#thing i would just accept cuz i heard that a Lot back then :) they came to my city to hang out with me but

[basslinegrave]

yeah i do forget that july is pride month here ig like im so separated from local community i dont even go to any events or meetups or stuff

but my excuse is my prior experiences with local lgbt ppl have been bad but they were all teens and i havent met any adults yet but those are normies (not in a negative way, but in the way that im childish and in fandoms while they have normal jobs and stuff, what would we talk about?)

like after ive been hurt so badly i havent gone out with anyone after (in short, made a gay friend, we agreed to go out - just us two, they let me wait for Hours, then came with a friend of theirs and took me to a place with 10 more people they were meeting up with, i accepted my fate cuz yay more queers ig?, we then all moved to another place with Even More people, this is finally when they decided to notice im there, they introduced me to everyone in the room with my fucking deadname. i was so fucking pissed.

i still blame myself for telling them my deadname but at that time i didnt have a chosen name yet and went by a nickname which was shortened version of my deadname so they would know sooner or later

i was also the only person that was 18 there and they all decided to drink and shit and someone was talking about calling the cops. being the only adult there if they actually came while i was still there, id be the one who would be in charge. i just left after a while cuz nobody even wanted to talk to me)

what hurt even most was there was a young trans boy and the person that i was meeting up with was like omg this is my little guy hes like my lil bro so obvs they have trans friends they just didnt respect me i hope the boy is doing well now and that he wasnt fucked over by them. im glad i dont remember their name now cuz i would be nosy and look them up if karma ate them yet

[yanderecrazysie]

Oikawa dating a reader who's more popular than him, like she's a new young rising celebrity. At first things were perfect, they love each other, he doesn't have to worry about her getting harassed by his fangirls cuz they love her to, and they're one hot couple. But everything changed, when the fanboys attacked. They were not happy to see her happy with another guy. Especially since in their eyes, he's just some random highschool volleyball player.

It got so bad, that reader broke up with him to protect him from possibly getting harrassed in real life. But ofcourse as yanderes do, he won't accept things ending this way.

This has an ambiguous ending which can be seen as death or kidnapping, whichever you prefer. I really enjoyed writing it!

Title: Protect

Pairings: Oikawa Tooru x Reader

WARNINGS: Yandere themes, physical violence (all characters are 18 in their final year of high school)

Summary: All you wanted to do was protect him.

protect

/verb/

keep safe from harm or injury:

As the whistle blew, sounding another Aoba Johsai victory, Oikawa Tooru raised his hand and waved to the stands. The girls high above squealed, but you knew that he was waving at only one person. You.

If the cameras weren’t flashing for the victory, they sure were snapping a million pictures a minute when you ran into his arms off the court. A popular volleyball player was an article, but a popular volleyball player dating a famous actress? That was a story.

“(Y/n) (L/n)! What a surprise to see you at the game this evening!” a reporter, sensing some seriously big news on her hands, shoved a microphone in your face, “And so close to the captain of Seijoh!”

You exchanged a look with Oikawa and he gave you an imperceptible nod. “He’s my boyfriend,” you answered with a smile.

The reporter’s eyes shone like the stars, practically shaking in excitement, “And how long has the happy couple been together?”

Before you could answer, Oikawa’s fangirls came running over, squealing at the sight of you two together. It wasn’t news to the school that the two of you were an item- in fact, it was a wonder that the news hadn’t already leaked.

“(Y/n)-chan! Over here!” one of the girls shrieked, waving enthusiastically with one hand as the other clutched a poster with Oikawa’s name on it. You waved back and giggled a little at her enthusiasm. 

“I love you both!” another girl screamed, raising her own “Go, Seijoh, Go!” poster in the air. 

Oikawa took your hand in his and squeezed. You smiled gratefully at him as he leaned closer, his breath tickling your ear.

“You ready, my precious star?” he whispered.

“Always,” you whispered back playfully.

Life was perfect.

—----------------------------------------------------

Perfection has a way of crumbling. 

Everything is wonderful until the cracks start to show and spiderweb across the fragile glass of perfection. 

Oikawa’s fangirls had accepted you with open arms, but your fanboys were outraged at the news that you had a boyfriend. Some were mad that you were taken, but a lot thought you could do better than a volleyball-playing pretty boy.

(Y/n)-chan deserves better than some flatass.

Dump the loser, (Y/n)-chan!

She would be wayyyy better off with one of her co-stars and not some nobody.

He’s using you, (Y/n)-chan!

Oikawa seemed to deflate more and more as the days went on. You caught him scrolling through hate comments on more than one occasion. But it wasn’t until you caught him nursing a bloody nose and black eye that you realized that he wasn’t safe as long as he was with you.

“Tooru, we need to talk.”

The setting sun cast long shadows over Oikawa’s downturned face. 

You fought back tears as your gaze fell on the damage done to his face by the fans that had recognized him in the street. You needed to do this… for his protection.

“We need to break up.” Your voice was a hushed whisper and cracks in the middle, but he heard you all the same. His head snapped up and his eyes went wide.

“What? Why?” he demanded, a hint of panic in his voice.

“All the hate and harassment you’re getting… it’s because of me. And… I can’t take it. I can’t watch them hurt you any longer. I’ll just announce that we’ve broken up and your life will go back to normal.”

“No no no no no, we can handle this together,” Oikawa protested, suddenly grabbing you by the shoulders, “You can’t leave me!”

“I need to!” you replied, a tear slipping down your cheek, “I can’t let you get hurt on my account. We can’t be together anymore, okay?”

“Or…” Oikawa’s tone dropped several levels and his gaze became more intense. Suddenly, the man you knew was gone, replaced by something devoid of all emotion. His hands tightened on your shoulders until it began to hurt.

“Tooru?”

“Or you could just… disappear. The whole world will wonder why you went missing and, after they clear me of suspicion, the world will move on,” Oikawa smiled down at you with a grin so twisted that you could barely believe it belonged to him, “Don’t worry, my little star, I’ll never forget about you.”

[cyyfics]

————————-

Guilty Desperation

Pairing: !Simon Petrikov x GN! Reader

Warning: NSFW! At the end.

Synopsis: Simon, disheveled and manic calls you on the phone asking if he can come over to talk. You didn’t think it would end like this, but you aren’t complaining!

Pronoun stuff: mainly GN, I think the nsfw part is ALSO pretty good at being GN?? If not Lemme know

Note: also guys if I ever reuse the same gif just ignore that cuz there’s not a lot (•__•)

————————

SFW part

You were doing your normal everyday things, sitting around at your kitchen island sipping from the mug in your hand when you suddenly got a phone call. It wasn’t exactly a good time to be getting a phone call, it was early in the morning and not even the roosters were awake. In fact, despite being morning, it was still eerily dark and chilling outside. You wouldn’t wanna be out at this time of night, that’s for sure.

You picked up your phone hesitantly, eyes scrunched as you tried to figure out who’d be calling you at this late hour and to no one’s surprise, it was Simon Petrikov. You had adapted this lovely friendship with this man for a couple months now, you’d maybe even go as far as to say that the two of you are best friends. “simon? what’re you doing up this late, and why’re you calling me?” your tone didn’t show much concern for the poor man at first.

“I’m sorry, Y/n, I know it’s late.”

You can hear him let out a deep sigh before talking again “do you think I could come over to see you? i- i don’t feel so good r’ now.” he slightly slurred on his words as he spoke on the phone, on most days you’d have thought it was from the drinking but on the phone today it sounded more like he was just tired.

“Sure, whatever you need. I don’t mind.”

You said that as if you weren’t secretly hoping when he had called you that he wanted to come and see you, you didn’t wanna admit to yourself that you liked that man than you wanted to, but it wasn’t hard to see especially with the way you cheered silently after accepting his request.

“Thanks Y/n, just ‘need to see you.” Simon can be heard rustling around a little, and you thought maybe he was walking somewhere. “How long will you be? Should I come get you?” You were a bit worried for him at this time of night, especially with the light fog in the air outside. “I’ll be fine, should only be about a minute or two.” He said to you before you heard a little more rustling.

“Simon, you live maybe thirty minutes away from me. How do you expect to be here that quickly?” You jokingly asked him, twirling a piece of hair around your finger. You didn’t expect the answer you got. “… started walking early, was just hoping you’d be awake.” It had definitely surprised you, you furrowed your eyebrows as you spoke into your phone.

“..really?” You asked with slight disbelief, “yes.. what’s so hard to believe about that?” Simon asked from the other end of the phone “but what if I wasn’t awake??” You questioned the poor man “would’ve waited ‘til you woke up.” Simon answered back. Then he hung up. You were about to call him back and asked why he did that before hearing a knock at your door.

You swung the door open and was met with Simon, the old man looking disheveled and worn out. You took him inside, helping him through the door way as he stumbled a little. “Simon, what’s wrong? You drink too much or something?” You asked him, hands worriedly grasped onto his shoulders. “Didn’t even touch a drop tonight, Y/n, had too much to think about.”

Simon walked past you, making his way to flip onto your couch, face pressed against the cushions. “What’s wrong? Clearly something is up.” You stood by the doorway, crossing your arms and giving the man a certain concerned look. “It’s just- Betty.” Simon let out a huff, he had often came over venting about missing her and stuff so it wasn’t new information for you.

“I understand, you miss her-“ you came up to him to put a comforting hand on his shoulder but he placed a hand on your wrist to halt you for a moment- before letting you. “It- it’s not that.” He lets out a deep sigh before holding onto his head “that’s the thing. It’s not that.” He sounded upset, you were worried for him.

You sat beside him on the couch as he sat up, slowly placing your head on his shoulder to hopefully provide some comfort. “Talk to me.” You encouraged him, moving your hand down to grab at his hand. Squeezing it slightly to comfort him, he sighed before reluctantly giving in and curling his fingers to intertwine with yours.

“I just- I think- no. I know. I like someone else now, but I feel guilty because of Betty.” Simon didn’t like admitting it at all, and you couldn’t blame him one bit. You frowned before wrapping your arms around him, pulling him into a hug. Simon didn’t hug you back, but he found comfort in your warmth, resting his head on your shoulder as you hugged him.

“Who-“ he cut you off.

“You.”

“Me?”

“Yes, you. Always been you.” Simon’s voice grew quiet at the end there and it sounded like he was about to cry. You used one of your arms to move up and pet his head with your hand, brushing your fingers through his hair. “I like you too.” You whispered back to him, the air suddenly becoming stagnant.

There was a pause in time as he slowly lifted his head up to look at you, his eyes searching you for any sign of doubt. Like maybe you were just saying that to make him feel better. But he didn’t find any, instead he found you looking at him with eyes full of such love and admiration for him. How had he not seen that look before?

Simon moved his hands up to clutch at your shoulders, pulling you into a hug against him. “I wanna be yours, Simon.” You didn’t wanna say it but you couldn’t help it as it left your mouth, “I do too. But- Betty.” Simon looked to the side as he thought about her guiltily. “Simon, I understand. And you don’t have to rush into anything-“ he cut you off yet again.

“And what if I want to? What if I wanna rush into things with you? Do everything I’ve ever wanted to with you? Take you places, live a whole life with you-“ Simon found himself rambling as he held onto you a little tighter, before softening a little and melting into your arms.

You held him a little closer, “you don’t have to feel guilty Simon, but if you need time..” you started to say “that’s the thing. I don’t have enough time in the world to be without you, I feel so guilty but time and life are constantly fleeting- I wanna be together with you.” Simon started to get teary eyed.

“I want that too.” You spoke up “then say yes. Say you’ll be with me, please.” Simon grabbed at your face gently, making you look up at him. “Yes. Yes, I’ll be together with you.” You couldn’t even control yourself, earlier that day you were fighting your own feelings for him, and now you were literally dating him.

NSFW STARTS NOW

NSFW warnings: humping/rutting idk, I think that’s all that has to go here??

Simon and you looked at each other for a moment, feeling the static in the air. It was like something just sparked in the two of you. Simon leaned down and kissed you, his lips pressed up against yours. They felt slightly chapped, like maybe they’d gotten dry from the cold outside or something.

As he was about to pull away you found yourself grabbing onto his collar, pulling him right back to your lips. Simon was surprised but leaned into your very eager touch, his lips up against yours again. The two of you began to then switch up the intensity, kissing him life your life depended on it. Your hands moved from his collar to tangle in his hair, ripping a soft groan from Simon as the two of you kissed.

Not long after that action, you had felt something uncomfortable pressing up against your hip, you didn’t wanna pull away from the kiss so all you did was slip your hand down to figure out what it was. Simon let out a quiet moan as your hand had evidently brushed over his crotch, so that’s what was rubbing up against you.

Simon desperately pulled you back in for another kiss, his tongue slipping past your lips as his hips rutted slowly against your hand looking for some friction. You didn’t mind giving it to him but at that point you wanted some too, moving your hand away so you could then press yourself up against his hardened crotch.

Your clothed front rubbed up against his, stimulating both of you guys at the same time. It felt messy, it felt hot and slightly uncomfortable, the two of you felt just like silly hormonal teenagers in that moment. Neither of you could stop, desperate hands clinging to each other.

Simons hand grabbed at your waist, pulling you closer as his length rubbed against your sensitive crotch. You were both moaning, kissing each other deeply, not caring about the messiness the two of you were making from the saliva all over each of your mouths and chins.

Eventually Simon ended up cumming first, but his eager self didn’t stop. It felt overstimulating for him but he still wanted to make you feel good too, and not long after you ended up falling apart in his arms too. You let out a soft cry as you came in your pants, the both of you having made an annoying mess. “Damn, now my pants are soiled..” Simon hissed out, hands on his hips as he inspected his now soaked through pants.

“Then take them off.”

[robby-bobby-tommy]

Well, it's time for my hcs. (Mostly UM and KO)

Ultra Magnus has a terrible CPTSD. Sometimes he hears a plane and immediately transforms his hands into blasters. When he talks to someone he tries to continue the dialogue, but all his attention goes to figuring out the location of the enemy. (+ he has bad sleep schedule)

I'M also has a terrible case of 'bad things happen to bots when I leave them'. He doesn't like staying away from the battle, because he cares very much for his new found family. He isn't afraid of dying for the cause, but he doesn't want to lose anyone.

At the free time he has helped some Autobots make their battle skills better. Like he spared with Miko in Apex armor so she could practice her punches and also had classes for medics (Ratchet and KO). They didn't have blasters, which is disadvantage, but they figured out the way to fight almost as good as others.

Speaking of KO. He wasn't very welcomed at team at first, so he was watched very closely. Yet sooner or later they've warmed up to him. KO was a bit afraid at first, but seeing that they meant no harm, he came back to his sassy attitude.

Also KO has some appreciation problems. When he was a decepticon he had to earn the respect and after Shockwave came along he felt very replaceable. He wasn't thanked for his work half as much as he should. So when Ratchet thanked KO in 3 season he genuinely said "you're welcome".

But the moment he felt he was accepted into team prime was when OP didn't let him on some mission. It went like "Why can't I join?", "Knock Out, comrade, you aren't in need of another warrior, yet we may use the help of a second medic." "We can't just lose medics around. Too important." Ratchet adds. After like the whole team nods. And KO felt so appreciated

After that he became very close to Team Prime and (if they stayed on earth) to kids. When some bully is rude to Jack, KO would let Darby drive himself in school just to show off. He'd watch horrors with Miko, and even tell some interesting stuff abt Cybertronian culture, organism ect to Raf

Also he'd race with Bee and Smokescreen, but he is hella competitive. Like this scene in Avatar The Last Airbender, where Azula plays volleyball. "You'll never rise from the ashes of humiliation!" "Dude... It's not that deep bro.."

Oh, and he'd be very awkward with Smokey cuz like... He tried to open him up. But Smokey doesn't mind it, saying that they're even after he put KO in the wall

The other very strange relationship he has with Bulkhead. It's because of Breakdown. Bulkhead hated him and, as we all know, KO was in a relationship with him. Bulk ofc doesn't hold anything against KO for his relationship, yet they'd have a lot of different opinions on BD. They would talk a lot, finding out more about BD's past

And boy oh boy he had a wild one. Him and Bulkhead were born in the same class. They were builders, as Bulkhead said 'I can build stuff, I can break stuff. That's all.' Yet both of them wanted to do more good in the world, so they joined the Wreckers (before the war it was a gang that helped everyone in need and protected the weak), where they've met. Bulk and BD quickly became brothers in arms but the war seperated them

Once BD heard a broadcast of Megatron's ideas of reforming Cybertron and became a great supporter. He joined the decepticons cuz he thought it was his chance to make the world better. He was so blinded by Meg's promises that he thought this crimes were justified. Bulkhead was more observant, and felt something shady and was grossed out by bombings. But the thing that brought them apart and made them enemies was BD's betrayal. Early in the war Megatron was merciless and Wreckers mostly opposed him. Breakdown pledge allegiance to Megan. He wanted whole gang to join, but they refused and Big M wanted to destroy them all. Breakdown told the location of their hideout, and when Wreckers met there, they were greeted by pistols. It was a big fight, some lives were lost. After that BD went with Decepticons and Bulkhead with the Autobots. Now Bulk hated BD for his betrayal

KO never knew abt that cuz he met BD later. Knock Out was a doctor in one of the neutral cities, that were captured by Decepticons early in the war, and decided to join the "winning team" Just to survive

After all the talks Bulkhead started to respect KO more

Knock Out, Bee and Smokey regularly forcing the gang to go to the drive in theaters.

Arcee, June and Miko have a girls nights where they judge everyone

OP and UM are very close. To the point they're mistaken for brothers (they call each other that in private)

Ultra Magnus doesn't like to show affection in public, so when someone wants to hug him or smt like that, they always ask him to another room. Like after OP came back in season 3, Optimus said smt like "Ultra Magnus, old friend, for a word". And then they are just hugging in another room

Optiratch. Just them. Married. Conjux endura. That's all

Megatron, Soundwave and Shockwave are mean girls.

Megasound cuz you can't stop me. And Shocky just third wheeling his spark out.

Shockwave actually started to like Starscream when they were left on earth.

Agent Fowler and June dating, cuz they both deserve better

KO, Arcee and Ratchet form a widow club after the film.

KO and Arcee beat Arachnid's aft together.

That's all for now.

[gatorbites-imagines]

Can I request Guzma with a stoic CisMale S/O with a Centiskortch? I love your stuff and your writing style :)

Guzma x male reader

Hope your okay with me making the reader a team, I just really like making them ^^

I made reader a fire and bug type user :) He’s also at least the same height and build as Guzma or bigger, cuz I think the reader hovering over his shoulder is cool.

Heres the team I made, I used a card maker and just inserted a character as a placeholder ^^

It was raining across Po town as always, the water pelting down across the rooftop of the large mansion Team Skull used as a base. It had been extra gloomy that day, and everyone on the team seemed in a lower mood than usual. None of the teams’ plans had gone as planned, many grunts had been beaten in battle and some had even had to flee as their families came for them.

It was no secret that a lot of team skulls members were people who weren’t accepted by their families, outsiders, the black mareep of the family. The same thing could be said about Team Skulls boss Guzma, the outsider of outsiders of his generation.

He sat upon his throne, chin his hand as Golisopod wandered out the room, chittering and making other bug like noises as it wandered around. Vikavolt and Masquerain were sitting on the bedframe of the large bed in the room, making noises at one another as they spoke.

Bug pokemon were the one thing that had helped a young lonesome Guzma many years ago, back when everyone avoided him and his fathers expectations became too heavy. After meeting Wimpod Guzma was still as much of an outsider as ever, but at least he had a friend. He was still bullied and looked down upon, but when Golisopod finally evolved, the bullies didn’t dare come near him as long as the large armored pokemon watched over him.

Guzma had accepted he would be alone forever, or as long as he was stuck on Alola. But then he had met Plumeria and a couple of the first grunts that would later make up Team Skull. They had all not fit into what society wanted them to be, and they found a friendship with one another.

They were stilled targeted by less than kind people, but they always stuck together as best as they could so no one was left alone. This was when Guzma met who would later become his boyfriend. One of the grunts had been alone, a bug using grunt on top of that. Their Cutiefly had posed by challenge to the bullies pokemon.

As the bullies had started to close in on the grunt, a loud hissed noise was heard before a long glowing body dragged itself between the bullies and their target. The large body twisted, and flames blasted from its face as it turned its angered eyes on the bullies. It hissed again as the bullies stood frozen, and it only seemed to somewhat relax as its owner approached.

The bullies turned as the pokemon they had never seemed hissed in the new persons direction, though this sound was much less threatening. There stood a tall man, with a calm or almost bored expression, his eyes tracking over the situation. The Grunt on the floor with a face wet from tears, being protected by his Centiskortch who had jumped from its pokeball, and the group of bullies.

(Y/N)s eyes turned cold as he stared down at the bullies, a displeased tone in his voice as he demanded an answer to what they thought they were doing. The bullies tried to come up with an excuse, and when that didn’t seem to have any effect on the man, they tried to explain how the grunt deserved to be bullied, and how pathetic the grunt was for using bug types.

The man had no facial reaction as he stepped in front of the grunt as he pulled a quickball from his belt, tossing it into the air and releasing a pokemon. It was clear it was a bug type, the new pokemon placing itself between the man and the bullies, releasing growls and chitters at them and their pokemon.  Centiskortch had quickly pushed itself to the front as well, its flames large and enraged.

The bullies didn’t back down though, their pride too powerful as they made their pokemon attack. That was when Guzma and Plumeria arrived, their eyes wide as they watched the man’s two pokemon completely wipe the floor with the bullies teams. The bullies had cursed him out when they lost, but the stoic expression on his face and in his voice had them running away.

(Y/N) had turned and crouched down to the grunt and helped them to their feet, he also offered to heal their pokemon for them. The two fire-bug types had stayed outside of their pokeballs, both ready if the bullies should return. That’s when the two leaders of Team Skull stepped in, and one thing led to another and (Y/N) decided to join the team, at least somewhat.

Guzma learned that the man was a traveler, had had traveled across many countries, had met and battled many people, and that Alola was his last stop. They had bonded over their love for bug types, and Guzma had been so excited to meet pokemon from outside of Alola. The leader of Team Skull hadn’t planned on developing feelings but it just happened, and one thing led to another and he ended up confessing on accident, and right when he was scared (Y/N) was gonna reject him, the usually stoic man had smiled a very tiny and careful smile as he confessed he felt the same way.

As if summoned by the thoughts, (Y/N) stepped in through the doors of Guzmas room, his Scizor following close behind him, his Alolan Marowak not far behind, both carrying large sacks with them. (Y/N) was carrying another large sack over his shoulder as well. He stopped in front of Guzma, his expression as stoic as always, but there was a faint glint in his eyes that meant he was excited about something.

“Whats up babe?” Guzma asked, still leaning on his hand, trying to ignore Vikavolt who had flown over to his chair and was nudging against his hand for pets. That’s when the tiny barely noticeable smile pulled onto (Y/N)s lips and he plopped the sack down at his feet, the fabric pulling open and z-crystals pouring out. Bug z-crystals.

Guzmas jaw dropped as the two pokemon following the man dropped their sacks as well, exposing even more crystals. It had to be all the crystals on the island there were so many, the Team Skull boss didn’t know how to react as his felt a grin grow on his face. Of course his handsome and strong boyfriend would be able to do something like this, why was he even surprised.

Guzma chuckled softly as he got to his feet, stepping over the many crystals as he leant in a kissed (Y/N), the other mans hands coming up to rest on Guzmas hips as he pulled him closer. They both ignored the sound of (Y/N)s pokeballs snapping open and releasing all his pokemon, the room becoming slightly cramped at all the pokemon in it alongside the two men.

That’s when they felt something coil around their bodies, the warm length of the body and the hissy noises it made as if laughing immediately let them know it was (Y/N)s first pokemon and trusted friend, Centiskortch. The bug-fire pokemon seemed to snicker at them as Guzma squaked at the action, but (Y/N) just rolled his eyes and leant down to kiss Guzma again.

Centiskortch got itself into a comfortable position around its trainer and its trainer’s partner, holding the two humans close as the pokemon decided to take a short nap. Guzma rested his head against (Y/N)s shoulder and released a sigh he didn’t know he was holding, maybe it wasn’t so bad as long as the stoic man was with him, he was sure tomorrow would be better.

[ziminy]

Nightshift pt. 1

Having them as roommates was a problem

Tags: mdni, college au, f!reader , explicit language, a little bit of misunderstandings here and there for the plot, everyone is pretty dumb, inexperienced!reader, size difference, they toy with you the way they want, fingering, thigh fucking, both Geto and Gojo are playboys (cuz I want so) , idk I'll add it later if I missed something

Author's note: bro, I started writing this thinking it would be a small ff. I was giggling and kicking my feet and then I woke up 10k words in and I was like, nahh, gotta make this into a series. So enjoy reading this just as much as I enjoyed writing it😘

Update: I re wrote this a little, just made some small changes here and there.

6k words(I thought there were more)

Masterlist part 2

Gojo Satoru had all kind of connections. He basically knew everyone in the campus at this point, the campus you shared and many others. And who could blame him? People liked him. It wouldn't be surprising if someone goes at him for anything. That's how he wakes up in someone else business most of the time, it all starts with a small favor, and then he finds out its not that small as he thought it would be. And yet he still does it again and again. He's an idiot, isn't he?

Who could blame him. No one was in their right minds anymore these days. But an idiot will always remain an idiot. And so, he woke up helping someone again. A friend you happen to have in common came to him, asking if he knows any place available to stay at. And the idiot went around asking about it, only to find up things about you. Like what kind of person you are, how people viewed you, how you got in the situation of moving out. You were a quiet person, or that's what some people said. Other said how it was so fun to have you around. You were non problematic, or hat's how he liked to see it. You were a peaceful person who just happened to be in an unfortunate situation.

He would usually say no, but he met you in person. You looked tired, and small compared to him, you looked like you bearly got any sleep these days. He lives in a big house, doesn't he? It's not like he needs new people in there, the quietness was enough for him. He also clearly don't need any money from you especially. If you can't afford sleep, would you be able to afford a place to stay in?

And somehow you woke up moving into his house. After a lot of talking about it with him, just making sure you heard what you heard right you finally made a decision. Sure, he doesn't seems bad, so why not accepting.

Everything was so peaceful at first. He said he won't be there most of the times. Him and the unexpected housemate you found there were out almost all day. And when they were back everyone seems to be so careful around each other. No one makes fast moves and it seems that you adapted to that life there rather quick. Everything was like a dream, or that what it seemed like. Until you heard a rather nasty rumor about your so called housemates. Animals in heat, that's how you can call them without saying a bad word.

You can't see it. You just can't see it. Your roommates were two regular guys. Sure, one was ridiculously rich, but he was fine. Maybe a little childish. And the other guy was just so down on earth. That guy was softer than your damn pillow. The way he talks was definitely telling you that the rumors are fake. Defamation. This got to be defamation. I mean, no matter how much you think about it you can't see these guys as some fuckers who are.. Well.. Doing what the name says. Fucks.

But you couldn't help but listen to those false allegations. The nights they weren't home they were supposed to be partying somewhere until they leave with a girl. You never saw anyone bringing anything home. So where were they? Do they like spending times in hotels instead of their own house? And that's when you find out they almost never brings girls home because they go to ladies houses.

Everything you heard was true. It's an unwritten rule that they don't like to see strangers on their beds. So that means they spend the night there? No, they always come back no matter what. Fooling in someone else bed was alright, but staying the night was a no no. All those rumors made you think. What was so special about them? And so, you started to observe them whenever you could. It was like an small experiment in your head, it meant literally nothing more. It made you think about the situation. Were they really not as you see it?

Without even realizing you got out the room at the same time they were at home. When they were in the kitchen, you happen to be there, nothing happened that just a few words exchanged , small talk. However, it was bothering them.

They really don't understand why you're looking like that at them. No, they're actually full aware of the look in your eyes. It's was something they saw so many times, yet it was more. It wasn't just horniness, it wasn't that lust they're so familiar with. It was curiosity. You don't even have to say a word because it was clearly written on your face. Yet they don't want to admit that it was just something innocent. Both of them agreed mentally that you want them. It wasn't sure which one but it was clearly you wanted something from one of them. They were the horny ones. Your eyes studying them so openly, no thoughts behind it, no shame. They were indeed animals in heat, because they just couldn't keep it to themselves. And just like always, they were willing to give you whatever you want. That if you finally say something, do a move yourself. Not just looking and that's it.

"Y/N." you moved your eyes on who ever was calling your name, none other than your landlord. "Did something happened?" to him it seemed like you had something to say but you were to shy to say it. He was more than happy to give you a little push, help you to finally say something.

"Mno..?" he gulped, you looked right into his eyes. The looks you kept giving earlier wasn't helping either. He only heard stuff about how you were shy and you didn't go much out. Your friends don't even remember the last time you went on a date, that if you ever went on a date. "Ohh." you're reaction made both of them move their eyes straight on you. You finally was going to say it? "I apologize." you laughed. "I heard something and I wanted to see it myself." you had a sweet smile on you face, it really didn't look like you were undressing them in your mind. You were curious. And if you have the answers right in front of you, wouldn't you want to know what is actually happening?

"Rumors?" the dark haired guy sat down at the table you were sitting with a cup of coffee in his hand.

"Mhhmm." you nodded.

"Are you that interested in what other people say?" you shook your head.

"Not at all." you got up from your chair. "Sorry for making you concerned." and so, you went to your room. You can't figure out what's in their head, and they can't figure what's in yours. There were a lot of rumors about them, most of them being true, but you could never know. You haven't heard anything about your name yet, so maybe people don't even know you live there to begin with. Which is good. The last thing you want is someone disturbing your peace.

What you should have put in calculation was the two demons outside your door. Gojo only let you stay because he was interested in you, the other guy just started to feel a little curious. When they tried to show that they know you're watching, you did nothing more than continue to watch them further. You would look them right in the eyes like you did nothing shameless. And the answer you gave them was so vague that they're now asking for more. It's not like they disliked you there next to them, just looking at them and doing nothing more. It's that it made their imagination go wild.

You bearly went out if it wasn't for school. And up until not so long ago you wouldn't even get out the room when they were home. It was so quiet in there that they forgot about you. That until you got in that kitchen, you're steps were so carefully placed on the floor, the way you would walk around the table and sit at a spot they would have never guessed it was yours in the first place. It became like a routine to see you there in the morning, since that was the time of the day where they would be at home. Oh, but now you stopped. When they're awake you're sleeping safe and sound. Maybe they should have let you do your thing. Of course they would have answered whatever question you might had, but what they don't know is the thoughts you were thinking of. The way you would just smile like you didn't thought about what the hell they were doing when they were out.

You were just curious. And you're happy they finally said something, so that way you could stop looking for whatever you were looking. They're not happy tho. It's been a week since they didn't seen you even breathing around them. Everyone was tired. That's why they started coming home earlier. Which turned into an unfortunate event.

Stressed, everyone was stressed. And you became even stressed when you woke up in the middle of the night hearing noises. Was someone in pain? Did someone needed help? Then you woke up and realizing what is actually happening. The sounds you heard weren't from pain, they were moans, and bed moving. They weren't your moans, they didn't sounded like male moans. It was definitely a woman. You sighed as you went back to sleep, ready to complain about it tomorrow to your housemates.

