#they wanted to keep certain things to send to friends kids but they haven't decided what yet

[jedi-bird]

Appointment went pretty well this morning, other than dozing off because I've been up since way too early. Debated stopping to buy potting soil on the way home but decided against it since it was already getting hot. Finally brought this week's mail in; got some prints I've been waiting for and some pleasant (and not so pleasant in one case but still good) letters. Planned to go through more things before the donation pickup next week but realized I'm not in it right kind of headspace so shredded papers instead. Now my allergies are mad at me and making me regret it.

[pink-tonic]

Four is One Too Many📰

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Note: Sorry for the long wait. (ᵕ—ᴗ—) I've just been busy, but don't worry I haven't forgotten about you guys. This story will keep getting updates, so don't worry about me abandoning it. I hope you enjoy these new chapters. Btw I have my second account up which is filled with oc x reader stories if you're into that. @reov

Warnings: None

I felt like I was being stretched thin yesterday. There were four people to blame for my exhaustion.

Kizano is one of them. I somewhat understand him and why he wants my company this week, and that's because this week is the last week for rehearsals and to set up the play. He reminded me that next week, the son of the school's founder - or he is also known as Megamo Saikou - will come back. Kizano's nerves are on fire from the pressure. He wants everything to be perfect because this will be his first audience member who is a big shot. He did remind me that my opinion will matter the most to him rather than some random celebrity, but I think he must've been lying so he could save a bit of face.

I would have loved to see more of Kizano's performance, but during lunch yesterday, I was being chased down by a certain delinquent.

After what happened between me and Ayato over the weekend, I didn't know how to approach Osoro, and what happened at the Gardening Club on Monday didn't help either. I noticed that Osoro is oddly possessive of me to an extent. It's rather weird because I don't know what he would want from me to act that way. He wanted someone new to hang around with, and that was fine with me, but what he did on Monday makes me think that he wants me to mean more to him. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it, but the way he grabbed me on Monday just makes me think that.

During lunch yesterday, I had to confess to Ayato that Osoro was most likely trying to find me. Ayato asked me 'Why' and I didn't have an answer for him. What Osoro is doing isn't a friendship thing, it has to be something more.

I just hope that I'm just overthinking all of it.

Now, on to Ayato. Yesterday, I decided to dedicate my time to him. I feel horrible for doing so. My mind is telling me to stop being nice to him and instead go out and try to find evidence, but my heart is telling me that it's okay to forgive him. People can change.

But how do I know that he changed?

Well, for one, he isn't trying to hurt me, and instead, he is trying to hang out with me, so there's that. And I could be going crazy but it doesn't seem like he likes Taeko as much as before. It's odd to me. I don't see him showing any interest towards her. It's almost like he moved on to me. I just don't understand why he is trying to get back on my good side. A few weeks ago, he wanted me dead more than anything else, but now he wants to be around me and hang out.

And yesterday, he asked me to unblock him.

When we stopped being friends, I blocked his number so he wouldn't try to send threats. Of course, that didn't stop him from doing it in person. The day when he chased me home still lingers in my mind. Every time I get a good feeling about him, that memory resurfaces in my mind. It's like my mind is giving me flashbacks, so I recognize how dangerous he is.

But I decided to unblock him yesterday, and he texted me. I found it odd that he texted me first since he never really did that before. I had to text first, which I didn't mind, but it was odd that he was now the one doing it. I felt that I acted too cold to him while we texted, but it was because I didn't really want to text him. I strictly wanted to see him at school and nowhere else. Now, I'm texting him. How much more time until he asks me to hang out with him?

Ayato has always been complex. Even when we were children, I couldn't figure him out, but I didn't need to because we were only kids. Now it feels like I have to figure him out, or I'll suffer consequences. Maybe he is trying to break down the walls I made so he can come crashing in and hurt me, but I don't know. I just hope he isn't twisted enough to go through all the trouble of regaining my trust, only to betray me in the end.

Besides feeling bad for myself, I feel bad for Hanako, too. It's only his first few days at this new, big school, and his only friend is now being taken away from him. His only friend so far is me, I'm not counting Taeko or Taro since those are his siblings. I'm sure that by the end of the week he will have some more friends, his extroverted nature will draw people to him. But so far, I'm the only one he talks to.

During lunch, I had to leave him behind so I could be with Ayato. He told me it was fine, but I swear I saw a bit of sadness in his eyes. It's like his mind was telling him to let me go, but his heart wanted to hold onto me. I'm sure he is attached to me to a certain degree, but it must be due to not having anyone else but his siblings.

Unfortunately, it seems that he won't be seeing me as much as before. Ayato wants to be with me, and I just don't have the heart to turn him down. But maybe it's also because I'm scared to turn him down. I'm scared of the consequences of shutting him down. Even though I would rather spend time with Hanako, I need to give Ayato what he wants.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

It's lunchtime, and I’m dreading leaving the classroom. I mean, I could stay here. Some kids already do that and eat inside of the classrooms with their friends. I could do the same. But Ayato is expecting me to meet up with him.

I decide to text Ayato so he can meet me in the classroom. It would be better if he comes to me than for me to come to him. Only two minutes pass, and the door to the classroom opens up. I turn, and I see Ayato walking inside of the classroom and closing the door behind him.

I wave to him, and he just walks over to me. He pulls a chair from one of the nearby desks and places it near my desk. He sits down, and neither of us say anything. I have no idea what I want to say to him, and maybe being in an empty classroom wasn't the best idea in the first place.

"So... are you feeling better?" I ask him since I feel it would be obvious to ask that question first to him, "Do you need your bandages to be changed again?"

Ayato doesn't respond to me immediately, it's like he is trapped in some sort of daze, and my voice is the only thing that can snap him out of it.

"Yes, I'm feeling better. I changed them before I came to school. It hurts less," he quickly tells me as his eyes focus back on me.

"I'm happy to hear that. I hope you get better soon," I tell him with a sincere smile. It feels so odd to be able to empathize with him. I know how it feels to deal with a stab wound, and now he is going through it, too.

I hate to admit it, but it feels like my heart is winning over my brain. I should have turned him down, I should've slammed the door in his face, I should have never been a part of his plan to arrest Rana.

I should've never done any of that.

Now, my heart wants things to go back to how it was before. Just the two of us. To go back to a time where there was no Taeko or Taro or Hanako, where Osoro and Kizano weren't around trying to fight over my attention. Going back to a time when I would push Ayato on a swing in the hopes that it could make him happy. A time when I would yell at other kids to leave us alone because I wanted to be his friend.

My mind wants to push past the feeling, but I just can't.

I think I missed him.

I missed Ayato.

But do I miss the memories, or do I miss him? I think it's both.

"Are you okay?" His monotone voice calls out to me, and now it's my turn to snap out of my thoughts. I focus my attention on him. He doesn't have a single emotion on his face, but I wonder if he got worried for a moment.

I give him a smile, "Yeah... I was just thinking."

"Thinking about what? Is it about someone?" He asks me, and his second question catches me off guard. Why would he ask if I'm thinking of someone? Is he trying to see if I like Taeko? That can't be, right? My paranoia is just trying to put out the worst scenario in my mind.

I shyly look off to the side, "Well, I was just thinking of... us." I can't help it anymore, and I have to tell him. I need to know what I mean to him now, and I hope he doesn't tell me something vague that only leaves me thinking.

Before, he can even think of a response to my question. The door to the classroom slams open, and I jump in my seat from the sound of the door hitting the doorframe, but Ayato looks unfazed by the sound. It almost makes me feel weak that I jumped at the sound of a door being slammed open.

"There you are!" Kizano yells out towards me as he points his finger at me. I would describe the scene as very dramatic, if anything. Kizano rushes up to us as his cape trails behind him, making him look like a frustrated prince.

He slams his hands on the desk and looks over towards Ayato with a glare. "And you!" He points at Ayato, and he presses his finger to Ayato's chest, "I thought I could trust you, but here you are trying to take away my future prince! I can't believe you, Aishi!"

"Kizano, please calm down. I'm sure a student council member is bound to come check on us because of how loud you’re being," I quickly scold Kizano. All this yelling is bound to give me a headache.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N)," he tells me, but his finger doesn't leave Ayato's chest, "It's just that Aishi was the one who was trying to get us together, but now he wants all your attention! It's hard enough having to deal with that delinquent chasing you down."

Get us together? Ayato was the one who made Kizano fall in love with me? Why would he do that? Was he just trying to help Kizano get with someone, or was there another motive behind it?

"Kizano, what are you talking about?" I ask him.

"Oh! I never told you? Well-"

Kizano couldn't continue what he was saying since Ayato spoke up, "That's enough, Kizano. I only wanted to talk to (Y/N) and catch up with him. Can you leave so we can be together?"

"You don't seem to understand, Ayato. This is the last week before Megamo Saikou comes back to school, and this performance needs to be perfect! I need my darling to watch me and tell me what needs to be improved on," Kizano explains with less impatience than before. It was clear that the pressure of the performance was getting to him. It makes me feel bad for not using more of my time to be with him.

"Kizano, I'm sure the performance will be great," I tell him as I get up from my seat and I stand in front of him, "How about during the day of the performance I stick by your side?"

"Really? You would do that for me? Well, of course you would do it for me! You love me, don't you?" Kizano blurts out, it's almost like my small suggestion caused his mind to go haywire. It was kind of cute in a way.

"Of course! I just want to use this week to be with Ayato. I haven't talked to him in months. Would that be good for you?" I ask one last question, hoping that it would satisfy Kizano.

I see him snap out of his daze and nod his head, "Of course! You can go and talk to the backstabber all you want! But you will be with me during the performance!"

Kizano then makes his way out of the room and closes the door behind him. I let out a sigh of relief and sit back down. I place my elbow on the table and put the side of my face onto the palm of my hand, I look over towards Ayato. "So, matchmaking?" I ask him with a small smile.

He looks off to the side and nods his head. He looks embarrassed, but I can't really tell. Maybe he is, to some extent? I let out a laugh and shake my head.

"Was it for Taeko?"

The question sits in the air and is left unanswered for a few moments. It scares me. Did I mess up and ask something wrong? I hope I didn't. But the day keeps on getting chaotic when I hear the door open again. It's much more gentle this time around, and I assume it's just a student coming in to get something from their bag.

But when I look over, I see a student council member. I recognize her as Kuroko Kamenaga. Her inky black locks fall down to the middle of her back, and her bangs perfectly shape her face and suit her. Her glasses are held by a chain, and I see her push them up as she steps into the room.

"(L/N), I hope that I'm not interrupting anything, but the headmaster would like to see you," she informs me as she cups her hands together and places them behind her back.

I want to ask why, but her presence makes me nervous. Her stern gaze is enough to make me stand up from my seat and approach her. I hear another chair move behind me. I look over, and I see Ayato getting up too.

Kamenaga places her hand in front of herself in a 'stop' motion and speaks out, "Not you. Just (L/N)."

She opens the door and I leave quickly with her. I don't turn around to see what face Ayato made - or even if he made one at all. But I'm sure he was mad to some capacity. At the pace I'm going, it almost seems like I'm guiding Kamenaga to the headmaster's office instead of the other way around. I'm the one to open up the doors, and I walk inside as Kamenaga follows behind.

When I walk inside, I see the headmaster sitting at his desk like always. In front of him there is a laptop, which isn't abnormal but it's the fact that there is a voice coming from the computer.

"Oh, here he is, Mr. Saikou," the headmaster tells the person on the other side, and that name catches my attention. Saikou? As in the leader of the student council? Why would he want to talk to me? Does he even want to talk to me? He has to because why else would I be here for?

"Take a seat, (L/N)," the headmaster calls out to me, and I reluctantly go and take a seat in front of him. I sit down and pull the chair slightly closer to him.

"I'm not sure if you know, (L/N), but next week the leader of the student council is coming back to campus," the headmaster tells me and I nod in understanding, "Good, so you do know. Well, he would like to have a student show him around and tell him of any changes that have happened around the campus. I have decided to make you his guide. I hope you take this position with pride."

It sounds like I don't have a choice in this matter. I have to take on this new responsibility. I wonder why he didn't pick one of the other student council members? Either way, it does make sense he did pick me. I'm a club leader, I rarely miss days, I show up on time, I get almost perfect grades, and I would say that I have a good reputation. I'm just worried about making an impression. I am going to speak to the heir of the Saikou family.

"Yes, sir. I'll gladly take on the position of helping Mr. Saikou around the school starting next week," I tell the headmaster, and he looks content with my response.

He then looks at the computer where Mr. Saikou is waiting, "It looks like (L/N) will be your guide. He will wait for you in the student council meeting room starting next week on Monday."

"How wonderful. I can't wait to meet one of Akademi’s star students.”

[jellybeanium124]

Hi, Australian Jew here.

Sending this anonymously because I'm not openly Jewish on Tumblr, however I am considering doing so in the short-term.

I'm sorry to bother you but I wanted to ask you a few questions, if you're open to it (feel free to ignore this if so). Just so you know, I'm asking the same questions of the Jewish bloggers I follow who post regularly - both those who blog about the current Israel/Palestine situation, and those who identify as Jewish but post mainly fandom/other content.

Do you or have you receive/d abuse for being Jewish, or for your stance on the war? If so, how often? How do you respond to any hateful messages? Do you post them publicly or answer them privately? How much would you say your mental health is/has been affected by any messages, or by the content you see on your feed? Have you developed any strategies for handling social media during this time?

