#things that are ridiculous but so much fun

[hanmaitani]

Oenomel

PAIRING - Tendou Satori x Reader x Tsukishima Kei WC - 9.4K GENRE - smut CW - threesome, unprotected sex, oral f!receicing, fingering, spit, face fucking oral m!receiving, multiple orgasms, praise, light degradation (reader called slut a couple times), two dicks one hoooole dp, creampies, mentions of drinking <33 SYNOPSIS - im insane 10 years after the 2012-13 volleyball season, Miyagi prefecture decides to hold a small reunion at the Shiratorizawa campus and as Aoba Johsai's old manager and Iwaizumi's little sister, of course you're invited. you finally get to live out those fantasies you had about the forbidden players from the other teams and then some...

note: honorary tag to miss risu @tetsuskei , my fellow tendou and tsukki simp <3 happy birthday girlie <3

Miyagi meant a lot of things in your life. Growing up, it was always a place you were trying to get away from. A motivator to get yourself to the next stage and off to college—college that was far, far away. You wouldn’t plan on leaving the country, not like your brother had, that change was too much for you. But you could use at least a couple hours between you and the place that you’d always call home.

Growing up in Miyagi meant following your brother to Kitagawa Daiichi for middle school, becoming best friends with the younger sister of his best friend. It meant the two of you then following along with the “volleyball madness” of your elder brothers and once again following them and going to Aoba Johsai for high school. It meant that the two of you became managers for their volleyball team. Miyagi meant you and your best friend being nicknamed “little Iwaizumi” and “little Oikawa,” respectively. Though you’d hated to leave her alone, you’d loved escaping the title of “little Iwaizumi.”

Lately however, you had started to dread your time away. You missed the comfort of being back home, missed your best friend and the fun you used to have together. So, when there was news of a Miyagi volleyball reunion, it was a relief to you.

A ten-year reunion between the old high school volleyball teams, held at and sponsored by Shiratorizawa academy. All the teams you used to watch from the sidelines as a manager during high school.

You guess you could use the word “watch” as a relative term. “Drool over” was probably better used to describe it. You could never talk to your best friend about it because she’s been in the same relationship since middle school, she didn’t understand it. But you? Perpetually single you? Took every chance to drool over the boys from the other schools, the tall and ridiculously well-built boys. Much to the dismay of the boys on the Aoba Johsai volleyball team.

You truly couldn’t count how many times Tooru had begged his sister and you to just pick one of the boys on your volleyball team if you wanted a volleyball player. The two teams in particular that seemed to piss off Hajime and Tooru just so happened to be the teams you watched the most.

It wasn’t like you planned to get the hots for boys from Karasuno and Shiratorizawa. You always did feel bad about it, but you just couldn’t help yourself.

Two boys in particular always drew your attention more than the others.

Tsukishima Kei and Tendou Satori.

It made you feel like an awful manager, an awful little sister, but how could you not look at them like that.

You’d been yelled at when you were caught staring at Tsukishima and berated even further when you were caught with Tendou in your sights next. Begged by your third years that if you had a thing for middle blockers you could go for Mattsun or for Kindaichi and no one would be mad about it. But Kindaichi was too nice for you to think of that way and you hated the prospect of being with someone as close to your brother as Mattsun was.

It wasn’t like anything ever came of the little fantasies that lived in your head though. The little dreams you had of getting one of the tall boys from your rival teams to fall for and fawn over you.

No, you were “little Iwaizumi,” and everyone on the team made sure you wouldn’t be touched.

Even when Hajime and Tooru left, they’d left Kyotani to be your “guard dog” with explicit instructions that no other team was to even look in your direction. And when Kyotani left, he’d passed the torch down to Kunimi and Kindaichi— the traitors held to the rule.

Now, however, ten years after you’d first joined the Seijoh volleyball team as manager, you couldn’t be called “little Iwaizumi” anymore. 25 years old, your brother couldn’t control who got close to you anymore, no one on the team could. They could only complain when they saw your eyes wander.

This reunion really did nothing to calm their stress over you. Not when the two boys who controlled most of your fantasies in high school were in the same room as you now. Not when you had less guilt about who you were drooling over and how that drooling affected others.

Everyone in the room had grown up tremendously, matured in both physicality and mentality.

That did not mean that their competitiveness disappeared, however.

Now, you can’t seem to remember who first proposed the idea, you’re not sure anyone really does, but the volleyball net had been dragged out and three-on-three matches had been on rotation for the last hour. Short single set matches that you’d all elected would end with the first to hit ten points.

You couldn’t remember who first proposed the idea, but god were you mentally thanking them for what it got you right now.

You were leaning on a table, chin propped up on the heel of your palm, sucking down yet another alcohol-filled beverage and staring at the two boys currently only separated by the volleyball net. Both Tsukishima and Tendou had gotten taller since you’d first seen them. Both still all lean muscles and sharp movements. Lazy smirks and their very long fingers that the balls bounced off of.

“Get a hold of yourself Little Iwa," Makki laughed lightly, poking fun at you from his seat diagonal from you at your table.

“Y/n can you fucking stop," Hajime growled at you, annoyed at the way you refused to tear your eyes off of the two boys moving across the court, sending taunts at each other.

“We don’t need our manager getting with one of those losers," Tooru pouted, crossing his arms with a huff. You rolled your eyes quickly but went right back to staring.

“First, I’m not your manager anymore,” you said pointedly at Tooru, and kept talking before he took your small silence as a chance to speak. “Second, I’m just looking, so relax. You all know I’m not going to do anything.” You ignored the grumbles that came from the table.

Your best friend, Oikawa’s little sister was over at another table flirting away with her boyfriend, and you shot her a quick glare. As much as you loved her, she’d left you to deal with the overprotective boys of your team alone.

The three-on-three of your favorite eye candy ended quickly, like most of the matches had been and you watched as your brother and Tooru moved onto the court along with Mattsun.

“You’re real keen on annoying them huh?” Makki gave a laugh without looking away from where his closest friends were starting their game. You rolled your eyes and stood up from your spot, tearing your sight away from where Kageyama and Hinata were taking the side opposite from your boys along with one of their old aces.

You easily finished off what was left of your drink before setting the cup down on the table. “I’m gonna go find a bathroom, now that my guard dogs are busy.”

Makki snorted at your declaration but made no move to stop you from moving towards the exit of the gym. The rest of your team was too invested in the match about to start and barely noticed you slip out. You sighed, sliding the door shut behind you just as you heard them hit the volleyball for the first time.

You breathed in the fresh air, it was a smell you’d missed in the city for college. The light was quickly fading from the sky and the stars were slowly starting to peek out. The air sent soft bumps rising across your skin in response to the temperature change.

You barely noticed the exchange of words sent out in harsh tones until you saw who they belonged to. Tsukishima and Tendou were standing across from each other, words dripping venom as their bodies began to move closer to each other.

The familiar forms of boys about to get into a fight sent your body into an instinctual reaction. Practice built into the fiber of your being from all the confrontation you’d shut down in your time as a manager.

You easily slid yourself between them without a second thought, the flat of your palms finding each of their chests and lightly pushing them apart. They each took a step back, probably from shock rather than the force you’d pushed them apart as you started to ramble off.

“Come on now, no one’s supposed to be actually fighting tonight,” you insisted, closing your eyes and shaking your head lightly. “All fun and jokes tonight and it will not be on my watch that a fight breaks out.”

The slight buzz in your veins from your drinks had you forgetting that who you were spouting off to were not your old Seijoh boys. That they were not the boys you were usually lecturing. That they were, instead, the boys— the men you’d never actually found yourself in a conversation with despite how often you’d dreamed them up. Men who probably didn’t even know who you—

“You’re the little manager from Seijoh, right?” A voice from your left sounded off, deep and smooth, a playful lilt to the tone as it up-ticked on his last word.

“Yeah, yeah," a voice from your right mused, indifference leaking into his words as he acknowledged who you were as well. “Iwaizumi’s little sister, yeah?”

And suddenly the warmth inside your veins from the drinks you’d had seemed to turn into ice, freezing you in your place.

They knew who you were?

The reality of the situation crashed down onto you. You were standing between two men who were much, much bigger than you.

You swallowed hard as you took a step back to have them both in your view at once. Both of them easily towered over you. Even with their slouched postures, their long limbs made height no competition.

You had never seen either of them this close before and you felt yourself try to swallow the ball of nerves suddenly formed in your throat as you stared up at them.

You could see the defined lines of their muscles running across their skin and suddenly you were once again falling victim to all the little fantasies your teenage self had dreamed up all those years ago. You felt your face heat up as they both stared down at you and you quickly realized that you hadn’t responded to either of them.

You, despite your realization, couldn’t force yourself to push out any sort of response. A small pathetic squeak was the only noise that came out as your mind derailed into images of all the times you’d thought of them while you touched yourself.

You had always thought of them separately, however, now here they both were. Standing in front of you. Together.

Your eyes darted between the two of them quickly, your brain trying to force your body to move or your voice to come out, to no avail.

Tendou was the first one to reach out and try to grab your attention. If you had been as observant as Tendou, you would have noticed the way Tsukishima’s eyes had trailed to the bottom hem of your dress, resting on your revealed upper thighs.

Tendou’s smirk was easy as he lifted his hand. You jumped at first contact, his fingers hot as he brushed them along your jaw, lifting it so that you could look at him as he stepped into your personal space. His voice slipped out of his throat easily as his eyes flicked over your features, taking in every small reaction. “What’s wrong little bunny?” His head tilted at the question, smirk forming a mocking pout. “You’re not scared, are you?” The teasing lilt of his voice sent a new layer of goosebumps rushing across your skin as you struggled to reply.

Your attention was stolen as Tsukishima scoffed and stepped next to Tendou, easily swatting away Tendou’s hand and replacing it with his own. Your jaw was turned easily, forcing your gaze to him now. “Is this guy bothering you?” He gave no pause for me to answer his question even if I had my wits about me before he continued to speak, “why don’t you come with me, pretty girl?”

You felt your thighs squeeze together involuntarily and your eyes widened as you looked up at him in shock. Tendou’s laugh seemed to bring not only you, but Tsukishima as well, back to the moment.

As both of their touches left your body, you stood between them again, completely lost as they turned their eyes away from you and, instead, they looked over you. Yet another reminder to yourself of how much bigger they were. You shrunk in your own skin at the intensity they used to stare at each other, but your legs stayed pressed together as you intently watched every twitch of their jaws.

“What?” Tendou laughed at Tsukishima, inviting him to participate In a little game. “Do you think you could reach deeper than me?” You choked on the air trying to escape your lungs and looked up at Tendou shocked, trying to process the taunt that had just left his lips. Tendou had lifted his hand again, he displayed it in front of your face then, wiggling his fingers lightly as if to show me their movement range and length. “Come on bunny, tell me I could go deeper than Mr. Vanilla here.” Mr. Vanilla, a taunt that he’d assigned to Tsukishima back in your first year. A taunt that dared you to say a contradictory statement.

Tsukishima stole your attention again, staring at his fingers brushing down your arm as he wrapped them easily around your wrist. You whimpered as you registered that his fingers were just as long as his current competitor’s.

“Don’t worry, pretty,” you stared in awe as he bent down lightly, bringing his face inches from yours, “I’ll prove him wrong, and then you can be mine.” You swallowed hard again, your eyes flickered over to Tendou as Tsukishaima’s grip tightened on your arm, demanding your attention again. “All mine, right?” His tone screamed ‘condescension’ and your brain and body were melting under the possessive words and touches.

You barely registered your feet following blindly along as the two of them ushered you through the unfamiliar territory of the Shiratorizawa campus towards the dorm rooms. You registered Tendou slipping a key into the door of one of the rooms.

Each of those who came in from out of town for the reunion had been offered up a room in the dorms to stay in for the weekend. Part of the overly generous sponsorship of Shiratorizawa Academy.

Hands brushed against your body easily, wandering touches from both the men, grasping at the thin fabric covering your body. Your head was swimming and you had no idea what to do with yourself.

One of your arms rested on the shoulder of Tendou in front of you as his hands were pushing down the straps of your dress. He was bent towards you, pressing kisses into the left side of your neck and trailing them to your collarbone, sucking marks into your skin.

Your other arm was reaching behind you, hand grasping onto Tsukishima’s hair as his fingers easily were bringing down the zipper on your dress. He was bent towards you as well, sucking his own marks into the right side of your neck.

You were pressed onto your toes in this position, both their hands holding you up to ease their own bending. Your head was stuck in place, head tilted towards the ceiling, your eyes half shut as you let yourself be consumed by the dizzying feeling of their lips and hands on your skin.

“I hate how gorgeous you look," Tsukishima whispered under your ear, his hot breath fanning across the wet marks he’d just left. His tone was heavy and his voice had gotten deeper since entering the room, a shiver forced its way down your spine at his words.

“No idea how much I’d wished I could get your hands on you back in high school," Tendou pushed down the top of your dress, slipping the fabric below your chest as he immediately moved his mouth lower. Delivering hot kisses to the tops of your breasts, he slowed down your processing of his words. Did he just— “I would watch you at games you know.” The words were paired with his mouth latching around one of your nipples. A harsh gasp was forced out of your mouth, your chest arching towards his mouth.

“You have any idea how fucking irritating it was,” Tsukishima pushed the fabric of your dress down lower, past your hips so that it could pool at your feet, his hands immediately finding purchase on your hips, “to know such a cute little thing like you couldn’t be touched?” You felt his fingers tighten across your hips and whimpered lightly as he rolled his own hips harshly into yours.

“Look how small you look between us bunny," Tendou teased and you shrunk in your skin again. Your thighs pressed together hotly only to be knocked back apart by one of Tsukishima’s legs from behind. “It’s so cute how shy you get when we remind you.”

