#theyre just worng.

[valodia]

.

[fate-defiant]

malenmalenmalenmalenmalenmalenmalenmalen

[1eeminho]

if u put jelly fish or rays on my dash. I hope u step on lego

[iamafuckinpieceofshitihatemyself]

there is something wrong with me i cant do anything right i cant feel anything right i am a failure everything i do comes out wrong i am tired i am so tired of feeling like this its like theres a stormr in my mind and it goes down on my chest and it hurts so much i hurt people i love its like i dont even know how to be a normal human being talking to other people is a burden existing is a burden i feel everythign and nothing at the same time i cant tell reality anymore i cant trust my thoughts everything i think i dont know if i can trust and the worst part is i know why i am the way i am and i cant fix it nothing i do makes me feel any better everything comes out wrong no matter how hard i try and i am so tired i just want to not feel like my existence is a burden to me and to everyone around me i am tired i dont want to feel like this i dont want to feel like im insane because thats how i feel i feel insane i feel like i am going mad and i need to be put into a hospice because i cant control what i do what i say its like someone takes over me and i am so jealous i cant even hold the thought that someone might like me i cant believe it i feel like theyre constantly trying to cheat on me or doing something behind my back and i do things to them i hrut them by saying mean things and then i feel so alone because everyone is so tired of hearing me talk about the same things talking about them talking insane things i am insane people think i am insane i feel alone i am lonely i am too much and i am nothing

yesterday i freaked out because i watched him take a shot with a girl who he flirted with and i freaked out i was drunk and i was high and i watched it and the way he said it the way he was looking at her it was flirting and something snapped in my head and all i could say to you waas that you are disgusting and i kept repeating how disgusting you are and you got so mad and then we left and you yelled at me in the middle of the street at 6am about what a hypocrite i am because i was talking to my ex you yelled at me so much and all i wanted to do was take back and try to explai n wht happened and you were also high and drunk but you were so violent i got scared you were gonna hurt me so i walked away but the things you said made me feel like i am the worst person in the world the things i do its like i project on you everything that i do you made it feel like i am the disgusting one and i dont know what to think and what to feel and nothing felt real and all i wanted to do was disappear stop exissting because i am so fucking scared of losing you but its like i cant realize the things i do its like everything i do is wrong and i cant do this i cant do relationships i am to much of a narcisist i need everything to be about me i need you to think of me look at me touch me all the time and if youre giving attention to someone else its like my whole world is falling apart and i get so angry and i keep the anger inside me and i talk shit about you to other people and everyone thinks youre such a bad boyfriend because i keep this anger inside me and then i explode and i say mean things and you make m e realize that i am worng and i feel bad but then tehres no coming back, the damage is done, you still slept at my place because you were way too drunk to walk home and the next day was so awkward because i was still and i am still feeling like shit i feel like i fucked everythig up and you were being so nice to me and doing all the right things and i had to go and fuck it up because its just unfathomable to me that you could be nice to me that you were doing nice things because you likeme it must be because youre fucking someone else or talking to someone else and i just cant trust you or anyoen i cant trust anyone not even myself and i feel so insane and i know you think im insane too and i dont understand why you havent broken up with me yet after yesterday i thought it was it and i still think you might come to senses to what a complete piece of shit insane bizarre manipulative crazy bitch i am and just go away but you were still trying i could tell you were stil hurt and mad but you were trying so hard to still be at least a little bit nice to me because you said you want to help me to be better but i dont know if im capable of i dont know if i can ever be better i dont deserve you i dont deserve anyone i deserve to die alone and to suffer and feel this awful feeling in my chest and in my head every day for the rest of my life i deserve to be treated like shit to be yelled at i deserve bad things i deserve to die i should die i should just end things but im not even capable of that im too much of a coward to even rid the world of my awful existence but let it be known that i am aware that it would be better for me and for everyone around me if i just died or disappeared or was just never born at all i am a piece of shit disgusting whore and i hate myself and i wish you wouldve done it yesterday i wish you wouldve hit me i know you would never but i wish you would hit me and hit me and hit me until i pass out wish you would kick me and spit on me because thats what i dserve for all the things ive done to you and to all the other people in my life that ive hurt with my existence i wish you wouldve killed me deep down i wanted you to grab me by the throat and squeeze the life out of me but you could and would never youre a good person and for that i cant forgive myself i should leave you and let you be happy with someone else but i cant live without you my life revolvesaround you and for that i am insane

[zoroshonkingbazonkadonkas]

TRC SPOILERS!!

