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skullyragdoll · 7 days

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Thoughts on episode 13 cuz i forgot to post earlier :P

This is so late lol, its a collection of my thoughts and ramblings.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! So much happened in this episode!!!!!

Levi is a murder and doesn't care for other people.

Ok, so I didn't see this coming even though there were a lot of hints. I just always thought he was bad at picking up on social cues and dealing with intense people like Ace, which I guess is still true just in a stronger way. The fact that his whole gentle and mild mannered act was fake is a little sad cuz I liked his fake persona, but I think him faking being nice is a cool twist. Although this does change the way I like characterized his previous actions in my head, I think that the new drama and angst it adds is really intresting!!!!! :D

2. Acevi getting torn to shreds ToT.

Every acevi shipper is like crying cuz of this rn, and I am too, even though I knew it was probably never gonna be canon. But I don't think its completely dead cuz Ace kinda implies one sided acevi might have existed during chapter 1.

3. Acevi Angst!!!! One sided Acevi!!! ToT

Ok so this made mee screeam!!!! The angst!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We finally get Ace angst!!!!!!!!!!!! This is what I've been waiting for since chapter 1!!!!!!!!! Acevi angst!! It hurts so much to see that deep down ace did really care about Levi ToT. Ace's sprite looks sooooo good!!!!!!! (Also this is so gay and i luv it).

4. Ace seems to mention his friend from the Q&A.

Ok so it looks like Ace mentions his friend from the Q&A that I forgot the name of lol. But here he says it would be "an insult to his memory" which to me, implies that his friend is dead, or atleast not his friend anymore. I can't wait for the angst!!!!!!

5. Hu and Veronika's secrets

Most people predicted the secrets correctly, it is sad :(. But its good that it seems that Hu has grown and seems to be in a healthier place. But I am also a little scared cuz Hu might be the killer and she is getting a lot of screentime and moments were she girlbosses.

6. Teruko's secret...

I believe that this is not Teruko's real secret as it seems like it's obviously about Xander. I think that David used this as a trap or something to try and get more information out of Teruko, which is why I think he made that evil face. I'm not sure how David knew that Min's clue was Xander's, maybe he told David in private in chapter 1? But Teruko's belief that this is her secret is interesting...

So, even though I don't think this is Teruko's secret, the fact that she thought it was means that she feels like the death of her family was her fault, likely because of her luck. But the most interesting part of this for me is the fact that the secret mentions the death of Teruko/Xander's parents and siblings. This kind of implies that Teruko might have been lying about her brother being alive, or she believes that he died after he got adopted. And yes, this could be a coincidence but the specific phrasing of "parents and siblings" seems like it was meant to imply this since it could have been phrased as family instead. But obviously this could also be a coincidence, especially since it also says siblings, and Teruko claims she only has one so Idk, its up to u whether u think its a coincidence or not.

7. WHY R THEY DOING THIS TO MY HEART!!!!!!!!! 😭😭😭

Arei's scene with David was so sad and so wholesome!!!! It literally made me so sad, I got so scared when she said that she was a bad person but then what she said about them being imperfect together cuz perfect people don't exist is soooo wholesome. This is extra cute cuz her whole arc was about being scared to be vulnerable around people but she was willing to be honest and kind with David even after she knew he was a liar. Also the next thought...

8. WHAT THE HECK EDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I literally screamed when I saw this, I was so shocked, draw dropped. And I didn't even notice the fork thing, I thought it was a wrench until I went to tumblr and saw everyone talking about the fork and xander connections!!!!!!! THis is crazy!! Eden what happened!?!

In more seriousness, since I believe Teruko's secret is about her being the reason for the killing game and who appears like Xander says all this stuff in episode 1, I wonder what happened. Did Teruko accidentally cause the killing game and Eden tried protecting Teruko from Xander, or were Teruko and Eden like evil/manipulative. I have no idea, I also don't know who was the one telling Xander to kill Teruko. (The phrasing of "end the killing game" could imply that they were in a previous killing game, but I think that's probably me reading too much into it since he's probably just trying to end it before it starts.)

Anyways I'm so interested in what Eden did since she is one of the kindest characters, and that was one of the best twists in Drdt.

9. Why is Whit so upbeat and why does he know so much about hanging?!?!

Whit is always upbeat during trials, he even made a joke about Min's execution earlier in chapter 2. I understand that its probably cuz he's comic relief and its probably a coping mechanism for all the death but it is still kinda suspicious. He also knows a lot about breaking necks through hanging like Veronika, so that's either sad or suspicious. Anyways I don't think he is the killer but I know some people think he could be the mastermind and yeah is kind of suspicious. But based on what he said in episode 7 in the movie room about Teruko grieving its probably just a coping mechanism.