You felt your face heat up even more, the flush spreading down your neck and up your ears. You let out a small noise in the back of your throat as Tsukishima stood back to his full height and pressed his body flush to yours. “What’s the matter, pretty girl?” He was rubbing hard circles into the sensitive skin of your hips and your breathing stuttered as Tendou removed his mouth from your chest.

“You look a little nervous," Tendou teased as he stood back up to his full height, pressing his body into your front. You caught both of them in your eyeline as they gave you predatory stares. They really did make you feel like a stupid bunny who’d been caught by two wolves. Two wolves who were fighting over which one would get to have you for dinner. They were willing to split you in two to win. “We’re just playing a little game.” His voice was playful but his smirk told you that you would not come out of this alive.

“Come on Tendou,” Tsukishima chuckled as his circles continued, forcing your hips to involuntarily jerk into his, “let’s explain to her the game.”

“You get to decide who wins, baby," Tendou cooed in your ear, his fingers finding their way to flick over your nipples, still wet from his mouth, pulling a whine from your throat. “We’re gonna figure out who’s better with their fingers.”

Your eyes widened as you processed Tendou’s words. You looked up at him, his expression was playful, like he was conducting a simple experiment. You had no doubt that he meant every word of what he said.

“Your body decides the winner, really," Tsukishima laughed and you quickly changed the target of your eyes. You felt your eyelashes flutter slightly as Tendou pressed another sloppy kiss to your collarbone. “It’s a game of who can make you cum more," he whispered against the hollow of your ear.

You tensed at the prospect. It was no time to feel shy, standing before the two men in nothing but a pair of panties, but your face heated up nonetheless. The expectations of their fingers and kisses caused your thighs to press together. You could feel the heat pooling in your abdomen, excitement and anxiousness fraying every nerve of yours. You were hyper-aware of Tendou’s fingers trailing down your stomach towards your last remaining item of clothing. Hyper-aware of Tsukishima’s fingers bruising your hips before soothing them, only to do it again.

Tsukishima’s kisses trailed to the front of your neck, your head falling back onto his shoulder as he sucked tiny marks into your skin. Your breathing became weighted and soft moans fell out of your mouth at the overload of touches that you were feeling. “Who’s making you feel this good, pretty girl?” Tsukishima taunted against your throat.

You were fighting against the foggy feeling in your brain, trying to come up with an answer. Truthfully, you didn’t know. You couldn’t pick between the two of them, their smells, the heat coming off them, their touches overwhelming your senses in tandem. You were so focused on trying to get your tongue to form the syllables in your mouth that you didn’t notice Tendou’s movements—not until your body was completely lifted off the ground, your knees being hooked easily over his shoulders.

You gasped loudly at their quick and effortless change. Tsukishima had switched his grip so that he helped suspend you in the air by an arm wrapped around your waist, the rest of your weight being placed on Tendou’s shoulders. Tendou’s grip around your upper thighs came with fingertips digging into the soft flesh of one of your thighs as the other hand easily cupped your ass, kneading into it. Your attention was drawn to the way Tsukishima took up the mantle of handling your nipples, rolling them softly between his fingers before pinching to draw a cry from your lips.

Your attention snapped back to the man between your thighs as he bit lightly into the inside of your thigh. You cried out but the pain was quickly washed over by Tendou’s tongue brushed softly over the bruising skin. “Te-tendou,” you panted out as you looked down at him, Tsukishima’s bites on your neck causing your words to sit heavy on your tongue as you whimpered again.

“No need to be so formal," Tendou teased as he sucked another mark onto the sensitive skin of your hip. You whimpered out, hips pushing towards him against your will as Tsukishima held your upper body in place. “Call me Satori.” He smirked up at you, locking eyes with you before licking lightly up your thigh, closer to your panties.

“Sa-ahh,” you tossed your head back as Tendou interrupted you with a hard press of his tongue, flattening it and dragging it up your core through your panties. Panties that you had no doubt were either already or about to be soaked through—ruined. “Satori, please,” you whimpered, trying to bring your attention back to watch him kneeling there. You tried to take in the sight before you, his bright hair was damp from the match he’d played just half an hour prior. It wasn’t spiked up like it had been back in high school, the soft natural waves were pushed back and out of his eyes. His eyes that were trying to lock with yours, analyzing your every reaction. He pulled back just as you accidentally pushed your hips towards him—having guessed that was what you would do even without your own prior knowledge of it.

“I want to hear you ask me for it,” you could feel his hot breath against your core and you whined. A new wave of heat flushed through your abdomen and you could feel your thighs tensing. By the smirk he wore, you knew Tendou did too. He trained his teeth to bite into your flesh once again. “You smell so good, bunny.”

“Please,” you whimpered out, a fresh flush climbing up your face as you tried to form the question. Tendou hummed against your inner thigh, close to the edge of your panties. Licking teasingly, his tongue just barely brushing under the hem and you cried out in frustration. “Please Satori," you sobbed out, the stimulation Tsukishima had against your chest was nothing close to the amount that your body was begging for. “Satori, want you to eat me out," you begged, your shame only serving to flood your panties more. “Want to feel your fingers in me," you slammed your eyes shut in embarrassment but that didn’t stop you from hearing him.

“Oh ho?” You could hear his smirk in his voice. “What the cutie wants, she gets.”

Your panties were torn easily from your body, the sound of ripping fabric filling your ears. You, however, had no time to react to the sound before you were assaulted with the instant pleasure of Tendou’s hot tongue pressing against your core. The lewd sound of him slurping up your wetness pulling a cry out of your lips as his tongue flicked over your clit.

“This wet from just a few kisses?” Tsukishima shamed you in your ear. You whimpered and nodded, keeping your eyes squeezed shut. “Don’t be mean," Tsukishima commanded, his hand lifting from your chest to tilt your head down. “Look at him when he’s making you feel so good," you whimpered and pulled your eyes open, looking down. Tendou was already looking at your face, a smirk still on his lips as he went to suck your clit into his mouth. “Why don’t you thank him?” Tsukishima laughed as he felt your body tighten up.

You whimpered as you stared down at Tendou. He hummed in content, sending vibrations through your body. “Th-thank you-” the last syllable drawled out of your mouth as you felt Tendou press his tongue into your entrance. Your jaw hung open as your head fell forward, watching him through half-lidded eyes. He pulled away for a second and smirked at the whine that left your body from the lack of contact.

“Don’t thank me yet," he chuckled before latching his lips back onto your clit. The moan that fell from your lips was broken and interrupted by a loud gasp as Tendou slipped one of his long fingers inside of you. You whimpered at the depth, no one had reached that far into you with just a finger before. The arousal pooling in your abdomen, leaked out around his finger and he pulled his mouth just far enough away from you to speak. “You’re so fucking tight, baby," he moaned out the words and immediately pressed his tongue back to your clit. Soft licks making your head dizzy as he pushed in another finger.

The feeling of being stretched by his fingers while he licked dutifully at your clit had moans of need falling unabashedly off your tongue. “Please,” you begged as he started to thrust his fingers into you, his knuckles brushing against your entrance every time he pushed in, “’tori please.” You could feel the tightening in your core and tried to push your hips down into his hand and mouth. Tendou smirked up at you and picked up the pace of his tongue. He pressed harder against your clit, switching between sucking and licking on it, his fingers twisted inside of you and curled towards himself. The thrusts of his fingers turned into stroked as he buried his fingers as deep into you as he could, pressing against your g-spot.

A string of curses fell from your mouth as his pace became unforgiving. Your fingers found a way to curl into his hair, your head falling back onto Tsukishima’s shoulder. “You gonna cum for him?” Tsukishima asked in your ear. You nodded your head frantically, the curses coming louder as the coil curled impossibly tighter. “Cum then, cum like a little slut all over him.” Tsukishima sucked onto the skin under your ear and you felt yourself come undone.

The moan you let out, was more akin to a scream as you felt your body tighten and then relax in rapid succession. Tendou’s pace didn’t let up until your grip on his hair loosened. He chuckled as he pulled his face away from you. Your head lifted slightly to see the mess he sported. His hair was messier than before, sticking up softly from where your hands had just been, the bottom half of his face was slick from a mix of your wetness and his own saliva. Your hips protested as he dragged his fingers out of you, trying to follow him but being held in place by Tsukishima’s arm.

He wiped his face lazily with the neck of his t-shirt and you whined as Tendou brought his fingers to his lips. His tongue darted out as he licked a long stripe up them. “Wanna taste?” He teased, bringing his fingers to your lips as he let your legs drop and stood up. Tsukishima’s grip on you kept your toes a few inches off the ground as your legs dangled. The two still towered over you and your eyes followed to look up at Tendou as his eyes trained on the way your lips parted obediently for your tongue to lick his fingers clean. His fingers lay heavy on your lips as you tasted yourself on them and his eyes glanced over your head to look at Tsukishima. “I think that’s one point for me," he taunted with a lazy smirk on his lips.

You shrieked in surprise as Tsukishima let out a low growl and dropped your body. You fell forward, your shaky legs buckling at the impact of the floor on your feet. Your chest collided with Tendou’s as his free arm wrapped around your waist, supporting you as his other fingers staying on your lips, coaxing your tongue out of your mouth. Tsukishima’s fingers entered you from behind as you were distracted, knocking the breath out of you as his two fingers pressed in easily.

“Fuck," Tsukishima cursed as he spread his fingers inside of you. “You really are fucking tight.” He groaned and your eyes rolled back easily as he started to move them in and out of you. The moan you let out was cut off as Tendou easily shoved his fingers into your mouth, testing your gag reflex. Your eyes snapped open to look up at Tendou to find him staring down at his fingers in your mouth.

Tsukishima’s movements were a contrast to Tendou’s, instead of curling and stroking, he wasted no time beginning to piston his fingers in and out of you. Pulling gargled cries out of you, the stimulation of his fingers so soon after your release had your nerves lighting up and the coil in your core reforming lightning fast. Tendou pressed his fingers in your mouth further and smiled as you tilted your head back for his easier access.

“What a good little bunny,” he praised you and you could feel yourself tighten around Tsukishima’s fingers, a groan leaving his lips in response. Tendou tilted your head back further with his fingers at the front of your throat, forcing you to look up at Tsukishima behind you. “Look how cute you are with those tears in your eyes.”

“You love how big we are don’t you?” Tsukishima taunted, his fingers sending your body tightening along with his words. “How easily we can make you fall apart?” He chuckled as your eyes rolled back, the pressure of Tendou’s fingers on your tongue and of Tsukishima’s pounding into you becoming too much as you fell over the edge again. The only noises you could make came out as lewd gurgles around the fingers in your throat as you came on the fingers inside you. “One for me.”

Tendou’s fingers left your mouth, allowing soft moans to escape from your body as Tsukishima’s fingers didn’t stop moving. You gasped at the sudden intrusion of Tendou’s fingers pressing into you next to Tsukishima’s. Your body was shaking, reeling from the aftereffects of the orgasms that had been ripped out of you in such a short amount of time.

Your mind grew fuzzy, the only thing you could focus on being the way their fingers moved at different paces, both reaching deeper inside of you. The competition of who would be the one to make you fall over the edge. The noises fell out of your mouth as a mix of whines and moans and pleas—for what? You weren’t sure. You were deaf to any words that fell from their lips as you were overwhelmed by them. You felt another orgasm crash over you with no warning, knocking the air out of your lungs and causing your body to seize up.

Their fingers both pulled out of you, all support on your body disappearing. You fell easily out of their arms, trying to gasp air into your body as you fell. Your knees crashed to the ground harshly but you couldn’t be bothered by the pain of the impact when your whole body was still buzzing from the pleasure.

“Aww, bunny," Tendou cooed at you, his hand gripping your chin and tilting your head up. He pulled your bottom lip down lazily as you looked up at him with half-open eyes. “If you wanted to be on your knees for us, you just had to let us know," you whined lightly and watched his thumb as he pulled his hand from your face.

“Look how cute you look down there,” Tsukishima teased, coming to stand in front of you, next to Tendou, “already drunk on us?” He clicked his tongue in disappointment at you and you looked up at him, the need to win his approval clawing at your insides. “You haven’t even seen your prize yet.”

You watched in awe as the two of them shared a small look before they reached for their shirts. A firm grip on the back collar of their shirts and a fluid movement that pulled the fabric over their heads. The sight of their muscles flexing and the reveal of their picture-perfect abs had your mouth hanging open as you stared.

You could feel the light amount of drool collecting in the corners of your mouth as you locked your eyes on their hands and how their long and nimble fingers— the ones that had just been inside of you and making you fall apart— easily undid the buttons on their jeans. Jeans that, until this point, had done a wonderful job of denying you the pleasure of feeling just how hard your positions had been making them.

You could register their voices coming out, but your ears tuned out the actual words as your eyes flicked between the bulges now staring you right in the face. Small wet patches staining the fabric of their briefs. The second their briefs came off, you were pressing your thighs together at the sudden rush of wetness you felt flood towards your core. Your eyes widened as you watched their lengths bob lightly as they were released— thick and long and so so pretty. You couldn’t decide who you wanted to look at more, your eyes flicking back and forth in awe as you were pretty sure some drool started to leak down your lips.

“Come on pretty girl,” a light tap to the side of your face had your ears working again as Tsukishima’s voice came into focus, “which do you think is longer?” You couldn’t answer. Their lengths were both so impressive and from your angle you couldn’t tell if one was longer or not.