Bro i know im worng but maybe

Just maybe

Mauras ex lover is the king theyre lookinv for

Liek

I know im wrong

Buuuut

:) could be :) could be not :)

[currentfandomkick]

JL confronts Marinette

From bio!dad Strange au, where they made her kryptonian to keep her alive. This is post-Hawkmoth (debating using a random and revamping Gabriel altogether tbh)

“Don’t.” Marinette was tired of heroes, tired of being one. She had to handle hawkmoth’s fallout, keeping so many secret identities (hers, JL, miraculus team, her gotham family’s) and she just wanted to sleep.

Flash found her first, but Superman grabbed her and put her in the air for a ‘talk’.

“Don’t what?” She knew superman wasnt a detective. She knew he was a reporter though and she could see baiting and needling just under the surface. He’s an interrigator then, she decided.

“Don’t come in and try to fix what the miraculous team already handled. Paris was abbadonned by your league.”

She figured this was about Ladybug. Paris is always going off the the miraculous holders and ladybugs were always deemed the defacto leaders. She liked that Daesuqa (Talia) took over leading long term missions for the most part, handled meetings and politics so her and Chat and the others could be more like the teens they are in theory.

And everyone knew Marinette was Chat Noir’s favorite after she got how many akumatized people to release their akuma on their own? And that she supplied mirauclous users with kwami food (though it was common for many other civilians). It was common knowledge to all, but Hawkmoth apparently, that if Chat or his miraculous team or the entire team was needed, you went to Marinette.

Superman furrowed his brow at that though. “I didn’t know there was an active team here.”

So it wasn’t about the miraculous or years of magic terrorism her city endured?

“Been here for years. Hawkmoth’s sentencing is in a few hours.”

She hoped it was the kwami’s choice. Tikki murmured that people were surprised by what they could live through, and she is thw kwami of life. Tikki would make him wish he was dead routinely. He deserved it for regualrly slaughtering the city.

“No, that’s...” superman shook his head. “I came here to talk to you about...” he gestures to her then. She didn’t get it until she realized she was floating on her own.

When did he let her go?

“I know you’re Princess.”

Marinette’s blood stopped then. No. He can’t. They can’t.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I know Chloe changed my handle to Princess of Paris a few years ago but indont think heroes can stalk teens for that.”

Good, play into that. Distract until someone you trust can come. She hit an alert on her phone while he wasnt looking.

Pegasus should be here soon.

“I know you know it only as the Chimera project.”

Wrong. It was the surgery that kept her alive.

“And i know you’ve been poisoning yourself to stay hidden.”

Antidotes came from venom. It was fone to ise the stickers, they kept her human. The crystals were for emergencies only.

“What I don’t get is why.”

Why would she want him to kidnap, or abduct her? Take her from her family? Her life?

Don’t show that you’re who he thinks, anvocie whispered. Keep being the Paris Marinette from social media. The savage who snarled Weredad into submission.

“I really think you have the wrong girl. Its listed under my file as a volunteer flyer that i’m a flying meta, like most of the flyers.” Good, keep it up.

“And superman, if I had to guess why some girl that i look like would supress their powers, its becuase this is France and until the Miraculous team came clean about some being meta, you were imprisoned on suspicions of being meta, even infants were, are in the rest of France. Paris is the only place you arent imprisoned for it.”

Superman paled at that. “I. I wasn’t aware.”

“why would you be?”

Superman did respond to that.

“And if this Princess of yours is still hiding, she might be protecting her loved ones. Or maybe she thinks you’d steal her away from her life and home? Everyone knows about the fortress of solitude and i dont think anyone besides you would like living there, especially so far from people.”

Marinette watched him process. As long as Red Robin didnt see her, didnt confirm her identity, she was in the clear.

“Now if you’d excuse me, I’m needed to finish filling out a report on the final battle.”

That had superman’s attention.

“Final battle.”

“Yes, we just took down Hawkmoth a week ago.”

“He already has his trial, in a week.” Disbelief. Not worng either.