10. Nico!?!?

Ok, so I don't think that Nico is actually the killer, especially since there would probably one of those selection screen thingies. But I know that a lot of people suspect that Hu assisted with Nico's murder attempt because Nico used a wire while Hu's special weapon was a wire. (I'm obviously not the first to say this I saw people talk about a bunch of months ago). This kinda makes me think that Hu could be the killer since she could have helped Nico plan the murder and she could have reused the methods for Arei's murder. Hu was also the most reluctant to give up her secret, so if she wanted to keep her secret safe she could have committed the murder. Hu does have an alibi but it is with Nico in private. (Also now after the time reveal it may not have to do with the secrets since it was the morning after). Also I don't think Hu was the one who actually tried to kill Ace because Nico admits to it in part 1 of chapter 2, and that would also kinda takeaway from Nico's agency and possible character arc and stuff. Anyways I kinda hope it isn't Hu cuz she ate David up last episode and I don't want her to die.

That's it, hope u enjoyed my ramblings lol :P

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adorkablephil · 7 years

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Fic: Happily Ever After 6 (Healing)

Title: Happily Ever After Rating: Teen (for Dan’s language, as usual) Word Count for This Chapter: 7.5K (!) Summary: Dan proposes marriage, but Phil’s reaction isn’t quite what he’d been expecting or hoping for. Genre(s): Angst, Fluff, Established Relationship, Marriage Proposals, Gay Marriage, Commitment, Relationship Issues Author’s Note: This chapter again focuses on the topics of homophobia, biphobia, and the internalization of both/either of these. Again, I’ve tried to treat those topics with respect and hope that readers will forgive me if I’ve unintentionally written anything insensitive. Also, this chapter contains some spoilers for the tv series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” but if you haven’t seen it yet then maybe these spoilers will convince you to watch it. :) Also available on AO3 here

[Masterlist of all “Happily Ever After” chapters on Tumblr]

They didn’t talk about it all at once, not right away, because Phil needed to think.

“I’m very confused right now,” he admitted hesitantly. “But I understand why you’re so upset—I really do. If I’d heard somebody else tell you that gay marriage was less valid than straight marriage, I would have expected you to kick their butts. Verbally, I mean.” He looked away, frowning unhappily. “And I know you’re right—I know that’s basically what I’m saying.” He shook his head, then looked back to meet Dan’s eyes. “But knowing it rationally, being able to recognize it … that doesn’t magically make the way I feel go away. I wish it did.” He looked genuinely, deeply upset.

Dan wasn’t touching him, just sitting near on the sofa and watching his face. He wasn’t sure exactly what Phil was trying to say, but it didn’t sound good. “So … what now?

Phil sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face, then looked at Dan again, and his eyes were tired and sad. “I need to think. Because … I need to figure out where those feelings are coming from if I ever want to get past them and have any chance of being with you. Because I know you won’t stay with me like this.”

This time Dan was the one who sighed. He was still feeling a little angry at Phil’s internalized homophobia—or biphobia, maybe?—but also felt bad for being angry when the stupid prejudice obviously hurt Phil more than anyone else.

Okay, so maybe right now it was hurting Dan just as much.

He didn’t know what to say, because Phil was right. Dan wouldn’t want to stay with him if things remained like this, now that he knew how Phil felt, how Phil saw not only their own future but also the social fabric of Dan’s reality. He couldn’t stay with someone who looked down on gay marriage—that attitude was just too diametrically opposed to everything he stood for, everything most important to him about his own moral compass.

Phil tentatively rested a hand on his arm, and Dan realized that he’d been staring off at nothing. He looked into Phil’s face again and saw a grim set to his mouth. “I…” Phil began, then stalled. He visibly braced himself, then started again. “I can’t promise anything about … us getting married. The proposal, and … well … my answer. I have so much to think about before I can make a decision like that, and I don’t think it would be fair to you for me to even consider that before figuring out the deeper stuff.” Dan nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly that Phil had a lot of other serious shit to work out before something like that was even an option. Phil took Dan’s hand in his, not holding it very tightly as if not sure of his welcome, and Dan squeezed gently, glad to feel Phil squeeze back. Phil continued then, as if Dan’s bit of physical reassurance had given him the courage. “I can’t promise anything about that, but I can promise that I will work to figure this all out, harder than I’ve ever worked on anything before. And we’ll talk about it all. Because…” Phil choked up on the word and paused, swallowing. He licked his lips, then said, “Because whatever happens with us in the long term, your respect matters to me more than anything, Dan. I couldn’t stand knowing that I’d lost that. Even if we weren’t together anymore, as long as I knew you weren’t ashamed to know me…”

Dan interrupted him, “I’m not ashamed to know you, Phil. I’m just … I’m upset, okay?”

Phil nodded. “I know. But I just want you to understand that I’m going to do everything I can to make myself into someone you can love again.”

Dan smiled gently and reached up to rest his hand against the side of Phil’s face. “You don’t have to change the person you are. I still love you, Phil.”

Phil ducked his head, escaping from Dan’s touch, and said quietly, “I think right now you just don’t like me very much. And I’m going to try everything I can to be someone you can like again.” Dan opened his mouth to speak, but Phil held up his hand and added quickly, “Not just for you, but because I know you’re right about this. I hadn’t even realized I was prejudiced about this, but I can see now that I am, and I don’t want to be. So I’m doing this as much for me as for you. Okay?”