Your silence was greeted with Tendou’s taunting voice. “Look at you,” he chuckled and you knew he was wearing a smirk but you couldn’t pull your eyes to look anywhere but the cocks that you wanted so desperately to reach out and touch now, “pretty little slut, so transfixed by a couple of big cocks. Huh, bunny?” You swallowed hard, registering the words but not finding the willpower to do anything but take in the details of their cocks. The pretty veins running along the underside of them, the precum leaking out the tip, the way their hands wrapped around their own bases snugly and supported them in your line of view.

“C’mon baby,” Tsukishima’s voice seemed irritated and his hand tapping on your cheek again, “can’t even answer a little question, can you?” You let out a soft whine, not being able to form words as you watched his hand give his length a languid stroke.

“Aww, that’s okay,” Tendou’s voice came out sweetly as your eyes flicked to see the way he squeezed around his length, more liquid dripping out of the tip, “we can find out who fills her better in a minute.”

And that was what it took to break your trance because— oh fuck. You were going to have to fit those inside of you? You snapped your eyes up to their faces. Predatory smirks graced their lips as they looked at you with narrow eyes.

“They,” You swallowed hard, your voice coming out whiny as you could feel your still-wet eyelashes brush your eyelids, “they’re not gonna fit.” Both of the men in front of you let out a groan as they looked down at you, their eyes filled with the faintest residual of self-restraint.

You didn’t realize how wobbly your lips were until Tendou pulled on your bottom one, steadying it. With his thumb pulling it down, he cupped your jaw with the rest of his hand. “We’re going to make them fit, right?” The condescension flooded his voice as his grip on your jaw made your head nod up and down in affirmation. Your body face heated up again at the implication and you felt your uneven breathing catch in your throat again. “Fuck I wanna ruin you," he mumbled, staring at your wide eyes.

“Look how cute and obedient you are," Tsukishima praised down at you, watching as you started to nod on your own. Your eyes fluttered shut as he ran his fingers gently down your hair. You leaned into his touch as the tips of his fingers massaged into your scalp. He suddenly made a fist and jerked your head back to look up at the two of them. His eyes filled with pride at the cry that was ripped from your lips. “Gonna be a good slut and get our cocks nice and wet?” You nodded easily, not even second guessing the motion as you licked your lips excitedly.

“Senpai first," Tendou teased as he pulled your chin towards his hips. “Open up bunny.” You let your lips part hesitantly, your tongue flicking out to lick softly at the head of Tendou’s cock. You reached your hands out, wrapping one around Tsukishima and one around Tendou, meeting their own hands hesitantly. You let them guide the movements of your hands as you licked again.

You gathered the salty liquid from his tip onto your tongue and glanced up at him to gauge his reaction. His eyes were half shut, watching you carefully as his chest heaved. Heavy pants fell from his lips and you decided to push forward. You stretched your lips carefully around his tip and gave an experimental suck. A soft moan left his lips and you smiled at it. You licked along the bottom of his length as you attempted to take more of him in. You loosened your jaw and started to bob your head. The stretch of your jaw stung but it was worth it to hear the moans fall out of Tendou’s mouth as you moved.

After a few minutes, Tendou groaned and wove one of his hands through your hair. “You trust me right?” You paused your movements and looked up at him, nodding the best you could with your mouth full like it was. His free hand came to unwrap your hand from his length and you let him drop it back to your side. your eyes watched him carefully, your other hand still pumping up and down Tsukishima to the side. “Gonna let me make you a little soppy, bunny?” His question was soft and you nodded hesitantly. His smirk grew and suddenly both his hands were in your hair.

He held your head in place and thrusted into your throat quickly. You let out a strangled squeak, your head instinctually trying to pull back as tears sprung to the corners of your eyes. Both men chuckled above you at the panicked look that filled your eyes before he picked up his thrusting. One of his hands fell to your jaw, keeping it pried open, using his grip on your head to thrust in rougher. The wet sound of your gagging sent both of the men above you moaning and more wetness dripping onto the tops of your thighs.

“Fuck that feels so good baby," Tendou moaned, his head tossing back as he kept up his thrusts. You could feel the drool falling down your chin, the tears from your eyes spilling over onto your cheeks and mixing into the drool.

A second hand in your hair ripped you away from Tendou’s cock easily. Your mouth hung open, strings of saliva connecting your lips to him. You panted, trying to catch your breath, your chest heaving as your tongue hung out of your mouth. You barely had time to take in gulps of air before the emptiness in your mouth was filled by Tsukishima.

Your eyes rolled back easily as he chose to keep his hips still and instead used his grip on your hair to bob your head up and down roughly. Your throat protested at the rough treatment, tightening as he abused it easily. Tears flooded through your eyes squeezed shut but the sounds of their moans kept you in your place. Your nails digging into your palms as you thought about the disgusting amount of pleasure flooding your lower half.

Your head was dizzy as you zoned in on their voices. “You getting off on this little slut?” Tsukishima’s words came out in a mix of groans as he struggled to hide how much pleasure he was in.

“Of course she is,” Tendou’s voice was paired with the wet sounds of him stroking his cock, his fingers gathered some of the drool dripping off your chin, your watery eyes watching as he brought it to aid his motions, “little bunny just loves how much bigger we are.”

You whined around Tsukishima’s cock, the sound coming out wet and gargled. “You love being pushed around by us?” Tsukishima taunted, dragging your lips off his cock and turning your head so that Tendou could push his way back into your mouth. He gave a couple hard thrusts before pulling out again. Each had a hand in your hair, pulling you back and forth. Tsukishima thrusted into your lips again and you fought back a wet sob as you gagged. “Like us using you how we want.”

You gasped desperately as your mouth was freed again, the lower half of your face covered in spit and precum. Tears flowed steadily from your eyes but you kept your jaw held open. “Look so precious crying over our cocks, bunny," Tendou’s voice cooed down at you. Your vision was blurry but your ears were overwhelmed by the sounds of their voices and the moans falling from their lips.

“You wanna be filled up now, pretty girl?” Tsukishima’s taunt cut through to you and you whined around whoever’s cock was stuffed in your throat. Trying your hardest to nod when you couldn’t move much.

“Come on messy girl," Tendou said playfully, and you were pulled away from both of them, gulping in air as you felt the cold air hit your wet face and neck. “Beg for it.”

You whined up at him but did it without thinking. “Please," your voice was hoarse and breathy as you panted out the words. “Want it. Want it so bad," you brushed the back of your hand against your mouth, wiping tears and drool and a little snot away. You sniffled pathetically at how disgusting you felt.

“Want what, slut?” Tsukishima laughed, pinching your cheeks together as you looked up at them. The way they towered over you forcing you to feel the slick on your thighs drip even lower.

“Be specific, bunny," Tendou pouted at you, a small smirk pulling on the corner of his lips.

You whimpered at both of them, the shame filling your cheeks with heat. “Wanna be filled with your cocks please," you begged, sniffling as you looked up at them with wide eyes.

“Aww, cute little bunny," Tendou teased, slapping Tsukishima’s hand away from your face and pulling you up onto shaky legs. “You ask so well, don’t wanna disappoint the cutie.” He placed you back between the two of them, facing you towards Tsukishima and pressing against your back.

You let out a shocked squeak as he lifted you up easily. He wrapped his arms around your thighs easily, gripping onto your elbows to trap you in place, your back flush to his chest and your thighs spread—putting you on display for Tsukishima. You could feel his tip pressing lightly against your entrance, barely pushing in. The stretch was already making your eyes water but you whined for him, trying to push your hips down to no avail, babbling out pleas.

“You ready baby?” Tendou whispered in your ear, his eyes locking with Tsukishima over your shoulder. Tsukishima who had his own eyes trained on where your pussy was clenching around Tendou’s tip begging to be filled. “Want me to go slow?” His voice was teasing and you couldn’t take it anymore.

You shook your head desperately. “Please," you begged, a soft sob coming out of your mouth. “Jus’ want you," your words came out slurred and whiny as you tried to push your hips down onto his. “Need you now,” you cried, “not slow please," you begged. “Wan’ be fucked ‘Tori.”

Tendou chuckled darkly and you felt Tsukishima grip your chin to bring your attention to him. “You asked for it, bunny." Tendou dropped you down quickly, laughing at the scream that tore its way from your throat at the feeling of the intense stretch. Your eyes squeezed shut as you felt the burning pain engulf your body. You felt Tsukishima’s lips press to your cheek, kissing away the tears that streamed out of your eyes. “C’mon bunny,” Tendou whispered in your ear, his voice strained at the snugness of being inside of you finally, “you’re okay right?” His lips pressed to the opposite cheek of Tsukishima’s, kissing softly before licking up some of your tears cruelly. You whimpered in response, trying desperately to relax your body around him so he could move.

“You’re so pretty when you cry, baby," Tsukishima cooed, forcing you to open your eyes and look at him. You could barely focus, your chest heaving up and down as you panted, Tendou’s cock pressing so deeply into you, kissing your cervix, deeper than I’d ever felt anything before. “You said you wanted it, right?” Tsukishima mocked.

You nodded stubbornly. You had. You had said you wanted it. You did want it. Whimpers fell out of your mouth in the form of ‘yes’s. “You can take me, right baby?” Tendou asked, one hand coming up to aid your head in nodding.

“C’mon little one, tell us what you want," Tsukishima prompted, smirking at the glazed-over look in your eye. “Ask for it.”

You whimpered as Tendou moved his hand back into its position on your arm, his breath hot on your neck. “Move please," you cried, pushing through the pain. “Wanna feel you move," you panted as you felt his grip tighten around you. “Please ‘Tori.”

At the sound of his name you felt Tendou’s lips smirk against your cheek. His arms easily flexed to lift you up and drop you back down. You cried out loudly. Babbling out ‘thank you’s and whines as he bounced you quickly. The pain gave way to pleasure at the way he made you feel so full. The friction he built causing the coiling to start.

Tendou’s lips trailed down to your neck, marking it more as he bounced you quicker. Tsukishima, in front of you, caught one of your nipples in his mouth, his fingers catching the other one. Your eyes rolled back, your cries turning into loud moans and curses falling off your tongue. Pleas for more coming out as simple babbles, the words refusing to form properly as your brain tried to process the feeling of being pushed closer and closer to the edge. You couldn’t even tighten around him, too stretched out to, as you felt yourself tipping over the edge.

You came with a scream, your body going limp in his arms. Tsukishima easily pulled you into his own arms. You whined at the feeling of loss as Tendou slipped out of you. You weren’t empty for long, your arms instinctually wrapping around his neck for stability as his cock slipped inside of you. You tried to wrap your legs around his waist, his hands gripping onto your ass as he bounced you up and down. Loud moans fell out of your mouth, Tsukishima’s groans filling your ears.

The stretch that came from Tsukishima hurt just a little less. your mind was dizzy, your eyes blurry as he fucked himself into you. Tendou cooed praises into your ear as Tsukishima got rougher, his hips slamming into yours. The tip of his cock hitting just the perfect spot repeatedly. It was different than Tendou, harder and rougher, he bullied another sobbing orgasm from your body. You screamed out and felt him still inside of you.

You were gasping, every nerve ending on fire, flinching at every small graze from Tendou and Tsukishima’s fingers. You felt Tendou’s hard chest press back against your back and you snapped your eyes to look back up at them.

“You’ve got more in you, right pretty girl?” Tsukishima said softly, commanding your attention, you whimpered at the feeling of his cock throbbing inside of you. “Wanna keep being our good little slut, right?” Your eyes widened as you felt Tendou press the head of his cock against where Tsukishima had already stretched you out.

You whimpered and turned your head slightly to lock your fearful eyes onto Tendou. His darkened eyes looked at your tears hungrily. “It's okay, bunny," the softness of his voice was contradicting the look in his eyes. “You can take us, right?” He coaxed, soft fingers brushing over your lips. “Be our good little girl?” Your eyes glanced between theirs. Their pleading looks had you nodding your head without thinking, giving into their pleas even as you could feel the tears starting again.

“Fuck” and “Good girl” were moaned out simultaneously in your ears as Tendou eased himself in slowly, his cock snug against Tsukishima’s in your tiny entrance.

You let out a wet sob as your head dropped forward against Tsukishima. You felt the tears fall in steady streams from your eyes as you whimpered in pain. Tsukishima’s fingers were gentle as they pressed under your jaw, guiding your chin back up. “You’re so good for us," he praised in a soft whisper, a soft moan following right after. He kissed away some of your tears.

“You’re so pretty crying for us." Tendou’s fingers brushed hair away from your eyes gently, softly turning your face to capture your lips in a gentle kiss. “You still want to take us?” You realized through the fog that the whisper against your lips was a check in. A chance for you to call it quits and find relief from the overwhelming feelings spilling out of you.

You paused for a second, the pain of your lower half screaming at you to stop. But you couldn’t help yourself, not when you had every fantasy of yours right on the verge of coming true. You shook your head adamantly. “Please," you whimpered out, your voice quiet, getting caught in your throat. “Wanna cum on your cocks again," you begged mindlessly. “Want you to make me cry," you sniffled, looking away from both of them. “Feels so good.”

They shared a smirk above your head and without replying, started their brutal assault. Moving at different times, tearing a sobbing moan from your mouth as you came without warning. “Already baby?” but your brain was too fuzzy to recognize whose voice was saying it. You had a hand on each of them, mindlessly clawing at them as they alternated who was filling you. The constant fullness numbing your brain as they took turns hitting into your cervix.

You could feel Tsukishima’s hands gripping onto your ribcage, his thumbs under your breasts. Tendou’s arms were wrapped under your legs again, spreading them to ease their access. You felt Tendou’s fingers brush over your clit, pulling screams of curses out of you as your body convulsed in their arms. “Tell us who’s filling you better baby.” The command filled up your head through their moans. “Who’s making you cum like this baby?”