“It took the citizens of paris a week to finish voting. Finally tallies come in tonight if we try him as humans or if the kwami—gods of various concepts—are the ones to try him for his crimes. Afterall, he enslaved one kwami and abused another.”

Superman was not doing well, far too pale. Shock? No, they sent so many videos before the JL banned them.

Guilt. Regret, too. Probably.

“Now can you put me down somewhere? I’m not out as a meta and indont plan on being out anytime soon. Any supporting the miraculous teams do have their enemies too, and i dont want to be targetted.”

Superman nodded. Numb? Possible.

She let hersef be taken down.

Pegasus was there, Flash on his way. Another person who could make her.

She had to move fast.

“I hope I cleared things up?”

Superman nodded.

Max was ready to fight, glaring at the blue boyscout.

“Ready to go Miss DC?”

Marinette nodded, letting him guide her to the portal.

Flash didnt make it in, but he didnt see her face either. She’s take the narrow victory.

They exited in the Paris Grande Hotel. The Mayor had Batman and Red Robin with him. Crap.

“Is this...”

“Our civilian contact, Miss DC,” Pegasus stated almost too professionally. Great, now Red would know they know each other as friends. batman too.

“Batman, Red Robin, correct?”

“Yes. We, we just found your heroes videos and came to help. I see we’re too late too.”

Marientte nodded, avioding eye contact with Red. She wasnt sure if he learned to act infront of Batman yet, and wasnt risking it.

“I heard you came up with many of the emergency procedures and built the comms system with Pegasus.”

“As a flyer, yes. As Miss DC I just make sure the team stays fed and Chat doesnt forget to sleep.”

Batman shot Red Robin a look as he said, “I know the feeling.”

Marinette didnt fight the smile then. Yes, that was her Hero Stalker Tim alright.

“Would you two be interested in helping the league develop a better system to sort incoming messages?”

Pegasus moved first. “If we do, Miss DC is to be left alone. Her mother is very atrict about her not getting involved in science, and refuses to believe that her daughter has been actively helping the miraculous team.”

Batman turned his attention to Marinette then. “Is that so?”

Marinette nodded. “My birth father and her left on... terms i never got the jist of. He and his friends teach me in secret. Mama,” not maman, she forced herself to say, “she said something about it being destructive and dangerous, so she wants me to stick to the arts instead.”

Batman nodded. “Experiments can be, but that doesnt undercut the good you’ve done. I’ll tell the league you will work off-site should you accept.”

Marinette nodded along. “I can help where Pegasus gets stuck, and be contacted through him but otherwise would prefer not to be contacted by the League. I’m a civilian, and no offense, but there ahve been leaks before.”

“Understandable. The league thanks you for your help, and apoligizes for what you went through.”

Marinette could feel the hole Red Robin was burning into her. He earings. And the fox miraculous. Shit. He knew.

Marinette wanted to punch the league in their face collectively.

“All May i go now, i have a meeting to get to.”

“Of course.”

Pegasus opened the portal and escorted her out.

They both waited five minites, Max feeding Kaalki, for the call.

“So why didnt you tell me?” Tim was pissed.

“Media blackout. Any time i tried to call it was blocked.”

Tim swore. “Alfred!”

“You are so lucky Pegasus doesnt know anything about gotham.”

“He’s there?”

“I work with him alot.”

“So when you visited Gotham...”

“French government would know. Not hard to connect the dots of girl leaves to see gotham fmaily and suddenly the league shows up after banning all of Paris from contact.”

“I. When did it happen?”

“Before Chrismas. I would have had Nonna tell you but she didnt know either until after the fact and they said if she told anyone itd be me going to jail for her.”

“That’s. What hellscape do you live in?”

“I died so many times i don’t even know now.” She stopped keeping track after she got into the eighties. That wasn’t even a full year into being Ladybug.

“That’s not comforting.”

“Please tell me that you’re not outing me to Bats. I just got two leaguers off my tail.”

“I won’t tell him, but if the new Robin does i’m not stopping him.”

She almost forgot Talia’s son was a Robin. She didnt see him in uniform yet—as Damian (not wayne but damian who was mourning lost family, damian who didnt know how to talk to people his age). She knows he’s a bit thick with social cues, and his detective skills need work in her opinion but he’s skeptical and has good insticts. He might make her as Marinette if he’s there.

“Is he...”

