#theyre mailing slow as shit

[scribblescrabbledepartment]

valentimes for my friendss

[ID: nine cut-out collage hearts covered with various scraps of paper, wrappers, washi tape, and other various colorful scraps.]

[sinkableruby]

What are your thoughts on each Monogatari season?

ok this will end up long... (like really fucking long holy shit lol) im gonna go from first - monster season (which is the light novels), so only read up to where youve seen. mostly only vague discussion of spoilers but still. ill put the individual parts of each season too for reference, in the order i watched and try to go over them briefly since i feel like you cant talk about the whole of the seasons without touching on the parts

first (kizu, bake, nise, neko black) - the kizu movies are so good!!!!!! i like them more and more as time goes on theyre like a fine wine. captures the vibe of a sort of proto-monogatari monogatari very well. it might just b because i watched it in this order but this is honestly my recommended order to watch the series. idk maybe you lose something from not seeing how mysterious shinobu is in bake and then getting the big reveal. bake - nice and airtight. very cool and classic vibes here, very nostalgic. cool introductions to all these cool fun characters while also giving them arcs that are resolved except nadekos but yeah. and of course this one has the very unique art direction thats super cool nise - just had a post about this so go look at that if you want my thoughts. drops a big theme that keeps getting developed which is the kinda important thing u gotta be doing during a season called the "first season" lol neko black - ehhh i think this is one of the worst ones of the anime entries. its not bad. i like the op a lot overall extremely nostalgic and very high quality, especially with kizu and nise in my mind. a bit of a bump with neko black but a very strong start in general. the first season offers much room for the themes and characters to grow but also stands well on its own. so it does its job well. (also note im not gonna be talkin about like the ost too much here just bc. i love all of it so much. its exclusively good.)

second season (neko white, kabuki, otori, oni, koi, hana) - season full of bangers lets go! neko white is the wonderful resolution to the buildup of hanekawa's character we'd been getting since the first season. very good kabuki is interesting... but definitely not the strongest entry here otorimonogatari is what originally hooked me once and for all on the series, for reasons ive explained before so i wont get into that too much here. but god do i love it to death. whew its good oni could hit much harder than it does but it doesnt. rip. still not what id call bad but eh koi is fuckin awesome. kaiki and nadeko... i'd talk more at length about certain parts i like but im writing this backwards from the later seasons to the earlier ones and i talked way too much about the later ones so im trying to conserve space here. i might talk about it more later or if someone asks me abt it hana i have talked about a bit before too but i love hana hanas great. so then all in all it's like 4 bangers. a great development of the characters we know and love and one that is so well written and just done in the best ways... i loved where this season took everyone. i think the non chronological stuff can be a hit or miss for ppl but i honestly really like it, especially on rewatches. when you think about it the order never feels pointless. even tho hana is chronologically after all the other anime arcs its still not at all something i would say you should watch after zoku lmao. the season does well as a continuation and development but not a conclusion to the series, and thus spendidly fits the role of "second" season.

final season (tsuki, owari part 1, koyomi, owari ge, zoku) - there are ups and downs to this season, but the ups far, FAR outweigh the downs. owari part one... its really good. i think shinobu mail (thats what its called right?) is like kind of slow at first, and i definitely wasnt SUPER invested in it on my first watch, but i think on a rewatch after you get past the first like episode or two it really starts to pick up and shine. that is not why i like it though ougi formula to sodachi lost is incredibly fucking good all the way through, some of the strongest entries in the series by far. i might do like a ranking of each part sometimes and those are definitely going in s tier when i do (even nisioisin said his favorite anime part was ougi formula in an interview although that might just be because he loves mysteries lol). hooooghhh those three arcs,, sodachis story is revealed and developed very wonderfully and impactfully and you kinda love her right from her return to the school where she screams at araragi. and of course, of COURSE ougi is the absolute goat in these arcs, revealing the mystery in the engaging and entertaining way she tends to while also being an incredible point of intrigue herself in her whole enigmatic shtick. and of course, if you know you know, but that doesnt make it any less enjoyable on rewatches ougi is just that entertaining of a character. not to mention her showdown with hanekawa... its so entertaining to see these two battle so passive aggressively or just plain aggressively. and the way it ends up is not surprising but it IS hilarious. and then the convo with sodachi in her apartment... heartwrenching, incredible. all of its very very good. probably some of the most fun ive had watching anime, these three arcs grab you and youre just along for the ride the whole time. i'd love to talk about it more in depth some other time probably FUCK that was just owari part one too koyomi we can go through quickly though. its just like a sorta reminder of where each character started and ended up, as well as giving a few details to set up owari ge. nothing special or bad. i love the ED tho oh fuck are you gonna make me scream about owari ge... this post is already way too long fuck... uhh basically mayoi hell + hitagi rendevous are great in and of themselves and are also wonderful buildups to ougi dark and the conclusion of the series. its so fun how it sneaks up on you that yes, ougi is the main antagonist (at least from second season - final). ougi dark................. ougi dark..... ougi dark. yeah ill save this for a different post. um, one billion out of ten? i literally think about it every day thats not a joke so i dont think i can talk about it here without running out of space (do posts have word limits?? whatever its too long already anyway) overall a very tight and absolutely wonderful conclusion to the series. in my mind this is like the "actual ending" and the light novels and other stuff that comes after is like bonus epilogue stuff (not that its not canon its just that ougi dark is too solid of an ending. its TOO good do you understand)

and now time for the light novels

off season - i think in general this season is pretty strong. i was pretty invested in how it was really taking the time to give characters other than araragi the focus, at least until musubi. but even in musubi its sort of like a "where are they now?" so we get lots of details about all the characters. although i think in musubi its a little hard to read bc we also get all these new characters that we dont necessarily care about (esp since its very much like a one-off thing), but i dont mind it that much because thats not what i like it for... the cool part is seeing the characters we love and where theyve ended up and where theyre going. like the part in (i think) mitome wolf? where hanekawa and araragi have drifted super far apart... wonderfully bittersweet. and i have a separate post about this but seeing ougi free and unable to be bothered in their new life? chefs kiss wonderful love it. so i think even though musubi breaks the format of taking a break from araragi, its still good enough to not bring down off season really. and on that note i honestly wish monster season would be more like off season. i dont really want to see stinky araragi's pov anymore! i think he should take way more of a backseat and instead make more guest appearances in other people's stories, like he did at the end of hanamonogatari. not that i dont like him (its a hate love relationship) but i think honestly hes really interesting in hana where we see kanbaru's view of him instead of his view of everyone else as usual. i love so much how the monogatari series Feels Different in different people's perspectives so i want to switch it up more!! of course he is the main character so i dont think this will happen but like. i'd much rather get kanbaru's misadventures with ougi than araragi's college misadventures. and of course i cant talk about off season without talking about nademonogatari. nademonogatari is SO FUCKING GOOD holy shit... i think i speak for a lot of people when i say nadeko is by far the strongest narrator in the series due to her arc's progression and her character development-- and even before it too, cuz otorimonogatari's narration was also really unique and engaging. it helps that she's my second fav but i think nademonogatari is generally well liked? and for very good reason. which is also why...