The realization crashed over you at that comment. The realization that your body was cumming without your permission, without your knowledge, at the onslaught from the two men.

“Fu-fuck, Kei!” You cried out, throwing your head back, “’T-tori," you whimpered as you heard them both let out loud moans. You sobbed again as you felt them both release inside of you, the feeling of their release being so deep inside of you and slowly leaking out around their cocks making your vision go splotchy.

You whimpered as you felt Tsukishima pull out first, his hands still supporting you as Tendou followed after. The sudden feeling of emptiness sent a rush of emotions through your body that you couldn’t quite process. You felt them lower you softly, neither removing their hands from your body, completely supporting your weight. Their fingers rubbed soothingly across your skin, brushing over every bruise and mark they had left on your body.

Soft praises fell from your lips as they tried to help your body calm down. “You did so good for us, bunny," Tendou whispered, soft kisses pressing to your temple.

“You look so pretty when you’re all spent like this," Tsukishima mumbled. With your eyes shut, you relied on their touches and words to keep you grounded.

“Let us help you out, okay baby," Tendou whispered as Tsukishima’s grip left your body. “Just relax, okay," you whimpered at the feeling of a wet towel being pressed to the inside of your thigh. You pulled your eyes open to see Tsukishima there, moving the towel gently as he cleaned up the mess he and Tendou had made of you.

“Come on pretty girl," Tsukishima said softly when he was done, taking your weight from Tendou as Tendou slipped soft fabric over your body. You registered the fabric as the shift Tendou had been wearing earlier.

You were scooped up into Tendou’s arms easily and he set you on the bed, propping you up to sit against him. You whimpered at the movement but was quickly soothed again. “We got you.”

Your head felt light, droopy as Tsukishima pressed a cold glass to your lips. “Drink some water, please.” You let your lips part to sip, the cold liquid soothing the roughness in your throat.

A soft tug on your hair came as Tendou softly brushed out the tangles from your hair. Gentle fingers working against your scalp as you let your eyes fall shut again.

“Your phone is going crazy," Tsukishima warned as Tendou finally let you lay back against the soft mattress. You found yourself gripping onto Tendou’s arm as he laid next to you.

“Let her sleep," Tendou whispered back in warning. “Don’t worry about it, baby," he mumbled into your hair, kissing the top of your head as you could feel your consciousness start to slip away.

You barely registered the sound of the door opening and closing as you snuggled into the warmth Tendou provided. Your phone was long forgotten and irrelevant on the bedside table. You would deal with the consequences later.

3 new messages from Kunimi

5 new messages from Haji

2 missed calls from Kindaichi

1 missed call from Mattsun

5 new messages from Toru

4 missed calls from Kyotani

3 new messages from Fuyuko

6 new messages from Kyotani

10 missed calls from Haji

1 new message from Makki: Little Iwa, you better hope your brother doesn’t find out who you ran off with. Have fun ;)

a/n rewriting this made me just as insane as the first time...

TAGLIST -

@intergalacticrory @tsukiran @awkwardaardvarkforever @all-in-the-fandoms @mightyknight501

@pearl-blue-musings @qichun @megumuro @s0uldarling @samus-onigiri-stand

@seiri-ously @deepenthevoid @albakugo @winniethepooh-lover @stunies

@little-miss-naill @theycallmenanamisgirl @cl-0-vr @iluv-ace @appalost

@rockrose-blossoms @afire24 @Crystal-lilac

[aceyalonso]

F1 drivers if they were on the r/AITAH subreddit

drivers : oscar piastri, lando norris, charles leclerc, lewis hamilton, carlos sainz, max verstappen, george russell, franco colapinto

warnings/notes : jos verstappen 🤮

a/n : i know i said i was on hiatus but c'mon this was such a fun idea

main masterlist | taglist form

So this might sound weird, but here goes. My girlfriend and I (both 23) love visiting new places, and she’s a big animal lover. She found this adorable cat café nearby and has been talking about going for weeks. I wasn’t as excited but figured it’d be fun to surprise her, so I booked us a spot and thought I’d try to make it extra special.

Here’s the thing: I wanted to be "that guy" who shows up with a bag of cat treats so all the cats would flock to us. It sounds ridiculous, but my goal was to make her day. When we got there, I pulled out the treats and instantly had a few cats’ attention. My girlfriend laughed, but within a few minutes, an employee came over, looking annoyed, and told me I couldn't give the cats treats from outside.

Apparently, they have specific diets or something, and I was "interfering." I apologized, put the treats away, and thought that was the end of it. But soon after, another employee came up, saying we were being "disruptive" because all the cats were lingering around us, and they even hinted we might need to leave if it didn’t stop. I hadn’t meant to cause a scene and told them it wasn’t a big deal—we’d stop and just hang out like everyone else. But by this point, my girlfriend was pretty embarrassed, and it killed the vibe of our day.

We left a bit earlier than planned, and now my girlfriend thinks it was a bit of a jerk move, even though she appreciated the effort. I didn’t mean to upset anyone or break the rules, just thought it’d be fun to make the cats a bit more social. But now I’m wondering if I messed up by not sticking to the café’s way of doing things.

So, AITAH?

Edit: I’ve learned my lesson. I will never underestimate the dietary regulations of a cat café ever again.

So, I (24M) have this bad habit of forgetting what’s in my fridge. A while ago, I bought some chicken, but I totally forgot about it, and it just sat there for months. I was cleaning out my fridge the other day and found the chicken at the back, and it still looked fine to me—didn’t smell bad, didn’t look weird—so I thought, "Why not? It’s still good."

I cooked it up, had a nice meal, and didn’t think much of it. But then, later that night, I told my mom about it (thinking she'd just laugh), and she completely freaked out. She went on this whole rant about food safety, salmonella, and how I could’ve poisoned myself. I was just like, "It tasted fine, mom, calm down."

She kept texting me all night asking if I felt okay, if I was getting any stomach pains, and even called a few of my friends to check in on me. Honestly, I’m fine—nothing happened, and I feel perfectly normal.

But now she’s upset with me, saying I’m being careless and that I should never eat food that old, even if it seems fine. I just didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. I mean, people eat leftovers all the time, right? It wasn’t even that old.

So, AITAH for eating chicken that’s been in my fridge for 9 months and making my mom worry unnecessarily?

Edit: Just to clarify, I didn’t intentionally keep it for 9 months. I honestly just forgot about it in the back of the fridge. And no, I’m not sick. Everything’s fine. I promise I won’t be eating anything old again anytime soon!

I (27M) have a dog, Leo, who’s basically my best friend. He’s super friendly and well-behaved, and honestly, I just feel better when he’s around. I bring him everywhere I go – to cafes, parks, and friend gatherings. You name it, Leo’s there. Most people are fine with it because he’s adorable and loves everyone.

Recently, though, my friends have started making comments about it. Last weekend, we met up at this small, cozy café for brunch, and I brought Leo along. He just curled up next to my chair and didn’t bother anyone. But my friend Paul pulled me aside afterward and said it was kind of annoying that I kept bringing Leo without asking. He said not everyone wants a dog around all the time, and it’s “getting old.”

I don’t understand where this is coming from, especially since Leo’s never caused any problems. I figured since no one had said anything before, they were fine with it. Plus, I’m always careful to keep him out of people’s way, and he’s honestly better behaved than most dogs I know. I feel like they’re making a big deal out of nothing, but now I’m wondering if maybe I should have checked with everyone first.

So, AITAH for always bringing my dog? Should I have asked before assuming everyone was okay with it?

Edit: Just for context, Leo’s a small dog – not the type to jump on people or bark a lot. He just sits quietly and naps most of the time. Also, I’ve always cleaned up after him when necessary, so he hasn’t left any “souvenirs” for anyone to deal with.

So, I (39M) have this friend, Nico (also 39M), and we’ve been friends since we were kids. We’re both super competitive by nature, and we tend to push each other a lot. Whether it’s video games, sports, or even something like mini-golf, everything somehow turns into a competition between us. It’s mostly just for fun… until recently.

A few weeks ago, we were at a friend’s birthday party, and they had one of those racing setups in the living room. Of course, Nico and I immediately challenged each other, and we both got really into it. I mean, I might’ve been trash-talking a bit (okay, maybe a lot), but we were both laughing, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.

Well, I ended up beating him by a fraction of a second, and I might’ve celebrated a bit too enthusiastically—think victory lap around the living room, calling him out in front of everyone, the whole deal. After that, Nico got pretty quiet and didn’t talk to me much for the rest of the night. Later, a mutual friend told me that Nico felt like I was “rubbing it in,” and it embarrassed him.

Now I feel bad. I honestly thought we were just having fun and didn’t realize he’d take it so personally. I tried to apologize, but he just brushed it off and hasn’t really been himself around me since.

So… AITAH for taking things a bit too far with my friend, or was it all just part of the usual friendly rivalry?

Edit: We’ve always had this kind of back-and-forth, so I’m not sure why this time it got to him. Just thought I’d get some outside perspective before I bring it up with him again.

Okay, I know this sounds insane, but hear me out. I (30M) love making pancakes, and I’m pretty proud of my recipe. It’s become sort of a tradition to make them for my family when I visit my parents. They’re always really nice about it and say they love them, but... I’m starting to think they’ve just been too polite.

A few weeks ago, I was at my parents’ house and decided to whip up a big batch of pancakes for breakfast. My mom and dad both had seconds, and I thought it was a win. But later that night, my mom started having really bad stomach pains. We took her to the hospital, and she ended up needing surgery for appendicitis. It was a scary experience, but thankfully, she’s okay now.

Here’s where it gets weirder. Just a few days after my mom came home from the hospital, my dad started having the same symptoms. At first, we joked that it was sympathy pains, but he ended up in the ER too, with the exact same issue—appendicitis.

Now my whole family is convinced it was my pancakes. I know logically that my cooking can’t cause appendicitis, but I can’t help but feel responsible because they both got sick right after eating my breakfast. My parents keep joking that they’re never eating my pancakes again, and my siblings have been giving me a hard time about it, saying I’m banned from the kitchen.

So, AITAH for giving both my parents appendicitis with my cooking, or am I just an unlucky chef?

Edit: Just to clarify, I don’t actually think I gave them appendicitis, but the timing is very suspicious, and now my parents are scared of my pancakes. I might need a new family recipe...

So, I (27M) have two cats (Jimmy & Sassy), and they’re pretty much my babies. They’re super affectionate with me but can be a bit picky about who they like. My dad (52M), on the other hand, isn’t exactly a "cat person." He’s more of the “why do you have pets that don’t do anything useful?” type, but he still visits often and tolerates them because he knows they’re important to me.

The other day, my dad came over, and as usual, my cats were lounging on the couch. He decided to sit down and give them a little nudge to move over, but instead of just shuffling away, one of my cats (Jimmy) swiped at his face. It wasn’t a deep scratch, but it was enough to leave a red mark and get my dad pretty annoyed. I couldn’t help but laugh a bit because he was acting all grumpy about it, muttering something about "those spoiled cats."

He got even more annoyed when he saw me laughing and said I should discipline my cats better and not let them scratch people. I tried explaining that cats are territorial and react like that when they’re suddenly pushed, especially by someone they’re not used to. I offered him a band-aid, but he refused and ended up leaving earlier than planned.

Now my mom is telling me I should’ve been more sympathetic and that I should’ve scolded my cat instead of laughing. But honestly, I feel like it was just a normal cat reaction, and my dad knows how they can be. So now I’m wondering, AITAH for laughing when my cat scratched my dad’s face instead of taking it more seriously?

Edit: Just to clarify, my cats don’t usually attack people. They’re very cuddly with me and my friends, but my dad’s not around them enough for them to be comfortable. I’ll definitely make sure he approaches them differently next time... if he ever wants to come back!

So, this might sound a bit weird, but hear me out. I (26M) work at this company, and my boss, "Toto" (52M), and I have a really good relationship. We get along great, share a lot of common interests, and he’s been a bit of a mentor to me. We hang out outside of work sometimes, and every now and then, I’ll stay over at his place after we have dinner or watch a game, just because it’s more convenient.

Recently, my friends found out about this and started making fun of me, calling it “sleepovers” with my boss. I laughed it off at first, but they’ve started saying it’s kind of weird and unprofessional to be that close with your boss. They’re acting like I’m trying to suck up or get some kind of special treatment, but that’s honestly not the case. I just enjoy his company, and we have a good time hanging out.

The thing is, I never really mentioned it to my friends before because it just didn’t seem like a big deal. I figured if I told them, they’d blow it out of proportion (which is exactly what’s happening now). But now they’re saying it’s odd that I didn’t bring it up sooner and that it’s kind of strange to be having “sleepovers” with someone who’s technically in charge of me at work.

So, AITAH for not telling my friends that I sometimes crash at my boss’s place, or are they just overreacting?

Edit: For context, it’s not like I’m staying there every weekend or anything. It’s maybe once a month if we’re having a late night and it’s easier than going all the way back to my place. Plus, he’s got a massive guest room, so it’s not like I’m sleeping on the couch or something. It’s just a practical arrangement

Okay, so I (21M) have a bit of a problem, and I’m honestly not sure if it’s even a problem or just something I can’t control. I’ve noticed lately that whenever I’m doing interviews or talking to reporters, I end up coming off as flirting with them, even though I’m not trying to at all.

I’m naturally a friendly person, and I like to joke around and be engaging. But I’ve had a few reporters (and even some photographers) tell me after interviews that I’ve been “charming” or “too smooth” with them. Some of them even hinted that I was “leading them on.” The thing is, I don’t even notice it happening. I just talk to them like I would anyone else, but apparently, I’m making it seem like I’m flirting—without even trying!