“He’s with the Titans now, but theyre debating coming here to yell at the league.”

“Videoing it?”

“Obviously. Want a copy?”

“Ill make popcorn before watching.”

“Rkc are doing well by the way—stopped a human trafficking ring and i think they took the victims.”

“Harley’s working with them,” marientte got he update earlier. “Hood and zsasz took out the lower and mid tier that woudlnt snitch. The case should be smooth sailing—the sirens put out a blanket hit on anyone trying to touch the witnesses.”

“So managing two teams this whole time,” red murmured, almost... bitter, or disapointed in something—no someone. Himself?

“Just tweaking things. Daesuqa handles most the team since she found me and Chat. Apparently she was compatible enough to do a lot of the non-fighting work. I still did battle strategy and all but,” Marinette shrugged.

“She focused in survival aspects here, and long term stability for Gotham. Daesuqa has handled most of non-kwami work here outside of kwami and candidates,” Max added. “On top of her work as a student and designer and inventor.”

Red Robin groaned. “When do you sleep?”

Marinette hummed. “I have meds to make me. And angry family to make me take them.”

“Her... what are we calling him now?” Mac was asking about Felix, adiren’s gremlin cousin who’s mom isntryign to adopt her. Also a fellow reverse theif and possessive friend.

“Uh, gremlin.”

“Her gremlin calls to let is know if she does get rest on the weekends and we trade off on weekdays.”

Red robin hummed into the phone. “So staying to the shadows?”

Trixx and Tikki looked up at Marinette at that. tikki wanted her to be the Ladybug, the be seen and everywhere and she...

Trixx knew why Marinette liked the shadows and background. Trix understood that bit.

“Yeah, i’ll still play in between and have some kwami things for life now.” She and Chat were working out gaurdian duties still.

She wasnt interested in the JL.

@emeraldpuffguide @ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @mystery-5-5 @weird-pale-blonde-person @dast218

[bts-fic-collection]

hi! i was wondering if you have any yoonmin au’s in text format? thank you so much!

I do indeed! I love texting aus! You’re welcome ^_^

Another You by AliLikesStories

Rating: T

Status: Incomplete

Word count: 45,326

Summary: Jimin stared at the boy in front of him: Min Yoongi, his personal demon, the man he detested the most. A few weeks ago Jimin would’ve pushed him away, would’ve just stood up and left that freaking place and not look back. But he couldn’t bring himself to do that now, for in front of him, with eyes full of sadness and regret, was not only the bully he had grown to hate over the year, but also the one person who ever listened to him, the one person who had cared. The one person he loved.

Why was life so darn difficult?

-

When Jimin started talking online to a person who only went by the name of “Gloss”, the last thing he expected was that Gloss, the kind, funny and caring man, was also Min Yoongi, the boy who had bullied him mercilessly for over a year.

no more parties in seoul by mochisuns

Rating: T

Status: Complete

Word count: 57,455

Summary: tittytae: mail me my death certificate pls

tittytae: i jus accidentally liked Jungkook’s pic from fifty weeks ago

jimin neutron: YES YES YES 

tittytae: I UNLIKED IT

tittytae: did i just make it worse

a chatfic where all of bangtan are in university, live to expose one another, and hoseok is a modern day cupid.

Good Friends tell their Friends when they’re getting Good Sex by emothy

Rating: E

Status: Complete

Word count: 41,246

Summary: Yoongi likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend. Jimin likes to brag to his friends about his boyfriend.

Little do they know there’s actually crossover in their friend groups.

A Diary Of Closeted Polyamorists by joonietae

Rating: Not rated

Status: Incomplete

Word count: 12,498

Summary: [groupchat: str8s beWARE]

van ghoe: yALLvan ghoe: 911

van ghoe: HELP M E

jimallow: ???? what do you need help with? u ok? i’ll be home soon we can cuddle

whoresock: wat happened u ded

shoulders: arE YOU OK

shoulders: WHATS WORNG

shoulders: SON ANSRWE ME

baby: he’s not ur son

shoulders: how fukcing dare you

whoresock: o shit here we go

that’s gay by yoonmims 

Rating: T

Status: Complete

Word count: 59,603

Summary: mother slut: but yoongi don’t you love us

don’t talk to me: id sell you to satan for a cornchip

eommajin: what about jimin tho, surely hes worth more than a cornchip to you

don’t talk to me: no?? I hate u all equally none of u are worth more than one

minnie: excsuse mne? my ass alone is worth one cornchip u fukker

alternatively: that one uni chatfic au where theyre all a collective mess, and jungkook thinks hes straight (spoiler: he’s not)