Thank you for reading. :-)

I've received maybe half a dozen antisemitic hate anons since 10/7. I wanna say maybe 2 or 3 between june 7, 2020 (when I created this blog) and oct 7, 2023. I think I've posted the hate anons publicly once or twice, but after that I just screenshotted, blocked them, and sent them to one of my jewish friends for mocking. honestly they didn't bother me that much. a lot of them were low effort. nobody even threatened to kill me. the terfs put more effort into harassing me and I'm not even trans. frankly the antisemites need to step up their game.

while the messages haven't hurt me... yeah... the war in general has affected me. I've lost a lot of faith in the strength of my relationships with goyim. several of them have left me. every time I post about the war I'm certain I'm going to lose another friend, and that hurts. it's been a little nerve-wracking discussing it with my irl goyische friends, but to my massive relief all of them are normal about the situation. however, about a month ago, me and a friend of 15 years got into a small tiff about it, and when they went radio silent all day, visions of them hating me filled my head and I had to send a super annoying socially anxious text to make sure they don't hate me now. thank gd they do not. I love them deeply and want them to be in my life for as long as we live. we still have to come up with a gender-neutral alternative to aunt/uncle for my kids to call them someday. if they decided to cut me off that would've been the last straw for a mental breakdown, actually.

sometimes it gets really tough to see this stuff on my dash. I've gotten better at just filtering out all the blocked posts that pass me by. to be perfectly, 100% honest with you, if tumblr didn't allow me to block content so thoroughly and I had to see every single post about the war put onto my dash... I would've left tumblr months ago. or just unfollowed 95% of the people I follow. I could not handle that. I'm sorry. this war did upset me enough to the point where I decided to take a two-day break from tumblr (I... have a problem... you all know how much time I spend here...). I've lost a close friend on tumblr of several years that made me cry. as for other social media? I only look at two people's instagram stories these days. one of my friends, who posts her outfits daily and basically nothing else, and con o'neill. I don't trust anyone else not to put stuff that will upset me in front of my eyes. I've unfollowed a couple of people on instagram because I can't block stuff as thoroughly there. I'm also just... not on ig that much.

the past several months have also made me deeply disillusioned with the state of the left. why should I care about unrelated leftist movements when I know all of my comrades there would turn on me in a millisecond if they knew that I thought israel should keep existing even though it's done horrible things? it's turned me off of activism... seeing these "pro-palestine" protests quickly turn into "harass jews" protests and the way these college students discuss these issues, fetishizing palestinian pain and not knowing a single thing about it, is just... it makes it all feel so fake and hollow. these privileged college kids are comparing themselves to gazans and I'm supposed to believe they actually care about gazans and don't just want to feel like righteous heroes? these people verbally and physically harass jews and I'm supposed to believe they're the good guys? I don't like feeling this way. I wish I didn't feel this way. but right now the only political action I give a shit about is voting. I'm gonna vote. I'm always gonna vote. but why on earth would I get involved with people who say "punch nazis" until nazis are on their side and increase their numbers then suddenly it's all "uwu nazis are hard to get rid of 🥺?"

I understand why you're hiding your jewishness. I've started hiding it too. I stopped wearing my magen david on october 13th. I recently had my first paid film gig (yay for that at least), and whenever I was telling a story that involved my jewishness in some way, I bent the truth to go around that tidbit and told no one. someone asked if I was irish. I answered I was eastern european. a year ago I would've said I was jewish without a second thought.

I'm tired. I want the war to end. I want there to be a peace deal. I want innocent civilians to stop dying and be safe.

I don't think I'm brave, or anything. I'm a safe lil american thousands of miles away. I don't know what palestinians and israelis are living through right now. my pain is a single molecule of sand compared to the pain people actually affected by this war have gone through. all I want is for people to listen to us. I don't speak up to be brave, I speak up because knowing a jew is the only inoculation against the hatred spreading through the pro-palestine movement. because if you know me, then jews aren't foreign. noa's a jew. noa's my friend. noa likes billy joel. noa writes silly incorrect quote posts. noa's a person. she's not some scary unknown. she's my friend.

I wish people still wanted to be my friend.

[jasminedragonart]

I don't get why you're complaining about things being mislabeled in fics? It happens? Most people who are posting fics nowadays are younger people who haven't been exposed to other cultures. This happens to a lot of people. Do you know how many fics I see getting the Japanese culture wrong? Shit tons. Hell, I see people get it wrong about certain parts of the UK as well, along with parts of the US. Every place has their own way of saying things that the rest of the world doesn't know about

Okay firstly, this was a little aggressive to send for something that was just a harmless comment about fic writing. Secondly, I decided to post this to maybe help these younger writers who may follow me. I know when I was starting out writing I had no idea about different ways people spoke. Heck I know I and a lot of people in the world dont believe we have an accent until we realise we're in just one tiny bit of the world and that had a different way of speaking to the rest of it.

The point is, I watch a lot of american programs, and read a lot of American comics. When I started writing fics however I'd write it in what I was used to saying it as which isnt wrong per se, but, okay let me phrase it this way.

When I was doing my degree we did this really interesting lesson about tone of voice. Tone of voice is more than just making your character say their lines you have to know your character and the story in general. So in Harry Potter the tone of voice is of a male, eleven year old child, from Britian but specifically from the south. This tone of voice needs to be believable for people who live down south or they're not going to be able to suspend their disbelief. You need to make people believe this is a southern british kid. If harry suddenly started sprouting words no eleven year old would use, or this eleven year old would use, you'd be confused. You'd be taken out of the story because this is completely ooc for the character the backstory the setting and the scene around them.

When I write fic I like to keep this in mind. So when I'm writing an american character I think about their history their mannerisms. I also think about my american friends I have and how they speak because they say things completely differently to me. They have different spellings ,different names for things, and it adds a bit of authenticity to my writing when I do add this.

My post from before wasn't a complaint. Not completely anyway. More like a 'hey guys if you don't know a lot about British words and society heres a nice starting place'. And maybe get them thinking about their own writing.

As someone who has two degrees in literature I hoped to get people thinking about their tone of voice, that's all. Education is a good thing and maybe if people are getting Japanese culture wrong you should make your own post about it. Direct people to good sources.

I know I dont know a lot about Asian culture in general. Its partly why I tend not to get creative with the ATLA art in terms of clothes or hair. I dont want to offend anyone and if its been used in the show i could maybe modify it or use that exact outfit because yeah I'm still learning. And we can't learn unless someone points it out.

[mrsseverussnape]

Love Is You - chapter 12

    A week has passed since the Christmas and Scarlett hasn't seen or talk to Severus again. The things Severus said about their breakup still didn't settle with Scarlett. She couldn't help herself but thought if they haven't broken up, perhaps things would be way different in her life right now. Scarlett was so sure that Severus would marry her and they would have their own little family with their cats but everything has gone downhill all of a sudden. The next 2 years after the breakup were the time when Sirius came back to Scarlett’s life once again. They recovered their friendship from the very start and after those 2 years their relationship turned into a romantic one. She didn't have any regrets about her relationship and later about her marriage with Sirius though actually they were pretty wonderful, but Severus always had a special place in her heart that she could not replace it with anyone.

<<< 

    Scarlett and the twins were having breakfast when a Jack Russel terrier patronus rushed in. Before they could react to it, the patronus delivered a message to Scarlett.

"At 11 o'clock, in our cabin. Be there, important."

Scarlett checked the wall clock immediately, it was 10:30. That message made her nervous because whenever they had to talk in the cabin, it was never a good sign. And also the patronus message added more stress to the situation, it meant there is a critic situation.

"Mum what was that? Whose patronus was it?"

"The minister's. But i don't know what's going on Leo."

"Why do you have a cabin together?"

"It is for the important stuff that we can't talk anywhere because unwanted people can hear."

"But you resigned, why do you still have to deal with ministry stuff?"

"Leo i know as much as you know right now. T last time i saw Dorian was weeks ago."

The twins didn't question her any further because she was visibly nervous about the situation. They continued to eat their breakfast in silence but Scarlett went upstairs to get dressed for the meeting since she didn’t have much time left. She wore a black dress and a black cloak to hide herself from possible stalkers. The minister's message made her thought that maybe he has been stalked since he didn't send a normal letter. She went downstairs to let her kids know that she was leaving. "I gotta go now. I don't know when i will be back, don't worry okay?"

"I can come with you to protect you?"

"No Leo, it is just a meeting. I will be fine. Bye!"

Then she apparated to a hidden spot of the Clemont Forest; Scarlett looked around and made sure there was no one here. Later she faced to west and took 300 steps then 86 steps to the north and now she was standing in front of the grand oak tree. She whispered "revelio" and the small cabin appeared next to the tree. She looked around one more time before casting complex unlocking charms on the door. When Scarlett walked in the cabin, the minister was already waiting for her.

"Hello Scarlett, thank you for coming." Dorian said with a forced smile, under of his eyes were dark and he was looking paler than ever.

"Hi Dorian. Is everything okay?"

He shook his head madly. "No, no Scarlett. I made a mistake and now everything will go downhill..." he started to pace around the small room. "He is dangerous, he should be stopped!" The minister was acting like crazy and that worried Scarlett even more.

"Please sit down and relax then tell me what's going on. I can't help you if i don't understand."

He sighed and sat on the closest chair while Scarlett was sitting in front of him. "Amos, Amos Langley. He is bad, Scarlett. First he wanted to abolish your law about the death eaters, i sent him to you in hope that maybe you could change his mind but apparently you couldn't. Many former death eaters were released now, even he hired 2 of them as his assistants. And i guess he is reading my letters and following me."

Scarlett wasn't so surprised about Amos Langley but she wasn't expecting that much. "I didn't like him from the very start to be honest, when he came to meet me he acted very off and made me uncomfortable. But that's just too much. Why didn't you stop him about the law? You could gather a meeting with the councilmen, i don't think they would accept it so he wouldn’t be able to abolish it."

"I did Scarlett and they accepted it. Amos took everyone under his control, he is like using imperio on them. Maybe he really does..."

"I understand... I don't want to sound rude but where did you find him?”

"A friend of mine from French Ministry of Magic told me about him. He was from there but wanted to come to London and my friend said he is really good and i will enjoy working with him. Since you resigned so suddenly, i hired him as the deputy minister. I didn't have any other options..."

Scarlett raised her eyebrow. "Ah... Now i found why he looked familiar to me. The last time i was in Paris, he talked to me after the seminar. I was quite annoyed by him since he didn’t stop talking for some time."

Dorian’s eyes got wider with fear. "Are you saying he targeted us way before he came here?"

“Why would he do that tho?"

"A new death eater campaign?" The minister suggested.

"Hopefully not but the things you said doesn't sound good at all. What do you want me to do?"

"If you can talk to Dumbledore, it will be great. I don't want to do it myself because i think someone follows me like i said before. I don't feel safe even in my home Scarlett, i don't trust anyone but you."

<<< 

    Scarlett visited Dumbledore immediately after the meeting and told Dumbledore about the minister's worries and the situations in the ministry. Dumbledore was concerned but yet he wasn't sure if he should do something without having a certain evidence. But Scarlett was persistent about it so he decided to gather a meeting with the Order of the Phoenix members at Grimmauld place the very next evening since it's Sunday and everyone would be free.

    It was 9:30 o'clock and finally everyone has arrived at Grimmauld place. Nobody knew what's going on and they were all worried about the meeting which they've been called so suddenly without any information. Dumbledore clapped his hands to stop chattering then he cleared his throat before started to talk. "Welcome my friends. I know every one of you are wondering why we are here tonight. I will let Scarlett to explain it to you because she knows about it better than me."

The heads turned to Scarlett questioningly. She licked her lips to wet them before starting to speak. "First of all thank you for coming here tonight. I will directly dive into the topic, i don't wanna keep you waiting anymore. I had a secret meeting with the Minister yesterday because he has some concerns. He doesn't trust the new deputy minister even he suspects that the deputy has some kind of connections with Death Eaters. He abolished the law i have made about imprisoning the Death Eaters rest of their lives. And he didn't stop with that even he has hired some of them in the ministry. Also Dorian believes that Amos, the deputy minister, is stalking him or hired someone to do it for him. And i met Amos, he visited me couple of weeks ago, i don't trust him as well. Something is off with him. So briefly the Minister wants help before it is too late." Scarlett took a look at everyone’s faces, most of them had a shocked expression.

"So if i understood right, you gathered us here just because you and the Minister have bad feelings about the Amos guy." James Potter stated in an annoying tone.

Scarlett sighed, James and her were never in good terms and he would constantly start an argument with her. "I want to do something before Dorian gets hurt. Does it sound good to you that Amos abolished the law about Death Eaters and hired them as assistants?"

"You are just annoyed because he took your place and abolished the law you made."

"He is in my place because i did quit. I don't work for the ministry anymore so i have literally zero gain from this, James."

James rolled his eyes at her. "I think this is nonsense, there is no evidence that he is up to something."

"I saw the new deputy too and i must agree with Scarlett, he is weird. I think we can do some research about him at least." Said Minerva McGonagall and Dumbledore agreed with her.

"He took control over the Auror Department a week ago. I am the head of the department but i must tell him about the situation beforehand and he decides if we take an action or not. He stopped us about two attacks on muggleborns this week, saying they are not as important." Sirius looked at Scarlett.  "So i am in whatever you want to do about him."

They all discussed about it for a while. Some of them were agreeing with Scarlett but some wasn't sure like James because there were no real actions yet, beside abolishing the law. In the end they decided on getting some more information about Amos Langley.

"I will visit him tomorrow in his office and see how he is acting." Scarlett announced end of the discussion.