One reporter even gave me her number after an interview, and when I asked if she was just being friendly, she said, “You were a little more than friendly.” I was totally confused because I thought we were just having a good conversation about racing. Now I’m worried that I’m giving the wrong impression to people without meaning to, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or make things uncomfortable.

So, AITAH for accidentally flirting with reporters and leading them on when I really don’t mean to? Should I tone down my "natural charm"?

Edit: Just to clarify, I’m not trying to flirt with anyone, reporter or not. I’m just being myself, but it seems like it’s coming off differently than I intended. It’s a bit awkward now, and I’m wondering if I should change how I interact in interviews.

taglist

@nepobbylver @wobblymug @xoscar03 @irishmanwhore @nitiii

@livsturnioloo @lilorose25 @si1ver06 @zestytimbit @morgrinha

@callsignwidow

[ashotofogdensoldfirewhiskey]

Hinny prompt: Harry dealing with Ginny’s new fan base.

Ginny is starting to get her first few fan letters. The harpies try and sort them but Harry spots a few on the creepier side OR at a game he overhears some fans obsessing over the fit new Chaser. Have fun with it.😉

This might not be what you meant by "fun," but right about now the most fun thing I could imagine writing was a situation in which horrible, misogynistic men get what they deserve. Can't imagine why... NSFW (language) - Please note, there's some offensive language in this one, included to illustrate how horrible these characters are; NOT meant to condone it. I hope that's clear in the tone.

It would be blasphemous to say it, but Harry strongly prefers attending Ginny’s away matches. 

The furor around the relationship between “The Chosen One” and the rising star Chaser of the Holyhead Harpies had reached dizzying heights. Fans of their relationship flock faithfully to Harpies matches in the hope they might witness Harry cheering for Ginny, or clapping for Ginny, or something equally mundane, made exciting and romantic only because he’s the one doing it. While bizarre and invasive to Harry, this parasocial fantasy is nothing short of a PR dream for the Quidditch Club. 

The Harpies administration had been thrilled to reap the benefits of this excitement, and consequently laid out Harry and Ginny’s relationship on a silver platter: whenever Harry attended a match in their home stadium, he was offered a private Top Box at a prime location, complementary Omnioculars, unlimited food and drink, and a large Weasley Banner adorning the wall behind. 

Ostensibly a generous gesture, but in reality a nuisance, because it meant every reporter in the stadium knew exactly where to direct their cameras every time Ginny so much as sniffed the Quaffle. They’d capture Harry’s reaction and then rush to print it in the paper the next day, with interpretations so loosely based in reality that Harry’s nearly impressed at the creativity.

Once, Harry had sneezed, and his pained expression in the leadup to it was painted as “trouble in paradise” for weeks because it had happened to coincide with Ginny scoring. 

On another occasion, Harry had spent much of a particularly chilly match with his hands in his pockets. Of course, the only explanation for such insane behavior was obviously to hide the nonexistent wedding ring on his finger, which clearly resulted from a secret weekend elopement in the aftermath of Ginny’s spectacular performance against Pride of Portree. 

“They’ve got a point,” Ginny had joked over their morning breakfast. “I did deserve a diamond after that match. What gives?”

“A bit late for that, haven’t you heard?” Harry had said through a bite of porridge. “We’re already getting divorced. I’m having another affair with Hermione at the weekend.”

“Damn,” Ginny sighed. “I wanted to have an affair with Hermione.”

Much more insidious, though, were the stories suggesting that Ginny’s signing and popularity was only because of her relationship with Harry. Ginny swore she didn’t give a flying fuck what the papers wrote about her, but Harry took to ripping every story that cast aspersions at her talent to shreds.

But, Harry had finally got one over on the press. He’d called an uncharacteristic press conference and made an announcement that, due to undefined “security risks” at away stadiums, he was unable to attend matches outside of Holyhead. 

The statement had been worth all of the ridiculous stories speculating about his lack of support for his girlfriend’s career, because it meant that he got to watch the Harpies vs Falcons match – donning a thick cap, sunglasses, and a scarf, in some cheap seat that no one would suspect Harry Potter of sitting in – utterly without audience. Sure, his view of the match leaves a bit to be desired, and he’s cramped next to a rowdy group of Falcons fans, but it’s wonderfully refreshing to swear angrily when Ginny is fouled without fear of a think-piece speculating about his repressed anger issues appearing in tomorrow’s Prophet. 

It’s one of his better lies, all told, and Harry’s inclined to celebrate his stroke of genius. 

It’s not until about ten minutes into the match that Harry is forced to concede he may have celebrated prematurely, as he reckons with the drawbacks to his little caper up close and personally. 

“HI! HO! FALMOUTH FALCONS! HI! HO! FALMOUTH FALCONS!”

The lads surrounding Harry are chanting with such an obnoxious, drunken fervor that Harry can hardly hear himself think, forget hearing the match commentary. They scream with such persistence for so long that they’ve nearly earned Harry’s begrudging respect, when the chant finally succumbs to raucous cheers as Falmouth is awarded a penalty.  

“Nice to have a bit of a doss match this week,” the bloke next to Harry remarks loudly after Falmouth scores their penalty. “Gives Wickford time to rest up before we play Puddlemere.”

Harry squints up at the speeding players above and confirms that Wickford, a thick-necked man and Falmouth’s star Chaser, is indeed speeding back defensively as the Harpies offensive formation takes shape, and not resting on the sidelines. Harry shoots a sidelong glance to his neighbors, perplexed. 

“Yeah, nice of the Harpies to carry on with an all-female squad,” another dark-haired lad chimes in. “I thought they were finally going to give it up after last season. What a joke.”

The first bloke, who Harry observes looks rather like Dudley, laughs ruefully. “Gwenog Jones won’t ever admit the problem, though, will she? They just don’t have the speed or the strength, everyone can see it–” 

Harry scowls. Pricks.  

“She clearly thinks the new recruit, Weasley or whatever, is going to make them competitive again, but–”

“Does she?” the Dudley-looking one snorts. “Or do they just want the Harry Potter fangirls to bring in the revenue? It’s a massive publicity stunt, honestly, just like the whole team.”

The three of them laugh, and Harry’s scowl deepens beneath his sunglasses. 

“I’m only hoping they bring back the swimsuit calendar this year,” the dark-haired one adds. “Weasley’s fit as fuck.”

The group murmurs their general agreement, and Harry takes stock of the hexes available to him. Might be time to dust off the toenail-growing one of Snape’s… But no. He can’t get hauled in front of Magical Law Enforcement again. Robards will sack him. 

“Yeah, the Harpies can fuck around with an all-women team, as long as they all look like that,” the Dudley-looking lad adds, pointing up at Ginny who is now flying overhead, and they all get a particularly good view of her from behind. The blond one jeers. “Wouldn’t mind seeing her strutting around on my calendar in a bikini.”

“I’d go so low as to call myself a Harpies fan for one of those,” the dark-haired jokes, and they all snigger. 

Sod hexing. Harry would quite like to kill them. He’s gripping the metal bars in front of him, knuckles white, imagining creative ways of doing it when Ginny - quite literally - takes matters into her own hands: all of their attention is pulled to the pitch as she feints, drawing Wickford into an ugly-looking lurch before she dodges and cannons a shot directly into the right goal. 

God, he loves her. 

“Damn,” the blond one whistles. “Fit and fair enough at Chasing, I suppose.”

“Potter’s a lucky bloke,” they joke. “I’d let her score on me all she wants.”

Yeah, Harry thinks darkly, today’s my lucky day.

Harry thinks he deserves a medal for the level of restraint he exercises, as the lads continue to offer lewd, sexist, and leering comments about Ginny for the entirety of the match. In fact, the only reason he manages not to strangle them is because Ginny, herself, is shutting them up far more effectively than he ever could. 

“Watch this, Robbins’ll catch her, look at the difference in wingspan–”

Ginny drops a beautiful pass to Gwenog who times her formation perfectly, and the Harpies score yet again. 

“Weasley’s tiny, once they let our Beaters loose on her she’ll be a goner–”

Ginny executes a perfect Sloth-Grip Roll to dodge an incoming bludger, and manages to whip a shot past the Falcons Keeper while dangling upside-down. 

“Knock her off her fucking broom!”

Wickford, clearly frustrated, fouls Ginny – hard. While the referee blows a shrill whistle, Harry lets out a stream of abuse, “Dirty fucking wanker–”

“Oi!” the Dudley-looking bloke next to Harry exclaims with glee. “Have we got ourselves a Harpies fan in our midst?”

Harry takes a measured, calming breath before answering, still staring up at the match above. “Yep.”

The group lets out a gleeful ooh. Harry knows it’s commonplace to give opposing fans a hard time at away matches, but these blokes haven’t got a clue how close Harry is to losing it. He’s about one more comment away from turning them into Aunt Marge. 

He claps when Ginny easily puts away the penalty shot, extending the Harpies already considerable lead. 

“Very progressive of you,” the blond one jokes. “Are they your girlfriend’s favorite team, or something?”

“Or something,” Harry answers through gritted teeth. 

They all jeer. “She’s got you whipped, eh? I hope the pussy’s worth rooting for a pussy-ass team like–”

“I’d watch my fucking mouth, if I were you,” Harry says, his voice low and dangerous. He realizes, dimly, that he must look far less intimidating than he’d like, with his ridiculous hat and sunglasses and scarf covering much of his face. Oh, well. Looks can be deceiving. He’s just finished up with seven weeks of an intensive dueling refresher course with the Aurors. He reckons he could incapacitate all three of them before they even had a chance to pull their wands. 

“Oooh, would you?” they jeer. “What, do you reckon if you cheer loud enough, Weasley will hear you and come over to thank you after the match?”

“Could she thank me too, you reckon?” the Dudley one adds. 

Harry can hear his own heartbeat angrily pounding in his ears. They’re all disgusting pricks, not worth a moment of his time or his energy, but he’s not stupid, either. He’d been, at first, when Ginny had originally signed with the club, and he’d just started paying more attention to the news about the team and the undermining, sexist undertones in all of it. He’d been shocked to see the nasty objectifying comments, the aspersions at their talent, the insinuation that the team was a feminist gimmick, not to be taken seriously. 

Hermione had humbled him with a sharp, “No,” when he’d asked her if she was surprised by it, too. 

He’s not as naive anymore. He realizes these blokes are watching their own team get shellacked by an all-female side, watching as Ginny plays elite Quidditch with their own eyes, and still they’ve got nothing but bullshit to say. 

Helpfully, Ginny chooses that moment to score yet another goal, her seventh. When Harry claps, they all join in mockingly. 

“Weasleyyyyy,” they call, with mocking, lovesick expressions. “Ditch the Chosen One and choose meee!”

Harry turns to them, and asks in a flat tone. “Is that the reason you’ve been rooting for such a shit team, then? You’re hoping Wickford will come and give you a cuddle after?”

“Oi!” the dark-haired one says. “Hang on–”

“That’s the only reason you’d be a fan of the fucking Falcons, isn’t it? If Wickford will take you home?”

“Nah mate, reckon all poofs are Harpies fans, aren’t you?”

The toenail hex seems woefully tame, all the sudden. “Are all Falcons fans pricks or is it just you lot?”

“Oi, relax mate,” the blond one jeers. “We’re just wondering how it all works. How many times have you got to wear a Harpies kit before they let you pull a leg over?”

“Dunno, how many times have you got to wear that Falcons kit for them to win a match?”

“Is that the new Harpies recruitment strategy?” the Dudley-looking one continues. “They only sign slags to the team, so they can shag together a fanbase?”

Harry pulls his wand so fast that they jump back, startled. “Say that again,” he growls, holding his wand in the man’s face. “Say it.”

“Watch yourself,” the blond one says, holding his hands up and pointing to his mate threateningly. “This one’s about to be an Auror, you’re about a second away from–”

What surely deadly threat Harry is a second away from, he’ll never learn, because just then, with a loud groan from the crowd, the Harpies Seeker pulls out of a spectacular dive with the snitch clasped in her fist, thereby ending the match at an embarrassing score of 260-10. 

“YES!” Harry yells, his wand dropping to his side as his eyes seek out Ginny in the air. 

He can’t remember ever finding a win so satisfying, and Ginny quite so attractive as she streaks across the pitch to hug Gwenog Jones in a midair heap, her red hair streaming behind her in the wind. When she lets go, she scans the section she knows Harry is sitting in. Looking for him, like she always does after a match, only this time she’s looking for an idiot in a shit disguise. 

He turns back to the blokes, fury and disgust with them still radiating in his bloodstream, and a reckless desire that he’ll surely regret later overtakes him. Fuck it, he thinks, and he begins to pull off his scarf. 

“What was it you were saying before?” he goads, pulling their attention back to him before they move with the rushing crowd out of the stands. “One of you arseholes is going to be an Auror?”

“I am, and I’ll curse you into next week, if you like,” the Dudley looking-one taunts. “Maybe then Weasley will give you a pity ride, if that’s what you’re hoping for–”

“Interesting offer, but I’ll pass,” Harry says, as he pulls off his sunglasses. A look of vague recognition sweeps across the blond one’s face, though the others merely look a combination of angry and befuddled. 

Harry replaces his regular specs and looks to the pitch just in time to lock eyes with Ginny - she’s found him in the crowd. 

She’s halfway across the pitch, but Harry can tell by the tilt of her head that she’s wondering why he’s gone and taken off half the disguise they’d laughed so hard about earlier. He waves, and despite their earlier agreement to forgo their usual public post-match celebration, she seems to get the message and begins flying toward him. 

He turns back to the blokes and finally removes his hat, revealing the still famously recognizable scar on his forehead. All three of their expressions transform into varying degrees of horror as they recall every horrible thing they’d said over the last hour, and connect just who they said it to. “What the fuck–” one of them mutters. “What the fucking shit– is that– Harry Potter–”

Harry stares directly at the aspiring Auror, memorizing his stupid features as he reddens. “I–” he stammers.