Dan took Phil’s hand again and squeezed it a little tighter this time. “That sounds pretty brave, to face your own demons like that. Most people aren’t strong enough to do it. And I’ll be here for you. I promise I’ll never pressure you about your answer to my question on the beach, but I’m making no promises about making my feelings and opinions clear in other ways. I’m not very good at keeping quiet when I care about something.”

Phil chuckled. “I know. And that’s fine. I love you with your passionate opinions and philosophical rants. I think maybe sometimes they might even help. We do need to talk. And maybe sometimes I’ll need to just hide away to focus on my own thoughts. I don’t know. I guess … we’ll see how it goes.”

Dan nodded. He felt better, knowing that Phil was taking the issues seriously instead of defending his prejudiced position. There was no way of knowing what their future would hold, but it looked less hopeless than it had a day or two ago.

“You do believe me, don’t you? I was never looking for anybody else, not the entire time we’ve been together. I only ever wanted you. I still only want you. You believe me, right?”

“Yeah, I believe you, Phil.”

“I never want to marry anybody else. I just want to stay with you forever. You make me … so … so … happy.”

“Phil, it’s okay. Don’t cry. We’ll work this out.”

Phil asked if they could watch the musical episode of Buffy. It was his favorite thing to watch when he was feeling down, so Dan knew he’d been fretting again. To be honest, he seemed to be fretting most of the time lately. The flat was quiet these days. It had been about a week since Phil had said he needed time to think, and he seemed to be taking the task seriously. They still spent time together, still outwardly kept to the same patterns and habits, but Phil’s thoughts just seemed more inwardly directed. He was less bubbly and more contemplative.

So they were cuddled up together under a blanket on the sofa, watching Willow and Tara sing to each other about the magic of their love, when Dan felt a rant coming on. He paused the show and scowled.

“This has always bugged me. I mean, I think Willow’s storyline about her falling in love with Tara is really well done, and I think their relationship is deeper and more romantic than any other relationship Willow has had, but I have a lot of respect for Joss Whedon and I think he dropped the ball on this one.”

Dan was gesturing with his hands as he spoke, and he noticed that Phil wore that tolerant smile that always graced his face when Dan started expressing his passionate opinions about something. Dan knew that Phil accepted and maybe even appreciated this about him, so he knew it was okay to just rant until he was done, that Phil would listen to him patiently … and then they would unpause the show and finish watching it as if Dan’s verbal tempest hadn’t happened. He just had to let out the steam before he could settle down again.

“Sure, his decision to prominently feature a lesbian couple and show them kissing on a fairly mainstream show was revolutionary at the time, and he took a big risk there, but he treats Willow’s sexuality like it’s a switch that gets flipped. The entire first three seasons of the show, she’s presented as actively heterosexual, with no hints of same-sex attraction. She’s so attracted to Xander that she can’t keep her hands off him! And her relationship with Oz, while maybe not as intense as her later relationship with Tara, is still very real and loving and romantic. She was definitely in love with Oz, and he’s a guy! The fact that she later has a relationship with a woman doesn’t mean she ‘turned gay’! It just means she’s probably bisexual! Or pansexual or sapiosexual or whatever! But why didn’t Joss Whedon just present it that way? Why does Willow spend the rest of the series insisting that she’s ‘gay now’? It’s ridiculous. It’s like bisexuality doesn’t even exist! It’s like everyone has to be either straight or gay, and there are no other options, so Willow just switches teams! It pisses me off that the media presents the whole issue as so black-and-white, and I’m incredibly disappointed that someone as progressive as Joss Whedon did the same fucking thing!”

Phil was nodding amiably, but not interrupting Dan’s avalanche of words. When Dan didn’t say anything more, Phil asked, “Ready to go back to the show?”

Dan relaxed back into their cuddle, realizing that he had leaned forward tensely as he ranted, and grumbled quietly, “I’m just pissed that Joss Whedon didn’t have the balls to go somewhere a little more complicated instead of playing into the whole ‘bisexuals just need to choose a side’ stereotype. He’s invalidating you and me and thousands or maybe even millions of other people.”

Phil chuckled softly and whispered in Dan’s ear, “Thank you for defending my honor. My hero.”

Dan rolled his eyes, but turned for a quick kiss before reaching for the remote. “Okay. Rant over. Back to the lesbian love song. The clearly implied cunnilingus is about to happen. Gotta give Joss Whedon props for that.”

Phil burst out laughing and Dan grinned at him. He thought maybe Phil’s smile looked a little brighter than it had in a while. They unpaused the show and snuggled together to watch the rest of the episode.

“I think maybe my feelings about being bisexual are a major part of what’s going on with me.”

“My rant about Willow got you thinking?”

“I just … I realized that I have a lot of mixed feelings about it.”

“I’m here if you want to talk.”

“I know. I just … I need to think. But thanks.”

Dan had been hesitant to bring this up for the past couple weeks, but finally he decided to ask Phil about it so it would stop fucking eating at him.

“Can I ask you a serious question?”

Phil was sitting on his end of the couch, doing something on his laptop, but he closed it and turned to look at Dan. “Sure.” He looked nervous.