"You will draw his attention on yourself Scar, it is not necessary. We can do it secretly."

"You don't need to worry about me, Sirius. He visited me so i will pay him a visit back, it is not suspicious at all."

"Okay then you do that Scarlett and let us know in our next meeting which will be on next Sunday at the same hour. And the others if you can get some information, it will be appreciated. The meeting ends here tonight, thanks to everyone." Said Dumbledore smiling.

Everybody started to get up to leave as soon as possible the meeting ended, there was nothing certain about the situation, but it made them all nervous. They were hoping to have peaceful years in their 50s but apparently it wasn’t happening. Scarlett said goodnight to everybody avoiding both Sirius and Severus, then put her coat and hat on before heading towards the front door. Sirius was watching her and went after her when she was about to leave. They haven’t seen each other since the night Arabelle came and it was clear Scarlett was still upset with him.

"Won't you apparate? It is very cold."

"No. I will walk, my house is not far from here." She answered without looking at him.

"I will be your company then." Sirius reached out for his coat.

"I don't want you to be my company Sirius and don't make me say it twice. I cannot deal with you tonight." Scarlett talked coldly and shut the door on his face before he could do anything.

Sirius sighed and looked at the crowd in hope nobody saw what just happened but then he noticed that Severus was watching him from afar. He frowned at Severus and walked over him rather furiously. "If you do the thing on your mind, i will kill you and won't regret. Do not go after her, don’t even get close to her!"

Severus smirked at his over-angry statement and replied calmly. "The thing that is on my mind was killing you actually, i wonder how you will kill me when you are already dead."

Sirius gritted his teeth in annoyance. "Stay away from Scar, i will say that only once. I don’t mind hurting you, if you don’t comply. You know that very well, don’t you Snivellus?"

"Once is enough for me to understand things since i am not a dunderhead like you, Black. But I don’t take commends from you, you are nothing without your gang. Pathetic…" Then he apparated which caused Sirius to draw his wand into the now empty space.

Taglist:

@snapefiction @lizlil @elizabeth-baelish @misselsbells06 @mais-e @lunnybunny12 @anfre109 @entirelymesmerising @wolvesofwinter13 @mrssnivellussnape @mestin-writes

If you wanna be on my taglist, let me know!

[kirishwima]

Can I please request the RFA recognising MC as someone they had a crush in middle/high school?? and whom they haven't seen in years. Pretty please. Also V maybe if that's not too much to ask?

awe that’s such a cute idea! sorry it took me so long to get to writing it T-T

I won’t write V right now as I only have a limited amount of time, but I’ll add his story in a reblog soon! 

But since it’s difficult to write for Seven and Ray given their canonical story, I’ll skip them for now-if you’d like me to write an AU version for the two please let me know!

I’ll be using they/them pronouns for MC since you specified them as such!

YOOSUNG:

* We know he was quite the popular boy in high school, even getting love letters~ He wasn’t all that interested in anyone at the time though, too busy studying instead

* There was however one person who caught their eye; they sat right next to Yoosung, and whilst he never paid much mind to them before, he once overslept, ran to class late, and after getting a good scolding from the teacher, he realized as he rummaged through his backpack he forgot his textbooks.

* MC, seeing his frazzled expression and his desk devoid of books, simply slid their book closer to him, acting nonchalant all the while. They didn’t want the poor guy to get scolded by the teacher yet again after all.

* To Yoosung, at that very instant, MC looked like an angel that fell from the heavens, here to aid him in his moment of need...and they were cute to boot...it didn’t take long for him to start talking more often with them, his upbeat personality endearing and MC’s charm enough to make him develop his very first crush.

*It’s not like they were in the same friend group or anything, so they only saw each other during certain classes, but they chatted often enough, greeted each other in the hallway-and Yoosung couldn’t help the blush on his cheeks everytime MC smiled at him, shoving his friends playfully when they teased him over it.

* Even Rika asked him about it once, after he nonchalantly mentinoed MC, his  cheeks betraying his emotions as she took note of that-(I’d like to think it’s one of the reasons she later on chose MC to send to the RFA *eye emoji)

* But well, time passed, final exams came and the stress of it all overtook everyone, and before anyone knew, graduation came and went-he wanted to find MC during the graduation ceremony, tell them to keep in touch, but with the large number of people around that day it’d be a triumph to even spot MC in the crowd.

* So when years later, MC stumbled in the RFA chatroom, Yoosung didn’t immediately recognise them-only when they got to chatting, realised they both went to the same high school, and took the same classes, only then did Yoosung realise just who MC  really is-and boy was SHOOKETH. That MC? His first and only crush?! Is now a member of the RFA? And he gets to talk with them again?! Suffice to say, Yoosung would NOT let this chance go, not this time.

ZEN:

* Zen actually met MC in middle school, back when he still didn’t really realise just how pretty he is.

* Girls would constantly flock around him, even teachers would gush and tell him he’s so pretty-but that never made little Hyun feel good about himself. It felt suffocating, weird to hear such words then go home to hear the exact opposite. Just who was he supposed to believe?!

* Once whilst running away from a group of kids trying to touch his hair, he ran into a seemingly empty classroom and shut the door behind him, ducking down to avoid being seen through the classrooms’ windows. What he didn’t initially notice, however, was a piano, a relatively simple wooden one in the corner of the room, a little kid sitting there, their feet barely reaching the pedals beneath, staring wide-eyed at him.

* He motioned to the kid to stay silent as he shuffled towards them, hiding behind the piano as the flock of kids came by the class, one even opening the door to ask the kid sitting at the piano-MC, if they had seen a ‘pretty boy’ come by.

* MC side-eyed Zen, raising a brow as they turned to the kid standing by the door. “I didn’t see any pretty boy” they stated, “but if you’re looking for someone with white hair...they went that way” they said, pointing down the hall.

* Once the door was slammed shut and the sound of feet hitting the floor was but a distant echo, Zen got up from his hiding spot, coming to sit beside MC, breathing a sigh of relief.

* “Thank you” he sighed, “they kept trying to touch my hair” he elaborated. 

* MC looked to him with furrowed brows. “Why?” they asked. Even Zen was taken aback by the blunt question; everyone he met kept telling him how his hair was like snow, how soft it must be, some even trying to touch it right away. Yet this kid looked to him like it’s such a stupid thing, like there’s no point in trying to touch his hair-it was a breath of fresh air in his hectic world.

* He laughed-he couldn’t help it! “I don’t know!” It was the truth.

* That was the day he and MC became friends-they were in different classrooms, but he’d ocasionally come visit them during breaktime, and MC even taught him how to play the piano-he could proudly play the entirety of ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’ by the time the end of the year, and by the time they were about to graduate middle school, he’d already learnt quite a lot, even practicing on his own when MC wasn’t around.

* They promised one another they’d keep in touch, Zen admitting he didn’t have any plans of going to high shcool, how he wanted to become a musician, how his parents had started getting stricter and stricter-when he decided to finally run away, he knew he wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with MC, not in the way he wanted to at least.

* It took a while for him to realise he liked them-it was only on the day he ran away, sitting on a bus to nowhere and everywhere when he realised the only person he’d miss, the only one he regretted never saying goodbye to, was MC-and it hurt more than he’d care to admit, the realisation he’d never get the chance to see them again, to admit these feelings to them.

* Well time passed, and whilst MC still kept a dear place in his heart, the memory of them slowly started fading away, their features hazy in his mind.

* When MC stumbled upon the RFA chatroom and gave them their name, Zen hummed to himself, a small nostalgic smile on his lips. 

* “MC huh”, he typed, “now that’s a name I haven’t really heard in a while. Actually, my first crush was named MC!”

* Oh ho ho Zenny boy....when you find out that MC and this MC are one and the same.........

* He’ll die a blushing mess bc he’s a soft boy and can’t wait to hold MC close and express the feelings he’s carried in him for so long OKAY.

JAEHEE:

* She met MC before her parents passed away-when she was still a little child, her hair long and her smile wide, her eyes shining like the sun with glee.

* She and MC met on the first day of kindergrarden-MC had been running towards the school gates, tripped and scraped their knee, and Jaehee was there to witness it all.

* Unable to see someone in pain, Jaehee walked to MC, kneeled down beside them and used the end of her skirt to wipe the few droplets of blood from the wound. She then patted the wound, and gave a quick kiss to MC’s knee. 

* “That’s what you should do when someone gets hurt!” Jaehee said, her smile gentle, “now it’ll get all better!”

* MC was so awed by this magician-schoolmate, she couldn’t help but follow Jaehee around the entire day, asking her if she knew any other magic spells, even told every other kid about how ‘fairy Baehee’ stopped their knee from hurting!

* It was an adorable friendship-they’d refuse to leave each other’s side all throughout class, would only reluctantly seperate when their parents came to pick them up.

* They’d often even stay at each other’s home, having more than one sleepover where they tried to stay up as late as possible and failing.

* When other kids started to get interested in romance, Jaehee frowned. Why would she need anyone else than MC? She didn’t need a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ or whatever they were called.

* One day as she was getting ready for dinner, she looked to her mom and asked her if she knew how one can know if they want a girlfriend or boyfriend. Her mom laughed, Jaehee’s honest curiosity too cute for words, and picked her daughter up, sitting her on the kitchen counter so they could speak face to face.

* “Baby, to have a boyfriend or girlferiend, you have to be in love with them. I can’t tell you how to be sure you love someone, because it’s different for everyone. But with your dad” she started, humming in thought as she ran a hand through Jaehee’s long hair, “well, I knew if someone tried to tell me not to be with him, I’d hate that. And I know I want to be with him, no matter what.”

* Her mom tried explaining further, but Jaehee didn’t need any further elaboration-she immediatly knew who she loved.

* She let her moms words simmer for a while longer, but never got a chance to let MC know how she felt-her dad passed away shortly after she entered middle school, and she and her mom ended up having to move away, her confession hidden to the back of her mind as she dealt with all this new information and changes.

* She and MC tried to keep in touch even after she left, but being so young and not owning a phone or any social media, it was hard, to say the least. By the time the two were old enough to (responsibly) use the internet, memories of one another faded, and with Jaehee’s history, it was hard to even find the time to think of MC-though she would from time to time, as she lay awake in bed, wondering what happened to that kid she once loved.

* MC stumbling into the RFA was like fate’s way of giving Jaehee a second (or well, first) chance at love-and an apology for torturing her in the hands of Jumin Han and Elizabeth the 3d lmao

JUMIN:

* We know he went to a prestigious school, but down the street from his fancy private school was a regular high school, one where our dear MC studied at.

* If it were on his own terms, Jumin would never really pay a second glance to that school nor its students-not that he cared much for his own classmates either lol

* But well, one day his driver was running late, and he was stuck waiting for him at the front steps of the school, unable to take a step further-not in the crazy rain that fell vigorously down to the street, soaking any unsuspecting passerbys that had forgotten to bring an umbrella with them-Jumin being one of them, as was MC.

* “Shit! Ah, crap, no-” a litany of curses could be heard as a person ran towards his schools’ entrance, towards Jumin-he took a step to the side as a figure came to a halt besides him, taking shelter from the rain besides him.

* He raised an eyebrow at the person who stood beside them, their hands resting on their knees as they caught their breath after running, their cloathes soaked to the bone, their skin visible through their flimsy school shirt. The colours and the emblem on the coat they seemed to have tried and use as a make-shift umbrella showed Jumin it must be a student from the school down the street-not that he was interested or anything.

* But well, he was waiting for his driver and had time to kill since V had already left, so...

* “That’s quite the vulgar vocabulary for someone your age” he stated, surprising the person as they looked up to him.

* “Oh yeah?” they asked with a raised brow, “they don’t teach curse words in your fancy curriculum?” they teased, ready to cut the conversation with this pompous rich kid short if need be.

* Jumin was...surprised, to say the least. “Is there such a class in public schools? I’m afraid I never heard of it. I’ll ask my school if they offer it.”

* He didn’t expect the kid to stare at him wide-eyed before laughing, going as far as to wipe tears from their eyes with the way they laughed.

* “You-you’re serious?! Oh my god-I’m so sorry for messing with you dude.”

* Jumin’s refreshing innocence, his confused pout as he tilted his head this way and that, it was so different from the haughty rich-kid attitude MC was expecting, it was nearly endearing.

* The two got to talking, and something about MC’s wit, their snarkiness that was simply kindness in disguise intrigued Jumin-he couldn’t help but even smile at one of their jokes, the two bonding in the long time it took for his driver to get here.

* As a slick black limousine stopped right in front of his schools’ gates however, a chauffer coming out with an umbrella in hand to escort Jumin to the car, it was like a bucket of cold water washed over MC-of course, as cute as the dude might’ve been, he was still a rich koid, someone from a completely different world than theirs.

* For Jumin however, this brief encounter would mark him. He’d been unable to get MC’s face out of his mind for weeks thereafter, and everytime he dreamt of encountering them again he’d wake up with a furious blush on his cheeks, even daydreaming of them in class.

* But well time passes, and the feelings faded-although they never completely left, not with someone like Jumin, who’s been unable to feel that thumping in his heart ever since that day.