You were so eager to complain about what happened. The moment you got in the kitchen you sat down next to the dark haired guy. "Suguru, have you heard that last night?" you sighed, yet you were thrilled to continue complaining. "Honestly, can't the neighbors chill?" you wanted to hear him agreeing with you, yet he didn't.

"It wasn't the neighbors." huh? Now you were confused.

"What do you mean?" you both looked at the person who just entered the kitchen. You looked at the guy next to you with big eyes when you realized what actually happened, you stood there bamboozled. He only nodded, like he could read you mind. He knew exactly what you were thinking of. "No way.." a hand was placed over your mouth to show how shocked you were. "I'm sorry! I didn't know!" you exclaimed as you ran from there to your room. So those rumors were true? But you could have never guessed. I mean, weren't they in some kind of mafia or something? Why else would they be out all the times if they weren't working? But didn't people said they don't get girls home? Then was that his girlfriend? What about all those shameful things you thought of? You have to apologize to his girl.

The next morning you got out your room and shyly went into the kitchen. Moving carefully and biting your lower lip, you sat down next to your landlord at the big table that was placed in the kitchen. You looked at him, then at your hands while you kept playing with your fingers. The other guy looked amused. He could only guess why you're acting like that, but he probably knows exactly what you wanted to say. The white haired guy keep moving his eyes from his phone to you. Was this a deja vu? Or perhaps not. This feels like it happened before yet so different at the same time. You looked only at him, you sat next to him, and the other guy seems to find it funny. Clearly, something happened that he's not aware of. He's a little angry now. How can he be left out? Especially when you don't even do much besides coming into the kitchen for a few minutes then run away from there. "Something happened?" this was definitely a deja vu. The same thing, same words, yet it felt so different.

"I'm sorry.." so something did happened? What could be so bad that you got to act like this? You weren't in this situation when you got caught for staring at them shamefully.

"Huh?"

"I know it wasn't my business.. I should have probably shut up.. But please listen to me first." the guy that was sitting not so far from you was laughing his ass off. This was pure gold, comedy in its purest form. He couldn't stop you even if he wanted to. After all, you had to find things out yourself, and he didn't plan to give you any information. "I really didn't know. I wouldn't had said anything if I knew she was your girlfriend." now that was a twist that made even the hyena stop laughing. Now everyone was interested in what happened.

"What do you mean by my girlfriend?" your landlord was mad that someone is out there pretending to be his girlfriend. He might change girlfriends frequently, but at the moment he was single. So who would dare to present themselves as his girl?

"I heard that you don't get girls home unless it's someone important." never in their life have they bought someone home since you moved in there.

"I didn't bring anyone in here?" everyone was confused. No one didn't know what to say.

"The other day you came back with someone, right? I just wanted to apologize because I didn't know it was you. I thought it was the neighbors." the dark haired guy started to laugh again, this time not even trying to hide it. You got up from you seat and went to the door as fast as you could. "Anyway, I'm sorry. I just want it to say it in case of anything." and so, you disappeared from their eyes once again. Whatever you heard about them it was clearly bullshit in their eyes. You need to stop listening to whatever people had to say, they could answer to whatever question you had. Yet you never ask for anything.

A game of cats and mouse started. It was clearly who were the evil minds that came with the plan and who was the clueless victim. One day when you were at school, they happen to be there to switch everything in the house. Whatever you thought you knew was, now was in a complete another place. It was pitiful to watch them work so eagerly on this. It was hard to watch them being idiots, yet not even a second they stopped to think about it. All they had to do now was for you to come back.

It took you two days to finally see that something is wrong. In these two days they almost died of impatience because of how slow you were. Yet look at you, refusing to give up. You searched everywhere in the kitchen cabinets for whatever you were looking for, only to see with the corner of your eye that it was placed somewhere were you clearly couldn't reach at. You took a chair and tried to get it yourself. You don't need help from those fuckers after all. Why would you need it when they made your life so complicated.

"Need help?" the knight in shining armor was too late unfortunately, yet that didn't stopped Gojo from doing something.

"Not at all." he came next to you, took whatever was in your hands and put it back up, just to take it and handle it to you.

"Here you go." you sighed. But your misfortune continue to grow when the other idiot came in.

"You're stuck there? Is it too high for you?" the dark haired guy tone was like it was making fun of you. He picked you up and put you down. "There there, no need to thank me." all you did was to sigh.

"I don't need this anymore. Can you put it back?" you handed whatever you had in your hands back to them.

"You got the wrong thing? This happens if you try to reach high places alone." the moment they turned their heads away from you was the way you disappeared from there. Oh, but it was hell the next few days. Nothing was in their right places and it turned you crazy. You gave up. If that's what they wanted to hear then they win. Just like always, you finally showed up in that kitchen. You sat at another chair, choosing a different one from your usual one. Head and hands on the table as you waited for them to appear there. You were about to call it defeat when you fell asleep. It was morning after all, at this time you would usually sleep. Heck, even the bed under you was sleeping. If you were pulling out the white flag, now they were the ones doing it. Seeing you there once again made them realize their mistake.

They apologized ,not to you physically but mentally. You did nothing more than just being curious. Who wouldn't be? Some rich guy let you stay in his house when you needed a place to stay. He didn't ask for anything, the rent was even lowered to half the price it was to the previous place you lived at. And even after all those rumors you heard, you didn't had to see any of their dates inside the house. It was nice living there, they tried to make an effort somehow to not disturb you. And so you did to them. But maybe they didn't thought about it in the end. Sure, it was childish, but wouldn't you do the same if you were in their shoes? Just like you, they have questions. They also want answers. Their methods might be a little out of pocket, but try to think the way they do. They're too proud, you'll never see them asking for anything. They'll make you ask for it and then act nonchalant about it. Can't you see they're just some big fucks? They're fuckers and they're proud. They're literally dickheads.

The strategy changed. They'll get you out that room in other ways. That's when you started to wake up with all kind of food and sweets. They'll get home and the first thing to do is to go to your room to announce what they got. It made you instantly get out the bed and follow them. They played dirty all the time. They did it in such a way that when you hear the front door you instantly get out the bed and sprint to who ever came back. Big smile on your face and knowing absolutely nothing about whatever scheme they might plan next.

"I didn't got anything today." Suguru's words made you lose your smile instantly. "Satoru might come with something tho." and that made your smile to come back.

"Can I stay with you until he comes back?" his smile seems so innocent. It made him look innocent. That old fox isn't playing according to the books. No, in fact he'll get off the main path just to get to what he wants faster. He knew exactly that your so called landlord wouldn't come back home tonight. Yet he's not going to say shit.

"Of course." and so, you ended up with him on the big couch that was in the living room, watching some movie that was playing on some random channel on tv. It would be such a big lie if he says whatever he was after was just friendship. Is he trying hard? Maybe. But he wants to look like you're the one worked up about it. He wants to look like he just happened to be there and that's it. And oh man he got what he want. By the end of that movie you two ended up in your room. His hands moved so fast to get your clothes off the moment that door was closed. The big windows gave so much light that he could see very clearly where your bed was at.

"Suguru.." you whined his name so sweet and softly. It took all the control he haves to not jump on you in that exact moment, not like he wasn't all over you. If he knew that he could have got to this point sooner from a movie and some takeaways he would have got through this a long time ago. You sat at the edge of the bed, looking at him taking his clothes off and then he jumped back on you.

"Have you done this before?" he was placed in between your legs ,one of his hands placed on your thigh as the other was on the bed right next to you keeping him from not putting all his weight on you. You nodded your head slowly.

"But it's been a while so be gentle with me." animal in heat describes him the best. It looked like a big bad wolf was on top of its prey. If you still can walk tomorrow then that means he did a bad job. But your sweet words made him realize that's too soon. How can he get in your bed again if he scares you now?

"Alright." the hand he had on your thigh moved in between your legs. You were so wet after that little make out session you had on the couch. It should be a crime to leave you alone when you clearly need his help. He's only playing the bigger person so he won't fuck everything right now, so let him believe in his delusions.

Two of his fingers were inside you, moving them in and out of you for a few moments just to see how far he can go. And then he started to curl them, making you instantly squirm. Did the other guy you fucked not do a good job? Maybe that's why you had almost non existent experience in this. Maybe you were left disappointed. Well, aren't you lucky? He likes to hear only good reviews about himself. Oh, but he hopes you heard about his services. If you're so interested in what other people says then you should definitely listen to the people that ended in the same bed as him. "I know you like it, but stop moving so much." he stopped his hand movement for a moment to let you breathe. He's lying. He likes the way you're squirming and trembling at everything he does.

"You're so mean." you whined. If that was mean then he doesn't know how to call whatever he's usually doing. He likes it rough. He likes to see tears in the eyes of who ever he's fucking. He likes to relieve his stress in questionable ways.

"Am I?" he had this diabolical smirk on his face. Evil was too little to say. He looked like he let his demons out of leash. His face got closer to yours, whispering sweet nothings in your ear as he started to move his hand again. He'd go as deep as he can, discovering all kind of places, touching you here and there just to see you melt. "Come on, look at me, don't close your eyes." he'll rub your clit for time to time, just to remind you about it. It was mostly to see your expressions, and to remind you how mean he can be. If you said he is then he is, no? This was him just being the fucker he is. Toying with you just to show you how he can make you feel. And to remind you that if he gives, then he also can take away all these new overwhelming feelings. Beg for him. That's what he wants to hear from you after all. Cries and begs.

And you were falling all for it. The way you would cry his name was like good news to his ears, a melody that's he's so happy to hear. His fingers are always making sure to touch all the good places. But at some point it was too much, you felt like you were going over the edge, your vision completely disappearing when you came all over his hand. And he still kept toying with you. "Please-" you gasped. "No more.." you were so dumb for him that he couldn't help but want to over stimulate you, play with you until you're begging for more.

"You can take it, can't you?" it was an obvious no from you. It was the first time you felt this overwhelming, you clearly needed a break to calm down.

"Kiss me." you wanted to feel more than just his evil scheme. A kiss would go so good after that torture. But he stopped the moment you said those words. He just wanted to show you whos in charge of this, because he clearly didn't liked how comfortable you got with him. You didn't seemed to look mad at him for not fulfill your request, no, in fact you only sighed relived. Finally you were free from his cursed hands. He pressed your legs together and put them on his shoulder. You weren't ready for the big thing. You bearly can take his thick fingers, just looking at his cock made you almost pass out. "I don't think I'm ready for that.." you gulped, you only hoped to hear something about how you could do it if you wanted to or any words of encouragement.

"I know you can't." he said as his hand traveled to your pussy, collecting some of your juices to rub it on his cock along with his precum. "The moment I'll get inside that pussy of yours I'll make sure you won't be able to walk for days." he said as he slips his cock in between your thighs. He expected to get more than this in return, because in his head he deserves more than he gives, at least in that situation. But he's not that horny yet to forget about his morals. So this is enough for the moment, because he knows that in the future you'll be able to give him so much more than now.

He hated those eyes of yours. The way you would look so innocent, curious. Ughh. It just made him want to ruin you. Just look at the way you look at him right now. Big eyes, just as curious as always, yet he can see it more playful. It made him think that you're not taking him seriously. "Does it feel good?" he kept moving his hips back and forth, rubbing his cock on your skin. It felt so soft and warm. Your whole body was warm no matter where he puts his hands on you. He couldn't give you an answer, not because he couldn't, it was more because he didn't want to. Why don't you figure it out yourself? All he can do was to grunt, hopping you'll get the message.

His grip on your thighs was so tight that it might leave a bruise. He felt like your going to run away the moment you get a chance to. So all he can do was to grab you as close as he can. Keeping your legs in place as he moves his hips.

What was first a slow pace now turned into fast and desperate thrusts. He couldn't keep his head straight, he couldn't think anymore the moment he felt like hes getting closer and closer to that sweet release he kept chasing after. He wanted to hear something from you, it was too quiet. Yet he can't ask for it, because his ego is just not letting him.

He'll eat you up. The moment he would get inside that pussy of yours he'll make sure the whole neighborhood would hear his name. "I'd fuck that mouth of yours right now if I could." he let his thoughts out. He couldn't think of a single peaceful or good word to say to you. And you didn't said anything about it and took whatever he had to say. You watched him the whole time. You can clearly see that something is wrong with him. His face, his actions are showing so. "Fuuuck." he was so so so close. He had so many things to say yet he didn't said shit because it just didn't felt like it was the right time. You weren't in the same situation as him, you weren't going through the same rollercoaster of emotions. He really wanted to flip you over, fuck you from behind as he'd just call you a slut, or any names to degradate you. You could take it, can't you? You could take this load right here right now and thanks him for it at the end, won't you? Lost in his thoughts, he finally came all over your belly. Still moving his hips just to get everything all out.

What a night, huh. He felt into the bed right next to you, tired, and just wanting to get some sleep. Wasn't it surprising tho? He fucked differently for once and now he feels like he ran a marathon. And you had the audacity to look at him with those big eyes again. Looking so sweetly and ready to take him for real this time. "You'll sleep here tonight?"

"Who knows." he would do like always, he knew the answer yet he couldn't say that he was ready to leave in this instance your room to go back to his. He waited for you to fall asleep before he finally retreated to his bedroom.

He could only imagine how you'll react tomorrow when you can't see him. He thought you'll stay in your room just like always. But no, the next day you were in that kitchen, sitting next to him so shyly. It was like you were back to the beginning. You didn't want anything more from him than just ask if everything is alright between you too. Just to make sure everything stays the way it was before. But you can't really say anything since your landlord is also there. And this makes you feel so guilty.

"Ehh. You really done it, didn't you." the white haired guy said something. That scared you, your heart almost left your body. Does he knows? Were you in trouble? "Don't worry, Y/N. Whatever happened he probably doesn't even remembers about it." the dark haired guy only smiled like he didn't know why you were acting like that. Since his friend was so clueless maybe he could tease you about it a little.

"Hmm? What have I done?" you could see your soul leaving your body. All you wanted to do is to make sure that you're relationship stays the same. But this was too much. You were on the verge of crying.

"L- let's talk about it later!" you ran from there like always. How long would it last until you'll say something? He won't say a word until you do the first step. Why? Because he liked to see you cry. He didn't thought that he would bully you, but you clearly deserve it for playing with his head.

Imagine his surprise to see you the next day in the kitchen again. If he would be the first to come out his room, now he would make sure to come as late as possible. You could go to his room and say whatever you had to say, yet you didn't. You would go in that damn kitchen all the time to interact with them. Was that small talk enough for you? Didn't you wanted more? Because if you would come to his room he promise to reward you for your courage and give you a little bit of himself. You could even choose what you wanted from him. He would be glad to hear what you had to say. That if you stop going into that kitchen and just be straight forward. In his eyes you were a coward. Yet he loved toying you the way he wants.

You sat next to him again. This time more determined than before. You took out your phone and typed a simple question in your notepad.

'Can I ask you something?' you showed him your phone screen.

He acted like he didn't see it.

'I really want to ask you something.'

Still he acted like he didn't see anything.

This was pure madness. This was getting on your nerves. You stepped on his foot to get his attention. He gasped as he looked in shock at you. The nerves. The audacity. You point to your phone again yet he keeps acting like he doesn't see anything. He even turned his face away.

"Just talk already." Gojo only rolled his eyes. "What happened anyway?"

Geto looked at you. He didn't planned on saying anything unless you said it. He just wanted to fuck with your head after all. Nothing more besides getting on your nevers. You wanted to say it so bad. The words wouldn't come out your mouth when so many eyes were on you. It didn't matter if it were only them. You can't say it. So you did the only thing you had left. Retreat. At least for the moment. You got out of there and stormed in your room. Next time it's either a win or nothing at all. You swear to get an end to this and then you can live peacefully and go on with your life.

The next day you waited in the hallway for that stubborn man to come out his room. It was a long wait, yet you stayed by his door until he finally came out. "Are we good. Yes or no?" you went straight to the point. All these days of playing around made you sick of this.

"Why don't you come in so we could talk about it?" he wanted you in his room, he will get you there.

"I just want to know that nothing changed."

"What do you mean by that?" this damn wolf.

"Like. We're the same as before, right? I just want to make sure nothing changed between us. " he had that dumb smile on his face and he kept acting like he doesn't know shit.

"Come in and lets talk." this was making you so mad. He didn't wanted to talk when you tried before but now hes willing to talk about it? He grabbed your hand and dragged you in his room, pushing you against the door as soon as he closed it. Hands in your shirt going up as his lips touched yours. Here was your reward for taking such a big step.

"You said talk." you gasped for air.

"This is also a form of talking." his cold hands made you squirm. The way he's moving his hands up and down against your skin. He wanted to go all the way up to your breasts until you heard a someone knocking on the door.

"It's me. Just wanted to make sure you two are alright." this was clearly a way to get out of there before this situation gets worse.

"Ah yes. We're fine." a hand grabbed your arm, stopping you from going further away. That damn fox just can't let you go yet.

"Can I know what happened?" you tried to not panic, but you just couldn't. Your mind was still on whatever happened earlier.

"We watched a movie and we argued about it." it was far from the truth. But you'll just go with what Geto said. You can't think of a better excuse.

"Huh?" your landlord raised and eyebrow.

"It was a good movie. Right, Y/N?" the way this man haves to drag you through mud and hell before you could have a break.

You gulped. "Indeed." you can't even find your words.

"So we can go like how it was before then." this evil man said it like you weren't the one that kept trying to make sure everything is alright.

"I should put a parental lock on that tv." your landlord only sighed and turned around going back to the kitchen. You ran from there in your room. Only wanting a break from this madness.

[nkirukaj]

The Radio Demon & the Billboard Doe (8)

Pairing: Alastor x Fem! OC

Warnings: Swearing

Genre: Angst (& Humor!)

Word Count: 3.6K

<Chapter 7

8. Getting to Know You

Voe’s attempts were falling flat. Alastor seemed to tolerate her more when she was being mean. These days he just avoided her or watched her from afar. She seemed a bit lost on what she could do next. It took her many days to even consider doing what she chose to do next. The thing she hated most when it came to men, apologizing.

She had to sneak up on him to get close to him without him leaving. “Hi,” she spoke from behind

Alastor turns his head 180 degrees again to address who he heard “Oh, it’s you,” he spoke sounding tired and bored before turning the rest of his body around to face her.

“Yes, it’s me. I wanted to tell you something.”

He rolls his eyes “Please cease your attempts at false flattery, I can see right through them and it is getting increasingly irritating to hear.”

She crosses her arms “If you would let me finish.” she sighs deeply “I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.”

His eyes widen, then squint again, unsure of if this was another attempt at conning him “Whatever for?”

“For messing with you before I even got to know you. I should’ve waited until we knew each other a lot better before I started messing with you,” she smirks at the flat delivery of her joke “Okay,” he rubs his chin “I accept your ‘apology’”

She drops her arms “Okay great, now can you stop avoiding me?”

“Oh, I see. You just want attention.”

“Is that bad?” She asks, not really expecting an answer

“Why don’t you seek attention from your other little friends?”

“I have their attention, I want yours.”

“Why?”

“What would I look like not socializing with the only other deer I’ve seen in Hell? It’s criminal!”

“We both know that you don’t care that I’m a deer. Why don’t you talk to someone that’s not a,” he gives her a closed-lip smile “Fossil?”

He’d gotten her there, and he could tell too, by the ginormous grin that he gave her after that question. It amused her but also pissed her off. She squints at the potential challenge.

“Well, call me an archeologist.” She beams in response

“I get the feeling that you’re not actually sorry,”

“Why is that?”

“I don’t know if you can tell but your facial expressions tell me that you think this is a joke.”

“Well, the last thing I said was a joke.” She bats her lashes

He places his hands behind his back “You’re going to have to try a lot harder than that to get my attention, darling.” he walks away, leaving her annoyed yet newly invigorated. She could definitely do this, she was sure of it. 

“Hey Angel,” She plops down next to the spider

“What?”

“So you’ve been here a while, right?”

“At the hotel?”

“Yeah,”

He looks off to the side “Uh, I guess so yeah. Is this gonna be another one of your weird questions, cuz I’m not sure if I’m into it today-“

“What do you know about Alastor?”

“Other than him being freaky? And not in a good way, mind you, nothing.”

“Really, nothing? You’ve learned nothing about him?”

“He doesn’t open up to anybody. Why? He bother you again?”

She pouts “No,” She lays back on the couch “But how are you?”

“Uh, I’m okay,”

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

She smiles warmly “Okay. Can I hug you?”

Angel is very confused “Sure?” He embraces her with his four arms and it’s a very comfy hug

“You’re a soft baby,” she says with a cute smile and walks off 

Angel looks down at his phone “That chick’s weird” and shakes his head 

“Hi Luci!” she enters his study, very calmly and quietly

He turns to see her “Oh hey! How are ya, Ducky? I just started working on that rubber duck you asked for.”

She sits down and scooches closer to Lucifer “Oh, thank you, Luci! You made it brown, like me!” 

He shifts a little in his chair “Oh, yeah. I hope that’s not bad.”

“Oh no, it’s good” she reached up and ran her fingers through his silky hair “It’s very good. Good job, Luci,” the pitch of her voice getting lower and her strokes getting slower and touching more of his scalp. “I have a question for you Luci, you know all about the denizens of Hell, right?”

“Hahaha no!”

“No?”

“No…”

“Why no?”

“Because I have depression!” he says with a grin “And that makes me dissociate! So I know nothing!”

“Oh, I didn’t know that, I’m sorry Luci. Would you like a hug?”

“Aww, of course.” he outstretches his arms and embraces the doe. Voe places her chin on his shoulder and scowls, knowing that this is a lost cause. 

She thought about asking Niffty but seeing the way she flitted around chasing bugs in the hotel, with her eyes full of manic energy. She knew that while she was lovely, she was probably not the right choice to get information from.

She went up to Husker at the bar when it was empty, taking a seat on a stool, waiting for him to turn around and see her.

“What do you want?” he speaks in a disinterested tone

“I want a fruity drink Husker,” She adjusts herself on the stool

“Mhmm, here.” he slides her a margarita glass filled with whiskey and plops an apple in it. 

They sit there staring at each other with straight faces before Voe speaks again “Okay…” she slides the glass away “Fine I actually wanted to talk to you.”

“Alright” he stares without changing his expression

She leans forward on the counter “Can you tell me all the things you know about Alastor?” she whispers

Husk laughs dryly “What that he’s an asshole?”

She rolls her eyes “Yeah, but like stuff about him. Like things that you know. I know you know something.”

“I know lots of somethings” he crosses his arms “What do you even want to know?”

Voe flashes her eyes “Everything,”

“Oh, I get it. You wanna know if he’s seeing someone,”

Voe throws her hands up “What? No!”

“I see the way you look at him and ‘bother’ him. It’s like you’re screaming ‘screw me’. It’s disgusting.” He takes a swig of a bottle

Voe shakes her head furiously “NO!”

“Mhmm. Everyone around here thinks that you like him. Maybe you should correct that.”

“Wait, who’s everyone?”

“Everyone.”

“Like, even Charlie and Vaggie?”

“Mhmm”

“How do you know that?”

“If you ever came out your room, you’d know.”

“What did they say?”

“They didn’t have to. We see you always bickering. That’s code for ‘I like you’” He takes a long drink 

“Why does it have to be romantic? We’re just a man and a woman, arguing or debating or whatever.”

“Mhmm.”

“Wait, does he talk about me?”

“Why?”

“Because I want to know!”

“I ain’t gotta tell you shit.” he flips her off

“Does anybody talk about me?”

He smiles, as though this is one of the few joys of his day “Why do you wanna know about Alastor?”

“Just cuz! Look I don’t know, I just do.”

“Mhmm.”

“Can you at least tell me one thing?”

“What?”

“Does Alastor talk about me?”

Husker taps his claws on the counter “Once.”

Her eyes widen in surprise “Really?”

“Yep.”

“You’re not bullshittin’ me right?”

“When do I ever bullshit?”

“Well, what did he say?”

He rolls his eyes at her “You asked for one thing. And why would I tell you my boss’s private info anyway? Thought you were supposed to be smart.”

“Ugh!” she drags herself off of the stool, purposefully tipping over and spilling the margarita glass as she goes.

“Hello?”

“Yes hello, love. It’s me. I’m calling to see how much info you’ve gotten so far.”

“Umm, not very much. This guy’s like a locked box.”

“Well, you better find the key or some pliers and unlock it, because Vox wants to interview you on his show next week. Do whatever you need to. Fuck him if you need to!”

“Wait what?”

“We’re counting on you!”

Once Velvette hung up the call, Voe lowers her phone and things about the things she said. They were counting on her, this was her job on the line. She has to get something out of him by next week. Something interesting to talk about. She was going to be on TV! She still had no clue of how to get this info though, she thought about Velvette’s suggestion. 

Fuck him.

She didn’t really do that when she was alive, but most men are a lot easier to crack than Alastor was. She leaned on the wall, wondering if it would come down to that. Fucking Alastor. The thought had crossed her mind fleetingly in the past. He was a very attractive man, nice and pleasant to look at. Charming, and graceful with his hands. She closed her eyes, thinking of how that might go. She slid down the wall onto the floor imagining that iron grip that he used on her wrist, being locked around her waist. His sharp teeth biting down on her neck, and him towering over her as he’d lay her down on a bed. He was quite slim, but that never bothered her, and he’d use his hands for much more than just preparing food-

“My dear, what are you doing on the floor?” she heard his voice in front of where she sat

She looked up, seeing his tall frame looming above her, his head facing forward and his eyes on her. She takes a huge breath and stands “What?”

“Why are you on the dirty floor? I thought you had better taste than that.” His hands are behind his back, holding his cane as his eyes rise with her

“Just…thinking.” her gaze doesn’t meet his, in fear of her cheeks turning pink

“About what?” he tilts his head, grin as wide as ever

“Nothing of your concern,” she dusts off her dress

Alastor examines his nails “I’ve heard that you’ve been asking around about me.”

“And how exactly have you heard that?”

“You’ve been asking around. And, my good friend Husker informed me of your latest query.”

She huffs “That son of a bitch,”

“If you wanted to know about me, you could just ask.”

She scoffs “Right, like you’d tell me anything.”

“You don’t know what I’d say. You haven’t asked. Not every ‘grown woman’ of you.”

She rolls her eyes “Oh please, that’s how the adult world works. What did Husk tell you?”

“That you wanted to talk to me,”

“Okay, I did not say that.”

“So you do not desire to know anything about me? For your interview with Vox?”

She stares with a blank expression “How do you know about that?”

“It’s all over that application that you love so much.” he glances up while his head is oriented down towards his nails

“How would you have seen that? You hate phones and computers and all that shit.”

“I have my ways,” he returns his hand to its original place “So, would you like to know things?”

Voe side-eyes him “Why do you think I want to know things about you for my interview?”

“Because you’re going to be on Vox-2-Nite. Do you know anything about me and Vox?

“No,”

He leans forward “Vox is…immature” he twirls his cane in one hand and passes it to the other “And he’s certainly using you to get at me.”

“Or maybe he’s interested in my talent and personality because maybe not everything is about you fucker!” She’s sitting forward now, a bit flush. She takes a moment before leaning back

“There she is,” his smile seemed more genuine than it had in a while. Voe smiled back a little shy. She supposed that maybe there was a spot in between that she just needed to learn how to strike. “I’m sure Vox wants to hear all about you and your talents.” he turns to walk away

“Wait,” she steps forward, he stops and turns his head back to look at her “Why would you tell me things about you to tell Vox?”

“Because I just love to help out Wayward sinners,”

“For some reason, I don’t believe that.” she crosses her arms and smirks

“You don’t have to believe me, all you have to do is listen” his smile turning mischievous and evil in the most attractive way possible

____________________________________________

“Quiet on set!” Velvette screamed to the camera crew. She turns to Voe “Listen, don’t look at the crowd. Anytime Vox asks for your opinion, you say that you agree.”

“So I just agree with everything?”

“Yes. Well, unless Vox says something like, ‘I’m such a terrible person.’”

“So I would say like, ‘oh of course not.’”

“No. That sounds condescending. Say something like ‘you could never be a bad person’. Or you could say ‘Not as bad as Alastor’, and that would bring him into his favorite topic.”

“Alastor,” she concludes

“Yes,” Velvette adjusts the outfit that her model is wearing. A silk top unbuttoned with a silk crop top mimicking the look of a bra and silk trousers, all in hot pink. “You look delightful. You’re welcome. You go on in 1 minute. You’ve got this okay?”

“Uh, yeah. Of course.” 

“Are you nervous?”

“Umm..”

“Here, drink this.” She hands Voe a flask and she takes a drink from it. She gags at the taste “Liquid courage. Put some hair on your chest.” she laughs “Though I prefer yours hairless” she winks at Voe.

She doesn’t take the time to register her boss’s wink, before hearing the countdown 

“And we’re live in 5! 4!”

“Okay, get out there honey buns!” Velvette pushes her and simultaneously slaps her butt.

Once Voe gets up to the set, she blushes and waves to Vox, who proceeds to ignore her.

“And we’re LIVE!”

“Good evening good denizens of Hell! My name is Vox and welcome to another glorious episode of Vox-2-Nite!” The crowd cheers on cue and Vox accepts the praise “This evening, we have a very special guest, a newer face in Hell, working with my colleague, Velvette! Say a hellish hello to Voe the Beau!”

Voe waves at the audience and the camera “Hello,” Velvette signals offset to her to stop talking.

“Ho ho quite the chatterbox, are we?” the audience laughs at Vox’s ‘joke’. Voe’s cheeks turn pink as she returns to silence. “So I hear you’re a newcomer, how’s Hell treating you?”

She looks toward Velvette who gestures for her to speak “Oh, um. I’m sorry. I am so nervous. I can’t believe I’m here being interviewed by the Vox.”

“Well, anybody would be lucky to be here.”

“I’d say Hell is treating me quite well.”

“I see you’ve made quite a name for yourself. Where did you get such confidence?”

She leans back in her chair “Well, it’s hard to not have confidence when you’re a bad bitch.” the audience laughs and Vox forces a smile

“So, we hear that you’ve been doing your lives from the ‘Hazbin’ Hotel. Tell us about that.”

She nods “Yes, I’ve been living there since I dropped into Hell.”

“So do tell, are you buying into this redemption nonsense?”

She glances at Velvette “Well, I think that it’s quite an ambitious project, but I believe that Princess Morningstar has got her hands full.”

“Indeed she does. Haha! You know, our sources have told us that you have a certain guest living there with you. The Radio Demon,” the audience ‘ohs’

“Well, he’s an employee,” she speaks with an award-winning grin 

“Indeed he is. How’s he been treating you?”

“Well, he mostly stands in the back of activities and tries to remain as mysterious as possible,”

“Haha, have you seen this post?” Behind him, Vox displays a post that reads ‘Yo the Radio Demon made @voetheBeau cry!!!’ Voe’s eyes widen, with a tight smile fixed on her face. “What a jerk am I right?” the audience reacts in muted horror “Well, was this the truth or not?”

“I admit that I had a less than pleasant run-in with…the Radio Demon, but to clarify, I did not cry.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, as you all heard the Radio Demon is a piece of SHIT! Who deserves to have his HEAD ON A STAKE AND HIS STUPID FUCKING CANE, SHOVED UP HIS DEER A-“ 

Velvette coughs offset “We’re still live.”