Dan paused, uncertain, then plowed forward. “What … what were you doing for those three weeks on the Isle of Man when you didn’t even … I mean, you didn’t even text me or anything, that whole time. I didn’t know what to think. I asked you to marry me, and you said you needed time, and then … you just dropped me.” He realized how hurt he was feeling as he said those last words. The hurt had lingered and perhaps even sharpened over time, so he was glad he’d finally gotten the nerve to bring it up before it got even worse.

Phil looked down at his lap, fingers worrying at the blanket that partially covered him. “Honest?” he queried tentatively.

Dan nodded, not sure if Phil would notice the motion, and said, “Honest. Always honest.”

Phil met his gaze, and his eyes were filled with pain. “I mostly just took long walks by myself and imagined what my life was going to be like without you.”

That hit Dan hard. “You were planning to leave me?”

Phil shook his head. “I was sure you were going to leave me. That’s why it took me so long to come back. I didn’t want to face you after I’d made such a mess of things. Everything you said on the beach was so beautiful, and then it just brought up all these feelings I hadn’t expected, and I was sure you wouldn’t want to be with me anymore.”

Neither of them said anything for a long time, then Phil added quietly, “It took me three weeks to work up the courage to face you after what I’d done.”

Dan moved to sit closer to him and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so glad you did.”

The situation was hard on Dan, because he was used to going to Phil whenever he was upset about something to get comfort … but in this case Phil was the thing that was upsetting him.

So sometimes he would come into the lounge and just crawl into Phil's lap and not say anything, just press close and take comfort from the feel and smell of Phil, the man he loved, the man who had always been there for him. And he wouldn’t think about any of the mess they were in right now, but just breathe Phil in and soak Phil in and remember all the good things.

And Phil would hold him in his arms and kiss his hair and not say anything.

Phil had his bad days, too.

It was almost a month into Phil’s “thinking” when Dan woke up alone in the bed. That wasn’t an altogether unusual occurrence, since Phil usually woke earlier than he did, but it didn’t usually happen at 4 a.m.

He pulled on his track bottoms and walked shirtless to the lounge, where he found Phil sitting on the sofa, apparently deep in thought. He didn’t even have his phone or laptop—he was just sitting in the dim light, staring at nothing. He looked over when he heard Dan pad barefoot into the room and smiled softly but said nothing.

“I woke up and you were gone,” Dan explained, but there was no blame in his voice. “You okay?”

Phil nodded, his face falling back into troubled lines. He’d looked like that so much lately. It made him look older. It made him look weary. “Thinking,” he replied, glancing away.

Dan walked closer and stood right before him. He ran a hand gently through Phil’s soft hair and said, “Maybe you don’t have to think so hard right now. Maybe you can just … be.” He climbed onto the sofa and curled up against Phil, wrapping arms around him and pulling him so close that Phil was half in his lap.

Phil, too, was shirtless, clad only in pyjama bottoms, and so as they cuddled their bare skin pressed together and Dan tried to will his own warmth into this man he loved so much. “This is all my fault,” Phil mumbled, and he sounded absolutely desolated. “How can you be so nice to me when I’m doing this to you?”

Dan pulled him closer, pulled Phil all the way into his lap, lanky limbs and all, and squeezed him as if he could join their bodies together through pure force of will. “It’s because I love you, you moron. And so when you hurt, I hurt. And I know you’re hurting. I’ve never wanted that.” He stroked Phil’s hair again, pulling his head down to rest on Dan’s shoulder. “We’re in this together,” he said firmly. “No matter what, I’m with you. Always. Forever. Count on it.”

Phil put his arms around Dan and squeezed just as hard as Dan was. “I love you so much,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.”

Dan pulled Phil’s face up and kissed him slowly, softly, trying to show him the depth of his feelings through the pressure of his lips alone. They’d been together a long time. They knew the language of each other’s kisses.

When he pulled away, Phil’s body was more relaxed and the lines of worry had eased from his face. He lifted a hand to the side of Dan’s face and leaned in for another kiss. Dan could read regret in it, but also so much love that he almost couldn’t breathe.

“Together,” Phil whispered afterward. “We’ll get through this together. Because that’s what it means to really be in love for the long haul. Right?”

Dan nodded and smiled, darting in for another quick kiss. “Right. Now … come back to bed? Cuddling there is a lot more comfortable.” He shifted Phil off his lap and stood, holding out his hand. Phil took it, and they walked together back to the bedroom, where they crawled under the covers together and held each other close until they’d both fallen into a peaceful sleep.

The sex was intense during that first month. Phil consistently held his gaze, eyes tender and fervid, as they touched and moved together and were as close as it was possible for them to get. His hands moved over Dan’s skin as if he caressed the most precious thing in the world.

“How is it possible that we’ve been together for 7 years, and we’ve talked so often about our future, and you apparently never once thought about marriage?”

“Well, I mean, of course the topic crossed my mind. I mean, I may not stalk my Tumblr tag but it’s hard to miss the crazy stuff people write in the live show chat.”

“Crazy stuff?”

��Don’t look like that! I just meant that the fans make up all kinds of theories and write all kinds of stuff about us, and I just sort of … thought of it as part of that.”