* MC coming into the RFA was like a silly rom-com film where the fated couple meets again decades later as changed people-and well, it kind of went exactly like one of those films would hahah

-send me a mystic messenger headcanon or prompt-

[ku-ro-kai]

Darling, you’re different

Woke up in the middle of night thinking about dabi as a plug yesterday, wrote a fanfic about it during my entire day at school

edit made by me : )

Your usual plug wasn’t responding,using excuses to go pick up his kids or his baby mother was giving him a hard time. This was the time to be looking for a new plug for sure but how the fuck are you supposed to find one in the first place,camie was your best friend who smoked weed and was a blonde bimbo, she invited you over to smoke with her and offer you a new plug

“You made it! Come smoke a dub with me right quick then we’re gonna go meet him okay” she pulled you into her car

Camie was holding your hand walking through apartment complexs "your sure you know where this guy is?" " of course, he's been my plug for 3 years, he hot too" she stopped at a door and knocked "ever fucked him?" the door opened to a Raven haired man littered in tattoos, piercings ranging to black to silver, gray sweatpants hanging from his waist and a black T-shirt."You brought me a new client" she wasn't lying about him being hot.

His place was pretty tidy for a drug dealer "you can call me dabi by the way, camie gave you my number yet?" his eyes were like pools, you didn't have the guys to look him in the eyes "no" you said in a soft tone, he reached his hand "lemme see your phone for a second baby" you handed it to him "remember my apartment number is 306,don't forget because I'm only telling you once" "yes sir" he looked at you handing you back your phone "you don't have to hit me with that formal shit babe" "sorry,right" he chuckled walking to a hallway "camie come to the back with me" camie grabbed her bag walking to the back but she peaked her head out "I'll be right out, wait in the car for me".

"How long is it gonna take her to get some weed!" after that you heard a knock to the window "what the fuck!" dabi waved with a shit eating smile "fuck you!" ,you saw camie unlock the doors as she she was limping over "scoot over" dabi picked you by your waist and got in the passenger seat "dabi,what the hell are you doing" " what does it look like, gotta go to work" "yeah I see that but not with me on top of you, we might get pulled over" he slapped your shoulders pulling you back on his chest" not if you sit up like that, just enjoy the car ride for a few" you tried to get out of his arms but he was way stronger than you thought "come on camie back me up!" she put the keys in the ignition "he job is right around the corner (name) , trust me you'll be fine" you just relaxed in his hold. "Why are you so warm"

You shuffled neck to side of his shoulder "hot box" he didn't really smell like weed, more like ashes and feminine perfume "you smell weird" he bit your earlobe "pretty rude for someone who couldn't even look me in the eyes" you felt embarrassed, you just stayed quiet the entire time.

"See you next time,Blondie and you again?" you tried to ignore him but you spit out "(name)" he pulled your ear "how about sugar tits since you have-" "hell no!" camie leaned forward waving "bye dabi!" he stuck his tongue out, he had three piercings going in a straight line"you like what you see" you smiled rolling up your window "no".

"Hey you ever get the weed?" camie turned to you "of course but I didn't come for just the weed" she winked at you, you connected the dots in your head "you pay him with sex!?" "hear me out, free weed, good dick, hot boy blows my back out what's not to like?" you just rolled your eyes at her"let's just spark up before you go home"

-Next day-

Camie was too busy hungover from all the alcohol she decided to drink when she got home so you just did this on your own, can't be that hard can it?

____

You : hey

Dabi: what is it sugar tits

You : how much for a gram and stop calling me that

Dabi: A 20 and no ;)

You: fine,I'll be over

____

You knocked on the door twice, before you could pull out your money he dragged you inside "the hell?" catching yourself from stumbling over the mat "I was in the middle of rolling up" he was naked and wet, you could see his tattoos covered in certain areas,his stomach,his v-line,even his legs, only thing covering him was a black towel "put some clothes on first" "last time I checked it's my house so walking around naked shouldn't be your little concern babe" you were always annoyed by this asshole, how can camie do it. You looked in your bag twice, still couldn't see it, dumped out all belongings, nowhere to be found "where's the money?" dabi spoke walking in with some jeans on but still shirtless also he was holding a plastic wrap bag of weed, you let out a soft breath of air "I lost my wallet" he just stared at with bored eyes before busting out laughing "your being dead serious aren't you!" he rubbed his hand through his hair "look I'm sorry for wasting your time dabi, can I just pay you back next time " he shook his head throwing you the bag of weed "this is on the house except for one favor" "I'm not fucking you" the expression painted on your face let you knew exactly what he wanted "damn your good at reading people or what" "camie told me she pays you with sex so she can get free weed, don't lie either she was limping when she walked out your apartment" he smiled leaning against the wall next to the hallway "how do you expect to get it free then? Paying for it tomorrow isn't gonna cover how much I put in the bag for you sugar tits" she he was right this was way more than a gram" so what's it gonna be, you leaving empty handed or limping with weed in hand".

You heard a lighter flash on and off "you on a pill or something because I don't like pulling out" he was sitting on the couch smoking the blunt he just rolled a couple minutes ago "yeah,I have some at my house" he started unzipping his pants "come here" you walked off undressing yourself but keeping your shirt on "it's you hiding your tits for me" he pats his thigh signalling you to sit on his lap. "Open" "what?" "your mouth sugar tits" you slowly opened your mouth, he took two fingers shoving them down your throat "your not wet enough for me"he finally took his fingers out of your mouth "why do you say that.." "I'm to big and definitely haven't been stretched out, piercings might rip a new hole in you" piercings? He reached down taking off your panties in one tug,he turned you facing his wall with you against his back "what your last dude's dick size" that is really personal "A 6 I think" he opened your folds looking at some slickness beginning to gather "did he make you cum?" "no" he showed you a bright grin, placing a thumb on your clit, rubbing circles into it "a clit piercing would look good on you" he left a kiss on your cheek. "Your ready" dabi turned you back around facing him,"hold this for me baby" he pushed his blunt between your lips, he pulled his pants down by his ankles, there was ball piercings going down his length.

You held on to his shoulder for comfort, your walls weren't used to this feeling however dabi wasn't moving, too busy taking small puffs from his blunt with his head leaned back into the sofa "your a great cockwarmer sugar tits" he lifted his head back up "ever shotgun?" "No?" he grabbed you by your shirt pulling you into a kiss, you inhaled the smoke up your nostrils "your a good kisser" dabi gripped your ass, the friction of the piercings against your walls had you clenching down every thrust, dabi had no true goal besides aiming for that special spot, this position at any rate wasn't gonna him nowhere close though.In the meantime you were leaving small moans here and there, you didn't wanna give dabi that satisfaction of making you cum so easily, suddenly dabi got up off the couch immediately turning toward the couch, you could feel his cock poking your ass,eventually he pulled both your arms,sinking back into your velvet walls.

Dabi forced your face into the plushy part of the leather couch,although you promised yourself to contain your moans, dabi was ruthlessly rutting himself into you,he was progressively becoming more rough with his thrusts, your eyesight became dark blurs,you knew were close to cumming.

There was a sharp pain on your shoulder, you looked over to find dabi biting down on you, you felt his thumb rub against your clit,afterward that was the last push to send you overboard. Dabi came after you

You lazily slouched down,coming from your high, dabi left hickies on your neck to your shoulders before calling out "Wanna spark up before round 2"

Thank you for reading :) - I don't know what came over me for writing this to be honest . Though him progressively becoming an asshole was my main goal at some point. Follow me for more❤️

[pionoplayer]

I keep having this really dumb idea in my head of like... overly long undertale style genocide run? But in a setting specifically constructed in such a way to keep the serial escalation of it going without derailing/diluting the thematics. I dunno if it's a particularly good idea but since one of Everhood's songs put another fight concept into my head for it I decided I might as well post the original idea that came with it here to tumblr.

Steps echo down a ruined corridor, worn down by calamity and time both. At the far end, a figure slouches against a pillar, notices the newcomer, and stands up straighter to face them.

"Hey there. Didn't expect someone to make it this far.

Let alone for that someone to be you, of all people.

Guess this is the part where I give my little speech, yeah? That's usually how these things go.

There's a line I've heard said, quite a few times in fact. It goes something like…

'Do you believe that even the worst person, no matter how horrible, can change if they just try?'

I've always considered it a tacky line but in the end, I believe it. The answer was 'yes' for me after all…

But here's the thing, buddy.

After a certain point, the question stops being "can this person change" and starts being "how many people will they hurt if we give them that chance again".

Because a person can change, no matter how horrible… but only if they decide to.

And you've been given more chances than anyone could possibly earn at this point.

Some people would draw a line in the sand and dare you to cross it.

Not me. You've already crossed every line that mattered.

Some people would give you one last chance to drop your weapon and surrender.

But you already killed them all while their guards were down.

And some people are like you. Ruthless, cold, downright psychotic.

I'd say it turns out they were right but uh, you didn't really leave any of them lying around either did you?

So I'm gonna ask this question one, final time. Just for nostalgia's sake. Back when there were beautiful days outside, when there were flowers left to bloom and birds left to sing.

Are you ready to have a bad time?

Because you don't get a choice anymore, as far as you've come down your path the only thing left waiting for you is the worst time of your life.

NOW STAND STILL AND DIE LIKE THE CREATURE YOU ARE."

The newcomer - no, the challenger - steps forwards instead, sending an attack towards the figure at the end of the hall. The strike is rendered harmless.

"Yeah, I figured that would be your response. Let's get started then, shall we?"

The defender begins his own assault, attempting a pace to keep the challenger from launching their retort.

"You know, it's kinda funny. Looking at you, you don't look like the kind of person that would be responsible for everything happening."

A gap in the onslaught, another quick and precise strike, followed by the defender resuming his barrage.

"Hey now, that's not a jab at your height. I don't waste jokes on an audience like you. Just a statement of fact, ya know?"

Another opportunity, another missed shot.

"If it weren't for all the bloodstains and equipment stolen from the corpses of people better than you, I'd think you were just some poor sod looking for their way back home."

A gap, a strike. The pattern is established.

"Wherever your home was, it's probably not there anymore. A lot of homes aren't there anymore, thanks to you.

Doesn't that bother you? That wherever you started you can't go back? That everyone you might have ever cared about in whatever times and places you could've been…

Are just gone? Vanished? Obliterated so thoroughly that even we can't bring them back?

Look, kid. I don't know what your deal is. I know you by reputation alone, and even if my job is dealing with 'problems', I was really hoping I wouldn't wind up here. With you.

But every single one of them, even the psychopaths bent on breaking everything over their knee…

They still had something they wanted to see through. Something they wanted to protect, even if it was just their own sorry hides.

I look in your eyes, in your past, I see nothing. Oh, I see a house, and parents, maybe friends. But I don't see anything real. Real to you. It's like you've erased it, severed all your own ties on a conceptual level.

It's almost like you're just as gone as everything you've taken away."

Something changes. The strike lands a little closer, shaving off something small, insignificant. The constant barrage of destruction falters.

"...That fast huh? Go on, do it again. I dare you, kid."

Another strike. Another impossibly near miss.

"I didn't think you'd actually be dumb enough to do it. Guess my little ramble actually paid off yeah? Now I know exactly what you are. Approximately."

Another strike. This time the sound of it hitting the far wall seems to shake the very foundation of the world itself. And then the room fills with death.

"Let's see how you deal with phase two, buster."

The pattern resumes, just with more noise and violence.

"You know, I really don't know why I'm still talking to you. A friend of mine would tell me to stop wasting my energy…

But, you know, it calms my nerves. Pretending I'm talking to a real person.

Now, I'm sure you know the whole catastrophe, inside and out. You were right at the heart of it after all.

To get things straight though? You got lucky. We were busy, other problems were cropping up, and it didn't look like you were the threat you are until suddenly everything was collapsing.

And with what you are… do you think maybe in another branch of causality we could've maybe been coworkers? Maybe friends?

You've got the moxie to be one of us, I'll tell you what. A bit lacking on the 'morals' side of things though.

Guess it doesn't matter anymore. Even if I, if we, stop you dead in your tracks, in a way you've already won.

Can't go back from where we are now after all…

Speaking of 'not being able to go back', I'm getting a little bit tired of this endless back and forth. What do you say I… speed things up a little?"

Abruptly the pace picks up, what was already an assault leaving so little untargeted space it was frankly unreasonable that the challenger had gotten this far - and gotten this far unscathed no less - becomes an unrivaled, personally targeted cataclysm.

"...You know, even knowing what your deal is... watching you brush off one of my best tricks like it's a laser pointer is infuriating."

The challenger lashes out, a set of frantic, angry strikes that are abruptly cut short by a resumption of hostilities from the defender.

"So you know what? I'll take a turn at your game. Go ahead, hit me with your best shot before I can charge up something better. Let's see how this goes for you."

The hall is silent for the briefest of moments, before the challenger lets loose the first noise they've made throughout the entire confrontation; an infernal, blood-curdling shriek. Power ripples through the hallway, searing away pieces of it in a barrage of strikes meant to bring gods to their knees.

Everything freezes. The challenger, the collapsing hall, everything but the defender.

"Wow, you're really ready to have this be over with, aren't you? I'm sure you almost got me, try harder next time and I'm sure you'll get to see what comes after."

There's a crunch and a soft cry of pain. The challenger is forced to their knees.

"I've got a little piece of advice for you though, assuming you haven't gotten it from me already."

Another crunch, a steady pace of dripping liquid can be heard.

"Your little 'quest' doesn't end with me. I'm just the wake-up call. If you get past me somehow, things are gonna get a whole lot worse for you than you realize. You might wanna turn back now before things actually get ugly."

There's no sound besides the slow drip of blood to the floor of the ruined hall. Or something approximating blood at least.

"Now get lost."

GAME OVER

...You aren't getting rid of me that easily.

>RETRY

[themadauthorshatter]

WELCOME BACK ONE AND ALL!

Welcome back to MY take on Toppat!Charles, the series that gives you... angst and cliffhangers in every chapter, just like Game of Thrones😅.

