going to reiterate the same things ive said abt it in the past – i dnt have an abundance of gripes w it cosmetically, but i have a lot of anger (esp rn) towards my endometriosis, and i see my body as an extension of myself. & i dnt like myself very much. so there is that

7: Do you have any tattoos or piercings?

i have a white ink tattoo of the neptune symbol on my left wrist and my ears are pierced

8: What would you say is your best quality?

i dnt know

9: What are you really bad at?

i can’t dance lmfao

10: What talent do you wish you had?

i wish i was better at writing, in general & songwriting. i’m not completely terrible at it, but i dnt have a natural gift for it and i wish i didnt have to expend as much effort to improve it

11: Are you nice to everyone?

i try to be but it doesnt always happen like that... usually yes unless i feel provoked

12: What do you think about the most?

usually stuff like “how would life be different now if i did (abc) instead of (xyz)?”

13: Things you like/dislike about yourself

i like my sense of style and that i can be very disciplined when i put my mind to it. i dnt like that i usually do not Put My Mind To It and that i have doormat tendencies

14: What is your least favorite word?

i can’t think of one but i rly hate “nourish”, “catty-cornered”, “crabby”, “folks”, “peck”, anything that can be categorized as “heckin doggo” genre babyspeak, “trauma” and “empower” bc they’re misused so often... and i rly strongly hate the word “h*rny” lmfao ive always thought it was auditory/visual vomit and it dznt help that the context is never good

15: What is your favorite word?

again i dnt have a favorite but i’m very fond of “eloquent”, “neon”, “incandescent”, “anodyne”, “mechanism”, and “celestial”

16: Are you more like your mom or your dad?

i look more like my dad but i bear very little resemblance to either of them in terms of character

17: Would you ever smile at a stranger?

it’s polite? why wouldnt i

18: A reason you’ve lied to someone

because i dnt want to look pathetic

19: Are you lying about anything right now?

im not being honest w andrew abt how conflicted i am towards him

20: Have you kissed someone older than you?

only one who was significantly older than me

21: Do you believe in love at first sight?

instant connections, yeah. love, obviously not... but i also dnt think the phrase is meant to be taken completely literally

22: Do you believe in soulmates?

not in the traditional sense but i do use the phrase “soulmate” to describe life-altering figures that ive viewed affectionately. but none of those ppl are rly in my life to the capacity they once were anymore. so like i said. not in the traditional sense

23: Are looks important?

im assuming this is in the context of relationships & people who say they aren’t are lying

24: Opinion on relationship age differences

they matter less the older both parties are, i think that is the general rule of thumb. justin was almost a decade older than me and i wasn’t too bothered by that. but i think i would be if it was anyone older than that? as for people who aren’t me... i judge but i keep it mostly to myself

25: Would you date someone off the Internet?

no

26: Have you ever cried over a boy/girl?

been doing it since i was 12 😎🤟

27: Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

default state

28: Anyone you’re giving up on right now?

myself, basically

29: Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

andrew but lbr they are not wrong to feel that way

30: Have you ever liked your best friend?

sore subject

31: How does someone win your heart?

if they make me feel less alone, like in the “i identify strongly w this person, and i like them, and in turn i like myself a little more” way. the “being around you makes me feel like a person and not a freak of nature hiding behind groucho marx glasses” way

32: What turns you on?

im not answering this in the sexual way but i tend to think people are more likable and attractive when they think critically, have a quick wit... a lot of nonverbal things too but it’s hard to capture what that is in writing bc i can’t always readily identify it

33: What turns you off?

same as above w the nothing sexual disclaimer. i hate recycled meme type humor and people whose entire personality is the media they consume (like adults who are weirdly into disney)

34: Do you get jealous easily?

not easily but it gets triggered by rly strange things

35: What is your definition of cheating?

in the broadest definition, intimacy that goes beyond the discussed boundaries of a relationship. but i also cant foresee myself in a situation where im going on dates w several different ppl again consistently bc it wrought havoc on my brain, so i doubt that’s ever going to be anything other than What Everyone Understands As Cheating for me personally.

36: Do you forgive betrayal?

more easily than i probably should

37: Have you ever been cheated on?

ive had my suspicions in the past but nothing that i was ever able to confirm

38: Have you ever cheated on someone?

no but ive come closer to it than im proud of

39: How often do you listen to music?

pretty infrequently these days

40: First concert you attended

cyndi lauper lmfao

41: Last movie you watched

i think hereditary

42: Favorite type of movie

any slow burning drama w horror/suspense elements

43: Is there something that happened in your past that you hate talking about?

i can think of 4 things that i rly would prefer to be left in the dustbin of history but one of them wasn’t like Traumatic, jst stupid and embarrassing 

44: Are you good at hiding your feelings?

i’d say i’m abt as subtle as a gun 

45: Do you fall in love easily?

somewhat? i think i do it incorrectly

46: Do you think people say I love you too much?

i dnt think theres anything wrong w that

47: What’s your favorite holiday?

anything that’s an excuse to party w no gift giving obligations

48: Are you a forgiving person? Do you like being that way?

generally yes and i have mixed feelings abt it

49: Where’s the most magical place on earth?

south 17th street

50: What’s your “type”?

the details are fluid but i think my entire dating/significant crush history can be summarized w “people who look like they dnt know how to use power tools’

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so  paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that?????  i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love