#they went thusly: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH WHY THE HELL DID I DO THIS OH MY-

[pragmagician]

Hot Take

I struggle with a weird combination of Brain Problems, including- but not limited to- Anxiety & Depression. (“Struggle” is an interesting word that is often used to describe this experience, but I find it lacks the OOMPH to properly convey what’s going on. Does anyone have a better word/ phrase?)

Anyways.

Often I find myself dreading a task. “What if I talk to that person & they think I’m stupid/ lazy/ hate me? This is so awful, I wish I could disappear.”

But yknow what??

I’ve jumped off of a rocky ledge into water of an unknown depth before, & I could do it again. Literally & figuratively. This summer, I paid $200 to jump out of a plane with a few other people who also paid to do that, while strapped to people who jumped out of planes for a living! I have also contemplated the end of my existence, & how I might personally achieve that!!

The point I’m shouting about is this:

Anxiety & Depression make it very hard to imagine a successful outcome for literally anything I try to do. Usually I feel that despair & think, Why even try? What if I try & fail? How terrifying it would be, to reach that failure. But if I can perceive my own death as something that I may or may not embrace, which is so much more terrifying to a good portion of the population, what’s stopping me from doing something slightly less terminal?

What if I did one scary thing a month? Biweekly? Once or twice a week? Daily??

What if I could convince myself that making an appointment is just as dangerous/awful as other things that I have already managed to survive, & thus convince myself that I can do that?

Turns out, if I apply the same thought process to talking to people/ making appointments/ applying for school as I did for that time I jumped off a cliff, it’s... I won’t say it’s any less terrifying, or easy, but it is something that I can survive. Which is more than can be said for a lot of the other things I’ve imagined when I purposefully don’t buckle my seatbelt.

It’s my personal goal to keep reminding myself of that fact.

Of course, not everyone has the same experience of intentionally falling from great heights. But everyone has experienced something personally Bad & lived.

Think about that Bad Thing. It’s pretty BAD, right? You might not like the person that came out the other side of it. But you’re still here, & that is a triumph & testimony to your personal strength- regardless of how strong you currently feel.

Now imagine doing something scary that would probably benefit your continued existence; taking a shower, going outside, sending a text, calling a friend. Is it worse than what you’ve already experienced? Is it about the same? You’re still alive! Go do that scary thing!!

I can say with 99.99% surety that you will still be alive after the scary thing.

(The .01% chance is because of Anxiety & because I don’t personally believe in absolutes, please don’t take my own fear as a reflection on your life expectancy.)

I BELIEVE IN YOU!