The Magnificent 7 Idiots by kthlimitless

Rating: M

Status: Incomplete

Word count: 157,340

Summary: "soulmate #1: thanks tho kookie i appreciate it a lot (((’:

soulmate #2: coughsTAEKOOKcoughs

soulmate #1: JIMINthe only hope: ok but does nobody care that yoons literally puked on my bed

eat sleep repeat: ill buy you new sheets don’t worry

eat sleep repeat: also whens the taekook ship gonna officially sail cause im ready to tag along on the honeymoon

soulmate #2: ahahaHAHAHAHAHAHA

soulmate #1 has left the chat"

Aka where Taehyung denies his obvious crush on Jungkook, Jimin is taekook’s biggest fan, Jin gets involved with Jimin and Yoongi’s non existent love life too much, Hoseok’s struggles as a tour guide and Namjoon tries to be the calm one but ends up getting exposed constantly.

a silhouette of new by mygz

Rating: M

Status: Incomplete

Word count: 29,106

Summary: unknown numberlistenyour screen name was princessminniefollowed by a dozen pink heart and eggplant emojisand reallyi’d be lying if i said that wasn’t enough for me to click on your profile

jimin??? excuse youohOHoh no:) :) :)wow im gonna kill hoseok

[jaeminlore]

I LOVE NCT SO MUCH THEYRE JUST A BUNCH OF BOYS WHO HAVE FUN MAKING MUSIC AND THEY DISTRACT ME FROM MY SUCKY LIFE I WOULD DO ANYHING FOR THEM WITHIN REASON LIKE... THEY DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS AND ALSO MORE LOVE FOR THEIR UNIQUE CONCEPTS AND TALENTED MEMBERS LIKE THERE ARE SO MANY ACES IN NCT IT’S INCREDIBLE. YOU REALLY CAN’T GO WORNG WITH THEM.

[neopetneglect]

i hate it when kids get home and theyre like “mom, idontunderstandwhats worng with me. Jeremy was being really mean to me today”. And the parent is just like “oh hunny yep get used to that. Boys don’t mature.” And it doesn’t always have to be a relationship issue, it could be anything and the adult just shrugs it off as a worldly issue instead of sitting down and talking to their kid. Even though this is clearly hurting the child. Like sorry Susan you obviously have more life experience, but she doesn’t? And she needs a hug, not a mansplaining talk.

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

i dont know why im so, sso fucking unstable again because  i wwas ??? doing okayish for the past. week or so. like bett er than usual but fucking go d now everythings jsut collapsing again and i dont know why  i just. i keep thinking “Oh its Cool!!” but the n everythin goes to shit and i keep crying over everything and i dont kn ow its getting to the really Bad part again where its like i cant stop shakin and twitcin and my dipshit head is gonna explode & i cant think straight at all and slike. im so stupid man why am i so so fucking stupid you know when you just . hate your self so much you fucking want to Fucking kick the shit out of yoruself and just make sure you never fucking breathe again because god i cant Stand that fucking stupid bitch a second longer!!! god i cant stand Myself!!!!! like i dont. my god i dont fucking now im just typing away like a dipshit t rying to make my hands do anyhting o ther than stupid stupid sh it but i f ucking fee l like im ggonna just explode and like you know when parts of you feel like theyre so worng like . m pancikging and ykno when liKE. LIKE I NEED TO RIP MY hair out my head i need to fucking yank it all o ut or im going to fucking i dont kno what but i have to and slike theres Goositybumps and Bbwhebwhwebwhebwhebhwbehwbee and do you know when you just. like wh at does it even ma tter slike you now when this shit gets so so fucking bad and slike why should i even fucing bother with it be cause i cant take it i just wish i w as dead i really just wish i was fucking d ead and man i dont now why im Fucking not i really dont and you know when you htink about how much of a stupid waste of time your entir e life is and how alone you are and how ntohing. theres never anyhting im so so stupid and i ke ep jsut fucking eveyrhting up i just. my go d