Vox simmers down “The Radio Demon is for sure a jerk!” He readjusts his tie. 

Voe feels as though she has to plaster the grin on her face. She is filled with confusion and slight terror.

“There’s been some news that he’s been saying some things about me?”

“Well… he did say something about mentioning you in his next broadcast.”

“Oh did he?” Vox’s grin widens “Well let him know that if he’s got a mouthful, then I’m all ears” The audience laughs again, but Voe does not because she doesn’t see why that’s supposed to be funny 

“He says that he’ll be taking the time to finally address his relationship with you,” Vox laughs evilly

“Finally, the Radio Demon will finally admit his wrongdoings” Vox’s laugh gets louder and more intense “FINALLY READY TO ADMIT, HUH ALASTOR?! YOU’RE OBSESSED WITH ME! OBSESSED!!”

Voe watches as the TV personality goes feral and in that moment, her face falls, as she realizes that this was clearly a setup. She looks at Velvette to know what to do. Velvette is on her headset, speaking to Vox. “VOX GET IT TOGETHER WE ARE STILL LIVE! YOU’RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF AND ME!”

Vox throws caution to the wind, as well as his desk. He stands and does a classic evil laugh, practically foaming at the mouth. Voe scoots back and looks at the camera with shock.

“We’re drowning, get out of there Voe, NOW!” her boss’ voice instructed. Voe stands and is escorted offstage as Vox grabs one of the cameras and laughs into it. “Cut the cameras!”

The curtain lowers as an announcer’s voice is heard “That’s all for Vox-2-Nite!” and Vox’s laughter is drowned out by the audience cheering.

“I never want to do that again,” Voe comments as the mic is removed from her person

“You did great!” Velvette raved

“I basically said nothing,” she pushes her hair behind her ear

“Exactly! Most greedy bitches try to cut Vox off and make it about themselves. But we’re the Vees, we’re running the show. It’s about us. “

“Huh,” Voe takes a moment to take this in 

“Besides, you’re a model. People don’t know you for your thoughts. It’s all about your pretty face! All you have to do is be pretty and you’re nailing it!”  Vox walks backstage as if nothing happened “Vox! You did great! Look, ratings went up!” she shows him her tablet

“Excellent!”

“All because of you Vox!”

“Well, of course. Who else would it be?” he turns to Voe “You did a great job, Doe, next time try a little less chatter. Okay? Okay.” and then he walks away

Voe turns back to her boss “Does he do that a lot?”

“Ugh, you don’t know that half of it. But, you’re done for the night. Drop off the outfit and get your sweet buns outta here!” Velvette slaps her butt again “I’ll see you at work,” she winks walking off to yell at some cameramen.

________________________________________________________

Voe gets back to an empty hotel once again, the parlor dark and quiet. She almost walks past it, when she hears a creak in the floor. She turns toward the sound, staring and then sniffing. She puts her hand on her hip and calls out. “Alastor,”

He opens his glowing red eyes and shows off his golden grin before turning on a singular light “Yes, my dear?”

Voe marches over to the demon “You think you’re so fucking funny, don’t you? Hmm”

“I suppose I find myself to be a little humorous,” he says before his grin takes up 90% of his face

“You had him foaming at the mouth!”

“Oh I know, poor Vox I hope he’s okay.”

She points at him “You don’t give a shit about Vox.”

“Nope.” he just keeps on grinning

“And what, pray tell do you think will happen to me when he finds out this information is false?”

“When do you plan on telling him?”

She looks at him like he’s stupid “Uh never!”

“Okay then. I hope you had a great interview. I loved all your answers.”

Her eyes flit up ���You watched it?”

“I did indeed, I just had to see his reactions when you told him.”

She places both of her hands on her hips “And it has nothing to do with me?”

“Hmm. I think maybe a small piece of me wanted to mess with you,” He leans down “Consider your feathers, ruffled.”

She tries not to smile “Who says you ruffled my feathers?”

“Oh, the look on your face said it all, my dear.”

“I am going to slap your face,”

He stands back up straight “Take a go, if you can reach.” 

“You know Vox was right about one thing,”

His eyes light up “What’s that darling?”

“You, are a jerk.”

“Look at you learning something new every day.” He walks past her whistling ‘Getting to Know You’ from The King and I.

She turns in his direction “Oh fuck you!” she yells after him.

Chapter 9>

[photogirl894]

@clonexreaderbingo

Square: Echo

Fun fact about this bingo one-shot...it is actually a sequel to another fic!! That fic is the Fives x reader fic "AWOL" by @l-lend 😆 We both figured out what bingo fics we were doing next and it happened to work out that she got Fives and I got Echo...then before we knew it, we were tag-teaming and came up with story ideas for both our fics together that would work as one cohesive story! There were a lot of people who loved her fic and now, in this one, you'll see more of the story of Fives and reader...and a reunion I know we all wish could've happened 🥹 Go read K's fic first if you haven't (cuz it's amazing) and then I hope you all enjoy this one, as well 😊

"Captain Rex…we found him."

The former Captain of the 501st moved over to the screen where his fellow Clone colleague was pointing at a planet on a galaxy map, one way out in the Outer Rim.

"Finally…there you are, Fives," Rex thought to himself.

Over a year prior, his brother, Fives, had gone off the grid after discovering a conspiracy with the Clones that would've put his life in danger. He'd faked his death and escaped to the Outer Rim with the medic he loved to start a new life together, away from anything that could threaten them. At first, Rex hadn't even known that Fives was alive, but Commander Tano later informed him of the situation, which had been shocking to say the least. However, after the events of Order 66, Fives and his medic suddenly went radio silent and disappeared. While building an underground Clone network to fight against the Empire over the course of many months, Rex had also been having some of his contacts trying to locate Fives…and now, he'd finally been found.

"Who's been found, Rex?"

The Captain looked over his shoulder to his other brother he was close to; one who'd recently joined in his efforts: Echo. He'd temporarily left his squad to help Rex find other Clones who needed help in the galaxy. Echo had been Fives' best friend who was also once believed dead in an explosion a long time ago and, in Rex's mind, the timing of Echo joining and the locating of Fives couldn't be more perfect.

Rex went up to Echo, laid a hand on his shoulder and simply stated in reply, "Echo...you're coming with me for this one."

Echo gave him a nod. "Is it another Clone?"

"Yeah, it is…a very important one I've been looking for, for a long time."

"Babe, I'm home!"

You heard the one voice you loved most call to you from the front of your home and a smile crossed your face. "I'm in the kitchen!" you said back, raising your voice so he could hear you.

While you continued stirring the soup you were preparing, you soon felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist and a warm chest pressed against your back. A pair of soft lips made loving contact with your cheek and a deep voice greeted you in your ear, "Hello, beautiful."

"Hey, handsome," you said back, turning your face so you could kiss him on the lips.

"Did you have many patients today?" he asked you, removing his arms from you.

You added a pinch of salt to your soup. "Just a couple," you answered. "One man got bit by a tooka on the hand and then a little boy fell from a tree and broke his arm."

"Was it Alby?" Fives inquired.

You chuckled. "Yeah, it was. Same kid who sprained his ankle last month."

"That is one accident-prone boy," he commented.

Since you and Fives had arrived on this planet, you'd already made a name for yourself here as a medic for the nearby villages. Luckily, this planet was far enough in the Outer Rim that no one recognized Fives as a Clone soldier, so that made things a lot easier for the both of you. While you accepted medical patients in your own at-home clinic, Fives worked at a nearby shipyard. You both had managed to make an enjoyable, peaceful new life for yourselves here and you couldn't be happier.

"By the way, you didn't clean up your hair in the sink from trimming your goatee again this morning," you chided him, raising your eyebrows at him.

In response, he purposefully averted his gaze, sniffed loudly and said, looking at the pot in front of you, "Mmm, the soup smells delicious, babe."

"Uh-uh, don't try and change the subject," you said, though you couldn't help but smirk at him. At one point in time, when you'd thought he was dead, you would've given anything to see those annoying hairs in your sink again. Guess all it took was him miraculously "returning from the dead" and running away together to a faraway planet for you to get that again.

He put an arm around your shoulders and kissed your temple. "I'm sorry, I'll do better next time," he promised. "I'm going to go change out of my work clothes and then I'll be down for dinner, okay?"

"Sounds good," you said as he left and went upstairs.

You got two bowls out and carefully ladled out hot soup into both of them. As you set them onto the table, there was a knock at your door. You were curious, you weren't expecting any visitors. You went to the door and pressed the button to open it. The door slid open with a swish and the face you saw was one you weren't expecting.

"Captain Rex!"

Dressed in dark blue and gray civvie clothes stood before you the Clone Captain you hadn't seen in a long time; not since before you ran off with Fives. You could tell there was someone else standing directly behind him, but you couldn't see their face.

"Good to see you again, (Y/N)," he said to you with a pleasant grin.

"How did you…how did you find us?" you asked.

"It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that," he told you.

Then he stepped to the side to reveal who was behind him: another Clone with pale, sunken skin, dressed in red and white as well as dark leather armor. He had a cybernetic headpiece wrapped around the back of his head and his arm was a scomp link, which you'd never seen before. However, something about this Clone seemed familiar to you. Having worked with so many of them, you picked up on smaller details that helped make each of them distinct in your eyes, apart from their normal distinctive features like hair, tattoos or armor. There was something about this Clone that your mind was telling you that you knew him well.

He recognized you the moment he saw you and his eyes went wide. "It's you!" he exclaimed.

You gazed at him thoughtfully, trying to figure out who this Clone was. You'd never seen any that looked like him yet you were positive you knew him. Why did Rex bring this one here to find you and Fives?

Once you thought about Fives, it clicked in your mind almost immediately. There could only be one Clone that would matter this much for Rex to painstakingly find you both and bring the Clone to you; a Clone that had missing limbs…most likely from a fight or explosion.

It couldn't be!

"Echo…?" you asked aloud, holding to the hope you were right.

He grinned. "You do remember me."

You gasped in shock and your hands flew up to your mouth. "I don't believe it! You're alive!" You stepped forward and placed your hands on his shoulders, taking a good look at him. "You look different, but I can still see that glint of hope in your eyes that you always had before. I can't believe it's you. It's so good to see you."

"It's good to see you, too," he said back.

Waving your hand, you gestured for them to come inside and stated, "Come in and wait just a moment. I'll go get my husband." Then you took off quickly up the stairs.

"Husband?" Echo repeated, looking at Rex. "Is this another Clone deserter with a family like Cut?"

"Not a deserter, no," answered Rex. "This Clone's life was in danger for specific reasons, so he's been in hiding for a while. It's likely he'll have to stay in hiding even longer now that the Empire is phasing out Clones."

There were footsteps coming down the stairs and Fives suddenly appeared, wearing a set of gray and green civvies. He was just as surprised to see Rex, too. You appeared on the stairs behind him, where you stayed, watching what was about to unfold.

"Rex!" Fives exclaimed. He opened his mouth to say something more, but then his eyes found the other person in the room and any words he had failed him in the moment.

Echo's eyes grew large at who now came into the room and he quietly gasped. The goatee, the Aurebesh "5" tattoo…a face he never thought he'd see again.

"Fives…," he spoke softly, a faint tremor in his voice.

Even though it had taken you a moment to figure out who it was, Fives recognized his brother and best friend immediately, even in the state he was in with cybernetic limbs. Fives felt numb for a moment and was sure he had to be in the middle of a dream. Echo was dead; he'd watched him die. The anguished scream of Echo's name that had left his lips in that awful moment sounded in his mind. It had been real, he'd seen it…yet Echo was standing in front of him in his home in the flesh.

He slowly stepped closer to Echo and Rex moved back a bit to give them some space. Fives couldn't tear his eyes away from the now gaunt face of his long-lost brother, expecting to blink and see him disappear, but he never did.

"Echo…!" he gasped, his eyes looking his brother over.

Timidly, Echo said back to him, "Yeah, I…I've been through some things."

Fives smirked slightly and a quiet snicker left his mouth as he replied, "I'll say…you got taller."

Echo chuckled, not entirely expecting that response. "I…I thought you were dead," he said.

"I thought you were dead," Fives said, gesturing to him. Then with a small grin, he shook his head and asked, "I guess the galaxy just can't get rid of us, can it?"

"No…I guess it can't," Echo agreed.

Finally, the two of them couldn't hold back anymore and Fives pulled Echo into his arms, embracing him tighter than ever. The one good hand Echo had clung to Fives' collar for dear life, burying his head into his brother's shoulder.

"I've missed you, brother," Fives told him.

"I've missed you, too, brother," Echo replied.

Rex had moved over by you on the stairs and the two of you exchanged happy smiles at seeing Echo and Fives finally being reunited after so long apart.

Then you remembered something very important and you whispered to Rex, "I'll be right back." Then without waiting, you took off back upstairs.

Finally, Fives pulled back and placed his hands on Echo's shoulders. "Look at you! You look so tough now with the scomp arm and the headpiece…you've grown."

"You wouldn't believe how much I've changed," said Echo with a grin. Then he spotted Rex standing by the stairs and, peering around Fives, he stated, "Rex, you told me Fives was dead."

"At the time, I thought he was, too," Rex explained. "It wasn't until recently I learned otherwise, but I had to keep it a secret for Fives' safety."

Just then, you came down the stairs and you announced, "Echo, Rex…there's someone we'd like you to meet."

Then you emerged into the room, carrying a small bundle in your arms. When you pulled back part of the blanket that wrapped it, you revealed the small, sleeping face of a baby.

"You…you have a child?" Echo asked, astonished.

"We sure do. Echo, Rex, this is our son," Fives stated with pride as he came up beside you, smoothing back the boy's dark hair.

"What's his name?" inquired Rex.

You and Fives looked at each other, the weight of that question now hitting the both of you. You both thought no one would ever get to know, let alone these two now in your home, and it made you both smile.

"His name…is Echo," you answered, your eyes finding your son's namesake.

Rex looked to Echo in surprise and Echo's eyes flashed wider in happy shock. Then he stepped closer and glanced down at the little one that bore his name, feeling as though his heart could burst with joy.

"Hey there, little one," he said.

Just then, the baby stirred in his sleep and his eyes slowly fluttered open to reveal a pair of golden brown eyes looking up at him; eyes that matched both Fives' and Echo's.

You and Fives both gasped in delight. "Look at that! He knows you," you said gleefully.

"I would hope so after all the stories I've told him," commented Fives, tapping his son's nose. "He's got Clone blood in him. He recognizes a fellow brother…or in this case, his uncle we named him in honor of."

Echo smiled at him warmly.

Looking between Rex and Echo, you asked them, "You'll both stay for dinner, won't you? I've made plenty of soup to feed all of us."

Rex and Echo exchanged glances and Rex answered, "Of course, we will."

Through dinner, you and Fives explained everything that had happened in your lives over the past long while since Echo's "death". You both explained how Fives uncovered the conspiracy of the Clones' inhibitor chips the Kaminoans put in them after something that had happened to his fellow soldier and friend, Tup, which led to both Echo and Rex explaining how his discovery led to both of them getting their own chips out as well as the Bad Batch, the group of Clones Echo had joined. Knowing what he'd done had helped his two closest brothers made Fives glad and he was incredibly grateful. Then you both talked about how, after Order 66, someone in the city you'd been staying in recognized Fives as a Clone and you both knew he'd be in trouble if you stayed, so you packed up and disappeared, thinking it would be easier if no one knew where you were at all, not even the Jedi who had helped find your first hiding place to begin with. That was why no one had been able to find you two until now.

After dinner, Rex offered to help you collect the dishes while you ushered Fives and Echo out back so they could have some time with just the two of them.

"I don't think I've seen Fives this happy since the day we ran away together," you commented to Rex as you washed one of the bowls.

"I agree. I knew once we found Fives, I needed to bring Echo with me. The timing worked out well," Rex said.

"If it had been anyone else, I might've been annoyed that we'd been found, but I'm glad it was you two," you said.

Rex grinned. "I'm just glad you both are still safe."

"As am I."

Outside the house, Fives was being regaled with Echo's stories of how he survived the explosion at the Citadel, being captured by the Techno Union then held captive at Skako Minor and then how he was rescued by the Bad Batch as well as all of the events that had followed the rise of Empire.

Fives commented to Echo in amusement, "So you're telling me that you, the soldier who was always on our squad about following orders, actually joined another Clone squad that's notorious for not following orders? You're joking, right?"

Echo snickered. "I told you you'd be surprised how much I've changed."

"Yeah, you weren't kidding," said Fives. Then he sighed contentedly. "I can't believe everything you've been through and yet, you're still here stronger than ever. You always were stronger than me."

"That's not true," said Echo.

"Agree to disagree," Fives relented. Then he grinned and shook his head. "Look at us...Echo and Fives, back together. The last two Dominoes standing."

Echo's expression turned solemn at the mention of their former squad as cadets. "Yeah…do you ever think about them? Cutup, Droidbait and Hevy?"

With a nod, Fives answered, "All the time. And Tup, too. Sometimes, I wonder how different things might've been had they all made it."

"That's why I'm with Rex right now," Echo said. "You and I couldn't save our squad back at the Rishi moon outpost nor were you able to save Tup, but there are plenty of other Clones throughout the galaxy that I can save in helping Rex. That's why I'm still fighting: for my brothers I've lost and for the many that are still out there being threatened by the Empire."

Fives looked on at his brother with pride. This was the Echo he'd always known and gladly fought beside since their cadet days; the one who fought for Kamino alongside him forever ago. It had pained him to learn of the recent downfall of Kamino, knowing what they had done to try and protect it before.

With a small chuckle, Fives asked, "When did you get so wise?"

"Being trapped in a stasis chamber gives you a lot of time to think," replied Echo.

Then Fives laid a hand on his shoulder. "I'm proud of you, Echo. I really am."

Echo smiled at him. "I'm proud of you, too. You've made a great life for yourself here. You married an amazing woman and you have a kid…you're a husband and a father, something I'm sure neither of us ever expected."

"You don't think of me as a deserter, do you?" asked Fives hesitantly.

"I'd never think that of you, especially knowing what you've done to help the Clones," Echo reassured him.

"Then you understand that…I can't go back with you and Rex," said Fives sadly. "I have my wife and my son here who need me. As much as I would love to fight at your side again--"

"I'd never ask you to leave your family, brother," Echo interrupted him. "I'm going where I'm needed…and you'll be where you're needed. That's all that matters."

They both then heard you and Rex coming over to them, you with little Echo in your arms.

"I'm afraid…we need to go," Rex stated, his face and voice full of regret.

Echo gave him a nod and then faced Fives once more. There was melancholy in both their expressions, not wanting to say goodbye and wondering if this would be the last time they'd be together.

However, Fives put on a positive grin, like he always did, grasped Echo's shoulder and declared, "This isn't goodbye, brother. We'll see each other again."

Echo nodded and reached across with his good hand to grasp Fives' shoulder in turn. "We will," he promised. Then he turned to face you and asked of you, "Keep taking care of him for me, will you?"

"You know I will," you vowed to him, "as long as you help take down the Empire and show them who's boss!"

"I can do that," he said, snickering. He looked down at his nephew, who was making small baby sounds at him. "And you, little Echo...you need to look after both your mom and your dad while I'm gone. Get big and strong like the little soldier you are." He slipped his finger into the baby's hand, which grasped it tightly. "Now that I know you, I need to come back and see you grow up…so I'm going to fight as hard as I can to make the galaxy a safe place for you. That's a promise from your Uncle Echo."

There were tears in your eyes listening to Echo's heartfelt oath to your son. In that moment, you knew you and Fives had made the perfect choice in naming your child after him.

You both bade a final farewell for now to both Echo and Rex and before long, you saw their ship take off into the evening sky. Fives had his arm around your shoulders and you leaned your head into the crook of his neck.

"Do you really think we'll see them again?" you asked your husband.

Running his hand up and down your arm, he answered you, "Echo and I have both beaten incredible odds and we've never been ones to give up easily. If he promised to come back and be in our son's life…then he'll keep that promise and Rex will help him do just that. We'll see them again, babe…I know it."

Clone x Reader Bingo 2023

[nattikay]

so I've now completed all the content in Sky Breaker (finished the story a while back and finished the last side quest yesterday), here are a few thoughts/opinions. I'm not gonna go super in-depth on the story, but will put it under a cut anyways for those who want to avoid all spoilers.

First things first, the Heart of the Plains region is absolutely gorgeous! It was super cool to find all the new crafting items and see the alternate versions of all the animals and stuff. I also warmed up to the Zakru species a lot more once I saw them awake and moving around (I felt kinda meh about them in the main story, like nothing wrong with them, just....meh, y'know? But they were pretty cool when they were up and about.)

When I first mentioned having to wait to play this pack (cuz it came out right before AWU and I was way too busy at the time lol), someone in my replies claimed that it was "too short and disappointing"...which, no one asked, but ok i guess. Having now played the pack, though, I disagree! I don't think it was disappointing nor too short. I mean, yeah it was a lot shorter than the main story, but were you really expecting otherwise? 😅

I will say that it definitely lulled me into a false sense of security. RDA combat has always been my least favorite part of the game; the main draw for me is to be able to run around as a Na'vi in a beautiful little escapist landscape, exploring all the cool plants and animals and such, not spending hours sneaking around dirty bases and shooting arrows at robots (no shade to those whose favorite part is fighting the RDA, more power to ya, just not what I play for personally).

So when the first half of the quests were all just fun Na'vi stuff surrounding the Great Games, I was starting to get excited! Like heck yeah these are the kinds of quests I play for! This is the kind of stuff I like in this game!! Yeah, I felt mildly suspicious when I'd fly past old overgrown RDA camps, but they were overgrown, perhaps they were just there for decoration...

but then of course, Teylan radios in about this cool signal he heard coming from an abandoned base, oh he would love to analyze it, can't I go check it out for him and I was like yup, I know where this is going -_- Teylan my buddy my pal, whenever you want me to "check out" something in an "abandoned" location it ALWAYS turns out to be not fully abandoned and sure enough, there was an ambush, surprise surprise -_- so the RDA's back after all. darn it. oh well :P

I've seen some people complain that the final quest/boss was too easy, personally that suits me just fine lol. Like I said, I'm not here for the combat, I just wanna get it over with and when it gets overly difficult I find it more frustrating than fun. So the difficulty level was perfectly acceptable for me lol.

The minigames were fun. I think the direhorse one was my favorite.

I'm undecided how I feel about Mokasa. I'll have to rewatch the cutscenes before I can form a solid opinion on his mini-redemption. Conceptually I have no issues with him being redeemed, I am of the opinion that any villain can regret their past actions and try to do better, but I don't recall feeling particularly convinced by the way it was done...well, like I said, I'll have to rewatch.

I'm glad Nor was at least acknowledged. He's not my favorite character by any means, but his absence at the end of the main story felt like the biggest loose end to me; it was like the game just completely forgot about his existence after he stabbed Alma's avatar and ran away. We still don't know what happened to him other than that he "doesn't want to be found right now", but again at least it was mentioned. Maybe his story will continue in a different pack...

[dreams-and-drabbles]

Ack ur movin?! Well I hope everything goes well there! since request s are open maybe some honkai comfort scenarios? Like smth happen to the reader and how some honkai chars would comfort/react. You can choose who ever you want but I would want fu hua/Senti cuz I love em so much ❤️❤️❤️ oh oh oh maybe how some of the herrschers would react...on second thought that might be hard...they don't always seem to have a personality that is seen a lot...oh well do what you will ❣️

[♪] Of course!!!! Ah, yes— I am on the train now lmao. I know you love Senti—You’re my Honkai Sensei, after all <333

FU HUA

FU HUA has dealt with her fair share of hardships, perhaps more than what’s fair, if she’s being honest with herself— Then again, life is far from fair, so judging it by such a notion— That would only prove to upset others even more. FU HUA had hoped that you’d never have to experience just how horrible life could be, but seeing the expression on your face, she realized her hopes were in vain. “[F/N]… I’m sorry to see you in such low spirits. I’ll brew you some tea. It’s good for the nerves. Please, sit down—“ FU HUA hurried off to make tea, not even glancing back. She knew that if you’d approached her, then it was likely that you didn’t wish to be alone. She’d been alive long enough to figure things like that out, and saw no use in asking what had happened. You’d tell her on your own time, and she had more than enough time to spare. She poured your tea, sitting down across from you, and observed your reaction as you sipped from the cup— She gave you a small nod, seeing you enjoy it. “This particular blend is my favorite, if you like it, I’ll send some of the leaves with you whenever you end up heading home.” Your responding nod was all she needed, and she packed you your own bag of tea leaves, before joining you at the table once more— She listened to your rambling, nodding here and there, and offered you her hand for you to squeeze— It was an unspoken promise; she was there should you need her.

SEELE

SEELE has never liked seeing others sad— She used to get called a pushover or a goody toe shoes, because of this trait, but still— Sadness was such a horrible thing for anyone to feel, and so, of course she wanted to cheer you up. “Hey, [F/N]! What’s wrong? Do you want to talk about it? If not, that’s fine!!! I got some super tasty cake from big sister Bronya; would you like to share it with me?” Seele was admittedly relieved you’d accepted her invitation. She wasn’t really the best when it came to offering support, so she’d been worried that you’d rather be alone— That was fine too, of course! The last thing she wanted was to be overbearing!!! Still, it made her feel super good knowing you appreciated her company enough to share cake with her. She watched you with a contented smile as you ate your portion of the cake and mindlessly slid over her half, as well— “It’s fine! I can always get more later. I just— I’m really glad you like it!!” She murmured, delight filling her when you gave her a shaky smile— Sometimes, it was the little things…

HERRSCHER OF SENTIENCE

SENTI has never appreciated weakness in others but more-so, she hated those with a lack of honor. Those who took others strengths and twisted them— That was her job. She cultivated those qualities, so whoever was snuffing out your weaknesses was clearly infringing on her territory. She did not appreciate that— “Whatever is the matter?” She grit out, observing the expression on your face. She didn’t like that expression on you. It didn’t suit you. Ah. So, that was what had happened— “I see. Want to let out some of your frustration? We can train some. I won’t attack. You can try to land a hit on me. If training is not your thing, then would you want to walk some? I’ve heard spending time with others can help with lifting a mood, but if you’d like to be left alone— Let me know!!!” She watched carefully, her eyes narrowed in thought— She felt a tiny bit relieved when you nodded, and agreed to accompany her on a walk. You were rather quiet, which was fair, given the situation. She didn’t make a habit of sticking around places for too long, but if her walking with you would help you calm down some— Well, what were bonds all about, anyhow? She was still learning and you, you’d been a great companion to have. It was only fair, right? If she offered you her hand, and you took it, well— Only the two of you had to know that. Ahh— Well, there was Fu Hua, but for some reason— She doubted Fu Hua would mind much at all….

VOLLEREI

VOLLEREI had never liked crying— Her other half cried far too often. Crying was loud. Crying was annoying. Still— For some reason, VOLLEREI wanted to destroy whoever had brought you to tears. Maybe then, you wouldn’t have a reason to cry anymore. She absolutely didn’t care— Not really. She just wanted her peace and quiet back. That was all. “You. Why are you crying like that? Is there anything I can take care of…?” Was there anyone she needed to take care of…? She wasn’t surprised that you’d declined her offer to help. She’d expected it, in all honesty. You were incredibly soft, which worried her at times— “That’s fine. Want to watch a show together? There’s a new episode out on the one we started earlier. It may help take your mind off things.” At your agreement, she turned on the TV and grabbed a few blankets, turning on the episode of your show. She sat with you in silence, and the normalcy of the action helped to calm your nerves. Eventually, you ended up falling asleep, and if you’d been covered by a blanket when you woke up— Well, VOLLEREI wasn’t a fan of sickness, either, and nights did get quite cold—

[sasukesun]

Hai Bella....

When I was in elementary school I thought kissing the same gender was not a problem. What society thought me was "the women must be with men & men must be with women". So if you are kissing mlm or wlw it's not going to be a problm. And at that time... I don't know about lgbtq+. I had a kissing partner in 5th or 6th grade or something. Her cousin was in an 'all girls school' and she was taught that girls kiss each other. So She and her cousin kissed too. Then she found me and I'm not that curious but I kissed her and then we became kissing buddies. But no one knows about it, only us. We were always in situations where someone was going to see what we were doing. When we were alone she was very clingy and beckoned me to kiss her with her seductive eyes.... She was really really into it. I also became curious to explore her body and I did but did not continued (still I don't know how I got into that situation when I was just a kid back then). She only needs me when she wants to pleasure herself. And I don't like what we do it unpleasant to me. After that I took the initiative and ended our relationship. We still talk to each other like we used to. (She is now married after 5 years of relationship with her boyfriend). I dont know... thinking about her reactions back then... Was it only because of her curiosity that she kissed another girl?.

Then....Slowly slowly I also came to notice that I actually likes girls too. My grandmother yelled at me when she caught me watching a wlw album. I love it and want to share it with my friend about the album. But before I could say anything, she started talking about the album. I was so happy when she said she saw the new album that was released. I was still smiling during the conversation. Suddenly I heard her say that the way the girls acted on the album was so disgusting. Her expression clearly showed how disgusted she was. I was completely shattered. I dont know what to do. I became silent my voice didn't came out and painfully agreed with her while I'm exceedingly hurts inside.

I'm attracted to both men & women. I dated in high school and I liked the kiss we share but I am uncomfortable with him when he wanted more from me. Then we broke up. After that I give it a try again but same thing happened I don't like it. I cried what the fuck is wrong with me?! What they wanted isn't something what I wanted. I don't like this! I love kissing but I can't cooperate with physical touch. Then, I felt a crush on a girl in my college for the first time. But that's it.... I crushed the crush I felt for her cuz I know I dont really like being in a relationship. I cried a lot at that time thinking what she would think if she knew I had a crush on her. Maybe she thinks I'm weird?. And also...I quickly loss interest in things. I'm uncomfortable with my body too. I can't bring myself to have sex. I don't know who I am?

i said this to the other anon, but i’m gonna say it to you as well, there is nothing wrong with you, there’s nothing wrong of not wanting to have sex or not thinking you can do it and, especially, there is nothing wrong with not knowing who you are. what is “wrong” is forcing yourself into doing something you aren’t comfortable with, because this isn’t a case of simply getting out of your comfort zone, it’s just putting yourself in a situation you don’t want to participate in, that you know you don’t like, and it involves another person. people won’t always want the same things in a relationship, sometimes you can work that out, but sometimes you can’t, no point in forcing yourself or someone else into things you don’t want to do, it will only bring you unhappiness and even trauma. i do like sex, but i won’t force myself into doing it with someone i don’t want to, i have done that before and it only made me hate myself.

now, about struggling with homphobia/biphobia inside your own family, it’s hard and it hurts like hell, i consider my family accepting enough, but i had trouble with my own parents when i outed myself as bi, it’s something i still have trauma about, and i can consider myself privileged for the relationship i have with my parents, they love me deeply, they have worked hard to make our lives comfortable, but especially mine, they still do, but, like i said, sometimes family can hurt us the most. the most important thing is your safety, i know it will hurt, but don’t expose yourself if you can’t be safe.

[ladyeyrewrites]

Feelings Hurled Like Hand Grenades

Part 4 of Rebuilding Burnt Bridges (Read Part One, Part Two, and Part Three)

Chapter One: Do Some Homework

Rated M

3,138 words

“Please, for the love of God and Martha Stewart, do some homework.”