monster season - haven't finished these season still have to read ougi fright/flight and the next installment but yeah i feel a lil disappointed in this season because again... too much araragi. get this dirty stinky man outta my face. again i love and hate the guy but cmon let's be real... his peak was in owari ge and zoku and at the end of hana. i really dont feel the need to see more of him. of course the stories themselves are interesting and i like nisioisin's writing but i just find the stuff thats not narrated by him such a breath of fresh air... i really want to see more nadeko and kanbaru narration. i hope nisioisin, if he keeps on trucking through the series, will start putting more real focus on these two. or even like. just anyone else. give us ononoki again give us sodachi again. i want to see the other characters journeys!!!! we keep getting small little nadeko chapters like with mayoi snake and yotsugi shadow and like... those were awesome i loved those! more of that but longer please nisioisin!!! i feel like raising up kanbaru or nadeko more to the status of "mains" would be honestly really refreshing and a much better, less like.... stagnating? direction to take the series in ummmmm also nisioisin isnt writing about ougi enough ://// like... hellooo? ougi pov chapter when?? itd be the most fun thing ever nisioisin???? hello??????? hes so insistent on not writing them i swear he wants to relegate them to a side character spooky appearance every once in a while and thats cool but like im starving here dude cmon... even in the book named after them they dont get a pov chapter and only appear as a side character.... wtf........................... like thats so fucked up.................................................. especially since the parts where they acc were there were rly good :( but basically araragi stinky i want to cleanse my nose palette please PLEASE nisioisin throw him in the trash for a long while longer im begging you it'd be so much more interesting if you just let him become a side character his days in the sun should be OVER

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH

[titsthedamnseason]

I just read your "Julian's birthday" headcanon and you can BET im crying rn and yet two seconds later in your asks for an "Emma's birthday" one. Because in LM it always said how she respected she isn't a Blackthorn, and that they aren't related, but now that she's dating Julian and even before that she's always been family but doesn't expect them to go all out for her birthday and help! im emotional---

okay im here bc we are in late feb - early march aka: any day now could be emma’s bday!! catch me crying in the club okay here we go

julian’s birthday

so her first birthday dating julian was spent on their travel year in mexico

she got to spend it with julian and cristina––her two best friends so she was really living for it

they had a great day and went out for dinner and such

full swing celebration and presents and lowered legal drinking age

she loved every second of it

in the past, she had never really wanted to impose on the blackthorns 

even though they always had parties for her, and got presents, and made a big deal, she was always saying how they didnt have to 

and plus sometimes she got sad that her parents werent around

but once she starts dating julian it’s full swing ahead she is officially allowed to make demands of him and you bet your ass she does

her birthweek is a thing and she lets no one forget it

she also never fails to bring up her half birthday, more as a joke than anything, but julian loves her and so he does actually start giving her half birthday presents and they both kind of want to hate it but at the same time no theyre too in love to really care

anyway her birthday is her favorite excuse for everything 

“dru, please come to the store with me”

“no”

“but my birthday is coming up!”

“it’s in two months!”

dru goes anyway

no one can forget her 21st birthday 

like of course emma had been drinking way before then and it’s not like she hadnt had a few drinks in front of the fam before but this is another story

she makes julian drive her around all day so she can purchase her own alcohol from literally anywhere she can

she proudly and drunkenly whips out her newly acquired mundane id in every bar to prove her age

she buys grocery store wine just because she can

by the time julian gets her back at the institute for her actually party she is so far gone

she is babbling on and on to julian as he is basically just carrying her up the stairs trying not to laugh at her

she looks down to see what she’s wearing and is so pleasantly shocked to find her favorite dress

she keeps asking julian where it’s from and if she can keep it - it’s just stupid shit like that all day

anyway they go through the door to find everyone waiting in the entryway

the blackthorns, cristina, diana, kieran, the carstairs fam, the tmi crew, etc etc

emma immediately lets go of julian, swaying only slightly, and proceeds to hug as many people as she can

“jace! why are you here??”

“it’s your birthday”

“oh yeah! hahahahaha-MAGNUS HI WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE”

“oh hello emma”

clary gives her a birthday crown and she nearly cries

diana is trying to communicate with julian over the huge crowd, because: “it isnt even 6:30 yet are you serious”

julian only shrugs with a smile and tells everyone to go upstairs for dinner

emma is telling a slightly terrified looking jem a story that is somehow louder than every other conversation happening

at one point julian, cristina, and mark are sitting and talking, emma next to julian, playing with the straw in her wineglass, oblivious to the conversation until she hears 

“no one is getting any tonight, emma is way too drunk”

she drops her wineglass

she vows to slow down but she also tells julian to ‘chug chug’ to catch up so theyll be even aswedxcrfv

anyway by the end of the night everyone had so much blackmail on her she never lives it down

but okay moving on

especially in the years immediately after the events of tda emma gets so touched by the blackthorns doing so much for her birthday

because it just showed that all those years it wasnt just for julian’s sake or because she lived with them 

it was because they cared about her and it really shows through how seriously they still take celebrating even when her and julian move out and how as they get older and can buy her things on their own their gifts are really thoughtful and not cheap or anything

emma learns over the years that her favorite way to spend her birthday is just with her closest friends and family and that as long as julian is there she doesnt really mind

she might start to stray away from big parties as she gets older but she never lets up on presents

she will tell you if your gift is bad and will remind you of it forever 

once diego mailed her a scarf that he’d thought was so pretty but emma thought was the ugliest thing she’d ever seen and she just mailed it right back with ‘i live in la. try again’ written on it

diego jokingly gives emma and julian a tablecloth with the same pattern on top of their actual wedding gift and him and julian cant stop laughing but emma is NOT amused 

she straight up burns it on one of the torches and that was that

she also refuses to tolerate joint birthday parties with julian

whenever someone suggests it since their birthdays are so close and everyone is gathered together already she is adamant that they each need their own celebration and julian highkey agrees

they both just want the other to have a special day dedicated to them im not crying u are

also this is more about julian’s but she refuses for anyone to make the new year’s eve celebration double as julian’s party

julian spoils tf out of emma on her birthday

he just cant say no to her about anything on her birthday and he knows it, she knows it, everyone knows it

they say he’s too whipped but he’s just like ‘yeah. and what about it?’

one of emma��s favorite parts of her birthday is julian’s card to her, even more than the presents

he always writes her the sweetest and longest stuff and she always cries

she can only read them in private because it makes her feel so exposed

and one of emma’s favorite presents she’s ever gotten was for her 19th birthday

her first birthday spent in la with the blackthorns since being with julian

they all made her a scrapbook, starting with little infant emma and julian next to each other wrapped in matching blankets

them reaching out to each other at two years old from cribs on opposite sides of the room

five year old emma and julian dancing

and it’s just them growing up together

a singular page dedicated to them as parabatai, with photos from the ceremony, of them showing their matching runes, fighting together(emma just jokingly shakes her head at this page but she’s been crying since page 1 and this doesnt help)

then it’s finally pictures of them after the curse, on their travel year, cuddling together, goofy selfies

and the whole back is blank for them to keep adding and she BAWLS at that

emma cries every year on her birthday, the question just becomes ‘what will it be this year’

everyone places bets of course and sweet emma has no clue

kit wins basically every year and is known as the reigning champion

when emma does find out she doesnt tell anyone and just helps lead kit to further victory

julian makes her paintings every year of stuff to “wrap up her year”

he paints collages referencing the best, worst, funniest etc things that happened and she loves them

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 6

DC did it first. Take your grievances to them.

Jason and Sheila e-mail back and forth for about a week before she says that she has Thursday off so if he has Thursday off does he want to meet for lunch again?

Last time wasn’t bad. Not a lot of staring or people or anything. He can…he can probably do it again. And it’s a few days away still, so he has time to psyche himself up or, worst case scenario, fake his death and move to Canada.

And it’s been a week and she hasn’t pulled out the Pity Card on him yet and maybe…maybe this’ll all work out okay. She might never be Mom, because Catherine’s always gonna be Mom, but…but she could be Mother, maybe. He can see that in the distant (or not-so-distant?) future.