In case you haven't read them yet here are links to the first three parts, which I recommend you read because the brief recaps don't do them justice.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

BRIEF RECAP AND HEADCANON TO FOLLOW FOR THE POST TIME!

After his attack on Burt, Charles has caved and is now open to what Right has to say and vice versa. Henry and Gerneral Galeforce, more Galeforce, have been contacted by the Center for Chaos Containment and offered their men for one Henry Stickmin. Ellie has been good emotional support, but Henry goes against Galeforce and Ellie in order to save his friend.

Got that? Great!👍

So what's the headcanon this week? Well, @triple-threat-toppats and @azuri-the-imperfect-artist have AU's/headcanons that Toppat-ing is in Henry's blood, whether that be biological or otherwise, and we'll be meeting a new character this chapter who ties this all together perfectly😈.

We all good? FANTASTIC!

LET'S DIVE IN!!

We pick up where we left off with Henry outside as a receptionist, of sorts, freaks out that he called, telling everyone on the floor and shouting for an official to take the call.

Through this entire exchange, Henry rolls his eyes at how much of a fan boy the receptionist is, groans that no one can find an official at two' in the moring, and eventually takes a seat and listens as a few mid-ranking officials argue about who gets to talk to him; 10.6 anomaly, he's a pretty big deal to them.

They all fall silent when a man shouts, "Hand 'im over to me."

Henry should be scared, but he's glad that FINALLY someone is on the other end to talk to.

"Mr. Stickmin," says the official. "Nice of you to call."

"Who am I speaking with right now?" Henry asks as he stands up, not at all interested in playing games. (The irony that hit me after I typed that🤦‍♀️😂😂)

The official scoffs, "Not one for banter. I respect that. Son, name's Corporal Bill Bullet, leading official of the Center for Chaos Containment. How can we help you at this hour?"

Henry paces as he continues talking. "You talked to General Rupert Galeforce, right?"

"We did, actually. About you, but you probably already guessed that."

Henry looks back at the toppat orbital station, staring at it as he stays silent. Again, he is not in the mood for games.

Bullet sighs on the other end of the phone. "Guess you calling means you've made you're choice?"

Henry is quiet for a second and swallows a lump in his throat. "What happens if I agree to the terms?"

"Take a guess, kid."

Henry sees flashes of his life if he is in the CCC's custody and groans at the migraine said flashes give him.

"You're quite the interesting person, Henry. Robbing a bank with a bag, breaking out of prison by dogding and throwing bullets before stealinga police car, stealing a diamond by pushing yourself off a bridge, taking down the toppats, and escaping a maximum security complex with barely even a scratch."

Henry bites his tongue as he remembers those moments and their alternative paths INCLUDING the fails.

"But you didn't just get a few scratches, you did? 10.6 is a pretty high rating on our meter. Can't imagine what would happen to a person who causes as much chaos as you."

Henry shakes his head and snaps, "Just tell me!"

Bullet is silent once more, disappointed at how he can't at least tease what is essentially a rabbit walking right into an easily seen trap.

"We'll study the source of your... ability. How one person can live one life before jumping to the next, but existing like he did before that life ended.

"You may be a young man, Henry, but you've probably lived longer and died more than the rest of us put together. Why is that? How, excatly?"

Despite the knot forming in his stomach, Henry nods and hums to let Bullet know he's listening.

"There's also a certain balance to the world, one that shouldn't be bothered, 'less we want to cause A LOT of collateral damage. Lead to a lot of people getting hurt, cause a lot of casualties. You already lost one person you care about. What if you lost all of them?"

Henry gulps as he remembers the complex riot and how a robot was sent to tear down the museum he stole the Tunisian Diamond from.

Any of those people could've easily been Ellie or the General or, if he'd gone down the Toppat route, the entire clan.

Bullet may be manipulating emotionally, but he kind of has a point.

The chaos Henry causes is extremely dangerous, if what we've seen in StD, ItA, FtC, and CtM are any examples. Imagine if he had caused that sort of chaos in a major city, like real world New York or Detroit.

I don't know about you guys, but if something like any of the games happened IRL, all caused by Henry, there would easily be cities flattened to the ground with COUNTLESS fatalities.

"Helloooo? You still with me, Mr. Stickmin?"

Henry snaps out of his stupor and takes a deep breath before talking again. "Promise me you'll help. I want your honest word."

"Which I'll stay good on as long ad you keep your end of the bargain," Bullet retorts. "A quarter of our forces at your disposal to help you get your friend back as long as you turn yourself in to our facility. Deal?"

Henry is silent again, but when he speaks again, he tries something:

"Will I still talk to anyone outside? Send them any letters?"

"Not really. Think the government would handle our research well? Or what you can do?

"Last chance, deal or no deal?"

Henry stares up at the sky, counting the stars and moon, and then watches orbital station drift across the sky, covering part of the moon.

"Sir, we have a situation!" Someone yells on the other end.

Bullet does one if those angry growls or snarls. "Don't keep me waiting on your answer, Henry. Our resources are limited, too. Make your decision and call me back the second you do."

"Sir-"

"I'M COMING!"

The call ends and Henry lets out a sigh as he drops to his knees and then hugging them to his chest, shaking and now doubting whether or not he's making the right choice.

Unbeknownst to him, however, Ellie had followed him when he walked out and is struggling very badly with hiding her tears and sobbing from Henry, who is over a few feet away.

JUMP TO SOME FAN SERVICE!!😍🤩

Er, Charles. Jump to Charles. I SAID CHARLES!!!!!

Charles is mostly done showering, mostly because he's done washing and cleaning himself up, even shaving because he looks better without facial hair, and is now simply standing in the shower and letting the water fall on him.

He can't exactly remember how long it's been since he showered last, but he doesn't bother trying to because it only makes him think about how the government destroyers were blown up and anyone who managed to get on the station was killed as a message to the government and Henry and Ellie, and as an example for Charles, in case he gets any ideas.

He keeps thinking about how Henry looked at him before he went unconscious, how Henry did nothing to help him even though HE could've done something. He had before on missions, so what had stopped him then and there?

"I was wondering the same thing," Right says, though Charles doesn't hear him over the water running.

Charles gasps as he slips to the ground and realizes how he's thinking about his friend, forgetting Right was standing on the other side of the wall and curtain to keep an eye on him, just in case.

"N-no," Charles says to who he thinks is himself. "He... He wouldn't just leave me. None of them would."

Right rolls his eyes at this and steps closer to where he's in front of the curtain, though he does grab a towel. "You know, you talk to yourself a lot. 'S kind of freaky."

Charles curls into himself and into the corner of the shower and covers his ears. "Shut up! Just shut up and leave me alone!"

"How long have you been here?" Right asks as he looks up at the ceiling. "And why isn't Henry here to get you out? Aren't you two supposed to be friends?"

"Stop it!" Charles cries, curling into himself further.

Right smirks and decides to twirs the knife. "He helped that Ellie girl, didn't he? When she needed his help? I wonder if what they say is true? Birds of a feather flock together? They're both criminals, so I wouldn't really blame them for teaming up."

"SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH!" Charles screams. "YOU'RE WRONG! ALL OF YOU ARE WRONG! HE'S COMING TO SAVE ME, THEY ALL ARE!"

Right's smirk drops and he raises and eyebrow before drawing back the curtain.

Charles flinches back, covering his head and waiting for the strike.

But it never comes.

He looks up at Right, who's standing and giving him a look that says very clearly, 'I'm getting sick of your shit, stop.'

The two stare at each other for a bit, Charles wide eyed and scared before glaring as hard as he can.

Right keeps his bored expression because while he's probably in the best shape he's been in in a WHILE, Charles has lost at least twenty-five pounds and is cowering in the corner of a shower with long hair and clean shaven face; one lesson they teach you: you don't always need a mirror to shave your face.

The two continue their staring contest until Right slings the towel over his shoulder, takes off his top hat, and reaches into the shower with his cybernetic hand and turns off the water, flicking any off his fingers before stepping back and putting his top hat back on, Charles staring the whole time in case Right attacks him.

Right doesn't, of course, and tosses Charles the towel before pointing to a set of clothes hanging behind him and , just something neat but comfortable, not exactly a sweater and sweat pants, but close enough.

He then walks away until he's facing the door, his back to Charles.

"Hurry up and get dressed. Your room's ready."

Charles dries off and does get dressed, but he's careful to not take his eyes off Right.

First this guy got Charles captured and isolated him from everyone else, and now he's letting Charles shower and have his own room?

What's he up to?

Don't worry, he doesn't talk to himself this time.

Charles finishes putting on the clothes Right gave him, and looks at the towel he'd just hung on the hanger that held his clothes. Then he looks at Right, who's back is still turned.

You know EXACTLY where this is going.

Charles takes down the towel, careful that it doesn't hit the wall, and starts twisting it up as he sneaks up to Right, who either looks down at a wrist watch or checks a pocket watch because now he's getting a little bored.

Just as Charles is about to get the jump on him, Right pivots to face him.

"Good. You're done. It took you long enough."

Charles is absolutely speechless as he goes completely pale his face drops.

"Here, let me take that for you." Right pulls the towel out of Charles's hands and unwinds it. "Shouldn't do this to a wet towel. Could get moldy."

Right nods his head as a 'follow me' and leaves the showers.

Charles remains shell shocked for a minute and tries not to burst into tears at how his plan blew up his his face, but ultimately walks after Right, who strides ahead with a smile on his face.

Think Henry got away with that call? Weeeeeeeelll...

CUT TO THE GOVERNMENT

Galeforce SLAMS his hands on his desk, making Henry jump slightly in his chair and Ellie flinch against the wall, her arms crossed and shoulders hunched.

"HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!? ACCEPTING THE DEAL MADE BY THOSE NUTJOBS!? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?"

Henry's sign is sloppy and fast, but the general still understands it. 'Wanted Charles safe.'

"So do we, Henry, but not by selling one of our best!"

Henry shakes his head and signs again, this time more clearly. 'You can't make me change my mind.'

Ellie speaks up after being silent for so long: "Henry, think about what you're doing."

'Already did. Made up my mind.'

"Son, it's not worth it."

Those words hit Henry harder than they should, making him grit his teeth.

"Trust me. Those CCC guys are nothing but trouble. We can't accept their help."

Henry shoots up to his feet. "I DON'T CARE!" He screams. "CHARLES IS TRAPPED IN SPACE WITH NO ONE TO HELP HIM AND IT'S MY FAULT HE'S UP THERE TO BEGIN WITH, SO LET ME FIX THIS!"

No one talks as Henry pants, falling back into his chair and holdong his head in his hands, pulling slightly at his hair and shaking.

"It's all I can think of doing. It's our only option. I can't think of anything else."

Ellie and Galeforce exchange glances before turning back to Henry, who leans heavily on one hand or arm as he meets their gaze.

"You're sure you know what you're doing?"

Henry looks at them both for a moment while not speaking before nodding slowly. 'I can't think of anything else. The corporal hung up before I could say yes. Someone talked about a 'situation.''

Ellie and Henry stare at each other, the former more puffy eyed than she was last night because this could very well be the last time she sees her friend.

She doesn't want him to leave, but if it's really his choice, who is she to not support him after all he did to help her?

"When do you-"

'I'm going in to visit later. Called back and told them I'd gove my answer AFTER I talked to someone.'

Both look at him incredulously.

"Talk to who?" Galeforce asks as he turns his head to look at Henry through the corner of his eye.

Henry takes in a deep breath through his nose and holds either of his hands at the top of his head, raising them up and down, gesturing a top hat to them.

BACK TO CHARLES

Right leads Charles to the room and watches him walk inside and look around, almost confused because it's been so so long since he'd last been in a normal bedroom. And because there's a chance this could all be a trick.

"Been a while since you had a decent room. Prob'ly nicer than what you're used to."

Charles takes a seat on the bed and keeps his head down, confused and tired of Right's games.

"You don't really believe Henry's gonna save you, do you? It's been a while since the last destroyer was sent and the government has more pilots. You military people are pretty easy to replace. You are just a pilot, after all."

Charles keeps his head down and lets his hair hang; it's obviously grown longer and Right gave him a razor but no scissors.

"Why are you doing this?" Charles asks. "What do you want from me?"

Right fights a smile and approaches Charles, taking a knee infront of him and waiting for the pilot to acknowledge him, which Charles does by picking up his head and meeting his eyes.

BACK TO THE CCC HEADQUARTERS!!!!!

Henry is being led by four guards and Bill Bullet. He hasn't gotten a lot of sleep, but he's good at not showing it.

"Weird request to visit someone before you make your decision. Usually we don't allow visitors." Bullet turns and sees Henry keeping up behind him, zoning out slightly but snapping out of it when he sees him looking. "You're not as talkative as you were on the phone the other night."

'Only way to contact you,' Henry signs.

Bullet smirks a little bit. "You deaf in one of your ears?"

'If I need to, I'll talk. Otherwise, I'll sign. Now where is he?'

Bullet sighs stops at an acrylic wall, seeing a doctor talking to a man.

Henry bristles slightly before calming himself back down.

"Guessing you two haven't talked in a while. I love reunions."

Henry narrows his eyes at Bill and gestures to the room. 'Private?'

"Enough. Don't worry, we won't listen in." Bill then grabs Henry by his jacket lapel and shoves him against the wall, catching the attention of doctor and occupant. "But I'm warning you right now," Bill growls as he leans close to Henry's face. "Try anything funny while you're in there, and I'll make you regret ever being born."