[justscreamingnothing]

i’m extremely normal

I’m normal, and I’ve lived my whole life wanting to, aspiring to, learning that I should be, extraordinary. But i’m not extraodinary at all, being funny and being silly is just common, I’m just some common girl from Miami. I think (and i might be worng here, might be just in a bad bout of depression or something) that i may not have a strong sense of self. I was thinking today about how much anxiety I have when people challenge my views, which ties into my fear of appearing dumb or uneducated, something that’s given me anxiety all my life. And I thought about just how much reassurance I need from those around me, one of the reasons I’m such a people pleaser. And about how I just feel like i’m not “getting something” other people are, theres some sort of secret people have figured out and I’m just not in on it. Anyway I was thinking all these things and I was like damn, do i have a bad sense of self? One thing thats always eluded me is the girl i want to be, this extraordinary person I’ve been wanting to be ever since I was little, and no matter how hard I try, I’m not her. So work to be a good person you’re proud of right? But somehow thats not enough either, I’m just not happy, there just seems to be something missing. Sometimes I really love myself and the person I am, but I don’t know, other times I feel like I’m not even me, like the person I am has been slowly fabricated by me to appeal to the people I want to impress, and it’s still not enough.

I’m also lonely, and that has a lot to do with it, because I dont have anyone by my side to grab my hand when I’m slowly marching myself off a cliff and bring me back to solid ground. It’s an old song you know too well, but i can’t help but feel like if I at least had someone around who i knew liked me, I wouldnt spiral so often. But thats the thing too huh, I can only ever speculate, I have no idea what it’d be like to have someone at my side, what if I still feel like this? what if I feel worse? And anyway, even if it did help, that takes a lot of time right? Having someone love you and reassure you in the way you need?

I feel the most directionless I think I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve been working professionally for 6 years and still my “dream career” is still like some far off fantasy to me. I don’t make anything and I don’t even have the enthusiasm to make anything. Las ganas. I get terribly anxious whenever someone critiques even something I like, what’ll I do when they critique something I made? How can I make something and put it out into the world for other people to judge? It’s so hypocritical because i love doing that myself, picking things apart and critiquing them, guess I can’t take my own heat. It makes me want to stay dormant. Because I can avoid the anxiety if I just stay in my lane and don’t make anything. And since my career life is also not going anywhere, i just feel like im floating around waiting for something to happen. And nothings going to happen, because why would it? what would change? I’m not putting anything in motion and miracles are hard to come by (what are the odds someone will say “hey i read some of the stuff you had saved deep in your google drive, would you like to come write for us?”) I’m applying to new jobs and no one wants to hire me, maybe the sense my flop through the screen. None of the jobs I’ve applied to recently are even things I’d want to do, just things that line up with what my sorry ass excuse for a career path have led me to. (maybe thats what theyre sensing through the screen.) 

So who knows, maybe I’m not the girl I’ve always wanted to be but rather the girl i feared becoming, the one who didnt go for it and didnt make anything and lived a little life and was happy but never achieved anything she wanted to. Maybe i’ll be a monster mom who puts all her dreams on her kids. Or the creepy old lady on the block no one talks to because she’s mean and bitter and drove herself mad all alone in her house. Maybe i’m already inching toward that.

[xoemmuhhxo]

some days are good, some days are bad, some are freaking amazing, some are the absolute worst. i feel like its just me against the world. im afraid. im paranoid. i dont know what to think. there are all these voices in my head but they all sound the ame and theyre all telling me the same thing. im not good enough. ill never be goo enough. no matter what you do youll never be a first choice. youll never be anyones favortie. is it me? im i the one whos wrong? am i the one who makes people feel that way? do i put people off? whats worng with me? when will it be okay? it seems like its been this way forever. like it will never change. 