“I wouldn’t count on the Auror thing,” Harry spits. “If you’ll pardon me, though, I’ve got to congratulate my girlfriend. Maybe thank her later, for giving me so much to cheer for.”

He turns just as Ginny arrives to hover in front of him, windswept and flushed with victory and so ruddy gorgeous he can’t think. “You were so fucking brilliant,” he tells her. 

“I know,” she says with that cheeky grin he loves so much, and then she kisses him so soundly that he quite forgets the pricks openly gaping at them from behind. 

For a moment.

He pulls back from the kiss and turns to find them making a hasty retreat from the scene, but not before he hears the telling sound of a camera pop.

The ensuing stories plastered all over the papers the next day - Harry, pictured in his ridiculous disguise entering the stadium, their victorious kiss in the stands - ensure that Harry’s never able to sneak surreptitiously into the crowd of an away match ever again. 

A trade worth making, though, when Harry gives an exclusive interview detailing every disgusting thing the three men identified in the background of the photograph had said, and when Ginny writes a cutting op-ed for the Prophet highlighting the ways in which the press had created the very narrative those three pricks had parroted. 

Of course, it doesn’t solve the problem overnight, nor did they expect that it would. But, it moves the needle, just a bit. When Ginny reads an excellent article detailing the Harpies’ unique formations without once mentioning Harry or questioning whether they might be more effective by signing male players, she smiles. 

The rejection of Winston Winthrop’s Auror application is just the frosting on the cake.

[sgiandubh]

Why would Ashley go to follow and stop following Caitriona? After all aren't sam and caitriona supposed to be just friends and colleagues so why do that? They're the ones creating all the fuss for nothing. If they acted like colleagues no one would go looking 🙄🙄🙄 . I don't understand this need to always dismiss Caitriona as if it's oh my god never associate Caitriona with sam. What a crime to see two friends together ! Following Caitriona means nothing, it doesn't define an affair nor a relationship between them so I don't see the point in avoiding following this woman 🙄🙄 !

Dear Following Anon,

You can try to dilute things as much as you want, but you seem to ignore one of the weird Laws of Thermodynamics in this fandom:

Follows and unfollows are important and relevant. Until they aren't.

I do not share many people's mystique in this regard, simply because I happen to believe social media is nothing more than a tool. Whether it is used for promo and/or manipulation is anyone's guess. What is clear is that there are more things than the bits we are privy to via Instagram, very often with an agenda.

In that particular case, the follow clicked with some info I was shared regarding that get together at the Milady's bar. I was also told Ashley did (help) organize the event, which is consistent with her posting an IG story featuring some Sassenach bottles she was delivering 'somewhere' just before it took place.

And then, there's also this detail:

Clearly she knew the owners/bartending team and arranged things.

But perhaps she thought/was told that would be exposing her too much and then changed her mind about following C? I suppose all we can do is speculate, Anon. Fact is Ashley followed her and she doesn't anymore. Anyone's guess, really.

I will respectfully disagree with you about them deliberately 'creating this fuss for nothing'. You probably are a Fencer and, as all Fencers do, you seem to be unable to connect the dots and never question anything you are told. A most regrettable, unpleasant thing that takes away all the fun and permanently closes all the interesting doors and avenues you could explore in this fandom. Your explanation does not hold: if there is nothing, why condone this ambiguity? For clicks? That is ridiculous. C doesn't give a flying duck about clicks and he just has to take off his shirt: mommies worldwide will instantly unite and drool. How Pavlovian!

There is also another thing: C's Stans really seem to have strong, repressed feelings for her, that might go beyond what is socially acceptable from a fan. They seem to display such a deep sense of possession, it often made me raise an eyebrow in disbelief. If we follow this reasoning, then McGill is the perfect, harmless companion: they see him as no serious threat to their fantasies. S is something else and their minds dissociate - otherwise, as Yeats once famously wrote, 'Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold'.

'Following Caitriona means nothing, it doesn't define an affair nor a relationship between them'. Oh, Anon, I hope you didn't imply Ashley and C... come on, get a grip! By now, all the side players must have been gently, but firmly briefed about people's behavior in this fandom: lack of filter, and all. What would you do, if you were Ashley Hearn?

Finally, let me correct something about the timeline of events - thank you for the opportunity to do so:

I did write in a previous post (https://www.tumblr.com/sgiandubh/765519132954329088/seems-sams-mom-has-been-in-new-york-as-well) that the Milady's get together was on October 17th. I was wrong and superficial, albeit in all good faith. It was on October 16th, after C was spotted at the Burberry's 57th Street Flagship Store Reopening VIP Dinner, in New York:

I do apologize for this mistake and would like to thank @mojo106 for rigorously setting the record straight: what would I do without your collective scrutiny? Probably make a fool of myself.

However, the whole rest of it is legit and I am sticking to whatever I could write about it. Never a problem acknowledging mistakes and owning them, here. Warts and all, Anon. Warts and all.

[anxious-lee]

|| These Moments That I Treasure || Arcane Tickle Fic

A/N: holy cow does this fandom need some fluff right now 😳. this takes place before season two, but other than that, it can pretty much be whenever you want. if for whatever reason, you don't like these kinds of fics and you stumbled onto this, SCROLL AWAY

Summary: During one of their quiet moments in the lab, Viktor learns something about Jayce

Lee: Jayce

Ler: Viktor

---

Sometimes all it takes is one touch. One sweep of skin on skin to dissolve all your worries. The throes of passion are nice too, but even they cannot replace the value of a simple, delicate touch.

Viktor and Jayce knew this truth better than most. In Viktor's condition, delicacy was crucial. Sometimes in between work sessions, they would prop themselves up on the table, and just hold each other. Playing with fingers, rubbing shoulders, combing through hair, it didn't matter. It was what kept each other grounded when the obstacles seemed too insurmountable; when the weight of living was too difficult to bear.

It was in one of these gentle moments, that Jayce let something slip.

Viktor was exploring the skin underneath Jayce's shirt, taking in every crevice and contour, when he felt his partner shift.

Then came a huff. "Be careful down there."

Viktor's concern was immediately piqued. He hadn't realized that there was a boundary there not to cross. If he had, he would have been much more careful. Jayce had told him about the sort of trouble he used to find himself in, and the memories that his body kept record of.

"You have scars here too?" Vik asked.

The fret in his partner's voice was laughable to Jayce. Absolutely laughable. But only because it was severely misplaced.

"No, no, nothing like that. I'm just..." He trailed off, smothering his sheepishness long enough to say, "... a little ticklish there."

A moment of relief. A moment of quiet. A moment of opportunity.

Viktor chuckled. "You shouldn't have told me that."

Before Jayce could process that threat, nimble fingers were dancing over his ribs like they were plucking a harp. It was electrifying. He was so unused to this feeling that he choked on his own laugh.

It was a sound of shock, but more importantly to Viktor, it wasn't a sound of discomfort.

Jayce tried to hold it in like a breath, but some part of him didn't want to. That part of himself just wanted to enjoy how ridiculous this all was and laugh about it. But alas, his pride was stronger, and so was his will to stay quiet.

Viktor wouldn't let him. He moved his hands down the front of his belly and around to the backs of his sides. Jayce's bubbling laughter was his reward.

"It's funny. I never thought to try this. Now you'll have to listen to me when I tell you to go to sleep at a decent hour."

"You're one to talk," came the giggly retort.

The devilish hands trailed higher, drawing higher chortles. Jayce was now folded in half like a mouse trap, flinching but not quite shifting away.

"I see I'm not the only one having fun," Viktor smirked.

"SHUHUT UHUP!"

Viktor couldn't contain a chuckle of his own. "Where else are you ticklish?"

The audacity to expect Jayce to reveal himself like that amused him. That was such a Viktor thing to do.

"I'm nohot telling yohohou that!"

"That's okay. You don't need to," he said simply.

Suddenly Viktor's hands abandoned their post under Jayce's arms, and instead latched themselves onto his thighs.

The shriek was incredible.

Jayce could do nothing but cling to his torturer's shoulders. He was so overcome with hysterical laughter that he couldn't see Viktor's smile, bigger and brighter than it had been all month.

"I love you like this" Viktor said.

"LIHIHIKE WHAT?" Jay wheezed.

"Glowing. Happy. Not thinking," Viktor would have had half a mind to be embarrassed of how sappy he sounded right now, if he wasn't so enamored with his partner's smile.

At the unexpected sincere words, Jayce looked up at Vik for the first time since this whole game began. He got a good look into the eyes of warmth and love that were reserved only for him. How he treasured those eyes.

Viktor hadn't realized he had stopped tickling. He also hadn't realized how close his lips were to Jayce's.

The gap between them closed, and whatever they were working on today was entirely forgotten. Nothing in this dusty laboratory could replace the value of a loving, delicate touch.

---

i really need this after yesterday's episodes 😭

[fanficshiddles]

Eternally Mine, Chapter 49

Loki and Chris shared a look with one another, both thinking the same without needing to say it. Chris was driving while Loki was in the passenger seat.

Claire and Louise were in the back of the car, both of them were giggling like mad. They weren’t whispering as they knew the guys would hear, so they were using their phones to type notes to each other.

‘It’s worse than the girls at school giggling over their crushes.’ Chris commented as he glanced in the rear-view mirror at Louise, who gave an innocent smile in response.

Claire noticed Louise had a new necklace. It was a golden chain that slipped through a heart and had another heart on the end. It sat quite loosely around her neck.

I like your necklace. Looks different. From Chris?Claire typed out to show her.

Louise nodded and her cheeks went a little bit red.

Yeah. I think it’s called a love shackle… it uh, has multiple uses…

Claire looked at her with confusion.

Like what?

Louise glanced at the guys, but they were chatting about work now. She took hold of the heart on the end and pulled it, so it pulled the chain through the other heart and tightened around her neck.

Claire’s eyes widened in realisation and her mouth opened wide. Louise quickly put her hand over Claire’s mouth to stop her saying anything out loud, and she re-sorted the chain so it sat like a necklace again.

ITS LIKE A DOG SLIP LEAD WHAT THE HELL LOU! DOES HE REALISE IT DOES THAT?

Louise had to hold back a laugh.

Of course he does! One of the reasons he got it for me... It’s pure gold, too.

Claire just looked at her sister in shock, which made Louise snort with laughter. She quickly covered her mouth but it was too late, the guys heard again. Chris looked at her with an eyebrow up in the mirror and Loki turned his head around.

‘What are you two up to?’ Loki asked as he looked between them both.

‘Nothing.’ Claire said quickly.

‘Hmm.’ Loki wasn’t convinced as he turned around to face the front again.

We so need to try and rile them up somehow at this pod place. It was far too fun when Loki was feral the other week.

Louise nodded in agreement.

The pods are by a fishing lake, right? Is there trees and stuff nearby? Louise asked.

Think so, not much but I think there’s a tree-line at the opposite side. There’s no other houses or other pods nearby, just our two. So it will be nice and secluded. Claire said.

I’m sure we could easily get their instincts going. A cut finger, leave some blood trail on trees… running away from them should be enough.

They kept brain storming some ideas, but Louise’s giggling got worse again when Claire began suggesting ridiculous things.

‘Right, that’s it!’ Chris pulled over into a layby at the side of the road.

‘Uh oh… We’re in trouble now.’ Claire laughed.

‘Your fault!’ Louise poked at Claire.

‘What? Mine? It’s you that keeps laughing.’ Claire argued back.

‘You keep saying stupid things, that’s why.’

‘You’re driving the rest of the way. I need to get my girl under control. Think you need to do the same.’ Chris said to Loki with a chuckle as he got out of the car.

Loki chuckled too and hopped out. He opened the back door and motioned for Claire to get in the front with him. Claire huffed but accepted his hand and made herself comfortable in the front seat.

Chris got into the back with Louise and he reached over with a playful look on his face to grab her necklace, he pulled it firmly but slowly and it tightened around her neck so he could use it as a leash to pull her into the middle seat, right next to him.

Claire had looked round and her eyes widened, Loki wondered what she was looking at, but soon realised when he turned too.

‘God sake guys, don’t make me split you two up too for the journey.’ He said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

‘Did you know that your brother is corrupting my sister with kinky shit?’ Claire asked Loki.

Chris laughed. ‘I am not corrupting her. She’s corrupting me.’

‘I don’t believe that for one second. I remember the type of videos you used to watch to get yourself off.’ Loki commented.

Claire nearly choked as she’d taken a sip of water at the wrong time.

‘What’s wrong, Claire? Do you want me to give my brother some tips to spice up your sex life?’ Chris smirked as Louise couldn’t stop giggling as she snuggled into Chris’ side.

‘No, nope. Our sex life is more than great, thanks. I just need you to stop corrupting my sister!’

‘I think we’re a bit late for that.’ Louise laughed.

‘Wayyyy too late for that.’ Chris confirmed with a grin.

‘Oh my god.’ Claire put her face in her hands.

Loki chuckled and squeezed her knee as he pulled back out onto the road. ‘Best not to think about it, love.’

‘I’m trying.’ Claire whined.

‘Just be glad we’re not sharing a pod with them.’ Loki smirked.

‘Maybe we should be so I can protect her poor innocent mind!’ Claire glanced over her shoulder at them. She narrowed her eyes at Chris and pointed from her eyes to his and mouthed I’m watching you!

-

The four decided to stop at a café for something to eat before carrying on to Claire and Louise’s parents. They were staying with them for a night and then heading back down the road to the pods for a few nights.