Henry nods and Bullet backs off him, letting him collect himself as the doctor walks out.

"Sir? He's done with his tests. His vitals and mental state are stable. He's also ready to see his visitor."

Bullet sweeps a gesture to the door. "He's all yours, Mr. Stickmin."

Henry nods and enters the room, his eyes on its occupant.

The two stare at each other for a bit, taking in each other's features.

"Hello, Henry."

The man in this room used to be moderately fit, and a REAL charmer, but years spent in the CCC's facility have taken their toll. He's gotten skinnier, his face is wrinkled and sunken in, and his hair, while it's slightly longer than Henry's, is greying and becoming thin. He doesn't look terrible by any means, but he has definitely seen better days.

He has cybernetics for both his arms and one leg, along his spine, neck to tailbone, and in part of his jaw. Where his left eye used to be, the eyelids are closed and flat; he's not even allowed to have a glass eye.

Being overthrown by Reginald Copperbottom, both literally and figuratively, forever left him with a permanent reminder.

The two stare at each other for a little while longer before Henry replies to the notorious worst leader in the toppat clan's history.

"Hi, Dad."

The two continue staring, Henry shuffling in place and Terrence rubbing his neck.

Henry signs, 'How is it here?'

"A hell hole. Nothing to do, no one to talk to, and you only get something when they say you can. Other than that, it's peachy."

Terrence's eye darts to the guards and Bill before moving back to Henry. "Guess what they said was true. You're actually coming here so you can save your friend."

"Yeah," Henry replies after a second.

I know I'm putting in a lot of pauses, but these two don't even send letters to each other, so sharing a room and having a conversation for them is awkward and extremely uncomfortable.

Back on track, Terrence scoffs at Henry's line of thinking, commenting, "And I thought these doctors were crazy. Let me guess: Reggie decided to take something from you because you took something from him? He always was a child."

'Reginald's been in prison since I arrested him.'

"You arrested him?" Terrence repeats as he stands. "The leader of the toppat clan, the most infamous group of bandits and thieves, and you just turned him in to the government? Why didn't you join him, you would've been perfectly fine!"

'Right hand man has my friend, I need to get him back. That's why I'm here.'

Terrence puts his hands on his face and groans. "No. Do not tell me I'm hearing this." He meets eyes with Henry, who nods with a shrug.

"You broke out of prison with a bar from your own cell, stole a diamond on a scooter, and escaped a maximum security prison, but you arrested the leader of the toppat clan, the son of a bitch of did this to me-" Terrence holds his arms out to gesture to his cybernetic body. "- and gave him to the government, but didn't see his lap dog wanting to settle the score or even the odds with you!?"

'A lot goes through my head on missions, okay!?'

Terrence nods, humming cheekily. "I'll bet. Think it would've gone better if you'd used that gun you had? We both know he wasn't going to do anything."

Henry sees himself charging at Right rather than throwing away his gun, but signs back, 'You don't know what he would've done. You haven't seen him.'

Terrence points to a tv in the corner of the room, one right next to the camera. "Saw how he got an upgrade. You can groom and pamper a dog all you want, its bark will still be worse than it's bite."

Henry spots Bill talking to the guards before waving at him and tapping on his wrist, more specifically on a watch. 'Don't take long.'

"Saw their orbital station, too. Like hell you're getting your friend out of space. And like hell sunglasses over there is gonna let you out of his sight if you're serious about that deal."

Henry looks Terrence directly in the eye and nods. 'I know.'

Terrence's face drops as Henry continues.

'During the mission, I hesitated because I was scared he'd kill Charles, my friend. I helped the government by giving them plans, but nothing worked. This is my last option. You are my last option. You weren't around then to tell me what to do, but I need you now because for once I have everything I could ever want, and I'm about to lose it all for being a coward. I know you're not going to like it, or even care, but I just need you to be here when they bring me in. Just be there and tell me I did enough for once, when you're really around. That's all I need right now.'

It's this that makes Terrence drop the "tough loving father" act and makes him realize that this is for real. This is not his son saying, "I made a mistake, fix it for me." This is his son telling him that this is his plan and he needs support to know he's doing the right thing.

Henry is extremely shaky because this is something he does not do with his father. They aren't usually open with each other, as in they do get emotional; toxic masculinity at its finest... and daddy issues.

Regardless, Henry collects himself before signing again.

'I'm going to agree to the terms. If they can send a piece of the ground to space or erase the universe, then they can help me. It's all I can think of doing that'll work.'

Terrence is quiet for a moment, looking at Bill and the guards as they gossip about something before turning back to Henry.

"Are you absolutely sure about this?"

Hebry nods. 'It's all that I can think of that's going to work. Again, if they can send a chunk of land of space or erase the universe, then they can help me.'

Terrence steps back and shakes his head.

"You're going to die here. You know that, right? I'm telling you now it's not worth it."

Henry's face drops.

"Look, I get it. You never were good at keeping friends, but, Henry, I'm telling you, just let this guy go. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life locked in a cage?"

Henry shakes his head as he signs. 'No, but I'm not going to abandon my friend like you abandoned us.'

"I had a clan to run, Henry!" Terrence snaps. "I wanted you to stay, have an easy life, but no. You two just ran off on me!"

'Just because something's easy doesn't always make it right,' Henry signs. He begins signing something else, but stops before continuing. 'Look. I'm accepting the terms. I wanted to tell you now ao you're not disappointed later.'

Henry holds up a hand in farewell and turns to leave, ready to get back to the base and start forming a new plan.

"Henry?"

He turns to see Terrence staring once again, but also sees his throat bobbing, like he's coughing or about to be sick.

"Good... Good luck. Getting your friend back."

Henry's eyes widen and he shakily nods. 'Thanks.'

The two stare at each other like before, but this time they slowly advance towards one another, maneuver their arms until they're in an admittedly awkward, uncomfortable, but welcome embrace; again, emotion is not their strong suit.

"You're going to regret it. Turning yourself in. Life's for living, and you're throwing it away."

Henry pulls back and waves 'goodbye' once more and leaves the room.

"Took you long enough," Bill says as Henry rejoins him. "Have a nice visit?"

Henry narrows his eyes.

"Well, you got your visit. Hope you know how to get into that station."

Henry takes one last look at his father before nodding.

'The terms-'

"Same as advertised," Bill interrupts. "A quarter of our forces as long as you come quietly so we study your ability."

'AFTER my friend is rescued and safe.'

Bill waves him off. "Fine, yes. After your friend's back home and safe." He holds his hand out infront of him and Henry. "What do you say, Henry? Do we have a deal?"

Behind the acrylic, Terrence watches the two of them, his hands against the wall and his eyes on his son.

Henry keeps his eyes on Bill's hand before looking into his eyes. With a mental push, he claps his hand into the corporal's and shakes it, nodding.

"Deal."

Terrence bumps and shakes his head against the wall. "You idiot," he murmurs. "What are you doing?"

AND THAT'S A WRAP ON PART 4!!!!! Oh my goodness, did I enjoy writing this one! A lot of twists and turns and opportunities to just leave you all hanging, I'm not even joking. I haven't really written manipulation or character dynamics like Henry's and Terrence's before, and I think I did pretty well.

Again, check out @multiverse-madness and @azuri-the-imperfect-artist for their Terrence Suave AUs because they are both amazing artists and, honestly, do better with the character than me.😅

For real, all of you, thank you, thank you, thank you, so much for your patience with this one. Like I said in my update post, I have a lot going on in my personal life and just couldn't get in a good creative mindset to do this.

I know we didn't see a lot of Charles this time around, but that's gonna change in Part 5😈

ANYWAY, thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed, and HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!!

[icewindandboringhorror]

Another set of responding to asks lol.. As usual I have them numbered and will also write out the ask in the text, especially since the screencaps are all blurry and taken at various times/compiled together badly and probably hard to read ghghhggh..... answers under the read more ~ 

-------------------------

1. "Hi I don't mean to bother you at all, but I was wondering where you get your rocking horse shoes? (I think thats what they're called) I've been looking everywhere and I can't seem to find any :(( "

I don’t entirely remember, since I got them like 6 or 7 years ago.. I think maybe at some point that place ‘bodyline’ or something had some cheap ones? But I don’t see them on the site anymore, they were like $50 or $60. Now when I google it I can only find these insane like $600 ones from vivian westwood or whoever, or ones that are platform shoes but not necessarily the same type. Maybe you could find some on aliexpress or ebay or something? Usually you have to use weirdly specific search terms and look for a while, but you can often find stuff like that on those sites. Sorry I couldn’t be of more help!!! 

2. "I've been sick for over a month and my doctor tested me - everything came back fine. After some discussion it appears that my ptsd symptoms came back and the stress on my body is making me fatigued, sick and dizzy. I don't want to say that this could be similar to you situation, but if you have a therapist or someone to talk to about any stresses/your sickness, it might help relieve the pressure a bit. Good luck, I'm so sorry you feel so unwell"

Thank you for sharing! Yeah, I think stress definitely plays a part in why I feel sick so often. Currently I’m not still having the same problem I was having a few months ago when you sent this, so that’s good at least!! 

3. “Hi! Do you plan to ever have more sculptures for sale? Or would you do commissions? I haven't seen any in a while but wanted to buy one! :-O”

I have plenty that I want to sell, I guess it’s just hard for me to get set up. Since so much of the reason I procrastinate selling stuff is because I hate the stress of deciding on a price, I’ve thought for a while now that maybe I can just auction them (so I just set a base price, but people bid whatever they feel is fair and I don’t have to decide myself). But I’m just not sure of a good way to do that.. Ebay has auctions, but I don’t want random strangers buying them, I’d rather stick to just the pool of people who follow my art blog and are already familiar with my sculptures or etc. I could do them on here ?? (like, ‘reply to this post to bid, bids close 8am EST, whoever said the highest number sends the money through paypal and then I send the sculpture’ sort of thing???)   But I’m not sure if it’s legal to sell stuff through tumblr, or if there could be any other problems with doing it so ‘unofficially’ like that.. I don’t know, I have a vague idea, I’m just having trouble deciding the best way to set up something! I do want to sell some soon though, if I live through the pandemic and anything ever goes back to normal, of course (I wouldn’t want to be having to leave the house to ship stuff in the mail right now). 

As for commissions, I have actually done sculpture commissions for friends a few times, so I feel confident-ish that I’d be able to do something like that, but I also wouldn’t want to get overwhelmed since it takes a lot of work. Custom sculptures may also be more expensive, and again.. I always feel guilty and strange about pricing. I’ve thought about doing very limited sculpture commissions though (like, maybe just one at a time, first come first serve or something..?). If it seems like there’s actual interest in that sort of thing, I could definitely consider doing it in the future! 

4. " *picks up that smol blue kid and throws them across the room* "

ghgh .. the smallness is an advantage... they could just skitter back down your arm like a tiny squirrel the second you tried to pick them up.. Ythrili survival strategy is to be too small to catch in the first place 

(also forgive every sketch in this post, my screen that you can draw on broke, so I’m either drawing stuff in ms paint with a mouse, or drawing stuff on paper and coloring it in firealpaca also with a mouse ghghh.. not going to look Good)

5. "it sounds like you feel pressure to only post good content on the internet, and so you end up psyching yourself out of posting at all. Am I on the right track? "

Not necessarily, like I mentioned in the tags I think it’s more just that everything is complicated by my brain. I can’t just do something effortlessly. Whether it’s for an audience or not, I get caught up on every little detail and adding so much complexity to everything that all tasks take me longer than they take other people lol. I think I just tend to take everything very seriously?? 

Like for example, I’m often accused of ‘turning things into a discussion’ when someone was just intending to make an off-handed remark, because if someone is bringing up a topic to discuss, I end up engaging with it 100% and putting full effort into it, and it’s hard for me to be ‘’casual’’ about pretty much anything (so if someone was like ‘My day yesterday was a bit weird’ I wouldn’t be able to just respond ‘aw man, that sucks’, I would just be like ‘Weird how? what happened? what made it weird? Are you okay now? Are things still weird? Have you found a solution?’ etc. etc.). I was also bad at essays/open answer questions in school (despite usually being great at the class otherwise), because no matter how hard I tried to filter my speech and cut things out, I was always far too long-winded  and would get almost too engaged with the topic and lose the clear cut thought organization and focus that you’re supposed to have I guess. Even like, playing video games or something that’s supposed to be relaxing, I can’t just ‘jump into them’ and do whatever, usually any game I play (large ones at least, small 25 minute  point and click adventure games don’t count of course), I have 7 - 10 pages of notes, do hours of research, look up most of the main spoilers, plan out and organize exactly how I’m going to play it and this and that, etc. lol... 

So, that personality trait carries over into posting things online as well, I can’t just type something out quickly and hit ‘post’ without a second thought. Social media is hard for me because you’re supposed to use it casually, but I spend a long time re-reading drafted posts, thinking about them, etc. etc., and end up never actually getting around to posting anything. It’s not that I’m perfectionist about it and want it to be ‘good’ or appear a certain way, it’s just that my mind becomes preoccupied with things I guess.  I’m a natural information gatherer, part of my natural way of processing things is to learn everything possible before acting, and I want to make sure I’ve fully thought about everything always, and know as much as I can (so I wouldn’t want to publicly say something without giving it a lot of consideration first, or post a picture without really thinking about if I want to post it, what my reasons behind posting it are (like if I’m posting something just for a validation of a certain aspect of myself VS. genuinely because I like it, etc.), if a few months from now I’ll still like that I posted it, etc. lol.. even with like silly cat photos or something, I have to analyze it and be like ‘hmm.. will I still stand by this picture in 4 months? why am I posting it publicly vs, just keeping it privately to myself on my computer? what’s important about it?’ etc. etc. ghgjhgjh.. like.. shut up lol.)