[apartments4rent]

alright bitches its 1am time TO FEEL

lol idrk if its gonna be feelsy but ive been thinking aboutthoid since i was at work and i wantto write it down and throw it out this the woeld b4 i forget it?? but i sont hink i will NAYWAY READ MORE??? bc this is gonna be a n incoherent mess and its 1am so idc about seplling anythings thing right ok looooooool

udk what started this, like what lead me to this thought but at work today i was like “MARV IN LOVE!! OH WAIT i t hought of it bc i heard ‘nicotine’ by p!atd andi was like “hey i put this song on ambmarv playlist too,,, i wonder how theyre doing” thne i got to thinking bout marv in love!! and i didnt rmbr [much] of what i had alread ywritten on this blog but i just went off and started thinkin boute when marv relizes he loves amber and my heart SOARD lol then it sank again bc i was like “aw :^( amb if scared to return his feewings bc immortal :^((((” then i started thinking about when marv realizes he loves her , he resolves to tell her!! bc damn it she makes him happy and he wants to make her happy toO!!! he wants to show her how she makes him feel!!! he wants to share his LOVE!!! and at everyopportunity whar he tries to ttell her, she manages to avoid or ignore or change the somthg or realize she has to do smthg over there hahah

THEN I GOT TO THINKING  about this idea i had, like one of the first ones i had awhan we firse came op with the ay where amb was gonna go on a date with someone she thot was speciall but it turned out to be her old nemisis making fun of her and she gets rlly drunk and sad and calls marv ovr to her a partment [just for self conttect, i feel like this might take place b4 marv realizes he caught feelings?? but not to far off wither lol]  so yeh shes drunk and sad bc guess what!! shes actually a really lonely person!!! she, quote, “CURSED herself to live a lonely unfulfilling life bc she said she wasnt to see the world??” so yeh shes sad bc she cant make meaningful connections with people anymore bc it hurts to much when she outlives them so to avoid this, she doesnt stay in one place for too long anymore but sc of this she also keeps the people she cares most deeply about at arms lenthg bc shes just gonn lleave anagi anyway?? so why bother twih the emotional crapUNLUCKY FOR HER < shes also a very VERY empathetic person and it hurts her more to have to dothis !! so ok shes rambling anf crying on marv and she KISSSSSSSSSSSES HIM >:^0 its a very messy kiss and marvs too shocked to reciprocate bc asfter the kisss she continues to cry and bury her face in his chest, wherein he finds it only necessary to hold he class and stroker har till she falls asleep on him,, marv lays awake for a long time just,, thinking bout all the stuff shes just dumpedon him and how it sorta changes his perspective on her a little,, i mean at this point he cares for her deeply , just as he does sor the reat of his friends, but this sheds a whole new light on her,,, shes more than what she projects to the world,,, tho she aopeats to have all the answers, she i is infact very scared and vulnerable just like the reat of us,, so he probably naps for a few hrs b4 amb SHOOTS UP IN BED when she wakes up, still in his arms. marv being a light sleeper, immediatly notices and thinks somethings worng, “YEAH smthgs wrong, why r u  in my bed,, oh god is that my lipstick smudges on ur,, oh god WE DIDT??” “ABSOLUTELY NOT I WOULD NEVER” “GOOD omg,, i barely remember anything that happaened last night afte,r,, ugh ,,, after THEY showed udpd,, guh,,  i m sorry for, uh,, botherin g u marv” “ Ohno, it was no bother im glad i could, uh, hlp in a,, small way i guess,,” “yea h,,,,,,,, i didnt say antyhin,,, wierd,, to u last night,,, sis i?” inside marvs head: calculating meme “,,,,,,no, nothing too strange” ANYEAY i kinda went of f onthat tangent lol i didnt ome up with ALL that dialgue thinking at wokr lol bUT HU,, igues thats the start of thingd bceming more? ?for them ....?? alls i kno is htat when marv finally mangaes to cornere amber to have a talk anbotu shifellin s, they have another emotional feels jam and amb admits in i not drunt stupor, that shes scared to allow herself to experince that kind of love again bc “it always hurts, everytime, it hurts” and then they talk bkh balh blah THEY KISS!! CONGRATS UR A THING NO!!

nayway this also lled me  to thinkig OH i said b4 that marv had agf in college bUT hmmmm im like whAT IF,, hes neveer had a gf bf4  >:^0 crazy thot i kno but ill sleep on it [and other such thots] and mayhaps sidccus further on thes kiddos that i havent touching in MONTHDS!!!!