But he’s not going to rush into things, that’s what got him here in the first place. Patience, grasshopper.

Thursday rolls around and he hasn’t faked his death and moved to Canada, so he has no choice but to put on jeans and a hoodie and resign himself to a couple of hours, easy, of no sunglasses and no e-book shield.

Sorry, any small children who might come out of this traumatized.

Okay. He brings his Kindle anyway, and his sunglasses for the journey, and sticks to his normal Civilian Weaponry-couple’a knives, one pair of brass knuckles tucked into a hidden pocket in his hoodie. Last thing he needs is for someone to pick up a bullet, match it to the Red Hood’s, and come knocking on his door. His luck is bad enough that’s exactly what would happen.

Besides, it’s noon on a Thursday, and even in Gotham that’s a slow hour. Bank robbers gotta eat, too.

The monorail ride there is literal Hell (three fighting couples, two crying kids and old man with no personal spaaaaace!) and he’s literally gasping for air when he stumbles out of the car. He likes people. Honest. If he legitimately hated them all, he wouldn’t risk his life to help them. But interacting with them…he could do without that, mostly.

Whatever. Whatever. It’s over, he lived, he’s had worse.

(And no, he doesn’t hear faint cackling in his head, and that’s final.)

It’s windy today, the type of wind that buffets people every which way and is determined to keep his hood off his head. He fidgets with the drawstrings until it’ll stay and buries his hands in his pockets. Wind sucks. He can feel pollen and dust and Gotham Grime being blown onto his skin.

“Jason!”

Is he there already?

Sheila…looks a lot more haggard than she did before. He tries to remember if she’d mentioned being horribly busy, doesn’t think she did, and figures that to be fair, he hasn’t mentioned the bruise that goes halfway up his back.

She smiles, her awkward driver’s license smile, and waves. Yeah, she doesn’t…it must’ve been a long week, or maybe a rough drive or something. She looks tired.

“Hi.” He’s not sure what to call her, still. Miss Haywood is too disconnected, Sheila’s too personal, and it’s way, way too soon for Mother. Names are a pain. “I’m not late, am I?” He knows he’s not. “Monorail was packed.”

“So was the subway. Can I…?”

Her arms are half-out and he figures she’s asking for a hug. He can do a hug, as long as it’s a short hug.

“Yeah. Thanks for the warning.”

Holy crap, she feels frail. But to be fair, barring Dick’s tackle-hug, everyone’s felt frail since…since. So it could just be him. Hugs are weird now.

(“HUG YOUR DADDY!”)

No. Not today. Everything’s fine.

It’s a sort-of short hug, short enough, anyway, and he wonders, abstractedly, if a day will ever come that he’s used to that sort of thing again. If it even matters whether he does or doesn’t.

It does. Of course it does. And the day will come, in time, and he’ll be better, be normal, be what people want him to be.

Little steps.

* * *

They’ve fallen into a companionable silence and for once Jason’s not jumping whenever someone walks by in a purple sweater or anything when Sheila forces her lips out from between her teeth and says, “I know you were Robin.”

Well. That’s, uh, there’s that out of the way.

“Yeah.” There’s clearly no point in denying it. She probably put it together when Batman came knocking. “For a little while, yeah. I was.” He tastes blood, wonders how long he’s been doing that, and wishes he had gum. Or a mint. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right off, I just…old habits die hard, I guess.”

“Oh God, no, no, I didn’t mean-” She takes a drink. Her hands are shaking, she’s shaking and he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “I just. I thought I should probably make it clear that I did know, so you wouldn’t…I know I was absent, but I don’t want…you shouldn’t feel like you have to hide things from me.”

Oh. That’s. He doesn’t know what to say. Bruce, God knows, has the emotional capabilities of a Himalayan Salt Lamp. Thankfully Jason hadn’t been the type to go through crushes every two weeks, or he probably would have been in Hell. He certainly wouldn’t have…it’s not like he would have shut down the conversation, but sharing and caring? That would have been awkward and best not repeated. Alfred was the go-to for that sorta thing.

All right, then. Since they’re dropping sudden bombshells ‘n all…he has to know.

“You worked for Joker.” There. It’s out. He said it.

And now he kinda regrets it-the self-loathing on her face is a pretty good match for his own, and he can’t tell himself it’s anything less than deep, deep wishing to have made better choices.

“I did.” She straightens up, begins tearing apart a piece of bread on her plate. “Briefly. I’m not proud, but he had a line to my mother, knew where she lived, knew her schedule…knew.” She swallows hard. “Knew she had to rubber-band her jam jars because she couldn’t open them otherwise. I panicked. But it was only for a couple of months-pills, he wanted pills, as much as I could get him. And then he just…went away. I don’t know what he did with them.”

Honestly, after everything, he can’t…he doesn’t have the right to say much. And honestly? There was that one guy, who accidentally cut the fucker off in traffic and couldn’t get away from him.

And look at him. The first man he killed, that wasn’t…oh, sure, he probably had it coming, at least a little, but Jason wasn’t thinking about that or considering it like he does now, he just…he wanted to kill Bruce. Because that was right and reason at the time even though he knows it’s insanity now.

No, he can’t say much.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, and it’s suddenly easier to look at his hands. “I didn’t…that sounds awful.”

“No.” She tips his chin up and it’s an effort not to pull away and to remember that it’s fingers, warm human fingers, and not the pointy end of a crowbar against his skin. “You deserved to know. It’s only fair.”

Truth be told, it’s a relief to know that she hadn’t…yeah, technically she could’ve…maybe done something different, but she hadn’t wanted to work for him. She wasn’t like the ones he’d christened Dumb and Dumber that…they enjoyed that kinda work.

Lunch is finished in relative silence after that, though, and he’s wondering what’s going to happen now when she rifles through her purse and swears.

“Damn…I meant to grab an old photo album I wanted to show you, with some old family pictures and things.”

Pictures of Willis? Yeah, he’s good. Pictures of other people might be interesting, though.

“Next time?”

“My apartment’s a few blocks over.”

Something feels off. He’s paranoid, he knows he’s paranoid, but something…she’s been shaky and weird all afternoon and he doesn’t…

Calm the fuck down, you freak out when someone window-shops for too long!

“Is everything…is everything okay?”

Or maybe something is wrong-she pulls a napkin over and there’s suddenly a pen in her hand.

“I really do want you to see these pictures, Jason,” she says, but her hand is moving and there’s the ever-so-faint skrit-skrit of pen on paper. “I swear you got my mother’s eyes.”

The napkin slides over to him and he glances down. Her handwriting’s spikey and awful-doctor writing to the bone-but his is no better and he can read it well enough.

An old colleague has been hanging around the hospital lately.

Oh.

That explains a bit.

“Sure.”

Her shoulders drop and she crumples the napkin, nails picking it into shreds.

“I’m sorry to do this to you,” she says softly, nearly too soft for him to hear, and he’s quick to shake his head.

“No, no, I don’t mind, I’m glad you…if there’s anything I can do to…”

Shit, she looks like she’s going to start crying and that is indeed PANIC in his throat. Tears are not good.

“You’re a good boy.” Her voice is watery but there are no tears to be seen. Thank Jesus. “I promise next time we have lunch it’ll be normal.”

Oh, good, things haven’t plummeted down to fiery Hell because of all the revelations flying around.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” he says, and whoops that’s his ‘all will be well, citizen, never fear!’ voice. But it must work, because the about-to-cry look disappears. “Um. Do you wanna…it looks like it’s gonna rain, should we get going?”

And so they do.

