#things are rough and you gotta take care of yourself first and foremost okay?

[rayshippouuchiha]

Life hates me right now

So I’ve been dealing with a lot of shit, which is why- despite my best efforts- I haven’t updated Murray Aideku.

Since January I have had:

Several flus/colds (I rarely get sick)

A bronchial flare up AND a allergic reaction to the literal last kind of medicine I can take for it because I’m allergic to penicillin and it’s derivatives 

Had to go to the hospital for acute back pain (hello degenerative disc disease) AND hypertension (from the pain, but still heart attack territory)

and now my boss is throwing a bitch fit from hell because my closing shifts haven’t been 100%. Which is kinda hard to do when you’re on medically enforced light duty and can’t pick up anything heavier than 25 lbs, can’t twist easily because of the back brace I’m required to wear, and are still expected to run like the Energizer Bunny.

I’ve been fucking trying, but I rarely have energy to socialize with my cat, much less type my story.

So I’m working on it, but it’s slow going.

Just wanted to keep you in the loop for chapter 2.

[castudies]

In general how do you study? Like what is your studying process... i really want to know bc i'm an econ student too and econ does not rely on memorization mostly but on understanding which really takes a lot of time i don't know what i'm doing and i've been in uni for a year

Oooo so first full disclosure: I do not have a systematic approach to studying. I've tried n tried but it is just not congruent w my learning style. But anyway I’m gonna bullet point this

First and foremost, my opinion is to engage with the material in a way that suits you. You cannot be a passive student in the way that memorization let’s you be, especially with econ. A lot of that comes down to (1) having audacity and (2) being humble in what you know and, more importantly, what you don't. It’s those 2 factors that will lead to helpful behaviors like going to office hours, asking questions during class, etc. And when I say questions I basically mean any question, including something as simple as asking your prof to repeat what they said or to give another example or different phrasing. It’s so easy to get lost in both econ jargon and equations, and professors know that. A lot of it will not click the first time around and you should expect that kind of resistance. Again, let it humble you.

You’ve gotta rewrite/walk through your notes, especially the graphs. Dissect each step and ask why one thing leads to another. The econ example that comes to mind would be like when you’re studying substitution and income effects (shout out labor econ). It’s not enough to memorize the graph or the indifference curves or the points plotted. You need to ask: why are we moving along the budget line? Okay, so then if that’s the case why are we now jumping indifference curves? Which part is the income effect? Why is the income effect like that? What’s the intuition behind the change in slope?

And more generally: If something’s not working, don’t force it. If you’re sitting with your problem set and you’ve been on #3 for the past hour, chances are you’re not going to solve #3 any time soon (at least not with whatever method you’ve been trying). This circles back to my first point which is to engage e.g. ask for help. Email your TA or your professor. Find the discord or slack channel and see if anyone else is stuck and/or can explain. Sometimes (or imo often) you cannot do this on your own.

Lastly, if it ever comes to it, please feel free to hmu. I know I’m not a PhD in econ and purely undergrad, but I’m very proud of the progress I’ve made and work I’ve done with respect to studying econ. I’m happy to share any of my notes, look over a problem, etc. I’m also part of a discord server dedicated to econ students if that’s of any interest to you. :)

Take care of and be patient with yourself, anon. My first year of econ was rough and it’s expressly because of the fact that memorization isn’t enough. And if you can find it in you, enjoy the subject. Economics is endlessly fascinating with vast implications for the world. It can be a pain in the ass–as most things worth learning are–but it truly is a privilege to learn it. You’ve got this!

[aizawaorkuroo]

SO worried about taking up space headcanons

_________________________________

Request: how you think the boys (those two or, like, any of the bnha crew) would deal with a SO who was worried about the amount of space she takes up or felt like her size prevented her from being “cute” or otherwise attractive? 

Characters: Yagi Toshinori, Todoroki Enji, Aizawa Shouta, Dabi, Nemuri Kayama

A/N: the request said the boys and I added ms. Midnight I’m sorry I could not stop myself you can ignore that if you’d like htsegrwefbdf

Warnings: Enji is well… Enji… and Dabi is Dabi…Dabi’s got nasty I’M SORRY

_________________________________

❣️Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori is probably the most sympathetic to your concerns. He feels too gangly and awkward when he’s not in his hero form. But even then, he feels uncomfortable in his own skin, even when he’s All Might. Yes, he’s large and heroic, but he also doesn’t quite feel like himself; he feels larger than life, unstoppable but at a price. 

So he kind of understands how you feel, and it crushes him. He thinks you’re beautiful and he adores the ground you walk on, so the fact that you feel like your size prevents you from being cute breaks his heart

If you’ve had a particularly rough day, and you’re feeling not too great about yourself, he’ll draw you close to him in bed, and cup your face with his hands, letting his thumbs stroke your skin. Toshinori dips forward to rest his forehead against yours, and he’ll whisper the sweetest things to you. And it’s embarrassing, and part of you wants to pull away, but another part of you wants to keep listening. His warm hands hold you in place, forcing you to choose the latter

He wants you to be confident, to bloom into a self assured person and be comfortable with yourself. If he could kiss away all of your insecurities, he would. But maybe he can hold your hand, remind you that he loves everything about you, and maybe the two of you can grow together

❣️Todoroki Enji

Enji does not understand your concerns. He’s massive and bulky, taking up an absurdly large amount of space, which is a positive thing when you’re a pro hero. So he can’t relate to your concerns, but the first time you ever mention it, he pulls you into his lap and he litters the side of your neck with burning kisses. His hands squeeze your legs, and he murmurs, “so fucking pretty and cute,” against your skin. You see, Enji is rough and big and mean, so when you’re next to him he always thinks you’re cute and pretty and so sweet 🥰🥰

Enji also thinks of being tall as synonymous with power and strength, and he’s into it, regardless of whether or not you are actually strong. He wants you to take up space and be proud of who you are. 

He’s never really soft, but he makes an effort to mention how cute and pretty you are. Granted with him it's primarily during sex, but he still makes the effort lmao

If one of your concerns is being clumsy, you do not need to worry about that with Enji. Like at all. It’s kind of fucked up, but whenever you miscalculate how much space you take up, and accidentally knock something over, he rolls his eyes, but deep down it makes his heart skip a beat cause he’s a weirdo. It makes his protective instincts come out. He would never tell you this, but he thinks it’s cute lmaooo Like if you’re awkward, he feels the need to swoop in and take care of you, despite his feigned reluctance. He just wants to take care of his baby, and make them feel cute and special, so can you really blame him??? 🥺🥺

❣️Aizawa Shouta 

He’s not like Enji where he doesn’t understand, but Shouta is a little confused. He looks at you laughing at something on the TV, pouting when Yamada makes fun of you, or whimpering beneath him as your fingers tangle in the sheets, and how can he not think you’re cute?? You’re his whole entire world, his cute little kitten 🥺🥺

When he notices you shrinking in on yourself, wanting to be smaller, his eyebrows crease deeply, and frown fixes itself on his face. He wants you to be comfortable in your own skin and be able to walk down the street with your head held high. 

He doesn’t think too highly of himself, but you? Holy fucking shit, you are the living embodiment of beauty to him, a sublime creature that he is lucky and honored to have in his life

He’s not always vocal with his thoughts, but he’ll do his best to reassure you. He’ll kiss up and down the length of your body, showing appreciation for every square inch. He loves you. He loves you. He loves you. He loves every inch of you. 

