#they use a lot of masoch imagery so I love them

[severin-photocopy]

autumn brigade just posted on ig saying they are gonna drop merch?!?!?!??!?! I need it

[mandelene]

What Doing NaNoWriMo Taught Me

1) The impossible is possible. I often joke with my friends that I’m a binge-writer. I don’t normally write every single day. I wait for the weekend to come and then devote an entire Saturday or Sunday to writing about 5k-10k words. NaNoWriMo forced me to make time every day to write 1667 words, and that was the biggest challenge for me -- consistency and perseverance. I would come home from class at 6:30 and feel too tired to do anything else, but I still had to make time to write, even if it meant staying up until 2 AM. Even when I wasn’t feeling well or I had already written a bunch of stuff for school, I sat down to write and tried to type out at least a couple of words each day. I fell short of my daily word count a few times, but I would just write twice as much the next day. All in all, the graph of my progress stayed pretty consistent though, and that’s what I’ve been most proud of. I didn’t make any excuses this month. I wrote even when I felt like it was impossible and my brain couldn’t put together any sentences, and I found that even when I thought I couldn’t write, I could. Not once did I feel inspired. Each day was like pushing a wheelbarrow filled with rocks up a hill, and it didn’t get any easier like I thought it would. Each day was just as hard as the previous one, but I didn’t let that stop me.  2) There’s always time. 

I thought I wouldn’t have time to write every day. That was a lie I was feeding myself for a long time. You can always make time. I wrote a good chunk of my novel this month on the bus, in between classes, in coffee shops while having lunch with friends, or in the middle of the night. I sacrificed sleep and made myself get out of my comfort zone. So much of our day is wasted on idle time--waiting for a bus or train, sitting in a doctor’s office, waiting for class to start, sitting in the back of a car, etc. I utilized every minute of the day for writing, and when I wasn’t writing, I was reading about writing. 3) If you want something, you have to chase after it. 

Writing is a very solitary and dull act. Most of the time, it’s hell and not as magical as non-writers think it is. Even when you’re writing well, it feels like what Stephen King always describes as “shoveling shit from a sitting position,” but being a writer forces you to accept this and keep going anyway. Nothing gets handed to you. If you want to write a novel, at some point, you have to sit down, commit to it, and write. Again, no excuses. Otherwise, life keeps passing you by and you wander around in this gray middle ground where you can always see your dreams in the distance, but you can never touch and hold them. No one is going to be there to write for you or to give you the magic formula for getting it right. You have to shut yourself in your room sometimes for hours on end and just do it.

4) I’ll never be satisfied.

So, I wrote over 50,000 words this month. Sure, I’m happy about it and proud of myself on some level, but the story isn’t done yet, and I’m not totally satisfied. I think a lot of the scenes I wrote were lackluster, and the novel as a whole is going to take a heck of a lot of editing. I thought I’d finish NaNoWriMo and finally feel accomplished as an aspiring writer, but that hasn’t been the case. I still feel this itch and nagging to keep going -- to see it through to the end and write multiple follow-up drafts until this aching in my chest stops and everything sounds like it should. I always want more, even once I’ve done what I’ve set out to do, and I hate myself for putting myself through this masochism. I know it’s a good quality to have, but it’s draining, and I wish I could give myself a week away from my novel and rest, but I know I’m not going to be able to relax until it’s officially done and I’ve got at least an 80,000-word novel. 