“Just … over-the-top shipper fantasies? Nothing … real? Nothing that could ever really happen?”

“Dan … I’m sorry. I’m just trying my best to be completely honest.”

“Yeah. I get that.”

Sometimes Dan got angry and frustrated and went out to cafes for hours just to get away from the flat. To get away from Phil. Sometimes he wondered why he was putting himself through this, what the fuck he was waiting for.

Dan had been lost in the Google vortex—looking up one thing after another after another—for he wasn’t even sure how long when he realized he hadn’t seen Phil in a while. He walked down the hall to Phil’s bedroom to find the door open, but Phil just sitting on the bed, leaning back against the wicker headboard fully clothed, lost in thought.

“Hey,” Dan said. “What’s up?”

“Did you know … when I came out to my flatmates in uni, they laughed.” Phil had been blurting out these seemingly random non sequiturs for weeks now, so Dan didn’t blink an eye.

“Yeah?” He’d found that just listening and asking questions seemed to help the conversations along best when they popped up like this. He sat down on the edge of Phil’s bed.

“One of the guys was even gay. But they all thought I was joking at first, like being bisexual is so unimaginable that it’s obviously a prank.” His face was set in grim lines. “Over that first year, they all said various stuff. Like I was just confused, or not ready to admit that I was gay. That I just hadn’t met the right person yet.” He looked at Dan. “Not a single one of them took me seriously.”

Dan nodded. He’d heard this kind of stuff before, not about Phil but just generally about how bi people were often treated. He could hear the underlying anger in Phil’s voice, buried deep below the hurt.

“When I got a girlfriend, my friends said it was proof that I was straight. I tried to explain that I’d be just as interested in having a boyfriend, but nobody seemed interested in actually listening. And … I was so upset that nobody seemed to care … I went to this LGBT club at the university. I figured it was the one place where people might understand, you know?”

Phil paused as if remembering, then continued. “They were all friendly and everything, even when I said I was bisexual, but when I mentioned that I had a girlfriend, suddenly … well, they weren’t as friendly anymore. They acted like having a girlfriend made me straight, so I didn’t belong anymore.”

Phil stopped talking, and Dan saw a muscle in his jaw clench. His eyes were blazing when he looked at Dan again. “What part of ‘bisexual’ did they not understand? What part of ‘interested in both’ was so difficult to grasp? Having a girlfriend didn’t make me straight any more than having a boyfriend would have made me gay. But nobody seemed to understand that. Not even the fucking LGBT club.” Phil almost never swore, so the word told Dan how angry he was.

Phil looked away again, and the anger in his face slowly faded. Now he just looked tired. He shrugged dismissively, but Dan wasn’t fooled by the attempt at casualness. “I dated a few people in uni, not just that one girl. A couple girls, a couple guys. But all of them seemed to think that because I was bisexual I was going to cheat on them. Like I had such an insatiable desire for both that I wouldn’t be able to settle for just one in the long term. They just couldn’t seem to understand that what interested me was people, and that I was capable of committing to one—the only difference was that I didn’t care which gender they were. So none of the relationships lasted.”

He looked up at Dan again. “None of them lasted until I met you.” Dan reached out, and Phil took his hand, but the touch was light and hesitant.

“And even then I guess I was letting all that past stuff come between us … and I didn’t even realize it. Not until you asked me to marry you and it all came crashing down on me.” His grasp on Dan’s hand became a little firmer as he said, “I’m so sorry about that.”

Dan finally spoke up. “You’ve said you’re sorry about ten thousand times in the past couple months, Phil. I get it, and you’re forgiven. Just … try to let go of being sorry … and work on moving forward. Because being sorry is something you do by yourself, but moving forward is something we can do together.”

Sex had become more tentative between them. Dan looked for the same passion he’d seen in Phil’s eyes, but found a deep sadness, as if Phil had sunk so deep into his own grief, his own past, that he wasn’t fully present, as if some part of him was always stuck in those remembered wrongs.

Dan felt like he was making love with a ghost.

“I’m grateful to 22-year-old Phil every day for responding to your pesky tweets.”

“Really?”

“I’d never have gotten to know 25-year-old Dan otherwise, and 25-year-old Dan is my favorite person in the world.”

“Can I ask another potentially uncomfortable question?”

“I’m ready.”

“What does ‘marriage’ actually mean to you? What do you think of when you hear the word?”

“I don’t know. I guess … paperwork. Legal mumbo jumbo. Joint property. Making sure your kids are legitimate. Taxes. That sort of thing.”

“Yeah, you always did say it was just a piece of paper.”

“I can’t help it. That’s just the connotations it has for me.”

“What about your parents?”

“What about them?”

“Do you think that’s why they’re married? Joint property? Taxes?”

“Um…”

“Because I’ve always thought it seemed like they really love each other, and that’s why they’re still together after so many years. … That’s the kind of marriage I would want to have.”

Dan was in the middle of editing a video when Phil approached him and just hovered nearby, not saying anything. Dan saved his work and looked up expectantly, but reached out a hand when he saw the expression on Phil’s face. Phil took his hand and led him to their bed, where he made love to Dan as if he were precious again, as if Phil was whole again, and fully present. He looked into Dan’s eyes as he entered him, and it felt like they were truly one.