When Aunt Gina told Mikey to do something, he always tried his best to do it. Not that he was always successful. Let’s be honest, most of the time he wound up failing miserably. Case in point: his marriage. And that was only the latest in a long line of Mikey Kinard screw ups.

But he was sober now, so maybe that’d make a difference.

God, Mikey hoped it would make a difference cuz he really didn’t want to fuck up this chance he had to have his older brother back in his life.

So, when Mikey got off the phone with his Aunt Gina, he went on his laptop and pulled up Google. Sure, he could have used his phone, but he didn’t like doing import things like booking flights or emailing his lawyer on his phone. And this felt like an important Google search: how not to be an asshole to your gay older brother.

Which honestly didn’t produce super helpful results accept for a few Am I the Asshole Posts on Reddit, so Mikey put his professional pants on and refined his search terms until he came across the PFLAG website which had a bunch of super useful information about how to be an ally to your LGBTQ+ family and friends.

Continue reading under the cut or on Ao3

Mikey maybe spent the rest of the afternoon reading as much of the website as he could. Maybe he looked up the local chapter to see when their next meeting was before realising that he was going to be late for his AA meeting if he didn’t stop the research binge in its tracks and leave now.

Part of Mikey want to screw his AA meeting and keeping reading, but no. If he wanted to keep seeing the kids, his sponsor had to sign off on the fact that he’d attended a certain number of meetings each month. And Mikey couldn’t do that to his kids. Not again. This time really had to be different.

So Mikey put his laptop to sleep and grabbed his keys and spent the entire drive from his shitty bachelor pad thinking about the glossary of LGBTQIA+ terms he’d read through and how much bigger the world was than the binaries of gay and straight and male and female. It made him a little angry that he hadn’t known any of it before, that his father had shut down all conversation of such things when he was a kid and then Mikey just hadn’t thought to find out what he was missing out on.

Not that Mikey thought he was anything but a straight, cis (a term he’d only heard inadequately explained in mandatory workplace non-discrimination workshops) man, but he’d never known there were so many other options out there.

He was still thinking about it when he parked in the church parking lot (same one where they’d held Nonna’s funeral all those months back) and when he trudged down to the basement with its industrial carpeting and flickering florescent lights that were still stained with cigarette ash back when they’d still allowed smoking during coffee hour after church. Back when Mikey was a little kid. Back when Tommy and Mom were still around.

Mikey took a seat in a plastic folding chair in his usual spot in the circle. It was mostly the regulars and a couple new faces, a couple folks who hadn’t been to a meeting in a while. Mikey was glad they were back. Glad they were giving it another go, wondered if the regulars were glad every time he came back after falling off the wagon and finding a new rock bottom again. But that wondering was only a brief detour from the world of aromantics and internalised homophobia and queerbaiting and two-spirit that had opened up to him that afternoon.

To be honest, Mikey hardly heard a word every one else said as they moved around the circle introducing themselves, sharing if they wanted. He almost didn’t notice when it was his turn to climb stiff-kneed to his feet and say “Hi, my name’s Mikey and I’m an alcoholic.”

“Hi Mikey!” the room replied with varying levels of enthusiasm.

This was usually the part where Mikey started talking about how his drinking had led to him blowing up his marriage and almost loosing visitation with his kids, keeping it all fresh and current. But the drinking went back further than that. So much further. Back to when Tommy left for the army and suddenly Dad didn’t have his favourite verbal punching bag and Mikey – who’d always been invisible – was thrust into the ice blue spotlight of his father’s eye.

“I uh, don’t think I’ve talked about why I’m here before,” Mikey began. “I mean, sure. I’ve told you guys about the blackouts, the driving drunk, the benders, missing all those important moments in my kids’ lives because the booze seemed more important at the time.” Mikey shook his head, took a breath. It never really got easier, this bluntly talking about all the ways he’d fucked up, but that was part of the problem, wasn’t it: taking the easy way out by drinking instead of actually facing his shit.

“I don’t think I ever talked about how I started in the first place. Not here. Not honestly.” This next part was hard, but he had to get it over with, so he crossed his arms and fixed his gaze on a stain in the carpet almost exactly in the centre of the circle of chairs. “My mom died when I was fourteen. An accident. Wish I could say she died on impact, but she didn’t. They kept her alive for days before they could get Dad sober enough to make the decision to pull the plug.

“It wrecked my dad.” Mikey sniffed because as much as he knew his father was an absolute bastard, he still loved his dad, still felt sorry for him. “Wrecked all of us: me and my brothers. But it made Dad worse. He was always angry before. Pissed at the world, God, my brother. But before Mom died, he had good days. Days where he was fun. Days where he fixed my bike. Sometimes he’d even take all of us fishing or hunting. You know, real father-son kinda shit.” Mikey smiled, remembering the first time he’d ever caught a fish on his own and how proud Dad had looked. He hadn’t said much, just nodded with a hint of a smile on his lips and clapped Mikey on the shoulder. It was one of Mikey’s favourite memories.

“The good days pretty much vanished after Mom died,” said Mikey. “Dad got angrier. He got meaner. He was always worse with my older brother, Tommy, than he was with us younger ones. I don’t think he ever forgave Tommy for being born, for forcing him to get married so young, get a job, live a life he never wanted.” Mikey shook his head. “Anyway, all my life, I remember my dad shouting at Tommy, blaming Tommy for all sorts of shit. Hitting Tommy. And yeah, Tommy tried to please him, but there was no pleasing Dad, especially not when he was drunk, or his back was hurting.

“But then Tommy got bigger and stronger, and he started shouting back and Dad couldn’t throw him around anymore and it was all yelling all the time. And then Mom died, and Dad tried to blame Tommy for that too. So, Tommy left. Joined the army.”

The day Tommy told him about enlisting was one of Mikey’s most vivid memories.

2002

They were in the backyard trying to clear away the weeds from Mom’s vegetable garden even though neither of them really knew what was a weed and what was supposed to be there. Tony had gotten bored and wandered off towards the back of the yard, by the fence line which was overgrown and the perfect place to look for sticks and insects. “There’s something I gotta tell you,” Tommy said, pulling at a fluffy looking stem only to reveal that it wasn’t a weed but some sort of mutant looking carrot.

They both stared at the carrot for a moment, with its many twisting limbs that almost made it look like a little person dancing in the dirt.

“Wonder if it tastes any good?” Mikey asked. He gave it a sniff and it didn’t smell like carrot, only dirt.

“Wanna find out?” Tommy tossed him the carrot and waited until Mikey took a bite of the bitter, gritty, weirdo carrot before continuing. “I enlisted.”

Mikey spat out the carrot, panic rising through him like a growing flame. “In the army?”

Tommy nodded, pulling out a dandelion stem. “Yeah.”

“But we need you,” said Mikey. He knew it was supposed to be this big brave thing, joining up to get revenge for 9/11, but other people’s brothers could be brave in Afghanistan. Not Tommy. “We just lost Mom. And Dad—” no need to finish that sentence. The whole reason they were out there in the back yard was because Dad was home sleeping off his latest bender and they wanted to keep him asleep for as long as possible.

Tommy sighed. “I can’t stay here, Mikey.”

“Then move out and take us with you,” said Mikey. “We can live together.”

Tommy smiled at that, like he liked the idea and for a moment Mikey was hopeful, but then Tommy had to go and shake his head. “I don’t have any money, Mikey,” said Tommy. “Not enough for rent and groceries and school supplies for you and Tony. You think we’re poor now, it’ll be worse if we all leave.”

“I don’t care about that,” said Mikey. “You can’t leave us alone with him. I can get an after-school job. I can help out.”

Tommy put his hand on the back of Mikey’s head. “I promise you, I’ll come back for you,” he said. “As soon as my contract’s up, I’ll come get you and Tony and we can leave this town and never look back.”

“Promise?” Mikey asked.

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” said Tommy.

2025

Mikey shook himself out of the memory. He was still standing in that church basement, a circle of alcoholics around him, in the middle of telling the story about how he’d started drinking. Where was he? Oh yeah, Tommy joining the army. “I don’t blame Tommy. Not for leaving. Maybe I blame him for not coming back though. Okay, there’s no maybe about it. I do blame him and for a long time I was so angry about it I never stopped to think about it from his point of view.” But that was getting ahead of himself. “With Tommy gone, Dad needed someone else to blame for his problems and he picked me.”

Mikey didn’t want to go into the details, not here. Not now in front of a group of relative strangers. He didn’t even want to get into it in his own head, not until his therapist eventually dragged it out of him kicking and screaming. “Anyway, I needed an escape,” he said. “And hey, booze seemed to work for Dad, so why not me? Except, like Dad, it made me worse. Made me say awful shit to people I love. Made me do things I never woulda done if I was sober.”

Mikey didn’t know how long he’d been talking. He should probably start wrapping things up, but he needed to say his piece. “Tommy’s helicopter crashed,” he said. “Two years into his six-year contract. Six months out of flight school. I don’t know what happened, exactly but they shipped him home from Afghanistan and gave him an honourable discharge. Medical. He was pretty banged up, but it was the PTSD that was the worst bit. But I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time. I was sixteen, spent most of the time I wasn’t in school drinking under the overpass.

“So, I get this bright idea in my head – at least it seemed like a bright idea after raiding my dad’s liquor cabinet – that me and my little brother could go and live with Tommy now that he’s back,” Mikey shook his head. “I took Tony to the VA hospital to see Tommy. He was pretty out of it, covered in bruises, probably barely aware we were there. I asked him if we could live with him. Never doubted he’d say yes, cuz Tommy was always there for us when we needed him.” Mikey shook his head. “Only this time he wasn’t. Said we had to go home, back to Dad or to our aunt’s. I was still drunk, and it pissed me off cuz before he left he promised we’d be together when he got back. I, uh,” Mikey was ashamed of this next bit, “I called him a fa—” The word had been so easy to say when he was sixteen and drunk. Now, it stuck in his throat. Maybe that was progress. “Called him a slur. He told me to leave. Didn’t see him again for almost twenty years. Until my Nonna’s funeral.” Mikey shook his head. “He looked good. Not happy of course; it was a funeral, but he’s got a guy and they’re getting married and I’m happy for him. I just wish I coulda been there for him the way he was for me when we were kids.” Mikey wasn’t sure how long he’d been rambling for or if he’d made any sense, but it was probably time to wrap things up. “Anyway, I uh said that when I was drunk and for a long time, I didn’t see anything wrong with what I said. I was just so caught up in being angry and trying to make myself feel better that I never thought about how I hurt my brother. Kicked him when he was down. I wanna fix that. I’m gonna try to fix it.”

Mikey sat back down.

#

He called Tommy back after his meeting.

It went to voicemail and Mikey didn’t know if that meant Tommy was off doing some heroic rescue down in LA or if he was screening his calls or what, but Mikey left a message. “Hey, Tommy, it’s me Mikey, your brother. Which is probably pretty obvious unless you know another Mikey. I, uh, wanted to say congratulations on your engagement. Auntie G, told me and I, uh, I’m happy for you. And yeah, I wanna talk. Wanna try being brothers again, whatever that means. Heck, if you wanna go to family therapy, I’m down. Already doing that with my kids on top of my own therapy and going to AA meetings. And yeah. Text me some dates and I’ll see when Tony’s free and we’ll fly down to LA to see you. No need for you to come back up here. I’m sure you’ve got a lot of shit memories of this town, and I’d rather do this some place you’re more comfortable.” Mikey really had diarrhoea of the mouth today, didn’t he? “Anyway, let me know. Love you.”

He hung up and only then realised how he’d finished his message. He almost panicked, but why shouldn’t a guy tell his brother he loved him, huh? He’d been reading about the toxicity of men not being allowed to share their emotions and how damaging it was and that had really resonated with him, so why not tell his brother he loved him? Nothing wrong with that. It was healthy even.

Mikey sighed and checked the time. It was getting on towards midnight. Oh, maybe that was why Tommy hadn’t answered. He was probably asleep. Tony wouldn’t be asleep though. Tony was a night owl, always had been. The guy had been impossible to get to sleep when he was little and hadn’t changed a bit since. So, Mikey called his younger brother.

“You better not be in jail, Mikey,” said Tony, picking up after the second ring.

“They don’t let you use your own phone in jail, dumbass,” said Mikey. Although, to be fair Mikey didn’t usually call his younger brother after midnight unless he needed bailing out. “Nah, it’s about Tommy.”

Tony’s sharp intake of breath was audible over the line. “What about him?”

“He called me,” Mikey said. “I gave him my card back at the funeral. It’s been so long, figured it wasn’t gonna happen. But Tommy called me this afternoon. He wants to see us. To talk to us.”

Tony stayed quiet for a long time and maybe Mikey had overstated to both Tommy and Aunt Gina how much Tony was actually interested in rekindling a relationship with their estranged older brother. But surely Tony would give it a chance, right? Give Tommy a chance? Sure, what happened sucked, but it had been twenty years since then, surely, they were all adult enough to sort things out and move on?

Finally, Tony spoke. “You really want to do this?” he asked.

“I do,” said Mikey. “I want my brother back. I want to do it right. I found this thing called PFLAG, sounds a bit like AA but for people with gay family members.”

“I know what PFLAG is,” said Tony. “My best friend’s a lesbian, remember.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Mikey because, yeah, he’d forgotten. “Any way, I think I’m gonna go to a couple meetings. Check it out.”

“Good for you,” said Tony.

“You wanna come?” Mikey asked.

Tony chuckled. “If you want to invest all this energy right off that bat, Mikey, go for it,” he said. “But I’m not going to a PFLAG meeting until after we talk to Tommy. Now, when’s that going to be?”

“I’ll let you know,” said Mikey. “Think you can take time off to come down to LA with me?”

Tony sighed. “Yeah. I can swing that.”

“Just don’t tell Dad,” said Mikey.

“I know,” said Tony. “I’m not an idiot, Mikey.”

“Good,” said Mikey. “Yeah, anyway. I’ll text you.”

“Bye, Mikey,” said Tony.

Mikey looked down at his phone. Looked around his mostly empty apartment with it’s eggshell white walls and rented furniture and clean floors. There weren’t any toys to trip over, no crayon scribbles on the walls, no stains on the upholstery and maybe some people would have thought that was a good thing, but to Mikey, it just spoke to how empty his life had become since the divorce. To the hole gnawing away at his innards every time he had to say goodbye at the end of his supervised visits with the girls.

A brother wasn’t a kid, but both were family and Mikey wanted so desperately to have his family back.

[jodilin65]

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 1997 My parents just got a computer! I went to check my email and there was a message from them. She said they got a computer, but don’t know how to use it yet. I sent back a reply letting them know they could contact us by phone or email with any questions.

Then I called her and asked if she wanted to go on live, but she was beat. She has a cold and she and dad were sleeping. Dad doesn’t have his own screen name so they both get their messages at that email address. She says they don’t like to use AOL too much, cuz then people can’t call them.

I told her it was too bad we couldn’t have been there to help set things up and teach them things and she agreed.

So, now I’ll save some more on postage and I’ll just be writing to Kim, Shelly, Paula and Larry.

I’m psyched to say that Tom bought us a stackable washer and dryer today. They’ll both be in the house, so no more having to go into the garage to dry clothes. There are only a few minor inconveniences to it. I can’t wash and dry at the same time, they’re of smaller capacity, and the lint catcher is at the back of the dryer. So I’ll need to stand on a chair to empty it out.

I’m also psyched to say that Tom’s been getting a lot done around the house. He mowed and did so many things and I really appreciate that.

I don’t know if we’ll have time for fun today or tomorrow, but we’ll see.

Now he’s at our second house, mowing its yard.

Joely and Mike did go elsewhere last night. I heard them slam in just before midnight last night.

I miss those days when there was not only no loud, bassy music, but excessive barking and door-slamming too, but again, it’s minor compared to the music and now that he’s back there’ll be more company and I’m sure that if there’s no music or screaming or ball games tomorrow, there’ll be plenty of car doors. I’m sure they’ll have 3-4 cars come to see them. It’s now coming up on 4:00 now, so I should start hearing them anytime now.

Later…

I just heard 3 car doors, then a motor start. Then a few minutes later I heard two more car doors, then a motor start and the car leave, but good God! Arizona really is the state for those that just don’t give a shit about their dogs. Before they got in, this dog just went on and on non-stop. If I had a gun I’d shoot it and the other two as well. I have to remember, though, that it’s either this or the music and God knows this, too. He knows that if the dogs were gone, the music would be back and I do, too. I can’t have nothing at all to have to listen to.

Tomorrow, we’ll be getting a new piggy! I’m looking forward to that, although we’ll always miss Piggy. But fate is fate. It was his time to go and now it’s our time to move on. You can either fight fate and make yourself more miserable, or you can accept fate and move on and cherish the good memories.

Later…

More company just came or left earlier and the dog was going mad. The only other thing I heard was some voices and someone was howling. I’m not sure if the howling was next door, unless the person that did it, did it from inside with an open window. You gotta be crazy to have your windows open at this time of year, but they don’t mind the heat. I’m sure the howling and other noise was all staged for me (you do them a favor and they still don’t give a shit), but it could’ve been the people next to them, cuz they too, have a lot of company and tend to get wild and loud.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 1997 I was wrong about those who climb and trim palm trees. Tom says they do wear spikes that they attach to their shoes.

Yesterday, in the late afternoon and early evening hours, next door had some door-slamming company, but that’s all.

Andy’s new car turned out to have problems, so now he’s got to get yet another one and his mother’s sending him a grand. He left a message asking if Tom could go with him to look for a new car. Tom told me to tell him that yes, he could, but you can’t tell what’s going on inside a car by looking at the outside of it. He may also want to try to get a car at a certified used car dealership cuz they have warranties.

A CD I want that I sent to Tammy under a bogus name, arrived at her place today. She’s gonna send it to me. I hope!

Here goes the door slamming. Right on schedule, too. Mike’s never done this before. When he lived here the last time, I mean. What is it that he needs to keep getting out of his car so often? They don’t have any company now, but they’re just getting going now, so their company will be here anytime from about now - 9 PM. Why does everybody have to come and see Joely and Mike, though? Can’t Joely and Mike go see them?

Also, I would’ve loved to have shot their dog while I was hanging out clothes. On and on and on it went for about 10 minutes straight, just a few feet away from me. Well, I still say that they know, and God knows, that it’s either the dog and doors or the music and I’ll take the dog and doors.

Except for car doors a few times, no problems with next door so far.

Got letters today from Kim and Bob. Bob’s was a bore as usual and Kim says she’s still with Walter, which is good. Also, she’s gonna be sending more jokes. I’ll be looking forward to them.

It’s a good thing that he’s been too busy to get the dryer, cuz now our washer’s acting up for the hundredth time. So, we may look into getting a stackable washer/dryer and put that where our washer is now and that’d be super nice to have.

Another kisser in the house. As I’ve said before, Piggy used to give me kisses all the time. Well, it looks like Bunny’s taken over the job for him, cuz last night and tonight, he kissed away.

Although I don’t agree with some of what Tom says, I do appreciate his insight and yes, I do think about the things he says and consider its possibilities, whether or not I still believe what I believe.

He said he didn’t think it was wise to decide not to go to a doctor, any more than it’s wise to say we will. He said, “I believe we won’t need a doctor” (remember, this bed is supposed to give us a normal sex life) but let’s not close our minds to anything. Let’s see what happens, leave our doors open to any possibility, and not put time frames on things.”

I understand what he’s saying, it does make sense, and I suppose he’d be more in a hurry if I were gaining on 40 if he really wanted a child. However, I know what’s ahead for us - the same old sex life. I know I’m sterile, he won’t admit it and I’m sure he’ll always deny I’m sterile and keep the cumming infrequent, so it can’t become even more obvious that I’m right, cuz he doesn’t want to deal with it. I just wish to hell he wouldn’t be afraid to cum regularly, see that I truly am sterile, deal with it, etc.

He also says that God knows if a woman’s going to have a child and when, but he doesn’t control when. I disagree. Yes, he knows who’ll have kids and when, but I believe he does control when. He’s the one who decides who has kids, how many, and when. He knew what he was doing the day he sterilized me, with or without the help of a devil.

He also thinks it’s not wrong and controlling for a woman of about 20 to say she’s gonna wait till she’s in her 30s to have kids. He thinks it’s OK to make choices like that, but again, I agree with part of this. I believe that all women should have the right to not only choose when they have a child but to have the right to choose to have one in the first place. This doesn’t mean I’m for psychos having the right to choose to have a child or for a 15-year-old to have the right to run out and get pregnant, but you know what I mean. I think that some of us have more rights than others, as I’ve said before, but God didn’t give me a choice. He didn’t give me the choice or the right to have a child.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 1997 Piggy’s gone now. He died last night at around 7:45. It’s been hard and although I’ve been crying on and off and missing him, I guess you could say I’m also looking forward to whoever the next piggy shall be.

Yesterday, Tom was kind enough to get me 3 new straight tubes and 1 T-tube so I could take my mind off of things by enjoying doing a new design on Teddy Bear’s cage. While I was working on his cage and while Tom sat at the computer, Piggy mustered up incredible strength and turned around and glanced at me. Tom and I were amazed, seeing how he could barely move for a few days. Then shortly after, Tom went to bed and then it hit me - he turned to look at me to say goodbye. I then went and checked and he was gone.

Tom put him in a box and I wrote on the box: October 1993 - August 1997 - I love you.

Then Tom put him in his little room, then left for work. I didn’t go into the back room much after cuz I kept looking at the door to his little room.

I was up late since I was rather distraught and didn’t get up till noon. He had buried Piggy earlier by the palm trees. I’m just so glad to have Tom be there for me and I’m glad I still have the other animals.

Andy and I left messages for each other. He got a new car and asked me how I was doing since I told him about Piggy.

Hopefully, next door won’t bother me on Monday. I’m glad I took in her delivery, cuz I was curious to see what’d happen, but after thinking about it, I don’t think that they’ll use that nice gesture of mine as a reason to continue being quiet. I think they may take advantage of it instead, and think that cuz I took in something for them after yelling at them that means I don’t hate them, so it’s OK to act up with the music. Yesterday we heard music and we’re not positive it was them and yes it was at an OK volume, but if it was them, it seemed a little pushy and testy to me. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens, but meanwhile, I’ll give a full report on all the weekend’s events.

Later…

One more thing - well, I was just out back when someone called out, “Do you think it’s gonna rain?” I looked around and couldn’t see anybody. Then, I spotted a guy on his way down from the palm tree he’d just trimmed that’s across the street behind the old man. I said it might, and asked if that was a scary job. He said no and showed me how he could let go with his hands. They don’t have any spiked shoes or anything, just a chain that wraps around their waist. They just climb up with their feet and hands. My God!

Next door came in quietly. I only knew they arrived by the doors. Well, I think he arrives by car at around 5-something. She comes and goes with a ride that picks her up and drops her off at 4-something. She and the kid have a routine, I guess. As soon as they get in, they go straight out back for a couple of hours. How can they take the heat and humidity? Well, they are heat lovers after all. It seems that the hotter it is, the more they might be out and about, so I wish to hell it’d be cool and better yet, rain like hell on Labor Day, but I’m sure it’ll be nice and hot for them if they do end up partying. My schedule will be such that I’ll be up so they can’t wake me and I’ll use the earplugs if they bother me. If they’re gonna party that day, they won’t start until late afternoon - early evening. Except for getting up for work and other early responsibilities they may have, these people are not early birds.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 1997 I forgot to mention that a few weeks ago Marla wrote me a little poem called Mystery. This was after we shared each other’s poems and songs. I forgot to print it out. Anyway, she said to write one for her about whatever I wanted to and yesterday, the words just suddenly popped into my head and I came up with Closer with the Distance. It’s in my songs file on the computer and I’ll also write it in my written journal.

Tom slept 8 hours yesterday after being up for a long time. Then, he said he was tired but that he still felt like he could run a marathon, but wouldn’t touch me. He ended up going back to sleep 5 hours after he got up to get even more sleep, but why wouldn’t he touch me last night? Cuz he knew it was a good time for catching babies if you’re a normal woman that can do that, that’s why. I wanted to shake him and scream at him - I’m not fertile!!!

Anyway, we all can’t help what scares us, but we did have some great fun today. He said he had a mini orgasm, then tried to do a big one after and that the increased frequency of sex is getting him in shape for it. I don’t think he came at all the more I think about it, but it was still a lot of fun and as long as we have sex more often, that’s all that really matters. As long as he’s happy, it’s OK. It’d bother me more if I were fertile and had a normal shot at a child, but if this is what makes him happy, I want him to be happy and I don’t want him to ever do anything that’ll scare him. I also realize more and more that maybe it really, really is best to hang onto our freedom and our time together and once again, if we had all our dreams granted, what would be left? Also, it may be good for me to not get the things I want really bad, cuz it’s both a punishment for anything I’ve ever done wrong in my life and it does me well by making me stronger and more used to losing or just never getting the things I really want most. If something’s not meant to be, you don’t have to put any effort into making sure it doesn’t happen, but it still makes me feel stronger and a better person for going along with fate, so to speak. I think that the more I look at the bright side of never having a kid and the reasons why it couldn’t and shouldn’t be, and the more I don’t fight against fate but go along with it, the stronger and happier I’ll feel.

Miraculously, Piggy’s still hanging in there. I say miraculously, cuz it’s been almost 48 since he’s had any food or drink. I don’t know how he can hang on like this, but he is. I also don’t know how much longer he can go without food or water, but we just can’t get him to eat or drink.

Tom and I talked more about what Mom said and we both disagree with her. First of all, vets really only deal with cats and dogs and Piggy’s so old. Also, this is how they go in the end and there’s nothing that can be done. Once a GP gets sick, they never get better, cuz they have no immune system.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27, 1997 I was going to go tubing and rearrange T-Bear’s cage, but I am just too hot. Too hot for even the coffee I’d like right now. Unlike yesterday, which was mild temperature-wise and stormy, it’s very hot out now. It’s humid and will only be around 100º today, but it’s still hot. I just came in from hanging out sheets, so till I cool off, I think I’ll sit and update the several things that are going on.

I’m sorry to start off with bad news, but Piggy’s dying. Just when we thought he’d be okay, he’s now doing what they do when they’re on their way out; not eating or drinking and just laying around without moving much.

I talked to my mom and dad earlier, who said it was a nice letter that I sent Marty and Ruth, and Mom said that if it were her animal, she’d have taken it to the vet as soon as his eye problem became apparent. I told her that I guess Tom and I made a bad judgment call and she said we sometimes do, but perhaps they would’ve said that there was nothing they could do, as we both figured. Still, even though I’m virtually certain there’s nothing that could’ve been done, I feel guilty. What if this could’ve been prevented since medicine always improves with time?

I first noticed something was wrong yesterday when he didn’t come running out to wait for his share of popcorn when I made it. He just stayed quiet and still in his house. Then when I pulled him out, I knew. He was limp and weak, and he still hadn’t eaten anything other than a few measly bites of lettuce. Although this is part of life and I’ve been through this before, it’s hard. He would’ve been 4 years old real soon, but as long as he continues not to eat, he will die.

I have Bunny outside in case what Piggy has is contagious. Bunny was cleaning Piggy and trying to comfort him, so I put him, his water, pellets, and his toy outside. I know he’s okay out there and that he can take it at 100º, but I just don’t see how people can store their dogs in their yards 24/7. I mean, even just with this being just a few days at the most, is heartbreaking. I feel like I’ve tossed him outside like he’s an old used-up piece of furniture, but he is fine and I do go out and say hello periodically.

Next door had company that day I said I heard car doors in the early afternoon, but it was fine. There was no music that I know of, but I heard kids’ voices in the backyard. Older kids. As if 2-3 came to visit and I can’t believe they didn’t go right for the basketball hoop. I don’t know how the hell they could stand it out back, but they were there for hours, and on that day, it had to be well over 100º.

After only having a few hours of sleep yesterday cuz of Piggy, Tom’s asleep now and doesn’t have to work tonight cuz he’s done so much overtime. This is great, cuz he needs his sleep and we have to do everything we can do to keep him from getting the colds he gets every 2-3 months. However, it is inevitable that he gets these colds every 2-3 months. It’s part of the plan, meant to be, and it will happen.

I feel really, really bad about some of the things I’ve written about his mother. Yes, I feel that she has been selfish and that she should’ve put more effort into letting Tom and other family members live their lives since she’s got free transportation from Cigna. (although Tom and Mary don’t want her going to doctors alone) However, she has a blood disease that will surely kill her. It’s just not known when cuz they don’t know what causes this, there is no cure for it, and how fast it progresses can vary. Her bone marrow is just producing really bad blood.

Tom told me the other day that she would be very happy to see us have a child. Great, but once again, if I were okay, how? How would we find the time? If we just had to take care of our house and needs, that’d be tough enough, but with balancing caring for her and fixing Mary’s car like he just did, and fixing whatever for others, how are we gonna have the time? Then, after it was born, who’d take care of her then? Tom says it’d be no big deal, we could work it out, and Mom would still get plenty of attention as well as the child, but I don’t know. The way Tom’s so busy with so many things, convinces me all the more that he doesn’t want a child as much as he says and that he just doesn’t want to take the time out from his hectic schedule to deal with it (not that he usually has a choice), even though he says that’s all in my imagination. I know it’s not in my imagination, cuz if it were, he’d cum more. Tired or not, he’d cum more, since he gets hard all the time with no problem, is attracted to me and loves me, etc. Maybe it’s in his subconscious and he doesn’t know how scared he really is. I just wish that subconsciously or consciously, he could see that he has nothing to fear no matter how much he cums. I know Tom’s very different and could get by just fine without ever cumming with me, but I hate to see him have to sacrifice cumming with his wife out of fear.

I also wish he’d stop insisting that this bed is gonna help us oh so much. Beds can’t help people and I don’t see how he could really believe this. It sounds more like he’s just saying this to tease me and get my hopes up for nothing. Well, believe me, I don’t have an ounce of hope up cuz I know better. I know that Tom just likes to disagree with me and I know Tom. Tom doesn’t have a big sex drive and he doesn’t want to cum much and is afraid to. He still denies this, but he always will. He says he’s not afraid to deal with and face things. And that he doesn’t fear to pursue things and that it’s better to accept and deal with things than to turn away and deny them, but I know him better. It isn’t just about his fear. It’s about his making me wait, etc.

I also wish I knew why he lied to me the other day. He did tell me a lot of times in the beginning that he liked children, could handle the responsibility of it, and be a good father, but that he didn’t know if he wanted that. He’s said that and similar things many times and would tell me he was virtually positive I wouldn’t ever have a child. Then he said that he said this, cuz I said I didn’t want them and was sterile, so he took me for face value. Well, I am sterile, but I didn’t think I’d ever want one again after the NHA, but after we met, I did want one. He said he’s always wanted one. I asked him why he didn’t have any with his first wife and he said it was cuz she didn’t want any. He wants a kid, his first wife doesn’t, his second wife’s sterile - gee, he seems really bummed out about it, too!

Nothing’s ever gonna change here, bed or not. I’ll go on being sterile and he’ll go on with his low drive and not cumming much at all. And with telling me what he thinks I want to hear and therefore, he’ll make promises that he knows damn well he won’t keep and say he’ll get off more and that we’ll have more sex. Although, sometimes we do have more sex.