OK GOODINGHT!!!

its 2am now

[darksushimoon-moved]

I feel so fuckign alone all the time i feel like no one cares but they all force me to feel bad when i have suicidal tendencies why do you act like you fucking care only whenever i say something why cant you all just ask if you sense soemthings up "whats worng" yeah somrtimes that feeligns fucking wrong but its better for me to say "what makes you think that" than for me to wallow in self pity and darkness and suicidal rhoughts ywah its not like ill ever do it but god i hate feeling like no one cares what i say fuckign stop it s t o p it care avout me i want to be held and i want help but i feel like no one cares that im lovked in a fucking room wall to wall with people but no one hears me scream im not even there in your mind why why why But at the smae itme i dont deserve this dont i fvking because i cant help anyway like i dont deserve help because i dont gelp others or some shit anyway? Stop loathing in tour own self pity? Maybe care for others first before you play the self pity game? No one will ever care for you if you dont help them first tight because people are shitty and when toure in a bad mood no one cares unless theyre in a bad mood tight??? And you feel worse and worse until youre forced to helpt hem because yknow what??? You feel like theyll never stop why wont anyone help me unless im hanging in my own room by the ceiling why wont anyone help me unless im choking myself with a charger why wont anyone help unless im hitting my head againdt the walk until i forget everythign why wont anyone help why cant anyone notive im hurting i cant do this i c an t

[michaelfromthe5sos]

today

i keep thinking about the big picture and i think thats what stresses me out. when i think about tomorrow, and how im gonna get up and get ready and try my best for whatever reason to still be positive, its easier. there isnt a career i have to decide for, there isnt an ending where somebody will judge me based on what ive done until now. there is just a day, and i get to decide how it goes. but today, im not happy with the way i decided it to go. i feel like i need something, so easy and good and light that it changes me and it shines deep through to my soul. but there isnt a single thing like that and i cant find it and it frustrates me more and more each day. i feel so fake right now. like what im saying is not even honest no matter how honest i try to be. there is a million things, like literally a million, that are going through my head, so many directions i could take, from cleaning and painting to finding ways to be kinder and to thinking i want to be a freaking doctor. or simply just wanting to start watching a comedy show. but no. i keep being really mean to myself. i keep pressuring myself to be this normal girl, just a kind person who makes people laugh and has it all figured out underneath. but no one really has that. not a single person, who's not you know, from a tv show, has that. the other night, i took a bath for probably the first time in my life. and i just sat there, and i was naked, under water. and my body looked like a map. every little vein you could see looked like a road. and all the dry skin on my hips felt like mountains under my finger tips. and i felt beautiful. i felt human. and i wanted every person to be able to experience that. i think deep down, my intentions are good. theyre really good. im just not so good at showing them. and that has to be okay. it has to. i just want me to be okay. i want to be enough. because for some reason im just not. no one is enough to me. there are literally two people i think of as good. only two people in this whole wide world who care for me. okay maybe 3. or 5. but most of them really are not close to me. i dont know them fully. truth is, you need friends. you need support. you need someone you can call at 6 in the afternoon when youre crying because you dont know what the hell is worng with you and you need someone you can be there for too, when they feel the same. i dont have anyone. its hard, really hard to feel like that. to turn to strangers on the Internet, hoping someone would have 5 minutes to read your post and just tell you maybe that whatever youre going through is enough. that its okay. its quite sad. i am really just scared. i dont laugh at the stupid jokes for old people because im scared that the cool kids are going to think that its stupid. that im forever doomed because of it. im scared that if my friends are embarassing in front of them, that they wont like us and will think low of us. why do i let myself be intimidated by other humans? who are those boys to make me feel like this? why? ive had some pretty wrong priorities lately. the best example would be when its more important to me what instagram filter i use on my photo, rather than the fact that i am too insecure to show my teeth in every single photo ive ever taken from the age of 9. i dont know. i keep calling people my friends but i know theyre not that really. somebody who would only ask me why when im crying so they can tell it to their sister and gossip about it with other people is someone who is not a friend. actually, that never happened. but i presume it would, so i never allow myself to cry in front of people. because i'd decided that they dont care, and that they'd only laugh and mock me for it. so they think of me as if im a dragon. and i dont know why. they all hate me. i hated me because of that. i feel better but also, i feel self hatred in every gulp i take. in every breath and sound that comes out of me. its intertwined in every word that leaves my mouth and every fake laugh. im just so tired of not ever figuring it out. i wish i could realize something really important at the end of this but i just cant. sometimes, i feel more depressed than ever on the days where there are no symptoms of depression at all.