Everything wasn’t perfect, but it seemed to be getting better. Phil talked more, laughed more, made more jokes. But he was obviously still thinking.

“You’ve talked about how your uni friends acted when you came out, but how did your parents react?”

“Oh, they were pretty confused at first, but … I don’t know … they were just used to me being weird, and so this was just another weird Phil thing. They accepted it pretty easily.”

“No worries at all? Seriously?”

“Not really. Like I said, they’re used to me being weird. So I guess bisexuality didn’t seem any weirder to them than YouTube did.”

“Want to know what I’m most ashamed of, now that I’ve had the time to think about it?”

“Do you really want to talk about this right before we go to sleep?”

“I just … I haven’t had the guts to bring it up before this. And I’ve been wanting to. Because I want to be honest with you, even about the things I don’t like in myself.”

“Okay. You’ve got me scared as hell now. Go ahead.”

“Well, I’ve been thinking, and I thought about how I hate conflict. And how being bisexual is like a lifetime of coming out, a lifetime of defending myself against other people’s prejudices, and how exhausting that is, and how I don’t want to spend my life fighting this never-ending battle … and I realized that on some level, deep down, I kind of wish I could be straight, because it would make my life so much simpler.”

“Well, to be honest, it would. But you aren’t straight.”

“I know. But I think … when I thought about someday marrying a woman and settling down and having kids … it was like this idealized future where I wouldn’t have to fight anymore, you know? Where I wouldn’t have to always be explaining myself … and I could just … be. And it wouldn’t actually be dishonest, because I do like women, and I could easily have ended up with a woman … and that future could have happened. But instead I fell in love with you.”

“Phil … are you sorry?”

“God, Dan, I could never be sorry about that!”

“Okay! Okay! I believe you! Keep at me like that and we’ll never go to sleep, because I’ll have to ravish you all over again!”

“I just wanted you to know. I figured out where that idea came from. I think it came from wanting to avoid conflict, wanting to have my life be simple and easy and normal.”

“I once heard this wise saying: Normalness leads to sadness.”

“You know, I’ve heard that, too!”

“Sounds pretty smart to me.”

They were in the shower, of all places, and Phil was washing Dan’s back when he asked out of the blue—as all his questions seemed to be these past few months—“Why do you want to get married so badly?”

Dan turned to look at him, the black hair plastered to his head, wet fringe swept back and water droplets clinging to his eyelashes like impending tears. But his eyes were incredibly clear in the light of the bathroom, their unique combination of colors like a stream flowing over brightly colored pebbles, and the look in them was soft and fond.

“Well, the truth is that I don’t really want to get married all that badly.” He waited a beat for Phil’s incredulity and was not disappointed.

Phil sputtered. “But … I thought … what about … on the beach … all those things you said … and what’s all this been about, then … I mean…”

Dan lifted a finger and pressed it to Phil’s lips, silencing him. “I don’t particularly care about getting married, but I do want to marry you. It isn’t about getting married. It’s about marrying you.”

Phil apparently decided that the best way to wash Dan’s back was to pull him closer, pressing their chests together, and wrapping his arms around him so he could run his soapy hands over Dan’s back in an embrace. Dan put his arms around Phil’s neck and smiled at him.

“So why do you want to marry me so badly?” Phil asked, and his voice had gone a bit husky.

Dan had been waiting weeks for this question, so he was well prepared. He wove his fingers into the wet hair on the back of Phil’s head and looked directly into his eyes. “I want to marry you, Philip Lester, because I love you so much that I don’t want to keep it to myself. I want to stand in front of our friends and family and viewers and the Queen and the House of fucking Lords and declare that I adore you and want you by my side for the rest of our lives. I want to sign pieces of paper that tie us together, because I want to tie you to me in every way possible. No, not in a kinky way, you perv. We’re not talking about the bedroom right now. We’re talking about life. I’m talking about saying, ‘This person is half my life, and I want to declare it in every way possible. I would get his name tattooed on my forehead if it weren’t so aesthetically offensive, and instead I’d like to wear his ring on my finger and introduce him every day for the rest of our lives as my husband.’”

Phil looked a little shellshocked, and his hands had stilled on Dan’s back. They just stood there under the shower spray, looking into each other’s eyes.

“Does that answer your question?” Dan asked smugly, and Phil just nodded, apparently struck dumb.

“Okay then. It’s your turn. Let me wash your back.” They changed places and Dan ran soapy hands over the smooth skin of Phil’s pale back, pausing a moment to knead a bit at his shoulders. They weren’t particularly tense, and that discovery made Dan very happy.

Dan occasionally got texts from Phil’s mum. She never asked anything too nosy, but her extreme curiosity was evident in the questions she did ask.

How are you and my Philly doing?

Anything new with you boys?

I hope we’ll see you again soon under much happier circumstances, dear.

Dan always responded with affection and respect, but no actual information.

“What if I said no?”

“Said no to what?”

“What if I said no, I don’t want to get married? Would that end us?”

“I really don’t want to turn this into an ultimatum, Phil. That’s not fair to you.”