Chris and Louise went to order everyone’s food and drinks while Loki and Claire grabbed a table.

‘You’re not really worried about your sister, are you?’ Loki asked quietly.

‘No.’ Claire smiled. ‘I mean, I guess I am a bit protective of her after everything she’s been through. But I know they love each other and that he takes care of her. I know she’s in safe hands. I think the necklace thing just threw me a bit.’ She laughed.

‘You’re not jealous, are you? I could get you one, if you want to be my puppy.’ Loki smirked and put his arm around her.

‘Noooo! Loki, don’t you dare.’ Claire laughed as he kissed her cheek repeatedly. ‘I mean, you can get me pretty necklaces whenever you want…’

Loki laughed and slid his hand down her back. ‘Just nothing that resembles a dog leash… got it.’ He winked at her.

Chris and Louise returned with the drinks, then it wasn’t too long before the waiter brought over everyone’s food.

They’d barely finished eating when two guys walked into the café, Chris was instantly on edge and visibly tensed up, even though he and Louise were sitting with their backs to the door and the till area. He put his arm around Louise firmly.

‘What’s wrong?’ Louise, Claire and Loki all asked at the same time.

‘Hunters.’ Chris whispered. ‘I can smell their weapons… well, a lot of citrus. Plus, one of their heartbeats has quickened a little.’ He said cautiously and he took a sip of his tea.

‘Don’t look at them, don’t even glance.’ Loki whispered to Claire as he quickly grabbed her face, turning her into him so he could kiss her. As he noticed her about to look past Chris and Louise.

Chris tried relaxing a bit more too, but he kept his arm around Louise. He sensed the two hunters go up to order something, then they sat down at a table on the other side of the café.

‘Are there any other vamps in here?’ Claire whispered.

They knew if they talked very quietly, the hunters wouldn’t hear them.

‘I think there’s three at that back table.’ Loki tilted his head ever so slightly to the side, then looked at Chris for confirmation.

Chris nodded. ‘I don’t think they’re after us, I think it is those three vampires they’re going for, but let’s go. Now.’

‘Did you guys pay when you ordered?’ Loki asked quietly.

‘Yeah.’ Chris nodded as he stood and helped Louise with her jacket.

Loki saw while they were getting ready to leave that the hunters were mainly looking at the other group of vampires, not them. Which eased his worries a little bit as the four of them thanked the waiter and headed out as quick as they could, but without looking suspicious.

When they got to the car, Chris opened the back door for Louise to get in. Then he got in behind her. Loki opened the door for Claire and then dipped his head down to look at Chris.

‘Aren’t we going back in?’

‘What? Why?’ Chris frowned.

‘To help those vampires?’ Loki said as if it was the most obvious thing.

‘No. This isn’t Redbridge, they’re not our problem.’ Chris said firmly.

‘They’re still vampires though.’ Loki argued.

‘I don’t care. We’re not putting our girls at risk and getting involved when we don’t need to be.’ Chris growled at his brother and tightened his arm around Louise. ‘Besides, we don’t even know if they’re good vampires or not. Maybe those hunters are like Toshi and hunt vampires that deserve it. We don’t know for sure, we don’t know anything about them or the vampires.’

Loki ran a hand down his face. ‘We could at least warn the vampires?’

‘How do you plan to do that, exactly? Whatever you do, the hunters will see you going back and interacting with the vampires. If the vampires then manage to escape, the hunters will know it was you that interfered and come after you. Which, again, puts these two at risk.’ Chris was trying to remain as calm as possible, but he just wanted to get the hell out of here.

‘I think the vampires must be young or newly turned, they didn’t react at all to the hunters. What if they don’t sense them? Or know about the citrus?’ Loki’s voice was getting a little bit louder as his arms flailed around.

‘Or, maybe they did exactly what we did. Remained calm and acted like nothing was wrong.’ Chris snapped. ‘Now get in the fucking car and drive, or I’ll do it and leave you here. Is saving three vampires we know nothing about really worth putting Claire and Louise at risk?’

Claire and Louise just kept quiet and looked at one another anxiously. They both wanted to get out of there more than anything.

‘You’re still such an asshole you know that?’ Loki snarled at Chris as he shut the door, gently because it was right next to Claire, and he stormed round the other side to get into the driver’s side.

‘It’s three against two, I’m sure the vampires will be fine.’ Chris said as Loki started the engine.

Loki said nothing in response as he pulled out of the car park and headed on up the road.

Claire reached over and put her hand on his thigh. Once Loki had the car up to gear on the dual carriageway, he wrapped his hand around hers and squeezed her hand, feeling a bit calmer with her touch.

‘If it’s any consolation, I think you’re both right. It’s risky jumping into unknown battles in a place we don’t know. Though it’s hard to just forget about the vampires, you wanting to help them isn’t a bad thing.’ Claire said softly to try and break the tension that was thick in the air for a few miles.

‘If we knew the vampires, I wouldn’t hesitate to help.’ Chris said calmly. ‘Our priority is you two and your safety. If we went back in to help, you would have been left in the car unsupervised. We don’t know if there were other hunters waiting outside.’

Loki sighed and growled a little, but then he nodded. ‘I guess it would have been a bit risky.’

Things settled down better, though Chris noticed that Loki kept glancing in the rear-view mirror and side mirror a lot, and began to look a little shifty.

‘What is it?’ Chris asked him.

‘I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I have a feeling we’re being followed by that SUV.’ Loki frowned.

Chris looked out the back.

‘Shit. That was parked next to us at the café, but no one was in the front. The back seats were tinted… Turn off the carriageway, take a few different turns and see if they keep following.’

Loki nodded and turned off at the last minute. The SUV did the same. Loki went right round the next roundabout and headed back towards the dual carriageway.

‘Still following.’ Loki swallowed hard.

‘Fuck sake. Must have been more than just the two inside and they’ve heard us arguing and figured we’re vampires.’ Chris hissed. ‘Well done, brother.’

‘It’s not my fault, how was I supposed to know?’ Loki snarled.

‘If you’d just gotten in and drove off like I said, we wouldn’t be in this mess!’ Chris growled angrily.

Louise put her hands on his arm. ‘It’s not Loki’s fault, it’s no one’s fault but the hunters. Loki was just trying to help the vampires, he didn’t know. Please stop arguing. We need to lose these guys.’ She said as calmly as she could, though Chris could sense she was anxious.

He put his hand at the back of her neck and leaned in to kiss her forehead, lingering for a moment as he took a few deep breaths.

Loki squeezed Claire’s hand tighter then brought it up so he could kiss the back of it.

‘I’m sorry… for getting us into this.’ He sighed. ‘What’s the plan?’

‘Pull over and let me deal with it.’ Chris said in a slightly clipped tone.

‘Not on your own.’ Loki said as he glanced at him in the mirror.

‘You need to protect Claire and Louise. They’ll likely have silver bullets, they won’t harm me but they could kill you... I am not going to visit their parents without you.’ Chris added in to try and lighten the mood a little bit.

Loki kept driving, he didn’t want to stop. He was worried about what would happen. Not that he doubted Chris could take out a couple of hunters on his own, but he was still worried.

‘Pull over.’ Chris demanded.

‘Are you sure about this?’ Loki asked nervously.

‘Do it.’

[osterby]

Anatomy diagram time! Here's one I pulled off Wikipedia (for some reason it's ridiculously difficult to find a diagram that shows the reproductive and digestive organs in relation to one another, so we're going to just have to use several).

The big unlabeled white thing that folds to the right side of your screen is part of the intestine.

I've drawn a green circle where the belly button should be. Use that and note the shape of the figure's hips to orient yourself in re scale and position.

This one shows where the bladder is, and also shows skin and belly button so it should be good for understanding scale

The bladder is between the uterus and the skin, here's a side view

All this together should demonstrate that the uterus is very low in the abdomen and pretty small (according to wikipedia, "7.6 cm (3.0 in) long, 4.5 cm (1.8 in) broad (side to side), and 3.0 cm (1.2 in) thick:). I'm pointing out the uterus because it's bigger and more in the way in this context, but the prostate is down near the bladder in this same area on folks who have one of those.

There is also a pubic bone in front of all this. You know how a pelvis is kinda bowl shaped? The bladder and reproductive bits rest in that bowl.

So from all this, we can see that there's a whole lot going on in the lower abdomen. With the bladder, pelvic bone, and [optionally] uterus in the way, it would be hard to see a dragon dick bulging stuff out down there, and getting the bladder and other bits mashed wouldn't feel very nice except for the most specifically kinky among us.

You're not going to see a bulge from doing stuff with the normal sexy areas of the intestines or vagina with an object that can actually fit in there.

****

But, here's the whole digestive system.

That sticky-downy part in blue at the very end is the rectum, it's the part that's involved in buttsex with a realistically sized human penis and is crammed in there with the urinary and reproductive parts. There's a lot going on in that area (which is probably why a lot of people find it fun to stick stuff up there).

Look how much more room there is after it, though, and how the colon goes off to the side. The sigmoid colon is the curving part that leads into the rectum.

Lets go back to the first diagram. Note how the sigmoid colon (the horizontal portion of the white unlabeled intestine) is both above and to the side of everything else.

There isn't much else going on there. The kidneys, liver, stomach, pancreas, spleen, etc. are higher up around the top of the intestines, and all the reproductive stuff is lower. The small intestine (the ropey coiled stuff) is packed in tight behind the colon, but intestine is about all there is in this part of the abdomen.

So if you get an arm or a dragon's entire hemepenis all the way past your rectum and into your sigmoid colon, the only stuff between that fist or hemepenis and your skin is going to be the wall of the colon itself (very movable and squishy), some thin membranes that hold things in place, and a layer of muscle and fat.

A significant amount of fat would hide the movement, and particularily strong muscles won't be easy to squish and wiggle, but on your average twink? Belly bulge is realistic.

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/765788712654225408/httpswwwtumblrcomolderthannetfic764421845841?source=share

About seeing the dick bulge through the other character's guts, that seems like it should be unrealistic, but with anal with an unrealistically gigantic dick it might be perfectly feasible.

I once found some anal fisting porn with exactly that. The one chick had half her forearm in the other's ass and was moving her hand around in there so the camera and the chick bottoming could see it. It wasn't dead center the way you see in hentai, it was off to the left because that's where the sigmoid colon curves.

--

I have to admit I have gone on pornhub to research exactly this question. I was surprised at just how many amateur videos of Bad Dragon owners demonstrate that you really can see something.

[not-poignant]

👀 may we sneak a peek at that scent masterlist...?

Sure! I don't have every character worked out yet but here we go (no betas mentioned because betas don't have scents in the same way):

Peak Alphas

Augus Each Uisge - Torn leaves and fresh water.

Crielle ferch Fnwy - Gardenias and blood.

Gary Konowalous - While drinking heavily each night, he has a strong overlay of red wine tannins, with a base scent of wood or wood shavings. When he scales back on the red wine, the woodsy scent rises up.

Gwyn ap Nudd - Brittle, bright, like melting metal.

Temsen Ohlo Ohlo - Green and astringent. It's more grassy.

Alphas

Anton Valenosk - 'Warming,' or like warming spices, like spice cake.

Caleb Crawford - Caleb's scent is earthy and clove-like with occasional glittery spikes, almost like the sensation of poprocks.

Christian Smythe - Woodsy and soft, and gently appealing.

Eran Iliakambar - Faint charcoal, earthy, occasional flashes of neroli.

James Visser - A richly green forest floor, with faint top notes of citrus.

Janusz Bodanowicz - A little metallic, with overtones of sharp fruits, like berries or currants.

Kadek Setiawan - Tea tree

Michael Henton - Apple and pear. It's not an overbearing scent.

Omegas

Alois Flitmouse - Faint and astringent, a little like black tea. Once he starts having healthy heats again, it turns sweeter and warmer, and Anton compares it to mead.

Efnisien ap Wledig - Extremely non-distinct (usually just 'chemicals') while dosed on all the drugs Crielle gave him. As he becomes healthier at Hillview, a distinctive scent appears which is oceanic, and makes people think of the sea. Many people don't realise it's him.

Lucien Beaumont - Lush and creamy, hints of tonka.

Mosk Manytrees - Astringent and tangy.

Nate Prince - Mild and fresh, like rain. It's very subtle, but can feel smell like a storm when he's stressed.

[araneapeixes]

silly comic idea I've been chipping away at :) welcome tomy shadowheart poly shipping propaganda show

[molqr]

YIPPEE YAY!! hi guy. beauty that is The Tagging Games <3

favourite colour: green!! used to be mainly that super eye-strainy yellow-green radioactive colour but all shades of green are sooo gorgeous to me i cant pick favourites. well theres one i like the most which is 'green leafs on trees when the sun shines through them' its very specific but its my favourite colour of all time forever...

last song: i had to go through ten pages of tf2 fight songs on last.fm for this. its such a funny bit but by god. anyway it was kuso breaking nou breaking lily by maximum the hormone. listened to that album for the first time a while back and this song is like my all time favourite from it, used to loop it constantly a few weeks/months ago pff

currently reading: cuckoo by gretchen felker-martin! ive yet to finish it but its really good i like it a lot... ive gotta hurry the fuck up i have to take it back to the library in like 3 days lmfao. really want to take a shot at drawning the main cast and the body horror.

currently watching: metalocalypse babyyyyyyyy. honestly wanted to just rewatch aotd again but wanted to finish rewatching the show first. supposed to be rewatching all of jjba but i hate part 2 i dont want to look at it.. also need to finish the golden girls lmao.

currently craving: b&j's cookie dough... i dont even like the cookie dough that much the vanilla ice cream is just so fucking delicious... havent had it in forever though because the price is absolutely fucking ridiculous lmao

coffee or tea: i love iced coffee and i love tea... fuck... i have to go with coffee simply because i like my iced coffees too much. tea is delicious though where would i be without it during winter.

hobby to try: all of them must be done i need to start my projects... drawing, writing, reading more, and uh, squints, making character edits that counts right. i need to learn how to use shotcut lol. been meaning to get into clay stuff or to learn to knit but i always forget to get on it lmao.

current au: cant think of any for the life of me tbh. OH SHIT YEAH my psychonauts metalocalypse au i forgot completely about that. i think dethklok being psychics would be so fucking funny they'd be so terrible. i can imagine revealing their horrors using their mental worlds so easy. i grin sinisterly. psychonauts aus are just so good always. also theyre so fun to design!! besides that all the current others are co-owned so if i was gonna mention them i'd want to make a big thing about it. like a really shitty gender reveal. (they're all really shitty, but you get what i mean right) congratulations, it's a freak!

tagging: friends and mutuals yippee yay! im shy tagging my mutuals so if you dont want to do this per some random internet fellow giving the say-so, then no pressure LOL @brookiesandcream @its-me-im-bumblebee @the-archivists-plus-one @classic-heavy @ruthytwoshakes @maplemaplemaplemaplemaple + anybody else who feels up to it, get silly w/ it!!