* * *

The wind has picked up and it smells like rain. He’s not looking forward to patrol later.

The wind’s not so bad, though, to stop Sheila from lighting up with a self-depreciating, “I know I’m a doctor and should know better, but I honestly don’t care.”

“I can’t really say anything.” He holds up his own pack and rattles it before pulling one out. It’s not as calming as it usually is and he doesn’t know why.

Eh. It’s been a long day, that’s all. He’s not used to interacting with people on a personal level anymore, which is his own fault and probably not necessarily a good thing.

The first few drops have started to fall when they arrive at her building-big, square, and simplistic. She fishes out her keys while they’re in the elevator (which smells like new car, for some reason).

The hallway is deserted. It’s a little creepy, to be honest-his own building might be crap, but there’s always activity. And then, of course, there was Arkham’s hallways, or what he could hear of them. Noisy. Always noisy. But this? Wayne Manor was silent like this. It unsettled him then and it unsettles him now. Call him a city boy, whatever, but he needs noise.

The brass knuckles and knives in his jacket are warm and comforting and he knows he’s not gonna need ‘em, but they make up for this creepy-ass silence.

Sheila opens the door and motions him inside. It’s dark inside-blackout curtains, probably-but he can hear the rain. It smells like new car in here, too, and he wonders, off-handedly, why-

-it’s not empty. He’s walked into one too many ‘empty’ buildings to be very, very attuned to the sound of somebody breathing. Okay. Be calm, back out and shut the door.

He’s about to do exactly that when the light switch clicks and bathes the whole place in stark white. White walls, white floors, white furniture.

Which only makes Harley Quinn stick out like a sore thumb in all that red and black.

“BAY-BEE!” She could never hope to match Joker’s grin, but she gives it a good go, stretching her makeup. Okay. Change of plans. Get Sheila out of here (and preferably out of the building), deal with Quinn. “It’s been a whiiiiile!”

He takes in the mallet leaning against the couch and the shotgun (are those fuzzy dice? Really?) in her hands and comes to the conclusion that great, she’s riding the crazy train.

But maybe she hasn’t seen Sheila yet. Where’s that goddamn light switch?

He moves, only a little, only to feel the unmistakable press of a gun against his lower back.

“Don’t. Move.”

And the world drops out from under him.

No. No, no, no, she said she quit, it was over, she said they’d let her go, she said-

The door shuts. He twists so he can still see Quinn in his peripheral. Sheila’s face is a blank mask-no tears, no joy, no nothing. Just quiet determination and he doesn’t understand, she said…

“Mom?” The word feels thick and wrong in his mouth, but maybe…maybe she’s brainwashed or hypnotized or something, maybe she doesn’t…isn’t…

“Sorry, kid.” The words are harsh but her tone isn’t. Quinn giggles in the background but she sounds so far away and Sheila’s still pressing a gun against him. “It was you or me, and, well…it had to be you.”

What?

“Aww, come to mama, baby!” Quinn giggles again before straightening up and scowling. “Now.”

His feet drag him forward, sneakers scuffing against the white carpet an’ Heaven’s s’posed ta be white, innit, so why does this feel like Hell and what’s going on she said she said-

For once horrible, desperate second, he wants Bruce. Bruce wouldn’t…yeah, he’d thought, at first, that he’d left him but he knows that he didn’t, he really didn’t, he just…

Bruce wouldn’t have pulled a gun on him, he wouldn’t and God, if he’d just fucking talked to him-

“I did what you wanted, Quinn.” Sheila’s voice is so, so flat and is this all she wanted from the beginning? Is it? “Now call your man.”

Quinn doesn’t even look at her. She’s looking at Jason like she always did-like she’s torn between wanting to rip his head off and wanting to wrap him in a blanket and keep him.

This is his own goddamn fault, he just thought…just once, just once-

“Quinn!” Desperation now, and the gun wobbles against his hoodie as she steps out from behind him. “I did what you said! Call your man!”

Okay. Okay.

He forces himself to take a few deep breaths that taste like that last cigarette outside and says, voice as steady as he can make it, “Let her go, Harley. Leave her alone, I’ll. I’ll do what you want, just. Just let her go.”

“Aww, look at you!” Her pigtails sway and he finds himself oddly hypnotized by the movement. “I knew ya had to be Robin for a reason.”

Yeah. Yeah, he was Robin and that’s all he’ll ever be, the one that fucked up.

“Please, Harley.”

“Nyeh…” She adjusts her grip on the gun, finger dancing near the trigger, and looks down at her knuckles. “Eeny, meanie, miny, moe, catch a Batman by the toe. If he hollers, let ‘im go, eeny…meanie…miny…moe!”

He sees it before she does it, but there’s no time-he’s moved maybe half a centimeter before the gun goes off-

-and Sheila.

Falls.

His ears are ringing. They’re ringing and everything’s so white except her, all blonde and blue and so fucking red because Harley didn’t miss and if he’d been quicker, he should have been-

“Aww, don’t be sad!” Harley’s not alone, of course she’s not. He should have known from the start stupidstupidstupid. “Doncha know what happens to people who know too much?”

Her eyes are open. They’re open and they’re looking at him like this is his fault and it is if he hadn’t…

S’like Joker said, once.

“Good boys know how to lay down and DIE.”

“Mistah J had a spot for ya, baby.” Huh? “But you up an’ left us before it was time! So since it’s his birthday-” The fucker has no birthday he just appeared one day too evil for Hell. “-I thought I’d get my puddin’ somethin’-” She winks. “Real nice.”

And they’re on him.

Harley’s goons are dumb, but they’re also big and they manage to drag him down for a minute before he gets a knife out of his sleeve and drives it into the nearest jaw.

“Andre!” Yeah, Andre ain’t comin’ back from that any time soon. “I thought we taught you manners!”

He reclaims his knife and scrambles back up and okay okay maybe he can get outta this-

WHAM!

Lights out.

[kitkatcadillac]

this is a... crummy, crummy post, and you should ignore it, but idk. its more (possibly ill placed?) apologies and not a whole lot of action to fix what im apologizing for. not for lack of wanting or anything, i just?? dont know how to fix it. i dont know what im doing.

i am. sorry. if you try to talk to me sometimes and the conversations are brief and kind of awkward. ive always known my mental health and ability to socialize were on the downward slope since my dad’s shitty dirtbag girlfriend came into the mix and my family fell apart (so about six years now), but i never really realized until recently how badly it’s affected me.

back then i still had family and nearby, irl friends to come and either pull me out of my room or hang out with me almost all the time. i stayed in my room or avoided a lot of people around the house, but i always had friends or my brother or dad to talk to. (also therapy and medications, which helped vjsjf)

but around when my dad passed, that sort of worsened. id lock myself up and avoid people. never really had to leave my room, since it had a bathroom and a minifridge. but i still had people whod come try to talk to me.

when i got kicked out of my house and moved to VA, though, that changed. i lost my dad. my brother and me got separated, we see each other maybe once every other week. i lost almost all of my friends, and the ones i have i have trouble connecting with; theyre just other long distance friends now, who i also share brief and sort of awkward attempts at conversation with. when i got here, i didnt realize how bad that was. i knew it, and i felt it in some ways, but it never really *clicked.*

and im thinking, and im marvelling... that when i got here, people wouldnt see or hear from me in days. they werent even sure if i was home, or if id eaten, or anything like that. it could be days, or a couple weeks in some extreme cases, before anyone saw me if they didnt come pull me out of my room. and i wouldnt talk to anyone. i didnt want to, for awhile. not at first. i was hurting. i didnt trust anyone. so much of my family was still fighting with me and my brother over stupid shit, and it still felt like my dad’s body wasnt even cold yet. i hated everything.