ANYWAY, yeah, I don’t know if it’s about wanting online content to be “good”, as much as it’s just like... I take everything way too seriously and am detail-oriented, contemplative, and analytical to a fault, which means it just takes me 10x longer to do basic ‘’simple’’ things that it would for other people. Though I can still be quite quick-thinking and decisive (I don’t often waver back and forth between things too long), it’s usually because I have years of thinking about the same exact things behind me, so I already am very clear on my opinions on stuff, to a point. But when it’s new things I’m less familiar with (like playing a new game, or posting regularly online), I’m still in a phase where I guess I have to give it a lot of thought. I just process things in a different way than other people I guess? Or have some inherent inability to be brief/concise/careless? If you’ve ever read any of my worldbuilding posts (where I usually start off wanting to explain one thing but then have to derail into 400 other misc. details and explanations and it ends up being a novel), then maybe it’s more evident what I mean, where it’s just like... my natural manner of speaking is Too Much.. I guess? Even this answer is winding and rambly, and I feel like other people could have answered this ask in only a few sentences lol.. 

 If any of that makes sense? I don’t know how to describe how I am lol.. I just know it's hard to me to use social media in this ~~casual effortless~~ way most people seem to, since my brain is just inherently incapable of anything ‘’casual’’ or ‘’effortless’’ lol..  T u T ;; 

6. " Hi! I hope this isn't weird to say, I'm designing a race for my DND campaign and some of the aesthetics are a little bit inspired by some of your costumes and makeup designs. You're awesome and your art is awesome so thanks : ) "

Thanks so much, I appreciate it! It’s always cool to hear I can inspire people~ 

(I usually don’t include many compliments in these ask compilation posts, but I always try to include a few, just to let people know that even if I don’t respond to all of them I do see them, and appreciate it!) 

7.  ???

I ended up cropping out this ask and not answering because some of the content was questionable (the reason WHY/how they wanted to make the character) in a way that I didn’t feel like getting into a long thing about, but part of it was relevant to making OCs in my world, so I will just make a quick comment:

I do state that this is a closed world, so I don’t want anyone making OCs of my species or etc. at least not at this point. Once my game is finished (if ever lol), or I write a few books or something, then I feel it would be understandable if people like, made up a background story for their player character and thus maybe could have some form of OC in my world and etc.. So I may be more relaxed on this in the future as I create content that people naturally would want to engage with , but for now, I’m still a very tiny creator with a closed world and it just doesn’t feel the same as like.. making an oc based on some thing in a big TV series or something. My worldbuliding and etc. is still very personal to me. Unless we’re directly collaborating on things (like mentioned here (link) a bit), or you’re a personal friend of mine who’s gotten involved in the world with my own guidance (meaning I could tell you lore things you’d need to know to make it accurate, etc.), then I don’t feel it’s appropriate for strangers to do at this point. 

Especially since I don’t even have enough world info out for people to be able to reference (most species have half-complete guides, I’ve only ever talked about like, one continent, etc.). There are so many necessary details which I have only in my head and have never typed out, so again, idk, it’d just be weird. I’m not okay with it until I have a lot more lore published, and maybe a few actual works out there that people can reference/stories/games/basis for OCs to exist in the first place. If that makes sense? 

8. "Hey, is it ok to use your outfit posts as inspiration for a dnd character? I love them so much, you have such a unique way of combining crazy patterns and fabrics into something that gives off a good vibe”

Yes, that would be fine! Thank you for asking, and I appreciate the compliments~ Hopefully I can get back to posting that sort of thing more often lol.. I’ve gotten WAY off my routine and haven’t done many outfits lately.. aaa

9. "hi Luca! i just wanted to say i really love all of your costumes and fashions and dress ups, its all so cool and pretty and interesting. i actually wanna dress up for fun for myself, and now that i know about the bins i think i'll try to convince my mom to take me to similar places for cheap clothing pieces, since my mom is worried about how much all this costume stuff costs. anyway, please keep posting your cool and beautiful stuff! "

Thank you so much! I wish you luck with your costumes! Yeah, I think there’s a common idea in a lot of fashion communities (like with makeup, costumes, etc.) that you have to always have high quality things to look nice, and even if sometimes you can do more with a little extra money, really you can make anything look good with what you have if you just combine it right. As I’ve always been quite low income, being into fashion and stuff has be discouraging at times, that I couldn’t afford certain materials or items, but you just have to find a niche where what you’re able to do works. For example, a lot of even ‘cheap’ lolita style clothings are too expensive for me (like $30 - $50 for a dress??? then the more pricey ones can be over $100???) lol.. BUT, then stuff like mori kei, cult party kei, fantasy costumes, etc. you can do with nearly any fabric you can find, and it’s still just as fun and creative. Most of the outfits I take pictures of probably cost me no more than $1 - $10 for every single item combined. Obviously it depends on location - I have better access now that I live near a place like the bins, which I understand there may not be similar resources in small towns or etc. But even with generic thrift stores (which may not be as cheap as the bins), you can still find pretty good alternatives to all the money it costs to buy things brand new. There’s still some stuff I legit just can’t do because I don’t have access to the materials, but for the most part I can manage everything I’d like with $3 eye-shadows and 15 cent tattered curtain fabrics lol. You can still do really cool stuff on a pretty nonexistent budget!

10. “do you have any tips on growing your hair long? is it expensive to up keep? i wanna grow mine out but it grows so slow!”

Well, I know nothing about hair and am not a hair stylist or etc. so I really don’t have any tips lol??  And I think hair maintenance depends a lot on the type of hair you have, not everyone’s is the same. I assume we must have similar hair  (my natural hair is thick kind of coarse very dark brown/black hair, which is a bit wavy in some parts but mostly straight, but most of my hair currently (aside from the overgrown roots at the top) is altered because of damage from bleaching and etc., it’s more brittle. so that’s what I’ll be referencing) if you’re asking me this instead of someone else, but just know that whatever I say may not apply to you.  

Anyway, I really don’t do anything to my hair to make it grow or etc., it’s just that I’ve gone a long time without cutting it lol. I used to cut it all the time or change styles, and now I’ve kind of just left it for 5 or 6 years or so. Because of my mental illness I have trouble maintaining personal care and etc., so I do sometimes go a week or more without washing it, even though I’m trying to work that into my schedule more (luckily I don’t have stinky head, I’ve heard some people’s scalp oils and stuff can smell weird if left for too long, I have the privilege of being able to like.. skip on hygiene a lot without it severely impacting my ability to do things or etc. since it’s usually not obvious if I haven’t bathed in a week or two). 

My cat also EATS HUMAN HAIR for some reason, so I have to keep it up all the time, so that when I shed it doesn’t actually just fall loose onto the ground lol. Literally all I do to my hair is just keep it in two braids at all times and wash it with normal shampoo and conditioner occasionally, when I can. I really only think it’s gotten long because I’ve been leaving it alone and not messing with it, not really because of anything I’ve done (like I don’t use fancy products on it or etc.) And because of that, no, it’s not really expensive! It absolutely WOULD be if I were like..a normal functioning person and I regularly bleached it and dyed it and put products on it and styled it and used shampoo and conditioner every 1-3 days on it and etc. lol.. But I guess because I don’t do anything to it to maintain it, I’m not spending money on hairspray or dye or shampoo or etc.  I used to bleach it a lot and straighten it and use hairspray and stuff on it, and it seems healthier (at least on the new top parts) now that I’m just ... ignoring it basically lol. But I don’t really know what to do to make it grow faster! I’m bad at self-care, and even if I do costumes and stuff, I really am not into beauty and hair and nails and makeup and stuff, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask hghjhb.. My upkeep routine is just... eat and sleep. wash face with water daily.. do extra stuff if you can manage to despite your functioning issues, etc. I’m definitely not a Beauty Advice person, I barely brush my hair even once a week lol

11. "Maybe you should reduce the number of races if it's too overwhelming? A world can still be immersive with only a few races in it."

(sidenote - Not to be nitpicky, but I make a specific point that the groups of fantasy creatures I create are species, not ‘’races’’, even though it is a commonly used term in fantasy worldbuilding, I think it’s inaccurate/weird )

I know I don’t have to make so many different groups, but, I guess I just really want it to be a broad setting. Part of the point in creating Nanyevimi (aside from worldbuilding just being extremely fun and a hobby greatly suited to someone with my personality traits lol) is to have an established world that I can do anything within, a framework already built where it'd be super easy to just drop a character anywhere on the map and already have an idea of what their culture, background, experiences, etc. would be based on pre-existing details about that portion of the world, etc. But I also want it to be broad, and varied, where every area kind of has it’s own dynamics going on there, so if you’re in a different place, you get a different kind of story. (like in an elven alliance city, you’d be better suited to tell an adventure story centering around complicated local politics, or city life, or etc.. whereas out in some isolated mountains in the south, it’d be more suited for a mystery story about stumbling across ancient ruins, or running into a mysterious traveler, etc.) 

Which I guess doesn’t matter much, since I'm better at setting, world design, character design, planning, and details than I am at plot, so  I probably won’t actually ever do anything with it (god forbid I tried to write a book or something with my utter inability to be concise/brief in any imaginable way). I can craft settings/characters/history/world-details all day endlessly, never losing inspiration or etc, but my weak point is actually telling stories within those settings and formulating a solid plan, organizing plot structures long term and etc.. Setting up everything for something to happen/creating a place where many interesting premises could occur is fine, but then actually thinking of how those things should OCCUR, or how the set up should play out, is where I get kind of lost. I guess the ideal at some point would be to have people working with me, helping when writing stories in my world/outlining games/etc, to add more cohesion/structure and reign in the unfocused stream of ideas,  but that’s very unlikely since I don’t have any close friends that are good at organizing or plotting either, etc. BUT anyway, even if I can’t ever manage to do anything with it, the whole “having a setting I can use for anything I want if anything ever comes up, which is already established and thus makes it much easier to formulate ideas because all the background work is already done for myself” thing is at least a nice goal.. in concept...theoretically lol..  

And, it’s not really too overwhelming, I think the overwhelming part is actually just formatting and producing those ideas in a consumable form. It’s not hard for me to keep track of 20 different groups and make backgrounds and every imaginable detail for them, but it IS hard to actually take all that information that exists in my head, type it out as a worldbuilding post, format and organize it, draw pictures to go with it, etc. If I could just post long stream of consciousness style 300,000 word long posts with no paragraph breaks, 4000 typos, barely any punctuation, etc., then I’d have A LOT more world-building info publicly available (since that’s what all the initial documents on my computer look like lol), but that’s just so inaccessible it’d be pointless to have public in the first place. The hard part isn’t really coming up with or managing the information, it’s just... organizing it all, and finding a way to share it. 

12. "oh PLEASE tell me what boing peach beverage the elf looks like"

a quick sketch of them.. mysterious peach (and other produce) salesman   

13. "fun question: what are ur fashion pet-peeves?"

Well, basically none because I hate when people are rigid over Fashion Rules or etc. Like, people who take pictures of others in public because they “look weird” , or who constantly trash on what people are allowed to wear, what patterns can be mixed with others, etc. etc. I get that some stuff can look kind of bad sometimes, and it’s not that I think nobody is allowed to criticize fashion trends or etc. (especially if they’re legitimately problematic, like of course someone wearing a homophobic t-shirt or doing blackface should be criticized), but I mean just like... that sort of trivial bitter criticism that doesn’t do anything but make people feel bad about the way they look or make them afraid to dress in ways they feel comfortable. Like taking a picture of someone and posting it online to make fun of them because they wore socks with sandals, or bullying 14 year olds who just started doing makeup and haven’t totally gotten their look sorted out yet, etc. etc. (ESPECIALLY since this can often intersect with classism, racism, etc. if you really examine what people mock as 'ugly' or 'unacceptable' styles, it's often stuff like men wearing dresses/makeup, women not shaving, clothing associated with poverty (like wearing “”cheap”” clothes), physical traits commonly associated with poc, making fun of people who look a certain way likely due to mental illness (like fidgeting, dirty mismatched clothing, carrying stuffed animals or comfort items in public etc.), etc. etc.

I find costumes and makeup and outfits to be a very cool and fun way to express myself. So when people are complete freaks about it and set out to just relentlessly make others feel bad for no good reason, it’s like... obnoxious... How can you take something with so much potential and limit it and close others off and turn it into this rigid hateful thing, when it should be something that everyone is able to be passionate about and appreciate?? Outside appearance isn't everything, but it's a tool of expression for so many people and can relate to who they are as a person, people should never feel uncomfortable to be who they are or look how they look just because some dumbass rich person writing for a style magazine has the gall to declare some random thing to be 'Unfashionable' despite not having a genuinely creative bone in their body, or some bigot thinks that certain things are ‘ugly’ or ‘unprofessional’ due to their own mental associations, etc.

But anyway, I guess if I had to choose a few things that I just think look kind of odd to me personally/are generally off-putting...  

--- the overdrawing lips thing when you can see the persons actual lip-line and it almost looks like they have two mouths or something? (if not done intentionally for costume makeup). It can look a little strange to me sometimes, like an optical illusion where you see multiple mouth lines at once?? idk like this?