Once again, though, it’s a hell of a coincidence that Piggy gets sick at this time. Again, why is something acting like there’s a pregnancy to miss when it’s been proven several times that there’s nothing to miss?

Another thing about Mom is that according to the doctor, she’s gonna have no choice but to live with someone, but when this will happen is not known. At some point, she’ll end up at Mary’s and I personally think that’d be the best thing for her. Although she stubbornly clung to hang onto her house, which is thoroughly understandable, I think it’d be great for the entire family if she lived over there. There, they have 3 bedrooms and she can even have her own bathroom, too. Tom will go over and string up phone wires so she can have her own phone, too. What I wonder though is - will she keep the house when she moves? Or will she sell it? I hope she’ll sell it cuz then that’d be a burden on us to have to keep up and care for a house and lawn where no one lives. It’ll be a big move to move her and sell her house and the stuff she won’t take with her, but it’d be well worth it and she would definitely be more comfortable at Mary’s than here, cuz of the layout of Mary’s house. It would’ve been nice having her here, but I don’t know if she’d have liked that. Thank God for Mary, though, cuz if it weren’t for her, everything would be on Tom. This way, we won’t have to worry so much about her with her having someone there all the time. Also, it’ll save Tom a lot of time. And Mary, too.

If I didn’t know any better and didn’t get the two bad periods I got the last two months, I’d wonder if I were pregnant now. Omitting the fact that I’m not nauseous or tired, I’m up to 110 pounds, I’m very bloated, pissing all the time, hungry all the time, and my tits are killing me.

Later…

Oh boy. The doorbell just rang, and I thought that maybe it was a package for us, if not some salesperson, but it was a flower delivery for her next door. I think that maybe I shouldn’t have taken it cuz I can’t picture her accepting something for us, she always seems mad and hateful and she never gave a damn about us, but it’s too late now. How much do you want to bet, though, that she won’t even bother coming to get it? And if she does want them, she’ll send Mike or someone else over? Well, now I’m curious to see what does or doesn’t happen and if this has an effect on the possible Labor Day party. The delivery butch left a note on her door to let her know they were there.

Guess this proves that it is just her and Mike there and that no one’s there during the weekdays.

Later…

Wow! Miss Joely herself came over to get the flowers. When I opened the door she said, “Hi. Did they make a delivery here?” She thanked me twice and I told her it was no problem and she was actually very nice. I thought that if she or anyone came over, she’d seem snotty about it or ask that I never again accept any deliveries for her, but nope. Tom was right. This girl is bone thin. Thinner than me, so I wondered if it was someone else that I saw when they first arrived here, cuz I could’ve sworn that the woman I saw at first had a motherly body and a different hairstyle. Also, this woman’s voice seemed softer and not as low-pitched or as loud as the voice I remember hearing at first. The voice I heard when they had that huge party around June 8th of 96 was a much fiercer, loud and butchy type of voice. I’m not saying I haven’t seen this woman before, though, and I also believe I saw her that time I yelled at her, that Indian or Hispanic guy, and whoever else. Maybe this other woman, if there really was some other woman, only lived there for a while at first. Or never did, but was just a friend or something, cuz this lady doesn’t really seem like the type to not care and it has been quiet since that morning. And I’m glad I took the flowers and helped her out.

The funny thing about it is that after I handed her the flowers and stepped back inside, she didn’t head to her house, but the opposite way. Like maybe the flowers were from an unwanted admirer and she was heading for the dumpster?

Lisa called collect the other day and she was pretty bummed out. She said she has a social worker and that it’s not that she doesn’t like her or feels she can’t talk to her, but that she’d rather talk to me most of all. She doesn’t feel like she can tell anyone else all she can tell me.

I asked her if this social worker was ordered by the state or if it was something her mom went and got and she said her mom wanted it. She said she’s been depressed, but her mom either denies it or just doesn’t want to deal with it and she doesn’t want Lisa on pills, even though Lisa said the doctor says she needs them (all doctors say that). I was quite shocked to hear this cuz I know Tammy’s always been for labeling people’s feelings/emotions/problems and for using pills as a solution, but then I realized something that made me quite happy and flattered. If what I think is true. I think that maybe after Mom, dad and she believed for so long that I needed pills in order to live, watched me go through the side effects, and then saw that I didn’t need pills but a better life instead, this might’ve spared Lisa the consequences that come from taking pills.

Anyway, she said that everything seemed to be hitting her at once. Her father’s illness and the fact that she hasn’t gotten along with her folks which she admits has gotten better. And cuz of an 18-year-old friend of hers that killed himself. He was a troubled troublemaker and his dad was really hard on him. He was about to be arrested for robbing gas stations, then he hung himself at the town hall. She also feels that she’s been having to spend too much time alone and that she wishes she could spend more time with her mom. She’s afraid to cry in front of others, though, and feels that this would make her appear wimpy.

I told her to let her feelings be known and to never be afraid to accept and show her emotions. I also told her that if someone thought she was a wimp for crying, then they were the wimps.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 1997 I have so much to write about that I wish I’d kept notes. I’ll try to remember what I can.

The weekend was peaceful and enjoyable, except for one thing that is a never-ending suspicion for me - Tom’s fear of cumming.

There was no music from next door, but they fucking slammed their doors in the late afternoons like crazy! Also, it is he who lives there. At least, I’m pretty sure it is now. There is no longer a maroon car that stays there, but a dark gray car. Not the car that Tom saw before, but a different one. Well, I always did feel that this guy was a car dealer and it looks that way more than ever. For all I know, there’ll be a green car next week, a yellow car the week after that, and a gold car the week after that.

I don’t know if the freeloader just left for the first time today or if he just pulled in to quickly get something, but I just heard a voice, looked out over there, and saw the car door close, then he left. There was music at a very soft volume and it better stay that way. I’m not looking forward to Labor Day, though. Cuz if this is him and not someone else who doesn’t prefer loud music and to bug their neighbors, I’ll be hearing them then. I won’t go over there, though, cuz it’ll be a holiday, but I won’t look forward to that day, either. Last time I saw Mike, he was bald, so maybe the guy I saw talking to the white guy was him with his hair grown in. Who knows? They all look the same.

I gave dad his last call on either Friday or Saturday, as ma was due back the next day. It was so nice to chat with him and do our phone thing we do when she goes away and leaves him free to do as he wishes. He didn’t bitch about my calls at all and he listened and chatted with me.

Tammy said the visit with Mom was nothing new and that she bitched at her for everything she does. That’s what Lisa told me, too. It figures she’d have to do this in front of the kids! She may have made some changes throughout the years, but for the most part, that lady will never change! She thinks that everything she does is right and everyone else is wrong and yet she’s so insecure with her own self that she has to bash others constantly. Instead of being polite as a guest in someone’s house should be, she had to go there and be a nagging, rude, bitch. And as usual, she did it when Bill wasn’t around. That’s the only reason our visit went so well; cuz Tom was around the whole time. There’s something about her wanting our husbands and friends to think she’s wonderful, so that’s why she only attacks us when she can get us alone.

I don’t know what it is with these tits of mine, but the vitamin E and the cutting out the caffeine are totally useless. Once again, my tits are getting way too sore too early and I’ll be getting an early rag just as I figured I would. See, something up there is acting like there’s something to miss. Tom was too scared to even go in there much and I don’t care how much he lies and denies it or says he believes I’m even gonna have twins. The only reason he says I’m gonna have a child and that I’ll have twins is cuz he loves to disagree with me. If I said I was fertile and wanted more than one child, he’d say I may have something wrong with me and that if not, he couldn’t see me having any more than one kid. He’s totally obsessed with opposites when dealing with me.

The weekend was both fun and productive. We got things done and we got to spend more time together both in and out of bed, but when he started to go in me from up top after we’ve been doing this a while now, then just “couldn’t” get in, I knew. I knew he was scared. So, we’ve gone back to the side position, since there are problems and excuses with doing just the top (till there are too many problems once again with going back to the old way of the side, then the top) and once he got on his side. He didn’t cum and of course it was sooooo obvious he knew he wouldn’t and didn’t want to. I said it was nice that he’s keeping at least half of his promise, but what about the other half? His answer - that he’s not gonna cum every time. I reminded him that he said he would most of the time and he said he still would, but that I haven’t given it enough time to judge it, so give it a few weeks. I know he won’t. He won’t get off any more than he usually does. He knows that and I know that, but this is the last time my husband’s gonna lie to me.

He may be everything wonderful out of bed, but I just don’t know if I want to even bother having a child, if I could, with a man like this who has to play sex games. I just can’t win here, he’s just too stubborn for me to even begin to be able to get by him and break him of this cycle that’s gone on since we began and it’s not only impossible, but I just don’t know if it’s worth the bother, either.

Still saying he doesn’t see why our sex lives can’t be normal, too. If God wouldn’t interfere, then I don’t see why it couldn’t, either, but in order for this to happen, he’s gonna have to get off his game kick and over his baby/miscarriage fear. Or tell me the truth - that he doesn’t want to deal with what a baby or a miscarriage would entail and discuss birth control with me, even though I know we don’t need that.

He says that cuz our sex lives didn’t start off spontaneous, unplanned, and like most couples, it held us back, but now that we know we can do all the normal sex acts, in different positions, like most people know up front, we can move on. Yeah, I see what he��s saying, but moving on is up to him. Not up to us and not up to me. It takes 2 to move on and there’s only been 1 of us willing to do that. He’s moved on, but he’s also done some planning, too. He planned how and when he’d move on and if he ever does have it in mind to get off regularly, only he knows when he’ll allow himself to do so. Meanwhile, he’s gonna pin his reasons for not doing the normal thing on whatever he can to cover his ass until and if he’s ever ready to make a move and move on. That is, as long as God permits it.

He didn’t get to mowing the yard, checking out dryers, trimming bushes/hedges, or other things, but he filmed Bunny, and if he’s got a problem with any of these 3 shots and wants to do it again, uh-uh. Enough is enough already. We’ve got some good enough shots we can mix in and send off.

He also saw his ma and other family members and worked on his car. He took the backseat out cuz it’s ugly and he wants to upholster it. Before we do this, though, we may be able to get Andy’s door over here ourselves, cuz now he can go right through the back of the trunk with it and into the backseat.

The reason why he didn’t do as much is cuz he’s being more “lazy.” You know how he was saying that most guys are lazy and that that’s why they’ve got plenty of energy for cumming more? Well, this is why he’s doing this, which is nice, but kind of a big show at the same time. These times he didn’t get off were at the start of his day. Before he did anything to tire himself out.

We did have more spontaneous and unplanned sex, though, and I liked it. It was a lot of fun, except for one teasing thing he did. I thought we’d do the side position, then he’d go up top. But not cum, of course. Well, he went straight on top, just rubbed my clit with his dick, which felt good, but then he made it appear that he was gonna go inside, then pulled away, then went down on me. Then we did the side position and this is when it was really obvious that even though this was the only time he got brave enough to go in there all weekend, he wouldn’t be in there for long and he wouldn’t get off.

Well, 3 weeks from now on September 15th, how much do you want to bet I’ll be back to report that he came either 0-2 times since now? Trust me, it’ll be the same old, same old. If he’s gonna make a move, it won’t be till after we get the bed. Not right after, cuz then that’d be obvious, but if we get the bed around late October, he won’t squirt more till around the end of the year. If he ever does squirt more. He still may not want to and he may never get over his fears or ever have such strong desires as I do.

Things always happen later than he says. Some of it can’t be helped and some of it is his doing. If there were 3 things I’d change about him, it’d be concerning sex, his deliberately misplacing things I arrange around here to be different and for me to put it back where it goes, and his trying to force patience into me. He told me a week ago that this weekend that just passed would be the last time I had to hang clothes, but I know better. There’ll be a few more weeks of hanging clothes before we get the new dryer. I don’t mind hanging clothes at all. It’s just that it’s so damn hot and humid and I fear ant attacks, but he’s been kind enough to offer to do this for me. When I do it, though, I get into my suit and get wet first, then I go out. And I go out when it’s really hot, cuz then the ants are underground.

He said he looked at one of the beds we discussed getting, but that it seemed overrated, therefore, he thinks the other bed will be it. That’s what I told him I’m afraid of. This Do Not Disturb mattress idea is too good to be true and it can’t be all that they say it is. It’s got to be overrated, but he’s still sure we’ll get one. I’ll believe it when I see it, though, cuz that’s the pessimist I am and he’s been so sure of other things that either never happened or that happened way later than he said it would.

Tom and I enjoyed swimming together and chatting.

He took me to get two new journals on Saturday and this store we went to, that we’ve been to before, has a really great selection. This time, they had specialty journals for birthdays, anniversaries, traveling, etc. I got a do-it-yourself autobiography and it’s pretty neat. Technically, this book is for the elderly, since it’s broken up into the early years, the middle years, and the later years. I answered what I could of the early and middle years, which is most of the questions (there are 201 questions - one on each page), but I’ll use the later years as just a regular journal. Tom was kind enough to sit and read all the questions and answers I wrote.

The other day/night journal I got is cool with the way it flips upside down midway. This would’ve been great for back when I was doing stories. I could have two stories in different directions. However, I’m sure I’ll write through to the middle, then turn the book around and upside down and begin from the other end, till I meet up with the other side in the middle and end it there.

After picking up these journals, we went to Walgreens where I got Paula’s Arizona T-shirt that I hope will fit. We couldn’t find anything nice in a medium, so we got medium/large, but hopefully, she’ll like it and it’ll fit. I told her to let me know in the letter I sent, too.

Teddy Bear made his first escape. The plastic latch on the plastic door to Mary’s cage broke and I didn’t think he’d want to bother pulling his clumsy old self up and out of it, but he did. Thank God animals usually misbehave when their masters are around to give them attention for it, cuz who knows what else he’d have done if I weren’t up. When I got up, he was in his hideaway, then a little while later I heard unusual sounds and came to check. He was sitting on the desk that the bottom cage is on, munching on his food from the hole he chewed in the bag. He’s smart, too. There are two plastic bags there. One with connectors and cage parts and one with his food. He knew which one was his food, so he chewed a hole in the bag and helped himself.

Tom also got me some really nice new 3½ floppy disks. They’re different colored, see-through plastic. There’s yellow, green, red, and blue.

Jesus Christ! They’re over there slamming doors now. On a weekday afternoon? I thought they worked now. I just heard a few doors and the kid cry, but as annoying and as distracting as it is, I’ll take doors, dogs, and soft music or no music over loud, vibrating bass anytime.

Tom said I slept through a really, really loud stereo that passed by at 3 AM on Sunday. I’m surprised I did, but not surprised that someone had to blast through. People have no respect for others and that usually happens on weekends around here. Sometimes on weekdays, too, but not like on weekends.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 1997 Amazingly, I was able to send my sister a message about how I felt about her attitude, then she was able to reply to me and clear me up, then we were able to move on. Usually, when one brings a complaint against the other, we end up fighting and getting angry and hurt. Guess we’ve really come a long way.

In my message to her, I told her how I felt about her never even saying “thank you” for the things I take the time and effort to send her, even if some of it may not be stuff she’s really as interested in. And how she still seems to have a negative attitude towards others and also seems to have an I-don’t-care attitude.

In her reply to me, she told me she never meant to hurt me by teasing me and that I tease her too, but she always knew I still loved her and was grateful for anything she’s done for me.

This is true, and teasing is fine as is telling me her opinion about something I’ve sent, it’s just when she seems to not care, that it upsets me.

Anyway, she cleared me up and let me know she does use the mugs we sent, she looked at every drawing, but just doesn’t know much about art and failed it in school. She said to never think that just cuz she’s under stress she was ever ungrateful and that I was the only family member she had that she could talk to.

I let her know I was very sorry that I got the wrong idea and I thanked her for being appreciative and also let her know I understood her position and that we could keep on teasing each other about anything. We know what’s acceptable and she’d never tease me about my sterility any more than I’d tease her about her weight.

I talked to Dad yesterday for the 4th day in a row. Mom spent last night at Tammy’s.

What a stupid hamster I’ve got. He’s so obsessed with sleeping and eating in the tubes, that when he goes to empty out food he brings up in the rings of tubes I’ve now got set up, it falls down and out. If he’d just go into the hideaway, he wouldn’t have that problem and you’d think that that’d be more comfortable for him to sleep in, too.

Piggy’s doing well and it looks like this eye problem will not affect his health in any serious way.

Later…

OK, since this hamster just loves tubes so much, I redesigned it and made more flat parts for him to sleep in and to keep his food in.

Tom and I had a nice talk yesterday and it was sweet of him to tell me he didn’t want to break his promise to have more sex and that he wanted to know if I’d feel neglected if he fell asleep so he could be well rested to take care of ma. I may need to see him and talk to him daily, but I don’t need sex daily. About 3-4 times a week is good, but not once every week or two, either.

I sang earlier, but now I’m starving!

Later…

I’m back to 104. That was fast!

I had a nice chat with Shelly yesterday. She has no immediate plans to move yet. Her ex comes and takes the kids for the weekends and this is good, cuz although he was a cheater, he was a good father. Most of them don’t give a shit about kids. This also gives her a break and some freedom, so she can do as she pleases.

We got into the discussion of how everyone wants something they don’t have and can’t have. Her sister is sterile too, but Shelly envies her income. My sister perms her hair, while I straighten mine.

It’s interesting to hear different people’s beliefs and Shelly has a unique belief that I’ve never heard of before. She not only thinks there’s no God or devil, as do some people, but she thinks that there was a God a long time ago. I’ve never heard anyone tell me they thought there once was a God. She doesn’t think my sterility was caused by a God or a devil but by life and people. Meaning, the DES and all the meds I was on and shit like that.

Well, it took people to create the drug DES, but I still believe that God allowed it to happen. Maybe he and the devil together allowed pregnant women’s unborn babies to be exposed to this shit, so they could not have families of their own. And if it’s a case of the devil’s work alone, then God is either not as powerful as people think, or else he’d have stopped the devil, or he just doesn’t care. If God did this alone, then he’s either punishing me, protecting me or both. Either way, God’s either not the loving thing people say he stands for, or there is an evil force much stronger than he is. If there is a “good God” as people say, we need to see much, much, much more of him. So much more of him.

Later…

At 6:45, she leaves next door. How I know is cuz her ride pulls up to the curb but stays on the road and gives her a quick honk. At 8:30, he leaves from next door and although I can’t say for sure, cuz I only saw the car for half a second, it may not have been the maroon car, but the one Mike’s supposed to be driving. So, maybe it is him living there and that she and he made this little music for the dog deal, cuz I haven’t heard any music. I also haven’t heard much door-slamming and there hasn’t been any company lately. Labor Day will tell what the real scoop is. Whether it’s him or not, it’ll either prove or disprove my music for dog theory. Last Labor Day they partied, so if it’s him and if I’m right about the music-for-dog deal, then there won’t be a problem that day, but if it’s not him, he could be someone who just doesn’t party. Who knows?

Dogs don’t usually bark as much when their owners aren’t home. They bark more when their owners are home, cuz they want attention and not to be left outside and ignored. So, unless there are any more people in that household, it may not bark any more than it does now when the weather cools down. Then again, as soon as it does cool down - out comes the kids onto the monkey bars, which stirs up their dogs into barking like hell, which will stir this one up. It’ll be like a chain reaction.

Today’s the day Mom finds out her bone marrow test results. Both Mary and Tom are going with her. This is cuz Mary’s a pessimist, like me, and would need Tom for emotional support, should they tell Mom she’s terminally ill. Tom, who is optimistic about everything, too optimistic in an unrealistic way, thinks things are fine. I know they are. Why should ma be terminally ill? I just can’t think of any reason why she would be and most non-smoking females live into their 80s. Plus, she’s God’s excuse for keeping Tom as busy as he is so we don’t get to spend as much time together, so believe me - she ain’t going anywhere for years. It goes without saying that I love this lady dearly and want her to be around for a long time, but I still wonder just how much more free time we’d have if she weren’t around. At first, I’d say a lot more, but I don’t know. Wouldn’t God just use something else to fill Tom’s time? I would think so.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 1997 I knew I had to be wrong. I knew these people wouldn’t take their dogs in at night. Not in the day. Not at night. Not ever. I just heard next door’s dog. People are so cruel. Why would anyone want a dog just for the expense of it? Not to love it or give it any attention, but just to buy it food to bring to it and to scoop up their shit. Of course, next door didn’t get this dog for any purpose, other than the fact that I yelled at them that time at 6:30 in the morning.

How do they sleep through this (next door and next door to them)? That’s what I wonder. Most people don’t sleep with radios or fans on, so how do they sleep or get any peace in the daytime? Well, that security guard Dave, from the Vista, told me that he had to sleep with his radio on so his dog wouldn’t wake him up. What I just don’t get, though, is why doesn’t anyone out here allow their dogs inside? And does anyone care about their neighbors? Especially when out here, most neighbors are just a few feet apart from one another. People out here just don’t care about neighbors or pets. Not most people since the trailer dog have been gone since I passed my little note and the Mormons shut their kids up at my kindly request.

So, these two houses haven’t taken their dogs in at night. They’ve just been unusually quiet most of the time, compared to other summers and winters. I think it was about a year ago that they stopped their night barking and just barked through the days. This winter is gonna be maddening. It always is with the two dogs, but now there’ll be 3 dogs.

I can see a dog let out a few hours a day when the weather’s nice, but to leave them out 24/7 is totally cruel and neglectful. Especially when it’s really hot during the summer days and when it’s cold during the winter nights.

Piggy’s doing OK. He doesn’t appear to be ill or in pain, but the eye still looks horrible and he’ll always be blind in that eye. I just wish I knew for sure what it was and how he got it. Is it an infection? Is it an injury? And if it is an injury, did he get it from Bunny?

Like Tom said, I guess we’re in the wrong country, since the only people that want his software are in Germany. We got mail addressed to our business for the PrintBig program. Before that, someone from Germany wanted to buy some other software he put out before we were an item. The thing about it is that this person sent 20 marks and we don’t know if we can exchange it for greater or less in US dollars. Luckily, my husband works in a bank, so he can find this out. It took 3 dollars and two weeks for this to come all the way from Germany.

Later…

Tom will be taking his ma to get her bandages changed tomorrow after work. I just hope she doesn’t wear the hell out of him. She’s gonna have a zillion appointments and I worry about Tom’s lack of sleep and health. Not to mention how much of our time together we lose. The thing I don’t get about his mother is why doesn’t she take a cab. She can very easily afford it and if she knows Tom’s schedule and doesn’t want to bother the family, then why is it that she doesn’t use cabs? Is she afraid of riding with strangers? I guess that could be it, cuz I’ve never known or heard of her taking cabs and she’s never mentioned it. So, I guess there’s something about cabs that scares her.

We screwed yesterday and naturally, and as I knew, he was too beat to get off, but I enjoyed it. And as always, he says we’ll have more time together. He’s been saying that for years, but I know better - we’ll screw again in about a week.

I forgot to mention asking Tom why he could do physical projects for hours but had such a hard time with sex. He said that when doing a physical project, you can go at your own pace and dictate your own movements, unlike with sex. The blood is also everywhere when working on projects, but during sex, it’s all tied up in the dick.

Yes, this and his busyness is a good excuse, but I still don’t buy it all. Most guys are lazy, but what about the guys who work just as hard as he does? Gloria’s husband’s busier than all hell, but he managed to make their second kid without a problem. David and Evie both work full-time and they’ve got two kids. Our brothers had no problem. Our fathers had no problem. So, I still think a big part of it is that sex and making this kid he swears I can conceive and that he swears he wants isn’t what he really wants. It’s not his top priority and it’s certainly not God’s, either.

And speaking of this human nature thing with not wanting to assume something’s wrong, a part of me wishes I could be like that. I used to be like that and be like Tom. Afraid to find out what really would happen if I pursued something. Afraid to admit that something’s wrong, therefore, I’d deny it and say that when it came to something I wanted bad, it’d work out. I’d find a way to succeed and achieve my goal. So, Tom’s like the old me - afraid to deal with whatever the results may be of pursuing more sex with him cumming more.

It may be easier on me mentally if I were like this, but I don’t know, cuz in the back of my mind it’d be eating at me and I’d hear faint whispers saying that something was wrong and maybe I wasn’t supposed to have what I want. There’s no sense in postponing or denying reality. So, you either deny you’ve got a problem, then deal with reality later, or you deal with it head-on and from the get-go, and I guess it’s best to know there’s a problem up front and not deny it or try to turn away from it than say that maybe there is no problem and that it’s just been a case of being unlucky so far and not succeeding yet, but will in the end. I’d be lying to myself if I told myself not to assume I’m sterile, cuz I am.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 20, 1997 I will start with the wonderful news, before getting to the not-so-good news. I was totally shocked to get a letter from Paula B today! It was a wonderful surprise. I have written her back, too, and enclosed a picture of me and some desert scenery shots, as she asked for. I’ll look for an Arizona T-shirt as she also asked for, but not the suit.

I guess she got a PO Box cuz of how much she moves around.

I was amazed at how well she wrote and spelled that letter. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t like Fran, either. Fran misspelled every other word and used no punctuation at all. Paula just doesn’t use question marks and spells my name wrong like most people do.

Later…

Now for my not-so-cool news.

First off, I spoke with Dad and Larry yesterday. Ma didn’t stay overnight at Larry’s, but they went out to eat and to the cemetery and had an OK time.

However, during my chat with Lisa, she said that she and Tammy had a hell of a time together and that she even felt bad for her mom, cuz of how mom would yell at Tammy. Lisa also said her neighbor got on Tammy’s case for not giving Lisa anything for babysitting her sisters and cleaning the house. Lastly, Tammy bitched to Mom about my hair and drawings and said she checked them out, but said she didn’t care. Yeah, typical jealous, rude Tammy. She can’t even say a simple “thank you” when somebody takes the time to send her something. Instead, she’s got to say nothing at all or crack rude, selfish, jealous comments. Lisa says she even says wisecracks about her singing. Yeah, I know how it is. Tammy loves to cut down others, whether or not they’re good at something.

There’s something wrong with one of Piggy’s eyes. It’s all clear colored and oozing like something punctured it or he has an infection. If it’s a puncture wound, all we can think of is that Bunny accidentally kicked him with one of his sharp, long nails.

Tom said his mother’s not doing so well. She had to have a lot of stuff removed from her face, has a lot of stitches, and the dressings are all bloody. So tomorrow, he has to take her back in to get the bandages changed, then she has to go in Friday. Friday will also be the day they tell her the results of the bone marrow testing they did. Tom says that when you’re dealing with a person her age, they try to hold off discovering anything terminal, so they don’t have to worry or suffer as long.

Meanwhile, she’s at Mary’s house. I don’t know what we’d do without her, since no one else helps much, but this really, really has me worried about Tom. Once again, and at the risk of sounding selfish for us both - he needs to live his life. He needs to slow down and stop being so busy and so rundown. He denies it, but taking care of her runs him down and this is why he’s sick a lot. He says it’s from cigarette smoke. That could be, but I know what lack of sleep can do to a person and now I really see why God has denied us the right to a child. Not just cuz it’d kill me and cuz I couldn’t keep up with it, but cuz he couldn’t either, and it’d kill him. Then, who would take care of his mom? Who would take care of doing things that need to be done around our house? What about our time together? Her needing help around the house and with medical stuff really sucks up a lot of our time and getting things done around here. I don’t want to lose my husband, but I’m afraid she’s gonna end up killing him.

When I asked him why most guys cum way more than he does, he said it’s cuz most guys are lazy, so they still have energy for sex. Well, my husband certainly isn’t lazy, but when will God ever allow him to slow down and spend more time with me? Yes, his busyness and tiredness and sicknesses may be a good part of why we don’t have much sex and why he conks out too early in sex, but I still say a big part of it is God and him. I’ll never believe Tom when he says we’ll have more time, more sex, and a kid and I’ll never believe God gives a shit, either, as long as things stay the way they have been. Like I said, Tom has a point about why he cums so little, but what about the times when he first got up and didn’t cum? What about the times he was home doing not much of anything and didn’t touch me? If he really thinks I’m OK and wants more time, more sex, and a kid, then he better set his priorities straight. Busyness

He says the bed will lead to us feeling more normal, which will lead to more sex, but that’s a laugh. One big fat laugh. Do you know how many times he’s said that? The only thing he was ever right about as far as sex goes is when he said he’d cum in the first place, although that took over two years.

Out of curiosity, I asked Marla if her husband was like him or if he was like the typical male. Sure enough, he thinks of sex all the time and I envy her. I wouldn’t want sex twice a day like she says he does, and I know Tom’s Tom and this is normal for him, but this is not normal compared to your average guy. Once again, why me? Why do I always have to be in such an abnormal and freaky situation be it cuz of something with me or cuz of something with someone I know and am close to? Can’t things ever be normal for me and for him?

He said that he thinks most women who had a problem getting pregnant, would rather not assume something’s wrong and that it’s human nature to turn away from anything negative that could be wrong. But why deny the obvious? Why not deal with it, rather than kid ourselves about it? Is this another reason why he doesn’t want to have sex much, besides the fact that it’s God’s will and fate? Is he afraid of finding out I’m right and not wanting to deal with it? He says he would never want to know something’s wrong with me but isn’t hesitant. Well, he seems awfully hesitant. Like I said, he just doesn’t want sex all that much and has such a low drive. Also, he doesn’t want to deal with me being right, nor does he want to deal with what a kid would bring. I just know this. Year after year, it’ll just be the same old shit and he’ll be telling me the same old thing; that we’ll have time.

We were gonna screw yesterday when he got in, but we were both too tired and who knows when we can screw again, cuz of his mother. I’m sick of God, fate, and others getting in the way of what I want, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. All I can do is just sit and accept it and accept the fact that nothing will change. I’ve learned from how badly I wanted a woman and to be a singer. Big dreams just don’t come true for me. There’s nothing to try for or to hope for. I’ve lost. I’ve always been a loser on sex/kid and should I want something else as bad tomorrow, God won’t let me have it. He’ll make sure he, or something, or somebody, stands in my way. All I can do is sit here like some puppet or robot and let God, Tom, and fate dictate my sex life. Not me. But God and others. I have no say in the matter and if I tried to have any say in the matter, I won’t succeed. Even if my sterility was fixable, Tom couldn’t and wouldn’t cum in a cup like he’d have to so they could test him. And God wouldn’t help us, either. This is what I mean by God and others preventing me from the things I really want. It’s hopeless.

Anyway, I’ll be sending my last letter to Bob for I don’t know how long. Stamps don’t come cheap, Bob is a bore, so I’ll just drop him, pick up Paula, and keep writing to Shelly, Kim, and my parents. I don’t save Bob’s and Kim’s letters anymore cuz they write fairly regularly, but I saved Paula’s letter, the one I got from Larry, and Anne and Harry’s, and rare letters like that.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 19, 1997 I spoke to my dad yesterday. He said Mom was in MA and was to be staying at Larry’s that night. I can’t wait to hear all about that. The questions sure are going through my head; did she really stay there last night? How did it go?

Dad and I didn’t talk about too much or for too long, but we sure did have a huge misunderstanding that turned out to be quite hilarious.

He told me he had an appointment at 4:00. I asked him what for and he said it was for stress. Then I’m telling him, “Oh, that sucks. I know how miserable that can be. Well, hopefully, you won’t end up in a place like Natchaug needing me to rescue you. Just try to relax and listen to some soothing music.”