but now im, like... feeling the effects. in a lot of ways ive changed, and healed; im feeling that i dont connect with anyone, and i want to have friends! i love people again in theory, and i love love LOVE the people ive managed to surround myself with in my online spaces, and i like to bother my brother and aunt and uncle and cousin sometimes just to go someplace, do something, get out of this awful, shitty box i lock myself in once in a blue moon. not frequently! it takes some weeks and its usually an impulse, but i take what i can get.

but i realize... that outside of my job, 95% of the time nobody ever, like... sees me...... come out of my room. because i dont. i dont know how anymore. even on the days i DO feel okay and want to come out, im almost always deathly afraid of being caught by the people who live here, who have the goodness in their hearts to let me live with them. because of course theyll wanna talk to me, and theyll have questions. they love me! they worry, and they havent seen me in forever. days. a week. did i work today? have i worked on driving? did i get my mail? am i looking for classes? hows the korean going? talk to your friends lately?

i dont know... how to answer those questions. i dont know how to talk to my coworkers, or my family, or my friends, no matter how badly i want to. i dont know what to do, or how to ask for anything. i dont know how ive kept it up for so long. i dont think anyone realizes how bad it is because they never see me, and when they do its just. brief. im perky, and cheerful, and at the minimum i can keep pace for about the time it takes to give a full Customer Service Experience(tm), since im well practiced in that.

but i cant fathom how anyone can live like this. somehow being around people i feel i should be able to communicate with makes me feel more distant than ever. i dont know how much i can take, or how i really got this far in the first place.

but im sorry i dont know how to connect anymore. im sorry i waste your time with subpar relationships and an inconsistent presence. i havent been all-there in a long time, anyway, i dont think. im sorry i made you think otherwise.

but i hope you know you all mean a lot to me, and i do genuinely treasure the time im gifted. youre so wonderful and kind and warm and talented, and im so blessed. but please never let me being sick and slow and stubborn or apathetic slow you down or hurt your feelings in any way. always do whats good for you.

im sorry i say ill do so much. one day ill know how to again. maybe.

[bronzeflower]

Who The Fuck Writes A Ten-Page Rant?????

Also on ao3

-----

Chapter 6: A Message At Long Last

It had been days since you saw the cute guy, and you have basically given up any sort of hope that he would actually message you.

To be fair, it had only been one or two days, but still. Anyway, you still had stuff to work on, so there really wasn’t any use in moping about a cute guy you talked to for a grand total of four minutes and thirteen seconds.

Someone was pestering you, so you decided to answer, only to find that it was a handle you didn’t recognize.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

CG: I CANNOT FUCKING *BELIEVE* THAT YOU ARE THE SAME FUCKING ASSHOLE THAT TEREZI GAVE ME THE CHUMHANDLE TO.

CG: I WASN’T GOING TO TROLL A DUMBASS LIKE THAT, SO I DIDN’T FOR WEEKS BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A STUPID WASTE OF THE PRECIOUS AMOUNT OF TIME I HAVE LEFT. CG: AND YET, HERE I AM. CG: MESSAGING YOU. CG: BECAUSE I DECIDED THAT THERE WAS A POSSIBILITY THAT YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETELY AWFUL PERSON. CG: ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT YET, I’M THE GUY WHO WORKS AT ROSEMARY. CG: YOU KNOW, THE STORE YOU WENT TO GET A SUIT AT.

TG: holy shit you actually messaged me TG: this is the best goddamned day of my entire life TG: ive been blessed with your presence

CG: DAMN RIGHT YOU HAVE.

TG: you seem a lot more angry over text though

CG: IN CASE YOU FAILED TO NOTICE, I WAS AT WORK WHEN I MET YOU. CG: I WAS ACTING “PROFESSIONAL.” CG: PEOPLE DON’T USUALLY TAKE KINDLY TO OTHERS YELLING INSULTS AND CURSE WORDS INTO THEIR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS

TG: so are you always this angry when youre not at work

CG: YES.

TG: goddamn TG: also, you know tz???

CG: YEAH, SHE’S A CHILDHOOD FRIEND, AND SHE ALSO DEMANDED TO GIVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE DESPITE ME SAYING THAT I ABSOLUTELY DID *NOT* WANT IT. CG: BUT YOU GAVE ME YOUR CHUMHANDLE ANYWAY, SO IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERED.

TG: wait but why did she give you my chumhandle in the first place TG: did she just up and decide that we needed to be friends because she and me are friends and so are you and her

CG: NO. SHE GAVE IT TO ME BECAUSE I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT THE NEW FUCKING MEMES GOING AROUND THAT ARE BASED ON A VIDEO YOU MADE. CG: I COULD MAYBE HANDLE THE VIDEO. CG: IT WAS KIND OF FUNNY, AND KANAYA SAID I SHOULD TRY LAUGHING AT MY PAST MISTAKES INSTEAD OF GETTING ANGRY AT THEM. CG: BUT THE MEMES. OH GOD THE MEMES. CG: THEY WERE THE MOST HORRIFIC THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE, AND THAT’S PRETTY FUCKING DIFFICULT THING TO ACCOMPLISH, SO I GUESS I AM FORCED TO GIVE PROPS TO THAT. CG: BUT THAT DOES NOT NEGATE THE ESTABLISHED *FACT* THAT THEY ARE THE WORST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY EXISTENCE. CG: THEY MAKE ME WANT TO STAB MY EYES OUT AND BE BLIND FOR THE REST OF MY WAKING LIFE. CG: I WON’T EVEN GET TEREZI TO TEACH ME HOW TO SEE BECAUSE THAT WOULD ENABLE ME TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A WHIFF OF THE SHIT PEOPLE PUT ON THE INTERNET. CG: I’LL JUST GO THROUGHOUT MY LIFE BEING PERFECTLY FUCKING CONTENT WITH BEING ABLE TO SEE JACK SHIT.

TG: are you the guy who sent me that ten page rant then TG: because that was fucking amazing TG: best goddamn thing i ever seen TG: highlight of the year

CG: IF THOSE GOD-FORSAKEN MEMES BECOME THE MEME OF THE YEAR, I WILL FIND SOME WAY TO MURDER YOU IN THE MOST SLOW AND PAINFUL WAY POSSIBLE.

TG: ouch TG: guess im going to have to resign myself to my death TG: because that meme is the best TG: it will live on for generations TG: it will never get old TG: we will be on the edge of death all wrinkled and dying of whatever old people die of TG: like a heart attack or something TG: and then i will turn to the nearest person and speak with my dying breath TG: “maybe one day my death will come so i never have to look at your god-forsaken channel ever again, you complete and utter douche muffin” TG: and then theyll start laughing because they love that fucking meme TG: memorized the entire goddamned thing TG: it will be taught in schools TG: kids will have to recite an excerpt of it to the class TG: analyze the shit out of it TG: where does all this guys anger come from TG: nobody knows TG: theyll just have to guess until theyre blue in the face

CG: THE WORDS. THEY DON’T STOP. CG: I’VE JUST BEEN OVER HERE POLITELY WAITING TO SEE IF YOU WOULD BURN YOURSELF OUT. CG: BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE THE ABILITY TO GO ON FOR UNTIL AFTER THE UNIVERSE END UNLESS SOMEONE SHUTS YOU UP. CG: AND CLEARLY THE UNIVERSE HAS GRANTED ME THIS VERY IMPORTANT RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE SURE YOU DON’T RUN YOUR MOUTH FOR ALL ETERNITY.

