#they’re making it so hard for me to root against them tonight 😭

[whentherewerebicycles]

okay well I don’t know what’s going on but I am really hitting a mental and physical wall this week. I suspect it has to do with the fact that last week he suddenly stopped napping well and, by some strange coincidence, became 1000x fussier in the afternoons and evenings. here is how it is affecting me:

I am so… so tired

I am having trouble thinking especially when he’s been fussing for like three straight hours and my brain has just switched off as some kind of a self-protective mechanism

I am struggling to make decisions about how to handle the fussiness because so tired and also because I don’t really understand what’s going on with him or how to soothe him

I’m getting behind on student work because I no longer have consistent nap windows in which to work during the day

I’m soooo much snappier and more irritable with the dogs especially… like I know they’re understimulated and under-walked right now and that’s why they’re barking so much more and I know I gotta address the root causes instead of getting angry with them for reacting in a very normal way to feeling stir crazy. but also sometimes when they wake the boy up from one of his suddenly rare naps or otherwise elevate the noise level in the house I am like I NEED you to shut up. I love you so much and I know it’s my fault you’re bored but I NEED the noise to stop.

I am not eating well because the fussing often starts around lunch time and I just lose track of where I am in the day and forget to eat. and then by the time I remember it’s too late to do anything but microwave something fast and kinda shitty

I cannot change the fussiness. he is having some big sleep changes and maybe a growth spurt or maybe he is just more alert to the world now and it’s harder to chill out. I pray that it is just a phase we are going through (where is my sweet chill baby of just a week ago) and I will also remind myself that so many things are going well. but what can I do to make this period more survivable for myself.

try to go to bed by 9:15 every night to maximize the sleep I’m getting even if it’s fragmented sleep (hopefully that won’t last much longer as he adjusts to not being in the swaddle)

consider asking his sitter to come a third day in the week for a while. use that time to catch up on student work (so I feel less behind and don’t have that additional layer of stress) but also use it to walk the dogs, cook, etc. and tend to other needs. I’m stressed about doing this because money 🫠 but I really need it and I also really need a break when he’s at peak fussiness levels.

scale back again. when I was feeling most overwhelmed before (around 6 weeks? idk it’s all a fever dream) I just focused on really, really scaling back the activities and outings so I could focus on feeding him and getting him to take good naps. I think I am trying to do too much now and I need to give myself permission to say no to things more and to consider the day a win if I just take care of the basics.

put headphones in when he’s fussing. I really need to stop feeling guilty about this and just do it. I will be so much better equipped to soothe/rock/bounce him if I’m not also listening to the nonstop lowgrade crying. it will not hurt him if I don’t listen to the crying. I can tend to his needs without listening to the crying.

try to give myself some grace. I cried a bunch tonight because he was so so tough to deal with this evening and I was feeling so maxed out. but then I was lying on my bed with him propped up against my legs facing me and he started playing his favorite “game” where he puts his feet in his little footie pajamas all over my face and chortles delightedly at my pretend-outraged reaction and it was soooo sweet and I was just like I love you so much 😭 I wish you felt better this week because then I would feel better too and more capable of being present with you. I feel like when he’s fussing soooo much it’s just so hard for us to have those sweet silly connections because we’re both so miserable and neither of us knows how to fix it. it’s tough! it’s tough. but we will get through this and I absolutely refuse to have any “am I a bad parent???” angsty feelings about this. I am a great parent and I am doing the best I can coping with this very challenging week. I cannot soothe him very well because he has a lot going on inside of him right now but I can make him laugh really hard by letting him put his little feet all over my face and that means I gave him at least one small moment of joy today. it’s enough! it’s enough. we will weather this.