He wants you to be comfortable with yourself, but he knows he can’t just force the insecurities away. So he’ll be by your side, reminding you of his devotion and admiration every day as long as you’ll have him

❣️Dabi

First and foremost, Dabi’s a fucking bitch lmao If you ever like tell him why you feel insecure and uncomfortable, he’ll just be like “Are you fucking stupid?” It makes you pause, and he’ll roll his eyes, before pushing back on the bed. He’s not great with words, but maybe he can fuck some common sense into you. At least that’s what he thinks. When you’re cumming so cutely under him, he’ll laugh and grip your thighs, all while cooing about how cute you are when you shudder in bliss

He knows it’s not a permanent fix and that he’s done nothing that will actually help you, but he’s not sure exactly what else to do. He knows he’s pissed, that much is certain. Not at you (never at you) but at the fact that you feel this way. He thinks you’re hot as fuck, and wants you to take up as much space as you can. This world is so fucked, but you’re not. The more space you take up the better in his mind.

Dabi will sometimes talk to you while you’re asleep. It highkey sucks cause that’s when he’s the sweetest. He’ll just murmur about the future and how pretty you look in the moonlight that’s streaming through the window. His fingers will trace invisible patterns along your thighs, and he watches the steady rise and fall of your chest, and all he really wants is for you to see how perfect you are too

You’re too good for him. He knows that, he really does. And he hates that this society makes you feel this way. In his mind, you’re so cute and innocent and the fact that you feel so insecure is a testament to how society is fucked. So he’s gotta make sure you stay with him. He’s gotta take care of you, and try to make it so you never feel that way again 🥺🥺

❣️Nemuri Kayama

Okay, Kayama thinks you’re so fucking hot. She wants to leave kisses and marks all along your body, but especially your legs. She loves how tall you are, and she truly dreams of having your legs wrapped around her head. She could get lost in you, and all the skin, all the curves and contours of your body

When she finds out you’re insecure about “taking up too much space” or “not being cute” she loses it. She makes sure to compliment you all the time, trying to remind you of how much she loves you and thinks you’re cute

Kayama will always be the big spoon!! She will die on this hill!! She’ll wrap her arms around you, pressing her chest against your back, and she’ll litter the back of your neck with kisses. She wants you to feel loved 🥺🥺

Kayama is also the type to show off all the time!! Regardless of the situation. She’s always like “Yamada, have you seen how good Y/N looks?” This happens A LOT at like hero events. She always shows you off and introduces you as her hot S/O who good be a model. You’ll get flustered as the continues to praise you, but the more you get embarrassed, the more she glows. 

Kayama knows she’s hot, and she knows you’re hot, and cute, and beautiful, and everything good in this world rolled up into one person and she wants every fucking person on this planet to know it too

[chateautae]

I for duck's sake need help people.....see, I would be very pleased if anyone of you would just help me out....the thing is, I have been in a relationship for like around 3 years and trust me, he is like the most perfect kinda person I have ever met..but now comes the main issue, he has till now, never ever hinted me about doing anything ( the max. we have went is uk till just a little makeout types, ik spoiling my sex life like this sucks but that's why I am going anonymous and I think some of you might have experienced it ig, don't take me wrong, I mean like uk). The good thing is, we both are understanding and extremely working persons (he works as a employee in a business firm and I am a newbie doctor (kinda just started my practice as a doctor)....and even though I am a doctor and that having sex is like a normal thing because we literally studies everything, I still freak out upon thinking about doing it with him....it's not like I am scared or anything but I just want some uk girl tips upon how to actually do it....reading about it is quite, tbh, okay for me, but then doing it is like, a difficult task....i bet you he knows about everything and that's why he hasn't hinted upon anything but like from the past 1 week, he jas been dropping kinda hints ig.....like I won't go into the details, otherwise I would be hella embarrassed, not that I am not right now, I am literally sitting in the washroom typing this ( don't judge me)....while reading about it, it feels so easy to execute everything but then when doing it in real life is like so much like wierd ig....I mean how do I respond to it.....I am nervous and what not.....as 25yo, I sometimes feel wierd that I can't uk do it......can anyone of you just help me please......like some girl tips.....I searched it on Google too, still I don't have the courage.....amd moreover, my friends circle is so wierd amd plus, I am too shy to ask anyone.....ik asking this in such a way and place is way too inappropriate to be even considered normal....it's not like I am not ready for it, it's just I am quite nervous about how to do it.....tbh, he hasn't forced me even once still remained to be sweet and all but internally we noth know, we might wanna step up.....HELP PLZ.....my mom is way too conservative to even have an open conversation about kisses let alone doing it....

Oh hun, you are completely and tOTALLY allowed to come to this blog for any advice and not feel ashamed. This is an 18+ blog and anyone here would be so glad to help you, something like this is totally normal!! I shall leave my words under the cut, though if anyone else would like to help this lovely anon please do not hesitate to drop off a reply or even something in my inbox! I'll answer right away to help anyone wondering the same thing 💓

Alright hun, first and foremost I am so happy your relationship has been so strong! And I'm glad you're with someone who hasn't pushed you or anything into doing anything sexual yet, I'll tell you from experience that can be extremely daunting and uncomfy so I'm super relieved your man has been sweet!!

In terms of real advice, tbh I'm quite the wrong person to go to. I lost my v-card with my first boyfriend when I was 16, literally we were both inexperienced and even the times we did you know, do the deed it was very clumsy and nobody knew what they were doing, and the second person I've been with was a Kiseok situation (if you read maybe I do, yes Kiseok is based on a real person in my life) so fuck that dude. But maybe my own inexperience can also help you out, here are at least some lady tips I can think of:

1. Make sure you're comfortable. I say comfortable instead of ready because I'm quite the believer in if you wait until the moment you're ready, you'll wait your entire life. So my best advice is to make sure you're comfy with the situation and your partner!!

2. Ensure your partner is someone who cares about you. I know everyone's stories are different, and not everyone has sex with someone they've been with for a long time or even love, one night stands are totally okay and I salute you sister. get that dick!!! But even in situations where you're with a stranger, sex is a very intimate thing, and it would make your experience 1000x better if you can at least tell the person cares about you and your body and your wishes during sex. Everyone deserves to be respected during an intimate act like sex and if you feel you're not being respected, whether it's your body, your wishes, your limits, your choices, do not feel obligated to still go through with this person.

3. You have to be wet. Of course not all sexual encounters happen the same way, and every female gets off on different things or turned on by a variety of actions, but essentially you have to be wet for sex. Most men understand this but a lot also don't, basically you gotta get into that juicy foreplay to get wet my girl. Try making out, maybe if you're sitting down swing a leg over his lap and bam you're straddling him. This position is usually optimal because you gain the opportunity to grind against yo man's crotch and my fucking God, does that shit feel hella nice. It's also highkey ego-boosting feeling how much the guy's getting worked up because literally anytime you grind or move over their crotch it immediately spikes to their dick and you can usually feel them against you. If you're standing, try moving to an area that has a wall and keep grabbing at your man's neck, usually men naturally will indicate you to jump and you'll easily be all up against the wall making out, this gets hella fun too cause being carried like that is so 😩

3.2. Okay cool, we're making out, now it's essentially a game of go with the flow. Men usually take the initiative and begin the escalation of things on their own. Maybe he'll start kissing down your neck, his hands are gonna be somewhere at your waist, maybe inching down to your ass or maybe he's an ass guy and he's already palming at yo cheeks. Regardless, I can confidently say you can sit back and relax, let yourself feel, get into the kissing and grinding and if you love the way he's touching you, make some noise and let him know, don't be afraid to be turned on and goddamn horny, dudes love that shit. You however are also allowed to take the wheel, and guys usually search for the greenlight from girls by sensing their movements and how eager they seem for the go-ahead on anything. If maybe you begin tugging at his clothes, they'll usually think "okay, she's okay with this rn" and so on. This part's sincerely just go with the flow, you don't need to rush and honestly the more foreplay the better for getting your puthy wet. Make sure you're comfy and your partner makes sure you're okay with that they're doing to you.