TG: clearly the greatest honor to ever be granted to someone TG: the privilege to tell the dave strider to shut his pothole

CG: SHUT YOUR POTHOLE.

TG: hahahaha TG: on a completely different note what even made you write a ten page rant about my channel anyways

CG: MOSTLY THE FACT THAT IT WAS A STUPID CHANNEL. CG: BUT ALSO THE FACT THAT IT WAS THREE AM, AND I HADN’T SLEPT FOR A WHILE.

TG: so what youre telling me is TG: you *actually* sent me a ten page rant when you were that sleep deprived TG: no wonder it was so incoherent

CG: I COULD PROBABLY HAVE WRITTEN IT BETTER IF I WASN’T SO TIRED. CG: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE BEST GODDAMNED PIECE OF WRITING IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE CG: NOTHING ELSE COULD EVER COMPETE TO THE MASTERPIECE I WOULD HAVE CREATED. CG: HOWEVER, INSTEAD, MY PAST SELF, AND BY THAT I MEAN *MYSELF*, WRITES A HEAPING PILE OF FESTERING SHIT.

TG: point taken TG: the question here is TG: will you ever write this masterpiece TG: will i ever get the pleasure of reading this glorious piece of hate mail directed towards yours truly

CG: NO.

TG: wow harsh TG: shut down immediately TG: didnt even get to go on a weirdly personal tangent TG: would have been fantastic TG: i have no conceivable idea of where it would have gone TG: but i can guarantee it would have been the second best thing in the universe TG: second only to the hypothetical rewrite of the glorious hate mail that you sent me

CG: AND IT WILL STAY HYPOTHETICAL FOR ALL OF ETERNITY. CG: I REFUSE TO EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. CG: HOW DID I EVEN GET TO THE POINT IN MY LIFE WHERE I AM MESSAGING YOU. CG: OH, WAIT. NOW I REMEMBER. CG: IT WAS BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T A COMPLETE ASSHOLE IN PERSON. CG: CLEARLY THAT DOES NOT TRANSFER OVER TO TEXT.

TG: im hurt karkat

CG: SUCK IT UP, DINGUS.

TG: dave actually TG: i dont know if i actually introduced myself to you

CG: I DON’T THINK YOU DID EITHER. CG: ALTHOUGH, I THINK YOUR SISTER INTRODUCED YOU, BUT IT OCCURS TO ME THAT I DIDN’T ACTUALLY CATCH YOUR NAME WHEN SHE SAID IT. CG: IT’S A MIRACLE YOU ACTUALLY REMEMBERED MY NAME.

TG: what can i say im good with names TG: and also multiple people said it in my presence so i guess there is also that

CG: I GUESS

TG: …

CG: …

TG: …

CG: …

CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE BOTH OF US ARE OUT OF THINGS TO SAY FOR ONCE.

TG: huh TG: i suppose so TG: …

CG: I GUESS YOU COULD PESTER ME IF YOU EVER FIND SOMETHING TO RUN YOUR MOUTH ABOUT. CG: OR I’LL TROLL YOU ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER. CG: LATER THOUGH. CG: BYE.

TG: see ya

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

You sigh, a bit sad that the conversation ended, and then you immediately decide to inform others of this happening.

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

TG: rose rose youll never guess what happened

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] is an idle chum! --

TG: i guess you will never guess what happened since you arent even hear to guess TG: what are you even doing TG: please dont tell me you went into your writing bunker TG: if you did i wont be able to talk to you for at least a week if not more TG: and no one else will be able to either TG: what if kanaya tries to message you TG: assuming you actually exchanged contact information TG: how long ago did you even do that TG: how could you not tell your own brother that you got a girls chumhandle TG: have you asked her out yet TG: it would be great if you were on a date instead of in the writing bunker TG: then people could actually contact you and you wouldnt be completely isolating yourself from the rest of the world other than brief trips outside to get food TG: anyway karkat messaged me and we had a conversation TG: i would tell you more about it but it seems you are an idle chum TG: pester me later if you want the details

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

TG: tz youll never guess what just happened

GC: 1M GO1NG TO T4K3 4 W1LD GU3SS 4ND S4Y TH4T K4RK4T F1N4LLY GOT 4ROUND TO M3SS4G1NG YOU

TG: youd be correct TG: how did you know TG: i mean i know that he got my chumhandle from you but also he refused to message me for weeks

GC: 1 H4V3 4 C3RT41N T4L3NT FOR KNOW1NG TH3S3 SORTS OF TH1NGS GC: 4ND 4LSO K4RK4T 1S Y3LL1NG 4T M3 1N 4NOTH3R CH4T GC: 1 H4V3 OPT3D TO 1GNOR3 H1M FOR NOW GC: 4NYW4Y, WH4T D1D YOU TWO T4LK 4BOUT

TG: we talked about memes

CG: M3M3S?

TG: yes memes TG: specifically the memes that erupted after the rant video

GC: OF COURS3 GC: H3 W4S V3RY 4NGRY 4BOUT THOS3 GC: WH1CH R3M1NDS M3, WHY D1D H3 M3SS4G3 YOU 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3 1F H3 W4S SO 4G41NST 1T B3FOR3?

TG: okay so remember the cute boy i was talking about like two days ago

GC: Y34H

TG: that was karkat

GC: … GC: … GC: …

TG: terezi?? TG: did i actually break you or do you just need a moment to process the information i just gave you TG: yo tz i need some confirmation that you did not just die from an overload of information TG: hit me up with your response TG: are you alive

GC: NO

TG: thank god youre not dead

GC: TH4TS WH4T TH3 GOV3RNM3NT W4NTS YOU TO TH1NK

TG: shit youre right TG: the government is doing all this nasty shit and now they are making it so we think we arent dead TG: how do we know the government isnt dead though

GC: SHHHHHH GC: TH3S3 4R3 TOP S3CR3T GOV3RNM3NT S3CR3TS YOUR3 SPR34D1NG 4BOUT GC: YOUV3 GOT TO B3 MOR3 D1SCR3T3

TG: discrete is my middle name

GC: NO, YOUR3 M1DDL3 N4M3 1S 3L1Z4B3TH

TG: shit you got me there

GC: 4ND YOU 4R3 4BOUT 4S D1SCR3T3 4S 4 TR41N CR4SH GC: YOU COULDNT BE D1SCR3T3 1F YOUR L1F3 D3P3ND3D ON 1T

TG: those are some harsh words

GC: 4R3 TH3Y WRONG?

TG: …

GC: 1 R3ST MY C4S3 GC: 4NYW4Y, W3 H4V3 GOTT3N 3NT1IR3LY OFF TR4CK FROM TH3 CONV3RS4T1ON 4T H4ND GC: R3G4RDL3SS OF HOW MUCH FUN W3 W3R3 H4V1NG W1TH TH1S S3CR3CY T4LK GC: WH4T 4BOUT K4RK4T M33T1NG YOU 1N R34L L1F3 CH4NG3D H1S M1ND 4BOUT M3SS4G1NG YOU?