Get to Know Me (tagged by @slingbees)

-------------------------------------------------

rules: tag 9 people you want to get to know better and catch up with

-------------------------------------------------

Favorite Color(s): ORANGE!!!!! but also yellow!

Last Song:

Currently Reading: them Guardians of Ga'hoole books because when I was in the hospital I read one of them.

Currently Watching: I'm going through Red Vs Blue with some friends.

Currently Craving: this peach monster right beside me. don't tempt me.

Coffee or Tea: I haven't been drinking much of either recently, but coffee.

Hobby to Try: Start animating at home.

Current AU: I guess I've been thinking about that Simpsons comic where Smithers gets cloned, fucking hilarious they just start killing each other. Other than that, I don't know.

TAGGING:@sleepypuddding @funkyjunkyfangz @beeframennoodles100 @danklemckspankle @potatoqueensays @notevenhodgepodge @butchbarneygumble @lorogy662 @calpalsworld anyone else too!

[obsidianbit]

I love this gay ass show with its literally life ending injuries that heal immediately, but only when convenient to the plot, and its ridiculous use of modern phrases, and its laughing in the face of historical accuracy, and its kissing the face of the fans instead of trying to outwit them, and the way everyone involved in the show seem to go 'I KNOW RIGHT! I'M EXCITED TOO!' instead of mocking the fans

[lemongogo]

they should get to kill each other at least twice .i think

[hollycircling]

Hello everyone! I am a doofus and just realized I never posted my Kickstarter here. Actual Golden Retriever Vash Plush been a project in the making for a few months now, and I'm overjoyed to announce that not only have we reached the goal, but completely exceeded it in less than 48 hours ;;

Nonetheless, I wanted to extend the opportunity to everyone here to grab a Retriever Vash Plush (and the rapidly unlocked Wolf Wolfwood Plush) before the campaign ends, too ♡

Thank you all so much! Here's the link:

[taissaswifelowkey]

THANKS FOR THE TAG @chaithetics tbh idk what there is interesting but i can find a few things

1. i have so many freckles and birthmarks. i was pretty much insecure about them when i was younger, which admittedly is ridiculous? idk. but now i love them!! i think i look better, in a way

2. i have an irrational fear of toads

3. sometimes i fall in love with songs??? idk i have serious issues 💀💀 but ig i feel intense emotions whenever i listen to a song i really like and i feel attached to it

4. the colour blue is very pleasing to my eyes and makes me feel at peace

5. for some reason, listening to white noise gives me nightmares??? like i tried it once since i heard it has a calming effect but it did the opposite for me apparently 💀💀

idk who to tag :(( but this was fun!!

tell us 5 boring facts about yourself

previous post

^ The thread was reallllly long, so here's a new one

thanks for the tag @steven-grants-world

i sleep with four blankets on my bed

i hate darkness so i have white christmas lights under my bed and in my closet

i love grilled cheese

i own about 75 records

i take a backpack almost everywhere

npt: @winniethewife @marshmallow--3 @angel-of-the-moons @ladywynne @reallyrallyauthor

[polaroidcats]

Ugly crying & the marauders generation - a pseudo-scientific approach (my marauders crying PhD abstract)

Abstract

In recent days, there have been a variety of claims as to who the prettiest and ugliest crier in the marauders generation could be. This paper aims to address the recent surge in opinions on the matter, and categorize different approaches as well as add a new approach to the scientific examination of ugliness/prettiness when it comes to crying. I hope to provide readers with an overview of the current state of research and encourage all marauders scholars to add their own and I intend to make a contribution to the discourse by committing to the bit and writing a pseudo-academic paper about it instead of actually working on my thesis.

Introduction

In the following paper, the discourse about 5 marauders era characters will be examined in regards to their various levels of perceived ugliness whilst crying. Scholars who may ask why Peter [Pettigrew] is not included in this analysis are advised to refer to acclaimed marauders ugly crying scholar @lynxindisguise's (2023) original poll on the popular blogging website "tumblr.com" which did not include Peter, but rather two non-marauders characters named Lily and Regulus. This paper will follow that approach, since Peter is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met, I do not trust him and he is a fugly slut. The characters included in this approach are as follows: James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Regulus Black.

Following the scientific criteria for ugly crying, as stated by lynxindisguise et. al (2023), the question of the ugliest crier can be answered by observing the crying person and assessing their ugly-levels on the following parameters: (1) unbecoming facial expressions, (2) facial swelling/blotching, (3) unsettling noises, (4) snot factor, (5) tear volume, (6) general loss of dignity, (7) glistening eyes/lashes, (8) Victorian heroine factor, (9) elegant tear-wiping, (10) post-cry glow (ibid).

Criteria (1)-(6) can be categorized as the ugly crying parameters whereas (7)-(10) are pretty crying parameters, creating a false binary between ugly and pretty crying, which may be problematised and addressed in another the paper. In contrast to lynxindisguise’s original 10 criteria to measure the aesthetics of crying, this paper proposes to add (11) explosiveness of cry as another ugly crying parameter, in order to get a more clear assessment of where on the ugly-pretty crying scale a character falls.

The ugly crying parameters

(1) Unbecoming facial expressions

James Potter is mentioned in this category by several marauders scholars: @jaylienpotter talks about his red face and ugly sobbing, @artbyace mentions his “scrunched up cry face” and @sectoren claimes “james (…) is that one handsome guy that when the waterworks get going becomes like. Cartoonishly ugly”, raising the question of upkeeping toxic masculinity in order to avoid having to witness more of James Potter’s crying “mug”.

Though James Potter features heavily in this category, another character who is also mentioned just as often is Remus Lupin: @kaaaaaaarf, @appreciatedmoron and @http-starboy all emphasise that Remus Lupin is the one with a red and blotchy face.

(2) facial swelling/blotching

While there is a definitive overlap between the categories of facial swelling/blotching, unbecoming facial expressions and snot factor, Sirius’ and Regulus’ victorian heroine complexions, which give them an advantage in the homonymous category, may be to their disadvantage in the “blotching” category. This will require further research by other scholars.

(3) unsettling noises

James Potter is mentioned in this category by Jaylienpotter (2023), claiming he not only hiccups when crying but also that “his cries are one of the most heartbreaking things you’ll ever hear” and similarly, artbyace states that “James loves and feels so loudly”, whereas “Sirius is silent”, both sentiments are reminiscent of znelda’s (2023) statements that James “was allowed to feel his emotions freely in a loving household” and “Sirius (…) [is] used to hide [his] feelings and [has] become stoic”.

With several other scholars, among them also @jamesunderwater (2023) raising the point that James may be the ugliest crier due to him being “the only one well adjusted enough to have access to his feelings” this raises the question of possibly introducing another category, maybe of emotional awareness/stability to be able to measure this parameter more efficiently, though emotional vulnerability may also just be a part of the unsettling noises parameter, suggesting that there is a correlation between noisiness and the existing environment being welcoming to and accepting of various expressions of emotions.

(4) snot factor

The most popular winner in the snot factor category seems to be Remus Lupin, with several scholars agreeing that his sobs are the dampest and snottiest out of all the candidates. kaaaaaaarf (2023) writes “he turnes all red and blochty and snot drips out of his nose (…) he cant (sic) not cry with his mouth open as well so there is a lot of spit”, and appreciatedmoron (2023) agrees with kaaaaaaarf on this.

It only seems right to me to include spit in the snot category as well, seeing as they’re both crying-related bodily fluids that add to the ugly-cry factor. http-starboy (2023) also mentions snot in regards to Remus Lupin, which compared to both their comments in (1) opens up the question of how unbecoming facial expressions, more particularly redness of the face and snot factor may be related, as several authors seem to write about both specifically in relation to each other. Whether this is just pure coincidence or not would need further research, for which we currently do not have enough funding. This is only one of the many research gaps in the relatively new field of marauder’s ugly crying studies, which cannot fully be addressed in this paper.

James Potter is also mentioned in the snot category, namely by the marauders scholar artbyace (2023).

(5) tear volume

Artbyace (2023) claims James Potter is “full on bawling” which can only be assumed to refer to tear volume, but the most convincing argument for tear volume comes from the acclaimed marauders scholar @fruityindividual (2023), stating that “tsunami warning tones go off in sirius’ brain anytime remus is close 2 (sic) tears” which already indicates high levels of tear volumes. The author then goes on to specify the volume by claiming that “indeed the ocean wishes rj lupin would jump in and help contribute 2 (sic) rising sea levels”, further emphasizing the volume of Remus's tears.

(6) general loss of dignity

@pastaplatypus (2023) writes about James Potter not being able to do a Melodramatic Bollywood Cry, which is perceived as inherently racist by the crier.

I would like to argue that Sirius Black also deserves to be mentioned in this category. While as of today, with less than 1 hour left to vote, 15.5% of voters agree that Sirius is the ugliest crier, the more outspoken voices all argue for different ugly criers. Due to their upbringing, I am tempted to name both Black brothers in the “loss of dignity” category and look forward to reading future contributions to this discussion.

The pretty crying parameters

(7) glistening eyes/lashes

Undoubtedly Sirius Black deserves to be mentioned in this category. I believe his dark lashes and glimmering eyes are part of what makes him the prettiest crier. Whereas Remus’s eyes also sometimes glisten or appear red, and it is usually attributed to be caused by drug consumption, which more often than not is a wrong assumption, but he happily goes along with the pretense of being a weed-smoking bad boy in order to hide his ugly crying damp tendencies.

(8) Victorian heroine factor

It almost seems superfluous to even mention Sirius (and, to a lesser degree, Regulus) Black in this category. This category was made for Sirius, as is apparent when reading lynxindisguises (2023) description of the victorian heroine factor, in response to a question by the scholar @plecotusauritus:

“the Victorian Heroine Factor is a deeply scientific assessment of the Vibes. Is this person giving tragically beautiful, windswept Victorian Heroine, sobbing gently into their hands while sprawled across a boulder or a well or a fountain of some sort? When they look up at you, do their tear-plumped lips part elegantly as a single tear slides down their cheek?”

(9) elegant tear-wiping

There hasn't been a lot of research in this area, but I would like to propose handkerchiefs with embroidered initials and family crests as another potential factor in favor of the Black brothers scoring high marks in this category as well as the Victorian heroine factor.

(10) post-cry glow

Artbyace (2023) claims “lily is always beautiful (…) even when crying”, which is echoed by znelda’s (2023) earlier claim that “Lily (…) [is] a woman and no woman is ugly when crying.”

Sirius is the other popular choice by marauders scholars for this category, with @in-flvx (2023) stating that he “handsomely handsomes while dying after 12 years of torture hell and another year in shackles”, which would mean that “a few tears would[n’t] stop him from being the hottest person in the room at all times” (ibid).

Additional parameters

I am suggesting to introduce an additional metric in order to further specify and better assess the ugly-crying levels:

(11) explosiveness of cry

@felixantares (2023) introduces the idea that Remus “is the type that very few people have been seen cry because he ignores every difficult emotion hes (sic) ever had (…) and it all explodes at once and its horrible to watch when he breaks down”, a sentiment shared by several of the other authors mentioned above in various other categories.

Further opinions & conclusions

The most popular consensus seems to be that Sirius cannot be the ugliest crier, sometimes also in direct comparison to his brother: @spindrifters (2023) answers the question of the ugliest crier with “obviously it’s regulus”, elaborating that “at least [it’s] definitely not sirius bc (sic) reg is canonically less handsome in all ways” which brings up the question if regular beauty plays into ugly crying. This is contrasted by lynxindisguises argument, that Sirius may be an ugly crier because he’s so gorgeous, and his ugly crying subverts the expectations of beauty:

“the most beautiful man alive looks hideous while crying, and his deeply awkward and perpetually damp bf (sic) is literally in his element while crying – dampness becomes him, you might say.”

This statement raises yet another question – does regular crying make the crier more or less ugly? Can an ugly crier become a pretty crier by practice or are we all born either ugly or pretty criers, condemned to this fate for life?

While this paper has given an overview of the current state of research to ugly crying/pretty crying, it has also raised many more questions. Other topics which may be addressed in future papers also include the philosophical question whether ugly crying is in the eye of the beholder and if it is possible to ugly cry without being perceived, and if it is possible to ugly cry if the person perceiving you doesn’t find it ugly. Since the research field of ugly crying is a relatively new one, we can only hope to read many more opinions on these and other topics in the future, and I look forward to reading different scholar’s approaches to these highly relevant topics.

[arklayraven]

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