--- freckles that are just round circles and really heavy and don’t look realistic (though again, I also realize this could just be the person’s first time drawing them on or something and I’m not  mocking for lack of skill, etc. I just mean that it’s a little strange to look at, not actually BAD though) (and it can also be intentional, like for a cartoony costume look) ---- People adopting cutesy/childlike fashion and clothing and sexualizing it or using it as part of their sex/kink stuff.. I just feel like anything associated with children should not be sexualized..? If the first thing someone thinks when seeing children's school uniforms or frilly little girl’s doll dresses or whatever is that it could be a Hot Thing then hhh... like why is your brain making those connections lol.. People can dress how they want for whatever reasons they want, but that’s always personally creeped me out a little. Similar to our culture’s obsession with looking young being ‘hot’ (like a grown man wanting someone who’s a legal adult but still “looks 16″ or etc.), where it’s like.. okay, I guess yeah outwardly you can make that choice, and maybe aren’t directly causing harm, but.. the underlying tones of it and etc. still make it very unsettling to witness lol... ---- anything appropriated obviously, as well as fetishization or bastardization of cultures, like t-shirts with Japanese writing on them Just For Aesthetic, or taking certain culturally or religiously significant symbols or etc. and adopting them as ‘just a silly fashion’ thing when you’re actually being disrespectful, etc.  ---- those shorts or whatever that go up extremely high on the hipbones always look a little weird to me lol, like they give a person funny proportions, 

(you may have to right click open image in new window and zoom to see the text, but it’s like.. the blank space makes it look kind of weird to me? Like there’s too much where there’s just nothing going on? idk. That’s just my personal preference though, obviously I tend to lean towards busy designs lol)

That’s all I can think of though, like I said, I’m really not picky or judgy about fashion since I think people should be able to do whatever they want for the most part. I’m not like a “omg stripes should NEVER be worn with plaid!!” type person or something lol. 

14. "Hey Luca! I love when you post about your world. Do you have a favorite species you've made up so far? Also, I hope you're holding up well during the crisis!"

AAaa thanks! I’m okay mostly. It’s distressing since because of my particular mental illness I already have constant paranoia and obsessions about health, so of course hearing about so much illness can be really triggering constantly and I’m preoccupied in never-ending anxiety spirals about mortality and etc. etc. etc. , but situationally, I’m just very thankful that nobody in my household has gotten sick yet and I desperately wish that will continue to be the case. *** *** *** 

(ignore the *** *** *** , this is a text version of a physical compulsion (a hand movement) that I have to do when I mention certain topics lol.. the little man in my brain that controls my obsessive compulsive disorder says I must do certain things after saying or thinking certain things,, You Know How It Is ) 

And I really love worldbuilding questions, so thank you so much!!!!! Hghgh maybe it seems weird to favor any over the others, but of course I really like the Avirre'thel. Conceptually, I think their origin story and connection to ancient elves and their abilities and etc. put them in a really unique position in the broader world (some of the only truly immortal people to exist, the only people who can still decipher ancient elven texts in a way that makes sense, etc. etc.). Since Nanyevimi (my world) is really just a setting being built so that in the future I can set things within it (games, short stories, etc.), I think I'm drawn to the aspects of it that have the most potential to make interesting characters, and there are definitely a lot of pre-established dynamics with the Avirre'thel/in Navyete (their home country) as a whole that would make it an good place to set certain things, or a good group for a main character to be from, etc.

I do really like the Jhevona as a species overall too, even if I haven't developed them as much, they also kind of stand out as having some fairly unique features that put them in an interesting position in the world (being one of the most magically capable groups that exists but that also having downsides (health issues and infertility from magic exposure, etc.), how the necessity to keep control over their magic influences their culture, being some of the only natural shape-shifters, etc.). Within that, I REALLY love the Thastanri (a subspecies of Jhevona), like their connection to dreams, the Imkasyn, being one of the last few peoples in contact with real dragons, etc. etc. There are a lot of complex things going on in their area, so there’d be a lot of potential to tell a variety of stories or have interesting characters from that group. 

AND, though it's supposed to be Unknown in the world so I won't talk about it just in case I ever write a book one day or something and need to preserve at least a FEW mysteries that I don't just outright explain in worldbuilding posts, Jhevona do have the most interesting origins of any species in my opinion. There are some things from before the timeline break sort of thing (where all recorded history was seemingly wiped and everyone had a big memory loss about 50,000 yrs ago) that people aren't aware of anymore... but Jhevona used to have a cool backstory and quite interesting function in society prior to that. There are some remnants in the genetics of the species and how their magic works (at least for certain groups) that kind of hint at how ancient Jhevona used to look and what they used to do, even though in the modern day things are very different.

15. "Top 10 songs you've been listening to lately?"

I don’t have a top 10 since I listen to everything for different reasons, and don’t have as deep a relationship with music the way some people do (like I don’t really have a favorite band or group I have a connection with that’s “gotten me through hard times”, or music I cry to/any songs that are specifically personally emotionally meaningful to me, etc., etc.), but here’s a quick playlist of a few favorite-ish things I’ve had in my head a lot recently - 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPmQ4SZdFFHNkgKo7nAiEMgVvLcycX5Qc

the last song on the list specifically I’ve been replaying a lot for some reason, I guess since it’s good background music as there’s no words. Particularly the part that starts around like 38 seconds in, something about that melody reminds me of something distant, in a dreamlike way. The past few days I mostly alternate between that song, Outstanding, and And The Beat Goes On  lol

16. " Do you ever sell sculptures? I really like that little fawn!"

Yeah, I hope to eventually! Like I mentioned in question number three, if I can set up some sort of way to do auctions or etc, then maybe I can sell that one! 

17 & 18 : '"aaa yay!! i missed your outfits!!!" / "can I just say love ur outfits! They're so cool and inspire me to draw my ocs with new outfits > o < and I love your cat too, please give him a big ol pat!"

Thank you!!!! more compliments posted just to show I appreciate them lol, even if I don’t publicly respond to every one~ And, the Boyes appreciate the pats.. here is them.. big babbeys... 

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

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A post shared by snoopdogg (@snoopdogg) on Apr 11, 2020 at 7:28am PDT

The Mayor of NYC just announced about the closing of the school year and how they tried to bridge the,gap for inequality for 6 years

I'm being honest and I'm not talking shit about him or any administration

I'm talking shit about people

This happens all the time. In elementary schools I shit you Not it happened in a 5th grade class room at La Promosa when I was substituting.

Fights and arguments were more common in high schools

In the middle school in 2016 the first month of classes there was 338 fights before classes started. And teachers trying to break it up got hit.

Im not kidding you. I don't live in the ghetto. I live ina community where they pride themselves on being the best and one of the most upper in all ways of the entire state. Where the government and schools work hard for this. They have won all kinds of awards that had absolutely nothing to do with me

I don't do that kind of system. As you see i do equality for police i do earning by deserving by showing workmanship.

But i don't do favor awards because of where i live. I was against Facebook coming to Los Lunas because we don't have a good traffic system. We have extra bad rush hour traffic that can take 3 hours to go 2 miles. So i was against Facebook coming and causing more traffic through town.

But they came and that had absolutely nothing to do with me. No shame. I don't work in the government. And they're only using solar electricity. So im not gonna bitch about it. It is good for the jobs and so on.

I'm just saying i was against it.

Because the point no matter how hard we try for our community or our schools

There's people that will fight for no reason.

So Mayor Bill while you find it painful, you may be saving some people some pain. Children being bullied. Fights such as these being hidden in school bathrooms. And so much more.

Schools were initially designed to be a safe place

But they aren't any more.

So i just wanted to explain that to all of you.

Seriously the middle school in 2016 had in the 2016 to 2017 school year, 74225 fights/arguments of high intensity that caused disruption in the hearts.

My primary school before i became unable to walk was the middle school. But it was heartbreaking.

What I saw was children coming from a home environment with one teacher and a playground.

Now our elementary schools do a block to prepare them for middle school because the change is so disruptive. So starting in 4th to 6th they change classes for certain subjects. But its only about 4 teachers per grade. So and if one is sick or has a sub or something or the teachers decide they don't want to for special projects they stay in their regular class.

Every thing else they had their whole life. Music and art and PE teachers.

Then thrown into 7 different teachers. No play ground. No desks to keep their things. No lockers. Every one new including the school grounds. They have to carry all their stuff all day in book bags.

It is the most inhumane treatment in the world.

And to make matters worse it's when they go through puberty.

I went to that school over all the schools in the district because i knew they needed me. Because they broke my heart. Because they had a constant cloud of darkness over their school.

Because they were in Hell.

Things were so used to. Things we survived. That we dont have the time to take to realize how much trouble the future of our children are in.

Just the way the school system is organized. Elementary. Middle/Intermediate/Jr High. High school.

I saw memes about zombies wanted in this WWIII

Look into the eyes of a child in Jr high. You'll see the walking dead.

I'm not kidding yoh. They tore my soul apart and broke my heart.

Every day i had to go Just to be there. Just to absorb the air. To make it cleaner for another day for them.

Turn out one set of lights. Open the blinds for the sun to come in. Do what i could to allow their brains to receive oxygen

And not neon fluorescent tube light's radiation.

Let their lungs expand and breathe so they could learn.

That is just is a basic.

It didn't help long term. Just a basic band aid.

Then allow them a voice. Allow them to speak on their own.

So, my choice to pay governments to shut down schools of 5 Billion dollars NYC will get...

It is for a reason.

My choice to have children at home worldwide

Is because i saw the suicidal desire in children's eyes. Because just of the change of the ways school systems are established.

Those children need to be home to recover.

They need more help than you will ever know.

They need more hugs and love and home cooked suppers and Happy Meals than you can imagine.

I care about those kids. I care about their parents and guardians. I care if they're homeless and on their own.

I worked plenty of special ed as well as regular education. Special ed was my favorite because they tried to blow through that black cloud every day and they also did it for the people around them

While they're termed stupid and dumb because of their lack of reading or math ability, most are the strongest of all the schools to bring light into the lives of others.

I remember this girl. She looked so dead inside. She walked up to me slow and in pain. "Idk what to do today I can't concentrate. I just don't feel right"

I looked around the room..

"Do you need the nurse?"

"No"

"Well I think you're not going to be okay take your things and go sit over my John. So I don't have to keep yelling at him for talking. Tell him I said to talk to you. He's the kid in the back from here against the wall three seats or rows back however you call them"

At that time i didn't know he was in reading special ed. I had not done his class period yet.

But i felt the most positive energy coming from his area of the room and he looked like the leader of that zone. I worried it was a mistake. That he could lead her astray.

I saw the darkness deepen "i said for her to go over there" the cloud prevented their brains from hearing and processing "HEY! YOU WANNA TALK? TALK TO HER! BECAUSE I SAID OR ILL SEND YOU TO THE PRINCIPAL. OR HEY COME HERE AND ILL EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU"

So he came up "what? Im trying to be good. And she told me i had to talk to her"

"Am i here every day? No I'm not. There's something wrong with her. Its probably something at home that has nothing to do with you. Or maybe her and her friends got into a fight. Whatever. But what i do know is you like being the center of attention and talking a lot. So what i need you to do is talk to her. Not solely but include her in your group. Can you look st her please? Tell me what you see."

"Like she wants to die or some one to take her out and shoot her in the street"

My tears prevented me from saying more "then i think you know how to handle her without doing that. Do you play a lot of video games?"

"I used to. But my mom and dad kept taking it away for me being bad in school. I have it now though i just haven't played in years"

"Well i tell you, John, i think you should start playing more as a reward from me for helping her. And you should tell your parents you're doing well socially. And she should change her seat"

"What do you think has happened to her? Something bad or...?"

"I think she's just alone. Maybe just this class or. What this is right after lunch? She may just being of a social anxiety for leaving her friends from the cafeteria"

His eyes light up "I've been in special ed all my life!! I know exactly what that is!! I can help!! Thank you Miss Teach!!"

I never saw that girl again. She ceased to exist. That class never existed again. It transformed completely into a smiling sunny happy class room. It didn't matter if all the lights were off.

Each and every single child in that room shone with brightness...

It wasn't over night. It took Team Work.

But they worked it. And it worked.

Im not talking shit about the teachers. The teacher gave them work i didn't need to teach. Just work they already knew how. Which gave me the opportunity to look and view the students in a way she didn't have the time or freedom of mind to. A lot of time she just gave them a "catch up day" catch up on old assignments and homework they hadn't turned in. She gave them one every 2 weeks so she didn't have to fail them. So she just added one in or switched it from the regular day. And she had extra credit worksheets for them to do when they finished.

So no matter what you do. There's always gonna be a problem.

Our problem for Quarentine is Essiential workers. They can't stay home. They can't give nor receive the special attention their family and friends deserve.

This is why worldwide people are saluting and applauding and thanking and doing charity for them.

This is why we set aside special vacations and money for them and their families.

Yes you, too, my store workers. Including Wal-Mart. I got shamed yesterday by one of my stout workers i always see in Wal-Mart that goes the extra mile. "What about us. Ain't no one said shit especially you"

He didn't say the word shit but... You know what i mean. It's what i heard.

Which is funny cause the last time i saw him he was stocking toilet paper.

So understand why shutting down the schools is so essiential. Why communities are being paid so much. No community school district is being paid less than $6 million to shut down for the school year.

I want you to understand why.

Because its out of control. Its dangerous. And it is damaging our humans and aliens. And it is damaging our future on Earth to be successful.

So you stressed out moms.. Chill the fuck out.

Please. Please for the love of God.

Assualt your child with a hug. Just grab them and say "i didn't know. I'm here for all those moments you felt alone. Just come and find me and ask to do something together"

Assault them with love.

This is World War 3 people. Get into action!!!