TG: i honestly dont know for sure but he said something about me actually not seeming like a complete douchebag in real life

GC: M4K3S S3NS3 W1TH HOW FLUST3R3D 1 4M 4SSUM1NG YOU W3R3 GC: TH3 GUY W4S COMPL41N1NG HOW YOU W3R3 COMPL3T3LY MONOTON3 1N 4LL OF YOUR V1D3OS GC: 4ND TH3N H3 S33S YOU H4V3 4N 4CTU4L 3MOT1ON >:O GC: 3SP3C14LLY 4N 3MOT1ON WH3R3 YOU SHOW TH4T YOU L1K3 H1M GC: TH3 GUY 1S 4 SUCK3R FOR ROM3NC3 GC: NOV3LS 4ND MOV13S 4L1K3

TG: holy fuck TG: i cant believe i kind of flirted with a hopeless romantic

GC: 1 HOP3 YOU DONT TH1NK TH4T H3 W1LL D4T3 YOU JUST B3C4US3 OF TH4T

TG: of course not TG: im not some goddamned creeper TG: if he doesnt want to date me thats fine TG: it would be great to be friends with him at least TG: i had fun talking to him earlier

GC: D4V3

TG: what

GC: 1S TH4T 4N 3MOT1ON 1 SM3LL?

TG: oh my god tz we are not doing this for the hundredth time TG: we get it TG: i TG: the cool kid TG: has emotions like every other human being on the planet TG: its not such a surprise anymore

GC: YOU H4V3 4N 3N1R3 GRUBTUB3 CH4NN3L D3D1C4T3D TO R3V13W1NG TH1NGS 1N TH3 MOST 3MOT1ONL3SS W4Y POSS1BL3

TG: … TG: ok thats fair

GC: BUT 1M W4RN1NG YOU NOW 4BOUT K4RK4TS LOV3 OF ROMCOMS GC: H3 W1LL T4LK 4T L3NGTH 4BOUT TH3M 4ND TH3R3 1S ABSOLUT3LY NOTH1NG YOU C4N DO TO PR3V3NT TH4T FROM H4PP3N1NG GC: SO YOU M1GHT 4S W3LL G1V3 UP HOP3 NOW

TG: god damn TG: and here i was TG: woefully unprepared for the potential onslaught of romcoms TG: and then you come along TG: with all your future knowledge and shit like a some kind of seer or something TG: and allowed me to arm myself with the knowledge that karkat really fucking loves romcoms TG: thank you for you have done a great deed

GC: JUST W41T UNT1L H3 FORC3S YOU TO W4TCH TH3M

TG: is that a thing he does TG: aggressively shoves romcoms into his friends faces TG: how are yall still sane

GC: 4T SOM3 PO1NT YOU L34RN TO 4CC3PT YOUR F4T3 B3C4US3 1T 1S E4S13R 1N TH3 LONG RUN GC: 4ND T4K3S UP L3SS T1M3 GC: YOU C4N 4LSO JUST F4LL 4SL33P DUR1NG TH3 MOV13 GC: K4RK4T W1LL B3 TOO 1NTO TH3 MOV13 TO 4CTU4LLY C4R3

TG: good to know TG: i thank you for the sheer amount of wisdom you hold

GC: YOUR3 W3LCOM3 GC: OH 1 H4V3 TO GO NOW GC: 1 H4V3 4 D4T3 GC: >;]

-- gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling turntechGodhead [TG] --

TG: wait hold on who are you going on a date with TG: shit TG: youre already gone TG: ill weasel the truth out of you sooner or later TG: or i guess youll just tell me TG: same difference really TG: or maybe not TG: whatever TG: case still stands that i will find out who you are going on a date with TG: i want details TG: except maybe not really TG: i would rather a brief overview of the date if that is possible TG: please dont go into weird tangents about how much you licked them TG: because that would be awkward and weird TG: anyway TG: later

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --

You decide to take the remainder of the day to work on some more videos. After all, you know Terezi will probably tell you who she went on a date with sooner or later, and Karkat said he might message you in the future. You can't help but smile at that. He was fun to talk to, so it would be nice to hear from him again.

[foreverjola]

Its happening again.

 When I was in high school I started to self harm. That was my outlet. I didn’t really know what I was doing. But that was around when emo kids got popular and cutting  yourself was a thing I tried. So was banging my head against the wall, beating my chest, and other things. I tried to put up a seld-madep 8.5x11 poster on my ceiling that said ‘hate makes the world go around’. I do not get along with my parents. Not on good days. Not on bad. On good days, I can fake it. On bad days…if you’re not Nigerian you won’t get it. If you are Nigerian, you won’t get it. To this day there are so many times people talk about things they did or didn’t do as kids, that I would never have dreamed of doing. Little things like sleepovers and game systems as kids have turned into control of my freedom and independence as an adult. For some reason I don’t like regret so I don’t regret up upbringing – but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. For a hot second there middle school, I wanted to have kids so I could inflict upon them as much pain as my parents did upon me. I literally wanted to cause harm to my unborn children, because of their future grandparents. Thankfully I got over that, unfortunately I got into cutting. Now I’ve decided to have children (and adopt/foster!) to show love to kids in ways my parents never did to me. Some part of twitter was having a conversation about their strict parents. And how they always get lectures for staying out late. Number 1 – you get to stay out late? If I walk out of my house to check the mail, my parents pounce on me? Friends complain when I have to leave a party early, but it took weeks of preparation (including lying about the occasion, the people, the beverages, and more) to get me here this far and I canNOT fuck this shit up. There was a point a few years ago when I had enough had got a friend to come pick me up so I could leave. The way my father yelled at me, and my mother refused to stand up for me as she stood by him. My sister – literally the only reason why I have made it this far in life – was already asleep by this time so I was all alone, in my childhood living room. My friend was out front in her car waiting for me, not realizing how seriously it was, and slightly annoyed that it was taking me so long to walk outside after she texted me. My father threatened to disown me – a very real and scary thing which I had seen happen. Although fun fact – one of my mothers family members has done some illegal things and tried to drag my parents in it and my father is fighting tooth and nail for HIM but has never EVER gone to bat for me. So I stayed. Again. Like I always do. And like I always kills myself. After high school igot free to college and started the slow process of improving. With the help of friends, bsu, nsa, and uci, I became my own person, with my own thoughts, views, opinions, beliefs, interests, likes, dislikes, and I was happy. And after graduation when I couldn’t find a job as we millennials are wont to do.i moved back home. And died. I was slowly reverting into my high school self. I didn’t like who I was. I lashed out on social media and worried quite a few people. And then I got into grad school. This time instead of down the freeway I moved across the country. And with the help of new friends, and old friends, I was once again free and happy. After graduation, I got an internship. I got an apt. there was hope. But. The internship ended. No job offer was made. Paychecks stopped coming. The lease ended. And im back. And im dying. Im a really joyful happy person. When I feel safe and loved and happy, im always happy. I cant stop smiling and joking and loving life. I came home for Christmas and its been downhill since. Im hateful, jdugey, spiteful, angry, pissed off, cursing, angry, and unhappy. I struggle to fake the smile that I learned to fake over a lifetime. A feel like a bottle of soda. I was shaken and then slowwwly opened a little bit  so I didn’t spill over. Then shaken again and sloooowly opened a bit more and somehow still didn’t spill over. But ive been shaken for a third time and literally YAHWEH HELP those within range. Its one thing after another. Day after day. And im struggling to find a way to cope. I was telling my sister – my only reason for living – if something happened to her God minght as well take me too because there is no purpose. I told her there were three reasons  I kept trying to get along with my parents. 1-God. Love your neighbor. Honor thy parents. I’ve tried. And failed. Many times. I love them but I don’t need to be around them. It makes me an angry person and a bad Christian. 2-My sister. She unfortunately still depends on them for money, etc. That works against me as I will put myself through anything - hell and highwater – to make sure that she has what she wants out of life. 3-Money. This God-forsaken has been so FUCKED UP by the past generations that my generation has  no chance. I owe $70,000 to whatever semblance of government is claiming their dictating reign right now. When my lease ended I looked up air bnb’s and they thought to myself, ‘no. sit your bougie broke black ass down and tough it out. You don’t have the money’. If id left, I wouldn’t have had money. But I would have had joy. I have so many things to be angry about that I don’t even know where to begin.