“Let me decide what’s fair to me. And what I think is fair is for you to be honest about what’s at stake here.”

“Phil … to be honest, I don’t know. I’ve been trying not to think about it. The important thing right now is for you to figure out how you feel, and we can deal with the rest later.”

“But all those things you said in the shower about wanting to marry me…”

“I do want to marry you. Very much. But if you don’t want to marry me, then I don’t want it either. Because getting married would be about us, Phil, about what we both want, not just about what I want.”

“So you’d be okay with not getting married?”

“Phil … I’d really rather not think about it right now. I’m sorry, but I don’t want this to turn into an ultimatum even in my own head. I love you. I want to marry you. If you decide that’s not what you want, then we’ll talk about it together, okay?”

“Okay.”

Dan was in the kitchen getting plates for their Indian takeaway when Phil lounged in the doorway and asked, “Did you tell my family that you proposed to me? I mean, before you left that day on the Isle of Man?”

Dan turned to look at him but couldn’t read Phil’s expression. He sighed. Hopefully this wouldn’t make Phil angry.

“To be honest … well … I actually sat them all down beforehand and … well … I sort of asked for their blessing.” He turned back to the cupboards to get the plates, not wanting to watch Phil’s face in case it did something he didn’t want to see.

Phil sounded shocked when he replied, “Before you even asked me?”

Dan’s voice squeaked embarrassingly when he said, “Yes?” It sounded like a question, even though it really wasn’t. He slowly turned with the plates in his hands and looked at Phil, his heart in his throat.

Phil’s face was a mask. “So … they’ve known this whole time? All of them?”

Dan put the plates on the counter and swallowed nervously. “Um. Yeah. Before I left, I asked them not to tell you, because I didn’t want them to pressure you.”

The blankness on Phil’s face turned to puzzlement. “Why would they have pressured me?”

Dan could feel himself blushing. He turned to open the food containers. “They all seemed … pretty keen on the idea.”

He couldn’t see Phil as he focused with unnecessary diligence on spooning rice and curry onto the plates, but the silence behind him was making him increasingly anxious.

“That would explain some of the texts I’ve gotten from my mum these past few months,” Phil said with a bit of amusement in his tone.

Dan turned to look at him nervously. “You aren’t mad?”

Phil looked thoughtful for a moment. “I guess not. I mean, it’s kind of weird to find out that they’ve known this whole time and never said anything … and it’s kind of weird that you talked to them about it before you talked to me … but … no, I guess I’m not mad.”

They took their plates into the lounge, but before he turned on the tv, Phil said, “I’m surprised my mum was so keen, though. She’s always really wanted grandchildren and … well … you know … that would have been easier if I were with a woman, so I would have expected her to be hesitant. I guess maybe she’s just hoping for Martyn and Cornelia.”

Dan put his plate down, feeling a bit offended. “You know it would be perfectly easy for us to have kids. There are loads of kids who need good homes, just waiting to be adopted. Or there are surrogates. There are options, Phil. Two men being married doesn’t mean not raising kids.” After a moment, he added more softly, “We could totally have kids.” He picked up his plate and took a self-righteous bite of food, not looking at Phil. He chewed, waiting, but Phil didn’t say anything. He still hadn’t turned the tv on, though.

“And maybe it’s also because my mum loves you and would rather see me raise kids with you than with some fictional woman I could have ended up with instead.”

Dan’s head whipped around. Phil was smiling softly. Then a silly grin grew on his face. “We could have kids,” he marveled in a near whisper.

Dan smiled back, wide and happy. “Yeah, we could.”

They sat there just beaming at each other until Dan remembered their food would be getting cold. “But for right now,” he said with a chuckle, “we can have curry. And Attack on Titan.”

Phil nodded, gave Dan one more smile, and then tucked into his dinner. Dan couldn’t help but let his hopes soar into the stratosphere.

Dan was shocked when Phil became more withdrawn after the conversation about children. He’d thought they’d really connected, that they’d shared a moment of dreams for their future, and now Phil seemed to be pulling away. He was spending more time in the bedroom instead of hanging out with Dan in the lounge, and when they did spend time together Phil seemed distracted and reserved.

One week passed like that, then two.

Dan went back to his occasional silent requests for cuddles, and Phil always complied, taking him into his arms and holding him just as he always had, but Dan couldn’t help feeling like Phil was doing him a favor. It made him a little angry … but, really, the anger was just hurt wearing a defensive mask. He’d thought they were growing closer, that Phil was figuring things out and moving toward Dan … but now he seemed to be moving further away instead.

Dan didn’t understand it. But he didn’t ask, because he was afraid of what Phil would say. He was afraid that Phil was making up his mind, or that he already had, and that his decision was resulting in this slow and silent withdrawal.

When they made love, Dan found himself grasping at Phil with desperate hands, trying to hold him tightly as if to prevent him from slipping away. Because it felt like he was.

“Can we talk?”

Dan heard the words from Phil’s lips, but they seemed to set his ears to ringing and he felt like he might actually faint. Phil sounded serious, and so Dan knew there was only one topic that could be on his mind.