3.3. Whoop dee doo your man's hands are suddenly going, you know, places. Another case of go with the flow, if you're comfortable with your man wanting to do a lil rubby dubby on your kitty then totally let him, this shit feel's god-like I tell you. Maybe I'm just a sensitive ass whore, who knows but something about feeling a man's hands do what your lady fingers can't just HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But essentially from here maybe you wanna reciprocate. Get them pesky pants open and feel your man up. Reach inside those boxers and touch that beast he's hiding inside. Make sure to go nice and slow and your hands aren't rough, men's dick are super sensitive and if you go too hard on at least a dry dick it acc hurts them. Men usually leak pre-cum at their tips so try using some of that to slick up your hand.

3.4. That's handjobbing, now if we're getting into oral, very important things to remember. A) retract your teeth, it's hard and it hurts to do it for a long time but teeth will hurt dudes a lot so suck them in and away from their cocks. B) Hollow your cheeks, men like the tightness of a mouth and that's what really gets them going. C) BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE PLEASE DO NOT JUST STOP BREATHING AND TAKE YOUR TIME OKAY BLOWJOBS ARE ACC VERY FUCKING HARD AND FUCK YOU UP especially for someone like me who has a small mouth, yeah that shit sUCKS but nothing is more beautiful than seeing a man fold under your touch. D) Tease yo man a bit, kitten licks and kisses, dragging your tongue over his slit, maybe a pump and then take him out, slick him up with some saliva maybe, anything you feel like doing go ahead girl, that dick is yours for the time being and I promise he'll love it. E) Deep-throating is really when gets guys going cause they only acc feel shit at their tips, so please deep-throat with caution, and take your time if he's a big one, you can acc really hurt yourself especially if you're constantly deep-throating a really big one. F) Go to town girl, get up and bobbing, go down on him like he can't survive without you, go at your own pace and own it. G) Balls usually go neglected and I promise if you even fondle them or grab at them your man will combust.

3.5. Okay so with actual sex, FIRST OF ALL BE SAFE!!!! USE A FUCKING CONDOM, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE THEN DON'T FUCK BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HORNY THEN PLEASE RECIEVE SOME MONEY FROM YO MAN FOR PLAN B!!! IT'S NOT ENTIRELY FOOLPROOF THOUGH PLEASE REMEMBER THAT RISK. You can totally go on birth control too but this has its complications, there are also monthly shots you can take and other contraceptives.

3.6. Okay it's sexy times, this is just gonna have to be a thing for you. Everyone's different and has different comfort levels, maybe you can take someone that’s bigger while some women can't and that's fine. Just make sure when he does go in, you feel okay with it. It will hurt if you’re dry and not wet, like hurt a lOT but if you do feel loads of pain just let your partner know to go slower, and let yourself get used to the feeling of something inside. You can always say stop if it hurts too much, seriously it's normal and that's what I did with my first boyfriend. Hell I fucking kicked my ex off me LMAO and he was so sorry and we just ended everything there, and had actual sex the next time I visited him. From here on I've really got no lady tips, essentially it's up to you what you like and what you'll do, get it on!!!

General Tips:

4. Be you, and be confident. I know sex can be really daunting especially when you consider men usually tend to be more experienced, and maybe you become afraid you won't measure up or be as good as his previous partners or you’re not good at sex, but baby girl it ain't about that. This dude is going to have sex with you because he wants to have sex with you, and whether that's his dick speaking for him or his heart, it means he will not be thinking about some other  chick he got it on with a year ago, he will be thinking of you and your pretty mouth and what you're doing, focused on touching your body and thinking he loves the way it feels. The more confident you are, the better. You're sexy and pretty and you are desirable babes, let those noises he makes when you touch him drive your confidence, the way he groans a little when you do something, the way he's tugging your body close to yours cause he wants to feel you, it all means he wants you and that's hot, let it boost your lady ego my love. You're allowed to be shy, I totally understand that, and if your partner really cares about you then they'll easily take your hand and guide you through it. Let them know you're a little nervous, and they'll really try to make things more comfy and easier for you because sex is about both parties, not just one.

5. Orgasming is hard, but it's still achievable. Especially in an open, established relationship, really let your man know what turns you on. Let him feel at your cooch while he's penetrating you and I promise that can usually get you orgasming. Other than that, another huge case of doing what you need to do to get yourself off, and always let your partner know. If you’re really searching for an orgasm in a newer relationship or if you’re too shy to say something, then literally just take your man’s hand and place him over your clit and start rubbing with him, he’ll get the hint and start doing it himself. 

6. Communication is key. This is obvious, but even if it's dirty talk, usually it's still a way to communicate and see if you're okay. You can ask to go slower, faster, softer, harder, stop altogether or entirely wreck your goddamn shit. Your partner should listen and if they don't, get the fuck out of there and leave that man, he don't fucking deserve you at all, especially in situations where you ask to stop or to slow down cause maybe something hurts, if he doesn't listen here then no, he don't deserve shit and LEAVE. Don't be afraid to make noise either or say something, dudes usually love hearing you. If you don’t like something please let your partner know, I’m sure they’re wondering if you do and would love to hear you communicating. 

7. Be clean after you're done woo-hoo-ing. Make sure you're tidy and stuff before putting clothes back on, sex can get messy especially if it's your first time you can bleed. Usually if the dude is a sweetheart enough they'll clean you, which is obviously aftercare uwu.

8. Pee after sex, UTI's are not fun. 

9. Your body may also feel weird or go through changes after you have sex for the first time, but that’s normal. Just you body’s response to feeling something foreign inside you. 

10. Ladies, remembering during sex that you have power, IT’S YOUR BODY!!!! Whether it’s because you’re totally domming or because your man is super duper sweet and will not do anything unless you want it, sex is meant to be fun and for both parties’ enjoyment. It’s not a chore nor is it something you HAVE to do to keep your man around or something, let yourself have fun girl, you deserve it. The flow of sex and any activities as such are usually dictated by you and what you want, so remember you don’t have to go through with something if you don’t want to. It shouldn’t matter if a dude really badly wants to get his dick wet, this is your body and you are to decide what happens to it. If a man makes you believe otherwise, FUCK THAT DUDE!!!! HE DON’T DESERVE YOU!!! YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT AND TO BE CARED FOR AS A HUMAN BEING!!

[dialovers-translations]

Diabolik Lovers GRAND EDITION for Switch ;; More, Blood ー Yuma Dark [Epilogue]

Monologue

ーー The way to survive in a world which has lost all order.

Is to first and foremost band together as a group. 

No matter how strong or how clever you may be,

if your opponent outnumbers you by just the slightest margin,

you have no shot at winning.

That is most likely the reason why,

the more rowdy the city, the larger the number of gangs.

And in this city as well,

the gangs which had been formed by groups of orphansーー

they would call them ‘teams’,

and there were several of them.

Lucks was the Boss who kept together,

one of the top teams of the city,

and also the person who picked me up,

after I was left for dead in a back-alley.

One day, one week, one month. 