Then he corrected me on just which kind of stress he was talking about - the kind where they have you walk on a treadmill to see how much stress the heart can take. Oh! That kind. Still, it was pretty funny and Tom got a kick out of this little misunderstanding, too.

Tom said he found something in a pet store when he was picking up pellets that I’d never heard of. Guinea pig wheels. That’s cool, but I’m not gonna get one cuz of Piggy’s age. He’s getting older now, so he’s mellowing out and no longer doing laps running around the cage. That would’ve been great when he was a baby and the next time I get a GP, I’ll get one.

The Humane Society sent a catalog of cards, towels, calendars, mugs, and all kinds of stuff with animals. I’m gonna check out this thing for drawing ideas.

Tom says they have art festivals at the state fair. Maybe I’ll take a shot at that.

My CD made it here and although there are only two new songs on it and a few songs I already have, it’s worth it. Some of the songs which I already have are ones I didn’t have on CD yet.

Oh, how I wish I had all the songs I like on CD and even the edits and convos, too. Just think how neat that’d be.

I just heard a door slam next door. At this hour? Now that’s what I’d call deliberate. It was a loud, exaggerated slam that’s rather obvious that they intended to wake up someone here, but sorry - car doors wouldn’t wake me up over the fan if I were asleep. If it did, I’d be over there slamming them.

MONDAY, AUGUST 18, 1997 It has been a peaceful weekend and yesterday was lots of fun chatting with Mom and Tammy on AOL.

The only thing I can say about the weekend, before getting into my chat with Mom and Tammy, is that Tom never took the opportunity he swears he never has to touch me. Yet he wants more sex? Right! And I want more fat and craters.

Also, we did another lousy shot of Bunny swimming. He says I keep going out too far, with him, he really doesn’t like swimming, therefore he goes for the wall, and we don’t want it to look like he’s scared or abused. But why didn’t he tell me not to go out too far in the first place? I asked him if he really wants to do this, and he said yes, but I’m not gonna play games either so I’m out. This is the only thing he’s ever had a problem filming, so unless he’s just up to his usual wait-on-me kick, he doesn’t really want to do this but is saying differently.

I forgot to copy and paste the chat with Tammy and Mom in here, but it’s not much, so I’ll type it in. I lost the first part of it, though, where Ma said she read my mail to Tammy about Ronnie and it’s no secret that we’ve discussed him and to remember, she doesn’t have anything to do with him, the past is the past, please respect her wishes.

No problem.

Later…

As I said, I called Larry’s. Sandy answered and she said she liked the drawings and I was very talented. Jen wasn’t there to talk to, but then I talked to Larry. I told him Ma was at Tammy’s. He said, “Oh, lovely.” Perhaps I ended up doing him a favor by warning him of her surprise visit, cuz for some reason, I don’t think he’d like the idea of her showing up unannounced. Also, he didn’t call Tammy on her birthday.

Tom will be in in a few hours and of course, he’ll be too tired to lay a finger on me. We could’ve had fun yesterday afternoon when he got back from his ma’s, but I was already crashed by then. Like I said, he may be full of it when he claims to want more fun. What’s he gonna do? Tell his wife he doesn’t really desire her much or have much of a drive, etc? But something up there definitely wants to also create circumstances beyond anyone’s control, to keep us apart a lot. I just know that. I’m also not too thrilled with his bullshit promise to have more sex when we get the bed (if we really do get it), cuz there’s no such thing as a miracle bed. No bed’s gonna make him so horny for me all of a sudden.

He also says he hopes I’ll think about trying the gum to quit smoking again. He says I have more willpower nowadays, but I disagree. Also, dreams don’t come true 99% of the time and quitting smoking sure is just a dream. I’ve tried that and so much more to quit and nothing’s worked, so why should it work now?

Later…

Tom just went to bed. He hopes to sleep at least 10 hours so he can be well-rested for tomorrow. He gets off work late tomorrow, as he does every Tuesday. He may not get off till around 10:00 - 11:00 AM. At 8:00, though, is Ma’s appointment to have the skin cancer spots on her face removed. Mary’s gonna drive her, thank God. That way he won’t have to take off early and risk getting too tired and that can lead to sickness, as we well know. He’s gonna pick her up, though, and he says our fun can begin tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to our fun. I know I shouldn’t be, though, cuz I know it’s not gonna last long at all. Or change for the better.

I asked him if the promise (to have full-time sex and to cum at least most of the time) began tomorrow too, or when we got the bed. He said there are no guarantees that this promise is gonna hold all the time. In other words, he’s saying what I knew all along - that nothing’s gonna change and that he doesn’t want to cum that often.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 1997 Tom should be getting up any minute. Meanwhile, I thought I’d update a bit.

I slept from about noon to 8 PM last night. Tom got in from errands at around 4 PM. He had left shortly before I crashed.

He said he heard car doors coming from the back of the house, but that it might’ve been that motorhome and that he thought he heard a motor running, too. I doubt that. I’m sure it was next door playing their door-slamming game with the car they park deep in their carport that would be beside the back room. So, they didn’t just swap in the music for the dog, they swapped in the music for the dog and door slamming. They probably figured its vibrations would resemble and remind me of the music.

This week is gonna be a hectic one, and although Tom says there’ll be time enough for fun, I doubt that. It’ll be hectic cuz of the usual - things need to be fixed and his ma’s got two appointments this week.

I guess we’ll be filming Bunny this morning, but I wonder - did Tom make sure he didn’t get a good enough shot of him last weekend to make me wait? Well, I just hope he gets a good shot today. I just want to get it over with and sent off in the mail.

I called Tammy yesterday to wish her a happy birthday. Guess she’s not too thrilled about turning 40, but Tom said to tell her it’s not that bad. Well, of course, he’d say that cuz guys always have been less self-conscious when it comes to age and looks and all that. Those are women’s worries and issues.

Then Tammy said, “You know how we go back and forth?” At first, I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about and the first thing that came to mind was how Mom and Dad would pit her against me. Then she told me to hang on and Ma came to the phone and said she liked Tammy better. That’s what she meant by going back and forth. When they’ve been wherever I’ve lived, they like me better, and vice versa.

Ma sounded so tired and it was so funny. I wish I had taped her. She got in late at night and was beat. So, we chatted for a few minutes, then I told her to put the old fart back on the phone and I asked Tammy if she got the drawings. I knew I’d get the response I got about that, due to her partly teasing me and partly being jealous. I mean, there was never a thank you, or any comment on if she thought the drawings were good or bad. She said she used them to line her bird’s cage, but I teased back and we laughed about it. I told her that I went and got every single picture I could find of her since photographs are stiffer than regular paper and I scooped up stuck-on pig and rabbit shit off the floor of the cage with them.

Tom says she probably checked out all the drawings. No way. I just can’t see that, but I hope she gave them to the girls.

Since Ma’s not gonna be there for about a week to bitch me out for calling too much, I left Dad a message. I let him know I’d call him on Monday. Over the weekend, he’ll be at the store.

I wonder if Larry called Tammy to wish her a happy birthday and if he’ll let Ma come see him and Sandy and Jen. We’ll see when I talk to him.

I really hope that I get this electrolysis thing soon, but I don’t know. The ad said it was “similar” to electrolysis and that it would “eventually” prevent hair from regrowing. See what I mean? If something’s too good to be true, it really just ain’t true. Being able to permanently remove any of my body hair is just a dream. Just a pure old-fashioned dream, just like this bed is. There is no such thing as a miracle bed or a bed that changes people’s sex lives and fertility status. That has to come from within the people themselves and the fertility part of it is all up to God. Also, most people can change their schedules, but I can’t. So that’s another one of those things that’s just “God’s will.”

One of the stops Tom made today was at the library. But since I was at the end of my day at the time he went, he picked up some books for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to read the rest of John Saul’s Blackstone Chronicles, cuz they never seem to have all the parts, but I’m doing something else that I’ve said I was going to do for a while now. I’m reading a couple of his first books that I haven’t read for about 15 years. This is great, cuz even though I know what the books are basically about, by reading the descriptions on their back covers, it’s been so long that it’s like reading them for the first time.

Andy called to let me know his car died. So for now, he’ll use Laura’s car. He’s hesitant about asking his folks for a loan, but he said that he can always trade it in if he has to.

Marla read my songs again and successfully sent me her reflections on them. She said they were basically sad (that’s cuz most of them were written back east and I was so miserable there), but that she liked the writing. She even wrote a poem for me which was nice and she titled it “Mystery.”

Later…

Got a message from Alex for the first time in quite a while. I guess he’s been up to the usual.

Also, I got letters done to my parents, Shelly, Kim and Bob, but now I’ve got to work on Larry’s.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 16, 1997 I fell asleep at 10 AM and awoke about 4 hours later with a period that was just like the last one. Lots of cramps and flow. I really felt like shit both physically and mentally and was very tired. I did get back to sleep about an hour later and got up at 8 PM.

Got that package from my parents. There was a camera, stuffed animals, recipe cards, dry-erase markers, a small lamp, a tape measurer and candles.

There was also a paper bus that no doubt came from Larry. I remember he’d give me things like that when I was younger. There were more cups and pens from the casino in Biloxi Mississippi, an AOL disk we don’t need, and a metal stand of some kind that we can’t figure out what’s used for.

There were two flower-shaped plates with green flowers painted on them and a block of wood wrapped in nice paper with a message on it saying that this was a gift that could never be opened.

There was this deco with sand and water in a square, a thin piece of glass, a metal bird, and a metal tree-like design on a rock. There was a 3-level wire basket that I was wishing I had last night. I put it up over the sink and now I can stash potatoes in it, instead of keeping those on the floor.

Lastly, she sent pictures and several picture frames, and a very tiny friendship book with short little friendship poems.

Let me describe the picture frames, then I’ll describe the pictures. There were two small picture frames that were absolutely adorable. They were of windows with pretty colors and flowers around them. Then there was a clear plastic one, a small dull-colored one, a light wood-colored one, and two matching metallic ones with gold stripes.

In the matching ones, there’s a picture of Lisa and Becky. No picture of Sarah. There’s only one of her and that’s with Lisa and Becky in one of the pretty window frames. They’re hard to see, but from what I can see of Lisa, she’s really starting to look like a young woman. And Becky does not look fat or homely at all. Just a bit plain, as do Sandy and Jen, but Sandy really does have a dynamite figure for being in her 40s and for going through 3 pregnancies. It’s nice to finally have a picture of her and she, the two Larrys and Jen, are in the other window frame. A picture of Ma and me, then one of Dad and I are in the clear one, a picture of Tom and me is in the dull-colored one (I looked horrible as I always do in pictures), and a picture of Tom and my folks are in the light wooden one.

As for loose pictures that I put in photo albums, they were mainly scenery shots that they took on their trip here.

In other news, it looks like Tom put the rest of the puzzles in my world and I made a list of the ones I don’t like so he can delete them off the hard drive. My desktop just got way too crowded with icons and it was really starting to obscure my wallpaper pictures, so I put everything except for my AOL, word processor, CD player, and the 3 computer functioning icons, back into Mystery’s world menu that you get to by way of the start menu programs.

Later…

Tom says the dryer is fixable, but not worth fixing, so we’re gonna have to get a new one.

I had to sew a button on Andy’s work pants for the third time. This time I used a button with 4 holes and did many stitches, so this button could now only come off if he either yanked it off in a fit of rage or if it was hexed. I stuck the friendship book in the pocket of his pants for him to check out. I think he’d like something like that.

Hopefully, the weekend will be no noisier than the usual door slamming when their weekend company comes to see them.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 1997 There’s quite a dust storm going on right now. I guess this means it’ll rain eventually, along with thunder and lightning, and I’ll have to play the game of making sure the water leaking from the roof lands in the buckets I’ve got set up and not on furniture or other stuff.

Yesterday I took the tin foil out of the living room window. Since he obviously never intended to put up the sound blockers and since they’re not needed at this point, I figured it’d be nice to have a bright living room. I like it pitch dark for sleeping, but when I’m awake, I like bright sunny rooms.

I’m very happy that my period just decided to start, cuz of how sore my tits have been. Early relief is nice and I figured it’d come early, but 4 days early? Last month it was 3 days early. Is it gonna be 5 days early next month?

Is everything OK, or is God trying to show me that he’s about to end this baby ordeal I’ve been going through for years now by having something go wrong so I’d need a hysterectomy so as to give me permanent closure to this and to get my husband to deal with my sterility, too? Since Tom won’t believe I’m already sterile, is this God’s way of letting him know I am? By having something go wrong now and reinforcing that a doctor would do us no good?

Well, I know I’ll never have a child and that it’s not meant to be, so I’m all for God destroying my plumbing since there’s no need for me to have to deal with periods. Go ahead, God! Kill it all!

We finally screwed yesterday, but naturally, he lost his energy really fast and was coughing all over. He’s still coughing up the last of the cold, but it’s a good cough now. Before, nothing was coming up.

I saw an ad in the TV guide for something I want soooooo bad. I couldn’t believe it was just $100. I thought it’d be 2-3 hundred. It’s this thing you clamp onto a piece of hair and it painlessly removes hair forever. Oh, how I’d love something like this! It’d be great to do my eyebrows, underarms, a few lower stomach hairs I get, legs, bikini, and pussy area and maybe my widow’s peak, too, and never have to ever worry about doing them again. And Tom may very well never have to shave his face again. That hair removal thing really sucked. It wouldn’t pluck out all the hairs and it’d grow back much faster than they claimed it would. In fact, I left Andy a message and told him to ask Laura or Michelle or anyone if they want it. This isn’t one of those things I want to just give away, but I’ll probably never use it again, so I told him I will take $25 for it.

Yesterday, T-Bear, as I sometimes call him now, found the “treat hole.” There’s a hole in the side of the new cage that’s for putting the red wheel up that it came with. Since he uses his pink wheel only that’s downstairs, I don’t have this wheel up. Before, I’d hold a piece of food to the hole and he’d ignore me, but yesterday he noticed me and it was so cute and funny how he’d keep taking pieces of food and stuffing his pouches. First, he started with one pouch and it was so funny, cuz he looked like he’d been punched in the face with one side sticking out. Then he filled the other and when they were both filled to capacity, he went to the part of one of the tubes that he sleeps in and emptied it all out. He’s finally gotten to like lettuce, too. Then I took T-Bear out and put him on my table. Then I got Piggy and put them side by side. It was the cutest thing I ever saw and they went right to work on cleaning each other. Then, T-Bear stood up with his front paws on Piggy’s back. Then I put them both in T-Bear’s cage and they cleaned each other there and took drinks. Then T-Bear went wheeling and I took Piggy home to his and Bunny’s cage. Bunny was outside at this time. Yes, T-Bear needs a roommate and we’ll get him that black gerbil one of these days.

The longest part of my hair, which is all but the sides, is now to the middle of my ass. The middle of my ass! It’s really moving all of a sudden. It seems like it stalled forever when it got to be about 3” from the crack of my ass, but now it just keeps going and going. It’s still very dry, dead and frizzy and I’d still like to even it out, but I’m gonna leave it alone for a while, cuz now I’m curious to see how long it’s gonna keep moving like this and to where it’ll end up. I don’t know if I really ever want it below my ass, so when and if it gets there, I’ll chop it to the top of my ass, I guess.

I downloaded 30 puzzles from AOL a few days ago and Tom unpacked and installed a few of them. I didn’t realize it was so time-consuming and so much work, and as we know, he has very little free time. So, I’m gonna have him teach me how to do this to save him time. Plus, I’d like to do it, anyway.

This is quite a shocker I realized, but I think that the two dogs and next door’s dog, actually are taken inside at night. I always used to hear the two dogs at least 5 times throughout the night, but for quite a while I haven’t and I haven’t heard next door’s dog at night, either. I could be wrong about this, but the reason I think there’s a chance that they’re not even out there at night is that I didn’t hear any barking when I threw that note inside that big pen that had gum in it over the two dog’s wall at night. Also, I threw an ice cube over next door’s wall a couple of nights ago to see what it’d do and I heard nothing. Not even when I dumped the recycle stuff into the just emptied bin and that makes a hell of a racket. Anyway, I haven’t heard any night barking for ages now.

Last night I drew a picture of a girl that came out fairly well. It sort of looks like one I did in my first sketchbook. So, I’m sending it to Marty and Ruth with a quick hello note.

If my folks mailed me that package on Tuesday, it should be here tomorrow, so I’ll be looking forward to it.

I wish that 80s CD would hurry up and arrive, too.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 13, 1997 When I got up yesterday, I called my folks and wished them a happy anniversary. They had just brought home tons of Chinese food and were enjoying that and watching the news. It was a quick call, cuz I didn’t want to tie them up.

Ma also said she’s using the regular PO to send a package that should arrive on Friday or Monday. I think it stands a chance of getting here Saturday, too, since we get mail on Saturdays unless they don’t do packages on Saturdays.

I’m very happy for Tom’s mom, cuz she got a really nice new VCR and we’ll be getting something like it too, eventually.

Also, I’m very very happy for Tom who said that last night at work, his ear began to crackle and drain. He said he feels like a whole different person since yesterday, and at the time he said that he said he should be exhausted. So, that’s why he’s been so tired. Cuz his body was finishing off fighting this ear infection that began as a cold. Well, that’s all well and good, but how long will it be till he gets sick again? Till he’s so busy that he’s beat again? And when will he show any sexual desire for me?

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12, 1997 I knew there was something familiar about yesterday’s date. Nervous would be, I believe, 55 if he were still alive. Today’s my parents’ 46th anniversary and wacko Fran’s birthday, too, and I think he’s around 34.

I just did my best piece of wall art ever and I can’t believe I did it so fast, cuz it’s big! The length of it is almost from the floor to the ceiling and even wider than that. I did this in the bedroom. In there, there are two closet doors. There is about 3 feet of space between the two doors and a little bit of space on the other sides of the doors. I drew a vine with leaves that appear to be draped over and strung across the doors. In the middle of the doors, connected to the vine, I put a big red rose. Below it, I did a smaller orange flower, and then under that and close to the floor, I put a larger pink flower. Then, I got really lucky and added a great shot of Bugs Bunny eating his carrot. He stands parallel to the floor and he’s over 4 feet tall.

Now I have the usual stuff to discuss and believe it or not, I’m having both happy thoughts, as well as frustrating and scary ones. Usually, it’s one or the other, but if I can’t have all happy things going on, at least there are some hopeful and happier things mixed in. The question is, though, is this just another delusion? Am I falsely getting my hopes up for nothing? I ask this, cuz I seem to be an expert at it. There are no guarantees in life and I know my track record for trying new things, so although I do hope and wish deep down for the better, the last thing I want to do is tell myself that a bed is the answer to our sex problems and dreams.

You see, I thought that Tom saw what I saw in getting the new bed and that that was simply to be able to be closer, more normal, and to have the convenience it’d bring. However, he says he’s sure that that’s what’d help us to have more and normal sex and a kid (remember, he still thinks I’m fine). He explained to me that most couples sleep together, are on the same schedule, and screw at night, before bed, in the middle of the night, and in the morning. Since we haven’t had that, I guess this is why things have been the way they have been. I still won’t rule out the possibility of him having fears at any time, and I certainly won’t rule out God having anything to do with the way things have been. Once again, the more normal something is, the harder God seems to make me have to work for it and that’s the frustrating scary part. It’s easy to say we’ll get the bed and we’ll sleep together at the same time, but can I? And will that really make a difference in how much we have sex? And will that really make him cum more?

As much as I want that bed and want to be on the same schedule he is and am gonna try my hardest, I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna manage this. He says he wants the same things I want and I guess that he didn’t bring up taking out a loan for the bed a long time ago, cuz he figured I wouldn’t go for it (or maybe he wasn’t ready for this change till now). When he first came last July, he said he was sure I’d be pregnant by the New Year. I asked him why he now believes that this is the answer if we’ve been wrong before on other ideas we’ve had, and I guess he just felt the way he did back then if he wasn’t just talking.

It’s hard not knowing what the future holds in some cases and not knowing if this is just another impossible dream that’ll just have me feeling like a fool and a failure in the end, who’ll just end up saying how I should’ve known better than to hope.

I know no bed can make me pregnant. Sterile is sterile bed or no bed, but will God just let us have this added normality and let us be sexually? I hope so and that’s the problem. I very seldom get my hopes up cuz I’m such a pessimist and when I do, believe me, it’s a bust.

I asked Tom if he thought it’d make a difference in the sex if I slept when he did and got up when he did, versus laid down with him till he fell asleep, then got up, then laid back down with him as he was getting up and he said yes. He said that that didn’t mean that it’d be hopeless if I couldn’t get on this schedule, I’ve tried for over 10 years to get on, but that it would affect it.

I’m also not too happy with the way he’s been rather short with me lately. I don’t know if he loves me less than he did in the beginning or if he’s not as attracted to me, but he seems like he’s having a harder time being as patient, tolerable and accepting of my ways lately (when I cry, repeat myself, or go on and on about being happy about something, etc). After being down and literally hopeless for so long, as far as our dreams and more happiness go, I was really psyched up when he explained this bed thing to me, so over and over again I told him that even though seeing is believing for me, and I still feel God’s sealed our fate as far as the kid goes and that I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna get on whatever schedule he’ll be on, I feel the most hopeful ever, about our dreams and happiness. He said he knew; I’d told him enough times. I told him that that was just my way of expressing myself and that I thought it was better than me crying. He said he didn’t think it was much different. Well, then if he doesn’t really like it when I cry or go on about how good I feel over something, how am I gonna know what to say and how often to say it? I mean, he knew that I was this way before we got married, and even though I love this guy to death, hope this bed really does help us, I feel like I’ve got to change my whole personality and my whole life. Meaning, I have to pay closer attention to what I say and how much I say it, so he won’t get frustrated with me and lose patience and tolerance, then I have to figure out how I’m gonna get on a schedule after all this time.

I’m not saying that I don’t still love Tom and that I’m perfect. I know that I, too, can be impatient and that I can get frustrated with him and lack tolerance, and I’ll work on that the best I can, but maybe the word communication should be changed to either fight or argue. It does seem like the more people talk, the more they fight and argue and maybe you really do have to fight, argue, yell, and get angry and frustrated to get your point across, so maybe I ought to just keep more things to myself. I love this guy and I want to spend the rest of my life with him no matter what, but I wish the squabbling over the same few issues could stop. For once and for all. Cuz I don’t need it anymore.

I just want to move on. I just want a normal sex life and a child. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. As long as it’s me asking for it, it’s too much to ask for.

There’s going to be a meteor shower at around 10:00, so in a half-hour, I’ll get him up from his nap. He’ll be leaving tonight at 12:30.

Later…

The shooting stars were nice to see, although I only saw a few and for only a second. The lights in the city make them hard to see.

Tom mowed the grass. It really needed it, but cuz he was sick, it hadn’t been getting done. It looks nice freshly cut.

I know the truth. That this bed will not change anything. I wish to hell it could and that I could be pleasantly surprised with both a great sex life and a child, but I know God and I know my fate. I also fear that Tom doesn’t just think it’ll change anything, but he knows it won’t change anything and is just teasing me with false hopes.

Also, I love my husband dearly, but today was one of the classic examples of how he uses the lamest excuses that I just can’t buy, as to why he can’t screw. Just 5 hours after he’s been up, he’s saying he’s already tired. He’s tired? He’s tired!? Well, is this guy ever gonna wake the fuck up? He said that driving stresses him out and tires him out. Well, no wonder he’s tired every day. He drives every day. So what - we have to have him get rides, take buses or cabs in order to be able to keep up with me sexually? He tells me he has more energy now at 40 than he did at 20. That’s scary. What’d he do then - only screw once a year? This man has tremendous energy for staying up long, adapting his schedule, doing physical projects for hours and much more. But he has no energy for sex? He’s got to be like an old man in bed? How can he have so much energy to do projects that are quite physical and all the other stuff he does, yet act like he’s an 80-year-old man in bed most of the time? I just don’t get it, so maybe he will be right. Maybe the answer is the bed and that’s what he’s needed all along. If this bed doesn’t change anything, as I fear it won’t, then nothing will and all the more I’ll feel he’s full of shit. That he doesn’t desire me all that much and that he really doesn’t want a kid. Each year that goes by that we’re in this situation, I find it harder and harder to believe anything he says. And of course, there’s no help from God.

I wish to hell that I could know that God never intended to keep me from my dream and that he was just waiting for this bed, but no way. That sounds too simple of a solution. Just too good to be true. I just can’t imagine a bed changing anyone’s life like that and I still know I’m sterile. So, even if he’s right, and we have more sex and he injects me like crazy, there still won’t be a baby. I can’t wait to see his reaction to that. Will he still be saying I’m OK? Or will he acknowledge that I was right all along and maybe bring up the subject of a doctor? I know I’m still very very hesitant about that idea, cuz fate is fate. It won’t do us any good and knowing that we lost thousands of dollars to a miscarriage and to be reinforced of God’s unfairness and cruelty, won’t do a damn thing to help my mental state. I’d hate to think that God could hate anyone so much as to hex their sex life, not allow them to conceive when it does go normally, then have them lose a doctor-made baby that they spent thousands on, but look at Jon Bonet Ramsey. Here’s this gorgeous 6-year-old girl that was in some beauty pageant and look what happened to her. She was raped and murdered. That takes hate. From two sources. The man that did this and the source up in the sky that allowed it to happen. And people say these things happen for a reason? Oh, bullshit!

MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 1997 Tom says it’ll be a month or two before we get the bed. I hope so and I also hope he does the roof soon. If he only had more time and didn’t have so many things to do for so many other people. Again, is this one of the many reasons why God just won’t allow us a kid?

Tammy says it’ll be a while before we can see Sarah’s pictures on the Internet and that she sent a video to mom and dad of their chorus and around the house. She said she’ll have Mom and Dad send it to us, then we’ll send it back to her. We’ll see about that.

Although Sarah never struck me as the type to get modeling offers (if she really did), I’d say she’s the best-looking of the 3 and that Lisa’s just there and that Becky’s rather homely. Again, I wouldn’t tell Tammy that, cuz that’d be mean.

Larry says he doubts he’ll be calling Tammy on her birthday.

That’d really make her day. No, she won’t be too happy about that.

Mary and Dave drove Mom to Red Lobster and Tom and I met them there. Then Mary and Dave left and we took Mom here. I showed her the art stuff, the journals and the animals and Tom showed her stuff on AOL, then brought her home.

He got two more straight tubes for the new cage and that allows for much more flexibility in designing different setups and it looks better. I could still use 3 more, though, then with the exception of the gerbil and the other cage Play City makes, I won’t need tubes or other stuff for quite a while.

He went down on me today and I enjoyed it very much. I’m still very wary about getting back into sex and the shit it brings about, knowing that while Tom can ask me what’d make me happy, and I can say that more sex + more cumming by him + proof of who’s really right (even though I know I am) = a happier me, is just a dream and nothing will ever change. I know there’s no chance of a miracle allowing me to get pregnant, therefore, I wish he’d cum more so he can see that I know what I’m saying when I say I’m sterile, so he can help me deal with it better. Then we could sit down and discuss how much we want a child and the pros and cons of taking a chance on a doctor (once again, though, I know that’d never get us anywhere). There’s no beating God, that’s for sure. And is Tom gonna do what he asks, then gets told will make me happier? Oh no. Of course not. He’s too wrapped up in his own fears and in his own reasons for being the way he is. Well, he decided when he’d cum in the first place, so maybe, just maybe, he’ll decide it’s time to get off on a full-time basis. The only problem with that is that we just can’t have sex full-time. He’s just too busy, too tired or too sick and our schedules don’t always match up.

Like I said, something wanted things the way they have been and the way they are for a reason and it can’t be no “testing” period. For this long? I don’t think so! This spells out the word curse to me and even if Tom were suddenly functioning normally in bed, whatever’s up there would make sure that I had a problem develop. It obviously decided long ago that it’s either me or who I’m with, but there’s no way in hell, no matter how hard I try to see that this couldn’t be so, that I’m not sterile. I’ve got to be sterile. I just know it. The evidence is all too evident. But as long as he’s his stubborn, fearful, busy, sick and tired self, we couldn’t do anything about it even if God would let us.

The weekend was quiet, but today their dog did get on my nerves. Especially when I was hanging out clothes (the dryer broke), cuz the clothesline is right by the wall that divides the two yards and therefore, I was standing just two feet away from the damn dog.

Well, it’s either that or the music. God’s not gonna allow me nothing at all to have to listen to and a dog can be fanned out and it can’t wake me up. I’m not gonna give them the reaction they want by doing anything to them or to the dog, cuz that’d just bring back the music, then things would get real ugly, and I’m not going to jail for a bunch of selfish assholes. Even if I didn’t touch them, but just hurt the dog, someone could see me, but if they didn’t, they’d know it was me, then I’d be in hot water and get arrested.

Sometimes it even barks more than the two dogs do at this time of year, so I can only imagine how the winter will be. From now on, I don’t go out back unless I need to. Not with dogs on both sides of me to have to listen to, even if that old man’s dog doesn’t bark too much, then kids screaming on monkey bars. They haven’t been around much, but as soon as it cools down they will be.

At this time, I’m pretty sure it’s that guy I saw talking to some other guy that’s moved in there. A woman wouldn’t use a few boxes to move in, cuz you know how women have way more shit than you can put into a few boxes unless you’ve got lots of computer-related and electronic stuff like Tom’s got. There is a chance that this person and the dog could be there only temporarily, but that’s a long shot. Their weekend company and the car that lives there have been quiet, so I know this dog has got to be for me as a trade-in for the music. That’s why I’m not doing anything about it, besides the fact that I don’t want to get arrested. I can compromise.

Since no one here lets their dogs in their houses, what do they do with them? I mean, they just sit outside with no love or attention and are abandoned all day and night, so what do they do with them, other than feed and water them and clean up their shit? Maybe this is another reason we don’t have a kid? How would it sleep? I wouldn’t think it would do so very well with their dogs, the two dogs, and with them slamming their car doors 3-4 feet away.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 1997 We went to Red Lobster yesterday instead of today, but there were two more people than we expected. Mary and Dave went, too, and I’m glad they did, cuz you know I really like them a lot. Dave was his usual joking, laughing, funny self and Mary and I had hamsters and cages to talk about. She sure was grossed out, though, at the sight of my lobster.

I was the only one to get a lobster. Tom and Mary got cheeseburgers, Dave got chicken and Ma got pasta with crab meat.

Ma’s face looked better than I thought it would, but her voice was very very raspy.

It wasn’t noisy in there, either.

They got a kick out of Bunny swimming in the pool, which I told them. Especially Dave. Speaking of that, we filmed him today, but aren’t too happy with how it came out. It’s not enough of him swimming and he sort of ran into the wall and out of view. Next weekend, we’ll shoot again and it’ll be sent out by the end of this month, if not sooner.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 1997 Today was horrendous at Dr. Nielsen’s office. He’s taken on many more patients (that’s why his rates have dropped) and we had to wait nearly an hour in the waiting room, then another half hour in the exam room. It was ridiculous and I’ll never see him again. He said my ear looked great, there wasn’t much to clean out, and that I can go a year before my next check-up, as long as I don’t have any problems.