5) When you feel broken inside, that’s when you know you’re doing it right.  I officially finished NaNoWriMo at 2:36 AM on November 30. I decided to stay up on Wednesday and get it over with because I didn’t want to put myself through the struggle of worrying throughout the entirety of Thursday about whether or not I was going to finish on time. I’m the type of person who likes to rip the band-aid off (it’s a gift and a curse). The last scene I wrote was intense -- the most heartbreaking scene of the novel thus far, and halfway through it, I burst into tears because I was exhausted, and I was battling all of the emotions going through my head as I was typing. Something amazing happened in that moment. I felt like I was there, standing on the porch and seeing what my protagonist was seeing. I was there, in my slippers, with the cold night air biting at my skin and my eyes burning from the sting of bright lights cutting through the darkness. I felt the helplessness of the moment as the weight of the night sky pressed down upon me. It sounds silly, but that’s how I know I’m getting somewhere and that I’ve tapped into something in my writing -- when I’m either grinning and feeling euphoric with my characters or when I cry with them. It’s only happened to me a handful of times, and each time, I’m left stunned by it.  It was the first time my novel felt truly real to me -- like I could go to that very street and meet those characters in person, and they would be tangible people with complicated lives and hopes and dreams.  6) You’re more powerful than you think. A week ago (around day 22), I let my friend read the first chapter of my novel because I was dying for feedback at that point. I trusted her to give me critical feedback because she’s never said nice things just to placate me before, and she’s not afraid to tell me when something sucks. The first thing she said after reading it was, “Wow, you have some pretty incredible characters here. You need to slow down and give them the time they deserve because wow, just wow.”  I know world-building and description/imagery are my weaknesses, and oftentimes, because of that, my writing can sound a little monotone and dull if I don’t actively go back and fix it. I’ve also always known that dialogue is one of my strengths, but NaNoWriMo helped me see what I can do with a whole new set of characters made from scratch. I wasn’t writing pre-made characters given to me by a fandom. They were my characters, and I fell in love with them. I’m so happy to have accomplished that. It was a powerful discovery.  7) This is what I’m meant to be doing. 

This is a lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again. It’s also something I’m often in denial about. Knowing you want to be a writer is a scary thing because you know it means you’re going to face a lot of rejection, heartbreak, and disappointment. Most writers never make a sustainable career out of their work -- they have to have a side job. When writing gets hard sometimes, I think about what it would be like to have chosen a more practical career path. I could have gone to medical school like my parents initially wanted me to, and I could’ve lived a comfortable life, never having to worry about how to support myself. My future would have been safe and certain. I could have been anything else, and it probably would have worked out fine, but I chose to be a writer because I want my life to be more than fine and liveable -- I want it to be meaningful and full of passion and drive, even if that means it’s going to take a lot of tears and pain to get there. As I get nearer and nearer toward graduating college, I get more and more terrified that I’ll never be able to be independent and provide for myself.  NaNoWriMo made me face the harsh reality of the path I’ve chosen, but I don’t regret my choices, even when I have my moments of doubt. And if I fail, I fail, but I’ll have failed knowing I put my heart into being more than just another person trying to survive life. There’s more to life than a good job and money. There’s love, and joy, and fulfillment, and family, and friends, and walking out onto the street and feeling like flying because it’s a beautiful day and the sun is shining and everything feels like it’s going to be okay. It’s laughing so hard you want to cry and crying so hard you want to laugh. It’s hearing a soothing song, and writing a poem, and growing up, and losing yourself but finding yourself, too. It’s about being confused. It’s about the tenacity of the human spirit even in the face of great adversity. It’s about pain and tears but also warm arms holding you as you lean on someone who loves you. It’s coming home after being away for a long time. It’s standing up for what you believe in and fighting for what’s right. It’s empathy and letting people into your heart. It’s everything that makes us human and fallible. And one day, it’ll be over -- for all of us -- and when it’s over, how much monetary value your life had won’t matter. It’ll just be gone, and your life will be a series of memories by which others remember you by. I don’t want people to remember me as someone who didn’t follow her dreams and followed the straightest path through life in order to be comfortable. I want to be uncomfortable. I want to be challenged. I want to be sad. I want to feel pain. I want to go through all of these things because I want to experience all my life has to offer.  And so, I’m going to keep writing -- never satisfied, but never stopping either because I’ll always be yearning for more from myself. 

[mishathevideoboy]

Final Portfolio

Collective project notes

Final Project

Lighting Project

Storyboard for the final project

Final Project script

Misha: The pictures of them where all over the walls. Quite a lot of different women, all of them different colors and sizes. But not weight, it doesn’t speak on him necessarily but it's just what society likes.

Arella: I can see why you love the female body.

Misha: I adore it! I love women. Not in the perverted sense, ok maybe a little but also in a respectful sense. They’re sweet, their eyes are warm their hearts are big… mostly.

Arella: Is that all they are to you?