The more time I spent together with him,

the more I began to realize just how amazing he truly was.

He was obviously skilled in battle,

but also oddly intelligent for someone who lived in the slums,

as well did he excel in leadership and decision-making.

On top of that, he had a strong sense of justice and a caring heart.

It was only obvious that many people gathered,

around such an ideal-seeming leader.

Including myself as well,

Boss therefore had many henchman under his wing.

He would even look out for those henchmen’s followers.

There was simply no way that someone with such principles,

could let a person starve to death.

Thanks to Boss,

we got a serving of bread and fruit once every day.

However, the number of us henchmen,

was by no means small. Regardless,

how did Boss manage to provide,

this much food for us?

The amount was simply too much to achieve through theft.

I found this odd.

ー The scene starts with a flashback in the city

Lucks: Here you go, Bear. This is today’s share.

Bear: ...Say, how do you get your hands on this food?

Lucks: Haah? You’re worried about that sorta stuff?

Bear: I’m glad you’re feeding us. However, I’m worried you might be getting yourself involved with dangerous business...

Lucks: Seems like you still don’t quite understand. Not a single thing is risk-free in this city.

Bear: Thenーー

Lucks: But you know, that is nothing for you to worry about.

That’s my duty as a Boss. All you need to do is sit there and munch on your bread.

Bear: ...

*TIMESKIP*

Bear: ( Sometimes Boss disappears without a word... )

( If I find out how he acquires the food, I might be able to help out as well. )

( I owe Boss big time. So I want to help him in every way I can. )

Lucks: ...Ugh...

*Thud*

Bear: ...! B-Boss!?

Oi, Boss! Hang in there! Why are you this...?

Lucks: ...Bear...Is that you? You found me at the worst possible time...

*Rustle*

Bear: ( There’s chafes all over his body...? )

...! Boss, don’t tell me...

Lucks: ...If possible, I would have liked to keep this a secret from you. Despite your rough personality, you are still innocent after all (1)...

The people who give me money...They all treat me like some kind of slave...However, I don’t plan on selling off my heart or soul.

No matter how much money they offer, or how much they control me...I will never belong to anyone.

Even quasi-livestock like me still has a pride left...

ー The flashback ends as the scene shifts to the infirmary

Yuma: ...

A livestock’s pride, huh...?

Yui: ...Nn...

Yuma: Pretty cheeky of ya to repeat his exact same words, huh? Right, Sow...?

*Rustle*

Reinhart: How is she doing?

Yuma: Aahn? Fuck off. Can’t ya tell? She’s snoozin’.

Reinhart: Oh my, you’re right. That being said, she seemed to be suffering from pretty severe anemia...Do you have any clue what might have happened?

Yuma: Beats me! Why do ya ask me? It’s damn annoyin’.

Reinhart: Why, you ask? ...Aren’t you her boyfriend?

Yuma: Boyfriend? Hah! That’s the best joke I’ve ever heard.

Reinhart: Oh, you’re not? I figured that was the case seeing as you were carrying her in your arms as you brought her in.

Yuma: That’s not her role. She’s just part of a ‘means’. ...One to fulfill my ambition, that is.

Reinhart: Your ambition? Are you talking about your dreams for the future? I’m impressed you’ve already got that figured out at your age! What kind of dream is it?

Yuma: Che, shut up. Didn’t ya hear me when I said you’re damn annoyin’!?

Reinhart: Ah, come on. If you shout like thaーー

*Rustle*

Yui: Nn...

Reinhart: See? You woke her up. Good morning, Komori-san. How are you feeling?

Yui: Sensei and...Yuma-kun...?

( ...Right. I was about to fall over from anemia, when Yuma-kun stepped in and... )

( ...My memory is failing me. I must have lost consciousness at some point after he sucked my blood a second time... )

Uhm, right now it’s...?

Reinhart: Fourth period is almost over. You slept soundly.

Yui: That long...?

Yuma: Ya slept way too long just ‘cause you’re runnin’ a lil’ low on blood!

Yui: S-Sorry...

Reinhart: Watch your mouth, Yuma-kun! That’s not a very nice way to put it? Being kind to women should be the basic rule of any man, no?

Yuma: Kind? Hah, you’ve got to be kidding me. She’s not worth that sorta treatment.

Yui: ( I’m nothing but a toy in Yuma-kun’s eyes after all...There’s no way he would be kind to me. )

( ...But, he did bring me to the infirmary after I had lost consciousness. I should be grateful for that, right? )

( Although he is the reason this happened in the first place though... )

Reinhart: Hmm, your complexion is still a little pale. Are you anemic after all?

Right now you are only showing light symptoms, but if it gets more severe, please go to the hospital.

Well, you kids are still young, so for now focus on eating good, nutritious meals, okay?

Yui: Yes. Thank you very much.

Reinhart: Well then, I’ll be on my way to the staff room but if you still feel unwell, you can rest here. What about you, Yuma-kun?

Yuma: Aah? If she remains here, I obviously will as well.

Reinhart: Fufu, you must be really worried about her.

Yui ( No way he’s worried, he just wants to keep an eye on me... )

Reinhart: I’ll leave you in her care then. Ah, do you remember what I said earlier? You have to be kind toーー

Yuma: Shut yer fuckin’ mouth! Go already!!

Reinhart: Ahaha, good luck then!

Yui: ( Sensei’s amazing, he can just laugh it off when Yuma-kun snaps at him. )

Yuma-kun, are you sure you shouldn’t go? To class.

Yuma: ...Aah?

Yui: ( Uwah, he’s in a foul mood...I probably shouldn’t say anything unnecessary now... )

Yuma: Geez...From havin’ to carry ya ‘round, gettin’ hindered by that damn NEET to dealin’ with that nosy Teacher...Today seriously sucked big time.

It’s all ‘cause ya collapsed on me. Take some responsibility, Sow.

Yui: ...! N-No more blood today, okay!?

( I feel like I’ll be in serious trouble if he sucks me yet another time! )

Yuma: I’ve fed off ya twice and ya already reached yer limit? It’s ‘cause you’re so damn tiny.

...Che, guess it can’t be helped. It won’t be delicious if I suck ya when you’re already all shriveled.

Then just rest up here until school’s over. I get to skip classes as well. Gotta watch ya after all. I won’t have Ruki scold me afterwards.

Yui: The whole time...Until after class? I’ve actually come to school, so I’d like to at least attend final period...

Yuma: Don’t be complainin’! I’m tellin’ ya to rest so get to sleep!!

Yui: F-Fine...! I understand, so please don’t yell like that.

Yuma: ...Che, look at ya twitchin’ in fear. Nn...

Yui: ( Ah, those sugar cubes again...He brings those with him even to school. Just how much does he like them? )

( Well, but...Despite everything he says, he’ll stay here with me the whole time, right? Even if he just wants to skip class. )

( Perhaps Yuma-kun is just the slightest bit worried about me as well. )

( I should probably thank him at least? )

ー Yuma moves closer

Yui: Say, Yuma-kun. Thaーー Nguh!?

*Rustle*

–> If you are playing the Limited V edition or the Grand Edition, little black roses will appear on the screen. If you click on them, you get an extra line of dialogue.

“Don’t make a fuss. Keep still.”

“...Aah? What? You’re curious ‘bout Sugar-chan?”

“Che...! Geez, this bed is too damn small...They should change it to somethin’ a lil’ more fittin’ for someone my size!”

Yui: ...!?

Yuma: Nn...Come on, eat it. Don’t ya dare spit it out. 