Then we went to Andy’s. His door is a perfect match for our door frame height-wise, but the width is a half-inch short. Tom says, though, we could make it fit OK. David’s now in CA, but when he returns, since he’s the only one we know with a truck, we’ll call him to haul it over here.

So, we chatted with Andy for a few minutes, then left to check and see if they had tubes at Walgreens. They didn’t, as we figured, but there we got a video cassette for filming Bunny.

Then we went to Staples, which is an office supply store, and got a video mailer, and manila envelopes and I finally photocopied my drawings for Larry, Tammy, and their families. They’ll each be getting 29 drawings. I’m sending all Tammy’s to her in a manila envelope and I’ll enclose a few in each of Larry’s letters. That’ll take 10 envelopes.

Then we went to Jack-n-the-Box and came home.

While we were on our incredibly long wait for Nielsen, I told Tom that I felt the happiest I have in a while and that I felt we’ve been getting along great since we haven’t had sex. He disagrees, but I know it was all an act just to disagree with me and perhaps even to make me feel guilty so I’d go back to that so he can play his games. Don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean I don’t have somewhat of a bummed feeling every so often over the fact that I know we could never have the kind of sex life I wish we could’ve had, as well as a child, but hey, it didn’t happen. It just wasn’t meant to be. If we start with the sex again, nothing will have changed. Our sex life settled into being what it’ll always be about a year ago and God made his decision about the baby when I was born, so why go do something that’s unfulfilling and that brings about so many problems and arguments?

Later…

Back again to having mixed emotions about his mom. Appointments for me and her have not only kept him from getting enough sleep (this is what I meant when I said we are a family of 3), but it’s also gonna cause us to put our lives on hold. He still hasn’t done anything to obtain that loan for the bed or the supplies to fix the roof (hopefully, and the fucking thing’s leaking now cuz it’s storming), and he puts off enough stuff on his own. She and her problems won’t help this, but somebody’s got to take care of her and Steven and Carol are out of state, Dave and Mary both work, Ray and Nora don’t care and David and Evie have two little kids.

Tom’s worried about her, though. Today they took a bone marrow sample to be tested and Tom thought it was quite a coincidence that a blood doctor who’s also a cancer specialist, had to be the one to do it. He said all the others who were there in the waiting room were there for cancer problems. The doctor’s going on vacation for two weeks and she has to wait two weeks for results. I think that if the doctor suspected she had cancer, he’d have said so, and that she wouldn’t have to wait two weeks for that. Tammy said that if they suspected she had cancer, they’d know in a day or two and call her. She also said that he might want to call them next week and demand results. It just doesn’t seem right for any doctor to do any kind of testing (especially if he suspected anything bad), leave the sample there for two weeks, then come back and test it, then call her with the results.

It doesn’t look like we’ll be picking up with sex again. Again, he says he wants it and a kid, but I still say he’s full of shit. As for me - well, it’s one thing to sit and wish for a normal sex life and a kid and another to know you’re not fated to have that. So, as much as I wish things could be different, I can’t say I’m anxious to return to a screwy sex life that only causes problems and more fights. When you can’t change something that’s bad, it’s best to get rid of it if you can and decrease the amount of problem-causing things.

Yesterday Tom told me he was miserable. It kind of went without saying that it was over not having sex, even if I didn’t buy it. I asked him, then why he hadn’t appeared to be so miserable and why hasn’t he spoken up about it? His excuse was that he had his way and I had my way. Well, he’s told me before about things that didn’t make him too happy, so why wouldn’t he this time? Cuz maybe he’s really not all that miserable after all, huh? I still say he’s got zip of an appetite for sex, and zip of a desire for a child, and that he’s enjoying every minute of this. Well, I hope he enjoys it a lot more than he did playing sex games and teasing and lying about what we did in bed each time and his deliberately not cumming much. Our sex life peaked and settled into what it was gonna be the day he first came. It was never going to change anymore, and I didn’t like the way it was, so what can I say? I mean, I liked his going down on me and when he was in there, but is it worth it? Is it worth all the other shit it entails? No. It isn’t.

It looks like tomorrow will be the day that we go to Red Lobster and that she visits, which I’m really looking forward to. The only shitty thing about going on the weekend is that I know that restaurant will be full of screaming kids since no one cares to teach their kids proper behavior. Yes, it’s certainly a kid’s world out there now, whereas when I was a child, it was an adult’s world.

Oh, and I can’t believe I forgot to mention this, but the day we got Teddy Bear’s new edition, our phone bill came. Tom took one look at it and said he no longer felt bad about the $40 from Mary. Apparently, airports charge an outrageous fee to call collect and it was $21 for 8 minutes, but only $6 for Bob’s collect call for 12 minutes.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6, 1997 Well, today I got two unavailable calls just a few minutes apart. The first one, I just picked up the receiver and hung it right back up. I picked up the second one on the second ring and it went dead. Yeah, someone’s gotta be playing games, but Tom disagrees.

I just saw a black guy talking to a white guy at the end of next door’s driveway. I don’t think I’ve ever seen either one of them before and I wonder if the black one is the one that owns the maroon car and is living there now. He seems nice, from his cheerful expression and the way he talked and kind of reminded me of Steve. He doesn’t seem like a music blaster and he does seem the type to respect others and care about not bothering others.

In Kim’s last letter to me that I recently got, she said she thinks she and Walter are done cuz the age difference is getting to him. That’s too bad. I told her, though, that if you truly love someone, you accept them, age and all, and that maybe he never really truly loved her. She also said this is the first time she’s gonna be dumped and not the dumper. Wow! It was 50/50 with me, but I think I spent much, much more time rejecting offers than getting dumped or dumping others. Most people that either dumped me or that I dumped were those I was friends with. Not lovers or playmates.

Yesterday and today were pretty funny with Bunny and Piggy swimming. Bunny can get out by way of the stairs, but Piggy has to either be taken out or at least put on the wall that divides the pool/spa, then he can hop out from there.

Today I put Bunny in and I began with him in the middle of the pool by the wall. He swam down to the far end, saw he couldn’t get out down there, so he turned around and swam up to the steps and got out.

Yesterday, though, I had Piggy in (I had him in today too, but he wasn’t nearly as funny as he was yesterday) and thought he’d just want a quick dip to refresh and clean himself, then go home. Nope, he wanted more than that. After the first dip, I stuck him on the wall, knowing he’d be OK for a while cuz he was wet. Well, he didn’t exactly stay there, that’s for sure. A couple of times he shook himself and slipped off into the pool, but more so, he leaped off into the pool! It was so funny to see him keep diving off into the pool till he got tired of it.

I’m looking forward to this Sunday. Ma’s gonna take us out to Red Lobster and come here to see the wall art and animals. Tom says he’s pretty sure she wants to see the wall art most of all. Wow, that’s nice.

I have an update on Ronnie and Larry, but I’ll write about it later.

Later…

OK, let me finish up with what I have to say about Ronnie, then I’m done with that bastard, I’m sick of hearing about him and talking about him as well. He was an aggressive, macho piece of shit I always loathed.

Ma called last night and asked me why I wanted to send this letter. I told her I had my reasons, then she said to please accept her request that she’d like me not to. I said I would respect her wishes, but then I asked her how she could have anything to do with her brother if she knew he hated her own daughters. She said she doesn’t. I don’t know if she’s lying, but if I knew for sure that she respected and cared more about his feelings than her daughter’s, yes, I’d be upset about it cuz that’s not very fair.

The point is, is that after we hung up and I thought about it, I felt embarrassed for myself, and knowing how long it took me to gain any self-respect, I asked myself why I’d even want to bother with someone like this. Well, I don’t. Anyone who has to hang onto shit that happened a decade ago and ignore you for so long isn’t worth it.

The only thing I did was mention to Larry when he brought up how Ma should’ve called Ronnie over something I can’t remember, was that it was too bad that the past couldn’t have been left there and that there was never any contact for so long, but since it’s been that way for so long, it’s got to stay that way and I know that. It’s not like we squared our problems with each other away 10 years ago, then kept in touch and I explained all this to my folks and to Tammy, too.

Anyway, Larry’s still pissed off at Tammy and at mom and dad for the way they seem so insensitive and like they just can’t deal with his loss. Other than that, he was putting in a new dishwasher when I called and other than his grief, he, Sandy and Jen are OK. Sandy was at her mother’s when I called and Jen was in Virginia Beach for a couple of weeks with a friend.

I was so happy to hear Larry tell me that it was to be 40º tonight there. Not only cuz it was so funny, but cuz I miss my cue to give him my laugh at his shitty weather and he even seemed glad to hear it. I told him I didn’t mean to sound selfish, but that I looked forward to him having happier days. Not just for his sake, but cuz I miss our jokes and giving him my crazy laugh that he always loved.

Got an email from Marla and she asked me to zap over my songs again, cuz the last time she went to check them out and reply to me, her system crashed.

She told me she enjoyed the beach, then something about Charlotte. I don’t personally have anything against Charlotte and she never did anything to me. Maybe that’s cuz I do know she does have a big mouth and therefore, I’d watch what I’d say so it wouldn’t get back to my mom, but Marla hates her. She said she accidentally said hi to her when she was shucking corn. She thought it was Natalie or someone else. Then she said she said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say hi to you. I thought you were someone else and as far as I’m concerned, you’re dead.”

Then she said Charlotte said, “I know you don’t want to talk to me.”

Then Marla told her she’d talk to Shelly and Scott, but not her.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5, 1997 All’s still cool with next door. A few spurts of about 2-6 door slams here and there, but that’s it. I hear the dog, too, in spurts, but it’s like that old man’s dog. Meaning, it doesn’t bark nearly as much as the two dogs do.

Even though I’m now happy to know that that’s not Mike living there, he was doing their yard work, as I said, so she still didn’t believe the letter. I knew she wouldn’t, but I couldn’t resist.

The phone’s ringing now, but I’m ignoring it. Nothing but sales calls and Andy at this time and Andy and I just exchanged messages. He just doesn’t get it, as far as my not wanting so many calls goes. This phone company is so fucked. When someone leaves you a message, that also has voice messaging, it says you can hit 8 to reply, but it tells me I can’t reply to non-subscribers. But he is a subscriber.

I just checked the box and this is the second unavailable in a half-hour's time today. Even the pushiest sales calls aren’t made on a daily basis, so I wonder if it’s someone we know who’ll know it’ll just say unavailable, but neither of us has any enemies that I know of. Any enemies I used to have are from years ago and they’d have to find out I’m married and my name somehow, so I don’t know what to make of it. I did pick up on one of those calls once and it was some long-distance phone company and they said they wouldn’t call the same number daily, but most of the calls don’t ring long enough for me to get to the phone. The consistency of the calls, combined with the fact that they only ring 2-3 times, makes me wonder if it could be someone from the past. The only one from my past that I had problems with who knows where I am and my name would be Jenny C. But if she’s working sitting behind a switchboard all day, bored out of her mind, why would she bother? She never called every day and let it ring 2-3 times in the past. I don’t see how it could be Fran, either, cuz it wouldn’t say unavailable. When she and Larry, then Larry and I discussed our talking, writing and my sending her that phone certificate, I knew deep down, and Jenny knew, that she never intended to call in the first place, so I’d think she wouldn’t bother calling this way, either.

Anyway, Tom’s still got a very bad cough and if he can’t cough this up in a few days, he’ll go to a doctor. I kind of wish he’d see one anyway. A check-up couldn’t hurt, it’s been a while since he’s had one, and maybe he could get some answers as to why he’s sick and tired so much of the time. Then if he fixed that, and were awake and healthier more often, God would step in and do something else to steal our time away. Again, why does God have to stick problems with sex or a not frequent enough sex life on top of my having to deal with the fact that I’ll never have a child? Can’t he just leave all to be well and good in bed? He sterilized me, so what’s he worried about? And even if I weren’t, God can do anything. So if he wanted me childless, he could make sure nothing ever hooked. Guess I just gotta keep on paying for the attitudes of the Jews thousands of years ago.

Earlier, I told Tom, “I know you love to disagree with me and I know how stubborn you are, but notice how much we’ve been getting along better since we haven’t had sex. This way I can’t say you’re playing games and I don’t have to worry about there not being enough sex, either.”

Naturally, he disagreed, but he tried to soften it down by saying, “I’m not disagreeing with you just to disagree with you, but that time we got all frustrated with setting up the new cage (I’ll get to that after), we both took it into consideration that I was sick, so we didn’t push it, but hadn’t I have been sick, we probably would’ve fought more.”

I’m not saying any marriage is perfect or without arguments of some kind, but before, most of our squabbles were over sex and a kid. And even though us fighting over sex and the kid wouldn’t change things, without the sex, there’s no fighting over that.

Then I asked him what he wanted to do, A - keep going without sex, or B - accept the fact that after over 3 years we just weren’t meant for a full-time, normal sex life or a kid and just deal with it and take what sex we can get when we can get it. He said, “C.” Damn this stubborn, unrealistic, bullshitting, arrogant, joking husband of mine! Of course, C means more sex and also, of course, he still thinks I’m OK. I still don’t know if he really believes I’m OK or knows I’m not, but doesn’t want to admit that to either him or me, but still, why is it that he too, wishes for the impossible (whether or not the things he says he wishes for are true or not)? The only difference is, is that I know my dreams are impossible. He may too, and I still think he might and also that his heart isn’t in what he says he wants. Yes, God has the final say over what someone wants, but if he wanted sex more often, he’d have put forth more effort a long time ago for that. So like I said, if full-time normal sex hasn’t been the case yet, it’ll never be the case, and the same goes for the kid. Things like that don’t suddenly, or even slowly, change in this day and age. God and Tom, but mostly God, made up their minds on how things are always gonna be about that.

I talked to Tammy earlier, but first let me say this - obviously this deal with Lisa and her chorus and solos which was very hyped up cuz she would’ve sent the videos of it if it were just as she said it was. I think Lisa sings OK, has great potential, and did have a solo but not as grand of one and as many of them as Tammy claimed, and like I said, she and Lisa gave two different stories about that Broadway thing. I know my sister. When she can’t brag about something wonderful going on with her, which isn’t too often with all she’s gone through and continues to go through, she uses her kids to get attention by them either being ill or being involved in something wonderful. At least she’s doing better than our mom did. Better to falsely brag about your kids or to exaggerate something going on with them that’s good, rather than to talk bad about your kids and cut them down to others.

She claims that Sarah got a legit modeling offer and that they’ll represent her for a year. She doesn’t know what’s going to be going on, though, as far as what they’ll use her for. She said it could be magazines, movies, etc. Tammy said she is a beautiful child who’s very photogenic. Well, I hate to say this and this is something I’d never dare tell my sister even if I was pissed at her and I know I could be wrong, it’s just a matter of my opinion, I haven’t seen but two pictures of Sarah and not her in person for many years, but I really don’t think she’s that beautiful. I’ve seen lots of beautiful children on TV and in magazines and Sarah doesn’t look anything like these children. I still hope that this is for real and that it does work out, cuz I want Sarah and all of them to be happy.

Tammy said that yes, when Mom and Dad die, they will be buried in MA and that she told Mom and Dad that if Ronnie’s there, she’ll shoot him herself. Good for her! Yeah, I meant it, too, when I said that if he’s there at their funerals, I’ll personally remove him myself and maybe even kick his ass.

Later…

Yesterday we got the cage I’ve been wanting for Teddy Bear. Mary was a little off on her description of what it entailed, though. It does come with a wheel and 2 of the 4 holes don’t have connectors. I forgot that there’s a side hole too, so you can connect it to other cages. I have it connected to Mary’s cage. The new cage is great, and I love it, but we need a few more straight tubes to run up to the upper levels easier. I also got a hideaway, too, and it’s nice.

Play City makes 3 different cages with different designs and originally, I was gonna get the other one they make (since I have two), a maze that you can attach to these cages, and another male hamster. Now I’ve decided that I’ll drop the maze. I mean, I’d take it if one fell in my lap, but I don’t think it’s all that worth it. Instead, I’ll get that other house and one of those black gerbils I saw and liked. They’re about the same size as Teddy Bear and they’re not nocturnal. So when I’m up at night, the gerbil would be crashed, but Teddy Bear would be up. When I’m on days, Teddy Bear would be crashed and the gerbil would be up. I don’t see why they couldn’t get along and live together. If a guinea pig and a rabbit can, why not a hamster and a gerbil?

The reason I decided on a gerbil instead is for the variety and cuz of how Gizzy-proof I realized this cage is now. What with the way it’s now set up with that floor tube running down, there’s no way something with a tail, which can jump so easily, could escape.

Also, I know Tammy is not only hurt by the fact that Larry hasn’t contacted her since she saw him in January and over the fact that Ronnie’s been such as asshole who’s been living in the past, so I’ve decided that if I can bring about or restore any more peace in this family, great. If not, we and Ronnie will just continue to ignore each other. So, I’ve typed a letter for Ronnie and am mailing it to my folks and asking them to mail it to him. I hope that just this once, they’ll consider my feelings over his and get it to him, but I don’t know. I’d feel like they cared more about his wishes than their daughters if they didn’t get it to him, but I have to respect their decision.

Should they mail it, give it, or read it to him (I enclosed our number and address), I’m also curious as to what reaction/response I may get over it, but I highly doubt there’ll be any. You never know, though, cuz I didn’t expect that card and candlesticks from Marty and Ruth.

It was a quick letter and I told him my two points were that I was sorry that we’ve had problems in the past, but that they’re also in the past forever, and am sorry we haven’t been able to keep in touch here and there over the years. Same shit I went through and let Marty and Ruth know. I also told him that what happened with him and Tammy is none of my business, but that I was disappointed to know that they couldn’t have at least said, “Hello. How are you?” to each other last January.

I emailed Tammy and let her know about this and also left my folks a message about it, too.

MONDAY, AUGUST 4, 1997 Last night Ma called and said that Mary left $40 for us at her house for taking care of her hamsters and that she had meant to leave it there before. That’s a lot of money for just taking care of her hamsters and for doing a few other odds and ends! That’s really, really generous of her, but then Tom explained something to me about the way his family works and I ended up feeling guilty, too. If you mention that you’re going to buy something that some other family member is into, they give you the money. Ma’s into sewing, for example, so if Tom said he was going to go shopping for sewing supplies, Ma would give him the money for it. If Ma was into journal writing and I mentioned that I was gonna go get some, she’d give me the money for them. This is weird, but I wish I knew this, cuz if I had, I’d have never mentioned being about to buy that cage to Mary. From now on, though, I’ll watch what I say. I asked Tom if we should give some of the money back, but he said that when someone gives you something, you should politely accept it. Well, that sure was very nice of her and I’m grateful and we’ll definitely use it for the cage, as I’m sure Mary hopes and expects I will.

Once again, this intermittent sex really sucks. I know it’s just a matter of a week or two before something else comes up to steal our fun away. Even if we didn’t want a kid, it’s frustrating to have to settle on taking what we can get when we can get it. And even if I were OK, getting me pregnant would be like my trying to shoot a cigarette out of someone’s mouth with a bow and arrow from 40 feet away. Babies are made by constant screwing and getting off consistently, so we wouldn’t even have a slim chance if I were OK.

I wasn’t too thrilled with something Tom said last night. He said to take care of myself so we’d have more opportunities for sex, but then he turned around and said he knew I’d been doing well after I said I’ve been fine and I’ve been taking care of myself. Well, if he knows I’ve been fine, then why haven’t there been enough opportunities? Cuz he and God don’t want there to be and cuz Tom would rather indirectly pin it on me and cry no opportunity. I can tell he enjoys this, too, no matter what he says. It was like he had a smirk on his face last night, enjoying every minute of my bitching about our situation (not that that’ll ever change it), but I still know that no matter what he says, he still doesn’t want a kid that bad, isn’t nearly as horny as I am or most others are and like the sex in spurts.

Well, if we’ve always had full-time sex on a part-time basis, we always will. And if I still haven’t gotten pregnant in this day and age, I never will. He’s the one that needs to take better care of himself. He’s the one who’s had 3 colds this year. He’s the one who’s tired a lot. Even Mary said that he was never like this before, so that convinces me even more that something up there wants to keep us from a full-time, normal sex life. And it’s usually when I’m mid-cycle, too, and cuz I’m sterile, why is it acting like I’m not? Why have it so the cards usually fall out in a way that keeps him from cumming at prime time? I know a part of it is Tom’s own individual fears and doubts, but still - it makes no sense when you’re sterile and if Tom’s so sure due to experience that he gets off more the more he screws, then knowing that, why doesn’t he put more effort into screwing more? He’s gotta be afraid of something.

Other than that, things have been fine with us and this week, we’ll be seeing Dr. Nielsen on Thursday and we’ll also be going to get the cage, to the library, to photocopy my drawings and hopefully to measure Andy’s door. I also hope that next weekend we can film Bunny and I got Home Video’s address last night. I think they said that all tapes must be in by October 1st for the new season, but the sooner the better. And also, the pool will be too cold by mid-September.

Later…

I just gave Shelly a call. She sounds much better than she did the last time we talked and she really is a strong and brave one. If it were me in that situation, you know I’d just want to give up and curl up and die, but she’s still sure that there’s a Mr. Right out there for her. Even after all she’s gone through.

She has 3 kids she does daycare for 5 days a week so she’ll keep up with that and will move soon. She’s definitely finished with Todd and she doesn’t want to stay at the house and live with her mother, so she’s gonna hunt for an apartment, till she can get her own house.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 1997 Not a peep out of next door yesterday and I don’t expect I’ll hear much today, either, what with how the weather is. It really stormed like hell from about 3 AM till sunup. It’s still drizzling out now, too. It’s really cooled the temperature down, though.

Tom just left to go see if his ma wants to go to church and I expect he’ll tell everyone like he said he would, what I did earlier. When I was little, my brother and sister dared me to eat a dog cookie and so I did. It wasn’t that bad, but I’d never tried one of those pig/rabbit pellets after all these years. So, I tried one and it was so gross! I ran for the sink and spit really fast. Meanwhile, Tom got a kick out of it and was laughing his ass off.

Tom was explaining to me all about his stock options at work and how he’d know when it was the best time for us to move. Yeah, that’ll be like 5-10 years from now.

He has some different kinds of Bibles around here and I asked to see them when he gets better, cuz I want to see if they can give me any sense of understanding of my situation, although I highly doubt it. Not much in this world makes sense or can be understood, and I think it was meant to be that way. He was also explaining more of this pay for the sins of our forefathers’ shit and according to him, it’s not a Jewish relative of mine I’m supposed to be paying for that fucked up in some past generation. It’s cuz the Jews from thousands of years ago were supposed to have had a bad attitude and stopped believing. Oh, so I can’t have a baby cuz the Jews of 4000 years ago lost faith? That’s sick. Totally fucked up and sick. I thought God was supposed to be for people having freedom of choice. Some freedom and choice I’ve had throughout most of my life, huh? Still, if God wants people to choose their own ways in life, shouldn’t that include whether or not to have faith and whether or not to have a child? It’s my body and my life, so why can’t I choose what the hell I do with it?

Like I said, I believe in God. I believe there are both good and evil forces, but I don’t know if they’re both from the same origin or not. I don’t know if God is both evil and good or if God’s good and there’s an evil devil at work. But if God’s the evil party, too, then he’s got a real problem and people should re-think and re-evaluate their views of him. And if he’s not, and if it’s the devil’s work that causes a woman to be sterile and all the other bad things in this world that go on, then what’s the matter with God? Is he a wimp or something? Why can’t he overpower the devil? If he’s the master in the sky, then what’s the problem? He can’t destroy the devil? Or won’t he? Or is it him that’s got a lot of the devil in him by his own free will?

In one of the books I was reading, this guy was saying how it seemed more than obvious that God doesn’t care and there’s something up there that has the sick capability to laugh at a much-loved baby choking to death on something. Yeah, I believe that. I really really do. And I also believe that something up there is laughing really damn hard about my sterility, too. Each time it really gets to me, and on those days that can be worse than some when it really has me emotional, is its happiest days where it’s laughing so hysterically.

I still don’t believe this sterility is to protect me from what a child can do to our lives, cuz if God can do anything, you’d think he’d know how much I wanted a child, give me the child, then make sure I could handle it, but no. So, that’s how I know this is a curse. If it were meant to help and protect me, I’d think I’d be OK with it and not have such hard feelings over it. Something up there’s trying to hurt me. Curses hurt and whatever it is, it wants me hurt by this and this sterility is meant to hurt and it does. Some days are worse than others, but this is no “let’s protect and help and save Jodi and her husband from the terrible forces of a child” thing. This is a punishment, fully intended to make me feel all the emotions I’ve ever felt about it.

So, when are we ever gonna have sex again, I wonder? Yeah well, I’m just so sick of this sex in spurts thing and I don’t care who is or isn’t at fault. It’s not a question of who is or isn’t to blame. It’s a question of my being sick of the fact that I can depend on my own self for sex, but not my husband. That’s rather sad if you ask me.

Once again, if something up there wants to act like there’s a pregnancy to dodge most of the time, so will I. I’ll help it out by making sure I’ve got something that hurts or that I don’t feel well the next time I’m in the prime time that doesn’t even exist for me. Why not? I may as well play along in this game, too.

I changed Teddy Bear’s cage around again and I can’t wait for that new house! The one that Mary has a couple of. It’s bigger and it’s got a hole on the side of it so you can feed them treats. I’ll want to get a wheel to put inside it, too.

Later…

I just talked to Mary cuz I wanted to ask her how much these cages normally cost, where the best place is to get one, and what they come with. Unfortunately, they don’t come with any wheels or tubes, but they come with ring connectors. The rings that connect the tubes to the house. These are very different than the rings used to connect tubes to tubes. I’m really looking forward to getting this house and it not only has two tube extensions on top, but one in the floor, too, so it’ll go straight down into the aquarium.

No naughty freeloaders on door-slamming frenzies this weekend, but guess what? I was wrong and Tom was right about something. Mike isn’t the one who owns that maroon car, apparently. Tom kept saying something about a brown car (it’s gray, though, as my husband’s colorblind). He said he saw him doing yard work yesterday and that this gray car is what he’s now driving. So that’s why it’s been so quiet. Well, Mike’s been quiet, too, but whoever’s living there, isn’t Mike, unless he has two cars. So that time I saw a white car and a Jeep, must’ve been while Mike still had the Jeep and was visiting, then he must’ve recently got this car. So that explains the dog suddenly showing up that doesn’t fit the description of the kind of dog Mike said he was thinking of getting (although, I still wouldn’t be surprised if this dog wasn’t bought in regards to me), and the U-Haul and the boxes. Cuz like I said, he never used those to move in or out before.

My belief is that whoever lives there and owns the maroon car is a female. It’s almost always a guy thing to go blasting car stereos. This could be a good sign, too. If it stays as quiet as it has been since this person moved in, then this may mean that they’ll stay quiet and be less likely to party, unlike Mike would have. Also, if they do stay as quiet as they have been since last fall, I want them to stay there and it looks like that’ll be the case, cuz why would someone get a roommate if they were planning on moving out so soon after? This will also hopefully deter Mike from returning for good, cuz it’s a 3-bedroom house. Therefore, if it’s a roommate there or a relative, you figure that the kid’s got one room, she’s got another, and this other person has the last one. Not that Mike couldn’t sleep on the couch or with her, but things may just very well be OK after all.

Another reason I think it’s a friend or relative who’s a female and not a new boyfriend is cuz Tom said he saw him doing yard work. So, if it was a new guy, why would Mike come to do their yard work? That’s something that guys usually like to do, so I’d say it’s her and some other female in there. I don’t know if she doesn’t drive cuz she’s afraid to like I am, or cuz she can’t afford a car, but my guess is that with a house and a kid to support, she can’t afford a car and that’s why she’s got the roommate. To get rides from this person and to share expenses with them. I haven’t seen this mystery person yet, but maybe one of us will.

Mike was here today too, and he was quiet, so yeah, I really think that everyone that they know conspired to swap the music for the dog. As soon as they see they’re not getting the reaction that they expect from me, I wonder what they’ll do then, cuz it’s not just this roommate that’s suddenly quiet. It’s him and any company that they have, too.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 1997 Yesterday Tom had a fever but is doing better. As long as he doesn’t overdo it, he’ll be fine till he gets his next cold in September.

A few days ago, Andy left us a message saying we could have his security door (I don’t know why), but he said it’s in his carport and we can just go get it, or else he’ll have his landlord haul it away. I’ve been wanting one of those, so we’re gonna measure our door frame, then go measure his door, cuz if it doesn’t fit, there’s no sense in us hauling it over here. We’d have to get someone with a truck to haul it over here if it’ll fit. I hope we end up getting it, cuz our front screen door is an old beat-up piece of crap that’s torn badly.

My lighter with the pretty picture of a cactus died, but I managed to peel it off so I could tape it in the inner cover of my journal for decoration. I also taped in cute pictures of a dog and a cat. The HS sent me an appointment book.

After having my little computer world the same setup for so long, I finally made some changes to it. I made copies of my games and put them on my desktop. I picked out pretty icons to go with them and it looks nice and colorful. I thought it’d really obscure my wallpaper pictures, but it doesn’t. You can still tell what pictures are behind all the icons, which are evenly spaced both horizontally and vertically across the screen.

Right now I’ve got some old tapes playing of some old funny fights with Fran and Nervous. Boy, did they love to fight like kids for so long! I played some for Tom earlier, too.

They’re still behaving next door and if things stay peaceful for another week or two, then I’d say it’s safe to assume that things will be OK and that yes, they got the dog in regard to me.

Tom said that yesterday he thought he heard some car doors, although he heard no voices or music. Yeah, he probably did. There’ll be more company with him there.

I should’ve screamed at them a long time ago. Sometimes, asking a person something nicely just doesn’t cut it and you’ve really got to let them have it, in order for it to sink in, even if that means using your fists.

I know these kinds of people, though, and I know they got this dog that I finally got a glimpse of, on account of me. It’s a bigger dog than I thought it was. Its bark sounds like that of a small puppy, but this is a medium-sized dog. Maybe a beagle of some sort, but still, imagine getting a dog just cuz you think it’ll piss off your neighbor? They might as well just stick it in our yard, cuz they don’t even give a shit about this dog. No one in Arizona does. All they do is leave them outside 24/7. Yesterday, I was out in the afternoon when it was well over 100º and I heard a few barks a couple of times. That is so cruel!

Anyway, what I meant by saying I know these kinds of people is that people like this don’t stop doing something that pisses off people without going and doing something else. There’s a reason why the music suddenly stopped and why the dog came at the same time and right after I went off on them, too. They had to have said to themselves, “OK, we’ll shut up with the music, but if she thinks we won’t replace it with something else, she’s wrong.” I know they had to figure that a dog would get on my nerves, cuz I remember asking Mike if he had a dog and was telling him about the two dogs next to him. At that time, he was mentioning getting an expensive dog that couldn’t bark and that’d certainly not be going outside. Well, this is no expensive dog, it does bark (even if it’s a joke compared to the two dogs), and it is certainly outside all day and all night. As long as those two dogs exist here, no dog can bother me like those dogs do. Those two dogs bark constantly, but this one doesn’t (I’m sure that must disappoint them, too).

Still, these people are doubly cruel. Cruel to leave it stored outside all the time like an old piece of furniture, but even more cruel to get a dog, not cuz you want a pet to love and to care for, but to use it against a neighbor. Still, this is a fine swap over the music. I wonder, though, when they see that I don’t bitch about their dog, which I’m sure they’re anxiously awaiting so they can have a damn good laugh, will that mean they’ll return to sticking the music on me? Well, if they do, I’ll put a stop to it. Trust me on that one.

