#things would be much easier if he just wasnt sooOoooOo

[samijey]

Jey Uso - Monday Night RAW 26/08/2024

[tamiddyinyourcity]

7:20pm.

I hate you.

Monday, March 9th of 2020.

I still resent my ex. Nothing new, but relevant.

It kinda hurts, knowing how much I tried for nothing.

Hell, we got to the point of him confessing he enjoyed being able to be intimate and close with me again, and admitting how he supposedly reciprocated his feelings... just to leave.

Not fun.

At all.

I'm not sure if I want to cry or not. I already have been writing out a lot of my feelings these days on a different document, and I frankly get a migraine remembering anything between us.

.....

I just wish he TOLD me, you know? Fucking sooner. I would've never gave him that letter if he ever made the first move. Never would have freaked out the night I did if he straight up told me the shit he decided to hide.

God, shit is fucked.

I hate him so much for that. I wouldn't hurt him, but not gonna lie, anyone else in my situation admitted they'd BEEN caught an attitude with him, for heeeeella shit...........

I'm just so disappointed.

Really. Disappointed.

....

But we all know he just wanted to have his fun with me until someone else that caught his eye would ever reply to his messages. That would've killed me, if one day it was like, "Hey Tamia, I'm removing you from my life! I got a new girlfriend, so I no longer need you even as a friend."

Getting dumped by the same person twice, for someone else? Cool, the noose would have been tied and ready alongside the bucket.

I could've pictured staying around before.

Like, if that weekend wasnt specifically a romantic holiday, then maybe.

But, it was. And I didn't wanna see a dude who I legitimately brought baked goods before thanks to being a good fuck, try to frame me as "undeserving" or "wild" for wanting a nice treat back.

My friend Elle tried to be like "Buy your own gifts! Take yourself on a date! Self care, love!" BITCH, WHAT GOOD IS A MAN THAT CANT COUGH UP FOUR BUCKS FOR CANDY?

The bar was soooooooo low.

At that point, its "I don't need this musty prick embarrassing me, just leave his ass."

Or well.... I almost stayed, but once he said "maybe" at the idea of fucking on Valentines Day, that's when i went, "this nigga is useless, WRAP IT UP BABY!"

Like, jesus.... I've had friends with benefits that wouldn't find that shit awkward. It could've been an "RIP romance" type of celebration, where I get to order pizza and eat shitty candy with the dude who's keen on fucking my privates. Hell, a past FWB, Crackhead John, deadass tried to ask to take me to a movie one year, since he KNEW I didn't wanna fuck for nothing in return. And he knew that I wanted something special. I wanted something special, or at least a self esteem boost.

So, if a guy I'm fucking for the *sake* of a self esteem boost, cant come through and vibe on the specific day where I just don't wanna feel lonely.... hes not the one to vibe.

Cutting him off was a good idea.

He kinda deserved it.

Hell, the next day, even as he confessed his feelings and all that, he confirmed that he wouldn't have done what I hoped.

......

Useless.

Knowing him, he bends easier than a marshmallow if you give things enough time. But I knew I was fine as fuck, and that I have so much to love about myself! What good would come from, "Cool, let's wait several weeks to see if this dude can muster the idea of seeing me worthy of the treatment I want....."

The answer? Low self esteem. Chasing a man. Begging for scraps. Fuck. That.

It was hard enough getting the confidence to go, "I'm going to be completely fine without him, and I must leave."

He shouldn't have said anything to me after I left his porch. He should've not texted me that text. Since him being a fuckboy, after a girl sends him a blatant "i adore you but this isnt what i want and dont contact me ever again" letter..... was of course.... some shit that would have gotten ANYBODY slapped for.

Not saying it was right, but it was still understandable!

Shouldve left me alone. Fucks sake.

[saintkimora]

here is how my last date went w joel (once again i have mixed feelings about it) plus how things are going now

so i saw him the other night. i got there and it was him marissa and lindsey as usual but they also had their friends moshe and adiena there. so that was kinda awkward (for me at least). they were all just sitting around talking and moshe and joel were playing mario kart on the switch and then joel made everyone watch like category is, read u wrote u, the s8 and 9 finale lip syncs, and the alyssa edwards drop dead gorgeous mix. it was kinda awkward bc the others werent really into it after the first 2 videos (except marissa legend) so i was getting secondhand embarrassment but it was still fun i guess since i got to sit next to my man

BUT then things took a turn for the worst bc joel made some attempt to include me in the group conversation. i got so sweaty instantly and i was wearing a tank so i was like fuck! nothing to cover it up. so yeah eventually moshe and adiena left and it was just us the 4 sisters again

marissa started vacuuming and lindsey was showing us some books she has. then they both went to their rooms and it was just me and joel. he said chris was still in his room playing tekken 7 on his ps4 and he didnt wanna kick him out yet so we stayed in the living room and he made me watch the great british bake off with him and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO boring omg like this is what yall call a competition? it was not intense at ALL literally flop shows only

then eventually we went into his room and he kicked chris out (after playing one round w him) so it was just us. this is where the date got enjoyable

one of the things he did was he started talking to me about his opinions on like race and stuff currently in america. and his opinions were all p good except for a few so that was fine. it was nice i guess to have like a serious convo w him i guess