Yui: ( It’s sweet...Is this sugar he’s forcing inside my mouth...!? )

Yuma: Ya should feel grateful. I’m sharin’ my cute lil’ Sugar-chan with someone like ya after all...

Yui: ...Nn...

Yuma: Come on, I’ll make an exception and add in one more.

Yui: ( My mouth’s full...! How many will he stuff inside...!? )

Nn...Phew...Nn...

Yuma: Hah...Ya swallowed them all, right?

Yui: ( Is it from the...sweetness of the sugar? For some reason, I feel strange... )

Yuma: How’s that? Delicious, right?

Eat some good food like this to get yer blood runnin’ again, then lemme suck it as soon as possible. ...Understood?

If even livestock has a pride, ya shouldn’t throw in the towel over somethin’ like this.

Show me some guts...

Yui: ( I doubt sugar cubes will provide much nutrition though... )

( ...But, he might be worrying about me in his own way. )

( I wonder if he has this side to him because he was once human...? )

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

Translation notes

(1) The term 擦れる or ‘sureru’ usually means something like ‘to become worn out’ or ‘to chafe’, but it can also mean ‘to lose one’s innocence’. 

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

<- [ Dark 10 ] [ Maniac Prologue ] ->

[a-splash-of-stucky]

Priorities (5)

Pairings: Bucky x Reader

Summary: You have a long talk with your husband.

Warnings: if you don’t like reading about Deep Conversations™, this chapter probably isn’t for you. Language, implied nausea.

Word Count: 2.8k

Notes: It’s finally here - the chapter that everyone has been waiting for :D

An alternative summary for this chapter would’ve been ‘Bucky gets his head out of his ass’. Written for @buckyofthemyscira​’s 5k Disney Writing Challenge. 

Series Masterlist | My Masterlist | Tags are open, add yourself here

Bucky is nervous.

Scratch that, he’s beyond nervous.

Even his nerves are nervous, goddammit.

(Shuri would say that he’s highkey terrified.)

Bucky legitimately thinks that he’s about to shit his pants, and isn’t that just a pleasant thought?

The last time his palms were this sweaty, he’d been pacing the floor of his mouldy dorm room, anxiously waiting to propose to you. The last time his heart was pounding this hard, he’d been seconds away from giving his first presentation to the SI board of directors. The last time his throat had been this dry, he’d been standing under a canopy of flowers, preparing himself to recite his vows to you.

Bucky can hardly hear anything beyond the roar of his pulse in his ears, and that bagel he’d had for breakfast is slowly working its way up his throat.

So yeah. He’s nervous as fuck.

You haven’t said anything since you stumbled across him, so Bucky clears his throat and lets the words pour out of his mouth.

“Look, honey, I’m sorry. I’ve — well, heh. I’ve been a pretty fucking shit husband lately, and I’m so, so sorry,” he says sincerely, “I can’t say that enough. If you’d like to...I mean...do you wanna talk?”

You blink owlishly. “Now?” you ask.

“Uh...yeah?” he says slowly. “Or...is now not a good time?”

You narrow your eyes in suspicion. “Well, I don’t know, is it a good time for you, James? You’re always going on about a certain project you’re working on, and how you’re so busy with it.”

Bucky grimaces. Yeah, he probably deserved that. He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly.

“I, um — I asked Shuri and Sam to man the fort for a bit. We’ve got time.”

You purse your lips. “How did you know where to find me?”

Bucky blushes, ducking his head shyly. “Um, Steve showed me one of your blogposts—”

“He what?” you squawk. “He reads my—my blog?”

“Well, he kinda stumbled across it when—actually nevermind,” Bucky says, breaking off with an awkward cough. “I uh...yeah, so he showed me, and I read some of them, and you mentioned in one that you were staying in your friend W’s house and….well. You’ve only got one friend whose name starts with a ‘W’, so...yeah.”

You huff dryly. Bucky stuffs his hands into his pockets and stares down at his shoes whilst he anxiously waits for your response.

“Alright,” you sigh, “Yeah, okay. Come inside.”

—

Though you knew that you’d need to talk to Bucky eventually, you’d been hoping to have at least another day to gather your thoughts. Sure, you have a rough idea of what you want to say, but you were hoping to spend the rest of the afternoon gathering your thoughts and hashing out a rough script.

Then again, Pepper did say that if Bucky wanted to sit down and talk to you, you’d be stupid not to seize the opportunity that you’d been presented with.

(Okay, perhaps those weren’t her exact words, but she’d said something to the same extent.)

Wanda’s house is empty, as she and Vis have gone out for the afternoon. You’d spent most of the morning with her and Natasha, lounging on the couch and binging your favourite TV show on Netflix. The three of you had gone your separate ways in the afternoon, after you’d told the girls about your unexpected message from Pepper.

As you bring your husband to the guest bedroom, you can’t help but feel a little bit nervous. Your skin is tingling with anticipation and your heart is thumping against your ribs. On the one hand, you’re glad that Bucky has — seemingly — come to his senses and reached out to you. On the other hand, you’ve got no idea how the next hour or so will pan out.

Will you two still be a married couple by the end of the afternoon?

Only time will tell.

You shoulder open the bedroom door and gracefully plop yourself at the foot of the bed, crossing your legs at the knee.

“Take a seat,” you tell Bucky, gesturing towards the armchair in the corner of the room.

You watch as he shrugs off his black suit jacket, carefully draping it over the armrest before he takes a seat. Now that you’re able to look at him properly, you realise just how much last night seems to have taken its toll on Bucky.

There are dark purple bags under his eyes, and the coating of stubble on his jaw indicates that he hadn’t bothered to shave this morning, which is completely unlike him. Besides that, he hasn’t taken the effort to style his hair like he usually does, and his white button-down and black slacks look crumpled, and a little worse-for-wear.”

“You look like shit,” you tell him.

Bucky’s eyes widen in surprise, before he bursts out into hysterical laughter, burying his face in his hands as his shoulders quake uncontrollably.

You’re taken aback, but choose to bite your tongue and wait out his laughing fit.

“Oh, jeez,” Bucky sighs, as he sits back and scrubs his eyes wearily. “Would you believe that you’re the third person to say to me, today?”

You shrug, biting your lip to keep your expression neutral. “It’s the truth,” you say airily.

“Yeah, well. I guess,” he sighs, before clearing his throat and sitting up straighter. “So, uh...any idea how you wanna do this? Is it okay if I say something first?”

You nod and motion for him to go ahead.

“Thanks,” he murmurs, as he clasps his hands in his lap; a sure sign of his nerves. “Okay, well, um, first and foremost — I want you to know that I love you. And that I never, ever stopped loving you, and I’m sorry if I ever made you think that way.”

He pauses, and rakes his fingers through his hair. “I guess I haven’t been doing a good enough job at being your husband, so I promise you, I’m gonna try harder, do better.”

You school your features into a neutral expression, not wanting to give away any of your thoughts. Whilst it’s nice to know that Bucky has recognised — at least some — of his faults, you don’t want to hear promises from him. You want to know how he’s actually going to fulfil the promises that he’s making.

“I think that we haven’t been communicating with each other a lot, recently,” you say slowly. “There’re things on my mind that I haven’t shared with you, and...I don’t think we’re on the same page anymore.”

“I agree.”

“So...maybe the best thing to do is to clear the air, lay out all our cards and just...take it from there, yeah?”