Once again, though, what with the weekend now here, I’m nervous, but not as nervous as I was last weekend. Each weekend that passes without any outbursts, I’ll relax about them more and more. It’s been great not to know they exist except for their car doors, also in regard to me, I’m sure. In the past, they’d never go in and out of their car. A couple of nights ago (and I know it was his car and that they had no company, cuz I can just tell), they played musical doors and slammed their car doors about 4 times. I’m sure that this weekend I’ll hear 20 door slams, too, but again, I’ll take that or anything over the music. If that stereo wasn’t so bassy, that’d be different. Then I could deal with it a whole lot easier.

[thesecretattic]

DEATH NOTE

Kisiki do logo ki laash pe se apni “wannabe” Shaadi baraat nikaale simply cuz everyone else was marrying in Cov times. Shameless people Harsh and his FAKE lugaai she should read this and see how serious it is especially about Aditya Singh Rajput and his death and my death. More SHOCKING things about Harsh and what he said or did back then he turned the tables after that. Please read it entirely it’s VERY IMPORTANT.

“I was pretty too at 20-21 I was looking fair and cute without makeup in broad daylight BUT he ruined me”

I was struggling to breathe n I was breathing in bits I can’t walk even upto the bathroom my pressure was falling tremendously and my vision had turned WHITE and blurry I couldn’t see anything in the bathroom and I cud feel numb and lifeless and all the blood levels being sucked out of my brain I was cold inside it was chilly ice cold in my head I’m somehow writing this

Its VERY IMPORTANT pls read it I had to jot it down again ignore typos or lack of punctuation marks. Relying on autocorrect.

You all know that he Harsh Jayesh Rajput came first to me and the story has been going on since the past 8-10 years! All MY YOUTH I’m dyin-g a lip virgin or virgin today I was treated like an untouchable now no one will accept me in this age

NEXT you’ve seen the SHOCKING OBVIOUS signs along with all the markings in my previous posts (at least from June 2023 I’ve been sharing them since years now and there are more than 1000s of coincidences or signs since the past 10 years there’s not been a single day I haven’t received them) they all revolve around me and Harsh

Yet inspite of that since he himself came AND THEN STARTED ACTING ODD like OCD for no reason he wud like my pics on some dating app they had a Snapchat like feature he was already in my list and you could upload 24 hr selfies or posts he would religiously like them BUT not utter a single word, I have all the screenshots in my old laptop, he had also ASKED for my bb pin but he was not adding either and then he was talking to my fake ID which he knew was me he even taunted and left innuendos he was asking if I was single and sending kiss emojis even on day one he was sounding very happy but he was blocking the REAL ID and he was going on being ambivalent and bipolar he would come and then block.

I didn’t want to say all that, I can’t share much in detail my hands and feet are ice cold and I’ve cried a lot and I have fever too and my health condition was already critical since the past 3 days I’ve been struggling and hampering to breathe I can’t even walk up to the bathroom I told u what happened. That’s why I’ve been sleeping for hours throughout the day I’ve been up since 12 am today the whole night crying due to my mother’s torture and this issue.

IN 2019 I sent those gifts to make up for the book and because his fans would not send anything, Taher and Aneri wud always flaunt, I had stopped watching TV in 2015 itself and I’ve never heard his voice in real life, so I was NOT some fan he came first he was interested he was asking for the bb pin je was liking the photos he was sending kiss emojis FIRST and he was asking if I was single, he had used WORDS LIKE “DEAR AND DARLING” I still remember cuz I’m not used to this, someone using such terms of endearments for me, no one talks to me leave alone nicely. I know it’s cheesy but I have mixed feelings about it cuz it was him I thought it was safe.

I SENT those gifts to makeup for the book even thought I had not divulged anything about him in the book I have high fever n low pressure + shallow breathing I might just die after writing this post pls read I sent them across hoping I’ll find someone ELSE cuz he just went away without giving me a chance I have mentioned how he was luring me with the kisses and those other things go READ them had to say that, but then he SHOWED everyone that it was one sided and he humiliated me publicly in front of the world,

Since he was doing that I thought I’ll find someone else eventually and the gifts were just to makeup for the book which had nothing about him I wanted to make him happy cuz i loved him but I could only do it materialistically because he hated me now (due to unknown reasons) I was like he can take those things and be happy and I can love him from far or send him that love and I’ll find someone else but he took that opportunity again to humiliate me, he didn’t thank I had made those cards and everything on my own and wrapped those 14 gifts on an EMPTY stomach but he didn’t thank nor did he return them cuz of that OCD of direct contact which grew after 2015 even more, back then he allowed himself to talk to the fake ID or just like the pics and he was then using his engaged friend’s ID that too on the dating app HE CONNECTED with me there and added me on Instagram I had shared about it on my blog the article was - Biggest Revelation or something it has a HUGE shocking sign too. He had even read that (Harsh Jayesh Rajput) anyway his OCD grew so much that he became insensitive (go through all my posts from 2020 pandemic year IT WAS ON A VERY HEINOUS LEVEL) I’m dy-ing today after 8 years of total (bed) confinement because of him, and he neither thanked nor returned the gifts to avoid any contact (OCD) and he was sitting there making fun or god knows what. Like I said I was giving them to makeup for the book and I had already thought I’ll find someone else but He even took that opportunity to reject and humiliate me in front of my cruel mother and his friends and family and eventually on internet, he himself had sent kisses and called me all sorts of things (terms of endearment) he was religiously liking the pics he was vying for that bb pin and from behind he was showing everyone that I was chasing him.

The coincidences and signs continued and next he got worse during the pandemic year AFTER which I started writing about him to seek help or to wake him up.

HE received my messages on iMessage sat there SEEING OUR SIGNS AND MARKINGS until He changed them and now I see Aneri’s numbers which torture me there’s always 53 & 23 together (5 is him and 2 is me) it started as our marriage signs you’ll understand when you’ll read my previous posts but now I see 63 somewhere lurking around along with her birthdate. I’m done. He can have a threes-ome like he said (it was his fantasy) to that fake acc he can have that with that now porno Nida and Aneri she was wearing straps and what not on her thighs that Nida no pants just like Harsh if he’s so obsessed he can do that. I want a REAL love story and actual passion if at all not such FAKE ORGAS-MS it’s all forced when you force yourself too… otherwise you don’t need handcuffs or garters. It’s in fact tacky, real lovers just need each other after all that’s what it’s all about you don’t need ENTICEMENTS.

If they had what was the most important to me he meant the entire world I loved style even when he was poor and he would repeat clothes I loved him for the same attire even the 50th time, my name happened to be Zara for a reason like the brand I was born like that my grandmother named me she wasn’t even aware of the brand. I wud dress up like that since I was a toddler. But those cheap girls had his LEATHER JACKET and Ear Stud so now I don’t want him. I’m not a beggar enough of this! Or else I’ll change my gender. I’ve cried enough.

They had him at his best even when I loved him at his worst.

This is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

I LOVED HIM A LOT I NEVER STALKED HIM AFTER 2016 Feb n I had stopped watching tv in 2015 itself whatever I came across was accidentally through other people, anyway I HATED myself and I was feeling very hopeless but then I remembered that I loved him even when he was looking dark in his Photos back then in 2014-15 in fact that’s why I had chosen him because I wud stay away from people who were fair and white or rich. So I chose him cuz I thought he was like me (fair-golden-dark mixed) or darker I don’t exactly fall into that dusky category but I’m not white. I’m losing breath I can’t write I’m numb I’m dy-ing I’ll copy paste rest everything from an old post cuz I’ll be reiterating it anyway. BUT FIRST I have to write this down somehow - I told myself I hate how I am and I know no will ever accept me I’m an “untouchable virgin” I got a reality check on 5th mar regarding the extent to which anyone can hate and all the INSENSITIVITY he left me to die and so did others I was open to someone “new” I had decided to find another person I thought someone else will come along even while sending those gifts I WAS ENTIRELY RELIANT on somebody else (who just wasn’t there) because Harsh was not there for me either, I kept getting abused ruthlessly I was beaten up a day PRIOR to the gifts I couldn’t sleep on one side my neck and head were swollen and even my fingers and hands with purple marks in this fibromyalgia I was beaten to death and even told I should die, I already had fever and infection also back then but I got only beatings no rest was up all night no medicine and no food had to ear my antibiotics on empty stomach then 5th Mar happened and I realised how much I was HATED.

My CONVICTIONS grew after that and I realised why THERE WAS NO ONE he had not given me any chance either although he had come first sent kiss emojis religiously liked several pics throughout the month, asked if I was single asked for the bb pin somehow used his friend to fetch my Instagram acc and also called me Dear and Darling etc. etc. But inspite of that and tons of signs he hated me and I realised he probably had superficial shallow reasons to do that and so did everyone else SO I DECIDED FIGHT BACK cuz I knew I would die alone in this abusive house if I won’t.

I was pretty too at 20-21 I was looking fair and cute without makeup in broad daylight BUT he ruined me

I remembered that all these factors which make me feel hopeless now after he has spoilt my looks were the same things I OVERLOOKED he was 7 years older than me and I was 20 back so it’s not like he didn’t have bad days, I said I hate myself but I loved him even when I saw his feet in the pic they were looking Dark Brown Sindbad promotional event when i last stalked in 2016 Feb I still loved him and told myself you can’t even imagine hating someone’s tired feet white or black, especially him I loved him blindly and dearly. And in other pics he was looking dark extremely dark so I thought he looked like that naturally otherwise I wud distance myself from fair or rich ppl NEVER even now, is a NO so I didn’t hate him in fact I loved him but I’m hopeless, then I was thinking about weight gain due to my sedentary life HE GOT ME BED RIDDEN otherwise I was 30 kgs due to stress in 2019, but I had a muscular physique (naturally) so I was broader and taller than Aneri not that petite otherwise she will read this and tell everyone I was rejectable she got a love bite I’m an untouchable virgin till now and she will tell everyone I deserved it, no I was broader and slightly taller too due to my bone structure (long hands and legs) they would tell me I should become a model when I was in my teens

He ruined that also, but I saw a sign which reminded me of something related to him so it wasn’t just his dark feet or complexion I had also seen his double chin in 2014-15 and puffy face and pimples too and I still loved him dearly. And when I was talking about “tond” Hindi word which another girl had mentioned cuz she was conscious about it I remembered THAT IN HIS BIRTHDAY pic he had that also! When I last saw in 2016 and I still loved and respected him inspite of that TOND I would’ve never left him and been around forever and ever I loved him that much

and I was punished for it.

He was poor too I still loved him. I was okay with 1% of looks and 99% ugliness or whatever poor financial status poor grammar etc. the complexion the tond the double chin the repeat clothes everything I had to share that cuz I want other girls to understand that you are NOT a loser if you feel conscious about the same things. I liked him irrespective of that and I didn’t want anyone else but him. Unfortunately he wasn’t like that and he turned out completely different and wrong I told God if he would’ve sent someone who was actually like that (full of flaws) he wouldn’t have done this. He is very proud of himself. I cried a lot even while arguing with God.

I was okay with 1% looks like I said but I didn’t want someone who was scary, boring, dull, random or creepy. I am from Gen Z he’s a millennial his parents are boomers mine are Gen X so obvs I wanted someone who would speak my language and keep up with my pace, someone of my caliber who would fathom what I’m saying but I was FORCED to talk to illiterate ppl who were adding me as “secret admirers” random creepy salacious pervs from Bhopal and all they would not understand a single word in English totally incoherent and uneducated ppl all uncouth from some village area, they weee creepy ugly not even those 1% looks scary NO STYLE even if he repeating his clothes it was different this man was nowhere like him I’m from a metropolitan city from the newer generation NO ONE WILL ACCEPT OR TOLERATE THIS NONSENSE! That perv ewww his eyes were demonic as if he wud wear Kajal (kohl) and he was very lecherous and all yucks full por-nhead I didn’t deserve that! He couldn’t even say “What’s up?” No youthfulness I wanted someone of my level like Harsh but he was chasing ppl out of his league.

And here’s the BIGGEST thing which haunts me and makes me cry day and night, whenever he wud block I wud black out and get a hammering headache and my heart wud stop too after that I got that destabilising “cluster headache” issue and fibromyalgia due to constant torture he kept blocking and liking sporadically FOR NO REASON but he was trying to lure and humiliate me and show me - this is the main part due to which I can’t live and I cry, he was trying to prove that I’m my worst nightmare I’m a “creep” like that Bhopali perv and I deserve to get married or rapd by one. It’s the same thing if girls aren’t attracted (moreover he’s illiterate n pervy and he doesn’t even understand any English or anything to talk in common he won’t understand my ideas he’s to salacious anyway) ITS NOT “double standards you misogynists” there’s a scientific réason which I HAD ALREADY DEFIED for his wrinkles, his advanced age, his double chin, his complexion which was there in the photos his Tond (that Hindi word) his horrible haircut, and all those erroneous pics which made me believe he was ugly in real life and natural lighting only 1% looks where 0.5% was style and personality, AND I STILL LOVED HIM

I defied that scientific logic for him cuz I loved him.

I can’t get rapd by someone who doesn’t even have that 1 or 0.5% you want to read that tond part again? If we aren’t attracted then we aroused and then we are not lubricated either and then it’s forced entry which is r-ape. Lubricators don’t work so many girls have complained and why shud I?

I was molested when I was in KG as a toddler that’s how our life is in India and I shud let someone like that creep touch me? Forget lubrication!

He showed me that I’m my worst nightmare and I deserve that.

That Bhopali and another Bihari guy TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM (didn’t want to get communal not all Biharis are such but ppl are sick of each other in their own culture even in our religion I don’t want to get married to Dadi-walas bearded men cuz they keep 2-3 wives illegally another girl was complaining about it that too in Hijab don’t underestimate Muslim girls) so they took advantage of that and created an ID called Harsh last year to write something in their horrible grammar/English and then as a backup plan block me to torture me more as Harsh this time he wasn’t him it was a fake ID but he blocked too and made Preet block me too after I sent those LINKS with signs cuz he hates them and he doesn’t want to see them I sent them again from my laptop’s iMessage. He turned a blind until he managed to get Aneri’s signs too (the DEVIL shows her numbers) I had seen Zara Rajput NOT just numbers like her’s and I had also seen several ZH here and there and even SHARED all those shocking screenshots all across social media, with all the relevant markings and stuff. Our names had again come up with 53-23 marriage signs and all this has happened many times before, even our birthdates but he will not even look at them

I wanted a platonic relationship but then some fortune telling site LITERALLY SHOWED ME this - I wasn’t expecting that it had my words which I never VOICED

I would say in my head that I don’t want to ruin anyone’s life I don’t like “INJUSTICE” even though scientifically it pains girls not men if they aren’t attracted to anyone, but I opted to be the nail instead of the hammer cuz I don’t want to be my worst nightmare like he showed, so that was however the Injustice part I like fairness and I didn’t want injustice for anymore so I came up with platonic which meant love and care but no intimacy, but I knew that the other person might not care if he’s not ready to (fully) accept me in a complete relationship like I overlooked Harsh and all those things if it’s not like that then I can’t expect much concern either.

The site said “Going through the hardest things ever, unimaginable struggles and pain but Giving Blind JUSTICE to others and ignoring the natural and immediate need for care, love and intimacy.” It’s as they read my platonic idea or mind :/

I jotted it down so that I can be more comfortable in a platonic relationship but I didn’t want to budge from that. Or else I wanted you o be just house mates. I was cute and fair once and his pics too had only that 1% looks and I loved him but things changed and he left me behind. And even ruined me.

He is making me feel like I’m my worst nightmare you know how or why you’ve read enough I can’t keep typing you know he’s still DOING THAT he knows about the ring too and those signs and the Devil’s involvement BE KEPT TURNING A BLIND EYE until his Friend DIED and how shameless he’s still doing that.

Fetch Diana’s post she was afraid of car accidents and the devil made sure her car would run into the 13th pillar and there were more numbers which I can’t even take here which I saw in Harsh’s case cuz he was HELPING THE DEVIL in surfacing me my worst fears and nightmares, inspite of OUR MARRIAGE signs he got married and it still kills le I wasn’t ready to stalk him so the Devil Killed Aditya Singh Rajput like Diana to show me Harsh’s ring. He knew my fear of rings EVEN IN INDIA where it’s highly uncommon, they exchange rings there but I was afraid of spotting a gold ring on his ring finger which I eventually saw at the funeral.

He was insensitive to me and he left me to did but that new fake wife had him wrapped around her finger in no time he was putting reels with Jiya hardly in Oct last year I saw due to an accidental click on a fanclub ID and within a few months that new woman GOT HIM LAID that too forever. He didn’t throw the ring. I’m dyi-ng after this I just wanted to share this whole culminated note to describe everything for one last time but his love for her and insensitivity towards me is killing me that too for no reason - Zara Sauleh Bye you’ll never see more signs again I’m dy-ing forever. He was the worst man I had ever met after my mother I’m dyin-g that virgin and it’s okay ur fake wife must be used to this, she’s that creep you were showing me she’s SHAMELESS and opportunistic that that Bhopali to take advantage and come and sleep with someone else’s LOVE I’m not you’ve read enough.

Zara Sauleh

Additional notes copy pasted after which I’ll die a silent death:

Aneri was white like Mohsin and Aaditya Kapadia and Srman Harsh was never that fair, Aaditya however is married a girl who’s dusky and darker than me, and Srman too was seen with the darkest girl possible way more darker than me… it was some random sketchy girl though anyway Harsh is the only one chasing someone whiter. And HE TURNED OUT TO BE MY WORST NIGHTMARE

For girls it’s not easy to look good, we lose a lot of haemoglobin count during periods, speaking of pms this is why it’s easier for men to look better - we get PMS symptoms for almost 20 days they start before our period at times even 11-12 days prior and last all the way for another 10 days and then Ovulation, during both the times we are in pain even during the latter and our skin breaks out, our hair is frizzier, we get bloating not only in the stomach but also in the face, fingers and legs… so if we’ll match our looks we are going to end up with someone who’s dumb average minded and it’s riskier because as “men” they aren’t safe they don’t have noble intentions, these same people who wouldn’t have anything to talk about will only think of fcking and it hurts girls not men if we aren’t turned on or aroused, none of us is in interested in their body girls have assets to turn men on men have nothing, except for the face and some even have a very feminine physique even though women are more likely to gain weight (again due to science and comparatively a slower metabolism) so they literally have nothing and if we aren’t aroused then we aren’t lubricated (girls have already said lubricators don’t work) when we aren’t lubricated it’s a FORCED ENTRY ITS RAPE I mean clearly we are not even interested… then they don’t match our mentality thoughts or caliber eww. In India the problem is men are chasing girls who are out of their league they all want someone one notch higher when the fact is it’s easier for them to look good unlike us who face pms and ovulation (read that again) for 30 days that’s almost a month so it should have been the other way round.

[the-firebird69]

News people are starting to get to me couple more days and I'll be gone because they'll be hauled off it's really getting to someone. I've heard stories of this before people in a culture together and they're just agreed to die or something it sounds like this. But you go out there that does look like it what's your threatening all sorts of people. It is fairly ignorant. This morning we had several signs of an impending action here. Motors loading up certain pieces of equipment it's designed to pull up to the house and rip the doors out. I've seen the only user about eight times in Northport last year but it made headlines. Several people saw it going to pay you back by satellite and reported it. It says it revs up it's got a PTO and it's like a claw you have an excavator the post into the door or threw it grabs it presses it a little and then the machine goes backwards and the doors get ripped off even if they open inward. Huge numbers of them would rather stick their head in the sand and annoy people in doing so they come over like strange birds looking for bird feed. The real situation and they know about it but it used to be really obnoxious to poor decision people don't want them to think their way out of a paper bag and they oblige. One of Tommy f people got up and leave some as long as Sun a bad person or something cuz people are glue. The reason for the machine is some of them is seen it plenty in Iraq and Afghanistan both sides of coin and someone has devices it will send it off on this machine it has a scanner too it's designed to breach and disable right now it's in Northport there's about 20 of them and it's going to be headed towards Venice and Englewood and there's more up in Sarasota. At this rate and per their plan there will be a punta Gorda in 2 days to clear out every household. So the douchebag like a 7 year old child has to go near our son's bike she's a little b****. And no wonder they're hated but anyways couple days I'll be here that equipment is reserved for when they're at like 98% clear. Did Tommy f that walked by his area is 95% clear and they have no presents there so came down here bothering our son. Doesn't want to go below because it's a massive war zone. There's more going on.

It's a bunch of people to go steaming by him they show up younger later. Was under constant threat so they get stupid stuff never been war going on and they don't care about it I think they're accepted or something and they're getting hauled off every night so damn nightmare and heartbreaking stupid. The scan the s*** out of people all the way to the exact bone structure. Good giant number of people who are desperate and don't need to be there compiling a list now. I'm going to get back with that guy I'm sending units after him.

There's some more going on too. The despicable place to begin with and it's too many people here bothering him directly they do you want stuff and all that and we haven't provided anything for anyone so I don't know what the hell they're talking about turn around and Max smiling it's his job as the devil to do that kind of thing to people set the hook create the addiction feed it and educate people about it hold on people. What time over a long period of time with many it's like set in stone and the reactions of people bewildering. It's a lot of annoying noises all day long. The two more things going on a few besides that I'm ignoring the big picture mostly well they don't know what it's going on here and it's starting to hurt it's going to turn horrible in hours. You're a 4500 people in punta Gorda being arrested every hour no excuses that the storm brought miscreants and they're going after them finally. So the guys are trying to imitate a Mac and they know that one and Mac has approved him to say the stuff these guys rather have their head in the sand. Comes up and ask if he works for the government my son says no and ask him if our son is a spy whose face said no he doesn't sound strange so yeah certainly does doesn't it. Furthermore they hv this shows I'm going to tell who's missing tonight and Jane and Trump today they're doing it they say it they're doing it and then he says he's a CIA guy and her son says no that's bja and he's not effective anymore. Says you're a simple person the AI does what you want and has practically all you need that's really very lacking you're too stupid to know any better aren't you the max explained too hard you don't have the other computers no one will probably be destroyed or already are.

The son finds it amazing who's been doing this for years like 10 years on purpose and the guy finally figures out what it is truthfully the lady told him what he said so they started stocking him a little more and figures out that it's Tommy f idiot follow me that doesn't look like he's a forgiving guy so good luck with that you people are stupid you're annoying I don't be near you anymore. And her son says that and Stan's house there's a lot of action around here and the people are being tricks and you can see them all doing it it feels for him but they're doing it to him and they won't stop what we say is you're going after each other too and your pieces of s*** it's no longer helpful to anybody and we do want you people out of here... and we agree with Stan. He's a small contingent in the military as does Biden and we do ours is a little bigger and the foreigners was bigger and these idiots don't have anyone in there besides to live separate crime lives because they're they're the only criminals and other stupid s*** things like that when it's a complete lie? And it's going to be over pretty soon. I give him like one or two more hours of snow but really it's ending and it will be a lot better. There's also about 00 people trying to get into the police force and they're doing it in a bad way and they're not going to get in. And a sun learning the hard way not to put your finger in that little time thing so she's angry and he says well it clamps down and you can't get it out and she said oh.

They're invading here shortly now they're doing it off and on in military garb so these people are going to be dangerous off and on no all day long I'm sending in units now. We got a positive on the building huge fights are going on them to try and get there

Thor Freya

I'm worried but they see it and it's going on and it is going to be different and it's not as bad as I thought it would be so I'm very thankful for that

Hera

The movie on to something else people are very odd and cranky and mean and they don't really do a good job in anything but they do get the work done so I noticed what they're saying

Olympus

[malleux]

idk if my request went through cuz my internet went weird just now-- but anyways, could I perhaps get a soft corpse x reader in which they're all playing among us and Rae or Sean invites (y/n), who none of them have every heard of, and she's just very shy but has an adorable childlike voice, and is an incredible imposter? Like she's just super convincing just like corpse, and can tug at the heartstrings with her voice? thank you!

spell. | corpse husband

part two ; part three

-> Pairing: Corpse Husband x Fem!Reader

-> Fandom: uhh youtubers? idk

-> Genre: Fluff, Crack

-> Warnings: Cursing

-> A/N: hi it’s a long overdue corpse fic :) it’s not the absolute best and for that i’m super sorry i’ve just got to get in the groove of writing for him!

corpse husband taglist is closed!

You were never one to enjoy the spotlight. Instead, you were often found in the background of things, just observing the extroverts who managed to get themselves in the middle of everything.

You had a nerve to admire them- their ability to just get out there and show their true selves, despite so many people watching their every move. Just the thought of it made you shudder. Yet you couldn’t help but also be rather envious of them.

Them, in question, being Sean McLoughlin.

You weren’t quite sure how you became associated with Jacksepticeye himself, choosing to focus on the present and future with your friend rather than dwelling on your past. He was just Sean, your internet friend. And also Jacksepticeye- a famous youtuber with millions of followers.

Sean was who you aspired to be in life. Outgoing, happy, out there, everything positive in life that Sean had, you wanted.

He’d confided in you often about how nervous he’d get before streams or videos, fearing that he’d say the wrong thing or upset his fans, but he still put on a brave face and went out into the chaos. That’s what you admired. His ability to conquer those anxieties.

You wished you could do that. You were simply too nervous.

Which is why when Sean facetimed you one night- morning, actually, seeing as it was 3am in California, where you were- asking you to join a game of Among Us for one of his videos, you adamantly refused.

“Why? Please, Y/N, we need one more person.” Sean begged, “It’ll be me, you, Felix, Ethan, Corpse, Julien, PJ, and Dave. Not everyone’s playing today, it’s a smaller crowd.”

“But it’s still a lot.” You groaned, “I don’t even know them. I just know you.”

“They’re nice! You literally watch their videos.” He argued back.

“That’s the point, Sean! They’re famous, I’d just be some random chick in the game that everyone asks where the fuck she came from.”

“No, you’ll be the girl that everyone adores. Now get on, we’re playing in ten.”

You sighed as the phone hung up and turned on your computer. A Discord invite was waiting for you- Sean must have invited you for you to talk to everyone as you played. You accepted with shaky fingers and put your headphones on, pulling up Among Us and typing in the game code.

“Hello everyone- wait, who’s pink?”

“She’s a good friend of mine,” Sean explained to Felix, “Say hi Y/N. We’re streaming live right now.”

“Hello,” You couldn’t help the meek tone in your voice, smiling shyly as if you were actually on camera. “Wait, you’re streaming? Sean, I thought you said it was a recording for a video.”

“I, well. It’s a video all right.”

The group laughed, but you stayed silent, fixating your attention on a lower voice that chimed in at the end.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Corpse.”

“The King of Imposters.” PJ joked, making Corpse laugh.

You giggled a bit, “Hi…”

Felix gasped. “Corpse, her voice is like, the total opposite from yours. Her’s is so cute.”

Corpse laughed as well. “Agreed. I like it.”

As the game loaded, your heart practically dropped.

Imposter.

As if your nerves weren’t bad enough as they were. But, on the bright side, you were with Sean as the other imposter. At least it was someone you knew.

You both split up, you heading towards Electrical. Corpse and Felix were close behind you, Felix following you into the room while Corpse left. You pretended to do your task for a minute before moving to your left a minute and killing Felix.

You rushed out of the room and then headed to Navigations, making sure to avoid anybody who could have seen you leave Electrical. A few moments later, a body was reported.

“Where was it?” Sean asked Julien, the reporter.

“Electrical.”

“I saw Y/N go in there with him at the beginning of the game.” Corpse joined in, “I saw them as I was going to the Reactor.”

“I was in Electrical with him,” You admitted, still acting a bit shy. What could you say, deep voices and new people made you nervous. “But after that I left and went to do my task in Navigation. Felix was still alive and there when I left.”

“Did you pass anyone sus on the way there?” Sean asked.

“No, if they came in after I did it must’ve either been from the other way or after I was already in Electrical.” You started picking at your nail polish- a habit of yours when things got a little overwhelming.

“So you’re saying that it could’ve been from the direction Corpse was in?” You could hear the smirk in Sean’s voice.

“Whoa, whoa, hold up. Why are you so quick to throw me under the bus? I’m just a crewmate.” Corpse questioned, “You’re pretty sus if you ask me.”

Sean scoffed, “I’m just inferring that the culprit came from your direction. Never in my words did I say it was you. Sounds like you’re getting a little too defensive for someone who’s ‘just a crew mate’.”

“Uh, guys,” You quietly spoke up. You didn’t expect anyone to hear you, but Corpse and Sean immediately quieted down at your voice. “I hate to interrupt, but we’ve got to vote. I don’t want us to argue…”

Sean laughed. “Oh little Y/N, you’re too sweet. I’m skipping this round.”

As you voted to skip as well, your stomach clenched when you heard Corpse quietly repeat “Little Y/N”.

꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂꧁꧂

“It’s Y/N, I’m fucking telling you! Y/N!” Julien was practically screaming at this point. You tried to stay calm, focusing on keeping your voice steady.

The group had been calling you cute and adorable practically all night, so you were seriously about to put that to use.

“I was in Medbay with Corpse, isn’t that right, Corpse?” Your tone was sweet and slightly flirty- hopefully he’d get the hint.

Corpse hesitated for a millisecond- long enough for your breath to catch, but short enough for nobody else to notice. “Yeah, she was with me.”

“She was with you after she vented there!” Julien cried, “I can’t believe this- she killed Ethan and vented away right as I went into the room! You all are fucking nuts if you don’t believe me.”

“I don’t even know how to vent…” You murmured innocently, but in reality you were smirking. Julien was definitely telling the truth, and you were internally beating yourself up for letting yourself be so reckless after a kill, but nobody was seemingly buying his story.

There was only you, Corpse, Julien, Dave, and PJ left. Sean was voted off after fucking up his alibi, leaving you alone with the rest of the group.

Corpse sighed. “You all heard the girl. She doesn’t even know how to vent.”

“Wh- she just fucking vented!” Julien exclaimed, “Corpse, man, she’s got you under some fucking magic spell if you can’t see all the evidence. Guys, back me up here.”

“She’s sus.” Dave admitted, “And Corpse defending her makes it even more sus.”

“The spell she tried on him obviously got the best of him. I say we vote Y/N.” PJ agreed.

“There’s no spell, guys, oh my God.” Corpse laughed, “I just don’t think it’s her. I’m skipping.”

“I can’t believe you guys don’t believe me!” You whined, deciding to go further with your emotional tactics, “I’m literally about to cry. It’s not me!”

And yet, despite your protests, Dave, PJ, and Julien all voted you out. Crewmates had won the game and you were giggling nearly like a maniac as everyone gushed about how you did as an Imposter.

A bit later, you had to say goodbye to your new friends and face the reality that their fans would definitely find who you were by tomorrow. Or like, in a few hours, because it was already 4am. Corpse was in California as well, wasn’t he? He should be getting some sleep too, you thought. But maybe sleep schedules were different for Youtubers. You didn’t know.

You pondered the thought for a moment before the notification sound for Discord alerted you of a new message on your phone.

Corpse:

Just letting you know, your voice definitely had me under a spell. I’d like to hear it more often