Misha: No they are more, you’re more too. My mother embodied self sacrifice she had casual partners when I was young but I never saw them, I never knew they existed until I grew up.

Arella: Your father abided by that?

Misha: No, he likes women as much as me, maybe in different ways too. I was born in the 90’s duh. And it was strange hearing about what my Dad says my mother and his relationship was. Why would you have partners like such in the 90’s?

Arella: Seems bizarre, what’d she say?

Misha: She was in love from what it seems. My mother was a romantic but she wasn’t really in long term relationships except for one guy long before I was born. She was “stoic” whether that was good or not, who knows.

Arella: My mother had partners, but I never got to see her. Busy etc. You know the story.

Misha: Yeah that’s even worse, at least my parents where here for me.

Arella: Do you ever want them to sit down and create a truth?

Misha: Like a lie?

Arella: No, more like a cohesive narrative.

Misha: That’d be unimportant. I think part of the story is that they’re own stories are so tied to their side and their belief. They both think they’re right and that's all that matters to them. Pass the flour?

Arella: Here, I don’t know maybe that's wrong.

Storyboard for 12-year-old message project

Idle No More project notes

Posts

1.

This idea brought up " In Defense of the Poor" of an imperfect media seeking to transcend platform, medium and societal standings often reminds me of the trend that was once Vine. These series of images found in Vine are using mimesis and relatability as a means of spreading and reaching more and more audiences. The structure of the videos themselves follows this visually short lifespan followed by a long subconscious time of retention so that you may recommend this low quality super compressed media thus proliferating it further. 

2.

Educational:

The educational video serves in enlightening the audience or teaching them of something previously unknown or unheard of. Look to most documentaries for this style of video.

Entertainment:

Entertainment video, this kind of video can be seen with irreverent youtube comedy videos like memes or comedic videos with no sort of external critique. Another form of entertainment video is Hollywood movies such as the superhero craze happening right now.

Artistic:

Artistic videos can be seen as film and cinema that pushes artistic boundaries in composure and storytelling, this can also be seen in short videos we watched for the class that take an unusual approach to storytelling

Commercial:

Commercial videos can be seen in things like advertisements and videos that try to push upon or sell you a product.

Not all of the aforementioned sections are mutually exclusive and many of them can be used to describe one video.

An external category of video that doesn't fit into TeeVee, Film, or Art is personal video storytelling. This kind of video can be found on Snapchat and Instagram, these types of videos do not fit into any of the other categories due to their temporal existence and pointlessness to anything greater in the world.

3.

Almost immediately the Violent footage of the Civil Rights movement drew me in. Not many documentaries truly confront the violence and horrendousness of it. This collection also had brilliant dialogue pacing and great sound design to accompany the images and interviews to almost make it feel as though you were occupying the space. The components used where archival footage, news footage, interviews etc. But the practice of juxtaposing the interviewers frame with the scenes or horrible violence made it more powerful as if the history of this trauma was pushing these people forward to discuss these times and what it meant for America and Black Americans, as well as what it could mean for them now and in the future.

Not many questions persist but it did ignite my desire to see more civil rights documentaries recently. However looking back I can see the strategies used in this series have influenced a lot of documentary making today. The somewhat lively and in your face method serves to attract a lot of attention of viewers especially one as myself who is now bombarded with so many different screens trying for my attention.

4.

1. The sitcom parody was by far my favorite, I didn't take much away from all of them but this one spoke to me because I grew up in an Afro Carribean household and my mother would make these jokes about my first girlfriend because she was white. It was more just nostalgia to these conversations and less the commentary.

2. Coco Fusco took this interesting surreal approach to social issues and racism, whereas Eyes On the Prize (EOtP) really approached these subjects with sincerity and judgment. Although the message from EOtP was conveyed through strange means and strange editing it wasn't as "odd" as Coco's

3. No questions beyond wanting to see if the artists made any interviews on the subject matter they commented on.

5.

I feel like life is centered around being something else instead of being happy or centered around this tail chase of work and leisure only to continue the pursuit in vain. When I think about myself and my narrative I like to highlight the enjoyment of my life with friends and my personal successes with art that are recognized by others. I feel the key to happiness in my life is to not chase pleasure through the masochism of doing work for pay but rather find happiness through working on what I love. 