Bucky nods in agreement. “Great plan. So, um — yeah, like I said before, I’ve read your blogposts, and I think that I know what’s been troubling you—”

“And right there’s the problem,” you interrupt, holding up a hand to silence him. Bucky’s mouth snaps shut with an audible click.

“See, you think you know what’s bothering me, but you don’t know, not really. You can’t make assumptions like that, Buck, you gotta talk to me. And — okay, yeah, I know I’ve got my issues too, but the point is, you can’t assume that you everything — that’s kinda the crux of the issue, really.”

Bucky sits back and considers you for a moment. “Okay, I — you’re right. Yeah. Yeah, okay, I see what you’re saying,” he mumbles, as he rubs his jaw thoughtfully. “Please — talk. Enlighten me, honey.”

You sigh, idly picking at the patterned bed sheet before continuing. “Y’know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I think that my problems can be summarised into a few points.”

“Firstly, and most importantly — I miss you,” you say simply. “I miss spending time with you. You’re never home anymore, and I...I need to see you, to have quality time with you. I wanna go on walks and visit museums and do all the stuff that we used to do. I feel like I’m not getting any of your attention anymore.”

“I’m sorry,” Bucky says, fingers twitching like he’s itching to reach out and hold your hand.

You smile at him briefly before barreling on. “Don’t get me wrong — I get it, you’re stressing over this project, and I know that you’re doing all this because you want us to be in a financially secure position, but honey? I don’t care.”

That seems to shock him. Bucky’s eyes widen minutely, and his mouth twists in confusion.

“I’m serious,” you tell him. “Honey, we could be living in a crusty apartment in the shadiest part of town and I wouldn’t fucking care, as long as I had you — yeah, okay, that’s cheesy as hell, but it’s the truth.”

You pause, biting your bottom lip shyly. “When I met you, we were both broke-ass college kids. D’you remember how we had to look under the car seats to get enough money to pay for gas that one time?”

Bucky huffs out a wry laugh. “Yeah, I remember,” he murmurs.

“We were both in a shit-ton of student debt, we barely had enough money to pay the rent, we were living off instant noodles — it wasn’t the easiest of times. But, the thing is, I loved you then, I love you now, and I’ll love you through thick and thin, Bucky I swear. I just — I don’t wanna make you choose between your work and your wife, but...we need to find a way for you to have both.”

“Okay, honey, I—”

“Hold up, hold up,” you say, “I got one more thing and then you can talk.”

“Shoot.”

You steel yourself internally before continuing. “Kids.”

Bucky’s brows pull together in confusion. “What about ‘em?”

You swallow nervously. “Well, I want to have them with you, someday, but I want to raise them with you.”

“Is this about what you wrote in that blogpost?”

You nod, relief flooding through your system when you realise that he knows what you’re talking about. “Yeah. Like, I don’t want us to be that couple, where mom’s doing all the child-raising, and dad’s just...there, as this abstract father figure in their lives. I want our kids to have a dad, to hang out with their dad, to know their dad, you get me?”

—

Bucky nods slowly as he turns your words over in his head.

What you’ve described is something he can empathise with. Growing up, sure, he’d maintained a good relationship with his father, but it had always been clear to him that his mom was in charge of looking after Bucky and his sisters. His dad hadn’t been a bad dad, per se, but he hadn’t been there for any of the big, personal moments in Buck’s life, like his first girlfriend and stuff like that.

Bucky wants to do better.

“I hear you, sweetheart, and you’re right — I have been putting my work before you, more than I should be.”

He sighs, slumping further into the chair. Bucky takes the opportunity to look at you, properly look at you, the way he hasn’t done in who-knows how long.

God, how are you so always pretty? You’re dressed in a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt with a grey hoodie on top, yet you still manage to look as beautiful as the day he first met you.

Bucky clears his throat. “I guess...I dunno.  I feel so responsible for my work, and my team and — but I ‘spose I just gotta learn to say no and push some things off my plate, huh?”

Your lips quirk into a half-smile. “There’s this thing, it’s called ‘delegating jobs’ — it’s really useful. You should try it out some time,” you say, winking mischievously.

Bucky throws his head back and laughs. “I will, sweetie, I will,” he says agreeably. “But yeah, I guess I gotta stop worrying so much about the future and just...live more in the now.”

You hum thoughtfully. “I think it’d be a good idea for you and me both to get into the habit of separating work and personal life. I mean, it’s a bit harder for me, ‘cause I actually work from home, and all, but...basically, when you’re working you’re working, and when you’re at home, you switch off.”

Bucky’s brows furrow together as he processes your words. “So like...are you saying that I should have two ‘modes’?” he asks, air-quotes and all. “Work-Bucky and home-Bucky?”

“Yep,” you say, easily rolling with the engineering analogy he’s thrown at you. “So, when you’re at work, you engage work-Bucky, you’re getting shit done, you’re productive and efficient and whatever. But, when you’re at home, you switch off from all that. You unplug, you chill out, you spend time with your family...you take a break.”

“I like that idea, I really do,” Bucky says slowly, “Actually, Sam’s been saying that I should have a better work-life balance—”

“You should really listen to what Sam says.”

He snorts. “I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just say that,” he says, mock-threateningly. “But seriously, I think I need to be better at sticking to regular office hours and...yeah. When I’m with you, I’m not working, and when I’m at work, I’m...well, working.”

You nod fervently. “Yes! I mean, we can obviously talk about our work when we’re talking about our days, just — there’s a difference between talking about work and actually doing work, y’know? And obviously, there’ll be times when you or I need to pull some overtime to meet a deadline or something, and that’s cool too, just—”

“Avoid it wherever possible?”

You smile brightly. “Exactly.”

—

You feel as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. This talk has been everything you’d hoped for and more.

Why on earth didn’t you do this sooner?

You watch as Bucky gets up from his chair and comes over to sit beside you on the bed. He knocks his shoulder against yours gently. “Are we okay?” he asks hesitantly.

You lean into his side and rest your head on his shoulder, humming quietly. “We’re gonna be okay.”

Bucky tentatively takes your hand in his, lacing your fingers together. You give him an affectionate, reassuring squeeze.

“I’m gonna have a good talk with my team,” he promises, “We’re gonna evaluate the situation, maybe consider taking on more people — we’re gonna sort this shit out. I’m gonna try my damn hardest to be a better husband, honey, ‘cause you deserve one.”

You turn to look at him, into those steely-grey eyes that have become your safe place in the years that you’ve known him.

“I love you,” you breathe, the corners of your lips twitching into a smile.

An exultant grin spreads over his lips. “I love you too,” he murmurs, as he bends down to press his lips to yours.

It’s a languid and luxurious kiss, both of you content to just feel your lips brushing together in the lightest of touches; neither of you are in a hurry to take things further.

You’ve missed this intimacy and closeness, being able to breathe in the familiar scent of Bucky’s cologne and underneath that, his sweat and musk. He pulls you closer, one hand wrapped around your waist, the fingers of his other hand curling around your neck. The position is a little awkward, and at one point, you accidentally elbow him in the ribs, but your heart is soaring and nothing could make this moment more incredible.

When you break away, you rest your forehead against the crook of his neck and sigh contentedly, happy that the worries that have been plaguing you for the last few weeks have finally been resolved.

“D’you need to go back to work?” you ask.

You feel, rather than see him shaking his head. “I took the rest of the day off,” Bucky tells you. “C’mon. Let’s finally go on that date that I’ve been promising you, eh?”

