#they would've gone apeshit for it tho I know this in my heart

[badgirlcoven-official]

RIP Caleb and Evelyn you would have loved Scarborough Fair

[here-comes-the-bard]

man my post from. yesterday or day before. is making me think like. i don't know what it would look like if yaevinn DID decide he was tired of being nice and just wanted to go apeshit. mostly because he's getting to the point of being like. yeah both is good tbh. i will be nice but if you fuck around you will find the fuck out.

he's very much a "my trauma did not make me kind, i made me kind. do not credit my abuser and oppressors for my kindness" person. his philosophy is something along the lines "the world was unkind to me and unkind to others, but why should i be unkind? if I didn't deserve it, neither do others. might as well be a light in a world of darkness". and honestly that's a big part of what makes him who he is. i cannot imagine yaevinn without it honestly.

but i think that's what makes it an interesting exercise. what would yaevinn be like if at some point (after asylum, it's important to note, as really that's The Big One and just kind of amplified the previous issue) he just said "being kind is exhausting and i'm exhausted so fuck this". because aside from the horrors i think it's genuinely exhausting for him to be kind in the face of unkindness. it is simultaneously an effort and an instinct for him. and it's fascinating to wonder what would happen if he not only gave it up, but just went in the opposite direction (because ngl if he just gave up on it as a whole he'd just. kinda vanish off the face of the earth and not interact with anyone).

the thing is, he wouldn't become gleefully cruel. in fact i think he'd actually really dislike it and dislike himself for it, but what else is he supposed to do? it wouldn't feel right, but it'd be all he knew because being "good" clearly wasn't working. i think he'd just feel so. empty. where his world now is filled with colors that can sometimes be overwhelming but that he wouldn't give up for anything, his world in an au where he actually gave it up would be so grey and bland that i kind of think it'd impact his mental health, to put it in a less rough way.

not sure whether he would've missed his calling as an assassin or not but considering he learned his archery and dagger techniques as self-defense i think there's a good chance he wouldn't have.

i think he would've kept a lower profile due to his shame honestly. would've gone from a little timid and anxious to nearly reclusive. wouldn't want let anyone see him like this because the feeling of being inherently bad would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. this is all he is. a monster is all he could've ever been. and yet, he does let people see it. because look what the world has done to him. how can you hold good in your heart when the world has done nothing to return it. he'd see himself in it, and he'd see it as pathetic because of that.

i just like. fr the thing is i think he'd have this constant feeling that it wasn't supposed to happen this way. he wasn't supposed to be like this, and yet there's no other path.

and he doesn't even know that there was. and he could've seen so many beautiful things if he'd kept the kindness in his heart. but how could he? why would he?

i honestly think it's something like this post tbh. just crushed under the weight of his ideals because upholding them broke and splintered every single fucking bone in his body. i might have fundamentally misunderstood the post but isn't art less about what you put into it and more about what people get out of it or something like that.

anyway sorry if you read this whole thesis, be sure to like comment and subscribe for more content that makes me kinda glad i didn't make him worse. i'm gonna make either a pinterest board or a section in his pinterest but considering he is schrodinger's Fundamentally The Same Character (both is and really isn't) i'm not sure. uhhh this is a fun character exercise if you wanna do it. it doesn't have to be an essay tho this is just how i get out my thoughts. ok bye