-when has telling someone to calm down ever worked? I got my anger from the nature and nurture given to me by the husband you chose so deal with it

-prayer only does so much. I can have faith ill get the job, but a backup plan helps me not to default on my loans

-not everybody can be a gahdamb entrepreneur. Yes I know so-and-so is. Yes I saw such-and-such product. Its 7 billion people on this earth. If everybody tried to be an entrepreneur, how would that work? Why cant I want a simple job working for someone else? Is that so bad? Working for whoever the fuck I want to make money I can do whatever the fuck I want with? Or maybe even working for someone with a soul and feeling decent about doing that?

-if you call me an adult, treat me like one. If one person is seen carrying pounds upon pounds of boxes and bags to and fro a car for a full hour,, either 1) HELP or 2) SHUT UP and do not ask me that I still have so much stuff?

-don’t tell someone they can do something and then the day of at the last minute change your mind and take it back

-do not tear down people who cannot defend themselves. Do not put other peoples dirty laundry (or what you perceive to be their dirty laundry) out to dry.

 The two times ive been happiest in my life were when I got away from this – financed by thousands of dollars of loans. Im taking whatever shithole job I can find and get and taking out $100,000 grand in loans if any bank will let me and God help me I’m taking myself and my sister and getting us out of here. It’s visibly negatively affecting both of us so strongly.

 When I was growing, my dad had a friend whose adult son disdagreed with his dad (not as much as I did with my parents,  and usually only about one thing, and his mom always took his side.) but still. This went on for a few years, and then  he left. It was tough for him at first. But now hes got a job, a place, a dog, just returned from a trip to Europe and seems so genuinely happy. His parents are still worried about how to get him to do the one thing they want. Theyre carrying that pain n their hearts and he’s living free. I’ve suffered enough. Its my time to be free. Let whatever happens to them, happen to them. I want to be happy.

[scaryscarecrows]

Roots and Leaves, Pt. 5

Jason ends up making a new, not-dorky e-mail to get a hold of Sheila. He’s got two, it’s not that, but one he knows Barbara (and therefore Bruce) monitors, and the other, well…look. Dick made it for him when he was a kid, and…Dick…Dick is Dick. God help him, he thought ‘littlewing@gmail’ was a good idea and by the time Jason actually found out about it, it was too late to do anything.

Oh, well. Everyone hates their first e-mail address. And at least he didn’t come up with that, he had it thrust upon him. It’s something.

He makes a nice, unembarrassing, un-Bat-stalked e-mail and sends a generic ‘hey how are you’. And then promptly pretends to himself that he doesn’t remember doing that and goes to trawl Craigslist for any sketchy-looking ads. You’d think these people would learn that there’s at least a sixty-forty shot of a cop or worse answering, but whatever.

So far, there’s not much-lotta people lookin’ for a dom-oh. Ohhh, that movie came out last weekend, didn’t it. That explains so much.

He clicks back out and channel-surfs for a bit instead, catches two seconds of a promo for something with a bloody clown and figures fuck it, he’s playing Mario Party even though it cheats worse than Penguin’s professional card players.

He’s getting absolutely wrecked by Goddamn Waluigi when his laptop announces that he’s got mail. He pauses-mid-Goddamn Waluigi gloating pose, how unfortunate-and pulls it over.

She has sent him a…it’s a…cat. She’s sent him a picture of a smiling cat. Is this a thing? Is this referencing something? Is she, perhaps, actually related to Dick?

He’s so confused.

Whatever. A quick Google search says that the cat is a thing. He responds with a piano-playing one and an inquiry about work before shutting off the Gamecube because fuck you, Waluigi.

Now what? He’s not good at this kinda thing, never was even…Before…but now? Haha forget it. He can muddle, a little, when people don’t know things but she knows something, clearly, because Batman tracked her down. She knows enough, and invariably there will be pity because nobody, including himself, knows what to say.

He wraps himself up in the blanket that lives on the couch and wishes somebody had written a manual for ‘how to live your best life after spending a year with a mad clown’. But to be fair, there can’t be that many people who lived to tell the tale.

Heh. There’s that one Gotham-based advice columnist, the one who’s there for the weirdoes with questions like ‘I have a hardcore crush on the Riddler, but I know I shouldn’t, please help me’. He could write to that…no, no, that wouldn’t end well. Some weird Joker cultist might come looking for him.

The computer dings again and he shoves a hand free from the blankets. Another cat, and a ‘thankfully slow day. This is his life now, apparently; communicating with his maybe-long-lost-mother through cat pictures. What a world.

He’s not gonna lie, though, the cats are cute and it’s…they’re a good buffer. They’re making this all a little less awkward.

As it turns out, he may come by his ‘God help the dumbasses’ honestly-Sheila has a biting sense of humor and he knows he shouldn’t laugh at the schmuck who got his dick wedged in a coconut, but…but…he’s sure that guy’s probably the same type to take a shortcut down a dark alley. Hell, for all he knows, he’s saved that exact guy from that exact situation.

Bruce would roll his eyes and rub his nose and say nothing. He was never very good at realizing that yeah, you gotta save people, but sometimes…sometimes they’re in that boat because they’re really fucking stupid.

Or at least, he never told Jason that.

It’s another hour, easy, of light back-and-forth before he makes himself send a ‘I gotta get some sleep, I got the night shift’, shuts the computer off, and burrows into his blanket. Bed’s too far away and he’s comfy here.

For once, he’s out cold in five minutes.

* * *

He lives to regret sleeping on the couch. When he wakes up, it’s late afternoon and he. Is. Stiff.

I regret my life choices.

Well. Most of them, anyway.

His computer informs him that Sheila sent him a ‘sweet dreams’ e-mail and, um. It’s. It’s been a while and he’s torn between being gobsmacked and feeling stupid for feeling all warm inside.

Catherine used to-well, when she was…healthy…-she used to read to him from an old, falling apart book of Greek myths. Looking back, she did some heavy on-the-fly editing, because it wasn’t until later that he found out that oh, Hercules killed his whole family, but she did it and after, she used to kiss his forehead and tell him the same thing. He tried to do it for her, later, but he was never really good at it and she never seemed to notice.

He did it anyway.

Stretching gets several nasty pops out of his spine and hips, but he can now move a little easier. He wants a smoothie.

He’s just finished making it when there’s a knock on his door and he frowns, tries to remember if he ordered anything recently. No…so…

It turns out to be Mz. Melinda May, armed with Snickerdoodles. Hell yes.

“Hey, Triple-M.”

“Hey, honey.” She shoves the plate at him. “I don’t trust you not to eat.”

“I do!” he protests, moving out of the way so she can come in. “I just made a smoothie! I made Jambalaya last night!”

That was a bad thing to say. She cocks an eyebrow at him and asks, voice deadly calm, “Did you put a splash of Tabasco in it?”

Shit. He knew he forgot something.

“No?”

“Boy, I told you once, I told you a hundred times…”

“I spaced! I got distracted by something outside!”

She sighs and shakes her head.

“I’m not staying, it’s my bridge night and those old bitches are going down in flames.” Some part of him is, and probably always will be, amused and terrified that she swears like that. “But you don’t take care of yourself.”

“Thanks for the cookies.”

“Hm.” She hobbles into the hall, muttering darkly to herself about, “No Tabasco…absolute disgrace…” and he shuts the door. Shower, then cookie.

…

No. Cookie first. So it doesn’t go stale or anything. Can’t be too careful, after all.