[tarysande]

I'm not sure if this all really makes sense, but I'm trying really hard to participate in nanowrimo this year, because I've been trying to write this story for forever. The problem is is that I always feel like everything I write is stupid and terrible. I've been made fun of my entire life for my little stories I come up with, and so I'm too self conscious to ever ask anyone for their opinion of my writing. I feel like the few I DO ask are just pandering to me. Do you have any advice?

First, it sounds like you need a hug. 

*hug*

Second, I can’t speak to your abilities personally, obviously, because I don’t know who you are, but I can guarantee you that every single writer in the world (or at least a significant number, both published and aspiring) has that voice of doubt in their head at least some of the time. I know I do. Writing is weird. It is simultaneously very personal and very public. It’s a weird mix of ego and terror (”Use your time to read my thing! Omg, maybe the thing is horrible!” Sound familiar?). Of course, it’s hard to put yourself out there. It sounds like you’ve had a particularly rough go, with people making fun of you and disparaging what you do.

Look, those people are jerks. I’m sorry to say it, but there are a lot of jerks out there. Who knows why they’re picking on you, but they are. Maybe they’re jealous because they can’t think up stories on their own. Maybe they’re sad and lashing out because they want other people to feel as sad as they do. Maybe they’re just the kind of jerks who pull wings off flies for fun. The thing is, those jerks? Their stuff is not about you, not really. People who pick on other people are doing it because of their own issues.

Unfortunately, there’s a bit of that in the way our own brains pick on us, too. When you feel like everything you write is stupid and terrible, I suspect there’s other stuff happening under the surface. 

For me, that voice comes out of things like: am I just being a showoff? Why do I think I’m so smart/clever/talented/funny? Look at how other people have already succeeded and I’m just a big lump who can’t put my money where my mouth is. Who do I think I am anyway? Everything is trite or overdone or melodramatic or recycled and why do I even bother?? Ugh, I’m so arrogant and demanding and and and and…

Most of that’s not really about writing. Not really. It’s about growing up an overachiever who got a lot of praise, but, as an adult, isn’t sure that praise was warranted or is afraid that praise was wasted and isn’t going to amount to anything. Weird psychological crap. Brains, man. Can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em.

Look, you wrote some nice clean sentences up there. In the short span of a tumblr ask, you told me a little story. You did! And it made me feel feelings and want to engage with you. And that’s what writing is. Telling stories that engage you (first and foremost) and others. What I’m saying is that I am almost certain, based on one little tumblr ask, that your writing is most definitely not “stupid and terrible.”

(This got real long, whoops!)

Third, and this is a big piece of advice that’s really hard to take, I know: first drafts aren’t about other people. NaNoWriMo is about ugly, messy, blobby, half-formed, half-useless writing full of filler and hopefully some stuff you’ll be able to salvage when it comes time to write a less rushed, more cohesive draft. Trying to write something beautiful (or, frankly, even readable) during NaNo is step one in a recipe for disaster. Writing fast is great to get around the voice in your head (”I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY FINGERS HITTING THE KEYBOARD YOU JERRRRRRK!!!!”) but it’s not great for crafting stuff you want other eyeballs on.

This is the lonely part of writing. And, I think, the part that’s hardest for people used to fanfiction to really get. With fanfic, there’s instant feedback. I write, I post, I write again! (Hopefully with some acknowledgment from your readers in there somewhere.) Writing blobby, ugly, NaNo first drafts is pretty solitary. I mean, say you’re having a baby, right? Would you want people to judge the cuteness (or smartness or funniness) of your baby by looking at the fetus still growing? Of course not! Do you judge the scent or beauty of a flower by its hard little brown seed? Of course not!

NaNo is for planting seeds. Or growing fetuses, I guess. You gotta give that some time before you’re like LOOK AT THIS BABY/FLOWER I GREW. That ultrasound or sprout is just NOT gonna be as interesting for anyone who isn’t you right now.

(Sidebar: don’t get too hung up on NaNo. You’ll make yourself crazy. Numbers are good and progress is good but any words you write are words you didn’t have before. Good job!! Feel proud!!)

Okay, final thing: you need to dig at the root of why you think the people whose opinions you ask for are pandering to you. I mean, it’s unlikely that they are. This is the weird thing: a lot of times we assume people saying nice things are pandering, or exaggerating, or just trying to make us feel better because the voice in our head is saying YOU SUCK YOU’RE TERRIBLE but… they’re probably not. I mean, how often has someone said something just a teeny tiny bit like criticism and we remember it for a thousand years in exquisite detail? All the time, right? We never question mean things or critical things: we assume they must be true because those comments align with that crappy downer voice in our heads. 

Well. Guess what? It’s more likely that the crappy downer voice is a liar than ALL THE PEOPLE who’ve ever said a nice thing or offered a compliment. You know how I know this? Because that crappy downer voice is catastrophic. It’s black and white. It’s extremes. It’s THE END OF THE WORLD IS NIGH!!! on a sandwich board.

Thoughts worth listening to–real thoughts from real people, including the kinder version of your own self–aren’t extreme like that. They aren’t catastrophic.

So, here’s the deal. The next time you hear something, good or bad, about your writing, either from someone else or your own brain, stop. I mean it. Stop. Write it down.

You’re awfully arrogant for a showoffy failure.

Okay. All right.

Then think: Does this sound like something my best friend (or someone who loves you, real or imaginary) would say? Or does this sound like something the sandwich-board-THE END IS NIGH-guy would say?

If it doesn’t sound like your best friend, take a pen, cross it out, hard as you can, even if it rips the paper. Say, “F-you you horrible sandwich-board jerk!! YOU ARE THE WORST AND I DON’T WANT YOU AROUND HERE ANYMORE.”

Then, write something your best friend would say. Actually write it down. Force your hand to write kind words. Surround it with hearts and stars. Really think about it. Really read them. ADD MORE HEARTS. Your best friend would want you to.

And go back to your story because you are the only one who can tell it. The only person in the whole damn world who can tell it. 

It’s a big job, but someone’s got to do it, right?

Better be you.

Okay, wait, one more quick thing before I go. When you do work up the courage to show someone your writing, you can absolutely say, “Hey, I’d love to get your opinion but this is basically a newborn baby, so I can’t handle too much criticism right now. I just want to know if you think the story makes sense, or if it flows, or if the characters are working, etc etc etc.” Heck, you can even say, “I’m not ready for the bad news, doc, so please, just the good for right now.” That is totally okay. And if your potential reader says, “Oh man, I don’t know if I can edit myself right now, because I am just reallllly into constructive criticism!” you can say, “Okie dokie, maybe you can read a later draft.” That is fine too. Take care of yourself first.

Now. Deep breath. It’s okay. You’re okay. Fear and doubt and terror is all part of writing. Wanting to write, feeling like you have a story to tell? That’s half the battle. Asking for advice? Huge step. I believe in you. (You can write that on your piece of paper and surround it with hearts, if you want.)

[bastillefillthesilence]

You weren't overstepping any boundaries!! I appreciate your advice💚 I couldn't even go to school today that's how bad it's gotten. It's relationship stuff. I've realized that I gotta break up with him, but everything is too much. The past, present, and future. All of it will be effected whether I go (or chicken out and stay) (I just wanna point out he's not abusive or anything, but he copes terribly with things and will end up shutting me out and this time was the last time I could handle it)

continuted: And I handle adjusting to things so terribly that this will rip me apart. And idek how he’s gonna react. I’m worried for him. But I know it’s too much for me to handle.

sounds like a stressful situation :/ I think you should take care of yourself first and foremost. It seems you’ve already realized what you need to do. I know this is gonna be hard to do but it needs to be done. It will be rough at first but I’m sure you will feel better in the long run, especially since this seems to be a source of so much stress. Also, if you’re worried about him maybe you could reach out to someone he knows who can check up on him and make sure he’s okay.  You’ve got this! :)

[agent-kentauris]

d148

“Make yourself at home,” he added over his shoulder, just as quickly, and then he was gone down the hallway again.