Phil had decided. Sure, Dan had said that they could talk about it afterward, but in these past few weeks of feeling so alone even with Phil drifting around the house in a haze, Dan had realized that Phil could really truly break his heart. He kept imagining Phil’s face saying, “I don’t want to marry you,” and trying to imagine how they could bounce back from that, what kind of relationship they could have once Phil had decided that he didn’t want to stand in front of the House of fucking Lords and declare his eternal love and commitment. Would it create an inequality in the relationship, with both of them knowing Dan wanted more than Phil did? Or would they be able to make it work somehow? Maybe even still be able to find a way to spend their lives together, just … not married.

He realized he’d been standing there, frozen, not responding to Phil’s question. He had just entered the lounge and Phil was sitting in his usual spot at the far end of the sofa. Dan walked like a man to the gallows and took his own usual seat in the sofa crease at the opposite end. The space between them seemed infinite. But then Phil unexpectedly scooted closer.

“I’ve thought about all of this a lot,” Phil began.

Dan couldn’t help interrupting. “I noticed.”

Phil smiled. Dan didn’t.

“Dan, I owe you an apology. I owe you lots of apologies, actually. The biggest one, though, is that I’m sorry my feelings about my own sexuality ended up messing things up so badly between us.” Dan looked down at his hands, but Phil reached out and took them in his. Dan hadn’t been expecting that. Phil continued, “I never wanted to hurt you, and I know that I did. I know that I’ve been hurting you all along these past few months, making you wait for me to make up my stupid mind.”

Phil paused then asked nervously, “Could you look at me? Please?” Dan looked up and met Phil’s gaze. He still looked so serious, but he tried to smile again. “I wanted to tell you that … I’ve thought a lot … and I realized that the idea I had when I was younger, that stupid thought that someday I might marry some unknown woman and settle down … that idea was all about having a normal life, an easier life … but you helped him realize that getting married isn’t just about making your life easier or even better … it’s about choosing a particular person, and making your life better with that specific, special person.”

Dan was listening very closely now, because he was getting the feeling that this wasn’t going where he’d thought it would. He was trying not to make assumptions, but…

Phil raised Dan’s hands and kissed each one softly, then said, “When I thought about that ‘normal’ marriage when I was young, it was just a fantasy … but the love you and I have is better than any fantasy. It’s real and strong and it’s forever. I want it to be forever, and I want everyone to know that.”

Phil got down on one knee on the floor at Dan’s feet and Dan gasped. He was embarrassed that he’d gasped like a girl in a cliché rom-com, but he had to admit that he did. Phil shrugged a little, looking self-conscious but adorable. “You didn’t get on one knee because you said you wanted to ask me to marry you face-to-face like equals, but I’m coming to you on bended knee because I’m asking you to forgive me for all the stupid ways I’ve hurt you. I always said marriage was just a piece of paper, but the fact that I got so worked up about it … well, I realized that was proof that it did really matter to me.”

He looked up into Dan’s face, still holding Dan’s hands in his, and took a deep breath. He looked really nervous now, and Dan just wanted to kiss him. Wanted to kiss him so very badly, but also couldn’t wait to hear what he was going to say next. “So, Dan Howell, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for how I let my past get in our way … and if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for how long I kept you waiting … and if you can find it in your heart to still love me like you did on that beach on the Isle of Man all those months ago … then would you please do me the honor of becoming my husband, declaring our love before Queen and country, sharing the rest of your life with me, and maybe even helping me give my mum some grand-kids to fawn over?” Phil pretended to look around him as if searching for something, then added, “I don’t have a box of rings to offer, but I think there’s probably one in the flat somewhere.”

Dan laughed with relief and joy, then released Phil’s hands to shove at his shoulder. “I thought you were pulling me aside to tell me no, you berk! You’ve barely spoken to me for weeks! I was a nervous wreck!”

Phil beamed at him. “That makes two of us! So … is this a yes, then?”

Dan pulled Phil up and into his lap and kissed him as he’d been longing to do, then pulled away to say, “Yes! Marry me, you fool!”

Phil whooped, then landed a proper passionate kiss on Dan. It went on for a while, but Dan was in no hurry to end it. Finally, when Phil reluctantly pulled away, he said, “I’m sorry if I’ve seemed distant lately. I just … when everything started coming together in my head, it was a little overwhelming … and I needed time to figure out if this was really what I wanted.”

“And it is?” Dan hated himself for still needing reassurance, but he had to ask the question anyway.

“How can you doubt it after that whole speech?” Phil exclaimed. “I worked so hard on that!”

Dan leaned his head on Phil’s shoulder and said quietly, “It was a beautiful speech.”

He felt Phil press a kiss to his hair, then Phil admitted hesitantly, “I should be honest … I’m still a little nervous about coming out. It hasn’t always gone so well for me in the past, you know.”

Dan raised his head and met Phil’s eyes. “But this time we’ll be doing it together.”

[Continue to Chapter 7]

Author’s Note: And so the angsty part of this story comes to an end! One more chapter, then a short epilogue, and we’re done!

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan #dan and phil #phan angst #phan fluff #angsty phan #fluffy phan #myphanfic

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