6.

Reflecting on this previous project is difficult. The reason its so hard falls onto one aspect. That aspect being that I did as much as I wanted to do to help but to a certain point I also didn’t do more. A project relies on two people functioning to their best ability, and that was true for this project but only at times.This project was not being cared for properly and attended to properly. My partner and I had collected the best footage we could find and worked to the best of our ability in creating a joint format that would answer our questions. What went wrong came down to disagreements about execution. My partner insisted on using their dorm room computer which was not appropriate due to incessant technical difficulties with said computer. My partner also had a lack of focus when it came to putting pen to paper so to speak, and although I spent most time editing I found my patience with them worn thin and the lack of progress being made on the project incredibly frustrating. Over the course of 4 editing sessions I started to slowly decrease my effort in the hope that my partner would pick up the slack of the project. The issue is that he did not pick up slack nor do any work they promised to do. This forced me last minute to dump all my effort into the project. Ultimately I should’ve never decreased my effort and I shouldn’t have been so subtle in my approach of telling my partner to pick it up. Editing is incredibly easy for me and so is filming, so the fact of this project being so subpar falls on me having not put 100% effort in and just completing the whole thing myself.

7.

1. The collective video had not inspired me at this point but I spent a lot of time refining and reflecting on what others were saying to help me create a narrative. I started thinking the video would function better as a shorter piece without dialogue and more focus on imagery and words and less on actual voices. I felt this would give it an aspect of timelessness.

2. My Tumblr posts on final project

post 1

post 2

post 3

8.

Persona Reflection

Saviour by George Ezra reflection

I had worked with Berit and her group on her lighting sketch after being under the impression that my own personal project would not be accepted. Due to this, I joined the project late and I couldn't contribute to the field of ideas. I instead offered my lighting skills and I also made it a point to get gear for the group as well schedule and find a location for my group to shoot. I took a very "employee" and not a creative approach to this project.

9.

Persona Reflection

Saviour by George Ezra reflection

I had worked with Berit and her group on her lighting sketch after being under the impression that my own personal project would not be accepted. Due to this, I joined the project late and I couldn't contribute to the field of ideas. I instead offered my lighting skills and I also made it a point to get gear for the group as well schedule and find a location for my group to shoot. I took a very "employee" and not a creative approach to this project.

10.

1. I took on the role of working on the introduction piece of the Smile project. The way we found our positions was left mostly up to the class but when we found our smaller groups people started to take smaller leadership positions within said groups. The position I feel I took was leading the people working on the beginning section of the project.

2. Our responsibility was to create an opening that set the stage for the rest of the video without distracting from the subject matter or being to forward with subject matter that no one else would want to see the video. I feel I fulfilled my responsibilities quite well leading the group and in keeping our group focused and clear,  I also made sure to keep open lines of communication within each subgroup so that we had consistency between all our messages and segments.

3. Our group decisions relied on a vote so that we could all have a say and unanimously agree on the objectives we wanted to pursue. The decisions I participated in where the discussion of Font choices and text choices. I did not participate in the decisions of the main theme of the video and its content, I felt I would do a better job focusing the beginning of the video around a theme instead of injecting themes and ideas into an already crowded process.

4. I don't see my voice and vision existing in this project. I am not bothered by this but taking a colder more calculated approach to creating this project, in this instance, made sense.

5. I was completely seen and heard when we split into smaller groups and I started working on the beginning section of the Smile project. I wasn't seen or heard in many other sections aside from when the project started rolling into its editing phase, I wasn't bothered by this because I feel I couldn't have contributed more.

6. I didn't learn any new skills in this project, I did, however, share my skills in communicating and working collaboratively on creative projects.

7. I do not feel this collaboration was equal among us all, quite a few of us put in more work than others and this dissuaded me from putting even more effort in, that way others could pick up that slack and be forced to create parts of the project as well. My part in this was strong but it diminished upon seeing many peoples laziness and lack of care in making said project happen. I think we need a more looming aspect of attention from the professor so that the lazier students can be forced to contribute and participate instead of sitting and eating or playing on their phones for most of the class.

8. Nothing I'd really like to share but I do think the concept of the project was interesting.