Interesting, I thought, and then I’m sure I thought something about the mission, but it was mixed up with dreams and darkness and sleep.

Day 13

thought it was still yesterday but apparently its not. everything hurts. sean keeps waking me up every four hours. nothing from westridge

 The next time I woke myself up. Or at least, I thought I had. But the air in the house felt strange, like someone should be yelling but wasn’t.

The fountain was still bubbling. Good. It wasn’t the TV; that wasn’t beeping. Or my phone. Judging by the weak sunlight splayed across the floor, too early for prayers. No car horns or traffic noises outside.

That was it.

There wasn’t enough noise.

And not a single usable weapon anywhere near me.

I was about to have to crawl my way to one, when there came the sound of light footsteps in the hallway, and I went back to feigning sleep.

Someone huffed air out of their nose, and leaned against the back of the couch. Sean Darcy, I thought, and-

“I don’t get it,” he said quietly, sounding more like he was thinking out loud than actually talking. Even in four words, his voice laced with a tension I didn’t understand.

I peeked at him, meant to ask Don’t get what?

“Is that my shirt?” I found myself asking instead.

He crossed his arms, still didn’t look at me. It was mine. Or at least one of the ones Alpha Protocol gave me. Plain white long sleeve, buttons all neatly done. It didn’t fit him very well. Without the padded holsters, his shoulder looked a lot narrower.

“You bled all over mine,” he explained, voice still tense, “and I gotta get through airport security, so-”

“Wait, what?”

“Don’t pretend like you’re gonna miss me, Mikey.”

“You’re leaving? But-”

A hundred questions formed and unformed. Most of them whys.

“Shaheed’s landing tomorrow.”

“Yep,” he said, biting into the word.

“Okay,” I said slowly, “Westridge is upset about the whole ‘backup’ thing. But you’re the closest agent-”

“Actually,” he said, staring up at the ceiling, “you’re the closest agent. And it is your mission.”

“My mission,” I repeated.

He continued to read the ceiling popcorn.

“Uh, Sean? Wanna maybe explain what that means?”

“Whatdya think it means?”

“It sounds like you’re telling me I’m still on this op. That it’s still only me on this op.”

He checked his shoes quickly. They didn’t say anything either.

“That’s not what you’re telling me, though. Right? Because that wouldn’t make sense. That would be…”

Trying to stealth my way through an airport when right now. Getting through any guards Shaheed had. Getting him out alive would be out of the question. Getting to him at all was going to be...

“A bad idea,” I finished. An understatement. A massive fucking understatement.

“Yep,” he said again, a lot softer.

There was the right way to respond to such a thing. I didn’t know what it was, though.

“I don’t get it,” I said.

“Join the club.”

“Did he say anything else?”

“He’ll wanna talk to you himself. I hung up on him. He’ll probably call you back sooner or later.”

“Great.”

A moment passed, then he uncrossed his arms, flipped around. Grasped my shoulder and finally looked at me. His features were curiously blank, pointedly neutral. I didn’t try to read deeper.

“Yancy can’t suspend me, not while Desert Spear is on. He can’t afford to. So I’ll getcha what help I can when I’m back at base. Other than that, I…”

The neutrality looked like it might break for a moment. He bit the inside of his lip while he struggled to find something to say that wasn’t I’m sorry.

I knew the feeling.

I was pretty sorry too, but we had a mission, and if there wasn’t time for indulging in hurt feelings later, well, then there wouldn’t be time for it.

“Westridge wants this mission to succeed,” I reminded him, and he kept eyes that were still full of an apology fastened on mine. “I don’t know why he wouldn’t send you, but if he’s just sending me, then I’m willing to bet he’s got a plan.”

“You sure?” he asked lightly. “Cause this bet could cost you a little more than lunch money.”

“You make a habit of betting against me,” I told him, the smile coming naturally, “we’re not gonna be friends for very long.”

I went to help his hand off my shoulder, but the moment I touched it, he laced his fingers around mine and squeezed.

“Do us both a favor,” he advised, “and make sure you do win this one.”

Then the untangled his hand, pointed a thumb over his shoulder.

“Now, I really gotta run. Not lookin’ to lose my job today. I’ll walk myself out,” he said, and didn’t look back.

Which was good. I didn’t need him watching me mouth French curses at the ceiling fan.

Day 13.5

So.

I need to be more careful what I wish for. I wanted action and now I’ve got it. The trick is surviving the action. I’d be lying if I said I had a plan to do that yet.

Sean was busy this morning. Or yesterday night. Whichever it was. Did some rough analysis on some of the bug transcripts. Stuff about the guard’s schedules, dynamics, useful. As useful as it can be, given that I’m going to be hopping around, basically. The place is huge. He also sketched out a bunch of possible approaches for the mission tomorrow. They were pretty good. Would have been better if he hadn’t kept pointing that out in the margins. Mina, of course, disagreed with all his suggestions. She was on comms with me for most the day, working. She offered to monitor communications and keep in touch with the Europe team, make sure my stunt at the airport isn’t going to fuck them up. Or impact Shaheed’s arrival.

Soon as Sean got back to base, he joined Mina and I. Called us both idiots, me for trying to scale cliffs to get into the airport on the first go round, Mina for letting me. He’s got – again with this guy – a contact at the airport who will turn a blind eye to an extra passenger in the back of a supply truck. Good, cause walking in was going to hurt. I…could probably do it. I mean, I’m going to have to hike around, a little.

Mina had to get to work on the data a little while ago. She and Parker have gotten the sole responsibility of analyzing it. Not going to be until much later tonight before we get anything substantial from them. Sean’s pissed about being cut out of the loop. Honestly, I am too. It’s not like I want to do analysis, but I’ve only got until tomorrow evening to get a handle on this situation. And if there was any day for being stuck inside doing analysis, it was today.

Waiting for the data is killing me. Not enough time to do anything else big. Too much time to keep going over the small stuff. I’ve checked leads on Clearinghouse some five times today. I know Shaheed’s dossier back and forth.

Might as well get some sleep. If my PDA doesn’t wake me up with news, the damn TV will.

 Day 14

T-minus about six hours. Parker’s still going through what data we have – apparently, he’s also very annoyed about the quantity. Mina’s exact word was “crabby”. We’ve gotten some mission-valuable intel. First and foremost, the missiles are going to be at the airport, with Shaheed. Downside – we have no idea where specifically. Somewhere. The precise location, that’s one of those documents we missed, and since Parker can’t call me himself (why?) to complain, he’s taking it out on Mina.

I asked her to remind Parker it was either the documents, or two agents. I’m not actually sure which he’ll find more important, now that I think about it.

Anyway, the missiles are going to be there. Hell, they might have already arrived.

Second…

Second…

We know…

Okay, there’s no good way to spin this. We’re flying blind, in their home turf. They have the numbers; we have me, and I’m not exactly at my best right now. We can’t afford to lose; they can.

The Greybox is working on getting better satellite imagery of the area.

If I pull this off – when I pull this off – I’m going to sleep for a week. And next time I decide I wanna be out in the field, gonna think twice. Think twice, and then do it anyway.

Westridge had better have a better grasp on this situation than I do.