THEN he referenced something from his childhood and i didnt know what it was obv so he was like “ive never told you the story of my childhood??” so he told me and oh my gosh it was so SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD omg im not gonna put all his business on here but it was such a sad story and i felt so bad for him and i wished i met him years ago so i couldve been there for him through all of it. but yeah it was v unfortunate i was like shocked like he seriously could not catch a break and he explained to me how the things from back then affect him to this day w like his anxiety for example and yeah. like obv i wasnt happy to hear about all those sad things but i was happy that he told me bc it made me feel closer to him

now for the part i DIDNT like. so at one point he somehow tried to talk to me about what celebrities and porn stars we think are hot. i did not want to have this conversation bc it feels pointless for me bc i dont keep up w celebrities and plus like the guy im with is always the #1 hottest guy for me so i dont feel the need to lust after celebs and porn stars. but whatever he was insistent on talking about this so we did. and the part that made me feel :/ was that none of the guys looked like me. like literally all the celebrities and porn stars he listed literally looked NOTHING like me whatsoever. like i didnt have a SINGLE thing in common w any of these guys. so to hear him going on and on about how hot these guys are and how they could have him any day and stuff was just kinda deflating to me bc they were all like the complete opposite of me in terms of looks. like they were all super buff daddy types and i have like 0 muscles and i dont really have strong chiseled features either. like i know im prob being oversensitive/too competitive but idk it just made me uncomfortable

and then when i told him all my faves it was different bc he did have a lot in common w all the guys i mentioned. he was like “im noticing a pattern here” and hes right, like if i did have a “”type” he would probably be it. i personally dont like talking about hot guys w any guy im currently with bc for me its like if the guy im with is all heart eyes emoji about another guys looks then obv im gonna look at this guy and compare myself to him which is not something i want to do since most of the time the other guys have me beat. so i dont bring up guys i find hot for the same reason bc i wouldnt want the guy im with to feel insecure or inadequate or contribute to a negative body image or something. i know not all people think like this and lots of people are perfectly fine w admiring other guys w their s/o but for me its just not something i like to do

so that was the worst part. it made me feel kinda empty the next day (in the moment it wasnt as bad, it was uncomfortable but it wasnt until later that i realized that i really did not look like these guys at all). actually i think this convo happened before the childhood convo. but anyways after all those convos that is when we fooled around

so this time it was fun! first he had me teasing his hole w my dick. its mildy pleasant to me but he like loves it lol. then he did the same to me but his dick was like lubed up from when i was jerking him off beforehand and it really felt like his dick was THIS close to slipping into my hole omg i was nervous i was like if he moves his hips slightly too much im literally gonna lose my virginity LMAO but it was still fun! he ended up cumming on my hole which i honestly didnt mind bc it was easier to clean since its less surface area than say my stomach or something

then i jerked myself off while he kissed me and played w my nipples and stuff since thats still my preferred way to cum. it was nice and then we showered together afterwards. and i forgot to mention it but a few dates ago we showered together for the first time which was super fun!! that time i sucked/jerked him off in the shower until he came. this time we had already cum so we just cleaned ourselves 

then we went to sleep. we woke up and got ready and i got to see him eat breakfast! he had cereal and he looked soooooooo cute omg and then we left his apartment together, then parted ways bc i had to go to my car and he was going to the bus stop down the street. he left bc he is visiting his family back home bc he needs to get some documents to do something for fafsa and he wont be back until wednesday. and i leave on thursday so rip we just have one more chance to see each other 

so that was that! also on the date before that we played this really fun game together called lovers in a dangerous spacetime and i had so much fun! omg we were such gaymers

so yeah thats it! one more date before we have to be apart for a month. im really sad about it actually like ive been getting really emotional over it. like im gonna miss him but also hes kinda going through a difficult time in his life right now and it makes me feel really bad that i wont be able to be there for him in person when he needs me. and ofc im still worried he might meet someone else, like a month is a long time so its v possible for him to forget/lose interest and try to find a new man instead. and these gay apps are location based obv so he could be reinstalling grindr or something and i would have no idea since im so many miles away!!! i doubt he would but again i didnt think caleb would do that either and i was wrong on that so im not trusting my own judgment anymore

im gonna try to enjoy greece but im gonna miss him a LOT and i just hope hes able to hold himself together while im gone since i wont be here to comfort him since im gonna be on another continent. if he does meet someone else im gonna be really sad about it but i am gonna try to be optimistic about it and ill still be able to text him like every day so its gonna suck but it could be worse i guess